#able to fucking talk abt it with anyone
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#going to vent a little bit#lately ive been catching myself thinking that i so much wish i could be normal abt my dogs special interest and just#able to fucking talk abt it with anyone#i am literally unable to talk seriously about dogs with anyone#when i was a child my closest family was discouraging me from talking abt my special interest and getting so angry with me#it was in genuinely good faith#there were a few years when i was literally unable to talk abt anything but dogs#so nobody wanted to talk with me in turn lol not other children no adults#it was so many years ago but they did their job alright#i'm twenty and unable to have a true deeper talk abt something that is my biggest love and comfort in the world#just having the biggest mental barrier#idk how to even describe it#it just makes me sad and miserable and lonely a lot lately#everyday just wishing i wasnt the way i am. sorry for being so dramatic but the latest family issues are making me extra miserable#:(
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told yall we wouldnt be getting year 3 from allegory
#magic and mystery#allegory_for_hatred#m&m coil#m&m#coil#lmao#but yeah rip original m&m series#hope allegory is doing well#and im sure this fandom will make it's own year 3s anyway#the ending was painful tho#ouch#thank god it wasnt snape tho lmao#i thought it was at first#yeah we're fucked#anyone who continues the series pls know you are legally required to give a happy ending in the end#m&m as a whole cannot end depressingly#it would destroy me#technically coil did but id say that unles a happy ending comes before year 7 then we have until year 7 for a happy ending#ended well tho#godddd m&m is so well written#but painful#but yeah#i hope blaise is okay#he must be dying from guilt#i dunno how dazai would be able to uphold his promise to blaise of writing#but if he doesnt and blaise and him commit murder together#and blaise doesnt even have dazai to talk to...#itd just be rlly sad#luna kinda joined the gang at the end there tho#uhhhhh plently of stuff to talk abt but im rlly sad so im gonna let it marinate and then come back
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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doing the equivalent of gripping something intensely hard then forcing myself to let it go every time i see something about the stupid fandom drama i got pulled into earlier this year
#nothing bad ppl just... bringing up its existence...AGAIN......#every time i see it i wanna go on a rant for a billion years but the worst place to do that would be on tumblr#I rly don't wanna see anyone talking abt it unless it's to criticize the ppl who started the false accusations or to apologize to us#for the harassment#Buster: You Really Think Someone Would Do That? Just Go On the Internet and Tell Lies?#anyway I cant believe ive had the misfortune of interacting w some1 who has to b vindictive toward others to quell their own insecurity#to accuse us of racism because he wasn't allowed to be in a personal friends discord group...#and then saying that we didn't wanna let him in bc he wasn't a 'popular' account? 1. he has way more followers than some ppl in the server#hence why he was able to get so many ppl to attack us#2. he can't keep his own story straight. First we're racist then we're ableist then we gatekeep popularity?#Dude... we don't like you because you're vindictive and take minor slights way too personally...hence...everything that fucking happened#anyway idk who reported him but i thank them for it and i hope that was worth their account getting suspended for getting paid to harass us#to anyone outside of all this reading this mess... please question the validity of ppls accounts if they don't offer concrete proof#and the only proof is based on assuming that certain actions COULD POSSIBLY line up to the accusations#this includes if multiple people have the same accusation without proof because that's EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED#except it was dumber because several of their accusations literally contradicted themselves#wowww people apologized and informed their audience about possible microagressions once they were informed. they MUST be racist!#and if you don't want to dig into it that deep..then by all means mind your own damn business before you join in on someone else's witchhun
