#also i got a chance to practice my chinese a tiny bit with this last guest :) <3 i miss itttt does anyone wanna be my chinese study buddy

[bunnybisexual]

work DONE

[insufferablelust]

THE ARTIST AND HIS MUSE. (iii)

Hi lovelies! Here it is, the third installment to TAAHM, and this has some kissing and lots of build ups so no smut yet, but we’re getting there! oh and as i mentioned this story will be quite dark— i mean not that dark i will never write about rape etc. But the whole generic theme is based on the reader’s psychological state where she’s basically an HSP where she feels twice as much and she becomes obsessed way too quickly. Some of these things are adaption from my personal background so please if you feel uncomfortable you can read other fanfics thank you and read at your own risk! as always excuse the grammars! Xx, D.

WARNINGS : Dark themed, upcoming Dom!Spencer, Sub!Reader, No smut yet (soon), Detailed Mentions of murder and corpse?, upcoming dark kinks (but not all the time, so expect some vanilla stuff too), SSA!Reader, !more upcoming warnings soon!

masterlist here to check out the first and second chapter!

———🍃———

{If perfectionism were inches, he’d go on for miles and miles. But if there are none, then he’s one.}

CHAPTER 3

You’re utterly fucked.

His voice played in your head over and over again as you drove back home from the BAU, you can feel that you are physically inside the car but your mind is stuck to where Spencer goes. It’s like he’s taunting you with every passing second, and the thought drove you crazy. You always had a crush on him, but all those months you thought he never liked you, never made an effort to at least get to know you but why now? you wanted to scream out so bad, nails digging into the steering wheel before pulling over the side of the road and grabbed your phone— contemplating whether you listen to your brain saying that he’s toying with you or your heart and your desire to just... text him.

“Do i make you nervous?”

His stupid voice is the one that made your fingers search for his number. You bit your lip harshly as you weigh your options, you could either text him and wait for a possibly long overdue answer or you could just give him a call, It’s not weird giving your coworker a call right? You tried to make sense of yourself before hitting the call button and curses under your breath “fuck it”

“Hello? Y/n? Are you okay?” you took a sharp breath at the sound of his voice, laced with worry. There’s a part inside of you that yearn to tell him that no, you’re not okay because the game you’ve been playing really start to mess with your emotions, except you answered with a tiny “I’m okay, um are you at rossi’s yet?”

He chuckled, “No, i decided not to go, figured that i’m way too tired” your heart clenched, wanting to take care of his tired self,

“well! you should get some rest right now” you hurriedly mumbled, cursing at the sound of your very shaky voice. “Y/n what’s wrong? you know you can tell me anything right?” I have a crush on your stupid ass— thats whats wrong.

“No- no i was about to ask about this uh um the last case—“

“It’s about the question isn’t it?”

“what?” you let out a choked out mewl, taking a deep breath, making a mental note for yourself to just keep breathing.

“The question, Do i make you nervous? isn’t that why you called me?” Your heart raced that if he’s close enough to the phone, you’re convinced he can hear the thump. “Spence— i uh, yeah.” the voice you let out is barely a whisper, you almost hope that he didn’t caught it, but of course he did.

“Is that yes to the question?” You were about to answer his question before he interrupted “You don’t even have to say it Y/n, I know that i make you nervous.”

“How—“

“How would i know? Alright, you never called me before, not unless there’s an emergency or a case, that’s why i got worried when you called. Your breathing—“ he paused for a second, taking a deep breath when he hears the tiny whine that escaped out of your lips, before continuing,

“Your breathing is labored, i can hear you hitches every time i said something that you know is true, i can also hear the way your knee bounce and hitting the dashboard each time- it’s a nervous tic and the only time you do it is when i’m near you. and from the way you stayed silent, trying to keep down any noises is the answer i needed to know that i’m right. The right question isn’t do i make you nervous, but why?”

When he finished talking, you hadn’t even realized that your knees were bouncing, immediately stilled your leg and cleared your throat, pushing every bit of bravery you have left to answer him “My apartment, in an hour. I’ll grab chinese on the way, and we can talk?”

“I’ll be there”

“Okay, ill see you—“

“And princess? drive safe”

Just Fucked.

————

Your knees just couldn’t stop shaking with excitement as you set your small dining table with Chinese take outs, you even made sure to have spoon and fork ready for Spencer since he won’t use his chopsticks, smiling at the perfect looking table— you sprinted to your bedroom to check your appearance one last time. Wearing a simple dress and cardigan on top seemed appropriate enough to meet your coworker right? you stare at yourself in the mirror before adjusting the hair that fell down your sides, and taking a deep breath.

Knock, knock

You braced yourself, taking a deep breath before opening the door to see a smiling Spencer still in his work clothes with what looks like bags of candies in his hand— you could’ve sworn you were about to cry because he remembered, he remembered how much you love your candies, reminding you over and over again that the cause of your hyper-ness cant be from candies, “Sugar rush is not a thing (Y/n)” He said once before spewing out more statistics about sugar. But god, don’t you love it.

“Spencer, come in.” You stepped back as you let him in, before closing the door and wait for him to take off his converse and coat. The silence made you nervous, that you don’t even realize that you’re tapping your knuckles on the wooden door until he mentioned it,

“There, you’re nervous.” He dropped the candy bag—practically thrown it on the couch as he cornered you, with his chest pressing against yours and his hand cupping your jaw so delicately that you flutter your eyes shut, engulfing the warmth thats radiating off of him.

“What’s going on inside that pretty head of yours (Y/n)?” He whispered, knuckles brushing over your cheeks ever so slightly, causing the goosebumps to rise at his command, it’s crazy how much control he has over you already like he holds your life in his, but you don’t complained— you want this, you craved it. You have craved the feeling of being obsessed with someone again, it’s been so long since you’ve given up control, and your mind and body just wants a break from all the stress you’ve put yourself through it. And Spencer— Spencer might just be the perfect escape.

“you..” Your voice is thick and scratchy, like something was pressing against your throat, when in reality it was a mixture of lust and desire. “Me? What about me?” His eyes never left yours, as he brush your noses together. He was so close that you can almost taste his skin, you can almost feel the emotions that runs deep within his veins, what is it about Spencer Reid that draws you in so much?

Then he pulled away, with a satisfied grin on his face “I don’t know princess, you tell me” You were about to ask what he meant before the wheels in your head are finally clicking; you were thinking out loud— oh how he loves it when your cheeks are flushed, eyes droop as you endure yet another wave of embarrassment, and something about being this is so raw and exposed- not physically but you can almost sense it, sense how he sees what got you so needy, so powerless against him. It’s almost like he’s seen you naked before; naked below your skin, like he’s seen your insides, every right turns that ignite the fire inside of you, and every right switch that makes you tic and you’d be crazy if you’d say you don’t enjoy every bit of it.

“You know— you know what it is, you just want to taunt me” You gathered enough bravery to speak at last, biting your lower lip right after the words slipped out of your mouth, until his thumb pressed down just below the part that you don’t get to bite and pull. “Y/n, Stop biting your lip, or i’ll bite it for you.” His breathing is shallow, like he’s holding something back, and now is not the time to hold back— you thought. now is the time to just let go.

“Talk is cheap, Dr.Reid” You smiles cheekily— almost borderline bratty, and you know it. But the second those words left your mouth, the look on his face makes you hold out your whine— the look on his face is the look of anger, anger and full of temptation, like when adam bit the forbidden fruit. It was so stern that you almost apologize, wanting nothing more than to please him not disobey him. But before you get the chance, he pressed his lips against yours in a bruising manner.

This is it— the moment you’ve been craving.

The moment his lips touched yours, you surrender all control to him, giving him your all without even asking for anything in return, it’s like you were born to be his— the drunken lust part of your mind doesn’t seem to want to understand the logic behind any of this and how dangerous it is, not when the man you’ve loved for a long time is now sucking on your lower lip and push his tongue in to tangle it with yours. The sounds were filthy, filled with gasps and wet noises, your noses bumps against each other but you couldn’t care less, the oxygen grew thin inside your lungs but none of you seemed to mind, you were savoring each and every passing second of this.

His fingers are warm but the tips are cold suggesting how nervous and excited he was, you tilt your neck backwards as he wrapped them right on your neck, pressing them ever so gently, the pressure is enough to let you gasp out a moan onto the kiss. You both were positively burning from the pleasure, the need, and the lack of oxygen, everything is clouding your senses as much as its clouding his, and before you know it, he has to pull back in order for you both to still go to work tomorrow.

Gasping, you gulped down as much oxygen as possible as your knees buckled, you’re pretty sure you would’ve fell if it weren’t for his tight grip. You both calmed down, before coming back to your senses, everything is blurry and fuzzy inside your mind, yet you smiled— looking up at his disheveled state and smiled, “What does this mean?” is the only question you can get out of your chest.

“I— i may or may not have a crush on you Y/n..” he trailed off, licking his lips as he took a step back, his movements were so calculated and gentle that you’re afraid you had said something wrong that makes his demeanor changed— as if he didn’t know how happy you were to found out that your love for him isn’t one sided.

Gently, you reached for his hand then drag him with you down to sit on the sofa, grabbing the candy bag and picked out a cherry lollipop. Spencer let out a chuckle as he shakes his head— looking at you as you peeled the wrapper.

“What?”

“Nothing..”

“Spencer what?” You pouts as you hold the lollipop between your fingers, waiting for him to answer, “nothing, you just.. that’s your favorite” he smiled “i remembered the first day you joined, you were so nervous that you didn’t even realized you were still sucking on your cherry lollipop, only letting go of them when you saw me and your jaw—“

“Okay, you can stop now!” You paused him, pushing the lollipop through his lips, hiding your face on the crook of your arms, he laughs loudly as you hit his chest twice,

“Hey i’m just saying facts Princess, you were so cute i almost had the mind to bend you over the desk that very moment the lollipop dropped out of you gaping jaw.” He always managed to make every cell in your body feel like they’re being burned but- the good burn. You couldn’t help but to clench your thighs at his ‘facts’. This is the Spencer reid you never knew existed behind all the books and statistics. And you can’t lie and say that you didn’t love both because you love everything about him.

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because that’ll not be appropriate would it baby? In a work place after all, or have you thought about that before hm? me bending you over my table when everyone’s watching as you suck on these little lollipops that you love so much?” He pulled the lollipop out of his lips before smearing the sticky top on your lips, before throwing it to the trash can then pressing his lips on yours to kiss you again, this time gentler.

He took his time on devouring you, savoring every inch of your lips, and the depth of warmth inside your mouth like he was trying to imprint the feeling inside his memory so he could relived it over and over again— well he didn’t have to, you are his.

He pulled back gently as he smiled at you, you searched his eyes to know what he’s worrying about, and you knew exactly what it is. “I- i have had the longest crush on you too.. Spencer” You mumbled, playing with your fingers and reminiscing the taste of his lips on yours as you ran your tongue over them.

“But we can’t...”

“I know you’d say that.”

“How?”

“Lets just say, you were not as good at keeping your secrets as you thought you were, Princess.”

Your heart dropped and for the hundredth time that night, you knew you’re fucked for real this time.

————————

TBC!

Taglist and Long Blurb requests are open, feel free to leave a message if you want in! you can also message me any feedbacks or constructive criticism. And lastly, please like + reblog! thank you!

SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE TAG, TUMBLR DECIDED MY WORK DOESNT DESERVE RECOGNITION AND THE HASTAGS DOESNT WORK SO I HAVE TO DO A REUPLOAD! so sorry!

( @blancastans @spencerwaltergubler @slutforthegubes @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @babybloomer @liaabsurd @midnightsubmissives )

[rigelmejo]

thank u @meichenxi for ur absolutely gorgeous amazing in depth shadowing answer when i asked.

u can ignore the rest of this post its just gonna be me ranting ToT.

i tried the most tiny form of shadowing and. i think i should try doing it more ;-;. I tried doing what you said - listening to the stress in the sentence, chunking how i say it back if i can’t say the whole sentence (like saying the last phrase, getting that right, then trying to say the last 2 phrases in the sentence, etc). And I realized how BAD i am at doing that beyond literally 1 word chunks or short 2 word chunks like 你知道. Obviously plenty of phrases which are just 4-6 hanzi, but i would mess up with even just those! I could read it, and I could read a sentence aloud one word at a time. But I could not shadow without a ton of errors when I tried repeating lol. 

I also took your advice (or maybe the konglongmandarin advice? or both?? i can’t remember who said to do this) of trying to shadow without looking at the text. While i looked at it the first time to read over the sentence, when i actually tried to shadow i just focused on what i HEARD and repeating it AS IT SOUNDS (not as the pinyin look, not looking at the words so i know the tone). just literally listening, then only using the audio to practice saying it out loud myself. and that takes WAY MORE ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS then i apparently have lol! I could only do this again with 1-2 word chunks! Anything longer and my brain would forget what tones it heard, forget some of the words, and my mouth would forget to say ‘xie’ right even though i would have JUST saw the character and just heard it correctly and i CAN pronounce it... but on the spot, with no aid but ‘hear the sound, now replicate it’ i just kept messing it up! Lol!

I am sure trying to shadow more will improve my actual listening ability, because i had to focus so MUCH on listening in order to shadow. I had to focus even more then in a show or listening to an audiobook - because i had to do more than just recognize words, i had to say them myself and attempt to say them correctly. so... i will definitely be working up to bigger phrases and sentences, since literally this is so difficult lol ToT (the suggestion to phrase chunk and try first just one, then build up to a full sentence, if u can’t remember or do the whole thing, is helpful - also i think its what Pimsleur kind of does). 

I was listening so much harder because i was not looking at the text, and since i was focusing so much on replicating HOW it sounded i didn’t have time to think ‘ok what is this word, what is its pinyin, what is its tone, what tone changes do i do if it’s 3 3rd tone hanzi in a row’... whereas when im speaking to someone, or myself, i can think all of that first (tho it slows down my speech). but since shadowing the point is to replicate and learn from imitating correct pronunciations (instead of seeing pronunciations on paper), it required a lot more active listening. and i think its probably very good training for speaking skills, speaking ease, and again active listening. maybe also for ingraining tones in words and phrases... i know the tones with words, but i constantly CONSTANTLY have to think about it when i’m speaking like ‘did i say the right one? did i change it when i was supposed to? if i say this phrase what part do i change?’ and even if i know what i’m talking about and know the words i just slow down a lot. so maybe more shadowing will help make more of this a bit more instinctive?

anyway. super hard lol.

i tried with some sentences in Chinese Spoonfed Audio files i have, just because its simple learner material, and already has a built in pause to repeat. And i still fumbled brutally over my words lol! doing this from a show sounds even horrifically harder! So... catch me trying to do it eventually, sometime much sooner than i feel ready for it! 

I remember i used to do it just months into learning chinese, but it was just for simple stuff since those were easy words to pick up: 该死，你知道吗 没事吧， 你怎么了，你放心，别担心，明白了吗？，好名字，他死了，没问题，我没事，太好了，行了，行不行，是不是，还有，我喜欢你，什么东西，天的，漂亮 etc. After stuff got more complicated i basically stopped trying to repeat after shows, i felt i made so many tone mistakes etc constantly i decided it was too hard and i might be reinforcing bad habits if i don’t look at pinyin with tones marked ToT (when i say ‘do shadowing’ i do not mean recording myself or doing anything nearly as impressive and structured as you described lol ToT i mean literally just repeating the character whenever they said something i could say easily after - and those kinds of phrases above i heard enough to do that and were short enough to).

while i think yeah that stunted my speaking a lot? i also am not sure if the judgement call i made was kind of solid to be fair. i was very confused by tones until about a year in when i had a language exchange partner for a while - i had been pronouncing 3rd tone like the 2nd tone, had been rising my 3rd tone too often, and was told basically GO LOWER - LOWEERRRRRR. Until i finally grasped ‘ok 3rd tone is more like just the LOW’ tone. and if you pronounce it fully like in an elongated wo... wo bu zhidao, then yeah you will hear it dip then go up. And if its before another 3rd tone its a 2nd tone. but if you just hear it, you’re generally hearing ‘low’ without really much rise, and starting lower than the 4th tone drop (so the drop in 3rd tone isn’t as clear). And until someone TOLD ME 3rd tone was so low i just had no idea, i could NOT even hear it right. And that’s why i still have some fears about shadowing... if i do NOT know a language feature? I have a decent chance of literally being UNABLE to hear it. Unable to hear it correctly, unable to notice it. For me i literally could NOT tell how my 3rd tone sounded wrong. I had to be told to notice ‘THIS IS HOW LOW IT GOES’ and ‘GO LOWER’ constantly until i got it. With 1st tone, i kept accidentally doing 2nd tone because i could NOT hear that i was raising my voice at the end. It took someone repeatedly telling me its not so much ‘high’ as it is ‘completely level’. 1st tone u do not raise or lower ur pitch! i did not even hear myself doing it until i got called out and constantly tried to consciously notice if i was keeping it the same exact level or not. 

And now i get the same issues with ‘c’ and ‘sh’ and ‘b’ and ‘q’ noise in chinese... i use the app 普通话学习 to practice pronunciation (it grades you). And no matter what i can RARELY hear how i do ‘c’ and ‘sh’ and ‘b’ wrong. I have listened to examples, i’ve repeated them, i’ve read different books way of describing the sounds. In the app i try to repeat the hanzi that start with those over and over, and whether i get ‘perfect’ or ‘wtf did you say’ is literally luck. i cannot tell at all how i am mistakenly pronouncing them, when i say them wrong. i can’t hear my mistake at all, i can’t hear any difference between my pronunciation and the examples. (Same with ‘eng’ and ‘en’ endings... but i think i might.. maybe hear a difference in my pronunciation to theirs... still though i have no idea). 

So a big reason i didn’t shadow much, ESPECIALLY trying to shadow without pinyin to look at and DOUBLE check i know the correct tone etc, is because i worry i will keep reinforcing bad pronunciation i can’t even HEAR in my own voice. I will go ‘ok yes finally! i imitated the audio right!’ and then not realize i fucked up 4 things i just cannot hear properly. I just cannot tell i’m even doing wrong. I worry about that significantly less now, since i generally always get my tones right if i know them... so i’m guessing i have a solid enough sense of how they’re supposed to ‘correctly’ sound now that if i hear them in audio without text, i will have enough in my brain to instinctively recognize its a part of the sound that exists and replicate it as i’m hearing it. (though i am still constantly afraid i’ll hear a tone wrong, replicate wrong, and not even fucking notice i’m making a mistake). Now most of the fear is just with those couple initials and finals i just... fuck up half the time and CANNOT hear why they’re wrong. i can’t hear the difference at all. but i’ve been consistently messing them up for like 4 months now so... if i haven’t improved them in this long, i might as well still do some practice like with shadowing. i’ve been using that pronunciation app, and even with all of it doing its best to tell me ‘it sounds WRONG’ i can’t tell. so i could call using that app ‘reinforcing bad habits’ at that point just as much as shadowing, maybe. i get the sounds right half the time, wrong all the time, cannot hear the difference. so i don’t think shadowing is gonna hurt me much more than i’m already hurting myself here... since its pretty clear unless i get someone to explain, i’m unable to fix these bits. 

anyway that is the tldr for why i didn’t shadow much at all. and maybe... maybe my tones are decent enough now... i might try a bit more. although when i tried yesterday, i was literally so afraid i fucked up the tones that i went to look up the sentences to double check i hadn’t. and i still could not ‘name’ the tones i was saying as i repeated them in shadowing. i was too busy speaking, i had no idea IF i was doing tones or WHICH ones i was just focusing EVERYTHING on trying to remember the sounds i heard and repeat. not the meaning, not the words specifically, not the tones lol. yes i am a mess lol ToT

[thebirdandhersong]

a list of favourite encounters with people I’m unlikely to ever meet again

just a list of interesting people I’ve met/been friends with :) I was thinking of a few of them today and thought it probably would be interesting to write them down.

I had a friend in our children’s choir called Elise(?) who had silky blonde hair, very cool glasses (can’t remember the shape or colour but I remember thinking they were cool), and who smelled very distinctly like grape juice. We smiled at each other during rehearsal once (we were both new!), sidled up to each other, and she asked me if I wanted a Starburst. I said yes please. Instant friends. Never saw her again :(

brisk, stressed-looking lady at our favourite noodle shop; ALWAYS looked stressed so my dad always made a point of telling her that the food was very good

one of my church’s youth leaders (who moved away a long time ago). He was one of the few people who took me seriously in middle school, and actually talked to me about books. He had the cutest little girl with the curliest brown hair, and would often raise his eyebrows wryly when people commented on his bald head. I remember asking him about The Girl Who Could Fly and whether or not The Golden Compass was worth reading, and he answered my questions very seriously.

another one of my former youth leaders, this twenty-something German student called Linnea. I thought she was one of the prettiest people I’d seen. She was very friendly, very outspoken, and talked to me about choosing to follow Jesus one youth night. I really liked her, and I also really liked that she told us we could talk to her about anything. She left before I had the bravery to open my mouth, though.

I had a childhood friend called Lucy and we shared a secret hideout. It was very exciting. Once she came over to give me this gigantic rock that had a plant growing in a little hole. She moved away before I could say goodbye, and before I moved out of that neighbourhood, I used to drop by our secret hideout to make sure it was still there.

speaking of childhood friends: one was called Lisa. She had gorgeous black hair (very long) and always came to church in the prettiest dresses. She was very good at art and once showed us tiny flowers she’d sculpted out of clay. She could speak fluent Chinese (she was part of the Chinese service) and I really liked her. Unfortunately when I last visited my hometown, she didn’t remember me at all. It was a very awkward conversation.

my third grade teacher was the BEST. She was a comfortable looking woman with black hair and blue eyes, and reminded me of both Marilla and Mrs. Lynde. We had mandatory knitting hour every day and went for runs in the forest every week. She had a little wooden book cabinet with glass doors, and I would borrow books from them every once in a while. She chose Because of Winn-Dixie and The Tale of Despereaux for our novel study unit, and read both of them out loud to us. (She read the whole of Winn-Dixie in a very convincing Southern accent.) Every single one of us had our own set of knitting needles, ball of yarn, and knitting bag (she and another elementary school teacher made knitting bags with drawstrings for each and every one of us). She was the only teacher I had in that school who could calm down the restless kids, and who showed the ADHD/ADD kids compassion. When she gave you That Look you knew you had to settle down and behave. I went to visit her many years ago and found out that she’d gone in for chemotherapy - I heard later on that she’d fully recovered. I hope she’s doing well.

my fourth grade teacher (part 1). I can’t remember his name, but I remember he was VERY tall, Caucasian, and wore a sweater and a name tag on his first day. The first thing he did with us was sit down on a desk and ask us our name and something interesting about ourselves. I told him that I really liked books. He asked me which ones. I said Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Narnia. He asked me about my opinion on other Roald Dahl books. He listened to ALL of us very intently, and we warmed up to him very quickly. At the end of our introductions he went around and repeated all our names and our interesting facts. I had never felt so understood before.

my fourth grade teacher (part 2). The first one switched schools after one or two weeks, and we had Miss Payson come in. She was also comfortable-looking, with short brown hair and purple glasses. She had a purple knitted hedgehog, and spoke very kindly to all of us. We had a mandatory creative writing session every week, where we would go to the computer lab and type for around an hour. I asked her permission once to write a story about her hedgehog, and she said yes. (I was VERY happy for the rest of the day.)

my fifth grade teacher (part 1). The first was an Italian lady with black hair to her shoulders and a matter-of-fact approach. The restless kids who liked to talk back got her riled up on several occasions, but most of the time she was very calm and practical. She taught us to write comparison essays (I did one on wild vs. farmed salmon and it was a horrible essay.) She told us she was going to get married in the summer. Are you going to invite us? asked one of the boys. No, she said, and laughed. Once, a boy in my class took Jesus’s name in vain (she told us right off the bat that she was Catholic) and a steely look entered in her eye. She told him very quietly that she didn’t want to hear any such language in class, and he apologised to her immediately, rather chastened. I did some creative writing with her, and she was the first teacher to tell me that she looked forward to seeing my name on a bookstore shelf one day. I will never forget that.

my fifth grade teacher (part 2). The second was a lady from Ghana who had two children she loved telling us about, and had a very bubbly and passionate personality. She read to us in class, was VERY good at math, and often directed a certain look at us I now call an ironic glance. 

this wisp of a girl with long brown hair and a slight nervous look called Valentina. She always looked nervous and a little unhappy, and I never got the chance to ask her why.

a friend from middle school with short red hair (very wild! very beautiful!) and freckles. We were both into The Hobbit when it came out, and collaborated on a novel for NaNoWriMo in 2013(?). It was a bit messy and we never really finished it, but I remember how insistent she was that we help the main character realise that the world was still a beautiful place. (I loved her for that.)

my old band teacher in elementary school, back when I could actually play clarinet. He was British, wore the same black earrings every class, was very tall, very thin, and very kind. He never once yelled at us for playing badly, or for getting distracted. Band was so much fun with him. I can’t tell you how many times we practiced King Arthur’s March, but I can tell you that it was a LOT.

someone I saw when I got off the train one day. I was on the way home, the train doors opened, and I saw the most beautiful pair of eyes I had ever seen. I don’t remember his face at all (I don’t recall any other features of his) but I do remember that it was late afternoon, and the sun struck his brown eyes. I could see the gold in them. It was an enchanting experience.

a whole GROUP of people I dearly wanted to be friends with: this boy who I thought must be some sort of fairy: rectangular wire glasses, very floppy dirty blond hair, angelic smile, insisted on wearing a pageboy cap and clunky boots, played violin like it was as natural to him as breathing. He was a very friendly person. His sister, who also had short hair and glasses - the kind of person whose enthusiasm is contagious. (When she talks to you, you can’t help but smile.) Also another of his possible relatives (I don’t know... they were both blonde, tall, and had similar hair): this slender, elf-like girl with a pixie cut who had black combat boots, and an endless supply of flannel shirts and dangly earrings. She was into Lord of the Rings and Doctor Who (I was always at the edge of my seat, wishing I could chime in with an “I love them too!” but I was never quite brave enough). Another girl was always dressed in black (with matching purple lipstick and ALSO black combat boots), and talked about the books she liked and didn’t like (Brave New World wasn’t worth reading, she said one day). A younger girl with bouncy blonde hair and these GORGEOUS blue-green eyes. I didn’t know that people’s eyes could actually sparkle until I saw her. She was the life of the party, and was incredibly charming because she didn’t seem to be aware at all how charming she was. OH and a girl who looked like she’d walked right out of the 1940s: red lipstick, curly ginger hair, beauty mark, with an incredible singing voice. She was in love with La La Land and Phantom of the Opera (very valid) and was the darling of the group (you could definitely tell why: she was well-spoken, bright-eyed, generous). And a very tall, very quiet boy with dark curly hair who was very talented at any kind of art. Very fluent in French (French was part of the vernacular in this friend group... they sometimes slipped in and out of it and I would just sit and smile, somewhat confused). Also very kind. I remember he once asked to look at my sketchbook (I was vibrating with nervousness the whole time. You know when you’re in middle school, and want validation SO much? Or maybe that was just my social anxiety) and when he finally handed it back, he said something nice and smiled. I instantly felt more at ease. He was also a friendly person, the kind of person you could sit with for a long time in silent companionship. Also very, very kind - and more of an action person than a talking person.

