#actually being queer doesn't disrupt my life

[truestfeeiing]

wait im actually gonna cry thinking abt light yagami and the eternal loneliness of performative non-queerness

[uthseikoashx-goingmyway]

things in IWTV season 2 i'd lose my mind if it actually happens (or when. because some of those things will happen.). sorry for the mistakes btw

1. Claudeleine romantic relationship

Claudia finally having a vampire lover she can be herself with. the romantic & sexual tension. the heart to heart Louis and Claudia would have before changing Madeleine. the yearning. the tragic ending. the change of dynamics in the De Pointe du Lac family. the disruption of it all.

2. an exploration of Armand's relationship to religion, faith and God

specially in 2022. past religious crisis. how he articulates his vampire nature, his faith and his despair. lots of hints of TVA. God and art. religion, Armand and Louis. his religion (conversion from being christian to being muslim in this universe? if so, why?). "i serve, a God," would you mind to develop?

3. dramatic irony about Daniel's past and Devil's Minion

the rent boy. Daniel actually realising he had been a dick about that. "oh." after understanding the irony of it all. Armand talking in riddles and hinting at something Daniel is totally ignorant of. young Daniel's life and messy, loving and weird relationship with Armand. some activism. 2022 Daniel getting old, sicker and sicker. laughs. angst. tension. yearning. longing stares. petty remarks. revelations.

4. Loumand complex relationship

the love and the suffering. how they are both deeply attached to each other. how they show their care. the place Lestat holds right in the middle. how they deal with Claudia's death. what Louis really thinks about it. the tension. the yearning. how their relationship actually developed. the extent of Louis' memory alteration and how it plays a role into their dynamics. the after: how Armand helped Louis. messy divorce vibes. petty moves. to what extent their relationship is doomed. how one person can love several persons and in different ways, and how complex and delicate it is.

5. The Groan™

what is that. a metaphor for sexual arousal? Lestat scratching the walls? Rashid trapped? some clues. what the fuck.

6. Antoinette alive and kicking

and coming back right on time for the trial, because it would be 1) so fucking funny 2) utterly tragic, considering Claudia would be killed for killing nobody.

7. amazing outfits

amazing outfits

8. lots of french

i'm french

9. Claudia and Armand's relationship

Claudia being protective of Louis. Armand dealing with it. some sort of bond rivalry. both of them aware that something's wrong with the other. Armand and Claudia's similarities being acknowledged (age, killing a human they loved — Charlie, Ricardo — and complex situation regarding their maker), even a possibility for some kind of understanding and compassion (making the end more tragic). Armand seeing a some of Lestat in Claudia. Claudia seeing Armand's love for Lestat. a common love for theater and spectacular shows. that awful experience before Claudia's death.

10. Louis and memories

the photos he takes (where are they in 2022? will they clash with Louis' tale?). the metatextual dimension of themes such as: unreliable narration, memories and perspective, autofiction. Daniel calling out Louis' avoiding strategies. Louis calling out Daniel's rudeness and biais. how Louis really sees his relationship with Claudia? the gap between Louis' and Armand's recalling. a deeper exploration of his superimposed identities (black, queer, american man; in 1940, 1973, 2022). learning how to trust someone new after being abused. the rain metaphors. Louis saying the most poetic and heartbreaking thing you'll ever heard. his relationship to vampirism as he joins Armand's coven. grief and loss of a family member. hallucinations and how they are filmed / manifesting. guilt. loving Claudia and Armand. loving Lestat, still. etc.

tysm for coming to my tedtalk. it was very self-indulgent but very much pleasant. i won't be mad if it doesn't happen (obviously!), or not like i imagine. still, it's fun to imagine and put that here on tumblr. no shame on lestat, i just have no special things i'm waiting for about him, and will be very happy indeed to see him again. salut

[wen-kexing-apologist]

ngl i am waiting for you to write about physical touch and HANDS in last twilight *insert manifestation circle.gif here*

Not gonna lie, as much as I have been enjoying Last Twilight, I haven't felt all that inspired to write about it, but it has been making me feel all warm and fuzzy now that people are reaching out and asking for my thoughts. Turns out people actually seem to enjoy my horrendously long posts!

Alright, I will talk about physical touch and hands in Last Twilight, but before I get too far in to it, I just want to say, I love the use of physical touch in shows, but I will dare to claim the use of physical touch seems particularly important, and especially complicated in Last Twilight, compared to most of the other shows I've written about. Why?

Because Day is blind, and Mhok is his caretaker, and if you are remotely aware of disability, the autonomy of disabled people, the privacy of disabled people, the survival of disabled people are often disrupted by abled bodied people. I saw a post somewhere, sorry I can't find it, where someone mentioned the rates of abuse of disabled people by their caretakers and how that might weigh in to Day's reaction to touching a shirtless Mhok in Episode 2.

So.

With Day's blindness, grief, and intentional isolation, as well as his family's anxiety, how much control has Day really had over his own life in the last year? As @bengiyo said in Episode 1, "Day's brashness in the interview when he asks Mhok if he's hot sounds like a gay man knowing that he is about to be touched a lot by a stranger" [not a direct quote, apologies].

Episode 1

gif from @dragonsareawesome123

The first physical touch we get between Day and Mhok is when Mhok touches Day's chin, making a comment that essentially boils down to Day having a punchable face. You can see how shocked Day is to feel Mhok's thumb on him. But the motion is quick, light, and slightly flirty (though maybe I'm reading a bit in to that last one since I know this is a BL). While Day seems taken aback, he doesn't seem uncomfortable with the touch at all, moreso, to me at least, he seems surprised that Mhok *isn't* shying away from touching Day after Day so loudly and blatantly declared his queerness and hit on Mhok.

photo from @thescrumptiousstuffs

The second physical touch we get is when Day leaves his car and winds up on the street with traffic whizzing past. Mhok pulls Day off the street when Day gets overwhelmed and Day goes crashing in to Mhok. I don't remember them staying pressed together for too long, but there is a moment where Mhok is embracing Day. Mhok's hands go to Day's hips while Day's hand rests on Mhok's chest near his collarbone. From my view, this is a decently intimate position for relative strangers, but they don't feel uncomfortable in it. Which is a great hint that Mhok and Day are going to become more to each other. Mhok does something here that I do think is important, which is to tell Day who is he, so Day knows he isn't being manhandled by a *complete* stranger. And though I suspect the biggest reason why Day ends up being driven home by Mhok is because Day wants to be away from Night, it cannot be denied that Day already has some modicum of trust in this random, crass man that burst in for an interview just the other day. Because, as we know, Mhok was really the only person who interacted with Day without falling victim to pity, inspiration porn, or infantilization.

The third physical touch I consider important is when Day's mother stops him from standing up. I've been reading @waitmyturtles PhD level thesis on Bad Buddy so filial piety and saving face is pretty present on my mind. I think it is important to acknowledge that Day does have some autonomy, but where he exercises it is very clear. He can leverage his blindness and his bad experiences with past caretakers to get what he wants out of his mother, and he can double, triple, quadruple the caretaker salary without consulting his mother. But when it comes to physical movement, he listens to his mother, but not to Night. Night tells him to stay in the car, and Day almost immediately leaves the car and goes in to the Society. Day gets out in the middle of traffic after a fight with Night, even after Night begs him to stay in the car. But that moment of challenge from Mhok where he tells Day to come get his ID himself, and Day starts to stand, everything stops dead in its tracks at the first light touch of his mother's hand on Day's chest. So, despite the moments of anger and rebellion we see from Day, he still listens to his mother.

gif from @dragonsareawesome123

And then Day moves to get his ID, and here is where I will mention a moment where there was not any touch. Which, probably could be an essay in and of itself, but I don't have the capacity at the moment, on this airplane, to comb through all the scenes and look for it. But here, this one feels important, because Day takes the ID from Mhok, but Mhok does not let go right away. Their fingers are so close, and in a lot of movies, the handing over of an item would usually involve some sort of moment where fingertips brush and a shockwave of electricity ripples through the future couple. But we don't get that here. The moment of connection, the moment that Day really knows he can trust Mhok, the moment Day decides he is going to hire Mhok has nothing to do with touch, and everything to do with sound. He hears Mhok read Chapter 21 of The Little Prince, a book that is desperately important to Day, and that is that. And I do think it is important that these little touches that we've had, and where we break from the romance tradition for touch are important. Because, I think it is totally fine for feelings to grow between Mhok and Day rather quickly, but I do not think it would have been wise to show Mhok having some sort of actual crush on Day from the beginning. If Mhok had some sort of romantic or sexually attractive feelings for Day before he started working there, that would, in my opinion, read as predatory in some sense. Especially looking ahead to Episode 2, when Mhok is shirtless in Day's room.

