#although i do have like a billion disney songs

[ess-presso]

hellooo im back💥 i adore your tattoo ideas i love queen sm & getting lines from youre my best friend with your best friend? genius truly. if i could get my best friend to get a matching tattoo with me (which would never happen shes so indecisive) id love to get lyrics from a song we both love. also love the little freak lines i love that song sm.

TY for the fic rec again im gonna give u another one because thats how this works now<3 across the hallway by periwinklehelp_123 (dorlene, dorcas and marlene live across the hallway from each other, pretty self explanatory)

now for taylor. im in a reputation kinda mood today sooo....getaway car, gorgeous, call it what you want !

and omg. pisces thats so funny. please tell me u dont have the same bday as remus.

also i love friends & b99 theyre just such perfect feel-good shows. ive recently been watching new girl in my spare time too🫶

also tangled & princess and the frog?? taste. i love those movies sm theyre the superior disney princess movies (although i always was an ariel girl when i was really young LOL)

okay now questions:

have i ever seen a moose - god i wish. i dont even think moose live in my part of canada? (just googled it and they dont. very sad day for me)

temperature over here - rn its 6 degrees, in the summer it gets up to like 30 degrees, & winter usually gets down to around -10 at most.

favourite fic of all time - oooh this is a hard one. now i dont really read fics for any other fandom, its kinda for marauders for me so. my wip favourites are disintegration by moonymoment, crimson rivers by zar, edge by pinkpalaceapartments (another agent-james assassin-reg fic, based on killing eve), kill your darlings by messermoon, and ofc dead or alive (i guess i have a thing for assassin reg and agent james LOL) now for finished fics... the winner is gonna have to go to just lovers (like we were supposed to be) by zar. (and intermission by zar too since it fits in there) its just perfect and i feel like ive reread it a billion times.

fav golden trio era ship - probably luna and neville (do they have a ship name? i cant think of it if they do) they were my favourite characters as a kid so they have a special place in my heart. OH i also love romione because theyre just a classic and i love them sm.

do i write fics - sadly no. ive tried and failed. im not a creative writer at all, in fact im literally the opposite, call me the grammar police. im essentially the designated paper editor among my friends because im fantastic at technical writing and stuff like that, but i cant write for shit. i truly envy people who can create such beautiful stories.

tea or coffee - coffee always. i do love tea and have it probably just as much as coffee but i will always be a coffee girly.

go to outfit - hmm. well i basically live in my doc martens and leather jacket (very sirius of me i must say) and i do love a good baggy jean and band tee look. but on my off days you cannot find me out of my sweatpants or pajamas. its simply not happening.

how many piercings - 4, two on each earlobe. (2 i did myself with a sewing needle, dont recommend) i really wanna get my septum or just the nostril, but i havent decided yet. although id probably never get it, i do love the look of the medusa piercing too its just cool.

area of study - im studying classics and anthroplogy in uni rn! ive always been a history/humanities girly and i love ancient history and languages so much so thats what i decided to do. (plus i was a greek mythology kid so) i think my ideal career path would be archaeologist but that could change at any given moment, so im just seeing where uni takes me.

fun fact about me - hmmm. im left handed! kinda not a fun fact but for some reason i dont know very many left handed people (i swear have we gotten rarer or something??)

now for questions for you:

do you like books? whats your fav book/book series?

fav movie/movies?

whats one place youve always wanted to visit and why?

do you have any go-to pieces of jewelry that you always wear?

fav food?

cats or dogs?

mbti type?

sun, moon, or stars?

fav holiday? (as im writing this im losing it thinking about what you said about lily and james dying on my bday.😭 i just know james answered the door dressed to the nines in some dumb costume)

im so bad at coming up with questions and im running out ideas so ill think of more for next time <3

-bee

bee bee hello my new best friend <333

i know it is genius isn’t it ??? that’s what i keep telling my best friend , but he’s too scared of the needle. my goal is one year. one year and we’ll both get tattoos. and the little freak thing is literally one of my favourite harry songs !!

new girl is honestly like after modern family on my list. i shall get to her one day.

YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE FIC REC :))))) I’ve now downloaded across the hallway & am very excited to read it , so thank you (i love lesbians & the next door neighbour trope !!)

now fic rec for you (that is what we do now , you are absolutely correct.) - down at the wolfbucks café by WolfstarGarden (ft barista james & remus , where regulus & sirius walk in one day for a cup of coffee.)

and because i’m on a little bit of a drarry kick rn - mental by sara_holmes (ft drarry with a miscast legilimens spell meaning they can hear each other’s thoughts.)

TAY TAY TIME -

(also yes , reputation always! as jake would say , ‘she makes me feel things’)

getaway car - JEGULUS - i’ve claimed this song for doa (it’s very inspired by getaway car) so i’m very excited for it (favourite song on rep , dare i say.) ‘sirens in the beat of your heart , should’ve known i’d be the first to leave , think about the place where you first met me’ - very very relevant for doa. changed my life when i heard this line. and generally ‘sirens in the beat of your heart’ like nee naw nee naw , don’t fall in love with this man , it’s bad for your heart , but aw crap i’m in love with him already !!!

gorgeous - JEGULUS - (keep relating everything to them , but i swear there are other ships i relate with other songs ) ‘you ruined my life by not being mine’ regulus watching james dance at a club & fuming because someone’s dancing against him (he doesn’t know that james is doing it on purpose to make him jealous) ‘you make me so happy it turns back to sad’ I LOVE IT it’s them them. ‘you’re so gorgeous , i can’t say anything to your face’ i can just imagine reg being all mean to him (it’s his way of flirting , poor chap.)

call it what you want - JEGULUS - (again I feel the need to apologise. i relate everything to them , they’re my current hyperfixation.) ‘brought a knife to a gunfight’ ‘They fade to nothing when I look at him ,And I know I make the same mistakes every time , Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right, I did one thing right’ - IT’S SO THEM IN MY HEAD !!! like imagine a celeb au , and this is reg afterwards where he’s being all smooth with it , because he’s finally home with james AHHHHHH.

chatting time -

i just assumed everywhere in canada had mooses. just like i see foxes everywhere here . that’s a little disappointing , tbh , they should have mooses everywhere.

6 degrees??? damn that’s almost warm compared to the weather here (1 degree) . & it gets into he negatives ( I don’t remembered a minus ten , but i could be wrong.) however , i still think london cold is colder than any other cold. it just hits different. like absolutely ten times worse.

and the fics , dstg , cr , kyd , are all on my list ( i paused cr at chap two so I am absolutely avoiding spoilers with a BAT) and edge (KILLING EVE ??? OH MY GOD IT’S GOING ON THE LIST.) . thank u so so much for putting dead or alive on this list !!! I’m so happy you liked reading it just as much as i love writing it !!

just lovers & intermission are also on my list. my lessons are currently fucking me up so i have zero free time , & i’ve got mocks coming up in a little while. but once i’m free , i will absolutely read this it sounds so cute and comforting!!

ahhh luna & neville ?? that’s so sweet ?? (vis a vis ship name - luville is what i’d go for :) ) & i love romione too (unfortunately will not be reading any fics with them as the main ship , they’re just not compelling enough for me ) i personally love drarry (& dramione sometimes , lil bit of a guilty pleasure u might say) and their fics stab me in my heart and put them back together (isolation , temptation on the warfront (fave drarry fic ever) , it was all just a game , wait and hope)

AND SAME . I’m literally the grammar editor for my bets friend . // ‘edit my paper’ ‘use grammarly’ ‘you went to a grammar school. you ARE my grammarly.’ // literally even my school friends , the ones who went to this grammar school with me , use me as their editors . I’m being used , honestly. (i make them buy me things in exchange though.)

YOU CHOSE COFFEE ?? as a british person , this is blasphemy. absolute blasphemy. *sips tea with pinky finger sticking out*

leather jacket & doc martens ?? so sirius black of u , yes. ( me looking at my red converse , jeans & plain ol’ shirt.) BAND TEES BAND TEES BAND TEES. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY ARE BAE. I unfortunately own like one of them , but my best friend owns so so many and one day , when he’s not home , i’ll break in and take a couple. maybe. not getting out of sweats & pjs is so real of you & same honestly. nothing beats netflix & pjs with a glass of something sparkly & a tube of smarties for me.

BRO not the sewing needle , how did you not get an infection ?????? one of my friends has a septum piercing (her parents do not know this !) so she hides up her nose when she’s at home. she got a cold recently, and she describes sneezing with the septum piercing ‘the most painful thing i’ve ever fucking felt.’ so u know. advice. i myself advise you to get the nostril pierced. i think it would be very cool of you (but of course i am in favour of whatever you wish to do)

AHHHHHHH I WAS ALSO A GREEK MYTHOLOGY KID!!!!! i knew the story of troy by heart , and i still do. i still do. love meeting another greek nerd honestly we’re so cool !!! AND YOU STUDY CLASSICS ??? that’s so cool of u honestly. there’s a joke in latin (here at least ) where we say ‘caecilius est in horto’ does that carry over there in canada ?? or am i just speaking tosh right now?? & anthropology too ?? u just keep getting more and more awesome. (i wanted to be an archaeologist too , at one point. decided saving lives was more my thing.somtimes tho , when i watch spy movies & i come out of the cinema , i do say i will become an agent.but i never will.) & yes let life carry u on ur way .

left-handed people are depleting. i know one left handed person in real life & she says it’s a real struggle. (my goal in life is to become ambidextrous though.)

QUESTION TIME 🕰️-

I LOVE BOOKS !!!! (took english lit for a level , I gotta have had loved reading in some way!) my favourite books when i was a kid was hp , but now they’re the ‘a good girls guide to murder series’ i highly recommend them , ravi singh is my personal fave. for a singular book ? you must never ask a bookworm this, it’s a cardinal sin. i’ll give you my top four

gods of jade and shadow

a thousand splendid suns

if we were villains

little women

(these books changed my life , I highly recommend.)

and my favourite movies ? top three -

jumanji (the first one)

the proposal (ryan & sandy have my HEART. writing an au of them right now ‘born or invented.’ jegulus of course , because margaret can’t swim , and neither can he.)

the hunger games movies (peeta>>>> gale)

hp movies (poa & ootp especially)

i do have more , (some aren’t even english) but my mind is blank rn. watching the apprentice atm & the boys just won the first ep. the girls are all sad & i’m very sorry for them.m (one of them will have to go home, but one of them also keeps calling herself the ‘kim k of business women’ as if kim wasn’t already a business women.)

place i wanted to visit?? new york - i always wanted to go there. friends takes place there , it’s the big apple , yk???? I love it so much on tv & i do want to see all the ways americans are different. want a big gulp cup , i want to experience a lil british privilege. want to go to the concrete jungle , for sure.

my earrings, and this pandora bracelet which has a snitch clasp & the ‘i open at the close inscription’ it’s very dear to me. also also a gold necklace with a double dolpin. i wear these three all the time , but sometimes i also like wearing lots of rings , but i’m in a lab for a lot of the time so it’s very inconvenient for me.

fave food- pop tarts and also this Chinese takeaway from near my place??? i’m in heaven whenever i eat it. i go out often , and nothing has ever beat that. i also love the cookies & brownies from this bakery near my bus stop & i honestly love them so much. (me and my best friend went there every day after our gcses honestly.)

cats or dogs - cats. (sorry sirius) but i would never say no to a pupper! always pet one if the owner lets me!!

mbti type - INFJ-T (i’m an advocate?? yes yes i think that’s good :)) )

stars !! always stars!! (technically the sun is also a star , but i digress) stars make pretty constellations and as an ex-astronomy student, i love them so much.

fave holiday - CHRISTMAS !!!!! a london christmas is IMMACULATE. honestly the vibes are unreal. the lights on oxford street and everything ✨

& the halloween thing ?? i’m sorry , oh my god , your birthday is now the deathday of the greatest parents ever 💔.

WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING JAMES OPENED THE DOOR ??? HE DID NOT DO THIS ??? voldy broke down the door , my friend , i promise even james isn’t that trusting.

but i agree he was so dressed in a dumb costume anyways .

q’s for next time

fave rarepair ?

fuck marry kill james sirius remus

what place do you want to visit and why?

fave book / book series ?

most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done ?

favourite thing you own?

if your life was a movie , what would you call it ?

(as usual , bee , come back in my inbox asap i will miss u otherwise. and keep it coming with the taylor songs , this is my daily bread.)

[solar-beam-me-up-scotty]

I was tagged by @tardisgrump and the rules are: put your entire music library on shuffle and list ten songs, then tag ten people. 

1. Jesse's Girl - Rick Springfield

2. Pokemon Johto - NateWantsToBattle

3. Under Pressure - Queen, David Bowie

4. My Shiny Teeth and Me - NateWantsToBattle

5. Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me - Susan Sarandon ("Rocky Horror Picture Show")

6. Everyone Knows Juanita - Gael Garcia Bernal ("Coco")

7. Star Trek Theme - Michael Giacchino

8. September - Earth, Wind & Fire

9. Rock the Casbah - The Clash

10. Deadpool Rap (X-Force Remix) - Teamheadkick ("Deadpool 2")

Ah, yes. My four moods: 80's pop, rock, movie, and NateWantsToBattle

@anothernameofmine @saygoodnight @montybeth uh I don't think I know anyone else well enough. If you wanna do it, go for it. I unofficially tagged you.

[zackmartin]

Were Zack and Henry Disney Channel kids or Nickelodeon kids growing up (if the channels exist in their universe?) Because I personally feel like Zack would quote SpongeBob and sing the songs unironically. (Also prank calling Ray and asking Is ThIs ThE KrUsTy KrAb?)

Oof, I’m kinda botching this new friendship already, aren’t I? 😬 I sincerely apologize, I’m kinda going through stuff right now so I haven’t logged on in quite a few days and I had everything running strictly on a queue. I would also like to once again apologize for the amount of words I’m about to spew out for such a simple question and I thank you immensely for continuing to indulge me despite the fact that it takes me a billion words to get to the point 😅

I love love love this question, but I feel like it can get a bit tricky with the amount of crossovers that have existed on both channels. But before I get into all that, let me just say first that YOU GET IT! I’ve legit thought about Zack quoting Spongebob to Henry multiple times. Like, it’s just fun to think about them both growing up with it, but while Henry kinda grew out of it after a while and really only watches it if like, Piper’s watching it or something, Zack still kinda does regularly. So, Henry recognizes the references from the earliest seasons, but Zack can quote scenes from the latest seasons that just go straight over Henry’s head 😅 (and then Zack is facepalming because Henry has essentially ruined the joke by forcing Zack to explain it lmao) 

WAIT, WAIT, THIS JUST MADE ME THINK OF SOMETHING FUNNY (well, funny to me anyways) but, I have this HC that I carry over to basically every universe that's basically, Zack knows how to play guitar and he often does so just like, as a hobby, so I just got the image of Hen and Zack in their shared apartment and it's one of their date nights where they decided to just stay in, and they had a little picnic on the floor, and it's all intimate and cute and romantic, and Zack pulls out his acoustic guitar and ofc Henry thinks he's gonna play like, one of their songs or like, a love song or something and Zack even strums a few chords to make Henry think that but then he just dives straight into the Campfire Song Song, and then Henry literally just gets up and leaves the room at that point (but, he does come back a few seconds later to sing along, because, well, you have to. It’s in the lyrics. Also, Henry’s just used to Zack’s antics at that point, he finds them endearing. and it’s not like he hasn’t pulled his own shit during the course of their relationship. it’s another thing that makes them so compatible.) (they’re idiots to idiots in love)

But, anyway, back to the original question; like I said, it gets tricky with the liveaction stuff because of all the crossovers and even,,, reusing actors, so it’s kinda hard to say like, what would be just a tv show in this universe. It’s a little easier with the cartoons I’d say, so I don’t really mind saying they exist as tv shows but like. Even with the Loud House, since there was an episode with j*ce and Cooper like,,,,, would Zack just make a joke about “hey that character kinda sounds like you” ??? who knows

 But, since Suite Life had crossovers with Hannah Montana, That’s So Raven and Wizards then I would just assume that would rule those out as being just tv shows. (although, sometimes i do forget about the crossovers because I thought about Zack finding out Henry’s secret, and being the little shit that he is is just like “oh. so you're just like Hannah Montana :)” but then I remember he like, sort of knows Hannah Montana alsdjf but then that opens up the possibility of Hannah actually existing as a popstar in this universe, and Hen just being like “are you trying to tell me you know Hannah Montana? Like, the popstar Hannah Montana? Best of Both Worlds Hannah Montana?” and Zack just being like “yeah! She ate cake off my sweater vest once :)” henry, after several seconds of silence: “are you messing with me? I feel like you’re messing with me. You’d never wear a sweater vest.” Zack: “this coming from the guy who still tries to convince me he met Bigfoot” “I DID MEET BIGFOOT”) (yes, I’ve thought extensively about this conversation) 

But, even with like,,,,Phil of the Future. I mean, technically I could say that’s just a tv show but since Brenda Song was in it for a bit like. Do Hen and Zack just think her character has an uncanny resemblance to London?? 

There was an episode of HD where Hen and Ray were watching Drake and Josh in the Man Cave, so I could see both of them being fans of that show when they’re kids. And I know both Nathan Kress and Jerry Trainor were guest stars so that might make it a little tricky, but I’d also like to believe that they (meaning Zenry ofc) enjoyed iCarly and also enjoy the reboot. 

I can’t believe I’ve never thought about Zack pranking Ray though. Like, I’ll be super super honest, I cant stand Ray, and I’m so SO close to just straight up making him the villain in one of my AUs that I kinda project that hatred through Zack a bit. Because, Zack sort of only sees the damage that Ray has done when it comes Henry, with basically throwing him into crime-fighting at just 13 and not really training him or giving him any slack when it came to Henry trying to figure out how to balance that world with school and his social life and whatnot, and even just the trauma Henry would face with like, losing his superpower in order to save the world and just,,,getting his ass kicked all the time. And since Hen is basically Zack’s world, he’s just,,,,,not really a fan of Ray; he basically tolerates him when he has to for Henry’s sake. But, I love the thought of him using prank calling as a way to get petty revenge lmao. Like, ofc it doesn’t really do anything, at best it just confuses Ray and maybe drives him insane/ruins his day, but. Any way Zack can get minor revenge on him is enough (also can’t stop thinking about henry catching him in the act one time and just being like “are you prank calling Ray again? 🙄” Zack: “👀 No. That was………Cody.”) 

Anyways, I’m sorry, I feel like I just rambled on forever in the most incoherent way possible and didn’t even answer your question 😬 but this was still super fun to think about anyways 😅

[mearnsblog]

“Frozen” (2013)

Here's a pointless story about the first time I heard about "Frozen." In December 2013, I saw a Switchfoot concert at Rams Head Live in Baltimore, and the opener was a band called New Politics. They charted that year with probably their biggest hit, "Harlem," and that was all I really knew about them. After the show, I was Wikipedia-ing them (as very cool kids do), and realized that "Harlem" was used in a trailer for some Disney movie that recently came out. This is all a long-winded way to say that I'm probably one of very few people in the world to learn about the existence of the soon-to-be titanic megahit "Frozen" in this way. Again: utterly pointless.

The funny thing about that trailer is that it's really not a good one. I don't think that Disney truly realized what it had on their hands. I'm sure they were hopeful that it would be at least as successful as "Tangled," but this was a billion-dollar hit that immediately made "Frozen" Disney's biggest branding opportunity of the century to date. It's obviously still popular today, but it will be difficult to communicate to future generations just how omnipresent "Frozen" became. In the words of Kristen Bell in another project, "Hot diggity dog."

That's all well and good for Disney's marketing team, but Mr. Mouse's bottom dollar doesn't mean much to me. How good is "Frozen," really? Although parents who have had to see it 500 times might have their own opinions, as someone who has maybe seen it once since the first time in 2014 or so (aside from clips here and there), it still holds up! I like "Frozen," I really do. No, I don't have it No. 1, but it's a legitimately enjoyable time. The snowy weather looks fantastic and a lot of work went into the animation.

I don't care if it's hackneyed to say at this point: It's so smart to have two love stories in this movie, with the most powerful one involving two siblings. One can’t say enough about the incredible work done by Bell as Anna and Idina Menzel as Elsa. As a viewer, you fully understand and are brokenhearted about why Anna and Elsa's estrangement occurred, particularly with Elsa so fearful of ever hurting her sister with her powers again. She just wants whatever will ensure that Anna is safe, and it's tricky to still be close without accidentally revealing her powers following Anna's memory wipe. Oh, there probably was a way, but she's a confused kid, not to mention one who loses her parents by the time the prologue has concluded.

Almost all of the characters in this movie are incredibly good. I found the trolls a little tedious, but they really aren't in the movie that long and their song was short enough that I could play on my phone (important, I know). Olaf has become a phenomenon in his own right, but writers were judicious in how much screen time to give him. The focus remains on Anna and Elsa, and to a lesser extent, Hans and Kristoff (and the good boy Sven, of course). A few years after the fact, I've noticed some criticism of the Hans plot twist, but it still works pretty well if you ask me. For most kids, it'll probably be the first plot twist they've ever seen, so that's fun to think about.

Here's a mildly hot take: The soundtrack is only fine. "Let It Go" has gotten all of its plaudits and then some, and "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" is still an expertly-executed prologue song. The rest of it? I mean... if you dig it, I'm happy for you, but despite a shorter soundtrack, "Tangled" had more great songs. This is not meant as a knock on “Frozen!” I would just classify the majority of the soundtrack as “B to B+” Disney compared to top tier.

Again though, "Frozen" is still a good time and ranks in my personal Top 10, which I think will only have one or two more additions as we enter the most recent decade of animated classics. If you disagree, then you whatever. Take your opinion and let it g- /yanked offstage with a giant cane/

Best song: "Let It Go"

Updated ranking

1. “Beauty and the Beast” (review) 2. “The Lion King” (review) 3. “The Little Mermaid” (review) 4. “Cinderella” (review) 5. “Mulan” (review) 6. “Tangled” (review) 7.  “Wreck-It Ralph” (review) 8. “Frozen” 9. “Sleeping Beauty” (review) 10. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” (review) 11. “Aladdin” (review) 12. “The Emperor’s New Groove” (review) 13. “One Hundred and One Dalmatians” (review) 14. “The Jungle Book” (review) 15. “Lilo & Stitch” (review) 16. “The Great Mouse Detective” (review) 17. “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” (review) 18. “Fantasia” (review) 19. “The Rescuers Down Under” (review) 20. “Tarzan” (review) 21. “The Princess and the Frog” (review) 22. “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh” (review) 23. “Alice in Wonderland” (review) 24. “Lady and the Tramp” (review) 25. “Pinocchio” (review) 26. “Robin Hood” (review) 27. “Oliver & Company” (review) 28. “Hercules” (review) 29. “Pocahontas” (review) 30. “The Rescuers” (review) 31. “The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad” (review) 32. “Bambi” (review) 33. “Peter Pan” (review) 34. “The Aristocats” (review) 35. “Fantasia 2000″ (review) 36. “Dumbo” (review) 37. “Bolt” (review) 38. “Meet the Robinsons” (review) 39. “Treasure Planet” (review) 40. “Chicken Little” (review) 41. “Fun and Fancy Free” (review) 42. “The Fox and the Hound” (review) 43. “The Sword in the Stone” (review) 44. “Atlantis: The Lost Empire” (review) 45. “The Three Caballeros” (review) 46. “Make Mine Music” (review) 47. “Brother Bear” (review) 48. “Winnie the Pooh” (review) 49. “Dinosaur” (review) 50. “The Black Cauldron” (review) 51. “Saludos Amigos” (review) 52. “Melody Time” (review) 53. “Home on the Range” (review)

[nad-zeta]

Hi there! If your ask box is still open, how would Masamune, Nobunaga, Ieyasu, Sasuke, and Hideyoshi react to their favorite character from their favorite story coming to life (suppose the reader is their favorite character)? Thanks!!

