#The Kindly Brontosaurus Technique

[leam1983]

I call this the "Kindly Brontosaurus" technique. As to why, it's because there's a physical add-on in case of person-to-person IRL interactions. It's pretty basic: imagine that you're a massive, hulking and harmless herbivore with exactly two working brain cells and a heart that's overflowing with love and kindness for your fellow man.

You'll find that your tone mellows, that you turn infinitely patient without feeling condescending to the other person, and if you add postural cues to the assault, you can sway them even further. In my case, I tend to keep my hands on the closest-available surface, slightly overlapping like we're back in the early 1940s being taught by nuns and vicars.

Ask a ton of questions, but keep your tone soft. Congratulate your hapless bean-counter of the moment for the slightest uptick in administrative intelligence. Enunciate everything as clearly as you can, and work your bean-counter through the simplest of problems.

Of course, this only works if you know for a fact that you're in a position of superiority. Back when I needed planned housing subsidies, I triple-checked my file even before calling my referred case worker, and made sure I'd be able to swoop in with whatever form or added detail said worker would normally waffle around on the phone for.

"No - no, don't worry about that, sir, I came prepared - but thank you for being so dilligent. I've got my last medical report and my last three tax filings right in front of me; should I email you the reference numbers, or simply send you PDFs of everything? Reference numbers it is, then - you've been a great help. Thank you so much..."

So on and so forth, really. Just - don't do what I've seen actual Boomers and Karens do with that technique, which involves appending religiosity to it. Outside of America, peppering your speech with 'God Bless You's just feels awkward for some of us.

Did I just employ the "Treat Them Like You are A Kindergarten Teacher Again" method with my insurance company today? I surely did. Did it work? Probably better than intended because I made an actual doctor feel contrite.

So, my insurance has been trying to not cover my SNRI because it is new on the market and no generic available yet, so pricey.

I apply for a refill and the request gets locked for review. Again. For the 3rd time.

This time I call and immediately ask to speak to the actual doctor making these clinical decisions. Very politely. Must be a slow day because they allow it.

ME: [Teacher voice] I'm calling in regards to the SNRI you have placed a lock on. Why was this decision made?

DOC: Well, there are dozens of other medications on the market in that tier, and far cheaper for you and [insurer]. We have sent a request to your doctor to consider alternatives.

ME: I am aware of that. So, can you do me a HUGE favor and look up my prescription history really quickly and tell me how many SSRIs and SNRIs were only filled once in 2022 for me, showing they were poorly tolerated?

DOC: It looks like eight.

ME: Great job! Now, can you please look at my genetic test for psychiatric drug tolerance and tell me how many medications are listed in the safe category?

DOC: Two.

ME: Awesome! Now, can you tell me what type that other drug is that I'm not taking?

DOC: Yeah, totally, it's an MAOI.

ME: That's correct, you're really knowledgeable! Should I be taking something as dangerous as an MAOI with my other medications, or even just in general?

DOC: It's contraindicated for sure.

ME: It is! So true! So, last question since you've been incredibly smart and helpful. Is it less expensive for [insurer] to pay out for the medication knowing they already get a huge manufacturer discount anyway, or is it more expensive for them to pay for me to need potentially long-term inpatient psychiatric care?

DOC: I'll clear the code, ma'am and flag it as medically necessary. I'm sorry about this.

ME: I appreciate you SO MUCH. You have a great day now.

WALGREENS PHARMACY TECH WITH 5 NOSE RINGS AND PURPLE HAIR STARING AT ME: ........... OKAY! It'll be ready in five minutes. You wanna come work here?