Because, the thing about physical touch in television is that a lot of different elements go in to selling it as romantic chemistry. One of the most important components is timing and close up. As a side note, I think timing is a huge factor in to why I did not enjoy Perth and Chimon together in Dangerous Romance (before I dropped it) because the camera just never lingered long enough on their faces or on their touches for me to believe they had feelings for each other. But, by Episode 3 of Last Twilight I can see the care and the chemistry between Mhok and Day. I can see the comfortability that Mhok and Day have from almost the very beginning of knowing each other, but I don't take much of their physical interactions to be sexually charged or romantic in Episode 1. Why would they be? These two don't know each other. By generally avoiding zooming in on just Day and Mhok's hands when they touch, by having Mhok grabbing Day's chin with his thumb quickly and lightly you aren't building to tension. Aof is merely demonstrating that physical touch between Day and Mhok is welcomed and Day is not going to be uncomfortable with having Mhok take care of him.

So we head in to Episode 2 with the understanding that there is some fundamental aspect of Mhok that Day is drawn to, and that Mhok and Day are going to get along.

Episode 2

Now, as much as I have loved the rapidly developing relationship between Mhok and Day, I do kind of wish we had had a full episode's worth of two angry, grieving people coming head to head. But, regardless, Aof handles the transition between casual touch and Something More with expert precision. Unsurprising, considering his oeuvre.

gif by @mooninaugust

So we get absolutely my favorite touch moment to date in Episode 2 with the absolutely terrible secret handshake between two blind people. I love how Mhok is witness to this moment of excitement and friendship between Day and Aon, and that we are too. Because it shows us where Mhok currently stands in Day's hierarchy of relationships. Mhok at the beginning of Episode 2 is still an acquaintance, some dude they hired because he cursed the family out and read The Little Prince during his interview process. The cut scene between Mhok saying Day might not want to see him, and Aon and Day hugging and doing their stupid loser handshake (I love them) shows Mhok and the audience that Day does have joy within him, and that Day is starting to build friendship and connection within his new (read: blind) community. We won't know until a little later in the episode how much Day has been cutting himself off from his old life, but for the time being Mhok knows his place in Day's life.

And Aon picks up on the fact that there is *something* even if it is not necessarily romantic there between Mhok and Day, again not by seeing anything physical between them because a) Mhok and Day did not touch in front of Aon and b) Aon would not have been able to see it anyway. But instead calls out the fact that Day has never talked about a single one of his caregivers before. We know now (and definitely should know already) that Mhok is different from other people Day has engaged with since he started going blind. We just haven't had time for their relationship to mature.

photo from @thatgirl4815

If I recall correctly, the first physical touch between Mhok and Day we get in Episode 2 is when Day accidentally touches Mhok's titty while searching for the eye drops. You can see Day recoil in shock a bit and he questions Mhok almost immediately as to why his shirt is off. Mhok is incredibly matter-of-fact in explaining that Day said he didn't like the smell of cigarettes, so he took his shirt off so as not to stink up Day's room (we can ignore the fact that he would still smell like cigs, but we ignore it For The Vine) and Day relaxes and makes some sort of annoyed comment. Again here, there is no romantic attraction in this rather intimate touch. I mean, this is Mhok's what? Second or third day? Mhok and Day barely know each other, Mhok is constantly fucking up the Whole Routine because he isn't communicating with Day about what Day's needs are, and here he is in his employer's room having his pec fondled. This is supposed to read as funny, and ultimately I think it does, but it doesn't read as romantic, and it definitely should not. What has Mhok done up to this point that would cause Day to have Genuine Romantic Feelings for him? Nothing.

photo from @moonchildridden

Again, the first hint that feelings may be approaching comes outside of the touch, with Mhok seeing how excited Day is to use those few precious seconds of better vision to watch his goldfish. And even moreso, it's not just the action that I think start the train rolling, but the conversation that Mhok has with Day where he asks if the goldfish is lonely. Mhok is able to con Day in to leaving his room by leveraging the health and safety of one of the few things Mhok has seen Day care about and connect with in the short time they've known each other. Day gets outside for the first time in god knows how long, to find that the jasmine is in bloom and to have a lovely conversation with Mhok about it. Mhok asks about Day's vision, how he sees, what he can see, and he tries to adapt to Day's necessary distance requirements. Day of course, has his head turned away and thus does not see Mhok coming in to Day's eyesight range, and bumps his nose against the top of Mhok's finger.

This little, accidental movement is one of my favorites of the episode, mostly because it opens up the conversation where Day asks what Mhok is doing and Mhok asks if Day wants to see his face. And this scene establishes exactly what I mean about timing as it relates to building sexual tension. Day ponders for a moment, the camera lingers on his face, the audience begins to feel like Day is caught off-guard, like maybe he does have some sort of crush on Mhok and he does want to see his face. Only for Day to break that tension right before it gets awkwardly long and tell Mhok he does not. This is closer to the shit that friends would pull. And thus we see that in a very quick period of time Mhok is becoming more important in Day's life as a waypoint. He is listening to Mhok, he has a slight bit of banter going with Mhok when they watch a movie, and even after Day fires Mhok (for the physical touches I will talk about next) Mhok's influence on Day's general day to day (haha) existence is clear in the fact that Day is sitting on the couch and trying to pick a movie entirely independently of anyone.

Things are starting to go smoothly, when Day's friends show up asking when he got back from America. Day panics at the unexpected arrival of friends who seem not to know about his condition, spills his popcorn, and falls to the floor, where he is desperately scrambling to get back on his feet and Get The Fuck Out. Mhok tries to help him up, but he's pretty quickly brushed off. This is the first time we see Day reject a touch from Mhok. Knowing what I know now about where we end up in Episode 3, I am realizing how important this entire scene (from Day tripping to Mhok getting fired) is for establishing a comparison point for change. Because the unwanted touch continues when Mhok breaks in to Day's room, also in a panic when Day is bathing.

gif by @btwinlines

We get such a juicy moment of Mhok and Day's trauma clashing with each other in a way that is unintentionally terrible all around. Day does not know about Mhok's backstory, Day does not know that by putting in his headphones and intentionally ignoring Mhok he is accidentally triggering Mhok regarding the death of his sister. Mhok knows that Day is upset, but only hears the room fall quiet, he does not know that Day is in the bathtub (read: naked) when he comes barging in. Again, to reference the post whoever it was made that talked about the rates of abuse/assault of disabled people by caregivers, this is a horrifically vunerable position that Day finds himself in. Mhok is far enough away from Day's range of vision for Day to see him immediately duck behind a wall to give Day privacy while he wraps himself in a towel. And before Day can really process what is happening, with both his emotions and Mhok's running high, Mhok is grabbing at Day's wrists to check them for cuts. A beautiful (and terrible) detail.

Personally, I do not think anyone's reaction to that situation is wrong, but it does give Day a second round of extremely uncomfortable and unwelcome touching from Mhok, when he's already escalated, and trying to process the fact that Mhok just barged in to his room while Day was naked and got a little peek. Here Day demonstrates that he does have autonomy, and that Mhok respects that autonomy with Day firing Mhok after two particularly awful physical interactions, and with Mhok not even saying a word in protest and just accepting his termination and leaving the house.

photo from @thescrumptiousstuffs

Now. Mhok isn't completely going out fighting, and Mhok I think has really started to realize that he cares for Day (even if he doesn't necessarily have feelings at this point) because of how badly he was triggered by Day falling silent. Mhok is a thoughtful person and respects Day's boundaries by sending Porjai to the house instead of going himself. Much to Day's chagrin, because the second the doorbell rings, you can see this hopeful look that maybe Mhok is going to walk through that door. Porjai hands Day the present Mhok bought him, and Mhok does hold the slippers close, but he relies heavily on his hands to feel the slippers to figure out what they are and what they look like. He knows immediately that Mhok has been paying attention and trying to get to know Day immediately because the slippers solve the problem Day has had with hitting his feet on furniture corners, and the slippers look like goldfish, one of the few things Day has seemed to care about since knowing Mhok.

Beyond the fact that I think Day already felt bad about what happened the other day and regrets firing Mhok, this really does demonstrate to Day that people still care about him, want to get to know him, and understand that adaptation is a constant in Day's new reality. But Mhok takes it further, by committing to the motherfucking bit to understand Day better.

Aside: I fucking *love* Aof for how often his stories focus on the overlooked or disenfranchised people, and I think that while it is going to be a feat for Last Twilight to become my favorite Aof piece considering how important Moonlight Chicken is to me, the backstories of Mhok and Day and the way they inform character decisions is perhaps my favorite of all of the shows I've seen of Aof's. I *love* the conversation that Mhok and Aon have where Aon says Day is scared of being looked at and judged by people, and how Mhok is like "why?" because he has spent the last year a visible criminal, trying to get a job, and being constantly rejected for exactly the reason he thinks. Mhok has spent so much time and energy over the last year trying to reintegrate himself in to society, while Day has spent so much time and energy over the last year trying to remove himself from society as completely as he can. Even if I am not sure that he believes it wholly, I do think Mhok understands that he isn't an inherently bad person because he was locked up, but that he is a victim of circumstance, and yet even reformed from his truancy past, Mhok found it impossible to get a job because people stopped caring about him as a person the second they saw his ankle monitor. Thus, Mhok knows exactly what it is like to be written off, to be abandoned, to be forgotten and I think it is for precisely those reasons that Mhok decides to spend the time and effort to understand the world that Day is living in.

