#about to just make like 20 myself and feed the public that is starving (me)

[the-electric-frequency]

PAIN and AGONY that there's not much content for Eledtra that isn't just photos of them. Like I want more silly little aesthetic posts and moodboards for them. We can do it for every other character why not them??

[outootome]

Emeto Questions

Saw someone else do this, so I thought to do it too :'3

Questions and answers after the cut...

1. When did you first realise that you liked puke/vomit/emetophilia as a fetish?

When I started fantasizing about it... I'd been trying to fix my emetophobia by exposure therapy and it kind of backfired

2. What do you enjoy the most about it?

I like the sounds a person makes when puking, and also kinda the look of vomit itself. Also just how much of a vulnerable act it is,,, it'd be nice to be cared for while in such a position

3. Do you prefer to see men puking, women puking or both?

Women..!

4. Have you ever puked on someone else? (A lover or a friend, by accident)

Nope

5. Do you like to make yourself puke or do you prefer to see others puke?

Both

6. Have you ever made yourself puke? (By accident or on purpose)

Yep!!

7. Has anyone ever puked on you?

Yes, on a boat when I was a kid and it was pretty awful since I was incredibly emetophobic... I had to wash vomit out of my hair!!

8. How often do you puke? And do you do it in the bathroom?

Not all that often, mostly when I'm sick. If otherwise, I do try to do it in the bathroom

9. Have you ever puked in public?

Unfortunately yes, multiple times

10. Have you ever puked outside or in public?

Yep

11. Have you ever puked without intending too?

Many many times

12. Have you ever puked whilst you were in bed?

Yeah...

13. Have you ever puked because of something you ate?

I have, it was a peach that had apparently gone bad!

14. Have you ever seen someone else else puke in public?

I have

15. Have you ever made someone else puke? (By overfeeding them, using your fingers or accidentally feeding them something that had gone off)

Nope

16. Have you ever puked somewhere that you shouldn’t have because you really needed to?

Yes. The situation that started my emetophobia; the time I vomited on a McDonald's register(oh, the poor employees...) And also on the floor of a Vietnamese restaurant. Traumatized me!

17. Have you ever puked somewhere you shouldn’t have because you wanted to?

Nope

18. Have you ever been caught making yourself puke, or puking somewhere where you shouldn’t?

I haven't thankfully, having had an eating disorder my family would most likely think I was going back to it(though I never made myself vomit then, it was just starving myself)

19. Has someone ever watched you while you’re puking? (on purpose, or by accident)

Yes. Like that McDonald's employee and the entirety of that Vietnamese restaurant

20. If you puked around your friends or relatives, would you be embarrassed?

Not really, I've done it plenty of times before... How sad, my weak stomach!

[why-rock-look-tasty-if-no-eat]

Below isnt even a quarter of everything I've through, but it is stuff that I have previously told to some friends and all of them have agreed that it's fucked up. So if you're not ready to hear about some stuff from my 23 long years of life then skip this for your sake and mental wellbeing

I have:

Been starved for most of my childhood, some of it intentional by an adult, but most of it came from being so poor that I, a 6-10 yo, had to fish for food to feed the family. I'm the youngest. I was 13-14 when I was denied food every other weekend at my sperm donors house because his gf didn't like my older sibling and I. She apologized to my older sibling about it but not to me

Lived through at least two murder attempts by two family members before I turned 12. One was strangulation (8 yo) another was drowning (11 yo). It wouldn't surprise me if there was attempts on my life while I was sleeping

Accidentally joined a space cult when I was 5, but that cult got ran out of town a few months later

Heard more death threats than my name, I love you's, and nighttime stories between the ages of 5-20. I played a cd of a Junibee Jones book when I 6-7 for comfort before my sperm donor threw it away

Developed a trauma response for sleeping because I thought my sperm donor would kill me in my sleep when I was at his house and my mother didn't believe me even though he was making public death threats against my older sibling and I on facebook. So now I can function for 30+ hours off 2-5 hours of sleep or sleep for 19 hours straight when I feel safe and have been particularly sleep deprived

Been so emotionally, socially, medically, psychologically, and physically abused and neglected that I spent most of my teenage years reminding myself that I'm human because I had to think myself as not-human growing up otherwise I would have gone insane otherwise

Complained so much about being hungry when I was 7-9 that I would sometimes be shoved in the dog kennel (with a corgi and basset hound) and forced to act like a dog to be let out. Including eating dog food and drinking from the water bowl

Been jabbed in the chest when I was 7 with a butter knife and told to shut up or they'd stab me with a kitchen if I asked one time for a spoonful of peanut butter out of the jar that they were eating from

Had to play ignorant when my mother implied that I, a 13 yo at the time, was purposefully plying for the gym teachers 'special attention' (nothing happened except for him looking at me but he did get charged with sleeping with a few cheer leaders)

Under the Geneva Convention I have been psyologically tortured, I don't really know how many times, by social isolation (once, two weeks where I got fed twice a day or they sometimes forgot about me the whole day) and sleep deprivation (idek how many times. Maybe three times?) while working at my last job

Been starved so much for so many years that I developed a habit of eating pieces of dead/ripped skin and scabs. Though I stopped eating scabs when I turned 8

Never said 'I hate this family' since I was 11 after I was practically dragged by my hair off the top bunk and into the kitchen and got my head shoved into the oven and told to be grateful that I have such a good family because other families put their kids in the oven and turned it on and if I didn't stop saying stuff like that, then that's what would happen to me

Eaten moldy foods like bread and grapes because I was to hungry to not waste food, and the mold would help my immune system get stronger

Talked my older sibling out of suicide when I was 14 just for them to suicide bait me every time we've talked this past year. Including on my birthday and our grandfather's funeral. No baiting during their birthday though

Almost lost use of my thumb because a corgi bit through my hand when I was 7-8 and I still have scars from the bite. I don't blame her for it though, my sperm donor was abusing her and I approached her right after he beat her. My mother didn't know this happened until last month despite it being a hospital worthy wound

Been told it was my fault for getting my sperm donor and I in a car accident when I was 5 because I was asking questions at an intersection. The other driver ran the red light and he made me get in a car with people I didn't know, but he did know, to go to kindergarten (where he was driving me) less than fifteen after the accident happened despite me bawling for him to not leave me

Lost two childhood homes (10 and 20) because I wasn't told we/they were moving out until the day of. An older lady poked fun of me when I was 12 for being materialistic about my items and told me about how she once lost everything as a kid and I had to pretend that I also didn't lose most of my childhood items when I was 10

Been in so much pain from a right hip nerve injury that I was able to sit through 3 hours of dental surgery with the local and topical anesthesia being to low of a dosage so I felt most of it. I signaled that I needed more but the dentist and assistant ignored me. That injury was purposefully undiagnosed by 3 doctors and now I have the equivalent sense of touch of wearing a rubber glove over my toes and I have to consciously think where I step

Been told by a group of 5 men that they wouldn't have hesitated to rape me if we didn't work together. I worked night shift with them in a loud environment and wouldn't be off schedule with them for another 2 weeks

My older sibling constantly invalidating my traumas by saying that others have it worse than me while bemoaning about their own life. My mother likes to pretend that my older sibling and I didn't have that bad of childhoods

Cried over two packets of fruit snacks when I was 19 because I asked a roommate to buy me some fruit snacks as a joke and didn't expect her to do it. I kept getting yelled between the ages of 16-18 just for asking to get a 5 dollar meal after a 2 hour long workout twice a week and was told that buying that for me would be a waste of money

One of two of my most prominent memories from childhood is when I was 8 during winter time I walked out of my bedroom before the sun rose and stared into the empty pantry for an hour imagining what it'd look like to have food in there and wondering if it was safe to eat raisins that were 10 months expired

Started a life long hatred towards raisins because they kept those there for months after the above happened and I didn't want to risk eating them but they were one of three things in the pantry at any given point

Two out two most prominent memory is when I was sick with a fever of 103°F (39°C) but was told by my older sibling to get something from upstairs for them because they were playing a game (TS2). By the time I got to the stairs I couldn't walk anymore so I crawled up them but collapsed a few feet from the door. Older sibling told me to stop being lazy and get up to finish my task and started yelling at me when I said I couldn't move so they got up to get it themselves. When they passed me on the stairs I heard them saying "So pathetic and useless, can't even do one thing right" and left me there crying until our parents came home an hour later

Been forced to sit outside during a thunderstorm when I was 6 because I was 'being annoying' about my fear of thunder and I wasn't allowed to go back inside until I finished eating my blueberry bagel

Developed a hatred towards bagels that I only got over a few years ago but I still refuse to touch blueberry bagels. My favorite bagel is cinnamon raisin ironically enough

Known for 8 years now that my older sibling wishes that I was never born and blames me for our fathers war related PTSD and abusive alcoholism after he came back

Never been smart enough for my mother despite me constantly scoring in the top ranks of national tests and being in; AP Literature, AP (English) Language, AP Chemistry, AP Physics, AP US History, AP US Government, AP Psychology, (not AP but its not a normal curricular so I think it gets a pass) Sociology. I played in regular/marching bands, competitve Jazz and City Bands, and a competitive marching band (I played 3 instruments) and I sang in Women's Varsity Choir. Not to mention that I could have gotten my Associates in Criminology before I graduated HS if my mother agreed to drive me to the second year campus. During my last year of national testing I scored in like the 70% range of my weakest subject (math) and my mother told me I could have done better even though I literally only missed I think 2 questions in the English section and like 5 in Science, I don't remember my general score range for History. Legit though, that memory still pisses me the hell off and her reaction as well as me not getting to complete my Associates made me give up for the rest of my HS year and a half. Genuinely though, out of everything that moment was the moment was the straw that broke the camels back but now that I got spinal surgery , I'm filled with the rage of a million yellow jackets whose nest was shooken.

And I'm turned out fine!

Nothing quite like dropping some deranged lore about yourself only to follow it up with, "and I turned out fine!"

[humansofnewyork]

(1/2) “I was forty years old. I’d just graduated law school and was studying for the bar. I was trying to do the single mother thing with no job, no job prospects. And I was on public assistance for the first time in my life. I couldn’t even afford to take yoga. During law school yoga had been the one thing keeping me sane, but I couldn’t even afford to take a single class. My son was born premature, so I’m having to breastfeed every thirty minutes. He’s colicky. He’s screaming for three to six hours a night. My brain was melting from the lack of sleep. I remember one afternoon trying to cook a pot of rice and lentils just to feed myself. My hand is trembling because I’m so hungry, but I’m finally about to shovel some food in my mouth. And this little motherfucker kicks the plate out of my hand. Right then I understood why the hospital makes you sign a piece of paper promising not to shake your baby. Because in that moment I felt like a wild animal: trembling, starving, in pain. Isn’t that the Bronx though? That desperation, that lack of resources, and all this trauma already. Then we retraumatize ourselves with a lack of self-care and self-love. Especially mothers. As far as I’m concerned, the unsupported new mother is the most tragic thing on the planet. This thing here, this meat suit, was created in service of humanity. Nobody serves this species more than us. Not just physically, but emotionally too. If you can make mothers whole and full, you’ll have a whole generation of kids who can solve problems. But we need resources, and space. We need space for that. Thankfully my own mother was a hustler. She was running an insurance agency down the block, and in exchange for keeping her books, she agreed to let me use an empty office. Which gave me an idea. I thought: ‘If I could just fit a couple more people in here, we could afford to hire a yoga instructor.’ So I printed out some fliers. I put them up everywhere. I found a fucking magical yogi named Nyota Nayo, who agreed to do a class for $20. Then I went back to the office, put up a curtain for a dressing room, burned a little incense, and slapped a postcard on the door that said: ‘Yoga Studio.’”

[dangan-writing]

Anon Asked- Hey! I was wondering if I could maybe have some headcanons for Gundham, Fuyuhiko, and Kiyotaka (separately) with an S/O who has trouble eating? Like the S/O is scared they look gross when eating and sometimes doesn't want to eat because they think they look bad? I totally understand if you don't want to so don't worry! Thank you so much, and I hope you have have a good day! /gen

of Course Anon!

I hope this meets up to your expectations! if i doesn’t just tell me so i can rewrite it!

@twisted-lies​

🖌мσ∂ αиgιє🖌

🐾 gυи∂нαм тαиαкα 🐾

Gundham watched as you slowly poked at your food with the fork you were holding, focusing your attention to your friend next to you blabbering on about whatever had came to their head, replying back happily, enjoying every second of the conversation you were having with your friend.

Then the question came out of your best friend’s mouth. “Hey (S/O), are you going to eat that..? you’ve been poking at it for quite a while now...” Your friend tapped their chin then pointing at your fork that was mid way into the lunch. “O-Oh it’s nothing! i’m not hungry today!” you rubbed the back of your neck shyly, a small drop of sweat rolling down your face and to your neck. 

“but didn’t you say that yesterday? and the day before that? AND the day before that! is something wrong (S/O)?! please tell me you’re eating at home!” You best friend exclaimed, gripping your hands. Gundham watched from in front of both of you before speaking up

“(RANDOM NAME) is correct, your weak mortal body needs it’s recourses to keep moving on!” he exclaimed, crossing his arms. “well i just eat a lot at home and-” You get cut off by Your friend pointing the fork towards your mouth, some of the food on it. “here comes the choo choo train (S/O)!” they exclaim, their eyebrows furrowed together with a smile on their face. “n-NO!” you shoved the fork out of your face, causing it to drop on the floor

Your friend blinked at you, shocked at your sudden outburst, they were expecting you to just move your head away and they would continue teasing you. You turn back to your food and stare at it blankly, Gundham looked at you and your best friend.

“(S-S/O)...is thou okay?” he asked, focusing his gaze towards you, you nodded before looking up “i’m sorry about that, let’s just continue talking”

|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

-Gundham ended up finding out you weren’t eating cause you didn’t like people seeing you eat

-he attempted to reassure you that (quote on quote) “No Mortal would dare turn their wretched gaze to thou while thou feasts”

-you found it cute and that small reassurement let Gundham see you eat

-you were nervous at first but Gundham said (again quote on quote) “that thou, seems to be in the most peaceful state while feasting, your cheeks also start looking like chipmunks when you chew” he mumbled that last part

-Gundham suggest you eat more in public

-he supports you in anyway he can

-and eventually you start eating front of a small group of your friends, trusting they won’t tease you about how you eat

-all thanks to GUNDHAM TANAKA-

👶fυуυнιкσ кυzυяуυ👶

You sat next to Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi talking to them both while poking the food with a fork, often stopping, when you had to get up to do something. Both males would look at each other and ask question why haven’t you’ve been eating? and when you would return they would quickly change the subject and act like nothing was wrong

“Heyy! (S/O)! can you try this for me! i made it myself and wanted someone to taste test it first!” Kazuichi said, holding up a small container with some food in it. Kazuichi gave a thumbs up to Fuyuhiko while the small yakuza just drank a juicebox giving him the same motion. “o-oh sorry Kazuichi i-” The pinkette quickly shoved the food into your face in hopes of you taking it and eating it, clinging on to the strand of hope that you were starving and would want to eat. “come on! my cooking is that bad is it...?!” he exclaimed 

‘n-no of course not! it’s just that-” you were once again cut off by Kazuichi “then why won’t you eat it?!” he shoved the container closer to your face to the point where it was like a hand holding you back “Because i’m not hungry, Kazuichi” you attempted to remain calm, moving the container from your face.

Fuyuhiko, who was watching from a distance, sighed, taking a quick sip of the juicebox, and walking towards you both “if you want i can taste it first and you can try it after” Fuyuhiko suggests, Kazuichi stares at him as if he is holding a gun to his forehead, mouthing ‘Dude! the plan!’ Fuyuhiko shrugged and put his juicebox on the table and grabs the container full of the homemade food and took off the lid, taking the spoon from Kazuichi and dug in. 

“this is amazing Kazuichi, you should cook more, here, (S/O) try some” Fuyuhiko scooped some of the food and held it in front of you mouth. “i w-would gladly try some b-but-” another moment where you can’t finish your sentence, Fuyuhiko had groaned and started nearly shouting at you “Damnit! why won’t you just eat?!” He snarled, Kazuichi behind you both sat Fuyuhiko down “maybe we should listen to them-” Now Kazuichi was the one who was cut off. “No idiot! i’m making them eat this if it’s the last thing i do, Now open your goddamn mouth!” Fuyuhiko nearly shoved the food in your mouth if it wasn’t for the fact you moved your head. The small Yakuza boy glared at you once again attempting to feed you, his stubbornness getting the best of him. “Dude leave them be! if they don’t want to eat they shouldn’t have to!” Kazuichi exclaimed, grabbed Fuyuhiko’s arm and sat him back down in his seat. “just calm down” Kazuichi patted Fuyuhiko’s back. Fuyuhiko let out a sigh and started to eat his own food again, staring up at you every once in a while.

|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

-If Fuyuhiko found out that you weren’t eating because you were self conscious

-prepare for a 20 minute lecture from him on how you’re amazing and shouldn’t care about other’s opinion

-he’s now pushing you to try and eat in front of him to see if that eases you into eating in public

-”why in the world would i give a fuck about how you look when you eat? i don’t care how you eat, as long as you’re eating in general”

 -any time you eat in front of him he’ll compliment you so much just to boost your self esteem

-he eventually convinces you to start eating in front of Kazuichi

-Kazuichi accidently offended you which caused Fuyuhiko to death glare him along with smack him on the back of the neck

-if someone were to insult you about how you look while eating, Fuyuhiko threatens to “dispose” of them if you know what i mean

-after a few months you can now eat in public without feeling having to focus on how others think of you

-all thanks to Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

🧭кιуσтαкα ιѕнιмαяυ🧭

“Mr/Ms. (L/N)! it is required that all students eat at lunch since it’s against school rules to eat anywhere else!” Your friend Kiyotaka exclaimed, after watching you poke at your meal for 10 minutes “Oh i’m not hungry Taka” you smile at your friend, trying to ignore the feeling of hunger in your stomach

“but-” You cut Kiyotaka off “seriously, i’m not hungry, i ate a big breakfast at home this morning” that was a lie, you only at some pancakes and eggs along with some orange juice and you were absolutely starving, you would sometimes eat in the bathroom if your hunger got to out of hand.

