#This is life || Just Zaira Bitching about life

[zairas-realm-gateway]

The year has started off so wrong already.

I’m so very tired.

My dad lost his job and is too old to get a new one.

My grandma refuses to give my dad his inheritance.

My cousin’s dog is dying of cancer and the emotional toll is crushing my cousin.

I have a class where if I miss a single quiz, I’ll fuckin’ fail.

And now... Now I feel so alone.

So very alone.

Something seems to have turned sour when I thought it was still sweet. My beloved would rather me not be in their life right now without even a word of warning. 5 years we’ve been soulmates and suddenly that’s just not true?

I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. If I even have done something wrong.

I don’t think that I have. I just worry someone has hurt them.

I keep going to talk to them because I feel so rotten and molten and sludgey inside. Only to remember they’re not there anymore.

I thought I was being loving and considerate. I thought I was checking in on them enough. 

We were supposed to have a date this past sunday but they never showed up. Now they won’t take my messages.

Well, I’ll continue on with my life and hope they’re happy in theirs.

I’m far too tired for all of this.

[leelee10898]

No Control

Gonna blame One Direction yet again for this.. This Idea popped in my head the same day that You & I did.... so here ya go.. Also if you. aren't a 1D fan... im sorry LOL.. But at least enjoy the fluffy gooey Colt moment!!

7,8,9,10

Colt huffed, finishing his last set and setting the weights down. He worked out.. alot, more on days where his mind could not shut off, Where his every thought was consumed by her. It had been 1 month since he had seen her last, her hair was different,  her makeup was excessive, and if she had been someone he had seen randomly on the street, he wouldn't even recognize her… but those eyes. Those eyes we're the only thing that mattered. 

What he wouldn't give to be on the outside right now, to hold her,  feel the softness of her skin against his. To press his lips tightly against hers, the ache to be with her almost too much to bare, but in here he had to be strong,  always vigilant. He made his way back to his cell, waiting for the metal door to click shut as he tossed himself onto his bunk. One positive thing about the entire shitty situation he landed himself in was he had no cellly, no bunk mate if you will, And no one to beat to a pulp when they thought they could go up against him. His last one tried and failed. He did not leave visible marks, he didn't cause a scene Colt was smart, savvy, and calculating.

The bed shifted above him late one night, he knew what was coming and he was ready. As the man lurched over him, he kicked his foot out with all his might, right into the center of his stomach sending him flying back. He jumped out of bed stealthily gripping the man up and holding him against the wall, both arms pinned behind his back. "One move and I will end you right here, I can make it look like an accident.  You suddenly stopped breathing in your sleep." He seethed. "Im sorry. Im sorry. Dont kill me. I'll tell you everything you need to know." His cellmate squealed quickly, folding like a piece of paper.  

Colt had big dreams, he wanted to be the king of L.A. he wanted to take the reigns of the MPC and rule with his Queen by his side. The more time he sat in that cell with the days and months passing by at a snails pace, the more he thought of another life, one beyond the thugging and gangs. A small house somewhere in the suburbs with 2 or 3 kids running around.  He would open Kaneko Autobody there and he and Ellie could live the life she deserved. 

 He would move heaven and earth for that girl, just to make her happy.  He remembered the time he knew he had fallen for her, the exact moment he knew that he was completely head over heels in love with Ellie Martin. 

********

The rest of the crew were out on a job, they wouldn't be back until the next day. Ellie and Colt were ordered to stay behind and watch the shop, a bitch job that Colt hated. Ellie walked over to the couch in the makeshift living room of the garage, grabbing the remote from his hands. "Hey, what the hell?" he snapped, turning his body towards her. She gave him a smug little smirk as she started clicking through the channels. "So what, you think you can just flop down and take control of the tv because you're cute?" His eyes wide, a piece of popcorn stuck to the corner of his mouth. 

"You just said I was cute." She smirked, she was challenging him and he knew it. She had been the only person he found to challenge him, a fact he bith loathed and also secretly liked and she had just made him slip up. 

"I was watching that." 

"Annnd now you're not!" He could see the corners of her lips curl up as she kept her eyes on the tv screen. 

"I could take it back. Just like that." He snapped his fingers.  

"Mmmhmmm." 

Colt began to get irritated, she knew exactly how to push his buttons and she did it well. 

He let out a furious growl as he pounced, pushing her down onto the cushions, pinning her hands above her head. The remote clattered to the floor as she stared back at him wide eyed, wiggling underneath him. "Let me go or else." She giggled, prompting him to roll his eyes. "Oh. Yeah. So frightening." He snorted. 

"I could make you." She challenged. 

"No offense sweetheart but, I kind of have the upper hand here." His face inches from hers. She lifted her head slightly, her lips pressing against his catching him off guard.  He let go of her hands, cupping her face gently as he deepened the kiss, the task of reclaiming the tv remote all but forgotten. 

The next thing he knew he was on the floor, Ellie reaching down grabbing the remote and continuing her clicking. Colt sat there dazed, what had just happened? He climbed back onto the couch, Ellie scooted over nuzzling into his side. He threw his arm around her as she sunk into his embrace.  "So what are we watching?" Just like that, he folded.

