#also I’ve had it for so long I wouldn’t recognise myself without it

[stark-lord]

Your pfp gave me a fucking jumpscare

You do say the sweetest things 🥺💐

[crystaltoa]

So

I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia last week. It explains a lot about the way I’ve been feeling lately. I’m on a gradual return to work schedule of three half days per week, and I intend to give it my best shot..but…

So far it really just sucks.

I’m absolutely wiped out after three hours of teaching and it’s a good 24 hours afterwards before I even feel up to making a phone call or leaving the house to walk the dog. And forget doing the fucking dishes or cooking a decent meal. i can throw something premade into the microwave or oven and splash some dressing on some mixed lettuce and that’s it.

I can work three half days per week at the expense of literally everything else in my life, including hobbies and recreation and interacting with my friends. i don’t even wanna watch tv or listen to audiobooks.

When people try to comfort me, they tell me that things will improve. That this will become more manageable, even if i won’t exactly recover from it.

But I would actually find it more comforting if someone could tell me, with convincing evidence, that actually, I would be okay even if my health stayed the same as it is now. That there would be some relief, some way that I wouldn’t be forced to work a job that has gone from ‘ok but challenging’ to ‘debilitating and miserable’, some guarantee of a roof over my head and a reliable income without utterly destroying myself. But the more I look at Australia’s various disability support services, the less hope I have that I’d be considered eligible for anything.

There’s very much a black and white ‘can do this,’ ‘can’t do that’ approach to recognising disability. If I literally could not work, I could probably get a pension. But I can work, a bit. At a great cost. I can work but it makes my life seem barely worth living. ( I don’t particularly mean that in like a suicidal way, but just. It sucks, ya know? It sucks so bad.) There doesn’t seem to be much space for accommodating that, long-term.

Honestly, if I had income and housing sorted out, this would seem manageable, even if I never improved at all. I could get by on needing to rest more and take pain meds, and I would probably have enough time and energy to do the things I needed/wantedto do if I wasn’t spending it all on work. The prospect of having a permanent disability itself doesn’t scare me, it’s the fear of being trapped in an unforgiving system being bled dry with no relief in sight that horrifies me.

I’m lucky that I have family who would put me up if I made the choice not to work anymore. So I am grateful for that. But it does come at the cost of my independence and freedom, and comes with its own set of stresses, so it’s also not an ideal option.

I don’t really have a big point to make here. I just… yeah. That’s where I’m at right now. I haven’t felt like doing anything creative or fun since I went back to work. And I probably won’t again for a while. If I’m not responding to messages, or seem kind of flat and detached in my interactions with you… I’m sorry and I want you to know it’s not personal. i’m just a little fucked up right now is all.

I appreciate the community and friends I have here, so much. I want you all to know that, even if I’m less present here in the coming months. Love,

CT.

[crosbyism]

now I must know who you consider outrageously hot. sid? nate? other non-hockey fellows?

lmao ok anon ur on. to be frank while sid and nate both scratch very specific itches in my aesthetic brain and i go heart eyes AWOOGA every time nate wears what i call his “assassin outfit” (the travel day one where he’s wearing a turtleneck), that is like. my favourite food. y’know? like i recognise that those men are very hot to ME, specifically, and not necessarily objectively so hot you can’t look at them directly. my fave restaurant, which is not listed in the guide michelin or the san pellegrino top 100. you know what i mean.

there are VERY few men in the nhl i would even consider for the “can’t look at him directly” drop dead gorgeous intimidatingly hot category. i’m talkin’ palm sweat, can’t look them directly in the eyes when you shake their hand kinda hot. the type of hot that makes you self-conscious about even looking at them, where you have to remind yourself not to stare. where you get physically flustered by their looks. Anna Kasterova kinda hot.

but you know what: i’ll pick out a couple guys for ya, anon. disclaimer: gabe landeskog and kris letang are incapable of making this list because as a pens n avs fan i’ve had exposure therapy to them. In no particular order:

Alex Wennberg

if i had to shake alex wennberg’s hand, i’d have to look at his left earlobe to do it. i’d be the guy getting jittery just ‘cause of his eyes. that’s not a natural shade of blue. because i’m a parody of myself, i also have no doubt i’d see his earlobe and go oh no, even that’s handsome somehow. you know how erik johnson once said he was the poor man’s gabe landeskog? well, if we’re talkin’ in those terms, gabe landeskog is the poor man’s alex wennberg. if i sat at a dinner table with this man, i’d strategise to sit next to him so i wouldn’t have to deal with seeing his face all night and giving myself a conversational handicap by drifting off in the middle of a sentence just because i got so mesmerised by his face. intimidatingly handsome.

K’Andre Miller

k’andre miller is easily the most gorgeous guy in the nhl. i’m not sure i could be in the same room as him. that picture of him with his girlfriend? it took me ten minutes to realise that there was a woman in the picture because i was too busy staring at him. and his girlfriend is beautiful!! but not as beautiful as him; alas, it would be a miraculous feat if she were. if attaining perpetual beauty is a sisyphean task, K’Andre Miller is simultaneously the rock the rest of humanity is pushing up that mountain and the benevolent victor at the mountaintop, looking down at us all with kind, pitying eyes. again, simply being in the same room as this man would instantly obliterate me into dust.

Nick Schmaltz

i will admit that i could be in the same room as nick schmaltz and even look him in the face, albeit not for long. but the instant there’s a friendly touch on my shoulder or back, it’s fucking over. nick schmaltz is the kind of beautiful that would induce full-body shivers if he got too close. i’d have a physical reaction from the proximity. he’d think i’d have allergies and i’d have to excuse myself to the bathroom and afterwards maintain 6 feet of distance for the rest of the night, which would no doubt leave him with the impression that i either hated him or was a freaky rude germaphobe.

Honourable Mentions:

Roman Josi

i’ve seen roman josi irl and he really is that handsome in real life. extremely attractive. intimidatingly hot for sure. however, i feel like i could hang out with him in a smaller group for an evening without embarrassing myself, so he doesn’t make the top 3.

Tom Wilson

tom wilson is very hot, but his actual beefcake stature would be the biggest reason to feel intimidated, also i’ve read various brobeans fic too often to not feel somewhat comfortable with the idea of chilling out with tom wilson for sure.

Carey Price

honourable mention bc he doesn’t play anymore. extremely beautiful man. couldn’t be in the same room as him for sure. my god what a beautiful man.

[the-greatest-magic-of-all]

Oopsie more~ <3

“You seem rather pleased with yourself.” Fabian spoke as soon as he heard the door shut and lock behind them, tossing his cloak across the back of one of the couches in the office adjoining his bedchambers before flopping heavily into one of the smaller (but no less opulent) armchairs across from it. Various rings and decorations getting tugged free from his person and dropped into a messy pile on the low table in front of him as the urge overtook him to shed some of his ridiculous finery, just for a while, in the privacy of his own living quarters with the one person who wouldn’t judge him for the display.

“Well, yeah?” Riz had left his post near the door, ears perked high and tail slowly swishing from side to side as he did a thorough check of the room before also closing and locking the door that led into Fabians bedchambers. Isolating the pair of them so they wouldn’t be disturbed by anyone without a proper heads up first.

“Did you see the look on Everpetals face? I’m glad I went to all that trouble to spread the rumour I died in that attack and couldn’t be revived. Any time I need to cheer myself up from now on I’m just going to think of that and feel instantly better.”

After dismissing Durden from his duties of guarding the King at that nights court function Riz had been his dutiful and ever present shadow the entire evening, causing more than a few of the guests in attendance to jump and double take when they noticed he was there. Everpetal had even made a snide comment that he must prefer the company of goblins if he was replacing his last goblin guard with another one, and the look on her face when Riz greeted her and she realised who it was had been incredibly amusing. Apparently, she had trouble telling goblins apart because she certainly hadn’t recognised his face or, it seemed, even expected him to still be alive at all.

“Gods, is that why so many of them were asking when I was going to replace you. Everpetal even had the gall to offer me one of her own knights.”  Fabian chuckled, resting his arms on his knees and letting his head hang as he slumped forwards. “I must have looked insane asking them why I would ever do such a thing.”

“Yes well, they should know better than to believe rumours without verifying the information first.” Riz finished his loop of the room, the rogue apparently satisfied that they were safe and taking up his post near the door.

Fabian heaved a long sigh, sitting up after a moment to glance over at his knight and actually look at him properly after a long afternoon of socialising and niceties with nobles that really didn’t deserve it. Most people wouldn’t notice the difference but it was clear the rogue was still not 100%. He wasn’t standing quite as straight, ears held just a fraction lower than was normal and his tail was hanging limp behind him with the tuft actually touching the ground.

Anyone else witnessing the scene would simply see a knight standing relaxed but alert, Fabian knew better though, pursing his lips and waving Riz over closer. Riz cocked his head to the side, the motion making his ears flop a bit, before padding over closer and moving to kneel. Fabian grabbing him by the shoulders to stop him and pressing a hand against his cheek.

“Stop. No. Not tonight I’ve had enough of it.” Fabian frowned, running his thumb over Riz’s cheek and earning a quiet purr from his knight. From this close Fabian could see the dark circles under his eyes and notice how pale his skin in comparison to its normal vibrant green. Even his eyes had become slightly duller, which was as clear an indication of any that the goblin was exhausted.

“You really shouldn’t be back yet.”

“I’m fine. You know I don’t like not working.” Riz leaned into the hand against his cheek and closed his eyes, Fabian taking the opportunity to trap the goblin in a hug and lean his chin against the top of his head. The half elf only releasing him when, as he tightened his grip slightly and bumped against the rogues chest, Riz made a muffled hissing noise at a pitch that usually indicated pain and flinched slightly.

“Hiss? What the hells do you mean hiss?” Fabian frowned, sitting back and holding Riz at arms length as the goblin averted his gaze. The half elf pressing his hand over his seal on the goblins chest and, though he didn’t hiss this time, the rogues tail thrashed slightly and he wasn’t able to hide a wince. “Are you…. Are you still injured? It’s been a week! Did they not heal you properly?”

Riz grimaced and ducked his head slightly, still not meeting Fabians gaze as he brought a hand up to place it gently over the one resting over his heart. “There were… complications. The blade was enchanted so that wounds inflicted would resist magical healing.”

Riz’s ears drooped slightly, the goblin glancing at Fabian and clearly catching the look of deep concern on his face with how he winced. “I was lucky. The two guards the assassin killed we couldn’t even bring back… The first one they revivified simply bled out again because they couldn’t close the wound. If you’re going to assassinate a King you need to make sure they can’t be so simply saved.”

“Let me see.”

Riz opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, probably a warning that that wasn’t an appropriate thing to ask as his King but apparently thinking better of it. Fabian wasn’t acting as his King right now, he was his friend and he was worried about him.

The goblin sighed and glanced over towards the door, obviously checking it was still locked before reaching up to start undoing the buckles of his armour. The sturdy leather getting dropped in a pile on the floor before he also undid the shirt underneath far enough that he could pull it off and dump it on the ground as well. Riz left standing in front of Fabian in nothing but his armoured slacks and the strip of bandages wrapped around his torso, which he also started fiddling with trying to unwind.

“You’re going to have to help me re-wrap this I’m not good at doing it on myself… I was probably due to change the dressings anyway but I was going to wait until Max took over tonight.” Riz flicked his tail, clicking his tongue when he had issues unwinding the bandage before simply ripping through it with his claws. He had a replacement in his bag, plus it wasn’t like he was going to be able to reuse it without risking an infection.

Once the bandages were gone he finally, carefully, pulled the gauze pad away from the injury on his chest. Fabian sucking air in through his teeth as he pulled the rogue closer to himself with a gentle grip on his sides and leaned forwards to inspect the injury more closely. They’d carefully stitched it closed but it still looked painful, five days of natural healing without magic not having done much to diminish the raw and painful looking wound on the goblins chest.

“Umberlee below, you should not be walking around yet. What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m fine. They missed anything important.” Riz sighed, bringing a hand up to pat the back of Fabians head when he dropped it to rest against the goblins shoulder.

“You’re not fine you look like shit.” Fabian mumbled, tightening his grip on Riz’s sides. He’d nearly died trying to protect him and if the blade had gone even an inch further they wouldn’t have even been able to bring him back. “I hate this. You shouldn’t be having to throw yourself in front of cursed blades for my sake. I’m not weak I can fight for myself.”

“I know you’re not but that’s literally my job description now.”

Fabian let out a humourless laugh, reaching up to hold the hand Riz was using to play with his hair in place as he leaned back far enough to look him in the eye. “Maybe I should fire you. Give you a nice plot of land somewhere sunny and a title as a reward for stopping an attempt on my life so you can enjoy your retirement in peace.”

Riz narrowed his eyes at that, frowning at Fabian and stifling a growl in the back of his throat. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh I would dare. I could keep you somewhere nice and safe and not have to worry about this.” He gestured to Riz’s chest with his free hand, the goblin frowning more and flicked his tail hard enough that he knocked some of the rings off the low table behind him.

“And who would you replace me with?”

“Sir Durden, he did a fine job while you were indisposed.”

“DURDEN?” Riz looked almost insulted, ears held high in affronted indignation before he caught the teasing glint in Fabians eye. The half elf reaching forwards to run his fingers through the goblins hair after a second which made him relax and drop forwards to press his forehead against Fabians shoulder. “Oh thank Gods I thought you were serious.”

“You’re right I wouldn’t dare. I’d last less than a week before abdicating without you around.” Fabian chuckled, playing with the rogues hair for a little while longer before pushing him to stand up straight. “That being said though you really should still be resting. You look exhausted and you clearly haven’t recovered properly.”

“I’m-“

“Yes I know you’re fine.” Fabin cut Riz off before he could continue, dropping his hands away from the rogue and resting them on his own knees. “But you’re in no condition to be on your feet all day. We’ll reapply your bandages and once you’re dressed you’re going to lie down for a while.”

“That-“

“Frankly I could not give less of a shit about what’s appropriate right now. The door is locked, we’re alone, and I can take care of myself for a few hours. No one has to know you’re resting on the job.”

Riz gave a resigned sigh at that, though he was smiling slightly and his tail was making slow content arcs behind him as he dug in the bag on his hip for replacement bandages. This fight was a road they’d walked down many times in the past, even before Fabians ascent to the throne. “I’m not going to win this argument, am I?”

“Have you ever?”

“I think I did once, in the Red Wastes that one time.”

Fabian scoffed at that, watching Riz clean the wound on his chest before reaching forwards to help him re-wrap the bandages and hold the dressings in place. “You most certainly did not. In fact I clearly remember pinning you down until you got a decent nights rest.”

“Oh I count that as a moral victory on my part.” Riz grinned, tail flicking from side to side happily as he bent down to retrieve his tunic and pull it back over his head. The goblin shooting Fabian a teasing look as he started to re-buckle his armour on over the top. “If I keep refusing to take a rest would you try pinning me down again? That wouldn’t be very Kingly of you.”

“Watch it, The Ball. Keep fighting me on this and I very well might.”

I can't even call this one an oopsie. This took a minute. But I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed your part. 💖

-- part 1 | part 2 -> part 4 --

Before bedding down for the night, Fabian had his secretary clear his morning of any audiences and meetings. Knowing that, on Saturday nights, he could use the excuse of staying up late in prayer to Galicaea and not wanting this holy time to be disturbed by mundane politics and such. Giving Riz, who promised to spend his four hours of rest in the infirmary, a chance to slip under Fabian’s plush covers after releasing Sir Durden from his watch. Careful to get into a position that did not worsen his injury further.

It was quite lovely, having a lazy morning for the first time since ascending to the throne of Fallinel. Streams of early morning light drifted through the bay window’s diaphanous curtains. Highlighting all of the wandering specks of dust in the air. Airy birdsong broke up the peaceful silence every so often. As did the faint murmurs and rumbles of activity in the Alcethmeret’s lower floors. The ambery scent of burning sandalwood incense (for his “prayers”) filled the air. Smelling of warmth, in stark opposition to the wintery chill that came with his chamber’s fire going out half an hour ago.

An upstart religious revolutionary (who happened to be his good friend’s ex) had brought Winter to his kingdom for the first time in millennia. Giving him a political headache but also that sweet chilliness that made bundling up underneath warm covers even better. Something made all that better with a happily purring Goblin in his arms.

