#also I think arian is also a star now but you get what I mean

[burningdowndarkblue]

thinking about how succession was pitched as a show with "no stars" and ended with 3 stars! I'd go as far to say that watching the actors grow was one of the great joys of being a viewer.

[kyrieanne]

you said something last night about the good place and the incantation, and I don't know what that means but I would very much like to if you can explain it.

::claps hands::

Necessary throat clearing I: I do not think Christianity is the thesis statement of The Good Place; Mike Schur has been extremely clear this story is not an argument for a particular philosophy. I’m not arguing that anything about the show is particularly religious, but rather that there are some natural analogues (from my point of view). The show is about philosophy, which has a natural overlap with theology at large. I’m not a pastor person, but I do have the same education as one. I’m also trained to look closely at narrative “texts.”  Thus, here we are.

Back in 2012, Helen Sword wrote about nominalization – she coined the name zombie words because it’s easier to remember – which is when you take an adjective (implacable) or a verb (calibrate) or even another noun (crony) and add a suffix like ity, tion or ism. Think: implacability, calibration, cronyism, heteronormativity, etc.

Academics, scientists, - and philosophers/theologians eat nominalization for breakfast. They litter their writing with them. At best – nominalization help us put a name to big, complex ideas, and at worst it can be a tripping hazard to communicating with clarity. Sword cites a pretty famous essay by George Orwell Politics and the English Language, written in 1946.

Orwell warns how language isn’t just political in its content but in its form as well. He quotes a passage from the Bible, Ecclesiastes 9:11

I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

Then Orwell wrote a modern version:

Objective considerations of contemporary phenomena compel the conclusion that success or failure in competitive activities exhibits no tendency to be commensurate with innate capacity, but that a considerable element of the unpredictable must invariably be taken into account.

Sword and Orwell argue that concrete language – that tethered to our five senses – is clearer. It endures, evocates, and energizes your audience. Nominalization has its uses, but should be used sparingly when communication – always a two-way street – is the goal. Cluttering our language with these zombie words is the best strategy for anyone who wants to talk, but cares very little about being heard.

I think The Good Place is an example of a story told in concrete language - though its a visual medium, and it is very much on purpose. But I’ll get to that...

First, let’s define the term Incarnation...Simply put, it is a theological assertion that Jesus Christ was both fully God and fully human. It is one of those key beliefs - take it away and whatever you’ve got isn’t Christian; This isn’t one of those down in the weeds, who cares? theological arguments.

Second, let’s talk about why the points system on The Good Place is fundamentally broken…

Remember Chidi’s breakdown earlier in the season with the peeps chili?

In that scene, he describes 3 main approaches in the last 2500 years of western philosophy to this question: how to live an ethical life?

·       Virtue Ethics – (think Aristotle) There are certain virtues of the mind like courage, generosity, etc. One should develop oneself in accordance to those virtues. The emphasis is on human reason or our minds – what do I do with my mind

·       Consequentialism - Is it right or is it wrong? is based on the consequences of that action - how much utility/good vs. how much pain/bad? The emphasis is on the result instead of the action - what happens to your [neighbor’s] body?

·       Deontology - There are strict rules that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society; an ethical life is identifying & following those rules. The emphasis is on the action instead of the result - what do I do with my body?

(::screeches:: I’m VASTLY over-simplifying here.)

Each philosophical system Chidi outlines makes a priority choice with regards to my mind, my body, and your body. Each takes the mind, body, and other’s bodies into account, but each prioritizes one over the other as the loci – or starting place/lens - from which to answer the question, how to live an ethical life?

The Good Place uses Doug Forcett as the prime example this dynamic because he’s as close to a control group you can have in the story. He is the story-telling embodiment of this tension:

In any ethical system you cannot separate your mind (what you think/believe) from your body (your actions in the real world) or from the bodies of others (the consequences of those actions). 

Please hear what I’m not saying - that these ethical systems are wrong. I am simply saying that none of them completely account for how three parts are inter-connected. 

Doug’s attempt to live an ethical life is endlessly, hopelessly tangled in this ethical web. This is the catalyst for Michael to go to Accounting because he thinks the Bad Place is rigging the points system. But when that proves to be untrue – he jumps to another theory. He makes the case to the Judge that that modern life is so vastly complicated and fraught with moral quandaries that living any sort of morally positive life is impossible.

Yet, it’s total hubris to think our way of life is worse-better than the human condition 500+ years ago. It’s a fetishization of a single era.  Even if we’re arguing that that era damns everyone. It simplifies and romanticizes the past and that is very dangerous because that sentimentality lets us lie to ourselves. We can excuse all kinds of human behavior by slapping the term modernity on it; our world made us do it. It’s a great example of how nominalization can be dangerous. 

I’m confident the show knows this and Michael’s current theory will be proven to be as hollow as the ‘Bad Place is rigging it’ theory. Michael does not know how but he knows with the core of his demon-being that the merit-based “points” system is fundamentally broken.

Let’s talk about systems & power for a moment…

Last year I did some training with the Race Equity Institute for work. They started by talking about systems. We can all name systems:  weather and water systems, the systems of the body and universe, economic and political ones, etc. Social systems – inter-connected people – are maybe the messiest systems there are.

Two important characteristics of any system are 1) the “parts” of the system are inter-connected and 2) the system self-perpetuates, i.e. the power lies in the inter-connectedness of the parts. Your mind & body – as well as the bodies of others – are part of an ethical system. They are inter-connected and there is power in that inter-connectedness.

An ethical life is always bound up in the systems to which we belong, and those systems create mindsets. Yet, the power of those systems is not in the nominalization:  racism, sexism, classcism, etc. we use to describe them. Power lies in the inter-connectedness of the parts – here, people. The last two years of the Angry Cheeto have made that particularly plain, I think.

Enter Big Noodle & the Incarnation

Jason is the character version of from the mouths of babes – his point with Big Noodle is you can’t judge what you don’t know.

So, the Judge goes down to Earth. 

That is what prompted me to think about The Good Place and the Incarnation.

Remember, the Incarnation is a theological assertion who God is, specifically who Jesus Christ is. The church spent a long time arguing about it (like in the hundreds of years) and they did because how do you define God? In the world of The Good Place, where we’re dealing with philosophy and not Christian theology, that question is analogous to how to live an ethical life? because who God is – in the Judeo-Christian tradition – is the starting place for what the meaning of human life is.

(Here I’m going to delve into a little Christian theology, but I PROMISE I have a reason.)

Did God create Jesus in the same way God created trees and elephants and the stars? Was Jesus the highest created being of God? A sort-of demi-god? A movement called Arianism argued this, but in the long run it was rejected because it didn’t fit with the Bible. There were a lot of opinions and theories – I’m skimming over A LOT, but in the end the church basically punted.

The Good Place took Michael through a conversion-like storyline in Season 2 when he became a demon who cares for others – his humans & Janet. Since then he has pursued the question of how behind the points system. He knows it shouldn’t have been possible for his humans to get better after they died, which undermines the whole argument for an earth-bound points system. But they did. If that is true, then the system itself is not the right answer to how to live an ethical life?

Remember: You cannot judge what you do now know.

At the Council of Chalcedon (451), it was decided to define God’s nature by what we know God is rather than what we know God is not. It’s called the Chalcedon formula, and it begins with we confess. In Christian tradition, confession is a different kind of knowing; it is rational, but it is also embodied. One can only confess what one knows because it has be proven to be true in one’s own life. It’s not about having the right answers, but saying - to me this is true.    

The formula states that Jesus is God and Jesus is human, two natures without confusion, and how that exists we don’t entirely understand. It is a union of the human and divine that is not a blending of the two to make one, like the combination of two primary colors to create a new one. Jesus’ birth, life, and death is not somehow less human because of his divinity, but what comes next – the whole rising from the dead thing – definitely is divine. Even writing that sentence makes me itch a little because the Incarnation is an assertion that you can’t divide Christ’s biography into part 1: human, part 2: divine. Rather, the body of Christ – the very nature of who he was, is, and will be – is both human and divine.

The Power of Both/And

Think about this: what confirmation do we have there is a Good Place?

The only characters we’ve seen that come from there are the not-people from The Book of Dougs. Were they angels? Anti-demons? I don’t think we’ve been given a definition. Why should we trust they are what we’re told they are the first go-round? We already know characters are not always who we’re told they are. Further, the judge doesn’t reside in the Good Place. The accountants don’t. We have a door to the Good Place that only non-humans can pass through. Okay, but have we seen anyone pass through it? Assuming there is a Good Place assumes that all the other kinds of characters exist to be part of the machinery that is the human after-life. Demons torture. The judge judges. The accountants tally. Janets help. 

You’ve got a system of interconnected parts:  humans, demons, Janets, needlenoggles, a judge, accountants, etc., and you’ve got this points system in which they all play some part. What Schur & co. have quietly been doing with Team Cockroach is showing how these different types of beings are all changing:  Janet falling in love, Michael’s conversion to caring for others, and the humans changing after they died. None of these things are supposed to be happening in that system.

I wonder if Schur & co. are playing another sleight of hand in their story telling akin to the Season 1 reveal. What if the world of The Good Place isn’t either you belong (not just humans either, but all kinds of creatures) to the GOOD PLACE or the BAD PLACE.  What if - instead - they are making an argument that how to live an ethical life is not about getting the answer to the question, but about seeing the world (here the story-world of The Good Place) in new, transformative ways.

In that REI training, the facilitators asked everyone if you were proud to be an American. This was the beginning of the training. It was one of those questions that you don’t know the right answer to, but you do know what the wrong answers might be. No one said anything. The trainers started listing things they like about living in America:  public education, running water, our national parks, etc., and then they listed things they didn’t like:  history of slavery, the Flint water crisis, etc. They said for the work we were going to be doing in our training they wanted us to resist language of either/or – you are either a racist or you are not. You either love America or you don’t. Rather, they said, embrace the power in both/and language. You can both love the systems in which you live and work, and you can recognize their brokenness, pain, and hurt. You can be both angry at and thankful for your community. That, they said, is how we transform ourselves and our communities. 

The both/and shows up in the Incarnation too – it is a theological assertion that Jesus was BOTH human AND divine. Jesus’ very body rejects that the laws of nature are either/or. Either them or me. Either good or bad. Either/or is a way of seeing the world that is human – we do it as naturally as breathing - but it is not the only way to see. There are more humane ways to exist.

I don’t know what story Schur & co. are telling, but I struggle to see where they are going to land if there is a Good Place without turning the story into a confession of a particular ethical or religious system. Because if there is a Good Place you’ve created an either/or world that needs a system for how it works. 

Rather, they’ve spent a lot of narrative time doing exactly what the church did when they tried to define God – a lot of guesses that tell you want God is not, but don’t clarify what God is. Michael & co. know that Doug Forcett didn’t get enough points despite his ascetic-like life. They know that demons and humans and Janets can change in ways they are not supposed to be able to. They know that they love and care about each other. They know what they don’t know. 

It is counter-intutive, but the best way to communicate big, complex ideas is in concrete, small language. It’s language that is incarnated. The Good Place is a half-hour sitcom about philosophy, and it does that by telling small, incarnated stories. You’ve got 4 humans and they died. What happens next?

But you also have a demon and a Janet. You have a system that appears to not be working. You have two places – good and bad – but actually you don’t. So already that either/or dichotomy is breaking down. There’s the Medium Place and despite the room temperature beer and medium snacks, I wonder if the fundamental geography of the show is a red herring. What if the demons and Janets and all the other kinds of beings are just as caught up in a system of either/or that is patently false? Without a Good Place, the geography of the world isn’t good or bad. It just is. Kind of like our own world. It’s something in between, both joyous and painful. What if the story we’re being told is about how these particular characters – Team Cockroach - challenge and upend a false ethical system in which all creatures in the story are caught?

How to live an ethical life? is a big question that is the wrong question. It posits an either/or world. Human life can be reduced to that, but it is always a reduction based on a lie. We are capable of choosing to see life’s geography - its systems, quandaries, and mysteries - through both/and language. The Christian theology of the Incarnation reminds me that not having all the answers is not only okay, but natural. Life does not occur by knowing the rules and then following them or not. Good living is like good language. It is concrete, small, and embodied. Somehow, it also touches on things bigger than ourselves like love and friendship and the ability to not only change - but transform. 

Why would a fictional after-life be any different?

[thesportssoundoff]

What Went Wrong: A Belated NFL Black Monday Piece

Joey

Jan 11th

Black Monday in the NFL came and went and despite my best inclinations to write a somethin', I had a nothin' to offer. In many ways, most of the firings were easy enough to figure out. Guys who probably deserved to get canned did get canned. Teams that felt the pressure to save their fanbases made the moves to do so. All in all, it was kind of an expected grouping of firings when you add in the in season removals of Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy and Cleveland coach Hue Jackson. So since it's been a while, I wanted to approach this from a different perspective. Here I want to talk about the eight coaching jobs, what went wrong (on a grander level) and what their replacements need to do to avoid suffering a similar fate. Hold onto ya butts, folks:

Cleveland Hue Jackson

What Went Wrong: Everything

Seriously. Cleveland hired Hue Jackson under the philosophy of taking a long and painful route to relevancy, amassing draft picks, essentially tanking without admitting and hoping that Hue Jackson could in theory keep the organization stable enough until the time came. Depending on who you ask, Cody Kessler was either Hue's idea or some massive analytics based gamble that backfired on Sashi Brown and company, made worse by Cleveland trading BACK in the draft and away from the likes of Carson Wentz. At the end of the day, the plan had some merit to it (as seen by the successes of Sam Heinke and the 76ers eventually) but like most plans that require patience, that patience eventually runs out pretty quickly. It doesn't help that giving Hue Jackson, a guy who was fired from the Raiders after an 8-8 season where undisciplined penalty laden football marred progress, a young team and expecting him to get them up to speed to become eventual contenders was probably a bad idea overall. The arrival of former Kansas City Chiefs GM John Dorsey meant that the patience was out and Hue needed to produce something, especially when hiring a proven OC in Todd Haley and #1 overall pick Baker Mayfield. This job was going to be lost eventually but when Baker looked flat and the team continued to play this broken level of uninspired play, the plug was pulled. Everything that could've gone wrong in Cleveland did go wrong under the watchful eye of Hue Jackson and while I don't fault a guy for taking a gig, immediately jumping over to Marvin Lewis and the Bengals as an assistant probably did little to squash the belief that Jackson was a weasel of sorts who had no problem looking out for #1 at the expense of everyone else. It would take a novel to state everything what went wrong from 2016 to 2018 but just know that at the end of the day, nobody stood up for Hue Jackson when he was ousted and the team took off when he was shown the door.

Enter: Freddie Kitchens

Kitchens' ascent from lowly RBs coach to offensive coordinator to head coach from Jan of 2018 to Jan of 2019 is shit straight out of Narcos. In many ways, I wonder if the thought process went a bit like this: Cleveland had a bunch of candidates in mind with the thought process being that they could find the best offensive mind for their bright generational QB. At the same time, teams began calling for Kitchens to potentially interview for either their head coaching gig or their offensive coordinator position. Cleveland wants to keep Kitchens, other teams want Kitchens and Cleveland probably wants a head coach who will keep Kitchens but can't find him. Cleveland looked around, realized the guy they wanted was probably  in house already and they didn't want to lose him SO Kitchens gets to be the head coach. Kitchens is actually surprisingly well traveled; a coach under the likes of Bill Parcells, Ken Whisenhunt and Bruce Arians. Kitchens and Mayfield created some beautiful magic together and so I imagine continuity (as well as a supremely improved offense) pushed Kitchens over the other candidates. There are three factors at play here; 1) Cleveland has expectations now. The 5-3 end of the year plus the young star QB who should only improve makes a lot of people believe you can win. Kitchens will probably not be afforded two abysmal years to figure it out the way that Hue Jackson was. 2) Kitchens has just 8 games worth of play calling experience to his name which means he's got a lot to learn in a short period of time. 3) Kitchens just canned Gregg Williams which means he'll need a new defensive guru of sorts to handle that side of the field.

Green Bay Packers Mike McCarthy

What Went Wrong: #12

Mike McCarthy deserves a lot of credit for what he did in Green Bay from milking the final years of elite play out of Brett Favre and then grooming Aaron Rodgers into one of the best QBs to ever play the game. I think people forget the job McCarthy and company did when the Packers lost seemingly half of their team to injuries and still won the Super Bowl in 2011 or how he got into the playoffs relying on Matt Flynn in 2013 when Rodgers got hurt. All things go sour eventually though and the whispers that Rodgers was carrying McCarthy year in and year out got a bit too loud. Those whispers combined with the body language yelling whenever Rodgers and McCarthy seemed to have something go wrong became a bit too much and so McCarthy's reign in Green Bay ended unceremoniously after a loss to lowly Arizona. McCarthy might just be a case of "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" and about how everybody in sports eventually gets tired of one another. Aaron Rodgers is a veteran QB who probably did plenty of checks and audibles at the LOS which in turn pissed McCarthy off and conversely I'm sure McCarthy's outdated gameplans and suspect development of talent over the past 2-3 years drove Rodgers crazy. McCarthy's outdated gameplans cost him in the end, especially when it became readily apparent that Rodgers' decline (be it due to age or injuries) made him incapable of overcoming those woes.

Enter: Matt LaFleur

Matt LaFleur's hiring is simple enough I suppose. Aaron Rodgers is in the twilight of an amazing career and "offensive guru" is a hot to trot catch all term. LaFleur cut his teeth under Kyle Shanahan and then moved onto Sean McVay before leaving for the Titans to call his own offense. It was an up and down run for him as the playcaller, probably hurt in no small part by the injuries to Marcus Mariota. LaFleur is a gamble on upside with a somewhat impatient QB who is battling the aging curve. It's a risky move but if LaFleur can get the best out of Rodgers before Father Time takes over? It just might be worth.

Denver Broncos Vance Joseph

What Went Wrong: 50% John Elway 50% In Game Management

Vance Joseph being tabbed to replace the retiring Gary Kubiak always felt like a somewhat shaky hire. Vance Joseph in my estimation was a totally qualified hire but perhaps not quite the hire needed for this specific team. John Elway's teams were mostly veteran squads headed up by veteran head coaches like John Fox and Gary Kubiak. Vance Joseph was a rookie head coach who had proven himself to be an adept and solid defensive coordinator riiiight when hiring THOSE kind of guys was going out of fashion. Elway hired a young coach and then gave him an aging offensive core, opening the pocket books to bring in veteran free agent talent that hasn't quite worked out. Of course we'd be here all day talking about the QB situation from sticking with Trevor Semian a bit too long to the Paxton Lynch draft spot (want to have a fun alternate history for a minute? Picture a world where the Cowboys actually successfully outbid Denver to get Paxton Lynch and Denver has to take another QB later on) to the Case Keenum gamble. Denver in a way tried to replicate the Cowboys formula; run the ball a lot, have a ball control QB and rely on a tremendous defense. It just didn't work as the offense struggled under Joseph (in large part due to the RBs not being Zeke, the QB not being Dak, the OL not being peak Dallas and Demariyus Thomas falling off) and his inability to figure out what he wanted out of Case Keenum throughout the season has left him out of a job and Denver in need of a new QB. Joseph was dealt a bad hand from Elway but in game management was such a glaring problem for Denver, often made worse by their team absolutely not showing up in prime time games. Vance Joseph was the wrong guy for this job and then proceeded to remind people of that every single time he made a bad decision late in games.

Enter: Vic Fangio

First the obvious; Vic Fangio has paid his dues, done his part and at 60 years old, it's very much now or never for an NFL lifer. I have zero qualms with Denver hiring him. I just hope he's being hired because he's the guy they want and not because they had this compulsion to keep Gary Kubiak in some sort of capacity. If Vic Fangio edged out Mike Munchak because one was fine with Kubiak and the other wasn't then it's a bad call. If that's the case then just hire Kubiak to be your head coach again because this sort of helicopter head coaching is sort of unnecessary. Fangio and Kubiak make for a very old duo but also a very credible couple of coaches at the top of the helm. If they manage to get Ed Donatell to become the defensive coordinator then you're now talking about three qualified long term NFL lifers running a young roster.  It's a gutsy move by Elway at a time where young hip offensive minded coaches are all the rage. Hopefully it works out better than Vance Joseph did.

New York Jets Todd Bowles

What Went Wrong: Bad drafting + bad optics

I think Todd Bowles is somewhat of an overmaligned figure in Jets land. After the Rex Ryan Era, the more low key Bowles was probably more of an overreaction to not having to deal with Ryan's madness anymore. Todd had tremendous success in his first season and rallied the Jets to a 10-6 record before the wheels fell apart. In a large part, the talent fell apart around Bowles and the QB situation never truly situated itself with veterans not being good enough and the Jets spending actual draft capital on guys like Christian Hackenberg and Bryce Petty. Bad draft picks led to bad talent on the field which in turn led to the optics. The Jets in 2016 and 2017 seemed to end every year with people wondering about why the Jets looked so disinterested and broken under Bowles, complete with plenty of shots of Woody Johnson's stadium looking emptier and emptier as the year went on. Bowles entered 2018 as basically a dead man walking with a rookie QB and a brand new fill in offensive coordinator. Bowles did about as well as he could but by week 10 or so, the writing was on the wall. Bowles' laid back persona compiled with the Jets' lethargic October and November painted the picture of a team that had given up and given in.

Enter: Adam Gase

The Jets candidates for the most part all have a similar theme. They're offensive minded QB whisperers; guys like Jim Caldwell, Mike McCarthy, Kliff Kingsbury, Adam Gase and Todd Monken. Some are old, some are young, some are retreads and some are college guys (Matt Rhule and the aforementioned Kingsbury). Kris Richard, Dallas DB coach and playcaller, is the only defensive guy to this point who seems to have a shot. The Jets want somebody who a) fits the New York atmosphere that for some reason seems to be harder to figure out than any other spotlight seemingly and b) a coach who can connect with young talented arm Sam Darnold. They'll see if Adam Gase is that dude.

Arizona Cardinals Steve Wilks

What Went Wrong: The defensive guy didn't have a good defense

Black Monday brought a lot of very open discussion about the fact that the famed cut down day for coaches featured five African American coaches getting canned. Of the crew, I feel like Wilks is the one where there is a justifiable grudge to be had. Steve Wilks inherited a middle of the road team that embraced a full rebuild when they moved up to grab Sam Darnold and let some of their star defensive players walk. In response, Wilks was given an undermanned team with a broken Sam Bradford and a green Josh Rosen behind him with some sketchy coordinators to keep everything afloat. It didn't work out, the Cardinals were jabroni'd for pretty much the first eight weeks of the season and OC Mike McCoy got canned halfway through the year even if Byron Leftwich wasn't much better. Cardinals star RB David Johnson struggled after a big deal, defensive players were unhappy with just about everything, Josh Rosen looked horrendous for 85% of the snaps he was on the field for and the Cardinals OL was rough in all facets of the game. I believe Wilks deserved another year (only because of what was given to him at the onset) but if you get the 1st overall pick, you clearly did nothing right during the season. I bet if Wilks' defense wasn't the worst in the league and he fielded a competitive defense while going through rookie QB growing pains then I'd feel pretty confident about his chances to stick around. As it is, he's gone and per the GM, it boiled down to a disagreement on what Wilks considered to be the plan of attack for 2019. Still how do you allow the GM who put this situation together AND chose the head coach to pick the next guy? That's some utter tripe.