Taka sighed “i guess” he muttered, looking down at his own lunch and sighed, “i’m...worried about you, you know? i never see you eat at lunch...” Taka rubs the back of his neck, looking away from you disappointed. you also looked down sadly, silence fell between you two.

|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

-he eventually found out you would starve yourself  during lunch

-taka nearly had a heart attack, and almost nearly cried

-he offered you 

-you had turned around and eaten it so he wouldn’t see how you looked while eating

-when finally pieced together why you didn’t eat

-he takes you to the guidance councilor daily

-you became friends with your councilor and she helps you with your self esteem every day during lunch

-she encourages you to eat in front of Taka, in which you do

-he threw your self confidence through the roof with the compliments he gave you

-anytime you eat he’ll look at you and blush, telling you how cute you are when eating

-you only eat in front of Taka, and Taka only

_______________________________________________________________

Mod Angie apologizes that Taka’s was so short, i couldn’t really think of much for him

i hope you enjoy this though! 

мαу αтυα вℓєѕѕ уσυя ∂αу

🖌мod Angie signing off🖌

[imo-chan-imagines]

『 Haikyuu!! Week 2020 | Day 5 』

· Sept. 29th → Habit is Second Nature ·

Characters: female!reader, Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou, Tsukishima Kei, Yamaguchi Tadashi (+ bonus characters: Bokuto Koutarou, Kuroo Testurou)

Prompts: A. best character development + B. patterns and habits

Tags/warnings: Haikyuu!! (anime), PG, fluff, headcanons, patterns and habits, best character development

A/N: I haven't done any character x reader stuff for this challenge yet because I tend to do NSFW stuff. But I thought I'd do some fluffy stuff about the characters with the best development and their habits as your boyfriend! (Plus a couple of bonus boys, because I couldn't help myself!! 🥰)

All my Haikyuu Week 2020 posts will be SFW, but I have NSFW stuff on my blog too. Feel free to take a gander. Thanks for reading! Please enjoy ♡ Imo~

Haikyuu × reader / patterns and habits

☆ Kageyama Tobio ☆

Gets up at 5:30am to go for a run every morning but forgets to send you a 'good morning' text don't be upset, it just doesn't really occur to him

Gets all giddy when he receives one from you, though literally cannot stop smiling. Doesn't know what to do with himself

Often forgets his pencil case and comes by your class to borrow stuff

When he buys milk from the vending machine, he will start buying some for you as well without you asking he's trying to show he cares

Milk makes him happy, so it should make you happy too, right? 😭

Frowns and blushes when you start hugging and nuzzling him in public he'll start stammering, too, if you took him by surprise

But then he pouts when you stop 🤭

Is embarrassed about asking you to touch him my poor touch-starved baby 😭

Blushes and looks at the floor whenever he talks about something romantic or intimate

Leans his forehead against yours when he wants to express how he feels but doesn't know how I might be crying...

He loves hearing the sound of your voice, so he often falls asleep while in the middle of a late-night phone call with you you can hear the soft sound of his breathing through the receiver 😭😭

Writes down important dates you tell him because he just knows he's going to forget them

Discretely interlaces his fingers with yours when he feels vulnerable prOTECT HIM

Lots and lots of hugs from behind because eye contact can be a bit much for him, and he's sometimes nervous about you seeing his face

Can get angry and shout at you without warning when he's stressed or upset, and he feels terrible after

Writes out his apologies on reams and reams of paper and rehearses them a million times in front of the mirror but somehow still forgets most of it?

Smiles like a literal angel when he does something to make you happy that's all he wants, y'all 😭

Will try his best at everything, whether it's trying new things with you or doing the same old stuff he's always done

Nuzzles the back of your neck when you're spooning, and kisses his way across your shoulders and down your back as a way of saying, 'I love you and you're mine'

☆ Hinata Shouyou ☆

Says the cheesiest, most romantic things to you with a straight face, but blushes and hides his face when you return the favour

Bounces around the room when he's excited

Always asks you how your day was and is genuinely interested

Rests his head on your shoulder when you're sitting together

Shouts really loudly at random moments because of surprise/frustration/excitement/any sudden emotion, really 😅 gives you mini heart attacks

Always sneezes really fucking loudly??

Sends you adorable cat videos when he knows you've had a bad day

Subtly presses his leg against yours whenever you're sat together, especially when you're both supposed to be studying 👀

Wipes your cheeks and kisses the end of your nose whenever you've been crying

Sings in the shower because he thinks you can't hear him

Will give his gym towel to you with a smile whenever you get soaked in the rain rather than dry himself off

Treasures every little gift you get him

Is fine becoming a human hot water bottle by little-spooning every month when your period comes around he runs at a really high temperature, and actually really enjoys it. So cute 😍

Runs down the halls to your class every break to bring you your favourite drink from the vending machine

Loves sharing cakes with you and feeding each other it sounds cringy, but he makes it so cute and natural

Always pulls goofy faces when he Snapchats you

Leaves you cute voicemails when he wanted to talk to you but you're busy

Shows up unannounced at your house when he's troubled because he just really needs to see you

If he just sees your face, then he knows that it's somehow going to be alright

Y'all, I can't 😭😭🤧

☆ Tsukishima Kei ☆

Teases the crap out of you on a regular basis just to see you all pouty and frustrated

Pretends not to remember your birthday/anniversary/etc. every year so he can drop by your house later that day and surprise you with a gift

Pulls your cheeks when he thinks you're being too cute

Kisses the ends of your fingers when he wants to show affection but doesn't know how

Flicks your forehead whenever he thinks you're being stupid or irritating 🙄

Lowkey blushes every time he sees you cheering for him in the stands I SEE THAT LITTLE SMILE, TSUKKI

Makes you sit on his lap all the time for no good reason other than to tease you bruh

Often ends up taking the teasing too far and winds up feeling rotten because you're now genuinely upset

Sucks at applogies, but will always try to set it right if he's at fault, even if it's awkward

Gives the biggest, warmest hugs when he wants to which isn't much, but hey. Take what you can get

Always sends you a text to make sure you've got home safe, but it's never in those words. It's always under the guise of something else Tsukki, pLEaSE

Grumbles to himself out of jealousy whenever you show attention to other guys, especially his brother

Deliberately gives you his sweaters and hoodies to wear after a shower because he thinks it's super cute, but acts like it's nothing you ain't slick, Tsukki 🤣

☆ Yamaguchi Tadashi ☆

Reaches for your hand first whenever you're together

Nose and forehead kisses when he sees you in the morning

Hand-picks a bunch of flowers for you every Monday because he knows you hate Mondays 🥺🤧

Waits for you at the gate after school every day

Always stands up for you, no matter what he may be soft, but he's not a WUSS 😠

Asks to borrow your other earphone whenever you're listening to something

Wants to spoon with you whenever he's feeling down and you'll never refuse

Always arrives 15 minutes early for every date despite changing his outfit several times out of nervousness

Blushes in pride whenever he lends you his jacket because you're cold adorbs

Sends you little pick-me-up messages when you're busy so you can read them when you're free

Helps you tie up your hair for gym class, and is surprisingly good at making pretty hairstyles

Traces his fingers over your palms and other body parts whenever you're curled up together

Has your name saved on every social media and contact list as something cute like 'My Sunshine 💛' or 'My Honeybee 🐝'

Twiddles his hair around his finger a lot, especially when he's daydreaming about you let's hope he doesn't start balding 😭

Will rush to your class with an umbrella on rainy days in case you forgot one

Loves sitting on the swings with you whenever you pass them on the way home, and making you giggle by pushing you higher and higher

(Bonus boys)

☆ Bokuto Koutarou ☆

Sends a stream of soppy hype-texts every morning for you to wake up to

Will stop by your house and pick you up for school, even if you live literal miles away from him he just wants to see you

Grabs you by the waist and picks you up at least once a day, often in front of a crowd of people he's a fan of PDA

Peppers you with kisses when he sees you for the first time each day

Hypes you up to no end. Literally cannot sing your praises enough

Is constantly looking for compliments, and is not-so subtle about it

Gets easily depressed when you don't notice he did something differently etc.

Will kiss you in front of everyone when he wins a game and you come down to congratulate him literally doesn't care. He's too proud of you

Is constantly asking for massages, whether or not he needs them, because he enjoys the contact

Sometimes you want to staple his mouth shut because he has a habit of getting too excited and talking with his mouth full 🙃

Doesn't stop texting you and sending you Snapchats

Is kind of oblivious if he's done something that upset you, and starts freaking out when someone Akaashi finally tells him

Doesn't plan or rehearse his apologies, because he literally just says exactly what he means 100% of the time

May start choking up and crying if what he did was bad enough, because he just feels so, so guilty

Constantly reminds you when you said you would make him a lunchbox because he loves it so much and wants to boast to his friends

Likes you sitting on his lap while you do stuff together I mean...👀

Calls you 'puppy' and 'kitten' etc. unabashedly in public boi, pLEASE

Insists on giving you piggyback rides whenever your feet hurt 🐷

Saves every single selfie you send him. He treasures every single one, and tears sometimes come to his eyes when he scrolls through them he's so whipped for you, my gal

☆ Kuroo Testurou ☆

Stays up all night texting you he might be getting bags

But it's fine. It just adds to the emo look

Takes your bag and carries it for you without you asking him to

Facetimes you randomly

When you ask what it's about, he says he just missed you/wanted to see your face smooth mf

His hand always finds its way around your waist whenever you're walking together

He scrolls through your old conversations when he misses you

Will ruffle your hair to tease you just so he can spend the next 20 minutes brushing it for you

Steals food from your lunch every day he's lucky he's pretty

Stands outside your house with a boombox blasting love ballads like a giant nerd when he wants to surprise you just imagine it for a second. Let the image sink in

Ends up stroking your hair when you're cuddling together

And subconsciously cradles your stomach a lot because he really wants to start a family with you Testu!!! 🥺😭🤧

Always sends you 'Send This To Your Crush Without Context' videos, despite the fact that you guys have literally been dating for years no caption or anything, either. Just the video

Will probably continue to do it even once you're married, tbh

Always, always, always walks you home

© imo-chan-imagines 2020

[worldwidemochiguy]

Reticence (soft! Yandere Hoseok)

Summary: You were always terrified of getting kidnapped when you were younger, and now that you’ve been taken by a man who claims to want to take care of you, you recede within yourself so far you refuse to even eat... but Hoseok is determined to let nothing hurt you, not even yourself.

Warnings: Kidnapping, kind of Stockholm syndrome, mentions of not eating so if you’re sensitive to that kind of stuff pls be careful <3 Yandere behaviour, though I am kind of romanticising it in this fic, please remember that that is all it is: Fiction. Obviously in real life this behaviour would be unacceptable and horrifying. 

Word Count: 2.2K

Masterlist :)

a/n: my first hobi fic!!! this is for @kpopgirlbtssvt​ from a request made about a billion years ago (sorry :/ ) for made-for-each-other verse! Yandere Hobi with a shy reader who wouldn’t talk even though he begged her to, and then him coming home from work to her telling him she missed him and was glad he was home. this was a lil less fluffy and a lil more angsty than i intended, but its still a ‘happy ending’ bc im a weak bitch with simple pleasures, what can i say lmao

Reticence

“What do you want for breakfast, sunshine?” 

Silence. 

Hoseok sighed, then straightened up again, walking over to the refrigerator. You remained sat by the kitchen island, empty gaze fixed on the marble countertop. 

“Omelettes it is, then!” He exclaimed with artificial excitement, trying to be cheery in the face of your taciturnity, but even the sunshiney optimist that was Hoseok was finding it more difficult than he expected. He had hoped that by now you would’ve accepted him, but you remained as quiet and unresponsive as the day he brought you home. Not that you thought of it as ‘home’ yet, but he hoped you would eventually. Hoseok was not a patient man, but he was willing to wait forever for you. 

You didn’t even blink when he set the plate down in front of you. It didn’t seem like you were going to attempt to eat it either. Hoseok sighed. He could understand if you didn’t want to talk to him yet — even though it had been months and he’d been nothing but kind to you — but he drew the line at refusing to eat. 

You had lost weight. The cute cheeks he loved to watch bunch up as you smiled were now sunken. Your beautiful figure which he had admired from afar was starting to become worryingly waif-like. Hoseok frowned, a crinkle between his brows forming for the first time as his usually exuberant features warped with agitation.

“Listen, Y/n-” Hoseok sat down at the kitchen island across from you, bracing his forearms against the table and leaning forwards. “You have to eat. I promise there’s nothing in it that could hurt you. Look, I’ll even eat it myself!” Hoseok carved out a small piece of the omelette and popped it in his mouth, exaggerating his chewing and swallowing. “See?” You offered no reaction, and Hoseok felt his disappointment join the omelette on its way down to his stomach. 

“I can understand that you maybe aren’t so happy with me right now, but that doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself. Just, please, please stop shutting me out.” His pleading tone did nothing to move you. You just sat there like a ghost, and a groan of frustration slipped out of Hoseok. 

“Please! I’m begging you! Just eat! I don’t understand, all I want to do is take care of you! All I want to do is love you, why won’t you accept me? Why won’t you even talk to me?” 

The only sound was Hoseok’s harsh breaths after his outburst. If he couldn’t see the slow rise and fall of your chest, Hoseok would think you weren’t alive at all. He slumped in his seat, allowing himself to wallow in self-pity for a moment, before forcing himself to get up and ready for work. When he passed through the kitchen again on his way out the door you were still sitting there, staring at the countertop. 

The front door banged shut, the sound echoing in the apartment. Then, silence. And then, very quietly, the noises of cutlery moving against a plate and chewing. 

~~~~~~

“I don’t know what to do~” Hoseok whined, his head buried in his hands. Around him, his shocked friends were gathered in an informal circle. Each of them had an expression with varying degrees of surprise and confusion — they had never seen Hoseok, the literal personification of sunshine, so dismayed. 

“It’ll be ok, Hoseok. I know it’s bad at the moment, but you just have to wait until she trusts you. Once you achieve her trust, you’ll both be the happiest you’ve ever been.” Taehyung reassured him. Taehyung was obviously the source of authority, since him and his wife were basically the perfect couple. 

“But what if she never trusts me?” Hoseok fretted, before groaning again. “She won’t even eat! I don’t know what to do, I’m just watching her slowly starve in front of me and she won’t even look at me!” The rest of the group paused as they digested this new information. It seemed this girl was particularly stubborn.

“Force feed her then.” Jin shrugged and Hoseok’s head shot up in outrage.

“No! I could never hurt her like that!”

“You’re hurting her by letting her starve.” Jeongguk pointed out, and Namjoon smacked the back of his head, chastising. Meanwhile, Hoseok looked like he was about to cry.

“Listen, Hoseok, are you sure this girl is the one?” Jimin questioned, bracing his clasped hands on his knees. 

“I know she is.” Hoseok replied with a conviction he rarely used. “The second she came into my life, it was like I was born again and she was the first thing I saw. The only thing I could see. Her face- God, it just… glows. She’s like sunshine. She’s an angel. She’s so beautiful and kind and fragile and I want to protect her from everything, and I don’t deserve her but no one else does either and I know we’re meant to be together. If I thought I could’ve let her go, I would have. But I can’t. I have to have her, she has to be mine.” 

The circle of men was quiet for a second, before a quiet chuckle broke the silence. 

“Well then,” Yoongi rasped, “if she’s all that you say she is-”

“She is.” Hoseok interjected fiercely.

“Then all you can do is have a little patience.”

~~~~~~~~~~

It was incredibly boring being kidnapped. Especially when your kidnapper did nothing interesting except make bad food and dance along to music from the TV surprisingly well and cry sometimes when you wouldn’t look at him. Frankly, it would have been easier if he were more of the torturey-type, because it was really hard to stay stubborn in the face of his sparkling eyes and radiant smile.

When you were younger, there was a poster up on the wall of your homeroom at school. On it was an old man with an ugly sneer and a beige trench-coat, with the slogan ‘DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS’ superimposed in glaring red letters. You used to stare up at the poster and wonder how anyone could be so stupid as to talk to someone who looked like that. 

You were never afraid to yell ‘STRANGER DANGER’ at the highest decibel your little lungs could manage whenever a person brushed too close to you in the mall. It was almost a habit — you were avidly fixated on your own personal safety, much to your mother’s chagrin and public embarrassment. Being banned from all the surrounding stores within a 20 mile radius had two consequences:

You had to drive forty minutes for a new pair of socks.

You stayed at home a lot more than you went out.

You became a homebody, and it was certainly not something you were unhappy about. Staying safe in your room meant there was less risk for someone to kidnap you. The comforting layer of your blanket was a shield from everything bad in the world. When your parents were arguing constantly, screaming at each other every other night, you would just tuck yourself in and read a bedtime story on your own since they were both occupied. When your parents eventually divorced, you buried yourself under your duvet rather than answer their questions about who you wanted to stay with, and what your preference was. When your mom died in a car crash, and your dad started drinking, your mattress was the shoulder you could cry on, your blanket was a warm arm holding you close. You had always felt safe in your bed. Perhaps that was why you were having such an averse reaction to being taken from it.

Hoseok was not a man with an ugly sneer and a trench coat. He had an impeccable sense of style, and his smile was breathtaking on the few occasions that it appeared. You more often saw his face twisted into a pained grimace. For a kidnapper, he was awfully sensitive. You were pretty sure it was reasonable for you to be holding grudge, and it’s not as if you were actively fighting against him or anything. You were just refusing to acknowledge him. You were highly skilled at repressing things, or ignoring them, and you were resolved to do the same now. 

By 7 o’ clock, your resolve was slightly eroded. Hoseok always arrived back at half-past 5 on the dot. He was a very punctual person, and you felt an unwelcome sense of worry curl along the edges of your mind as the clock counted away the seconds of him not being there. You remembered feeling the same way when you waited for your mom to pick you up from your dads, watching the clock hand sweep past the numbers, increasingly taunting. Of course, you hadn’t realised that she was at the time caught in between a lorry with a drunk driver and a very steep incline. You wondered if you were being similarly clueless now. 

When the door clicked open at quarter to 9, you had to restrain yourself from exhaling in relief. Hoseok came in looking slightly disheveled, his collar undone and his hair mussed as if he had ran his hands through it over and over again. He gave you a quick once over to see if you were alright, shot you a small, forced smile and then went straight to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

That was odd. He never closed the door to his bedroom. He had always left it open in case you needed anything, despite your refusal to acknowledge him. First, his late arrival and now yet another uncommon action? You felt curiosity bubble within you. That was it. Curiosity. It’s not that you were at all worried about him, you were just being nosy. Of course. 