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#i regret not talking more w him abt what i wanted#when he said he fantasized abt taking me away from my world and keeping me to himself i shouldve shared my fantasies too#i have this issue where i thini every word i say i need to be held responsible for#but i know that he is like me#he fantasizes abt it but wouldnt do it for real#unless it was 100% consensual#so insstead of being scared of me sharing my fantasies would mean that i'd say i wanted to for real be#non consensually kidnapped by him -_-#i wish i hadnt been so paranoid and just talked to him abt it all#bc now that i know i cant do that anymore... i dont think i'll ever be able to trust or KNOW someone well enough to do that#and like the thing is fantasizing abt being kidnapped and stuff is only smth i feel with *him*#i trust and love him. he would never be actually abusive. all of those dark sides would be safe to explore w him#like yeah it's just that i know and i understand him and i KNOW deep in my heart i'd be safe with him#that doesnt exist w anyone else and idk if i can know anyone else again :((#bc i just /know/ him well bc i get him and we were made of the same stuff#i havent met anyone before that i just know bc i feel like our souls were meant to connect#fuck... it's all making me so depressed i cant believe i fucked up my chance at like profound epic love#it IS once in a lifetime to come across love like that and i messed it up and idk how i'll ever forgive myself#like i see pics all the time that im like omg....#him kidnapping me aesthetic!!!!!! ^-^ but then im like oh yeah#i cant tell him any of this and it will never happen bc he is thinking these things abt another girl!!!!!!#i wanna die </333
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wasn't even trying to tell my brother anything huge or complicated tonight, it was literally just "oh yeah conspiracy theories can definitely be harmful" (because he was saying that) "another reason is bc they can quickly get into anti-semitic territory" AND THATS LIKE. A WELL KNOWN FACT ???? and he immediately started getting super defensive and saying that no they dont, it depends on the person's viewpoint blah blah blah, I WAS JUST AGREEING WITH HIM AND ADDING SMTH TRUE AND WELL KNOWN TO THE CONVO 😭😭😭
i hate this family so much lol the only good thing abt that is that only my mum was around for that part and she was busy and distracted and I quickly realized my brother was getting extremely defensive and aggressive abt it so i backed down as soon as i realized and moved on to just showing him stupid memes i had in my camera roll bc jfc that was WILD. i rly cannot talk abt anything even remotely to do with societal issues huh 💀💀
#and earlier in the night he said he doesn't like to know about politics BROOOO#IM KILLING HIM WITH MY MIND#i will admit i got rly pissed at that and said ''well i kind of like to have a say in my rights as a human hahaha''#i need to go blow up in a deep pit im so fucking angry and freaked tf out#he rly doesnt give a shit about other people 😀😀😀#he actually said ''idk how anyone is able to like care abt other ppl and look at other ppls things''#''im too busy focusing on myself and my own enjoyment of life blah blah blah''#KILLING HIM BLOWING HIM UP GO TO THE GOO LAGOON IM SICK AND TIRED OF THE APATHY FOR OTHERSSSS#he's talking abt wanting to be released from his ego and im just... brother in ur endeavour u have been caught up in ego in a different way#i hate this family so much#i cannot deal w these ppl jfc#there were other absolutely awful things ppl said too and im just rrrggrgrgh#cannot deal w these self absorbed bigoted shitheads anymore i stg#im going to go back to disengaging from convos entirely and just being a bobblehead again#doormat dolly mode. no opinions no self respect. only mindless agreement so i dont fuck myself over anymore#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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oh yeah not sure where we're at w money btw. we might be able to get some of it back but we wont know anything concrete until friday
#the fey speaks#which is why i haven't been reblogging the d0n0 post#like. i got $115 total and we Do need to buy groceries before friday and also some of it has already been spent on gas for getting to work#so what i'm saying is the support i got so far has already be immensely helpful#i am just not sure how much more help i will need or by when. or anything. until friday.#and i'd hate to keep askin only to end up not needing it ig. that said if anyone still wants to send me a few bucks while understanding tha#i won't say no. there are many things i need money for in this world rn. like a new belt. been thinking abt a cane. but idk how much it#would help so i haven't been able to justify the cost to myself#but like. there's probably better things you could be doing with your money rn.#also its been really hard for me to get info bc no one (my parents. whose bank acct it was.) wants to fucking talk about it#like. i live here too idk i think i should be allowed to know like what days bills are due and exactly how much they cost!#bc originally i was told (by my mom) that Literally All of our bills were due this past monday. and we would have#no power water or gas. but we still do. somehow. so idfk#and she won't talk to me abt it if i ask she just Stops Responding or walks away#and if i try to ask dad he just responds “i don't know” or starts crying. or like self loathing spiral#so basically. even if we get 100% of the original money back#its ALSO possible we will have a shit tone of late fees and overdraft fees to pay. no clue : )
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i remember back in the old fandom days ppl would put whos in their "quadrants" on their blogs and everytime i saw someone actually having a kismesis i would shrivel up bc Humans Should Not Have Those. dont get into a toxic relationship built around hate bc funny webcomic.
