#also especially love and relate to like. him being depressed and passively suicidal

[you-have-startled-the-witch]

btw this is a preston garvey love and appreciation blog. if you hate preston you will die by my blade.

MINUTEMAN BLAST

[noxiatoxia]

hi im ur biggesgt fan anwyayi saw that you werre doing headcanons. cani get cinderella and karoug angst headcnaons thank you hhngnnf

thank you for ur stroke I will honor your final wish.

I have a LOT of Kaoru angst headcanons bc I'm a sucker for angst and projection sorry i am cringe but i am free.

So. I will try not to be VERY in depth about them all but I have a big hc that Kaoru has untreated/undiagnosed severe depression that plays into his self-worth issues. He's not actively suicidal but he is passively. like. if i die then that's ok. lol. and maybe he thinks about it sometimes but he'd never do anything if only bc he doesn't want to hurt hikaru. I do have a whole thread I update every now and then talking abt this concept. but the main parts really are. he's super depressed and has no clue how to express this bc he's stuck between being horrible at communicating + not wanting to worry anybody/being a burden so he ends up expressing them thru very cryptic metaphors and then nobody knows what he's saying. hence the carriage thing. (this is me coping with bad writing/hj).

When he's in his depression swings he tends to be very anti social. He doesn't want to eat doesn't want to talk. call him 12 cuz he dozen do anything. he just reads all day bc it's the quickest and easiest way to block out the world. however not moving and not eating makes his depression WORSE and this can really concern hikaru who quickly notices this behavior. thankfully he ends up forcing kaoru to take care of himself which pisses kaoru off for a few minutes until he starts feeling better.

During these episodes also he has a tendency to try and isolate himself from everyone, again bc of the whole self-worth issues. It gets so bad during these moments he thinks he genuinely either is making everyone's lives actively worse or he simply doesn't deserve people so he just tries to cut them off. luckily this never works especially with people like Tamaki or Hikaru because 1. Hikaru would NEVER give up on him ever and 2. Tamaki is the most persistent stubborn man in the world he would never leave Kaoru.

He gets nightmares a lot esp during these depression episodes and he tends not to tell Hikaru about them bc they're always really morbid either about everyone leaving him/him offing himself and he doesn't want Hikaru to worry. Hikaru can always tell something is wrong tho and stick closer to him that day.

Also, when he's upset, Hikaru does everything in the world to try and cheer him up. Try to make him laugh usually. Since Kaoru doesn't like talking about his issues, Hikaru tries his best to make him forget about them. Obviously he'll offer to watch Cinderella with him which if Kaoru refuses then he knows he's REALLY not doing well and then he panics and calls Haruhi for help.

Actually nice segue into the next thing. I assume you mean cinderella HCs relating to Kaoru and not. the actual cinderella property. Which i do sadly have a few headcanons for (i Stockholm syndrome'd myself into liking it) but I'm doing the former since that's what I think you meant.

Kaoru's favorite Cinderella movie is the original disney version, English. He enjoys the Japanese one too but he prefers the original. He says on a objective level the 3rd movie is the best, but the first is his personal favorite. He likes the critically panned 2nd movie and acknowledges it's not that great, but it's still fun and has nice stories and messages.

He has watched nearly all the live action adaptations of the Cinderella fairytale and thinks they're all enjoyable in some way, even if that way is being laughably bad. His favorite character in Cinderella besides Cinderella herself is Gus. he had a crush on the Prince when he was a little kid and a similar but lesser crush on Cinderella herself (bi rights). He can recite all the songs from memory and knows soooo many dumb fun facts. He loves the Cinderella GBA game and has beaten it many times. Him and Hikaru have long arguments over that game because Kaoru thinks it's good and Hikaru thinks it sucks for different reasons (this headcanon is born from the fact I myself have very conflicting opinions on that game that were SO opposite from each other the only way I could adequately express them to my friend was to stage it as an argument between Hikaru and Kaoru I'm not even joking I wish I was.)

The reason he loves Cinderella so much is kinda interesting. When he was a little boy and just learning how to read, a fairytale book in their huge at-home library caught his eye. One of the fairytales in it was Cinderella. He remembered really loving the illustrations, but the issue is, the book was all in English. He was just starting to learn Japanese, let alone English. Determined though, he found an English to Japanese dictionary and translated the whole thing. It took him all day to read that small fairytale and while Hikaru wasn't really paying attention they were inseparable so he just stuck by as Kaoru tried to read this. I guess the amount of effort and pretty illustrations made an impact on his little autistic brain and so he became enamored with the fairy tale. He watched the movie in Japanese and then later in English to help him learn English. The Cinderella movies in English actually really helped him learn the language faster funnily.

Hikaru, while supportive in his cinderella special interest, pokes fun at him for it a lot and soooometimes can get really sick of hearing about it all. the. time. He loves his brother to death but man. just. sometimes he wishes there was a mute button. He lets him ramble usually tho and he finds it silly if not a little endearing most of the time. one time Kaoru found out Renge was a big fairy tale fan and she also liked Cinderella (a normal amount, not like he does) but still they struck up a veeeery long and complex conversation about it that Hikaru was lost in during the first 10 seconds and so he sat with Mori that whole time bc Mori is silent and he just...needed the silence right then and there...

during their birthday one year Hikaru (as a joke) got some Cinderella decorations which embarrassed Kaoru but made him incredibly happy. During the small party Kyoya noted that they had a "Lucifer" plush on the shelf (the cat from cinderella) which prompted Kaoru to go on a 20 minute ramble about how it's actually a rare 1999 run of the plush that he acquired at an auction and he told the whole history of its production line. Kyoya had. a lot to write in his book that day.

ALSO whenever hikaru pisses haruhi off. she goes and buys a discount bluray of a cinderella movies and gives it to kaoru as a gift. bc she KNOWS he will excitedly run home and go "look what haruhi bought for me let's watch it right now!!" and hikaru will have to sit through cinderella once again. and everytime. hikaru knows haruhi is doing this to piss him off. so he makes it a point to act cheerful about it and make kaoru think he's enjoying himself because He Will Not Let Haurhi Win.

ok. ive gone on long enough. my last addition will be said by my kaoru both here:

[antigonewinchester]

ep 5x17, “99 problems,” another decent ep. although there was definitely 1) some editing/pacing issues, didn’t feel like they left enough time for the pastor to really grapple with his daughter having been replaced by the demon of babylon; and 2) the writers sure do love the excuse to call a young woman a whore over and over, huh???


things i did like: dean’s depression, hopelessness, and low key suicidal ideation hits waaaay harder on this rewatch. his whole downward spiral over this season is brutal, but especially from 5x13 onward. when he kills “leah” after we know the demon can only be killed by a servant of heaven and what that implies… and him speeding off to who we assume is michael but is actually lisa made me feel very tender!! i’m fond of lisa as a character & dean’s desire for a family and love for lisa/ben is just a lot more personally relatable on rewatch. maybe this’ll change in s6 but i don’t see dean’s love for lisa as unreal or a projection, it’s definitely there, it’s just not the only thing dean wants. then lisa clearly realizing something is Wrong with dean and his speech being essentially a verbal suicide note, god. (i realize this is 10 seasons of character development later, but this is part of this is why i’m not a big fan of dean’s death in the finale; dean spends a lot of the early seasons being low key suicidal, so to then have him get stabbed and passively accept his death leaves a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth, versus him surviving after “swan song”.)

and then sam’s faith! the evolution of sam’s faith from believing in god & angels (…plus dean) to his faith in humanity & in himself (plus still in dean, despite dean’s own loss of faith) is great character development. and it makes him a cool foil to lucifer; similar but just different enough in the right ways, lucifier’s arrogance versus sam’s learned self-esteem. believing in yourself, loving yourself, you need that move through the world, it’s not all pride. look at dean’s self-destructive sacrifices, right? sam’s faith in free will in particular is just perfect. demons, angels, even somewhat dean, they’re all telling sam in one way or another that free will doesn’t exist, and sam still says “yes it does, because i have faith in it.” the first step towards free will… is having faith in free will!! sam winchester, ladies and gentlemen.

on a bit of a side note, it’s been interesting tracing the “dean is too controlling of sam” through line. it’s definitely there in the early seasons and hits its peak in prob s4 (for complicated reasons, too), but by the end of s4 and through s5, dean is much more detached from sam. then season 5 is all about sam coming into his own. the whole ‘dean emotionally abuses sam/is too controlling of sam’ idea that i’ve seen tossed around… i’m just not seeing it?? it does feel like people can exaggerate dean’s control and sam’s victim status. sam might be the younger brother but he’s also an adult who can & does make his own decisions. again, this could be different in later seasons, but for now dean’s problem is more that he’s too detached & uncommunicative with sam, seems to me.


[chibimyumi]

Kinda personal question but what makes Elisabeth special to you? (Trigger warning) And in your opinion, does it romanticise things like mental illness and suicide? I think that ‘Die Schatten werden länger’ is a pretty apt metaphor for how it feels to have depression and suicidal thoughts (depending on one’s interpretation of what Death is) or to be emotionally abused. I ask about the productions with Furuka Yuta as Rudolf and the recent one with him as Death.

Dear Anon,

‘Elisabeth’ is my ultimate gateway down the rabbit hole of theatre and story-telling. Before ‘Elisabeth’ I was mostly a passive consumer of media, but after, I started to consider mechanisms of story-telling, and saw how different performers can tell different stories using the same script. This taught me how actions (dictated by the script) are just that - actions; and before we can understand a character, we must delve into what the context is of those actions.

Of course, the music is also just phenomenal, and it IS a musical, after all.

TL;DR: But importantly, I love ‘Elisabeth’ because it’s literally written to be a “F*ck you, Hollywood.”

In this post I discussed how ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ managed to save crumbling European cinematic culture. I am very tired of the Hollywood conventions, and ESPECIALLY tired of the glorification of romance. ‘Elisabeth’ subverted both of these stale conventions for me, and I was able to enjoy an alternative to the popular tropes of: “the superhuman lover, the caged bird, lonely at the top” in a new context.

This post will be divided into the following chapters:

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

1.2. Wife- and Motherhood

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

2.2. Depression in children

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

2.4. Deconstructing masculinity

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

3.2. Predatory lover?

4. Conclusion

Trigger Warning: The text below contains mention of depression and suicide.

Romanticising mental illness?

‘Elisabeth’ is admittedly a bit of a problematic fave to me; it does indeed romanticise mental illness. However! Contrary to mainstream conventions, ‘Elisabeth’s does not show that mental illness can be cured because of THE POWER OF LOVE! It unapologetically showcases the destructiveness of mental illness, and how it is a long and painful struggle without promise of success. And that is exactly what a mental illness can be.

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

Elisabeth herself is the clearest example. She was a happy-go-lucky girl who was not destined to become Empress (her sister was), and yet she was chosen as bride by the handsome and young Emperor, Franz I, against his mother’s will. It is the dream many girls are taught to have.

And yet, it was exactly after becoming part of a fairy tale that her life sank into hell. Not just because of Sophie, but also because of her husband. Her husband did not turn out to be ‘a bad guy’ like Hollywood will make you believe is the only reason a relationship will fail. No, Franz was just entirely ignorant towards anything Elisabeth needed. Franz’ failure as lover was not what he ‘did’, but rather, what he ‘did not’. I think it is very important to show how real relationships require compatibility AND hard-work, but that without both, it just won’t work.

1.2. Wife- and motherhood

In conventional media, a woman like Elisabeth’s journey would be to find ‘the love she deserves’, she would still be ‘someone’s romantic interest’, just not Franz’. But in the musical, her arc is preserving and exercising her autonomy, and make the best out of a terrible situation. Women are trapped in patriarchy, and usually there is just no escape. And therefore seeing the strength of a woman who makes the best out of her pain is inspiring, and more relatable.

Usually in media, if the woman is not ‘the wife’, then the way she is strong is her focus on being ‘the mother’. Elisabeth however, was shown to be a terrible mother! She was not callous, she was very loving in fact. But because she had so much going on, she simply did not have extra mental energy to spend on her son. I find it very refreshing that love is simply not enough to make human-relations work, whether it’s romantic or familial relationships. Saying that somebody fails in a relationship ‘because you don’t love x enough’ is shortsighted and backwards.

It is breathtaking for me to see a narrative that solely focused on a woman’s struggles without the romance, and without the shackles of motherhood. No, she was struggling because she could not be a person.

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

I also absolutely love how Elisabeth is not an idol that we are supposed to learn from. It’s not: “women! Look at this woman and [be/don’t be] this woman!!”. No, ‘Elisabeth’ leaves its viewer alone, and does not try to impose onto any ‘how to be a woman’.

We are simply supposed to see her life, and sympathise with her as human. The story never justifies her shortcomings, and never glorifies her as the fairy tale Empress ‘die Junge Kaiserin’ would have you believe.

‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does not treat its audience as people that must be educated; instead it assumes the audience has a mind of its own, and can participate in the story as Elisabeth’s peer.

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

Rudolf’s arc is likewise one wherein his mental illness is not ‘magically cured by romance’. The historic Rudolf was married and he was VERY unhappy in his marriage. However, his unhappy marriage was not the cause of his depression, nor did it really matter that much in making it worse. Rudolf did have a lover (Mary Vetsera), and they loved each other deeply. However, that was not enough to make his mental illness bearable for him.

This forbidden-love part of Rudolf’s life was so insignificant to his depression, that the writers left it out entirely in ‘Elisabeth das Musical’, and his arc was still perfectly round without it.

2.2. Depression in children

‘Elisabeth’ is an excellent example of how depression is not limited to certain groups of people; anyone can be haunted by it. Rudolf is able bodied, white, wealthy, the crown prince of an Empire, intelligent, etc. etc. And yet he had crippling depression, and it is NOT because he was whiny within privilege.

