#ah yes my favorite character. me urinate

[willinghands]

the crunchyroll english dub subtitles are such complete ass garbage they get everyone's name wrong every single time. MIORINE her name is MIORINE

[howdoyousayghibli]

A Soapy Sub-Plot Diminishes the Otherwise Brilliant From Up on Poppy Hill

In his excellent series, Movies with Mikey, Mikey Neumann asks a question about Jurassic Park II: Can one stupid scene ruin a great movie? When that little girl defeats a previously terrifying velociraptor with “gymnastics,” it undermines their power to scare the audience and spotlights a character the audience already doesn’t like. But does that erase any and all good qualities the rest of the movie has?

This question is terribly relevant to From Up on Poppy Hill, a 2011 film directed by Gorō Miyazaki. The son of Hayao Miyazaki, Gorō also directed the disappointing Tales from Earthsea. In Poppy Hill, he appears to have learned some lessons from his previous experience; the movie is enjoyable, moving, and packed with some of Studio Ghibli’s best dialogue yet. 

This brings us back to Mikey’s question: Can the inclusion of a subplot that is in poor taste, hackneyed, and unnecessary ruin an otherwise fantastic film? Let’s just say this review’s going to have a hefty Spoiler Zone.

There’s plenty to talk about before we get there, though. Set in1963, Poppy Hill tells the story of two teenagers, Umi and Shun. Umi is uber-responsible, essentially running a boarding house for her Grandmother while also studiously attending school and keeping an eye on her younger sister. She doesn’t have much choice in the matter; her father died while serving  in WWII, and her mother is studying in America.

Shun has a more normal home life, but is deeply involved in “the Latin Quarter,” a massive, old, and dilapidated building that houses innumerable school clubs (all of which are apparently boys-only). The major plot thread of the movie concerns attempts by, you know, Big Business or whoever to demolish the Latin Quarter and build a shiny new facility in its place. The facility would still be for the students, so it’s not a matter of losing their place; it’s a matter of losing the historical building itself.

While Umi’s extreme competence and selflessness endear her to the viewer, the Latin Quarter steals the show whenever the characters visit. I always think it’s bogus and pretentious when people speak of a city or location as “another character, really,” but they’d probably say it about the quirky clubhouse. I’d still disagree, though. The Latin Quarter is such a fun locale because of the many well-written actual characters inside it. The lavish details of the building itself don’t hurt, of course, but it’s really the clubs themselves that bring it to life.

A big part of that comes from some of the best, let’s call it, “background dialogue” of any movie I’ve seen. Neither Umi nor Shun are particularly funny, but the large cast of unnamed Latin Quarter club members are consistently hilarious throughout the movie. At the risk of doing the original screenwriters a discredit, I’m tempted to lay some of this success at the feet of Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall, who oversaw the production of the U.S. dub. Both also worked on the dubs for Ponyo and Arrietty, were also excellently localized. Whoever deserves the credit, the movie is much richer for it.

Now, I’ve said that Umi and Shun aren’t especially funny, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t compelling. Just like the club members who populate the Latin Quarter, the protagonists are endearing because they both feel like they have lives outside of this movie. In different ways, Umi and Shun are both competent and passionate people, avoiding the “waiting for the plot to start” feeling that comes from less fully realized characters. Umi in particular has a moving emotional arc, made all the more powerful by how much of her growth, while inspired by those around her, seemed to come from decisions she made on her own. 

Clearly, there’s a lot to love about From Up on Poppy Hill. The fly in the ointment shows up as Umi and Shun grow closer. It’s only natural that the movie would introduce some form of conflict into the story of their relationship, but the chosen form of that conflict leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It’s something of a twist and happens a good bit into the movie, so I’ll only discuss it directly in the Spoiler Zone, but the long and short of it is that it was a poor choice, it doesn’t give our protagonists anything interesting to do, and it took me about 10 seconds to think of an alternative that would involve minimal differences to the rest of the story.

You may recall that Gorō’s previous directorial effort, Tales From Earthsea, showed some promise but was ultimately weighed down by its failures. You may wonder if Poppy Hill is in a similar situation; fortunately, although the Bad Subplot does detract from the movie, the ratio of good to bad here is wildly better than in Earthsea. This time around, the strengths outweigh the blunders, and I recommend it to any Ghibli fans — I just wish the recommendation didn’t have to come with an asterisk. 

Up Next:

It’s The Wind Rises! It’s currently Hayao Miyazaki’s most recent film (no release date for How Do You Live? yet) and I’m very excited for it. 

Stray Notes:

Maybe my favorite of the many great background lines in the clubhouse: “How can we make archaeology cool again?” “We can’t.”

woooaaaah floor potato storage

Ghibli knows how to cut away from a joke (and not dwell on it)

Wow they’re really hitting the old vs new thing hard

Artist girl is an enormous mood

Lil Umi and her flags OH NO

Urinal conversation huh

“It’s like a cheap melodrama” YEAH KINDA MY MAN

Ah yes, rice goop 

Giant Philosophy Man is great

Chairman guy has a great voice

That explosion was magnificently animated

Spoiler Zone

So, Umi and Shun are growing closer and like 5 seconds from making out when they discover that Umi’s late father is also Shun’s birth father, who gave him to Shun’s adoptive parents when he was still just a baby. They’re actually brother and sister! Who doesn’t love a good incest subplot?

Besides being soapy and gross, it just doesn’t make for a good story. It’s an automatic shutdown; you can’t even root for them to “overcome” this obstacle and still end up together, because … incest. While you could say there’s something to watching them learn to interact with each other non-romantically, it just kind of torpedoes their part of the movie for a bit. 

I say for a bit, because of course this subplot is resolved the only way it possibly could be: Oops, they actually aren’t brother and sister! Herein lies the other part of the problem — the resolution has nothing to do with the efforts of Umi and Shun. Like I said, it doesn’t really work to have them trying to “solve” this problem, so they’re simply informed at the end of Act 3 that Umi’s dad took baby Shun from another dude, who died, and gave him to Shun’s birth parents. 

Action is artificially injected into this story by having the not-so-star-crossed pair race across town so they can meet a sailor who knew their parents before his ship leaves. While I understand that they’d want to meet this man, they both seemingly know all the important bits — i.e., that they aren’t related — before they talk to him, which makes the sense of urgency feel very forced. I say “seemingly” because for reasons unknown, we only see Umi learn this crucial information. We never see Shun learn it, and we never see the two of them talk about it. Presumably, what should’ve been a climactic moment happened off-screen.

All the narrative problems aside, it’s also just gross whenever the scripts ties itself into knots to make incest a concern. It was bad in Speaker for the Dead, it was bad in the trailer for that stupid theme park show, it’s bad in every other comedy anime, and it’s bad here. 

I can only assume that this was their way of having the relationship reflect the theme of the past affecting the present? But they could’ve just as easily introduced conflict through a revelation that Umi’s dad was somehow responsible for the death of Shun’s dad: it makes the past a barrier between them, puts them in a place to work at not letting the past actions of others affect their future, AND at no point does anyone have to say, “wait, don’t worry, it’s actually not incest!” Wins all around!

[achieveandhunt]

live typing extra life 2019

warning: this a fucking LONG post. if you plan on reading it all, godspeed.

i typed all of this as it was happening on stream so this gets progressively less coherent as i grow more sleep deprived. prepare yourselves. i may or may not go off topic at some points

larry vehemently vomiting pure malic acid. we’re off to a great start

what the fuck the soggy ass popcorn in that ranch jesus christ

lindsay in the song from AH the musical. i love her so much

jeremy going YAAAAAAY after someone eats a cursed oreo

matt getting AGGRESSIVELY kissed by larry

“this kiss this kiss” before geoff and jack kiss

geoff “i’m from alabama” ramsey

THIS FUCKING RANCH SEGMENT HAS ME GAGGING

jeremy “the alcohol demon the whiskey goblin” dooley

alfredo “you wont believe what the white people did today” diaz

DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS GET THAT DICK ESSENCE

wait why does it sound like wonderwall

they look like characters from the matrix

the speaking parts. make my teeth hurt

in conclusion: they weren’t kidding abt the tight pants 

okay everyone get ready for eric soundboard spamming YEAH BABEY

“hi i’m from broadcast and i don’t want to be here” they represent themselves well

also, let’s take a second to appreciate broadcast here!! they have a really tough job and don’t get a ton of credit. lots of love to all of broadcast!!! you guys are awesome

i am: foreseeing problems with this eric sound board

which one is eric?? will the real eric please stand up?? was the real eric the one we found along the way??

“i’m... just really worried that i won’t ever find love-” “i really don’t care”

WHY DO THEY HAVE THAT ON THE SOUNDBOARD (what does that apply to? whatever it is you’re thinking of, but mostly “daddy wants some”)

ooh someone’s about to get a fReE tongue piercing from a pineapple

god dammit i went to the bathroom for thirty seconds and now they’re eating chad’s chest hair

owie the shock collar and belly slap look painful, but drinking natty light from a shoe? that’s a true punishment

“and this roast was brought to you by meundies”

ah yes what better way is there to end a segment than people throwing up

“man action” oh no

THROBERT MULVEINY

K A R B is blind in T W O of her eyes

“my last name is cottagecheese”

I HAVE A PIECE OF METAL SHOVED UP MY A S S 

chris has somehow managed to lose 23 years of age and roughly 412 pounds

“just open throat like baby bird” who the fuck is writing this and why is it jeremy

jon. jon you’re breathing in adam’s ass fumes

a summary of this segment: ass and cottage cheese

BARB IS HERE I REPEAT BARB IS HERE

“to fitness” -starts choking-

final fitness coach: tad, here to workout your issues so they can beat you into submission

“will you buy my wet” well i don’t see that on the raffle items

we’re back folks & i’m loving this walk around segment

moonball wall and gavin&michael will soon be reunited can we get an F in the chat

jeremy getting a borderlands tattoo is very on brand

what’s extra life without a little satan

“starvation army, putting lead back into paint, increasing childhood obesity” people in chat: TAKE MY MONEY

chris “i’m doing a different hole” demarais

ah yes. the game we all play in hell: twister

nobody edit chris getting mustard shot down his throat. i’m scarred enough from the original clip

oh fuck. oh god. the mayo. oh god what the fuck is up with the misuse of condiments this year

this just in: a human soul costs roughly $12,700

D̷̯͑̆̈́͝Õ̸̲͎̥̬͈̬̙͕̲G̸̢̧̠͉͚̙̲̙̓̔̀̇S̷̥̀́͆̈́̇̀ ̶̣̞̗͚̬̭̖̦͇̈́̎̈́̿̓̈́͆̒̋D̷̙̟̩̫͉̺̐̊̚Ö̶̥́̋́̓ͅĜ̵̞̌͋̏̉̌̕͝͝S̵̤̹̣̫̮̻͛̍̑̕͝͝ ̷̧̨̞̙̥̟̜͍̉̍̑̏̇̀̾D̴̻̮̩̯͓͉̖͎̘͐̒͋̓̉͝ͅỎ̶̰͓̳̥͑̅͛͊̒͐͊͘̚G̵̩̻̦̥̠̃̔Ş̶̹͚̩̱͖̀͆͘ ̸̢̢͇̻͔̗̺̼͖̱̏̾̔̚D̴̨̨̫̙̃̾̋̾̆̓̓Ớ̷̡͓͎͊G̶̱̣̣̰̝̖̰̗̓͐̐̊͋̀͊̀̕͝Ş̷̩̺̬̖͙̺̟͗̈́͒͗̀̑́́̕͠ ̷̡͈̼̲͈̳̫̺̝̈́̋͌͗̒ͅD̸̨̬̞̪̗̘̄̑͆̿̈́͘͠͝O̸̡̡͇͕̻͎͍͉̅̌͗̄͌̑̉̔͂̎Ḡ̸͙͐̈̏��̪̞̬̬͕S̶̝̪̼̮̠̜̭̳͖̘̑

urine: to help with aerodynamics

jon: maya, speak! maya: *the smallest arwoo*

today’s mvp: any dog. pick one. no matter which you pick, you’re right

how the fuck did blaine change back from satan so quickly

barb as a cat is... my new sleep paralysis demon

blaine: barbara speak! barbara: climate change is real

#dogsforkids

this just in: extra life killed my wifi

we’re back & kdin is in the business of killing people with spice. she is the spice queen

queue six thousand well-timed 1337 donations

HOLY SHIT THAT’S COLIN FROM WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY

hmm “questionable liquids” is very... questionable

trevor: oh there’s four of them! we all get to join in the Fuckkkk

“what’s your favorite kind of candy” “any meat”

i like pickles and i would rather rip my eyebrows off than drink the juice so i feel for trevor

the only thing worse than drinking apple cider vinegar is shooting it out of your nose

“can you feel the love tonight” “i used to and that’s the problem”

“flubs every word man” damn, really missed the chance to say captain hair

jeremy not being able to intentionally flub his words is so fucking funny

OK BOOMER 

wow i can feel my blood pressure spike just watching these shots

Xavier Woods is here and he wants to know if it’s Christmas

miles doesn’t know what a question is

WHERE’S YOUR HAIR

oh no. oh no helping hands is next. everyone clear a splash zone

CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE

miles bossing around chef mike is priceless

“you leave that fucking dough on the floor”

“you wanna slam your hands down on the table” *pizza sauce goes flying everywhere*

HOEDOWN HOEDOWN HOEDOWN jesus why do i keep doing that

“If Colin Mochrie is listening, I’ll see you here next year” OH FUCK YEAH

--- this is when i take a break so my soul can return to my body (aka i have work to turn in. college will never not be a pain in my ass) ---

oh god dammit i missed all of Always Open. fuck college who needs a medical degree

so... we have some very interesting things happening in family feud and i’m not sure if i like any of them

hmm. is now the time to get drunk

oily twist feels very... ominous

what do you mean you don’t remember gandalf having a taser in lord of the rings?

someone in the chat said “big stupid sleeping thing is what my parents called me in high school”

i think i’m blacking out what’s going on i don’t remember the past two hours

ah yes. voldemort and snape having a talk show together sounds exactly like something J.K. Rowling would make a spinoff book or show or porno of

can we just talk about how much shit chris has been doing this year? what a guy. what a dude

“coldy with voldy” actually means getting knocked the fuck out cold because you only got three hours of sleep last night and you don’t want to miss chef mike and lindsay cooking

this snape poem is summarized by one phrase: “that was terrible sit the fuck down” (sorry chris)

“let’s destroy a weasley” enter chad

fucking called it

“you smell poor” i need a caffeine drip

heh the wheel spins are at 69 heh nice

i’m a grown ass woman

welcome to a section called: we torture chad for your entertainment

“who wants us to kill weasley?” *massive cheers from the audience*

“wait weasley step away from the wideshot so i can masturbate to this later”

“i’m not gonna rub my eye mom”

oh they’re really gonna kill chad on stream huh

i felt that chest slap in my soul

i think i felt my own ribs crack

oh fucking

tumblr deleted my thoughts on the fanfic section

alright. fine. brief summary: my teeth are burning

my mom lindsay is on next and i’m so excited but i’m nearing the point of loopiness so things will go downhill dramatically from here

this is my fucking fourth extra life, you would think i’d be smart enough to sleep the night before