The ankle monitor has served as an embarrassment for Mhok in such a way that I truly do not think Mhok is concerned about seeming like a complete and utter fool. And even so, he starts to understand the fear that Day is living with existing as a blind person in public, because Mhok is extremely used to seeing what people think of him without them having to say anything, and now he has no idea.

gif by @btwinlines

Which I think is a good segue in to the next physical touch we get, which is Day feeling Mhok's face in the marketplace after he asks Porjai to take him there. Again, the distance of the camera, the timing of the movement does not come off as romantic, at least to me. But it does come off as comfortable. I think Day is fucking with Mhok a little bit when he touches his face, and we don't actually acknowledge or get any conversation around the way Day has just demonstrated what it feels like to be touched without warning.

And YET AGAIN Aof has their bond strength not through touch, but through conversation. Because they aren't falling for each other yet, they are still learning about one another. And so they have a conversation where Mhok apologies and Mhok explains what he was trying to do and Mhok identifies what it is that makes Day so afraid of being in public. And we end Episode 2 with Mhok being re-hired as Day's caregiver. But wait!

Remember the last touch we get in Episode 1 is not a touch at all, it's Day taking his ID back from Mhok. Well, the last touch we get in Episode 2 is not a touch at all, it's Day throwing his hands to the sky on the back of Mhok's motorcycle and letting the wind hit his face. It's Day sitting on the complete opposite side of a glass tank, and using his moment of improved vision to catch a glimpse of Mhok. They aren't touching, yet we end the episode with the understanding that Day and Mhok have strengthened their relationship and are on the fast road to friendship. Personally, I feel like it is extremely responsible of Aof to not treat touching a blind person or having a blind person touch you as inherently romantic, and to have the more stomach swoopy moments come from actions and observations entirely devoid of touch. But, I'm not blind so I don't know how much something like that might actually matter to blind people who are engaging with this story.

Episode 3

IT IS TIME FOR FEELINGS!

There are so many physical touches in this episode. The first we get is Mhok unwrapping a bandage on Day's foot, with Day looking extremely at peace with the action. The second we get is Mhok kind of poking at Day and then jokingly moving to pick Day up when he refuses to start cleaning his room. Day doesn't seem like a person generally fond of man-handling, but you can tell very easily that Mhok is just fucking with Day because Day fucked with Mhok. We are witnessing friendship! Which persists throughout the entire episode. 

photo by @athousandbyeol

I like too that Mhok using the blindfold to better understand Day is not a one and done situation. Again there are a few friendly touch moments that do not at all read as romantic.Mhok steals Day’s sunglasses and is perfectly at peace with Day feeling up his face to try to see if the sunglasses Mhok is wearing are his; and when Mhok's hand envelopes Day's when they are trying to guess the shirts in Day's closet by feel alone. Day does not tense up, he doesn't suck in a breath, he doesn't really let that touch linger. He shakes it off quickly and is like "that's my hand". And again, as an aside (I hope this does not come across inappropriately but) I kinda like that Mhok is almost gamifying Day's blindness. What I mean by that is that Day and Mhok are engaging in friendly competition to see who can accurately guess the article of clothing. It seems like a great way to bring some joy and levity to helping Day get better at understanding his surroundings without the use of his vision.

I am an absolute sucker for couples in shows that have an established friendship beforehand. I don't mean friends to lovers necessarily, but too often in BLs I have noticed that romantic interests are only ever that and we don't get a lot of moments of stupidity, tomfoolery, and fun. So you better believe I was living my best life in the next physical touch scene when Day and Mhok are fighting with the dinosaur costumes on. And this is where the physical touches start to change, because we start without physical touch and end with it, where we have up until this point been ending every moment of connection and relationship progression ending without touch. 

gif by @raypakorn

For the dinosaur fight, we get the non-romantic, entirely platonic assistive touch of Mhok helping (poorly) to guide Day to the driveway (this fucker was so ready to wrestle he forgot to tell Day to mind the stairs at first lmfao). The actual point of connection starts with Mhok intentionally trying to dive out of the way of Day’s touch. And once again Mhok Day’s blindness to elevate a game between them, by clapping and then diving out of the way to try to avoid Day’s movements. But that avoidance of physical interaction very quickly devolves in to a wrestling embrace, laughing, having fun, and then settling on the ground to chat until Day hears his mother’s car and they run back inside to hide the evidence of childish glee. 

Day’s mother returns to find a very different Day from who she left, he’s out of his room, he’s eating in the dining room, he’s seeming much more confident in his ability to navigate around the house. And of course, she has to go and ruin the moment by pushing too quickly on a nerve about going back to school. Day wants to withdraw from school and he needs to go in person. 

Now. 

We have seen Day taking massive strides in his own healing process in the last few episodes because he is starting to ask for help when he needs it, and Mhok is getting better at caretaking because he is started to ask if Day wants help for certain tasks or if Day is going to do them himself, thus allowing Day to set his limitations. Knowing that Day is going in to school, he asks Mhok to help him fix up his hair, and we get the first of many more crush-level physical touches in the show. 

gif by @jimmysea

I’m not Thai, so forgive me if this is wrong, but I am pretty sure that in Thai culture the head is considered sacred and having people touch your head carries a significance that I do not think Western audiences really understand (speaking as a Western viewer). If this is indeed true, then the scene where Mhok is fixing Day’s hair gets even more intense, even when there is a clear change in Mhok’s view of Day from friendly to starting to see something more. Mhok even makes a comment about how Day is a stunner (or something) when his hair is done, and when Mhok asks Day if he likes it and Day returns the question, there is a pause that is not at all dissimilar to the pause Day had after Mhok asked him if Day wanted to know what Mhok looked like. 

But where the tension from Episode 2 when Mhok asks the question is broken in a way that makes it seem more like Day is just teasing, I don’t think Mhok’s deflection of “it’s alright” really returns the same level of dismissal. Because Mhok is starting to realize something about the way he is feeling for Day. 

We get the inside of the Thai subway for the first time in maybe ever? As Mhok and Day make their way to Day’s college. And thus the not-a-date-kind-of-a-date adventure begins. Day is clinging on to Mhok’s arm as they navigate on to the subway car, at which point Mhok breaks off from Day to try to ask for a seat for Day. But Day grabs him and pulls him back, choosing instead of hold on to Mhok’s arm. Like I have been saying, Aof has been doing a really great job at differentiating the types of touches, and up until this point, the more intimate touches between Mhok and Day, such as when Day feels Mhok’s titty in his bedroom or Mhok’s face at the market, don’t read as romantic, because Day is taking in information to supplement his vision. Similarly, the moments where Day is holding on to Mhok for assistance in environmental navigation, such as when Mhok helps guide Day to his professor’s office or helps him down the stairs the physical touch is matter-of-fact on both ends. 

photo by @athousandbyeol

But here, in the subway, we get the first instance of physical touch from an environmental navigation standpoint that reads more like a man who is developing a crush rather than Day just being guided…

…but that comes from Day, not from Mhok. Which I appreciate massively from the standpoint of ensuring that Mhok as the caretaker does not appear to be taking advantage of Day. In the subway, Day could have sat down, he didn’t need to stay standing, he didn’t need to continue holding on to  Mhok. But he chooses to do that. He chooses to keep his arm linked tightly with Mhok’s, he chooses to get a little flirty with Mhok when he says as long as Mhok stays close to him, that’s all Day needs. And we get the close up of Mhok and Day’s hands when Mhok moves to tap Day’s hand gently, and the shot lingers. Because things are starting to change.

I said in a previous reblog last week when Episode 3 came out that Aof does this really interesting thing in his direction and cinematography when characters share intimate moments, in that he breaks from his standard visual format. The lighting often changes, the camera isn’t held as steady, the moments are zoomed in much closer than we are used to. We get it with Heart and Li Ming playing that spider game with their fingers the night that Li Ming sleeps over and we get it in the subway when Day stumbles slightly and swallows hard, embarrassed and avoiding eye contact while Mhok looks at Day kind of fondly. 

gif by @taeminie

So we see the spark in the subway and then watch that spark begin to catch when they end up in the dressing room together. Day and Mhok both establish that they have never been in a dressing room with another person to cut the tension and nerves a bit. Afterall, this is the first time that we’ve seen where Mhok is getting up close and personal with Day’s partially nude body, when they are both calm, collected, and not amidst a panic attack about a potential medical emergency. No one is feeling violated, no one is feeling scared, no one is having their privacy forcibly removed from them. But that makes them all that more aware of how they are feeling, physically, when they are touching and being touched. 

And we get a secondary Aof Camerawork Moment where the style of shot changes and we get that gorgeous zoom in on Mhok’s hands and Day’s chest when Mhok helps Day back in to his shirt. And isn’t it wonderful that the most sensual and intimate moment that we have seen from Mhok and Day so far is putting Day’s clothes back on? 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Check out @btwinlines’ post about this scene.

