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aettuddae · 4 days ago

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HONEYCOMB — chapter 1.

— summer, 2004.

꩜ synopsis: the lavier-choi's, a french-korean family from seoul's elite that runs an electric vehicle production business, has been preparing to face a looming economic crisis that could crumble their empire, and it all takes a turn for the worse when, unexpectedly, their patriarch, who headed the company, suddenly passes away. at the news and her mother's desperate call, albany, the eldest daughter, is forced to abandon her life in paris representing france as a professional fencer and return to her homeland to face her mom's old-fashioned whims in order to help the family. amidst all the frenzy, the only positive thing she finds is that, after years, she will be reunited with her siblings and all the friends she grew up with, especially the yu family from across the street.

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there are certain things that, as time goes by, you stop questioning. after your twenty-somethings it doesn't really matter what your favorite color is, or that kind of trivia you learn to ask as a child to start a conversation, there are different things to worry about, serious, adult things, like how you position yourself politically or whether you have a place of your own to live and grow old in, or what names you have in mind for your children. it's because of this abrupt reality in which she lived that the question of what her favorite season was hadn't come up in albany's head for years.

if she had to devote any of her time to that dilemma, perhaps now, at 28, she would choose fall. summer in paris was chaotic and as the years went by it seemed to get hotter and hotter, meanwhile winter was gray and depressing. fall was fine, damp at times, but still quiet and cozy at the end.

what she could be sure of was that as a kid she told everyone how much she loved summer.

in all honesty, everyone she knew in her hometown hated summer in korea. it has all the hallmarks of the worst summers you can think of, but albany used to love it.

when the vacations started, her parents would take them to spend it at the family villa in namyangju, it had been one of the many traditions they had for as long as she could remember.

two years before minho was born, the choi parents had bought this big house in gyeonggi, in the middle of the mountain and close to the river, in order to create memories with their children while they took refuge away from all the noise and frenzy of seoul.

of course, the chaos was still with them, it was just a different kind. as albany began to grow up and become more aware of her surroundings, she began to doubt that her mother as elegant, delicate and whiny as she was would have agreed to spend the wettest time of the year surrounded by nature, water and bugs. each year was accompanied by her squealing and annoyances that her father, an adventurer and lover of anything that required physical prowess, was unaffected by, as he was always on the move, ready to set off to embark on a new activity.

summers in namyangju were not relaxing, they were an annual survival camp.

and albany loved it that way, for most choi children had inherited, to a greater or lesser degree, their father's fearless nature. it was fun, it was exciting, for a moment she felt like one of those forest fauns she loved to read about and not the millionaires' daughter with a monotonous predictable life that she really was.

one of the things she loved most was hiking in the mountains, walks on which she always found fruits. her father had taught her about some that could be eaten and some that couldn't, and then she deciphered the others, as well as plants she learned to identify. she took them back to the house where she gave them to the chef to use, and by watching that lady she learned to replicate those recipes.

time also brought her minjeong, who even with that small body ate what sunwoo wouldn't consume in a week and loved the raspberry pie albany made. the little girl was not a good friend of nature, she tried, but it seemed that the outside world was too rough for her little legs still lacking in strength, so every summer, that her parents spent in the namyangju village of her best friends the choi's, she spent eating the dishes that the blonde-haired french girl had learned to make over the years.

thinking about her family also included thinking about the yu's, her parents' best friends who had such separation anxiety that they bought houses just one street away to spend all their life together. her father, choi junmin, had met yu suwon when they were both in high school and from there their friendship only thrived.

summers were spent with the yu's, christmases were spent with the yu's, the meaningless days of the dullest weeks of the year were spent with the yu's. of course the adults were always busy, but the children had been forced to fraternize to such an extent that they too became accustomed to it.

albany didn't know a life where she didn't cook for minjeong, even when she grew older, every time she returned to paris after a few days back home, she found herself baking raspberry pie with no one to offer it to. she couldn't go that long without making her angry or chatting with her about all the fantastic things they thought inhabited the universe apart from humans.

and then, there was jimin. albany didn't know a life without yu jimin.

her best friend in the whole world, her partner in adventure. the girl who climbed out of her window late at night just to talk until they both fell asleep, who had accompanied her to her first gala and who also went with her when she escaped from it. jimin who was there when her last baby tooth fell out and when she had to help her furnish her apartment when she had just moved to france. who used to accompany her to look for elves and who gave her her first 'spiderwick chronicles' book. in all her important moments, jimin had been there and vice versa, her first crushes, kisses, partners, her academic and personal frustrations, her achievements, albany's first fencing tournament, jimin's CSATs and the moment she found out she had gotten into the college she wanted.

when they started to get along, albany was a little older, always going everywhere with wendy and minho, but she didn't really talk to many other people who understood her impatient need, as an eight-year-old girl, to find a fairy among the flora of namyangju, so for three summers in a row, she kept running around, disappearing into the trees and bushes by herself.

until one day, in late july 2004, she wandered farther than usual from the house, finding herself at the entrance to a grove. albany was choi junmin's daughter, she had no reason to be scared, so with a firm step she headed for the logs, ready to catch this fairy she claimed she had seen a week ago, but who kept running away. the problem was that albany was not minho, so she was not completely junmin. she was also her mother eveline's daughter and she carried some of her fearful, sedentary genes in her, so when she saw a figure in the distance that was shorter than her, hunched over and with big ears, she froze in fear. she didn't dare go to capture it or attack it as her older brother would have done, she just stood static, keeping silent so the being wouldn't notice she was there. she crept away until she shot out of the trees and ran back to her family as fast as when she was playing soccer with the neanderthal she had for a brother.

but she couldn't leave it at that, she had found a strange creature in the foliage, she had to go back to investigate what it was, and if it was an evil entity, she had to make sure it didn't attack her siblings. so every day for a week, little albany went back to the same place, ready to face whatever that thing was, which was always waiting for her in that exact position she found it on. but she would freeze, couldn't get close, and ended up returning terrified and frustrated to the house.

one afternoon, now in early august, she returned to the grove. it was the same scenario that had been repeating itself lately, and the same reaction on her part. try as she might, she couldn't get her body to move in the direction of the critter that was standing there. disappointed in herself again, albany turned on her heels ready to go back to where everyone was. she was no longer running from fear, yes, she was still scared, but now she was just walking back crestfallen, berating herself for not being able to face the forest monster. but she couldn't run away that day.