LINDSAY LINDSAY LINDSAY THAT’S MY MOM

JEREMY JEREMY JERE- wait a second... did jeremy get taller

oH CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE

i hope Xavier comes back next year because he’s funny as fuck

m y a t t

oh god the mcdonald’s shade i’m rolling

lindsay “who’s the chef here” jones

chef mike mentioned mayo and i involuntarily gagged

chef mike clowning the big mac. i’m crying

he made the right choice with ryan bc i’ve seen his cooking stream(s) and it’s nothing if not great content

i heARD A MICHAEL JONES

“lindsay you haven’t done anything but warm up cookies so far” “yeah and?? you’re welcome”

you know that classic snack. slightly warm oreos

JEREMY THE LIQUOR GOBLIN DOOLEY IS BACK

oh god him screeching across set is making me cry laughing

why does it remind me of trevor’s voice cracks in the one minecraft ep where they’re singing the lion king

the biggest spoon for the smallest shot glass

i just realized we’re not even halfway through yet and i’m scared for the length of this list i’m gonna end up falling asleep involuntarily at some point

lindsay no your teeth are going to errode from that shot in your mouth

well timed leet donation #1829495

this gorden ramsey bit is so fucking good

jack: what do you think of the arugala? matt: i don’t even know what you said

iT’s NoT jUsT tWo CoOkIeS miCHeAL

jeremy and michael just chillin amidst the choas is exactly my demeanor at any party i’ve ever been to

lindsay scores: ryan = 7 because diet coke, matt = still eating lindsay’s meal so it’s a 10, xavier = also still eating it so it’s an 8. total: 25

“deep fry everything but a remote control”

chef mike scores: ryan = 9 for no death, matt = greens are present, words were said, score is 8. xavier = Gourmet Mcdonald’s, food is edible, score is 8. total: 25

oh fuck it’s a tie

now they fight to the death. death = doing as many shots as possible

i think we’re all going to need liver transplants after tonight

no jesus please don’t vomit oh goD oh fUc k please- oh thank god

okay i’m making a part two this is too much

[talltalesandbedtimestories]

From Delaware With Love

Title: From Delaware With Love (COMPLETE) - Part 2 of SOME SUNNY DAY Series

Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester, Dean x OFC

Summary: Julie and Dean continued... a few months after A View To A Winchester.

Word Count:  7,500

Story Content: language, angst, therapy, fluff, smut, show-level violence

“Sweet smiles. Nothing but trouble.”

Dean mumbled, ankle deep in water in a rather large run off pipe. Someone had thought it a good idea to cut this pipe lengthwise and level with the ground. His boots filled with water. The chilly, dark October night was only going to make this experience more unpleasant for Dean. 

He’d slipped into the drainage system seconds prior, missing his foothold. But had managed to remain upright. His arms had flailed about to keep balance. The flashlight, held tight in his hand, scattered its white beam about as if Dean was in a nightclub; instead of preparing to hop a fence into a graveyard.

“Shit.” The sheathed machete dangled and rocked back and forth from one of his belt loops. His heart raced at the adrenaline surge of the miraculous feat of his feet and the soggy state of his socks. The bottom fabric of his jeans darkened and soaked up liquid of a questionable nature.

He huffed, made sure his foot placement was on solid ground, then hiked out the water pipe. The eight foot high chain link fence met him on the other side. The top appeared safe enough. No barb wire. The climb though. He sighed.

“Should have brought some wire cutters.” He grumbled, testing the bottom of the fence to try and pry some of the fence back to shimmie under. “Shit.” An owl hooted somewhere off in the not too far distance. Fallen leaves crunched under and stuck to his wet soles.

His plan of attack was getting worked out when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Can’t let it go to voicemail again. I won’t get a sexy greeting when I get home. Dean clicked the accept button. “Hey, Jules. What’s up?”

“Hey, I’ve been calling you. Everything okay?”

“Yeah. You called?” He weighed his options at playing dumb.

A pause. “Yeah, Dean. Like three times. Where are you?”

“Sorry, sweetheart. I’m looking into that thing your mom mentioned to me this afternoon.”

“What thing?”

“She didn’t tell you?”

“Nooo.” Julie dragged out the one syllable. Dean wasn’t sure who was going to get read the riot act worse, him or Brigida.

“Well, maybe I shouldn’t tell you then.”

“Dean…” She sighed.

He cased the surrounding park area with his eyes, turning a full three sixty. The last thing he needed was for something supernatural to sneak up on him while he was being sidetracked by his lady. Not the way Dean Winchester goes out. He gripped the fence with one hand and gave her his best low rumble, leaning into the chainlink. “You gonna say my name like that when I have you under me tonight?”

She sighed again. “Not if you don’t tell me what’s going on. And, it’s already eight o’clock. What could you possibly be looking into this late for mom?”

A story he’d worked out after the second missed call poured from his mouth. Not a lot of details. Vague. Just enough. The Winchester Way. “Got a call into the night nurse manager at that assisted living home. I’m on my way there now to ask a couple questions. Using one of my bounty hunter covers.” Not a full out lie.

“Oh my God. She roped you into investigating that stuff Gloria told her about today?”

“It’s fine, baby. Really. I should only be another hour. Two at the most. Wait up for me?” That slight hint of a beg would get her to cave. He was sure of it.

Julie groaned. “I’ve got an early meeting tomorrow.”

Dean whined, soft.

Another pause. “Use your key. Wake me up when you get in.”

He grinned. “Sweetheart, if you don’t wake up when I get in, I’m not doin’ it right.”

She laughed at his cheesiness. He focused on that sound, used it to counter the impending dread of the current situation. “Just take some of the nonsense my mother hears from her friends with a grain, no, a ton of salt next time.” Julie added. “You don’t always have to swoop in and save the day, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And, come home!” She ordered.

He chuckled. “Yes, ma’am.”

Turned out none of that had been nonsense. Brigida had seen Dean that Wednesday right around one o’clock. She’d come back after visiting her friend Gloria and decided to drop off a tray of baked ziti at his front door. The pasta should have been his clue. Unassuming little witch with her gluten spells.

Rattling on about the visit with Gloria, she made herself at home in Dean’s kitchen. The huge serving of sauce and cheese and carbs placed in front of him was enough for three people. Brigida sprinkled in the conversation over Dean’s feast along with her freshly grated parmesan cheese. Gloria lived in Golden Rays Assisted Living Senior Center. The poor woman had been all upset that afternoon, couldn’t enjoy her visit or lunch. That made Brigida upset by association.

The day before, Gloria had heard a pair of family members of an elderly resident that had recently passed. Gloria listened in on every word all the way from her favorite spot in the commons area. Which, Brigida added, was amazing since Gloria was deaf in one ear. The family was screaming in the hallway at someone in charge, threatening to sue. An insistence continued as they were escorted out. Something foul had been done to their father’s body before it could be removed from the premises. 

Dean had sounded deeply apologetic about the situation in between mouthfuls of food. Nodding and chewing. Damn, I would have been such a chubster if Brigida had been my mom. He stopped chewing when Brigida mentioned what Gloria had heard from another resident. The gossip was someone had chewed on the dead body and sliced some flesh from the thigh.

“But, that wasn’t the only time it’s happened, Dean-ah.” Brigida shook her head. “Gloria says some nurses were going on about weird stuff with a body a month ago. The woman had died in her sleep and they didn’t get around to check on her until the morning.” She waved both hands around in shock and disbelief high over her short, stubby frame. “What kind of place let’s someone stay dead in their bed the whole night-ah? I mean, we’d do the vigils in the houses for the dead when I was in Italy as a child.” She made the sign of the cross. “But, those people were dead in their beds on purpose. These nurses are getting paid to do a job and are too busy on their phones. These damn phones.”

Dean tried to steer her away from the technology rant. A common theme in her conversations. He swallowed down some pasta. “What weird stuff, Brigida?”

“Hm?”

“What happened to the other body?”

“Oh. The same thing. The thigh had been cut. Butchered up. Like someone was slicing up a steak for later.” She shivered, another sign of the cross and some mumblings in Italian. That’s when Brigida pulled out that sweet little smile of hers with puppy dog eyes that could give Sam a run for his money. “Do you think you could ask around? You know people, right? All that bounty ‘unting stuff Giulia says you do. You must know people.”

He’d headed to Golden Rays right after lunch. The plan was to go in as a son looking for some long term care options for a sick mother. Along the way he’d scope out the place, talk to some of the residents. That would put Brigida at ease.

These kinds of places were always sad and depressing. The Facility Director, chirping on about the positive aspects of around the clock care, seemed oblivious to the actual environment she was highlighting to Dean. Random wheelchaired residents parked by windows or in corners stared off at nothing. Walkers were used as weapons by the more mobile elders. They’d goad the nurses with the tennis ball covered legs and refused medications. Loud fits of nonsensical outbursts or arguments over a game of checkers could be heard in the commons area over the DIY channel on the television.

“Would it be alright to talk to some of your residents? You know, just to get the real skinny on this place?” Dean asked, flashing the fifty-something woman escorting him around his million dollar smile. “Not that you’d ever tell me a lie, Tameca. But you know… only the best for my mom.” 

She tugged and righted her wrinkled pencil skirt. “Well, I can give you a few minutes.” She smiled back and fussed with her hair. “How about I go and get you a packet of information to take home with you?” He nodded. She tapped his forearm. “I’ll be right back.”

Dean sighed, gazing at a nurse on the other end of the room with a couple residents. Nothing had his radar up. His nose twitched at the antiseptic cleaner in the air being used to hide a lingering scent of urine. 

“You’re Dean!” The exclamation forced Dean’s head to spin. A woman with a jet black head of hair, coiffed like a football helmet, sat on one of the couches, an arthritic finger crooked in his general direction.

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “I am. And, who might you be?” He raised his voice, knowing it was better to assume everyone had a hearing issue in this place.

She gave him a knowing nod and tapped the cane on the carpet in front of her feet. “Gloria.”

“Ah. THE Gloria? Friend of Brigida?” He smiled and pointed to the empty seat next to her. “Alright if I join you?”

“I never turn down the company of a handsome fella.” She grinned.

Dean eased into the couch. “Did Brigida tell you I might be coming by?”

“No. But she’s talked about you every week for the past three months when she comes by for lunch. ‘Dean this. Dean that. Dean’s such a good boyfriend to my daughter.’” Gloria leaned in. “She shows everyone here pictures of you on her phone.”

“Really?” That was a little concerning. “Pictures?” When the hell did she take a picture of me?

Gloria waved his look away. “She’s happy is all. And, wants to brag a little. Don’t be too hard on her. Giulia means the world to her. From what I’ve heard, you make her pretty happy.” Her wrinkles smoothed as she turned serious. “Are you here about what I told Brigida? She said she’d mention it to you. I heard about how you rescued Giulia.” She whispered and fussed with something in her ear.

Ah, one of those ‘I’ll only use my hearing aid when I want to types’. “Yes.” Dean matched her tone. “Did she tell everyone here about that, too?”

“No. Italians only like to hang our clean laundry out for everyone to stare at. Not the dirty stuff.”

Dean chuckled. “Is there anything else you can tell me, about what’s been going on?”

“Well,” she scooted a little closer next to him on the couch and grabbed his knee, “Heard something kind of scary about Night Nurse Nancy.”

Sounds like a character in a porn. “Okay.”

“Freddie… well, he almost checked out the other night. I just got an earful from him. He told me that he was having trouble breathing… real bad sleep apnea.” She pointed to a man who looked to be about a hundred sleeping in a wheelchair.

Dean pointed, brows raised in confusion. “You got an earful out of that man?”

She nodded. “I’m the only one he talks to around here. Everyone thinks he’s a nut job. Anyway, he told me he woke up the other night and thought he was dreaming, when he saw Nancy standing over his bed. She took the damn CPAP machine off his face and just watched him. For minutes. And, then…”

Dean frowned. “Yeah?”

“She licked his face. Said he was going to taste yummy.”

Still sounds like a character in a porn.

Gloria continued. “But, Nancy’s been acting a bit strange over the past couple months.”

“Well, face licking is definitely a contender for strange behavior.”

“Depends on the situation, young man.” Gloria flirted with a wrinkle-laden grin.

Dean cleared his throat.

The old woman didn’t skip a beat in the conversation. “She’s been missing work a lot. Used to be like clockwork. Real dependable.” Gloria sighed. “And, she used to smell so nice. Like begonias. Now, when she comes into my room to help me get ready for bed,” her nose wrinkled up, “she smells like a sewer.”

Pieces slotted into place in Dean’s head. “Would you happen to know Night Nurse Nancy’s last name and when she comes into work?” 

Gloria did know Nancy’s last name. It was Kissle and she usually started her shift at six o’clock. Dean said his goodbyes. Gloria teased he should come by one day with Brigida for lunch. The macaroni and cheese they served on Wednesdays wasn’t half bad. Even Brigida ate it. Tameca, the Facility Director, cornered him with a Golden Rays folder before he could duck out and insisted she get his phone number. He obliged, giving her his other, other cell phone contact.

Dean drove Baby to the nearest coffee shop, lugged his business laptop in with him, logged onto the Free WiFi, and did his best Sam impression for a good half hour. Sipping on some black coffee, he used his hunting know-how and skip tracking tools and resources to find out as much as he could about Nancy Kissle. He and Julie exchanged some lively and sexy text messages in between his research. He told her he was out on a quick job, but should be able to swing by her house later. If not for dinner, then most definitely dessert (winky face emoji, tongue licking face emoji).

The information hadn’t been too hard to dig up. Nancy was a little over fifty. Single. Never married. Lived about five miles from the facility. There was no harm in swinging by her place of residence. Maybe he could ask her a few questions. Or do some snooping. He had a hunch, but he needed to be sure. It was almost five. Maybe he’d get lucky. But, his stomach grumbled, so he grabbed a sandwich to eat in the car before he left.

The five story apartment complex looked like any other. Unassuming, boxy and boring, with a worn green covered awning leading to the entrance doors. A horseshoe shaped parking lot wrapped around the building. Dean drove around the lot, slow and determined, until his eyes landed on the license plate attached to Nancy Kissle’s motor vehicle registration. Still here. He parked far away from the puke green compact hatchback belonging to the nurse. He frowned at the similarity in shape and size the suspect’s car had to Julie’s.

Deciding his usual attire would not be too out of the ordinary for anyone to remember if things went south, he slid a hammer into the large interior pocket of his army jacket. Dean was flying by the seat of his pants again. And, he kind of enjoyed it. Baby’s door clicked closed upon his exit.

Enjoyment versus duty. That was the crux of his last therapy session with Tricia that very morning, hours before Brigida arrived. Tricia was a sixty year old licensed therapist who also had thirty years of hunting under her now hung up belt.

Dean pulled his phone out and paced outside the locked doors of the apartment building. He pretended to have a conversation with someone, glancing in the glass doors, until a man appeared in a hurry on his way out. He chatted away into the phone and slid through the space of the open doorway the resident had left in their wake.

The tiny entryway had a wall of lockers that served as mailboxes on one side. The room smelled like dirty gym socks.

