#also I’m trying to space it out on a couple different credit card bills instead of all of it in November 😭

[likedaylighht]

I’ve already started Christmas shopping and I’m so excited bc I’ve never started shopping this early

[bettsfic]

hi, i was reading your years in review and i noticed that you quit a job of many years to go your own way. i was wondering if you would mind talking about this decision/if you struggled with it? idk i've always told myself that i wouldn't let the idea of a "career" get in the way of what i want (e.g. writing) and that one day (shortly after 30?) i would just quit whatever job i had and go my own way, but as that deadline comes up i find it harder to imagine how i could just uproot myself...

yes, i very much did struggle with the decision to quit (what i thought was) my very stable and lucrative career in finance to get an MFA in creative writing. it’s a bit of a long story so i’m putting it under a cut.

warning for suicidality and sexual assault.

i used to believe i grew up poor, but it was the 90s so poverty looked very different. my dad didn’t work for a long time, and so we only had one income, and we lived in an apartment that was kind of a lowkey hoarder home. as a kid, all i knew was that i didn’t get to have toys, or my own space, and i wasn’t allowed to have friends over. the concept of an allowance was totally alien to me. but it also wasn’t like i ever went hungry. the food we had wasn’t particularly healthy but it was always there.

i didn’t really realize how much that instability affected me until much later, when i noticed other people hadn’t lived their entire lives aware of and obsessed with money. i used to compulsively count the change in my piggy bank and beg my mom to take it so she could pay her taxes (i didn’t know what taxes meant, i just assumed they were the reason we couldn’t afford nice things). 

my safe haven was always my grandparents’ house, which was clean and had semi-healthy food and the door was always open. my grandpa was a high school chemistry teacher. my grandma worked at a bank. growing up, i had no idea what she did at the bank, just that it sponsored all the fun things we did, like going to amusement parks and baseball games. my parents never took my sister and i on vacation, but every year, my grandma would drive us to visit our family in missouri, which, even though it only cost the gas to get there, seemed like a wild indulgence to me.

i started working at 16 so i could have my own money. by 17 i was working illegally full-time and getting paid under the table. then i bought my own car, and shortly after i turned 18 i got my own apartment. even though i could pay my bills, i was still terrified about money. i thought about it all the time. i checked my bank account multiple times a day. i was a cashier at a restaurant and i would often open my drawer and just stare at the money or count it when i was bored.

but i hated working at the restaurant, and one day i thought to myself, how can i keep the money part of this job but lose the food part? then i remembered my grandma’s career at the bank (from which by then she’d retired), and that afternoon i sat down and applied to be a teller at the very same bank. obviously the bank was very large and it wasn’t like my grandma was in management. she worked in ATM operations. nobody on my hiring committee knew who she was, and honestly i have no idea how i got the job.

i stayed a teller through college, working 25ish hours a week. it didn’t pay very well and i was still nervous about money, so i picked up a job altering bridal gowns on evenings and weekends, and also an admin job at my university. so i was working 60ish hours a week, plus going to school full-time and trying to keep up my 4.0. in retrospect, i can’t remember how necessary all this was. i know i was living in an apartment whose rent was higher than i could afford, and i lived with my boyfriend who was struggling to find a job. anyway, it was definitely the lowest time of my life, and i was so exhausted that every day i hoped something horrible would happen to me so i could be hospitalized and rest. 

then something horrible did happen. my dad died. and even though everyone in my life was telling me to please dear god take a break, i did not. 

i got promoted to business finance, which paid what seemed at the time to be an ungodly amount of money. i was still part-time and finishing up my undergrad degree. once i graduated, i got promoted to full-time. for the first couple years, i really did try to be a banker. i was good at my job only insofar as someone who is left-handed can write with their right hand if forced for long enough. it felt very much like i was in the wrong place, but by that point i had so much unchecked trauma that i had convinced myself the highest human ideal was misery and deprivation. i wish i was kidding. i was the definition of ascetic and martyred myself. i didn’t believe happiness existed. work was all that mattered to me.

then i bought a house. so at this point, i had student loans, a car loan, a mortgage, and credit card debt. after my dad’s death, my mom had to file for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. she abandoned her house. by this point i was 23, single, in six figures of debt with no familial support net, but i was making decent money at the bank, so it wasn’t like i was drowning. in fact i was doing pretty well. the bank was a rock in my very turbulent life. i got a lot of vacation time that allowed me to travel a bit. i had insurance and a matching 401(k). it was really a decent job.

but the bank was also in many ways an abusive relationship. i don’t mean that metaphorically. i had bosses who manipulated me, insulted me, humiliated me in front of other people. i had one boss who went so far as to look at my checking account and ridicule my purchases. i didn’t have any idea what it meant to stand up for myself or say no. in fact i wasn’t allowed to say no. my job at the bank involved solving other people’s problems. i could never say “i can’t solve that problem.” i could only say “i’ll figure it out.”

i had convinced myself working at the bank was a stable career because it was boring and i hated it. but actually it wasn’t stable at all. after 2008, there were mass layoffs and restructures every year while the bank tried to recover from the recession. i worked for a sales team, and so my job was dependent entirely on whether or not the salespeople did their jobs well. if they didn’t make goal, they’d get fired. if they got fired, i’d get fired. 

i started trying to date again and was sexually assaulted. after that i really struggled at work because i was dissociating a lot and couldn’t focus. my team, despite my having worked there for years, instead of being concerned for me decided to start complaining about me to my boss. finally i had to tell a coworker what happened and that i wasn’t doing very well. my team started being a little nicer to me but ultimately they didn’t care about me, they cared about how effective i was at my job. my boss didn’t want to fire me, so instead i was pushed onto another team.

that move came with a raise. then that team was dismantled and i was pushed onto another team. that was a demotion, but i got to keep my raise from the previous move. by then, i was working from home, and even though i was more comfortable i was also very isolated and miserable. my “fulfillment through deprivation” attitude was destroying me. i wasn’t eating well or taking care of myself. i was isolated and lonely. i still didn’t believe happiness was real and i constantly thought about killing myself. 

but i had started writing fanfiction, and even though i didn’t think i was any good at it, i was beginning to see a way out. i was beginning to learn how to dream, and want things, and give myself the things i wanted. i just couldn’t imagine leaving the bank, or selling my house, or moving out of my hometown. all of that seemed impossible to me.

then i had to go to a business conference where my team had a retirement party for one of my coworkers. she’d done what i was doing for 45 years. by that point i was at the 9 year mark. i’d spent my entire adult life at the bank. and i realized: the bank benefited from my fear and passivity, and nothing in my life was going to change unless i was willing to make sacrifices. 

but i still wasn’t entirely convinced. and then came the day i had to physically hold onto my desk to keep me from killing myself. i didn’t end up trying it, because i had another realization: this was a life or death situation now. if i kept working at the bank, i knew i would die. i knew eventually i would get low enough to do it. i didn’t actually want to die; i wanted an escape and didn’t know what else to do. suddenly i was off the hook. my options were not “financial stability or imminent poverty” but “live or die.” 

those were the big epiphanies i had, but the process of actually leaving the bank was a slow one. i wrote a bit about it here. i got into an MFA program basically by telling myself repeatedly i would figure out the money stuff later. when it came time to quit the bank, my boss convinced me to stay on working part-time, with the assumption i would move back to full-time once i’d graduated. i agreed to it, because just trying to quit was enough to convince me i could, and that better things were ahead of me. for a year and a half, i stayed on working two days a week while doing my MFA, which involved both coursework and teaching, and it felt a bit like it did during undergrad, having too many jobs and no time to breathe or think or feel anything.

between my first and second year, i had a looooong overdue mental breakdown. there were a lot of causes, but one of them was spreading myself too thin. shortly after, i quit for good. by then it didn’t feel like a big deal at all, i was so far removed from the work and my team and so focused on my degree. one day i turned on my work laptop and the next day i didn’t. i shipped it back to HQ and it was over.

then i graduated from the MFA and suddenly had to face the consequences of this life i’d chosen. my school kept me on as an adjunct, but it felt like being a ghost. i no longer had the community of my cohort. i had no health insurance. i was given my teaching schedule and a contract to sign, that’s it. there was no guarantee i would be getting classes the following semester, and after a year, that was what happened. i remember sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying not to cry when i got the email that said the department had nothing for me to teach the following semester.

i really wasn’t the same after the breakdown. i went from “i can do anything i put my mind to no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts” to “i have to step carefully, and treat myself gently.” i hadn’t fully realized that yet, though, so i tried to get a Real Job. i got the first and only job i applied to, because i am bad at nearly everything but somehow i’m exceptional in interviews. it wasn’t a bank but it offered the same sort of benefits package. it was a full-time salaried position at a non-profit. if i had found it earlier, i think it would have been my dream job. it was the kind of work you throw yourself into because you care so much about doing good. 

i lasted a month. during the first week something happened that triggered me in a way i’m very rarely triggered. i realized i needed disability accommodations, but i needed to go to a doctor to get an assessment and i had to be on the team 60 days in order to get insurance. i thought i could white-knuckle it, and i could, sort of, but every minute i was at work, it felt like i was forced away from the thing i should have been doing. i was constantly trying to write a few paragraphs here and there on my phone when no one was looking. i had to find excuses to take breaks and go to my car and breathe. at one point i told a volunteer i was an english instructor, and she looked at me very confused, and i realized i’d said it in present tense, like it was part of who i was and not a job i did for a while. then finally, my breaking point was an after-hours function. when i left i saw a field full of fireflies and thought about how, if i’d just stayed home, i could have sat outside and enjoyed them all evening, not just a glance at them on the way to my car. i liked the job but it was making me miss all the things i’d learned to love about being alive.

i quit the next day. i’d sold my house by then (which was its own feat) and moved in with my grandma, which hadn’t been a possibility until my grandpa passed away the previous spring. i paid off my car. i figured out finally that i would probably never be able to work full-time again unless it was teaching, and that the downside to this life would be accepting fear and instability, only being able to look ahead one semester at a time. staying open to the opportunities that arise. being a little selfish. 

i wrote a bit more about the financial realities of the writing life here. i can’t tell you what you should do, because the path i took definitely isn’t the path for everyone, but i do believe we all owe it to ourselves to pursue our best and happiest lives, because we only get one, and there’s no reason not to live it the way you want to. 

[snowdice]

Road Trips and Missing Persons (Part 1)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Patton & Virgil (more to be added)

Characters: Patton, Virgil (more to be added: probably everyone)

Summary: Patton was just getting groceries. The next thing he knew, there was a knife at his throat and he was an unwilling uber driver. Virgil’s on the run after the murder of his dad, and it’s not just his paranoia that’s telling him he’s being chased down. He has to get somewhere safe, somewhere he can trust, and all he has is a couple of stories from his dad and a name: “Green Bellow Foods and Dispensary.”

Notes: Secret Agents AU, knives, carjacking, kidnapping (more to be added)

This is a fic I’ve been writing on study breaks that you have probably all already seen at this point. I’ve affectionately named it the Goblin Brain Fic because it’s helping my brain actually get motivated for studying. I’ve slightly edited it for wording and grammar, but not for content from my previous posts. Feel free to send in asks to direct it because I’m not 100% sure where this is going and you can help decide if you feel so inclined!

Patton had just been getting himself groceries. He was planning on making homemade macaroni and cheese for himself this weekend and went around the store grabbing all kinds of different cheeses (some which he did not recognize the names of and might not actually make good Macaroni and Cheese, but how could he resist the cute little goats on it) and little mini shell pasta. He also picked up some heavy cream and then headed to the cash registers with his spoils.

He’d been a bit distracted with his plans for cooking when he’d gotten into his car to drive home and hadn’t been paying as much attention as he probably should have.

The next thing he knew, there was a knife at his throat. He paused. “Hi?” he said tentatively.

“Put your keys into the ignition and drive,” a dark voice said into his ear.

Patton took a deep breath. “Sure,” he said, reaching forward to slowly do as the man asked. “Any particular direction we’re going in?”

“Fucking, I don’t know. Just drive,” he said. “I’ll decide later.”

“Alright,” Patton agreed and put the car into reverse. “Can I turn my head to make sure I’m not backing into anything?” he asked.

The knife retreated a bit in answer. Patton turned his head slowly and looked back while letting his foot off the break and quickly scanned his new friend out of the corner of his eye. There wasn’t much to be seen. He had a dark hoodie covering most of his frame, but a few tuffs of dark hair stuck out of it, framing a pale face with a streak of blood down his cheek and a purpling bruise near his eye.

Patton didn’t indicate that he’d seen any of this, instead choosing to turn back to face front and drive out of the grocery store parking lot.

The knife returned after that, though it didn’t touch him this time. It just hovered. Patton chose to drive towards the interstate, careful to keep his hands on the steering wheel and make no sudden movements.

“Why are you getting on the interstate?” the man behind him asked. There was caution in his tone, but he didn’t seem too suspicious of the move.

“You wanted me to drive and I don’t know where or how long. There’s a lot more driving to do out here than in town,” Patton explained. “Is that okay?”

“I…” he responded. “Yeah, sure.”

So, Patton continued to drive.

 Eventually the knife started to retreat a bit, though it was still there. About 30 minutes into the ride, Patton decided it was okay to speak. “Would you like to come sit in the passenger seat?” he asked softly. “You can lean the knife across the console at my side. It’d probably be a bit more comfortable.”

The knife returned to Patton’s neck. “No,” he said firmly.

“Okay,” Patton agreed calmly.

Yet, despite his initial reaction, it was less than 5 minutes later that the knife dropped a bit again. “… I’m moving to the front seat,” he grumbled. Patton suppressed a smile.

There was shifting around in the back and then a body threw itself up into the passenger seat. He scrambled into a sitting position and rushed to point the knife back at Patton. Patton just kept driving. After a few minutes he relaxed a bit again.

Patton bit back the words ‘Put your seatbelt on,’ and instead said. “Figured out where we’re going yet?”

“Uh…” he replied. “Do you know any places associated with Green Bellow Foods?”

Hmmm... “There’s an abandoned factory near Livington. Would that work?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Let’s go there.”

“Okay, but fair warning, it is about a 3-hour drive from here.”

“Great,” he hissed.

Patton glanced over at him. He was still just a blob of black fabric for the most part as the hoodie still covered most of his body, but when he looked over at Patton, he revealed a bit more of his face. Patton was surprised by how young it looked. He looked like a teenager, likely not even a legal adult. “Since we’re going to be driving for a while,” Patton broached after a few more minutes to let him settle in the front seat. “Can we get something to eat? I have a lot of cheese in the back, but I’m lactose intolerant so that’s probably not a good idea for a closed car.”

“You…” the boy started. “If your lactose intolerant why do you have an entire bag full of just cheese?”

“And heavy cream and shell pasta! I was going to make mac and cheese when I got home!”

“That doesn’t answer the question.” Patton noticed that the knife had drifted away from him as they spoke.

“I like cheese,” Patton said with a shrug. “Anyway, I can go through a drive through,” he tempted.

“I…” Patton saw him bite his lip nervously out of the corner of his eye. “Fine, sure. I guess. Just… just you’re going to have to use cash so no one can track your credit card.”

“Okay then,” Patton agreed with a small smile in his direction. “We’ll get off at the next exit!”

“Uh, yeah, okay,” he said. “Er… Don’t… try any funny business?”

Oh goodness. He was a baby. “Of course not.”

Signs for the next exist started popping up a few minutes later. They passed a blue sign with a couple of restaurant emblems on it.

“Looks like your options are Wendy’s, Chick-fil-A, Hardees, or Freddy’s. What’re you thinking?”

“Uh I don’t know? I don’t care.”

“You have to have some preference,” Patton said. “Go ahead and pick.”

He hesitated. “Maybe Freddy’s? I don’t think I’ve tried that before.”

“Sounds good!” Patton chirped. He pulled off at the exit into a medium sized town. The exit dumped them straight onto the town’s main street and Patton could see the sign for Freddy’s a bit down the road. “So…” Patton fished while they were stuck at a red light. “Why Green Bellow Foods?”

“No reason! Why do you care?” he asked, suddenly intense and defensive.

“Woah,” Patton placated. “I’m just curious. I’m the one driving you over three hours to get there after all. I just wondered why.”

“Right,” the boy said, curling in a bit on himself. After a moment he mumbled. “My dad knew the owner.”

Did he now? Patton thought. He didn’t comment on the use of the word “knew.” The light turned green and Patton glanced over at him. “How old are you?” he asked.

“You don’t need to know.”

Patton hummed as the light turned green. “What if I guess and you tell me if I’m right?” He didn’t respond, instead crossing his arms over his chest defensively. “Let’s see,” Patton said anyway, glancing over at him. “Twelve?”

“What?! No! I’m 15!” Then he paused. “Hey!”

“Fifteen, huh?” Patton asked. “Is that why you didn’t just steal a car? You don’t know how to drive?” His new friend gave him a wounded look that edged on a pout. “What do you want to eat?” Patton asked.

He bit his lip. “What type of food is there?”

“Mostly burgers and fries, but also chicken sandwiches and hot dogs. And ice cream! Well frozen custard, but ice cream!”

“Er… just order me a cheeseburger and fries.”

“And ice cream!”

“I don’t need ice cream,” he mumbled.

“Well, I’m getting ice cream.”

“Do whatever you want,” he grumbled.

Patton narrowed his eyes at him. The kid wanted, no he needed ice cream, Patton decided.

Patton pulled into Freddy’s drive through and ordered two burgers with fries and drinks and a Dirt ‘N Worms concrete. Patton reached for his wallet and the boy startled, but he didn’t instinctually reach for the knife, Patton noted.

“Just getting my wallet,” Patton soothed, continuing to move slowly to take it out. He flipped open his wallet and took out a $20 bill. The boy relaxed again.

Patton greeted the drive-through worker with a cheery “hello” and exchanged the money for their food before thanking the employee and driving off. He pulled into a parking space in the Freddy’s parking lot.

“Do you mind if we eat real quick before hitting the road?”

He hesitated. “No funny business?”

“No funny business,” Patton swore.

“Then, fine.”

Patton put the car into park, and they started to eat their food. “So, what’s your name?” He got a suspicious look in return. “My name’s Patton,” he offered. “You can just tell me a nickname.”

“…You can call me Anxiety.”

Patton frowned a bit at the name but accepted it for the moment. He balled up the burger wrapper and stuck it in the bag. ‘Anxiety’ who had been just holding his awkwardly, followed his lead.

“Now for dessert!” Patton enthused and then made a show of freezing. “Wait. I forgot. I’m lactose intolerant.”

“How do you forget-?”

“And I forgot my lactaid pill. Guess you’ll have to eat it while I drive.”

‘Anxiety’ glared at him but took the ice cream. If Patton caught him smiling just a bit as Patton started to drive again, he didn’t mention it.

Want to read more? Click below!

AO3 Part 2 My Master Post (since it won’t show up on mobile. AHH.)

[abzzz3]

No Soul To Love - Part Three

gif credit to @sharingloki​

Part of a multipart fic requested by @leniram1890​

Summary: The soul is a powerful thing. It has the ability to heal people when harnessed, but also has a will of it’s own when you find a soulmate. Your soul has been ripped from you for the very purpose of healing others, and now you’re just trying to have as normal of a life as possible. That’s when tall, dark and handsome showed up, flipping everything onto it’s head and forcing you to hope for more than this life you’ve been damned to.

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Tags: @leniram1890​ @kcd15​ @deathkat657​

Warnings: vague eluding to potential drowning

Word Count: 1,735

Notes: This chapter definitely didn’t go how I originally planned it to, but it’ll probably make the rest of the fic better so I’m not mad. If you would like to be added to the tag list please let me know, constructive criticism is welcome.

_______________________________________________________________

“So what happened back there? Your friend said it was a migraine” Loki asked, as you both walked along the street together, in the vague direction of your apartment

“Yeah, I get them randomly sometimes, never know when they’re about to happen” ‘Because I never get warning’ you added in your own head

“When did they start? Do you know what caused them to begin?” Loki continued to ask

“They started 6 months ago, and I know why they started but there’s nothing I can do to stop them. Believe me, I’ve tried” You answered, your tone defeated

Loki’s brows furrowed and he looked as though he was deep in thought, silent for a few minutes as you both continued to walk. You lead the whole way, although Loki was so in tune with your every movement that to any onlookers it looked as though you both knew exactly where you were going. You supposed it was just because you knew that he didn’t in fact know where it was going, that you could see the tiny delay in his movements when responding to you.

“This is me” You said, stopping outside a red brick apartment building that looked a little run down but still nice enough to be a proper home, if a little outdated

Loki looked upwards, as if inspecting the building, and then back down at you

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” He asked once again

You chuckled, a small smile creeping across your lips

“Yes, I’ll be fine. I just need to shower and get an early night’s sleep and I’ll be good as new in the morning”

“Very well”

You smiled and made your way up the stair to the main entrance, keys in hand, when Loki called after you 

“y/n!” you turned around to face him “perhaps it’s better if I don’t come back to the store again, I saw the fuss I made for you all today . . . you, especially”

“Oh . . .” you heard the disappointment in your voice and was surprised by it “if you want, but Loki, you didn’t cause my-”

“Is there any chance I could have books brought to me, instead?” He asked, watching you intently

“You mean like delivery? Sure, I’ll give you the store number”

You reached into your handbag as you came back down the stairs and handed him a business card for the store “Just call it when you want to order anything new, there will be a delivery fee to pay as well, but it won’t be much-”

“That won’t be a problem” He assured, taking the card from your hand, fingers brushing slightly as he continued to look at you “Thank you, y/n, until next time”

Loki gave a slight bow and walked off without another word, leaving you slightly speechless as you watched him walk off, before heading inside and into your apartment.

The space wasn’t fancy by any means, but it was home. The linoleum in the kitchen/dining area was coming up in one of the corners and it was scuffed in some places through years of use, but you had craftily hidden most of it with furniture and plants, and the living room had an old brown carpet that you hated and could only hide to a certain extent underneath a couple of rugs. It was cosy though, with each wall filled with bookcases, overflowing with books that had been either read or were on the to-be-read list, or even some favourites that had been read so often that they had anything from coffee spills dried into the pages to broken spines, held together by superglue because until pages fell out and were lost you refused to replace them. This small space was your kingdom since you moved in four months ago, when you could no longer bare to live in your old house and also couldn’t afford the bills by yourself anymore. 

