#after he left the 118 and then bobby wouldn’t let him transfer back right away

[itsactuallycorrine]

I see your ‘Buck gets mad at Eddie for the cheating/Kim delusions/being complicit in Eddie’s lies’ takes and I raise you:

Eddie feels cornered when confronted with his bad decisions and lashes out to push Buck away, hurting him as only a person who truly knows you can, and he essentially isolates himself

[canonicallyobserving911]

Background on Buck’s breakdown #2 of ?: Abandonment issues

Buck has a lot of abandonment issues that are contributing to his pending breakdown the same way his current identity crisis is contributing to it (related posts: Before Bucks Breakdown; Buck Breaks and Bucks Identity Crisis). Several people have left him over the course of his lifetime without telling him if or when they were going to return.  It’s difficult for him to understand that sometimes people leave but when they don’t return, it’s not his fault and it has nothing to do with anything he did or didn’t do.  He blames himself every time someone leaves and he tries to fix it by coercing them to return or by telling them that he will wait for them.  Buck avoids dealing with his own abandonment issues by trying to prevent people from leaving his life because in his mind it’s the right thing to do but he has to learn that some people will go away and it doesn’t matter what he does to try to fix it or stop it, if it’s their decision to leave, he has to let them go.  He should have learned about these types of situations when he was younger but his parents stunted his maturity when they emotionally abandoned him after he couldn’t save his brother.  Now Buck tries his best to get everyone he loves, likes or even tolerates to stay and it doesn’t matter to him how he or they will be affected by it.

With all his abandonment issues, it’s extremely clear that Buck has a problem with letting people go.  Therefore he’s not emotionally or mentally capable of being a sperm donor because when his previous actions are taken into consideration, it’s easy to see that he won’t be able to let go of a child that’s biologically his regardless of whether or not it’s legal for him to pursue custody (related post: Buck is currently emotionally and mentally incapable).  Buck won’t be able to let go because he’s incapable of doing it.  He believed his sister abandoned him first in 2004 when she told him she was going to move to Boston to live with Doug.  Then his first girlfriend abandoned him and he had a hard time adjusting especially after he told her he would wait for her to come back in 1x10 “A Whole New You”.  He waited for her for several months but she didn’t come back which forced him to let her go after he wrote her a letter in 2x7 “Haunted”. His sister Maddie showed up in 2x1 “Under Pressure” after he hadn’t heard from her for three years and she told him she was just passing through.  After Bobby was suspended in 2x16 “Bobby Begins Again”, Buck told him it was unacceptable for him to not know when he would be returning to the 118.  His second girlfriend abandoned him in 2x18 “This Life We Choose” after he was discharged from the hospital following the ladder truck explosion because she couldn’t handle his job as a firefighter.   Buck felt like he was going to be left behind after Red died in 3x16 “The One that Got Away” but Maddie reassured him that he wouldn’t be even though she had left him twice already. When Christopher ran away to Buck’s loft in 4x8 “Breaking Point”, he told Buck that people leave and he misses them but Buck told him that even though it’s sad and it hurts when people leave, they do sometimes return and then he told him that he wasn’t going anywhere.  Eddie was shot in 4x13 “Suspicion” and Buck told Bobby in 4x14 “Survivors” when he was being reprimanded for climbing up that crane without any protection that he couldn’t handle anyone else getting hurt.  After Maddie left in 5x3 “Desperate Measures” and Chimney left too and took Jee-Yun with him so that he could search for her in 5x4 “Home and Away”, Buck completely spiraled out of control, he blamed himself for the three of them being gone, he was convinced they left because he couldn’t fix it and he put so much pressure on himself that he tried to transfer out of the 118 in 5x5 “Peer Pressure”.  When Eddie quit the 118 in 5x10 “Wrapped in Red” Buck looked distraught and he overcorrected with girlfriend #3 by clinging to their relationship even though he was unhappy and knew it wasn’t right for them to be in a relationship. He asked her to move in with him in 5x11 “Outside Looking In” after he cheated and in 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia” when he finally told her about it, she said he trapped her there and left her without anywhere to go. She asked him if she was wrong for believing he trapped her and he said, “I’m not sure” and she responded, “At least that’s honest”.  He admitted to his sister in 5x13 that he had been clinging to his girlfriend because he was scared of being left again.

