#also that entire bit just does something to my brain /pos

[supernovaa-remnant]

It took me a while to make out what wilbur said during the auto-tuned but of Melatonin 130, but him saying “why the fuck do I still self sabotage when I’m finally happy?” is sooo relatable </3

there’s a certain appeal to sadness, I think, that can be hard to escape

[snekdood]

wish i didnt hafta cut off my conservative family members but they were all so abusive that I can hardly tolerate being around them

[edgeray]

*presses my face against your tank* HELLO RAY !!! :D I AM FINALLY HERE !! MY BRAINCELLS HAVE COLLIDED AND PRODUCED A THOUGHT !!

or, er, sort of? more like a vague vibe, but i digress. basically, consider: pining arle. how does she realize her feelings for you? how does she cope? how does her behaviour around you change? does it? what is she thinking the whole time? when would she consider making a move? essentially i would like to see you psychologically pick apart this woman. go as in depth into her brain or inner monologue as you want !!! the set dressing can be canon or an au, i’ll eat it up regardless :)) and as a professional angst writer i know you can write some absolutely monstrous (/pos) yearning and i’m frothing at the mouth thinking about it 🤤🤤🤤 lookin forward to your thoughts but also take your time with it !!! godspeed 🫡🫡🫡

An Unfit Role 

(Arlecchino x GN! Reader)

A/N - Oh sev… you spoil me too much. You truly do. Somehow this turned into very ‘Arlecchino is a person'-esque and I don't know how but oh well. I don't know if this answered your questions very well, but hopefully this is what you mean by psychologically picking apart her! Was this enough pining? Content warnings / info - uhh none I think. just a lil bit of angst, 1.4k words

Arlecchino is many things. The Fourth Fatui Harbinger, a Snezynayan diplomat, the head of the House of the Hearth, and simply ‘'Father.’ She takes on many roles, and enforces them with an iron fist, every facade meticulously practiced and rationalized. Perfected as if she were an actor on a stage, every action and step is calculated beforehand. And if external factors or unpredictable variables crop up in the midst of her play? Well, a good actor knows how to improvise. Arlecchino is well aware of her roles, has memorized the lines and drilled through every movement. The Knave has many feats from each character she plays. A flawless performer, in those aspects.

A lover is not a character she can play. Someone who loves. It is a role that she cannot hope to touch, one she cannot imagine assigning herself too. She is far too inexperienced in what it pertains to. Her perception would grossly mischaracterize it, painting a rather crude display of what she knows of but doesn't know. After all, how could one act without an adequate example? No actor would want to showcase a poor impression of an original source material, an actor presents only their most remarkable qualities. A good actor knows what they cannot act, and it is this where her talents reach their limit. It is what her role as a ‘Father’ stems from; this inability to express something far too fragile and flimsy for her to hold. 

Of the few showcases of others playing the role, Arlecchino is knowledgeable enough that they are simply inept showcases. The Tsaritsa, who has shown the capability to act, and yet chooses to conceal her abilities from her audience. Crucabena, an unqualified actor, whose words dripped with far too much venom for the soft-spoken voice that she used. Perhaps Clervie was the only accurate and genuine actor able to play the part, but one cannot appreciate the traits of an unfinished story. And the naive Peruere, who could hardly imitate her counterpart, was maimed by Arlecchino’s own hands. It is here that she learns that the role of a lover earns no applause, because it adds little to the plot, and so it lacks a function in her story.  

Despite this, she finds herself in this scene, where she plays a character unlike her usual, an entirely new character involuntarily thrusted into her by the cruel machinations of her mind. 

It is a subtle thing. First, she was just the Knave to you. But somehow, among your presence, her facade slips, and she dons another character. 

She becomes a character who knows of nothing but the way her sight is captured by a singular person, a character whose dead heart begins to beat, daring to flutter back to life after it was painfully wrenched out of her chest by her favorite story's ending. She becomes acutely aware of this role when her eyes linger on you a moment longer than need be, when she indulges your empty but no less engaging conversations, when she familarizes herself with the particular fauna scent you carry. When she closes her eyes, your smile flashes through her mind, she knows she's fallen. 

An actor knows when to quit, when they misfit the character they're performing. And yet her mind remains stubborn. Acting a role one does not fit will only damage the actor's reputation, and she intends on abandoning it. But it is difficult for her to dismiss how much she yearns for a warmth that the blood flames in her veins cannot bring. It is difficult to deny that she is not momentarily blinded and stunned by your beaming expression, even when you are not looking at her. It is increasingly more difficult to control the pulsing underneath her skin. This is a character she cannot control, instead, it often feels that the character controls her. 

It is an unseemly, disgusting appearance for her. If it were physically possible, she would plunge her very own cursed, clawed hands into her chest, to grasp onto this fickle, volatile organ and crush it just to exhaust the remaining embers of a futile hope. If only it were as simple as that. Love is far too much of a complicated role for her, and yet it is somehow inescapable. Some sort of torment placed onto her by the archons. 

She can long, she can reach, she can prance around you, but never can she touch. For love imprints its scorch marks deeper than any weapon or assault. One of the lessons her story has concluded to. 

So, instead, she reduces its role to a minor character. She lets her stares remain, but she observes you from a distance. She does not dawdle a second longer besides you if she needn't be. She dresses the role of a lover as an observer. Everything she touches with these wretched, blackened hands soon turns into nothing but embers and ashes, and so the only way that you will remain is away from her.

On her desk, sits a vase with a single flower. It is your favorite flower, the flower that you smell of. It does not move from its place, nothing is done to it besides being watered. Its stem is so brittle, and the petals are far too easy to wither away.

(It is a reminder, every time she sits at her desk. Oh, how'd she like to stroke the patels with as much tenderness as she could muster. How'd she like to cradle it in her hands, this source of life, despite being so delicate, is so beautiful. How'd she like to be able to wake up everyday, and view upon this blossoming flower. But she is not a gardener. She knows nothing of how to make a flower bloom.) 

Humans are the only viable actors for the role of a lover. A curse is not. 

(In her dreams, sometimes you are in place of Clervie. Yet, like Clervie, the only moment she is able to cradle you is when her sword impales you. She will not let another flower wilt, she will not burn another flower.)

It is why you baffle her. Why do you gaze upon her with that expression, as if her claws are not one one more inch from piercing your skin and ripping into your flesh? How do you take her hands in yours, somehow slotting them as if they were always meant to, when they’re soiled with vulgar blood? Her cutting words and sharp tongue, how do they not dissuade you? How do you see her blackened skin, and not be driven away by such a mark of impurity and depravity? 

How could you not tell that she is improper for the role that you seek?

She wonders if a flower is a poor description of you. She wonders if you are instead a Sundew ensnaring a spider, unwilling to let it escape. No, perhaps that is not fitting for you, because you are unaware how effortlessly she can char you–unaware of the imminent danger that comes with keeping such a venomous creature.

Arlecchino is many things. She is a coward, if only for you. She cannot abandon her role, but she cannot perform better, floating in the state of inadequacy that she so despises. Playing a lover makes her foolish, and it is a compromising role. 

She is foolish, but she is despicable. She is selfish. And though she is perfect actor, even performers must fail to succeed. One day, her mental will and patience crumbles. She requests you into her office, your doe-eyed expression widens when she gives you the flower that sits lone in a glass vase on her desk. She tells you that you plague her thoughts, every feeling and emotion is muddied when they concern you, a culmination of things not within her grasp, not within her control. 

It is your performance that finally teaches her what she lacked before: playing the role of a lover requires another. It is a role dependent on another character, otherwise it cannot succeed. It matters not how experienced one is with the other, as long as the characters are committed to it.

There is another lesson that she learned from you.

“I cannot act as a lover.”

“Why must you act to love me?”

Love is a fickle, unpredictable thing. There is no words to be practiced, no actions to be scripted. 

Arlecchino is many things. A lover may be one of them. 