Enter: Kliff Kingsbury

We can begin with the obvious reasons for why this move doesn't make any sense. For starters, Kingsbury was just an average head coach at Texas Tech. You can give me plenty of excuses for that record of 35-40 ranging from "It's hard to recruit in Texas when you're not the top school" or "The defenses were bad!" but the record speaks for itself and isn't his job to a) figure out recruiting and b) find a way to fix your defense? I mean Mike Leach and Tommy Tuberville both won more games than Kingsbury at Texas Tech. The question is whether Kingsbury can find a way to get Josh Rosen back to UCLA levels and still somehow win at the NFL level despite his lack of success at the collegiate level.  The Cardinals weren't the only team willing to take the plunge obviously but they'll be the ones who get laughed at if this doesn't work.

(Also real quick let's take a second to acknowledge either the absurdity of this situation or the honesty of at least one NFL team to embrace the change here. After years of hearing how QBs and OL and WRs were being hampered by collegiate schemes, we now have pro teams hiring college coaches to run their gimmicked offenses at the NFL level because they can't develop QBs or OL anymore at the pro level. Either the NFL has learned its lesson or it's just about given up. Either one is an acceptable choice.)

Cincinnati Bengals Marvin Lewis

What Went Wrong: Everything over time

Kudos to the Bengals organization for their loyalty to Marvin Lewis, likely in no small part due to Marvin rebuilding that franchise and then keeping them stable from the Palmer to the Dalton eras. I have zero doubt that Lewis is a good coach but like Mike McCarthy, eventually you run out of rope and time. It didn't help that Lewis was incapable of stopping the gradual decline from consistent playoff team (lack of success aside) to mediocre team, in no small part due to his inability to replenish the well along the coaching staff. Marvin Lewis was just too old, too stubborn and too incapable to overcome the changing NFL scene.

Enter: ?

The current word is the Bengals are looking at Rams QB coach/passing game coordinator Zac Taylor. Taylor was a disaster as the Dolphins interim OC under Dan Campbell but resurrected his stock as a key hand in the development of Jared Goff as well as his tutoring under Tommy Tuberville in Cincy. Taylor is at least an intriguing hire as a 35 year old passing game guru and, of course, the Bengals could be back on the market for a QB eventually as Andy Dalton enters his age 31 season.

Tampa Bay Dirk Koetter

What Went Wrong: The QB

Lovie Smith and Dirk Koetter ultimately shared the same fate after all. Despite paying Smith a lot of money and giving him the keys to the kingdom, Smith was gone after two seasons and Dirk Koetter was retained by Tampa Bay due to the feeling that 1) they were going to lose him elsewhere and 2) he could get the most out of #1 overall pick Jameis Winston. He couldn't. Winston off the field was a mess and on the field he didn't fare much better either. When you're the QB guru and the star QB has to be benched, you're probably going to get fired. It doesn't help that Koetter and chosen defensive coordinator Mike Smith struggled to field a competent defense for three years.

Enter: Bruce Arians

This...is interesting. Arians is a pretty damn proven and downright solid head coach who has technically won in two different locations (Indianapolis as an interim coach and in Arizona). Arians' health and his declining results in Arizona led to a year in the booth for Bruce but now it seems like he thinks he's ready to handle it again. Arians teams have only finished under .500 once at the pro level and while his success is somewhat overstated recently, there's no doubt that Arians will bring stability and fire to an organization that has felt marred with drama under Koetter.

Miami Dolphins Adam Gase

What Went Wrong: Greg Schiano-itis

It would be far too easy and perhaps even a touch unfair to simply say that Gase's problem is his player-coach marriage to Ryan Tannehill. A coach getting hooked on a QB and believing he can unlock him leads to a lot of firings and Gase may be no different. Gase's bigger problem, at least from my standpoint, is a problem most coaches have in various forms or fashions. I'll use Greg Schiano as an example because he's the one that's more readily apparent to me. Schiano took a bad going nowhere spot in Tampa Bay (Raheem Morris had 3-13 and 4-12 sandwiched around 10-6) and with a young roster, Schiano improved them to 7-9. That improvement combined with what most people consider to be a natural tendency to be a bit of a dick, lead to Schiano getting more egotistical and more aggressive as a coach. The second year everything cratered and Schiano was fired. Adam Gase took over a Miami Dolphins club that had gone through a pretty rough run over Tony Sparano and then interim coach Dan Campbell. Gase started off poorly and then earned some plaudits for cutting offensive linemen mid week after Ryan Tannehill had been pretty much caved in by pass rushers. A winning streak followed and Gase made the playoffs in his rookie year----but that apparently led to Gase becoming more and more of an authoritarian. Players seemed to hate him (There wasn't much love for Adam Gase after his firing with key offensive players past and present openly gloating about his removal) and the owner got tired of Gase seemingly toward the end of the season. That to me strikes me as a coach who got a little too successful early on and struggled when the NFL eventually humbled him as is often the case if you don't have Tom Brady.

Enter: ?

The Dolphins head coaching interview list reads like a true mish mash. Offensive coordinator Dowell Loggains, special teams coach Darren Rizzi, Pats defensive ace Brian Flores and Cowboys play caller/secondary coach Kris Richard seem to be the candidates in the running and so you've got two holdovers, one guy hoping to become a winning member of the Bill B coaching tree and Kris Richard who helped take the Cowboys defense to new heights in 2018. All seem logical----but none seem like any sort of a pattern or a theme is emerging. Maybe that's the best way to go instead of trying to force a fit because you NEED a QB guru.

[newyorktheater]

It was a good week to test your view of New York — the 1990s Bohemia  presented in Rent Live on Fox (which was largely Rent Recorded), or the grittier view expressed by the city’s teenagers in “Generation NYZ,” part of Ping Chong’s Undesirable Elements series at LaMaMa?  How about by the African-American playwrights of the Fire this Time Festival? The truth is, in some ways, all of these share the sardonic and romantic view of the city by Rodgers and Hart in the 1920s, as presented by Santino Fontana as part of the Lyrics and Lyricists series at the 92nd Street Y? (It’s very fancy on old Delancey Street, you know/The subway charms us so.)

  Week in New York Theater Reviews and Previews

Generation NYZ

To the seven young performers who tell the stories of their lives in “Generation NYZ,” New York means subways and pizza and opportunity, but also cops and catcalling and homelessness.

They are all New Yorkers, but — as they recount for us over the course of 70 increasingly engaging minutes — either they or their parents or grandparents came from somewhere else. They tell, in other words, the story of New York, and of America.

.@BrandonVDixon, national treasure.#RentLive pic.twitter.com/RFzZ8ROjeq

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 28, 2019

Rent Live

I had worried that, in Rent Live,  Fox television would ruin Jonathan Larson’s musical about bohemian life in the East Village of the 1980s by bowdlerizing it. I felt it worth watching anyway because its cast of celebrated young screen stars and recording artists would make the most of the catchy tunes.

As it turns out, it wasn’t the redacted content but rather a bad break and a series of poor choices that made “Rent” disappointing. And though the cast was clearly full of talent, only a few standouts brought it home in any memorable way. Brandon Victor Dixon, the one performer with the most live theater experience, floored us as Tom Collins,

We’ll Have Manhattan: Rodgers and Hart in New York

When at the age of 17 composer Richard Rodgers met 24-year-old lyricist Lorenz Hart in 1919, he instantly acquired “a career, a partner, a best friend and a source of permanent irritation.”

So Rodgers wrote, in one of the many tidbits Santino Fontana tells us in “We’ll Have Manhattan: Rodgers and Hart in New York,” Fontana’s celebration, as part of the 92ndStreet Y’s Lyrics & Lyricists series, of the hundredth anniversary of Rodgers and Hart’s partnership

    God Said This

Leah Nanako Winkler was sitting on the couch in her mother’s hospital room in Kentucky while her mother was undergoing chemotherapy for a form of cancer called carcinosarcoma, when the playwright started writing what became God Said This. “It just came out.”

The play, now on stage at the Cherry Lane Theater through February 15, revolves around Masako, a Japanese-born mother who is undergoing chemotherapy for carcinosarcoma, and explores the effect of her illness on her family.

The Fire This Time Festival

Over the past decade, the annual festival, created to showcase early-career playwrights of African and African-American descent, has presented some of the first New York plays of such now-celebrated writers as Katori Hall (known for such later works as The Mountaintop and Our Lady of Kibeho), Dominique Morisseau (Pipeline, Skeleton Crew  and the book for the forthcoming Broadway musical “Ain’t Too Proud”), and Jocelyn Bioh (School Girls or the African Mean Girls Play) .

This year’s offerings are not particularly political, although they do touch (often obliquely) on issues as varied as gentrification, immigration, protest, feminism, homophobia, and affirmative action.

Ruthie Ann Miles as Immigration Judge Craig Zerbe

The Courtroom

Elizabeth Keathley moved to the United State from the Philippines, married an American, and three years later registered to vote, even though she was not yet a citizen. As a result, the government ordered her deported.

“The Courtroom”is a re-enactment by Waterwell theater company of her deportation proceedings,  using the transcript as edited by Arian Moayed, directed by Waterwell’s artistic director Lee Sunday Evans, with Ruthie Ann Miles as Immigration Judge Craig Zerbe, and Kathleen Chalfant as Chief Judge Frank H. Easterbrook for the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit. The play is being presented for free through February 1 in a series of court-like settings

Red State Blue State

Near the end of Colin Quinn’s stand-up comedy, which promises to “lay bare the absurdities…on both sides of the political divide,” the Saturday Night Live alumnus manages to insult every single state of the union…It’s a baffling routine, almost tedious and even tacky…emblematic of Quinn’s enterprise….hit or miss and a missed opportunity.

Week in New York Theater News

Alanis Morissette

Anais Mitchell

Melissa Etheridge

Michael Jackson

“Jagged Little Pill” is coming to Broadway. The musical by Alanis Morissette @based on her 1995 album, put together after she was robbed at gunpoint. will open sometime in Fall, 2019, directed by Diane Paulus, who directed it for the American Repertory Theater last year.  Cast, dates and specific theater to be determined.

  When it opens on Broadway April 17, @Hadestown will feature the same cast that just appeared in London’s @NationalTheatre: left to r: @pagepatrick, #AmberGray, @Andre_DeShields, @EvaNoblezada @reevecarney pic.twitter.com/NgMmBsG3X4

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 28, 2019

.@metheridge will provide the score to a musical based on the 1988 movie Mystic Pizza, the first time we noticed Julia Roberts! MT They are writing the script now and I am looking forward to getting to work on it pic.twitter.com/3xMQCAfJwa

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 22, 2019

The Michael Jackson musical, @dontstoponbway (Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough) premieres Oct 29 – Dec at the James M. Nederlander Theatre (@broadwaychicago) before a 2020 Broadway run. Book by @Lynnbrooklyn ! Music by the King of Pop pic.twitter.com/jShiAsLdnk

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 23, 2019

.@AudraEqualityMc & Michael Shannon will star in a revival of Terrence McNally’s Frankie and Johnny in the Clare de Lune @fandjbway . Starts in May, 2019 for 16 weeks at a Shubert theater on Broadway. Details to come pic.twitter.com/2gHdflj3SG

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 23, 2019

Thanks @USPS for this new postage stamp of Broadway’s own Gregory Hines, Tony winner for “Jelly’s Last Jam.” He died in 2003 of cancer at age 57 pic.twitter.com/nbFRnATWel

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 28, 2019

Finalists for the 2019 Susan Smith Blackburn Prize, honoring women playwrights

Jackie Sibblies Drury

Ella Dickson

Lily Padilla

Martyna Majok

Nina Raine

Ella Road

Heidi Schreck

Lauren Yee

Hilary Bettis  (U.S.)- 72 miles to go…

Jackie Sibblies Drury (U.S.)- Fairview

debbie tucker green (U.K.)-  ear for eye

Ella Hickson (U.K.)- The Writer

Martyna Majok (U.S.)- Sanctuary City

Lily Padilla (U.S.)- How to Defend Yourself

Nina Raine  (U.K.)- Stories

Ella Road (U.K.)-The Phlebotomist

Heidi Schreck (U.S.)- What the Constitution Means to Me

Lauren Yee (U.S.)- Cambodian Rock Band

.@magicmikebway, a musical that’s touted as a prequel to the Magic Mike movies, Nov 30, 2019- Jan 5, 2020 @EmColonial in Boston prior to an expected Broadway run. Music by the Next to Normal team pic.twitter.com/JfC6gyXU3e

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 24, 2019

the third annual WOW – Women of the World Festival. March 12-17@ApolloTheater “Performances, conversation, activism.”https://t.co/3x7F0eP5yM pic.twitter.com/1y10Y8S7I2

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 24, 2019

House Seats, a series that’s part of @ThirteenWNET‘s forthcoming streaming service @AllArtsTV, will launch Feb 3 w/ screening of @TheaterofWar‘s #AntigoneinFerguson. I saw the play in a playground in Brownsville in 2017, & wrote about it for @HowlRound:https://t.co/iDapHiXSxP pic.twitter.com/fYEnCiOYCp

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 24, 2019

Applications to compete in the 2019 @RogerReesAwards for Excellence in Student Performance are being accepted until Feb 4 at https://t.co/gAN1zmqZBa pic.twitter.com/t6dFM5X7gv

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 24, 2019

What Should We Do About Scandalous Artists? Accusations of misconduct against beloved creators are changing the way we think about genius

today as in the past, one of the most visible ways that our culture negotiates changing ideas about morality is by thinking about art and artists. Is an artist’s work tainted by his personal wrongdoing? Should we give honor and respect to people who excel in their art but are deficient in what we consider ordinary morality? These questions have been at the heart of modern thinking about art since the 19th century; but since the advent of the #MeToo movement, they have begun to receive new kinds of answers.

if Oscar Wilde’s case were being tried today, he might once again be widely scorned—not because the prostitutes he patronized were male, but because they were young, poor and powerless. The hostile gossip that surrounded him at the time, English critic Kate Hext writes, “would be nothing compared to the long lenses and comments section of Daily Mail Online, or the verdicts of social media.”

REST IN PEACE

RIP Kaye Ballard, 93, Broadway veteran (The Golden Apple, Carnival, The Pirates of Penzance), familiar face on TV, funny lady. She was impersonating Maurice Chevalier at age 5)https://t.co/6cMmnOm1ji pic.twitter.com/yfSs5MZk1L

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 22, 2019

RIP JoJo Smith, 80, Broadway veteran, dancer and choreographer. @msdebbieallen‘s teacher, #JohnTravolta‘s dance consultant on #saturdaynightfever pic.twitter.com/URzdmuj9D2

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater)

RIP JoJo Smith, 80, Broadway veteran, dancer and choreographer. @msdebbieallen‘s teacher, #JohnTravolta‘s dance consultant on #saturdaynightfever pic.twitter.com/URzdmuj9D2

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) January 28, 2019

Rockers on Broadway: Alanis, Anaïs, Melissa and Michael Jackson. New York on Stage: Rent, Generation NYZ, Rodgers and Hart. #Stageworthy News of the Week It was a good week to test your view of New York -- the 1990s Bohemia  presented in Rent Live on Fox (which was largely Rent Recorded), or the grittier view expressed by the city's teenagers in "Generation NYZ," part of Ping Chong's Undesirable Elements series at LaMaMa?  

[thefilmsimps]

The Night Comes for Us (dir. Timo Tjahjinto)

-Jere Pilapil

Well, if nothing else comes of the Train to Busan remake, at least it got me to check out some of Timo Tjahjanto’s work. He’d gained some reputation as an excellent action movie director, and I’m here to tell you it’s well worth the hype.

The Night Comes for Us is, after a long wind up, an incredible series of action movie ideas strung together one after the other. Fight scenes blur together into more fight scenes and kills stack on top of kills on top of kills. It’s one of those movies where you wonder what will kill the main character, and the only real answer is “if the movie doesn’t make enough money to make another”. It stars Joe Taslim of The Raid as Ito, an elite Triad enforcer who saves a girl instead of murdering her (he and his fellow Triad elite Six Seas team killed her whole village before that, but I guess that village was one girl too big for his conscience to handle). Of course, the Triad wants no witnesses, and Ito and the girl spend the movie trying to survive endless killers trying to get them both.

Ito fights some goons in a butcher shop, featuring some intense and creative fight choreography (and gore, so, so much gore). His friends - a group he abandoned prior to events of the movie - protect the girl in yet another fight scene (this one featuring record breaking amounts of getting out of trouble by grabbing a big piece of glass off the floor and stabbing a dude head to toe). There’s a violent scene in a parking garage. It just careens seamlessly from setpiece to setpiece, the way the best action movies do.

Until it doesn’t. My big criticism, basically, is that it stops dead to explain Ito’s past and his relationship with Arian (played by Iko Uwais, also of The Raid), plus what happened in the village. It also starts with a slow pace, setting up Ito’s past associations, the Triad, etc. This shit, more or less, doesn’t matter. The Night Comes for Us is best seen as a series of cool-looking characters doing exceedingly cool stabbing and beating. The explanations are extraneous, and these characters aren’t deep enough to warrant more than a monologue with emotive music to get the backstory out of the way. I know I’m usually a “show don’t tell” guy, but just tell me if I can tell your heart is in showing me something else.

This all leads to a big fight scene, of course. After the wildness of the rest of the movie, though, it’s kind of underwhelming as a climax. The rhythm of this movie reminds me of a trick pro wrestling events do, where an event will have shorter, faster matches to start and the main event is a big emotional story. Maybe, say, John Cena and Roman Reigns are not the fastest most agile guys in the WWE right now, but they do the best job conveying a story through their characters. The climax of The Night Comes for Us falls a little flat because the characters aren’t fleshed out enough to justify the big final fight (and the attempt to flesh them out is probably drowned out by my catching my breath).

But Timo Tjahjinto is a very talented action director, in his own right. The point of these things isn’t the characters, per se, but what the characters do (and how cool they look doing it). I think the best movies can change the way you look at the world. In this case, there isn’t some deeper meaning or philosophical point, but it’s fucking sick as fuck, and I will for sure not be seeing glass/pool tables/cars/air conditioners the same way ever again.

8.5/10

[junker-town]

Is Josh Rosen a victim of circumstance or just bad?

Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images

Josh Rosen’s NFL career crashed and burned. Can he redeem it?

On Tuesday the San Francisco 49ers waived quarterback Josh Rosen. The move came after Rosen said publicly that he wasn’t getting many opportunities for snaps in training camp. It marked his fourth team in four years — a precipitous tumble after being a top 10 pick in the 2018 NFL Draft.

Is this the end of the road for Rosen? Is this simply a case of a highly-touted passer being a bust, or could he turn it around? Is Rosen a victim of circumstance, or his own hubris? The answer to all this, as far as we know, is complicated. However, the NFL is a league of reclamation projects and coaches who believe they can get it right, where others went wrong. This means Rosen can, and should be able to find a new home — albeit it would need to be the right one.

Rosen was drafted by the wrong team, at the wrong time

At the end of the 2017 season the Cardinals were in dire need of soul searching. Vaunted head coach Bruce Arians had just announced his retirement from the NFL following the 2017 season, and it was unclear what caliber of candidate the oft-laughing stock of the NFL could attract, especially with several teams needing coaches.

Rather than a deep, traditional coaching search, general manager Steve Keim found inspiration in a rather odd place.

Recently on vacation, a person walked up to #AZCardinals GM Steve Keim and introduced himself. On a beach in the Carolinas, Keim was blown away by this impressive dude. It was Panthers DC Steve Wilks... who Keim is expected to hire as his new head coach.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) January 22, 2018

With just one year of experience as Carolina’s defensive coordinator (taking over for Sean McDermott who went to Buffalo) the Cardinals hired Wilks, a Ron Rivera protege, to lead the team. Desperate to make his own mark, Wilks tried to land his franchise quarterback in his first draft, selecting Josh Rosen with the 10th overall pick.

There was debate over who the best prospect would be in a QB-heavy top-10. Baker Mayfield was the safest choice at No. 1, followed by a lot of players with upside, but considerable risk. Sam Darnold went to the Jets, Josh Allen to the Bills, and Rosen rounded out the group — though many felt he might end up being the best quarterback in the class. Still, the major reservation was that Rosen needed to become a leader, act more mature. Make no mistake: The idea of a quarterback needing “maturity” isn’t a new one, heck, it was one of the primary reasons Aaron Rodgers fell in the 2005 NFL Draft

The Cardinals started the season in an 0-3 hole, with a disastrous start by start Sam Bradford. It meant Rosen was thrust into a starting role he really wasn’t ready for, as Wilks was ready to sink or swim with this pick.

Arizona sunk.

There weren’t many bright spots for Rosen. He led the Cardinals to a gutsy win in Week 8 against the 49ers, the again in Week 12 against the Packers — but didn’t look very convincing along the way. When the dust settled the Cardinals were terrible once again, and Wilks was fired when the team realized they could land a major prize: Kliff Kingsbury.

One of the hottest prospective coaches in the league, fans salivated over Kingsbury bringing his up-tempo Texas Tech offense to the NFL. Arizona had the No. 1 pick, and the perfect big-armed quarterback to execute his vision in Kyler Murray.

Suddenly Rosen wasn’t just on the outs, he never even figured into the equation.

Taking his talents to South Beach

At this point we’ve established that Rosen, a once-promising prospect, needed maturity and support around him. Instead he was traded to the Dolphins, a team that had Ryan Fitzpatrick, and a handful of magic beans left by Adam Gase. Incoming head coach Brian Flores had a ton of potential and promise, but he wasn’t given the opportunity to find “his guy.”

Rosen was absolutely awful in his limited opportunities, once again thrust into a starting role he wasn’t ready for — this time on a team with even less talent than the one he left.

The Dolphins finished with a top five pick, selecting Tua Tagovailoa. Rosen’s time in Miami was done.

Let the bouncing begin ...

Rosen then signed with the Buccaneers on their practice squad before being released. The 49ers signed him, even inking him to a one-year contract extension following the 2020 season. It was a sign that maybe, finally, the quarterback had found a home.

Then San Francisco drafted Trey Lance. For the third time in his career it appeared Rosen might have a shot, only for a team to draft a new franchise quarterback to take his reps. Early in camp Rosen was given credit by coach Kyle Shanahan, who then said he’d “taken a few steps back.” Rosen was honest about his struggles, saying it was due to being constantly on edge.

“I don’t really get many reps in practice so you just have to sort of weather the emotional roller coaster when one or two out of your three throws in live team reps aren’t very good.”

Now, Rosen is looking for a new place to land. Time will tell if he finds a place.

There are teams who should ABSOLUTELY take a flier on Josh Rosen

Look, up to this point, there’s very little reason to believe Rosen can be an NFL star. The few opportunities he had were decidedly bad, but there’s no denying there is potential there.

This is a player who had a clearly laid out path to success, and never got it. Rosen needed to go to a veteran team, with established talent, and a place where he could sit, learn the locker room culture, and buy into the plan with consistency. He has never, ever had that. Rosen has also been constantly cast aside in favor of rookie talent.