Most nights, you would come home and make dinner before sitting down with a book and read until your eyes started to droop, or you could no longer put off doing the adulty things life required of you when you lived on your own and had to look after your own space. Tonight though, you ate some leftovers, had a hot shower and went straight to bed, still thinking about the day’s events and Loki’s reactions to it all. 

-

“You know you could have warned me a bit sooner, I nearly passed out in the bath last night, Adam.” You scolded over the phone as you got ready

Some weeks had passed by now and Adam had continued to draw on you without effective warning beforehand, and you were furious after last night. 

“I don’t always get a chance to warn you y/n, he just showed up at my door and had the money there, I couldn’t just turn him away. Besides, you survived and still have your job. You’re fine” Adam sounded as though he didn’t have a care in the world right now, and it boiled your blood.

“No, I’m not fine.” you snapped “I’m anything but fine.”

“Calm down, there are people out there a lot worse off than you. Remember that next time you try to berate me” He responded, his voice starting to turn to a warning tone

“Just warn me next time”

“Fine, I have a client coming in today, and I was going to give you a break with this one but now I’ve decided otherwise. This one will probably hurt” He snapped and hung up the phone

You wanted to scream in frustration and throw something but you knew it would make no difference, so you just took a deep breath and grabbed your bag before heading out the door and to work. The walk was uneventful and the only things you were going into work for today was a team meeting before the store opened. You walked inside and saw Mr. and Mrs. Bates already there, along with Tessa who was just putting her bag down so must have only arrived a couple minutes before you.

“Good morning ladies, we’re just waiting on Sean now and then we’ll get started” Mr. Bates greeted, and as though he was summoned by the sound of his name Sean, the new employee, walked through the front door and greeted everyone which meant Mr. Bates could get straight into the meeting.

“Now, as we’re all aware by now the store has become much more popular over the last month, to the point where we’re making more than double our usual revenue. This has solidified Mrs. Bates’ and my thoughts on something we’ve been discussing and putting into the works for about a year now.”

You all waited in suspense for what was to come next

“We’ve come across the opportunity to open a store upstate. There is an old storefront that has been vacant for sometime now in the town where we live, and if we’re being honest” Mr. Bates gave his wife a cheeky smile “We’re both a bit bored at home and having gotten a taste for work again over the last month we don’t particularly want to stop working in the store any time soon. We won’t be able to run the upstate store by ourselves though, and this is where you guys come in.” He looked around at all three of us

“If any of you would like, we will be needing one staff member upstate, otherwise we are also able to hire someone from the area. No one has to answer today, but we will be opening the store two weeks from now” Mr. Bates nodded in the way he usually did to say that the conversation had finished and we were each free to go.

You sat there thinking about it for a moment and before you even realized it your body was already standing and moving towards Mr. Bates

“I’d like to move to the new store, Mr. Bates” The words tumbled out of your mouth

He looked shocked that you had given your answer so soon

“You don’t have to make up your mind yet child, this is a big decision” He cautioned

“I understand that, but I have no one here in the city and we all know city life isn’t really for me anyway. It would probably be better for my health anyway, being somewhere quieter” You explained to him, watching him nod thoughtfully

There was also that fact that now that the opportunity was in front of you, the thought of being further away from Adam was also a massive driver in your decision. You would give anything to be as far away from that man as possible.

“The town is small, there isn’t any nightlife or many people your age y/n” He continued to try, to make you take your time thinking about it

You just gave him a knowing look, as if to say ‘you know I don’t care for nightlife anyway’ which made him chuckle at his own comment

“Very well, if you truly want to. There is an apartment upstairs that was also part of the sale, which you can rent from us as well, unless you would rather stay where you currently are and travel back and forth” His brows furrowed with a disapproving look as he mentioned the long drives it would take to get to and from work

“I’d love the apartment, thank you. You’ve both been very generous to me” You thanked, looking at the husband and wife duo with grateful eyes.

You finalized some details, leaving the conversation with Mr. Bates advising he would email through all the details and contract to do with the apartment, and all the necessary info about the new store and how/when it will be opened and run. 

The walk home was a thoughtful one as well as an intense one, making lists in your head of everything that had to be done and when it had to be done for you to move upstate in time for the opening of the new store. As scary and spur of the moment the decision was, you were also very excited. The only thing you would really be leaving in the city was Tessa and the both of you agreed you would catch up every second weekend. 

[neocity-sarai]

“Love in _____ “ series

❀ chapter 3: reader x jaemin

❀ forbidden love

❀ alerts: fluff, tinge of angst, language, suggestive, making out, i do not speak fluent french whatsoever, please forgive the mistakes, mentions of the dreamies

❀ song rec: “paris” by sabrina carpenter

“Love in Paris”

You’re surprised how you managed to make it this far. When you first told your parents that you wanted to move to Paris, they shot you down even before you finished. You told them you wanted to live by yourself to experience independence in a cultural epicenter and have some type of outlet to practice your french skills. Not that you were an expert in any way. Several days later, your father convinced your mother that it would be a good way to see the world and live in an environment that was different from your dull, quiet neighborhood. Before you knew it, you were on a one-way plane to Paris, France. 

Several months later

Thankfully, you were pretty decent at your french skills without butchering the accent you had to adopt when speaking. You got a job at a nearby cafe that was close to your studio apartment but you couldn’t feel any happier. Despite having such a small room, you adored it. All you had was a small bed, a wooden vanity, a mirror, and a few belongings from home. Every morning, you’d wake up to the honey-colored window next to your bed as you hung your arms out of it- looking at the Eiffel tower that scraped against the dawn sky. It was like you were living in a painting, the way that the sky turned a light shade of lilac during twilight or how the city glowed in the late hours of the night. In the mornings, you’d always pick up a bouquet of pansies in the market that resided in the Jardin des Tuileries. You’d place the flowers in a crystal glass that you found in some vintage store in passing, you considered it your best investment. During the night time, you always felt yourself relaxing with the sound of occasional car honks or the buskers playing their accordions on the streets. You’d put your headphones on to play some soft music, swirling a glass of red wine that sat in your hand. Over the first few weeks of coming there, you mostly stuck to your day to day routine rather than exploring Paris for yourself. When you had the time, you promised that you would scour the city by every corner and alley. You just had to earn your rent money first.

You actually found the boulangerie by accident. You made a wrong turn somewhere and discovered a quaint, two story bakery that was called, “Claudette’s.” By chance, you decided to follow the comforting scent of fresh bread and honey-glazed pastries, an older woman who wore a chiffon skirt smiled at you. The establishment only had a couple customers in it, she made her way around the corner, “Comment puis-je vous aider madame?” 

You answered her, “Embauchez- vous?”

“Oui.”

You walked closer to her, shaking her hand, “Je voudrais travailler ici. Parlez vous anglais?”

“Oui, un peu.”

“Merci.”

Though you could speak french without many problems, you still preferred speaking in english. You’re grateful that the woman was willing to cooperate with you. She eyed you curiously. She seemed like a character straight out of a novel as her hair piled into a messy bun of white, her apron is embroidered with tiny blossoms, and she looked extremely young for how old she actually was. In a heavy french accent she spoke to you, “Are you new in Paris?”

“I am, since a few months ago.”

“What- er, why work at my shoppe?”

Though the job is to make money, you really did want to experience the life of working in a bakery. You always were interested in how to make coffee or how to ice cakes and back home, you just couldn’t. You continue, “I want to learn from you, mademoiselle.”

“Call me Claudette, welcome.”

After your encounter with Claudette, you had been in Paris for nearly a year. Time flew by and you hadn’t even noticed. You were comfortable after trying and failing to make french-foam macchiatos, mixing up people’s orders, and getting the texture of the pastries right. You were thankful that Claudette was patient with you. 

Like every other Monday morning, you swung the sign that hung on the bakery’s door to open, taking the morning rush on by yourself. Claudette entrusted the shoppe to you when she needed to sort out inventory or go on errands. You didn’t mind that, knowing your customers’ names, conversations about their lives. When you finally got to the end of the line, a peculiar customer had stepped foot through the doorway. He seemed to be taller than you, dressed in a white t-shirt and a blue blazer with matching pants to go with it. The odd part was that you couldn’t clearly see his face as it was covered with a black scarf, hat, and blake sunglasses. Why did it seem like he was trying to hide his face? You asked him, “Comment puis-je vous aider?”

“Je voudrais un expresso, pas de lait.”

“Donc tout noir?”

“Huh?” Despite the dark shades over his eyes, you could still sense the boy’s confusion in his voice. You took your chances, “Are you fluent in english?”

“I sure am.”

You nod at him skeptically, “I was asking if you were sure you wanted all black, that’s a lot of caffeine.”

He raises an eyebrow at you, his voice muffled under his scarf, “Are you questioning my refined tastes?”

“Uh- no sir. That is not my intention. But, don’t say that I didn’t warn you.”

The boy pulls out his credit card as he darts his eyes around the cafe. Like he insists, you serve him his tiny cup of all black espresso, you even grimace at the heavy scent despite working with coffee for so long. He wasn’t kidding, he had gulped it down like it was nothing- your eyes widening at the sight. He smiled, his scarf still wrapped around his face. “I’d like another please.”

You eye him incredulously, “More? really?”

“Yes, that’s what I said miss..”

“Y/n. It’s y/n.”

“Your establishment is quite the place. You’ll be seeing me here often.”

Trying your best to smile at him, “I look forward to it.” You walk back to the counter, packing sweets for the next customer as you watch the boy gaze out the window. Even his posture seemed so formulaic due to the way he crossed in legs in a prim-proper way, dainty fingers stirring his half-full espresso shot. When you get around to the boy’s third espresso, your surge of confidence makes you lean down at him, “You asked my name, isn’t it right that I know yours?”

He slides his shades down slightly, his eyes a dark brown, “Oh, don’t worry y/n. You’ll be seeing plenty of me that you won’t forget my name.”

He places a large bill on the table, winking at you, “Keep the change, y/n. You deserve it for working so hard.”

He struts out the door, leaving you just as confused as you felt when he first walked in. Who was that? And why was he acting so mysteriously? Throughout the day, you hadn’t thought about him after being so busy taking orders and fulfilling them. 

To your surprise, the same boy came the next day around noon. You could tell by his odd disguise that contrasted with his crisp, white suit- his voice in a lower octave than yesterday. He whispered, “I’d like another espresso and a croissant please.”

You typed up his total on the register, two girls whispering behind him in line. He sat at one of the tables before one of the girls could tap on his shoulder, her expression falling when he walked away. When you set down his cup, you eye him carefully, “If you want more espressos, you’ll have to tell me what’s going on.”

He rests his chin on his hand before yanking his scarf down, “In what obligation do I have to do that? Isn’t it called customer confidentiality?”

“Not if you’re causing a disturbance. You look so suspicious right now!”

A scowl is scribbled on the boy’s face, some pink hair sticking out of his dark bucket hat, “Do you have anywhere private?”

“Follow me.” You lead him to your back stock room, his proximity too close for comfort. His eyes dart from the front of the store and back to you, his hand ripping off his mysterious ensemble. The boy finally reveals his face, a beautiful one at that. The locks that sit at the top of his head curl on his forehead are a shade of bubblegum pink, his lashes accent his eyes attractively, and his cheekbones accentuate his boyish charm. The boy smiles at you, his teeth shining through his pink lips, “You can’t tell anyone that I’m me.”

You stare back at him, “Who exactly are you?”

The boy dramatically runs a hand through his pink hair, “You don’t know who I am?”

“Should I?”

He sighs, “I’m Jaemin Na.”

You don’t catch on. Instead, you look down into space, catching a sight of Claudette’s magazine pile- a picture of a pink-haired boy on the front cover.

“Wait a minute-”

You grab the magazine hastily, holding it up next to the boy’s face, “Y-you’re Jaemin Na?”

He smiles brightly at you, “The one and only.” You rub your fingers against your chin, “Wait, what do you do exactly?”

Jaemin sighs at you, resting a hand on the wall near your head, “Listen sweetie, I’m the son of the Na family- consuls to the royal family of Versailles. I stay in the palace.”

“Ohh- so you’re a rich elitist boy?”

“Well- I guess you could put it that way.”

You scan him up and down curiously, “Well that explains the lame disguise. I’m sure girls would try to maul you. If it’s so much work, why don’t you just have one of the palace people make you coffee? Why bother coming here?”

Jaemin scrunches his nose, “Well I don’t appreciate the insult and I also hate to admit that no one makes coffee like you do- that’s why I started sneaking out and coming here. Don’t take too much credit though.”

Rolling your eyes at him, you smirk, “For someone who sits on their butt in the palace all day, you sure drink a lot of coffee, you should see a doctor.”

Jaemin smoothes down the fabric of his white vest jacket before covering his face with the scarf again, “My taste buds and stomach lining are perfectly fine, thank you very much.”

Shoving his bucket hat over his eyes, he storms out of the shoppe- leaving you with an amused grin on your face. The next day, Jaemin came once again. You asked him, “one espresso shot coming right up.”

Your fingers nimbly move on the register’s keyboard, a hand flying across it without any thought. You bring Jaemin his espresso cup, setting it down on a dainty white saucer in front of him, “Here’s your black coffee of death. Enjoy.”

You swivel back around, only to be stopped by the sound of Jaemin’s voice, “Hold it. Not so fast.”

“What is it now?”

“I never said I wanted an espresso- it’s a lavender latte kind of day.”

You step closer to him, your eyes widened like disks, “But you didn’t stop me at the counter? You always get an espresso- all black?”

“Not today. Plus, you only assumed and never thought to ask.”

You resist the urge to slap Jaemin square in the face, he was acting like a spoiled, conceited child. You eye him sternly, “Are you going to waste that?”

Jaemin bats his eyelashes at you, swinging the fabric of his scarf over his shoulder, “Well I certainly am not going to have an espresso today. I take that as a yes?”

You feel your eyes roll back into your head, you’re surprised they don’t turn inside out. Grumbling, you march away with the espresso in your hand- dumping it into the sink drain as Jaemin smiles an amused grin. You come back to him, a menu in hand, “What do you want and make the choice good because I won’t do this.”

Jaemin raises his eyebrow at you, “Isn’t that your job? Customer knows what’s best?”

Scoffing, you smash your fist on the table, “Don’t do this Jaemin or you’ll regret it.”

The pink haired boy narrows his eyes at you through his pretentious sunglasses, “I’d like a lavender latte- make it oat milk. I don’t digest dairy well.” Heading back to the counter, you whip up the drink, layering a mint-berry compote and oat milk as you strategically place a lavender stem at the top of it. You stand back to admire the perfection of the drink, the purple gradient blends into a cloud of white. When you place it onto the table in front of Jaemin, he takes a sip of the drink as you wait for his reaction. He uses his index finger to motion you closer to him, your feet moving on their own. 

“Well, how is it?”

A bright smile lights up his face, his white teeth gleaming between his lips, “It’s good but you need to come closer.”

You do as he says, his eyes flickering to your lips- you feel his breath on your face. Is he about to kiss you right now? He darts his eyes from your lips to your eyes. The fast-pace of your heartbeat skyrockets before it ends suddenly, Jaemin smacking his lips before whispering at you, “The oat milk could be a little less nutty.”

You break the tension, launching back from you, “Are you kidding me right now?”

Jaemin gives you a cheshire cat-like grin, “Yes but not to fear, I’ll still drink this since you worked so very hard on it.”

You raise your cloth rag at him, stopping your hand just before the crown of his head- your brows creased with distress. Before this, you had never dealt with such a difficult customer before. Your voice is laced with irritation, “Do you enjoy this?”

“Oh, so very much. I hope you don’t miss me, I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow.”

Grabbing his book sack, Jaemin heads out the door, leaving you alone to be irritated. Like he promises, Jaemin is back the next day. The whole evening after yesterday, you spent taking note of every trap Jaemin would set for you- there was no way he was going to get you this time. When he steps up to the register, you try to sound as polite as possible. 

“Welcome to Claudette’s. What would you like to order?”

He nods at you, clicking his tongue at the same time, “Let’s go with the caramel frappuccino, no whipped cream or foam please.”

After he pays, you skillfully make the drink right in front of him, carefully measuring the correct proportions of every ingredient. He places his fingers on his chin, one hand on his hip in a taunting manner, “This is so fascinating to watch y/n. You’re truly the master of beverage arts.” You scoff, pushing the finished drink to him, “Try that.”

When he takes a sip, his eyes sparkle with pleasure as he visibly shudders, “Well, I am pleased to say that you have passed the frappuccino test except for one thing.”

“What now?”

“The straw is upside down.”

You groan, slapping a palm to your forehead, “You’ve got to be kidding me Jaemin.”

Before Jaemin can answer you, you hear a familiar voice from the back of the stock room and you feel a hand sit on your shoulder, “Are you satisfied with miss y/n’s services sir?”

You whip around to be met with Claudette towering above you, her lips graced with a fond smile. Jaemin clears his throat before answering her, “She’s doing great but she’s having so trouble accepting constructive criticism.”

You stare back at him, gritting your teeth, “What are you talking about? I just-”

Claudette pats you on the head, “Maintenant, maintenant petit pan, what do I say?”

Respectfully, you repeat after her, “Customer always knows best.”

Jaemin adds, “I was just telling her that the straw was upside down just so that she doesn’t do this to other customers.”

“Oui Monsieur! Learn from the customer, y/n, it’ll make you a better worker and person.”

Jaemin lets out a hearty laugh from over the rim of his maroon scarf, “Other than that, she’s great.”

Glaring at him, you look up to Claudette who’s smiling at him, “I see that you come almost every day monsieur, thank you for enjoying my shoppe. Merci beaucoup!”

He smiles back at her, “It’s because of y/n.”

You feel your breath hitch at your throat when you hear Jaemin’s words, how can he say things so casually? You want to believe he’s saying these things to get under your skin again, you can’t seem to predict the pattern of his ways.

Claudette practically jumps out of her skin, her hands clapping wildly, “l'amour est dans l'air! Y/n, you need a break right now- let this nice man take you out for some air.”

Waving your hands in front of you, you shake your head at your boss, “Claudette, please. I need to look after the shop in case of more customers and I-”

The older woman cuts you off, “Nonsense! You’ve been working too hard since I’ve been out! You’re done for today! Out!”

Claudette holds out her hand to you to hand over your apron, an amused smile on her face. After you hand it to her, you gather your belongings from the stockroom before breezing past Jaemin out the door. You turn back to Claudette for affirmation, she’s always trying to shoo you out when she thinks you’ve worked for so long. You don’t mind her motherly aura. It makes you miss your own mother. You begin walking down the street towards your apartment, your bag slung over your shoulder. 

“Wait up! y/n!”

You turn around to be met with a huffing Jaemin, “Where are you going?”

Sighing, you say, “What does it look like? Home obviously?”

Jaemin holds up a finger so he can catch his breath, were you walking that fast? He says, “Why don't you spend the day with me?”

“Yeah, after you embarrassed me in front of my boss? No way, I’ll pass.”

Turning around, you continue to walk until Jaemin runs in front of you, holding his hands as if he’s going to entrap you if you try to make a run for it, “Please, let me make it up to you.”

You eye Jaemin skeptically, “Why? What would you get out of that?”

“Can you just trust me?”

Scoffing, you try to get more steps in until you’re halted by Jaemin once again, “I promise, if you spend the day with me, I won’t bother you about coffee or upside down straws again!”

You gaze at him, your eyes searching for some malicious sign. When you don’t find any, a smile creeps on to your face, “You better stick to your word Jaemin Na or else!”

The first several minutes of walking next to each other make you cringe from the awkwardness. You steal a glance at Jaemin who’s messing with the rim of his bucket hat, the accessory covering his eyes, “So, where are we going?”

He answers you plainly, “Have you been around the city?”

You rub the back of your neck, “I’ll have to admit, I haven’t been around much.”

He stuffs his scarf into his book bag, the sun too hot for the thick fabric, “No worries, I have a plan. Prepared to be amazed out of your mind.”

You let Jaemin guide you to the plaza of the Louvre, the glass pyramid reflecting the sunlight into a million rainbows. People stand in front of the water structure that it sits on, the water is like a pristine mirror that catches even the most subtle details. You had seen the Louvre in travel books and magazines but never in person, “Are we going to the Louvre?!”

“Nope, that can be for another day. I have something even better.”

Jaemin walks over to a man who stands by a red cart, they converse in basic french before the man hands Jaemin two wristbands. He puts his on, motioning for you to do the same. A big red tourist bus pulls over by the front of the Louvre, “All aboard the passengers! tous à bord du bus!”

Without a second thought, Jaemin takes you by the hand before hosting you onto the bus as you both dash up to the second story of the double-decker. You take a seat at the very front, Jaemin’s shoulder touching yours. You try to wave away the tingle you feel when he brushes against you, his cologne smells of fresh pine needles and mint. A skinny teenager dressed in a striped shirt wears a beret at the top of his head smiles at you, extending a fake rose to you. Hesitantly, you take it while smiling back at him. 

“Bienvenue à bord! My name is Pierre and I will be your guide to your journey across the city of love, city of the la romance! Let’s begin!”

Within a few hours, you had already seen so much. You felt like you were on cloud 9 when you stood up on your seat as you passed under the Arc de Triomphe, Jaemin resting his hands on your waist to keep you stable. You don’t resist him. He watches you with adoring eyes, “Look like someone’s having too much fun!”

You look down at him, “How can you not?!”

The bus speeds over the Pont Neuf, the oldest bridge in Paris that crosses over the Seine, Jaemin pointing out the ducks that float on the banks of it. You laugh as Jaemin takes your rose, putting it in between his lips in order to make you giggle in which you do because he grimaces as a thorn pokes his lip. You swerve with the bus as the driver maneuvers it through Place de la Concorde, the spot where the French Revolution took place. When Pierre told you fun facts about Marie Antoinette, Jaemin would scream at the top of his lungs, his voice getting lost in a blast of wind, “Let them eat cake!!”

When the bus halts at the final stop, you descend down the stairs and off the vehicle- the cool weather sending a chill down your spine. You and Jaemin walk over to the Notre Dame and the Saint Chappele to keep shelter from the blustering winds, the stained glass windows making your faces glow with shades of blues and greens. You sit on a bench, Jaemin’s body pretty much pressed to your body as you both hold a candle between your fingers within the quiet church. Jaemin turns to you, whispering, “So what do you think of Paris?”

You chuckle at him, “Paris is the city of love right? I think I’m in love with Paris, when do we get married?”