Just like with his mother, Rudolf is also not an idol we’re supposed to imitate. However, we are supposed to learn from seeing him. We first meet Rudolf as a young child, and because he was not given any help, his depression escalated into suicidal depression later on. Many people either don’t believe that children can be depressed, or simply don’t take it seriously. Rudolf however, shows everyone how depression can in fact destroy the lives of children, not unlike adults. Even better; he is a historic character who actually existed. Good luck denying that!

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

As discussed above, Rudolf’s struggle has nothing to do with romance, but crushing expectations. As Furukawa explained in this interview: “When Rudolf finally figured out what he wanted to do, he was faced with his country sinking into crisis. He was stuck in the situation where he did not have the power to say anything, and yet had the status wherein everyone expected him to act for the benefit of the state. If he did not act he would be a neglectful man, unworthy of the title of ‘crown prince’, but if he did act for the benefit of the state, he would be a rebel.”

I think it is very refreshing too that despite all the good qualities Rudolf has (2.2.), he simply could not live up to the crushing expectations. It is very important to see how failure is often not the inability of the person, but that too much was expected of ONE human being to begin with.

2.4. Deconstructing toxic masculinity

Rudolf performs a very refreshing form of masculinity that is a departure from Hollywood’s ‘male hero’ model. His entire character is centered on his vulnerability, but he is NEVER portrayed as the loser. Instead, we see a man admitting his vulnerability and looking his depression in the eyes, and never being ashamed of it. He never blames himself for ‘not being man enough’ to live up to social expectations. Instead of “becoming a proper man!!” Rudolf knows that what he needs is compassion, a person he can talk to (his mother), and a fucking break.

Death is almost always without exception ‘punishment’ in stories. However, with Rudolf there were clearly external factors that have nothing to do with his supposed inaptness. The perpetrator was active in the sense that LITERAL Death manipulating him into committing suicide. Rudolf was a victim instead of someone punished for a “sin of not being man enough”.

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

I am very tired of the good vs evil dichotomous story telling of Hollywood. Another thing I love about this musical is how it is entirely ambiguous who the villain is. It’s easy to point at Der Tod, but is he really the villain?

The script of this ingenious musical is written so freely that depending on the performers/director, the villain is either ambiguous, or non-existent, WITHOUT the story being vague. Depending on the actor of Der Tod, he is either an actual entity who governs over life and death, or the product of one’s imagination.

3.2. Predatory lover?

Der Tod’s existence and his pursuit of Elisabeth’s ‘love’ is the main factor that plays in saying “‘Elisabeth’ romanticises mental illness”. But depending on how the performers of Elisabeth and Der Tod interpret these roles, the story either becomes:

a toxic romance that is self-aware of its toxicity,

or like how Furukawa Yuta and Manaki Reika in 2019 managed, into a heroic tale of preserverence and a battle of wits.

Most importantly, in (most) non-Takarazuka versions, after Elisabeth dies, she is not there anymore to ‘reciprocate’ Der Tod’s feelings. She is just gone. Only in the Takarazuka version (I believe) does she enter the Underworld and actively becomes Der Tod’s lover.

So outside Takarazuka’s version, Der Tod is never rewarded with ‘a lover’; he simply gets his prey as a predator. Whether this ‘predator’ is a lover however, is again up to interpretation. But otherwise, death getting a mortal is just a very natural phenomenon, not victory as Furukawa puts it.

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, yes, ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does have many elements that may qualify it as ‘a romanticisation of mental illness’, but ultimately I think it is not just that simple.

We must consider what the message is that the musical sends, and it is NOT: “because Elisabeth/Rudolf are mentally ill, they embark on an epic journey.” If anything, the musical makes very clear that the mental illnesses of Elisabeth and her son are the main culprit that MAKES them miserable, and that Der Tod is the personification thereof, hence his predatory nature. In ‘Elisabeth’, mental illness ‘preys’ on its victims.

The romanticisation mostly (though not solely) comes from the consumers, because we are conditioned to read stories like ‘Elisabeth’ as a romance.

We see a man (???) claiming to love a woman, and he chases her and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He goes through extreme means to impress her, and the story even comes with a ‘love rival’ (Franz).

We see a woman ‘yearning’ for something, and that something can only be given by Der Tod, and finally she does find peace when she is with him.

But, we must pay attention to what Elisabeth says when she is dead. It is not: “I’ve been looking for true love, and now I found it,” or “I wanted freedom, and you’ve been kindly offering it to me, but I was too foolish to accept earlier.” No, the very last thing she sings is:

“I have cried, laughed, been disheartened and I have prayed. There had been days where I tasted defeat in my senseless battle.Regardless, I have entrusted my life to myself alone!”

“Winning Elisabeth’s love” is the term Der Tod set without Elisabeth having any say in it. The term she set for herself is staying true to herself and not giving up; which she NEVER did. As such, THAT ⇈ was Elisabeth claiming victory of always having stayed true to herself, and it has NOTHING to do with Der Tod. She does not need Der Tod, she simply needed freedom.

[rutilation]

Listen, they’re not evil. They just lack empathy, and go into a dissociative state and commit atrocities.

As much as it pains me to do so, I’m going to start off by talking about the bastard himself.  I must say, believing that rage and misery is the inevitable endpoint of a person’s life is an awfully convenient belief for Aechmea to hold when his plan would end all sentient life as collateral damage. If all your victims are better off dead anyway, then your actions don’t warrant any guilt!

There’s a little moment in chapter 67 that has always stuck out to me as being representative of Aechmea’s character, and I think it’s especially relevant to this chapter. It’s the part in which Cairngorm is trying to argue that it’s in Aechmea’s best interest to keep Phos as mentally stable as possible since they’re his staunchest ally amongst the gems. My reaction upon reading that line was that their appraisal of Aechmea’s intentions was very naïve.  To the contrary, the more unstable Phos becomes, the easier it is for Aechmea to manipulate them.  At this point in the narrative, Phos is no longer carefully treading through negotiations with Aechmea, as they were in volume eight and the beginning of volume nine; they’re now doing exactly what he wants, with gusto, and no thought to the long term consequences.  This is entirely deliberate on Aechmea’s part, and indeed, in the very same chapter that Cairngorm brought this up, Aechmea pulled the same trick on them.  He made Cairn feel cornered and desperate, presented himself as the sole solution to their problem, and thus Cairn went from being deeply suspicious of Aechmea to…still being deeply suspicious of Aechmea, tbh, but burying it under an ironclad sense of denial.  This chapter even contains a callback to chapter 67:  Both here and there, Phos/Cairn is broken and despondent, Aechmea is looming over them, and they reach out to weakly cling to his hand.

He asks Barbata to “handle” Phos’s memories of the past two hundred years.  That’s an ambiguous line if I’ve ever heard one.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but Phos shouldn’t have memories of the past two hundred years, right?  I’m not sure if this is implying that he wants Barbata to implant false memories within Phos of the past two hundred twenty years, or—heaven forbid—if he’s implying that Phos actually has memories of the timeskip, and that he wants Barbata to make sure Phos doesn’t lose any of them.  If it’s the latter, that would suggest that Phos has, somehow, been conscious this whole time (holy shit,) and that Aechmea doesn’t want Phos to be able to move past those memories.  Regardless of what he’s referring to though, the sentiment behind his cryptic order is clear: now that he’s molded Phos into something he can easily control, he’s taking pains to ensure that they’re stuck in their current incarnation, so that they don’t evolve ever again.  It brings to my mind this scene in chapter 54, in which Aechmea all but fetishizes Phos’s capacity for change.  It was already pretty creepy, but knowing that this is what he intended for Phos to change into adds another layer of wrongness to that exchange.

It’s interesting that just a couple chapters ago, Phos was screaming at Kongou “If only you weren’t here!”   But here, the sentiment has completely inverted, and Phos is weeping as they say that Kongou is the only one who still cares for them, and that it’s the gems who shouldn’t be here.  In only a few short hours, they’ve gone from directing all their hatred at Kongou, to directing it at everyone except him.  Their rage is unformed and all over the place.  Good thing Aechmea’s here to refine it to his own ends!

Aechmea says that he’ll answer Cairngorm’s question “when this is all over.”  That could imply a couple of different things, depending on what he means by that.  If he means he’ll tell Cairn after he’s finished dealing with Phos for this chapter, then that’s one thing.  But, if by ‘all over’ he means that he’s not going to say anything until Kongou successfully prays, and his victory is assured--as with the previous secret he was keeping from Cairngorm, then that implies that whatever he was alluding to when he said he had loved Cairngorm since before they came to the moon, it’s probably something awful.

If you’ve been following my essays for a while, you’ll know that I’ve long suspected that some sort of Cairn-related plot twist will rear its ugly head at some point in the near future, and that mind-control eyeballs were perhaps only the tip of the iceberg.  Well, after nearly a year of deliberation, I’ve settled on my personal theory of what this plot twist could be, but it’s far outside the scope of an essay focused on a single chapter, so I’m going to post my thoughts on that in another essay sometime in the coming weeks.  Keep an eye out for it if you want to see me go fully and embarrassingly tinfoil hat.  (With my luck, chapter 83 is going to reveal what Aechmea meant by his cryptic statement before I get that essay done, and it’s going to be something banal, thus ruining my precious conspiracy theory.)

But enough about cornmeal and acne man, let’s talk about the trajectory Phos seems to be on, and also about Cinnabar.

For quite a while now, it’s been a pretty popular theory that Cinnabar will eventually kill Phos with their mercury, and it does feel like things could head in that direction.  Phos is so far gone that they’re willing to kill anyone in their path, and in so much pain that their death could be construed as a mercy.  And since they can best Bort in a fight, it would seem that Cinnabar’s mercury is the only thing that could actually stop them, especially since it could chemically bind to their alloy and poison Phos from the inside out.  To be perfectly honest though, something about this potential course of events has always rubbed me the wrong way, but until this chapter, I hadn’t been able to pinpoint exactly what it was I didn’t like.  

The whole story was started because Phos thought Cinnabar deserved better than their miserable lot in life.  At no point did Phos, or the narrative for that matter, ever suggest that it would be for the best if Cinnabar were simply put out of their misery.  Their plight warranted not just a release from pain, but a better life to replace it.  And as they are now, Cinnabar probably doesn’t want to die anymore, and I imagine they’re glad they didn’t go through with their passive attempt at suicide.  (Come to think of it, I think they’re the sole character who’s moved away from being suicidally depressed over the course of the story, instead of gradually succumbing to it.)  So, now that the shoe is thoroughly on the other foot, and Phos is the one at rock bottom, it would leave a really bad taste in my mouth if Cinnabar’s response to Phos’s pain ends up being: “Yeah, you should die.”  

So, although the plot is probably going maneuver Cinnabar into a situation in which they have to decide whether or not to kill Phos, I hope that it’s ultimately in service of that not coming to pass.  

Speaking of Cinnabar, I really hope we finally get more insight into them in these coming chapters. Broadly speaking, more stuff has happened with them the past twenty or so chapters than most of the rest of the series.  Their whole life was upended, they (seemingly) made a friend in Bort, and they’re finally making choices that affect the plot, which hasn’t really happened since volume two.  But, despite all this, we don’t really know what they’re actually thinking, of what emotions they’ve been going through.  You can make some inferences, but that’s not really as affecting as experiencing their perspective firsthand, and I think that’s why people get the impression that they’ve been made irrelevant to the story, despite the fact that they’ve been contributing to the plot lately.  So, hopefully we’ll finally get some further elaboration on them in the near future; I think it would remedy the issue quite a bit.

I’ve been thinking lately that what Cinnabar did to Phos in this arc is kind of a grim mirror of how Phos’s desire to help Cinnabar became muddied over the course of the story.  I don’t believe that Cinnabar was acting out of malice in chapter 78 when they suggested burying Phos in pieces.  If they genuinely wanted Phos dead, they could have encouraged the earth gems to go along with Rutile’s murderous impulses, instead of coming up with a plan in which Phos might come back eventually—certainly no one else in that scene, sans Euclase, voiced any objection to Rutile’s idea, and if Cinnabar hadn’t spoken up, they all might have gone along with it.  I think it’s quite possible that they were attempting to protect Phos by trying to appease the other gems’ enmity in a way that wouldn’t bring Phos permanent harm.  

But, just like how Phos’s ever-shifting goalposts pushed Cinnabar to the back of their mind over the course of the story, it’s possible that their new life among the gems had the same effect on Cinnabar.  Thus, in their mind, Phos was relegated to an important but altogether distant obligation that they’d deal with later, when the time was right.  But since these are gems we’re talking about, the time is never right, and complicated problems like these never get dealt with.  And just like how it was cruel and thoughtless when Phos put Cinnabar on the backburner, it’s cruel here too—especially if, as I speculated earlier, Phos was somehow awake this whole time.

Because I am a sentimental sap who still has a little bit of hope for a bittersweet ending instead of a complete tragedy, I think that Cinnabar might actually be a wild card in this situation, one who has the potential to save Phos from themselves.  (I’m sorry.  I can’t help myself.  My mind is stuck in power-of-friendship mode, and it’ll probably stay there until Ichikawa beats the idealism out of me, just like she beat it out of Phos.)  Keeping in mind what things Aechmea has been able to deduce either through direct observation through Phos’s eye, or what might have been reported to him from any Lunarians returning from an attack on earth, he doesn’t have enough information to figure out that Phos had a strong connection to Cinnabar.  Although he’s confident now that Phos has no ties to anything they once loved, and is wholly dependent on him, the previous chapter shows that Cinnabar still means something to Phos, even in this state.  Since all of this exists in a blind spot for Aechmea, I think it has the potential to muck up his plans—if Ichikawa deigns it to be so, of course.

