#So we actually used art supplies :3 If only we could actually think of anything anyone wanted to draw/color :(

[sepiasys]

Journaling while waiting for a potential package to arrive (which was supposed to be here weeks ago but UPS sucks ass at their job)

Cried due to a realization that we’ve probably had already, but not in these specific words before </3

Will we change anything, though? No. We’re still scared :)

Besides. We are not a qualified therapist, even if we can be a therapist friend type sorta (sometimes). I think I would prefer a trusted professional to help us work through the issues we recognize =w=;;

[burnwater13]

Concept Art by Ryan Church depicting the interior of the Razor Crest bridge filling with water as the Mandalorian stands within it. Image from The Mandalorian, Season 2, Episode 3, The Heiress.

Back in Reality

It took every beskar enrobed fiber of  Din Djarin’s being to not laugh as Grogu walked back and forth, waving his arms, stomping his feet and then shaking his little green fist. The kid wasn’t having a tantrum. Not really. It was clear that he was angry about something, but he wouldn’t slow down enough to explain what he was angry about. 

The best information the Mandalorian had gotten from his apprentice was when Grogu began to curse in Mando’a and he heard something that could be roughly translated to ‘stupid Sith ruin everything’. Djarin couldn’t disagree with that. Mandalorians might have spent a huge amount of time fighting the Jedi, but the ‘darjetii’ were considered an even bigger problem. 

But why Grogu was ranting about that while they were just having a pleasant afternoon on Nevarro completely eluded him. They hadn’t had any problems with Imps lately. They’d been planning some trips to visit friends like Peli Motto and Cobb Vanth on Tatooine, with a possible stop over on Sorgan or even Takodana. The only thing he’d told Grogu was that he really didn’t want to visit Trask this time. 

The last time they were there he’d found seaweed and a couple of those ridiculous looking, but tasty octo-crab critters. He hated when that happened to the Razor Crest, but it was even worse in the N-1. The stupid thing was scuttling around his seat and managed to get a good pinch in before he had a chance to deal with it permanently. Djarin was glad that he had a small supply of bacta, but he’d had to wait until they actually reached Nevarro before he could apply it. 

He didn’t think that Grogu really cared about missing out on Trask. Niebla and her husband, along with Tad and their other children, were actually off planet visiting family on Glee Anselm. Djarin had checked because Grogu had really wanted to Tad to see how much taller he’d grown since they’d last met. Djarin supposed that every centimeter counted when your species fell somewhere between Anzellans and Jawas on that parameter. 

No, it must be something else. Grogu hadn’t liked Trask very much even when they were just there to visit their frog friends. It had been smelly, cold, windy, and unfriendly, except for Niebla and her family. Even the other Mandos they had met there hadn’t been on anything like their best behavior. He wasn’t really surprised at Axe Woves or even Koska Reeves, but Bo-Katan had been less of an ideal leader and Djarin hadn’t really forgotten that, even with all the time that had passed since that visit. 

Maybe that was the problem that Grogu was ranting about? Djarin had suggested that they make a visit to Mandalore. Axe had asked him to visit and they really didn’t have anything better to do. But between the comments about who Mandalorians were and weren’t, what the Creed demanded and what it apparently didn’t care about as long as the former Mand’alor did it, Grogu had expressed, more than once, his general frustration with all things Mandalorian. 

Grogu had summed it all up in one of his rare comments in Gal Basic. “Not fun”.  He wasn’t wrong. Nothing about that trip had been fun. Djarin still had pains in his back and shoulders from that wretched mech-using critter, among other things. Having to fight so many warriors and then protecting him and the former Mand’alor when Axe crashed the Imp ship into the planet to destroy their dank farrik hidden base there… that hadn’t been fun for either one of them. 

“Hey, buddy, are do you have a minute? I thought we could talk about our next trip.”

Grogu looked up at him and Djarin was certain that he’d seen a brief glimmer of irritation. When Grogu ranted he liked to just do it and get it over and done with. It was pretty clear to the Mandalorian that Grogu was in no way, shape, or form done with whatever internal monologue he was engulfed by and wouldn’t be for a while.

“You know what, I’m sorry I interrupted you. Carry on.”

Grogu trotted off and continued with his silent diatribe and again Din Djarin had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing. He was pretty sure he’d just fall down and roll on the floor because there was just something so comical about his son’s behavior. Instead, he went back to the food prep area in the multipurpose room and began to make them both something to eat. 

That was always the best thing to cure Grogu of a bad case of the internal monologue. Feed him. As soon as he’d had a flash frozen froglet, or a gorg on a stick, or even a fire stack, he relaxed and whatever tension had been causing the rant seemed to leak right out of him. He slowed down a little. He actually chewed his food. He grinned at his dad. And as long as he didn’t forget to keep his mouth closed while he did it, Djarin found it kind of endearing. On the occasions that didn’t happen, well, he and Grogu spent too much time searching for errant frogs and cleaning up after them. 

Just as he was heating up a small pot of bone broth for them to share, he felt a thud against his right leg. Grogu was hugging it as if he might never let go.

“Hey, buddy. It’s okay. Everything’s fine.”

Grogu was looking up at him with tears welling in his eyes. 

“Love you, Dad”.

“I love you too, Son. I love you too.”

Dank Farrik! Now Djarin’s eyes were filling with tears. 

This is the Way.

[the-owl-house-takes]

I absolutely hate the argument that Luz can be excused for her actions and people have no right to dislike her just because she’s neurodivergent. I struggled immensely in school both academically and socially in large to my own “neurodivergence”-can I just say I hate that word-but I was never so stupid as to think about bringing live animals and fireworks inside my school. The fact that Luz, the 14-year-old daughter of a veterinarian, saw a bunch of living, breathing animals and thought-‘yeah, I’m gonna use those as props! My book report is gonna be so cool! I surely can’t just use rubber snakes!’ Which probably why they were so damn aggressive! Because snakes only really bite and attack when they’re threatened, or stressed, or pissed off! Which really does not paint Luz as being a very caring or thoughtful person!

“But that’s the point! She needs to get better and she does!”-No she absolutely fucking does not. Instead of realizing that she can’t just run away and live in fantasy-land, the show again and again reaffirms that Luz can do no wrong, everybody else never should’ve felt angry about her reckless idiocy-because that’s what it is, idiocy-she gets to live out her little fantasy world and do whatever she wants. The way the show acts like the principal giving the summer camp pamphlet was some horrible evil thing, how could anyone do that? B I T CH LUZ IS FUCKING LUCKY that she weren’t expelled or arrested! She brought EXPLOSIVES WITH THE INTENT OF SETTING THEM OFF INSIDE A SCHOOL BUILDING. In an area of mass shoring fears and schools prohibiting anything can looks like or emulates(even if it is just a foam sword or something), Luz really should’ve just taken two seconds to think to at least leave the fireworks. Course at 14 I would think that a person who have the common sense for that to never be a thought.

And no, “neurodivergence” is not an excuse. It pains me when characters in media doing stupid shit and senseless(especially when it gets on the audience’s nerves) gets pinned on having autism or ADHD like it makes it okay, and that the character can’t be blamed or held accountable for it. Why do people hold those with these conditions to such low standards? When this happens, it feels like people are saying, “Yeah, this could’ve easily caused grievous bodily harm or death but they’ve got anxiety and autism, so we can’t be mad, they couldn’t possibly know better because they’re simply not on our level, they’re too stupid to understand!” Hell no. Stop giving excuses! The “I’m literally neurodivergent and a minor” attitude does not work in court!

