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davidcarner · 7 years ago

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Aces, Charles Ch 10, The Ace of Spades

A/N: I'm about to take a short break (daughter on spring break) and I didn't want to leave anyone hanging, so this is the last chapter. This one has been fun, I truly appreciate all who have commented, either here, twitter, tumblr, DM, PM, or smoke signal. Thank you all for the support. It means a lot you enjoy my work. Anyone else notice I like a good Christmas chapter? I know I'm a sucker. For the last time, I give you Aces, Charles, Chapter 10, Ace of Spades.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, but if I did there would probably be 2 months' worth of Christmas episodes each season…

December 17th, 2004

Jenny pulled him over to the side, and started to say something when she caught the look in his eyes. She grinned and nodded a few times, he did the same. They were thinking the same thing. This could be over, by tomorrow, this could be over, and then….Jenny didn't want to think about that, because all it would accomplish would be to knock her off her game. There had been over 370 entrants to this tournament, and they had made it to the final last ten. They currently owed $736,000.00, and even if they were to bust out back to back, they'd knock that number down to $620,000.00. They were near the top in chips, 3rd, and 5th, and if they could actually finish that way, they'd be less than $90,000.00 from paying it off. If one of them could just come in second it was over, if they could both come in at least 3rd and 4th, it was over, and Jenny…she could move on with her life. She so wanted to. He'd propose at Christmas, she wanted him to. She knew he had the ring, and she knew what she'd told him that he couldn't, not until this was over, and right now she hated herself for it. She wanted to be engaged…no, she wanted to drag him to a chapel right now and marry him, and the look in his eye told her that he was pretty much in the same place.

"No pressure," he said with a grin. She shoulder bumped him, grinning. "You've done "the math" in your head too?" She nodded. He leaned in close. "How do you feel about a Vegas wedding tomorrow?"

"How do you feel about a Vegas honeymoon, tomorrow night?" she asked, turned, and walked away. His chin was on the floor.

"G-good," he stammered. She never looked back, as the grin threatened to break her face. "Real good!"

When play began they got super serious. They clashed in pots twice, the entire table watching in amusement. Neither back down from the other, and neither really hurt chips wise when it was over. The table knew while they were together as a couple, but they were at war on the felt. Two busted pretty quickly, and Chuck did quick math in his head to see they had picked up another 55k in earnings should they bust out next…good, but not good enough, and then it happened.

Chuck was dealt pocket 2s in the big blind and it was only him and Daniel Negreanu in the hand. The flop came 2, 7, 9 rainbow. Chuck had a set. Daniel raised, and after some consideration, Chuck reraised. Daniel leaned back and thought. He was the current chip leader, so he had Chuck covered. Chuck sat there, stoic. Daniel announced all in, and Chuck snapped called. Daniel turned over the Ace of clubs and the Ace of hearts. Chuck showed his set. The table ooooed, and Humberto mumbled he had folded the Ace of diamonds. Jenny's eyes were huge. Chuck had to dodge one card. The Ace of spades. There was a five percent chance of Daniel winning this pot. The turn came and it was a 4 of clubs. Chuck got up, and walked away a bit. Jenny sat there, watching, knowing Daniel had one out, the Ace of Spades. If Chuck could dodge that card, they would be in 1st and 3rd in chips, and the chances of the wedding went up astronomically. She could barely breathe, and then she was confused. The card hit, and she heard a stifled cry. Chuck's head dropped, and there on the table was the Ace of Spades. Chuck was out, in 8th, having taken $72,000.00 off of what they owed. The current balance was $664,000.00, but it was chump changed compared to what he had been in position to earn. Daniel came over and apologized. The three of them had talked before the tournament and he knew what was going on. He knew what he had done, and he was sorry. Chuck told him not to worry about it. Jenny came over and Daniel apologized to her. She gave him a hug, and said, "That's poker." She took Chuck and pulled him away telling the table to play on, she needed a minute. When they got away from the crowds, Chuck was nearly crying.

"I blew it," he said.

"No, Baby, you played it perfectly, what else were you suppose to do?" she asked, trying to get him to see reason.

"I blew my chance to marry you," he said. She shook her head, and put her hand behind his neck.

"No, we'll get married tomorrow, regardless," she said. Chuck smiled and shook his head.

"Jenny, listen, I don't want you to do this because you feel sorry for me, or are feeling especially frisky right now," Chuck said. She grinned at that one. "I need you to do this when you're ready, and I get you are ready in every way but one, but that's a big one. I don't have to agree with it, I don't have to like it, but I do have to respect it, so no, Jenny, we don't do this until you are ready." She stared at him.

"I've never gotten luckier in my life than having bought that iPod for that stupid amount of money," she said, he voice soft. "I can't even tell you how much I love you."

"Still think you overpaid for it?" he asked. She shook her head.

"I got it at a bargain," she said. They heard the announcement that the seventh player had busted out and they were done for the day. "Let's go bag my chips," she said, wiggling her eyebrows. I've got a tournament I need to come in second or better tomorrow." Chuck grinned.

"Oh, boy," he said, with the same eyebrow wiggle.

}o{

The next morning Jenny found herself under the bright lights of the televised final table, and Chuck found himself in the stands. In a very short time, Jenny found herself chipping up and moving into second chip position behind only the leader, Daniel Negreanu. All she had to do was not get involved with him, and she could coast to third easily, and it wouldn't take much work to get to second. After the first bust she walked over to Chuck, grinning, but he wasn't as happy as she was.

"What are you doing?" he asked softly.

"Getting the money to get married," she said.

"Jenny, be honest, you want to win this thing?" he asked. The smile on her face gave him the answer. "I'm here no matter what happens, and in a few months I get to propose to you," he said. "Do you want to look back some day and thing, I could have won that tournament if I hadn't played it safe? We are together no matter what happens today."

"We are so getting married right after we get the money," she said, a hunger in her eyes. "We're not having a long drawn out engagement."

"Deal," Chuck replied. "Now quit playing it safe and go win that tournament. Future Mrs. Bartowski," he added. She gave him a kiss and walked back over to the table, determined. Soon the fifth place player busted, and Jenny was starting to feel it. She got pocket fives on the button, and raised Daniel in the big blind. He called. The flop came 5, 9, Jack, rainbow on the suites. Jenny was looking at the board, she had a set, what were the odds Daniel was sitting on pocket Aces? Daniel checked, she thought for a second, and raised. He flat called. The turn was a 2, Daniel raised, she reraised, and Daniel went into the tank. Jenny began to worry. She knew she had him beat, but the river worried her. Surely it couldn't happen again. She really wanted him to fold and she was afraid she was giving off a tell. Daniel moved all-in. Jenny took off her sunglasses and leaned back.

"I'm supposed to call you, but I got a bad feeling," she said.

"Won't hurt my feelings if you fold," Daniel said, grinning. Jenny smiled at him. She huffed, and looked at the dealer.

"All-in," she said and flipped over pocket fives, showing her set. Daniel shook his head and flipped over pocket Aces. They both turned to Humberto who shrugged.

"I folded an Ace," he said, grinning. "Of hearts." They all looked at the board.

"So the only card that you can win with is the Ace of Spades," Jenny said. She groaned, got up out of her seat, and walked over to Chuck.

"I'm not too proud to suck out twice with the Ace of Spades," Daniel said, earning a laugh from the crowd. Chuck had his arms wrapped around her.

"It's coming," she muttered.

"If it is, it is," he replied. She didn't look and could feel his body react to it hitting. Twice in one tournament they had both been knocked out on a 2 percent draw. "Come on, you have hands to shake."

"I really wanted to get married tonight," she said where only he could hear.

"I really wanted a honeymoon tonight," he replied. She grinned against him and gave him a little shove. She turned and gave Daniel a hug.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I feel awful." She pulled away from the hug.