"why you always come here?" a high pitched voice made her jump in place in surprise, followed by a terror running down her spine at the thought that perhaps the creature had heard the girl or her outrage.

"what are you doing here, jimin?" the older girl asked altered, rushing towards the newcomer to get her away from what she thought was dangerous.

"i followed you." she confessed, wriggling out of the blonde's grip and taking a few steps towards where her gaze used to be fixed, in seconds reaching much farther than choi ever had.

"viens ici!" —come here —. she whisper-shouted, rushing over to pull her away.

"what you do here?" the little girl spoke in vaguely understandable words. she had always been intelligent for her age, but she was missing a few teeth, making it difficult for her to enunciate.

"jimin, you can't be here." she took her arm and tried to walk in the opposite direction, but she got away easily.

"are you doing something bad?" an excited giggle accompanied her assumption, she wanted to be a part of it.

"no." she folded her arms. "it's dangerous."

jimin's eyes suddenly expanded and her posture shifted to a rigid one, her pupils probed the area for the threat. she brought her gaze upward, to albany's face, who because of the age difference was quite a bit taller, she looked uneasy. "what happens?" she muttered.

the older one just raised her arm and with her finger pointed to the figure that hadn't moved all week, leading the blackhaired's attention to it, who after analyzing it for a moment squinting her eyes trying to make sense of it, just said with a discouraging tone, "that short thing?"

"how dare you?" albany reproached in agitation. "it's small because it's a gremlin." she reported in a very low tone.

"what?"

"a gremlin." she repeated in the same volume.

"kremin." she tried to echo.

"gremlin."

"kemin." she failed again.

"nevermind." she dismissed. "they're little creatures that make mischief." she explained, holding the subsequent silence for a moment to look up and down at the eldest of the yu sisters. "just like you." she joked, causing jimin to squeal in annoyance and start hiting her shoulder. "se calmer, calm down!" she took advantage of the girl's closeness after her tantrum to tug at her clothes and hide behind a trunk with her. "it might hear us." she warned.

"you're bigger." observed the younger girl.

"and?"

"you can step on it." she assured.

albany contemplated it for a second, but her foot wasn't big nor her leg strong enough, so she shook her head. "i can't." she looked down in defeat. "gremlins are mean." she explained.

jimin turned to look at the taller one, crossed her arms resting her elbow on top of the other and bringing her fingers to her chin to hold it between her thumb and forefinger while emitting a steady 'mmm' sound that indicated she was thinking. "you and i." she pointed to the opposite and then to herself. "there are two of us and he is one."

"what about that?" replied choi confused.

"it can't beat us." assured the girl hurrying to walk in the direction of the creature, sure that albany was coming behind.

jimin walked with confident steps as her eyes scanned the ground for something, while the older one followed closely behind, her body bent over as if she wanted to use the smaller girl as a shield, anxiously letting out strings of words quickly trying to convince her to stop, but jimin was mischievous, the kind of child you would find hanging from the top of a tree without knowing how she got there, she didn't listen and when something got into her head, she wouldn't stop until she did it.

the older yu bent over to the ground to pick something, straightening up with a long branch held in her small fist and raising it in front of her with a proud smile to show it to albany.

"what's that?" the blonde inquired, still terrified.

"a sword!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"be quiet!" she took quick steps to her to catch her face and cover her mouth with her hand. "that's not a sword." she said softly.

"yes it is." she reiterated when she was allowed to speak and immediately gave albany a gentle whack on the forehead with the stick, pushing her away. "we will kill it with the sword." she reaffirmed.

jimin, again, slipped out of the blonde's grasp and dashed towards the gremlin with her branch ready to finish it off. "jimin, soyez prudents!" —be careful —. albany could be heard chasing after her quickly to stop her, but by the time she was close, jimin had already struck the creature with her so-called sword.

they both stopped suddenly, confused as they saw a large pile of leaves scatter in the air after being hit by the small yu and fall to the ground around the small trunk that seconds before they swore was an evil individual that was going to attack them.

"it's a tree." realized albany in embarrassment, realizing that her gremlin was just the base of a tree with some grasses around it that were tall and wide enough to look like ears, and the leaves that jimin had swept away created a hair-like shape.

"i don't think so!" denied the younger girl in a confident tone and impacted the trunk with the branch again. "yes it is." agreed when nothing happened.

"i got scared for nothing." lamented the blonde, annoyed with herself, and dropped down, sitting on the grass beneath her, an action that jimin copied. "thanks for helping me, though." she added after a few minutes without saying anything.

"it's nothing." she gave her a big smile without many teeth. "i protected you like a knight." she commented confidently.

"you don't look like a knight." she refuted with a laugh. "you're pretty and small." jimin furrowed her eyebrows and gave her a displeased sideways glance, she didn't like being called small. "you're more like a fairy." she corrected.

