#Ugh I have to make a few more specialist appointments this year too. What a delight.

[keepingthepeaceinouterspace]

I miss when I was able to get good health insurance that wasn't just stupid

[heathenarmyimagines]

Title: Find Us

Summary: (Y/N)’s sleep study goes horribly wrong.

Pairing: Ivar x Reader

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine

Taglist: @ubbesgirl, @shewolf2000, @tis-itheapplepie, @atequila, @demoncrypt1066, @greennightspider, @badbitsh13, @fireismysaftey, @minarawr, @laketaj24, @hvitserksgirl, @blahblahcookiesdoma, @fabulous-peasent, @sforsammmmmi, @minmiin1d, @courtrae89, @letsloveimagines, @tomarisela, @titty-teetee, @beyond-the-ashes@elenawrit, @mblaqgi, @whenimaunicorn, @chuflisworld, @mystruggledlife, @moose-squirrel-asstiel, @syreni-dea, @trashqueenbitch, @alykatv, @mbaku-babygirl, @perfectus-in-morte, @beyond-the-ashes, @neeadinghugs, @readsalot73, @triumphantreturnofpies, @anarchy-is-coming, @tephi101, @alicedopey, @ivarslittlebadgirl, @jtrstp, @nejijjeoroo, @charlylama, @ivartheblessed, @captstefanbrandt, @fabulouschrissi, @ivarsrideordie, @3x5gurl, @the-writer-appreciation-blog, @lolabee9, @captainfoxy22, @young-ugly-god, @im5ftbutmythroat66, @bribyyy, @irishhiggins, @cadetomlinson, @keclleon101, @slutforragnarssons, @ltkeke, @meeeeeeeeeps, @lille-kanin, @opalscarab, @ssraven7, @ivarandersen, @concretewaywardangel, @funmadnessandbadassvikings, @sharon-is-tired, @cadetomlinson, @mystruggledlife, @chuflisworld, @justmarissa97, @lol-haha-joke, @weirdly-randomly-awesome, @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanim, @idonthavehusbandsihavelovers, @alexa040004, @buckythetinman , @burntmythroatskullingmytea,@jorunnravenslayer, @two-unbeatable-beaters, @buffy-the-vampire-blogger, @arses21434, @ltkeke, @captainfoxy22, @chinduda @letsshamelessqueen-m @my-soul-is-the-moon @we-are-transcendent

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six,Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine

Sitting at the table you had continued the research you had begun the day before, you had been knee deep in articles since you had sent your sibling off to school that morning and it was almost time for them to get out.

Not that they would be coming back home after school; your mother had to stay on location for a few days and for tonight you couldn’t hold down the fort because you had your own appointment.

Dr. Finehair said he had a specialist come in to conduct a sleep study to see if maybe it was a brainwave disturbance causing your sleeping problems and he wanted you to try and sleep as long as you could.

Without meaning to you had let your mind wander back to your phone call with Ivar yesterday.

After you hung up you spared a moment to think about how abruptly Ivar decided to end the call, it seemed like something was wrong with him.

You figured he would tell you when he felt the need to talk about it, so you went back to your research on Ivar the Boneless.

History was one of your favorite subjects because it’s like a story that really happened once upon a dark and twisted time.

The more you read the more you wanted to put it all aside and never look at it again, which was odd for you. Normally you loved the dark part of history, you believed that no country can ever grow without looking back at its history.

American history was your usual topic but this was a completely new ballpark, and Ivar the Boneless didn’t really feel like light reading. Especially when you couldn’t help but picture your best friend performing a Blood Eagle in order to avenge his father.

His father was another matter that needed researching, you had to look into as much as you could. Any small piece of information could be vital to figuring out this whole thing.

Whatever this thing was.

Your stomach growled and snapped you out of your own head, you sat aside your laptop and stretched before you stood up from your kitchen table.

The kitchen window gave your neighbor a good enough view that she could just walk by and see that you weren’t sleeping.

It didn’t surprise you that your mother didn’t trust you to stay awake on your own accord, because you also didn’t trust yourself to not take a nap.

God you needed a nap.

With a sigh you went and made yourself a quick bowl of ramen to ease your hunger without overfilling yourself.

It was about an hour before Ivar would be released.

He was going to drive you to the hospital and wait for you, meaning he would sleep in an uncomfortable waiting room or even worse his truck. It felt odd that he would do that for you, and even though you had asked him to, you thought he’d decline.

Suddenly your phone chimed with a message.

I’m leaving early be there in ten - Ivar

Cool, we can just chill until it’s time to go - (Y/N)

You looked at the phone and couldn’t help but second guess if that message was good enough, or if you should have added any emojis.

Ugh, this was not good, how could you have suddenly developed feelings for him; Ivar of all people. The guy you were trying to get to remember his past life.

A life in which he was married to you while being old enough to be your grandfather.

You groaned in mild annoyance and complete confusion as you went upstairs to change out of the pajamas you had been lounging in.

The minutes passed like seconds and soon Ivar was at your door.

Fighting the urge to double check yourself in the mirror you went downstairs to let him in.

‘Hey, I got your schoolwork.’ he said handing you a folder.

‘Boo.’ you whined as you looked at the assignments.

‘You’re welcome, not like I went out of my way to get them for you or anything.’ Ivar sassed.

‘Thank you, think you can help me with this...I hate math.’

‘I know, sure I’ll help.’

You led him to the kitchen and subtly motioned to the open window and waved at your neighbor who waved back.

The older woman looked at Ivar in confusion and Ivar waved politely before he sat at your table.

‘So are we starting with math first?’

‘Hell no, tell me about the man with no eyes.’ you said bluntly.

‘I don’t know much, man doesn’t like being in the public eye. Got rich through genius investments but he seems to come from old money despite the fact that no information on his family is available. My father said he was one of his first clients.

‘So it's not like he just time traveled to get here, he’s well established. Covered in mystery but still real, does that mean he’s been alive this whole time?’ you asked.

‘I would guess so but that doesn’t seem humanly possible.’ Ivar said back.

‘Maybe he isn’t human then, at this point we can’t afford to think too logically anymore, the new motto is if we can explain it then we can accept it.’

‘Inspirational.’ he hummed.

‘Thank you, I’m truly a poetic soul.’ you joked.

‘Yeah... there is more though, he knew too much.’

That got your attention, not because of what Ivar had said but the way he said it, like he wasn’t talking about something he’d experienced. It was as if he was talking about someone else he didn’t know.

‘What do you mean?’

‘He knew about my family, but it didn’t feel like he looked us up. He just...knew too much.’ Ivar tried to clarify.

‘What did he know?’

‘Dad was introducing us and he said this wasn’t all us...he knew two of us weren’t there and he was right. Bjorn wasn’t there and he knew about Gida...almost no one knows about Gida, Dad never talks about her except on her birthday.’

‘Who is Gida?’ you asked.

‘My sister, well half sister if you want to be politically correct. My dad’s first wife had two kids Bjorn and Gida, when his first company was just becoming successful he had to leave town a lot and on one trip he was told Gida had died of influenza.’

‘Oh my God, I’m sorry.’ you said sympathetically.

‘It’s ok, she died way before I was born, I’ve only seen a few pictures but I don’t know anything about her, but that guy did. He knew that none of us ever saw her and he knew she was sick, and I could tell that dad was surprised by him knowing.’

Now Ivar was looking off into the distance as if he himself wasn’t even here sitting at your table right now. It was as if he was mentally somewhere else, probably trying to come up with a scenario where his father would have talked about this girl named Gida.

‘Hey, calm down. We can put a pin in it for right now if you want to, I actually do need to get some of my homework done.’ you tried to comfort.

Ivar nodded and took in a deep breath and let it all out.

You actually managed to put most of your focus on stupid equations that no one would ever need in real life, but you couldn’t help but think about how hard this was all becoming now.

Ivar was in complete denial of who he must have been in his past life, anytime you brought it up he shuts down or starts bleeding. How much more proof did he need and what will he do when he can’t deny it any more?

By some miracle you finished all your assignments with mild confidence that it was at least a B+, Ivar was apparently putting all his focus on helping you.

Pretty soon it was time for the two of you to head out if you wanted to get to the hospital in time for your appointment.

The ride was uneventful, just casual talk about school and plans for next weekend; pretty much you talked about anything but the elephant in the room.

While you rode you were very proud of yourself for keeping things casual. It was as if you had pushed aside that mild panic you felt about the possibility of you having a crush on the guy next to you.

At the hospital you filled out some papers while Ivar was chatting with the lady at the desk, it was the same one from your first visit.

Her name was Helga, she was a blond woman who looked no older than twenty seven tops, but she spoke to Ivar as if she were an forty year old aunt.

‘Are you her ride home? She could be here for a while, your mother will worry.’ Helga asked.

‘Mother always does, I let her know I’d be home late if it makes you feel better.’ he assured.

‘It doesn’t.’

You felt kinda awkward interrupting to let her know you were done with the papers.

She took them and led you into an examination room where a male nurse took your vitals and gave you a gown to wear.

After a minute Dr. Finehair came in with another doctor who you had to assume was the specialist who would be conducting the study.

‘Hello Ms. (Y/N), I’m Dr. Finehair.’

You made a confused face and sent a looked between the two men.

‘My little brother, if it helps you can call him Halfdan.’ your doctor explained.

‘Don’t worry the smarter one is in charge.’ Halfdan smiled politely.

It was strange how easily his charm seemed to relax you, but you guessed as a doctor he had to have amazing bedside manners.

‘I’ve looked over all of your test results and it seems to be nothing physically with your body, other than what could be expected from an exhausted teenager.’ he said as he began placing little stickers on your temples, scalp face, chest and legs.

Both doctors were very nice and the small talk did help to pass the time while Halfdan was placing sensors on your body.

‘The main purpose of the study is to see what your brainwaves are up to when you go to sleep. If there is anything unusual then we can know what to focus on and see what tests need to be run on you. OK?’ he explained.

‘I understand, how long do I need to sleep?’

‘As long as you can, did you need any sleeping aids, I see it’s been prescribed to you.’

‘Not necessary, I’m ready to crash whenever you give me the go ahead Doc.’ you smiled.

‘Oh well don’t let me stop you, we are going to leave the room, the sensors are connected to a machine, we will monitor the room as well record video.’

‘What if I have to use the restroom? I guess I should have asked before you started.’

‘It is fine, we can disconnect you, all you have to do is let us know.’

‘Alright you are all set to go, we will leave you to it ma’am.’

The two men left and it only took you about thirty seconds to go to sleep.

******************************************************************* Ivar’s POV

The hospital was unusually quiet today, not empty by any means, but it seemed nothing horribly urgent had happened since he’d gotten here.

Every person that came in was calm and in good enough shape to explain why they were here and what they were feeling.

Of course that would be expected because this hospital was a bit out of the way, too far from the busy highways where most car accidents tend to happen.

There was also the fact that this was a very expensive hospital, with amazing security, top of the line technology and the best doctors you can get.

All of his surgeries had been done here, because on top of all those other great qualities this hospital assured each patient complete privacy. No matter who the patient was or how much money their secrets were worth.

Ivar was sitting there, in one of the uncommonly comfortable waiting room chairs, scrolling through social media on his phone when a sudden wave of lightheadedness hit him.

His vision blurred to the point where he had to sit his phone aside and shake his head in an effort to clear his head.

‘I see you Boneless.’

Ivar flinched at the sudden voice, but more than that he flinched at the name.

He looked up and what he saw was impossible, so very impossible that even the thought of it made him think that he was going mad.

There is no other explanation for what was sitting in the chair across from him.

It was himself.

His own face, slightly hidden behind a thick and graying beard, but all the same it was obviously his face. His eyes, nose and teeth...his face.

‘No.’ he breathed.

‘But yes, you wouldn’t believe what all had to be sacrificed for us to chat, and I’m sad to say that my being here is not good news.’

‘You aren’t here.’ Ivar whispered.

‘No, not really; neither are you, not completely. Neither of us can ever truly be anywhere until we are together. Until you accept that you are me, I did my part; I died...and I waited.’

‘Waited for what? For two teenagers to meet to clean up a mess you made thousands of years ago?’ he snapped angrily, barely managing to keep his voice down.

‘I didn’t want to do this, I saw no point in it. I was fully prepared to accept the punishment the Gods felt I deserved, but it wasn’t just me...and it isn’t just you. Everyone you love and care about, they are all being punished for my deeds, our deeds.’

‘Your deeds.’ Ivar spat.

‘Our...deeds.’

‘Ivar.’

This time Ivar jumped clean out of his chair, partially due to being so suddenly startled but mostly to look away from this thing with his face.

Herald was there and just the look on his face told him something was wrong; horribly wrong.

‘What happened?’

‘Helga is calling her mother now, Ivar I need you to be calm. I can see how much you care for her and I know you will worry, but losing your composure won’t help anything do you understand?’ Herald said seriously.

‘Tell me what happened.’ Ivar repeated quietly, almost certain he didn’t want the answer but he needed it all the same.

‘(Y/N) is brain dead.’

‘What? She was just here for a sleep study. What the hell happened?!’ Ivar hissed.

The hairs on the back of his neck was standing up and he couldn’t think of a time where he had been this scared.

‘We don’t know. I wouldn’t even be saying any of this to you if her mother hadn’t listed you as one of (Y/N)’s emergency contacts.’

‘Tell me!’ Ivar snapped.

Herald sighed in mild annoyance but his look remained professional.

‘Her vitals were excellent, no sleep aids were administered. Neither me or Halfdan can explain what happened, I was monitoring her on camera and he was watching her brainwaves. Out of nowhere the waves flat-line and she is seizing up.’

‘She had a seizure?’

‘Yes. A non epileptic seizure, but a seizure nonetheless; we had to risk sedating her before she hurt herself. I wish I could tell you something, anything to explain what went wrong, but I don’t know. I checked her for every physical condition I can think of as a medical doctor and there is nothing to see.’

Ivar was speechless, he didn’t know what to say, even if he did he wouldn’t trust his voice to say it without breaking.

‘When her mother arrives I will explain it to her and what happens next will be her decision.’