"Don't," she said honestly. "Just go win it."

"You got it," he said. "Best of luck to you two."

"Thanks, Daniel," Chuck said. Daniel came over and shook his hand. They had earned another $284,000.00 and cut the amount owed down to $380,000.00…so why didn't it feel like a win…

}o{

December 25th, 2004

"Are you two all right?" Ellie asked. Chuck looked up at his sister and smiled.

"Yeah, I don't want to speak for Jenny, but I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas," he said, looking at her. She gave him the tiniest of shoulder bumps and a sad smile.

"Me either," she agreed. Ellie gave them a strange look.

"I have a feeling we're not talking about normal presents," Ellie said.

"Do you promise you won't squeal?" Chuck asked.

"Christ," Casey muttered and prepared to flee the room. Emma grabbed his hand and made him stay. Jenny and Chuck shared a look.

"We wanted to make Casey and Emma in-laws before they made us step-siblings," Jenny said, grinning. Casey grunted disgustedly and left the room. Emma's hand was covering her mouth fighting laughter, joy, and tears, all at the same time. Chuck shut one eye as Ellie squealed and dove out of the way as she crushed Jenny with a hug.

"Help," Jenny croaked.

"Nope," Chuck said. "You lit the Ellie bomb, I'm getting away while I can," as he turned to flee, and was crushed in a hug by his brother-in-law.

"Awesome," Devon said grinning.

"No, Devon, not yet it's not," Chuck said, somberly. Ellie pulled away and looked at the two.

"Okay," Ellie began looking back and forth between them. "What is going on? You two love each other, right?" They both nodded. "You both want to be married, right?" They both nodded. "To each other?" They smiled as they nodded. "Then what is the problem?"

"Me," Jenny said. "You know about dad. Well, I've been paying off his debts, and I told Chuck I didn't want to get married until it was cleared. We made a deal when the WPT Final gets here, if I haven't paid it off, he'd pay the rest, and I was good with it, until last week." She looked at Chuck, sadness on her face, and saw the sadness on his. "Ellie, we were SO close. We played it perfect. Chuck was on his way to being the chip leader, and a one card suck-out with eight players to go, I was going to be chip leader with three to go and a one card suck-out. We were right there." Ellie was smiling.

"Then screw it, and get married," she said. Jenny shook her head.

"See, the dork over here," she began.

"Nerd," he replied.

"Wonderful, charming, sexy beast of a man that I love over here," she corrected. Ellie held up her hand.

"I love you, and am glad you're joining the family, but that kinda talk is reserved for when we are way too drunk at a girl's night," Ellie said. Chuck groaned, placing his hand over his eyes. Jenny's face was about to split from the smile.

"I said we should get married, and now he refuses because he thinks somewhere down the road I'd be mad at myself if I gave in now," Jenny confessed. "He's probably right." Ellie smiled at her brother. He just shrugged. "He is right."

"I don't get it, but you two have to do what works for you, so go play a tournament and end it," she said.

"There aren't any more tournaments that aren't on cruises until February," she said. "I get a little seasick, and all the big whales are either there, taking time off for the holidays, or with their families."

"So you're stuck for a while," Ellie said. Jenny nodded, a sad smile on her face.

"April's only four months away," she said.

"Well, will this help?" Chuck said, handing her a box. She gave him a look. "It's not that, that's in the room, but I'll go get it if you want."

"Hush," she said, softly giving him a quick hug. "I'm weak, and it wouldn't take much to change my mind."

"You know telling me that isn't making it easier on me," Chuck replied. She smiled at him and unwrapped the gift. A tear formed in her eye.

"It was our mom's," Ellie said, the least emotional of the three right now, and that wasn't saying much. Chuck lifted the charm bracelet out of the box and put it on her wrist. "Jenny, you are a part of this family, and you always will be, and if you ever question that, remember we've made Casey a member."

"Nice, Bartowski," Casey said, having come back into the room.

"Thanks, John," Chuck said.

"Only a multimillionaire would scrimp out on buying a gift and give away his dead mother's jewelry," Casey continued. Chuck turned to Ellie.

"There it is," he began.

"Caseyfied," the two said together, smiling. Jenny hugged them both. Soon it would be an official Bartowski hug…soon.

}o{

February 21st, 2005

Jenny was exhausted. She looked over at Chuck and knew he was feeling the same. They had played marvelously, but at some point you have to have cards, and they hadn't even come close to having the hands they needed. Chuck was the short stack, and Jenny was right behind him in chips.

They were huddled in the corner before the final table began to get them to six.

"All we have to do is come in 4th and 7th or better, or one of us just come in 3rd," Jenny said. Chuck grinned at her.

"I love your enthusiasm, but everyone at that table knows I'm going to have to shove the first decent hand I get," Chuck replied. "There's no way I can survive the blinds to grind to seventh as is." Jenny nodded.

"We are so close," she said, almost desperate.

"I know," Chuck said. "We're playing well, but the deck has been against us."

"We should just take what we get and pay it off and get married," Jenny said. Chuck gave her a look, and she rolled her eyes. "Why won't you let me be spontaneous with this?"

"Because you'll be upset about it one day," Chuck replied.

"You're so meeeaaaannn," she whined. Chuck's eyebrow raised.

"I've not heard you whine like that since you had to get up at 5 AM," Chuck replied. She huffed.

"Let's go," she said. She stopped, turned toward him, and pulled him in for a kiss. When she separated his eyes were a little cloudy and he had a goofy grin on his face. "I love you."

"I love you," he replied. "I hope I win this."

"Me to," she said softly.

Back to the tables they went. Chuck looked down at his first hand, and was trying to figure out to show or not, when one of the stacks a little bigger than his went all in. He was looking at a J 8, not a terrible hand to shove with, but not one to call with. He folded and got out of the way. Jenny folded when it came to her, and the small blind and big blind both called. She looked over at him and they knew they may have just climbed one more spot up the ladder. Sure enough a few minutes later, Erik Seidel was eliminated and they knew they had just climbed over $20,000.00 more up the ladder. Jenny took a deep breath. There was a chance.

The next hand was A 4 for Chuck and he moved all in. He was instacalled by Michael Mizrachi in the big blind, and the chip leader. Mizrachi flipped over pocket Kings, and Chuck had three outs. The Ace never came, and he was eliminated in 9th place, earning him a net of $67,000.00. The total owed was now $313,000.00. Chuck shook everyone's hand, but Jenny's. She gave him a hug, and whispered in his ear that she loved him.

They played for another hour before there was an elimination. Ben Johnson was out, moving her one more spot up the rung, but it would take 3rd for them to pay off the debt. She was getting short stacked and the cards were not coming her way. When she picked up pocket Jacks a few hands later, she knew it was time. She pushed all in, only to be called by pocket Queens. Neither of the two Jacks came, and it was game over. She shook everyone's hand, and Chuck met her to walk to the cashier's cage. They knew this hadn't been their tournament. She had made $119,000.00 after the buy-in, and the total amount owed was down to $194,000.00.

}o{

April 23rd, 2005

Jenny took a deep breath. They had made the money. It didn't really matter, in two days this nightmare was over. She was mad at her pride for not allowing Chuck to propose sooner, but he was right, it would have bugged her for the rest of her life. After the LA Poker classic, the two decided to see how much they could win in cash games…it was a disaster. They were so nervous and worried they had lost nearly $200,000.00 in no time, and it had taken them the past two months just to earn back that amount to get to even. They had gone to the Bay 101 Shooting Star tournament, and like last year, she had been a shooting star. Unlike last year, she couldn't avoid all the people who wanted the bounty on her head, and she hadn't even made the money this time. Chuck battled like a pro, made the final table, but could only manage a 9th place finish. Jenny insisted on taking her buy-in out of those winnings as well, so they only netted $80,000.00 at that tournament bringing the running total to $114,000.00 they owed. It didn't matter, tomorrow it would be over with, one way or another, but Jenny hadn't forgotten the promise she had made Chuck she was going to win this tournament. He hadn't forgotten that he had promised her the same thing.