"then," she thought. "i'll be a fairy who protects you." she nodded her head, confirming her words. "what do you think, abany?" she had trouble pronouncing the letter L, so the name came out funnily.

"it's albany." she emphasized the letter she had missed.

"abany." she tried again.

"no, that's not it."

"bany." she sentenced. "what do you think, bany?"

"fine." she agreed. "you will be my guardian fairy." she put her hand on the top of her head, rubbing it and messing up her hair, but jimin stopped her by tapping her wrist with the branch she used as a sword. "can i borrow your sword?" she asked looking at the object.

"i'll teach you to use it." she smiled sideways.

and ever since that confrontation with a gremlin in the summer vacation of 2004, albany choi has not existed without yu jimin.

(!)

taglist [OPEN] : @cwpiqwon

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seanpultz · 4 months ago

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The Three Stooges in The Haunted Mansion

The Three Stooges approach Gracey Mansion, which resembles the Joel Rathbone mansion, a Gothic Revival Pointed-style villa designed by Alexander Jackson (A.J.) Davis, in the upper Hudson River Valley area of Albany, New York.

Moe: (sternly) Alright, knuckleheads, we're here. This is the place, Gracey Mansion. It's supposed to be haunted!

Larry: (stutters) H-h-haunted, Moe? You don't really think there are… you know… ghosts here, do ya?

Curly: (excitedly) Oooh, ghosts! Can I play with 'em, Moe? Can I, huh? Can I?

Moe: (rolls eyes) Play with them? You'll probably scare 'em away with that mug of yours! Now, let's go in and check it out, before I decide to scare you two for real!

Larry: (nervously) But Moe, what if we get separated? We could get lost in this creepy place!

Moe: (exasperated) Lost? In a mansion? It's not like it's a corn maze, Larry. Now, stick together, and for goodness' sake, try not to break anything.

Curly: (innocently) Like what, Moe?

Moe: (sighs) Like your heads, you ninny! Now, let's go in before the spooks hear your bellyaching!

Entering the queuing area through a pair of ornate gates, The Stooges find themselves in the mansion's nearly-neglected gardens and grounds. The queuing path leads guests past a knocked over birdbath, a black carriage hearse led by an invisible horse, and finally leads into the awning.

Moe: (squinting) What's this mess? It looks like a tornado went through here. Did the ghosts have a yard sale and forget to clean up?

Larry: (swallows hard) I-I don't think it's a good idea to make fun of the ghosts, Moe. They might not like that.

Curly: (laughing nervously) Maybe they had a ghostly hoedown! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: (bonks Curly on the head with his fist) Let's get going before Larry turns into a human popsicle from his own sweat.

As they approached the black carriage hearse, the invisible horse seemed to snort, causing Larry to jump and cling to Moe.

Larry: (whispers) Moe, did you hear that? The horse talked to me!

Moe: (sarcastically) Oh sure, Larry. It's probably just waiting for you to feed it your brain cells. Now, move it!

Curly: (excitedly) Can we take a ride, Moe? It's like a magical pumpkin carriage! Woo-woo-woo!

Moe: (shaking his head) Not now, Curly. First, we need to find out where we're supposed to go. I don't trust you two to not get us lost in a straight line.

The Stooges are greeted at a gate with several busts of a family that once lived in the mansion that killed each other over inheriting a large fortune.

Moe: (nods) Ah, the family that killed each other over money, huh? Nothing spookier than relatives fighting over a few bucks.

Larry: (swallows nervously) Maybe we shouldn't mess with them, Moe. They don't look too happy.

Curly: (laughing) Oh, they're just playing hide and go seek with their heads, Larry! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: (grabs Curly by the nostril using his pinky finger) You're one step away from playing hide and go seek with your own brains.

Embossed musical instruments on a crypt that once touched a haunted tune mysteriously plays.

Moe: (stops in his tracks) What the…? Say, Larry? (Taps Larry's shoulder)

Larry: (Startled) Woah! (accidently pushes Moe into the Embossed musical instruments on a crypt. A trumpet is imprinted on his forehead.) Oh, gee! I'm sorry, Moe. It was an accident. Honest.

Moe: (reassuringly) That's alright. Accidents do happen.

Larry: (swallows hard) They do?

Moe: (puts his arm around Larry's shoulder) Sure they do. (leading Larry to the crypt with the Embossed musical instruments) Now, why don't you come over here and check out this very interesting crypt I just found. Touch one of those instruments and they play. Go head, touch one.

Larry: (sees a violin) Oh! (Touches it and he hears a violin playing) Say, Moe! You're right. I can hear a violin playing.

Moe by this point drops the nice act and kicks Larry in his posterior and Larry's face hit the tomb. Moe grabs Larry by the hair and pounds his face into the crypt repeatedly.

Moe: NOW, YOU'RE HEARING BELLS! (shoves Larry)

Water and bubbles emerge from a crypt belonging to a Captain Culpepper Clyne.

Moe: (pointing to the crypt) Hey, you two, check out Captain Clyne's final bath over here! He must've had a real splashy burial.

Larry: (swiping at his face) Moe, you're just… (his voice trails off as he watches the water) Do you think he's okay in there?

Curly: (excitedly) Can we take a bath, too? It looks like fun.

Moe: (rolls eyes) You'd like that, wouldn't ya? Well, I don't think the ghost of Captain Clyne would appreciate the company. Let's keep moving before we get in too deep with these spooks.

Larry: (nervously) Deep? Like, as in water deep, Moe?

Moe: (exasperated) No, you dolt, trouble deep! Now come on, before we all get soggier than a bowl of alphabet soup.

Words inexplicably appear upon on a tomb belonging to a poetess named Prudence Pock.

