#Plus it's the only shark with a medical degree

[pigeocore]

Sawnimals part II electric boogaloo featuring the bathroom boys and Amanda's favorite comphet lesbian

[transingthoseformers]

Another note on the mermechs is that some give live birth, some lay eggs, and others something more along the lines of a mermaid purse.

Rodimus, whose sub species lays eggs, is very confused by his two children, one (Flamewar) is a perfectly normal sized egg and eventual fry and the second (Splendid) is a large pup that is live born and nearly killed him. They actually have two different sires because breeding season was interrupted by the oil spill and when Rodimus healed it started again and he and Thunderclash got frisky.

This is a reason different subspecies of mermechs don't usually interbreed. Poor Rodimus is all kinds of confusion, which is part of why he grabbed onto Drift as support. Because you aren't supposed to have fry needing care at the same time as eggs but Thunderclash's species calls his pups and he has a bunch of confused instincts and no support on top of needing to defend and map out his newly claimed territory.

Running into the himbo shark Riptide (Thresher shark) is a big relief and the first addition to the Lost Light school/pod. Though he is slightly confused by how fussy Rodimus is about Splendid as pups are fairly self-sufficient immediately but he is going with it. Hunting is easier in a group, and Riptide is unexpectedly very social. Plus, he likes Rodimus and Drift and teaching Splendid to test things out by biting. Drift does not appreciate this addition to Splendid's behavior as he is usually the one covered in bitemarks since she enjoys nibbling though her teeth aren't exactly razors like Riptide thankfully.

I'm leaning towards Thunderclash being a type of cetacea, which means Splendid's creation is extra unusual, and Ratchet eventually does have to help because Thunderclash's species feed their young filtered Energon live food at first. Rodimus eventually starts panicking about it because fish mush isn't working entirely. Drift drags the baby to Ratchet's facility, and they start caring for her. Eventually, Rodimus comes into the tidal pool to be nearby, and Thunderclash is watching everything go down, and once things calm down, he ends up pulling himself out of his tank to come croon at Splendid since Rodimus can't stay with her while Flamewar needs guarding as she is unhatched. Thunderclash is the one who explains things to Ratchet, who insists Rodimus gets a full checkup once things calm down and find he is incredibly stressed and needing some medical attention that he'd hid last time.

Now they are both doing better with Splendid being bottle fed until she's big enough, which fascinates Riptide, who especially like starring at First Aid who becomes involved.

It also confirms that Thunderclash is to blame. Which only makes things stranger when Flamewar hatches, and now Drift has two baby mers to watch.

HgGhh yes, oh poor Roddie, this makes sense of why intersubspecies breeding is probably rare, at some level there's a degree of danger

Rodimus is going through it but he has mecha and mers here for him

Thresher Riptide!

Drift:

Drift: rIPTIDE I STG

I'm also getting cetacean vibes from Thunders, maybe his mer form is based on a medium to medium large species of toothed whale

Drift and Ratchet yet again being the responsible ones

Ooo, Aid?

Poor Drift getting sucked into this mess shdhdhdh

[depressedspacedoctor]

TEN QUESTIONS | Azel Tolvaj

And we're back! It took a while (August really knocked me out, and early September continued the trend) but I've got Ten Questions about the ship's preening, self-destructive doctor, Azel Tolvaj.

I’m using character questions from @wisteria-lodge because I find them really useful for understanding the characters, and for figuring out future plot points. You can find the questions here; now let's find out what sort of shoes a doctor wears:

What is his go-to drink order?

Azel is tricky. Whilst Desiderio might work hard to look his best, Azel is a preening peacock with self-destructive tendencies. Something like a Rum with a View – it’s colourful, it’s showy, and it gets him drunk quick. As of late he’s trying to drink less; he’s on medication and it doesn’t go well with alcohol, plus he doesn’t like who he is when he’s drunk. As the story starts, probably a cream soda or a coffee, as he’s trying to be responsible but still a bit different.

What is his grooming routine?

A quick shower, some concealer, the rest depends. If it’s for work, he’ll wash his hands thoroughly and go from there; if he’s going out, some hair product (probably coconut oil or something), eyeliner, maybe some nail polish and eyeshadow if they’re going somewhere really fun.

What was his most expensive purchase? Where does most of his disposable income go?

Azel doesn’t tend to have a lot of money. He’s working off some debt – from his medical degree, from court costs and financial penalties incurred (about which more in the story – no spoilers here!) - so his purchases are more low-key. He used to spend most of his money on alcohol, but he’s given that up too, so most of his probably goes on makeup and clothing.

Does he have any scars or tattoos?

Several – bullet holes he’s had to patch up himself, knife wounds, shrapnel scars… he’s had an eventful life, most of it stemming from before his time in Osanne’s crew. Tattoo-wise, he’s got a pretty impressive back tattoo, and a couple from prison which are impressive given the makeshift tools used. The back tattoo is based on a page from one of his medical textbooks, think medieval anatomy illustrations; the prison ones are a little more trite, skulls and guns.

When was the last time he cried, and under what circumstances?

I think the last time Azel cried was when he had to tell Osanne about his crime. It was shortly before his prison sentence and it was somewhere around a year ago. He pushed his feelings deep down during his sentence, and he’s not really used to experiencing them again yet.

Is he the oldest, middle, youngest, or only child?

Oldest. His parents put a lot of pressure on him – to set an example for his siblings, to help look after them, to sacrifice so much – so when he was finally out from under their wing, he cut a little too loose. He doesn’t like having any responsibility, which is a pain when he’s the ship’s medic and is responsible for everyone on the Whale Shark.

Describe the shoes he is wearing.

He wears smart, black shoes, well-polished. He likes to look smart when he’s working. Outside of work, he’s all about style – loud shoes with platforms, sometimes even heels. He’s a bit of a disco-throwback, he likes things that glitter.

Describe the place where he sleeps.

Azel is used to hard, uncomfortable prison beds, so he finds even the marginally comfortable beds of courier ships difficult to sleep in. If he’s having a really rough night he’ll sleep in his office or in a medical bed, but most of the time he’ll stick with his spartan ship’s bed, provided Desiderio is there to curl up next to him.

What is his favourite holiday?

He sort of went from student to ship’s doctor to felon with remarkable speed, so his holidays have been spent variously cramming for tests, patching up crewmates, or doing hard labour. That said, he has fond memories of celebrating Expansion Day with his family on Vega 2 – the day Vega colony ships set out through the wormholes to Brava and Bertoni, respectively. There’s a certain bittersweet feeling for him whenever that day comes up.

What objects does he always carry around with him?

His gun – a standard semi-automatic pistol – and a simple medical kit are his usual gear. He’s got a hip holster for his gun, for easy access – in the criminal underworld and the space lanes, he’s feared as a quick draw and a crack shot, and Osanne gladly uses that reputation to keep people away from her ships and her crew on a job.

His medical kit contains the usual equipment found within first aid kits, but it’s more comprehensive for field surgery. He’s got scalpels, morphine, a medical stapler, a portable defibrillator… in short, a lot of very dangerous items in the wrong hands. For that reason, he also keeps a copy of his medical license in there, so law enforcement in each galaxy is aware of his status, and so that if the kit gets lost it can be passed back to him as soon as possible. It also means he’s going to try extra hard not to lose it, because now he’s on the hook if anything happens to it.

[dollslayer]

Sweeter Endings

Sugar Daddy!Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Still reeling from the financial realities of losing your mother you turn to a lucrative website for help and get more than you could have bargained for.

W/C: 5,325

Warnings: Smut (no minors 18+ only), light D/S dynamics, brief mentions of alcohol consumption, unprotected sex, swearing

A/N: NO MINORS, I wrote this for @donutloverxo 's Sugary 4k Challenge (Congrats!!) I love sugar daddy AUs so I was really excited to write this!! If you like it then please like/reblog/comment I'm all ears! Also maybe check out my other stuff if you want! Cheers!

Main Masterlist

____

The saying ‘desperate times call for desperate measures’ was truer than you’d ever imagined and you found out the hard way. Life had hit you hard last year. You had watched your mother succumb very quickly to cancer. A cold that just wouldn’t go away turned into a doctor’s visit turned into three months left to live. Having no one else in her life, the cost of her funeral and medical bills fell to you. The bills outweighing the inheritance you had no choice but to drop out of school.

One year later you were hanging on by threads to keep yourself off the streets without turning to a loan shark or selling yourself. Stocking shelves at a bougie grocery store in Soho by day and bartending in Tribeca by night had you working six days a week. What free time you had you were too exhausted to do anything with. Something had to give or you were going to collapse from the stress, you just didn’t know what.

A couple weeks ago you had been casually venting about how broke you were with a coworker when she jokingly suggested signing up for one of those Sugar Daddy sites. You laughed along with her but it sounded better than getting a third job. You had quietly asked one of your roommates to borrow their laptop saying you needed to look at job postings only half a lie, really and locked yourself in your room.

You were just gonna check out the website, maybe sign up and poke around, it didn’t mean you were committing to anything, just looking. You remembered first looking at the website once your shitty wifi loaded it, promising ‘beautiful and successful people making mutually beneficial connections’. You balked after reading that but you couldn’t look at any profiles without making one yourself so you had set to work.

After making your profile you hadn’t gotten any hits in about a week so you shrugged it off. You couldn’t keep hogging your roommate’s computer anyways so you set off back to work. Your days at the store wore on into endless nights at the bar and you wondered what other options you really had when you had no degree and no experience in any relevant field.

___

6 o’clock on a Thursday night, the typical after work crowd begins to roll in. The bar you work in is upscale, classy. Definitely trying to lure in the businessmen that worked in the area and their wallets. It annoyed you to deal with the same type of customers you did at the store all over again but with the high end crowd came good tips so you couldn't complain too much.

It was busier than usual when a group of men in suits walked in together asking for a booth. You saw a lot of business meetings take place over whiskey sours in this place so you didn’t think much of it. You tried your best to keep tending to your regulars when a pair from the group came over.

One of the men had deep brown eyes and a sly grin that when split gave you the perfect view of the gap between his teeth. He was confident but he had a kind look to him. His friend had dirty blond hair and a beard that clung to his perfect jawline and you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t snuck a second look. You turned your back and continued filling orders to distract yourself when one of them cleared their throat behind you.

As you turned to face them you found it was the blond calling after you. His face held a hint of surprise but it was quickly replaced by a look of amusement as he smirked and one brow lifted, like he knew something you didn’t. He was like any other typical customer for you, professional and handsome, probably over-confident in himself. You returned his smirk and prepared your best charming banter. Time to earn those tips.

“Something to drink for you, gentleman?” You offered.

“We’d like a round of scotch for the table over there. You don’t mind bringing it over, do you sweetheart?” the brown-eyed man asked.

“Of course not” you answered. Pricks.

“Good girl” the blond said with a wink. Creep. A hot creep but still. Before you could ask he took his card out of his wallet and put it on the counter for the tab.

____

A round had come and passed, soon they’d asked for another but this time it was just the blond that approached you. You lifted your eyebrows in anticipation of an order.

“You here often?” he asked. Ugh, not even a good pick up line.

“Am I here at my job often?” You retorted with a playful smile.

The man’s shoulders shook as he chuckled. “Sorry you just uh, you look familiar that’s all. What’s your name?”

You supplied him with it and asked him if he wanted another round of scotch. He nodded.

���Smart girl, I’m Steve by the way.” He laid down his business card which you picked up with a look of challenging curiosity. Steve Rogers, CEO of Shield inc.

Oh. You didn’t recognize the name but you definitely knew the company. It felt like a quarter of their employees stopped in for a drink throughout the week and it was prominent enough of a company that you read about it weekly. Play it cool, these types want to feel like an every-man at the bar but still wanna feel important.

You raised your eyebrows again in recognition. “Nice to meet you, Steve, I’ll have your round right out.”

“Good Girl” he winked again at you. Okay so it’s hot, but he’s a total stranger and you don’t even know him. Stay on your game.

___

10 o’clock came around and things were thinning out slightly, regulars made their way out, awkward Tinder dates and rowdy young 20-somethings made their way in. The party of businessmen was still around but they were hopefully wrapping up after the 2 more rounds they’d had. Steve approached the bar once more and you preemptively picked up the bottle of scotch.

“Whoa, easy, girl! I’m here to pick up the tab” He said, taking out his wallet.

“What’s the name on the tab?” You decided to play dumb but based off the grin on his face he knew you were playing with him.

“Steve. Rogers.” He replied, his tone was stern but his eyes told you he was in on the joke.

You cashed him out and left him to sign his receipt so you could make more drinks. You saw him move in your peripheral and turned your head to see his face.

“Have a good night, sweetheart. I’ll be seein’ ya” he promised.

“Take care!” You smiled back.

A few minutes later you circled back to collect his receipt and found three $100 bills staring back at you. You blinked dumbly in disbelief, who the hell leaves a 200% tip? Looking around to see if Steve was still here he was nowhere to be found. You had no choice but to pocket the money.

____

Another week went by and left you wondering how much energy and concentration it would take for you to just evaporate, since that seemed easier than going to work today. Sadly still in solid form, you punched in at the store and stowed your things in your locker.

Your upscale customer base was a mostly pretentious and successful group of yuppies so even though you were grateful to not be on the streets you were constantly reminded of the professional success you couldn’t help but feel that you were missing out on. Stuck instead to listen to incessant whining ‘is this organic? I won’t eat it unless it’s organic’.

The upside of this job was that the time went by quickly because you always had so much to do. Plus with how monotonous the work was it was easy enough to zone out. So much so that you hadn’t heard someone calling your name and approaching you. A hand softly touching your shoulder snapped you into the present.

You looked up, startled to find a pair of blue eyes staring back into yours. You took a step back and processed who it was. “CEO guy?” Steve?

“‘CEO guy?’ I thought I recognized you, ‘barmaid’ or should I say… ‘stock girl?’” He joked using his fingers to make quotations.

Now that you thought about it, the store isn’t that far at all from the bar, it would make sense if he’s in the area. You smiled and tapped your nametag in response.

“I just came in on my lunch to grab a few groceries” looking down at his basket it held some protein powder, some eggs, and one lonely banana. “Clearly, I’m single. But you’d know that already, wouldn’t you?”

Your brows twinged together in confusion. What is that supposed to mean?

“Excuse me?”

He edged a little closer to you and lowered his voice “SeekingConnection.com?”

Your eyes widened in shock. The fucking Sugar Daddy site! I forgot about that! Surprise was quickly replaced with humiliation. You looked down and away as you felt your cheeks heat up.

“I don’t mean to embarrass you” Steve placated, “But I gotta say, I’m pretty hurt you never responded to me. I sent that message weeks ago and let’s just say I’m not used to rejection.” He kept his tone light, letting you know he wasn’t mad.

“I-I um, I’m sorry, I don’t have a computer and they don’t have an app, I was using my roommates’ computer and I guess I forgot about it…” You admitted.

Steve nodded in acknowledgement. Please say something to salvage this conversation. Please.

“Well,” Steve rummaged in his pocket for another business card. “You got a pen on you?”

You dug around in your apron and came up with one. Handing it to him you watched as he wrote on the back of the card. He held the card and the pen out to you.

“That’s my number, I’d ask for yours but I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable, you already look like you wanna sink through the floor” Not helping, but I do. You took them from him and tucked them away in the pocket of your apron.

“You do have a phone right?” You only glared at him in response. “Well, if you check your profile, you would’ve seen I asked you out to lunch, offer still stands. Just text me when you’re free”

Should I even say yes? I mean, the winking the other night was weird but he’s good looking and at least somewhat considerate. I mean, it’s not like I had any other intention when I signed up for that site. What the hell. right?

“I… usually work mid shifts so I don’t know if lunch is doable, they only give me half an hour but, maybe we could do coffee? I’ve got tomorrow off from the bar I could meet you” you suggested.

If Steve felt pity for you he hid it well behind the wide smile he made when you offered coffee instead.

“There’s a place around the corner from here, just up a block, you know it? I’m off tomorrow at 6, why don’t you meet me there?”

“Sounds like a plan.” He winked at you again and started walking away. What the hell just happened?

____

You did end up borrowing your roommate’s computer once again when you got home to look up Steve’s DM. Sure enough, there he had been in all his internet glory. ‘Steve, 33, CEO. likes: art, conversation, whiskey. Digging around further on his profile you found that he owned several houses here and in Europe, he had a dog that was cuter than he was, and that he was ‘Seeking deeper connection’. All of these things piqued your interest.

‘Hey, Doll. Saw your profile and I had to ask, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Kidding, of course. But maybe you’d care to tell me your story over lunch? Your profile says we’re both in New York. - Steve’ Sent three weeks ago. Fuck.

You had texted him earlier to confirm, which is how you found yourself walking up the sidewalk towards the shop with a mind running rampant with nervous thoughts. What if he just wants to feel big about himself in comparison to me? What would I even really have to offer the relationship? A college dropout working two dead-end jobs with no social life. You needed to snap yourself out of it. You were just meeting for coffee doesn’t mean anything.