"Getting cold feet?" the voice came behind her. She grinned and never turned around.

"Baby, I ain't got cold anything," she replied. "You better get all the sleep you can tonight Mr. Bartowski, because tomorrow night….you're gonna be on your honeymoon." With that she walked off. A second later Chuck's brain rebooted.

"What if that hadn't of been me?" he shouted after her. She shook her head, never turning around.

"I knew it was," she answered. Chuck stood there grinning stupidly. He then sobered at the thought he had to get through 99 other players, this tournament…it was going to be his.

It was a long day, the two of them dodging potential landmines on the felt. They kept watching the leader boards to figure out where the other one was, and Chuck noticed Jenny was steadily falling down in chip count. They were down to fifty players when they took a break. They had netted $24,000.00 between them if they both busted out now, and the next pay bump was at 40th place. Chuck knew he had to talk to her, now.

"So you're just gonna let me win the bet," Chuck said.

"What are you talking about?" Jenny asked.

"I mean it just seems like you've given up, which is understandable," Chuck said grinning. Jenny's face darkened a bit. "I mean we both know I'm the better player." She walked up to him, inches between them.

"Really, Bartowski?"

"Really, Burton."

"It's on, Bub, and when I win, don't forget our bet," Jenny said. Chuck smiled.

"It's all I've thought about," he said, walking off and leaving her there.

"Damn it," she muttered. "I think he won that one."

Back at the table, Jenny began to play, and Chuck watched her slowly climb the leaderboard in chips. They got down to forty players, and Jenny, stood up and pointed to the leaderboard. They were both in the middle of the pack in chips, neck and neck. They got down to 30 players left, and Chuck stood up, pointing to the leaderboard where he was in the upper third, and she was only in the upper half. They played as well as they remember playing and when they got down to 20, Chuck stood up to point that he was in the top five in chips, but he saw Jenny's face and he was quiet.

"Bartowski," she shouted, her face covered with a smile. "We did it!" Chuck pointed over to the gallery, where Casey stood, a grin on his face. Bobby was there, and they saw Casey hand Bobby a stack of chips. He waved to them, letting them know it was over. The nightmare was finally over. Her father's debts were paid off, they were free and clear. Chuck turned back to her and winked. "Try and make it to the final table, Bartowski," she said, about to sit down.

"Hey, Burton," Chuck yelled back. "Make it to the final table, and I'll give you a free lesson. The cost is all your stack when I take it from you."

"Oh, it's on, Nerd boy," she said.

"Hey!" Phil Gordon yelled from the gallery where he was watching. "I resemble that comment."

"I'm about to school all you nerds," she yelled back smiling. Chuck and Phil shared a look as she sit down.

"About time you went all-in, Bartowski," Phil said. Chuck just grinned.

The push was on for the TV final table of six. The play was furious, but not fast. It was two more hours until they made the final table of ten, which found Chuck and Jenny nowhere near each other in the seating arrangement. They were third and fifth in chips, each of them making comments to the other, the table amused. One by one, players were eliminated until only six remained, Chuck and Jenny being two of them. The chips were counted and they were told what time to be back tomorrow.

"Truce?" Jenny asked, her eyebrow raised.

"You willing to sleep with the enemy tonight?" Chuck asked.

"Who said anything about sleeping?" Jenny asked, walking away. When Chuck's brain rebooted he scurried after her.

The next day they arrived at the table, not sure how to act. They both began play tight, and at the first break, Jenny pulled Chuck aside.

"We aren't going out like this," she said. "We go out the way we got here."

"Inappropriate flirting?" Chuck asked. Jenny smiled.

"Exactly," she replied.

They got back to the table, and acted like they always did, the other players never for a second thought they were working together. They talked trash to each other, made little remarks, and they clashed several times over pots. The table dropped to five players, then four, and then three. When Chuck busted out Tuan Le in third place, he eyebrow wagged Jenny, who rolled her eyes at him.

"You've never beat me you know," he said, as the cameras came back on.

"I'm glad the TV cameras are here to record history then," she fired back, good-naturedly.

After a while of heads-up play, the blinds had begun to go up, and Chuck knew it was only a matter of time before he was going to be in trouble. He looked down at pocket Aces, hearts and clubs, and raised. Jenny called. The flop came seven, eight of spades, and the three of diamonds. Chuck raised, and Jenny called. The King of diamonds hit on the turn. Chuck looked at the board. It looked eerily familiar. He thought for a second. It was the same board as the first time he busted her. She had held Aces, and he had the nine, six of diamonds. The flop on that board had been seven eight of diamonds, and the three of spades. He looked up at Jenny who had a grin on her face.

"Kinda familiar, isn't it?" he asked. She nodded. He sat back in his chair. If she was on a draw, he didn't think she would call. As much as she had added math to her game she just wouldn't do it. He looked at her stack which was bigger than his, but just slightly.

"My eyes are up here," she said, earning a laugh from the audience.

"Don't worry, I'll treat your stack nice when I take it," he replied. She grinned at him. "I'm all-in."

"Call," she said, in a snap. Chuck's eyes got huge. He turned over the cards to show his pocket Aces and Jenny showed the six, nine of spades. The announcer told everyone what was going on, and Chuck grinned at her. Chuck stood up.

"Can we hold on, just a second?" Chuck asked. Everyone looked around, confused. Jenny began to grin. She knew. Chuck turned to her, a smile on his face. "Last year, you and I made a bet, the loser, had to make the other one happy for the rest of their life." Jenny smiled. "I know right now, I'm a small favorite, but I've decided, either way, the best way you can make me happy, or I can make you happy is to do this." He reached into his pocket, pulled out a box, opened it, showing the ring inside, and sunk down to one knee. The announcer rushed over to get the mike in his face, making Chuck laugh. "Jenny Lisa Burton, you make me the happiest I have ever been, will you please do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me, and marry me?"

"Still making me chocolate chip pancakes if I lose?" She asked, grinning.

"Oh, for the love of God, Woman!" he said, laughing. "Win or lose!" She pretended to think a minute, tapping her right index finger on her lips, her left hand holding her right elbow.

"Hmmm," she hummed, trying not to laugh. "Of course, I'll marry you, you nerd!" she said, kissing him. The audience exploded in applause. Chuck put the ring on her finger, and she hugged him.

"Uh, we still have a tournament to finish," the announcer said. The two stood, Jenny leaning her head into Chuck's chest, his arms around her, her arms wrapped around his waist.

"You know it's the Ace of spades, right?" Chuck asked. She giggled into his chest. The card came out…the Ace of spades. Jenny won the tournament, but she never moved, clinging to Chuck. They shot the last of the TV part with her holding the check in one hand, and Chuck with the other. Mike Sexton toasted them and wished them a long and happy marriage, and then they finally were able to leave. As they walked off, Chuck started laughing.

"What?" Jenny asked.

"I need to by an iPod," he said, grinning. "I haven't had one in a while." Jenny laughed into his chest.

"I'll let you borrow mine, I got a deal on it," she said, as they walked off to find an all-night wedding chapel.

A/N: I enjoyed it, hope you did. Again thank you all for the reviews, follows, favorites, and the love. I'll be back soon with Break Up, Buy More High, Casey & Walker, and of course, the Life Unexpected…take care…see you soon…til next time.

