#TSW treatment

[eczend]

Why Do Professors Advise Using Structural Algorithms for TSW Treatment

A structured, systematic approach is seen as the right way to go by experts when it comes to dealing with the TSW process. The procedure of treatment for TSW is mostly conducted by professionals who develop individual treatment plans that are specific to; skin type, symptoms’ intensity, and general health conditions. Read more:

[igncrxntripley]

could you do a headcannon on how finn was to harsh so now y/n wont talk to him and the others just think its really funny?? love your work 💗💗

headcanons: finn's a meanie

A/N: i loved this and immediately needed to put it out there after the BS finn has been pulling in TSW SKDKJSKHD also whoever wrote this you're so sweet and deserve all the love 🥹

tags: poly!judgement day, fem!reader

mentions: @babybatlover @ripleyswhore

finn knew he had the tendency to get a little too...excited; but he did it because he cared!

after a pretty serious match where y/n got distracted and lost, finn let her have it backstage and told her just how upset he was

"you have to be smarter than that, y/n! you're never going to get anywhere if you don't pay attention! have you fuckin' learned nothing?"

"you know what? i have learned a lot. and that includes the fact that you're a dick and you overreact when people make the smallest mistakes."

dominik is the one taking y/n to calm down and get changed while rhea and damian gave finn the usual talk

"you can't talk to her like that" "you act like the rest of us haven't made mistakes" "you aren't perfect either"

finn knows they're right and always appreciates his partners talking some sense into him; when they get back to the hotel that night, he makes an effort to make things right with y/n

"princess, i'm so sorry for what i said back at the arena. you didn't do anything wrong and i didn't realize how harsh i was being."

y/n, who was cuddled up in rhea's lap with her head in her chest (a favorite spot of hers), only glared at finn and didn't say a word back; the other three held in their laughs because they knew finn deserved it

finn most definitely hears them laughing and blushes before trying again

"please, baby? just say something? anything?"

y/n continued to glare at him and give him the silent treatment as rhea twirled her hair between her fingers

"wow, you must've really fucked up."

damian absolutely punches dominik in the arm after saying that

finn spends the rest of the night begging y/n and will absolutely do anything - he's getting snacks and letting her pick what they watch on tv while the other three are holding in their laughter at how desperate he is

y/n gets her revenge by not saying a single word and moving between dom, damian, and rhea with her cuddles, and they all play along because it's hilarious to watch how desperate finn gets

eventually the next morning she accepts finn's apology, but makes it very clear where she stands on his attitude

"if you talk to me like that again, i'm going to make your life a living hell. i wouldn't fuck around and have you find out what that looks like."

[thessalian]

Thess vs Arlathan

So turns out I can actually play this thing - on the easiest settings, mind you, but I can do it. Haven't entirely figured out parry (that "too much visual noise" thing), but I get it sometimes. Doesn't help that the timing of the indicators is a bit ... wonky.

I'm beginning to see why people are a little iffy about the writing. I don't think it's bad, mind you. It's just that it's ... all got a bit of Purple Hawke to it, if you see what I mean? It feels like Rook was built around the "scoundrel with a heart of gold" trope, and all the lines the players choose really do is slightly change the degrees of 'scoundrel' and 'heart of gold'. Which ... I mean, I don't mind that much. I get that thing with Aloy, after all. I just ... understand why people might complain about it a little in a Dragon Age game, just because the series has up until recently been known for letting you shape your character the way you want, and now the vague framework we got for "Warden" or "Hawke" or "Inquisitor" has been a lot more carefully structured for a "Rook". I mean, hell, Varric gave Rook a nickname. Up until now, he's only done that with characters we don't control. The closest he comes is Mark of the Assassin, where he workshops one based on the personality you've crafted for your character over the course of however many games. So Rook has a nickname based on what Varric knows of them, which means that kind of has to stick. Thus, more structured character that we can basically guide but not hugely control, at least not in terms of personality.

Like I say, I'm not necessarily complaining. I just know that it takes somewhat more headcanoning for those of us who prefer a bigger range of character traits for their DA characters. But I know you all over here are up to it. Hell, so am I, or I will be, when I get the structure and flow of the game a little more sorted in my head.

Currently I am playing a nonbinary elven Veil Jumper named Lira - specifically Lira in the cause of differentiating them from my various Jalliras, who are definitely ladies, because this one ... isn't. This is my practice character. That whole rant above? I guess I had it on my mind because the way Rook's character is set up for us means that I can't really play a Jallira. This is definitely a Molly game. Quite possibly a Jessie game. I have a few others, but I'd have to check through the imaginary Rolodex to find out which ones hit the snark the way Rook seems to.

That said, this particular set of liveblog posts are going to be actual liveblogging, not ... well, not what I normally do. But when I do get the hang of this a little more, and can assess the flow and figure out how best I can play a Rogue? Holy hell am I running a Molly through this game. It's basically made for a Molly. Though I am having a hard time deciding which faction she should join. Veil Jumpers (again) because Things To Tinker With? Lords of Fortune because Adventure? Shadow Dragons because freedom fighter? ...Well. I mean. A Molly is a tinkerer. A Mychae is a freedom fighter and adventure-seeker. So I guess Molly of WoD Mage would be a Veil Jumper (again) and Mychae of SW:TOR fame would go with the Lords of Fortune. I do have a second Mychae - the TSW one - and she'd be the Shadow Dragon. Jessie'd be a Warden, no question. Srina ... Antivan Crows. I have an old WoD mage who might do for Mourn Watch, actually. It's thoughts for later, anyway. But the playthrough of at least one of those will get the dialogue snippet treatment (probably two; you all love the Molly and the Jessie).

Much later, because I am running on far too little sleep. But at least, for all I've heard and read, and even with it being a bit of a struggle to play, I have been enjoying myself. Met Bellara (Molly is going to love Bellara), and have a crossing to look at and probably clear darkspawn or some shit out of. Also, no, I have no idea who this nonbinary character is going to romance. I'm not even sure they'll romance anybody. This is a practice character. This is basically as close to me as I'm going to get. But you never know. This Lira might speak up inside my head at some point, if only to differentiate themself from their parent and original.

...But I doubt it.

[abandonedpie]

The Sleepless Wake - Ending Summary + Bonus Content

Title: The Sleepless Wake

Series: Part 2 of 2 of The Breathing Dead

Words: 42,221

Rating: T

Fandom: Momma CQ

Summary: Fresh struggles to cope with his brother’s death and the onslaught of emotions it gave rise to.

Content warnings can be found in the tags.

[Part 1: The Endless Sleep] Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

[Part 2] Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Ending Summary

It’s been 84 several years. As you may know, I started writing this summary ages ago, when I reached the decision to officially let go of TSW and give it a proper send-off. Things happened and my motivation strayed, but I am now done writing out the plans I had for the final chapters, so all of you can see the end of Fresh’s nightmare of a journey.

I’ll start by sharing the 5.4k words I wrote of Chapter 5 before the story was discontinued, and then a summary (with commentary) based on what I remember and made notes for. To be clear, I don’t love all these ideas and scenes—I’d reconsider and change some things if I did want to turn them into full-fledged chapters—but these are the events as I originally wrote and planned them, unless otherwise noted.

Disclaimer: Despite the limited research I did on psychiatric wards and other subjects, I don’t expect all of this to accurately reflect the way things work in reality. I could have spent more time digging deeper into that research, but...this is a fanfic... I may take my writing seriously, but in the end, having fun and writing the story the way I want comes first, which sometimes means allowing for inaccuracy.

Anyway, at the end of this, I have a few extra TBD-related things to share.

Without further ado, I present the ending of The Sleepless Wake.

The psychiatrist, Dr. Henriksen, looked up from his notepad and began asking a series of routine questions.

“Do you feel like hurting yourself?”

Fresh answered with silence. He had struggled enough giving a choppy account of what had brought him here and his own psychiatric history (or lack thereof). This question had a much simpler answer, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit how far he had fallen, that he wanted to die. Not that it made much difference; he knew his silence said plenty, and it wouldn’t take Dr. Henriksen long to gather more information from Fresh’s doctor and CQ if needed. Still, Fresh needed to try harder. He had finally figured out what to do…right? This had felt like the right direction at first, but he couldn’t see where it headed, how he could make it that far, or if there was even an end in the first place. He still felt lost, adrift in the middle of the sea with no land in sight; but at least now, ever since he opened up to CQ and Asy, he felt himself moving again. He felt a current carrying him somewhere. In a way, it was even scarier than staying still.

Eyelights full of patience and understanding, Dr. Henriksen tried a few more questions with little success before moving on. 

“I’ll need some time to determine which medications to start you on. In the meantime, you’ll have group meetings every weekday. I’d like you to attend them all and participate as much as possible, okay? Now, there are two goals you need to meet before we can discharge you. First, you need to complete detox, which should take about a week. But that’s just the first step. Addiction usually requires long-term treatment. To help prevent relapse, you’ll need to follow up with counseling and therapy, which we can get you started on while you’re here. Our second goal is to improve your mental state to where you’re no longer at immediate risk of hurting yourself.”