(｡◕‿◕｡)Hi, there love! Thank you so much for the request! Hehe, honestly I had a hard time wrapping my head around this! I had so many ideas bouncing around lol, but this is what I ended up with, lol I am not sure if this is what you envisioned but yeah. So I am a sucker for romance fairytales, and I know absolutely nothing about Japanese fairytales… oops… so I chose some of my favs. I hope that is okay with you!

Warlord React to Fairytale character coming to life feat: Masamune, Nobunaga, Sasuke and Ieyasu 

Masamune- Tarzan

Every night as a child while the head maid tucked Masamune in bed, she would tell him a new fairytale (˶◕‿◕˶✿)

Masamune’s life was hard, with him having killed his father and his mother constantly trying to kill him 

The maid knew he needed to escape and the best way for a child to do that is through imagination (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Masamune had taken a particular liking to one of the fairytale

Tarzan (✪㉨✪)

He like that he was strong, wild and free ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

Although Tarzan was by no means his favourite character, his favourite was Jane  ❤

His eye would light up in delight the second Jane entered into the story

♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

He loves how she spoke her mind freely and how she lived with so much conviction (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿)

He would often tell the maid that if Jane were a real woman he would marry her in a heartbeat  -ω(‘•ω•｀)♡

Masamune forgot about the story of the wild jungle man and the stubborn love interest as he grew older

Until one night

He was out in the forest taking a walk and clearing his head when he saw a woman falling out of the sky (◯Δ◯∥)

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief (ﾟωﾟ;)

He steadied himself and caught her in his arms (っ*’∀｀*)っ

NO WAY ◉_◉

He got a closer look at her- IT WAS JANE (•ω•)

He asked you a billion questions  �(ﾟ□ﾟ*川

You had told him that you didn’t know who Tarzan was, and that you were busy walking in the jungle when all of a sudden the sky swallowed you up

(｡◕‿◕｡)

Cue masa smirking like a cat that got the cream (^-人-^)

He showed you around Azuchi, and you were amazed by everything

You were especially shook to see Masa having a pet tiger (◕▿◕✿)

Masamune was completely awe stuck you were exactly how the stories described you to be, strong, resilient, determined, stubborn and extremely curious ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

Just as you had saved him in his childhood, you had appeared to him once more to help him, except this time you were real (◠‿◠✿)

You lead him out of the darkness that covered him and back into the light, in some ways his life was like Tarzan and finally he had found his Jane

(>^_^)><(^o^<)

Nobunaga- Snow white

Nobunaga loved his mother, she was the kindest sweetest person in the whole world (◕ω◕✿)

Every night before bed she would tell him a love story about a fair maiden and an evil queen

 ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀ (｀∀’)Ψ

Nobunaga loved this story, and he would always low key get jealous of the 7 dwarves getting to live with such a wonderful person (ʘᗩʘ’)

(¬_¬)

He found her innocence and purity refreshing, and he definitely wanted to kill that evil queen for trying to poison his love with an apple 

̿ ‘“\з=( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’ ̿’ ’ ̿

His mom would always just laugh and shake her head when he would loudly proclaim 

“Wherever you are evil queen you better watch out cause ima kill you for trying to hurt my precious snow white” ╭( ･ㅂ･)و

That night as Nobunaga was staring at the moon and drinking sake, when a fond memory popped up (人◕ω◕)

He remembered his mother and the wonderful stories she would tell him as a child 

(◕‿◕✿)

He went to his desk drawer and fished out the old fairytale book

He traced over the name of the book with his fingertips (´･ω ･ )…oо 

“I wish I could meet someone as wonderful and you one day”

(◡‿◡✿)

At that moment a shooting star flashed across the sky and the book he was holding started to glow (꒪ȏ꒪;)

Nobu threw the book in panic and it landed in the middle of his room

（ノ○Д○）ノ＝＝＝┠

He watched as the book opened up and the light coming from inside growing brighter and brighter ┬┴┬┴┤(･_├┬┴┬┴

Nobunga was SHOOK ◉_◉

A beautiful woman with lips as red as a rose, hair black as ebony, and skin as white as snow appeared before his eyes (;ﾟдﾟ)

You looked up at him with her big doe eyes, and he instantly lost his heart

(⋈◍＞◡＜◍)。✧♡

You were super confused, one moment you were in the forest with some creepy dwarfs accepting an apple from some nice old witch lady, and now you are here ☼.☼

Oh right the apple, you honestly could never say no to free snacks

As you lifted the apple to take a bite (˶◕‿◕˶✿)

“NOOOOOOO DON’T EAT THAT” ゞ◎Д◎ヾ

“Why some nice creepy old witch gave it to me, plus I'm kinda hungry”

“Silly girl, it's poisoned, didn’t your mom ever teach you never to accept food from strangers”  (ー_ー)!!

“Nope”, you were super naïve and way too trusting

(✿◠‿◠)

You took a bite of the apple and in the next moment everything around you went black (︶｡︶✽)

“Fool, good thing mother taught me what to do in these kinds of situations” (≖ᴗ≖✿)

Remembering that the kiss of true love could break any curse he gently cradled you in his arms and leaned in to kiss you  (•‾⌣‾•)و ̑̑♡

He stopped mere millimetres away from your lips, doubts creeping in

“Perhaps I'm the fool for having believed in fairytales all my life”

And with that, he kissed you  (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ )

And the two of you cuties lived happily ever after

♡｡ﾟ.(*♡´‿` 人´‿` ♡*)ﾟ♡ °・

Ieyasu- Sleeping beauty

As a child Ieyasu moved around from place to place as a hostage

His favourite place was with the Oda family （´・｀’ ）♡

Yeah Nobunaga was alright, but his mom, his mom was so sweet and kind (˶◕‿◕˶✿)

She would drag him to sit with her and Nobunaga and read them fairytales

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Ieyasu would always roll his eyes at the young Nobie proclaiming the snow-white would one day be his wife ⚆ _ ⚆

“Yeah right if anything you will probably end up marrying the evil queen”

(¬‿¬)

Cue Nobu wrestling with Ieyasu

(ó ì_í)=óò=(ì_í ò)

“Don’t pretend like you haven’t taken a liking to the princess in that one story” ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ

“I don’t know what you are talking about” 

(；一_一)

“OOoooh really then why do you always blush whenever mother mentions sleeping beauty” young Nobu would say with a smirk ( ͡ᵔ ͜ʖ ͡ᵔ )

“S-shut up, I don’t know what you're talking about” the little Yasu would reply while giving Nobu a brotherly punch (*≧∀≦*)

Years later

Ieyasu dreamt about Nobunaga and his mother and the story about the sleeping princess (◕ω◕✿)

As a child he used to wish on the morning star that somehow he would be able to meet that girl one day (人ゝω・）

Ieyasu woke up, from the dream feeling someone beside him 

He was still half asleep and couldn't help but notice the scent of flowers, it was warm and comforting and before he knew it he was cuddled closer 

(/^-^(^ ^*)/

In that moment he fully woke up (☉_☉)

His eyes went wide at the woman who slept peacefully beside him

(◎_◎;)

He gave a small squeak and instantly backed away )Д⊙`)

Wasabi was curious as to what all the commotion was about, and came prancing into Ieyasu's room ˚ᆺ˚ (◕ω◕✿)

Curious Wasabe trotted her way up to the woman and sniffed her face

˚ᆺ˚ (^̮^)

She smelled just like flowers and the little fawn couldn’t help but nibble      on her nose (◕ω◕✿)

You woke up, giving a big yawn as you moved to sit up and stretch （⌒▽⌒）

You saw a sweet little fawn nuzzling your face with her nose and you let out a chucked (◠‿◠✿)

“Morning Wasabi” ✿◕ ‿ ◕✿

Ieyasu, was in the corner of his room rocking back and forth (•ﾟдﾟ•)

“H-how did you know her name,” he asked shyly ┬┴┬┴┤(･_├┬┴┬┴

“ Oooh she told me” (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

“WAIT, you can talk to animals,” Ieyasu got up and cautiously made his way towards you  (⑉⊙ȏ⊙)

There was no way this was happening to him, you looked and acted exactly like the girl from his favourite fairytale ◉_◉

You noticed the room was a little messy from Ieyasu’s freaking out and decided to help him clean it up  (｡・‧̫・｡).*＊♡

You summoned your forest friends to help tidy up the place 

(◕‿◕✿) ʕᴥ·　ʔ 

Ieyasu.exe stopped working ゞ◎Д◎ヾ

He soon got used to the idea that his favourite fairytale character had come to life and started asking you a billion questions in that contrary way of his   (♡´❍`‘)*✧‘✰ ‘*

It didn’t take long for you two cuties to fall in love  ( ° ᴗ°)~ð (/❛o❛\)

And now the two of you can often be found sleeping the day away

Or dancing together while you hum your favourite song 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜

Sasuke- Frozen

Before Sasuke travelled back to the future he watched a bunch of Disney movies | (• ◡•)| (❍ᴥ❍ʋ)

He had taken a liking to the newest one “Frozen” ✿◕ ‿ ◕✿

He especially liked the funny quirky redhead named Anna (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

He would at times find his mind drifting to the movie and his favourite female character ( ͡ᵔ ͜ʖ ͡ᵔ )

One day during a banquet he saw her ✿◕ ‿ ◕✿

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief and pinched himself ⚆ _ ⚆

This can’t be real ◉_◉

You happily made your way up to the scientist and introduced yourself

(◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

He was shook （（（゜Д゜；）））

You simply shrugged off the fact that you were in a different place 

ʅ（´◔౪◔）ʃ

Your sister had shut you out her life and you had never left the confines of your castle, so you were so ready for a new adventure ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

Sasuke showed you around Kasugayama and you were in complete awe at everything (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

You and Sasuke spent the whole banquet making joke and pranking people (¬‿¬)

Yuki was a little suspicious of you, and as is the standard procedure for the boy, he called you an evil enchantress ⚆ _ ⚆

Sasuke broke out in laughter when you rolled your eyes and sarcastically replied “Nope, that would be my sister”  (˶◕‿◕˶✿)

Sasuke still couldn’t believe it  =^_^=

Not only had he discovered time travel but now his all-time favourite movie crush had come to life (˶◕‿◕˶✿)

Of course, Sasuke being Sasuke he did what any reasonable person would do in this situation (─‿‿─)

He broke out into song  (/◕ヮ◕)/

So the two of you sang “Love is an open door” and lived happily ever after

 ٩(*❛⊰❛)ʓਡ～❤ ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪

The end  ♥

 I hope you enjoyed it dear! ＼(^ω^＼)

[agirlwithachakram]

okay here’s my thoughts about Aladdin (2019)

Things that were okay

"Only your fleas will mourn you" is a sick burn.

"Friend Like Me" was like, all right.

Will Smith was actually good

The Fresh Prince joke was fucking funny. I can't complain about that.

Agrabah was clearly designed by Ubisoft although I wish they'd made more use of that.

Jafar getting new hats every time he upgrades is hilarious. And losing his hat when he's in jail and when he becomes a genie. Just phenomenal. Hat man.

Costumes were good except there was way too much of that eye-scorching pink color.

Things that sucked

Prince Ali. What a nightmare of a number. It looked like it might be a big Bollywood style dance number and then...it wasn't. They kept cutting the shots to things that aren't cool anytime it looked like a cool dance bit might actually happen.

In fact, every musical number looks like it was shot and edited and directed by a person who hates musicals.

A Whole New World could have been a great Disney number or they could've opted to make it more Arabian sounding if they wanted to do something new. Irritating pop ballad shouldn't have even been on the table, but that's what they went with.

What jackass mixed Naomi Scott's voice? In her solo songs, I can't actually understand her, she sounds staticky and crunchy. And she's not really singing musical style, which is unfortunate, but even so, they could've made her voice ring out clear over the drums, and they didn't!

Nasim Pedrad is utterly wasted in this movie. She's an extremely funny actor who gets like three good lines. The rest of the time it feels like her acting choices were dictated by a dumbass.

Actually she's not the only one with that problem. You can't fool me, Disney, I've seen Marwan Kenzari in The Old Guard! I know he's a good actor! So what the hell happened here? Bad lines and bad direction, I guess. They should've kept his beautiful curls, also.

Speaking of, was Disney like "We heard somewhere that our original Jafar was offensive. Therefore, we will now only cast Professional Ridiculously Beautiful Men as Jafar" because they are three for three with Naveen, Oded, and Marwan now.

The script is so stupidly heavy handed and the movie is too long.

It's funny like The Room is funny. Every dramatic moment is so goofy you can't help but laugh. The deliberate funny moments are either 100% carried by Will Smith or they just fall flat.

Hakim. They spend five minutes randomly and suddenly shoehorning in this important character moment for a guy we DON'T KNOW AND DON'T CARE ABOUT.

Iago wouldn't be in this movie if he hadn't been a major character in the previous one. They can't figure out a way to make him make sense, and the fact that Jafar grabs him and drags him into the lamp at the end is stupid and unearned because he doesn't actually seem like a character.

Pasek and Paul have never once written a song FOR something. They just like to write their own songs and everyone's too embarrassed to say "this doesn't really fit" so they just use them anyway.

While we're adding dumb songs, I think they should've added a song for Jafar. "I am from the gutter too" or whatever. Like! They were obviously trying to make him more interesting. Great! So give him an exposition song. He can sing it to/with Iago and thus establish their relationship better.

The CGI on Will Smith is actually pretty much fine, uh, most of the time, but the CGI on poor Marwan at the end is horrendous.

Rajah is like a random animal companion character that Jasmine mostly forgets she has and just keeps for the aesthetic.

Every number with the exception of Whole New World could probably be done as a big showstopping Bollywood style number. Instead, none of them are, which is dumb. They waste a LOT of time on boring bits and dumb lines. They could cut down a half hour and still add another song if they'd just work properly with what they have.

One Jump is a terrible way to introduce Jasmine because it just makes her look extremely stupid right off the bat. Then Jasmine and Aladdin running off to his lil hideout to have a Sad Conversation--which is NEVER FOLLOWED UP ON--is utterly unearned and basically ridiculous. Also the lute/lullaby line made it sound like Aladdin and Jasmine were going to be revealed to be siblings later.

Speaking of One Jump, I think it undermines Aladdin's character to change it like that. In the original, he steals bread which he then gives away. In this one, he steals a necklace and pawns it for dates--which he then gives away, sure, but there's some more direct about the way he clings to the bread specifically for a whole song, only to share it with kids who need it.

ALSO speaking of One Jump, good LORD the editing was terrible. It like...sped up and slowed down? Why??? And why did they half try to get the cartoon acrobatics and half just give up on doing anything interesting at all? Ridiculous.

Why did Jafar call the Sultan Baba? That's not his dad.

How did this movie make a billion dollars when it's so bad. SO MUCH POTENTIAL. So much wasted.

Color grading was bizarre. Mad Max: Fury Road was brighter.

This is the single most phoned in movie I've ever seen and clear proof to me that Disney has completely broken the industry. A billion dollars for this flick that looks like it was directed by some random guy named Ritchie (as opposed to successful director Guy Ritchie) who never went to film school or like, watched a musical ever. At least with the libertarian wet dream garbage that was Avengers: Endgame, they'd spent 20-odd movies convincing everyone it was going to be worth their time!

[hellomomo]

the lovely @tinacentury tagged my in the 7 comfort movie game and like her I have realized that i Do Not watch a lot of movies, let alone rewatch them lol so i will also cheat a bit and use tv shows. in no particular order, here is what my brain managed to scrambled together :D

1. Tangled (2010)

My favourite Disney movie. I just LOVE this one, it’s so much fun and Rapunzel is overwhelmingly relatable. The songs are so catchy and easy to sing along to and I adore the scenery and magic. It’s cute and fun and easy to watch a billion times. And Eugene is obviously the hottest Disney Prince.

2. Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005- 2008)

One of my favourite shows in all of existence! I know putting an series is kinda bending the rules too much but I’m not kidding when I say I could watch any episode/season and feel comforted. But “The Blue Spirit” and “The Beach” may be some of my fave episodes. For those of you who haven’t seen ATLA yet I totally recommend adding it to your binge-list! It’s the perfect combo of comedy, comfort, amazing world building, fleshed-out characters, and friendship/family.

3. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Probably a weird one to put under ‘comfort movies’ but this is a really good movie. I love the action scenes and the fighting and Marvel actually got Steve Roger’s character right in this one. It’s still funny after the nth time watching and the elevator scene will never not be cool.

4. How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014)

I love this entire series but the second was just stunning to watch! The details in the animation were gorgeous and all the scenes were so fun and exciting. And the dragons are so cool and adorable! It was a bit of a tear-jerker though but by the end it still leaves me with a sense of peace and comfort.

5. Sailor Moon R: The Movie (1993 lol wow 6 whole years before i was born)

This is probably my favourite Sailor Moon movie (although I haven’t watched the other ones in a while haha). I LOVE all the flowers everywhere, cried seeing baby Mamo and Usagi in the hospital, and I adored the Moon Revenge scene! It was the perfect blend of romance, Sailor Moon coolness, and fun!

6. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

best Spider-Man movie, best superhero movies, best animated movie, just like BEST MOVIE. This one is INCREDIBLE like you MUST see this movie. I don’t even know how to describe it properly. The animation is AMAZING and there’s so many little details woven into it that add so many layers to the story and viewing experience. The characters are amazing, they did a great job with Miles in particular I think. It’s SO funny, from visual gags to dialogue, it’s hilarious that even like the 7th time around i was still laughing my head off. Seriously, this was a Spider-Man movie that actually felt like a Spider-Man movie. It’s uplifting, heartwarming, filled with amazing action scenes, and I swear the What’s Up Danger scene will have you cheering so hard for Miles.

7. Run BTS! Protect BTS Village Part 1 & 2; Ep. 47/48 (2018)

This still counts as a show right

The suspense, the betrayal, the thrill, the heartbreak, the humour. Run BTS really has it all. Although nothing beats the shock of watching this the first time, the Bangtan Boys are still comedic geniuses when you rewatch it. This episode is a really funny one and it’s a lot of trying to figure the puzzles out with them and guessing which ones are the outsiders. Also, 7 cute boys in different occupation uniforms! 

yeah i really don’t rewatch a lot of stuff. i like to watch most films just for fun so i don’t watch a lot of ‘classics’ or award winning stuff. 

idk who to tag since i think most of my mutuals have already done this but anyone who wants to feel free to do it!

[pallasperilous]

Morning Glory

Rating: Gen/Teen Word Count: 1795, complete Pairing: Dean/Castiel Tags: Temporarily Human Castiel, Canon universe, anxiety, insomnia, sleep disorders, angel vessels, references to the Empty, references to alcohol abuse AO3 version: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18163709 Prompt: Written as a lil clapback to the fanon trope that Human!Castiel Is Not A Morning Person. (For @cr-noble-writes and @chuckwinchester)

Dean couldn’t really explain why he’d assumed Cas would suck at mornings. Maybe the 24/7 bedhead and the “it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere” shadow; maybe the fact he never really seemed convinced that “taking a shower” and “eating breakfast” weren’t just some elaborate long con they’ve been pulling on him for the last half a goddamn decade. Maybe just the way he veers into grouchy asshole territory whenever the world takes a dump on his shoes, which is kind of the definition of mornings. 

Whatever: Cas just seems like the kind of guy who’d need forty minutes of silence and three cups of coffee before he’d count as human.

Hey, well, joke’s on Dean, ‘cuz the guy definitely (currently) counts as human, and he’s awake at five fucking thirty in the morning, every morning, bright-tailed and bushy-eyed and talking a mile a minute. A mile a second. He’s breaking the sound barrier and exerting serious G-forces. 

Dean would tear his own face off if he thought it’d make the dude shut up until the Pop-Tarts came up. Instead he just kinda lets the Cas Chatter wash over him, like really phlegmy birdsong, or the world’s weirdest morning chit chat show.  

Cas has at least taught himself to make coffee –– apparently all on his own, since Sam isn’t taking credit for it, and Sam loves taking credit for shit. It’s not the worst coffee, either. I mean, it’s bad coffee, nobody here is drinking Good Coffee, it’s a weapon, not an experience –– but it’s not watery or full of grounds or made with orange juice or some other weird dumbass goof. 

Sam’s take is that maybe Jimmy Novak was a Morning Person and now that Cas isn’t using the guy’s body as a kind of celestial thermos, some of the dude’s original behaviors or genetics or whatever are sort of…coming back online, reasserting themselves. “Like the burger thing,” Sam says, shrugging.

“Well, that’s ten kinds of fucked up,” Dean answers, but then the goddamn ghoul turns out to be a whole Leave It To Beaver nuclear ghoul family and the conversation gets extremely tabled.

There’s a morning awhile after where Dean wakes up still drunk and can’t handle the thought of two more hours riding the motel bed over the rolling seas of FuckUpistan, so he gets up and showers off the townie bar fug as best he can without waking Sam – only Sam, because it’s dawn and so Cas is already up and probably singing Disney princess songs to the seagulls haunting the trashcans in the parking lot. 

Dean reaches to scoop his keys and does a bleary double take when they’re not on the nightstand. He takes a moment to freak out at the possibility of Cas doing his clutch-smiting routine on the Impala, but something twigs and he peels open the door and yep, the car’s still in the lot, outlined in scribbly motel neon and highway dawn pink. There’s a faint warble of bass rolling off it in time tooooo…Dean’s gonna say Hole in the Sky? So he kinda queases his way over the lumpy asphalt and knuckles on the driver side window and Cas jumps a fucking foot, or he would if he weren’t wearing the goddamn lap belt in a perfectly stationary car.

Dean thumbs at the other side and Cas shakes himself off enough to lean over and pop it for him. Dean slides in and the car smells like three hour-old motel check-in desk coffee – his stomach immediately tries to file a lawsuit but the sanctity of the leather interior wins over his bodily need to evacuate poisons every time. Cas’s hands are back on the steering wheel, gripping it at 10 and 2 like a good boy but with his knuckles the color of popcorn, an abused-looking paper cup empty on the seat besides him, and Sabbath is still living on the profits of pride at top volume. Dean rolls it down to conversational levels so he doesn’t have to scream when he says “What’s the story, morning glory?”

Reminder: Dean is definitely still drunk.

Thankfully Cas doesn’t really know from Oasis or Sunday morning BJs so Dean just gets two blue eyeballs full of blank terror. 

Dean tries again, picks the cup up off the seat. There’s a rind of dried coffee juice inside. “What’s up? Sunrise three minutes off? Songbirds outta order? Thought you’d be out here braiding your hair and frolicking in the dew or some shit.” 

Cas blinks, which is something he’s been doing a lot more lately and frankly is a weird look for him. “No,” he says, voice cracking. “I haven’t done any of those things this morning.” He frowns, which is a little better. “Or any morning, to my knowledge.”