#Jenny #Chuck #Chenny #Aces Charles #fanfic #fanfiction

1 note · View note

pyromouse · 7 years ago

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[short story thing about how nate and mouse know each other because it was sort of implied. i meant to post this a week ago but didn’t finish editing it til today]

The sign declared “FLORIST! HELLA CHEAP.” in handwritten letters. Even had a few attempts at drawing some roses on the corners. It was tacked to a crumbling alley wall and pointed further in.

Pretty shoddy craftmanship, if anyone asked him.

Nate shuffled down the narrow alley until it started to widen. He honestly didn’t expect much out of this venture. Who grows plants in a forgotten back alley? Someone who can’t put up a respectable sign, obviously.

So his jaw might have hit the ground when he passed through a wooden gate and got a look at the sheer volume of flora packed inside. Rows of neat flower beds, potted plants on shelves, a rusty fire escape transformed into a blooming trellis.

“How-”

A head bobbed up from behind the hydrangeas. “Oh, hi! Can I help you with something?”

“Uh...yeah.” He took another few steps in. “A dozen roses.”

“Red or white?”

“Mm...six of each.”

The florist snipped the flowers from the bush with quick careful fingers and tied them together with a red ribbon. “I can can give you a gift tag for ‘em if you’d like.”

“No, uh, that’s fine..” His gaze drifted over to a few plants in the corner. Huh. Didn’t expect to see that here.

“You grow belladonna? You know that shit’s poisonous, right?”

The florist huffed. “Of course I do. That’s why they’re in plant jail.” They pointed and Nate noticed the little wire fence with a cardboard sign declaring the belladonna was ‘doing some hard time’ and was not for sale. “I just liked the way the flowers looked, y’know?”

“Oh. Because….I kinda, uh, need it.”

The florist fixed suspicious white eyes on him. “I will not be an accomplice to a poisoning-”

“What? No! It’s not like- ugh.” Nate gave a frustrated sigh. “Fine, forget it. Can I have some of the ivy clippings?”

As Nate pointed out a few others, he noticed the florist’s increasingly confused expression. Most of his selections didn’t match and some weren’t even blooming. But they didn’t pipe up about his weird bouquet. They carefully set the plants in a large paper bag and rang up his total on a beat up calculator. Nate dropped a twenty and a ten on the makeshift counter and hefted the bag as he turned to leave.

“Hold up!” The florist waved a five at him. Nate waved it away.

“Just keep the change.”

“Really? Thanks dude!”

*****

Nate learned a few things about the florist in the following months. Their snow white hair had to be natural, or they were extremely dedicated to dying their roots. They played classical music for the plants and liked dancing down the rows while watering. Once in a while Nate caught them light up to smoke, but curiously never seemed to see a lighter in hand.

They also seemed to be in a perpetually chatty mood.

“Hiya! Usual stuff today?”

“Mph…” Nate paused, still processing the very idea of being awake at the moment. “Throw in some morning glories.” The florist started clipping swatches of flowers off thet trellis and twisting them into a braid. “You can just toss ‘em in the bag.”

“Aw, no fun.” They stuck out their tongue. “You never appreciate my arrangements. Why would you shell out so damn much for flowers if you don’t even want ‘em to look nice?”

“They’re getting shredded and dried once I get home, soo….”

Their head canted to the side. “Why?”

“For...cooking.”

“Who are cooking for, rabbits? Because you didn’t strike me as a pet guy. At least not a guy who keeps rabbits as pets.” They tapped their finger to their chin. “Seem like a cat person. Specifically that grumpy cat.”

Nate sighed. “How are you so peppy this early?”

“It’s….it’s almost noon.”

He took a long swig from a paper coffee cup. “How much do I owe?”

He overpaid, again, and the florist smiled. “See ya in...what, two weeks?” They waved. “Later dude!”

*****

Two weeks later Nate stood outside the garden gate. He didn’t hear the usual music and rustling inside. The florist didn’t even have a sign up signalling whether it was open or closed (did they know anything about running a business?). Nate rapped on the gate experimentally.

A groan and a mumbled “come in” responded. The florist was sitting on an upturned bucket, head cradled in their hands. “Yo.”

“Uh. You...feeling okay?”

“Headache.” They gestured to a notepad on the work table. “Sorry, but could you just write down your order? I’ll get it once this passes, so you can pick ‘em up later.”

Nate nodded and scribbled down his list: lavender, lemongrass, forget me nots, belladonna, honeysuckle. He got to the gate before pausing. “...take care.”

They gave a half-hearted wave.

He killed some time around town: coffee, reading, dispelling magic traps, more coffee. Around three headed back to the alley garden. All was still quiet, but the gate was unlatched and Nate let himself in.

“Hey…hello? Where - oh, shit. Shit!”

He found the florist sprawled behind the snapdragon patch, one cheek pressed to the dirt. Twice before he caught them napping in the grass (unprofessional and weird) but this was definitely not the case today. A pail half-filled with cuttings had tipped onto its side and a pair of clippers laid near an outstretched hand.

Nate pushed their shoulder to roll them onto their back. Oh, good. They were still breathing. The witch rooted through his bag for a long thin wallet with one hand and tapped their cheek gently with the other. “Hey, kid, can ye hear me?”

It took a moment, and some more tapping, but hazy white eyes fluttered open. “Ngh...wha’ happened?”

“I was hoping you’d tell me.” The florist groaned, shielding their face with an arm. “But all signs are pointing to you passing out.”

Slowly, they pulled their body into a sitting position. “Ugh. Head fuckin’ hurts.”

“Why didn’t you take anything for it?”

“Did. Most stuff doesn’t work right.”

“You oughta see a doctor if it’s that bad.”

The reaction was instant. They pulled away from him, shrinking back into the flower and fixing him with a wary stare. Shit. Wrong thing to say.

“Or not. I mean. Um.” The witch consulted his potion case. He slid one out and held it towards them. “Drink this.” Their eyes narrowed, fixed on the little vial, but they otherwise didn’t move. “Holy shit kid, I am not trying to poison you.” Damn, too loud - the florist cringed. Nate lowered his voice and tried again. “I’m an herbalist. I’m sure this will help you but if you don’t believe me, I’ll drink first.”

“I...yeah, if you could do that.”

Nate uncapped the blue vial took a sip. He waited a moment before holding it out to the florist again. Eerie white eyes studied him, but they accepted it cautiously. Their eyes widened as the awful pressure in their head finally relented.

“Give it half an hour to kick in fully. Do you get migraines a lot?” They nodded. The witch hummed thoughtfully. With a snap of his fingers he summoned a notepad from thin air. They gasped at that, but the flurry of excited questions he expected to get never came. Clear sign something’s wrong with ‘em. “I need to ask you some things so I can make you a medicine for this. That alright with you?” They nodded and he flipped open the book. “Mkay, first up: any allergies?” A mumbled negative. “Do you have any other symptoms?”

The interview went on for some fifteen minutes before Nate shut his book and stood up, dusting dirt from his jeans. “Alright. It’ll take two days to make. Keep what’s left of that vial, it’s good in a pinch.”

“Wait, your order-”

The witch held his hand up. “It can wait. Go home before you black out again.”

“Go it, doc.”

Nate rolled his eyes. “And make sure you eat something soon. See you Thursday.”

*****

The florist picked up one of the seven mismatched bottles and studied it curiously. Peachy-pink liquid and a few white petals swirled around the glass globe.

“Wasn’t it blue before?”

“That was a general cure-all. This one’s brewed to treat your migraines specifically.”

“Ohhh. Okay.”

“You take one tablespoon as needed. If the pain is especially bad, take two, but no more than that.”

“...what happens at three tablespoons?”

“Nothing bad, honestly. But you’ll be high as a kite.” Nate took care to mix the potion with their small stature in mind, but there was a very fine line when your patient weighed one-ten, maybe, if they were soaking wet.