[e-hibiscus]

I was cleaning up my contacts this morning and an idea spawned in my brain after i saw some of my notes i have for people

More Cinnabar content for the masses‼️‼️✊🗣️ Cinnabar nation RISE UP

Sfw utc

Thinking about how Cinnabar would have a note page, on her phone, about all the things you like. Maybe it can be little journal dedicated to you? 🤭 i can see her having either of them. Like, she records what foods you enjoy, how you like your coffee/tea, your regular orders, etc.

She jots them all down saving it in your contacts or something 😭 Whenever you even say something in passing, she’s gonna take note and remind herself to write that down cause its for you 🥺 she remembers without it but she has them just incase.

She’ll even has a little section dedicated to possible date plans. You said you wanted to watch a movie coming out in a couple months? Cinnabar has the date when they drop in theaters. She’ll get tickets for the two of you to go together. There’s a restaurant you want to try? Well, Cinnabar has made reservations and will take you there when the two of you are free!

She remembers every important date🗣️!!! Cinnabar is the type of lady who would get flowers on your first month anniversary, and continue getting them every month on that same day 🥺 she absolutely smitten with you

Continue sitting with me on this. The next time you have a bad day, you see your favorite snacks and flowers on the table with Cinnabar already on the couch with your favorite comfort movie/show at the ready. You didn’t mention anything, but Cinnabar caught on from how irritated you were during a videocall so she does all this for you 😣

Snuggling with Cinnabar, you get to relax and wind down with the softest gf known to man. Cinnabar listens attentively about your day, letting you rant a bit but not dwell too much on those negative emotions. Cinna gets to have her arm around your shoulder, and she can turn to give you a kiss on the top of the head 😵‍💫

Imagine catching her writing things down? Your talking and when things wrap up, and you get up to go use the washroom you get a peak at Cinnabar’s phone. You see the wall of notes with your nickname at the top. Cinnabar even put a goddamn emoji that reminds her of you 😭

It may just be me projecting, but Cinnabar would explode/pos if you mention her little notepad of things. Babygirl would be so embarrassed being caught with pages worth of things she written down about/for you. Cinnabar is a little scared you’ll think she’s weird for writing everything down, but you assure her it’s nothing weird. If anything, that’s one of the most endearing thing ever!

She would hide her face in a pillow, but also let you see her entire list of things she has for you. It’s such a sweet and intimate thing, but a good memory the two of you share with eachother. Give Cinnabar lots of kisses and show how much you love her, because this woman can and will go above and beyond for you 🥺

[isa-ghost]

I need the headcanons, Isa. I need them like I need air. (I also have had very little time to watch QSMP overall, so all of my q!Phil info comes from you) -River

OH FUCK I WASN'T EXPECTING TO GET MULTIPLE ASKS ABOUT THEM. /POS

Here's Headcanon Set 1

NOW MORE

He's an expert at playing stupid. I don't have any actual situations from canon off the top of my head to apply this to, but his wits are sharp enough for him to pull it off when shit isn't explosively hitting the fan

He hates not being able to fly, flying is/was the main way he would de-stress. Nothing makes him feel lighter than the breeze in his feathers and a breathtaking view

This man's commitment to The Bit is so underestimated. If The Bit was a person, it'd be part of his polycule. People just overlook his ability to commit to a bit because he has to personally find the bit worth committing to

Obligatory Shiny Good Crow Brain mention. Why do you think his backpacks need sorting like once every few weeks (though he neglects them for longer than that)? And shiny is not always literal. Sometimes it means flowers or pretty types of wood or a neat mob.

Every once in a while someone can get him to laugh in a way that Almost sounds like a squawk. He doesn't know how it happens, it's like an involuntary snort laugh, but with cawing.

Unfortunately for him, playfully raising his blood pressure (stares at the kids, Tubbo, the polycule, some others) is kinda funny. It's the way he gets louder the more exasperated he gets.

He has 100% slept so hard that he snored loud enough to earn a kick in the side from Chayanne

Speaking of sleep, this idiot will pass out in that wooden chair and then wake up in the morning and bitch about his neck aching as if he isn't the reason it's aching. Lullah especially has roasted him for this

His dedication to Chayanne and Lullah can go unmentioned bc it's just so obvious but I need everyone to understand it's not just how he'd burn the island to ashes for them. It's also how he'd stop mid-tea party with Lullah, Pomme & Co, dressed the whole nine yards in a tutu, tiara & obnoxious amounts of pretend jewelry to beat the ever-loving SHIT out of a threat

At first Irish Goodbyes were unintentional (which is what made them so funny) but now it's become one of the biggest bits he's committed to. This man loves embodying that gif of the dude going ��🏻 and vanishing.

Lullah totally told him about the Duolingo "It's Spanish or Vanish" meme. It won't leave his head now

Anytime he does the reverb voice or something he is pulling a megaphone out of his backpack and yelling into it

Because I forgot it in the first hc set and it's too funny for me not to include, I must once again tap the sign that says "Phil and Fit fuck nasty behind Fit's gym." Why do you think the shit Fit says like "big boy" gets such a reaction out of Phil? He's heard it elsewhere

He thinks he has too much self-respect to do it but if he didn't, he'd 100% be the dad to dab or whip-nae nae just to make Chayanne and Lullah faceplant on the ground out of embarrassment

Speaking of faceplanting, Lullah is so good at timing when she does it, it absolutely kills Phil every time. It's like one of the Top 5 ways to get him to crack up

Calling back to the Bit Commitment hc: "The 4th Wall" is a bit he made up and won't stop referencing. It's not that he's fail rping in meta, he's getting conspiracy-style existential as a joke and that's why Lullah hates it so much

Stealing this one from my hcs about my angel OC inspired by Phil: If you put him in water, his wings will involuntarily flap like a bird in a bath. It isn't nonstop, it's like a stim he can't help doing every so often.

He loves Rose so much. She instantly makes him feel safe. He regularly has to resist the urge to passionately gush about her to people because he knows they'd be like What The Fuck Are You On About. Rose is blorbo from his brain (little does he know, she isn't entirely)

He likes to pretend he isn't, but he's sentimental as hell. Why do you think he hasn't changed the ugly dirt shack? Why do you think he has so many backpacks of stuff? He's got that crow hoarder brain but he also just attaches to things to easily. Nostalgia and love for history has him in a death grip. Little does he know, it's a trait he's kept from his past

Speaking of his past, until I get canon story explaining otherwise, in my mind he IS hardcore!Phil but the Federation wiped his memory after somehow managing to invite him to the island. The Ender King & Rose's arrivals into qsmp canon are two very different ways of attempting to trigger his memories. What he thinks are dreams are actually those forgotten memories of what he was doing before coming to the island

Okay that's long enough, look out for a third set because I got another ask waiting for more >:)

EDIT: Here's Set 3 :D

[kagoutiss]

Actually I'm not done talking about your Ganondorf yet, he's so blorbo/pos, this man wants power but has to put up with so much shit that he makes everyone else put up with his shit too. 10/10 also I would like to kiss him please

FIRST OF ALL THANK YOU AGAIN AAA, SECOND OF ALL you’re so right about this that i ended up…writing many paragraphs of character analysis about him in this regard because this activated something in my brain. like about him inflicting shit on other people because of the shit that’s inflicted on him, and how much i’ve thought about that. i have so many feelings about his shitty personality, i think a fundamental part of why i love him is that he is…literally an asshole and he’s kind of impulsive and often terrible to people for no reason and he’s probably genuinely unbearable to be around even if you are close to him, but i think he is that way by virtue of the COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE REALITY that he lives in?? like.