In the 2021 NFL Draft we saw several teams with veteran quarterbacks pass on taking a rookie. The Falcons, Rams, Vikings, and Steelers are all organizations that could, and should, roll the dice on bringing Rosen in, because there’s absolutely no risk. In each of these cases he would be able to sit on a veteran team, with established QB leadership, and learn.

Is it likely Rosen is simply a bust? Sure. Is there a chance, however slim, he could prove useful to a team? Also yes. I mean heck, if Sam Darnold, Dwayne Haskins, and Nathan Peterman can get chances to keep playing, so should Josh Rosen.

Personally, I think it’s worth a roll of the dice.

[ebaeschnbliah]

THE  MYSTERIES  OF  VULCAN  PHYSIOLOGY

________________________________________________________________

"He'll live or die now, Jim. I don't know which."

It's STAR TREK ... Dr.McCoy speaking .... and the one whose life is hanging by a thread is Mr.Spock.  TOS Series  'A private little war'  (Script)

And maybe this has also to do with Sherlock BBC. But first .... let's boldly go .... and explore some interesting details about the Vulcan physiology.  :)))

Mr.Spock gets hit by a bulled in the back. Fortunately his Vulcan physiology is different and his heart is located where his liver should be.

Otherwise he would be dead by the time Captain Kirk and Dr.McCoy are able to bring him back to the Enterprise.

Kirk has to return to the planet and he needs McCoy by his side. So the badly wounded Mr.Spock stays in the capable hands of Dr.M'Benga, who interned on a Vulcan ward. Therefore he knows exactly what he is dealing with.

The indicators over Spock's bed are very low. Nurse Chapel is holding his hand, but puts it down quickly when the door opens.

M'BENGA: Don't let these low panel readings bother you. I've seen this before in Vulcans. It's their way of concentrating all their strength, blood, and antibodies onto the injured organs. A form of self-induced hypnosis. CHAPEL: You mean he's conscious? M'BENGA: Well, in a sense. He knows we're here and what we're saying, but he can't afford to take his mind from the tissue he's fighting to heal. I suppose he even knows you were holding his hand. (leaves) CHAPEL: A good nurse always treats her patients that way. It proves she's interested.

The markers on the indicator board above Spock's head are going up and down like crazy.

CHAPEL: The readings are beginning to fluctuate. M'BENGA: Just as they should. (to Spock) This is Doctor M'Benga. There will be someone with you constantly now. When the time comes, I'll be called. (to Chapel) As soon as he shows any signs of consciousness, call me immediately. CHAPEL: Yes, Doctor. M'BENGA: After you've called me, if he speaks, do whatever he says. CHAPEL: Do whatever he says? M'BENGA: Yes. That's clear enough, isn't it?

Spock starts gasping for air.

SPOCK: Nurse. CHAPEL: Yes? SPOCK: Hit me. The pain will help me to consciousness. Hit me. CHAPEL: Hit you? No! I can't SPOCK: Blast you, strike me! If I don't regain consciousness soon, it may be too late. Hit me. (Nurse Chapel  slaps his face softly)

SPOCK: Harder!   (She does, with tears in her eyes.) SPOCK: Again. Continue. The pain will help me to consciousness. SCOTT: (running in and dragging her forcefully away) What are you doing, woman?

CHAPEL: Leave me alone! SCOTT: Have you gone daft? CHAPEL: Mister Spock needs me! Let go! 

M'Benga rushes in and helps Spock to sit up before giving him some pretty vicious hits across the face.

Scott stares, astonished and speechless. And even nurse Chapel is quite stunned about the violent force with which the doctor is treating his patient.

Finally Spock grabs M'Benga's arm.

 SPOCK: That will be quite enough. Thank you, doctor. 

M'BENGA (to Scott): Please, release her. SCOTT: What's this all about? SPOCK: She was doing as I requested, Mister Scott. A Vulcan form of self-healing. M'BENGA: As you saw, they must wait until the last possible moment then fight their way back to consciousness. CHAPEL: Here, let me help you, Mister Spock. SPOCK (detached as usual): Thank you, nurse. I'm quite fully recovered. CHAPEL (possibly with a little bit of teeth grinding :)): Yes, I see you are.

So much for the discovery that sometimes hitting and slapping is actually a Vulcan form of self-healing .... pain as a means to snap out of a self-induced hypnosis ..... well, well ....

Sherlock BBC, THOB ... "Yeah, all right, Spock, just .."

“He (Sherlock) wants to rise above us like a snowcapped mountain, but he’s actually a volcano.“     Steven Moffat  (IGN interview, February 2014)

A volcano ... or perhaps a Vulcan after all?   ".. there were times I didn’t even think you were human ..."  (John, TRF)    Anyway ....

It happens several times in the course of this story that Sherlock gets slapped or punched in the face. It's always either John or Molly who do it. And Sherlock never makes a great effort to put up a fight or defend himself ... if at all. (I don't count Irene in this matter because she uses a tool - the riding crop - and not her bare hand and also because this fight generally feels different in nature)

His Last Vow ... in the lab

Molly turns and walks over to face Sherlock, then slaps him hard around the face with her right hand. Mary, Bill and Isaac look over to them in surprise. Molly slaps him again just as hard and then, for good measure, slaps him again with her left hand. Sherlock blinks and grimaces. MOLLY: How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with? And how dare you betray the love of your friends?

This reminds me strongly of Sherlock's dialogue with Faith in TLD:

'“Taking your own life.” Interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it’s over, it’s not you who’ll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it.'

His Last Vow ... in CAMs Office

MOLLY: The impact isn’t spread over a wide area. It’s tightly focussed, so there’s little or no energy transfer. You stay still ... and the bullet pushes through. You’re almost certainly going to die, so we need to focus. She slaps him hard across the face. He hauls in a huge breath, his eyes snapping open as his head jerks to the side under her blow.

MOLLY: I said ... focus. She slaps him hard. His head snaps round under her blow.

The Lying Detective .... in the morgue

JOHN (yelling): What are you doing?!  ( He slaps Sherlock hard across the face with his right hand.)  Wake up!

JOHN: I hit him hard.  (John punches Sherlock right-handed with all his strength. Crying out, Sherlock falls to the floor. Gasping, he props himself up on his right arm, his nose bleeding)

And John continues hitting and kicking Sherlock with even more violent force than before. He seemingly can't stop himself anymore until he is forcfully dragged away from Sherlock. 

A Scandal in Belgravia ... the very first punch

SHERLOCK: Punch me in the face. JOHN: Punch you? SHERLOCK: Yes. Punch me, in the face. (He gestures to his left cheek again.) Didn’t you hear me?

JOHN: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ when you’re speaking, but it’s usually sub-text. SHERLOCK (exasperated): Oh, for God’s sake.

He punches John in the face. As John grunts in pain and reels from the blow, Sherlock shakes out his hand and then blows out a breath, bracing himself. John straightens up and immediately punches Sherlock. However, despite his anger – and his left-handedness – he does so right-handed and therefore strikes him on the left cheek just as Sherlock had indicated.

There are several Star Trek references woven into Sherlock BBC. The idea of pain as a means to snap out of a self-induced hypnosis is indeed an intersting one. This could be something .... or nothing ... who knows.

February, 2018

I leave you to your own deductions. Thanks @callie-ariane for the scripts.

@gosherlocked @loveismyrevolution @raggedyblue @possiblyimbiassed @sagestreet @sherlockshadow @tendergingergirl @sarahthecoat @mycroft-silently-judges-you @monikakrasnorada @tjlcisthenewsexy @221bloodnun @shylockgnomes @devoursjohnlock

[mara-lune]

Chapter 1: Chosen Soul

Kiya stands on the main balcony of the palace and watches the fireworks overhead.

Kiya: “It’s the perfect end to a great birthday! I can’t believe Mom threw a huge festival and invited everyone into the palace grounds!”

She looks down at the huge crowds gathered in the palace courtyard. ���Look at all those people down there. Every single one of them here for one thing: my birthday.” She turns and happily rushes back inside the palace and into the grand ballroom where the private celebration is being held. Amidst the crowd of party goers, Kiya finds her best friend, Ari, a girl her age with short red hair. Kiya grasps Ari’s hands and they twirl around together on the dance floor. “Ari, the fireworks have started! Come watch them with me!”

The two girls rush hand in hand through the crowd. Along the way, family and friends call their well wishes to her.

Uncle Arian: “Happy birthday, Princess Kiya!” Kiya: “Thank you, Uncle Arian!”

Queen Mazu: “Happy birthday, Your Majesty!”

Kiya: “Thank you, Queen Mazu!”

Malyn: “Happy birthday, Kiya!”

Kiya: “Thanks, Malyn! Come watch the fireworks with us! Oren, Gwyn, come with us!”

The group of friends continue through the room. Kiya spots a boy a couple of years older than her. “Kiro!” He turns to her and smiles. She runs to him and gives him a big hug. “I’m so glad you came!”

Kiro: “Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” He gives her a soft kiss on the forehead. Her friends giggle and a couple of them make smooching faces at them.

Kiya: “Kiro, the fireworks have started. Come watch them with me!”

Kiro: “I’ll be out there in a bit. I have something to go do first.”

Kiya: “Don’t be too long. I want to watch them together. I love fireworks!”

The group rush outside to the edge of the balcony and watch the colorful explosions over the palace grounds. They marvel at each burst and point out their favorite ones to each other.

Tiran approaches. “Happy birthday, Your Majesty. Are you enjoying your celebration?”

The children all turn to him and Kiya smiles. “Thank you, Tiran! This is incredible, I can’t believe you guys threw such a huge celebration for me. There must be thousands of people here for my birthday!”

Tiran: “But that’s not the only reason why they’re here, Kiya.”

Kiya: “What do you mean? There’s another reason?”

Tiran looks to her friends: “Children, there are some wonderful treats in the courtyard. You can get a great view of the fireworks from there, too.”

Kiya’s friends excitedly hurry down the balcony stairs while Kiya stays behind.

Tiran: “Today marks a new day. Today you will learn of your destiny.”

Kiya: “I have a destiny?”

Tiran: “Every generation on this planet has a protector - one who can save the planet from a horrible fate. A chosen soul to keep all of the living creatures safe from evil. Kiya, you are that soul.”

Kiya: “I’m… I’m the protector?”

Tiran: “Yes, and it is up to you to keep all of our citizens safe.”

Kiya: “But that’s nearly twenty billion lives! How come this is happening now? Why didn’t anyone tell me this sooner? I just turned fourteen, and suddenly I’m responsible for the lives of all of those people?”

Tiran: “It’s a tough burden, isn’t it? Forgive me for forcing you into this now. I know this is hard to believe, but you are the protector of this planet.” Kiya: “But why me? I can’t handle something so important like this! I wouldn’t even know how.”

Tiran: “I have faith in you.”

Kiya’s mother approaches. “And so do I, Kiya.”

Kiya: “Mother?”

Elyssia: “Tiran has told me everything. Long before you were born, he came to me and told me that you, my only child, would protect the planet.”

Kiya: “You knew?”

Tiran: “I know this is a lot to take in now. But we must start your training immediately. We don’t know if or when our planet could be in danger.”

Kiya: “I’ve heard of the protector before. It was, um, an elf before me, right?” Tiran: “Yes. You are the very first protector born from royal blood.” Elyssia: “That’s why I’ve had Tiran serving as a royal advisor all these years. He helped raise you, all the while secretly guiding your journey to prepare to protect us all.”

Kiya: “But if you both knew about me before I was even born, how come you’re only telling me now?”

Tiran: “Because the timing had to be right. If your fate was revealed to you before you’re trained, evil forces could have come after you when you were too young to fight. We couldn’t risk anything happening to you before you were ready.”

Kiya: “‘Anything happening to me’? What is going to happen to me?”

Tiran: “Hopefully nothing. Not every protector has to defend our home from evil, and not every evil is the same. There’s no way of knowing. But you have to be prepared for anything. That’s why there are many skills you will have to learn. You will become a pilot. You will learn swordsmanship and hand to hand combat. If there are any magical abilities in you, we will find them. And most importantly, you will learn how to become a leader.”

Kiya: “I’m already the princess! That automatically makes me the leader!”

Elyssia: “Not that way, Kiya. Your greatest lesson will be to learn the difference between simply being a princess - a title you were born into - and being a leader - a title you will earn.”

Kiya: “That’s the same thing. People already have to do what I tell them.”

Tiran: “No. A leader is someone who others trust with their lives. You must know how to command your followers, without simply ordering them around. You work them hard, but you reward them as well. And you work as hard as they do, if not moreso. You may have to lead the military into battle.”

Kiya: “I have to join the military!?”

Tiran smiles. “There’s a lot you have to do.”

Kiya: “Okay, well, what’s the worst thing that’s happened that a protector had to fight against? If I’m going to agree to this, I think I should know what I could be up against.”

Elyssia: “I’m afraid it’s not a choice, Kiya. It is the path that has been laid before you, predetermined by the stars and planets and forces far greater than we can know. If there’s anything that’s going to happen to this planet, it will be drawn to you. Tiran is just going to make sure that you are prepared.”

Tears start to well in Kiya’s eyes. Elyssia embraces her.

Tiran: “I’m sorry this is so overwhelming.”

Kiya looks up at the fireworks bursting in the night sky. “It’s okay.” She dries her eyes. “I think I can do this. I can do this.”

Tiran: “The last protector, Kitsu, fought against an evil sorceress. She tried to take over the planet several times, but was finally exiled long ago.”

Kiya: “A sorceress…”

Tiran: “She was relentless - driven by a cruel desire for wealth and beauty, which also turned out to be her downfall. Kitsu was able to use his powers to banish her to the far reaches of the galaxy. And you will be able to defend us just as he had.”

Kiya: “But I don’t have any powers.”

Tiran: “You don’t need to. Not every protector had magic abilities. Very few of them did, in fact.”

There is a pause as Kiya takes in everything she has just heard. “What kind of sorceress was she?”

Suddenly, a strong gust beats against the trio, almost knocking them backwards. Nesyra appears on the railing of the balcony in front of them. “So… Even after all these years you still remember me, Lord Tiran.”

Tiran: “Nesyra…”

Kiya: “Nesyra?”

Nesyra: “And you even remember my name! I’m touched.”

Tiran: “You’re back?”

Nesyra: “Don’t you think I was gone long enough? Thirty years is an awfully long time to be away. I was getting homesick.” she giggles.

Tiran: “What do you want, witch?”

Nesyra: “‘Witch’? Me? I just heard there was this fabulous party at the palace, and came to check it out. But when I got here, I could have sworn I heard you say something about the new protector.”

Tiran: “That’s right.”

Elyssia: “Kiya…”

Nesyra looks Kiya up and down. “Is this her? Aww, she’s so cute!” She hops off the railing and approaches Kiya. “What a cute little protector. Heh, and I thought Kitsu was adorable.” She notices Kiya’s frightened expression. “Look at her! Don’t tell me you’ve already scared her, Tiran.” She leans in close to Kiya and whispers in her ear with a smirk. “But don’t worry, I’m the least of your problems.” She strokes Kiya’s hair. “I’ve grown tired of trying to take over this planet. Especially since you’ll be up against something much scarier than me.”

Tiran throws a small energy blast at Nesyra. She leaps backward and lands on the balcony railing. Kiya stumbles backwards into Elyssia’s arms.

Tiran: “Stay away from her.”

Nesyra: “My, my. So temperamental. I wasn’t going to harm her, but don’t you think you should tell her that whatever is coming for her will be far worse than anything this planet has ever seen? Oh, whoops, I guess I just did.” She giggles.

Tiran steps between Nesyra and Kiya. “She will be just fine.”

Nesyra: “Suit yourself. Well, I can see I’m not really wanted here, so I must be going.” She turns and leaps off of the balcony and vanishes into the night.

Tiran: “Don’t worry about it, Kiya. She was just trying to scare you.” Tiran turns and notices Kiya’s look of terror and glares at her. She smiles and laughs awkwardly.

Kiro comes up the balcony stairs. “Princess! Are you okay? You look a little distraught.”

Kiya: “Kiro! No, I’m fine.”

Kiro: “I’m glad to hear that. I brought you a present.” He hands her a rose.

Kiya: “Oh?”

Kiro: “It’s in the north garden.”

Kiya: “Okay.”

Kiro escorts her down the stairs and around the palace. Kiya thinks to herself, I shouldn’t worry about the whole Nesyra thing. She wasn’t that scary! Besides, Nokiro’s here. He’ll fight for me. Won’t you, Kiro?

Kiro and Kiya make their way to the north garden, where Kiya is startled by the sight of a huge, bucking bird. Three Prepheria soldiers struggle with the ropes and reins that hold it down. “What is that??”

Kiro: “This is my present to you. Happy birthday, Kiya.”

[theswiftarmy]

POST #25 – Mr. Whittington’s Cat, I Presume?

“Stay here.”

“Billie, where are you going?”  Justin Bieber called after her.

“Just stay here!  Finneas and I will enter over there—” She pointed to a blocked off road lined with security guards and official looking individuals in event staff shirts, “We have to let them take our photos on the red carpet.  Wait, Justin, why am I telling YOU this, you know the red carpet deal, don’t make me say the word…”

“What word, you mean duh?”

“Duh!  Yes.”

“Oh yeah.  Yeah, I know the red carpet deal.”  He nodded.

The group nodded back, they all knew the deal.  Justin Bieber, Oak Felder, Pop Wansel, Scott Borchetta, Kanye West, Carl Lyle the lawyer (who’s last name is also coincidentally Lawyer), and Kymmie (The Teen Arianator and aspiring social media influencer) stood in a hiding spot near the chaotic crimson carpet.  Kymmie knew the deal not because she had gone through it before like the others, but because she had consumed so much media, both social and anti-social, that she knew way more than your average teenager could possibly know about the red carpet without so much as even stepping foot on it.  She imagined the bottom of her feet, one day, taking those very first steps onto the carpet.  That magic carpet ride.  That crimson carpet.  Oh, how she longed to be part of that crimson carpet club (as she had decidedly named it inside her head).  Oh how she longed to join those select few individuals around the world as a member of the exclusive red carpet club.  How many people in the world had walked on the red carpet?  Percentage wise?  It was a VERY exclusive club indeed.  So many people in the world, yet so few belonged to that Hollywood elite.  Oh how she dreamed one day that would be her.  She would make it happen, and she wouldn’t stop until she did.  She could see it, just across the way, so close, yet so far away.  All she knew was, she would get there one day.  She thought, it must be the most amazing experience ever!  The lawyer of course had been on what he called ‘red carpet duty’ on numerous occasions, because it was his job to be there.  It reminded him of being a Resident Assistant back in his college days, but for Hollywood stars instead of his fellow university classmates.  He found it to be the most boring of tasks he’d ever been assigned.  But when you work for The Whales of Hollywood you get assigned various overt and covert tasks of which you are required to complete.  Mostly it was boring legal stuff, like babysitting an uncooperative client to make sure they don’t say anything stupid to the press, just one whisper to their ear, was usually all it took, just a few words, very specific words.  He was told what to say by someone else, who told that person to say it, and someone told that person and so on and so forth… a whole whisper down the lane game.  It was entirely possible that Kymmie and the lawyer would cross paths one day on the red carpet in a completely different interaction.

“I’ll call you, Justin, don’t go anywhere until you get my call.  Okay?”  Billie nodded at Justin after saying okay.

Justin nodded back.  Then, everyone else nodded at his nod at Billie Eilish.  There was a hierarchy of nods, just like the hierarchy of whispers.  Our entire world is one hierarchy after another—hierarchy of hierarchies.

She took a deep breath and turned to face her brother.  “You ready?”

Finneas smiled a crooked smile.  “Oh yeah.  I was born ready—”

Billie made a face and shook her head no.

Finneas reacted, “Yeah, that was kind of cheesy, wasn’t it?  I won’t say that again.”

She changed her ‘no’ headshake to a ‘yes’ head bob.

The group watched as Billie and Finneas made their way through the madness towards the red carpet, it didn’t take long before the first photographer recognized Billie and her brother, and the cameras turned their way, like weapons turning on a new target.  Paparazzi have that sixth sense ability to spot a celebrity before anyone else does.  Although, they do work for The Whales of Hollywood, so maybe it’s not a sixth sense, maybe it’s just what they are paid to do.  If you don’t want The Whale (or the rest of his pod) sending the paparazzi after you all you have to do is walk down the red carpet exactly as you’re told, or you just might find a camera lurking on your next vacation or… while you’re sitting in your backyard trying to enjoy some time alone.  The Whales have ways to make any photo say whatever they want it to say so that YOU say whatever THEY want you to say… Be a good celebrity and do as your told… Well… That was the old hierarchy/patriarchy/monarchy… Some say there’s talk of a new ‘archy’ in town… A Swiftarchy.

“OH MY GOD, that’s Taylor Swift’s cat!”  Kymmie shouted breaking the silence.

“No it’s not.  And shhhhhhh.   Keep quiet.”  Scott scolded her.

“Yeah it is!  I’m gonna go take a picture of it.”  She started to creep towards it.

Carl stepped in her way.  “No you’re not.  You’re staying right here where Billie told us to stay.”  

“Whatever, you can’t stop me.  I’m only going to go take a picture and then I’ll be right back.”  She weaved around Carl.

“Yeah Carl, chill, yo.”  Kanye said.  “We’ve got time before we got to go… Let her take a pho-to!”

“Sweet rhyme bro.”  Justin fist bumped Kanye.

“Yeah you know how I flow.”

“How about this for a rhyme… No!  She needs to stay with us.  Everyone just stay here.”  The lawyer demanded and then turned to follow her.

Scott called after here in a whisper yell.  “Kymmie!  Come back here.” He then also started to follow—he followed the lawyer, following Kymmie.  There’s a new hierarchy of following now, obviously.

Kymmie neared the cat and knelt close to the ground, she turned around, “You guys it really is Taylor’s cat!”

“This is a trick.”  Scott said under his breath to the lawyer as he followed close behind Carl.

The cat meowed and then turned and walked further away.  Kymmie followed it immediately.

“Kymmie, stop following the cat and come back here.”  The lawyer spoke with a voice of authority.

“You’re not the boss of me!  And anyway, I just need to take a picture!”  She followed the cat around a corner.

The lawyer called after her.  “You don’t need to take a picture.  You need to come back with us to the hiding spot so we can stick to the plan.”

Scott looked back and saw that the rest were beginning to follow. “What are you doing?  Go back!”  He whisper yelled at them and flailed his arm around in the air.  They ran across the street catching up with Scott.  He quickly gave up and waited for everyone before continuing on.  The group rounded the corner to see the lawyer who was following Kymmie who was following the cat, about fifty feet ahead of them.