You tiptoed towards the door, tracing a finger around the door frame lightly. What if he didn’t even come out again for dinner? You doubted he had dined out without you, he had been eating his meals sitting across from you while you refused to touch yours since the day he stole you. You really should check on him, if only for the fact that if he dies then you’re trapped here with a high chance of starvation.

Before you could convince yourself not to, you opened the door and stepped inside. The only light-source came from the moonlight filtering through the window, casting Hoseok’s form lying on the bed in a deep blue. His eyes, which you assumed had been closed previously, shot open to observe you as he propped himself up on the backs of his forearms.

“Y/n.” He rasped, and a pleasant shiver ran down your spine. “D-do you need anything?” His tone was both excited and confused, probably because you had literally never directly interacted with him before. 

You didn’t speak, and for the first time your silence was due to speechlessness, rather than a conscious desire.

“I-I, uh,” You stuttered, and Hoseok sat up ramrod straight, hearing your voice for the first time. “You… were late home.”

Hoseok felt like he couldn’t breathe. Your voice was so soft and pretty, fuck, and you were actually looking at him, you were actually talking to him, holy shit- and you called the apartment home. You said he was late ‘home’. Hoseok somehow managed to keep his shit together. 

“I was?”

“Yes.” You confirmed with a small nod of your head. Fuck, you were so cute. “You normally come back at half five. It’s almost nine now.”

“I’m sorry. I was working late.” He was staying at the office because he felt guilty for not taking proper care of you and wanted to avoid seeing the proof of your unhappiness, but you didn’t need to know that. 

“It’s ok.”

You remained standing at the foot of the bed, locked in his gaze. The bed looked so comfortable, moulding to support his body, and his warm body was exactly the comforting presence you were searching for all those years ago and you found yourself asking,

“Can I sleep in the bed with you?” 

It was a quiet, timid suggestion but Hoseok reacted to it like a bombshell. His eyes practically popped out of their sockets and his entire body tensed. You were about to rescind your offer when he reached out a tugged a corner of the blanket down, welcoming you into the warmth. 

You awkwardly sat on the edge of the mattress, nudging off your house slippers with your toes before slipping under the covers. The relief was instantaneous, shrouded in comforting and familiar warmth, and you couldn’t stop yourself from plastering yourself against his side, arm reaching out tentatively to rest on his chest. You felt his muscles jump under your touch, before his arm slid under you and tucked around your shoulders, drawing you into him closer. You closed your eyes, letting out a quiet little sigh, and you let yourself say the words you wish you could’ve said all those years ago when your mother never returned.

“I’m glad you’re home. I missed you.” 

[itslifethroughmyeyes]

3 Seeds of Wisdom that changed my life!

I was bullied, mocked, and humiliated both in private and in public by people that I had trusted the most in my life, and I didn’t know how to put an end to the constant torture and torment.

The truth is I was never conditioned to stand up for myself but to always surrender in the name of courtesy; nor did I have any self-awareness about my rights.

But life doesn’t always work that way!

My life took a turn when I was accepted for a full-bright scholarship in a prestigious UK University. Little did I know that my life was about to change forever, for the better…

It was on my third day on campus that I met her. She would turn out to be my Academic Advisor for two years.

She was like Master Oogway to me! Yeah, the one that the plump panda had in the “Kung Fu Panda” movie: so full of sagacity, splattering out wisdom in a cascade; pure, profound, and always composed and calm.

I had an emotional breakdown during our first meeting; sinking in the quicksand of embarrassment, I rushed to apologize to her. To my utter surprise, this is how she responded:

She: “Gul, why are you sorry? For breaking down in front of your academic advisor or for showing the human side of your personality?” I watched her gracefully rising to her feet and grabbing a napkin.

Me: “I didn’t mean to be vulnerable.”

While offering the napkin to me, she continued;

“Our vulnerabilities are what make us human. Never feel sorry for expressing your emotions. It takes a lot of strength to put your emotions out there for people to see. You are rather stronger than others.”

She then picked three sunflower seeds from the intricately ornate Iznik pottery bowl (one she had probably bought from a holiday to Turkey) and placed them on the table between us.

She: “Consider these as seeds of wisdom, plant them down in your mind and soul, feed them with daily practice and commitment, let them grow in your personality.”

I still remember the spell that her undulated voice and unprecedented words cast on me that day.

Her first piece of wisdom was:

Be fierce, focused, and fearless, and let it translates through your work:

Have you ever heard about human kleptoparasites?

There is a village in the Central African Republic where locals steal prey from predators for their own survival. A lion pride is tolerated in the surrounding area because when they hunt the villagers take away the lions’ prey.

For a split second, imagine yourself looting food from a starving lion, even from a tame one. Could you do that? The answer would most probably be ‘No.’

Animals can sense our fear. The moment you get scared the famished lion would pounce on you and knock you down. Then suffocate you to death by clamping his jaws on your throat.

Without sweeping generalizations, I believe humans as social animals are more or less the same as wild lions. We can sense feelings and emotions, fragility and firmness, aversions and inclinations, love and hate!

It takes a lot of courage to be that fearless.

Looking straight into the eyes of adversity: overpower it instead of being overwhelmed; remain focused than become its fugitive; be fierce rather than feeble in your words and actions- that’s how we overcome our demons.

Holding on to the first seed of wisdom, I entered the lecture hall the next day without any sign of trepidation, but rather with a new sense of self-confidence and so aced a presentation I had to give.

2- First thing to do in the morning: decide how you will spend the rest of the day.

While I was in Jordan for my Arabic Language Immersion Program, I got into a scuffle with my roommate and a classmate over a petty issue. Our trivial scuffle turned into a massive brawl that ultimately started taking a toll on my mental and emotional health.

I am sure we all have been in situations where our emotions take control over us, and we lose our cool.

Here I would like to drop the second seed of wisdom that helped me through this difficult time:

“Every morning, the moment you wake up, you have the chance to set the tone for the rest of your day, be it positive or negative, you should be the one deciding it. Don’t let people decide it for you.”

According to scientists, the first 20 minutes of our day holds a decisive role in our success in life as our brains and bodies are in an alpha state.

During alpha state, your subconscious mind is highly active. It is your time for the power play.

Use it wisely!

Always remember what Napoleon Hill-the author of Think and Grow Rich (1937) said:

You are the master of your own destiny!

So, own it! Be the master!

Unconsciously, we often fall prey to the whirlpool of others’ emotional and mental traps that do more harm than any good.

Don’t fall prey to such nonsense. If it’s not your circus, it shouldn’t be your monkey!

Train your subconscious mind to direct your vim and vigour on constructive and productive activities, and you can plan out a prudent to-do-list within the first 20 minutes of your day:

· Try jotting down your short-term goals or make a to-do-list.

· Watching a TED-talk every morning before turning in for work is also highly effective: at least it worked for me!

· Many people start a skill or activity with great enthusiasm, but their zeal soon peters out. Persistence is the key to unlock the door of success and anything that we wish to achieve in life.

3- Make connections: the more diverse, the better!

I lived in a small village in the central part of Pakistan. A place where it seemed everyone knew everything and everyone’s business around them. Denizens were cosily dwelling in their safe bubble that nobody ever tried to look outside the village or even bother to visit the adjacent town.

In the UK, I was exposed to a whole new world of multicultural and multinational identities. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond to it.

I just tried to wind my way through it all without connecting to even a single soul.

But I kept observing, gauging, and analysing people around me.

It made me understand people in a more nuanced way.

The most riveting thing I observed in humans is that we long for similarities, likenesses, and mirror images of our thoughts and identities.

We lean towards national, cultural, ethnic, or even linguistic clusters aligned to our hues of personality. We find serenity and felicity in these cocoons because sameness seems easier to handle.

What we often overlook is the power of diversity and pluralism within society. We can learn more from people who are different from us as they challenge our pre-established notions.

A pluralist, cosmopolitan society is a society which not only accepts difference but actively seeks to understand it and to learn from it. In this perspective, diversity is not a burden to be endured but an opportunity to be welcomed.

(An excerpt from the lecture of Aga Khan at Harvard University Cambridge)

Let’s make the most out of this opportunity.

Fortunately, we live in a very fluid world where globalization and technology have made it easier for humans to connect and create collaborations.

Keeping in view the chaos the global pandemic has brought in the world, sisterhood, brotherhood, partnerships, and associations across borders are needed more now than ever before.

Reach out to people in need!

Be kind, where kindness is needed.

Be forgiving, where forgiveness is needed.

Be a source of hope, where hope is needed.

Make this world a better place for humankind- a world of opportunities and happiness.

That’s what she (my Master Oogway) taught me, and I have internalized for good.

What I shared was the odyssey of just three seeds.

But the story doesn’t end here. Remember, she had an intricately ornate Iznik pottery bowl full of seeds!

[dianapana]

SasuHina Month 2020 - Day 5

Prompt –Collage AU

Long Distance- Part 3

Hinata POV

Sasuke drives like a pro; whenever I’m in the car with Ino I fear for my life, Neji drives really smoothly but he always goes really really and I mean really fast so, I find myself griping the side of my seat a lot. But with Sasuke the speed is good I don’t feel like we’re about to pierce to the vail of time and his movements are confident and easy; he seems to be at ease. We’ve been on the road for about 45 minutes and we haven’t really spoken much but the silence is pleasant and it doesn’t bother me.

“So, you’re from Konoha and about my age how come we never met in school?” Sasuke is the one to break the silence.

“I was homeschooled until 10th grade. And after that I went to Suna Academy for girls. I am what you would call ‘sheltered’. My mom told my dad I should attend public school before university but he just about had a heart attack. He didn’t really want me going to University either” I didn’t mind being homeschooled I’m more of an introvert and I know that; it’s not because I didn’t go to public school it’s just how I am and I’m ok with that. But I did want to go to university so I fought for that as well and when mom came to my aid too dad didn’t stand a chance. I’m happy with my decision; I’ve made a few really good friends and enjoyed the experience so far. I also loved the freedom of doing whatever I wanted without asking for permission. I’m not a party person but I did discover I enjoy certain things that mom or dad would never allow.

“Ah makes sense. My older brother was homeschooled for about 2 years but neither mom nor dad really liked that so when I started school, they sent me to public school from the get go”

“Are you going to be a senior this year?” he looks older and more mature than I do, or at least than I feel.

“Yep, what about you?” I look from the corner of my eyes at the way his muscles move in his arm when he changes the gear. He’s not built like most guys in my classes.

“I’m also going to be a senior. What’s your major?”

“I only declared my major last semester so despite it being my last year I’ll have a lot of courses to take. I’m majoring in education. I was accepted on athletic scholarship and have been a starter on the hokey team since the second semester of my freshman year so I plan to either go pro or coach. What about you?”

“I major in creative writing and minor in photography or as my dad says, I’m paying money to become a starving artist. I’ve never seen a hockey game; my sister likes it and played a little in middle school but I was away in Suna so I never went to any of her games.”

We talk a little more about collage, I find out that he lives with one of his teammates who is also his best friend and another friend that’s a tattoo artist and is majoring in fine arts at KU. I also applied there but the creative writing program is better at the UoA. I did hear that the graphic design department from KU has some of the pest teachers in the country. I told him about Ino who I met at orientation but, we also share the same minor; her major though is flower arts, surprisingly she has a lot of business-oriented courses to pretty much teach her how to run her own shop. We’re about 15 minutes away from KU and once again I feel guilty; he’s been on the road for 4 hours even though under normal circumstances he’d just now hit the road. After passing KU we finally hit the highway and Sasuke speeds up but it’s still comfortable.  

We talk a little more for the following few hours and I’m surprised by how easy it is to talk to him. He even explains hockey to me as briefly as possible and says he’ll invite me to a game when the season starts. The implication that we will talk after the end of this pleases me. We’re about half the way to Konoha when we stop so Sasuke can fill the tank and so we can go to the bathroom, maybe drink another coffee since we drank the extra ones I packed as well already and eat something. Thankfully the gas station has a McDonalds next to it.

Sasuke POV

Once we hit the road again after eating the only noise is the radio but we don’t talk. The silence isn’t unwelcomed and awkward. After a couple more minutes I peek at Hinata and see she has fallen asleep. I dim the music a little and continue driving. We have about 5 more hours to go.

About 4 hours later I make another stop at the gas station; I need to go to the bathroom. Hinata hasn’t woken up yet. I’m debating whether to wake her up or not when her phone starts ringing loudly and waking her up anyway. She wakes up and answers in a hurry while rubbing the sleep away from her eyes.

“Hey mom. Yea we’re about…” she looks towards me and I mouth ‘1 hour away’ “1 hour away. We just stopped at a gas station. I’ll see you soon ok? I want to go to the bathroom. Bye” she hangs up not really waiting for a reply.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry I fell asleep for like 4 hours.” Her cheeks are red and I can tell she feel guilty and embarrassed but I shrug.

“No big deal” It looks like she wants to apologize again so I get out of the car. Each of us goes to the bathroom and then Hinata buys some snacks and I get myself a Pepsi and we get back on the road.

Hinata rips open the packet of candy she bought and eats a few. “Do you want some?” she asks. Usually I’m not a huge fan of sweets but I do want some sugar to get energy so I nod. I can’t take my hand that instant off the wheel so I make a small pause with full intention to extend it in a few moments but before I can do that Hinata leans over and pops a candy in my mouth. I am shocked and I look at her from the corner of my eye and she is frozen in place, her face red as a beat.

“I…umm I am sorry” her voice is barely a whisper and she leans back in her seat. “I did that without thinking sorry. I do that whenever Ino drives. In the beginning she would take her hand pff the wheel mid turn and it would freak me out so I developed this habit of feeding her rather than her letting go of the wheel. I am so so so sorry” she talks really fast and her hands are over her cheeks.

“It’s ok. You just surprised me” I say. Hinata I realize is very socially awkward. She blushes easily and apologizes a lot about everything. Despite me trying to reassure her she doesn’t talk much for the rest of the road.

Hinata POV

The candy incident happened almost 20 minutes ago but my heart still beats way too fast. I did that on instinct and the moment my fingertips touched his lips I was gone. I am way too aware of him now to be able to talk to him normally. Even if I don’t want to I notice everything about him. From his muscles that shift whenever he moves the slightest bit, to his beautiful profile, to his dark and shiny hair.

I keep my hands joined in my lap because I’m scared, I’ll do something embarrassing again. I want to touch him. I want to take pictures of him. He would be a great subject for a photoshoot. Images of him in a studio dim lighted and a bit destroyed fill my brain. He would suite something grunge or maybe something with neon lights to give him an eerie atmosphere. That is his attitude, if we were to talk about his looks, he is handsome and beautiful; he would look good surrounded by white, that would make him look like an angel. The angel analogy starts to run while when I imagine him naked with only a silk sheet over his lap. I feel my cheeks growing redder again.

I shake my head and look out the window. The familiar scenery tells me we’re only about 15 minutes away from my house, after waking up I gave him my address to put into the GPS. I curse myself for sleeping half of the ride. There’s no use lying to myself. I like Sasuke, he’s easy to talk and cool. His good looks only aid this predicament.

“We’re almost home” I say.

“You don’t sound that happy. You did say you didn’t want to return. Why is that?” He answers, eyes still focused on the road, his voice even. He really does not think about the candy incident. The knowledge hurts a little. I kind of wanted him to be as shook as I am.

“I liked the freedom I have at University. I’ve never really been the one in charge before” Mom and Hanabi are the only ones home which means we will be doing a lot of shopping. They’ll make me try on things I don’t particularly like. Most of my closet consisted of thing mom and Hanabi think look good on me but that I don’t like to wear so when I got to University I started selling them.

“I get that, I feel the same. That was also my reason for not coming back home” He admits and it shocks me a little, Sasuke doesn’t seem like someone that would let himself be controlled by someone else. This makes me relate to him, admire him for admitting something like that, Neji is very prideful and he would never say something like this.

When the car pulls to a stop in front of my house, I have to admit I am glad. I like spending time with him but I feel myself developing a crush on him that can only lead to my own demise. I look to the front door half expecting mother to come running outside but she doesn’t. Sasuke gets out of the car as well and helps me with the suitcases. I go to open the door but it is locked. I unlock it and the house is silent. Sasuke asks me where to take the suitcases and I abuse his kindness and tell him to follow me to my room. In the mean time I call mother.

“Hey mom I got home…but where are you?”

“Hinata baby I’m over at Mikoto’s come with Sasuke. She wants to meet you and we can all have a nice late lunch or early dinner” Her voice is chipper and light, is…is mom drunk?

“O….k?”

“See you soon baby” She says and hangs up on. I look at my phone and then to Sasuke.

“Um…she’s at your house” I say and he laughs.

“Of course, she is. How did we not see this coming?” Sasuke asks rhetorically as we walk back to the car. I top to lock the door. “I mean they are best friends so of course they are together.”

The drive to his home takes about another 10 minutes and this time when the car stops mom and another woman, I assume Sasuke’s mother wait for us on the front porch and they each have a wine glass in their hands. Mom is smiling wide and chats with Mikoto lively.

“Are they drunk?” I say out loud. Sasuke narrows his eyes.

“I don’t know about your mother but my mom is a lightweight. If she drank a glass of wine, she is not only drunk but wasted.”

“Mom can’t hold her alcohol very well either” I admit, we both turn to look at them still chatting away, obvious to the fact that we have arrived. We turn to look at each other and chuckle a little.

“Come o let’s go join them, drink a glass of wine too. Why should they be the only ones to have fun?” He says and gets out of the car. My heart is beating faster once again. I can’t move for a moment. Sasuke opens my door and extends his hand to me, I look at it and take it. His skin is warm and rough but I feel sparks going up my arm. I look up at him and he’s smirking at me. The sun is just now setting behind Sasuke and it gives him a golden glow. That is the moment when I realize that I already like him, this boy I met today. He lets go of my hand to go get his own bags but I can still feel his touch. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in. When I open them he’s next to me and nods towards out mothers, I nod back and we start walking up the driveway. The two of them finally see us, put their wine glasses down and come towards us for hugs. Mom kisses my cheek and tells me how much she missed me; than she hugs Sasuke and thanks him for bringing me while Mikoto hugs me and tells me how nice it is to meet me.