Both were utterly unaware of the storm that was about to blow over them.

One of Riz’s ears pricked, angled above the sheet and toward Fabian’s chamber doors. Soon, his entire head was poking out of the many layers of sheets. Brows furrowed, he tried to deduce what exactly he was picking up.

“Something the matter?” Fabian asked from beneath the sheets, his voice still thick with sleep and arms loosely wrapped around Riz.

“Someone’s coming up the stairs a bit too quickly,” Riz answered. The fur on the back of his neck raised as he swiped his tail at Fabian’s face, attempting to get his King to release him. You know, so that he could do his job. “No, two someones.”

Unphased by a faceful of tail fur, Fabian cracked open his only eye and murmured, “I’m guessing you think it’s not servants.”

“Maybe one… Hold on,” Riz said before his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. Caught between wanting to dash to the doors and shielding his best friend, he whipped around to face Fabian. Horror in his eyes as he tried to get out, “Oh no, it’s—”

“Your Majesty, Lady Aelwen has requested your presence!”

Fabian nearly jumped out of his skin as he locked eyes with Riz before they darted down at their shared state of dress.

Shit, shit, shit!

The voice of one of his maids—Miss Silvergrove, he thinks—filtered through not only his bedroom door but the door to his drawing room/office. “I informed her of your schedule, yet she insisted. She’s asked me to tell you—wait, My Lady!”

“King Fabian Aramais Seacaster, I demand an audience promptly,” came Aelwen’s familiarly devilish voice. Louder than Miss Silvergrove, she must’ve burst through that first set of doors. “Come decline me to my face, my liege, because this office and receiving room of yours look quite comfy. Might stay for a while with or without you.”

Of course, he couldn’t have a single morning of peace! Why her, of all people?!

“Just a moment!” Fabian called out, rocketing out of his bed and toward his massive closet to grab a golden silk dressing gown. Hastily throwing it on, he sped over to the low table where he discarded his jewellery last night. He shoved on as many rings, bracelets, and pendants as was required to be presentable.

Riz might’ve said something, but Fabian hushed him with a “stay put” gesture as he slid across the sleek tiled floors to reach his bedroom doors. Just in time to catch the doorknob before it turned, he opened it himself. Revealing the fair yet evilly playful face of one Lady Aelwen Abernant.

“Oh, there you are, your Majesty,” She said, her deep blue eyes full of the mirth of a cat toying with a mouse. The last time he saw her, her flaxen hair had flowed down her back; now, it had been shorn in a Solisian-style pixie cut. Practical and functional for the matricidal expedition she and Adaine had embarked on but, much like her dark green traveller’s robes, still exuded poise and refinement.

Fabian would be lying if he said that she didn't make his heart skip a beat as he laid eyes on her. However, he’d never live it down if it showed so plainly on his face. So, he did his best to school his face into one befitting his station. Raising his chin and straightening his back to fill as much of the doorway as possible, he said, “You’re back.”

“I’m back!” Aelwen echoed in a sing-songy lilt, her grin only widening.

Fabian cocked an eyebrow, “For what do I owe this early morning pleasure?”

“Can’t I visit an old friend and current ruler?” Aelwen asked, her grin turning to a pout as she rocked back and forth in her well-worn boots. Stalling on one of the lean-ins to bat her eyelashes at him.

Umberlee below, this won’t be a brief conversation, then?

Letting out a defeated sigh (to Aelwen’s delighted giggle), Fabian leaned around to catch the eyes of the mousey maid, who’d looked ashen at having let Aelwen in. Poor thing, she probably thought he’d fire her. Softening his voice, he called out, “Miss Silvergrove?”

The young woman jumped at his voice, but still, she gave him a strained smile and a bow. “Yes, your Majesty?”

“Please inform your superior that I’ll take my breakfast up here this morning. Thank you.”

He'd never been more jealous as he watched Miss Silvergrove scurry away from this whole situation.

At the sound of the drawing-room door shutting, Fabian allowed himself to at least slouch a bit now that he was alone with his ex-girlfriend. “Aelwen—”

“Uh uh,” She said, waggling a finger at him and looking all too pleased to correct him.

Fabian rolled his eyes. “Alright, Lady Aelwen—”

“Nope,” Aelwen interrupted once more. And when Fabian had had enough of her antics, crossing his arms and giving her a look, she huffed a bit. Slightly upset at her fun being ruined, she took a step back, gathered the ends of her outfit's long coat, and curtsied daintily. Her chin high and a smirk on her plush lips, she said, “That’s The Lady Abernant to you, my Good King. No more courtesy titles for me!”

Now, that was some good news.

“Your quest to Slyvaire was a success?” Fabian asked as relief rushed through him. Thanks to their duties as King and Knight, he and Riz couldn't accompany Adaine and her on their quest to kill their mother to take control of their family name and what was left of their wealth and title. The best he could do was pay for the best hirelings money could buy to aid them, and it looks like it paid off. A tiny weight off of his mind, Fabian risked gently taking her by the shoulders and said, “Congratulations!”

Aelwen, fortunately, didn’t mind the physical contact, taking hold of his shoulders as a genuine smile slipped through her mask of snark and caustic wit. “Thank you very much!”

“Did she go down easy?”

For a second, something dark and haunted flitted over her eyes and her fingers dug into the fabric of his dressing gown. Fabian went to pull her closer, but she pushed away from him first. Her mask was fully back on as she groaned and pouted. “No, she was a horrid bitch to fight.” Then, in a flash, it was all gone. Replaced by charm and devilishness, she said, “But now she’s dead, and her title is mine. Ha ha ha!”

That small moment of hauntedness didn’t sit well with Fabian, but he knew better than to push Aelwen on matters of feelings and trauma. He was the same way. He settled on asking Adaine to give him a full debrief later.

“So, you’ve come all the way to the Capital to gloat?” Fabian teased a bit as he guided her to sit in one of the room's dinette's antique cushioned chairs.

“Well, yes, a bit, but also to see if you’d been overthrown yet,” Aelwen said as she sank into the comfy antique seat. Taking to it like she owned the whole damn palace around it.

Fabian rolled his eye as he took his seat opposite her. “Wow, such confidence in my abilities.”

“Ha! I have only ever put my confidence in one person, and she can see the future, so,” She shot back with a laugh and a shrug. Running her hands down the intricately carved armrests, she went on, “Though I must confess, I’ve also come back because I’ve dearly missed court gossip. Of which I got plenty of it upon my glorious return to the Starry Court as its prodigal daughter.” Pausing, she lifted her eyes to meet his and arched a brow in a silent question.

The King of Fallinel, his Serene Majesty, sputtered and gaped at her, offended that she even had to silently ask if he wanted to bitch the pot with her. Who did she think he was? “Yes, I’d like to hear it. Of course!”

As the sun rose higher in the Fallinese sky, a King and a Lady traded scandalous secrets and piping hot gossip over a delightfully filling breakfast spread. Teacups in hand, they snatched muffins and scones between thoughts or when they wanted the other to hang on their every word. It was a surprisingly pleasant time. One filled with barks of stifled laughter and so much spilled tea (literally and metaphorically). It was nice to talk so candidly with someone other than Riz, especially about the more lurid kinds of rumours that usually put him off.

And as if she’d read Fabian’s mind (who knows, maybe she had?), Aelwen emptied the last of the tea in her cup before clinking it down and asking, “Before I get to the really good stuff, where is your little Goblin guard? Not everything I’m about to say is flattering to all parties involved.”

“Sir Riz knows the importance of secrets, don’t worry,” Fabian answered, his mind drifting back to his room, though he was sure that Riz had slipped into the drawing room at some point. There’s simply no way he’d resist the allure of his duties in favour of resting, especially since he’d always regard Aelwen with a level of suspicion. “You won’t find him.”

Aelwen flipped him off as she made a point to lean all the way over to scan underneath the room’s various seats and tables. Fabian could only chuckle as she was this close to crawling under his sturdy, oaken writing desk. He got another middle finger for his troubles, as well as a heated glare. “Where is—Is he dead already?”

“Bold of you to assume that he cannot see you just because you cannot see him,” Fabian said with complete confidence in his knight’s stealth capabilities. Taking a long sip of his tea and not even hiding his smirk, he primly remarked, “He is exactly where he needs to be.”

Without missing a beat, Aelwen whipped her head up to stare into his eye with a wide, nigh feral grin on her face as she asked, “Where? In your bed?”

Aelwen made his heart miss a beat again.

What?

How?!

Rearing back, clutching onto his teacup for dear life, Fabian’s childhood stutter returned with a vengeance, “W-why would—why, why would you even—I-I can explain—”

“There was a pile of tiny armour on your footboard bench, and there were pillow lines on your cheek,” Aelwen said, nodding her head toward his bed chamber before attempting to lean over the table and poke his cheek with a finger. Of which didn’t get within an inch of him before Riz darted out of a shadowy corner to scale Fabian’s chair and snatch Aelwen’s wrist. Holding it firm, he locked eyes with her and let out a snarly hiss. Amazingly, Aelwen looked shocked to be suddenly grabbed for a moment, but soon enough, her cheeky smile was back. “Well, hello, Sir knight! Nice of you to join us.”

Ears pinned back, hackles raised, pupils narrowed, tail rapidly slapping back and forth. Fabian knew everything in Riz’s body was waiting for Aelwen to make one more wrong move. Waiting for her to give him a reason to pounce. It was a wonder how he kept his voice low and steady as he said, “If you even think about telling anyone about what you saw, I swear to Cassandra above and Ankarna below —”

“Oh, please. Calm yourself, Sir Ball. I’m not going to go around telling anyone about finding a nohecharei in the King’s bed,” She said with a roll of her eye and a dismissive chuckle. “As long as you stop eavesdropping and join us. I prefer to see who’s hearing my gossip.”

The two of them stared the other down, both refusing to be the one to blink first. Riz bared his fangs. Aelwen sneered. Fabian’s ex-girlfriend and his best friend. Locked in a trial of… what? Who was the better person? Who was the most cutthroat? The most ruthless? Who Fabian loved more? He didn’t know. He just wanted it to end because he could see from tiny twitches that his position perched on Fabian’s armrest was hurting Riz to hold. The whole point of the morning was to give him rest, not make his injury worse.

Gently, as not to startle him, Fabian covered where Riz was gripping Aelwen’s wrist with his left hand and held his hip with his right. A flicked ear was all the acknowledgment Fabian needed to proceed with his plan. Leaning close, Fabian lowered his voice to a whispery plea and said, “Riz.” His knight stayed locked in, but Fabian felt Riz’s grip on Aelwen loosened a tad. Progress. Fabian leaned in even closer, catching his eye for a moment to ask, “Join us. Please?”

Again, it took a handful of moments for Riz to come down from his battle footing, but slowly, he did. His ears shifted to a submissive position, his hackles lowered, his tail slowed, and his pupils widened as he turned to look at Fabian. With one last glare at Aelwen, Riz said, “As you wish, your Majesty.”, and released her wrist.

Aelwen snatched her wrist back and watched as Fabian eased Riz onto a chair—one where he could see both of the room’s doors and its windows. Almost gagging at how Fabian tucked Riz’s chair in like a gentleman and began pouring his knight a cup of coffee and gathering the food items he liked the best. It was all so adorably disgusting in Aelwen’s book that she simply had to push past it. “Yes, yes, good, good. Now! Shove a scone in your mouth and get ready to chat shit.”

Satisfied with his vantage point and the warm coffee in his hands, Riz gave her a nod and a sharp, “Copy that.”

“Now, where was I?” Aelwen asked herself as Fabian settled back in his chair. “Oh, right! If you’d believe it, Lady Everpetal invited me to join her family in attending Miss Nightingale’s opera performance tonight. In the most condescending way possible, mind you. Asking if I’m even allowed on the opera’s property after my imprisonment. God, she’s a horrid bitch.” Both he and Riz nodded, inclined to agree. But Aelwen swiftly followed it up with, “I kind of loved it, though. But that’s all beside the point. Mean, nasty women are hot; what’s new—”

Face aghast, Riz brought his coffee to his lips and muttered in amazement, ”You both have mommy issues?”

“Watch it,” Fabian shot back at him despite semi-agreeing with his ex.

“Could you two pay attention? I think you’ll enjoy this,“ Aelwen said, rubbing her temples, knowing that their little back and forth would continue for the rest of their gossiping session. “A little birdie informed me of a possible connection between Lord Everpetal’s ever-increasing taxes and his alleged Leviathan gambling debts.”

Now, that was the kind of gossip Sir Riz Gukgak felt the most comfortable dealing in.

In one swift motion, Riz plucked the half-full teapot off of the table and went about filling Aelwen’s cup up to just under the brim. Mostly ignoring Aelwen’s satisfied look and Fabian’s fondly amused one, Riz settled back into his seat with his coffee before giving Aelwen a patient nod. “Do go on, my Lady.”

[luna-rainbow]

Ah yeah. There was that excellent Twitter chain when the show screened from a practising psychologist talking about how bad the therapy was. /

i mean... there were also veterans, real veterans, who spoke about how that was the "therapy" assigned from the uS government so it wasn't so inaccurately. it I'd wrong but yeah they said that's exactly what they get which sucks... there was this woman specifically, a Black woman, she does tiktoks and so and she did a long video on YouTube talking specifically about that scene and how much it sucks that the real actual government gives them that...

I’ve seen that video. It was a great video with a lot of insight into veteran experiences. I don’t remember what she said about therapy specifically but she spoke a lot about how hard it was to get the system to recognise her trauma or for her abusers to have any form of retribution.

From memory though, most of the vets were commenting on the first therapy scene. The psychologist I referenced was also talking about that scene. It was a great scene of bad therapy, not because it’s unrealistic, but because sadly it isn’t. That said, it doesn’t affect the headcanon that the therapy program was just to keep an eye on Bucky. Vets who had poor experiences with the VA say they feel it was aimed at getting them back into duty without actually addressing their trauma. A lot of people (myself included) liked the first therapy scene when it screened, because we saw bad therapy for a traumatised POW and thought the story was going somewhere with it, but....uh, nope. (** This post is already getting too long but good storytelling isn't about realism, it's about creating meaning)

I haven’t seen many comments from vets (apart from one commenter on the other post, thank you 😊) specifically talking about the couples therapy scene. And I was talking about the couples therapy scene specifically as being so poorly done (and in context of the poorly researched writing elsewhere in that series) it's unrealistic.

Firstly, massive faux pas in Raynor disclosing Bucky’s treatment to JOHN F(ucking) WALKER. That’s a HIPAA violation right there and while Bucky might not know anything about it, Sam could report her ass right there and then. Also Walker somehow…can dictate the treatment program? (Although I wouldn’t put it past the military) But he’s not even Bucky’s superior officer? Bucky's not even in the military? Raynor said in the first therapy session that “you’re a civilian now” so how does Walker get a say?

Raynor then discloses treatment details to Sam - although I’ll let this one go because Bucky might have consented to that. She then insists Sam join Bucky for the session, which…can happen but neither Sam nor Bucky wanted it, and why would you want to spring a group session on not ONE difficult patient but two?

When Sam sat down, he had to ask her name, which means they’ve never met before. He tries to tell her it’s a really bad time, and it’s clear from his tone and body language that he’s not wanting to engage. She not only does nothing to address that, she doesn’t even do the basic courtesy of taking a history from Sam before launching into her confrontational “treatment”. Look, maybe psychologists are built different but a clinician starting treatment without even knowing the background? If we’re going to treat psychology as real therapy and not voodoo science, then like all physical treatments, it comes with risks. How TF do you assess that risk if you haven’t even talked to the patient??

So she then subjects Sam and Bucky to “couples therapy” which unsurprisingly triggers both of them because she hasn't assessed her patient. Sure, prolonged eye-contact between real couples is meant to increase intimacy and empathy. But you know what other situation people use prolonged eye contact? When the fight response is engaged and it’s a warning for imminent aggression.

So, good work fake therapist for doing the human equivalent of making two angry bulls lock horns then patting herself on the back on creating intimacy. “Look they are touching their foreheads together how cute” no the fuck not they are about to gore each other in the eye.

Luckily for her Sam and Bucky had enough wits about them to not actually hit each other, but they did the verbal equivalent of the same, and both of them left that therapy session more angry and hurt than they were when they started.