Just then a person in an orange vest also rounded a corner in the distance opposite to the one they had just rounded.  The person wearing the orange vest stopped in the distance looking the other direction appearing to be talking to someone just around the bend, everyone froze.  About a hundred feet down the street from the group, nearest to the guard, Kymmie froze in her tracks after looking up from the cat to see a bright orange vest directly in front of her, she looked back at the lawyer and then back to the cat sitting comfortably on the ground then to the lawyer again.  The security guard’s radio blurted out something about additional crowd control needed to keep some Taylor Swift fans back.  The Swiftness with which her Swifties had suddenly multiplied caught the entire event security team off guard.  The guard ran back in the opposite direction without so much as noticing Kymmie or any of the others, just a short distance away.  Kymmie let out a sigh of relief and the others did the same.

Scott shifted his stance nervously, and then spoke to the group standing behind him like Shaggy talking to the rest of his spooky mystery solving friends.  “Jeepers!  That was a close call.  Like, you guys… I think we really need to all get back to the hiding spot.  What do you think Scooby?  I mean, Scooter.”  He held up his phone with Scooter on the other end of the call, he pressed a button to put Scooter on speakerphone.  Due to a lot of background noise it was hard to tell what Scooter was trying to say, but it sounded a lot like Scooter said… ‘Ruh roh’.  “See guys, even Scooter thinks this is a bad idea… Zoinks!”  He ended the call and put the phone back in his pocket.

The truth of it all was that, Scott happened to be the only one who really knew what was at stake here, he’d already solved the mystery long ago which was why he brought Scooby, sorry, I mean Scooter in on things, but that just seemed to have added more chaos.  After what Billie Eilish said to him, he realized it might not matter who’s hands the power to make the ultimate viral song of all time fell into, someone was going to figure it out eventually and then it would spread across the globe to every earlobe on the planet as soon as that artist finally did figure it out.  He knew that no matter what it could possibly infect everyone on the entire planet if it wasn’t stopped, and sure maybe Billie was right, maybe anyone could be the true bad guy.  Maybe any of them, given the chance, would make the song that would become the only song anyone would sing ever again, the entire world locked in a musical virus infected and stuck together globally forever in one singularity of song.  But he had to take a chance and side with someone, and Shaggy and Scooby, sorry Scott and Scooter, just made sense.  If you can’t figure out whose side anyone is on, how do you fight?  How do you know you’re fighting the right fight?  The only thing he knew for sure was that if that song were to be created and unleashed upon the world, it would forever change the way everyone lived.  It would disrupt the entire planet, all of humanity.  The musical virus would transmit from person to person without so much of a hope of anyone ever stopping it.  Music is already quite contagious even without the secret chord… But with that secret Leonard Cohen chord?   The music world and anything that relied on it would grind to a halt, and for all he knew, everything else would too… coffee shops, bars and pubs, everywhere around the world, anywhere a show could be played—all of it stopped.  All concerts, festivals, pro sports games, Broadway shows even!  Everything stops, the music just stops.  It would in-fact include anywhere there’s music and people gathering together, even birthday parties where they might sing the Happy Birthday song, or weddings, anywhere anyone gathered in groups and music could be heard, would be done... Award shows just like this…  Movie theaters around the world, Hollywood and The Whales… All of it would be shutdown.  Roll up the red carpet and put it in storage.  Shut it all down.

And you say, well that would never happen!  COACHELLA CANCLED?  IMPOSSIBLE!  Scott Borchetta used to think the same thing, but he knew it not only could now, it will happen… It was only a matter of time until it did.  Coachella, with it’s roots dating all the way back to the seventies London punk scene, the anarchy of the eighties and Goldenvoice giving a voice to so many musicians… Would be stopped in its tracks by a newarchy, the song to end all other songs.

“Scott, just chill, Billie has my number, she promised me she wouldn’t lose it!  I was like, Billie, Billie don’t lose my number!  And she was like, I won’t.  I promise.”

Scott ground his teeth.  “Fine.  Okay everyone, like, let’s not split up, we just, we NEED to stay together.  Come on, we need to catch up to them.”  They hurried along the side of the building to catch up with Carl Lyle the lawyer, and, with Kymmie and the cat.  About ten feet ahead of Carl, with her phone raised ready to snap a photo, Kymmie followed the frisky feline.  She stalked the cat slowly as it strolled along strutting its stuff.

Just then the cat stopped in front of what looked like a stage door, the kind you would see just outside a Broadway show, where fans gather after shows for autographs from their favorite cast member, the door was wide open.  The cat looked back and meowed.

“Awwwww, it’s sooo cute!” Kymmie held out her phone and steadied the shot.  She spoke to the cat.  “Okay Taylor’s cat… STAY STILL!  I just need to snap a photo…”  Before Kymmie could take the photo the cat disappeared through the door.  “WHYYYYYYY!?!?!?!  Oh no, no no no, I’m not giving up that easy, I’m going to get this photo of you!”  Kymmie hovered just at the edge of the door.

“Oh no, no no, YOU are NOT going in THERE.”  Carl slid between her and the door.

“Yes, I am.  I need to get this photo!”  She argued putting a hand on her waist.

Scott pointed at the door.  “No, this isn’t right, there shouldn’t be a door just wide open, especially a stage door.”

“But this is the theater!  This door leads into the theater!  Maybe this is where we want to be anyway?  We’ll find Billie inside and everything will work out, AFTER I get my photo of Taylor Swift’s cat.  Look, it even says STAGE DOOR right above the door on that sign!”

Scott shook his head, “That’s a handwritten sign!  Or, hand painted?  Hang on a minute, I know that handwriting, that’s Taylor’s handwriting and the paint on the sign still looks wet.”  A little bit of paint was running from one of the letters dripping down a few inches,  “There wouldn’t just be a hand painted sign.  Still wet, I might add.”

“How do you know it’s Taylor’s handwriting?”  The Arianator questioned.

“Because, I know her handwriting, I Just do.  And the sign aside there’s something else off about all of this.  No, this is just not right, there should be security—no one would just leave a door wide open.  It’s just so out of place.  ESPECIALLY a stage door.”

“Well, maybe the streets are blocked off and no one else is allowed back here.  Did you consider that Mr. Hot Shot Scott?”  Kymmie was determined to win this door debate.

“Then we wouldn’t be standing here!”  He argued back.

“Maybe they blocked it off after we got through?  We saw that one person in the orange vest with the radio, you know—”

“No, NO, there’s something not right about this.  I agree with Scott.”  The lawyer crossed his arms and stood in front of the door like a bouncer.  “No one is going in there.”

Justin walked over to stand beside Kymmie and peered in the doorway trying to get a glimpse of the cat.  “So, if that IS Taylor Swift’s cat, why would it just be walking around outside?”

“Maybe she brings her cats to every performance and lets them walk around before the show.”  The Arianator said shrugging.  “Maybe the cat just wanted to go for a walk outside.”

“I highly doubt that.”  The lawyer said shaking his head.

“Well, I’m going to follow it.”

“No.  You can’t go in there.”  The lawyer shook his head again.

“I need to!  I need a photo!  If I don’t take a photo no one is going to believe me.  SO, outta the way!”  She disappeared through the door after dashing around the lawyer.  He reached out throwing his arms in her direction but caught only air.

“Okay, everyone, we’re just going to have to follow her.”  The lawyer decreed turning to enter the doorway.

“What?”  Scott was taken by surprise.  “I think in the best interest of everyone else here we should just stay—“

“Just follower her!”  He barked, and stepped through the door.

“I don’t know about anyone else but I get the feeling this is a really bad idea, and I just wanted to say I think this just might be the worst idea of all time… Of all time.”  Kanye said from the back of the group.

“It is.”  Scott said in an ominous tone.  “I’m pretty sure I know exactly where this is going.”

“Yeah, but it’s actually a little bit fun, in a way… You know?”  Justin cracked his knuckles.  “It’s like we’re entering some sort of carnival funhouse.  Life on the edge, Taylor Swift style, I say bring on the funhouse mirrors!”

A spellbound maker of broken hearted lovers.

The hallway was dark at first until their eyes began to adjust.  “What’s that?”  One of them said, “A candy bar wrapper?”  Another suggested.  It was not a candy bar wrapper, it was the silhouette of the cat that could still be spotted as it trotted, no, gallivanted down a lengthy hallway and in through another doorway at the very end.  The walls were painted all black with very dim lighting—black light to be exact—the telltale glow of random objects and pieces of clothing made for a fun distraction from the current distraction of their original task, a funhouse indeed, Swiftie style.  They followed Kymmie into an area that resembled some sort of unused dressing room, various props were strewn about: Strange hats and clothing, odds and ends.  There were mirrors along the walls with old fashioned looking light bulbs along the edge of every mirror.  Each mirror was outlined in lavishly painted gold wooden frames.  The mirrors were makeup mirrors, most likely from backstage Broadway.  It’s possible they were replicas, but they appeared to be genuinely vintage.  The cat sat on a chair in front of one of the mirrors, the chair appeared to be antique looking and also genuinely vintage.  The only light in the room came from the menagerie glowing glass makeup mirror bulbs.

Kymmie the teen Arianator turned back to the others and held her finger to her lips… “Shhhhhhh.”  She said softly.  “I need silence, I don’t want to scare the cat.”

She crept up on the cat slowly, steadying her phone to snap a picture.  “This is going to look soooo cool with this lighting.”  She whispered.

She took the photo and as soon a she did, the cat shifted slightly then paused.  She took another photo.  Then the cat moved again and paused once more.

“Umm… Is anyone else seeing this?”  She asked in a normal voice.  The cat was obviously not scared.

Oak stepped forward towards the cat.  “The cat is posing.  It looks like it’s posing for the photos!”

“It is.”  Scott commented from a corner of the room,  “It’s doing exactly what Taylor does when she’s on the red carpet being photographed.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right.”  Pop added.  “Weird.  Very weird.”

Kymmie kept snapping pictures and the cat kept changing poses to mimic Taylor’s red carpet looks.  “So weird.  But also kind of cool because, I mean, you don’t see a cat posing for photos every day.  Do you think Taylor taught her cat how to pose like that?”

“I bet she did.  I feel like that’s something she would do.”  Justin replied.

After several poses the cat jumped off the chair.

Kymmie swiped through the photos and picked her favorites, then uploaded them in a post.

“Oooo I’ve already got hearts!  I literally just posted this!”

“What?  You posted them?”  Scott stepped towards Kymmie’s phone to see.  His voice contained a slight sense of urgency.

“Yeah, what did you think I was going to do?  That’s the point of taking a picture, so you can post it online. Why would you take a picture that no one is going to immediately look at and put hearts on it and write comments about?”

“Well, it’s about deciding and taking the time to decide who you want the photo to be shown to… You know, when I was your age, we had to wait to get pictures developed, or you could get them turned into slides to show them on a projector provided you had a projector and a screen and an audience to show them to…”

“Yeah yeah yeah…”  Kymmie waved him away.

“Yeah, get the times pops.”  Justin said.

“Me?”  Pop Wansel asked.

“Not YOU Pop, I mean Scotty B too hottie over here.  Slides… Photos developed, waiting for things?  Talk about dating yourself, dude.  No one has done that for, like, decades.  Everything’s instant now, like popcorn.  You know the only reason we’re in this mess is because of that Elvis Porter Easter Egg sound you found on tape.  TAPE!  Old technology got us in this mess in the first place.”

Pop interjected some of his wisdom into the situation.  “Well, there’s going to be messes no matter what technology you use.  Old or new, the mess will always exist.  Mess just finds a way no matter what the technology of the day happens to be.  That’s the human flaw.  We think we’ll be happier if we fix things.  If I could just fix this, or get beyond this current mess, or problem, or conundrum, all will be well.  But it’s not true, there’s always going to be problems, so happiness and contentment is in finding piece with the moment no matter what the situation is currently.  Sometimes you learn from the current situation to make a better decision that leads to a better outcome in the future.  And while it’s good to work towards making things better, no doubt, sometimes you have to accept some things the way they are in the moment, because not every problem can be fixed.”

“Like accepting that I posted the cat photos!”  Kymmie said making a face at Scott.

“You need to take the post down.”  Scott said with slight fear in his voice.

“What?  No!  Look at all these hearts I’m getting!  This is going to be trending in NO time.  And I will be famous.  Hello red carpet, here I come!”

“You know, the carpet isn’t always redder on the other side.”  The lawyer commented his perspective and a warning to Kymmie that maybe everything she is seeking isn’t waiting at the end of a red carpet rainbow.  Maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t.

“Taylor’s going to see it!  Her team of Swifties are Taylurking right now.”  Scott shouted.

“No they’re not, she’s busy getting ready for the show or whatever… Oooo I just got a comment!  WHOA.  Oh my god it’s from Emma Watson!  WHAT?  Whoaaaaaaa.  No way!  She said… ‘I see you found the cat.  That’s Mr. Whittington’s Cat – xx Emma.’ Weird.”  Kymmie looked up from her phone, “Mr. Whittington’s cat?  No it’s not, it’s Taylor’s cat.  It’s Taylor Swift’s cat.  Who’s Mr. Whittington?  What is she even talking about?  Why is Emma Watson commenting on my post?  What does she mean by I see you found the cat?  I’m going to comment back and ask her how she can tell it’s not Taylor’s cat.  Because this is TOTALLY Taylor’s cat.”

Kymmie commented and Emma immediately commented back.

“Wow, that was fast, how did she comment back so fast?  Okay, she said, you can tell by the cat collar, look at the collar, it says London Gold on the collar.  London Gold?  Oh yeah, it does say London Gold.  I wonder what that means…. London Gold… This is soooo crazy right now.  WHOA I’m getting more comments!”

“DELETE. THE. POST. NOW!”  Scott reached for the phone but Kymmie turned in the opposite direction, classic basketball move.  Scott caught an armful of air.

“What, why?  No.  Emma Watson commented on it!  I’m not going to delete it.  She’s a very high profile celebrity!  You obviously don’t know about the importance of reputation in the influencer game.  I’m going to ask her what London Gold means.”

She commented the question and, again, Emma immediately commented back, the comment was so quick it was as if she were simply thinking the comment instead of actually typing it out.

“She said, read the story of Dick Whittington’s cat.  Who’s Dick Whittington?  What’s so special about his cat?  Also, how did she write that reply so fast, no one can possibly type that fast!  Ooooo, she included a link, it says, ‘click on this link’.  Should I click on the link?”

“NO!  Don’t CLICK ON THAT!”  Scott shouted at her.  He reached out again for the phone but Kymmie was too quick.  She ducked, dribbled, passed the phone to Justin, and he passed it back to her.

“Delete it, or give me the phone.”  The lawyer said sternly.

“No.”  Kymmie argued back.  She tossed the phone back and forth to Justin, Kanye, Oak, and Pop as Scott and the Lawyer attempted to snatch the phone trying to catch it midair.

“Give me the phone or delete the post.  You have ten seconds.”  The lawyer began counting down from ten, like a parent not putting up with anymore from a child, “Ten, nine, eight…”

The phone landed back in Kymmie’s hands, “Fine!  Ugh.  I’ll delete it, let me just screen cap it first as proof for my friends…  Wait this is weird… It won’t let me even click on any options to screen cap.  It’s like my phone is stuck on this post.  I can’t do anything.  Let me try to get to the menu… It’s not letting me do anything now!  Here, look, I’m even trying to delete it, nothing is working.”

“What?!”  Scott said in a worried voice.

“It says this post is now managed by AlisonThirteen.  Who’s AlisonThirteen?  Only AlisonThirteen or a moderator from her team may modify or delete the post.”

“Oh no.”  Scott said, his eyes wide with fear.

“What?  Why did you say oh no?”  Kymmie said looking up from her phone.

“Never mind.  There’s nothing we can do about it now.”  Scott looked around the room seemingly searching for something, ‘but what am I looking for’, he thought to himself.

“Well, since I can’t delete it I’m going to comment back, it seems to still let me click on the comment box.  This is Taylor’s cat, not some Mr. Whittington’s cat.  Are you sure I shouldn’t just click on the link Emma sent?  I mean isn’t that what links are for?  Someone sends you a link, you just click, I mean, right?  Like, links have to be clicked!  You can’t not click on the link, you have to click it!  Don’t think, just click!”

“DO NOT CLICK ON ANY LINKS!”  The lawyer and Scott shouted at the same time.

“Okay fine, calm down.  I won’t click on it.  I’ll just ask Emma to tell me who Mr. Whittington is.”

“Technically you’re tapping on it, since you’re using your finger, clicking would indicate you have a mouse.  Anyway, speaking of mice, maybe the cat is both?  Maybe it’s Taylor’s cat and Mr. Whittington’s cat.  That is to say, if Taylor adopted it, perhaps it was someone else’s cat before it was hers.”  Everyone acknowledged Oak Felder’s wisdom.

“Well, but, that would make it Schrodinger’s cat.”  The lawyer added.

“Or, given our history, maybe she catnapped it.”  Justin offered, still annoyed about what the Swifties did to Sushi and Tuna.

“Whose cat?  I’m confused.”  The Arianator said after typing out a quick comment.

“It’s a thought experiment where the cat can be two things at the same time.  Taylor’s cat and Mr. Whittington’s cat.”

“I don’t get it.”  She replied.

“It’s like that song by One Direction.”  Oak began.  “She’s beautiful because she doesn’t know she’s beautiful and that’s what makes her beautiful.  But since he’s telling her she’s beautiful in the song, she now knows she’s beautiful.  So, can she still be beautiful, even though she now knows it, since not knowing she’s beautiful is what makes her beautiful?  In telling her that she’s beautiful, wouldn’t that change the statement because the state of her not knowing she is beautiful is what makes her beautiful.”

“Is there going to be an exam after this?  I feel like I should be taking notes.”  Justin asked.

“This is confusing.”  Kymmie replied.

“Or, maybe it’s the perspective of the person looking at the cat?”  Oak continued,  “It appears to be different depending on who looks at it.  Maybe it’s like looking in the mirror, unless you knew it was a mirror, and you had never seen an image of yourself so as to know what you look like, how would you know it’s a reflection?  The mirror would be the cat, but depending on who looks at the cat, that changes which cat is seen.”

“Wait… That’s strange…”  Kymmie said looking at the picture on her phone.  “Sorry, Oak, I’m listening to you, but also, I’m not.”

“What’s strange?”  Scott asked, his voice now more urgent sounding, a concerned tone.

“There’s something weird about this picture.  I can’t quite figure it out though.”  She stared at the phone.

“Let me see the photos….”  Scott walked over to her and put on a pair of glasses, then inspected the photos closely. “You’re taking these photos directly in front of the mirror, but I don’t see you in the mirror…  We need to get out of here.  This is a trap!”  His face looked as if he has seen a ghost.

“But, how does that work?  It’s so fascinating.”  She walked over to the mirror and stood in front of it.  She could clearly see her reflection.  She pulled out her phone to take a mirror selfie but remember the phone was locked to the post.  “Someone give me your phone!”  Justin tossed his phone to her.  She caught it and snapped a selfie.  “Weird. I’m not in the photo.  It’s just the mirror reflecting the wall behind me.”  She tossed the phone back to Justin.  Everyone else gathered around his phone to look at the photo.  The teen moved closer to the mirror.  She looked at her self and thought who else had stood before this very same mirror.  She fixed her hair.  How many others had fixed their hair while they looked at their reflection, their impurities, imperfectness—made perfect with makeup for the stage.  A peculiar thought popped into her head and she wondered the same thing about a song; if listening to a song were like looking in a mirror, or hearing into a mirror, how many others had also listened to that same song, any song.  Felt the same feelings.  Each and every song had a list of those who heard the song, and some lists for some songs included nearly everyone on the planet, while others just a select few.  There were undoubtedly songs that nearly everyone in the world had heard at one point another.  But, even with the same song everyone’s experience of that song is different.  Everyone has different memories, emotional responses, to some the song can mean one thing, and to another, something completely different, Taylor Swift’s cat or Mr. Whittington’s cat.  It’s the same cat, but we all view it differently.  But what if there were a way for everyone to feel the same way when listening to a song.  If you remove the reflection from the mirror, isn’t it the same experience for anyone who looks into it?  If we can’t see ourselves, we all see the same thing, right?

Conceivably the whole world could be connected together by a hand full of songs.  Wouldn’t it be such a strange sensation to somehow be able to connect with anyone who has ever listened to the same song as you?  Or what if such a song existed that everyone had listened to at least once, or even the entire world continued to listen to on repeat, a song connecting the entire human population together, as one.  Seeing everyone in the world, or rather hearing everyone as one mirror—an audio mirror.  But, what would an audio mirror look like, or sound like, or be like?

There’s feedback, when a microphone is pointed at a speaker, or a guitar is placed directly in front of an amp, but is that it?  It can’t be.  Feedback sounds terrible.  But, looking into a mirror is… captivating.  It would have to be like looking into a mirror.  Seeing one’s own reflection, but in the song.  Can one listen into a recording the way they can look into a mirror?  But instead of seeing you, it’s everyone; or maybe it’s blank, because a blank space has the potential to be anyone in that mirror.  But isn’t the possibility of reflection, at least, for sound, the absence of sound?  In which case, wouldn’t a sound mirror be… Shared silence?

If it’s not silence then how would a mirror for the ears even work?  Would it be like knowing you shared that song with others just as you can imagine others have looked in the same mirror as you?  She thought about how a song, could have the power to make you feel less imperfect, the right song could lift you up and make you feel amazing, just as makeup can conceal imperfections, make you feel a higher level of beautiful.  Music, in a way, is like makeup for your mind, and heart and soul… but it’s more than that, it has the power to make you feel an entire range of emotions.  Music can change your entire state of being on the inside and no one on the outside would ever know you changed.  It didn’t just cover something up like makeup did; it had the power to make you feel beautiful from the inside out.  To truly connect with a song either alone, with another person, or with the whole world, music could make you feel something that words can’t really describe.  And hearing the right song?  It changes you, sometimes, forever.

Suddenly the lights flickered.  They stayed for a moment in their dimly lit state before shutting off entirely.  A glowing silhouetted image of Taylor could be seen in the mirrors for only a second before fading away as the lights flickered back on.  Her song Style played.  Maybe it was Style, the duration of the clip was extremely short, so short that it was impossible to really tell if they had actually heard anything at all or just imagined it.  It was just a tiny bit of Style, just enough style, a small amount of Style.   The sound entered their ear drums and into their brains… No time to put on special Swiftie sound canceling headphones, no time to cover their ears....  They were quite possibly Swifted, ever so Swiftly, and yet ever so slightly, just a tiny little bit of Swiftie in their minds… We never go out of style… We never go out of Style…

Each of Taylor’s exes flashed in the makeup mirrors, as though they were trapped behind the mirrors, handwritten lyrics could be seen below each one of Taylor’s exes, their portrait glowed in the mirror, trapped behind the lyrics.

“Poor souls, trapped forever in the lyrics of songs… Taylor Swift, the spellbound maker of broken hearted lovers…”  Scott spoke quietly to himself, seemingly un-phased, as though he knew this day would eventually come, like he knew for years.  Scott knew the power of trapping someone in a song for all eternity, any good songwriter knew the power, and Taylor did too, she knew what it did, she knew it better than anyone, after all, her first hit song was named Tim McGraw… Write a song about someone and they are forever trapped in that song, and the more popular it becomes, the more trapped that person becomes.  Taylor was one of the best in the business; she could spin a song spell quite well, much better than most.  The spellbound maker of broken hearted lovers, she got rich and famous singing songs of wonder… Now we’re all under her spell.

