#actualityszpd

[hetlesbian]

Vent about making friends + loneliness

Making friends feels like being forced to give myself to someone else. Compromises and sacrifices dont feel worth it, I dont expect anyone to ever reciprocate it, so I dont want to try anymore. Now I want to let everyone else make the first move. You really have to be persistent with showing me you care about me, you have to make an effort to really make me feel welcome and included. I wont settle for anything less but I guess thats asking for too much. I find that a lot of schizoids “settle” for random people who even hurt them just because theyre lonely. Ive done it before. It just feels like nobody is “good enough” for me anymore, and if they are, they are disinterested in me. I would rather wait and let good come to me when God wants it to instead of desperately seeking it out everywhere. Atp, if you want me, come and get me. And I really do hope someone finds me at least before I die

There are a lot of people who shame me for being lonely and “not even trying”. But Ive tried so many times and it’s exhausting, it isnt worth the effort. I want someone who will show me how important I am to them, that they want to talk to me specifically, but of course I guess Im too bland and “not all there”. And so Im left being someone’s second choice or last choice or not even a choice at all. Friendship feels like competing with a bunch of other people to get someone to pay attention to you.

I dont bring the same things to a friendship that other people do. I feel like my companionship is more mature(?) in a way, slower to grow but I’d always be patient, consistent and reliable. I dont know how to just jump into a friendship and start making sacrifices for someone without the feeling that Im wasting resources (energy/time) for no reason.