#also random but the comment about mean history teacher is personal because in college i had a history teacher who HAted me for some

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

What do you think First and Chase would teach if they were legitimate teachers in a modern school and not undercover?

If we are talking school from middle to high then:

First will either teach literature/language/writing, history or be a beloved P.E. that allows kids to burn out their energy with games disguised as exercizes.

Chase would make a mean history teacher, maybe geography(of political kind) and science (probably chemistry!) or surprisingly a math/geometry teacher!

Or if we are talking college and university, there is a little Modern AU I mentioned in one of my older posts, and I had some very specific positions for them there:

First would be a beloved, approachable, but still strict Professor of Classical/Modern Japanese Literature in an Asian History Department! And if not my AU specific, I think he could make a great Social Studies teacher.

Chase would be an absent hot-shot & nominated Professor of Archeology, specializing in Eastern territories (mostly China), and would spend more time on digs and museums than in class itself, lol. And if not AU specific, he would also make a ruthless Law or Politics teacher. ;3

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

[ahufflepuffhobbit]

@alienfuckeronmain tagged me in a super long list of questions to get to know me, which I’m THRILLED about! Since I don’t think many people will want to read through 49 things about me, I’m going to tag @jessiohhh, @armiteggio, and @watsonmoony up here, to do if you want! (Yes I’m tagging you all again, but still, no pressure!)

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black pen all the way

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? I had to actually think about this because I have always loved cities so much. BUT. I think I like the idea of living in them more than I would actually like it. I definitely prefer the peacefulness of living in the country though, especially if it’s near a body of water. Could even just be a stream or pond.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? Hmmmm. Most of the skills I want to learn wouldn’t be useful?!? Like, learning Elvish. I suppose it would be nice to actually learn to draw. OR GROW PLANTS.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Coffee, yes, with creamer too. Tea is had black though.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? How are we defining child? Because like. Under 10 age, it was the book called The Witches and the Singing Mice by Jenny Nimmo about these two tom cats that save the children in a village from witches who put them in a coma like thing. I fucking loved it and yes, I still have it on my shelf. 

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers! I’ve never been a bath person. I don’t understand it. Showers are the ultimate for chilling out and winding down, and mine tend to last like thirty minutes or as long as we have hot water. 

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? I... have no fucking clue. Fairy?? (unless we’re including hobbit in mythical, which I think we should because that’s my choice)

8. Paper or electronic books? Paper. I’ve found that if I read published books electronically, I tend to not take it as seriously or judge it more harshly. Or maybe the books I’ve read electronically just sucked. IDK.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? I stole a hoodie from my dad when I moved out. I’m pretty sure he’s had since the nineties. It’s just light blue and soooooo soft.

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I used to not like my name (Robyn), but I’ve learned to love it and I wouldn’t want it to be something else. 

11. Who is a mentor to you? One of my professors, probably. I still check in him with once a year, despite not having him as a teacher in about seven years. He helped me understand the psychology field a lot better, and I felt more prepared becoming a therapist because of him. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no. If I get famous for anything, it will be for having a trademarked expression showing my displeasure.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Yes, indeed. I’ve had insomnia for about fourteen years. It’s worse when I’m going through the PTSD season (roughly September-December), and the rest of the year I tend to move around a lot or talk in my sleep.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? yesssss but I think other people would disagree

15. Which element best represents you? water!

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I have gotten better at pursuing friendships, and those things take time, so I’m not sure if there’s anyone in particular that I’m like, scared to approach.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? my parents, always. Living twelve hours away sucks balls.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. Okay. I was once brought home by a police officer when I was nine for loitering at a pet store down the street. The employee (who had to be like seventeen or something) called the fucking cops instead of just talking to me. And then I panicked and tried to run, IMMEDIATELY got caught, and then tried to lie about where I lived. Needless to say, by the time the cop got me home, he was thoroughly unimpressed and was very rude to my dad as a result and apparently made some comment about him not being a fit father because he was covered with tattoos (???). (Also, I recognize that me getting away with this is peak privilege)

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? All of freshman year, a friend and I would combine our breakfasts/snacks in our English class. This typically was strawberry poptarts, cheetos, and pink lemonade. It’s actually really fucking good. Super bad for you.

20. What are you most thankful for? the support of my partner, even though I’m currently annoyed at him.

21. Do you like spicy food? Nooooo, I cannot handle it at all

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Yes! Mostly from Cons and stuff, the highlight of which was meeting Nicholas Brendan. 

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? not usually, but I will write things down to help with processing them. After my grandma died and the subsequent family drama, there was a lot of ‘journaling’

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? Pen! Can’t stand pencils.

25. What is your star sign? Sagittarius

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? What kind of question is this? Who likes soggy cereal?

27. What would you want your legacy to be? That I tried my best, honestly. I don’t think about it much beyond that. 

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? i LOVE reading. I’ve fallen out of the habit since I went through college and haven’t been able to get back up to where I was. The last book I read all the way through would have been Hunchback of Notre Dame, which I actually thoroughly enjoyed! Currently I’m reading my way through the History of Middle Earth, which means jumping between seven different books to do chronologically.

29. How do you show someone you love them? my love language is quality time or physical touch, so spending time and lots of hugs! 

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? In lemonade or juice drinks, yes. Everything else no - especially not water

31. What are you afraid of? Oh, so many things. Top of the list is the loss of my family or cats. 

32. What is your favourite scent? Lavender, sandalwood, or the ocean

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? I don’t tend to address anyone by their name...

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I would honestly be home a lot more and not have a TBR pile consisting of over a hundred books. 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? I don’t really have a preference! I love water and swimming, so any body of water works for me. I won’t, however, swim in a pool when I’m near an ocean. That just seems weird to me. 

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? Probably spend it, honestly. Buy a meal for myself or something a bit fun.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? I think so?  

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I am except from this question because that will not be happening! I do try to make sure my niece accepts herself for how she is and that she doesn’t have to BE anything to be loved

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Well, I have tattoos already. And I have one planned for next month! I’m getting a Sweet Pea on my forearm for my grandma, because she always called me a sweet pea. Other than that, I have plans to the ring poem by tolkien around my ankle in the black speech.

40. What can you hear now? I can’t do anything without listening to music, which is currently Pirateship by Rumahoy, because @alienfuckeronmain has gotten me into metal like I’ve never been before

41. Where do you feel the safest? In my partner’s hugs

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? hating my body

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? I don’t want to chooooooose. All of them. All of them.

44. What is your most used emoji? the crying laughing face

45. Describe yourself using one word. Random!

46. What do you regret the most? Regrets.... I guess I regret not being closer to the side of the family that has always liked/supported me until I was an adult. I could have had so many more memories with them and been closer to those cousins! Instead of the ones that straight up abandoned me. Good times. 

47. Last movie you saw? King of Staten Island, actually. It was pretty good, but I felt like it ended too early

48. Last tv show you watched? It’s always New Girl, technically, because I fall asleep watching it. Other than that, probably John Oliver last week.

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. I don’t invent words. I do, however, invent a sign language of my own that involves gesticulating wildly while trying to convey my meaning. I have no way to describe these signs in text, unfortunately.

[cherra-khunatta]

冷戦的な物語 (The Cold War Story)

Nope, this is NOT the exact Cold War that you often hear in history books. This is the Cold War that I have experienced myself, with the person whom I called, my “special someone.”

Allow me to share to you the details... if you peeps do not mind, hehehe (PS: He’s no longer on FB and IG for personal reasons).

Chapter 1: Santa Maria Colegio de Ciudad Quezon

2007 - Many things happened during this time. I was still “in love” with my first serious crush in school, and we barely finished yet first year high school. Also, this was the year that I met “you know who” during the recognition rites practice. Oh, don’t remind me about it since I was in freshman of high school, and that wasn’t the most pleasant experience I had—like I was too busy like having butterflies on the stomach, thinking what I would do to please my crush again.

OO NA, CRUSH darake demo imi ga nai to wakaru yo. Demo sono ato, infatuation ga nakunatta.

Well, nakilala ko lang si “future” crush sa recognition rites practice and whatnot. HEARING HIS NAME means, basically iyung maputing chinitong kulang sa height, pero when his name was mentioned, like I was SHOOKt. HANTAI PALA!!! xD

Pero di ko pa crush iyun. Kayo naman.

At RANDOM pa ako nag-a-add sa Friendster... and sorry to say that includes him.

That year was also the time I really NEED to move on from my first crush. So yeah, nagka-crush ako sa teacher (ALAM NIYO NA IYAN! Charot!), na sorry to say, ‘di ko masyadong nagustuhan ang teaching style (chos!). Well, let me tell you this: That teacher was only some “transitional period” figure so that I could just “move on” from my first crush, who obviously was rejecting me all throughout (dahil nga sa nangyari... and I never thought of transferring schools at the first place, thinking that the alma mater where I regretted studying will eventually change and open up to new ways of thinking).

And so, yeah.

Until during this one episode where... I just saw him alone during I think, recess time? HAHAHA. I was like, I dunno, I just fell for him without even knowing his true identity. I only knew his face and name, and that’s about it. DAKEDO—miryokuteki na kao ha? Chotto... sukoshi heibon nano ha... futsuu na shakai ni yoru to, sore no hou ga tekitou na keiyou da yo.

And so, yeah. Parang ganun na nga.

I asked my batchmate (well, he wasn’t my clubmate that time, so yeah...) who he was. DAFUQ kilala niya pala. Clubmate niya pala. AHAHAHAHA. I guess, it was like it came to my senses that he’s pretty attractive to my taste dahil nerdy, tsaka he takes his academics seriously. Ayun.

And yes, I really WANTED to have this formal meeting with him. Get to know each other kaya ayun. I added him eventually on Yahoo! Messenger, and that’s it. We started chatting.

And mind you mga beh, sobrang KILIG KILIG much ako, without even formally meeting him. Well, kinukulit ko kasi ng bonggang-bongga iyung friend ko na clubmate siya.

OK ok... until it came to my senses na gan’to nga. YES I WILL MEET HIM NA...

That smile from my face is not a joke. I usually greet him and talk small talk with him whenever we meet. Ayun.

LAHAT LAHAT I showed my entire tatemae towards him, and I was introducing him to my friend who’s a batch lower than him pero batch higher sakin. In short, third year level siya. And yes... kasama niya meiwaku niyang kabarkada na sumira ng lahat.

OO... at hindi ko na lang siya babanggitin dahil... I will discuss that later.

So, ayun. ALL OF A SUDDEN everything was gone. Ganun-ganun lang dahil sa nangyari. I was fucking humiliated and embarassed and shit. Ayoko nang pag-usapan and somehow, medyo it left a mark in my life na gan’to. And that time, I wasn’t really in good terms with some of my classmates dahil sorry to say, I was dealing with a lot of demons in my head. Ni hindi man lang talaga in-explain sakin ng maayos ang mental health condition ko (which you know, has emerged ever since before naging uso ang SPEAK OUT re: mental health awareness; well, no offense sa mga may mental health issues).

Somehow, another factor that destroyed our friendship was online games. DOON NA TALAGA nag-start ang Cold War.

And knowing the strict rules of this alma mater? FUCK NO. I won’t explain everything in detail na.

OK so to speak: Hindi na kami friends sa Friendster, at saka di na kami nag-uusap gaano sa YM, and yes, hindi parin kami friends sa Multiply something like that.

So to speak. NO JIDORI. Kahit civilian-wearing day, shit na malagkit, no communication with him. Just pure cold war via away thru social media for petty reasons.

2008 - And yes, he graduated from high school, and I do not have any idea about his college. Well, none of my business tho. The Cold War still continues.

So to speak, HINDI KO SIYA BINATI NUNG TANJOUBI NIYA. KAHIT GUSTONG-GUSTO KO.

Third year high school - So ayun. I met his imouto (LOL), and you know what? Ayun, sneak peek: NAGPAKILALA AKO SA KANYA with my best buddy... you know what I mean?

Hindi ko lang hinalata na kilala ko si kuya niya and shit.

DAFUQ. NAGKA-ALAMAN na during this episode like... putcha inamin ko na lang sa imouto niya na kilala ko siya at may gusto talaga ako sa kanya.

And you see, kahit pumupunta-punta kuya niya just to get her report card, like jusko, BAKIT HINDI KO PA SIYA LAPITAN!? I WAS SHOOKt. Confused me was like, I just want to talk to him, but I can’t. Social distancing lang ang peg, beh? xD

Tuloy parin ang Cold War sa internet. Walang katapusan.

Pero this was at the same time, my best buddy’s movements were kind of far from normal. Iyun din ang factor na may huge impact sa buhay ko... which would determine my future career in the long-run... (lol may pa-ganun ganun pa?).

Si meiwaku na lang talaga... she got the nice things, but on the following year I was LEFT WITH NOTHING! Admins must answer my demands... charot!

2009 - Ayun. Wala paring katapusang Cold War. Pero this time, I parted ways with my best buddy (sorry, wala nang ibang choice eh). AYOKONG mangyari iyun talaga... pero parting ways with him made my fourth year high school the WORST part of my high school life. Kasi tuwing anjan si best buddy, no one will really touch me (me paganun-ganun pa).

But yeah, I have to suck it up.

Gusto ko nang tumakas from that so-called tyrannical high school which has the crappiest quality of education in history. Putang ina talaga. Sorry for the language, but that school has to be accountable for damages (waley charot!).

That was also the time I commented on someone’s post na ganito ang school niya na gumagamit ng gantong language. Well, derogatory pa nga ang term eh (LOL).

COLD WAR PARIN.

2010 - Graduate na ako ng high school (SA WAKAAAAAAS!). Well, the bad memories and sh*t because I think the one responsible for sectioning students INSULTED ME ALL THROUGHOUT, and yeah.

Chapter 2: Pamantasang Taft Avenue

I FINALLY CAME TO HIS SCHOOL. YEE-HAW!

Pero di parin tapos ang laban. Again, the Cold War has re-emerged on what? Formspring! The shittiest website you’ll ever encounter in your entire life.

Somehow, I gained more EMENIES online... because you know that anime and video games are kind of BANNED in our household, but I watch anime secretly through torrent (shhhhh). Nalagyan pa ng VIRUS ang laptop ko dahil gusto ko talagang ma-download iyung mga content na ANIME talaga. And why the F*** did I NOT take up Japanese studies instead, if I love anime? Well, then and again the meiwaku person’s gaslighting and sh*t...

And 2010 was my FUCKING WORST YEAR because sinagad ko pa nga ang college. Bakit di na lang ako nag-gap year and shit? At gini-guilt trip pa nga ako na dapat UST na lang ako dahil ganto. But NO. Wala sanang problema ang UST but look, you want me to experience another part 2 of my high school alma mater? NO WAY, Jose. At talagang gusto ko na talagang mag-civilian clothes because it signifies FREEDOM!

Oh wait—freedom my ass. Wala parin akong bonggang-bonggang freedom dahil I was still continuing to BATTLE MY INNER DEMONS like WTF was I born this way and smth like that... ayun.

Medyo nasa stage talaga ako ng self-deprecation, NO THANKS to my background and whatnot. Everyone had really aristocratic features, and academic achievements and they’re so confident about themselves (TEKA... baka FULL of themselves).

And that’s also the time na parang hindi ko rin feel ang mga magiging kasama ko for the first 2 terms. Sorry to say, but it seems that I did not belong to their league at all.

Parang ganun.

And then again, AYOKO NANG MAG-ELABORATE gaano.

This year was the only year I learned to RISE UP from my mistakes. 2 fucking failures only means that “O AYAN, sa sobrang conceited mo kasi, ba’t di mo kaya babaan pride mo?”

Di mo masisi, turbulent masyado ang high school life ko. Meganon. Chos.

2011 - So yeah, third term of my college life... I decided to cross-enroll because I really do not feel to be with these sorts of people. YES, the elitistas.

YEAH... they only dress nicely and speak English like a person from the soshal high society pero manners ANLAYO... parang alipin race by practice parin pero naka-LV ang mga luka-luka.