They say you fight fire with fire, or in this case, an interruption with a distraction, and as everyone knows cats make the best distractions

“Okay this is kind of creeping me out a little.”  Justin admitted after the lights flicked back on full.

“What was that you said about how it’s like a fun house…” Kanye poked fun at The Biebs.

“Yeah, Ye, but, that was before any of this flickering lights and the man in the mirror stuff happened!”

“Yeah, I’m done with this cat, let’s go back!  Kymmie ran to the door that lead to the hallway and pushed against it, “The door…  It’s locked from the other side!  I don’t even remember there being a door here before!  I just remember we were in the hallway of black lights, and my shoelaces were glowing and then we walked in here, I know there was an open doorway but I don’t remember a door, and maybe it’s because I was paying too much attention to my glowing shoelaces, and the cat of course… Did anyone else remember a door?  Did anyone else hear it close?”  She franticly shoved her body against the door trying to open it.

“You need to calm down.”  A voice said.

“Okay, who said that… Because it didn’t sound like any of us.”  Kymmie backed away from the door, almost in tears, officially freaked the heck out.  “I’m officially freaked the heck out!”

“It wasn’t any of us...”  Scott said in an eerie ‘this is the end for us’ type of voice.

“There’s probably a speaker somewhere in the room and Taylor is just trying to messing with us by making it seem like the sound came from within the room.  EVERYONE, it’s okay, I have cats, I can handle this.”  Justin put his hands out and walked over to the cat.  “Okay cat… Unlock the door!”  Justin crouched in order to look the cat in the eyes.  The cat stared back for a few seconds.

           “You know I have a name.  It’s Tom.  My name is Tom.  Not… ‘Okay cat’.”  The cat said in a very royal British accent.

           Justin stood up and backed away.  “Did anyone else just hear the cat talk, or was that just me?”

           “Oh yes, yes, I believe the cat definitely just talked.  That was the cat talking is what that was.  Yes, that’s, uhhhh, that’s a, ummm, what do you call it, it’s uh… a talking cat. Yes, I believe, that’s uhhh, what that is.”  Scott said in his Jeff Goldblum voice.

“Holy crap, Taylor’s cat just talked!”  Kymmie yelled out, “Holy crap the cat just talked.  Taylor Swift’s cat just talked, you guys, TAYLOR SWIFT’S CAT JUST TALKED!!!  What is going on here? OH MY GOD, you guys, what the actual flipping heck is happening right now.  TAYLOR’S CAT TALKED!”  

“Yeah, we heard you the first time.  How many times are you going to say that?”  Justin said to Kymmie.

“Well, I’m sorry, JUSTIN, I’m kinda freaking out!”  Kymmie started to freak out fully.  “This is not real, I’m dreaming this right now, this is a dream and then I’m going to wake up and it’s not going to be real.  Cats don’t talk in real life.”  Her voice quivered with fear as the words escaped her mouth.

“Love,” The cat said still in a royal but now nonchalant British accent, “I do say, love, in the words of my very lovely owner, you really need to calm down.”

“Whaaaaaa… Oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH!  Calm down?  I’m talking to Taylor Swift’s cat!  How am I supposed to calm down?   I just said that to a cat.  Oh my gosh… OH MY GOSH!!!  I just replied to a cat.  I’m talking to Taylor Swift’s cat!”

“Could you be a dear, love, and tell Emma I said hello.”

“Umm, what?  You’re telling me to comment back to tell Emma Watson that you say hello?”  Suddenly her fear floated away, and she felt peaceful, filled with love and complete calm.  Her fear changed to immediate curiosity.  “Okay.  I mean, sure.”  She said to the cat.  “Should I do it?”  She asked the room.

“I say go for it.”  The Biebs said also in a mellow tone.  “Why do I suddenly feel so relaxed?  This cat just seems so chill.  Like, he’s such a cool cat.  Cool cat… cooool… caaaat.”

“Why does the cat have a British accent?”  Kymmie asked.

“I don’ know, why?”  Justin answered.

“It’s not a joke.  I’m asking.”  Kymmie replied.

“Oh… Doesn’t Taylor take her cats over to England?”  Justin suggested as a possible explanation.

“Cat’s can’t get accents… CAT’S CANT TALK!”  Kymmie replied.

“Well apparently this one does.”  Justin replied back.

“No!  This is a trick.”  Scott struggled to shout.  “Don’t... talk… to it…”  His shouting melted away as he struggled to maintain intensity in his voice.  “No.”  He tried to fight the relaxing mellow feeling hitting his mind. Had he been Swifted?  He wondered.  He felt like that moment right after you wake up from a dream.  Reality seemed foggy.

“I mean, it is a talking cat.  How can we not talk to it?”  Oak Felder offered, he too now slightly subdued.  “I think Justin is right, I feel so… tranquil.”

“We can’t talk to it… Because, like, we have… Uh…  Ummm… something else we are supposed to be doing.  We neeeeeeeeed to contact… Billie.”  Scott reaffirmed.  He motioned with his hands to Kanye.  His hand eye coordination felt slightly off.  He felt like everything was in slow motion.

“Like, but it’s a talking cat.  Maaaaaaan.”  The Ariantor tried to argue back but she continued to feel more mellow, and free, and full of love.  “We’ve got plenty of time anyway.  Time is slooooooooooooooow right now.  And I’m sure Billie will call Justin when she can’t find us.”

“Yeah.”  He checked his phone.  “See, Mr. Scott B… no missed calls.  And full bars on my service.  And look how big the screen is right now.”  The screen appeared to Justin to be the size of a TV screen.  Everyone else saw the screen of his phone appear to grow right before their eyes.

“Whoaaaaaaaaa…”  They all said in unison.

“Well… Okay.”  Scott replied convinced as he possibly could muster in his catatonic like state.  He looked at Carl who looked at his watch then gave a concerned look back which eventually melted away to just a shrug of the shoulders.

“So, your name is Tom?”  Oak Felder inquired of the cat.

“Yes.  Ground control to Major Tom.  Tom here!”  The cat was peppy and spoke in a perfectly upbeat voice, a bit on the cheeky side though.  Everyone honed in on the voice unable to pay attention to anything else but the cat.

The Arianator made a face like she was thinking very hard.  “None of Taylor’s cats are named Tom.  So, you can’t be Taylor’s cat then.”  

“Ah, but you are undoubtedly misinformed.”

“How so?”  Oak asked further, curious.

“Was I not adopted?  Could I not have two names?  Could I not have an identify from a previous owner?  Or, maybe even a previous life!”

“Well… Yeah, I guess.”  Oak replied.  Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Scott broke free for a moment from his mellow state, “Everyone, stop talking to the cat!  He wants you to pay attention to him.”  Scott tried to intervene; he knew what the cat was up to.  He tried to shake off his euphoric Swiftie feeling, that feeling that he had just woken up from a dream but was still dreaming.  Shake it off, he thought, shake it off… Oh no… Taylor’s lyrics were just too infectious.  Shake it off… Shake it off…

Justin stepped forward.  “But, I have to know now, I have to know everything about this talking cat.  Plus, Scotty too hottie, just trust me, yo, Billie Eilish will call when she needs us all.   I just have a funny feeling she will, that’s all.”

“Nice rhyme bro.”  Kanye fist bumped Justin.

“Thanks.”  Justin gave his ‘cool’ look back that he often uses in a lot of photos.  The ‘I’m Justin Bieber level of cool because I am Justin Bieber’ look.  You know the look.

“I HAVE TO KNOW TOO!”  The Arianator said.  “I’m soooo curious.  I can’t explain it, like… I’m soooo curious to know.  I have to know.  I want to know, I NEED to know.  Look at the cat!  He’s sooooo cute.”

“Haven’t you ever heard the tale of Dick Whittington and his cat?”  The cat said his British accent, very royal sounding.  Like he could have been a cat for the Queen of England herself.  Except that the Queen of England has dogs… Doesn’t she?  I think so, yes, she does, I just looked it up.  She may have a cat, but I can’t find any search results that prove that.

“Ummm…”  The Arianator scratched her head.  Justin also thought for a moment.

“Oh no.”  Scott said in a quiet voice.

“What?”  The lawyer said back.

“This IS a trap.  Taylor IS trapping us.”  He looked around the room, not sure what he was looking for, mostly out of desperation for a solution, or a clue, anything.

“How do you know for sure?”  The lawyer said quietly to Scott.

“I just… know.  This is her.”

The teen held up her phone.  “Emma Watson just commented back, she said it’s definitely Dick Whittington’s cat.  Also she said, ‘Tell Tom I said hello, xx -E’.”  She looked at the cat.  “You talk to Emma Watson?”

“Yes.”  The cat replied.

“Do you talk to Taylor Swift too?”  She asked.

“Not like I chat with Emma, no, Taylor just knows my routine already, so there’s no need for human words.  She just knows me, as I am her cat.  We have an unspoken agreement.”

Kymmie thought for a moment.  “That makes sense… I think.  Wait… Why do you talk to Emma Watson?”

“Well, it’s a long story but… have you ever heard of the ten days of silence?”

“I think so, yeah.  Is that where you go somewhere and don’t speak for ten days?  You just sit there and meditate?”

“Close enough.  You see…”  The cat walked about the room as he spoke, “she’s one of the few individuals in the world who have successfully completed the ten days of silence.  When you spend ten days in silence you… Well, some individuals, anyway, with a certain predisposition to ‘clairvoyant abilities’ start to experience alternative forms of worldly communication.  Your brain starts to seek out other ways to connect to other living beings.”

“But how?”  The Arianator asked, eager to know more.  Everyone else’s attention was fixated on the cat.  Everyone was eager to know more about Emma Watson’s predisposition to ‘clairvoyant abilities’.  They were completely forgetting they had somewhere else to be… at least for now.  But, that was the point, wasn’t it? Welcome to the game show called The Cat Always Wins… Staring Tom Whittington Swift, Taylor Swift, and a guest appearance by Emma Watson, and of course, our lovely contestants… Can they win against the cat or will the cat win again?  Find out, on The Cat Always Wins!  Spoiler alert, the cat always wins!

EDITOR: If the cat always wins, why would anyone watch that?

WRITER: Because, it’s a cat!  Also, it’s not a question of if the cat always wins, it’s a question of HOW the cat always wins!  It’s like how you know the good girl is always going to defeat the bad guy, but you watch it anyway to find out how!

EDITOR: Producer?

PRODUCER: Executive producer?

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: I’ll allow it.  Continue the story.

PRODUCER: Management likes it.  Allowed.

EDITOR: Okay, continue the story.

WRITER: Thanks, I will.  I’m glad I have a whole team of people who aren’t directly involved in creating this content telling me what I can and cannot write.

EDITOR, PRODUCER, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: That’s what we’re here for!

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: I just pitched the show “The Cat Always Wins” to my bosses… The owners of everything.  They like it!  Hurry up and finish this so we can start working on The Cat Always Wins.

WRITER: It’s not a real show!

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER:  Well it won’t ever be with an attitude like that!  Let’s make it happen!  Think like the cat, because, remember, The Cat Always Wins!  We already bought the rights!

WRITER: So this is what it must be like to no longer have control of something you created.  To be at the whim of this creation that now controls your life.  Welcome to a new spin on the Taylor Swift’s Masters Ownership Story… The Cat Always Wins.

“Yeah.  How is that even possible?”  Justin inquired of the cat, eager to know more about Emma Watson’s predisposition to ‘clairvoyant abilities’.  Everyone was eager to know more about Emma Watson’s predisposition to ‘clairvoyant abilities’.

“Well… It works just like any other form of communication.  What do you do when you need to talk to someone who isn’t nearby?”

“Umm…���  Justin scratched his head, pondering the question.  He felt groggy.  The Swiftie Style spell had clouded his thinking.

“You catcall them!”  The cat smiled.  They sat with blank faces.  “Okay, so, that was a joke, do any of you have a sense of humor?  You guys feline okay?  What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”  More blank faces.  “Wow, tough crowd in here.”

“I think I’m watching a cat trying to do stand up.  What is life right now?”  The teen started to laugh, sort or, it was an ‘almost’ laugh.  A bit of a ‘Ha… Ha…’

“If you need to speak to someone and they aren’t in the room, you call them on your cell phone.  Right?  Pick up the phone and call them!  You seek out an alternative form of communication!  Like how you’re waiting for a phone call from your friend Billie.  Right Justin?”

“Ohhhhh.”  Everyone nodded.

“So, she can talk to cats after doing the ten days of silence thing?  Like someone would pick up a phone and call someone?  Although, who does THAT anymore, just message me.”

“I know right?”  Everyone agreed.  Well, everyone but Scott.

“I still talk on the phone.”  Scott said.

“Don’t make me say it.”  Justin said back.

“Say what?” Scott asked.

“Get with the times pops!”

“I get the New York Times delivered digitally to my phone, does that count?”  Scott stated.

“Well, that’s a start.”  Justin replied approvingly.

“YOU GUYS!  Let the cat tell us more about Emma Watson’s predisposition to ‘clairvoyant abilities’!” Kymmie said in a strong voice, she was trying to yell but it came out as a half whisper.

“Sorry.  Go on cat.”  Justin pointed to the cat.

“Where was I?  Oh, yes, well, she can do a lot more than just talk to cats.  Emma Watson’s powers of communications are unlike anyone else you’ve ever met she has the ability to communicate beyond—“

“WAIT, hang on, who is Dick Whittington?”  Kymmie interrupted.  Just then her phone began to buzz and make noises like an arcade game or pinball machine, “WHOA, there are more celebrities commenting on this post! Florence Pugh just commented too!  You are quite the popular cat, you know that?  At least with famous British actresses it seems.  Do you talk to Florence too?”  Kymmie asked.

“Well, I have been known to draw a crowd or two.  Especially in and around London.”  The cat smiled confidently then purred slightly. “To answer your question, no, I don’t chat with Florence, only Emma.  Ten days of silence, remember?  Anyway, where was I?  Ah yes, the story of Dick Whittington.  Well, it goes as follows, a cat named Tom, made a fellow named Mr. Whittington wealthy because the cat had the ability to chase off rats.”

“But, aren’t YOU Mr. Whittington’s cat?”  The lawyer cross-examined the cat suspiciously.  “Or are you Taylor’s Cat?”

“Mmmmm hmmm.”  The cat replied.

“Well which is it?”  The lawyer leaned in.  “State who’s cat you are for the jury!”

“Hold on… When did this story take place?”  Justin asked, “Because I’m looking it up on my phone here and the story seems a lot older than you look.”  He held the giant phone up for everyone to see, and pulled out a laser pointer to emphasize his point, a presentation for all those present, just as one would make in a class or business meeting.  The cat resisted the urge to chase the red laser.

“Ah, but perhaps, I have many lives.  Nine?  Or perhaps, I live longer than most cats.  I could be an old soul, Mr. Whittington’s cat, in a new body, Taylor Swift’s cat.”

“Mmm hmmmm… Well, Mr. Whittington’s cat, if you are who you say you are, shouldn’t you be chasing rats then?”  The lawyer grabbed the laser pointer out of Justin Bieber’s hand and aimed it on the floor.  The cat pawed at it a few times then stopped himself, not giving in to the lawyer’s tricks.

“Chasing away rats is what I do best.”  He said with a smirk, then snickered.  Two other snickers could be heard from elsewhere.  The snickers of two other cats—creeping somewhere in the shadows.

“Okay, well, Mr. Whittington’s cat, shouldn’t you be chasing rats RIGHT NOW then?”  The lawyer counter argued.

“I am.”  Mr. Whittington’s cat replied.  The two unseen cats snickered again.

“What?” Justin said, taken aback by Scott’s facial reaction to what the cat had just said.  Everyone stared at Scott.  It was as though all the blood had drained entirely from Scott’s face, he looked woozy.

Scott let out a gasp, “Oh no… We’re the rats!” He exclaimed in a quiet voice.

The cat sprawled out on the floor holding his paws up turning his head to look at everyone upside down, a distractingly cute pose, “Uh, what I mean to say is, did you know that Emma Watson is going to be the next Queen of England?”

“No she’s not.”  Kymmie argued back.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… Stop trying to change the subject there, Tom!”  Scott walked over to face the cat.

“I am doing no such thing, I am simply stating a fact.  And given that YOU still haven’t told Emma I said hello, I think that I have the floor!  Additionally, considering that I have four appendages and you all only have two, that counts doubly for me.”

“THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!”  Scott huffed.  “That’s not how it works, you’re a cat you have four feet!  Also, none of your paws are on the floor right now, they’re all up in the air and you’re waiving them around like you just don’t care!  You don’t have the floor at all!”

“Well, it’s a metaphorical floor… Or metafloorical if you will… Ohhhh, zing…  Thanks, I’ll be here all night!”  The other two mystery cats snickered, “And so will you…” Thomas Whittington Swift said in a quiet voice.

“Stop trying to distract us, I want to go back to what you said before… Hang on, what do you mean by, and so will you, I HEARD that…”  Scott stared at the cat dubiously.

“What was I saying before?  Oh yes, about Emma Watson being the next Queen of England, I agree, we should discuss that!”

“No, that’s not what I was referring to… “  Scott replied pointing his index finger at the cat.  

WRITER: Oh that’s too perfect, we’re gonna “yes and” that meme reference, let’s run with that bit…

We see Kymmie rush over to Scott’s side.  And, we see, a plate of food sitting on a table appear in front of the cat.  And the cat is now sitting behind the table with the plate of food on the table in front of the cat.  Scott points at the cat with an upset look on his face and Kymmie stands beside Scott.  She has an upset look on her face too.  They’re both yelling at the cat.

And continue scene…

“No hold on, Tom, you know it’s just not possible for Emma to be the next Queen of England.  She’s not in the royal family.”  Oak pointed out that very important detail that would stop Emma from ever becoming Queen of England.

“Give me one reason why Emma wouldn’t make a good Queen of England?”  The cat questioned his court.

Everyone stood silent, unable to come up with an objection to the statement.  “The cat makes a good point.” Kymmie said.

“I don’t have an counterargument against that exact suggestion.”  Oak stated.

“Emma is IN like a gin and tonic at a dancehall.”  The cat said springing to his feet and tossing the plate of food off the table, he jumped up onto the table and walked around like he was on the floor of congress, or parliament—or on the table of congress or parliament because he’s on a table.

“That doesn’t make sense.  We’re not saying she wouldn’t make a good Queen, we’re just saying you know there are other people in the royal family, right?  There are so many people in line to be next, and Emma Watson is NOT one of those people!  Obviously, if she were, according to the governing law, in line for the throne, she would surely be fit for Queen of England.  I’m sure not a single person would object.”  The lawyer joined the Emma Watson for Queen of England debate and argued his talking point.

“But perhaps she could be an honorary member of the family.  Or, maybe, she secretly IS next in line…”  The cat purred, satisfied with his debate performance.

“The cat is lying to us!”  Scott finally managed to break free from the Style spell and fully wake from the relaxed state…   “Everyone we’re getting off topic here!  We’re letting the cat distract us from what we need to do!”

The cat spoke swiftly, “Why would I lie?  I have no reason to lie.  I was just lying down, yes, but that’s a different kind of lie.  Lie, lay… Lying.”  More snickering from the two mystery cats hidden in the shadows.

“No, no, no, everyone, quiet!”  Kymmie yelled.  “I’m going to win this argument.  I’m asking her right now on this comment post if she is part of the royal family.”  The teen typed on her phone.

“Tell her I said hello too!”  The casual cat slid the comment in very smoothly.

Kymmie stopped typing.  “Wait, if you and Emma can talk through your minds, or whatever, why am passing notes back and forth between the two of you like we’re in grade school!  Can’t you just say hello to each other through your minds?”  She asked.

“Oh, sure, we’re talking right now.  We just think it’s fun.”  The cat said with a smile.  “Haven’t you ever messaged someone from your phone who was sitting in the same room as you.”

“Oh yeah.  I guess that make sense.”  Kymmie said, she’d totally done that.  Sometimes you’re sitting there watching TV or a movie and you want to hear the show, but also want to talk to your friend.  Or if there’s another friend in the room and you want to say something to one of your friends about the other friend…  Kymmie eyed the cat suspiciously.  They’re talking about us, she thought.

“This is ridiculous, we’re fighting with Taylor Swift’s cat!”  Scott tried to convince the others.

“Mr. Whittington’s cat.”  Justin corrected him.

“WHATEVER!  We need to focus.   We’re arguing with a cat!”  Scott knew that time was running out.

“But it’s a talking cat.”  Justin argued still under that small amount of Swiftie Spell and it’s anyone’s guess how it was interacting with his Selena earworm.  So far there didn’t seem to be any side effects, but one never knows when you start combining song spells and earworms together.  It’s a dangerous concoction.

“I’m commenting to Emma right now.”  Kymmie said waving away Scott’s sass.

“Well she’s not going to tell you.  It’s highly secret you know.  Only a few know.  And I’m one of those few.”  Mr. Whittington Swift Cat said with a cunning smile.

“This cat is messing with us—”

“Taylor Swift’s cat—”  The teen corrected Scott.

“Mr. Whittington’s cat—“ Oak corrected Kymmie.

“Emma Watson’s cat?”  The lawyer offered.

“Schrodinger’s cat.”  Pop proclaimed.

“Cat Steven’s cat.”  Justin added.

“Cat Steven’s cat?”  Kanye questioned.

“I thought we were playing one of those imrov comedy games where you name the object, and you substitute different names, I’m sure there’s an official improv comedy name for this kind of scene work, I’m drawing a blank right now.  I’m not a regular improviser… sooo… Just go with it.  Yes and.”  Justin shrugged.  “Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon, ‘when you coming home, dad?’ ‘I don't know when’, but we'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then…”  

Never combine earworms and song spells, it may make the person lose their mind.  Of course, the effect is only temporary.

“—WHOEVER’S CAT THIS IS, it’s messing with our minds!”  Scott shouted.

“Now why would I do such a thing as to mess with you?  Did you ask Emma Watson about her royal status yet?”  The cat sat resting his chin on his paw.

“Yes, she said to ask you.  Also she said ‘hello’ back.  Also, also, Emma suggested naming you Kit Cat.”  Kymmie read the comment aloud.

“Give me a break.”  Scott put his palm to his face, which was something you used to be able to do back in the day before the great virus circled the world and face palming became a thing of the past because no one was allowed to touch one’s face anymore.

EDITOR: Yeah, that’s realistic.  No one is allowed to touch their face?  Man you come up with the weirdest stuff.

WRITER: Oh you just wait, it’s gonna get way weirder.  I’m just getting started.  It’s a game of musical chairs and the game doesn’t end until there’s a winner.

EDITOR: You’re so weird.

WRITER: THIS IS WHAT WRITERS DO WHEN THEY ARE STUCK IN QUARANTINE.  Don’t leave your house.  If you leave your house, you might hear the song, and if you hear the song, you will NEVER get it out of your head, you become one of them!  DANCE MONKEY DANCE!

EDITOR:  What if I’ve already heard the song?