Looking at this scene with them so happy makes me realize that I don’t regret coming home. I’m glad I could make mom happy. I’m glad to see her having fun with a new friend. I peer from the corner of my eye towards Sasuke. I’m glad I came because I met him. I’m still looking at him when he turns his eyes to me as well and smirks. I wonder what he’s thinking. I wonder if he feels even remotely like I do. Even if he doesn’t, I hope he will still be my friend because Sasuke Uchiha is pretty cool and I’d love to have him in my life. If his mother is anything like him, I can’t blame mom for calling Mikoto her best friend already.  

Part 1 (This happens after the 2nd and 3rd part)

Part 2

[daysswithyou]

Three words

Characters: Sungjin x You

Genre: Angst, slice of life, fluff

Word count: 3.9k

Description: All I wanted is to here those 3 simple words and have you hold me close, but why is that so hard to do, with you?

-----

I love you.

Three simple words.

Are they really very hard to say? Is it really that difficult? I hear everyone around me saying it, so why does it often feel like I have to beg him to say it before he does? Why does it seem like I am the only one begging for validation in this relationship and he’s the one that doesn’t seem to care?

Sometimes I really think that I am in a one sided relationship with him, where I constantly feel like I’m interacting with a piece of wood that can’t say anything back to me.

Sometimes I just want to beat him into a pulp but of course I won’t do that. I can never bring myself to do that. I love him too much.  

But sometimes...sometimes… I-I… I just want to feel like I’m not the only one that’s giving in the relationship.

Tonight, these thoughts keep me up again. Sitting up in our shared bed, I toss my hair out of face, tucking a strand behind my ear as I stare down at Sungjin’s sleeping figure beside me. He has a hand draped over my thighs, his steady breathes tickling the insides of my bare thigh. He never says “I love you” back to me ever, and the only time he’ll be willing to do skinship with me is during times like this, when he’s unconscious and off in dreamland. God knows what this man dreams off when he’s sleeping so deeply, probably not me. Working my fingers through his soft locks, I try to find comfort in the familiar action, hoping it would lull me to sleep. Sungjin stirs, responding to my touch. He nestles closer to me, his cheek now resting on my thighs. He does this all the time, but each time he does, it still sends sparks flying across my skin. Yet I bet he feels nothing.

Sungjin ah… are we even dating? Is this even a relationship if you don’t show any affection?

Helpless in my situation, I let out an exasperated sigh, closing my eyes to try to sleep. The last sensation I was aware of was being laid to sleep, the short ends of his hair tickling my forehead.

---

Awakened by the morning heat, it took me some time to regain my senses from the lack of sleep. Stretching across the length of the bed, my legs came into contact with the bedsheets instead of Sungjin’s legs like they usually do, and I was left looking at his empty pillow, rather than his sleeping face. Reaching across his side of the bed, I bring the small digital clock close to my face, my bleary eyes barely making out the time.

6am. He’s up early again. Maybe I should go outside to see if he’s still around.

Pushing myself off the bed, I shuffle out of the bedroom, my eyes immediately squinting to adjust to the bright white lights of the living room. As I rub my eyes, I could make out Sungjin’s figure hastily preparing the dining table, glancing to check at his wristwatch every few seconds.

“Hey darling...”

“Oh! Hey babe, it’s too early for you to be up.”

“Woken up by the heat, and I could say the same back to you. A certain Park Sungjin I know would never be up so early.”

“Did I forget to tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“That we have rehearsal today for our concert on Sunday.”

“Isn’t it supposed to be tomorrow? You told me Saturday, today’s a Friday.”

“Yea the boys wanted to have more rehearsals at the venue so we just booked the venue yesterday. Sorry sweetheart but I got to go now; I made you breakfast so remember to eat it. Drive safely on the road and remember to text me when you’ve arrived at work!”

“Yea I will. Bye, love you.”

“Bye!”

The whole conversation was over in seconds, and I don’t remember much of it. But I do remember saying  “love you.”

And I remember that he didn’t say it back.

---

True to my word, I texted Sungjin the moment I safely pulled into the parking space at work. He texted back with a thumbs up emoji and the heavy stone began weighing in my chest again.

Oh, why am I getting so worked up over it? He does this all the time, I should be used to it by now.

Turning the screen black, I toss my phone into my bag. I went about my day at work, trying my best to not think about him. Yet the stone kept getting heavier and heavier in my chest, at some point making it physically hard to breathe. Yet all I could do was let out heavy sighs; no one was going to understand how this feels like even if I told them. Neck deep in work, I only realised it was time to knock off when I began to hear the sound of bags being zipped and laptop lids being shut. Standing up, I shoulder my bag as I drop Sungjin to text to say that I’m coming over, hoping that I’ve got enough time to catch a glimpse of them before they start Round 2 of rehearsals.

---

I pull into the stadium car park in a record 40 minutes after making a trip to Starbucks, leaving me with another 20 to catch up with them. In a measly attempt to shield myself from the rain, I place one hand over my head, the other holding onto my bag of Starbucks items. The staff were the first to greet me, and I pass them their share of snacks and drinks. Sungjin follows straight after, relieving me of the bag carrying duties.

“You didn’t have to run in the rain, why didn’t you use the umbrella in the car?”

“Sungjin, it’s fine. Besides, I didn’t have enough hands for that. How was rehearsal so far? Where are the rest of the boys?”

Sungjin begins patting my face with the towel hanging around his neck as I talk, eventually moving along to clean the rain droplets that have made their way to my neck as well.

“Firstly, keep running in the rain like that and you’re going to get sick. Secondly, rehearsal has been great so far, except for some sound issues for Wonpil’s solo stage that need some fixing. Thirdly, the boys have been waiting eagerly for you since you texted me 40 minutes ago, they’re in the dressing room.”

“Lies; more like they’ve been waiting for the food.”

“Baby, are you jealous? Ok to be fair, they are waiting for the food but they have not shut up about wanting to see you since this morning.”

“Oh really? Is that so now?”

“It is.”

Somehow, Sungjin’s hands find mine as both of us walk towards the waiting room but the conversation gets interrupted by Young K’s loud cheers upon the sight of me and the food, and Wonpil breaks the two of us up by engulfing me in a tight hug.

“THANKS FOR THE FOOD Y/N!”

“You’re welcome Hungry K~”

100% mesmerised by the food, Young K ignores my teasing, before poking the straw through the lid of his iced Americano. Letting out a dramatic sigh, he smacks his lips together as he leans back in the plush sofa, sipping on the drink like a newborn baby. Meanwhile, Jae and Wonpil engage in a fight over the last chocolate croissant, with Jae attacking by smacking Wonpil’s hands away, ultimately cementing his victory with a triumphant bite into the pastry. Dowoon remains the only unbothered one, stealthily taking his own ice blended vanilla with no one to fight him for his blueberry muffin.

“Am a the leader of a bunch of babies, or a bunch of men in their 20s?”

Despite the harsh jab at his members, Sungjin passes over his own chocolate croissant to Wonpil with a small shake of his head and smirk on his lips. Wonpil’s face lights up at the sight of the food, sticking his tongue out at Jae’s scandalised expression.

“Sungjin my good friend, you should not have done that. It was supposed to be payback for him stealing my churros the last time!”

“Hyung, you gotta let that go. It’s been months since he stole your churros, and technically he only stole one. You took the last one back.”

Jae shoots Sungjin a glare for exposing him, but soon resumes to his usual program of sipping on his drink between each bite of food. The whole room falls into a comfortable silence soon after; I didn’t want to disturb them after a tiring day of rehearsals. Sungjin strokes my knuckles with his thumb, moving back and forth along the thin skin. I thought no one would notice what Sungjin does but I should know better; nothing escapes Young K’s sharp fox eyes.

“Hyung why don’t both of you do skinship often?”

The question catches Sungjin off guard, and he nearly chokes on his drink.

“Look, my personal life-”

Sungjin attempts to defend himself, only for Wonpil to add to the mess.

“Oh it is so frustrating looking at the both of you! Can we get some action already!”

“Ya Kim Wonpil! What sort of action do you think you’re going to get?”

Sungjin’s eyes go wide at Wonpil’s suggestive statement, slamming his drink down on the table in the process. Still his hands do not leave mine, holding onto them tightly now to give me moral support.

“I don’t know! Anything is better than just simple hand holding!”

I blush furiously at their words, unsure of what to do now. Jae opens his mouth to speak and I was about to mentally thank him for saving the day but what Jae says next only makes things worse.

I regret feeding these boys so well. I should have just let them starve so that they would not have energy to blabber nonsense.

“Sungjin, they have all made extremely valid and magnificent points. You two need more skinship and action, time to work it in! I really don’t understand how you can write amazing love songs and sing them to a crowd numbering thousands yet you can’t do anything more with your girl except hold her hand.”

From his seat at the end of the table, Dowoon nods along vigorously to everything his hyungs say.

I can see a vein pop in Sungjin’s temple, instantly deciding that now was the time to step in before the atmosphere became heavier.

“Awww come on~ let’s not tease Sungjin. I know he’s uncomfortable with displaying affection in public so I don’t ask that he does it.”

“Man Leader, you really got lucky, having Y/N as a girlfriend that would be willing to put up with your lack of affection.”

“Why are we still on this topic! Come on let’s go, you’re going to be late for rehearsals!”

Releasing my hand from his, I shoo the boys out of the waiting room. With drinks still in their hands, the boys toss out words of appreciation like “Thanks for the food Y/N!” and cheeky farewells such as “Bye sister in law!” before making a good choice to run all the way to the stage, lest Sungjin gives them all a whooping kick in the butt.

Watching their retreating figures, Sungjin mutters “They are so dead.” under his breath before turning to me.

“Darling, you should go too. They can’t start rehearsals without their leader and rhythm guitarist. They’ll be waiting.”

“Ok I’ll go. Are you going to hang around? Or are you tired? Wanna go home first?”

He tucks a strand of hair behind my ears, using his index finger to outline the shell of my ear.

“Yea I’m going to hang around to watch the rehearsal.”

“Ok let’s go home together later, I’ll tell my manager.”

From behind Sungjin, I spot their manager waving him over so I quickly let him go.

“Ok we can discuss this later, you really got to go now.”

“Ok bye see you later babe!”

He whispers his last words, well aware that his manager was eyeing us now. Very quickly, he brings my hands to his lips, giving a soft peck to the back of it.

He turns and makes a beeline for his manager, apologising profusely as he gets closer. Meanwhile, I turn and head in the other direction, making my way to the Category 1 seats where I can get a better view of the boys.

Yet my heart isn’t focused, my eyes not even looking at them most of the time. Their words keep ringing in my head, and it dawns upon me how much truth their words hold. Sungjin’s lack of affectionate displays, his lack of verbal words of affirmation towards our relationship; heck he’s already blushing furiously at the mere mention of our relationship in public.

Could it be that...perhaps...he’s ashamed of our relationship? He’s never willing to show how he feels towards our relationship…

My heart clenches in pain as dread spreads over my entire body, the thought making my breath catch in my throat as I fist the sides of my blouse. But when I lift my head to look at the stage, Sungjin is already looking at me, his eyes never leaving mine as they seem to shine more radiantly under the stage light. They sparkle and glow, his lips breaking into a smile when he catches me staring back.

Was this all for show?

The thought crushes my spirits, and I fist my blouse harder, tearing a few threads in the process.

---

When Sungjin hops into the passenger seat enthusiastically, I fake a smile on my face, hoping he wouldn’t see through the facade. Thankfully, I think he doesn’t. Taking my hand in his again, he places a quick peck confidently to the back of my hands now, the screens on the car windows giving us a bit more privacy than the waiting room from before.

“Let’s go! Ah can’t wait to go back home and hit the sack.”

I hum out a response, releasing my hand from his to place them back on the steering wheel. The ride back starts out silent, and I was hoping it would remain as such. But my hopes are dashed when Sungjin begins to ask about my day, but I am absolutely not in the mood to talk to him.

“Hey babe, how was your day?”

“Hmmm, the usual. Mind if I turn on some music?”

Without even waiting for his confirmation, I punch a button on the dashboard, the familiar piano intro of “I Smile” filling the space in the car.  

Life is cruel to me. All I want to do is not be reminded of a certain Park Sungjin, yet his song has to come on.

I groan inwardly, and if Sungjin heard he’s doesn’t say a thing. Which is perfectly fine with me. Better that way actually, better than me having to explain how I feel and looking like a fool afterwards for being so needy compared to him. For the rest of the ride home, the music coming from the stereo is the only sound filling the car, a effective distraction from my bad mood.

When we pull into the carpark, I hop out and head straight for the door without waiting for Sungjin. He trails behind me, eyeing me the entire time but not saying a word. I know that he knows that I’m in a bad mood now, and this knowledge only makes the tension build in my shoulders, my temples straining more with each pulse of the persistent headache. Thoroughly annoyed now, I open the front door with a little too much force, kicking off my shoes impatiently. Making a beeline for the bedroom, I almost managed to shut the door in his face until his hand slips through the cracks, prying the door open with his superior strength. He’s now standing before me with furrowed brows and confused eyes, catching onto my wrist gently before I can walk away.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Is everything ok?”

He turns me around so that I’m facing him now, a tired sigh leaving my lips as I fight back the tears of frustration. Too drained to keep up the facade of nonchalance, I feel my walls come crashing down as the words come tumbling out of my mouth.

“No, it’s not ok. I’m not ok, this is not ok. None of this is ok.”

I fling my wrist away from his hands, the swing of my hands back causing me to take a step away from him.

“Babe, I’m not quite... getting what you mean. What are you referring to?”

“Our relationship! This-This-This game you play! Sungjin, it is so so so exhausting to have to second-guess our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if you even love me. You won’t ever say ‘I love you’ back no matter how many times I say it. You seem like you don’t want to have anything to do with me in public, all you do is hold my hands! And that’s it! Not even a hug! I get that you don’t like skinship in public but am I really so...repulsive?You only seek me out when we’re home alone with the privacy of four walls; it honestly makes me wonder if you’re that ashamed to have me as your girlfriend.”

“Babe, it’s not what you-”

I hear his voice, but I ignore it, wanting to drown out the comforting timbre of his voice with my own so I won’t fall into his arms again.

“The dread that scrapes the insides of my bones when I realise that maybe, you don’t want me as much as I want you makes me want to burst into tears, at any time of the day, for every second as long as I’m thinking about it! Sungjin is there something wrong with me? Something that you’re not proud of?”

His tone turns serious now, his voice dropping an octave lower than it usually is.

“Baby, you’re going to exhaust yourself more if you keep going. Please, let me-”

“Sungjin, if you do, please tell me. I really don’t have the energy to play this guessing game anymore. I-”

My next words are promptly swallowed by the kiss he has pulled me into, full lip on lip contact. My hands are sprawled out over his chest to stop the impact of my full weight from slamming into his body, his warm hands cradling the sides of my face. The kiss lasts for a good 10 seconds as he slowly works his lips against mine, engulfing my lips with big sweeps of his expert mouth. When we finally break away for air, he contacts his forehead to mine as he opens his eyes to look at me, holding my face in place to make sure my full attention is on him.

“I don’t love you? Y/N, I love you, you are my entire world. Universe. Wait no, that’s not right. You mean the world to me. Ah yes, that’s the correct term. See, this is why I don’t say I love you much, I’m so bad with words. I don’t say it often, but please don’t ever, from here on, doubt that I am in love with you. I will repeat it for the rest of my life if you need me to, until you firmly believe in it.  I love you baby, with all my heart and soul. Every single love song is about you, you are always on my mind.

Trust me, I want you as much as you want me. Maybe even more. I want to kiss you and hold you and hug you too but not in public. I want to do it when we’re alone, I want to keep it special. Just sweet little moments between you and me, not something to be on display for others.

I’m sorry for making you doubt yourself and this relationship, you- you should have told me earlier instead of bottling up all these pent up frustrations. I promise I’ll do better to show you how much I love you.”

“Ok then. Prove it to me.”

Sungjin graces me with a quirk of his eyebrow, and I was certain that he was going to back down from the challenge. But he advances quickly with amazing speed, and I barely have time to breathe.

“Text me when you’re at work.”

A peck.

“Drive safely on the road.”

A peck.

“I made you breakfast, eat it when it’s hot.”

Another peck.

With each sentence, he has me moving backwards until the back of my knees hit the edge of the bed, my reflex causing my knee to jerk underneath me to send me flying backwards into the plush sheets of the bed. Sungjin’s hands are on the back of my head to break my fall, making sure I don’t slam into the bed too hard.

Now that he has me where he wants me to be, he crawls onto the bed with me, positioning himself between my legs. He hovers very close above me, yet he is careful to not crush me with his weight.

He brings his lips to my forehead, starting there.

“I.”

A peck on the forehead.

“Love.”

A peck between my eyes.

“You.”

A peck on the bridge of my nose.

“So.”

A peck on the tip of my nose.

“Much.”

A kiss on the lips this time, one that was less hungry than before. Still Sungjin moves with great agility, angling his head so that he gets better access to my lips. He nibbles on the upper lip before nipping at the lower lip, eliciting a contented sign from me.

Breaking away, he says in a breathy whisper, “Do you still doubt me now?”

“No…”

“Ok you don’t sound convinced, let’s try this one more time.”

Then his lips are on mine again, his hands moving under my blouse to caress the sensitive skin and sweet spots along the side of my body that he knows are my weaknesses. He moves down to place a chaste kiss on my stomach before paying attention to my lips again. I close my eyes at the heavenly sensations, my skin shivering with each touch he gives.

“Are you convinced now babe?”

“Yea. Yea I am.”

---

Later that night, I lie in bed waiting for Sungjin, watching through hooded eyelids as he travels from the bathroom to his side of the bed, a soft smirk lifting up the corner of his lips as he catches me staring. I close my eyes when I feel the bed dip beside me, knowing that he’s by my side. He shifts around in the bed for a little while, moving closer to spoon me. I nestle closer to him, finding the comfortable spot under his chin and between the crook of his neck. Taking a deep breath of his cologne, I relax, feeling my body melt and mould to fit nicely with his. One hand wrapped around my waist, he pulls me closer with the hand that crossed over my chest, dipping his hand to plant a kiss on my bare shoulders.

“Good night Sungjin.”

“Nights baby, I love you.”

