#Nothing wrong with it just don't remember that from back in the day
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â i need you to fill the void â
# summary; someone spoils your secret
# playlist; void, the neighbourhood, nothing's gonna hurt you baby, cigarettes after sex.
# word count; 1.2k
# note; freya, faith, and talia cameo, I didn't proofread and I hate this oops.
Have a wedding they said, it'll be fun they said. You can't name a time when you've been this stressed out and anxious in all your years of living. To make it even worse, the one person who could help you breathe through all of this wasn't going to able to see you for another three and a half hours.
Last night, for the sake of tradition, you slept without George for the first time in more than a year. He texted you about a thousand times after you finally fell asleep about how he couldn't wait to be tied to you for the rest of your lives, which meant you woke up in the best of moods despite the lack of his presence.
Keeping everything a secret wasn't hard, since everyone had done it before for Simon and Talia. Unfortunately, some people you thought you could trust with an invitation weren't the most reliable. Your friends were sat off to the side some snapping pictures of you and themselves, others scrolling social media. Freya gasps, she's unable to control the way her lips purse, and brows crease as she turns the volume of her phone down as quick as possible.
You're sat in a chair, your makeup artist hard at work. "Something wrong?" In the blink of an eye, the girls are all standing around Freya, staring at the screen in disbelief.
Talia chews at her bottom lip before speaking, "Y/N, sweetheart, I'm gonna show you something, but I want you to try not to freak out."
You swear you feel your throat begin to close at the slight waver in her voice, now it's your turn for your brows to knit together, "I'll try," you mumble, absentmindedly picking at your manicure.
She makes her way to you as slow as ever with Freya in tow with her phone, which she hands off to you after turning the volume back up, swiping up and back to the video to restart it. You recognize the username as a girl George had introduced you to a few months ago at the sidemen's anniversary party, you don't recall sending her an invitation...
The video begins with a screech from her, "Hi, guys! This get-ready with me is extra special, this time my friend George is getting married," you feel your stomach drop, cheeks warming as she talks about only being a plus one to someone whose name goes in one ear and straight out the other.
"This better be a fuckin' joke," bile begins to rise in your throat and tears threaten to melt away every bit of the 45 minutes spent on your nearly Pinterest-perfect makeup. When you click on the comments you notice there are some from mere seconds ago and steadily continue to pour in, you shake your head hoping someone will pinch you and wake you from this atrocious nightmare, "God, I really wish this was a joke," you whisper, your bottom lip trembling uncontrollably.
You look up at the girls around you as you slowly start to crumble under the weight of it all. Faith is typing away furiously, jamming her fingers against her phone screen, you hand Freya her phone back, wordlessly reaching for your own that was laying screen down on the vanity.
When the screen comes to life you see messages, notifications from dms, posts, and tweets you've been tagged in. Nothing really catches your eye aside from two missed calls from George and a few texts just under them.
my fiance đđ: call me when you see this please, darling
And you did exactly that. He answers on the first ring, his soft, accented voice filling your ear ripping another sob from your throat, "Y'alright, love?" He asks knowing the answer, hoping to god you weren't on tiktok to see what he'd seen a few minutes ago, but as you cry into the speaker he understands you have.
You shake your head, before remembering that he can't see your actions, "No," you croak, making him sigh and shake his head. This is your day and somehow someone's managed to ruin it for you.
To be completely honest, George couldn't care less about everything being secret, but all you wanted through the whole planning process was privacy, no huge party after the ceremony, nothing.
You didn't want to post anything until you were boarding the plane for your well-deserved nearly three-week honeymoon. And your fiance was more than happy to oblige.
"Can you come here? Please, I couldn't give two fucks about tradition, we're fuckin' tiktokers for god's sake." you pause a second until you hear shuffling on his end, followed by a snort. "I'm already outside, baby," you hear the smile in his voice, you keep your phone pressed to your ear with your shoulder.
When the door swings open, he's standing there looking so damn good in the suit you picked out together so many months ago and it makes you cry even harder, knowing how much of a snotty mess you probably look now all because everything not going the way you imagined.
He wraps you into his arms before you're able to say anything, breathing you in. "You look beautiful," he steps back from you keeping a comforting hand on your hip as he looks you up in down, "this satin?" He asks pinching at the material of your dressing gown, to which you simply nod, your throat still feeling tight.
Of course, he notices how much everything's eating you alive, "I handled it, sweetheart. I figured out who invited her, they know we don't think its a good idea for her to come," he gives you a reassuring squeeze, watching your face closely for any change of expression.
You pursed your lips taking a deep breath through your nose, "Thank you, I missed you so much," he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling, instead of responding immediately, he chose to envelope you into his arms. Your ear is pressed against his chest so close you can hear his heart thumping against his ribcage, "Missed you more, could hardly sleep without you."
This time when he pulls away, his hands cup your face, and his lips meet yours in what you swear is the best kiss you've ever had, he doesn't keep you like that for as long as you'd like, leaving you chasing after the feeling. He rests his forehead against yours and his hand slips from your cheek to your neck where he feels your pulse quicken.
He breathes you in, this time stepping back for real knowing the girls are waiting for you, "Now go get in the dress I've been hearing about for months, wanna hurry up and make you mine for life."
You smile, the first real one you've worn since reading his messages this morning, "So impatient," you mutter and he shakes his head, swatting at your bum, "I can show you impatient," he quirks a brow, his voice is laced with suggestiveness that's unmistakable
"Later," he raises his hands in surrender as you turn back to the door that's ajar, his hand catches your wrist, turning you around quicker than you could let a gasp escape you. His lips find yours once more and you exhale out of your nose, relaxing against him as he smiles against your mouth. "Now you're free to go," your fingers dance along your now tingling lips, as you watch him disappear down the hallway,
When you return to the girls you almost have forgotten the original situation at hand aside from the fact that maybe every little thing about him is the best.