‘Can I see her?’ he asked softly.

‘Yes, but do not move her. We are not sure what is causing the problem and we won’t know until we can get her in a CAT scan.’

‘CAT scans, do you think it’s cancer?’ Ivar asked, his eyes wide and his heart filled with dread.

‘I can not say, even suggesting it with no test done I could lose my license. For right now I need you to keep calm while we try to figure out what exactly is happening.’

Ivar nodded in understanding, he listened to the room number and made his way there; all the while thinking about everything.

He thought about the imaginary creature that spoke to him in the waiting room.

“My being here is not good news” that’s what he said and he was right.

He remembered when he had first met her in the hallway; he couldn’t stop thinking about her in class, when he saw her at the table with his brothers he was happy to see her. Even happier that he liked her and saw her as a great friend.

A friend was something he’d never had before and he had thought this was why he wanted to keep her so close, but it wasn’t.

Ivar knew that now, he wouldn’t be this worried and concerned for a friend.

He loved (Y/N), he loved her and right now she was brain dead because of the actions of a dead man.

Because of his actions.

[myownprivate-johnnyutah]

If Found (Chapter 1)

AN: A Fluff-as-Fuck Penpals Story because we’re in a fuckin’ pandemic and I want to write about yearning, goddamnit. I have no outline, no plan and am just going wild with it. 

Synopsis: After losing a notebook in a Brooklyn bar two years ago, Alana Miles has lost a few more things and gained some others. Lost? Her tiny Brooklyn apartment, her first love-turned fiancé, their shared cat. Gained? A small rental house in her hometown, a second book deal, a rescue bulldog and a facelss email pen pal she may or may not be falling for. (AO3)

Wordcount: 1,530

September 2020

It’s a little early to be up for a Saturday, but she cracks open her laptop anyway— careful not to jostle the sleeping bulldog deep snoring across her legs. Alana has tried to let herself sleep in on weekends, lately. With the weekdays full of deadlines, interviews and long calls with her editor normally kicking off before her morning coffee’s kicked in, the few blissful hours of no screens and light-blocking blinds on Saturdays were usually her favorite thing. Usually.

It’s not her fault, though. Because of stupid timezones, there was a message waiting for her that she’d be itching to see and even after years (plural) of back-and-forth emails with her accidental pen pal, the little rush of seeing where the conversation would go next was enough to make her a bit more of a morning person (even when she doesn’t have to be). 

To: Miles2Go@mail.net.

From: KCR@mail.net

Subject: RE: RE: RE: The Not-Divorce is Finalized! 

A, 

Sure, okay, I believe you.

I know you said you were fine and I understand I’m maybe half-obligated by the terms of our friendship to take that at face value and instead pivot to asking you about your day or the book proposal or whether you got around to reading that book I sent you (it’s a chapbook, honestly, and you pretty much read for a living). And I will ask those things. 

But I wanted to add, RE: your point on “closure not even being a fuckin’ real thing” that I’m not sure if I agree. Provided you’re giving yourself the grace to step away and close the chapters, relationships, painful memories in order to open something up, it’s as real as you want to make it. 

But what you’re going through (all of it), it’s draining and exhausting and you’re carrying a lot. Closing a door doesn’t mean everything’s resolved behind the door, just that you’ve resolved to let yourself be on the other side. 

I think you’re brave and good, if that helps. And I hope you’ll read that goddamn chapbook so we can talk about it.  

Yours, 

KC

Welp. That’ll need coffee to respond to, she thought, slowly inching her legs out from under Bruce (who let out an insulted snort before snuffling back into the duvet) and heading out to the kitchen. 

Mug in hand, she made her way out to the porch and took in the fall morning: the lake’s got the beginning reflections of red and orange showing through and the smell of burning leaves (they still do that out here) is already making its way to her door. The tiny one bedroom house she’d been renting is about five minutes from where she grew up (where her parents still live). It’s modest (if maybe cramped) but has big windows, a monthly rent that doesn’t drain her bank account beyond recovery and lets her be close to her mom for doctor’s appointments and long meetings with specialists that she trades off with her sister and brother. 

She leaves the door open a crack, since Bruce is unlikely to last long in the bed alone before stumbling out to his sunny porch bed, and takes a seat on her own “grown-up porch couch” — an oversized wicker basket chair her little brother salvaged from a friends’ student house and spray painted white to look less wretched, paired with some overly fluffy pillows her twin sister bought her. She cracked open her computer again and tried to figure out how she’d respond.

She tried, not infrequently, to picture KC. She was sure he was good looking, despite that name feeling so deeply undignified and childish for a man in his forties. (Or is he fifty by now? A funny thing about surprise pen pals is you never really exchange birthdates or A/S/L — and, in their case, they just went for the emotional jugular). She imagined a doe-eyed John Cusack-type (maybe a bit more “High Fidelity,” actually) or, of course, a Tom Hanks “You’ve Got Mail” has crossed her mind but neither really ever felt right. 

She knew a lot about him, after nearly two years of correspondence. He’s told her about the long scar going up his stomach that he got in a motorcycle accident (how he’ll forget its there even after 20 years); she knows he works in film but simply says “I help people tell lies for a living” when she asks for specifics; she knows he fell in love a few years back, after thinking he was never going to fall in love again (and that he has a gift for emphasizing the sweet of a bittersweet ending) and she know she’s a Virgo with a Cancer moon. He knew a lot about her, too: He knew birds freaked her out, that she was in the middle of final proofs of her first book and the proposal on her second; he knew she broke off an engagement (and thus a relationship spanning nearly all of her 20s) in the last year and reflexively performed being cavalier about it; he knew her mom was sick and that she left the life (the one she secretly wasn’t all that wild about) in Brooklyn to be closer to her.

It’s funny the way these little stories and pieces of ourselves can be assembled to make a person feel so whole and so close, even if they’re thousands of miles away and you’ve never seen their face and you probably wouldn’t have met if it weren’t for the right amount of happy accidents flowing in succession. 

He was her happy accident and, if she were the fate-believing type she’d believe it was some of that kismet that brought him to that Fort Green bar on that rainy afternoon. She’d been transcribing some notes in one of her many junk-ish notebooks (full of story ideas, a few email addresses and phone numbers for sources, a scribbled quote, some ticket stubs and a lone piece of gum between the back pages (whoops) — all organized by chaos) and got a call from Brandon, her then-fiancé reminding her that they’d need to leave their Greenpoint apartment for his department chair’s dinner party on the Upper West Side (a thing she’d forgotten she’d agreed to do) shortly and if she was still stopping to grab the wine. 

In her rush to settle up her tab, scamper to the liquor store next door and procure a fancy-ass bottle for the academic circle jerk, she left the notebook behind. Luckily, she’d remembered to scrawl her email in the front cover that time —she wasn’t going to let some rando find her address!

KC, as he told her later in one of their subsequent emails, found it and “began trying to decipher its many, many mysteries (the gum, for example).” 

She couldn’t be mad, she 100 percent would’ve done the same thing if fate, kismet, the universe’s funky algorithm, who knows, left someone else’s brain-dump to her doorstep. Between that confession (and the charming apology that came with it), the emails just didn’t stop — long after he’d sent the book back. 

Despite this two year friendship, she hasn’t seen his face — and only recently heard his voice. She knows he’s older than her 34 years by a not-small amount.  (He doesn’t have an instagram or a Twitter and when she asked him why he responded “Oh, that. What would I do with that stuff, really?”) And 95% of the time it doesn’t bother her. But then she sees emails like that and thinks of his deep, thoughtful voice (the calm, intentional pauses when he speaks that make everything go soft and quiet over the phone line) and something in her twitches. 

It’s been a long 18 months of being very single and maybe, just maybe it’s messing with her head to have such careful, considerate attention 4-8 (depending on how much they write and how busy they are) times a week. 

To: KCR@mail.net

From: Miles2Go@mail.net.

Subject: Doors Open & Closed — moving on.

KC, 

That poet soul of yours is working overtime today, bud. It’s too early for my icy heart to thaw the way it needs to if I’m going to adequately respond, so take this: I know. You’re right. I’ll try. Thank you. 

And try to let it be the end of this for now. 

I’m digitally and spiritually cleansing this space and cracking open this sad  pamphlet of a book you sent me. Stand by for my thoughts. 

Chilliest regards (with a gooey center), 

A

P.S. You promised me that shortlist of “films I need to watch now that I work from home and can watch movies all day.” Keep in mind, my attention span is like my love life: short, sad and ridiculous. 

She hits send and quickly checks in on the few dangling work emails that couldn’t wait until Monday. It’ll be a few hours before her West Coaster pen pal is up and a few more before he’s near a screen. He’s an early riser, but more of a yoga, outdoors-y, going jogging (ugh) kind than a feverish AM emailer. But she’ll forgive him that one (admittedly well-adjusted) flaw for now.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

He makes me livid! I get so mad!!! I don't understand him at all. He makes me go UGH but in bad ways.

I went off on him first before I realised what his problem was... Like total accusations and misfit drama. All paranoid loca. I don't give a shit.

I draw conclusions and those were the most obvious.

But when you know someone... You have to remember their stupidity. One time he confessed... And I already had decided to break up with him... I was all I'm waiting till his dad dies then I'm done. He's a good friend when he tries but he doesn't make me,a priority. And so I hadn't told him. I just tired of him,upsetting me so I had to remove me.

So he said he wouldn't do anything for his pain,then, he would take 2x his Percocet with 5 shots of tequila then treat me like shit.

I really hadnt noticed. I was all "oh he's just in his mood where he's decided I'm not important to him"

And true enough when he told me his dad died I walked away from our relationship.

But honestly ... Years later... I missed him.. Because he treated me best. Because I say I walked

I mean I left, completely.

But despite his faults he's always treated me best. I mean person to person. He didn't give me what I wanted from,the relationship. But as a low key friend, he understood me the most

He understood i was scared to go to sleep and he would stay on the phone and help,me,sleep so I could. No one else can do that. My daughter, if she was sleeping with me. I could listen to her breathe and I could fall asleep that way. Because it would calm my r breathing if she was sleeping that calm sleep,breath

But he knew all what to say. And I never had to tell him or even tell him I was afraid to sleep or even admit it to myself.

I hope this helps some of y'all that are anti medicine as well.

I don't like hospitals or doctors (I like my personal doctors But aside from them) in general. I'm afraid of them. They make me hostile. I feel like theyre some dangerous S&M dungeon

Go and wait for hours to get bad news then they don't give you what you need because you're so fucking exhausted they don't understand. Or don't care or are the ones that like to kill patients.

So I like my doctors although I have to wait for hours to see them past my appointment time, they take extra time to see me and cover what I think I need. Their quality is worth the wait. I have 3. Primary, Pain and Urgent Care. And I use the computer urgent care where I leave an online message after finishing a long ass quizz through the insurance website.

And whatever pills they give me, I Google to make sure they were right. They always are. Im also interested in what else the pills cover. Like i take 2 different anti seizure pills for pain and one also for insulin sensitivity increase and metabolic increase. And i take an antidepressant that also covers fibromyalgia.

I have 13 prescriptions. Monthly. Some I have to take more than once per day. Plus i take vitamins.

Then I Google the pharmacy pills to make sure the pharmacy was right.

So.

I get it. Sometimes I don't want to take 13 prescriptions more than once per day or even at all.

But we need to know what we are taking and why.

And why it is important.

And we need to take our medicine. So we can survive

I think this information is especially important during this epidemic.

Now realize that antibiotics are not useful on viruses unless the virus causes a bacterial infection. Like.

A cold is a virus but in some people like myself and used to in my daughter, causes a severe sinus infection which requires antibiotics.

I know the point at which we need antibiotics and so i go to my urgent care lady because she understands and we just do a walk in. And i don't overwhelm my doctor who is taking time to give quality care and has long waiting patients.

But otherwise a virus does not respond to antibiotics. And anti-virus medications are quite rare.

Flu shot... But not a cold shot..

So we take over the counter medicine for our symptoms. Like coughing and runny nose

Sinus pressure in the eyes, nose, teeth. Jaw.

If you have a tooth ache you can take sinus medicine. Because the worst tooth pain is actually in your sinus cavity! That's a secret trick. Works every time.

So basically anytime you have facial pain that doesn't respond to Tylenol or ibuprofen or alieve, you can take sinus medicine. Also ear pain.

Google sinus cavities in the face and you'll see why.

Now an ear and sinus infection is a bacteria, usually but usually our bodies can fight it Well without an anti biotic. As long as it is treated with over the counter medicine. But sometimes, like with myself and my daughter, sometimes an antibiotic is needed..but that is after at least a week to 10 days of serious green overflow that doesn't respond to over the counter medicine.

Sometimes the bacteria is lab revealed by terrorists during the "flu and cold season" to create an income for pharmaceutical companies. For my daughter and i, they're usually too strong for our immune system.

Although since my ex husband left town, my daughter's immune system has significantly became stronger. While mine has not. So she needs less antibiotics, than I do.

Otherwise, my body can fight it on its own with a few doses of otc.

I had a tooth pulled a few years ago.. It created a pathway to my sinuses. I could rinse water in my mouth and it would come out my nose. I saw an ear, nose and throat specialist whom said i needed surgery immediately to repair my nose.

I said no thank you mother fucker

I had to have clearance from my cardiologist. So i took a stress test and failed. So i had to have an ultra sound. It wasn't good. But they said I could have the surgery since it was simple.

I said that's cool, but I don't want to.

I haven't done it. So I get sinus infection and pain quite often. My bone structure in my nose is center in my right nostril. Meaning it's really fucking bad

From being punched in the face a lot. The surgery sounds fucking horrible. And it's a cosmetic change.

I'm all nope. I'm a single mom. She don't take good care of me. I'll drown in the blood sliding down the back of my throat.

The tooth removal was so bad... It was horrible. There was blood every where for days... I can only imagine the nose surgery would be the same

I also hate the smell of blood. So I'm like no. It sounds like the most miserable thing.