TL;DR - the second therapy session was a load of BS because

HIPAA violation upfront and throughout

Walker for no reason dictating Bucky's treatment

Raynor dragging Sam into therapy without having ever met him before

Raynor subjecting Sam to therapy without assessing him

Eye contact used erroneously in a situation that is likely to increase aggression

These are not just bad therapy, it's bad writing from someone who doesn't know how therapy works.

[my-head-is-an-animal]

Caustic: An Origin Story

Caustic/Alexander Nox x Original Female Character

Rating: 18 +

Chapter 1

My name is Captain Jessica Wells and I was his research assistant, nothing more, nothing less. I kept to myself, I did my work and I went home. On rare occasions when he was in a bad mood I would help him bandage up any wounds that he refused to get treatment for, my previous job was as a field doctor and I was very good at it, better when I had a little more than a few seconds to treat anyone’s injuries.

    But I was dismissed from the army and sent back home. Honourably discharged at the age of twenty-five. What a state to have been left in. I had no prospects other than in the science field, I couldn’t go back into a warzone, I just couldn’t. They call it PTSD or shell shock sometimes, it means I can’t hear a loud noise like a pop or a bang without immediately reaching for some form of weapon and hiding beneath an armoured truck, only to find that I’ve picked up a random object and have slid into the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink.

    Once I got back home, I needed to look for work immediately, but no one was hiring war veterans and certainly not ones that showed the reality of what war actually did to you if you stayed there long enough. I applied for hundreds of jobs and was turned down from all of them, until I saw a small advert looking for a lab assistant with the famous Humbert Labs. It was a huge opportunity and one I was certain I wouldn’t get, but I managed to secure an interview nonetheless and passed through the first stage with suspicious ease.

    The second stage was an obscure set of questions asking me about my scientific experience and any personal commitments, of which I had none. I told them I’d just come back from war so friends were significantly lacking and I had yet to discover any worthwhile hobby to occupy myself with. I thought at that point it was a negative on my part, but the next day I received a phone call saying I would be taken to the labs for the final stage.

    I met Dr Nox seconds after sitting down in the waiting area, he scanned over the room where there were four other very pretty interviewees, each looking more cosmetic than the last and I rolled my eyes so hard internally that I barely noticed doing it externally. That earned me a look from Dr Nox that I didn’t quite understand just yet, but I would come to recognise it as amused approval.

    One by one the other four were taken into the office and each interview seemed shorter than the last with each woman leaving slightly more upset as they went on. I took a deep breath and soon found out why. Dr Nox was a very intrusive man, not so much physically, he kept a significant distance between us, stating that he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable and if I did, then I should let him know immediately.

    The interview was long and I couldn’t understand why all those women had left in such a bad way, he was a perfectly reasonable individual, he knew what he wanted, knew what he liked and the position I was applying for was to simply allow him the room to conduct his research away from prying eyes. Perfectly reasonable.

    I managed to get the job and according to the other staff in the surrounding labs, I had kept the job a lot longer than any other assistant had managed. Six months didn’t seem like that long, but then it also didn’t feel like it had been a whole six months since I started, time had flown by and yet, I had gotten to know Dr Nox about as well as anyone ever had.

    He disliked anyone intruding on his personal labs, the area that I occupied just outside wasn’t so much of a concern for him and I quite liked the solitude from time to time, but beyond the door behind my desk was a strictly no-go zone, it didn’t matter who you were, unless he’d given you express permission and informed me, you weren’t getting in there.

    I kept a note of things he felt were important to him, files, plans, ideas and some objects that I partially recognised from one experiment or another and made sure that if they were left out, they were tidied away before I left for the evening.

    I learnt to recognise his small gestures and expressions, some of which were easy, like if he was about to get extremely angry or if he just wanted to be left alone, others took me a little while to catch onto, things like amused approval, exhaustion or hunger setting in and one that shocked me more than anything, concern. Dr Nox rarely showed concern for any living things, the only exception was Natalie Paquette a young girl and daughter to one of Nox’s close friends and even then, it was only when she was in the medical wing after a bad electrical shock and he asked me go down and check up on her for him.

    At the time, I wondered whether I should have said I was there for Dr Nox, but decided to keep it to myself and make out like I was there of my own accord having gotten a little closer with the young girl. I reported back and watched the subtle shift in his shoulders as the tension released and his curt nod, before quickly getting back to work. Concern.

    People would often ask how I managed to survive so long working under the sadistic scientist, but the truth was I loved my job, it was easy, keep Nox happy and I could be happy. I wasn’t in the business of impressing people or higher ups, supervisors or even Nox himself, I think he respected that and that was how I managed to stay in the job for so long.

    Of course, over the time I had been working in the labs, I’d had a couple of episodes which hadn’t gone unnoticed by my boss. He was kind enough about it, acknowledging that the war still plagued me somewhat. He wasn’t comfortable with the subject and I really didn’t need him to be, just accepting. However, it was time I did something about it and I wondered how he would take it.

    ‘Dr Nox,’ I knocked on the door, entering of my own accord as he preferred me to do and only after he’d finished writing a few notes. ‘Sorry to disturb you, but I wondered if I might get a quick word with you at some point today?’

    I’d never seen his head move so fast towards me, his pale eyes scanned my whole being, something he regularly did, not because he was checking me out or doing anything inappropriate, but more because he wasn’t sure how to best judge the situation and was taking in his surroundings; again, it was just a thing he did and it never bothered me.

    ‘Is there something wrong?’ He asked, not moving, but still keeping his gaze fixed with mine.

    ‘Not with my work, no. I just need to talk to you about a private matter that may affect my work.’ Upfront and honest, exactly what he preferred.

    ‘If it’s important, I can make time now.’ Dr Nox was always like that, if I wanted to tell him something I deemed important then he would drop everything to listen, I knew he disliked doing it, so I tried to avoid bringing anything to his attention unless it was crucial.

    ‘It’s not so important for you to stop working,’ I interrupted him and watched him stop tidying a few things away. ‘It can wait until you’ve finished whatever you’re doing, I just want to know that I can talk to you for a minute or two today.’

    ‘Of course.’ Dr Nox nodded and looked at his watch. ‘I should finish this experiment in forty-five minutes, would that be an adequate time for you to return?’

    ‘Any time is a good time for me,’ I smiled. ‘I’ll come back when you’re ready.’

    The reality was, I was quite nervous to talk to him, Dr Nox wasn’t an overly intrusive man like I had first thought, but he was sometimes a little difficult to handle and hard to talk to about anything that wasn’t related to his work. I didn’t mind, I rarely had anything to say, but when I did, he was awkward and scrambled for the correct things to say. I told him a thousand times that there wasn’t a correct thing to say, just whatever was on his mind was good enough.

    I had been on a date the month previous with a man I quite enjoyed spending time with and when I had walked into work with a smile on my face, Dr Nox noticed. He asked questions about the date, things I enjoyed, things I didn’t and then he stopped speaking altogether and stated he didn’t know how to proceed, I’d told him it was fine, we didn’t need to talk about it if it made him uncomfortable, but he didn’t respond and soon we got back to work.

    Only thirty minutes had passed when Nox came out of his lab to tell me he had finished.

    ‘Already?’ I said, a little startled by his sudden appearance, it was almost unheard of for him to come to me with anything.

    ‘You’re surprised?’ Another thing about Dr Nox, he had a fun side, it was rare to see it, but on occasion he would tease me about one thing or another, nothing major, just friendly banter here and there. ‘Why don’t we head into the office?’ I nodded and went to stand up, shuffling a few things around on my desk. ‘I’ll make some coffee.’

    Well, that was new, Dr Nox never made his own coffee, at least, I’d never seen it happen. I quickly finished up and wandered into the office where, sure enough, he was sitting back in his chair reading through something on his tablet and sipping his steaming coffee. I took the seat opposite and noticed a second cup with coffee in it, did he really make another human being a coffee? Me?

    ‘Apologies.’ He said, putting the tablet down and turning to face me, smiling a little. ‘Black with one sugar, I’m not forgetting, am I?’ That was how I liked my coffee best, I was okay with more or less sugar, even a dash of milk didn’t bother me, but my favourite way to enjoy coffee had always been black with one sugar.

    ‘I didn’t realise you knew how to make coffee, let alone take orders.’ I teased, making him half laugh. ‘Thank you, you didn’t have to.’

    ‘No, but you seem nervous, so I presumed it might make you more comfortable.’

    I suddenly frowned, stopping myself before I took a sip. ‘Wait, have you put something else in this? Some kind of truth serum? Or… I don’t know, an aphrodisiac.’ At least it made him laugh, I sipped the hot liquid, knowing that he would never have put anything in it without my permission, we’d covered that in week one.

    ‘I imagine if I had broken one of your rules, you would know immediately and I would suffer severe consequences. Suffice to say, it would be more hassle than I have time for.’

    ‘Oh really? So that’s the only thing stopping you.’

    ‘That and you’re psychologically corrupted, so it wouldn’t be a fair experiment, too many variables.’

    We both chuckled. This was the banter I enjoyed, acknowledging each other’s faults and mocking them in a gentle way.

    ‘Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about,’ I swallowed, noting that Dr Nox took on a slightly more serious expression. I felt his gaze on me and knew that I was the only thing holding his attention, it was just something he did out of respect, I never asked for much, but when I did, he made sure to at least show me the respect of listening, even if there was nothing he could or I wanted him to do about it. ‘I…I haven’t exactly…’ I so rarely felt my courage faltering. ‘This is difficult for me to say, so please forgive my stuttering, I’m not trying to make things awkward for either of us.’

    ‘Take your time.’ He said, gently and relaxed back into his chair, sipping his coffee and patiently waiting. I couldn’t recall a time when I had seen him this way.

    I took a breath and tried to be brave. ‘I haven’t been coping well… since the war…’ I swallowed again. ‘I don’t… I don’t tend to sleep well, I’ve had more episodes at home, but just because I live in quite a noisy building… it’s easier when I’m here, it’s quieter… I went to a doctor and he suggested I go to a group… to talk about the war.’ I swallowed again and shook my head. ‘I’m sorry, I just… I’ve never really had to deal with anything like this for myself before.’

    ‘Jessica, you don’t need to apologise,’ Dr Nox suddenly said, raising his hand to stop my stuttering. ‘And you do not need to be nervous in approaching me with issues such as these. I’m not a medical doctor, nor can I relate to your personal struggles, but you know that, so there must be another reason you are telling me about this.’

    I smiled and half sighed. ‘The group meet once a week and the first meeting is tomorrow, I’ll need to leave early to make it on time.’

    Dr Nox took a deep breath and nodded. ‘I’ll allow it.’ He had that cheeky grin, the one that made me forget why I was nervous in the first place.

    ‘You’ll allow it?’ I shot back playfully. ‘As if you own my time? As if you are going to stop me from simply leaving?’

    ‘I wouldn’t dream of stopping you from doing anything,’ he chuckled. ‘As previously discussed, it would be more hassle than it’s worth.’

    I laughed and just watched him for a moment. ‘Thank you for letting me do this.’

    ‘You don’t need to thank me, but may I ask you something?’ I nodded and sipped more of my coffee. ‘Do you enjoy working here?’

    ‘Of course, I do. Why do you ask?’

    ‘Not everyone has enjoyed their time with me, as you would have noted four months ago from the email from Dr Humbert, I tend to get through assistants quite quickly.’

    ‘That’s probably because they all tried to shape you into something you’re not, tried to tame you in some way.’

    ‘And you don’t think you’ve done that as well?’

    ‘Well, if I have, it wasn’t intentional.’ I suddenly had the feeling we were talking about something else. ‘Dr Nox, I never tried to change you, I just tried to make sure you were happy in your work, left you alone when you wanted peace, made sure you ate when it was clear you weren’t going to take on that responsibility yourself, and you always seemed to work better for it. Have I done something wrong?’

    ‘No.’ He said, softly. ‘Not a single thing.’ He smiled. ‘I just want to make sure that you are happy here… I would rather not have to look for another assistant and I doubt I could find one with your… personality.’

    ‘My personality? Well, that’s quite the compliment.’ I smiled.

    ‘Indeed.’ He nodded and watched me for a moment. ‘You are more than an adequate colleague, Jessica. I would rather not lose you.’

    ‘Is that your way of saying I’m great at my job and you like me?’

    ‘It is.’

    ‘Good, I’d rather not have to leave either.’ I smiled.

    ‘If there’s anything else you require of me, do not hesitate to ask.’

    ‘Wouldn’t dream of it.’ I stood up grabbing my coffee. ‘Now, come on, enough with the chit chat, back to work.’

    Nox laughed and stood up to his towering six foot four height, I somehow never found it especially intimidating. ‘Yes, ma’am.’

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[what-thisiscrazzzy]

I’ve started noticing that bc I spent so much of lockdown alone and am no longer in high school so the part of my brain that built social filters of school appropriate behaviour vs home behaviour has switched off I have recognised a lot more ‘weird’ behaviours. Especially after spending a year living in student accom as home behaviour is also a lot different

Like I make a lot of noise. I wouldn’t call it singing but it’s not humming, you know when people mimic guitars? It’s kinda like that. And it feels nice and it s comforting but it’s also ‘weird’ and not something most people do. Kinda like singing without words or sometimes it’s really bad beat boxing. There was a period of time when I just kept saying part of the duck song and another where I think I do part of Master of Puppets ?

But also I can go a whole day without making a noise and this can also be really comforting. Or go a long time at least and I enjoy this. This one was an issue bc combined with enjoying not sitting in my room 24/7 it was easy to accidentally scare flatmates bc they didn’t know where I was like being on the couch and them walking past

Similarly I’m often lost in thought and could spend an hour staring at a wall. Once literally watched paint dry

I’m a fidgeter. Was wearing a ring at the doctors office and my mum told me I was rude about how I was messing about with it but I had zero idea. I often forget people focus on hands bc I spend some much time trying to focus on faces. Also have zero idea the appropriate amount of time you can look at someone’s face bc I feels weird especially in seminars but also not looking is rude.

I love to move my hands and ‘talk’ but silently when I’m thinking. Often I go outside since people find pacing irritating.

Additionally I don’t always react straight away my responses can be slow

I enjoy sitting in ways that apparently aren’t conventional. Including on the ground, on things that aren’t chairs, pretzel style

I eat when hungry or when I notice I haven’t eaten (I don’t always recognise hunger) which is often at odd times. Although I uni as the year went on everyone does this

IDk there’s a lot more that I don’t recognise about myself but is definitely considered odd by others

[thesecretattic]

ANOTHER COINCIDENCE More revelation (God, images etc) LAST NOTE before dying:

My hands otherwise have a beautiful shape but I’ve got hyperpigmentation near the elbows and even as a kid I was very conscious (ignore my typos pls I can’t type I’m not in that state) I wud avoid wearing sleeveless as a kid and I was even mocked for hiding it as a grown up, I saw another blogger having that and it seemed normal, she wouldn’t hide it… in today times some are breaking these beauty standards while others are revelling in superficiality, I never stalked Harsh after 2016 Feb (there was some fanclub which led me to Jiya in Oct 2022) in his phone pics I had noticed that his arms were looking like that too from down (mine is also only in and around the elbow region external) and I thought he was like me, that’s why I chose him I didn’t know he was fair (until last year)

I have those old pics in my previous laptop it was the camera’s fault, I thought he was like me and then all those signs and coincidences suggested that he was my soulmate www.lilacnights.com/post/stupid-cupid

I have this intrinsic naturally occurring love for him which has overlooked and justified (vindicated) everything till now like an exception, that makes me believe we are soulmates, I also knew his moustache pic, the fiery eyed shot and the other face long before I’d seen it which is impossible, I always had it in mind. They say your soulmate is the one whom you’ll recognise, I never thought it meant that in LITERAL SENSE like for real! I’ll tell you which one or which phase I was the most attached to, without seeing it (I never saw him after 2016 Feb but I came across these images at some point and I was surprised cuz I always had those faces in mind) anyway the fiery eyed was the one I was the most attached to, except for the demonic eyes. It was a shot from some show idk which one it was associated with his old number which now belongs to some Bhavsar community.

