#all of these make me Feel Something but esp the last one
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WOAHHHHGFGGGH . ....,
@probablyaster pspsppspspssp come look at this
The guy just doesn't like musicals.
#all of these make me Feel Something but esp the last one#inevitable has always been my fav song+scene but my god#just????#capturing all that fear so . my god#just the crinkle in paul's face you can tell he's smiling and the fear in emma's eye is so tangible#the way she's either clinging to him or clawing at him#im. speechless idk why this hit so hard wHat#starkid#tgwdlm#paul matthews#emma perkins#hatchetfield#fav#ehat the shit im actyally . eating
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I. Did not achieve a lot today (understandable considering the circumstances), but. You need to See.
The SADDEST. SOGGIEST. Sharena I have EVER drawn.
Also maybe a little snippet as a treat...
You'll have to fight my messy roughs and handwriting for it though 😤😤😤
#wip#i think. maybe i can just allow myself to relax. ease up on the intense paranoia that plagues me.#mostly because i want to make things painful. actually.#not just bittersweet. so sweet it fucking hurts. it aches and aches and aches and aches. ect.#i actually don't have a lot of faith in my ability to finish this one. firstly i wanted to just do one page#but after all my practice i've gotten a p good feel for pacing. and this feels like it's a two-pager#and i Know. i know. the fucking. lvl 40 convo comic.... i KNOW.#but also. just in general. some things are just so agonizing. to try and yank out of me.#so L + ratio + more work than i bargained for + owuch. ouugh. ow. ouch. owie. owww....#last bit of context is this takes place shortly after zacharias' disappearance.#although i'm actually not sure how i want to go about that. if i wanna see if i can show it in the comic itself#like all i'd need really is one flashback panel just showing the immediate aftermath of 'where is zacharias?' after battle#or if i'd imply it through the text or if straight up. i just say it in the caption. honestly entirely depends#well i was gonna joke depends on how lazy i feel but more like. i think it's more parsing out where my focus Should be.#all of this is granting that i can. fucking. even get to a proper rough draft. i'm not hopeful.#but do you see my visions...... maybe....#esp them falling back on each other HARD. doing something that maybe both swore to 'grow out of'#in the wake of an extremely disorienting and traumatic event. that hits each of them uniquely hard.#and through the growing pains you see. oh. this is how they grew up. this is how they've always been.#when. they could be.#my art
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i almost put cassandra clare on that rec list i’d like everyone to applaud my restraint
#THE INFERNAL DEVICES IS GOOD IMO ESP IF U LIKE HOTD & PRE CANON STUFF OKAY#i actually haven’t read the last hours or the dark artifices i got annoyed after the last of the main series & quit#which makes sense i was like 20 i think that’s the age you grow out of cassie clare usually#i reread the first two infernal devices ones recently ish tho & can i say they hold up#i’m dead ass if u r even just a hotd watcher and not a hotd enjoyer. like u like parts of it but parts of it make u annoyed.#i think you’d get some enjoyment from infernal devices aksjdjd. the rhaenicent visaemon AND daemyra girlies would all find something in it.#and the audiobooks are excellent listening to someone act out will’s speeches instead of me reading it like ‘will can u go to a single#person for help pls’ made me remember why i liked him aksjsjd#i feel like if you’re a stark person in general you’ll like the main trio#getting on my soap box#i’m actually curious to read her adult book i want to see if she’s like. matured in writing style at all. i don’t even mean that in a hating#way like leigh bardugo has matured MASSIVELY over her career & good for her i love to see a girlboss winning#& cassie has an agent to keep her from bullying online now so
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on the one hand i want to try for a second wind to stay up and get really into something but on the other hand im sleepy and im pretty sure my husband went to bed without me so i honestly might as well
#back in godot learning thingssssssss#trying to do anything i can to distract myself from the abysmal lack of work ive been able to find lately LOL#genuinely ive had 1 commission in the last 2 weeks like its so joever im so hungry#not to be like “the economy” but man i used to be doing upwards of 20 coms a week when i was really nuts#making a couple grand a month etc#but shits gone so to pieces between ai and the cost of living crisis that like i get no work anymore at all ever#the bone deep resistance i have to having to get another shitty day job is insane tho after what the last one did to me#idk but ive been losing a ton of sleep over it lately and ive been having nightmares every night again#so i guess i really gotta solve that sooner rather than later. esp bc we cant buy groceries indefinitely like this#ive cut back to eating cereal in the morning and then something for dinner after having a really good streak of eating 3 hardy meals a day#which sucks but what can you do#gotta stop being a big fat failure if i want to eat like a. not failure. a succeeder#ig theres the ego of it too bc coms have been my fulltime job for years so like the dead dropoff lately is so#what if it ends tomorrow right. what if it ends next week. what if it doesnt end until next year#what if it never ends and im just unemployed sitting on my ass pretending i still have a career doing what i love#which is already what it feels like bc ive been scrounging for pennies to put food on the table for months now#like idk man. its joever let it go let it die. but that means getting a shit fucking job somewhere and god i do not want to LOL#i wont have the energy to do anything anymore and im such a brittle person this time of year anyway#whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#im gunna try to sleep bye o/
