#Which 1. Super fucked up to say to a kid with ADHD 2. Sticks with you

[flaskoflethe]

I am performing penance. I missed Fluffy Tail Friday, not once but twice. Once by reblogged a post I meant to schedule. Once by forgetting I hadn't scheduled anything. I have learned from my mistakes, and apologize for this horrifying oversight. I can, and will, do better

[yellobb]

15 Questions Tag Game!

Thank you so much to the wonderful, amazing, stunning @raenestee and @shrekgogurt for tagging me 🥰 I love oversharing and I love other people oversharing, so this was a lot of fun! I definitely wrote a fuck ton, so it's under a cut 😅

No pressure tagging: @onepintobean @frjsti @angelsfalling16 @skeedelvee @cutestkilla @moodandmist @petedavidsonscock @palimpsessed @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @gekkoinapeartree @confused-bi-queer @ivelovedhimthroughworse @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @martsonmars @chen-chen-chen-again-chen

1. Are you named after anyone?

My first (government) name is from my aunt on my dad's side and my middle name is from my great grandma :) The nickname Macey is something my grandma came up with, and it has certainly stuck! I dunno, my full name is gorgeous, but it's not really me, so Macey has always suited me just fine 😌

2. When was the last time you cried?

Relatively recently 😅 It was... last Saturday, I believe. One of my best friends got me the book Burn After Writing by Sharon Jones, which is essentially a journal that prompts you with different questions about your past, present, and future. I was stressed and anxious about my future and feeling generally shitty, so I cracked it open. I wrote for the prompt "You have 9 minutes to live and you have a pen and paper. You can get a message out to the people close to you, giving them the best that you have learned. Give them something to carry with them in their own lives. What do you have to pass on?" It was incredibly therapeutic, but I also cried a lot, since I wrote to my sister, mom, and grandma about the things I'd learned and what I wanted them to know. Idk, it was a great exercise in gratitude for the people I care about most in life while also making me think about the lessons life has taught me

3. Do you have kids?

Not yet! I hope to adopt or foster one day. I'm aroace and deathly afraid of pain, so having bio kids isn't in the cards for me, but I still want to help kids. I love working with them, so I hope one day I'll be in a place where I can take care of a few, whether temporary or permanent :)

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not at all lol. I only tend to around the people I've known for the longest, and even then I don't really like it. I just feel like I'm being mean when I'm being sarcastic, which isn't great. Not that sarcasm is mean in general, it just doesn't land when I do it, so I try to be as genuine as I can be. My brother got all the sarcasm genes lol

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I'd say the way they behave, probably. Like, are they talkative or quiet? What's their mood like? Stuff like that. I'm notoriously unobservant about physical characteristics (I'd have to think about it to tell you what my best friend of over a decade's eye color was whoops)

6. What’s your eye color?

Brown! Not super dark, but definitely not hazel.

7. Scary movie or happy endings?

I'd say happy endings. I do like some good sad endings, too, but only in controlled settings, like fanfic

8. Any special talents?

Not sure what counts as a special talent, but I can play the oboe and alto sax, so that's cool! I also pick up song lyrics really quickly, have gotten a perfect score on the jetpunk name all the countries of the world quiz, and can imitate the Disney font, but only to write "Disney" lmao (proof attached) (my sister thinks this one is a whole ass personality trait)

9. Where were you born?

The eastern coast of Virginia! I can't get too specific since I still live there when I'm not at school lol

10. What are your hobbies?

I'm a serial hobbyist. I think it's an ADHD thing, but I want to learn everything, but I almost never stick with the skills I learn. I'd say the ones that I have right now are art, reading fanfic (this counts!), video games, watching YouTube, and hiking

11. Do you have any pets?

I do!!!!!!!! My family has a dog (Piper) and a cat (Wishbone). I also count my grandparents' dogs (Nip and Tuck) and cat (Toby), since I used to spend half of every single week at their house (not exaggerating)

Piper and Wishbone are both sweetiepies 😭❤️ They both are very lovey-dovey, though Piper is a lot more hyperactive. Piper loves to play and terrorize the local wildlife, but she always comes and curls up with me to take naps in the bend of my legs. Wishbone is more hesitant about cuddles, though she's always down to play or receive pets. She's lied on my lap three (3!) times, and it melts my heart, since she makes muffins on my tummy first 😭❤️

Nip and Tuck are brothers, and they're old men in little puppy bodies. Nippie is very calm most of the time, just wanting to lie on laps and get pets, but he's also a manipulative little bugger. He likes to drop his treats when him and Tuckie get them, bark until Tuckie switches treats with him, then abandons his new treats to do it again. Or drop treats and stare at them until Tucker comes to pick them up, then bark like a madman when he does. Tucker is more of a sweetheart. He's a butterball, since he tends to eat some of Nipper's leftovers, but that's okay. He likes attacking my hair lol. Both of them are big face-lickers (Tuck is on the left and Nip is on the right)

Toby is a fat asshole lmao. He likes being around people he knows, but you can't come too close or he'll fight you. He bullies the puppies (he's way bigger than them) to the point where poor Nippie has anxiety!

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I tried a bunch when I was little, but dance and swimming have stuck around the longest. I did dance (ballet, tap, and jazz) from when I was a little 5yo (hehe I actually had a picture of me and my sister in our costumes on hand, so enjoy) until I graduated high school. I still enjoy jazz dance in particular a lot, but haven't really found an avenue to continue it casually yet

Swimming I've done since I was like 6, if I had to guess. We have a pond in my backyard, so my mom wanted to make sure my siblings and I knew how to swim just in case. I ended up doing summer league from 10-18 and being on the varsity team at my high school (not a high bar, I'm very slow lol). Whenever I want to get a workout in, I go swimming above anything else. It's just so nice to be in the water :) Also, my main stroke is backstroke since it's the best one no I will not be taking criticisms

13. How tall are you?

5'6"

14. Favorite subject at school?

In high school I was always a STEM gal (with an emphasis on the STE). Right now, I like my more creative ones, so human-computer interaction, cinema courses, or anything that involves creative computing :)

15. Dream job?

Something that I won't get burnt out on, that allows me to work later in the day in the day instead of early in the morning. I want to do something with virtual reality and/or video games, but in a position where I can do all the different things. Design the experience, make the art, make the script, and code the stuff. I just love the creative process of video games and the art you can make with it and am also obsessed with virtual reality as a medium :)

[whmp]

in case you're just here for the good stuff, i'll be tagging my personal ramblings as #whmpersonal so you can avoid em BUT this is tangentially related to the game project i'm working on, so stick around i guess? tl;dr: i'll probably make a more coherent post where I ask ppl for help (especially artists). also, i'll be more attentive and answer your asks faster, hopefully. : )

anyway, after a bit of a "review" of my creative process (and i guess my uhh way of living in general?) i've noticed that it's a huge clusterfuck. and that it has been since i was a kid. without some external pressure or an imposed structure (like deadlines, parents or strongly worded emails) i just sort of relied on random surges of productivity to carry me through life. on one hand, it's kinda fun: most of the time i'm not doing anything valuable and then all of a sudden i condense weeks worth of work into several sleepless days during which i feel like An Immortal Unstoppable God. lighting bolts shoot from my fingertips, my eyes glow in the dark, and my caffeine-to-blood volume ratio is hovering around 1.

unfortunately, it's not really sustainable. the "not doing anything valuable" stage that takes up most of my time is not me just chilling. it's me freaking the fuck out about not doing anything despite wanting to and finding myself just. not able to. not to mention that some things just need minor, but constant maintenance - at best i'd just forget about them and face the consequences later on. at worst i'd be acutely aware of them while procrastinating, clueless as to what's wrong with me.

couple that with a couple other unhealthy habits, a microscopic attention span and wow, i fit like all the criteria for adhd. i gotta admit i was super sceptical at first when doing any research, since, well. how the fuck am i even supposed to gain any unbiased insight into this. anyway, i spent a stupid amount of money on an official diagnosis (seriously why is this not covered by insurance gsygx), it took a million meetings and tests and i get a piece of paper that says i have add and deserve some medication.

this has also made me realize that i'm spread out super thin when it comes to projects. i love every single one of them, but im going to have to be a bit more realistic in terms of what can remain in "when it's done" limbo and what needs a bit of a push. the whump game is unique in that it's not just me who wants this to eventually get released. so! what this means is that it needs a proper, project structure. not a .txt on my desktop where i keep a backlog of missing features. but must important of all, it needs ~*people*~. this is the first time i took a step back and estimated how much time everything would take me and yeahhhh i was being very optimistic when i said "playable build in 2023" lol. i've been hesitant to ask for help bc 1. i'm stubborn : ) 2. im bad at coordinating stuff 3. i can't pay ppl - like seriously, there is one person making a model for me (if you're reading this sorry i didn't ask if you want a tag but this is just a personal post where i keep yapping) and it's looking so clean and professional,,, you gotta sell this as an asset.