KAYA AYOKO NA SILANG MAKITA! Charot!

This year was also the first time I came to Japan. MY DREAM DESTINATION! Pero huwag kayo, naging favorite country ko talaga siya (well sorry to say, na-”brainwash” ako ng mga libtard ideas that time, abandoning the conservatism from high school) dahil sa anime pati video games.

Sinabi ko talaga, sana makabalik ako sa Japan. KAHIT European studies ang major ko nun.

And yeah... medyo hindi ko na ma-open mind ko because of this constant fear-mongering from this sort of environment that isn’t really open to new ideas and only cares about snobbery. Kaya siguro mas malapit ang loob ko sa mga hard sciences majors dahil ‘di hamak mas open-minded tsaka conservative in practice talaga sila... and f*** liberals, ya know.

OO, Cold War parin talaga, fren. Di kami nag-uusap at kahit nakikita ko rin siya paminsan-minsan, I just do some sorts of weird stuff and yeah...

2012 - THESIS year. Jusko... heto pa talaga ang pinaka-judgment day sa lahat. Like, ga-graduate pa ba ako, kahit sabihin nating pasaway student ako nun?

Pero, Cold War parin.

2013 - The time I graduated from college. INUNAHAN KO SIYA! BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Pero huwag kayo—medyo rocky road din ang taong ‘to dahil I decided to reconcile with my best buddy and raised the white flag dahil nga siyempre, I tried to forget him but NO WAY... he was a huge part of my life kaya papano ko siya kakalimutan? Diba?

Well, because I fucking missed the graduation ball of my batch. AYOKO sanang pumunta dun for personal reasons... well, may tiket na ako pero gusto ko talagang ibenta. PRAMIS!!!

The result? GAP YEAR from looking for work. Just to attend next year’s grad ball.

After I graduated, I went to South Korea for the 1st time and JAPAN... for ze second time around. First time in Tokyo.

Grabe.

Wala akong masabi.

Dun na siguro nagsimula ang formal Japanese lessons ko.

Pero again, COLD WAR parin.

2014 - YES!!! I attended the grad party... with my high school bestie. Sobrang happy ko nun dahil makakasama ko siya muli. <3

AND...

Pumasok ako sa law school. WELL, LAHAT NG MGA MAHAHALAGANG GAMIT KO, NAWALA SAKIN. F*** those 3 drivers na alipin race by practice! I HEYT DRAHGS!!!

Pero, Cold War parin.

Chapter 3: Travajo, Shigoto, Arbeit

2015 - The time HE graduated from college. Well, I was already studying photography so yeah... and during this year, this is where I had my very first job. Ayun. Meaning to say, new crushes and sh*t, and yeah, meeting new people.

Pero, Cold War parin.

At the same time, meeting new people? Dalawa rin naging crush ko. Pero LABAG sa kalooban ko at pumunta kami ng North America. FUCK... I don’t wanna come back but my parents insisted and sh*t.

Sorry to say, pa-sh*th0l3 na kasi iyung alam niyo na, pinaka-supposedly makapangyarihang bansa sa buong daigdig este hegemon. Gomen nasai to my American friends, but if you knew me closer and deeper, no offense to your country tho!

I was sooooo inggit sa mga taong nakapag-Japan on this year. Haist. Di afford mag-Japan pero afford mag-US? ABNORMAL OI.

Hanggang kapritso’t pabonggahan lang kayo dun eh. And I HATE IT!

Pero 2015 is also the year that I really need to move on from you-know-who. Kasi jusko, dami-daming gwapo diyan! Hindi lang siya!

2016 - WAIT... this is the best year for me... and pretty much the worst. First time kong pumunta ng Kyoto and thought that this is like the Philippines when it’s summer. Tourists weren’t really too many and yeah, move on talaga from that special someone dahil inisip ko one day, mahahanap ko na talaga ang special someone ko. Jusko, daming mas gwapo pa dun anoh! HAHAHAHA.

And my first time to USJ! YEE-HAW!

Bonggang-bongga’t heto na rin ang “moment of truth has finally arrived” and sh*t, at saka PANIBAGONG CRUSH all the way... sa work ko pa nakita at dehins basta-bastang tao iyun! BWAHAHAHAHA at siya pa nga nag-udyok sakin mag-art (BWAHAHAHAHA).

Hindi biro iyan—kung di dahil pinapunta ako sa Craft Mania, malamang I would have NEVER spent my money ng bonggang-bongga sa mga art materials na di ko pa alam gamitin that time. Pabonggahan lang and sorts of stuff (KIDS, don’t try this at home, ha? Learn to save your keep kahit papano)—para lang mag-show off.

2017 - COLD WAR PARIN.

2018 - COLD WAR PARIN.

Pero mind you, this is when the defining point of time I really have to prove myself na worthy akong mag-Japan. NOPE. Not the Japayuki sort of thing dahil... watashi no kao kara suru to, not to brag, but does it seem like... DO I LOOK LIKE A JOKE TO YOU!? Beh, move on na! Hindi na high school itey! Chos!

Pero mind you, this was also the time I un-expectedly PASSED JLPT for the first time. I literally was happy, but still not complacent. Nakukulangan pa ako.

And this is also the time I proved to myself, babalik ako sa Japan to fulfill my childhood dream: Disney Resort sa Japan dahil dun ko talaga gusto eh! Haist talaga, malas ako at dehins ako half-Japanese, you know that feeling of wanting to go to Japan before 2010 because of the cool stuff... pero turns out hindi. Mamaya na.

And after going to Tokyo Disneyland? The next day, we went to unexpectedly the art store that would become my FAVORITE PLACE in the world dahil na-meet ko na ang lalakweng nagpa-tibok ng puso ko. CHAROT!!! Imagine, grabe OPPOSITE niya talaga ang color ng mga Binay, walang gluta pa iyan! Pero likas na gwapo’t magaling pa mag-English (never mind his funny accent LOL). At BAROK pa Nihongo ko nun. As in hazukasii tsukaikata desho! w

Siya ang defining moment ng buong trip ko sa Japan. Dahil siyempre, he has this smile na sobrang sincere at walang pretensions... like he was like that dude whom you want to take for dinner. LOL me paganun-ganun pa.

AT siyempre, back to you-kn0w-who again, tensions are getting relaxed, pero COLD WAR PARIN technically.

2019 - Heto na iyung taong formally pumunta ako ng Japan na walang uwian talaga. Dire-diretso na ang paninirahan ko bilang ryuugakusei. At siyempre, hazukashii parin dahil shit talaga na malagkit, my Japanese wasn’t very very good. Sono kaiwa nouryoku ha zenzen hazukashikatta desho. Maa, mou takusan naratta houga yoroshii yo.

And YES, I went to different places like Kamakura, Yokohama Chinatown, Kobe, Hiroshima, Fukuoka, Nara... shit andami na talaga. Dahil naka-stay ako sa Japan for a year. And my mom often visits me dahil siyempre hitorgurashi ako ditey. And it’s quite depressing ya know—loner, iyung feeling na welcome ka pero di ka parin belong sa society nila. At medyo confused stage parin ako dahil pagod na ako ng bonggang-bongga sa Philippine politics kaya I need a fucking break. But no... things don’t really work that way ya see.

Chapter 4: The moment of truth has finally arrived—tokoro no naka ni ha, Nippon de

And this is one defining moment when wait... like I went to Kobe for the first time around...

Nandito na lang ako sa Japan, at siyempre iyung crush ko na iyun talaga (oi, hindi si opposite skintone ng mga Binay, ok?), I just want to reconcile with him ever since. So, why not again... do something about it?

Remember, wala nang Yahoo Messenger. Wala na ring Friendster. Pati Multiply tigok na rin. At saka wala na ang online games, anoh? DotA na lang tsaka Mobile Legends, pagkaka-alam ko.

And so it happened like this...

He already viewed my IG posts, and that was the time I really had to focus on my studies in the bekka program. Andito na lang ako sa Japan, at saka you know... like the kalungkutan in my eyes show that despite that I love Japan, and I wished to naturalize in the place I consider my second home, parang gusto ko nang i-abandona iyung idea na iyun. Because for one, I am fully aware that Japan is not an immigration-friendly country.

So yeah, because he views my stories on Instagram, I guess this is the time I have to poke him on Facebook?

Oo, sa Messenger ko pa ginawa iyun.

And surprisingly, he sent me a message.

Ayun.

Wait lang ha... ayun.

Nakita ko na talaga na “Sorry sa late reply... ano po iyun? Oh, na-alala nga kita, at sorry sa nagawa ko noon. Sobrang immature ko nun at alam mo na hindi ka deserving sa ganun.”

Umiyak ako. Bonggang-bonggang reconciliation na talaga ang ramdam ko.

Nagpasalamat talaga ako sa kanya, siya iyung dahilan kung bakit nandito ako sa Japan. Shikata ga nai kedo, kung di dahil sa kanya well... I would never be in Japan right now.

Siya parin talaga ang babalikan ko at the end of the day. At hindi ko mai-tatanggi na siya talaga ang inspirasyon ko sa pagpunta ko rito sa Japan bilang ryuugakusei.

2020 - Coronavirus.

Heto na rin ang taon na for good na ang rainichi niya. Totsuzen iyun, hindi iyan ang original plan niya. And his company was already dissolving, so he has to deal with things and stuff before he gets free time.

At takot talaga siya sa coronavirus.

At naka-graduate pa ako. Pasado ko lahat mga subject ko. Pero hindi parin ako kuntento talaga. May kulang pa.

OO, nung panahong iyun sobrang depressed talaga ako. Fuck, all the good and the bad memories in my Japanese university were like, emerging again, just looking at the clothes.

It’s like telling me I really have to go back home.

Kailangan ko nang umuwi ng Pilipinas dahil wala na ako gaanong obligasyon dito sa Japan. Also, whenever I wake up in the morning? I often get depressed, wishing nagtagal lang ako dito sa Japan, pero mukhang hindi talaga para sakin ang Japan, iyan ang ramdam ko.

But I wished so hard, magkita pa kami.

Kotoshi no rokugatsu - Dapat nakauwi na ako ng Pinas nitey. Oo nga, dahil hanggang gantong buwan lang ako andito sa Japan. And I’m stuck in a limbo simply because of that panirang coronavirus.

I cannot admit, I was battling my own demons while I was in school. Like, hindi ko talaga tanggap ang nakaraan ko because I wasted my time being YOLO. Like, ano ba talaga gusto ko paglaki ko?

Fuck, how I wish I planned earlier, but certain factors like political something something was a hindrance. PERO HINDI.

Until I finally decided to meet him.

Lubusin ko na’to. I worked so effing hard just to bring back our friendship. I wanted a closure. I WANTED IT EVER SINCE. Gusto ko na talagang tapusin ‘tong kabanatang maitataguri kong Cold War.

The Cold War that shaped me into a better person, I guess?

June 10 - The day we finally met.

The day when eventually, niyakap ko siya at tinawag ko na sempai.

I finally found the closure I was seeking for.

I noticed, maraming nagbago for sure: First and foremost, inamin niya ring dehins niya gusto masyado ang nangyari sa high school life... and yeah mas enjoy di hamak ang college life, where he learned a lot of stuff.

Sa Japan pa talaga, of all places. I tried other sorts of cultures, if this will fit me, but in the end I simply ended up being in the place I consider my second home, and met my crush there and had the closure I was seeking for: Didn’t expect he would delete some of his social media accounts which sorry to say, parang Fall of the Berlin Wall ang peg.

I was like, I would never expect him to be the person I knew since high school. Kung di ko man lang na-afford makipag-jidori sa  kanya o batiin siya sa Meris o sa La Salle...

Kaya siya tinatawag na Cold War.

[pennyfynotes]

8.2.18 // 4:30pm // school subjects and AP exams oh my

so i recently (ok not so recently i’m sorry super busy rn) got an ask from an anon about subject specific tips and ap exams. this is the masterpost i told you to look out for ;). there are no ap exams in college, but some of the stuff is still applicable. i did my best to be as comprehensive as possible and dump everything in one place. hope this is helpful! xoxo, m ps. guess where the actual tips are?    if you said “under the cut” then you’re right bc i’m predicable af

tips by subject:

languages (i took spanish): 1. flashcards are your friend. i don’t care if they’re digital (would recommend quizlet or studyblue) or paper, but they help immensely with either vocab or things like remembering literature.

2. charts are also your friend. conjugations giving you a hard time? write out a chart of the different tenses and the conjugations for each subject. put down some of the irregulars too.

3. acronyms/pnemonics are also also your friend. a lot of these already exist, you just have to go find them. i’m pretty sure i still remember what “wedding” stands for for the spanish subjunctive.

4. it’s ok to start over. it’s easy to start a sentence based on what you’d say in english. you’re doing fine until *bam* you hit that word/phrase you really need but you have no clue how to say it. whether it’s an oral or written exam, take a few seconds to think about it and, if you can’t figure it out, just back track. restart the sentence and rework it. better to do that than to lose all your time thinking of one word you may or may not know.

5. skirt around things. if you can’t remember how to say fridge but you really need to say it for something, just say “machine that keeps food cold” or something. it might sound silly,  but it gets the point across and removes the road block.

6. make a list. no, not a to do list. if there’s phrases you find yourself reaching for all the time, but you can never remember, make a list of them and their translations. it might be because its a phrase/part of a sentence structure you use a lot in your native language or whatever. make that list and drill just those few phrases into your head. it’s helpful

english/language arts: 1. proofread. i guarantee you’ll find a mistake, a sentence that makes no sense, or one that just sounds cringy. thank me later.

2. have a damn thesis. its ok if you just need to write and spit words/ideas out for a while to figure it out. but figure it out.

3. conclusion ~= introduction. for those of you who didn’t get the tilde, it means not. yes, they both tie your points to your thesis but they are not to same. do not just reword the same information in the conclusion. push your ideas just a little further. i usually like the push them a little bit outside the realm of what i talked about in my paper. for example, if i focused on the first 5 chapters of the book in the rest of my paper, i’ll expand the ideas to the rest of the book. or if i’m talking about female characters and focus on just one or two, i’ll use the conclusion to potentially connect it to another.

4. have favorites. pick a few fav transitions, sentence structures, and fancy vocab words. basically build a toolbox. this way you won’t have to think as hard when you want to “spice up” your work.

5. summaries only go so far. once you get to higher level english classes, there will be a lot of analysis of specific imagery, or wording, or dialogue. reading cliff notes is only going to give you the plot and none of this. if you don’t have time to read and you’ve been assigned a pretty standard english novel/play/whatever, take the time to look up some famous quotes or symbols. they’ll probably come up in discussion and this will help you look less unprepared.

6. have on question/comment ready. if your teacher/prof is into discussions and grades on participation, it’s handy to write down one (or a few) things. it’s easy to forget what you were going to say while you follow the discussion and it sucks to get docked points for not saying anything. even if it’s just a thoughtful question, jot it down.

history: 1. lol prob my weakest subject, just go see the apush (ap us history) section bc i don’t have much more for you than that.

science: 1. back to basics. i say it all the time, i’ll say it again. really understand basic concepts. they will come back. i’m serious.

2. pattern recognition. science problems are often times about recognizing patterns. once you identify the type of problem it is, even if you’ve never seen the exact one/something similar before, solving it becomes way easier.

3. make a recipe book. tied to the last one, but once you recognize a type of problem, you need steps to solve it. go through any practice problems you’re given to determine all the “types” of problems. once you’ve categorized them, make yourself a step-by-step guide on how to solve.

4. flashcards. you’ll have to know polyatomic ions or random biology facts. see languages tip #1 for more.

5. note your errors in lab. if you do something wrong, don’t just try to brush it under the table and forget about it. not that it’s a big deal, because its not, so don’t freak out. they’re just great opportunities to note sources of error. i mean obviously dont write in your lab report that you weren’t paying attention and mixed the wrong chemicals, but something like “we may not have waited sufficient time for the product to dry” can explain why you got 800% yield.