Now let’s talk about symbolism, because there’s a lot of it.  First off, I want to talk about a pattern I noticed regarding Phos’s changes, one which I discussed in the very first meta I wrote for the series.  At the time, I speculated that the title of the art book, Pseudomorph of Love, was hinting at this pattern, but when the artbook was translated later courtesy of @red-dia, it turns out that said title was alluding to something totally different. Nevertheless, I think I may have inadvertently stumbled onto a method regarding Phos’s changes that seems too consistent to not be deliberate, and I’ll reiterate it here:  With the very notable exception of the pearl eye, down to even the most minor of losses, every permanent loss and addition to Phos’s body has been tied to an attempted act of kindness.  Specifically, Phos loses parts when trying to do something altruistic, and they are given new parts out of kindness on another characters part.

They had to have contaminated parts of their body scraped away after trying to save Cinnabar from falling.

They lost their legs while trying to help Ventricosus return home, and gained the new legs because of an act of kindness on her part.

Although the ice flows initially tried tempting Phos into giving up their arms by reflecting their self-loathing, it was only when they frightened Phos with the idea that Cinnabar might kill themselves if Phos doesn’t change quickly enough that they accidentally-on-purpose lost their arms.  While Antarc initially dismissed the gold they ended up giving to Phos as useless, they changed their tune when they noticed Phos projecting their own low self-esteem onto the gold.  To me, it seems like the act of giving Phos the gold was their way of telling Phos that they’re not worthless.

They lost a bunch of small pieces while trying to save Antarcticite

They lost their head while trying to save Cairn’s arm.  And then Cairn... uh…  Let’s put a pin in that for now, and come back to it when their character arc has progressed a bit further.  The element of mind control eyeballs that may or may not even be real makes the situation a bit more fraught than I care to get into right this very second.

They lost Lapis’s hair while shielding Morga and Goshe from the Lunarians.

They gave away a piece of their leg so the Admirabilis would know they weren’t holding a grudge against Ventricosus

With that established, let’s talk about the pearl eye.  The moment they received it was practically an inverse of the established pattern. It was a transformation motivated by spite on Phos’s part, and for Aechmea, it was an opportunity to exert control over them.  Even the act of receiving the pearl eye made them sick, mysterious human particles notwithstanding.  The ensuing chapters after they received the pearl eye are, as I’m sure you’re all aware, a whole lot darker and meaner than what the story had been up to that point. If I had to draw a dividing line between the part of hnk that is simply melancholy, and the part that makes the reader feel like a frog in boiling water, I’d use Phos’s first trip to the moon to demarcate these two tones—and the symbol that heralded this descent into hell was the introduction of an unkind addition to Phos’s body.  

That brings us to the matter of their most recent loss.  Since it’s now apparent that they won’t be getting their other parts back, we can look back on the moment they lost those parts for good and see if it fits the previous pattern, and in my opinion, it does.  The reason Phos was in that situation was because they were making a last ditch effort to do right by everyone else, and take responsibility for their mistakes.  It was at this point that they mustered up the last bit of kindness and courage they still had in their heart.

But the loss of a given part is only one half of the equation, which begs the question: with what sentiment will Barbata give Phos their replacements?  Barbata has subtly given off the impression that he feels guilty about his role in the various atrocities the Lunarians have undertaken, and is disillusioned with Aechmea, but is as of yet unwilling to actually go against him.  If there’s ever going to be a point in the story in which he decides to do the right thing instead of just following orders, it’s now or never.  I’m counting on you, pasta man.  Follow your conscience for once!  Either way, whether Phos’s reconstruction ends up being an act of kindness on Barbata’s part, or simply another expression of Aechmea’s corruption is, in my opinion, a crucial distinction that will have ramifications for the future of Phos’s character arc.  Speaking of which, it now seems like Red Diamond is the most likely candidate for a replacement, since Padparadscha is busy being asleep on earth.

I’ve talked about how a character’s eyeballs and where they got them from symbolizes their worldview, broadly speaking.  This chapter seems to be a continuation of that.  Kongou shaped the gems’ worldview, which is symbolized by him giving them their eyes, Cairngorm’s devotion to Aechmea is accompanied by them adopting eyes that Aechmea made for them, during the time that Phos was trying to balance the needs of both the gems and the Lunarians, they had an eye from both Kongou and Aechmea, and now that Phos only has the single pearl eye left, they’re thinking with a one-track mind from a distinctly Lunarian perspective: that everything that gets in the way of their salvation needs to die.

I also find it interesting that Phos’s original material is mostly intact, and what they’ve lost are chunks of their legs and head.  It probably symbolizes something, but my brain is starting to leak out of my ears at this point, so I’m just going to remember it for later and see if the meaning becomes clearer in retrospect.

Regarding Phos’s alloy shaping itself into a lotus’s seedpod, my first reaction was that it was a rather ambivalent symbol to use in the context of Phos’s downfall.  On one hand, the seedpod only appears when the highly symbolic flower dies, but on the other hand, while the flower is the part of the plant to which a number of cultures have ascribed auspicious meanings like purity and renewal, it is the humble, unsightly seedpod that goes about the actual business of rebirth.  

But, as @rinboz pointed out in a post on the subject, it appears to be specifically evoking the image of an empty seedpod.  If that’s what Ichikawa is going for, then the meaning is unambiguously ominous, to put it mildly.

Lastly, I brought up in my previous essay that it was highly convenient that Phos happened to trip off the table at the last possible second, and in a manner so noisy that it woke the other gems, no less.  In this chapter, Phos lays the blame for their failure on the earth gems interfering… but that only happened because Phos made a racket.  I speculated that they may have subconsciously sabotaged themselves—it certainly wouldn’t be the first time.  I don’t know how likely that possibility is, but I think it’s one worth keeping in mind.

Well, that was heavy. But on a lighter note, I think it may be time for me to update the only good meta I’ve ever written, birdseki no kuni.  What should Phos 4.0 be?  I think this feral demigod of vengeance ought to be represented by a real apeshit bird, like an Australian magpie, or something.  This will require further deliberation.

[thatssomental-blog]

Too Coward for the "Coward's Way Out": Living with Passive Suicidal Ideation

TW: This article may be hard for some to read, but is intended to assist others who may be dealing with passive, or active, suicidal ideations. The following text contains details of suicidal thoughts (without intent) and mentions self harm (briefly, and without detail), in addition to depression and it’s relationship with suicidal thoughts. 

So many people label suicide as the “coward’s way out”. If that’s true, then why is it that I feel like a coward because I could never follow through? Passive suicidal ideation is defined as wishing you were dead or that you could die, but having no intention to take your own life. Whereas, active suicidal ideation means one is not only struggling with these thoughts, but may have full intention, or a plan already in place, to take their own life. Passive suicidal ideation is still a risk factor among patients with depression and suicidal thoughts, and just because you are not planning your great escape from this world now, doesn’t mean you should skip out on your therapy sessions. All that being said, it is very real, your thoughts are just as valid, and you are not alone in feeling the way that you do.

Before I continue, I would like to specify that “wishing you were dead or that you could die” isn’t a reference to how you feel waking up in the morning, before you reluctantly drag yourself to work/school, it is in reference to a very real, deep desire to stop living, that may come or go, or may stay with you incessantly, even on your best days when everything seems hunky-dory. I am specifying this, because as someone who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the mental illnesses that myself and others suffer through daily are not meant to be #relatable, just because you like things neatly organized or hate your job/school.

My own struggle with suicidal thoughts is a plague that I can't seem to get rid of. I suffered from them long before I even knew what suicide truly was. I was about 14 when the first thought came along, and I clearly remember it. I was putting away the clean dishes and took a knife from the dishwasher. I stood there for about five minutes straight, just staring at it, and thinking that I could just slash my wrist open and the numbness I’d been feeling for weeks would all go away. I scared myself with that thought, put the knife away, and didn’t do it; I couldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t have done it. I can’t remember any other thoughts as vividly as that single instance, but sometimes they were there, and sometimes they weren’t, and every time I had them I could never bring myself to act on them.

Health care is necessary for a healthy life. In the US healthcare is expensive, whether you have coverage or not. Health Insurance, especially with Mental Health included, is hard to come by. Even if you’re one of the “lucky” ones that manages to land a job that provides it, a good plan for yourself, not to mention a whole family, can easily eat up what little bit of wages you work for, and have to live off of. In the past several years, life has been difficult for me, though it was mostly adjusting to living the independent life, learning how to pay bills, and learning how to take care of myself. Despite all of the challenges and obstacles I’ve faced in that time, I was doing pretty well. Even through the trauma of sudden death, which my family is not equipped to handle, I managed. Within the past eight months, I attempted to better my situation by leaving a toxic work environment and moving on to something new. Unfortunately, by choosing to leave that job I also left what little health coverage I had, and since have had to move on to even worse challenges and obstacles, all with untreated, depression, anxiety, body and gender dysphoria, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If you’ve never been through that, I’ll tell you right now that it is hell, and as petty as I am, I wouldn’t wish anything I’ve been through on my worst enemies.

Factoring in all of the above, with the soul crushing feeling that your whole life and all of your freedom is crashing down around you, like an imploding dumpster fire, it really adds up. In my last few months before moving back home with Mom and Dad, something none of us want to do even if we love our parents with a fiery passion, I was at rock bottom. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but the bare minimum, which made moving day tougher than it already was, and left me feeling hopeless and drained of life. I would lay on my couch for hours, wrapped in a blanket, staring at the wall with an empty mind and heavy heart, it was the worst I had ever been, and I allowed myself to wallow in it, only making it worse.

Even now that I am home, and surrounded by the love of my family, I frequently wish I was dead. I don’t think such things only when everything is going wrong in my life, but the harder times get the more I just want all the pain to go away. I think of scenarios in which I could put myself out of my misery. I own a gun, I have access to others, and medications, not to mention every knife in the block or kitchen drawer that could easily end all of my suffering. But, why is it that despite my desires to no longer deal with life's stresses, my battle with my seemingly, ever changing, gender identity, and my unbridled hatred for the world we live in and the multitude or horrible people in it, do I refrain? Why, when it seems like the only option for peace of mind and escape from the emotions I can’t control, can I not do it? Why, when I wish for the calming embrace of death, do I fear strangers who could kill me in cold blood? Why, if I want to die, did I seek medical attention, without any health coverage, and go to the ER when I legitimately thought I was dying?

Fear of the unknown. I was raised in the Christian faith from a very young age, and was even baptized twice. My mother was raised within that same faith, and my father is an atheist. Despite my current pagan-leaning/agnostic dogma, there is a fear bread into me from childhood that I will burn in hell. Since becoming “woke”, so to say, I have completely denounced the Christian god for what he is. Despite my genuine certainty that this god does not exist, and if he does, he’s actually quite a terrible deity, because of how I was raised, I will more than likely carry that fear of denouncing him and burning in hell with me, for the rest of my life. Religion aside, and taking things from an atheistic perspective, maybe I’m just going into a hole in the ground when I die, but the thought of everything being black forever is also terrifying for me. Even though I am aware that, in this scenario, I will literally not be conscious of my own death, it is almost impossible for me to wrap my head around it, and as someone who has exhibited a very present case of FOMO all of their life, that just doesn’t fly with me. Regardless of whether we go to sit at Odin’s table in Valhalla, or up to a magic golden kingdom in the clouds where everyone is happy and wants for nothing, or we just literally kill over like a toy with dead batteries, no one actually knows until they actually die.

Fear of failure. I have had a very hard time succeeding at pretty much everything I’ve tried in life. No matter what I do, I never feel like the product is good enough. I am my own worst critic, and, on top of that, I am a rage-quitter. If I am not instantly or naturally good at something, I get bent out of shape when I mess it up, maybe I cry, then I quit, and I move on. (Though that statement doesn’t apply to absolutely everything, it applies to a pretty big chunk of things.) One of the greatest fears that keeps me from “attempting” is knowing that if I mess up, I may not recover. Some people are saved at the last minute, and depending on what you’ve done to yourself, sometimes the wounds or the manner in which you’ve attempted will mend. However, if some things are done incorrectly, i.e. putting a bullet in your brain, or a fall that just wasn’t quite big enough to kill you, you may still survive, but there could be permanent consequences such as brain damage, loss of mobility, etc. I’m sure you catch my drift. I suppose this also technically falls under fear of the unknown, because you never truly know what’s going to happen until it does. Sometimes you just have to stop and ask yourself, would you rather be depressed and fully functional to the best of your capabilities? Or depresses and handicapped, and therefore, with your anxious/depressed brain, if it works anything like mine, an even heavier burden on those around you?

Forcing others to suffer. I am very lucky to have an amazing family that is full of love. Even for those of us living a life that others may not agree with, disowning and/or not loving one another is not in our vocabulary. I am very close to my mother and my grandmother, and it would devastate them beyond comprehension. That used to be my only line of thinking, however things have happened and times have changed. Less than two years ago, we buried my grandmother’s youngest child, my mother’s youngest sister, and one of my best friends, who was more like my sister than my aunt, along with her unborn son. Even if I intended to follow through on my own suicidal thoughts, and even excluding the above reasons, I could never force my mother to bury her only child, or my grandmother to bury another grandchild. I also have an amazing SO and friends who would at least be a little devastated, as well.

I just can’t. Ignoring every other reason I have included, I just can’t do it. Despite my fear of death, failure, and hurting those I love most, I just don’t have it in me. It’s not the pain that I worry about, one could easily swallow a bunch of sleeping pills and hope to not wake up, and as much as I hate to admit it, I have physically self harmed before, way back in my teen years. I don’t know how else to explain it, other than I just can’t. I have a huge fear of missing out, if I don’t know all the details of something it will drive me nuts, and I hate surprises. Despite how great it would be to just not have to worry, and despite how hopeless I feel, there is a part of me that knows something better is coming. If I were to take my own life, there are countless things I would miss out on, things I’ve always wanted and things that I may not even know that I want yet. The future is a mystery, and I’ll never find out what it holds if I don’t have one.

Do those things make my suicidal thoughts invalid? No, and though your reasons behind your lack/full intent may differ from mine, they do not make yours any less valid, either.

I am by no means encouraging suicide, though if you ever lose your battle just know that I will never call you a coward when you’re gone. Suicide is the final side-effect of losing your battle with a very real illness, one that may not be visible to even those closest to you.