WRITER: It’s too late… Just dance.  Just sing.  Just sing, and dance… The only way out is a more addictive song and the cycle begins again until you hear an even more addictive song, and that cycle goes until you hear the song that you can NEVER get out of your head.  Unless, someone write’s an antidote song…  Dance… Monkey… Dance… Australian sound, Australian crosswalk sound… Billie Eiliish… Taylor Swift… Music is infected, soundtracks are infected, laugh tracks are infected, Foley artist created sounds in films are infected… Ten days of silence, shhhh listen, can you hear it?  Emma Watson will save the world with silence!

EDITOR: What do you mean by Emma Watson will save the world with silence?

WRITER: Shhhhhhhhhh… Listen to the silence… of no one talking… Just writing and reading… Shhhhh… Just sit there and try to listen to Emma Watson’s thoughts, as she reads her books.

EDITOR: How am I supposed to hear Emma Watson’s thoughts?  That’s impossible.  No one can hear her thoughts except her.  I’d just be siting here silent listening to nothing.

WRITER: That’s the point.  Sit quietly and listen, until you can hear Emma Watson’s thoughts in your head.

EDITOR:  So you just want me to sit there while you write?

WRITER: Yep.  Oh, just a warning, make sure you don’t accidentally think her thoughts as your own, just listen to them.

EDITOR: Okay fine, whatever, I will sit here and try to read Emma Watson’s mind, or listen to her thoughts, or whatever, while you write.  And since we all know it’s impossible to hear someone’s thoughts, I’ll just sit here quietly.  So you could just say that instead of trying to be all mysteriously cool trying to convince me there’s a way to read people’s minds or that Emma Watson is some come of chosen oracle that will one day save the world.

WRITER: Thank you.

EDITOR: Wait, what do you mean think her thoughts as my own?

WRITER: Shhhhhhhh… Don’t think… Just listen… Be in the present… Let Emma Watson be your thought guide…

EDITOR: *Rolls eyes*

“Okay, we’re not playing games anymore.  Or, at least the name the cat game.”  The lawyer responded in a flat tone of voice.

“Awwwwww.”  The cat purred in response to Emma’s hello back to him.  “So, it is.”

“It is what?”  Scott demanded.

“It is time for us to go to London!”  The cat announced.

“London?  We have somewhere else to be!  Why do we want to go to London?”

“Why, my friend Scott… To find out, of course!  We must find out the answer to the Emma Watson question!  Is she going to be the next Queen of England?  Her Grace, Ms. Emma Watson of Windsor Castle!  HER MAJESTY Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson of Buckingham Palace!”  The cat held a paw up in the air pointing the way.

Just as the cat tossed a paw into the air the lights went out again, and then in each of the mirrors they could see the flicker of faces appear and disappear.  Each face glowed for a moment, then faded away.  One of the faces, Scott was positive, was Elvis, Elvis himself.  He made out a few of the others, he was positive Tom Petty was there, along with Prince.  Janis Joplin, even!  David Bowie.  Whitney Houston.  Wow.  They all flashed so fast that it was impossible to recognize more than a small number.  The only commonality was that they were iconic musicians no longer living among us.  Each one of the faces, perhaps coincidentally (and perhaps not), had a corresponding trust managed by The Whale himself.  Personally appointed by way of a signed retroactive power of appointment that gave The Whale sole trustee guardianship.  The signatures of course, were not exactly on the line for any of the legally binding documents, but that minor detail didn’t seem to matter to the notary public, the witness of each signed document, or the reviewing judge who denied any and all appeals with prejudice.  The objector, respondent, and petitioner were all informed of the trust’s fate by certified mail.  The Hollywood Whales sent a representative from each of their pods to pick up the individual trust packets personally.  As was customary of The Whales of Hollywood.

When the lights came back on, a previously shut door on the opposite side of the room, had opened.  The cat stood at the edge of that door.

A sign in Taylor Swift’s handwriting read “To The Stage Door” but it was crossed out, and under it was written “To London”.

“You can’t give up now!  Onwards to London!”  The cat shouted.

The lawyer pulled Scott aside and spoke to him.  “London?  We don’t want to go to—”

“Just follow him.”  Scott said in a sour tone.  “We’re not actually going to London, there’s no possible way that’s a doorway to London.  We’re in LA!  I’m sure it just leads further into the building, there has to be a way.  We’re dealing with a cat, it’s not like we’re up against a whole army of Taylor Swift’s Swifties, The Swift Army.  it’s a cat, Carl.  I’m sure we can figure this out.”

They could hear noise, very low, it sounded like idle chatter, people filling into an open auditorium.  Guests were taking their seats for the 2019 American Music Awards.

“Oh no.  It’s starting soon!”  The lawyer announced.

“We have no choice.  We have to go!”  Scott commanded.

“Just uh, timeout for a second, you do realize you’re trusting a cat on which way to go right?”  Oak asked, just confirming the current situation.

“Well we don’t exactly have any other options right now do we?!”  Scott said.

“You dirty rat.”  The cat suddenly belted out.

“Are you saying that to us?”  Scott asked the cat.

“I just like saying that.”  The cat smiled.

“Well can you say something else?”  Scott replied.

“Say hello to my little friend.”  He said, as another cat appeared in the doorway.

“WHOA, it’s another one of Taylor’s cats!”  The Arianator pulled out her camera to take another photo, but remembered her phone was locked.

“And say hello to my other little friend.”  The second snickering cat appeared on the other side of the cat named Thomas Whittington Swift Schrodinger.

“Do they talk too?”  She asked.

“No.”  The cats snickered.  “They just snicker.”

“You dirty rat…”

“Okay, can you seriously stop saying that, can you just stop saying that.”  Scott was very annoyed, now slightly agitated.

“Sorry.”  The cat said back.  “It’s just a force of habit, you know, after all, I’m always looking for rats!”

“Let me try to handle this again.”  Justin stepped towards the cats,  “Okay cat stop talking right now.”  Justin said, trying his tactic from earlier.

The cat meowed.  The two cats snickered.

“See, he’s not talking anymore.”  Justin said.  “I’m the cat whisperer!”

The cat meowed again.

“Stop meowing.”  Scott was beyond annoyed.

The cat purred loudly.

“Stop making sounds of any kind!”  Scott shouted. “Let’s just go.  At this point I don’t even care where you’re taking us.”

Taylor Swift’s cats smiled and turned to lead the way.  Welcome, my friends, to the series premier of The Cat Always Wins.

@taylorswift

[helshades]

Good morning, my love! I wondered your thoughts on whether Le Pens would succeed in the election or not? As well as how likely a Frexit would be should she win? And maybe a little curious where all the worldbuilding is, too, *sobs*

A most excellent (although slightly terribly belated) evening to you, my dear! I answer you from the pit of the Helcave, through litres of sno... tears, in this dire hour of ailment, because I have way too tardied already, caught as I was amidst my new crepe paper flower project and the various ills that befall the imprudent cave-dweller; as the Queen of the Undead (by interim) I do command many foul things, but not the viruses, apparently.

Anyway, you sobbing, me sneezing, ‘tis not advancing the worldbuilding terribly, is it? Yeah. Thing is, I miss it too, but it seems the dry spell has got something to do with the horrid lack of new material, for such a long time. While I know I’ve more than enough to go with old notes and three movies as presently, I’d like MOAR and most of all, I’d like a rejuvenated fandom: from my corner of the Interwebz, it had become gradually impossible to work amongst the collective cries for overzealous social justice—“Loki is secretly intersex!” “Stop assigning Groot a gender!” “Why is Star-Lord white?” etc.—and the depletion of our ranks, as exemplified by one notable correspondent who went utterly fruitcake after I disagreed with her on the topic of Jane Foster being written as autistic.

In fewer words, I’m always welcoming prompts, even though I’m approximatively 5,238 ones late, but the engine is due to start running smoothly again as soon as we get a trailer for Ragnarök, or set pictures, or ANYTHING—I, for one, would love to get creative about the system of government in Asgard and how there should be a popular revolution anytime soon, shortly followed, preferably, by Loki getting thrown overboard the blooming planet by an angry mob with the Asgardian version of a pitchfork (probably golden anyhow).

Speaking of usurping tarts forming a terrible basis for government, hey, do you know the best news from Frogland ever? We don’t have to worry only about Marine Le Pen getting her grubby hands over the country! Now, with added psychological torment, enter the right wing’s champion, François Fillon! Here, a good illustration of our current main source of anguish:

Note that the true exploit behind this photo-montage wasn’t to mash up good ol’ Maggie and Tête de Fion, rather to find a photograph of him smiling in the first place. In fact, I’m pretty sure that was Photoshopped—unless a paparazzo caught him right after his early morning flagellation and got him to snicker with a cry of “À mort la Sécu !”

How to better state my thoughts... Well, let’s say that it’s not only the resistible rise of fascism in Europe we should care about, but also the considerably more pregnant and irresistible rise of Angela Merkel-friendly Ordoliberalism and the blatant annihilation of over a hundred years of hard-won social struggles. More than ever, the Right intends to rob us of healthcare, labour protection and free (quality) education—the worst thing being that most of the self-proclaimed Left wants exactly the same thing, albeit on a longer term, perhaps, but that’s about it. Yesterday, we got the results of the Primary election for the Left parties—we have primaries too, now, go figure—and the two finalists are going to be Benoît Hamon (theoretically a leftist, rather on the green sides on several accounts, did confess to great admiration for Bernie Sanders) and Manuel Valls, the only recently-resigned Prime Minister, a man whose hatred of unions was strikingly palpable, and who, a mere months ago, violated all democratic principles to force an unjust labour law on the French people. If he ends up the Left’s main man, the 2017 presidential election is going to be a real blast, and the proverbial choice between Charybdis and Scylla, the sequel, now with Scylla’s long-lost little sister Manuel.

I almost remarked that if Le Pen got elected, at least maybe we’d get something good out of it when she charts Valls back off to Spain, but upon reflection, I dare say the Spanish have suffered quite enough from authoritarianism, plus I guess it would be a poor consolation indeed. Still, I wonder: could Marine Le Pen truly become France’s very own President Trump...? In reality, I suppose she could, but a lot of people who would hesitate before voting for someone who hasn’t totally succeeded in wiping out the memory of her father yet (and quite right, too) won’t bat an eyelid before rushing to the voting booth in the name of François Fillon. Especially old money and the Catholic ultras, but that can’t be all, alas.

And while we’re on the subject of European evils, I don’t really believe in the extreme right version of a Frexit. Yes, I know the nationalists and pals aren’t too warm-hearted when it comes to European regulation, but liberalism isn’t exactly incompatible with fascism, either. I would even dare suggesting that liberalism, especially the current economic model, rapidly spiralling to deregulation and a profound dehumanisation of the peoples which nourish it, encourages the rise of fascism as it drives social classes further apart, disarming the lower ones and freeing the upper ones of any guilt...

Quoting well-known left-oriented philosopher & economist Frédéric Lordon:

‘Here is the question underlying this libellous accusation: wouldn’t leaving the European Union condemn us to sovereignist regression? There is a lot to say, here: first, I don’t regard either “sovereignist” or “sovereignism” as swearwords, unless you would belittle the idea itself—which is the ultimate modern idea. And let me be clear: I don’t say modern the way the journalist stooges of liberalism use “modern” and “archaic” every few editorial; I say modern in the historic sense, as “modernity” is a period which started in the 16th century, and which stated that peoples should not be ruled by commandments issued from any cloud-borne god, or by his Earth-bound delegates—and that the peoples had to take their own fates in hand. This is what sovereignty is about, conceptually. That one would seek to disqualify such idea says a great lot about the anti-democratic principles of the European institutions, and of all those supporting them.’

‘Besides, leaving the Eurozone doesn’t have to condemn you to the shrivelled, regressive, nationalistic and identitarian version of sovereignty—indeed, the latter is entirely possible. But we do not have to choose such regression, because nothing actually prevents us, if we so decide to abandon single currency, from developing as much as we can all relations between peoples, and for good this time. Although not, this time around, by throwing them onto and against one another because of murderous economic policies. What would stop us, out of the Euro, to do the exact same thing we once did before we got the Euro? Meaning international programmes for industrial cooperation (like Airbus, or Ariane Espace), scientific cooperation, and other things aplenty? Do we really need the straitjacket of a single currency for students to travel, for scientists to travel, for artistic exchanges to take place, as well as transversal teaching programmes on national histories and the making of a European history, for developing the translation of the literatures of Europe...? Nothing actually prevents it. It says a lot about the colonisation accomplished by neoliberal obsessions that we are now only capable of thinking that the only possible internationalism has to be this of capital and single currency.’

‘To want to relinquish the Euro doesn’t have to do with monetary fetishism. It’s not about going crazy over mere currency. What we call the Euro is much more than money, banknotes and monetary politics: the Euro is a global institutional system for economic policies. This is what we should abandon completely. In order to change the E.U. “from the inside”, we would have to see organised progressive political forces come into power simultaneously in a great number of member countries. The probability to see an actual government on the radical left is already infinitesimal, so the hypothesis of 6 or 7 at the same time is very nearly ridiculous. The Central Bank or Europe has the power, totally illegitimate, totally implicit, but totally efficient, to bring down any government that would attempt to oppose any of the European treaties...’

The current, and soon-to-be-former, government has done some work, too, to encourage most people in believing that Frexit = fascism, all the while slashing social protection and beating the occasional striker to a pulp, when the genuine article has been making vibrant spiels on poverty and labour, overall nicking a lot of arguments... from the radical left. The paradox isn’t one: both extremes join on populist propaganda, therefore the extreme right had a lot to gain from borrowing facts and ideas from the far left then grind them in its own rhetoric.

‘Labour, under the arbitrary management of the capitalist regime, is odious; people know this because they’re living it, and because they are many more still to be living it. Middle classes used to give zero fuck about the ill treatments inflected to the working class, for the first two decades of the neoliberal system. Now, unfortunately, the level of the muddy waters is rising, and all suffer.’

Sincerely, if Marine Le Pen became the Présidente this May, I’m not too sure the promised referendum on a possible Frexit would get positive results, and lead to the actual Frexit, even if it’s a UKIP-friendly kind of Frexit. People seem mostly afraid of leaving the E.U., although mostly because they keep being told it’s not possible and they shall lose everything and hordes of cutlass-chewing commies are to surge into their very homes to read some Karl Marx to their children. Also, unlike the Brits, we’ve actually got Euro coins to dispose of, you know, and it will be costly.

[clubsocial-india]

New on Sports Illustrated: COVID-19 Is Having an Impact on the Market for Veteran Contract Extensions

While Jamal Adams and Dak Prescott in the news, it's worth noting that uncertainty over the salary cap is clogging up the market. Plus, notes on Day 1 of the NFL's Quarterback Coaching Summit.

It’s Monday afternoon, let’s go …

• With Jamal Adams’s contract situation in the news, it’s certainly worth looking into how slow the pace of veteran extensions has been in general this offseason. Digging through it, I could find just three examples of guys getting big-time extensions with years left on their deals since America went into lockdown, without a trade being part of it (DeForest Buckner and Darius Slay got paid as part of trades). One was Panthers RB Christian McCaffrey, another was Texans OT Laremy Tunsil and a third was Bills S Jordan Poyer (whose deal was done before things went really crazy). Meanwhile, contract-year stars like Joey Bosa, Jalen Ramsey, Ronnie Stanley, Ryan Kelly, Alvin Kamara, Dalvin Cook, Chris Godwin, George Kittle, Keenan Allen, Patrick Peterson, Von Miller, and, yes, Adams are waiting for theirs. So the natural question: Is this COVID-related? And the answer is yes. The looming revenue shortfall doesn’t just make cash an issue for some teams, it also makes projecting the cap a problem. If there are big losses in 2020, that means the league and union will have to borrow from future years to keep the 2021 cap level to this year, which could mean ramifications reaching into 2022 and ’23. You may remember back in 2010 and early ’11, teams were hesitant do long-term deals for guys because of salary cap uncertainty. Same thing, to a degree, this year. Which might mean a lot of guys waiting a while for deals. And that could add an interesting twist to the seasons of some teams.

• And that brings us to Dak Prescott, and how the uncertainty over the cap might make it tough to project how a deal at $40 million per season will be accounted for in the coming years. Let’s say he does a deal with flat cap numbers. And let’s say, absent the pandemic, the cap was going to be around $270 million in 2023, which may be conservative based on the expected influx of TV and broadcast money. Under those conditions, Prescott’s deal, then in its fourth year, would account for 14.8% of Dallas’s cap. Now, let’s say, the coronavirus impact knocks the cap number in 2023 down to $220 million. In that case, Prescott’s deal is accounting for 18.2% of the team’s cap. That’s a pretty massive difference, when you consider this is one of 53 contracts. And it doesn’t mean the Joneses won’t get Prescott done. But it does explain why it could complicate things for him, and the other 13 guys who are currently franchised.

• Speaking of that, Prescott became the ninth franchised player (and 10th tagged player, if you count Cardinals transitioned RB Kenyan Drake) to sign his tender. That leaves five guys unsigned in the group: Bucs OLB Shaq Barrett, Bengals WR A.J. Green, Chiefs DT Chris Jones, Jaguars DE Yannick Ngaukoe and Broncos S Justin Simmons. All the tagged guys have until July 15 to do deals. So what’s the difference for these five? They can wait until Week 1 to sign, if they’d like, without losing a dime, because they’re not under contract.

• I really enjoyed Day 1 of the NFL Quarterback Coaching Summit (a joint venture by the Black College Football Hall of the Fame and the NFL), which I wrote about in last week’s GamePlan, so here are some good tidbits. Titans coach Mike Vrabel was the first speaker, and he dove into his philosophy on leadership (“We will treat you the same as you treat the team”), and how to interview (he passed out iPads on his interviews, rather the traditional “book” that coaches keep) before explaining keys in assembling a staff. I thought maybe the most interesting part was how he said having diversity of race and background on hand was important, to give a staff the best chance of reaching every individual player on the roster. Also, he mentioned how it was important to support the ambitions of assistants, and that losing them to promotion “means you’re hiring the right people,” and he listed the trainer with the GM and owner among the most important relationships a head coach has. There was also this, on the idea of culture: “When you’re winning, culture is easy. … Culture is what you look like at the worst moment. I hope everyone has a good culture at 7-1, but what does it look like at 2-5?”

• Also great was a panel hosted by my buddy Steve Wyche of NFL Network, one that included Steelers owner Art Rooney II, Giants owner John Mara, former Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome, Bucs coach Bruce Arians and Texans limited partner Javier Loya. Both owners acknowledged the trend toward offensive coaches, and it was interesting to hear Mara admit that he’d fallen victim to those sorts of things in the past. “A lot of us have fallen into that trap, looking at the Sean McVay, the Kyle Shanahan, and you think you’re just going to get the next one,” Mara said. “I look at the head coach now as more of a CEO. I don’t care if he’s an offensive play-caller or a defensive play-caller.” Rooney echoed the point, saying that looking at the Steelers’ stability, from Chuck Noll to Bill Cowher and now to Mike Tomlin, there has been a common thread. “The most important thing all three of them had in common, they’re all great communicators,” Rooney said. “If there was one thing we were always looking for in a head coach, it would be that.” Rooney also advocated for finding a way to slow down the process of coach hiring (it’s how he found Tomlin, even with legit candidates in house), though he added that he understood how competition for guys makes that idea difficult to implement.

• Arians, for his part, was passionate on the call. He said doing your job well, whatever that job might be at the moment, should come first, because that’s how you build respect among your peers. “Respect among your peers is the most important thing,” he continued. “I had respect among my peers, I didn’t give a damn if I got a job.” So what difference can that respect make? Arians recalled telling anyone who’d listen, on Vic Fangio, “If he’s not at the top of your list, you’re missing the boat.” Arians also pointed out how his very diverse staff is made up of a lot of guys he identified as potential coaches when he had them as players, which is something he hopes coaches get more aggressive doing. “These guys all played for me, so I had a long pool of guys I worked with,” Arians said. “You don’t hire strangers in my office, you hire guys I trust.”

• Another point of discussion was how narratives (i.e. hot candidates) can drive coaching searches. That’s where Newsome jumped in, explaining that the Ravens always keep lists of coaches of interest. “We create our own lists,” Newsome said. “We come to a collective agreement on the people we want to interview, and that’s based on the information we get when we talk to our area scouts, and our coaches and people around the league.” That, he mentioned, is how they found an Eagles special teams coach to be particularly intriguing. John Harbaugh’s been a pretty good hire.

• Sorry to sink the whole column into this—but it really was a pretty awesome deal, and there’s more coming Tuesday. Among the other parts of Monday’s festivities: Ex-Browns coach Hue Jackson with a detailed breakdown on the first 30 days on the job for a head coach; Saints assistant D.J. Williams on being a quality control coach; Stanford OC Tavita Pritchard on QB drill work; and Maryland OC Scottie Montgormery and Bucs OC Byron Leftwich on staff/coordinator dynamics. (I’ll try and get you some more info Tuesday on Twitter.)

• One thing from Falcons coach Dan Quinn, left over from this morning’s column, that I found particularly fascinating: He’s going to build all the possibilities he can think of for the fall of 2020 into his training camp schedule, and that means all of them. “What I do know is the teams that adjust the best are gonna be the ones that preform the best. Because what we’ve all seen is there’s been a lot of moving parts and things have changed, so there’s gonna be change during the season—players out due to COVID and all that,” Quinn said. “So during camp, when we do get together, we’ll have time where, and I’ll do it for myself first, OK, I’m out, or the playcaller’s out, where we keep showing them, here’s where adjustments have to take place, and we’re able to hit them, so we have contingency plans.” Pretty smart thinking there, and it’s not exactly hard to conjure a scenario where such a contingency plan might have to be enacted.

• The NFL re-opened its New York office on Monday. So if you want some good news on where all this is headed, there’s some for you. And, by the way, the Raiders opened their facility in Nevada, too, which means they’ve officially left California after spending their first 60 seasons in the nation’s most populous state.

• Question or comment? Email us.

June 23, 2020 at 05:12AM COVID-19 Is Having an Impact on the Market for Veteran Contract Extensions from Blogger https://ift.tt/2zUbLnC

[ionecoffman]

When Will People Get Better at Talking About Suicide?

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please know that you are not alone. If you are in danger of acting on suicidal thoughts, call 911. For support and resources, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741-741 for the Crisis Text Line.

Suicide is on the rise in the United States, but people still don’t know quite how to talk about it.

According to data released this week by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide has risen by 30 percent in the United States between 1999 and 2016. It is the tenth leading cause of death in the country. This news happened to come out the same week that two high-profile figures—the fashion designer Kate Spade, and the chef and food journalist Anthony Bourdain—died, apparently of suicide.

Any celebrity death, regardless of cause, leads to a predictable pattern of behavior on social media, a unique and uncomfortable blend of public mourning, attention seeking, and “grief policing.” When a famous person’s death is a suicide, there are more layers—distribution of resources and hotlines, speculation about the deceased’s mental state, the sharing of personal struggles with mental illness, along with calls for destigmatization.

Much of this is well intentioned, just people processing the news together on the platforms we’ve grown accustomed to using for the processing of all things. But inevitably there are crass responses, too.

