#Physically I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

[nightshadeowl]

Good morning o/

[cyb-rdva]

Forever the name on My Lips

Grim Reaper x Reader (Gender-Unspecified)

A Date with Death Fic

Full Bad Ending Spoilers (Bad ending 2) + Name Spoilers

Note : out of all the endings I've gotten, this ending brought me emotional and physical pain in every way as if I'm being hit by a truck, and despite that, this one is the one keeping me up at night and the one I've been daydreaming about every since I got it.

There he was, sitting still as his gloved hands intertwined with your cold ones, you were cold and unmoving.. He wished it didn't have to end up this way, he made it clear to himself that he won't take your soul, he was willing to betray his oath just to be with you yet.. Here you are.

In his arms, pale and no longer breathing, the words you spoke on your last breath brought him so much pain

"Grim, I think I like you too"

The amount of pain he's feeling right now cannot possibly equal the pain that the sinners are experiencing, but it's definitely near. He feels as though his heart is being pulled apart, it made it hard for him to breath.

Tears that fell from his eyes seemed to be infinite, your corpse now drenched with his tears as he gently caresses your face.

Oh how much he wishes to hear you laugh at him, but in the end of the day, this was still his job.

Before he leaves, he kisses your lips softly, searching for the warmth he felt when you touched back then.

He lays you down softly to the bed, [Pet Name] on his arms, he exits through the window and into the pale moonlight.

His job was done, his peers cheered and yet, he never had ever felt so empty.

He held azrael in his arm, tears kept spilling, his heart just won't stop crying

In each sobs, he calls out your name, hoping that you'd answer

You hoped this was simply a dream, you were the first person he'd ever loved and the only one that he would love.

And now you're gone..

"What am I supposed to do with my heart now?"

In every momentum, you had never left his mind, in every soul reaping that he ever does, the memories just kept on creeping back to him like a restless ghost.

And in every second, your name was the name he calls as the night sky pitied him greatly.

In every faces he'd come by, he looks for yours in hope you'd meet once again and maybe get a second chance.

The world is cruel, only death is fair

Why did you have to be gone? Just as when he'd gotten too attached, you'd decided to give away your soul, leaving him behind.

It was torture.

There is no Fairness in life after all.

Songs I recommend listening to while playing through the bad ending 2

If this was a movie - Taylor Swift

Talking to the moon - bruno mars

Haunted - Taylor swift

Promise - laufey

Running up that hill ( a deal with God) - Kate bush

Last kiss - Taylor swift

I want you - mitski

Francis forever - mitski

[sparklefangs]

my library is saving my mental health

I was diagnosed with epilepsy in January and am no longer allowed to drive.

I live in the ass-end of nowhere - my town has about 1600 people in it according to the last census - and all the third spaces in a 45 minute drive radius, every single one, have been shut down by landlords who kept driving the rent up. (Seriously - a gaming cafe that had been there for 11 years and was always packed, a local institution, just closed a couple months ago because they couldn't afford the rent anymore.) I also can't walk anywhere at all because the roads have no shoulders, and locals in unnecessarily massive pickup trucks drive as though coming 3 inches from hitting pedestrians is their favorite sport.

Over the last 7 months I've felt my soul slowly leaking out like a nosebleed. There's so much I can't do. I can't go anywhere. I don't have friends or family to visit. Have you ever had a mental breakdown because you physically couldn't go buy a half gallon of milk? It's not great. I mean, obviously, a fair number of people experience that, but if you haven't, and suddenly that's your reality, it's pretty jarring. Even if you're an introvert, you still have the option available to you. Now imagine you don't anymore, even if you feel like you could. You just legally and by circumstance of location cannot leave the house unless someone takes you.

So, once a week, my partner drives me the half hour to our tiny little library and drops me off. It's not in walking distance of anything, so I sit there for six hours reading. Just chilling out in my favorite chair with a book. It's great.

I'm not the only person who does this. No matter what day of the week I'm there, I see the same people sitting in their favorite spots, doing the same thing I am. It's mostly older people, but also younger folks with various visible disabilities, and I assume others, like me, who probably have less visible disabilities and nowhere else to go.

This is an extremely conservative area but the staff managed to find a corner of the YA section for a tiny little pride-themed book display. I thought it was just for June, but it's mid-July and the display is still there.

I'm so grateful for this library. Even if you buy a lot of books or mainly use audible or kindle, go visit yours from time to time. Check out books, even if you don't get around to reading them. Sign up for events they might have - ours does a monthly "blind book date" thing where you tell them what you like to read, they pick out a couple books for you, and give you a few little themed extras in your box. Show that they're important so they can keep getting funding.

They need to stick around and you might not even realize how important they are until, like me, you have nowhere else to go. I've always valued libraries but now I find myself one of the people who actually really, truly needs it in a very personal and immediate way.

PS - And tell the library staff how much you appreciate what they do. They get yelled at all the time by jackasses who probably don't even use the library but are mad because they heard there are rainbows on some of the books.

[fatuismooches]

I've been brainrotting about reverse comfort and sickfics a lot recently. There are HCs about harbingers taking care of sick reader, we can do the same for them😤

In my imagination, excluding Scara for obvious reason, harbingers are separated into 3 groups when sick:

1. Compliant ones. They understand they can't get any of their work done when sick and will calmly rest until full recovery

Capitano - he's reasonable enough to understand he can't get any of field work done when sick, so he'll patiently wait for recovery. He advises you not to spend too much time around him, fearing you'll get sick, but you insist on taking care of him. Capitano won't express it, but he's so grateful

Columbina - she's so sad bc her throat is sore and she can't sing😔 But she takes this as opportunity to rest well and take a lot of naps with you taking care of her🥺 Even when healthy she's very affectionate, but when she's sick it's x10! I hope reader doesn't forget to wear a mask in all of scenarios

(Platonic) Pulchinella - he's way behind rebellious era, as an old man he knows that going around when sick won't do any good for anyone. Like Capitano, he insists that you shouldn't spend your time around it, but not only so you won't get sick, but bc you're young - there are better ways to spend time as a youngster than caring for an old man, especially since he knows how to handle himself

La Signora - her pyro magic will be a death to her when sick😔 she feels like she's boiling in her skin so even if she wanted to disobey reader and work, she couldn't and she feels so so weak;; Signora needs not only medicine, but good amount of comfort too😞

Pantalone - initially, I thought about putting him in group of rebellious ones, but then I gave it more thought... I think Panta has very good immune system, so when he gets sick it hits him like a truck. Like Signora, even if he wanted to work, he physically can't. And getting sick brings Pantalone back to times, when he couldn't afford any medicine ;; Memories hit him harder, than fever does so please distract him from them

2. 50/50. Stubborn, you'll need to convince them to rest, they might complain, but eventually give up

Arlecchino - I see her as a person, who doesn't want to seem weak in Reader's eyes, plus someone has to run orphanage, so she'll stay on her feet for as long as she can. You'll have to forcefully drag her to rest, she will protest. Just tell Arlie that she will get kids sick and that's a much more worse problem than spending a week bedridden and she'll give up. While she's sick, you're the one who watches over Heart of the Hearth

Tartaglia - he's restless. Insists he's fine, but you look at his red cheeks, glassy eyes and order him to rest, making sure he doesn't escape to do field work or something else in cold of Snezhnaya, like fishing, so you'll have to keep him entertained while he's bedridden. I think Childe actually can recover quickly and doesn't feel that bad, unlike Signora or Pantalone

3. The "I'll to tie you up if you don't go back to bed right now!!" group, enough said

Pierro - why he's here? Well, I think as a Director of the Fatui he has lots and LOTS of work matters to attend to, so it'll take you lots of convincing to get him to rest, bc as soon as you try to, some fatui underlings fill a report on Dottore for threatening them, Pierro also has to attend meeting with harbingers today and make sure it goes smoothly, then he has to get through reports of fatui agents from all over the seven nations... Old man, please, your fever is so high that you read the first page of report for the 4th time already. Fatui won't fall apart if you lay in bed and rest for a week, trust me

Dottore - I'm not sure IF he can get sick, Dottore probably modified his body to avoid this but for the sake of headcanon, let's say he can. He just gulps some pills and continues his experiments. Imagine the following scene - fatui underlings, who work in constant fear of upsetting their harbinger, see reader scolding Dottore for not only not eating and sleeping properly, but also for working while sick - all without a single shred of fear😨. Dottore brushes it off and says he'll just inject medicine and will be okay in no time but you want to hear none of this. Off to bed you go! Dottore will escape from your grasp to check on his experiments though...

Sandrone - like you wrote in bathing HCs - get her own automatons to work against her! No, Sandrone, your projects can wait. You can't focus properly! Now say "aaah", I promise this medicine is not bitter. But as soon as you fall asleep, she will try to get back to her projects, but since you got her automatons to cooperate with you, they will stop her, waking you up in process. No, young lady, I'm not letting you work until you recover and that's final!

HOLY IM CARESSING THIS SO DEARLY WTF I LOVE THEM ALL DEARLY😭😭😭🥺 I will take care of ALL of them 😤😤

Ah Capitano,, the bb. The idea of that huge deadly man becoming sick is kinda funny to me. You probably didn't even know it was possible at first. But you easily recognize the signs and order him to stay in bed (he is surprisingly compliant but he turns to mush around you in general, also he trusts your human advice very much since he's unaware of these things) Gosh and since he's afraid of hurting you in generally he'd be scared of making you sick too :( Even after you insist you'll be fine he comments on your safety every now and then. To which you reply he'll have to worry about his own safety if he keeps this up. (He doesn't understand you're jokingly threatening him.)