[slothgiirl]

shadowplay ch 2 (alex turner x reader)

Your phone rings, vibrating on the sette while you try and decide what to order for dinner. 

Work had run late and you had really just wanted to finish to jacket tonight and not have to pick up where you left off tomorrow. Not expecting any calls, you hit ignore and decide on chinese. Fried rice and pot stickers sounding heavenly. 

Your phone rings again and you decide to answer just to see who could be calling you. 

It can't be work. And your friends would've texted you. 

"Hello," you answer. If it's some telemarketer you can always hang up. 

"It's Alex." 

"Who?" You don't know anyone named Alex. 

"ugh you pretended to be be my girlfriend that one time," he trails off. 

"Oh yeah. Sorry my brains at like half charge right now."

"Long day at work," Alex asks. 

"Basically," you answer, "my hands are beyond cramped. You know you could've texted. Who calls anymore?"

"If I can't do something face to face," he counters, "callings the next best thing."

"Okay grandpa."

"I just wanted to well. . .ask if you would mind much doing it again." He pauses as if working up the courage to say the words. Taking so long I think he might have hung up. "Pretending to be my girlfriend that is."

"What happened," you can't help but asks, already wondering what kind of situation he got himself into. 

"Arielle sort of told some mutual friends and now. . ."

"Your friends think we're dating."

"Exactly," Alex finishes. 

"You could just come clean. No shame in that." Though the idea of seeing him again alone is worth considering faking a relationship. 

"Yes," he protests, "it's embarrassing. Arielle's getting married and I pretended I have a girlfriend. I 'fink I'd 'ave to live under a rock after that."

"Are you free right now?"

"Why," Alex asks.

"So we can talk things through. Oh and can you pick up food on the way. That'll save me the delivery fee."

"So you'll do it Love," sounding so hopeful you almost say yes on the spot. 

"Well what's in it for me?"

Alex snorts, "I'll grab you dinner or something. Anything you want for saving my bloody arse." 

"Well like I said, you can start by picking up dinner." You give him your address. 

A small flat at the top of some old building with a tiny balcony that was the main attraction. You had been looking at houses but had yet to find something in your range and one that you also wanted. So here you still were. 

You buzz Alex in, looking dapper in blue jeans and a strokes shirt with a different leather jacket on. This time sans glasses. 

"Thank you so much," you tell him as you unpack the food onto your coffee table, but not before making sure he takes off his leather boots with more of a heel than you could walk in. 

"No problem love," Alex says with a smile, "least I could do right." 

"Your learning."

He chuckles, taking a seat next to you on the sette. The great british bake off plays, an old episode. You haven't paid enough attention to know what's going on. 

"So. . ."

"Yes Al," you grin playfully. 

"Would you like to be my fake girlfriend?"

"Not until you explain what's actually going on."

He ducks his head as you start on the fried rice. Shoving forkfuls into your mouth without a care about how you look. Lunch seems to have been ages ago for how hungry you feel now. 

"Like I said over the phone. Arielle told a bunch of our friends and now Jaime invited us over and I said yes. And now I can't just fess up."

"You could though," you note, offering him a fork too. 

"I'd look so bloody pathetic."

"So if we were to do this," you ask carefully, not meeting his eyes, wondering what you were getting yourself into. But as the weird girl in college with only one good friend, you knew a thing or two about being embarrassed. And it sounds amusing. 

Not to mention Alex is beyond hot. 

He sighs, relieved. "It's just be once or twice. Then we break up and no one ever has to be wiser."

You sit up straighter, studying Alex. His well defined bone structure, his expressive brown eyes, and the way he couldn't quite meet your eyes, unsure as you felt about the whole thing. He looked like a proper douche with all the hair gel and habit for wearing sunnies when the sun had gone down, but you'd enjoyed talking to him. 

You still can't imagine it being hard for him to get a girl. And yet here he was. "Alright. I'm game if only because I think this whole thing is ridiculous. They're your friends. Not to mention I'm such a nice person." 

Alex laughs, which has you smiling hard enough that your cheeks hurt and for once not caring that it might look weird, might make your face look fat. 

"Oh thank god I was about ready to book a flight to LA and pretend I had work or something along those lines."

"I wish I could do that whenever I didn't want to deal with my aunt. My cousin got married last summer and now everyones looking at me every time we get together. I'm twenty six. Practically a child bride!"

It makes Alex laugh again. 

"If we're going to do this though," you tell him, opening up a fortune cookie, "we have to like establish details and have our story straight. Like I still don't know what you do. That'll raise eyebrows."

"True enough," Alex acknowledges. "I can already tell you'll be the smart one in this relationship."

You snort. "Tell that to my maths teacher."

"I was thinking, we've only been seeing each other for a weeks. I've flying back and forth quite a bit. It adds up," he states casually, like people just flew back and forth from one home to another all the time. "Haven't told anyone because we we seeing where this was going."

"Makes sense. So where did we meet? Musicians are supposed to be creative aren't they?"

"Are you really going to make me come up with everything by myself love?"

You roll your eyes, "I really should stop getting take out. It's bad for the planet but I'm so out of it after work."

"How about you tailored some clothes I needed fixin'," he suggests with a dangerously flirty grin. 

"That's so unprofessional Al," you protest, "I'd get into so much trouble for something like that."

"Which is exactly what you said when I asked you out," he continues, looking gleeful as the whole scenario plays out in his head, "but I was persistent. And said I'd never be a customer again if you'd give me a chance."

"And you pouted so much I just couldn't say not to that face," you add with a giggle. "I work at Hargreeves by the way. Mostly suiting through there are quite a few dressmakers there too."

"I have a little band called the Arctic Monkeys," Alex offers, watching you carefully. 

You shrug, "never heard of them."

"The last shadow puppets too," he adds, still studying your reaction carefully.

"You any good?"

"We're signed love so I 'fink we're doing all right."

"I don't think you're being a reliable source Al," you note, googling Arctic Monkeys instead. "much too humble."

"I'd sound like a twat otherwise."

Your eyes widen at the number of results and articles right off the bat. "doing all right my arse! You're bloody famous!"

"Only a little," Alex protests, running a hand through his hair, pink dusting his cheeks. 

You tell him about going to trade school and your apprenticeship  "Something right out of the devil wears prada! Kept pricking my fingers so badly!" Your friend Sam who does dresswear and complains about how, "everyone wants the same boring sillouttes! Can you believe dropping ten thousand pounds on a dress you could get at Harrods!" 

He tells you about growing up in Sheffield, about his band mates and old friends who have all gotten together or married by now, about his love for the strokes and Miles Kane. 

Alex talks about moving to New York for a girl, about moving to Los Angeles for a different girl. "I guess I'm a romantic at heart," he confesses. 

You blab about wanting to work for an Atilier like Valentino and how you still feel weird about spending money on things like a Chanel bag though you can justify it. About devouring magazines while your mum shopped. 

It had been that initial love for fashion and your grandmothers own seamstress skills that had led your down the path you'd taken. "Poshmark is bad for the environment and the clothes don't even hold up," you ranted. 

Old clothes done by hand had lasted much longer and there was something about making things. "It was always just fun to design something and then see it come together through I nicked myself a lot and my mum made sure I finished my assignments before spending hours in my room." 

Alex asks you about your taste in music which is, "hasn't really changed since college I mean Britney spears still slaps and who doesn't love the spice girls." 

Your shamelessness has him laughing again."I mean your not wrong about the spice girls love."

It's past ten when he finally makes to leave. "So next week at Jaime's," Alex asks once more, worried you might have changed your mind. 

"Yes. Text me the details. Or I guess call if that's more comfortable for you." 

He smiles, resting against the doorway, looking down at you with his soft brown eyes. "Can I kiss you? For practice I mean. . .they'll be expecting us too. . ." 

If you let him go on, it might take two years for him to get to the point and you've already set boundaries. Hand holding, hugging, all the typical couple stuff except for sitting in his lap. 

That was too much for you. A kiss here and there for believability but obviously you wouldn't be making out in public. 

Or at least, if this was real you wouldn’t go overboard in public so there was no reason to with him. 

So you kiss him on his lips, light and quick, just a goodbye kiss. And send him off.

[rkkyul]

190627 MGA SEASON 5  +  EPISODE ONE ⟨  ━━  ❀ °    PART ONE: PERFORMANCE, SWAN LAKE/STRIP ( 0:00 - 0:36, 0:00 - 1:22 )   ⟩

her expectations were questionable after her eventual day at seoul arts. initially, she had thought that with this many people chances of her going forward with the show were pretty slim. but after returning home and allowing herself to relax, slipping out of her clothing and cooling off in the bath with many bubbles and a modest glass of wine, kyulkyung found herself thinking back on her performance. her dance was more than acceptable in her eyes, but her singing might be a different story. 

fake it til you make it, something she used to tell herself often last year. she had forgotten the habit after waiting so long to perform again, nothing demanding this much out of her since her last perfomance at knb. the pressure and anxiety of not knowing how she did would slow eat her alive if she didn’t just fill herself with ounces of nothing but confidence. and so she did just that, told herself she had made it up until she opened the callback email that next week. 

the sound of her heart pounding on her chest was enough to make her ears ring, to make her mouth run dry and her fingers shake as she clicked and scrolled through the email. she couldn’t take it - the entire week of her telling herself you did it, there’s no way you didn’t meant nothing until she saw that she had indeed advanced. and sure enough, there it was.

CONGRAULATIONS, ZHOU JIEQIONG.

she was so relieved they spelled her name right.

the days leading up to the next phase of her journey were anything but relaxing. boyoung generously allowed her time off during her time at the mgas, however long that may be. in exchange for all the hassle, her friend gave her strict orders to win but she could only respond with a sheepish one step at a time. episode one sounded like another audition, further proving she had a long way to go.

this round kyulkyung had a bit more time to showcase what exactly she had to bring to the table. there were many dancers out there and she’s convinced a great number would be joining her on stage in a few days. she debated her performance over dinner with yuqi and boyoung over dinner - having bought a cake to celebrate the two in their advancement. yuqi was competition, but kyulkyung just couldn’t help herself from sharing every little detail about what she was wanting to do, probably talking the poor girl’s ear off but she just couldn’t stop. 

it was hard to get her mind off something she had set it to; she had thrown herself head first into this competition without even realizing it. in the beginning, her thoughts were just to try it out and see what happened, to satisfy those who poked at her to sign up for days just to get some peace. but it seemed that once she got a tiny taste of victory, kyulkyung just starved for more.

the woman didn’t dressed herself up too much when the time came, needing to formulate a costume that would allow easy and flexible movements but wouldn’t be too distracting. a nice pair of dark leggings hugged her legs, tiny zippers coming up the sides, and a pink fitted top that ended just below her navel covered her torso comfortably. kyulkyung carried her pointe shoes and tutu as to not ruin the ruffles, carrying herself proudly into the building and directing her eyes over the swarm of people.

fake it til you make it.

the woman found herself a seat on one of the sides of the stage, finding a seat near yuqi so she could sneak looks at her during the day. "good luck, pretty girl.” she whispered, smiling at her roommate before making her way towards an empty seat. as time went by, more seats filled up and kyulkyung found herself yet again growing impatient. she tapped her leg against the ground quickly, bouncing the limb up and down as she tried to pass the time with the people around here. most seemed nice enough but there were certainly a few she’d be keeping her eye on; this was a competition after all. 

the judges finally made their appearance and all at once the mood changed. for the first time since she sat down, kyulkyung shut her mouth and mimicked everyone else; following the CEOs as they took their seats and suddenly, this all felt too real.

 it wasn’t long before the first name was being announced by katie lee - all eyes on the unfortunate soul who had to set an example for them all. kyulkyung watched each performance intently, mumbling a few opinions and takeaways to the two who sat closest to her. the first performance proved to be a tiny bit of a let down and although she felt bad for the poor soul, she couldn’t help but whisper to minkyung who sat to her side. “maybe this won’t be as bad as we thought.”

it felt like forever before her name was called, kyulkyung growing too invested in everyone else’s performances. she almost didn’t register when her name was actually called - the only thing snapping her back to reality being Tiger JK’s voice as he called her name rather impatiently. "ZHOU... JIEQIONG” not too bad, kyulkyung thought to herself, quickly slipping out of one pair of shoes into the other. the woman stood and grabbed her tutu, practically running up onstage in fear of keeping the judges waiting. 

"PLEASE INTRODUCE YOURSELF”

kyulkyung nodded her head and let a bright smile form across her cheeks, both excitement and fear leaving her hands shaking as they held her tutu close to her chest. the tulle of her tutu was puffed out to perfection, a beautiful pink that complimented her perfectly but tickled her nose as she held it close to her chest. kyulkyung scrunched up her nose before blowing the tulle away from her face, dropping it further down her torso to introduce herself. “hello, i’m zhou jieqiong.” like her interview, the woman first introduced herself in chinese before continuing. “hello everyone!! my name is zhou jieqiong, but sometimes it’s just easier to call me kyulkyung.” she grinned, waving both at the judges and the other contestants before she continued. “i prepared something today that’s hopefully a little different, so hopefully you’ll like it.”

as soon as the lights began to dim, the woman instantly moved to slip into her tutu. she had a few moments to collect herself, to take a few breaths and slide into the role of odette. swan lake being a favorite of hers, it was a no brainer when it came to deciding on the first half of her routine. the music itself was absolutely beautiful, calm and elegant yet it took her breath away. the tune surrounded her on stage, willing her movements to begin - her legs shifting into a plié and allowing her arms to drop ever so slowly.

it was impossible for kyulkyung not to feel beautiful when she danced - the rush she got when she danced ballet something she had come to miss. this was her first serious performance in awhile where she got to wear her pointe shoes, the first she had performed a ballet routine in front of an audience since last year. that fact alone was enough to make her worry, but she craved to show this side of her - to give them something she hadn’t at her last audition. 

kyulkyung’s legs moved stiffly into high kicks and tightly kept movements - her legs the complete opposite of the pillowy motions of her arms. the ballet portion of her routine came to an end and the next section was quickly approaching, the music suddenly cutting out as she was moving into another kick. a look of surprised formed over her face, before she was moving to kick off her pointe shoes and slip out of her tutu. the look of mild confusion on the CEOs faces was enough to make her smile, the countdown to the next portion of her performance beginning.

take off all my make-up 'cause i love what’s under it rub off all your words, don't give a uh, i'm over it (jiggle all this weight, yeah, you know i love all of this) finally love me naked, sexiest when i’m confident

the beginning portion of strip contained so much of her personality, a huge contrast to what she had just shown. odette’s solo was all about elegance and beauty, nothing but gentle smiles and longing looks coming from a woman who was usually so full of life. the point of this performance was not only to show what she was capable of, who she was in the past, but to also show she was able to change, to adapt and let everyone know she knew how to have a little fun. 

you say i ain't pretty well, i say i'm beautiful, it's my committee say we too provocative still look at me, look at me, look at me, yeah come for my girls, you blind daily mail ratin', mañana a la noche i don't owe you nothin' nah, i don't give a, no, not anymore

kyulkyung moved across the stage, smiling from ear to ear and allowing herself to just have fun in this moment. she took a risk doing this, performing a routine that was full of charisma verses skill. boyoung told her to do something showcasing a bit more skill, more of a wow factor like her performance at the audition. but everyone would be doing that, who didn’t want to show all that they were capable of? and kyulkyung almost gave in, almost put together something that was more wow than power, but she couldn’t find herself enjoying it as much as she did now. 

this was not a time to show all that she was, but rather a short preview. she couldn’t give them everything now; she needed them to want more.

(ah-ooh) if you got little boobs, love it, love it, love it, love it, love it if you got a big ass, grab it, grab it grab it, grab it, grab it (ah-ooh) if you got nothing, babe, rock it it’s your life, go get it, if you want it up in the mirror like, "aw, yeah" lovin’ my figure like, "aw, yeah" when i'm slim or i’m thick, i'm like, "aw, yeah" swear i'ma kill 'em like ah

kyulkyung sure to let her eyes wander as she danced, bouncing back and forth from the judges to the contestants who surrounded the stage. the woman winked at hyun bin just to play around a bit - having the time of her lip up on stage and enjoying the spotlight she had.

strip! take off all my make-up ’cause i love what's under it rub off all your words, don't give a uh, i'm over it strip! jiggle all this weight, yeah, you know i love all of this finally love me naked, sexiest when I'm confident (ah, ah, ah, ah)

she missed moments like these the most. she loved all the attention on her, loved the rush and reactions she got when she was dancing. prior to the announcing of this season, kyulkyung hadn’t thought of being an idol. she didn’t know about the world of an idol and didn’t understand it completely. but the more she allowed herself to get caught up, the more she yearned for that contract, to see what all of this could bring.

maybe this was her new dream.

i ain't scared anymore my body outta control (strip!) baby, i know that you love dis, dis, dis, dis i know i'm a hot bitch, bitch gotta do what you want if they love it or they don't (srip!) i know you ain't ready for dis, dis, dis, dis baby, take it off (strip!) da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da

kyulkyung panted, breathless as she ended and sweat dotting her forehead. she prayed that they would have touch up after this because sweat and makeup do not mix. the woman smiled as she moved to bow and thank the CEOs for watching her performance. she bowed a few more times to both the staff and her fellow contestants before moving to go off stage - almost forgetting her tutu and shoes in the process. it was only after her performance that she realized she did that whole thing barefoot... at least she painted her toenails a pretty shade of pink the day before.

[preserving-ferretbrain]

Musings on Race in Fantasy or: Why Ron Weasley isn't Black

Blogger’s Note: This particular article is kind of funny in retrospect, now that drawing black!Harry and black!Hermione has become so common in the fandom.

Last year (or maybe the year before, time flies doesn't it), the Sci Fi channel produced an adaptation of Ursula le Guin's Earthsea stories. It caused something of a furore, because most of the main characters were white. I mention this for two reasons. 