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#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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idly wondering with what experts would diagnose me if I was 100% truthful and could remember every single thing that happened to me and every single quirk I developed because of it <3
#like esp. at the start my mother would sit in on all my therapy sessions#and i didn't yet grasp what therapy was for at age 11 so i just talked about my day#and showed the nice lady my latest drawings orz#all that got me was a 'oh that kid is just shy and a little scared going to school just force him to go it'll be fine <3'#never said anything about the nefarious bullying or the things going on at home#because at that point i was so naive i thought it was NORMAL#and other therapists later on only ever focused on my weight and how sloppy i dressed. never addressing all my other issues so i gave up#never talked about all the other stuff for a while.#also that ONE situation i can barely remember but that fucked me up the most i think back in kindergarten... never told anyone about it#except a friend last year. wondering what therapists would say about that if i ever opened up about that to them#after a bit of thought it'd also explain my aversion to being touched/examined by doctors in that area. great.#ANYWAY just wondering <333#also all the 'negative' feelings i immediately throw in the repression bin. like jealousy frustration anger annoyance entitlement etc#been told one too many times that these things are ugly and shouldn't be displayed. should stop acting like a spoiled brat#never learned how to handle any of that <333#recently have taken to being overly analytical about it all. trying to find what triggers these emotions and then rationalising them away <3#they do still fester deep in my soul tho <333#good thing i'm so good at repression that i forget about it all eventually until something makes me remember and then i suffer#but then i repress again and i can live in blissful ignorance again <333333#wish i could be a dumb silly billy more often and not think about things too much like i usually do haha#maybe that's why i'm so drawn to and fadcinated by the bimbocore subculture/movement...... 🤔#anyway anyway just thinking haha
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trying to find a balance between "module that's easy to understand and follow bc i am terrified of DMing and might cry" and "module that's not boring af especcially in the first adventure bc that might be as far as i manage to get through before losing my mind and i at least want my forever DM to have fun as a player for once" is killing me lmao
#apiewofoaiwjefaoijfew#i REALLY do not think she will find the beginning of waterdeep dragon heist compelling unless i make changes but like aoeifja#i'm so overwhelmed by the idea of making changes#i just want something i can follow from start to finish so i can MAYBE learn that DMing isn't as terrifying as i think it is 😭😭#trying to desperately not to talk myself out of this lmao#uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#she also suggested the lost mines module bc it's meant for newbies but i'm just like OIFJAEOWIFAOWIJEF#she doesn't even really use goblins in her own games she's not going to find this beginning part interesting at all 😭😭#and i'm so nervous about any other modules bc it's just going to be her playing + an npc i'm controlling who is a fighter but like aofeijao#they still might get crushed even if i have her start at like level 3 for a level 1 adventure. i have no idea how any of this works anymore#idk OIFJAOEWIFAE the last time i tried to run stuff it was all homebrew and i was so fucking bad at it#i feel like everything i did made everyone miserable lmao#any time i tried to like just go w the flow it didn't work#esp bc i get so anxious about it aofiejaoijfwe#i am so not cut out for this but my wife literally never gets an opportunity to play and she has DM'd me almost every single day for like#five to six years now faoewijfaoiwjef she deserves a chance to play and has been really sad about not having one in the past#so i have to try at least#*dykeposting
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🦋
#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family#on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know.#she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me.#&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me#into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way#after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public#that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later#after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her#&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault.#so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally#everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao.#&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad#about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY.#i do not fucking UNDERSTAND.#i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why.#the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all#while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me.#but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime#&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool.#a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.