Moe: (reads the tomb) "Prudence Pock, the poetess, lost her head in thought and her body to a block." What kind of ghost writes poetry?

Larry: (whispers) Maybe she's trying to tell us something, Moe. Like, we should be careful or we'll end up like her.

Curly: (innocently) Maybe she's asking for a little help with her next rhyme, Larry. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: (To Curly) Pick out two.

Curly: One, Two.

Moe pokes Curly in the eyes with two of his fingers. Curly winces. Larry starts to laugh and Moe slaps him across the face.

They reach the servant's entrance where we enter the mansion.

Curly: (whimpers) Moe, I-I don't wanna go in there. It's dark and… (swallows hard) and spooky!

Moe: (slaps Curly) Snap out of it, Curly! You're not afraid of a little dark, are you?

Curly: (rubbing his cheek) Oh, no, Moe. It's not the dark I'm afraid of… it's the ghosts!

Moe: (twists Curly's ears) Ghosts, schmosts! They're just a bunch of floating sheets with eye holes. Now, get in there before I make your ears look like a pair of pretzels!

Curly: (grumbling) Alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going.

Moe: (turns to Larry) Go in, Larry!

Larry: (defiant) I'll go in when I'm ready!

Moe: (raises an eyebrow) Are you ready?

Larry: (nonconfrontational) Yeah, I'm ready.

The Stooges enter the elegant-but-spartan foyer as a distant pipe organ plays a dirge-like version of Grim Grinning Ghosts.

Larry: (whispering to Curly) I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

Curly: I thought this was Orlando.

Larry does a double take in response to this.

Following this hallway, we enter a foyer, which features a fireplace to the left side. There is a picture hanging above the fireplace, which shows a handsome, young man (quite possibly the owner of the mansion).

Moe: (examining the portrait) Well, well, well. If it isn't the poster boy for "I've-got-more-money-than-sense" staring back at us. What's his deal, Larry?

Larry: (looks up nervously) I think he's… he's the ghost that haunts the place, Moe.

Curly: (squeaks) A handsome ghost? Maybe he's lonely and wants to play tag!

Moe: (rolls his eyes) Tag? You'd probably trip over your own two feet and end up hugging the floor, you knucklehead. Now, let's keep moving. We've got a mansion to explore before the real party starts.

Larry: (swallows hard) Party? What kind of party are we throwing for ghosts, Moe?

Moe: (pats Larry on the back) A party with a punch, Larry, a surprise!

Larry: (giddy) Punch? Oh, I like punch.

Moe: Oh, you like punch?

Larry: Yeah.

Moe: Well, here come one.

Moe is about to punch Larry in the face when he hears a mysterious voice booming out from the darkness.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): When hinges creak in doorless chambers. When strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls. Whenever candlelights flicker when the air is deathly still… That is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight.

Larry: (squeaks) Moe, did you hear that?

Curly: (nervously) Who's that talking? Moe, is it a ghost?

Moe: (transfixed) I'm not sure, you two. But I think I know where that voice is coming from. (He points to the portrait above the fireplace) Take a look at this!

The portrait, previously depicting a young man, now shows a decaying corpse with a sinister smile, much like the character from the story "The Picture of Dorian Gray."

Curly: (eyes wide) Moe, I don't think he's ready for his close-up anymore. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Larry: (swallows hard) Moe, do you think we should be here? Maybe we're not welcome.

Moe: (snaps out of it) Welcome? Who needs an invitation to a party like this?

Once the picture's transformation is complete, one of the walls opens up next to the picture, revealing an octagonal room.

The Stooges enter this octagonal room from the Foyer. Four paintings (A bearded gentleman holding a document, A pretty young lady holding a parasol, An old woman holding a rose and A man in a bowler hat) flanked by candle-wielding gargoyles, hang from the walls in this chamber.

Moe: (looks around the octagonal room) Well, if this isn't the VIP lounge for spooks, I don't know what is. Look at all these fancy paintings.

Curly: (points to the pretty young lady) Moe, she's waving at me! (The painting's eyes seem to follow him as he walks)

Moe: (rolls eyes) Sure, Curly, she's probably just waving goodbye to your sanity. Now, keep it together. We don't want to scare off the ghosts before the grand tour.

Larry: (swallows hard) Maybe we should be more respectful, Moe. They might not like us poking around.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Mansion. I am your host, your Ghost Host. Our tour begins here in this gallery. Here, where you see paintings of some of our guests as they appeared in their corruptible, mortal state. Kindly step all the way in please, and make room for everyone. There’s no turning back now.

The doors The Stooges enter slam shut, The room begins to stretch upwards, the paintings on the walls elongating with it to reveal a comically gruesome end for each subject: The bearded gentleman holding a document is revealed to be wearing only his undergarments from the waist down and standing atop a lit keg of dynamite. The pretty young lady holding a parasol is revealed to be balancing on a fraying tightrope above the gaping jaws of an alligator. The old woman holding a rose is revealed to be sitting atop a tall gravestone, at the bottom of which is a stone bust of her husband George with a hatchet embedded in his head. The man in a bowler hat is revealed to be sitting on the shoulders of another man who sits on the shoulders of a third man who is waist deep in quicksand.

Moe: (sarcastically) Well, isn't this a real home makeover, "Ghost Edition"? Who knew dead people had such a flair for dramatic interior design?

Curly: (gulps) Moe, do you think we should be laughing?

Moe: (snaps fingers in Curly's face) Snap out of it! These ghosts are just trying to mess with us. Let's show 'em who's boss! (He struts over to the man standing on the shoulders in quicksand) Hey, buddy! Quit playing king of the hill with your ghostly pals and tell us where the real fun is!