6. have a toolkit. kinda like a recipe book, but just a collection of straight facts that come up often. knowing common molecular weights and chemical properties (is ammonia acidic or basic?) will make things go faster. like i said earlier, polyatomic ions are also great.

7. brush up on some simple arithmetic. similar to the tool kit, this will just make things go faster. being able to quickly add things and calculate easy percentages (ex: 30%) will make things like hw and exams go faster. i’m of the opinion it’s always good to know how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide w/o a calculator (on paper, not all in your head)

bonus: math #5 and #7

math: 1. see science #1

2. see science #2

3. see science #3

4. see science #4. see a pattern here? you might wonder why you need to flashcard math, but it’s good for learning equations or the names of certain techniques. if the prof asks you to solve something using X technique and you don’t know what that is, that’s gonna pose a problem. also good for the unit circle (don’t get me started)

5. figure out your speed. this is applicable to most everything, but i find it most relevant for math. is it better for you to speed through the whole exam and then do it all again/check it over 2x? or for you to take it slow so you know you got everything right the first time? personally i use the first approach, but i’m a fast taker and prefer to have time to process between repeating problems instead of staring at it forever once and never looking again.

6. science #7. a lot of teachers will expect you to be able to do this.

7. go over the material a couple times. also applicable to everything. i find it’s easier to remember things when i know that concepts are connected. you might have learned X 3 weeks before Y, but if you go back over, you might realize they’re closely related. this will help you if you’re not sure on a test because you can reason through things using the connections you’ve drawn

tips by ap course (obv look at the subject above bc i will be giving *really specific stuff* here that i’ve gathered from experience. they’re also ordered by when i took them, sorry it’s not super logical but i didn’t want to forget one)

general ap course/exam tips: 1. practice exams. you need to be familiar with what will/will not show up. you don’t always need to simulate and real testing situation, but i’d recommend doing at least 1-2 that way. also *know how many questions they’re are you so can pace yourself!!!!*

2. college board is pretty good about giving topic breakdowns. use those. go through and figure out what topics you’re solid on and which need more work. the above tip is to help decipher what the topics actually mean bc it can be confusing.

3. give the free response a quick flip through. do the ones you’re confident on first.

4. make sure you know the policies/what you can bring. don’t want to forget something. also once our test administrator tried to stop us 10 minutes early, but we were on top of our shit and all gave her a death glare bc we knew when we were supposed to finish.

ap chemistry: 1. polyatomic ions and molecular weights. know them

2. chapter/section reviews (in addition to class notes) and how-to guides. my teacher made us make them and let’s just say your girl did *really* well (and i’m damn proud of that one)

3. do a quick skim of the free response. applicable to most exams but, the year i took it, they’d just remade and re-curved the exam and put *way* too many free response. like no one finished them. if that’s still the case, make sure you do the one’s you’re confident on. also, i did not get to like 3 questions and still got a 5. they may have fixed this idk. (sorry this is redundant but i wanted to give this ap chem exam specific info)

ap environmental science: 1. there is a lot of damn information here. i would use chapter outlines and pick out key terms, policies, and events etc. treat this like a history class.

2. for the exam, use common sense. most of the time, the most environmentally friendly answer is the right one. if you just have a general gist of the course and its topics, but don’t know a lot of details, go with your intuition and you should be fine. i didn’t have a lot of time to study for this one and this method worked for me.

ap calc bc: 1. memorize standard derivatives. power rule, sin and cos, chain rule. that’s important.

2. similarly, memorize standard integrals.

3. don’t forget +c for indefinite integrals. just don’t.

4. similarly, if it’s definite, don’t forget to evaluate at the end! super easy thing to do, but also super easy way to lose points if you forget.

5. if the integral looks complicated, that probably means there’s a “trick” involved. u substitution, integration by parts, trig substitution. something like that.

6. memorize some standard series’, operations, and types (arithmetic, geometric etc)

7. if you’re looking at a word problem, understand what is dependent on your variable and what isn’t (in other words, what’s a constant). for example, if it says the water flows into the barrel at 50 mL/s and flows out at 1/5 times the volume, that translate to F = 50 - (1/5)V. don’t make things more complicated by trying to write everything in terms of V (in this example). also, your equation might just be a constant term or just a variable term doesn’t have to be both.

8. know what your derivative is with respect to/what it really means. aka if your problem is talking about flow and volume, how are they related to each other? flow is the change in volume *with respect to time*. so if i differentiate volume with respect to time, i get flow. if i integrate flow with respect to time, i get volume. this also helps you make sense of word problems.

*disclaimer*: it is been 5 years since i took this class and i have taken quite a few math classes after. i apologize if i introduce anything that is a little irrelevant.

ap spanish language: 1. flashcard. like seriously. there’s gonna be vocab involved.

2. understand what’s asked. for the persuasive email. *be persuasive*

3. toolkit. i mentioned this before but this was probably the most useful for this class. our teacher gave us a bunch of fancier words to use instead of causar (to cause) because that was a word we’d need a lot. the one that still sticks with me 4 years later is fomentar. have a few alternatives for these kinds of super common words, a good greeting and closing for your email, and a set of good transitions. *make sure you know how to use them properly*

4. write stuff down during listening. you can either answer questions during the first listen, then take notes the second to catch stuff you missed or vice versa.

5. it’s ok to backtrack in the speaking. don’t let yourself get stuck and just not say anything. it’ll freak you out for the rest of the exam and will rob you from showing off what you know. also take notes of things you want to mention based off cultural knowledge of the situation related to the dialogue.

6. don’t zone out. with everything going on and all the stress, it’s easy to zone out (esp during the conversation). don’t do it or you’ll have a hard time responding and freak yourself out (again)

7. don’t lose your place in the convo! they give you a sheet that shows you how many times the other “person” will talk. i lost track and said goodbye one segment early. it was bad ok. all these conversation tips are from personal experience.

ap statistics: 1. know the different kinds of tests inside and out. know the differences and the conditions. if you’ve got that, you’re like 75% the way there.

2. be familiar with sample vs population. it’s a bit confusing, but take the time to understand.

3. ok sorry i really don’t remember anything else. this exam really isn’t that difficult (in my opinion), you’ll be ok.

ap physics c: 1. free body diagrams. understand how to draw them *and draw them*. they will carry you through mechanics. draw gravitational force, normal if there’s a surface, and then any other given forces.

2. basic equations. you get an equation sheet, but knowing the equations means you know the concepts and the relations between them. big ones are f=ma and the equations relating position (x), velocity (v), and acceleration (a). also friction f=uN.

3. *normal isn’t always the opposite direction of gravity!!!!* gravity is straight down. normal is perpendicular to the surface.

4. vector components. please don’t just add vectors. break them down into components and then add or you are so fucked.

5. get familiar with triangles. this will help with the whole component thing.

6. kirchoffs rules are so helpful. know them.

7. understand the relations between voltage/potential and current in terms of the properties of circuit elements. that means the equations for resistors, capacitors, and inductors.

8. know how to add in parallel and series. it’s important. also! if the circuit is drawn “weird” a good way to know series vs parallel is that parallel elements share two nodes and that series circuits only share 1.

9. sorry i kinda blocked out E+M bc i didn’t know what i was doing (or so i thought). i still got a 4 tho so that curve is generous.

ap us history: 1. chapter outlines. pretty self explanatory.

2. make a timeline. put important events, sentiments, policies, and presidents. if you can associate these things together into time periods it will be easier. most of the time, any one question (esp long response or whatever they’re called) will only focus on 1 time period.

3. sentiments are important. if you know nothing else, know these bc they will help guide you through questions by reasoning even if you know nothing else.

4. gilder lehrman (or similar us history summaries). these are tailor specifically to apush bc they are organized by period (i think that’s what they were called?). i actually fell asleep listening to these bc i didn’t have time to study. they were mildly helpful, but every little bit helps right?

ap psychology: 1. chapter outlines/flashcards. this course is based heavily on key terms and less so on larger concepts.

2. ok sorry i took this online i remember literally nothing except how annoying my teacher was and that the exam was easy. if you know terminology i think you should do fine.

ap biology: 1. there is a lot. go through all the topics and make sure you’re solid. start with the big picture, then think about narrowing down.

2. know how charts work. things like pedigrees, punnet squares, and evolution trees (that’s def not the right term). some of the exam will just be interpretation of this.

3. i am so sorry i remember nothing else.

ap spanish literature: 1. flashcards. title, author, time period, short summary, key elements (a line, character, symbol). this is *so helpful*

2. think about the works in relation to each other. you might be asked to compare them. even if they ask you to compare something on the reading list with something new, you’ll be familiar with the points you might talk about.

3. know the lit terms. more flashcards. associate them with a particular work if you can/need to.

4. don’t freak on the listening. a lot of the recordings are old and shitty quality. take a deep breath and try your best. know that the rest of the test takers (excepting maybe natives) are experiencing the same thing.

5. use that tool box. see general spanish and ap spanish lang.

this is so freaking long and i think the moral of the story is that i blocked out my senior year ap exams. i hope this was helpful and, if you have more questions, or want more stuff like this, let me know!

[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day one

I sat in the waiting room of the nutritionist office uncomfortably texting my husband about random things. She came out smiling and shook my hand and said it was nice to meet me and walked me back to her office. She was super kind and compassionate and she asked me starting off if I had any Questions for her about everything and I asked what made her want to be a dietitian and specifically what made her want to work with eating disorders since they are probably the most challenging population for her to work with and she is sort of the least liked person on the team and she explained the story of how she had thought she wanted to be an accountant because it sounded like a good job and she went to college and took a class in it and he did it but had taken a nutrition class and loved it and felt like everything made sense and she had thought she would want to work with eating disorders because it seemed like something she would really like but then there weren’t really any opportunities in the field at that time and everything was sort of more focused on actual centers and not private practice and she said she had little kids later on and there was an opening at the treatment center nearby for a part-time dietitian so she applied they are thinking that might be her way to get to try working with that population and she went and really enjoyed it and then due to a variety of factors she recognize that she wanted to step out into private practice and she absolutely loves it. She said what a great question that was because normally people just ask her if she is proficient in treating eating disorders and I laughed and was like Amber told me all about how great you are so I never had any doubt that you are proficient and I explained how I had been planning to see her whenever I get pregnant and I just had an anticipated coming so soon but that my therapist Lynn had strongly suggested it. She had printed out the form that she had initially asked me to fill out online and I was thankful because she had actually read everything which I feel like a lot of times practitioners kind of skim over stuff but she knew a lot about me and pointed out that I had been really she had printed out the form that she had initially asked me to fill out online and I was thankful because she had actually read everything which I feel like a lot of times practitioners kind of skim over stuff but she knew a lot about me and pointed out that I had been really thorough and she made a comment about how she could tell that I was really intellectual and highly intelligent and I kind of jokingly said thanks and she was like no really I can tell by the way that you talk and in reading your responses to my intake that you are. thorough and she made a comment about how she could tell that I was really intellectual and highly intelligent and I kind of jokingly said thanks and she was like no really I can tell by the way that you talk and in reading your responses to my intake that you are. She told me that she would have to weigh me and I was like oh that’s fine and she was like OK you never know how people are going to take that and I was like yeah no it’s fine and she said we will do it at the end and I said OK that’s fine I weighed myself this morning and saw that I gained 3 pounds over Christmas so there’s that and so she was like oh OK are you weighing yourself pretty frequently because I saw on your paperwork that it seemed like it was kind of sporadic and I explained how it’s hit and miss work sometimes I weigh every day for a couple weeks and sometimes I don’t way at all for a few weeks. She asked about a lot of different things about my history and weather or not they are still in issue. I was honestly surprised because she never went over what my goal weight should be and she didn’t bring up recovery record and she said we were running out of time at the end so we couldn’t create a specific meal plan but she gave me a print out and I was like OK that’s fine. She was super compassionate though and talked about what my values are and she was like I’m pretty intuitive and I can gather from everything you’ve said that your dog is important to you and your husband is important to you and your job is important to you and musicals are important and is there anything else I’m missing and then she clarified and said she’s looking for things that are motivating me to get better and to fuel my body and I was like well I think the hope to raise a family and recognizing that you kind of can’t eat the way that I do and be pregnant and she was like yeah I know you can’t and that’s usually a pretty good motivator for a A lot of women but what about you? And I was like wait what and she was like all of those goals are great but what about you and I just kind of sat there staring for a second and she was like it’s OK for you to be important enough on your own to fuel your body because you deserve it and you’re worth it and you matter and she went on and on saying all these nice things and I just sort of sat there on comfortably smiling and she was like I know you might not feel it right now but you do matter and you do deserve to eat. She said that as soon as she brought up me mattering she could tell that I got really uncomfortable and she could see the wheels turning and she knows that there’s a lot going on up there in thinking about it and it’s OK if I don’t believe I am matter right now but that doesn’t mean that I can never believe that. She introduced the idea of adding the word and and then but to my sentence when my head starts spinning with unhealthy thoughts and I said I would try it. She wants me to think about practicing flexibility with text her is because that was the one goal that I said that I actually want to be over and of course the hard goal is to practice fueling at breakfast and lunch and she wrote on my little paper you are worth it and food does not have an agenda. I feel like every time she pointed out something rational she could tell that my brain was sitting there challenging it because I like when she was like oh all the foods are just there to nourish your body and fuel it they don’t have the agenda it doesn’t matter where comes from organic or not they still have the same make up and she was like what and I was like but I also still have that voice of my parents going on and on and on in my head don’t eat the pork it has nitrates in it so pork might be pork but it does have nitrates and she was like so there’s a lot of rigidity around strictly being healthy and she was like I’m not telling anybody to go out and eat fried chicken every single day but when you are restricting yourself from those things your body‘s going to want them and The more rules that you create for yourself the moorings Eydie you are going to have. She actually mentioned anxiety and how when you hold it somewhere like for me she thinks it’s probably anxiety in my gut and so part of it is the messages that I’m receiving every time that I eat and anxiety is literally releasing uncomfortable chemicals in my stomach or something like that and to makes me actually feel bad on top of the actual food and how she had recognize the physical therapist saying that anxiety is in my stomach and she pointed out that all girls seem to of gone through this sort of petri dish time in their life when everybody was looking at them under a microscope and they are sitting there wondering what’s wrong with their bodies and she said that her daughter had an eating disorder issues at one point and so she is understanding. She brought up eating breakfast and lunch and I said eating breakfast sounds stressful because it means I’m gonna be hungry every two hours or every 30 minutes you never know and she was like well it shouldn’t be every 30 minutes eventually and I was like well I just feels like my hunger is in satiable and literally when I was in the 11th grade my science teacher made fun of me and called me tapeworm because I was always hungry and she was like I eat like every two hours to and that’s normal there is no set one way to eat they don’t know what your body needs and everybody is different and it’s OK to need more at certain times than others and right now your body might have gotten used to eating like once a day and eventually it’s going to be like feed me feed me and I couldn’t help but laugh and was like feed me Seymour because she said she love musicals too. She asked me about how I manage my anxiety and I said mainly with CBT because I challenge those thoughts a lot and I gave the example of how I almost had a panic attack sitting in the circular booth in the middle because I always freak out and think I’m going to throw up even though there’s no real logic to that and I sort of just challenge those thoughts with the Factive like there’s no reason to think I would throw up I haven’t even eaten yet and they would all let me out of the Rose if I needed to get up and throw up and if it was going to happen it would really hit me and I would know etc. she asked me about grounding techniques and I said that I definitely tell my clients them but I don’t really use them that often but I explained how Broadway musicals has really helped me reign in some of that. She mentioned that I’ve had a lot of traumas and developed a lot of negative beliefs and thoughts from the past that are still influencing the present and then I can start to work on challenging them. After she explained that long thing about and and but she asked me what I was thinking and I just sort I have laughed and she was like what and I was like honestly Pam used to say that to me a lot when I was in paying attention but I swear I was paying tension to you and that actually makes sense and I was like Pam used to always be like get behind the feeling and she was like what feeling and I was like exactly and she laughed and I was like no everything you’ve said actually does make a lot of sense and it does help me to challenge my irrational thoughts so I can definitely try that. We had talked at the beginning about The treatment center she had worked out because it’s one that I’m actually technically working at PRN and I got the sense that it was a bad situation and I was like yeah I don’t blame you I wouldn’t want to work there full-time either and we talked about the dietitians in my area which she didn’t know one of them personally but had heard of her and it’s the one that I like and she didn’t know the other one and the one in patient. She didn’t know the one who had really helped me to stop hurting and I said she really only practiced for a little bit and then her and her husband got pregnant and she decided to stay at home and be a mom since her husband was a doctor and they were financially stable. She said good for her and she asked me about when I would want to be having a baby and I was like I don’t know I’ve been ready to have a baby for a few months but my husband is still not really ready yet. She asked me if my husband gets it or if he’s a support and she was like because there’s a difference and I was like no I get what you mean and I explained a little bit of our history and how that dynamic has been really unhealthy before and so at this point we sort of just don’t really talk about it and I said that he knows that I’m there seeing her and she was like OK that’s good and I explained a little bit of how uncomfortable it had gotten when he saw me texting Amber and how I’m just really worried that it’s going to blow up and be like that again and I don’t wanted to be and it just sent him a really unhealthy dynamic between us. She said that I never mention my mom and my intake which made me laugh and I was like you should tell my therapist that she get a real kick out of it and she was like well it looks like you listed mental illness for a lot of other people and I was like oh well my mom just never got diagnosed and I explained how my parents are just kind of neurotic about their food choices and pretty much every therapist who knows about eating disorders has said that they think they have an eating disorder and I’m a little bit in denial about it but I think last Christmas when my aunts said that my parents were bringing their own special food over to family events and it kind of hit home for me that that wasn’t normal and maybe they are a little bit more than on a diet type of deal and I explained how my grandma died and how I don’t really think it was emphysema. She was really nice and clarifying about how she wasn’t judging me for anything and that she takes everything I say as me being honest because that’s what she has to go off of and I was like that’s fine I promise that I’m not going to lie to you or anything because she asked what lying by omission meant tonight explained what my husband says about it and she was like oh OK and she said she could tell that I am honest because of the way that I was very open in my intake papers. She asked about my caffeine intake and I said is pretty slim all things considered and we talked about Diet Coke because I said if my husband has bought diet Cokes then I will typically drink two or three a week if they are in the house and she was like yeah those are typically Meal re placements and I explained how my hands used to hurt really bad because I was excessively drinking them and she explained how I probably triggered some auto immune response with my mean system trying to protect me and I said yeah probably. She pointed out a few times that she was just really poking me to get at my believes and she had asked sort of if I thought I had a problem and I was like I mean I know that I would never tell a client with my history that this is OK but at the same time it’s so easy to minimize it because I feel like normal people skip meals and they’re fine and I don’t feel like I’m in the anorexic mindset of really intentionally trying to lose weight and checking the scale all the time to make sure it’s going down so if feels like it isn’t really a problem. I explained how I’ve really thought a lot about why am I not prioritizing it because I said I really wish that I did care about prioritizing it but like I honestly just don’t and I explained how I just feel really bad after I eat and I think to some extent it’s sort of just become this avoidance of discomfort because if I put off breakfast and lunch and then I eat dinner at least when I’m having dinner I’m at home and can lay down which actually helps a lot or there’s my dog and my husband and TV and my piano and whatever else to wear I’m not as focused on it whereas if I meeting during the day that I’m sitting there at work thinking about it and I explained how if I eat during the workday then that means I have to sit there for the next hour or two or three obsessively thinking about how fat I feel and how my stomach feels fat whereas I could just avoid them. She said that she got the sense that I was really rigid and I explained about the chickens and how I need the free range chicken and free range eggs in it I won’t eat pork and I was like because I care about the pigs in the chickens and I was like so it’s not eating disordered and she pointed out just how rigid I’m being in general and that she doesn’t actually care whether or not I choose the free range stuff but the goal is that I not be so rigid and since I do all of the grocery shopping she asked about what it would be like if my husband did the grocery shopping and I was like I’m too much of a control freak and I feel like he wouldn’t buy the right things and she was like exactly my point so maybe that could be a goal of ours eventually and I just sat there realizing how anxious I fell just thinking about letting my husband be the one to grocery shop which sucks because I don’t want to admit that that makes me anxious but it does. We also talked a little bit about religion and when I was trying to explain my parents and my mom siblings and he became religious I’ll like they just kind of went crazy and in the sort of like and I realized that Fräulein no this nutritionist could also be crazy so I was like if you don’t mind me asking are you religious and she said yes she considers herself a Christ follower and I was like is there a denomination and I forget what she said but she said she was more evangelical and I was like OK then you might not actually find this crazy and want to start explaining and she was like oh no that sounds a lot more like this huge church of God church we have here and I’m not like that but she said she feels like spirituality is a healthy part of recovery. Also we talked a little bit about my issues with getting quality sleep and not feeling rested and she was saying that it’s possible that eating well will help me to sleep better or that eating well might help me have energy throughout the day but she can’t make any promises so we will just see how that goes and hopefully it will help.She said she knows a lot of this is really hard for me but she really believes that I can have the life that I want to have and she’s honestly just so nice. She ended it of course by taking a copy of my homework for me to have with me along with the sheet of suggested meals and then she weighed me and of course I didn’t get to see the number which annoys me mainly because I just want to know whether or not it was the same as what it was this morning or if it went up because of wearing clothing. Whatever the case she said she got my weight and we came back into her office and scheduled for two weeks from now she said that she really wants to see me weekly at least in the beginning but she didn’t have an appointment available during the time that I would be free for next week so we scheduled for early morning the following week before therapy and she was like oh and there’s a little break after so you could maybe eat a snack and then because hopefully you will have already had breakfast I just didn’t Seney thing because I know the reality of me eating breakfast that early in the morning before I drive all the way there is probably slim to none but whatever she can think of. She did that awkward uncomfortable thing where she really looked at me and said to take care of yourself and I said I would try and I looked away because it feels uncomfortable when people care about me and I feel even more uncomfortable knowing that she knows that and I can’t even explain why.