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god I really hope Gavin does some videos with db at some point. I was watching Phoenix edits’ recent Gavin compilation last night and so much of it was him with Geoff and it’s like. I just want him to be in content with his friends and the boys I like watching, I don’t want him to be trapped on one channel like that
#someone last October said some of the way he responds to Geoff seem like trauma/abuse responses and I have not once stopped thinking abt it#esp bc this just makes me feel like Geoff is intentionally isolating him#I’m sure that’s not what’s happening I’m sure gav’s just busy and like. he’s a grown man he can decide what content he’s in#but I really feel like he’s being some pigeonholed or pressured or something and it just gives me the ick#just one dogbark video. that’s all I ask#anyway. some thoughts. happy thanksgiving I guess lmao#original
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#so I think ep 12 is really good - does it have problems? yes.#do I think Atom should've apologized to Boston's face properly? yes#do I think boston should've apologized to top's face properly? yes#do I think Nick's interesting choice words for his last convo with Boston were def harsh? yes#do I wish they did the fire topmew scene a bit differently to make it more poignant esp since they've been shitting on top? yes#so many things! And that's just ep 12 bc jfc if u asked me abt the other eps?...we'd be here all night#basically it's this - they are characters meant to rep early 20 something students who are so messy and flawed and reckless#will they each recognize every mistake they've ever made? noooooo bc WHY WOULD THEY??? WHEN ITS ABT THEIR PAIN!?!?#THEY ARE THINKING OF YHEMSELVES#THATS HOW IT IS SOMETIMES - I DO THE FUCKING SAME THING#it feels v much like the end of edge of seventeen where you're with a character you've bonded over for an hour and a half and realize#NO ONE is going to apologize to them - not truthfully or fully or genuinely or etc and it's sad and heartbreaking and painful#but newsflash - it happens#and don't think you've done it right all the first time and apologized rightfully - and if u did?? It's bc that person mattered to you!#these 'friends'??? while yes they are - they also are not#im fucking surprised they all stayed friends tbh bc they don't truly make sense long-run but they have that business together so let's see#let's face it - it's the friendships it's the meanings it's the labels it's the community it's the assumptions it's the lack of words#ya'll saying you want toxic but can't handle when everything is not fair#and it isn't fair! there's exec decisions there's editing decisions there's casting decisions! bruh. it was set up from the start.#editing based on audience reaction? bruh. played right into their hands#blabber time#please ignore me#not even gon put the tags bc ya'll vicious as fuck when it comes to your characters while valid I'm tbh too tired to hear abt
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ok controversial opinion i actually dont mind kiryu and majima’s english voices
#snap chats#this is the only time im gonna talk about kiryu and majima in one post thats insane#BUT YEAH NO as we all know i was replaying y7 last night#and maybe it is just because ive replayed it so much and im accustomed to their english voices#but they really arent as bad as people say they are ?#majima esp honestly im actually glad they went with mercer#i mean ill ALWAYS be happy if mercer's involved in something but now i just feel like the voice fits#this post was made mostly with majima in mind ngl but yeah i dont mind kiryu either#i know yesterday i was talking about how english voices being deeper makes sense#but i actually like how kiryu's voice is slightly higher pitched. Keyword Slightly its very small#im still not super happy about daigos voice tho. i dont think thats changing anytime soon#again no hate to RCS im just mentally ill about daigo </3#ehh. maybe it could grow on me.#its not TERRIBLE im like thinking about it and its not TERRIBLE#trying to find beat-for-beat VAs is never going to be easy or perfect#i always try to keep that in mind and like. i think RCS could have worked??#he just sounds too firm/stern sometimes and daigo speaks very hushed#but im getting off topic this post was supposed to be bout kiryu and majima goddamn 💀
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its hard for me to listen to 'our light' bcs wnvr i do i always look at the lyrics again and i just want to cry so badly
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#i cannot. explain. the feelings. this SONG gives me ... w Those Two Guys .....#i feel like i haven't. still. properly completely absorbed wtf p5r was /pos !!! esp w the royal bits and shu/ake fkhfighskfbskfnsksb#sick rn and tired but i want to be productive and do homework but i'm so exhausted :'')#i hate it here. anyways! i love. fkevsjcksbf p5r was just... really something.....#that at the end of p5 i was just like wow love this game so fucking much and btw it was uhh one of the few games i have actually finished#BCS. YES i am interested and into so many games and i know a lot but i only have finished very few !!! sorry i probably have adhd#but that's a discussion for another time. Anyway. yeahh. at first it was just like yoo love this game#but i was expecting more (haha coming from endwalker so. big expectations from other games)#and ROYAL was what delivered and now i have That Thing that makes me vv attached to p5r so it remains one of my favs :] my brain works in a#weird way i can't really explain but yeah that's how i get attached to things and all uhh i am very sentimental and a deep person yeah#GOODNIGHT IN ADVANCE !! this week i'm supposed to like. go onsite for school#but tmrw i'm gna go online bcs i'm rlly tired n have a lot to do fksbfkns so Yeah#scared for tuesday but i will try my best... might have to stay online if my being sick rn is one of those rare occasions where it still#lasts rather than just disappears. hmm. let's see.