COLUMBINA NOOOO BABY GIRL... It feels so quiet without her lovely voice :( You miss her singing dearly but Bina promises to sing you her latest tune as soon as she's better! Make sure to brew her some nice soothing hot tea. And oh she's so shamelessly clingy. Neither of you is leaving her room!! She wants you to take care of and pamper her so much, comb her hair for her and choose her outfits, nurse her back to health. And also explain to Pierro why she's slacking on her duties <3 (Yup make sure to take precautions otherwise they'll be taking care of you next 😭)

WAHHH PAPANELLA MY HEART- He's a reasonable man, he can easily understand his situation and the consequences of what would happen if he tried to fight it (he probably did in his younger years) so he doesn't object to bed rest. Papanella knows it's really boring and you could be doing more productive things, but he's glad when you decide to stay ;( He's so happy he has such a good-natured child around, not many people are as kind as you nowadays. He'll happily go on about his younger days even though he's supposed to be resting, he still wants to keep you happy and entertained 🥺 (He just loves talking to you in general, he loves when you listen so intently)

Oh Signora, she's so vulnerable right now, even her Cryo Delusion is of no help :( She can't remember the last time she got sick and she completely hates it. She's a very independent and strong woman so she loathes the feeling of powerlessness,,, when she's under the weather you're the only person she wants to see, otherwise she'll get irritated. Make sure to tuck her in and stay by her side as she sleeps, she doesn't want to wake up to you not by her side. Also cook her some homemade soups and stews from Mondstadt, she'll internally get a bit emotional.

STOP IM DISINTEGRATING AT PANTALONE'S... He definitely has a really strong immune system from all he went through as a child. So he hasn't gotten sick in a while so when he finally does he's just like. Oh. And he tries not to let anyone know/see because he really hates this feeling since it's coupled with a lot of bad memories from his childhood. From when he had no one to take care of him. No one who cared. Still having to work to survive. Wondering if he'd be the next to succumb to illness like the many others he'd seen. Pantalone gets oddly quiet when he's sick so you'll have to talk a lot to distract him :( He appreciates it more than he lets on though - having someone genuinely love and take care of him during this is something he's always wanted since he was a child.

Oh Arlie bb... you don't need to keep up your walls in front of your lover :( I agree, she always tries to appear calm and composed to you, she doesn't want you to worry about her. So she acts as though she's completely fine. And since she's good at pretending you don't notice her fatigue until a few days later (even she can't hide from you forever, you know her better than everyone) and immediately you try to convince her to just rest. Arlie will try to deflect and deny your accusations until you wear her down with your arguments. In the end she has to accept your logic (and also the fact that seeing you upset because of her hurts her more than she liked to admit.)

Childe is always the one taking care of his family when they're sick, so when he finds himself as the sick one he is surprised and tries to ignore it. He's tough, he can handle it! He's been through way worse battles and survived! You will have to block the entrance to the door physically and push him to bed, which he'll resist and whine at first, but in the end, he won't say no to you. I don't know, use some reverse logic against him too. Ask him if he'd want to fight someone who's not in tip-top shape. No? It wouldn't be satisfying? Okay, then don't put your enemies through that! He has a soft spot for being pampered once in a while, so read him some stories and steal his recipes please :)

OH GOD Getting Pierro to rest is one of the hardest things you can put yourself through 😭 He's so swamped with all kinds of work, he stays in the same seat sorting through paperwork for hours on end. You swear the only break he takes is when you barge into his office to bother him to take a break! (Along with a meal because he NEEDS that despite denying it...) I don't know, you'll have to be a bit creative... steal his pens I guess? Either way, when you finally get him in bed, barricade the doors. Please relax Pierro, the Fatui is full of very questionable characters but they're capable at least. They won't die without you!

Ahaha Akademiya Dottore definitely got himself sick at least, whether it was from nonstop experimenting or from some unknown plant in the forest he got into contact with. He was hella grouchy but he was still physically human here so he had no choice but to listen to you begrudgingly. I bet he was giving you instructions on the next steps for his experiment while sick in bed (he's a silly guy.) For Fatui Dottore he definitely completely ignores his physical state and just downs some medicine and injections and continues on like nothing is wrong 😭 The Fatui soldiers are in tears while the clones are just like another normal day at your scolding. You won't be able to get this crazy man to rest fully but it's better than nothing right? Just try to stay awake as long as possible because he'll slip away once you're sleeping.

SANDRONE MY BELOVED!! Ahhh i will always be in love with the idea of the Automatons that SHE made working against HER because of YOU. Like, I'm your creator, you shouldn't be disobeying me! Too bad that some of them developed feelings and love seeing you with her :3 and will happily assist you with your desires. Sandrone will try to escape, but she knows better than anyone the strength of her Automatons. So after seeing how fruitless her attempts are she will eventually have to comply with you and stay in bed (maybe bring her something mechanical to do in bed 😭 she's really bored) At least now she will be a little more attentive to her condition now that she knows you are going to do this to her.

Since I'm biased I'm throwing in modern! Scara where he's not a puppet :3 I can see him being a mix of group 2 and 3 since he refuses to admit he's sick and just tries to keep pushing himself. Ignoring your pleas. He still hates appearing to be weak, especially in front of you. Though once you finally, finally get him to stay in bed he probably gets all clingy and demanding for you to stay by his side. He wants your attention on him so bad :( Please feed him some soup and stay by his side as he rants and then falls asleep <3

I feel like all of the Harbingers are super resistant to viruses and such, I wouldn't be surprised if they're even immune to different kinds of poison. So I think the main way of them getting sick would be overworking themselves along with added stress 😭 which honestly happens to all of them- please make sure to pull them away from their desks for a nap and cuddles every now and then 💞

[thechronicelk]

My name is Galaxy. I start this blog tentatively in hopes of connecting with other chronically ill artists and finding a supportive community. I've gone a long time without a support network of people who actually know what I'm going through.

I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS). I've been sick for around ten years. I don't usually talk about how intense this experience has been for me, because hearing about suffering can be uncomfortable, but I desire a place to talk openly about just how hard it is to deal with this.

What is ME like? It's like paying for every action you take. You may have heard of the spoon theory, but I haven't connected with it as much as some people have. Having ME for me is like being in a cage. It's like wearing weights everywhere you go. It's feeling like you've been hit by a truck. Everything you do hurts you sooner or later. But that's putting it lightly. If my life is a railroad, ME derailed the train completely. Everything I ever wanted to do, be, see, experience... it was all gone. All of my autonomy vanished.

These chronic conditions can look different for each individual. I've seen people who can't leave their bed, and I've seen people who are high function despite the pain, fatigue, and other symptoms they deal with. I myself fall on the more severe end of the spectrum. On a bad day, I lay in bed with my eyes closed and wait. All of my mental energy goes towards survival. Survival from debilitating pain. On good days, I get a few chores done and work on my artistic passions. It's all I can do.

But it's not just physical. Brain fog is another terrible symptom of ME that has altered my life irreparably. For me, it feels like I'm slowly losing my mind. It's like being an old phone that takes forever to load its applications, and often crashes in the process. Things I used to be good at, like memorization, improv, and especially reading, have become extremely difficult and exhausting.

This is why I say it feels like I'm in a cage. Between a dysfunctional body and mind, all I can do is exist. I can wait for a day when the fog clears a little, like today, and use the energy I have to try and be productive.

Sometimes it's exhausting to be positive, especially when things truly are not okay, and I think that's okay. I think it's okay to be upset by the hand you've been dealt, because it's not fair. It really isn't. I did everything right... and that's what's so tragic about this chronic illness. However, I hope that my words help someone feel seen, understood, and like they're not alone. Like even though things suck, we can live on. Because despite it all, there are things worth living for. I will not let ME kill me. I refuse.

[wjhik]

Like Before (Jude Bellingham) *Smut*

A/N: first smut

Y/N's POV:

I have some mixed emotions about tonight. Jude is taking me out for the first time since the birth of our baby, or I'm letting Jude take me out for the first time since I've given birth should I say. It's been 2 months since I've given birth to our beautiful baby boy. Jude has been trying to convince me to go out for the past two weeks. Postpartum depression has hit me like a truck. He's planned a fun night of clubbing and dancing and getting wasted with our friends. I haven't seen them since I gave birth. He's made me pump enough milk to feed the baby for the next two days, so I'm able to drink, even though I don't really want to. (anti fetal alcohol syndrome in tis house)

"Jude, do I really have to come? You go ahead. I'll stay home with the baby." I tell him, walking fresh out of the shower. "Jobe and mum are already on the way to watch him. Jobe told me he gave up a 'hot date' to watch the baby tonight. He would kill me if I canceled. Love, it'll be okay. You need to get out of the house." He tells me, looking up from his phone. He looks so good right now. His back is propped up on the headboard with his legs stretched out, crossed over each other. He finished his shower a little while before mine. He's only wearing his boxers and I can't help but look down. "Eyes are up here, love." He says, smirking at me. "Sorry." I say, embarrassed. I turn away from him, shielding my eyes. "Baby." He extends the end of his words. He gets up and puts a hand on my shoulder and turns me around. "You've seen everything." He says, bending his knees to get to eye level with me. My hormones have been all over the place, but I brush him off and start getting ready. Jude leaves the room to occupy the baby.

I sit down at my vanity and start getting ready. I start with my skincare. First, I apply my serums, moisturizer, then primer. I then put my foundation and blend it out. I put on some concealer to cover up my very sleep deprived eyes. I contour my face. My favorite part, blush. I apply a liquid blush to the high points of my cheeks. Now for powder. I use a translucent powder underneath my eyes and carve out my contour. Then I apply powder contour and powder blush, tracing over the places I put the liquid version of the product. I let it sit for a little, then I spray setting spray. I go in with my very sparkly highlighter. Now I do my eyes. I put on my mascara and falsies. I do a dark black smokey liner. That's what made me feel the sexiest before. Now I do my lips. I line them with a dark crimson liner, and then top it off with red lipstick. I look in the mirror and sadden. I used to feel like the prettiest girl in the world when I did this, now I feel more than horrid.