Day and Mhok continue their day, find the Last Twilight book, and are hanging about the market where Mhok leaves Day standing against a pole while he runs to grab a drink. As a result, we get a bombardment of physical touch, the most overwhelming to date because Day is getting just absolutely shunted around, bumping elbows and shoulders with the people at the market with no idea of where he is or where he is going. And this is where we really get an understanding of how terrible physical touch can be when you don’t have any bearing of your surroundings and can’t see where people are coming from or anticipate contact. 

We got a scene in Episode 1 where we see how dangerous being blind has the potential to be, but Day isn’t being touched by anybody at that point until he is pulled off the street by Mhok. But this time while Day does have a moment where he is in more physical danger because he stumbles on to the street, he is relatively much more safe getting lost in the marketplace than when he ran out on to the street in Episode 1, cause the few cars that are present are moving slow and know to be looking out for pedestrians. Day is grabbed and directed by random strangers who are trying to help him and kind of just…drag him along until he is out of the street when he is visibly panicking and then just…left on the side of the road with an offhanded statement from strangers that he is “safe now” and they just…leave him alone and continue on their way. Even there, with a helpful touch, there is no safety or comfortability in Day’s posture, he is not calmed by hearing that he is safe. Which serves as a really great comparison point for how comfortable Day has pretty much always been with Mhok (minus the one moment of severe dysregulation after being surprised by his friends and then by Mhok when Day was buck ass naked). 

Especially when compared to the relief that just rushes through Day’s body when he and Mhok are reunited and they embrace. 

AND LIKE OKAY, CAN I GO ON A BRIEF TANGENT TO TALK ABOUT THE PINK SHIRT? 

gif by @tomystars

You know how in a lot of romances you get that moment where you get the like, love at first sight thing? Time slows down, one half of the romantic pair picks the other half of the romantic pair out of the crowd? WE GET THAT HERE, WITH THE BLIND CHARACTER BEING THE ONE WHO PICKS THE FUTURE LOVE INTEREST OUT OF THE CROWD. 

The pink shirt is brilliant, and I love how it both acts as an anchor point for Day who is able to calm down upon seeing it, and not panic or freak out when being grabbed and embraced by Mhok after having a decently traumatic experience with physical touch just minutes before while also reaffirming that Mhok is learning and internalizing the adaptations he needs to incorporate in to his own life to make Day’s daily life easier and more accessible. Mhok understands how Day’s vision functions, he remembers that Day has said he could see that shirt from Mars it’s so bright, and he provides an in for Day to maintain his autonomy by making it possible for Day to potentially see Mhok before Mhok sees Day. 

ANYWAY

@athousandbyeol

The embrace they share when Day and Mhok are reunited is not charged, is not romantic, at least not to me. But what it does show is how much care Day and Mhok have for each other, how quickly their friendship is developing, and the safe spaces these two will find in the other. Day calms so quickly the second he and Mhok are touching, as soon as he has an anchor. And he won’t let go of Mhok either. 

Aof and co have been playing well with dichotomies, here, a situation that pulls Day and Mhok physically apart ends up bringing them emotionally closer together. It is clear that Day does not blame Mhok for what happened, even if Mhok was gone much longer than anticipated, and that is affirmed by Day defending Mhok to his mother when she questions Mhok’s caretaking skills and holds his criminal record over his head. 

And, let’s not forget, this is just writing about the physical touch, this post does not discuss whether or not the lack of touch is important. I wrote a decent chunk of this in the airport without wifi, so I could only talk about physical touch from memory, I didn't rewatch anything like I normally do, so apologies if I missed stuff.

[twig-tea]

A Balloon's Landing (2024)

This film dropped on Netflix worldwide today (Nov 9) so I gave it a shot, in spite of the negative responses when it came out in May. The feedback from the summer was that despite the promotional materials (example above), this film was not actually a queer romance. I love Fandy Fan, and I love Taiwanese roadtrip movies, so I went in with expectations tempered. Below will include some high-level spoilers but no details.

This movie is visually gorgeous, as I knew it would be, and was not a bad way to spend an hour and a half. I don't think it does everything it set out to do, and I've seen better treatment of the subject of suicidality, which is actually the main core of the story, but against all odds and all of my expectations, there is a happy ending. So I was glad I watched it.

The thing is, this movie really does feel like a gay romance. The only reason why it doesn't actually qualify comes down to timing; one of the characters is severely depressed through the film, so it makes sense that he's not interested for most of the film anyway, and by the time the romance should be happening there is what I will call a significant disruption so as to avoid spoilers. It still feels like a bit of a cop-out, though, but I'm actually less mad about the gay-baiting than I was going in.

Other than the part where it feels a little like it chickened out of queerness, I think this movie falls into a couple of pitfalls that stop it from being great. The usual 'poor character suffers so that the rich character can have character growth and find fulfillment in their privileged life' is the main one; the other is that it doesn't entirely hold up if you think through the full timeline and cause-and-effect.

TL;DR: There's enough in this film for fanfic, but it's not as gay as it feels like it should be, and the rest of the film isn't good enough to make up for that fact. Still, it's pretty.

Warnings for suicidal ideation, child abuse, severe beating, depictions of trauma, character death.

[bengiyo]

Only Friends Ep 11 Stray Thoughts

Last week, Atom lied to Cheum that Boston forced him to have sex with him repeatedly, and his friends iced him out completely. Boeing showed up to be an absolute menace and it was compelling. Top and Mew are still doing this dance, and Mew has decided to utilize Boeing to torment Top. Nick avoided advancing things with Dan, and then reconciled with Boston. Ray learned that Sand wasn't taking his dad's money (which is dumb) and decided to commit to rehab.

"Move on. Move in."

Plug, please don't drink after Sand. You do not know where that boy has been.

Look at them messing with Yo and Plug getting back together to lull me into a false sense of security.

Top and Mew are so annoying. Just please break up already.

I like that Nick is being honest with Dan without over sharing. He's also not giving Dan hope. "I like you, but I'm not ready to be anyone's boyfriend right now. Let's just focus on work," is actually good for both of them. Dan is disappointed, but he knows where he stands.

I'm glad Sand is avoiding Ray. He's been called a whore so many times.

I like Sand's mom.

I know they better give Sand that money after all he's been through. I do like that Sand doesn't think Ray needs to completely give up alcohol, but he does need to manage his dependency.

I feel like I've lost the thread on why Mew keeps hanging out with Boeing.

Look at nasty4nasty working again. We've added another boy to Mark's counter and furthered the mission to add complicated layers to digital surveillance and blackmail in modern queer life.

Now what was Boston thinking there when he glanced at Nick when he said he knows what it's like to have a one-sided love?

Things are going too well for Sand and Ray. Ray still got Sand to do the community service with him. Something is going to show up and disrupt them.

Every time I see Mew and Top I'm just like, "Potion Seller, enough of these games!"

I'm glad Sand is pathetic for every man he was in love with. Ray ain't special. Sand is just like this.

We have missed multiple opportunities for a Mama Sandwich and I am despondent.

I wish we'd gotten a better since of Top's emotional interior. Force is clearly playing Top as sincere, and I don't know how much of my distrust of Top is past experiences with guys like him or the reputation he has within the show.

I'm not a fan of Cheum's reaction here to Atom's admission. On his lie, they stormed Boston's house and accused him of assault. They kicked him out of their project. They stripped him of his community. We can support Atom learning something important about himself and still make sure we let him know that what he did was foul. I'm so not into Cheum at all. I was not expecting to have so many qualms with lesbians in this show.

I really loved that conversation between Boston and Nick. They continue to feel the most honest with each other about what they are to each other. I love Boston offering Nick this little time they have left and being clear that it does expire. I like that it's a request, and I like that Nick didn't exactly give him an answer. Nick has been burned, so he's being more cautious with Boston.

I actually kinda want Top and Mew to work out, because the back and forth with them is the kind of thing you need someone willing to spar with for it to work.

Ray saying he'll pay anything for Sand as his boyfriend might be more romantic if he didn't always call Sand a whore when he got mad.

Well well well, are we finally going to get that threesome??

A fire in the last episode what the hell. Who is burning down Top's hotel?? Who isn't Boeing going to try to fuck??

I'm so amused at Ray being possessive of Sand and asking him to draw a boundary with Boeing as if he ever managed to draw one with Ray. Top and Mew remain so uncertain for me, and I'm a bit disappointed that Top will remain an enigma to me. Boston and Nick are the only ones moving towards something that feels sustainable. Atom can leave and never come back. I'm over Cheum.