And maybe if they understood this and actually challenged Luz on being very episodic on learning her lessons and that she did in fact run away to avoid consequences of her actions and reality won’t bend to her interests and she can’t treat everything like it’s a fanfiction instead of beating the dead horse with another dead horse about how Luz ““““helped”””” Belos when all she did was teach him one glyph and got used as bait by someone who she KNOWS tricked her. By that logic Lilith is just as responsible for Belos meeting the Collector as Luz is. Yeah she’s 14 but did it really have to stretch through the entirety of season 3?

Because season 3 is where I officially knew that Luz hadn’t learned a thing. The way the show frames the art teacher giving Luz the side eye like it’s wrong for her to distrust the kid who used the art supplies-that she probably paid out of pocket for-to infest the school with spiders and snakes and then would’ve blown it up if she hadn’t gotten sent to the principal’s office is so out of pocket. She has every right to view Luz with suspicion! People don’t tend to like others who make a mess in their areas with their stuff, shocker. I’ve already said a bit about the summer camp thing, but seriously, a summer camp that teaches teens about mortgages, how to manage a bank account and checkbook, do taxes, etc is literally the best thing Luz could’ve gotten out of that situation. She would’ve learned something many people complain wasn’t taught to them at a young age AND would’ve met people who she could easily befriended. Yeah, it’s boring and Luz probably would’ve checked out of the situation but it’s better than juvie! Also boring stuff is apart of life, it’s part of the way we can live the way we do because everything is easier said than done. Also with Camila, it’s a dumb retcon to have her not understand anime or Luz’s interests in Season 1 and 2 but a secret nerd who just got put down by the man in season 3. Like, Camila had to make a change with Luz, because 14 is not far from 18, and if Luz did do something stupid that ended up being a crime, she could very well be charged as an adult.

Then the whole ‘I just wanna be understood!’ Luz, honey, you’ve been surrounded by people who understand you and don’t get mad when you mess up, even if it’s spectacularly. Your girlfriend literally immediately told you she essentially wanted to spend the rest of her life by your side right after you got revealed as a liar which you promised you wouldn’t do anymore. Your best buds have always been on your side even when you’ve gone behind their backs. Your mom was sending you to that camp bc she had too, even though she originally believed it would expose you to kids with similar interests that could be befriended. And again, her hands were tied, because you were being reckless to the point of danger. But oh wait, it’s all okay now because you’re ‘understood’.

Not finding that happy balance where you can express yourself but not act like an idiot or endanger yourself and others, just some vague ‘understanding’ by an anonymous ‘them’. Do you mean everyone, all the time has to understand you the way Camila, Eda, King, Willow, Gus, Amity and Hunter do? Because that’s not how real life works.

And this isn’t a character hate-though I do hate the way Luz was finished-this is on the writers for not going through with the themes of Fantasy Vs. Reality they had going that could’ve taught Luz that balance and management; which in my personal opinion, would’ve been a better arc for a person with ADHD.

-

[lunamaraproject]

LUNAMARA: Fragments [5]

💥

If Felix closes his eyes, he can pretend that the distant rumble is merely thunder. That the pattering against the canvas of the tent is just the rain. That the cries of shock and pain are…

Well, his imagination isn’t all that good.

“Why is it that I’m always the one who has to patch you up?” Cas grumbles, Felix’s wrist held delicately in his hands as they glow with magic. The wound isn’t that deep honestly, but you’d think he was about to lose the hand if Cas wasn’t there to heal him.

“You say that like you’d let anyone else do it,” Felix teases, and receives a sharp look for his attempt to lighten the mood.

“It wouldn’t make us very good morale boosters if they saw us getting blown to pieces,” he snaps, before turning his attention back to the gash. Felix’s own crystal has hardened around the wound itself, leaving a large chunk missing, a ravine between his palm and his forearm. Actually, with the right angle, it is possible that someone could chip a little further in, and then he really would lose his hand. The pain is dull, and it tingles as Cas uses his own magic to fill in the gap, glimmering midnight obsidian against garishly bright fire-opal.

Temporary measures secured, Cas closes a gold cuff around Felix’s wrist and sits back to inspect his work. Like this, you can’t even see the injury.

“It’s only a chip,” Felix utters softly. “And we’re more than just morale boosters.”

Cas huffs an unamused snort out of his nose as he stands up, moving back over to the medical supply kit. “I’m not a military grade healer and you’re not a military grade anything, so tell me what exactly we’re here for, Fel.”

“Hey, I resent that! I’ve been really useful!” Felix frowns.

He doesn’t even get a reply to that one, as Cas pulls his armour back on, marking him as a medic. Felix worries about him when he’s walking around with a great big target on his back. The enemy has shown they’re not averse to shooting non-combatants. For all that Cas frets about Felix’s safety, he’s the one who is most at risk here. There’s only 15 years between them, but that’s enough for Cas to assume that Felix doesn’t know how to take care of himself, or what their real purpose is here.

And it’s not for morale. The soldiers that see him and Cas rarely ever smile.

Anger is a great motivator. Poor wretched orphans, we - your starfolk brethren - will avenge your losses for you.

Like Felix even asked.

Another great rumble of not-distant-enough thunder, another chunk of a beautiful world rendered into ash and dirt to rain down on the surface again, wrenching trees from the soil, lakes from their beds, and people from their lives. Felix would rather not have any of it associated with his name, nor with Cas’.

But the Queen said they had to, and what authority have either of them got to say no?

🌗

More from LUNAMARA:

Fragments [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]<-- More every Thursday!

Comic [Prologue]

Art by Luka (http://nousanti.tumblr.com/) Story by Pidge (http://pidgestories.tumblr.com/)

[metfell]

<- posts about c!beeduo still in 2024

🕊 RIP old pinned 9/24/2020-5/7/2023 you had a good run o7 🕊

CARRD | PRONOUNS.CC | KO-FI | TWITTER | FR LAIR 68141

BOUNDARIES AND ASK FAQ BELOW THE CUT:

BOUNDARIES:

I block liberally. please don't ask me or my friends why I have you blocked, it's probably nothing personal.

I am not going to tell you how I figured out I was a system, and I am equally not qualified to tell you if YOU are a system.

I am not a therapist I am just some guy(s).

Do not jokingly insult me if we are not friends. Do not call me bitch, whore, slut, etc. I do not know you. Even if we're mutuals, please ask me first.

Dreamwastaken fans do not fucking interact. honestly in general cc!dreamteam fans do not interact.

Will Gold/ cc!Wilbur Soot fans do not interact.

You can ask me to tag for anything, though I may say no. I will sometimes ask you why you want something tagged, and that's so I can better accommodate that tag in the future. if you do not want to divulge that information, that's fine with me I get it, it's a personal thing.

Spam asks will be IP blocked. This means you will never be able to send me an anonymous ask again. Think before you send me an ask.

Please keep comments about my art in the tags, not the body of the post.

Spam liking/reblogging is perfectly fine, I don't mind at all. Just queue or reblog my art if you're going to spam-like it.

Ask me for permission before using my art in edits or stimboards.

Icon usage does not require asking me, but please add credit somewhere easily visible like your description or pinned post.

I don't use tone indicators unless I believe my message could genuinely be misinterpreted. Examples would be sarcasm or teasing.

If you do use tone indicators with me, please put the whole word. Examples: "/copypasta" "/joking" "/lighthearted".

FAQ:

Q: What art supplies do you use? How long have you been drawing? Do you do commissions?

A: I use 8x11 Strathmore Sketch books, and a very very large collection of Copic, Arrtx, and Ohuhu markers. For paintings, I use Strathmore Bristol paper in either size 11x14 or 18x24, and a mixture of various liquitex acrylic paints. A: I have been drawing since around 2010! A: In general, no. However, I actually will take commissions if you message me through Flight Rising and trade me treasure, gems, or rare apparel items! My Flight Rising followers get only the best <3

Q: Can we be friends?