[thisnerdsadventures]

skills/things you should work on before or during college

i’ve decided to bring back the #advice

so in my past couple years, i’ve noticed a few places where people fall short on skills they were expected to have, myself included. note that this is a list of these skills, but there are tons tons of masterposts out there on how to work on each one. I’ll also try to link them, but i’ll def miss a few. here’s a few of such skills:

how to do a presentation

slides tips

preparation tips

tips for during your presentation

personal comments:

as fast as you can, learn how to not read off slides - i feel like i’ve been told this several hundred times in the past by teachers, and honestly it will make your presentation be a lot more engaging!

people have different ways of presenting. Some people like to present without any notes. Some like the speaker notes on powerpoint. Some like flashcards. Some like printed notes that they actually never even look at because they rehearsed ten times before the actual presentation, but prefer to have on them as a safety net and something for my hands to hold onto so they don’t fidget around (me). You need to figure out which one works best for you!

how to write

when you forgot about an essay until ten hours before (but still in general)

how to approach an essay

writing the essay (simple outline that seems pretty good)

personal comments:

things I didn’t find: how to research. This is also very important because learning how to accumulate knowledge is an important skill to know. Learn how to use your local library. Learn how to use the search database system. Learn how to read papers (academic papers). Learn how to make citations.

When you have like twenty sources you’re juggling, organize them by what they’re about, or what body paragraph of yours they correspond to. for example, i just wrote an essay about mariachi, and had papers about educational programs (which was a couple paragraphs), and other papers about the history of mariachi (which was another couple of paragraphs), so separating them kept me organized.

but as said before, learning how to read papers has actually been very important to me, especially in a STEM field. First learn to read papers in your field, then learn how to read papers outside it, because chances are at some point, you’ll need to read a review of some field you’d never thought of before.

how to code - shameless plug by cs kid

learn the fundamentals of programming - i would more suggest a youtube series or an mit ocw or edx series for this. personally i dont really think codeacademy works well here bc it more teaches you the syntax rather than coding strategies or the thought process behind coding, but thats personal

learn syntax - codeacademy or tutorialspoint are personal gotos for me because they sum up really quickly language syntax in readable language for someone not familiar with the language yet

algorithms - EVER WONDER WHAT PEOPLE MEAN BY QUICKSORT here it is jk this is the sole reason i passed my algorithms class last semester

personal comments:

yes this was a shameless plug but in many many industries, knowing how to code will separate you. it’s almost essential to know if you’re into STEM fields, and even in other industries, having that kind of problem solving ability is important to have in general.

if you’re going to code like for serious, its very important to learn the fundamentals of coding and coding principles very well rather than speeding thru languages. focus on one language, learn to use it very well and solve lots of problems with it, and then you’ll find picking up other languages will be really easy

how to learn by yourself

languages - learning languages is a good summary of learning anything by yourself. also tumblr has masterposts for literally any language. use the search function

any other topic [college geared, but not exclusive to] - try edx, mitx, mit ocw, coursera. these all offer recorded or online versions of college courses. can confirm that we here also use ocw to prep for our own courses lmao

lots and lots of colleges now offer online content. try googling for it

so in high school i found a few good sites, but am still finding these places. here a few links i really enjoyed

boundless -  IMMA TELL YOU THIS SITE CARRIED ME THRU AP BIO

for real though, lots of good content on here, and they also summarize every section into key bullets, which was really helpful for me, its really a hidden gem

wikipedia - sooo if you’re looking for a quick intro to a subject, its really not that bad as people say it is. i still use it pretty often. just dont cite it (if youre looking for research sources, go to the original source), and make sure its cited by some trustworthy source at the bottom

learning anything by yourself takes dedication and scheduling. having a plan increases the chances of following through tenfold.

how to present yourself

resume tips - note that different fields will have slightly different resumes. For example CS might have a side projects section - science might have a publications section. Note your own planned field of study and learn how people there might structure

career fair tips

interview tips

interview tips pt 2

personal comments:

I couldn’t find a good masterpost, but networking is also really important and going to local events and how to talk to people there. How you present yourself is also different from field to field, and how you learn to do so, I think, is when talking to mentors or upperclassmen from your field. 

random tip - if you say you know something, please actually know it

how to manage time

there are like ten thousand posts out there on this ...probably because its IMPORTANT

time management tips

organization tips - lots of times, the reason you’re wasting time is because you’re disorganized!

managing time while working

 tips in visual form

personal comments:

this is what works for me: to-do lists, devotion to google calendar and living and breathing an organized life (ie i make sure my room is [vaguely] clean)

know your strengths...and weaknesses

if you know a class is easier for you, you’re not necessarily going to need to schedule as much time for it as another class that might be harder, or you could you use smaller chunks of time in between other time slots for that class

hitting a rough spot of procrastination? take a shower, work out or go get water or make a cup of tea, or better yet, write an informative long studyblr post

how to cook SOMETHING

i’m not asking you to know how to cook a five course meal, but at least know how to fry an egg or do a basic pasta or something because the freshmen meal plan does not last forever

how to cook/food in college - basic tips for cooking and buying food/things on a budget too

buzzfeed is surprisingly good for easy manageable recipes

personal comments:

i first learned how to fry and scramble an egg. i now prefer making a kickass omelet, but usu i settle for the five minute fried egg

i next learned to make pasta, first cooking pasta and then mixing it in with store bought sauce, but lately i’ve been experimenting with like different homemade garlic/oil/cream sauces

i once upon steamed vegetables in the microwave and it wasnt horrible! that being said, dumping vegetables into boiling water isnt too bad my friends

frozen food from trader joes is your friend

ok hopefully this was informative/useful. sorry i havent posted in a month, i was overseas and then came back to campus and was bedriddenly sick for a week. on that note i just saw a mouse run by so i need to make sure my door’s closed. thanks guys!

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Wait what con artist from 2014

I’d like to title this story “Swing And A Miss”

Okay, so my high school had this program where seniors could leave school like a month and a half early and opt out of exams if they took on internships around the neighborhood, but not everyone wanted to/was eligible to do it. Back in like 2013, they had like 15 bored seniors stuck in the school, so the administration brought in this Professional Life Coach, left him in alone in a room with them for two hours to talk to them about like, self-esteem or some shit. All the kids were pulled out of their classes for this*, and later told the administration that they loved him, they really enjoyed the talk.

So, about a year later, we have a new principal. He’s supposed to set up an assembly for all the 11th and 12th graders, but he doesn’t know what to do. One of his coworkers mentions that there was a life coach that was a huge hit with the kids that didn’t do community study last year, so maybe he’d also be great for a larger audience. The principal basically thinks “okay, what the hell” and calls up and hires Jason C. Jean to come talk to the kids.

Now, it’s like, 10:30, maybe 11:00 in the morning, and two entire grades are getting shepherded to the main gymnasium, and no one wants to God damn be there. We ain’t got time for self esteem talks. We want to sleep. And this guy, watching us all drag our feet in and collapse into the bleachers was just like…offensively peppy. There’s a couple faculty members sitting behind him, the woman who suggested he be hired for this, the vice principals for the grades- but the principal himself kept getting calls so he was in and out the whole time.

Now, Mr. Jean was like…the chill “Just call me by my first name dude” history professor at college times 30. He was trying so fucking hard. I’m referring to him as ‘Mr. Jean’ in this story just to be disrespectful. So anyway, we all get in there, and he tells us right off the bat “You guys are totally allowed to be on your phones and laptops during this! I get it! It’s no problem, like really, I insist!” so while the faculty members are exchanging smiles that read ‘how do we kill that while respecting him’, all the kids are immediately pulling out their electronics and he’s starts his speech.

Now, again, I really wanna reiterate that he told us we could be on our phones- because when the news articles started coming out about this, I remember all these angry, annoying comments from old people like “Why the hell were the students on their phones in the first place! So disrespectful! These damn millennials and their social media!” like, they were completely ignoring the entire story and just focusing in on kids using the internet, and it Really Super Pissed Me Off, so. Again, we had permission for this (which also ended up being Mr. Jean’s fatal mistake).

So, he starts off this speech fairly normally, like ‘hi, I’m Jason, I’m a professional life coach and I wanna teach you kids about how to be The Best You!’ and like people were tuning him out and listening to varying degrees. Some kids (like myself) were kinda dozing off, and everyone was on twitter or facebook.

His approach to a self esteem speech seemed to be ‘let me tell you my entire life story for hours’ and like, at first I was like “I’m not really hearing this, I’m half dreaming right now” but the more I started making myself pay attention the more…bizarre and rambling his story got.

So like, for instance, he told us he drank a lot in high school. Like, a lot. But he didn’t use that as a ‘don’t drink or party too hard’ lesson, instead he was like “I was fourteen so I always called my parents to pick me up, and they weren’t mad because they knew it meant I could trust them. So remember, always tell your parents when you’re drinking!” and then it kinda got to a point where it sounded like he was encouraging partying and drinking and the like to the group of underage kids.

And then, he told us how he used to play baseball all the time when he was a kid, and at 16 reached a crossroads in his life where the Phillies wanted to draft him or he could go play football for Penn State. And he said he went with Penn State but later lost the scholarship for some reason and we’re like…really.

There was absolutely nothing coherent about anything he was saying- nothing that tied anything together, made a point, seemed like it had anything to do with an assembly on self esteem. He told us at one point he was making upwards of 7 million a year. He told us one time before college he was homeless. He told us he used to own a construction company and built his own branch of nightclubs himself, that he and his friend then ran. He told us he fought a shark and came out with no scars. He told us that he had less money now, because after surviving a work related accident- direct quote- “I fell almost 30 feet and I broke in half” - he decided to leave that industry and spend more time with his family.

So, yeah, I was pretty positive this was bullshit, but there were clearly kids in the room that were falling for it. But then he said something like…he and his friend got bored one day and started jarring up their own pasta sauce, and made a deal with wegmans or some store like that to start selling it, and now he has a pasta sauce empire. Like he spent 15 fucking minutes on this. The way he kept saying ‘pasta sauce’ was so annoying I was about to claw my ears out. But anyway, two girls in my grade wanted to find out what brand he was talking about, so they googled his name.