Curly: (points to the portrait of the young lady) Moe, look at her! She's juggling dynamite and playing hopscotch with alligators!

Larry: (stutters) And that old woman… she's got more drama in her portrait than a soap opera! What's with the hatchet in George's head?

Moe: (laughing) George looks like he had a rough night. Maybe he forgot to put the toilet seat down. (Pauses) You know what? Let's get a closer look. Maybe we'll find their secret for staying so… lively.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this haunted room actually stretching? Or is it your imagination — hmm?

Larry: Moe, I don't like where this is going!

Moe: What do you mean, "where this is going"? We're already in a haunted mansion, where else could it go?

The Ghost Host (offscreen): And consider this dismaying observation, This chamber has no windows and no doors… which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!"

The Ghost Host laughs as The Stooges focus on the ceiling.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Of course, there's always my way.

The lights go out and lightning flashes above. The ceiling vanishes and gives a view of the mansion's cupola, where the skeletal corpse of the Ghost Host sways from a noose tied to the rafters.

Moe: Nyeeeeeeeah!

After a few seconds, the room becomes pitch black and a dreadful scream is heard making Larry and Curly scream too, followed by the sound of bones shattering. Just as suddenly as it had begun, the horror ended, and the lights flickered back on. They blinked in the sudden brightness, their eyes adjusting to find that the skeletal corpse was gone, and in its place, a wall had slid open, revealing a hidden passage.

Moe still tweaked by what he saw, suddenly realize that Larry and Curly are clinging on to Moe in a bear hug of terror. With a huff of annoyance, he released them, causing both Stooges to fall on the floor.

Moe: Would you two quit acting like a couple of scared rabbits?

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Oh, I didn’t mean to frighten you prematurely. The real chills come later. Now, as they say, ‘look alive,’ and we’ll continue our little tour. And let’s all stay together, please.

Moe: (calling out to the unseen Ghost Host) Why, you spooky skeleton. If I ever find you, I'll tear your tonsils out and use'em as earmuffs.

Larry: I think he's already dead, Moe.

Moe (turns to Larry) Shut up! (Slaps Larry across the face. He then turns to Curly and slaps him across the face too)

Curly: (wincing from the pain) What was that for?!

Moe: That was for what you were thinking!

Curly: I wasn't thinking of anything.

Moe: Good, Let keep it that way!

They continue onward down a long hallway, leading to a short queue that is used to board the Doom Buggies.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "And now, a carriage approaches to carry you into the boundless realm of the supernatural. Once on board, remain safely seated with your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside. And watch your children, please."

Moe: (grumbling) Great, we're riding in a ghost-mobile. How original.

Larry: (swallows hard) Do you think it's safe, Moe? It's all rickety and everything.

Curly: (clapping) It's like a roller coaster, but with dead people! Woo-woo-woo!

Moe: (rolls eyes) Just sit down and keep your arms and legs inside. We wouldn't want to lose you to the afterlife before the fun starts, Curly.

They all clamber into the Doom Buggy, Larry and Curly squeezed together on one side, Moe sitting comfortably in the middle with an arm on the back of each of their seats.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Do not pull down on the safety bar, please. I will lower it for you. And heed this warning: the spirits will materialize only if you remain quietly seated at all times.

The safety bar is lowered Locking Larry, Moe and Curly into their respective Doom Buggy.

The Doom Buggy enters a rather steep stairwell and pass under a landing where a floating candelabra floats in the darkness.

Moe: (grabbing the safety bar) Whoa, this is more action than I get on a merry-go-round with a sticky horse!

Larry: (whispers) Moe, I don't think we're in the kiddie ride anymore.

Curly: (gulps) And what's with those paintings? They're changing!

Moe: (laughing) Changing? That's just a trick of the light.

As they glide through the hallway, the paintings transform with each flash of lightning. The woman becomes a snarling tiger, the sloop is engulfed by a terrifying storm, the knight's flesh falls away to reveal a skeletal figure, and the serene Greek scene morphs into a haunting Medusa, turning any who dare gaze upon her to stone.

Curly: (eyes wide) Moe, I think they're trying to tell us something.

Moe: (skeptical) Yeah? Like don't mess with their home decor?

Larry: (stutters nervously) M-M-Moe, maybe we should get out of here. These ghosts are getting a little too… too…

Moe: Too what, Larry? Too real for ya?

Larry: (swallows hard) Y-y-yes, Moe. Too real.

Moe: (chuckles) Relax, you wimps. It's all just smoke and mirrors. Now, keep your eyes peeled for any real fun. This is the Haunted Mansion, after all.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Oh yes, and no flash pictures, please. We spirits are frightfully sensitive to bright lights.

Leaving the hallway, we enter into a rectangular library, which is filled from floor-to-ceiling by shelves lined with hundreds of books. Phantom hands pull books from the shelves. An empty chair rocks gently back and forth, and a ladder slides to and fro as an unseen force searches for a good read. Among the shelves, marble busts glare at The Stooges as they move along in the gloom.

Moe: (whispers) Look at all these books! Maybe we can borrow one to teach you two how to think.

Larry: (swallows hard) Moe, I think those books are… occupied.

Curly: (laughing nervously) Maybe they're looking for a ghost story that doesn't have us in it!

Moe: (noticing Larry's distress) What's got you all riled up, Larry? You're sweating more than a snowman in July.

Larry: (swallows hard) The marble heads, Moe! They're following us!

Curly: (excitedly) Can we play tag with 'em? Maybe they're just lonely.