[amazonia-love]

The Long Walk Home

Sometimes I hear people express frustration at how long their recovery is taking. Especially those who have had ED for a long time. They see other people who have “recovered” in a few months or a year, perhaps a little longer, and who have now returned to their former way of life, often a very active life. How is it that some people breeze through recovery and others take a long time?  Full recovery doesn't happen in a few months. It takes a long time. Weight restoration to a socially normative weight, one that doesn't raise any flags with people around you, accompanied by a return to a high level of physical activity and lots of social media posts about how good recovery is, doesn’t necessarily equate to complete recovery. Been there, done that, have blog posts and images to prove it. There is a difference between doing what is needed to reduce harm, and allowing yourself the time and space to learn new, deeply embedded, sustainable non-ED responses. When I first recovered (in my early 20s)  it only took me a few months. I stopped using ED behaviours, and went back to a weight that other people saw as normal. I looked the image of someone who was “healthy”. But I wasn't. I still used activity (playing sports, dancing, skiing, walking, hiking, working in a physically arduous role) as a means of keeping my anxiety low. And while I baked wonderful cakes and cookies, and cooked amazing meals, in my private moments I often delayed and avoided eating. The ED neural wiring was still the main driver of my everyday life, and it was my default any time I came under stress. I was in a partially remitted state at times. But NEVER practising remission as my default method of living. 

Of course, I didn't know that was how ED worked back then. And the reasons for avoiding delay were being “busy”, having “so much to do”, needing to “help someone out”, and just loving being active. Activity for me was insidious, for sure. Notice I don’t say “exercise”. Physical activity is not always cloaked as exercise; neither is being “very busy”; neither is “just being a hard physical worker”. Remember that “levels of the neuropeptide, NPY levels increase for all of us if we are semi-starved, but for those with a genetic predisposition for an eating disorder, the result is increased activity. In fact, the drive to be active decreases as an eating disordered individual re-feeds.  That drive to be active can return at any time. And it can mask a relapse if the person is eating in public, talking the talk about being recovered, and at a weight that doesn't ring alarm bells. And it can mask a relapse where we are in the forefront of a group, being held up as an example of how recovery “looks”, and when we are able to explain how recovery works on a number of levels. ED is a tricksy fucker, no two ways about it. It is all too easy to be a leader and talk the talk when we are not quite walking the talk. And it is a part of the ED temperament that we might become that person.  For me to get to the point where I could be sure my activity was not being driven by ED neurobiology I had to make the decision to keep my activity levels deliberately low, and my focus inward. 

And now, I am coming up to 6 years of practising remission. Even so, I still struggle with the old patterns. I have been able to see more and more clearly how the anxiolytic effects of restriction helped me function in every area of my life. I feel like a person who has had a brain injury, and who is learning to do everything again, right from scratch. Somewhere I read that remission can take as long as 79 months .... and that makes a lot of sense to me. 

This is the reason for me taking a back seat and not blogging as much. I have been rebuilding myself, piece by piece, sometimes in a painfully slow manner. Although earlier on in my recovery I turned into a bit of a keyboard warrior - which is ALSO another way of being active without anyone noticing that ED is in the house. I reached a point where I needed to stand that urge down and focus on myself, and my recovery, exclusively.  Learning to practise remission effectively takes time.  Our brains may need time to make the changes to the prefrontal cortex that we missed out on because of ED - the brain freezes and keeps people stuck at the age at which they started to starve, and in patterns they forge around the same time. What this means is that because I am no longer functioning with the same ED-specific biochemistry,  I am still sometimes uncertain and unsteady in many situations. The only way I can describe it is that I have been learning to walk again, in a landscape that looks very different from what it was when I was restricting. 

I think it is common to feel this way. 

I walked in a tropical rainforest one weekend, and saw these "strangler figs"; they slowly take over a healthy tree and consume it, so that in the end only the fig itself survives, and the original tree is no longer in existence. This is how I feel - that the substance of me, the "original tree" is coming back into sight as I take the vines off from around myself, but also that it is a slow and tortuous process along the way.   This is how it starts - the vines are ED, and the tree is the person it afflicts. We don't even register that we have been surrounded and are being strangled by this disorder. 

Then it moves to this ... the middle left side shows the original tree through the vines. Notice that the vines have become stronger, and thicker, and have almost completely obscured the original trunk. What you can’t see is that the vines are consuming that original trunk and using it to sustain themselves.  We lose so much more than weight when we have ED. We end up with a parasitical network of neural wiring that drives us to behave in a certain way. Refeeding to a stable weight is just one part of the recovery process. And it is not enough. 

And finally, where we end up before recovery - on a metaphysical level as well as physiological. And also, for many, the very bones and flesh that form and cover our skeleton. The original tree no longer exists, and instead there is a hollow network of vines that stand in its place.

There is no way of rebuilding the trunk by planting a tree inside that network of parasitical vines. No way. And there is no way of getting to practice full remission while we are keeping on using activity as a means of managing ED anxiety; even if we are posting images of our meals on FB and Insta. Even if we do amazing selfie posts with ED related tags. Even if we lead a group and others look to us for advice. Rewiring our neural responses simply doesn’t happen quickly. Unless we recognise it, we can end up still stuck in an almost invisible ED framework, looking as though we are thriving, but still in the stranglehold of ED. 

[rose-tinted-nostalgia]

my dad made fun of me today because he said “we need borders because we can’t even feed our own people,” and I went on an entire rant about how elon musk’s net work is 224 BILLION DOLLARS. like. there are people in this world who have so much money they could make the entire population in THE WORLD millionaires. And you think we can’t afford to feed people because we help people seeking refuge? Sure. Okay. that makes sense. I don’t want to be a millionaire. I don’t care if you want to be a millionaire, honestly, but when you’re hoarding wealth that you couldn’t conceptualize if you wanted to, that you couldn’t spend if you managed to extend your life a hundred years, when people are dying because they can’t afford their goddamn insulin, yeah well you’re an asshole. I work hard, and I’m good at what I do, and I’ve sacrificed everything, my family, my personal life, my dreams and aspirations, to further my career, to work, AND I STILL CAN’T FUCKING AFFORD TO LIVE without relying on shitty, abusive, drug-addicted, neglectful, lying, manipulative, narcissistic people, and I hate myself for not being enough, and I hate this world for being too goddamn much and elon musk for having 224 billion fucking dollars. 

My dad disappeared again. I knew he would. You’d think that would make it easier, but it doesn’t. It’s his birthday, and I gave him $20 knowing that he would disappear, and still, still, STILL, some fucking part of me was like maybe he’s telling the truth, maybe he will be here when I get back, but no. He’s not, and he asked my brother for money too, and I’m not surprised, but goddamnit, knowing a stove is hot doesn’t make it burn any less when you touch it, but it does make you an idiot. He wants to spend all day ranting about how he can help support me in ways that chase couldn’t, and how he wants to murder that kid for laying a hand on me, but I swear to god they are the same exact person, and I hate myself for that too. 

I had a friend invite me out for a drink. I guess shes not really a friend, not anymore, but she was my best friend in middle school, before we grew into versions of ourselves that were just too different from each other, and I haven’t spoken to her in years, but she answered the phone when i called some place inquiring about a job, and she’s like “hey we should catch up,” and i’m fucking lonely and starved for conversation because I cut out every single friend I had in an attempt to cut him off, and so I went. And it was nice because I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve gone out in the last 10 years, literally, and I wanted to see what places were busy in downtown anyway, and  one drink really does wonders for my anxiety, but it wasn’t worth it. I like being tipsy, I do, but I want to be tipsy around someone I can touch, around someone I can talk to, around someone I feel safe with. I don’t want to be tipsy in public with an old conservative friend, talking about our children because it’s the only thing in common, sitting in my car for an hour waiting for the buzz of a single beer to wear off because I refuse to drink and drive. I looked for my dad at the place he said he’d be, and I did not find him, but I did spend ten minutes killing time, talking to the bouncer, who insisted on getting the manager to come see me about a job, and that’s the power of alcohol I guess because I can’t walk into the dmv without an escort but one beer and an avalanche of anger and I can finally talk to strangers. 

I care for people who will hurt me over and over and over again and I’m in love with people who will never love me back, and I don’t know how to set boundaries, how to stop forgiving, how to stop giving, how to say no, and I’m trying, but people are going to take advantage of me every single day, people are going to use me every single day, and not even in the fucking fun way, like. Fuck me for perpetuating a cycle I told myself I’d end when I was a goddamn teenager. Fuck my dad for taking advantage of my need for help. Fuck conservatives and jobs who think I’m too overqualified and my own goddamn anxiety. And fuck elon musk. 

[survivingunderwater]

How Chronic Pain Taught me to Breathe Underwater

I’ve wanted to share my story for a long time. It is a small snapshot of my life with a pelvic nerve disorder that causes severe, debilitating chronic pain and has no known pathology or treatment. I realize this a long post, but you know what? People write 509 page  cookbooks about the types of flour to use baking. 

This story is not sexy, but it is real. 

It would mean the world to me if you could share this, so that together, we can promote awareness for a silent condition, and remind ourselves to never judge a book by its cover.

Read time: 20 minutes

------

For the last 13 years of my life, I have been held under the water and told to learn how to breathe.

Ten years ago, I learned that I would never have sex, and that an intimate life would be nearly impossible.

I learned that my condition would gradually worsen. I learned that over time, I would not be able to tolerate the light touch of clothing, that I’d lose control of my bladder, and that something as simple as sitting down would become unbearable. I was told that I likely couldn’t have children, a family, or even leave the house for long periods of time without complications. Physical activity would be cumbersome. I was told to give up the activities that I loved so fondly because it was further damaging a condition that was irreversible. Doctors foreshadowed that in the coming years, my nerves would become so sensitive that my skin would feel like fire. As the pain worsened, I would likely need to take antidepressants and seizure medications to pacify the inflamed nerve endings….I would be relegated to a life of loose clothes, disability permits, abstinence, and incontinence.

I learned that at best, I would live a life muted by medication. I learned that at worst, I would live a life bound to a bed, consumed by chronic pain. I could kiss goodbye to ever knowing intimate love in the way most people like to characterize it.

For a long time, I didn't even know I had a condition. I just knew that something in my body was wrong.

When I was 11 years old, I reported experiencing vaginal pain for the first time.

When I was 13, I went to a gynecologist, who told me that the pain was entirely in my head. Thinking that unregulated hormones were the source of my complaints, I was prescribed the birth control pill. I didn’t think much about it, and I assumed this would solve my problem.

When I was 15, I entered into my first real relationship. I was confused why I felt sharp, stabbing vaginal pains from something as simple as light touch, so I returned to the gynecologist. I thought this was supposed to be a pleasurable part of life. I was also confused as to why - unlike my friends - tampons were impossible to use. I asked them to examine me externally only, and we agreed that we would talk through any “next steps.”

Without warning, the gynecologist entered my vagina. The pain was so excruciating that I suddenly couldn’t see or hear. I started shaking uncontrollably and fainted. When I opened my eyes again, I screamed and pleaded for her to stop. I’ll always remember the look on her face as she rolled her eyes… as if I were overreacting, that I was weak, that I was pathetic. Was the pain actually in my head? When she stopped her exam, I could not walk.

Over the next year, I saw a number of gynecologists -- each with a different opinion on the cause of my pain.

Some said it was an injury from years of horseback riding. Some said it was a hormonal imbalance. Others said it was an unexplained genetic anomaly. Some doctors said it was possible that this was the aftermath of repressed sexual abuse. This terrified me. My mind ran wild as I imagined the possibility of my brain and body repressing a trauma too young for me to remember, and to manifest in the present as crippling nerve pain. I never recalled any abuse.

But most doctors, however, kept telling me I was imagining my pain. Their rationale: I was attempting to experience pleasure at too young of an age, and my “paranoia” about sex created muscular pain.

There was one commonality among all of my diagnoses. Whatever I was experiencing, all doctors agreed that there was no known pathology… and no cure.

When I was 16, I had a glimmer of hope. In hopes of solving the problem, doctors put me through a surgery they assumed would help. I spent a month bleeding and recovering, only to realize too late that the surgery to fix my pain had only made it worse. At this point, my nerves were damaged so badly that my pain receptors were always turned "on." Cutting through my damaged tissues and surgically stitching them back together only exacerbated the problem.

I learned that sometimes, healthcare professionals don’t know what they are doing, and adults aren’t always “right.” I became my own health advocate.

At 17, I had a breakthrough. My mom and I found a new team of doctors who validated that in fact, the pain was not in my head. It was not a hormonal imbalance, and it was not repressed sexual abuse. I was diagnosed with vulvar vestibulitis, and I would later learn I had one of the worst forms.

This is a condition where nerve endings in the vulva - and specifically, pain receptors - are permanently “turned on”. I finally felt relief knowing that my pain was validated. As a result, I thought I had a clear pathway for treatment.

I started pelvic floor physical therapy to help relax the muscles around the nerves. I was prescribed antidepressants and seizure medicine, which I refused to take. I occasionally took pain medications.

I quickly realized how women’s issues were severely undermined in healthcare. Insurance only covered a portion of my medical bills. My mother and I had to submit a detailed grievance to the Department of Public Health in order to overturn my insurance denial for continued PT, since our insurance had cancelled my coverage after a small number of sessions. Our letter was luckily a success, and a small victory amidst this journey.

I started to accept my position in life. I began practicing yoga and realized the importance of presence and perspective. I decided that maybe a life with no tampons, no sex, and no kids wasn’t so bad. 

Everyone who knew me, knew me as a happy young woman. 

I was starting to breathe underwater.

When I was 18, I realized that intimacy would continue to be a traumatic and nauseating experience, and that sex would absolutely never be part of my life.

I realized that there were unempathetic people who would try to make me feel worthless about this. 

I also learned there were people who would love me no matter what, and that who I surrounded myself with was entirely my own choice.

When I was 19, I developed anxiety from having so much constant pain, not knowing where or why it was happening, never knowing when my pain would flare, unable to escape it for weeks at a time.

For unknown reasons, I also started losing feelings in my arms and legs, which became fully numb. This lasted for a full year, and I stopped exercising. The loss of feeling scared me so much that my anxiety increased. The anxiety led to intense panic attacks, which led to more panic attacks because I was so afraid of having another panic attack (LOL). I personally thought this was brilliant that my mind went so far. I later talked to a therapist who said that I had developed this thing called panic disorder.

Eventually, I accepted this part of my life, and I realized that those who struggle with mental health truly know what it is like to suffer in silence.

When I was 20, I spent 5 months studying abroad throughout Africa and Asia, staying with local families and learning about the beauty of different cultures. Amidst the highs, I also saw starving adults breast feeding off of each other and dead bodies in the road. I met women who had experienced female genital mutilation, who almost bled to death from having their labia and clitoris mutilated by a dirty blade on the floor of a hut. The experience was so raw and unfiltered that I felt ashamed of myself for ever complaining about my pain.

I realized I had so much left to learn in life.

But with each step forward in self discovery, I felt like I took two steps back in my physical progress.

By 21, my pain took a drastic turn for the worse. I was unable to put on clothing. I threw away all of my jeans. On good days, I wore sweatpants and loose leggings. On bad days, I didn’t leave my bed, and I sat there all day with an ice pack, terrified of peeing. I threw out all of my underwear, as I was no longer able to tolerate the touch of it against my skin, which now felt like fire in an open wound.

Whenever I felt “turned on” by someone, I experienced searing clitoral and vaginal pain. It felt like an unfair punishment, and I was unsuccessful at suppressing my feelings. Women are supposed to feel strong in this sector of life, but I felt beyond traumatized. As I continued to see friends enter into relationships and have healthy, pleasurable sex lives, I could not even wipe myself after the using the bathroom due to excruciating, burning vaginal pain that never gave me a break.

By 22, I obtained a disability permit that enabled me to finish college by completing most of my coursework from my bed. On the few days that I went to class, I stood up in the back of the room, since I was in too much pain to sit.

That year, I was also diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, which causes bladder urgency and enhanced clitoral and urethral pain. The combination with vulvar vestibulitis became unbearable.

I did what anyone else in my position would do.  I found peace through dry, and often dark, humor.  

I remember my senior year as the year that I sat with an icepack on my vagina, taught myself my coursework, and barely graduated college. I also remember moments of roaring laughter. My college roommate and I made endless jokes about my vagina. We spoke in thick Southern accents and mocked college boys’ sexist comments. My roommate even dressed commando in baggy pants to make me feel less alone. We blasted Lily Allen songs, named all the cockroaches in our apartment, and made a hysterical music video about a territorial wild cat that we spontaneously adopted.

I learned that laughing at yourself adds years to your life.    On my way home from college, I was patted down at the airport. I told the TSA agent that I had vaginal pain, and that if she passed over that area, she could not use much pressure. She told me if she could not touch me, then I could not fly. I asked her to be considerate of my condition. She was not. I was too embarrassed to tell her what she had done. The pain was so unbearable that I cried the whole plane ride home and had another flare up that lasted for weeks.

By 23, I was living at home with my parents. I stopped working, and was sedentary for a full year. I sought help from doctors who didn’t have answers. I couldn't sleep through the night for months. I left the house occasionally for restorative yoga, but I could not do much, and walking and wearing clothing was completely unbearable. To this day, I credit those yoga teachers, my hilarious and supportive brother, and Always Sunny in Philadelphia for why I am still alive. For someone as active as me, being sedentary and in pain was the worst form of torture, and I didn't know if it would ever end. I was told it never would.

I spent most of my time sitting in a chair or in my bed with an ice pack. Once per day, I walked like a penguin up and down my parent’s driveway to try to exercise, but it was painful and all I felt was embarrassment.

This is where, for the first time, I began to feel truly hopeless.

Every aspect of my life was controlled by a condition to which I could not control.

Every time I started to breathe underwater, I felt I was pushed further into darkness with even more limitations.

I was pushed to my limit, and I hit the bottom very hard. 

I often thought about ending my life. I thought about how this would happen, and the aftermath. I begged to have all painful parts of my body surgically removed. I felt searing guilt as my parents uprooted their lives to dig thousands of dollars into their savings to afford my medical bills, treatments, surgical consults, gynecology appointments, and physical therapy.

...But even at the bottom, I found slow inhales and exhales.

I once again realized the only way to change my suffering was to change my outlook. I had and still have pain, but I am not identified as my pain. I decided to pour my energy into seeking love and adventure through creative, dynamic ways. My pain gave me a strength and fearlessness that was and is indescribable.

I wanted to feel all emotions and forms of life whether they were good or bad. I was completely unafraid of death.

I wanted to learn who I was inside and out and give love and beauty to everyone I met on a deeper level than sex and what society perceives as “intimacy.” 

I wanted to learn how to connect, truly connect, with people and express my sexuality in open and loving ways.