All after meeting Harsh I don’t want to blame him but I would always say I deserved the way my hand would be pulled and twisted during childhood and teens it could’ve easily caused carpel tunnel the nerves would get crushed and pulled I would feel choked and I would scream in pain it was stretched beyond limit but I would swallow it all with my tears hoping one day someone will come and my life would be the opposite but 8 years of my youth went here in the same house which is a SHAME.

I felt like I deserved it due to that part after how he behaved with me, I’m dying and I feel my soul is suffering today and dying without my soulmate because of the exterior and it deserves to be punished, it deserves that pain. Secondly when I said charming in my previous post (regarding that other guy the “cute” post) ppl completely forgot that I had stated long back in one of my quote cards: “I never wanted a Prince Charming, I always wanted Robin Hood” But I had to make people realise that even though girls can easily fall for cute lisp waale sweet talking sugarcoated charmers, do we? Do we leave someone for a rich and charming guy like tht? Is it so easy to change our mind? I wanted to move on later cuz Harsh didn’t want me and I was forcing my myself to like other people but tht guy wasn’t good so I didn’t fall either way, if however “Harsh” would’ve liked me I wouldn’t have left him for that boy, as a soulmate I always loved and respected him. And back then I wasn’t even aware that he was my soulmate, I didn’t have so many signs.

Scary Part

Last but not the least here are a few more things: I am a bit scared I kept asking why all this happened and somewhere some fortune site suggested I was a Guinea pig in God’s experiment where he wanted to see how much a human can survive without dying (his creation) by putting him through immense torture and suffering, remember some counsellor had said “Your threshold was crossed long ago at 17 itself you’ve faced more than anyone I’ve met before…” she had said that in 2016 after that things took a turn for worse and now I’ve faced more than anyone even in hell. He wanted to see for how long his “creation” could survive without dying on their own (without any illness or accident) but lots of grief, unfairness, immense torture, heartbreaks, affliction, cruelty etc. which is worse than murder cuz it’s a slow death based on intense torture or trauma (even in my chronic pain syndrome which is called fibromyalgia my pressure points were tortured with knuckles and fists and I have other Neuro issues too now due to him and everyone cuz he too was in fact even now, is a constant source of stress) But just because God placed me amongst narcissists - they all share the same attitude, same traits same ignorance and blocking even my family members and Preet Harsh they all even share the same birthdate! My mother, Harsh’s mother and even Preet they are all born on 21st Dec, just because he placed me amongst such people it doesn’t mean THEY SHOULD HAVE BEHAVED LIKE THAT and aided god in his plan. How cruel? As people we could’ve stuck together, after me it will be their turn. I’m not here to say I’m gonna live with that or I’ll be good to “myself” if people are cruel, why? Everyone else has someone or the other? Why should I be with myself? I don’t want to live I always loved him a lot and I loved his old self too even if I miss that Harsh whom I knew in 2015 and I’ll always cry cuz I missed out on him I missed out on the most previous years of both of our lives which will NEVER come back that’s why I feel my body deserves all that abuse and pain cuz it was all because I fell short of the mark… I should’ve been perfect, the prettiest the best looking out of all (I didn’t know what he looked like go read that part again)

I don’t have stamina to explain further and I’ve already shared why girls shouldn’t have so much pressure to look good (in my PREVIOUS post) I will always hate and blame myself even after dying cuz I lost someone I couldn’t imagine losing he was the MOST IMPORTANT to me, I have no future now I’m bed ridden and there’s no help, I tried to look my best for him inspite of what I’ve shared in my previous post and the fact that due to PMS & Ovulation (Almost 14+5 days of the month) and growing stress related illnesses which females are more prone to such as autoimmune one’s and Fibro + a different metabolic and hormonal system it’s difficult for us to be perfect, this includes the hair fibre, the skin, the weight, our nerves and sensitivity, haemoglobin count, cortisol level, sebum level, ph levels, I think Indian men should be taught this in science books instead of how daffodils and plants mate or how pollens are formed, basic science like I said - It hurts girls so they have to be aroused and for that 99% of the girls aren’t interested in male parts so these men need to be attractive NOT women, we have assets we don’t need that face or body it anyway doesn’t hurt men at least that doesn’t happen in their case. Even flower buds don’t open easily, so STOP digging ur head in that stupid science book like raffish disgusting pervy teen that you are and start UNDERSTANDING how things work, in India girls have no choice they have to settle on the man who chooses us! And 80% of them are not even men they are flabby pansy/effeminate “jolly” hubby material, no one wants that! How can we get aroused? No face no body and it’ll hurt us then, they are so dull and average even on the intellectual level they lack sophistication or even basic knowledge about things how will we communicate on the same level? And there’s a reason why we have the word “Rape”. Wth? I wasn’t born for this, they are not my responsibility STOP breeding them. Boys here are not taught all this No one works on their personality they NEVER grow into “Men” they end up getting pansy or feminine due to overpampering. I’m not here for all this nonsense. I have ONLY loved one man in my entire life and he didn’t even have a gym body he’s very lean he’s not muscular like certain pics (from that Saloni vid 🥺😢) but at least he’s not girly! Or that rolly polly jolly “hubby” material and girls are expected to instantly sleep with such people what is this modern day kotha? My mother did say one thing which was true - yes girls do feel like that as if they are in some red light area, they are treated that way even as housewives for money or monthly maintenance and it’s not easy for girls to work even in abroad, two girls had the same complain while travelling at night through a bullet train (regarding molestation) they were shocked, maximum foreigners are very good at hiding I know so many of them they are just doing blogging as a hobby and it’s their husbands who earn I’m not going to be foolish enough, I wanted to design homes for people but you can’t entirely rely on that, you need to find a safe and secure workplace, I’ve met such horrible managers and stuff even married ones at 21 itself I know how cringey it is.

You can’t rely on these things, I know someone from my childhood days (not that bully friend) she doesn’t have fibro or anything like me but her parents gave asked her to stop working cuz she faints and gets low pressure she’s internally weak and delicate like me, and like I just said for girls (all the health related things which I’ve mentioned above) it’s not easy to work so much.

I’m not a pseudo feminist to say I don’t want maternity leave I don’t want any break if I’m sick I’m just like my male colleagues, NO I’m a girl and secondly the reason why somehow e’s guys get more pay than us because their entire family depends on them and their wives are more busy with the kids so they don’t work moreover like I said it’s not easy for all females to work, they have shared this multiple times, they are the sole bread winner in the family so even their kids rely on them. A lot of Girls (single) who are earn as much as 80k fight for the remaining 10k difference between them and their male colleagues, as kids there were times when we would think several times before ordering a dessert, that “10k” will not even cover the basic school fees (in today’s times) of your colleague’s children. Coming back to the main topic I have missed him a lot in all these 8 years and I love him I wish I would’ve been likeable, I never wanted him to feel old I just can’t stop hating myself I loved him even if he would’ve had wrinkles unfortunately whether alive or dead I’ll always love him even in old age… which is very hurtful for me, cuz he hates me and he likes other people, he was my soulmate 53-23 were mine and his marriage signs they are always seen in pairs I have seen so many of them since the past few days that too TOGETHER 🧿 It all started with a fortune reading (but I had received Zara Rajput sign and a few more long ago) The reading said something when I asked where will I meet my future husband and it said something which suggested that I have already met him and it was right we had met on 2nd April right there on an app and it had a word directly linked to that, and then it also indicated - SOMEONE IN THEIR 30s matured and the card stood for artists, poets, writers and actors (batons are for those who are into agriculture or farming, property/construction etc. anything to do with soil where you dig a baton stick, swords indicate medicine, law firms, doctors, scientists, anything that requires incisive intellect, cups are for writers, artists, designers, painters, actors, who are more emotional and expressive and pentacles or coins are obviously for businessmen, traders, bankers etc.) ever since that care came up as in someone in their 30s and from one of those fields mentioned above BEFORE the brackets I thought it was someone else, he too would’ve been in his 30s now + into acting because Harsh was impossible I had not met that other guy on that app which it indicated but I had met him there later on… but then I started seeing 53 23 in association with that and 5 is Harsh’s number, 2 is mine.

The devil or whoever/God whoever is doing this is now scaring me more using Harsh by showing me 37 cuz they know that I had last kept 37 age which he is approaching (as he is older than me) as a deadline they know I will keep hoping and then die with another nightmare coming true, and even when/if I had lost all hope I’ve been seeing that cuz they reminded me of it. I don’t know whom to trust. They are USING Harsh cuz they know how he or his family is, they know they are not at all like that and this will only torture me more, someone else should have come and erased my memory with the help of a hypnotist to defeat God and his plan cuz Harsh will do exactly why God has put me in his life as his contrast inspite of being my soulmate he will be very rude and stubborn and he will make sure God succeeds in turning me into a laughing stock, he will do exactly that and I will end up facing more grief and haplessness and I might die which will finish God’s experiment.

The story behind these coincidences was also important it’s shocking, but I have no help or anyone to jot it down. I’m dying by leaving a clue… it said Equinox that word recently came up, it aligns with whatever conclusion I had reached, Scientists too have come up with a similar theory but they couldn’t prove it, I can… Chinese philosophers almost reached a “saying” which will now FIT here, it explains why God is Evil or why we have so much unfairness in this world or why even kids are suffering. IT HAS ALL THE ANSWERS. I had met Harsh on 2nd Oct and 2nd April Equinox had multiple 2s too, and it’s an EXACT dividend I had already reached that point, and it unfolded everything, it explains each and every dream I’ve had as a kid or every coincidence even the bizarre ones related to Preet which is there in my pinned post on Tumblr: TheSecretAttic in the link there amidst my renovation stuff, it’s burning inside my HEAD ITS PAINING a lot I have to die to end this I have no one to share my story with… people were too proud to even hear it, their loss I’ll leave them to this God.

Btw STOP categorising girls as creeps it’s our worst nightmare they are our biggest threat just cuz I got his address it doesn’t mean I’m that I NEVER even went to his house I only sent my gifts through my mom and the driver, I never went there to “meet” him or even near his building to stalk or pry on him in fact I HAD STOPPED going to his area even to the malls cuz he had made me very conscious so I didn’t want him to see and hate me more, it’s other people’s fault who call us also creeps and who inspite of me sharing my number didn’t reach out even for the book, they could have STOP creeping zoning others and yourself, I was ready to move on with someone else since he didn’t want me, you can’t blame me in any manner, it’s all YOU PEOPLE’S fault stop justifying your own superficiality by saying she herself didn’t want to move on or you would’ve looked like a creep pr like me by approaching me and seeing if I needed help! I had to send the gifts to make up for the book and because I loved him and I had no idea if I would even survive so did to fomo I was trying to make the most of the life that was left in me and he would not receive gifts like other celebs YOU too could’ve thought about me (this wasn’t for him) instead of this “creep” thing. My number was always out.

I have to die before the last nail in the coffin which is 37 you know the story behind it I won’t live to see that day when my last hope which I had already lost will now return and mock me by showing me 37 everywhere until it will die, right before my eyes like another 5th Mar episode. I have to die before that no one else came along otherwise God/Devil would’ve lost and I would’ve survived you are responsible for my death Bye - Zara Sauleh

[toonerdyandiknowit]

Rant about chronic illness and drs.

Does anyone else get frustrated when they feel like drs aren’t listening to you because what you’re saying and what they’re seeing don’t match?

I saw a neurologist last year to ask for a reference for a mental health specialist that wouldn’t take me without a neurology referral (originally a gp referred me).

I talked the neurologist through my medical history, and told him exactly what I wanted to happen.

He asked me “have you heard of FND coz it sounds like you have FND”.

That was the ONLY mention of FND he made. He didn’t explain it, didn’t ask if I’d like to look into treatment options. Nothing.

My referral comes through that I have a zoom meeting with a psychiatrist, YAY.

Turns out it was 30 patients and 1 dr on the meeting coz it was a presentation not a 1-1. I wasn’t told this.

I finally get to the 1-1 and the FND team kind of…brushes over my frustration? They all agree I’ve got all the hallmarks of FND so the mental health crisis I originally asked about is just being ignored?

THEN they go through my medical history and basically say that every doctor I’ve ever seen was wrong.

But not them. They’re right. They give a whole presentation on how FND only has a 0.5% misdiagnosis rate so they’re obviously right.

THEN they ask me about day to day life, and when I mention that I always track how far I’ve gone and how far I need to travel to get back home…they decide that means I’m agoraphobic? And start asking pointed questions about “why are you afraid to go out? Why are you so convinced something bad will happen if you go out alone?”

Like. No. Not what I said. I said “if I go out alone, I recognise that it’s my responsibility to get myself home. So IF something goes wrong I need to have a BACK UP PLAN so I’m not always calling people for help. For example, if I’m going for a walk and I know I’m having a fatigue flare up, I won’t go much further than a 20 minute walk away, because I know I also have to walk 20 minutes back. But if I hit the 20 mins and feel ok, I might go another 20, I just keep in mind it will then take me 40 mins to get back…”

That’s not fear. I don’t avoid going out coz “what if I get tired” I just plan for it so I’m not stuck up shit creek without a paddle IF something goes wrong?? And they acted like that was unreasonable.

I had to explain this 3 times 3 different ways before they got it. And then they asked me “do you feel that you explain things well and other people don’t understand, but that it’s a problem with them not you”.

…

In this specific instance? Yeah. Coz at no point did I say “I’m afraid to go out” or “I don’t go out”. But when it was clear that they didn’t understand what I was saying I EXPLAINED IT DIFFERENTLY.

I’ve got 3 more weeks of this and I’m just starting to feel really gaslit. Like I know therapy, especially intense rehab like this, isn’t meant to be a comfortable experience but is it meant to make you feel this shit?

More below but just to get it out of my head:

I told them about an SA I went through in 2018 and when I told them I only came to terms with it when my MIL agreed that it was an SA, they all started saying “oh well maybe it wasn’t an SA it was just an ‘uncomfortable experience’ since you didn’t think it was an SA until she said it was, sounds like she influenced your opinion” …

So I told them the details I’d told my MIL and they looked horrified. And agreed that ok yeah sounds like SA.

They tried, without any details of the event, to convince me that I’d just said it was SA coz I’d been told so.

When actually, it’s because I’ve had my own safety and comfort ignored by my family for so long that I genuinely can’t always tell when someone’s crossed a line. I’ll know how I feel about it, but I’m “sensitive” and “childish” and “dramatic” so maybe it wasn’t a big deal. Until someone else took me seriously.

I told the CBT that I thrive in routines but cannot put myself into them. Like I need a fixed time point to build around that I myself cannot alter otherwise I just can’t make a routine.

So doing uni from home? I had a great routine! First lecture at 10? Ok up at 6, walk the dog at 7, have breakfast at 8, revision at 9, then first lecture starts!

Home with no work? Ok so I should clean, and walk the dog. Those are my two tasks. But they’re not fixed so they can be done whenever. So I don’t wake up until 1. And my mental health goes to shit because I CANT MAKE MYSELF A ROUTINE WITHOUT A FIXED POINT.

Her response “well you have to so you have to try.”

I mention that I’d asked my fiancée several times to wake me when she gets up to try and help kick start my day, but she would always say “but you look so tired. You must need the sleep.”

CBTs response “why is it her responsibility to get you up? You’re an adult. Get yourself up you obviously can”. So yeah. Loving that chunk of guilt.

And finally. I explained. Multiple times. “Breathing exercises make me light headed and more anxious and mindfulness exercises just make me panic more”.

“We’ll just try it. You need to try it until you find one that works for you. It’s really good just do it.”

I didn’t pull this feeing out of my arse. I tried these things FOR YEARS BECAUSE PEOPLE SAID THEY WERE GOOD. I hate them. It makes me feel so so so much worse.

I explained this to the PT who said ok then put on a video which was literally everything I said doesn’t work for me. And then looked shocked when I said I felt more anxious than when I started. That I didn’t like it. That it probably stems from a bad experience with it in the past and now it’s actually an anxiety trigger.

Her response to that was “well look around and see if you can find a version that works for you, because it really is good for you. Unfortunately there’s no “one size fits all” so you’ll have to look around”

I mean. I was under the impression that your were here to provide me with the alternative tools but go off I guess.

…

Like I’ve got 3 more weeks, that’s 6 sessions, of this. And I’m starting to not want to go already.