When it comes to suicide, the perverse incentives of the internet combined with human callousness can sometimes lead to incidents like a YouTube star posting a joking video about the dead body of an apparent suicide victim, or to publications responding to the suicide of a celebrity not with responsible journalism or thoughtful remembrances but shameless attempts for clicks. In the latest such case, Newsweek responded to Bourdain’s death on Friday with a series of stories with headlines like “Who Is Anthony Bourdain’s Daughter, Ariane? Celebrity Chef Found Dead at 61” (which appears to have been later changed to “What Anthony Bourdain’s Daughter Ariane Said About His Cooking”), seemingly intended to wring traffic from search engines.

Death is always messy and hard to understand, suicide even more so. It’s a broad (and increasing) public-health problem with a million different faces, affected by many factors. Mental illness is one of them, but the CDC also found that experiences such as relationship problems, financial problems, loss of housing, and substance use, among others, contributed to some suicide deaths. The traumas and losses of people’s lives and the ways they respond to them are infinitely varied and context-dependent. And that makes suicide hard to talk about.

“We use the heart-disease analogy a lot, because in a lot of ways it fits suicide beautifully,” says Christine Moutier, the chief medical officer at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. “In addition to biological risk factors, life stressors, the environment, smoking, obesity, stress, and relationship conflict play into heart-disease outcomes. That is the same with suicide. It’s just that because it is a behavioral manifestation of a complex set of variables, it’s harder for people to get their head around.”

There’s also a reasonable fear of the damage that can be done by discussing it in the wrong way. Research has shown that portrayals of suicide in the media can lead to imitative attempts by others. The Netflix show 13 Reasons Why came under fire in 2017 for its graphic and, some said, glamorizing depiction of a teen character’s suicide, and indeed, a study later found that suicide-related searches on Google rose in the days after the show’s release. For this reason, journalists typically abide by careful guidelines when reporting on suicide, which include recommendations like avoiding detailed descriptions of methods, not oversimplifying the causes that lead to a person taking their life, and avoiding photos of grieving loved ones, so as not to sensationalize the death.

“People worry about talking about [suicide] because it provides people with a script,” says Bernice Pescosolido, a professor of sociology at Indiana University who studies suicide and the stigma of mental illness. But when people hear each other’s stories of struggling with mental illness, or with suicidal thoughts, it reduces stigma and helps people to know they’re not alone, she says. And social media provides an opportunity for these helpful conversations, as well as harmful ones.

“I think we’re definitely in a transition phase right now,” Moutier says, “where there’s both a huge progression of improvement, and a mixture of some of the old assumptions and judgements still floating around. I’m referring to blaming the person for being cowardly, or assuming that suicide is a sudden and unpredictable fluky moment of losing their head. That really goes against the science.”

This cultural transition may be awkward, because as stigma slowly recedes and people become more willing to have these conversations, that doesn’t mean they know how to have them. For example, Pescosolido says she sees among her students more openness to sharing their experiences with mental illness, but they still “don’t know how and when to disclose it.”

Resources like suicide hotlines are important tools, but they are not the only forums for people to talk about what they’re going through, and may not be attractive to everyone in need. On Friday, the day Anthony Bourdain died, many people on Twitter were emphasizing the importance of reaching out to loved ones who seem at risk for suicide, or simply those who are struggling. The model Chrissy Teigen wrote, “In my deepest, darkest postpartum depression, I would have personally never called a phone number.”

In my deepest, darkest post-partum depression, I would have personally never called a phone number. If John or my doctor never reached out, I would have never even known. It really can be a lonely hole. Watch the people you love and don’t be afraid to speak up.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 8, 2018

Check on your strong friends. Check on your quiet friends. Check on your "happy" friends. Check on your creative friends. Check on each other.

— lauren warren (@iamlaurenp) June 8, 2018

Pescosolido has a theory, based on some of the sociologist Émile Durkheim’s late-19th-century writings on suicide. People are quick to blame loneliness and a lack of social integration for suicide, she says. “The other dimension that we tend to forget about is how much people guide you, and oversee what you do, and tell you when you screw up and help you right your path—the regulation that social networks accomplish in your life,” she says, wondering whether “the ability of your family, friends, or society to guide you is what’s been going away, not so much the lack of connectedness.”

Sometimes a restricting sort of politeness, the desire not to bother each other, can build walls between people, especially in a time when we’re hyperaware of how many other texts and emails and Facebook notifications our friends are probably getting. Pescosolido posits that society has come to focus on the rights of individuals, to the detriment of people’s obligations to each other. “I think that comes at a social cost,” she says. Formerly taboo subjects like suicide have become less off-limits as stigmas have eased, but these shifts take time.

“In the 1950s, you never told anybody you had cancer,” she says. “Many problems have gone through this, and we’ve made progress on others. Issues with the mind, and the brain, and personal relationships are the last frontier. They’re the last thing we need to learn how to talk about.”

Article source here:The Atlantic

[yahoo-shutdown-corner-blog]

NFL Winners and Losers: It's time for Andy Reid to bench Alex Smith

Chiefs coach Andy Reid didn’t want to talk about it, although everyone else in Kansas City wants to.

Reid said he never considered benching Alex Smith for rookie Patrick Mahomes during Sunday’s 16-10 loss to the Buffalo Bills. He won’t consider starting Mahomes next week either.

“No,” Reid said. “That’s not where I’m at right now. There were a couple other things I’ve got to take care of.”

It’s not a huge surprise. It would be a bold move to change from a solid veteran quarterback to a raw rookie when the Chiefs are in first place of the AFC West. But it’s the right move.

We don’t know what Mahomes is yet, but he has undeniable talent. Smith is struggling. He started this season very well, but the offense has entirely bogged down. Kansas City Star columnist Sam Mellinger said Smith “is the Chiefs’ worst player” at the moment, which should give you an idea what that region is thinking about Smith. At the very least it feels like the Chiefs have a ceiling with Smith, and it’s not a trip to a Super Bowl. The way Smith is playing, the Chiefs probably won’t be able to get anywhere close to an AFC title.

There’s a historical precedent for this type of change at quarterback working out well, and it involves Smith. In 2012, Smith suffered a concussion in the San Francisco 49ers’ ninth game. Colin Kaepernick, who had a big arm and great athleticism but not much experience, came in. The 49ers’ season ended in the Super Bowl that year, a few yards from winning it. Kaepernick played very well when given the chance. Mahomes, the 10th pick of this year’s draft with a cannon arm and fantastic athletic ability, might not play like that right away (Kaepernick was in his second season, and most people believe Mahomes needs extra time to develop), but the Chiefs have lost five of six. They lead the Chargers and Raiders by just a game in the division. The idea they could go into New England or Pittsburgh and win a playoff game seems laughable, given how they’ve played lately. There’s not much to lose anymore.

The more accurate historical precedent might be the 2006 Denver Broncos (I wrote about that comparison extensively this summer). The Broncos were 7-4 after losing to the Chiefs on Thanksgiving. They were in the playoff mix, but felt they had reached their peak with Jake Plummer. They drafted exciting Jay Cutler early in the first round, and felt it was worth the gamble to go to him after Thanksgiving weekend. The Broncos lost three of their last five and missed the playoffs, but Cutler played fairly well and the foundation was set for him to be the starter of the future (this plan got sidetracked by Josh McDaniels, but that’s a story for another day).

Perhaps the Chiefs would get worse down the stretch with Mahomes. That’s the risk. But with how bad the Chiefs have looked — they scored 10 points Sunday against a Bills defense that had allowed 135 points in its past three games to the Jets, Saints and Chargers — what are you really giving up? Hanging on for a division title and being bounced out of the playoffs right away? The Chiefs team that started the season 5-0 with Smith looking like an MVP candidate is long gone.

At this point, it seems clear Mahomes will be the 2018 starter, barring a really remarkable turnaround this season by Smith. The Chiefs save $17 million in cap space by cutting Smith after this season. That’s significant. Based on how Smith has struggled lately, along with Mahomes’ draft pedigree and how good he looked in the preseason, it’s an easy decision to cut Smith in a few months. That would make a decision to go with Mahomes for the rest of this season easier to handle. If he’s going to be the starter in 2018 anyway, why not gamble that he can save this season too? At the very least he’d get experience for next season, like Cutler in 2006.

This isn’t a Nathan Peterman situation. The Bills were wrong to go with him when they were in a playoff race. Mahomes was the 10th pick of the draft, and Peterman was a fifth-round pick. The Chiefs are gambling, but they’re gambling on a supremely talented player and their expectations are higher than just getting to the playoffs. They’ve been to the postseason with Smith. They want to go to a Super Bowl. Smith isn’t getting them there. Mahomes might not either, but it’s time to start finding out. The Chiefs have a fairly easy schedule coming up. They could get Mahomes some confidence, and then they can see what happens after that.

Smith has been a good quarterback for the Chiefs. He helped Reid get things going in Kansas City after Romeo Crennel’s horrendous 2-14 season as head coach. Smith was important for the franchise. But Kansas City has also probably gone as far as they can with him. This season that looked so promising after a 5-0 start is fading fast. Nothing might save it, but it’s time for Reid to take a chance at salvaging it by making a big move at quarterback.

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Alex Smith struggled again in the Chiefs’ loss to the Bills. (AP)

Here are the rest of the winners and losers from Week 12 in the NFL season:

WINNERS

Blaine Gabbert: Earlier this month, Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians colorfully said that Gabbert’s struggles have come from being on bad teams. While that ignores that Gabbert was a big part of those teams being bad, Arians’ statement looked smart on Sunday.

Against the Jacksonville Jaguars’ defense, which is the best in the NFL, Gabbert played well. He threw for 241 yards and a couple touchdowns. In the final seconds he hit a couple big passes to set up a clutch 57-yard game-winning field goal with one second remaining by Phil Dawson. Yes, it really was Blaine Gabbert doing that to the Jaguars.

One solid afternoon doesn’t mean the Cardinals have found the guy to replace Carson Palmer. Gabbert, the former Jaguars first-round pick, has had brief flashes before and has fallen apart shortly after. Maybe Sunday will be Gabbert’s one shining moment with Arizona. But the Cardinals do need to figure out what happens if Palmer retires, Gabbert was a high draft pick once upon a time, and Arians seems to believe that on a better team Gabbert can fulfill some of that promise. That remains to be seen. But the win over the Jaguars at least provides a bit of hope that Gabbert can revive a career that once looked dead.

Jared Goff: If there was any concern about the Los Angeles Rams slipping a bit after losing last week to the Minnesota Vikings, they put that to rest on Sunday.

With Goff playing a fine game, the Rams kept their hopes for a top-two seed in the NFC alive. Los Angeles beat the New Orleans Saints 26-20 in a game that never seemed in doubt.

Rams coach Sean McVay put this game on Goff’s shoulders, which is something that would have sounded weird a few months ago. But Goff has improved more than any player in the NFL this season. Goff took advantage of a beat-up Saints secondary, completing 28-of-43 passes for 354 yards and two touchdowns. Whenever the Rams needed a big play, Goff seemed to come up with one. He is a completely different player than last season.

Had the Rams lost, they would have been two games behind the Vikings and Saints and three behind the Eagles in the NFL. Now they’re 8-3, tied with the Saints and a game behind the Vikings. Maybe they don’t get that first-round bye, but this has been a special season for the Rams and it’s not stopping anytime soon.

Rob Gronkowski: Every once in a while, Gronkowski reminds us why he’s the most dominant tight end that has ever played in the NFL.

Gronkowski is somewhat quietly headed toward another 1,000-yard season, and he was a handful for the Miami Dolphins on Sunday. Gronkowski had 82 yards and a pair of touchdowns. He now has seven touchdowns in 10 games and, again, nobody’s really talking about him.

Gronkowski is capable of games like Sunday whenever the Patriots decide to feature him. They don’t need to. Brandin Cooks is having a good first season with the Patriots. Chris Hogan is dangerous when healthy. It seems like there’s a different running back scoring every week. That’s the way the Patriots operate, but Gronkowski is usually the constant in the spread-it-around philosophy. When he’s healthy he’s unstoppable, and he is healthy now. Gronkowski did miss one game this season with a thigh injury, and that set off some alarms given his history, but he’s fine now. And as long as Gronkowski remains fine, the Patriots are as good as ever.

Tyrod Taylor and the Buffalo Bills: The most fortunate thing that happened to the Bills and coach Sean McDermott was that rookie Nathan Peterman was so bad in his ill-advised start that McDermott had no choice but to turn back to Taylor.

Taylor wasn’t great on Sunday, but he gives the team a better chance to win than a fifth-round rookie. Taylor had 183 yards and a touchdown and perhaps more importantly, no interceptions (Peterman threw five in a half last week), in a huge 16-10 win over the Kansas City Chiefs.

The Bills might not be the strongest team, but they’re 6-5 and the rest of the AFC wild-card contenders are flawed too. Winning a game at Kansas City will be a big deal as the Bills try to get their first playoff berth since 1999. They wouldn’t have stayed in the race with Peterman, but luckily for them McDermott couldn’t double down on his mistake after last week.

Julio Jones: It took a while, but Atlanta Falcons offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian seems to have figured out that his best plan is to get Jones the ball.

Jones was having a quiet season before Sunday. He had 54 catches, 786 yards and one touchdown through 10 games. That’s not bad, though it was his lowest yards per game since 2012 and he has never been in a touchdown slump like that. Then against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jones turned his season around.

Jones had 12 catches for 253 yards and two touchdowns. He even caught a 51-yard touchdown pass from fellow receiver Mohamed Sanu. No fantasy owners will be complaining about Jones after that day.

The Falcons won 34-20 thanks to Jones’ big day, and it seems they are turning a corner. The Falcons beat the Cowboys, won at Seattle and beat the Bucs, and looked good in all three games. The Falcons didn’t look great in the first half of the season but getting Jones more involved might be the key to taking off down the stretch, just like they did last season.

LOSERS

Jacksonville Jaguars and their hold on the AFC South: The Jaguars’ path to a division title was pretty clear. They’re the best team in the AFC South, had a one-game lead over the Tennessee Titans and they had an easy schedule the rest of the way.

A last-second loss to the Arizona Cardinals is not a death blow, but it starts to erase some of Jacksonville’s margin for error. The Titans keep barely beating bad teams, as they squeaked out a 20-16 win over the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday. The Jaguars and Titans are now tied for first place at 7-4. The Jaguars play at the Titans in Week 17, so unless Jacksonville collapses it seems that finale will decide the division. But the way in which Jacksonville lost Sunday is a concern.

This was a game in which the Jaguars couldn’t hide Blake Bortles. That’s the cloud over this great start. Bortles was 19 of 33 for 160 yards, no touchdowns and a damaging interception in the fourth quarter. When the Jaguars got the ball back deep in their territory with 1:14 left, they ran on first down, Bortles threw a short incompletion, and they ran again on third down. A team with confidence in its quarterback wouldn’t play it so safe on that possession. The Jaguars punted, and that led to the Cardinals’ game-winning field goal.

The quarterback problem isn’t going away. The defense is incredible, and scored another big touchdown Sunday. The offense can be good at times, but there are games in which they fall behind and need Bortles to do more, and that’s rarely a good formula for them. The Jaguars need to avoid those games as long as they can.

The Browns and a very questionable call against them: The Cleveland Browns are 0-11, and once again lost by double digits, but this time they should feel like the officials cost them a shot at the win.

In the fourth quarter of a 23-16 game, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton threw deep on third down to Josh Malone. Malone had the ball but Browns safety Jabrill Peppers hit him hard and knocked it loose for an incompletion. It looked like a great play by Peppers, one that would set up a Bengals punt. Then came the flag for unnecessary roughness.

Malone didn’t seem like a defenseless receiver after taking a few steps. Cleveland.com reported that Browns coach Hue Jackson was told it was a helmet-to-helmet hit, and while Peppers’ helmet grazed Malone’s helmet, that’s questionable. It was a tough penalty to swallow for the Browns. The Bengals scored a few plays later to seal the game.

There’s nothing else Peppers could have done. He played it well. The NFL is trying to improve player safety, and that’s commendable, but the game is violent and players need to be allowed to play. It would be hard to find any football player who would agree with that call. The Browns have found many ways to lose during their horrible start, but this was a new one.

The Carolina Panthers’ passing game (other than Devin Funchess): The Panthers keep winning, and there’s no question they’ll be a tough out in the playoffs. But the flaw that keeps coming up is the lack of depth in the passing game.

On Sunday, Devin Funchess caught seven passes for 108 yards. Everyone else combined caught four passes for 60 yards. No other receiver caught a pass. Christian McCaffrey caught two, Ed Dickson caught one and Greg Olsen caught one. That was it.

Kelvin Benjamin was traded. Curtis Samuel is on IR. Olsen came back, only to drop out of Sunday’s game with soreness in his previously injured foot. There just isn’t much for Cam Newton to work with.

The Panthers keep winning, and they pulled off a 35-27 win over the Jets on Sunday. There’s more than one way to win in the NFL, and the Panthers are a good example of that. But it’s hard to believe a team in this era could be so thin in the passing game and make a long playoff run.

Anyone who thinks they’ll catch the Eagles in the NFC: The 10-1 Eagles are now two games clear of all but one team in the NFC, and a game ahead of current No. 2 seed Minnesota. The Saints’ loss at the Los Angeles Rams was probably a good thing for the Eagles. And it doesn’t look like anyone can stop Philadelphia.

The Eagles are rolling. Carson Wentz threw three touchdowns in an easy 31-3 win over the Chicago Bears and probably could have thrown more had the Eagles been in a closer game. Tight end Zach Ertz and receiver Alshon Jeffery had good days. The running game was effective again. And the defense didn’t allow a first down in the first half, the first time an Eagles defense has pulled that off in 25 years. There’s no weakness with the Eagles anymore.

The Vikings have the best chance of tracking down the Eagles in the NFC, but they have tough games at Atlanta and at Carolina the next two weeks. Eagles fans have waited a long time for their first Super Bowl title, and the road to the NFC title looks like it will go through Philadelphia.

– – – – – – –

Frank Schwab is the editor of Shutdown Corner on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at shutdown.corner@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter! Follow @YahooSchwab

More NFL coverage from Yahoo Sports: • Broncos-Raiders game turns ugly with massive brawl • Vietnam vet gives gift to protesting Seahawks star • Jets star’s harmless fun irks TV broadcaster • Paxton Lynch’s horrible day ends in tears on the bench

[yahoo-roto-arcade-blog]

Cardinals No. 11 on fantasy power ranks: David Johnson eyes history

Juggernaut Index, No. 11: David Johnson eyeing history in Arizona

There have been nine individual seasons in NFL history in which a player has finished with at least 800 rushing and 800 receiving yards. It’s a rare double dip. Marshall Faulk managed to do it three times, because he was unfair. Faulk and Roger Craig are the only players to top 1000 yards rushing and receiving in the same season. It’s an accomplishment so rare and so difficult that it really shouldn’t even be discussed as an attainable goal.

And yet last year, David Johnson was right there. He became the ninth member of the 800/800 club in Week 15 last season. Then, the following week, he surged past 2000 scrimmage yards. Johnson entered Arizona’s final game with a realistic shot at reaching 1000 receiving yards for the year, but a first-quarter MCL sprain derailed the effort.

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In the end, Johnson had to settle for leading the NFL in both scrimmage yards (2118) and touchdowns (20). He also led all running backs in targets (120), catches (80) and receiving yards (879). Johnson of course topped all fantasy scorers at his position by a wide margin. The most impressive aspect of his season was his ridiculous week-to-week consistency; he exceeded 100 total yards in every game through Week 16. When you needed him most, during the fantasy playoffs, he delivered 244 scrimmage yards and five touchdowns over two weeks.

Johnson was, without question, the most valuable asset in fantasy last season, regardless of your scoring format — and this year, he expects to be better. Johnson and head coach Bruce Arians have both openly discussed the possibility of increasing his workload.

“He’s still too young to over-use,” Arians said back in March.

We probably wouldn’t get widespread agreement from medical professionals on Arians’ too-young-to-over-use hypothesis, so that’s a small concern for anyone tied to DJ in a dynasty league. But it’s clear Johnson is going to see all the work he can possibly handle in 2017. He’s the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy. Don’t overthink it. Johnson has repeatedly mentioned the possibility of delivering history’s third 1000/1000 season, and, coming from him, it doesn’t seem entirely crazy. If any back is going to approach 400 touches, DJ is the guy.

One of the many benefits to landing the top overall pick in a fantasy draft is that you can snag Johnson at the top, then spend the next 3-4 rounds stacking receivers. Owning DJ means you’ll be favored to win the RB matchup each week, no matter who you land as your second back. He’s a monster. Draft and enjoy.

OK, Johnson is great. Got it. Let’s talk Carson Palmer.

Whatever you think of Palmer at this stage of his career, at age 37, it’s impossible to not like his draft price. His ADP in Yahoo leagues is 131.5, which is basically free. He’s not even the first Carson selected in a typical draft; Wentz’s ADP is 130.1. Palmer is going off the board later than Alex Smith, Sam Bradford, Joe Flacco, Jay Cutler, and several other QBs he could easily outproduce this season. It’s madness.

This is not to say, of course, that Palmer is without flaws. He’s a creaky old quarterback entering his fourteenth season, and he turned the ball over 18 times last year. But the man also averaged 282.2 passing yards per game in 2016 while throwing 26 touchdown passes. He can still play a little. Palmer is also just one year removed from a season in which he passed for a 4671 yards and 35 TDs, leading the league in yards per attempt (8.7). He has a quality receiving corps at his disposal and he’s worked under Arians for the past four seasons. It’s tough to imagine he won’t earn a profit at his rock-bottom price. If the team can keep Palmer upright and uninjured, he can certainly challenge for a top-12 positional finish. He’s a prime target for those who wait until the end-game to draft quarterbacks.

Because the entire fantasy world seems to view Ben Roethlisberger’s home/road splits as predictive, I feel compelled to point out that Palmer was also at his worst on the road last season. Check the totals:

Home, 2016 – 301.5 YPG, 63.6 CMP%, 7.5 Y/A, 13 TDs, 3 INTs Road, 2016 – 260.1 YPG, 58.0 CMP%, 6.6 Y/A, 13 TDs, 11 INTs

This isn’t something I’m even a tiny bit concerned about, as it isn’t a career-long issue with Palmer. But I realize that many of you need to find reasons to worry. Palmer opens with a pair of relatively friendly road games this season (at Det, at Ind), and I’m planning to rank him as a start-worthy fantasy option.

Drew Stanton remains the backup in Arizona, by the way. Let’s hope he never leaves the sideline.

Larry Fitzgerald, curiously under-appreciated fantasy star. (AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin)

What’s new in Arizona’s receiving corps?

Not much of note, but that’s OK. The familiar names on this team’s receiving depth chart aren’t too shabby. Larry Fitzgerald somewhat quietly led the NFL in receptions last season, hauling in 107 passes for 1023 yards on 150 targets. It was his second straight year with triple-digit catches and the fourth of his Hall of Fame career. He’s a slot receiver these days with a low average target distance (8.3), so his days as a 1400-yard wideout are behind him. But he still has those hands and, at 6-foot-3, he’s still a reliable red-zone threat. Fitz saw the second-most targets inside the 10-yard line last season (12). Don’t overlook him simply because he’s a familiar name. Fitzgerald is a bargain at his ADP (67.1), particularly in PPR.