Charming. Nothing like Tricia’s place, that’s for sure. Tricia had a condo in Denver, Colorado. Dean got a little tour of her swanky abode in their first telehealth session two months ago. He’d needed proof of her credentials. The diplomas on her wall made no difference. He wanted to see her hunter’s stash, her old tools of the trade. A pull of a safe door, hidden behind an expensive looking painting that pried back from the wall on a hinge, let him peek via video chat at the guns, knives, spell books, and ingredients used to make tinctures and antidotes. There were even a few vampire teeth and werewolf claws in a mason jar. They tinkled against the glass when she shook it. The only things Tricia hunted now were elk. An eight point trophy hung above the wall behind her in the office.

Dean noted the permits and approvals hanging over his head in the apartment building alcove. He also did a sweep for cameras. One pointed at the entrance door. But, lucky him, there was no sign of another one. Especially one pointing in the direction of what he’d been looking for since he stepped inside. Assuring no one was heading in or out, he sprinted to the far corner and pulled the fire alarm. A pitiful dinging emerged from the ancient system. Seconds later, the other alarms in the building triggered and echoed back, louder and with purpose. His eyes darted up the stairwell and then the elevator. Let’s hope Nancy is responsible and follows guidelines in an emergency. Dean started up the steps, slow, feeling that surge of enjoyment pulse through him. 

Enjoyment versus duty. He had lists to put together for his next therapy session. Forty three fucking years old and I gotta do homework. Things he did for enjoyment. Things he did because he had to. See if any connected, overlapped. Dean already told her he’d enjoyed hunting. Needed it like breathing. Had grown into embracing the duty and found a carnal pleasure in the hunt at a young age. Tricia already knew the whispered, hero tales of the fabled Winchesters. In fact, having Dean Winchester as a client was like hitting the jackpot. She might write a dissertation about him if he ever gave her permission. Dean wasn’t sure if he should take that as a compliment or a threat.

The question, Tricia posed, was if he could consider himself a good person, not broken, outside the realm of normalcy, because he found enjoyment in the duties of a hunter. There were many things people enjoyed centuries, even only decades past, that had been considered evil, abnormal. If enlightenment and acceptance was possible on a societal level by a large majority, Dean should be able to give himself the same hall pass.

Residents passed him down the apartment building stairwell. Some in a hurry, others grumbling at the disruption. “Wrong way, buddy.” A smart ass, about Dean’s age, tossed the comment out at him.

“Making sure my girlfriend isn’t home, thanks.” Dean mumbled. As he rounded the corner and glanced up, he identified Nancy from her drivers license picture, exiting the door marked “3rd.” Dean slowed as the ample bosomed woman he’d been looking for passed his figure. The stench Gloria mentioned wafted into his nose. Not a sewer. But how would Gloria know that smell or have anything else but a sewer to compare it to? Only someone who’s spent time six feet under would know that smell. All those endless hours racked up, thousands of them probably, surrounded by dirt and rotting corpses. That’s the smell of a graveyard.

Nancy continued down the stairs, not even giving Dean a second glance. A peek down the zig zags, making sure that if he couldn’t see her, she couldn’t see him, gave him the confidence to head through the door into the third floor hallway. A sweeping survey of the hall confirmed he was alone. The order of the numbered apartment doors guided his direction. His steps hurried to the right and followed the bend that turned left. Boots halted at the threshold of 3E. A floor mat covered in cartoon cats chasing balls of yarn welcomed him.

Poor Nancy. He knocked. Waited. Knocked again. Dean deemed the area around him clear with a tilt of his head left, then right, and a tuning of his ears to the sounds of nothing in the hall. He pulled the picks out of his pocket. Fiddling with the pins in the lock, hunched over, for longer than anticipated made his back uncomfortable. An inner debate of a kick down was admonished once the click of success bolted him upright to twist the doorknob.

A meow from a long haired white cat greeted him when he stepped in the doorway. It snaked and rubbed around one of his shins, purring, transferring its fur onto Dean’s jeans. Another orange tabby was not as friendly, frozen in place near the love seat in the living room. Dean took another step inside and the orange cat fled the scene. The white feline bolted after it in what looked like a playful chase. The earthy scent hit him, like compost on steroids.

Dean readied himself with the hammer in hand and canvassed the small apartment. The cat food and water bowls were filled in the living room. He passed by the bathroom. There were self care products on the vanity, all arranged nice and neat. The litter box in a nook in the hallway was clean. What the hell? Maybe it’s not…

A turn of a corner had him in the kitchen. The chest freezer in the spot where a table would normally sit halted his steps. Locked. He aimed and swung the hammer on the tiny combination lock twice. It broke into pieces and scattered on the floor. The contents of the freezer made Dean cringe. “Son of a bitch.” He mumbled. “Poor Nancy.”

Nancy still wore the tattered remains of her bloody nurse uniform. She’d been folded and wedged into the freezer like a trash compactor had given up halfway through. An even more macabre version of a contortionist trick. The ghoul hadn’t even bothered to close the eyes of its victim. Not that Dean had expected something close to mercy from anything supernatural. Her eyeballs were covered in a layer of frost and cloudy. The cat pattern of her scrubs bloody in patches where the monster had been snacking.

He closed the lid, then opened the fridge door. Clear glass storage containers, all from a matching set with pink plastic lids, were filled with, at first glance, cuts of meat, pork. “The fucker’s moved in. And, it likes cats. And, not just as a side dish.”

Keeping Nancy on ice to use her form. Nice and comfy living her life after a couple months. Must have bought the freezer right after she died. A blaring firetruck and sounds of activity from the open kitchen window had him peek down to the parking lot. Shit. Her car’s gone. His watch read that it was almost six. It must have gone to work. Gotta get another lead on this thing and its habits. Routines. Can’t wait here for when it gets back and can’t off it at the nursing home.

A pile of envelopes, bills and paperwork piled up on the kitchen counter got his attention. His fingers waded through, looking for anything out of the ordinary. “Hm. All Saints Cathedral Cemetery.” He studied the invoice. “A mausoleum crypt? Buying a vacation home, too?” He snapped a picture of the invoice to grab the address and crypt location. “Well, I know where I’m going next.”

Now, after tossing the machete over first as a precaution, Dean climbed over the chain link fence, grumbling and cursing. He might be really close to wrapping up this issue. And, dammit, he wanted to get home to Julie. Warm in her bed, waiting for him. Safe.

It took another twenty minutes to search the grounds of the cemetery. Dean tracked down the ten by ten crypt that Nurse Nancy had put a down payment on. The elaborate, gothic stone work and the crumbling mortar of the exterior proved this wasn’t new construction. What the hell? Can you lease these things?

The makeshift crowbar, an iron post loosened from a fence five minutes prior, wedged into the gap between the crypt gate and the jamb broke the seal with little effort. Dean recalled the brother and sister ghoul duo that had killed his half-brother Adam. Need to make sure this is a swinging singles pad and not a home for the fucking Brady Bunch.

The post clanged to the concrete. “Lucy! I’m home!” Dean belted out in his best Desi impression. The machete eased out of the sheath. The swish of the blade swirling in his rotating wrist. It finally settled in position by his thigh. The flashlight focused on the corners of the stone structure, the walls, the ceiling, the ground.

Nothing here. Not yet.

A gust of wind shot past Dean, into the crypt. At least, he’d thought it was the wind for a second. Then Nancy, a crazed look in her eye, out of breath, hair wild, appeared before him in the center of the floor. And smiled.

Her palm connected to his sternum in a classic Bruce Lee move. The force threw Dean backwards out of the crypt onto squishy sod, and thankfully not a tombstone, about ten feet away. He landed arms flailed and outstretched - on purpose to avoid slicing off any important bits with the machete. “Ooof!” Dean groaned. “That’s gonna hurt in the morning.” His flashlight now lost, he rose trying to focus in the dark. The ghoul’s shadow strolled over. “Strong, silent type, huh?” Dean shrugged and wheezed. “Can’t shut me up to save my life.” He gripped the machete like a baseball bat. “I gotta know, though.” He gasped. “What’s up with the cats?” His insides vibrated from the manhandling.

Nancy stopped, a couple feet in front of his figure. Her head tilted.

“I mean is the crazy cat lady thing just a bit? You have a partner in crime helping you out with all this?”

“What? Never been killed by a strong, independent ghoul before?” She finally spoke. Her voice shrill. Cackling.

Dean smiled. “All I needed to hear.” He swung.

And didn’t miss.

When he got back to his car, Dean called Detective Marty Tullman and explained the whole mess.

“Damn, Winchester. Again? If I weren’t as good a cop as I am and seen the things I’d seen, I’d think you were some serial killer baitin’ me along.” Marty sounded tired over the line.

“Saved your life, remember?” Dean reminded.

“Yeah, yeah. So, what I gotta clean up?”

“I tried to clean up my prints back in the apartment. But, in case any get lifted…”

He sighed, “Yeah, yeah.”

“And, the twinsie ghoul is in the crypt for safekeeping. Just so you see it for yourself.” He snapped his finger. “Get those cats some nice homes, Detective.” 

The powerful jets of his bathroom shower sprayed hot water with an intense focus on all his aching muscles. He leaned into the heat and wet for a good ten minutes, stretching and grunting, trying to squash the adrenaline surge along with the impending soreness. A helping of pain meds and a beer were taken for good measure. The comfy sweats, his blue Henley, and slippers would be enough for the quick trek to his final destination. He slipped house keys and the phone into a pocket after locking up. Debated, then rounded the front of his house to cut through the neighbor’s backyard. No more fence climbing tonight.

Dean halted at the end of Wes and Samuel’s driveway, spotting the red embers of a cigarette near the back porch, before their motion sensor spotlighted him.

“Hello, Dean.” Samuel crooned his way. A camel colored cardigan hung loose from his shoulders and hunched frame, leaning elbows on bent knees. A puff of the cigarette had it blazing red again.

“Sorry, Samuel. Alright if I head through?”

“Of course. You don’t have to ask. Neighbors and all.” He grinned in the golden glow. “You should probably install a gate between your backyard and Julie’s, though. For convenience.” A tip of the head toward Julie’s house followed, along with a wink.

Dean smiled. “Good idea. I’ll run the idea by her. Have a good night.”

As he walked away, Dean heard Samuel mumble, “Not as good a night as you’ll be having, I’m sure.”

Dean crept through Julie’s house, avoiding as many of the creaks in the floor as possible. It was a thoughtful gesture on his part but totally unnecessary. He’d learned over the past couple months how sound of a sleeper his lady was. Out like a light when she didn’t have much to fuss or worry about. Out even faster after a horizontal, or on occasion vertical, sexy romp with him. She mumbled one night, in his arms as she drifted, that she hadn’t slept so well in years. A sense of pride and accomplishment filled him, hearing that.

He slid through the doorway into her bedroom. His eyes caught her luscious frame tangled in a mess of comforter and sheets in the middle of the bed. Such a bed hog. He touched the small lamp on the nightstand to get a better view. His and her house key, and silenced phone, landed on the dresser.

The adrenaline flooded through him again. He wet his lips and strolled to the foot of the bed. Took his time. Drank her in. Ready for me. Her bare shoulders peeking out from the covers indicated she’d gone to bed with not much on, anticipating his return. Her little moans, her version of snoring, increased an octave with each inhale. He waited for it to reach that plateau, crest, and die down again, quiet and calm. He’d gotten used to that little detail, stayed up close to an hour one night to memorize her breathing pattern. It helped his not as restful sleeping habits adjust to hers.

Dean pulled at the comforter with a tight grip. It snagged with the dead weight. The insistence and tugging caused her to moan in her sleep. Dean’s commando cock twitched. She rolled over onto her back, freed the comforter. Feeling like he hit the jackpot, Dean realized he had hooked the sheet as well. Julie rolled to her other side and sighed.

Oh, yes. Sooo ready for me. He peeled the sheet back and away. Saw the slope and crook of her arms hiding those breasts he needed to get his mouth on. The dip of her spine and the curve of her ass and those plump cheeks he wanted to slap. Thighs he wanted wrapped around his ears, blocking out any noise so all he could hear was his mouth sucking and working her pussy into a puddle. The tight cords on the back of her knees he ached to feel clench over his shoulders.

Dean removed his shirt and sweatpants. His cock was now at full attention and already dripping with precum. “Jules.” He whispered, the comforter and sheets now a small hill at the bottom of the mattress. He had to climb over, careful and slow. He slipped onto his tummy and army-crawled toward her. 

His hard cock slid and pushed into the mattress. He groaned. She stirred. Another sigh and she rolled fast, flopped onto her back, slapping his cheek with curled fingers and the back of her hand. Dean cursed. Julie snored.

He felt his eyes widen. Her breasts rose with each deep breath. He tilted his head away from her offending arm and slithered over to her chest. He whispered. “You better not slap me again, Jules. Not in the mood.” She moaned, in her dream world, back at him. “Shit. Maybe I am.”

Dean’s jaw tightened. His chin hovered inches above her ribcage. The shadow of his profile covered the rise of her soft tummy. The hunger rose with the travel of his gaze over the solid, protruding hip bones. He loved to gnaw on them before getting down to business between her legs. She was a feast for sore eyes.

There’d still been so much he wanted to explore with this woman. He had to keep reminding himself to believe he had time with her. The safe part, that’s most important right now. Thoughts and visions of tying her up had gotten him hard beyond comprehension. Hell, he even toyed with the offering of Jules wrapping silk cords around his wrists. Pink ones. He’d talked him through how bad of an idea all of that was in front of the bathroom mirror weeks back. There was the potential flashback and trigger of Jules’ kidnapping by the Jinn. None of it would be a wise venture. He couldn’t ask her, even in jest, if she’d be up for that kind of kink. At least not now.

So, the weeks together had been playful, light, and he let her guide him. Watched with surprise and awe when she expressed her cute little dominant side. Especially when his mouth went where it wanted to right now. Or, that time she was down on her knees, giving him the privilege of her mouth on his cock, and decided to slap his ass right as he got close to coming.

As much as he ached to wake her with his tongue or cock deep inside, it was not a good idea.

“Julie?” He whispered, louder.

Nothing.

“Julie?” He nudged into her side with his chin. “Wake up, sweetheart.”

An angry little moan escaped. Grumpy.

He sighed, then spoke louder, with more force. “Okay. I guess I’ll just get dressed and head back home.” He leaned on his side, propped up on an elbow, ready to rock off the mattress, watching for any reaction from her.

That dangerous arm curled around his chest, hooking into his side. “Dean?” she asked, stirring from sleep, eyes still closed.

“Who else would be naked in your bed?” He teased and relaxed into the softness of her body. Her tummy was the perfect pillow for the side of his face. His neck and shoulder wedged against her waist. A nuzzle made her sigh, knowing she appreciated that he took a razor to his scruff after the shower earlier.

He studied her face from his vantage, past her breastbone, caught the lips turning into a smile. “Depends on the night. Have to check my schedule.” She mumbled. “What time is it?”

Dean swiveled his head to read the alarm clock. “After ten.”

“Deeaann.” She grumbled. “Why so late?”

“Shhh…” He dialed down her grumpiness with a handful of breast and the soft rolling of her right nipple between his thumb and forefinger. “You gonna yell at me or let me take care of you?”