A: Despite how extroverted I may seem, I'm actually incredibly nervous about speaking to new people. Send asks off anon, add tags to my art, and just hang out, and I'll probably consider us friends! If not, it's nothing personal, I'm just cagey.

Q: What is with the Ranboo's secret tumblr bit?? ..... Are you?????

A: No, it's just a running joke from 2021 lmao. Ranboolive has his own actual tumblr now but people just love pretending like I'm still his secret account

hey guys I made a new pinned are you proud of me anyways like the post if you read all of this

[addressing-creeperchild]

I'm speaking out not because I think I have anything extra to add onto the Evidence, but because I'd Like to help confirm it.

Please keep in mind this was a year ago, so somethings might be slightly off.

So, one of My first interactions I had with Freddy, was when I joined the server. I joined it right around the start of it's formation, maybe like two days after. I was new to the Fandom, and Freddy was one of the first people I interacted with.

I can't remember how it started, but I'm pretty sure that I was the first one in the server, publicly (could be wrong, but idk), who was shown spicy (not downright Nsfw) images. But where it had come from with me, is I had made a joke about me not simping for anyone, and Freddy had teased me about it.

First I believe it was actually in the role play areas, where Freddy did one scene where he was playing as Shamura, and was flirting with my CoTL Sona, which I thought was all good fun.

Then it progressed to the buffmura images, which I didn't mind originally, in fact, I liked the images, and the art. I got flustered with the images and teasing and I enjoyed it, granted, it started out way less spicy, and originally it didn't include my Sona expressly in it. I still, had figured that it was just harmless fun, after all, me and my irl friends poke fun at each other, and sometimes make innapropriet jokes.

But then the images started getting spicier, and they sometimes included my sona, which back then, I still hadn't realized it was a bad thing.

And then the Soft-Nsfw event happened. And the teasing stopped, he even got annoyed at me if I made a joke about it, and I remember feeling guilty and wondering if I had done something wrong to make it stop. Because Freddy was an Idol, I looked up to him and thought of him as a friend, so I was actually sad when it stopped.

In the server, I never gave my specific age, (Always giving an age range of 3 years) but I expressly let them know that I was a Minor, so that nothing inappropriate would happen, because I knew that the internet was a Dangerous place.

Another thing I should have realized, was that I never gave my Sona a specific age. It didn't feel quite right, because I liked to be able to play whatever role was required in the role play with it. It may have been assumed to be 18, but I had never said anything about it, or even shipped my Sona with a character, except for some slight things like Simping for Shamura, because that's what I did.

Another incident that happened, was when I was using Freddy's Shamura bot, and I was either messaging it to them, or we were in a voice call, but we talked and laughed about how it was breaking the filter.

Admittedly, Even up to a few days ago, I never realized that this might be inappropriate behavior, I had heard rumor that Freddy had grooming allegations, but I didn't believe them at first because of how Freddy had said in the server, that the Suggestive images were getting out of hand, and that he didn't want to have the server be an unsafe space for Minors, which furthered my thought that there wasn't anything inapropriate with those incidents.

But when I heard my friends tell me themselves, and when I saw the evidence I realized that it wasn't okay, and I figured that I should talk about it. Specifically because of the fact I didn't have any clue that it wasn't appropriate.

I unfortunately can't supply screenshots because I had an account change and he never messaged me on my new one, as well as me Not having access to the Discord.

But there were some images that I don't think were shared in the Discord, because they were drawn on Gartic Phone. So I just wanted to put that out there as well.

He only got mad because Sarai caught him. We are so sorry you had't realized, even expressing you were a minor was not enough to keep him from discussing NSFW topics with you.

[starsandgutters]

Spooky Fics Round 2

Did not make it anywhere near 31 lmaooo but an attempt was made

Round 1

Time Can Do So Much | T | 12k words | Ghost AU

“Well, that explains it, doesn’t it? They messed up, must have booked all their rooms out already, and so they put you in the haunted dorm.” “It’s not haunted,” Kevin says flatly. “Hellooooo. Mr Ghost, are you there?” “If it was a kid that went to the school, I doubt his name was Mr Ghost.” “Can you imagine. What a coincidence.” The door creaks. They both look towards it, but it is still under their joined gazes. “Just the wind,” Jeremy says. “I didn’t think it was a ghost anyway,” Kevin says. “Ghosts aren’t real.”

2. Time of the Month | E | 7.1k words | Werewolf AU

“You are so beautiful,” Kevin murmurs near his ear. “Look at how thick and gorgeous your fur is. And your paw is nearly the size of my head. You could kill me.” Aaron whines in protest. “I know you won’t, but you could. It’s incredible that you don’t. You’re amazing, Aaron.”

3. Blood On My Hands (Like the Blood in You) | M | 12.8k words | Carrie AU

“You’re the devil,” Tilda hisses through her compressed throat. “If your version of god is the one that exists, then I would rather be the devil.” Aaron pulls her forward and slams her back against the wall as she slowly walks through the doorway into the living room. The crosses hanging in the room rattle. There are a lot of them. There’s a particularly large one over the fireplace, the bottom of it sharpened into a point. Aaron could draw it off the hook, turn it so that point is facing Tilda’s chest, and drive it home. There would be a poetic justice to that, she thinks. 

4. The Arts and That Other Stuff | T | 6.5k words | Kinda Love verse

“We should do things for Halloween.” “I think we’re going to Eden’s.” “I know. I don’t mean like a big thing for actual Halloween. I mean we, just us, should do things leading up to it.” “What got you thinking this?” Aaron noses at Kevin’s jaw until he tilts his head, leaves space for Aaron to burrow into the curve of his neck. “You like Halloween.” “Yeah?” “So we should do things for it. I don’t really need much more motivation than making you happy.” “Sap.” Aaron nips at Kevin’s neck. “Okay, vampire.” “I vant to suck your blood,” Aaron sleepily murmurs in a terrible Dracula impression, though not as bad as Kevin’s when he tries to mimic him back. “I vant to suck your dick.”

5. O Knight On Rusty Bicycle | E | 22.3k words | Zombie Apocalypse & Omegaverse AU

“We’re not keeping him. Our supplies are stretched thin enough as it is.” “You kept Neil.” “That’s different.” “Heh. Right. Yeah. Because he batted his big blue eyes at you and you couldn’t say no.” “No, because Neil is a beta. He does not draw attention to us, and his presentation is useful in a lot of scenarios. He does not flag the same attention we do, can navigate situations without pheromones flaring.” “Yeah, just running his mouth we have to worry about.”

6. You Are The Girl That I've Been Dreaming Of (Ever Since I Was A Little Girl) | E | 8.1k words | Jennifer's Body AU

“You’re killing people.” “I'm killing boys, Aaron.” “What the fuck? That doesn’t make it okay. Jean’s a boy. Does that mean you’re going to kill him?” “Obviously not. Only boys who deserve it.” “Mario didn’t do anything!” “He made you sad.”

7. I'd Be Anywhere That You Are | E | 8.1k words | Kinda Love verse

“Sorry this isn’t the most exciting Halloween,” Aaron says, stifling a yawn against Kevin’s arm. It’s not always easy to plan things around their work schedules - see the forever delayed wedding - and Aaron knew he would be tired from his early shift. “I don’t care. Halloween’s your favourite holiday, not mine. I’m sorry yours wasn’t exciting.” “This is good.” They’ve done lots of things for Halloween before. They’ve done the party, ghost tours, haunted houses, and fancy dress nights out. Maybe Aaron is getting old, but he does appreciate a quiet night at home with Kevin. Sometimes their schedules mean that even though they live together, they just pass each other at the door. Only an hour or so overlap here or there, or Aaron forgoing sleep to see Kevin when he’s working nights. (Kevin would probably make this sacrifice if he were capable of not absolutely passing out on the couch while waiting.) Even when their schedules do align, they’re often exhausted from work, and do little more than make dinner and clean up before they’re ready for bed. “This is good.” Kevin dots kisses down Aaron’s cheek.