One of Buck’s biggest fears is that he will be left behind and die alone which causes him to overreact to people’s decisions to leave.  His reactions to people leaving are not the same as those from a person who is emotionally and mentally stable because a stable person fully understands the difference between being abandoned by someone when it is compared to a person leaving of their own free will.  Even though a lot of his abandonment issues started when he was young, he’s a grown man now which means he should be working towards healing along with getting a better understanding of his abandonment issues so that he can work on overcoming them.  His conversation with Christopher in 4x8 illustrated that he does understand that people can and do sometimes return but it appears he only applied that concept for Christopher’s well-being and understanding instead of his own.  Therefore Buck also has to learn that everything is not his fault.  He needs to return to therapy with Dr. Copeland or maybe change his therapist to Frank so that he can work through his abandonment issues because it’s obvious he hasn’t thought through all the particulars associated with the sperm donor proposal. In his current emotional and mental state, it’s unlikely he will be able to let go and keep his distance from the child which would be problematic for everyone involved.

GIF 4x5 “Buck Begins”

GIF 2x1 “Under Pressure”

GIF 1x10 “A Whole New You”

GIF 2x16 “Bobby Begins Again”

GIF 2x18 “This Life We Choose”

GIF 3x16 “The One that Got Away”

GIF 3x16 “The One that Got Away”

GIF 4x14 “Survivors”

GIF 5x4 “Home and Away”

GIF 5x5 “Peer Pressure”

GIF 5x5 “Peer Pressure”

GIF 5x10 “Wrapped in Red”

GIF 5x12 “Boston”

GIF 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”

GIF 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”

GIF “4x8 Breaking Point”

[nighting-gale17]

Rollercoaster

This is dedicated to the discord, for making me write this sad thing.

In this AU, Buck has been homeless since he joined the 118, struggling to send his money to his sister so she’s able to escape her good for nothing abusive husband. It was fun to write, but be warned, I was half asleep and we were fihgitng over popsicles so it’s not my best work.

Might delete later idk.

Here’s the link, but I also have the whole story under the cut:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19197472

“Come on, Bobby,” Buck pleaded, walking backwards in pace with Bobby as the older man walked in the station house. “I know you need the help with that shift since Tommy called off, man, just let me work.”

“No, Buck, and that’s final.” Bobby blew out an aggravated breath, stopping in his tracks and eyeing Buck critically. “You’ll be working a thirty six hour shift before that one and if you took it, that would be close to seventy two hours straight. No, not happening, out of the question.”

Buck clenched his jaw, searing for an argument in his head. He knew Bobby was right, he was already exhausted now anyway, he’d barely be standing on his feet if he took that shift but—he needed the money. And it was a night shift, which meant he wouldn’t have to find a place to sleep for the night. “Bobby—”

“No, Buck.” Bobby cut him off before he could even start talking. “I’m not changing my mind about this.” he was silent for a moment, his expression of annoyance turning into one of slight concern and his tone softened. “Why do you need this so much?”

“Whatever,” Buck scoffed lowly, turning on his heel away from the conversation with his hand shoved in his back pockets. He wasn’t about to have that conversation with anyone, least of all Bobby. He knew what he was doing. He knew the sacrifices he was making and he didn’t regret a single one.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Buck grabbed his duffle bag from where he’d left it laying on the couch. He gave the kitchen a second glance, hesitating when his eyes lingered on the fridge. It’d been a while since the last time he’d had something to eat—their lunch had been interrupted and they never got around to eating it with the back to back calls they had—and breakfast early this morning seemed like years ago to his cramping stomach.

His pay check had just come in, though, and he needed to transfer it to Maddie’s account but maybe he could keep a little to get a nice meal—

Buck gritted his teeth and forcedly shoved the thought from his mind, berating himself for even letting it worm into his head. Flashes of bruises and scars and hospitals visits flashed through Buck’s head and he sighed, reluctantly heading towards the fridge. Maddie needed that money a lot more than he did. He'd be fine, he thought as he grabbed one of the pre-made sandwiches from the fridge.  This would hold him over until his next shift in sixteen hours, it was selfish to even think about keeping it for himself when Maddie was literally fighting to survive locked up on that house.

His hunger wasn’t a big deal. He'd be fine, especially with this sandwich.