Pushing open the door you found Steve waving at you from a quiet corner. He was still in a suit, presumably coming from work himself. Even the buttons on his shirt looked expensive. You were wearing dirty jeans and a worn pair of work boots paired with a flannel. You couldn’t have looked more different if you tried.

“I waited for you to order,” He said. You smiled up at him, only now realizing how tall he was in comparison to you. He ushered you both towards the counter where you both placed your orders. You moved to take your wallet from your purse but he had already beat you there.

“Really? As if I’d let the lady pay, and on the first date no less?” He said playfully.

“Oh, so this is a date now, is it?” You kidded.

Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and gave you that boyish grin and a shrug. The pair of you made your way back to the table and waited for your drinks to be brought over.

“How was work?” You asked, “What exactly is it that your company does?”

“We offer security and surveillance software domestically as well as international. Stadiums, airports, other government buildings. Things of that nature. And work was fine, thank you for asking” Steve said with a genuine smile. “How was your day, doll?”

“Oh, my day was fine, more of the same but y’know,” You answered half-heartedly.

“You know, you never answered me, what’s a funny, pretty gal like you doing on a site like that?”

Embarrassment hit you again, this time maybe accompanied with a hint of shame. You were saved momentarily by your drinks being delivered. He seemed truly interested and since he was paying you supposed you owed him an answer.

“I was going to Columbia and I had a pretty good internship when my mom got diagnosed with cancer. She died three months later and since it was only always just the two of us I ended up footing the bill. I was on partial scholarship but between the hospital and the funeral I can’t really afford the rest of tuition on top of working for free so here I am” you explained, “Oh my god, I’m sorry I’m totally oversharing aren’t I? You probably don’t wanna hear about a bummer like this, sorry”

You tried to laugh to ease the tension you thought you’d created. Braving a look at Steve, he looked thoughtful and only a little bit like he pitied you. You could live with that.

“I’m really sorry about your mom, mine also got really sick before she died, I know it must’ve been hard. What were you in school for?”

___

You and Steve talked for hours, trading anecdotes of childhood and talking about each other’s interests. You had a similar sense in humour so you got on swimmingly. The evening seemed to be coming to a close as the night sky sent in through the window.

Being with Steve was probably the most relaxed you’d felt since before your mom was diagnosed. It became difficult to focus on anything but your financial situation and even though that’s what brought you here in the first place you had managed to forget all about it.

“So look, us getting together wasn’t exactly the most conventional on meet-cutes but to put it bluntly,” He said, “The CEO life makes it hard to meet real people and it gets kinda lonely, I mean, you saw my grocery basket” You both laughed at that. “You need money and I need company, I feel like we could help each other out. Whad’ya say? Think you could put up with me?”

You knew what this was but hearing it put so plainly was a little surprising. At least he was to the point.

“So if I said yes what does that mean, exactly?” you inquired.

“Well,” he started, “We take care of each other. Let me cover some of your bills at the very least, make it so you’d be comfortable quitting at least one of your jobs. And you’d keep me company, we go on dates, maybe you could come over, there’s the occasional work event or charity gala I’d need you on my arm for. Thoughts?”

God I can’t even imagine what it’s like to work only one job anymore. Maybe I could even save up and go back to school. He’s cute and he seems sensible, why not?

“Could we maybe take things slow? What you describe is something I’m down for but I don’t want to make myself completely dependent on you. But I’d love to be there for you, and I have to admit, the thought of only working one full time job is pretty crazy to me” You laughed.

Steve swallowed and placed one of his large, warm hands over yours.

“I can do things the old fashioned way, if that’s what you’d feel good with. I gotta say though, with looks like that it’s not gonna be easy” he jested.

You smiled shyly and looked away. You both stood to leave and he held the door open for you.

“I’ve already got your number from when you texted me earlier but I’ll talk to my assistant about my schedule and maybe I could take you out to dinner this weekend?”

“I um, I’d really like that. It’s a date” You stated.

“Oh, so you think this is a date now?” He jested.

You lightly punched him in the arm and he took the opportunity to pull you closer to him. You looked up to find his face inches from yours. You could smell his aftershave and his deep voice gave you goosebumps when he spoke next.

“I kinda want to kiss you goodnight, would that be okay?”

You could only nod as he shut his eyes and closed in. Your lips met in one perfect, chaste kiss. You sighed and leaned into his hand as it briefly cupped your face.

You broke apart and made promises to see each other soon. You felt like you could’ve floated home as you boarded the subway, caught up in the swarm of newly forming feelings.

_____

You sat in the break room when your phone buzzed to life, ‘Saturday at 7?’

You were about to type out a yes when you forgot you worked closing at the bar. Your thumbs moved quickly to tap out the reply ‘Working, sorry :/ the pitfalls of bartending. Sunday at 7?’

You were nervous telling him no and asking to change plans. You hated not being able to make things work but you only just met the man and the weekend tips were killer, it’s not like you could turn the shift down.

‘Ah yes, almost forgot. Sunday works too, I’ll text you the details. What’s your address? I’ll pick you up’

Oh, God. Steve can’t see my building! His cufflinks probably cost more than my rent!

‘I’ll just meet you there, don’t worry about it’

‘Not a chance, doll. Just tell me where and I’ll come get you’

You let out a worried sigh but knew you had to let it go. You sent him your address and went back to work.

____

Saturday was maybe the longest day in your entire week, in fact you loathed it. Mornings at the store followed by running immediately to the bar. Last call in New York was 4am so it’s a good thing you didn’t try to make brunch plans with Steve for Sunday. But ultimately both your shifts passed without major incident and now it was Sunday and you tried to ready yourself the best you could.

The place Steve mentioned was fancy, you knew that much from a quick search. Panicking instantly upon realizing you don’t really have any nice clothes you turned to your most fashionable roommate for help. She loaned you a cocktail dress that was revealing enough to draw interest without giving everything away. You just hoped Steve would like it.

‘Downstairs, doll. Silver BMW’ you exhaled. Hoo boy, here we go.

____

Steve handed his keys to the valet and rushed around to open your door for you. You held his hand and you clambered onto the sidewalk in your heels. His warm hand on the small of your back as he steered you towards the doors was a comforting weight.

Dinner has been lovely so far, he chose a place that wasn’t completely white-glove but was upscale enough to make you feel only a little underdressed.

You joked back and forth with him over the course of the meal, talked about your lives, and even found out you both have a guilty pleasure for cheesy rom-coms. It wasn’t until dessert and your third glass of wine came that you realized how much time had passed. You frowned slightly thinking of the early morning ahead of you followed by a long night at the bar.

“What’s wrong, doll?”

“Oh, nothing I just didn’t realize how late it was, I’ve got both jobs tomorrow it’ll just be a long day that’s all” you tried to wave it off but Steve frowned in response.

“Quit the bar” he stated.

“What?”

“Quit the bar. This is your card, I’ve already loaded $3000 on there. Put me in touch with your landlord and I’ll get you taken care of.” He slid the card across the table to you. Your name printed on the front. This got real very quickly.

“Steve, that’s.” You were in shock, a loss for words almost “that’s too much, I don’t know what to say.” You felt embarrassed taking the money. You knew that was the essence of your arrangement but actually taking his money had you feeling uneasy.

“Honey, this is what I’m here for. Let me take care of you. Give up your late nights. I wanna take you out on the weekends and you’ll need to be available for events. You can stay at the store if you want but quit the bar, you don’t need it.”

You took a deep sigh. He did say he wanted you to be comfortable quitting one of your jobs; it's just making the change that scares you. But something about Steve felt safe so you nodded and looked up to him.

“I’ll put in my two weeks”

“Good girl” he patted your knee and you involuntarily clenched your thighs. He smirked at that but let it go.

____

A few months had come and gone since that night and your time with Steve had been great. Only working the one job gave you so much more free time. You'd spent a good chunk of it just trying to form a normal sleep schedule but all the time you spent with Steve made it difficult. Not that you minded especially since your allowance was monthly but he’d showered you with gifts here and there.

They started off small, perfume, chocolates and flowers, or a simple pair of white gold hoops that reminded him of you. They gradually became pricier and more elaborate. You’d felt guilty accepting it all at first but he was insistent you deserve the best. He had even mentioned you moving out maybe finding a better place but you reminded him you needed to go slow.

He’d also been nothing short of a gentleman. Out in public at least, you’d learned the hard way that he was an absolute animal in bed. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep your hands off of him.

Something you had appreciated about Steve is that he never made you feel bad or less than for being broke. Never held his money over your head like leverage. You’d felt equal to him in all aspects, understanding you had just as much say as he did.

Still, there was a small nagging voice in the back of your head that reminded you Steve is not your boyfriend. This isn't a relationship and he's looking to get something out of just like you are. But if you were being honest you were catching feelings, it was hard not to when the man was giving you the fantasy. You decided to push that voice aside whenever it came up and let yourself be swept away. Maybe that would bite you in the ass but for now you were happy.

____

You were buzzed into Steve’s building and on the elevator ride up to his penthouse your phone buzzed. ‘I have to make a quick call- I’ve got a present waiting for you in the living room.’ You couldn’t help but feel giddy.

The doors opened and Steve was nowhere in sight but as you entered the living room a bag from Chanel and the Apple Store sat on the table. Oh god, what this time? I swear this man is too much.

You opened the smaller bag from Chanel first and found a beautiful black and white evening bag. It was sleek and simple, very much to your tastes. You were nervous to open the Apple bag, Steve always went overboard. Shakily removing the paper you pulled out the slim case in disbelief. A MacBook Air and a pair of AirPod Pros. The man well and truly spoiled you.

“You said you didn’t have a computer.” His voice came from behind you and startled you.

“Steve, this is too much. You’re too much.” You swung your arms around his neck and kissed him.

“Nothin’s too much for you, doll.” He kissed the top of your head.

“Think you could take a couple days off of work? I just got off the phone and confirmed plans for my house in Nice.”

A trip? France?? Oh my god. How is this my life? You felt so overwhelmed that you grabbed Steve by the collar and brought his face down to meet you in a kiss. His tongue swiped your lips and you granted him entrance. Moaning into his mouth your hands traveled up into his hair, pulling softly and coaxing a groan out of him.

He guided you to sit on the couch and brought you down into his lap. You ground down onto him and felt his hard-on through his slacks. Your hand moved slowly to undo the buttons of his shirt as he kissed down your jaw towards your neck. You sighed softly when he found your sweet spot and started sucking.

He helped you take off his shirt while you got started on his belt and undid his pants. He lifted himself off the couch slightly to move them down to his knees, taking his briefs with them. His cock stood proud and an angry red, leaking at the tip.

“I wanna ride you, I can’t wait.” You pouted as you writhed against him in need.

Steve tutted at you “that’s no way to get what you want. Ask me nicely, baby. Beg to ride my cock,”

You ground down even harder and whined. “Please, sir, please let me ride your cock. I need to feel you, I can’t wait any longer please.”

“Good Girl” Steve's hands flipped up your skirt and found your panties, ripping them to shreds. They were La Perla and had cost a pretty penny but he didn’t care.

He lined himself up and brought you down harshly gripping your hips. You moaned loudly in surprise and satisfaction and wasted no time moving back and forth. Steve made you feel so close and connected to him whenever he fucked you but he still made you feel sordid and dirty. You couldn’t get enough of the feeling, you’d gladly chase it.

His eyes were hooded as watched you chase your own pleasure and giving him some in return. His hands kneaded your ass and smacked it just to get a gasp out of you. He grabbed the back of your head and brought you in for a searing kiss that was all teeth and tongue. He’d nip at you and lick the pain away.

His hips met yours, finding your rhythm and speeding you both up when he gripped your hips.

“Can’t wait to have me, you had to fuck me on the couch huh?” Steve panted, “my dirty girl. So fuckin’ gorgeous.”

You put your forehead against his and went harder, pushing your clit to grind against the muscles of his abs.

“Only yours, sir.” Your orgasm was building. Steve was a pretty relaxed dom but you still needed permission.

“Sir, please let me cum I can’t wait any longer” you tried your best to slow your movements a bit.

“I think you can hold it baby, I wanna enjoy you a little longer”.

You could only whine in response and tried to slow your pace but his grip on your hips and his own movements pushed you further and further towards the edge. You tried to squirm out of his grasp but his hands only tightened. It felt like forever until Steve finally gave you permission.

“Go on baby, cum for me you earned it. Fuck your self on my cock and cum all over me”

Your movements were frantic, desperate to chase your orgasm when finally the perfect angle of his cock inside you and your clit against him set you free. You cried out above him and dug your nails in deep.

Steve held you firmly in place and started slamming into you from below, finally letting himself think about cumming. All you could do was hold on for mercy. Moments later he brought you down onto him one final slam as he came inside of you with a cry.

The only sound in the room was both of you trying to catch your breath. You sighed again and collapsed against him, nuzzling your face into his neck. He kissed the side of your face and let you make yourself at home while he caressed your back.

____

One shower and two more orgasms later you were both clean and made your way to the kitchen. Steve was gathering the ingredients for dinner when you hugged him from behind. Your head resting against his back. Steve twisted around and hugged you in full. You both stayed like that for a moment until you looked up at him.

You were so content. Moments like this where you were just domestic were some of the best between you. It wasn’t about money or material, it was just the two of you making dinner and enjoying each other, no barriers.

“Are you really going to take me to France?” Your voice came out muffled against his chest.

“Of course, doll. After dinner I want you to use your new laptop to buy some outfits for the trip. I left my card in your new purse.”

You lifted onto your tiptoes and kissed his nose.

“You really do think of everything, don’t you?”

“What can I say? I’m a planner” he retorted.

You didn’t know it yet but Steve was going to ask you to become official while you were there. He wasn’t worried in the slightest. In fact he’d never been so sure about something in his life.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #391

“if you wanna soar with vultures, you’ll have to swallow crow”