HOWEVER im getting past the mentality of "i gotta do as much as i can by myself". and also taking meds so that im able to focus on tasks (both gamedev-related and others) and actually pay attention to what im doing. which is great news for development! and answering asks! ill be making a dev post where i tag all the ppl and will also ask for help.

that's it. im on a train rn and bored out of my mind so this is why this post exists, sorry. anyway check out this screenshot of a moment in clone high that i relate to deeply.

[dusksmote]

Is there any background info you can give on characters in WTSAU?

Like any cool hc you give the characters?

okay i have SO MANY 😩 but i can’t say all the best ones until later cuz they involve SPOILERS

so i’ll try to say all the ones i can with the information given:

Style:

- Kyle’s had feelings for Stan since he realized he was gay, which was in middle school. When Stan came out as bi he told Kyle first, before Wendy, even though they were dating at the time. Kyle’s insecurities prevented from acting on his feelings even after they broke up.

- Wendy has pegged Stan in the past, but Kyle is the first guy Stan’s ever been with. Wendy has come around to support their relationship since the events of ETL chapter 4.

- Stan is always the first one to say ‘I love you’.

- Kyle was the last one in their big friend group to lose his virginity, but he has one of the highest sex drives of the guys. He and Stan switch off being top almost equally, but Kyle prefers to top and Stan prefers to bottom. they fuck daily.

- When they want to have a hard, passionate fuck Kyle tops. when they want to have slow, emotional sex Stan tops. Kyle has slight sadist tendencies (inflicts pain) and Stan has masochist tendencies (receives pain). Stan is especially into breathplay (choking, face sitting, crushing, etc.) and assplay. he’s the best ass eater (so call him a bottom feeder 😂) and Kyle’s superior in the blowjob department.

- Stan has hyperhidrosis, meaning he sweats more than the average person. this is why their rooms/the truck/anywhere they fuck smells so strong. there’s a few hints for this in ETL/WTSAU, he keeps antiperspirant in his locker and in the truck, he gets really sweaty whenever they have sex. Stan also has asthma and acne, which Kyle’s been helping him treat. Kyle loves popping his zits for him.

- Conversely, Kyle is super hygienic and always tries to keep himself clean and dry. when Sharon comes into Stan’s room in chapter 1 and describes the smell, the gym locker scent is Stan, the Old Spice is Kyle, and the ‘inside of a rubber balloon’ is their latex lubricant. 

- Everyone at school considers them the obnoxious, overly romantic couple. they hold hands, cuddle, kiss, and dirty talk in front of everyone. they think they can get away with it without people noticing but they’re chronically conspicuous and not stealthy. the working title for the fanfic was actually ‘Ain’t Slick’ for a while before it changed to What They Say About Us!

- they’re fucking devoted to each other and are exclusively monogamous. Stan is especially protective of Kyle and Kyle is fiercely possessive of Stan. 

- Kyle applied as a math major in his college applications, and will eventually get a PhD for logic and set theory. Stan’s a bio major and wants to go into physical therapy.

- Stan doesn’t smoke weed out of principle (because of his dad) so Kyle also doesn’t smoke in solidarity. 

- Kyle is a type 2 diabetic, and doesn’t need to always take insulin. his weight gain began with the World of Warcraft episode and was maintained instead of lost like in the show. his weight is a cyclical feedback loop of: genetics (mom’s side of the family), too much insulin (when using insulin therapy), and diet. this led to him developing lordosis (excessive weight warps his spine) so he didn’t grow as tall as he would have, and makes his weight appear more exaggerated. short stature, weight, and body image issues led to quitting basketball which in turn contributes more to his weight. this impacts his self-worth which leads to stress eating. his biggest fear is that he’ll never stop gaining weight and will end up as big or bigger than Cartman.

- Stan has gained a few pounds since he started dating Kyle, while Kyle has lost a few.

Cutters/Bunnyman/Kenrietta:

- Kenny is straight, but has voluntarily sucked dick before. he and henrietta have hooked up a few times in the past after running into each other at poetry slam events which Kenny takes Karen to. 

- Butters and Cartman are exclusively gay, and think girls are fucking gross. they’ve only every slept with each other.

- Kenny, Cartman, and Butters are all best friends and do pretty much everything together. even though Butters and Cartman are dating, Kenny never feels like a third wheel because they rarely act romantic in front of anyone (including him). however, when Style start dating and Cutters come out about their relationship, Kenny begins feeling like a fifth wheel.

- Butters lives almost entirely at Cartman’s house. His parents actually don’t mind because they enjoy not having him around. Liane is 100% the cool mom from mean girls who asks them if they want snacks or a condom. Sometimes all three of them crash at Kenny’s house for variety (or when he has to watch Karen because his mom is drinking/out of the house).

- Kenny wants to study psychology in college and become a family therapist or social worker. he’s taking a gap year to save money then going to community college. Cartman and Butters applied to the same schools and plan to stick together long-term.

- Butters and Cartman’s relationship started as experimenting with each other as their sexualities developed, and began after Cartman confided that he had sexual feelings for Kyle. Cartman and Butters have also developed genuine feelings for each other, and overtime their relationship transformed into what it is now. because of how their relationship started, they’re very open about any sexual feelings they have for other people and have a ‘hall pass’ for friends they’re allowed to fuck if given the chance, without it considered cheating.

- Butters is a huge gossip. he will promise to keep secrets and then immediately turn around and tell Cartman--which totally happened after Kyle said he thinks Stan has a crush on him in ETL chapter 2. Butters and Cartman keep nothing from each other, and the only secrets they won’t tell are the ones about each other. 

- Kenny is the easiest of the larger friend group to confide in, and keeps every secret he’s given. he’s known Cartman and Butters have been together since the beginning, about Cartman’s crush on Kyle, and Kyle’s crush on Stan. People naturally come to him for advice and to vent. The least likely person to confide in him is Kyle, who’s more likely to curl in on himself instead of expressing his feelings.

-SO much shit about Cartman and Butters’ relationship I can’t say yet because it comes up in the fic 😩 please ask me about these two again later when i can say more!!!

Creek:

- Tweek is a dom top and Craig’s his catamite. they try to get away with sex anywhere they can and have gotten very stealthy because of it. Tweek also has one of the highest sex drives of their friend group, and Craig will let him do whatever he wants anywhere, anytime. 

- Tweek is constantly high on stimulants (cocaine, meth, adderall, etc.) and Craig experiments with him in certain settings. this is what gives Tweek his boosted self-confidence and flippant attitude. 

- Pete Thelman (hair flip goth) is their coke dealer. Tweek trades him his ADHD meds for it, which Pete resells to posers. If Tweek doesn’t have enough to cover the cost he and Craig make up the rest by giving Pete sexual favors. sometimes they have threesomes for fun too.

- Tweek and Craig both think Kyle is hot and would fuck him given the chance. being open about this with each other makes them feel closer and strengthens their relationship. they have roleplayed as Stan and Kyle in bed before while high out of their minds.

- they're deeply in love and would do anything for each other. Craig could get Tweek to stop taking drugs if he wanted to but right now they enjoy experimenting with them together. in the words of everyone who know them, ‘Tweek and Craig are perfectly fucked up for each other’. 

Kyle’s family:

- Sheila’s biggest regret as a parent is letting Kyle get fat, because she was also overweight as a kid and dealt with the same issues he does now. It’s the same reason she feels obligated to help Kyle’s cousin overcome his weight dilemma (by trying to get him and Stan to hang out).

- Ike is an eboy who loves lil peep. He, Karen, Tricia, and Firkle all make tiktoks together and complain about their gay older brothers/friends.

- random fun fact: If Ike and Karen get married that would mean Kyle and Kenny are brothers-in-law, which would mean the main five all end up as extended family to one another.

Stan’s family:

- Sharon has plans to divorce Randy but is waiting until Stan leaves for college to not uproot him from school and his friends.

- Grandpa Marsh is still kickin’ in the old folks home and Shelly’s off in college.

- Randy’s a narcissist who lives vicariously through Stan’s accomplishments in sports. the easiest way to explain it is: Randy’s not as proud of Stan for being a successful athlete and attractive jock as he is proud of himself for producing one. Stan’s ability to get laid with (he presumes) hot girls makes Randy feel like he has game too. one of the reasons he’s disgusted by Stan’s relationship with Kyle is if Stan’s fucking some big fat guy it doesn’t align with his narrative. 