A pleasant moan erupted. “Can’t we do both?” She whispered.

He chuckled. “Bossy.”

“Baby.” She countered.

“Oh, it’s gonna be like that?” Dean bolted up, rocked back on his knees, bare ass against his heels. Julie’s eyes bolted open as well. He loved that look of amazement and lust he could conjure. He grabbed her by a knee with both hands, lifted the leg up in the air and swung it around him, scissoring her open like a living doll. Just as quick, he leaned down kissing her tummy. His forearms tunneled under her back between the mattress, lifting and placing her in a more comfortable position now that he’d bent her into an odd angle. Her head flopped by the side of the bed.

She giggled as he cradled the back of her head with one hand and shoved two pillows under her ponytail. “So thoughtful.” She teased.

“I try, sweetheart.”

Julie’s smile softened. Her cool fingers gripped his jaw. “I know.” She lifted off the pillows and seized his lips in a kiss. “Hm.” The sound vibrated in his mouth. Continued to pulse through his skin when she released. “I missed you.”

He grinned. “You just had me last night.”

She shrugged. “And?”

He sat back up between her legs. His knees splayed under her thighs. All of her opening to him. His thumb slipped through the fold, light and teasing. She groaned. He was still sore as hell but he was going to spend at least an hour on her body. “How do you want me tonight? Cause I have all sorts of ideas.”

She bit her bottom lip before speaking, squirming under his touch. “I had a surprise for you. That was why I wanted you to come home early.”

His eyes dipped down to inspect the wetness coating the two fingers he had swiped past the dark curls and through the pink folds. He licked his lips and gazed back up at her face.

“Dean. Shit. I guess it can wait until the weekend.”

“Seriously? You’re going to hit me with ‘had a surprise for you’ and make me wait?” He lowered his voice on purpose. “Come on, baby. What was the surprise?” He searched for her wet hole, found it, and snuck in with a fingertip.

“You made me wait.” She shot back. Dean smirked at how hard she was trying to stay focused and angry. “God, why do you have to be so goddamn infuriating, adorable, and fuckable all at the same time?” She huffed and stared him down with a shaky, crumbling glare.

“Gift.” He strummed her clit with his thumb, found that spot that tapped her like the second hand of a clock. Slight tremors shook through her skin and hitched breath. His mouth betrayed him, confessing, “Damn, I love how your body responds to me. Wanna be inside. Feel you all around me.” He tested her with a soft order. “Grab a condom. You’re closer. And, I don’t want to stop… this.” He thrummed her hard now.

She hummed, thinking. Her chest arched up. “So, maybe then I should give you your surprise?”

“Jules.” He groaned. “Come on, baby. One way or another, we’ve got to shift this into the next gear. Quick.”

“I went on the pill a few weeks ago.” She moaned out.

Dean stilled his movements. “Huh?”

Her panting continued. He watched her try to come down from the arousal. “Went to the doctor and got some birth control.” Her mouth danced around the explanation. “Steve had gotten snipped years ago. I thought… if you wanted… if this was going somewhere… we might want…” She shrugged. “Be closer.”

Dean’s lips parted, listening to her. His hands left the warmth and wet of her. He leaned down, let his hands cage her at the waist. 

“I had to get tested, just to make sure, right after I found out what the asshole did.” She continued. “So, I know I’m fine.” Her eyebrows raised in hope.

Dean smiled.

“If you aren’t sure, we can wait until you get tested. I mean, with all your past man whoring.” She smiled back.

“Man whoring?” He chuckled.

“No one is this good without lots of experience.”

His eyebrows rose. “You’re pretty damn good. Does that mean…?”

She tilted her head and pursed her lips.

He sighed. “Want to know one of the scariest things I ever did?”

The curiosity won and she nodded.

“Getting tested for every damn STD two years ago. When I moved to Delaware… after…” There were still the secrets he had to navigate through. He’d only told her more about his mom and dad and his nomad existence with Sam over the past month. But, nothing about the supernatural and the Winchester saga. He sighed, hating the need to audit the details. “I figured if I was going to clean slate it, I might as well know if I had anything else to worry about. I mean, I’d had the occasional… annoyances over the years… with all my man whoring as you so nicely put it.”

She giggled, her hands gliding up his arms, muscles bulging, locked straight on either side of her waist now. “And?”

“By some miracle, all good.” He begrudgingly gave Chuck credit for that.

She nodded, the smile growing. “And no one but me since you got tested?”

“Nope. No other pussy has passed these lips or been introduced to my cock.”

She slapped his biceps. “Nice.” Her lids narrowed. “What about ass?”

He laughed. “Nope. No other orifices.” He added as her mouth opened to question again. “Female or male.”

“Oh. Do I get to hear some fun tales?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

“Let’s see how this goes first?” Dean asked.

Julie nodded, let the words breathe out husky and deep. “Yes. Please.” She removed one of the pillows under her head and got comfy. “Andiamo, Bello.”

Dean gulped, buckled at the elbows and lay prone on top. Staring into her eyes, cushioning into the soft curves and feeling the hard ridges. “Not fair, Jules. You know what you do to me when you start talking Italian.”

Her hands roamed over his shoulders. “You feel so good already, Dean.” She kissed his lips soft and tender. “I’ve been wanting to really feel you since that first night together.”

His hardening cock settled into the warmth, sliding and teasing into the folds with a subtle rocking of hips. “You’re sure?” He asked. “You let me inside like this, I may never come out.” She giggled into her moan. Their lips, wet with the mingling and his licking, slipped over each other. Need. Want. All of her body heating up under his. So close. The thought of being even closer to this woman stilled him for a moment, froze him in the kiss. Should I? Without her knowing all of it?

He knew she felt whatever that was that happened in him. She pulled back. Threaded fingers through his hair and stared into his eyes. Deep. Hard. “Honest? In this moment?” She asked, smiling.

He nodded, those words heard from her often over the past weeks, requesting a glimpse into his thoughts.

“No plans on hurting me?”

“Of course not, sweetheart.” He whispered. “Right through to my bones. All I wanna do is make you happy.” He shrugged. “And, not piss you off too much in the attempt.”

She squirmed and circled her hips under him. “Pissing me off is half the fun, though, isn’t it?”

He grinned. “Maybe.” Her motions ignited him again. “God, you’re really gonna let me, huh?” He licked his lips and then hers. “It’s been so long since I’ve done that. Hot stuff isn’t gonna last long.”

“Then enjoy every second.” She mumbled, slid over to nibble on his ear and whispered. “I wanna watch.”

Dean groaned. “Fuck. Really not gonna last long if you keep ordering me around.” He took a deep breath and pushed up into a plank position. Her face tilted up, breath hot, exhaling fast against his chin. Their bodies shifted and eased in place, both of them focusing on the heat of their sex. One hand pushed her bent leg farther up and into the mattress, then stroked his length, still wet with her. “Can you see alright?” He asked.

She nodded, kissing his chin.

He smiled and dipped down to brush her forehead with his lips. His cock slid through her folds, slipping and coating, readying. He knew what he was looking for, of course. Knew her anatomy and proportions, had them seared and memorized in his brain. But he wanted to enjoy the feel of every inch of pink and plush and pulsing flesh. Enjoy every second.

Her hip tilted up, eager. Her face was flushed. She licked her lips and Dean almost collapsed on top of her.

He pressed the tip to her entrance. “This what you want so bad?”

“You know it is.”

“Tell me what you want, sweetheart?”

“Want to feel you. Just you, deep inside.”

“Fuckin’ Hell.” 

He moaned and pressed in an inch. His hand assisted in the guidance for another second or two. Then, he let go, balanced above her on locked arms again, his back curving downward in a slalom slope to his ass. His eyes closed, relishing the exquisite torture of skin to skin; the clutch of her walls accepting him; the sounds she made, a little more high pitched than usual. 

His eyes opened, catching her staring at his face. He smiled. “Thought you wanted a good view down below?”

“Nothing wrong with the view up here, either.” She urged him down to share a kiss, soft and slow.

He broke from her mouth. “Watch us, Jules.”

She nodded. And he watched with her as their bodies connected. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he eased down, seated into her complete and full. And she gave him the sweetest smile.

“Sweet smiles.” He groaned in delight. “Nothing but trouble.”

[professorpalmarosa]

Bro de Cologne (Maito Gai - Naruto)

Ah, yes. Majestic, hilarious, kindhearted, and optimistic Gai-sensei! My appreciation for this character grew along with my age. It’s always important for kids to have a good role model to look up to, and this gentlemen did that wonderfully.

Is he perfect? Not by a long shot. Does he care about his students equally? Again, I’d hesitate to say he does (Lee’s a pretty clear favorite). But still, he puts in more effort to help his students along than the other jōnin mentors we’ve met from Konoha.

There’s a lot of love and care in that man, so thanks for cheering!

Now…what did I put in his blend? This one goes under a read more due to length!

Online, I found a recipe for the original medieval blend of Eau de Cologne and modified it to add a scent that all of the Team Gai bath bombs contain: the lovely, ever-versatile Rosalina!

Blood Orange Essential Oil

There’s a large and vast variety of orange essential oils out there, but most fall into two categories: those derived from the bitter orange (Neroli, Petitgrain, etc.), and those derived from the sweet orange (Sweet Orange, Tangerine, Mandarin, Blood Orange, etc.).

Out of the sweet orange oils I have, the Blood Orange has the strongest and juiciest scent. If you love oranges, Blood Orange is something you’ll want to get for yourself. It smells fantastic!

Pros: The peel of sweet orange varieties (which includes Blood Orange) can be used to increase your appetite, reduce phlegm in your nose and lungs, treat coughs and colds, calm down asthma, reduce intestinal gas, settle indigestion, treat kidney stones, lower cholesterol, regulate blood pressure, and reduce the risk of stroke.

Some research even indicates that Blood Orange Essential Oil can help with prostate cancer and cancerous breast sores.

One other super cool thing about Blood Orange is that it’s listed as an aphrodisiac oil. Spritz yourself with a little and have yourself a grand time!

Cons:

Due to its high limonene content, Blood Orange is not safe to diffuse around a cat. Your dog should be fine, but cats lack a liver enzyme that helps them break down this chemical. It can create a toxic buildup and make them very, very sick.

Although Blood Orange is perfectly safe for adults, do not use the essential oil with babies or children under the age of 6.

If you are taking any of the below medications, do not use this essential oil:

Celiprolol (Celicard)

Ivermectin

Pravastatin (Pravachol)

If you are taking any of the below medications, exercise caution when using this essential oil:

Quinolone antibiotics such as Ciprofloxacin (Cipro), Enoxacin (Penetrex), Gatifloxacin (Tequin), Levofloxacin (Levaquin), Lomefloxacin (Maxaquin), Moxifloxacin (Avelox), Norfloxacin (Noroxin), Ofloxacin (Floxin), and Trovafloxacin (Trovan).

Fenofenadine (Allegra)

Medications moved by pumps in cells (P-Glycoprotein substrates) such as Etoposide, Paclitaxel, Vinblastine, Vincristine, Vindesine, Ketoconazole, Itraconazole, Amprenavir, Indinavir, Nelfinavir, Saquinavir, Cimetidine, Ranitidine, Diltiazem, Verapamil, Corticosteroids, Erythromycin, Cisapride (Propulsid), Fexofenadine (Allegra), Cyclosporine, Loperamide (Imodium), Quinidine, and others.

Lemon Essential Oil

Pros:

Boost your mood and put a little cheer in the air! Lemon Essential Oil is a natural antidepressant. The smell brings to mind a clean, uplifting atmosphere that combats any mental miasma that may be lurking around the room or office.

Fight inflammation and the signs of aging! Lemon Essential Oil contains a high antioxidant concentration, which can be used to fight age spots, wrinkles, a weak immune system, arthritis, and swelling.

It’s a powerful astringent! This essential oil speeds up the healing process for cuts, scrapes, and wounds because it kills any harmful germs that come into contact with the damaged skin. You can even add a few drops to your mouthwash to really freshen up your breath. I especially love to apply this oil to my back, where I used to suffer from sebaceous cysts (not that I’ve had one since I began using essential oils). You can brighten your dull skin and keep it clean with a natural, healthy glow.

Flush out toxins and water weight! Lemon Essential Oil is a diuretic, which means it increases the amount of times you have to urinate. Your body will do this to flush out toxins and bacteria, but it’s also a great way to reduce swelling on your joints, muscles, or abdomen.

Decongest your airways! Lemon Essential Oil is a known remedy for coughs, colds, and stuffy noses. Diffuse it or put a few drops of the oil in your bath water for maximum effect.

Cons:

Since Lemon Essential Oil is derived from the peel, which is a photosynthesizing part of the plant, this oil has some photosensitive properties. As a result, it is best to avoid going out in the sun or hitting the tanning bed for the next 12-36 hours after using this oil. Lemon Essential Oil will temporarily make you more sensitive to UV lights, increasing your risk of sunburn or phototoxicity.

Other than this one note of caution, Lemon Essential Oil is considered to be universally safe and (when diluted with a carrier or put in a bathtub) is safe for children.

Pink Grapefruit Essential Oil

Grapefruit is one of those familiar scents and is used in many diets to boost metabolism and suppress appetite. I even ended up picking up an entire half-gallon of white grapefruit juice on my way home from work yesterday, since it’s one of my favorite flavors in the world.

I’ve also been trying to find white grapefruit in my grocery store since I graduated from college in 2011, but I can’t seem to find them anywhere. If anyone knows where I could purchase them online from a reputable source, message me. I miss them so!

Pros: Grapefruit Essential Oil has several health benefits and can be your friend on a (safe) weight loss regimen. This oil contains a lot of the chemical d-limonene, which has clinically been shown to stabilize your metabolism, decrease your BMI, and even lower cholesterol.

Grapefruit peel (the part of the grapefruit Essential Oil comes from) also contains a lot of antioxidants, which help fight free radicals in your body and reduce your risk of cancer.

The smell of grapefruit can make a person feel happier and more alert. Some folks use it as a stimulant.

One of my friends mixes a little Grapefruit Essential Oil (due to its disinfecting nature) and vinegar into her homemade bathroom cleaner and her tub sparkles.

Cons:

Grapefruit (Pink or White) Essential Oil increases your photosensitivity, which increases your risk for sunburn. Please avoid being in the sun for too long if you’ve applied this essential oil (even diluted) to your skin in the past 12 to 36 hours.

Some liver medications may take longer for the liver to break down if Grapefruit (Pink or White) Essential Oil is being used:

Some medications that react to sunlight may increase your photosensitivity while Grapefruit (Pink or White) Essential Oil is being used. Please use sunscreen, sunglasses, and protective garments if outdoors if you’re using these medications and use Grapefruit on the regular.

If you use any of the below do not use this product:

Artemether (Artenam, Paluther)

Buspirone (BuSpar)

Carbamazepine (Tegretol)

Carvedilol (Coreg)

Cisapride (Propulsid)

Clomipramine (Anafranil)

Cyclosporine (Neoral, Sandimmune)

Dextromethorphan (Robitussin DM, and others)

Estrogen Supplements (Premarin, Climara, Vivelle)

Etoposide (VePesid)

Itraconazole (Sporanox)

Itraconazole (Sporanox)

Medications changed by the liver (Cytochrome P450 3A4 (CYP3A4) substrates, lovastatin (Mevacor), ketoconazole (Nizoral), itraconazole (Sporanox), fexofenadine (Allegra), triazolam (Halcion), and many others.)