My parting wisdom is this: Whether you intend to follow through on your suicidal ideations or not, if you take your own life, you will never be around to see it get better. I know it seems hopeless, I personally feel hopeless about 95% of the time, and I know that sometimes it seems like the only escape from not only the world, but your own mind. I really do. I know it hurts, and even if I don’t know what you’re going through, or how you feel, perseverance is the answer, not death. If you are strong enough to make it this far, through all the grief and torment and suffering, then you are strong enough to build your own future. Please don’t take that away from yourself, no matter how much you may want to.

If you, or someone you love is feeling suicidal, please check thatssomental.tumblr.com/resources for a list of suicide and mental help phone lines, chats, and websites.

©thatssomental.tumblr.com 2019

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Naruto and Death Note Matchup Request

Name: Corethra (or Corey for short)

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

Occupation: Hand Packer at an ice cream factory

Zodiac Sign: Pisces

MBTI Type: INFJ

Race/Ethnicity: African-American

Height: 4'11

Body Type/Shape: Average with some curves here and there. I’m pretty small because of my height.

Hair Color/Style: Black and naturally curly but I keep it relaxed and flat-ironed so it’s straight. It’s long and goes down to just below my shoulder blades.

Glasses or No?: Yes I wear glasses

Eye Color: Brown

Hobbies/Interests: Video games, reading, writing, anime, internet surfing, listening to music, politics (sometimes), watching movies/TV shows, basically being an overall nerd

Personality: At first glance, I seem quiet and keep to myself, only speaking when I need to or when I’m spoken to. I’m an anti-social introvert to the fullest. When I get comfortable enough in whatever environment I’m in, I start to open up bit by bit. I’m a tomboy and pretty rough-minded. I’m very sassy, have a smart and witty mouth if not humorous and outrageous at times, can be borderline rude, and I’m more sensitive than I care to be. I can literally cry at someone’s suffering especially if it’s someone I’m close to.

Many of my friends say that I’m very sweet and kind which I usually am if I’m in a good mood as well as affectionate as hell. Hugs and pet names galore with me! However only my friends and family see that side of me. My language is often unfiltered, harsh, and blunt which shocks people because they think I’m a pure angel. I say what I want when I want and no one tells me otherwise. If they do, they can expect a mouthful from me.

I have many pet peeves and I get annoyed easily in general. I’m also slowly embracing misanthropy. I’m practically zero tolerance when it comes to bullshit. I hate confrontation but I’m starting to work on it so I can be less passive-aggressive. I also wish to stand up for myself more often than I should so people won’t think that I’m weak and an easy target. I’m pretty cynical which is to be expected and usually expect the worst from people. When someone angers me, I will either just withdraw altogether and completely cut them off or get in their face and go off before doing the former. I’m the “hold my anger in and release it all at once” type but I hope to change that one day. I can be quite petty and even cold as well and if someone wrongs me, they will have to make the first move to mend fences.

I have issues with trust and a wild imagination to boot. I usually trust my instincts and can see right through bullshit. I don’t like taking risks and I have to know all the details and be organized as hell when I do something so I don’t mess up and look like an idiot. I haven’t been in a relationship yet and am still a virgin due to my issues with trust and not wanting to be hurt or humiliated. I expect a lot from people although I’m pretty laid-back and a bit lazy most of the time which allows me to also take a lot of shit from people too before I eventually say “fuck it”.

Many people praise me for my intelligence which is fitting since I’m an intellectual. My ideals and beliefs are rather odd to say the least (I’m a classical liberal/independent and despise most ideologies/ideas. This includes religion, feminism, social justice, traditionalism, statism, big government, nationalism, socialism/communism, etc.) and I feel misunderstood because of it (mostly because of the black community ostracizing me). I am indeed a rebel, open-minded, and a free thinker. No one tells me how to think or feel or else they face my wrath. I am definitely an outcast at heart. Before I give my opinion on something, I like to do as much research as possible before coming to my own conclusion. I don’t mind discussing things but I prefer logic over emotion when doing so which makes it damn near impossible these days for me to have an real conversation without insults and threats being thrown (usually towards me). Chances are I’m gonna find something wrong with damn near anything someone believes in or says and I’m not afraid to call it out when I see it.

I’m currently battling depression and often experience many symptoms including suicidal thoughts. I also suffer from iron-deficiency anemia and irregular periods. These things are pretty annoying and humiliating for me to deal with whenever they pop up.

Overall, I’m pretty crazy and a handful to deal with. Good luck matching me up with someone :P

NARUTO

I ship you with...CHOJI!

He’s always calm and tempered, knows how to read the mood and how to temper a situation, so if you ever get pissed off at something or someone, he will be there to help you out.

He is a food lover through and through so he will make sure that you are taking care of yourself, like eating regularly, staying hydrated, going out and so on.

Of course, since he always carries food with him, he will share his crisps with you if you ask him that.

He knows what it’s like to be an outcast, having been like that before he started the Academy and before Shikamaru befriended him and took care of his bullies, so he’d do his best to make sure you don’t go through the same struggles he went through.

He’s a very sociable and nice person so he’d make sure you’re always happy and content with life as it is, helping you out if you need to laugh or take care of a situation that’s not favorable for you.

DEATH NOTE

I ship you with...MATSUDA

He’s kinda very shy and awkward, mostly because he’s always surrounded by impeccably brilliant geniuses at his work place, so you being a normal human being would be a great change of pace for him.

Being with you would give him a boost of confidence and would help him get back to his usual cheery and content self, and in turn, he will make jokes and puns to make you laugh.

He is a self-confessed coward with an usual weak personality, but if something bad happens to his loved ones, he’s definitely going to react and protect them, in his own way.

Since Matsuda is actively involved with everything politics, crimes and social affairs related, so he’s quite knowledgeable in these topics and would gladly discuss with you any topics you can even think about with no problem and no restrictions.

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan: 

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right? 

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better 

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes​! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head). 

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids. 

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this! 

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy. 

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read. 

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck” 

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such. 

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

[klein-archive]

‘What does death represent to the individual?’ – Melanie Klein’s response to a letter from Joan Riviere, 3rd June 1940

8th November 2018

This month I am posting a couple of wartime letters, which I thought appropriate on the 100th anniversary of Armistice Day, 11th November 1918.

Folder C.96 in Melanie Klein’s archive consists of ten pages, including a two-page letter written by Joan Riviere to Klein on 3rd June 1940. In this letter Riviere asks Klein to lay out some of her thoughts on the ongoing war, and the psychological ‘causes’ behind such destructive conflict. This exchange – saturated with anxiety about the worsening situation – took place at a moment when the UK was under real threat of Nazi invasion and when, as Riviere says, ‘the possibility of our work all coming to an end seems so near’.

Riviere‘s letter is handwritten, while Klein’s response (undated, presumably written not long after Riviere‘s) is typed. No record remains of the list of questions suggested by Riviere to Klein. I have given Riviere‘s letter in full, but in the case of Klein’s notes I have done some minor editing for clarity’s sake. Her text was clearly not meant to be read out exactly as it was written down. Rather, it resembles a series of notes, a kind of aide-memoire for her talk, to which Riviere refers in her letter. It is unclear as to whether this talk was ever given, as Klein left London for Pitlochry at the end of June 1940; like many of her colleagues, she temporarily relocated to avoid the heavy bombing of London.

The majority of this fragment from the Klein archive has, in fact, previously been published by Claudia Frank (2003), but only in German. An English translation of Frank’s paper will appear as part of a collection of materials from the Klein archive, to be published by Routledge in 2019 (Jane Milton, in preparation). Meanwhile, Michal Shapira (2013) has written about Klein’s concept of ‘the Hitler inside us’ during the Second World War, and is currently preparing another book about Klein, based on archival material from this period (to be published by Cambridge University Press). The letter from Joan Riviere appears in a new biography by Marion Bower (2018).

Below is the letter from Joan Riviere:

Harefield                                                                 (4 Stanhope Terrace, W.2)                                                                                            June 3. 1940

My dear Melanie

When the first official mention of invasion began, the possibility of our work all coming to an end seemed so near. I felt we should all have to keep it in our hearts, perhaps, as the only way to save it for the future. Also of course I was constantly thinking of the psychological causes of such terrible loss and destruction as may happen to mankind. So I had the idea of your telling me (and then a group of us) everything you think about these causes, so that all of us who can understand these things at all should share and know as much as possible, to help to preserve it.

My idea is that you should tell us first what you believe to be the causes 1) of the German psychological situation, and  2) Secondly of that of the rest of Europe and mainly the Allies, since the last war. To me the apathy and denial of danger in the Allies especially England is not clear (I never shared it). 3) How is it connected with what I call the ‘Munich’ complex – the son’s incapacity to fight for mother and country, and his homosexual leanings.

These are the sort of questions I wanted you to speak of. I thought we would have no discussion – the only questions should be to get your meaning clear. I asked people to send in questions beforehand, which I can probably arrange in some order and bring up at a moment when you are dealing with that kind of point. If there is time I would send you the points before. Do you go to 9 Manchester Square on Saturday before the meeting? Or where will you be?

I shall be in the country till some time in the afternoon, then at home until about 6.45.

Thank you very much for your letter of 24th May. It is a good thing you have sent your papers abroad. But I believe we shall pull through, all of us, including you!

I am so looking forward to Saturday – psa [psychoanalysis] is a great anodyne in all this anxiety!

With much love

Yours ever

Joan.

In the margin is written an additional question:

4) One great question is why is it so important to be able to be brave and to be able to bear whatever happens? Everything in reality depends on this. I see a lot of answers but I don’t feel I see all it implies.

The reply from Klein:

What does death represent to the individual?

The increasing danger of a terrifying death brings out in individuals both the deeper reasons of their fear of death as well as their methods of combating this fear. Instances A. patient of very religious upbringing in whom the fear of Hell had played a great part in childhood, a fear which had intellectually been entirely overcome is revived in the present situation. The internal hell which could not be overcome by love as demanded by religion because devil and helpful God were so very much the same in his unconscious mind. In this case and others it became clear that terror of own destructiveness and murderousness, fear of having arranged for Hitler to destroy the world, and especially the incapacity to dissociate the evil father and parents from the good ones, to dissociate love from hate, and therefore to turn hatred against the evil thing – love and protection towards the loved and good people – that all this has a paralysing effect in the relation to external dangers.

One conclusion a) An important step in development is the capacity to allow oneself to split the imagos into good and bad ones which goes with the capacity to trust one’s constructive tendencies and love feelings. Only thus is it possible to hate with full strength what is felt to be evil in the external world – to attack and destroy at the same time protecting oneself with one’s good internal objects as well as external loved objects, country etc, against the bad things. To be able to achieve this is also dependent on b) The relative strength of internalized relations versus external ones – or rather the balance between internal situations and relations on the one hand and externals on the other.

If the feeling that external war is really going on inside – if the feeling that an internal Hitler is fought inside by a Hitler-like subject – predominates, then despair results. It is impossible to fight this war, because in the internal situation catastrophe is bound to be the end of it. This depends also on the ways and means in which the subject is carrying out the internal war. If he feels to out-Hitler Hitler, then it will all end in complete destruction inside. If there is a better balance between internal happenings and external happenings and the war inside is not predominating, then one can turn with strength and determination against the external enemy. There are many other factors at work which all work towards greater trust in one’s own capacity to love and construct as well in the good object and determining the balance between internal and external.

I see fully confirmed former experiences that death is terrifying to the utmost, if trust in internal relationships is weak. The danger may then be denied (very important in the general attitude towards the Hitler danger – Chamberlain’s remark of war as a nightmare) or the individual becomes paralysed – which may amount to suicidal incapacity to deal with external dangers, and ultimately (paralysis of) the means of destroying the dangerous Hitler inside. I have seen in this present situation patients’ courage grow, depression diminish, and their capacity to make decisions etc increase when hatred and guilt connected with early phantasies had been further analysed. Present situation provides a very strong stimulus to revive the guilt and fears connected with these phantasies, and I have been struck with the effect analysis can have in such conditions. Pressure of anxiety helped to throw light on former material and was able to remove much anxiety and despair.

One very typical thing was the guilt about the attraction towards this, to the destructive and dangerous penis which Hitler’s murderous weapons represent. In men it appeared that quite hidden passive homosexual phantasies, plotting and scheming with the destructive father, came to the fore. a) They had instigated Hitler to this destructive intercourse and enjoyed it sadistically. b) Terror of being destroyed and identification with the threatened mother reinforced the tendencies to scheme and plot with the dangerous father. To this is added the anxiety of the internal destruction by this dangerous father who becomes more and more internal the more external reality proves his dangerousness. The guilt about the sadistic alliance with the dangerous father is one important reason for denial: but I see the most various methods used against it; for instance, very rational sounding views that we should continuously concentrate on the offensive expressed the drive towards active and dangerous homosexuality as a reaction against the desire and fear of being anally penetrated.

This feeling of a continuous thrust on the enemy to prevent him from invasion, in contradiction to that, that we should preserve through our thrust France’s destruction and rather allow him the invasion of England. (The mother was to be saved, England, representing more the patient himself, should be more allowed to be invaded). But here the jealous attitude of mother also found expression. There was also the wish to be anally penetrated by this impressive father as well as the desire to test in reality the dangerous threatening experience. With women too, the attraction towards the dangerous father, conspiracy against mother, guilt and punishment, were very much revived. Fifth column tendencies/phantasies and guilt. But it is interesting to find the connection between these sexual phantasies, the sadistic pleasure as experience in masturbation, and inner relations. Interaction between distrust and guilt relating to brothers, sisters and parents because of these sadistic conspiracies and relations to internal objects. In the (reduced) capacity to trust in the preservation of internal loved objects because of these sadistic phantasies in relation to external ones.