-

this is just the stuff i could think of off the top of my head, i’ll probably come back and add more to this as i remember it. ask me again in a few chapters!!! i have so much i want to say about bunnyman, cutters, the future for style, and their families that i can’t say yet!

[gingersnapwolves]

So Untamed looks really cool and I want to watch, but I have a problem and idk if you have any tips maybe? I tried watching the first episode (didn't get very far, maybe 15 minutes) and was utterly confused. I think I'm having a hard time keeping track of characters/names? Partially because I'm not used to watching non-English media and partially because it's hard to get an unfamiliar name to stick in my head the first time I see it, maybe? Any tips on figuring out what's going on in ep1?

Friend! I’ll have you know that I had NO FUCKING CLUE what was going on for the entirety of episode one. Literally SO CONFUSED. Nearly stopped watching. However, luckily for you, I am pend-up and bored right now so I have made a guide for you.

First things first: just accept you will be confused during episode one. Or skip it entirely. Along with most of episode 2.

The timeline goes like this:

Episodes 1+2 -> jump back 16 years! -> episodes 3-32ish -> these take place over the course of about 3 years -> jump forward! 13 years! back to where episode 1 started! by this time you have forgotten everything in episode 1 and 2 and you’ll have to rewatch it anyway!

I’m not saying you can’t watch it in order but boy is it easier to understand if you watch it in chronological order instead. But unfortunately the flashback starts about five minutes before the end of episode 2, not just at the beginning of episode 3, so you have to skim through that episode and wait for Wei Wuxian to faint in a field.

Now, a quick guide! I’ve made snapshots from early on in the series so these are the outfits they’ll be in when you meet (most) of them. Here are your protagonists:

Wei Wuxian aka Wei Ying

Precious ADHD child. Wants to be friends with everyone but also is ready to Throw Down at the drop of a hat. Classic disaster bi.

Lan Wangji aka Lan Zhan aka Hanguang-Jun

Mr. Stoic. Usually seen annoyed with Wei Wuxian’s antics. Classic repressed gay.

Quick note on names: almost all the characters have two. They get a name at birth (Wei Ying, Lan Zhan) and later when they come of age they get a courtesy name (Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji), and if they’re super cool they get a title (Hanguang-Jun). I could write a long, long primer on what names are used in what situations but it can basically be summed up as the courtesy name is more formal and respectful, and the title is even more respectful than that, and when Wei Wuxian calls Lan Wangji ‘Lan Zhan’ in episode 4 he’s doing it SPECIFICALLY to be a little shit and get a rise out of Lan Wangji, and oh boy does it work.

Additional sidebar: in the book at least, they are 16ish at this point, I know they don’t look it, but teenagers never look like teenagers on American TV either, so, whatever. Anyway that explains a lot of Wei Wuxian’s behavior lmao.

Their families:

Jiang Cheng also but hardly ever known as Jiang Wanyin

(sidebar: these are not really the best caps because my computer was being a jerk so I was just grabbing the first one that came to hand, sorry for not catching your best side JC)

(Because the story is from Wei Wuxian’s point of view, and he grew up with Jiang Cheng, the less formal name is used even in the prose, hardly anyone ever calls him Jiang Wanyin)

Jiang Cheng is Wei Wuxian’s younger brother (although Wei Wuxian is adopted) who is angry almost all the time because Wei Wuxian gets away with Literally Everything including things he really shouldn’t, and Jiang Cheng has massive jealousy and resentment issues which are pretty much his mother’s fault. He’s not a bad guy but oh boy, board the Issues Train.

Jiang Yanli (women do not get courtesy names)

(or maybe this is her courtesy name? Please correct me if I’m wrong)

Jiang Yanli is their older sister. She is made of sunshine and rainbows.

Notes on this family: Clan Leader Jiang was friends with Wei Wuxian’s parents. When they died, he took in Wei Wuxian. His wife is Big Mad About This because she suspects (probably correctly) that Clan Leader Jiang was in love with Wei Wuxian’s mother. However, as Wei Wuxian’s mother is now dead, she should Get Over This. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t. This causes lots and lots of problems. Like. Half the series probably could have been avoided type of problems.

Lan Xichen aka Zewu-Jun

Lan Wangji’s older brother. Not Actually a Himbo because he’s not actually dumb. He possesses multiple brain cells. He just Never Uses Them. Very soft and gentle, would like to protect. He’s the Clan Leader even though he’s much younger than most of the other Clan Leaders because their father is either dead or in seclusion depending on if you’re in book or TV show canon.

Lan Qiren

Their extremely strict uncle who raised them and probably didn’t mean to fuck them up for life but probably did.

He’s known to be a good teacher which is why everyone in the teenager arc is there in the first place for Sword Wizard school.

Sidebar: nobody in this show really ages. They’ve done some stuff with makeup and hair to show the time change before and after the skip but that’s all. This is a genre thing; once Sword Wizards have attained a certain level of Sword Wizardry, they stop aging.

Other Important Characters:

Nie Huaisang

Young master of the Nie clan. He is Their Soft Friend during Sword Wizard school.

Jin Zixuan

Heir to the massive Jin clan. He is a dick in the first arc. Gets better later but boy does it take some time. He is betrothed to Jiang Yanli but feels it’s below his station so he’s a jerk to her a lot of the time.

Meng Yao

Jin Zixuan’s illegitimate half-brother. Their dad is a slut. And I don’t mean to slut shame, but he is a Bad Person also, and doesn’t care about his illegitimate children, which tends to cause problems. Meng Yao tried to join the Jin clan when he came of age but Dad Slut refused to allow him in, so he went to serve the Nie Clan instead. But, he is not technically a young master like all these other characters and is more of a high-ranking servant.

Wen Ruohan

The Big Evil of Part One, easily identifiable by his outfit, Lava Palace, and propensity to make zombies

Wen Chao

His super obnoxious kid who goes around threatening people and pissing me off.

Wen Qing

Badass doctor with a big heart who’s serving Big Evil because a) he took her and her brother in after her parents were killed, and b) her brother is basically a hostage.

Wen Ning

Her brother who nearly had his soul sucked out by a ghost one (1) time and as a result is kind of delicate and fragile, but always wants to help others.

Xue Yang

An Edgelord who works for Wen Ruohan and just wants people to stop kinkshaming him for his homicidal tendencies.

These are all the characters you really have to known for the first arc (Sword Wizard school) and by the time you get to episode 6 or 7 you will have gotten used to the names and stuff, I promise. It just takes some time. The rest of the characters are introduced slowly, one at a time, so you don’t get as overwhelmed.

Anyway! I hope this helps! I would really recommend just skipping to the end of episode two (again, watch for Wei Wuxian fainting in a field, that’s your cue that the flashback is about to start) and watching from there, then when you get to the time skip, just go back and watch episodes 1 and 2.

Let me know if you have any questions as I’m always happy to answer them!

[ofelvie]

joe keery. cis male. he/him.  ／  elvie croft just pulled up blasting spooky boy by danny gonzalez  — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty - four year old youtuber, i’ve heard they’re really scatterbrained, but that they make up for it by being so loyal. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say 80s horror, buckets of halloween candy, and blurry photographs of mysterious figures in the woods. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( sam, 23, est, she/her )

hey there demons! *ba dum tss* my name is sam and i’ll be writing elvie, a brilliant harvard law graduate who threw away any shred of credibility he ever had in order to make silly videos on the internet. more info under the cut. feel free to message me if you would like to plot!

i. stats

𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖑 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊: elvin tupelo croft

𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖘: el, elvie, the ghost guy

𝖍𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖓: salem, massachusetts 

𝖉𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍: october 31, 1995

𝖟𝖔𝖉𝖎𝖆𝖈: scorpio

𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓: demisexual

𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓: lawyer youtuber

𝖕𝖔𝖘. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: loyal, open - minded, exuberant.

𝖓𝖊𝖌. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: scatterbrained, obstreperous, impulsive.

𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖇𝖞: shawn spencer, psych ; fox mulder, the x files ; stiles stilinski, teen wolf.

ii. history

elvin tupelo “elvie” croft was born in salem, massachusetts ( yes, really ) on halloween day ( yes, really ). an only child, his father is the district attorney for essex county, massachusetts while his mother owns a store in town that sells witchcraft supplies such as crystals, herbs, grimiores, etc. fun fact: she’s the descendant of an accused witch, meaning that elvie is as well.

as it turns out, beneath of the surface of the few tourist attractions that it has to offer, salem has a small town, stuck in the past vibe. it’s the sort of place where everyone knows everyone all their lives because no one ever leaves and no one ever moves in. he grew up in this...eccentric...environment, living in the same house all his life and only ever leaving to visit his grandparents in boston. 

he was five years old when he saw his first horror movie ( an apathetic teenage babysitter let him stay up long past his bedtime to watch nightmare on elm street ) and from that moment on he was HOOKED.

when he started school, two things about him became apparent: 1) he was highly intelligent and 2) he struggled greatly with tasks such as sitting still and staying focused. he was tested, and it turns out that he has a through the roof genius level iq and he also has adhd, which he was put on a few different medications for until something finally seemed to work for him.

he could have been one of those child prodigies who finished high school at the age of ten and then college at the age of fourteen, BUT his parents decided that they didn’t want him to miss out on the experience of going through school with people his own age.

as the smartest kid in class with glasses and braces and an insatiable obsession with all things horror and halloween, he…was picked on. mercilessly.

so, he didn’t really have any friends...............................at all.................................but he didn’t mind. he was perfectly content to go right home after school and spend the rest of the day reading comic books or watching horror movies or researching local urban legends and paranormal stories.

he started his youtube channel when he was a teenager and it was…trash honestly. it was basically buzzfeed unsolved if buzzfeed unsolved consisted of one ( 1 ) dorky teenager yelling at the air in the middle of abandoned house at 3am, but it turned out that people found it entertaining. his first few videos were flops, but he would soon start amassing subscribers in the hundreds, then thousands, then hundreds of thousands.

so, when he got to his senior year of high school, he was a shoe - in to be named class valedictorian ( he was ) and he was even getting ivy league offers. at the same time, his youtube channel was starting to gain momentum. his parents mainly his father were really pushing him to attend college and elvie, genius level iq and all…didn’t want to go. he wanted to focus on his youtube channel, but his dad was absolutely not having it.

he attended harvard for both his pre law and law school studies, breezed through classes, graduated with honors at the top of his class and once he passed the bar exam there were countless job offers waiting for him. elvie ignored them all and moved to los angeles so that he could finally focus on his youtube channel.

it’s been almost two years since he moved and he likes it in california!

iii. extras

his name is elvin but basically no one ever calls him that. his own parents don’t even particularly like the name. long story. most people call him elvie and some who are super close to him just call him el.

while he is the “ryan” aka the believer of his youtube series, he’s definitely NOT a scaredy cat like ryan the poor guy. in fact, all his life there’s been this running joke that HE DOESN’T SEEM TO BE SCARED OF ANYTHING, and who knows? maybe he isn’t.

has the most cartoonishly exaggerated boston accent that one could ever hope to hear, except he doesn’t seem to realize it at all. 

10/31 blaze it he’s a HUGE stoner.

he’s got jokes. stay vigilant.

he’s OBSESSED with all things horror, halloween, and 80s. he makes a lot of film references that are often so obscure that most people don’t even catch them.

he is legally permitted to practice law in the states of massachusetts and california, so basically: he’s a lawyer! however, this is not at all common knowledge because...

most people don’t know how smart he actually is because he intentionally plays dumb and he’s really good at it. being high all the time and his natural chaotic energy is quite helpful in hiding his intelligence. he just doesn’t like to be seen as smart, so the whole once - brilliant law student thing? not common knowledge whatsoever. he tries not to mention the college he attended by name at all, but if he has to then he lies and says that he went to salem state.

and yes, he has SO MUCH chaotic energy. he’s the kind of person who will stick a fork in his microwave just to see what would happen out of sheer boredom. he has two pet mexican redknee tarantulas that probably aren’t even allowed on campus named freddy and jason who he just…fucking loses track of every other day. his favorite drink is literally black coffee mixed together with a can of monster energy and 5 ( f i v e ) teaspoons of sugar. he is c h a o s. he has absolutely NO IMPULSE CONTROL whatsoever. 

he has slight Daddy Issues™. slight. when he was born, his dad was hoping that he would get a star athlete kid who would go on to follow in his footsteps and one day become a successful, respectable lawyer but instead he got…elvie. he’s never outright said that he’s disappointed but he didn’t need to. elvie’s a really difficult person to rattle but every time, without fail, he ends a phone call with his dad and he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day. 

his car is this PIECE OF JUNK giant turquoise van that he painted to look like the mystery machine. her name is laurie strode.

even though he makes constant pop culture references about horror movies and the 80s, but outside of those areas he’s completely clueless about pop culture. like, he can recite the entire scripts of the shining and empire strikes back and ferris bueller’s day off word for word, but if someone tried to talk to him about the new post malone song or the latest marvel movie he would just stare blankly.

he has a HUGE sweet tooth. his favorite food is halloween candy and his favorite candy is black licorice disgusting i know.

he takes adderall for his adhd and he’s usually good about keeping up with it. started keeping them on his person in college because he realized that his meds were getting stolen and it’s a habit he's held onto that doesn’t really keep his shit from getting stolen.

.he’s good at…A LOT of things because he’s a really fast learner. he can play the guitar, he can draw, he did drama in high school. he just has to watch someone do something once and then he can usually immediately do it himself. this skill doesn’t extend to physical activities such as sports, however. he’s terrible at those.

he’s basically a cartoon character

iv. wanted connections

friends

cousin  ( their grandparents would probably be from boston but otherwise anything really goes for this )

his weed dealer lmao

smoking buddies

people who don’t like him / find him annoying

has stolen his adderall

maybe someone who knows how smart he really is

exes and flings

( these are just ideas and i’m trash at coming up with these, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here. )

[discolipton]

Why I Haven’t Been Posting Fan Fic Even Though I Swore I Would Post For Mermay

First thing’s first; I hope that everyone is staying safe rn, especially all of my Black followers. I’ve mostly been talking (by talking, I mean retweeting/reblogging) about the protests on my twitter and my main blog (albeit to a lesser extent, as i don’t really post on tumblr super often), @degofg . I encourage everyone to post about this if they can, especially if you are also white. Black people do not have the luxury of being able to ignore what is happening right now, and we need to do our part to back them up and elevate their voices. (Quick side note; if you’re pro cop, racist, or believe in making shit worse for Black protesters so that you can live out your anarchist wet dream, the unfollow button is in the upper right corner. Clear the fuck out.)

Second; Happy Pride Month! Take pride in who you are. Remember that the first pride was a riot, and (if you are LGBT+), our liberation is owed to people of color, especially Black and Latino trans women. You owe it to them and to your fellow human beings to honor and value the lives of people of color. Especially Black people.

THIRDLY, and the actual point of this, is that I am so sorry that I haven’t posted anything in close to a year. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I keep saying that I’m going to write shit and then not doing that. While I’d like to think that I don’t owe anyone a peek at my inner mechanations, I do feel bad promising to write and then not posting. So here it is.

I’m what the kids call ‘Sigmund Freud’s Dream Patient.’ I have ADHD and anxiety (amongst other things), and some body image issues that I will keep to myself for the illusion of privacy. For me, it’s extremely debilitating and keeps me from 1) sticking to things, and 2) being able to multi task.

My room was a fucking war zone for months (close to a year) because it was so overwhelming and I had no clue where to start beyond throwing everything away. Which, while an attractive proposition for my decluttering-OCD ridden ass, was not really a good or effective plan. So there it sat, looking horrible. And because it was so overwhelming, it only helped to keep me from writing. This is just one example, but what I’m getting at is that I tend to weigh all tasks and goals as equal.

I also get a lot of different ideas for projects all at once. And while it is very exciting, it becomes a problem when it comes time to write. Going back to what I said earlier, I weigh all projects as equal. So, when I try to write, I want to work on so many things that I just; feel like shit for not writing, and potentially tricking people into thinking I’m half way competent as a writer. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s there.

But I finally cleaned my room, and thought that this would make writing easier! And it did! Except I had cleaned my room the week before returning to work, and I did it all in the space of about ten hours because we have to sell our house! I’m actually moving out this summer to an undisclosed location (unless I feel like sharing it, which I probably will eventually, if I’m being honest.). I had always assumed that I would be one of those writers who could balance fan fic, original novels, and day to day tasks. Which was wildly idiotic and almost adorable, considering my inability to function without a fuck ton of things going on.

My point is, and this is the good news, I’m getting better. I’ve come out of a bit of a downwards spiral, and cleaning my room/decluttering like I’ve wanted to for years has really helped clear my head. I don’t want to promise specific dates or anything, but I promise that I am working on plans for fics. A multi chapter HBO War fic may not be for a few moons. Mostly because I want to put out a Jurassic Park fic I’ve been sitting on for a year. Preferably before the new movie makes sweet love to it and makes me watch from a dimly lit corner.