If I had someone to take care of me and baby me like a little blood soaked lamb in need of care... That's s different story.. But I don't have anyone that would take care of me

After my tooth... I was throwing up the blood and my kid just stood there and stared,. Which I wanted to hide it from her I was sick... But I was in the kitchen and began violently puking in the trash can... Scared her to death

"Mom I'm scared"

"I am, too. This has never happened before"

So yeah fuck that nose. I got one crooked fucking nose. And it makes me sick.

She wants me to have surgery so I'll quit snoring.

Well.

Ear plugs are at the Dollar Tree, babe.

So y'all take your pills that you need

Some one cares about you

And they don't want to slap your face off. But you'll drive them to it. And a crooked nose isnt all its cracked up to Be. It pretty much sucks.

I can't even blow it Like a normal person....

[starkerkeyz]

Keyz Personal Life/Health TMI

I called out of work because of my stomach and I’m very frustrated and can’t stop thinking About Things. So, I’m going to write out the whole sordid affair and maybe it’ll be cathartic? 

I’m going to add a cut but mobile users won’t be able to see it so just be aware this will cover from 2017-present and might be long.

Warnings: involves traumatic health issues, divorce, depression, food related health issues, and just generally goes way too personal about me. 

..........Divider for mobile users...........

To start off, I was married from 23-26 to the person I’d been monogamous with since I was 20. We met when I was 19 and they were 20 and got together within a few months.

In 2017 I (25) started throwing up. A lot. And it didn’t get better. I grew up healthy, no disabilities or chronic issues, hell I barely ever got sick, so this was abnormal. And a little weird. (And a little scary because my uncle died of cancer when I was 18, so I was thinking about that in the back of my head).

But I was 25 and nothing bad happens to young people.

So I put it off, didn’t go, drank lots of water, and generally lived in denial for weeks. It got so bad I started sleeping on the couch, because sleeping on my back or side caused acid re-flux. I started throwing up more and more each day. 5-6 times a day. Undigested food, from deep within my guts. I got so familiar with the pain of my my internal organs contracting to push the food up, I could almost track where it was in my intestines. It felt like everything below my belly button was a tube of toothpaste being squeezed up towards my throat. The back of my throat always burned. 

I got so weak and tired from not being able to eat that I couldn’t handle my job, and quit over the phone, crying. 

I got weaker.

Without a purpose and with only the pain I’d sit up in my corner of the couch and watch the wall. For hours. Sometimes I thought I would die there. Sometimes I thought I’d die in the bathroom, head hanging over the toilet. Sometimes I laughed at the idea of being strong enough to make it to the bathroom to die.

When I finally did go to a Dr, they said I was overweight and my stomach was being pushed on by the fat. They gave me GERD pills. 

At this point, I was eating only a handful of baby carrots a day to stay hydrated and get *something* in me. Mostly got my nutrients from drinks.

The pills didn’t work.

I got weaker.

I can’t *not* try, though. I can’t actually stop and lay down and die. I will die fighting. And I thought I would.

So I researched my symptoms on my own, narrowed it down to a severe intestinal blockage, and put myself on a liquid diet of bone broth and Gatorade for a week.

I don’t remember that week.

Then came the enema, which made me cry. I was so tired. There was nothing in me to expel. Until, at 3am after I’d given up, a sharp, searing pain woke me up and I went to the bathroom for yet another painful round. Something came out! but I was so tired and out of it I didn’t look closely; looking back, I think it was whatever had been plugging me up. 

All through this, my spouse had been trying to be encouraging and supportive. A sickness like this is difficult for both parties. I’m also a fighter, and I don’t mean that I like to hit people, but I mean, my default setting when you get down to my bones of ‘fight or flight?’ I will ALWAYS pick fight. 

So when a fighter gets weak, they get nasty. I’m ashamed. I was so mean. I lashed out verbally so much. I was in so much pain and fear and depression that I couldn’t see them helping me (or recognize where they truly failed me vs where my panicked brain thought they had) or how stressed they were getting, watching me die on the couch in my corner.

We fought. About everything a couple can fight about. We weren’t fighting about the issue, we were fighting because I needed a caregiver with backbone and they were too submissive to stand up to me. (We were not D/s just fyi but I definitely was the decision maker. They broke down under the pressure of running the household and taking care of an emotionally unstable depressed wife)

It culminated in a fight so bad I slammed a plate down on the counter and broke it. I didn’t mean to break the plate, but there it was, broken. And there my palms were, bleeding. And there I was, crying over the sink, telling my spouse I wasn’t getting better and that I was scared.

They talked me down from seeing a therapist or dr. No money for it. Washed the blood off. They’d help me. They loved me. They’d be there for me. 

They kicked me out after a bad fight a month later, and texted me on my birthday asking for a divorce while I was out with my mom.

So I moved in with my mom because what else do you do when you’re depressed, can barely eat (at this point I was back on solids though! recovery started) and have no job and no home?

I became so depressed my mom made lists for me that included ‘read a chapter of the book’ or ‘take a shower’ just so I’d do more than just sit on the corner of HER couch and wait to die. 

She made me see a dr, get on anti depressants, and talk about therapy options (better to wait until you’re employed for insurance). She came with me to the appointments. Before we went in, she’d ask me to recite what we needed to go over so I knew and she could remind me. 

And ever since then, I’ve been working on recovery.

Got a job 3-4 weeks after moving in and being on the anti-depressants! 

Then moved out of my mom’s in October 2018!

Found Starker fandom and my og bestie, Cagey, around March or April of 2019? (Dates may be off)

Good times! 🥰 Good people! 🥰 Feeling better about myself and life in general! 🥰🥰🥰

But I still occasionally get these ‘flare ups’. Where my stomach gets hot, I’ll break out into a sweat, my right side hurts, and I throw up. It’s not the same throwing up as before though; it isn’t the deep, uncomfortable toothpaste tube squeezing, but like the muscles ABOVE my belly button lock up and force bile up? And of course if I’ve recently eaten, food comes up too.

I’ve had bloodwork done, I’ve had an ultrasound for gallstones, and now spoken to a GI specialist. He’s thinking pinched nerve somehow, but wants a cat scan to make sure. (I have like 3-4 drs to call to set this stuff up ugh)

So I’m not worried that this sickness is That Sickness. But I’m still so upset because even though 2017 was so far away and i’m so much better now (I’m writing! I’m eating! I’m living!) every time I have a flare up, there’s this emotional gauntlet of ALL OF THE ABOVE running in the background upsetting me. 

But, writing it all down like this did help. I realize how far I’ve come in just 3 years and I’m so glad. Recovery is long, and hard, and messy, no matter what you’re recovering from and I hope everyone out there living through their version of it has someone to help them like I did.

Stay safe out there everyone. I love you💕

[poetic-beats]

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day eight

I don’t really even know what to say about the dietitian appointment today. She brought up treatment again and I said let’s wait to consider that until I go to my conference in a few weeks. She wasn’t thrilled with that and said we can’t just wait on my health. I filled out an too sonshe can talk to my husband if he does call. She suggested I really consider seeing an eating disorder specialist for a therapist and brought up thinking about a higher level of care again and told me to just look into them. She brought up that we’ve been kind of hovering around the same weight for a month and she brought up that I’ve got a lot of weight to have to gain and she worries that at the outpatient level it’s going to be hard for me to sit with those feelings while making the increase in weight. She brought up how often I’m weighing myself and I said every day and she asked about the goal to not weigh as much and I said that I had actually kind of forgotten that was one of the goals and she asked me about what happens when I see the number on the scale going up and I was like honestly it’s not this feeling of like oh no I need to do something to lose it again or I can’t go up that 1 pound if anything in a weird since it’s almost like a sort of relieved because I know that I can’t keep losing weight or I’m going to have to go to treatment and I don’t want that. She asked me about my physical symptoms as far as has anything gotten better for me and I said that I’m not having headaches mid day anymore where are used to get kind of lightheaded and have headaches and feel like I was in a fog about halfway through the day and that doesn’t seem to be happening anymore. She said that was really good and she asked about being tired and I was like I mean I’m always tired and that’s been a problem for like the last three years and she was like wait really even when you were eating and I was like well I don’t really know exactly how well I’ve been eating over the past few years anymore but in general yeah it’s been a problem for three years and my vitamin D was low and she brought up seeing a primary care doctor again and getting labs done and how I might need a higher supplement of vitamin D and I might need iron for the anemia and both of those might be helpful and just how in general if medically there are things that are off it’s going to make me feel terrible and we need to make sure we are taking care of those. I said that made sense and she printed out a list of labs that she wanted them to check for me as well as an EKG since I have had heart issues in the past. She asked me how I thought me we could go on and I brought up how I had talked to the group of people I was in treatment with and she said how she thought that was absolutely wonderful and great to hear that I had more support now and she brought him home I think things were going with food and I was like well that part may be hit and miss and she was like yeah it seem like there were a couple days when things were pretty rough and she asked wouldn’t have been there and I explained the situation with my meeting going over and she was like that’s right now I remember him and she brought up with the meal plan and I was like well realistically I didn’t do the add-ons if anything they just sort of replaced the evening snack which didn’t happen a few times and was something that I wasn’t really doing the first place so it was sort of like that and she was like yeah I noticed that and I wasn’t sure if you want me to call you out on things like that and I was like I mean you can. She was like we really got to make sure that you’re eating more and I was like I’m in a meeting like nearly 2000 cal a day and she was like honestly think that’s like maybe what you burn in general on a normal day but it’s certainly not enough to be helping you gain weight and we really have to help you start gaining weight. She brought up the food and feelings back and said that it’s really helpful book and that we can go through it together and eventually possibly do the intuitive eating book but right now she thinks I need more of the food and feelings back because she thinks that I have a hard time sitting with uncomfortable feelings and I was like I agree and she brought up the night before and why I hadn’t had my evening snack after that and I explained that honestly I gotten upset with Amber and just didn’t want to do it and had just cried and gone to bed instead. She asked about other behaviors and I said there wasn’t any exercise and I was honest with her about their behaviors because there was one that I didn’t feel comfortable talking man I clearly got awkward and upset talking about it and she was basically just like it sounds like it was more or less a one time thing and I don’t want you to sit in the pit and she myself and be yourself up over this long time so it’s just kind of move past it and I knowledge that it happened and you are doing a lot of hard work right now and previously you’d been compensating with exercise and so this isn’t really different in regards to not coping well. She said I have a lot going on with being a full-time worker and working more than that plus trying to focus on recovery and also mend an entire relationship so she’s not surprised that I’m struggling or having a hard time. She told me to take the shame off the table and that it was a one time thing and she’s not seeing a pattern with it and it sounds like I’m moving on from it and she wants to move on from it too. She wants me to follow my meal plan and really add on the extra snacks and so we talked about ways to actually add it in and I was like honestly I’m not going to do an ad on at night because if I’ve already eaten a nighttime snack there’s no way and so she was like maybe we could add those to your earlier snacks and I said that was fine and she talked about actually sitting with my uncomfortable feelings I do eat anyway. Sge mentioned actually adding in cheese it’s and I was like ugh well I bought them and she was like that’s gret well now let’s actually eat them lol. She brought up how she knows how uncomfortable it is and I feel like she can probably tell that I was honestly checking out because I was thinking about how I had told her about the behaviors and about seeing the doctor and because she asked me like twice if I was hearing what she was saying and she was like I want you to know that I recognize all the hard work you are doing and I’m so proud and thankful that you are eating and you this week versus when you first came in is such an improvement and you are making good progress it’s just that we really need to increase in order to get you back up to that healthy weight. I said I understood and she said definitely no activity still and since I’m getting the food and feelings but she wants me to do chapter 1 this week and we can start going over it together and I will go see the psychiatrist about getting on some thing to manage the ruminating thoughts. I told her OK and we walked back to the copy room where she made copies of my weekly goals and I feel like she could read my body language and tell that I was feeling super awkward and anxious and she was just kind of like how do you feel about today’s session and I was like I feel good and she was like OK and we went back into the room and she printed out the specific labs that I need done and gave me a sheet on add-ons and gave me my goals and I headed out after we scheduled.

[sunshinechii-scenarios]

Semi-Sweet. I

Visit the Semi-Sweet story page for info: Here!

Hello all! This is my first attempt in an actual series! This chapter is rather short to test the waters and see how it would be, I’d really appreciate any feedback! TBH I have a major soft spot for idols that know how to bake or cook ugh spouse material amirite???? Enjoy the first part!

✿ Seventeen’s Mingyu  x Gender Neutral Reader ✿ Fluff  ✿ 1.5k words ✿ Not Requested ✿ Written by Chii ✿

I made the following divider so please don’t take it or use in your own posts, thank you .- Chii

          The sweet scent of vanilla filled the bakery on the corner of Carat Street and SVT Avenue. This is where Kim Mingyu, an inspiring baker, worked in hopes in hopes of making people happy with his desserts. He could fulfill any order someone placed and it never disappointed. The way he made his way around in the kitchen was like magic. No movement was a waste, this added onto one the list of the many reasons why you looked up to as a known baker. On the other hand, as a person, you downright hated him. You didn’t know how someone could be so rude.

          You often came to the bakery while you were in your third year of culinary school to learn the fine art of pastries. Every time you came here you ordered the daily special which was always made by Mingyu himself. His desserts had such a unique taste and look that always had you coming back for more. Time flew and you graduated, got a job at a high-end restaurant and worked as a pastry specialist in the kitchen. Though, just when things were looking up for you, they fired you, not because you were a bad worker but because there was a budget cut by high management and someone had to go. You were their best but also their youngest and they figured you had a better chance of getting another job compared to the older workers. So here you were, in front of the bakery the next morning, eyes all puffy and had plans to order two or three daily specials to mend your sad self together and maybe a cup of strong coffee to re-energize yourself. You sighed at your appearance of messy hair and a lazy outfit in the reflection of the glass. You grasped the handle of the front door. Before entering in a sign was stuck on the glass that read ‘Need new work in the kitchen!’ That’s when you decided to try your luck and asked for a form at the front desk, to your pleasant surprise it was Minkyung. 

“Minkyung! You’re back from vacation,” you said as you hugged her over the counter. 