#george clarke x reader#george clarkey x reader#george clarke fluff#george clarke imagine#george clarke#george clarkey#george clarke fics#arthur tv#chris md#italianbach
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"Yandere x reader twst characters!" "Yandere first years!"
No, I just want a twst au where the first years decide to test how far they can go with insanity with how many horrors they deal with in one school year. Yuu included.
Yuu should act like the leader they were meant to be instead of being just a background piece.
Ace may not have a UM of his own and constantly gets underestimated, but knows how to put his wits and misdirection to good use.
Deuce may be slow when it comes to learning new things and is trying his best to be an honor student to make his mom proud... But he now knows that an honor student doesn't have some other qualities of his and that it can help him in more ways than one.
Jack may be a person who follows his principles well, but maybe, a little bit of personal justice wouldn't hurt. Especially when it comes to his pack.
Epel isn't going back to his old days, he swears! Even if it is tempting sometimes. But ever since he finally started to understand what Vil meant after that conversation with Deuce from VDC, as well as some tips from Yuu... Playing the "poison apple" is quite satisfying once he got used to self-restraint.
Ortho might act optimistic and innocent most of the time because his personality was set to be that of a child, but he's also... very overprotective of those he considers family. He's constantly learning more about the world around him, which also extends to the people he surrounds himself with! So, he shouldn't have much of a problem with... terminating threats to those he cares about. The line between right and wrong is blurry in NRC, after all!
Of course, there's nothing like murder or anything like that!... But the psychological damage/reputation/injuries are enough to scar anyone who goes far enough to do anything funny is quite... unfortunate.
The best-case scenario is when you get spooked enough as a warning! But I don't recommend trying again though. :D
You don't want to be one of the people who are foolish enough to do the same despite having a clear mind, unlike those who Overblotted, do you?
I may or may have not randomly written this after remembering the english lyrics to this song exist.
#twisted wonderland#twst#twst yuu#ace trappola#deuce spade#jack howl#epel felmier#ortho shroud#twst first years#twst mc#firsties centric#twst traumatized first years#Insane firsties twst#im just craving more platonic yandere firsties content tbh#or just twst characters going insane#Crowley's danger levels ^^^#even tho they should've chosen a healthier way to release negative feelings from trauma#OB gang is excused via not dangering people as 'themselves' at the time#we need more of Ace getting his spotlight#Deuce is still best boi#just a bit more unhinged#Jack too tbh#does this count as horror au?#nah we're just ruining them psychologically#dunno what I could've done for Jack's part tho#Octavinelle if there were no shady dealings but just fear and silly hangouts#Spotify
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Memory of Dreary Days / Siffrin Gets An Earring
A @livesworthlivingau Side Story
It was a lovely autumn day, and Siffrin was miserable.
This wasn't anything new, they'd come to realize. The events of Dormont had changed - and possibly Changed - them, but that was months ago, a little over a year now. No, this frustration was newer, possibly the last few months, but they'd managed to identify it over time.
They watched Mirabelle and Isabeau, in front of them, chatting about what Changes they might want to make in the future. Isabeau had a whole list of ideas, but Mirabelle was being more cautious, as usual. Odile was watching and writing, and Bonbon, they were sitting on Nille's shoulders as both of them added their two coins when they had an idea. Leaving you, Siffrin the Traveler, as an outsider. Again.
It wasn't their fault, you knew it. You were empty inside, and this entire adventure you were on was to fill you. That was something the doctor had mentioned, that you seemed to agree withâŠYou didn't have a past, so they were making you one, because they wanted you to. So why were you being talked over, and around? Why were they treating you like a pet, not someone with their own ideas?
The only thing worse than knowing it was it being known, unfortunately. It seemed like they came to a pause in conversation, and Isabeau looked back as though remembering you existed after so long ignoring you.
"What about you, Sif? Got any ideas for big Changes?"
You could laugh. You could sob. You remembered being as large as the sky, and just as filled with stars. You pictured yourself, star-headed and lightless-skinned.
"I don't think so! That's a Vaugardian thing, isn't it?"
The words were more bitter than you imagined them to be, and the second they left your lips you knew that they were wrong. A second after, you told yourself otherwise. "Words can't be wrong", the doctor had said, "If you mean them. You're trying to express yourself, not win a game." Well, from the way everyone else's faces fell, that was good, because you'd have just lost hard.
"That doesn't mean you can't Change! There's Houses everywhere that will take you in and help you, too."
"Yes," Odile continued. "I've thought of using them myself, during my time here, but I never had time to stay in one place, what withâŠeverything."
"Really, madame? You're so pretty! What would you even change?"
And the conversation was off againâŠOdile explaining her heritage yet again, too-thick hair and too-wide eyes for ka bue, too-thin eyes and too-thin hair for Vaugarde. You wondered, sometimes, if Ka Buans had thought she was as pretty as Vaugardians do. You wonder, in the moment, if they'd bother talking to you again.
They hadn't.
You'd caught Isabeau looking over at you, with something more thoughtful than pity, but you could see the pity in it. Whatever he had in his mind, it wasn't enough to make him ask about anywhere else, or change the subject. Quietly, you thought about how much nicer it would've been if you'd just gone for a comfortable lie instead.