And then quietly gasped.

And then furiously started typing into their phones.

And remember- everyone, even though they were paying attention- was on twitter and facebook. All the sudden I see heads flying up and wide eyes and people whispering to each other. Mr. Jean doesn’t seem to notice the change and keeps rambling on, but I know something happened so I google him too and-

Okay so basically he’s 1) been arrested, 2) filed for bankruptcy like three times and 3) has been hailed as a ‘Swinger Guru’ by playboy.

EVERYONES SILENTLY FLIPPING OUT.

So by now, this is a fucking game- he still doesn’t notice anything wrong amongst the kids, so we’re all silently texting each other to fill each other in. Pulling up receipts. But still playing the part of politely intrigued audience members. The school faculty have no fucking idea what’s going on, until one of the students texts her mom, who happens to be the woman that convinced the principal to hire this guy. We see her check her phone, go wide-eyed, and she runs out of the fucking room presumably to either find the principal or hide in terror.

So Mr. Jean had been talking to random people intermittently throughout this speech, but we reach the ‘questions’ part of it. Everyone seems to silently agree that instead of just asking him anything outright, we should just see how good of a liar he was. So they’d be asking him stuff like ‘how much money did you make with ____ company’ and he’d give a ridiculously high number as people were sending each other reports of him filing for bankruptcy during that time. Or they asked him about his construction business which he said was great, and while he was talking about how great it was we were all reading his arrest report, from when a woman hired him to build her house, and he took her money and then like…just didn’t build anything. Wild. Someone asked him about his family and he’s extolling Christian virtues while we’re all on the website for his annual Swing Fest. People would ask him how he got certain jobs and he was making promises to hook kids up in interviews and shit. Everyone was loosing their God damn minds online and just barely holding it together in person. This man was so beyond full of shit- like, he was a God awful life coach but his dedication to lying was inspirational.

We eventually get to leave and everyone is yelling and cracking up and freaking out, all running to our classes to tell the teachers and the underclassmen everything, and the teachers are freaking out, alternating between horrified confusion and laughing hysterically. Before the school day even ended, someone had called a bunch of news stations. The principal was freaking out and denying he had anything to do with it, before calling some students to his office to see what exactly the kids had searched up on the guy…Because apparently teenagers can perform better background checks than school officials. It was all anyone could talk about for weeks.

A couple months after this, for my theater class’ showcase, I wrote and directed a skit called ‘Mason B. Mean’. It was a huge hit. The principal was in the audience. I’ve never seen a grown man look so dead inside. I made sure I was out of the room before he came up to congratulate the cast and everything. The next day, my theater teacher told me his only comment about the skit was a quiet, long-suffering “Why.” 😂😂

Annnnnnnnd that’s the time a Swinger Entrepreneur rambled on about pasta sauce and money in front of teenagers who knew how to use google for almost two hours.  

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/Montco_principal_apologizes_for_having_swinger_entrepreneur_speak_to_kids.html

[unfortunatelysirius]

Rant Time! w/ Katie

I’ll most likely be spending my entire night writing on requests and other stupid shit that I’d like to work on, but for now I’m about to give y'all another rant that’s completely unnecessary but something that helps even out the stress I’m currently experiencing.

I’m going to be seventeen in less than two months and I still haven’t went to get my permit. I have a paranoia of driving and it prevents me from having the motivation to read my state’s driving manual and to actually go and take the test. My mom thinks it’s stupid of me to think like that, but there’s like twenty car crashes a day—probably more. And that scares the hell out of me so I just keep putting it off.

In other news, my first day of senior year is August 10th and I am freaking the FUCK OUT. I signed up to take AP Biology, but now I’m starting to feel a tad nervous and regretful because hardly anyone ever passes that class due to the obnoxiously dimwitted teaching style of the teacher. I heard only one person passed the end-of-the-year exam out of ten last year. ONE—when there’s a solid chance of getting a 3-5 on the damn thing!

My schedule is decked out in college classes. I know I probably shouldn’t disclose my schedule, but I’m meant to be taking AP Biology—as aforementioned—College English, two dual credit classes from a local community college, (one’s a history class and the other one is a literature class) Pre-Calculus, Public Speaking, and Anatomy I. That’s for the first semester—I plan on taking College Algebra and a few more dual credit classes in the next semester, including the other classes that will last year-round.

So this means I have that to worry about AND getting into college AND learning to manage finances AND ALL THIS OTHER SHIT THAT ADULTS HAVE TO DO. Can I please just become the air or something, you know, nOT HUMAN? Maybe a dog, so I can depend on others for the rest of my live.

I plan on going to a college with a work-study program. They don’t allow students to live off-campus or have cars, so that’s a win-win for me! My other choice of college is one that’s really pretentious and expensive but is known for having outstanding education. I’m not shooting for Harvard or Yale because I’m an incredibly average person. Sucks to be unremarkable, I know, but meh.

Anyway, to continue on with my rant, I want to talk about rich people. I have nothing against you all that have been blessed with money from birth—I’m merely upset with the fact that I get no recognition for my accomplishments just because I’m not privileged. Guess what, y'all—they got me excited at the end of last semester by announcing a new round of AP classes, but literally all of them were for the freaking juniors. Two of the kids in that class were teacher’s pets, and since my own mother works down at the school with both of their mothers, it didn’t take a genius to deduce what sort of Inside shenanigans were going on.

Get this—they legit called all of us that signed up for AP Language to go back down and change out our schedules. Like, what the fuck?

I had a dream the other day where I moved schools and fell in love with some dude that was also transferring. Best dream of my life, I’ll tell you that.

Anyway… again… It just feels like to me that school only ever tries to please privileged kids with parents that are doctors, teachers (specifically ones born into privileged families or related to the superintendent), attorneys, and accountants. No one wants to advocate for the middle-man, and that leads to all us poor kids being singled out. Whatever, though, right?

Sometimes I just feel like everything I do amounts to nothing. Is it wrong to feel that way? I look at my writing and think I’m worse than Stephanie Meyer. Apologies to Stephanie Meyer fans, but her writing WAS dedicated to those of young age and without a moral compass for controlling temperament found within men.

*clears throat* Ahem. Anyways…

I plan on going into a dual major of political science and history—or English, if worse comes to worse. I really don’t want to become rich because then I’ll be targeted and judged for the same things I loathe right now. However, my ambitions correlate with a need to prove my worth and do something great with my life, so whether or not I become what I hate, it doesn’t matter if I’ve managed to become a model for my relatives and former friends.

The best revenge is to succeed and be humble about it. I might be arrogant about my schoolwork, but that’s only towards friends and relatives when they believe that I don’t deserve to be successful in what I do. Then and there, I become arrogant. Even if I do not necessarily believe my own comments, I still say them to make others lay off me.

Returning to the thought at-hand, my college of choice is very liberal and hipster-esque, which suits my personal interests. Also, it's known for its study-abroad program, free internships, and its education, which are three things that matter dearly for me. I hope to get an internship at either the NAACP or the White House. Maybe even just a visit to see Mount Rushmore.

Teddy Roosevelt is my favorite president, and I know more things about him than I do my own father. Thank you, Borglum, for having Teddy recognized as one of the greatest presidents to have ever lived!

Seriously, though. He even left the legacy of having the highest percentage of voters when he ran as a third-party candidate just to spite Taft. Like, wow.

… I’m getting off track here.

Having anxiety fucking sucks. See, last year I had to a lot of these “roundtable discussions” in my AP U.S. History class, and I managed to make it through on all of them except for a few towards the end of the second semester. I even had one on my fucking birthday, which sucked majorly. They were a lot more difficult to manage than debates. I could handle debates; they didn’t involve having to force myself to speak up or face the consequences of a zero.

I loved APUSH—I really did—but now I feel like I’m an excuse for a history lover because I got a 4 on the APUSH exam. Not a 5—a 4. I have failed you, Teddy. (RIP, Bull Moose. Not even a bullet could have stopped you, but a failed test grade sure as hell stopped me lol.)

Anyways, if you haven’t noticed, I’m American. I’m also white—and according to this random ancestry website I found, I originate from Sweden and Italy. I guess that’s cool… but I don’t trust the internet so uh…

Back to stress! …That’s a good way to refer to going back to school. Just replace “hellhole” with “stress.” Basic synonyms, everyone!

I have bad friends. All of them are assholes and think I’m a bitch because I’m “skin and bones” and like to “flaunt it” just because I wear decently nice clothes. I know they’d be offended if I told them it’s because I feel uncomfortable not wearing something that makes me feel happy with myself. It’s not me thinking I look good—it’s a confidence-boost. Am I meant to be looking for a damned boyfriend just by wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a blouse? Is that how life works?

I remember in eighth grade I had this friend who told me I looked like a prep, and then she made me feel so bad about “trying to fit in” that I started wearing jeans and hoodies to school. It hurts to think about how much impact people’s words have over you—and half of time, it’s never a positive influence. For me, it’s never been positive.

Well, I’m sorry for burdening you all with this rant. I know it’s rather… long, but I just needed to get it off my chest. Keeps hurting when I see everyone else finishing up projects while I’m still sketching out the blueprints. I’ll get back to posting things tonight and tomorrow. I’m sorry I didn’t post anything today. It’s rather pitiful of me to put off things when I know you all are the only reason I can even stay motivated anymore.

Have a nice night, (or morning, depending on where you are) my darlings. 💕

[bananashemmo]

#261: You Hate Each Other | High School AU

A/N:

I know it might be weird considering the boys are college ages now and high school AU’s are pretty much dying but i still adore them very much and I’ve always wanted to write something alone the lines of this. Rivals were something I also had in high school and let’s be honest nothing is better than haters turning into lovers.

Read When We Collide here //  Find my Masterlist here   

Luke:

”When you think nothing can be worse than history classes.” You mumbled under your breath and tried to breathe, your heart racing and in fast pace and your head spinning. You could feel your legs were to the point of turning into jelly but you seemed like the only person to have such struggles. Everyone around you didn’t seem to struggle the least bit, they were all running together two and two trying to get to the finish line as the first. It was an usual P.E class, aka morning hell and why not start it out the worst way by running? You hated it more than life, getting sweaty and having to use your body in ways it was never used to. “Look at you sunshine.” You rolled your eyes and tried to run faster when Luke suddenly showed up from your behind, the expression on his face showing nothing else but surplus. “Go away Luke.” You breathed and tried to move between a few others to get away from him but with his long legs and pretty good fitness he was quick to run beside you again. “Why? it’s not a well morning if I haven’t annoyed out your ass.” He commented with a smirk, “You know, some needs coffee other needs a cigarette. I have my own ways.” “Well your ways suck.” You spat, you were pretty amazed how you hadn’t stopped running yet you almost couldn’t breath. He looked at you with a challenged look and with one push you were out of the running lane and heading towards the trees that formed a small forest. You were out of breath and felt his hands on your shoulders keeping on pushing, you were almost ready to collide and fall onto the fresh leaves. "What are you doing?" You questioned confused, looking up at him with wide eyes as he pressed you against one of the trees. "Having my own way." He announced, he was out of breath himself and looked down at you with furrowed eyebrows. "Your own ways?" You mumbled off and curious, not really knowing what to say and his hands were still on you. "Yes." He breathed and leaned down to give you a breathless kiss. It was quick yet so passionate you were left even more confused when he pulled back and decided to run back to the field with the rest.

Calum:

“And Y/N you will partner up with... Calum.” Your head shut up so fast it was ready to fall from your body, your eyes were wide and your jaw was to the point of touching the table beneath you. The expression on your teacher’s face was bored, and it didn’t help when you smacked your hand against the table in anger. “I’m not gonna work with him!” You spat and watched as Calum placed his books on top of each other to change his seat and planted his ass on the chair next to yours. “It was a random choice Y/N.” The teacher reminded but you didn't care. “I protest!” “You’re a high school student, Y/N. Not a debater. Now would you show Mr. Hood a bit of respect and start your protect. I’ve got other groups to assign.” You rolled your eyes and fell in your chair by her words, like you would actually listen to her. Calum was nothing else but a spoiled jock, you didn’t want to waste a minute on him! “You heard her.” He hummed from your side and pressed his pencil into the skin of his chin. You looked over at him and gave him a bored look, wanting to make him shut up already by forcing your book in his face. “For once show something respect." "And what? Be nice to you? I'd rather dissect a frog." You didn't want to look at him and glanced back at the books in front of you. You were never fond of reading but now it was the only thing that seemed to get your attention. "Y/N." He hummed, poking you with his pencil. "Calum I'm reading and so should you. We're two in this project there's no way I'm letting you get away with me doing all the job." You could hear a small cough come from him in respond but you didn't want to look up at him. A challenged expression came to his face by your lack of interest and he decided to poke you again. Once, twice, and by the third time you couldn't take it anymore so you grabbed it fast and broke it into two. "Read." You spoke in monotone, looking at him with daring eyes before they adverted back to the pages. A small smile came to his face by your reaction and he looked down at the book as well in achievement.

Michael:

“But that doesn’t make any sense! We’re in a country of free speech and that means everyone is allowed to express their opinions without being told you’re an idiot!” You were so angry you were almost knocking down the chair behind you after standing up, just to show how you were feeling about this. “Well when we’re in situations like these where you’re completely off the actual topic then yes, Y/N, you’re an idiot.” Michael replied with the exact same tone as you and stood up from his chair as well. “Maybe if you woke up one day and saw it from another perspective than your own you would actually understand what is going on.” Your eyes widened and you opened your mouth ready to reply but that was when your teacher slammed her hands on her desk. “Y/N, Michael, that’s enough. High social classes are for debates yes but this is getting out of hand. I’m gonna ask you both to leave the class room immediately.” You looked over at her surprised but there was no way you could argue with her without getting attention. It was with a huge death glare towards Michael your threw your bag over your shoulder and leaded out of the classroom with him in your heels. “This is all your fault!” “My fault?” He spat and crossed his arms. “You were the one starting the argument in the first place.” You tossed your bag to the floor and smacked the door shut to the classroom. The argument would only get worse from now that you were out and free to say anything you wanted without weird glares. "I didn't start anything you're just always the opposite of me! I can't express anything without having you right in my heels to comment on something and literally lick Mrs. Claire's ass!" He furrowed his eyebrows by your words and crossed his arms again, the sun streaming in his face through the windows. "I'm not licking her ass I'm just trying to point out something because you always have a comment in something. Maybe you should let others talk?" "No because when you do it's only crap coming out." You almost wanted to yell, looking up at him with an angry expression but he didn't say anything. He was looking down at you with such an intense stare you felt your heart skip a beat, something you hadn't felt before with him.

Ashton:

“What are you two yelling about this time?” Calum almost groaned and moved past to stand between you. He could tell from the distance that something was up and since your voices had been echoing throughout the whole gymnastic hall. “He's being unreasonable!” You almost wanted to step your feet on the ground in pure frustration after explanation to Calum what was going on. “I’m not being unreasonable you’re just being unrealistic.” Ashton argued and folded the sleeves of his football jersey, looking over at his best friend for help. “Y/N thinks that it will be best if we give some of the football field to the cheerleaders.” “Yes, because it’s a part of our job to cheer and lead when you’re playing a game! How come it be so weird!” You yelled back, this wasn’t the first time you were arguing. It happened every single time there was practice for the cheerleaders and the football team, you could never get along. Ashton was too stuck up in his own football to realize and the fact that he was captain didn't make it any better. He thought he was the owner of everything but you were there to prove him wrong. “But if you’re asses are filling the whole thing we’re not able to play football properly. Important games are coming up and we need to focus on more important things that showing your knickers under your skirts." Your mouth opened wide by his words and you almost wanted to smack your hands against his chest in anger. Calum was standing behind you with the same boring look as always, why did he even bother to break in? It was always the same between you and Ashton. "You're just a freaking ass Ashton. Maybe that should have been your name." You pushed past him to get through and go back to the rest of your friends, you didn't care you wanted to fill the whole football field if it was possible just to annoy the crap out of him. "I fucking hate her." Ashton mumbled below his breath and cracked his knuckles in reaction. Calum looked over his shoulder and leaned down to tie the knot that had loosened on his football shoes. "You love her knickers though." He announced in a low tone but it was enough for Ashton to hear, his eyes wide and following you head back towards the girls.