“Try to drink something within an hour of taking it. No caffeine though.” Nate fished out an index card with his notes and handed it to them.

“Thanks man.” They stuffed the note into their pocket. “Oh! Right!” Reaching under the shelf, the florist snatched the lockbox and cracked it open. “How much for ‘em?”

“Eh?” was his initial response to the rapid change of subject. Seriously, this kid was too damn energetic when a migraine wasn’t bringing them down.

“Herbalist is like your job, right? So what do you charge?” They shuffled through some bills, looking up at him when he didn’t respond immediately. “C’mon, I’m trying not to be a charity case anymore.”

Nate waved a hand. “Look, I appreciate it. But honestly any money you give me right now I’m just gonna give right back…”

Their eyes light up with the sudden realization. They yanked open a drawer and pulled out the notepad - his order still scrawled on the top sheet - a paper bag, and some shears. “Just wait!”

The florist zipped around, neatly snipping away flowers and stacking them in the bag. It was almost packed full when they scanned down the list one more time. Pulling on a pair of gloves, they knelt down near the belladonna. Snip, snip, snip - a small handful of purple flowers were tossed on top.

Nate raised an eyebrow. Huh. After weeks of denied requests, he wasn’t expecting this.

“Here you go!” They smiled, setting the bag on the counter. “Consider Bella’s bail posted today.”

Nate’s mouth twitched into a half-smile. Weird kid.

“Holy shit! Is that happiness I see?”

Nate huffed. He balanced the bag on the crook of his arm and grabbed his cane with his free hand.

“Remember, no more than two doses. I will not be held responsible if you make an idiot of yourself while you’re out of it.”

They flapped their hand dismissively. “Don’t worry. I can do that well enough on my own. Thanks doc!”

“...no problem. Uh, see you.”

*****

“Heeey! Heeey Doc!”

“Where - oh.”

Nate had a few questions. Why was the florist hanging by their ankles from the fire escape? How did they even get up there? Some of those questions were answered when he spotted the bottle on the counter.

“Ah gods...hey! What did I tell you?”

“Only two!” They held out two fingers. “And I listened! Stuff works like magic!”

“Hmm.” They probably didn’t have it in them to lie right now. I can’t imagine them lying about something like this anyway. Which meant Nate had made a miscalculation. He frowned and pocketed the bottle. “I’m cutting you down to one tablespoon,” he called up to them. “...Are you gonna be able to get down from there?”

The florist paused to consider this before unhooking their ankles from the railing and dropping like a stone. A panicked spell to catch them was on the tip of this tongue before their descent just stopped inches above the ground. He stared at them just hanging there, weightless, until they flopped to the ground with a muffled ‘oof.’

“How the fuck…?”

“I have skills! Mad skills.”

Nate’s brow furrowed. No way. I would have sensed something. Still, he had to ask. “You a witch?”

“Nah. Never been to Hogwarts.”

He sighs, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “I’m putting a ward on the gate when I leave. You should be fine in a couple hours, so...yeah, do that,” he trailed off, watching the florist climb into the wheelbarrow for a nap. An amused smile flickered across his face for a moment. He shut the gate behind him and rattled it a bit to make sure it locked.

“Sciath.” He said, tracing a few runes over the wooden slats. The glow faded but the spell was in place. No one would be able to bother them until they woke. As he passed the through the alleyway entrance, Nate noticed the sign tilting to one side. “So unprofessional,” he mumbled as he nudged it back into place.

#[drabble]#[about mouse]#[about nate]#[nate tends to act aloof or disinterested most of the time]#[but he's a healer by nature so he can't help stepping in sometimes]#[also shiiiit this got long why did it get so long]

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shirlleycoyle · 4 years ago

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The Story of How the Australian Government Screwed Its Most Vulnerable People

This article appears in VICE Magazine's Algorithms issue, which investigates the rules that govern our society, and what happens when they're broken.

In a typical fictional dystopia, one might find a few common features: a bureaucratic government, a malevolent computer program, and an isolated and fearful public.

A version of this scenario took place in Australia between 2016, when the conservative-leaning government automated its system for raising debts against people who had received government assistance and allegedly been overpaid, and this year, when the government pledged to pay back $721 million that it stole from nearly 400,000 of the country's most vulnerable people. In total, more than 700,000 Australians received letters notifying them that the system had identified a debt that they owed, unless they could prove otherwise.

The scope of the crisis, often referred to as "robodebt," is immense. Thousands were hounded by the government and debt collectors for alleged overpayments, often from years prior and amounting to thousands of dollars, that simply did not exist. Many victims paid up, some appealed their debt, and trauma was visited upon a population. Tragically, some families attributed their loved ones' deaths by suicide to recieving robodebts, something the head of Australia's Department of Social Services denies happened to this day.

The program continued for years, despite scathing government hearings and reports. During this time, the volunteer-led campaign #NotMyDebt elevated victims' stories, activists organized a sit-in at a lawmaker's office, and a prominent legal scholar who was pushed out of their longstanding post in Australia's appeals tribunal for welfare payments lambasted the program. Legal aid groups launched successful challenges, and an ongoing class action lawsuit seeking damages was struck up in 2019.

This year, the government admitted error and the unlawful nature of nearly 400,000 debts and begun paying back the jaw-dropping amount of money that was bilked from citizens, something that promises to be a complex process. Now, Australia has to reckon with the aftermath of a disastrous implementation of automation at the intersection of austerity and unaccountable government. Here, in the words of those who were there—whether as activists, insiders, or having received a debt—is how this all happened, and what the world can learn about preventing it from happening again.

'THEY COULDN'T PAY FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS'

Aspects of "robodebt" existed prior to 2016, in the form of data matching (with human oversight) and even income averaging, which was reportedly used as a "last resort" in determining debts. The crisis kicked into overdrive, however, with the introduction of the Online Compliance Intervention (OCI) program, as robodebt is officially known. It was piloted in the summer of 2016 on 1,000 people and publicly announced ahead of Christmas that year as a crackdown on a massive scale: the goal was to balance the federal budget by clawing back a gobsmacking $2.3 billion from welfare recipients. The effects were felt almost immediately, as the automated system spewed out debt notices.

LYNDSEY JACKSON, chair of Electronic Frontiers Australia and co-founder of the #NotMyDebt campaign: [People] were getting phone calls from debt collectors leading up to Christmas. So it was just the rumblings of these stories that started to come out. And from that, that's how the campaign started.

ASHER WOLF, an activist who helped to organize the resistance to robodebt: People were very upset, obviously. Suddenly they couldn't pay for Christmas presents. They couldn't pay, for god's sake. Money was coming out of their accounts, [and they] are being told to pay up. And all the ministers were on holidays, so we used it as a gap to make a lot of fuss. We just made whatever media statement we wanted. Not long after that, we occupied [lawmaker Alan Tudge's office].

JACKSON: I just expected we would get 20 stories in that first month. We got 300 and about $3.5 million dollars worth of debt, just a huge volume. The stories were awful. And I guess the only thing that we could do was amplify their voices and let people feel like they were being heard.

TERRY CARNEY, professor emeritus at the University of Sydney, and former member of Australia's administrative appeals tribunal for welfare payments: I got my first case to deal with on the tribunal in, I think it was about early February.

It didn't cut the mustard, or even approach having mustard on the table. I mean, they were totally unable to provide any shred of a legal foundation. And so in late March, my decision was made finding the debt not to be lawful, and therefore I set it aside.

My estimate is that at least 200 or so other decisions, in addition to my five, were made by my colleagues on a similar basis.

JACKSON: [Within] a year, a few thousand of these letters would have been sent out.