Jaemin stiffens his frame, “We as in you and Paris or as in you and I?”

You hit his arm, “No silly! Paris! I don’t want to get married right now!”

Shaking his head, Jaemin laughs at you, tufts of pink sticking out of his bucket slightly. The hat covers less of his face now, at least you can see his eyes. 

“What do you say, we get something to eat?”

“You’re right, I’m famished. All that exploring has made me ravenous.”

Jaemin wins at you, “I know just the thing.”

It’s about evening now, the sun starts to set with a shade of champagne and violet- the trees glinting a shade of vermillion green when you pass the numerous cafes and boutiques on the street. You both find yourself in a field under the Eiffel Tower, the structure staring down at you with regality. You feel as if the air in your lungs has been sucked out, blue lights blink along the lattice pattern of the tower- creating a luminescent effect on your vision. Jaemin nudges you with his elbow, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

You don’t even realize he had been gone since you couldn’t stop staring at the beautiful sight in front of you, your head fuzzy from how the gold and blue cut the painted sky. When Jaemin comes back, he sets down a blanket away from the other people- most of them couples- you avert your eyes from them. In his right hand, he holds a basket full of unknown goodies waiting to be eaten. You and Jaemin sit on the blanket before Jaemin reaches into the basket to pull out a multitude of things. He hands you a long baguette of bread before spreading out various shiny fruits, cheeses, and a bottle of blush cider. 

“Did you really prepare this all right now?”

Jaemin smiles at you, his eyes softened, “I have my ways.”

For the next hour or so, you feel as if you don’t need any alcohol to feel drunk. You and Jaemin watch the dusk fade into a black sky, stars glimmering over the golden glow that surrounds you. You both nibble on pieces of havarti cheese or opt for a slice of bread as you talk to each other in hushed whispers. You had never done this with anyone before, it felt so easy, so light. You learn about Jaemin’s life as the son of the consuls and how exhausted he is to be expected of perfection every second of his life, how he’s had his freedom stripped from him since he was born. In turn, he listens to you when you talk about your life back home, how your parents almost cut off ties with you- thinking you were foolish to want to randomly move to Paris by yourself. You never regretted your decision after all. You say, “If I hadn’t moved here, I wouldn’t have met you.”

Jaemin laughs, downing his glass of rose blush cider, “This is the first day that I have felt like myself in front of anyone- just me, not perfect Jaemin Na in front of the cameras.”

You nod at him, scarily aware of how close your fingers are to Jaemin’s on the plaid blanket, “Do you have a favorite part about Paris?”

He turns to you, his cheeks and bridges of his nose illuminated by soft golden light, “After living here all my life, I hate to admit that it’s gotten a bit boring. Now, I think that’s changed.”

You quirk an eyebrow up at him, moving your hand away as heat travels up to your cheeks, “And what has changed?”

You see Jaemin laugh to himself, “You’re unlike any girl I’ve ever met. You don’t fall at my feet like the other elitists in my family- you’re not afraid to call me out and criticize me. I like that.”

You nervously laugh, “Thank you? I’m not sure what to say.”

Jaemin’s expression turns serious, his lips looking more prominent when he turns his face to you, “Then you don't have to say anything.”

Before you can register, Jaemin leans into you as his nose bumps against yours in a soft kiss. You pull away, boring your eyes into his before he scans your eyes for some sign of refusal. When he can’t find any, he molds his hand to your cheek, folding his lips over your bottom lip. Jaemin speeds up the pace by pressing into you further, a sound escaping your throat. You blush at the noise, Jaemin leaning his forehead into yours before sweeping a hair behind your ear, “Wow.”

Your bodies feel like they sing with electricity, Jaemin’s fingers hot on your skin as he pulls you into the space of his chest. Your ear is pressed to his heartbeat, “Do you hear that y/n?”

You shut your eyes at the quiet rhythm, “I hear it.”

You take it open yourself to edge your fingers on the rim of Jaemin’s hat, slowly taking it off him to reveal the pink shade of his locks- the soft tufts messy from the day. He watches you take off his sunglasses too, placing a hand on his neck while pulling him in for a fiery kiss. His eyelashes extend from his eyelids, framing his dark irises that reflect the Eiffel like swirling stars. He whispers to you, “Are you ready to get out of here?”

You nod at him, standing to help him fold off the blanket and carry the basket. The whole way back, you and Jaemin dance along the walkway of the Seine- to the beat of your hearts, to the beat of the acoustic guitar that echoes from a late-night cafe. Ending right back at your apartment, you don’t want Jaemin to leave just yet. He holds your hands like you’re a fragile porcelain, the warmth of him gentle and soothing. He leans his head against yours, pressing a kiss to the spot in between your eyebrows, “Can I ask you something?”

“What is it Jaemin?”

“This is only if you want to, don’t feel pressured. My parents are holding a masquerade ball at the palace tomorrow night. Do you want to be my date?”

You stare at him, a hand resting on his shoulder, “Oh, Jaemin, I’d love to go with you, there’s just one problem. I didn’t pack a ball gown when I moved.”

Jaemin’s expression is shocked as if he never expected you to say yes, “Really, you’ll come?”

“I’d be happy to.”

“Don’t worry about the dress, I’ll take care of it.”

For a final time, Jaemin presses a firm kiss to your lips, “I’ll see you tomorrow night y/n.”

“Goodnight, Jaemin. Today was perfect.”

“I’m glad. Now, go in first. I won’t leave until you do.”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own?”

“Positive, goodnight y/n.”

In the morning, you wake up the sound of your doorbell ringing. Sleepily, you saunter over to your door, finding a neatly wrapped package on your welcome mat. Unfurling the paper, you hold the delicate satin of a scarlet red dress between your fingers, the softness making you sigh. It’s got billowing belle sleeves that are cuffed with pearls at the wrists, the train of it falls on your hardwood floors. You find a note at the bottom of it, “For the most precious girl, who’s beautiful even without this dress. -Jaemin”

You lay the dress agross your bed, the scarlet organza blending into a shade of fuschia as white sparkles cover the bodice. In awe, you can’t take your eyes off the dress- one thing was for sure, Jaemin had impeccable taste. You had gone to work with a pep in your step- you debriefed Claudette of all the details of seeing the city with Jaemin and how his eyes held every form of adoration. Neither of you had fallen so hard so fast before. You were tingling at the thought of it. Thankfully, Claudette let you off early so you could get ready for the ball, your head filled with the thought of dancing with Jaemin in a fancy ballroom. 

Nighttime approached quickly, a jet black limousine had pulled up to the front of your apartment- Jaemin’s voice crackled through your phone speaker when you answered.

“I’m here y/n!”

“Be right down!”

You descended the stairs, your train dragging slightly despite holding it off the ground the best you could. When you came outside, Jaemin’s eyes met yours, his mouth agape from seeing the sight of you, “How is it so possible that someone can be so beautiful?”

Laughing at him, you hug his waist, “You need to stop with all these cheesy compliments, that’s what a boyfriend would say.”

Jaemin smiles into the hollow of your ear, pressing his lips at the shell, “I can make that happen.”

Suddenly, Jaemin pulls out a clear box. It holds a gold band, a white rose attached onto it. You let Jaemin slip it on your wrist before letting him whisk you away into the car. The whole car ride was full of hushed whispers, lips sealing stolen kisses, and bodies pressed together. Out of your time living in Paris, you have never experienced anything like what you felt with Jaemin.

 Upon arriving at the Palace of Versailles, it was definitely a castle straight out of a fairytale. Fountains line the garden courtyards as different colored lights shine on the cars that line up in front of the palace, guests piling out of them. A velveteen red carpet was rolled out down the stairs of the entryway, giving off a glamorous effect. Extending his hand, Jaemin held out his arm for you to grab- both of you entering the palace. Over the top couldn’t hold a candle to the real description of how the atmosphere looked. Caterers dished out trays of hand towels and small crackers topped with caviar, desserts dusted with glitter in the shape of the Eiffel Tower. You whisper to Jaemin, “Is your life always like this?”

He chuckles, “Mostly. It gets boring all the time though.”

In the center of the main ballroom is a live band, musicians playing their cellos and their violins in sync with the music as guests dance in a flurry around the floor. You felt your heart sink. You were never taught to properly dance because there wasn’t a reason to learn back home. Jaemin feels you stiffen, “Y/n? Are you okay?”

Nodding slowly, you say, “I don’t know how to dance-”

“Relax, just follow my lead.”

Without a moment to breathe, Jaemin already placed his hand on your waist before guiding you hands to his shoulders. Like walking on air, you glide with Jaemin despite tripping over your feet for the first half of the song- you rest your chin on his shoulder, swaying. You two don’t say anything for a bit, Jaemin’s grip on your body feels secure.You’re interrupted when an older woman who resembles Jaemin taps him on the shoulder, “Honey?”

You feel Jaemin’s arms fall from you, hugging the woman you presume to be his: “Mother?”

“Honey, who’s this?”

Jaemin pulls you to his side, “This is y/n. I’ve been showing her around Paris.”

The woman smiles at you, her hand tucking back a strand that’s fallen from her black braid, “Please to meet you, has my son been treating you well?”

You take her hand firmly, nodding, “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Na. Jaemin’s been wonderful to me, he’s been showing me around and telling me good things about-”

“Yes, that sounds great. Jaemin, I need you to come with me- there’s someone your father wants you to meet.”

“Can’t it wait until next week mother?”

Her eyes sharpen coldly, the warmth slipping out of her smile, “Do not disobey your father, come now.”

You hear Jaemin groan before he turns to you as he’s being dragged away, “I’ll be back. Do not move. I mean it- don’t.”

You nod at him confusedly, “Don’t worry, I’ll be here.”

You opt to take a seat by the tables where guests pile their plates up with various foods, your eyes watching Jaemin’s mother introduce him to a girl that’s a lot shorter than him, her eyelashes batting at Jaemin. They shake hands as Jaemin’s father and the girl’s father laugh, cheering their flutes of champagne as they converse. Immediately, you feel yourself rise from your seat when the girl launches herself into Jaemin’s arms, his face is riddled with surprise. She smiles up at him, whispering something inaudible as Jaemin’s mother teases them to kiss- Jaemin sternly staring at his mother. Getting up from your chair, you turn back into the nearest hallway, your black slumped against the wall. How could you have been so naive? Did you honestly think that Jaemin could sweep you off your feet like some cheesy romcom and then you’d fall in love with Paris’s it boy? It seemed inconceivable. Around the corner, you hear Jaemin’s voice- you start to run towards where you hear him- only to be met with the sight of the same girl pressing Jaemin up against the wall. Her voice sounds like a slither, “Little birdies are telling me you’ve been running around with some peasant girl that works at some dusty cafe. Didn’t you say you loved me?”

You continue to listen in on them. Jaemin holds her at an arms distance, “That was when I was 4 and didn’t know what the word meant. I don’t see you that way. Aleah, I don’t like you that way.”

She laughs into Jaemin’s shoulders, “Your mother has always adored my family- we’re destined from the start. Don’t turn me away, Jaemin.”

Jaemin shakes his head, “Y/n, isn’t some peasant girl. Just because she’s not like you and your family doesn’t make her a peasant.”

Aleah combs her fingers through Jaemin’s hair, “Sweet little Jaemin, that girl could never give you what I could. She’ll only bring you down. Face it, we’re to be betrothed soon- in the palace, side by side.”

When you don’t hear Jaemin protest or even say a word of refusal, you take off running. You don’t care that the ends of your dress are frayed now, your heels causing blisters on your feet. What felt like a dream has now transformed into a nightmare. You burst through the doorway of the palace, guests shooting you dirty glances when you tell the limousine driver to take you home. As the car dashes out of the courtyard, you hear Jaemin call your name on the steps while tears fall from your eyes. Paris has never looked so melancholy. When you arrive at the doorstep of your apartment, you glare up at the moon- the same moon that Jaemin had kissed you multiple times under. You sit on your stairway, crying into the lap of your dress as your hands fist the layers of fabric tightly. With a screech on the pavement, Jaemin flings himself out of another car- slamming the door behind him. You look at him, shaking your head, “I don’t want to see you. I don’t want-”

He doesn’t listen to your words when he wraps his strong arms around your sunken frame, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

You collapse into the crook of his chest, your tears staining his dress shirt. Jaemin tilts your chin to him, “I’m not going to marry Aleah, I hope you know that.”

“What about your mother? She said-”

“I don’t care what she or my father says. I can’t marry someone I don’t like- I don’t love. Not for money, not for status. I won’t.”

“Jaemin, you can’t. You can’t sever from your family because of me-”

He raises his eyebrows, “Who says I’m doing it for you? I’m doing it for myself. I know what my heart says, I know that it chooses you. I’m not doing it for you.”

He takes your hand in his, pressing a kiss to your knuckle, “I’m going to do it for us.”

When you try to say something else, Jaemin shut you up with a passionate kiss before eyeing you closely, “Let’s go rest for tonight.”

Letting  it go, you nod at him. Jaemin picks you up, your dress covering his body as he unlocks your door for you before setting you on the comforter of your bed- your room lights are off, the scent of Paris air drifting in from your open window. The darkness invokes the calmness, you start to kick off the heels that are strapped to your feet. Jaemin sits on your bed next to you, “I’ve never seen your room before.”

His dark eyes scan the wilting peonies that sit on your desk and the ivory walls that surround you both. “Your room suits you.”

You let yourself collapse onto the bed, your head hitting the cool fabric of your blanket, “It took me a while to settle into it.” 

Beside you, Jaemin lays down to watch you, his elbow propped up, “I should probably go soon.”

“Do you want to stay?”

“Can I?”

You chuckle, “That depends if you want to. Your mom’s probably wondering why you’re with a peasant girl.”

Jaemin clears his throat, “Did you overhear Aleah?”

You don’t answer. Instead, you want to spit out a string of insults about the rich, how they judge people based on money. For Jaemin’s sake, you don't. He parts his lips, “You know that’s not how I see you right?”

Nodding, you whisper, “If you did, I don’t think you’d be next to me right now.”

Immediately, you feel Jaemin hover over you, “I don’t want anyone else but you.”

Your bodies burn like flames as you kiss each other hotly, Jaemin’s tongue gliding over yours. You grip his hair, slightly tugging on it so that he lets out a sound- your legs entangled with each other on the bed. Panting, Jaemin tosses his black suit jacket to the ground- you practically yank of his tie. Jaemin drags his lips down to the juncture of your neck, causing him to smirk when you gasp. You bore your eyes into his, “I need you to help me.”

Jaemin seems to understand when he reaches behind your neck to pull the zipper of your dress now, your chest exposed in front of him. In the dark, his eyes glimmer with adoration- his lips connecting with your own. Using your hands, you take his dress shirt off him to reveal his muscular body, his skin glowing under the soft moonlight. You smell the heaviness of Jaemin’s strong cologne, the scent makes you dizzy. By the end of it, your dress lays on the ground by your vanity and Jaemin’s clothes by your wardrobe as you press your cheek to his bare chest, watching him sleep peacefully. Jaemin has his arm on the small of your back, stroking your skin even in his slumber. You take note of how his pink locks are mussed and his eyelashes have a subtle curl from how long they are. Jaemin flicks one eye open, “Y/n? How come you’re not asleep yet?”

You snuggle deeper into him, “It’s because you’re next to me.”

“You’re right- I’m just that good- hey!”

You slap Jaemin’s chest, a blush creeping onto your cheeks, “That’s not why stupid!”

“Then what’s the reason?”

Without any hesitation, you tell him, “I like you and I want to be with you.”

“You’re a tad late y/n. I knew that already.”

“How? I’ve never told you that.”

“I can just feel it. You and I- we have this connection that I’ve never felt with anyone else. The only reason I come to that bakery isn’t only for the espressos. I want to protect you from harm’s way- even if that includes my own family. I just want to be there for you like no other guy can.”

Smiling to yourself, you reach up to pat Jaemin on the head only to have Jaemin’s hand catch yours, you whisper to him, “It’s only been a little while since we met?”

He sinks to your level, meeting your gaze before pressing a kiss to your eyelid, “That’s the beauty of liking someone. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. I just knew when I saw you.”

Giving Jaemin’s hand a firm squeeze, you press the curl of your lips to his knuckles. It makes him chuckle, his smile upturning on his cheeks. Once again, you shift closer to him. You both succumb to sleep, the low occasional honking of beetle cars and soft music from your neighbor’s window as your own Parisian lullaby- Jaemin wrapped in your embrace. 

[aliciameade]

A Thousand Cuts

Title: A Thousand Cuts Author: aliciameade Rating: M for alcoholism and angst Pairing: Beca/Chloe Summary: Beca doesn't realize she needs to get her shit together until it's too late, or, my take on a prompt I was sent to write something based on Taylor Swift’s “Death by a Thousand Cuts.”

Also on AO3

My heart, my hips, my body, my love / Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug / Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club

Our songs, our films, united, we stand / Our country, guess it was a lawless land 

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand / Paper cut stings from my paper-thin plans 

My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust / Trying to find a part of me you didn't take up 

Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough / But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

“You don’t mean that.” Beca’s voice cracks over the words; she’s moments from crying and she knows it.

Chloe’s already crying. “The hell I don’t.” Her voice is steady despite the tears. Her jaw is set, the muscles in her left cheek tensing with how hard she’s clenching it.

“Where am I supposed to go?” That’s when the first tear finally hits Beca’s cheek. They don’t stop after that and she doesn’t bother trying to wipe them away. “I don’t know anyone else here!”

“That’s not my problem.” Chloe walks away so abruptly, steps so heavy it makes Beca jump. She’s digging through the trunk that sits at the foot of their bed and pulls out Beca’s duffel bag to toss it onto the bed. “Pack. And get the rest of your shit out before the end of the month whenever I’m not here or I’m throwing it all away.”

Beca’s sure this must be what it feels like for the earth to swallow one whole. Her world’s been ripped out from beneath her feet.

The thing is, it’s her fault. She can’t argue that it’s not. She could have tried harder, not allowed herself to grow complacent. Chloe was someone who loves with her entire being, every inch of her soul. And Beca adores her. Loves her. But she has struggled to keep up with just how much Chloe needs from her in return for all the love she gives Beca. Truth be told, it’s scared the shit out of Beca since the day they exchanged their first ‘I love yous.’ She had even prefaced her confession by saying she will probably mess it all up.

Fucking self-fulfilling prophecies.

“I’m going for a walk,” Chloe says as she pushes past Beca more physically than necessary. “Don’t be here when I get back.”

When the door slams behind her, Beca fights the urge to crumple onto their bed and weep. They’d just made love on it this morning and she thinks if she touches it, it may burn her flesh.

Instead, she grabs the bag Chloe threw onto it and starts stuffing clothes and toiletries into it. Her head pounds and her chest aches with the need to sob but she won’t give this tiny apartment, their first home together as a couple. She fills the bag until she can’t zip it and throws her laptop into its case to swing them both over her shoulder.

On her way out the door, she rips a photo of the two of them in front of their Christmas tree last year off the fridge—not to destroy it, but to stuff it into her bag.

She wonders if Chloe will even notice it’s gone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Beca takes the train into Manhattan. Brooklyn feels too small, too familiar. She wants the city to swallow her since the earth only pretended to. She doesn’t have a single New York-based contact in her phone except for the ramen house Chloe and she love and the main number for her office. She doesn’t particularly like her job and has made no effort to get to know anyone there. 

In the future, she’ll realize this could be a theme in her life.

She ends up at a hotel by Union Square. She can’t afford it. It’s nearly $200 for the night and it goes on an already precariously charged-up credit card. She’ll move to a hostel tomorrow; tonight, she needs privacy and space and the freedom to have the breakdown she’s been staving off for the two hours it’s been since Chloe told her it was over and threw her out of their home.

Once she gets to her room, she drops her bags on the floor and immediately throws up.

It’s the longest night of Beca’s life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She doesn’t get the rest of her belongings back. She’s living in a hostel in a room she shares with five other people, at least one of which is new every night. She has to wait her turn to use the bathroom and to shower and most of the time, there’s no hot water.

The good thing, she supposes as she tries day after day to find a single good thing in her life, is that at $35 per day, she can actually afford her room and board and even feed herself twice a day and keep her phone bill paid.

Thank God for ubiquitous free WiFi.

But that one good thing, just keeping herself in room and board, doesn’t do anything to outweigh all the bad.

She hasn’t spoken to or heard from Chloe in two months. There was no final warning about coming to get her belongings or they’d be trashed. Chloe hasn’t checked in with her a single time.

Not that Beca’s reached out to Chloe either.

She’d thought escaping Brooklyn would help protect herself. Far from away all their usual haunts, she would be safer from the constant reminders of all the moments she and Chloe shared in the year-and-a-half they spent living together there.

Instead, she’s faced with bigger reminders in Manhattan. So many date nights spent there at restaurants and concert venues and theatres and sunset strolls through parks.

“Oh, my gosh, baby, this is so romantic, we have to take a selfie,” Chloe said as she grabbed Beca’s hands to spin them in a circle that almost had Beca tripping over her own feet. “Wait, no! Excuse me, sir?” Chloe asked a passerby. “Would you take our picture, please?”

“Sure,” he said as Chloe handed him her phone. “Tell me when.”

“Just take a bunch,” Chloe answered before Beca had even had a chance to weakly and pointlessly protest the impromptu photoshoot.

Then they were kissing on Gapstow Bridge with Central Park and the New York skyline behind them and Beca forgot why she would ever want to protest such a thing.

She can’t even walk through Times Square without her eyes pricking with tears at the memory of Chloe dragging Beca up the red stairs in the middle of a snowstorm to take a selfie at the top while they kissed wearing beanies and scarves and gloves.

The photo came out looking like they were in a snow globe and felt as magical as it looked. It’s saved in her favorites on her phone, but she refuses to let herself look through that album.

Even when she’s alone at night in a strange place that is her home but feels nothing like it, Chloe is everywhere. She can feel her phantom arms around her waist to pull Beca back against her to settle into sleep. In the shower, her hands travel over her body and she remembers all the times and all the ways Chloe has touched her here, and here, and here.

Alcohol doesn’t help, though Beca gives it her best shot.

It leads to her waking up in the beds of people whose names she only sometimes remembers.

A man she goes home with makes her leave when she won’t stop crying when he tries to touch her.

A woman she goes home with spends the night holding her. They even have sex, finally, in the early hours of the morning. But all Beca can think about is how it’s not right. How she isn’t Chloe and she doesn’t know how to touch Beca as Chloe does. It does nothing to help Beca forget or move on. In fact, it only makes her miss Chloe more.