âŹâŹâŹ
It was a rainy, autumnal day, and Siffrin was bored.
It wasn't anyone's fault, everyone knew that was just what happened in Autumn. You found somewhere to stay until the rains ended, or you trudged through the worst mud that you could imagine. Bored or miserable, and to the family the choice was obvious. Siffrin had beenâŠletting themself think of them that way for a while, even without telling them. Their little secret. Maybe not their family, but they were the family, and nobody could blame him for that, right? Watching Mira read to Bonbon, watching Isa and Nille talking about, of all things, carpentry, and Madame writing in those inscrutable books of hers.
You hated it. You hated listening to it, you hated being part of it, and you hated being trapped in it. It was nothing like the loops, you knew, but it was almost worse in its way. Watching everyone else with a role, with something to do, and you off to the side like some pet. You'd already napped yourself dry, and nobody had begrudged you sleeping through breakfast, even if it meant you were likely to stay up well after the candles were out at night. But the rest of your dayâŠ
You sighed. Sitting there wasn't going to make you any happier, and you'd already looked at all of the books Mira had brought with her. You'd read through the horror stories until they started showing up in your dreams, when Mirabelle had banned you from reading any more of them because of how you'd been whimpering in your sleep. Isa had tried to defend your right to read, but the looks Odile had given him had made him blush in a peculiar way and stop trying, and that had been the end of it. The less said about the romances, the better. You understood that Vaugarde was an open place, but the things they dreamt up to keep two people from each other felt so cliched, so unreal, so impossible that you couldn't get into them.
So, you laid there, in a bed, in a wooden room, staring at the ceiling until the morning came.
How familiar.
That thought sent a shudder down your spine that you knew everyone noticed, but you got out of bed before any of them could comment on it. No, you were dealing with this. You weren't being dealt with, not this time. You hopped up, and walked over to Odile, who closed her book as you approached.
"What could you be writing down now?" you found it in you to ask. "Vaugardian rainy-day games? I thought you were a master at those." The joking tone managed to reach your voice, you thought, and you were glad for it.
"Oh, I wasn't writing at all. Believe it or not, I'm designing something."
"Designing?" The surprise in your voice was clear.
"Well yes. You have your woodcarvingâŠOr had it, when we were near forested areas enough to find scrapwood. Mirabelle has her writing. I thought I should perhaps try my hands at something creative."
"Oh, can I see?" This was WAY more interesting than laying in bed!
"If you can guess what it is, then yes. It wasn't fair that I didn't get to see your face when my research was revealed, after all." Her smile was coy and knowing, but she did, ultimately, have a point.
"Oh, is itâŠ" You looked around, trying to think of what could be in the room that she could draw inspiration from.
"Clothesmaking? Like Isa plans to?"
"Nice try, young one. But that's your one try for the day." Odile's eyes turned up as she thought about the idea. "Besides, do you think I'd compete with Isabeau? In something he's planned for that long?"
You had to concede the point.
âŹâŹâŹ
"Carpentry?"
"Can you imagine me swinging a hammer, Siffrin? I know my limits, and they stop well before there."
âŹâŹâŹ
"Bookbinding!" You thought for sure you had her on that one. Something to do with her precious books, and something she could study from Mira's colleciton and her own?
"Sadly, no. But, now that you mention it, maybe I should."
âŹâŹâŹ
So the days had passed, until things were clear again. The world was colder now, and you could feel it around your cloak, but everyone was well prepared for it. You'd all gotten your own instructions on what to purchase, and been sent off to pick up supplies, which had taken the whole day between bartering and transporting. Thakfully, without Mira there you managed to get a Savior of Vaugarde Discount, and used the extra coin to pick up a pain au chocolat. Some things, it seemed, were eternal, and this one you didn't mind.
So it was that you returned to the inn, one hand with a canvas bag full of smaller bags, spices and flour and other things for Bonbon, the other letting you munch away happily, but you found yourself pausing outside the door. Something was wrong, you could feel it. You finished your treat quickly, and opened the door with a hand on your dagger. A pre-feeling, something that you couldn't put words to, told you that there was something going on beyond the door
You were right.
But not how you thought.
Instead, the family had been standing around in a half-circle, seemingly waiting for you to get back! You barely had time to rescue the groceries as a Bonbon-shaped missile impacted your legs and held you, Mira following after on the other side and Nille even stepping in to ruffle your hair, as Odile looked on fondly, and IsaâŠHid something.
As lovely as the feeling was, your suspicions were raised far too high.
You managed a laugh, and to pull yourself free of the hug after enough time that it had started to loosen, before staring down Isa. Watching his cheeks darken was almost worth he price of admission, even as the others spoke around you. Again.
"I told you he'd notice!"
"You hardly had a better idea, Mirabelle."
"Uh-uh! We shoulda done it at dinner! Make sure he's comf-ta-bul."
"Comfortable, Boniface."
"That's what I said!"
It all flowed around you, as you stepped closer to Isa, and sighed. "I know what bonding earrings are, Isa." You allowed, holding out a hand, making him stutter even worse - and sending a roil of laughter around the room from everyone else.
That wasn't it? Then what was he hiding?"
"You're half right, I'm afraid. This is actually something we'd all been thinking about for a whileâŠThe past week just proved how important it was. It's not bonding earrings, butâŠ"
As Odile spoke, Isabeau brought a black jewelry box around, holding it out to you. His words were trembling and small, in the way he always seemed to do only for you. You wished he wouldn'tâŠhis big booming voice was always so nice.