Medications for high blood pressure (nifedipine (Adalat, Procardia), verapamil (Calan, Isoptin, Verelan), diltiazem (Cardizem), isradipine (DynaCirc), felodipine (Plendil), amlodipine (Norvasc), and others.)

Medications used for lowering cholesterol ((Mevacor), simvastatin (Zocor), atorvastatin (Lipitor), cerivastatin (Baycol), and others).

Methylprednisolone

Praziquantel (Biltricide)

Quinidine

Scopolamine (Transderm Scop)

Sedative medications (Benzodiazepines like clonazepam (Klonopin), diazepam (Valium), lorazepam (Ativan), and others).

Sildenafil (Viagra)

Terfenadine (Seldane)

If you use any of the below on the regular, exercise caution:

Caffeine

Erythromycin

Fenofexadine (Allegra)

Losartan (Cozaar)

Medications changed by the liver (Cytochrome P450 1A2 (CYP1A2) substrates) such as (amitriptyline (Elavil), haloperidol (Haldol), ondansetron (Zofran), propranolol (Inderal), theophylline (Theo-Dur, others), verapamil (Calan, Isoptin, others), and generics

Medications changed by the liver (Cytochrome P450 2C19 (CYP2C19) substrates) such as omeprazole (Prilosec), lansoprazole (Prevacid), and pantoprazole (Protonix); diazepam (Valium); carisoprodol (Soma); nelfinavir (Viracept); and generics

Medications changed by the liver (Cytochrome P450 2C9 (CYP2C9) substrates) such as diclofenac (Cataflam, Voltaren), ibuprofen (Motrin), meloxicam (Mobic), and piroxicam (Feldene); celecoxib (Celebrex); amitriptyline (Elavil); warfarin (Coumadin); glipizide (Glucotrol); losartan (Cozaar); and others.

Saquinavir (Fortovase, Invirase)

Theophylline

Warfarin (Coumadin)

The TL;DR on this list is this: “If you are taking a medication that impacts your liver or blood, exercise caution or don’t use Grapefruit Essential Oil (White or Pink).

You’ll probably have better luck with the fragrance oil, which will have none of the benefits but won’t mess up your medication.

It’s not just pretty smells and relaxing aromatherapy, guys. Some of this stuff can mess with your meds and Grapefruit’s notorious for it.

Lime Essential Oil

Pros: Lime can be used to help with gastrointestinal issues such as diarrhea. Other people apply it neat (directly to the skin) as a stimulant or to treat nausea. The very smell of Lime can boost your appetite and promotes extra saliva in your mouth. More than this, lime can give your immune system a boost: warding off common colds and winter bugs before they even hit you!

It’s also great for keeping a youthful complexion and reducing the appearance of wrinkles, age spots, and varicose veins.

Cons:

Lime Essential Oil increases your photosensitivity, which increases your risk for sunburn. Please avoid being in the sun for too long if you’ve applied Lime Essential Oil to your skin in the past 12 to 36 hours.

Some liver medications may take longer for the liver to break down if Lime Essential Oil is being used:

Lovastatin (Mevacor)

Ketoconazole (Nizoral)

Itraconazole (Sporanox)

Fexofenadine (Allegra)

Triazolam (Halcion)

Some medications that react to sunlight may increase your photosensitivity while Lime Essential Oil is being used. Please use sunscreen, sunglasses, and protective garments if outdoors if you’re using these medications and use Lime on the regular:

Amitriptyline (Elavil)

Ciprofloxacin (Cipro)

Norfloxacin (Noroxin)

Lomefloxacin (Maxaquin)

Ofloxacin (Floxin)

Levofloxacin (Levaquin)

Sparfloxacin (Zagam)

Gatifloxacin (Tequin)

Moxifloxacin (Avelox)

Trimethoprim/Sulfamethoxazole (Septra)

Tetracycline

Methoxsalen (8-methoxypsoralen, 8-MOP, Oxsoralen)

Trioxsalen (Trisoralen)

Petitgrain Essential Oil

Petitgrain Essential Oil is made from the stems and branches of the Seville Bitter Orange tree (the same tree that produces Neroli flower: my favorite Essential Oil of all time). It has a nice outdoorsy smell reminiscent of a freshly mowed lawn. Green and young oranges (which are roughly the size of peas) are mixed in there traditionally, hence the name.

Pros:

Kill Germs! Petitgrain can be used to fight off bacteria that pose a risk of sepsis in people. It inhibits bacterial growth and can be safely applied externally with a carrier oil.

Reduce Spasms! Sometimes we cough, cramp up, or twitch for no reason. Petitgrain can help with that. This oil relaxes the body and soothes those twitchy, nervous muscles.

Reduce Anxiety! Petitgrain Essential Oil can be diffused or added to the bathtub to fight depression, anxiety, stress, anger, and fear. It can also be added to an anti-insomnia blend to promote peaceful sleep.

Use it as a deodorant! Most orange-related Essential Oils can be used to deodorize a room or a person, but Petitgrain’s a powerhouse for this. It also curbs the growth of bacteria that feed off sweat and warm body parts.

Cons:

If you take any of the below medications, do not use Petitgrain Essential Oil:

Medications for Depression (MAOIs) such as phenelzine (Nardil), tranylcypromine (Parnate), and others.

Midazolam (Versed)

If you take any of the below medications, exercise caution with Petitgrain Essential Oil:

Caffeine (Excedrin, Anacin, Vivarin, etc.)

Dextromethorphan (Robitussin DM, etc.)

Felodipine (Plendil)

Indinavir (Crixivan)

Medications changed by the liver (Cytochrome P450 3A4 (CYP3A4) substrates) such as Lovastatin (Mevacor), Ketoconazole (Nizoral), Itraconazole (Sporanox), Fexofenadine (Allegra), Triazolam (Halcion), etc.

Medications that can cause an irregular heartbeat (QT interval-prolonging drugs) such as Amiodarone (Cordarone), Disopyramide (Norpace), Dofetilide (Tikosyn), Ibutilide (Corvert), Procainamide (Pronestyl), Quinidine, Sotalol (Betapace), Thioridazine (Mellaril), etc.

Simulants such as Diethylpropion (Tenuate), Epinephrine, Phentermine (Ionamin), Pseudoephedrine (Sudafed), etc.

Mandarin Essential Oil

Mandarin is a type of orange and is one of the most popular essential oils to use with children. You know its scent: it smells just like a ripe Mandarin orange and makes your mouth water almost immediately!

Pros:

Early research suggests that eating mandarin oranges and diffusing its oil on the regular is linked to a lower risk of a cancer called nasopharyngeal carcinoma. This type of cancer affects the nasal passageway connected to the throat.

Mandarin is an asthma-safe essential oil and is commonly used to safely deodorize and clean the air. The oil’s even generally safe for patients with lung cancer!

The smell of Mandarin causes the mouth to produce extra saliva and convinces your body that you’re hungry. It can ease indigestion and improve your appetite.

One of the other nice things about Mandarin (and its cousin oil, Tangerine) is that you can use it to calm down a child’s temper tantrums!

Cons: Like most other citrus oils, Mandarin Essential Oil increases your photosensitivity and the likelihood of developing sunburn when exposed to prolonged sunlight. Limit going outdoors or in direct sunlight if you’ve used this bath bomb over the last 12-24 hours.

Other than this, both Mandarin Essential Oil and Tangerine Essential Oil are considered safe and can even be used with small children.

Tangerine Essential Oil

Tangerine is a type of small orange and is one of the most popular essential oils to use with children. You know its scent: it smells just like a ripe tangerine and makes your mouth water almost immediately!

Pros:

Early research suggests that eating tangerines and diffusing its oil on the regular is linked to a lower risk of a cancer called nasopharyngeal     carcinoma. This type of cancer affects the nasal passageway connected to the throat.

Tangerine is an asthma-safe essential oil and is commonly used to safely deodorize and clean the air. The oil’s even generally safe for patients with lung cancer!

The smell of Tangerine causes the mouth to produce extra saliva and convinces your body that you’re hungry. It can ease indigestion and improve your appetite.

One of the other nice things about Tangerine (and its cousin oil, Mandarin) is that you can use it to calm down a child’s temper tantrums!

Cons: Like most other citrus oils, Tangerine Essential Oil increases your photosensitivity and the likelihood of developing sunburn when exposed to prolonged sunlight. Limit going outdoors or in direct sunlight if you’ve used this bath bomb over the last 12-24 hours.

Other than this, both Tangerine Essential Oil and Mandarin Essential Oil are considered safe and can even be used with small children.

Rosalina Essential Oil

Rosalina is a member of the Melaleuca genus (along with Niaouli, Cajeput, and Tea Tree) and shares some of the same properties as its cousins. It’s even referred to in Australia as the Lavender Tea Tree due to its smell.

While Tea Tree personally gives me migraines, I’ve had good luck with other Melaleuca plants and this one smells the nicest out of the whole bunch. It’s slightly lemony, slightly camphoraceous, and a tad sweet. Rosalina blends with a lot of things beautifully, and is one of the safest oils you can buy.

Pros:

Fight off a cold and congestion! Rosalina’s properties are similar to that of Eucalyptus. Out of the Melaleuca family, it’s the best choice for diffusing in a room if your child has a cold, respiratory infection, or the flu.

Calm your mind and relax! Rosalina has a chemical composition of about 2/5 linalool: one of the best chemicals for promoting a calming, relaxing atmosphere. I like to blend it with Blue Tansy and diffuse it at night to promote good sleep with a clear, unclogged airway. Linalool can also be used to tone and even out your complexion!

Clear your skin and fight off microbes! Like Tea Tree and its many cousins, Rosalina has antimicrobial (antibacterial, antifungal, and antiviral) properties. It’s a perfect choice for skin care and massage oils on sore muscles.

Cons:

Rosalina Essential Oil is considered to be universally safe and is one of the few essential oils considered safe for diffusing while pregnant or nursing. Plant Therapy also calls it a “KidSafe” oil, which means (when diluted with a carrier oil or in a bath tub) this oil is safe for use on children 5 and up. In fact, out of the Melaleuca essential oils, Rosalina is the safest to use with children.

The only word of caution for this essential oil is that you may want to perform a patch test and exercise some caution if you have experienced an allergic reaction to Tea Tree, Cajeput, Eucalyptus (Globulus or Radiata), Niaouli, or Fragonia. I’m lucky in this regard. Even though Tea Tree gives me migraines, Rosalina doesn’t.

Lavender Essential Oil

Pros: Lavender is one of your best friends when it comes to restlessness, insomnia, anxiety, and depression. It’s also great for loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, gas, and a fussy stomach. It’s also remarkable for pain relief in cases where you’re troubled by migraines, toothaches, sprains, nerve pain, and joint pain.

Some folks even apply Lavender Essential Oil to the skin for hair loss and pain.

Cons:

Lavender has also been shown to slow down the central nervous system when used on the regular. If you plan to go under for surgery or anything else with anesthesia, please avoid using Lavender Essential Oil two weeks ahead of the scheduled procedure.

Lavender should not be used by prepubescent and pubescent boys, as it can warp certain hormonal reactions and greatly increase risk for gynecomastia (male breast growth).

If you are taking a sedative, adding Lavender Essential Oil to the mix may create too much drowsiness. Exercise caution!

[itsbenedict]

nonanalogue: Hey, yo, do you have a second?

itsbenedict:

nonanalogue- "I should probably, like... message you more with things that aren't Dunkables (tm)

so as to lower the amount of suspicion when you see a message from me"

itsbenedict: but yeah, i've got a second

itsbenedict: what's up

nonanalogue: I wanted to know if you'd ever played Ori and the Blind Forest?

itsbenedict: i haven't, no

itsbenedict: what's it about

nonanalogue: So understand I haven't played it either, but from what I understand it's about a spirit and its spirit friend that have to save the world. Metroidvania.

nonanalogue: The reason I bring it up is because I regularly binge on The Cutting Room Floor articles.

nonanalogue: Are you familiar with TCRF?

itsbenedict: not that either, i'm afraid

itsbenedict: i'm 0 for 2

itsbenedict: which i guess is good protection if this is a pun setup

nonanalogue: Lord. Okay. That website I bet you'd be a fan of. It's a giant catalog of unused content in video games.

nonanalogue: Like, seriously, check it out later, you'll really dig it.

nonanalogue: Anyway - so I was looking through articles I hadn't read yet and ended up on Ori and the Blind Forest.

nonanalogue: And they had details on this absolutely wild cut sidequest.

nonanalogue: Do you mind if I go into more detail? Because it's something else.

itsbenedict: i'm sure it is

itsbenedict: and i'm sure none of it is made up

itsbenedict: as part of a nefarious scheme

itsbenedict: continue!

nonanalogue: So we're in agreement.

nonanalogue: Anyway, so the main characters, like I said, are these two spirits. Main character is Ori, their sidekick is Sein.

nonanalogue: Ori ends up getting shrunk to the size of a coin, which becomes useful when they have to use said coin to cross the water - like a surfboard.

nonanalogue: Sein, on the other hand, strays from their normal Spirit Flame powers and uses Spirit Fruits.

nonanalogue: Very tropical theme.

nonanalogue: So with the coin and the spirit fruits, and a third partner they pick up who's an old-school Roman type guy,

nonanalogue: they have to release a bunch of mythical creatures from the spirit world, ushering in a new era of prosperity for them.

nonanalogue: Isn't that wicked?

itsbenedict: oh god

itsbenedict: this is going to be some Pearls Before Swine tier shit

nonanalogue: I dunno what you're talking about -

itsbenedict: anyway sure it sounds wicked and extremely real

nonanalogue: it's just: the cent Ori's on, Sein (durian), centurion: centaur eon.

itsbenedict: aUGH

itsbenedict: that's

itsbenedict: that's disgusting is what that is

itsbenedict: you oughta be ashamed of yourself

nonanalogue: Way ahead of you!

nonanalogue: I figured you'd say something like that, so I got a jump on the 'feeling shame' bit.

itsbenedict: i guess you didn't need to warn me, because it telegraphed itself pretty hard

itsbenedict: you coulda sent some kind of signal- maybe morse code with a flashing ray of light

itsbenedict: should've sent a ray on

nonanalogue: Beautiful.

nonanalogue: That's so bad.

nonanalogue: You oughta be tarred and feathered for that sin. Sin tar, yon.

itsbenedict: god, fuck

itsbenedict: that gets an A for effort

itsbenedict: stamped right in the middle of the assignment

itsbenedict: center A on

nonanalogue: Yes! Yes! Excellent! The spirit of this series burns like fire! Or electricity! Cinder/ion!

itsbenedict: christ that's bad

itsbenedict: i'm gonna have to mail it to my enemies

itsbenedict: but maybe have my friend do the mailing for me so it can't be traced back to me

itsbenedict: sender: Ian

nonanalogue: Ah, for that, I'm gonna re-mail something back - one of my favorite Japanese animes.