[kittenintheden]

okay listen I'm so tired lol

I am a fandom old. I've been around the freaking block like eight dozen times. I'm at the point in my life where I enjoy media because it's FUN and ENRICHING for me personally, rather than something I base my identity on. I adore the community that happens in fan spaces (mostly).

here is why I never trust an anon that's clearly just being a dick: I've been in way to many scenarios where people who aren't even invested in the thing just think it's so fucking funny to watch segments of a community fight with each other. it tickles some part of their lizard brain. their mom never taught them not to be an asshole to strangers. idk.

there's a political term that you may or may not be familiar with called astroturfing. it's frequently used in marketing and politics to falsely create the image of vast public support for something that doesn't actually have all that much natural support. for example, people who don't especially have strong feelings about trans issues being encouraged/paid/instructed to respond to any and all trans support a certain way. responding to blogs, sending letters to the editor, posting on message boards, etc. their goal is to create a broad public perception that most people are anti-trans (untrue).

and it works. entire fucking laws and legislation and protests and fearmongering come out of that shit. people make up FAKE PROBLEMS (cis men dressing up like women to go be pervy in public bathrooms???) and spread the word via bad actors and controlling the public discourse. the media conglomerate that gamed Facebook to disproportionately support asshole authoritarian alt-right clowns and got them elected was EXCELLENT at it.

a similar thing can happen in fandom, ESPECIALLY when that fandom is a haven for women, POC, queer folk, and other minorities. you guys might remember GamerGate and SadPuppies? yeah all those fuckers are still active and still purposely being shitty at every given opportunity because they think it's funny to make the "libs" fight amongst themselves.

look up #yourslipisshowing if you're not familiar. it was a movement by Black Twitter (specifically Black WOMAN Twitter) to expose bad actors who would create accounts posing as Black woman activists, learn the surface-level terminology, and just purposely cause discord in leftist spaces under the ever-familiar activist method of "being morally pure is a thing that can exist."

anyway: any time I get an ask or comment without a name attached that is very obviously intended to poke me in a sore spot, I delete that shit and assume it's some fucker trying to start fan drama for kicks. even if I'm wrong, I still don't need to feed into that shit. this is my fun, happy space. I'm an activist and do activist shit and get angry at the world in real life, I don't need it in my little fandom corner of the internet too.

which is not to say that shitty fans and shitty fandom takes don't really exist. they very much do. but I don't give them much air unless there's an actual name attached. and even THEN it can be hit or miss because people can and do create fake accounts if they're especially dedicated to being a shithead.

so: if you're minding your business and some goober comes into your ask box with shit that's clearly intended to push a button, give it like 24 hours to cool down and decide if it's actually worth it to respond. for me, most of the time I determine that it's not.

don't get me wrong. calling out bad behavior in fandom IS IMPORTANT and SHOULD BE DONE. I just also think it's important to try and find the joy and camaraderie in these spaces as much as possible and that people who try to disrupt that for jollies suck real bad and give a disproportionate perception of "what X fans are like."

in summary, my philosophy is be the best person you can be, be as kind as is warranted, focus on the parts of your fandom that make you happiest, and carry a big stick for when the jerks won't take a hint.

also like. shitting on other characters to prop up your fave is such a freaking middle school move. are you in middle school? if so, I'm sorry. if not, I'm still sorry, but for a different reason.

[drdemonprince]

it honestly breaks my heart that nothing i can do, nothing i can say, nothing i can change about my body, and no decision that i make in how i present will ever persuade a large contingent of queer people to stop thinking of me as some kind of queer woman.

it's an incredibly violating feeling to know that ultimately no matter how big of a game people talk about reimagining gender they never stop seeing you as fundamentally different from a cis guy in some inescapable way.

the cishet people in my life are better at seeing me as a guy than many queer people are. and that's the most sickening part. i dont want to be some pick me cishet prioritizing asshole. it's crazy making that the people who profess to be more enlightened about this stuff are the ones who misgender me, lump me in with women, imply that a relationship with me would be fundamentally different that a relationship with a cis man, and project desires onto me that i've been very vocal that i'll never have. and even most of the trans masc people i know willingly buy into this kind of rhetoric.

this has been a real banger year for disabusing myself of fantasies. accepting that certain imagined realities will never come to pass has been very good for my coping, and for making me finally more of an adult. and i guess abandoning the fantasy of ever fully being comprehended is yet another one for me to let go of.

you can explain yourself over and over and over and some people, many people, will just never get it. because they don't want to get it. because they're incurious and because believing you would disrupt the most self-serving elements of their worldview.

and you know, that's fine. we can get by fine being largely misunderstood. i can focus on behavior and work on communicating what i need rather than making myself sick trying to manage hearts and minds. it's lonesome work but it's better than deluded longing. and while it does mean not thinking too much about the perceptions of a great many people, that doesn't mean it actually has to be done alone.

there are people who get it, and there are people who at least get that it matters to act right. and that matters. that can be enough. it just sucks, because being believed about who you are doesn't feel like a grandiose fantasy. and yet it is.

[wangjiclub]

I need to take this off my chest so I can move on.

Only Friends was a TopMew show disguised as an attempt to release a disruptive and innovative queer media.

Now that the show has ended and the world could see the product in its entirety we're able to judge it. I have no idea what actually went on behind the curtains or what was the real intention of the creators or how they view polygamy. But, as part of the audience and the target consumer, I feel like I'm able to talk about it and criticize it.

What they did to not only BostonNick but to NeoMark as well was horrible. How do you introduce them as part of the main 6, then forget about them along the way? The amount of screentime was diminishing as the episodes were released, and it was clear that scenes were cut off. The amount of disrespect.

Now, talking specifically about Boston. Up until episode 11 there were a lot of discussions going on about how Boston would pursue his relationship with Nick. First I'd like to side with the people who criticized his action when he spent a lot of time leading Nick on. He indeed did that and the scene I can give as an example was that one at the pool. Boston clearly said that he wanted to stop sleeping around so much because he'd rather fuck with someone who he could talk to. Now, he never said anything about being exclusive, but he knew how Nick felt and was manipulating the guy with his words so Nick could be more pliant. But I also agree with people saying that at that time he was already falling for Nick, just didn't know how to act upon it. He never felt like this before, it was all new to him.

When everything broke down (because of Sand) he felt so betrayed and more than that: heartbroken. He was already falling in love with Nick, he felt like he could be himself with Nick, so the punch hit hard. Now this is the moment when everything went wrong, including the narrative and the writer's view of the character. How come, in the middle of all these nasty young adults, the only one who gets kicked like he's nothing over and over again is the one who has a very active and out of the norm sex life? How dare them keep giving the majority part of the episodes to TopMew so they could develop that shitty plot line and cut it all all BostonNick/NeoMark scenes, the couple who actually needed the time?

A lot of things rubbed me the wrong way at the finale. The main one was the BostonBoeing situation. Not gonna lie, the kiss was insanely good, but there was no reason for it to happen. How come Boston was all lovey dovey towards Nick for at least two episodes, and like a sudden shift, he went all hoe mode (nothing against it honestly) and even talked about his boyfriend????? This doesn't make any sense. In the balcony scene, Boston TOLD Nick he would be the only one, and that's why people started to talk about how he could be monogamic. Then suddenly, someone who always defended himself by saying he never lied, just lies? Why didn't the writers put Boston and Nick to have a conversation about how things would work out? Open relationships are already very common, they could discuss some rules and limits. Nick could say that as Boston were about to leave in a few months he would feel better if it was exclusive and maybe Boston could accept it because it would be only for a few months and he loved Nick and he was leaving. Or Nick could try to understand and say what he wouldn't accept and they could try. It would be just for a moment, it's not like neither of them would have to become another person entirely. They. Could. Work. It. All.

The writers decided not to.

But bow down to Neo in his final scene. The emotion on his eyes. Wow. Boston was so sad, so miserable at this moment. He didn't deserve any of that.

They destroyed BostonNick to give the righteous couple, TopMew, the space and dedication so the audience would not be upset. F*ck me. If they wanted to please these people, why did they approve of Only Friends? Why didn't they turn TopMew's plot into a solo show or something? The whole narrative loved to make Mew stand out like the moral standard he thinks he is. But congratulations to Book! His acting made me dislike Mew entirely.

And I'd like to talk a little about Force. I felt like he did much better when he was acting opposed to anyone but Book. I didn't feel ForceBook's chemistry at all. But maybe it was just this time, I still have to watch their other works.

But that's it. I'm tired of being angry, I'll search fanfics to cure my broken heart.

[rametarin]

No, Trump will not bring on a genocide

That doesn't mean he'll be a great president. There are many enormous, glaring problems with his party right now. But for fucks sake.

I talk about my abusive mother a lot. One of the irritating things, the absolutely stupid things she does, is she's one of those people that jumps on far-right bandwagons that project their absurd rapturist end-of-days LARPing onto contemporary political events. So a new democratic president can never just be someone they don't want to win, no.

They have to be THE COMING OF THE ANTICHRIST! THE BEING THAT WILL USHER IN SEVEN YEARS OF TRIBULATIONS AND BROKEN SEALS OF THE HEAVENS AND DRAMA AND DEATH AND OCEANS OF BLOOD AND SUFFERING AND EEEEE-VIIIILLLLL.