ok so. i feel like OoT ganondorf is AS unpredictable & unreasonable & unpleasant as the circumstances that he lives with. we’re talking about someone who was not only born into the role of king of a nation that’s been generationally abused by Hyrule since the start of a centuries-long war predating OoT, but he’s also become accustomed to fighting against the Sheikah of that time period, who notably still had an immense technological advantage, and apparently inherit divine knowledge from the gods, and are capable of making evidence of their crimes against humanity just sort of…DISAPPEAR from the sight of most average people??? and also they. fucking invented time travel apparently

one of my favorite bits of really underrated OoT lore is how the Composer Brothers (who you can speak to as ghosts in the Kakariko Graveyard) were hired at some point by the royal family to study the powers of the royal bloodline, and they invented the Sun’s Song, which accelerates time, turns night to day, etc. a form of time travel, in essence. and. canonically. the Composer Brothers committed suicide when they found out ganondorf was going to try to steal their completed research. maybe to prevent him from torturing the the information out of them even if they destroyed it? which is a completely fucking batshit piece of lore that i still cannot believe exists

but imo it also gives a bit more context as to how desperate ganondorf probably was at the heel end of the civil war, or whenever this happened. he was literally having to contend with people who can fucking time travel, and to some extent, alter reality at will, superficially or otherwise. i’m not at all surprised that he has a tendency to 1) hold grudges forever and remember everything that’s ever been done to him, and 2) obsess over stealing the full Triforce, the one chance that any regular mortal has at changing their reality in a fundamental way. i think it’s probably difficult to make real personal connections when you’ve always been constantly at risk of losing anything & everything that you care about, in a way that may or may not affect whether those things had ever existed in the first place

i also feel like he PREFERS to be demonized/label himself really hyperbolic things like the King of All Evil and stuff because it’s…the opposite of what Hyrule does. Hyrule makes itself out to be this Supremely Benevolent Institution That Is Chosen By The Gods And Can Do No Wrong, while simultaneously disappearing its naysayers underground and torturing them and killing them and committing genocide against any territories that refuse to be absorbed under the Hyrulean banner. i don’t think Ganondorf cares whether his actions are necessarily good or evil, but i think that to him, the most abhorrent thing in existence is a thing that claims to be good when it isn’t.

so. he presumably spent his entire early life having to fend off the ever-looming bootheel of Hyrule’s royal family, while their army and their secret police were actively destroying the Gerudo and then gaslighting them all about it on an Existential Level. like. yeah no i think him having immense issues and…projecting the lack of control that he feels onto people around him, and being fully defined by his ambitions to take the triforce, and wanting people to despise him/see him as fundamentally evil, and him being sort of incapable of forming genuine connections with people, is…kinda par for the course with that agdkahkfjagajfhs

[personwithatophat]

Intresting concepts, I love where you're going with that idea. I needed some expansion on that ngl and you fully cooked there /pos (Also hi Tophat)

What thoughts do you have on the idea Austin can see everything/the fact he either has no filter or a broken filter? Why would he be given this ability by Showfall besides the idea of an entertainment asset?

Hello! o/ thank you and good followup because austin is my crutch so i appreciate making me take it head on. (feel free to challenge my theories it helps me build them! :] ) As for austins filter being broken, I think the theory is good but incomplete. Austin does have a filter and has involvement, but it clearly works differently. in fact most of the 'filter items' have their own rules that they go by, its not a uniform model.

and a bit of this has to do with just how the show works sneegs hat isn't wired into his skull because he takes it off a couple times during the show or moves it around charlie has some kind of base program where he can run multiple items at once since during episode 2 he was wearing the glasses and the headphones and there are theories that details like this such as placement, hardware, etc have an effect on the items' limitations. for example, sneeg doesn't have surgically implanted hardware so he can't run two items like Charlie can and when they try, it shorts out and we get the ep 2 hat scene. or that other cast members couldn't be 'The Hero' since ranboos mask is necessary and capable of more complex sequences. that being said I've seen people speculate that Austins item is his jacket, which is entirely possible but it makes it confusing when he actually takes it off in the dressing room. so I'm going to pivot to the theory that he doesn't have a formal item. "so he doesn't have a filter?" not what I said. During the beginning of ep 2 before sneeg gets soft rebooted he doesn't actually have a filter item either and is still very much in character, he doesn't even recognize ranboo, we have hard proof that this is possible. and we know Austin is filtered/playing a character just by how he's acting in general. Austin as a showfall media victim has no reason to lie about having a wife and several children. why wouldn't he have a formal item? maybe because he was originally written to get double-tapped in Nikki's place in scene 1. Its very up for interpretation still but I believe a lot of this stems from the way that Austin is compared. Specifically how he gets compared to ranboo and sneeg when Ethan dies. i would like to counterpoint this with the way that Austins character is built for the episode. desperate, afraid, ......straight. but at the same time, he stalls to catwalk in the closet, mouthes off to puzzler questioning him having children, and is also very gay. so I think there might be some difference in writing. So yes, Austin is the only one who has a normal and more aware response to Ethan's death. Austin is also the only one there that isn't 3 layers deep in meta.

during this moment Austin is the only one freaking out but consider the company. ranboo is an NPC at this point. he got factory reset and basically has a cap over free thought, right now the only thing in his brain is the objective to go through the show. Austin is still in his role of character trying to escape this actual saw trap he's stuck in, his panic is as warranted in character as it is out so he panics and when the others don't it freaks him out more. sneeg on the opposite side of the spectrum is knee-deep in lethargy. sneeg is actually the one seeing everything how it is and can't respond to any of it so he doesn't care about anything anymore. after his soft reboot sneeg can still see but he's confined to the roll, I want to make a separate sneeg post because he's actually the one I think people view Austin as. so yeah I think that Austin has something going on but I think it's a step to the left of the current theories. sneeg is where the real awareness is feel free to ask me for any clarification on this since I jumped around a lot or if you have other questions/theories because this is epic :D -Tophat

[musicalmoritz]

On average how long does it take you to write a fic? I see you post pretty often on ao3 so I was just wondering if you had any tips to write faster? you make it seem so effortless lol/pos

I must confess, I’ve been procrastinating on finishing a fic for a few weeks now…nonetheless I do have some tips!

So the brutal truth here is that when I really want to get something written I don’t sleep LMAO. Usually I’ll stay up until 4:00 AM writing, but I haven’t been able to do that lately because I’ve been trying to prioritize a healthy sleep schedule. It’s better to start writing early so you don’t stay up half the night, that can actually make things more difficult as after a certain hour your brain will just shut off (at least that’s what happens for me)

The length it takes me to write a fic depends on the type of fic, if it’s 3-4K I can usually knock it out in a day or two, unless I’ve been putting it off. If it’s 9-12k it takes me a couple of days, though I have written fics that length in one sitting before. Again, I do crazy work between the hours of 8:00 PM and 4:00 AM. If it’s anything near 20k it usually takes me a few months, especially if I have a lot going on irl at the time. My longest fic was 52k and I pretty much wrote that through the winter. Right now I’m working on one that’s meant to end at around 15k and I already have 12k of it written, but I ramble so it might come out a bit longer

Okay now onto actual productive tips. In my experience, the best way to write a lot is literally just to spill all your thoughts onto the page. Yap like your life depends on it. If I’m writing the character experiencing something I have a lot of opinions on, I’ll spend several paragraphs just talking about that. Some of my best and longest fics come from me straight up venting into a Google Doc. It’s like a diary except no one can tell how much is the character’s pov and how much is me working out my own problems. If you think you ranted too much, you can always go back and delete some later

It’s also good to try and always be writing. One of my Mitsukou fics was written almost entirely between breaks at work. I bring my computer with me if I’m going somewhere over night. I’ll write while I’m waiting for a class to start, and in between classes- especially if I have a long break. I write a paragraph or two on the toilet sometimes. And also be thinking about the characters a lot, I’m hyperfixated on tbhk rn so these little losers are always on my mind; so when I sit down to write, I’ve already written most of the fic in my head. Share your own headcanons and analysis, people love reading that stuff. Don’t be afraid to get creative and take a few liberties, most readers are subconsciously longing for new things in their fics

Also don’t stress yourself out too much about what you post! Fanfic is best when it’s written for your own enjoyment above anyone else’s. Sometimes I get too caught up in what other people will think of my fics and forget I have total control over everything I write. If you worry too much about making your work “perfect,” you’ll never want to write. Make yourself your main target audience, it makes the process way more fun