Have you ever been to Australia? No. I want to visit a friend there, but honestly, Australia scares me too much lmao. That place is like, the Hard mode in life. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My sister's husband just had his. Are you wearing a necklace? If so, describe it. No. Do you know anyone who is left-handed? My best fren. Ever wear out a CD? What was it? Haha, yeah... I caused a few scratches on Ozzy's Black Rain, as well as one more of his, where the album name is surprisingly evading me. What’s your favorite card game? Magic: The Gathering. What’s your favorite fast food meal? Burgers or chicken tenders are usually my go-to, depending on the place. Where is the best restaurant you’ve ever eaten in at? The Cheesecake Factory. @_@ Lamb chops or pork chops? I've actually never tried lamb chops before, but I've always thought they look yummy. If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne, probably. It's very motivating. Ever heard of Shinedown? Yeah, I like 'em. They're one of Dad's faves. What size is your bed? Queen. What is the first meal you remember eating? Hell if I know. What was the first movie you ever saw? I also don't remember. What percentile of your class were you in? The top. Can you name every place you’ve ever had sex? I probably could, but I'm not going to. What forms of birth control have you used? The pill and also just not having a sex life lmao. Do you use sponges or dishcloths when doing the dishes? A sponge. What’s your favorite song on the top twenty right now? I have zero clue what's in the top twenty. Ever punched a wall? No. What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? An ant in the house. My fingers. Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? I've never been pulled over. What was your first legal alcoholic drink? A margarita, I think? What’s the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? Probably this laptop. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? My snake. Or my most recent tattoo, idr. What is your favorite cover song? I think Disturbed's "Sound of Silence" is unbeatable as a cover. Well, or Johnny Cash's "Hurt." Both SLAUGHTER the originals. Did you ever drop out of school? College, three times. Ever raise a child that wasn’t your own for more than 3 months? No. Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? Considering the location, having a pilonidal cyst drained by pushing on it. Jesus FUCKING Christ it hurt so goddamn bad. Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? I don’t have a job. Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Windows. Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Yes. How many times a year do you go on vacation? Zero, generally. What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? The Holocaust. What’s the saddest report you have ever seen on the news? *shrug* I don't watch the news. In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know? Putting aside my illogical fear of whale sharks, probably giant squid. Like no thank u. What superpower do you think would be the most handy in times of trouble? Teleportation. Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or…? No. There are WAY too many people in the world for that. Plus, you're talking to a person who has been in love with two different individuals, and both were perfectly valid feelings. Why are you best friends with your best friend? She's just simply amazing. Strong, funny, intelligent, caring, supportive, loyal... She's, again, amazing. Do you world peace is truly a possibility in the future? Realistically, no. But it's nice to imagine. Pretend you are a really good cook, what meal would you make? *shrug* It would depend on what I wanted to eat. What do you think of when you look at the stars? Just the vastness of everything, and I wonder what it's like up there in outer space. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Dead? Their shells are part of their actual skeletal structure. What’s one thing you feel you must do in your life before it ends? Just... feel like I did something. What Disney princess are you most like? Personality-wise, I mean. Maybe Belle? To be totally honest, I don't really remember the details of most of their personalities. What do you think is the most important thing in this life is? Love. Do you use any acne medication? Not anymore. Have you ever tried to learn another language? How did it go? I took Latin for one semester, and it was hard as FUCK. I quickly changed to German next semester and did that for all four available classes. Do you still have a landline phone in your home? No. Throughout a typical week, which places are you likely to go? I go to the TMS therapy office every weekday, and I might ride with my mom to pick up groceries or something. How often do you use your webcam, if you even have one that is? Never anymore because my mic doesn't work on this laptop, so there's no reason to. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? Neither, actually. What was the last thing you bought from a liquor store? Mom bought a nice bottle of some pink lemonade Smirnoff the other day for us to try, but she left it at my sister's. ;-; It looked soooo good. Is there any cereal in your house? What kind? Yeah. Mom got some Honey Nut Cheerios and Reese's Puffs. What's the most number of people you've ever lived with? Excluding myself, I wanna say five. Do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day? No. Do you have any pets? How long have you had them? I've had Venus forrrr... I want to say four years, and Roman for two, I think. What's your favourite kind of cheese? American. Have you danced in the rain? No. Who is your favorite person to text? Sara. What’s your favorite brand of jeans? I haven't worn jeans in many years. Do you enjoy Mario games? Not especially. Mario Kart is fun, though. What’s your favorite online game? World of Warcraft. Have you ever been hit with a ball in gym class? Yes. That shit hurts. Who was last to cook for you? My mom. Would you ever wish to explore a cave? YES!!!!! You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Freeze, physically and mentally. Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high? Yes, because I was afraid to say no. Did you ever date the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever held a snake? Plenty of times. How often do you have friends over to your house? Never. Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? No. Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? My mom, because she always feels unwanted at Ashley's house. It wasn't unexpected, honestly. She cries a lot in the car when she leaves my sister's house, honestly. It's heartbreaking. Do you have any exercises you do everyday? No. :/ Are you more of a dog or cat person? I'm a cat person. That only becomes more apparent with time, really. Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? I probably have, given I've had nightmares of strangling someone, punching and slapping people... all kinds of stuff. My nightmares are so fucking violent and I hate it. Would you ever have a bird as a pet? No. Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. Do you know someone who’s been cremated? My dog, as well as my younger sister's old pup. And Mom's. What is your favorite animated movie? The Lion King. Did your grandparents teach you anything? To not be horrendously old-fashioned and to never have kids, yes. Congrats, Grandma, I took both things to heart. Do you want/have a Bachelor's degree? No. Are you into superheroes? Who's your favourite? Not massively, no. I like Deadpool (yeah, yeah, antihero, whatever) and Spider-Man. Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it? Yes to both. Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? I don't think so. Did you ever play Neopets when you were younger? Yes, I LOVED them. Sometimes I'm still tempted to make a new account, I shit you not, lol. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have your parents ever worked in medicine? My mom was a pharmacy technician or some title like that for a long time. Is there anything unusual about your house? I don't think so? How many serious relationships have you been in? Two. Do you listen to Rise Against? I only know "Re-education (Through Labor)," but I LOVE that song. When was the last time you congratulated someone? It was probably something on Facebook, but idr. Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? Go no, I could never. How old were you when you got your ears pierced? I don't remember my age, but old enough where I did it of my own volition. Do you snore when you sleep? No. Surprising for someone with sleep apnea as horrendous as mine. What was the last type of burger you ate? I had a McDouble from McDonald's a few nights ago.

[danyka-fendyr]

Absence of Good - 7

Chapter Seven: Naked

For once in my damn life I actually got inspired and this is what became of it. Basically I was thinking about Taylor Swift and rewatched the Miss Americana trailer (I’m waiting to rewatch the movie so I can do it with my aunt) and I just like...ended up in my feels? So I actually kind of really like this chapter and I hope you guys do too. Also shout-out to that one anon who binged the last six chapters and sent me an ask about it! I live for moments like that, truly.

Taglist: @dreamwritesimagines @rhabakoli

AoG Taglist: @pancakefancake @prettyboyspenerrr @youreasnack @alioop3818

Wordcount: 3290

Warnings: Dark themes throughout. Death. Murder. Some body horror. PTSD. Flashbacks. Trauma. Discussion of torture and kidnapping. Brief mentions of sexual assault.  

“I often don’t say things out loud, even when I should. I contain and compartmentalize to a disturbing degree: In my belly-basement are hundreds of bottles of rage, despair, fear, but you’d never guess from looking at me.”

-Gillian Flynn

It was official. You were cleared for active duty again. You had passed every test they had thrown at you, and by every empirical measure you were fine. It was like nothing had ever happened. And so that’s how you decided this was going to play out. You were just going to act like nothing had ever happened.

You were going to bluff like your life depended on it.

Your first day back at work had to be perfection. You envisioned it in your head the night before, you built it, like building up a shield or a wall. Pristine, beautiful, strong. You got up extra early just to execute it, just to put on the pencil skirt, the red heels, the crisp blazer and the flawless makeup. All of it planned out, right down to the skinny vanilla latte with oatmilk. Just like a costume.

You were prepared for the barrage when you stepped back into the BAU. Penelope Garcia never let anyone come back from a long absence without at least an absurd amount of enthusiasm. Usually there was a surprise party involved. You prayed there was not a surprise party involved in your return today.

In fact, you were hoping there wouldn’t even be a case. That, just this once, the bad guys would see fit to give you a break. That maybe they wouldn’t kick a woman while she was down.

Your hopes were too high though.

Penelope’s squeals of delight and everyone’s sickeningly pitiful looks were cut short by Hotch.

“It’s good to have you back, Y/L/N.” Even stone-cold professional Aaron Hotchner looked softer, if that was at all possible. “That being said, I’m afraid we have a case.”

He didn’t patronize you by asking if you were up to it. He knew that you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. In a way, you were glad for the work. It would be distracting.

You were glad for it until the second you walked into the briefing room and saw the photos Penelope pulled up on the board. Then you were holding back vomit and taking careful, even breaths because nobody could know you were panicking. Three different women, all of whom had been tortured, then dumped. Sure, they hadn’t been tortured the same way you had been, or even by the same guy. That didn’t stop every last one of their faces from turning into your own.

You were under a magnifying glass here though, and you couldn’t break composure even for a second. They couldn’t know. So you practiced your breathing techniques, took careful, measured blinks, and listened the best you could. You swallowed perhaps a little too rapidly, relying on your latte to hide that you were just stopping yourself from crying. In a room full of profilers, the stakes had never been higher.

“Alright team. All of these women were found in the last month in North Dakota. As you can see, there are clear signs of torture, and there is also evidence of sexual assault. It appears the assault was ante-mortem, but there are no signs of remorse in the way the bodies were dumped. All of these women were in different, clean clothes, and their bodies themselves had been cleaned up. You can see that injuries were stitched back together, and the only blood on the body appears as stains from where it sat on the skin too long and couldn’t be properly removed.”

“So we’re dealing with a doctor?” Morgan asked.

“I don’t know about that. These don’t look surgical. They seem pretty messy to me,” Rossi said.

“The coroner’s report from the first victim would indicate that this isn’t professional work.” Hotch folded his hands in front of him.

“It’s entirely possible this guy’s a germaphobe though.” You made an easy contribution, something to satisfy everyone without drawing suspicion.

“You know, it’s not unlikely.” Spencer leaned forward, pressing his fingertips together thoughtfully. “Approximately 9.1% of American citizens do have phobias. It wouldn’t be too radical to suggest that maybe our unsub does as well.”

“Okay, so we’re dealing with a germaphobe who can’t sew. Doesn’t narrow it down much. I’d say we need to get out there and see what’s going on ourselves,” Prentiss said.

“Wheels up in 20.”

 The plane ride was long enough that you were able to sleep through most of it after tossing around ideas. You found your own quiet little corner of the plane and promptly pretended to sleep so that no one would bother you. In reality you hadn’t slept well in weeks and couldn’t risk sleeping now in case you woke up out of a nightmare, but as far as the team was concerned, you were to be left alone. 10 minutes before landing you “woke up” to listen to Hotch giving out assignments.

“Morgan and JJ, I want you checking out the dumpsites. Prentiss and Y/L/N, go talk to the M.E.”

“Hotch, I really think I should go with Y/N.” Your entire body tensed at Spencer’s words. “We tend to work really well together and especially with a case like this I think my medical knowledge could come in handy. I might be able to figure something out from looking at the bodies and examining the stitches.”

Hotch paused for a moment. “Alright then. Reid, you’re with Y/L/N, and Prentiss you can stick with Rossi and I.”

“That works for me.” Prentiss shrugged. “I have an old buddy who used to work for the Bismarck police department. I’d like to see if he still does, see what I can find out from him.”

“Good. Then it’s decided.”

 Hotch could not have picked a more awkward person for you to be trapped in a car with. Of course, you supposed Hotch hadn’t picked him, he had volunteered. You wondered if he could tell something was up with you, or if it was just instinct. If sharks could smell blood in the water, Spencer had a nose for you being in any kind of emotional distress. Right now you wished that he didn’t.

5 minutes into the drive he spoke up.

“You’re awfully quiet.”

“Yeah. Just tired.” You lean your head back further into the nook between the seat and the window frame.

“You sleeping okay?” Spencer’s brow furrowed as he glanced over at you.

“Yeah, fine.” Lies, lies, lies. “I was uh…out late last night.”

“Oh.”

You stared out the window, watching the scenery. This time of year there wasn’t much to see in North Dakota. Just frigid, icy wasteland. You dreaded getting out of the drowsy comfort of the nice warm car.

“On a date?” Spencer’s voice sounded off somehow.

“What? No.”

Maybe too quick an answer, but it was a ridiculous suggestion. You? On a date? In your dreams.

“Some friends of mine from college were in town. We went out and got a few drinks before they had to head back.” Always make sure the witnesses are conveniently unavailable.

“That must have been nice.” Spencer smiled.

“Yeah. It was good.”

“So other than that, how have you been?”

“Good. Great, really. Itching to get back to work though.”

“Really? Wasn’t the break nice?”

“Nice, but boring.” You pulled your sleeves over your hands.

“I guess.”

Spencer pulled into the parking lot, safely sliding into one of the available spaces before coming around to open your door. You frowned slightly. He had never done that before. If he was babying you now just because of what had happened you were going to kill him.

Mad. Mad was new. Mad was good. You decided to pursue that.

“Why open the door? I can do it myself, you know.” Your voice carried more hostility than was warranted.

“I know,” Spencer said, blushing. Blushing? “I just thought it might be nice. Plus with all of this ice you could get hurt. Did you know that 1 million Americans are injured slipping on ice annually?”

Ah. So he was babying you.

“I’m fine. I can handle a little cold, Spencer. Now come on, we have bodies to look at.”

You stormed ahead, determined to leave him standing there alone in the cold. What happened instead was far less triumphant and dignified. You slipped. On ice. And Spencer caught you. And then subsequently did not slip.

“See?” A smile played on his mouth as you looked up at him through your snow-coated lashes. “Dangerous weather conditions. But you’re right, we should get inside.”

He righted you, unfortunately causing you to leave his warm embrace, and looped his arm through yours as you two headed into the coroners.

 Seeing the bodies in person was worse than you thought it would be. The smell of the formaldehyde felt like it was seeping into your pores, like it would never leave you. The gleam of the metal tables seemed to whisper, “This could have been you.” The icy cold Bismarck air turned your skin to something lifeless, something that belonged underneath one of the sheets hanging over the victims. After all, what was one more dead girl?

It took everything you had to keep it together. Even then you let Spence do most of the talking.

“So these stitches, they’re not surgical,” he established.

“Well see, that’s what’s interesting about this. The first ones certainly don’t seem surgical. They’re far too messy. The technique is good, but the execution is falling apart. But the second body is far more orderly, and the third is nearly perfect.”

“So our unsub has been practicing.” The horror in your voice shone through.

“It would seem so. But here’s what else is interesting. The chemicals used to clean these girls up? They make the same progression. At first, household cleaners, hence all the staining. But then they move to medical grade stuff.”

“Wait…could we be dealing with a medical student here?” You asked.

“It’s entirely likely. However, I would bet that whoever did this is looking less to be a surgeon and more to be a coroner themselves. Look at the cut patterns.”

You froze. You didn’t want to look. You couldn’t look. You could feel your scars burning in your sides, white hot, the metal slicing through you, tearing you to ribbons.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

“As the victims progress, the pattern becomes more and more organized, until it almost looks like…”

“An autopsy,” Spencer finished.

The coroner nodded. “So I certainly wouldn’t rule out medical students, but if I had to take a guess…”

“We’re not looking for a candy striper,” You supplied.

“We have to get this to Hotch. Thank you so much for your help.” Spencer took the folders offered before following you back out to the parking lot and into the car.

 As it turned out, your suspicions were correct. The unsub had been studying to work as an M.E., until they discovered that cadavers just weren’t enough. Sublimation can only take you so far.

They began seeking out more lively victims, their psychopathy making them seem no different than a cadaver. To this unsub, people were just meat to be used and then hacked up. He would never be seeing his medical license though.

You should have felt good. Should have felt on top of the world about solving a case, especially being able to do it so quickly. Instead, you just felt a cold sense of dread about having to go home to your nightmares. On the plane, you once again feigned sleep, with the goal of slipping away from the others when you touched down. No such luck.

“Good, you’re all back! I have a surprise for our favorite returned agent. That’s right, it’s tequila time! We’re all going out for drinks, totally non-optional. And when I say all of us, I mean all of us.” She glared pointedly at Reid. “Even the good doctor.”

“Penelope, I’m not sure this is such a good idea.” Spence looked over to you.

For the first time that day, you allowed yourself a moment of weakness. You had gone through a lot, you had sat through that briefing, you had looked at those bodies. You could have a little bit of emotional vulnerability. As a treat.

You looked at Spencer hopelessly, practically begging him to save you from your surprise party fate and somehow get Garcia to call the whole thing off. You couldn’t do this. All you wanted was to go home and take a nice hot shower and curl up alone.

“Okay,” Spencer said. “I’ll go.”

Penelope cheered, overwhelmingly excited about the development.

Morgan chuckled. “Baby girl, we better go before he changes his mind.”

“Oh! Right!” And with that she was off.

 The very last thing you could have possibly needed right now was a bar. It was loud and noisy and crowded and all together far too much for you to handle. You supposed you should be thankful it wasn’t a club, but you couldn’t find it in yourself. You didn’t want this right now.

You didn’t want glowing neon lights or the wine cooler you were pretending to drink to make Garcia happy. You didn’t want music that was slightly too loud or a football game playing in the background. Most of all, you didn’t want all of these people touching you. Every graze was like someone was running nails down a chalkboard. You would have rather had a cheese grater on your skin, would have rather peeled it off and torn it to pieces.  You had to get out of there.

Your salvation came from the source of your doom.

“Well guys, I think I’m going to head out,” Spencer said. “It’s getting kind of late and I have a documentary I was hoping to catch.”

“Alright, well, we’ll see you soon okay boy wonder?” Morgan raised his glass in salute.

“Actually, perfect timing Spencer. I was wondering, do you think you could drive me home?” You had originally carpooled with JJ, having taken public transportation to work that day. Oddly enough, you knew Spencer had brought his car. “I’m totally wiped out after last night.”

“Oh, right, you had your thing with friends!” He remembered. “Um, sure, yeah. I guess your place is on the way to mine. The more the merrier!”

Garcia tried to convince you to stay, but Spencer maintained the role of a beautiful, beautiful excuse. With your combined efforts you were able to navigate your way out of the clutches of Penelope Garcia and into the cool, quiet car, where mercifully no one was touching you.

Your apartment wasn’t far from the bar, but you were irritated to find that Spencer insisted on seeing you up. You were tired of this patronizing behavior. You didn’t need to be coddled, you needed to be respected. You thought he of all people would be the one to always respect you, but apparently not.

You stopped outside of your door, keys in hand as you looked up at him. “Why are you doing this?”

“What?”

“Why are you treating me like I can’t be left alone for 5 seconds? You’re babying me. Stop it.”

“I’m not babying you,” Spencer said. “I’m concerned about you. You just came back from a traumatic experience, and I just…don’t think you should be left alone right now.”

“So what, you don’t think I can handle myself?” You turned to face him, livid under the glow of the overhead light. “Because I have plenty of scars now to prove I can. I’m a survivor, Reid. I think I can walk myself up a few stupid stairs and unlock my apartment door without supervision. Did Hotch put you up to this? Wanted to make sure I was ready to be back in the field?”

“What? No! Of course Hotch didn’t put me up to this. He would never do that. He respects you and believes you’re more than capable of doing this job.”

“Then what? Who’s telling you to do this?” You took a step closer, getting in his face.