Until now, despite Asy’s mentions of therapists and medication, Fresh had somehow never connected what he was going through to mental illness. Was this not just how emotions felt? Wasn’t it only this bad because he wasn’t used to them, because he was weak and stupid and kept making things worse and worse for himself? That was just it, though. Emotions had roots in psychological and physiological mechanisms that his body had functioned without until recently. That abnormality was what had made him “sick,” but gaining emotions didn’t make him suddenly healthy. His soul couldn’t process them normally after fourteen years without them. This condition could, debatably, be classified as a mental illness, but because it was so unique, there was no precedent for treating it. Yet here he was in a psych ward for people with anxiety, depression, and other disorders.

Here he was in a psych ward. Him of all people, in a psych ward, in a wheelchair and a cast for the foot he had mutilated himself.

It felt unreal. Wrong. He felt wrong, like he was trapped in someone else’s skull, looking out of a stranger’s eye socket.

How had this happened? How had he become…this? Who was he anymore? What was he? CQ had said he was still in there, but Fresh didn’t see it at all. His old self had disappeared. Good riddance, he had thought. He hated that freak. But…something important had vanished with him. Something more. He wanted it back.

Dr. Henriksen finished talking to him, and a psych tech brought Fresh to his room, which had two beds. His roommate was a rat Metazoan named Emilio, who seemed far too cheerful and healthy to be there. He chatted to Fresh with little pause, going on about life in the psych ward and mentioning his plan to leave soon since he was feeling better. He didn’t pry about Fresh’s reason for admittance or how he got hurt; in fact, he seemed unbothered that Fresh hadn’t said more than a few words to him. Fresh knew it was rude to ignore him, but he was having trouble focusing on anything aside from the part of him he had lost.

Soon, the tech brought him to the small cafeteria to eat lunch with the other patients. She sat next to him, not only watching to make sure he ate, but taking notes on a clipboard as well. Fresh already hadn’t been hungry, and this didn’t exactly make him more inclined to eat. He ate anyway, trying to distract himself from the tech and his suicidal thoughts by assessing the patients he would be sharing this space with. Most of them, like Emilio, seemed to be of sound mind, but at least a few made Fresh feel less alone.

There was a girl with long, scraggly hair who seemed to be eating on autopilot, her face gaunt and her eyes glazed over. One guy sat fiddling with his plastic fork, shoulders and eyelids drooping. He spotted Fresh watching him, tensed up, and glared, even after Fresh looked away. Among a group of girls, one wiped at her eyes, quietly sobbing that she felt fat and couldn’t eat any more. She was the skinniest girl at the table, and her tray looked almost untouched.

The food tasted better than Fresh had expected, but it wasn’t long before he started feeling sick. The tech had warned him he would lose points for not eating; in other words, he might have to stay in the psych ward longer. Fresh wondered if they were literally on some sort of point system, but he decided that didn’t matter. His family would want him to eat well and be released as soon as possible. The nausea wasn’t too bad. He could handle this much food, so bit by bit, he choked down the rest. The only thing he wanted in his mouth for the rest of the day was his pills.

After lunch, nurses took all the patients’ vital signs and weighed them. Shortly after that, they had to go to their rooms. They were allowed to nap or do any other quiet activity for an hour. Emilio worked on a crossword puzzle. Fresh lay in bed, trying to sleep, but he knew he wouldn’t have managed to even if it weren’t for the scratching of his roommate’s pencil, his occasional whispers to himself, and the tech who checked in on them through the Plexiglas window on their door every fifteen minutes. Only painkillers could help him sleep. Quiet time finally ended, too soon.

The patients gathered for art therapy. From the moment it started, all Fresh could think about was Ink. How he might be doing. What Fresh had said to him. How he couldn’t take it all back, that Ink would never forgive him, that Fresh didn’t deserve forgiveness, he deserved to lose his friend, it wasn’t Ink’s fault, it was Fresh’s and it should’ve been him who died, not Ink not Error not Error—

Someone had wheeled him out of the room, into an empty one. She sat in a chair close to him, reminding him to take deep breaths and reassuring him that it would be okay. By the time he calmed down, his face was drenched in tears and sweat, and the art therapy session was almost over.

“Do you want to talk about what you’re feeling?” the tech asked. Fresh shook his head. “It’s important to address these things.”

For a couple of minutes, she tried to gently persuade him to talk, but all he did was sit in guilty silence, unable to get the words out.

He joined the other patients for an educational meeting about mental illness. While the woman leading the group spoke, he twiddled with the hem of his teal T-shirt. It and his pair of dull blue pants were among the clothes he had asked CQ to buy…was it only two days ago? It wasn’t as nice a change as he had imagined, wearing clothes that weren’t so bright. He felt less gross (that might have been because these clothes were clean), but without even one of his hats or pairs of sunglasses, they also made him feel fake, like he had betrayed a part of himself. This plain look wasn’t for him—his old self or the new. But the nineties neon look wasn’t for him anymore either. So what was? What did he even like? Who was he anymore? What was he? Nothing. Just a filthy parasite, taking up people’s time and energy and offering nothing in return. The world would be better off without him in it.

By the end of the meeting, he had forgotten what little information he had heard. He cursed himself the whole way to the day room. He had to start taking this seriously. Stop spacing out. Did he want to get better for Geno or not? Pull yourself together. God, it was hard. He was so tired… No, stop whining. Stop making excuses. He wasn’t even trying. He wanted to give up without trying. Lazy, selfish piece of trash.

On an intellectual level, he knew inadequate sleep impaired concentration and memory. He knew his mind wasn’t clear enough for sound judgment. He knew none of this was entirely his fault. But that didn’t change how he felt. His emotions had taken control over him, changed him, and left him weak. How was he supposed to fight something like that?

He was nearly in tears again as visiting hour arrived. CQ and Asy came in with a few other visitors, and they gathered in the day room with the patients. No privacy. They greeted each other, but Fresh didn’t return his mother’s hug.

“How is it here?” she asked as they sat down. Fresh shrugged. He’d rather be at home, or better yet with Geno, but complaining wouldn’t do him any good.

“Has anyone talked with you yet?” asked Asy. “A therapist, or…?”

Fresh gazed at his hospital wristband, not meeting their eyes. All they had asked of him was to try. He kept disappointing them, worrying them. He wished they wouldn’t worry so much. He knew how exhausting it could be, and it kept showing more and more clearly on their faces. Didn’t they have more important things to think about? That reminded him.

“Why ya even here? Uncle Asy.” He looked taken aback. “Ma said ya friend’s in a bad spot. It’s Book, right? Ya didn’t mention who ’cause I might worry? I don’t know him dat well, but…he’s important ta ya. Don’t ya need ta be there for him? Or is he better now?”

Asy’s hands clenched slightly.

“He’s doing all right.”

Fresh watched Asy’s face. His eyelights shifted, and Fresh’s body tensed. He felt sick again.

“No he’s not. Did he relapse?”

“He…”

“Forget it, I don’t need da details!” Fresh took a breath and lowered his voice. “What are ya doin’ here? Ya don’t need ta worry ’bout me. He needs ya more right now.”

CQ looked at Asy, worry knitting her brow. Asy hesitated.

“It’s fine. Star’s with him… And Fresh, you’re important to me too. I can’t visit whenever I want, so I have to come when I can.”

“Ya don’t…”

“I want to.”

Fresh watched them for a moment longer.

“How long has it been since ya set aside some time for yaselves? Forget about me. Dey lookin’ after me here. Ya need ta look after you.”

“Ah…”

They smiled slightly.

“You’re right,” said CQ. “I’ve been trying to take breaks here and there, but… I could use some proper rest.”

Fresh gave her a stern nod. Asy chuckled.

“Scolding your mother and uncle… Okay, we’ll look after ourselves, and you do the same. But we’re still going to visit. Spending time with family is good for us.”

“…Deal.”

CQ’s face glowed through her exhaustion. “Thank you, Fresh.”

His own face grew warm.

“Ah—it’s, it’s nothin’.”

“It’s not nothing,” said Asy. “You’re looking out for us. That’s your kindness showing.”

“Huh? No, I just, there’s no sense in puttin’ so much time an’ energy inta other people dat ya forget ta take care of yaselves.”

“Are you still trying to deny it? Don’t be so quick to downplay your own goodness.”

His face grew hotter. Okay, maybe kindness was a part of it, but this was also an ungrateful rejection of their own kindness.

“I’m just…” …not worth it.

He felt sure that it hurt to hear him say things like that, but they already knew how he felt about himself, and he wanted to practice opening up more. Maybe they could keep pushing him in the right direction. He needed their help…but wouldn’t it stress them out more to keep fighting his battle?

“Ya said…dat helpin’ me lightens ya load. But, ya both been tryin’ so hard for me, and, ya look exhausted…” He rubbed his eyes. He was no better. “I don’t want ya ta help me if it’s gonna do dis to ya.”

“We’re not exhausted from helping you,” said CQ.

“But…it’s still ’cause of me, isn’t it? ’Cause it hurts ta see me like dis?” The tears were back. “W-wouldn’t it be easier, if ya didn’t care?”

“Fresh… Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to stop loving you.”

He was trying hard not to break down in front of all these people. He could already hear their own conversations getting quieter, but not wanting to check if anyone was watching, he kept rubbing his eyes.