I hope some of this helped you!! Thank you for your ask, this gave me the motivation to work on my wip. I’m also currently writing fics for every day of Aoinene Week so it’s been busy. A good fic playlist also helps, it helps you better envision the world you’re writing. Recently I’ve been basing my fics off specific music artists which gets me really invested. Happy writing :)

[productofaritual]

limbo rant ^__^

limbo is a terrible time for cranboo, the worst of his entire life. at first he’s told that he’ll be okay and because people CARE, he’ll be out of there in no time. and he’s a pretty optimistic guy. so he believes ghostboo in thinking it’ll be okay soon and he’ll get back to his family. and he doesn’t. after a year in limbo time, he starts to get a little worried, but is reassured by his ghost. he makes excuses for the first few years, knowing time moves faster here so they don’t understand that it’s a while for HIM. ghostboo keeps assuring him people care and will try to get him back. except they never do. and cranboo wonders if anyone ever cared at all. if ctubbo ever cared. if ctommy ever cared. if ANYONE he thought was his friend or at least cared about him at least a little bit ever truly did. and if they did, it wasn’t ever enough. and he’s left alone with something that hurts him for over three decades. he’s miserable. in my mind— he doesn’t get any sleep. barely any. a few hours a week, if he’s lucky. and you know. if you have those kinds of sleeping habits for an extended period of time, you start to hallucinate. he doesn’t know what’s real anymore. if he’s real. if anything before this was real or if it was all a dream he’s lost and will maybe forget. he has little to no proper social interactions— the only one being the one briefly with mexican dream. he doesn’t know how to talk to people anymore when he’s finally out. he has no brain stimulation— nothing to do for 33 and a half years. he has NOTHING to do, really. everything he was originally doing to pass the time became boring or maybe it made him so upset. because no one ever actually cared about him. he tries to kill himself. because there has to be something else. this can’t be it. he only gets around sixteen feet underwater before he’s coming up for air with his entire body burning. and it never seems to stop. when he gets out, he deals with the lasting effects for his whole life. michael worries about him so much. cranboo wakes up in the middle of the night thinking he’s back, and he’s horrified every time. he always has to usher michael back to bed because michael can hear him scream from the other room. cranboo forgets he’s a person. forgets how to be a person. people find him weird but he’s just dealing with the effects of death. he can’t look in mirrors anymore because he can’t recognize himself. he’s no longer optimistic, and almost everything that made cranboo himself has been taken away from him because of 33 and a half years of torture. he’s the most awkward he’s ever been and barely knows how to hold a proper conversation, specifically with strangers, and it just makes him kind of unapproachable . he truly forgets that he’s an actual person because those years were so dehumanizing it’s like he was never human in the first place. he can’t sleep most nights and can’t take care of himself that well but does his best with michael. luckily he can manage a lot better because he’s getting older. even a decade after limbo, he still gets nightmares, and he’s still scared. but he’s better

:D Oh :D Wow :D Okay :D he's just having a grand ol time :D

Also depending on what sort of water burn system you're going off, that whole jumping in the water could only burn his skin off. Like. Nothing else just the skin. Which is fucking horrifying and please forget I said that because knowing you, you fucking angst Lord /pos, if you don't have a concrete plan that idea will get added and I can't afford everyone's therapy bills if that happens

...This fucking guy. Spent ALMOST TWICE the amount of time in limbo than he did alive. I need a minute to process that. Maybe a bit more than a minute. Maybe, I dunno, 33 years, give or take. "It gets worse before it gets better" PLEASE DO ENLIGHTEN ME, HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GET ANY BETTER

[jade-of-mourning]

hiiii lychee :))

as you can see I have too much free time on my hands. but I have a decent amount to say today, so prepare yourself

I’m gonna try and keep this organized and maybe short so 1: do you have any more thoughts on the avatar mako au to share because it’s been rolling around in my brain a lot and I want to know what you have to say about it bcs the way your brain works is so. hajdhskapxn/pos

2: mako learning to draw by engraving his parents’ faces in the dirt of an alleyway over and over and over for years even as he starts to forget their faces. mako who wishes he could’ve afforded paper and charcoal at eight to put down something permanent, something accurate. mako getting their family photo from yin and giving her the scarf, redrawing the picture on the nicest paper he can find to give to her as well. artist mako,, save me artist mako,,,

3: more fem mako thoughts but makorrasami love triangle/eventual polycule(?) except they’re all girls. I just feel like the pining after your team captain who you now do know is gay except it’s because she’s dating a rich girl who’s also very hot is just a whole lot more fun than what they had going on in canon because. girls but sports au. sooo in love w that. also I don’t think makorra would get together in b1 like canon did for a couple reasons. for one, the girl trauma in addition to general trauma of being a homeless orphan. touch and gestures of affection from a person she doesn’t know well yet would probably be a no-no, and korra seems like a very touchy person, just in the natural way that her space is yours and your space is hers. also her energy? like obviously mako would come around but korra in b1 is so much more excited about the world than mako and I think that would kind of, like, intimidate her. (<-also reasons makorra could’ve worked later on but not when they happened) but as the series progresses, korra mellows and mako gets used to her. it works.

but then how does masami happen so early? because asami is the moon to korra’s sun. she’s calm and a careful thinker and after korra’s exuberance breaks down mako’s walls a little bit, asami would be able to slip in being everything mako imagines herself wanting. also more than financially stable. so masami becomes a thing, and korra is jealous, but she’s not sure of who which I personally think is so funny

but yeah that’s basically it. I always love how you take my silly little commentary and give actual thoughtful replies, it makes my day 😭

with love

🐌

snailon! good to see you here haha i totally didn't die for like two weeks what fjsgjhjkgfhs (i'm so sorry i took so long that you thought you imagined this ask hhh)

okay i actually have not thought about it for a hot minute but get this… i get like 40 hours a week back because no more percussion! so i have so much time!!! dude i'm going to rewatch lok AGAIN and then brainrot some more. avatar mako's love hate relationship with the entire fucking world is the only thing about it in my head. i'm sorry i don't have a lot to say about this au right now :(( it'll happen,,, one day,,,,

oh! (sobbing!) personally i am a fan of aspiring writer mako but also artist mako is extremely valid and i love the hc's you've built around it :)

girl for girl for girl makorrasami is really the best version of it tbh! love all your thoughts and actually that's a hilarious angle of korra getting the Sapphic Confirmation but it's not a good thing bc the love interest is actually dating a girl who is NOT korra except oh shit this girl is also super hot and attractive. what the fuck is this. korra my favorite girl in the world ever you're allowed to like all the girls in the world if you want and no one has the right to fault you for it.

anyway thank YOU for always sharing your thoughts with me!! i love to hear it and i'm sorry there was such a delay bhjfjgfh i'll get to your other ask soon promise. my commentary is a little bit dead today but i wanted to get this out instead of leaving it rotting in my inbox forever because i promise i have been turning it over in my head for a minute now :P have a good day snailon!

[lussterpurge]

BOOM I figured I'll send the next one when I have a ton of songs... and now I have a ton of songs. So 1) Whatever it takes - imaginedragons M brain hardcore projects this on STEVEN of all people. I'm pretty sure if I tried I'll be able to get the vibes to qord, but as we've established I do not try. I specifically want to point out the bridge of the song. Alain and Ash also fit the song very well, but my brain refuses to consider anything other than Steven https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=cnRB2CgUpSw 2) Alive k-391 SPEAKING OF ASH, he would definitely sing this song if he sang songs. The chorus is literally just his entire worldview. He's singing this to Serena, Clemont, Alain, whoever you want. He owns this song https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=MiAYpRxXgH0 3) Question from Assassination Classroom ALAIN. It's literally just Alain. The english translation for one of the parts goes Yeah i get knocked down like this, everytime but what else can I do? /Your scathing serious voice cuts me like no one else ever could/ Thousands, tens of thousands of times, I've made my feelings clear/driven them in thrown them in but all you do is run Like. Look at me. Tell me this isn't him (you can't) https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=9oz-NhZOc0E 4) Unravel from Tokyo Ghoul Two anime songs? Sure, why not. I haven't listened to it in a bit but again, Alain vibes https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NMinvWBxmGs (I know its not yt music but I couldn't find a proper english ver on it) 5) Shelter - Porter Robinson Clemont time! Its kinda like Whatever it takes up above where we're not actually sure why, but like, its Clemont to me. Something about his relationship with Clembot and Meyer I think. https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=5UZ4V16d8eU

This was an entire essay and I kept thinking of more songs as I wrote this so, I should probably make a playlist. But I don't enjoy doing that also being able to rant about the songs is fun. My brain has assigned you as the music person. At the very least, I hope you can vibe to these

OKAY. I had to write these as I listened to the songs cause I have like short term memory loss but as a quick summary YEAH. These are very accurate and gut wrenching as a matter of fact. So.