The first reason is that the TV company, with typical mealy-mouthed style, insisted that they had practiced "colourblind" casting and in a stunning manipulation of middle class guilt, immediately implied that it was somehow racist to expect them to cast a Native American in the role, just because that was the real world ethnicity which most closely approximated that of the people of Earthsea. Obviously the white guy just happened to be the best guy for the role, obviously he stood out by a mile over the other contenders.  The second reason I mention it, though, was because when I read the books (many years ago now) I had completely failed to notice that Ged wasn't white. With the white middle class man's ingrained fear of being labelled a racist, I immediately constructed for myself very much the kind of justifications that the Sci-Fi channel had. "Oh well it's all about the character isn't it, Ged's character is the same whether he's black, white or whatever".  The thing is: it's natural for people to assume that a fictional character of unspecified race is the same race as them. Similarly I have a strong memory of seeing a picture in my year nine RE class of a depiction of Jesus from a church in China. Their version of Jesus, of course, looked Chinese, which broke a few of our tiny fourteen year old brains. Jesus is Chinese in China, black in Africa, Caucasian in England. He might even be Jewish somewhere, but that seems rather unlikely.  But there's another thing. I, yes, will generally assume that a non-racially-specific person is white. And I'm pretty sure that a Chinese person reading a book written in Chinese by a Chinese author will assume that a non-racially-specific person (who will probably have a vaguely Chinese sounding name and live in a fictional setting that looks pretty much like medieval China) would be ethnically Chinese. My girlfriend pointed out over lunch that, when she reads Haruki Murakami, she imagines all the characters as white, even though they're presumably mostly Japanese. It gets more complicated when you put minorities into the mix.  Put simply, I cannot put my hand on my heart and say that a black person living in England has the same luxury that I - and Chinese people in China, and Indians in India - enjoy. I, and I would imagine a great many other people who read the Earthsea books at a similar age to me, assumed Ged was the same race as me. I sincerely doubt that there are any black fantasy readers who made the same assumption about Aragorn when they read Lord of the Rings. Currently, then, I'm in one of those horrible situations where I think there's a point to be made, but I'm not entirely sure what it is. It's one of those "individual instance versus general trend" problems. I don't think you can look at any single work of fiction and say "that character, right there, should have been black". It's all very well saying that non-whites are underrepresented in Fantasy, but that's partly just because ninety percent of fantasy is set in a world that's functionally identical to medieval Europe. Most fantasy worlds do have black people in them, it's just that because they come from the Hot Continent In The South. Indeed most fantasy worlds seem to assume the existence of exactly four races: White Anglo Saxon, Black African, Asian (the Asian culture will invariably be a vast Empire in the East, and usually look like Han Dynasty China, plus Samurai, plus ninjas) and Arab (the Arabic culture will be either very religious or very mercantile, or both).  In fact, the races that are the most underrepresented in Fantasy are - arguably - the non-Anglo-Saxon "white" races. A remarkable number of Fantasy settings include quasi-Venetian city-states, quasi-Roman empires and quasi-Spartan warrior cultures, who none the less manage to look remarkably like they were born in Colchester, nary a Mediterranean complexion in sight. I can just about accept a quasi-European world with no black people in it (Fantasy worlds don't haveimmigration after all). It's rather harder to accept a fantasy analogue of Florence in which nobody looks Florentine. (This weird omission applies almost universally in fact: when was the last time you saw a Roman Emperor actually being played by a Roman? Why when it is unthinkable for a white man to play Othello does nobody bother to find a Venetian-looking Desdemona).  Of course I might be making a fuss about nothing. As I say, it's easy for me to assume that everybody I read about is white (even when there's textual evidence to the contrary). I don't really have any evidence that Locke Lamora isn't Latino, or that the men of Westeros aren't Hispanic (the Dornishmen are, of course, Generically Arabic but like most fantasy worlds, Westeros seems to have an invisible line across the equator, with the people going from "white as milk" on one side to "coffee-coloured" on the other with no in-between). So maybe it isn't a problem with the genre, maybe it's a problem with me. There is, after all, nothing stopping me from imagining Robert Baratheon as looking like a Greek Cypriot, or Ron Weasley as being a black kid who just happens to have red hair. If I assume that a character of unspecified race is Caucasian, that's my look out.  The problem is, though, that if I am making the assumption that J Random Character is white, just because I am white, then it seems overwhelmingly probable that the white middle class writers of fantasy are making the same assumptions. And I think this is an issue. When JK Rowling was designing her boy wizard (and I really don't mean to single her out here, it's just a good, well known example) I'm sure it didn't even occur to her that Harry Potter could be a black kid, any more than it occurred to me that he would be. When she was designing Ron Weasley, she imagined a character that would be her ideal image of an honest, supportive friend, and what she wound up imagining was a boy with red hair and freckles.  And it's that more than anything else that causes the trouble.  The problem with "race" in fiction in general and fantasy in particular, is that it has two very distinct implications. The first implication is the social and political one " "black" and "white" carry tremendous social connotations in the real world, and that bleeds over into created worlds as well. The second implication of a character's race, though, is much more prosaic. A person's race affects what they look like.  Well, duh.  But actually, it's the cosmetic implications of race that wind up being the most important. It is considered absolutely and unambiguously wrong in the modern world to judge somebody by their race. It is considered totally okay to judge somebody by their looks, particularly in a work of fiction, where somebody's physical appearance is often expected to tell you something about their personality. Ron Weasley has red hair and freckles: the average reader knows instantly what that is supposed to imply about him. He's boyish, a little impetuous, but basically a good person. He has "hero's sidekick" written all over him. The problem is, having "red hair and freckles" effectively precludes Ron Weasley from being black, because very few black people have red hair (although it isn't unheard of) and black skin tends to freckle far less visibly than white skin.  Again, just to be clear, I'm not saying that JK Rowling is "a racist" but I am saying that when JK Rowling formed in her mind the image of a true and decent friend, she deliberately gave that person particular physical characteristics which she felt created the appropriate image, and those traits are traits you are very, very unlikely to find in a black person.  Try to write a description of a beautiful woman, and the odds are better than even that you'll make her tall and slender with long, golden hair. Chances are, you'll make her tall and slender with long golden hair even if you're more into brunettes. "Tall and slender with long golden hair" is our cultural shorthand for beauty - it's what Cinderella looks like, it's what Rapunzel looks like, it's what Laura Fairlie looks like, Sweeney Todd's dead wife and lost daughter are both "beautiful and pale, with yellow hair". Snow White's a brunette, but she's still got skin as white as snow. No writer would dream of suggesting that a black person couldn't be beautiful, but our "generic" idea of beauty is pale and blonde, just like our "generic" idea of boyish charm is a freckly redhead and our "generic" idea of a wise man is a white guy with a long beard and a pointed nose (I'll talk about noses more in a bit).  The "race affects how you look" issue is also another strike, I think, against the idea that I only assume that everybody in Fantasy is white because I'm a white man myself. When people talk about "race" they tend to just think in terms of skin colour, but of course it actually affects a whole lot more than that. I can't think of a single point in the Potter books where it explicitly says that Dumbledore or Harry are white (so you could argue that it's just my preconceptions coming into play), but race isn't just about skin colour. Harry Potter is famous for his messy, floppy hair (again, it's a characteristic that makes him seem more like "a regular kid" - or at least a regular white kid). Dumbledore, of course, has his long, pointy nose. Even if their skin colour isn't mentioned explicitly, neither of these physical characteristics are terribly likely to be possessed by a black man. There are exceptions, of course, but in general black people don't have "floppy" hair or pointed noses. All in all I feel confident that, when I assume a character in a fantasy novel is white, the author is making the exact same assumption.  I've just spent about 1700 words slating Fantasy writers for not including enough black people in their books (and certainly not including enough Latino or Greek people despite a great many settings looking a whole hell of a lot like Spain, Greece or Italy), but I'd like to spend a moment backpedalling. The thing is that what I said at the start, about it being natural to assume that a person of non-specific race looks pretty much like you still holds. If I was a Fantasy writer I am damned sure that I'd make my protagonists white, just because it wouldn't occur to me to do otherwise. If I had to write about a beautiful woman, you can bet your arse I'd make her tall and slender with long golden hair, because that's how I instinctively think of a "beautiful woman" looking (even though I do, in fact, far prefer dark women in real life).  The other problem with race in Fantasy is that, because it's not our world, you can't use nationality as a short hand. It's actually remarkably hard to describe many non-white races without resorting to (a) cliche or (b) rather dubious ethnic stereotypes. You can get away with it fairly easily in something set in the real world, because you can just say somebody is "Chinese" or "Azerbaijani" and either people will know what you mean, or they can look it up on the internet. In a fantasy world you don't have that luxury. This is probably why there are only four races in most fantasy worlds. Anybody whose race isn't described is white. Anybody who has dark skin is Generically Arabic, anybody who has very dark or black skin is black, and anybody who has a long moustache or does Kung Fu is Asian. Some fantasy worlds similarly include a quasi-Mongolian culture, who we know to look Mongolian because they have a close relationship with their horses. You might, if you're very lucky get "olive skinned" people (who are presumably therefore green) tending Big Fields of Ancient Wheat, but that's about your lot. Again however, I wonder how much more Fantasy writers can realistically be expected to do.  The simple fact is that the real world is unimaginably complicated. A fantasy series is praised for its worldbuilding if it contains more than six moderately well realised nations. The CIA World Factbook lists the real world as containing over two hundred and sixty. Similarly, while fantasy worlds may grossly oversimplify the concept of ethnicity, it would be impossible to do otherwise - just looking at the CIA world factbook again, we see (for example) seven distinct ethnicities depicted as existing within Albania alone (Albanian, Greek, Vlach, Roma, Serb, Macedonian, Bulgarian) while the entry for China lists eleven (Han Chinese, Zhuang, Uygar, Hui, Yi, Tibetan, Miao, Manchu, Mongol, Buyi, Korean). The complexities of real-world ethnic diversity are beyond even the most talented of fantasy authors, never mind your average Quest-and-McGuffin merchant.  In the end, then, the thing I find most upsetting about the appallingly whitewashed nature of most fantasy settings is that I can absolutely understand why they're like that. Even though I'm a thoroughly modern, thoroughly liberal man, even though I work in an international school am therefore able to feel smug and cosmopolitan because I know what people from Kazakhstan look like and have a reasonable chance of identifying an Azerbaijani accent I still, deep down, instinctively assume that "person" means "white person", and I can't ultimately condemn JK Rowling for giving her white protagonist a white best friend and a white mentor, and having them marry a couple of nice white girls and have nice white kids who they named after their dead white relatives. I know I'd do exactly the same.  The sad fact is that most white people don't think about race that much, because we simply don't have to. While this is arguably better than being actively racist it's still kind of a sorry state of affairs, and it's unbelievably pathetic that after all these years, Ursula le Guin is still pretty much the only person in the industry who seems to give a shit.

Themes: J.K. Rowling, Books, Minority Warrior

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Comments (go to latest)

Arthur B at 00:49 on 2008-03-15

The amazing thing about the racial mix in Earthsea is how many people completely miss it, despite le Guin's valiant efforts in throwing out evidence pointing towards it. The only other author I can think of who's played with people's cultural stereotypes in this way is (big surprise coming here) Gene Wolfe; in The Book of the New Sun you need to pay attention to notice that Severian lives somewhere near where Buenos Aires is in our own time, that the Commonwealth it is a part of is South America, and that the Maoist-flavoured despotism threatening the Commonwealth exists in North America; the average fantasy reader (in the Anglo-American world, at least) is going to tend to assume that Our Hero lives in the northern hemisphere and that slogan-spouting Maoists are Chinese.

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Guy at 04:34 on 2008-03-15

I remember it coming as quite a shock to me when I read Wizard of Earthsea to discover that Ged was dark-skinned. I'd already formed a picture of him in my mind and it was disconcerting to be told that this picture was wrong. It did make me think about race in fantasy worlds, though... later I read an essay by le Guin in which she said she did this deliberately... the idea being to try to secure the reader's identification with the protagonist before letting them in on what that protagonist looked like. I think maybe the reason fantasy worlds tend to be so ethnically homogeneous is that they're mostly seen as (and used as, probably) an escapist outlet and we don't like difficult social questions in our escapist fluff. I imagine a similar racial mix can be found in Mills and Boon novels, for example? I think le Guin is one of those fantasy (and sci-fi) writers who is intent on doing more than providing formulaic escapism and showing what the genre is capable of extending to... it's a shame there aren't more like her. I think escapism is great, but I'd hate to think that was all the fantasy genre had to offer.

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Dan H at 10:08 on 2008-03-15

As I say, I can actually forgive fantasy for not handling race well, because it's actually very hard to do well, and I can certainly forgive purveyors of light, escapist fantasy for not dealing with complex real-world social issues. On the other hand it kind of does bug me that - say - JK Rowling has an all-white cast saving their 99% white world from all-white villains and then gets praised for (a) her sensitive handling of the issue of racism and (b) her amazing courage in having two black characters who never do or say anything, and a character who is revealed to be gay in an interview (and was therefore Never Able To Find True Love Or Happiness Because of His Unnatural Predelictions). Look! It took me all of three posts to turn this into JKR-bashing! The ethnic makeup of Westeros also seriously confuses me. Why do the blonde people live two miles north of the black people? Why?!

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Guy at 12:01 on 2008-03-15

Very crisp edges on the ozone layer?

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Sister Magpie at 16:45 on 2008-03-15

I've always felt a little lucky that I didn't read Earthsea until after the TV movie came out. I didn't see the TV movie, but I read the complaints about this, so I went into the book knowing what Ged looked like in the book. If I hadn't it's quite possible I would have overlooked it the same way. Which means the best I can say is that I'm willing to make the effort to keep non-white characters non-white--which isn't much!

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Arthur B at 16:55 on 2008-03-15

More likely the mighty efforts of the stalwart warriors manning the Kingdom's defences against the marauding hordes of dark people. :( Actually, let me nominate David Gemmell as someone who can, when the mood takes him, handle racial issues fairly well, or at least not appallingly badly. Even in Legend, his most black-and-white clash-of-cultures novel, he takes pains to make sure that both the Drenai and the Nadir civilisations have a mix of admirable and disreputable qualities, and there is genuine cultural mixing at the borders between nations; he even hints in The King Beyond the Gate that the Last Great Hope for Peace is not, in fact, the decadent, played-out, and European Drenai, but the vibrant, young and vaguely Mongolian Nadir. Then again, you do have Pagan as the Token Awesome Black Dude in The King Beyond the Gate, but I half-suspect that Gemmell introduced him simply because his publishers pressured him to and he was fed up of having his manuscripts rejected; he manages to make the dude reasonably three-dimensional and interesting later on. More importantly, he manages to make the dude three-dimensional and interesting in a manner which doesn't hinge simply on him coming from a vaguely African culture, but engages with him as a human being with very human flaws that, like all of Gemmell's heroes, he strives to overcome. At the end of the day, I suppose that giving characters from diverse races and cultures a similar treatment without stripping them of any distinctive cultural identity is the best that fantasy authors can hope for. (Which ties in, of course, with Dan's concerns about JKR. Sure, she throws in a few black and Asian kids in Hogwarts, but they pretty much never get a chance to do any of the cool stuff that the white kids do.)

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Arthur B at 16:56 on 2008-03-15

whups, Magpie and I cross-posted "More likely the mighty efforts of the stalwart warriors manning the Kingdom's defences against the marauding hordes of dark people. :(" was a response to Guy's comment about the ozone layer.

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Rami at 20:08 on 2008-03-15

It is really quite annoying how not that many fantasy series ever have an equivalent to South Asia ;-) but then, I'm a little biased...

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Guy at 07:37 on 2008-03-16

Incidentally, I saw a bit of the TV series of Earthsea... and I think with a certain amount of harrumphing I could have accepted the racial changes, if it weren't for the fact that it was a badly written, badly acted, utterly generic "McMagic" blancmange with no real reason to have the Earthsea name attached to it.

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Arthur B at 09:26 on 2008-03-16

Incidentally, does anyone know whether the Studio Ghibli version of Earthsea is any good? I know that le Guin was disappointed that Miyazaki gave the directing job to his son rather than doing it himself, but I also seem to remember that she isn't nearly as upset with it as she was with the SciFi channel version. Of course, anime has its own problems with dealing with racial issues; in most of Ghibli's films all the human beings seem to be of exactly the same race, whereas when other anime studios try to do non-European, non-Japanese characters it doesn't always work well.

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Jen Spencer at 09:48 on 2008-03-17

This is reminding me of Jazz in the Transformers movie. That hurt my brain.

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Rami at 11:56 on 2008-03-17

Jazz in the Transformers movie Oh, God, he really was just gratuitously ethnic, wasn't he? Just like in Not Another Teen Movie, which despite being a bit crap did hit the nail on the head with their Token Black Guy.

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Andy G at 19:54 on 2008-03-18

Interesting sci-fi / fantasy comparison here - are there any fantasy settings with heterogenous societies? I can only think of Ankh Morpork in the later Discworld stories, where he is deliberately focusing on the issue. It seems to be a much more common feature of sci-fi - Firefly, Star Trek, the Foundation series etc. Fantasy is perhaps still taking a Tolkien world-view as a point of departure, rather than the modern world - whereas the visions of the future in sci-fi have changed along with the visions of the present? More generally on all genre fiction - since sci-fi is only COMPARATIVELY progressive - perhaps it's also significant that the world-view in them tends to be much more white-centric in the assumptions on the part of the author and reader because we don't read from fantasy, sci-fi, detective stories, romances, thrillers from authors outside the UK and US? I can think of Night Watch from Russia and that's it. Even in Germany they tend to read just English fantasy / sci-fi.  Oh and a final thought that just came to me - what about the whole question not just of characters' appearances but their accents - isn't that quite revealing about our assumptions too?

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Dan H at 10:56 on 2008-03-19

I think there's two distinct things to think about here actually. One is the comparative homogeneity/heterogeneity of the *setting* and the other is the application of the same principles to the actual *story*. Ankh Morpok is "heterogeneous" chiefly in terms of its non-human races, and the presence of the odd Klachian. In this sense it's actually not much different to JKR's world (where we're told categorically that Dean Thomas Is Black). Firefly basically has one black chick, one Mysterious Old Black Dude (who skates dangerously close to what tvtrops.org would call a "Magical Negro" at times) and that's about it. For a world where society is supposed to be fully 50% chinese, they run into surprisingly few Chinese people. Original trek was well done by the standards of its day - it was massively tokenistic but it was the sixties for crying out loud. TNG was actually far worse (there's what, one black guy on board, and he's an alien). Again, I'm not saying that there's anything *wrong* with white writers who write for mostly-white audiences in a mostly-white country in a predominently white industry writing stories where the protagonists are themselves mostly white. It's when they start making a big song and dance about how totally racially diverse they are it gets to me. Firefly does reasonably well in including a just-above-tokenistic proportion of non-white characters but when you remember that it's supposed to be set in a society where the chinese are actually a majority they start to be notable by their absence.

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Andy G at 12:38 on 2008-03-19

Absolutely, I think that's a much clearer explanation of the qualification I was trying to get at when I said sci-fi was only 'comparatively progressive.'

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Jamie Johnston at 11:01 on 2008-03-24

Very interesting stuff. I find myself wondering what is the best way for a writer to deal with the fact that his readers will make these assumptions. The Rowling approach of simply relying on them (and probably sharing them) and therefore not bothering to specify anything about a character's ethnicity unless it happens not to conform to them (e.g. Dean Thomas Is Black) reinforces the assumptions at least in as much as it doesn't challenge them. On the other hand, if a writer carefully specified the ethnicity of every character it would (1) get very tedious for the reader and (2) give the reader the impression than ethnicity is very important to the story, even if it isn't. Then again one can do what Gaiman does in 'Anansi Boys', which is to wilfully ignore the fact that your readers are making these assumptions and just to write the thing on the basis that *you* know all your principal characters are black and your readers will figure it out eventually. That may in principle be a very noble way to go about it, in that it doesn't indulge your readers' unhelpful ways of thinking and in fact makes them feel they've been rather silly and faintly racist, when the penny finally drops, for thinking in that way in the first place; but it also means that at some point around page 100 your readers will be massively distracted from the story you're telling them by having to make extensive retrospective mental adjustments while feeling they've been rather silly and faintly racist. Which doesn't really make for a satisfying aesthetic experience. P.S. Andy raised the point of science fiction from outside the Anglo-American sphere: I haven't read any, but I heard on the radio the other day that there's a big boom going on at the moment in Indian sci-fi. Might give an interesting angle on things, especially since (as has already been pointed out) fantasy and sci-fi tend to ignore the Indian subcontinent altogether because there's only room in The East for one civilization and it's usually Vaguely Chinese.

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http://draxar.livejournal.com/ at 20:50 on 2011-07-14

A very late comment, but one book that purposefully plays with this idea is Anansi Boys, where the majority of the main characters are black, and if I recall correctly, it mentions when a character is white, but not when they're black.

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Cammalot at 23:50 on 2011-07-14

I adored the hell out of that book for just that reason. It felt... refreshing. :-) Basically everywhere else in life (in my experience of Western culture, anyway) the opposite is done. "A woman walked own the road" followed by actual detailed description, versus "A black man got out of the car." The end. (Not even "A man got out of the car; he was black..."

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http://keysersose.blogspot.co.uk/ at 16:41 on 2017-03-16

I had a similar argument with my writer chums the other day, and Harry Potter was the example we used as well.  Generally, fantasy writers treat white as default (consciously or unconsciously), and expect the readership to assume characters are white unless otherwise specified (again, consciously or unconsciously). That annoys me, so I have a somewhat petulant policy of mentally depicting all characters as black unless their ethnicity/race is actually specified. Harry Potter actually deserves some praise for never specifying the race of characters, which is a thing a lot of authors do dp. Rowling implies ethnicity through character description, or with stereotypical "ethnic" names, but she never goes so far as to tell you that Hermione is white British or Dumbledore is Persian. This is better than when a writer tells you a character is black (when skin colour has no apparent significance to the story or setting). I assume this is a middle-class, white guilt thing where they feel it necessary to indicate there are indeed people of colour in their book, but it kind of backfires because they only mention a character's skin colour when they are not white, implying white is the default setting. It is also usually the case that these POCs are relegated to support characters, and the author has reinforced the fact that the protagonist is lily-white. If I was a non-white reader, I might have imagined the protagonist up to a point of matching my ethnicity. The lack of mention initially communicates that I can imagine what I like. But then this stupid rule about pointing out the brown people asserts the white-is-default rule, and that means my mental image must be wrong. This issue also came up when reading the Kingkiller series, in that one of the characters is meant to be non-white, but it wasn't apparent to most of the readership because the character was described as "dusky" skinned, which could be used to describe anyone from Megan Fox to Grace Jones. Qvothe has the red hair, and the references to pubs and lutes imply a generic European medieval setting, but now there is this weird alternative problem where the description is so vague, it is basically pointless description except to imply everyone else isn't dusky coloured (and so therefore white). Qvothe himself has read hair, but is also from some cultural equivalent to Romani/Travellers. Fine, I think. Qvothe is black too.

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Arthur B at 17:31 on 2017-03-16

Interesting to see this one pop out of the archives, seeing how, whilst Ron is still not black in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Hermione is. I am with you on the utter uselessness of "dusky" as a description of someone's skin colour. So far as I can make out, it can apply to anyone who is not an actual albino.

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Orion at 19:47 on 2017-03-30

There's actually a quite sensible reason that Ron Weasley isn't black, and indeed why he has red hair, which is unrelated to the character-type-signaling.  The Weasleys are an aristocratic old-money family that has been active and well known in Britain for a long time. They're not wealthy any more (or at least neither they nor the Malfoys would describe them as wealthy), but they're blood relations to many of the genuinely powerful families and have intergenerational rivalries with at least one. I think it's a pretty safe assumption that most (though perhaps not all) of the wizard families with ancestral estates in England and blood relations to other wizard families with ancestral estates in England are white. I suppose they could have been the descendants of a foregn merchant house that transplanted to England or it could have been one of Ron's parents rather than Ron who married a black outsider, but I think those changes do lead to different stories.  Given that they're white, it makes sense that the Weasleys have red hair. It's because of their hair that everyone knows who they are and what they look like and can spot them across a room. One assumes that Ron might not be so cripplingly self-conscious if he weren't so easy to spot and recognize. Also, while everyone has to acknowedge that the Weasleys are wizard highborns, many think the Weasleys are somehow "not as good" as the other highborn families. I'm an American and liable to be mistaken about this kind of thing, but I'd expect that when English people in the UK see a family of redheads, they would assume that family was probably the the UK, but more likely to be Scottish or Irish than English, and that English nobility would feel that Scottish nobles are definitely nobles, but not really as good as English nobles.

[fluentlanguage]

#clearthelist October 2018: I Went To Wales And You Won't Believe This Crazy Language I Spoke There

It’s time again for my language learning update with #clearthelist, the monthly language learning round-up sharing language learning goals, support, and accountability.

What Happened In September?

After all the summer’s travels, it was nice to spend a consistent bunch of weeks at home. I got back into my usual language routine — only to the extent that that routine actually exists! I’m not a “1 hour at this time every day” kind of person. In fact that kind of schedule would drive me crazy, so instead I focused on the goals for the month and making sure I maintain that daily contact level.

All in all, a good month for language! Plus, I’ve now started meeting on a weekly basis with Lindsay and Shannon again because we’re putting on a Women in Language sister event in November. Make sure you’re on the Women in Language list to stay up to date!

In other activities, the month was full up with promo, planning and bookings for the next Fluent German Retreat, which will be Christmas themed in December. I. Cannot. WAIT!!!

Travel in Wales: Is Welsh Useless After All?

At the end of the month, my husband and I spend a week travelling in Wales. It was lovely, we visited the Brecon Beacons, I swam in a lake, we walked in stupendous landscapes. By all measures, this trip was a success.

Except…I hardly spoke the language! You may have read how much I spoke in just 3 days at my last Welsh visit, the Eisteddfod in Cardiff., and wonder how come I didn’t get as much practice in this time?

In truth, I couldn’t find anyone who spoke Welsh. You may have heard before how the Welsh language was pushed out by English over the last 100-200 years. In the Brecon Beacons, this is super evident. Lots of people told me about parents and grandparents who “got beaten up in school for speaking Welsh, so they stopped”.

Make of that what you will. I think it’s not funny.

Where I grew up in Germany-near-Luxembourg, it was common to head to another country and for the border region folks to be bilingual. Yes, even in a tiny language like Luxembourgish. No one EVER would call Luxembourgish useless. Yet here in the UK, people do it to the Welsh (and probably the other UK languages) all of the damn time. Why would you have this presumption that a language is “useless”?

Anyway!! Do you have thoughts about this? Share them in the comments below, or come to the Polyglot Conference, buy me a drink and let’s put the world to rights.

The Fluent Show

The Fluent Show celebrated European Day of Languages (26 September) in style this year, with a HUGE 20 language quiz edition hosted by me and Lindsay. We quizzed each other and you lot. I’ve yet to find anyone who recognised all 20 languages. Could it be you?

Listen Here To Take Our 20 European Languages Quiz

Language Goals and Progress

Let’s have a look how September went in terms of language goals. I’ve got a feeling about this one!

Listening

The goal was to switch the radio on in Welsh 2-3 times per week. I managed this in week 1 (starter’s enthusiasm) and in week 4 (the car radio had Radio Cymru). In between, I did watch a few shows on S4C including coverage of Ironman Wales. I’d say 8 out of 10 for this goal.

Reading

Sgwp, Sgwp, Sgwp. It’s the book that keeps on giving. I’ve not set up a pretty good routine of reading the chapter, highlighting vocab, looking it up and putting it into my notebook, and reviewing previous words while I’m there.

I got through more chapters in September, but feel like more reading in Welsh is necessary.

Speaking

Speaking was pretty great! I had two meetings with Nicky and arranged to meet my friends Dafydd and Gavin while I was in Cardiff on the Wales trip.

I also set the goal to get through Say Something in Welsh 2 up to level 18, and in fact I’ve just finished level 19. Da iawn!

Writing

Well…I did download the exam papers. But then I didn’t look at them in detail. In fact, I totally forgot about this goal so it’s time I got back to it.

Through instant messaging in Welsh, I’m noticing that slowly I’m better able to translate “what I want to say in my head” into Welsh language without hesitation. Writing is always a slower skill for me, because speaking comes naturally with my extrovert/gregarious personality.

But as my tax advisor said…”you can’t hand wave through everything”.

Monthly Contact Goal

September looks pretty good, with 22 days out of 30 checked on the “daily contact with Welsh log”. Even when I didn’t speak Welsh to people on my trip, it was contact every day through bilingual signage and Radio Cymru in the rental car.

Other Languages

There’s always a chance for other languages to sneak in, and I did a tiny bit of playtime on the Drops app in Chinese and watched some Netflix with French subtitles.

Goals For October 2018

In October, I’m planning a trip to Croatia and a talk at the Polyglot Conference in Ljubljana, so it’s a busy one. Are you coming?

In October, I want to keep up the current Welsh level and play with a few other languages such as Chinese. I’m hoping to spend a good amount of time with Lindsay and Shannon, so maybe I can annoy them with my practice of tones.

Listening

At this stage, I feel it’s important for me to get lots more realistic spoken Welsh input so it’s definitely key to keep that TV or radio habit up. The goal’s 2-3 times a week, as before.

Reading

It’s not a particularly inspired goal, but I will continue to make progress with Sgwp and have a book of short stories lined up for afterwards. Reading is such a great way for me to grow my vocabulary. At this stage it’s more helpful for new words than online lessons!

Taking into account the big amount of travel I’ve got coming up, my goal is 5 chapters of Sgwp.

I want to dedicate the rest of the time to picking up the good old Chinese in 10 Minutes a Day again. Perhaps I should actually spend 10 minutes a day on it and then I’ll learn way more Chinese!!

Speaking

I will continue to book in an hour or so every week for a virtual paned a sgwrs (cuppa and a chat) in Welsh when my friends can spare the time. I am also craving contact with more speakers, so am considering putting together a Meet-Up Cymraeg here in Canterbury in the next month.