[yardsards]

sir you must tell me everything about adamellie at your earliest convenience.

as well as perhaps a visual depiction via art or picrew???

goobnight

okay so here is a picrew of her i made bc i have art block (it's not perfect like i think her hair is curlier than this, and i'm still unsure on certain details or her clothes, but Close Enough)

and here's an adventurer's bible style character sheet:

full name: adamellie of the house of wynd

age: 47

race/gender: half elf, half half-foot / female

birthplace: the southern central continent 

relatives: father, mother (likely deceased), step-mother, half-sister

build: 120 cm, 22 bmi

likes: custard, oysters

dislikes: anything with a visible face (i.e. fish heads)

first death: treasure insects

(though some of this may be subject to change, especially her age. half-elves tend to mature at unpredictable rates and idk what maturity timeline i like best for her. maturity-wise she's in her early 20s, though. like, she is definitely an adult but her prefrontal cortex isn't quite done cooking yet)

okay so adamellie's existence kinda came from three main different thoughts

1: the corpse collectors/revival office are fascinating, i wonder what other kinds of financial exploitation can occur in the dungeon, like "pay for my services or you will literally die without them" situations

2: teleportation magic is interesting, especially those scrolls like mr tansu used. i wonder how someone could take advantage of those sorts of mechanics in a story that is so much about traversing a physical space

3: we see half-elves that are half-tallman. and the adventurer's bible mentions that tallmen can have fertile offspring with ogres or half-foots, as can gnomes with dwarves. i wonder what other combinations could exist

so adamellie's thing is like. so teleportation scrolls work like this, right?

well she basically saw the "this technique shouldn't be used unless absolutely necessary" and was like "hm yeah but what if i did anyway?" (it's risky and dubiously legal but that ain't stopping her)

she's got a few storerooms on the surface that she packs absolutely full of adventuring supplies. mostly food and drinks and medicine and mana herbs, but a couple spare bedrolls and clothes and weapons and whatnot as well.

she's got a teleportation scroll hooked up to each of her storerooms, and when she needs something, she just unfurls one of her scrolls, reaches in, and pulls whatever she needs out from her storeroom. it's not quite a bag of holding, but it's pretty damn close

it's a pretty unstable technique, but miraculously she's managed to not die or lose any limbs from this method yet, so she sees no reason to change it. the main mishaps she's encountered thus far are

1: on occasion, the scroll she carries with her randomly loses connection with the storeroom it's linked to, meaning she loses access to about a quarter of her inventory. sometimes she's able to reopen it, but doing so is very costly in terms of time and mana, so she typically just counts it as a loss for this trip. this has happened many times

2: a few times, she's gone through the scroll, either to escape a dangerous situation or to try and grab something from deep in the storeroom, and the portal closed behind her. this meant she was forced to exit through the storeroom's actual door and return to the surface many weeks before she had planned

3: she found a corpse on a lower floor while she was out of mana, so she put it in one of her storerooms for safekeeping until she could recover her mana and revive him. the scroll failed while the body was in there, meaning the corpse was no longer part of the dungeon and was just in some random storage closet on the surface, so the guy was unrevivable. oopsie daisies! (she only made this mistake once but it was a real mess)

4: thieves on the surface broke into a couple of her storerooms, breaking the spell (and stealing her stuff). she's been very careful to avoid this since then, using very strong locks on the physical doors of the storerooms.

despite the risks though, this is a pretty effective strategy in a dungeon where one of the biggest obstacles is your access to supplies. so what is she doing with it? is she an invaluable asset to some party hoping to defeat the mad mage? nah.

she's not sure she believes in the golden kingdom prophesy (and she thinks other monetary ventures like gold stripping, monster-culling, and selling research are all oversaturated markets). and she thinks that a party would just slow her down and attract unnecessary monster attention (and take a cut of her profits) anyway. she's just in the game to make a quick buck with her unique strategy.

she is a merchant, selling wares from her storerooms to desperate adventurers on lower floors, for absolutely exorbitant prices. it's not like they're in any position to haggle food prices when they're starving, after all. (she also does occasional healing or resurrection magic when she finds someone injured or dead, demanding high fees afterwards. if they refuse to pay, she says "okay, then do you want me to undo what i just did and injure/kill you again?" (she is absolutely bluffing. she sucks shit at fighting.) and if someone cannot afford to pay her in the moment, she makes them sign a contract that they'll repay her later, and puts a tracking charm on them)

she plays it fast and loose in the dungeon, traveling alone and spending a lot of time in lower floors. she uses her stealth skills, supplemented with magic, to sneak past monsters. when she's in a really dangeous situation (whether because a monster noticed her, or because an adventurer got Really Mad at her) she'll hop through one of her scrolls to the safety of her storerooms.

every couple months (or more, often if/when her scrolls fail) she returns to the surface to restock her storerooms and reset/repair/replace her teleportation scrolls. then, once that's done, she returns to the dungeon, trying to reach the lower floors again as quickly as possible.

she calls herself heroic, bringing food to the starving and reviving people at levels that most corpse retrievers often avoid. adventurers have mixed feelings on her. on one hand, running into her when you're in need can be a literal life saver. on the other hand, she is exploiting people while they're at their lowest

i will tell more about her and her backstory and family later bc it is A Doozy and this post is already insanely long lol (update: backstory has been added via reblog)

[aurumacadicus]

My kingdom for fics where okay wait a minute this has facets. Bullets then.

1) Steve doesn’t like to ask for things because it makes him feel weak. He’s part of the Greatest Generation (the GI Generation, if you will). He grew up experiencing the greatest economy and a technology boom (radio, telephone, cars), but he also experienced the tail-end of the Spanish Flu Pandemic and the stock market crash and following Great Depression. He grew up sick with a working mother and (in some iterations) an abusive father. This man would rather crawl off and cut a bullet out of himself than walk into medical and have someone else do it because he doesn’t want people to see him as fallible.

2) This is Tony’s biggest beef with him. He’s rich, he’s never going to be able to spend all of the money he has, and as such he likes spoiling his friends. And Steve never fucking wants anything, even seems distrustful and annoyed when Tony gives him things he’s sure he’ll like, like art supplies or a motorbike upgrade. He uses them begrudgingly at first because he doesn’t like waste and Tony sees him using them and just keeps buying those things for him. Steve hates it but he can also tell that Tony would be terribly hurt if he told him so, so he stoically keeps his mouth shut because he’s good at it.

3) Absolute fucking astonishment, this helps Steve see that he deserves things that are not Duty and he starts to heal a little bit. Doesn’t seek therapy tho, what is he, a pansy lol (😰) even though he could really use it. He is very tired of the entirety of the team telling him to see a psychiatrist. He was in a frozen coma for seventy years just leave him alone.

4) Steve and Tony start dating! Who didn’t see this coming tho. Anyway they start learning about each other, growing together, it’s all very sweet and Natasha started strangling Clint when he started to pretend to gag so that’s nice.