Closing the fridge door with his foot, Buck was about to take a huge bite of the sandwich when he heard Chimney’s voice behind him, “Yo, man, you’re eating again? Better watch it there, pal, might find yourself with a little extra padding.” he teased as he walked past Buck, patting him on the stomach as he headed towards the lounge.

Any hunger he did have vanished with that comment, and Chimney was teasing, Buck knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but… he glanced self-consciously down at his stomach and grimaced, slowly lowering the sandwich back onto the counter. His eating habits hadn’t been the greatest since he started funneling all of his money towards Maddie, not that they were ever great to begin with, but they were at least kind of healthy. Now, the only food that he got that wasn’t fast food was the food he got when Bobby cooked. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who saw the difference that was putting on his body.

Hiking his duffle on his shoulder, But quickly ducked out of the station house, leaving the sandwich abandoned on the table behind him.

If he hurried, maybe he could grab a spot at the shelter downtown before it filled up.

xxx

He didn’t get to the shelter in time.

His night was instead spent aimlessly driving around all night until the library opened and he was able to hide out there. He spent the time like he usually did, deciding to brush up on some of his literature this time around while he waited for the time to pass for his next shift. 

His hunger was easy to ignore after so long getting used to it, satisfying himself with the thought that Bobby will probably have a nice, warm meal ready for them when their shift started in a couple of hours. 

He was right.

Buck sneaked into the showers before he clocked into work, quickly slathering product through his hair to keep it slicked down before he, quite literally, bounced up the stairs where the meal and the rest of the team were waiting. It wasn’t quite anything special tonight, just some lasagna and a couple of side dishes but it was heaven to Buck, and he told Bobby as much.

“Man, I wish I could cook meals like this every day,” he said, with maybe just a touch of wistfulness to his tone.

“Not everyone can be a chef quite like Cap.” Hen agreed, misinterpreting his statement, but there was no way in hell Buck was about to correct her.

Yeah. He was totally talking about Bobby’s cooking skills, not just about having a kitchen to cook in. Because that would be suspicious. And suspicion meant people maybe started asking the wrong kind of right questions and Buck couldn't have them doing that right, not when he was so close to having enough to convince Maddie she would be safe and removed enough to get out of there.

“Is everything alright, Buck?” Bobby asked later after they were done eating and the two of them were washing the dishes while the others fought over control of the television.

Buck tried not to tense at the innocent question, but based on the sharp look in Bobby’s eyes he’s not sure he succeeded. “Yeah,” he said, casually as he could. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You seem a little more tired than usual.” Bobby murmured, concern lacing his voice. “You keep asking about getting more shifts and don't think I haven't seen you sneaking into the showers before your shift starts.” he sighed, and Buck saw him put his plate down on the rack and turn towards him. “What’s going on, Buck? I’m worried about you.”

He could help, a small voice said in the back of his head. All of them would help. They would give you a bed to crash on. They’re family.

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Buck’s never had good experience with family. He couldn’t see any situation where talking about this with his Captain would solve any of his problems. He still wouldn’t let him take more shifts and it’s not like he could just impose on him and Athena or anything, especially now that they were living together.

“I’m fine,” Buck said, smiling stiffly up at Bobby before resuming his furious scrubbing of the plate in the sink. “Everything’s fine.”

It’s not like he was completely exhausted all the time. Couldn’t remember the last time he had a decent sleep or a decent place to sleep. Had a hard time remembering what it felt like to be comfortably full—he was always either starving or stuffing himself because he didn’t know when his next meal was going to be. It’s not like his older sister was on the other side of the country, getting the shit beat out of her every night and making weekly trips to the hospital and there wasn't a single damned thing he could do about it—

A loud ‘crack’ broke him from his thoughts and he stared blankly at the sink in front of him. The plate he had been holding had shattered. Had he done that? 

“Shit, Buck,” Bobby cursed, quickly but gently reaching down and grabbing his hands and lifting them out of the pink water. “Don’t move.”