I get enough of the doom and gloom LARPing from the religious assholes without supposedly "secular humanist or agnostic" people seeing Adolf Hitler or Mousellinii around every corner if it's a white man voting from right-wing interests. Sometimes the republican candidate is just an out of touch dude with beliefs you don't personally subscribe to, and that's okay. That's status quo, actually. You declaring it to be alarmist drek and a sign of "going in reverse OH NO" says more about your derangements than it does about yet another person in office that doesn't share your values.

And if I'm being honest, some of this shit should be viewed as OPPORTUNITY, not shit to mourn. The republican party does not have the votes necessary to make abortion illegal and banned. Stripping the adhesive bandage off Roe V. Wade means that we can actually legislate it into American law properly, to say nothing of the other shit they slashed and burned in law. Abortion is pretty much a figured out science, the only thing that isn't settled is when personhood should legally begin and when it becomes unjustified killing to destroy the fetus.

The biggest problem people like Trump cause is disruption of an ongoing attempt at power grabbing by some very shitty people that want the whole ball of wax under their ideological status. And the thing is, many of the things they claim to want, more liberal people also want. In more liberal ways. But Trump and republicans in general oppose the ways by which the idelogues want to change things. That, to them, is tantamount to resisting god and the angels themselves, to these people running around screaming about how Trump is waiting to put minorities into incinerators for the crime of not being cisgendered, heterosexual European-American males.

News flash: You don't HAVE to be so dramatic and ridiculous, the stupid bullshit they're already doing is material enough without adding defcon fears on everybody.

You could start by saying what'll happen to Ukraine if Trump is allowed to get in there and fuck it up. You could talk about exactly what he wants to do with the US-Mexico border and what negative problems that will cause. You could be less vague and less doom and gloom and actually spell out your problems in a coherent way without skipping to: "TL;DR, mass genocide and white supremacism!" you insufferable cunts.

There's plenty of actual problems with a Trump presidency you could be talking about and spell out what YOU want from the next election cycle without acting like some president-for-life aspires to get in there, because that's simply not going to happen. No matter how much you hate a bunch of milquetoast, delusional religious people and obnoxious pro-lifers, that doesn't make them a genocidal regime.

You give people like Trump license to see the absolute worst in you and your beliefs, when you jump straight to, "WE LOST!! WE'REALL GOING TO DIE TO A FASCIST, WHITE SUPREMACIST, QUEER HATING REGIME!" That makes Red Scare look like that mild concern someone has broken into your house you feel when you hear a noise. If you've ever uttered nonsense about Trump and co. being genocidal, I don't ever want to hear you try to take the high ground about how alarmist and delusional right-winged people are about any given milquetoast liberal candidate.

Mellow out.

[pretensesoup]

Queer books, day 14/30

I'm supposed to be finishing up some post-code-review stuff but instead here we go with this bullshit.

I could actually photograph this one, it's upstairs on my bedside table, but I'm le tired.

OKAY so I like Cat Sebastian and I cannot lie. This is the third of the Cabot books and features (as the title maybe gave away) Daniel Cabot, who is the son of Tommy (who features in Tommy Cabot Was Here, which I covered a few days ago), and his friend Alex Savchenko. Over the course of the book, Daniel does some gardening and Alex comes to terms with the fact that one of his fellow doctors is having a baby. And they fall in love (Daniel and Alex, I mean) and have a lot of sex. And that's it, basically. It is very comforting and there is almost no conflict or plot. I don't know that it really speaks to a larger question of human life or whatever. It's just got a lot of vibes, and sometimes that's nice.

This one is set in 1973. In the previous book, Daniel was about 12 in 1959ish, so that makes him like 25 here. Alex is a bit older, because he's a pediatrician with a whole practice. (You could just do that in the '70s, according to my mom. You could finish your residency and open your own practice.

We do get to see here: an intriguing glimpse of NYC (as in Manhattan) and the night life in 1973. Immigrants (this is a theme in my novel too). How people deal with individuals who are crummy or unkind to them. Friends to lovers. What is neurodivergence and how do you deal with it if you/your partner is (is Alex neurodivergent or is he just super normal in that he doesn't like to be around people that much and also hates when his routine gets disrupted? am I unduly riled up by him being labeled as neurodivergent because he is like appropriately kind of frustrated when his routine gets disrupted? am I on a weird voyage of discovery about myself? No.).

There are a lot of sex scenes in this one. I have some quibbles with how Ms. Sebastian writes sex scenes, but I will say that she does super well with handling consent, and in this one the characters also talk about using condoms and their sexual histories sort of in passing, even if ultimately they decide not to use condoms. A little research suggests this was probably atypical behavior for gay men in 1973, but it's nice to see it.

Key quote:

Alex hoped Daniel appreciated exactly how bold and daring he was being in going to the grocery store on Tuesday rather than Saturday. It was like fucking Mardi Gras over here, everything upside down.

Anyway, that's it. 10/10, go read it.

[lavender-town-radio]

Hey, Laplace. You said something a while ago that I'm still thinking about. In a response to an ask, you said that masking feels like roleplaying and not like "multiple people". Could you go on? And while you're at it, define masking for us, would you?

Thank you in advance.

-Psy

Masking is just. Putting on a specific affection (usually to mask symptoms that are "inappropriate") for a situation. Like if you're around homophobic family maybe you avoid your queer mannerisms. If you're autistic and in public where stimming would be "disruptive" you mask by not doing it. I'm not really the best person to define masking. To be honest with you. But any "role" you take on to avoid something disruptive or unsafe in a situation? That's masking.

I'm going to describe my experience with masking. I'm plural, and this will not necessarily be true for all plurals, or even match up with what singlets experience. But for me, it's like roleplaying a dnd character. I have like. A bunch of fake shit set up for each mask so that I'm playing a realistic role - I have different opinions and mannerisms sometimes, but it's all by choice and made up. It doesn't feel like being multiple people, it feels like playing dnd as a character. I'm in control of it. My headmates experience the same when masking as our "singletsona" who is "me", since I'm the... I don't like using host, honestly? For us, host just means "person whose life it is", and this is my life. My headmates are all here to help me with the things I need in my life. They're accessibility tools for me, in a way. So they pretend to be the fake mask I made up, because its not any of us, its just a role we play. They never pretend to be like.... me, the actual person. I don't pretend to be them. The masks are all seperate, fake entities that we wear sometimes.

Sometimes I know that members of systems mask as other members - this is, to my understanding, more common with traumagenic & disordered systems - often, those two go hand in hand. This is also usually for safety reasons - when systems are covert, they can't afford to be out and known, especially if they're still in bad situations. So often, even with systems, headmates who mask as each other are still playing a role.

There are reasons other than plurality that can make masking feel like multiple people - however, depersonalization and derealization have crossover with plurality, and so can delusions, and honestly so can hallucinations from schizophrenia! None of these issues are completely seperate because they effect similar parts of the brain. I think that if masking feels like multiple people, then there is probably something going on, and exploring that being plurality maybe isn't bad, even if you're wrong. ESPECIALLY if you end up being wrong. It's okay to wonder and try things out. You aren't like.... hurting anyone by exploring the possibility.

There are also ways of becoming plural if you want to - daemonism especially is very popular. So are soulbonds. Daemonism is creating a mental construct, most often an animal, to interact with. Soulbonds are making a mental connection, most often a sort of telephone line, with a fictional character. The way this manifests is usually the thing where people talk about "characters writing themselves". Not everyone believes in these sorts of connections - it gets into the realm of spirituality for most, honestly. But people have been creating thoughtforms for centuries, you can find mention of them in most cultures.

The whole "tulpa" thing too - I'm not here to debate tulpamancy, but the western version of tulpamancy based on the Buddhist practice is heavily practiced. That's just a fact. Tulpas are just another type of thoughtform. What you call them is ultimately not important, most of the time.

Chosen plurality is a valid, healthy coping mechanism. There are even published psychological techniques based around it. The family system or whatever... breaking your brain and reactions down into parts, or something? I haven't really researched it. My plurality and spiritual practice are a circle, and most of my research focuses on that aspect.

I cannot answer what it feels like for disordered systems to mask. I'm not disordered. Maybe one of the other plurals I know of who are out on the site can answer that part for you if they feel comfortable? This is not an invitation to go ask anyone that - just putting the option for them to reply to this post.

[traeumenvonbuechern]

My Trans Rights Readathon TBR

Infatuation. Reincarnation. Damnation.

Gem Echols is a nonbinary Seminole teen living in the tiny town of Gracie, Georgia. Known for being their peers’ queer awakening, Gem leans hard on charm to disguise the anxious mess they are beneath. The only person privy to their authentic self is another trans kid, Enzo, who’s a thousand long, painful miles away in Brooklyn.

But even Enzo doesn’t know about Gem’s dreams, haunting visions of magic and violence that have always felt too real. So how the hell does Willa Mae Hardy? The strange new girl in town acts like she and Gem are old companions, and seems to know things about them they’ve never told anyone else.