5) Steve becomes comfortable enough with Tony that he gets the courage to ask for something. Could be anything, really, but for purposes of this post let’s go with ummmm a dog. And Tony is immediately delighted! Steve asked him for something! This is wonderful! Forget saying “I love you,” this is a way bigger step (and quite frankly something he never believed would happen) so he’s over the moon! Of course we can get a dog! And by we I mean that I’ll pay for everything and you can walk it and clean up after it. (Steve is actually okay with this because Tony can barely remember to take care of himself when he gets busy, he just thinks that it would be nice to have something with a heartbeat to cuddle while Tony’s jetting off doing Important Business Things and Tony thinks this will be good because dogs have been proven to be therapeutic.)

6) Steve gets a dog, and it hates Tony. I’m talking growling when Steve isn’t near to hear it, snapping at Tony’s ankles (Steve always scolds it, and it stops for a while, but then Tony goes on a business trip and it starts all over again), peeing on anything Tony leaves lying around, it’s chewed up three StarkPads and torn apart his pillow. “It’s fine, it just needs a little more training,” he tells Steve every time it happens, because this is the first thing Steve has ever asked him for and he doesn’t want to ruin it just because he’s a little scared of this dog. It’s fine. Things can be replaced! And it’s only nips, sometimes running under his feet to knock him over. It’s fine. The dog loves Steve after all, and that’s all Tony really expected because he’s gone so often.

7) Tony is in tears in private tho okay. He keeps telling Rhodey and Pepper and Happy how scared of this dog he is and then always backpedals with “but Steve’s taking it to more intensive training!” when they make noises of concern. It’s not like it’s just him, either. The only other people the dog seems to like are Natasha and Thor. He sticks to the workshop unless Steve is home with the dog because he’s too scared to see it alone and makes Thor (or Natasha, on the rare cases she isn’t with him) take care of it while Steve’s on missions. It’s fine. It’s Steve’s dog! He asked for it! Tony knows if he complains, Steve will never feel safe enough to ask him for anything again. It’s fine.

8) “I can’t take this anymore,” Tony whispers, feeling like he’s about to break apart as he stares at the jagged wounds where Steve pried the dog’s teeth out of his hand as he and Thor try to wrestle it into its kennel. Bruce stands between them as he carefully escorts Tony to medical. Tony dreads seeing Steve after. Steve must know he’s going to have to make an ultimatum after this. He’s not going to allow a dog to attack him twice in is own home, not with how viciously it had attacked him this time. (He doesn’t hear how many stitches he needs, or how long the cast will have to stay on. He just sees Bruce go a little green around the edges before he takes his good hand between both his own, and at that point, he’s scared to ask the doctor to repeat herself.)

9) Steve immediately rehomes the dog. He doesn’t tell Tony how, or where, or with who. He just packs up everything dog-related into a box and leaves for a few hours. It’s like there was never a dog at all. Tony somehow feels worse than when the dog bit him, remembering the way Steve had pressed a stoic kiss to his forehead before he’d left. Maybe he should have offered to stay on a different floor while the dog was there, cited nonexistent allergies. The dog had been… it had really been good for Steve.

10) “Why didn’t you tell me to get rid of the dog?” Steve asks when he gets back. He wonders what he did to make Tony think he didn’t have a say in what lived in his personal quarters. Why didn’t he feel secure enough with Steve to admit the dog’s attitude toward him scared him? He would never have kept it if Tony had shown even an inkling that he felt unsafe. “It was the first thing you ever asked me for,” Tony whispers, ashamed. “I knew if I said I didn’t like it, you’d never feel safe enough to ask me for anything else.” Steve looks like Tony shot him, eyes darting from his face to his still-bandaged arm and back again.

11) Steve says they should go to therapy. “It’s not healthy, that you would let me hurt you, even via a dog, just because you think I want it. I would never want something to hurt you, Tony.” He’s man enough to admit, if only to himself, that he’s only going to go because it seemed hypocritical, telling Tony he needed help when Tony’s desire to please him had been borne out of his own issues. Maybe next time he wants something, he’ll be able to see how that affects Tony, and not just himself. He should have realized something was wrong. Tony gets along with Lucky just fine, even after being bitten. He should have realized the way the dog was reacting to Tony wasn’t normal.

12) “I found a stray dog on my run. I’m going to take it to the shelter,” Steve says. “I wanted to tell you, so you don’t think I’m standing you up for brunch.” Tony looks up at him, blinking slowly, before looking down at the dog cowering behind Steve’s legs. Squats. Holds his shaking hand out. The dog looks at him with big, wet eyes before darting out its tongue to swipe between his fingers. “Maybe you weren’t meant to get a dog. Maybe the dog was always meant to get you,” Tony says after a moment, and Steve lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Yeah?” Tony reaches out, wincing, but relaxes when the dog patiently lets him scratch behind its ear. “Yeah.”

13) “I’m naming him Dodger because I found him in Brooklyn and at least he seems loyal to the borough,” Steve mutters darkly even as he reluctantly tuned into an LA Dodgers game, and Tony chokes on his coffee laughing.

[fx1600]

Okay I’ve seen a lot of ai art debates happening and no one asked but I want to rant about some of the arguments made for it because they just really bug me. 1) yes it is 100% unethical to unwillingly use other peoples art, photography, and likeness without any consent whatsoever. No this is NOT THE SAME THING as people trying to recreate or taking inspiration from the masters before them because while yes it is using someone elses art as reference it is to develop their own skills. The resulting art is still something they made with their own hands to further their own development. And to this day we still know who a lot of masters took inspiration from. Who they credit for their work. Ai work taking inspiration from other peoples styles to fit commands you are giving it IS NOT DEVELOPING YOUR SKILLS. This is NOT for development, it’s actively used to AVOID development and people openly say they do this because they don’t have the skill and don’t want to develop the skill. 2) Seeing people say it’s such a “boomer take” to be genuinely upset about these ai “artists” calling themselves artists is not the hot come back you think it is. Because people being upset is valid! Because this isn’t a group of people trying to make some new “revolutionary” art form and their own community around it. No these are people trying to align themselves with digital artists who spend so much time and effort developing their own skills. To equate pieces they prompted a machine to make and claiming it as their own because the machine cannot argue for its own effort. To the pieces people made after spending years developing their own skills to be able to make their art. If anything ai artists could be classified as some sort of writing group but that’s not what they’re aiming for. They hide their prompts to avoid “stealing” and pointedly don’t want acknowledgment for the one part they actually did themselves, they want credit for the results. 3) “Well people said the same thing about photography” do not and I mean DO NOT try to sit here and say these two mediums are the same! Because if you think they’re equal you clearly do not see the value or understand photography at all.  There are REASONS why companies still higher photographers to do product shots, poster shots, and event shots even though “everyone can do it with a phone”. Companies look for every corner they can cut to save a buck so it should SAY SOMETHINGS that they refuse to go the route of sending an intern with a phone camera to get photos of their products. Why they’re given full production teams and spaces to work. Because it takes skills, knowledge, dedication, and effort that only the photographer has. 4) “But it can sometimes take people HOURS to make!” Why are they willing to spend hours slightly editing prompts into an AI generator if it’s clear they know exactly what they want when they could just pick up some supplies and start trying to for it with their own hands? OR BETTER YET COMMISSION AN ARTIST!? 5) “It’s an accessibility tool, not everyone has the time, money, or skill to make what they want” Two of those three things are exactly WHAT MAKE ARTISTS ARTISTS the fact that they have the skills, they TOOK the time to develop. Money? Mspaint is free, a lowlevel tablet it surprisingly cheep you can get one for around 20 bucks. You can pick up cheep art supplies at the nearest Walmart, Target, or dollar store and get to work. You don’t need expensive equipment to make art, just a pencil and some scratch paper. Accessibility tools are tools made for people with disabilities that can hinder them from having access to the same opportunities or to ease pains and discomforts the disabilities can cause when trying to do every day tasks. There are definitely disabilities that can make it harder to make art But something that removes the need to develop the skill you’re trying to claim you have AT ALL is NOT THE SAME THING