The next morning he woke up to the sound of her phone. Music from the speakers.  Oh god, not this shit again He silently groaned at the familiar voices of her favorite band. 

Waking up

Beside you I'm my loaded gun

I can't contain this anymore

I'm all yours

I've got no control

No control

Powerless

And I don't care it's obvious

I just can't get enough of you

The pedal's down, my eyes are closed

No control

The lyrics resounding in his head. He looked over at her sleeping peacefully next to him on the couch.. he hated the music, but one thing was for sure. The pedal was definitely down, full speed, he was all hers. He had no control anymore, he was in love with her... absolutely and irrevocably head over heels in love.

**********

The sound of his door clicking open for chow pulled him from his thoughts. Five more months to go, and he would be with her again.. All hers, for he still had no control when it came to her.

ROD

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[zcira-blog]

can you do a "what it would be like" dating your muse?

if u wanna be zairas main bitch ( second 2 tristan tho bc bffs 5eva ) u gotta love cats 

bc zaira talks about cats all the time

u will be sent adorable pictures and videos of cats and kittens at all hours

cats are the only children zaira ever rlly wants

u will end up owning 2345678 cats and probably get kicked out of the bed so the cats can sleep on it w zaira

mumbled “fuck offs” in the mornings if u try to wake xem up before 10am minimum

zairas grey romantic and grey sexual so if xes romantically or sexually interested in u considered yourself one lucky af person 

the sexual part doesnt rlly happen too often tho so if you’re a big sex fan don’t date zaira

sensual tho??? will kiss u and things 

zairas p gay tbh kind of not fond of cis dudes 

“i want to take your clothes off” “please fold them neatly” 

will send u / tag u in memes and posts all the time being like “US” or “U @ ME” etc

tell u xe loves u? nah, you’ll get tagged in memes instead 

zairas a p good cook so excellent food all the time

‘light bullying is affection’ kind of date friend

tbh its just like being zairas best friend rlly??

“coffee date tomorrow im asking but also telling”

zaira loves coffee. is always drinking coffee. up way too late at night bc xe was drinking coffee again 

will make u coffee all the time

coffee + alcohol 👌👌 coffee and ice cream 👌👌👌

behind hugs where zaira rests xir chin on ur shoulder

if u pull weird faces will 10/10 pull even weirder faces right back

feet in ur lap all the time if youre on the couch together

excellent at organisation and will organise your entire house for u tbh

netflix and ice cream and WINE. better yet, alcoholic ice cream  👌👌 👌

lots of laughing over dumb shit

like sends u links to things that make u spit out your drink when youre at work and really cannot be laughing this hard

constant roasting 

pet names in mandarin except theyre not pet names theyre insults but affectionately 

have i mention u will have 543256 cat children 

when xe compliments u, you’ll get genuine ones that go deeper than mere looks based ones? ‘beautiful is a lousy and lazy way to describe me’

will love u 500% because zaira doesnt know what it means to half ass stuff but don’t expect zairas world to revolve around u because this kid has shit to do, ambitchious kid, world cat domination to plan and such, best friends to adore and cats to worship – basically zaira has a life, and youre welcome to share it, but you will never be  xir life and xe will drop u so fast if you try to consume it 

[zairas-realm-gateway]

Me: God, I’ll never play Sniper again. I’m so awful with him.

TF2: *Starts Scream Fortress*

Me: *pulls a Strange Sniper cosmetic and his zombie lizard from contracts*

Me: *scream* Fuck, fine, I’ll play Sniper. geez!

[zairas-realm-gateway]

TFW it’s finals and you’re not on ADHD meds and takin’ one too many classes and you only have 4 days to get 4 projects done and your mom’s hurt and sounds won’t stop happening outside your window and you’re just an anxious, nauseous  wreck as you write your essay...

[zairas-realm-gateway]

My brain is slowly returning to it’s creative nature. I really wish it would hurry the fuck up though! I really miss RPing. 

Herbert!Muse’s getting pissy that my passion has dwindled, he’s got stuff to reanimate. And I really miss playing Luffy too.

Man I miss RPing...

C’mon brain, we can’t sustain myself on Discord TF2 RPs forever...

Sigh.

Stupid university. Bringin’ me down....

[zairas-realm-gateway]

I feel like I get the strangest anxiety while playing TF2:

- Me: Oh, I need to practice scout so that my aim can get better and I can use these fun cosmetics. ...oh, but wait, I shouldn’t play scout because my aim is bad... Would hate to be a drag on the team because I can’t hit a target and I’m not threatening in the least as a scout...

-Me: I should really practice sniper because my sense of self preservation is horrid and being forced to stay back would help me. Plus I just got a Strange Haunted cosmetic I want to use! ...Oh, but wait, no. The only people who play Sniper are either good or a bot. So, can’t do that.