Bobby rushed off somewhere, but Buck wasn’t paying close attention. All he could focus on was the slow pattern the blood was making from the cuts on his hands down his wrists. It was captivating. Like watching a snake slither silently across the ground or watching a shark silently swim through the ocean. He’s seen a lot of those. Shark Week. Maddie used to love watching Shark Week with him. He was pretty sure she only watched it because of him, and he always loved those weeks, but then they didn't have them anymore because she was gone across the country and she left him and now she was dying—

He blinked as a soft white cloth wrapped around his hands, pulling him from where he had zoned out too. Bobby stood in front of him, his face lined with concentration as he gently tied up Buck’s hands in the white cloth and then wiped the blood off os his forearms.

“Sorry,” Buck muttered, suddenly remembering that this happened because he must have broken the plate. “I’ll pay for a new one.”

“Don’t.” Bobby shook his head, leading Buck over to the barstool at the counter and forcing him to sit down, his brown eyes were worried. “You can apologize by telling me what’s up with you.”

Buck hesitated, pressing his lips together in a tight line. He still wasn’t sure this was a good idea. “I’m just… stressed,” he said lamely, staring down at his hands fidgeting together in his lap.

“Stressed,” Bobby repeated, a little disbelievingly. “Come on, Buck. Listen, I’m your Captain, but,” he squeezed Buck’s wrist gently for emphasis, getting Buck to reluctantly look up into his gentle eyes. “You’re family. Let me help you.”

“I have a sister.” Buck began slowly, biting the inside of his cheek. “She’s on the other side of the country, stuck with an abusive asshole of a husband. I’ve been sending her almost all of my paycheck money to a separate bank account under her name.” he’s rambling now, but he can't stop. “I-I don’t have a choice, Bobby, I can’t just do nothing! He’s got such an iron grip on their finances she doesn’t have any of her own money to her name, all of it is under his, I’m the only chance she’s got to get out so I-I have to send her everything I have.”

Tears burned in his eyes, drinking down his cheeks as he felt himself begin to unravel. “I’ve almost got her enough money to get out of there, I just need a couple more paychecks and she’ll be able to leave but—I’m just so tired, Bobby.” Buck’s voice cracked slightly on his name, dropping his head into his hands. “She deserves so much more but I just don’t have enough. I’ve been trying to cut back where I can, but—”

“All you have to do is say something, Buck,” Bobby murmured comfortingly. “We can help you. you don’t have to work yourself down to the bone for this.”

Buck disagreed, after everything Maddie put herself through at their house before she ran away with Doug, she deserved so much more than he was able to give her. God, he couldn’t even pull his shit together enough to pay back even quarter of what he owes her. She raised him when his parents wanted to throw him out on the street. How does someone repay that?

“Come on,” Bobby said after a minute, wrapping an arm around Buck’s waist to get him on his feet. “Let’s get you back home, get some rest—some real rest— and then we can help you figure out how to help your sister.”

“Home?” Buck asked, confused as he stopped in his tracks and looked at Bobby. What home? He had no home, no place to live. And besides, he couldn’t just leave, he was in the middle of a shift!

“Yeah, back to your apartment, or are you still staying in Abby’s old place?” Bobby questioned, looking all for the world like he was about to get in his car and drive Buck back to a place that didn't exist.

“Bobby I—” Please don't make him say it. “I told you, all of my paychecks are going towards my sister. I have to help her.”

He could see the moment everything connected in Bobby’s head and he had to look away so he wouldn’t see the pity and several other emotions in those eyes that he didn't deserve. He couldn’t even take care of his sister. He doesn’t deserve any go the things Bobby is looking at him with right now.

“I’m fine,” Buck said quietly, wincing slightly as he clasped his hands together tightly. “Really. I’ve been in worse situations, it’s not the end of the world.”

“I think…” Bobby said slowly, softly, like he was talking to a cornered animal. “You should come home with me, have a bed to sleep on, and we can talk to Athena about helping your sister.” 

“Why?” Buck muttered, chancing a glance up. “It’s not going to change anything. The police can’t help her.”

“Maybe not,” Bobby allowed, placing his hands on Buck’s shoulder’s and staring at him intently. “But we can help you. Right now, you need to be your priority. You won’t be able to help your sister if you collapse from exhaustion before then.”

Buck wanted to argue. But he knew that look in Bobby’s eyes. He’s seen it in work, and it’s been used on him more times than he can even begin to count. He knew there was no getting out of this and… he wasn’t really sure he wanted to. Of course, it was humiliating that someone knew he was homeless, his cheeks burned at the very thought. But this was Bobby.