“Why? Why would ya do dis ta yourselves? I’m not worth it…”

“You are worth it,” said Asy.

He knew he couldn’t change their minds. The only way to help them was to get better, to stop giving them reason to worry. But to get better, he needed to let them help, and that meant sharing his pain, the parts of him it hurt them to see. Could he really not get better on his own? But…he didn’t have to. He was in this psych ward for a reason.

“Da people here are gonna help me get better, so ya don’t have ta try so hard anymore. Ya don’t have ta visit every day. If ya just wanna see me now and then, fine… But don’t worry about me. Please, just, take care of yourselves. I can’t watch ya hurt yourselves for me. I…I love you.”

CQ stood up and hugged him. This time, he hugged her back.

“We love you too. That’s why we have to help take care of each other.”

“Y-ya don’t… Ya don’t have ta fight my battle…”

“It’s not your battle. It’s our battle. We’re fighting to get better together.”

He squeezed her, still trying to steady his breathing, even as it kept getting harder.

“It’s okay,” said CQ. “We’ll take care of ourselves and trust them to help you. But try not to worry about us too much, either. If you ever want to talk to us, we’d rather you talk than keep it to yourself. Being able to help you, even just by listening, will make us happy. Okay?”

“…Okay.”

“You’re doing amazing, sweetie.”

His mouth twitched into a smile. Asy stepped up behind CQ.

“All right, move over. It’s my turn to hug him!”

Fresh gave a shaky laugh, and CQ stepped aside. Asy wrapped his arms around Fresh, nearly lifting him out of his wheelchair. This was the lightest his soul had felt all day. The lightest it had felt since overdosing, actually. He tried to hold on to the feeling, but as Asy let him go and they sat back down, he already felt his soul growing heavy again. He fixed his smile in place and wiped away his tears. They were quiet for a moment.

“Is there anything else you need?” asked CQ. “Anything you’d like me to bring over next time?”

“Nah. Just a well-rested mom and uncle.”

“Of course. Maybe we can bring some kind of game to play together? We don’t have to talk the whole visit. It’d be nice to just do something fun and relaxing.”

“Yeah.”

He lowered his smile. It wasn’t working. There was something he needed to ask, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Ma?”

“What is it?”

He squeezed his own arm.

“…Do ya know how Ink’s doing?”

They fell silent again. Fresh drew a shuddering breath. He had just stopped crying, too.

“Could ya find out, if he’d be willin’ ta visit? I need to apologize…”

“I’ll ask him.”

Fresh nodded.

“Hey…” He looked up at her. “I’m sure he’ll understand you didn’t mean it, and that he’ll forgive you.”

Fresh knew she was just trying to calm him. It didn’t help, and neither did the next few minutes of reassurance. For the rest of the visit, Fresh sat sniffling while CQ and Asy tried to distract him with other topics. They stayed until the last second of visiting hour. After more hugs and a subdued goodbye, it was time for supper.

Fresh managed to eat only a little before stopping. There was no point in forcing himself if he was only going to throw everything back up. When had this become such a big problem? The tech was watching him again, so he explained how sick he felt. She assured him she would let his psychiatrist know. 

He spent the evening in his room, refusing to leave for music therapy. It would stir up too many painful memories. Even from this distance, though, he faintly heard music, singing, and occasional applause. He lay in bed and tried not to think of Error and his violin. He tried not to remember the times he had sat in his room, listening to Error play it two doors down the hall from him and clapping when he finished. He tried not to remember how happy it had seemed to make him, or how little he had played it since the night Fresh suggested he let go of Geno.

Emilio walked in only half an hour after Fresh stopped crying.

“Hey Fresh! Dude, that was a really good session, you should’ve come!”

His grin faded. Fresh looked away.

“Eh, it’s fine. Maybe you’ll feel up to it next time.” Emilio plopped himself down on his bed with a yawn. “So how was your first day here?”

Fresh didn’t feel like answering that, but Emilio went on as though he had.

“You’ll get used to it soon enough. It gets pretty boring sometimes, but the people are nice. Well, actually, you should watch out for Jakob. And by watch out, I mean don’t watch him. He hates people looking at him. I think he hates me too. He keeps giving me these dirty looks!”

Emilio chuckled. Fresh didn’t get what was funny about that, but then again, nothing seemed funny when he was thinking about dying.

“Anyway, yeah, it’s not so bad here. My favorite part is music therapy. Especially when I get to play the piano. Though most people look forward to visiting hours…” This all sounded familiar. Fresh couldn’t quite recall, but he thought Emilio had said these things earlier, too. “…saw you with your parents. They seem really supportive.”

Fresh blinked and looked over.

“Ah, he’s not my… Dat was my mom and uncle… He’s not really my uncle, but…”

He trailed off, not sure why he was explaining. It didn’t really matter.

“Oh, cool! So, what about your dad?”

“Never had one.”

“Really? Oh, sorry if I’m getting too personal.”

“It’s fine, ya not…”

“So your mom’s raising you herself? Cool. Gotta respect that. My mom’s been raising me alone too since my dad finally went to jail.”

Silence punched a hole in the conversation. Emilio’s tail twitched.

“Sorry, I just made things awkward, didn’t I?”

He scratched his head, looking away. Fresh tried to think of something to say.

“What’s your dad in jail for?”

“Haha, you don’t wanna know.”

Emilio fidgeted for a moment before getting out a journal and letting the conversation die. Fresh stared at the ceiling, wondering if he had gotten too personal or if he was just that bad a conversation partner in this state.

Mandatory bedtime was at ten o’clock. A tech continued checking on them every fifteen minutes, just as they had all day. Fresh closed his eyes and tried to stop thinking. His head ached. They had already started tapering the dose of his new painkiller, which didn’t work as well as his old meds in the first place. It wasn’t enough. He still felt sick. His back hurt. He couldn’t even shift into a more comfortable position because his foot ached worse than anything, and he didn’t dare move it. All of this would go away if he died.

A breathy noise distracted him. Emilio was crying. A sinking weight fell through Fresh’s chest. Emilio had seemed to be in such a good mood before talking with Fresh. This was his fault, wasn’t it? No, he shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe something else was going on. Maybe Emilio hadn’t been as happy as he had appeared.

Fresh only got what felt like a few minutes of sleep, on and off throughout the night. In the morning, Emilio didn’t speak or even look at him. The tech who handed out their morning meds gave Fresh a new medicine alongside his painkiller, but he still felt sick afterwards, and he nearly threw up his breakfast from all the nausea and guilt. He wanted to sit out the first meeting of the day, but he had already lost points for skipping the evening meetings, so he joined the other patients.

The group leader had them all introduce themselves to Fresh and share why they were there. As Fresh had expected, several of them had been admitted for depression or anxiety. A few had eating disorders, two were bipolar, one was a recovering addict, and one had admitted herself for having the urge to kill her ex-BFF. Jakob, who Fresh recognized as the guy who had glared at him at lunch the day before, kept his head down and his mouth shut when his turn came. He seemed especially tense. Fresh tried not to look at him.

When Emilio shared that this was his third time admitting himself for thoughts of self-harm and suicide, Fresh felt numb. Lightheaded. He was trembling, sweating. The group leader asked if he was all right, but Fresh felt so far away.

He was slumped over, head on his knees. Someone helped sit him up. Before he knew it, they were bringing him out of the room. What was happening?

A nurse looked him over and checked his vitals. His head ached, and his whole body felt heavy. He felt sure he would throw up any minute. The nurse handed him a cup of water, which he drank obediently. Soon, they brought him to the room where Dr. Henriksen sat waiting.

“How are you feeling, Fresh?”

He looked concerned. Fresh kept his arms wrapped around his middle.

“…Sick.”

Right on cue, he gagged. Dr. Henriksen snatched up the trash can by his desk and held it under Fresh’s mouth, just in time to catch his vomit. Fresh gripped the trash can and spewed up a bit more. Dr. Henriksen gave him a moment to catch his breath, then offered him a water bottle. Fresh rinsed out his mouth.

“And now?” asked Dr. Henriksen. “A little better?”

“Yeah…”

He took the bottle and trash can back from Fresh.

“When did you start feeling sick?”

He got out his notepad and pen, and Fresh tried to think.

“After I got here yesterday…? Maybe before… But it gets worse…every time I try ta eat…”

“Did the medication you took before breakfast help at all?”

“No.”

Dr. Henriksen jotted something down.

“Okay, we may need to increase the dosage. Did you experience any dizziness or lightheadedness before this morning?”

“No…”

“How were you feeling emotionally before you passed out?”

Fresh lowered his head. Dr. Henriksen waited a moment.

“Did something happen?” The guilt had sealed his voice in again. “We need to address your emotions, especially when they start impacting your health like this. They’re just as important to talk about as physical symptoms. If you keep them to yourself, they could get worse and cause more problems.”

He knew that, but emotions were a lot harder to talk about. He needed to try. For Geno.

“I…was talkin’ with my roommate last night, and I think…I might’ve asked something I shouldn’t have… I think I really upset him, I dunno, maybe it wasn’t me, maybe it’s not my fault, but…”

“Have you asked him about it?”