"We noticed you don't have any earrings yourself, Sif! AndâŠI mean, you're as Vaugardian as any of us, if you want to be. Not that you should feel like you have to give anything up for us! But! I thought this mightâŠmake it easier to remember?"
WhatâŠwere they saying?
Isabeau opened the box, and instead of one of his black i-earrings like you'd expected, a pair of star-shaped earrings rested inside. They were a light shade, just dark enough to notice around your hair, and obviously handcrafted. The edges were imprecise, the designs weren't symmetrical, and you could feel the love in every angle.
You stared. You didn't know what else to do.
Isa was saying more things, and it sounded like other people were responding, but you lifted up a hand to the box. A shaking hand, you realized when it was halfway there. Trembling, uncertain, but you didn't dare stop now. Not when they'd put so much effort in.
"-know what I was working on, the past few days. It's something of a rush job and it shows, but it's even more Vaugardian to have it made by your family, isn't it?" Odile was speaking.
MadeâŠby your family.
Made by them.
You cried. You wrapped your arms around the giant body of Isabeau and you cried and you sobbed and you bawled and for once in your life, you weren't ashamed of a single sound you made. There wasn't any room for it in your heart. Not with everything else you were feeling.
Everyone else was holding you in moments. You turned, as best you could in the group hug, to include all of them. You knew you were getting tears and snot all over them and you didn't care. They were there. They were your family. TheyâŠYou were one of them.
In that moment, of all moments, you were loved.
#isat fanfic#lwlau#lives worth living au#lwl nille#lwl isabeau#isat#isat au#isat siffrin#isat mirabelle#isat isabeau#isat odile#lwl odile#isat bonnie#lwl bonnie
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professional help, finale. All's well what ends well.
simon riley x original character.
'Nothing's gonna hurt you, not while I'm around.'
'You know, I still think about that day a lot.'
'You do?'
He shifted beside her, making the covers shuffle and move on her body. He grabbed the hem of the sheet, pulling it on her naked shoulders, he knew she was always cold in the morning.
'Sometimes.'
She kept her eyes closed, she was still sleepy, and at the same time she didn't really want to remember. The fact that he still thought about that time frightened her. It was guilt, what she felt. He pulled a hair from the pillow, a long blonde curl, 'This yoursâŠ' He felt her cold feet trying to fit in the space between his calves, he welcomed them to warm them up.
Me and Simon never went on that date. I'm Alba, by the way. Me and Simon never went on that date, after the bar or whatever. A lot has changed since then and we really just forgot about it. You best believe we had other problems. If everything happens for a reason, I sometimes still struggle to see it. I lost everything. I lost everything and I don't know what I gained. Well, that's wrong, Simon's what I gained. Simon is all I have. I look back at who I was when this mess started, hell, I look back at who I was when I got my job as a therapist and I just⊠I don't recognise myself. Sometimes I envy the times when I was so clueless. Life's more painless for the brainless. Sometimes I even wish I could go back. Simon is the only real reason why I choose to stay. Simon is the reason why it all went to shit, really. Me and him, we played a pivotal role in each others lives, his life changed too when he met me. And when, well, the whole thing went down. The beginning of the end. Here's what happened that night.
We drank some more, I was tipsy and so was everyone. It was nearly two in the morning when Roman offered me a ride home. Truth be told, I don't really remember what I said, I have very little memories of that part of the night. I think I might have looked at Simon, who asked me if I needed a ride, if I drove there, to which I said no, that I was gonna get a cab. He spoke to me like the others weren't there, he spoke in a protective way. No way he was gonna let me get a cab, or go home with Roman for that matter. He claimed me. Roman didn't insist when I told him I was with Simon. We left together, as everyone suspected. They had been saying it since he walked in, they're gonna go home together. Nothing happened, if that's what you're thinking. I was way too drunk and he was respectful. He walked me to my door and said hi to the dog. I thanked him for the ride and he looked at me with those gentle, deep, brown eyes I love so much. He said to sleep tight, with a confidence he didn't have within himself at the bar. It made me giggle and I almost invited him to come inside and spend the night. I'm kinda glad I didn't.
'I don't like that you bring that up', she murmured, she turned her back to him, rolling to her side and hugging the pillow under her head. Embarrassed. He sighed, 'Why, cause you know you messed up?' She felt burning in her chest. She felt his arm, firmly wrapping around her waist, was like poison. A trap. She tried to resist his force, he pulled her towards him, his chest against her back, both arms around her to keep her in his warm embrace. One of his legs swung on her to keep her from escaping him, he was always afraid she wanted to run away from him. Even if he woke up beside her every day.
He told me everything that happened and how things went not long ago, I waited a year to know, maybe more. Again, a lot has happened, so we forgot about some parts of our story. He told me how happy he was and how weird he felt that night, driving to base. Good things didn't really happen to people like him, and I was a good thing. I was good, I treated him like he was good. He drove to base, went to bed and thought about me all night. He thought about our date, the dress I was going to wear, my eyes, my neck, the skin of my hands. He thought of us eating, talking, maybe bringing Jinx along with us. He fell asleep wondering where to go with me, he hoped to dream about me in his bed. Silly.
She huffed and whined at him, trying to free herself from his grasp. 'Where you going?' He whispered and she scratched his arm. 'You're always wrong.' She commented. They had that talk a million times, he never failed to make her feel miserable. 'You're selfish.' He pinned her down in a swift motion, his body on top of hers, one hand brushing her hair away from her face. Her breasts were pressed against his chest, out of habit, she had spread her legs to welcome him. Her feet rested on his calves. 'I'm selfish because I love you'. He nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent. She circled his shoulders with her arms. 'You would have done the same thing, if not worse.' She pushed him back away from her, her hands pressed as firmly as she could on his pecs. He was smiling.