She stops trying to escape into other people and goes back to drinking alone. It’s cheaper that way, too, which is a nice bonus. One bottle of whiskey runs her $40 which gives her far more drinks for her dollar compared to going to bars.

Eventually, she finds someone in need of a roommate through a coworker and she has a room to herself in Washington Heights. Her roommate is nice, a few years older than Beca, and works for the city’s child services department. She’s a good listener on the rare occasions Beca confides in her when her emotions become too much to take alone.

It turns into a relationship of convenience. They both acknowledge that’s what it is and that they’re setting themselves up for disaster if (when) it ends because someone (Beca) is going to have to move out when things become too messy.

But until that happens, it’s nice to feel at least somewhat normal again. She doesn’t feel like she’s ready to fall apart if someone looks at her the wrong way on the street.

She still thinks about Chloe at least once every minute when she’s conscious.

And usually, even when she’s not.

She knows she’s fixating. It’s too hard to not spend as much energy as she can berating herself for messing up and losing Chloe. It’s delicious torture to hate herself so much and replay the details of every moment of their relationship and pick out every time she fucked up and think about how she could have done it differently, how she would do it differently if she had the chance.

What’s most irritating of all is that there is no one singular cataclysmic event she can blame. It was her series of micro-aggressions, so seemingly small (to Beca), that piled up until replying to Chloe’s multi-scroll-long text message telling Beca that she needed more from her with “k” got her thrown out on the street.

And she knew—knows—she deserved it.

She wishes she could go back in time and slap herself and tell her to get her shit together before she loses the best thing to ever happen to her.

But she can’t. She keeps drinking and it’s never enough to forget Chloe.

Eventually, her behavior lands her out on her ass again, but this time, she expects it. What girl wants her not-girlfriend crying about her ex every time they have sex? At least there’s a discussion first and she’s allowed a couple of weeks to find a new place to live.

A year has passed since she fucked up her relationship with Chloe but, somehow, she’s managed to get her professional life into something resembling moderate success. She’s surprised when she downloads bank statements at the balance in her account to have when she goes apartment hunting. She’s done nothing but pay rent to her now-ex-roommate and buy what few things she’s needed to get by (mostly alcohol). She thinks she remembers an email from HR about a bonus or royalty payout around Christmas…?

It affords her the ability to get her own apartment, a one-bedroom in Harlem.

It also affords her the freedom to indulge in all her vices without someone passing judgment. She can drink herself to blackout. She can have anonymous sex. She can cry until she’s sick or lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling all night in a drug-and-alcohol-induced stupor. None of it really matters, anyway.

She fits right in with the people she’s finding herself forced to be around more often. She gets wasted with colleagues and A-listers under the guise of networking. She impresses men with her ability to out-drink them despite her stature. And if one of them offers cocaine? She can be the last one standing in the early hours of the morning.

She prides herself on her endurance, though not more than she prides herself on the fact that no matter how hammered she gets, not once has she drunk-dialed Chloe to beg forgiveness.

She hasn’t dialed her at all, for that matter.

She’s never apologized.

She wants to point out that showing up at her former apartment building when it’s dark and the streets are empty repeatedly pressing the buzzer for what used to be her apartment is not drunk-dialing nor drunk-texting.

“Hello?” Chloe’s voice crackles through the shitty speaker and Beca slumps against the wall next to the metal intercom at the sound of it. “Is anyone there? I swear if you kids are pulling this shit again, I’m calling the cops.”

Beca laughs to herself, memories of a group of teenagers that roams the neighborhood raising havoc of the relatively painless variety. Things like Ding Dong Ditch and hiding delivered packages from their recipients. It always infuriated Chloe and made Beca laugh and tell her to calm down, they’re just kids and they could be getting into much worse kinds of trouble.

She considers continuing to ring the buzzer just to keep Chloe on the line; it’s been so long since she’s heard her voice. Maybe she could just sleep on the building’s stoop?

She’s still thinking about it when she hears the familiar squeak of the door opening.

“Beca?”

She wonders if maybe she finally passed out to slip into dreamland because Chloe’s standing in front of her in plaid sleep shorts and Beca’s favorite vintage David Bowie tee.

“Hey, babe,” she slurs.

“What are you doing here?” Chloe takes half a step out of the door and starts to reach for her but stops short. “Are you drunk?”

“What if I am?” she says as she pushes herself away from the wall to stand upright again, though everything feels like it’s tilting. She points. “That’s my shirt.”

Chloe crosses her arms over her chest as if that will hide it. “I asked what you’re doing here.”

Beca has to think hard. She doesn’t remember how she got to Brooklyn. She doesn’t know what time it is. “I’m tired,” she answers. “I came home.”

“You don’t live here anymore.”

“I didn’t say I live here. I said I came home.” She tries to walk forward but trips and finds herself caught by Chloe before she hurts herself. “Cat-like reflexes,” she says with a chuckle before catching the scent of the laundry detergent and lotion Chloe always uses and the tears come out of nowhere.

She’s vaguely aware that Chloe’s helping her walk and it’s up the stairs and into the apartment they once shared, not out to the curb.

The last thought that passes through her mind as Chloe helps her into what was always Beca’s side of the bed is that even through her blurry vision she can see a picture on the refrigerator. A copy of the same photo she’d taken with her the day Chloe had thrown her out, placed in the exact place the original had been for so long.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She wakes to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Her head throbs but not too painfully; she rarely gets hungover these days. She knows where she is. She knows the feel of the bed, the softness of the sheets, the scent of breakfast and the sound of the quiet tings and thuds of cabinets opening and closing, of plates, mugs, spoons, and knives.

She doesn’t want to open her eyes. Maybe if she pretends to be asleep she could stay there all day without having to be embarrassed by her actions. She can just hold onto this unexpected return to a past life for a few more minutes before it’s ripped away from her again.

She starts when the sound of a mug being placed on the nightstand near her head comes unexpectedly.

“Morning,” Chloe’s quiet, husky morning voice whispers as she sits on the edge of the bed next to Beca.

Beca grimaces and pulls the covers up over her head. “No.”

“I have to go to work.” Beca didn’t even think about the fact that it was a weekday. Her own schedule doesn’t conform to the typical Monday-through-Friday model. “But I’m going to call out sick for the afternoon and come back at lunch.”

Beca slips the covers down until they’re under her chin. She knows she looks like shit but Chloe looks more beautiful than she remembers her.

“You can stay here until then. Help yourself to breakfast. We’ll talk when I get home, okay?”

Beca just nods, afraid that anything more than that will wake her from whatever dream she’s having. She feels Chloe’s hand on her leg, a brief touch before she’s leaving too soon.

Beca watches her gather her things and leave the apartment, locking it with her keys.

She knows she should go back to sleep. Sleep off the last bits of the drunkenness she can still feel swimming in her. But she’s been thrown back into her old life, her old home, and like so many mornings, Chloe’s just gone to work after making coffee for Beca.

Slowly, she sits up to take in her surroundings. The small studio looks much like she’s remembered it. There’s a lot more of Chloe in it now, though. More photos of her and friends Beca’s never met. The band posters Beca had insisted on putting up have been replaced with generic canvas prints from Target that feature the Eiffel Tower and a recreation of a poster for la tournée du Chat Noir avec Rodolphe Salis. It makes her smile; Chloe’s always had an obsession with Paris and it had only gotten worse after they went to Denmark—but not France—in college.

Driven by her roiling stomach she forces herself out of bed. When she stands, she has to do a double-take looking down at herself. She’s not wearing the clothes she’d left her apartment in yesterday. She’s not even wearing pants. Her legs are bare and she plucks at the shirt she’s wearing to see it’s one of her old concert tees.

A memory flashes of last night, of Chloe in the doorway wearing Beca’s shirt.

It makes her feel lightheaded and she reaches for the coffee Chloe’s left bedside before crossing the room to the kitchen. Everything’s still in the same place and it’s mindless yet spine-tingling to go through the motions of finding something to eat in that room just as she’s done countless times in the past.

She plops down at the small table that she once imagined proposing to Chloe over on a Sunday morning over a cozy winter brunch they prepared together and is about to dig into her bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch that Chloe miraculously has on-hand despite claiming to hate it when she freezes, spoon halfway to her mouth.

On the clothing rack in the middle of the room, the one they had to fight over for valuable space, hang all of Beca’s clothes she’d left behind when she was forced to flee.

Her chair screeches as she pushes it back to rush over and quickly flip through the blouses, pants, and dresses she hasn’t seen in more than a year. She tugs open the third and then fourth drawers of the dresser they shared to find them both still stuffed full of underwear, bras, socks, tank tops, shorts, and Beca’s beanies and gloves she’d really missed that winter. She drops to her knees and reaches under the bed to find the sharp plastic edge of a storage bin and pulls it out. All her shoes, still in their place.

If not for the changes in decor, she would believe she never left. Nothing has changed since her last morning with Chloe.

It’s overwhelming. Chloe had threatened to throw everything away if Beca never picked it up. Beca never did, but Chloe didn’t follow through.

Her head swims and her eyes prick with tears. She thinks she might be sick from the rush of emotions and adrenaline; Chloe hadn’t tossed their life in the trash even though she’d tossed Beca to the curb.

She isn’t sick, though. Instead, she strips off her shirt and crawls into the bathtub and turns on the shower to sit under the spray and cry.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Beca’s heart races when she hears Chloe’s keys in the hallway seconds before they rattle in the lock. She watches the door open slowly, Chloe peeking in carefully until they find Beca sitting at the table.

“You’re awake,” she says as she enters with less care now that Beca’s not asleep. “Did you find something to eat? I brought lunch just in case.”

Beca’s eyes drop to the bag in Chloe’s hand; there are familiar round plastic take-out containers stacked in it and Beca doesn’t have to ask to know it’s from the ramen place they frequented. “I did, yeah.”

Chloe sets the bag on the table and Beca watches her take off and hang up her coat. When she turns back around, she pauses. “Oh.”

Beca wonders what she’s looking at until she realizes it’s Beca’s clothes. “You didn’t throw my stuff away.”

Chloe takes a break as though she’s about to speak but instead she sighs and says nothing in reply as she sits down in her chair to Beca’s left and starts unpacking the lunch she’s brought.

Beca catches her hand when it’s busy setting up soup and sides and Chloe’s entire body seems to flinch, but she doesn’t pull her hand away. “You didn’t throw me away, did you.”

Tears are welling in Chloe’s eyes when they meet Beca’s but she still doesn’t speak.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Beca rushes when she realizes she’s the one who has to do the talking. “But I do. Will you hear me out? Give me ten minutes. Five.”

“Okay,” Chloe says quietly as she pulls her hand back to resume passing out utensils.

Beca waits until she’s finished, until Chloe’s no longer distracting herself with busywork and her eyes land on Beca nervously so she can finally say, “I’m sorry, Chloe.”

The End

[prorevenge]

Psycho Ex gets my egoless revenge with a side of heavy-duty karma.

The following story occurred over the course of 13-8 years ago, and I apologize preemptively for the length, because it is a bit involved.

I was in a relationship for 9 years with a girl I met in college. We broke up on the cusp of my 29th birthday. While breakups and divorce are never trauma-free, this one was as close to that as I believe is humanly possible to get, there were no fights and minimal drama, and I moved to a new city to get a fresh start and be nearer my dad/stepmom/half sisters, as I'm close to them and it was nice to have family during this. Get an apartment, start over, everything's good. Then I meet "her."

Things with her seemed good at first. She was the polar opposite of my ex. She's quiet yet nice, had her life relatively together (my first wife was very unfocused and horrible with money), physically a complete contrast, wild in the bedroom--I thought I had hit the jackpot.

Anyhoo, I fall for her hard. We have a whirlwind romance, move in shortly, and we have this glamorous life where we make good money (she was a corporate accountant, I had a decent small business, we're pulling in 150K+ combined), renting a luxury apartment, one car paid and the other brand new, no kids. Things are great, except that we drink too much together and some other underlying issues I'm blind to at the time. We get soused one night and drive to Vegas, and get married on the strip after 6 months of dating and 9 of knowing each other. The ink is barely dry on my divorce papers from version 1.0, but no matter, I'm in love. My family likes her overall. Her family loves me. We adopt cats. We talk about trying to have a kid.

We upgrade our life and take on more debt, just as the housing bubble bursts and the economy tanks, she loses a couple jobs due to her inability to show up on Mondays, and I start losing clients as the ones I have start cutting their advertising budget (my field). Things start to get pinched, and she first starts complaining, then gets petulant, because now we can't spend the way we used to, the quarterly mini-vacations dry up, plus we're cooking at home instead of going out to eat 4x a week. We basically stop having sex a little more than a year into the relationship (didn't realize it then, because I was dumb and love-blind, but she cheated on me during this period).seRealizing what we're up against with our normal bills plus our credit cards, I go out and get a job bartending at a posh resort, the only other real skill I have at the time that's marketable. I get two other part time gigs to help make ends meet. She still complains, and throws me an ultimatum before I even start getting paychecks, laying the blame at my feet. I say fine, screw this then. Had we stuck it out even a few more months, things would have started to turn a financial corner. Instead, she goes full two-faced, mean-spirited bitch on me. The night we first fight, she "attempts suicide" by scratching her wrist with a leatherman, then calls 911, gets admitted to the hospital (I arrive home to cops telling me this), and has the security guard toss me when I show up to see if she's okay because she doesn't want to talk to me. I use the quotes because there was a small collection of firearms nearby I bought for her target shooting hobby which were untouched, so it was obviously just a ploy for attention.

We basically fight for the next week, I give her everything she wants, which includes leaving the house, signing over my new truck to her, and only taking stuff I brought into the relationship, basically enough to fill a small storage space. She's financially pinched so I sell my office furniture for cash and don't even touch the bank account, just take my biz money and one CC I got separate from her. I go to the Bay Area for a few months, financially struggle, don't get the job I was sure was on lock. During this time, I have this revelation one evening--I drink too much and that it's caused a load of problems in my life, so I quit, and I haven't touched a drop since.

Broke and realizing nothing I try is working, I come back to town, live with my dad for a month, find a roommate, then a shit retail job (my business has dropped from 7-8K per month at its height to now around 500/mo), I bike everywhere bc I can't afford a car, and my credit is toast partially due to her love of spending on plastic, so I'm facing bankruptcy. I'm 31, and this is really humbling, but whatever, I'm alive, have dealt with hardship before, this won't last forever. She has kept her house, declared personal BK on her debts, keeps her car, and has been dating a series of men starting a couple weeks after we split. While I never asked the details, apparently she's also reached out to a few of my friends and badmouthed me a bit. This would be mildly annoying, but add in two factors--she's dragging her feet on the divorce due to not having money to file, keeps up contact on the pretense of us needing to talk, but plays emotionally manipulative head games during the whole sequence ("I've realized I still love you, that's why you can make me cry so easily," and other bullshit Hallmark movie lines like this). Also, we live in a suburb that's smaller and tightly knit, so multiple places I go to like my church, the bookstore I frequent, and the coffee shop right by my place, she talks endless shit to people. Says I was a cheater and physically/emotionally abusive (complete crap, but whatever), I'm stalking her, I supposedly stole tens of thousands of dollars from her, the whole nine. Some people actually believe her, I even get threatened by a wannabe biker one night that's literally twice my age with violence, itself a funny story but not the point.

Finally, after some more bullshit and back and forth, she leaves town (more falsehoods around this, including her borrowing a bit of money she didn't end up paying back, and sticking me with a massive overage on our cell bill right before we split the account). My dumb, trusting heart hurts but I'm mostly relieved to see the last of her, realizing she's only nice to me when she wants something. She goes to NY to shack up with another guy, gets pregnant 15 minutes later. Finally sends me divorce paperwork. I sign it and send back quickly, all notarized docs, everything organized and flagged. She attempts to be "friends" and I want no part of this BS. I'm businesslike, she gets upset. She screws up filing, blames me. I say "whatever," straighten out the court issues. One week after the divorce is finalized, the kid is born. No word from her after that for two years, thank god. I get a new career, start advancing in it, and start dating a new woman that I'm still with 10 years later. Weirdly enough, they knew each other, and she didn't like her, partially because one of my ex's infidelity partners was her ex-husband, during a time they were exploring patching things up for the kids' sake (though there were multiple reasons for her distrust, apparently she always gave my wife an icky intuitive feeling).

So flash forward two years. I get a call from my current squeeze. She's just talked to a friend who was also a very brief roomie of "her" after our split. She's breaking up with the baby daddy. There's a custody fight. He's saying he doesn't know if it's his. Will I help her? Well, it's the right thing to do, so even though I don't trust or particularly like her, I say yes. I get the call, and a sob story. Most of it doesn't add up--he took the kid, but thinks it's actually mine, to prove paternity I'd need to come to NY and take a paternity test at one of their facilities, also he hit her, put a GPS tracker on her car, brother is a Russian mobster who threatened her, all very far-fetched. Needless to say, even without this fanciful tale, I generally assume if this woman is talking, it's a lie, so I'm suspicious. Her lawyer calls me, and seems like a clueless shmuck. I get a letter from him, very unprofessional and not even on a letterhead (every other legal doc I've seen has "from the law offices of blah blah" on it, but this is literally just off a laser printer), and says, verbatim "I, M___ K___, am the ex-husband of J___ K___, and was married to her from 6/07-8/09. I have no legal interest in the child." Super shady.

Not wanting to end up in a situation where I've allowed myself to be legally fucked over, I make my own lawyer consultation appointment. Before I can even go, the baby daddy finds me on Facebook and sends me a message. Between calls with him, his lawyer, and the impartial lawyer NY state appoints for the child's welfare, I get a very different story. He knows it's his, he had a paternity test done on the sly at birth because she had been promiscuous before they got together, and she was pregnant so quickly he was concerned. They broke up because she was drinking too much, he busted her with a bottle of vodka as she was driving with the kid in the car. She stood up in court, claimed I was actually the father, and she had no idea where to find me (he found me in 10 seconds online, I'm a tech guy with massive social media presence, a tech blog, multiple writing credits on publications, my frigging name as a domain, plus I've had the same cell phone number for 14 years). Also the other BS was just that, he's an IT guy for a university and his brother works for a carpet cleaning chain, plus just like in our relationship, he never hit or stalked her, etc.

So she, not knowing what I know, starts sending me text messages. I say "Filled out and on its way back to your lawyer," and toss it in the trash. I'm so tempted to send her some poetic message about how the truth is coming back to haunt her, but I resist, because I'm not doing this for her, but rather for the sake of their son and his father, so let's keep my ego out of it. I provide legal statements to all in the court. Tell them I know it's not possibly mine because I hadn't been with her since April 15 of '08, kid's birthday is in Sept of '09 (I remember the date because, due to taxes, I got fucked twice that day). Explain when she was in NY, which is the likely dates of conception, prove I was thousands of miles away on the west coast. Tell them to look through her social media, where she meticulously tagged herself and took tons of pictures of even their mundane locations. Provide a blood sample to a local lab. Tell them salacious details about her drinking and occasional drug use, including her abused prescriptions and a previous hospitalization where she was held for psych eval due to taking way too many pills.

Court comes, and she gets blindsided. Stack of depositions and a collection of statements from me were what sealed the deal, apparently, and the incredibly stupid game she was running is fully exposed. Gets no custody, no support, supervised visitation once a week. I run into her ex-roomie, upset, but instead of giving her attitude, I just calmly tell her the scam J__ was running, then let her "pull out of me" the truth about our split. She's flabbergasted, but also a horrible gossip, so it gets around town like wildfire. People I barely know, including the aforementioned biker, all come up to me and apologize for misjudging me. I'm years past the stage of having any morbid curiosity to check her social media, but every few months she pops up as a "suggested friend," and I notice bemusedly the number of mutual friends plummets from triple digits to eventually 3. Baby's father sends me a massive Amex gift card for Christmas, as much as I make in a week at the time. I call and tell him I don't know if I can accept it, I don't want him or anyone to think I did this for a reward. He virtually begs, saying "you helped save my family. This is nothing in comparison. Thank you." We break down crying on the phone, and eventually form an odd, distant friendship based on mutual respect for each other. I even had dinner with him a couple times when I had to go to NY for biz over the years, and I always buy, because the poor guy has done enough and gone through enough having to coparent with this train wreck.

To this day, she's apparently struggling to stay sober (alcohol and other substances), and has minimal involvement in her child's life due to her inability to show up when expected. Baby daddy tells me she's been in legal trouble, financial issues up the ass, and a string of boyfriends that never last more than a few months. I'm doing well, got married again three years ago, raised step-children, am reasonably financially successful, and rather like my life. Granted, a large part of this story is just karma in action, but I feel like I did the right thing, wasn't petty, and what I did do hit her where it hurts.

TL;DR: Ex-wife fucks my life, destroys me financially, tries to trash my reputation, then tries to use me as a scheme in her custody battle years later. I talk to the court directly, work with the baby daddy's lawyers, and get her exposed for the psycho, lying wench she is. She loses custody, struggles, and the good people live mostly happily ever after.

(source) (story by heymomo7)

[fondeyeslester]

Cold nights, warm hearts

A birthday celebration, a kiss in the snow, and some talk about the future

word count: 1123

This was witten for the @phandomreversebang. It’s based on this amazing work by the incredibly talented @deathclassic. Thank you so much to my beta @secretly-a-plant for all the work she put into this!

read on ao3 

There is a pause, an empty dessert plate sits on the table in front of them, Dan sips on the last of his cocktail. They sit there, silent. There aren't many people around them, and the gentle buzz of the restaurant’s kitchen can be heard in the distance. A candle burns on the table, but it doesn’t smell nearly as nice as the ones they have at home. When they arrived the place was packed, but it was getting late and there was barely anyone left.

Dan and Phil sit by the window, the younger looks out and his gaze gets lost in the stars. Phil has an urge to pull out his phone to take a picture of his boyfriend; maybe keep it for himself or maybe share it with the world. He doesn’t. Instead he holds his hand open on the middle of the table, a silent invitation for the other man.

“Hey,” Phil whispers. Dan looks at him and a smile spreads slowly across his face. He places his hand on the table as well, the tip of his fingers brushing against Phil’s. They stare at each other, and the intimacy they share in that moment reminds Phil of their early days. When seeing Dan’s face without the distortion of his computer screen was a privilege Phil didn’t think he deserved. He moves his hand so that he can hold Dan’s properly. The younger lets him. They are both hyper aware of their surroundings, it’s hard not to care after years of secrecy. They don’t take their eyes off each other. There is a pause, they only hold hands for a few seconds, but it goes on forever. During those seconds, Dan thinks, their love spreads to infinity.