“Yea I am! Here again?” You leaned on the counter as did she.

“As always.” You two laughed and she started to straighten up some menus that were carelessly thrown around the waiters counter.  

“What else can I get you besides the usual?” she questioned with her back facing you. 

“Make that the usual times three, a cappuccino and a job application.” She turned around quicker than you could imagine, “you’re are serious right?”

“Excuse me?” You didn’t know what she meant, her tone didn’t seem rough but more confused. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude but a lot of the people who asked for a form were people who just wanted to be around Mingyu. ” She looked like she had said this at least 17 times today with the face she made, you felt bad. 

“Trust me, I’m very serious.” You then proceeded to shove some cake into your mouth as she laughed at your actions and nodded her head, she handed you a packet when you sat down in your seat. You were able to enjoy the dessert in bliss and really thanked whichever god gave him the skill to build on to make such amazing things.

“I see you’re enjoying the lemon chiffon cake,” Minkyung said as she walked over to check up you and the order.

“I’m in love, but then again I always am.” You two laughed and she disappeared off to yell some things into the kitchen, you could faintly hear her screaming about Orange extract. Oneーtwo and three slices of cake were gone, you were full and happy. You stayed back a bit to finish the drink to warm yourself up and filled out the form, just some simple stuff and a few required things to bring in the day of the interview. You gave Minkyung the form with all your information and she gave you a day and time for an appointment. 

“I’ll see you then,” she said as you exchanged goodbyes.

          Leading up to the day of the interview, you really began to wonder what his physical appearance was. If it was anything like his cakes, you’d know that you would fall in love on the spot. You never would have thought you would see his face until he greeted himself as the person interviewing you for the job. He was breathtaking, his hair was like the finest dark chocolate that money could afford. His eyes looked the same as if he copied and pasted the colors from his hair. His skin reminded me of the slightly burnt rounds of a vanilla cake. As he sat down, he rolled up his sleeves out of habit. Just from his forearms you saw how they carried heavy cakes and easily hauled ingredients into the kitchen. Dark marks littered his skin, making it obvious that it was from his craftsmanship. He flipped a few pages an cleared his throat to prepare himself to ask you very blunt questions. 

“What are your goals?” 

“To make people happy with my creations.” He looked at you with a raised brow as he scanned your papers.

“And why?”

“I want to show the world my imagination and abilities to create.” He sneered at your very genuine responses and by the end of the interview, you hated his guts and the impression of him you had before was gone.

          You spent that night complaining to your friend, Jeonghan who specialized in the food critic area. He sighed after your long rant about Mingyu and hung up. He quickly sent over a text that he would be over with some take out that he deemed too good to not be a major food chain yet. 

“Just apply to the Italian restaurant in town, they don’t have a big pastry wing but you’ll still learn.” Jeonghan took some food out of its container after speaking.

You sighed, “I wanted to learn from Mingyu but at this point, I think anyone is better than him.”

“He’s cute and he knows how to bake, I know, your ideal type but he’s rude and you deserve to work elsewhere.” You gawked at him, Mingyu was by no means your ideal type but his skill and cakes were.

“What if they can’t teach me what he can?” You bit your lip and tilted your head back, groaning. You didn’t like this position of literal heaven and hell, not heaven or hell.  

“Didn’t you say you wanted to be happy when you grew up?” Jeonghan put his hand over yours, “remember? You didn’t want to be behind a computer all day typing numbers. You wanted to be in a kitchen churning out cakes with a smile.” 

Jeonghan paused before continuing, “this isn’t worth it Y/N.” 

You sigh at Jeonghan, he was never the type to get serious so, when he did you fell into his words. He talked you into applying to another place, aided you in your search for another workplace. You were upset that you knew for sure you weren’t going to get the job. While still stuffing your face with said good take out, your phone rang. You and Jeonghan, who was on your laptop looking at restaurants, froze at the ringing. The number didn’t look familiar but he urged you to take the call. “Hello, Y/N speaking,” you spoke into the phone, pressing it between your cheek and shoulder as you put down the take out container on your coffee table.

“Hi, I was your interviewer and I’m pleased to announce that my members and I want you on our team. Your first shift starts this Friday at 5 AM, do not be late. Have a swell night.” His voice was anything but pleased and sounded like he was forced to say those words, he also spoke quickly and hung up right after not waiting for your response. You couldn’t believe it, you got the job but being around Mingyu made you feel worthless. You dropped the phone and looked at Jeonghan.

“Hey, you just got the job, this means we should open that bottle of Rosé and order some more take out.” You nodded, not really thinking about how Jeonghan was asking where your wine glasses were. You thought to yourself, was it worth learning his tricks? Definitely, they don’t teach you these kinds of things in class and you had to learn them yourself out on the field. You stopped yourself at one glass while Jeonghan had finished the bottle with the rest of the food. Not suitable to walk, he called a taxi home and wished you luck as he got into the car. You went to bed that night excited for Friday to come. 

I think this was pretty okay for a first run! I’ll probably do a small food vocab thing and include them in the story page! I’ll post the next part as soon as I can, until then enjoy! - Chii

Please don’t claim this as your own and please don’t do anything with it without my permission. If you don’t want it happening to you, don’t do it to others.

[maximuswolf]

Anxiety attack today, its been about 5 months since I've had one... Support? via /r/Anxiety

Anxiety attack today, its been about 5 months since I've had one... Support?

Hi, I had a severe anxiety attack today resulting in depressive/the worst of the thoughts and eventual numbing. Looking for moral support, reminders that this too shall pass.

​

I am feeling much better now after being horizontal all day. I won't get into history/cause as I don't feel like it, but will share what I've taken herbal/prescript as I'm looking for advice there. Just coming to land back on planet earth after being in orbital angst! I used my grounding techniques, breathing, touching items, reminding myself to calm down but the future waves came too intensely and I broke down again. My 2 pets were there to help and kept coming up to me to cuddle. I haven't been on anti-anxiety or meds since 2015 where I went on citalopram for 1.5 yrs. other than progesterone treatment (very low peri-menopausal hormones due to stress, for early 30's)

I have a doc appointment tomorrow that was already booked so I'll bring up what happened today. I'm considering asking to go on meds again as it is scary to feel how I did today, despite having so many tools and doing so much work to change my brain with neuroplasticity training.

I observe that future thinking/planning and financial concerns are what tips me over these days. I thought I was doing good but I think the past 5 months came flooding in where I had a pile up of stressful events and it all came out at once today, it felt like deep waves of grief and overhwelm, where I realised I've been swinging from getting back to regular activities as my energy levels and tolerance to exercise are increasing to unable to handle responsibility of watering plants, that feeling like an intense task. I thought I was doing good as I said but it hit me today that most of the time I make myself do these tasks to 'normalize' and it feels forced not because I want to. It feels like work/burdensome to even water my lovely plants! I'm tired of feeling this way. I am scared to go back on meds as I remember coming off I had experienced intense brain-sparks for 2 weeks. But I also remember I felt pretty normal then with taking them.. the mental chatter was disappearing. I would have likely stayed on longer but I had a shitty relationship situation where this person was pushing me to get off meds (I think too soon as I was completing a degree and needed the support) and the meds I was on were refilled at a new location and were generic that time. I had all the symptoms of withdrawal for a week before reading (on reddit!) that generic may not work the same as brand name. So I discontinued on my own after realizing I had likely withdrawn from them and the feeling was so shitty plus this person was really advocating saying I didn't need meds (que controlling abusive relationship). I felt okay for a year or so after thinking I was done with citalopram. about 2 years after stopping I had symptoms showing of limbic system impairment and then a full blown crash/adrenal/energy etc. for the 3rd and worst time that left me bedridden. I feel like I'm rambling but thats what this place is for isn't it?

Advice on SSRI support? Should I try citalopram again (or any other suggestions) if its worked before to support leveling my emotions and raising my positive neurochemicals? Not asking about doc advice, just your own and what you've tried. Getting ideas/names of other med/natural support options. I'll ask my doc tomorrow when we chat what he thinks. He is a hormone/recovery specialist. I know that there is no way to tell what will work for someone and the way things are prescribed so seemingly generically is not the way to go. After all my experiences, self-education on recovery topics etc. I have come to the conclusion that there is no perfect method for anyone, to find a catered recovery path is pretty much non-existent, but there are those of us who have similar temperments/dna structure and more that could be supportive to more efficiently discovering a pathway that works better than others.

I've taken all the herbals too, used a herbalist, my docs recommended methods etc. Phosphatidylserin is the docs most recent OTC prescription for sleep in october when I had a car accident that I was in shock for a few weeks after, relora, cortisolv blend, ashwaghanda, GABA, L-Theanine, Magnesium up the wazooo including Magtein for blood brain barrier crossing, Mag malate for fibro, many nootropic and adaptogenic herbs not yet listed, and L-glutamine protocols for leaky gut (which directly affects the brain/mood circuitry), cutting out dairy/wheat (I had a piece of regular gluten/cheesey pizza yesterday at work which I never eat, thought I'd test myself, and my gastric system and mind have been paying for it since last night.. UGH maybe the pizza took me out?! Scary.) I'll forever be taking B vitamins due to poor methylation absorption. Maybe I need something else I haven't heard of or to get back on something I'm no longer taking If I seem to be struggling? I am struggling to work more than a few days a week, I am on disability assitance for chronic fatigue/limbic system impairment, work/life balance may never return. I'm ok with not working 9-5, 5 days a week, nooe should have to all the time! Not sustainable. Being able to work more than 2 days without feeling exhausted would be great financially and for mental health routine!

Thanks for any advice, feedback, support.

Hugs and love to all of you during this interesting time to be alive.

Submitted January 21, 2021 at 07:36PM by RevolutionFox via reddit https://ift.tt/3pcUfPW

[hermitxpurple]

Update, if you want one

So this is something I’ve been meaning to write since August, but due to circumstances and schedule, I kept putting it off.

Now with my surgery date ahead, I’m prompted more than ever to get this out.

Those of you who’ve known me since high school, may know I’ve been dealing with reoccurring tumours in my breasts. It was 2009 when I found my first lump in my right breast. My GP has tried to drain it, thinking it was a cyst, but had no luck. I was sent to a specialist who had one feel of both breast and announced “yep there are lumps that need to come out.”

Turns out, the lumps were fibroadenoma “tumour”. These lumps are very common and benign, and occur throughout a persons body. They informed me I would be monitored and any time one grew too large, they’d remove it. At this point, I was a bit alarmed about my body, but not extremely concerned. Lumps were no big deal. I’d had cysts found on my kidneys that didn’t alarm doctors, surely this was fine.

A year passed and another lump formed. I mentioned it to my doctor, and was sent in to the specialist to have it checked. They did a core biopsy of it, and tests suggested another fibroadenoma. I was told I’d be watched.

Almost another year passes before I’m looked at again. The lump, at some point during the year, had done a drastic growth in size. Another core biopsy was done with the same results, but given the rate of growth, my surgeon decided to remove it.

This lump turned out to be a benign phyllodes tumour. Phyllodes, as I soon learned, is a cancer that rarely shows up in breasts, and is lucky to be benign. These tumours are inconsistent, and can change from benign to malignant, or even appeat as borderline. Furthermore, malignant phyllodes doesn’t react to chemotherapy or most cancer treatments.

At this discovery, my trust in my body slipped. I no longer felt safe in my body. Even if I was currently only growing benign tumours, that might not always be the case. I requested to have a double mastectomy, since the only place I was growing these tumours was my chest. I was told that that procedure wasn’t “the usual approach”, and upon pushing the idea further, was sent to have a psych evaluation to make sure I understood the gravity of my request. I didn’t “have cancer”, and people in my position didn’t just have a double mastectomy.

Two surgeons agreed with my surgeon that “the better approach would be to remove a tumour each time it got too big.” At this point, I’d had surgery three times. (Once to remove one fibroadenoma from either breast, once to remove the phyllodes, and once again to reinsize the cavity) I wasn’t gung-ho about getting more scars over the course of who knows how many years. But they were surgeons, and supposedly knew best.

At the beginning of this year, I felt a lump in my left breast and took note of it. In three months, it had a rapid growth spurt- a red flag when looking for phyllodes tumours. I had surgery in May to remove the tumour, and by June I was finding out I had phyllodes tumours occurring in BOTH breasts.

Another rare case in regards to these tumours- few cases, if they do appear in the breast, do they appear in both. My surgeon kept repeating how “unusual” my case was, and how “young” I was. (By this point, my 26th Birthday was 2 months away) But suddenly, I’m being offered the double mastectomy. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem like such an absurd route to take.

And suddenly, my surgeon and plastic surgeon are referring to me as a “cancer patient”. My tumours, as of yet, have not been malignant, but now that it’s appearing in bith breasts, doctors seem alarmed.

Which doesn’t foster a lot of trust from me. In them or in my body. None of the medical professionals seem rushed to get the surgery done, but they assure me I don’t have the option to “not have surgery”. At the time, I either could have a reincision of the last surgery and have the DM at a later date, or have the DM ASAP.

I picked the DM. I’d had 4 surgeries by then and had 5 scars, I wasn’t looking to keep adding them.

In a meeting with my plastic surgeon, I found out there was a good chance they would not be able to save/keep my nipples, as all the surgeries I’d had until then had jeopardized the blood flow to the nipple, and there wasn’t really a way to cut me without cutting off more blood. He “hopes” he can graft them on top of the cut, but can’t make any guarantees.

Through the course of all this, my mental health and self identity has hit many rough patches. The last year especially had seen me battling body disphoria and trying to figure out where I fall in gender identity. Trans male? Gender fluid-male leaning? Is this all coming from a fear of breasts->femininity->”being a girl”? Trying to get my counsellor and doctors all on the same page and up to date has been an incredible struggle. Until I started telling my surgeon I was trans/gender fluid (in 2015), she was still pushing this idea on me that I may want to breastfeed, and shouldn’t be so quick to get rid of my breasts.

So I haven’t had a great experience with my own breasts. And I want to know it hasn’t effected the way I view myself- that I’m gender fluid because it fits me, not because I’m scared of me. That I want to be flat because that suits me, not because I fear breasts.

