#also just gotta sprinkle the religious trauma in there

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

Wb cold as a means to contain whumpee and force them to choose between whumper and freezing to death

Ohohoho that’s fascinating. They have to stay where they’re put - but it’s also the only safe place to be.

Perhaps there’s a spell in the room that will freeze anything outside of Whumpee’s little corner.

Perhaps they’re a vampire are the tiles are laced with silver.

But really whumper, don’t you know? One had to have free choice to actually obey?

Everyone knows it’s hollow if it’s forced.

[maehem-1]

One thing that really frustrates me is that, due to the personality I've cultivated with my irl friends, it's really hard for me to be serious or ever really get them to be supportive when I need it. The only times I really get serious is when someone *else* needs support. I'm the team therapist, it feels like. People trust me with their problems, but I find it hard to do the same. Like, I was talking about some people I'd lost in the pandemic and when I was finished they had the same energy as if I told a joke that didn't land. Not the same sort of response that anyone else would have gotten.

Even when I do get a serious, somewhat supportive response, it feels lackluster. I text some variant of "hey, can I vent," and maybe get a response in 2-3 hours. After I've already:

a) stewed for an unhealthy and/or dangerous amount of time,

or

b) handled myself already

It's frustrating. I already have a hard time trusting people with this kind of stuff, which, mind you, they don't have a problem laying on me. And when I do get a response it feels lackluster. Basically it amounts to "damn that sucks, I hope you feel better" between various pauses of waiting for them to respond.

Like, when I talk to someone in this sort of scenario, there's a sort of process. You gotta validate their feelings. Ask questions. Avoid making it about yourself, but try to relate to their problems if you can. Ask if they're looking for advice. If yes: give the best advice you can. Ye gods anything but just saying "I'm sorry :(" repeatedly. Like, I really try to avoid holding people to my personal standards but please, I'd appreciate a little bit of, if you've nothing else to offer, some gods damned variety. And Jesus Christ, don't try to change the subject unprompted, JULIAN. I know you want to talk about yourself, we can all tell.

Like, I can understand not really knowing how to deal with this stuff, and since I do people gravitate towards my help, but c'mon. How do you think I got here? If someone you care about is looking to you for support you don't know how to give, YOU FIND OUT HOW TO GIVE IT! I DID IT FOR ALL OF YOU! WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND?

Like, my shit isn't even as heavy as some shit I put up with. Just like, some (watered down for consumption) dysphoria, a sprinkling of religious trauma (the conversation wasn't even really about the trauma) and that one time with the pandemic losses. Those are the things I've tried to vent about, a combined 5-7 times in all my years of knowing the lot of em. Never twice in a row to the same person, months apart, while making sure to maintain friendly, polite conversations in the meantime so I'm not a burden. I get bombarded with much heavier shit much more frequently and I'm expected to grin and bear it. I won't air out *what* heavier shit, patient-doctor confidentiality n all. It all feels a little... Idek. Disproportionate.

I've mentioned how hard it is for me to open up about, well, anything. I wish they'd reciprocate a fraction of the amount of effort it takes me to actually put any of it on display, not to mention the amount of effort I put into providing the same service. I only do any of it because I know it will make me feel better in the long run, to open up. It should make me feel better. It's so frustrating that it's almost not worth the effort.

That's how it feels. Like I'm providing a service. Combination Entertainer/Therapist/Get-together Co-planner. Also makes Julienne Fries. Despite it all, nothing would change if I wasn't there. I'm nonessential to the dynamic, it feels like. An add-on. The only thing I really provide that's unique is a vent source, but to the overall group on the surface level I'm superfluous. It's like how, in a medieval town, for example, people would publicly shun the witch, but would make use of her services when they were desperate.

I feel isolated. I'm the only amab in our group, and I'm from a completely different background due to other circumstances. It feels like there's barely any common ground outside of "queers in a hostile environment".

They know I'm transfem, they respect me, but I definitely feel like me being amab, our only amab, has something to do with it, even though it's probably subconscious. I should be the rock, the wall, sturdy, stoic, whatever whatever so on so forth etc. That's what I tell myself, usually, so I have no doubt they believe the same on some level. But like, I want a shoulder to cry on too. I get overwhelmed so much lately. I recently learned about emotional burnout in my own personality type (Myers Briggs is quite outdated, I take it with a whole spoonful of salt) but the symptoms I read were 1 to 1 what I experience. I don't want to be the strong one anymore.

It's just. So frustrating. This is the only place I can use to get this off my chest, sorry.