Writing

Tricky! I do want to work on that exam paper, but this month I don’t feel ready. I’ll set a different goal and park this one. My goal is to post a Welsh language caption on Instagram at least once a week.

How Was Your Month?

So that’s it for this month’s goals! Be sure to check out the linkup for #clearthelist, hosted by Lindsay Williams and Shannon Kennedy.

By the way, if you want to hear more about what you can do when you’ve failed to meet a goal, check out September’s Fluent Show episode about goals with tips from me and Lindsay.

Are you setting goals, too? How do you feel about your target language and its usefulness?

Leave a comment below to tell me all about it!

[restlessmaknae]

Those damn smirks

Part III of my series called That damn thing we call love.

Part 1 :: Those damn boots :: Boy meets that damn thing we call love.

Part 2 :: Those damn lies :: Boy meets that damn thing we call heartbreak.

Part 3 :: Those damn smirks ::  Boy meets that damn thing we call second chance.

Part 4 :: Those damn words ::  Boy meets that damn thing we call confession.

Genre: fluff, comedy, slice of life, a bit of angst

Setting: high school!AU

Words: 10.6k

Main Characters: Jeon Jungkook x OC

It was an exceptionally beautiful August with the sound of cheerful birds singing on top of trees and golden rays of sunshine painting the mackerel sky.

As far as Korean students were concerned, the school year had already started despite the beautiful weather and the effort to spend outside as much time as they could. Miyeon was also pouting sadly, looking up at the picturesque sky dotted with tiny cirrocumulus clouds while listening to Taeyeon’s enthusiastic chattering about her attempt to taste the well-known Peking duck.

They were walking side by side after taking the same bus, recalling those good old days before Taeyeon had left to China. Now, her student exchange program had come to an end and she was back again to start the new school year with Miyeon. Well, with one little twist; she was attending the junior’s classes because her mother insisted on repeating the grade as her Chinese trip was just a once in a lifetime cultural experience and not an educational course. As a result, they weren’t in the same year, so Miyeon would have to take the CSAT one year earlier than her best friend.

“Believe me, that guy is seriously way too gentle to be real,” her best friend stated with awe and shifted her attention to the girl walking beside her. Taeyeon suspiciously raised an eyebrow in question, making her doubt clear. Miyeon blushed ashamedly as she realized that she was totally lost in thought and tried to puzzle up the words she had said. “You have no idea who I was talking about,” she went on and her lips slowly curved into a teasing smile. Her chocolate brown eyes were filled with playfulness and sparkled like two little diamonds. That was what she had missed the most; when she was way too happy and couldn’t suppress her beautiful, angel-like smile. That girl was seriously too beaming to live in this degenerate world.

“Well, not really,” Miyeon admitted, nibbling her lips and cautiously shot her a timid smile. Taeyeon couldn’t hold herself back anymore, she immediately burst into laughter.

“Alright, I was talking about Mark, our new exchange student, but who cares about him when your favourite boy is coming just our way,” she started in a mocking tone which immediately turned into the typical ‘I exactly know what’s going on’ Taeyeon tone. She nudged her and pointed to a bunch of boys who were walking towards the school’s entrance door. They were chattering loudly and joyfully, sometimes bumped their fists together or slightly hustled each other but totally ignored everyone around them, they were just having fun.

Unfortunately, Taeyeon chose time moment to leave her alone because she noticed Byun Baekhyun pushing the entrance door and hastily ran after him. She watched as her silhouette faded away and let out a heavy sigh. She knew that there was a lot for the two to talk about but she really had to disappear at such an unfortunate timing?

She understood her because the couple had lots of quarrels regarding Taeyeon’s student exchange program which she signed before she got closer to him. Yet, they still got together and she still insisted on going to China. They had a serious fight on the day of her departure and didn’t even talk until she got back a week ago. Now, everything was a little bit awkward and confusing for them but it was obvious that they still liked each other. Plus, they had a lot of time to puzzle out their feelings and spend more time together as they were classmates from that year because lucky Byun Baekhyun was one year younger than her. Not to mention that he was one of Chanyeol’s best friends.

Marching on alone, the encounter was inevitable. It must have been fate but Miyeon and the squad reached the entrance door at the same time, thus they had to decide who would go first. It was a little bit embarrassing as the boys’ conversation suddenly stopped and it was followed by an awkward pause. Miyeon caught sight of the subtly smiling Jungkook and felt her face turning red. He got even more attractive during the summer break and looked manlier than ever. Nonetheless, when he shot his typical bunny smile and his cute cheekbones exploded, he was the same old Jungkook who she was so fond of. Not that she didn’t like him waggling his eyebrows or giving a smug smirk directed at her but she fell in love with that innocent-looking Jungkook who looked at her so dearly when they spent their birthday together a year ago.

“Miyeon-ah, so good to see you!” exclaimed Taehyung, grinning from ear to ear and subconsciously hugged her. It was a rather clumsy but affectionate hug but she was so startled to get such a warm welcoming that she could hardly speak.

“Good to see you, too, Taehyung,” she patted his back and waited for him to let her go. She noticed Jungkook gulping a little bit too edgily but shook off the thought right away.

“Please, Taehyung, just let her go unless you don’t want this poor girl to suffocate!” Hoseok joined in, rolling his eyes in disbelief but one of his trademark grins was forming on his lips. He looked exactly the same with his obsidian-black, slightly curly hair, smiling eyes and sloppy jeans. He was still good-looking but couldn’t defeat Seokjin who had probably got a new haircut because his hair looked a little bit shorter and it was just as neatly-cut as he had come from the hairdresser’s.

It came as no surprise that Yoongi now changed his hair colour from bleached blonde to mysterious grey but it actually suited him. Jimin was no longer the redhead but opt for the natural look with fluffy, brown curls which actually looked better than anything else before. There was no change in Namjoon’s hair colour or behaviour, he kindly waved at her direction but cautiously glanced at Taehyung who finally let her go.

Lastly, she couldn’t forget about the seventh boy who was coyly smiling at her, his jet-black eyes shining like attractive black little holes while his intense stare seemed to pierce into her soul. Oh boy, was he even aware of the fact that he was so appealing that it was almost illegal? He was like an addiction, a drug or the most dangerous sickness of all times; as you were spending time with him, you impulsively wanted more and more.

“It’s been such a long time since we last saw you,” Jimin ran his hand through his chocolate brown hair while the others nodded in agreement. “What have you been up to?” he asked and the curiosity in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. Everyone else also stared at her with their eyes wide open and shining with fondness. Miyeon couldn’t help but peeked a bit at Jungkook’s direction but immediately turned her face away when he shot her one of his typical smirks. That boy was unbelievable!

“Nothing much,” she shrugged but continued, noticing the boys’ disappointed glances. “Visiting my grandparents, reading a lot of mangas, watching animes and finishing an English course.”

“An English course?” Namjoon raised one of his eyebrows in question but after her confident nod, he flinched appreciatively. Hoseok was clapping heartily, Seokjin shook his head saying that she was way too good at everything, Jimin and Taehyung were grinning proudly as if they had finished the course themselves while Jungkook started at her open-mouthed. She wouldn’t think that it would be a jaw-dropping mark but for him, it seemed that it was.

“Maybe you should teach Jungkookie,” Taehyung blurted out with his totally innocent look which resulted in the golden maknae’s irritated grumble. The eldest immediately comforted him by saying:

“He’s not that bad.”

“I remember vividly that the first English sentence which I’ve heard from him was ‘I like you,’” Namjoon recalled the memory with a playful twinkle in his pitch-black eyes while the other guy’s cheeks suddenly flushed. He looked so embarrassed, exactly the opposite of the way too charming guy during dance practices. Miyeon giggled a bit but tried hard not to show her huge grin. She was having so much fun.

“Omo, what a cheeky boy!” Hoseok said, patting the youngest guy’s back and cheerfully guffawed. She looked at this almost ordinary situation and wondered how precious these guys were. They could never get offended at whatever the others said and even comforted each other during hardships. She almost forgot how much she liked the boys but whenever she almost did, they always showed up and reminded her that the feeling in her heart was still steady.

“I’m sure you’ll nail the CSAT,” Yoongi added rubbing his chin and suppressed a yawn. She felt delightful from the thought of him not even changing a bit because she liked the way he was. After his reassuring statement on the haters’ issue, she respected the boy even more and considered him as someone who she would go if she needed a piece of advice.

“Nah, don’t mention it on the first day of school, please,” she pouted sadly, thinking of the exams which felt closer than ever but still a little bit further at the same time. She always got goose bumps when she realised that it was her senior year. The last year with the class, the last year in high school and the last year with the boys. The last year with Jungkook.

“How about you? What’s up with you, guys?” she made an attempt to change the subject because she got nervous all of a sudden. However, the squad didn’t seem to mind her request and started sharing their stories about visiting relatives in Busan, trying out a new kimchi recipe, building a bird house, writing some poems which were published in a magazine or even making new choreographies. The golden maknae was characteristically quiet but proudly smiled at all his friends’ achievements.

Suddenly, someone cleared his throat and it turned out to be Jackson Wang who wanted to get to the entrance door but they were in the way. Of course, he teased them a bit as they bowed ashamedly and decided to continue chatting in the hallways but didn’t take the situation too seriously as he wasn’t that kind of guy. He even joined in and she soon found out that he was actually a quite talkative person.

“You guys are performing on the dance festival, right?” Jackson raised his eyebrows while looking mostly at Jungkook, Hoseok and Jimin. Miyeon knew that the three boys were at the same dance association, in the same team but never really saw them performing on a festival. She recalled the memories when the golden maknae let her watch some of their practices and made her even more speechless. That guy was exceptionally talented, small wonder why he wanted to be a dance teacher. He was a totally different person while dancing but she couldn’t mind it. He was charismatic, charming and undeniably sexy. Miyeon was surprised to see the change in his behaviour after coming up to her with his usual bunny smile and giving her a sweaty hug.

She shook her head to get away from the memory because now looking at him, it stung right at her heart. She had the chance to be her girlfriend but she was a coward and let him go. She didn’t deserve him but he still acted so affectionately!

“Yeah,” Hoseok responded with his joyful grin. “It’ll be our last performance, though. You know, before the exams,” he added with a little whimper and let out a weak sigh. Jungkook was staring far ahead, probably lost in thought and averted his eyes elsewhere but the others’ face.

“I can’t wait for it. I’m sure you’ll kill it!” Jackson threw his hands in the air in an excited manner which made the boys either bashfully smile or smugly grin.

“It would be hard to do better than you guys,” Jimin complimented immediately, making the blonde guy almost blush before he waved the idea away. Miyeon looked at them, totally confused and helplessly glanced at Jimin who was considerate enough to explain the whole situation. “Jackson and Jinyoung are also at the same association with us but in a different team. And these guys also have some killer moves, so we should practice harder in order not to get ashamed of our own performances.”

“Hmm,” that was all she could master, shifting her attention to the cheerfully giggling blonde one who she knew from school but never imagined that he would be capable of dancing. However, she believed Jimin and accepted the fact that he was pretty good.

“You know what?” Hoseok suddenly clapped his hands in excitement and made poor Kookie bounce in caution. Miyeon couldn’t suppress her chuckle, seeing the boy’s cute reaction. “If you have some free time, you can come and watch our performance. I’m sure you’ll have a great time,” he announced enthusiastically which immediately caused a huge combustion within the boys. They were all in favour of his idea and showed their approval of the plan, even Jackson assumed that she should come and see them. Miyeon listened to them, her heart thumping in bewilderment imagining the boys – and especially Jungkook – on stage, performing one of their incredible choreographies.

Nonetheless, she still cautiously waited for the golden maknae’s reaction who caught her staring at him and his lips slowly curved into a smile. His jet-black eyes were sparkling with beautiful blossoming flowers and shiny shooting stars. He nodded in agreement and although it was just a small sign, it was undeniably a small sign of love.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” she exclaimed happily, making a mental note to herself to remember not to make any plans for the 27th of August when the performance would take place. The boys shared all the details and she couldn’t help but smiled like an idiot. Was it a chance for her to make things right? Or it was just a friendly invitation?

Whatever the case might be, she was sure that she would do anything to attend that festival.

 ▌▌

 The following weeks flew by so quickly. She only realized that the dance festival’s day had come when she was staring at her figure in the mirror while trying out different outfits. As she was rummaging the clothes in her wardrobe, flashbacks and thoughts were scrambling in her head.

August was exceptionally quiet and peaceful as nothing extraordinary had happened. Her heart was finally at peace, knowing that her best friend made up with Baekhyun and was happier than ever. Plus, the squad slowly started acting just as naturally as they did before their break-up and it came as no surprise that they got along pretty well. She wouldn’t let herself believe that she deserves to be happy and surrounded by friends who would keep her company but they were good friends. Sometimes, they even accompanied her and Taeyeon at lunchtime, always making the other girl hysterically laugh who was getting used to the boys’ presence. Well, his boyfriend wasn’t happy about that but they spent pretty much every single second together, so lunchtime was only for the girls. And sometimes the squad’s, too but Taeyeon admitted that she didn’t mind having them around. She even acknowledged that it was impossible not to love them and suspiciously glanced at her, whenever Jungkook was around. She knew her well, so Miyeon didn’t even have to tell her everything; she had already become her relationship consultant.

“Ah, you two are so dense!” her best friend rolled her eyes in annoyance one time, after she saw her waving at the golden maknae’s direction who immediately gave her one of his cutest sheepish smiles. “You still love him and he obviously still loves you! I don’t see what the problem is!” she flung her arms in the air, childishly whining. Even though Taeyeon was in her shoes not too long ago, she acted like a real expert now. Miyeon just nudged her and let out a sorrowful sigh as she continued.

“I don’t want to hurt him, okay? I’ve already broken his heart once, I don’t want to cause more pain,” she nodded her head in great disapproval and tried to shift her attention to the floor of the school’s hallway and not her best friend’s face. She would easily read her and she didn’t want that. Both of them already knew that it hurt like hell to say things like that but this is how things worked for couples who broke up. They still carried their wounds and even if their own scars healed, they weren’t sure about the other party’s condition.

“And what’s with his confession?”

“What confession?” she blinked innocently, although there was one particular conversation which she couldn’t forget so easily. His words were still as soft as a fluffy blanket and covered her with their fondness and warmed her heart. She got goose bumps, every single time the flashback popped up in her mind and couldn’t shake off that hopeful thought that maybe, just maybe it might have meant something.

“Even stars lose their ways sometimes,” Taeyeon quoted with her sweet tone and it sounded so different this time. “So poetic, by the way.” she mumbled to herself, examining her nails, probably thinking how that Byun Baekhyun guy had never said such a thing.

“That was a long time ago,” she resisted, still trying to persuade herself that he probably didn’t mean it that way. It could have been a reassuring comment of a friend, he didn’t mention anything about love or ex-girlfriends.

“Alright, maybe,” she rolled her eyes in frustration and ran a hand through her blondish curls.  “But if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t invite you to the dance festival.”

“He didn’t invite me,” she added, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her right ear. She didn’t intend to be rude but wanted to make everything perfectly clear. Hoseok was the one who came up with the idea of her attending the festival and she was more than happy to give in. “One of his friends did.”

“But he didn’t protest,” Taeyeon pointed out and she knew that there was no point in disagreeing; she obviously lost the battle. She couldn’t deny that she was absolutely right. Jeon Jungkook wasn’t a toddler anymore; if he didn’t want her to be there, he would have said it. Yet, he didn’t.

Suddenly, there was a determinate knock on the door which made her bounce in surprise. As she was walking towards to open it, she made an attempt to snap out of her thoughts.

“Hey!” yelled Chanyeol with a joyful grin as she finally discovered who the owner of the knock was. “Have you seen my sketchbook? I literally can’t find it anywhere!” he tried to glance into her room and when she looked at her again, his eyes rounded and he let out a surprised squeal. “Oh, wow, where are you going? That dress isn’t something that you usually wear,” he commented, examining her from head to toe which made her blush so deep. He didn’t want to bump into her brother around the time of the festival because she didn’t want to explain the whole story. Why was she even going? Because her friends were there? Or it was all because of Jungkook? Well, she wasn’t even sure about her feelings, so she didn’t want to get tangled up in weird conversations.

“I’m going to a dance festival,” Miyeon answered after she had realised that there was no point in lying to him. His little brother just curiously raised his eyebrows in response and couldn’t suppress his teasing smile when he next started speaking.

“You’re going to see Jungkook, right?” he waggled his eyebrows and didn’t even budge when she slightly hit his shoulder, rather offended.

“I can wear dresses like that even if I don’t meet up with a boy,” she sniffed and gave him a frowning look. He couldn’t mope over her little act as he was having so much fun, seeing her Noona’s reaction out of defence. She was way too obvious.

“Hmm, I see what’s going on,” he rubbed his chin and acted like a total know-it-all. “He’s trying to get you back,” he cooed eagerly while twirling her around for a closer look. She was wearing a pretty, white dress with laces which was once a Christmas present from her granny but she never actually tried it on. Miyeon didn’t even think that there would be an occasion when she would wear it but this dress was the one that caught her attention while she was rummaging in her wardrobe.

“No!” she squealed huffily and shook her head in disagreement. From Chanyeol’s point of view, it was acceptable that he misunderstood the whole situation as he didn’t know that Hoseok was the one who invited her. He wasn’t the only one, though, who acted like that. Everyone seemed to misinterpret their case, even Taeyeon insisted that Jungkook wanted to get her back. Not like she would mind it but instead, she decided to wave the idea away. Why would he even do such a thing? “So, you say that it’s a bit too much?” she asked curiously, looking down at her dress and then up at his little brother. Oh, how she wished that she could wipe off that small smirk on his face.

“No, no, not at all,” he raised his arms in defeat and gave her an affectionate smile when he continued. “You look beautiful, Noona,” he stated in his usual, loving little brother tone and playfully ruffled her hair. His compliment made her heart leap and couldn’t even suppress the smile that crept onto her face. “Should I be worried?” he raised one of his eyebrows in question but her instincts told her that he didn’t even take his own question seriously. “Someone might attack you on the way to the dance festival, you know. Nowadays, there are several creepy freaks on the streets.”

“I can take care of myself,” she stated mildly and her confident response set him at ease. His shoulders loosened and his lips slowly raised into a grin. Miyeon suddenly pinched his cheeks, simply out of amusement but he didn’t seem to mind it. He just laughed at her while his warm, caramel-brown eyes formed happy, little crescents.

“Take care.”

“I will,” she nodded joyfully and waved at the boy who decided to go back to his own room.

Miyeon closed the door while her mind seemed to dwell on those sorrowful months when things were terrifyingly different. When Chanyeol wasn’t her lovely, little brother but almost a stranger who she couldn’t reach out to. Luckily, those weeks didn’t last forever as Baekhyun convinced Chanyeol that Dara was lying and Miyeon was right. He eavesdropped when Dara was once messing with her, blurting out that she didn’t even love the guy, she only needed him to hurt her. It was not until the weekend – the same weekend when Jungkook stayed in her house while Chanyeol was with his buddies – when the beagle line played “Truth or dare” that everything was revealed. After that, as soon as his little brother frantically got home, he bowed ashamedly and asked for her forgiveness. She was so startled that she couldn’t even say a thing. Instead, she let him embrace her while listening to his whispered sorrys.

That day changed everything and the two started acting like nothing had happened. After that weekend, Chanyeol even made a scene with Dara and told her off for lying. She didn’t see him being so furious for the time being but silently gloated at her victory. His brother’s movement resulted in the tranquillity of the following days and weeks. There was no more bullying, no more scoffing and no more rumours. Nothing.

Nonetheless, she wasn’t brave enough to consider making up with Jungkook. Not then, not when her scars hadn’t healed yet. But now, starting the new school year, boosting her self-esteem during the summer break, she knew that the time had come. She was pretty brave, or at least brave enough to give it a try.

 ▌▌

 Everyone was buzzing around the stage of the Big Hit Dance Studio’s Autumn Dance Festival which was held outdoors. She excitedly bounced as she arrived but started to dread the sight of the huge crowd and tried to peek over people’s shoulders. She was craving for a familiar face and pouted sadly when she realised that it was almost a dead case. There were so many people, she suddenly felt so small and elegantly dressed compared to the hip-hop lover spectators who wore shabby trousers and colourful T-shirts.

All of a sudden, she felt a slight pat on her shoulder and when she turned her heel, she saw a familiar face, standing right in front of her.

“Oh, Seokjin, thank God!” she let out a relieved sigh and her face slowly dissolved into a half-smile. The handsome guy looked puzzled for a moment, not knowing why she was so grateful that he showed up but then, he gave one of his cutest proud grins.

“I know, right? Every single day, I thank God for my handsomeness−“ he started smugly but was cut off by an excited scream.

“You came!” Taehyung exclaimed, slightly shoving the elder guy who rolled his eyes but not in annoyance. Soon, Namjoon and Yoongi showed up behind the childishly giggling Taehyung who insisted that he had noticed her from several hundred meters and ran to welcome her as soon as possible. The other two guys were walking in their usual pace but got there on time when they started discussing Miyeon’s dress.

“You look pretty.”

“You’re literally stunning,” Taehyung joined in after Seokjin’s compliment that both made her face turn scarlet-red. She wasn’t used to such nice words because she was either wearing her school uniform or a pair of trousers with a nice T-shirt. The boys rarely see her without the uniform, small wonder why they were so dumbfounded.

“I hope Jungkookie won’t faint when he sees you,” Namjoon added, his eyes hinting at his amusement. She felt her cheeks flushing and her heart beating in bewilderment. Although she forced herself not to think of it, she blushed deeply at the thought of Jungkook seeing her like that. A weird kind of confidence had taken hold of her as she was wearing the pretty, white dress, knowing that the guys approved of her outfit. On the contrary, she almost regretted opting for a dress over an aesthetic blouse with jeans because it was quite windy and she would definitely have to stand there for a few more hours. It was already the end of August, a lovely Saturday afternoon and the dance festival was perfect for that day but maybe not for her outfit.

“When will they perform?” Miyeon inquired, her chocolate-brown eyes shining with curiosity.

“They’ll be the last to perform,” Yoongi responded with a bored yawn and averted his eyes to the stage where staff members had already started fidgeting. She let out a frustrated whine because she was on the edge; she wanted to see the boys’ performance as soon as possible. But that was her luck. Of course, they would be the last.

“Ah, I feel you,” Taehyung caught her disappointed flinch and patted her shoulder sympathetically. “I’m so excited to see what they’re coming up with. And honestly, I can’t wait to tease them if they make a mistake,” he added, mischievously waggling his eyebrows. Namjoon gave him a frowning look, Seokjin mildly smiled at his childish threat and Yoongi shook his head like he knew him too well and was totally aware of the fact that he wouldn’t do so.

“May I have your attention, please?” a husky, confident voice filled the air which resulted in the audience’s excited buzzing. Miyeon turned around to face the stage where a middle-aged man held a microphone with a stern look displaying on his face. As he started talking again, it turned out that he was Bang Si Hyuk, the founder of the Big Hit Dance Studios.

After his greeting, the dance festival officially started. The next one hour was filled with constant surprises and gummy hustle-bustle. She saw several jaw-dropping performances and didn’t even make an attempt to hide her awe. The dancers’ moves were always on point, so precise yet so passionate. They were beautifully elegant and mysteriously attractive at the same time. Everyone was exceptionally talented but she couldn’t shake off that lingering feeling as she only wished to see one particular performance. Her heart always missed a beat whenever the MC announced who would come next and felt a bitter kind of disappointment when he didn’t say the guys’ names.

Luckily, although she could barely notice one or two familiar faces on the stage, Taehyung and Seokjin always mentioned who was giving a performance.

“That guy is a genius. His name is Kwon Soonyoung and he dances so well. He’s like the leader of their hip-hop group but the others are also pretty good.”

“NCT is already the girls’ favourite, even though it’s their second festival so far.”

“Now, that is a killer combination. A roundoff backhandspring! Yah, Jackson knows how to do a good show.”

They were constantly talking without a pause and she tried to remember the names and groups and feedbacks but got lost after a few. So instead, she decided to let them talk and a genuine but ‘I don’t even know what’s happening here’ smile was evident on her face. Taehyung was in the middle of giving a summary about Jongin’s dance skills when the MC appeared on stage and announced the festival’s last performance. Miyeon felt her cheekbones exploding and her heart thumping, beating like a drum. Pleasant kind of chills ran down her spine, giving every of her cells a huge overdose of excitement.

Suddenly, the stage went dark and the spotlight was only shining on one person: Park Jimin. He was in an impressive, white shirt and showed his contemporary side through soft and precise moves. The song was a beautiful, slow melody with piano instrumental, small wonder why she got goose bumps right away. It was so enjoyable to just look at him but she couldn’t deny that she wanted to see someone else. After Jimin dropped to the floor and got up again, Hoseok and Jungkook also walked onto the stage and a funky, playful jazz song started playing. It was Hoseok’s turn to show what he was capable of and gosh, that guy was totally amazing! He danced so naturally and moved while grinning from ear to ear. Then, as expected, Jungkook came next and she realised only then that he was wearing a white suit with a white shirt and a black tie. He looked so damn attractive, she was the one who nearly fainted. She eyed him top to bottom, examining him as he enjoyed his stage. Without doubt, he was a completely different person while dancing than in real life. Just like any other times when she peeked his practices, he was so manly, confident and totally immersed into the moves, ignoring everything else around him.