Striking how the analysis of these secret plotting sadistic phantasies improved internal relationships and relieved anxiety of danger of present situation. In one instance, much former material became so much clearer and illuminating that peace of mind steadily increased, in spite of the worsening of the external situation. Balance between love and hatred increased, parents become in retrospect much more trustworthy, worthwhile preserving, and accordingly also present relatives. Fear of death decreased when trust in me, in analysis, and more generally in the survival of goodness in spite of all dangers to values, increased. The feeling that goodness cannot ultimately be exterminated, which may be a denial of danger in external relations, was based on a better balance between facing danger and yet relying more on internal goodness and trust in some good object.

The question of balance so often stressed appears as the ultimate decisive factor. Optimum between external and internal, love and hate, and the methods used against anxiety. Certain amount of temporary denial obviously unavoidable and necessary. We look at nature, we read a book, we play with a child, we enjoy food, etc, and we have to remind ourselves that our life and country is at stake. In between the good experience has helped us to deny the danger. If the denial predominates in the attitude it may lead to complacency, flight to the good inner objects, etc. If the help provided by the fact that such good things we just enjoy exist, the belief in the good object and in goodness ultimately, is not too much denial of the bad things, it may help us to take steps to preserve goodness externally, and may internally help us to remain calm in the face of danger.

After giving some fragmentary examples, which are in note form and not fully coherent, Klein turns to ‘technique’:

TECHNIQUE

The satisfaction we must all derive from the fact that analysis can be so helpful in these circumstances. There is confirmation about the main principles of our work; even now reassurance does not seem to be of great value (certain exceptions and rather limited). But an undisturbed keeping or holding fast to analyse aggression, guilt, which disturbs the belief in constructive and reparative tendencies, seems most helpful. We must however remain aware of the interplay, present and external situations, with internal and with the past, as well as past experiences. The strength with which certain experiences are re experienced, the details of phantasies coming up under this pressure, indicates also the great wish of the patient to cooperate with the analyst, and thus also to help the parent to improve the relationship with him, and to establish internally and externally, harmony. This strength of experiencing and bringing forward material has also to do with the stimulus which the nearness of death provides in experiencing life. Instances for taking in much more strongly beauty of nature, love in relations, etc, even lessening of certain inhibitions as seen in several cases. It is filling oneself with life, as well as sharing love with external people, and thus reviving, restoring internal situations. Also proof for goodness remaining; because ultimately in the future there will be objects to experience this and thus death as utter destruction cannot be true.

References

Bower, Marion (2018). The Life and Work of Joan Riviere: Freud, Klein and Female Sexuality. London: Routledge.

Frank, Claudia (2003) Zu Melanie Kleins zeitgenössischer Bezugnahme auf Hitler und den Zweiten Weltkrieg in ihren Behandlungen. [On Melanie Klein’s contemporary references to Hitler and the second world war in her treatment] Psyche – Z Psychoanal., 57:708-728.  

Milton, Jane (in preparation) working title: From the Klein Archive; Essential Readings. London: Routledge. To be published in 2019/20.

Shapira, Michal (2013) The War Inside: Psychoanalysis, Total War, and the Making of the Democratic Self in Postwar Britain. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

[moonheart1313]

“Put It Down” Review (Spoilers and this is a little long!)

So, I saw S21 E02.

For the past week, my stomach has been churning over what the outcome of this episode would be.

…and I was NOT disappointed.

Holy fucking shit. Let’s just…break this down.

-The introduction

Tweek going up and just BANGING his hands on the piano and screeching may be the biggest laugh I’ve gotten since Wendy described what Yaoi was back in season 19. Not only is it incredibly relatable to anyone suffering from major anxiety problems or stress, but it’s so Tweek.

Stan got a couple lines. I don’t know about y’all, but I am proud of him. In all seriousness, have we just…forgotten about Stan while making room for Randy. He’s one of those jokes that…I don’t know, he’s kinda depressing anymore. In “White People Renovating Houses”, Sharon’s blank expressions and his attitude towards Daryl…I didn’t really get why the joke was funny. I mean, I got the melodrama, but it didn’t get much of a laugh out of me. Why wasn’t Stan or Shelly included? It would have been way funnier to see their reactions to their father. We need to focus on the kids reacting to the madness around them. Not focusing on just the adults doing the madness.

In short—bring back Stan’s reactions and opinions! Oh, and Kyle and Kenny. Especially Kenny. I can’t remember the last time he got attention, either.

Craig calling Tweek “honey” and “babe” while no one was around. This is no longer fake dating. We don’t know if it started off as such, but this relationship has gone way past “for the town” shit. In fact, the only person who really talks about homosexuality is Tweek’s father, which is pretty much just a running joke (because Mr. Tweak is a terrible dad).

-Cartman’s suicide campaign.

Okay, so this is basically the B plot of the episode and…it shows. Normally, the Cartman’s storylines are the ones I prefer in South Park episodes, but not only did it feel kind of forced, but it wasn’t very funny. Honestly, watching a smart girl like Heidi being manipulated by this psycho is hard to sit through. As someone who has known people in these relationships and had a friend who threatened suicide if I was going to abandon them, this hits hard.

I’m not saying it is a bad idea to delve into this issue as it is becoming more public, especially online, but Matt and Trey could really piss off a lot of the fans if they take this too far. South Park has always been about pushing the limit, but they also know how much their show has helped countless individuals who struggle with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. The honesty of the show gives many people hope that the world isn’t just filled with passive morons or people who believe you need to be a certain type of person. If they attempt to harshly mock this spectrum, the show’s rating could potentially plummet to the point of them only being able to make the next two seasons that they signed on for after this one.

I do think if they show both sides, the people that are seriously suicidal and people like Cartman who desire attention as well as manipulating people, it could be successful. If they can phrase the moral correctly, I think this season could come out as one of the absolute best. If they only wanted it for this episode, I can see why they would choose to go onto a different storyline for the season since there is plenty of other issues to delve into. Still, if it’s a storyline they are going to tackle, I hope they know what they are getting into.

-Tweek’s cupcakes.

I finally lived to see Tweek covered in frosting and baking ingredients. Life—is good.

-Trump.

Now, as Matt and Trey explained, while they are still going to joke about Trump, they didn’t want it to be the focus of the season of even every episode. Here, the joke worked perfectly. It was less about Trump and more about Tweek being in a situation that he has no control over, no matter how hard he tries to fix it. (The joke about no one caring about Hillary made me snort so loud my nose hurt. Equal playing field. Thank God.)

-Fidget spinners.

Considering all the previews and screenshots were showing fidget spinners, most fans thought the small devices would be the focus of the episode. And, call me crazy, I’m kinda glad it was just a funny joke about how they don’t necessarily help people.

The devices are used for kids with ADHD (or if they have some sort of issues paying attention), who need to keep their hands moving if they’re in class or trying to focus on something. Using it as a calming device is a myth and the show accurately showed just how people rely on them a little too much.

-Children getting hit by cars.

I have to admit, the shot of that first kid getting hit was oddly chilling. Mostly because of how accurate it parodies commercials. What’s even better is that his death wasn’t a joke. It was something the whole school (not counting Cartman) banded together to pay their respects too. Later, the other deaths became more of a joke, but what’s incredible is how they manage to tie this B plot with the A plot. But more on that later.

(GODDAMN THEY KILLED A LOT OF KIDS THIS EPISODE WTF)

-Tweek in Craig’s room.

OKAY. This was FUCKING hilarious. Watching Tweek without any problem or pretense heading into Craig’s room only to scream out his fear was another huge laugh I got from this episode. The fact that besides being a little disgruntled (the poor kid just woke up), Craig is hardly surprised by the appearance and action, meaning this happens A LOT.

And Craig’s space stuff EVERYWHERE. Matt and Trey knew EXACTLY what they were doing.

-The creek date

The argument between Craig and Tweek was some of the best writing I’ve ever scene. Not only are they fighting like an actual couple would in this situation, but while watching it the first time, I understood Craig’s frustration and couldn’t see what Tweek wanted. However, once the true solution of what Tweek’s needs is explained, I finally understood.

When it comes to emotion vs. logic, the friction is unstoppable. Personally, I am usually a logical person. I take into account as many options and facts as I can find and then make my conclusions. However, when I have no information or things are out of my control, my emotional side takes over and I begin to panic. Once I understood this opposition was the problem, I realized what the episode was saying.

Tweek’s not being unreasonable and Craig isn’t being uncaring. They are both frustrated because Tweek doesn’t know how to make himself feel better and Craig doesn’t know how to help him. Which leads to my next point.

-The message.

When Heidi makes her statement about emotions, the writing is very good and allowing her to speak about the issue, but also having it relate to creek’s storyline without even addressing said storyline before the following scene. It works on both accounts. It’s once again sad to see Heidi following after Eric because, as most of us would agree, she deserves better (or at least revenge).

Moving on, Craig’s understanding of the situation doesn’t paint him as the bad guy who needs to apologize. Instead, he realizes what the best course of action is to take to help his boyfriend. And without hesitation, he does. It shows that Craig learned a lesson about compromise. That sometimes other people need to work through things in a different way than Craig might be used to working through them. That can be a hard concept for even some adults.

And may I just say, the fact that Tweek was using the (FOUR?!) fidget spinner idea to attempt to calm himself was so very sweet. Even though he probably knew it wouldn’t work, he still tried for Craig. Even after that huge fight. It expresses the stability of their relationship, even when things are painfully tense.

Craig helping to guide Tweek to his own epiphany was brilliant. He wasn’t treating Tweek like an idiot. That’s what Tweek needed. Someone can go up and tell you what you need. But that’s not the same as figuring it out for yourself. Once Tweek had a moment to let out his fear and talk it out (rather than people distracting him or just telling him to be quiet), his mind cleared up and the solution for what would make him feel better was his own idea. Craig didn’t need to be a fixer, he needed to be a supporter. And although he didn’t realize it before then, his heart was still in the right place.

Many people have said that Tweek and Craig may be the most accurate, stable homosexual couple ever (or at least for 2017) and I highly agree. Since they’re kids, it takes the physical aspect out. I never felt the need to see them kiss (maybe a hug would’ve been nice) because it was about their feelings, not their attraction to one another. They have a mutual respect of love for each other that was tested in this episode. Their fight wasn’t “petty” or “forced”. It was natural, like a disagreement any couple could face.

If this is the kind of amazing messages, character moments, and wonderful humor we are really in for, I am definitely looking forward to going down to South Park this season. Well done, Matt and Trey.

[jaouinedcan]

After the Accident [NedCan Week: Day 3 - Warmth/Cold]

I’m a little conflicted about posting this but I decided it was a story that should be told.  There are a lot of fanfics out there where characters deal with depression, but a significant portion of them are wish fulfillment fantasies written by struggling teens, and I think it’s important for them to know that it isn’t healthy to wait for someone to suddenly appear and sweep you away from it all like how some popular media would lead you to believe.  Love certainly isn’t out of reach for anyone, but it won’t make a difference if you don’t do anything to save yourself, and sometimes saving yourself is as simple as holding on to the idea that there are people who need you now, and there will be people who will need you in the future.  Instead of waiting for a hero, you can become a hero.  There are people who need help every day, and you can reach out to them in your own unique way.

The NedCan in this can be platonic or pre-relationship, depending on your preference; I went out of my way to write this as unromantic as possible, because dealing with depression isn’t romantic in the least.

WARNING: This fanfic deals with depression and passive suicidal ideation, along with descriptions of injuries, medical procedures and panic, but there is no self harm involved.

Before the accident, Matthew felt like he'd been fading into the background of other people's lives, slowly and steadily, like a glacier caught him by the toe and he stood and watched as the ice gradually crept up his leg.  He hadn't known at the time that there was a word for the way he felt--depression--but that would come well after.  Before, he hadn't understood that he had been the one withdrawing rather than being left behind.  His twin brother Alfred was well known but also had complicated relations among the rest of the school, always in the midst of some sort of drama and therefore drawing plenty of attention.  In comparison, Matthew actually had a more stable group of friends and was well-liked among more casual acquaintances, but he misinterpreted their friendliness as forced politeness since the conversation would inevitably transition to something Alfred had done.

It wasn't anyone's fault, really, as a chemical imbalance in his brain was mainly to blame, drawing faulty conclusions from things regular people did while leading regular lives, but as Matthew started to believe that people only spoke to him because they wanted to speak to his brother, his reaction was to start declining group invitations to movies and fast food places since he didn't feel like good enough company, which led to less invitations as his friends began to assume he was too busy with hobbies or schoolwork to hang out, which led to strengthening Matthew's belief that he was nothing more than an easily forgotten tag-along in his social circles.  The timing was especially bad as the school year came to an end, and though his accidental self-sentenced isolation had resulted in more time to study for finals and achieve better grades than usual, it led to the loneliest summer vacation of his life.  The disconnect with his formerly close friends persisted into the new school year at the new high school full of students he'd never met or felt he hardly knew anymore, and he'd completely lost the motivation to do anything about it as he went through the motions of life doing all the things he supposed he was expected to do instead of anything he actually wanted to accomplish because nothing really interested him anymore.  He did his share of the household chores, completed his homework, even beat Alfred to getting a driver's license, but gained no satisfaction from any of it.

If his less-than-life had continued on like that, Matthew might not have lived much longer at all, but, like a disaster sent straight from the heavens to cleanse the earth of its impurities, the accident changed everything.

Maybe the only reason he'd thrown himself out of the path of that wildly careening sports car had been to spare the gift he'd just bought for his mother's birthday, since that had been the first thing to pop into his head, but when he looked up from the curb, scraped head to toe by sharp pieces of broken glass and gravel, another reason to live cemented itself deep in his bones as he watched that same car plow directly into a cyclist further down the road and continue on its wayward path out of sight, leaving an otherwise empty street behind.