Family, right?

“Okay,” Buck relented, ignoring the way Bobby’s relieved smile made his chest warm up. The thought of a bed and food was too nice to pass up, and he was exhausted. “Thank you.”

“Anything for family, Buck,” Bobby said, throwing an arm over his shoulders and guiding him out of the station. “Anything.”

[canonicallyobserving911]

Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #15

Is it possible the CANON references to Eddie’s heart started before season 4? Heart Reference #15

There were many references to Eddie’s heart included at the end of season 4 and they continued throughout season 5.  But what if the references began during season 2 and continued through season 5? Let’s review the fifteenth reference to Eddie’s heart which includes his fear of being afraid which is called Phobophobia. It’s the cause of his pounding heart and all the things that he’s been afraid of, including himself, which led to his mental breakdown.

5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”

Eddie went back to therapy with Frank after Bobby told him to in 5x11 “Outside Looking In” during their conversation regarding Eddie’s attempt to transfer back to the 118. During his first session, Frank asked him, “What are you afraid of?” Eddie tried to deflect but said, “That’s a pretty open-ended question don’t you think? I mean I don’t love going to the dentist”.  Frank replied that him being afraid of the dentist didn’t make him yell at Bobby and Eddie explained how he had already apologized to Bobby for that and how he had been upset when it happened. Then Frank asked him why he yelled at Bobby and Eddie wouldn’t answer him.  Frank then asked him how Christopher was doing and Eddie opened right up.  He said, “Good. Good. He had a rough patch over the holidays but he’s doing good now”.  Then Frank explained how he knows that Eddie worries about Christopher and Eddie asked him if that was a problem.  Frank said, “Not at all. I just wonder if you worry about your own well-being.  You’re a man who spends all his time managing other people’s pain.  Army medic, firefighter, father but not a lot of time facing your own".  Eddie explained how an old drill sergeant told him that “Pain is nothing but weakness leaving the body” and Frank said, “You think pain is weakness?” and Eddie said, “It can be, if you give in to it”.  That’s when Frank told him that he couldn’t keep putting all his feelings into a box because the box will blow open once it became full. Eddie sarcastically replied, “And take me with it” and Frank said, “You and anyone else around you”.  Eddie then asked what he should do about it and Frank told him to talk about his pain with people who experienced it with him.  Frank then explained how he should talk about his first trauma with someone who can understand what he’s been through.

A woman who couldn’t feel fear was almost attacked by a robber at the gas station but she sprayed the robber with gasoline and apologized to the gas station attendant before she left. Athena responded to the 9-1-1 call at the gas station and she talked to Ruth who then showed her the surveillance footage.  Athena went to investigate at Pauline’s house where her sister also lives.  Her sister told Athena that Pauline hadn’t been herself lately.  Pauline went to the top of the recycling plant to commit suicide and the 118 was dispatched to the scene.  Her suicide attempt was all over the news and Eddie was watching from the dispatch center. He turned on his radio to listen to Pauline and Josh’s conversation.  Pauline said, “I can’t function like this. Nothing means anything anymore. I feel like I am coming out of my skin literally”.  Hen realized that Pauline could be suffering from a disease that affects the brain after she talked with Athena, learned more about her symptoms and after she looked at Pauline through a pair of binoculars.  She told Cap she had an idea then Josh patched Hen through so that she could talk to Pauline.  Eddie was still listening when Pauline said, “I feel empty. If I operate out of fear and it goes away, how am I supposed to operate?” Hen explained how she believed Pauline had a disease which was affecting her ability to be afraid. Pauline explained how she was broken but how she might feel something on the way down after she jumped. Buck and Ravi saved her from jumping and Eddie was still listening during the rescue.