If she thought that the first part of their performance almost gave her a heart attack, she could voluntarily die during the next one. She immediately knew the familiar song because whose mother wasn’t into Shinhwa and chanted Perfect Man while cleaning up? But the three guys in those outfits and their cheeky moves took the song to a whole new level. The stage was on fire, the guys were dancing like professionals while the audience seemed to lose their minds; all girls around her were screaming so loudly, especially when Jimin got off his jacket. Maybe Jungkook should have done the same, Miyeon thought crossly but blushed deeply after realising what she had wished for. She couldn’t take her eyes off the boy but gulped innocently whenever he made an intimidating move. Not to mention those damn smirks! He wasn’t even aware of the fact that his damn smirks could do such odd things to the state of her heart; they weren’t only resulted in her crazily racing heartbeat but also gave her goose bumps. Oh boy, she was out of words. She unconsciously fell for him. Again.

As the performance came to an end and the boys bowed to each side of the audience, Miyeon joined the claps and the screams. She was so proud of them, they put on a wonderful show, she couldn’t even describe how brilliant they were. They didn’t even make a mistake, they were in perfect harmony and totally nailed the festival.

“Well, I didn’t expect less,” Yoongi cleared his throat beside her and his sudden confession made her bounce a little. She was so immersed into the dance and the combustion around it that she wasn’t prepared for starting a conversation.

“Ah, these kids can really dance,” Seokjin added vigorously and smiled like a proud daddy. His reactions were always fun to watch as he couldn’t hide his amazement and during the last two hours, his jaw dropped several times. He also shared with her that he gave up dancing after a few attempts, so he absolutely respected the guys for trying so hard to do their best. Maybe he wasn’t a good dancer but he was incredibly supportive; he was almost like their number fan. Seokjin was the one who brought his home-cooked meals to the boys after training sessions or bought them dinner.

“Guys, I’ve got the password!” announced Taehyung excitedly and looked up from his phone. Miyeon looked puzzled but Namjoon explained that they had to come up with a password to pass by the guards and go backstage to meet the boys.

“What is it this time?” Yoongi asked knitting his eyebrows in question and looked at the younger boy who grinned so proudly, it was almost guilty.

“Infires, man!” he answered smugly and the response was sudden. Everyone burst into laughter while she just slightly chuckled at the boys’ reaction. On their way to the backstage area, Seokjin was considerate enough to tell her the whole story about the saying ‘Infires, man!’. It was a tiny mistake that Yoongi made while doing an English listening task in class when he misheard the word inspires as infires but the boys were more than pleased with using it as a teasing.

Miyeon was laughing uncontrollably because after this flashback, Taehyung and Namjoon decided to have a fierce battle of sharing the most embarrassing story regarding the seven friends. They were in the middle of analysing the failure of Kim Seokjin’s beatbox lesson when an over-excited figure literally jumped in front of her.

“We were amazing, right?” Hoseok yelled, waggling his eyebrows and soon, his two dance partners showed up as well. They were all still sweating but changed into a more comfortable and natural outfit, Jungkook for example was wearing grey sweatpants with a white T-shirt and his favourite dark-blue jumper. Still, Miyeon felt like she could faint anytime soon.

“Yeah, of course, of course. I’m proud of you, guys!” Yoongi started the compliments which went on and on and she didn’t want to miss the opportunity to congratulate the guys on such a sensational performance, so she also accentuated her opinion.

“You were amazing! No doubt that you were the best of all the participants. You were unique and brilliant and your moves were always on point. It would have been a shame if I had missed it. So, thank you so much for inviting me, it was the greatest dance festival which I’ve ever attended.”

“Thank you for coming!” Jimin grinned seeing the girl’s enthusiastic chattering but she wasn’t in the mood for holding herself back. There were so many emotions rushing through her body and so many thoughts on her mind that she just wanted to share them as soon as possible. “You look lovely, by the way.”

“Yeah, I agree. You are undeniably the highlight of the festival,” Hoseok ran a hand through his obsidian-black, slightly sweaty hair and gave her a big, bright smile. Miyeon wasn’t good at getting compliments and immediately blushed in embarrassment. The guys also noticed the change in her behaviour but nudged Jungkook to say something to her. As far as he was concerned, he looked so dumbfounded, his lips slightly parted and he stared at her for a few seconds. His jet-black eyes were playing tricky little games with her vision; once she saw them shining with insecurity and other times she thought that they were just cute, little clouds hovering on the mackerel sky; so pure, innocent and calm.

“Uhmm, well, thanks,” he cleared his throat, obviously responding to her fangirling and that made her slightly disappointed. She was a girl, she was craving for the boy’s compliment who she had a crush on and when she didn’t get what she had expected, she couldn’t help but huffed lightly.

“Oh, come on! You dance like that on stage and still can’t say some nice words to a girl?” Hoseok whined in a high-pitched tone and gave him a ‘Don’t you dare to do this with me’ look. Seokjin patted the energetic guy’s shoulder and clapped his hands to make sure others shift their attentions to him.

“Don’t embarrass him, Hobie,” he warned the dancer, knitting his eyebrows but when he next continued, he was affectionate and proper just as expected from Kim Seokjin. “We have more important things to do. Get your stuff and we’ll go a restaurant to celebrate your amazing performance! The bill’s on me, guys!” he promised while a kind smile was forming on his lips. The boys started cheering almost wildly and it didn’t even take too long to get all the seven guys together to head to their favourite restaurant. Miyeon was also invited to the celebratory dinner but she was quite reluctant at first. She only gave in when Jungkook stated that she can’t miss it and gave an attractive smirk directed at her.

 ▌▌

 They ended up having dinner in a cosy, little restaurant which she had never been before but the boys insisted that they should go there as it was their favourite place to eat. As soon as they arrived, the squad swiftly sat down around a random table, so in the end, she had no other option than to plunk herself down beside the one and only Jeon Jungkook. She was aware of the fact that it wasn’t fate, it was obviously on purpose; the guys were definitely up to something.

Luckily, waiting for their food to arrive wasn’t boring at all. What is more, Miyeon laughed so much that she had already forgotten that she was as hungry as a wolf. The seven boys didn’t intend to stop broaching more hilarious and more remarkable moments of their friendship and the more stories she heard, the more she realised that they were such adorable human beings. They were lovely even one by one but when they were together and casually enjoyed themselves, it was the best. She felt a pleasant kind of warmth hanging around her the whole time; it seemed that the boys’ joy and high spirits were so gummy that she also couldn’t stop smiling. She wanted to get lost in that feeling, she wanted it to last forever.

Being with the boys made her realise how much she had missed these moments: the fun conversations, the loud laughs, the little bickering and the cheerful giggling. Her anxiousness which she felt in the beginning flew away so quickly, thanks to the squad’s amicable attitude. Not to mention that they were such gentlemen; when she pulled out her wallet to pay back the money which Seokjin paid for the food, he shook his head violently.

“No, no, no, no!” he emphasised every single ‘no’, it was almost like an overreacted feedback of a restless fangirl. “Do I look like someone who would make you pay for the food? Oh no, Miyeon-ah, I’m not that kind of guy.”

“No, he’s not that kind of guy,” Taehyung imitated Seokjin’s reaction which lead to another round of laughter. Even the latter guy slightly chuckled and ruffled the younger one’s hair in amusement.

“Just let him pay it!” Namjoon motioned with a dimpled smile. “Or else, we’ll have to listen to his whining all weekend!”

“Okay. Thank you for the food, then!” she gave in, putting her wallet back into her bag. Seokjin let out a relieved sigh and finally paid the bill, a total amount of 78.000₩.

„That’s a lot of money.”

„Well, kids eat a lot,” the mommy figure elucidated naturally but the others weren’t safely out of hearing range, so they heard it, too. Yoongi simply suppressed another yawn, Namjoon nodded in agreement, Hoseok grinned brightly as always but the maknae line was actually kind of offended. Jimin sulked over it by wrinkling his nose, Taehyung let out a grumble while Jungkook knitted his eyebrows. Surprisingly, the golden maknae was the one who wanted to point out that they were just few months younger than the eldest guy.

“We’re not kids, you know.”

“Say it when you finally turn 19!” Hoseok guffawed amusingly and pinched his cheeks just like a grandma would do to his grandson. Miyeon laughed at Jungkook’s reaction who caught sight of the giggling girl and a dangerous smirk started to creep onto his face.

“You’re also underage!” he blurted out childishly and she felt a need to whine but instead she just stuck her tongue out at him. No doubt that he was right as they both had their birthday on the same day, so they were both still 18. But 1st of September wasn’t that far away. To be precise, it was only 4 days away.

“Come to think of it, how will you spend your birthday?” Namjoon inquired while curiosity filled his eyes. He directly looked at her, so it was obvious that the question was for her. Still, she pondered over the thought before she finally said it out loud.

“Nothing really special. Maybe a birthday cake but nothing more extraordinary,” she shrugged absent-mindedly because she had no intention of celebrating it in any special way. Her birthday would be on Thursday when both Chanyeol and Taeyeon had after school activities and she also had to attend her CSAT preparation classes. On top of that, her parents usually worked until late at night, so this birthday didn’t seem to be so interesting. At least, not as interesting as the last one.

“Well, we’re celebrating Jungkook’s birthday on the 4th if you would like to join,” Jimin said, rather smugly that he was the first one who came up with the idea. She couldn’t deny that the invitation piqued her curiosity but she still wasn’t sure whether it would be a good idea to spend more time with Jungkook or actually a terrible one.

“I’ll think about it,” she finally mustered while her eyes were glued to the golden maknae. He didn’t show any sign of relief, so she knew it would be the best to suppress the intense beating of her heart which almost seemed like a passionate composition.

Soon enough, the boys had to go home as parents’ concerned phone calls occurred one after another and Miyeon also knew that it was time for her to go. Although she was having so much fun and literally had the best time of her life, she bid her goodbye and headed home.

She started roaming alone, dwelling on flashbacks of those good old days when she didn’t even spend a day without seeing these seven guys. The bittersweet nostalgia consumed her and she couldn’t prevent the painful melancholia from engulfing her thoughts. She tried to snap out of it by shifting her attention to the scenery around her but it didn’t help at all; it rather made her feel agitated. The city was picturesque and its lively streets were swimming in the tangerine waterfall which was created by the beautiful sunset. Memories of Jungkook and her watching sunsets popped up in her head and the sudden rush of loneliness slightly broke her heart.

After marching towards for a few minutes, she heard hasty footsteps from behind and a tall, slim figure suddenly caught up with her.

“Do you mind if I come with you?” Jungkook asked with a shaky voice and started walking beside her, still kind of short of breath. It looked like he was running until he saw her and this observation triggered getting nervous butterflies in her stomach.

“No, not at all” she shook her head decisively. “Are you at your dad’s this weekend?” she asked out of curiosity because his dad’s house was the one which was close to hers but immediately wanted to bite her tongue. She realised how painful this question might have been for the boy and mentally gave herself a good slap for acting like a total idiot. Luckily, Jungkook didn’t get offended and just nodded in agreement.

The next 15 minutes were spent in comfortable silence which neither of them wanted to break. Maybe for a period of time, it could have been exceptionally awkward but that day changed something. The border between them seemed to shatter after that particular day in March when Jungkook got beaten up and spent the evening in her house. They didn’t stammer anymore when they bumped into each other or had to do a pair work in class.

Nonetheless, they didn’t even get closer. Miyeon didn’t exactly know why. She wasn’t sure about her feelings, not to mention the golden maknae’s intentions as he didn’t say anything offensive but neither anything that would give her hope. Yet, false hope was the cruellest of all kind of cherished feelings; it was poisonous, believing in something for so long and didn’t get it in the end. She wanted to prevent herself from that painful disillusion. Which also meant that she had to force herself not to fall in love with him again. But it was already too late now; her border was totally ravaged.

Walking the same path as they used to do after such a long time was a new kind of experience. It was weird, refreshing and somehow reassuring at the same time.

“Oh, look!” she suddenly exclaimed, noticing the Banpo Bridge which was illuminated by hundreds of lights and she immediately walked faster to get closer to the bridge fountain, which citizens commonly called as the Rainbow Fountain. “I guess we’re just on time to see the show!” she bounced happily and stopped at the barrier to enjoy the colourful water show which was taking place in front of her.

It was weird to think of it that this was the bridge which they crossed when they celebrated their birthday together. Small wonder why Jamsu Bridge – and Banpo Bridge which was on top of it - had a special place in her heart and she felt that she had a strong connection with this place. It wasn’t just her favourite sight but also a lot of Koreans and tourists liked it. It was the world’s longest bridge fountain and held wonderful fountain shows several times a day when dancing, rainbow-coloured jets of water could be seen in the air in synchronization with the music. It was breath-taking and she couldn’t get sick of it, even though she had seen it several times before.

“Despite the fact that I see this show almost every day, I’m still amazed. It’s so beautiful!” she trailed off with her mouth agape and couldn’t take her eyes off the view. Jungkook also said something but he muttered so quietly that she couldn’t understand it. Miyeon shifted her attention to him and gently asked him to repeat what he had said.

“You’re beautiful, too,” he merely blurted out and the dimples deepened with his cute bunny smile. She had to look away not to look ridiculous because she was sure that she was blushing deeply. Well, maybe it was more sincere and heart-warming than if he had said it in front of the other boys and in all that noise and combustion during the dance festival. All that disappointment and bitterness vanished from before as if she hadn’t even felt it at all.

“Thanks,” that was all she could muster after a pause that lasted longer than she intended. She gave him a bashful smile and they were gazing at each other for God knows how long. She was lost in his beautiful jet-black eyes which had that adorable, prominent glint. The black and white completed each other so well that they resembled little dominos. Not to mention that his stare was almost like a cage; it locked her every single time their eyes met. Jungkook was dangerous and addictive but the best of all kinds of wrong.

“So, this was your last time when you danced before the exams?” Miyeon cleared her throat and tried to pacify her thumping heart and scrambling thoughts.

“Yeah,” the golden maknae nodded and a sheepish smile was forming on his lips. “I have CSAT preparation classes and I think it’ll be too much to attend both of them. I want to do my best on the exams, so until we’re finished with them, there would be no more dance practises, nor performances,” he continued and it was an uncharacteristically long answer from him. The enthusiasm in his voice didn’t go unnoticed and his eyes were shining with undeniable passion. She loved this side of Jungkook, so much that it almost hurt. He was so immersed into talking about dancing that you could see the slight twinkles in his eyes. Maybe she was in love with him just as much as he was in love with dance.

“I’m pretty sure you’ll secretly dance in your room, though.”

“How did you know that?” he chuckled and looked rather amused. It was so good to see him like that, it melted her confused heart. “Yeah, probably. You know me well,” he admitted while forcefully grasping the barrier. His eyes were staring far ahead and he looked totally amazed by the fountain show. Nonetheless, she could read him pretty well and knew that he wasn’t thinking about the beauty of those water-jets but something completely different like the time they had spent together.

She exactly knew that feeling; that insecurity and fear which was triggered by the joyful memories. That kind of fragility was something she wasn’t afraid of when she was a kid. But as years went by and she grew older, she understood why the elderly had that bitter expression every time they were prattling about a fond memory. She had been through it all: getting hurt and hurting others; falling down and keep running again; trying to break down someone’s wall but building up her own and loving someone and making them hate her. She had been through a lot since she met Jungkook but she was so thankful for him. Immature as she was, she couldn’t consider herself an adult even a year ago but he changed her. He taught her how to chase her dreams no matter what, ignore others’ expectations but her own and he also taught her about love. He was definitely a chapter of her book, a very decisive one.

“But even though we know each other well, I still don’t know your answer,” he stated out of the blue and finally turned to face her. He slightly raised one of his eyebrows in question while she merely looked at him, totally dumbfounded.

“What answer?”

“Your answer concerning whether you still like me or not,” he said right away and gazed at her, not letting Miyeon avert her eyes elsewhere but his face. It would have been an understatement to say that she was shocked because she was at the verge of fainting. She was extremely devastated, didn’t even know whether to drop her jaw, hug Jungkook tightly or run away from him. Even her heart decided against her will and started to thump like a ticking time-bomb which would explode any minute. She didn’t even think that he remembered for that night just as vividly as her, not to mention the fact the she left his question unanswered.

Miyeon blinked a few and coyly tucked a loose strand of hair behind her right ear. As she noticed the desperate anticipation in his eyes, she knew it was now or never. She had to tell him the truth unless she didn’t want to live her life miserably thinking about those what ifs. So, she cleared her throat and let out a faint, fragile sigh before she started speaking.

“I-I do,” she mumbled nervously and continued before he even had the chance to take a breath. “But I wasn’t prepared for all the attention we got. You know, there was nothing wrong with the fact that people recognized us but how they used my little brother to hurt me was beyond my imagination. It was bearable until they only hurt me but when they hurt him, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I thought that I could end all this if I break up with you−“

“Do you regret it?” Jungkook cut her off but it wasn’t even a bit irritating, instead she felt a rush of relief running through her body. Now, she felt like she could breathe again. Keeping secrets and never telling him the truth was undeniably poisonous, she sometimes felt a need to make sure she wouldn’t suffocate from all those nasty words.

“I assume that Chanyeol would have found out the truth sooner or later even if I don’t break up with you, so yes, I regret it now. But then, I thought that it was the best thing to do.”

“I know,” he said solemnly, nodding a bit as a sign of sympathy which set her at ease. Gosh, she was so afraid to talk to him again and not only did they talk for so long now but they also had an in-depth conversation, trying to elucidate their actions and finally make things right. “Your brother told me about it.”

“He did?” her eyes widened in surprise since Chanyeol had never pointed out that he had talked with Jungkook regarding the Dara case. Miyeon was pretty pleased with his greatly wrathful fight with his ex-girlfriend, she would have never thought that he also did such a thing.

“Yeah, a couple of days after he told Dara off. He thought that I deserved it because he was one of the reasons why you broke up with me.”

“So, you knew it all along?” she puzzled up the words the boy had said but still didn’t want to believe it. It didn’t make any sense. If he knew about it, why would he never say a thing to her? It was her initial intention to hide the truth from him as she didn’t want Jungkook to feel even worse, after realising that she had enough when Chanyeol got involved in their story. It was easier to say that it was because of all those nasty gossip and heartless bullying. Well, it was partly why she broke up with him but she got utterly pissed off when they hurt his little brother. It was alright until she was the only one who got hurt but she couldn’t let them hurt his brother. In the end, it seemed that nobody could survive the battle without wounds; Chanyeol, Miyeon and Jungkook all had to suffer the consequences of her action. Nonetheless, as time went by, their scars started to heal and the hideous pain was bearable, or they were merely accustomed to it.

“I knew. But I thought that I’m selfish if I want to hold onto you since I hurt you so much,” Jungkook admitted and his voice came out horse and extremely painful. He ashamedly looked away but she caught him nibbling his lips. She almost wanted to protest that it wasn’t true, he couldn’t blame himself for what had happened but he seemed impatient to wait for her answer and continued speaking.

“I needed you. Maybe more than you needed me. I needed someone who can accept my family background. Who I can talk to about nothing and everything. I never once intended to give you pain,” Jungkook whispered and his grievous words sounded like a pleading pray.

Miyeon’s heart immediately sunk after his confession and her whole body trembled in great shock. She was still in the abyss of his words, both lost in their shared memories and comprehending the present actions. She was examining Jungkook as he was standing beside her, digging his nails into his palms, the genial wind ruffling his hair and his whole presence displaying innocent purity and aching solace. He was so fragile; she was afraid that if she touches him or even says a single word, he may disappear.

“I know, Jungkook,” she said after a few seconds of silence. “I know. It wasn’t you. It was Dara, Bobby and all those horrible people that are jealous of others who are doing well. For some reason, they can’t stand it,” Miyeon insisted vigorously, suddenly feeling like a soldier who was ready to fight. But it was all past now, she was aware of that. She couldn’t change it, she couldn’t turn back time but she couldn’t control her aching heart either. There was only one thing she could do.

“I’m sorry that it had to be like this. You didn’t deserve it,” she shook her head, lips quivering, feeling nervous all of the sudden but all her words were sincere and affectionate. It was true and she couldn’t deny it; the one thing that hold her back from getting together with Jungkook was the shame. The shame that consumed her because she had caused so much pain and let him endure it all alone while she tried to make things right with Chanyeol. It wasn’t fair and she couldn’t help but dread his anger.

However, instead of shouting at her or leaving without answers, he merely said:

“I’m sorry that you had to get through all this,” he finally looked at her, so she faced a state-of-the-art boy whose eyes were filled with dismay and regret. The black and white in those little holes were the perfect representation of the yin yang symbol. They interconnected so well but one couldn’t exist without the other. Like light and dark or fire and water, Jungkook was also the description of duality, not just his beautiful jet-black eyes. All his little things were individually precious but added up the whole and made him even more vulnerable. Miyeon loved all of his sides, even the insecure, anxious dark side with the joyful white part and the pure, innocent white side with the inevitable darkness.

“We’re restless fighters, aren’t we?” she pointed out and a hopeful smile was evident on her face. She couldn’t bear the sight of the agitated boy, so she decided to clear the tension in the air. She even slightly nudged his shoulder which triggered his face slowly dissolving into a sheepish smile. Gosh, his smile was beyond words. “Actually, I’ve learned a lot from it. If we could turn back time, I would definitely give us another try. I believe I can handle things better and even tell them to go to hell if I get sick of their teasing,” she chattered, almost joyfully and her bold statement made his jaw drop.

“Wow! I’ve never thought I would hear such things from you,” he ran his hand through his coal-black hair while a childish giggle escaped his mouth. She let herself chuckle with him and for the first time that time, she felt weightless. It was that kind of feeling which made you feel like a butterfly that could finally fly away from its cage, far away from its problems, doubts and worries.

Yet, Jungkook’s face suddenly stiffened, so she hoped for the best and prepared for the worst. The question still made her heart leap.

“But if we didn’t turn back time, just try it out right now, would you say the same?” he asked recklessly and his eyes were pleading. Now, they were standing face-to-face, illuminated by the lights from the colourful lights of the show and gazing at each other, the closest that they happened to be in the last few months. She had to remind herself to breath because she was utterly nervous. Of course, she would, she wanted to shout, hug him while saying how much she had missed him, his voice, his lullabies, his touch, his vanilla and cinnamon scent, his beautiful eyes and those damn smirks. Gosh, how much she had missed him.

Though, she had to hold herself back and she finally opt for the most sensible option: the honest answer without showing any affection. Then, if he approved of her decision, she could hug him as much as she wanted.

“Yes, I would say the same,” she nodded decisively and the boy’s shoulders immediately loosened. He let out a heavy sigh and looked up at her, one of his typical smirks forming on his lips.

“Good. Because that’s what I was thinking, too,” he added, rather proudly and they smiled at each other, immersed into each other’s beautiful eyes and this new kind of feeling was starting to fill them up. She realised that she couldn’t hold it back anymore, so she walked up to him and hugged him tightly. Jungkook let out a chuckle as he embraced her and it felt just so perfectly right. She rested her chin on the crook of his neck while he patted her shoulder, slightly reluctantly and nervously but definitely affectionately.

“But don’t you dare to give me one of those damn smirks like you did during your performance!” she warned him, withdrawing for a few seconds to look up at him and facing a smugly smirking Jungkook. Oh boy, he was starting it again!

“Like this?” he asked as he challengingly wiggled his eyebrows and gave her the most attractive smirk ever. She blushed a bit but pinched his cheek which she knew he didn’t like. Unfortunately, Jungkook also remembered that she was extremely ticklish, so he didn’t miss the opportunity to get his revenge. She was screaming while trying to run away from him but it was a hopeless case; he was way too fast. He was tickling her while she protested that he should stop but he couldn’t take it serious. Honestly, Miyeon didn’t mind it either.

Maybe they needed those months to make them realise how much they missed and loved each other. But it was perfect this way; they grew to become a better person and learned how to stand out for themselves while they were apart. When they finally got together, they learned how to love again.

It was just right. It was all alright.

But those damn smirks were not. She had to do something about it, she made a mental note as she made an attempt to escape from his embrace. Fortunately, her attempt was a total failure.

■ ◄◄

[ryuuichinaruhodo]

My limiting factors

So this Christmas we did secret santa, I got the book Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. I've been listening to him for a little while now through podcasts on YouTube or his short videos on Instagram.

The first challenge of the book is to identify your bad hand, traumas, things that are holding you back. Even if it's a life that's comfortable preventing you from ever seeking more. Or maybe it's yourself stopping you in your tracks. Could be a combination.

David Goggins spoke about his traumatic childhood, where he lived on paradise road with the devil: his father. His father would beat the shit out of him, his brother and his mom. They would have to work in his skate rink and sleep on a couch which housed a gun underneath. This same couch is where his father would be getting it on with prostitutes while his mother watched. Having a childhood like that his learning capabilities at school suffered, having to work late nights he could barely concentrate and had a tendency to fall asleep in class. Eventually he got away, his mother and himself had to do whatever they could to survive on $123 a month. School was rough for him, he felt insecure having to play catch up with a learning disability and the teacher never gave him a chance. It was keep up or get out. Developing a stutter overnight.