1- I’d already listened to this song, and tbh revisiting it was awesome af. For Steven the lyrics that caught my eye were “Never be enough, I’m the prodigal son. I was born to run, I was born for this.” So YES. Very Steven-core.

2- Considering Ash is VERY selfless, yes! The lyrics do talk a lot about taking chances even if you don’t know what might happen, and knowing Ash this fits him well. He’s all about taking chances and going crazy with it. So yes !

3- I really can’t tell you it isn’t about him because it is. Alain is also, very selfless, but all because in my head he needs the constant approval from those around him. (Especially Lysandre, during his Team Flare days). So YES.

4- (eye twitch eye twitch/pos) this is awesome. This is VERY ALAIN CODED. The particular line that talks about being unbreakable gives me a LOTT of Alain vibes ‘cause he really does want to believe that!

5- this one made me ill but like in a good way. VERY ACCURATE. The lyrics r super gut wrenching too (at least for me) but this is rlly messed up but in a good way. YES!

TY FOR THESE 🫶

[fuckthisshitimin]

Hi, a bit random... I saw that post a couple of days ago (at least I think it was a couple of days ago idk time is weird) it was about what stands out as a signature thing in your art but it was phrased better than that - I just wanted to drop by and say for me every single one of your paintings and what I've read of your writing all have an entirely encompassing sense of raw unfiltered emotion - and i love it so much! It's like somehow by looking at your art and reading your writing Im the one being seen...?? idk if any of that makes any sense but yh ... just wanted to let you know and also say thanks so much for sharing your art with us

Okay, first of all how dare you make my day when my day is already good? /pos

Second of all, thank you so much. And yes, it does very much make sense! Even more delightful, it's what I try to do? Not as in 'I try to make people feel' but as in 'I try to show something deeply true to me, and I hope it finds the people that can connect with it', and so I am so very happy to read this. Thank you for saying it.

Just so you know, your words are etched in my brain forever.

[slovo-theshattered-onion]

My Self Blame Verges on Qualifying as Delusions* of Grandeur

cw: mentions of homelessness and (largely unrelated) self-blame

Picture, if you will, a situation. About 9pm on a Thursday, the train station; you are stressed after a week of work where you haven't yet done what you're paid for even once, on account of all the technical issues. You are also stressed about making your coworkers uncomfortable, and getting your supervisors in potential trouble, and the fact you haven't done the dishes so your flatmates must think terribly of you now- you could power a nuclear reactor with the tension, is what I'm saying.

Suddenly, a guy comes up to you. I swear if he tries to hit on us- he just needs directions, probably, smile, be nice.

He asks for some money to get food, as he's homeless and needs just about 4.50 for a meal. You don't have to, he says, and certainly not the entire sum. You have ten euros in your wallet, that is all the paper money you have. You probably don't have many coins- you spent them all weeks ago. Most of the cash you have, you have on card.

You tell him you don't have much but proceed to look in your backpack anyway. Selfish prick, just give him the ten euros. You find one ten cent coin. Apologetic, you give it to him, and look for more. He makes a joke about ladies' purses, clearly to ease your visible panic. Fucking hell, why can't I just have the body I want and have everyone fuck off about this lady shit.

You don't find anything more. You tell him so, apologise, awkwardly say 'ten cents is better than nothing, right?' like you don't have ten euros in your wallet and let him go on his merry way.

Your brain might as well be that gif of inner spongebobs running around with everything on fire. Selfish, stupid, weak, hypocrite, FIX IT, i can't very well chase him, THE FUCK YOU CAN. INTO HIGH GEAR YOU GO, c'mon, we can get more paper money if we need and it doesn't matter if people stare at us if some guy gets to eat.

You chase after him down the platform and fumble the giving of money, say you don't really need it anyway or something equivalent. Everyone is staring. You run away just as you came, halfway skipping and halfway power walking, maybe an anime run in the mix. Highly embarrassing.

What is your first thought(s) about this interaction now that it's done, dear reader?

I'll tell you what mine were.

Stupid bastard, you didn't show him proper humanity. You didn't give him much in terms of self-assurance, in terms of hope, in terms of validation. If he is cold on the streets in a year, you will be partly responsible. Insufferable, piece of shit, all that practice talking to people and you're still hopeless. You don't even donate to any of the fundraisers you see on tumblr, either. Fucking idiot.

I tried comforting ourselves, of course. Individualism is one hell of a drug, though, and never letting any self-praise- or praise in general, to be fair- stick certainly does a number on the psyche, so i don't think i really succeeded.

it doesn't matter cause this is just a demonstration. Everything is our fault if we were even tangentially involved. Thank u beautiful boyfriend for pointing that toxic belief of ours out, lmao, would not become cognizant of it so soon without your help /gen /pos

But yeah, point is that isn't an exception, that is our Normal. And today, on this tumblr post, we do solemnly swear to stop fucking doing that as much WHEEZE

it's not good for us and it's not good for others, stripping them of agency and treating them as incompetent children and fueling our self-loathing like crazy. So, we will,,, try to let go a bit. we deserve better, that isn't blasphemy to say. we won't hurt people if we don't misplace the responsibility for one guy's shitass life in the Crunching Orphans Machine like at least halfway on our shoulders.

that's obvi an extreme example and this isn't as black and white but i made my point. we need to 1) stop taking All the Responsibility Always and 2) fucking ask for recognition when we ARE responsible and did something useful and good for the people around us and/or ourselves.

like c'mon. improvement 1o1. you can't improve smth you have too little control over, lest of all alone. spend your energy wisely. you can't heal if you keep lashing the wounds for not closing faster.

all of us are fucking nerds lmao and tumblr is our theatre kid public diary. hell YEAH tbh

*'Delusions' here is almost certainly Not the clinically correct term, as far as we understand the definitions, but 'anxiety' was not cutting it and 'false belief' feels FAR too mild. if we had to put this on a scale i'd say this is like, halfway a clinical delusion and halfway severe c-ptsd. which tbh most lines in mental health study are blurred but- you get it

[link-alou]

@bitt-better (realized I forgot to fix it, so finally did that) HELLO HI. YOUR MIND /POS

Thank you for your interest!!! Genuinely, I haven’t thought too into the au. Though I do feel that Damian may be more prone to bullying? But also another part says not so much because, if we all had animal traits, wouldn’t you be interested if there was someone with a scorpion tail. But also, on my first point, you could technically call him an ‘early bloomer’, since it’s only bad bad situations that cause a person to gain the traits, it’s the body’s last defense mechanism. And some kids are more like to go “lol you’re probably so used to daddy’s money that something mildly inconvenient was your biggest threat ever”. I’d also say adults would be more prone to worry, since, “hey why does the very rich man have a child with animal traits despite him being so young”, though I’m sure the bats could come up with some sort of story as to why.