“So, what then? Bad dreams?” 

Cas scrunches his face up in his left hand, pulls it back through his already frankly insane hair, sighs out a gust of Eau de Flopsweat. “No. I didn’t dream at all.”

“Congrats.”

Cas goggles back at him. “As much as I dislike dreaming as a…subject, instead of an observer. I find its absence.” He hesitates. “Much worse.”

Dean rubs his eyes because this has that angsty metaphysical angel pong to it and that’s really more of a Sam Specialty. “How’s it worse? I drink for those nights, man. It’s a few hours off of. You know.” He gestures at The Universe, Generally. “All this shit.”

Cas scoffs and leans back in the seat, although he doesn’t release the wheel from the iron grip. “Dean, in almost four billion years of existence –”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Dean mutters, because this is the traditional overture to an absolute diarrhea of angelsplaining.

Cas ignores him, or maybe Sabbath covers his tracks – “I have never been rendered…unconscious.”

Dean gives him a look, because bullshit. “C’mon. I’ve seen you knocked out before. Down for the count.”

Cas shakes his head. “I’ve been forced to cede control over my vessel. I’ve withdrawn into it to preserve myelf. I’ve experienced a fugue state, or been made to retroactively forget details of my experience. But I have never.” He breathes in through his nose, the edges of his nostrils going white to match his knuckles. “I’ve never been insensate and unaware at the same time.”

Some asshat pulling his rig out of the diner across the way opens up his jake brake and Cas flinches at the crack. 

“Huh,” is about what Dean’s got to serve up. “You worried somebody’s gonna snuff you while you’re down? We can take shifts when we’re on the road, if that’s what’s freakin’ you out.”

Another shake of the head. “Anyone truly invested in eliminating me specifically in this…state would be too powerful or competent to be defended against through normal means. Angels can be killed, Dean. My experience of a mortal death would be – ” he cuts himself off. “Less worrisome than the alternative, in many ways.”

“Cool, so, being murdered in your sleep, not a concern.”

“I’m more concerned,” Cas huffs, “that I am unable to defend you.” His forehead droops down towards the steering wheel, like a houseplant somebody forgot to water before a Disneyland vacation.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Dean says.

“I am not,” Cas answers, “fucking kidding you.”

Dean snorts. “I made it thirty years without your feathery ass watching over me. Now you’ve just got a normal-ass…ass, you think I’m suddenly shaking in my boots? C’mon, man.”

Cas shrugs, which looks even weirder on him than the blinking.

Dean twiddles the paper cup, rolls it between his palms. “You haven’t been, like, watching me and Sam sleep, have you? Because you know I can stand that Twilight shit.”

“No,” Cas says, in a tone of infinite offense, like Dean has suggested he sleeps in girls underwear or something. “But, Dean. The experience of sleep. Dreamless sleep. It’s not. It’s not dissimilar to what we are told to expect, as angels, after death.”

(The music slides over into Symptom of the Universe and Dean desperately wishes he’d left something peppier in the deck when they pulled in last night.)

 “Only I’m given to understand that we are at least…in company with each other. Though silent and unaware. We share the same sleep. In a way it’s a return to our origin as an undifferentiated host. But in human sleep.” He looks over at Dean, face slack. “You’re alone. Prisoner in a corporeal cell. Did you know,” he goes on, practically stepping on himself, warming up the verbal jet engines, “that some individuals experience a phenomenon where, upon waking, they suffer a period of total bodily paralysis?” 

Dean frowns. “Yeah. Sounds shitty.”

Cas nods. “Jimmy experienced it semi-regularly.” Then he looks out and up, squints at the motel sign. Maybe he needs glasses.

“So you inherited it, huh?” Dean says, softly. Cas doesn’t respond. “So, sleeping’s shit. And waking up’s shit.”

Cas’s squint turns into a wince. “In the Bunker, I’ll get up and make coffee.”

Dean waggles the mutilated cup. “Yeah, noticed that. Thinking of buying stock in Folger’s.”

“I’ll visit the archives, or. Write letters.” (Who the fuck is he writing letters to, Dean idly wonders? Dear Angel Abby?) “Go up to the roof to,” he glances at Dean, anticipating the eyeroll, “watch the dawn. On the road, it’s…more difficult to keep myself occupied. Keep my mind off of the fact that I can no longer hear the rest of the host. That I am,” he stretches his palms out over the wheel, tenses his clenched fingers, “quite nearly useless,”

“Cas,” Dean says, even more softly.

“And that, in a mere matter of hours,” Castiel closes his eyes, or the eyes he is currently doing business under. “The cycle will repeat.”

“Cas,” Dean says. And he reaches out what he suspects is the memory of Mom’s hand and sets his palm on the back of the guy’s neck, against the damp skin and unwashed hair. The muscles there relax but the blue eyes stay closed and Dean drops the cup on the floor and sets the other hand that’s just his on the side of Cas’s face, and slowly sweeps the side of his thumb over the sandpaper jaw and waxy cheekbone. 

And he pulls Cas’s head towards him, then down against his own shoulder and chest. Cas’s hands peel off the steering wheel and drift to lie, palms open, up, across their undistinguished assortment of kneecaps and thighs.

After awhile, a few more tracks in the tape, Cas’s breathing goes smoothe and deep. Dean feels eyelashes flicker against his collarbone – guy’s already dreaming.

Dean watches the dawn, reflected on motel windows.  

[koganphrancis]

WE ARE FINALLY, TRULY CAMLESS!

Season 9 Episode 6 Recap

First and foremost, I want to single out Noel Fisher for being a truly class act and returning to this demon show to give fans what happiness he could-the ONLY happiness a lot of fans have found here, myself included, in a very long time.

Next a serious piece of appreciation to Cameron Monaghan.  I know he worked hard on what little they gave him to do in the past few years, and I’m thankful he had Gotham to work on to actually use his talent while mired down in the stinky swamp this show has become.  In another actor’s hands, I don’t know that Gallavich would’ve been as captivating as it was-without Noel I know it wouldn’t have been, but Cam does deserve credit for bringing the other half of the couple to life-when they were on screen together, they had an undeniable magic happening.

Finally to any of the “fans” that are thinking or posting that we got this actually pretty shitty prison endgame because people pestered the show producers, writers, and actors too much to “bring Mickey back” may I please direct you to watch the early episode (I believe it was in Season 1, but certainly no later than S2) where Lip tells Ian prison must be a gay man’s dream with all the tattoos and unlimited sex partners.  THAT is John Wells’ perception of gay men and it has been since long before he even thought of breaking Ian and Mickey up, let alone bringing Mickey back.  

Personally I’m supremely disappointed this gay couple, like so many others, did not get a free and truly happy ending in canon, even though my friends know I predicted this could very well be all we got in the end.  FFS it’s the year twenty gayteen-couldn’t ONE iconic gay couple be given a nice, normal happy ending?  John Wells is a fucking dinosaur.  He needs to go to a sensitivity training camp run by Dan Levy, Emily Andras, and Ryan Murphy.  

Anyway-my last recap (baring a miracle) of this shit show is under the cut

(screen cap credit: justmikhailothings)

This episode was brought to us by White Castle.  I’d like to think they gave every dime they got from them to pay Noel, but I’m sure it went to the other “big name” guest stars.

Also the show was (disappointingly) written by Nancy “Ratfucker” Pimental, so you know it’s gonna be bad.

The show begins with Ian putting his stuff away up in the attic and claiming he wants to eat a shitload of White Castle.  Sure, whatever.  Everyone is trying to offer ideas of what they should all do on his last day of freedom, but suddenly THIS Ian is talking and making decisions for himself.  WHERE HAS HE BEEN THE PAST 4 SEASONS?  He only appears when Mickey’s about...

Debbie offers to bring him to a gay bar to “get laid” (flashing back to Monica in S3, ugh-it was a bad idea then, it’s a bad idea now), Ian says, “Pretty sure I’ll get laid a lot in prison.”  He says it with a grim expression, but considering how they end the show/who his cellmate is, he should be so lucky.  

Frank pretty much ignores Ian in the scene, and they certainly don’t interact.  Frank recommends Ian should read James Joyce’s Ulysses in prison, but other than the fact that it’s by an Irish writer and it’s extremely long and dense to get through (aka it’ll take Ian some time to do it), I don’t know if there’s any significance to his suggesting it.  

This scene with just a throwaway send off from Macy seems to be in line with John Wells’ vision to have the series fade away with the characters going about their daily lives rather than end, but I really think both Cam and WHM were screwed out of not having a final scene together with just the two of them.  Their comedy timing was always the best out of Macy and all the Gallagher kids.  The lack of respect is just astounding-especially since the show wasted so much time on rando actors/characters we’re never going to see again.

The rest of Frank’s story this week takes place with Liam in tow again and it’s just dumb and boring.

The next scene shows Fiona and Bored looking at an apartment-they’re going to move in together (why?  And when was this decided?  Not that I care, but they could’ve cut a scene of them bickering to show a scene where they arrived at a decision together for once).  It makes absolutely no sense-they have Fiona’s whole place to themselves, why waste $3000 a month living in some other apartment all to themselves?  Just because it has two bathrooms?  Do they shit that much?

And then, ooh, bad news for Fiona-her business partners require her to kick in another 25 grand or their investment will be dead in the water.  I still don’t know how she went from having $50K to invest to $100K, so this new twist is just more bullshit that I can’t care about.  

Then there’s a scene where we have to see Carl’s new girlfriend’s head in Ian’s lap.  WTF.  We need to see Mickey’s head there-or better yet, Ian using Mickey’s perfect thighs as a pillow.  

There’s a couple of boring, unfunny bits of the nun and then the priest (is it supposed to be hilarious that the dad from Full House is spewing out sex scenario names Nancy must’ve googled?) from Kev and Vee’s kids’ preschool with a dildo.  Seriously, Nance, not even close to funny, probably time to put yourself out to pasture, old girl.  This show has used dildos as a sight gag so many times at this point there’s just nothing more to do with them except maybe shove them up the writers’ asses.

Lip’s storyline this week is something out of very, very bad fan fiction: A movie star comes to their house!  Cuz, that happens, okay?  I’m sure studios and billion dollar make up companies don’t run any kind of background check on people they hire to babysit their clients-why would they?  It’s not like a crazed fan would rape/maim/kill the object of their obsession or anything.  ANYONE can be a star minder for one day, surely.  

BORING ALERT: Lip has a couple more running scenes this week, because no one got enough of that last episode.  This week the least they could’ve done was play the Friends theme song over the endless footage where he’s chasing Courtney Cox around on location in Chicago.  

While watching, I was wondering if Courtney’s role was written for her or they just settled for her when Roseanne Barr was suddenly unavailable-the stuff they had her say and do (except for the sprinting) seemed like it was written for a more jaded motherly type-but I’m jumping ahead.  Since we DID get CC, here’s a couple of stray observations.  1. She looks like a rich man’s Emmy Rossum, and 2. was part of the purpose of her storyline to throw shade at Jennifer Aniston?  Her character is named Jen Wagner, and there’s this whole dumb thing where Nancy’s trying to make, “Face it, you’re gorgeous” happen as her make up commercials’ tag line-which was reminiscent of Aniston’s ads for L’Oreal that stated “I’m/you’re worth it”.  

Meanwhile, after Fi gets the devastating news that she needs to come up with more money she tries to get out of taking the new apartment with Bored by lying to him and telling him she smelled mold there-HE RESTORES OLD HOUSES/BUILDINGS FOR A LIVING why does Nancy think that was a clever lie for Fiona to come up with?  How stupid is Fi supposed to be?

Back at the Gallaghers, Ian is practicing self defense moves with Carl and Kelly to prevent someone from raping him at knife point.  Everyone’s flipping each other in these scenes and it just felt like they wanted to give their stunt coordinator (and Cam’s double) a lot of (boring) shit to do this week...Ian’s final scenes being played out with this meaningless newbie (who Carl will probably wind up killing or dumping or both) made me very sad.  I guess maybe it was to build dramatic tension for when Ian’s in his cell later and the door slides open before he turns around.  But it’s lame because the scenes play like he’s JUST realizing prison’s rapey.  

Someone knocks at the door-my heart started racing but it wasn’t Mickey.  A guy who wasn’t in the jail scenes tells Ian Joselito sent him.  Ian starts asking him about the guys he was in county lock up with-WHO CARES.  The guy tells him the couple he’s asking about broke up when one of them got out and Nancy throws in a line about long distance relationships not working.  Joselito sent this Antonio guy to give Ian an “in-depth safety orientation about Beckman Correctional” before they send him up.   

Antonio draws Ian a map of the facility and tells him the areas to avoid, then draws a big circle with Mickey Mouse ears on it and tells him that’s “Disneyland” and he can get all good things there-smooth blowies, weed, Snickers...I’m sure ol’ Nancy thought she was being clever, but it just took me out of the scene hearing Antonio say “Disney” at least three times-reminded me of Cam’s publicity stunt “coming out date” there last year.  

Fi comes in and asks if anyone has any money (shades of S4 when Ian gave her his Fairy Tail tips) and that she needs 25 grand.  She’s so stupid.  And she’s honestly that out of touch with the family that she thinks maybe one of them has thousands of dollars they could give her?  (although, if she had only gotten to Lip before he tried to buy Xan...)

Fiona tells Ian, “Don’t forget, I’m driving you to prison tomorrow.”  And that’s the last time they see each other.  So much for family, eh, Nance?

A huge time waster of a scene where Kev and Vee pack up all their sex toys and then another drawn out scene of them throwing the stuff off a bridge happen.  Seriously, these are Cameron’s final moments on this shit show-they couldn’t think of anything for him to do?  This was all screen time Cam and Noel could have had, SHOULD have had!

I have to recap this next bit because it was beyond belief unrealistic-Frank steals a bicycle and goes following Katey Sagal and her ex-husband when they leave the hospital in an Audi-and Frank manages to keep up with them all the way to their nice neighborhood that must be some distance away since it was daylight when they left and dark when they get to their door.  Frank.  On a bicycle.  Kept up.  YOU’RE SUCH A DUMB FUCK, NANCY.

Then there’s more White Castle with the money shot of the food and packaging all over the Gallagher kitchen table.  Courtney gets to make a bulimia joke Nancy wrote into the scene.  Hope you weren’t looking for a Guest Starring Emmy, CC.  

Ian tells a “Carl story” about him puncturing his scrotum (on purpose) with a screwdriver when he was a kid.  Carl must have the most mangled dick and scrotum on the planet between his several botched circumcisions and now this.  Kelly asks him if that’s why he has “that scar”.  You know what, Nance?  While some people do in fact find scars sexy, self inflicted ones on scrotums don’t make that list.  

Debbie comes in, recognizes “the chick from the make up ads” having dinner with them.  I’m sorry-having WHITE CASTLE with them.  Now everyone else sees it too, and Kelly insists that CC says “the” line that Nancy made up to make happen-why do they keep trying to make meaningless things A Thing?  

After dinner, Jen is giving Ian advice about prison: “Find a hobby, it makes time go so much faster.”  Ian asks, “Did you learn that from one of your movies?” and she says she did 48 hours for DUI (hey, just like Ethan, Nancy!).  Jen really needed to get into making TP paper mache to get through 2 days?  

Debbie, desperate to make shit about her says, “Maybe I should go to prison too.  It seems like the only way I’ll find a real relationship.”  WHY are they acting like Ian’s going away on a single’s cruise?

Jen says to Debs that’s not true and Debbie says it is, that she’s unlucky in love (when the fuck has she ever been “in love”?)...”men, women...”  

Jen tells her she’s a special woman (how the fuck does she know?) and that she doesn’t want just anyone, she wants somebody “who gets you” and then for the second time in two weeks an older woman, without determining if Debbie is of age, pulls her into a kiss and the others (Ian, Lip, Carl, Kelly) stare like, “WTF?”  The kiss ends and Debbie looks all amazed like she did after the Mel kiss, but then Jen looks at everyone and says, “I played a lesbian once in a movie.”  And that’s what your research into that role led you to believe lesbians do?  Kiss random teens when they’re whining?  Lip starts the “Face it” line and everyone else chips in with “you’re gorgeous” and everyone laughs and I don’t get why it’s funny or even why it’s supposed to be funny.  Seemed like they were trying to drive home the point that ACTORS only PLAY gay characters, but no matter how convincing they seem, they are in reality the much more “preferable” heterosexuals we can feel safe with and really want them to be.  Fuck you, Shameless.

Also, Courtney/Jen is three times older than Debbie-CC is 54 irl and Debs is forever 17 now, so more Kash vibes for anyone who was missing those.  Also perpetuates the writer room’s fantasy that hot young actors would find middle and past middle age folks suitable sex partners.

Fi goes to Patsy’s Pies and there’s another hysterically lame scene where she opens the office safe and is counting out money-I don’t know how much a place like Patsy’s rakes in (or keeps in their safe) but I would think it would take a long time to accumulate 25K in CASH in this day and age of debit and credit cards.  She abandons that bad idea and winds up going down to the docks and drinking with a Patsy’s employee and reciting all her “mo money” problems while he counters with the facts that his car’s been repossessed and that he and his moms are being evicted from the projects.  Then the guy kisses drunk Fi but she tells him she has a boyfriend and that she has to apologize for lying to him (although, really, the underlying implication is she has to apologizing for never seeing that he’s always right about her being a dumb woman who has no head for business decisions).  

Lip and Ian have their last one on one scene.  After the movie star mom for a day leaves, Ian’s fake smoking on the front steps and Lip joins him.  Lip gives him money for his commissary account and Ian says, “I’ll pay you back,” (but not thank you) and Lip says, “No you won’t,” and I’m at home saying, “Lip, why are you being such a dick?”  Ian goes to hand him the lit cigarette, but pulls it away when Lip reaches for it, but then gives it to him and rubs his shoulder.  I guess this is supposed to signal to us that they’ve said everything that’s needed to be said?  Except we’ve been watching and we know Lip is supposed to be a mouthy motherfucker and in the old days they would’ve had actual conversations that they DID NOT have at all-all their conversations this season have been short and awkward.  Ian’s been made into a fucking mute now, even in these final moments.

Their last scene should’ve been in their room, in their beds-Ian can’t sleep and they talk things out in the dark like the brothers they used to be, but no.  Can’t have that.  

The Fiona drama finding out Bored has a wife, kid, and house and then drunkenly smashing up her leased vehicle is so “bad soap opera” I can’t believe this show is still on the air.  If we were supposed to cry for Fiona as her make up  and fake blood ran down her face after her millionth time of being let down by a guy everyone else could see was an ass from the start-well, we just didn’t.  

Next day the Gallaghers are waiting in the living room for Fiona to take Ian to prison.  Kev steps up to drive them all in his truck.

They get there, get out, and Ian looks around, then says to his family, “All right.  I thought Geneva and some of the others would be here but...”  Thank christ they weren’t!!!  The show/Ian wasted too much time on those randos as it was.  However, credit where credit is due-the show got us all the way through this swan song arc without bringing up Terror once!  But I digress, back to our scene.  Carl says, “You can only count on family, dude.”  I scream BULLSHIT at my TV screen.  

Debbie says, “I’m gonna miss you.” 

Group hug.  Kev says, “Don’t get too raped in there, aight?”  Everybody breaks apart, the moment ruined.  Kev says he doesn’t know what to say in these situations (and clearly no one can improvise but Noel).  Vee says, “How about goodbye and I love you?”  

Kev says, “Goodbye, man. I love you.”  

Ian says, “I love you guys too.”  Wasting it on the wrong fucking people!  All of them-except Kev and Vee who never voiced an opinion-didn’t care if went to prison!  

Ian looks at Lip, walks over to him.  “Hey, uh, thanks for being my brother.”

Lip, still a dick, says, “Never had a choice.”  That’s right, bitch-you didn’t get to choose to play the interesting gay brother, you got cast as the dick know-it-all who never cared about anyone but himself.  

During this entire farewell scene I was sitting at home, strangely unmoved.  I felt nothing watching it, probably because everyone was such an asshole about Ian going to prison all season, plus never caring about what he was doing all last season, plus the fact that none of these characters are the characters we first got to know.  It hasn’t been a case of character growth and development, it’s been character assassination and retconning.  

Ian breaks the hug.  “All right.  See you guys.”  He goes to the gate, shows his papers, gets let in through the gate, waves to his family as he walks past the fence, walks into the prison, slaps his phone (wouldn’t he just give that to Lip to hold on to?  Battery’s gonna be dead by the time he gets out) and watch (probably ditto on the watch battery) onto a counter, strips down so we see one last quick shot of his naked ass (what, no cavity search?  And just how long has it been since we’ve seen his unclothed ass anyway?), and a glimpse of the boob tattoo.  

Next we see him in his yellow “I Love You, Philip Morris” jumpsuit, carrying his bedding through the GP.  He’s attracting “fresh meat” attention and Cam actually does a really good job of looking a bit scared while trying to look tough and “don’t fuck with me”-there’s a vulnerability there, but he’s not overplaying it, and he’s certainly not overplaying the fronting.  His acting was really powerful in that scene.  

They put him in his cell and slam the door and he winces a little at the sound, then he sadly looks at his 6X8 foot (or whatever the dimensions are) room, puts his bedding pile on the top bunk and leaves his hands up there and lets his head hang down.  He hears the door slide open behind him again and gets this, “Ugh, here we go,” expression on his face and turns around to see it’s Mickey standing there.

Me at home: Not what I wanted for end game but I’m still thrilled to see the man, the myth, the legend again anyway.  He’s all beefy still from when he was shooting Fonzo and looking good.  

Ian’s looking at him like he’s not sure he’s really there.

Mickey mildly says, “I rolled on the cartel I was working for and in exchange guess who gets to pick where he gets locked up?”  

Ian’s got tears in his eyes now and says, “Holy fuck.”

“Oh hey-I got bottom,” Mickey says as he points to the lower bunk.  Then he walks past Ian and says, “So...you’re on top,” in a bit of a sing-songy voice. 

He flops down onto the bunk, puts his hand behind his head-and check out the gifs closely, especially on Twitter-in the jumpsuit you can see the outline of his dick and it “twitches in interest” as the fan fics say (don’t know if Noel did it by adjusting his thigh, don’t know if it was intentional or what-but it was a sight to see whatever the case).  He does a lip lick/bite combination, Ian’s face lights up a bit and he gives a smile, he crawls onto the bunk on top of Mickey, pinning his hand down while Mickey smiles softly, they gaze at each other a beat, Ian gently strokes Mickey’s cheek, Mickey wraps his free hand behind Ian’s neck, their noses boop, and Ian sort of gently thrusts into a kiss (it was good-definitely had a bit of a sexual vibe to it), which Mickey expertly returns.  It was a very good kiss, tender and loving, but that scene needed words, needed Ian to say SOMETHING to Mickey-needed an “I’m sorry” and a “thank you for always being here for me” and exchanged I love yous.  Neither of these boys are ever told they’re loved!  JFC, nine seasons and the show couldn’t manage to work mutual ILYs in ONCE?  Fuck you, Shameless.  They didn’t even say each other’s NAMES!  

Mickey (and Noel) looked so fucking good lying there-relaxed and happy, finally back with his love where he’s always belonged.  Even when his eyes are closed, they’re perfect.  The angle the scene was shot at, we see more of Mickey’s microexpressions than Ian’s.  