They are still staring in to each other eyes when Phil raises his eyebrows and sticks his tongue out, Dan rolls his eyes and laughs. He returns the face, and so they sit in the middle of a restaurant quietly making funny faces at each other and trying not to burst out laughing.  Dan is in the middle of giving himself a third chin when the check is set on their table, causing his face to go red.  Phil reaches out to take the bill, but Dan is faster than him.

“Nope. This is your pre-birthday celebration. I’m paying,” Phil raises an eyebrow and laughs,

“What difference does it make?”  Dan just shrugs and takes out his credit card.

--

It’s snowing, Phil’s arms feel cold under his suit jacket and he swears the tip of his nose could easily fall off.

“I could marry that salad,” Dan says, “really one of the best meals of my entire life,”

“ You’re gonna leave me for some lettuce?,” Phil jokes

“It’d be an improvement,”

“Shut up,”

They are walking out of the restaurant, their shoulders are brushing against each other and the back of their hands are pressed together. Dan’s fingers are freezing and he has the urge to grab on to Phil’s hand to warm up, he’s not sure why he doesn’t. They’re on a weird space at the moment, right between openness and privacy. Dan looks at the man in front of him and is filled with pride for the life they have build for themselves, and yet...Things have changed a lot in the last ten years. Dan still gets a little afraid to hold his partner’s hand in public. It’s not even about the internet anymore, he doesn’t think so. It’s been almost ten years and there’s still a small part of Dan that’s terrified of the outside world, a part of him that feels vulnerable and like it could be exposed and endangered at any given moment.

They walk down the street and as they turn left to a much busier road. Dan has to fight his instinct to pull away from Phil, and he think how crazy it is that even though everything is completely different some things stay the same.

“ You’re going to be thirty two in a couple of weeks.”

“ Thanks for reminding me of my aging,” Phil laughs,

“It’s weird,” Dan’s voice goes soft and he looks down at his shoes.

“Good weird,” he continues, Phil smiles.

“I guess things are quite different now. We were babies when we met.”

“Literally children.”

There’s a constant flow of cars around them, but not many people are walking on the street, the snow is beginning to settle and Dan can tell by the look on Phil’s eyes that he’s excited about it.

“We should try to get a cab before the snow gets too bad,” Phil says as he pulls out his phone. Dan stares at him, the red of the traffic light above them hits his face in just the right way, his cheekbones pop and Dan isn’t sure if the red tint on his cheeks is caused by the light or by the cold, it’s cute either way.

“It says it’ll get here in eight minutes,” Phil states. Dan hums. They are quiet as snow falls slowly on their shoulders. Dan stares at the way the little flakes rest on his partner’s frame, how they mess with his hair. He looks at Phil, the black suit makes him look soft, yet big and elegant.  There’s something inexplicably manly about the way he looks that makes Dan want to throw himself at him, right there in the middle of the street. He wants to kiss him, and touch him forever. Phil is right there. Why doesn’t he do it?

“We should get married,” he blurts out,

“We will get married.” Phil doesn’t even look up from his phone to answer,

“ I mean soon. Like, now.” this gets Phil’s attention.

“ Is this a proposal?” the amusement in his voice is obvious.

“If you wanted it to be.”

“You fucking sap,” Phil takes a little step, their chest are barely touching and Dan can definitely feel the heat Phil’s face radiates in the cold weather.

“So... you’ll marry me, then?”

“Yeah sure, why not,”  he says, and when he smiles his tongue pokes out of his mouth in that way Dan finds annoyingly endearing,

“Okay,” Dan can’t hold it anymore, he dives in.

They’re kissing in the middle of a busy London street, and Dan’s lips are chapped and Phil’s nose is stupidly cold, and it’s sweet and meaningful and also normal in the most calming and amazing way. Dan faintly recognizes the sound of a car pulling up in front of them, and on the back of his mind he thinks that it must be their taxi, but he can’t bring himself to care. And so he kisses Phil for a few more seconds. Things have definitely changed.

[sabrinavictoria82]

Stop with the incessant scrolling already.

Are you even paying attention to your life? I certainly wish I had paid more attention to mine. Maybe if I share a tad bit about my life you would find we have a few things in common and you would start to focus differently on your life. Everyone likes a good dramatic story. Yes? 

If I were going to be completely honest I would say my life has been anything but easy. It’s actually been quite difficult. And to some, they may say, a total shit show. But to that point, there really is no one to blame but myself. Every issue, struggle and problem that came my way had one common denominator, ME. 

Looking back I realize the roll I played in the destruction of my life and where it has led me up to this point. I am grateful for my ability to be able to think outside the box, and realize that I don’t know nearly as much as I once thought I did, and I don’t know nearly as much now as I think I do. I didn’t know it at the time but I had taken on the roll of a codependent victim pretty early in life. Having a complete lack of boundaries and absorbing people’s negative words about myself as absolute truths rather than just opinions. I was constantly seeking approval and sacrificed my own morals and comfort in fear of making other people upset with me. I ran from any kind of confrontation, and went to great lengths to avoid it. I was completely preoccupied with how other people viewed me, and completely lost sight of how I viewed myself. This lack of confidence effected my entire life and although I didn’t see it at the time, I see it clear as day now.

I remember from as young as 8 years old, I was on vacation with my parents. I had left my purple hip purse in a bathroom stall at a pit stop. I noticed about 25 minutes after leaving the pit stop, but it took me about 15-20 minutes to gain enough fortitude to say something. At this point we were almost an hour away. My parents obviously didn’t turn around. I lost all my chore money that day, $22, and I was devastated. That is my earliest memory of feeling a real loss regarding my own actions, and you would have thought that would have jolted me into gaining a voice. But it didn’t, it actually got worse as I got older.

First, in my defense, I didn’t know it then, but all human decisions are made to either avoid pain or gain pleasure. Second, to make things even more interesting, people will do much more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. Third, and this is a show stopper, it isn’t based on actual pain and pleasure, it’s based on your perception of what that pain or pleasure WILL be. Which our imaginations are wild, so our perception is incredibly flawed.

This is why I ended up in those compromising situations 1, 2, 3, 6+ times where a boy was allowed to take advantage of me. My flawed perception of the disappointment, or uncomfortable feelings I would ignite if I stood my ground caused me to allow these situations to escalate. Lacking complete confidence in myself to do (or not do) what I deemed as appropriate behavior, but allowing them to do as they pleased.  That was me. I could have done things differently, but my extreme lack of confidence coupled with my desire to people please landed me in these confusing situations.

Hopefully at this point you are having a couple ah-ha moments for yourself, but either way I’m about to add another layer right here. We are complex creatures, as humans, and we are guided by more than just pain and pleasure. We are also guided by our love languages. For those of you that have never heard of a love language, there are 5 of them. Depending on which love language you are, there are repercussions for linking up with someone who does not have your love language, or does not understand your love language. To break it down, 23% of the population is moved by Words of Affirmation, 20% needs Quality Time, 20% looks for Acts of Service, 19% needs Physical Touch and 18% needs to Receive Gifts in order to feel loved. Everyone has a dominant love language and a 2nd tier love language. My two are physical touch and acts of service. Now physical touch does not mean anything sexual, it is the EXACT opposite of anything sexual.  But you can easily see how physical touch can EASILY be misconstrued by someone who does not have that language and does not understand that language. This meant that not only was I dealing with a strong desire to touch and be touched in order to feel loved (hand holding, caressing and holding) I was also dealing with not wanting to displease anyone who took my ‘physical touch advances’ the wrong way and thus put me in several morally uncomfortable situations throughout my life. 

This is how a girl like me ends up pregnant out of wedlock before her 21st birthday. I was showing my love language of physical touch and was then too hesitant to stop the momentum of the situation in fear of hurting my partners feelings, causing discomfort or upsetting the moment. I was also too naive to know about birth control, and was too nervous to request he wear a condom. That was me. I didn’t say anything. Unfortunately, because I was not educated with ANY of this information, I was led to believe that I was just an immoral, disobedient individual who had no regard for her body, her love for a god, or her family. This created a mess for my subconscious mind with feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, shamefulness and maliciousness.  In reality I was just being a human, the human that I am, following the instincts and natural tendencies that I was born with or was born into.

Walking around as a pregnant unworthy, weak, incompetent, manipulative young women it’s easy to see how this situation could lead someone down a hole of suicidal thoughts, hate and frustration. I was alone, pregnant, uneducated in the things that mattered and was desperate to survive. I took on the identity of a victim, my life was beating me up, one hit after another. 

The following is a list of a few of those hits, because I know you don’t have all day.

Not wanting to inconvenience anyone (because at this point I viewed myself as a huge inconvenience), I bought a car on my own for the first time, I got ripped on the interest rate. I was paying a car payment for an 8 year old Toyota Camry as if it was a brand new BMW. That was me, I went in by myself, uneducated and unprepared. 

About two months after that, when my son was a few months old, I broke up with his father. Instead of sticking around and helping with bills and spending quality time with his son, he left the state and left me high and dry with an apartment, a car payment, a phone, a baby and all the bills. There are NO words for how this felt, it was overwhelming to a level that I do not have the vocabulary to express. I could have taken action to get him to pay child support. I didn’t. My victim mindset had me living in a space of victimhood. Victims don’t fight, they cower like a scared mouse in the corner.

The snow ball effect from not receiving child support eventually led to my car getting repoed, and a few months later I started to receive eviction notices on my apartment door. I didn’t even try to fight my son’s father for child support. I just let his lame excuses fill my ears over the phone as I cried and begged for any financial help. I didn’t make one phone call to one lawyer. I was a victim, giving up all my power.

This financial distress found me in the arms of a financially stable man who led me on a 13 year whirlwind disaster of a relationship. Moving in with him and over the course of a few years giving up control over my phone, my car and my job. This gave him complete power to punish me randomly throughout the week, threatening to cancel my phone service, threatening to kick my son and I out of his house and hiding the car keys with the excuse of it ‘not’ being my car. Having absolutely no foundation to base what is acceptable behavior in a situation where a man takes a broken, sinful, unworthy girl from penniless to a stable home, I accepted this as ok conduct.

Not long after that, being completely fooled by my sons father, when he asked to take my son on a summer get-a-way. Being torn between the fact that I had not received child support for 11 years and not wanting to be the one to keep my son from his father, I allowed my son to go. The day my son was due back to me, I received an email from my son’s father stating he would ‘take it from here’ and ‘thank you for taking care of him for 11 years.’ This forced me to obtain a lawyer and fight back and forth for 12 months to gain back what was already mine (full custody and child support), this drained my savings account of $15,000 and racked up a credit card bill to $3000. Looking back, I should have contacted a lawyer years ago and gained legal rights over my son to protect myself from this mess. But my false perception of what sort of pain that would cause me led me to hesitate for 11 years too long, putting me in this situation. 

That loss of $18,000 caused my entire life to be set back because that was the money I was planning to use to escape my narcissist partner at the time. My entire plan was postponed, and I had to start ALL over again from -$3,000. 

This was all me, everything I mentioned above happened because of my own misunderstandings of how I work as a human. And this is what I want to stress to you. It’s hard sometimes to take ownership of EVERYTHING that happens in your life, especially when it seems obvious that it’s someone else’s fault. It can also be difficult when you realize that the majority of your issues stem from not having the correct education or mindset to be able to make informed decisions regarding what you know about yourself and your weaknesses.  But the awesome thing about accepting complete blame for all the circumstances, no matter what they are, is that you also get to take complete ownership of all the awesome things you have done. For instance. 

There are many options for pregnant mothers now in days. I choose to give birth to my son, and I choose to keep my son. He is now 16. That was me. I did that!

Going above and beyond what was emotionally and mentally bearable to provide for my son, because his father was useless for the first 11 years of his life.  That was me. I did that!

Forgiving my son’s father and moving on with my life. Not talking bad about him to my son all these years. So that my son can grow up confident and strong with little to no guilt or shame as a child. That was me. I did that!

Although I never abused alcohol, I did see the effect it was having on my mental health over the weekends. So 14 years ago I choose to never drink again. It drastically improved my mental, emotional and physical health and has saved me tons of money that I am now able to save and invest with. That was me, I made that decision. I did that. 

All the emotional and mental turmoil I endured throughout these years had me thinking of drugs, alcohol and suicide on a weekly bases. How easy it would have been to just give up, throw in the towel and become another statistic. Run away and never look back. But I didn’t do those things. That was me. I stood strong. 

I recently purchased another car. I went into the dealership with two educated individuals. Fully prepared after reading books, forums and watching how to videos. I walked out paying exactly what I wanted, and saved over $10,000 in interest rates because I had cash. BOOM. Who learned from their last experience and educated herself so she wouldn’t over pay again? That was me. I did that. 

Getting a lawyer, and spending $18,000 of my hard earned money to stand up against a man who was financially abusing me for 11 years by withholding child support, and then WINNING. That was me. I now have full custody and receive monthly child support! I did that! Like a boss.

Taking a considerable amount of years and secretly educating myself to create several different avenues of online income and saving money so I can leave that narcissistic relationship. That was me. I did that! 

Walking away from a financially stable relationship of luxury and money because I educated myself on the emotional, mental and financial abuse that was happening within the home. That was me. I did that. I humbled myself by moving into my own place. I was living on a mattress on the floor for months until I was able to slowly collect used furniture from Goodwill, the side of the road and from friends. I made myself a new home for my son and I. That was me. I did that! 

Becoming the CEO and founder of my own coaching company that now has over 40,000 followers (and growing!) across all platforms.  Inspiring others worldwide and helping endlessly amounts of people break through and discover their own untapped talents and immense potential by sharing my own stories of failures and triumphs. That was me. I did that! 

Being moved by the destruction of the fast fashion industry on the environment, I created and launched my own up cycling fashion design company. Using recycled clothes to save them from the landfills. That was me. I did that!

Allowing myself to love again, even though so many men in my life have abused, taken advantage of, and lied to me. That was me. I did that! 

Never giving up, staying positive through it all, and always looking forward… rather than dwelling on the past. Knowing there has to be more, educating myself beyond what deems necessary. That was me. I did that!

It wasn’t always ‘that easy’. There were a million tears shed. There were suicidal thoughts. There were nights of wanting to give up. There was yelling and screaming and crying. There was pointing blame and feeling absolutely helpless on multiple levels. But I never gave up. I kept going, and that is why I am here sharing my story, with you. I know there have been times in your life you have wanted to give up, throw in the towel and just be complacent in your life. You may have decided to be mediocre and have put your dreams and desires aside because you are tired of fighting and tired of trying. You are sick of being let down and sick of failing. But I am here to tell you that the fight IS worth the reward. Trust your gut, keep pushing forward and continue to move towards your dreams, whatever that might be. 

We all make mistakes, we all do things that are out of character either out of emotional distress or just being naive to the truth. That is ok. You are allowed to change your mind and do things differently. You are allowed to go in a different direction even if the entire world is expecting you to go in another direction. I am here to tell you that I support you, just know that no matter which direction you go in there will be a story, a repercussion and you have to be ready and willing to handle that with strong shoulders and a positive attitude. 

This is your life, and you have the ability to speak up, turn down, or change the trajectory of your life at any moment. Now, this is where it gets tricky, because knowing this is great for you, until you realize that everyone has this right, and your ability to be able to control the people in your life flies out the window… but that my friends will be saved for another post. Until next time, follow me here. 

Do something awesome today.

Much love,

Sabrina Victoria

[filosofablogger]

Last evening I said to Jolly that maybe we’d need to take a hiatus from Jolly Monday this week, for I really wasn’t in the mood.  Jolly, however, was having none of it!

“Gwammie … NO!  Our fwiends need us more den ever now, ‘cause it’s scawy and sad and we needs to make ‘em laugh.  Pwease, Gwammie, PWEASE?”

Well, how can I resist the little guy when he puts it that way, when he cares so much about all of you?  And so, between us, we will use all our wiles and charms to try to make you laugh this morning!  Grab a donut or piece of fruit, and settle in for a few minutes with me ‘n Jolly.

Toilet paper anyone?

Toilet paper, or loo paper for my UK readers, is on the minds of just about everybody today.  Imagine one woman’s shock, though, when she ordered a supply of 48 rolls from a company called Who Gives a Crap, only to be billed over $2,000!  Haidee Janetzki of Toowoomba, Australia, had been ordering from the company on a regular basis for several years, but decided to change the brand to a cheaper one.  What she didn’t realize was that instead of 48 rolls, she accidentally ordered 48 boxes … hmmmm, I think I’m beginning to see why there is a shortage!

Says Janetzki …

“And when it asked for quantity, I put 48, thinking that would be a box of 48 rolls. Turned out it was 48 boxes. The courier man turned up at the door with two pallets of toilet paper instead of one box.”

A look at her credit card statement showed that she had been billed $2,153.78 plus shipping!  She said the recent toilet paper shortages stemming from coronavirus concerns have simplified the process of getting rid of the rolls. The family has started selling the toilet paper at a slight mark-up to support a school trip her daughter’s class is planning.  Personally, I would have sent it back, but …

Art made of what???

Take a look at this mural by 23-year-old Oscar Olivares from Venezuela and see if you can guess what it’s made of …

Oscar Olivares, in collaboration with the local environmental organization OkoSpiri and Movimiento en la Arquitectura para el Futuro (eng. Movement in Architecture for the Future), has created a gigantic mural using recycled plastic bottle caps and container lids.It took 2.5 months to plaster over 200,000 various plastic caps on a wall of a small square, Plaza Escalona in El Hatillo Municipality, Caracas. The mural extends a total of 45 meters in length, measuring 3.5 meters at its shortest point and 7.25 meters at its highest point.

“The initiative came from ONG OkoSpiri—they invited me to participate as the artist of the project of creating the first eco-mural of Venezuela using just bottle cap. At first, it sounds impossible, but I did some research and dove deep into pointillism and color. It helped me understand that it was not only possible to make a good mural using caps, but also something hard yet impressive and thus worth it.”

Oscar explains the symbolism behind the mural …

“The mural begins with the city of Caracas (where the mural is) at night with an arepa moon. The arepa is the most typical food of Venezuela and something that connects all of the people of the country—the rich and the poor. In the sky inspired by Van Gogh, you can see two Ovnis (UFOs) that represents our connection with the outer space. Then, we have some sunflowers and in the most important part of the mural, the four macaws in different sizes and perspectives flying around. You can witness these birds flying around Caracas all the time, they are always in a couple or groups. At the end of the mural, you will see an Araguaney—that is the national tree of Venezuela with the name of the mural “Oko-mural” inspired by ONG OkoSpiri.”

The plastic cap mural is reportedly one of the largest ecological murals in South America and the first of its kind in Venezuela. The idea behind the work of art is to raise awareness among the residents of Caracas and beyond about the ecological problems that the country faces.

Pandas … Pandas … Pandas!

Today is National Panda Day!  According to the National Day Calendar people …

National Panda Day draws attention to one of the world’s unique bears. Pandas are also one of the world’s most endangered and adored animals. Conservationists and animal lovers alike spread the word about increasing efforts of the international community dedicated to protecting and restoring habitat.

Native to China, giant pandas are members of the Bear (Ursidae) family. Their rapidly shrinking habitat is a major cause for concern.  As an endangered species, successful panda breeding programs are rare. In the wild, there are approximately only 1,864 (according to the World Wide Fund for Nature) and 100 living in zoos around the world.

With their white face and black eyes and body, Panda bears are easily identifiable. However, despite their sweet disposition, they tend to isolate themselves in the wild. They eat mostly plants and do not hibernate in the winter like many other bears.

So, naturally I have a cute animal video …

I think Jolly is just back from Phil’s Phun where he found some phunny cartoons …

Well, folks, I guess it’s time for us to all get down to the business at hand and get this week off to a grand start!  Share those smiles, and keep a positive attitude this week, okay?  Love ‘n hugs from Filosofa and Jolly!

  Oh … I almost forgot!  Hugh … thought you might need these for the week ahead …

Jolly Monday — Just a Few Laughs Last evening I said to Jolly that maybe we’d need to take a hiatus from Jolly Monday this week, for I really wasn’t in the mood. 

[ahnsael]

We had some lightning Tuesday afternoon, and some nearby fires started by it -- the closest, I think, is right behind a casino in Carson City, about 13 miles away. I could see the smoke on my way to work this afternoon. From what I've read, the movie theater next to the casino was evacuated, but not the casino.

As for my casino we were fire free, but had a couple of short blackouts that wreaked havoc on some of the machines. When I spoke to our slot tech after the blackouts we only had one machine down, but as the day went on we lost more and more of them (maybe or maybe not related to the power outage).

Wednesday we're supposed to get a BIG storm from what several people told me while I was at work, so the odds of my casino losing power again are probably pretty high. Kind of glad I have the day off so I won't have to worry about the aftermath (people tend to cash out as soon as the machine reboots, but before the player tracking screen is back up -- and if that screen isn't up, the machine isn't communicating with our computer system so we have to go to each individual machine, wait with the guest for the Sentinel -- that's the small screen that shows you how many points you have on your player’s card -- to reboot, then push the payment into the system, and a cashier has to process and pay them by hand. Instead of cashing out, getting a ticket, and going to a kiosk to get your money right away, you have to wait 5-15 minutes for us to find you [we don’t get a notice at the desk when a hand pay is required; we just have to walk around and look for them], push the payment, and do the required paperwork).

And then of course the air conditioning goes out, and we have to wait an hour or so for a maintenance person to come fix it. And in that time, the casino empties out as people decide they'd rather not gamble in 90º heat. Not that I blame them.

But tomorrow may be even worse. If the power is off for a half hour or so, we have to assume it's going to be a long blackout (Tuesday's blackouts only lasted a few seconds each), and we have to go to each person, get their name, address, and phone number, how much they think is in the machine (or decide to claim -- most people tend to claim much higher amounts than they actually have in the machine because they think we won’t be able to tell when the power comes back on), and then evacuate the building (of guests -- employees stay inside after chaining the doors shut so no more guests can come in -- as a 24-7 operation, we literally have no locks on our doors).

Certain brands of slot machines have to be turned off, because if they regain power without being shut off first, they have all sorts of problems (which was why we had so many go down today, even hours after the blackout, because the short blackouts didn't give us time to shut them off before power came back).