[brigdh]

Reading Wednesday

The Manor: Three Centuries at a Slave Plantation on Long Island by Mac Griswold. A fascinating piece of microhistory focused on a single family farm in Eastern Long Island. The Sylvester Manor, as it's now called, was first settled by an English-Dutch family in 1652, and the current house dates to the 1730s. And yet was still being lived in as a normal family home! Griswold, the author, literally stumbled over the house while rowing around Long Island and made friends with the current owners, eventually even convincing them to allow multiple seasons of archaeological excavation in their front yard. The book is based on those excavations, as well as historical research, family legends, and Griswold's own speciality as a landscape historian (she was particularly interested in how the various trees and shrubs came to the plantation). Although there's three centuries of history to cover, the focus is very much on the first generation of the family, with everyone later than 1801 getting short shrift. Which was fine by me, since that's the period I was most interested in. Griswold makes a valiant effort to put the focus on the enslaved Africans and Native Americans of the plantation, but inevitably there's simply many more documents and details available about the white masters. I think she does a good job with what she has to work with, and does produce some fascinating finds, but it's just not much in comparison to the European history. As is, sadly, so often the case. Sylvester Manor was a northern provisioning plantation, which means that it grew the food, bred the horses, and crafted the barrels necessary for the running of their partnered sugar plantation down on Barbados. The history of Northern slavery has been mostly forgotten (or erased, depending on your perspective), and this book does an excellent job of demonstrating how closely tied together North and South were economically, rather than the antagonist perspective you get from many simplistic histories of the Civil War. A good book, though I'm still searching for my one ideal history of NYC slavery. (For a comparison, if you want to read just one book about slavery in the NYC area, I'd highly recommend this one over last week's New York Burning.) The Lion in the Living Room: How House Cats Tamed Us and Took Over the World by Abigail Tucker. Despite loving my two cats very much, and enjoying watching YouTube cat videos as much as any person on the internet, I am not actually one to read many books about cats. Everything from cozy cat mysteries to true-life inspirational cats turns me off. In fact, a cat on the cover is more likely to make me turn a book down than to pick it up. (I might make an exception for I Could Pee on This, and Other Poems by Cats.) And yet here I am, reading a book about cats! The Lion in the Living Room is a pop-science book (very much in the style of Mary Roach or Sarah Vowell) about the history of cats. Her main topic is how they became domesticated – or if they even are domesticated – looking at the archaeology, biology, and history of humans' relationship with cats. She also covers topics from how good cats actually are at controlling rats and mice (spoiler: not very), Victorian cat shows, newly developed breeds, the impact of cats on the environment, the rise of the NTR (Neuter-Trap-Release) approach to controlling street cat populations, the history of the LolCat meme, toxoplasmosis (the parasite in cat's urine that might attract sufferers to cats), Egyptian religion, and interviews internet star Lil Bub. There's a ton of fun and fascinating facts sprinkled throughout the book. I particularly liked it for its straightforward scientific approach to cats, without much fluffiness, which unfortunately seems to be causing many negative reviews (I guess if being told that housecats are massively contributing to the extinction of birds and small mammals hurts your feelings, this may not be the book for you. Though I don't know how any reasonably well-informed adult doesn't already know that). Highly recommended for a breezy look at the history and science of cats. The Resurrectionist by Matthew Guinn. A novel I'd been stumbling across in different bookstores for the last several months, always being intrigued by the cover but never quite enough to buy it. And then I found it for $2 in a second-hand store and finally brought it home. Well, I'm glad I only paid $2. In 1999, Jacob Thacker is a doctor with the South Carolina Medical College, currently stuck on administrative duty as he recovers from a Xanax addiction. This past makes it easy for the Dean to blackmail him when a construction team uncovers dozens of human skeletons in the college's basement. Jacob is ordered to cover it up without the press finding out, even if that means reburying the bodies somewhere secret. In alternating chapters the book jumps back to the 1850s and 60s to tell the story of Nemo Johnston, first enslaved and then free, who is also employed by the South Carolina Medical College. The school's very first Dean used Nemo as 'resurrectionist', a grave robber with the task of procuring dead bodies, mostly of other black men and women, for the school's students to practice on. Nemo is, of course, the source of the skeletons Jacob is being forced to deal with. Jacob is kind of a terrible human being. He refers to his partner as a "woman in a man's world" because she's a lawyer; describes an ethnically Japanese coworker in this way: "Janice is as American as he is, but he can never help feeling that there is some reserve of samurai in her, some native allegiance passed down in the genes, that views him as the foreigner every time they meet"; and, when he first learns about the existence of Nemo, calls him "the poor, dumb bastard". It was around that last line when I decided that the author was deliberately writing Jacob as a dick, and perhaps that is the case since Jacob's entire plotline revolves around gaining enough courage and empathy to not accede to the cover-up. But since it takes being fired, blackballed, and rescued from his ensuing suicidal despair to consider that, hey, maybe the current African-American community has a right to their ancestors' remains!, I think the author drastically underestimated how incredibly horrible Jacob comes off as. Even if that wasn't the case, Nemo's story is simply vastly more interesting than Jacob's. Unfortunately he gets much less page time and not really a plot arc so much as a series of random vignettes at different times of his life. At one point he gets elevated to the role of teacher – a black professor of a medical college! in the South! before the Civil War! – but how this came about or his feelings regarding it are never explained. And some of what little page time he gets is taken up by the story of white nurse Sara Thacker, who (spoiler, I suppose, but it's super obvious from page one) turns out to be Jacob's great-great-grandmother. I think Guinn was trying to do something about class or women's rights with this idea, but the plotline honestly is so thin that it feels like a last-minute addition which never got fleshed out enough to be worthwhile. At least Nemo doesn't turn out to be Jacob's great-great-grandfather, because I honestly spent at least fifty pages terrified that a tragic mulatto novel had somehow been published in 2014. Overall: interesting premise, terrible execution.

(LJ post for easier comments | DW, ditto)

[wanderingfan]

To Anyone Invested in the Current Pewdiepie Drama I Have Some Things to Say

I Have a Horrid Confession to Make...I was one of those kids that watched peediepie religiously. (yes I misspelled his name and no I won’t change it)

Don’t get me wrong. I stopped watching him in like my second year of high school. But it’s not because I realized he was a awful glob of wood glue right then and there.  This was almost a decade ago, before his antics made even gaming new sites, and while I was aware he made some awful jokes (namely ones about periods and that one Ao Oni video that I sincerely hope has been deleted by now) it didn’t stop me from simply moving on to the next video.  Sadly what stopped me was just that I got bored of him.  I, unaware of myself, quietly grew out of that phase of my life where I loved when he’d mentioned barrels and looked at deviantart to see how people depicted a pig and a golden statue from Amnesia. 

I was one of those embarrassing commenters who’d talk about the bro army and how we should be mad at barrels instead of each other and yes I deleted my entire account because I had the same one for five years and Youtube wouldn’t let me delete all my comments at once.  I did similarly embarrassing things for the Nostalgia Critic and MatPat too.  And like Pewdiepie, I grew out of that phase before their crap caught up with them.  I didn’t have the ability to reflect on my watching habit until my third year of college, and that’s because I was a closeted white girl who didn’t know I was closeted, who didn’t have a tumblr account until I turned 18, and had a high school history teacher that compared Pearl Harbor to the Atomic Bomb that was given the Best Teacher Award every year (she was fired eventually but it was long after I graduated.)

I think the name Wandering Fan suits me because while I fixate of certain sources of entertainment I move on fast.  When its good it can pull me back to series I loved (Undertale dont at me, Fruits Basket, The Last Airbender, ect.) but oftentimes when I look back on the stuff I used to obsess about I’m mortified (Ib, Twilight and Host, that one film about the two headed dragon that wore an Elvis outfit, god I can’t believe I told my family about Vampire Knight, ect.)

And I think as a wandering consumer I’ve gotten lucky to not put all my eggs in the wrong basket, but don’t think I’m fooling myself or that I think I’m above the people who are still in that eggs-in-one-basket phase.  If Pewdiepie did his anti-semite antics and his “oh i didn’t MEAN to promote a neo-nazi” spiel back when I was in middle school I absolutely would have been one of his defenders who thought his critics were just a little too mean to him.  Because I was part of the “bro army.”  Because I invested myself to watching his videos daily, even at the expense of the numerous things I could have done to improve myself, like actually reading the assigned books or practicing music.  I couldn’t have wasted my time watching him.  He was “important” to me.

But now I’m 23 years old.  I’m not the teenage girl who was encouraged to be kind and understanding to the worst kinds of people anymore.  I’m not the very smart very intellectual young lady who tried debating sexist boys younger than me when the new hip new thing to say was “not all men” and “sjws hate all men” and every girl who complained about character designs.  So when I learn that the people I currently follow and look up to do a bad, I can move on pretty easily.

Here’s the thing though.  While I naturally grow out of phases, I still had to actively learn to change how I view people and what it really takes to be observant.  I can still be nice, but I can also refuse to play polite when I know people are being malicious, unawares or not.  People have to actively learn to do better and be better for others, even if that means stepping on a few toes and letting go of the people you like.  Pewdiepie is 29.  As far as I know he never had to learn to do better, so he won’t be better.  There’s no incentive for him to.  There will always be young fans who will always watch him, because even if these fans move on there’ll always be younger fans to take their place.

All of this to say if you’re a 13-16 year-old mad at people being mean to Pewdiepie, you’re not an awful human being because the person you enjoy is in trouble and you want to defend them.  But he’s not worth it, and you’re going to grow out of him.  Pewdiepie is not the hill you’re going to die on.  People do not die on the hills they’ve claimed to be ready to die on, because eventually they’ll forget why they’re there and climb back down.  They’ll move on to other hills to die on, or they realize they can’t die on this hill, and will just enjoy the view for what it is.  But the people around them also don’t forget how they’ve been hurt, and threatened, and scared because of people who’ll die on the hill at the expense of everyone else’s safety and well-being.

But while Pewdiepie’s the hill you plan to die on I’m going to give you a bit of advice: next time you go on Youtube, search for something random, it could be about a game you’re interested in, or an animal you like, or a Simpson’s clip you heard referenced tons of times but never actually saw firsthand, or that vine where a guy high-fived a bumble-bee.  Do about three searches for different topics, then pick a video out from the suggestions page from an uploader you’ve never watched before.  Then go back to a Pewdiepie video.  You might realize you forgot about Pewdiepie for awhile, and maybe, just maybe, you’re interest in him will slowly but surely fade out of you’re mind.

And maybe a few years down the line you’ll be a little more ready to reflect on the people you looked up to and what you did in the time.  Look at your old comments and/or videos defending Pewdiepie and saying what he did wasn’t as bad and didn’t really hurt anyone, and anyone criticizing him is just an overreacting pc sjw.  Look at the people you might have hurt along the way and ask if they deserved it.

Self-reflection isn’t an ability that can grow without your awareness, like your nails or your hair.  Its like puberty.  It feels gross, and uncomfortable, and it’ll make you feel like a rotten apple a lot of times.  It’ll hurt.  It will make you feel bad, and you will not want to do it, and there’s a lot of people online who won’t make the attempt until they hit their twenties like me.  But the earlier you do it the easier it’ll be to avoid being fixated on people like Pewdiepie.  You don’t have to force yourself to hate Pewdiepie.  You just have to realize he’s not going to do better, but you can do better than him, and you no longer need him in your life.

Sorry for impromptu Ted Talk/ You’re-Not-Even-A-Mom-Stop-Acting-Like-One Lecture I just remembered my really embarrassing bro army comments from way back when and the fact that I deleted my account and had to resubscribe to like 200 channels ADD A DELETE ALL COMMENTS OPTION YOUTUBE PLS THX. 

[republicstandard]

The Rot in Academia

“Unlimited tolerance is a paradox. We don’t have to tolerate the intolerant.”-Lindsay Briggs

The hostility toward the notion of individual liberty and freedom of speech is evident everywhere you look these days, perhaps no more apparently than on college campuses. With alarming regularity, from moral panics to “anti-fascist” riots to professors with ties to ISIS, it has been incident after incident illustrating how deeply corrupted academia has become. From the lunacy of a Vanderbilt professor blaming 9/11 on racism, slavery, and the Navajo genocide to a Diablo Valley College professor smashing someone’s head with a bike lock, the modern academy—with its Cult-Marx professoriate, bloated bureaucracies that ensure “compliance” with the ruthless efficiency of the NKVD, and SJW student-activists—is no longer the bastion of open inquiry and debate it was intended to be. George Waldner, president emeritus of York College, stated:

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In the last five years, we’ve certainly had an increasing number of free speech confrontations on many campuses across the country. Halloween costumes at Yale, the ‘Trump’ chalkings at Emory University …There have probably been 30 or 40 of these [incidents] in the last five years.

“All I want for Christmas is white genocide.” ~George Ciccarillo-Maher

I would venture it’s been many more than that, especially if you include the on-campus hate crime hoaxes. A university education looks ever-more like a combination of a Soviet re-education camp and a day-care. The student body seems to be regressing to a median age of about five, Marx’s dictums spoon-fed to them by doughy professional axe-grinders, agitators, and grievance-mongers. If sticks and stones break their bones, then words are what really hurt. As Jim Goad wrote in The Redneck Manifesto:

HATE SPEECH is the most Orwellian concept to emerge from the twentieth-century twilight. It is especially deceptive because it hides behind a Happy Face mask. Most people want to be on the side of love, right? Like all dangerous ideas, the notion of hate speech sounds good until dismantled piece by piece. The first problem is with the term’s vagueness. Hate speech, apparently, has become anything they hate. Through relentless exposure to well-meaning, soft-suds imagery, otherwise intelligent people have been brainwashed to believe that “hate” is a satisfactory explanation for any human action. Reducing complex sociopolitical struggles to a matter of “hate” is as simplistic as blaming it on “sin,” but they fall for it.

And boy are they falling for it. The omnipresence of “hate” appears to be the main preoccupation of the professoriate and the administrative commissars, and is certainly one of the central fixtures of campus life. Trinity College professor Johnny Eric Williams took to his Twitter account to use the hashtag #LetThemFuckingDie in reference to white males; similarly, former Drexel professor George Ciccarillo-Maher opined that, “All I want for Christmas is white genocide.” Texas A&M professor Tommy Curry advocated violence against whites as a corrective measure to perceived racism in a podcast interview back in 2012. Now-terminated Essex County College professor Lisa Durden taunted whites on Tucker Carlson when the host pressed her on her support for racially-exclusionary events:

“Boo-hoo-hoo, you white people are just angry you couldn’t use your white privilege card to get invited to the Black Lives Matter all-black Memorial Day celebration.”

University of Delaware anthropology professor Kathy Dettwyler declared on Facebook that Otto Warmbier “got exactly what he deserved” when he was tortured to death by North Korea because he was “typical of a mind-set of a lot of the young, white, rich, clueless males.” According to Boston University professor Saida Grundy, “White masculinity isn’t a problem for America’s colleges, white masculinity is THE problem for America’s colleges.” John Griffin of the Art Institute of Washington believes that Republicans “should be lined up and shot. That’s not hyperbole.” Fresno State professor Randa Jarrar gloated over the death of Barbara Bush on Twitter (sic):

“Barbara Bush was a generous and smart and amazing racist who, along with her husband, raised a war criminal. I’m happy the witch is dead. Can’t wait for the rest of her family to fall to their demise the way 1.5 million iraqis have. Byyyeeeeeeee.”