“No one! I’m doing this because I care about you, Y/N, and when you were taken it was one of the worst moments in my life. I’d never been that afraid of anything before, not even when I was kidnapped. And I just kept thinking how scared you must have been, how alone you must have felt, and I…I don’t want you to feel that way now. I don’t want you to feel alone. No one is making me do this. No one is watching you, waiting for you to breakdown. It’s just me, Y/N. It’s just us.”

You wanted to melt into the way he said us. Wanted to tell him everything, wanted to let him count your scars and tell him you were afraid, you were alone. You wished that you could.

“Well thank you for your concern, but I don’t need it. Everything is fine. I’m fine. We’re…we’re fine.”

It was the last words that gave you away. The tremble in we, the unsureness.

“Why won’t you let me in? Why can’t you let your guard down. Take all of this composure and just…lose it a little?” Sweet brown eyes snuck their way in, securing themselves around your heart.

All day, you had been trying so hard to keep it together. To put on a mask and pretend that everything was fine, because that was what you needed everyone to think. You needed all of them to see you as competent and capable and someone they could look up to and respect and love, but it was just…it was just so much pressure, all the time, and normally you could handle it but now? Now it was too much, all of it all too much.

“Do you know why I can’t just lose it? I can’t fall apart because people are watching and it doesn’t matter to them what happened to me. Nobody cares about anything but right now and right now what I know is that they take your pain and they turn it into a joke. Because that’s what people do Spencer. That’s what people do when they don’t like you. When you get hurt, that’s funny. When something terrible happens to you, it doesn’t matter how bad it is, you deserved it. Gosh, can’t you understand that? Don’t you get it? It’s not just that I don’t want people seeing me hurt, it’s that I can’t let them. Because you know what hunters do when they see a wounded animal? They kill it. And I’m…I’m…” You choked.

You choked on all of it. Not just the words, but the fear, the horror, the overwhelming gut-wrenching spiraling episode you were falling into. You didn’t understand what was happening to you anymore. You just knew it hurt. It hurt so bad.

“Look at me.” Spencer spoke softly, not daring to touch you. “It’s okay. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel it. You don’t have to stop.”

“I can’t…I can’t…”

You couldn’t stop the tears from coming down your face, the tight ache in your chest, all of these feelings catching up to you like you never could have imagined before this.

“He hurt you. He hurt you very badly. Nobody expects you to just bounce back from that. Nobody needs you to be okay right now. It is not your job to be okay.”

You fell into him. Collapsed into his body that caught you like he had been waiting, like he knew this would happen, like he knew you better than you knew yourself. Knew your body, knew your pain, knew your heart, and was holding it all together, even raw and bleeding and naked as it was.

And you let go.

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”

-Lois Lowry

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[illkickyourbass]

henlo. have an expanded Shining Quest AU.

to release some steam from my kettle of stress, have some noodling about a Shining Quest AU that’s less April Fool’s, more high-stakes high-fantasy, but still every bit as tropey, stuffed with otome trappings, and Yay Music as we’ve come to expect from Utapri 

As with the last venture into this AU: not explicitly romantic, non-gendered MC, SFW, and mild CW for arranged marriages. I don’t know HEAVENS (plus they didn’t get canon classes for Shining Quest), so we’ll just be covering STARISH and Quartet Night! 

It’s a fairly typical setup -- there’s a fantasy kingdom, there’s a useless king, there’s a princess (Haruka) known for her talent for music composition, there’s a court of nobles and royals, all that usual hey. Magic is cast by mastery of the arts, whether that be visual, performing, musical, written, you name it. 

There’s a looming threat of some sort of demon king or similar fantasy anime bullshit that the royals and nobles of the kingdom are tasked with keeping at bay. We’re also gonna shamelessly borrow a detail from the pinnacle of wasted potential, the movie Rock and Rule -- there’s a plot point about how a demon can only be forced back with “the magic of one voice, one heart, one song....but there is no one.” Here in this ‘verse, that’s a longstanding prophecy the status quo has taken to mean there’s no-one who’ll ever be able to defeat the demon king. 

The solution that’s been in place for as long as anyone can remember is a royal or noble family offers one of their heirs as a sacrifice to be married off and sate the demon king for that generation-- the “devil’s bride” or “devil’s groom” or “devil’s betrothed.” This goes pretty badly for the heirs, of course, but it offers great prestige to the house that does it. 

You, the player, would get to pick what RPG class you fill (which would affect some dialogue trees and the expertise you demonstrate) and what art you use to cast magic. You are a member of the royal guard tasked with Haruka’s protection, but you’ve stumbled into the knowledge before it goes public: she’s the next devil’s bride! You go to Tomochika, a hired hand to the royals who’s been dating Haru in secret, and you begin to hatch a plan to bust Haruka out of the arrangement. 

Your route’s then determined by which of the boys you seek out as your other co-conspirator. 

Otoya is a fellow member the Royal Guard on Haruka protection detail. He’s equally resented and well-liked for his dauntless optimism and natural talent with swordsmanship, but it’s no secret that he’s not someone you’ll be trusting for expert strategy. He’s had the chance to become friendly with Haruka, and he’s ready to fight tooth and nail for her freedom! He’s classed as a warrior, who casts light-element attacks and healing spells with his music. 

Masato was raised from birth to become an ideal Devil’s Groom, since the Hijirikawa nobles are falling out of favor in the courts (spurred in part from their takedown of the Kurosakis backfiring on them). But Masato has rejected that he (or Mai) will ever go along with that plan, instead intently training in swordsmanship and fusing music and fiber arts to make enchanted fabrics that work like armor. Quietly, he has kept a very ambitious goal in mind: outright defeat the demon king and end the legacy of the devil’s betrothed. 

Natsuki is a natural genius at using both his voice and viola to communicate with creatures and summoning the cutest ones to absolutely wreck house. Though a humble farmboy who’s kind of out-of-touch with the political goings-on of his land, his talent was too great to go unnoticed forever, and he was invited to live among the high court as an entertainer and summoner. He got to make so many new friends (like the princess and you!) and better provide for his family, so he’s thankful every day for the change, even if he misses his animal friends at home! 

Tokiya came from a humble family that wanted to lead a quiet life, but Tokiya himself had ambitions that far outpace that. Though not a natural talent, he put unimaginable sweat into a field that creates potent spells and tools by the power of song. Eventually becoming estranged from his whole family, Tokiya finds it all worthwhile after struggling his way into being hired by the royals. Much of the court thinks of him as a weird mad scientist who sings to his books, but he’s found fast friends he’d go to the ends of the earth for, like Masato, the princess, and you! 

Ren is the inverse of Masato in his circumstance. Like the Hijirikawa noble family, the Jinguujis helped orchestrate the fall of the Kurosaki nobles, but the blowback had them falling out of favor instead of rising in power. Ren was planned to be offered as a Devil’s Groom to restore some clout, but instead of being intently groomed, he was left to do whatever he wanted since he’s got such a foregone future. So Ren becomes a carefree playboy, eventually taking his talent for alchemy and becoming a for-hire adventurer to sate his boredom. He tells everyone his saxophone is his secret to brewing his one-of-a-kind love potions, but he’s actually devised some uniquely remarkable revival and buffing potions.

Syo comes from the same backwoods as Natsuki, but took less interest in working for the courts and instead trying to find a career emulating his childhood hero that kept his body’s limits in mind. But his twin left to pursue medical schooling, and eventually, between loneliness, worry, and the promise that the musical magic and medicine in the courts could help him safely push his limits, he follows Natsuki into the belly of the royals and nobles. His small stature and commitment to the movement arts made him a natural rogue, and he’s technically part of the Royal Guard’s special ops. But Syo’s brashness and burning spirit tends to best serve motivating the people around him -- what few spells he prefers to cast with his violin-playing are all buffs that lift the spirit and energize the body.  

Cecil came to this land on essentially a study abroad program and came to love the friends he made so much he stuck around! A wildly talented sorcerer able to cast even without playing his flute, Cecil is held in high esteem by the whole kingdom for the knowledge and skill he has to offer. Prone to disappearing, however, since a curse has him transforming into a cat as an occasional side effect of casting magic. He’s found this useful, though -- something injust he won’t stand for is afoot in this kingdom, and nobody suspects a little black cat of eavesdropping! 

Reiji is a court jester who loves, loves, loves nothing more than to make you smile! Much of the court takes his good cheer for granted, and even more underestimate his prowess in tough/delicate situations, but the most powerful folks know he’s just as sharp as he is goofy. When he’s not doing his job making people smile, he’s often helping or promoting his family’s pub or bugging his friends from outside the royal court. His flashy performances and maraca-shaking have been shaped into a great conduit for spells of transmutation, though he tends to use them to put on a great show more than beat ass.

Ranmaru is the eldest son of the disgraced Kurosaki nobles (whose power and legacy were ruined by the Jinguujis and Hijirikawas as per usual) but he decided to bear the brunt of the damage in wake of his father’s passing to spare the rest of his family. Shouldering massive debt, Ranmaru disappeared and re-emerged as the gambler prince of the underground, now incredibly powerful in his own right. Not-so-secretly a big softie, he’ll swindle and ruin the lives of those who take advantage of the helpless, even operating out of a pub owned by an old couple that needed some protecting from loan sharks. Ranmaru wears special runed gloves that store mana when he plays his bass, letting him cast a set number of fire evocation spells before his next recharge. 

Ai lives in woods on the outskirts of the city. Most regard him as a hermit, but a couple know that Ai is actually a homunculus that has been refining his understanding and performance of humanity and needs frequent breaks to “recharge.” Nominally a ranger, Ai’s skills lie in his powerful patience and observation moreso than his bow and arrow, though he and Reiji have an arrangement where he helps hunt and forage ingredients for the Kotobuki pub. Ai is beginning to grasp his own unique sense of humanity and is ready to take grander action to realize it. He fights with arrows of a special alloy that react to an instrument at home; they are tempered by the sound and blessed by the wind to never miss their target should the wielder be skilled enough. 

Camus is an assassin that lives in shadow. Nobody’s quite sure of his intentions or allegiances, but the few times someone does see him in the open, he’s as haughty and demanding as ever. Rumor has it that he lives in the royal castle -- certainly, their enormously increased sweets output would imply such, and it’s well-known in the castle that unexplained cello music is usually his doing -- but he’s such an evanescent and terrifying presence nobody’s quite sure (and is too scared to ask). His assassinations are almost impossible to track, as his blades of ice melt, disappear, and leave no trail to follow. 

Typical route stuff goes as you’d expect -- you progress the plot, you get closer to your chosen boy, some political intrigue things probably happen, some heart-racing events etc. etc., and before you know it the two of you are very close and realize that your arts cast wildly powerful magic when put together. Slowly, you gather more friends (a selection of the other boys + Haru and Tomo) and find that together, your work amplifies in power to unprecedented degrees. It’ll vary from route to route how you get there, but eventually, you all come to the same conclusion: it’s time to kick some demon king ass. And you do! 

The ends vary from angsty (like the player or the chosen boy is mortally wounded or dies) or fairytale fluffy (go off and spend a happy life together) or something more power fantasy-feeling (like you and chosen boy revolutionize the whole kingdom for the better in wake of the demon king’s defeat), etc. -- but no matter what you know that your art + your boy + the power of friendship kicked more ass than anything Shining Kingdom has ever seen! 

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[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Do you have any recommendations about using progestin-only birth control to stop shark week pre-t? Does this work? Will a guy get feminizing side-effects from using hormonal birth control?

Lee says:

The progestin/estrogen combination-pill is usually the go-to for stopping your period, but I have heard of people using Norethindrone which is progestin-only to stop periods. With progestin-only pills, it’s super important that you take your pills at exactly the same time every day, and if you don’t then there’s a chance that your period might come back.

I’ve also heard of people using Seasonique (a combo pill) instead of Norethindrone, so it’s worth discussing which type is best for you since there is more than one option!

But it’s established that you can use continuous contraception to stop your period safely, and Planned Parenthood says you can safely stop your period with it.

I have heard of estrogen/progestin combos also working and they shouldn’t cause feminizing effects, but your results may vary.

“The FDA approved the first no-period pill (brand name Lybrel) in 2007. And, yes, this new pill is safe. It isn’t that different from other low-dose birth control pills that use estrogen and progestin to stop ovulation. Instead of taking four to seven days of placebo pills, however, people take Lybrel continuously, with no breaks and no period. Seasonale, another extended-use oral contraceptive, limits menstrual cycles to four per year. The FDA approved Lybrel based on two clinical trials, each lasting one year, of more than 2,400 women ages 18 to 49. The trials showed Lybrel to be a safe and effective contraceptive when used as directed.” (X)

Basically, yes, it’s possible to stop your period with birth control! You may have to try more than one thing if the first one doesn’t work for you, but it’s something you and your doctor should be able to work out. If your primary care physician doesn’t want to work with you with this for any reason, you can try a Planned Parenthood- they tend to be pretty good with this stuff.

From the NY Times: For the Teen Who No Longer Wants a Period …

I’ll collect other mod answers and follower responses from similar asks about stopping periods below for ya:

Kii says:

Estrogen-based birth control isn’t “feminizing.” If you’re AFAB and not intersex, you already have enough estrogen in your body that birth control can’t really feminize your body anymore.

You’ll have to decide for yourself if stopping your period alleviates more dysphoria than taking birth control gives you. Most people see very few physical changes when they take birth control, so it won’t make you “more feminine.”

Plus, estrogen and progesterone are not “female hormones” because everyone has them in their bodies, not just females.

Unless you have a method of birth control that’s especially designed to stop periods, your periods will not stop. There are many different types of period-stopping birth control, so your best bet is to ask your doctor or pharmacist what to expect.

You should always take prescription medication as directed by your doctor. If you want continuous cycle birth control, get a prescription for that instead, but don’t skip pills in your current prescription.

Once you’ve had your first period, you can be on birth control! My doctor once told me, “If you’re old enough to have periods, you’re old enough to be on birth control.” so I would say no, there’s no minimum age to starting birth control. For me personally, it has helped me a ton and I’m very happy that I started taking it.

Addressing a possible concern that wasn’t mentioned- I was on multiple types of birth control prescribed by multiple different doctors, and no one required me to get a gynecological exam until I turned 18. Generally, unless you’re having problems with your bits, you don’t need gynecological exams until you turn 18 or become sexually active. Here’s our big gynecology post!

Also, IUDs do not stop periods for everyone, but that’s definitely something you can try.

Kai says:

I got a hormonal IUD, which will stop my periods.

(tmi ahead)

There’s no feeling/sensation that I would know anything is in there unless I literally inserted my fingers to feel for it, and even then, the strings soften over time. I had some mild cramping and discomfort for 2 days after insertion, but took over the counter ibuprofen and have not felt anything at all since. I’m pretty sure most people, if inserted correctly, won’t be able to feel their IUDs on a daily basis unless something is going weird or they’re very very sensitive.

They would need to have the strings there so that you can tell if it’s either been dislodged or fallen out, or else you wouldn’t know and could potentially not be protected against pregnancy. Definitely talk to your doctor about it. You can also get daily birth control pills, but you will have to take those every day at around the same time, and also that’s not a localized hormone so there may be other effects you may not like, but definitely talk to your doctor about it.

Speaking of, there’s a post-IUD survey here (not affiliated with us) about people who had/have IUDs.

Archer says:

So, before starting testosterone I started on progesterone only birth control and it completely stopped my monthly occurrence. In fact I’d had issues with every other birth control method I’d tried and this one, with no added estrogen, stopped it all together. On top of that, my doctor even told me to continue taking the pill up until about three months on T so I wouldn’t have to deal with my period at all hopefully.

Ren says:

To my knowledge, most long-term birth control methods (the pill, shots, IUDs, etc) don’t cause breast growth, although some will make you more ‘feminine’. But the amount of estrogen in BC usually isn’t enough to cause any noticeable effects. Maybe some boop tenderness, but it’s not enough to, like, cause boop growth.

Phoenix says:

There are lots of non-hormonal birth control options available- you just have to tell your doctor/nurse that you would prefer a non-hormonal method and they can give you more information.

Even non-hormonal birth control can help with cramps and stuff. And honestly, even if you have to use a hormonal method, it isn’t a huge amount of estrogen added to your body. I would look into non-hormonal methods first, though. Best of luck!

Emery says:

Different types of birth control affect different bodies differently. Some birth controls are estrogen and progesterone, some are just progesterone, and some are non-hormonal. 

Side effects of birth control that could be considered “feminizing” include weight gain (including in the breasts), breast tenderness, and potentially bleeding/spotting between periods. Birth control shouldn’t significantly affect your body size/shape though.

Implant birth control is usually a good method. They last for about three years typically, and I haven’t heard any horror stories about them. The implantation is relatively painless and pretty quick, and after a day or two you basically don’t notice it anymore. Then a few years later, it’s removed, and that process is also pretty quick and pretty painless. They have no serious side effects that I’m aware of, but you should consult with your doctor about whether it’s a good option for you. 