Later on, Matthew would be slightly amazed with himself for getting up and running over despite the pound or so of debris that would be extracted from his face and limbs, but at that moment, he truly hadn't felt a thing even as he dropped heavily to his knees next to the cyclist's writhing form, trying so desperately to breathe that his whole body was heaving like his lungs should have been.  The first thing Matthew did was try to get him to stay still to avoid further harm, pressing his shoulders to the ground as carefully as possible, but it was still enough of a shock to remind the cyclist's body how to inhale, an explosive gasp of air tearing through him before he choked it back out with a wrenching sob.  His face was covered in blood thanks to a deep gash on his forehead but Matthew still recognized him from school.  They'd never spoken but he was a year older and had a younger sister in some of Matthew's classes who talked to her brother often in the hall where he'd overhear them speaking as he passed them on the way to class.  Their names were Jan and Emma.

"Jan," he said, pronouncing it just as Emma would; Yaan.  "I'm Matthew.  You're going to be okay.  Just stay still."

For all his struggles to introduce himself to new people, the words came so naturally it was like he was born to say them.  Without even having to think about it, he reached into the plastic bag still snagged around his elbow and tied the long blue and white scarf around the head wound, retrieved his cell phone from his pocket to call 911, put it on speaker and set it down on the road by Jan's ear to free up his hands and check for more injuries.

Jan, in a rightful panic, grabbed his wrist, needing something to hold on to as he continued struggling to breathe.  He bled from numerous places, but none so bad as his forehead, so Matthew eased Jan's grip into his palm instead so he could squeeze his hand back just as tight while he spoke to the 911 operator and followed her instructions until the ambulance arrived.  Jan didn't pass out until they were halfway to the hospital, having dragged Matthew into the ambulance along with him by his hand, and he was surprised that the paramedics allowed it until they finished stabilising Jan and one of them started taking a look at his torn up arms, the sight of which ended up disturbing him enough to pass out, too.

He woke later in a hospital bed, bandaged up and clean, stiff and sore, his mother already standing and crying over him before he finished prying open his eyes, and he knew then and there that he could never put her through something like this on purpose, ever.  His father was out in the hall talking to a doctor, looking back in through the window in relief, and Alfred awkwardly stood off to the side, uncharacteristically quiet and pale as he tried to joke about how it would be a while before anybody mixed them up again, and Matthew did his best to smile for him but he was sure it came out twitchy and crooked as it pulled at the bandages taped to his face.

A police officer invited himself inside to take his statement soon after, and the memory was still so fresh he had no problem describing the accident and even remembered seeing that same sports car parked in the school parking lot and who it belonged to, which he felt conflicted about sharing but it seemed that they'd already been arrested.  He tried to ask how Jan was doing, but when the officer asked for a description, Matthew realized for the first time that more than one person had been hurt that day and fell into an uneasy silence until he was assured that there were no fatalities reported thus far though a few were still undergoing surgery and others were in critical condition.

The officer left to collect his next witness statement and his father came in to explain that the doctor wanted to keep him overnight for observation to be sure that none of his numerous cuts and scrapes got infected.  His mother insisted upon staying with him through the night and Matthew didn't object, more for her sake than his since this was the first time one of her sons had been hospitalised.  Before Alfred and their father left, though, they had to help him to the bathroom since his cut up knees buckled under his weight and his arms were far too shaky to keep him steady on the provided crutches.  An evening meal went a long way toward helping him regain some strength in his limbs, and he asked every nurse making their rounds how Jan was doing, enduring their inability to give him any worthwhile answers until Emma herself finally found her way to him.

"Matthew... it is 'Matthew', right?" she asked, remembering him from some of the classes they took together.  He'd helped her and a few of their classmates with in-class assignments before when they seemed to be struggling with the curriculum.  Her face was red and puffy from crying, like his mother's, and he'd had to wonder how she'd managed to evade hospital staff to make it to his room after public visiting hours but she must have charmed the nurse hanging around just outside the door--he'd answered his mother's questions more generously than Matthew's earlier, so he must have had a weakness for women's requests.

"Yeah," Matthew replied, letting his mother help him sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed, so determined was she to do what she could in a situation where she could not do much.  "How is... how is Jan?"

Her eyes shone anew but she didn't break down.  "He just got out of surgery a little while ago.  I couldn't tell you the whole list of injuries like the doctor did--I didn't even know what half the terms meant--I just know that there's a lot of internal damage and broken bones; ribs, leg, and collarbone.  One of his lungs collapsed and they're worried about his head, but... but they said he's stable now, and he's sleeping.  They let us see him for a little while and he looks awful, but he's alive and the doctor said that's because of you, because you were there to help him and call an ambulance.  If you hadn't been there--if the first responders only found him after they started searching the streets for the drunk driver responsible for all the other accidents--my brother would be gone."  The tears spilled over her eyelids but she stayed steady and stepped closer.  "You think so, too, right?  You saw him.  You were right there."

"Emma..." he started and trailed off, because it was true, and also because he couldn't imagine what it would have been like if it had been Alfred or his parents left to die in the street.  "I know."  What his family would be feeling if he hadn't thrown himself out of the vehicle's path.  "You're probably right."  What would have happened to Jan if no one had been there for him to hold on to and call for help.

"Thank you," Emma said, her voice shaking.  "Matthew, thank you for saving my brother."  She took great care to embrace him gently, minding his bandages, but she shouldn't have worried since his clothes had mostly protected his torso aside from a few bruises and scrapes here and there.  It hurt more to return the hug, his arms stinging in protest, but his thoughts were clearer than they'd been for months.

While he didn't know how to help himself, he knew now that someone had needed him more than he'd ever thought possible, and that was an idea he could hold on to.

Emma had to leave after a while, but she told him where her brother's room was if he wanted to visit him later.  Matthew wanted to visit him right that instant, but asking would have been unreasonable.  Besides, she'd already told him that Jan was sleeping.  Disturbing his rest would have been selfish, not to mention that he shouldn't interrupt the limited time his family had to see him before they finally wore down the hospital staff's patience and were sent home.  He wasn't sure if a family member was allowed to stay overnight with patients in serious condition, but he wasn't going to pry, either.

In the morning, his limbs didn't bother him as much as they did the day before, but that might have just been the pain medication building up in his system.  The hospital let him borrow a wheelchair to get as far as his mother's car, but before they left, she took him to Jan's room without Matthew even needing to ask, wanting to see the other boy's condition for herself.  He could hear her gasp from behind the wheelchair when she saw him through the hall window.  Jan was hooked up to multiple machines tracking his vitals along with the IVs feeding him plasma and saline and a respirator controlling his breathing, and there was hardly an inch of skin not covered by sterile white bandages or casts.  Someone had taken the time to wash the scarf and left it folded in a small cubby with the rest of his clothes from the accident, but Matthew didn't have the heart to tell anyone, especially his mother, that it was originally meant to be a present for her.

Emma was there, spotted him quickly, and immediately introduced him to her parents and little brother.  Luca was still in junior high and took after his brother in appearance, though the difference in height and hairstyle meant that they probably weren't ever mistaken for each other like he was with Alfred.  His mother got a little emotional as they all thanked Matthew in turn, gently grasping his hands instead of attempting handshakes, and there was an exchange of names, phone numbers, and promises to help each other in any way they could.  Matthew took the opportunity to ask if he could visit Jan again and was told that he could come by at any time he  wished.

He would visit every day until Jan was released from the hospital and was sure to talk to him at least once a day forever after, but before then, Matthew had some healing of his own to do.  He'd been forced to take the rest of the week off from school to recover, but he spent a few hours at the hospital every morning before returning home after noon since Alfred would bring a few people over after school every day to see him, with one notable exception that they'd whisper about when they thought he was out of earshot.  He only saw Ludwig after returning to class that following Monday--he'd never seen him so quiet, pale, and withdrawn.  His older brother was out on bail but suspended indefinitely and there were rumours that he'd confessed to the drunk driving charges to protect his little brother, the actual driver.  Matthew didn't know what to believe, since he hadn't had the time to glance through the windshield before diving out of the way, and he wouldn't have escaped almost unscathed if he'd tried.

Jan might have known for sure, having had the clearest view from atop his bicycle rather than the other injured pedestrians and witnesses on foot, but he spent the next two weeks unconscious and it would be a while after before he would piece together his scattered memories and even then he wasn't confident enough to confirm anything beyond the fact that they had both been in the car.  His confusion was compounded by the fact that he'd spent the first twelve years of his life in Europe, where steering wheels were installed on the right side instead of the left, but in the end it hardly mattered; Ludwig matched every hour of Gilbert's court ordered community service with volunteer work, and they'd both been too young to face actual jail time no matter who had been driving.  As the years went on, they would both spend a lot of time talking to kids at events hosted by MADD, SADD, and other organisations, doing what they could to prevent other people from repeating their mistakes.

Before that, though, Matthew would spend hours at the hospital every day keeping watch over Jan as he slept, giving his family the chance to leave every now and then to take care of various responsibilities, trusting their son and brother in his hands while they spoke to doctors and police and insurance companies and school officials.  He had the most opportunities to be alone with him during the first few days, while Emma and Luca had to go to school and their parents had to put in a few hours in their workplaces to prepare their business associates to carry on without them for a while.  He spent those times with the door shut and Jan's hand clasped tightly in his, talking about all the things he couldn't tell anyone else, because talking to people in comas was supposed to help, if not Jan, then maybe himself, and he didn't know of any other way to help anyone.

Slowly, over the course of days and weeks, Matthew started to feel better, unloading all the heaviness into the illusion of a sympathetic ear, sparing the conscious of his darkest thoughts.  The last thing he wanted to do was upset the people who cared for him.

One day, though, he was interrupted from his quiet monologue when Jan squeezed his hand and he looked up to see bleary, half open green eyes silently regarding him, and he hit the nurse's call button faster than he'd ever done anything in his life.  Once she came in, she ran right back out again to return with a doctor within seconds and they checked him over, determining that there was no sign of major brain or nerve damage, but it was too soon to rule it out completely.  The nurse hurried off to contact his family while the doctor continued talking to Jan, asking him various yes-or-no questions to be answered with one blink or two, trying to discern how much his patient remembered about the accident  and the days preceding it.  Jan's family was quick to arrive, having been found in the hospital's cafeteria, their personal code of cleanliness forbidding them from eating where people slept, and by the time the respirator and feeding tube were gently extracted from Jan's throat, Matthew had completely forgotten what he'd been talking about.

Jan remembered, though, and while he wasn't able to start talking right away, he said as much the next time they were left alone together and his throat had recovered enough to permit scratchy speech.  "Matthew," he said, his voice audibly sore, "if you can't tell your family then you have to say something to a doctor.  You can't go on like this.  I won't let you."

Matthew looked down at his hand; Jan had reached out to grab it, holding it tight and with just as much urgency as the first time.  He looked back up again to see Jan staring at him with calm, solid determination, absolutely immovable, squeezing at his insides with diamond-forming pressure that burned like fire.  The slowly receding glacier previously overtaking him stood no chance in the waves of heat cast out from within, flooding his face with hot tears.  It was the first time he'd cried in months of forcing himself to be strong, and the first time he thought it might be okay to not be a perfect person, because Jan refused to let go of his hand and even encouraged him to come closer until his other hand gently cradled Matthew's head against his unbroken clavicle like how he imagined Jan would hold the pet bunny Emma had told him all about.

After he calmed down and washed his face, Matthew told Jan about the scarf his family was so curious about, having never seen Jan with it before, and how in the moment he'd thought to protect it before even considering saving his own life.  Jan took to wearing it every day after his release from the hospital as a reminder to Matthew of all the things he had to live for and to never stop taking his new prescription or miss his appointments, like a silent pact they kept between them as their friendship flourished and deepened over the course of their lifetimes.

Many of the people in town knew that Matthew had saved Jan, but only a select few ever learned that saving Jan had also saved Matthew.

(Notes: Never forget that there are people out there that need you.  In this fanfic, both Matthew and Jan were struggling to survive in different ways, and neither of them could have made it on their own.)

[ocdthemusical]

Basic outline for the musical

Character List

Main characters

Protagonist

18 year old college freshman

Has struggled with anxiety and depression since middle school

Diagnosed with OCD towards the end of Act One

Wants to be independent but quickly realizes how dependent she is on her family (especially her mom)

Computer science major

Loves music and acting

Mom

Mother of Catherine

Supports Catherine but sometimes can be a bit overinvolved

Dad

Father of Catherine

Supports Catherine but focuses more on his ideas of what she should be like and what’s best for her rather than actually considering her opinions and emotions

Can get angry and be passive agressive (or just flat out aggressive)

School psychologist

A psychologist at the college

Provides well-meaning but ultimately shallow advice (eat healthy, exercise, don’t obsess over researching your condition, etc.)

Nurse practitioner

A nurse practitioner at the college who works mostly with depressed patients

Meets Catherine when things are going really bad

Full of empathy and tries to just listen without jumping in and interfering to provide her own solutions

Supporting characters (characters in brackets may or may not be included)

Students

Catherine’s classmates at college

Share in her frustration about stressful classes

Professors

Some are strict and sources of stress and/or confusion, some are positive presences

Older sister

College sophomore

Understands the struggles of college but underestimates the struggles of mental illness

Comforting presence and source of advice, even if she can’t always understand what it feels like

Psychologist at home

Psychologist who specializes in OCD

Patronizing, too focused on establishing a social relationship (in Catherine’s opinion anyway)

Often goes on tangents that seem irrelevant and a waste of time

Tries to help but ultimately his style doesn’t click with Catherine

Psychiatrist

Psychiatrist who prescribes medicine for Catherine

Overly concerned about her scab-picking, seeing it as a sign of a serious problem

Switches her medication because he thinks the old medication wasn’t working well enough

Respectful, formal attitude (more like a professional consultation or business transaction than a social meeting)

Asks her at literally every visit if she’s been having thoughts of death

[Younger sister]

High school sophomore

Has some executive functioning issues, more so than Catherine

Transgender, comes out and transitions around the same time Catherine is diagnosed

[Roommate]

Calm, comforting, supportive presence

[Friend at college]

Has ADHD and generalized anxiety

Understands the struggles of mental illness

Provides empathy and advice based on her own experiences

[Friend from high school]

Has OCD [and some other disorders I think but I don’t remember what I’d have to ask him]

Understanding and empathetic

Weird, sometimes morbid sense of humor

Gets along very well with Catherine

Has had bad experiences with school psychologists and IEP coordinators and as such is skeptical of them

[OCD personified]

A mixture of OCD, anxiety and depression (because it would probably be too difficult to separate them into 3 different people)

Shows the thoughts and emotions tied to OCD

*Note: Catherine will probably stick with that name, but idk about the other characters; I might change their name so as not to make it so obvious how they are related to actual people I know.