And all of this has been so damn exhausting. It consumes my thoughts every moment I get the option to think about something other than work- which means I’ve taken on a busier schedule to try and distract me. In doing so, I’ve made myself incredibly lonely, as I haven’t seen friends in months. Hell, I haven’t kept in contact with friends in months. Because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I want people to be around me. I don’t know if I want to be “treated like a cancer patient”. (I don’t even know if I’m allowed in that category. I don’t know if I want people to “act like everything is normal”. It’s just overwhelming.

But I miss people. I miss human contact and hanging out with people. I miss being carefree, and despite knowing it’s a choice, it’s so hard to choose something different than wallowing in stress and anxiety.

So basically. I have surgery on the 23rd of this month. I only found out the exact date because I called my plastic surgeons office to say I wanted to talk to the surgeon about other reconstruction options, and the secretary mentioned “oh! It’s on the 23rd”. They called last week and told me I had an appointment regarding physio and a time that a RN would call to discuss what medications I’m on, but nothing about an actual surgery date.

Cause yknow. It’s not like I’m going to be off work for 6+ weeks with no way of income other than Medical EI, which needs to be applied for ahead of time. Or that I’d need to tell my work so they could plan. Or just. Give me any peace of mind.

Ugh. I’m scared, and anxious, and slightly relieved. The next 14 days is going to be a lot, and I’m going to need help getting through them.

Thank you for reading up until now, and if you’re someone I talked to often and have ghosted on- I’m sorry. I’m thinking about you still, you’re important to me. I hope I haven’t made you wait, and if you have, thank you again.

-M

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #7 (plus some small but heartening accomplishments and a few other little frustrations)

Hmm... hmm... it’s hard to say how I’m feeling right now, a strange cocktail of refreshing see sawing determination with a little kick of spicy proudness mingled in with the usual bitterness of overhanging doubt and the chill of all those nerve-wracking fears. Tastes pretty terrible, probably an acquired taste, but unique non the less. I’m no expert at all, but I’ll give it a generous 2.3 stars overall.

Last week was... it was not so bad actually (or maybe that’s just cause I’ve forgotten a lot of it already lol). I pushed myself to try harder to do some of the things my counsellor wanted me to do, what I myself wanted to do and le gasp, it happened..! I guess her hard talk really did stir something good in me after all. To put it real brief right here for now, I went out a lot more than I usually would (just mundane stuff like shopping and supermarkets tho) and I did the phone orders thing!!!1! Not once but multiple times over three days! Yaaay! But this week I need to continue it and even one up it... boooo-- uh, I mean go me!! @w@

There were times I totally copped out though and it feels bad man as usual, but I at least tried and I was able to prove some of my presumptions and preconceived thoughts mostly wrong! It’s something! It’s a big step, an accomplishment for me, don’t downplay it silly me! *pats self on back and proceeds to go in hiding again- no no!* This week is already feeling a little bleak but I just have to toast it up a little, let myself get cosy in this newer environment by just being there and exposing myself to it more. C’mon, I can do it! ^^

Okay onto the actual counselling session, which was yesterday. I literally only just made it on time, phew haha. I was a little anxious going up to the room cause there were some other people around in the corridor but w/e no1currs really and that goes for every other situation everywhere else. When you’re absorbed and focused in what you’re doing like other people are and not constantly looking around and assuming people give a damn (which they don’t) then it’s all good!

Um, anyways she did the typical ‘how are you/have you been’ and I gave her my weekly self scoring sheet but also I told her I forgot to give her that self esteem sheet and presented that too. I told her of my achievements last week and she congratulated me, told me I needed to pat myself on the back more and that she’s glad last week actually helped get me off my butt (she said she felt kinda bad about it too, but not so much now that she saw it had a good effect kind of thing too ^^). I agree last week did help, though I definitely wouldn’t wanna go through that again though lol.

We went over the cycle from before real briefly just as a reminder that actually doing things is the best way to break it and to progress and I have this homework sheet consisting of a table with columns for my preconceived thoughts of a situation (which I am to score with a percentage I believe it), my emotions and feelings that arise, and my uhh re-scores and feelings after actually facing and going through the situation. I haven’t actually looked at the sheet since yesterday so I totally winged the explanation just then lol but it’s about linking thoughts and emotions and that’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m kinda nervous about filling it in and I’m leaving it to the end of the week to do it, which is bad, but I’ll at least know what to put in it better by then hopefully.

We went over some of the things I wrote on the self esteem sheet, some of my examples for the unhelpful negative behaviours and we discussed them for a while but only got through a few. She said she’d go over the other ones next time, we agreed I should continue to do what I did last week but maybe try even harder. (There’s lots of small details in the discussions which I can’t remember properly or can’t place in the right time slot rn oh welp ><”)

Then the session ended there (15 mins early) idk why though. But now that I think about it, maybe there was nothing else left to say or not much plan or other things needed to discuss in particular for the last 3 sessions so maybe just try and stretch what content we have on hand to discuss kind of thing? Or maybe she needed to go somewhere like the toilet? lol who knows xD 

I was feeling the session felt pretty short (my explanation also), but wasn’t all that bothered about it tbh, I’m not paying for it or anything and it gave me a little time to do other stuff before meeting with my sis. I plucked up the courage to go to a shop on my own again, I had a few things in mind that I actually wanted to look for which like the counsellor has said before will make it easier to motivate and immerse myself into doing things. I think I might write about this experience on the feelings-thoughts sheet. 

So, I went in, a little uneasy at first, but not as much as if it would have been a place I’ve never stepped foot into before. I perused at my leisure and tried my hardest not to be overly conscious of other people around, which I noted to myself do actually going about their own stuff and don’t pay you any mind at all which lessened the nerves a lot. I found some things I wanted, and this was another relief as I always get that niggling feeling that if I leave without buying they’ll think I stole something (but looking around the internets randomly, I came to know that this is a super common feeling which is comforting and I shouldn’t worry about it too much because so what if I didn’t buy anything, I just couldn’t find anything I wanted and that is totally fine!).

Partway in the last leg of my perusing, my sis phoned me and told me to hurry up and all that stuff and it kinda made me feel real antsy. I continued looking though at a slightly faster pace but she ended up calling outside and told me to hurry up even more and was waiting for me outside so I cut my browsing short and hurried to pay and felt pretty down about it. When paying I queued up behind a group of guys and felt self-conscious but well, they no care really and I got over it and ignored the thought. 

I went to the self serve till (the only kind open, so I wasn’t avoiding or anything) and proceeded to pay and I’m so glad I know how to use them as we use them most of the time my sis goes to the supermarket with me lol but I still was feeling pretty self-conscious and the ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ still gives me nerves and it happened twice to me but the assistant came over and fixed it straight away without me saying anything (which was a relief because I was feeling a little cowardly by then, but I would’ve been a little prouder of myself for actually asking).

I went with my sis to some other shops after that, I voiced that she was being quite mean on the phone and later she apologised, she was in a pretty bad mood in general and also the car park time wasn’t much and most of the bad feeling was dissolved. We then went to some other other shops with my mum in addition and I went off on my own to peruse which was nice though I couldn’t find anything I wanted, but it’s best not to waste monies on things I don’t need anyways. I got kind of sickly on the way home which wasn’t great but the general day was pretty alright.

There was somewhere else I wanted to go and me and my sis planned to go soon after but it was delayed and later I just kind of chickened out and took a nap instead :/ I was really tired and still sickly feeling though. I hope to get this sorted out this week still though, maybe I’ll tag along with my parents this time round, it’ll be okay! ^^

I also went to see a specialist doctor, I got a phone call for the appointment two days before the actual day (probably someone else cancelled) and I took it. I could’ve said no and waited even longer, but I didn’t, because health is important and should be dealt with asap! I wish I could bring myself to apply this to some of my other worries, but I’ll get there. Anyways it went alright, the typical general treatment route, but at least it’s something, now I’m waiting on my regular doc for the next steps. 

The kind of funny thing is though (in reference to my last post or maybe the one before it), is that I have been recommended to take anti-depressants (BUT not for depression) they happen to help with migraines and oversensitivity which affects me all the time pretty much. A lot of medicines help with other conditions they were not primarily made for, I only realised this in the recent years lol. I’m a little wary and I’m hoping that it’ll help, maybe even kill two birds with one stone, but if it doesn’t then oh welp and onto the next thing they recommend. I want to get better every way I can and there’s no harm trying (except maybe side effects ugh) it’s just the stigma thing again, it’s... complicated .__. But it’ll be okay!

In terms of my own art and online dabblings, I actually spent two of the days I did phone orders doodling and editing stuff a little. I wasn’t really going to draw anything seriously but my non serious doodle started off pretty alright and I continued it and finished it, which I kind of felt proud of as usually I start things and never finish them because I get scared to mess it up or think it’s not good enough. It has its flaws of course, I’m such a nit picky person and I know I need to improve, but looking past these things, I really like what I did and am glad I persevered and completed it.

I also tried posting something online, not on here, but I actually did it for once at least! It was nothing amazing, in fact it was really really lame, just a scrawl from another time but I still like it and that’s all that matters, right? Right! I was really struggling over what to write in the descriptions (much like how I spend ages agonising over writing comments) and still keep feeling iffy about what I wrote but it’s actually all fine, so I should stop worrying about it! Hear that silly me? Don���t fret and don’t regret, it’s fine so keep going! :D

Some people (very few) even liked my picture and one person even commented some thumbs up emojis. It’s really nice of them ;w; I don’t think they were bots and I looked at their pages too. The person that commented has a page full of beautiful art and idk I just felt like omg ahhhh they’re so much more amazing then me and super intimidated and wasn’t sure what to do about the comment and still haven’t done anything and it’s been a few days .__.

They probably like loads of peoples stuff though, and also there’s no obligation to have to like their stuff back (though I have a feeling that’s probably why they liked my awful doodle in the first place, to draw attention to their own page, but I shouldn’t assume, that’s bad, maybe they really thought my doodle was okay and kindly wanted to encourage, who knows). I think maybe I’ll like the comment at least, I don’t want to be rude >< I’m just scared that if I do go and like their stuff, I’ll feel obligated to always do it kind of thing, I’m still just so scared of interacting with people (also this person doesn’t speak english it seems and language barriers are my death, but this person didn’t mind it, so uh uh wait I’m being such a baby again ;____;)

I’m seriously overthinking things way too much again!! I get this feeling when I think of people that may have taken their time to read my posts or even the few people that have liked a post or two. I’m seriously very very grateful and would hug you if I could but I don’t know what to do from then and it just keeps swirling and nagging me inside and I’m so sorry >< Overthinking and social awkwardness will surely be the death of me. I need to stop all the uncertainty and what ifs and silly assumptions and just do what I feel! Why is it so hard..? ;^;

I actually got so scared I didn’t post the next small doodle I wanted to, but I need to get over it and just get it done and continue and post the things I’ve really really been wanting to post for months. No one actually cares about all the silly things I think they do, I can’t read minds and I can’t go one thinking that I can. The same for just people in general irl. I was actually a little proud that I was so self-conscious out in public as much recently, that I noticed people are too busy in their own world and that I’m silly for thinking they would expend the brain energy to linger on me negatively. Another mantra sort of thing I’ve been thinking is ‘IDGAF (and no one else does)’ lolol for reals, but it seems to be pretty effective so imma keep it! :>

Losing motivation and becoming disheartened is so easy. I’m going to continue small and simple and build up from there in every aspect and it’ll get easier and I’m gonna keep my grip real tight on that motivation and determination and soak in all my accomplishments no matter how small or insignificant they seem and convert them into even more positive energy! Imma do things!! Imma do lots of things and not get mad at myself even if I don’t manage to do some of them! Baby steps is the way to go! c:

Like always I get a bit apprehensive when writing these or even thinking of doing so, but they are actually very useful! I can sift through and explore my thoughts better now and I can help re-motivate and re-direction myself with them and I even think my writing and expression in general has gotten better! It’s a good thing, it’s an achievement! Be happy silly self! ^^

Worry just makes the world seem all the more scary. Break the cycle, break the cycle, snap it to pieces, crush it into dust and let it fly away in the wind and never return! >< Keep going, reach higher, climb further (without forgetting to take rest stops in between and continue onwards with renewed vigour) past the sky and the stars, you can do it! Moar fancy fancy motivation!! x3

I guess I’ll stop here, I think I’ve got most of the stuff down and there’s stuff I wanna do now that I’ve pieced my motivation back together some ^^ When I go to my drafts to write, I see the to do/dream list I wrote last time and it reminds me of all the things I could do, it definitely needs to be tidied up but it’s nice seeing it! I’m pumped! :3

I hope things go well for myself and everyone out there, go go!