As far as HRT goes, you would probably want to remove your implant before starting testosterone, but there shouldn’t be any complications from having had the implant previously, taking it out, and then taking T. Again, though, always talk to your doctor. None of us here have medical degrees. 

You can use BC to have a period once a month, once every three months, once a year, or even once every three years, I think. Discuss with your doctor the best options for you and your body. Also consider visiting a sliding-scale Planned Parenthood for doctor’s feedback and cheap and/or free birth control of many varieties.

Fox says:

Extra estrogen in the body for DFAB individuals actually mimics pregnancy. Generally, the most it does is keep your skin clearer and hair shinier, perhaps similar minor changes. There shouldn’t be any huge changes, depending on the kind you use– but some individuals get bigger chests or hips from it, and that’s something to consider if you experience gender dysphoria. But if you’ve been on it for awhile and haven’t noticed those changes, you should be okay! I’ve been on BC for the same reason for years, and my hips and breasts are on the smaller side of average, so it isn’t an issue for everyone.

Tyler says:

I have Nexplanon, if people have questions about that then they can send an ask.

Autumn Says:

One of your fears is having more estrogen in your body. That is completely valid. But there is a cool fact about estrogen that might put you to ease. If your body has excess estrogen, it actually converts it into testosterone. I don’t know if that will help at all, but it might.

danny says:

birth control, depending on the method, can cause your body to retain water more easily. this means that regardless of your age, it can make your breasts grow. it really depends which method you are using, though. this also means that you will gain weight elsewhere too. when i was on birth control i noticed it made my hips and thighs a lot bigger, and didnt effect my breasts that much, however, it may be different for you!

Harper says:

Yes, one concern that some folks have is weight gain. But most forms of birth control do not cause weight gain:

https://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/contraception-guide/Pages/which-method-suits-me.aspx

The narrative about The Pill being linked to weight gain is based on dubious evidence:

https://www.nhs.uk/news/medication/does-the-pill-really-cause-weight-gain/

What looks like you’re gaining weight can be from water retention. it usually settles down after a few months, and will definitely go away if/when you end up going off the pill. That said if you are concerned I’d say speak to your GP if you can and also consider a the variety of birth control that has the desired effect.

Jay says:

According to this, certain types of hormonal birth control may slightly increase the risk of breast cancer. (Warning at the link for cissexist language). This page states that high-estrogen BC slightly increases your risk, but low-estrogen BC does not. Low-estrogen is the type most people use. This page says nothing about progesterone-only BC (that I saw), so it most likely does not pose a risk either. If you did get breast cancer (which is very unlikely), you could have a mastectomy (it’s actually part of the treatment). A mastectomy for cancer is actually quite different from top surgery. Top surgery removes about 95% of the tissue in and around the chest to create a “male” contour while a mastectomy for cancer removes as close to 100% of the tissue.

Followers, any personal experiences with birth control to add?

Followers say:

shmannah said: For those who cannot/prefer not to introduce outside hormones, paraguard is the only hormone-free BC that I’ve found my research (although it can affect the hormones your body naturally produces). Nexplanon is a hormone releasing implant! Just FYI.

lilulak said: Also depo-provera. Progesterone only, injection every 3 months.

timefrozen-waterstreams said: I hope its okay to say this, but please don’t take the needle variant, if you plan to stop your period with it. I did it and it kinda messed me up? I had my period for 2 whole months and even after it stopped, it won’t come normally and its longer than before. Many peoples body got messed up because of it, most will tell you not to take it. I think the name was “depo-provera”, but I’m not sure.

anon said: for anyone wanting to start the depo shot - it may make you bleed for the first 3 months youre on it due to the thinning of your uterus’ lining but i got my second shot on tuesday and my bleeding has almost stopped entirely! even so, you should talk to an obgyn if you experience this bc it could also be something more serious. its a pretty common side effect and it terrified me because they didnt tell me about it so figured id inform!

sfodijnvwipejrnfgworijnhgfrijfn said: i’m a trans dude and i’m on a depo provera shot (basically progesterone) and i haven’t had a period in years. it’s amazing. also you can continue to take it for birth control after you’re on t if you eventually do decide to go on hormones!

anon said: I’m on depo prevera and it completely stopped my periods. It’s just a shot you get every three months (unless you’re like me and I now get it every 10 weeks because I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). It does have some side effects but it could help those who struggle with dysphoria since it can stop periods. :)

anon said: about depo-provera!!! its great if its the right hormone combo for you, but when i talked to my gp about it he suggested taking a pill form birth control for a few months that’s the same sorta composition as depo so you can see how you react to it. some birth controls can lead to like. nausea and depression etc if it’s the wrong composition, so its better to test it out before you put it in for three months!

anon said: trying a different version (?) of depo first to see if the chemical composition works for you is a good idea. i had a really weird experience w/ depo, it messed with my mental state for about a week after i took it. & it only stopped my period for a month or two, then it just made it rlly irregular for a while. everything is back to normal now but i wish i could have tried a version that didn’t last as long.

rammyrue said: It’s worth noting that a few of these options (possibly all, I haven’t tried Seasonale) can mess up your libido but it won’t necessarily be mentioned by your doctor or in the Choose Which Is Best For You type pamphlet (but will in the paperwork with the pills.) I’d say that info is more than just a ‘nice to know’ if getting the 3-monthly injections and don’t get a side effects list. These medications can also make you put on or struggle to lose weight, which can sting if dysphoric about hip size. Oh, and also birth control meds in general can be horrible for your mental health. You might need to try a few different options until you find what works for you :)

anon said: I briefly went on birth control for really painful periods and dysphoria, and i ended up having a nervous breakdown. for any one with mental illnesses who’s considering going on birth control for whatever reason, make sure you talk to your doctor about any and all side effects!!! because stopping periods was not worth the severe depression and panic attacks in my opinion and my doctor never warned me

knifegoth said: I use it, it stops shark week but my chest grew, then again I’m still a teen so it might have just been me

rosemarionttyler said: My sister takes birth control (she takes them so she won’t get her shark week) and she hasn’t had any breast growth

theeightandtheone said: I’ve been on almost a year and my experience is they didn’t grow on their own but when I gained weight it went straight to my chest which is :/ but I recognize that if I lose the weight it should stop

anon said: I’ve been on birth control for awhile and it actually didn’t change my body at all! No more acne. I can skip shark week whenever now! It’s made me more accepting of my non binary identity. But it’s diff for every1

alexisthegayestofgayboys said: it didn’t always stop the bleeding i did this and i bled for 3 months straight

schizo-fractured said: I use nuvaring which stopped my period completely- and you only have to change it once a month so you don’t have to think about it that much, if that helps.

patmolandcornedrue said: i got a prescription for the patch from my family doctor without seeing a gyno, but she did a breast exam, so you should be prepared for that to possibly happen

anon said: to the person wondering about the birth control patch, i have found it to work really well. i have had no side effects, and it makes my periods shorter and less emotionally taxing. i highly recommend it for people like me who have issues with pills because it doesn’t have some of the harsher side effects assosciated with other non-pill birth control methods

xfelvesandmen said: You can also get an IUD for terrible pain since it generally stops periods, I’ve personally found it has fewer side effects that emphasize areas id rather ignore (breast tenderness, etc) than pills but it’s different for everyone

anon said: having and IUD put in is really quick once you’re in for the procedure. However, getting it put in hurts A LOT if you don’t get numbing stuff/pain meds (I’ve fallen asleep getting tattoos and I almost fainted during this), and outcomes vary a lot. Instead of making my period shorter it just made it last a lot longer but each day was lighter. There is a type of pill where you don’t have to have your period more than 3 times a year. I’d ask your doctor about your options and tell them what you want from it.

narrito said: When I was put on birth control when I was 12 or so, they didn’t do a pap smear or anything like that (because I was 12) and hell, they didn’t even do one when I was 16 and given an IUD. (Mostly because both times I could honestly answer no to if I was sexually active or not). So you may have to see a gyno, but you probably won’t have any sort of uncomfortable experience beyond having to answer weird questions with an adult around.

iteraltortoise said: Be aware tho anon some people w iuds end up w complications bc of them

madrigalfan1 said: my mother, aunt, and other people my mom knows have tried the mirena and have experienced really negative side effects like having it cause severe pain from piercing into other body parts bc it moved and being extremely difficult to remove bc of tht

theboychosenbythekeyblade-riku said: I’ve been using an IUD for close to 3 years and I have found that it doesn’t cause breast growth.

sleepyanimal said: Mirena is an IUD that releases progesterone and can be used with testosterone if you are thinking of eventually going on it?? I know this because this is why I chose this birth control method– but yeah it does stop/lessen periods and is a really effective birth control method

tigerqueer said: I second the mirena- it completely stopped shark week for me! Best of luck!

narrito said: I also have the mirena, the only downside is it is vaginally inserted, so it can get kinda uncomfortable. It does take 6+ months to stop your period, but some of the PMS can linger even after that like cramping and all that.

heyhosers said: I’m on Mirena which is an implanted birth control that ONLY relies on progesterone, NOT estrogen, so I’ve heard (not 100% positive) that you can be on it and T together. Anyhow, whether you’re on t or not, I HIGHLY recommend it. It makes most people’s periods stop, so it alleviates that dysphoria for me and it also doesn’t mess with my emotions!! Feel free to talk to me abt it ~

demiiboy said: Progesterone based (ie implant, depoprevera) is okay too, according to my pp. I’ve been on depo for 4 years and testosterone for 5months. No affect on the speed of my physical transition

demiiboy said: Progesterone based birth control (depo preva) is your friend. Has no feminizing effects

socollectioncyclesblog said: Progesterone is an androgen! I’m on continuous progesterone to stop my shark week axtually and it xan make you look a litttle more masxuline in some xases

magicalfairyprince said: Just get the depo shot. Thats what I did. You get it every 3 months and its one of the only forms of birth control that doesnt contain estrogen as well! 

anon said: Just wanted to say that I’m on T but I also take a birth control pill. Its a progestogen only pill so I get no oestrogen from it. The good thing about this birth control pill is it stops your monthly stuff, or at least it did for me, so for about 2 years before I started T I never got my period which was great. For some it might be embarrassing to go to the pharmacy to get it but no one has ever raised an eyebrow. Just thought I’d share for people who are interested.

we-came-as-times-new-romans said: Estrogen based birth control and T may affect each other slightly, and you should probably not plan to be on estrogenic BC forever if starting T, but it’s ok

thelaner said: if it adds estrogen to your body in a consistent way, your body should make less estrogen of its own and it really shouldn’t change your hormones that much other than stabilize the hormone cycle

i-am-nathaniel said: I used to use birth control for my periods but the extra estrogen in my system kinda wrecked me mentally. Testosterone will stop your periods altogether if you can get on it.

soldierslightwillforeverburn: Basically from what I know the only one that won’t counteract/will be safe on T is a copper IUD.

toryinnismoved said: ive taken norethindrone and depo provera before and didnt notice any real weight gain on either (compared to gaining quite a bit upon starting T)

palethsharkstudent said: I take Norethindrone and it’s awesome!! completely stops menstruation without any physical changes estrogen-based pills would cause!!

httpcaden said: I took Norenthindrone which is an estrogen free birth control but I do NOT recommend taking it because it gave me 2-3 cycles per month and they were extremely painful and dysphoria inducing so. That’s one i don’t recommend, so if someone mentions it to you be hesitant about going on it. But Depo provara is an injection that - hormonally - is incredibly similar to testosterone and halts the cycle all together with very limited side effects

anon said:  i took norethindrone before i took the depo provera. it worked fine (i still bled but even now i still bleed after a year on T and two years on the depo so thats more of a me thing, i think?) but my issue with it was that i had to take it twice a day and if i missed doses frequently my period would hit me Hard (w/ all the lovely cramps and gastro trouble) so if you dont have issues with remembering to take medicine every day it should be fine, but i recommend the depo provera

radical-boy said: Someone I know says the shots stopped her period completely so you could ask about that

crystal-jem said: I’m on the depo shot and have been for about a year, and its awesome. I don’t have a period or cramps at all, and mine were so severe they would make me throw up. Its a shot every three months on your butt cheek, and if you want to do it yourself you can even ask for a needle and syringe with your prescription

Lukas said: If there are any trans guys out there who are looking into BC pills as a way to control or manage their monthly “shark week” but aren’t sure what to use, I would personally recommend Seasonique. Seasonique comes in 3 month packs, which means you get your period only 4 times a year. It also means fewer (and possibly embarrassing) trips to the pharmacy. If you do experience spotting, you can talk to your gyno about adjusting your schedule. I have been using it for about a year and have experienced only minor spotting, my chest did not grow at all, I’ve not had any changes in sex drive or had any changes in weight or mood. While it might not be right for everyone, I know many people who’ve been very satisfied with it; again, it’s something to work out between you and your doctor/gyno.

tangible-crisis said: Cryselle has been really helpful for me. It’s a very small amount of hormones so there is not many feminizing effects. It worked great for me

anon said: I take cryselle (a 28 day pill) for 9 weeks instead of 3 and then take one placebo week! This was prescribed to me as I wanted fewer periods for blood loss reasons. I had tried a pill specifically made to be taken for 9 weeks but the dosage was too low so that’s why I take mine like I do! I can’t say there are any different side effects than the ones I already noticed taking it normally

anon said: i’m a pre-t trans boy on birth control and it hasn’t changed anything about me except made me healthier and more able to do things when i’m menstruating! the chemicals in birth control (well the ones in mine anyway) are actually the same ones used in oestrogen blockers, so you’ve got nothing to worry about!

anon said: I’ve been on birth control, and although it affects everyone differently, I can offer some advice. LoLoestrin FE has been really good for me. I’ve had heavy periods too and it fixed that. Ashlyna, the three month stuff, made my boobs grow though

anon said: The birth control I take is called LoLoestrin. It has really low doses of estrogen and progesterone, and hasn’t given me any side effects while being really effective at managing my period and cramps. I recommend it for afabs who want to use BC!

space-boy-3000 said: This worked well for me for a while but the low dose may not be enough for you, I had to switch to a higher dose because it didn’t have any effect

courteous-lamp said: I take LoLoestrin too and I had side effects. I got a lot of acne and unpredictable mood swings. I’m generally extremely sensitive to medication though

chaeslife said: there’s this one implant that they can put in your arm called Nexplanon that can lighten your period and for most people it will stop completely.

pimptier said: Get the stick! I’ve had my nexplanon stick for a year and it completely rids me of my period and almost all of its symptoms!! Plus there isn’t a pill you have to take every day (mines good up to 3 years but I’ve heard of some good up to five!)

anon said: I’m a cis girl and I got the nexplanon implant. It can stay in your arm for 3 years. After the bruise goes away you hardly notice it’s there. (For most people) it stops your period. It’s great if you can’t remember to take pills.

superbananatime said: My doctor gave me these pills I would take only when I get my period! It makes it not as heavy flow and usually I have like 10 day periods also but it was like seemed like 5 days.

frogprincesstsuyu said: I’m not sure what your pills look like, but if there’s a 4th row of different colored pills (they may be reddish brown, yellow, or another color, or you may only have 3 rows) then you skip that row and immediately start the next pack. This means you pick your pills up one week earlier. The 4th row is placebo pills that don’t contain hormones, so you get withdrawal bleeding. If you skip the placebo pills, then you won’t have the withdrawal bleeding/ “period”.

pageollie said: my best friend takes tri-montly birth control and just skips the week where the pills are just placebos. they’re transmasc and their period causes extreme dysphoria as well as physical pain/issues. they have their period every 6 months I believe?

we-came-as-times-new-romans said: There is a 3-month cycle pill. Please don’t misuse a 1-month prescription without talking to a doctor about it.

physicsmagics: Yeah, some people take the active pills for the entire month instead of taking the sugar pills for a week out of the month, which is what causes you to get your period. It depends on why you’re on the pill. My dr wanted me to do that for 90 days due to painful periods

anon said:  I’m on a progesterone-only pill called Desogestrel, and for me it’s been great because: A) it has completely stopped my menstruation B) there’s a 12-hour window for taking it each day, so it’s still effective even when you forget to take it at the usual time (great for my ADHD self) and C) I’ve had no noticeable side effects at all for the whole 2 years I’ve been on it. Not started T yet, but multiple doctors have said the pill should still be effective once I do. :)

anon said: For ppl in the UK I just went to my GP and said “my period is giving me awful gender dysphoria can you prescribe me something to stop it?” and she just gave me a choice of 2, discussed the difference and gave me a prescription for the one I chose! No touching or further explaining was needed :)

anon said: Some doctors will refuse to use continuous birth control to stop your periods. If you get one like this, ask about Seasonale or another similar birth control. It doesn’t stop your periods completely, but it makes it happen every three months.

anon said: In my experience ( and those I know of who also take it) it doesn’t make your body more feminine! You can skip it for ~2 months, shorten the time span & how heavy it is, and virtually no cramps, headaches, other icky stuff.

anon said: My doctor put me on Jolivette, which is a non-estrogen birth control pill. (I wasn’t out, but estrogen birth controls can cause blood clots and my family has a bad history with those kinds of things) It doesn’t make the cramps go away 100% but it helps a LOT (before, I was missing school two days at a time because I would sometimes black out)

sanguis-ripam said: You should def stay in check with blood work to watch your hormone levels, and like if one doesn’t work for you because of mood or physical shit tell your doc. A lot of AFAB people have to experiment with which birth control is best.

trans-chat said: Liam says: I was on birth control for a while and the only thing it did was lower my sex drive and control my periods a bit. You probably won’t gain weight in any way unless you’re on something really strong. Another mod, Lukas, has been on birth control for a while and hasn’t noticed anything other than a lower sex drive, less acne, and a slightly lighter period. I would give it a try and if you don’t like it switch. There are shots you can get every three months that completely stop your period so maybe talk to your doctor about that.