Who knows, at the end of the day maybe there is something to be done with these generators, art is hard to define and it is hard to make lines about what is and isn’t art as a whole. Maybe eventually it will develop into something new and something respectable with it’s own community. But for RIGHT NOW the way it’s being used and the way these artists are trying to treat it and themselves is not it. Right now they’re a community trying to align themselves with one built on the skills they’re specifically trying to avoid and call it the same. Right now their art is dependent solely on the use of unwilling participants. Right now they are trying to pass off this art as the type that they have no understanding or basic skills for. Right now they are actively trying to hurt the respect of digital artists by saying they are outdated and unnecessary for people who want art made but don’t have the skills to do it themselves

[tc-doherty]

This might be too personal but I just kind of want to talk about him so

My mom and Kevin got married when I was 3 or 4 or something, and they divorced when I was probably in 4th or 5th grade (really not sure about the timeline honestly). He was not my birth father nor did he legally adopt me, but, with very few exceptions, from the time that they got divorced until I went to college, he came by every Sunday and would pick me up and we'd spend the day together.

We really loved to go get ice cream together, so that is like peak parent-child bonding activity to me! There were a couple of parks that we used to go to frequently and walk around the woods. One time we fell off a cliff together, that was fun. Sometimes we'd go to the museums or walk along the canal or walk along the Monon, and we also watched a lot of movies together. It was almost a weekly ritual to go to Blockbuster and pick out some random thing to watch together. He played in the pit orchestra for the community theater would arrange for me to be able to come to shows that he was performing in sometimes.

He would take me to hang out with the members of his band or the people that he played in the pit orchestra with, so I was invited to lots of rehearsal nights and parties and get-togethers for that.

I saw him a few times after I went to college but I was much further away so it just wasn't as convenient. I did not see him in any of the months leading up to his death. He called me to tell me he was dying, and we talked for a long time. I offered to drive to Ohio to visit him but he said he didn't want me to. He didn't want me to see him like that, so I respected his wishes. By the time he died I don't think I actually seen him in close to a decade.

I only found out later that apparently the entire time he had actually been struggling with alcohol and drugs. But I never saw any sign of that. Whatever he may have done during the week, he made sure that he was sober on Sundays so he could come spend the day with me. And that means a lot to me! Regardless of anything else going on with my family, I always knew that Kevin loved me.

He would always listen to me ramble about my stories and whatever. He bought most of my art supplies and a lot of books for me to feed my hobbies. He supported everything that I wanted to do. And I would tell him anything, everything. It's no surprise that he was the first person in my family that I came out to. He was, of course, very supportive.

I'm not a very emotional person overall. My mom, for years, kept her grandmother's address in her Christmas card list and cried about it every single time after her death. I'm not that kind of person. For me, it's not at all difficult to focus on good memories instead of a sense of loss. But I'm really glad that I have the CDs that Kevin played music for. Whenever I want to, I can connect with him again that way.

[smartass-hoot]

MY AWESOME GIRLBOSS POGSLAY BROEST OF BROS, THE DAFFODUDE TO MY BROSES, THE BROMEO TO MY BRUHLIET!! i wanna know: jasmine tea, caramel macchiato, earl grey, and sparkling water :3

EYYYY IT'S MY BROULMATE, THE NOYA TO MY TANAKA 😤 mwah i love you bro you the bestest 🩷🩵 (link to the OG ask)

jasmine tea: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

oh man, i've always wanted to go to italy bc i love their food so damn much askjdnsdkfjk. i enjoy architecture and views and all too but my primary focus whenever i travel is trying to experience the culture of the place AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO DO IT THAN FOOD?? i've been obsessed with pasta from when i was a smol bean so i'd love to go there and taste all sorts of pasta and have fun with the locals (i think we'd get along 'cause our cultures are pretty similar).

caramel machhiato: You’re travelling the entire world but you can only take one person with you. Who do you take?

this is so hard 😭 i'd normally say family but since this is only one person, i'll have to choose a friend (my fam won't enjoy shit unless we're all together lmao). honestly i'd probably take my irl friend Art 'cause she's also a foodie like me and she enjoys taking long scenic walks to properly appreciate the places we're visiting. she also enjoys the same kinds of adventures that i do, and since our vibes match so much whenever we go out, i feel like we'd have the time of our lives even if it was just the both of us travelling the world askjdnskfjnkj

earl grey: The inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is upon us! What’s your plan of action?

holy shit okay,,, so i actually have a whole procedure planned out for this + scoping out locations and route maps irl and learning how to hotwire a bus (ofc i only think about this a normal amount what are you talking about haha).

there's this huuuge supermarket that's located in the middle of nowhere so fewer zombies, so that would be the first place i hit to grab all the non-expiring canned food + high calorie stuff and a gas stove. and then since there's a bus parking space nearby i'd go there to steal one. buses are obviously the most safe option where i live because you can keep all your friends with you + luggage space + less damage when ramming into something. and then i'd go to this one statue place that's in the middle of a hugeass lake, and swim my way there since i'm assuming zombies won't be able to cover that big of a distance nor hear us from so afar. yada yada you get the gist of things lmao ksdjfnksjdf

anyways, i'd probably try to outlast the zombies without direct interaction, but if i run outta supplies or it seems like i'm going to get bitten or if it just gets too much, i'd probably try to take out as many zombies as possible with me lmao.

sparkling water: Describe what qualities you look for in a person

ooooh!!! i think i'm pretty flexible with the kind of people i like spending time with but some things i'd definitely prefer is someone who has a sense of humour (i laugh at everything and i love cracking jokes so this person should ideally enjoy the same haha), someone who is passionate and driven (it could be about anything in the world literally, i just love being able to support people's interests), someone who is kind (and i don't mean a goody two shoes, just someone with basic empathy and compassion), and someone who shares at least a couple of interests with me (could be animanga, reading, music, adventure, etc because i really love doing things together with people and just gushing for hours nonstop about some random thing).

anyways thanks for the ask bro, loved answering these 😤

[corner-stories]

🍐 🍈 🍇

fruit emoji ask game for fic writers

🍐 Is there anything in canon that you absolutely hate and love to fix in fics? A wrong choice made, a fuck-up in characterization, a misunderstanding never cleared up, a conversation never shown onscreen, etc…

I wouldn't say I hate this but I would argue that it's criminally unexplored. I think a lot of things post-Rumbling were not explored as much as they deserved to be, like the state of Paradis Island, what Mikasa has been up to in the 3 years after the Battle of Heaven and Earth, as well as what exactly the Ambassadors have been up to during that time.

There's like... so much story to be told in here and it just gets glossed over. And hey, if we're not gonna get a sidestory/OVA about characters who aren't Levi, then I guess I gotta make it myself.

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

I'm a Jean Kirschtein girlie, have been from day one. A lot of my headcanons are about him pursuing art in his spare time. As a kid he began sketching with whatever he could find, usually pencils or charcoal, then as he gets older he comes across new supplies like coloured pencils and watercolour paint. I just think it's very human of him to pursue something small that makes him happy, despite all the chaos going around him.

Like damn, he seems to be the only Scout who has a hobby and that's how he barely kept it together over the years.

My end game for him really is him living at some seaside cottage where he spends the rest of his days painting. He deserves it.

There's also my Commander Kirschtein AU, which is exactly what it sounds like. Jean is the Commander of the Scouts because that's what us SNK fandom geezers believed would happen in the future. I just... I just really like the idea of Jean being in Command despite how it actually went down in canon.