So what are my excuses? What is my story? Well you could say I live a very comfortable life now, but I don't have a job, any aspirations, no girlfriend, no direction. I feel socially and emotionally awkward, I have a tendency to lash out from frustration. Things seem overwhelming or difficult to take in. I've always thought of myself as very average, probably because of years of being compared to others. I don't have a huge circle of friends, I had very few in my childhood. Why though?

When I was younger my mother and father would often have full blown arguments. Usually about money, whether it be hiding the money or my father not admitting he had gambled it all away. Being in the same room in that kind of environment as a child you kind of just build a shell around yourself to not get hurt too much. I would often get disciplined or smacked for wanting to go play with friends. I yearned to play with friends but was not allowed. At some point I had no friends. In this instance I had developed social anxiety. I would often be compared by size, intellect, ability at sports and behaviour to other children.

My mother owns a shop, still going to this day and she at one time tried to bribe my classmates to be friends with sweets. That's how bad it was. I was lonely, wanting to express myself but not able to because I was held back. The headteacher at my school would often criticize me for my handwriting, which many people to this day says it's garbage. The issue was going to Chinese school you often have to write in big squares to write the characters. Now transfer that into writing English. I would write the same way, big letters. I've always been bad at writing, English is my weakest subject after all.

So yeah my self confidence tanked. I still don't feel very confident but it's getting better. I fear doing something new and I also have a tendency to not be very committed at doing things. However the one thing I could always be committed to doing was playing video games. In video games you're always the hero of the story, friends would flock to you no matter what, be it out of friendship or circumstance and you would only have to focus on what you're doing in the game instead of worrying about what happens elsewhere.

With a combination of video games and no interaction with other children, I became skilled at not talking. Not developing my speech or my voice. I mean who's gonna listen to me anyway? I've always felt that way even now. No one really values what I said back then, I was tiny, my voice was tiny, my presence was miniscule. After that ordeal people say I have anger issues. Well reading what you've read it's easy to see why I do. Frustration from no one listening to you, frustration from parents arguing constantly, frustration because I had no friends, the only vent I had for these frustrations was cutting down monsters in RPGs.

Well I guess I lied a little, I did have one friend. That was Peter and what we had in common was gaming so that's what we did. If it wasn't for him my mind would have broke for sure.

I've never studied or was taught how to study properly. All the studying I ever did was doing homework. But that was enough to let me pass and get by. I got straight 4s in SATs. An average result across the board.

Sometime after I entered secondary school, my mother and father split. I was told it was due to my father gambling too much money away and not able to stop himself from doing so. But later, a lot later maybe when I started going college I was told the truth. So for all those years I was lied to.

My father is gay. He never wanted to be in a relationship with my mother. He never found her attractive. The only reason he was with her was to keep up appearances. He had been seeing other Men the entire time and also spending heaps of money on them. After my older brother kicked him out the house at age 22. My father told lies about how bad my mother was. My mother and brother could only stay quiet, no one would listen to them anyway. My father is a very skilled liar, he's able to twist the story in such a way that he can never be wrong.

In secondary school I was the subject of bullying. I was an Asian minority with most of the students being black. There would often being 4,5,6 maybe more black boys circling around me or cornering me in the bathroom spouting out racial slurs or picking on me for my height, the way I looked etc. You know the deal. At one point I did get into a bit of a fight. There was a big boys bathroom and the light switch so happened to be outside. So whenever I went to take a piss, the lights would go off. It would be pitch black, maybe a sliver of light. I had to work my way towards the door every time I wanted to go to the toilet.

I had maybe 1-2 people I hanged out with, also Asian. My secondary you can consider a prison, there was no where to run. Even teachers would pick on me for the coat I wore even going so far as to phone my parents about it. There were cameras everywhere, the big brother school they used to call it.

At some point, I had enough of school. The lot of it, it felt like such a waste of time. Tasks or units that I had completed in class, the teacher would say I hadn't finished. I didn't add a single line to that project and I still got an A for it. French was an abomination, all you ever did was do word searches. How could you call that learning? I never felt like I learnt anything in art class. To be honest if there was no teacher I would still have produced the same.

The only subjects that appealed to me were maths and the sciences, at least you had practical things to do and they were memorable.

Sometime during the last year of secondary I had randomly gone to my cousin's house. There my cousin's had told me they had a relative in the same school. Her name was Sarah...

[girl-next-door-writes]

Shape Of You

Characters: Bucky x Reader

Summary: Bucky struggles to reconcile his new self with his old self, his left arm a stark reminder of just how ugly and twisted he truly is.  How can someone accept you when you don’t even accept yourself?  

Word Count:  2347 words

Prompt: Shape of You – Ed Sheeran

A/N: This is for my 800 followers celebration as requested by the delightful @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester who knows how much I love a bit of Ed Sheeran.

Boys night had kinda turned into a monthly standing arrangement and as Buck sat crammed into a booth with Steve, Sam and Scott he was kinda glad they had opted for this bar rather than a club.  No matter how often they went out and how many different clubs Sam dragged them into, he found them all far too loud, too dark, disorienting. That was okay if all you wanted was a one night stand, hell those places were practically a cattle market, but he wasn’t the confident guy he once was.  Clenching his metal fist he was reminded about just how much he had changed and although rippling muscles had a certain charm to some women he was also scarred and mechanical.  When he had considered taking that step with anyone the image of them screaming as soon as he took off his shirt was like a bucket of ice water and he quickly excused himself.  

“Shots, shots, shots.” Chorused Scott as he arrived with a tray of neon coloured drinks and a huge grin.  

“You know alcohol doesn’t affect me and Buck right?” Steve chuckled picking up a green one and eyeing it curiously.  

Several rounds of shots and even more beers later, Bucky was watching with amusement as Scott leaned against Sam, both propping up the other as they had attempted to match Steve drink for drink.  

“So, this is what happens on your boys nights.” A familiar voice had him turning and his heart stuttered as he saw you leaning against the table with a smirk on that beautiful face of yours.

“And to think, you were worried about us having girls night Steve.” Nat appeared behind you, arms folded across her chest and an eyebrow raised as she took in the state of her friends.  

“Come on Buck, shift up. Or do I have to sit in your lap?” you tilted your head, a flirtatious edge to your voice that had him sliding out of the booth and offering you his seat, his hair falling over his face as he attempted to hide the flush to his cheeks.  You scooted up to Steve and patted the bench, indicating there was plenty of room for all three of you.  “Tell me what woman wouldn’t want to be the filling in a super soldier sandwich?” you teased and Steve ruffled your hair as he chuckled.

“I’m sure Sharon might have something to say about sharing.” He smirked and you rolled your eyes.

“Guess that means you’ve got me all to yourself Barnes.” Your hand came to rest on his metal arm and he flinched a little before he could stop himself. You notice the reaction but don’t draw attention to it, simply ran your fingertips over his arm, lazily tracing small circles.  

Conversation flowed easily and it wasn’t long before you and Bucky were locked in a private interaction and he found himself relaxing more and more in your presence.  He found it hard to open up to people, was still so wary of everyone, and his therapist had suggested that he give his team mates a chance and he had, for the most part.  Bucky had wanted to strike up a conversation with you so many times but as soon as he was around you his nerves and anxiety kicked in.  You were always sweet, bordering on flirty with him and sitting here in the bar talking about everything and nothing he felt like his old self.  That was until he caught a glimpse of metal from the corner of his eye and was reminded that he was definitely in no way his old self.  

You sensed him grow quiet and wondered if you should ask him about it when a song from the jukebox kicked in causing your face to light up. “Oh man! I love this song! Come dance with me.” Your eyes met Bucky’s and you realised that had kinda come out more of a demand than a request.  He nodded before his brain had chance to list the billion reasons that dancing with you was a bad idea and eased out of the booth.  Holding his hand out to you with a shy smile you took it and led him to the tiny dance floor.  

“About bloody time.” Nat smirked as she watched you go.

“Hey, this isn’t easy for him.” Steve defended, his mouth fighting a grin as he saw you placing Bucky’s hands on your waist.

“I think she’s been patient enough though Rogers.  Not many girls would have hung around waiting so long.”

“That’s why they will work.” He clinked his bottle against hers and they nodded at each other before turning back to see how you guys were doing.

 “I know it’s like decades since you danced but seriously, it’s not changed all that much.  Just follow my lead.” You suggested, reaching up and placing your hands on his shoulders. Bucky’s entire body tensed as he felt your touch at the point where his flesh met metal and a flash of panic shot through his eyes.  Things were going well, better than well really, but then what?  You were pressed up against him and having you so close was intoxicating but it’s not like he could give into his feelings.  He could lean down and kiss you, a kiss which would lead to you both rushing back home, making out in the taxi on the way, heading up to your bedroom, fumbling with each other’s clothes and then… the look of horror on your face when you saw just how mutilated he truly was.  He knew you wouldn’t scream but you would pity him. Yeah, he knew how this was going to go and… Your lips were on his and before he could really register it, before he could stop himself he was kissing you back.  Your fingers were tangled in his hair as he pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arms around you, his right hand coming to rest on your ass as his tongue slipped into your mouth.  

When he did break the kiss, both of you practically panting for breath, he rested his forehead against yours and scrunched his eyes closed, letting out a sigh.  The kiss had felt so right but his fear about what he was certain would happen was so strong. As if sensing his self-doubt, you brought your hand up to caress his cheek.  “Hey, we can take this glacial slow.  I like you James, and I think this is worth seeing through.” His eyes opened and searched yours for a moment as a soft smile graced that beautiful face of his.

“Me too.” He whispered and kissed the tip of your nose.

 One week later and you were standing in front of the mirror in your room checking over your outfit as the several other options lay strewn over your bed.  This was your official first date with Bucky and you wanted to impress him.  True you were just heading to the local all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet but the venue wasn’t what was important to you.  No, you were just happy to be spending some one to one time with your boy.  There was a knock at your door and you smoothed down your dress and checked yourself one last time before you answered it.  

“Wow.  You look…” he trailed off as his eyes ran up and down your form causing you to giggle nervously.

“You scrub up nice too Barnes.” You tucked your arm through his and let him lead you to the elevator.  

 Sitting in the restaurant Bucky watched you in amused puzzlement as you surreptitiously emptied your plate of noodles into a plastic container and slipped it into your bag.  Looking up at him you shrugged. “What?”

“Nothing doll, I just wish I’d brought my backpack then we’d get twice as much.” He raised an eyebrow and chuckled.

“So, okay, there’s this homeless guy who sleeps on the bench a few blocks down and whenever I come here I make sure I get him a little something. He’s a vet.  He risked his life for this country and now he sleeps on a bench. I just… He doesn’t accept much help from anyone but I know he has a weakness for noodles.”  Taking care not to knock your bag over you placed it under the table and shot Bucky a curious look as he gazed at you with an unfamiliar expression. “What?”

“Damn doll.  How did I get so lucky to be sitting here with you?”  

 Hours passed as you talked about everything and nothing from family to how irritating Tony was.  You laughed and teared up at some stories and before you realised it the staff were clearing things away and dropping hints that they wanted to close. After dropping the noodles off on your walk back home you tucked yourself under Bucky’s arm and he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the side of your head.  It seemed like you anticipated his every move.  When he thought about holding your hand or wrapping an arm around you his brain would begin to go into overdrive and before it could begin to talk him out of the action you had already instinctively taken charge.

 It was this instinct that found you in his room a few weeks later. Lay on his bed, your limbs tangled and your breathing rapid as your make out session turned even more heated. Your fingers pulled at the hem of his shirt and his hand clamped down around your wrist as he shot back from you as if he’d received an electric shock.  “Hey, hey.” You said softly as he looked at you wild eyed in panic. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to okay?  I’m happy to take this at your pace Buck.”

“What if I’m never okay?” His icy eyes pleaded with you for an answer for a moment before he turned away, sitting on the end of the bed with his back to you.  Crawling to sit behind him you wrap your arms around his waist and rest your head against his back.  

“Whatever it is Bucky, if you want to talk about it then I am right here for you.  You, James Buchannan Barnes, are enough for me.”

“I’m so broken.  I don’t even think I can be fixed.  Too many scars.”  He placed his head in his hands and you lifted your hands to rub his shoulders only to feel him flinch when your fingers touched his left shoulder.  As if a light had gone on in your head you scrambled off the bed and stood in front of him.  Bucky felt the movement and expected you to be walking out of his room so he was surprised when your fingers ran through his hair causing him to look up at you.  Taking the hem of your shirt in your hands you peeled the material up over your head and tossed it onto the floor.  His eyes widened as they ran over your perfect body and he knew there was no way he could be naked with you.  

“You see this?” he looked to where your finger pointed on your right side.  “This is the scar I got when Clint ‘accidentally’ grazed me with an arrow.  And this one…”  he saw an angry red scar just under your left breast, “…this one was from a shard of glass that Tony had to pull out after we got thrown through one of those massive windows he used to have in his lab when his pet project exploded.  This one,” you turned slightly and saw a crescent moon shape on your left shoulder, “that was when I was a kid and I fell out of the tree were I was building a treehouse.”  You continued to point out all the small imperfections that were dotted around your body that Bucky hadn’t seen when he first ran his eyes over you.  By the time you dropped your yoga pants to the floor and started to list the scars and stretchmarks over your thighs he was smiling warmly at you. “So does all this make you want me any less?  I could just put my clothes back on and…”

“NO!” Bucky practically leapt up causing you to giggle.  “No, it doesn’t make me want you any less and no please don’t put your clothes back on.  The view is far too good to cover up.” He took a deep breath and then pulled his track pants down over his thighs, allowing them to drop to the floor. “Okay, so this one right here, I got that defending Steve’s scrawny ass when he squared up to some meatheads at the carnival…” You ran your fingertips over the tiny scar before leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss to it causing Bucky to gasp. He couldn’t remember the story for every scar which was probably a blessing but each one he pointed out you would caress and kiss as if healing the wound.  Tentatively he pulled his shirt up and over his head, his eyes never leaving your face as he waited for the look of horror.  His eyes filled with tears of gratitude when you tilted your head and ran your fingers over the scars on his shoulder before leaning over and trailing gentle kisses over his skin and the metal.  

The sunlight streaming in through a gap in the curtains woke him as it fell in a warm shard across his face.  It took him a second for his sleepy mind to register the weight on his chest and frowning he opened one eye.  A grin spread across his face lighting it up brighter than the ray of sunlight was able to as he saw you fast asleep snuggled into him, your head resting on his chest.  He loved every single inch of you and now he believed it was just possible you felt the same way about him.

Tags: @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @nea90sweetie@knittingknerdy @feelmyroarrrr @vintagevalentinexx@goody2shoessmut @cojootromuelle @palaiasaurus64@littleblue5mcdork  @littlenerdgirl16 @iwillbeinmynest@buckyhawk @almondbuttercup @beccaanne814-blog @canumoveyourseatup-no @callamint @like-a-bag-of-potatoes

[majestic-shriek]

  I’ve now reached the milestone of having lived abroad for over a year, making this the longest I have been away from the UK and my family, like. Ever.

I feel I maybe should have inaugurated the occasion of my arrival in Chile (July 30th, 2016)  with a cake or something. In reality, I was on the point of starting a new job, and so I cooked some lunches. I am nothing if not practical.

I’ve been thinking though, as I tend to do, rather a lot, and reflecting, both on my year (and a bit) here this time round, and the similarities and differences from my first year in Chile back in 2005/6.

Chileans are (generally) lovely

This isn’t a new or surprising observation. I’ve been lucky enough to stay with two different Chilean families during my time in the country, one in Santiago (my Santiago family, as I call them) and the other in Talca (my Talca family). These families welcomed me in –in the first case as a young, Spanishless girl of 18 years old — and included me in activities and daily family life; something I am still welcome in to this day. I’m still in regular contact with my Santiago family; I teach two of the kids English, and I am invited to some family events. I’m still welcome to stay and visit my Talca family whenever I want. When travelling in the south last November, I met other families who were hosting volunteers, who also welcomed me into their homes and said return visits were welcome. Further in the south, I met countless lovely friendly people when travelling who helped me and chatted to this somewhat intrepid solo traveller. I’ve always been struck by that here in Chile. Maybe it’s just that people, in general, are good, but Chileans are definitely Good Eggs.

(I need more recent photos with my Santiago family, it seems…)

You are still you

The same things you found difficult the first time you lived here, are still the things you find difficult. The same things you found difficult back in the UK, are still the things you find difficult. Anxiety is still anxiety. Moving halfway across the world doesn’t change who you are, but you can keep striving to improve.

I found this, from a blog post  this morning, and it seemed relevant. “So, in my despair I thought: “This demon that I’ve created is part of myself that I should forgive.” I felt compassion. I tried embracing the demon, and to my surprise, that made it smaller”

The world is made of sushi

And that sushi is full of cream cheese and deep fried. Or covered in avocado. It’s all good. Well, some of it is better than others. I swear that back in 2005 sushi didn’t exist here in such quantities, where as now you find it on every street, practically. I have an affection for Chilean sushi; it was here, after all, that I tried sushi for the first time, my good friend Maca taking Leo and I to a sushi restaurant in the centre where I tentatively tried the raw fish and rice. The first time, I wasn’t convinced. The second time she took us, I thought it was okay. After the third time, I wanted more. Now, I have access to all the sushi I could possibly want.

Tramites. TRAMITES

Tramites. My life is tramites. Back in January I had to go through the joyous process of extending my temporary visa, which meant immigration queues and translations and apostilled documents and notarised photocopies and more queues…and then an awful lot of waiting. In June, I paid for and received my visa — cue more queues, and waiting, and in July I finally got my new carné – my ID card, which is essentially for much of bureaucratic life here. It’s valid until the end of January. Yep. I’m gonna have to go through this all again come January, except the paperwork will be more complicated and the waiting will be even longer, because I’ll be trying to get a visa definitiva – a permanent residency visa. (My worries about that are for another post…)

Banks. Omg Banks.

Why don’t the banks open past 2pm? Why don’t the banks open for customers on Saturday mornings at least? Why do they make it next to impossible to do your banking? There’s also the small detail that if your bank card is blocked or lost, or something happens to your account, you need your ID card to deal with it (or the patience and the Spanish to argue an awful lot with the bank teller). If you don’t have an ID card, because your visa is en tramite…good luck with that! I had 5 months of being very careful with my bank card because I had no easy way of getting a new one…and then 2 weeks before I was due to get my new ID, the bank blocked my card.

Oh, and why is there not an option to remember a lost internet banking password? Mess that up? Yeah, you have to go to the bank and get a new one.

Oh, and you’ll need your ID.

There are fewer street dogs

Back in 2005, there were dogs seemingly everywhere. I even was required to get the rabies jab before coming out here. Now, there’s no rabies and definitely fewer street dogs. That’s not to say the problem is solved; there are still far too many around, but even if areas where I’d expect to see more dogs there are fewer. There’s been new law to do with pet ownership and care that passed recently as well, so we’ll see if that makes even more of a difference.

Street dogs are smart though! Not only do some of them know how to cross the road safely and use buses, but this one is currently enjoying his moment of fame:

I also enjoy the little pack of 2 or 3 dogs outside Baquedano station who exclusively bark at and chase taxis and motorbikes. No other cars. Just taxis.

Cafe culture exists now

Chile, can, at times, seem to be a country that’s slow to come round to coffee. In 2005, pretty much all that was available was Nescafe, powered, to boot (not even granulated!) and cafe culture wasn’t really a thing. Well, there was (and is) a certain type of cafe  that wasn’t really the sort of place I was going to be going. There were 2 (that I knew of) Starbucks in Santiago, both up in the distant lands of Las Condes. Now, there’s a Starbucks practically everywhere, and a number of decent little cafes all over the place too, some of which also have pretty decent coffee (Roasters & Co, I’m looking at you)

Homesickness does exist!

I’ve never really been one to get homesick. I don’t remember feeling it during my first year away. I’ve missed home and my parents and friends and things, obviously,  but I’ve never been homesick. Until May this year, when the overwhelming desire to just be at home, to be back in the UK was so strong I almost packed it all in and booked a flight. I looked at the costs of flights a couple of times. But, it passed, with the feelings that were surrounding it too, and I haven’t had that strong overwhelming need to be back on UK soil since.

I miss food

Food obviously exists here. There’s good food here, too, in places, and I can cook, so I can make many things that I like. But gosh. I miss things like

— bacon (the only easily available bacon here is streaky bacon, which, while good, is not true bacon. There is a source of back bacon, but I am currently poor, and so back bacon is off my menu)

— curry (again, the number of Indian restaurants has risen sharply since the last time I was here, but reasons of cost mean I have not yet tried any of them out)

–chinese food (see above, regarding cost. Also I am dubious as to the nature of Chilean Chinese food. I mean, British Chinese food is…interesting enough, I’m not sure how they’ll have interpretted it for the Chilean palette!)

–sheer variety of fresh (prepared) foods to buy in the supermarket (fresh fruit and vegetables are readily available, subject to much greater seasonality than in the UK, but I do sometimes miss fresh things that are ready to cook — just for ease! I know ready spiralized courgette and chicken ready with a sauce to cook in the oven a luxuries that I don’t need, but man, it’s nice to have them and to be able to cook healthily quickly.)

I miss good cheese

This deserves a segment of its own, because, wow, do I miss good cheese. Cheese with flavour. Cheese with a deep sharpness to it. Cheese which smells. Cheese that’s mature. Cheese with mould on it. CHEESE. I resent having to pay extortionate amounts of money for a tiny amount of somewhat decent cheese, and so am reduced to “cheese that will do to melt on top of pasta.”

This would be heaven right now

And milk.

I’m not really a milk drinker, so this one surprised me. Fresh milk isn’t really a thing here, unless you live in the campo and have access to a cow. All the milk in the supermarket is UHT. I hate UHT milk. I have always hated UHT milk. It tastes weird. I can just about deal with it if it is ice cold. I dislike it in coffee because it makes my coffee taste weird, which means that I primarily drink black coffee now, unless I’m having some highly flavoured abomination from Starbucks or get lucky with some vegetable/nut milk somewhere. I’m looking forward to the day when I will have enough money to be able to afford nut milks.

Some dairy products though…

Who knew that cream cheese covered in soy sauce, sprinkled with sesame seeds and served with crackers was so damn delicious?

I think my Spanish has improved

It’s hard to tell — I could speak Spanish when I arrived this time, after all. It’s not like before where I was thrust into a world where I understood not a word of what was going on around me, where I had to try to construct sentences carefully in my head before talking, and where the conversations always seemed to rush off to another topic before I’d had a chance to say said carefully constructed sentence. Now I work in an almost fully Spanish language environment, my social life is pretty bilingual and I think — I hope — my Spanish has improved from when I arrived back here last year. I haven’t done much hard graft on my Spanish, and I fear I may need to to really seriously improve it, but for now, I think I’m doing pretty good.

I haven’t been fired yet, so I must be understanding everything in the workplace okay at least!

It still throws me off hearing English in the streets or the supermarket

I never used to hear English anywhere except in the English classroom, out with Maca or with a handful of other people I knew who spoke English. Now, I hear it everywhere — and it’s not just that there’s more foreign tourists and residents in Chile, but the Chileans are talking more English too.

Working here involves working long hours

I knew this, but add my commute as well, and I work a lot. I work 9am-6:30pm in an office job. So yeah, I’m not working hard some of the time, but that’s long working hours. I’m lucky enough to live close by; on a good day it takes me less than an hour to get home, but for people who live further out, contending with the Santiago rush hour traffic? No thank you. 44 hours is a long working week.

I prefer downtown to uptown

I recently moved to Las Condes to be closer to work and to cut down on my commute. It’s nice enough, I like the area. But I much prefer the life and vitality of downtown — even Providencia. I lived previously in Plaza Italia – where I lived in 2005/6 too – which is an area I love. It’s close to everything, it’s well connected. I’ve found myself missing just being able to walk into el centro recently, wandering down through Lastarria towards the Plaza de Armas. I miss downtown.

Joining an expat community is not a bad thing

I hadn’t resisted joining the expat community here at all, it just hadn’t really happened. I’ve got my English speaking knitting group, after all. But recently, I’ve been to a few events and things involving the expat community, and yeah, it’s been nice. It’s nice to be around people who “get you.” Even if they don’t really get you because British English is apparently not compatible with North American English.

But I’m glad I know Chileans too

That said, I’m glad my circle of friends includes Chileans too. I don’t want to live in an expat bubble. Now to work on expanding both circles!

Without the support of these guys, I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did, in all honesty. They are amazing.

  There’s probably many more things I could have said or added or thought about at anniversary of my arrival back in Chile. It’s been a tough year – I never thought it would be easy – but I am perservering and getting stronger. Here’s to many years more.

  You’ve been abroad how long?! I've now reached the milestone of having lived abroad for over a year, making this the longest I have been away from the UK and my family, like.