[mitchbeck]

CANTLON'S CORNER: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...BUT STILL THE SAME

BY: Gerry Cantlon, Howlings HARTFORD, CT - Game on! Well, sort of. On Tuesday afternoon, NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman announced the outline of a plan to "Return-To-Play" that was agreed to between the players, and the league with the final details still being worked on. On March 12, 2020, the NHL paused its season over coronavirus concerns. The league played 85 percent of its 2019-20 regular-season schedule (1,082 of 1,271 games) which began in early October. “At the pause, we committed to resuming play only when it was appropriate and prudent,” Bettman said. “We are hopeful the 'Return-To-Play' plan will allow us to complete the season and award the Stanley Cup in a manner in which the health and safety of our players, on-ice officials, team staff, and associated individuals involved are paramount. Accordingly, an essential component of the Plan is a rigorous, regular schedule of testing. “On the hockey side, the 'Return-To-Play' format reflects the league’s extraordinary competitive balance while honoring the tradition and integrity of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. “The 'Return-To-Play' plan is the result of weeks of constructive dialogue with the National Hockey League Players’ Association and we are grateful for their cooperation. We also thank our consulting health experts and the local, regional, and national authorities who are helping steer us through a complex set of issues.” Here is the framework of the 'Return-To-Play'; Regular Season The 2019-20 regular season has been declared concluded through games of March 11. The 189 games originally scheduled from March 12 – April 4 will not be played. 24 teams will resume play: those teams consist of the top 12 in each Conference on the basis of points percentage as of the games played on March 11. Timeline Since the League’s pause on March 12, the League has been in Phase 1 with teams having been instructed to self-isolate as much as possible. Phase 2 – Early June In early June, it is expected that teams will be permitted to return to home facilities for small groups, voluntary, as well as on-and-off-ice training. Phase 3 – Not Earlier than First Half of July It will not begin any earlier than the first half of July when formal training camps will begin after guidance from medical and civil authorities. Phase 4 – Timing TBD 24 teams in 2 “hub” cities will compete in Seeding Round Robins, a Qualifying Round, and a conference-based Stanley Cup Playoffs. The 2 “hub” cities will be selected from the following: - Chicago, IL - Columbus, OH - Dallas, TX - Edmonton, AB - Las Vegas, NV - Los Angeles, CA - Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN - Pittsburgh, PA - Toronto, ON - Vancouver, BC Each Conference will be assigned a “hub” city with secure hotels, arena, practice facilities, and in-market transportation. Teams will be limited to 50 personnel in the “hub” city with only a small number of support staff permitted to enter the event areas. Timing and sites will be determined at a future date and will be dependent on COVID-19 conditions, testing ability, and government regulations. Competitive Format In each Conference, teams were seeded based on points percentage. Round Robin: The top 4 teams will play for First Round seeding (regular-season overtime rules in effect). Qualifying Round: The remaining 8 teams will play a Best-of-5 series to advance to the First Round (playoff overtime rules in effect) First Round and Second Round: Format (seeding vs. bracket) and series lengths have yet to be determined. Conference Finals and Stanley Cup Final: Best-of-7 series The winners from the Qualifying Round play the top 4 seeds in the First Round. Individual First Round series matchups remain to be determined. City 1 Team Conf. Rank P% Boston Bruins: .714 Tampa Bay Lightning: .657 Washington Capitals: .652 Philadelphia Flyers: .645 Pittsburgh Penguins: .623 Carolina Hurricanes: .596 New York Islanders: .588 Toronto Maple Leafs: .579 Columbus Blue Jackets: .579 Florida Panthers: .565 New York Rangers: .564 Montreal Canadiens: .500 City 1 – Round Robin for Seeding in First Round Boston Bruins Tampa Bay Lightning Washington Capitals Philadelphia Flyers City 1 – Best-of-5 Qualifying Round #5 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #12 Montreal Canadiens #6 Carolina Hurricanes vs. #11 New York Rangers #7 New York Islanders vs. #10 Florida Panthers #8 Toronto Maple Leafs vs. #9 Columbus Blue Jackets City 2 Team Conf. Rank P% St. Louis Blues: .662 Colorado Avalanche: .657 Vegas Golden Knights: .606 Dallas Stars: .594 Edmonton Oilers: .585 Nashville Predators: .565 Vancouver Canucks: .565 Calgary Flames: .564 Winnipeg Jets: .563 Minnesota Wild: .558 Arizona Coyotes: .529 Chicago Blackhawks: .514 City 2 – Round Robin for Seeding in First Round St. Louis Blues Colorado Avalanche Vegas Golden Knights Dallas Stars City 2 – Best-of-5 Qualifying Round #5 Edmonton Oilers vs. #12 Chicago Blackhawks #6 Nashville Predators vs. #11 Arizona Coyotes #7 Vancouver Canucks vs. #10 Minnesota Wild #8 Calgary Flames vs. #9 Winnipeg Jets NHL Draft The NHL also announced the Draft Lottery system will be held after the conclusion of the Stanley Cup expanded playoff version. PLAYER MOVEMENT UCONN suffered a big loss to their offense for the upcoming hockey season. Ruslan Iskharov, a 2018 Second-Round pick (43rd overall) by the New York Islanders signed a one-year deal to play in Europe with TPS Turku (Finland-FEL). Last season as a sophomore with the Huskies, Iskharov scored nine goals and had 21 points in 32 games, the same numbers as his Freshmen year. It’s the second consecutive year that UCONN has seen a player exit for Europe. Matej Blumel was on campus for three weeks and never played a minute. The Edmonton Oilers draft pick signed a pro deal with HC Litvinov (Czech Republic-CEL). Iskharov's signing makes 30 college players who have turned professional in Europe including 25 underclassmen who have left school early. Springfield’s Donald Audette signs a one-year deal with Lukko Rauma (Finland-FEL) for next year. Kelly Klima, son of former NHL’er Petr Klima, is expected to leave the AHL's Tucson Roadrunners and head back to the Czech Republic and join his twin brother Kevin on HK Hradec Kralove (Czech Republic-CEL) making 20 AHL players heading for Europe next season. 14 of the league's 31 teams have seen at least one player sign in Europe. Brock Beukeboom (Greenwich), the son of former Hartford Wolf Pack assistant coach, Jeff Beukeboom, leaves the Odense Bulldogs (Denmark-DHL) and signs a deal with the Frederikshavn White Hawks (Denmark-DHL) next season. The Bridgeport Sound Tigers should see three new faces at training camp as the parent NY Islanders signed three draft picks to entry-level contracts. They include Felix Bibeau from Chicoutimi (QMJHL) who was a 2019 sixth-round pick (178th overall) while he was with Rouyn-Noranda. Joining him will be Cole Coskey, the Islanders seventh-round pick (209th overall) in the 2019 NHL Draft. Coskey established career-highs in points (80), goals (34) and assists (46) in 62 games last season with the Saginaw Spirit of the Ontario Hockey League. Finally, Blade Jenkins, the Islanders fifth-round pick (134th overall) in the 2018 NHL Draft, scored 40 points (16 goals, 24 assists) in 47 games last season with the Saginaw Spirit of the Ontario Hockey League. The Jackson, Michigan native posted a career-high plus-12 rating in his third season with Saginaw. In 182 career OHL games, Jenkins recorded 143 points (59 goals, 84 assists). Jenkins, the Islanders fifth-round pick (134th overall) in the 2018 NHL Draft, scored 40 points (16 goals, 24 assists) in 47 games last season with the Saginaw Spirit of the Ontario Hockey League. The NAHL Danbury Jr. Hat Tricks got three player commitments in Alex Duncan (Northern Cyclones-NCDC), Hank McDonough (Selects Academy at South Kent Prep U-18), and Jason Kleinhans (Kent School-CTPREP). Three players from Alabama-Huntsville (WCHA) after the program has been terminated, have transferred to other schools. Liam Izyk (Boston College), Tanner Hickey (Arizona St.), and Josh Latta (UMASS-Lowell) who did so two weeks ago prior to the announcement. The Long Island University Sharks announced on Tuesday that the school has named Colgate Assistant Coach, Brett Riley, to lead the newly added men’s hockey program slated to start with the 2020-21 season. “We are excited that Brett is joining our Shark Nation family,” LIU athletics director Dr. William Martinov Jr. said in a statement. “He has great experience with establishing a new program. He is a fantastic recruiter, and he understands the importance of an exceptional student-athlete experience.” Coaching is a major part of Riley’s family hockey tree as three family members have been the head coach at Army West Point over the past 70 years. His grandfather, Jack, coached the Black Knights until 1986 when he was replaced by his son, Rob, Brett’s father. Rob Riley, is currently a scout for the NHL Buffalo Sabres and was replaced by his brother, Brian (Brett’s uncle), in 2004. Bill’s son, Bill Riley Jr., was the head coach at UMass Lowell (HE) from 1969 to 1991. Brett has two cousins that were involved in the college hockey game, Jack (2013-18) and Brendan (2016-20). Both played at Mercyhurst (AHA), while Jack is now an assistant coach at Manhattanville (UCHC). A native of South Hamilton, Mass., Riley graduated from Hobart College (UCHC that was in the ECAC West in those days) in 2014 with a Bachelor’s degree in history. He was a three-time ECAC West All-Academic Team selection in his four-year career with the Statesmen. ECHL There is plenty of speculation that the Montreal Canadians will be fielding an ECHL team in Trois-Rivieres (Three Rivers), Quebec. The brand new $60 million (Canadian) Colisee de Trois-Rivieres is nearing completion, but like everything else, it too has been affected by COVID-19 and it's opening will be delayed until December and not September as was initially hoped. So any team will have to start in 2021-22. The new building will have 4,390 seats and replaces the old Colisee that seated 2,700. That building was constructed in 1938 with 18 all-important corporate loge seats, two loge areas with universal access, and two VIP lounges. The Canadiens are looking to extend their brand throughout Quebec and have all their hockey ops their. They appeal to the francophone fan base and are very much interested. Their practice rink is in Brossard on the South Shore, and their AHL team is in Laval on the North Shore at Place Bell extending it so close to Quebec City 129 kilometers (80 miles) away would stamp the CH further north. The one hitch is they don’t want the ECHL's Newfoundland (St. John’s) Growlers owner Dean MacDonald involved. “The Canadiens are willing to commit to becoming the principal associate for an ECHL team franchise,” said Montreal VP of Hockey Ops and Legal Affairs, John Sedgwick in a letter to the Trois-Rivieres Mayor Jean Lamarche that appeared in a French-language publication Le Nouvelliste Trois-Rivieres on January 16th. In the same piece, France-Margaret Belanger, the Executive VP of Commercial Affairs for the Canadiens, made remarks to Lamarche stating that the Canadiens want to be involved, but the team wanted no affiliation with MacDonald, who helped run the AHL St. John’s IceCaps along with Glenn Stanford, when Montreal was there before the AHL team was moved to Laval. Former NHL’er and local native, Marc-Andre Bergeron, who's the owner of the local independent Can-AM minor league baseball team (the Aigles-Eagles), and a part NASCAR owner, has been hired by MacDonald’s group to work with the facility to become the main tenant. Perhaps they intend on purchasing an existing ECHL franchise and relocating them. That would seem like a logical business decision. Last week, in a virtual meeting, progress seemed to have been made between the city and the representatives to bring minor pro hockey to the new arena. “It was a very cordial meeting. It feels like we are on the same wavelength. It is moving forward. It remains complex as a file since there are catering, events, a ticket office that are involved, in particular, so there are points to be clarified before we can tie it all, except that I am confident that we are going in the right direction,” Bergeron stated. He is being assisted by consultant Mark Weightman, a former Montreal Alouettes executive at this meeting. “I think his presence was appreciated by the City. He can be useful in many sectors, with his experience. He was very involved in today's discussion.” in a story published by Le Nouvelliste Trois Rivieres on May 19th. Lamarche also wants the local college team at UQTR (the University of Quebec at Trois-Rivieres) Patriotes to play in the building, but the 14 home games in Canadian college hockey is not much, so a second major hockey tenant is needed. The QMJHL is available, but they have said the league is not interested in expanding the arena located at the junction of Route 55 and 40 and is 30 kilometers (18.5 miles) from Shawinigan. That Cataractes who had a great rivalry with the former Q team in the city, the Draveurs-Loggers (the first four years were called the Duc-Duke) (1969-1992) would need to be paid a territorial compensation if they went the junior route. The QMJHL Commissioner of 30 years, Gilles Courteau, is a big proponent of the ECHL team in TR as it will allow a first pro step in Quebec for Q players and those who want to take the collegiate route would have UQTR there as well in an article in publication Le Nouvelliste Trois-Rivieres on January 26th. The city of Montreal is 150 kilometers (93 miles) away and it makes perfect sense to have a team close enough to Laval for movement of several Canadiens prospects and injury recalls. Finding several regional owners for an ECHL team in Trois Rivieres should be fairly easy to share the hockey ops and business expenses with the Canadiens with their vast fortune chipping in to make the difference. The ECHL should also find good solid ownership to revive Manchester, NH market, and help complete the 32-32-32 hockey puzzle with the NHL and AHL that has been desired. The local rink, the Jean-Guy Talbot Arena was built in the 1960’s was named for the defenseman who played for the Canadiens from 1955-1967 and played over 1,000 NHL games. Jean Guy-Talbot 87, was the Rangers coach for one season (1977-78), the new Colisee will have a second rink to help local minor hockey. Read the full article

[shannrussell-blog1]

There’s regular camping gear that we take on every camping trip… tent, table, stove, sleeping gear, etc. Then there’s a whole host of extraordinarily peculiar gear that can arguably enhance your camping experience.

Some of these things are pretty nifty. Others will lure you with bizarre advertising that you’ll find hard to look away from only to leave you feeling unsettled and questioning what on earth it was you just watched!

Not surprisingly, a lot of these items are no longer available, but there are always new weird and wonderful bits of gear hitting the market all the time.

So without further ado, here are the 5 outlandish and offbeat bits of camping gear that we’ve found so far on the web.

5. The Bumper Dumper

You’d want to make sure you are on a quiet road when you stop to use the Bumper Dumper. This portable toilet seat and bucket fits into your tow hitch so you can sit down at the back of your car for a roadside dump. Maybe not as private as an old fallen log (pardon the pun) but far more comfortable.

I’m not sure where you put the bucket once you’ve filled it, the roof rack is probably the best option. Just make sure your buddy is finished before you drive away, and beware of the hot exhaust.

Image by Bumper Dumper

4. A whole host of weird sleeping bags

Kids worried about sleeping in the outdoors? Help them get to sleep in the dark by handing them a giant shark and telling them to climb right on into its mouth! Kids scared of sharks? That’s ok because there’s a grizzly bear option too!

Imagine how excited medical students would be with the anatomical sleeping bag, and nothing says “don’t worry, we’re all in this together” more than a fellow camper in a cadaver bag.

Image by World of Camping

3. Leatherman Tread Multi Tools

Can we call this a man bangle? The Leatherman Tread is more of a fashion statement than a multi-tool. It’s one of those bits of gear that you buy someone who already has everything plus it’s the only multi-tool we know of that is allowed through airport security.

That being said, you’d be best checking with your airline before an airport security officer decides your wrist bling would look better on them.

Image by Leatherman

. Field Candy Patterned Tents

These guys are taking personalised camping to the next level. Traditional ‘A-frame’ tents that let you blend in or stand out as much as you want, some designs may even make your fellow campers feel somewhat uneasy. From sheep to an English pub, watermelons, books and even Iron Maiden, there’s a design to suit every personality.

Image by Field Candy

1. Victorinox Swiss Champ XAVT

Victorinox is really just showing off here. 8 functions in an inconveniently large 65mm wide package, this Swiss Army pocket knife is better suited to the display cabinet than your camping kit… Victorinox does mention this though.