'CLUNKY, CRAP COMPUTER SYSTEM'

By all accounts, the software underpinning the OCI scheme was extremely crude. It worked by matching data between Centrelink, the agency that processes government assistance, and the tax office, to flag discrepancies. This data matching was previously done with human oversight, but robodebt automated this to generate debt notices. It also averaged people's reported fortnightly incomes over an entire year to calculate their benefits, resulting in false debts being raised against citizens with irregular incomes. The system was iterated upon over the years; for example, in 2018, "predictive analytics" were added to resolve discrepancies likely to result in zero or low debt.

CARNEY: Debts have always been a significant part of the caseload for the tribunal. Up until the change that occurred, there was data matching. But the data matching was used in order to provide a basis for making inquiries, rather than the be all and end all in seeking to establish the debt.

WOLF: The calculator that they used, the algorithm that they used, for figuring this out is COBOL [a programming language from 1959]. It's COBOL and Excel mashed together.

JACKSON: The algorithm was crude data matching. They talk about it like it was a sophisticated thing. It was a really clunky, crap computer system that's actually multi-layered, matching with [tax office] data, but not using unique identifiers, because they didn't have them, they couldn't match that between the systems. So It was matching things like people's names and businesses and just causing all of these errors because it was done so crudely.

That was part of the human oversight process that [used to] happen, because those people knew what to look for.

CARNEY: Prior to robodebt, data matching led to debts being raised in 7 percent of all of the situations where it appeared that there might be some discrepancy… The reason that the other 93 percent were not pursued was stated on the public record because it wasn't cost effective to do so… What changed with robodebt is that the data matching was essentially automated to produce the letter, which didn't say technically that it was a debt, but it said this would be a debt, unless you can prove that this calculation is not correct.

'A TRAVESTY'

DEAN FLETCHER, Wollongong/Illawarra branch coordinator for the Australian Unemployed Workers' Union: It became an issue for me in 2017, when I got a debt notice and my partner [did] as well.

When I got the letter from the debt collectors, [I felt] overwhelming anxiety because it didn't feel like I'd been given an opportunity not only to look into it myself, but to challenge it before they sent people after me.

It was very confusing and, honestly, very isolating… If it wasn't for people like Asher and the #NotMyDebt campaign, I would have had no idea that other people were experiencing this as well.

CARNEY: It was the sheer scale of the damage and harm that was being done to such a large number of people which dwarfed anything that had happened in social security in the history of the last century.

WOLF: How do you end up with billions of dollars being stolen from people, so that people commit suicide? So that people beat their children, or beat their wives, or go hungry, or become malnourished, or lose their house, or sell the family car? Terrible things happened.

JACKSON: Thousands of people have been traumatized. They haven't passed away, but they have been traumatized because they have been stressed, and they have lost homes, and they have not been able to have food on their table.

CARNEY: We pay very low rates of Social Security in Australia at best, and we have high rates within that population of people with mental illness and other vulnerabilities.

$721 billion, three-quarters of a billion dollars of unlawful debts, or taxes, if you like, were being imposed on these most vulnerable people. Three-quarters of a billion [dollars], nearly 400,000 people. In some cases, a person had more than one such debt. That's a travesty. It's among the most egregious actions that our government can be involved in.

'BURN SHIT DOWN'

Now, the robodebt program is mired in scandal, legal issues, and calls for a royal commission into how it all came to pass. As it stands, the recovery of debts raised using income averaging has been paused, and the government is in the process of paying back debts raised using that method. However, the saga is not over: a class action lawsuit is looming, and the government intends to continue raising debts "with further proof points" to improve accuracy. So far, plans include continuing data-matching with the tax office, but with more granular pay information and user options.

When reached for comment, Services Australia pointed Motherboard towards recent comments made by government officials, a Senate submission document, and an online FAQ page.

CARNEY: There's an administrative challenge for the government in delivering the [robodebt] repayments. They say that they're confident that they have now collected enough of that information, but they concede that there are significant numbers of people who are going to be obliged to update their bank account details, because everything is done in Australia electronically and has been for quite a while. So there's that issue… There are problems for anybody who settled a case. The issues like that have an administrative complexity that ultimately should all come out in the wash, but that's going to cause trauma for people for another several months.

WOLF: [Debts are] still being raised. Not using the same data matching form, but still being raised.

And then it's still a huge number of people who are not in the class action… They haven't applied for any of this.

FLETCHER: I think it's really endemic of much larger issues, number one: how Australian society treats welfare recipients.

JACKSON: [Some] think that this same [automation] technology is like a panacea, and something that will bring fast problems to complex issues. It's really quite dangerous.

WOLF: We dehumanize people through algorithms, and that will always lead to disastrous outcomes as long as we don't have accountability measures that are both specific and focused on a human element of accountability. There was no accountability within the system. Everybody was atomized. Nobody knew who to contact. Nobody knew that it was happening to other people. And the only way to fight these systems is to band together. So, you have to find other people that you can talk to about it.

If algorithms are hurting your people, killing your people, burn shit down.

Follow Jordan Pearson on Twitter.

The Story of How the Australian Government Screwed Its Most Vulnerable People syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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fesahaawit · 7 years ago

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Are You Financially Average?

Mornin’ mornin’!

So last week we went over 15 great financial goals to hit if you wanted to be ABOVE average in this wacko world of ours, but today I thought it would be fun to see just how close we are to being AVERAGE average compared to others ;)

Because why not, right? What else are we going to do today?

Stats are below in bold, followed by my own thoughts & answers… I’ll let you decide which areas you actually want to be average on, and which you don’t ;)

10 Financial Statistics of The Average American

(The data is mostly from 2015 and chock-full of other variables that we should probably pay attention to, but take them for what they’re worth and just play along with this blogger here ;) Big shout to The Motley Fool where I borrowed these stats from.)

#1. The average American gross household income is $71,258

Pretty decent… Our household income this year will be around $110,000 between my wife’s new job and my online projects, but obviously if there’s only one of you in your household it’s going to skew your results :) Verdict for us: above average

#2. The average American household with debt owes $132,529

Dayuuummm… Although it *does* include mortgages and student loans, cars, etc, so it’s not ALL credit card debt. We’ve opted to go back to renting so we don’t have any mortgages, but we do have a car note with $12,142.79 left which makes our verdict here below average.

#3. The average American gave $5,491 to charity in 2015

Pretty good!!! Probably because the higher earners skew it, but still – no shame in trying to keep up! And outside all the gobs of time I spend helping people with their $$$, we fail here with only giving about $1,000 in cash and donations last year… Though we did give out over $14,000 so far with our Community Fund I helped launch, and my $20/mo charity trick is now auto. pumping out $100/mo to 5 of my favorite organizations, so we are getting better! Verdict: below average (but not for long!)

#4. The average American has a FICO credit score of 700

Much better than I’d expect? I’m not exactly sure what my *FICO* score is, but I do know from last week’s checking that we’re at 829 with Experian and 835 w/ TransUnion and 833 w/ Equifax. So I would assume we’d be in the 800’s as well with FICO. And man are there a lot of different scores out there? You can learn more about most of them here, but again as long as you’re at least monitoring one of them consistently you’ll be just fine. J$ verdict: above average

#5. The average American’s 401(k) balance is $96,288

I no longer have a 401(k) since becoming self-employed, but I do have about $504,000 in my SEP IRA which is an equivalent (minus those glorious free matches!!!) so it’s safe to say we’re way above average here too. You could also probably include IRAs and any other types of retirement accounts here which of course paints a much bigger picture, especially if you don’t even have access to a 401(k) plan.

Here’s a cool graph Motley Fool included that breaks down the average totals by *age* – which is a much fairer comparison. It comes from Vanguard’s 2016 How America Saves report (PDF):

(For more thoughts around this, check out my postings on Twitter and Facebook where there were some pretty lively conversations going in response to this graph!)