I hope this hasn’t been too frustrating for y’all. I appreciate your patience. It doesn’t escape me that I am by no means a Big Name in the fandom, but I appreciate your support all the same. The time has come to be an adult, unfortunately, but that is usually what happens when you make it this far. Honestly, it’s kind of weird to be approaching a stage of my life that I only really heard about in the notes of the fan fics that I read in high school. Now I get to be that guy. I’m moving somewhere that I’ve wanted to live in for a while, I’m making plans to do smth I’ve desperately wanted to do for longer, and I feel more creatively charged and mentally well than I have in a long time. I can’t wait to work on all the things I have planned, and I hope you’ll enjoy them.

Thank y’all so much. I want to throw in a B.O.B send off here, but all I can think of is Guarnere’s fucking lizard mouth. Oh well. Ciao, y’all.

[ofcrofts]

『JOE KEERY ❙ CIS MALE』 ⟿ looks like ELVIE CROFT is here for HIS FIRST GRAD year as a LAW student. HE is 23 years old & known to be LOYAL, OPEN-MINDED, SCATTERBRAINED & OBSTREPEROUS. they’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ SAM. 23. EST. SHE/HER.

hey there demons! *ba dum tss* i’m sam and elvie is one of my favorite muses, so i hope you like him too and please feel free to message me if you would like to plot!

i. stats   

𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖑 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊: elvin tupelo croft

𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖘: el, elvie, the ghost guy

𝖍𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖓: salem, massachusetts yes, really

𝖉𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍: october 31, 1996 yes, really

𝖟𝖔𝖉𝖎𝖆𝖈: scorpio

𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓: demisexual

𝖋𝖎𝖊𝖑𝖉 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖙𝖚𝖉𝖞: law

𝖕𝖔𝖘. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: loyal, open - minded, exuberant.

𝖓𝖊𝖌. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: scatterbrained, obstreperous, impulsive.

ii. history

elvin tupelo “elvie” croft was born in salem massachusetts ( yes, really ) on halloween day ( yes, really ). he’s an only child and his dad is the county district attorney while his mom owns a small local business that sells witchcraft supplies such as crystals, herbs, grimiores, etc. fun fact: she’s the descendant of an accused witch, meaning that elvie is as well.

he was five years old when he saw his first horror movie ( an apathetic teenage babysitter let him stay up long past his bedtime to watch nightmare on elm street ) and from that moment on he was hooked.

when he started school, two things about him became apparent: 1) he was highly intelligent and 2) he struggled greatly with tasks such as sitting still and staying focused. he was tested, and it turns out that he has a through the roof genius level iq and he also has adhd, which he was put on a few different medications for until something finally seemed to work for him.

he could have been one of those child prodigies who finished high school at the age of ten and then college at the age of fourteen, but his parents decided that they didn’t want him to miss out on the experience of going through school with people his own age.

as the smartest kid in class with glasses and braces and a strong obsession with all things horror and halloween, he…was picked on. mercilessly.

he didn’t really have friends, but he also didn’t mind. he was perfectly content to go right home after school and spend the rest of the day reading comic books or watching horror movies or researching local urban legends and paranormal stories.

he started his youtube channel when he was a teenager and it was…trash honestly. it was basically buzzfeed unsolved if buzzfeed unsolved consisted of one ( 1 ) dorky teenager yelling at the air in the middle of abandoned house at 3am could be two if his wc gets picked up wink wink, but it turned out that people found it entertaining. his first few videos were flops, but he would soon start amassing subscribers in the hundreds, then thousands, then hundreds of thousands.

so, when he got to his senior year of high school, he was a shoe - in to become the class valedictorian and he was even getting ivy league offers. at the same time, his youtube channel was starting to gain momentum. his parents mainly his father were really pushing him to attend college and elvie, genius level iq and all…didn’t want to go at all. he wanted to focus on his youtube channel, but his dad was absolutely not having it.

he was pre law at harvard while he was an undergrad but when it came time to start law school, he’d had enough of simply doing what his dad wanted and decided to go to radcliffe and he chose to do so solely because he heard it was haunted. he’s even living in noland because he figures that the oldest building = highest likelihood of ghosts.

this is his first year and second semester at radcliffe. he can usually be found not studying, smoking weed, and probably trying to get the campus witch to go out with him.

iii. extras

his name is elvin but basically no one ever calls him that. his own parents don’t even particularly like the name. long story. most people call him elvie and some who are super close to him just call him el.

while he is the “ryan” aka the believer of his youtube series, he’s definitely NOT a scaredy cat like ryan the poor guy. in fact, all his life there’s been this running joke that he doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything, and who knows? maybe he isn’t.

he’s kinda...acing all of his classes without even trying because he’s honestly just that smart but i cannot stress enough that he absolutely does not give a fuck about his classes. he HATES law school. he probably ditches as often as he can, but he doesn’t really push it because y’know attendance points.

he’s literally embarrassed of the fact that he went to harvard so he straight up lies and says that he went to salem state

he has slight Daddy Issues™. slight. when he was born, his dad was hoping that he would get a star athlete kid who would go on to follow in his footsteps and one day become a successful, respectable lawyer but instead he got…elvie. he’s never outright said that he’s disappointed but he didn’t need to. elvie’s a really difficult person to rattle but every time, without fail, he ends a phone call with his dad and he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

he smokes A LOT of weed. like, A LOT OF WEED. like…A LOT of weed. he started off doing it every once in a while as a teenager, and now he’s always high. 99% of people he knows have most likely never seen or interacted with him when he wasn’t high.

he’s obsessed with all things horror, halloween, and 80s. he makes a lot of film references that are often so obscure that most people don’t even catch them.

he’s got jokes. lots of jokes. lots of self - deprecating jokes.

has a really thick boston accent that he doesn’t seem to realize he has.

most people don’t know how smart he really is because he intentionally plays dumb and he’s really good at it. being high all the time and his natural chaotic energy is quite helpful in hiding his intelligence. he just doesn’t like to be seen as smart, so the whole brilliant law student thing? not common knowledge whatsoever.

and yes, he has SO MUCH chaotic energy. he’s the kind of person who will stick a fork in his microwave just to see what would happen out of sheer boredom. he has two pet mexican redknee tarantulas that probably aren’t even allowed on campus named freddy and jason who he just…fucking loses track of every other day. his favorite drink is literally black coffee mixed together with a can of monster energy and 5 ( f i v e ) teaspoons of sugar. he is c h a o s. he has absolutely no impulse control whatsoever.

his car is this PIECE OF JUNK giant turquoise van that he painted to look like the mystery machine

he suffers from chronic nosebleeds that are usually triggered by stress, but he doesn’t get them that often.

he has a HUGE sweet tooth. his favorite food is halloween candy and his favorite candy is black licorice disgusting i know

he takes adderall for his adhd and it’s basically the only thing he’s really consistent and responsible about.

he’s good at…a lot of things because he’s a really fast learner. he can play the guitar, he can draw, he did drama in high school. he just has to watch someone do something once and then he can usually immediately do it himself. this skill doesn’t extend to physical activities such as sports, however. he’s terrible at those.

iv. wanted connections

best friend

friends

cousin ( their grandparents would probably be from boston but otherwise anything really goes for this )

smoking buddies lmao

people who don’t like him / find him annoying

peers he tutors for some extra money

maybe someone who knows how smart he really is

exes, etc.

( these are just ideas and i’m trash at coming up with these, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here. )

[maedhros-nelyafinwe]

This turned out longer than I intended. I’m in a rambling mood and my sleep has been especially shitty for the past month. I don’t sleep the best to begin with, but every so often it just hits the fan and this has been for an extended period and I’m just exhausted.

I finally think I made headway in my sleep research. I keep forgetting to call the psych, who my gp said I should talk to him about it last month lol. Anyways, after doing some research into if it’s just adhd (which can cause insomnia) and doing my own sleep hygiene changes and hitting everything on the checklist for that, I’ve figured out that caffiene did affect me a little (my insomnia isn’t as extreme before, but I’ll test that out tomorrow for sure), it’s not fully the cause. I’m sleeping more so I’ll continue to watch when I have caffiene, but I still have problems falling asleep and staying asleep.

But instead of 3-5 hours of sleep (and a few days, 0 hours), since I cut caffiene I’m back to hitting 5-7 on average. Sooo much better, but still doesn’t address my difficulty falling asleep and general all day tiredness.

Sleep problems have plagued for as long as I can remember. I didn’t realize I had insomnia as a kid until my mom, one night somewhere around 5th or 6th grade, walked in on me reading a book around midnight, despite my bedtime around 8. Even at sleepovers, I was always the last one asleep, if I slept at all. Anyways, Mom came in and asked why I was still up and I was just like “????? reading of course????” 