When Gem is attacked by a stranger claiming to be the Goddess of Death, Willa Mae saves their life and finally offers some answers. She and Gem are reincarnated gods who’ve known and loved each other across lifetimes. But Gem – or at least who Gem used to be - hasn’t always been the most benevolent deity. They’ve made a lot of enemies in the pantheon—enemies who, like the Goddess of Death, will keep coming.

It’s a good thing they’ve still got Enzo. But as worlds collide and the past catches up with the present, Gem will discover that everyone has something to hide.

"Ich weiß, dass du Angst hast. Aber diese Angst könnte verhindern, dass wir etwas richtig Gutes erleben"

Lark Winters größter Traum ist es, Autor*in zu werden. Aber dey erhält eine Agenturabsage nach der anderen. Zu jung, zu queer, zu emotional - niemand will die Relevanz der Geschichte für nichtbinäre Menschen wie Lark erkennen. Doch als plötzlich ein Tweet von Lark über unerwiderte Liebe viral geht, ist deren Traum zum Greifen nah. Endlich bekommt Lark die Aufmerksamkeit, die dey sich die ganze Zeit gewünscht hat. Einziges Problem: Lark hat den Tweet nie geschrieben! Er stammt eigentlich von Larks ehemals bestem Freund Kasim, der seit einem Jahr nicht mehr wirklich mit demm redet. Lark muss sich entscheiden: einen Traum leben, der auf einer Lüge basiert, oder herausfinden, was hinter Kasims Tweet steckt und was mit ihrer Freundschaft passiert ist ...

Three years ago, Alice spent one night in an abandoned house with her friends, Ila and Hannah. Since then, Alice’s life has spiraled. She lives a haunted existence, selling videos of herself for money, going to parties she hates, drinking herself to sleep. Memories of that night torment Alice, but when Ila asks her to return to the House, to go past the KEEP OUT sign and over the sick earth where teenagers dare each other to venture, Alice knows she must go. Together, Alice and Ila must face the horrors that happened there, must pull themselves apart from the inside out, put their differences aside, and try to rescue Hannah, whom the House has chosen to make its own. Cutting, disruptive, and darkly funny, Tell Me I’m Worthless is a vital work of trans fiction that examines the devastating effects of trauma and how fascism makes us destroy ourselves and each other.

When seventh-grader Ash, his crush Eleanor, and their friends are transported to a girls-only imaginary world, Ash must come to terms with the fact that he may actually be a transgender girl. Full of wonder, humor, and heart, Girl Haven is the newest original story from the author of Lumberjanes.

Three years ago, Ash's mom, Kristin, left home and never came back. Now, Ash lives in the house where Kristin grew up. All of her things are there. Her old room, her old clothes, and the shed, where she spent her childhood creating a fantasy world called Koretris.

Ash knows all about Koretris: how it's a haven for girls, with no men or boys allowed, and filled with fanciful landscapes and creatures. When Ash's friends decide to try going to Koretris, using one of Kristin's spellbooks, Ash doesn't think anything will happen. But the spell works, and Ash discovers that the world Kristin created is actually a real place, with real inhabitants and very real danger.

But if Koretris is real, why is Ash there? Everyone has always called Ash a boy. Ash uses he/him pronouns. Shouldn't the spell have kept Ash out? And what does it mean if it let Ash in?

I no longer recommend this author's books.

Laced with romance, gothic imagery, Catholic mysticism, diaspora, and horror…

When lonely transgender exorcist, Colin Hart, finds himself challenged by an unruly haunted house in Gideon, Colorado, he’s kept awake by ghosts, demons, ghouls, and the handsome nonbinary owner of the house, Bishop Martínez.

Unlike the simple hauntings Colin is accustomed to, Bishop’s house is a living beacon, attracting a plethora of inhuman creatures, including a vengeful wolf-headed spirit who might be the key to quieting their sleepless nights.

But as a heartbreaking mystery unravels, Colin comes face-to-face with the past Bishop tried to bury, opens a closet full of bloody skeletons, and trips into an accidental romance.

As paranormally skilled as Colin might be, this particular haunting may be too messy for him to handle…

A groundbreaking memoir about being a trans teen, in the vein of FUN HOME and FLAMER... and at the same time entirely its own.

Lewis has a few things to say to his younger teen self. He knows she hates her body. He knows she's confused about who to snog. He knows she's really a he and will ultimately realize this... but she's going to go through a whole lot of mess (some of it funny, some of it not funny at all) to get to that point. Lewis is trying to tell her this... but she's refusing to listen.

In WELCOME TO ST. HELL, author-illustrator Lewis Hancox takes readers on the hilarious, heartbreaking, and healing path he took to make it past trauma, confusion, hurt, and dubious fashion choices in order to become the man he was meant to be. It's a remarkable, groundbreaking graphic memoir from an unmistakably bold new voice in comics.

[sofiawellman]

Inherent in our culture is the expectation that a life without conflict is the standard of how life should look. There is an imaginary formula charted for each of us at birth, and the implication is that if we follow it, we will be happy. So when we find life dissatisfying or in conflict, we believe we are off course. We are doing something wrong. The truth is that place of tension, often called the messy middle, is where joy and meaning are birthed. This space without a clear direction is where the magic of life happens because we are in the flow, being guided by our heart and soul rather than a one size fits all formula that doesn't work for anyone.

Humans are a complex species that remain dependent longer than most other mammals for survival. So no one doubts the overwhelming demands of motherhood from conception to birth, into adulthood, and beyond. Mothers who step up to this responsibility are plagued with guilt if they dare expand their own lives. Even as parental responsibilities lift, if they begin to explore being true to themselves, the messy middle for them is far more condemning and challenging to navigate. 

Pasha takes us through the messy middle in this episode of Freedom to Love. It is assumed that the mother's role is to self-sacrifice all of who she is for her family. Most mothers buy that formula as their lot in life. Fortunately, an awakening of awareness is becoming a movement where some brave outliers recognize their life matters. They are recharting the well-worn path that doesn't lead to a joyful and fulfilling life and is not a good example for their children. It only causes their children to reach the same dead-end by the example. 

What sometimes appears to be a mid-life crisis is a rebirth of a life that has been on the wrong path for too long. It is an opportunity to live a life for oneself rather than self-sacrificing for everyone else. The conflict to reach self-love is learning to hold our own needs and the needs of those dependent on us. The belief that one cancels out the other is false. Pasha gracefully walks us through all the challenges of self-actualization. A journey often abandoned by many during the messy middle. 

You can also watch Pasha Marlowe here on Freedom to Love in episode 72, where she discusses being both ADHD and autistic or AuDHD. 

Pasha Marlowe has a podcast, “Neuro Queering,” where she challenges and disrupts the archaic social models we have been taught to follow. She can also be found on all social media platforms as herself, Pasha Marlowe @neuroqueercoach.

Go to Sofia Wellman YouTube channel to see the full episode, and subscribe to the media making a difference!

If you or someone you know has an inspiring story, contact me at filmsbysofiawellman@gmail.com. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel, Sofia Wellman, so you don't miss weekly episodes of Freedom to Love, a documentary film series. Each week, you will watch a new story featuring fearless people who choose to be authentic and love freely. 

[penig]

Y'know, it's an odd thing. If I take my glasses off, all I can see are blobs of color. My bad foot interferes with my life on a daily basis. I once had an entire month during which my balance issues kept me trapped in the top part of the house because the stairs were too scary. I routinely experience disrupted sleep that no treatment alleviates. I am surrounded by the evidence that I often have prolonged periods of executive dysfunction. There's a level of frustration at which I find myself a small passive onlooker in my own head, unable to do anything about the fact that my body (with which I normally feel perfectly congruent) is screaming itself hoarse and banging on things.

And yet, I don't think of myself as disabled. I have yet to even look into the possibility that I might be eligible for disability benefits. (For one thing, that executive dysfunction thinks about the paperwork and starts screaming incoherently.) I don't believe I have ever written fiction from the POV of a disabled person, unless you count nearsightedness. Which, there I go again - nearsightedness is a very common disability, accommodation for which has been normalized, but it's still a disability. I really should write that portal fantasy about a modern contacts-wearing kid who goes through a portal without her case and solutions and back-up glasses into a world that lacks optometry. I follow a lot of people who have disabilities and a few actual disability blogs but don't reblog that content much. IRL I frequently notice and bring up bad disability accommodations, and when people act like it's weird for me to do that when it doesn't affect me instead of pointing out that I'm disabled, actually, I respond from a place of "but it affects everyone when large portions of the population are treated this way and existing protections are casually ignored like that."

On the other hand, I'm the bisexual of biphobic nightmares. I've never had more than casual sexual contact with other women; have had crushes but never been in a relationship with one; I'm so cis I have to take the existence of gender on faith (see congruence with body, above) because that's clearly how it works for other people; I'm married to a cis man who is similarly invisibly bisexual. I don't participate meaningfully in any queer community. Unless I make a point of it, I am straight-passing and have full access to straight privilege.

And yet, I do make a point of it. I identify as queer. I have strong anti-gatekeeping opinions. I reblog queer stuff all the time and write from queer points of view. If someone is homophobic around me I tell them I'm queer and they're being personally offensive.