And the League of Assassins absolutely do try to manipulate what animals are nearby when they have the chance. Though it does get a bit tricky because most adults and teenagers in it have already gained their respective traits. So Damian, and anyone born in the League around that time, were sort of the first test? To see if the body would even accept a controlled variable, simply reach out to whatever seemed fit, or not react at all to a purposeful endangerment. Atm, I’ve been playing with the idea of Damian’s animal being an accident. Perhaps something happened during a spar that put him in genuine danger, and a scorpion was around. Though the idea of Ras wondering if a kid could harbor some kind of poison or stun is rather interesting. I’m playing with all sorts of ideas :3

I’m thinking maybe maybe animal traits can be hidden, though it takes constant focus to keep them away. It’s not something many people practice, no normal person’s going to teach their kid how to balance focusing on looking entirely human and focusing on everyday life. But the League of Assassins may, because what’s more trusting than someone that most defiantly hasn’t been in a risky situation yet. Though Damian wouldn’t hide his traits when meeting Bruce or his siblings, because he’ll feel threatened and in turn want to look threatening. No one wants to mess with a snappy kid that could actually harm you with his tail. So maybe I don’t need to brainstorm anything and Damian just makes himself look ‘normal’ when he goes to school and such. Maybe Bruce asked him because god is that man emotionally constipated and he doesn’t truly realize the weight of his words or what it could cause, or because there really won’t be many scorpion people in Gotham, so if his newest ward is one, and so is the newest Robin, he’ll be pretty easy to trace

In my opinion, I don’t think there’ll be much discrimination. Partially because I just don’t want to write it, and because it’s literally a source of trauma for every person. Sure there’ll always be someone willing to pick fun and push boundaries, but that’ll probably be as far as I’ll ever allow it to go. But if you really want, maybe people with prey animal traits are more wary towards those with predators and/or vice versa. Like someone with bird traits will get a little fidgety around, say, someone with dog or lion traits. It’s because there’s a little thing in their brain, pretty much a small replica of the respective animals slapped into a humans, telling them “danger danger danger” and the rest of the brain pays it very little mind.

You’re welcome to draw or write anything for this! I really love your thoughts and ideas, buddy. Tag me if you want but I might also stalk your page for dc content so I’ll prolly see stuff regardless.

This is all just me babbling, though. Again thanks for the interest, really got the brain juices flowing ₍^. ̫.^₎

Hello I am also in the DC fandom (you can probably tell from my page’s header). Take a quick doodle for a batfam au :3

I don’t remember if I dreamt the fic or if it actually exists, but the gist is: when a person is put in grave danger for the first time, they get the traits of whatever animal is closest to them. It only happens once, and sometimes people try to manipulate what animal another person gets the traits of, though it won’t always work.

Damian is a scorpion. What kind? I dunno! I just wanted to give him a stabby tail.

The art is when he was still getting used to Wayne Manor. Perhaps not violence-prone every second anymore, but still ready to lunge and stab. Due to him still being integrated into the family, there aren’t a whole bunch of clothes for him to wear yet; so I put the guy in an oversized red shirt that I’m pretending is a hand-me-down from Tim (I just want them to be brothers ok ☹️)

[vanillann]

the third rule debacle (emily prentiss x fem!reader)

a/n: this request spark something in me. also my wlw are always so soft omg it’s so cute 

word count: 1.9k

warning: swearing and sexual innuendos

emily prentiss masterlist

Emily Prentiss had three rules that she followed in her life, she normally didn’t like these types of rules but these three were important.

Rule one was never to let her mother know too much. She learned that the hard way after she told her mother about this boy she liked or thought she liked, and she invited his entire family to dinner to talk about it.

Rule two was never let Penelope say she’d be DD for a night out. She never actually stayed sober, she loved pretty drinks with umbrellas in them, and Emily didn’t mind being sober most nights.

Rule three was don’t ever date a coworker, which is something Emily was known for at FBI Headquarters. She just thought it made things messy and complex for no good reasons, close friends were great but anything more was a bad idea.

Until they got a new teammate from the CIA, who asked to work closely with fewer international crimes, who sat across from Emily with a sticky sweet smile that made Emily have a sweet tooth.

She hated rule three so much it was giving her stomach aches because she sat there like a goddess and Emily wondered why she even made this rule anyways. She was starting to look dumb every time she’d wink from the other side of the bullpen at her or when she told Morgan he “wasn’t her type” then turned to look at her.

“Come on Em, you’d look so hot together!” Pen moved her glass on the table, her word somewhat slurred and Emily was confused about how she was already wasted.

“I think I’m on Pen's side this time,” JJ tilted her head to Pen but never lost eye contact with Em. JJ was getting annoyed at the pinning, so annoyed she started ranting to Henry about it.

“I don’t date coworkers,” Emily played with the glass of water in front of her, playing with the droplets as they fell down to distract her from her own problem. Could it be easily solved? Yes. Would it be? Probably not.

“But what if she is your exception,” JJ spoke sincerely, so sincerely it scared Emily shitless.

Pen slammed her fist into the table, her mouth wide open as she sang “you are my only exception” and Emily recognized the song quickly. It was Hayley Williams for crying out loud.

“Who’s an exception?” Em looked over her shoulder at an overly confident Morgan and normally she would have loved to see him but it made her feel worse. Morgan was supposed to pick up (Y/N) which meant she was now here and Emily would be left pining for her all night.

“(Y/N),” JJ spoke softly, looking around Morgan to try and find the girl in question.

“She’s getting a drink over there.”

Emily looked to where Morgan’s finger pointed, smiling lightly when she spotted the girl leaned against the bar with a little smile on her face. Even under the rough bar lights over her head, she looked like something you’d rip from the magazine just to tap it to your wall.

She looked like everything Emily wanted in someone, minus working together.

“Just drop the silly rule,” Morgan dramatically rolled his eyes, watching Emily come back down to Earth.

“It’s not a silly rule, it’s serious!” Emily looked between her friends, hoping at least one would back her up but she was left empty-handed. She knew they were right, it wasn’t that serious but it felt serious. What if it ended in flames?

She already came to the team late, would they kick her off over this? Yeah, okay, maybe she was overthinking it but to Emily, this was the biggest reason she didn’t date coworkers.

“Ladies!”

(Y/N) came around the corner like a fast-moving bullet, her arms wrapping around JJ’s shoulder in a hurry. Her excitement bounced off her to Emily quickly, like it always did.

“(Y/N)! We were just talking about you!” Pen reached for the former CIA agent, her hand flying over her mouth as sound as she realized what she said.

“Glad to know I’m a topic of conversation,” she smiled slightly at Pen, squeezing her hand before she spun and spotted Emily watching her. A smile was quick grace on both of their lips, which just made the rest of the team's points made.

“How could we not talk about you,” Emily did her best for the comment not to come off too flirty but by JJ’s smirk she failed miserably.

“Well I hope it’s dirty like my martini,” the girl winked, smiling when the taller dude from the bar brought the drink over with a smile to the girl's energy. Emily shook her head and smiled to herself.

How couldn’t you adore that?

“So, is Spencer coming or-” she trailed off, looking to her other teammates to find her answers about the sweeter boy.

“He’s flying out to see his mom tonight,” Morgan nodded, his smile flatter slightly but he bounced back quickly.

“Man, I was hoping he’d be here so I could see him dance!”

The conversation was easy there like it always had been. (Y/N) was a great fit for the team, had everyone wrapped under her finger in seconds without trying. Emily knew she had imprinted the team forever, she had imprinted her forever.

“(Y/N), look at this baby panda!” Garcia reached across JJ, her pink blinged phone glittered under the lights of the bar. Without much thought, Pen pushed her phone father until her knuckles pushed the martini from the hardwood table into (Y/N) lap.

Her face was one of shock, looking down at her lap as the liquor pooled in her lap. Then a little smile painted across her cheeks and suddenly she was laughing, like throw your head back and make the room stop laughing.

“Better not let my PO find me,” she joked, smiling when JJ took the few napkins from the table and tried to clean up the little mess that was made. Pen continued to apologize, her eyes welling up with tears before (Y/N) reached for her hand.

“Pen, it was just an old Green Day shirt. Don’t worry sweets, as long as it wasn’t the Chemical Romance we’re clear,” she smiled at Pen, which made the blonde release drunk giggles.