#6. The average personal savings rate in the U.S. is 5.5%

Ugh… Although apparently this is up from 1.9% in 2005, so yay? I’m never quite sure exactly how one goes about calculating their savings rate (do you use pre-tax money? After-tax? Does investing count? What about debt payments?) but here’s what I get depending on what I’m including – all based on pre-tax income:

Actual “savings” rate: 0% (all our extra money goes to maxing out retirement accounts and debt)

Investing rate: 26% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA)

Investing + debt pay off rate: 34% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA, Car loan)

Verdict: above average

#7. Only 18% of Americans actively contribute to an IRA

Double ugh… I’m not sure what’s considered “active” here (I usually contribute only once a year to max it out vs monthly deposits) but either way not good, America. Not good! J$ verdict: above average

#8. The average American’s tax refund in 2016 was $2,860.

I know people either LOVE getting refunds or think it’s asinine that you “give the government a loan,” but as far as I’m concerned a nice surprise is always better than an ugly one. And I find that when people get a *chunk* of money vs smaller more frequent ones, they tend to apply it more towards bigger goals anyways since it seems to make a much larger difference. So to me it’s all in HOW YOU USE THE MONEY vs when you get it.

As for our typical returns, we usually break even since we pay taxes quarterly, however last year we got an unexpected return of $5,000 when we overpaid on part of some money that came in at the end of the year. Which of course went right back into investments! And again, a much better surprise getting $5,000 back than the opposite ;)

Verdict: above average (not sure how to color code this, haha…)

#9. The average American pays an effective federal income tax rate of 13.5%

Wow! Wouldn’t have ever guessed that! Not that I pay attention too much to this stuff (borrrrringgggg). And similar to the whole savings rate thing I wasn’t quite sure how to calculate this puppy either, however a quick Google search shot me a fast answer and was able to figure it out nicely.

Per Investopedia:

An individual’s effective tax rate is calculated by dividing total tax expense from line 63 of his 1040 Form by his taxable income from line 43 of that form.

Easy enough, right? For 2016 that came out to 17% for us (much lower than usual probably due to us taking a loss when we sold our house earlier in the year, as well as my wife maybe going back to work?), but for 2015 it was quite higher at a whopping 43%! Can that be right?? This is exactly why I use an accountant as I don’t trust myself to calculate crap haha…

Verdict: above average (I’m gonna say this is both good and bad: bad cuz we’re obviously paying more than the average, but good in that it typically means we’re also *earning more,* as well as giving more back to support our state/country too)

#10. The average American’s Social Security retirement benefit is $1,363/mo

Reason #38 to make sure you’re saving and investing on your own!! Can’t rely on anyone to support you in retirement :( I cant find my login/password to the site at the moment, but here’s what our future payments were estimated at two years ago. I’d imagine it’s only gone up?

(I like how “early retirement” is 62 btw… surely they haven’t come across FIRE blogs! ;))

You can easily access all your own social security stuff these days here: http://ift.tt/1Dgs85A (provided you remember your password!). It’s also helpful when trying to run your Lifetime Wealth Ratio too that I conjured up :) Divide your current net worth by your *total earnings* over your lifetime and see what % of it you still have left! Just make sure to have a box of tissues around as most times it’s pretty depressing, haha… Verdict: above average

#11. Bonus: The average American will spend $165.14 on Thanksgiving expenses this year (via LendEdu)

If only that read Christmas! :) We’ll probably only be spending around $30 or $40 for gas and some side dishes to the dinners we’ll be attending this year (thanks mom and dad!), but I know some are flying all over the place which I’d imagine gets pricey pretty fast. Good thing we love our friends and families! Verdict: below average

(my favorite all-time gift, given to me by Baby Penny!)

BTW, right before I went to publish this I got two more T-Day stats emailed to me, by Ebates:

22% of Americans plan to begin their Black Friday shopping online after Thanksgiving dinner

11% of Americans admit to shopping on their mobile phones during Thanksgiving dinner

Wow…

So there you have it! The average financial stats of your fellow man and woman :)

Where do you land? More average than below average? More below than above?

It looks like I’m mostly above average in the right places and below average in the others, but areas of improvement can be found in both the charity and the effective tax rate areas… I’m still amazed by how all those early retirees pay 0% in taxes btw, even though they’re all millionaires!! Talk about being crafty!

See this post here by Go Curry Cracker to see what I mean: Never Pay Taxes Again (hint: you’ll need to live on far less than you’re probably doing right now to pull this off)

Thanks for playing along! No one else in real life likes talking about this stuff with me ;)

**** PS: Here’s the link again to the Motley Fool article if you want to learn more: 10 Incredible Financial Statistics That Sum Up the Average American

Are You Financially Average? posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

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heliosfinance · 7 years ago

Text

Are You Financially Average?

Mornin’ mornin’!

Because why not, right? What else are we going to do today?

Stats are below in bold, followed by my own thoughts & answers… I’ll let you decide which areas you actually want to be average on, and which you don’t ;)

10 Financial Statistics of The Average American

(The data is mostly from 2015 and chalk full of other variables that we should probably pay attention to, but take them for what they’re worth and just play along with this blogger here ;) Big shout to The Motley Fool where I borrowed these stats from.)

#1. The average American gross household income is $71,258

#2. The average American household with debt owes $132,529

#3. The average American gave $5,491 to charity in 2015

#4. The average American has a FICO credit score of 700

#5. The average American’s 401(k) balance is $96,288

Here’s a cool graph Motley Fool included that breaks down the average totals by *age* – which is a much fairer comparison. It comes from Vanguard’s 2016 How America Saves report (PDF):

(For more thoughts around this, check out my postings on Twitter and Facebook where there were some pretty lively conversations going in response to this graph!)

#6. The average personal savings rate in the U.S. is 5.5%

Actual “savings” rate: 0% (all our extra money goes to maxing out retirement accounts and debt)

Investing rate: 26% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA)

Investing + debt pay off rate: 34% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA, Car loan)

Verdict: above average

#7. Only 18% of Americans actively contribute to an IRA

#8. The average American’s tax refund in 2016 was $2,860.

Verdict: above average (not sure how to color code this, haha…)

#9. The average American pays an effective federal income tax rate of 13.5%

Per Investopedia:

An individual’s effective tax rate is calculated by dividing total tax expense from line 63 of his 1040 Form by his taxable income from line 43 of that form.

#10. The average American’s Social Security retirement benefit is $1,363/mo

(I like how “early retirement” is 62 btw… surely they haven’t come across FIRE blogs! ;))

You can easily access all your own social security stuff these days here: http://ift.tt/1Dgs85A (provided you remember your password!). It’s also helpful when trying to run your Lifetime Wealth Ratio too that I conjured up :) Divide your current net worth by your *total earnings* over your lifetime and see what % of it you still have left! Just make sure to have a box of tissues around as most time it’s pretty depressing, haha… Verdict: above average

#11. Bonus: The average American will spend $165.14 on Thanksgiving expenses this year (via LendEdu)

(my favorite all-time gift, given to me by Baby Penny!)

BTW, right before I went to publish this I got two more T-Day stats emailed to me, by Ebates:

22% off Americans plan to begin their Black Friday shopping online after Thanksgiving dinner

11% of Americans admit to shopping on their mobile phones during Thanksgiving dinner

Wow…

So there you have it! The average financial stats of your fellow man and woman :)

Where do you land? More average than below average? More below than above?