Have a great evening! C:

[flipperbaby1975]

Anxiety and doubt. Get the fuck out

It's friday morning between xmas and new year. I have the week off and have been spending it with Missy. Things between us have been tough for the past 2 weeks. It all started when the boys and I went to Philly without her. Her daughter was supposed to spend the weekend with her at the house, along with her girlfriend and her daughter. Her mother suddenly changed her mind because of the terms of the agreement SHE wrote after she had Missy arrested last year. Missy was so depressed she didn't get out of bed for days and only did when the boys were here. During this time, we got in our first fight. I asked her if she wanted to go the gym and she flipped out. Asking why i wanted her to go the gym to badly. Was she too fat for me? I did tell her when we first got together i liked a fit woman and i was looking for a partner to come to the gym with me. Those words were coming back to haunt me. I love her, and i don't really care that much...as it's HER i love, not her body. We worked it out that night...but i found out last night it was Dawn who told her that afternoon that I told her that she was fatter than i normally go for. Dawn also told her that i don't find her attractive and this is totally typical of me. Ever since then we've been fighting pretty much nightly. Usually over my lying, cheating of a soon to be ex wife. I let her walk all over me. I'm not assertive in standing up for myself toward her. I only do anything to change it when she pisses Missy off...and I shouldn't need her to request me to finally do something to stop it. I say I hate her, yet I'm polite to her while on the phone the few times i talk to her (that's almost always when the boys are on her watch and one if them is really upset so she calls me to comfort them. Hence my polite and calming tone). Missy is the boys primary caretaker. She and I have custody of them at least 70% of the time. The few days she had off, Dawn was taking them BACK to our house, spending half the time texting her boyfriend. When Missy sent me an angry message about this, I was annoyed at Dawn. I demanded she give her key back (i already asked her once to give her key to Missy, she said she would. But instead told Miss that she would "make her copy" instead) and she got all pissy. She came back to the house, literally through the key at her, then went off about how she doesn't know yet what a dick I am. And she doesn't see how I talk to her...and the only reason I hate her so much is because "I'm still in love with her". First of all, that's funny considering she told ME that I NEVER loved her. And at this point, I wouldn't take that creepy bitch back if she begged me. Fool me once, shame on you, etc. But, her attempt to cause a rift between us worked pretty well, as it really caused Missy's insecurities to heighten. She has cried on several occasions thinking that I said she was ugly, and that she was always the hot girlfriend in all her relationships. And no amount of denials on my part could convince her otherwise. That breaks my heart. To think she could think this. The worst part is again ot always feels like our fights come out of nowhere. She had been drinking and smoking again and the fights always occur in the evening. As far as I can tell, we are having a nice light hearted conversation, when suddenly she changes the subject to my feelings toward her weight or how I won't stand up to Dawn.

There's another issue too. Nathaniel started a new pre school and his behavior is getting out of control. Right before the Christmas break he bashed another kids nose with a wooden object because "he wanted to be left alone" he got in trouble and the poor other kid's nose took a while to stop bleeding. Not even an hour later, he clocked another kid's head with a heavy book. Missy asked him why he did it and his answer was "I wanted to be left alone, and I'd do it again". Dude. I can not have a little sociopath for a son. But, i admit i haven't thought about it much until last night. After we left a nudie bar she suddenly went off about how i have done nothing to help him and she can't be the only one doing anything. I felt cornered and yelled. It was a stupid thing to do but i didn't understand how the conversation came up and why I was suddenly being yelled at. We talked it over when we got home and I conceded she was correct. I will be contacting the BCIU this coming week to make appointments for Nate to see a shrink or some other specialist.

This morning Missy went to check on her xanax bottle. She swore she had 10 left, but only had 3. So that made me look at my bottle of generic anxiety meds...of which i had none left. I literally took half a pill of one of them, and yet they were all gone. We both know Dawn stole them. I have no evidence but her anxiety medication addiction is getting out of hand. She refuses to get her own prescription too. Missy is currently asleep on the couch. Right before she went to sleep she sounded like she was pretending to ask Krypto is she took the meds, which I replied in the Hanna Barbarra dog voice that she was denying it. She suddenly started to go off how she could only get a finite amount before she could get more, and I refuse to do anything to stop Dawn from stealing it. I said "I was joking, as you were asking the dog if she took it" to which she replied "you're always joking. I'm getting tired of you not doing anything about this" i thought locking the doors and not having her over anymore should take care of the problem. Ugh. She is NOTHING but a constant source of stress on my relationship.

[nawafithme]

A Week In Austin, TX, On A $99,000 Joint Salary

Welcome toMoney Diaries , where we’re tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We’re asking millennials how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we’re tracking every last dollar.

Calling all entrepreneurs: We want to hear from you! If you’re a freelancer or self-employed, we’d love to feature your Money Diary. Submit here.

Today: an executive assistant working in manufacturing who makes $59,000 per year ($99,000 when combined with her husband) and spends some of her money this week on Cherry Coke Zero. We previously published a diary from this OP back in December 2017.

Occupation: Executive Assistant Industry: Manufacturing Age: 29 Location: Austin, TX My Salary: $59,000 My Husband’s Salary: $40,000 My Paycheck Amount (Biweekly): $1,660 (not including quarterly bonus) My Husband’s Paycheck Amount (Biweekly): $1,300

Monthly Expenses Mortgage: $1,550 (This includes property taxes and insurance.) Loans: $990 for two cars and one motorcycle and $100 for solar panels Electricity: $20 Gas: $15 Netflix: $12 (I share this with my BFF, and she shares her Hulu account with me.) Cell Phones: $100 Vivint Home Monitoring: $90 Car Insurance: $195 (Mine is $75, and my husband’s is $120.) Health Insurance: $32 (Through my work; covers me and my husband, plus a $20/paycheck contribution to HSA. My company puts $1,000/year in our HSA as well.) Husband’s Pension: This is awful but I don’t actually know how much they take from his check. He’s a firefighter and has no say in what gets taken out. I don’t contribute to my company’s 401(k) anymore. I previously did, but once my husband became a firefighter and gained the pension, I stopped. Savings: We have ~$20,000 in direct savings and ~$350,000 invested. The investment money came directly from an inheritance I received.

8:15 a.m. — Got to sleep in this morning because I have a doctor’s appointment. Normally I am onsite at work from 8 to 5, so I’ve low-key enjoyed having morning appointments during my pregnancy because I’ve gotten to sleep in. My husband hasn’t attended the majority of my appointments, but after a bit of arguing, he’s requested I schedule them when he isn’t working. So we get up and let the dogs out, I make myself a small breakfast of two turkey sausage links and a Babybel cheese, and then we head out. We drive separately because my doctor’s office is just down the road from my work.

9:30 a.m. — I check in at the doctor, and they ask if I’d like to make a payment. I know our HSA is basically empty since my company contribution has not yet hit, so I decide to just pay $125 today out of pocket. I know the $1,000 my company contributes to my HSA won’t cover these last two months of my pregnancy or the birth, so it makes no real difference if we pay out of pocket now or later. Luckily, my insurance has a $3,000 deductible and a $6,000 max out of pocket. So no matter what, these visits and the birth will be cheaper than my gallbladder surgery a few years ago. (I had horrific insurance then.) $125

10:30 a.m. — All done! This doctor is a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) specialist, because I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 23 weeks. My husband had never even been to her office yet, so this was a first for him. They do a full ultrasound every visit, and he very much enjoyed getting a glimpse of our baby girl. I’m 31 weeks as of today, so there was a lot to see compared to the last scan he saw at 20 weeks.

11 a.m. — I arrive at work just in time for lunch. I get to my desk, check to make sure I don’t have any urgent emails or IMs, and then head to the cafeteria. My company gives us $30 for lunch per month and then matches an additional $30, so my lunch doesn’t cost me anything. I haven’t had to pay $30 yet this month because last month was so full of catering that I had a significant amount of rollover. Today, the options are carbs, carbs, and more carbs. So, bunless burger and side salad for me. People have a ton of different opinions and advice on how to manage gestational diabetes. My specialist told me that if the only way I can manage during the day without meds is to eat minimal carbs, I should do that. As long as I’m eating and getting nutrients, the baby and I will be fine. I find my body can handle certain carbs (rice, corn, potatoes) way better than bread or pasta. If I have any bread, my levels are through the roof. ($5.75 expensed)

12:15 p.m. — I finally waddle my way back to my desk. I’ve started waddling over the last week or so, and it’s made me move even slower. My office is almost a quarter mile from the cafeteria. It’s good exercise for me and baby girl, but also UGH, I’m exhausted. I plop down in my chair, turn on my heater because pregnant me is always cold, and start checking my email.

5 p.m. — I’M OUT! I used to spend a lot of money randomly online shopping, but ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t had much to stuff to buy. We don’t want to buy too much before our shower next month.

5:30 p.m. — I need gas. I absolutely hate getting gas. I’m one of those people who is literally zero miles from empty before filling up. I’m almost home and want to just get gas in the morning, but I also don’t want to be out of gas and pregnant at 7 a.m. when my husband is an hour away at work. So I opt to not push my luck. $32.18

9 p.m. — After getting home, cooking dinner (carnitas in the Instant Pot), and watching a couple episodes of The Magicians with my husband, we start our bedtime routine. I got bangs a while back so I can no longer wash my hair at night, so I opt for just a body shower to make tomorrow morning go faster, wash my face with an H-E-B makeup remover wipe, and then slap on some random moisturizer. My skin is wicked dry always, so I’m currently using some random lotion from LUSH on my face. It was a gift, and all I know is my face isn’t super flakey. Luckily I haven’t had to deal with any hormonal acne *knock on wood*. Lights are out by 9:30.

Daily Total: $157.18

5:15 a.m. — My husband’s alarm goes off. Since my last Money Diary, he went through the Fire Academy and became a firefighter/EMT in a city about an hour away. I’m incredibly proud of him, but his schedule has been tough to get used to. He works 24 hours and then has 48 hours off. He has to be at the station by 6:45, which means he is always there no later than 6:35. He gets up and tries his best to get ready quietly, but I always wake up to give him a hug and a kiss and to say I love you and to tell him to be safe. He’s been working on shift for seven months and hasn’t seen a fire yet, but I always want him to stay safe out there. The problem is I can never fall asleep after he leaves. I used to, but this far along in pregnancy, as soon as I wake up I become harshly aware of all the pain in my hips and just lie there snuggling the dog until 6 when I get up and get ready.

8:15 a.m. — Nothing I had at home for breakfast sounded good, so I waddle over to the cafeteria for breakfast. I opt for a scoop of eggs, a sausage patty, and a Cherry Coke Zero. People have lots of opinions on diet soda to begin with, and it gets super extra if you’re pregnant. Step off world, pregnancy is hard enough as it is. ($2.75 expensed)

11 a.m. — Lunchtime. I waddle over to the cafeteria. Taco Tuesday, FTW! I get mine in a bowl with rice, chicken, pico, pickled red onions, and sour cream. Delicious. ($7.52 expensed)

2 p.m. — My baby shower is coming up, and I would ideally like to wear a new dress. I browse the internet’s pathetic selection of maternity clothes and find a dress that miiight work. $14.12

5:45 p.m. — Get home and let the dogs out. We have two rescue dogs, and they are our everything. They used to spend every day in their crates, but since my husband’s schedule has him home quite a bit, they only spend a max of two days a week in their crates. They are both crate-trained and have no issues in them — they are loved, spoiled, and very content with their lives.

8 p.m. — I let the dogs out, clean up from my dinner (meatballs and marinara), and within five minutes they’re both at the door like MOM IT’S BEDTIME LET’S GOOOO. We all head upstairs. I turn on the TV in our room, do some general cleaning, and then crawl in bed by 8:45. I call my husband to tell him goodnight, and we are all one big snuggle puddle all night long.

Daily Total: $14.12

6:30 a.m. — I get up, get ready, and let the dogs out. Then I heat up the last of the low-carb pumpkin muffins I made last week for breakfast. I let the dogs in and let them roam instead of putting them in their crates, since my husband will be home by 8 a.m. This is mostly because it’s still so early for them that they will just go upstairs and get back in bed. They can’t be trusted alone for more than about 45 minutes, though.

11 a.m. — My morning flies by. Out CEO is coming in a few days, and this morning my boss asked me to create some slides for a presentation for him. It’s kind of wild to know that you’re creating something that will be shown to the CEO. It is also a great confidence booster that he trusts me to create this content. I finish by lunchtime and then waddle over to the cafeteria. Options look bleh, so I just do salad bar. Spring mix, mushrooms, hard-boiled egg, and ranch. It’s fine. ($4.18 expensed)

5 p.m. — I try to not take the toll road very often because I discovered the hard way how much the bill can add up. But I miss my husband and want to get home ASAP, so here I come toll road and 80 mph speed limit. $2.07

5:25 p.m. — I get home in 25 minutes, and my husband immediately asks if I took the toll because I’m so early. He then asks what’s for dinner, because he’s been hungry for the last hour but didn’t want to ruin dinner by snacking. Dinner is chicken thighs stuffed with cheese and bacon, plus Brussels sprouts for me and broccoli cheddar pasta for him. It’s easy, and he helps make it all, so I don’t have to stand for 30 minutes. I normally do 95% of the cooking, because when we met, his philosophy about food was that he only cooked things that took less time to cook than to eat. He’s a big fan of Chef Mic(rowave).

9 p.m. — BEDTIME! Yes, even when neither of us has to get up before 6:30, we go to bed at 9 p.m. I don’t function well on less than eight hours of sleep. Having a newborn is gonna be awesome.

Daily Total: $2.07

7:30 a.m. — Sausage links and a Cherry Coke Zero on the drive to work this morning. There’s a ton of fog, and it takes longer than normal to get to work. Feeling grateful no one actually cares/notices if I’m 10 minutes late.

9:30 a.m. — Breakfast did not cut it this morning, and I’m desperate for a snack. I grab a mini Kind bar.

11 a.m. — Y’all know what time it is. Waddle over. Beef and broccoli it is. I want another Coke Zero, but I opt for water. I normally drink four bottles (20 ounces) of water a day at work plus random amounts at home, but I’ve found this hasn’t been enough and need to start drinking more. Have I mentioned I’m pregnant, and that it’s a pure joy? Ugh. ($6.86 expensed)

2 p.m. — The baby has decided to stretch in a way that genuinely feels like her tiny hand might pop out down there. This is wildly uncomfortable as you might imagine, so I get up and waddle around the office hoping she changes positions. It works, kind of. She moves but only to a mildly less uncomfortable position. I try to stretch a little, and my boss notices. He asks how I’m doing and asks if there’s anything I need to help make working less of a pain. He’s a nice guy.

5 p.m. — Headed home. I don’t have to cook tonight because we are having steak, the one thing I trust my husband to cook completely with no supervision. I get home, love on dogs, love on husband, and plop my ass on the couch. He lets me know when they’re almost done so I can get up and prep my salad. I have a steak Caesar, and it hits the spot. It’s also low enough in carbs and sugar and all that so I can have a spoonful of peanut butter for "dessert." In case you were wondering, one of my Christmas gifts was literally a full cheesecake that is waiting patiently in my freezer for my return from giving birth.

9 p.m. — Bedtime routine. Husband works tomorrow, and I feel like I’ve barely seen him. I get pouty and hormonal and proceed to cry in bed for a bit. It’s unproductive since there’s literally nothing we can do about it, but he snuggles me until I fall asleep.