An after the credits began scene of them lying in an afterglow embrace would’ve been nice.  Mickey could’ve mocked Ian’s hair (give us one last “Fire Crotch” you cowards!) and boob tattoo (or offered to fix that for him while they’re in the joint).  

Mickey’s got new ink on his forearm we never see clearly.  Until and unless we’re told otherwise, I’m saying it’s a big ginger root ;)  Bam.  

On a personal note, and not to rain on anybody’s parade, while I believe 100% in Drunk Crew Guy and what he said, I really don’t see us getting another scene in the finale.  This show’s attention span is down to nothing now, and I can’t see them dragging these guys back out now that they’ve given us (shitty) endgame. I don’t think enough time will have passed to let them out of prison by then, I think those final episodes are going to be about Fiona leaving and not Ian and Mickey getting to Mexico-and I can’t really see Mickey being able to go back there now that he’s crossed a cartel.  My feeling is the show filmed 2 possible endings using Noel to choose from-one ending with them in Mexico and the other being the one we got.  They probably ripped off The Shawshank Redemption too much with a Mexico ending and decided to go with this “original” idea instead.  I’d love nothing more than to be wrong, and to get one more scene of these two free and happy.  Cam’s question mark at the end of his farewell post and the fact that I do trust everything DCG said leaves a spark of hope burning in my heart, but hopefully I can back away from endless online speculation and theories about it over the next 5 months.  If it happens, beautiful.  If it doesn’t, at least we got one last look at Mickey and he’s getting dicked down and the love he’s always deserved, even if I hate the fact they’re locked up and will be in danger whenever they’re not in their cell-not to mention this is the shitty way gay love stories get handled in general, but I must not go down that path again in this recap.  

I want to add that Mickey didn’t sound all that “Mickey” in his scene, but maybe he didn’t need his swagger and was being more “real” to let Ian know he had a choice (as always, Mickey didn’t force himself on Ian-he let him come to him).  And kudos to Cam for not doing his hideous Chicago accent for most of the episode.  

There WAS love and chemistry in that final scene.  Just sucks that we don’t get it anywhere else in the show and they wasted so much time last night that could’ve been given to Cameron and Noel.  

But hey, I’m finally free of recapping ;)  While I’m sorry the Gallavich parts are now over, I’m not sorry I can finally quit missing what we used to get while watching what the show now does.  Mickey and Ian are back together now, so, fuck you, Shameless.  

[filmtalks4filmophiles]

Animation - An Anti-review of Wolfwalkers

Intro

Indies are one of the most essential parts to any industry. When a studio is held back by their budget and staff, competing with multi-billion dollar companies, they need to figure out a way to stand out. And sometimes, “standing out” is an understatement. I have incredible amounts of respect for and adore indies, no matter the industry: Music, games, and films, especially when it comes to animations. In an industry primarily dominated by large companies such as Disney Animation Studio, Pixar (owned by Disney), 21st Century Fox Animations (also owned by Disney), and Blue Sky (dissolved by Disney) manufacturing the next film to be mass-marketed to consumers, it’s always refreshing to see what pieces of art small independent animation studios are crafting.

I encountered Wolfwalkers back in 2021 through a YouTube recommendation of a clip. In under 3 minutes, I was absolutely amazed by the artstyle, animation, environment, characters, story-telling, lighting, framing, voice acting, sound design, and music. It’s difficult to describe how exactly every part of that scene pieced together so well, but it’s easy to understand that I wanted to see the rest of this film. Unfortunately for me, the only way to legally watch it would have been through AppleTV+, which is one factor I blame for its lack of recognition. But then, an opportunity arose earlier this year when I got my first Apple device in about a decade with 3 months of AppleTV+. The anticipation forced my expectations high, but they still were surpassed. Everything great about that clip lasts for the full hour and a half runtime and is nothing short of incredible.

The "Review"

Wolfwalkers is a 2D animated film released in 2020 and produced by Cartoon Saloon in collaboration with Melusine Productions. It’s the final movie of the director, Tom Moore, "Irish Folklore Trilogy", although context from the previous two entries, The Secret of the Kells (2009) and Song of the Sea (2014), are unnecessary. Its budget is under $12 million. (For reference, recent Pixar films are estimated to have about $200 million budgets.) The film reached critical acclaim having won over 25 awards and nominated for at least 45 others. The story is centered around a girl named Robyn who…

I find it extremely difficult to talk a lot about this film, not for the reason that there’s not much to talk about, but there’s a conflict of interest in wanting to discuss something I really enjoyed to encourage them to watch it, and wanting someone else to experience the film almost completely blind like I did. Sure, I could talk about the plot points covered in the movie’s description, but even then, my lost mind found the execution and reveal of those moments to be poetic and breathtaking. If this was a wider-known piece of media, it would be a lot easier to talk about since there’s a good chance the reader has already seen it, or at least knows more than enough about it.

As a reviewer, all I am capable of doing is describing complex pieces of art by attempting to force things that provoke complex sensations and emotions into just words on a paper or screen, like someone trying to describe the sound quality of thousand dollar headphones. Only even then, for those words, that can’t serve the piece of art any justice, to be ignored in favor of an objective two digit number to label the film’s quality to be compared to other incomparable films that share the same form of media. It’s bullshit.

Let's Try Something Different

So, what can I do? As someone who’s expected to manufacture a review with the motive to encourage others to watch an excellent film by informing them of details that would hinder their experience? Well, I have a less traditional idea, which involves providing details that often go unnoticed, but would enhance a first-timer’s experience of the film. How will this go? I’m unsure, but that’s up for you to judge.

Arts and Animation

Starting off with visuals, it’s traditional 2D animation, which is very untradition in this modern era, especially for films in the West. Despite using modern technology, they wanted a clear distinction between the human and natural world. For example, the humans from the town have a pretty clean look to them, unlike the wolves from the forest. The artists and animators chose to retain their construction lines, which are temporary lines artists use for reference when drawing something. Also, the lines drawn from frame-to-frame for these characters are intentionally imperfect. For the natural environments, the colors and lines drawn aren’t perfectly contained, which they did to mimic flaws akin to in woodblock printing. And actual water colors were used to allow the colors to bleed. The result is a beautifully imperfect world with a nice cozy organic feel to it. The way these nuanced “flaws and mistakes” are embraced for the film’s identity is beautifully poetic.

Sounds and Voice-Acting

I’m not much of a sound person, but I really do appreciate the sounds of this film. From the more obvious things like the wolf howls, pawsteps and growls, to the subtle details you’re likely not to consciously notice like the reverb of a woodpecker, the soft rushing of a waterfall, and the quiet chirping of distant birds. But I think the thing that does it for me is the voice acting, which is just superb. One trend I’m really not a fan of is seeing celebrities take the role of voice actors. The training to be a voice actor contrasts quite a bit from that of just an actor, which isn’t to say that actors don’t make good voice actors, but really don’t compare to someone who specializes in that profession. Not a single name from Wolfwalker’s IMDb I recognize, but I really hope to see their talents really shine here. The voice performance is consistent and works really well with their characters. The emotions conveyed in them feel realistic and are able to go from wholesome to heart-aching. There’s a part where one of the characters is trying to hide her pain, but her body language along with the voice delivery makes it obvious enough for the reader. I also really like the subtle noises they make, like their gasping, whimpering and breathing, which are often barely heard unless you’re listening closely. Just the noises are stupidly well executed and surprisingly in-character too.

Characters and Writing

Speaking of characters, the dynamic between the main characters is just perfect. I was expecting the relation between Robyn and her father to be similar to Hiccup and his in How to Train Your Dragon, but was pleasantly surprised to see otherwise. The character dynamics are mostly just sweet and wholesome with the exception of the antagonist of course. Speaking of whom, he's apathetic, but in a more reasonable way, less exaggerated than we see in a lot of other films. A lot of the characters are like that For the wolves, their design strikes a nice balance between terrifying, and cute, which they’re able to toggle between despite keeping their form consistent.

The writing is just how I like it. With foreshadowing that makes it somewhat predictable as to what will happen next, but it’s still terrifying or exciting when the moment of its reveal comes due to how it’s presented. It’s a movie with a more serious tone, where the only joke targeted specifically towards the audience is a classic Wilhelm scream. Everything else helps build the bond between the characters, which makes the movie, despite being obviously fiction, feel real. And the climax builds towards an excellent finale about the unforgivingness and impreditality that comes with nature and reality itself. A lesson as to how quickly life can change whether you are prepared for it or not. A bittersweet ending that makes your heart ache hoping that it was going to be more than this.

Conclusion?

I’ve used the words “execution” and “subtle” along with their other synonyms quite often in this review, and I think that really summarizes what makes this film so special. Everything from Hollywood features exaggeration and flamboyance to bait people in and keep them engaged. The characters have to be vocal and completely unique to have their own songs so they can sell consumers the next batch of merchandise. The trailers brag about the celebrities they casted and the cherry-picked lines from critics. For me, Wolfwalkers understands and embraces subtly, focusing on the finer details to create something that’s not as eye-catching to most, but is deeply appreciated and respected by those attentions it manages to garner. Where most films manufacture large colorful golden billboards, Wolfwalkers sends paper hand-written invitations. It’s not like I don’t like Hollywood films. After all, Pixar is still one of my favorite studios. Maybe I’m the one exaggerating here, but it isn’t for no reason. For me, Wolfwalkers is just something truly special that I needed.

The Lie(s)

You know the best part of this review? I lied. I lied about Wolfwalkers. Well, not all of it is a lie, but there are lie(s) in this article. I might have gotten them from having a different film in mind. You went through all this effort to read this review, which nearly tripled the minimum word count (by accident), only to realize that not all of it was true. And no, I’m telling you which parts of this review are modified truths or completely fabricated. For you, there’s only one way to figure out the truth. AppleTV+ offers a free 7-day trial so you can watch here. Alternatively, you could also probably view the film through less legal means, which I should not be encouraging, but am not required to oppose.

Anyways, I probably just lost my job for writing this "review". If you want to hire me, please contact me at [REDACTED].

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior 9/3/21: SHANG-CHI, CINDERELLA, WORTH, MOGUL MOWGLI, YAKUZA PRINCESS, YEAR OF THE EVERLASTING STORM, and More

There’s only one new wide release this week but I’m not gonna say this movie title five times, because it’s so freakin’ long, that I can only really say it once. But it’s a good one! There’s also so many limited releases that as always, I just couldn’t get to all of them. (Word of warning: This column was finished under the influence of Churches' excellent new record, Screen Violence.)

Marvel Studios’ second movie of 2021, SHANG-CHI AND THE LEGEND OF THE TEN RINGS (Marvel/Disney) stars Simu Liu as the “Master of Kung-Fu” from the comics, making his very first appearance in any live-action form that I know of. I have to say that I loved the comics as a kid and was truly bummed when I sold my whole collection, knowing that a lot of the great run of the comics from the ‘70s and ‘80s that have never been reprinted. That being said, this is Marvel’s first solo character introduction going all the way back to Brie Larson as Captain Marvel back in March, 2019, and before that, you’d have to go back November, 2016 for Doctor Strange, since Black Panther was introduced in Captain America: Winter Soldier.

Shang-Chi is directed by Destin Daniel Cretton, who broke onto the scene with indie films like I Am Not a Hipster and the better-received Short Term 12, which also introduced much of the world to Larson, and then the two of them made an adaptation of The Glass House. Cretton then directed Michael B. Jordan, and again, Larson, in Just Mercy for Warner Bros., which grossed $36 million in early 2020 but never quite achieved the Oscar hopes some were expecting. Still, all that work with Larson paid off, because it got him a meeting with Kevin Feige and Marvel for him to pitch this.

Granted, Simu Liu is a bit of an unknown quantity, having not made too many movies and being best known for the sitcom, Kim’s Convenience. On the other hand, his co-star Awkwafina has been building quite an impressive career from her roles in the 2018 hits, Crazy Rich Asians and Ocean’s 8, plus her starring role in the indie, The Farewell, for which she won a Golden Globe (but really should have gotten an Oscar nomination). She’s taken that success to put it into her Comedy Central show, Nora from Queens, while also providing her voice for lots of animated movies, including this year’s Disney animated movie, Raya and the Last Dragon. Most who have seen the movie early have mentioned that her comic chemistry with Lu has stolen the movie and oddly, her “best friend” character Katy seems to be heading towards a larger part in the MCU.

If we look at movies based around characters who received solo films before appearing anywhere else in the MCU, we get the aforementioned Captain Marvel movie, which had an insane $153 million opening weekend, doing even better than the Distinguished Competition’s own solo female movie, Wonder Woman, even though the latter was definitely better known. Captain Marvel ended up grossing over $400 million domestic and over a billion worldwide. The Doctor Strange movie that preceded it, starring Benedict Cumberbatch, didn’t do quite well but still opened with $85 million and made $232 million domestic. A year earlier, Marvel Studios’ attempt to make Ant-Man a thing led to one of their bigger disappointments with that opening with “just” $57 million and grossing $180 million domestic. (That also cost $30 million less than Doctor Strange and $45 million less than Captain Marvel, but when you get to those budgets over $100 million, every dollar counts to making back that budget.)

As with many MCU movies, Shang-Chi has been receiving rave reviews with a strong 92% on Rotten Tomatoes from over 140 reviews (at this writing). My review of this is over at Below the Line, and I loved it, too. The big selling point for Shang-Chi is that like Black Panther was to African-Americans, this character is to Asian-Americans, being able to see the first Marvel movie starring an Asian-American, as well as a mostly Asian cast that includes the great Tony Leung and Michelle Yeoh (who also starred in Crazy Rich Asians).

There are a few factors to bear in mind, and not just the COVID Delta variant one that we’ve been hearing so much about -- there’s no denying that things are getting worse, and hopefully this can be quelled before there’s another shutdown. This weekend is the four-day weekend with Labor Day on Monday, which has never been a great weekend at the movies, partially because schools have either started or are about to start and people just stop going to movies, despite there having been plenty of early September hits like Warner Bros’ It. September is definitely a new month for Marvel to release a movie, but with all the delays due to COVID, it’s a good (I’m not gonna use the term “experiment) to see if Marvel really can withstand the proverbial 12-month release calendar rather than their movies needing to be released over the summer or holidays or any other month.

Unlike the recent Black Widow, which had a substantial $80 million opening, Shang-Chi is not being released simultaneously on Disney+ via Premier Access, which presumably will mean more people will have to go see the movie in theaters during its 45-day run before heading home, but the question really is “Will they?” Besides Crazy Rich Asians, which did incredibly well among non-Asians, there haven’t been a ton of movies with Asian casts that have done well just due to the fact -- I mean, look at the recent Snake Eyes from Paramount Pictures. It didn’t get nearly as good reviews, but it’s another superhero movie with a mostly Asian cast, and that community didn’t get behind it at all. Maybe we can say the same about Raya but that also was released much earlier in the pandemic.

With that in mind, I do think Shang-Chi is good for a four-day opening between $53 million and $57 million, although I don’t think we can expect this to have the same impact as a Marvel movie with a well-known character or actor in the lead.

This weekend’s four-day box office should look something like this:

1. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (Marvel/Disney) - $55.6 million N/A

2. Candyman (Universal) - $13.2 million -40%

3. Free Guy (20th Century/Disney) - $11 million -16%

4. Paw Patrol: The Movie (Paramount) - $7 million +6%

5. Jungle Cruise (Walt Disney Pictures) - $4.5 million -10%

6. Don’t Breathe 2 (Sony/Screen Gems) - $2 million -30%

7. Respect (MGM) - $1.8 million -20%

8. The Suicide Squad (Warner Bros.) - $1.3 million -35%

9. The Protégé (Lionsgate) - $1.4 million -43%

10. The Night House (Searchlight) - $800k -39%

Hitting Amazon Prime Video on Friday (as well as select theaters in New York and L.A.) is Kay Cannon’s musical CINDERELLA (Amazon), which was originally going to be released theatrically by Sony Pictures in January, but it then became one of the first movies to have its production be shut down by COVID, so everything was delayed, and then Sony just decided to sell it off to Amazon, but considering everything going on, that may have been the wise choice, since I have a feeling more people will see this on Amazon then would have gone out to theaters with COVID, school starting, etc. Either way, you can read my interview with Kay Cannon over at Below the Line.

The movie stars pop star Camila Cabello In the title role of the musical was the brainchild of James Corden, who is no stranger to musicals. In fact, he seems to appear in almost every single one, or is that me? The nice thing is that you already know the story, as that hasn’t changed much, although Cannon definitely gives it a more modern spin in terms of Ella being far more feisty and a truly modern woman despite living in times where women aren’t allowed to do their own thing. Ella wants to be a designer, and she’s already making progress as she sews beautiful dresses in the basement where she’s kept by her stepmother (Idina Menzel) and taunted by her stepsisters (Maddie Baillio and Charlotte Spencer). One day, she meets the Prince Robert (Nicholas Galzitine) in the woods and has such an effect on him that he decides to hold a ball and invite all the women in the land in order to find a princess.

Like I said, pretty much the same story that we’ve seen in so many adaptations and quite a few musicals, and really, what probably will stand out more than anything is how talented Cabello is, considering that this is her first acting role in a major feature, and she kills it. I wouldn’t say that I love all the song choices, but I did love most of the arrangements, and there are so many great standout moments like “Shining Star” performed by Billy Porter as Cinderella’s “Fab G” (replacing and gender-switching her Fairy Godmother) and Menzel’s performance of her own song she wrote for the movie is a definite showstopper.

Obviously, casting the likes of Menzel and Porter means you have a couple ringers, but Minnie Driver is also great and even Pierce Brosnan kind of makes up for his horrific singing performance in Mamma Mia! This time, he gets something more in his range. And James Corden is in it, but it's such a small role that even those who truly hate him don't have enough time to do so.

It’s probably a cliché to say that this Cinderella won’t be for everyone, and I’m sure many critics had their knives out for it sight unseen. Personally, I know tons of fans of musicals and movies like Into the Woods, and yes, the Pitch Perfect movies, who will really enjoy what Kay Cannon and her talented cast and crew have done with the story. Kay Cannon’s Cinderella is a movie that’s more about fun entertainment than anything particularly cerebral, and in days like these, maybe that’s all that is needed sometimes.

There's a ton of other interesting indie films out this week… some of them are even good!

A movie that many (hopefully) will view with interest is Bassam Tariq’s MOGUL MOWGLI (Strand Releasing), co-written by and starring Riz Ahmed, which premiered all the way back at the Berlin Film Festival in February 2020. Besides it being of interest due to Ahmed’s presence, Tariq is also rumored to be directing the new Blade movie for Marvel Studios, starring Mahershala Ali, so many will (hopefully) be checking out this movie for that reason alone. (It certainly grabbed my interest.)

In the movie, Ahmed plays Zaheer who raps under the pseudonym of Zed, but he’s a Pakistani living in London at odds with his parents and the Muslim traditions put upon him. Just as he’s about to go on a major tour that could give his career a much-needed push, he suddenly loses the ability to walk and is diagnosed with a muscular disease that will involve stem cell therapy.

Okay, yes, this is another movie involving Ahmed as a performer who is hit by a debilitating condition much like his Oscar-nominated turn in Sound of Metal, but this is a very different movie that also deals with culture and religion and other things that just had much of an impact on me. Zaheer is told by his doctor that after the procedure, he would be unable to have kids, so he should freeze his sperm, and there’s a scene that I personally experienced when I was told the same before my stem cell transplant.

As much as this is very much a family drama, there’s also an interesting almost horror element to Mogul Mowgli as Zameer is constantly being plagued by hallucinations and nightmares, but there’s also some light humor in the fact that his main competition, another Pakistani rapper named “RPG,” is a bit of an idiot. But this really is Ahmed’s show, and heck, I might go so far to say that I think Ahmed’s performance in this movie is even better than his performance in Sound of Metal if you can believe that.

Mogul Mowgli proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that Riz Ahmed’s Oscar nomination was no fluke. He is clearly one of the best actors we have today, and he also shows that lacking the right material, he’s just going to write his own. It's opening at New York's Film Forum on Friday, and I'm not sure where else.

Brazilian filmmaker Vicente Amorim’s action-thriller YAKUZA PRINCESS (Magnet) -- which has played a couple recent genre festivals like Fantasia in Montreal -- really should be my kind of movie. Based on the Manga of the same name, it’s set in Sao Paulo, Brazil, where I used to live as a kid, believe it or not, but it’s also one of the largest Japanese communities outside Japan. In this environment comes newcomer Masumi as Akemi, who was orphaned as a child and left in Sao Paulo, but she later learns she’s the heiress to the Yakuza crime syndicate. She ends up meeting a badly scarred-up stranger with amnesia (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) who believes an ancient katana sword might bind their fates.

Like I said, this should be my kind of movie, because I love Yakuza films and crime films set in the world of Japanese crime, and as I said, I lived in Brazil, so that country still hold a place in my heart. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot of amazing Yakuza films from the great Takashi Miike, and this one is just so erratic in terms of pacing and tone that it really took me quite some time to really get into it.

Unfortunately, this movie at its core feels like another Kill Bill wannabe where Amorim relies so much on being super-stylish and throwing in lots of fast editing to make up for the lack of originality or any real substance.

The writing in the movie isn’t great, at least at first, but it’s also far too obvious how new and green Masumi is as an actor, because she delivers her lines and swordplay with very little charisma, and Rhys Meyers isn’t much better. In fact, the film’s best parts are the ones in Japanese, but that’s in the second half where the movie slows down considerably. There is the expected amount of gory swordplay and people being shot in the head, but there’s also way too much unnecessary exposition, much of it in bad English.

There’s just no way around that this is a movie that tries to jump on a genre bandwagon that has been handled so much better by Japanese filmmakers, while this just fails to keep the viewer interested beyond its soundtrack and the score by Lucas Marcier and Fabiano Krieger, which is pretty fantastic. Sure, it’s pretty violent and gory, but at times, it relies too much on viewers really only being on board for that. Other times, it feels like a patchwork of elements that don’t necessarily work together but also feels so derivative of so many better films.

Essentially, Yakuza Princess is yet another overly stylish action movie that’s better when everyone is fighting rather than talking. I had a hard time staying interested, and I’m not sure if that would have been exacerbated if I saw this on the big screen vs. a screener. Unfortunately, you'll only get to see on the big screen in certain regions, because it's mainly being released VOD.

Hitting Netflix on Friday after a week at New York’s Paris Theater is Sara Colangelo’s drama WORTH (Netflix), starring Michael Keaton, Stanley Tucci, and Amy Ryan, which premiered all the way back in January 2020 at the Sundance Film Festival. In the movie, Keaton plays Kenneth Feinberg, an opera loving lawyer and college professor who is commissioned to start the 9/11 Victim Compensation Fund, which has to come up with the amount of money that the families of those who died in the terrorist attacks will receive.

As you can probably expect, this movie is a laugh a minute… no, I’m kidding, this is a well-written and acted, but also often rather dry drama that’s about a serous topic, but it also feels like it comes so late after 9/11 that it doesn’t feel as relevant anymore, even with the anniversary coming up soon.

The movie is very much a spotlight for Keaton, who sports a heavy Massachusetts accent but still delivers a solid performance as the man with the unenviable task of trying to calculate the payouts for the people who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks. But Keaton doesn’t just deliver himself, he also brings out the best from everyone else in the cast, not too surprising from Ryan or Tucci, but there are also lots of pleasant surprises, including Shunori Ramathan and some of the actors playing the people who lost family members.