Fresh glanced up. “No…”

“It is possible something else upset him. But if it was something you said, apologizing can go a long way.”

“I know…”

“Then, are you going to talk to him?”

“…I’ll try.”

Dr. Henriksen smiled.

“Good. Now… Aside from this and the nausea, have you been experiencing any other problems?”

“It hurts…”

“What hurts?”

“My head…and my foot.” He shut his eyes. “I’m so tired…”

“How are you sleeping?”

“I didn’t.”

The pen continued scratching on paper.

“Anything else?”

I want to die.

Fresh shook his head.

“How have you been doing emotionally?”

His body had grown stiff. Keep trying.

“Bad.”

“Do you feel like hurting yourself?”

Deep breath in, out.

“I…”

Dr. Henriksen waited patiently. Fresh squeezed his arm. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t…

“I want it to stop. But I don’t—want to hurt myself—I want…to get better.”

He pressed his hands to his eyes, teeth clenching.

“It’s okay to cry,” said Dr. Henriksen. “Crying is a release of emotion and stress. Suppressing your tears is unhealthy.”

He was just so sick of needing to cry as often as he did.

“It’s good that you want to get better. We’re here to help you do just that. For now, I’d like you to take it easy. I’ll have them give you something for the pain. If you still feel nauseous by lunchtime, let them know. Eat what you can. If you feel well enough later, join the others for group, okay? And if by then there’s no improvement, or if any of your symptoms worsen, please tell someone.”

“Okay.”

He lowered his hands. Dr. Henriksen was watching him.

“Lastly… Could you tell me what happened in art therapy yesterday?”

Fresh didn’t answer. He saw only one possible solution to that problem, and it rested entirely on Ink.

With the new meds reducing his pain and nausea, and the fog in his mind smothering his thoughts, he managed to take a nap after lunch. A tech woke him just before visiting hour. She kept talking to stop him from going back to sleep, then helped him into his wheelchair. He wheeled himself to the day room and found the visitors already there. His eye snapped to the spot they had sat the day before, scanning to see who had come.

Just CQ and Asy.

Soul growing heavier, he approached.

“Hey. How are you?” asked CQ. Their faces told him they had heard what happened.

“I’m feelin’ better…” He gripped his own hand, keeping his head down. “What did Ink say?”

They paused.

“He didn’t say much,” said CQ. “But he wanted us to give you this.”

She pulled a card out of her purse. Full of uncertainty, she handed it to Fresh. It was completely blank except for three words in Ink’s handwriting:

Get well soon

There wasn’t even a signature.

Fresh stared at it for a while, a strange heat rising in his chest. He didn’t quite understand what this meant, but one thing was clear. Ink didn’t want to see him.

With this card sucking out the little energy he’d had, he tried to brush it aside and turn his focus to the board game they had brought along. CQ and Asy went along with the topic change, but for the rest of the hour, Fresh couldn’t concentrate enough to play properly or even remember much of what they said to him.

Still having no appetite, he ate supper and returned to his bed. Emilio came in a few minutes later.

“Hey. You okay man?”

Fresh didn’t move. Talking seemed too difficult right now. Maybe it could wait.

“Sorry… Was this because of me? You started looking really sick after I spoke this morning. Was that just, weird timing, or…”

“…What?”

“Uh, what do you mean what?”

With great effort, Fresh turned his head to look at him. Emilio was sitting on his bed, looking confused and worried.

“No,” said Fresh. “Why are you apologizing…? Last night, I… You were doin’ so well till I talked ta ya. I shouldn’t have asked about your dad…”

Emilio’s frown deepened.

“Huh? No! I’m the one who brought him up… I thought I was getting better at talking about it, but… Dude, you didn’t do anything wrong?”

“But…dis morning…”

Emilio paused. “Did you think I was mad at you? Oh my god, no. I’m sorry, I’m the worst at mornings, I’m basically a zombie for a good half hour—and I thought you were mad at me? I know I can be a bit of a chatterbox; sometimes people get annoyed. But you’re not?”

“No…”

Emilio laughed.

“Wow, looks like we were both worried for nothing… Guess I still need to work on communicating my feelings.”

Fresh grimaced. He needed to work on that a lot more than Emilio did. If he had apologized sooner, this wouldn’t have gotten so bad. At least Emilio didn’t seem upset with him.

“Hey, you coming to music therapy tonight?”

If he was going to hear the music and probably cry either way, he’d rather do it in the near-privacy of this room, but he hadn’t been to a meeting since that morning, so he forced himself to go. The music therapist started by going around the circle, asking each of them how they were doing (Fresh answered with a shrug). He then passed around some small percussion instruments and invited everyone to sing or play along as he strummed a tune on his guitar. Several people sang with him, some shook their instruments, but a few, like Fresh, only listened.

Fresh hadn’t listened to music properly since Error’s death. There had been music in the movies he tried to watch, of course, but he had never been focused enough to appreciate it. It had never struck him in the soul like this. Something about the song, about being in this room with all these people singing and making music together, drew out not just memories, but raw emotion. The song wasn’t even sad, in fact it was rather upbeat, but within a minute he was weeping. The therapist was kind enough not to draw attention to him.

After an exercise in improvisation and a brief discussion about emotion in music, the therapist had them all sit back and listen while he played a peaceful tune. At the end, he asked how they were now. Judging by the others’ answers, Fresh wasn’t the only one who felt more relaxed.

Emilio joined him on the way to the closure group.

“Pretty good, huh? Hey, if you like listening to music, uh… Well, I have permission to play the piano in there whenever we have free time, and some of the others like to come and listen to me play. We have a really good time. You’re welcome to join us, if you want. I’m gonna play a little after night meds are passed out.”

“Ah… Thanks. I’ll think about it.”

He did think about it, and after listening to everyone review their success or failure to meet the daily goals they had set that morning, he decided it should be good for him to spend more time with them instead of hiding out in his room. These people were dealing with problems and trying to get better, just like him. He needed the reminder that he wasn’t as alone as he felt, and isolating himself made that feeling worse. So even though he’d rather sleep, he returned to the music room where a few others already sat, some of them talking with Emilio. He smiled at Fresh and waved.

It turned out Emilio not only loved playing piano, he was really, really good at it. With his first note, the ache in Fresh’s soul sank deeper. Emilio didn’t just play the piano; he played Fresh’s emotions. He spun a story out of sound and drew Fresh’s soul along for the ride:

This is as far as I got. Yes, I stopped in the middle of a sentence, trying to figure out how to describe this experience where Fresh resonates with the emotions in his roommate’s music, forming a kind of empathetic connection between their struggles. From this point on, I think Fresh begins to get out of his own head a little more, indeed feeling a bit less alone as he spends time with and gets to know some of the other patients. He also develops a deeper appreciation for music, though that makes it hurt more to think of Error and his violin.

Soon, someone new is admitted to the ward: Decans. I can’t remember any definite ideas I had regarding the circumstances for his admittance (maybe I was still working them out), but in the alternate universe this story takes place in, where he and Fresh never met as children, suffice to say that Decans is not doing well. Incidentally, he was going to have his arm in a sling, and Fresh was going to feel like he’d seen Decans somewhere before... Which he did, back during his first visit with Geno after the stairs incident, while he was looking out the hospital window. I wondered if anyone would re-read that scene and realize it was Decans, but now I’m not even sure it makes sense timeline-wise for his arm to be in a sling for that long.

Anyway, he recognizes Fresh as his neighbor, and when they end up talking, Decans reveals that he was the one who called the police the day of Fresh’s fight with Ink; he admits to having seen and heard some of what had been going on lately next door, what with being stuck in his house most of the time due to his condition. He had gotten a really bad feeling when he heard the two fight and saw Ink flee the house, seemingly injured, yet Decans almost talked himself out of calling the police.

Whether he says so here, later, or not at all, I believe a huge contributing factor to him making the call was his memory of the night Error attacked Fresh—all the crashing when Error destroyed his room, seeing through his window when Fresh was taken to the hospital, and then all the sights and sounds he pieced together to realize someone next door had died. What with all the things going on in that house lately, even just as they were observed from the outside... Catching glimpses of his neighbor in such a bad state (and perhaps seeing some of his own bad state reflected back at him), Decans didn’t want to dismiss this last incident as nothing to interfere in. So he called the police, just in case.

Fresh struggles with some mixed feelings, but ultimately thanks Decans for making the call that saved his life.

After learning of Decans’ condition, Fresh is initially anxious he’ll accidentally hurt him, but as the days go by, they talk more and start spending more of their free time together. Fresh continues to struggle with his cravings, sleep, emotions and identity. Yet his detox proceeds more smoothly, and with the help of Decans and his other new friends, he comes to see that he still likes his old nineties style beneath all the self-hatred and his understanding of Error’s hatred toward everything he was—that the problem isn’t his style, but himself, and his old clothes won’t feel right again unless he can make peace with himself.

Now this is a new line of thought, not part of my original plans, but I like it: Fresh feels undeserving of how nice these people are to him, and for a while, he doesn’t know whether to accept their kindness based on a lack of true understanding or to tell them everything he’s done and thus lose their friendship. Finally, he decides he doesn’t want to lie or be fake or hide the truth of his ugliness. He wants to be open and real, not the person who put on a smile or a facade, who Error had hated. In private and/or during group therapy, perhaps taking multiple attempts because of how hard it is to talk about, he recounts his experiences to the other patients. And they praise his courage in opening up. Decans, Emilio, and at least a few others offer him understanding, forgiveness, and their continued support. Cue another flood of mixed feelings within Fresh, that take him some time to sort through.