See this post here by Go Curry Cracker to see what I mean: Never Pay Taxes Again (hint: you’ll need to live on far less than you’re probably doing right now to pull this off)

Thanks for playing along! No one else in real life likes talking about this stuff with me ;)

**** PS: Here’s the link again to the Motley Fool article if you want to learn more: 10 Incredible Financial Statistics That Sum Up the Average American

Are You Financially Average? published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B

0 notes

shirlleycoyle · 4 years ago

Text

The Story of How the Australian Government Screwed Its Most Vulnerable People

In a typical fictional dystopia, one might find a few common features: a bureaucratic government, a malevolent computer program, and an isolated and fearful public.

'THEY COULDN'T PAY FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS'

My estimate is that at least 200 or so other decisions, in addition to my five, were made by my colleagues on a similar basis.

JACKSON: [Within] a year, a few thousand of these letters would have been sent out.

'CLUNKY, CRAP COMPUTER SYSTEM'

WOLF: The calculator that they used, the algorithm that they used, for figuring this out is COBOL [a programming language from 1959]. It's COBOL and Excel mashed together.

That was part of the human oversight process that [used to] happen, because those people knew what to look for.

'A TRAVESTY'

DEAN FLETCHER, Wollongong/Illawarra branch coordinator for the Australian Unemployed Workers' Union: It became an issue for me in 2017, when I got a debt notice and my partner [did] as well.

It was very confusing and, honestly, very isolating… If it wasn't for people like Asher and the #NotMyDebt campaign, I would have had no idea that other people were experiencing this as well.

CARNEY: We pay very low rates of Social Security in Australia at best, and we have high rates within that population of people with mental illness and other vulnerabilities.

'BURN SHIT DOWN'

When reached for comment, Services Australia pointed Motherboard towards recent comments made by government officials, a Senate submission document, and an online FAQ page.

WOLF: [Debts are] still being raised. Not using the same data matching form, but still being raised.

And then it's still a huge number of people who are not in the class action… They haven't applied for any of this.

FLETCHER: I think it's really endemic of much larger issues, number one: how Australian society treats welfare recipients.

JACKSON: [Some] think that this same [automation] technology is like a panacea, and something that will bring fast problems to complex issues. It's really quite dangerous.

If algorithms are hurting your people, killing your people, burn shit down.

Follow Jordan Pearson on Twitter.

The Story of How the Australian Government Screwed Its Most Vulnerable People syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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fesahaawit · 7 years ago

Text

Are You Financially Average?

Mornin’ mornin’!

Because why not, right? What else are we going to do today?

Stats are below in bold, followed by my own thoughts & answers… I’ll let you decide which areas you actually want to be average on, and which you don’t ;)

10 Financial Statistics of The Average American

#1. The average American gross household income is $71,258

#2. The average American household with debt owes $132,529

#3. The average American gave $5,491 to charity in 2015

#4. The average American has a FICO credit score of 700

#5. The average American’s 401(k) balance is $96,288

Here’s a cool graph Motley Fool included that breaks down the average totals by *age* – which is a much fairer comparison. It comes from Vanguard’s 2016 How America Saves report (PDF):

(For more thoughts around this, check out my postings on Twitter and Facebook where there were some pretty lively conversations going in response to this graph!)

#6. The average personal savings rate in the U.S. is 5.5%

Actual “savings” rate: 0% (all our extra money goes to maxing out retirement accounts and debt)

Investing rate: 26% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA)

Investing + debt pay off rate: 34% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA, Car loan)

Verdict: above average

#7. Only 18% of Americans actively contribute to an IRA

#8. The average American’s tax refund in 2016 was $2,860.

Verdict: above average (not sure how to color code this, haha…)

#9. The average American pays an effective federal income tax rate of 13.5%

Per Investopedia:

An individual’s effective tax rate is calculated by dividing total tax expense from line 63 of his 1040 Form by his taxable income from line 43 of that form.

#10. The average American’s Social Security retirement benefit is $1,363/mo

(I like how “early retirement” is 62 btw… surely they haven’t come across FIRE blogs! ;))

#11. Bonus: The average American will spend $165.14 on Thanksgiving expenses this year (via LendEdu)

(my favorite all-time gift, given to me by Baby Penny!)

BTW, right before I went to publish this I got two more T-Day stats emailed to me, by Ebates:

22% of Americans plan to begin their Black Friday shopping online after Thanksgiving dinner

11% of Americans admit to shopping on their mobile phones during Thanksgiving dinner

Wow…

So there you have it! The average financial stats of your fellow man and woman :)

Where do you land? More average than below average? More below than above?

See this post here by Go Curry Cracker to see what I mean: Never Pay Taxes Again (hint: you’ll need to live on far less than you’re probably doing right now to pull this off)

Thanks for playing along! No one else in real life likes talking about this stuff with me ;)

**** PS: Here’s the link again to the Motley Fool article if you want to learn more: 10 Incredible Financial Statistics That Sum Up the Average American

Are You Financially Average? posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

0 notes

fesahaawit · 7 years ago

Text

Are You Financially Average?

Mornin’ mornin’!

Because why not, right? What else are we going to do today?

Stats are below in bold, followed by my own thoughts & answers… I’ll let you decide which areas you actually want to be average on, and which you don’t ;)

10 Financial Statistics of The Average American

#1. The average American gross household income is $71,258

#2. The average American household with debt owes $132,529

#3. The average American gave $5,491 to charity in 2015

#4. The average American has a FICO credit score of 700

#5. The average American’s 401(k) balance is $96,288

Here’s a cool graph Motley Fool included that breaks down the average totals by *age* – which is a much fairer comparison. It comes from Vanguard’s 2016 How America Saves report (PDF):

(For more thoughts around this, check out my postings on Twitter and Facebook where there were some pretty lively conversations going in response to this graph!)

#6. The average personal savings rate in the U.S. is 5.5%

Actual “savings” rate: 0% (all our extra money goes to maxing out retirement accounts and debt)

Investing rate: 26% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA)

Investing + debt pay off rate: 34% (SEP IRA, ROTH IRA, Car loan)

Verdict: above average

#7. Only 18% of Americans actively contribute to an IRA

#8. The average American’s tax refund in 2016 was $2,860.

Verdict: above average (not sure how to color code this, haha…)

#9. The average American pays an effective federal income tax rate of 13.5%

Per Investopedia:

An individual’s effective tax rate is calculated by dividing total tax expense from line 63 of his 1040 Form by his taxable income from line 43 of that form.

#10. The average American’s Social Security retirement benefit is $1,363/mo

(I like how “early retirement” is 62 btw… surely they haven’t come across FIRE blogs! ;))

You can easily access all your own social security stuff these days here: http://ift.tt/1Dgs85A (provided you remember your password!). It’s also helpful when trying to run your Lifetime Wealth Ratio too that I conjured up :) Divide your current net worth by your *total earnings* over your lifetime and see what % of it you still have left! Just make sure to have a box of tissues around as most time it’s pretty depressing, haha… Verdict: above average

#11. Bonus: The average American will spend $165.14 on Thanksgiving expenses this year (via LendEdu)

(my favorite all-time gift, given to me by Baby Penny!)

BTW, right before I went to publish this I got two more T-Day stats emailed to me, by Ebates:

22% off Americans plan to begin their Black Friday shopping online after Thanksgiving dinner

11% of Americans admit to shopping on their mobile phones during Thanksgiving dinner

Wow…

So there you have it! The average financial stats of your fellow man and woman :)

Where do you land? More average than below average? More below than above?

See this post here by Go Curry Cracker to see what I mean: Never Pay Taxes Again (hint: you’ll need to live on far less than you’re probably doing right now to pull this off)

Thanks for playing along! No one else in real life likes talking about this stuff with me ;)

**** PS: Here’s the link again to the Motley Fool article if you want to learn more: 10 Incredible Financial Statistics That Sum Up the Average American

Are You Financially Average? posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

0 notes