#i REALLY LIKE BLACKROM IN *THEORY* I LOVE DISCUSSING IT AND DISSECTING IT AS A FORM OF *DISTINCTLY ALIEN ROMANCE*#BUT NO ONE SHOULD BASE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS AROUND TROLL QUADRANTS.....#i want to examine what a good blackrom would be like but as it stands#most of the blackroms in homestuck are done by the most mentally ill teenagers ever#their REDROMS are fucking suffering#god. let me think. i remember at the end of act 6 i genuinely enjoyed john and terezis flirting#john in general. AS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. seemed like hed be able to grasp the concept of a blackrom pretty well#which probably also ties into partially into his role as a breath player an aspect that focuses on adaptability and freedom#what was i talking abt oh yeah#um. if anyone suggests you and them should have a kismesisitude. run
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he could absolutely break my heart eventually. and i genuinely couldn’t care less
#god this whole thing drives me so crazy because like#i’m not constantly thinking abt when it’s going to be over and how it’ll end and all that like i usually do#of course i overthink and shit sometimes but most of the time#i’m able to remember the things he’s Actually said and done for me and not the things i’m scared he Could say. and i feel better#maybe i’ve said this before but recently i was trying to recall if there was even a single moment where he’d ever like#hurt my feelings or made me feel bad no matter how intentionally or unintentionally it was#and i literally couldn’t think of a single moment where he’d ever hurt me#so of course because i’m me i have to acknowledge there’s a Chance he could hurt me#and i like him so much that if that did happen it would probably really really upset me#but honestly i’m at a place right now where i don’t Care. and it’s crazy#i don’t care if he Could possibly break my heart eventually#because all i’m able to think of everytime i’m with him or talking to him is just how fucking great it feels#i can’t tell if this is any actual personal growth in me because just like#in general i don’t think i’ve ever felt this way abt anyone. it’s so dire#it’s so DIRE.#okay i’ll be quiet now but i’m just like#i don’t know. i just don’t feel negatively abt our relationship at all it just feels so Nice#not even any lingering paranoia can get in the way of how strongly i feel abt it#even if he’s not interested in me romantically whatsoever#he’s still one of the greatest and most supportive friends i’ve ever had and it’s. it’s really good#okay now i’m done
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people leave me but they always have someone else to fill up that space while i keep being all alone bc ppl - who and what they are - and what we shared, really truly mattered to me and i cant just let go and move on and just pick someone new to transfer all of that on... :( and i just wanna talk to them and i miss them but they fill that space talking to the person they actually wanna talk to. it just makes me feel so lonely. and to me, ppl are special. i cant just suddenly stop caring about them and start caring about someone new. im so so so so lonely always in everything i just wanna cry
#i dont blame anyone#im a fucking loser piece of shit. i have nothing to offer. im only a burden and a bother#im stupid im slow i dont know anything abt anything i dont have any skills im not funny.... im not good at anything#im not good FOR anything. so i get it. i get why ppl leave to smth better and toss me to the side#it just makes me so sad bc i cant let go of ppl easily#but nobody ever stays.... :(#and it is so much lonelier when i KNOW they are talking to someone else. someone who isnt me#they dont sit there with no one to talk to no one to be with missing me#lmao.... they have someone that they will start caring about more than they ever cared about me. whi#le im left all alone missing them... wanting to talk to them#but unable to bc they dontwannatalk to me anymore bc theyre talking to the person they actually wanna talk to#why the fuck is my heart so sensitive#i also wanna be able to just fkn leave ppl behind left and right and discard them and jump to the next one without a care#i wanna fucking be like the rest of people like everyone why do i have to suffer sm
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i hope that everyone is aware that i am trying SO HARD to be normal but the universe is TESTING ME.