Moe: (rolls eyes) Lonely? They're not lonely, Larry, they're just watching us for the fun of it. Besides, they can't catch us in this thing. (Pats the Doom Buggy) We're on a ghost-proof ride.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Our library is well stocked with priceless first editions, only ghost stories, of course, and marble busts of the greatest ghost writers the literary world has ever known.

Leaving the library, we enter the Music Room. In the room, our heroes find an invisible ghost playing a Rachmaninoff-style arrangement of Grim Grinning Ghosts on the piano. The ghost's shadow can be seen cast upon the floor, while a storm brews outside.

Moe: (listening to the haunting music) Hey, Larry, can you play the piano like that when you're not even there?

Larry: (swallows hard) Moe, that's not funny. I think we should get out of here before the ghosts get… ghosty.

Curly: (clapping along) Bravo! Encore! (He accidentally hits Moe's hand, causing Moe to yelp in pain)

Moe: Knock it off, Knucklehead!

The Ghost Host (offscreen): They have all retired here, to the Haunted Mansion. Actually, we have 999 happy haunts here. But there’s room for 1,000. Any volunteers?

Moe: (grinning) You know what that means, don't ya?

Larry: (swallows hard) N-n-no, Moe, what does it mean?

Moe: (chuckles) It means we're the newest members of the ghostly neighborhood watch!

Curly: (laughs) Oooh, we're ghostbusters now!

Next, we enter the main stairwell of the Mansion. Here in this M.C. Escher-like void the stairs go right-side up, upside-down, sideways, slantways, longways, back ways, front ways, square ways, and any other ways that you can think of. It is on these steps we see the ectoplasmic footprints of the Mansion's ghostly residents.

Moe: (looks around, bewildered) What kind of architect was on a hallucinogen when they designed this place?

Larry: (nervous) Moe, I don't think we're supposed to walk on these stairs. They're… they're floating!

Moe: (irritated) We're in a Doom Buggy, Of course were not supposed to walk on those stairs, nitwit!

Curly: (bounces in his seat) Can we slide down the banister, Moe? It looks like a ghostly rollercoaster!

Moe: (rolls eyes) If you two don't stop acting like you've never seen stairs before, I'll show you how to float like a ghost with a good smack upside the head. Now, keep it together. We're just getting started.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Well, if you should decide to join us, final arrangements may be made at the end of the tour. A charming "ghostess" will be on hand to take your application.

In the blackness, glowing, blinking eyes transform into the pattern on the wallpaper.

Moe: (swatting at the wallpaper) Quit playing games with us, you wall-eyed wallpaper!

Larry: (stutters) Moe, I think those are just… decorations.

Curly: (squinting) Moe, maybe the ghosts are playing peek-a-boo.

Moe: (sarcastically) Peek-a-boo, huh? That's original.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): We find it delightfully unlivable here in this ghostly retreat. Every room has wall-to-wall creeps, and hot and cold running chills.

They pass a second floor passageway that seems to go on forever, lined with doors. A lone candelabra floats in midair halfway down it. Flanking the hallway entrance are a subtly-moving Suit of Armour and an armchair designed to have a "face."

Moe: (eyes wide) Now, that's what I call a floating candelabra with style! (swipes at it with his hat) Look at it go, will ya?

Larry: (swallows hard, staring at the Suit of Armor) Moe, do you see that knight? It's… it's moving!

Moe: (rolls eyes) Sure, Larry. It's probably just doing the cha-cha.

Curly: (pointing at the armchair) Moe, look! That chair is smiling at me! And it's got teeth! (Curly screams and ducks under the safety bar.)

Moe: (slaps Larry and Curly) Will you two knock it off? It's just a chair. Now sit up, or I'll make you walk the plank in this ghostly gala.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Shhh, listen!

A keening sounding like a banshee is heard.

Larry: (swallows hard) Moe, what was that noise? It sounded like… a banshee!

Moe: (nervously) A banshee? Oh, that's just the… the… the ghostly AC unit. It's a little out of whack, that's all.

Curly: (shaking) Moe, I don't think it's supposed to sound like that.

They ride past an alcove-like conservatory, the space choked with decaying and overgrown plants and vegetation. Outside the huge glass walls is a misty landscape, with only the gnarled limbs of leafless trees visible in the gloom.

Moe: (swallows hard, trying to keep his cool) Alright, you two, we're just passing through some fancy ghost's jungle gym. Nothing to worry about.

Larry: (sweating) Moe, I think we've got company.

Curly: (whispers) What's that, Larry? A ghostly petting zoo? Can we feed 'em ghost peanuts?

A raven perches on top of a stand with a withered funeral wreath, and in the center of the chamber is a coffin whose occupant is trying to get out - skeletal hands attempt to push the lid open saying "Let me out! Let me outta here!", which based on the nails sticking through the wood was meant to stay sealed.

Moe: (swallows hard) Larry, what do you think is in that coffin?

Larry: (stutters) I-I dunno, Moe. But it sounds like someone's not having a good time.

Curly: (peeks over the side of the Doom Buggy) Maybe it's just a ghost playing hide and seek with us! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: (swipes at Larry and Curly) Keep your heads in here, you two. And remember, no feeding the dead things.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): All our ghosts have been dying to meet you. This one can hardly contain himself. Unfortunately, they all seem to have trouble getting through.

The Stooge's Doom Buggy is then carried backward down an ominous corridor, a series of doors on either side of the car. Growls, screams, maniacal laughter and pleading voices emanate from behind them, as if something is trying to get out. Doors bend, as if they are breathing, knockers clack and rattle, and the walls are adorned with some "family portraits" of corpses.

Moe: (swallows hard) Well, well, well. It seems the ghosts are throwing us a surprise party. How thoughtful.