Then, when the machines come back up, we have to go around to all of them, power them up if we had shut them down, cash out the ticket (we have enough battery backup to retain the machine's memory so the credits stay), and put it in an envelope with the guest's name on it, then call them and tell them we have their voucher -- and they have 14 days to come pick it up, or they lose it.

Supposedly we aren't slated to have any more storms for at least a week after Wednesday, but tomorrow could be an interesting day at work, and not necessarily in a good way. Fortunately I won't be there to deal with it (unless they call me in to help).

But here are two extra-special highlights of the day.

Right after the blackouts, some guy was giving one of our female managers all sorts of crap because “I’m on a bike, so if it’s raining I have to go NOW but my machine isn’t coming back up and I want my money” (this is one of the machines where we’re supposed to turn the power switch OFF during a blackout, but -- again, each blackout only lasted a few seconds).

We’re a casino. We don’t just take peoples’ word for how much we owe them (more on that in the next highlight). We get enough people trying to scam us out of money that we’re not about to just take someone’s word for it.

This other manager got fed up with him and had me take over -- and this asshole was impatient with the machine as I worked on it, but nowhere NEAR as rude to me (a male manager) as he had been to her. That rubbed me the wrong way. If you’re gonna be a jerk, don’t be a jerk based on the gender of the person helping you.

So I flat out told him “this machine will take 3-4 minutes to restart, and there’s nothing I can do to speed it up.” It actually took 5 minutes, but the guy never said a word about my estimate being wrong.

When the machine was back up and running I said “I was told you’re in a hurry, so let me cash this $1.25 out for you.”

And this jerk said not to, and then sat back down at the machine, put in another $20 bill, and kept playing. So much for being in a hurry. Jerk.

The second and third people that I’m going to use as examples didn’t like me very much, but I could at least understand the frustration.

One lady said she put $20 into a slot machine and didn’t get any credits.

Usually when this happens, I can open the machine and find the $20 bill. Either it didn’t make it all the way through the bill validator, didn’t make it into the bill stacker, or they missed and put it in a seam between the bill validator and the actual machine, so it never went into the validator at all, but is loose somewhere in the machine. In fact, I’ve had all three of those things happen at this particular machine in the past.

But I opened the machine, pulled out the validator, and checked it, and there was no $20 bill. I signed out another set of keys (a set with which I CANNOT be left alone, as this set of keys accesses the stacker in a way that allows me to remove it), pulled the stacker, and saw no sign of the $20. Couldn’t see it anywhere inside the machine.

As I mentioned before, we CANNOT take someone’s word for it.

Physically, I could verify her claim and find out right then and there whether or not she’s right (that would take yet another set of keys), but...LEGALLY I cannot do that.

So what happens next is that I take down her name, address, and phone number, write up an incident report, and take the machine out of service until an investigation can be conducted by those who CAN legally do so (our slot techs).

They’ll put the machine back in service, access the menu, and get the history of bills/vouchers inserted as recorded by the machine. Then they’ll go into the count room, open the can (another word for stacker), and verify the bills/vouchers in there vs the machine history.

If there’s an extra $20 bill on top of the stack, they’ll call the lady and tell her to come in and get her money. If there’s not, we know that she was lying to us.

But...our slot techs don’t come every day. Sometimes it’s a day or two between visits (granted, with all the issues that came up Tuesday, I imagine they’ll be there Wednesday after seeing the slot repair log in their email). I had to tell the lady that it could be up to 48 hours before we could pay her.

She was NOT happy. And, honestly, I don’t blame her. I wish I could do more for her, or conduct the investigation myself (even if another manager or casino attendant had to be with me to make sure I was being honest), but...legally, my hands are tied in that situation. I did everything I was legally able to do. More than that would cost me my job.

One last one.

There are machines called “Lightning Streak.” A few different themes, but all under the “Lightning Streak” brand. We don’t have any of these at our casino, but many other local casinos do.

They have a feature where if you get six poker chips or gold coins (depending on the theme) with credit amounts on them, you trigger a bonus feature. You then get three spins in which to try to get more of those poker chips. Each time you get one more, you get three fresh spins (if you were on your last spin, you get three more; if you had two spins left, you get one more; no matter what, after each hit, you have three tries to get another).

If you fill all 15 spaces, you win the largest jackpot (which starts at $10,000 and goes up as the game is played until someone wins).

We have machines that are similar, but not the same. These are called “Lock Link” machines.

It has a similar (but not-the-same) feature where if you get three connected hearts in any row, it triggers a similar feature, where each heart has a credit value. You keep spinning as long as you keep getting hearts -- but unlike Lightning Streak machines, the hearts have to be connected horizontally or vertically to count. Also, unlike the Lightning machines, the hearts values will change -- when you hit the original hearts to trigger, each one has a value equal to twice your initial bet. Then each time you connect another heart, each previous heart goes up in value.

But filling the screen doesn’t pay the jackpot. For the jackpot, you have to have a golden heart that shows up with “Grand,” “Major,” “Minor,” or “Mini” written on it. And it has to appear on the line where you triggered the bonus.

We had a lady tonight fill the screen with hearts (which adds 2x the initial bet to each heart on the screen for a bigger win). But she thought the games were the same as the Lightning Streak games at other casinos, and almost had a heart attack thinking she had won over $12,500 (we just got these machines yesterday, and they are the largest jackpots in the casino -- one person won $1,500+ today on one of them).

I had the unfortunate duty of showing her the game rules and explaining that filling the screen had only added $1 to each heart, not awarded her enough cash to buy a car.

She thought she had won over $12,000 -- she actually won about $50.

In this case, she just hadn’t actually read the game rules before playing so she didn’t know, and while that’s on her...I totally understand her disappointment. That’s deflating to realize that you won $12,450 less than you thought you had won in a casino.

Those machines may become the bane of my existence. Because they’re multi-denominational (the player can choose to make each credit worth 1¢, 2¢, 5¢, or 10¢).

And the max bet on each credit level is 250 credits.

And instead of buttons, the bets are on a small touch screen.

Someone could turn to talk to their friend, lean their elbow on the machine, and accidentally bet $25 on a single spin (if they’re playing dimes).

We’ve never had a machine with a jackpot this high, or with bets this high ($4/spin was as high as we’d gone before -- though you could bet as little as 40¢; minimum bet on this new game is 50¢), but...if someone hits that $12,500+ jackpot, I have to make phone calls, because I’m not authorized to approve a jackpot that high). I can only go up to $9999.99 personally. Anything beyond that, I need someone higher on the casino food chain to approve.

[oblivianclassic]

Card Ramble: Android: Netrunner

Android: Netrunner, produced by Fantasy Flight Games

Author’s plug: if you live in the Greater Toronto Area and want to get in touch with local Netrunner players, you can find us on the Torsaug City Grid facebook group. Netrunner players are a friendly bunch, so don’t be shy! If you let us know you’re a new player ahead of time, someone is guaranteed to bring along a couple of starter decks.

Author’s note: Well, this article is now going up three months or so after I had intended it to. Chalk it up to life getting in the way of actually playing the game I’m writing about.

I’ve become a little obsessed with Android: Netrunner. This is unusual for a number of reasons, not least of which are the facts that I’ve recently moved myself across the country to a place where I have no friends and don’t know the lay of the land. Also unusual is the fact that A:NR is a card game. With physical cards. That you have to buy and shuffle. Manually. With your hands.

Barbaric, I know.

I’m an inveterate inhabitant of the virtual world. A childhood spent convinced that the world was beneath me was followed by an adolescence catching up with social conventions and learning how to actually make friends. The net result is that I had never managed to actually get involved in any IRL gaming until very recently. Perhaps it is all for the best, since I didn’t end up with a Magic: The Gathering addition, even though I did briefly try to acquire one. Nowadays I’m not sure if Magic is the right game for me, though I can appreciate the genius of its design. Netrunner, on the other hand, has got me by the brainstem and refuses to let me jack out. I’ve taken to recommending Android: Netrunner to pretty much anyone on the off chance that they might like it. In fact, if you have a tendency of disliking Trading Card Games and their ilk (for example, say, Hearthstone) I’ll recommend this game to you even more.

This is because Android: Netrunner is guaranteed to be like nothing you’ve ever played. The main (and most obvious) reason I say this is because A:NR is completely asymmetrical. Each of the two players plays using a completely different set of cards and rules. You’d think that this would make A:NR into a solitaire game with only occasional interaction between players, yet I’ve seen few games outside of Poker or Bridge in which each player needs to pay so much attention to what their opponent is doing. Android:Netrunner is a game of skill and getting into the other guy’s head as much as it is a game of having the better deck, and I think it’s down to the fact that it’s a game not about hitting the other person with numbers but instead about either trying to steal the other person’s stuff, or trying to keep the other guy from stealing your stuff. More on that in a few paragraphs.

Magic has a certain, well, magic to its design. It’s approachable and easy to learn, with a fairly low number of options to consider on any given turn. Of course, once you buy a few booster packs the real depth of the game becomes apparent and opens into a bottomless pit, which is why a lot of game stores rely on sales of MtG booster packs and cards to pay the bills. The majority of that depth is in the construction of a deck, which is why acquiring good cards is such an important part of the game. A good deck plays itself, as they say, and a game of Magic can be won or lost from the first few moves. A game of Magic can even be won before the match starts, if the decks are particularly mismatched. Android: Netrunner is a bit trickier to learn than Magic, since mastering the turn-by-turn play of the game is just as important as the construction of a good deck. Nearly every turn is a calculated gamble, a balancing of the known facts and the possibilities, trying to get the person sitting across from you to slip up and tip their hand just one turn earlier or later than they should. Even towards the closing turns a game can be tipped one way or the other, and victory is rarely certain even on the turn when you win.

What’s interesting about A:NR’s design history is the fact that it was designed by none other than Richard Garfield, the designer of possibly the most-imitated TCG design in the world: Magic: The Gathering. Back in the 90’s, after creating the utter genius that was MtG, Mr. Garfield wanted to try designing something that would integrate the kind of information control and bluffing that was such an integral part of poker into a TCG. As he wrote, hidden information means that calculation and optimization can only take you so far before you have to start figuring out what the other person is up to. Your calculation might be flawed because the other person could be misleading you. Being able to read the other player’s loadout and setup would be just as important as a well-constructed deck, and even a bad situation could be turned around with some smart play and bluffing. Netrunner was the result, and was released as a TCG, like Magic, in 1996 and proceeded to get buried under the pile of other TCGs which were trying to copy Magic’s success. It got some cult recognition, people would occasionally say things like “oh, yeah, Netrunner was great, a pity they stopped printing it”, but it ultimately drowned. Today’s article is only possible thanks to Fantasy Flight Games, who bought the rights to Netrunner’s design in 2012, reprinting it with a few rule changes and integrating it into their own Android universe as Android: Netrunner.

I want to take a moment now to appreciate just how cyberpunk a name like Android: Netrunner is. I’m not sure how much more cyberpunk you can get. Say “Android: Netrunner”, and you might think of things like trench coats, cool shades, punk culture, cybernetics, mega-corporations, neural implants, urban sprawl, clones, the ethical dilemmas brought on by the fusion of man and circuitry and rampant capitalism.

So, perhaps in this shiny dystopian future you’d prefer the safety and security up on top of the pile. One of the two players in a game of Android: Netrunner is the Corporation, or Corp. This is your quintessential megacorporation, organizations with control over vast flows of information and the economies of nations at their beck and call. On their turn, the Corp player spends action points, called clicks, to place servers. These face-down cards represent mass marketing campaigns and resource processing operations, traps to punish an unwary intruder, or agenda cards representing the Corp’s plans. Private militaries and corporate takeovers. Psychic clones and putting your logo on the moon. Agenda cards are what win the game. The Corp devotes resources--credits and clicks--to place advancement tokens on their agenda cards. With enough advancement tokens the agenda card can be removed from the table, giving the corp points. If the corp reaches seven points, they win.

This being a cyberpunk world, all of these agendas and assets are accessible through the ‘net. To defend their servers from intrusion, Corporations deploy Intrusion Countermeasures, or Ice. These are nasty bits of software, standing guard against cyberspace intruders. The corp player spends clicks and credits to place Ice cards horizontally in layers in front of their servers. As the game progresses, the Corp uses more and more table space as they set up servers and reinforce their defences. A visual counterpoint to the Corp’s increasing power and influence.

Of course, you may not want to be a mere gear in the vast corporate machine. Maybe you want to show The Man what’s coming. Sitting across from the Corp is the titular Runner, a hacker/cracker who is the reason why the Corp needs all that Ice in the first place. The Runner plays with an entirely different deck, with cards representing their skills and resources instead of agendas and assets. Instead of building an array of servers and defenses, the Runner spends clicks and credits to build their rig, a set of cards which represents the runner’s programs, hardware and other resources such as underworld contacts, jobs, and contracts. Some Runners use the best software and hardware they can build. Some use favors called in to supply them with tools. Some call on blackmailed employees to get them into the system. And, of course, it wouldn’t be cyberpunk without the quintessential Punks with a capital P, taking it to the fat cats armed with the profits from a day job and all the brainpower a nap and an energy drink (Diesel: It gives you flames!) can give them, then running at the Corp using a computer jacked directly into their stimmed-up nervous system.

Once everything is ready or a weakness has been spotted, the Runner hacks into the Corp’s servers. This is called a run, and is quite probably why the game is called Netrunner. In game terms, the Runner chooses a server to run on, then encounters each piece of Ice on that server from the outside in. No matter the archetype, the most important parts of any Runner’s rig are icebreaker programs which allow them to spend resources to avoid the effects of any Ice they encounter while running. Some Ice may simply block access, bouncing the Runner out of the server, but some goes further: destroying software or even zapping the unfortunate intruder’s brain. Some Ice traces the intruder and then simply tags the Runner’s location in meatspace (good old non-virtual real life), which sounds like the softer option. That is, until you realize that the corporation may simply prefer to do things a bit more old-school by contracting some private security to search the runner’s home and make all their contacts disappear. In fact, better to just level the city block (and call it “urban redevelopment”), then freeze all their bank accounts.

Once the Runner gets through the Ice, they get to access the server’s contents. If the server contains an asset, they can spend credits to trash the card, forcing the Corp to discard a resource. If the server contains an agenda card, the Runner gets to steal it and takes the points. No mucking around with advancement tokens or anything like that; if the Runner grabs the agenda, they get the points. Like the Corp, if the Runner reaches seven agenda points they win.

The Corp wins by scoring seven points, and the Runner wins by stealing seven points. Simple, right? Not quite. This is where things get interesting. You see, everything that the Corp plays on the table is initially face-down, which includes their Ice defenses. The Corp doesn’t actually have to pay to rez, or activate, the Ice on a server until it is actually being approached by the Runner. That Ice could be a painful Neural Katana or lethal Archer, or it could just be a harmless Wall of Static. The server’s contents, too, are often a mystery. That face-down card could be a valuable 3-point agenda, or it could be a pad marketing campaign or even a trap that’s been advanced to make it look like an agenda.

The Corp’s ability to hide the true nature of their setup makes every run a calculated gamble, and changes the game from one of simple calculation, i.e. “do I have the right numbers and cards to break through their defenses” to one of information control and bluffing. The Runner doesn’t know what they’re actually running on until they’re already there and facing the consequences. On top of that, the Runner must spend credits to use their icebreakers and get through the Corp’s defenses. On the other side of the table, the Corp can see the Runner’s rig and knows what they’re capable of. One bad run might set the Runner back far enough that the Corp can then score their agendas off the table, safe in the knowledge that it will be a few turns before the Runner can successfully run again.

A bad run might even outright kill the Runner. One of my favorite bits of design in Android: Netrunner is the fact that the Runner’s hand of cards is also their health bar. Ice that deals net damage and hitmen who deal meat damage force the Runner to discard cards. Some Ice even deals permanent brain damage, reducing the Runner’s maximum hand size. If the Runner is forced to discard from an empty hand, they’re flatlined and the Corp wins. The Corp, then, wants to make the Runner overstep their bounds, spend their credits and cards getting into the wrong server at the wrong time, and maybe just end the game right then and there.

On the other hand, rezzing Ice to make it actually do anything takes credits. More powerful Ice takes more credits, and the Runner knows this. A common Runner tactic is to make a run on one server, fooling the Corp into spending their money, and then running again on the real target now that the Corp can’t afford to rez the big guns. In addition, now that the Ice has been revealed the Runner can see exactly what they need to prepare for next time they run. It’s for these reasons that Corp players will sometimes choose not to rez Ice when the Runner is encountering it, preferring to save the money for other things and keeping their defenses secret until it will hurt the Runner the most.

Then again, this might not be enough. In a stroke of design genius, the Corp’s hand, draw pile, and discard pile are also servers that the Runner can decide to run on. These are known in Netrunner parlance as the central servers: HQ, RnD, and Archives. To put it another way: while the Runner has to worry about faceplanting into defenses or traps they weren’t expecting, the Corp has to worry about the Runner looking through the contents of their hand and deck. If they happen to access agenda cards while doing so, these are stolen and scored by the Runner. By running the corp’s HQ and R&D early on, before the Corp gets a chance to set up their heavier defenses, the Runner can get a view of what’s to come and get an early agenda point lead.

Even later on, it’s important for the Corp to defend these three central servers. If too many turns go by without agendas drawn, the Runner will grab them out of RnD (draw pile). If the Corp is keeping them in their HQ (hand), this leaves them with fewer options and creates a massive point of vulnerability. With four clicks every turn, a Runner can potentially steal four agendas with four runs on an HQ full of agendas. If the corp is forced to ditch some of these agendas into their Archives (discard pile) to create some room and give themselves options, this creates yet another point of access that they must dedicate resources to protecting. This can lead to the strange situation where the Runner wins the game by finding all of the corp’s nefarious plans just lying around in the trash bin.

It’s also important to note that a lot of Ice doesn’t actually block access to its server but simply inflicts effects, such as damage, on the runner while still letting them pass through. This means that an intimidating stack of Ice may gut the Runner’s rig and leave them brain-damaged and broke with private security kicking down the door, but if none of the Ice technically ended the run then they’re still alive and accessing the server’s contents. It might be worth blowing everything on a last Hail Mary run if victory or defeat is close enough. The Runner can’t afford to wait too long to run, since the Corp will have already advanced agendas while the Runner was setting up, but Running unprepared has plenty of its own risks as well. This makes the ability to scout out and evaluate your opponent’s strategy just as important as a good running setup, since you definitely don’t want to blow everything you have just to access a decoy server.

Unlike the original Netrunner, Android: Netrunner introduced the concept of factions. A:NR’s factions are similar to the heroes of Hearthstone: a deck is built around a single Identity card, or ID, which determines the minimum number of cards in the deck, available influence points for including out-of-faction cards, and provides some sort of bonus or rule change. These can range from providing simple discounts when playing certain cards all the way to tying the player’s hand size to the number of credits in their bank. Runner ID’s represent individual hackers and belong to one of three runner factions, while corp ID’s represent divisions or branches of one of the four corporate factions.

Each faction is a different flavor of cyberpunk. On the Runner side, the Anarchs are classic punks who play fast and loose and can flat out destroy the Corp’s stuff, whereas Criminals prefer to accumulate money, develop a network of contacts and favors, and pull off the perfect heist by flat out avoiding security measures. Shapers are the geniuses, savants and artists who run because they can, building big, specialized rigs with exactly the right tool for the right job. On the Corp side, Haas-Bioroid are the manufacturers of self-aware robotic labor; making their clicks efficient, plugging artificial brains directly into the ‘net as their Ice, and dealing permanent brain damage to Runners. On the other hand, Jinteki prefers to use clone labor, and positively welcomes people into their servers. Just remember: Japan has rather lenient laws when it comes to net implant feedback and- oh, dear, that Fetal AI doesn’t like being poked. Gomenasai! Weyland (who’s this Yutani person anyways?) is an old-school megacorporation and enjoys lots of money, throwing money at problems, hitmen, and a complete lack of subtlety. NBN are the new media, and they’re watching you so they can give you exactly the content you need. They’re masters of keeping the Runner tagged and exploiting that fact to accelerate their game while keeping the Runner bogged down.

Since every ID and faction has an associated playstyle, simply seeing your opponent’s ID gives you an idea of what to expect from them. An ID’s influence limit helps change that up. Every faction-specific card is worth a certain number of influence points, and a deck can include out-of-faction cards so long as the total influence cost doesn’t exceed the ID card’s maximum. The big question when building a deck is “how do I use my influence?” Some cards are considered to be universally useful, such as the Shapers’ Clone Chip that allows the Runner to install programs from their discard pile, or the NBN executive Jackson Howard (aka Action Jackson, our lord and savior) who increases Corp card draw and rescues lost agendas from the Archives. A more savvy player will seek to combine the strengths of multiple factions. Possibly the best-known combo is the Weyland-NBN “tag-n-bag”, which uses NBN cards to tag the runner, something Weyland lacks, which then enables the use of Weyland’s pyrotechnic methods of retaliation/urban restructuring normally unavailable to NBN. The core set itself comes out of the box with enough cards to make at least one deck for each runner and corp faction, and there’s more than enough combo potential between factions to make for a good few hours of deck building.

As a side note, it’s important to mention that Android: Netrunner is being distributed using Fantasy Flight’s Living Card Game (LCG) system. What this means is that cards are released in fixed, non-random packs, as opposed to randomized booster packs and decks. There are pros and cons to either system. A:NR has no secondary card market, the ongoing cost of maintaining a competitive card collection is fairly low, and finding a desirable card is a simple matter of buying the corresponding pack. However, it’s important to remember that this means there’s also no secondary card market, and the up-front cost of building one’s initial collection is intimidatingly high. The first two “cycles” of expansion packs are going to rotate out of the tournament card pool this year, but this still leaves a new player facing the prospect of buying at least one, probably two core sets, four deluxe expansion boxes, and 5 or 6 cycles of 6 expansion packs each if they want every single tournament-legal card. This is only important if you want a full collection, though. The core set is a self-contained experience and more than enough to play with a friend. If you’re looking to play with others, chances are that a few questions asked on Reddit or at a local play group will give you suggestions for deck building on a budget. I personally recommend starting with the Creation and Control big-box expansion, and the Blood Money data pack from the recent Flashpoint cycle is full of solid all-round cards. (Paperclip is love. Paperclip is life.)