The day after, he woke up groggy from the alcohol. He told me he couldn't be bothered with the briefing for the next mission and debated skipping it. His mind was somewhere else. Little did he know. Ruining his mood, that is the thing I'm most sorry for. I like my man happy. He sat down in a room full of soldiers, Price in front of them, his computer screen projected in the wall like he had prepared some kind of presentation. He told me the captain looked tense, or rather sad. It was a day he never really thought would come, he had news he didn't really want to share, or believe. Seeing him like this, made his heartbeat increase, he started to sweat. Something was going on.
'I would have done worse, yesâŠ' His words were spoken into her cheek, he left a trail of wet kisses on her jawline, making her sigh loudly, her legs firmly wrapped around his waist 'âŠyou broke my heart.' She scoffed and let her hand travel down his back, scratching the skin of his lumbar muscles, 'So dramaticâŠ' He cradled her face with his hands, forcing her to look at him. He liked teasing her about that time, and he knew how bad she felt. It was cause he craved reassurance that she would never do anything like it, ever again.
'Sit down, please.' He felt his palms sweaty, he felt a sense of discomfort. 'We had aâŠ', even the captain, he was struggling to find the words, he looked unease. What in the world was going onâŠ
'We're talking mafia. Uhm⊠Italian mafia, from Naples. It's called Camorra, I believe.' He stopped to check some papers, 'Laswell and Shepherd have been keeping an eye on a specific clan from over there, they're dealing with prostitution and drug trafficking.' He sighed. This was no normal mission. He tuned towards his laptop, an image appeared on the wall behind the captain. A woman, in her fifties. She had blonde hair, she wore glasses, she had a stern and serious expression on her face. In the picture, she looked out a window into a busy street. She had blue eyes and a roman nose. 'This is Tania Dalla Rocca, she runs the Dalla Rocca family. In Italy, especially in the south, they have very patriarchal families, but her husband, the ex leader, died in prison. She's been in control of the business for over twenty years.' He went back to the laptop and a new image appeared. A man, maybe his age, a dark brown buzzcut. 'This is Carmine Caserano, he runs the opposing clan. They've been fighting with the Della Roccas for decades, over businesses, neighbourhoods⊠They're eternal enemies.' He cleared his voice. Simon began to feel a stinging pain in his left temple. 'We're in charge of dismantling both families, essentially.' He let his eyes wander inside the room and Simon could swear he let his gaze linger on him for a few seconds. Pitiful. I'm sorry, son. 'They've been in contact with Italian-American immigrants for a while and the situation is escalating quickly, they're terrorising citizens, we're gonna work with Italian special forces in Naples and try to solve the situation.' '
'What situation?' someone asked. He could not turn his head to look at who spoke, he was frozen in his chair.
'So⊠someone in the Dalla Rocca family is responsible for a⊠an accident, back in 2013. Explosives inside a car. One of the Caseranos died.' He was about to click on the laptop again, but stopped. 'The Caseranos, the other family, is moving for revenge, they want control over the territory, sure, but more than anything they want revenge. Many innocent lives are at stake.'
'So, are we protecting the other family? And the terrorist?'
Price shook his head. 'No one is worth protecting. No one is innocent over there. It's incarceration or death, for all of them. And the⊠terrorist, what she is is a terrorist, is someone many of you know, I'm afraid.'
Her eyelashes fluttered, a small whimper escaping from her parted lips. 'You broke my heart, Eva', he murmured into her mouth, he licked her lower lip, feeling her soft hand cupping his cheek. She replied by taking his face in her hands and kissing him softly, pulling him down towards her.
A click of the keyboard, a new picture appeared on the wall. As he leaned foreword, to better see the image, the ringing in his ears was becoming almost painful. He didn't need to lean in, he could see me perfectly. A young Jude was painted in the wall behind Price. My eyes, my mouth, the bridge of my nose, it was definitely me, younger and angrier. 'She's not even 18 in this picture'. Price's voice mixed with the murmuring and chatting of Simon's colleagues, who had recognised the girl on the screen. The terrorist.
She brushed her thumb over his lower lip, he kissed her hand and then her mouth again. His arms kept her still, his hand pressed firmly on her hipbone, scorching hot.
He felt like throwing up. He felt like an idiot. Like a fly in a spider's net, I had tricked him and everyone else into believing I was someone else, Alba. Him specifically, my special Simon. Without saying a word, Price skipped to the next picture. It was a classified FBI file. His eyes scanned the file, reading through the mountains of lies I had told him, reading the truth. The whole truth. He was being set up, it could not be real. His head was throbbing, his blood cold. It had to be a joke, a sick, sick joke.
His hips aligned with hers, he drank the soft gasp that left her lips when she felt him slip inside her.
'This is Eva. Jude. Some of you know her as Alba'. Price gave him a quick look, but he wasn't paying attention. His eyes felt like they were burning thought the wall. Eva. 'The woman I showed you earlierâŠ' That's her mother, he thought. 'âŠThat's Eva's mother.' No⊠That's Alba, no? No, Eva. Eva Dalla Rocca, I wasn't born in the UK, I was born and raised in Southern Italy, by one of the most influential clans in Naples. I have a sister, I had a brother. 'She was hired here and given a fake identity, under the condition of cutting all ties and contact with her familyâŠ' Price went on. Eva. Not Alba, not just a therapist, what? Eva. Southern Italy, the fucking mafia? Naples, moved away when I was 18 after a major attack that let to the death of an infant, he read. My Alba? How? An attack? How? Why? It couldn't be, it had to⊠it had to be a mistake, I was with him the night before, so pretty, so sweet, I held his hand...