I wanted to learn secrets from people around the world in the worst conditions. I found that these people were (as stereotypical as it sounds) the happiest people,

 and that limitation is the biggest factor in creativity, invention, and success.

I would later proudly say that I too was more than happy, I was living in ecstasy. My entire life was filtered in technicolor.

My life is painful, but it is rich.

I invented clothing and found clothing that I could tolerate and still leave the house in. I found the right numbing creams and formulas to tolerate my day. I experimented with a million different diets. I went to PT regularly again and specialists who started a magnetic treatment that worked wonders, even if temporarily. I did acupuncture and regular pain management therapy. I obtained a medical marijuana card, and the CBD helped relax my muscles and loosen tension around the nerves. (Then one day, I accidentally overdosed on gummy bears, and I heard the sounds my brain makes when it has thoughts. I sat on the couch spitting out paleo bread, as one does, and I forgot when to stop chewing and start swallowing my food. Of everything I had survived until that point, this was the night that I was convinced I would die, and unfortunately at the hands of a gummy bear. Though marijuana is a miracle for some, I decided it was not my thing. I never did it again).

I used the money I had saved from working in college and teaching yoga to travel on a pathetic budget. I went skydiving and bungee jumping. I trekked up a volcano in 100 degree heat in Nicaragua, in baggy clothes, one step at a time, even though it killed me and I had a flare up afterwards. I traveled through West Africa, Southeast Asia, and Latin America. I couchsurfed for months in Europe, off of several hundred dollars. I got stuck in horrible situations where I was the only person who could get myself out, and I did. I was stalked by a man who screamed what he wanted to do with me when he finally found me alone. I was harassed. I was lost at night in the woods with nothing but a motorbike and a dead phone in the middle of Myanmar.

I slept on floors and couches and had days where I had to do absolutely nothing and was stalled by my condition. 

I met travelers who flew through monuments at record speed with massive cameras, sleeping with every local or nomad they met. But mostly, I met travelers like me, slowly making their way through untouched corners of the world. I met people who experienced unfortunate or crazy events and illnesses very young in life, and who also found a richness through cultivating perspective by traveling with a tiny backpack and a questionable budget.

I had days that were beautiful.

I learned that everything in life is temporary. Everything. 

When I was in the Czech Republic, I had the most romantic evening with a sexy Colombian man in the old square in Prague. We went drink for drink with fresh, minty mojitos and bounced life stories off of each other in a rowdy bar, where the power went out three times. We stayed out until 5 in the morning, stumbling across the Charles Bridge together, making out at every brick wall. The connection and pulse was palpable. He introduced me to something that would later change my life: salsa dancing. He wrote and recorded a song for me and sent it to me later. I fondly replay our brief and special night together in my head.

Despite my condition, I dated frequently, though I’ve never felt compelled to be in a relationship, because I don’t really feel like anyone truly understands me, and I have always been very content and happy “on my own.” A life free of modern day relationships has been anything but lonely, anything but void, and NOT AT ALL what the doctors told me my life would be living with this condition.

Maybe I cannot have sex, or experience stereotypical pleasure, but I truly believe that my sex life is one of confidence, depth, and beauty. I learned how to confidently communicate about sex and express my likes and dislikes, what I could and could not do, when I was as young as 16. I learned how to be creative in bed. I learned that there are infinite ways to be intimate with someone. I learned that intimacy must always encompass mindful intention and passion, whether it is for two hours, a one night stand, or a lifetime. I learned that “sex” without intention is scary, dull, and abusive. I learned that many men don’t know what to do if you eliminate stereotypical sex from the equation, and they think good sex embodies very minimal foreplay. I learned that this is so boring that I would rather answer my work emails.

I dated and hooked up with men. I dated and hooked up with women. I found myself attracted to people younger than me and twice my age. I quickly learned that I loved the vibe and core of who someone is more than anything else. Superficial things didn’t influence my attraction and desire for someone. I craved (and still crave) people who can feel life deeply, who can understand me and I can understand him or her. I learned that humor, empathy, understanding, and most importantly, sarcasm, were absolutely irresistible. I learned that I have a weakness for accents on men, asses on women, and all French people in general.

When I was 24, I found ways to further manage my pain: clothes that were even more tolerable and made me feel beautiful (not these massive sweatpants anymore!), creams that managed my pain, soaps that didn’t irritate me, a diet that was helpful, regular alternative treatments, maya abdominal therapy for my interstitial cystitis, and a solid physical therapy regimen. My pain was not improving, but it wasn’t getting worse. I moved to San Francisco with my brother, and started a steady job.

I also decided to let go of my fear of physical activity. I would take it easy and try something aside from light yoga and penguin hobbling on my parent’s driveway. The thing that I tried was salsa dancing.

I am not going to get into details about the number of items that need to “go right” for me to make it through a night of dancing without pain. 

Everything from my clothing choice, creams, stretches, and drink choice must all fall in the perfect equation. There are many nights where I reluctantly skip.

That being said, I wholeheartedly believe that when I found dancing, I found the love of my life.

Salsa gave me a space where I could act out my sexuality in safety. Where I could connect and love my partner in that moment, feel the music deep in my bones, and completely let go. As a follow, I could stop thinking entirely and put my brain on pause. I re-learned to trust men after many bad experiences and violations. I learned to surrender my body and soul on the dance floor, and I never cared what I looked like.

Salsa is a space reserved for old souls. There are no phones to use as a crutch, no photos to take so you can post on social media about the “great time” you’re all having. It is a space where I could truly be a woman, and have an incredibly intimate dance with someone 6 songs in a row and know that our love and connection stays on the dance floor only (most of the time. LOL.). Salsa is in every sense my therapy. It’s my drive to want to heal my body, so that I can dance every day of the week and not have all these ridiculous limitations.

I often cry of happiness when I come home from a night of dancing. 

After all of these years of pain, I am so grateful to move my legs that are sometimes numb! I am so grateful to connect with my partner. I am so grateful to feel sensual, beautiful, and loved. It changed my life, and the gratitude never ends.

Some realities that are important:

1. Pain in an area of the body that is intended to evoke immense pleasure is a constant mental test. It makes other mountains feel like small hills. Nothing compares. Not my worst fever from contracting chikungunya in Haiti. Not my worst breakup. Not the time I was evicted from my apartment, or punched in the face by a homeless man. Or the 3 times I have totaled vehicles in car accidents. Not the times I have disclosed my condition to men and, without apology, acknowledgement of my pain, or empathy, they have expressed that they are no longer interested and that they are “sorely disappointed” that they didn’t receive what they were expecting. The frequency of these interactions has made me briefly lose faith in humanity, though it has never torn at my confidence. Not surprisingly, I never experienced this reaction from women. I was only met with compassion.

2. This condition has made me realize that feminism is more important now than ever before, and I have never been so proud to be a woman.

When I was in middle school, boys teased me and told me that my acne made it look like I had bruises all over my face.

 Now I am older and that is gone, and instead I am treated as a walking sex object. When do women win? I have been grabbed, harassed, threatened, abused, and stalked.

I seldom trust being alone with a man.

Many male doctors told me the pain was entirely in my head from the start. I was told to “toughen” up. I do wonder what would have happened if a man had reported the same levels of penile pain, and if his complaints would have been taken seriously the first time.

I am a woman and am therefore expected to be a sweetheart by day and a freak in the sheets by night. I am not going to feel any less feminine or sensual because I cannot have stereotypical sex.  I am so proud to be a woman and to fight for other women in a world that still roots so strongly against us, especially in healthcare. So here I am, telling my story, in hopes that it will encourage the other “Allys” out there to tell their stories, too. “When sleeping women wake, mountains move.”  

3. I often fight stereotypes of who people “think I am” versus who I actually am. Everyone struggles with this, pain or no pain. It is one of the hurdles of being human.

I am often passed off as a blonde woman who is easily impressed, bubbly, and spacy. This feedback is quite upsetting. I can’t escape my pain. Any conversation I have with someone takes up half my brain, while the other half is trying to shift my weight or body in a way that could potentially result in less pain. This does not translate to gullible, insecure blonde person.

This translates to a strong woman who wakes up every day to the biggest fight of her life.

4. Listening to modern day complaints is exhausting. 

Complaining to me about your sex life is like me complaining about my shoes to a man who has no feet.

It is true that everyone experiences various levels of life, but it is also true that people should be mindful about what they choose to complain about or dwell on. Life is short.

5. This story is not meant to glorify pain. I have had more “low quality” days than “high quality” days in my life, and this reality sometimes kills me.  I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I don’t want to experience throbbing clitoral pain if my leggings accidentally touch my skin. Three months ago, my entire body went numb and I could not feel my legs for three weeks. I stopped dancing and worked from home a lot. I took painkillers and eventually my feeling came back.

Last week, I had so much pain that I vomited, then fainted and hit my head on the mirror. My roommate found me on the floor when she heard the thud.

This is not a normal life, but it is a life that has taught me more about living than most.

6. This isn’t a romantic story. This is not a sexy story. But it’s a real one. When I look at my life, sometimes I wonder why I am so happy all the time. It is almost annoying, and people have said that I annoy them because of how much I smile. I technically have so much to be upset about, if that’s how you want to look at it. People pity me and say that I deserve to wake up and put on a pair of underwear, and walk around without feeling stabbing pain. That I deserve to have sex and make little mini Allys one day.

They say that I deserve to experience the full spectrum of life, that I deserve love and happiness.

What is so ironic is that I more than experience the full spectrum of life, and in a way, I often pity the people who tell me this, because I feel they are missing out on so much in this world. My entire life is filtered in technicolor.

When I am happy, I am euphorically happy, perhaps because of my journey with pain.

Maybe a bizarre part of me realizes: the only way to feel ecstasy from putting two feet on the ground and standing up in the morning, is to to be sedentary with numb legs for a full year.

What if the only way to uncontrollably cry of gratitude from something as simple as 3 minutes on the dance floor is if you know what it is like to not walk at all?

What if the only way to feel complete peace is to have 7 panic attacks in a row until you end up in the ER?

What if the only reason I feel so alive is because of the year I fantasized about gluing the pedal to the floor of my car and driving straight into a wall until there were silence?

What if the steamiest sex of your life isn't through touch.

What if the piercingly deep intimacy, romance, and connections I've had with others isn't possible for people without pain?

What if breathing air feels lifeless?

I was never told that 13 years under water is where you learn, feel, and evolve into what it means to be a loving, passionate, and soulful human being.

I was never told that the darkest part of the ocean is where you learn to take your deepest breath.

---- **More text below

We live in an ironic world. People often know more about the Kardashians than they do about Malala Yousafzai. They celebrate and photograph weddings and their newborn children, but you never see professional photos taken of those who survive terminal illnesses. Who determines what is “celebration” worthy?

I want to celebrate people in the middle of the fight, not the people at the end.

I have always wanted to honor my journey with pain: my sexuality, trauma, freedom. My tenacity and power in being a woman. I’ve never had professional photos taken until one month ago, when Andrea Padilla fulfilled a dream of celebrating this journey through a boudoir and nude photoshoot. I did this photoshoot to show the rawest form of who I am in this moment of my life (we had our tricks so that I could tolerate the pain from lingerie ;)). I did not smile. This is about honoring courage, and carrying this strength with me into 2018. If I were hobbling like a penguin two years ago and spent most of my time in bed, and today I am dancing... who knows? I don’t know what can happen in the future. My life can turn in any direction at any point, and I am here to soak up each moment and learn with every step. 

My dream now is to dance salsa on the world cup stage. Life is unpredictable, but it is also boundless.

THANK YOU:

To my amazing brother, Robby: Thank you for keeping me afloat, making me laugh, saving my life and then adding years to it, spending months sleeping on the couch to take care of me, and being there for me through thick and thin, even when I gave you so many reasons not to be there. I love you more than anything in the entire world and would be nowhere near who I am today without you. You make me a better person every day and laughing together makes life beyond worth living.

Sue: Thank you so much for your prairie dog driving skills to take me to the doctors, even though you took out a tree one time and we’ve had to leave many notes on people’s doors from destroying their bumpers in the hospital parking lot with your Denali. Thanks for never giving up on me. Thanks for your endless excel sheets documenting my symptoms and calling doctors all over the world. Thanks for putting your life on hold for me. Thanks for being one of the few people who believed me from the beginning. I would never have been properly diagnosed without you.    

Dad: Thank you for sharing many poisonous moscow mules with me when in a crisis. Thank you for believing me, and for believing IN me. Thanks for listening to my TMI stories. There is no way I can ever repay you for the way you have put my health first, but I hope to make you proud.

[isolavirtuosa]

Starting Over (For Real?) 19-20

[fanfiction] NaruSasu

Read the previous parts here.

- 19 -

  “You’re kind of emotionally constipated, aren’t you?” Sai hummed as he ambled along next to my wheelchair.

We’d been travelling without Naruto for the last two days, and it had been fine for the most part because Sai didn’t talk that much.  When he decided to talk, though, it always put me in a mood to put my fist through his chest.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I growled, speeding up.

“I was just thinking about how we’re probably going to see Naruto in a few hours, and you’re going to act like it’s not what you’ve been waiting for since your half-assed goodbye,” he said.

I didn’t answer him because engaging him only gave him more to say.  If I was to answer him, I would have informed him that there was nothing ‘half-assed’ about dismissing the slobbering idiot with a polite shove before he made a public spectacle of what I considered to be a private relationship that no one else needed to know about.

“Everyone already knows,” Sai said knowingly.

I glowered at him.

“And yes, I can read your mind,” he said with an annoying fake laugh.

I ignored him, because telling him that he could not read my mind would only make it all the more obvious how pathetically one-tracked my mind was and how incredibly not-secret my relationship with Naruto was.

“We should break for lunch,” he suggested.

I kept plowing forward.  Let him starve.

Of course Sai just kept smiling as he moved beside me.

We kept going for another two hours on empty stomachs until I finally just stopped moving.

Sai didn't make any comments, quietly forming his seals to get our food ready.

I had a rice ball half-eaten when Naruto popped out of the Flying Thunder God seal on my back.  I crushed the rice, the sticky grains clinging to my fingers.  I glowered at him as he stumbled around in front of me.

“Oh, hey, I'm just in time,” he said, but his eyes weren't smiling.

I hesitated, and that gave him the opening he needed to throw himself at me.  “Naruto,” I growled, trying not to think too much about his sad eyes.

He clung to me as I held up my rice-covered hand, unsure of what to do with it.

“Do you think that we're in the public-displays-of-affection phase of our relationship?” I muttered.

He nodded, casting his pathetic eyes up at me.  Then his lips started coming closer.

I stuck my hand in his face.  “Do you think we're in the kissing-in-front-of-Sai phase of our relationship?” I asked.

He nodded again.

I stared at him.

Fuck it, we were in the kissing-in-front-of-Sai phase of our relationship.  It was brief and rice-covered and I hated it, but that's where we were at.

Sai wolf-whistled at us.

I glared at him, which only made his smile wider.

“What happened?” he asked, ignoring the fact that Naruto was still straddling my wheelchair.

Naruto looked into my eyes, looping his fingers with mine and kissing my bruised knuckles.  Then he let his attention drift over to Sai and his face took on a guilty countenance.

I knew that things were about to get more annoying.

“Well, none of us are ever going back to Konoha!” Naruto declared with an exaggerated laugh.

“What did you do?” I asked, nudging him away from me and towards the direction of the ground.

He bit his lip, landing on his feet and gazing down at me before flicking his eyes nervously to Sai.

“What did he not do?” Kakashi asked, slapping Naruto on the back.

All three of us recoiled.

“So, where are we off to?” he asked.

“We?” I asked incredulously.

“Off to?” Sai said, scratching his cheek.

“Whassit?” Naruto said, looking the most confused of all.

“I think it would be in our best interest to move quickly,” Kakashi said, suddenly pushing my wheelchair forward.

“Were you followed?!” Naruto asked.

“Most likely,” Kakashi said cheerfully.

“What the fuck is going on?!”I snapped.

“What a mouth you’ve gotten,” Kakashi hummed, still pushing me along at a manic speed while Naruto and Sai kept pace beside us.

“I think Naruto would agree with you,” Sai said with a nod.

“How did you follow me?!” Naruto demanded.

“Trade secrets,” Kakashi said.  “So what’s this about Naruto thinking about Sasuke’s mouth?”

“They’ve begun a courtship,” Sai explained.

“I’m not just going to be pushed around-” I tried to object.

“We’re soulmates,” Naruto said.  “But we don’t have time to talk about that right now, because who followed you?!”

“It’s just an ANBU squad, no big deal,” Kakashi said.  “You know what’s a big deal, you and your one-armed frenemy deciding not to kill each other and do mouth-mating instead.”

“What are any of you even taking about?!” I raged, letting Susanoo cloak me as I rose out of my chair and took Naruto with me.

Kakashi had too much momentum to stop at first, pushing my empty chair along before finally letting go and whirling around to face the oncoming threat.

“They don’t know that I can’t do jutsu,” Naruto whispered in my ear, the glow of his chakra feeding into me.

“Talk your way out of this or I kill them,” I informed him.

His jaw tensed.

Sai floated up beside us on his bird, while Kakashi stood at our feet, looking completely relaxed in the face of the four masked ANBU who were suddenly standing before us.

“Can we help you gentlemen and gentle ladies?” he asked, exuding his usual ‘aw, shucks’ charm.

“No games,” Dog Mask said flatly.

“‘No games’?” Kakashi repeated, and suddenly his chakra was gathering in his hand.  “Should we just fight to the death then?”

Dog Mask tilted his head to the side expectantly.

“That’s not why we came here,” Tiger Mask interjected.  “That’s not what we want.”

“And what is it that you want?” Kakashi asked calmly.

Naruto made a move to drop to the ground and I caught his arm, yanking him back to me.

“Stay put.”

“You told me to talk to them,” he tried to protest.

“Let’s leave it to Kakashi first.”

“Um, Kakashi-sensei is terrible at talking.”

“Kakashi could talk his way out of a paper bag.”

“…what does that even mean…?”

“I feel like you’re mixing metaphors,” Sai chimed in.

“You know what I mean!”

“No, we don’t,” Naruto said, shaking his head.

I almost shoved him to the ground, and the thought scared me to the point of holding him more tightly.

Naruto’s hand slid over mine and started gently prying at my fingers from their death grip.

“Idiot,” I said, because there was nothing else to say.

“I’m sorry, are we boring you up there?” Rat Mask called.