Eddie called some of the people he served with in the Army so that he could complete his therapy assignment but that’s when he learned everyone, he served with had died.  He became so enraged that he smashed all his bedroom furniture with a baseball bat and punched holes in the walls with his fists. Christopher was in his bedroom playing video games but he heard the noise so he stopped playing to go see what was happening.  He knocked on Eddie’s door and tried to open it but it was locked.  Christopher called Buck to tell him something was wrong and Buck rushed over.  After he arrived, he entered Eddie’s house, walked down the hall and asked Chris if he was ok.  Christopher said, “He won’t come out. I keep calling him but he won’t answer.” Buck said, “Uh. Ok, well you just wait here”.  Buck knocked on Eddie’s bedroom door and said, “Eddie. It’s me” but Eddie didn’t respond.  Buck explained that he was going to come in and then he broke down Eddie’s bedroom door but when he entered all he saw was destruction.  He called for Eddie twice and then Eddie starting crying.  Buck rushed over to ask him what was going on and Eddie said, “They’re all dead!” and Buck asked, “Who’s all dead?” Then Eddie said, “Everybody that I saved. They’re all dead” and he kept repeating they’re all dead.  After Buck put Christopher to bed, Eddie was in the dining room waiting for him.  Eddie asked him if Christopher was ok and Buck said that he was scared out of his mind and that he was too.  Eddie said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare him. I just kind of lost it”.  Buck asked him why and Eddie explained the therapy assignment Frank had given him. He continued by explaining how everyone he served with died after they came back to the United States; one person overdosed, another one died in a car crash and how Mills shot herself last August. He told Buck that even though he got them all out of the helicopter, he didn’t save them.  He then said he was afraid and Buck asked, “What are you afraid of?” and Eddie replied, “That I’m never gonna feel normal again”.

Parallels

Therapy

During Eddie’s first therapy session in 3x9 “Fallout”, he really didn’t want to be there so he vaguely answered a lot of Frank’s questions and that parallels with the way he answered questions when he returned to therapy in 5x13.  Frank asked Eddie what he was afraid of and he started talking about how it was an opened question that he then compared with a trip to the dentist.  At least in 3x9 he responded truthfully with how he didn’t want to be there but Frank learned during their very first session that the only way Eddie would open up in therapy would be whenever he talked about Christopher.  He told Frank that he didn’t want Christopher to grow up to be like him and that parallels with Eddie’s therapy session in 5x13.   After Frank asked Eddie a question about why he blew up at Bobby and he wouldn’t answer, Frank remembered the best way to make Eddie talk is to discuss Christopher so he asked, “How’s Christopher?” Eddie explained how Christopher had a rough time at Christmas and after that Eddie finally started talking about himself.

Eddie has always used Christopher as a shield instead of talking about himself when he’s asked a direct question about how he’s doing.  He did it during his conversations with Shannon several times after she returned. In 2x13 “Fight or Flight”, he told her “You brought everything I needed” after she brought Christopher to the hospital while they were waiting to hear news about Chimney. Eddie told her that she could leave since she brought Christopher to him but she said that she wanted to stay and he didn’t look thrilled at the fact that she was staying there with him.  He did it again in 2x17 “Careful What You Wish For” during their conversation at the restaurant when he told her that being Christopher’s father taught him more about being a man than the Army ever could have and that was the same conversation that Shannon told him she thought they should get a divorce.

Eddie did the same thing with Buck in 3x1 “Kids Today” when he took Christopher to Buck’s loft and told Buck it was because Christopher doesn’t feel sorry for himself when in actuality, he took Christopher there because he was worried about Buck just like Bobby had been.  In 3x3 “The Searchers” Eddie took Christopher back to Buck’s loft and told him, after Buck felt like he failed Eddie and Christopher when they got separated in the Tsunami, “Why because you think you failed? I fail that kid more times than I care to count and I’m his father. But I love him enough to never stop trying and I know you do too” instead of him just telling Buck that he loves him. During their argument in the grocery store in 3x5 “Rage” Eddie used Christopher as a shield again when he said, “Do you know how much Christopher misses you? How could you, you’re not around!” instead of him just telling Buck that he missed him.

Eddie did it again during his conversation with Bobby in 3x8 “Malfunction” when he said, “Christopher needs me to be in control. He’s already lost one parent and I can’t let him down again” instead of him just explaining how he likes to be in control so that he doesn’t get hurt and to protect his own heart from being broken.  In 5x3 “Desperate Measures” during his breakup conversation with Ana, he used Christopher as a shield again when he said, “Chris loves you so much” instead of him just telling Ana that he didn’t love her.    

What are you afraid of?