I’d like to close this unhealthily long ramble by quickly pointing out that Android: Netrunner has some fantastic art direction. Oh, the style is consistent and characterful, the artists are well chosen and the cyberspace art is mind-boggling, but that’s not the best part. The best part is that the card art features very little of what I’d refer to as unnecessary fanservice or “ye gods people STILL think sex sells?!” Not only do we have 14 out of 36 Runner ID’s who are female, and who kick ass in reasonable outfits (Khan is amazing, can we just have a Khan appreciation moment here? Actually, let’s just appreciate all of Matt Zeilinger’s work.), we also have Quetzal, who is doing their own non-binary gene-modded thing. It’s refreshing to play a beautifully illustrated game of any kind where the female characters don’t look like strippers by default. On top of that, there’s some great POC representation, what with an array of races and nationalities across the board and an entire card cycle which takes place across cyberpunk India. It’s great stuff all round, and a sign of hope that game culture can be turned into something more accepting and diverse.

Also, yeah, the cyberspace art is kind of insane.

I’ll admit, at the end of all this obsessive nerdlove, that Android: Netrunner can be difficult to get into. It’s got its own vocabulary and an array of mechanics found nowhere else in the gaming world. I wrote all of the above without going into the details about the rules, and that’s because it’s so very easy to get buried in minutiae. Like Chess, A:NR has a lot of moving parts. Familiarizing yourself with how all the pieces move is just the beginning, because then comes the process of learning when to do what move, and why. On top of this, new pieces are released on a regular basis. This constantly gives everyone new options to learn, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is a game like no other that offers nearly unparallelled variety of play and consistently tense and engaging matches. Even with an outmatched deck I’m able to surprise my opponent and keep them on their toes. 

But if you like cyberpunk and really engrossing card games, the only advice I can give you is this: grab a friend, split the cost of a core set, get some cool sunglasses, and put on your favorite cyberpunk soundtrack (I recommend the Neotokyo soundtrack, by Ed Harrison or the Frozen Synapse soundtrack, by nervous_testpilot). Array your defenses, pool your funds, and hide the fact you’ve drawn a hand full of agendas. Balance the odds, build your rig, and make one more run.

Tune in next time when Taihus writes something shorter (thank goodness).

-Taihus “tl;dr I like Netrunner a lot and so should you” @raincoastgamer

Android: Netrunner at Fantasy Flight Games

Design Lessons from Poker - Richard Garfield -- ETC Press (a great little article if you’re interested in strategy game design)

[antionetterparker]

Ranking the 39 best ways to get out of debt in 2019

Whether your mountain of debt started with a shopping spree where you got a little trigger happy with the plastic or pursuing a fancy liberal arts degree, you’re here because you want to take a bulldozer to that mountain and finally be #debtfree.

Sitting on a big pile of debt is basically burning piles of money on the reg. For some perspective, Americans with commercial debt spend, on average, $1,300 per month on interest payments. (1)

That’s more than a lot of people’s rent, and it does nothing but keep collections at bay.

This only solution is to pay your debt off faster. This post covers how to do that in 3 different ways:

Improving the terms of your debt

Cutting costs

Making extra disposable income

Be sure to check out my other rankings: best online business ideas, small business ideas, and how to make money fast.

Let’s do this. Ranked by how quickness, sustainability, and ease, here are the best ways to get out of debt:

39. Do the math

If you’ve got $20,000 in credit card debt and you’re making $300 payments each month, it’ll be just over 12 years until you’re debt-free. You’ll have basically lit more than $23,000 on fire in the form of interest payments.

Use a debt repayment calculator like Credit Karma’s (2) to crunch the numbers and figure out exactly how long it’s going to take you to pay off your debt and how much you’ll be paying in interest.

38. Automate your finances

Self-made millionaire David Bach wrote a whole book on this one called “The Automatic Millionaire”, saying that it’s “the one step that virtually guarantees that you won’t fail financially.” (3)

Set a goal for when you want to finish paying off your debt and use the flipside of that debt calculator to calculate how much you’d have to pay each month to do that. Set up automatic payments on all of your credit cards and loans to that monthly minimum.

Recent college grads: the US Department of Education gives you a 0.25% interest discount just for setting up autopay, and many private lenders give you up to 0.50% off. (4) Not a lot, but it takes like 20 seconds to sign up for autopay.

37. Pay the maximum

A whopping 73% of Americans die in debt. A big reason is that many of them (yep, lookin’ at you) are only paying the minimum on their debt, which is the best way to stay in debt forever.

Instead, pay the maximum amount your budget will allow each month. Those courtside tickets can wait until AFTER you’ve paid off your debt.

36. The “avalanche” method

Call it the avalanching, stacking, or the ladder method, it’s all the same: hands down the most financially savvy and efficient method for paying off multiple different streams of debt.

Pay off your high-interest debts first (usually your credit cards). Set your automatic payments to the minimum on all of your cards and loans except the one with the highest interest rate: throw all the money you can at that one until it’s gone. Then target your second highest interest rate using all the extra money you have in the absence of the first debt, and so on.

35. The “snowball” method

For those who need to be coddled a little, snowballing is paying off your smallest debts first so that these little wins can motivate you to attack larger, more intimidating debts.

That initial boost of confidence that the snowballing method creates has helped people tackle $50k+ in debt in just a few years. (5)

34. Cash out your credit card cashback

If you’ve got cashback sitting around on any of your credit cards from incurring all this debt, you may as well take advantage of it.

Don’t try to earn any more cashback until you’re debt-free, though.

33. Put windfalls towards your debt

Put any random money you earn outside your regular income towards your debt.

Whether it’s a work bonus, birthday money, a holiday gift, your tax refund, or a $100 you found on the ground, directing that money towards your debt puts you a little bit closer to debt-free status.

32. Sell stuff

Don’t lie, you probably have a basement, garage, or closet somewhere that looks like an audition for Hoarders (without the dead cats, I hope). I’m not going to preach to you about the “life-changing magic of cleaning out your garage”, but I am going to preach to you about how selling crap you don’t need to pay off debt you shouldn’t have is a good idea.

What’s that? You’re too lazy? You don’t even have to leave your house. Sell stuff from your phone on Letgo. (6) Try out Decluttr. (7)

31. Downgrade your stuff

Lifestyle inflation is real. People don’t like to downgrade their standard of living. But you have to if you want to double down on your debt.

This couple even sold their brand new car and got a used junker when they realized they could have used that money to pay off their debt. It probably stung a little, but they managed to pay off $52,000 of debt in just 18 months. (8)

30. Free entertainment

Instead of spending money on movies or concert tickets, seek out cheaper ways to have fun.

Look online and see what kind of free things are happening around your city. Outdoor festivals, movies in the park, all that stuff.

No need to be deathly bored while you’re climbing your way out of debt hell.

29. Garage sale arbitrage

Dig through cheap crap at garage sales, strike gold. Buy valuable items for a fraction of what they’re worth, and resell them online for a huge profit. Repeat.

Corey Levitan, a writer for Men’s Health, banks an extra $20,000 a year doing this. And he only spends 3-5 hours/week on it. (9)

28. Shop through cashback sites/apps

Cashback sites like Rakuten (10) give you money for shopping online and in-store, kinda like a delayed discount. When you cash out your earnings, put it all towards your debt. Also, use a debit card instead of a credit card when doing this unless you want to spend more time paying it off.

Don’t go on a shopping spree just for cashback, though. That’s exactly how a lot of people end up in credit card debt – cashback rewards on their credit cards.

Save these sites for those everyday purchases you have to make, like groceries or maybe clothing.

27. Buy everything with cash

Many studies have shown people generally spend less when they pay with cash than they pay with credit. (11)

Think about this: not only do you have to visit an ATM or bank any time you need cash, but watching those green bills leave your hand is more difficult than swiping/chipping/tapping a piece of plastic.

Also, you won’t be adding more to your current credit balances.

But this applies to debit cards, too. No debt involved with debit cards, but it’s still easier to swipe it than to hand over bills.

26. Keep the change

Take all the loose change you find or get back throughout the day and put it in a jar. Each month, deposit it all and use it to chip away at your debt.

25. Negotiate your bills

Anyone who tells you that you can’t negotiate bills is a liar. Everything is negotiable. According to Consumer Reports, 89% of people who try to bargain are successful at least once. (12)

Try your hand at haggling with your cable and internet bills, and then move up to the big leagues: medical bills, credit cards, and car insurance.

24. Lower your rent

Bargain with your landlord, especially if you live in an apartment: offer to extend your lease, give up your parking space, agree to show your apartment to potential renters, get some roommates, pay a few months’ rent upfront, or refer new renters for a discount.

The best time to negotiate is a few months before your lease ends.

23. Negotiate your credit card interest rate

Sometimes it really is as easy as just asking.

Time Magazine’s money experts recently did a personal finance boot camp that recommends you call up your credit card company and ask them for a lower APR. 80% of callers asking for a lower interest rate were successful. (13)

22. Don’t close credit cards

The second you pay off one credit card, you’ll probably want to immediately call up the credit card company and close it. Don’t.

Unless your card charges an annual fee, keep it open. Check the FICO 5. (14) One of the biggest factors making up your credit score (30%) is your credit to debt ratio. The less credit you have available to you, the higher that ratio, the lower your credit score.

21. Freeze your credit cards… literally

Of course, keeping your credit cards in your wallet after you pay them off is like a recovered cocaine addict keeping an old stash in his bedroom.

Stick them in a bowl of water and freeze it. Every time you want to take the plastic gods out on an impulsive shopping spree, you’ll have to wait for a block of ice to thaw while you think about your life choices.

20. Monitor your credit report

Monitor your credit report on a regular basis for any errors that could be hurting your credit score. If you see any, immediately submit a dispute to get them removed so you can nudge your score upwards to secure better interest rates in your negotiations.

Each of the 3 credit bureaus gives you 1 free report a year. (15) Sites like Credit Karma (16) let you look at your report as much as you want with no penalties as well.

19. Rent your stuff

Airbnb’s cutesy tiny houses and extravagant vacation rentals are taking over, but you don’t have to have real estate to make money renting things out anymore.

Rent out your bike/recreational gear on Spinlister. (17) Got an old bridesmaids dress or fancy tux lying around? Rent out clothing on Style Lend (18) and Date My Wardrobe. (19) Compete with Alamo by renting out your car on Turo (20) or GetAround. (21) And you can rent just about anything on RentNotBuy and Loanables. (22) (23)

18. Borrow against your life insurance

If you’ve got a permanent life insurance policy with a cash value, you can borrow from it to pay off your debt. Just make sure it doesn’t backfire. Interest rates are often lower with this method, but there are penalties involved (including burdening your beneficiaries if you die before the debt is paid off) and you could risk losing your life insurance.

17. Make every debt payment on time

No, not just to keep collections at bay. Paying your debts on time keeps your credit score as high as possible, seeing as it’s the most important (35%) of the 5 FICO credit score factors (24).

A higher credit score gives you more leverage when negotiating down your interest rates with your credit card companies. It also helps you secure a lower rate if you want to refinance/consolidate your debt, which you can learn about in the next two tips.

Also, paying on time means you avoid late fees, which are just a waste of money.

16. Refinance your debt

If you qualify for refinancing, you should 100% do it. Basically, you get a new, better (lower interest, usually a personal loan) loan to replace one of your old (higher interest) loans. You can cut years off of your repayment schedule by refinancing.

Pay attention to the term length of the loan you’re refinancing your debt with, though, especially with long-term debt like mortgages. Let’s say you have 5 years left on a 30-year mortgage. Refinancing to a lower interest rate will lower your payment, but you’ll end up paying thousands more in interest.

15. Debt consolidation

Consolidating debt is simply combining multiple debts into one debt by taking out a lower interest loan. Most of the time, consolidating your debt also involves refinancing your debt (see previous tip) – especially if you have several high-interest debt sources.

In addition, you can spend less time juggling 5 different debt accounts and making sure to pay everything on time. Less chance of incurring late fees or worse – the wrath of collections.

If you’ve got debt from more than 2 different sources, you should definitely consider a debt consolidation loan.

14. Balance transfer credit card

Live-saving credit cards exist: they offer a 0% interest rate for a specific “introductory period”, which can be 6 months, 12 months, or even 21 months. You transfer your debt to this card and pay it off interest-free.

Just make sure you pay it off in time, and don’t use it to spend.

The Chase Slate is the only 0% APR balance transfer card with no fees, (25) and the Citi Simplicity offers the longest introductory period of them all (21 months). (26)

13. Loan forgiveness

If you’re a teacher, public servant, permanently disabled, Peace Corps volunteer, nurse, or law enforcement and you have student loan debt, the government might actually pay it off for you.

You don’t get away scot-free, though; these programs usually require you to make 120 qualifying payments (aka 10 years of monthly payments) before you’re considered for loan forgiveness. Check out the Federal Student Aid website for details. (27)

Whether or not you’re forgiven for your gluttonous spending on a metaphysical level is another matter.

12. Have a small emergency fund

If you don’t have some cash set aside for emergencies, you’re going to incur more debt if you get into a bad car accident or something similar.

It doesn’t have to be a lot – $1,000 should be enough for the moment, and you can build it up in increments of as little as $50 a month if you need to.

11. Quit investing

Here’s the thing: paying down debt gets you a guaranteed return (in the form of interest you no longer have to pay), and that return is almost always more than you’d earn on the stock market and always more than you get from a savings account. (28)

Drop the investments for now and put any savings in excess of your small emergency fund toward being debt-free. Not only that, but consider selling some investments and putting the proceeds towards your debt.

10. Become a digital nomad

It’s no secret that I think working from home is the future, and I’m not alone. (Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and Fast Company all agree). (29)

“Digital nomads” have traded in the 9-5 for a digital career that lets them roam the globe while they rake in cash. Aside from the obvious perks – from showing up at the “office” in your swim trunks to your “office” being a tropical island – you can also save tons of money by living somewhere cheap. The cost of living in Thailand is half what it is in the United States. Think about it. (30)

9. Gig economy jobs

Drive for Uber, doing odd jobs on TaskRabbit, shop for people with Shipt, you get the idea. These aren’t the most glamorous ways to make some extra cash, but money’s money and these jobs aren’t too hard to sign up for.

8. Teach a skill for pay

Monetize a skill you have by teaching others how to do it. Know how to play the guitar? Give private lessons. Excellent at a language? Find a language tutoring site and sign up to tutor others.

Even better, make an online course or eBook that teaches your skill for some passive income. Just make sure the content is actually useful.

7. SEO consulting

If you can learn a thing or two about SEO and find a company that would like to improve their SEO (every company), you can rake in enough side money to be out of debt asap. Entry-level SEO Consultants make about $50,000-$60,000/year…with no experience. (31)

6. Be a Virtual Assistant

If you don’t have time to learn technical skills, Virtual Assistants can make money doing any odd job that remote workers need help with, from making phone calls to making Pinterest boards. Find gigs on Upwork – according to them, Virtual Assistants are one of the fastest-growing freelance positions. (32)

5. Content writing

Can you put together a well-written sentence? Know how to capture an audience with some well-crafted words?

Content is still king, and writing it pays well too because you can’t outsource it to just anyone (we see you, wannabe internet companies trying to get away with hiring amateur Malaysian teens to write your blog).

Freelance writers can make anywhere from $30 to $70 an hour. (33)

4. Facebook ads

There are over 25 million businesses using Facebook to market themselves. (34) That’s 25 million potential clients if you know how to run a successful Facebook ad campaign because many business owners are completely clueless when it comes to social media.

Brush up your skills and start offering to do Facebook ads consulting to small businesses in your area.

3. Open an e-Commerce shop

If you want to reel in the side money, this one takes some time to build up, but it’s passive, which you know I love. E-commerce is projected to make up about 13% of all sales this year, and it’ll be up to 17% just 5 years from now. (35)

Make something and sell it. Even better, find yourself a dropshipper and cut out most of the work. Either way, get a piece of that pie.

2. Learn to code

The national average salary for a computer programmer is $84,360. (36)

Combine that with the fact that this job is 100% digital, and you’ve got a recipe for success. Imagine living on a Caribbean island where you can live comfortably on $1,200/month while you’re raking in $7,000/month. Your debt will be gone in no time.

1. Provide leads online for local businesses

Nothing out there beats raking in hot leads for local businesses. You might as well be handing over stacks of cash to these companies, so trust me when I say this: small businesses pay good money for leads.

Plus, local lead generation hits the money-making trifecta: it’s remote, scalable, and automatable. Plus, you’re cutting down on the competition by focusing on local areas.

TBH, it doesn’t really matter whether you stack your debt, snowball your debt, avalanche your debt or any other fancy terms that basically just mean paying off your debt.

Unless you want to spend the next 50 years of your life picking away at a mountain of debt with a toothpick, you need to do more than stop buying pumpkin spice lattes. You need to increase your earnings fast… local lead generation is your bulldozer.

via https://mlmcompanies.org/ranking-the-39-best-ways-to-get-out-of-debt-in-2019/

[mlmcompanies]

Whether your mountain of debt started with a shopping spree where you got a little trigger happy with the plastic or pursuing a fancy liberal arts degree, you’re here because you want to take a bulldozer to that mountain and finally be #debtfree.

Sitting on a big pile of debt is basically burning piles of money on the reg. For some perspective, Americans with commercial debt spend, on average, $1,300 per month on interest payments. (1)

That’s more than a lot of people’s rent, and it does nothing but keep collections at bay.

This only solution is to pay your debt off faster. This post covers how to do that in 3 different ways:

Improving the terms of your debt

Cutting costs

Making extra disposable income

Be sure to check out my other rankings: best online business ideas, small business ideas, and how to make money fast.

Let’s do this. Ranked by how quickness, sustainability, and ease, here are the best ways to get out of debt:

39. Do the math

If you’ve got $20,000 in credit card debt and you’re making $300 payments each month, it’ll be just over 12 years until you’re debt-free. You’ll have basically lit more than $23,000 on fire in the form of interest payments.

Use a debt repayment calculator like Credit Karma’s (2) to crunch the numbers and figure out exactly how long it’s going to take you to pay off your debt and how much you’ll be paying in interest.

38. Automate your finances

Self-made millionaire David Bach wrote a whole book on this one called “The Automatic Millionaire”, saying that it’s “the one step that virtually guarantees that you won’t fail financially.” (3)

Set a goal for when you want to finish paying off your debt and use the flipside of that debt calculator to calculate how much you’d have to pay each month to do that. Set up automatic payments on all of your credit cards and loans to that monthly minimum.

Recent college grads: the US Department of Education gives you a 0.25% interest discount just for setting up autopay, and many private lenders give you up to 0.50% off. (4) Not a lot, but it takes like 20 seconds to sign up for autopay.

37. Pay the maximum

A whopping 73% of Americans die in debt. A big reason is that many of them (yep, lookin’ at you) are only paying the minimum on their debt, which is the best way to stay in debt forever.

Instead, pay the maximum amount your budget will allow each month. Those courtside tickets can wait until AFTER you’ve paid off your debt.

36. The “avalanche” method

Call it the avalanching, stacking, or the ladder method, it’s all the same: hands down the most financially savvy and efficient method for paying off multiple different streams of debt.

Pay off your high-interest debts first (usually your credit cards). Set your automatic payments to the minimum on all of your cards and loans except the one with the highest interest rate: throw all the money you can at that one until it’s gone. Then target your second highest interest rate using all the extra money you have in the absence of the first debt, and so on.

35. The “snowball” method

For those who need to be coddled a little, snowballing is paying off your smallest debts first so that these little wins can motivate you to attack larger, more intimidating debts.

That initial boost of confidence that the snowballing method creates has helped people tackle $50k+ in debt in just a few years. (5)

34. Cash out your credit card cashback

If you’ve got cashback sitting around on any of your credit cards from incurring all this debt, you may as well take advantage of it.

Don’t try to earn any more cashback until you’re debt-free, though.

33. Put windfalls towards your debt

Put any random money you earn outside your regular income towards your debt.

Whether it’s a work bonus, birthday money, a holiday gift, your tax refund, or a $100 you found on the ground, directing that money towards your debt puts you a little bit closer to debt-free status.

32. Sell stuff

Don’t lie, you probably have a basement, garage, or closet somewhere that looks like an audition for Hoarders (without the dead cats, I hope). I’m not going to preach to you about the “life-changing magic of cleaning out your garage”, but I am going to preach to you about how selling crap you don’t need to pay off debt you shouldn’t have is a good idea.

What’s that? You’re too lazy? You don’t even have to leave your house. Sell stuff from your phone on Letgo. (6) Try out Decluttr. (7)

31. Downgrade your stuff

Lifestyle inflation is real. People don’t like to downgrade their standard of living. But you have to if you want to double down on your debt.

This couple even sold their brand new car and got a used junker when they realized they could have used that money to pay off their debt. It probably stung a little, but they managed to pay off $52,000 of debt in just 18 months. (8)

30. Free entertainment

Instead of spending money on movies or concert tickets, seek out cheaper ways to have fun.

Look online and see what kind of free things are happening around your city. Outdoor festivals, movies in the park, all that stuff.

No need to be deathly bored while you’re climbing your way out of debt hell.

29. Garage sale arbitrage

Dig through cheap crap at garage sales, strike gold. Buy valuable items for a fraction of what they’re worth, and resell them online for a huge profit. Repeat.

Corey Levitan, a writer for Men’s Health, banks an extra $20,000 a year doing this. And he only spends 3-5 hours/week on it. (9)

28. Shop through cashback sites/apps

Cashback sites like Rakuten (10) give you money for shopping online and in-store, kinda like a delayed discount. When you cash out your earnings, put it all towards your debt. Also, use a debit card instead of a credit card when doing this unless you want to spend more time paying it off.

Don’t go on a shopping spree just for cashback, though. That’s exactly how a lot of people end up in credit card debt – cashback rewards on their credit cards.

Save these sites for those everyday purchases you have to make, like groceries or maybe clothing.

27. Buy everything with cash

Many studies have shown people generally spend less when they pay with cash than they pay with credit. (11)

Think about this: not only do you have to visit an ATM or bank any time you need cash, but watching those green bills leave your hand is more difficult than swiping/chipping/tapping a piece of plastic.

Also, you won’t be adding more to your current credit balances.

But this applies to debit cards, too. No debt involved with debit cards, but it’s still easier to swipe it than to hand over bills.

26. Keep the change

Take all the loose change you find or get back throughout the day and put it in a jar. Each month, deposit it all and use it to chip away at your debt.