“Yes,” all three of us answered.

Rat and Dog seemed to take that as a call to a fight.

“Just come back to the village,” Tiger Mask interjected, pleading with us.  “Come back quietly and let’s sort this all out.  No one wants to fight.”

Silent laughter seemed to pass through the others, except for Bird who shifted seemingly uncomfortably.

“We don’t want to fight,” he reiterated, and Rat and Dog stayed put.  This was the man in charge.

“Then don’t follow us,” Kakashi said with a shrug, turning around and walking away.

“You know we can’t do that,” Tiger Mask said, taking a step forward.

Kakashi walked past us.

The ANBU prepared to attack.

“Amaterasu,” Naruto said sharply.

“You need to stop with this ordering me around shit,” I informed him, throwing up a wall of flames that the ANBU couldn’t hope to cross.

“You’re the one threatening to kill people,” he shot back, but he looked chastised.

“We’re ninjas.”

“We don’t have to kill.”

I turned to Sai.

He looked back at me.  “You want me to tell him how dumb he sounds?”

I nodded.

“Naruto, friend, you sound dumb.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said quietly.  “I just… I don’t get what it all means anymore.  Those ANBU used to be our allies, you know.  But someone somewhere decided that we’re on different sides, so now we’re arbitrary enemies expected to fight to the death.”

I studied his smooth, unlined eyes built in his world-weary face.

“By the way, why exactly are we fighting to the death?” Sai interceded.

“Oh, uh…” Naruto started, chewing on his bottom lip.  “Well, you see, um…”

“Are you three coming?!” Kakashi called from a significant distance away.  “They’re going to figure out how to get through those things eventually.”

I scoffed at that.  “My flames will burn for seven days and seven nights.”

“I think they’re going around,” Sai pointed out unhelpfully as the ANBU started racing east along the wall of flames.

“Good luck to them, it’s miles long,” I sniffed.

“Is this forest gonna be okay?” Naruto mused.

“For fuck’s sake, are you a pacifist and an environmentalist now?” I growled.

“Maybe,” he said snidely.

“I’m leaving without you!” Kakashi announced.

We all shrugged at that.

“I have food that isn’t ration bars!” he added.

I found myself on Naruto’s back, following behind Kakashi as we moved through the Land of Rivers.

The ANBU were waiting for us at the ferry.

“How… inconvenient,” Kakashi hummed.

“I can take care of it,” I said.

“No!” Naruto said too quickly.  “They’re just following orders,” he added.

“I chose not to follow my orders,” Sai said.

That gave Naruto pause.

I threw up Susanoo for the second time that day.

“Wait,” he growled, drawing up beside me in Kurama Mode.

“This is your last chance to come back peacefully,” Tiger Mask called to us.

“And what would you do to us if we did?” Naruto demanded.

“You would each be taken into custody and given a fair trial.”

Kakashi burst out laughing, his face covered by the novel he was holding in his hand.

Naruto looked conflicted.  “I’m not going to marry a Hyuuga, I’m not exiling Kakashi-sensei, and I’m not going to declare the Fifth dead.”

“What the hell happened the two days you were gone?” I asked incredulously.

He looked at me sadly.

“The village needs you,” Tiger Mask insisted.

“Not that much,” Dog Mask said, which immediately earned him a stare down from Tiger Mask.

Bird Mask stepped forward for the first time.  “We’re allies.  There’s no reason to fight,” she said.

“Then stop pursuing us,” Naruto said.

“You know we can’t do that.  We have our orders.”

Naruto was quiet for a long time.  I could see his thought process working on overdrive.  “I won’t be taking any more orders,” he finally said.

I felt something changing inside of him.

“We tried,” Rat Mask said, taking an offensive position.

Naruto turned to me and held his hand out.

I completed the seal with him, and suddenly what seemed like hundreds of Kurama Mode Narutos were surrounding the ANBU squad.

Kakashi rolled his neck and turned the page of his book, unperturbed by the battle unfolding in front of him.

“You made too many,” I muttered, watching as clone after clone popped out of existence from the ANBU’s simple attacks.

“They’re a distraction,” Sai said, giving a final dramatic stroke of his brush.  A white tiger burst from his scroll, attacking Bird Mask.

“Here we go,” Kakashi said, tossing his book behind him and suddenly launching a taijutsu attack on Tiger Mask.

“I guess that leaves you two to me,” Dog Mask said, suddenly riding a lion.

Rat Mask was right behind him, riding a giant… rat.

Naruto’s hand reached for mine, forming rapid seals as clones appeared and rasengans were formed.

“Stay close,” I growled at him as his clones all plunged into battle.

“Yeah,” he said, squeezing my hand.  It tingled as his chakra infused my pathways.

“I don’t need your chakra.”

“Well, neither do I,” Naruto said with a shrug.

I felt a surge of energy from across the battlefield, strangely familiar, like the swirling of a sharingan, but I didn’t have time to think about it.

Rat Mask leapt onto Susanoo, showing that he wasn’t a complete idiot as he did his damnedest to separate me and Naruto.  His constant frontal attacks, paired with Dog Mask’s long distance sniping that was aimed specifically at making Naruto dodge were starting to really piss me off.  I pulled out Susanoo’s bow, rapidly firing arrows and trying to bring things to a quick finish.

Rat and Dog were more adept than I’d expected.  Or maybe I’d gotten so used to the idea that Naruto and I were untouchable, that I’d forgotten that I was a cripple and that Naruto couldn’t perform seals.

Then Sai destroyed Bird Mask’s henge, and all hell broke loose.

 - 20 -

  “Naruto!” I yelled, reaching for his hand, but he was already gone from Susanoo, knocked down by Rat Mask.  “Fuck,” I cursed, throwing up my bow as a shield from Dog Mask’s sudden attack.

I should have known better than to think Naruto helpless, but he was clearly distracted and couldn’t perform any hand seals.  Somehow he kept it together, grabbing a nearby clone and sending a rasengan into Rat Mask’s face.

I had problems of my own, with Dog Mask doing a surprisingly effective Gentle Fist on my Susanoo.

“Fucking Hyuugas,” I growled, summoning Aoda and dropping onto his head as I released Susanoo.

“Sasuke-sama, your legs,” Aoda fussed.

“Get us distance from the Hyuuga,” I ordered, summoning Amaterasu.

Storm clouds started rumbling in the sky.

Dog Mask thought he had me on the run.  Arrogant prick.

As soon as he was close enough, I struck, pulling lightning from the clouds and sending it directly into Dog Mask’s body.

Naruto and Rat Mask were still fighting, but Kakashi seemed to have Ibiki Morino cornered, and Sai and Sakura were just staring at each other, both unmoving.

I had Aoda check on the Hyuuga.  Whichever one it was, it was dead.

“You just had to make things more complicated,” Kakashi said with a sigh.

“It was us or them,” I answered easily.

“And yet no one else killed their opponent,” he said, giving me a hard look.

I stayed on top of Aoda, looking down on him.  “I’m certainly not the person here with the highest kill count.”

“No, I guess you’re not,” he agreed easily.

“SAKURA.”

We all froze, the power of Naruto’s voice echoing through the open field.

Rat Mask was dumped between Sakura and Morino.

“What were you thinking?!” Naruto raged at her.

Sakura swallowed, her previously defiant façade shattering.  “I-I’m not going t-to lose you again!” she stammered, trying to recover.  “Stop and think for a second, Naruto.  This is crazy, you can’t betray the village like this!”

Nine shimmering tails wagged behind Naruto.  “This village betrayed me,” he said icily.

I still didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but I didn’t like it, and I found myself slipping from Aoda’s head and grabbing onto Naruto’s arm, holding myself upright.  “Explain.”

He looked to me, the rage and sorrow momentarily softening.  “Hyuuga tried to kill Baa-chan.”

“What?” Sakura said, startled.

“You don’t even know what you’re fighting for!” Naruto snapped, angry again.

“I’m fighting for you, you idiot!” she snapped back.  “I’m fighting for your dream!  If you do this… if you walk away now… you’ll never be the hokage!”

“I don’t care!” Naruto shouted, his chakra crackling over my skin unpleasantly.

“You can’t mean that,” Sakura whispered.

“I tell you that they tried to kill Baa-chan, and that’s not enough for you?!” Naruto cried.

“Hyuuga Hiashi is one man!” Sakura cried.  “And Tsunade-sama is fi-” she started and stopped, the pain in her face evident.  “I just left her.  She’s alive.”

“Because Kakashi and I stopped it!” Naruto snapped.

His chakra was hurting me, and I was starting to lose my grip.

“Naruto, what do you want from me?!” Sakura cried.  “You want me to let you just throw everything away and leave the village?!”

“Yes.”

“I won’t do that!”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“Don’t make me go through this again.”

“Come with us,” I stated flatly.

She turned to me, surprised.

Naruto was staring at me in surprise, too.  He suddenly seemed to realize how my whole body was shaking with the effort to stand up, and he infused me with his chakra, keeping me upright.

“I should have asked you the first time,” I said.

“I wouldn’t have-”

“I know,” I interrupted her.  “But I should have asked.  Both of you.  So I’m asking now.”

“I can’t just…” she trailed off.

“You can,” Naruto said, the edge finally gone.

“Come with us,” I repeated.

She shook her head.  “No.”

“Then this is where it ends,” I said.

Naruto looked appalled.  “I’m not gonna let you kill Sakura!”

“I meant Team 7,” I said irritably.

“Oh… uh… hey, so I thought you said that ended when you left the first time.”

“It did.”

“Okay, but you just said…”

Sakura just stared at us through her tears.

“Take these two back to the village,” Naruto said, nodding to the two unconscious ANBU.  “And take care of Baa-chan.”

“Naruto, don’t do this,” Sakura said, shaking her head.  “You can never come back.  You can never-”

“Why would I want to come back?” Naruto said, turning around and abruptly leaving, dragging me along with him.

My left leg started to give out, and I immediately found myself on Naruto’s back.  I could feel the anger and the hurt and betrayal radiating through him.  I slid my arm around his chest, holding onto his shoulder.

Naruto took a breath and leaned his head in to brush his lips against my hand, trying to steady himself.

Sai caught up with us on his bird.

“Who was Rat Mask?” Naruto asked, nodded his head towards the ANBU mask hanging from Sai’s belt.

“No one important,” Sai said.

Naruto and I both looked at him, but all he did was smile.

Kakashi was sauntering along behind us like he had no cares in the world, but his presence felt heavy, like he’d been cut the deepest of all.

“So what happened?” Sai finally asked, voicing my own thoughts.

Kakashi and Naruto were both silent.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said.  “I’ll follow you,” I added quietly, only for Naruto’s ears.

He breathed in sharply, swallowing back his usual waterworks as best as he could.

There was no one to captain the ferry, but Kakashi questioned how hard it could possibly be for four competent ninja to operate a boat, and we were tired enough to pretend that that seemed reasonable.

As we set sail, Sai did a release seal.

“What do you think she’ll do now?” Naruto asked quietly.

“Come after us,” Sai said cheerfully, gesturing towards the receding shoreline.

Sakura was standing there, newly freed from the jutsu that had bound her, and waving her arms frantically.

“Is she trying to stop us?” Naruto asked, confused.

“Maybe she wants to tell us something,” Sai suggested.

“I think she changed her mind,” Kakashi said.

She yelled something at us.

“Can’t hear you,” Kakashi said, pointing to his ears and shrugging exaggeratedly.

Sakura sighed and stepped onto the water.

Naruto didn’t say anything, just stared her down with a very dark look in his eyes.

“Stop the boat,” I told Kakashi quietly.

He looked at Naruto, and I knew he didn’t like what he saw, either.  He stopped the boat.

Sakura walked towards us slowly, her body heaving slightly.

“What do you want?” Naruto asked coldly when she got into hearing range.

She didn’t seem surprised by the venom, but it still clearly stung.  “I…” she started, looking helpless.  “I don’t want it to end like this,” she finally said.  “I trust you.  If you...  I trust you.”

“Then why did you try to stop us?”

“Why did you try to stop Sasuke from leaving the first time?”

“That… that was completely different!”

“Was it?” I asked.

“What, are you on her side?!” Naruto snapped at me.

I shrugged.

“Look, I just need to know,” Sakura said.  “Did someone really try to kill Tsunade-sama?  And if so, why did you leave her behind defenseless?”

“You trust me, but you don’t believe me,” Naruto growled.

“I’m sorry for being confused!  I mean, if you all leave, then what’s going to stop the next assassin?”

“You.”

Sakura looked helpless again.

“Leave the village,” I said.  “Take Tsunade.  They’ll take you in at Suna if Naruto sends word ahead.”

“You make it sound like it’s not impossible to sneak the hokage out of a locked hospital ward into a foreign nation while leaving behind everyone I know and love,” Sakura said, the tears already pricking at her eyelids.

“Then maybe it’s not,” I said.  I wanted to make a dramatic exit into the bottom of the boat because I was tired of all this, but my legs ruined everything.

“Start the boat,” Naruto said.

Kakashi looked at him.

“We’re not finished,” Sakura said.

“We are.”

“This is certainly exciting,” Sai commented.

The conversation stalled as almost everyone glared at him.

“Get on the damn boat, Sakura,” I said tiredly.

Everyone turned to me, confused, except for Kakashi who was beaming like a proud papa.

“We’re leaving,” I added, and this was absolutely the moment for me to make my dramatic exit into the bottom of the boat, but my legs really and truly ruined everything.

Sakura looked completely lost and like she was about to sink into the water she was standing on.

Sai held his hand out to her.

“Why?” Naruto asked me.

“Quit being a moron,” I said.  “I’m going to the cabin.”

He looked at me expectantly.

I looked back at him.

He finally got the hint and gave me his arm, casting a wary glance at Sakura before helping me down the stairs.

I left the situation in Sai and Kakashi’s incapable hands.

“She’s not coming with us,” Naruto said, easing me onto the floor.

“What are you so angry about?” I asked, trying to stretch my aching legs.  They were too cramped up to move well.

“Have you been doing your exercises?” he asked, already invading my personal space.

“Yes,” I said irritably, backing him up with my arm even as he was running his arm up my leg.

“Did Sai help you?”

“Sai cannot help anyone do anything.”

“Get on your back,” he said, tapping my knee.

“No.”

“Why not?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Because you’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on.”

“What is there to know?”

I ended up getting my hand around his throat and shaking him.

“I can still,” he gasped, “breathe, you know!”

“Because I let you,” I growled.

He looked pathetic, so I let him go.

We were both quiet.

“You’re kind of a psychopath…” Naruto murmured.

“And you get turned on by it, so what does that say about you?” I said, kicking my leg in the general direction of his obvious bulge.

“I don’t fucking know,” he said, completely seriously and a little bit worried.  “Fuck,” he said, and then he was crying.

This is what I got for involving myself with an emotional train wreck.  I patted his back awkwardly while he snotted into my chest.

Sai crept down the stairs and I raised an eyebrow at him.  “Sakura’s gone,” he informed us.

Naruto’s head shot up.

“She’s going to try and get Tsunade to Suna,” he said.  “She’s on our side.”

“Then why did she try to stop us?!” Naruto demanded, getting revved up again.

“The same reason you tried to stop me, idiot,” I said, keeping my hand on the back of his neck and holding him in place.

“How many times do I have to say that this and that are completely different?!”

“No, Sasuke is right, it’s exactly the same,” Sai said.

Naruto turned his homicidal look on Sai.

I tightened my grip on his scruff.

“I just wanted to tell you that,” Sai said, taking his leave.

“You need to calm the fuck down,” I informed the angry baby.

“I know,” he said penitently.

I loosened my grip.

“I feel like something inside of me is being lost,” he said very quietly.

“I see you losing it,” I said.

He swallowed.

“We’ll figure it out,” I said, pulling him in close.  It didn’t feel as awkward to hug him.

“Okay,” he agreed, putting his face back in the snot stain.