[welcometothenightcourt]

I’m just confused rn. So i was recently diagnosed with DID (about 3 months ago ish maybe 4 now), but the thing is I can’t communicate with anyone? Like the other alters (haven’t gotten names or anything yet), but it’s almost like when they have the control of the car per say, I’m in the backseat…or the boot I guess cause never get a reply…so I can’t figure out how to communicate at all?

I don’t know if they are the protector role and maybe I was never meant to talk to them? Maybe they hoped I would never know of this cause of what they protected us from. But sometimes it is scary cause I’m sorta just…sitting there in the car and I can’t leave. I can’t even have - what I called before diagnosis and after avengers endgame - a blip moment, where I forget what I was doing and carry on per normal.

I’ve tried the method of writing sticky notes with mundane questions on them like “what dinner should we have this week?” Or “fancy any specific cereals?” From therapists suggestion to keep a balance in everyday life. Yet there is never an answer written back anywhere, not even on the back or in another room. But other than that I personally don’t know what to do?

I’ve never had this “backseat behind the driver” moment before diagnosis and I think I only am now cause I’m more…self-aware of it??? But literally how do I communicate. I’ll be honest, i wasn’t even the one to find your blog here, but apparently this throwaway account did (I just use it to read over random updates and ya know scroll never interact etc)so Ik that someone has recognised that I know and have little idea.

overall question: how do I communicate (other than the sticky notes)?, how do I get out the metaphorical backseat? Cause otherwise I feel like I’ve been diagnosed wrong, I’m trying to look into what else it could be but DID is the main one that keeps coming up as a result, I’m just so confused over all this still. Sorry for the long winded and repetitive ask I just feel like context is needed cause otherwise a simple question could be misunderstood.

First, I would try not to take it so personally, and start actively trusting your therapists diagnosis. Most therapists won't diagnose DID without having met other alters, or without very good evidence, so they are probably there. Let's operate on the assumption that your therapist is correct in your diagnosis. Let's also try to look at things from the other alters' perspective.

Let's pretend that we're one of the other alters. You've been living in a body, and working to protect it and the host (you) for [insert however old your body is minus 3-7 years probably] without detection. You watch, help when needed, but only ever from afar. You hold memories from them, very painful traumatic memories that they can never find out, or it would hurt them, which is the opposite reason of why you exist. You know some things about them, and maybe you would want to meet them and talk to them, but it's dangerous to do that. You would probably hurt them.

Now, this person was told that you exist. They keep trying to find you, but... you've been hiding so long, and speaking to them, letting them know you're there, giving them the opportunity to find out all of the pain that you have been protecting them from. Letting them know you is dangerous, and you don't know how they will react. Will they try to hurt you? The body? Others? Will they deny your existence? You don't really trust this person yet.

Would you answer them all the time? I know I wouldn’t. I didn't. I didn't make myself known for several years, even after others had done so successfully. Those sort of things take time, patience, and a lot of understanding and reassurance.

Try to stop... pushing them so much. Try just letting them know that you're here when they're ready, and that you appreciate them. Then... just leave it be for a while. Let them think, let them find courage, let them learn to trust you without all that pressure. They'll reach out to you when they're ready. Just make sure they know they're welcome, and keep living your life. Check in maybe once or twice a month to let them know the invitation is still there.

I'm going to assume by backseat moment you mean dissociating, and that's not really something you can stop entirely. You have a dissociative disorder my friend, dissociation comes with it I'm afraid. I would try and do some grounding and anchoring when that happens, as it can help bring you back to reality and feel a little less far away, but if it doesn't work, then... just let it happen. Oftentimes it's not harmful or dangerous, just... mostly inconvenient to you (though it has its purpose of course.) The more time you spend in therapy, the more you'll learn how to handle it. Drudging around trying to dig up alters who formed out of trauma is going to increase your dissociation too, because your brain has spent so long trying to keep you from finding out about it, and here you are prying. It's doing what it has relied on to protect you for however many years since your trauma started.

I hope things go well for you, anon, and I hope this could help at least some. If you or they ever need anything, my asks are open!

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I realised I don’t have a lot to do today, so I can get back to my S15 Holby rewatch!

One thing I wanted to say before I move onto the next episode though - while watching “How Lo Can You Go” the other day, I was thinking the actress playing recurring patient Aisha was brilliant, but I didn’t know her name. I thought “hm, when I finish the episode, I should look her up so I can say how good she is!”. I didn’t get round to that.

Anyway, I then found out from a HolbyTV tweet that, apparently, this actress was none other than... Salma Hoque! Yes, THE Salma Hoque, the woman who played Meena Chowdhury! How am I so prosopagnosic I didn’t even recognise her after seeing her as Aisha in multiple episodes?? I’ve always thought Meena was a good character who had a lot of potential, but now, after seeing how brilliant Salma was as Aisha, I’m even more convinced Meena deserved better material. It’s a shame she spent so much time tied up in the Gaskell story.

So, yeah, I found myself praising Salma Hoque without even knowing I was praising Salma Hoque. It also feels strange to think this means that Salma shared scenes with actors like Jing Lusi or Paul Bradley who had long since left by the time Meena arrived.

I’ve now finished telling my anecdote. Time to watch and liveblog S15E09 “Fault Lines”.

Edit 1: Oh, it’s a Nick Fisher episode. First one of his I’ve watched since the news, I think. :(

Edit 2: Sacha’s ex-wife’s new boyfriend is taking her on a trip to an ice hotel in Norway, according to a phone call that we only heard Sacha’s half of. I can’t lie - that sounds great, I may envy her a little bit.

Edit 3: Lmaooo, Christmas songs in theatre!!

Edit 4: Imelda is taking Lilah’s accusations towards Ric very seriously. Imagine if she’d been there when the real deal happened with Henrik and Sahira. Maybe Henrik actually would’ve had to face consequences then. Sigh.

Edit 5: Albie the married barman (you’ll never guess what pub he works at 😉) who’s been sleeping with Mo has just turned up, with his wife who’s been brought in as a patient. :|

Edit 6: Okay, so Albie’s wife actually knows he’s sleeping with Mo! Still, I don’t think Mo should be handling this case. It’s way too personal. It’s unfair to expect her to treat Albie’s wife, given the... complicated circumstances. For once, I agree with Jonny - Jac or someone should be handling this instead.

Edit 7: “We raised businesses, not children.” is a great (and very sad) line. The actress delivered it perfectly, too.

Edit 8: I love Chantelle.

Edit 9: Mo, seriously, you really shouldn’t be treating Albie’s wife, for your own sake.

Edit 10: I do love Ric.

Edit 11: Poor Malick, dragged into the Ric vs. Lilah situation.

Edit 12: The Lilah and Ric situation is actually quite interesting, I’d heard of the storyline but I didn’t know it was this complicated. It’s a very grey area. Lilah’s obviously wrong in her claims that Ric made her fail the exam because she didn’t sleep with him again, but on the other hand, Ric shouldn’t have slept with his mentee and he definitely shouldn’t have taken over from Malick doing her exams in an attempt to try and make her pass just because he fancied her. I wouldn’t call it harassment, which is what Ric is being accused of, but it was definitely majorly unprofessional on his part. Nothing he should lose his job over (I can’t say that for Henrik’s treatment of Sahira...), but worth a slap on the wrist. Lilah regretting making the accusations is also an interesting angle.

Edit 13: The situation with Albie's wife is reminding me of Jac and it's making me sad.

Edit 14: Malick snarking at Imelda 😂

Edit 15: The patient thinking Chrissie was married to Michael 🤣

Edit 16: Ric is on the list of characters (alongside the likes of Stevie Nash) who have faced more consequences for a false accusation of sexual harassment than Henrik ever did for actually sexually harassing Sahira. :/

Edit 17: Albie brushing his wife’s hair one last time... ow. The fact that it’s so reminiscent of Henrik brushing John’s hair out of his face in “One Of Us” makes it even sadder.

Edit 18: We're near the end of the episode, so I'm guessing Lilah retracts her accusation soon?

Edit 19: That scene with Mo and Albie was lovely.

Edit 20: No last-minute retraction from Lilah, Ric actually left?! Okay, I have no idea how this is going to be resolved.

In other news, Luc’s going to be spending Christmas with Sacha and Chrissie. I hope we get to actually see that. It sounds hilarious.

[ajaxeology]

Before The Year Ends

Hi! This is Sherry. A few of you might recognise me better from my main @shxnosuke and a few from the discord server Liyue Harbor.

I haven't been here for long, but it's been a wild ride with all of you. I've had so many unforgettable moments in Genshinblr and made so many friends. 200 followers isn't as many as a lot of Genshinblrs out there, but I wouldn't have gotten here without any of you. So thank you, whoever that's reading this.

To my mutuals that I didn't mention, I'm sorry that I haven't interacted much. As of late, my online social battery is slowly starting to become similar to my irl social battery (= very low). Plus, I haven't interacted much with you due to my own awkwardness. Either those or I'm still a little too intimidated to mention you. No matter what, I want you to know that I appreciate you being mutuals with me. Next year, I hope I'll be able to find something to chat about with you and get to know you much better.

To my readers, thank you for all your likes, reblogs and notes. It makes me so happy to know that you enjoy my work and I hope that you will continue to enjoy the things I write in the future.

To Childe, Tartaglia, Ajax, ilysm <3

individual messages utc! I'm sorry I'm long-winded 😔 if you don't wanna read it then don't /j (please read it ;_; ). Please don't be pressured to respond to it, I'm grateful to you just for reading it <3. I also apologise for any grammatical errors because I wrote this across a few days and I wrote them all pretty casually.

Dear

My one and only didi Genesis @abyssheart ,

Thank you for being my first follower (that’s why you’re at the top of this whole long mf-ing essay </3 I’m sparing you the agony of scrolling as a first follower privilege HAHA) and being so supportive of me. Thank you for always being so encouraging and understanding towards me as well.

We don’t talk as much anymore but I miss you and I still care very much about you. It’s always fun to talk to you and I remember when I first joined your server, I laughed a lot seeing your conversations. I don’t remember whether you’re back, but I hope that you’re having fun on your roadtrip!

I love your writing very much (I still have the screenshot from the 100 follower matchup you did forme in my favourites, if you didn’t know ;>). I hope that you find joy from writing as much as I do from reading what you write. Ilysm and looking forward to your writings in 2022 <3

My beloved meimei J @yeetmeoffjueyunkarst ,

I don’t know if you will see this, but when you do, I want you to know that I’m so thankful for you. You are one of my first friends in Genshinblr and you will always be my beloved sister. I may not have seen the whole thing, but I know for a fact that you’ve grown into a better person from when I first met you. Just so you know, there are things that I look up to you for and things that I’ve learnt from you as well.

Thank you for listening to me talk about bullshit and listening to me talk about the two series that I haven’t even freaking started.

We both know it’s going to be difficult next year, but I will be here for you whenever you need it. Literally anything and I’ll see what I can do for you. I’ll miss you but I’m happy that you’ve found things that you want to work towards. Remember that I’m always rooting for you and I want you to be happy.

For 2022, I wish you courage and strength to push through the year. I hope that even with the hardships, you’ll be able to have moments and events that’ll make you happy, no matter how little. Ily <3

My lovely mei Sarah @almondoufu ,

I used to think to myself, “HAH, wouldn’t it be funny if I made a friend online by helping them with homework?”. To think that it actually happened and you’ve become one of my closest online friends even though we didn’t talk as much HAHA. Thank you so much for allowing me to become friends with one of the best Genshin writers (YOU BTW) and checking in on me when I was having my exams.

I check up on your blog every now (well definitely not because I want to know how you’re doing). I recently came across an ask where you said, “go easy on yourself. coming from me it’s a bit hypocritical since i’m a perfectionist, but the way to get better at writing is to practice. so if your first fifty works are terrible, that doesn’t matter bc it’s all practice for the things you’ll write and be proud of later”. And well damn I saved it down bc I always feel shit about my writing and yk that really helped me.

You know that letter you posted before the New Years? I read it and I almost teared up. I’m so happy for you that you became someone that you wanted to be. I’m so proud of being able to know you, a person who overcame all her difficulties and grew into a person she liked. I may be older than you, but you’ve grown so much more than me and there’s so much I can learn from you.

Have a wonderful year ahead from your jie and ilysm. I hope that 2022 will be a year that you envision it to be :>

Ball of Sunshine Meimei Jia @ohmykazuha ,

You’re a huge blessing to the Genshinblr community and we are so lucky to have you. I’m so thankful for all the positivity and love you give to the community, as well as the events that you do.

I really look up to how you always do your best, how you’re so sweet and how you’re so optimistic. At this point of writing, it hit me that I haven’t really interacted much with you personally. I hope that in the next year, we’ll be able to chat more.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed, I want you to know that I’ve got your back and I’m rooting for you. Remember to give yourself a breather at times and have sufficient rest okay. When looking out for all of us, don’t forget to look out for yourself. And always remember the first line of this paragraph.

Thank you for being my mei. Ilysm, I hope that you have a wonderful, fantabulous 2022 that you deserve <3

The Barbara to my Jean Angie @yuezhong ,

In a good way, I don’t even know where to start *keyboard smashes*. I don’t think I really stand out in the sea of people from Genshinblr and it’s no one’s fault. But you make me feel remembered. Whenever there’s an ask game, you tag me most of the time, if not, always. It’s a really little thing, but I want you to know that I appreciate it so much.

I love getting tiktoks from you. I’m sorry that I’m terrible at responding, but I want you to know that I appreciate you so much for sending them. I seriously wish my fyp had more Zhongli content for me to share to you, but it’s getting more messed up on it’s own smh. I’m getting less Genshin content there I get annoyed with my fyp, but you always send me the Childe stuff I want to see.

Thank you for being so encouraging during my exam period and looking out for me.

I think you already know this, but I want you to know that you can always hit me up. Anything. Even if you just want to say something about Zhongli? Yes.

For being so sweet, you deserve a wonderful and fulfilling 2022 and I wish that your year will be so.

Big Deal™️ Mint @sohyuki ,

Idc, ur a Big Deal to me bc I remember the time my dash was filled with people accusing you of being a Childe kisser (and it was fuNNY)!!!

We haven’t interacted much, but from the few interactions we had, thank you for being so easy to talk to! I’m really happy whenever I see you on dash. Just so you know, every time you do, I just want to hop into your replies and askbox (but I don’t because I don’t wanna annoy you HAHA).

I saw you’ve been feeling down a while ago and I hope that you’re feeling a lot better now! I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you so here I want to say that, I love your writing sm. I’m so excited whenever I see your writing going around on dash. And just so you know, thanks to one of your writing, I’ve decided if a boy won’t peel oranges for me I’m not dating them HAHAH. Whenever you need to, please remember to take breaks!! If you ever need my help for anything, please know that you can reach out to me.

Thank you for becoming friends with me and have an amazing 2022.

One of the coolest people Koi @chichikoi ,

We haven’t talked much but I’ve gotten so used to seeing you on my dash every day. I think there was a period you didn’t and it felt kinda weird. So yk I just want you to know that I appreciate you and care about you, even if we may not have interacted a lot.

I’ve always wanted to get closer to you. I remember feeling super happy and ??!! /pos when you followed me, even when I shifted blogs. But man I’m such an awkward shit bc you’re 2 cool 4 me, way out of my league. I never knew there were leagues in friendships until I met you /lh /j. But I want you to know that if there’s anything u need me to help u with or anything u want to say to me, you can always come drop in my inbox.

I wish you an amazing 2022 and that the year will be good to you next year <3

My fellow Yuuta + Eugeo appreciator Irene @wispycecilia ,

The way we just hit it off was so immaculate. I’ve been here a while, but it’s the first time I actually had a decent conversation about a character or series with someone that I’ve nEVER talked to before.

You will always be my Yuuta and Eugeo (now that I think about it, both of them have their romanised names starting with “yu” KHSAKJHSKJH). You can hit me up in dms, asks or mention me in your posts any day to talk about them. I’d love to listen to brainrot about yuta SDJHHSHDSHFLKSJh. I hope the movie goes to your country soon so you can enjoy the movie!!

One of my mutuals I've been friends with for the longest time @kazuqha Mimi,

Wow, it's been almost 2 years since I met you through the Haikyuu fandom and I'm back to interacting with you because of Genshin <3

I feel like I have so many things to say thank you for or maybe it's just that I have for you a whole armful of gratitude I don't know how to express using words. Thank you for letting me become one of the mods on your server. My whole Genshin journey on tumblr wouldn’t have started if you said no. I made so many friends on your server who share the love for Genshin.