More than anything else, the movie is very much about the excellent script by Max Borenstein (who mostly has written a bunch of Godzilla and King Kong movies, oddly enough), and in that sense, it reminds me of Tom McCarthy’s Spotlight or the recent The Report, which are both solid movies but also very dialogue-driven ensemble dramas. Colangelo does a fine job with the film's pacing, which much have been a difficult task.

The only real problem with Worth is that it's so filled with crying and drama it's pretty hard to take for two hours straight. Basically, it’s one of those very good movies that you really have to be in the right headspace to get through it.

Michelle Civata's THE GATEWAY (Lionsgate) is a crime-thriller set in rural St. Louis with Shea Whigham playing Parker, a social worker who is trying to protect his client, a single mother (Olivia Munn) with a young daughter, whose husband was just paroled from jail with a drugdealer (Frank Grillo) trying to get him back on the payroll.

I wasn't sure about this one at least as it started, even with such a solid cast, which includes Bruce Dern as Park's estranged father, and it certainly started out a bit erratic with some scenes and characters working better than others. What works in the movie's favor is Whigham is such a good actor who rarely gets juicy roles like this one where he can be at the center of the story, and The Gateway shows that maybe this shouldn't be.

Despite a woman as director and co-writer, the whole thing comes off as fairly macho, clearly influenced by filmmakers like Scorses, but the fact that there's heart and real characters at the center of the movie that doesn't offer some degree of action -- gunfights, car chases and such -- does make The Gateway far better than it could have been.

Unfortunately, things start to fall a bit in the last act, although there are some great scenes between Whigham and Dern, and I generally like what the movie is trying to say about family. Because of that, The Gateway ends up being a decent indie crime thriller that doesn't veer too far from others but gives Wigham a long-deserved leading role to show his stuff.

The Gateway will open in select theaters, and be available via Apple TV and other digital platforms Friday and then be available on DVD and Blu-ray on Tuesday, September 7.

Sean King O’Grady’s thriller WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING (IFC Midnight) stars Sierra McCormick as teenager Melissa, who ends up trapped with her family in a house after trying to shelter from a storm… and boy, did this movie remind me of this awful recent movie called John and the Hole that IFC released last month. And this one really isn’t much better, despite starring great actors like Vinessa Shaw and Pat Healy.

Honestly, I have no idea why anyone would read the script by Max Booth III (based on his own novella, no less) and think, “Boy, this would make an interesting movie,” but this is the age we live in where everyone is trying to make something cool and woke for the kiddies, and in this case that comes in the form of Melissa’s goth girlfriend Amy (Lisette Alexis) who shows up (in flashback) as so that they can do some incantations which may be causing all the weirdness. It’s as if the filmmakers thought that throwing in a bit of The Craft might save it.

I probably was most disappointed by Healy, since I’m such a fan of his work, but he isn’t given much to do except rant and rave and yell a lot, and he really comes off like an asshole, which is not a great look for him.

O’Grady throws all sorts of things at the family like a not particularly scary stupid looking rattlesnake that has them screaming horribly and some kind of… werewolf or something? (I don’t know ‘cause we never see it. We just see its tongue which Melissa rips out.) Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen worse acting, which just makes the family even more annoying.

With a really stupid premise that is barely able to carry a movie, if you’re gonna call your movie We Need to Do Something, then for EFF’s sake, DO SOMETHING! Man, this movie frustrated the hell out of me.

Also out on Friday is the anthology film, YEAR OF THE EVERLASTING STORM (NEON), which features an amazing roster of filmmakers, including David Lowery, director of the recent The Green Knight, Jafar Panahi, Anthony Chen, Laura Poitras (CITIZEN4), Apichatpong Weerasethakul, and others, taking a semi-documentary approach to share their thoughts on living in a pandemic… I watched the Panahi and Chen segments but never got to the rest, but if I do, I'll add my thoughts on the film as a whole when I have a chance. The movie opens at the IFC Center in New York this Friday and then in Los Angeles at the Laemlle Royal next Friday.

I wasn’t able to get to Safy Nebbou’s WHO YOU THINK I AM (Cohen Media), based on the best-selling novel from Camille Laurens, but it stars the great Juliette Binoche, a single mom and middle-aged professor who is ghosted her 20-something lover so she creates a fake Facebook profile for 24-year-old avatar named “Clara” who is friended by her ex’s roommate. This opens at the Quad Cinema in New York on Friday as well as in L.A. at the Landmark, and I hope to get to watch it soon.

Another movie I’ve been looking forward to seeing since it premiered at Sundance but just haven’t found the time is Lyle Mitchell Corbine Jr.’s WILD INDIAN (Vertical), starring the great Michael Greyeyes as a native American man who decades earlier covered up a classmate's murder, but now has to deal with a man who wants vengeance for the secret he's trying to keep as he tries to protect his wife (Kate Bosworth) and boss (Jesse Eisenberg) from that secret. Sounds pretty amazing and man, I wish I could just fit in more movies with everything I have going on right now.

Chad Michael Murray plays the title role in Daniel Farrands' TED BUNDY: AMERICAN BOOGIEMAN (Voltage/Dark Star PIctures), which hits VOD and DVD this Friday, but unlike last week's No Man of God, which deals with Bundy already in prison, it deals with Bundy still on the prowl and the law enforcement agents who eventually brought him down including detective Kathleen McChesney (Holland Roden) and rookie FBI profiler Robert Ressler (Jake Hays). I haven't had a chance to watch this yet, but it would have been nice if they released the two movies in chronological order, no?

A great doc that played at the Tribeca Festival a couple months back and will hit Showtime this Friday is Sacha Jenkins’ BITCHIN’: THE SOUND AND FURY OF RICK JAMES (Showtime), an absolutely fascinating look at the controversial funk and soul star whose catchy dance music of the '70s led to drugs and worse offenses in subsequent years. This is a fantastic doc that I wish I could watch again, but I don't have Showtime. Waugh waugh...

Others that came out this week or weekend:

AFTERLIFE OF THE PARTY (Netflix)

STEEL SONG (Gravitas Ventures)

SAVING PARADISE (Vertical)

Next week, the new horror movie from James Wan, Malignant, as well as Paul Schrader's The Card Counter, which I think might be going wide next week, too.

[coldcomputersoul]

Star and Marco’s Bogus Journey Episode 3: Waking Eclipsa

Summary: It’s a hoot and a holler when Ludo causes a major political crisis on Mewni. Meanwhile, Star is convinced that Marco is still alive and tries to convince everyone else.

Star vs. the Forces of Evil belongs to:

© Daron Nefcy

© Disney Television Animation

Sealab 2021 belongs to:

© Adam Reed & Matt Thompson

© Adult Swim

[theme song]

ACT I

[The episode starts with Ludo sitting on the royal throne all alone in the darkness. Meanwhile, a massive crowd of people bang their pots and pans in front of the castle as a form of protest. The noise is so loud that Ludo can hear it from inside the castle, causing him anxiety. Cut to three months earlier. Ludo is about to give a special announcement to the citizens of Mewni from the royal balcony, but he’s too short to reach the microphone]

Ludo:

[to the guards] Ehem... [the guards remain still] I said: EHEM!!!

Guard:

Oh, right...

[The guards bring Ludo a couple of boxes so he can reach the microphone. They also lift him up and set him in place]

Ludo:

[standing on the boxes] That’s better… [holds the microphone] Is this thing on?, okay… Citizens of Mewni: As many of you already know, today I’m speaking to you in my role as acting king due the detention and subsequent arrest of Moon Butterfly and River Johannsen, who were caught conspiring against me during a police operation. Now, although a trial date has not yet been scheduled, it is expected to take place within... two weeks at most.

[The audience starts talking among themselves]

Ludo:

However, that’s not the only reason I’ve summoned you today, you see: There have been some... rumors circulating lately regarding princess Star Butterfly that I would like to clarify… first of all: I want to confirm that princess Butterfly is indeed missing, she ran away three days ago and we still don’t know her whereabouts, however… any rumors about princess Butterfly joining a resistance group are 100% false, so I would like to ask you to stop spreading misinformation, please.

[The journalists talk among themselves]

Ludo:

Finally, I would like to announce that despite the current political crisis we’re going through right now, I have no plans to resign and cede my power to the parliament, so I’ll continue in my role as acting king until further notice...

[Ludo’s announcement causes mixed reactions among the audience]

Manfred:

[to the audience] Your majesty will answer all your questions now...

Journalist #1:

Mr. Avarius, does this means that your wedding with Star Butterfly is officially cancelled?

Ludo:

Well, me and my cabinet still didn’t discuss that possibility yet, as right now we’re too busy with some other issues that are far more important, so... I can’t give you a proper answer to that question.

Journalist #2:

Mr. Avarius, as the acting king of Mewni, what are your powers?

Ludo:

According to the law, I’m allowed to take major decisions regarding taxation, foreign policy, police reforms, and so on and so forth… however, I can’t pass new bills all by myself, nor change the constitution. Those are powers that only the parliament has.

Journalist #3:

Mr. Avarius, what will be your plan of action to solve the current unemployment crisis?

Ludo:

We’re gonna create hundreds of thousands of new jobs by spending over $9000 billion in business spending to boost our economic growth by repealing several policies of my predecessor.

Journalist #4:

Mr. Avarius, what policies of the Butterfly administration are you planning to repeal?

Ludo:

Well, for example, I’ll replace the social pensions in favor of an individual capitalization system to allow all the workers to administrate their own pension funds.

Journalist #5:

Mr. Avarius, what are your thoughts on the MPPA*? (*Mewni-Pixtopia Partnership Agreement)

Ludo:

It’s a terrible deal, just as terrible as the person who signed it AKA Moon Butterfly. I’ll renegotiate a better one and we’ll be 10 times richer, you’ll see… okay, I’m tired, no more questions...

[Ludo gets back inside the castle]

Manfred:

Your majesty, there are still some journalists outside the castle, what do you…?

Ludo:

Send in the guard dogs to get rid of them...

Manfred:

Sir, the dogs are feeling sick right now.

Ludo:

Then, just send in the guards for crying out loud!!! and tell them to use pepper spray if it’s necessary… God, I’m surrounded by idiots… I’ll be in my room.

[Ludo retires to his room to have some privacy. Cut to Janna walking to school while chewing bubble gum. Suddenly, she hears a noise coming from a bush in front of the school]

Janna:

What the…?

Star:

[from inside the bush] Psst… Janna, it’s me Star...

Janna:

Star? What are you doing here? I thought you went back to Mewni for good...

Star:

Look, it’s a long story and right now, I don’t have time to explain. I need you to tell me where’s Jackie.

Janna:

Jackie no longer study here, she is moving out...

Star:

Really? Where?

Janna:

To France...

Star:

[panicking] No, no, no ,no, no!!! this can’t be… and just when I had something SO important to tell her… Is she gone?

Janna:

Not yet, she moves out next week. so, you can visit her at her house if you like...

Star:

Great idea!

Janna:

Now, would you please tell me what are you up to? not that I care, I’m just curious...

Star:

There’s no time for that, look… [gives Janna a hand-drawn map] meet me at this place at 6pm… I have very important news to tell you, but I also need Jackie to be present, do you understand?

Janna:

Uhm, Star… [shows the crudely drawn map] this map is garbage... 

Star:

[sigh] The meeting is at the junkyard outside town, okay? there’s an abandoned 60’s van next to a pile of old tires… it’s unmistakable, trust me. 

Janna:

Got it. I’ll there at 6pm then...

Star:

Good, now if you excuse me, I have to go. Don’t tell anyone that you saw me, okay?

Janna:

Sure...

[Star uses her dimensional scissors to leave. In that moment, Hope and Leah show up]

Hope:

Hey Janna, who were you talking to?

Janna:

Uhm, I was… talking to this magical talking bush? [beat]

Leah:

Really?

Janna:

Yeah...

Hope:

Ooh, that sounds like fun, I want to talk to him too… [talks to the bush] hey there fella… [beat] oh, I think he doesn’t like me.

Janna:

Don’t be silly Hope... he’s just being shy...

Hope:

Oh, that’s so cute.

Janna:

Whatever...

[Cut to Hekapoo (still frozen in a crystal) inside the dungeon. In that moment, a mysterious shadow wanders around the hallways and unfreezes Hekapoo]

Hekapoo:

WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I’LL…!!! Huh? Where am I?

Rhombulus:

[o.s] Inside the dungeon, I just unfroze you...

Hekapoo:

That voice...

[The mysterious shadow reveals itself as Rhombulus]

Hekapoo:

Rhombulus?! What the hell is going on?! Why am I in the dungeon?! What happened to Ludo?!

Rhombulus:

Take it easy Hekapoo, I’ll explain you everything, but first to need to calm down...

[Hekapoo takes a deep breath and calms down]

Hekapoo:

Okay, I’m cool now… would you please explain to me what in heaven’s name is going on?

Rhombulus:

Right… so after I froze you...

Hekapoo:

Wait… you were the one who froze me?!!! you damn traitor...!!!

Rhombulus:

[covering himself] Hekapoo please, let me explain to you, I swear it’s not what you think...

Hekapoo:

[sigh] Fine, I’ll listen to you… [crosses her arms] proceed.

Rhombulus:

Right… so after I froze you, Ludo promoted me to do your job, but that’s not the important part… like… Queen Moon and King River were caught trying to hire a hitman to kill Ludo, so they’re no longer in charge… and...

Hekapoo:

What?! When did that happen?!

Rhombulus:

Five days ago, but wait: I’m not done yet.

Hekapoo:

Wait, there’s more?!

Rhombulus:

Yes, because two days after the king and queen’s arrest, princess Butterfly ran away from the castle and no one knows where she is...

Hekapoo:

My God, you know what this means? Ludo has unlimited power now...

Rhombulus:

Not exactly, he’s still being limited by the parliament, but it’s only a matter of time before he finds out that he can remove people if he wants to.

Hekapoo:

You’re right, we gotta act quick if we want to stop him… I’ll just open a portal and...

Rhombulus:

Don’t do that!!! after princess Butterfly escaped from the castle, every dimensional portal is being guarded by the secret police… that’s one of the faculties Ludo gave them in order to maintain order.

Hekapoo:

So, what’s the big idea then?

Rhombulus:

Listen, at the end of this hallway, there’s a secret exit on the bottom right side of the wall, just push the big blue stone and you’ll enter into an abandoned corridor that will lead you outside the castle… once you’re outside, you head right into... [censor beep sound] that’s where the resistance is forming...

Hekapoo:

Wait, are you talking about... [censor beep sound] like, the… [censor beep sound]

Rhombulus:

Exactly, now hurry up, there’s no time to lose… [starts punching himself]

Hekapoo:

[raising an eyebrow] What are you doing?

Rhombulus:

I’m hurting myself in order to make it look like I put up a fight to stop you… [keeps punching himself]

Hekapoo:

Oh, you don’t have to do that… here, let me do it for you...

[Hekapoo starts beating Rhombulus]

Rhombulus:

[lying on the floor] Ouch! ouch! okay… I think that’s enough Hekapoo.. ouch! ouch! wait… please… that really hurts… Aaargh! have mercy… oh God… Aaaaah! [Hekapoo stops]

Hekapoo:

There you go, now it really looks like you put up a fight.

Rhombulus:

[writing in pain] Thank you Hekapoo… aargh!... you’re the best...

[Hekapoo runs away from the dungeon, but suddenly, she hears a familiar voice coming from one of the doors]

Queen Moon:

Hekapoo, is that you?

Hekapoo:

Your majesty, it’s me Hekapoo… are you okay?

Queen Moon:

Yeah, so far River and I are just being locked up, but how about you? do you have a plan?

Hekapoo:

Rhombulus told me the exact place where the resistance is forming, I’m planning to join them. Do you want me to get you out?

Queen Moon:

No, that won’t be necessary, we’ll be okay, however… I want you to do me a favor.

Hekapoo:

What do you want from me?

Queen Moon:

If you find Star… [takes a deep breath] I want you to promise me that no matter what, you will protect her from anyone who tries to hurt her… I know I’m asking you too much and you have to look out for for yourself too, but… Star is my only daughter and I don’t know what would I do if something happens to her, so please… take care of Star...

[Hekapoo simply smiles at her]

Hekapoo:

Don’t worry, your majesty, I won’t let you down...

Queen Moon:

Please, just call me Moon, at this point I’m not a queen anymore.

Hekapoo:

Whatever you say… Moon...

[Both women smile at each other. In that moment, Hekapoo hears some steps coming her way]

Hekapoo:

Oh crap, here comes one of the guards… [runs away] wish me luck Moon...

Queen Moon:

I’ll do it...

[Cut to Jackie carrying a box that says: “memories” and putting it in the trunk of a car. She notices that next to the box is a red belt that makes her think of Marco for a moment, then she takes a deep breath and keeps her way, but suddenly...]

Star:

[right behind Jackie] Jackie...

[Jackie gets startled and falls to the ground]

Jackie:

Star? what are you doing here?

Star:

There’s no time to explain, I need you to… [notices the red belt] Oh my… [takes the red belt] this used to belong to Marco, isn’t it? I remember he worked so hard to earn it... [her eyes get teary]

Jackie:

[standing up] Star, what’s going on?

Star:

[wiping her tears] Right... I want to tell you something very important...

Jackie:

What is it? I’m all ears...

Star:

But not here, I want you to meet me at the junkyard outside town at 6pm. Janna will be there too...

Jackie:

Wait… 6pm? but Star, right now I’m a little busy, you see… my mother took a new job and...

Star:

...and you’ll move out to France. Yeah I know, Janna told me about it, but please Jackie: This is very, VERY important and I need to know that I count on you to be there... [gets on her knees] pleeease...

[Jackie watches Star getting on her knees and thinks about it]

Jackie:

Okay Star, I’ll be there...

Star:

[hugging Jackie] Oh, thank you so much Jackie, it means so much to me to know that I can always count on you.

Jackie:

[hugging her back] That’s what friends are for...

Star:

Okay, I gotta go now… see you at the junkyard...

Jackie:

But Star, before you go, don’t you wanna talk about…?

[In that moment, Jackie’s mom shows up (her face is still unseen)]

Jackie’s Mom:

Jackie...

Jackie:

Yes mom?

Jackie’s Mom:

It’s getting late, did you pack your things in the car? 

Jackie:

Oh yeah, I did it, I was just talking with my friend right… [she turns her head but Star is now gone] here...

Jackie’s Mom:

Jackie, is something wrong?

Jackie:

Nevermind. I’ll just go upstairs for my skateboard.

[Jackie gets inside the house. Cut to Ludo practicing magic spells in his room]

Ludo:

[holding the wand] [taking a deep breath] Okay, one more time: Mega Narwhal Blast!!!

[A couple of sick narwhals come out of the wand and fall on the floor]

Ludo:

[throwing the wand] YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! F***ING WAND!!! I just don’t understand what am I doing wrong… God, this pisses me off!!!

[In that moment, Manfred shows up]

Manfred:

[opening the door] Your majesty...

Ludo:

What are you doing? I thought I told you to never interrupt me while I’m alone in my room, you sicko.

Manfred:

But your majesty, this is an urgent matter...

Ludo:

And so is my privacy, have you ever stopped to think about that?

Manfred:

But, your majesty...

Ludo:

[mocking him] But your majesty… shut the f*** up you irritating idiot, don’t you see I’m…?

[One of the guards show up in the room]

Guard:

Your majesty, there are riots in the street right now...

Ludo:

What? Why didn’t you tell me before?!!! ugh, you people are so incompetent.

[Ludo runs to the meeting room along with the guard. Manfred just watches him leave with utter disgust]

Ludo:

[talking to the guards] Okay, I want you to tell me what the hell is going on right now.

Guard #1:

Well, you see… it all started with an old man arguing with a police officer, but then...

Guard #2:

Then the officer did something that… well, see it for yourself:

[A couple of guards bring a TV screen to the meeting room, then one of them uses a remote control to turn it on]

News Anchor:

...after being shot in a drive by shooting, Mewni’s state hospital finally confirmed the death of Blinky the clown at 4pm eastern time… in other news: Mewni lived a massive riot at Polybius Square after an elder man was brutally beaten by a police officer. Our field reporter, Tyrone Maggotbone is on the scene: How is everything over there Tyrone?

Tyrone:

[in front of a riot] Jeff, this is without a doubt one of the most unprecedented riots I’ve ever seen in my life. Hundreds of thousands of Mewmans are fighting against the police without an inch of fear… it’s like, these are levels of violence that we’ve never seen among mewmans before, I mean, look at this… [the camera shows a group of policemen kicking an old lady on the floor] are you getting this? Jesus Christ, that’s violent.

News Anchor:

Any idea of how this conflict escalated so quickly?

Tyrone:

Well, luckily for us, someone recorded the entire conflict that started this protest on his phone, I’ll send it to you so… there you go.

[The video shows an old man holding a sign that says “bring back social pensions” and a police officer approaches him asking him to leave, but they start a heated discussion which ends with the police officer banging the old man’s head with his stick, causing the outrage of everyone among the crowd]

Tyrone:

Now, I don’t know how this is going to end for the citizens of Mewni, but one thing’s for sure: This is an incident that people will never forget...

[The TV turns off]

Guard #1:

So, what are you gonna do about…?

Ludo:

Tear gas.

Guard #1:

Wait, what?

Ludo:

I want you to stop the riots using tear gas.

Guard #2:

But your majesty, don’t you think you should…

[Ludo pulls out a gun and shoots him in the leg]

Ludo:

What was that? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were questioning my authority for a moment. Anyway, use tear gas on every person who dares to even hold a sign, no exceptions. Do I make myself clear?

Guards #1 & #3:

Yes sir...

[The guards take their injured co-worker to the hospital]

Ludo:

[thinking to himself] The people of this country think they can make fun of me, huh? well, the joke’s on them because this is just getting started.

ACT II

[Cut to Jackie heading towards the junkyard on her skateboard. Once she gets there, she sees Janna along with Marco’s parents, Sensei Brantley, Gustav, the Morrisons, Alfonzo and Ferguson]

Jackie:

[fist bumping with Janna] Hey Janna...

Janna:

[chewing bubblegum] Hey Jackie...

Jackie:

Could you please tell me what’s going on?

Janna:

Well, you’re asking the wrong person, because I’m just as clueless you right now...

Sensei Brantley:

Hey, I was told that we would get free candy. I want my free candy.

Gustav:

This better be good. I missed my cooking class for coming here.

Alfonzo:

Hey look, it’s Star...

[Star suddenly appears from behind the van]

Mr. Diaz:

Star, what’s the meaning of this?

Ferguson:

Yeah, why did you call us?

Star:

I’m so glad you asked that question, because the answer will certainly blow your minds… now, we all remember our dear friend Marco, right? a regular teenage boy with a lot hobbies including videogames, cooking, karate and even ballet… yes, he was great dude with a lot of potential, but sadly on a dark turn of events he sacrificed himself in the name of the greater good.  But… what if he didn’t really die and he’s more alive than ever before?

Janna:

[raising her hand] Uhm, excuse me, but… what the hell are you talking about?