Song List

Act One

1. “I’m Fine” (Catherine, mom, dad) - song about leaving for college

Can’t wait to leave home and parents

Parents worried about anxiety and independence

Style:

Mix between upbeat and heartfelt

2. “Welcome to College” (Catherine, students) - introduction to college life

Introduction to college life

Style:

Upbeat, full of possibility

Similar to “One Short Day” from Wicked

3. “Class Begins” (Catherine, professors, students) - introduction to classes

Meet various professors (most importantly polisci/history class)

Introduction to stress and confusion

Style:

Fast-talking, challenging

Similar to “Blood in the Water” from Legally Blonde

4. “You’re an Interesting Case” (Catherine, psychologist) - visit to psychologist

Psychologist not sure what’s up

Interlude - participation grade meltdown (basically what happens here is the professor for the polisci class sends out this super passive aggressive reminding everyone how important the participation grade is, and the whole class (especially Catherine) freaks out, so bad that Catherine has a panic attack in class)

‘Oh by the way I can’t eat’ - Catherine remembers she forgot to mention how hard it is for her to eat (stressing about what to eat and how much, difficulty swallowing)

Basic advice “eat, sleep, exercise, relax” - becomes mantra

Style:

Medium tempo, switch between unnervingly pleasant (and overly simplistic) tone and frantically frustrated tone

Switch between simplistic harmony and complicated dissonance

Similar to “My Psychopharmacologist and I” from Next to Normal

5. “I’m Trying!” (Catherine, psychologist, mom, older sister) - trying to follow basic advice

Trying to follow basic advice

Drop out of some activities

Stressing about relaxing

Contrast with people who seem to know what they’re doing

Style:

Rapid, frustrating, almost manic

Mantra repeated with increasing frustration and mocking tone

More and more musical elements added, representing the increasing chaos and frustration

6. “Hey, Mom” (Catherine, mom) - spiral of despair

Series of complaints/rants to mom

Chooses self care over schoolwork

Then gets behind and switches into workaholic phase

Few breaks

End with cracked hands and thoughts of death

Style:

Messages/calls back and forth

Rapid, confusing

Lots of dissonance

Tempo and dissonance increase over time

Similar to “Sincerely, Me” from Dear Evan Hansen but more depressing and anxious

7. “Guess I’m Not Fine After All” (Catherine, mom, psychologist, nurse) - sent home

Talk with professionals, told to go home

Rapidly oscillate between panic “what if I die” and depression “this is the end”

Frustration

Style:

Rapid angst and dissonance vs slow depressing chords

8. “It’s a Treatment Not a Cure” (Catherine, mom, psychologist, nurse) - interim

Come back for interim

Spiral again

Uncomfortably close to suicide

Sent home for semester

Style:

Fast and frustrating, but also anxious and depressing

Beginning references “I’m Trying”

Similar format and music to “Hey, Mom”

References to “You’re an Interesting Case” scattered throughout

Ends with reprise of “Guess I’m Not Fine After All” [reprise may be separate or part of this song; I haven’t decided yet]

Act Two

1. “Stuck” (Catherine, mom, dad, older sister, younger sister) - beginning of time at home

Frustration at being home

Arguments with family

Having to deal with OCD

Possibly include OCD personified?

Style:

Obnoxiously repetitive

Theme and variations

Melody doesn’t match accompaniment, symbolizing desire to be independent

2. It’s Your OCD” (Catherine, mom, dad, home psychologist, psychiatrist) - arguments, stigma

Parents policing behavior in name of “I know what’s best for you”

Psychiatrist overly concerned

Psychologist unhelpful

Style:

Simple and repetitive

Accompaniment matches itself but not the melody (advice doesn’t match problem)

Tagging the people who said they were interested in helping: @appolloed @calebwmmicheals @gumisangeo @urrsari @burningroses95 @sandygraves

[journeyofabear]

jaded, bitter observations

For the past couple weeks, I’ve been trying my best to just ignore people and step away from humanity as a whole. I need to be alone. I want to be alone. This semester, more than ever, has caused me to realize how self-destructive spending time with people has been. It’s interesting seeing people’s reactions. Lol. I tell people I’m taking a break from Christianity or that I don’t really wanna hang or that I’m not who I used to be so please stop trying to drain me of my time, money, and energy because I can’t provide that for you at the moment. I just want to be alone. And they get mad. And offended. And let me know, whether directly or passive aggressively, that I’m a bad friend. Yeah, I am a bad friend. And I might be a prick for ghosting, but am I actually though? Am I really a “bad friend” or a douche because I need my fucking alone time and don’t really wanna hang out ever? It’s interesting how ego-centric people are. Examples.

Me: “Yeah, I’m taking a break from Christianity.” Considerate reaction: “Ah I see, Dan’s journey is his. Best to him. Hopefully he doesn’t feel judged by me, a lifelong, churched Christian, because I actually really do care about him.” Selfish ass reaction: “Ah, Dan is just having a phase. He’ll come around to his senses eventually. But dang, it sucks for me that I have one less Christian friend I can relate to.”

Me: “Naw I don’t really wanna hang out, sorry. I’m busy, sorry. I can’t make it, sorry.” Considerate reaction: “Dan’s either going through something and needs alone time or he’s actually really busy. Either way, I’ll give him some space and good vibes because I’m not a high maintenance you-can-only-be-my-friend-if-we-always-talk kind of person.” Selfish ass reaction: “Wow dan’s a terrible friend to me. I read this super inspiring Instagram post about how we need to burn bridges with those who are toxic in our lives and Dan is really pushing it right now. It pains me to say this, but he’s just not being a good friend to me. Me. Dan’s hermitting from the world totally affects and insults ME”

At the very least, ghosting has shown me how many of my relationships are all give and no take. And that I’m really honestly disgusted by people in general. That people would immediately make things about themselves. Like, it’s not even like I’m doing something outrageous. Is it outrageous? To want to be alone? To want to ghost everyone and just take some fucking time to myself? It boggles my mind how small people think. It’s about them. Every little thing that adjacently happens in their lives, aka, something happens in someone else’s life.. somehow it’s about them. Someone passes away. “Look how sad I am though. Me.” Someone needs time alone. “Wow, being a terrible friend to me.” Someone is depressed and is contemplating self harm or suicide on a near daily basis. *ignores them because their bad vibes and depressed shit is bringing ME down*

I feel deadness at the prospect that that type of self-importance is deeply ingrained into the nature of human beings. Just deadness.

And yes, anyone who’s reading this or knows me in real life and is appalled at my language and blah blah, I know. “Whaaaat? Dan I thought you were all about love and fighting for the best in humanity, this is so shocking to see from you. Also, you’re no better than anyone, especially if you’re saying all this stuff about other people. Look at how you judging them. Look how considerate YOU’RE being to these people.” Lol, please refrain from verbalizing your silent judgments. Just deadass stay away from me and judge me from afar. Please. Do not be in my life. Any ounce of sanity and mental wellness I still have inside of me, I would like to preserve. Thanks.

Fuck this world and fuck me for seeing it as is.

[redantsunderneath]

Bruce Springsteen: Born to Run (an autobiography)

This is going to be more exorcism than exegesis – this book is odd, and I can’t stop thinking about why. The review line here is that this recent Springsteen autobiography is worthwhile enough if you are somewhere north of a casual Springsteen fan but if you are looking for a single Springsteen historical document, you’d be better served with the Dave Marsh biographies.  Superfans will of course love it, the curious will find it entertaining if they wind up with a copy, and the odd people like me who are obsessives without being real superfans will, well, find it peculiar but involving.  

 Bona fides: I’m an obsessive in that I’ve listened to every Springsteen song, legally released or leaked, up to 2006-ish, have read many of related books, filtered through ephemera, had the concert experience numerous times at different stages of his carrier, and have intermittent year long bouts of compulsively listening/getting moved/thinking about the whole Springsteen enchilada.  What really attracted me to him as an artist was that, unlike chameleons such as (Bruce fan) Bowie who committed to one thing at a time, he seemed to carry a bunch of different influences simultaneously, the skills of which he was proficient in, and would combine and project them - the arena rawker, the street party leader, the acoustic poet, the rock and roll revivalist, the RnB review, the storyteller, the piano balladeer - often capturing several in the space of a song. He also had such great phenomenological and artist-as-story interest: I had seen this with Elvis, but this was more complicated and comprised the sum of on stage relationships, story content, song preoccupations, personal life leaks, and attitude towards fans coalescing into a legend of an avatar of the American working class and underclass, coming in with a bunch of buddies who together were a family, to redeem something in the American spirit, all on the shoulders of some incredible will and discipline.

 So why am I exiled like Moses, able to see the super fan promised land but never enter? First (and this is not restricted to Springsteen) I find the fan ethos offputting.  It combines a deification I loathe with a fake chumminess that makes me nauseated.  More importantly, though, I really don’t like much he has produced since Tunnel of Love marked his most significant career transition.  I note only one great song (“Terry’s Song”) written since the Chimes of Freedom EP which marked the end of the ToL tour, his first marriage, and the initial E Street Band run.  This includes a take it or leave it attitude towards current concerts on my part (the spark isn’t there for me) and wariness about where the Springsteen “story” has gone. One of the greatest things about him early on was the mastery of basically every corner of rock and roll, and his attempt to incorporate new elements and stay fresh are kind of embarrassing (I like Rage Against the Machine too, but the weak link there is Tom Morello’s guitar, and Springsteen hired him to “rejuvenate his sound”.  Ugh).

 So, why is it weird? I don’t read many autobiographies (only one I can remember finishing is No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish) so maybe it’s par for the course, but this isn’t a sculpted recounting of history but a chain of 80 or so “stories” like extended versions of the ones he would tell on stage, and are concerned more with internal rhythm than an external sense of pace or continuity.   There is a lot of backtracking where the reader needs to “match” events. This story approach extends to frequent use of his stage voice(s), where he will go into revival preacher or beat poet mode, do stream of consciousness riffs, and recount back and forth embellished dialogue (without quotes, but with interjections like ‘Marone!’) like he is arguing with himself.  The good news is you can truly hear his voice in the semi-poetic prose. The bad news is it doesn’t flow well, leaves strange things out, cuts back and forth, and the story seems incomplete.

 The best thing about the book is an authentic third angle on the Springsteen legend that I legit had never heard before.  The Springsteen myth is heavily curated by the Boss himself and has always painted a picture, as I noted above, of a rock’n’roll family bringing a fun redemption to the world. This had to be resolved with journalistic and tabloid information that challenged the story, but there was always a fan synthesis that incorporated the info and left the godhead intact.  My memory of rec.arts.music.springsteen (one such recounting was called “a good man,” gagh!) is that Juliana Philips was seen as “a mistake of exposure to big success” and “a vain actress,” and he soon realized that what he needed was a good Jersey girl (which resolves how the marriage never fit fan image of him and sands the edges off of the inconvenient timing of the affair). Springsteen’s recounting of this is a good example of the value of his non-filtered point of view.  He goes out of his way to demonstrate the small town authenticity of Phillips and describe her as wonderful and loving.  The problem was that he was impossible to get along with for anyone after a couple of years and his mishandling of the separation (not wanting the press to know while he began another relationship and got caught) is the biggest regret of his life (because of how it impacted his then-wife).

 This approach reveals him as a hard guy to know.  He describes himself as a narcissist and self-hater (cue Venn diagram of the overlap of narcissism and self-doubt being Art), and he tells story after story of the men in his life where he lengthily but gently drags them through the mud, then says “but we would die for each other and I love him.” These stories come off as whatever happens to passive aggressiveness after expensive therapy (and this book is therapy-speak rich), and often serves to make him look worse than outside data does (the Mike Appel story especially where Springsteen was utterly in the right and was maliciously kept from recording for several years, but here Springsteen does everything to make excuses for him, gives him a butload of credit, and still manages to come off a little petty, i.e. these stories tend to backfire).  He spends a lot of time recounting how he told the bandmembers that they just had to understand that he needed all the control and that he had all the power, so they needed to suck it up.

 The upbringing stuff is probably the best material and the most untrod ground. His family history is pretty compelling and I finally understand how his religious and ethnic background shaped his personality.  The sex stuff makes him look idiosyncratic and selfish: a monk sometimes, do anything that moves one year, but usually a serial monogamist with uncondoned cheating.   He comes off like a terrible boyfriend and worse husband (lots of lost weekend stuff), but this doesn’t really capture how odd the sex stuff is as much as that one passage about he and his dad went to Tijuana and he came back with the crabs.  He mentions prostitutes more times than he mentions groupies.  

 He picks several concerts to elevate to most important status that are not big ones in Springsteeen lore, but have some kind of multicultural underpinning.  To at least some extent, this is to craft a version of a guy who is in touch with human experience. He spends so much time on post Katrina, 9-11, and his hurt at the cops rejecting him after what he thought was the evenhanded “American Skin (41 Shots)” (the fact that he was surprised surprises me).  His talk about race and Clarence Clemons is fascinating – their relationship was molded on stage because he thought it was an important one to America both as an example and as an aesthetic statement.  They only knew each other in this context and rarely ever saw each other outside of stage and studio.  So their friendship, such as it was, was a Springsteen story performed into existence.  He is very conscious of (and calculated about) his cultural legacy.