[airoasis]

How to Become a Millionaire in 3 Years | Daniel Ally | TEDxBergenCommunityCollege

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/how-to-become-a-millionaire-in-3-years-daniel-ally-tedxbergencommunitycollege-16/

How to Become a Millionaire in 3 Years | Daniel Ally | TEDxBergenCommunityCollege

Translator: Mohammed Basheer Reviewer: Denise RQ at present I wish to talk with you about a discipline that many men and women were speaking about for an extraordinarily long time. And that subject is referred to as "success." Success method extraordinary matters to extraordinary people, however what’s success would imply to me is extraordinary than what it may imply to you. And what it should imply to you, is extraordinary than what it approach to a kindergartner who is simply seeking to get a celeb on his homework undertaking.Or possibly to a housewife, who has been looking to get her 5 youngsters in mattress be 9pm. Or maybe even a corporate executive who’s been working for his or her organization for 20-plus years, and most effective wishes to come to be the CEO of their group. As you would tell, we have so many extraordinary definitions of this word success, however the greatest definition i will be able to give you today is this, "Success is all about self-expression." it is about being who you need to be, doing what you need to do, going where you need to go. In view that in relation to your life, you’re the boss, and you have a option. Correctly, you are who you might be today due to the fact of all of the alternatives that you have made for your entire lifestyles.However as we are developing up we’ve quite a lot of individuals who attempt to inform us easy methods to make these alternatives; our father and mother, our academics, our bosses, our buddies, even our neighbors. They are trying to tell us how one can live our lives, what we must do, where we will have to go, how we must walk, how we must speak. However my question for you is that this, "If you are looking to be what different humans want you to be, then who will be you?" So the important thing to success is to discontinue conforming to different people expectations, and start performing to your own degree of expectations.Is to suppose in your self. Is to grasp that what you wish to have will finally come to fruition, as long as you suppose it. You see, you ought to have faith, and faith is understanding that what you need will ultimately come to fruition as long as you suppose it. And should you feed your faith, you will to find traditionally instances that your fears will starve to loss of life, when you consider that if you happen to suppose in yourself, every body else on this planet will suppose in you. Fortunately, for a long time, I did not quite believe in myself.Certainly, i was the sort of person that mothers would almost always warn their daughters about, and fathers would tell their sons, "for those who maintain doing what Daniel Ally is doing, you’ll become where Daniel Ally goes." that they had some credence to what they have been saying, for the reason that as you can assume, your reputation rather is your excellent commercial. I really didn’t have a just right status, for the reason that I was residing so far beneath my knowledge, I was once truely dwelling in my mother’s basement. Through the age of 21, i’d labored over forty specific jobs. I got fired from more jobs than more men and women had. In excessive institution, I graduated 2d to final, the final man; good, he used to be in penal complex. I was once on drugs for eight years, and i used to be burdened. I was once broke, busted, and disgusted, and i knew that I desired to vary; the only concern used to be I didn’t know the way. Am i able to see a show of palms in the event you’ve ever been in a crisis the place you desired to change, however you just didn’t understand what to do? Good, all of us had been there, might be we’re there correct now.I learned there are most effective three methods that i will make a transformation in my lifestyles. Three recommendations I desired to share with you today that can most likely revolutionize your existence from in these days. I do know these steps work considering i’ve been able to do them myself. By using the age of 24, I grew to be a self-made millionaire. I’ve been able to write three books and journey to dozens of nations. I now reach thousands of folks with my work. I believe that these three key principles can trade your life, regardless of how do you define success whether you need to live to age 100 or also have a dozen youngsters, or just have a condominium on the mountaintop someplace no one is aware of about. These three key ideas will aid you to have an understanding of the success in your existence. The first one is to read extra books. All the books on the earth can support us to resolve the entire issues on this planet. But in fact that we don’t ought to read all the books on the earth, considering that we should not have the entire problems in the world, but we do have got to learn the books that aid us to clear up our problems.So, for instance, if you wanted to be trained about cash, you higher be reading books that speak about money. Or should you desired to be trained the way to control your relationships, or to emerge as a greater communicator, there are a variety of books on that. What i am pronouncing truly, is there are libraries which are paved with gold, and library playing cards are free. Books are the tools that release the heavens of your intellect. And leaders are readers. If you wish to succeed, you have to read. Most persons on this planet examine one publication each single 12 months, that ebook, i’d believe, would be facebook. And before people even get up and do their matters, before they drink their espresso or read their paper, they read facebook.But in actual fact that for those who be taught miscellaneous things, you get miscellaneous results; you come to be what you be trained. What do you study, and where is it taking you? A variety of people come as much as me, and they say, "Daniel, i do not relatively have time to read. I’ve children, i have work, i am scholar. I have already got so many textbooks, i am doing so many matters, i am too busy." but for those who don’t have 10 minutes a day, you are basically pronouncing you shouldn’t have a existence. All of us have time to learn, all of us have time to opt for up a excellent guide and skim for ourselves so that we will gain knowledge of. Look! If you read 10 minutes a day, for 30 straight days, that is one book a month. One ebook a month, in 12 months, is 12 books a year. You can do in one year what most people do in 5 years. Talk about no longer having time. All of us have time to learn.Don’t forget, readers are leaders, and the only method that you may be successful is if you learn. My second advice is set getting around the high-quality members that you may. We’re the sum whole of five men and women where we encompass ourselves with probably the most. We earn the equal sales, we go to the equal locations, we do the equal things, we think the identical thoughts. And should you have been to seem at your 5 closest buddies, you’ve got acquired to ask yourself this one question, "who’re my leaders, and the place are they taking me?" In other words, "Are my leaders taking me to the situation i might obviously want to be?" If the reply is no, then you definately need new leaders.You want men and women who’re inspiring, persons that may aid you, lift you up to the objectives that transcend your own likelihood and your pondering. You need to appreciate your objectives, and that you can only do that through getting around the right folks. Many people have what I wish to name "defult pals". Default associates are basically men and women that we see around the nearby, persons at the grocery store, the gym, the mall, at church, at work, all over the place we go. These are people that we naturally befriend as we start to achieve their trust and acceptance. And what tends to occur is, in case you are a extremely ambitious man or woman, and you have rather high goals, quite a few these persons can support you attain your objectives.So that you have to look outside, you need to search for men and women. I’m going to offer you an illustration, I had a pal, his title was once John, and he was truly a plumber, and his father and him had an attractive triumphant trade, at the least it appeared love it. So I asked John, "I want to begin a trade, what exactly do you consider I will have to do?" John pulled me to the corner and mentioned, "Daniel, i do not think you want to start a business, 98% of firms fail within the first three years." Then he proceeded to inform me about all of the explanations why i could not do it, and why it will not work.He informed me how was once so tough working over 100 hours every week, how rough it used to be to manage payroll, and why the recession was maintaining him back from getting more customers. As he instructed me this, I grew to become a little bit discouraged, a bit of dejected, and i went home, and i idea about it. After I get to my journal, I commonly reflect, and i wrote down in my journal, "The 98% of information are made up." including that one.You ought to appreciate that no one’s opinion of which you could end up your truth. And as a way to trade your fact, you have got to change your mentality and the persons you surround yourself with. You have got to get your self round folks who can help you, men and women which are smarter than you, men and women who’ve gone further than you; humans who be aware of what you need to do to get to that next stage. In fact that the persons that you’re watching for are also watching for you, however you must in finding them. In many instances, we encompass ourselves with strangers and family participants who inform us what we cannot do, they limit us. Various individuals have the correct intentions, but probably instances, they furnish the fallacious directions. In different phrases, they want to support us, however they just don’t know how. So get round people who can.Numerous men and women inquire from me, "Daniel, how do you to find these humans?" it’s handy. For those who go with the flow the 1st step, which is to learn more books, you can find that behind the ebook there’s the "concerning the author" section. What I used to do is I used to reach out to the authors. Thankfully, we are living in a brand new millennium which makes it possible for us to get on their social media, their websites, and so we can have a dialog with them. We are able to exchange through without a doubt working out what it’s that they instruct. And if we ask ample questions, we are able to make great development in our existence. Recollect that persons you’re watching for are also watching for you, so get your self round these humans. My last and ultimate suggestion is to set greater targets, since targets make you stretch, they support you to become more of who you’re. And in this enormity of conformity, so many people don’t know set pursuits, they get harassed in regards to the approach. A variety of men and women use New 12 months’s resolutions, but the difficulty with New year’s resolutions is that the person generally tries to do too much, too speedy.Let’s assume Doug wants to discontinue smoking. On December 31st, he says, "i’m done." January 1st, "i am clean, certainly not again." He hasn’t created a plan of motion to attain his pursuits, and hence, it’s not reasonable. Bucket record is whatever else that men and women do, and often, when any person creates a bucket list, they are giving themselves too much time. There is not any urgency, and more often than not, they don’t write their goals down. So, "What do you recommend?" well, i’m completely satisfied you requested. What I do endorse for you is to write your ambitions down. I suppose that a stupid pencil is best than a sharp mind, and to galvanize your unconscious intellect, you need to write your pursuits down, so that you could maintain this steadfastly to who you are. I’ve this system I instruct all all over the world, that is known as, "The 20 proposal method". Essentially, what you do, is you decide upon one overarching intention that you desire to to achieve, analyze 20 recommendations correspond with that particular goal. Let’s consider, for example, you wanted to be a greater public speaker. What are some matters you can do? Good, you would watch TED talks, like you at the moment are, you could practice your speech, look within the mirror to mission yourself, you would learn the dictionary day-to-day.There are so many things you are able to do, however might I provide you with 20 suggestions? The answer is, "sure, i will be able to provide you with a one hundred if wanted to." suppose should you did this in each area to your existence: financially, for promotions, in your household, and you wrote your ambitions on day-to-day. You possibly can be able to achieve so many things for your life. Now we have the whole lot we want in an effort to succeed, but we have got to take the matters we must get extra of the matters that we wish; from the automobiles that we pressure, to the garments that we put on, to the food that we devour, and the men and women that we meet.In this depository of variety, we now have the whole thing we’d like in order to be successful, however we have got to believe. When you think in yourself, you will in finding that all people on this planet will believe in you. And also you also ought to think giant. While you consider tremendous, you’ll do enormous, and you are going to win massive. Well, B-I-G is genuinely is the three recommendations that I need to share with you today: B — the books that you just read, I — the contributors that you simply meet, and G — the pursuits that you simply set for your self. Books, members, and ambitions: that is all you ought to accomplish success, considering the fact that while you consider large, you will do huge, and you’ll win massive, my friends.Thank you. (Applause). .

[batterymonster2021]

How to Become a Millionaire in 3 Years | Daniel Ally | TEDxBergenCommunityCollege

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/how-to-become-a-millionaire-in-3-years-daniel-ally-tedxbergencommunitycollege-16/

How to Become a Millionaire in 3 Years | Daniel Ally | TEDxBergenCommunityCollege

Translator: Mohammed Basheer Reviewer: Denise RQ at present I wish to talk with you about a discipline that many men and women were speaking about for an extraordinarily long time. And that subject is referred to as "success." Success method extraordinary matters to extraordinary people, however what’s success would imply to me is extraordinary than what it may imply to you. And what it should imply to you, is extraordinary than what it approach to a kindergartner who is simply seeking to get a celeb on his homework undertaking.Or possibly to a housewife, who has been looking to get her 5 youngsters in mattress be 9pm. Or maybe even a corporate executive who’s been working for his or her organization for 20-plus years, and most effective wishes to come to be the CEO of their group. As you would tell, we have so many extraordinary definitions of this word success, however the greatest definition i will be able to give you today is this, "Success is all about self-expression." it is about being who you need to be, doing what you need to do, going where you need to go. In view that in relation to your life, you’re the boss, and you have a option. Correctly, you are who you might be today due to the fact of all of the alternatives that you have made for your entire lifestyles.However as we are developing up we’ve quite a lot of individuals who attempt to inform us easy methods to make these alternatives; our father and mother, our academics, our bosses, our buddies, even our neighbors. They are trying to tell us how one can live our lives, what we must do, where we will have to go, how we must walk, how we must speak. However my question for you is that this, "If you are looking to be what different humans want you to be, then who will be you?" So the important thing to success is to discontinue conforming to different people expectations, and start performing to your own degree of expectations.Is to suppose in your self. Is to grasp that what you wish to have will finally come to fruition, as long as you suppose it. You see, you ought to have faith, and faith is understanding that what you need will ultimately come to fruition as long as you suppose it. And should you feed your faith, you will to find traditionally instances that your fears will starve to loss of life, when you consider that if you happen to suppose in yourself, every body else on this planet will suppose in you. Fortunately, for a long time, I did not quite believe in myself.Certainly, i was the sort of person that mothers would almost always warn their daughters about, and fathers would tell their sons, "for those who maintain doing what Daniel Ally is doing, you’ll become where Daniel Ally goes." that they had some credence to what they have been saying, for the reason that as you can assume, your reputation rather is your excellent commercial. I really didn’t have a just right status, for the reason that I was residing so far beneath my knowledge, I was once truely dwelling in my mother’s basement. Through the age of 21, i’d labored over forty specific jobs. I got fired from more jobs than more men and women had. In excessive institution, I graduated 2d to final, the final man; good, he used to be in penal complex. I was once on drugs for eight years, and i used to be burdened. I was once broke, busted, and disgusted, and i knew that I desired to vary; the only concern used to be I didn’t know the way. Am i able to see a show of palms in the event you’ve ever been in a crisis the place you desired to change, however you just didn’t understand what to do? Good, all of us had been there, might be we’re there correct now.I learned there are most effective three methods that i will make a transformation in my lifestyles. Three recommendations I desired to share with you today that can most likely revolutionize your existence from in these days. I do know these steps work considering i’ve been able to do them myself. By using the age of 24, I grew to be a self-made millionaire. I’ve been able to write three books and journey to dozens of nations. I now reach thousands of folks with my work. I believe that these three key principles can trade your life, regardless of how do you define success whether you need to live to age 100 or also have a dozen youngsters, or just have a condominium on the mountaintop someplace no one is aware of about. These three key ideas will aid you to have an understanding of the success in your existence. The first one is to read extra books. All the books on the earth can support us to resolve the entire issues on this planet. But in fact that we don’t ought to read all the books on the earth, considering that we should not have the entire problems in the world, but we do have got to learn the books that aid us to clear up our problems.So, for instance, if you wanted to be trained about cash, you higher be reading books that speak about money. Or should you desired to be trained the way to control your relationships, or to emerge as a greater communicator, there are a variety of books on that. What i am pronouncing truly, is there are libraries which are paved with gold, and library playing cards are free. Books are the tools that release the heavens of your intellect. And leaders are readers. If you wish to succeed, you have to read. Most persons on this planet examine one publication each single 12 months, that ebook, i’d believe, would be facebook. And before people even get up and do their matters, before they drink their espresso or read their paper, they read facebook.But in actual fact that for those who be taught miscellaneous things, you get miscellaneous results; you come to be what you be trained. What do you study, and where is it taking you? A variety of people come as much as me, and they say, "Daniel, i do not relatively have time to read. I’ve children, i have work, i am scholar. I have already got so many textbooks, i am doing so many matters, i am too busy." but for those who don’t have 10 minutes a day, you are basically pronouncing you shouldn’t have a existence. All of us have time to learn, all of us have time to opt for up a excellent guide and skim for ourselves so that we will gain knowledge of. Look! If you read 10 minutes a day, for 30 straight days, that is one book a month. One ebook a month, in 12 months, is 12 books a year. You can do in one year what most people do in 5 years. Talk about no longer having time. All of us have time to learn.Don’t forget, readers are leaders, and the only method that you may be successful is if you learn. My second advice is set getting around the high-quality members that you may. We’re the sum whole of five men and women where we encompass ourselves with probably the most. We earn the equal sales, we go to the equal locations, we do the equal things, we think the identical thoughts. And should you have been to seem at your 5 closest buddies, you’ve got acquired to ask yourself this one question, "who’re my leaders, and the place are they taking me?" In other words, "Are my leaders taking me to the situation i might obviously want to be?" If the reply is no, then you definately need new leaders.You want men and women who’re inspiring, persons that may aid you, lift you up to the objectives that transcend your own likelihood and your pondering. You need to appreciate your objectives, and that you can only do that through getting around the right folks. Many people have what I wish to name "defult pals". Default associates are basically men and women that we see around the nearby, persons at the grocery store, the gym, the mall, at church, at work, all over the place we go. These are people that we naturally befriend as we start to achieve their trust and acceptance. And what tends to occur is, in case you are a extremely ambitious man or woman, and you have rather high goals, quite a few these persons can support you attain your objectives.So that you have to look outside, you need to search for men and women. I’m going to offer you an illustration, I had a pal, his title was once John, and he was truly a plumber, and his father and him had an attractive triumphant trade, at the least it appeared love it. So I asked John, "I want to begin a trade, what exactly do you consider I will have to do?" John pulled me to the corner and mentioned, "Daniel, i do not think you want to start a business, 98% of firms fail within the first three years." Then he proceeded to inform me about all of the explanations why i could not do it, and why it will not work.He informed me how was once so tough working over 100 hours every week, how rough it used to be to manage payroll, and why the recession was maintaining him back from getting more customers. As he instructed me this, I grew to become a little bit discouraged, a bit of dejected, and i went home, and i idea about it. After I get to my journal, I commonly reflect, and i wrote down in my journal, "The 98% of information are made up." including that one.You ought to appreciate that no one’s opinion of which you could end up your truth. And as a way to trade your fact, you have got to change your mentality and the persons you surround yourself with. You have got to get your self round folks who can help you, men and women which are smarter than you, men and women who’ve gone further than you; humans who be aware of what you need to do to get to that next stage. In fact that the persons that you’re watching for are also watching for you, however you must in finding them. In many instances, we encompass ourselves with strangers and family participants who inform us what we cannot do, they limit us. Various individuals have the correct intentions, but probably instances, they furnish the fallacious directions. In different phrases, they want to support us, however they just don’t know how. So get round people who can.Numerous men and women inquire from me, "Daniel, how do you to find these humans?" it’s handy. For those who go with the flow the 1st step, which is to learn more books, you can find that behind the ebook there’s the "concerning the author" section. What I used to do is I used to reach out to the authors. Thankfully, we are living in a brand new millennium which makes it possible for us to get on their social media, their websites, and so we can have a dialog with them. We are able to exchange through without a doubt working out what it’s that they instruct. And if we ask ample questions, we are able to make great development in our existence. Recollect that persons you’re watching for are also watching for you, so get your self round these humans. My last and ultimate suggestion is to set greater targets, since targets make you stretch, they support you to become more of who you’re. And in this enormity of conformity, so many people don’t know set pursuits, they get harassed in regards to the approach. A variety of men and women use New 12 months’s resolutions, but the difficulty with New year’s resolutions is that the person generally tries to do too much, too speedy.Let’s assume Doug wants to discontinue smoking. On December 31st, he says, "i’m done." January 1st, "i am clean, certainly not again." He hasn’t created a plan of motion to attain his pursuits, and hence, it’s not reasonable. Bucket record is whatever else that men and women do, and often, when any person creates a bucket list, they are giving themselves too much time. There is not any urgency, and more often than not, they don’t write their goals down. So, "What do you recommend?" well, i’m completely satisfied you requested. What I do endorse for you is to write your ambitions down. I suppose that a stupid pencil is best than a sharp mind, and to galvanize your unconscious intellect, you need to write your pursuits down, so that you could maintain this steadfastly to who you are. I’ve this system I instruct all all over the world, that is known as, "The 20 proposal method". Essentially, what you do, is you decide upon one overarching intention that you desire to to achieve, analyze 20 recommendations correspond with that particular goal. Let’s consider, for example, you wanted to be a greater public speaker. What are some matters you can do? Good, you would watch TED talks, like you at the moment are, you could practice your speech, look within the mirror to mission yourself, you would learn the dictionary day-to-day.There are so many things you are able to do, however might I provide you with 20 suggestions? The answer is, "sure, i will be able to provide you with a one hundred if wanted to." suppose should you did this in each area to your existence: financially, for promotions, in your household, and you wrote your ambitions on day-to-day. You possibly can be able to achieve so many things for your life. Now we have the whole lot we want in an effort to succeed, but we have got to take the matters we must get extra of the matters that we wish; from the automobiles that we pressure, to the garments that we put on, to the food that we devour, and the men and women that we meet.In this depository of variety, we now have the whole thing we’d like in order to be successful, however we have got to believe. When you think in yourself, you will in finding that all people on this planet will believe in you. And also you also ought to think giant. While you consider tremendous, you’ll do enormous, and you are going to win massive. Well, B-I-G is genuinely is the three recommendations that I need to share with you today: B — the books that you just read, I — the contributors that you simply meet, and G — the pursuits that you simply set for your self. Books, members, and ambitions: that is all you ought to accomplish success, considering the fact that while you consider large, you will do huge, and you’ll win massive, my friends.Thank you. (Applause). .