Her nails pressed on the flesh of his back and shoulders, while he rocked his hips foreword. Opening his eyes, he took in the sight of her, curled against him, clinging to him like she was afraid he was gonna vanish like a fever dream. Her brows furrowed, mouth agape sucking in a breath. He saw her in that state every single night, and yet it never failed to make him dizzy, the amount of pleasure he was able to make her feel. The necklace he bought her fell in the middle of her chest, a blue stone shining in the morning light.
'Since she broke no contact yesterday night, we have every reason to believe she's going back to her roots, possibly helping out her family. She's our first target.' Eva. Terrorist. He had just asked the terrorist on a date. Broke no contact, I was a criminal. I was hired and given a fake identity. Eva was hired and became Alba. Eva. God help him, so many lies, and he believed. Every. Single. Word.
He leaned down close, desperate to feel more of her, everything. It was never enough, he was never close enough, always needed more. She raised her hips from the mattress, reaching for him. He allowed himself to relax and lay his head beside her on the pillow. She had one arm around his neck, one hand pressed on his chest. Left side, his heart. 'Scusami', he said in her mother tongue. His hips lazily grinding against her, he moaned her name into her neck repeatedly like he was praying. Her legs straddled his hips, she was shaking.
'I'm sorry to everyone who considered her a friend.'
This is what happens when you let your guard down. Now Simon, Ghost, wasn't good with feelings, but he sure was good at war. Next target, did the captain say? Target. A job. Terrorist. Consider it done, then. War was what I wanted, war was what I was created for. Well, so was Simon. War was what he would bring me.
This is what happens when you let your guard down, this is what gets people heartbroken, killed, fooled, this is what happens to people like him. Betrayed. By me of all people, his sweet angel. It was absurd, but he let me do this, he gave me permission to ruin eveything, deep down it was his own fault.
Such an idiot.
On top of him, she intertwined her fingers with his, pinning his arms to the mattress, stretching them above his head. Her movements against him were erratic and desperate, back and forth, he whimpered like he was crying. Making him feel so good, it was her way of saying she was sorry. She kissed his eyes, she kissed his cheek and his mouth. She created a world from scratch just for him, a world where he was only hers, every hour of every day. Hers to love, to take care of. She reminded him every day, he was hers forever. He was safe everyday. Nothing's gonna hurt you. Not while I'm around. When his hands were freed, he circled her back with his strong arms, needed to feel her at all times, her belly pressed against him, her ribcage, her breasts. She run her hands through his hair that were starting to stick with sweat. âSei lâamore della mia vitaâ she whispered, like a hymnal. He believed her. He couldn't possibly do any different.
notes: happy professional help finale! I started writing this series after thinking about it a lot, I am new to all this. I wrote at least 27 chapters before even publishing the introduction, over a year ago. I am very very happy to have continued this project to the point of finishing part one. I still have a lot in mind and a lot of things that I want to explore with my characters. thank you so so much to all of you that liked, reblogged and commented such sweet things!! I really appreciate it so so much and I hope you'll continue to love Alba, or better, Eva and Simon as much as I love them.
I'm gonna go back to writing!
enjoy!
mare.
taglist:
@random-fandom-smoothie
@ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess
@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut
@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight
@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me @asteriadisera
#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#cod mw2#ghost fanfiction#call of duty#cod modern warfare#cod fic#cod 141#task force 141#tf 141#ghost simon riley#ghost mw2#gaz call of duty#call of duty mw3#ghost call of duty#call of duty modern warfare#modern warefare ii#modern warfare#taskforce 141#johnny soap mactavish#john soap mactavish#captain price#simon riley call of duty
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i think about ur piece with shadow captioned âwelcome to the promised landâ ALOT⊠with that, i wondered what your thoughts are on the sonic movies (both the ones that came out and the new one thats coming) in regards to their portrayal of the police/military/GUN.
Iâm personally really disappointed in whats been done so far (with Tom being a cop, like cmon man what. and with the goofy portrayal of the military, especially that old general guy in the second movie) and im really nervous about whats coming, with team sonic working WITH GUN (and now Tom and Maddie wearing military uniforms) in the trailers. I have a suspicion that Mariaâs death will be an âaccidentâ, like a very MCU style âsometimes the military makes mistakesâŠâ bullshit. itd really suck to see this series become another piece of copaganda, especially since like. its so out of character, like sonic is unique in the way its been blatantly anti military (for the most part) in the games. it wasnât revolutionary by any means but it is arguably a core part of the original story.
What are your thoughts? sorry for the long ask, Iâm a big fan of your writing and thoughts on sonic (huge heart of a monster fan!). Hope youre having a good day!
big same. I've made the comic in question as a response to the first trailer for sonic 3 actually.
the trailer made me feel a LOT of emotions, mostly negative if im honest, and the only thing that I liked from it was the scene of shadow bursting from his tank thing and being sloppin wet that looked like he was standing in the rain. so i went and made a comic of shadow in the rain. and i made it as anti military and anti capitalism as i could.
becasue sonic 3's marketing, in my opinion, especially after the second trailer came out, is a perfect axample of everything wrong with the current western (mostly USA, but the USA influences the entire world so.) society. it exemplifies capitalism, militarism, consumerism, a lack of emotional depth and the infantalization as well as mliking (for a lack of better word; i mean how advertizements are usually heavily marketed at kids because parents will buy anyhting to shut up their crying annoying meat bags and therefore spend money on shit they dont want nor need) of children (that detective pikachu bit was so painful). and let's not forget the fatphobia. it was so painful to go back and watch the first trailer to freshen my memory for this reply oh god.