The days go by, with no word from Ink. I severely miscalculated how many chapters this would take. One night, a sound wakes Fresh up. A figure stands over the other bed, suffocating Emilio with his pillow. Fresh panics and tries to call for help, but his voice won’t come out. Emilio claws at the figure, Jakob, legs kicking feebly, slowing down. Fresh tumbles out of bed, scrambles over despite his injured foot, and fights to drag Jakob back. He manages to pull the pillow off Emilio’s face for but a second, moments before a couple of psych techs burst in and restrain Jakob.

I don’t know Jakob’s motive or what brought him to the psych ward, and I don’t think either was going to be mentioned, but I can say he has personal issues and reasons for trying to kill Emilio, and I never wanted it to come across as a case of Insane Equals Violent. As to how he got into the room without being caught...I hadn't figured that out yet either I guess. I was making most of the story up as I went along. Now that I know more about the universe of Worldview, though, I suppose his ability could have helped him? Kind of a stretch, since I imagine there would be some kind of restriction in place to prevent any patients from using abilities that could cause trouble in the ward.

Jakob is dealt with, security tightens, and Emilio comes out of this unharmed. He thanks Fresh earnestly for trying to save him, and though his injured foot is paying the price (it’s not more broken or anything, but trying to stand on it has gotta hurt), Fresh’s burden of self-hatred lightens ever so slightly. His friends praise him for his heroic deed, even when he tries to dismiss it by insisting he wouldn’t have been able to stop Jakob and it was the psych techs who had really saved Emilio.

Not long after this incident, Decans is discharged from the psych ward, but he is reluctant to leave. Fresh, also saddened to see him go (and to hear Decans’ parents would be unlikely to let him visit Fresh here), promises to meet up after he too is discharged.

I had no plans for the rest of Fresh’s stay, but while he has gotten relatively better, it’s by no means a full recovery. The first thing he does after leaving is visit Geno. This little reunion isn’t technically part of my plans, so while of course it would happen, I don’t have anything in particular in mind for it, other than the two seeing that they’ve both recovered somewhat. Maybe Geno is out of the hospital at this point, in which case Fresh goes home to see him.

Soon after, Fresh stops by Com’s house to apologize to Ink and swear he doesn’t blame him for Error’s death. No notes on this visit either, but it seems fitting for Fresh to speak with a door between them, and Ink staying silent at first. Then I’d say that upon seeing Fresh’s progress and sincerity, Ink forgives him, at least enough for them to start moving onward from the fight. He forgives, but doesn’t forget.

My notes say that Fresh tries to pretend he’s better so his family doesn’t worry, but now, though maybe he slips into that habit a little here and there, I’d prefer to say he pushes past it and keeps trying to stay honest.

Then there’s a note about Fresh learning of Decans’ home situation and that it hurts how he can’t help; Decans assures him he helps plenty.

Late at night, Fresh texts Ink in the hopes of distracting himself from his suicidal thoughts. Ink comes over to make sure Fresh doesn’t hurt himself. The whole situation is clearly tense and painful for both of them, and Fresh fears that despite their efforts, their friendship and Ink’s trust in him are broken beyond repair. I’m actually tempted to overwrite this bit and say Ink doesn’t come over at all, just stays up texting until Fresh says he’s going to sleep. Maybe their friendship stays rocky, leaving it ambiguous through the end as to whether they ever work through it or remain somewhat distant. Either way, I can see Fresh starting to spend more time with Decans than with Ink.

Christmas comes around (painful memories everywhere), and noticing the condition of Geno’s scarf, likely stained or ragged or simply with a loose thread, Fresh recalls the other scarf he made with Error years ago, for Geno. With possible help from CQ, Asy and/or Decans, Fresh works up the courage to search Error’s room. He finds the wrapped scarf in the closet and gifts it to Geno. As the last present he will ever receive from both his brothers jointly, Geno treasures it, and he may be too anxious that something might happen to it to risk wearing it, at least until his old scarf someday becomes unwearable. Alternatively, he might feel it’s safer to keep it on him at all times.

Geno starts reading the journals that Error left him. Though he struggles to hold them up or turn the pages, Fresh leaves him to it (CQ or Asy helps him instead), too scared of what the journals might say or make him feel to give them a look himself. They weren’t for him to read, anyway. But one day, at Geno’s tearful insistence, Fresh caves and reads a page that his brother tries to show him: in the middle of Error’s last journal, his final message.

In it, Error apologizes for giving up and says there was nothing anyone could have done. It was Error’s fault, not theirs. And at the bottom of the page, tacked on like an afterthought, is a message addressing Fresh directly, apologizing for hurting him and failing to be a good big brother.

Fresh breaks down.

As much as this flood of emotion crushes him, beneath his confusion and guilt, it sweeps some of the weight from his soul.

He soon starts talking to Error’s dust, expressing aloud all the things he wishes he could tell his brother.

After a time skip to Error’s birthday, one of Fresh’s roughest days since reading Error’s message, Asy catches him absentmindedly scratching himself until he bleeds, and it’s implied that this isn’t the first time. (I think this would fit better if he last did it sometime before the time skip rather than during the skipped months, but I’d rather just exchange it for a milder sign of heartache.) Asy gives him a Band-Aid, and they talk.

“Everything will be okay in the end. And?”

“If it’s not okay, it’s not da end.”

This next note feels pretty unnecessary for the story, but Decans visits and mentions his parents are going to divorce.

Fresh and Geno open up to each other about feeling they were born “wrong.”

As a “birthday present” to Error, Fresh promises to be the best brother he can for Geno, even if he’s too late to do so for Error.

I wrote some possible final lines for the story. I imagine the last scene taking place in the front yard of the house, with a get-together of Fresh, Geno, Decans, Ink, Asy, CQ, and some of their other friends and family (like Com, Star and Book, who’s doing well now) chatting and relaxing in the afternoon.

Something about their faces, and even the air, felt soft and clear. It felt like Fresh had woken up from a long dream. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t want to go back to sleep. He had a different kind of dream to look forward to. He took in the sunlight, took in the air, letting it fill him, and breathed it out. He was alive.

The End.

Everyone, thank you for reading!

To start off the bonus content, I want to share a poem excerpt I found when trying to come up with a title for the series, The Breathing Dead. This is where I got it from:

And is thy soul so wrapt in sleep?

Thy senses, thy affections, fled?

No play of fancy thine, to keep

Oblivion from that grave, thy bed?

Then art thou but the breathing dead...

~George Crabbe (1754–1832), “The World of Dreams”

The Endless Sleep and The Sleepless Wake are both titles I made up myself. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but I originally considered calling the second part The Sleepless End as a reversal of the first part’s title. Then I thought it might be too confusing or easy to mix them up, that they just sounded too similar, so I changed the last word, haha. The result definitely fits better. I do love me some titles with multiple meanings or interpretations. Layer ’em like parfait, yum yum.

Next up! As I recall, I mentioned a long time ago that I was working on a secret project. I’m not going to finish it at this point, so here’s a bit of what I did make...

A shimeji of TSW!Fresh!

And some rough drawings for a few of the sprites I didn’t get around to:

What a cute, squishable li’l marshmallow. It would be really neat to have the finished shimeji, but these things are a lot of work to make.

One of the last things I can think to share are the couple of side-fics I started (basically just self-indulgent fanfic of my own fanfic adjllsafhjdl), but I didn’t write enough for them to be worth showing anybody (also they’re kinda bad). One is a time travel fic where Fresh wakes up a few weeks in the past, in the hospital after his eye surgery, and has a narrow window of time to save Error. The other fic follows Decans, who discovers he can see ghosts—Error’s in particular. Error tries to use him to communicate with his grieving family, which naturally does not go too smoothly. A great source of more angst from both Fresh and Error.

And finally, I have a playlist for TBD. I wanted this to be an experience that flows seamlessly as it follows the story, but to finish ironing it out would take more work, so this will have to do. Keeping in mind that some songs fit better than others, I hope you enjoy!

The Endless Sleep:

Without You - Ashes Remain

Not At All - Get Scared

Anthem of the Angels - Breaking Benjamin

Say Something - A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera

Take It Out on Me - Thousand Foot Krutch

Nothing Left to Say - Imagine Dragons

If My Heart Was a House - Owl City

The Sleepless Wake:

I Can’t Breathe - Bea Miller

Give Me a Sign - Breaking Benjamin

Magenta - Nano

Hope of Morning - Icon For Hire

Don’t Wake Me - Skillet

Surrender - Digital Daggers

I Am Machine - Three Days Grace

Addict - Get Scared

Again - Crusher-P

Friend Please - Twenty One Pilots

Same Mistake - James Blunt

You Don’t Know - Katelyn Tarver

Second Guessing - Get Scared

Self-Inflicted Achromatic - Nekobolo (personal favorite cover: Mafumafu)

Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne

Ride - Twenty One Pilots

Never Surrender - Skillet

The Reason - Hoobastank

Thanks again for reading, and for supporting the story while it lasted, or even afterwards! It was quite an experience for me, with all its ups and downs. While things didn’t go the way I hoped, I definitely learned from writing this story, and I expect my writing will be better for it going forward.