Daily Total: $0

7:30 a.m. — TGIF! Drive to work, settle in, check email, and do general admin work things.

11 a.m. — Waddle waddle. Pork loin, salad, green beans for lunch. ($7.35 expensed)

3:30 p.m. — My husband is off all weekend, which is GREAT and only happens like once a month, so I order groceries online for curbside pickup tomorrow because I don’t want to spend an hour shopping. I’d rather spend the time doing something together. I order chicken thighs, breakfast sausage, eggs, milk, cheese, produce, soda, chips, etc. It adds up to almost $90 somehow, but our soft grocery budget is $125/week, so whatever. I fight my impulse to add stuff I want but don’t need since I’m under budget. I remind myself that as soon as I can drink again, these savings will come in handy. $87.35

5 p.m. — My best friend is coming over for dinner and works closer to my house than I do, so I take the toll road home so I can beat her there. We eat pesto chicken and stuffed mushrooms, chat about nothing, and lounge around. She’s that awesome friend who is happy to come over and do nothing with me. She’s also that friend who understands that taking off your pants definitely means you aren’t leaving the house again. My husband texts that he’s jealous he’s missing out because even though he’s generally not very social, he really likes my best friend because she’s entertaining AF and always has stories to tell. $2.07

8:45 p.m. — I guess I yawned one too many times, and my friend insists on going home so I can go to bed. I keep saying I’m not tired, but I’m not fooling anyone. Say goodbye, let dogs out, and crawl in bed.

Daily Total: $89.42

7:58 a.m. — Our girl dog can hear my husband’s car when it enters the neighborhood, and she immediately jumps up in excitement. DAD’S HOME! He comes in, comes upstairs, and crawls in bed with me. We proceed to sleep for another hour or so.

9:30 a.m. — We finally get out of bed and decide since it’s nice out we’ll take the dogs for a walk instead of just letting them run in the backyard. We don’t walk them much because our yard is very large, and they get plenty of exercise. Also, one of them has severe anxiety and walks can be super fun until they are super not. We take the small loop around the neighborhood. It’s about a half mile and about all I can handle. Pups don’t encounter any other pups or people, so anxiety stays at bay.

1 p.m. — Neither of us feel like cooking, so when I suggest Chipotle my husband is super down. We get in the car and drive over there. My husband inhales his burrito in three minutes. $19.45

2:30 p.m. — I drag my husband to Target after we eat because we need new bedding. Well, we don’t actually NEED it, but I hate what we have and want all-white bedding because I can bleach it if the dogs make a mess and my husband agrees. Of course, one cannot simply go to Target and get only what one came for, so we leave with new sheets, new slippers, a bath mat, a dog toy, and a super cute onesie for baby girl. $185.22

5 p.m. — After a few hours doing absolutely nothing, I decide to start dinner. Lemon chicken in the Instant Pot. My mom got me an Instant Pot for Christmas. I didn’t ask for it, but she thought it would come in handy when the baby comes, and she was right. This thing is awesome, and I love it. Thanks, Mom! You da best.

9 p.m. — We take bedtime super seriously in my house. And by we, I mean me and the dogs. 9 p.m. rolls around and to bed we go. My husband is playing computer games and says he will join us after one more. I throw a fit because apparently that’s who I am now. I cry and cry about how I go to bed alone when he works and I don’t want to do it if I don’t have to. I surprise myself with valid points, but he apologizes and admits he didn’t even think about that. He crawls in bed for snuggles and that’s that.

Daily Total: $204.67

9:30 a.m. — And we’re up. I let the dogs out and start cleaning. When my husband has Sundays off, we have a group of friends over to play Dungeons & Dragons. I’m not that nerdy and was never interested, but after my husband asked me for literally years to give it a shot, I finally said yes. It’s fun. I don’t love it the way he does, but I enjoy it enough to spend my Sunday playing it. We literally play all day. Everyone brings their own lunch usually and then we provide dinner for the group.

8:30 p.m. — Everyone has left for the evening. It was a fun day — we recently added my sister-in-law’s husband to our group, and he’s proven to be an awesome addition. My husband and I do our bedtime routine and discuss how the game went today. Lights out by 9:30.

Daily Total: $0

Money Diaries are meant to reflect individual women’s experiences and do not necessarily reflect Refinery29’s point of view. Refinery29 in no way encourages illegal activity or harmful behavior.

The first step to getting your financial life in order is tracking what you spend — to try on your own, check out our guide to managing your money every day. For more money diaries, click here. Have questions about how to submit or our publishing process? Read our Money Diaries FAQ doc here: r29.co/mdfaqs

Have you been working for at least 8 years and seen your salary increase or fluctuate? If so, fill out this form for a chance to be featured on our Salary Story series!

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?

Source Article

The post A Week In Austin, TX, On A $99,000 Joint Salary appeared first on A Basic Guide To Renting One Bedroom Apartments In Tallahassee.

Learn More: http://www.nawafith.net/a-week-in-austin-tx-on-a-99000-joint-salary/

[valkerymillenia]

Long long week

Just settling my thoughts of everything that has happened in the last several days.

So...A week ago I got two new piercings in a very delicate area. It’s supposed to take up to 6 months to heal but they already look halfway healed according to my experience with piercings... I might be mistaken but I’ve always healed quickly, just not this quickly.

Surprisingly enough, these little metal buggers sparked my libido back on, which had been pretty comatose thanks to all my medication. What an odd turn of events.

Meanwhile, my dad’s social security sick leave pay was almost cut because they wanted “updated medical reports”. Well, assholes, if you would hurry up with the process of actually getting him the specialist’s appointment before the old exams became obsolete, then we wouldn’t be in this predicament, now would we, morons?

But they shut up about it when I brought this up, they were also very rude and arrogant in wanting to exclude me from the meeting with my dad, stating that he hears “well enough” so I’m not needed. Five minutes later I was called back in to be the interpreter and take instructions for my deaf dad. Never seen an arrogant asshole wilt so fast before me in my life time.

Two days later we actually did have my dad’s specialist appointment for his knee. It was so freaking far away, so many trips, it’s a fortune just in petrol.

for those who are curious, 17 years ago my already deaf dad had a work accident at the metalwork factory where he works, it was christmas eve and pure negligence of the highest kind. His left leg was crushed but curiously the bones were ok, the tendons and muscles were not. So the company’s insurance doctor did surgery...and fucked up royally, he did a second surgery to fix the first and fucked up further. At this point the insurance company just didn’t want to be sued so they allowed my dad full free medical treatment with one of the best specialists in the country, but even this orthopedic surgeon said he couldn’t save the knee after so many screw ups so he did his best with another 2 surgeries and ton of intense physical therapy.

My dad never walked properly again and his leg was so scarred and so full of pins and screws that we nicknamed it the Frankenstein leg. 

After that he went back to work despite the permanent limp but although he’s only supposed to be the security guard and auxiliary help, they made him do heavy janitorial work too which slowly destroyed his leg further. Two years ago he started having spasms and sudden bouts of leg paralysis but chalked it up to age; last year his knee gave up completely and he was in such excruciating pain that they took him out of work.

Anyway, the current doctor looked at his exams but ordered another emergency x-ray. Some time later he and his assistant were going over a mountain of tests and paperwork and trying to explain to my dad what the next steps in recovery were... They gave up five minutes in and turned to me, I supplied all the data and answered all the questions with such clinical accuracy that I think the doctor was a bit at loss about how to treat me, in the end he took off the kid gloves and was leveled with me with brutal honesty.

My dad’s knee cartilage is gone, the tendons are tearing, the femur and tibia are grinding against each other, the kneecap is half the size it should be because it has been ground down to a shard of bone.

My dad is going to need intense physical therapy, a lot of cartilage-directed medication and in 3 months he will have surgery to REMOVE the screws and pins in his legs since at this point they are doing more harm than good. If the medication and treatment work he might be back to work soon and still have a year or two years before the next surgery (best case scenario) but the second  surgery WILL MOST DEFINITELY be needed at some point, whether it’s this year or in 2020- a complete knee prosthetic transplant. 

The surgery is free but we still don’t know the actual price of the prosthetic, basically his whole knee will be low-weight metal for bone and plastic for cartilage. More intense physical therapy and HOPEFULLY he will be able to work his last few years before retirement and be able to walk or even move without excruciating pain.

So yeah... A lot of heavy news that I had to explain painstakingly slowly to my dad and then repeat a dozen more times to other doctors, social workers, my grandma and relatives. It’s stressful as fuck after 10 hours in a far away hospital.

Meanwhile my dad also has another hearing appointment this week and again I have to go to help out.

Also, both my dad an I have appointments to our GP next week. He needs to renew his sick leave paperwork and I need...Well, we’ll see. A bunch of things really.

I was finally told which new psychiatrist I’m being considered for and am just waiting to be called for an appointment which I will then have to relay to my GP again. Gotta get this autism thing straight and I seriously suspect I’m going to be sent to a neurologist because of my neurological non-psychological symptoms. Let’s see how that shit goes.

I didn’t get the paid writing internship with an international magazine that I was practically already in. A last minute issue got me bumped into a waiting list.

On the other hand I gained sure steady work from a tattoo lifestyle magazine that is going international- I’m their official translator. Unfortunately they only print every three months. Ironically enough, I’ve actually been featured in this magazine for some modeling work my sister and I did at the Miss Vintage pageant in the Vintage Festival last year.

However, as luck may have it, my editor really likes my writing style and article ideas and has decided to also hire me a freelance writer for the magazine, rather than just a translator. Which is amazing if it works out.

On the other hand, fuck, between my dad’s meds and my own we are paying a fortune and bear in mind that medication here is a tenth of the price of it in the USA. So that just shows how much crap we need to keep functioning.

Meanwhile, my sister’s prom was last Saturday. She wanted me to do her make-up and be there as an escort and photographer but because of the issue with my dad I’m too far away and missed it... I honestly cried over this, both in disappointment and in pride, I saw some photos, she was so lovely, I’m so proud of her achievements.

Meanwhile I feel like I’m disappointing my boyfriend a lot lately because of these odd schedules and all the work I had this week, it took away a lot of the time I usually spend talking to him. I feel kinda bad... Fucking 7 hour time zone difference.

On the other hand, omfg, my other crush... Ugh, it hurts. I don’t want to say anything because the friendship we have is beautiful and I won’t make it awkward but she’s figuring out her sexuality and comes to me for advice... And I just want to smash my face on hers and kiss her and say “There! Did that help you figure things out?”. *breathes* Control, Rach, control.

A bunch of other things also happened but are minor at the moment. I may talk about them later or just forget them completely. I’m just so tired and overwhelmed.

Sorry for the mega rant.

[chemochronicles]

The Day That Happened. Gas station poop dilemmas and other stories: A Day in the Life with severe Chronic Graft vs Host Disease.

This is my gas station poop story. If you can’t handle it, I warmly invite you to stop reading.

First things first: a small update. I don’t have energy to write a full one, but this has been the hardest physical month of my life living daily with chronic GVHD thus far. I had a few different separate bad reactions a few weeks ago which put me in the ER, unable to open my eyes or mouth in all severe pain, or move my body without severe scleroderma skin hardening/tightening/cracking pain nonstop for around 5 days. My team wanted me to be an inpatient for two weeks for pain management and IV nutrition but they didn’t have any beds available. Thankfully it’s much more comfortable for me to be at home though with all of my autoimmune relief protocols so it worked out better. I’ll share a better update when I have less going on… the good news is though, I am seeing small results from the photopheresis blood treatments, my skin is improving little by little. Which means that they’re working for now, and we hope to see more improvements as the months pass! Please keep praying! I also had a little accident where I lost the first layer of my eye and now have large (not visible) wounds on the outer later, the last few days I haven’t been able to open them at all but thanks to the help of a friend I was able to get this finally put together! I am waiting to get an appointment to have these special PROSE (prosthetic) eye contact lenses made, as well as special blood serum tears spun from 30 viles of my own blood from the only clinic in California who offers this technology, in Irvine. What a blessing that I have this accessible to me! My eyes are so dry they’ve been unable to heal, and I can’t open my eyes at all without heavy pain killers. So please pray that my eyes would miraculously heal quicker than we expect, or that all of these processes would be expedited.  All of my issues are very specific and require specialists who book out pretty far in advance. 

Back to my story! 

The day that happened. 

The morning started off better than usual. My acupuncturist who has become one of my favorite people in the world lent me her very own healing mini biomat. She has a full sized Amethyst Biomat in her office that is amazing if you go 2-3x a week for chronic inflammatory health issues. But she wanted to see if using a portable size one at home each night might make a difference with all of my severe symptoms, so she let me borrow her personal one to try sleeping on and using whenever I have time at home during the day for two weeks. God is so kind to place so many sweet people in my life who are going out of their way to help me!

Not gonna lie, I was skeptical. I have tried many wellness tech devices in clinics and at home and didn’t expect much more of this one. But my goodness, does that thing make a world of a difference when you’re using it consistently for insomnia, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and so much more! I could sing it’s praises and would love to learn more about this technology so I can share more and help my other chronic pain suffering friends!

SPEAKING OF WHICH! Kathleen and I put together a little Spring Seasonal discount for my friends and readers, if you’re interested in trying the full sized Amethyst Healing Biomat that she has available to reserve for 30 minutes in her space. She’d like to extend a little discount to you as well as a free acupuncture consultation to those who are interested. She has helped me reverse many of my food allergies, other environmental sensitivities, and helps me SO much with my other severe symptoms as well, which all in turn has helped me along this path. She works a lot using acupressure with kids, helping them reverse their health issues by balancing out their allergies! She’s a wonderful resource that I’d be selfish to keep to myself! I love it when my friends are able to both be helped and also supported by the people who’ve helped me! I’ll share details at the bottom! ♥️

Anyways. I was pleasantly surprised and a complete believer after using it every day for two weeks. So when most mornings I wake up feeling like I got hit by a train until I wait for pain relief to kick in, I woke up feeling better than I had in months. I was only in 5/10 pain as opposed to the usual 7/10. My sandpaper eyes were still glued shut but once I finished my two hour morning biohacking wellness routine I was ready to leave the house less tempted to have a bad attitude, which is everything for me these days!