Larry: (stutters) M-M-Moe, I don't think it's a party. Sounds more like a… a…

Curly: (interrupts) A ghostly hoedown? Can we join in, Larry? I know some spooky dance moves!

Moe: (rolls eyes) Will you two pipe down? It's just the mansion saying hello. (pauses as the doors around them begin to breathe) Okay, maybe it's saying hello in a very creepy way.

At the end of the hall lies a grandfather clock, with its arms spinning wildly backwards and the clock striking 13. A shadow of a clawed hand passes over the face of the clock.

Moe: (swallows hard) Well, look at the time. It's… it's…

Larry: (nervously) It's… 13 o'clock, Moe.

Curly: (innocently) Time for a ghostly tea party? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: (sternly) I'm gonna moida you if you don't shut up!

We next enter the shadowy Séance Circle. The buggies travel in a circle facing a large table and high-backed chair in the center of the room (a raven perches on the back of the chair). Above this table floats a crystal ball containing the spirit of Madame Leota, chanting incantations that summon the spirits to appear.

Madam Leota: "Serpents and spiders, tail of a rat, call in the spirits, wherever they’re at!

Moe: (swallows hard, staring at the floating crystal ball) Well, well, well. It's the ghostly fortune teller. What does she see in her crystal ball, Larry?

Larry: (swallows hard) I-I dunno, Moe. But I don't think it's winning lottery numbers.

Curly: (peers into the crystal ball) Can I see, Moe? Maybe she'll tell me where all my lost marbles are.

Moe: (swipes at Curly) Will you keep your mitts out of there?

Madam Leota: Rap on a table — it’s time to respond. Send us a message from somewhere beyond…Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween, awaken the spirits with your tambourine! Creepies and crawlies, toads in a pond, let there be music from regions beyond! Wizards and witches, wherever you dwell, give us a hint, by ringing a bell!"

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "The happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations and are beginning to materialize. They’re assembling for a swinging wake, and they’ll be expecting me… I’ll see you all a little later."

Next, we travel along a balcony overlooking the hall. A major party is underway as a multitude of transparent spirits engage in all sorts of revelry. A long dining table covered with decayed floral arrangements and dusty silverware plays host to a birthday feast, and whenever the orange-haired birthday ghost blows out the candles on a birthday cake at the head of the table, the other ghosts seated there vanish, only to reappear when the candles light again; nearby, an old woman disappears and reappears in a rocking chair. Several haunts drift into the hall from a hearse parked in a doorway, while cloaked wraith-like phantoms fly in through the broken windows from a stormy night outside. While a number of ghosts - including the notorious Pickwick - gadabout on the chandeliers above the room, a pair of duelists emerge from their respective paintings on the far wall and take shots at each other, forever reenacting their age-old feud. The open floor whirls with waltzing couples as a ghastly organist plays Grim Grinning Ghosts on a pipe organ, where tiny spirits emerge from the pipes.

Moe: (whistles) Would you look at this shindig! They're throwing us a surprise party after all.

Larry: (swallows nervously) Moe, I don't think they're here for us. It's their party, not ours.

Curly: (clapping) Can we join, Moe? I know how to waltz like nobody's business!

Moe: (chuckles) Sure, Curly. Just don't trip over any ghostly toes, or they'll think you're trying to cut in line for the punch bowl. (swipes at a floating hors d'oeuvre) And Larry, don't go sneaking food. They might not take kindly to party crashers.

Larry: (swallows hard) Moe, I'm not here for the food. But look, those duelists! They're shooting at each other!

Moe: (unimpressed) Oh, please. They couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. They've probably been doing this so long they forgot how to miss.

Curly: (laughs nervously) And what about the lady in the rocking chair, Moe? She keeps disappearing!

Moe: (rolls eyes) It's just a ghostly magic trick. She's probably just playing hide and seek with the furniture. Now, let's not interrupt their festivities. We've got a whole mansion to explore.

Leaving the Grand Hall, we ride through a dark, dusty and cluttered attic, where the sound of a beating heart and a sinister piano rendition of "The Wedding March" can be heard. Among the brick-a-brac are several pieces of wedding paraphernalia and decor, and five different marriage paintings, depicting the same bride but with a different groom in each. As guests watch, the heads of each of the grooms disappear, only to reappear moments later.

Larry: (swallows hard) Do you think they're playing hide and seek with their heads?

Curly: (nervously) I don't know, Larry, but it sure looks like it. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! (swipes at one of the floating heads, causing it to disappear and reappear in another painting)

Moe: (swats Curly's hand away) Cut it out, Curly! If you mess with those paintings, you're going to give me a real headache.

Larry: (pointing) Moe, look at the pianist! He's… he's not even touching the piano!

Moe: (rolls eyes) It's a ghost playing, Larry. They've got their own set of rules. Maybe they use ghostly sheet music. Now, keep your paws to yourself and let's keep moving.

After passing the source of the music, a broken-down piano with an invisible pianist (only a shadow of a man cast on the wall and keys), we come face-to-face with the ghost of the bride, Constance Hatchaway.

Constance Hatchaway: In sickness and in… wealth. You may now kiss the bride. We’ll live happily ever after. Till death do us part. Here comes the bride. As long as we both shall live. For better or for… worse. I do. I did.

She laughs while, periodically, a spectral hatchet appears in her hands.

Moe: (quickly) Alright, you two, we're making a break for it! (shoves Larry and Curly towards the window)

Larry: (stutters) But Moe, that's a long way down! And it's… it's… dark outside!

Curly: (nervously) Can we slide down the bannister again? It was so much fun!