Kevin Allred, formerly of Rutgers University, had the following to say on Twitter: “Will the Second Amendment be as cool when I buy a gun and start shooting at random white people or no …?” Another Boston University professor, Kyna Hamill, published a paper condemning “Jingle Bells” for its “racist history” as a jingle in blackface. Sarah Bond of the University of Iowa lamented the fact that sculptures from the classical world are now primarily associated with white marble. Princeton University Keeanga-Yamahtta Taylor made the deeply revealing and insightful comments during her commencement address at Hampshire College that Donald Trump is a “racist, sexist megalomaniac.”

As Middlebury, Yale, Evergreen State, and Berkeley have shown, the students are just as eager to get in on the action. Lucía Martínez Valdivia, a mixed-race “queer” assistant professor of English at Reed College, had a lecture about Sappho disrupted by students protesting the college’s mandatory humanities class as “white supremacist.” Just when you think the Left cannot get any more preposterous, there you go—protesting a queer, mixed-race woman’s lecture on a queer female poet. The protesters also indicted Aristotle and Plato for good measure. Martínez Valdivia states:

Nuance and careful reasoning are not the tools of the oppressor, meant to deceive and gaslight and undermine and distract. On the contrary: These tools can help prove what those who use them think — or even what they feel — to be true. They make arguments more, not less, convincing, using objective evidence to make a point rather than relying on the persuasive power of a subjective feeling…Ultimately, this is a call for empathy, for stretching our imaginations to try to inhabit and understand positions that aren’t ours and the points of view of people who aren’t us. A grounding in the study of the humanities can help students encounter ideas with care and…realizing — and accepting — that no person, no text, no class, is without flaws. The things we study are, after all, products of human hands.

She’s absolutely correct, but the un-reasoning Left refuses to consider what is actually a very insightful commentary on the nature of creation so fundamental to the arts, and on the beauty and tragedy of a fatally-flawed humanity. This idea that empathy does not need to be divorced from logic and reason—that it is in fact inextricably intertwined and that rationality and critical thinking aren’t “tools of white supremacy” but are instead universally applicable and vital to processing the world and the people in it in all their dimensionality—is increasingly becoming antithetical to the deeply sentimental worldview of the Left wing, where the Western logos itself has become the enemy of emotive, panicked hysteria masquerading as a coherent set of principles. In this infantile worldview of good-and-bad, “hate,” as the Jim Goad quote discusses, is a sufficient explanation for people’s motivations, and for anything that falls outside the ideological confines of Leftist “thought.”

One thing is clear—dissent will not be tolerated. Will Creeley, an attorney for the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE), expresses concern that the:

“U.S. Supreme Court’s stark warning in Sweezy v. New Hampshire will prove prophetic: ‘Teachers and students must always remain free to inquire, to study and to evaluate, to gain new maturity and understanding; otherwise our civilization will stagnate and die.’”

Though he is dead wrong about group identity and has of late turned into a bit of a Zionist shill, Dr. Jordan Peterson is a very astute observer of the Cultural Marxism that has taken firm hold of the university campuses in North America and beyond. Peterson refers to the Leftist buzzwords of “diversity,” “equity,” and “inclusivity” as the Unholy Trinity, and I might be so presumptuous as to add a fourth: trauma. This is the lynchpin of the push for safe spaces, the conflation of speech with violence, and the drive to dis-invite and de-platform speakers who run afoul of the egalitarians. Nevertheless, these poisonous ideas have seeped deep into the fabric of academia, where they are not only perpetuated and remain unchallenged, but spread into our society’s daily discourse as a direct result of sustained attempts at indoctrination in the academy, and increasingly even earlier in K-12.

The reason things seem to be deteriorating on campus has everything to do with its closed environment, where dissenting opinions are discouraged and forced out, and mutually reinforcing viewpoints are encouraged and advanced. Essentially you then have an echo chamber environment where bad or at least faulty ideas are perpetuated and due to viewpoint uniformity (and hostility to different perspectives) the ideas and suppositions advanced in the academy are never challenged, and in the rare instances where dissenting evidence emerges from the university setting (such as Dr. Richard Lynn’s IQ research), the data is suppressed and the individual responsible is punished or marginalized in some way. Political orientation is a pretty good proxy for worldview; for all of the talk of diversity, in this crucial area it is sorely lacking. From a 2016 survey, we see that liberal professors in New England outnumber conservatives 28-to-1. From a study conducted by UCLA published in 2012, we can see the growing uniformity among the professoriate nation-wide is approaching a totality of the profession:

CHART

By 2014, a mere 10% of professors identified as conservative. They remain largely confined to business and the hard sciences. In a sample of fifty-one of the top sixty liberal arts colleges studied by the National Association of Scholars’ Mitchell Langbert this year, 39% of faculties had zero Republicans, and out of a pool of nearly 8,700 professors, registered Democrats outnumbered registered Republicans ten-to-one.

As uniform in their beliefs as professors generally are, John Wilson, an editor of the AAUP’s “Academe” blog, believes that it is the administrators who are really the problem as the architects and enforcers of the censorship and speech codes that are so prevalent on college campuses. As one example of the blood-engorged ticks that are collegiate bureaucracies/administrations, the University of Michigan has ninety-three full-time diversity and equity staff, twenty-six of whom earn six figures, while nationally 49% of college classes are taught by adjunct (part-time) professors with no semester-to-semester guarantee of classes and no benefits (to their credit Ann Arbor only has 17% of its classes taught by adjuncts). Jon Marcus from the New England Center for Investigative Reporting illuminates:

The number of non-academic administrative and professional employees at U.S. colleges and universities has more than doubled in the last 25 years, vastly outpacing the growth in the number of students or faculty, according to an analysis of federal figures. The disproportionate increase in the number of university staffers who neither teach nor conduct research has continued unabated in more recent years. From 1987 until 2011-12…universities and colleges collectively added 517,636 administrators and professional employees, or an average of 87 every working day, according to the analysis of federal figures…“There’s just a mind-boggling amount of money per student that’s being spent on administration,” said Andrew Gillen, a senior researcher at the institutes. “It raises a question of priorities.” Universities have added these administrators and professional employees even as they’ve substantially shifted classroom teaching duties from full-time faculty to less-expensive part-time adjunct faculty and teaching assistants…Since 1987, universities have also started or expanded departments devoted to marketing, diversity, disability, sustainability, security, environmental health, recruiting, technology, and fundraising, and added new majors and graduate and athletics programs, satellite campuses, and conference centers… “It’s almost Orwellian,” said [economist Richard] Vedder. “They’ll say, ‘We’ll save money if we centralize.’ Then they hire a provost or associate provost or an assistant business manager in charge of shared services, and then that person hires an assistant, and you end up with more people than you started with.”

All of this should rightly beg the question of what purpose all of this administrative bloat serves. It certainly isn’t to benefit the quality of the education students receive, and it only adds to the onerous costs of attaining a college degree. The aforementioned AAUP is responsible for the 1915 document that still stands as the golden standard of the mission statement of what a university’s actual purpose should be:

To promote inquiry and advance the sum of human knowledge;

To provide general instruction to the students; and

To develop experts for various branches of the public service.

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Nowhere is there an imperative to produce “professional activists” or advocate for that most nebulous of terms: social justice. Public service in this context is to contribute to society in a productive and meaningful way, be it as an engineer, a rocket scientist, or a teacher. Instead, students learn the wonders of communism (according to a 2017 survey, 44% of Millennials surveyed preferred to live under a socialist system), whites learn to hate themselves, and everyone else learns to hate them. A recent event at The College of William & Mary sponsored by the ACLU entitled “Students and the First Amendment” was shut down due to Black Lives Matter protesters, who exercised the “heckler’s veto” and asserted, among the usual tripe, that “Liberalism is White Supremacy.” Where else can you go from there? What common ground can there be when the Left is saying its own professed values of pluralism and tolerance are white supremacy?

from Republic Standard | Conservative Thought & Culture Magazine https://ift.tt/2KzaJOd via IFTTT

[placetobenation]

PTBN Learns Jeff #1

or…

Things Jeff Loves/Hates?

Jeffrey! Hello!??

Jeff on Things???

I don’t know. maybe I don’t need a title…

If you have listened to the “Jeff Learns Wrestling” podcast (and frankly, why wouldn’t you?) you know that I have seen some hard times the past few months. Chief among my woes is the end of my four-year relationship, which at times I was sure was one of the top five or ten best love stories in history, both actual and literary. So what happened? How did I lose my fiancé? How does someone, with absolute certainty, agree to spend the rest of her life with me one day, then decide she never wanted to see me again the next? The answer lies within my very complicated relationship with that which makes up the entirety of existence: things.

The days and weeks following the breakup were defined by tormenting moments of solitary thought and exasperating conversations with loved ones. One particular conversation will go down as my most memorable, as I was ranting and raving about the situation at my sister’s house. I came to an abrupt conclusion from all the fights we had had: “I just hate everything… I guess that’s the main problem”. To which my sister very calmly and matter-of-factly replied, “Yes”.

Quite a revelation. I got dumped because my fiancé thinks I hate everything. Who wants to spend their life with someone like that? My sister isn’t about to stop hanging out with me, but that’s what makes relationships different. My sister will always be my sister, no matter how big of a douche I am. But to have a successful relationship, regardless of the person, you have to work hard. Really, really hard. And such is my failure, because with regard to my perceived hatred of everything, from even those closest to me, the sad fact is this: IT”S NOT TRUE!!!!

I love lots of things. And you can all take me at my word by listening to my podcasts. I love Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Josh Richer, wrestling (maybe… the jury is still out on that one), talking about those things, laughing, making people laugh, and many more things. This is why I am here, to talk about things. Things I love and things I hate, and how my feelings toward any particular thing are constantly evolving and confusing to people who know me. My high school biology teacher once caught me napping in class, so he slammed on my desk and asked me to explain the cellular wall of a plant cell, which I did with perfect eloquence. His comment was among the wisest description of me ever made: “Machado, you are a paradox”. He was such a good teacher I went to a college with an awesome biology program… and then I realized I hated biology.

This column will therefore be my attempt to solve The Jeff Paradox (trademark pending). I’m here to talk about things. Anything and everything. They tell you in school a noun is a person, place, or thing. I always thought that was dumb, since people and places are also things. When people say I hate everything, they think I hate people. Also not true. In fact, the thing I love second most in the world is people (we will get to the number one thing in a later piece. Probably…). Not specific people, I mean I only truly love a small number of people with names and faces and whatnot… I mean the idea of people. The phenomenon of a race of animals with conscious thought, who can love each other, and entertain each other, and make fun of each other. 

Since I am not an expert on any one particular thing, for example, I know a lot about movies and TV and literature, but not as much as say, JT knows about wrestling. My expertise will simply have to be self analysis; they say to be an expert in something in takes 10,000 hours of practice, and I have spend that times a million obsessing over anything and everything relating to me inside my head. OK intro over, let’s talk about golf.

Before we get to golf I have to interrupt with a dream I just had before I forget it. I hate when people talk about their dreams but I love talking about my dreams. I was half Luke Skywalker and half me. I was moving through some underground lair searching for what must have been the Emperor and I slayed three beasts: a lion (cut its head off), a spider (strangled with its own web) and a Tremors-like worm (set it on fire). I got to the Emperor and he kept shape-shifting and it was clear his magic was far beyond mine, but we just kept sword-fighting, unable to land any blows, and I wondered when the lightning bolt to the face was coming. (During all of this terror, I never felt afraid. And every nightmare I have had over the past decade or so, I’ve never felt afraid. This is both reassuring of my usefulness in a crisis, and deeply troubling, because generally, the lack of fear denotes some kind of broken personality issues. But anyway… ) Eventually I said “OK, timeout. Can we call this a draw? I mean it’s been like five solid minutes already and enough is enough” to which he replied “OK. It’s a draw”. So he led me to the exit which was lined with guards and desk secretaries, and I hugged everyone on the way out like I just completed the ninja warrior course or something. When I got to the surface, it was 1950something. I thought this was cool, not seeming to mind that nobody I knew was around, nor considering how I had time-traveled or whether I could ever get back. I walked into a restaurant (because, as I was about to wake up, I was hungry) and the meals on the tables consisted of a fried chicken, Twinkies, and a pack of Camel cigarettes, and there was a sign in the window that read “Daily Special: 75 cents”. The moral of the story is I hate how expensive cigarettes are now.

The U.S. Open was last weekend. There is no greater perennial disappointment in sports than the U.S. Open. The Masters is always great, the British Open is pretty cool, even if the competition sucks it’s fun to see the gloomy, rainy landscape. The PGA isn’t a real thing. It’s just another tournament and the term “grand slam” is too cool not to use, so here you go, here’s a fourth one. But the U.S. Open is supposed to be the big one. Father’s Day weekend, the democratic nature of qualification, the hardest courses, it has all the ingredients for high drama. So why does it suck? Only boring guys win it.

Look, I’m not going to sit here and cry about Tiger Woods. Just because he is one of my top five athletes of all time, and watching him dominate during his peak gave me hope that there was some greater purpose and meaning to life, and the hope of him winning again at 42 would validate my own potential assent to prosperity after 30. No pressure, Tiger. But if he’s not going to be at the top, who am I supposed to route for? I hate Jordan Spieth. I hate Rory McIlroy. And goddammit I hate Brooks Koepka! I blame Tiger for him. Tiger made real athletes start playing golf as kids when they should be knocking each other out on the football field. Koepka should be a linebacker. Linebackers don’t have to do 15 minute press conferences every day because nobody wants to hear how confident they are. And no human being should be able to hit a golf ball 400 yards. I am a strong advocate of wooden rackets in tennis and wooden woods in golf (stay tuned for the article: I love/hate technology).

To answer my own question: I’m rooting for the fat guys. Patrick Reed won the Masters. I can get behind this guy. He is currently not speaking to his parents because they didn’t want him to get married to his hot wife. I always hated Phil Mickelson, being a Tiger guy. But they are friends now which means I can make room for both. Going into the tournament, I thought it would be cool for Reed to go back-to-back or for Mickelson to win his first Open and complete the career grand slam (see how cool that sounds? It means you’re better than anybody else who may have won four random tournaments that you haven’t won). Instead we got Koepka versus the most boring figure in sports since Pete Sampras: Dustin Johnson.

Let’s go back to the fat guys for a second. I think people like them because they’re fat. People love John Daly. I understand the struggle, having gained 30 pounds since being hit by a car. I’ve only been in shape once in my life and that was when I first became a mailman, when the shock of walking 15 miles a day took hold of my sub-30-year-old metabolism for two glorious years. But these guys are rich, on TV, and paid to play a sport! How are they fat?! Seriously. If I could pay for a chef and trainer, I would be Brad Pitt in Fight Club level ripped. I guess the answer is why do they need to bother, I mean they got hot women to marry them anyway. But if I were them, I would be motivated to get in shape because of the constant realization that these women only married me because I’m good at golf. 10s don’t marry 3s. It just doesn’t happen. But, like Annie says in Bull Durham, “this world wasn’t made for people cursed with self awareness”.

Dustin Johnson holed a bunker shot, to extend his lead in the U.S. Open, and tapped the sand out of his cleats and raised a hand to the crowd. How is this possible. How does someone put in all the work he must have put in to become this good at a sport, and show so little emotion? He’s like a giant squinty-eyed robot. The main reason I can’t root for him, and I can’t believe nobody talks about this, is that his huge package is always out there for the whole world to see. Now that I’ve mentioned this you won’t be able to look at him again and see anything else, so you’re welcome. He’s like seven feet tall and wears tight pants made out of some soft sweatpants-like material. It looks like a sack of potatoes, as in, more than one potato. If I were gifted in this way, I would not be able to hit golf balls all day. Talent is wasted on the wrong people, I swear to God.

Robots win the U.S. Open because if you have feelings, and creativity, the course eventually causes you to lose your shit. Most people lose it internally, and just keep shooting bogeys, then try not to blame the course in the post-round interview while deliberately blaming the course. Except Mickelson, of course, who swatted a moving ball that was about to run off the green. He is getting a ton of criticism for that, which naturally means I loved it, and I now like him that much more. I hate “respect for the game”. These guys need a philosophy coach. All they care about is par, and there’s no such thing as par. There is only what the other guy shoots. Zach Johnson clearly doesn’t understand what Einstein was talking about with Relativity, and that’s why he’ll never win the U.S. Open. 