When Frank asked Eddie, “What are you afraid of?” Eddie responded with “That’s a pretty open-ended question don’t you think? I mean I don’t love going to the dentist”. But when Buck asked Eddie the same question after his breakdown, Eddie responded, “That I’m never gonna feel normal again.”  Why was Eddie quickly and easily able to answer Buck’s question but he wouldn’t answer that question when his therapist asked?  Frank gets paid to listen to him but he wouldn’t answer the question.  The reason is Buck is half of Eddie’s heart and he’s the only person Eddie has ever allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of and he knows Buck will love him anyway even when he cries or loses control. Also, Buck knows the real Eddie just like Eddie knows the real Buck.

Buck has always been able to make Eddie talk even when he wouldn’t talk to anyone else.  Buck knows exactly what to say and how to get him to open up and he doesn’t have to mention Christopher to make Eddie talk to him. In 3x6 “Monsters”, Buck told Eddie, “I just want you to talk to me. Even if it’s just to let me know that you’re still mad” and Eddie said, “I’m not mad, I’m…”.  Eddie was so hurt by Buck’s abandonment that he couldn’t even finish his sentence. During their conversation, neither of them mentioned Christopher but they did talk a lot about “Us” which could have been them talking about the two of them separately from the 118 or all of them together collectively at the 118.

Buck made Eddie talk again in 3x9 “Fallout” after he apologized for the second time when he told Eddie that he was sorry for not being there for him and Chris. They had a long conversation after Buck’s apology and Buck asked Eddie all the right questions and made the right assumptions to make him talk about the fighting he had been doing in that illegal fight club. Buck has an innate ability to get Eddie to talk about his own feelings instead of using Christopher as a shield and he’s been the only one in CANON to be successful at it.  Therapy has caused Eddie to be more open regarding his feelings and he still has a lot trauma left to unpack but he’s finally working on himself and that is what’s important (read blog post: “Eddie Diaz:  He’s going to therapy so that he can be better for himself” for more about Eddie’s therapy).

Phobophobia

Hen explained the definition of Phobophobia during her monologue as “The fear of being afraid. “The terror that comes from imagining the pounding of your heart, the racing of your pulse and the ensuing loss of control”.

The part she described as “the pounding of your heart” parallels with Eddie’s panic attacks because he described his first panic attack to Dr. Salazar as what he believed to have been a heart attack.  She was the one who told him that panic attacks often present as heart attacks.  That’s why he mistook his panic attack for a heart attack when in actuality it was his mind trying to tell him that he needed to deal with all of the things he’s been hiding from (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #5” for more information on the things Eddie’s been hiding).

The part of Hen’s monologue that said, “the racing of your pulse and the ensuing loss of control” parallels with Eddie’s need to always be in control.  In 3x8 “Malfunction” Eddie told Bobby that Christopher needs for him to be in control and that parallels with 5x13 because Eddie lost control when he had his breakdown and Christopher was there when he had it. His heart could no longer contain all of the things he’s tried to bury in it which means he has to start facing his past, including himself and figure out who he is instead of who he thinks people want him to be.  His job at dispatch as the LAFD liaison for their Twitter account gave him too much time to think about his past and that’s what he’s spent years avoiding.  When he was an active firefighter, their grueling work schedules allowed Eddie to ignore all of the things he put in a box inside of his mind because he was going from one call to the next.  If they weren’t on a call, he was in the gym working out.  Also the last time he and Buck were separated at work after Buck’s lawsuit, Eddie joined an illegal fight club so that he could lose control if only for a few minutes (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #14” for more information about Eddie’s fighting and how he used it as a way to lose control).

Eddie’s actual heart is related to all the pain he’s experienced in his past and even though he’s tried to move forward, he couldn’t do it anymore.  He broke down and smashed all the furniture in his bedroom and punched his walls with his fists because his heart was broken and he felt like he couldn’t go on. Pauline said, “I can’t function like this. Nothing means anything anymore. I feel like I am coming out of my skin, literally” and “I feel empty. If I operate out of fear and it goes away, how am I supposed to operate?”  Eddie was listening to her talk with Hen through his radio and his facial expressions showed how he was relating to the things she said.

When Pauline said that she couldn’t function like that and that nothing means anything, it paralleled with what Eddie told Frank about how he usually feels during his first therapy session in 3x9 “Fallout”.  He said, “It’s not normal, right? I have these moments that are good. We save somebody from dying, my kid does something awesome and its moments where I should be happy or proud or both. I know that. I just don’t feel it.”  Eddie stopped his actual heart from feeling anything a long time ago and based on his reactions to his trauma related incidents, it started way before he went to the Army.  It’s possible he’s not ready to face his first trauma related incident but that remains to be seen in his future therapy sessions.

