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When they got home General Buzz invited the headmaster over for dinner, hoping that putting Ripp in private school would get his grades up and make him more respectable. He did not have time to cook so he told Ripp to do it. Ripp burnt the soup and Buzz fell asleep in the bowl. The Headmaster was less than impressed.
Buzz was still asleep when the headmaster left and Ripp watched him leave from his window. He knew he would not be going to private school and he was pleased.
Ripp thought about going to school when the schoolbus came but instead of hopping on he kept walking, down the sidewalk and to the poor excuse for a strip mall near the abandoned military building.
He quickly went into the women’s section and started looking at clothes. There wasn’t much that fit him, and what did was very colourful, but if he was confident enough to wear women’s clothing he would be confident enough to wear bold colors.
He tried on a blouse and a skirt but he felt off. It was too feminine, he decided. He passed for a woman too well, and he just wanted to look more neutral in his gender expression. He took off the clothes and put them back. He kept shopping and brought some of the clothes he liked home with him.
When he got home, he snuck into his room and locked the door before rooting around in his dresser to plan a new look.
He couldn’t quite see how he looked but he liked how he felt in the brand-new crop top. Satisfied with that he pulled out the hair dye he had bought and started to style his hair.
Using his hand mirror he dyed and styled his hair and played around with makeup until he was happy with how he looked.
He couldn’t stop grinning! He looked so cute! He always wanted to be considered cute, because sometimes he felt so gross and confined in his comfy casuals. He wished he could go and see Johnny, or Ophelia, but they were both away at college.
He called Ophelia on his cellphone, and luckily she was not in class. She had been working on her term paper when he called but it wasn’t due for another quarter so she felt she had the time to chat with him.
“You stayed home today?” Ophelia asked, concerned.
“Yeah. Is that so wrong? My grades have been improving… I can let them slip. I wasn’t sure I felt comfortable letting other people see me like this…”
“Like what?”
“I uh… put on some makeup. And a crop top. Dyed my hair…”
“Oh Ripp, what will your dad think?”
“Who cares? I’ll lock myself in my room for as long as I need to if he gets mad. I won’t live my life just to appease people anymore…”
“Well as long as you’re happy.” Ophelia said. “I’m sure you look adorable.”
Ripp beamed. “I… thank you Phe. Thanks for staying in touch, too. It’s more difficult to miss you guys when I hear from you so much.”
“I’m sure you’ll manage it. I miss you too. Johnny would say he missed you if he was here right now.”
“Where’s Johnny?”
“I think he’s down at the plaza watching the break-dancers. He’s not as focused on school as I am.”
“Breakdancing? That sounds like fun. Is the art community big at LFT?”
“Well there’s no easels at the student union but I’ve seen some Graffiti here and there. I know you always wanted to do that. Oh, and the Plaza has easels.”
“I really hope I get in. I would love to paint with other people, make some new friends, get to hang out with you guys all the time… Get away from my dad.”
“Has he been on your case a lot lately?” asked Ophelia.
“Actually he’s been buttering me up! He tried to get me into private school but I dodged that one. We still don’t like each other but hey, he hasn’t forced me to do laps lately.”
“Hmm, Maybe he’s been busy with work.”
Speaking of busy with work, Buck blew out the candles on his cake alone since his oldest brother was at college, his youngest brother was hiding in his room, and his dad was at work. He was always the forgotten one in this house.
General Buzz came home from work and patted Buck on the shoulder.
“You’re growing up so fast young man. You look more like your mother each day.” General Buzz said.
“Thanks General.”
“You need to get more rest, though, you look like you really let yourself go.”
“Well, I don’t really…” care about my body. Whatever it want’s to do it can do, I have no part in it. Buck trailed off.
“Your hair is getting so long!” The general said. “You should really get it cut. I can take you tomorrow after work if you want.”
“No thanks… It’s kind of the one part of my body I don’t hate…” he mumbled.
“Hate? Well maybe you’d be more confident about yourself if you worked out more. There’s some work-out DVDs by the player if you want to use those.”
“I dunno. I think I’d rather paint.”
“Well at least you have a strong beard! Most boys your age can’t grow any stubble.”
Buck looked frustrated. “I… I have to go do something.”
“Okay.” Buzz said. “I’ll start dinner.”
Buck ran up to his room and shaved his stubble. God I look hideous. He thought. I look like a hermit who never talks to people. I mean, who would want to talk to me anyways. But he found he liked how he looked without stubble. He liked “his mother’s freckles” on his face.
Then he had a thought. Why not practice makeup again? He hadn’t tried it much since he got scolded for it as a kid but he had been drawing designs in his notebooks at school.
Okay, maybe he went a little overboard. He started with eyeliner, then he put on blush, and lipstick, and foundation. He was still so unhappy with how… masculine he thought the lower half of his face was. So he decided to hide it with a mask. Then he pulled out some of his mother’s clothes that he’d been saving and tried them on. He was delighted with how he looked. No… She was delighted with how she looked. She wanted so desperately to look like this all the time, no matter how much trouble it was; she wanted to be a girl. She wanted to like herself, and when she looked in that hand mirror she saw someone she could like!
It had been two days since his children had come out of their rooms. He left food out for them but other than that they were skipping school. He was worried a social worker would come by, so he asked the internet for help on what to do.
Knock Knock.
“Ripp?” The general asked.
“Go away.”
The General clenched his fist. That’s not how you talk to your father. “Please, let me in. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine where I am. Leave me alone.”
“I’m not going to break the door in, but I’m not leaving you alone. I’m not leaving until you open this door.”
Ripp spoke between mouthfuls of macaroni. “I don’t need your help. Your “help” is really just yelling.”
“I’ve been reading some books… I’m not going to yell at you.
“Please, talk to me. I want to know what’s wrong. Why haven’t you gone to work or school?”
Ripp was silent.
The general sat down next to his son’s door. “Please let me in. I promise I’ll accept you. I’m sorry… about what I said before. Johnny makes you happy, right? So… I won’t keep him away anymore.”
Ripp unlocked his door.
“Can I come in?”
“M’kay.”
As soon as The General came in Ripp started crying. He was so scared of what The general would say about his hair and makeup. What The General, A man who was supposed to be his Dad, supposed to support him and love him, would say about who he is as a person.
“Ripp…” The general began. “You look… nice.”
Ripp looked at him in disbelief.
“I’m.. I’m trying… The internet talked about… are you… Gender Queer?”
“You say that last word like an insult.”
“it’s not. I mean, I don’t try to make it sound that way. It’s okay if you are. Apparently there have been signs.”
“I don’t know what I am. I’m still exploring myself. But you never created a space for us where it felt okay to do so.”
“I’m just glad you don’t hate me.” The General said. “It’s hard to raise children into adults without trying to make them like you. I thought you would come to like growing up the way I was raised. I thought you would want to follow in my footsteps. It worked with Tank.”
“But… You know I’m not like you. I’m not like mom either. I’m just me.”
The General spoke softly. “That’s… That’s okay. I know we don’t always get along, and there is a gap of respect coming from you… but… I love you.”
“I love you too Dad.”
“I’ll go to school tomorrow, okay?” Ripp said. “If you can be respectful of my expression then I’m sure my shithead classmates can.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” The General asked. Ripp just gave him a look.
“You should go see Buck. Just, brace yourself.”
The general came in and saw his daughter asleep in her bed. He was shocked to see her looking totally different from how he usually saw her. He quickly left her room and stood in the hall.
“what am I going to do?” He thought.
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