Image by Unbox Therapy

0. Offroad Segway

If hiking isn’t your thing then why not tear up the walking tracks and mow down the wildlife with an off-road segway. These will set you back a pretty penny but at least you won’t be burning all those hard-earned calories on the way to your destination. Oh, and you’re going to need a powered site.

Image by Al Gadgets Technology

19. Super Kimbos – keep your pants on, even when you go to the toilet!

I don’t have any words for this.

18. Nite Ops Stubby Cooler… with LED light

You probably wouldn’t buy one of these for yourself, but you wouldn’t complain if this was in your Kris Kringle gift. Made with ABS plastic (think Lego) and equipped with an LED light, you’ve now got an excuse for taking your bevvie for a long post-campfire-curry-dinner long-drop sitting.

Image by Maxim

17. Inflatable Lounge Chairs

Initially, I thought these were ridiculous. Then thoughts of relaxing around the campsite on a 4 seater inflatable lounge chair entered my mind and before I knew it I was reaching for the credit card. These would look more at home in your lounge room than in the campsite, and with one, two and four-seater options you can seat the whole family and some wildlife.

Just for the record, I got over my excitement pretty quickly and didn’t actually buy one of these lounge chairs, however, an inflatable lounge could also be fun for floating down a creek in after some rainy weather, don’t you think?

Image by Archi Expo

16. ManCan Portable Beer Keg

How necessary these are for camping could be debated for a lifetime, but the one thing that any beer loving camper would agree on is that these are pretty cool. A single wall keg that you can keep in your portable car fridge ready for a cold beer on tap in the campsite. You can also get a limited edition WoManCan, which a portion of the proceeds will go to supporting women in the brewing industry.

Their claims of being lightweight are a stretch for hikers but a homebrew enthusiast on a car based camping trip would love this.

Image by InsideHook

15. TrailKeg

Once again, a little heavy for hiking but…this portable beer keg is vacuum insulated and will keep your beer cold for up to 4 hours. So, theoretically, if you were to do away with 5kg of other gear in your rucksack, you could take cold beer on tap just about anywhere. You’d consider it… right?

Image by TrailKeg

14. Powdered Beer

If you really can’t justify the weight of a ManCan or TrailKeg in your trekking pack, then maybe powdered beer is more your thing. As a beer lover myself I’d rather drink muddy water filtered through my socks than a glass of powdered beer, but I’ve never tried it, so who am I to judge? The fact that it doesn’t seem to be available any more may be a good indication of flavour though.

Image by Trek’n Eat

13. The DryFlush Toilet

Are you concerned about the environmental impact of using water, chemicals and dedicated dump points for your portable toilet waste? Not to worry, now you can vacuum wrap your crap in foil and bank it all in a giant plastic bag! Then you get to pay a visit to every landfill site on your trip to get rid of it all! Seems like an environmentally friendly solution to me…not!

1. Fry an egg with the Flash Torch

Keep out of reach of children! This torch won’t just light your path to the dunny, it will also start a fire and fry an egg, all with the power of its ‘laser beam’ [insert Dr Evil voiceover]. Sounds more like a lightsabre to me and a sure fire way to burn holes in your tent, administer third-degree burns to wildlife and fry the retinas of your camping buddies. It’s 100% legally guaranteed under US law though, so it must be safe!

Image by Gizmodo

11. GSI Ultralight Table

We actually sell this one at Snowys. Our initial thoughts were that it is gimmicky and expensive and wouldn’t be overly popular… we were wrong! It seems that this 30cm long table is sought after, most likely by gourmet trail chefs. All in all, it’s a pretty cool bit of kit, just very expensive for a small amount of benchtop.

Image by GSI Outdoors

10. BBQ Fishing Rod

Snow Peak makes a whole host of gimmicky yet surprisingly functional gear for the outdoors lifestyle and the BBQ Rod is by no means an exception. Attach your marshmallows, sausages, fish or veggies to the hook and dangle them over the fire, then with a small flick of the wrist your food flips for even cooking. Pretty cool!

Image by Snow Peak

9. Titanium Straw

The Snow Peak Titanium straw is the strongest and most durable reusable straw in the world. Able to pierce coconuts with a single blow and rest stylishly in any cocktail. Doubles as a miniature blow dart pipe for lightweight hunting adventures.

This is quite a timely placement given the talk of the environmental impact disposable straws are having, unfortunately, it’s not available in Australia as yet.

Image by Snow Peak

8. Candwich – Canned Sandwiches

If I had to pull some positives from this, it would be their marketing. However, apart from fleeting glimpses of these sandwiches flying out of their respective cans and across the dance floor into the mouths of hungry disco dancers, there’s no image of the actual product. Most likely because they have the plate appeal of a budget airline meal. I’m not sure why you would take a canned sandwich to a dance club but given they stay ‘fresh’ for over a year they are probably handy for camping… I think I’ll stick to baked beans myself though.

Alternatively, there are canned cheeseburgers from the same people that brought you the powdered beer. Strangely enough, these don’t seem to be available any more.

Video by Candwich

7. GSI Collapsible Whisk

Without any context, it’s hard to work out what this peculiar little device is and a poll of random guesses to its use may return some less than desirable guesses given its whip-like appearance. But, when GSI designed it they had a portable whisk in mind.

If scrambled eggs, omelettes and pancakes are a regular on your camping menu then this may be a useful item in your kit.

Image by Snowys Outdoors

6. iGuaneye Footwear

The concept makes sense, inspired by the Amazonian Indians who dipped their feet in natural latex for protection. While the latex stuck to the Amazonians feet like glue, these shoes rely on your big toe and some rubber around the heel to keep the shoe in place.

Personally, I’ve never seen a problem with flip-flops, but these do look interesting. iGuaneye looks like a relatively new brand, not something we’ve seen on any shelves in Australia just yet.

Image by iGUANEYE

5. Hydro Hammock Bath Tub

If you’ve packed everything, including the kitchen sink, and still got a 4× foot void in your boot, you can take the bathtub too thanks to the Hydro Hammock. This battery powered gas heated insulated hammock is designed to be filled with water to create a remote hydro spa. Simply hang it between two rock solid and level anchor points, or dig an enormous hole to lay it in. Then add about 180 litres of water and make sure you’ve got a flood management plan in place when you empty it.

The Hydro Hammock can be used in the wilderness, the beach or wherever you can feasibly carry a 30 kg case and 180 kg of water. The images even suggest you use it as an outdoor bath on your suburban balcony!

Image by Daily Mail Australia

4. Campfire Defender Blanket

I’m not sure I could sleep at night knowing my campfire is smouldering away under a massive blanket not too far from my tent. There are a small number of online reviews supporting my concerns, inversely then there’s a lot of positive feedback.

The idea is that instead of extinguishing your fire when you hit the hay, just peg this woven glass fire blanket over your fire. This allows the fire to keep burning whilst containing embers which means you’ll have hot coals in the morning.

Personally, I feel like it takes the responsibility out of making sure your fire is adequately extinguished. It also seems like it would be a dirty smoky item to be hauling around in your vehicle.

Video by Campfire Defender

3. Glow in the Dark Toilet Paper

Other than being able to locate the toilet paper in bush dunny completely void of light, or maybe so you can see the roll that you just dropped in the long drop, I’m pretty confident in saying that the 

Image by ThisIsWhyImBroke

. GSI Vortex Blender

This blender does not require electricity, so you don’t have to go without your protein shake, daiquiris and margaritas at the campsite. What you will need though, is a strong arm, a camp table strong enough to clamp the blender onto, and a couple of camping buddies to hold everything steady as you thrash away at the crank handle in an effort to turn the contents of the blender into a liquid.

The best thing is that you get an upper body workout while you produce the vitamin enriched shake you’ll need for muscle recovery afterwards.

Image by GSI Outdoors

1. Squat Strap

There’s a lot that is not right here. Firstly, it looks to be a terribly uncomfortable & over engineered strap that supposedly makes bush toileting easy… provided you have quads of steel. Secondly, the marketing is akin to a B-Grade comedic horror movie.

In summary, a short-tempered man in a white suit (Tuxman) steps out from behind a tree wearing a monkey mask and stares creepily at an unsuspecting camper preparing for a in the woods. Following a sales pitch on the Squat Strap and its numerous other uses, Tuxman pulls out a graphic illustration of a naked man strapped to a tree with bricks falling from his, err… rear-end!

Assumingly once the bricks have passed, the unsuspecting camper is converted to Tuxman’s bush monkey ways and dons the white suit before honing in on another culprit who appears to be converted as he’s come prepared with a Squat Strap of his own. They then all join hands (Tuxman now in a robe!) in a show of united appreciation for the Squat Strap!

These don’t look to be available any more, maybe the budget for the commercial could have been spent better on other areas of marketing?

Video by Squat Monkey

Got any strange camping products that we should add to our list? Post us some details below and we’ll include it!

The post Weird, Wonderful & Disturbingly Strange Camping Gear appeared first on Snowys Blog.

[themjinterviews-blog]

43. ...'cause it was Bobbi with an 'i'...he isn't just one of the guys; in his pink party dress, you would never guess, he benches 335!

Have you ever wished you could start life over?: Because being an infant sounds like a jolly good time? No thanks.

…or at least go back in time?: Yeahhhh – about that…I’m not fucking with different timelines and all the intricate time-travel etiquette.

When did you last eat pizza?: Tonight actually.

Do you prefer to hear the painful truth or a beautiful lie?: Not sure it makes a difference. In the end, it only matters how I see or perceive it to be. No definite way to known for certain whether people are being honest or not. You either chose to believe they are, or not.

How many exes do you have?: “Official” exes? 4, I think?

Have you ever known a pathological or habitual liar?: Absolutely.

Do you enjoy writing?: Love it.

If so, do you prefer writing lyrics, poetry, stories or something else?: Essays, free verse poetry, quotes, quirky self-help journals, lists, song parodies, etc…

Are you angry right now?: Mildly irritated. I keep hitting typos and I am just angry to have to keep correcting stupid shit.

Have you ever punched a wall?: Don’t think so.

Have you ever lived in a motel/hotel?: Yeah for like half a year.

Do you think you would enjoy running your own business?: Hell fucking no. I have very poor follow through and virtually zero concept of or desire to properly manage finances.

What’s the average rent for a 1 bedroom apartment in your area?: I’m gonna guess like 650-800$

Do you think rentals are too expensive where you live?: We are renting from friends. Doesn’t count.

Have you ever changed a car’s alternator?: Absolutely no idea what the fuck an alternator is.

Do you have Netflix?: The couple we live with does, but personally, no I don’t.

What about Hulu Plus?: Brandon does.

Do you have an Xbox Live gold membership?: Used to.

Would you rather master Guitar Hero or a real guitar?: I don’t necessarily want to *master* either. Neither are really a skill I could myself pursuing to any proficient degree.

Have you ever used an electric drill?: Back when I helped with drama club sets in high school.

Do you know anyone who’s had brain surgery?: Not that I’m aware of.

Do you like playing FPS (First Person Shooter) video games?: I got somewhat into CoD BlackOps.

Have you ever heard of, the band, Porcupine Tree?: Errr, no.

Would you rather wear boots or sandals?: Boots!

Have you ever rescued a lost dog?: B. sorta found our dog now that way. He escaped a neighborhood yard at a friends place and the lady was trying to get rid of him because her son was throwing out some hard-core Of Mice and Men vibes.

Have you ever adopted a dog from a shelter?: Yeah – my Deandra. R.I.P.

Have you ever cleaned a cat litter box?: Yeah.

Have you ever used a machete?: I own one…never had an occasion in which I needed to use it though.

What’s the last gift you gave to someone?: A weird drink coozie thing.

What’s the last gift you received?: A gift card to Carrabba’s.

When was the last time you rode a bicycle?: Last summer when I lived at the motel I think?

Do 2 wrongs ever make a right?: Right and wrong are up for interpretation.

Are you a vengeful person at all?: No. Vengeance to me is going on with life unscathed by and unfixed upon the malicious actions of other people. Seeking vengeance literally just gives them the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin. Which was btw, exactly what they were hoping to do.

Do you have a good memory or do you forget things often?: Hit or miss. Going to lean more towards forget things, though. I tend to live in my own little world and if I don’t use the information frequently, it quickly becomes irrelevant and eventually forgotten.

Do you know anyone who suffers from chronic fatigue?: Probably.

Have you ever felt like you “lost yourself”?: I think for the first 29-30 years of my life, I didn’t even have a self to lose.

Do you judge people based on their weight?: No, what would that accomplish?

Do you know anyone who’s hardworking but still struggles to make ends meet?: I feel like I qualify; I work my ass off but have 0 priorities or sense of financial self-discipline.

What do you think is more harmful? Cigarettes or Marijuana?: Ummm, cigarettes are widely-accepted and scientifically determined to be absolutely more harmful than weed. Regardless, I smoke both.

Is your air conditioner on?: Either that or the fan. Not sure what the friends who own the house have it set on.

Is your heater on?: The fucks wrong with you. It’s May in Southern Arizona.

Do you enjoy going on walks?: Explicitly the manageably short, non-strenuous variety.

Do you like having picnics?: They're okay. Eating inside is fine, too.

Have you ever had a panic/anxiety attack?: Yessum.

Have you ever dated a co-worker?: “Dated” isn’t exactly the word I’d go with. But I’ve done the work-mance scene. Almost always culminates to awkwardness.

Do you still buy CDs or do you just download music?:Still buy CDs. The car we just bought was old enough to still have a CD player in it.

Do you like iPod/song shuffle surveys?: Not really.

Do you suffer from social anxiety?: Not really anymore. I mean, once I realized it was all in my head, it sort of depleted the level of social anxiety noticeably.

Are you more introverted or extroverted : Introverted. But I know how to appear extroverted in situations like talking to my tables at work.

Do you enjoy organizing things?: There is no consistency when it comes to what kinda shit I like to organize, nor how frequently I do it.

Have you ever watched “Mystery Science Theater 3000”?: I have not

Do you know anyone who plays Tuba?: Random. Nope.

If you had to get a tattoo of someone’s name, who’s name would you choose?: Like maybe a pet or a family member. Or my own name.

Have you ever been to Catalina Island?: No idea where that even is.

Would you rather swim with dolphins or sharks?: Yo, what sick fucker voluntarily chooses the sharks? Is that even a serious inquiry?

Do you know how to change a vacuum belt?: You buy a new vacuum or you simply never vacuum again.

Have you ever given a business a bad online review?: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

Do you know anyone who used to be a stripper (that you know of)?: Yeah, one of the bartenders I knew from the dive bar.

Do you know anyone who’s a hoarder?: I know people with tendencies, but not full-blown hoarder-ness.

Do you know who Maynard James Keenan is?: Ummmm, no…sorry.

Do you take responsibility for your actions or tend to make excuses?: I’ve gotten better at understanding what taking responsibility for myself actually means.

Have you ever used the shower at a gym?: . Yeah.

Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship: Trapped is an understatement.

Do you believe that “love is blind”?: I believe love is almost always something else in disguise…and that it all generally relates back to the image we want to create and embody. I swear I’m not being cynical, I'm just saying “Love” will always be too subjective and misinterpreted to come to any finite opinion about it.

What’s the furthest distance you’ve ridden a bicycle?. Like 7 miles? Could be more or less. I’m a terrible judge of time and distance.

Do you rate every survey you fill out, here on bzoink?: Don’t know what Bzoink is.

Do you know anyone who gets way too angry when playing video games?: Not currently.

Do YOU get too angry when playing video games?: It’s been awhile, but I usually don’t get raging mad – I was likely never expecting to do all that well in the first place.

Do you like to sing karaoke?: I’d rather sing along to the radio/iTunes. I need to hear the artist singing in order to match pitch and sound half decent.

Do you know what micro-expressions are?:. Not remotely.

If so, do you have a talent for seeing/reading them?: Assumingly not.

Have you ever had insomnia?: Medically, no. I don’t think it counts if you just do a lot of uppers and electively decide not to sleep.

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been awake?: Like, 6 days. It gets trippy. I am in no way suggesting anyone try it.

Have you ever been in denial?: Lol it’d be obvious denial to deny being in denial.

Have you ever been in The Nile?: Sure. King Tut and I go Lazy-River-Drunk-Tubing together.

Have you recently used a nail file?: I honestly don’t think I’ve ever used one.

Do you know anyone named Kyle?: Yeah. This kid I went to HS with. We talked for a bit like a year ago and got Margaritas once.

Is it annoying that I started rhyming my questions?: Nope. You do you, bro!

[priyaivf-blog]

Best 18 Tips for a Healthy Pregnancy

1. Staying Healthy During Pregnancy

If you're pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant, you probably know some of the basic pregnancy advice about taking care of yourself and the baby: don't smoke or be around secondhand smoke, don't drink, and get your rest. Here are more pregnancy tips, from taking vitamins to what to do with the kitty litter, that can help ensure safe and healthy prenatal development.