when sonic 2 came out i was really happy with the movie. i think sonic 2 is miles better than 1 in terms of characters and fun, most obviously because there's more of actual sonic characters in it now then the first. the first felt mostly like a pilot honestly. the second one had much more fantastical details and elements thatreally leaned into sonic's world. Or at least... the environment artists tried with it. I remember being OBSESSED with the fact tehre was a mural of perfect chaos in that labyrinth for like 1 second and theorized about what it could mean. while watching the movie i even speculated it was foreshadowing that perfect chaos was gonna be the secret final boss of the movie as that was only the halfway point of the runtime. having sobered from the hype i understand its a neat detail from the cg department that means absolutely nothing.
the worst thing is that the movie (sonic 3 now) itself might be like. a well made movie with good (enough) writing and good visuals and whatever. sonic might betray the military and go his own way bc here he's a little younger and he's learning (he didnt grow up w military so he might be blissfull yunaware bc hes only been fed propaganda through hollywood movies so far) and him meeting shadow and learning about his fate might change his mind. we don't know yet.
The marketing sometimes is detatched from the movie itself so it'll misrepresent things for the sake of "bait" to get ppl to spend money to watch it (the teenage kraken movie suffered from that bc it was fun imo i liked it). Or even just to get people to make viral reactions to get even MORE news of the movie out and attract more people. Especially when adapting a story that already exists I think it makes them reveal a LOT of the movie (I saw ppl complain they reveal the entire movie in the trailer, i think given the fact we already know all those key moments shown it's fine)
actually. does anyone know if the us army funded this movie? i know it does a lot of movies ever since iron man
idek where im going w this rn im just. eghh.... def not gonna see it in cinema â„ my money goes towards literally anything else
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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long theoretical post about my friend hugging me
like. to dissect a matter that none of you are involved in and then i'll delete in the morning: my friend in college hugged me about ten minutes ago and i don't understand why. he's a physically affectionate person so we knew it was bound to happen, it was a running joke between us that we'd like schedule our hug to happen. nothing extraordinary happened tonight. in the second half -- which is when i spent the most time with him -- i was so fucked up that i barely processed what was going on? i was listening to what he was telling me, he just rambled about stuff, and it's interesting and i could recite all of it if asked and the expression he made at each part, but there was absolutely nothing in my head. and he never asked if i was okay which i think he would have if he thought something was wrong, because he's done that before. and we were alone so he could have and there would have been zero consequences. but he didn't ask me what was wrong, so it's hard to assume that the hug was for emotional consolation reasons. he wouldn't have noticed me on the brink of tears, either, he's not that observant. i would have known if he had. and i didn't do anything truly kind to him today, i listened to him talk about his interests and we hung out for a while, but that's what we do all the time. nothing happened. there was the chair thing but i thought i played that off well, i tried to have a coherent narrative about it an hour later too so he would guess what i had hoped, and i think i was successful. he wasn't distressed, i would have known. and he was tired but he's been tired a lot before and he's never acted like this. so he had zero reason to hug me unless he maybe sensed that this entire time i just really fucking wanted him to hug me, but he wouldn't have, and i would never have voiced that, because i don't want him to see me at that level. but i needed that hug badly. and i don't understand why i received it.
#nightmare.personal#neg#he's the easiest person to be around i think. because there are a lot of conversation topics to have#and i understand the way his mind ticks pretty well at this point#that's going to change in spring semester. maybe. which is going to really suck. but it'll be okay.#nothing i offered him would differ from what anyone could give him is the issue#i'm really good at that. you don't really need to have a ton of anything to listen to people#it's just listening. and yeah i guess people are bad at that? but like.#i don't know. he could talk to literally anyone else. all of them could talk to literally anyone else and they actively do#part of my brain is trying to rationalize myself into calming down but the other half is the one i want to indulge because#fuck. fuck. i can't do this forever.#like someday i have to snap right. i can't keep doing this. it's like a time loop.#this always happens and i only vaguely remember tomorrow but it'll happen two days after and it'll be bad#and i will always want to crack under pressure but never do#and if nothing's wrong with me why the hell am i like this?#i wish he didn't hug me. i should have got my book and fucking left.#i only waited because i was getting the book back from his roommate who was off calling his girlfriend#but honestly. that guy even though he's my friend. if he saw me crying he'd do nothing#because i don't think he would care even slightly. we're good friends now i'd say. he would not care.#at least this happened in a pretty way. that's something huh.