I decide to leave my hair natural, mainly because I don't think I physically have the energy to do my hair after doing my makeup for an hour and a half. I simply put my products in it and diffuse it, which in itself is a task, due to its length. I put on all of my jewelry and one of Jude's t-shirts. I know his mum and brother are coming home, so I choose one that's long enough to be decent. I hear the doorbell ring.

I walk outside to meet my mother and brother-in-law. I see Jude hugging them at the door and welcoming them in. "Hello, love!!" Denise says, excitedly. It's been a while since I've seen her. She knows what I was going through, so when she found out I was going out with Jude, she was thrilled. I pull her into a hug. I then move to hug Jobe. We make some small talk before I start running them through how to take care of the baby. I trust them, but I can't help but worry. I show Jobe and Denise where we keep everything, where the milk is, how to work our unnecessarily complicated changing table. As Jobe and Denise were talking and I was listening to their conversation, Jude whispers in my ear, "Why aren't you wearing that dress I got you?" He bought me a beautiful, long, black ysl dress. It has a square neckline and long sleeves. It hugs my figure, which is what I'm scared of. The last time I was seen in something like that was before my pregnancy. I worked hard  for the body I had back then, and I let it go. I deserve to let it go. I did have a baby, but the media has no mercy. "It's a bit much for your family, no?" I tell him. It's quite conservative, but it was the first excuse that came to mind. Jude made it a point to not take me too far out of my comfort zone. "You lot should get going." Jobe points out.

I go into my bedroom and change my dress and shoes. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My belly is sticking out. I'm trying to remind myself that this is normal. I brought life into this world. This is a sign of my baby boy. It's hard to keep yourself confident when all you are is 'Jude Bellingham's Fat Pregnant Wife', according to headlines. "Hey, mama." Jude wraps his arms around my waist, kissing my neck. "You look so beautiful." He rubs his hands over my belly. He knows what I'm thinking about without saying it. I interrupt his sweet nothing in my ears and say, "Are you sure we have to go out tonight?" Jude simply grabs my arms and pulls me out of the room. He picks up my phone and purse on the way out. He pushes me out the door. As he's pushing me through the house I hear a series of praises coming from his mum. These two know how to make a girl feel good.

We finally get to the club. Jude ushers me through the dance floor, up to the vip section, where our friends were. We greet them and I sit down with my girls. "So, how are you and Jude?" "I'm sure your sex is amazing. It's been so long for you two." "I'm sure hes been giving it to you good lately." These girls have been drinking. It's hard being the first to have kids in your friend group. "We haven't had sex yet." I tell them. "What?!" "Why?!" They ask me. "How can you have sex with a guy you feel like you don't deserve? I've put on so much weight since getting pregnant, and he's only gotten fitter." I confess to them. "Babes, are you joking?! If anything, you've only gotten sexier. You had his baby!!" One of them says. "Jude hasn't been able to keep his hands off you since you got pregnant. He's so in love with you. Everything your body has been through is because of him and his child. Do you know how sexy that is?" Another one chimes in. "By the way, you look incredible tonight. And if anything, Jude doesn't deserve YOU." Someone says. I can't help but hide my face in my arms and turn red. I don't deserve these girls. I just pull them all in a bear hug.

"Here ya go, love." Jude places a margarita on the table in front of me. "What's this?" I ask him, looking up. "A drink." He smiles at me and walks away, avoiding me denying it. I can't help but drink. Anyone from our group who sees me with an empty drink, will automatically refill it for me. What is happening?

I'm now very drunk. Jude is barely tipsy. "Dance with me?" Jude asks me. He sticks his hand out for me to take. I take his hand, too drunk to be conscious about how I'll look. Him and I are sensually dancing to the music. He's dancing up behind me with his hands on my waist. My hips are swaying to the beat. I slowly start grinding against him. Jude starts kissing my neck. I can feel the existing heat between my legs get even hotter. I turn around to face Jude. He kisses me. At first, it's a simple drunk, sloppy kiss, but it gradually develops into a sexy makeup session in the middle of a nightclub. "Remember when we used to do this every weekend?" I say between kisses, slurring my very intoxicated words. Jude simply moans into my mouth and continues kissing me. "Let's go home, love." Jude has booked a hotel for us to stay in tonight. He wants me to truly enjoy myself. He grabs my hand and drags me into his very fancy car.

(Smut)

Jude pushes me into our hotel room and pins me against the door. He's kissing me as he slots his knee in between my legs. I'm slowly grinding on him, trying to relive myself. He puts his hands on my ass, and slowly grabs it. He bends his knees and picks me up. He's walking me to our bedroom. "You're so beautiful." He says as he lays me down on the bed. "I love you." I say as he towers over me. He takes off his dress shirt and continues kissing me. His kisses have slowed down. He knows it's been a while. His fingers ghost over the side of my dress, where the zipper is. "Take it off." I say to him. He unzips my dress and slips it off. He looks down at my body. I'm wearing some black lingerie.

"Fuck, you're perfect." He says, kissing me. He's kissing down my body. He kisses the top of my breasts. His hands reach behind me and I arch my back up, allowing him to unclasp my bra. He takes it off my body and lightly sucks on my nipples. "Hey, that's for Y/S/N" I say to him, reminding him how drunk I am. He giggles at my state. "Fuck, Jude." I moan. My breasts are so sensitive. He moves down from my breast to my stomach. He leaves hickeys on me. He's obsessed with 'marking' me.

He moves down from my stomach to my sweet spot. Jude is kneeling over me. He's working his way up my leg, towards it. I see him getting hard. I gasp, and my body tenses, then relaxes, my head resting back on the pillow. "Oh, yes... just like that, Jude." I moan, pushing up against Jude. "I'm going to cum," I cry. "Go on then, baby. Cum on my tongue." He encourages me. He sticks 2 fingers inside me, and pushes them in and out of me. "Oh, fuck. Baby, I'm cumming." I say. Ecstasy washes over me and I buck up into Jude face. "Well, fuck." Jude says, giggling. "Oh, my god." I say, my chest heaving. Him and I are slowly giggling away. He comes up to my face and kisses me passionately.

"I don't know how much longer I can wait, baby. I want to feel you inside me." His face is a few inches away from mine, and staring deeply into my eyes. "Good, baby, I want that too." He says. He lowers his head, and kisses my lips. I wrap my arms around Jude's neck, pressing my body against his. I moan into his mouth. I feel myself pulsing. Jude shifts, getting into a better position over me.

"Please, baby. Please, fuck me. I need you so bad." I plead with him. He takes off the remaining of his clothes. His hard dick springs out of his boxers. I forgot how big he is. I am so terrified. How in fucks name did I take all of him? He's about to stick it in when I stop him. "Wait. Wait. Please go slow." I tell him, putting my hands on his lower stomach. "I'll be gentle, baby." He says as he slowly stretches me out. "Oh my fucking god..." I say, throwing my head back in the pillow. He leans down and kisses me as he pushes in deeper. He very slowly moves deeper and deeper. "Fuck. I forgot how tight you were." Jude says in a groan as he pushes all the way inside me. "Fuckk!!" I yell. He kisses my neck as he stays still. He looks at me for approval. "Move, please." I tell him, getting used to his size, but not fully. I don't think I can even get fully used to him. He starts fucking me just like how he used to. He pulls all the way about me and thrusts all the way back in at a painfully slow pace. "Please fuck me faster." I beg him. "Anything for you, love." He says, fucking me at an ungodly pace. "Baby, I think I'm going to cum." I say to him. It's been a while. I forgot how good he was at this. "Cum on my dick, baby. I just want to make you feel good." He encourages me, moving faster. I pull him in by his face and kiss his lips as I cum around him.

"I love you so much." He says kissing my forehead. We're laying together, watching a movie. I look up at him and kiss him. He's cuddling me and I'm in his shirt, like before. "I genuinely think you are the most beautiful woman on this planet." Jude goes on and on about how beautiful I am and how much he loves me until I fall asleep in his arms. Jude makes me feel so beautiful.

Wattpad: funkyfishfeet

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[starfirewildheart]

Chapter 17

Summary: Sy and his lady both retire from the army but not before tragedy befalls Sy. He slowly tries to adjust to life again on their ranch.

Pairing: Sy / OFC

Word count: 2,512

Rating: no one under 17. I'm not responsible for what you read. Kindly police yourself.

Chapter 17

August glanced over his shoulder into the back seat. Three weeks and two surgeries later the hospital finally agreed to let Debbie go home. She still had a long road ahead and it still didn't guarantee a full recovery and her anxiety was through the roof at times and at other times was so depressed she was nearly catatonic and a few normal days scattered in between. She was refusing to eat and in general sulking like a brat. Sy hoped getting her home would help.

Mike had been released after a week and a half. Walt had taken custody of him and Napoleon and Will were staying with them as security until everyone was jailed, including the corrupt cops. He was recovering physically but emotionally he was distant and shutting them out.

Geralt turned onto the long, tree lined drive admiring the land and imagining what it looked like in summer. He loved the country and a working ranch brought a warm feeling to his heart. He drove past the barns where a few work trucks sat along with ranch hands tending horses noting a beautiful chestnut mare before turning his attention back to the drive. Finally they pulled up in front of the large ranch style home and parked. Everyone got out, Sy helping Deb out and lifting her into his arms bridal style while Geralt and August got everyone's bags.