Star:

That’s a very good question Janna Banana… and in order to answer it, first I want to show you something in my phone that will give you a clue of what I mean… take a look:

[Star shows them a clip from Sealab 2021 (from the episode “Der Dieb”)]

Star’s Phone:

Murphy: Now who's ready to beat some ass?

Marco: [steps forward and kneels] I'm in.

Murphy: I dub thee... [knights Marco with the bat] Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass. Be a hitter, babe.

Stormy: Hey!  I wanna be a Martian Knight...

[Marco steps over to Stormy, now brandishing a bat]

Stormy: ...with... you guys? Maybe... get... one of them bats?

[Marco hauls off and knocks Stormy in the crotch with the bat; Stormy falls to the floor]

Debbie: Oh my God!

Quinn: What are you doing?

Murphy: Silence! I am enforcing the sacred law of the Red Planet.

Sparks: It's not 'Martian' law. It's-

Murphy: [to Marco] Sir Phobos?

[Marco walks over to Sparks, offscreen. We see the bat flying around and hear lots of thumps and Sparks' cries]

Sparks: [off-screen] Oww!!! My hand!!! You crushed my hand!!!

Mrs. Morrison:

Is this a joke?!

Mr. Diaz:

Star, you better have a good explanation for this!

Star:

Don’t you get it?! [points at her phone] This right here is Marco, OUR Marco. He’s trapped on another dimension and we gotta get him back.

Janna:

[giving her a pat on the back] Okay Star, with all due respect, I think you need some help, because you’re clearly out of your mind...

Star:

I’M NOT CRAZY!!! Marco is still alive and this is the proof...

Jackie:

But Star, that’s just a TV show. Just because there’s a character that shares the same name as Marco doesn’t mean they’re the same person.

Star:

But it’s not just the name. They have the same hobbies, the same personality traits, the same haircut... how can you not see it?

Gustav:

[standing up] Alright, I have enough of this… I’m leaving now...

Mr. Morrison:

Yeah, we’re leaving too...

[Everyone starts leaving]

Star:

Hey, where are you going? don’t leave me here all alone. We gotta get Marco back!!!

Janna:

Listen Star, if you want my advice: Get a good psychologist. For your own good.

Star:

But I know I’m telling the truth. Jackie, please: Tell everyone that I’m not crazy.

Jackie:

[scratching her head] Eh… well… maybe this time you should listen to Janna...

Star:

[shocked] But jackie… I thought you were my friend...

Jackie:

I am your friend Star, that’s why I think you should get some help. You can’t live the rest of your life in denial. Marco is gone, and he will never come back, and if you keep lying to yourself like this… well, let’s just say you’ll end up hurting everyone else around you… please Star… Star?

[Star stares at the floor in complete silence]

Star:

[whispering] Get out...

Janna:

What did you just say?

Star:

[screaming] Get out!!! All of you!!! Now!!!

Jackie:

But Star, we’re your friends...

Star:

I don’t have any friends here… leave me alone!!!

[Star turns away and hides inside the van. Jackie tries to follow her, but Janna stops her]

Janna:

Jackie don’t… that’s not a good idea.

Jackie:

but, I can’t help myself Janna. She looks so vulnerable.

Janna:

Yeah, but I know she’ll get over it one day. She just needs some time alone to mourn Marco, that’s all.

Jackie:

[sigh] You’re right. it’s not up to us.

Janna:

Come on, let’s go. We’ll be back tomorrow...

[Jackie and Janna leave the junkyard. Cut to Ludo having a meeting with the parliament and the Magic High Commision. He just walks around in circles over the table while rubbing his chin]

Ludo:

So, let me get this straight: You were at the dungeon looking out the prisoners, right?

Rhombulus:

[looking down] Right...

Ludo:

...and just when you went to check Hekapoo’s cell, you noticed she was gone, right?

Rhombulus:

Yes.

Ludo:

So, the attack was before of after you noticed she was gone, or...?

Guy #1:

Your majesty please, with all due respect: Don’t you think we should be discussing about more important issues? [covering himself] please don’t shoot me...

Ludo:

This is important you nincompoop, a highly dangerous prisoner escaped from the dungeon and I need to know every detail about it to evaluate what kind of security measures should I implement in the future. Stupid bureaucrat.

Guy #2:

Excuse me your majesty, but… what my colleague over here meant by “more important issues” was to talk about the overall discontent of our citizens.

Ludo:

What’s the big deal? I thought you already took care of them. Did you use tear gas to disperse the protesters like I told you to do?

Guy #3:

That’s not the point your majesty. The people reject the entire new system. According to our last poll, your approval rating is only 3%. Queen Moon’s approval was 30% at worst.

Ludo:

Meh, who cares about that? polls are misleading anyway… the people need some time to get used to the new system, that’s all… besides, I’m sure the economy is doing just fine.

Guy #4:

Eh, not exactly...

Ludo:

What? But how can this be? my economic plan was flawless. Explain yourself...

Guy #4:

Well, aside from the fact that nobody has been able to adapt to the new pension system, or the spending cuts you did on education that left several teachers unemployed, the unions are calling for massive strikes due the low wages and unfair contract terms.

Ludo:

Those filthy smurfs!!! [snaps his fingers] Okay, I got it: From now on, unions are forbidden and every person who joins or tries to create one will be punished by DEATH!!!

Guy #3:

But your majesty, that’s against the constitution.

Ludo:

Well, change the damn thing for f***’s sake!!! I’m just trying to solve the problem.

Guy #1:

Your majesty, don’t you think it would be easier if you just apply more sanctions to big companies so they are forced to provide better work conditions to their employees?

Ludo:

Are you nuts?! That will make me look weak and pathetic. We’ll boost the economy by raising tariffs on imported goods instead.

Guy #5:

Uhm, yeah… [scratches his head] speaking of which: The Pixie Empress called this morning to complain about the the changes you made at the MPPA, and...

Guy #2:

We told her it was non-negotiable, so she withdrew from it, and now we lost our main phone service provider.

Ludo:

Ugh, that tinkerslut!!! that’s it, we’re going to war!!!

Guy #4:

Are you insane? that will cost us trillions!!!

Guy #3:

Not to mention their army is like: TEN times bigger than ours. They will pulverize our soldiers.

Ludo:

Look, I’m perfectly aware how hard must be for you that some of our good men will probably die during this bloody conflict… but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make for this country.

Guy #1:

We won’t let you!!!

Ludo:

[getting angry] Are you questioning my authority as king?!!! I can get you killed for your lack of respect, you know...

Guy #4:

[standing up] Your majesty, please try to be more reasonable. We’re doing our best to come up with a solution to all these problems and you just keep treating us like garbage.

Ludo:

Well, maybe it’s because you’re garbage. I mean, look at this mess. This country is falling apart and I can’t do anything about it because my hands are tied by YOU!!!

Guy #4:

You can’t blame us for your failed policies!!!

Ludo:

Why not? You’re the ones who are keeping me from making the changes this country needs.

Guy #4:

[groaning loudly] Jesus F***ing Christ!!! this is SO pointless, it’s like talking to a child!!! [stands up] that’s it: I’m out of here… [walks away]

Ludo:

HEY!!! GET BACK HERE!!! WE’RE NOT DONE YET!!!

[Everyone else starts leaving as well, including the Magic High Commission]

Ludo:

Oh yeah?!!! fine… I don’t need you to run this country!!! I can do it on my own!!! [he is now all alone at the meeting room] God, being king is frustrating!!! I wish I could have someone to teach me...

[In that moment, Miss Heinous quietly sticks her head in the door]

Miss Heinous:

Uhm, excuse me… Is this the meeting room?

Ludo:

Who the hell are you?! How did you get here?!

Miss Heinous:

Well, I told the guards that I had an appointment and he just let me in...

Ludo:

Ugh, note-to-self: Fire all the guards and replace them with robots.

Miss Heinous:

Look, I understand that you’re busy guy and don’t like to be interrupted, but… if you just give us a minute to talk with you, we would like to make you an offer you might find interesting.

Ludo:

Wait… us? I thought you were alone.

Miss Heinous:

Oh, right… silly me...

[Miss Heinous opens the door and reveals she’s with her minions Gemini and Rasticore]

Miss Heinous:

Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Olga Heinous and these are my personal assistants Gemini and Rasticore. say hello boys. [they make a reverence] I’m the former headmistress of St. Olga’s Reform School for Wayward Princesses. I have my CV right here if you wanna verify for yourself...

Ludo:

School? Oh, I get it. You’re here to complain about the education cuts, [sigh] listen lady: I don’t know who do you think you are, but let me be clear on this: I’m not gonna change my policies. End of story.

Miss Heinous:

No, wait… I’m not here to complain at all, on the contrary: I would personally like to thank you for your excellent job regarding domestic policy.

Ludo:

Domestic policy? What are you talking about? there are still riots on the streets.

Miss Heinous:

Yeah, I know, however: If it weren’t for your police reforms, the situation would be ten times worse.

Ludo:

Finally someone who gets it.

Miss Heinous:

However, while I do think your policies are good, they’re far from being perfect, and that’s why I’m here, your majesty… [makes a reverence] to work with you.

Ludo:

[raising an eyebrow] You are?

Miss Heinous:

Of course, you see: Before I got kicked out from my own school, my crew and I created a new kind of educational system that not only was capable to break our students on the outside, but on the inside too. A prison for the mind if you will. However, one day a princess called Turdina came out of the blue and destroyed my entire job… [has flashbacks of Princess Turdina] All of a sudden, my students became free-thinking rebels: Wild, unpredictable, incapable of being disciplined. Somehow, their minds were no longer mine to control them. All thanks to that one princess...

Ludo:

That’s terrible.

Miss Heinous:

After I lost my school, my job, my reputation, there was nowhere for me to go, in fact: To this day I still live in my car and the only company I have are my dear Rasticore... [gives him a pat on the head] and this deformed freak over here… [points at Gemini]

Gemini:

Hello...

Ludo:

Well, that’s a cute little story and all, but I still don’t understand why should I let you help me.

Miss Heinous:

Wait, I’m not done yet, you see... [has flashbacks of her reading several books] once I lost everything, I spent several weeks analyzing my failure. Day after day I read every book about mind control and discipline to figure out what I did wrong, but after months of pointless research I came to a realization: Maybe, it’s not about take away their freedom, but rather make them believe they have freedom...

Ludo:

Wow, I… never thought about that...

Miss Heinous:

So, what do you say? Let me be your political adviser, and I promise you’ll become the most popular ruler on Mewni since Queen Festivia.

Ludo:

Do I have to become a nice person?

Miss Heinous:

Nope, you can still be as much of a douche as you please.

Ludo:

Well, in that case welcome aboard Miss Heinous. [shakes her hand] I’m sure it will be a pleasure to work with you.

Miss Heinous:

On the contrary your majesty: The pleasure is all mine.

[Cut to Hekapoo arriving at some unknown location (that looks like hell) where a crowd of mewmans and monsters gather around. In that moment, she finds Kelly and Pony Head among the crowd]

Hekapoo:

Kelly? Pony Head? Is that you?

Kelly:

Hekapoo? Oh, thank goodness you’re okay. We thought you were dead.

Hekapoo:

Where’s princess Butterfly?

Pony Head:

[to Kelly] Don’t tell her anything!!! remember that she works for the government and will probably rat us out if we speak.

[Hekapoo and Kelly just look at her with an scornful facial expression]

Pony Head:

[feeling awkward] Eh… I mean… just kidding… come on, can’t you take little joke? he-he...

Hekapoo:

As I was saying: Do you know where she is?

Kelly:

I have no idea, but one thing’s for sure: You won’t find her in this dimension.

Hekapoo:

Wait, how do you know that?

Kelly:

Because we are the ones who helped her in her escape.

Hekapoo:

Really? wow, it must have been difficult for you, I mean with all the guards around watching the place and stuff...

Kelly:

Oh, you have no idea, like… first we had to sneak into the castle while avoiding the watchdogs, at first we tried to climb our way in, but fortunately Tad found a loose stone in the wall and...

Pony Head:

After we got in, I had to take everyone to the top room where Star was with a rope tied to my neck and then Tad said something about a loose bar and blah blah blah, long story short we escaped from the castle and gave Star a pair of dimensional scissors, but that’s all we know so far, I swear...

Hekapoo:

And you don’t have any idea of where she could be, do you?

Kelly:

Unfortunately, Star didn’t tell us where she was planning to go, but I’m sure she went somewhere safe and will be okay.

Pony Head:

Yeah, I mean, it’s not like she’s hiding on Earth or something like that, because that would be really stupid and Star knows better, right? RIGHT?

[Hekapoo and Kelly look at each other very concerned]

Pony Head:

Oh my God, she’s hiding on Earth, isn’t it?

Hekapoo:

I have to go there and find her.

Kelly:

But how? All dimensional portals are being watched by him, you could reveal her location to Ludo if you do that.

Hekapoo:

But she needs someone to protect her, don’t you get it? It’s only a matter of time before he finds out and send their thugs to get her back. If only there was a way to get there without using portals, I...

Random Guy:

Shhhhh… the rally is about to start...

Hekapoo:

Rally? What rally?

[In front of the crowd there’s a stage with a demon servant ready to make an announcement]

Demon Servant:

[holding a paper] And now, your demonic majesty prince Thomas Draconius Lucitor will address you to discuss the current crisis our country is facing.

[Tom gets on stage while holding a microphone. The servant makes a final reverence and leaves]

Tom:

Thank you Frank… Now, we all know why we’re here, right? These hard times we’re living today, this whole crisis that it’s like nothing we’ve ever seen before, we must put a stop to it, but in order to do that we need organization. So, the first thing I would like to propose to all mewmans, demons and monsters is to set aside our differences and come together to face this powerful enemy that doesn’t respect anything, or anyone for that matter, I’m talking of course about Ludo Avarius.

[Everyone starts booing at the mention of Ludo’s name while holding Anti-Ludo signs]

Tom:

Yeah, yeah, I know, I hate Ludo too, but listen: If we REALLY want to take him down, we have to do the smart thing and join our forces to achieve this common goal we all have. Look, I know it hasn’t been easy for any of us, we have our differences and we all know it, but is in times like these where the will of the people is put to the test, and who knows, maybe… JUST maybe, if we’re successful, we’ll realize we have more in common than we thought. So, what do you say? Are you with me?!!!

[The crowd starts cheering at him]

Tom:

Now, that’s what I’m talking about, and with all said and done, I have great news for you: As you may know, Pixtopia just withdrew from the MPPA and shut down all their services on Mewni, however… as we’re speaking right now, a group of my best lawyers and negotiators are reuniting with the Pixie Empress to bring their magic dust to us without any interference from Ludo’s government.

[The crowd starts cheering once again]

Hekapoo:

Wait, did he just say “magic dust”? [walks among the crowd] Hey, I have a question!!!

Tom:

And last, but certainly not least: I recently spent a good amount of my fortune, two hundred four million dollars to be exact, to buy you helmets, pads and gas masks so you can get all the protection you need on the upcoming protests. Bring it on boys!!!

[Tom’s minions fly around the crowd giving helmets, pads and gas masks while the crowd cheers even louder and start singing a song with the same melody of “The Star-Spangled Banner”]

The Crowd:

♫ Ludo go f*** yourself… You are worse than the plague… We will seeeever you head and… Serve it up on a plate… ♫

Tom:

Well, that’s all for today people, and don’t forget to assist to next week’s rally at Polybius Square at 4pm. Don’t forget I count on you, so don’t let me down [winks at the crowd] See you later...

[Tom gets off the stage while the crowd keeps cheering at him. Meanwhile, Hekapoo tries to make her way to the stage. Cut to Tom at the backstage celebrating along with his life coach Brian]

Tom:

That. Was. Incredible!!! I mean, did you see the way they all cheer up for me? Ah man, this is the best day ever!!! High five!!! [he gives a high five to Brian] And all thanks to you Brian... 

Brian:

Don’t mention it master Tom, after all, it’s part of my job. [opens a bottle of soda and drinks it]

Tom:

Oh, don’t be so modest, you know I couldn’t have done this without you, so… you want me to take you to a Big Boy, or something? [gives him a pat on the back] come on, flapjacks are on me...

Brian:

Well, that sounds nice and all, but...

[In that moment, one of Tom’s minions enters the room]

Tom’s Minion:

Master Tom: You have a visit from someone who says she needs to talk with you immediately. She says it’s something important.

Tom:

Wait, did you just say “she”? let her in...

[Hekapoo enters the room escorted by Tom’s minions]

Tom:

Hey, wait a minute… you are that fire chick from the Magic High Commission… Hek-a-something…?

Hekapoo:

Hekapoo... now listen to me: You said you can get pixie dust, right? cause I need a huge favor...

ACT III

[Cut to Ludo and Miss Heinous having a private meeting at Ludo’s room. Heinous walks around in circles rubbing her chin while Ludo just watches her in silence while sitting on chair]

Ludo:

So, what do you think we should…?

Miss Heinous:

[interrupting him] Shhh… I’m thinking...

[Miss Heinous keeps walking around in circles for a while. Ludo gets tired and falls asleep]

Miss Heinous:

[shouting] I GOT IT!!!

[Ludo wakes up startled and falls off the chair]

Ludo:

[standing up] What? What? What? Where am I?

Miss Heinous:

I just came up with the perfect plan to make you popular among young people.

Ludo:

Really? And why took you so long?

Miss Heinous:

I’m sorry your majesty, but it was too much information to process in order to get it done. No offense, but you’re not exactly the nicest guy in the world.

Ludo:

[sigh] I know that, why do you think I hired you? Jeez… So, what’s the big idea?

Miss Heinous:

Okay, here’s the plan: Everyone loves a hero, right?

Ludo:

Right...

Miss Heinous:

This notion of a brave, fearless warrior facing the adversity, overcoming the obstacles that come his way in order to achieve his goals, or save the people the loves. That’s where the appeal is.

Ludo:

Okay, I think I know what you mean, but how exactly will I become a hero? I mean, just the idea of having a hand-to hand combat nice makes me wanna piss my pants.

Miss Heinous:

Oh, but that’s the whole trick your majesty: It’s not about make you look like a hero, but instead make your opponents look so bad, that people perceive you as a hero.

Ludo:

I’m not following you...

Miss Heinous:

It’s quite simple really. Just like the story of David and Goliath, people always tend to look out for the underdog, so in order to make you a hero, we’ll turn your enemies into the huge, evil monsters you should fight to save Mewni. In other words: You’ll become king David and they will be your Goliath.

Ludo:

Oh, now I get it. I must say, I’m starting to like this idea and all, but... how are gonna change people’s perception of me? I mean, I only have a 3% approval rating.

Miss Heinous:

Just leave everything to me your majesty, after all: If we want to achieve our goal we have to go one step at a time.

Ludo:

Well, if you say so...

[In that moment, one of the guards opens the door to make an announcement]

Guard:

Your majesty, the rioters came back. They’re making some kind of rally at Polybius Square.

Ludo:

What?!!! Send the military and them to shoot those terrorists right in the...

Miss Heinous:

[interrupting Ludo] Wait, don’t do that!!!

Ludo:

Huh? Why not?

Miss Heinous:

Look, just let them have their rally, trust me.

Ludo:

Aw, but I hate rallies...

Miss Heinous:

Listen to me: If you decide to respond with violence, not only will you legitimize their movement, but you’ll also lose the few approval you already have. Be smart and play safe, please...

[Ludo takes a moment to think about it]

Ludo:

[sigh] Okay, I’ll do as you say… [talks to the guard] Cancel the attack, but send a brigade of police officers to watch the surrounding areas.

Guard:

Yes sir… [leaves the room]

Ludo:

Are you sure this will boost my popularity?

Miss Heinous:

Of course it will, this is all part of the plan. Just let them have their puny little rally for now, because soon enough you’ll have them eating out of your hand.

Ludo:

Excellent...

[Ludo and Miss Heinous start laughing evilly. Cut to Star crying inside the van at the junkyard. She looks a picture of her, Marco and the girls, but decides to delete it]

Star:

[thinking to herself] Oh Marco, even though it’s only been a few of weeks since you’re gone, somehow I can still feel your presence all around. Now, I don’t know if it’s because I’m going crazy, or I just can’t accept the reality and move on like everyone else, but one thing’s for sure: Things will never be same again now that I’ve lost you...

[Star closes her eyes and keeps crying in silence surrounded by darkness, when suddenly she hears a whispering, echoey voice that says: “Go further down”]

Star:

[opening her eyes] What?! Who said that?!

[The voice now says: “Down the spiral”]

Star:

Who are you?! What’s going on?!

[Star gets out the van in the middle of the night and follows the mysterious voice that keeps repeating “Go further down” and “Down the spiral” over and over]

Star:

[running across the junkyard] Wait… Where are you? What do you mean by “Down the Spiral”?

[She keeps running around searching for the voice, but suddenly: The voice stops]

Star:

[breathing heavily] Hey… don’t go… don’t… [gets on her knees] oh, who am I kidding? maybe I’m really going crazy and I’m just starting to hear voices… I mean… is there a way this could possibly get any worse?

Hekapoo:

[o.s] Princess Butterfly?

[Star gets startled for a second, but then she turns her head and sees Hekapoo right behind her]

Star:

Hekapoo? What are you doing here? Were you doing those voices I’ve just heard?

Hekapoo:

[raising an eyebrow] Voices? I don’t know what you’re talking about, anyway… thank goodness I found you. I’ve been looking for you for hours, but Janna wasn’t very specific when I asked her where...

Star:

Wait, did Janna tell you I was here?

Hekapoo:

Well, yes.

Star:

Ugh, what a friend… and just when I thought this situation couldn’t possibly get any worse, now it turns out she spilled the beans on me, so you can take me back to marry that knucklehead Ludo.

Hekapoo:

I’m not here to take you back to Mewni.

Star:

Really?

Hekapoo:

On the contrary: I’m here to take you to a safer dimension so Ludo can’t find you. Mewni has become a living hell since you left, so trust me: It’s better for you to stay away.

Star:

What the hell happened on Mewni?

Hekapoo:

Well, after you disappeared Ludo assumed the position of acting king and ever since then he turned Mewni into a neo-fascist dystopia. He doubled down police enforcement, banned every form of protest and suspended several civil liberties.

Star:

Oh my God, that’s terrible.

Hekapoo:

And the worst part is that since your parents were arrested for attempting to hire a hitman to kill Ludo, they’re being kept in prison and no one is able to get them out.

Star:

Jesus Christ, we gotta do something.

Hekapoo:

Forget it princess, it’s too dangerous. Just so you know: I had to get here using pixie dust instead of a dimensional portal because even those are being guarded by royal soldiers.

Star:

But we can’t just sit back here and wait for something to happen, the lives of our friends and families are in grave danger and you know it.

Hekapoo:

I’m sorry your majesty, but I promised to your mother that I would protect you, so my answer is no.

Star:

[groaning] You’re unbelievable. It’s like the only thing you know how to do is follow orders, I mean, where’s your sense of individuality? Do you even have any dream? A personal goal in life, of something like that? Or maybe you’re just a selfish, cold hearted bitch, just like my mother... 

[Hekapoo gets angry at Star, so she slaps her in the face]

Hekapoo:

Now listen to me, you ungrateful little brat, because I’m only gonna say this once: You have no idea how much your mother has sacrificed for you to be safe, even at the expense of her own life, so the least you can do is treat her with the respect she deserves.

Star:

[rubbing her cheek] F*** you!!!