Then I learned about insomnia. I was also the only middle schooler that (at least admitted to it or said anything about it) who loved taking naps. Naps were wonderful. Still are. I’ve been napping for such a long time.

Anyways. Issues sleeping. Forever. So in middle school, again, I learned meditation before I knew what it was. The ‘super guaranteed trick to make you sleep in 20 mins!’ where you start at your feet, relax the muscles, then move up your body, mentally making your muscles to relax and learning to still my ever racing thoughts in it. It helped for sure. Suddenly I could sleep for more than a few hours (that was adhd helping keep me awake, the racing thoughts and mind). But I was still always tired.

Mornings were (and are) the absolute worst. I never woke up on time, my mom had to come in and force me up. Until I realized that I had to literally throw myself out of bed the second I heard my alarm. Like, I hear it, and chuck the covers off, throw my legs over and stand up, all before I can fully open my eyes or think a single thought. It’s still a struggle to get my thoughts to work. People call my morning self ‘zombie’ me, because its legit like a zombie. My eyes are barely open, i can’t think, it’s all just muscle memory of my morning routine.

I had to learn ways to keep awake during classes, during general school and university (though the latter was easier because i planned classes accordingly. that is, not early at all lol and then I chugged coffee in the afternoon). I started drinking coffee at 12 years old and it helped a little bit for a little while, but then it stopped working and now I’m just left with a caffiene addiction lol

So that’s kind of a history. Minus the common sleep paralysis and constant nightmares (which I’ve learned to fall right back asleep through because they’re common).

I was researching the difference between adhd insomnia and sleep disorder insomnia because I’ve no doubt that was most of my problem growing up and thought maybe its still got me in its clutches despite all my trying.

So, my natural sleep schedule, when there’s no school or work, is fall asleep around 3am and wake up around 10am. When I can stick to that schedule, I actually feel rested afterwards and its easy to fall asleep. I feel the best on that schedule. Because of that, I always worked evening shifts. After high school, I worked took the latest shift, often getting off at midnight. In university, I still managed to get jobs that wouldn’t ask me to do morning shifts, all evening, with the latest letting me off at midnight again. I also tried to plan classes around this, with no classes before 930.

But now, I’m stuck at a normal hours job and it fucking sucks. I wake up at 530 am and go to bed at 830 and its so fucking rough and I’m always tired, stealing naps in my few breaks and a nap at home after school (but it’s never restful because the falling asleep issue). After almost 2 years, it’s fucking awful. Everyone around says I should adjust, or I will adjust because that’s natural, but I’ve never been able to adjust. Never.

Anyways, in my research, something just dropped and I was like ‘fuck, that sounds spot on like me’ and it’s called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder/Syndrome/Whatever. People who have this fall asleep between 1-3am and wake up somewhere around 10-Noon. They cannot adjust to another sleep pattern. So they have trouble falling asleep before that. It’s also like getting woken up in the normal feeling sleep schedule (so like being woken up to the equivalent of midnight or 1am) So they’re tired throughout the day.

This is opposed to people who like the nighttime more than daytime. Those people can switch their sleep schedule after a week or two and feel rested and sleep through the night. But with dspd, it’s fighting a losing battle and that’s cause its a problem with your internal alarm clock completely. It’s just got shifted hours. and it doesn’t want to shift to a normal time.

Anyways, if my continuing with sleep hygiene keeps going with no development on my overall tiredness, I’m likely to go in and talk to psych about that possibility.

for those who are curious, here is a list for sleep hygiene:

7-9 hours of sleep (different sources say different things): Sometimes check.

Go to bed at the same time every night, even weekends (This is also same for when you wake up): check (cause i’m already so tired on the weekends anyways).

Quiet place to sleep: Absolutely check. With Adhd, if there’s any noise, I will not sleep.

Keep bedroom dark and cool: check and check. Again, if there’s light, I will not sleep. I do keep it cool because it helps according to science, tho it doesn’t feel like it.

Your bed is only used for sleep or sex: check and check. I spend no extra in the bedroom except to sleep.

No screens (phones, tvs, etc): check-ish. I have an e-reader but it’s on night mode. so no blue light, very dim lighting, and black background.

Follow a bedtime routine: check. I don’t play video game an hour before, I stay off the computer, and I mindlessly zone out in front of the tv or do mindless apps on my phone, then at 830, i brush my teeth, take some heartburn medicine, go upstairs, and read until i can fall asleep.

Limit daytime naps: check. I ain’t got time to nap.

No caffiene after the afternoon: recently check. I’ll keep this test going to see if its an effect for me.

Exercise: lol no

That’s about what’s the same for every place that mentions sleep hygiene. I do almost every single one of these and still just ugh. Hence why I think it’s more.

I also forgot to mention that with dspd, when given the chance, its a very quick reversion back to the natural sleep wake times, which is also true. I have to be careful not to mess up what progress i have made, though i sincerely want to

[defiantscribe]

The pendulum swings low again

The one thing that I hate the most while I'm sitting alone, late at night, besides being lonely, is that it causes me to over think and get deeper into my head than I really want to.

So, this is odd as I'm typing this on a wireless keyboard from an armchair with the notepad text size being HUGE. regardless of the medium or the means, it's still time for me to type out what's rattling around in my head as it seems to be the only real therapy that works well for me.

Which is funny as I have a therapist appointment in the morning, but talking to a doctor isn't the same as writing here.  sure, she challenges me to think about the things I say and how to process them, but it doesn't keep the pendulum from swinging like it does.  

Normally, I can handle what comes my way and deal with the daily grind with out too much effort, but I only let her know what I want her to know and refrain from letting her delve too deep or truly psychoanalyzing me to death.  I have issues, I have issues that I CHOOSE to not bring to the table as they are things that surely will need to be dealt with, but I'm dealing with them in my own way.  I don't need her help or rather I don't want her input on the situation, so they keep out of the conversation.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still tell her 90% of what's going on, but I have things that just don't need to have outside input.  I know if sounds stupid, it even seems almost counterproductive towards working out everything, but the things I refrain from are deep feelings that I'm unsure of and want to find those answers on my own.

But, changing gear from that, the pendulum. right now I'm in that headspace where I just feel like i'm a robot, that my only function is to serve and it sucks.  I hate when I get like this.  I just feel isolated and alone and I don't reach out because of my trust issues.  I want to reach out, I want to try, but after being spurned so many times, I feel like if I try like I want to, I'll cause the rift that often develops between me and others and I'm SOOOO FUCKING TIRED of not being able to keep people in my life, even if they're not "in my life".

so, instead of trying, I do this.  I type out my thoughts without interruption and listen to strange rock music.  I'm listening to an all girl Japanese band called Bandmaid right now.  Not bad, but yeah.... I just feel like my only purpose in this life is to serve others and forgo my own wants and desires. It sucks.  I know it's not true, but I can't be selfish like that.  I used to and to a certain degree I'm still selfish, but for example, I took 3 days off last week.  did I get to sleep in? Nope, had to take my little one for braces on day 1, had to wake up early to get her to school on day 2 and then had to be up early because I thought my tree people were coming on day 3, but no... they rescheduled and I was awake early on day 4.... then up early on day 5 to go to my folks.... so my entire time off from work was punked by having responsibilities I couldn't ignore or pass the buck on the entire time I took off.

then this week was no real picnic. everyone else was home (one kid sick, wife and other kid are home learning/working) and I got the dubious pleasure of having to go to my job and deal with customers/clients/crabby ass old people.  and of course my time was mostly spent staring off into space, avoiding the work I should be doing because I give zero fucks about my job anymore.  New day, same tired bullshit and more passive aggressive bullshit.  it's all bullshit and the best part of my week had to be from today.

so, had a meeting about being a client manager and what that entails and I think my boss let slip something he didn't intend to.  That something was that they intend to go to a base payrate/commission format.  It's a stupid idea as 1. I'm not a salesman, I have no intention of ever becoming a salesman and 2. the only way this would even work would be that they would lower our current payrate to balance it out.  fuck that, fuck you, you think I'm going to bust my ass twice as hard to make the same pay I make now?  not even fucking close, bud.  I'm already sick of this job and the bullshit that comes with it and now you want me to potentially take a pay cut so you can make it look like we've doubled our profits to satisfy the assholes that bought your company out?