Congrats to Brooks Koepka. I’m sure he celebrated with some standup sex, which I’ve never had the arm strength to pull off. Tough break for DJ, but at least his wife is happy. (Have you figured out what the thing I love most is yet?) Maybe he can win the PGA Championship, whatever the hell that is. A “major” is a “major” I guess. 

Maybe Tiger can try WWE? He did train with the Navy SEALs…

[prophetkristy]

slayer of stars

Twenty years ago today, I came down the hill from my History 101 course with my brain a-whirring, made my way to the computer lab in the dungeon basement of my dorm, logged onto Usenet [1], and posted the following to alt.fan.wedge:

Subject: SW and animism From: Kristy <…@uidaho.edu> Date: 1997/08/28 Message-ID: <872787391.28561@dejanews.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.wedge

Okay, I just got back from my History of Western Civilization class, and I have to vent. It’s no secret that GL got his ideas from other cultures and traditions. So it wasn’t too surprising when my teacher(who’s pretty awesome, IMO) was explaining animism today, he used SW as an example. (it sure made taking notes a lot easier. ::g::) Animists believe that the universe is alive, i.e., the Force is there. And they have shamans who are basically Jedi knights. I identified with evrything he was saying until he got to explaining their general classes of gods. Here’s what they have: the old father god, the young warrior god, the young goddess of war/love, and the trickster. There were parallels here to SW: trickster=Han Solo, wise father=Obi-Wan, goddess=Leia. But my teacher went on and on about how the young warrior was the coolest of all, he went off and fought battles and monsters and all the cool stories were about him. So who else would he choose for the SW parallel but Farm Boy. Bleah! I _almost_ went up to him after class and protested. Farm Boy isn’t the coolest warrior! _Wedge_ is, of course!

Yet another example of the oppression Wedge fans suffer at the hands of Farm Boy…. ::sigh:: Well, he’s guaranteed I’ll remember _that_ part of the lecture.

How about: Vote Wedge. He’s the true animist warrior god.

Thank you for listening, you’re the only people who would ever understand. :-)

–Kristy [2], off to an astronomy lab

Palpatine’s dead. Vote Wedge. –Antilles/Celchu ‘00–

From such humble [?!] beginnings was the True Animist Warrior God movement born. (Some time later I printed out a post signed with the TAWG [3] campaign slogan and taped said slogan onto my history notebook.)

This was not to bag on the history course. It was only the second day, as far as I can tell from my notes [4]. I had wanted to take the honors section of the course, but it wouldn’t fit in the schedule of other classes I was taking [5]. It turns out that I don’t regret this, as I very much enjoyed the class. It was actually taught by a graduate student, IIRC, and he was very good; he described many events in a human context with the emotions and motivations of the players. [6] Really, the worst thing about the course was that it was at 7 am—a less than ideal way, shall we say, to start college [7]. (Oh my TAWG, I’m going absolutely berserk with the footnotes! My brain keeps going off on tangents, but I don’t want to interrupt myself all the time. wheeee!)

(Interestingly, the next semester I continued on with Hist 102, which this time was taught by a professor. Who wasn’t nearly as interesting as the grad student!)

According to my heading for the Animism post in the Classic Threads section of the AFW website [8], I previously linked Star Wars to the Sumerian epic Gilgamesh–where Farmboy was Gilgamesh, taking all the credit, and Wedge was Enkidu, doing all the work. I think now this might be a little revisionist history. I can’t remember in which course I read Gilgamesh, but it’s likely that it was Lit of Western Civ that same semester (high school Senior AP English was British lit, where we watched every Jane Austen movie Ever Made *gag*). The earliest post of mine I can find referencing the two was actually the *next* week or so, in the midst of the Epic, Historical “Fantasy Toys” Thread, in response to Quiara:

> We understand you, dear. Where else could I admit to writing a Hero > essay about him in the same year that I did a book report on Rogue > Squadron?

I really want to write my Lit of Western Civ essay on the parallels between Gilgamesh/Enkidu and Luke/Wedge, but I could never get four pages out of that and have my teacher actually like it. ::pout:: [9]

Both of these posts were commenting on what I felt (still do feel, to some extent) was a sad state of affairs in being a WedgeFan. Namely, that Wedge was a lot cooler than most people give him credit for. (And, underlying that feeling, a WedgeFan’s natural disdain for Luke “Farmboy” [10] Skywalker.) This would reach its fannish culmination in the Book of Wedge, but had real-world significance in the woeful lack of a separate carded Wedge Antilles action figure. As well as the lack of Wedge awareness among those who weren’t huge pilotfans.

Despite that, 1997 was a fantastic year to be a WedgeFan. Maybe if you weren’t Quiara, Brett, or myself, it was different—we three were quite chatty—but I never heard anyone complain. ;-) [11] It wasn’t actually our most active year, but it was the beginning of what I think of as the “golden years” of AFW. The first four X-Wing books (by Historian of Wedge Michael A. Stackpole) had been released by January 1997, and Mike actually lurked and occasionally even posted. I joined in the spring of 1997 as a senior in high school (with a very embarassing post which will not be reproduced here). Quiara was in high school. Brett wasn’t being challenged too much by work or life, because he also apparently had a lot of time on his hands. Somehow the three of us had some mojo (and also probably high blood sugar content) that just led to wacky hijinks. Quiara declared Wedge’s candidacy for President in April, a story which would last well *past* the 2004 election. I declared him TAWG in August. The Fantasy Toys thread was started earlier in August, thus cementing me into the AFW madness and keeping me frequently posting even when I probably should have been paying attention to college. (eh. I gradutated.) The “the world is falling down…” thread was that year, too.

Of all the Internet friends I have, interestingly it’s Quiara and Brett whom I’ve never met in real life. I actually haven’t heard from Quiara in years; she dropped off the radar at about the time she started college, I think, thus proving her work (study) ethic. ;-) I can’t say I really knew her all that well—AFW was almost exclusively the limit of our interaction—but I still consider her to have been an early partner in crime. I still hear from Brett occasionally, and I actually can’t believe I haven’t found myself visiting his city before now. Brett holds a special place in my memory not only for being such an integral part of that first crazy year on AFW, but also for scoring me the Wedge action figure I like to call “biceps Wedge”–the one from the Milennium Falcon carrying case, which his comics store was selling loose for some reason.

Resorting again to Google Groups (we never know, when we’re making history, that we are doing so, and as such fail to keep track of these things), it looks like I first styled myself Prophet Kristy on October 8, 1997, in a short thread titled “Random Thoughts.” [12] Quiara, bless her heart, actually accused me of being humble:

> –Kristy, Prophet of the Great One

Just a prophet? you could make Cardinal at least, if you wanted.

(Yeah, maybe I could have—I am Catholic, after all—but, y'know, “Prophetess” works better on the back of a kickball shirt that “Cardinal”. “-ess.” Er, see what I mean?)

One month later (AFAICT) I first signed a post as “Prophet Kristy”–and the rest, as they say, is history.

I could go on and on with the AFW nostalgia——but I should probably get to work on actual, you know, work. And this is getting LONG. However, I do want to mention one other thing in relation to the TAWG / Prophetess thing.

The Book of Wedge was my default icon on LiveJournal—a little cartoon made by terrathree, originally for Terra Group, that she kindly made 100x100 when I started LJing. I didn’t actually come up with the idea for the Book of Wedge—the document I wrote was largely an adaptation from “The Adventures of Wedge Antilles” written by Mike Scorsch and posted on his late web page Corellian Bloodstripes. I’d always been greatly amused by the idea of revisionist SW history with Wedge being the person behind *everything*–especially having Wedge actually blow the first DS as well as the second. Having declared myself a Prophet, I also felt it was only fair that I write a Holy Book. Thus was born the Book of Wedge, wherein Wedge not only blows up both Death Stars, but also shoots Greedo, fights off the Slave I with a blaster, and generally saves the day. In it, I declared Quiara and Brett to be Apostles of Wedge along with Jim and Marji, two others who were in the thick of AFW in late 1997. And generally had a blast being silly and fangirly.

Quiara followed this up with the Book of Quiara, a short history of the campaign and other silliness. And much later, terrathree expanded on an observation I’d made about the constellation Orion looking like an X-wing and wrote the tale of the Hunter of the Sky.

These are only a few of the many, many tales of Wedge spawned by AFW, but they are the Holiest. So sayeth the Prophetess of the Great One, Wedge Antilles, the True Animist Warrior God. *makes the Sign of the Exploding Death Star*

I imagine our old IRC chat server probably doesn’t even exist anymore (is IRC even still a thing??)–Feast Days used to always be Chat Days–but have a good Feast Day of Wedge, won’t you all? Do the Ewok Dance, drink some Ewok Juice, bag on Farmboy, and revel in the glory of the Rebellion’s Greatest Starpilot.

[1]=Yeahhhhhh, Usenet. Back in the day. [2]=As you see, I didn’t self-identify then as Prophetess; that was to come later. Wow, I’d forgotten I used to use my fanfic Knave Leader and the ASCII parked X-wing in my .sig. Nifty. [3]=I’m almost positive that Morwen was the one to coin that acronym. Once again showing us all up with her mad language skillz, especially considering this isn’t her native tongue. [4]=yes, I’m enough of a nerd that I’ve kept my freshman history notes. [5]=probably this was a good thing, since I was taking the honors sections of Chemistry 111 AND English <memfault—Literature of Western Civilization>. [6]=I haven’t been able to turn him up by Googling, but I hope he found himself a faculty position somewhere; he deserves it. [7]=I cordially loathe all those students who boast of arranging their schedules to never start before 10 or 12. I was never able to do that—there was always a class I needed that was a 7:30 or 8 or 8:30. Pout. [8]=Yeah, I know it’s gone. It needs a new server space. And its webmistress needs to pay attention to it. I’ll just have to link to Google posts here. [9]=It looks like I had dropped the Knave Leader by this time, but was still not calling myself Prophet Kristy. [10]=How much do I love that Mara always calls him Farmboy? [11]=Oh, no, that came much later, spurring the Project Boussh Polite Flame War of '01(?). [12]=this was also apparently the thread that spawned the phrase “rakish rebel scum”, which Brett quickly hailed as a great band name. And it was only a 7 post thread! aaah, for the time to just read and relive the posts of those years.

[frownyfface-blog]

I Just Want All The Pies

I’ve been an indecisive person all my topsy turvy life. I could blame it on a lot of things but at the end of the day it’s on me completely. 

Even as a little kid, I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. My mother taught me how to read and write when I was around 5 and I thought ‘this is it, this what i want.’ I filled construction papers with crayoned, crazy stories mostly themed around snacks and dogs, snacks for dogs, thankfully no dogs for snacks. Clearly, convincing my parents to get us a dog was an underlying theme (it worked). 

As soon as I started theater classes after elementary school though - and by theater classes I mean choreographing puppets to a backstreet boys song in a small dusty blackbox theater, I was convinced that having my name on the marquee was my destined gig. I gave that one up senior year of high school (yes, I kept at it that long!) when I had to spend my weekends practicing one-acts with my fellow acting classmates and realized that I wasn’t cut out for the constant one-upping. My short-term memory is also absolute shit.

There was a brief flight with singing in middle school - sadly, there is a possible chance that I am slightly tone-deaf. Hell, even teaching a pottery class had hmm’d and haa’d in my brain for a moment when I was seventeen because I’d loved molding something from nothing with my bare hands surprisingly so much in the hour between math and science class. 

These random potential career choices always kind of stuck with me all throughout my adolescence but I never actually pushed through with any of them - call it being a busy sociable teenager, maybe a teeny tiny bit of suppressed depression, a lack of motivation (is that the same thing as laziness? fancier words like self-starter always make letting dishes sit for three days or putting off studying for the SATs sound way better), but when it came time to leave high school and make a fucking decision on ONE SINGLE THING to be for the REST OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE needless to say, I stumped and beyond overwhelmed. 

So, staying on brand - I chose nothing. I dropped out of college after two semesters, I even changed community colleges between semesters thinking that would somehow help me figure out my destiny and I just started hustling. I’ve had more small jobs than I can count on two hands since the age of sixteen. My boyfriend, Kevin, has a running joke where if he brings up some company or random job in passing I most likely will comment, ‘oh I’ve worked there/done that’. What can I say? I like money. 

For the lols, I’m supplying you guys with a rare photo courtesy of macbook photobooth of eighteen year old Taryn at her first job in California (I’d had three previous to this throughout high school) - look at that peace sign! Hiding the sad as hell eyes! Don’t even talk to me about that tan or that hair - everyone had a rough time in 2008.

I’ve toyed with a thousand different career ideas over the last nine years since high school, I could list them by year even...fuck it, let’s just do that now! 

A History Of Taryn’s Inability To Commit To A Thing, In Chronological Order:

2008: Child Psychologist (This is laughable because while I love therapy - I am terrified of most kids.)

2009: Restaurant Owner (I worked too many hours at a Mimi’s Cafe by SeaWorld, the ‘french inspired’ butter-based menu...it got to my head...and my butt.)

2010: Set Designer/Music Video Director (Blame this one on me trying to adapt to a boy that we’ll never speak of.)

2011/2012: Self help novelist (I think I mostly just needed help for myself and thought that if I did it for someone else, I’d be less nuts/shitty in return.)

2013: TV Staff Writer (I co-wrote a pilot and it was so god-awful, I’ve never even watched more than a quarter of it.)

2014: Some kind of a model? (Why???) Also a Beauty Blogger (I made one ‘entry’ and constantly got my nails done in hideously too long extensions thinking that it was an investment LOLOL.)

2015: Hairstylist (TBH I still would love to do this but thanks to my own poor credit card spending in my early twenties, getting a student loan for a technical school is next to impossible. I’ve tried everything, trust.)

2016: Novelist (This is actually still something that I aspire towards, but I don’t think I have the attention span to make it a full career choice.)

2017: ???? (TBA)

I tend to do this thing where I get really fixated on an idea and I just crack away at it piece by piece until it crumbles and I am no longer interested. I’ve done it with many things in life: jobs, dreams, people I love and once loved and mostly always with myself. 

I am always my own worst enemy. Where this self-doubt came from with deserving a happy ending I’m really not sure. I watched all the Disney movies, the women-centric rom-coms with their dreamboats and manic pixie Winona’s and Reese’s and yet here I am at 27 without a clue. Maybe that’s the thing that irks me - why do we have to choose just one thing? Who says I can’t be a Winona and a Reese? Why do I have to pick just ONE career for FOREVER. I want a resume that’s 1,000 pages long. I’ve had 1,000 small jobs not because I can’t hold one down but because I love learning, damnit! (Someone tell my teachers I said that, they wouldn’t believe their ears!) 

Why can’t I have all my fingers in all the pies? 

Why do I give up every time?

There’s a clear line in my head between a job: one that pays the bills and a job-job: one that pays the bills and is also inspiring, satisfying and makes me want to actually get out of bed everyday without groaning into my pillow for ten minutes.

That’s the bottom line at the end of the day - fulfillment. I believe that humans aren’t built to constantly be fulfilled and that is perfectly fine with me. I don’t want to be 100% satisfied but 95% would be pretty nice, right? 

I think it would probably be awful to be living at my whole happiest - what else is there to work towards? I’ll take a 2% milk type of life, no one likes non-fat anyway. Let’s save the ‘I think I’m lactose intolerant’ jokes for later. 

Writing will always be my thing - that is a constant. It is something that I've left and come back to countless times since that moment I connected letters together to form words twenty-two years ago in my bedroom with my mothers big whiteboard and her encouraging smile. It is both a part-time hobby and a full-time itch I couldn't get rid of if I tried. Some of my fondest memories are of little Taryn scrawling away in journals all throughout my adolescence for hours on end - but whether that will be my job-job? I’m still figuring that one out.