[bambamsgotjams]

Jun As A Father

Jun as a father next please!!! He’s my bias and I need to see him! I love this short series by the way, you should do more like this often!

Hello! I love your daddy seventeen scenarios! Could you possibly do Junhui next with twin boys?            

Thank you! I really appreciate your compliments! I’ll try to get more up sooner then throughout the week! I honestly tried so hard to write this and make it good but most of this turned out to look like what my mind processes around at 2am so it probably sucks too. But I hope you enjoy and if you want anymore, please do request!

There really is a lot I could say about Jun being a father

Like I grantee you that he would just be 100% ready to be a father to some beautiful children

Without further ado let’s begin here

So basically Jun would just know what was happening and his father like instincts would just kind of come off as natural

 Like he would have begged and begged you to have a baby with him

 And you just couldn’t say no because your whiny husband just looked so cute when he would pout and beg you for some babies

And lets be honest who in the right mind would actual deny having babies with Jun

Jun would have serenaded you on the night that he was planning on making love to you since you agreed to having children

Like he would have made sure everything was perfect

He would have set out rose petals

Sprayed your favorite sent

He even set out your (and his) favorite lingerie

And basically you would have just had at it

About two months later you were kind of upset because you weren’t getting any symptoms and signs that you were pregnant like most women would probably have had at this point

So you talked to Jun about it and he agreed to try again

And the next thing that you knew

The morning of the day that you planned on trying again

You finally got morning sickness

You were kind of scared but kind of happy because hey, maybe you were actually pregnant this whole time

Jun was by your side the whole time and even offered to call in and schedule you an appointment for an ultrasound

The next day you went in to the office and they got you all set up for your ultrasound

Jun was so bouncy because of how nervous he was

You knew that he was praying that it wasn’t because you were really sick

This boy just really wanted a baby so so bad

And you were determined to give it to him

Jun held your hand tightly the entire time the doctor was trying to find the right spot to see if there was a baby actually inside of you

The doctor stood up and smiled as he turned to the two of you

“congrats, you two are officially pregnant with twins”

And that is when Jun stopped breathing

Because oh my god he wasn’t having just one baby

But two

And you knew it wasn’t a bad reaction because his lips slowly turned into the biggest grin you had ever seen in your life

Jun basically football tackled you into a hug on the bed

Normally you would have spat insults and would call him off for jumping on you

But you too were beyond happy

“i can’t believe this is happening, we’re going to have two babies. two live babies, [y/n]”

The next day he would go into Pledis and basically right as he walked in would walk up to the intercom at the front desk and scream into the mic as he pushed the receptionist out of the way

“hEY GUYS gUESS WhaT I’M HaVING TWiNS”

And Minghao would casually stroll over to his Chinese buddy and pull him off the desk by the ear and cursing him out in Chinese

But Jun could care less because he was just so goddamn happy

Like the whole world needed to know about his babies

Despite what minghao actually thought

The second he would walk into the practice room the rest of hi members would bombard him and begin to shout congratulations at him because they know how hard Jun had worked to try and get a baby

Not that he talked about his sex life to everyone phhhhhtt

When it came to taking care of you during your pregnancy

Jun would be the best husband for the job

Like if you wanted a back massage he would gladly agree

If you wanted some nasty meal

Not matter how nasty your cravings were

And they were pretty bad tbh

He would still go through all the measures just to make it for you

Even if it made him physically sick

But seeing you happy made Jun so very happy and he would do anything to see you smile

Everything between you two would be so smooth running and relaxed

That was until your hormones started kicking in and you got a little grumpy and would insult and pick fights with your husband for no reason

And he would just take it all in because he really understood because his mom had gone through the same thing when she was preggers with his little brother

You really had to give it to him for that because you were 100% sure no one else besides Jun would ever put up with the things you said to him

And he really was the sweetest husband a girl could ever ask for

His favorite mood swing of yours would be the cuddling

Not only did it give him the chance to hold you close

But he also was able to rub your pregnant belly at the same time

And that really mad him happy and it was kind of like a reality shock that yes, you guys really were pregnant with two babies and this was really happening

He’s waited his whole life for this and he was so ready for the outcome

At least that’s what he thought at first

The further you got into your pregnancy the more and more nervous Jun grew

He did a damn good job at hiding it

It wasn’t until one night Jun was left wide awake until the early hours of the morning and you woke up because being pregnant with twins really made you have to be at least 5 times an hour

So when you woke up to go tinkle you found Jun lying wide awake in bed

Being the caring wife you were, of course you asked him what was wrong

All he did was look at you with tear filled eyes and a small pout

“do you think i’m going to be a good father?”

You were honestly shocked because

1) Jun was almost crying and that never happened

2) He never seemed to be dismayed about being a father before

So you pulled him close to you and reassured him that he would be the perfect daddy someday

You also kind of pushed him away a bit because you really had to pee and if you didn’t go soon your would urinate all over your bed

But Jun was just happy to have you reassurance at the moment

He never really complained much after that but you knew it still worried him that he wouldn’t be good enough

It wasn’t until halfway through your pregnancy when you began to feel the baby kicking in your abdomen

You were casually making lunch for both you and Jun

While you were chopping up some veggies, you felt a tiny kick against your stomach

You basically threw your spoon across the room at the feeling which began to concern your husband as he looked at you with worry

You couldn’t really say anything because you were in shock so you just kind of flailed your arms until Jun finally got the queue to come over and see what was wrong

You grabbed his large hand and placed it on your belly

Jun swore his heart stopped at the feeling of the tiny kicks

He smiled so big and began to laugh

“wow”

literally that was all he could say over and over again because no word could describe how amazing this was

So the two of you really wanted to keep the gender of your babies a secret until you went into labor

Because of this buying things for your twins was a little hard because you tried to buy gender neutral things for your nursery.

But you found your way around it and ended up buying some pretty cute things

Most of the pregnancy seemed to go by pretty quickly

Like it really wasn’t all that bad because Jun’s daddy instincts just kind of happened naturally so you didn’t really have to tech him much

Even in your maternity classes (I think that’s a thing) he was told by the instructor that he was basically natural born pro

But everyone knew that Jun basically prepared his whole life for this

When he was younger he used to help his mom out with taking care of his little brother

And he loved it

Jun is a huge softy when it comes to his family and I just asdfghjkakfhiaohsfgafj

But anyways back on topic

When you were going to labor it was pretty late a night

And lets just say that it’s not the best feeling in the world to be awaken at 3am by severe pains

You felt water trickling down your legs and sharp pains were running all throughout your abdomen

You screamed out once and kicked Jun in the bed next to you until her grumbled at you to stop and you just gave him a look like

-_-

and that’s when Jun realized that the bed was slightly wet and you were doubled over in pain and he was like wOW THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING OKAY

So Jun went all superman and put on clothes, grabbed the hospital bag, and swept you off your feet all at the same time and quickly drove you to the hospital

Once he got there he helped you inside and sat your down in a chair for a second while he went to go get the nurse

Both he and the nurse came back with a wheel chair and he held your hand the entire way there

Even when it came time for the labor he still held your hand tightly in his as if it were going to be the last time he would ever hold you

You could tell Jun was just as nervous as you were because if anything went wrong he could lose you and you were the most important person in his life

You weren’t going to let that happen though

Despite spitting 2 babies out of your vagina the labor actually went pretty smoothly

Like pain was the last thing on your mind and you just couldn’t wait for those babies to come out of you

By the time you heard the first cry of your baby you couldn’t help but cry yourself

Jun was in shock though

Like he just kind of stood there with this stupid grin like

“yo i really made that”

Soon enough after another round of the same thing another baby came out

You were so relieved that the entire thing went so well and that you now had two beautiful babies to take care of

The nurses cleaned off the babies and handed one to each of you with a smile

“congrats, you have two very healthy babies boys”

And you swore you never saw Jun smile wider than he did in that moment

You guys just kind of sat there for a couple of hours just holding your babies and switching off every now and then so you each got an equal amount of time with the other

When the nurse came in to ask to take your boys away for special care and treatment to make sure that they were healthy

Jun didn’t want to let them go

He just kind of sat there and shook his head at the nurse and told her that he need another moment because god he just didn’t want it to end

His whole life he had prepared himself for this and now it was actually happening

It was so much better than he expected

Eventually he did let her take them away but after that he only gushed to you about how amazing you did and how wonderful his babies were

Finally after a few days the time came for the babies to come home

It was hard taking care of twins for a while

Like one baby crying was enough

But when one baby would cry the other would follow

It made Jun so sad because he couldn’t stand seeing his baby boys so sad

Even if it was only over a poopy diaper

He never wanted his babies to cry

So at night despite the late hours

He would willingly get up and take care of their every need

Even if it mean for him to get up at least 30 times in 5 minutes he would have done it

Jun really was a great help with the babies

You were kind of upset when he had to go back into work because you never had taken care of two babies on your own before and you were very nervous

So Jun called up his mom and she flew out from China just to come help you take care of the newborns

He is honestly such husband material like-

Once the babies were a little bit older, Jun would offer to take one into work with him so he could look after one while you looked after the other

Okay so imagine this

Daddy!Jun walking around Pledis with a baby carrier around his chest and a sleepy baby cuddled up to him as he shows off his boy to everyone with this big ass eating grin on his face because he’s so proud of what he had made

He wouldn’t let anyone touch him because he was afraid of the boys breaking his baby before it even got a chance to live

Except for Minghao

Jun trusted him with his life

Plus Minghao was the godfather of his babies

Jun would be the cutest when teaching his toddlers the basics

Like walking and talking and stuff

The two of you would each get a baby and you would switch off with helping the other walk

Just imagine your baby boy’s hands wrapped around Jun’s bigass finger as he helps them mOVE AROUND OUCH I CAN’T

And Jun sitting on your bed with his babies in front of him as he taught them how to speak

And you scolding him as he tried teaching them really hard words in Chinese

He would be a mess though when he managed to get a couple words out of them though

And when his babies got older like into the kindergarten age unlike most dads who would teach their babies a sport

Jun tried teaching them how to dance

But his babies were a thousand times more clumsy than Mingyu so he eventually gave up on that

It wasn’t long before his twin boys would come running home from school asking the two of you if you could have another baby because one of their friends just had a little brother and they really wanted another boy in the house to play with

And you and Jun just looked at each other like “yeah that can be arranged”

2 months later you and Jun found out that you were pregnant with another baby

This time you decided to figure out the gender so you could surprise your boys later

As much as the two of you were dying to have another boy it didn’t happen

Instead you found out you were pregnant with a little girl

And if Jun was a mess when he found out about you having twin boys back then

bOI

WAS HE A MESS NOW

Like he loved the thought of having a million sons

But having a little girl was his dream

And so Jun somehow managed to help juggle a pregnant wife and two boys at the same time and you were sure that he was superman at this point

Because not only did he put up with your mood swings

But also to hyper active children

And when the final days came until the baby would be born Jun called out his mom again to help with the twin boys so the two of you could focus more on having your baby girl

And history repeated itself because you found yourself yet again kicking the shit out of your husband to wake up at 3am

A couple hours later you found yourself smiling at your husband who was cooing at the little baby girl in his arms

She was the most beautiful baby you had ever seen

She basically resembled everything of her father

Your little girl never cried

Usually babies do but for some reason she came out with a smile

It was like when she first glanced at her father she knew that there would never be a reason for her to feel upset or afraid

It was like she knew Jun would always care for her

When you came home with the baby your boys were slightly upset that it wasn’t a little boy but that all changed when Jun gave them the idea of being her personal body guards

They helped both you and Jun pretty well with caring for the baby and soon you had two boys begging you to let them change her diaper and stuff

She grew up to be a pretty spoiled child having both her father and two older brothers taking care of her

But she was a good kind of spoiled

She basically was a princess and even from a young age had boys falling for her

Like when she was 6 years old she already had like 12 boyfriends

She could get the boys to do whatever she wanted

Especially if they were in her family

Her brothers would make her snacks and play barbies with her

But they would not have tea parties with her for who knows what reason

They left all of that up to Jun

But let’s be honest

Jun could care less about dressing up in tutus and tiny tiaras if it made his little girl happy

And you may or may not have a bunch of photos for your own pleasure

or blackmail to give to the other members of seventeen if they ever needed it

She had Jun wrapped around her little finger

And she did end up to become a lot like her father

She signed up for dance classes and even became the top of each class

Your sons always looked after your little girl throughout high school

If a guy so much had breathed in her direction they would have eaten their souls

But despite when it came to their little sister they were actually really nice boys

They were always gentlemen to other girls and their hyungs

They were actually pretty popular in school too

Your oldest twin was Captain of the rugby team and the younger was the lead in his school choir

Both of them had met some very lovely girls and even continued on to date them throughout college

Your little girl on the other hand had asked to go off and train to become an idol just like her father

She had debut in a successful girl group as their lead dancer and their visual (clearly) much like her father

She had decided not to get married so she could be focused more on her life as an idol without any distractions

Jun was kind of relieved but kind of sad that he probably would never get to see his little girl walk down the isle someday in a beautiful white gown

But at least he got to see his sons dress up for their weddings

It wasn’t like he never saw her wear beautiful gowns though

At all the award shows she attended she was defiantly the sight to look at

She always caught most of the attention from the paparazzi

And the best part was that he got to walk down the red carpets along with her due to the fact that they both were successful idols

Jun couldn’t be any prouder of his family and how they turned out to be

His dream finally came true and it was more than what he could ask for

|| S.Coups || Jeonghan || Joshua || Jun || Hoshi || Wonwoo || Woozi || DK || Mingyu || The8 || Seungkwan || Vernon || Dino ||

[laprincesseecarlate]

You’ve got mail (NSFW)

Rating: Explicit/NSFW Content! 

Summary: Raven sent him a boob pic. And they are very nice breasts, but he’s not exactly sure what the protocol is for situations like that. He should reply in kind, right? It’s only fair. Some sort of quid pro quo : I show you mine, you show me yours?

AO3 link

Raven sent him a boob pic.

It’s a surprise. A rather pleasant surprise, her breasts look amazing, but still a surprise. And sure he’s thought about her chest before, and pretty much every inch of her; he always had a thing for the brunette. Her dedication to her work, her wit, her smile, her body: from the soft round shape of her shoulder to the gentle swell of her breasts… He’s in deep, no use in denying that. So it is a nice surprise and they are very, very nice boobs, with perfectly placed freckles and he’s going a little bit insane. But they don’t usually exchange message like that. It’s mostly about mission protocol, how to finally catch that serial killer the team’s been after, or who’s ordering Chinese for the stakeout… They work together. So this, this is new to him and he’s not really sure how to react.

And maybe she’s just drunk?

But it’s only 9.30 pm. On a Thursday night. And he knows for a fact she barely drinks. So he just stares at the picture that has established a direct connection between his eyes and his now very hard cock. He should reply in kind, right? It’s only fair. Some sort of quid pro quo : I show you mine, you show me yours?

So he sends Raven a dick pic. And it’s a tasteful dick pic, if he might say so himself. It’s not just a zoom in of his erected member, ‘cause that would be gross. It shows the lower half of his body, thighs spread apart, his hard cock resting against his abdomen, while his right hand massages his balls. He even paid attention to the lighting so that his length casts a shadow on his abs. So yes, as far as dick pics go, it’s a nice one. And really, all would have been great if he hadn’t sent his message right when Raven sent another one saying: ‘OMG. I’m so sorry Sera went through my phone. I’m so sorry. Please just pretend you didn’t see that. Please!’

So yeah. It’s around 10 pm on a Thursday night and he just sent a dick pic to the co-worker he’s been in love with for the past two years, because fucking Sera played a prank on him. AGAIN ! And he has receipts notifications turned on, so he knows she’s seen his dick. And clearly he meant to send it. He can hardly pretend it was a mistake and go ‘Oops my bad, wrong number’ when it’s pretty fucking clear he was replying to her text. Except it wasn’t her text.

That freaking elf.

Cullen starts pacing his living room like a caged lion, his left hand running through his untamed curls before settling on the nape of his neck. He’s going insane for the second time tonight, for a completely different reason, and needless to say his cock isn’t hard anymore. He has to think of something.

Worst case scenario: she shows the photo to Sera (or worse: Dorian) and they make fun of him for a few months, maybe a few years if Varric is in on it too. Shame colours his cheeks with heat at the simple thought of the dwarf’s sly, knowing smirk, but he can survive that. Now best case scenario: she doesn’t tell anyone. They exchange one or two embarrassed glances, maybe even a few smiles, and it stays a private joke. He’ll be even more awkward around Raven and will never have a chance with her, ever again (not that he ever had one), but he can survive that too. What he doesn’t know is what he should do now. Should he call her? Pretend like nothing happened? What is the protocol for sending dick pics to your partner?

He would probably have spent a few more hours thinking about the situation and maybe Googled the appropriate course of action if a soft knock hadn’t interrupted his inner monologue. He strides over to the door but before he can fully open it, Raven launches herself at him and captures his mouth in a passionate kiss that has them both stumbling around the room until Cullen manages to stabilize them. She doesn’t let go of him though, arms looped around his neck, her hands buried in his hair. And he doesn’t recoil either despite his surprise.

He’s not sure how long the kiss lasted. He’s too happy to care and too confused to fully realize what’s happening. She texted she didn’t send the pic, that Sera did. Yet she’s here, in his living room, her perfect body pressed against his, fingers playing with the blond curls at the back of his neck. And she’s kissing him and… Andraste’s flaming ass what is going on?

Just as she had started the kiss, Raven is also the one to end it. She disentangles herself from him, a bit disheveled and out of breath, and takes a step back, hands flat on his chest as to keep him afar. She draws a deep breath and bites her bottom lip like she always does when she’s deep in thought or, more likely, embarrassed about something. When she finally looks up at him, she has a wary smile on her face and the most adorable shade of embarrassed pink on her cheeks.

“You meant to send the picture, right? I didn’t misread that?”

“I did… but you said you didn’t?” He queries.

“No, I…” Raven takes another step back, hands falling to her side as she nibbles her lips once more. “I did mean to send it but then 30 minutes passed and you didn’t reply, so I… I started freaking out and I sent the text about Sera messing with my phone. But then I got your text and I didn’t know how to explain so I came here,” she babbles, avoiding his gaze.

Cullen clears his throat. He hadn’t realize how much time had passed before sending his photo. The thought of her being nervous hadn’t even occured to him. Raven was a force to be reckoned with when it came to work and he always assumed she had the same confidence in every other aspect of her life.

“ Sorry about that. I was trying to be… artistic?”

“It was a very nice picture.” She confesses, taking a step towards him to close the distance she had put between them.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He moves closer to her, faces inches away from each other and he can fee the heat emanating from her body. They stay like that for a few minutes, staring awkwardly at each other like two love struck teenagers rather than two 30-something FBI agents. But… It feels nice. It feels right.

“So… no Sera involved?” He finally asks.

“Nope. No Sera involved.”

“Good.”

Cullen’s hands roams under her round ass to pick her up and she instinctively wraps her legs around him with a giggle. He takes her to his room and he’s the one kissing her this time. A slow, deliberate kiss filled with hunger an desire. And above all an irrepressible need to be together. So there is nothing romantic or sensual about the way they undress, clumsy fingers unbuttoning their pants, clothes flying everywhere… but neither of them care. They are too engrossed in each other to notice the mess, their minds solely focused on getting their skin to touch. And as soon as the last garment hits the floor, their hands get back to work, curious fingers mapping the other’s body. But it’s not enough. He’s craving to taste her. He wants to trace every constellation of freckles with his tongue, kiss every inch of smooth skin. So he walks her back towards the bed, his hands still exploring her curves, and lowers her down. She looks beautiful, her dark locks spilling across his pillow, and his mouth dries at the expanse of bronze skin offered to his hungry gaze.

“So beautiful” he murmurs. And the reverence in his tone makes it sound like a confession, almost a secret. Heat rises to Raven’s cheeks and she tries to shy away from his stare but he distracts her with a slow, open-mouth, kiss that has them both light-headed and whimpering.

He abandons her lips only to bury his nose in the crook of her neck and breathe her in. He’d recognize her scent anywhere: the subtle mix of gun powder and cinnamon that is inherently her and it fuels his hunger even more. So he licks up the column of her neck, savoring the saltiness of her skin as he strokes the inside of her thigh, his calloused fingers sending shivers straight to her core. Every caress getting closer to her sex is rewarded by appreciative humming sounds, that transform into wanton moans when his nimble fingers part her wet folds to tease her clit. She calls him a tease and it makes him smirk against her neck.

“Not teasing,” he counters, his index pushing inside her heat, “just exploring.”

And exploring he does. His mouth descends from her throat to her cleavage and finally settles on her left breast. He gently nips at her hardened nipple, his finger still coming in and out of her and the sounds she makes feel like music to his ears. Obscene little whines that only spur him on. He would have been content to just stay like that: his mouth going from one breast to the other, alternating between tiny bites and soft caresses, when her voice comes out breathy:

“I want you inside me.”

“Already am” he taunts, adding a second finger to his ministrations.

“Stop playing Rutherford.”

Cullen chuckles at her commanding tone but he’s too happy to oblige. He moves up to kiss her again, deep and dirty, and aligns his hips with hers before entering her with a long groan. She feels so wet and tight and perfect around him. He quickly gets lost in the sensations. Everything disappears until he is left with only her: the smoothness of her skin, the needy tone of her voice, her nails scraping his shoulder… Everything is her.

Finding the right rhythm comes easily to them. After two years of being partners they have learned how to move together. He knows how she sucks in a breath before taking a shot, she knows he flexes his hands when he’s nervous. It’s like an well-practiced routine: familiar and safe but also exciting and new. They set a slow pace, almost torturous, that drives them both mad with pleasure. He moves inside her with long, hard, thrusts until he feels her get impossibly tighter around him. Her body grows tense and he can feel her walls clench around his cock. He keeps his eyes locked on her face: she looks magnificent, her back arched off the bed and her mouth open in a silent ‘O’ of ecstasy. He keeps fucking her as she rides out her orgasm, chasing after his own. His name falls from her lips like a broken prayer, and it’s almost enough to take him over the edge. The feeling of her wanting him, needing him… it’s intoxicating. And it takes only a few more thrusts, hard and fast, before he comes undone; spilling deep inside her with a deep growl.

They stay like that for a few seconds, tangled in each other, breaths heavy and gasping. Then he rolls to the side and they both stare at the ceiling in sated silence. It’s not weird or awkward between them. They’re comfortable just being next to each other : it feels right. Until she lets out a pouty sigh that has him a bit alarmed.

“Something’s wrong?”

“I’m thinking I’ll have to delete your picture.”

“Why?”

“Sera does go through my phone from time to time.”

“Oh. Yes, that’s probably best. But… you know you have full access to me and all of my body anytime you want right?”

“Mhmm. But it was a really nice photo,” she says, looking at him with a cheeky grin. “Maybe I should do some exploring of my own and take a few mental pictures.”

And just like that she is straddling him and kissing him again; a smirk tugging at her lips before she moves down to his already half hard cock.

[roselovesanimation]

It’s been 2 weeks since I last updated my blog because...

I’ve been in China with Uni!!! Baoding and Beijing (20/5/17 - 30/5/17).

I went with 3 tutors and 9 students so we were a big group of 13 from Animation, Advertising and Interior design courses.

We travelled there on Saturday and got there on the Sunday as it takes 9/10 hours to fly to China, it was a nice plane journey as we all got to sit near/next to each other.

Sunday: We arrived at Beijing Airport and once we got through the security etc we got a coach to the train station, we got there very early so we had 3 hours til our bullet train to Baoding. Straight away we all noticed a lot of people staring at us, which is what happened last time I was in China so it wasn’t too weird for me, but it is still strange to get so much attention. We wandered around the train station for a bit and then went to get our train, which is a bullet train which can get up to speeds of 300mph, yet it doesn’t feel too fast! The views from the window were amazing, it was so interesting to see the landscape pass by and the contrast between a city and rural locations. Once we got to Baoding, we got another coach to take us to the hotel. The hotel was called Power Valley International, and it was such a fancy hotel! After unpacking a bit we all decided to go to a gardens, we ended up at the wrong one but it was still nice. Before this trip I decided to try to learn Chinese and made a note of everything I have learnt so I could keep learning on the go and this came in handy a few times as I noticed how our taxi driver kept calling us “waiguo” which is “foreigner” and asked if we were “yingguo” which is “english” so I let everyone else know this. I also practiced saying hello and thank you and other phrases which people liked. The park was lovely, we got stared at more and the weather was nice. I took many photos as who knows it could come in useful as research in the future and I like taking photos in general. We decided to walk back to the hotel which was a trek but I got a really cheap Rose flavoured ice cream which was so nice~ We actually walked to a bar which was a while past the hotel and went there for dinner. The entire menu was in Chinese, so I would like to personally thank Google Translate for helping us all out with the download of Chinese on the app, which meant you could use your phone camera to hover over Chinese text and it would translate it as well as possible so then I knew what things were!