Thank you for fuelling my love for Childe by sharing tiktoks with me. As each day passes, I get down so bad below the floor I’m starting to wonder where rock bottom down bad is but I love it anyway.

Have a wonderful year ahead, lovely Tianquan of Liyue Harbor

Tart kisser attacker @almond-adeptus Almond,

Hello angst demon, I’m still waiting for you to attack me /j. It’s a joy to see you on dash because it’s hilarious how you’re always out for the other Childe kissers.

I don’t remember how my blog looked initially, but it’s a huge compliment for me when you said “warm and cosy when it's snowing outside”. I take it that I’m very approachable then /j. And hey I’m sure you’re the one with the good ideas!! I still remember that Childe and Kimi no Na Wa crossover that you were talking about in dash.

We haven’t interacted for very long, but I always find it enjoyable to engage in brainrot with you and talk to you about ideas. Ngl I always thought his thigh garter was seggsy (I’m laughing as I type this) but that post you made me think further about how it could actually be used.

Thank you for running the childe rp blog as well *laughs nervously about the rp I left hanging*(I’m sorry I haven’t gotten to it in a while :”””>).

I look forward to more brainrot and screaming about ideas with you next year hehe. Have a good 2022 :>

Another pogass user Dex @xiao-cafe ,

Thanks for sending me that dumb Childe pic for EBG HAHAHA. In return, I’m sending you willpower right now to finish the remainder of your next semester (if you have any? Bc my friends are gonna have their last sem for 2nd year fkshglsdj I don’t think I’ve truly gotten a hang of how poly works). I know we haven’t really talked much and all, but you’re a pretty cool person to me. Idk why you just give cool people vibes.

It’s probably a really small thing to you, but thanks for liking and reading the stuff I shitpost. To me, those little things tell me that yeah we’re still mutuals and it makes me a lot less intimidated to interact with you (just that I haven’t as much as I wanted bc I’m not sure what to say kdshfksjdhk).

I hope that you’ll have a good 2022 and thanks for being here for my 2021 :>

Kiznaiver friend Taz @help-wtf-am-i-even-doing ,

We haven't interacted for a while and I hope that you've been doing well! You're still the only person that I've really had a conversation with about Kiznaiver. Thank you for having that conversation with me about Kiznaiver and it's a conversation that I won't forget for a super long time.

I really enjoy the posts you reblog on my dash too, your sense of humour is *chef's kiss*.

Have an amazing 2022 and thank you for being a part of my 2021.

A very fun, lovable friend @bookuya

BOO I should have found more opportunities to talk to you so much earlier aaaaaaaaaaaa. You’re such a fun person that I can just wild with.

Also holy cow thank you for being so supportive to me! Ur compliments to me in your ask pls 😭.

Did you know that you’re one of the first few people I follow in Genshinblr? I really enjoy your works and I read them whenever they show up on dash. I remember raiding the Childe one but I might not have rb-ed it back then so time to add it to my todo list. I think your stuff doesn’t really show up on my dash because of timezones and because I follow more people rn, but with the taglist you’re not escaping me >:)

I wish you an amazing 2022 and I hope we can have more fun together heheheheh

@simplyxsinned @cxlrose @kamiyatos @mikachuchu @stellumi @kriaeya @caracalia @astrealia @bluexiao @siluc @lilikags

I'm sorry that I don't have an individual message for you, but I wanted you to know that I am really really really grateful for the little interactions we had. Be it talking in servers, interacting with my writings and blog (liking, reblogging etc), I enjoy all the moments we shared together and it would have never been the same without you guys. You're all really sweet, fun and amazing people in your own ways and I hope to be able to interact with you more in the upcoming year. I'm wishing you an amazing 2022 because amazing people should get a wonderful year that'll treat them right <3

Love,

Sherry

[midgardianweasley]

Keep you safe

Keep you safe

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Avenger!reader

Summary: When the civil war breaks out among the team, what happens when you find yourself and your girlfriend on opposite sides of the fight?

Warnings: Extremely minor cursing, angst, injury, ends in fluff

Word Count: 1.8k words

Message/ask if you’d like to be added to the taglist <3

Requests are open!

“Vision, you can’t keep her prisoner here” I announced to what seemed like a brick wall. The S.H.I.E.L.D. meeting was only this morning and already it felt like the team was beginning to drift. Tony and Steve were fighting, not being able to agree on where they stand regarding the Sokovia Accords and whether we should sign our rights away. Wanda, not being a US citizen and having been a big part of the incident in Sokovia, has been put under Vision’s watch for protection. But from what i’ve seen, I think Wanda can protect herself just fine.

“It’s not imprisonment, Y/N, this is for her safety.”

“Safety? She’s fully capable of walking to the shops on her own.”

“I think some members of the team would disagree, Nata-”

“Don’t, Vision. Please.” I sighed, rubbing my forehead, the stress going straight to my temples upon remembering the events from this morning with my girlfriend.

Nat and I had just walked out of the meeting room, thoughts flooding both of our heads. We were exhausted, the emergency meeting not giving us enough time to wake up with a coffee before having to be fully functional. My head was resting on her shoulder, her head on top of mine as we stood in an abandoned corridor, revelling in the peace and quiet. It was a few minutes before one of us decided to speak up.

“You okay, голубка?” She whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of my head before returning to her previous position.

“Mhmm, I think so. My head is officially fried though and it’s not even 9am yet.”

“We’ll get some coffee in us soon.”

“I think we’ve earned it” I mumbled, earning a slight chuckle from the both of us, returning back to the silence for only a couple of minutes before a thought crossed my mind.

“I feel bad for Wanda. She must feel terrible.”

“I know. Hopefully this whole Accords business can be of help.”

“Well, that would be nice, but we’re obviously not signing that.” An airy laugh left my lips, amused at the idea of signing away any freedom we could have for ourselves. I felt Nat’s body go rigid beside me, suddenly feeling tense. I pulled away slightly and looked up to see a frown taking over her features.

“You’re not going to sign?” She spoke, suddenly sounding more awake, albeit still having a gentle tone, but I could feel the disbelief behind her words.

“I wasn’t planning on it, no. Are you?”

“I feel like it would be a good idea. Maybe we need a little more guidance to go about our missions.”

“This isn't guidance, Nat. This is essentially locking us away just without the bars.”

“It’s protection.”

“It’s losing our freedom!” I bluntly responded, almost shocked that we weren’t on the same page about this. We both stood across from each other now, arms crossed and staring into each other's eyes, all tiredness beforehand gone and replaced with fire.

“I need some air” She groaned, walking away towards the exit, signalling the end of that conversation.

“Nat-”

“I’ll see you at home, okay?” Not giving me a chance to respond, having walked out the door before I could utter a word. I guess coffee is the least of my problems now.

Lost in my daydream, I hadn’t even noticed that Clint had walked in and was currently fighting Vision. Wait, Clint?

“Clint? I thought you retired?”

“Ah nice to have you back.” He choked, currently caught in a headlock with Vision. I stood next to Wanda, the two of us sharing a look of confusion. “We need to go, Cap needs us.”

“You can’t overpower me, Clint.” Vision spoke, still holding his grip.

“I know i can’t, but she can”

I looked beside me once again and saw Wanda beginning to use her powers, and before I knew it, Vision had fallen to the ground..and further until we could no longer see him.

“We need to go” The archer rushed, taking Wanda by the hand and leading her outside. I was yet to be clued in on what exactly was going on, but I knew one thing, this couldn’t be good.

---

It was absolute chaos everywhere. Steve, much like Tony, had recruited a small team of his own, some familiar faces, some new, the ant guy was pretty cool. However, there hadn’t been much time to admire the different skill sets and powers that had been brought to the table before both sides had run towards each other. Especially considering seeing the recognisable assassin on the other side had brought on a wave of sickness, fighting her was the last thing I wanted to do.

While Bucky had taken to fighting who I assumed to be Blank Panther and Sam was in the air, I’d stuck to helping Steve, not wanting to get involved in the fight Clint was having with Natasha. This teenager had started shooting webs at Captain, and while I know he was on the opposite side, I had to admit, he was pretty good at fighting.

“He also said to go for your legs” He chuckled, again shooting webs at the supersoldier and holding him back from retrieving his shield.

“Hey Spidey” I called, gaining his attention.

“Hi”

“Might wanna drop the Captain, yeah?”

“I can’t. I gotta impress Mr Stark”

“Look, this isn’t your fight, you don’t know what’s going on” I tried to reason, falling onto deaf ears, or just stubborn, as he then shot his webs at me and tried to pull. His eyes shrunk in confusion as he couldn’t flip me, my power of immobility coming in handy.

“Why-” He groaned, still trying to flip me. I lifted my hands, grabbed the webs and flung him into one of the loading crates that were scattered around, my super strength making the impact a lot harsher, but not enough to cause major injury.

“Thanks Y/N” Steve spoke, a quick nod of approval was shared before I caught a glance of another fight going on. Wanda’s holding a crate, trying to take someone flying above it out, completely oblivious to Vision starting to come towards her. Looking down slightly, I saw who was directly underneath.

“Shit” I mumbled, running as fast as I could towards them, avoiding gunfire and punches along the way.

“Language!”

“Sorry! Jeez” I directed towards the man now running in a different direction.

Vision was much closer to them than I was, no matter how quickly my feet took me. It was no use trying to warn Wanda, I wouldn’t get there in time. I had to go with plan B.

“Nat! Move!”

She quickly turned and caught sight of me, giving me a confused glare that didn’t last long before I pushed her away from where she was standing, out of harm's way.

“What the hell Y/-” She hadn’t managed to finish her sentence before her eyes widened in horror at the large crate suddenly falling from Wanda’s hold and onto me. My arms lifted quickly to hold it, slightly wobbling due to not being in the centre of it.

“Is there anything behind me?”

“Wha-”

“Is there anything behind me?!” I spoke more urgently, not knowing how much longer I could hold it.

“No, no you’re clear.” Natasha responded, I thanked her silently with a nod.

‘Okay. you’ve got this. One. Two-’ I thought to myself.

With the remaining strength I could have gathered, I bent down slightly and pushed, sending the metal hurling upwards while I ran forward. Overestimating how high i’d thrown it, the bitter reality hit me, quite literally as it fell onto my leg, sending me face first towards the ground.

“Wanda!” Was all I could hear before I felt my head placed in someone’s lap and the world went black.

---

My head pounding like a hammer had been a lovely wake up call, followed by a throbbing pain in my leg which I'd looked down to see was lying along a row of pillows. My eyes darted around the room and I recognised the photo on the bedside table beside me. It was a photo of Natasha and I standing in the rain laughing at a joke we can’t remember anymore, but it must’ve been funny according to the huge smiles on our faces. The love in our eyes was enough to make galaxies jealous.

A knock on the door had interrupted my train of thought, opening before I had a chance to respond, Natasha walked in, a guilty look taking over her face.

“Hi”

“Hey. You okay?” I questioned, earning a smile and a scoff to come out of The Black Widow’s mouth.

“Am I okay? Really?”

“I-”

“You ask me if i’m okay when you’re lying there with a broken leg and just woken up from being knocked out, because you decided to throw yourself into danger.”

“You had a tonnes worth of metal about to fall on you. Forgive me if i didn’t want a squished girlfriend.” I defended myself, not entirely certain on how this is turning into being my fault.

“You could have died”

“But I didn’t”

“But you could’ve, Y/N!”

“Love-”

“I can’t lose you” Her voice broke. Only then had I managed to really take a look at her. Her eyes had clouded over, her hair was all over the place, her nose running slightly. A pang of guilt hit me, not knowing that my action had affected her so much.

“Can you come here? Please?” She hesitated, but soon made her way round to the other side of the bed and sat herself down, making herself comfortable in my arms that I held open for her, hands immediately going to run through her hair. Small sniffles could be heard in the otherwise silent room, each one having a kiss pressed against her head in response.

After a couple of minutes, the silence was broken again.

“I’m sorry, moya lyubov, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to keep you safe.”

She turned her head up slightly to look at me, a small smile playing on her lips

“I know. i just panicked. I want you to be safe too.”

“I’m okay. I’m here. I promise.” I kissed her head again. “How does a bath and a movie sound?” A small sigh left her lips at the suggestion.

“You’ll join?”

“I’ll join”

A small but passionate kiss was exchanged, followed by a few quick pecks before the redhead walked off towards our bathroom, the sound of running water filling the air not long after.

No matter the mission, the fight, the argument or the disagreements, we’ll always protect one another. We don’t need the Sokovia Accords for that.

taglist: @the-dumbass-that-throws-knives

[helloalycia]

girl next door [three] // wanda maximoff

summary: the time has come where you realise your boyfriend just isn’t worth it, and your neighbour may or may not be an Avenger

warning/s: none i don’t think??

author’s note: part 3 is here! I kinda got carried away and wrote two more parts so my bad, but i hope you like it!

part one | part two | part four | part five | masterlist | wattpad

I couldn't be bothered with today. I just wasn't in the mood to go to work, so of course, I procrastinated as much as I could in the morning until it was finally time for me to get out of bed without being late.

Teddy had fallen asleep here last night after we watched a film, but he left earlier for work, so it was just me. I knew I had to break it off with him, it was time. But I didn't know how to tell him without hurting him. So, I was cowardly in that sense, which was only worse because I was leading him on. I'll find a way to say something soon, I promised myself as I took my clothes off and wrapped a towel around myself.

When I headed to the bathroom, I immediately slipped on the wet floor that only one person could have left behind. But, unlike the many times I had done so, I wasn't able to catch myself and instead fell on my leg, hearing a deadly crack noise, forcing a scream from my lips.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," I got out through gritted teeth, tears slipping from my eyes. The pain was unbearable and as I looked to my leg, I knew something was wrong because it instantly began to swell up and change colour.

Taking deep breaths to get through the pain, I tried not to imagine the several ways I was going to skin Teddy alive. He was so ignorant! How many times did I have to explain to him how dangerous it was to leave the floor wet?!

"It's okay, Y/N, you're okay," I told myself, before stretching and grabbing my phone from the side.

A striking pain shot up my leg and I suddenly felt nauseous, unable to deal with it. Swallowing hard, I called Teddy to give him a piece of my mind but also ask for his help since I couldn't move. Unfortunately for me, it went to fucking voicemail making me scream with frustration. I clenched my jaw as I tried to stand up myself, but more tears rolled down my cheeks as I accepted I was stuck.

The next person who came to mind was Wanda. If I was lucky and she wasn't at work, she'd be able to help me up and get me to a hospital.

I called her next and thankfully, unlike the arsehole that was my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, she answered.

"Hey, Y/N!"

I breathed out as calmly as I could. "Hi, Wanda. I, er, I need your help."

"Everything okay?" she asked with concern.

I nodded, though I felt really sick as I tried to avoid looking at my leg. "Yeah, well– no. This is really embarrassing, but I slipped on the bathroom floor and I think my leg is broken. Please can you come 'round and help me up?"

"Shit, Y/N, of course!" she exclaimed.

"Thanks," I got out breathily. "Spare key is taped under the plant pot outside my door."

"Just hold on," she insisted, before hanging up.

I dropped my phone to the side and glanced down at myself, definitely embarrassed that I was sat here in my underwear and bra, but also glad that I wasn't completely naked.

As promised, Wanda came as soon as possible and I heard her approaching the bathroom before she squeaked and covered her eyes.

"S-sorry!" she said, flustered. "I didn't mean to look. I just–"

"Wanda, you need to see if you're to help me up," I said as nicely as I could without snapping from the pent up anger reserved for Teddy.

She removed her hand, though her eyes wouldn't meet mine. "Right, yeah, duh. Okay, er..."

Successfully, she managed to lift me up and let me use her for support as we limped to my bed and I took a seat.

"Can you pass me my–"

"Clothes, right," she caught on, still not meeting my eyes, before moving around the room to grab a shirt and shorts.

I put my shirt on with ease, but she had to help me with my shorts as I tried my very hardest not to cry from the pain. My leg, or rather my knee, was turning a yellow-purple colour pretty quickly, making me flinch.

"How did this happen?" she asked with worry, gaze falling to my leg.