Earlier that week a sweet friend dropped off the most amazing Julia Child worthy home baked rotisserie chicken, to which I used the leftover bones to make some pretty incredible broth! I was feeling blessings surrounding me from every side in the midst of all of those storms raging. I hadn’t been able to eat solid food in over a month or two and haven’t been able to function (eat / drink / talk / + constant sharp pain caused by ulcers, scleroderma hardening & tightening limiting the ability to swallow and also meanwhile thinning of the mucous membrane lining of my cheeks and tongue and other inside skin, causing severe sensitivity to even water) without lidocaine for a few weeks. So any taste of flavor without tears was a major win! My mom came and picked me up around noon to leave to see my natural doctor. She’s 90, and a naturopath with PhD’s in nutrition and biochemistry and is also a super sweet believer who works within the field of energy medicine, along with analyzing blood work and balancing the body using Russian astronaut biofeedback technology. (I could nerd OUT about wellness tech, guys. All day LONG!)

She has saved my life SEVERAL times over the last 8 years in some seriously hard times when the field of medicine wasn’t able to! So the morning was GOOD! It took me an hour and a half on the drive there to drink my bone broth with small bites of fresh soft sourdough with ghee on top for lunch. It only hurt maybe 4/10 instead of the usual 8!!! But I FINISHED it! It was the first meal I completed since I couldn’t remember! I played Oh Happy Day and rejoiced at that win for a few minutes.

The appointment was wonderful as always but super long because she invests time and care into each patient. I was drained. And by drained, I mean I couldn’t open my eyes, mouth, or lift a finger. When I say drained, I mean debilitating exhaustion caused by adrenal failure (what happens when you take steroids for too long, but that’s also how they TREAT GVHD! So. It’s a pickle that I’m in! We were parked on the freeway at 6:30pm. My GVHD of the GI tract decided to take its vengeance out on me at this pinnacle moment… we stopped at a Starbucks just in time… it’s hard to move because scleroderma has hardened and tightened the skin on my body from the neck down, and sometimes that causes people to eventually be in wheelchairs or on oxygen because of the loss of mobility. So I’m fighting hard against that with physical therapy and everything else… but the struggle is real!

We get back on the freeway, and sure enough, I feel another rumble. We hurry off to a well lit gas station. I hurry in and ask the Lord to please help me NOT recreate any dumb and dumber scenes. I guess this is my life now. This is fine. Ugh, do I have to start wearing depends? Does this mean I can’t wear my beloved leggings anymore? Who am I?! All these thoughts keep running through my mind. This is not my home.

This. Is. Not. My. Home.

A grizzly looking man with an eye patch and a reflective neon yellow vest with the bathroom key walks past me into the bathroom. He looks at me as he closes the door with a dirty looking gender neutral sign hanging on the back. I look nervous. He looks like the kind of man who might intentionally miss his aim. Excellent.

I’m dizzy so I lean against a magazine stand, close my eyes and continue to pour my heart out to my Counselor through each tummy grumble… in that moment, when life just felt unbearable… I was just so done. I love Caleb. I adore him. I would give absolutely anything to make him happy. My love for him and my fear of God are what keeps me motivated to stay alive and fight every minute of the day. And it’s a true driving motivation.

But in that moment… I was selfish. It was cold. My joints have been getting severely painful in the cold, it makes me shiver and have trouble breathing and then I start to panic. I was begging God to help me not have an accident right there on that gas station store floor. I asked God to please help me not catch any of these nasty germs that I was unable to fight off in this dirty bathroom. Asking Him to give me strength to breathe through the cold, strength to breathe through my anxiety, through the scleroderma breathing issues and grant me enough range of mobility in my skin during those few cold steps to the bathroom without crying from the joint, skin, lung, ulcer, eye, mouth and tummy pain. So in that moment… and in light of all the thousands of moments each day perfectly mimicking that one… I begged God to please, just let some crazy psycho come in and just shoot me in the back of the head really nice, painless and fast (Don’t worry friends I’m not remotely suicidal).

It’s funny the things you start to pray for when your body is failing.

It seems trivial now to pray for things like my finger nails to stop falling out, my hair to grow back, to be able to wear jeans and heels again… To attend church, to serve, to live, to be a mother someday… when in the same breath each minute, I’m also asking God to grant me the strength to help me take another step, another breath, and help me to chew and swallow an entire meal in without a single tear or regurgitation.

Life is a funny thing.

And I also say that, with 100% peace, assurance, confidence and joy. I am rejoicing in HOPE in JESUS through every impossible step.

Guys, I’m THIS low, there’s no confident end in sight. This is just my life now. I don’t know if I’m going to have to suffer with this for another long and painful 50 years like Joni Earickson Tada has had to endure, if I’m going to happily die and see my Savior’s face next year or if I’m going to happily heal and God will use Caleb and I mightily together here until it’s time to go to the comfort and glorious perfection of Home.

But in light of Romans 8, I have never been able to say more confidently that God is good. In light of THAT, I can truly laugh at the days to come! Proverbs 31:25. So if you’re truly a believer, stop complaining. You’re gonna be fine. Rejoice in hope!

Anyways. Icky grizzly man walks out and hands me your typical long black gas station bathroom key holder and key. They’re wet. And there’s no napkins in there. I’m still asking Jesus for help throughout this entire process because without His strength I, millennially, just “CANT EVEN.“

So there I am.

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

LITERALLY. 💩

Thinking that the door is locked… because… I have the lock and key. And that’s how those things work.

So there I am… giving my body the release it needed… when BOOM. The door SWINGS NICE AND WIDE OPEN.

I’m not usually abrupt in that type of a situation when I know it’s an accident. But this girl, probably around my age lingered way too long with that door wide open for all to see so I yell at her, “CLOSE THE DOOR! I’m sorry! I thought it was locked! Please close it!!! CLOSE IT! PLEASE CLOSE IT! CLOSE THE DOOR!” Oh my gosh, does this girl not speak English? Hmm.. I’m trying to frantically remember Spanish (to which I failed in high school twice) and draw an unsurprising blank. Isn’t this common sense!? Can she not see and smell what is happening right now!?!?

This girl had to have been on something. Because she just gives me this entitled expression and says, “ummm I have to go!?!?”

I tell her again, “You need to wait! Close the door! CLOSE THE DOOR PLEASE! PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR! GET OUT!”

Oh Lord help me.

Oh my gosh people. Meanwhile. REAL LIFE IS HAPPENING AND THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN FOR ALL THE GAS STATION CUSTOMERS TO SEE MY EXPOSED SELF AND MY SCENT IS NOT REMOTELY RESEMBLING IT’S USUALLY BEAUTIFUL AROMA AND OH MY GOSH CAN LIFE POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE RIGHT NOW.

The door swings wide open and closed maybe 10 times. She keeps repeating herself. Many expletives  are running through my mind but none seem adequate or appropriate to say out loud as I was literally just talking to Jesus like 30 seconds ago. I finish, clean myself up and try to exit the bathroom but she stops me at the door and gets in my face and says…

CAN I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS?!

And at this point I’m just GIDDY! I mean come on, this is COMEDY GOLD.

WHAT IS MY LIFE!?!? 😂

So I respond by saying… I AM SO SICK AND YOU JUST RAN ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH DIARRHEA, NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE FIVE DOLLARS.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

But you guys, this entire day was worth it because of that moment. And that story. Because who else can say that they’ve literally been ran out of a gas station bathroom with diarrhea AND heckled for money at the same time!?

I win. 👍🏻

And that, my friends, is my gas station poop story. That was just another average day in my life! What else can you do but embrace the inevitable chaos? God likes slapstick potty humor too I guess, haha.😂.

The struggle is real. But so is Jesus.

The end.

PS.

My acupuncturist Kathleen and I put together a little Spring Seasonal discount for my friends and readers. If you’re interested in trying the full sized Amethyst Healing Biomat to see if it’d help with any of your chronic pain, inflammation issues, or just would like a nice, warm & quiet rejuvenating 30 minute self care treatment, she would like to extend a little discount to you guys! If you call her office which is in a shared wellness center in Canyon Country 661-252-4100 and schedule your first biomat session with Kennealley Acupuncture, mention me (Elisabeth Effinger) or my Chemo Chronicles blog. From March 20 through June 20 you’ll recurve a 30 minute relaxing, warm pain relieving biomat session for $20 instead of $35 and a free 20 minute acupuncture consultation. If you or any of your children or family members struggle with food sensitivities or unexplainable symptoms, she might be able to help you too. She is certified in an allergy elimination technique, she’s actually helped a LOT of kids and families in the SCV area by helping remove food allergies using acupuncture (or acupressure for kids).

[canaryatlaw]

So, all around today was pretty good for a Monday. I really did not want to get out of bed when my alarm went off because I was tired AF, despite trying to go to sleep "earlier" (I think I ultimately turned the lights off around 12:30- it's 1 am right now 😑) and it took me 6 minutes to convince myself to get out of bed but I did it and got ready. Bus to work, checked in with my boss and she asked if I wanted to go to a CIPP with her at 10, so we left for that shortly after. She's kind of perpetually late to everything, so we were a bit late since it was a bit of a drive, and at the beginning there was this whole discussion if we should proceed without the child team specialist and they were like yeah okay let's do it, then spent half an hour talking about stuff before concluding we did need the child team specialist and having to pick another date for the end of July to do that, so basically it was a HUGE waste of time. We did get the paperwork though that we hadn't gotten before, all the info we had was that these were 4 and 5 year old siblings who had a neurological that apparently recommended residential. Residential for 4 and 5 year olds???? It's not unheard of, I've seen it before, but it's a pretty extreme measure. So I'm reading through the paperwork while they're meeting, and while these kids obviously have fairly severe behavioral problems, they're both diagnosed as on the autism spectrum and have what's considered "extremely low" IQ's (60's and 70's I think) they in no way qualify for residential, they just need a specialized placement. Ugh. So then we get back to the office and my boss has a message from the caseworker about some allegation of corporal punishment, so she had me call her back and apparently the caseworker had gone to see the kids who had said the foster moms adopted daughter hit them, when she asked the foster mom about it she balked and prompted said she wanted the kids removed. GREAT. So now they have to find another placement for them they might get removed from as soon as they get approved for specialization. Lovely. My boss asked me what I thought about separating the siblings, because there was a lot of stuff in the paperwork about them setting each other off and being aggressive and physically violent with each other, and I had mixed feelings, partially due to my own experiences with siblings. On one hand they're one of the only stable pieces of each other's lives at such a young age, but if them being together is making their behaviors worse it might be in their best interest to separate them. So I was really torn on that. But anyway, I ate lunch and then spent another hour or so in the office sending certified letters and making some other phone calls before heading back out for a meeting at 4 that we apparently underestimated the distance of, lol. Our judge is out this week so we're gonna be going into the field a lot. We ended up driving for a solid hour and a half thanks to traffic, and had to start the meeting via cell phone with me furiously taking notes in the passengers seat while my boss drove. Eventually we got there, it was at the dad's apartment regarding extending visits to overnights since the girl is 18 and very much wants to return home. They both said they'd be cooperative with whatever services, and it looks like a promising situation. Apparently the girl has had a lot of behavioral issues in the past but is now doing much better? So hopefully that will last. Very strange case, it apparently came in because the dad left the kids home alone while he had to go to court because they wouldn't go to school, but they weren't even that young??? Like preteen and teen, so I don't really understand why that was screened in. The dad and daughter both obviously had at least moderate cognitive delays, the dad had reportedly suffered a brain injury at some point, but overall seemed competent to take care of an 18 year old who's pretty damn independent (I mean it's not like taking care of a newborn) and I mean he can hold down a job and an apartment and drive, so that's gotta count for something. So that was ultimately productive and we agreed we'd go to the judge to ask for a change in the visiting order to include overnights. By the time we got out of there it was like 6, and my boss and I were both losing it a little just being silly, so we stopped at Dairy Queen because we felt like we deserved ice cream, so she bought me a cotton candy blizzard that was delicious, even if it probably hurt my stomach. I have my sort of period (my not really supposed to be happening because of birth control but I took the placebo pills this month because I was running out and for once it decided it wanted to bleed so here we are) so my stomach was kind of unsettled from that all day, not too crampy or unbearable thank GOD (I would've died) but enough for a decent amount of irritation. Sigh. Oh well, I should be getting more BC soon and hopefully that will end it. Anyway, my boss drove me back to the end of the blue line on the western edge of the city since we were way out west and she lives out there anyway, and we hit a decent amount of traffic so it took like an hour, but it could've been worse. So I took that up through the loop and back out to meet my bus like I do when I'm coming home from church (except I was a lot further west on the blue line to start with). I ended up getting home around 8:15, which is only slightly ridiculous haha but I wasn't too mad. Had dinner and chilled for a bit, then talked to my sister on the phone for about 15 minutes. Her boyfriend, who I disapproved of and was trying to get her to dump while I was there broke up with her a few days ago, and she wasn't too upset but I was still reassuring her the pain would of course go away with time and she'll be fine before she knows it, because that's very much her personality, and I don't doubt that she will be. Damn I love that kid so much, and it made me happy that she came to me about it. She's going to North Carolina to visit with our cousins down there tomorrow, so that should be some good time away from everything for her (including our parents, since she's apparently still fighting with our mom like crazy, I have to make sure our mom calls the therapist to set up and appointment for her). After I got off the phone with her I watched Kubo and The Two Strings with my roommate since she was home, and ohmygosh this movie was so cute!!! I loved it. By the end I was making audible squee-ing noises because I just couldn't take how adorable it was. And the story was really so well done! All around great movie, very adventurous plot and plenty of heart, I definitely recommend it to just about everybody. And yeah, after that I started getting ready for bed. This was longer than I would've liked but it's not quite yet 1:30 am so I'll take it, and I'll take as much sleep as I can get so I'll be going to do that now. Goodnight ladies and gents. Stay classy.