I'd have rather had you close the doors two years ago when you were struggling than see this corporate selling out.  and the guise that you were trying to give us better opportunities was a lie you were fed, you knew you were fed and tried to sell us.  

regardless, i'm going to start looking for something else to do.  Not the brightest move at 40, but, I can't keep doing what I'm doing now.  I'm miserable as fuck and it's my own doing.  It's time I start listening to what I preach to others.  I love the birthday massacre, but this song is SHIT, need to change it.

holy shit, this next song is no better.  rock rap with a sad 90s sound, sorry.... not an edgy teen anymore, just a bitter old man these days. Lord almighty, these edgelords in this video.

sorry, the ADHD kicked in there.  pretty sure I have some form of that, amongst the rest of the bullshit I got going on in my life.

this was intended to be some sort of outlet, but apparently even this requires some level of commitment that I'm not even willing to stick out longer than a song playing on a playlist.

I'm suppose to be getting put on new medication soon, hopefully they give me a time frame on this because I'm super fucking tired of feeling like I'd rather be dead so that I don't feel guilty about leaving shit to everyone else around me.  I discovered that like 3 weeks ago.  when I say "I wanna die", it's not because I actually want to die, it's that I want to be free of all obligations without guilt and "being dead" literally grants that.

I should wrap this up as I'm just going from one side of the room to the other with my thoughts and it's getting mildly manifesto-ish.  If you read, thanks, if you didn't, thanks too?  I just hope this helps someone out there know that the thoughts they have are not as outlandish as they think they might be.

[empresspilaf-blog]

these are actually hella fucking cute y’all

I’m answering all of these because as previously stated I have a real thing for filling stuff out. I like being asked questions it’s fun, keeps my brain workin’ :D

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More milk. And I never drink it at the end. I can’t, I’ll get sick. I can’t drink milk, and if I have cereal too often I’ll get sick. But it’s just not right if there isn’t lots of milk D’: 2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? NOOOOOOOOOOO DDDDD: 3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Anything? I think there’s a Mythology book around here somewhere with a peanut M&M’s wrapper in it.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I don’t put anything in tea, and I’ll drink black coffee, but sometimes I put creamer in it. If it’s available. I like peppermint mocha best yum :D

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Nope! I think it’s pretty nice, actually. It’s one ofthe few things I actually like about myself lol. I hate my body and my acne but I think my nose, eyes, and smile are decent. I had braces so my teeth are straight. I didn’t wear my top retainer though so there’s a small gap, but it doesn’t bother me. Except when I eat apples. The skin always gets stuck >:( My teeth could be whiter, and they’re small and square looking, but I think my smile is alright.

6: do you keep plants? No, but I want to. I just can’t keep up with that stuff. And my room faces a very shaded yard so sunlight really doesn’t come in. 

7: do you name your plants? I totally would! 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I prefer to draw with pencil/colored pencil, charcoal, and I’m trying to use inking pens. I suck at painting lol. I did just get a tablet, though, and Autodesk Sketchbook. So that’s been fun to play with.  9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Oh yeah. I would love to be able to sing really well. So far I can do a decent Marilyn Monroe impression lol. My favorite thing to sing along to is No Doubt. I love Gwen’s voice. It’s a good exercise too, all the vibrato and crazy patterns she does. I also like to sing Heart, too. My boyfriend says I sound pretty good, but I still won’t let anyone else hear me lol. Even though he’s a musician and probably knows what he’s talking about, I still don’t think it’s that great haha 10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Yes.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Hmm I can’t think of any that don’t require a long explanation lol. Well okay, how about this. I didn’t ever really drink until I turned 21 (almost exactly a year ago, January 17!), and then when we’d hag out with friends and I’d get drunk, I’d start going up to people whispering “Hey. I’ve never been drunk before” in their ear lol. Like ever time it happened (which wasn’t all that much, I’m still not a huge drinker). It got to the point that now if I drink, everyone goes “Watch out for Robyn, she’s getting drunk for the first time!” 

12: what’s your favorite planet? Uranus ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  Hehe uhm Jupiter, because it’s full of gas, like me? I’ve honestly never really thought about this. I think Neptune is the prettiest, and I like the idea that humans may be able to live on Mars.  ~Sailor Pluto is my favorite Sailor Scout. :D

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? A mess hahahahahahahahahaaha. She has three cats and I have a dog. We both have depression, anxiety, BPD, OCD, and ADHD. (fun fact, our diagnoses are identical. We both have PTSD as well). But we love doing crafts and not cleaning our rooms, so I imagine there would be glitter, scrap fabric, pencil shavings, and wadded up paper everywhere. Among the pet hair, of course! 15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! 99% of the solar system’s mass is the sun! (shit!) 16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? S P A G H E T T I

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Uhm well I’ve literally had every color lol. But right now, I’m having a lot of trouble getting red to stick to the lengths, it keeps fading to brown immediately. My hair is very damaged so it’s not too cooperative at this point :/