nonanalogue: Sent: Yuri On.

nonanalogue: (ice.)

itsbenedict: ffffshut the fuck off

itsbenedict: you need to go to church

itsbenedict: and fast

itsbenedict: sinned! hurry in!

nonanalogue: *Italian chef kissing fingers gesture*

nonanalogue: Say, speaking of,

nonanalogue: you know what I hate in my Italian food?

nonanalogue: Sand, urine.

itsbenedict: ugh, is that the best you can do?

itsbenedict: boring

itsbenedict: that'll make me yawn for a REAL long time

itsbenedict: a century yawn

nonanalogue: You know what made me yawn for a real long time? I got an email from this big guy with a beard at a mall about my order for a new overhang for my porch.

nonanalogue: From Santa, re: awn.

itsbenedict: countless millennia in the future, historians found the dessicated corpse of jocey nonanalogue sitting in her chair, waiting for a response that would never come

itsbenedict: years of sunlight had baked her corpse into a mummy, preserving it for all that time

itsbenedict: she sunned her eon

nonanalogue: Did you intentionally wait a while to send that one? Kudos.

itsbenedict: no, that was a product of a simple fact

itsbenedict: that i am completely fucking out of material now

itsbenedict: and if you can counter it, i'll have to cry uncle

itsbenedict: i'm setting a five minute timer, by the way

nonanalogue: Nah, that sounds pretty sane there, eh, on top of all that.

itsbenedict: well, fuck, if you can bring in the "th", that changes the game

itsbenedict: you got some theory on how THAT shit is allowed

nonanalogue: Nah, see, it's with the regional accent. Sane dere, eh, on...

nonanalogue: But if you think I might be fishing a bit too much with that,

nonanalogue: maybe I'll use something different.

nonanalogue: A seine? Dare I? On with it!

itsbenedict: god damn it

itsbenedict: all my efforts are wasted

itsbenedict: just like on Buffy

itsbenedict: when Xander, 'e un-did everyone's hard work in that one episode

nonanalogue: I applaud that. You know the waveform of applause? I like the one that also represents constellations-

nonanalogue: Sine d'Orion.

itsbenedict: god, this is going to go on forever

itsbenedict: i'm going to have to pass it to my kids

itsbenedict: i can't be too pushy about it, though- they need to have time to relax between bouts

itsbenedict: "son, tarry on"

nonanalogue: I'm not having any kids. Just gonna spend my golden years in California. Gotta get my Santa Rey on.

itsbenedict: you already used santa, you-

itsbenedict: no, i can do this

itsbenedict: the pressure's on

itsbenedict: so much pressure

itsbenedict: so much pressure it'll compress ore into japanese currency

itsbenedict: sinter a yen

nonanalogue: You know what you'd say to someone who did that, maybe to convince them to hire someone from Myanmar? Treasurer-san, try Ohn.

nonanalogue: (Also you reused eon. :P)

itsbenedict: what, when

nonanalogue: Eon was literally the first thing I came at you with! Centaur eon.

itsbenedict: fuck

itsbenedict: okay, um

nonanalogue: So I'll call it square!

itsbenedict: this is making me feel that one feeling, that fuckin made-up word that only shows up in that one tumblr post about really specific words that are probably fake

itsbenedict: making me realize that everyone has a complex inner life that they aren't spending making godawful puns

itsbenedict: sonder-y, in this case

nonanalogue: Well done! That one didn't stink at all! The Scent Area Involved here is small.

itsbenedict: you're cutting it real close with those syllables

itsbenedict: but fuck, i'm coming to my limit

itsbenedict: my breaking point

itsbenedict: you're gonna sunder i, on this day

itsbenedict: (fuck, really good extra one that reuses a thing from earlier- "elles sont d'orion" with some bullshit hunting metaphor)

itsbenedict: (but that doesn't count)

nonanalogue: Nah, man, I wouldn't do that to you. If I'm gonna wear someone down or grind them to dust, I'd rather sander Ian.

nonanalogue: (it IS good)

itsbenedict: ALREADY USED IAN, TRY AGAIN

itsbenedict: 2:10 remaining

nonanalogue: Sander Eoin.

itsbenedict: fuck

nonanalogue: Is what I meant by that typo.

itsbenedict: that's a low blow

itsbenedict: man i can't believe that nazi guy is surprised about the warrant out for his arrest

itsbenedict: "how could the law come after ME, an innocent Aryan?"

itsbenedict: (also regardless of whether you get this next one in time, i have to go do a thing and this has taken up too much time already)

nonanalogue: Yeah, he should head over to some of the islands near Russia, where he could escape. His steps: Saunter, Ayon.

itsbenedict: (so this is for all the beansFUCK

nonanalogue: 👌

itsbenedict: fucking *ayon*

itsbenedict: ugh

itsbenedict: you win this round

itsbenedict: or more accurately, no one wins this round

nonanalogue: I accept your graceful concession and apologize for taking up so much time!

itsbenedict: there is nothing graceful about this concession

itsbenedict: it is a bitter, spiteful concession

nonanalogue: I take what I can get.

[impandagrl]

Four Fandoms

I was challenged to post four of my favorite fandoms and why I love them by @whovian1077. Thank you; this should be fun! Not gonna lie; I’m probably gonna cheat a little. I’m not good at picking my favorite out of things I love. Also, these will be in no particular order.

1) Star Wars-

All the movies (yes, even that one; that one too) and basically all the books (I can’t say I’ve read all of them, but I’ve read a substantial number)

Favorite Characters- Obi-wan, Han and Chewie, Leia, R2, Chirrut, Jyn, Cassian, K2, Rey

Favorite Quotes- Obiwan has some great ones that I quote all the time (Good job; That’s why I’m here; You want to go home and rethink your life), but they’re mostly in the dry delivery. The majority of K2’s dialogue. Leia-”I’d rather kiss a wookie,“ Han-“That can be arranged; he could use a good kiss!”

How long I’ve been a fan- From the first moment I watched Episode IV I was hooked. I’d say I was probably 12-13.

Why I love it- I love how everything feels like it has its own deeper story. Each planet has customs, language, people. You can fall in love with characters that are on screen for a couple minutes tops (do not get me started talking about Zett Jukassa). The expanded universe is basically a bunch of books full of fanfic that was published. I wrote so many stories myself in my early teens that took place in the star wars universe. I made my own planets and wrote and drew about the inhabitants. I will always love Star Wars.

2) Joss Whedon

Okay, I warned you I was going to cheat. Because of this great man, I get to include the Marvel movies (yes, I’m aware he wasn’t responsible for all of them, but like I said, I’m cheating!) and Agents of Shield, Firefly, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Dr Horrible’s Sing Along Blog as one entry.

Favorite Characters- Iron Man, Captain America, Coulson, Hawkeye, Fitz, Star Lord, Buffy, Willow, Spike, Xander, Zoe, Kaylee, Mal, Wash, Inara, Dr. Horrible, Penny (this was still hard; I feel like I betrayed everyone I left off this list)

Favorite Quotes- Oh, jeeze! “I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you,” “Out. For. A. Walk.- … Bitch.” “It’s a brand new day and the sun is high/All the birds are singin’ that you’re gonna die,“ “B:I wanna be an achiever, like Bad Horse; P:The Thoroughbred of Sin?; B:I meant ‘Ghandi’,” Most of the lines …  

How long I’ve been a fan- I want to say 10 years or so?

Why I love it- They are funny and clever, but also sad and real. The characters are amazing and believable. The dialogue is incredible 

3) Supernatural

Favorite Characters- Sam and Dean, Bobby, Charlie, Cas, Benny, Jody, Donna, Pamela, Crowley, Ellen, Jo, Kevin, Bela, Lisa (shut up), Ruby (both incarnations), Baby

Favorite Quotes- Really? “I think I’m adorable,“ “Fight the fairies,” “Hey, I am your flesh and blood brother … believe in that, believe me … make it your stone number one and build on it,” “Do I look like a ditchable prom date to you?” “It’s okay, boy, that’s why I’m here,” “Don’t ask stupid questions,” “Urination. I understand.” “Dean, always with the scissors!” “No, I’m kidding because clowns are really funny to me,” etc.

How long I’ve been a fan- Since July 3rd, 2016. I was planning on casually watching the first season to satisfy my curiosity and take a much needed break from job and school stress. I was watching the first episode. Dean did something or said something or looked something idk and I said, “I’m in trouble.” Then Sam said/did something and I said, “I think I may have made a terrible mistake.” I was right.

Why I love it- I love so many things about this show, but it all comes down to Sam and Dean. I could tell right from the pilot that these were well done, complex, characters that were also well-casted. Individually, I would have fallen in love with either of them. Together, with the dynamics of their brother relationship, I just don’t see myself getting tired of it. Combine it with the incredible acting ability that only seems to get better (how?), the fantastic side characters, the amazing/crazy fandom, and the actors’ relationship with each other and the fans …  well, I’m just glad I didn’t know when I popped in that first dvd: I probably would have been too scared to sign on for 13 seasons (wow, that’s a lot of emotional trauma)

4) The Chronicles of Narnia

The 7 Books by C.S Lewis. The most recent movies were okay. I watched an old BBC rendition once that was equal parts good and terrible.

Favorite Characters- Lucy, Edmund, Mr. Tumnus, Reepicheep, Shasta, Bree, Hwin, Aravis, Puddleglum, Prince Tirian, Jewel, The Professor, Strawberry -ah, who am I kidding: Peter, Jill, Eustace, Caspian, Susan, and Aslan of course

Favorite Quotes- “(Edmund:)Girls aren’t very good at keeping maps in their brains, (Lucy:)That’s because we’ve got something in them.” “(Narrator:)Edmund or Lucy or you would have recognized it at once, but Eustace had read none of the right books … He never said the word Dragon to himself. Nor would it have made things any better if he had.” “(Aslan:)Courage, dear heart” “(Puddleglum:)I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia,”

How long I’ve been a fan- I believe I was 13 when I first read them

Why I love it- I loved the magic, the adventure, the fact that ordinary kids became heroes. The humor. The love and sacrifice. The Narrator. Lewis’ incredible ability to tell a good story.

Honorable Mentions

Anything by Tolkien or Cornelia Funke, Criminal Minds, Pirates of the Caribbean, House (the show with Hugh Laurie), Anything by Ted Dekker, Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events (the books; I liked the movie, haven’t seen the show), Harry Potter, Psyche, The Mentalist, Justified, Being Human-not the bbc version though I saw the first season and found it funny, Person of Interest, Teen Wolf (I’m hopelessly behind on some of these shows), The Walking Dead (fell behind on that too- no spoilers, please!), Pushing Daisies (thanks to @seenashwrite, I’m almost done and I LOVE it!)

[hgfstreamchats]

The Grinch

This week, I have no option for inputting audio. I'm sure this was some attempt to streamline the features in only the best of intentions that went horribly awry. Or, they don't know their hands from their asses. either/or AND OF COURSE THE SHINY NEW ALTERNATIVE IS DOWN. Bah. Naturally We could... watch with subtitles? That's no fun. Let me restart and if that doesn't work, we'll fall back on watch2together or one of the other options nobody likes. Hooray! ...Well, I'm livid! There, there. SOMEthing will work. We could try... sharetube?  I've only just heard about that one, not tried it Oh, doesn't seem to work... What did we do between rabbit and kast? I remember we tried a whole slew of options. I mean it seems to sort of half-work but I can't seem to get specific videos Yeah, but none of them seemed to quite work.  There was one that wanted us to download something and I think one that wouldn't play anything Wait. Let me try one more thing. SUCCESS! Fingers crossed, everyone... WOO AHA Oh man The Dragon Prince is so good it IS, I'm not caught up on it though just the first season It just gets better Time to reward ourselves with some well earned this. YES Yes! That 'extended cut' caught my attention I admit Classic. A normal interaction! spoof? let's watch that! I'm sure it would have continued to be perfectly normal had the parents not walked in It was at the top of the list on the video page Oh my god a;sdjfldjfsl At first I thought this was a redub, but THIS one however is my favorite, personally. Wow ASDL;JFDLDSFKJ; *eyebrows* I like the subtlety Likewise! Quick and to the point. Is there another window open? I keep hearing more sounds and someone's voice Better? Hrn no audio at all now THERE we go Wonderful! You know, I think just having snowballs made FOR you misses the point ...So did HE put up all those signs, or did they At least the dog seems happy in this one Man, this song is terrible Much happier than Halloween Max. psh mold spice I like that he took the time to garnish his depression spaghetti. And light candles. gotta take a self care day awwww Hahhaha I think this officially counts as assault Following him around to make his ears bleed Gosh, I wonder why he doesn't like christmas!  It must be because there's something wrong with him and not because they're all very annoying He's within his full rights to defend himself Ewwwww He's fully justified in stabbing at least three of them. If you want to help your mother, sit down and eat your eggs. "Sorry I struck you in the skull at 20 miles per hour." hahahah just visit santa in person, like in that other movie! okay okay the timing of that with 'DECK' the halls was hilarious I admit It was very cute. That is a nice cave though It's nicer than any of the Who homes. spacious, good ventalation, Giant crystals growing out of the bathroom walls. Could use some carpet, but I'm sorry but why does he have a banquet table for 30 people space, so he can make max sit on the opposite end can't risk any semblence of closeness He likes to feel fancy. Look at him, he's having fun awww oh my gosh a little picture of them Oh my god "It's 3000 years old and now it's dead!" That tree was probably like 800 years old lololol But hey!  Who cares, as long as they get to have it dying in the town square for a month And not even that, since it's four days before Christmas. I bet her wish is for her mom to meet someone For the month of January, they find a seven story whale and drop it in the center of town to slowly dehydrate. Ooh a turtle kid's got good taste honey no That's just insult tin injury Hello there, extremely realistic depiction of a panic attack. Yyyup yeah that is something Wait so he used to live here Why is he the only... whatever his species is so lemme get this straight The only one in the area, at least. the entire community is close and tight-knit and involves everyone with everything for the holidays but the completely isolate the orphanage from joining any festivities?? Except him, because... he's an orphan?  Because he's green? Yeah that is fucked Was he the only orphan in the place? Did he just slip off into the mountains and they wrote it off as an acceptable amount of orphans to lose? this revelation is horrifying So he was like... a small child when he went off to live by himself as a hermit he's completely justified in being bitter And Max is his little service dog. oh god I did NOT need to see that How does he get all this stuff, is he rich Does he steal it Probably. Sit. And eat. Your food. She really just lets her daughter do whatever huh And don't put batter down the sink. ...Are they planning to come back that way EAT THE FOOD YOUR MOTHER GIVES YOU. Wait how come their treehouse has electricity I'm sure she works the night shift so her daughter can give away her breakfast. No you don't Did he make the hat just for this occasion? uh the... This very, very specific occasion? So he wants to summon HORNY reindeer ... the MATING call? You're going to get a reindeer charging at you, spike a-flapping. Skifree! TRAP these kids are vicious Did...did they just admit to stealing 16 dollars from her mother's suitcase? I think so oh yeah, THAT'S what's happening, your dog is delivering cakes Uh I like how everything is striped. Aww. awwww, let him have f--actually sausages might have stuff in them that'd poison a dog, so good call there I'm sure he gets plenty of poison-free sausages. He seems infinitely more loved than any of the other Maxes. the audio and video out of sync for anyone else? I'm glad Yeah. oh it stopped? Actually, it seems okay today (The yeah was to Max being more loved) What did they THINK would happen omg omg CUTE I did NOT like the sensual way he grazed his finger along the paint job he SPECIFICALLY MADE a little sidecar for Mx, that's adorable Between this and the reindeer mating call... I like the implication that max can read english Maybe he MAKES all the stuff he has I want a movie about the man with a bird on a leash. I feel like this movie is careening towards her and the grinch getting together oh god please no Absolutey not. Bet you a dollar. nO Figuratively speaking. I *need* to see that dog robbing houses. Oh, he's actually staying outside. somebody's gotta play look-out Why so many stockings, how many people LIVE there Is--is Max in his little drone thing hahahah I love how this is supposed to based on the book but they're barely using any of the prose at all the original prose He totally brought this on himself "It's very drugged." "we'll just skip this house" That was a lot of night shifts' worth of stuff. But ah, well. Yes because I'm certain everyone would just shrug this off like nothing Right? I appreciate that they kept it metaphorical. It's not literal -- it's how experiencing something profound feels. I hope that's not the reindeer mating call horn gussied up oh god "hoo boy, didn't plan this out" "I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas but here's a stampede of urine soaked, sex-starved reindeer.\" AS;LDKJF awwwww now RUN Night I swear to GOD if this goes in the direction of him and the mom hooking up I'm personally blaming YOU for cursing it into existence Hhaahhaha There's no way this wasn't created by an entire crew full of humans who all suffer from crippling anxiety disorders. Hang on, are they ALL furry and he just dyes himself aparently He's the equivalent of a middle aged human wearing flesh toned, skintight pants and absolutely nothing else. and a tie I wasn't goin gto say it don't forget the tie And a tie. That seems like a small roast for all those guests. They have other dishes, though sooooooo Nothing actually solved the mom's problems huh I guess not? Oh, that's where the credits come in. Which...doesn't count, really, but still. oh THERE we go Oh hey! Cute. And they didn't get together! although it wasn't part of the story sooooo well that was certainly a thing Pretty good A fun movie :) It's a very gentle movie. As is this. well I'd love to stay but I've been putting off getting dinner started for too long Enjoy the short/rest of your night, guys! Enjoy your food! Thanks for the stream, Knock Out! Say hi to Breakdown and Impact for me! Of course! WOW, rude! How dare he be mean to Max Unforgiveable! Well, that's all the Grinch content I've got! Max is the best character and the best dog. Without question! Thank you for coming -- I've been looking forward to this one since last year! Hmmm... You know, I have a suggestion for a future movie :) :) :) Shoot! You'd love it!  It's all about racing!  It's called "Turbo". *snicker* It looks horrid. We'll ring in the new year with it! Horridly amazing, I'm sure! Clearly! Anyway--thank you for hosting.  It's been a blast! Glad to hear it! Thank you for coming! Goodnight! Goodnight!