Hekapoo:

Besides: You wanna talk about selfishness? What about you princess? after all, you’re pregnant with Marco’s child, aren’t you? Are you telling me you’re willing to put that baby’s life in danger along with your own just to prove a point? I’m pregnant with Marco’s child too, and I don’t wanna risk myself or my upcoming baby just to save you. Have you ever thought about that?

Star:

[turning her back on Hekapoo] Leave me alone...

Hekapoo:

So... no snarky remarks on that one? Huh, why am I not surprised? Well, maybe it’s time for you to just grow up and cooperate with me for a change.

Star:

I didn’t ask for your help...

Hekapoo:

Well, tough luck sweetheart! because you have no choice.

Star:

I’m not going anywhere… [sits on the floor with her arms crossed] you understand?

Hekapoo:

Princess, please… you’re only making my job harder than it should be.

Star:

Well I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem.

[Hekapoo takes a moment to figure out a way to convince her]

Hekapoo:

You know, Janna also told me that you’re convinced that Marco is somehow still alive, is that true?

Star:

And what do you care about that?

Hekapoo:

Because just like you princess, I still remember Marco and would give anything to see him again, but I guess you don’t care about that either.

Star:

You’ll just think I’m crazy like everyone else did.

Hekapoo:

I give you my word that I won’t think you’re crazy, so please: Show me what you know about Marco.

[Star thinks about it for a few seconds. Cut to Star showing Hekapoo the inside of the van. She uses the flashlight of her phone to search for something across the floor]

Hekapoo:

What is this place?

Star:

It’s the inside of a van. It’s a human vehicle that I’ve been using as a house the last few days.

Hekapoo:

Why have you been using a vehicle as a house?

Star:

It’s a human thing, you wouldn’t understand.

Hekapoo:

So… you’re telling me that humans use their own houses as vehicles?

Star:

Not at all of them, just the ones that don’t have a roof over their heads.

Hekapoo:

So, there are humans that live under roofs they call houses, and the ones that don’t have roofs live inside vehicles they call houses, even though they’re not roofs? God, humans are weird... 

Star:

I’ve found it!!!

[Star shows her a notebook with all the information she’s been collecting]

Hekapoo:

What is this? wait, let me just… [uses her powers to create a flame to light up the place] there you go.

[The notebook contains images of several Sealab 2021 episodes along with their respective airdates, production codes, summaries and footnotes. The pictures with Marco have a red circle drawn around his face]

Star:

Okay, these images are from a TV show called Sealab 2021. It’s about a group of scientists living in an underwater research station for research purposes, but because of their sheer incompetence and unprofessional behavior they blow up their lab in almost every episode.

Hekapoo:

[rubbing her chin] Okay...

Star:

Now, after watching the complete series three times in a row and doing some research, I’ve found out that this show… is actually a parody of another show called Sealab 2020. 

Hekapoo:

Eh, I don’t understand what does this have to do with…?

Star:

Wait, I’m not done yet… The original show aired in 1972 and the parody aired in 2001, almost 30 years of difference, after doing more research I discovered that between 1970 and 2000 the United States spent around 13.5 million dollars in underwater research stations alone... that’s like 88.6 millions if you adjust it to today’s standards.

Hekapoo:

Wow, I didn’t know you were so good at math.

Star:

Well, to tell you the truth, I asked some help from Alfonzo for that one, but anyway: The reason I’m telling you this is because of this character over here… [points at Marco]

Hekapoo:

Well, he kinda looks like Marco.

Star:

That’s the whole point: The full name of this character is Marco something something Diaz something something something Marquez, he works as the station’s engineer, and not only shares the same name as OUR Marco, but he is also a bit stubborn, has large muscles, knows karate, how to cook, has large muscles, doesn’t speak spanish very well, is a bit corky, has large muscles, he’s even a bit of a ladies’ man… did I mention he has large muscles?

Hekapoo:

Okay, I admit those are a lot of coincidences, but how are you so sure that THIS is OUR Marco?

Star:

Well, remember when Marco attempted to destroy the Espercrystal while it was embedded in Toffee’s body? you know, when Toffee turned into that gigantic mass of flesh and stuff...

Hekapoo:

Yeah, I remember that...

Star:

The last thing we could see before they disappeared was that giant upward spiral of magic energy that quickly vanished into thin air, so… my theory is that maybe, just MAYBE, Marco wasn’t actually disintegrated, but teleported into a different spacetime, something that goes beyond any dimension we have knowledge of. Something like... 

Hekapoo:

A different realm.

Star:

What’s a realm?

Hekapoo:

In the Magic High Commision that’s how we call those places that are beyond any dimension we have registered in our archives, it’s like when you have a map and you reach the edges into unexplored territory.

Star:

Wait, so... do you actually believe me? You don’t think I’m crazy, or something like that?

Hekapoo:

No, not at all, in fact: I think your theory makes a lot of sense considering that realm travelling can actually bend some of the rules of spacetime.

Star:

[getting excited] Oh my God, you know what this means? We can get Marco back!!! [starts jumping for joy] Hooray! this is the best day ever. Using your knowledge and my bravery and determination we’ll be able to find him on wherever dimension he’s in...

Hekapoo:

Wow, wow, wow… now hold your horses for one second princess: realm travelling is nothing like the dimensional travelling you’re used to. We’re talking about a whole new level in spacetime journey that goes beyond my understanding, so… No, we’re not going anywhere.

Star:

But we gotta get Marco back!!! I thought you loved him...

Hekapoo:

Look, I love Marco as much as you do princess, but it’s too dangerous and I promised to your mother that I would keep you safe, so this conversation is over.

Star:

[making a puppy face] Pleeeease...

Hekapoo:

No.

Star:

Oh, come on...

Hekapoo:

I said no, and even if I agreed to do it, I still don’t know how to travel. The only person I know that knows about realm travelling is...

Star:

Who? Who knows about realm travelling?

Hekapoo:

I’m not gonna tell you.

Star:

Come on, just tell me… I promise I won’t do anything. Scout’s honor!

Hekapoo:

Don’t try to fool me, you’re not even a scout.

Star:

[taking a deep breath] Okay, you asked for it: tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me...

Hekapoo:

OKAY, OKAY, I’LL TELL YOU!!! BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE: CUT IT OUT!!!

Star:

It always works...

Hekapoo:

As I was saying: The only person I know that knows about realm travelling is Queen Eclipsa, but she’s still frozen in the crystal dimension so we can’t go there. End of story.

Star:

Sure we can, we just have to use some of that pixie dust of yours and that’s it. Easy peasy lemon squeezy...

Hekapoo:

Okay, first of all: Rhombulus is the only one who has the ability to unfreeze people, and he no longer works on the crystal dimension, and second of all: We’re not going.

Star:

[groaning loudly] You’re just like my mother, you… wait a second: You said that my mother sent you to protect me... which it means you still work for my family... therefore, I’m actually your boss...

[Star looks at Hekapoo with a grin on her face. Hekapoo gulps out of fear]

Hekapoo:

Princess please, just take a moment to consider it...

Star:

Too late, I’ve already made up my mind, so… [puts her arm around Hekapoo’s shoulders] Beam me up Scotty!

Hekapoo:

Me and my big mouth...

[Cut to a group of protesters having a celebration in Polybius Square. There’s people dancing in the streets, people putting up anti-government posters and even people burning an effigy of Ludo. Tyrone, the news reporter is on the scene]

Tyrone:

[holding a microphone] I’m here at Polybius Square where a massive event is taking place right now. Thousands of people gather around for the third consecutive week on what is seems to be the biggest march in Mewni’s history. To give us more details, we have an exclusive interview with none other than the organizer of this entire movement: Tom Lucitor. [the camera shows Tom next to Tyrone] How are you today Tom?

Tom:

Very excited Tyrone, you know, I never thought this movement me and crew started three weeks ago could become so massive, I mean, look at all these people right here. This certainly goes beyond all our projections.

Tyrone:

Right... Moving to another topic, there have been some reports of lootings taking place around the square, as well as some acts of vandalism that some people attribute to the protests, what do you have to say about that?

Tom:

Nothing but isolated incidents Tyrone. I’ve been organizing this movement from day 1 and I’ve spoken with a lot of people, and let let me tell you: The vast majority you’re watching right here are pacific and have nothing to do with the looters. Besides, I can guarantee you that 2 out of 3 looting incidents are hoaxes made by the police in order to discredit our movement.

Tyrone:

Really? How does that work?

Tom:

Well, first they pay a group of people to put on some masks and attack a bunch of previously selected stores and small business they capture on video, and then they post it on the internet to...

[Cut to Ludo and Miss Heinous watching the news at the meeting room]

Ludo:

[panicking] Oh my god, they found out about the hoaxes. The plan is ruined!!!

Miss Heinous:

Relax your majesty, this is exactly what we wanted.

Ludo:

[raising an eyebrow] It is?

Miss Heinous:

Of course!!! In fact: The rise of that demon boy is the best thing that could have happened to us.

Ludo:

Really? But how? I don’t get it.

Miss Heinous:

Elementary, my dear Ludo: The best way to make you popular is to find someone that people can hate more than they hate you, don’t you understand? By dragging Tom down, we’ll discredit your entire opposition making them look dishonest. In that way we can shift the narrative to turn you into the lesser of two evils. It’s politics 101 basically...

Ludo:

My God… That’s brilliant!

Miss Heinous:

Now, the only thing we have to do is find some dirt on him, but how are we gonna do it?

Ludo:

You leave that to me, I know the perfect guy...

[Cut to Rhombulus trying to create dimensional scissors at Hekapoo’s fortress. However, all his attempts so far have failed miserably, resulting in a pile of deformed scissors]

Rhombulus:

[putting his hands around the fire] Almost there… [the scissors turn out okay] Yes!!! [but then they stretch and deform] Oh, F***!!! [throws the scissors into the pile] Who am I kidding? I don’t know how to make dimensional scissors, Ludo will blow me into smithereens for this. [sigh] If only Hekapoo was here to teach me how to do it, I mean, she makes it look so easy...

[In that moment, Hekapoo appears out of nowhere, pounces over Rhombulus and puts a magical knife around his neck]

Hekapoo:

Well, maybe you should lower the fire’s temperature for next time, you knucklehead.

Rhombulus:

Hekapoo? What are you doing here?!

Hekapoo:

Oh you know, just paying a visit to an old friend to ask him a small favor.

Rhombulus:

Do I know him?

Hekapoo:

Ha-ha, very funny, now go grab your stuff cause you’ll take us to see Queen Eclipsa.

Rhombulus:

Us? What do you mean by “us”?

[Star appears from behind one of the fortress’ pillars]

Star:

Is he ready Hekapoo?

Rhombulus:

Princess Butterfly?! What’s the meaning of this?!

Hekapoo:

The less you know the better, trust me. Now do as we say and everything will be just fine, okay? OKAY?! 

Rhombulus:

[sweating] Okay, okay, I’ll do as you say...

[Cut to Rhombulus taking Star and Hekapoo to see Queen Eclipsa at the Crystal Dimension]

Star:

[sigh] How long till we get there?

Rhombulus:

We’re here.

[Rhombulus shows Star and Hekapoo the giant crystal block where Eclipsa is frozen]

Rhombulus:

Okay, this is Queen Eclipsa. Can I go now?

Star:

Wake her up...

Rhombulus:

What?! Are you serious?! Do you have any idea who Queen Eclipsa is?!

Hekapoo:

Do as she says, now! [points the knife at him]

Rhombulus:

Okay, okay, I’ll do it. Heaven forgive me...

[Rhombulus uses his powers to unfreeze Queen Eclipsa, but only from the shoulders up]

Queen Eclipsa:

[waking up] Huh? What happened? Why am I awake again?

Star:

[making a reverence] Queen Eclipsa, I came a long way to ask you very important favor...

Queen Eclipsa:

Wait a minute: Moon, is that you? What happened? I thought that spell I gave you to defeat Toffee was enough to take him down, maybe you just mixed up the words...

Star:

[standing up] I’m not Moon Butterfly your highness. I’m her daughter Star Butterfly, and right now I need your help.

Queen Eclipsa:

Let me guess: You’re here because you need to know a particular spell that only I know, don’t you?

Star:

How did you guess?

Queen Eclipsa:

It’s the only reason people have woke up lately, believe it or not.

Star:

So, can you help me?

Queen Eclipsa:

Mmmm… Can you bring me a chocolate bar from that vending machine over there?

Star:

What?!

Queen Eclipsa:

I’m sorry, but I make my decisions better on a full stomach, I hope you don’t mind.

[Star looks at Hekapoo for a moment]

Hekapoo:

[sigh] Don’t worry, I’ll get the bar...

[Hekapoo goes to the vending machine and gets a chocolate bar, then she gives it to Eclipsa]

Queen Eclipsa:

[tasting the bar] Oh, but is is a lemon bar. I wanted the cherry flavoured one.

[Hekapoo starts grinding her teeth as she goes once again to the vending machine to get a cherry flavoured bar, but this time the bar gets stuck inside]

Hekapoo:

[getting angry] SON OF A… [punches the machine, breaks it and gets the bar, then she gives it to Eclipsa] Here’s your stupid bar.

Queen Eclipsa:

[tasting the bar] Ah, that’s better… [eats the whole bar]

Star:

So, can you help me now?

Queen Eclipsa:

Okay, tell me what you want to know.

Star:

Phew! finally… I need you to tell me how to travel through dimensional realms.

Queen Eclipsa & Rhombulus:

DIMENSIONAL REALMS?!

Rhombulus:

[to Hekapoo] Hekapoo, did you tell her about the realms?! that’s against the royal code.

Hekapoo:

Shut up...

Queen Eclipsa:

[to Star] Listen kid, I don’t think you understand the sheer magnitude of your request. Realm travelling is a life-changing experience that can really mess up your mind, and honestly: I don’t wanna take the blame for contribute on your own self-destruction. Please try to understand me.

Star:

But, you’re the only one who knows the spell to do it. Look: this is not about me being morbidly curious or anything like that, I need to know because the love of my life was absorbed by a giant spiral of magic that took him away to another realm and I want to get him back, please...

Queen Eclipsa:

And how did you know he was absorbed into another realm?

Hekapoo:

Because it was absorbed along with the Espercrystal.

Queen Eclipsa:

The Espercrystal?! Oh God, not again...

Star:

Did you know about the Espercrystal?

Queen Eclipsa:

Yes I do, and let me give you some advice: If you do this, I swear to God you’ll regret every single second of your entire existence, so be smart and stay out of the realms.

Star:

But you don’t understand… [gets on her knees] the thing is: I’m pregnant with this boy’s child, I found it out just a few weeks before he disappeared, but I couldn’t tell him in time… and who knows? maybe if I had told him about my baby, he wouldn’t sacrifice himself to save us from that evil crystal and its evil powers, so every time I think about him, I see myself carrying the weight of his loss for the rest of my life, so please… just give me this opportunity, that’s all I ask for.

Queen Eclipsa:

[sniffing] Oh, that is just so sad… but life’s a bitch kid, you’ll just have to learn to live with it.

Star:

Oh, come on!!! I’ll do anything you want me to do… [makes a puppy face] Pleeease...

Queen Eclipsa:

[moved] Aw, I hate when they make that face. Okay, I’ll tell you what you want to know.

Star:

[standing up] Hooray!

Queen Eclipsa:

However… I want something in return.

Star:

Oh, you want more chocolate bars? No problem, I’ll just take these bars left over here and...

Queen Eclipsa:

I’m not talking about chocolate bars. What I want in return… is to be free.

Hekapoo & Rhombulus:

WHAT?!!!

Queen Eclipsa:

That’s right: no freedom, no secret. Simple as that.

Rhombulus:

Forget about it Eclipsa, princess Butterfly will never agree to set free someone as dangerous as…

[Star grabs Rhombulus arm and uses it to unfreeze Eclipsa’s entire body]

Rhombulus:

Hey, that’s my arm!

Queen Eclipsa:

[giving Star a pat on the head] Now, that’s a good girl, and because I’m a woman of my word, I’ll tell you the secret you want to know...

[Eclipsa whispers the secret on Star’s ear. Star simply gasps as she hears it]

Queen Eclipsa:

And that’s basically all you need to know. Now, If you excuse me: I have some unfinished business I have to attend, so… arrivederci… [flies away]

Rhombulus:

[following her] Hey, get back here… [leaves the scene]

Hekapoo:

So... what did she tell you? Star?

[Star stares into space for a few seconds, then she looks at Hekapoo]

Star:

The wand. We gotta get it back.

MARCO VS. THE FORCES OF LOVE - EPISODE 18: WAKING ECLIPSA

[lamiaward]

I was tagged by @sweetcarlos-bravecarlos to do this , so here goes:

1.Nickname: uhm believe it or not , but I actually have quite a few? My bff has a long list of nicknames for me that we came up with years ago like pi, 12 etc. Additionally, my little sis calls me Lizzy, or Liz. My family sometimes call me Lies (or my completely embarrassing nickname that I will never reveal) And the crew at Uni call me Dog ( it was a Pavlov reference goddamn IT) and Destroyer of Civilization. 

2. height: like 1.70 m? For a Dutch person, I am kind of smoll but at least I am taller than @juliettesferrar 

3. fav school subject: in highschool, it was definitely history. In my first semester of University College, it was political theory theory ( although yup, definitely want to hear less about white, almost always straight, white guys and more about all the other awesome philosophers)

4. something I want to learn: I am a Ravenclaw you should not ever ask me this, there is too much omg. I will just limit it to the things I want to learn most I guess.  Latin and Hieroglyphs, sword fighting, cooking, singing( that will never happen but let me dream about being able to write and sing a song for a girl okay).

5. fav quote: ehhh difficult.  Maybe a Beau Taplin one? I really like The Connection: My heart is not captured easily. I am disinterested in small talk, disillusioned with love and too focused on my dreams and aspirations to lend anybody my attention for long. But if we make that connection, if you find your way into my heart , God I will fall for you like gravity has let go of the earth. Also, the Sappho one where she very poetically describes being so gay for a girl she can no longer breathe and pretty much dies.

6. Fav food: honestly, I love food so much, just put something in front of me and I will be like *gasp* you gave me food, thank you. As long as it is not like fish or something. I guess if I had to pick though, it would probably be chocolate or watermelon ( I once ate an entire watermelon by myself so.. )

7. Fav place: this bookstore in Nijmegen where they also have the best cheesecake, and wherever my friends are. also, I love Switzerland and Sienna.

8. What can’t I leave the house without: books/my notebook. Also music, I need it for when I make up entire stories with crossovers in my head okay.

9. last song I listened to: take me to church ( a cover actually, I have listened to the original about a billion times so sometimes I need to listen to someone else singing it)

10. identity : uhhh I guess kind of a butch lesbian? I am always 100% uncertain about my own feelings and stuff thanks to how much I repress everything lmao but that kind of feels like me?

11. eye color; it is blue but the shade changes (sometimes it is also kind of grey) and there are other colors in there. I have like gold around the pupil.

12. Hair color: it is originally a really dark shade of blonde. Right now it is sort of brown-red.

13. Something I collect: books and random things that make me happy which can be merchandise ( I have this awesome fma watch that you could only get away from me if you killed me) but also pictures and basically anything.

14. fav movie: I don’t really have a favourite, just ones I enjoyed a LOT. I loved black panther (!), wonder woman, thor ragnarok, coco, mamma mia etc.

15. fav song: urgh I can’t just pick one. Take me to church is definitely a favourite, but I also really love Halsey songs (especially Sorry, and Strange Love) and let her go by Passengers. I also have a soft spot for disney songs( especially Hellfire, I won’t say I am in love and pretty much all songs from Moana)

16. fav book: bitch I have been a bookworm since I could read, you honestly think I can just pick one?? I love Riordan’s books -esp. the later ones (omg Alex Fierro is the best and Apollo as a mortal is so fucking relatable) I just started Labyrinth Lost and I am really loving that as well. I just finished tell me again how a crush should feel which was also very well-written and I already know I will reread it.  Shatter me series are great (the WRITING OMG); so is the Grisha trilogy (hate Mal though)/ pretty much anything by Leigh Bardugo. The Stravaganza series is something special and I love, love Every day by David Levithan. There are more, but I will stop now. 

17. zodiac: Taurus

18: languages I know: English and Dutch, but also some German and French (I know random words in different languages, like Italian and Greek) My French and German is pretty basic though :(

19. full name: Lisa (you’re not getting my last name, nor my middle names, sorry)

20. tattoos/piercings: I have piercings in my ears, had a nose piercing for a while but it kept falling out so to speak and then I had to return to the shop to get it pierced again so I finally gave up. I am going to get a tattoo -I am thinking of one connected to Artemis or Athena, and it will probably be on my wrist ( I have a scar on my left arm that would be perfect for an Artemis tattoo actually)

Urgh I hate tagging people because I hardly talk to anyone on Tumblr ( I am a shy bean okay) but I tag @frenchdork and @juliettesferrar for this I guess :)

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 23/01/2021 (Anne-Marie, Juice WRLD, Young Thug)

The site I use for this show has refused to update – which is fine, it’s probably run by one guy and/or their bots – which means I had to go on the UK Singles Chart page from the Official Charts Company for information, and man, I hate that site. Anyway, despite a big #2 debut and a big remix at #3, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo stays steady at #1 for a second week, which shows us a little sliver of how much longevity this song could have – and it’s good too, so I’m glad. Anyway, time for more apathy. Let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

I feel like, especially recently, debuts don’t really stick at all. We have many songs gradually falling below the chart this week, and they place into either two categories: songs that I wished would go away already, and songs that debuted last week. Out of the debuts from last week still on the chart, we have three notable gains and four of the opposite, making this actually an okay week for debuts, but it still feels like people have not got time for new music right now, which is honestly understandable. Out of those debuts, “Streets” by Doja Cat surges up to #20, “Notorious” by Bugzy Malone and Chip drops to #39, “Best Friend” by Saweetie featuring Doja Cat is down to #42, “Regardless” by RAYE and Rudimental unfortunately is up to #51, alongside an even more unfortunate gain for “Chemtrails Over the Country Club” by Lana Del Rey at #58 (Please, don’t make this a hit). That’s it for gains for our debuts last week, as “Vibez” by ZAYN couldn’t even gain from an album boost down to #62 and “WW2” by Unknown T makes the expected second-week drill dive to #63. Our other gains aren’t much to discuss either, although I’ll admit I actually kind of like “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu and remixed by Drake up to #47 (I do really want to see this as a hit). I don’t like, however, the two deep house pastiches at #15 and #16, “Goosebumps” by HVME and “The Business” by Tiesto. What’s even worse is that “Goosebumps”, a remix of Travis Scott’s song, now has a Travis Scott remix, so that remix remix could land this in the top 10 next week. What might not be is also a remix: “34+35” by Ariana Grande featuring Doja Cat and Megan Thee Stallion up to #3. It was doing okay before the remix so it could stay here but I don’t see the remix as a replacement for the original so it could falter from #3. Of course, we do have other notable fallers, mostly pointless to list and a couple weeks too long on the chart, so I’ll split it into two once again: “Go away, please” and “Go away, but maybe later”. In the first category, we have “Whoopty” by CJ at #9, “Blinding Lights” by The Weeknd at #23, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #25, “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior at #28, “positions” by Ariana Grande at #33, “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus at #41, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #48. “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #52, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #53, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles at #54, “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #55, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo at #64, “Diamonds” by Sam Smith at #67, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit, Mabel and 24kGoldn at #72 and “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur at #74. I like a fair few of these songs but I’d like some new blood in the charts, like the second category of songs that seem to have started dropping out prematurely: “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #22, “Loading” by Central Cee at #25, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #45, “Forever Young” by Becky Hill at #57, “Plugged In” by Fumez the Engineer and A92 at #59, “champagne problems” by Taylor Swift at #65, “Body” by Megan Thee Stallion at #68, “pov” by Ariana Grande at #70, “Love is a Compass” by Griff at #71 and, finally, since I only cover the top 75, “Your New Boyfriend” by Wilbur Soot at #73. We have one return here, and that’s for a song that’s a couple years old but from a new star: Olivia Rodrigo’s “All I Want” returning to #32, from the High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Soundtrack which I had assumed was new initially but did peak at #72 prior to this. The song’s fine, but I don’t review returning entries, and honestly it’s even more of a Disney teen-pop ballad that “drivers license” is, so I don’t find much point in making exceptions. Note to self to edit the drop-outs in whenever you know what they are.