I clenched my jaw. "My stupid fucking boyfriend. I've told him so many fucking times to mop the damn floor! And he always says okay, but he never does! Oh, boy, when I get my hands on him, he's gonna wish he'd never been born!"

"Y/N–"

"And can you believe he has the audacity to have his damn phone switched off?! I could be dying and he wouldn't even know! That selfish, ignorant son of a–"

"Y/N!" she called, snapping me out of my rant. "Hospital."

"Right, hospital," I agreed. "No ambulances because they're way too expensive. Maybe you can get me down to a taxi and I'll take it from there?"

She raised her eyebrows with disbelief. "You're kidding, right?"

I mirrored her expression. "Er, no? Ambulances are like $700, and even with my insurance that's like $400. Taxis are, what, twenty bucks?"

She wasn't convinced as she crossed her arms and stared at me with uncertainty. I sighed and tried to stand up, but I pulled a face at the pain. She was quick to help me stand, giving me support on my right side.

"This is gonna take a while," I mumbled, biting back annoyance.

"Don't hate me," she said suddenly.

I looked to her, furrowing my brows. "What are you talking about?"

She avoided my gaze and instead swept me off my feet quite literally, taking me by surprise. I wrapped my arms around her neck on instinct, eyes widening as she held me close, bridal-style.

"Wanda, you can't just carry me like this," I said, though I was surprised at how strong she was.

She ignored me and walked out the bedroom before stopping at the fire escape. I gripped her tightly, wondering what the heck was going on. There was a hint of red in her eyes, startling me, before I noticed the two of us rising into the air. Levitation, to be exact.

"Woah!" I shouted, holding her as tightly as I could. "What the hell?! How–?! What–?!"

As she flew us away from our building, there was a red hue floating all around us, like an energy I'd never seen before. Except it seemed familiar... and that's when I put it together.

"You're that Avenger!" I blurted out. "The witch, the one with all the magical powers! You're– you're– Oh my God."

She frowned, eyes darting to mine apologetically. "I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

I swallowed hard, fearfully glancing over her shoulder at the clouds interwoven with the tall buildings of New York. Never in a million years did I think I'd be flying amongst them, with an Avenger nonetheless. She'd fought at the battle of New York, I remembered seeing her on the TV. She was dubbed an official Avenger not long after, but then coverage of her went quiet... because she'd moved away. It made so much sense now!

"I knew I recognised you," I said with disbelief, studying her face closely as I now knew who she was.

Her eyes still had a red hue surrounding her irises, matching the energy surrounding us as she flew us to, presumably, the hospital.

"I didn't intend to hide it," she explained guiltily. "I thought you'd figure it out. But then you didn't and it... it just never felt right to bring it up."

I thought back to the random hours she worked, the spontaneity of being called in for her shifts, her whole backstory for crying out loud... how stupid could I be?

"This... this is a conversation we should have," I said, nodding slowly, "but maybe not right now."

"Right, yeah." She nodded in agreement, jaw tensed as she stared ahead. "Just hang on."

–

After getting an x-ray at the hospital, the doctor told me I'd need to go into surgery so they could realign my knee – it wasn't anything concerning, but I wasn't exactly over the moon about it.

I returned to the hospital room to find Wanda had been waiting for me. I'd say I was surprised, but I was more grateful that she stayed. We hadn't had a moment to speak about her whole Avenger situation, and she was oddly quiet about the whole thing, so I decided to ease it into conversation whilst waiting for the doctors to return to prep me for surgery.

"You know, you didn't have to stay," I said to her, watching as she distracted herself with the stuff on the bedside table. "It's only a broken leg."

She stopped whatever she was doing and gave me a knowing look. "It's not only a broken leg. And I just thought you might like the company. Who else is going to make sure you're okay?"

I offered her a small smile. "Thank you. But the surgery is gonna take a while. I'll head home after and catch up with you then."

She seemed against the idea, but said nothing, before resuming whatever she was messing around with. The tissue box, I think.

"So... magic, huh?"

She swallowed visibly. "It's, er, not magic... at least, not exactly."

I hummed in acknowledgement, still adjusting to the fact that she had actual powers. It was amazing and unusual all at once.

"It's okay that you didn't tell me you know," I said gently, making her glance at me. "You apologised earlier. Back when we were–" I breathed out, still in mild disbelief, "–well, flying. You didn't need to. You don't have to be sorry about anything, Wanda."

She frowned. "But I lied to you."

Her Sokovian accent was more noticeable when she was upset, I noted. I wondered if she realised.

"You didn't lie, per say... more like bent the truth," I tried to make her feel better, stifling a laugh. "Either way, it's alright. Well, for me anyway. I don't know if you wanted to tell me or–"

"I did," she cut in with nod, eyes focused on me. "I wanted to."

I hoped she couldn't hear the way my heart rate picked up a little. "Okay, then I don't see a problem. You're still the same Wanda, just with a little something extra, right?"

Her shoulders relaxed and a small smile tugged at her lips. "Right."

I mirrored her expression, holding her gaze for a moment longer than necessary, before tearing away when I heard the doctor enter the room. After prepping me for surgery, I headed off into the operating room and made sure Wanda knew she didn't have to be there when I came back.

They put me under, so I wasn't awake until several hours later when I woke up to horribly bright, fluorescent hospital lighting and the accompanying nasty disinfectant smell filling the room. The first thing I noticed was the giant cast on my leg, followed by the sleeping brunette in the corner of the room that was Wanda. I would have questioned why she was there as my first thought, but I couldn't help but take notice of the lovely room I was in – for starters, it wasn't shared with other patients like I expected.

"Wanda," I called, my voice rough-sounding, but she didn't stir in the slightest.

I chewed on my lip as I found the remote that controlled my bed, using it so I could sit up. I was able to grab the water on my bedside table and take a few sips before calling for her again, sounding a lot better. To my relief, she began to wake up, eyes blinking open and looking around with confusion before realisation crossed her face and she settled on me.

"You're up!" she exclaimed, before a yawn escaped her lips.

"And you're here," I returned, hinting my confusion.

"I told you I was staying," she reminded me, before standing up and approaching my bedside. "Had to make sure you were okay. And obviously to help you home. By taxi, not flying, don't worry."

I smiled at her caring nature, expression softening at how cute she was.

"Also, before you ask," she added, "your hospital bills are taken care of. Hence the room."

I lost my smile, eyebrows raising. "Come again?"

She sat at the edge of my bed, getting comfortable as she looked out the window opposite us. "I didn't want you worrying about it, especially when none of this was your fault, so I called in a favour at the Avenger's compound. Tony owed me."

I almost forgot how to breathe as my eyes widened. "Tony Stark? The Tony Stark? He's paying for my hospital bills?"

She looked to me, a hint of panic in her eyes. "I hope that's okay. I mean, I knew you would say no, but I feel like I should've done something. You've done so much for me and it was only fair."

"I can't believe..." I trailed off, losing track of what I was going to say, still shocked. It made sense with her being an Avenger, but it was still hard to believe.

"You still with me?" she joked, her hand resting on mine.

I cleared my throat, ignoring the warmth from her skin touching mine. "Yeah, sorry. I just– wow. Still digesting is all."

"Don't worry too much about it," she said gently.

I nodded weakly, swallowing hard and avoiding her gaze.

"I should go get the doctor and let her know you're awake," she said, letting go of my hand. "You okay on your own for a minute?"

"Yeah, of course. Thanks."

After a chat with the doctor and an explanation of how everything would play out from here, I was getting ready to leave for home. I got changed out of the annoying hospital gown in the bathroom attached to my hospital room (another perk of Tony Stark paying for my bills – no shared toilet) and was in the middle of adjusting to my crutches in my room when there was a knock on the door.

Wanda and I paused as we looked up, and I was about to say for whoever it was to come in, but the person came in quickly and without waiting. To my bitterness, it was Teddy of all people.

"Oh my god, Y/N, there you are!" he exclaimed upon seeing me. "I got your message, both of them. I was so worried!"

In addition to the message I'd left him when breaking my leg, I also left him another before the surgery to see if he actually cared enough to check in. Clearly not.

I gripped my crutches to get out my frustration. "It took you long enough. I went into surgery five hours ago."

He scratched his head awkwardly. "I was at work."

I rolled my eyes, promising myself I wouldn't snap, but the annoyance of everything happening was building up and I couldn't help but blurt out, "I told you to mop up when you freakin' showered, Teddy!"

"I did!"

"No, you didn't!" I shouted, raising my voice. "If you did, I wouldn't be in this fucking cast!"'

He winced. "Are you, er, sure that it was the water that you slipped on?"

I clenched my jaw, knuckles turning white from how hard I was gripping my crutches. I didn't care that I was temporarily crippled, all I could see was red.

"Am I sure?" I repeated his question, tone laced with anger. "Am I sure?!"

I attempted to lunge forward, but Wanda seemed to know what I was thinking before I did it, holding me back suddenly.

"Y/N, just leave it," she mumbled, eyes meeting mine.

Something about the way she looked at me made my anger temporarily melt away, and I almost forgot why I was mad, until...

"Who are you?" Teddy asked with confusion.

Wanda and I looked to him, figuring he was just being his usual rude self, but he genuinely had no idea who she was as he studied her curiously.

She blinked with disbelief. "Wanda....?"

He waved his hand, motioning for her to say more.

Wanda raised a brow with offence. "Y/N's neighbour...?"

He pursed his lips, eyes squinted with thought.

Wanda almost scoffed. "Really? You got nothing?"

He chewed on his lip, genuinely stumped, and I couldn't help but groan with frustration, earning his attention.

"Of course you don't know who she is!" I glared at him. "You don't listen to a word I say! Not about this, not about mopping the floor–!"

"Y/N, just calm down!" he cut me off, only adding fuel to the fire.

"No," I said sternly, before nodding to the door behind him. "You can leave. You have no need to be here since we're not together anymore."

He raised his eyebrows with shock. "Seriously? You're breaking up with me? For what?"

I breathed out through my nose, genuinely stunned at how I managed to stay with him this long without either losing my mind or killing him. I could swear he wasn't this stupid when I met him.

His eyes fell to Wanda with distaste. "Is it because of her?"

"Did you actually manage to get stupider since this morning?" I asked, though I already knew the answer.

"Because I totally accepted when you said you were bisexual," he continued, "but I didn't think you'd actually leave me for a woman."

I pressed my lips together, looking to my shoes as I tried to talk myself out of not killing him there and then. The fact that he was blaming the breakup on anyone but himself was disappointing but not surprising.

"Can you leave now?" I finally spoke, looking up to him with expressionless eyes.

His smile of disbelief turned into a scoff as he headed for the door. "Whatever. Your roast lamb is shit anyway."

I scrunched my face together with annoyance, unable to stop myself from yelling, "No it isn't!" as he walked out the door.

Unexpectedly, I saw the familiar red wisps of energy by the door before it suddenly slammed shut, smacking Teddy in the butt and propelling him forward with a start. He turned around to look through the glass, expecting to blame someone, but Wanda and I were nowhere near the door, so he glared our way before storming off.

"Sorry," Wanda said, referring to the door, lowering her hand and red eyes returning to normal. "He's just a real dickhead."

I tried not to laugh as I nodded in agreement, already feeling better. "You're not wrong there..." I sighed, losing my smile as I gave her an apologetic glance. "I'm sorry for everything he said. Again."

Wanda rolled her eyes dismissively, shrugging her shoulders. "You should really stop apologising on his behalf. Especially since he's not your boyfriend anymore."

I relaxed my shoulders, leaning against the bed and looking to the floor. "Yeah, you're right... I just can't believe I put up with him this long."

Wanda didn't respond, but I heard her make a weird noise before she fake-coughed terribly, making me look up. Trying ever-so-hard to suppress a smile, she shook her head apologetically when she realised I noticed.

"Sorry, I– it's not funny," she attempted.

I smiled with amusement. "What?"

She licked her lips, before giving into her smile. "I just– I can't believe it either sometimes."

I breathed out with defeat, my smile turning into laughter alongside her. Eventually, she continued to help me with my crutches before I got the hang of it and the two of us began to leave the hospital. On the way out though, a random thought dawned on me and I stopped walking suddenly.

"What is it?" she asked worriedly.

I looked to her with curiosity. "That guy who stopped by your place a while ago. Your friend. Are you telling me that was–"

"Captain America?" she filled in with an amused smile. "Yeah."

"Woah." I was amazed, eyebrows raised as I let that sink in. I spoke to the Captain America and even implied he was a stalker. Woah.

"Come on, idiot," she laughed before leading me out the hospital, finally.

–

Breaking up with Teddy was long overdue, and whereas I thought I would feel bad for doing so, it was quite the opposite. I felt better, freer, unrestrained by the stupidity that was my ex. It was a few days after leaving the hospital when I found myself sitting on the couch with Wanda. She'd been helping me during my recovery, even though I insisted I was fine alone. She, of course, didn't listen though, and I was secretly glad because it meant I could spend more time with her.

"What about that fork? Can you move that?"

Wanda gave me a knowing look from the other end of the couch, amusement knitted in her smile. "Yes, Y/N."

To prove her point, her eyes glowed red and she flicked her hand, raising the fork on the dining table up in the air before setting it down.

I was amazed. "What about that cushion?"

She stifled a laugh before levitating the cushion between us and setting it down.

"And that book?"

"I have other powers, too, y'know," she pointed out, but levitated the book nonetheless.

I grinned. "Yeah, like flying."

She nodded in agreement. "Yeah, like that..."

And this.

"Woah!" I said with a start, eyebrows raised with surprise. "Did you just– what?!"

She laughed, the sound sending a swirl of butterflies in my stomach. Her eyes sparkled as she met my gaze, amused by my amazement.

"You can speak in my mind?" I asked in bewilderment.

"I can read minds, too," she continued.

"Wow." I breathed out, still not used to her having powers. Suddenly a thought came to mind and I glanced at her. "Have you, er, read my mind?"

"Never," she assured me, before adding with a head tilt, "at least not on purpose. Sometimes, if somebody's thoughts are too loud, I can't help but hear it."

I felt my face heating up as I avoided her eyes. "But my thoughts are quiet... right?"

Every potentially-embarrassing thought I'd ever had, including those I'd had of Wanda, came to mind and I suddenly grew nervous to her answer.

"Er, well, I mean..."

I looked to her when I heard her forming an answer, but the look on her face told me she had heard my thoughts at times and I ran a hand down my face with embarrassment.

"I promise it's never anything embarrassing or anything," she tried to make me feel better.

I groaned quietly, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Hey, I promise," she said with reassurance, before I felt her rest a hand on mine and squeeze it gently.

"What was the last thing you heard?" I asked, trying to veil my curiosity with a shrug.

I felt her gaze on me and looked her way to see green eyes sparkling with amusement. "Mostly you cursing at your ex."

Cracking a smile, I nodded. "Okay, maybe that's fine then..."

Her laughter surrounded us again and she let go of my hand before pulling her legs up on the couch to get comfortable and face me. She watched me with an endearing smile, making me unusually nervous.

"So, what other things can you do with your powers?" I asked, partially curious and partially trying to distract from my nerves.

She studied her right hand, red energy wisps at the tip of her fingers. "I can... I can throw energy balls," she remembered, looking to me before smiling, "but I won't demonstrate that since I'm sure you love your curtains."

"That I do," I said in agreement, leaning on the back cushion with my elbow as I faced her better.

"I can also manipulate thoughts, but once again, I'm sure you won't want a demonstration." She chuckled as she saw my change of expression.

"Yeah, no thank you," I said jokingly.

She pressed her lips together, thinking of what else she could do, but her smile faded into a thin line as a dark thought seemed to cross her mind.

"My brother had powers, too," she said quietly. "Super speed."

Since finding out who she was, I tried to piece together Wanda's background without bringing it up to her for fear it would upset her. It made a lot more sense why she'd moved next door now that I knew who she was, but she hadn't once brought up her family again until, well, until now.

"Pietro," I said, hoping I'd got his name correct. "Right?"

She nodded, lowering her hand and looking to me. "Yeah, that's him... he also had powers. It was actually what got him killed." She barely flinched as she spoke. "He saved someone's life in the battle against Ultron."

I sensed her sadness when her gaze softened as she finished speaking, and my heart ached now that I knew the truth.