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#i love how the one supportive cis family member i have got me a fucking h*rry p*tter shirt#and now i feel like a dick bc i dont want to be the asshole thats picky about presents but oh my god i hate getting presents from cishets#and like i know im gonn have to say something to her about it but idk how#esp bc i havent talked to her in a while and last time she texted me it was bc my dad was using her to guilt trip me into texting him back#when the whole fucing reason im not talking to him is because hes a fucking creep who tried to groom my my whole adolescence#but i cant exactly say that!! out loud!!! to my sister!!!! without putting her in a Position!!!#not to mention he literally. Has a sex offender charge so my famils whole personality is defending his innocence#and shell side with me to a point but. i dont want to push it and open up old wounds of How Dare You Put Dear Old Dad Through This#and just. fucking. the wizard nazi merch. on top of all of this. really#like theres only so much negative things i can say in a phone call before itll ruin the whole vibe#and on christmas no less#its gonna be hard enough talking about this i dont need another thing to make me sound like an asshole#finnposting#personal#vent
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I’LL TRY LIVING LIKE THIS I’LL TRY LIVING LIKE THIS I’LL TRY LIVING LIKE THIS I’LL TRY LIVING LIKE THIS I’LL TRY LIVING LIKE THIS I’LL TRY LIVING LIKE THIS I’LL TRY LIVING LIKE THIS
#just been listening to this album on loop all day to try and feel something#and by god it worked#it’s not even the dds album that makes me the most emotional#but after last nights antics i feel it encompasses the vibes#like esp this one picture i took#the only way out is through ig
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bonking my head against desk.mp4
I wasted time on something unimportant and that I didn't even care about again!!!!! I'm gonna Lose It!!!!
#neocells#AAAAA#It's so embarrassing like how did I even fixate on something like that!!!!#I mean it was an ''organize something'' ''put something together'' and ''match things''#so of course I did#but the thing itself was not even worth it#esp not at night#esp not when it's a bad dress up feature#esp not when it somehow took up to two hours#it was so unexpected too like it was rlly supposed to be just throw something together. it was BITMOJI. on SNAPCHAT#THIS ROUTE HAPPENED BECAUSE I REMOVED BITMOJI AND PUT IT BACK. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T LET U HAVE A NORMAL PFP#I feel insane dude#I am in disbelief#like surely I read the timestamps wrong from when I last messaged the person I was talking to. surely#I thought it was 30 min to an hour at best#really ignored said person and my cat (in my attempt to Escape and finish because I could tell I was losing time awareness)#because I get paranoid if I pause and go back I'll get caught up in it again and waste even more time!! yet in turn#that makes me waste more time anyways!!!!#now my cat is taking a nap nearby.#I was going to give her attention and she gave up!! because I pushed her away in my desperate attempt to get the dress up thing over with!!#not to mention I was tense the whole time- I thought I was ''about to get up'' and not uhhh sitting here for an hour plus#I know at least... 5-10 minutes was just messing with the filters since I hadn't been on snapchat in ages so I was curious#maybe another 10 trying to figure out if the pfp can be a normal one. though there is a separate profile where u can? for some reason?#so I was being indecisive abt the pfp and background for that#even though idk if that matters either like who even sees that. how does that work#and that still leaves all the rest of that time wasted#unless the profile setting stuff was more than I thought too..... who knows at this point#could've wrote all that in the post but was already doing it here. I'm not abt to attempt to put it in the post instead
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