Deb took a deep breath of the fresh air ecstatic to smell anything besides anesthetic and medicinal scents that she'd been trapped in for weeks. 

“Where's Aika?” Deb asked, seeking out their furry friend. 

“She's with my sister and the kids. They are bringing her home tomorrow. “ He gently bounced her in his arms. “Where would ya like to get comfy sugar?” Sy asked as they all walked in. All the Christmas stuff was still up even though it was after Christmas now because they hadn't got to celebrate yet.

“Bath.”

 “Baby,” he started but was cut off. 

“Bath,” firmer.

“You want to wash off again?” He could see wanting to smell like their soap and not hospital bath in a bag shit so he started toward their ensuite bathroom. He sat her on the edge of the bed with her bad leg up and started gathering clean clothes for her.

“No Sy, a real bath.”

He turned to her. “You know you can't get your leg wet Deb. Your stitches could come apart or you could get an infection.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled.  “I don't care. I've not been in a bath or even a shower in three weeks!” When he arched his brow at her and crossed his arms over his chest she sighed and stood shakily on her good leg. “I'll do it myself!”

“Sit down!” He yelled and stepped forward. She sat down and blinked up at him with wide eyes. He hated yelling at her after all she'd been through but he refused to let her act out like that. “Little girl, you will not hurt yourself or cause any further injury just because you want to get your way.” He gripped her chin in his big hand and forced her to hold eye contact. “I'm gonna try to get you into the bathtub but if it doesn't work I will give you a sponge bath and you won't fight me on it. Got it?”

“Yes sir,” She agrees . “I'm sorry I yelled. I just feel so dirty and I haven't… I know I've been washed but I just

.. I still feel their hands on me and i…I just want to wash it all away.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead. 

Fifteen minutes later she was perched on the vanity in nothing but a shirt and bulky leg brace that went from her upper thigh to her ankle. 

Sy was filling the tub with water when something hit him in the back of the head. “Woman,” he turned to face her, suddenly realizing it was her shirt she'd thrown and she was now sitting on the vanity completely naked. “Fuck,” he rasped all blood flow in his body going straight to his dick. 

“I hope so,” She grinned,  crooking her finger and beckoning him to her. When he was close enough she fisted his shirt and pressed their mouths together in a heated kiss. Sy pressed against her, hooking her good leg over his hip and she felt him pulsing against her through his cargo pants. Tears brimmed in her eyes.

“Are you hurting?” He asked as he wiped a tear away with his thumb.

She shook her head , eyes locked with his while she tried to get her emotions under control enough to speak. Swallowing past the huge lump in her throat she pressed her hand to his bulge rubbing it and relishing in his sharp intake of air. “You still want me.”

“What? Of course I want you Deb. You're my life.” He didn't understand how that could even be a question but he could see the doubt in her eyes. “Debbie?”

“I just,” She didn't know how to express how she felt. Like she couldn't form the words much less say them. “I…”

“Talk to me darlin’, please.”

“Sy, the water,” She pointed to the nearly overflowing tub.

“Fuck!” he ran over and shut the water off just before it spilled over the edge of the tub. He laughed but drained enough of the water that she could get in without it pouring on the floor then went back to her. Cupping her face in his hands he leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. “Please talk to me. Don't shut me out Deb. I know you remember the hell we both went through when I tried to hide my thoughts from you. I was lost in my own hell and putting you through it too. We promised to tell each other everything after that, remember?”

She knew exactly what he was talking about. When he was recovering from his POW time he felt like he was too much, not worth the work, or the love she had for him and he tried everything he could to make her leave him but she refused. It nearly broke them both. “i..I'm not the one for you. Not your soul mate anyway. You're settling for me because I'm safe and comfortable.”

Sy felt like someone punched a fist into his chest and was crushing his heart. “You're my world Debbie, my heart, my everything. I'm sorry if I haven't shown you what you mean to me. Please, give me a chance to….”

“Austin, no! It's not that at all. You treat me like a queen and I know that you love me!” She hugged him tight. “This isn't about anything you've done or not done. It's about me. It's about me not being enough. I mean family is everything to you and your mom hates me. I turned your dream ranch into an animal rescue because I needed to feel like I was doing something helpful. I just latched on to you and didn't even notice that you weren't settling down or or ,” he head was pounding.

“That I haven't given you a ring so you couldn't possibly be what makes me happy? Isn't that what Lindy told you that night at the restaurant?” When he watched her he'd dip down because she couldn't look at him he gritted his teeth. “I haven't given you the ring yet because I wanted to be sure I could be the man you deserve,  that I could overcome the PTSD enough to give you a life, sugar. It has everything to do with you but not how you're thinking. I was so afraid of not being good enough I didn't show you how much I can't live without you.”

She shook her head, “No. It's not your..”

“We both said that but clearly there is a problem, sugar because you are doubting us.”

“Doubting me,” She explained quietly.

Realization washed over him and it all became crystal clear. She'd been his rock for so long he'd forgotten how she was when they first met. The chip she had on her shoulder because she felt like she had to prove she was good enough, that she could be the best at everything. He took it as a woman having to prove herself in a man's military at first but the more he was around her he realized that she was afraid to let anyone close, trusted no one to even have her six. She lived like she herself was the only one in the world she could trust or depend on. It led to a lot of being reprimanded, write ups, push ups, pull ups, and finally a talking to that finally made her see thongs from Sy's point of view about having to trust her team or they were all in danger. That was when he really started trying to get to know her in earnest, when he eventually learned about her abuse and abandonment. She'd come so far and he'd been through so much that he didn't realize she needed reassurance he wasn't giving her. He was a fucking moron. 

She gasped when Sy grabbed her face and kissed her and didn't stop until her tense muscles finally relaxed against him and she was breathless. She didn't even register him removing the leg brace until he was lowering her into the hot water, careful to keep her bad leg resting on the side of the tub. She sighed contentedly as she leaned back. Sy chuckled, “Feel good?”

“So good!” 

They both jumped at the knock on the bathroom door. Sy stood and went to see who it was.

“Your sister is here,” Geralt told him. “She needs to talk to you.”

“I'll be right there,” he sighed. He went back to Deb. “You stay put. If you aren't in the same position you are now when I get back I'm going to spank you until you can't sit and when that ass starts to cool down and feel better then I'm going to do it all over again and again until I feel like you learned your lesson and if I get tired I'll let Gearlt and August takeover.”

She fully intended to protest but what came out of her was more of a strangled whimper. He cleared his throat to hide his chuckle.  “I'll be good, I promise.”

“I know you will, sugar.” 

Sy went to speak to his sister and Debbie soaked in her hot bath. She sat still for a bit but really wanted to wash. Chewing her lip she pondered if grabbing the soap would be against the rules. Stretching her arm out she reached the soap without moving her butt at all and took it as a victory. Lathering up her bath puff she started washing herself. Once she felt squeaky clean she grabbed her razor and started shaving … everywhere. After three weeks she resembled a sasquatch except the leg and arm (shoulder) they'd done surgery on. When that was done she settled for a few minutes but quickly got bored, she was all alone after all. “Oooo jets!” Pressing the button the jacuzzi jets bubbled to life and massaged her sore muscles only with her bad leg up at an awkward angle it exposed her to the full force of the jets causing her to jerk and gasp. The pain that shot though her leg was almost instantly replaced with need as she used her finger to further expose her clit to the jet. Using her other hand she slipped two fingers into her slit working them hard and fast chasing the pleasure she didn't realize she needed so badly. Turning her body a little toward the side of the tub the jet hit the perfect spot and even though she couldn't reach the spot inside due to her awkward positioning the jet was doing the trick. Her hips slowly started to flutter as she threw her head back and whimpered through her release moving her hand away from exposing her clit as the pulse of the jet became uncomfortable. She hadn't noticed Sy come back in or even approach until she felt his fingers pushing into her still quivering hole. “Fuck!” She squealed at the stretch and shock of it.

He lifted her ass up out of the water enough to latch his mouth onto her clit and switch between sucking and licking until he'd made her cum two more times, the last time screaming out his name with a series of loud moans.

Sy got her out of the tub and carried her straight to the bed. It was tall enough that he could just bend her over the edge, carefully resting her bad leg out to the side up on the bed leaving her open to his hungry gaze. “You ready for me sugar? Gonna take my dick like a good girl?”

“Please,” he begged, trying to rub her ass back against him. She gasped when his big hand smacked against her ass leaving a burning ache in its wake.

“Be still, your brace is still off. You're in trouble as it is, little girl.” He grinned when she went still, knowing she was thinking about the spanking he told her she'd get if she moved earlier. He took the distraction to push himself in up to the hilt causing them both to moan at the sensation. “So fuckin tight for me, like your made to fit my dick.”

All she could do was moan incoherently as he railed her from behind, each thrust causing her to gasp as he pounded against her cervix. It was painful but the pull out and push in up to that point was bliss. She was losing the battle of control over her body and clamped down on him as tight as she could, wanting to give him some of the pleasure he'd Given her.

“Son of a bitch,” he growled as she squeezed him so tight he thought his brain was coming out of his cock. Reaching under her he started rubbing her clit. “Cum for me. I want to feel you come apart when I fill you full of cum.” A few more circles to her bundle of nerves and she was rutting between his cock and fingers.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” She cried as she exploded around him and he emptied inside of her, the wet squelching sound of their combined releases echoing in the room as he collapsed breathlessly beside her.

Tag List

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[theriverbeyond]

i’m really loving seeing your t updates :,) pls keep it coming !!! say more!!!! what else!!!

AWWW thanks :') this is so sweet. well. I've only told 2 people IRL I've started T and none of them have specifically noticed any changes and also no one who I havent told has made any comments so like, I feel like as much as I DO feel like I'm being hit my a truck (positive) I feel like it's mostly internal?