 So much is left out, yet there are a lot of stories that are barely OK, but seem there specifically to mark time so that it’s not Born in the USA cut-to everybody starts dying (thinking of the horse riding stuff as an example). His discussion of his depression is very valuable, but asynchronously told and thus hard to follow.  The book is full of “aw shucks” enthusiasm, idiom, and showmanship, but is somehow unexpectedly unguarded about the inner workings of his mind. He comes off as someone driven and not comfortable in his own skin unless he is accomplishing something, but in a human, actually painful way, that I have only ever seen divulged by a celebrity once before (David Foster Wallace).  I had an idea of Springsteen as reasonably well adjusted, but after this if he commits suicide I would not be surprised.

 In the end, the book crystalizes in a new set for meanings of that old story of him ripping down the posters saying “the future of rock and roll” at the Hammersmith Odeon in London, 1975 – Springsteen is a control freak, most of all about what people think of him, crippled by self-doubt, with the constant need do something, anything, to reassert mastery over his art, his message, and his mind.  That this is at odds with the book’s willingness to go deep and spill stuff he would usually keep close and it is this tension (along with its storyteller-quilted nature) gives it its strange charge.  In the end, there is a grandiose humility that keeps it together and I’m glad I read it.

[masked-disciple]

Can you tell me more about Laqir? His life philosophy sounds a lot like mine. :p

Laqir, dearest and one of my longest-living OCs.

Truth be told, his name isn’t actually Laqir at all. It’s Tarim. See, back in 2011-2012, I was big on Dragon Cave. So when I was writing my first NaNo novel, Vocal Paradise, Tarim required a name change halfway through to protect his identity. (He was in a tournament against his will- think slave gladiators.) So I hit up the Thuwed lineage and used an English-to-Saurian translator. A few dozen swaps later, I ended up with Laqir.

Now, in Starlight, Tarim is going to start out using his codename. I haven’t decided yet when he really starts using it, but I’m thinking he’ll be in his early 20s at the start of the novel, on Ilya Ustuxa.

Tarim uses a separate name and keeps with it mainly because he doesn’t feel like being tracked. 

So, with that out of the way.

Tarim is one of my longest, completely-original OCs. Wasn’t made for any sort of fanfiction at all. He was a little based off of Iban from @/khayr’s fic Dawn, but at the time, Iban was still a soulbond of mine and was overseeing my very first original works. So of course my protagonist was a little based off of him. Tarim later became more of his own person.

I don’t have any current drawings of him, but I do have a good description. A current one, dated about a fortnight ago. So:

-Thick eyebrows. Long nose. Sharp chin (anime bishounen sharp). Ashen skin (quite literally unsaturated silver with no sheen). Straw-like, dusty brown hair that falls around his face. Ear-length hair. Stormy, gray-blue eyes. Has tattoos that look almost like veins or tree branches on either side of his body: cyan on his right, blood red on his left. They glow and expand as he uses more and more magic, and fade to their normal, near-invisible form when he isn’t using magic.

Tarim is a Kaonai (kay-oh-naie (rhymes with pie).) They’re creatures that are related to dragons by way of the drakon (anthropomorphic dragons aka scalies) lineage; and related to the elves via the Silver Elves lineage. Kaonai usually have silver skin which are actually more along the lines of teeny ass lizard scales; but as Tarim has spent most of his life in Ilya Ustuxa, his scales don’t exactly shine.

His homeworld is Ilya Ustuxa, aka the New Moon World. Named such because vampires have ruled the kingdom for so long that when the Aethel shattered, they just kept ruling the place. Despite this, his birthworld is actually Ilya Loremmi - the Lorem. He comes from a civilization known as Isuparingu, which is the place’s original name and I’m not fucking changing that because that’s a badass name.

Canonically, Tarim’s godly side is more to that of Tom, god of time. 

(Side note- the gods Tom, Bene, and Alan; gods of time, space, and reality respectively, are named after Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Alan Rickman. For 13yo me, it was fitting. I could change their names, but I like the familiarity. Despite this, Bene’s name is pronounced like bane, as in the spelling of the full name is the bane of my existence.)

Tarim is one of the few people who can navigate Ilya Serina in its shattered and unstable state, especially in the Fragment Zones (more on that later). That is actually how he got his tattoos- the Fragment Zones gave them to both him and Naitofiara, another acolyte of Tom, in order for the two to navigate through the Serin and eventually fix the problem that made the Aethel go boom. (What problem? I have no effing clue.)

He’s a decent mage as magic goes, though he operates more in passive magic than active magic- instead of firing off lightning from his hands, he’s more adept at our kind of traditional herbs-crystals-and-tarot-etc witchcraft as well as passively stabilizing the spacetime around him. 

This is not a Kaonai trait, it’s a Serin trait. Time and generally Tom’s alignments really don’t like being out of whack. Space, Bene’s side of things, loves being out of whack. Look at fuckin gravity. But time? Time is relative a little, yes, but generally it likes being linear. Time gets upsetti spaghetti if it isn’t linear. Hence, Tarim, who is blessed by Tom and the Serin, stabilizes the spacetime around him. 

Most wouldn’t call him a powerful mage because he can’t fire off active magic like it’s nothing for hours on end, but that’s because passive magics are very difficult to measure in the same way. But Tarim is indeed powerful. Few active-magic magi can do what he does.

And of course, personality. I’ll be honest, he needs an entire renovation on his personality. At least, so he isn’t identical to Thea and Tarathiel, my other two main protagonists. So: He’s a little shy and kind of unsure of himself the moment he leaves the Ustux. He knows the laws of the Ustux pretty well and that generally sums up to everything has a catch, and anything you take must be paid for in full, even if it’s meant to be a gift.

But his shyness only extends so far as small talk and being personable. If he’s got a mission to do and he needs answers, he’ll be just obnoxious about getting them. Hence his part of the quote- “That’s bullshit and you’re bullshit, so I’m going to ask someone who isn’t bullshit”. He does beat around the bush when he’s trying to be nice, but if shit needs to get done and you’re in his way, then get lost.

He and Tarathiel go back a few years, from her original trip to Ilya Aethela. Some point during Fall of Ilya Serina, Tarim arranges for a gift to Tarathiel that he promised and finally managed to get to her: a baby Vustrian wyvern that she happily named Ophiuchus and took with her during the events of the novel; which so far has been bitching at Kinefira and Jules and using the wyvern to steal Lusmos’ tea. How dare you, Tarathiel.

.... I’m off topic again.

As for his role in upcoming NaNo 2017 novel Starlight, I honestly have no idea. All I know about the novel is that the Aethel goes boom and shatters into all these new realms and Tarim has to help fix it but oh whoops now there’s two gods that are fucking shit up and somehow there’s a prophecy and shit needs to get fixed.

The prophecy in question is pretty simple, and it goes like this:

Two princes to tear the world asunder; five heroes to rise and quell the thunder.”

I for one think that’s a pretty sick couplet for my week-three delirium last year. (Week three of NaNo is hell and usually involves a depressive episode or two. Famously, it has also included a suicide attempt that lead to me not finishing the novel because of bad medication that killed my creativity and motivation.)

Now, Tarim is indeed one of the Heroes that has to fix the shit that the two Princes (Jules + Prius) pulled. Now, this prophecy means that somehow the Princes are why the Aethel does the thing. I actually don’t know how I’m going to do that yet, but it’ll happen at some point.

Next question!

[wishofgold-blog]

       [ ooc // headcanon ] On Yugi’s mental health issues. CW for mental health talk ( obv ) some mentions of suicidal ideation/self-harm ( vague, just one sentence ) and some mentions of ( past ) bullying.

       All of this is subject to change as I get further into the manga, because, obv, early manga Yugi is what’s freshest in my mind at the moment, and bc I don’t remember a whole lot from the manga, I can’t draw from it on more than what I’ve re-read thus far.

So first off, the way I write Yugi is that he has Depression and Autism-- I’m only ( read: mostly ) going to focus on the former in this post because I feel that... I’m.. more comfortable talking abt Yugi and his depression because I trust I can write abt in a more coherent manner.

Anyways. Yugi is recovering from clinical depression. Though there’s probably a biological/hereditary factor in there ( I don’t have many head canons in the way of either Yugi’s mother or father ) Yugi’s depression was, at the very least, kick started by the bullying he’s endured since he was a child. Yugi’s always been small, shy, and rather odd in the eyes of his peers, and he’s always been an easy target for older and meaner kids. He’s never really had much in the way of friends, and all of that has taken a toll on him from a very young age-- Though Yugi has always been on the optimistic side and tried to think positive and view the good side of things, a mental illness is a mental illness, and his situation was not kind-- He had a lot of very low moments and a lot of things that he kept hidden both for the sake that he was ashamed of it and because he’s not the type who wants to make his friends or family worry (( Which is a whole other ramble in and of itself in how Yugi views friendship and making/maintaining friendships )). Despite the lows he’s had though, Yugi has never made much in the way of attempts on his own life (( nor attempts at self harm-- He’s never been calmed by it, never seen the appeal. It does nothing for him. )), he’s very much someone who idealizes and comes up with plans but makes no action to go through with anything. This in and of itself leads to a lot of issues in perceiving his own disorder, thinking that he isn’t as mentally ill as he is, berating himself for what he perceives to be something that’s just for seeking attention-- It’s because of this that Yugi didn’t really begin to seek help for his issues until after the events of the manga ( just before DSOD ), not quite because he wasn't denying he had issues at all, but because he had convinced himself that most of it was born from wanting attention and wanting people to care about him. Obviously it wasn’t just that, because the issue persisted long after Yugi had made friends and no longer had a reason to be so distressed or just want attention/concern, and so he finally stopped kicking himself and sought out professional help. 

Not the most eloquent way to transition, but I want to talk a little more about the bullying Yugi’s gone through-- Both what we see in the manga and some of my HCS. First things first, it’s very clear that Yugi’s just sort of... used to being beat up upon. He always hops back up pretty quick for the beatings he’s taken, and he never really lets himself wallow over it for too long, it seems. I’d go through the manga and pick out examples but ngl I don’t... really want to. It also seems that Yugi just sort of accepts the things that are happening to him and his friends, and he never seems genuinely outraged with the way he’s treated, and though it could be read as Yugi just being passive ( which he is, but still ), but I think it could also be read as Yugi being used to being treated like that. He only seems to get upset when people treat his friends the way that they treat him. It could also be, or most likely a combination of all three, that Yugi just has a really low sense of self-worth (( also do note that pretty much all of this paragraph relates to early manga Yugi-- post-DSOD Yugi, the one that I write, knows his self worth and though he might not resort to kneecapping a bitch right away if you treat him like shit he will get tired of it and push back )). I think it could also be that Yugi recognizes that fighting back can, on occasion, makes the situation WORSE. He’d rather, in not fighting back, run the risk of being bruised rather than run the risk of giving his bully reason to hit harder. I don’t have much in the way of hcs about Yugi’s treatment prior to anything we see in the manga, just that it’s something that’s extended back into his childhood quite a bit and was the heaviest drive in his depression, self-esteem issues, and his issues in how he perceives friendship--

Which is what I wanna talk about right now. First things first: Early manga yugi’s perception of friendship is warped. Even now it somewhat is, but he knows well enough now that he isn’t right about everything. First off, the wish and the puzzle-- This is a headcanon and though I’m sure I could dig up manga caps to support my claim, I’m not going to, because I’m lazy.

I think Yugi, especially early manga yugi, has had a lot of issues concerning his wish, the puzzle, and his friendships. He made the wish to have friends, and now he has friends-- And he isn’t and hasn’t been sure if his friendships have remained strong because of his wish or because of who he is as a person. He isn’t sure if his friendships could’ve happened without the puzzle ( a scenario he doesn’t think of often-- He doesn’t like imagining what life would’ve been like if Atem  and the puzzle hadn’t become a part of it, bad situations and all ), and one of his fears is that the puzzle itself is what made Jounouchi and Honda (( shh )), and even Anzu (( and even Kaiba, because he does consider Kaiba to be his friend, and the worry doesn’t just apply to the friends he made right after making the wish )) like him at all and/or want to be his friends. He worries ( worried? ) that in making his wish he did something to change the people around him and that the friendship he has might be based off nothing but lies made by his wish (( and as a side note-- There might be ( read: I know there is, but i’ve chosen to ignore it ) canon evidence to dispute this but I, personally, don’t think the puzzle actually.. did anything. I don’t think Yugi’s wish worked-- at least, not in the way most people imagine wishes to work. I have.. more specific thoughts on this but this isn’t the post to do it in )). It should be noted however that with the Yugi I write, after everything that’s happened, this is only a worry that comes to him when he’s in distress or overthinking-- It’s not something that’s there throughout everything, it’s not a main focus of his, it’s just a thought that comes to haunt him on occasion. 

Now, on how Yugi perceives maintaining friendships, and this should be a much shorter ramble-- I think that Yugi is one of those people who ( and mostly when he’s already upset ) thinks that venting and expression his emotions if something that could chip at a friendship. He doesn’t want to overwhelm or overstep his boundaries, and it’s a nigh constant anxiety that he’s going to do something to ruin what he has-- This also manifests as a fear of abandonment. Yugi becomes anxious when his friends don’t reply to him, when they just drop off the face of the earth (( You know who you are )), and less frequently, a fear of being replaced. 

Now.. Another shorter ramble, but how becoming someone whose a p famous duelist changed how Yugi... perceives his own issues and his life in general. Being someone who is now loved and has a good support system has done something for the better, obviously, but it’s also done something that isn’t.. quite as good. As mentioned above, Yugi finds there’s no reason he should be upset with his life ( minus the fact Atem is no longer with him, but that’s a whole other can of worms ), which recycles the old fear that his depression is just him “Acting out” for attention or something of that ilk. 

I wanted to go on but my headache got worse and I’ve kinda exhausted myself on what I wrote already lmao--