🍇 Is there a particular scene/episode/book/etc that you want to just write a million fics about, over and over? Which one?

I'm not sure if this counts as a "scene" but as a Jeankasa truther, I've noticed that a lot of fics (as of recently) either take place post-Rumbling or during the timeskip between 850-854. It's essentially a genre of its own and I find myself eating that shit up. So I guess it's more of a in-universe time period that I wanna write a million fics about.

Also I just need to mention that a lot of the fics where Mikasa and Jean hook up during the first time skips are sad. Like... I'll be reading the most delectable citrus I've seen in a while but it will also feel sad. We love angst in the Jeankasa community, I guess.

I've written some post-Rumbling Jeankasa where they're just living a quiet cottagecore life, but I should write more. Something I'd actually love to write more about is specifically how they got together. And along the way, Mikasa slowly processes her trauma, maybe picks up a hobby that makes her happy, and learns to love again.

One of my ideas for them is Jean living that quiet seaside cottagecore life I mentioned and Mikasa finding that he's been on Paradis for years and didn't tell her. The reason why is that he wants her to be safe and him being considered a traitor to the island would jeopardize that, so in that he feels like he has to distance himself for her so she can live a peaceful life. And as one can imagine, Mikasa has a lot of conflicting thoughts on that mindset.

[sonic-spirit]

Okay, let's fuckin gooooo!!!

I'm seeing if I can do a blog post every day to try and get myself through more of that wall of awful brain garbage that's been gumming things up inside me. I have a lot of topics I've been wanting to talk about, and stories I've been wanting to record, and, yanno. The only way out is through.

It was my first day off I haven't shared with one of my mates in awhile, so that ended up shaping how I approached the day. I started a bit of a decluttering project, since we do have a lot of stuff with no homes right now. I'm not willing to mess with my mates' stuff, but in the two years since moving all the way out here my hyper pared-down stuff has grown, and I was definitely due for some re-organizing and looking it all over for stuff I don't want or need anymore. A big part of the project today was breaking down the variety of little caches I'd developed in a few spots in the apartment and keeping like things together, especially toys and art supplies. I have some big traditional media projects I've been gearing up for, and the more ready things are to get started, the more convenient I make my setups to hit the ground running, the more likely I am to actually do them.

Talking about that stuff was supposed to help me ease into writing about one of the more emotionally charged things I've been meaning to write about, ^_^;; but if I segue into talking about Otherkin stuff from decluttering, the post's kinda gonna feel uneven to me. So, okay, let's talk about, as I have it in my notes:

The Time I Drove Across the Country 3 Times to Save My Life

I feel guilty about looking at it as anything but a tragedy, millions of people died, and who knows how many more were permanently disabled, and so many could have been okay if the people in power hadn't been so eager to throw them to the mercies of an uncaring disease. But, selfishly, COVID saved my life.

My mental health still isn't great. There are always ups and downs, and I've been under a lot of financial stress that's been causing me to spiral in a lot of other ways again. But before COVID it was so, so much worse. I wasn't still living with my abusive parents at the time, but I was working for them, and still beholden to them socially and financially. And I was...loosing resiliency. Going to cons and spending time with my friends wasn't...well, if wasn't enough to offset how the rest of it was wearing on me, dealing with my abusers, doing a job I hated and where I constantly felt like I was failing, and I was losing ground. I'd been suicidal for years and years, and I didn't think I had much fight left in me. I'd also been trying to escape, with interruptions to triage myself to keep functioning, for even longer. I was tired, and I was getting desperate.

COVID bought me more time.

Everything going into shutdown was bad. And let me be perfectly clear, shutting down was the right thing to happen, there were so, so many people who should not have died. But for the first time in ten years, I got some distance from my abusive parents. I didn't have to go into a job and see them all the time, I didn't have to go over to their house and play nice and cow-tow to them every week.

For the first time in so, so long, I got a reprieve.

It was still hard, I missed my friends, and the stress of living under the threat of a pandemic was huge. But I finally started to be able to put myself back together again. Just a little bit. And that made all the difference in the world.

And then, in the heart of all this uncertainty, one of my really, really good friends who I'd fallen out of contact with a few years prior reached out, and we reconnected. We talked, and talked, and one thing led to another, and eventually we started dating.

My parents had eroded most of the COVID protections at my job by this time, having us back working in the office, opening the office to the public, and things were quickly becoming untenable for me again. My friends, in person and long distance, did their best to help. As much as I would let them see how deeply I was struggling.

Then came the Thanksgiving trip.

I'd been very resistant to flying to Florida with my family in the Thanksgiving of a pandemic. But my mom had bartered with me. If I went on this trip, they wouldn't force me into going on the Christmas trip. -_- And how could I say no to a deal like that. Look, I didn't have many options, and again, I was beholden to them. I could only fight so hard. So, I went. And it was worse than I had even expected.

Never masking in a state with abysmal infection numbers, never taking advantage of outside seating at restaurants, eating out for every meal was bad enough. The endless refrain of Fox News and fascistic dogwhistles put me over the edge. I knew they wanted who I really was dead. But...living inside it...I was done. I needed to escape, by any means necessary. My friends were alarmed and rightly so. I redoubled my efforts to find another job as means of escape, and determined I would not do this ever again. I would give myself a deadline to get out.

When my relationship started with my mate, I changed my focus to jobs in the San Jose area. And in February, I finally had an opportunity. Two jobs wanted me to come in and interview, and I'd already blocked out a long weekend for that year's virtual FurSquared con. Instead, I loaded myself and my 16-year-old kidney diseased kitty, and everything I though I couldn't do without in case I decided to simply never come back, and drove the 3,000 miles from Illinois to California in 3 days.

It was ROUGH. I didn't give myself a very reasonable timeline to get there, and driving 10-hour or more days, going from cat-friendly hotel to cat-friendly hotel was A Lot. Giving Zi her subcutaneous fluids in hotel rooms was a wild experience. But eventually, we made it. I met up with my mate, changed clothes and ran out for an interview...^_^;; which I actually missed because I'd taken too long to get there. But spending the night with my mate and their partner, feeling safe with them...they offered to let me stay, and I tearfully admitted that I didn't want to leave.

I almost just stayed. I wanted to, badly. But I still had a house to get out from under, and I needed to go back and sell it. I went to the second interview, where neither of us impressed one another, and drove Zi and myself back, escape plan in gear.

My house was a horrifically cluttered mess when I called the realtor who'd helped me buy it and asked him to help me sell, but he was still generous when he came by to talk with me. The market was good, he told me, and places were getting sold even before they were properly listed. I signed the papers, and started getting to work on paring everything down and packing.

It quickly became clear that storage or moving things or Uhauls would be prohibitively expensive for me, easily over $1,000 for the cheapest options. Since I would be moving without a job set up, and without any form of income when I left, the only reasonable option was to only bring what I could fit in my car, and donate or sell the rest. It was hard, emotional work, and I had to make a lot of hard decisions (and a lot of use of Facebook Marketplace for the first time), but I made it happen, and by mid April, I finally left.

I had a celebratory going away party the night before leaving, where we drank and had fun, and enjoyed one another's company. And then my friends came and helped me with the last of the junk I hadn't managed to get through the next morning. They held me while I had a panic attack over telling my parents I was leaving, and helped me to be able to go.

In the end, the people who really knew me, who really loved me, saved me.

Finally, I headed out with Zi, deciding to drive...less stupid hours this time. I limited myself to 8 hour driving days, and just did a few more days. Memorably, one morning when I was trying to get us out the door and checked out, I couldn't find Zi. I searched that hotel room for my kitty for a good half hour before I finally found her--she'd somehow managed to open a drawer, climb inside, and shut herself in!