Which I say as a positive statement honestly. Like the strongest positive force that HRT has given me thus far is internal, but 1) I live in here so that's fine by me and 2) "other people notice/treat me differently" isn't in any of my HRT goals and is in fact perhaps somewhat of an anti-goal. I'm not a dude I'm a dyke, pronouns are contextual (thank u Leslie Fienberg), and I've been varying levels of socially transitioned (for whatever that is worth as a nonbinary person) for... shit, 10 years now? oh my god. time is wild.

anyway I may have lost the plot with this answer but I do feel like I'm the hottest person alive rn (I was aflicted by this condition perhaps 72 hours ago) which is definitely T related and also extremely wild considering, as stated before, I really havent changed at all physically and also my uh, very bad body image track record. So that is extremely fun.... we shall see how it progresses. kill the part of you that wants to be a twink and embrace freedom and joy

[lutawolf]

The Sign Commentary Review Ep 5

I'm going to link to my episode 3 commentary because I gave a lot of Thailand mythology information. While I will be watching the show for the first time now and giving you my commentary. I've been Ask a question that gave me heads up that a lot of mythology will show up in this episode. So let's go!

We start the series off with this guy who has a Naga back tat. Then we see the front with him dripping water down himself. I got to hand it to Saint, he really knows how to visually stimulate. Is he the killer?

Are we really gonna ignore that Tharn sees visions? 2. Phaya has gotten his period. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants the love of their life thinking they're crazy, but this has the hallmark of hormonal rage versus righteous anger. Maybe the lack of sleep is starting to get to him. 3. Where do we stand with the physical assault? Do we label this domestic or everyone else feeling that maybe something is off here? Like when a werewolf gets all testosterone before their first change. I mean, you can literally see the freak-out in his face after he realized he has hit Tharn. Which honestly makes me feel better.

Oh, so we now understand why Tharn saw the female and how she relates. And Yai proves once again just how special he is. He really put on that clown mask. That's just wrong.

There are two! Honestly, didn't see that coming. Ahh, well now it's more understandable why they were getting their ass kicked. It's Wit.

I mean, I'm having a hard time caring that he might be killed. Just go ahead and let him go. Tharn sees him getting hit by a truck. I'm so okay with that.

I mean, I get the logic of no vigilante justice. But... People who sexually assault rarely deal with serious consequences. Only about 6% of Sexual Offenders ever serve a day in jail. If an assault is reported (this is rare due to fear factors), there is a 50% chance of an arrest. If an arrest is made, there is an 80% chance of prosecution. If there is a prosecution, there is only a 58% chance of conviction. If convicted, there is only a 16% chance that they will go to prison.

Well, that was therapeutic. The parental guidance warning made me chuckle.

They found him! Now I'm nervous! Ahhh, don't save him Tharn, go save Phaya. Don't judge me, people. I'm a little blood thirty when it comes to this.

A Naga. Not good. He is using his power for the fight, and it looks like it's overpowering Tharn's. Surprisingly, Phaya is keeping pace though, despite the break out of power. Well, until he gets a rope wrapped around him, that is. I was in full support of you dude until you started hurting Phaya and Tharn. Now ya gotta go.

Shit! A lot happened fast!

Tharn steps in front of Phaya and gets stabbed. You can tell from home dudes face that he had never meant to actually hurt Tharn. Which means he knows he is a fellow Naga. Then why is he okay with hurting Phaya? Then we see combined powers. Both Phaya's and Tharn, with Tharn's being green, which is Naga colors. Golden red is a distinct color clue.

Garuda: Is a mythical bird-man creature that is the half sibling to the nage, but they are sworn enemies. The feud started when both he Garuda's mother and Nagas' mother married the same husband. The husband gave each wife one wish. The Nagas' mother asked for a thousand children, while Garuda's mother wished for two children superior to the Naga. The feud grew until Garuda's mother lost a bet ad became the servant of the Nagas' mother. Eventually she was freed, but her children swore vengeance.

The Garuda represents royalty, strength, and divine knowledge. With its fierce loyalty and warrior nature, the Garuda serves a protective function. It adorns shields, swords, and armor as a guardian symbol. The Garuda’s golden wings are believed to shine light on the darkness of evil and ignorance.

Soooo, right now I'm thinking our Phaya is a Garuda. It also explains why in their past life he rejected Tharn for being a Naga. There are some stories of Naga and Garuda that aren't enemy, though. These few stories are about devote Buddhist Nagas and as protectors of the faith, Garudas are unable to kill these particular Nagas.

Poor Phaya is flipping out while Tharn is very calm. You can literally watch Phaya's brain go into a "does not compute point." All because Tharn is glad his is safe and gently wipes his face. It's a stark contrast to the violence that Phaya has been giving him. This whole thing cools him down in the same way that a bucket of cold water would. Despite others showing up, they cling to each other.

Tharn is now cleaned up and very calm. Meanwhile, his other half is losing his shit. Dragging him away to try and get some answers. Finally, some much-needed communication and touchy-feely. I love the way Tharn looks at Phaya when he asks him not to leave him.

Look, he is all soft and gooey like a chocolate chip cookie. He might be talking about work, but his body language is saying something else. This boy is clearly touched, starved. Ahhh, I'm getting all the feels with this scene.

The nurses pausing and kind of turning back to them and then them breaking apart. Hahahaha!

This cute little micro smile. It means everything to have cleared things up with Phaya.

Guys... Someone on this show is an actual survivor. Cause this shit is too accurate. Yeah, they could have talked to a survivor but add it with other things, it's there. This is someone's therapeutic art. The writer? The scriptwriter? I haven't read the book, so I don't know.

Ohhhh, we're digging into his parent's case now.

Phaya staying the night with Tharn again. Slumber party! Yes, you absolutely should play a game of Doctor. Silly boy, he is cute though.

Oh! Another dream. Damn it! I want the real deal but... I mean, at least they are feeding us something. At least the dreams tell us that these boys clearly want each other. Oh, a daydream. Damn boy. Keep it together 🤣🤣🤣 He's trying so hard. I'm dead. I love these two. He is planning ahead, telling Yai to bring him lots of clothes. He'll probably have to crash there more in the future.

But nope, it's the stupid doctor. Who is clearly some kind of naga since Phaya's touch bothers him. He gives a strong kickback. So as I mentioned earlier, Garuda can't harm followers of Buddhism, but they can and will harm those that worship the serpent.

Nobody is buying your shit Phaya, but I'm with you on saying what ever you got to. This dude is creepy. He feels like he owns Tharn and I wanna know why. And we're playing doctor again! Which ends in cuddle time. OMG, I love Phaya so much. That is the fastest count to three that I've ever heard. Love it! Touch starved, Tharn is very handsy when he is sleeping. Phaya does not appear to mind.

Too cute!!!

Apparently, all that love goes out the window when he wakes up. 🤣🤣🤣

Ummm, home dude might be your adoptive dad, but he isn't a cop. Stop talking shop!

The precepts are rules or guidelines to develop mind and character to make progress on the path to enlightenment… The first precept consists of a prohibition of killing, both humans and all animals. The second precept prohibits theft and related activities such as fraud and forgery. The third precept refers to sexual misconduct, and has been defined with terms such as sexual responsibility and long-term commitment. The fourth precept involves falsehood spoken or committed to by action, as well as malicious speech, harsh speech and gossip. The fifth precept prohibits intoxication through alcohol, drugs, or other means.

Damn, Phaya over here tattling. Oh, no! Grandma is sick! Ha, he was tricked.

He is a cop. Of course, it's dangerous. This is why I'm oh so excited that two of my kids want to go into law enforcement. (said in complete sarcasm.) We do a tight focus of the eagle, he has wings on his back. I'm really thinking I'm right here. Damn, he is obsessed.

There is past life Tharn. Water and sky, the places where their other half reside. And there he is. Ahh, I get more and more excited with each one. I can't wait. 💜💜💜

[givesupp]

The Ones Who Live (episode 4 spoilers)

My head feels like it's going to implode in on me and I just need to vomit my thoughts somewhere before it does. I remember hearing about the The Walking Dead (literally everyone and their mother was talking about it). I remember never wanting to watch it because it was SO popular and I've never been a huge fan of watching anything while it was still going live and everyone was into it. I'm weird IDK.

I had just finished up another TV series and was feeling empty, as one usually does and just wanted to dive into a new series. I chose The Walking Dead, finally deciding to give it a chance. I binged the first 4 seasons on Netflix and as I was doing this, it was literally becoming life saving. Only a few short years prior to starting the series I had just started dealing with severe depression. It was crippling. IYKYK. And to make a long story short, falling in love with this show, falling in love with Rick Grimes gave me something to hold on to.

'It's just a show' - this has been said to me many times. But it's not just a show to me. It's a lifeline. Its taking an inspiring moment and grabbing it with the only strength you have left and burning it into your head because if they can do it you can do it. You'll think about it the next time you feel like you can't get out of bed because there just isn't a point. It's taking a character and watching him fight for his sons life while everyone around belittles his character as a father and leader and using that the next time you feel like your chest is about to cave in from the sheer force of anxiety that just hit you like a mack truck. And you think about this character persevering while you sit in the corner of your bathroom floor with a cold rag on your face just simply trying to breathe.

So many examples, so many moments TWD has breathed life back into me when nothing else could.

And then Richonne.

RICHONNE.

Oh my god, what a fucking absolute treasure to emerge from this series. The slowburn of it, the showcasing of patience and friendship, love and trust and overcoming loss and hardships - together.