"You don't have to tell me, Wanda," I said gently, hoping she didn't feel obligated to.

"No, no...," she shook her head, "it's nice to finally be able to tell you the truth. The whole truth. Not some rendition of it."

I nodded, relaxing under her stare. I was glad, too, to know she trusted me with such sensitive information about her life. It made me feel important, kind of like confirmation that I meant as much to her as she did to me.

"Do you think you're gonna go back to the Avengers tower anytime soon?" I asked. "I know you mentioned living here was temporary, so..."

It was selfish of me to think, but I hoped the answer was no. She hadn't said, but I gathered she hadn't been fulfilling her role as an Avenger as much as she should have been, as she was still on a break from there since grieving for her brother. But she seemed better than she did when she first got here, and if that meant she was going to go back there... I hoped it didn't, selfishly enough. I know the world needed another hero, but, I mean, did they?

"Trying to get rid of me already?" she teased, quirking a brow, making me smile with embarrassment. She noticed and added, "I'm kidding, Y/N. But to answer your question, no, not yet. Maybe not ever. I thought I would be here to get away from them whilst I grieved, but I've come to like it here. It's become my new home. I can still help them and not stay there."

I tried to resist the urge to smile like a weirdo. "Oh, cool. Yeah, I get you."

Calm on the outside, but over the moon on the inside.

"Though I may have to reconsider if my neighbour keeps using me like a carnival attraction," she added playfully.

I laughed, putting my hair behind my ear as I shrugged. "I'm sorry, I can't help it. It's just so cool that you have powers!" She laughed quietly, making my smile widen. I continued without thinking, "Plus, your eyes go this pretty red colour whenever you use them and I just think that's pretty neat."

She rolled her eyes playfully, but I was surprised to see her cheeks turn the colour of said powers. God, she was stunning. I was sure I'd always known that, but maybe I'd never acknowledged the thought. Now though... she was adorable when she bit back a smile and her hazel eyes sparkled with distraction.

Suddenly remembering the beautiful girl before me had the ability to read minds, I cleared my throat and tried to debate whether or not that would be classed as a 'loud' thought. I'd liked to think it wasn't, but now I wasn't so sure... what if this was a loud thought? And she could actually hear everything I was saying about her in my head? Oh, no... I was definitely overthinking this. It was nothing to worry about.

"You okay over there? I can practically read your mind."

I looked up and saw she was teasing again, though now that I knew she had powers, those words carried a double meaning.

"Yeah, yeah, sure you can," I played along dismissively. "Nice try, Wanda."

She shrugged, laughter slipping from her lips. "Okay, whatever you say."

Nah, she was definitely playing me... right?

[sazandorable]

About moderating and banning content on AO3!

Okay so! I haven’t had the spoons to do this for a while but I cracked and ranted about it on twitter which is... not... conducive to long rants, so!

This is a h u g e discussion part of the l o n g history that led to the creation of AO3, which older, more informed, and more articulate people have talked about at length and can be found around if you look (I reblog some of it in my AO3 and fandom history tags for the curious). So I won’t go into that here, nor into the practical reasons why it’s not even possible to put that system in place anyway.

Arbitrarily, or the purpose of this post, because it’s the biggest topic I’ve seen brought up lately, I’ll be talking about fic depicting underage characters in se*ual situations, but honestly I could hold the exact same conversation on literally any controversial content.

This is about why you, specifically, if you are a content creator and especially if you are marginalised and especially if you are queer and especially especially if you are sensitive to fiction depicting certain things... do not, actually, want a banning system on AO3.

What? Of course we do. There’s a lot of p*do shit on AO3 and p*do shit is gross. No one should condone that, wtf? It would be easy to do — just periodically delete the entire Underage tag!

What will happen if that is done is that people will re-upload and continue to write it, they’ll just stop tagging and you will run into it with zero warning nor ability to filter it out. Again, this is not a theoretical — we know this is what happens. When I was a teen, adult content (all adult content) was not allowed on FF.NET; it was everywhere regardless, and without tags. The exact same thing happened on tumblr when adult content was banned as well. It’s not a matter of “staff not handling it well” — it just doesn’t work.

To keep safe the people who need to be able to exclude that tag, that tag needs to exist and be used.

Well, shucks. A reporting system then?

A reporting system would operate in one of two ways:

-an algorithm, which would delete a lot of stuff we wouldn’t want it to delete.

-humans, which is... the bigger problem.

An algorithm sounds great. We do want it to delete everything.

Okay. What about the daddy k*nk fics between consenting adult characters? What about the fics featuring characters that are children in the canon but are adults in the fic? What about the fics about teenagers exploring their se*uality together, written by adults about the experiences they remember having or wish they could have had? What about the thousands of SasuNaru and Drarry and other shounen and YA fics that will get written, by teens or by people who remember being teens? What about the se*ually explicit fic written by teens who are se*ually active in real life? What about the fics about CSA as trauma, about healing from it? What about the fics written by survivors of CSA to cope about their trauma? What about the fics that clearly show that it’s evil and traumatic? What about the super dark, harrowing, but beautiful and artistic that I’m glad I read even though it fucked me up for days? What about the ones that were really shitty but also horribly hot?

Well, some of these are still not okay, but maybe some might be. It depends on how it’s written. We’ll have humans moderating content and deciding, then.

Okay.

The thing is, I don’t know which of the things I just listed were okay for you to be depicted in fiction and which were too much. Odds are I don’t agree with you. Odds are if I asked 10 people randomly picked off the street, not everyone would agree.

Odds are, even if AO3 arbitrarily decided on which of those are allowed and which are not, you would not agree with their choice, and you would still be unhappy with the decision. (Or you would be happy, but your friends wouldn’t.)

Odds are, different AO3 content moderators might not agree on whether a given fic qualifies or not — is it artistic enough? Does it show enough that these actions are evil and wrong? Can the author prove they’re a teenager? Can the author prove they are a CSA victim? Can the author prove that this is to help them cope with their trauma? The author seem to be functioning alright, they mustn’t really be traumatised!

You know what I mean! There’s absolute, objectively gross shit out there that is not artistic and should not be published.

I agree that there’s vile stuff out there that makes me sick and that I think is very clearly just ped*philic trash. But there is no way to, 1) stop those from getting published anyway, 2) take those down and preserve the safety of everything else.

If we start forbidding some things, there’s two ways to go about it.

One single, clear, arbitrary rule — for instance, absolutely no adult content featuring characters under 18 (leaving aside the fact that this would not even work for the reason cited above). So we lose all the stuff from teenagers, all the coming of age stories about adolescence, all the stuff from CSA survivors; people who need to write it can’t publish it anymore, and people who need to read it can’t anymore either (and as a cool bonus, they’re told it’s wrong and made to feel bad about it). Depending on whether the rules applies to characters that are under 18 in the canon, we lose entire fandoms.

Or, subjective moderation by humans, according to what they estimate to be gross.

Let’s assume all moderators can agree on what’s gross or not.

If there is a system in place to ban some underage works because “gross shit”, then that means other gross stuff can be taken down on account of being gross and harmful.

Yeah! Gross stuff should be taken down! Come on, surely everyone agrees on what’s gross and harmful.

Ah.

But the problem is.

Here is a list of things I have seen — with my eyes seen — called harmful to be depicted in fiction:

Murder

Non-con

Inc*st

Cannibalism

Torture

Self-harm

Mental illness

Drugs

Racism

K*nk

Non-negotiated k*nk, but healthy k*nk is ok

Spanking k*nk

BDSM where the woman is a bottom, but woman top is ok

Healthy depictions of BDSM

Unhealthy depictions of BDSM

Queer people doing bad things

Abusive relationships

Rival/Enemies to lovers

Redemption stories

A happy relationship between a 17 yo and an 18 yo

A happy relationship between a 20 yo and a 60 yo

A happy relationship between a boss and their employee, or a college teacher and a student

A happy relationship between a 14 yo boy and an older teenage boy, because that’s reminiscent of older men preying on younger gay boys IRL

Se*ual content featuring a character whose age is unclear in canon and some people headcanon them as being underage, some as being a young adult

Loving, consensual fluff between characters that are evil villains, because it romanticises them and their actions

Dark content shipping female characters

Fluffy content shipping female characters, because it’s misogynistic to act like lesbians are only soft all the time

Consensual s*x featuring a canonically asexual character, because it implies that all aces can and should still have se*

Fics about the same canonically asexual character hating s*x, because that erases the experience of s*x-positive aces

Shipping a character who is perceived by some fans as queer-coded with a character of a different s*x

The tendency to ship a black character with white characters

Fluffy drunk s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Sleep s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Trans characters not experiencing dysphoria, because that idealises the trans experience

Consensual s*x between adults that are not married

LGBT+ content, because kids shouldn’t see that.

I guarantee you: you, I, and 10 random people plucked from the street will not agree on what, in that list, is and isn’t okay to publish and consume fiction of.

So why should your taste be the one followed? Why should it be the taste of mods you don’t know? Why should anyone get to dictate? What if the mods think your OTP is gross and your NOTP is fine?

This is the slippery slope argument.

Yes, it is the slippery slope argument. Because we know it happens. Because we’ve been there, because I’ve seen it happen myself twice already and I’m not even thirty. Because we know people do complain loudly about all of these things.

And because the second there is a banning system in place, assholes will use the system to abuse it and get stuff they just don’t like taken down using the “it is gross” argument, and one day you’ll wake up and the beautiful fic that helped you come to terms with your abuse/trauma/identity/orientation/k*nk for feet will be taken down and wonderful vulnerable creative people will have been harassed out of fandom because they argued with 1 person who didn’t like their foot k*nk fic that happened to also feature, for instance, a CSA trauma backstory.

Again: not exaggerating. Not theoretical. It happens, we know it happens, AO3 was created literally because it happens.

I still fucking hate that stuff.

That is completely fine and normal. No one likes everything. Me too! Most of the dark stuff is niche and the creators know only few people will like it the same way they do.

(For the record, I get grossed out and triggered by fics about an asexual character who does not like s*x having s*x with their partner to make them happy. Deep in my gut everything screams that that’s fucked up, terrifying and harmful, how can people write that. But I recognise that there are people who love and need that, and I leave those people and their content alone.

OTOH, I read a lot of otherwise dark shit and I enjoy it in the same way I enjoyed, say, Hannibal, in the same way some people enjoy true crime documentaries, horror movies or r*pe fantasy k*nk. It helps me explore stuff that I like to see in fiction, in a safe, controlled way. I’m also asexual, 90% s*x-repulsed IRL, and, obviously, I would never abuse a child. For that matter, I wouldn’t kill and eat people, either, nor would I do 90% of the tamer k*nky stuff I read.

Of course, Hannibal was fucked up and lots of people probably think Hannibal was gross and should not have been aired — but as exemplified by the fact that it was created, aired and watched, lots of people thought it was fine, interesting and even fun to watch.)

You can and should curate your experience and protect yourself. The AO3 website now allows you to exclude certain tags, and people have developed tools to help with that such as plugins that save your filters or hide fics that contain certain words.

But no, it isn’t going to, and it shouldn’t, get banned.

[blu-joons]

Unofficially Official ~ Jeon Jungkook

Your eyes flickered across to Jungkook, noticing how engaged he was with the meal before him. A comfortable silence had presented itself between the two of you, something that had arisen after several meetings between the two of you.

However, you had no idea what those meetings truly meant. Jungkook had expressed many times how fond of you he had become, and yet you had no idea where exactly that meant you stood as a part of Jungkook’s life.

You loved spending time with him, but you were never quite sure what as. A friend, a partner, a gap fill, whilst he waited for someone else to come back into his life.

“This place has the best burgers ever,” he absentmindedly commented, picking up one of the napkins from the middle of the table to dab into the corner of his mouth. “You’ve barely touched yours, is it not good?”

“No, it’s good,” you hummed, failing to realise how distracted you had become. “I guess I’m not as hungry as I thought when I ordered this off the menu. It’s huge.”

He chuckled gently, “if you have trouble finishing it, send it my way.”

You nodded back at him, watching on as he tucked back into his meal as soon as he’d finished his sentence, not realising the sigh that you let go of as you sunk back in your seat.

The expression caused Jungkook to look back over at you, his brows knitting together as he caught onto the small pout that was on your face and the lack of colour that your eyes held onto.

“Everything alright?” He quizzed, placing his burger back down onto the plate to ensure that his attention was fully on you. “I have to say, you’ve seemed a bit off all evening Y/N.”

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind,” you admitted, unable to lie to the bright eyes that stared back across at you. “I guess I’ve found myself getting a little too distracted. I’m sorry, I’ll be in a better mood for the rest of the evening and stop being grumpy.”

“If something’s the matter, then you can tell me,” he assured you, offering you a small smile. You smiled back at him as best you could, struggling to find the words to bring together without telling him what really ran through your mind.

As you looked across at him, you could feel the way your heart fluttered, the feeling of butterflies swirling around in your stomach just at the way he smiled. But those feelings meant nothing when Jungkook always managed to keep you at an arm’s length.

“I can tell that this is more than something small,” he added in response to your silence, “surely we’re comfortable enough with each other now to be able to open up to one another.”

With each word that he spoke, you could feel yourself slipping further and further into the friendzone, the last true place that you wanted to be. Hope felt like it was disappearing as everything you hoped wouldn’t happen began to feel as if it were becoming the reality.

As you met his eyes, your head and your heart were telling you two different things. A small part of you wanted to call him out and beg him to stop playing games. The other part of you was convinced you just needed to accept whatever reality was coming towards you.

“There is one thing,” you then spoke up, before you even realised you had done.

“Of course,” Jungkook grinned, leaning further towards you across the length of the table.

A shaky breath left you, realising you’d given yourself no other choice but to speak now. “What exactly are we Jungkook?”

Your question struck him in a moment of surprise, as a quick apology came from you as he loudly cleared his throat. The anticipation as you waited for a response from him killed you on the inside, instantly beginning to doubt why you’d been so full of confidence.

“That’s a good question,” he suddenly replied, “one that I’ve got plenty of answers to too.”

You stared back at him, “are you going to tell me any of the answers that you have to that question, or do I have to keep guessing like you always make me do?”

If he didn’t recognise the signs already, Jungkook certainly saw every emotion you felt towards him in the tone of your voice as you questioned him. He knew he’d been unfair on you at times as you got to know each other, but it never came from bad intentions.

“I get so many vibes from you,” you frowned, “I don’t think I can ever get a straight answer from you, I’m just left hanging like nothing.”

“That’s not true,” he harshly whispered back at you, not wanting to listen to you any further. “But the answer is I really don’t know. I want to make things work with you, but each time I try, I get nervous and find myself backing out. I get scared of rejection and messing things up.”

Your head shook as his eyes fell to look at the carpet of the restaurant. “I’ve never given you the impression that I’d reject you, have I? Because I certainly would never reject you, why else do you think I’ve been with you every time you’ve asked me if I’m free for a while?”

His head nodded slowly, “I know that I’ve probably stringed you a long, and that was never my intention. I guess I just never really knew how to go about what I wanted to.”

“You should’ve just said,” you sighed, slightly out of frustration, “if you were so afraid to make things official, you should have spoke up. You just said that we were close enough to open up to each other, and yet you didn’t with me?”

He understood that you had every right to be disappointed in him, but you also couldn’t help but smile. Seeing how nervous and conflicted he was around you made your heart happy, and your head more than relieved to finally hear him speak up.

“I know that I was wrong now,” he continued to frown, “but I want to be sure that you know I’ve wanted to make things official for so long. I like you, and maybe that scared me more than I realise, but I need to know that you feel the same.”

“As if I haven’t already made that obvious enough,” you teased, earning a small giggle out of Jungkook too. “You know I like you Jungkook, I’ve been waiting around for long enough to know that you like me too and that you weren’t going to end up breaking my heart.”

“I would’ve never broken your heart; you know how much you mean to me already.”

Your head nodded as his eyes looked up to meet yours once more, a hint of a smile etched on his face. “I do, but I never really knew what that meant for us. I never understood whether that meant the things that I hoped that it would.”

Another giggle came, as his hand reached across the table, resting in between the plates and glasses. You took it as a sign to reach out too, feeling his hand intertwine tightly with yours, squeezing against the palm of your hand.

“So, are you going to make this official?”

“I think we always were unofficially official. But now, yes I am.”

---

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