I'd expected to feel freed, relieved. I'd expected to feel a weight off myself immediately. But mostly, what I'd felt at first was numb grief. I was so tired. I was glad to be going, excited to be with people I loved. But I still felt bad. Everything they would have thought of the situation echoed in my mind, and it hurt. I knew I was right to go. I knew there was no way they'd ever stop hurting me. I knew I needed to get away. But their words, of how selfish I was, echoed inside me.

It's still hard sometimes. Abuse echoes still. But I'm so, so fucking relieved to be out. And so, so fucking grateful to be with my partners.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Is it weird to feel guilty that my headmates can't do anything in this body? I'm not even the "core" or whatever the term is, I only split a couple years ago and took over hosting a little over a year ago, but I feel really guilty and like it's my fault that so many of them can't do what they like. Some are into artsy things that we either can't afford the supplies and space to do, or our fine motor control is terrible so we can't do much without a lot of frustration and pain in our joints, and some really love sports or physical activities (we've got about six headmates that are in *love* with skateboarding) that we physically can't do because our body is pretty fragile between a few disabilities and conditions and we can't afford to take a bunch of falls or get injured much, or we end up stuck on bedrest for days if not weeks.

I'm not even the one making the RULES, our head gatekeeper and the head of our medical staff both agreed that we can't take risks that could send us into flares like that, but I'm usually the one that has to explain it to people and actually say no, and I feel like an asshole that I get to do the stuff I love because I just like video games and shit, but they can't even try the stuff they like

hey, it’s really not weird to feel guilty about any of this stuff. our main host also feels guilty often about “stealing time from the other alters.” we also struggle with chronic pain and other disabilities, which make it challenging for us to pursue the hobbies and interests held by other members of our system.

here’s some reminders, both for you specifically and for the rest of your system:

1. your disabilities are not your fault. it’s okay to be frustrated, to be sad or angry or depressed or furious that there’s things you want to do but can’t because of your disability. however, neither you nor anyone else in your system is to blame for this. and looking after yourself and your system might very well mean making tough calls when it comes to what your system’s body can and can’t realistically achieve.

2. just because there’s a lot of things your system cannot do or afford does not mean you all have to be cut off from having fun or exploring accessible hobbies. remember it’s okay to be bad at things, to go slow, and to take lots of breaks! you can draw for 5 minutes then take a 20 minute rest then draw for 5 more - there’s no rules when it comes to exploring hobbies in a way that is accessible for your system.

here are some links to articles discussing accessible activities for folks with chronic illness/pain. keep in mind, some of the suggestions (like crochet, cross-stitch, and painting) may still be inaccessible if you have pain in your hands or difficulty moving them.

we know you said affording art supplies is an issue, but we’d still like to link this article with accessible art supplies. a $15 investment in a utensil grip or similar tool may make art and crafting much more accessible for your system.

3. this may be an unpopular opinion, but we think you do not have to know how to skateboard or even own a skateboard in order to be a skater and participate in skater culture. there’s way more to skater culture than just skateboarding - there’s skater fashion, music, aesthetics, and all sorts of other things that skater culture encompasses. you don’t have to know how to skateboard to attend skater concerts or events or even just hang out at your local skate park!

(there’s also tech deck - you can learn skate tricks and have fun with little skateboard toys! we know it’s not nearly the same as actual skateboarding, but it could help fill in that gap!)

and here’s some interesting articles we’ve found on adaptive skateboarding - there’s no one right way to be a skater, and modifying your gear, asking for help, and using unorthodox tools to make skateboarding more accessible for you are all perfectly fine!

4. it can be hard to accept limitations. it can be hard to learn how to effectively time manage in systems, or to understand that disabilities can sometimes limit what you can and can’t do. it may be worth it for you to ask your gatekeeper and other members of your system to get on board with explaining this to the rest of your headmates. it’s a lot for this to all fall squarely on your shoulders, and maybe if you had some other headmates willing to help explain and communicate with the others, things could be a lot easier for everyone as a result.

we hope this is able to help, at least somewhat. we’re so sorry y’all are going through something like this - rest assured you’re not alone in your struggles! we’re wishing you the very best with figuring this out. let us know if there’s anything more we could do to help!

🐢 kip, 🦇 alucard, and 🌸 margo

[bunny-hoodlum]

☆ Share 3 fun facts about you, then pass this to three of your mutuals! ☆

Wow, I've been tagged four times! @alexis513, @littlemonstert-blog, @mrs-messy and @mysummerchoi, thanks for tagging me. :3

@mysummerchoi, I feel the exact same way. 😭 Plus, I'm not used to supplying info about myself when asked, haha. That stuff always evaporates from my head. ( . _ . )

I might have maybe almost died when I was three or four? Just kidding, but my mom thinks so. It was a day at a Californian beach, I was buried up to my neck in the sand for a picture and I guess they buried me too close to the water, so when a wave washed over me, they completely lost me in the sand, like either I sunk in deeper or sand washed over my head. My uncle just scooped me out like shwoop! lol. Without a picture, I won't know if it was a bad as they thought it was.

I can be clumsy and hurt myself and for whatever reason I never get scared or feel pain with this happens. Sometimes it feels predictable or like it's happening in slo-mo and I just go 'damn' before it happens. Like, at my old job working warehouse, I tripped on my ankle I think? And I just neatly fell forward like a feather, like I just knew not to resist or I'd hurt myself more. Try to imagine a lego man but with bendable knees. Now picture how you would use that lego man in a stop-motion film. It was like that. And it was so weird too that I thought it was funny. Sometimes when I derp and hurt myself it is actually pretty damn funny, but if it happens too often I get severely frustrated and devolve into a 5-year-old. Another time we got rear-ended twice near the offramp to Santa Barbara, and before the second impact, I just relaxed expecting it -- cuz you know, shitty drunk drivers survive because they literally can't tense up or do something worse like move to look behind them (you will hurt your neck doing that) -- But… But..! Try to get my attention when I can't see you, I freak the fuck out. This was probably more than one thing, but I think it's all related to each other lol.

Maybe this is too personal, but I always find psychology and whatnot very interesting, so from that perspective I'll share this bit of dumbassery: My attachment style has improved but is still pretty damn fucky. I just recently remembered how I had a crush on this boy in middle school (our middle school had 3 separate schools attached, so only time you could mingle with students from another jr high was after school clubs and we met in art club and bonded over FLCL), and I didn't know I liked him until the following year, but then I couldn't do anything about it because he was already dating someone else, a witty Korean-American girl (and I also had a complex about not being Asian enough). Time skip three years and he's finally a freshman, so I get to see him again. (We were same age but he had to start school late). I ask if he's still with her (because I still got some feels leftover) and he said she moved to Canada and had a girlfriend. And fuck if I know why cuz... I don't. My initial reaction wasn't 'Oh goody, I get to try again!'. No. I thought 'She's bi?! Why didn't she have a crush on me?!', like in that split second I wanted to be HER girlfriend instead of this other person. How dare this totally cooler than me girl that grabbed my crush find her own super cool girl to be with, like, first I'm not good enough for him, now I'm not good enough for her, I can't even begin to imagine how cool her Canadian GF must be, blah blah blah, she must be unsurpassably cool because she was chosen by someone also unfathomably cool and that's just how that shit works, blah blah blah-- sigh. The silent screams of my pathological need to be important, everyone. And that is why I will no longer do vent posts, because I feel super ashamed whenever I get validated for my bullshit. ; u ;

Haaa, alright, pick three mutuals. Hm. Feels like everyone got tagged tbh... @peppercornpress @char-lotteral aaaand @spaciousignatius 💖