Monday: First Day at the Uni. We all introduced ourselves in Chinese so that was fun! “dàjiā hǎo, wǒ de míngzì shì Rosie, wǒ xuéxí dònghuà, wǒ hěn gāoxìng lái, xièxiè” - which means “Hello everyone, my name is Rosie, I study Animation, I’m glad to come, Thank you”. After this we saw presentations of people’s work so far for the project and then got into our groups. It was nice to chat with my group as one of the members, John, has been learning English since he was 6 so could translate for the others who weren’t so good at English. I also tried to practice the Chinese I have learnt which I think they all appreciated. I got told I was very beautiful which was very sweet :3. In the evening the UCLAN group went out to a bar. I got so much nice fruit tea, it was such a fun time as there was a tiny kitten who lived there that we all got to cuddle as it was so quiet and happy to be passed around as it just slept. 

Tuesday: We worked more on the project in terms of ideas and finalising what our end goal would be. At lunch we went out to a restaurant which had strange but nice food, so I gave everything a go because you might as well try new things! I also got to know the rest of the group more which was nice :) I have all of them on WeChat so that we can talk whenever tbh.

Wednesday: Worked more on the project in terms of creating posters and an animation at the uni. I got complimented more which was very sweet, it’s always nice to feel appreciated haha. We went to the market again and had more strange food but it was a nice time to hang out with the people in our group. Most things in China are cheap so I bought a lot of cute stationary from the market.

Thursday: I did more work for the project and in the afternoon I did a presentation about the MA in Animation at UCLAN to a big group of students, this was kinda scary as I know I talk quick so it may be hard for people to understand so I spoke as slow as I could and said a few chinese words and hopefully it went well! I gave out a bunch of brochures for the course too. We finished the project work which was 4 posters and a short animation as well as a powerpoint. Pete was very helpful when it came to making sure the posters looked good. We all went to the market again in the evening as it was our last full day in Baoding, so I got souvenirs and clothes~ I also had a chat with a lady at the market who spoke really good english and told me I speak good chinese! In the evening a bunch of us went for a tea ceremony in the hotel which was really nice and then went to play pool/snooker (idk which one?) so that was a fun evening.

Friday: Last day in Baoding! We presented our work last and it went okay? I spoke in English and John spoke in Chinese and we all got certificates for it which was nice as well as a souvenir Uni bag. We then travelled back to Beijing for the ~holiday~ part of our trip. It was cool to go on the bullet train again and the train station had interesting things in the shop. In the evening we went to an American bar so I had non chinese food for the first time in a while! We then went for a walk round the area which was nice.

Saturday: We all went to the 798 Art District part of Beijing. This was such a fun day as there was so much art to see and it was a really pretty area! I had a green tea ice cream which was so nice! The main stand out point from this day was the Tam Lab exhibition which Pete wanted to see in London but didn’t get a chance to but we only had to wait a few hours and it only cost £10. It was beautiful, lots of light projections of flowers and colours and chances of interactivity and there was a room of lights and it was just such a cool place that I really enjoyed! In the taxi back, there was a screen in which you could do quizzes and play games which was cool! Google Translate translates things so hilariously sometimes! In the evening we went to a mall where in which I found the shop I’d been wanting to find, MINISO! It is a cute japanese dollar shop in a way and I bought such a haul of merchandise from the Cartoon Network animated show, We Bare Bears, and everyone was so happy for me so that was so sweet :)

Sunday: We went to a big market as a full group and that was a fun time! It was a long street that seemed to go on forever and I tried a bubble pancake which was lovely! This was a nice day of just walking around tbh. 

Monday: We went to the Great Wall of China!! We had to get up early so we could travel there which took 2 hours. It was such a trek but enjoyable! It was such a surreal experience to actually be at the wall, it was a lot more hilly that I thought so it was a hike! It was a really lovely day too! The cable car up to the wall was fun too! After this we all went to the Summer Palace which is basically pretty gardens with a lake! As we got there quite late we couldn’t see the palaces up close but they were beautiful from the outside! A few of us went on a boat ride around the lake which was really fun too.

Tuesday: This was our last day so I met up with my buddy Celia who studied the BA in Animation at UCLAN with me and is now living back at home in a city near to Beijing (2 hours out). We went to the Forbidden City which is massive! It was a beautiful place and we also saw exhibitions of clocks and jewellery during this visit too. After that we got a bus to Wangfujing which is one of the most famous shopping streets in Beijing and it was a really nice area! We went to MINISO and got even more stuff whoops. We then went for Roast Duck which was amazing, it was displayed in the shape of a peony and the desserts we had were lovely too! We then went to the Market I went to the other day which was fun the second time round too! Me and Celia bonded over EXO. And then we went back to the hotel and chilled for a bit as the rest of us were flying back that evening, so I’m glad I got to spend a full day with the lovely Celia and the flight home was fine and we got back early Wednesday morning and the jet lag was so real.

This is quite an informal post about my adventures in China, I’m so happy I got the opportunity to visit there again and it was informative and enjoyable and I hope I get more opportunities to visit more cool places in the future as I’ve had quite a travel centric past few months!

[tonksiefea]

So We Danced|| Philinda

A/N: I have not written things in a long time (Except my little excerpt in the Hot Potato challenge with Strike Team Alpha to help friends) so this may kinda suck! But I enjoyed writing it! Than you the beautiful, perfect, love of my life, best friends @agentsphilinda​ For betaing and being an all around flawless person and encouraging me to write this and for @marvelelle​ for helping with the Chinese. I hope you enjoy your nods! If you want to hear the song that inspired it that’s here!

Summary: Cadet Melinda May and a group of Ops Cadets practice under cover missions in a supposed Hydra bar where they have to learn if the bartender is an Agent of just a man. When Melinda leaves her purse she gets more than she expected.

McLernean’s was either a very obvious cover or a very stupid choice by a civilian. Melinda supposed that someone who wasn’t looking for a Hydra base wouldn’t actually think it was a reference to the Lernean Hydra, and thus the organization. SHIELD, however, was looking for a Hydra base and that made the little bar a big target, though one generally safe enough to be used as a training exercise for ops students at the Academy in field training.

Melinda was watching as most of her ops class tried to hit on the bartender and buy him drinks. The cover was a bachelorette party, the mission was to detect traces of Hydra and ascertain if the bartender was a civilian or an agent of Hydra. Most of the girls seemed to think throwing themselves and their cleavage at the admittedly handsome bartender was the way to do it. Melinda wasn’t convinced and so far the results were less than stellar. She hated undercover and she was not going to flirt with him or try to buy him a drink. Sure he was cute, had nice eyes and his tank top showed off a good set of arms. But Melinda had never been the type to walk up and flirt and he wasn’t responding to that anyway.

She was watching Elle strike out with an abysmally obvious offer to sleep with him and a terrifying implication that she was offering to do so right there. Melinda was pretty sure from the guy’s face he got the same impression. Elle had gotten pretty close actually, at the very least he offered to call her a cab and wait with her for it to come. That was when Melinda got hit with an idea. Subtly she put her purse under her chair and waited for the end of the night when the bar would call its last round.

Eventually patrons started to file out. The six agents in her group had all taken a look around and found little things here and there about Hydra, but still had no traces on the bartender. They all seemed frustrated and some were even overtly upset the cute guy hadn’t picked them. A few seemed to be eyeing her, annoyed she hadn’t tried. She wasn’t going to point out that if he hadn’t responded to their tactics throwing herself at him wouldn’t fare much better. On the way out she broke from the group all headed back to the Academy telling them she had something to do. They all assumed she was meeting a boyfriend and let her go. She had a different plan.

Phil Coulson, doctorate student, was working in a seedy but somewhat respected bar in DC. Sadly studying for a PhD in History did not pay well, so here he was every night and weekend he could spare, working for tips and trying to get through life.  He stood in the middle of the bar sweeping the floor, hoping he could clock out soon. They were finally closed and it had been a crazy night between the two bachelorette parties and some very drunk women hitting on him. More than usual too.

Phil was grateful for the job, he really was. It was the only place that encouraged him to work on his studies and even let him study In in the bar. In fact, as weird as it seemed his slightly creepy boss would sometimes drill him on WWII facts and ask him details about the events Phil loved researching. It was kind of fun and had endeared the guy to Phil, even if the round glasses and white hair and often cold exterior was off putting. He didn’t mind quiet people, they were puzzles and he loved solving them.

When she walked in she looked like a puzzle and he was pretty sure he wanted to solve her. However, he also knew his boss would kill him and he had a paper to work on. “Sorry, but we’re closed.” He said smiling. “I know a pretty good bar near the Smithsonian that might be open though.” He offered smirking. He loved going to those museums and then going for a drink after with friends and drilling facts or debating which part of history was best.

“Thanks, but I’m not here for another drink.” She assured “I actually think I left my purse.” She admitted. Melinda didn’t smile, not often. She smiled when she pranked or when it was earned but for ops it was still hard for her to smile believably.  She hoped her tiny smirk would do for now and it really did. That small smirk was enough for Phil to pause and his heart flopped a bit giving her a smile and pushing up his glasses.

“Oh yeah, I, uhh, I actually found one earlier, I bet it’s probably yours.” He offered walking behind the bar. It didn’t fit her at all. It was pink. She didn’t look pink. She looked Navy blue or grey or silver. The dress she was in now was powder blue and while it looked amazing on her, it just wasn’t right. He had always prided himself on reading people and reading her said she wasn’t really the type to wear what she was wearing. “Were you with one of the bachelorette parties?” He asked making conversation.

“Yeah, my friend’s getting married. They’re very in love, it’s nauseating.” She said smirking. She was thinking of Stefanie and her sci-tech boyfriend Nick. They were the ‘married’ couple tonight and they really were cute if a little over the top about it but that was from actually being madly, sickeningly in love.

He smirked pausing. “You don’t like love?” he asked astonished. That was crazy for him. Who didn’t like love? He wanted to get her a drink. He wanted to get her a bunch of drinks and talk to her for hours. At this point he had to know everything.

Melinda smirked “I like it just fine. But being around it when you’re single can be annoying.” She reasoned and once again he found himself shocked. How on earth was this woman single? “If you like love so much why didn’t you respond to any of those girls trying to get you drinks?” She asked slipping into a stool that was still down. Her feet were killing her.

He smirked and pulled out some glasses. “I was on the clock working and they were drunk. It’d be taking advantage and my mother taught me manners. Scotch?” He offered smiling and trying for charming, but there was a decent chance it ended up a bit more dopy than that. It didn’t matter much though, because that dopey was absolutely perfect for Melinda. She was used to guys being composed and suave and he couldn’t seem to do that. Oh, he was trying, but he wasn’t quite there and it was completely disarming when she was used to agents. They were always composed.

“I thought you were closed.” She countered. She absolutely wasn’t flirting, and if she was giving him a teasing look, well that wasn’t anything to talk about.

Phil shrugged “I never said I’d charge you.” He pointed out pouring them both glasses and sliding one over.

“Oh a bad boy.” She teased lightly taking the drink and not taking a sip quite yet. She’d given him some things, now it was his turn. Besides, she didn’t trust the scotch quite yet, not until she knew for sure. She was pretty sure she had him hook line and sinker.

He laughed loudly at the thought of being conceived as anything like a bad boy. He was the opposite. He was a nerd with a penchant for old tech. “Oh yeah, didn’t you know? Historians are absolutely the bad boys of Academia.” He joked.

“Historian?” she probed. That was exactly what she was looking for!  Information on him and what he knew.

He nodded and pulled out a text book bringing it over. “Yep. I’m a student at George Washington U. Going for a PhD in History. I specialize in World War II Era history.” he said excitedly. “I love those old organizations like Hydra and SHIELD!” He gushed.

She tilted her head and looked him over taking a sip of the drink. He was officially harmless. His face was sheer joy and excitement but bringing that up he was either the best spy ever, or a Civilian and with the way he behaved she was betting civilian. She’d seen traces of Hydra all over but he seemed completely out of it. “Why does a PhD student work here?” She asked before she could think much about it. She didn’t talk, not ever. She wasn’t the talking type, but for some reason hearing him gush excitedly about history sounded like one of the most enjoyable things in the world to her at that moment. She was starting to think she was drunk but she’d only had one sip of scotch.

He laughed. “Grad School doesn’t pay well.” he said simply. “Besides, my boss isn’t so bad. A little weird but he loves it when I talk about my studies into Hydra and SHIELD and some of the important, lesser known facts about the Wars. I’m doing my Thesis on the potential location of Captain America’s body based on his last known mission and the events after.” He explained. “He was really into hearing about that. And Hydra which is weird cause SHIELD is way better!” Phil gushed quickly before realizing he was letting out all of his nerd right onto the most beautiful woman he’d ever met. Why was she here again? How was she still listening to him? Oh Right! “Oh your - your purse.” He said and whirled quickly blushing and digging for the pink bag which confused the hell out of Melinda. He’d been holding her history hostage while all she wanted was to get her purse and go home.

She’d been sitting there amused and gathering the info she needed about what he knew and whether or not he worked for Hydra when suddenly he was pulling back. And what did he mean purse? She didn’t carry purses! Then she remembered she was under cover. “Yeah I need that.” she agreed smirking. “But you’re right, SHIELD is way better.” she said smirking. He was kind of perfect. He was a civilian, knew SHIELD but didn’t know it was still around and he was sweet and awkward and cute. God this was a terrible idea. The look on his face when she said that though was heart melting. He looked like she’d just offered him the world.

Phil couldn’t imagine a better fate. Here was a goddess standing in front of him and she knew SHIELD. She was a dream come true. He looked at the pink bag in his hands and smiled. “I have a condition for you getting this back.” He said holding it away from her as she tried to reach for it. He saw the muscles in her arm and was pretty sure she could rip him in half with very little effort but this time he needed to be brave, for love.

She quirked an eyebrow and crossed her arms under her chest. “Condition?” what condition could that be. She was ready to slap him if he asked for a kiss. He was cute but she wasn’t that easy.

He smiled like she held the stars and nodded proudly. “You have to dance with me.” He said brightly thinking it was the perfect option.

“I don’t dance.” She said flatly. He was asking her for a dance? What kind of old fashioned crazy person was he? He was asking her to dance with him. It was cute. Horrifying but cute.

“You can’t dance?” He asked not believing her for a moment. She was so graceful when she walked and she held herself beautifully. She had to dance. Her walk was a dance.

“No, I said I don’t dance, not that I can’t.” She corrected. “I happen to be a pretty good dancer. I just hate it.” She said simply.

His jaw dropped open for the thousandth time since she’d walked in the door. How could one person surprised him so many times in less than an hour? Had it been less than an hour? He’d lost track of time a while ago. “Who hates dancing! It’s great! You sway and move and there’s music and you get to hold the person you’re with. It's amazing!” He insisted.

“If I dance with you will you stop talking about dancing?” She teased lightly and he nodded excitedly.

“And you get your purse.” He pointed out making her laugh. He loved her laugh. She had the best smile and the most beautiful laugh and her hair looked so soft. He could not wait to dance with her.

Melinda huffed and looked around. “Alright, turn on the music.” She agreed and he instantly set to work putting on a song.

If Melinda was expecting this to be a ploy to cop a feel on her she was completely mistaken. One hand stayed at her waist, the other at her hand and he waltzed her around the floor to a slow jazz song that played from his phone on the counter.

“Still hate dancing?” He asked her smiling as he moved with her not pressed too close but close enough to feel like the luckiest man in the universe being this close to her.

She smiled a little looking into his eyes. This close, being held, she didn’t feel like an agent on a mission. She had gotten her answers, this guy was not Hydra, he was a nerdy college student working on a history degree and being utterly charming while he did it. “Yep.” She insisted and saw him start to pull away and smirked. “But maybe a little less now.” The instant she said that the smile that lit up his face was astonishing and he spun her expertly  before pulling her just a touch closer.

“You really are a great dancer.” He complimented totally lost in holding her and moving. She was amazing to see and as they danced, her long hair brushed his arm just slightly and he’d been right. It was so soft.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” She said smirking and actually enjoying herself for a while. She had to admit being this close to him and seeing him like this she might have been falling for his nerdy, eager charms.

She could hear the song coming to an end and expertly she slipped her hand down just a bit, distracting him as she slid her hand into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. She cursed having very little space to hide anything in her dress but after a final dip and a smile Phil was quick to turn around and hide his blush. He looked cute all red face but it gave her time to slip his wallet into the cleavage of her dress before he handed her her purse. “You should… come back sometime. If you want to.” He offered looking hopeful.

Melinda smiled warmly at him. “I might have to take you up on that.” She said and leaned up kissing his cheek and taking her purse walking out the door and counting in her mind pulling the wallet from her cleavage and looking in it to try to find a business card.

She just found one when he burst from the doors. “Hey did you---” He stopped seeing her smiling standing there pulling something from his wallet. “You took my wallet? How did I not feel that?” He asked totally stunned. He didn’t feel it because he was distracted by the rest of her body being pressed against him but still.

She smirked “It’s my talent.” She said reading the business card in her hand. “Phillip Coulson. It even has a picture and a cell phone number.” She said looking up. “Good thinking Phil.” she said tucking his card in her bra.

“What are you going to do with that?” He asked. He was flirting. Well, he was trying really hard to flirt but there was a picture of him now pressed against her breast and that was definitely not something to think about. He was suddenly glad his actress mother had forced him to put his picture on his business cards.

She smirked looking him over. “The card I keep. The wallet you can get back.” she said and he started to reach for it and she pulled it away. “On one condition.” she said smirking.

He swallowed terrified of what this condition could be. At the same time it seemed like the most amazing thing in the world. She looked like she was going to be very clever and he could not wait. “What’s the condition?” He asked, mouth dry looking in her deep brown eyes totally lost in them.

She smirked “You have to kiss me.” She said simply and his face broke into the widest smile anyone had ever seen.  A beautiful woman was asking to kiss him. It was amazing. Phil wasn’t sure he was able to figure out words at this point so he just nodded and moved in kissing her. It was sweet.  Slow and gentle and learning. Their lips pressed together, hers soft, his a little dry, both tasting of smoke and scotch. His hand tangled in her soft hair and it was just as soft as he thought it would be. One of her hands rested on his bicep squeezing just slightly to feel the slight muscles and he was glad his mother had always instilled a work out routine in him. He deepened the kiss slightly, their tongues meeting awkwardly at first but after a moment finding the perfect rhythm. It was the kind of kiss people wrote songs about, the kind of kiss that defined the world and made fireworks go off. The kind of kiss that, if you’d asked Melinda an hour ago, didn’t exist.

Just like that, it ended and she slipped his wallet back into his pocket slowly letting him feel it this time as her hand basically cupped his ass in his pocket. She smirked, nipping his lip as she drew away and he absently chased her lips wanting more. He was short of breath and she was feeling a little disheveled too.  She smirked up at him loving the look he was giving right now, bewildered and sweet. “See you around-- Phillip.” she said popping the last ‘p’ and walking off with a sway in her hips to her car.

She went to her car SHIELD had provided and took a deep breath to calm down when a call sounded. She picked up the in-car phone and knew she was in trouble. “May.” She greeted to the operator.

“Cadet May, why didn’t you return with the rest of the team?” A gruff and scary voice barked over the comms and she just knew it belonged to a one eyed man.

“I was finishing the mission sir. I got a final answer on the bartender.” She explained  tensely. Her body was still humming from him and she looked out the window seeing him on the phone himself gushing and looking so happy and she smirked. “He’s clean. No ties to Hydra. He’s a history student and other than preferring scotch to taquila he’s innocent.” She explained.

Fury grunted on the phone. “A bit too much information there Cadet.” He said and she blushed glad he couldn’t see her. Of course she’d messed up. Phil was just too damn distracting waving his arms excitedly.

“Sorry sir.” She apologized. “I’m on my way in now.” She said professionally.

Phil watched her get in her car and instantly started dialing. “Hello?” A woman’s voice came over the phone and he smiled so grateful she answered.

“Aunt Peggy? It’s Phil.” he said smiling and really not sure where to go with this. “Remember how you said when you met Steve you knew he was the love of your life?” he asked.

“I remember.” Peggy said sounding amused and so proud. “What’s her name?” She asked.

Phil stopped in his tracks watching her drive and his heart broke. Oh God! He never got her name. “I--I don’t know.” He said sadly and she had a way to contact him but he had no way to get in touch with her. He was ready to give up when he felt a buzz on his ear. “One sec Aunt Peggy.”

Melinda by the way. Good kiss.

Phil smiled and looked at the red tail lights and waved seeing her hand wave back in the shadow of her car. She was perfect.

Finals were murder. Especially at Operations Academy. She was in constant pain as she moved and covering it well. She hadn’t seen Phil in weeks. After the op they had started spending a lot of time together. She visited him at the bar, on campus, at his apartment. They met for dinners. Everything was perfect with him and Melinda May did not believe in perfect. But when she was with him everything was calmer. The world felt like it was balanced, like he was a balance. He was so full of life and love and joy and her total opposite, able to pull her out of her shell. They didn’t dance again, thank God, but they would tease each other constantly and she would play pranks on him, anything to make him laugh.

The last year of being with Phil had been perfect. They had even spent christmas together bundled up under some very thick wool blankets and nothing else for nearly a month when they were both on break. It had been a very good break.

Today she had finished her last final of the semester and they had just celebrated their anniversary. She had been nearly positive he was going to propose on their anniversary. He had been hiding something from her and she had been sure that was it, but their day came and went and while the dinner was lovely and the post dinner celebration was even more so, he hadn’t asked. Today she was going to his bar, not Hydra’s anymore. They had cleared out the Hydra ties and now that it was clear it had new management but they had promised to keep Phil on as a thank you for the work May had done on the mission. She was going to sit with him and have a drink to celebrate being done with finals and having a few weeks to spend with him distracting him as he typed away about Captain America and Bucky Barnes.

When she walked in she instantly noticed something was off. There were no regulars in the bar. In the corner were two women. One looked Distinctly like Peggy Carter, the other looked like an old movie actress, Angela Martinelli. Behind the bar was Phil but he wasn’t in his white tank. He was wearing a Navy Blue button down, no tie, and black slacks. The top two buttons were undone, just enough to see the hint of skin under. He looked practically edible. She looked over seeing her mom and dad and looked back to Phil. The lights were lower than usual and all the tables that usually had beer nuts and spills had table cloths and flowers and candles. “Bàba? Mā?” she asked her parents then looked to him. “Phil what’s--” She knew the answer to her own question but she was was suddenly as scared as she was happy and she didn’t know how to control her emotions for the first time in her life.

Phil walked over to her and smiled taking her hand. “Hey Lin.” He said using the nickname only he ever used for her and only in special moments. He knelt down and took a velvet box out of his shirt pocket. Melinda instantly laughed. He was kneeling. He looked like white a sight down on one knee.

“Phil what are you doing?” She asked. This was why she loved this adorable man so much. He did everything by the book.

He chuckled “I kinda hoped that was obvious but I’ve never done this before.” He admitted and opened the box showing her a beautiful white gold ring with a small diamond. “I know it’s not much but I’ll get you another one once I can afford it. I just really wanted to actually use a ring. I asked your dad for permission.” He started explaining.

Melinda rolled her eyes laughing. “of course you did.” she interrupted teasing.

“Hey I wanted to do this right!” He insisted. “But he told me to ask your mom. I see where you get your scariness from.” He said smiling and making her laugh and nod sniffing a bit. “But talking to her just reminded me how I’m the luckiest man in the world. We met because you were here trying to see if I was secretly evil and I thought you were a drunk girl at a party who left her purse and stole my wallet.” He said and they heard two laughs from the women in the corner and a wolf whistle from one. Phil looked over smirking awkwardly then went back to Melinda while her eyes never left his face. “I knew from then on I wanted to spend my whole life with you. So this is me asking if you want to do that too.” He admitted.

“Say the words!” A british voice prompted from the corner.

Phil huffed and rolled his eyes looking back. “I’m getting there Aunt Peggy just--”

“I’ll only marry you on one condition.” She said quickly before he could finish talking to the Director of SHIELD, that was new and kind of interesting. He’d mentioned Aunt Peggy but she didn’t know he meant Carter.

Phil’s eyes shot to hers and he smirked looking up at her. “Condition?” He asked curiously.

“You have to dance with me.” Melinda said simply.

He chuckled and stood up putting the ring back into his shirt pocket and offering taking her hand gently. “You hate dancing.” He reminded smiling like a crazy person.

“Who hates dancing?” She teased in return and pulled him close as a song started to play and she looked over to see her mother and father at the Juke box turning it on. They swayed to the beat just holding each other.

“So that’s a yes right?” He asked smiling at her and kissing her forehead happily.

She smiled and nodded “Yes, it’s a yes.” She agreed looking up into his eyes with adoration and warmth slipping her hand from his shoulder and into the pocket holding her ring before putting it on and kissing him deeply.

He kissed her back loving every piece of this, holding the woman of his dreams in his arms and kissing her and knowing he was about to marry her. “Oh, even more good news!” He said breaking away from the kiss. “I got a job.” he said brightly.

She smirked and quirked a brow. “Oh really? Where?” she asked curiously.

“SHIELD.” He said simply. “I’m their new World War I and II era consultant. Aunt Peggy pulled some strings. I’m on your team.” he said smirking. She shook her head unable to imagine a more perfect moment.

So They Danced.