Finding your person. Camaraderie. True, real love. A soulmate. This? Despite loss, death at the hands of others, death at the hands of your own, tragedy, hopelessness, mental illness, losing your child? I can't even find words to express what Rick and Michonne mean to me separately, but as a couple? I am unable to express in words because it just would not do justice to what they actually represent to me in my own personal life.

Nearly a month ago we were given The Ones Who Live episode 1. And I remember watching that and having to physically remove myself from my home, go outside, sit down on the ground and reflect while sun soaking near a river. That's how blown away I was over the writing, the story, the emotions centered around this character that I have watched and grown to love over years.

Episode 4? EPISODE 4 is a fucking WELLSPRING of emotions, struggle with mental wellness, disagreement, unconditional love, immense hurt, understanding and patience. A relationship struggling to be what it was, if not anything at all. A broken man and a broken woman. A son, who has DIED years ago still finding a way to be the one who brings his parents back together. Who brings strength to his dad even after all this time...

Carl placed in the palm of his fathers hand as a sketch on a broken phone breathing life back into him. This, from his wife. Finding a way to save him. Giving him a sense of purpose, meaning back to him after he declared his own death not that long ago because he could not and does not ever want to live without her.

You cannot tell me that this show isn't important.

That it isn't life saving.

That it isn't at the very least forcing us to reflect and discuss and acknowledge our own lives, our own relationships, our own mental health, our own circumstances, our -

No.

This isn't just a show to me.

Thanks for reading my vomit novel.

[wachtelspinat]

hi! i found your blog like an hour ago (though i've been familiar with your art for a /long/ time; when i read that ask you got earlier about you being THE tf2 artist, i thought to myself, "wow, really? the only tf2 art i can think of that's deserving of that description is [vividly pictures YOUR fanart]" -- so when i checked your art tag it was genuinely like encountering a celebrity, heh. all this to say, you really ARE The TF2 Artist. it's an honor to finally properly follow your blog :]). i've been reading your posts about your personal journeys (both physical and emotional/self-conceptual) and i've just been... really really moved by it all? your openness with feeling disconnected with your art, and then how you've slowly come to reconnect with it in a new way and restructure it back into your life... it just fills me with so much catharsis and hope. because life is hectic and things change so much and the way that one creates art as an adult is going to be different than how one created art as a teenager... so to see you acknowledge that fact and then share your own journey? ahh god like i said... it's really profound. i'm a lot younger than you (i turn 20 next month, actually!), so you've experienced so much more to life than me, and hearing how you've struggled with and then gotten out of so many of the fears that i have is just... deeply, deeply inspiring to me. especially your latest posts about your time in australia, and how it's always been something you've wanted to do but spent so many years stuck/anxious/stagnant... and how now you've finally actually *done it* and it's *real* and that you had the most amazing incredible time that exceeded all your expectations?!?! and not only that, but how finally achieving this thing you've always wanted changes the narrative of how you previously defined yourself... that now maybe you ARE the sort of person who can do the things you love and have the things that make you happy... maybe i'm projecting too much here heh god but my point is. it just made me very emotional and so VERY very utterly elated for you :'] and just augh. i am so glad you've had this incredible experience. and like i've said half a dozen times by now (because it's just so true) it is just. so inspiring to me. everything you've shared with such honesty and humanity has been just so profoundly moving to see and it fills me with so much hope. thank you for sharing your journey with us, and thank you as always, past and present and future, for your art. i hope this message isn't too terribly parasocial, and if it is, i apologize ;_; and i hope you're having a lovely day!!!

hey there !

this kind of hit me like a truck but in the most positive way, and i am not exaggerating when i say what you wrote also brought me to tears.

first of all thanks for your generous words regarding my art and sdkjfhkjas i still cannot wrap my head around the idea that you (and at least one other person) thinks about me as THE tf2 artist because... i like my art just fine, it's just there are other folks out there, with their almost god-like tf2 art, meanwhile i just spammed y'all with my sniperxspy art and some random silly stuff over the years... but i love it, so thank you so so much, the thought that you guys dig my art this much will always knock me right off my feet in the most positive way 🧡🧡🧡

ok so, the next part took me a while to formulate because how do i respond to such a heartfelt message in a way that shows my gratitude just right? like i want to thank you again for reaching out and writing all this, but also for taking your time and reading through my blog. i know that everything i post here is open to the internet and a lot of ppl, so sharing personal information (in form of updates in life) is not always the best idea. but i always admired ppl on here that were able to reflect on their lives and share what they've learned. even if it's just somethig as simple as "and after each day comes another and it will be different, for the worse or the better, but different at least", which, falling on the right ears at a specific time, can change perspective (it did for me on multiple occasions, this and other takes, because hearing from ppl who go through similar things is a sad reality, but also such a connecting experience). so in a way, sharing is caring, and so talking about life experiences, especially when they are kind of abstract, like art blocks, depressions, can really open some unexpected doors.

so what also happened after being open about vulnerable situations in life was ppl reaching out. and this was really something that left me so speechless. i had several ppl who took their time and wrote to me about their experiences and ways of coping strategies and other helpful actions. and sometimes they just acknowledged what i wrote which was such a warm gesture that made me feel seen. and i cannot put into words how much that meant to me when i felt at my lowest a few years back. let's be honest for a second, on here we hardly know each other, even if we are mutuals, but that doesn't stop us from reaching out to one another because that is such a big part of the human experience.

sorry for rambling but it is hard, at least for me, just trying to fully grasp it all. it makes me so happy to read that catching up on the things i wrote about my life resonated with you on a deeper level and that it gave you something back in exchange - catharsis and hope. i am deeply touched by your words and your ability to grasp the essence of what i tried to convey, it feels almost surreal to have it summarized and reflected so clearly when my original thoughts were scattered all over my blog over a span of multiple months, years even. like, really, thank you so much for all of this, the time and thoughts you put into your message, your genuine expression of your feelings and joy on my behalf, it means a lot and i fail to put my thanks into words, idk... i feel seen again. and no worries, i don't think this is too parasocial, after all i put my thoughts out there, and you just happened to read them 🧡

so again and again, thank you so much, and i also hope you have a lovely day <3

[aylacavebear]

Retribution Chapter 1

18+ for numerous reasons

Summary: You had DID for most of your life, over forty years, since you were two. It wasn't until after you were forty-three that you were finally able to heal it and become a singular. You're a hunter and have been with Dean for a very long time. Once you become singular, you have to face the horrors that your mental illness subjected on those you cared about, loved. Can you get past seeing yourself as worse than any monster you've ever hunted down?

Pairing is Dean Winchester x Reader/You

Warnings: Sexual Abuse (memories), Physical Abuse (memories), DID - Dissociation Identity Disorder (AKA MPD), Mental Health Issues, Alcoholism, Self-Deprecation, Thoughts of deserving to have it all done to "you".

Please, if you suffer from any mental illness, seek help. There are people out there who can help you get through it, no matter how alone you feel now or how hard it may seem.

A/N: This is going to be very dark, darker than anything I've written thus far. It will include many triggers - abuse both sexual and physical - in memories and what happens to the reader. I'm hoping it will have a happy ending but right now, I am not sure where this will go. This is your main warning before you begin reading. A/N: Dreams and Memories are indented in italics. Thoughts are in italics only.

Word Count: 1849

----------------------------------------- Chapter 1 - The Night You Run Away 

You had DID for most of your life, over forty years, since you were two. It wasn't until after you were forty-three that you were finally able to heal it and become a singular. 

The DID and having 42 personalities made life easy in some ways and horrible in others. Some personalities had valuable skills which helped while you took on cases and hunted down monsters. Other personalities were like scared children, hiding most of the time in the mind. Then there were the ones that partied after a successful hunt, taking the body on a ride that included whiskey, men, music, and sex. It was the ones who abused your partner, the man who loved you, that hurt more than anything. 

He was being sexually and physically abused by your personalities every night. Lashing out at him and him alone. He would tell you about it, but you had no memories at the time. It wasn't until after you became a singular that most of the memories hit you. 

You ran that night when the memories came, leaving the man you loved, as you couldn't face him, let alone face his brother. Not knowing what you know now. It hurt far too much, and you felt more like a monster than any monster you'd killed.

The roar of your truck's engine is the only sound echoing in your ears as horrible scenes played through your mind. Tears flowed from your eyes, threatening to blur your vision as you drove further away from the bunker and out of town.

You wanted to die for what you'd done while you had DID. The people your illness had hurt, had abused.

Your screams filled the cab of your truck as you stepped on the gas. You'd made sure to turn off the GPS on your phone before you had started driving so he couldn't track you down. He deserved better, and you knew it.

Somehow, you forced the tears to stop. You had to get as far away from him as possible. At the moment, it didn't matter that he hadn't handled things well when your personalities were abusive. He could have handled things differently in some cases. The thing driving you was that he never put his hands on you in retribution for what your personalities had done to him, and he'd never left, kicked you out, or cheated on you.

Sometime around four in the morning, you finally found a motel in a town far from the bunker, from him. After checking in, you walked to the corner store, purchased a couple bottles of whiskey, then locked yourself in your room, proceeding to drown yourself in alcohol. 

Your phone went off, but you'd ignored it for the umpteenth time. Half the first bottle was gone, and at this point, you were relatively drunk and hadn't stopped crying. An hour later, you'd cried yourself to sleep, which were filled with nightmares of what your personalities had done to the man you'd loved.