If you ever have any questions about TBD, ask away!

[miraridoctor]

Topical corticosteroids are a mainstay treatment for various inflammatory skin conditions like eczema, psoriasis, and dermatitis. While these medications are generally safe and effective when used as directed, some people may develop a rare but serio... #Mirari #MirariDoctor #MirariColdPlasma #ColdPlasma

[itch-n-bitch]

Uncertainty surrounding Topical Steroid use? It is estimated that over eight million individuals in the UK suffer from atopic eczema alone, with a staggering 60% of the population either currently experiencing or having previously had a skin condition. Typically, the first line of treatment involves the use of topical steroids. There is a growing awareness online and in the news about the potential risks associated with topical steroid use. Topical steroids, often prescribed for conditions like eczema and psoriasis, can lead to dependency and withdrawal symptoms, posing serious concerns for those affected. The uncertainty surrounding steroid use, in the absence of updated guidelines or research, is causing considerable anxiety and guilt, exacerbating the already challenging experience of managing a chronic skin condition. My petition aims to address these issues directly. By raising awareness and advocating for clearer guidelines and support systems, my goal is to empower doctors to make informed decisions and provide patients with hope and healing options, alleviating unnecessary stress and guilt. The influx of messages from individuals who are scared and feel out of options is alarming and could potentially lead to further mental health issues if not addressed by the NHS/Government. Patients are losing trust, and more importantly, they are losing hope. Your support in spreading awareness and signing this petition would mean a lot. Please consider joining us in this crucial movement for informed care. Together, we can make a difference. Katie Mackie & The Itch N Bitch Community ✍🏻Sign Here: Fund Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW) Research and Provide Support for Sufferers 🔗https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/658458 1 WEEK IN, nearly 4k signature mark!! THANK YOU!! (Just so you know, while the petition is UK-based, your support in sharing or replicating this petition on your own country's governmental petition sites is greatly appreciated.)

[freeroulillos]

Sharing some of my TSW remedies...

Hello there.

About a couple of months ago I finally shared my story on the ITSAN support group. It got to a stage where I felt I’d gotten so much support out of that group and I was pretty healed so I wanted to share that journey with people who were still in the early stages and needed the same morale boost I needed a couple of years back. Here’s what I wrote:

“Hi everyone! I wanted to share a few things with you as a TSWer myself. Thankfully after 2 years and 8 months on withdrawing, I'm on the mend thanks to homeopathy which has changed my life. Happy to give more info if people are interested and also refer them to my life saving doctor who does consultation via Skype. Here's my story - never shared it on here before but thought it's about time: http://freeroulillos.tumblr.com 

ALSO, I wanted to give you a wee insight into what my life is now, after 2+years of being in pain and feeling very self conscious. I've found that my happy place is on hiking trails so I've been getting out a lot since last summer, enjoying sweating without pain and soaking up the sun! Here's a link to my YouTube channel: https://goo.gl/sZt6Xz Also wishing all of you a lot of courage and strength on this crazy journey. It does end eventually! xx”

I got a few responses and people reached out to me through DMs asking me how I did it and what were those homeopathic remedies that helped me get through it. I’ve also recently been in touch with a thru hiker whom I’ve been following for a shared love for hiking but then found out she was going through TSW. That prompted me to get in touch and offer some advice. 

Giving out advice is a funny thing with TSW. I know I was always a bit skeptical with other people’s advice. We are all different and have had a very different history with TS. Our bodies might react differently to such and such remedies and which way we decide to do it is very personal. So what I wanted what put the info out there for people to either take or leave.

TO HELP WITH MOITURIZER WITHDRAWAL (which I did from the very start) and OVERALL NEEDING OF MOISTURE:

What I used and still use religiously is a homemade recipe. It's something my homeopath recommended and it's easily made at home: 1/3 water + 1/3 rose water (organic if you can afford it) + 1/3 gycerin. Mix that well and use after each shower (which should be kept short and not too hot) and as much as needed if the dryness is still bothering you. It'll sting for a minute or two if you have open wounds but should provide huge relief within a few hours.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION:

Over a few bad weeks the itch and burn were preventing me from sleeping properly so I used antihistamines before going to bed to help me sleep. My tablets were called Phenergran 25mg (Promethazine Hydrochloride). It did knock me out for a good 12 hours though so I would take one pill at 6pm to make sure I didn't feel drowsy the following morning. 

Cotton gloves: I slept with those for a while when things were very bad and so I didn't wake up in a mess. 

TO RELIEVE THE ITCH/BURN:

Baths with Epson salts or oats

Oats masks (recipe here, see #4 https://www.gergo.net/single-post/2017/06/22/Cereal-Killer).

TEMPERATURE REGULATION:

Nothing to help with that I’m afraid. Just ensuring to have loads of layers of clothing handy for then those chills show up! It stops eventually.

HOMEOPATHY PILLS:

I used those for under a year I think and then again last Autumn during my last flare. Those are individually prescribed so if you are interested, please consult a Homeopath. I can highly recommend mine, who does (affordable) Skype consultation. DM me if interested.

DIET:

My diet remained more or less the same. I don't eat meat and get my fruits and veg from an organic farm. Also don't eat any ready meals. Ayurvedic medicine, which I really respect, associates pretty much every physical issues with what's happening with your guts, i.e. with what you eat. They for example recommend having a glass of water with lemon juice in the morning to clear things up and get a good dose of vitamin C. Chinese medicine, which I also relied on for a short period of time, recommends not eating onion, garlic (any vegetable that stems from a bulb) and any food that’s pungent or gave you bad breath as they can create an unbalance. Worth trying...

WATER:

Loads and loads and loads and loads.

Hope those are useful for anyone passing by. And here are two pictures of me these days to prove it does end eventually and living the good life is just round the corner :)

[feralgoing]

how to “solve” eczema

Over the years I have gotten so much advice from well wishers about how to cure my eczema/topical steroid withdrawal (because in my case, the condition that changed my life was TSW, which was caused by the treatment of eczema). While some of the suggestions may be useful, more often than not they aren’t, and it may not be because the advice is something I’ve already tried or something outlandish. It may be more so because advice about a single aspect in my life to change doesn’t do anything impactful, because eczema’s root cause can be anything but singular.

I know some people are lucky: they remove the allergen (mold, gluten, soy, eggs, nightshades, dairy, dust), they decrease their stress, they exercise more, they find a supplement that really works, and bam, no more eczema. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

My root cause seems to be tied to many different aspects, from overuse of topical steroids, to unresolved emotional issues after familial deaths, to increasing sensitivity to foods (on top of food allergies I was born with), to increasing discomfort with specific exercises and a sensitivity to heat and sweating, to insomnia and other sleep issues, etc. So being given a new product to try doesn’t really solve the other issues preventing me from quickly recovering from each flare.

What I do find interesting, is people that have learned to live with eczema (and/or topical steroid withdrawal) and the various lifestyle changes they have done to help keep their flares under control. I came across a post a while back called The Metaphysical Meaning of Eczema – Do People Get Under Your Skin, which I thought would just be talking about how my emotions cause my eczema, but I was pleasantly surprised to read the author’s inclusion of a whole host of other things she does in her life to help. Because yes, I am sensitive, both skin-wise and emotion-wise (I can now flare-up from heightened nervousness from public speaking, or due to misunderstanding over trivialities at the store) but, and I am indignant about this, my sensitivity didn’t cause my eczema, and it definitely didn’t cause my topical steroid withdrawal. It probably is the reason it takes me so long to heal (on top of the constant flow of changes in my life… e.g. getting married, moving 4 times, leaving my graduate program, buying a house, having a baby- all within the last 3 years). I have learned to be zen about skin-related sleep deprivation, about hives from foods I normally can consume, over having to adjust all forms of activity I enjoy, over forgiving myself for making “mistakes” that then provoked a flare, etc. I know I still have a ways to go to consistently help my emotions flow naturally and not build up stress, but I have made immense progress and my skin doesn’t always reflect that. Hence why I get up in arms when people try to reduce my condition down to me “just not doing x”.

Woof, okay so now that I’m done that rant, back to my initial idea around today’s topic. The point is, eczema can be a multifaceted b*tch of a condition, with varying twists and turns that dictate how it goes for different people. If you don’t believe me, try reading the experience of Daniel Boey in his book Behind Every Itch is a Back Story: The Struggles of Growing Up with Rash, or peruse any number of personal blogs out there these days about someone going through TSW.

My point is that while I am happy for people who find ways to rid themselves of eczema flares through a singular method, I find it frustrating when we see the gimmicks of “anyone can cure their eczema if they just do x!” and find it somewhat damaging to reduce all people with eczema into the same world because said singular solutions don’t work for everyone. I appreciate people that talk about the myriad of changes they have had to do, because it shows that the cause of eczema, as it is still unknown for the most part, requires different management for different people, hence why it is so hard to “solve”.