25. Negotiate your bills

Anyone who tells you that you can’t negotiate bills is a liar. Everything is negotiable. According to Consumer Reports, 89% of people who try to bargain are successful at least once. (12)

Try your hand at haggling with your cable and internet bills, and then move up to the big leagues: medical bills, credit cards, and car insurance.

24. Lower your rent

Bargain with your landlord, especially if you live in an apartment: offer to extend your lease, give up your parking space, agree to show your apartment to potential renters, get some roommates, pay a few months’ rent upfront, or refer new renters for a discount.

The best time to negotiate is a few months before your lease ends.

23. Negotiate your credit card interest rate

Sometimes it really is as easy as just asking.

Time Magazine’s money experts recently did a personal finance boot camp that recommends you call up your credit card company and ask them for a lower APR. 80% of callers asking for a lower interest rate were successful. (13)

22. Don’t close credit cards

The second you pay off one credit card, you’ll probably want to immediately call up the credit card company and close it. Don’t.

Unless your card charges an annual fee, keep it open. Check the FICO 5. (14) One of the biggest factors making up your credit score (30%) is your credit to debt ratio. The less credit you have available to you, the higher that ratio, the lower your credit score.

21. Freeze your credit cards… literally

Of course, keeping your credit cards in your wallet after you pay them off is like a recovered cocaine addict keeping an old stash in his bedroom.

Stick them in a bowl of water and freeze it. Every time you want to take the plastic gods out on an impulsive shopping spree, you’ll have to wait for a block of ice to thaw while you think about your life choices.

20. Monitor your credit report

Monitor your credit report on a regular basis for any errors that could be hurting your credit score. If you see any, immediately submit a dispute to get them removed so you can nudge your score upwards to secure better interest rates in your negotiations.

Each of the 3 credit bureaus gives you 1 free report a year. (15) Sites like Credit Karma (16) let you look at your report as much as you want with no penalties as well.

19. Rent your stuff

Airbnb’s cutesy tiny houses and extravagant vacation rentals are taking over, but you don’t have to have real estate to make money renting things out anymore.

Rent out your bike/recreational gear on Spinlister. (17) Got an old bridesmaids dress or fancy tux lying around? Rent out clothing on Style Lend (18) and Date My Wardrobe. (19) Compete with Alamo by renting out your car on Turo (20) or GetAround. (21) And you can rent just about anything on RentNotBuy and Loanables. (22) (23)

18. Borrow against your life insurance

If you’ve got a permanent life insurance policy with a cash value, you can borrow from it to pay off your debt. Just make sure it doesn’t backfire. Interest rates are often lower with this method, but there are penalties involved (including burdening your beneficiaries if you die before the debt is paid off) and you could risk losing your life insurance.

17. Make every debt payment on time

No, not just to keep collections at bay. Paying your debts on time keeps your credit score as high as possible, seeing as it’s the most important (35%) of the 5 FICO credit score factors (24).

A higher credit score gives you more leverage when negotiating down your interest rates with your credit card companies. It also helps you secure a lower rate if you want to refinance/consolidate your debt, which you can learn about in the next two tips.

Also, paying on time means you avoid late fees, which are just a waste of money.

16. Refinance your debt

If you qualify for refinancing, you should 100% do it. Basically, you get a new, better (lower interest, usually a personal loan) loan to replace one of your old (higher interest) loans. You can cut years off of your repayment schedule by refinancing.

Pay attention to the term length of the loan you’re refinancing your debt with, though, especially with long-term debt like mortgages. Let’s say you have 5 years left on a 30-year mortgage. Refinancing to a lower interest rate will lower your payment, but you’ll end up paying thousands more in interest.

15. Debt consolidation

Consolidating debt is simply combining multiple debts into one debt by taking out a lower interest loan. Most of the time, consolidating your debt also involves refinancing your debt (see previous tip) – especially if you have several high-interest debt sources.

In addition, you can spend less time juggling 5 different debt accounts and making sure to pay everything on time. Less chance of incurring late fees or worse – the wrath of collections.

If you’ve got debt from more than 2 different sources, you should definitely consider a debt consolidation loan.

14. Balance transfer credit card

Live-saving credit cards exist: they offer a 0% interest rate for a specific “introductory period”, which can be 6 months, 12 months, or even 21 months. You transfer your debt to this card and pay it off interest-free.

Just make sure you pay it off in time, and don’t use it to spend.

The Chase Slate is the only 0% APR balance transfer card with no fees, (25) and the Citi Simplicity offers the longest introductory period of them all (21 months). (26)

13. Loan forgiveness

If you’re a teacher, public servant, permanently disabled, Peace Corps volunteer, nurse, or law enforcement and you have student loan debt, the government might actually pay it off for you.

You don’t get away scot-free, though; these programs usually require you to make 120 qualifying payments (aka 10 years of monthly payments) before you’re considered for loan forgiveness. Check out the Federal Student Aid website for details. (27)

Whether or not you’re forgiven for your gluttonous spending on a metaphysical level is another matter.

12. Have a small emergency fund

If you don’t have some cash set aside for emergencies, you’re going to incur more debt if you get into a bad car accident or something similar.

It doesn’t have to be a lot – $1,000 should be enough for the moment, and you can build it up in increments of as little as $50 a month if you need to.

11. Quit investing

Here’s the thing: paying down debt gets you a guaranteed return (in the form of interest you no longer have to pay), and that return is almost always more than you’d earn on the stock market and always more than you get from a savings account. (28)

Drop the investments for now and put any savings in excess of your small emergency fund toward being debt-free. Not only that, but consider selling some investments and putting the proceeds towards your debt.

10. Become a digital nomad

It’s no secret that I think working from home is the future, and I’m not alone. (Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and Fast Company all agree). (29)

“Digital nomads” have traded in the 9-5 for a digital career that lets them roam the globe while they rake in cash. Aside from the obvious perks – from showing up at the “office” in your swim trunks to your “office” being a tropical island – you can also save tons of money by living somewhere cheap. The cost of living in Thailand is half what it is in the United States. Think about it. (30)

9. Gig economy jobs

Drive for Uber, doing odd jobs on TaskRabbit, shop for people with Shipt, you get the idea. These aren’t the most glamorous ways to make some extra cash, but money’s money and these jobs aren’t too hard to sign up for.

8. Teach a skill for pay

Monetize a skill you have by teaching others how to do it. Know how to play the guitar? Give private lessons. Excellent at a language? Find a language tutoring site and sign up to tutor others.

Even better, make an online course or eBook that teaches your skill for some passive income. Just make sure the content is actually useful.

7. SEO consulting

If you can learn a thing or two about SEO and find a company that would like to improve their SEO (every company), you can rake in enough side money to be out of debt asap. Entry-level SEO Consultants make about $50,000-$60,000/year…with no experience. (31)

6. Be a Virtual Assistant

If you don’t have time to learn technical skills, Virtual Assistants can make money doing any odd job that remote workers need help with, from making phone calls to making Pinterest boards. Find gigs on Upwork – according to them, Virtual Assistants are one of the fastest-growing freelance positions. (32)

5. Content writing

Can you put together a well-written sentence? Know how to capture an audience with some well-crafted words?

Content is still king, and writing it pays well too because you can’t outsource it to just anyone (we see you, wannabe internet companies trying to get away with hiring amateur Malaysian teens to write your blog).

Freelance writers can make anywhere from $30 to $70 an hour. (33)

4. Facebook ads

There are over 25 million businesses using Facebook to market themselves. (34) That’s 25 million potential clients if you know how to run a successful Facebook ad campaign because many business owners are completely clueless when it comes to social media.

Brush up your skills and start offering to do Facebook ads consulting to small businesses in your area.

3. Open an e-Commerce shop

If you want to reel in the side money, this one takes some time to build up, but it’s passive, which you know I love. E-commerce is projected to make up about 13% of all sales this year, and it’ll be up to 17% just 5 years from now. (35)

Make something and sell it. Even better, find yourself a dropshipper and cut out most of the work. Either way, get a piece of that pie.

2. Learn to code

The national average salary for a computer programmer is $84,360. (36)

Combine that with the fact that this job is 100% digital, and you’ve got a recipe for success. Imagine living on a Caribbean island where you can live comfortably on $1,200/month while you’re raking in $7,000/month. Your debt will be gone in no time.

1. Provide leads online for local businesses

Nothing out there beats raking in hot leads for local businesses. You might as well be handing over stacks of cash to these companies, so trust me when I say this: small businesses pay good money for leads.

Plus, local lead generation hits the money-making trifecta: it’s remote, scalable, and automatable. Plus, you’re cutting down on the competition by focusing on local areas.

TBH, it doesn’t really matter whether you stack your debt, snowball your debt, avalanche your debt or any other fancy terms that basically just mean paying off your debt.

Unless you want to spend the next 50 years of your life picking away at a mountain of debt with a toothpick, you need to do more than stop buying pumpkin spice lattes. You need to increase your earnings fast… local lead generation is your bulldozer.

[aaltjebarisca]

Keep, Donate or Toss: A Guide to Spring Cleaning

My method to decluttering isn’t exactly as inspiring as deciding what “sparks joy” and gently discarding the items that don’t. I tend to go with a tough love approach.

“Yeah, you loved that dress, but at this point it’s just taking up space.”

“Man, I wish people would quit loading me up with a bunch of junk ‘gifts’ that I’m just going to keep out of guilt for six months and then toss in the trash.”

“Stop pretending you’re cool enough to get invited to a party that would allow you to wear those sparkly pants. Get rid of them already!”

I’m a little bit ruthless, but it definitely helps me pare down all the stuff I own to items that I truly appreciate and am happy to have taking up valuable space in my home.

How can you channel this energy into your spring cleaning? Let’s take a look at some of the questions you should ask yourself anytime you’re trying to overhaul your large collection of “stuff.”

Figure Out Your Plan of Attack

First, you want to figure out how you’re going to sort through it all. Don’t resolve to do it all in one day – you don’t want to get burned out.

In fact, you might want to spread out your cleaning over several weeks, especially if you lead a busy life. Even doing a little bit each day helps. If you’re really limited on time, make it an ongoing, long-term project where you declutter as you go through your everyday actions.

For example, if you prepare your outfits the night before, take some of that time to do a quick once-over of your closet, looking for anything you haven’t worn in a while that can be put aside for donation.

You might also want to have a couple bins or boxes set aside so you can easily sort what’s going in the trash from what’s to be donated.

How do you decide what to donate and what to throw away? Basically, if it’s in good condition, you should consider donating it. Otherwise, it’s probably best to toss (or recycle) it.

Once you’ve decided on your strategy and are ready to get started, here are the questions you need to ask yourself when deciding to keep, donate or toss.

Would I Miss It?

One of the main questions you should be asking yourself when spring cleaning is, “If this item disappeared tomorrow, would I miss it?”

This won’t apply to everything (you might not miss your archive of tax documents, but you should still hold onto it), but it’s a good measure for things like clothes, books and other personal items. It helps you determine your emotional connection to an item.

If you have an old, beloved copy of a book you haven’t read in a while but are glad to have on your shelf, keep it. On the other hand, if you have a book that you’ve been promising yourself you’ll “get to” for several years now, it’s probably time to donate.

If you aren’t sure about something, give it a deadline. Stick it in the back of your closet for a month or so, and if you haven’t thought of it by the deadline, get rid of it.

Have I Used It Recently?

Even if an item has been really useful or important to you in the past, it doesn’t do any good to have a bunch of “Ghosts of Blue Jeans Pasts” cluttering up your space and limiting the room you have for newer, more useful items.

This can be especially helpful for sorting through clothing items. A lot of us have a tendency to hold onto things just in case we end up needing them – the beautiful but impractical pair of shoes that don’t go with anything in our closet, the shirt that fit us two sizes ago, the worn jeans we swear we’re going to turn into cutoffs one of these days.

Just because you haven’t used or worn an item recently doesn’t mean it automatically goes in the toss/donate pile. It just means that you need to evaluate why you haven’t used it in a while and if it’s really worth hanging onto.

Do I Need It?

Now, about those old tax documents.

You probably have a small stockpile of items that you either might need one day, or aren’t sure if it’s OK to throw out. While it’s generally a good idea to hold onto important documents you aren’t sure you’ll need, these records can start to pile up over the years, creating a big mess of paper that’s hard to navigate.

When it comes to important records and financial documents, here’s a basic rundown of how long you should keep them, according to finra.org:

Tax-related documents: 7 years

Property records: 6 years after sale of the home

Loan-related documents: Until the loan is paid off (you may want to keep proof that the loan was paid off indefinitely)

Paystubs: Until you receive your W-2

Bank and credit card statements: 1 month

Bills: Until payment clears

Keep any documentation of items that you plan to deduct/have previously deducted on your taxes. Additionally, if you make any large purchases, you should hold onto any related bills or receipts in case you ever need to substantiate an insurance claim.

What about the menagerie of junk drawer-type items you’ve got cluttering your home? Things like old remotes, cords that you aren’t sure what they belong to, old phone chargers and the like? That stuff is usually pretty safe to throw out. So are any instruction manuals you’ve kept for your belongings, since these are all online now. If you’re ever in need of instructions on how to use something, just type the item’s name and “manual” into your search engine.

Is It Taking Up More Space Than It’s Worth?

Sometimes, it’s nice to have some items on hand that you don’t necessarily use all the time but, when the occasion does arise, you’re glad you kept. A good example of this is a waffle iron.

Waffle irons are fun to have – especially if you have a kid who loves waffles. But realistically, how often are you making waffles? Once a month? Twice a year? For the other 300-plus days you aren’t using it, that waffle iron is just sitting there, taking up valuable cabinet space.

The key to these types of items is to ask yourself if they’re worth the space they take up when they aren’t in use. Maybe you consider whether to toss the waffle iron but decide that those Saturday mornings making waffles are more important than having the extra space.

Or you may decide that it’s not the end of the world if you have to make pancakes instead. There’s no right or wrong answer, as long as you’re being honest with yourself about an item’s usefulness.

Is There a Better Alternative?

The digital age offers many opportunities to minimize the amount of physical space things take up in your home. You can load photos onto a disc or flash drive, put your books onto an E-reader or get your music from a streaming service. If you have a giant DVD collection, save a few of your favorites, donate the rest and subscribe to a video streaming service to satisfy your entertainment needs.

Additionally, any physical resources and manuals you have can be given away and replaced with a simple internet connection. You don’t need multiple cookbooks or a set of encyclopedias when you have the World Wide Web at your fingertips.

If you have a bunch of files and documents that are taking up a lot of space, it might be worth it to spend a day scanning them onto your computer. Just be sure to back them up onto some sort of external drive.

While you’re doing this, go into all your important accounts and see which ones you can get paperless statements for. This will prevent a future build-up of document clutter and cut down on the amount of paper you have to shred.

While not everything in your life can (or should) be digitized, don’t be afraid to use technology to your advantage when it comes to decluttering and making the most of your space.

Get to a Comfortable (For You) Level of Clutter

This cleaning strategy requires you to be brutally honest with yourself. Asking yourself these questions will only get you so far if your answer to each one has you holding on to every single item.

We all have different tolerance levels for clutter, and while not everyone is going to end their spring cleaning as a minimalist with nothing but the bare essentials in their home, you should have at least a few bags of trash or donations to show for your hard work.

How do you know if you’re doing it right? If you end up with a house that’s got slightly less stuff in it and is easier to tidy, you’ve probably done a good job.

What are your top spring cleaning tips? Share them with us in the comments below!

The post Keep, Donate or Toss: A Guide to Spring Cleaning appeared first on ZING Blog by Quicken Loans.

from Updates About Loans https://www.quickenloans.com/blog/keep-donate-toss-guide-spring-cleaning

[mikebrackett]

Keep, Donate or Toss: A Guide to Spring Cleaning

My method to decluttering isn’t exactly as inspiring as deciding what “sparks joy” and gently discarding the items that don’t. I tend to go with a tough love approach.

“Yeah, you loved that dress, but at this point it’s just taking up space.”

“Man, I wish people would quit loading me up with a bunch of junk ‘gifts’ that I’m just going to keep out of guilt for six months and then toss in the trash.”

“Stop pretending you’re cool enough to get invited to a party that would allow you to wear those sparkly pants. Get rid of them already!”

I’m a little bit ruthless, but it definitely helps me pare down all the stuff I own to items that I truly appreciate and am happy to have taking up valuable space in my home.

How can you channel this energy into your spring cleaning? Let’s take a look at some of the questions you should ask yourself anytime you’re trying to overhaul your large collection of “stuff.”

Figure Out Your Plan of Attack

First, you want to figure out how you’re going to sort through it all. Don’t resolve to do it all in one day – you don’t want to get burned out.

In fact, you might want to spread out your cleaning over several weeks, especially if you lead a busy life. Even doing a little bit each day helps. If you’re really limited on time, make it an ongoing, long-term project where you declutter as you go through your everyday actions.

For example, if you prepare your outfits the night before, take some of that time to do a quick once-over of your closet, looking for anything you haven’t worn in a while that can be put aside for donation.

You might also want to have a couple bins or boxes set aside so you can easily sort what’s going in the trash from what’s to be donated.

How do you decide what to donate and what to throw away? Basically, if it’s in good condition, you should consider donating it. Otherwise, it’s probably best to toss (or recycle) it.

Once you’ve decided on your strategy and are ready to get started, here are the questions you need to ask yourself when deciding to keep, donate or toss.

Would I Miss It?

One of the main questions you should be asking yourself when spring cleaning is, “If this item disappeared tomorrow, would I miss it?”

This won’t apply to everything (you might not miss your archive of tax documents, but you should still hold onto it), but it’s a good measure for things like clothes, books and other personal items. It helps you determine your emotional connection to an item.

If you have an old, beloved copy of a book you haven’t read in a while but are glad to have on your shelf, keep it. On the other hand, if you have a book that you’ve been promising yourself you’ll “get to” for several years now, it’s probably time to donate.

If you aren’t sure about something, give it a deadline. Stick it in the back of your closet for a month or so, and if you haven’t thought of it by the deadline, get rid of it.

Have I Used It Recently?

Even if an item has been really useful or important to you in the past, it doesn’t do any good to have a bunch of “Ghosts of Blue Jeans Pasts” cluttering up your space and limiting the room you have for newer, more useful items.

This can be especially helpful for sorting through clothing items. A lot of us have a tendency to hold onto things just in case we end up needing them – the beautiful but impractical pair of shoes that don’t go with anything in our closet, the shirt that fit us two sizes ago, the worn jeans we swear we’re going to turn into cutoffs one of these days.

Just because you haven’t used or worn an item recently doesn’t mean it automatically goes in the toss/donate pile. It just means that you need to evaluate why you haven’t used it in a while and if it’s really worth hanging onto.

Do I Need It?

Now, about those old tax documents.

You probably have a small stockpile of items that you either might need one day, or aren’t sure if it’s OK to throw out. While it’s generally a good idea to hold onto important documents you aren’t sure you’ll need, these records can start to pile up over the years, creating a big mess of paper that’s hard to navigate.

When it comes to important records and financial documents, here’s a basic rundown of how long you should keep them, according to finra.org:

Tax-related documents: 7 years

Property records: 6 years after sale of the home

Loan-related documents: Until the loan is paid off (you may want to keep proof that the loan was paid off indefinitely)

Paystubs: Until you receive your W-2

Bank and credit card statements: 1 month

Bills: Until payment clears

Keep any documentation of items that you plan to deduct/have previously deducted on your taxes. Additionally, if you make any large purchases, you should hold onto any related bills or receipts in case you ever need to substantiate an insurance claim.

What about the menagerie of junk drawer-type items you’ve got cluttering your home? Things like old remotes, cords that you aren’t sure what they belong to, old phone chargers and the like? That stuff is usually pretty safe to throw out. So are any instruction manuals you’ve kept for your belongings, since these are all online now. If you’re ever in need of instructions on how to use something, just type the item’s name and “manual” into your search engine.

Is It Taking Up More Space Than It’s Worth?

Sometimes, it’s nice to have some items on hand that you don’t necessarily use all the time but, when the occasion does arise, you’re glad you kept. A good example of this is a waffle iron.

Waffle irons are fun to have – especially if you have a kid who loves waffles. But realistically, how often are you making waffles? Once a month? Twice a year? For the other 300-plus days you aren’t using it, that waffle iron is just sitting there, taking up valuable cabinet space.

The key to these types of items is to ask yourself if they’re worth the space they take up when they aren’t in use. Maybe you consider whether to toss the waffle iron but decide that those Saturday mornings making waffles are more important than having the extra space.

Or you may decide that it’s not the end of the world if you have to make pancakes instead. There’s no right or wrong answer, as long as you’re being honest with yourself about an item’s usefulness.

Is There a Better Alternative?

The digital age offers many opportunities to minimize the amount of physical space things take up in your home. You can load photos onto a disc or flash drive, put your books onto an E-reader or get your music from a streaming service. If you have a giant DVD collection, save a few of your favorites, donate the rest and subscribe to a video streaming service to satisfy your entertainment needs.

Additionally, any physical resources and manuals you have can be given away and replaced with a simple internet connection. You don’t need multiple cookbooks or a set of encyclopedias when you have the World Wide Web at your fingertips.

If you have a bunch of files and documents that are taking up a lot of space, it might be worth it to spend a day scanning them onto your computer. Just be sure to back them up onto some sort of external drive.

While you’re doing this, go into all your important accounts and see which ones you can get paperless statements for. This will prevent a future build-up of document clutter and cut down on the amount of paper you have to shred.

While not everything in your life can (or should) be digitized, don’t be afraid to use technology to your advantage when it comes to decluttering and making the most of your space.

Get to a Comfortable (For You) Level of Clutter

This cleaning strategy requires you to be brutally honest with yourself. Asking yourself these questions will only get you so far if your answer to each one has you holding on to every single item.

We all have different tolerance levels for clutter, and while not everyone is going to end their spring cleaning as a minimalist with nothing but the bare essentials in their home, you should have at least a few bags of trash or donations to show for your hard work.

How do you know if you’re doing it right? If you end up with a house that’s got slightly less stuff in it and is easier to tidy, you’ve probably done a good job.

What are your top spring cleaning tips? Share them with us in the comments below!

The post Keep, Donate or Toss: A Guide to Spring Cleaning appeared first on ZING Blog by Quicken Loans.

from Updates About Loans https://www.quickenloans.com/blog/keep-donate-toss-guide-spring-cleaning