Isn't that weird?

"Pride month is over"

WRONG! Your pride month is over! Me and all the other disabled queers are having pride month two: disability edition

[marlborodean]

here’s my analysis of a 14-yr-old supernatural episode

so remember that episode where sam fucked a werewolf? because he related to her unwilling monstrosity? well that episode is actually just about dean starting to come to grips with his childhood and his sexuality.

if you ship w/ncest do not interact. this post is not anti-sam either btw. 

content warning: discussions of childhood trauma, internalized homophobia, guns, killing. 

does include some images with Image Descriptions following them.

[ID: An over-the-shoulder close-up shot from the episode, focused on Madison, the werewolf, as she cries. Dean is standing behind her. They are both looking at Sam, whose shoulder is on the edge of the frame. End ID.]

Brief episode recap just in case u don’t remember. This ep is 2x17 “Heart.” Sam and Dean are hunting a werewolf. They discover that the woman they interviewed, Madison, is a werewolf (not THEE werewolf, but one of them). Sam develops a lil crush on her <3 I wrote the majority of this after watching it for the first time in almost SIX years, so i was just vibing the whole time UNTIL the last shot changed it all for me. So let me explain!

Three important points that i will refer back to:

1. The episode begins with Dean being excited to hunt a werewolf because "what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids."

2. Then the episode centers on Sam and his relationship with the werewolf woman and his own monstrosity: "[Dean: Sam, she's a monster and you're feeling sorry for her?] Maybe I understand her."

3. BUT THEN the last shot of the episode is of Dean crying as music plays (see below for the specific lyrics) and then Dean jumps at the sound of the gunshot. That's it! That's the end of the episode!

[ID: For all three screencaps, Dean is looking torturously sad. Each one is zoomed a little bit closer to his face than the last. In the last image, Dean sheds a single man tear. The captioned lyrics for the first one say "Relax, child, you were there." The second says "but only didn't realize" and the third says "and you were scared." End ID]

Even though the story is supposed to be about Sam and his monstrosity, and partly about his relationship w/romance since this is the first person he’s slept with since Jess died (at least with what is shown on screen)...the Dean Sandwich tells us otherwise. We're supposed to be taking away something about DEAN here. Like, that's the whole purpose behind the last shot focusing solely on Dean instead of Sam who is AT THAT MOMENT, KILLING THE GIRL HE HAS FEELINGS FOR. It's literally a heartbreaking, devastating, super traumatic thing for Sam to be going through, but instead we're watching Dean as a single tear slides down his face lmao. It's because this episode is about DEAN, and furthering his story.

Let’s not queer this just yet. The death of the werewolf is about/representing his loss of innocence. It's a violent disconnect from his childhood. Point # 1 shows that he is fascinated by werewolves because since he was a kid he thought they were badass, not to mention all the werewolf films he references throughout. Then, through the music lyrics over that last scene, they mirror that theme of childhood. They’ve done this before, having the diegetic music directly reference what the characters are going through. No different here: Dean is the child they’re referring to.

I have to reiterate that that's the last thing we hear before the gunshot cuts the music short and then the cut to black. "You were scared" is the last thing we hear before the gunshot, as Dean cries. ALSO I have to reiterate that Dean was looking forward to killing a werewolf and shooting it himself. So it's super fascinating that, not only is Sam the one that kills the werewolf, WE DON’T EVEN SEE IT HAPPEN.

[ID: A medium-close shot of Dean as he looks at Sam, who takes up the right half of the frame. The caption says, “Sammy, I got this one. I’ll do it.” End ID.]

Am i gonna have to say this now? The werewolf is a metaphor, okay? It's a metaphor for his innocence, which is long-dead, forever doomed. I mean, a lot of kids love werewolves because they ARE badass! It's a classic monster that anyone could easily obsess over, and with Dean's childhood it must've seemed even cooler, knowing they're real and having the power to kill this "mythical" beast. So the way he's looking forward to killing one is the way a child imagines themselves as a hero.

But what happens instead is a tragic mercy killing. It's flipping his fantasy completely on its head, and it makes Dean realize that.....his fantasies are just fantasies. They aren't real, never would be. There's nothing heroic about killing this werewolf. It's tragic as hell. When he offers to kill her himself, it's just to relieve Sam's burden, but he's reluctant still. Because, as he keeps saying, he doesn't want to be a hunter! He doesn't want this life! He's tired of killing! And that's also what he's mourning as he cries and startles at the gunshot. His fantasies will never be real and his childhood could never have been normal and he never got a chance to be a kid because being a hunter was thrust on him at such a young age. And now it feels inescapable.

[ID: A gif of the slow zoom on Dean’s face as the single tears slips down his cheek. He jumps at the gunshot, then blinks and his lip wobbles. End ID.]

So now we can queer it :-) Of course all monster stories can be easily queered, but werewolves are popularly queered. The first example that comes to mind is An American Werewolf in London (1981) isn’t an overtly queer film (though it is Jewish!) but it’s definitely read that way by a lot of people!! Anyway the film was directed by John Landis which JUST SO HAPPENS to be the pseudonym Dean goes by in this episode. hmm. (Also, interestingly, the BTVS ep where the first gay character comes out references this film too)

[ID: Sam and Dean are standing close to each other. Sam is in the foreground, not in focus. Dean, behind him, says, “Landis. And Detective Dante.” End ID.]

There’s this essay about the queer werewolf that you can read here (and they also talk about fandom in it! very fascinating), where they say in the intro: “the werewolf seems an obvious choice as a queer monster with its identity-disrupting hybridity, as well as its atavistic, and, thus, disallowable sexuality.” A lot like Kristeva’s theory of the abject body! which is popular in queer theory. 

This episode is then queering Sam—his attraction to the werewolf makes him abject—but it also queers Dean thru the way his attitude towards the werewolf transforms (get it?) throughout the ep. His desire and eagerness to kill the werewolves is obviously ingrained in him from John’s parenting. Consider what he said in 2x03 “Bloodlust”: “And the way he raised us, to hate those things—and man, I hate them, I do.” In conjunction with the monsters in the show being seen as queer allegories (the gorgon, as an example of an explicit comparison), Dean’s excitement to kill the werewolf can be read as internalized homophobia and repressing any of his own feelings. 

Remember, though, right before that line in “Bloodlust,” he also said, “What if we killed things that didn’t deserve killing?” He’s really beginning to question whether all monsters are bad, and what it means to kill them. Is he also questioning what he believes of queer people? What John believed of queer people? The loss of innocence and queering both slot together through that final shot, imo: he’s crying because he realizes his fantasies aren’t real, but he’s also mourning the fact that he never could have had the chance to grow up without John’s control, and now it’s forever tainted his worldview. What else could he have been without that? (The answer is evident in 4x17 “It’s a Terrible Life.”)

Dean was taught to hate queer people but he doesn't want to. He wants to get out of the life but it feels inescapable. He wants to kill a werewolf and then when he has the chance, he doesn't want to. He actually cries as it's killed. It scares him, having to confront that what he thought he knew was wrong, but he knows all the same that he’ll never have the chance to have grown up without that. 

[caustic-light]

hello! i wanted to ask what“adult sexual mentors” means?? like dude the way its phrased, that does sound like straight up grooming. maybe im misunderstanding what you meant, idk

No it doesn't sound like grooming even in the most egregious interpretation. None of ya'll know what the fuck grooming is.

Grooming is when an adult manipulates a child in order to gain their trust and make them sexually available. Call teenagers looking for sexual experiences with adults however good or bad you want, but it's not grooming.

Also I am talking about some different things, including actually having sex, but also existing in sexually charged places. Like it or not but it is what it is. And I'm getting pissed off at the constant implication by ppl on that post to push extremely modern norms onto times from decades ago, as well as validate the age based difference between teenageers and adults.

Being queer is something that can fundamentally disrupt the flow of development and leave you to have to make all these experiences we seek as teenagees as an adult. We of all ppl shouldn't be scandalized by relationships that extend below the magical 18. (Aka the age where the military deems you fit to die for them and nothing else happens).

To treat teenagers seeking community and sex as being groomed is one of the most infantilizing and frankly blind to reality ways to approach that topic. When the options are limited and possibilities we have today straight up do not exist, sometimes the smallest evil is the right choice. I much prefer teenagers learning about sex and having sex on their own terms than being forced to supress themselves only to later try to catch up on experiences they could have had at the time when they actually sought them out and regret not having had the chance while juggling adult life.

This is not advocating for anything. Me saying this will get cropped out of any screenshots making it onto some dumb callout anyway but I still feel the need to specify that. We do not live in those times anymore. Stating that things used to be different is not an endorsement for anything and if you wanna know genuine oppinions on how to treat teenagers now you won't get them unless I feel motivated to write a novel length essay about it.

So don't go fucking putting things in my mouth I never said.

Also this discussion is very american. If you told a non homophobic european like "queer teens used to seek sex with adults a bunch" literally nobody would bat a fucking eye because it would seem obvious.