[dianacoronel75]

Day 1 Coursera Data management

I chose Gapminder, it represents several key indicators related with the achievement of the United Nations Millennium Development Goals; and this is close related with my job. 

My research questions:

a) Is the alcohol consumption higher when the income per person is also higher?

b) Is the alcohol consumption related with the suicide index?

c) Is the life expectancy directly related with the alcohol consumption?

The rationale for this questions is to evaluate the impact of alcohol consumption in other key variables that traditionally has been negatively correlated, nevertheless there are several new trials showing that alcohol consumption could have some positive impact in life expectancy as an example. 

Literature Review

Most people with alcohol-use disorders  are hard  to  identity, since they are likely to have jobs and families, and present with  general complaints  such  as  malaise,  insomnia, anxiety, sadness, or a range of medical problems (1).

Socioeconomic status (SES) is one of the many factors influencing a person's alcohol use and related outcomes. Findings have indicated that people with higher SES may consume similar or greater amounts of alcohol compared with people with lower SES, although the latter group seems to bear a disproportionate burden of negative alcohol-related consequences. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2012) conducted a population-based study of the association between heavy episodic drinking (HED) and several SES-related variables among adults (N = 457,677) in 48 States and Washington, DC. The findings indicated that people who did not graduate from high school and had a low income had the lowest prevalence of HED. In fact, HED prevalence increased with household income and was highest among those with a household income greater than $75,000 a year. However, among those respondents who did engage in HED, those who reported the lowest educational and income levels reported the highest frequency of HED and the highest quantity consumed per occasion (CDC 2012). Another population-based study conducted in New York City at the neighborhood level yielded similar findings (Galea et al. 2007). Specifically, the neighborhoods with the highest income and with the greatest income disparities showed the highest prevalence of alcohol use as well as greater frequency of drinking (2).

Besides the income, other important association with alcohol that has been widely studied is suicide. Risk factors for attempted and completed suicide in individuals with alcoholism include being male, older than approximately 50 years of age, living alone, being unemployed, poor social support, interpersonal losses, continued drinking, consumption of a greater amount of alcohol when drinking, a recent alcohol binge, previous alcohol treatment, a family history of alcoholism, a history of substance abuse (especially cocaine), major depressive episode, serious medical illness, suicidal communication, and prior suicidal behavior. Suicidal behavior is especially frequent in patients with comorbid alcoholism and major depression. However, all patients with alcoholism should be evaluated for suicide risk. Protective factors for suicide in alcoholism are quite varied and include an individual's biological and behavioral characteristics, as well as attributes of the environment and culture. Protective factors include effective clinical care for psychiatric (including alcoholism and drug abuse) and physical disorders, easy access to a  variety of clinical interventions and support for seeking help, restricted access to highly lethal means of suicide, strong connections to family and community support, skills in problem solving and conflict resolution, cultural and religious beliefs that discourage suicide and support self-preservation (3). A moderate alcohol consumption has been related with increase levels of optimism and happiness (4); it would be interesting to analyze is any correlation can be found in this data base.

Finally, another associated factor is HIV infection. African countr4ies with high rates of alcoholism also reportedly have higher rates of HIV infections (5); also the HIV stigma can contribute with substance use problems among people living with HIV (6)

 1.       Schuckit MA. Alcohol-use disorders. Lancet. 2009 Feb 7;373(9662):492-501. doi: 10.1016/S0140-6736(09)60009-X. Epub 2009 Jan 23. PMID: 19168210.

2.       Collins SE. Associations Between Socioeconomic Factors and Alcohol Outcomes. Alcohol Res. 2016;38(1):83-94. PMID: 27159815; PMCID: PMC4872618.

3.       Sher L. Risk and protective factors for suicide in patients with alcoholism. ScientificWorldJournal. 2006 Oct 31;6:1405-11. doi: 10.1100/tsw.2006.254. PMID: 17086346; PMCID: PMC5917221

4.       Trudel-Fitzgerald C, James P, Kim ES, Zevon ES, Grodstein F, Kubzansky LD. Prospective associations of happiness and optimism with lifestyle over up to two decades. Prev Med. 2019 Sep;126:105754. doi: 10.1016/j.ypmed.2019.105754. Epub 2019 Jun 18. PMID: 31220509; PMCID: PMC6697576.

5.       Muturi N. Gender and HIV infection in the context of alcoholism in Kenya. Afr J AIDS Res. 2015;14(1):57-65. doi: 10.2989/16085906.2015.1016986. PMID: 25920984.

6.       Felker-Kantor EA, Wallace ME, Madkour AS, Duncan DT, Andrinopoulos K, Theall K. HIV Stigma, Mental Health, and Alcohol Use Disorders among People Living with HIV/AIDS in New Orleans. J Urban Health. 2019 Dec;96(6):878-888. doi: 10.1007/s11524-019-00390-0. PMID: 31520231; PMCID: PMC6904691.

 Research Hypotheses

H1.- Highest levels of alcohol consumption are associated with the highest incomes

H2.- Suicide rates are increased in individuals with heavy alcohol consumption

H3.-  HIV rates are higher in individuals with heavy alcohol consumption.

[hazel-rah]

The way I’m going to have psoriasis until the day I die and my insurance doesn’t cover light treatment so I have no choice to either use steroids and risk TSW or just let it. Ruin my life

[eczend]

The Gentle Power of Nature: Soothing Solutions for Sensitive Skin

In this quest for good skin, many find themselves at this crossroads where innovation and nature meet. Amongst this quest, the allure of natural skin care products for eczema and psoriasis stands out, for patients suffering in pain hope to find solace. This is the core of gentle, plant-based remedies that herald a new age for skin care, emphasizing purity and efficacy. Order now

Two conditions of itchy skin that most times put one on endless trial of harsh chemicals are eczema and psoriasis, a red, raw, and persistently itching condition. However, there's a change in the trend to embrace ingredients that live up to the simplicity and wholesomeness of nature. This is no natural drug, it is a factor of a synthesized combination with the aim of wellness, combining the natural power of cure with the very mechanism of the body for regeneration and recovery.

Natural Allies Against Eczema: A Closer Look

The journey to perfect, natural skin care products for eczema is a personal and profound experience. Farther-reaching than skin-deep, eczema demands the quest of inflamed, itchy patches of skin. It seeks the nurturing touch of ingredients that are as kind to the skin as they are to the environment.

But in this light, the skin care of natural skin is not just skin care; it rises to a symphony of soothing oils, butters, and extracts. From the gentle caress of jojoba oil to the protective embrace of shea butter, these have been specially formulated for eczema conditions. They provide a barrier against irritants while hydrating the skin, allowing it to breathe and recover its balance.

Turning to Nature for Psoriasis Relief

It also exposed the search for really operative natural skin care products for psoriasis and the many botanic wonders that carry a balm against the pain. This 'thorniest' of skin diseases is an ordeal for both the spirit and skin, with all its pain and scales. But here comes itching relief from nature in the nourishing compounds that calm inflammation and help to smoothly level off the jagged edges of discomfort.

Pure natural components are used in manufacturing with respect to balance. Such ingredients as aloe vera and calendula, acknowledged worldwide for their healing properties, provide respectful care for the natural rhythms of your skin and give long-lasting, deep itching relief. This approach soothes the skin at the same time that it nurtures the peace and serenity of the being, which are an integral part of the holistic process.

The Path to TSW Recovery: Nature's Touch

Amidst the challenges meted out in all skin conditions, the extreme itching and burning of the skin in TSW (Topical Steroid Withdrawal) epitomizes them. The healing process is challenged to the maximum, and natural ways offer a ray of hope. TSW treatment, through nature's delicate touch, is a journey of rediscovery and re-learning.

Lining that path are products which shun harsh chemicals in favor of ingredients that whisper from the nurturing essence of the earth. These treatments hug skin in distress, focusing on healing and restoration, while gently guiding its way to recovery.

This search for itching relief is as unrelenting as it is universal to all manners of people suffering from sensitive skin conditions. It helps bring immediate relief to an itch with an advanced natural formulation that helps immediately relieve an itch using timeless knowledge in alternative medicines combined with today's cutting-edge scientific research. These products offer a cooling, calming respite from the incessant itch, bringing swift relief to troubled skin.

[shelleymarietalks]

When 2022 didn't start off the way we planned...

You will read in my last blog that 2022 hadn't started off great for me. It began with a big winter flare up which was also affected by thee covid booster jab then this resulted into me having to be put on Prednislone steroid tablets which I was assured wouldn't cause a relapse in withdrawal... Well it did! Alongside that I came down with a water and kidney infection, having an allergic reaction to the antibitoics I was given so as you can imagine the past few months have been horrendous. I had to take weeks on end off work and everytime I tried to go back, a few days in I would be sent home again and end up off with another sick note.