[braindamageforbeginners]

Intermezzo: Free Solo Review

Pre-Cycle 11

So, first of all, for anyone wondering, I did get the go ahead from the warlocks on Tuesday to continue with treatment through Cycle 12 (assuming my blood tests come back okay), which is great news. And I’d normally write about that and how awesome it is (Hooray! More chemo!), but it’s been such a long, weird, event-filled week even by my standards (my car got hit by lightning)(that’s a dramatic exaggeration, but, like everything else in my life, far less of one than I’d like), that instead, I thought I’d review the fantastic (and - for me - utterly terrifying) film “Free Solo.” Also, that’ll enable me to put off trying to figure out my upcoming chemo schedule, which is somewhat less-predictable than others (I’d have to come in on Christmas Eve or Christmas according to my current estimate, which seems a little ghoulish even for me).

A bit of background. Even though I like rock climbers and have many friends and family in that group, and even though I have nothing but love for them, their utterly terrifying sport isn’t for me (and thanks to them for putting up with me long enough for me to figure that one out). Full confession; I’m not only psychologically unfit for it, I’m physically not a good candidate. Even putting my neurological issues aside (unreliable left leg, vertigo)(those are the lasting impacts of neurosurgery #3 and #2, respectively), I’m terrified of heights. And with good reason - I’m about 182 cm tall and 100 kg; if I fall, it’s a much bigger problem than if someone smaller/closer to the ground and lighter does. And I’m about 85% torso, by height. So, why would I see a film about a sport that frightens me? Simply put, Alex Honnold, who is possibly the world’s premier greatest living rock climber.

Many, many, many years ago, someone pointed out to me that everyone’s heard of LeBron James, or Colin Kaepernick; fewer people have heard of Royal Robbins (or Kelly Slater, for that matter), largely because the latter two exist in a weird sub-culture of extreme sports that’s not as profitable or plugged in to pop culture as main-stream sports (I’ve only heard of Honnold because I’m a big fan of the Banff Film Festival). So, one of the world’s most niche-sports-figure getting a film - even if it’s not in wide release - is really cool. Again, it means society, as a whole, is opening up to non-traditional people, and sports, and stories. Which, as a now non-traditional person (again, traditionally, people like me die within two years of diagnosis, and that annoying new gimp/cripple physical aspect makes life a lot less accessible than I’d prefer), is cool, and, more importantly, as a storyteller, it means more, different, and better stories.

The story of “Free Solo” is pretty straight-forward. A man works his whole life to perfect his craft, and then, at the height of his talent, decides to gamble it on a potentially lethal career high-point. Wait, what? Most rock climbers - and certainly my sub-par, failed attempts - use various safety equipment and climb with buddies and do other things to minimize risk. The downside is both minimized risk, and, from my limited understanding, some of these safety devices permanently “hurt” (or pierce, anyway) the rock. “Free solo” climbing eschews such devices, or, indeed, a sense of self-preservation. Says the guy who’s letting science use him as a lab rat for a poisonous substance. Again, when you’re desperate, you make odd choices. However, like me, A. Honnold points out that most free-solo rock climbs are calculated risks (to paraphrase him, “The odds of me actually falling are low, but if that happens, the odds of something really, really bad happening are high.”). Which brings us to El Capitain, the Everest of the climbing world. As I may have mentioned previously, this is the Holy Grail of climbing. If you ever go to Yosemite Valley in Yosemite National Park (and I recommend you do this before you die), you will not be able to miss El Cap. If you’re like me, you might even have to go lie down for a few minutes just looking at up at it (it’s terrifying even from ground level). Even though it’s been climbed by blind, deaf, and physically disabled people (it’s a long story; there’s an old Yosemite joke that El Cap is handicap-accessible), it has never been climbed (clumb? someone help me with these conjugations) without safety devices. Enter Mr. Honnold, stage right, and the codependent National Geographic film crew. To make a long story short, he climbs the mountain and survives, with the support of both the film-makers and his long-suffering girlfriend. Hooray.

The reason this film is worth seeing - and why I’m reviewing it - is that, for all that, it’s a very weird film (it’s a really good film, but it’s weird). First of all, the camera and framing devices need a little description. In every scene or shot of El Cap, it not only dominates everything around it, but they use some cool VFX devices at various points to show Yosemite valley shifting and swinging around El Cap. Which made me grip my seat rests, but also gave an interesting insight into how Yosemite is absolutely dominated by these staggeringly massive walls on all sides. Secondly, this is - as far as I know - the only character study of A. Honnold on file in video form. Even though he’s been prominently featured in the Banff Film Festival and other places, they don’t give a real sense of who he is - he’s just a sort of stand-in rock climber fantasy figure; a James Bond of the rock climbing world - in all the other films I’ve seen, he goes somewhere and climbs something impressive; there’s not a whole lot revealed except he likes to climb. And he’s pretty much fearless - according to a little background research (yes, I do read about my subjects before tackling them), Honnold isn’t known for being the most technically-proficient or skilled climber, but he is known for taking on risks and challenges that no one else in the climbing world does.  Qui audet adipiscitur and all that. This film delves a little more into that, actually following him into an fMRI (one of those specialized MRIs that shows which parts of the brain “light up” during various tasks and images. The science-person in me would point out that this test is so overly sensitive, it should be taken with a grain of salt (my favorite research poster of all time was one that used fMRI analysis to show which images a dead salmon prefers)(you read that correctly). However, in this case, it showed that Honnold’s fear threshold/tolerance was much, much higher than usual. The film also looks at what that looks like in a relationship, as they also follow Honnold’s girlfriend, Sanni McCandless, for some of it. In retrospect, she’s probably the real hero of the film, because she fully supports him in his near-suicidal ambitions. There’s also the weird aspect about how the world’s most recklessly brave climber gets... stage fright. The film actually documents this very well, about how Honnold doesn’t seem up to the task when everyone’s around, watching him; and it takes a series of hidden cameras and a tactical retreat by McCandless to force him up the wall. As someone who has, ah, “performance issues” when it comes to urine samples (I’d imagine that after a year of those, it wouldn’t be a big issue, like the IVs and neuralgia bother me less, but we all have our idiosyncrasies - I intend to ask the chemo ward to quietly move to a different floor next time), I weirdly get it. And I also sort of weirdly get how, in an extreme situation, sometimes the riskier, more outrageous path is also the safer one. Having said that, I still have to give the man props for a following through on a near-psychotic ambition and seeing it through.

ANYWAY… WEIGHT: 96 kilos CONCENTRATION: Not bad, but I’m also exhausted from a week of travel and holidays. Which reminds me, if I make it out of this alive, I intend to start hibernating from Nov.15-Dec, 25, which should make this sort of holiday seasonal travel a little easier. APPETITE: Good. I’m even starting to appreciate “fun” things, like non-vegetable or protein-based foodstuffs. I imagine that’ll definitely decrease as I get back into the grind and find my willpower renewed with... well, the same willpower that allows me to swallow pills that come in “biohazard” bags. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Good, but I’m still exhausted. SLEEP QUALITY: Okay. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Excellent; I even went to the gym yesterday without braces. MEMORY: Not bad, I still have trouble forgetting to complete long or multi-step tasks, but that’s hardly new.. PHYSICAL: Overall, not too bad. At the moment, I’m mostly tired, sore, a little cold, and hungry, which - if you haven’t had peripheral nerve damage or chemo-induced panic-attacks, might seem bad, but to have normal, every day physical complaints instead of my usual, hyper-bizarre ones... well, it’s deeply comforting, in an odd, slightly-masochistic way. EMOTIONAL: Good. I realize I just got a clean scan on Monday - I had to wait until Tuesday to review the findings, though - and after 24 hours of that sort of frenzied anxiety, the volume on standard emotional issues gets muted. SIDE EFFECTS: Tired. So tired. Which reminds me, based on my records, I’m pretty sure my limp’s tied into exhaustion/fatigue issues. Which gives me hope that, after the next two cycles (and possibly a six-month nap to catch up on my sleep) I might get something like consistent progress fixing that complaint.  CURRENTLY READING (For Donna): “A Monster Calls.” 

[argielloyd]

CTTO Laftrip

And BEFORE you bother me, these are my subtexts on the following profile declarations:

1. STRAIGHT ACTING = The entire planet knows he's gay, 'cept him! Severely in denial; has goatee. Likes boys and callboys alike and uses Aficionado perfume.

2. GYM BODY = Does nothing the whole day but cruise inside the gym and the showers. Longest relationship was with a dumbbell.

3. BUFFED = Steroid-induced pecs and abs. Knows all sources of fake protein. Favorite word: "Dude!" (Pronounced as “Dod”)

4. NO EFFEMS = Thinks that having a relationship with someone effeminate makes him a lesbian.

5. SEVEN-INCH DICK = Asus. In reality, it's just 5 inches! In gay inches, you always add two more inches to everything you measure.

6. YM ME = Jealous type. Does not like competition in chatrooms.

7. I'M NOT EASY TO GET = Desperate but trying to sound choosy.

8. I'M HERE FOR SEX = I'm here for sex. Period.

9. HANDSOME GUYS ONLY = “I am a shallow dork and I have a brain the size of a walnut. Did I mention even my dog hates me?”

10. JUST HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS = Did not make any friends in FaceBook and in life. Was kicked out of Dogster because they found out he does not have a dog.

11. GOOD IN BED = Needs a place to crash in but cant afford a pension house. The things he does for a good night’s sleep.

12. WHAT'S YOUR PASSWORD? = “I'm so horny I want to jerk off now.” Cant afford a decent paysite so gets off with x-rated pics of members.

13. TOP = Has had more girl friends and zero boyfriends.

14. BOTTOM = Has very bad knee injury, or sleeps under your bed, literally.

15. I'M NICE = Dull, boring and has the personality of an ironing board or a wet mop!

16. I'M BAD = Just swallowed a dozen viagra pills. Has a tattoo, nipple ring and wears an ukay-ukay leather jacket during summer.

17. THIS GUY'S MAILBOX IS FULL = Won't check his inbox cause cant afford an hour's worth of internet café.

18. "WALA LANG" = Has a ten-word vocabulary which includes ���cool”,“hi”,“wassup”, “he he”, “ha ha” and “tnx.” Longest word he can write is his name.

19. I AM ATTACHED = Cannot mention the word love. Has commitment problems.

20. I LOVE TO TRAVEL = Looking for a sponsor for his next overseas trip. Always starts a sentence with "When I was in Europe..." Then you ask: "Where in Europe?" He says: "Ah... city proper!" Wow. Europe City.

21. IF YOU'RE NOT CUTE, DONT EVEN BOTHER = Lonely and miserable. Nobody takes care of him when he gets sick. Has 500 “friends” in Friendster and FaceBook cause he approves everyone--mostly strangers!

22. I AM SENSITIVE, LOVING, CARING AND HONEST = You are probably reading your mother's G4M account.

23. I GIVE GOOD MASSAGE/EXTRA SERVICE = A masseur who got suspended where he worked because he wears too much face foundation.

24. MY MOBILE NUMBER IS = read: "Tawagan mo ako, kasi wala akong load".

25. NO PIC, NO REPLY = Read this from someone else's profile and copied it. Doesnt know what PIC really is. Wanna bet?

26. DISCREET = Loves to hang-out in extremely dark places. Haven't even seen any of the faces of all the men he's had sex with. One of the few people who gets excited during blackouts.

27. HAIRY DADDY = Lots of chest hair but for some strange reason - head is bald.

28. CURIOUS STRAIGHT MALE = Can’t decide if he’s top or bottom. So decided to act lesbian instead . . .

29. A BODY PIC WITH NO HEAD = Shrimp. Or Wanted by the NBI. Or doesnt know how to take his own picture!!

30. KINKY = Owns collection of large Liwanag candles for November 2. Hides petroleum jelly under his bed. Ass is moist 24/7. Go figure.

31. SWIMMER’S BOD = Used to call himself gym-bod; now wants to sound catchy.

32. FLAWLESS COMPLEXION = Photoshop beauty. Blurred. Dodged. Liquified.

33. VIRGIN PA AKO = Chances are HE IS. Who in his right mind would be proud to be still a virgin?

34. VIEW MY WEBCAM = Frustrated Pinoy Big Brother contestant.

35. DON’T TEXT, CALL ME = Cant actually read your sms/txts..his Nokia 3210 LCD has obsolete spare parts! Tawagan niyo na lang, please lang.