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. Uhm ok so I have IBS pretty bad, right? My friends and I went to Denny’s one night. We came back to one friend’s house, and I needed to fart (Sorry, this is gonna be gross lol). So as my friend Nick was coming up the stairs, I stuck my butt out and farted on his chest area. Only I didn’t fart. I pooped on him. HAHA and now everyone laughs at me because I shit on the bass player! The best part was I ran to the bathroom and I had my boyfriend get my spare undies from the car (gotta have those when you got that Irritable Bowel), and when I went back downstairs, Nick had no idea what had happened lololololol 19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Nopeee 20: what’s your favorite eye color? I mean as far as what I find attractive, brown. Big brown eyes. On guys and girls. But especially guys. Girls with light eyes can still be cute but I think dark eyed men are just the best <3 That’s not to say there aren’t also some attractive men with light eyes (points to Bradley Cooper, Chris Hemsworth, Conrad Veidt, J o n a t h a n  J o e s t a r). 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. My smiley backpack! I just started really using it about a year ago, but I got it when I was like 3. so it’s around 19 years old. I actually just ripped one of the straps out partially last night, and I gotta sew it (thanks for the reminder!). It’s about a foot in diameter, and it’s just a giant yellow circle with a simple black smile and eyes and two straps. 22: are you a morning person? If by morning person you mean I stay up all night and am awake still when morning comes. Though I was up from Thursday evening to last night with no sleep, so I slept all last night and have been up since 6:30 this morning. 23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Well since I’m pathetic and I don’t have a job and the Kent State University won’t let me have Financial Aid (due to dropping my classes last semester because of HEALTH ISSUES, wtf), every day is like that. I hate it, actually. I do nothing but sleep. I stare at my computer for hours, scroll tumblr and Facebook, get out drawing supplies and then stare at the paper and cry, lay in bed and cry, cry and cry ;u; 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? My boyfriend, Mr. Alexander Tortorella. He’s been one of my best friends since 2010, and my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. Also my two closest friends, Taylor, who I’ve been best buds with for over ten years (we even got tattoos together) and my friend Ryanne who I mentioned before (the one with all the problems like me lol). 25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? No where, I’ve never broken into anyplace. Other than my car once because I locked the keys in it lol. 26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I actually have these flat slip on clogs that have like a brown sweater fabric that I got in 2006. I wear them pretty much all fall/winter if I’m just running to the store or to someone’s house. If there’s no snow, of course lol. I also have Converse I got in 2007 that have the British flag on them, and The Who’s logo on the tongue. there’s smiley faces drawn on the rubber at the toe, and along the side banding one one of them are lyrics to “What a Catch Donnie” by Fall Out Boy.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? I love regular bubblegum’s taste but it doesn’t last long enough to bother. 28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset 29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Uhh…? My friends aren’t really “cute” people hahahahaha. I mean Taylor has called me “Bobert” for years and that’s funny lol 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yeah this one time when I was little I floated too far on a raft in Lake Erie and thought I was gonna end up in dying lol. I mean compared to other things that have happened in my life that really isn’t anything too bad, but the fear I felt at the time was so immense. 31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love socks! Cool socks. I’ve got Marvel hero socks, whale socks, Star Wars socks, Sailor Moon socks, Winnie the Pooh sicks, sailboat socks, and funky pattern socks. I hate sleeping in socks though. I also have a collection of black dress socks from marching band haha 32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I got naked and chased a friend down the street when I was 17. That was my one experience being drunk before I was 21 lol 33: what’s your fave pastry? Friggin Oreo Poptarts. They count. 34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Little Pooh! And Big Pooh! I have a like 2 and a half foot sitting Pooh Bear and a small one. I dragged them both everywhere when I was little. I still slept with the small one until I was like 16. But it’s so worn and falling apart, I needed to switch to a larger version to cuddle lol. Now I just kinda cuddle whatever teddy bear or stuffed animal I grab haha 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Yes, but I don’t really have them. I do have some super cool Norman Rockwell notecards. And I have rainbow pens I use to color coordinate notes. I’’l freaking rip a page out and re-write everything if i mess up. 36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Well I’m currently listening to “Fly” by Sugar Ray and I’d say that’s doin’ it pretty well :D 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Yeah so have you seen a tornado’s aftermath? 38: tell us about your pet peeves! People who chew their nails (Glares at Alex, even though he’s not here). Girls who talk all hood, and act dumb for attention, then get offended when you don’t take them seriously.  39: what color do you wear the most? Black lol 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I wear a ring everyday, I only take it off to shower. Alex has one too. They’re silver bands, and they have the coordinates to our high school engraved in them (that’s where we met). One has the latitude, one the longitude. Inside mine it says “Alex”, his says “Robyn”. 41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? White Oleander by Janet Fitch. 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I just like Starbucks. I’m a white girl. Sue me. 43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Alex 44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? əʇndɯoɔ ʇou səop 45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Oh, no. I overthink everything 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I can’t just do this on the spot!!! The other day a friend asked if I was going into the medical field, because I was really nursing my beer lol 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? BEANS. All beans. Fuck beans. 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Yep, spiders. 49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? The last CD I bought I think was Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance. I’ve had every word of it memorized for like 10 years, but I never actually owned a hard copy. The last record I bought was probably Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin. *note; as I was moving on to the next question, the song “Houses of the Holy” came on my iTunes o.O (though let it be noted as well that the song “Houses of the Holy” is actually on the album “Physical Graffiti). 50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Souls. And old empty bottles. Like empty pop bottles. Not so much anymore, but I have a ton of them in my room that I use as decoration 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Pretty much anything from Def Leppard’s Pyromania or Van Halen’s 1984 reminds me of my dad because those are his favorite albums (and 2 of mine) 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? I mean the salt guy is funny? I’ve really been slacking in the dank meme area lately. I am truly ashamed. 53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I have only seen Beetlejuice of those (I knowwww), and I like it, but the heavy late 80′s asthetic creeps me out a bit. Not the stuff that’s supposed to be creepy, but all the black and white checkerboard and stripes, bright colors, and things like that lol 54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My dog, because I wouldn’t let her have her bone back (it was bed time!) 55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? We don’t need to discuss that. Once again; I have BPD. That should tell you plenty. 56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Not being an asshole. That’s about it. 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I mean I do sometimes, other times I just listen and enjoy it. My friend Nick did a project for school (he’s a music production major) where he mixed the original tracks differently, and he made the bass and snare more prevalent and now the original sounds empty to me hahaha 58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Lol what??? I mean I drink wine more than anything, but I probably drink more vodka than anyone else too lol. Most of them just smoke that reefer to be honest. Alex and I don’t, he doesn’t drink either. And I rarely drink vodka. But no one else ever does lol 59: what’s your favorite myth? The brown sound lol. The idea that there is a decibel so low that if you hear it, you’ll poop yourself! They proved it to be false on Mythbusters, though. 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I used to write poetry a lot. I actually was published in a national anthology of selected student poets in 9th grade. I have trouble being creative anymore, though. I like Thoreau and Walt Whitman. We studied them in 11th grade. 61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I’ve never really given a gag gift. Though one time I wrapped a robe I got my sister in a series of boxes and duct tape just to mess with her :D I wouldn’t say I’ve ever received anything “stupid”. 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Nope. I like apple juice, though. Orange juice makes me sick. Acid reflux issues. 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? OOOOHHHHHH Gotta be in alphabetical order. Though currently my books are strewn across my floor, mixed in with clothes, my Sailor Moon VHS collection, shoes, makeup, blah blah blah 64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Really light grey. Ohio is bland and gross. 65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My friend Taylor. she doesn’t live very close so I don’t ever see her anymore :’( 66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? I have a few I made over the summer. My favorite is just a bunch of daisies. I love daisies <3 67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Lol indifferent. That’s what today looks like, and pretty much everyday around here. 68: what’s winter like where you live? Well when I was younger, it was snowy and bright and fun. Now it barely snows, and it’s always gloomy and muddy and gross. My basement flooded a couple days ago because it rained so hard.  69: what are your favorite board games? MONOPOLYYYY. I got a Dogopoly for Christmas hehe. I like Sorry and Clue a lot too. 70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Green tea, and the youthberry/ wild orangeblosson tea from Teavanna 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yeah pretty much. And I still always tell myself I won’t forget shit, and then I do. 73: what are some of your worst habits? Smoking cigarettes, sleeping too much, drinking pop instead of water, picking my nose lol. I’m twitchy and fidgety but that’s just the OCD and ADHD. 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Uhhhhhhhhh “Big fat faggot”. (that’s actually how he would describe himself, he likes going up to people and saying “I’m REALLY gay”) 75: tell us about your pets! I have my darling baby Mae Mae, she’s around 9(??) she’a a black mutt that looks like a bear/wolf lol. I got her from the Humane Society. Then there’s Bellatrix, who my mom got from the HS. She’s a brindle boxer, almost 4 years old. We have a 7 month old kitten named Hosta. My mom found her in the hosta bushes outside this summer, so we named her after the flowers lol. We also have a guinea pig, of my sister’s, named Alfie. He’s about 2? 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? I could use a shower. 77: pink or yellow lemonade? Pink <3

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I thought they were cute in Despicable Me, but it’s gotten way out of hand. 79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Alex once bought me ice cream and flowers and made a sign that said “sorry for being a douche”. I don’t even remember what he did wrong, it was cute :3 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Well a few months before we moved in, I painted them purple. Then I decided that was boring like a couple weeks before we moved, and I got tihs cool 70s-looking (or even 30s really) floral wallpaper with like gold and pewter flowers and I put it on two walls. I painted the one wall orange, the tiny bit around the closet sage green, and the area around the door with chalkboard paint. Then I got mad one day about a year later and went and bought light green and covered the orange. I still don’t really know why lol. 81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Dude what? I don’t stare at anyone’s eyes?  82: are/were you good in school? HAHAHAHHA. I got suspended for mooning someone. That’s all you need to know. 83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Queen’s News of the World has a sweet cover. Def Leppard’s High N’ Dry, Smashing Pumpkins’ Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker” single, of course. Green Day’s Dookie, Dio’s Holy Diver. There are aa TON but you know. I’m getting sick of typing lol 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I’m planning on getting a lot lol. Currently a Ginger Rogers close-up on my forearm. I have a Pooh sketch on my side, “You’re braver than you believe” (Pooh quote) written in my friend’s handwriting on my right shoulder, and “There’s still time to change the road you’re on” on my right foot (”Stairways to Heaven” lyrics). 85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Yes, Marvel, Infinity Gauntlet is my favorite. (not including manga because I’m ready to be done with this lol) 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Yeah, they’re cool! Currently I’ve been listening to To Pimp a Butterfly a lot, actually. 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Star Wars (original 3), Back to the Future, A Clockwork Orange, Metropolis 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? A R T  D E C O, art nouveau 89: are you close to your parents? My mother. I don’t talk to my father much. He was abusive to me, he’s an alcoholic. 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I don’t really have any? I don’t live cities very much. 91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I’m going to North Carolina for a wedding, that’s about all I can think of. Probably going camping. 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? CHEESE ME BABY 93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Well I’m mostly just at home doing nothing so it’s just kinda down and pushed back out of my face. But when I go somewhere it’s usually something pinup-y or 2 buns on top of my head. 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Taylor’s was December 29. But mine is Tuesday! :DDD 95: what are your plans for this weekend? Alex has a show tonight, so there’s that. 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? ”Remind me tomorrow” 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Don’t know, I’ve never taken one of those tests. I’ve started to, but I can’t really answer the questions right. My answer can go either way, my mood is always changing. I don’t believe it’s easy to pin down a BPD patient’s type. I’m a Capricorn, and I’m not really into Harry Potter. My IQ is pretty high though, lol. I’m proud of that. It’s the one thing I have haha. 98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I don’t remember, but I know I whined the entire time because I’m out of shape lol 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Uhhhh. My brain isn’t functioning at a very deep emotional level right now lol I can’t think of any? I guess “Blown Away” by Carrie Underwood, it reminds me of my father.  100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Neither. I don’t want to change the way things are now. Sure, I’d love to tell myself “Don’t gain twice your body weight” and “don’t drop our of high school or college” but like, Butterfly Effect. I know somehow that would make it so I never reconnect with Alex, or I end up dating someone I wasn’t happy with, or what if somehow I got in a car wreck and died as a result of something stupid? And I don’t want to see the future. What happens happens and I don’t want to live in anticipation.

Feel free to talk to me about any of this stuff! I welcome friends, I’m lonely haha