The room was dark, but you'd recognize the furnishings anywhere. It was the room the two of you shared. You were standing between the bed and the door in an invisible bubble.  On the bed, he was sleeping soundly, naked, like you both usually did after an intimate evening. You watched as your body on the bed next to him woke. It sat up, turning to him before slowly dancing its fingertips along his bare chest.  He let out a low moan, his body responding to their touch. At first, you watched in mild curiosity, but fear soon took over as they looked at you, smirking. They turned their attention back to his body, their hands moving down his chest, teasing along his inner thigh, then slowly jerking him off to get him hard.  You pounded your fists against the invisible bubble, screaming for them to stop, for him to wake up, for him not to touch them, but he couldn’t hear you. He didn’t wake, not from their touches. All you could do was watch as they climbed on top of him, lined his cock up with their entrance before slowly sliding down, taking him to his base.  They rode him, rocking their hips against his, grinding him deep inside them. You heard their orgasm hit them and watched as they rode it out. That was when he reached up and grabbed their hips, and the entire situation changed. A switch happened, causing another personality to come forward, now fighting an invisible attacker as they were thrown into some flashback you couldn’t see. They punched him in the face, getting off of him the moment he let go to cover his face. He was still partially asleep, though, as they shied away, trying to get to the far side of the bed in utter terror. He rolled to his side, trying to comfort them, but the moment he touched them again, they swung at him. He did block several hits, but they got several in, and you knew he’d have a black eye from all of it. They even brought a knee up, getting him in his stomach. You felt the tears fall down your cheeks as you hit your knees, sobbing, unable to stop what was happening in your nightmare, the memory replaying. 

Your eyelids felt heavy as you began waking up, not wanting to open your eyes. Again, your phone was vibrating on the night table. Another call you couldn’t answer. Slowly, you pulled yourself into a ball on the bed, feeling the burning of fresh tears as you opened your eyes.

“Noon…” you mumbled, glancing at the clock, not really caring.

There had to be a way to get through this, but you weren’t even sure where to start. You couldn’t understand why he’d stayed with you or kept you around, let alone love you with what your personalities had done to him. You also knew you couldn’t stay in one place too long. 

He deserves better. I’m a monster.

Somehow, you managed to get out of bed, grab your belongings, and leave. The brothers knew you well and your habits, at least when you had DID. Things were different now. You couldn’t go anywhere that anyone might know you, so you drove further north from where you were. 

At least by having their memories, you could avoid anywhere they would have gone. Sleazy motels were out, as were bars and small towns. You had no desire to go into another bar for the rest of your life due to the memories you now had. You couldn’t even count how many times your personalities had cheated on him, and that broke your heart into pieces.

“You need to get help, Y/N,” Sam argued with yet another personality. You were sitting in the library, reading a book, the personality in charge of driving the body doing the research needed for the next case. They didn’t even look up at him. “I’m busy doing the research for the case. I don’t have time to get help,” you replied nonchalantly. “It’s getting worse. He isn’t telling you everything anymore. This has got to stop, Y/N,” Sam continued, his tone stern and angry. “I don’t have any memories of the stuff he brings up-,” you began, still casually, but Sam cut you off. “Damnit, Y/N! Have you not seen the bruises? The black eyes, the split lips, the black and blues from you hitting him? Seriously?” he pushed angrily. That was when you stood up and got in his face, “Look, I don’t remember any of it. I don’t know how to stop it or do anything about it. I even tried sleeping in another room, and things still happened, according to him. What the hell do you want me to do about it?!” you growled at him, getting pissed. “Get some help, Y/N. Go see someone-,” Sam began, but you cut him off. “You mean admit myself to the mental hospital,” you began, but looking back on this memory, you saw it, the switch to a different personality, “If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. I don’t want him to get hurt because of me,” you said somewhat quietly as your entire demeanor changed. Sam sighed, seeing the switch as well, “That’s not what I meant. Neither of us wants you to leave. We just want you to get help for what you have.”

You felt the tears stream down your cheeks as you drove. There were so many memories like that now, where you could see the switches. Only now, there were the nightmares where the memories you didn’t want, tortured your mind.

When you reached the next motel, two states later, you began drinking again. They had both tried to call you numerous times, leaving you voice mails and text messages to call them. You couldn’t though, not now, not with what you’d done to them. Alcohol wasn’t the best option, but to you, it was better than being sober and crying.

How can either of them see me as anything other than a monster? How can I even see myself as anything other than a monster? Could I make up for what I did when I had DID? 

With that last thought, you remembered how when Dean had died and spent four months in hell, it was equivalent to forty years. Your eyes almost lit up at the thought of that. It was a bad idea, and if you were in your right mind, you might have been able to talk yourself out of it. It was worse than a bad idea. It was a horrible idea. The brothers would never have let you even consider this.

I can summon Crowley. I don’t need to die, do I? Would I have to die for the time thing to work? I could go to hell, have it all done to me. They would all get retribution that way. What I dished out when I had DID would be done to me tenfold. 

Your mind continued to wander along this thought process as you sipped the whiskey. That first bottle now almost gone, and you were quite drunk, again. At the moment, it made sense to you. In most cases, those who had been abused wanted their abuser to experience at least a fraction of what they’d done to the person abused. 

Perhaps Crowley could put my body on ice or something if he has to take my soul to hell for this. It would be poetic justice. This way, I’d be able to feel what they did. What would Crowley want in return? He’s always stuck to deals in the past.

The phone buzzing pulled you from your thoughts. It was him again. Just seeing his name brought fresh tears to your eyes, and you looked away from your phone. You barely finished the bottle of whiskey before you fell to your side onto the bed, passed out in a drunken, dreamless sleep.

----------------------------------------- Chapter 2 - Too Many Thoughts

Retribution Master List

Tag List: @jc-winchester

[disabled-dean]

Asterism of an F-Series Ford Pick Up- 17k

Now with BELOVED amv by @butch--dean 🖤

Summary: When you've been to hell, desire is isolating and ugly.

Or: Cas drives his truck for a case and Dean is exceptionally horny about it.

“Once on a hunt when he was a teenager, Dean had been caught too close to an explosive when it had gone off. There had been the moment when the projectile hit, and the moment when it had detonated. And just before it had, there had also been a moment when he had believed that maybe it wouldn’t.

He had thought about that moment for years, over and over again, until something else had taken its place. And the way that that moment was quiet, the way it was still- that is how this feels. To lie beside Cas in the bed of his truck, their shoulders barely touching.”

Follow @deancastruckwip for bonus content <3

Ten Minutes From Home [Lebanon Coda] WIP 48K

We've truly come a long way since the iconic:

"Physically restraining myself from writing a coda fic for Lebanon, where John stays over at the bunker, Cas comes home in the middle of the night & there's tension between him and Dean over whether or not they will still share a room, and then 29-year-old Mary has to sit through Thee most homophobic breakfast with her dead ex-husband, closeted son, and his common law married, ancient eldrich boyfriend."

This fic is a deep dive into some of the juicier elements of Lebanon, including- justice for Mary Winchester and her rich internal life, the intricate dance constructed around Dean's homosexuality and John's neglectful/abusive parenting and the impact of the Michael arc on Dean and Cas' relationship. Also features: recovering!alcoholic dean, a staggering amount of risky bunker sex, biblically accurate sibling interactions, and studies on objectification. Also Sam is practicing witchcraft as a treat, and I put that guy in eating disorder recovery (because he fucking needs it) <3

Haven't started posting this one! But you can follow @lebanon-wip for excerpts, inspo, and bonus content <3

An Easier Softer Way WIP 38k

Recovery!natural. Injured after the hell rescue goes wrong, Dean ends up disabled and living in a small rural town in Eastern Washington. With Sam fucked off to god knows where and without the fight to distract him, Dean has nothing left to focus on but his burgeoning sobriety, and persistent dreams of hell.

Set in the arid low-lands of the river valley, surrounded by apple orchards and twisting irrigation canals, Dean becomes convinced he can see a great beast stalking through the hills bordering the town. The same beast he has dreamt of since returning from hell, the same one he can sometimes feel beside him when he knows that he’s alone.

Walking the line between grief and reality, isolation and community, Dean has to pull together what's real and what isn't as he adjust to his disability, and finds faith that he is capable of building lasting relationships and creating a life for himself worth loving.

Also eventually Cas shows up, and they save the world.

He’s still debating just getting the fuck out of there when a women at the head of the long table clears her throat, and starts to read from a laminated print out. The edges of Dean’s vision blur out a little. He has to leave. He has to- the woman is still reading. Dean tunes back in in time to hear, “-At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not."  Here, the speaker pauses, and Dean feels like she looks right at him. But she doesn't. She just gives the laminated sheet a little shake, clears her throat and continues, "With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.” And no one could ever call him a coward. So he stays.

Honestly the most plot I've ever worked with (and very deeply personal) so this one could be a while. @aneasiersofterway for inspo, vibes, and bonus content.

[kevotsuka]

I want to hear more pregnant Bezz thoughts of yours. What's his pregnancy like? Cravings? Illness? What does he do most of the time? You mentioned he isolated himself, does he get sad when lonely? Does Pecco visit him and help him with stuff? Does Bezz attempt to remember who the father could be and contact him? How does Bezz feel isolating himself when he's usually a very social person? Any preg!bezz thoughts you have, I love your cute au 🩵🩵

ANON I'm sorry I'm so late but my head has lately decided go to a writing strike HSHSHSHS but I've been listening to Alejandra Guzman, Cristina Aguilera and RBD in loop and now I'm better

You have very VERY important questions.  Preg! Bezz has been spinning like a piece of spicy chicken in my brain and im go and talking to a bunch of moms to project my man into their problems wuwuwu

This answer is going to be too long and a mess, I'm so sorry orz orz orz

(and each pregnancy is completely unique. What is normal for one person may be a sign of absolute danger for another. Always remember to go to your trusted gynecologist/obstetrician!)