Eddie projects all the love he wants to feel for himself through Christopher and since he knows that Buck loves Christopher just like he does, he won’t have to worry about Christopher if something happens to him since he named Buck to be Christopher’s legal guardian in his will.  But Buck also loves Eddie and Eddie knows that but he just hasn’t allowed himself to feel like he’s worthy enough to be the recipient of it.  Eddie loves Buck too but he’s spent too many years listening to other people’s opinions about who he should love and the type of relationship he should have.  By doing that, he’s denied himself the opportunity to receive the greatest love of all from Buck, who is the love of his life.  The Shooting caused them to be emotionally distant from each other because they were faced with losing it all and it caused them to retreat because the love they have for each other is so big it scares them.  This is the first time either of them has ever been in love even though they were in relationships before, they were able to find something in each other they couldn’t find with anyone else (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: "Their First Time Being in Love" for more information about Buck and Eddie’s first time being in love).

When Buck entered Eddie’s bedroom and he couldn’t see him, he panicked but it wasn’t anything like when he panicked at The Well.  It was a quiet panic as he called out to Eddie two times because he thought Eddie was dead.

Buck wasn’t there during Eddie’s breakdown like he had been when Eddie got trapped in The Well in 3x15 “Eddie Begins”.

Or like he was there when Eddie got shot by the sniper in 4x13 “Suspicion”.

He was also there when Mitchell held Eddie hostage in 5x6 “Brawl in Cell Block 9-1-1” and he heard the gun shot which made him think Eddie had been shot again.  Buck’s facial expression was completely different in 5x13 because he was trying to mentally prepare himself to see Eddie’s lifeless body. Eddie didn’t start crying until he heard Buck call out to him.  He tried his best to remain quiet so that he wouldn’t scare Christopher but when he heard Buck’s voice, he knew Buck was going to help him “fix it” because that’s what Buck does, right? Eddie told Buck in 5x4 “Home and Away”, “You’re the guy who always likes to fix things” and in 5x18 “Starting Over” he responded with, “Fix it?” after Buck was talking about Bobby and the guilt he was carrying after the Jonah situation. Even though Buck should know by now that he can’t fix everything, he definitely knows that he loves Eddie, Eddie loves him too and that he’ll sacrifice everything to help heal Eddie and he proved that in 5x14 “Dumb Luck” after he organized The Buckley-Diaz Family outing to Equine Therapy (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie vs. Hen & Chimney: Relationship vs. Friendship” for more information on how Buck tried to help heal Eddie after his breakdown).  Buck never gives up on Eddie and Eddie told him that too in 5x2 “Desperate Times” when Buck kept pestering him about what was wrong with him.  Eddie told him, “You never give up do you? I’m fine Buck” when he really wasn’t fine because he had been having panic attacks (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Eddie said, “You never give up, do you?” or 6 times Buck wouldn’t give up on him & Eddie” for more information on how Buck won’t give up on Eddie).  Buck wasn’t going to let Eddie break without being there to help him pick up the pieces.

Eddie has spent several years avoiding the things he believed would break his heart so he used Christopher as a shield to protect himself.  He never allows himself to be happy because he’s spent too much time allowing others, including his parents, to tell him what he should want instead of him focusing on the things he wants for himself.  He’s in therapy now and working on being better for himself but there are still a lot of things he needs to unpack, including all his firefighting related traumas. Coincidentally, he experienced all those traumas with Buck; therefore they will have to talk about those things including how scared they are of losing each other before they can move forward as a romantic couple.  

Will Eddie be ready to admit the things that he’s been hiding in his heart for several years during season 6? Will he finally be ready to talk to Buck about The Shooting? Or will they have to go to therapy together in order to start that conversation?  Only the showrunners, writers and producers know the answers to those questions.

Additional references for Eddie’s heart will be posted daily.

Links to “Heart References” posts

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #1”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #2 & 3” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #4, 10 & 16” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #5” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #6” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #7” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #8” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #9” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #11” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #12” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #13” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #14”