Moe: (exasperated) If you don't move, I'll make you fly like a ghost! (pushes them both through the open window)

Following leaving the Attic window, the Doombuggies move down the balcony outside the house and down a flight of stairs backwards. A raven caws at guests from a tree branch. The shapes of rising spirits can be seen everywhere.

Moe: (swallows hard, pushing Larry and Curly) Let's get going before that bird decides to join us for a midnight snack!

Larry: (stutters) S-s-snack? Moe, I don't think it's after us. It's just a bird.

Curly: (laughs nervously) Maybe it's trying to say "hello" in ghost-bird language! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: (rolls eyes) Sure, Larry. Just keep telling yourself that. It's probably practicing for its role in the "Raven's Revenge" play.

They continue moving backwards down the stairs, with the ghostly shapes growing denser as they descend.

Moe: (whispers) And don't trip, you two. We don't need a real-life slapstick show.

Larry: (swallows nervously) I-I'll try not to, Moe.

Curly: (whispers) But what if we do trip? Will we bump into the ghosts?

Moe: (swipes at Curly) Only if they're looking for a good laugh, you ninny. Now, keep it together!

Upon reaching the ground, the graveyard Caretaker can be seen with his dog, the two of them utterly petrified by the sight before them. Music is all around, while playful spooks pop-up from behind their tombstones. To the left, a group of five phantoms play a flute, a horn, a bagpipe, a harp, and pound on a tombstone to create an unearthly vibe. A King and Queen balance on a see-saw while a Duchess swings from a tree branch while she drinks a cup of tea. In the very back a skeletal wolf is seen howling at the moon.

Larry: (whispers) Looks like the ghosts are playing a symphony of spooks!

Moe: (whispers back) More like a garage band from the other side. They're just trying to keep the party alive.

Curly: (excitedly) Maybe they need a drummer! (starts to play on the tombstones with his fingers) Boom, boom, tish!

Moe: (swipes at Curly's hand) Quiet down!

On the other side of the path, five Singing Busts come into view, bearing very vividly lit, expressive faces as they sing:

♪ When the crypt doors creak ♪

♪ And the tombstones quake ♪

♪ Spooks come out for a singing wake ♪

♪ Happy haunts materialize ♪

♪ And begin to vocalize ♪

♪ Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize ♪

♪ Now don't close your eyes ♪

♪ And don't try to hide ♪

♪ Or a silly spook may sit by your side ♪

♪ Shrouded in a daft disguise ♪

♪ They pretend to terrorize ♪

♪ Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize ♪

♪ As the moon climbs high o'er dead oak tree ♪

♪ Spooks arrive for the midnight spree ♪

♪ Creepy creeps with eerie eyes ♪

♪ Start to shriek and harmonize ♪

♪ Grim grinning ghosts come out socialize ♪

♪ When you hear the knell of a requiem bell ♪

♪ Weird glows gleam where spirits dwell ♪

♪ Restles bones etherealize ♪

♪ Rise as spooks of every size ♪

Other ghosts materialize, gathering around a hearse and drinking tea. A Mummy sits in his sarcophagus, trying to make contact with an elderly spirit who is just too deaf to understand him. Two "Phantoms of the Opera" blast their ghostly voices into the night. A Beheaded Knight, his Executioner, and his Prisoner all sing as a trio, while the poor ghost behind them tombs himself up. Our hero's Doom buggy enters the Mausoleum at the end of the Graveyard sequence where they are immediately "greeted" by the Raven who caws at guests while perching on the door to the Mausoleum.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Ah, there you are! And just in time… there’s a little matter I forgot to mention.

Larry (nervous): What's that?

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Beware of Hitchhiking Ghosts!

Moe, Larry and Curly: Hitchhiking Ghosts?!

They pass by three hitchhiking spirits; a Traveler, a Skeleton and a Prisoner.

Doom Buggy passes by a wall of mirrors showing that the Hitchhikers are sitting in the vehicle along with the Stooges.

Larry: (swiveling around, flailing his arms) Moe! Look out! The ghosts are in our doom buggy!

Curly: (swings wildly at the ghosts) I'll get 'em! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: (ducks to avoid Larry's flailing) Will you two knock it off? You're gonna make me drive us into a wall!

Larry: (swats at a ghostly arm) Gotcha!

Moe: (screams as Larry's hand hits him) Hey! What the…? (realizes Larry's mistake) Larry, you dolt! That was my arm, not a ghost!

Curly: (laughs nervously) Whoops! Sorry, Larry. I guess we're all a little jumpy tonight.

Moe: (massaging his arm) You bet we are. Now, keep your hands to yourself unless you want to be the next one to vanish.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "They have selected you to fill our quota, and they’ll haunt you until you return!"

A very small being only around the size of a doll. She wears a white satin dress with a long, non-transparent hood, often mistaken for a veil, of the same material. She has visible long blue hair and glowing pale blue skin. stands atop the ledge of the crypt holding a bouquet of dead flowers. She is Little Leota, the Ghostess.

Little Leota: “Hurry back. Hurry back. Be sure to bring your death certificate, if you decide to join us. Make final arrangements now! We've been dying… to have you…".

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Now I will raise the safety bar, and a ghost will follow you home!"

The safety bar is risen and the Stooges disembarks the Doom Buggy. As they run screaming for the exit, we hear the ghosts sing this following passage:

♪ If you would like to join our jamboree ♪

♪ There's a simple rule that's compulsory ♪

♪ Mortals pay a token fee ♪

♪ Rest in peace, the haunting's free ♪

♪ So hurry back, we would like your company ♪

#The Three Stooges #Moe Howard #Larry Fine #Curly Howard #The Haunted Mansion #Walt Disney World #constance hatchaway #The Hitchhiking Ghosts

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