Due to my Mom and her now husband getting married in February I needed my skin to pick up and be at least manageable therefore I seeked help from a private clinic, Active Clinic in Birmingham where I attended 6 sessions of Whole Body and Facial Cryotherapy. What is Cryotherapy: "Our Whole Body Cryotherapy is an extreme cold treatment which is based on temperature between -120°C and -160°C. The standard treatments period of maximum 3 minutes in duration. The body undergoes an amazing physiological response to the extremely low temperatures in a Whole Body Cryotherapy chamber. When the brain receives signals registering the extent of the cold, it registers the impossibility of maintaining an average temperature if normal blood circulation is maintained in the outer layers of the skin. Receptors below the surface of the skin then direct the body’s nervous system to carry out a process called vasoconstriction – a narrowing of the arteries and blood vessels. The process leads to a reduction in the flow of blood to tired or damaged tissue, effectively shutting down the inflammation process and the development of swelling or bruising around an injury. As a result of this process, blood is retained in the body’s core and is flushed through the natural cycle and becomes enriched with oxygen, enzymes and nutrients as well as receiving an influx of hormones via the body’s endocrine system. At the end of the treatment, the normal body temperature will gradually be restored and as a result, normal blood flow is enhanced with the now enriched blood cells flooding the previously tired limbs."

Alongside the Whole Body Cryo I treated myself to the Facial. This I will definately be continuing with (alongside localised Cryo for the worst patches) once I have fully recovered from this relapse of Topical Steroid Withdrawal and Eczema flare up as I just found it so relaxing and great for my mental health :)

With having to research into this skin condition and basically self diagnosing myself because GPs and Dermatologists still refuse to acknowledge it, it was amazing to find the specialists at Active Skin Clinic so supportive recognising TSW and raising awareness of this on their website and social media platforms. I shall share the link below to the clinic as they not only do Cryotherapy but a range of other therapies for conditions and wellbeing. I cannot recommend these lovely people enough!

https://activeclinics.co.uk/

Before and After Photos:

February 2022 (Top) - April 2022 (Bottom)

Still a long way to go, but we are getting there...

Since having a break both physically and financially from Cryotherapy and after an appointment with my Dermatologist I am now having Phototherapy on the NHS. This consists of me going to Walsall Manor Hospital every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a session. The session lasts anything from 10 seconds and gradually increases up to 2/3 minuites. I am currently at 33 seconds. The sessions increase as the weeks go on and I will be having the treatment for 3 months. Personally the Phototherapy is a bit of a glorified sunbed in my opinion but with the NHS funding this and it being the only treatment left on the list for me to try (having refused immunosuppressants and steroids again) I have taken up the offer and it is actually helping slightly, especially with the redness and the itch as time goes on.

I am now back at work after a sucsessful HR Meeting. It is lovely to recieve such support and help from an workplace as I have had many problems in previous jobs where I have been told "it is just eczema, bring your creams and get on with it", not actually realising that there are far more dibilitating symtoms to eczema, especially those going through Topical Steroid Withdrawal.

As mentioned in my previous blog I am extremely lucky and eternally grateful to recieve such support from those around me, which is needed a hell of a lot if you are going through this condition but mentally and physically. This relapse and this time around I have suffered alot of pain up the insides of my legs, around my stomach and up my sides and back which I can only describe as a chinese burn sensation when moving. We think this could be my skin stretching as it is healing but also some nerve pain. I have been taken off Amitryptline due to Phototherapy and am now taking Pregabelin for the nerves and anxiety which I hope helps. I have just stopped using Cetreban (blog coming soon as to why I dislike paraffin based creams) and have finally been able to use my normal moisturisers again. I am too-ing and fro-ing with a couple at the moment as I have noticed since this flare my skin has become more sensative and dislikes things I have used in the past, but once In am settled I shall do a blog on the products I am using then.

If you know of anyone suffering with a chronic illness and skin condition please send them a little love today, they may need it <3

Sending youb all lots of love xx

P.s Happy Easter!

[vishakha58]

Sourced Solutions for Topical Steroid Withdrawal

The length of intense effective corticosteroid withdrawal and time to top is variable from days to months, before in the end the skin becomes 'ordinary'. It can require a long time to years to get back to its unique condition.Taking oral corticosteroids for half a month can assist your body with changing halting effective corticosteroids and lessen manifestations of TSW. Utilizing cold packs. Cold packs and other skin calming medicines may likewise be suggested. Taking anti-toxins.

 The possibly incapacitating manifestations of TSW can  TSW Assist incorporate consuming, sobbing, chipping, shedding, stripping, spreading, expanding, redness, wrinkling, meager skin, discharge filled knocks, breaking, tingling, knobs, torment, sleep deprivation, going bald, shuddering, exhaustion, sorrow and disability.Most instances of TSW have been found in individuals who utilize mid to high strength skin steroids, for instance triamcinolone 0.1 to 0.5% cream or salve and mometasone 0.1% cream or balm, among others.

 The least demanding method for staying away from effective steroid withdrawal is to utilize effective steroids cautiously, especially assuming you realize you have a more noteworthy shot at having withdrawal issues — it's been found that grown-up ladies inclined to becoming flushed are the most weak while applying effective steroids to the skin on their faces.Thinning of the skin has forever been viewed as a typical issue. Notwithstanding, ongoing examination recommends that this chiefly happens when high-strength steroids are utilized under sealed shut dressings. In typical normal use skin diminishing is far-fetched and, in the event that it happens, it regularly turns around when the effective steroid is halted.

 While there is no demonstrated best advantage to-hazard proportion, assuming that drawn out utilization of an effective steroid on a skin surface is required, a heartbeat treatment ought to be attempted. Beat treatment alludes to the utilization of a corticosteroid back to back days every week or two.When skin steroid drug is halted, the skin encounters redness, consuming, a profound and wild tingle, scabs, hot skin, enlarging, hives or potentially overflowing for a time span

 The end half existence of prednisone is around 3 to 4 hours. This is the time it takes for your body to lessen the plasma levels considerably. It generally takes around 5.5 x half-life for a medication to be totally killed from your system.The most normal indication of slim skin is that it appears to be practically straightforward. In such cases, the individual might have the option to see his/her ligaments, bones, or veins without any problem. This skin type is inclined to harm, and patients might even notification tears or injuries on their skin after the most minor wounds.

[miraridoctor]

If you're struggling with the painful, debilitating symptoms of topical steroid withdrawal (TSW), also known as Red Skin Syndrome, you may be searching for treatments to help manage your condition and promote healing. One controversial approach that ... #Mirari #MirariDoctor #MirariColdPlasma #ColdPlasma

[raahacupuncture]

Acupuncture Near Me is a form of treatment that involves inserting very thin needles through a person’s skin at specific points on the body, to various depths. Acupuncture for TSW helps stimulate the nerves to regenerate faster, resulting in speeding up recovery time. The certified acupuncturists offer effective treatment for different kinds of pains.

[freeroulillos]

3 years and 3 months: it’s all good except on bad days

I celebrated 3 years of TSW 3 months ago. It was uneventful but still I was happy. I had originally planned on having a dinner with friends because after not celebrating my 2 years anniversary I felt shite. I just wanted to shout it out loud everywhere around me: I HAVE GONE THROUGH HELL AND NOW I’M ALMOST BACK TO NORMAL!! LOOK AT ME!!

When 3 years came Mario was just like: really, you’re going to invite friends to celebrate something that YOU have achieved? Me me me. That’s incredibly self centred. So I cancelled. But it felt good to go through the thought process.

Anyway, my skin’s been pretty good and every now and then when the subject of TSW comes up and I explain that I have, and still am I guess, going through it, people’s reaction is always, REALLY? But you have such amazing skin?! I don’t personally thing it’s “Amazing” but it’s still 100 better than before going through TSW.

Since May (my 3 years anniversary) I have also stopped wearing skin makeup. No foundation, no concealer, no eye shadow, no blush, no contouring or highlighting... Just mascara, eyebrows and lipstick. It’s been alright because I’ve been pretty tanned thanks to the sunny hiking but I don’t know what I’ll look like in the winter!

So yes, it’s all been pretty good in the skin department and I’ve managed to keep my stress levels pretty low. Spring was just a great time with things going well at work and loads of hiking and sun. I fell in love with the Cairngorms and added a decent amount of KMS to my 2018 tally.

But not everyday is a good day even 3 years on and I want to talk about that.

This weekend I had planned to go for lunch with Mario and all of a sudden after putting my treatment (rose water and glycerin mix) on, I became possessed by the mother of all itches. It was the most horrible thing. So much so that I started asking myself - what’s worse? Being itchy or in pain? Because there’s something about being itchy that just turns you crazy, bonkers, mental. You twitch and scream. And that makes you hurt yourself more than you were hurt in the first place. I think I’ve since reached the conclusion that being itchy is worst than being in pain.

So I just laid on the bed like a starfish and tried to give meditation a go. Just to try and focus my breathing and not scratch. It was hard and it didn’t fully help but at least it meant I was acknowledging what was happening and was trying to resolve it. Half an hour and an anti-anti-histamine pill later, it started calming down and I tried getting dress again.

My skin since hasn’t been great and it’s definitely due to the stress I’m facing at work. Last August my face was a real mess and this August I have some patches as well as spontaneous itchy crises so who know, maybe next year it’ll be almost ok? It’s a slow progress thing...

Now we’re getting closer to being busier and busier with our August project I can feel my skin getting itchier so I’m off home to make an almond + oats face and arms mask in the hope that it will help me feel better. 

Positivity, hope and patience are my best allies to kill this bitch.

Cam