2. Take a Prenatal Vitamin

Even when you're still trying to conceive, it's smart to start taking prenatal vitamins. Your baby's neural cord, which becomes the brain and spinal cord, develops within the first month of pregnancy, so it's important you get essential nutrients, like folic acid, calcium, and iron, from the very start.

Prenatal vitamins are available over the counter at most drug stores, or you can get them by prescription from your doctor. If taking them makes you feel queasy, try taking them at night or with a light snack. Chewing gum or sucking on hard candy afterward can help, too.

3. Exercise

Staying active is important for your general health and can help you reduce stress, control your weight, improve circulation, boost your mood, and sleep better. Take a pregnancy exercise class or walk at least 15-20 minutes every day at a moderate pace, in cool, shaded areas or indoors in order to prevent overheating.

Pilates, yoga, swimming, and walking are also great activities for most pregnant women, but be sure to check with your doctor first before starting any exercise program. Aim for 30 minutes of exercise most days of the week. Listen to your body, though, and don't overdo it.

4. Write a Birth Plan

Determined to have a doula? Counting on that epidural? Write down your wishes and give a copy to everyone involved with the delivery. According to the American Pregnancy Association, here are some things to consider when writing your birth plan:

- Who you want present, including children or siblings of the baby - Procedures you want to avoid - What positions you prefer for labor and delivery - Special clothing you'd like to wear - Whether you want music or a special focal point - Whether you want pain medications, and what kind - What to do if complications arise

5. Educate Yourself

Even if this isn't your first baby, attending a childbirth class will help you feel more prepared for delivery. Not only will you have the chance to learn more about childbirth and infant care, but you can ask specific questions and voice any concerns. You'll also become more acquainted with the facility and its staff.

Now is also a good time to brush up on your family's medical history. Talk to your doctor about problems with past pregnancies, and report any family incidences of birth defects.

6.Practice Kegels

Kegel exercises strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, which support your bladder, bowels, and uterus. Done correctly, this simple exercise can help make your delivery easier and prevent problems later with incontinence. The best part: No one can tell you're doing them, so you can practice kegels in the car, while you're sitting at your desk, or even standing in line at the grocery store. Here's how to do them right:

- Practice squeezing as though you're stopping the flow of urine when you use the bathroom - Hold for three seconds, then relax for three - Repeat 10 times

7. Change Up Chores

Even everyday tasks like scrubbing the bathroom or cleaning up after pets can become risky when you're pregnant. Exposure to toxic chemicals, lifting heavy objects, or coming in contact with bacteria can harm you and your baby. Here are some things to (hooray!) take off your to-do-list:

- Heavy lifting - Climbing on stepstools or ladders - Changing kitty litter (to avoid toxoplasmosis, a disease caused by a parasite which cats can carry) - Using harsh chemicals - Standing for long periods of time, especially near a hot stove

8. Track Your Weight Gain

We know—you're eating for two. But packing on too many extra pounds may make them hard to lose later. At the same time, not gaining enough weight can put the baby at risk for a low-weight birth, a major cause of developmental problems. Recently the Institute of Medicine (IOM) issued new guidelines for weight gain during pregnancy. Here's what the IOM recommends, based on a woman's BMI (body mass index) before becoming pregnant with one baby:

- Underweight: Gain 28-40 pounds - Normal weight: Gain 25-35 pounds - Overweight: Gain 15-25 pounds - Obese: Gain 11-20 pounds

Check in with your doctor frequently to make sure you're gaining at a healthy rate.

9. Go Shoe Shopping

At last, a perfect excuse to buy shoes! As your bump grows, so may your feet—or at least they may feel like they are. That's because your natural weight gain throws off your center of gravity, putting extra pressure on your tootsies. Over time this added pressure can cause painful over-pronation, or flattening out of the feet. You may retain fluids, too, which can make your feet and ankles swell.

So it's important to wear comfortable, nonrestricting shoes when you're pregnant. Many expectant moms find they need a larger shoe size even after they give birth, so go a step up if you need to. And be sure to put your feet up several times a day to prevent fatigue and swelling of the feet, legs, and ankles.

10. Rethink Your Spa Style

Pregnancy is definitely a time for pampering, but you need to be careful. Avoid saunas, which can make you overheated. Ditto for hot tubs: According to the American Pregnancy Association, it takes only 10 to 20 minutes of sitting in one for your body temperature to reach 102 degrees Farenheit—nearly the limit of what's considered safe for pregnant women. Also, certain essential oils can cause uterine contractions, especially during the first and second trimester, so check with your massage therapist to make sure only safe ones are being used. On the taboo list: juniper, rosemary, and clary sage. The same goes for over-the-counter medicines and supplements containing these herbal remedies; don't take them without first consulting your obstetrician or midwife.

11. Eat Folate-Rich Foods

In addition to drinking 8-10 glasses of water each day, you should eat five or six well-balanced meals with plenty of folate-rich foods like fortified cereals, asparagus, lentils, wheat germ, oranges, and orange juice. "Folic acid is crucial for the proper development of the baby's neural tube (it covers the spinal cord), and it's vital for the creation of new red blood cells," says Frances Largeman-Roth, R.D., author of Feed the Belly.

12. Recharge with Fruit

Most doctors recommend limiting caffeine during pregnancy, since it can have harmful effects on you and the baby. Cutting back can be tough, though, especially when you're used to your morning java. For a quick pick-me-up, try nibbling on some fruit. "The natural sugars in fruits like bananas and apples can help lift energy levels," says registered dietitian Frances Largeman-Roth.

13. Go Fish

In a 2007 study of more than 12,000 children, researchers found that youngsters whose moms ate the most fish during pregnancy had higher I.Q.s, plus better motor and communication skills, than those whose mothers did not eat fish. Scientists say that's because fish is high in omega 3s, a nutrient critical to brain development. There's just one catch: Some kinds of fish contain mercury, which can be toxic to both babies and adults.

To be safe, the FDA recommends that pregnant women eat no more than 12 ounces of fish per week. Stick with canned light tuna, shrimp, salmon, pollack, or catfish. Avoid swordfish, shark, king mackerel, and tilefish, which are all high in mercury.

14. Wear Sunscreen

Being pregnant makes your skin more sensitive to sunlight, so you're more prone to sunburn and chloasma, those dark, blotchy spots that sometimes appear on the face. Apply a sunscreen with an SPF of 30 or higher (many brands now offer chemical-free formulas, if you prefer a green option) and wear a hat and sunglasses. While no studies prove spending time in tanning beds can hurt your baby, the American Pregnancy Association recommends you avoid them while you're pregnant.

15. Travel Smart

Go ahead: book that flight, but take some precautions. The Mayo Clinic say mid-pregnancy (14 to 28 weeks) is usually the best time to fly—by this time you're probably over morning sickness, and the risk of miscarriage or early delivery is low. Still, check with your doctor about any travel plans, and make sure the airline has no restrictions for pregnant women. On the plane, drink plenty of water to stay hydrated, and get up and walk around every half hour to reduce the risk of blood clots. An aisle seat will give you more room and make trips to the bathroom easier.

In the car, continue to wear a safety belt. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, the shoulder portion of the restraint should be positioned over the collar bone. The lap portion should be placed under the abdomen as low as possible on the hips and across the upper thighs, never above the abdomen. Also, pregnant women should sit as far from the air bag as possible.

16. Say Yes to Cravings—Sometimes

Truth be told, no one knows why cravings happen. Some experts say they may be nature's way of providing nutrients an expectant mom may be lacking. Others say they're an emotional thing. Regardless, as long as you're eating an overall healthy diet, it's usually OK to give in to your cravings. Just be careful to limit portions—don't down all that ice cream at once!—and know which snacks to steer clear of. A few foods to avoid: raw and undercooked meat or eggs; brie, feta, and other types of unpasteurized cheese; herbal teas; and raw sprouts.

17. Know When to Call the Doctor

Being pregnant can be confusing, especially if it's your first time. How do you know which twinge is normal and which one isn't? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, you should call your doctor if you have any of these symptoms:

- Pain of any kind - Strong cramps - Contractions at 20-minute intervals - Vaginal bleeding or leaking of fluid - Dizziness or fainting - Shortness of breath - Heart palpitations - Constant nausea and vomiting - Trouble walking, edema (swelling of joints) - Decreased activity by the baby

18. Indulge Yourself

You may think you're busy now, but once the baby comes you'll have even fewer precious moments to yourself. Be sure to get at least eight hours of sleep a night, and if you're suffering from sleep disturbances, take naps during the day and see your physician if the situation doesn't improve.

Treating yourself, too: A lunchtime manicure, a much-needed night out with the girls, or simply taking a quiet walk can help you relax and de-stress—and that's good for both you and the baby.

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[thechurchillreview]

Contains SPOILERS for Alien (1979), Prometheus (2012), and Alien: Covenant (2017).

The problem I have with both Prometheus and Alien: Covenant is that the Alien proto-Xenomorph (Stupid unconvincing and not scary CGI! No suspense or terror with it this time around...) never needed anything resembling an origin story. These aren't questions I had. Nor answers I ever thought of seeking before. Sometimes, the mysterious should stay, well, a mystery. Alien comic by the always fantastic @faitherinhicks.

In Alien, those aboard the Nostromo are woken up and diverted far away from their charted course home to investigate a message of unknown origin. Kane enters a vagina-shaped looking entrance of a found spaceship, becomes a figurative sperm, touches a mystery egg that a Facehugger then emerges from. From that point forward, Kane’s body serves as an incubator for the titular Alien until some early spoken dialogue comes back to violently haunt him (“I feel dead”). The chestburster ripping out of Kane is one of the most iconic scenes in Alien. It is messy, frightening, and bloody. I mean, jeez, Kane was a victim of clear sexual assault and an unwanted pregnancy kills him in the process! Viewers are given glimpses of something grisly occurring (“Bones are bent outwards...Like he exploded from inside”), but the full disturbing magnitude of the parasitic sexual predator is observed here. Prior to, simultaneously, the audience and Nostromo crew learn that the organism has put Kane into a coma, possesses a defense mechanism of molecular acid-like blood, and can survive adverse environmental conditions.

Heck Alien screenwriter Dan O'Bannon said so himself in the Alien Saga documentary released in 2002. "One thing that people are all disturbed about is sex... I said 'That's how I'm going to attack the audience; I'm going to attack them sexually. And I'm not going to go after the women in the audience, I'm going to attack the men. I am going to put in every image I can think of to make the men in the audience cross their legs. Homosexual oral rape, birth. The thing lays its eggs down your throat, the whole number." The more you know right?

See, Alien chiefly works because of its claustrophobic horror atmosphere combined with its characters being in the dark as much as we too stumble about spliced with the subtext I already mentioned earlier. You feel the tension. You fear and totally envision what the “alien” could be capable of. The human mind's perception of a mysterious horror combined with imagination is ridiculous: hence the strength of the withheld image. This is especially heightened throughout the air ducts scenes. Due to this, akin to the malfunctioning mechanical shark named Bruce in Steven Spielberg’s Jaws (1975), the less the Alien’s Xenomorph is visibly seen, the more compelling and terrifying the reveal moment is.

 And even when information is gathered about the "alien" the humans are still stuck grasping at straws.

 Always one step behind.

 Another cadaver.

Eventually, Nostromo’s seven crew members is whittled down to one. Leaving Ellen Ripley, a science-fiction icon, portrayed by Sigourney Weaver, the last one. Where everyone else failed with attempted teamwork, Ripley triumphs alone. 

Look, Ripley’s function in Alien is to carry the story forward. That it is her story was and remains a big deal in the big Hollywood picture. Ripley is seen briefly (...Sorry) in her underwear towards the conclusion to signify the “conclusion” of her terrible ordeal (the removal of battle attire, how we change out of work clothing and slip into something more comfortable). I used to have a problem with this, but over the years I saw it more as Ripley foolishly lowering her guard too soon (became too cocky before truly winning) while the exposure of her flesh reflects her vulnerability. Earlier in Alien, the men are seen in their underwear too when they’re awakening. The comatose Kane in his underwear medically make sense I believe, yet could be additionally stating his level of vulnerability at the time. I don’t sleep in solely underwear with a shirt. Nope, I prefer jeans and a shirt, always. 

She stealthily and quickly dons astronaut attire, bravely impales the Xenomorph with a harpoon gun shot that sends it into the void of space, and fries it with the engines of the ship burning up the cable to leave it adrift out there. The nightmare is no more. Now mourning, reporting, and sleeping is next.  So, through the aforementioned sexual assault subtext, Ripley isn't depicted as powerless or weak in Alien. She courageously kept her composure and survives against the lethal threat that killed the rest of the Nostromo’s crew. 

Yeah, the one key aspect that both Prometheus and Alien: Covenant have utterly failed is generating another woman on equal footing with Alien’s Ripley. The freaking focus of the Alien prequels is a male robot designed by a male creator. His creator should’ve of comprehended the deeper implications of David’s piano piece selection of instead of outright criticizing his choice. *Shudders* I don’t study music compositions and I know the meaning behind what David chose, jeez. Should’ve destroyed him immediately. Nope, too dumb to think of that.

We do get female characters and in the kindest way possible that I’m typing they’re essentially awful. Elizabeth Shaw has her uterus cut open (courtesy of David poisoning/killing her boyfriend), repairs him, and is experimented/tortured upon. In comparison, after discovering that Ash isn’t human, Ripley finds out all she can before pulling his plug. Shaw fixed an already proven to be duplicitous android…? What a fool. In Covenant, Daniels “Dany” Branson putting too much trust in Walter backfires when the painfully obvious twist towards the end rears its ugly head. Daniels not verbally battling harder for Christopher Oram to reconsider his position before landing on a trap which also goes against the purpose of the Covenant? The fact that Daniels was allowed to speak a famous Ripley line still baffles and enrages me! You’re not her. Neither is that moron Shaw.

Don’t get me started on Oram following David to a lair of Facehuggers after the android tried to befriend an alien that decapitated Covenant crew member Rosenthal. Or Oram abandoning the mission because they perhaps found another suitable colonization location that isn’t seven years away? His choice kicks off the unspeakable horrors his crew faces against. He jeopardized the lives of his crew and almost 2,000 innocent others inside of the Covenant! Oram, you’re seriously an atrocious captain! Or how about Rosenthal not following orders about staying close by whilst freshening up despite witnessing an alien ripping another crew member’s jaw off with a tail swipe? Or Maggie Faris freaking out at the sight of blood, locking Karine Oram inside with the very deceased transforming Ledward, coming back with a weapon, slipping on blood which makes her miss her target, unable to save the being mauled to death Karine, breaking her ankle when running away then falling down often, missing with every shot except for a bunch of exposed blasting explosives than in turn blow up a ship and herself?! Once again, Ripley follows proper quarantine protocol with her captain Dallas, the infected Kane, and Lambert...Until Ash undermines her and lets them inside the ship. Every crew member lacking a helmet since the air is apparently (that’s not suspicious to anyone? Really?) breathable leads to the demises of Ledward and Hallett plus the freshly born alien killing machines. It was their fault for intentionally touching something or stomping around without a care in the world.

 Yes, the sheer idiocy on display in Alien: Covenant is unbearable. Hilarious even. Er, sadly.

The truth is that there’s a barbarous beauty to Alien and with Ridley Scott insisting on prequels to the original classic he's hurting what made Alien so special in the first place.

Look Covenant isn't entirely bad...Just absolutely needless. The ideas within its DNA have considerable merit (same with the previous installment Prometheus) and Scott should of established a new IP instead of piggybacking off of an existing mostly looked upon favorably motion picture brand-name. It is confusing and complex for the sake of it. Covenant notoriously introduces some stuff and then doesn't bother to follow-up on any of them to a degree where it matters in the narrative being told! Such as the theme of love versus duty, to name an example. “Here’s a gay couple! Lope and Hallett! After the fact. Enjoy that cake everyone! Unless you viewed The Last Supper prologue video on Youtube that is.” Um, that is not how you garner praise. Just more deserved derision. Having and reinforcing the script’s couple concept crew might have been interesting. If only Alien: Covenant had bothered to color those finalized paper-thin cut-outs masquerading as genuine individuals and actually followed this angle. 

The alien existing as its own damn unmanufactured species in the depths of space apparently isn’t good enough anymore. The “perfect mysterious organism” has been ruined by Covenant: that’s the truth. Dagnabit! No, the world must have at least three prequels to Alien (Scott hinted at six in all). What the French toast?! Basically, the ideas/themes in Prometheus and Alien: Covenant deserve or should've been in a franchise that isn't remotely connected to Alien. We’re eight entries in (counting the AVP movies). EIGHT! With it would seem six more planned to go, oh my goodness. In other words, don’t waste your breath on Prometheus or Alien: Covenant. They offer misplaced themes, awe from certain gorgeous visuals alongside vexation, bafflement, and unintentional hilarity.  

[danellefriedmann-blog]

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