#i am trying ao hard not to fall back into old habits rn but jesus CHRIST brooooooooo#i havent been able to get barely any time with the staff i need for the past two days and now#theyre like 40mins late with my meds bc of another tenant#and its not even like theyre WITH the other tenant rn btw there are two members of staff sat in the office just talking#and its like bro. BROOOOOOOO#like they know this shit is SO triggering and i know they cant help some stuff but i still feel like i should be able to get my meds on time#if they arent actively with another tenant#its such a small thing but it helps my brain remember that actually they do still care abt me lol#all ive wanted to do since like wednesday was just watch a movie with my fp now that we’re cool again#and i was waiting in the lounge for like an hour and no one even came in#and its not like we planned anything so im not mad or whatever im just frustrated that#i had a rlly shit night last night and a pretty shit day today#and there just isnt anyone around to talk to bc theyre all dealing with someone else#or not even just sat around talking or whatever#idk this shit makes me wanna punch things burn everything to the ground and then kill myself if im being totally honest rn#and like last night and this isnt my therapists fault or anything but ahe wasnt able to pick up#and i managed to get thru it but it just added to the feeling like no one gave a shit#and its past nine again so she probs wouldnt be able to pick up now even tho i kinda need help again#idk this shit just. its so fucking triggering and i feel insane and so tightly wound#and ive been putting so much effort into my stupid therapy and i just wanna let go and have a full on meltdown again#i wanna take a bunch of pills and scream and cry and throw things and argue and just LET GO#cuz i feel like thats my ‘true nature’ and everything else is just me faking#or masking#AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ITS SO MUCH EFFORT AND I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING NOTHING BACK
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sort of thinking abt. how suicidal i've been since. the move here. i cant stand living here another day if i have to go outside and interact with people who clearly dont seem to give a shit about me n dont ACTUALLY care abt my culture or my people / brothers and sisters im going to fucking pop.
#sowwyy to the arabs and victims (settlers) who are affected by the longstanding#conflict in the region#fisher's lake!#how has anyone allowed this to go on? this fake superficial shit that goes on here in the west?#the fact theres a whole course dedicated to teaching students abt indigenous people but on o./ct7 i get a fucking#loudspeaker message loudly declaring like yeah. and u can suck my dick longstanding conflict MY ASS#how is anyone okay with this? back home we would have fucking flipped if someone said that shit to us#students are literally voicing their concerns back home abt not being able to take action and here#theyre able to but they dont fucking care#im going to school everyday while people of my ethnicity are being killed. MURDERED. and what? i have to worry about an english paper#while everyone chants both sides? we need to listen to the killers perspective too? enough. i cant#nto only that but whenever i talk abt my culture or pass the hallways i always get these like looks. like im taking up too much space#and it feels like im the only one rlly. i cant take it. i cant take it. i am going to kill myself#these people. ma byestehu 'ala haalon. they have no self respect and they have no respect towards others and they are backwards#rant
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#don’t want anyone to rb this so i’m putting it in the tags#but i just talked to someone i love and she said that she hates her feet unless they’re manicured#i asked if she’s able to just be neutral about them but she says she can’t be even neutral abt them unless theyre manicured?#and that just depressed the fuck out of me#idk i feel like everyone should be able to feel at least neutral about their natural body yknow?#whatever
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