- Me: Man, I really want to play MvM! ...Oh, no, wait... Shouldn’t do that because I’ve only played once before I took my TF2 break 5 years ago and the only character I have for it is Demo and my aim isn’t trustworthy yet.

- Me: I’m playing Pyro and I’m obviously spychecking in a game with like 3 friggin’ spies and all our engies/medics are suffering but no, I should really enter combat because otherwise people are going to get mad because like one dude a 100 matches ago got mad at me for not rushing the enemy team one time when I was obviously spychecking.

---

lol so I just end up playing the same three characters in Payload and KOTH. I’m very happy with those three characters and those levels but the curiosity always picks at my brain like a vulture. *Shakes head*

One day I’ll overcome my anxiety! Mark my words

[zairas-realm-gateway]

This is so frustrating. I have been drawing the same character for almost 8 panels in this comic so far and he looks different in every. fucking. panel!

God, why can’t I just be consistent?

[zairas-realm-gateway]

Me, working on my essay for class: yes, because thinking/writing about how Americans have fucked over and abused disabled people from 1800-1945 is exactly how I want to spend my beautiful monday morning....

[zairas-realm-gateway]

Hmmm I think I missed a dose or two of my meds. Because the existential dread of “wow, I really fuckin’ suck at every single of my own hobbies” has really started to kick in...

[zairas-realm-gateway]

It’s really frustrating that weed is just this hilarious joke that everyone seems to communicate in. And I just can’t do it. Sure, I find some stoner characters funny but for the most part seeing non-stoner characters used in weed jokes just makes me feel upset and squirmy.

Not that I have anything against people who smoke weed. Do what you will.

I just... I guess that since I had a terrible experience with weed smoke that I honestly hate the stuff. I’ve never used weed but one of my neighbors used to. I live in an apartment. They used to use so much of the stuff that the smell and some of the smoke would seep into my apartment, filling the rooms. 

It got so bad that each day I would have to lock myself in my room and block the underside of the door  the whole night, every night. This was because the smell and the smoke would give me severe asthma attacks and made my lungs feel like they were burning.

All in all, I just kinda feel dumb that like 85% of weed-themes jokes/pics make me uncomfortable. 

it’s a strange sensation.

[zairas-realm-gateway]

Today is my last day of Spring Break

And what an unrestful holiday it was...

Sure, I didn’t do any homework this week but my mental health seems worse from wear.

You see, I spent my break taking care of my parents in their gross, decrepit house. Their mental and physical health is not great. I volunteered to help out and take some stress off them. Because apparently I like to suffer.

This is the house of my childhood. Though I have good memories in this house, I also have a lot of shitty ones too. A lot. 

Nowadays, this house is like a shrine to soul-sucking misery! The floors are splintered plywood that force you to wear shoes or suffer rotting wood stuck in your feet. Literally every sink faucet leaks in its own unique way. Dirty cobwebs cling to the walls and ceiling. The kitchen stays eternally dirty no matter how much you clean it. There’s grime, mold, and various forms of sludge on most stone or tile surfaces. Oh! and the floor in the bathroom has rotted away because of leaky pipes.

This house sounds like something out of a horror movie sometimes when I describe it. But at least I got to spend a lot of time with my dog (she lives with my parents).

Anyway, I got here last sunday. I made it to thursday being pretty productive and surviving despite how my mother’s voice grates constantly on my already frayed nerves. But by thursday night, my mood began to tank as my emotional energy reserves began to deplete. It’s been a very exhausting time since thursday.

My depression’s acting up. I’m disinterested in hobbies, always physically and emotionally exhausted, generally just moody.

So, thank god I get to go home today. I just want to lock myself in my room and crash for a few days. we’ll see how that goes.

I am so wrung out and drained...

But, at least my parents appreciated the help.

[zairas-realm-gateway]

it’s very difficult to stave crippling depression when the world seems to be crumbling around you.

It’s bad enough that my family’s having health problems but webpage with a link to the news also wants to shove down my throat that the world is burning for the 3rd year in a row

[zairas-realm-gateway]

God, I’m having a hard night.

It’s difficult not just telling my grandmother, all this homework, and my mother’s tumor “fuck you!” and then just ditching my responsibilities to go draw.

God I want to stop being a student. I want my grandmother to give a shit about my quality of life. I want to stop thinking about my mother’s many, many, *many* health problems.

I just want a break.

[zairas-realm-gateway]

I’m not usually for being depressed around Christmas. I love Christmas

But this year is very hard. I’m so glad I have friends and family to help me through this difficult time as I work to keep the spirits of my sister and her boyfriend up.

Happy holidays, everyone.

Don’t more than you can handle and don’t go getting sick.

on the plus side, it’s really nice that my art’s coming together. I’m finally starting to like it.

[zairas-realm-gateway]

This month has gotten increasingly shitty from nightmare finals to fighting with my mom to my sister’s boyfriend (our roommate) getting suspended from work to us having to cancel out christmas trip and my mom falling in front of her house.

Thank god, no one’s died. 

Just, please... Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, guys.

love you all. *holds up heart-shape with hands*