36. I’M A SEX MACHINE = Disease carrier. Ouch!

38. QUIET AND SOFT-SPOKEN = Probably dead.

39. MACHO = Avid Masculados fan; join their mall tours. Uses WD-40 as lubricant.

40. BLANK PROFILE = Has no clue who he is, what he wants and where his life is going. Casted in JURASSIC WORLD.

42. MESSAGE ME = What he really wanted to say in tagalog was: "Gusto kong magpamasahe sa iyo." Typo error??

43. HOMEBODY = Unemployed guy. A bum. Free-loader. Professional home-partner contestant in Eat Bulaga, Wowowee and Game Ka Na Ba.

44. OUT-GOING PERSONALITY = No air-conditioning in his house. Pretends to be a mountaineer, hiker, biker, etc. Doesnt understand the word 'outgoing' and no 'personality' to match his claim. Gargoyle.

45. I DONT LIKE CASUAL SEX = Only has sex when in formal wear, like when he is in a Saya, or Barong Tagalog, for example.

46. LOOKING FOR A SOULMATE = A former member of Spirit Questors. Enjoys supernatural relationships. Cant handle the stress of the physical world.

47. I AM NOT HANDSOME = Take his word for it. He's being honest for chrissakes!

48. I'M HANDSOME, INTELLIGENT, GORGEOUS = Mister Perfect! -- with character/humility issues.

49. STUDENT = Has insatiable thirst for knowledge... and sex. But remember: STUDENT means TUITION FEE sponsorship.

50. I AM TISOY = Contact lenses from Tutuban, skin peeling by Maxipeel, hair color by Tsin Tsan Tsu and rhinoplasty from Ellen's. Speaks a little chabakano.

51. SHY TYPE = No serious love since birth.

52. I’M SENSIBLE = Can carry a simple conversation for 2 minutes. Beyond that he simply moans.

53. I’M A MAN OF THE WORLD = He wants to make it clear to everyone that, YES, he is from this planet.

54. I’M A REAL PERSON = People have often mistaken him for an ornamental plant in the past.

55. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET = He has no plans of changing for the better. He is completely content with himself. Little motivation in life.

56. I’M NOT JUST INTERESTED IN SEX = He uses PlanetRomeo to desperately advertise and sell you condos; Or asks you for Room For Rent referrals. Or recruit you--and balance--his (right/left) multilevel pyramid group. Works on commission basis.

57. LOOKING FOR BADMINTON BUDDIES = In search for the perfect shuttle COCK. He wants to SCORE big. On the look out for RACKET. And he really wants to SERVE.

58. BISEXUAL = A “top” with girls, a “bottom” with guys. And willing to 'buy' sex. Get it?

59. BOYTOY = It’s very clear that he wants everyone to know that he is young. And he has a toy. Now, Whether he is willing to share that toy is negotiable.

60. DOG-LOVER = A hot bitch who likes it dog-style. Loyal. Man’s best-friend. Pees everywhere. Doesn’t mind if you tie him up to a fence and urinate on his face.

61. YOU THINK I’M HOT? = He’s not really sure if he IS hot. Needs a second opinion. And a third. The fourth will probably convince him… that he is NOT.

62. NATURE-LOVER = Very kind to nature… considering what nature has done to him.

63. MALIBOG AKO = Masturbates five times a day. Has 80GB of pornography in his PC. Has the complete collection of phone scandal videos. Watches National Geographic just to see naked men hunting wild boar.

64. COWBOY = Has seen Brokeback Mountain too many times. He talks to his cigarette and says: “I wish I could quit you!”

65. I’M SIMPLE YET COMPLICATED = Uhm… this one really blows me. Probably manic depressive.

66. NO CROSS-DRESSERS = Doesn’t want to share his satin gowns.

67. DERETSO AKONG TAO = Has a very strong back. Drinks Anlene Gold regularly.

68. I DARE YOU TO SEE ME IN PERSON = Unfortunately, nobody dared.

69. COME AND GET ME = I am not so sure if this is an invitation, a request or a cry for help.

70. TYPICAL GUY = He has two arms, two legs, a nose, a pair of eyes… uh, what else. Oh yes, a penis. Typical.

71. SELF-MADE MAN = He appeared into this world just by his sheer power of thought.

72. CANDY BOY = Wants to be licked all over. Comes in three flavors: BAGONG LIGO, PAWISAN and LUMUSOB SA BAHA.

73. I AM SENSITIVE = Can sense an earthquake even before it happens. He is now being studied by scientists to warn the human race of future tsunamis.

74. I HAVE A WONDERFUL MIND = His temporal lobe, anterior commissure and medulla will give you a hard-on. Oh, yes… he has a pornographic memory.

75. I AM THE LIFE OF THE PARTY = A Boyoyong party clown. Brings his own make-up set and catalogue of Avon beauty products for demo purposes.

76. DECENT GUY = Wipes his feet before entering a massage parlor. Brushes his teeth after giving someone a blowjob. Says a little prayer before and after sex. Confesses regularly... on his knees.

77. OPEN-MINDED = His brain is everywhere except in his head. A perfect medium for séances.

78. COME OVER AND LET’S HAVE SEX = Thinks that Guys4Men/PlanetRomeo is a delivery service.

79. HOPELESS ROMANTIC = Believes that love is eternal. Easily trusts everyone. Gullible. Thinks Mike Arroyo is innocent.

80. I AM FUNNY = That fact that he has to say that he is funny is hilarious.

81. PURE TOP = Has a ten-picture exclusive contract with a porno film outfit which prevents him from being a bottom. Will only become a bottom when the 'right' project comes. Pure nga!

82. EXTREME TOP FOR EXTREME BOTTOMS ONLY = Will only have passionate sex with an Extreme Magic Sing microphone shoved up their asses while viewing the Amazing Race!

83. TRIPPER = Has a marijuana plantation in his backyard. Uses tie-dyed shirts, showers twice a month and responds to "Tsong." Does not a have a day job.

84. ASTIG 2 ASTIG LANG = A former seaman. Ideal places for sex: barracks, breakwater, inside a jail cell. Must have during sex: handcuffs, Purico cooking lard and a cd of Aegis.

85. NO TO CHUBS = Say what???? Take a hard look at YOURSELF, you idiot! What have you to offer?? GET A LIFE!

86. OPEN RELATIONSHIP = he doesn't get this: he swore by the gospel it means he is Open TO HAVE a Relationship.

87. I HAVE NO PLACE FOR FUN = evicted!!

[theinsidiousdice]

nonanalogue: Hey, yo, do you have a second?

itsbenedict:

nonanalogue- "I should probably, like... message you more with things that aren't Dunkables (tm)

so as to lower the amount of suspicion when you see a message from me"

itsbenedict: but yeah, i've got a second

itsbenedict: what's up

nonanalogue: I wanted to know if you'd ever played Ori and the Blind Forest?

itsbenedict: i haven't, no

itsbenedict: what's it about

nonanalogue: So understand I haven't played it either, but from what I understand it's about a spirit and its spirit friend that have to save the world. Metroidvania.

nonanalogue: The reason I bring it up is because I regularly binge on The Cutting Room Floor articles.

nonanalogue: Are you familiar with TCRF?

itsbenedict: not that either, i'm afraid

itsbenedict: i'm 0 for 2

itsbenedict: which i guess is good protection if this is a pun setup

nonanalogue: Lord. Okay. That website I bet you'd be a fan of. It's a giant catalog of unused content in video games.

nonanalogue: Like, seriously, check it out later, you'll really dig it.

nonanalogue: Anyway - so I was looking through articles I hadn't read yet and ended up on Ori and the Blind Forest.

nonanalogue: And they had details on this absolutely wild cut sidequest.

nonanalogue: Do you mind if I go into more detail? Because it's something else.

itsbenedict: i'm sure it is

itsbenedict: and i'm sure none of it is made up

itsbenedict: as part of a nefarious scheme

itsbenedict: continue!

nonanalogue: So we're in agreement.

nonanalogue: Anyway, so the main characters, like I said, are these two spirits. Main character is Ori, their sidekick is Sein.

nonanalogue: Ori ends up getting shrunk to the size of a coin, which becomes useful when they have to use said coin to cross the water - like a surfboard.

nonanalogue: Sein, on the other hand, strays from their normal Spirit Flame powers and uses Spirit Fruits.

nonanalogue: Very tropical theme.

nonanalogue: So with the coin and the spirit fruits, and a third partner they pick up who's an old-school Roman type guy,

nonanalogue: they have to release a bunch of mythical creatures from the spirit world, ushering in a new era of prosperity for them.

nonanalogue: Isn't that wicked?

itsbenedict: oh god

itsbenedict: this is going to be some Pearls Before Swine tier shit

nonanalogue: I dunno what you're talking about -

itsbenedict: anyway sure it sounds wicked and extremely real

nonanalogue: it's just: the cent Ori's on, Sein (durian), centurion: centaur eon.

itsbenedict: aUGH

itsbenedict: that's

itsbenedict: that's disgusting is what that is

itsbenedict: you oughta be ashamed of yourself

nonanalogue: Way ahead of you!

nonanalogue: I figured you'd say something like that, so I got a jump on the 'feeling shame' bit.

itsbenedict: i guess you didn't need to warn me, because it telegraphed itself pretty hard

itsbenedict: you coulda sent some kind of signal- maybe morse code with a flashing ray of light

itsbenedict: should've sent a ray on

nonanalogue: Beautiful.

nonanalogue: That's so bad.

nonanalogue: You oughta be tarred and feathered for that sin. Sin tar, yon.

itsbenedict: god, fuck

itsbenedict: that gets an A for effort

itsbenedict: stamped right in the middle of the assignment

itsbenedict: center A on

nonanalogue: Yes! Yes! Excellent! The spirit of this series burns like fire! Or electricity! Cinder/ion!

itsbenedict: christ that's bad

itsbenedict: i'm gonna have to mail it to my enemies

itsbenedict: but maybe have my friend do the mailing for me so it can't be traced back to me

itsbenedict: sender: Ian

nonanalogue: Ah, for that, I'm gonna re-mail something back - one of my favorite Japanese animes.

nonanalogue: Sent: Yuri On.

nonanalogue: (ice.)

itsbenedict: ffffshut the fuck off

itsbenedict: you need to go to church

itsbenedict: and fast

itsbenedict: sinned! hurry in!

nonanalogue: *Italian chef kissing fingers gesture*

nonanalogue: Say, speaking of,

nonanalogue: you know what I hate in my Italian food?

nonanalogue: Sand, urine.

itsbenedict: ugh, is that the best you can do?

itsbenedict: boring

itsbenedict: that'll make me yawn for a REAL long time

itsbenedict: a century yawn

nonanalogue: You know what made me yawn for a real long time? I got an email from this big guy with a beard at a mall about my order for a new overhang for my porch.

nonanalogue: From Santa, re: awn.

itsbenedict: countless millennia in the future, historians found the dessicated corpse of jocey nonanalogue sitting in her chair, waiting for a response that would never come

itsbenedict: years of sunlight had baked her corpse into a mummy, preserving it for all that time

itsbenedict: she sunned her eon

nonanalogue: Did you intentionally wait a while to send that one? Kudos.

itsbenedict: no, that was a product of a simple fact

itsbenedict: that i am completely fucking out of material now

itsbenedict: and if you can counter it, i'll have to cry uncle

itsbenedict: i'm setting a five minute timer, by the way

nonanalogue: Nah, that sounds pretty sane there, eh, on top of all that.

itsbenedict: well, fuck, if you can bring in the "th", that changes the game

itsbenedict: you got some theory on how THAT shit is allowed

nonanalogue: Nah, see, it's with the regional accent. Sane dere, eh, on...

nonanalogue: But if you think I might be fishing a bit too much with that,

nonanalogue: maybe I'll use something different.

nonanalogue: A seine? Dare I? On with it!

itsbenedict: god damn it

itsbenedict: all my efforts are wasted

itsbenedict: just like on Buffy

itsbenedict: when Xander, 'e un-did everyone's hard work in that one episode

nonanalogue: I applaud that. You know the waveform of applause? I like the one that also represents constellations-

nonanalogue: Sine d'Orion.

itsbenedict: god, this is going to go on forever

itsbenedict: i'm going to have to pass it to my kids

itsbenedict: i can't be too pushy about it, though- they need to have time to relax between bouts

itsbenedict: "son, tarry on"

nonanalogue: I'm not having any kids. Just gonna spend my golden years in California. Gotta get my Santa Rey on.

itsbenedict: you already used santa, you-

itsbenedict: no, i can do this

itsbenedict: the pressure's on

itsbenedict: so much pressure

itsbenedict: so much pressure it'll compress ore into japanese currency

itsbenedict: sinter a yen

nonanalogue: You know what you'd say to someone who did that, maybe to convince them to hire someone from Myanmar? Treasurer-san, try Ohn.

nonanalogue: (Also you reused eon. :P)

itsbenedict: what, when

nonanalogue: Eon was literally the first thing I came at you with! Centaur eon.

itsbenedict: fuck

itsbenedict: okay, um

nonanalogue: So I'll call it square!

itsbenedict: this is making me feel that one feeling, that fuckin made-up word that only shows up in that one tumblr post about really specific words that are probably fake

itsbenedict: making me realize that everyone has a complex inner life that they aren't spending making godawful puns

itsbenedict: sonder-y, in this case

nonanalogue: Well done! That one didn't stink at all! The Scent Area Involved here is small.

itsbenedict: you're cutting it real close with those syllables

itsbenedict: but fuck, i'm coming to my limit

itsbenedict: my breaking point

itsbenedict: you're gonna sunder i, on this day

itsbenedict: (fuck, really good extra one that reuses a thing from earlier- "elles sont d'orion" with some bullshit hunting metaphor)

itsbenedict: (but that doesn't count)

nonanalogue: Nah, man, I wouldn't do that to you. If I'm gonna wear someone down or grind them to dust, I'd rather sander Ian.

nonanalogue: (it IS good)

itsbenedict: ALREADY USED IAN, TRY AGAIN

itsbenedict: 2:10 remaining

nonanalogue: Sander Eoin.

itsbenedict: fuck

nonanalogue: Is what I meant by that typo.

itsbenedict: that's a low blow

itsbenedict: man i can't believe that nazi guy is surprised about the warrant out for his arrest

itsbenedict: "how could the law come after ME, an innocent Aryan?"

itsbenedict: (also regardless of whether you get this next one in time, i have to go do a thing and this has taken up too much time already)

nonanalogue: Yeah, he should head over to some of the islands near Russia, where he could escape. His steps: Saunter, Ayon.

itsbenedict: (so this is for all the beansFUCK

nonanalogue: 👌

itsbenedict: fucking *ayon*

itsbenedict: ugh

itsbenedict: you win this round

itsbenedict: or more accurately, no one wins this round

nonanalogue: I accept your graceful concession and apologize for taking up so much time!

itsbenedict: there is nothing graceful about this concession

itsbenedict: it is a bitter, spiteful concession

nonanalogue: I take what I can get.