After Fitz, the Cardinals’ receiving hierarchy is somewhat complicated. John Brown is the most interesting range-of-outcomes guy on this roster, but he’s dealt with various tweaks during OTAs and camp (hamstring, quad). Brown’s 2016 season was compromised by the effects of the sickle-cell trait as well as a cyst on his spine, addressed at the end of the year. When he’s right, he’s an explosive big-play specialist. Brown topped 1000 receiving yards in 2015, averaging 15.4 yards per catch. Availability has been a problem recently, however, and few things are more important to a coaching staff.

[Pick one winner a week. Play Survival Football for chance at $100K]

Brown’s current draft price (ADP 122.7) appropriately accounts for his ceiling, downside and uncertainty; you’ll get no argument from me if you take a guy with his talent outside the top-100 picks. Just make sure not to draft your way into a spot in which you’re banking on him as an every-week play.

Veteran Jaron Brown was running as the team’s No. 2 receiver with John Brown on the shelf, but that’s not likely to continue beyond the preseason. In Jaron’s best year, he caught 22 balls for 229 yards. J.J. Nelson is a deadly vertical threat with 4.28 timed speed, a terrific fit for a deep-strike offense, and he closed last season with a binge (4 TDs in 5 weeks). He’ll get interesting if/when John Brown is unable to go. Nelson doesn’t necessarily have the game’s best hands, and he’s not built to run every route (5-foot-10, maybe 160 pounds), but he can fly. He’s averaged 19.3 yards per catch over his two seasons.

Third-round rookie Chad Williams has generated little buzz, except when Arians called out his poor fitness. Pass on him, except as a very late flier in a rookie dynasty draft. This team’s tight end rarely surfaces as a fantasy factor, so you can ignore Jermaine Gresham in most formats.

Arizona’s D remains a fantasy asset.

The Cardinals defense allowed only 6.8 yards per pass attempt and 3.6 per carry last season, so this is still a formidable group. Arizona led the league in sacks (48), with Markus Golden and Chandler Jones each reaching double-digits. The Cards finished fourth in takeaways (28), too. This team has produced a top-10 fantasy D in each of the past four seasons, and it’s likely to happen again in 2017. The NFC West schedule is a definite plus.

2016 Offensive Stats & Ranks Points per game – 26.1 (6) Pass YPG – 258.5 (9) Rush YPG – 108.3 (18) Yards per play – 5.4 (19) Plays per game – 67.9 (2)

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Previous Juggernaut Index entries: 32) NY Jets, 31) San Francisco, 30) Cleveland, 29) LA Rams, 28) Baltimore, 27) Chicago, 26) Minnesota, 25) Detroit, 24) Denver, 23) Jacksonville, 22) Buffalo, 21) Philadelphia, 20) Miami, 19) Indianapolis, 18) Kansas City, 17) Washington, 16) NY Giants, 15) Tennessee, 14) LA Chargers, 13) Carolina, 12) Houston, 11) Arizona

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Titans GM for a day emails

Titans GM for a day emails

Many of the emails have been about the Titans signing this guy or trading for that player. I haven’t liked many of the suggestions as they seem grandiose. I don’t expect John Robinson to make any huge trades that become the talk of the sports world for months to come. I could surely see a player here and there being traded. Basically we are all pretending to play a game where we are JRob for a day. Here’s my thoughts:

Here are my thoughts:

I was very impressed with Denzel Johnson. Earlier, I felt the Titans had a glaring hole at the backup outfielder (free safety) position. The Jets had little trouble throwing deep until Johnson entered the game on Saturday. He shut that off like a switch.

Kevin Byard is a future star and arguably a star already. If he were to get injured, the Titans would have to replace a key cog. Are they comfortable enough with Johnson in that role? I have my doubts on that even with Johnson playing great last Saturday.

Many other writers give the impression that strong safeties and free safeties are interchangeable. Some are, some aren’t. I disagree with the consensus here. Dick Lebeau sends everything but the kitchen sink at the opposing quarterback. When he does this, that leaves the free safety in a precarious position. He must be able to “fly” to either side of the field and do a pretty good Ken Griffey Jr impersonation. The Titans don’t have those types of strong safeties. They have rugged, tough, lay some smack down type strong safeties. They have speed, sure, but I don’t think they fare so well as an outfielder. Us Titans fans have seen our secondary burned a lot the last several years. It’s possible I am being nitpicky here, but even still, I’m sticking to this type of thinking.

I could imagine the Titans trading for a quality outfielder and trying to put Johnson onto the practice squad instead.

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Commodities

The Titans do seem to have too many good strong safeties. They have starters and their depth fared very well against the Jets. Curtis Riley, Kalan Reed, and Jeremy Boykins all played well. None of them are likely to be on the Titans game day roster and probably only one makes the roster. There is going to be some concern with cutting a quality player here. It’s a “good problem” the Titans haven’t had in years, but it will happen in a couple weeks.

Us fans like to talk as if the Titans could use 7-10 wide receivers and they would have this “stable” of available talent. The reality is brutal. During a season, usually, only two wide receivers put up nice stats. A third wideout usually has an “eh” season, while the fourth gets roughly 200 yards total. The fifth wide receiver is usually fortunate to play and hopes to get 100 yards on the year. OUCH! Yeah, I get it. It’s brutal reality time. There is a huge disconnect between fans and those that do fantasy football projections about the third, fourth, and fifth wide receivers. They are moreso there for insurance and not productive week in week out. Click here for the Titans stats from last year.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way… Harry Douglas was called invaluable by Coach Mike Mularkey today. If he wants to keep Harry as the fifth wide receiver, that would mean Tajae Sharpe needs to be traded. If he wants to keep both Sharpe and Douglas, that would be six wide receivers and probably remove a spot that Eric Weems could have. The Titans only kept four receivers not that long ago. I think six is as high as they will go. If this is the case, there could be a market for Douglas or Sharpe.

Kevin Dodd still seems like a 4-3 defensive end to me. He was a big deal type player in college and on draft day. Erik Walden, Josh Carraway, Jayon Brown, and Aaron Wallace each looked good and are capable of playing outside linebacker. I still lean toward trading Dodd, as I did in the spring. A team that employs a 4-3 defense would surely love to get a defensive end that can get after the quarterback. Dodd’s issues in coverage would be washed away the second he becomes a 4-3 end.

Needs

I wasn’t pleased with Josh Kline’s performance as a backup center. If they can acquire a backup that can play both guard and center, I think they would.

I am a big fan of the David Meggett, Kevin Faulk, and Danny Woodhead mold of third down running backs or scat backs. They were invaluable to their teams. They were extremely useful and gave the other backs a rest. It seems the Titans tried to get this type in Khalfani Muhammad, but he hasn’t panned out. I like David Fluellen and Akeem Judd has looked good too. They are traditional backs that aren’t of this mold. When Mularkey took over, he seemed to adore Dexter McCluster who also was this scatback type. If the right guy is available, I could imagine the Titans signing a third down back or trading for one. Fluellen and Judd could both make the practice squad if the Titans wanted, so they would still be around.

Beau Brinkley is a wonderful under-appreciated long snapper. He hustles so well that he gets downfield and tackles the return man. He is a leader of the Titans return unit. Right now, Beau is out with a groin injury and expected to return soon. The Titans did sign long snapper Ryan DiSalvo to fill in during camp. If there is any “bad news” regarding Brinkley’s progress, they might have to trade for a long snapper. We will have to see how DiSalvo does. A trade for a long snapper would be quite unusual, but Brinkley is important to their unit. Please give this a highly doubtful, but maybe type consideration.

Odd but true

This time of the year, there usually is some veteran tackle that is near retirement and a possible cut for a team. They have some new drafted tackle and the reins are being passed to the new guy. The Titans could sure use someone like that. Taylor Lewan and Jack Conlin are superb. Dennis Kelly is a good backup, but they do lack a second backup. Most teams only keep one backup tackle on the roster, but most teams don’t have two gems like the Titans do. I could imagine this stirring up a hmmm thought for JRob. It would push another player off the roster, but I think it would be quite a debate in-house.

Trade partners?

It was evident during the two-day practice, that the Panthers could sure use a reliable wide receiver and maybe even a good deep threat/burner type. As Harry Douglas was reliable while our young wide receivers developed, he could be in that same role with them. Tajae Sharpe is more of a possession wide receiver and that could be construed as this reliable type too. The Panthers have a nice explosive offense, but they could use a reliable wideout to settle things down during “bad” times or when it seems the offense just isn’t clicking.

Many writers have suggested that the Chiefs will have to cut Charcandrick West. The thought is that they have too many quality backs to keep. West has started in the NFL and done well. He is a very good receiver and capable blocker. West is a former undrafted free agent and his attitude or mindset would likely mesh perfectly with the Titans. He could be the team’s third down back now and a quality “just in case” back should an injury occur.

ESPN quoted Bruce Arians as stating that the Arizona Cardinals only have two NFL caliber wide receivers. Naturally, I read that as he was quite displeased and it was an exaggeration out of anger. Would they be interested in a Titans wide receiver?

That Jets wide receiver corps did breeze right through the Titans defense. They sure did. On paper though, they are pretty weak at wide receiver.

What about time?

I only think the Titans would potentially trade for role players. I don’t think they will trade for anyone major. With NFL experience and a limited amount to “pick up” about how the Titans do things, I sure do think there is enough time for a veteran to get acclimated. I don’t think a rookie could.

Rashad

Yes I know, I know. I am still stuck on him. Somehow he is still available and he started for the Titans last season. I had shared an article a month or so ago which stated that he was in shape and had taken some time off for the birth of his child. He knows the Titans defense. He was professional and effective. I still think signing him is the easiest solution here.

Not available

The backup quarterback market is the weakest that I have ever seen it in my 22 years of writing. I don’t know that there even is a better alternative than Matt Cassel and Alex Tanney out there. Once you weed out the top few backups that would fetch a handsome trade, the market is brutally weak.

The post Titans GM for a day emails appeared first on Cover32.

[ifitzpatrick]

A Definitive Rankview of Black Mirror Episodes

I love Twilight Zone, but there’s another anthology that have captured my heart as well. Black Mirror hooked me with the concept of technology gone wrong. It’s crazy how into technology we are these days for the right and wrong reasons and Black Mirror shows you a future where you those technologies can work in your favor, or work against you.

Last year, season three came out on Netflix and gave a good amount of fantastic. Now, I’ve put together a small rank and review together of all the episodes of Black Mirror we have so far. Some of these KIND OF contain spoilers, so be warned beforehand.

13: The Waldo Moment : E3, S2 Starring: Daniel Rigby, Chloe Pirrie and Jason Flemyng, with Tobias Menzies, Christina Chong, James Lance and Michael Shaeffer No episode of Black Mirror is boring, but I’m pretty sure this one is an exception. “The Waldo Moment” isn’t only boring, but it really is straight down to the point and it says a lot without saying very much anything. Jamie Salter (Daniel Rigby) is a failed comedian who took up a job controlling Waldo, a blue bear that interviews and mocks political figures for late-night television. It reminds you a bit of all of figures like Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog or any figure that looks like it can be for kids but it’s not. I’m not always looking for a twist, but the straightforwardness of this episode really didn’t get to provide a twist anyway. It’s about politics, entertainment and showing that anyone and anything can become an important figure if there’s just enough power behind it.

12: Men Against Fire: E5, S3 Starring: Malachi Kirby, Madeline Brewer, Ariane Labed, Sarah Snook & Michael Kelly

“Men Against Fire” takes the thought of war and purification and turns it on its head within learning a lesson from the past. Let me explain. “Men Against Fire” turns focus to a future where the undesirables are called Roaches, these are mutated humans that are to be exterminated by soldiers. “Stripe” (Malachi Kirby) and his crew are modified with a chip called MASS that enhances all of their senses in order to fight these roaches. After Stripe’s chip malfunctions however, he finally sees who the roaches and the government really are and what they’re truly about. This episode is very much functioning lesson about the army and the effect of “protecting the bloodline” of humanity. It’s a very deep and grim future, but it’s also painfully dreadful to set though some of the time. However, I still do highly recommend it!

11: Hated in the Nation: E6, S3 Starring: Kelly Macdonald, Faye Marsa

On a more cinematic venture, “Hated by the Nation” is one of those episodes that could totally work for movie purposes. I rank it a lot lower on this list for the sheer purposes that I couldn’t get into it as much as I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a GREAT episode. It revolves around a police officer, Karin Parke (Kelly McDonald) who’s investigating a string of crimes committed against celebrities. She’s partnered with techie Blue (Faye Marsay), figuring out they’re all tied to social media with the hashtag #DeathTo. The only thing I didn’t like about this episode was how long it dragged out for. It seemed like forever until they figure out a little bit more. I understand that’s the mystery of it, but it also seems that it should have been a special instead of an episode. It has a ton of connections connecting it to other episodes as well, which was one of the coolest parts about it!

10: The National Anthem : E1, S1 Starring: Rory Kinnear and Lindsay Duncan, with Donald Sumpter, Tom Goodman-Hill, Anna Wilson-Jones and Lydia Wilson

Ah, The episode that started it all. I always like to tell people, if you can get through this episode of Black Mirror, you made it. You did it. You’re a winner. It’s a tough episode, especially the last bits, but when you get through the whole thing, you just have to raise your hands in victory because it’s basically all you can do. “The National Anthem” is something of a nightmare that had a real life headline later on. When Princess Susannah, Duchess of Beaumont is kidnapped, the Prime Minister, Michael Callow, must f*ck a pig on national television in order for her to be let go. They wrestle with the decision on if he should or shouldn’t do it. The kidnapper counts down the days until he has to do it and sends them threats (including a finger, thought to be the princesses) to him. It’s a story of all eyes are watching you and they’re not turning away for a second. By the end of the episode, you really don’t know who to feel bad for, but you know that you’ll never watch this episode again.

9: Fifteen Million Merits: E2, S1 Starring: Daniel Kaluuya, Jessica Brown Findlay and Rupert Everett, with Julia Davis and Ashley Thomas

To be fair, I’m a pretty biased of this episode because it just made me so goddamn sad. I actually had to walk away from the TV. This world greets you with it’s entertainment shows (game show, porn channel and exercise activity) and exercise machines. It tells you that this is the kind of stuff that rules you and this is the stuff that you should be thriving for. Bing (Daniel Kaluuya) lives in this world of overstimulated entertainment mixed with over exercise. He collects currency called Merits. This helps you buy things or skip and ignore advertisements or programs that you don’t want to pay attention to, but they come with a price. Bing feels like he’s a slave to their world and when he meets Abi (Jessica Brown Findlay), he feels himself coming alive for the first time, especially when she sings. He buys her a ticket to go on their singing show (kind of like American Idol) and when she goes, both of them have to settle for what comes next. (Spoilers: it’s not good and it makes you want to cry.) This episode could totally happen in real life and I think that’s what’s so odd and sad about it.

8: Playtest: E2, S3 Starring: Wyatt Russell, Hannah John-Kamen, Wunmi Mosaku and Ken Yamamura

At NYCC ’16, we were privileged to watch this episode for the first time. It bugged me out to the point where my friends and I called our parents to immediately tell them we loved them. “Playtest” speaks to the gamer in all of us. The ones seeking thrills and excitement outside of their home. Cooper (Wyatt Russell)  is travels the world to escape his home life. He travels all around the world, having the best time he could have while ignoring the calls from his mother. He ends up in London, finding out he has no more cash, he has to take any job he can get. A girl tells him about a job for SaitoGemu, a gaming company that’s testing out a new field of gaming. He agrees and the night he spends in this house is one he won’t forget. This entire episode is so much apart of who we are, as seekers of thrill and as people who want to escape, but it all come back around full circle when you least expect it. “Playtest” is a gem of an episode and please, dear god, don’t forget to call your mum.

7: Shut Up and Dance: E3, S3 Starring: Alex Lawther & Jerome Flynn

“Shut Up and Dance” starts out as one of those normal episodes. Kenny (Alex Lawther) is a teenager who puts a program (malware) on his computer to get rid of some viruses that was put on there. However, this program contains a virus of it’s own and a hacker has set their sites on Alex, recording him as he’s masturbating through his webcam. The hacker immediately makes Kenny do everything he says and he does every single thing, just so his biggest secret doesn’t come back to haunt him. I was honestly taken back by this episode in the best ways? You always kinda hear about those stories of don’t masturbate in front of your computer. I mean, if you haven’t seen it on SVU, turn on your TV, but this episode takes it to a whole new level and more. Please watch this episode because… wow.

6: Nosedive: E1, S3 Story by : Charlie Brooker Teleplay by : Rashida Jones & Mike Schur Starring: Bryce Dallas Howard, Alice Eve, James Norton and Cherry Jones

Being popular kinda sucks. Working hard to keep your popularity in check? That sucks even harder. Imagine a world where you have an app that keeps tab on your popularity depending on your actions with other people? Now, they rate you. You have no idea what they’re gonna rate you, but you have to keep that smile, that energy, the extreme bubbliness up. Each and everyday, you have to interact and you have to be polite. That’s the world that Lucie Pound (Bryce Dallas Howard) finds herself in. Everyone has a rating app that gives you stars out of five. Lucie is a 4.2 at the start of the story, but as it progresses, circumstances cause he go lower and lower on the scale. This teleplay was written by Rashida Jones and Mike Schur and they did a great job. It captures what it’s like to keep up appearances and when technically has such a gripping hold on you and doesn’t let go. It also captures the freedom and guts it take to let yourself go and be who you wanna be without a rating and a phone in your face.

5: White Christmas : SPECIAL EPISODE Starring: Jon Hamm, Oona Chaplin and Rafe Spall with Natalia Tena

A christmas special! In this three part super sized Black Mirror episode, we are introduced to a story like no other, a star studded cast and a lot of ammo behind it to make it so great. This episode is set between season two and season three, so you won’t get to it fast, but dammit is it worth it when you get there. Two men, Joe Potter (Rafe Spall) and Matt Trent (Jon Hamm), wake up in a bunker on Christmas Day. They are stationed in this remote place, complete with furniture and fixing and while Matt cooks them something to eat, they tell the stories of how they came to be in this place together. If I tell you any more about this episode, it will completely ruin the fun, but this is one of the best episodes of Black Mirror and that’s why it’s in the top five. It’s heavily ambitious with story and very well thought out. Charlie Brooker outdid himself within this story because it’s absolutely genius the way he put all of this together.

4: Be Right Back : E1, S2 Starring: Hayley Atwell and Domhnall Gleeson, with Claire Keelan, Sinead Matthews, Flora Nicholson, Glenn Hanning, Tim Delap and Indira Ainger

I will go down in history and say that this episode is one of the BEST Black Mirrorepisodes that’s always overlooked. It’s very simple, set in practically one location throughout, but it has the most lovely and beautiful moments inside of it that I’ve only ever seen in indie films. Martha (Hayley Atwell) and Ash (Domhnall Gleeson) move to a house in the countryside that used to be Ash’s house from a long time ago. Ash is completely into his technology while Martha enjoys the life around her. Despite this, they’re completely mad about each other. One day Ash gets into an accident while driving and leaves Martha all alone, at his funeral, a friend tells her about a product that will be able to let her speak to Ash again. High skeptical, but curious, Martha signs up for the product and the results are not what she expect at all. Everything about this episode is so deeply perfect that the two people to praise for making this episode what it is are Hayley Atwell and Domhnall Gleeson. They do a spectacular job in this and if you don’t even like the episode afterwards, you have to give it up for their acting.

3: The Entire History of You : E3, S1 Starring: Toby Kebbell and Jodie Whittaker, with Tom Cullen and Jimi Mistr

Jealousy is kind of a bummer. Ask Liam Foxwell and I bet you he’ll tell you how it ruined his life for good. Nah, but seriously, this episode is a really big thing about jealousy and how it can affect you. Liam Foxwell (Toby Kebbell) is a lawyer who is basically on the up and up. He’s trying desperate to earn a position, but it’s not working out for him. He replays the entire meeting with his employer from a grain he has. A little device in your eye that allows you to rewind and playback memories and events in your life. When Liam and his wife Ffion (Jodie Whittaker) go to a dinner party that’s set up by friends, he meet Jonas (Tom Cullen *swoon*) who’s not only a looker, but happen to be be an ex lover of Ffions. Liam becomes more and more paranoid about the relationship. His jealousy starts to consume him to do some really stupid stuff that later comes to bite him. This isn’t only sad, but it’s very much a big life lesson to leave the past in the past. Fun fact! Robert Downey Jr. optioned to make this into a feature length film through his own production company. So, hopefully we’ll be able to see this play out on the big screen. Hopefully… with the same actors. *crosses fingers*

2:  San Junipero: E4, S3 Starring: Gugu Mbatha-Raw & Mackenzie Davis

If you’ve ever said, “GOD, WHERE’S THE HAPPINESS IN THIS SHOW?!” Look no further than “San Junipero.” If you haven’t heard about the joy of this episode, either via Tumblr, Twitter, or any leading social networking site, you are sorely missing out on something positive and fantastic. In 1987, Yorkie (Mackenzie Davis) meets a girl named Kelly (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) in a crowded dance club in San Junipero, California, as Kelly is trying to get away from a pushy guy and Yorkie is trying to gather her bearings. After a night of flirting, dancing and getting to know each other, they’re instantly attracted to one another, but something gets in the way. Both of them carry something that they have to deal with, but their love transcends all centuries and time. This is the single (and only) most positive episode of Black Mirror from start to finish. I mean, you could totally argue Nosedive, but let me have this. The chemistry between Gugu and Mackenzie keep this episode going and you become invested in where this relationship is going to end up. When you figure out the twist to this episode, it’s not even a surprising twist, but something so delicate and endearing. This is also the first queer episode that we’ve seen from the series and it was a HUGE hit. The only criticism I have is that I wish it was just as long as “Hated by the Nation.”

1: White Bear: E2, S2 Starring: Lenora Crichlow and Michael Smiley, with Tuppence Middleton, Ian Bonar, Nick Ofield, Russell Barnett and Imani Jackman

One of the BEST Black Mirror episodes. There, I said it. This one had me hooked right out of the gate and it epically blew my mind when the twist happened. Victoria Skillane wakes up in a room. She doesn’t know where she is, who she is, or how she even got into this house in the first place. There are things left behind for her. Shoes to put her feet in, pictures to jog her memory, but the most disturbing part is when she steps outside. There are people watching her. They aren’t doing anything. They’re just watching her, some of them have their phones out, almost like she’s an animal in a zoo. She’s confused and terrified, but she keeps asking, asking about who she is and what they’re doing. When a man pulls up in a car, shotgun in hand and start firing at HER (not the people around her, JUST HER), she makes a run for it and there she meets Jem, a girl who’s about to accompany her on one of the most confusing and terrifying journeys of her life. Holy f*ck. I didn’t know who I was until I saw this episode. This one is one of those that you have to let it sink in a bit about how a lot of systems and stuff work. I won’t say anymore to give it away, but this episode probably has one of the best twist on the show.

All these episodes are now on Netflix. Watch them, bring snacks, cuddle up with a animal if you can. It’s gonna be a long couple of hours.