“I’m gonna go clean up,” she waved off the table, taking a few of the napkins JJ had with her as she pushed back everyone until she found where she was looked for. Emily watched her back until she could no more, her eyes suddenly trained on the door.

“Go talk to her, I’m begging you,” JJ reached across the table, her hands clapped together with pleading eyes.

“Rules were made to be broken Em,” Morgan shrugged, his body already moving so Emily could slide out the small wooden booth.

“Says the FBI agent,” Emily smirked and Morgan slid out the booth anyways. She knew they were right, it was clear as day she needed to confess something. She knew (Y/N) felt somewhat the same, she at least hoped.

Her boots were moving over the sticky floor of the bar before she registered that she left the table. Her mind followed the same route (Y/N) did seconds ago. An older man reached out to catch her attention but she walked right around him. No soul could get in the way of her right now, because she finally was ready to break rule three.

Fuck rule three, rule three was made for the scared girl who didn’t know what she felt like, but she was going to find out.

Her hand lightly pushed open the door to the bathroom, smiling when she spotted her standing in front of the mirror with the paper towels in her hand. She looked up from her shirt, smiling at Emily in the mirror than looking back at the mess.

“Gotta piss?”

“Oh god no,” Emily let out a little laugh, she didn’t say anything funny but she knew she couldn’t stay serious if this was going to go her way.

“Good, I wasn’t giving my bathroom,” she smiled under her breath, something Emily never found that attractive before she did it.

Emily finally walked into the bathroom, letting the door lightly shut behind her. She realized how harsh the red tank top as a leather jacket was against the white tiled of the bathroom, but standing next to the girl, woman, in the Green Day tee with a stain down the front and the most acidic washed jeans she’d seen, she felt right where she belonged.

“Can we talk?”

“Of course Em,” she spoke without looking up, her hand moving to the tap to turn on the water.

“Are you free Sunday?”

Her hand stopped on the cold water knob, her eyes slowly moving from the tee to her own eyes. She couldn’t believe she had said it that smoothly too. She didn’t stutter or try to fight it. She didn’t wanna fight now she felt anymore.

“Why?”

“I was thinking dinner,” Emily leaned on the wall beside the sink, her finger coming up to her mouth as she bit her fingernails, cursing Spencer for bringing it up as her nervous habit, now she can’t stop.

“Like date dinner?”

“Hopefully.”

Emily gave her best smile, hoping that would make her more inclined to say yes, although she was hoping she liked her more to just say it to start with.

“I thought you didn’t date coworkers,” (Y/N) turned so her side was leaning against the sink, her body now facing Emily’s right on. That just made her more intimidated.

Emily didn’t really know what to say at first. Does she give her the long version about how she thinks they’d be good? Does she just tell her things have changed? As her brain wrapped around something to say, her brain went back to Pen singing the Paramore song and she couldn’t stop the smile that split her face in two.

“You’re my exception,” Emily spoke the words casually, shrugging as if she didn’t think over her words over words forever.

But it was worth it as (Y/N) smiled, pushing off the sink and reaching out from Emily. Her hand curled at the back of her neck, her face pulling closer to her own as their lips collided. Emily could feel her lip gloss running off her own lips onto her own, and nothing made her smile more than knowing she had proof now.

She was kissing her and her lips were as soft as frosting and Emily was so thankful for her sweet tooth. She was her sugar high she’d never come down from. As their kiss became the ghost of one, the world filled back in. She remembered she was in a dingy bar bathroom while her liquor ran into her shirt more and more.

“I’m actually completely free this Sunday,” (Y/N) licked her lips, smiling to herself as she looked up at Emily with the most innocent look in her eye.

“Never pictured you tasting like strawberries.”

Emily smirked, leaning in for another because she needed a taste of what breaking rules felt like.

“You thought about how I’d taste.”

“Oh all the time,” she rolled her eyes and smirked but leaned in herself because while she was her sugar, Emily Prentiss was her spice and she wasn’t going to stop reminding them both.

Emily smiled a little harder as she exited the bathroom because she both ruled three for the girl she’d break the law for.

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[bao3bei4]

girlbosses, male wives, and other lesbian genders

a post about jing wei qing shang. but also mostly about another unrelated movie. spoiler-free.

for a lot of people, mulan 1998 is their definitive “ohhh i’m a chinese woman dressing as a man for contrived reasons and i get absolutely nooo erotic pleasure from this” movie. 

however, because i am very special and unique, for me it’s the love eterne 1963. it’s the shaw brothers adaptation of butterfly lovers, the classic chinese folktale. here’s how i’d summarize the movie: 

zhu yingtai, an aspiring scholar, convinces her parents to let her dress as a man to attend school. on the way there, she meets liang shanbo, another prospective student, and they become sworn brothers. they study together for three years, growing closer, until zhu yingtai returns home. liang shangbo accompanies her for the eighteen-li journey home while she hints she’s a woman, but he remains oblivious. by the time he learns her gender, her parents have engaged her to another man. he dies of grief, and while she mourns at his grave, it splits open, and she buries herself inside with him. two scraps of her torn outfit turn into butterflies and fly away.

it’s worth noting here that like. this movie is made in the huangmei opera style. so both zhu yingtai and liang shanbo are played by women (betty loh ti and ivy ling po respectively). because of this, basically every level of the film is preoccupied with gender: if we take zhu yingtai’s male performance as credible (as the characters in the movie do) the leads bond through male homoeroticism; the text is ultimately about a heterosexual romance; it is acted out by two women, in a performance that is difficult to mistake as heterosexual or even feminine; and the dialogue of the movie can’t help but remark on this.

basically it asks: what if lesbians could be gay both ways? wouldn’t that be based? 

like opera was traditionally made by single gender casts, so roles tended to be genderless, in that the gender of the actor doesn’t determine the gender of the role they play. roles are instead typed into four categories: dan (fem), sheng (masc), chou (clown), and jing (painted face). it’s a sick gender quadinary. each of these roles has further subtypes that are represented through stylized patterns of singing, makeup, costuming, movement etc.

so in butterfly lovers, betty loh ti plays a dan, and ivy ling po plays a sheng. but because of the textual cross-gender play, you end up with a woman playing a woman playing a man who falls in love with a woman playing a man.

i’m going to make a brief digression here into talking about like.. acting theory. in the european tradition, you see it evolving out of early concerns (from stanislavski, brecht) about the fourth wall, and its permeability or lack thereof. in chinese opera tradition, the fourth wall didn’t ever really exist. and mei lanfang, the legendary fanchuan performer, claimed that his success wasn’t just due to his appearance, but rather, his mastery of some nonliteral feminine subjectivity. 

If I kept my male feelings, even just a trace, it will betray my true self; then how can I compete for the audience’s affection for feminine beauty and guile?

i’m not going to argue that there’s like, an essence to being a woman because i’m not a fucking idiot. but there’s something to be said for the idea that the gendered interplay between the audience’s perception of the actor, the actor’s perception of themself, and the character they play is a massive part of the appeal of fanchuan performance.

this is echoed by david hwang’s m. butterfly, in which gallimard memorably says, “i’m a man who loved a woman created by a man. everything else—simply falls short.” btw sorry for having the type of brain disease where i constantly reference chinese crossdressing related media. you already know why i have it. 

anyway. parallel to that (but far less morally detestably), jin jiang argues “young male impersonators in yue opera embody women’s ideal men—elegant, graceful, capable, caring, gentle, and loyal.” so, trivially, 1) the eroticism embodied by fanchuan performers is distinctly different from their “straight” counterparts, and perhaps less trivially 2) it’s way better. 

back to the love eterne for a bit. one of the many reasons it’s lodged itself into my psyche is because there’s something more interesting at play than just all that. normally in opera, to compensate for any perceived residual femininity in the sheng, the dan camps it up even further. so this is how zhu yingtai first appears, this bratty femme pastiche of womanhood. yet within a couple minutes she’s dressed as a man, which she’ll stay as for the bulk of the movie. they do however make compromises with the makeup--more gently lifted eyebrows than the steep angles of the sheng opera beat, and an improbably masculine smoky eye. 