1. What's his pregnancy like? Cravings? Illness?

He craves Japanese food but is banned from sushi!  He is an unhappy Bezz when people told him that sushi is dangerous for the baby.  Beyond that, he doesn't really have food cravings, he just eats a lot (and then throws up because he feels guilty for eating so much. He has more problems with food than cravings. TCA/Eating Disorder Bezz is very personal to me- but it's going to therapy and continuing with a new nutritionist!)

About symptoms.  At first he thinks it's an asymptomatic pregnancy, and it's more like the pregnancy is camouflaging itself.

Like. He's throwing up his guts, but he think “its relates it to the end of the season and the stress causes that in him” (even though he's no longer in line for the championship) (and he's never thrown up from stress before).  He then feels fatigued and can't sleep, but that's all because he travels a lot, jet lag and all that.  He misses his dog and cries looking at his photos. He has belly cramps, but it's probably something he ate in the paddock when he had a sudden aversion to the smell of chicken and he couldn't eat anything from the hospitality.

On top of that, his painkillers are kicking him between physical therapy.

When the season ends and his body has a chance to catch up, all the symptoms hit him like a truck. Headaches, heartburn, constipation and generally the desire to die to end the torment of him. He is also bloated…? and feels like shit. The bug is charging for every fall he had at the end of the season, or at least that's what Bezz thinks as he gets up for the second time in the night to urinate at the end of the second trimester or when he has to drink his calcium-fortified milk -very expensive and he hates the taste-.  The bug is really demanding with they needs!

2. What does he do most of the time? You mentioned he isolated himself, does he get sad when lonely?

I said “practically vanished from the face of the earth.”  He wasn't really alone, he is a family man, and of course he returned to his childhood home!  His older sister was very happy for him!  (The youngest offered him a rue tea as soon as he mentioned that he are pregnant, before Marco clarified that he was going to keep it- wait “Laura, how do you know that these are abortifacients?” “Oh Marco, don't ask questions for which you don't want answers.")

 (i'm sorry i love his sisters so much hshshs)

But yeah, he feels so lonely because he went from spending almost all the time with his team or the people at the ranch, not just the other riders, and now is just his family and his new “medical crew” (obstetrician, psychologist, nutritionist).

Also, He is an unemployed man!  At least until Valentino calls him and tells him he has something for him to do at the academy (like Migno, lol)

He can't help in the mechanical workshop (although now that Vito goes to the races with him, I wonder what's happened with that), so he goes with his mom to do the administrative work.

 He hates it so much :)

Those first months are torture for him and his family. His two sisters capitulated as soon as they could and left (they have a life to, Marco!). When he's not helping his mom or learning to become expert in Excel, he's watching old seasons of MotoGP, F1, and NBA. He stays at home mostly. He gets in a bad mood about it, but he prefers it to having to face his friends :(

But he can now recite by heart the podiums of every MotoGP and F1 race from 2007 and 2008!

3. Does Pecco visit him and help him with stuff?

Yeah! Bezz calls Pecco to tell him because he knows he can't run away forever for his friends, but he calls him at week 15 which is a long time past the period for a termination of pregnancy (wait, are abortions even legal in Italy?).  He called pecco when he say himself “there is no turning back from this.”

 (He's a fool...)

Pecco, once he discovers that Bezz is no longer going to lock himself in and respond to his messages (although not those from the academy's WhatsApp group...), finds out his home address and appears from time to time to check on him and take him out to eat Japanese food (but not sushi :c).  He texts him constantly and listen to Marco when he calls him to tell him something about how horrible he feels and how none of the websites he's seen talk enough about back pain (they do, he doesn't really read a lot).

Bezz is also ignoring the absolute circus that is the 2024 season because he feels rubbish not being there, and Pecco is happy not to touch on the topic at all because talking about the season is talking about Martín and Márquez and no, thanks.

 Pecco invites himself to the baby reveal date in the obstetrician (Marco doesn't throw a reveal party, booo) and together they discover that the bug that Bezz is having will be a little boy.

It's Pecco who brings Luca and Franky when Bezz says he's ready to mention it to more people (after finding out the sex of the baby).  Luca is the obvious choice for everything and Franky is Franky, so he has to be there. And they go on a shopping trip - with Pecco’s bonus - so they don't have time to process anything at all.

Franky keeps trying to buy VR46-themed things (why are there so many?) while Luca asks the -no- innocent question of “who is the father?”

4. Does Bezz attempt to remember who the father could be and contact him?

NOW. THIS QUESTION.

Short answer: no :)

Long answer: To each person who asks, Bezz will say a very eloquent “I am the father of the baby :D”.  He admits that he had sex with a lot of people at that time and doesn't remember most of them, so it's not worth looking for the child's other father. The bug is his, he is carrying it in his body and they don't need anyone else.

REAL Answer: Marco absolutely has an idea who the father is and will DIE before telling anyone, not even his family.  He will take that secret to the grave.  When his little bug is born and grows with brown eyes and to have curly brown hair, no one will ask about it anymore.

(when the boy grows up to have blue eyes and straight hair, people have QUESTIONS. Marco is not answering.)

 SORRY IT'S SO LONG it's just- pregbez

[ferromagnetiic]

low activity / small semi-hiatus

// somewhat negative, bad physical/mental health talk under the read more.

yeah, i'm not doing okay at the moment at all. ( • ᴖ • ｡ )

hey guys, just wanted to pop in and post a quick ooc note to address the radio silence. winter is always a bad time for me in terms of both physical and mental health, and it's hitting me extra hard this year. i started going down with a lot of viruses in december, and i haven't really had any break between one illness before getting hit in the face with a new one— the latest being this horrible stomach bug i caught in the middle of january that’s taking forever to go.

needless to say, being this sick without a break is having a really averse effect on my mental state and depression has hit me like a truck and made everything worse, unfortunately.

i have SO many nice things to reply to and i feel bad that i'm taking such a long time to do anything; especially when i still have a whole bunch of incredibly sweet messages for kid's birthday sitting in my inbox. 💔 not to mention all the OTHER character birthdays that i DEFINITELY want to be writing things for in return as well!! (dw i haven’t forgotten anyone kiss kiss, kid’s gonna bother all your birthday babies whether they like it or not.)

i saw all the things people have tagged me in while i've been away and it cheered me up a lot. everyone is so lovely, and i’m so lucky to have such incredible friends.

thank you for being patient with me. i'm not making this into a formal hiatus or anything, i'll still be around liking stuff and sending stuff in when i can, i just thought i should post an update.

sorry for the ramble. love you all, miss you a lot!

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HI. GOOD EVENIBG. WE SHOULD TALK ABT TIDALWAVE!!!! we should talk about tidalwave. im thinking about them so hard & also pingponging btwn nebulous Them Thoughts & nhw virion (trying so hard 2 work on this damn fic!!!)...... we r in the centrifuge together. idk what it is abt sunday nights what do they put in them. anyway. holds microphone up. tidalwave..............

👉 go here. go in the centrifuge.

GOD. man. I'm like. i don't even know what to SAY about them. I'm just Thinking About Them u know?!?!?!?! like. they're in my mind. whats betta than this. guys bein dudes.

idfk I guess I will talk about nhw bc that's the context I've been thinking abt them the most in lately. god. not 2 talk abt my own fic forever and ever but smth that I'm rlly proud of/rlly hits me is like... the Moment where mark realizes the extent of what happened to him? like. he looks down at his hand and realizes he basically just stabbed himself with claws he didn't realize he had and his hand is too big and is scales and the reason he hasn't been able to stand is because he has like 10 lbs of extra tail weight and I think that all hits him like a truck and just. takes the fight out of him for a second . and that's the ONLY reason he lets tide sit him back down and bandage his hand. he doesn't Really need that, the cuts are shallow and by the time he sits down they've stopped bleeding anyway but he still sits through it bc it gives them both something solid and physical to focus on that isn't the billion other terrible things going on. I never think of tidalwave as being soft that feels too out of character for either of them but like. this is the closest they get to that. to me. Just like a second of quiet where . they're not talking about things they should be talking about but there's some sort of physicality nonetheless.... man.

also bc i love 2 talk about the unethical human experimentation. I love love love love giving tide the entire range of reactions to overlords shit. he gets to see Marie who seems to have basically lost all of her humanity and behaves more like an animal. to Marlon who is unresponsive and shut off and needs to be in basically a glorified fish bowl to function. to Ollie who is completely there mentally and very willing to cooperate and seems to be dealing with everything okay... but he can't communicate because of freak bug mouth. and i think he absorbs all of this information and internalizes it and when he looks at mark he can't help but wonder where he falls on that range . Mark doesn't seem like he's lashing out like a scared animal backed into a corner (at least. no more than usual) but the physical changes are There and Obvious and sometimes when he gets worked up his voice sounds like an alligator hissing (these videos are extremely good btw) so it's like.... what else changed. tide doesn't even KNOW about his vision yet. (<< authors note here like. I do think marks mannerisms will be different. not in huge ways. but the sensitivity to cold affects him wayyy more than he lets on. makes it harder to do things. which is not great for a guy who needs to be doing things constantly or else he'll explode! which makes him irritated by things more easily. I feel like he will have more of a tendency to snap at things whereas before he'd be content to just fume about them in silence. like when u see a snake call coiled up with its head back and u know it could either strike really fast or it's just trying to threaten you. or how like alligators seem like they should be really slow but then they can death roll and lunge and snap their heads around really fast. sorry i need 2 make that man animalistic or ill die)

canon tidalwave i need 2 know desperately how they got tides powers back. i know the most likely thing is that like. the depowering was just a mental block tide had to get over . but in my heart they went on a roadtrip. bizly please. i know you said tidalwave would never get married but that's okay they dont have to. they're already divorced. give me the road trip.