Edit: The notable drop-outs are “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey, “no body, no crime” by Taylor Swift featuring HAIM, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy, “Savage Love (Laxed - Siren Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Jawsh 685, “Show Out” by Kid Cudi, Skepta and the late Pop Smoke, and “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac.

NEW ARRIVALS

#60 – “Friday (Dopamine Re-Edit)” – Riton and Nightcrawlers featuring Mufasa & Hypeman

Produced by Riton

“Push the Feeling On” is a song by Scottish collective Nightcrawlers that is known much more commonly for its classic deep house remix by American DJ MK, which would be known now for how much it’s been sampled in pop music: You’ve probably heard the synth riff or vocal chop in “Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull, “Dinner Guest” by AJ Tracey and MoStack, “Wiggle It” by French Montana and City Girls, “House Party” by MIST and Fredo, or even “Nightcore in tha Club” by Viper of all people. So, 20 or so years later, here comes English DJ Riton making another official remix alongside dually-credited Musafa & Hypeman, who I guess are social media influencers from articles I see about them. That would explain why this is charting... but yeah, this is lazy. A female vocalist sings “It’s Friday, Saturday, Sunday again” to the melody of the classic vocal loop, and the rest of the song is a worthless and artless “future house” track made for no-one, with Musafa & Hypeman delivering nothing more than obnoxious skits and faint ad-libs. I’ll admit, the second verse where it suddenly drops into her vocals over the haunting vibration of bass is inspired, but it goes nowhere. It uses the same drop as the original MK remix and if it isn’t, it uses a vocaloid drop that sounds way too similar to blackbear’s “hot girl bummer” for my liking. Once you hear it, you may not unhear it – although I doubt you’d come back to this song for any reason other than clicking the wrong song when looking for the original MK remix, which is still great. This, however, is useless.

#50 – “Skengman” – Ghetts featuring Stormzy

Produced by Ten Billion Dreams

This is actually Ghetts’ first ever track to hit this chart as a lead solo act and that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. Whilst Ghetts is very important to grime and his mixtapes are considered classics, he’s not exactly the peak of commercial success – and is somewhat infamous for said squandering as he released a diss track against MTV for not thinking he was that great of an MC – which wasn’t exactly helped by beef with the Boy Better Know collective. It makes a lot of sense for him to ride off the coattails of the new generation of English rappers and make a drill-adjacent track with Stormzy, the track’s namesake. It also makes sense for this to be good: we have some pretty ominous keys and horns that sound great under this cold and minimal trap beat, relying less on percussion than it does the eerie strings. Sure, the chorus is pretty awkward and tired, with Ghetts not selling it nearly as he well as he does the verses, which even then are off-kilter. The second verse – by Stormzy – is where this song really shines, as gorgeous vocal samples combine with the rise of the strings, looming 808s and Stormzy’s deep contrast of a voice before the beat drops and Stormzy lets out his best flows. Honestly, after Stormzy’s verse, not even a beat shift really makes Ghetts’ other two verses worthwhile, as his just seem short and ineffective, even if the beat is going to keep on intensifying with these incredible strings and horns – lest we forget the choir of “Skengmen” behind him on the chorus. I really wish this was a solo Stormzy track, with no disrespect to Ghetts, who just feels out of place if anything. This could have been a lot better.

#49 – “Lumidee” – Chip featuring Young M.A. and Young Adz

Produced by the Fanatix

Most of our new arrivals are hip-hop or hip-hop-related, so of course whenever we see Stormzy, I guess we have to have a Chip song the same day. Is that beef still going on? Regardless, this is a very different song, named after the artist behind the awkward, minimal R&B sample used here. Listen, I like 2000s R&B, but “Never Leave You (Uh Oooh, Uh Oooh)” is just a fatal misunderstanding of what makes Timbaland’s production good. Surely that would make any reworking an improvement, especially with these subtle strings and guitars under a dancehall beat just as awkward as the original. Oh, and I call the strings subtle because it’s not like Young Adz could ever be, or Chip for that matter, as both of them deliver stiff, ugly performances about how the sex is spectacular... but also how they want this woman to treat them kindly after they cheat on her because they buy her nice things. “They” of course being everyone here, as Chip plays the same role as Adz – who only grabs the chorus – and hell, I think Young M.A., who could deliver a narrative here that criticises Chip’s attitude, just expresses the same ideas. I’ll admit that M.A.’s flow and cadence is a lot smoother, less nasally Auto-Tuned and honestly kind of good, but this honestly, much like “Skengman”, reeks of missed potential. A dancehall back-and-forth about love that means nothing but sex and materialism sounds fun on paper but nothing’s really done with it here, which is what I’d expect from these guys in all honesty. It’s weird and kind of cool to see Young M.A. on the UK Singles Chart again (She appeared on an Eminem track around this time last year too), though, so I’ll give it that.

#44 – “Pinging (6 Figures)” – Central Cee

Produced by ItchyDaProducer

Well, we can now add Central Cee to the drill guys that spark a top 50 hit out of nowhere every couple weeks. I actually quite like “Loading” mostly because of the fusion of hard 808s with those slick horn samples. As an aside, the Genius.com page for “Loading” has a comment saying the beat is “disgusting” that has a ton of downvotes, probably because of some sort of disconnect between cultures and audiences. This new track is a lot less interesting, though, relying on a really cheap guitar loop, but otherwise I do think the drill percussion works here, especially with the sliding 808s and Central Cee’s pretty constant delivery. I can’t really say he’s saying anything of interest other than the fact he supposedly turned down a six-figure record deal to stay independent, which of course is the chorus, so it’s not like this is great, or even good, but it makes the best out of a bad loop, and I can respect that, especially with piano touches, although this apparently sounds like another beat Itchy’s made so I’m not sure if that deserves much praise either. You know, I really thought Central Cee could have been on to something with the jazzier touches, but once again, this is missed potential.

#37 – “Wellerman” – The Longest Johns

Produced by ???

There aren’t any producer credits for this one, though I’m not sure to how much extent you can “produce” a sea shanty. It’s not often for this show that I can say a song that debuted is from the 1800s, but this song dates back to around 1833, where the Weller Brothers and their “Wellerman” ships became the most important merchant traders in New Zealand, operating mostly through their base in Otago. Naturally, sea shanties are sang at sea but it’s seldom seen that said songs surge up as singles on Spotify. Thanks to TikTok, however, this 2018 cover by the Longest Johns, a folk group from Bristol, debuted in the top 40. There’s no instrumentation, so this is just an a-capella cover, with some genuinely great vocal harmonisation, even if these guys aren’t great singers – not that you have to be to sing sea shanties. The end product is a pretty fun track about wishing for a supply ship to come whilst whaling, and that they hope to come home soon – or something like that. Look, I hope this doesn’t stick around even though I have the feeling it will. It’s not a bad song at all and the guys are talented, but come on, guys, it’s a sea shanty from TikTok. As that damn app still runs a lot of the charts, though, I suppose I should embrace this, because it is harmless, and that’s really all there is to it.

#31 – “Bad Boy” – Juice WRLD and Young Thug

Produced by Pi’erre Bourne

Now, I’m usually cynical about posthumous releases from Jarad, and I was initially for this, but it has been in circulation as a leak and it was also completely finished with a music video produced before his death by Cole Bennett of Lyrical Lemonade, who directed a lot of Juice’s earlier videos (including “Lucid Dreams”). It has Young Thug on the second verse and Pi’erre Bourne on production so I can’t be mad at this at all. As long as these posthumous projects from now on don’t have tacked-on features and are surrounded by collaborations from only his genuine friends who cared for him, I have no issue with them going on – even if I’d prefer for all of his demos to be released with proceeds going to charity (which should be done with most if not all artists after their passing unless they have an album on the way). It helps that this song isn’t just respectful, but it’s incredible. The hard trap beat from Pi’erre has this great squealing guitar and noisy synth blend that kicks ass whenever it comes in, especially when at odds with the more casual bleeping in the verses. Juice’s chorus is infectious and fast-paced, exactly how he should be on his “banger” tracks, but his verses are really a genius blend between his melodic and technical skills that I wish I heard more from Juice when he was alive. Oh, and Young Thug has what might be verse of the year, with smooth flow switches as always, unique inflections as always as well as playing with the beat perfectly as he drops the nasal screech of his “skrrt!” ad-libs amidst a more simple, intense flow by the end – with the addition of that squealing guitar. Is the content unique? Maybe not, as this is mostly flexing over an explosive trap beat, but there are enough quotable rhymes and vocal deliveries that make this more than honestly the sum of its parts, as out of context I don’t think this beat, this feature or Juice’s hook could work nearly as well as they do. As is, however, this is one of Juice’s best songs, hell, even one of Thugger’s best – and he has a strong discography – so, yeah, for the part of me that appreciates ignorant, stupid-hard trap-rap, this clicked. I hope it’s a hit and even if it isn’t, this is one of the best send-offs they could have chosen for Juice, and I’m just glad it’s finally met an official release.

#2 – “Don’t Play” – Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals

Produced by Mojam and Digital Farm Animals

“Bad Boy” seems like it should be the big story here, as it’s a massive lead and/or final posthumous single from one of the biggest rappers in history featuring another A-list that is getting a lot of praise and YouTube views... but alas, this is the UK, so here’s KSI and Anne-Marie. Is this KSI-Digital Farm Animals collaboration going anywhere? He had a similar one last year with “Really Love” featuring Craig David and that was kind of big – still is – and I think also debuted at #2 behind a really strong #1. They also had awkward, ugly cartoon cover arts, so maybe this is a collaborative project between KSI and the EDM producers? Well, “producer”, because Digital Farm Animals is actually just one guy. I think I honestly wouldn’t mind that considering how better KSI pulls off rapping over EDM than hip-hop. Anne-Marie is filling Craig David’s role, although this time with a verse and lead billing, so it could be from an upcoming album that may or may not exist. Honestly, who cares? Is the song good? No, the chorus is lazy, the UK garage-adjacent beat is cheap and KSI gets outshined in his verse both performance and mixing-wise by orchestra hits. Is the content interesting? Well, KSI’s lyrics are supposedly subliminal disses towards other YouTubers, which annotators on Genius have “marked as a stretch”, only to be met with downvotes from fans because of course, they would. Is it catchy? I guess so, that is the purpose. Hence, we have an inoffensive pop song from three artists who have made better but mostly through freak accident. Top 10 material? Probably not, but the charts are weak and it’s the UK so you can’t really expect much more. Also, why does this have an extended version?

Conclusion

Whilst I’m writing this conclusion, the site I use still has yet to update, so I’ll actually have to do a Kanye in 2016 and edit this post-release for the top 10 and drop-outs. For now, though, I can pretty solidly give Best of the Week to “Bad Boy” by the late Juice WRLD and Young Thug, with an Honourable Mention to I guess “Wellerman” by the Longest Johns for at least being different, although most of these debuts reek of missed potential. “Wellerman” could have been a lot more jaunty with actual instrumentation, “Don’t Play” could have replaced Anne-Marie with an actual personality, Ghetts could have gone in harder on “Skengman” and the beat in “Pinging (Six Figures)” could have actually existed. Therefore, the songs with the least potential are the victims here, as Dishonourable Mention goes to Chip, Young Adz and Young M.A. for “Lumidee” and Worst of the Week goes to “Friday (Dopamine Re-Edit)” by like, four complete nobodies, honestly, I do not see the purpose in that song existing at all. Well, here’s the top 10 for this week – or at least it will be here in a couple hours:

I can’t make any solid predictions for next week other than Billie Eilish and ROSALIA, maybe Lil Skies? You can follow me @cactusinthebank if you’re vaguely interested in doing so, thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next week.

[whitejeweler]

Welcome to Music Monday when we bring you great songs with jewelry, gemstones or precious metals in the title or lyrics. Today, Alexander Hamilton sees himself as a “diamond in the rough” in “My Shot,” the rousing Act 1 hit from Lin-Manuel Miranda’s blockbuster Broadway show. Miranda famously portrays the 19-year-old founding father in a musical about young revolutionaries and their determination to rise up against the British. Hamilton on Broadway has grossed more than a half billion dollars.

In the first verse of the 5:34 rap, Miranda’s character knows he’s smart and well spoken, but acknowledges that he’s also young and a bit rough around the edges.

He sings, “I probably shouldn’t brag, but dag, I amaze and astonish / The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish / I gotta holler just to be heard / With every word, I drop knowledge! / I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal / Tryin’ to reach my goal.”

The “young, scrappy and hungry” Hamilton vows to lead the charge against oppression, repeating throughout the song that he’s not going to throw away his shot at making a difference.

Although Hamilton opened on Broadway more than five years ago, the show recently earned a big boost and broader audience when Disney Plus released the Hamilton movie on its popular streaming service just before U.S. Independence Day. The offering spiked Disney Plus downloads by 752,000 over the July 4th weekend.

The Hamilton movie features the original cast and is essentially a “live” recording — using six cameras — of an actual Broadway performance.

In 2016, Hamilton earned a record 16 Tony nominations and won 11 awards, including Best Musical. The play also won the 2016 Pulitzer Prize for Drama.

Despite the accolades, Miranda reminded fans that the show was “no overnight success.” It took the composer/lyricist/actor/singer seven years to write the play, including a full year of revisions to today’s featured song, “My Shot.”

Please check out the audio clip of Miranda and the cast of Hamilton performing “My Shot.” The lyrics are below if you’d like to sing along…

“My Shot” Written by Lin-Manuel Miranda, Kejuan Waliek and Albert Johnson. Performed by Lin-Manuel Miranda and the original cast of Hamilton.

I am not throwing away my shot! I am not throwing away my shot! Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot! I’m ‘a get a scholarship to King’s College I probably shouldn’t brag, but dag, I amaze and astonish The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish I gotta holler just to be heard With every word, I drop knowledge! I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal Tryin’ to reach my goal. My power of speech: unimpeachable Only nineteen but my mind is older These New York City streets get colder, I shoulder Every burden, every disadvantage I have learned to manage, I don’t have a gun to brandish I walk these streets famished

Ooh!

The plan is to fan this spark into a flame But damn, it’s getting dark, so let me spell out the name I am the

A-L-E-X-A-N-D E-R we are meant to be…

A colony that runs independently Meanwhile, Britain keeps shittin’ on us endlessly Essentially, they tax us relentlessly Then King George turns around, runs a spending spree He ain’t ever gonna set his descendants free So there will be a revolution in this century Enter me!

(He says in parentheses)

Don’t be shocked when your history book mentions me I will lay down my life if it sets us free Eventually, you’ll see my ascendancy

And I am not throwing away My shot (My shot) I am not throwing away My shot (My shot) Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot (And I’m not throwing away my shot)

I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot It’s time to take a shot!

I dream of life without a monarchy The unrest in France will lead to ‘onarchy? ‘Onarchy? How you say, how you say, oh, ‘Anarchy’! When I fight, I make the other side panicky With my

Shot!

Yo, I’m a tailor’s apprentice And I got y’all knuckleheads in loco parentis I’m joining the rebellion ’cause I know it’s my chance To socially advance, instead of sewin’ some pants! I’m gonna take a

Shot!

And but we’ll never be truly free Until those in bondage have the same rights as you and me (That’s right!) You and I. Do or die. Wait ’til I sally in On a stallion with the first black battalion Have another

Shot!

Geniuses, lower your voices You keep out of trouble and you double your choices I’m with you, but the situation is fraught You’ve got to be carefully taught: If you talk, you’re gonna get shot!

Burr, check what we got Mister Lafayette, hard rock like Lancelot I think your pants look hot Laurens, I like you a lot Let’s hatch a plot blacker than the kettle callin’ the pot… What are the odds the gods would put us all in one spot Poppin’ a squat on conventional wisdom, like it or not A bunch of revolutionary manumission abolitionists? Give me a position, show me where the ammunition is!

Oh, am I talkin’ too loud? Sometimes I get over-excited, shoot off at the mouth I never had a group of friends before I promise that I’ll make y’all proud

Let’s get this guy in front of a crowd

I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot

I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot

Everybody sing: Whoa, whoa, whoa (Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!) Hey! Whoa! (Whoa!) Wooh! Whoa! (Whoa!) Ay, let ’em hear ya! (Yeah!) Let’s go!

(Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!) I said shout it to the rooftops! (Whoa!) Said, to the rooftops! (Whoa!) Come on! (Yeah!) Come on, let’s go!

Rise up! When you’re living on your knees, you rise up Tell your brother that he’s gotta rise up Tell your sister that she’s gotta rise up

When are these colonies gonna rise up? When are these colonies gonna rise up? (Whoa!) When are these colonies gonna rise up? (Whoa!) When are these colonies gonna rise up? (Whoa!) Rise up!

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory When’s it gonna get me? In my sleep? Seven feet ahead of me? If I see it comin’, do I run or do I let it be? Is it like a beat without a melody? See, I never thought I’d live past twenty Where I come from some get half as many Ask anybody why we livin’ fast and we laugh, reach for a flask We have to make this moment last, that’s plenty

Scratch that This is not a moment, it’s the movement Where all the hungriest brothers with something to prove went. Foes oppose us, we take an honest stand We roll like Moses, claimin’ our promised land And? If we win our independence? Is that a guarantee of freedom for our descendants? Or will the blood we shed begin an endless Cycle of vengeance and death with no defendants?

I know the action in the street is excitin’ But Jesus, between all the bleedin’ ‘n fightin’ I’ve been readin’ ‘n writin’ We need to handle our financial situation Are we a nation of states? What’s the state of our nation?

I’m past patiently waitin’. I’m passionately Smashin’ every expectation Every action’s an act of creation! I’m laughin’ in the face of casualties and sorrow For the first time, I’m thinkin’ past tomorrow.

And I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot

We’re gonna rise up! (Not throwing away my shot) Time to take a shot! We’re gonna rise up! (Not throwing away my shot) Time to take a shot! We’re gonna (Rise up! Rise up!) It’s time to take a shot! (Rise up! Rise up!) It’s time to take a shot! (Rise up!) (Rise up!) (Woooah!) It’s time to take a shot! (Rise up!) Take a shot! Shot! Shot! A-yo it’s time to take a shot! Time to take a shot! And I am not throwing away my Not throwing away my shot!

Credit: Screen capture via YouTube.com.

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[lilkathlean]

Biography: Spoken Word

My name is Kathleen

My name is Kathleen but that’s not my real name that’s just what was written on my birth certificate

My name is Kathleen but I do not know that name, I do not associate that name as I do with anything else

My name is Kathleen and it is a beautiful name that came from a probably beautiful woman but although it’s my beautiful name it is not my name

My name is Kathleen but my name is actually Katie

I’m sixteen

I’m sixteen and I’ve been sixteen for just under a month and do not have my permit

I’m sixteen and don’t have my permit because I need a physical paid for by the insurance I don’t have

I don’t have insurance because I don’t live with either of my parents so when I go to get glasses or for a doctors appointment at the Walmart clinic 30 miles away it is paid for out of pocket by grandma or on my aunts TASC card

The lack of insurance means I’ve got billions of ideas about what’s wrong with my brain but no licensed professional to get a diagnosis from

I’ve been self diagnosed (and online diagnosed of course) with depression and anxiety and sometimes I purposely miss out on things due to what may or may not be those illnesses

I’ve been unprofessionally diagnosed with Aspergers

Aspergers is a variety of autism in which you cannot read social cues or know the right thing to say at the right time

I have a very large problem with texture and my grandma says that only kids with autism have texture problems

As you can assume I have ruined plenty of conversations on many different occasions

I don’t have a boyfriend

I don’t have a boyfriend because the last one I did have was crazy, lazy, and gross

His mental instability has made me wary of another boyfriend because boys in my town are only racist and hot or fake not racist and ugly and smelly (the last one)

Or gay

My friend Kaleb falls under gay because I feel like when he was being made they made 1/2 of a gay man but then forgot what they were doing and made him like girls instead

I also don’t have a boyfriend because I find other people my age and in my are repulsive, boring, and racist

I get bored easily because it’s the same person always and I was not meant to be tied down

Once somebody shows you their true colors don’t try to paint a better picture with them because you will only destroy yourself in the long run

I am scarily similar to my aunt in most aspects of life

Physically and mentally

It’s because we’re only 18 years apart and she has basically raised me (as well as my grandma and my parents put in some effort as well just not as much)

We talk and act the same

As my grandma says “one of you will lie and the other one would swear to it” which is completely true

We dress similar buying out clothes at Maurice’s, JC Penney’s, Hot Topic sometimes

We both love shopping, cities, and music from the 60’s, especially The Beatles

We both love buying makeup and beauty products especially mascara and eyelash curlers

She has dated stalkers, alcoholics, and the like

Because she’s drawn to broken people to try and fix them and make them something way better than what they are

She says it’s called codependency

Although I’ve only had one serious boyfriend I fear I will follow in the same path

I knew there was a lot wrong with him in the beginning because what normal 16 year old has no life goals, tries to start a gang with his three almost but not quite friends, and threatens to start doing coke when you can’t come watch Moonrise Kingdom with him

He enjoyed getting carelessly high and sloppily drunk and after we were done he posted about me all over social media because the end was just oh so sudden and unexpected

Him and his friends told people I dumped him to sleep with the new kid, which I would never do because he is an ass

Yes they also told the new kid

I don’t have what can be considered talents.

I don’t have talents because I don’t stick with hobbies long enough for them to stick with me

I don’t stick with them long enough because if I’m not instantly good at something I quit

I quit because I’m afraid of failure

I am over emotional on almost all levels especially when I shouldn’t be

I have cried at every live event I’ve been too

Warped Tour because it was my little emo dream to go

Disney musicals because I felt genuinely sorry for the beast and because I also got my picture taken with the cast of the little mermaid

Willy Wonka live because of the song Cheer up Charlie and those Oompa Loompas were just too dang cute

Plaid Tidings because they were all dead and they asked me what year it was

Etcetera

I cry really hard before closing night in the green room as well

However to counteract that I have spent multiple nights awake for long periods of time just laying

Staring at the top bunk letting numbness and silence seep into me

Not crying, not speaking, not even really thinking

Just counting my breaths and how many times I’ve caught myself chewing on my inner lip

Asking myself questions like how long have I been clenching my teeth and why does my jaw feel so tight

Much like tonight