that’s right. they performed girlbossification on her. 

i don’t want to suggest that she’s straightforwardly feminine. i could write an entire other thing on her relationship to masculinity. instead i want to highlight the erotic interplay not just between the “girl” and the “boss” but also between her and her counterpart: the male wife. 

liang shanbo is ostensibly straightforwardly male, but his relationship with zhu yingtai isn’t gay in the ahaha what if i was into my bro way-- it’s a what if i was into my bro and i was his wife way.

that’s right. they performed force fem on a cis woman-man. like when zhu yingtai tells him he can’t watch over her as she recovers from an illness because “boys and girls can’t sleep together,” liang shanbo asks “are you implying that I’m a girl?”

there’s a lot of shit like this that builds up over the course of the movie. it all culminates in that final 18 mile journey. along the way, zhu yingtai compares them to a pair of mandarin ducks, one male & one female. liang shanbo sputters “i am a man inside out-- you shouldn’t--” before graciously conceding, “you may compare me to a woman.” 

this is like. a simple punchline. but it’s incredible. it’s true! liang shanbo isn’t a man inside out in that he’s a man and only a man, but rather that he’s a man seen inside first, built for desiring, by a woman & for a woman. as a perpetual object, he becomes a more believable woman than zhu yingtai. and at least in his view, it seems more likely that he could be a woman than her. but beyond that, his permissive tone reads as a kind of wanting in itself--recast, if she wants, “for you, i’ll be a woman.” 

obviously this is a classic lesbian mood. who among us has not seen “no gender only lesbian” posts. and speaking of classic lesbians, you might ask. did you just tiresomely reinvent butches and femmes but with a more annoying name? yes. no. okay. well. 

first, like butch/femme dynamics have both historical specificity and a classed character such that it’s not rlly that appropriate to impose them on the love eterne. and i guess more importantly, i wanna talk about stuff that isn’t real.

we fight all day about people who confuse performance with performativity, (i use we lightly here. for instance, i go outside every day so i don’t care about discourse) but what if we actually wanted to talk about the former for once? something specifically, whether we choose or are forced into it, that we pretend to be? 

anyway. what the hell does all that have to do with jing wei qing shang. i’m going to start by first making the argument that there’s no such thing as a naturally occurring girlboss. i think, honestly, she’s a product of capitalism (“boss” should be the tipoff here) but because both of these stories are set in ambiguously historical china, i’m going to say, instead that she’s a product of uhhh primitive accumulation.

semantics so that i can be canon compliant with marxism aside, if girlbosses are made not born, can you choose to be a girlboss? sheryl sandberg says yes. i don’t disagree, i guess, but i will say: stop glamorizing it! humans only become girlbosses when they’re greatly distressed. 

you become a girlboss when you have no other choice not to be one. when your wants are too great to be a woman, when the things you want are not things that women should want-- whether that’s something that really no one should want, like being a ceo, or whether that’s just something like loving a woman (or, as it is quite often, both) -- you have to become something else. 

another important part of being a girlboss is that other people are not. your excesses mean that not only do you lose something in the process, but your bosshood comes at the expense of others. the girlboss necessitates a girlworker, or so to speak. 

now we’re getting to jwqs. i’m assuming that you haven’t read jwqs, because most people haven’t. that was me until like four days ago. in broad strokes, the novel is about a woman, qiyan agula, who was raised as a prince, and her quest for revenge against the kingdom who slaughtered her people. of course, this involves marrying one of the princesses of that kingdom. it’s all very exciting (lesbian). 

what’s striking about jwqs is that both of them seem to fit the girlboss paradigm, in vaguely similar ways. qi yan (agula’s assumed name) seems to follow the lineage of zhu yingtai, who pretends to be a man to achieve her goals. she’s forced to give up much in the process, and also sacrifices a, uh, lot of innocent people. similarly, nangong jingnu, the princess, is inherently a girlboss because royalty sucks. but also, qi yan girlbossifies her over the course of their relationship. 

but i wouldn’t say jwqs is girlboss4girlboss. there’s something a little more complicated happening. qi yan isn’t zhu yingtai in that she’s a dan pretending to be a sheng. it seems more like that she was a sheng all along. it’s something that the women of the novel return to often: qi yan seems to be better than a man.

for instance, nangong sunu, jingnu’s older sister, reflects on this. 

Nangong Sunu had seen many foolishly loving women who sacrificed everything for the sake of their husbands, but there were rarely any men who would do the same for them. 

(...) 

Thinking it through, Nangong Sunu felt that Qi Yan was truly becoming more interesting. She intended to observe discreetly for a while, to verify if such a man truly existed in this world. (ch 221) 

and i forgot to write down the citation for this, but nangong jingnu also seems to argue that not only is qi yan prettier than a man, but she also seems to be prettier than a woman. (it’s the bit where she’s watching qi yan sleep. help me out here.)

moreover, the way qi yan relates to nangong jingnu is suggestive. jingnu brings out the elements of wanting to be a woman in her. it’s jingnu’s body that makes her wonder what she would look like if she was more feminine. it’s jingnu’s happiness that she resents, wishing that her people could have that as well. it’s her desire for jingnu that makes her a woman. 

(another important distinction i suppose--while one person can’t be both a butch and a femme, because the girlboss and the male wife are things we pretend to be until we embody them / them us -- there’s greater slippage between the two.)

anyway, the girlboss/male wife dynamic is reversed wrt who’s actually dressing as a different gender. that suggests an inversion in the implications we see from the love eterne, if we are to take the love eterne as the paradigmatic girlboss text. which i do, for no reason in particular. 

so then, is qi yan pretending to be a man? under the opera framework, we’re forced to say no. she’s not pretending to be a man any more so than liang shanbo (as acted by ivy ling po) was. but that, of course, feels incorrect, just looking at the text. is she, then, pretending to be a sheng? i’d strongly say no. the things that others see in her, they authentically see; and she does authentically feel the same things as liang shanbo wrt femininity.

so it has to be the opera framework that jwqs is subverting then. if qi yan kept some trace of her once-womanhood, if qi yan reveals her true self, and yet she still can compete for the audience’s affection-- jwqs’s inversion of the opera framework seems to argue instead that it’s that true self that allows you to compete. it’s being masc that lets you be a desirable woman; it’s being feminine that lets you be a desirable man.

there’s an increased gender ambivalence to jwqs, which make sense, i guess, seeing as it’s not meant to be a het story the way that the love eterne was. for instance, nangong jingnu crossdresses to go out in public, and qi yan remarks that jingnu’s disguise fooled her on their first meeting. when qi yan and jingnu go out in public, both disguised as men, they’re repeatedly perceived as a gay male couple. there’s freedom in that: they could be gay women only privately, they could be straight officially, but they could be anonymously gay publicly. 

so it’s through the gay male pretense that they can be gay women; it’s through the qi yan pretense that agula can love women; it’s the qi yan caring husband persona that coaxes jingnu in caring for qi yan in return-- jwqs, more precisely, argues that you can’t be a woman if you’re going to love them, and even less so if you’re going to be loved by one. 

this is perhaps well-trodden ground for anyone who has read wittig & certainly many people who haven’t. but it’s the layer of pretense that for me complicates these two narratives. 

i think it’s a relatable feeling: wanting something anticipating getting something, or wanting something for yourself anticipating knowing that you already had it. that is, desire in itself being constitutive of that reality. 

or less abstractly, knowing that you’d want to be a lesbian if you could, knowing that you’d want not to be a woman if you could-- anticipating any realization of either. 

the dramatic excesses & wants of the girlboss, i think, are a decent literary stand in for being a lesbian. 

i wanna note here that this is rlly just based on my experience being a transmisogyny exempt nonbinary diaspora lesbian lol. it’s fun & cathartic to overread this history & place myself in the accidental implications.

i don’t think most of the things i say are literally true. and i don’t want to overstep & say any of this can be generalized. please lmk if something here doesn’t read right! ok kisses bye