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One of these days Iâm gonna suck up enough courage to put random-ass BL boys on my F/O list and then weâre ALL going to be sorry
#YES this is about Otsu Manly Appetites I am STEALING HIM#don't get me wrong I ALSO love Mingishi he's so unnormal but that's DIFFERENT#Also I can't spell his fucking name to save my life it would simply never work#but ALSO it's about this big crybaby guy#Tomoki from Melt at Night (very hardcore shit I am a degenerate at times I will admit)#But he's SO FUCKING CUTE MY GOD!!!!!! STEALING HIM!!!!#I have others they're just really hard to remember the names of because I'll read the whole series all in one night#And my brain is bunk#The day I put a random ass Boy's Love man on my F/O list is the day I've finally gone off the deep end#I will never return to the light when it finally happens#For now I'm safe but like...... eventually..........#This is such a genuinely cringe post but look man BL is like my Destresser when Regression doesn't work or I don't have TIME for it#I can either become a Toddler and watch Horror or I can sit with Koro and read about two dudes (usually) fucking really hard#I am Asexual and get nothing out of that part btw I'm not actually a degenerate I just like Gay Men as a Gay Men#I'm getting. Worse.#I should delete all these tags but I'm not going to I suppose this is the life I'm making for myself at 1:30am on a Saturday Morning#Alright back to Boy's Love
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tw child death tw harm to pregnant people
#so after 5 years of searching i found someone who was working on the car crash i was witness and did first aid at when i was pregnant#a lady who was also pregnant and about as far along as me probably further was crushed by falling debris#she was a pedestrian and a driver fainted in his car accelerated and crashed through several pedestrian spaces and then metal beams fell#i knew she lived as far as ICU but i don't know what came after that#and i kept searching for someone who could tell me whether her child pulled through#well i found someone yesterday and it's not the happy ending i kept wishing for#the baby was emergency delivered right at the ER trauma room back then like 5 minutes from the ambulance arriving and loading her#but had to be declared dead right there#and i always kind of knew this was the outcome because i remember asking at the hospital even tho obviously they weren't allowed to tell me#but when they said the good things they were allowed to they all got a thousand yard stare#so since that day i knew that her baby died and mine lived#but having confirmation from someone who was there is still. sigh.#it's good to have no hypotheticals anymore tho i think it will help me get closure#i wish her child could have lived too#she'd done nothing wrong but be at the 'wrong' spot in a pedestrian space at that time. there's no reason and no meaning.#there's no meaning to human suffering. suffering is just suffering. it's always a bad thing period.#ah man sorry to throw trauma at y'all#it's unlikely anyone here remembers. i did blog about it back then. and it was what made me change career to EMT#i guess it's good to know in a way that even if i *had* been an EMT back then there was nothing in human hands to save her baby#nobody could do it#there is patients you cannot save no matter what and it's not a failure on your part#we are all humans with the good and the bad and the strengths and the limitations#so that's my musings#it's good to finally know for sure after all this time searching but it's also hard#ah what a downer story in the morning#the man who was next to her was fine#it's so unfair and meaningless#gotta work harder on easing this unfair and meaningless suffering#child death cw#harm to pregnant people cw
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A pro-Palestine Jew on tiktok asked those of us who were raised pro-Israel, what got us to change our minds on Palestine. I made a video to answer (with my voice, not my face), and a few people watched it and found some value in it. I'm putting this here too. I communicate through text better than voice.
So I feel repetitive for saying this at this point, but I grew up in the West Bank settlements. I wrote this post to give an example of the extent to which Palestinians are dehumanized there.
Where I live now, I meet Palestinians in day to day life. Israeli Arab citizens living their lives. In the West Bank, it was nothing like that. Over there, I only saw them through the electric fence, and the hostility between us and Palestinians was tangible.
When you're a child being brought into the situation, you don't experience the context, you don't experience the history, you don't know why they're hostile to you. You just feel "these people hate me, they don't want me to exist." And that bubble was my reality. So when I was taught in school that everything we did was in self defense, that our military is special and uniquely ethical because it's the only defensive military in the world - that made sense to me. It slotted neatly into the reality I knew.
One of the first things to burst the bubble for me was when I spoke to an old Israeli man and he was talking about his trauma from battle. I don't remember what he said, but it hit me wrong. It conflicted with the history as I understood it. So I was a bit desperate to make it make sense again, and I said, "But everything we did was in self defense, right?"
He kinda looked at me, couldn't understand at all why I was upset, and he went, "We destroyed whole villages. Of course we did. It was war, that's what you do."
And that casual "of course" stuck with me. I had to look into it more.
I couldn't look at more accurate history, and not at accounts by Palestinians, I was too primed against these sources to trust them. The community I grew up in had an anti-intellectual element to it where scholars weren't trusted about things like this.
So what really solidified this for me, was seeing Palestinian culture.
Because part of the story that Israel tells us to justify everything, is that Palestinians are not a distinct group of people, they're just Arabs. They belong to the nations around us. They insist on being here because they want to deny us a homeland. The Palestinian identity exists to hurt us. This, because the idea of displacing them and taking over their lands doesn't sound like stealing, if this was never theirs and they're only pretending because they want to deprive us.
But then foods, dances, clothing, embroidery, the Palestinian dialect. These things are history. They don't pop into existence just because you hate Jews and they're trying to move here. How gorgeous is the Palestinian thobe? How stunning is tatreez in general? And when I saw specific patterns belonging to different regions of Palestine?
All of these painted for me a rich shared life of a group of people, and countered the narrative that the Palestininian identity was fabricated to hurt us. It taught me that, whatever we call them, whatever they call themselves, they have a history in this land, they have a right to it, they have a connection to it that we can't override with our own.
I started having conversations with leftist friends. Confronting the fact that the borders of the occupied territories are arbitrary and every Israeli city was taken from them. In one of those conversations, I was encouraged to rethink how I imagine peace.
This also goes back to schooling. Because they drilled into us, we're the ones who want peace, they're the ones who keep fighting, they're just so dedicated to death and killing and they won't leave us alone.
In high school, we had a stadium event with a speaker who was telling us about a person who defected from Hamas, converted to Christianity and became a Shin Bet agent. Pretty sure you can read this in the book "Son of Hamas." A lot of my friends read the book, I didn't read it, I only know what I was told in that lecture. I guess they couldn't risk us missing out on the indoctrination if we chose not to read it.
One of the things they told us was how he thought, we've been fighting with them for so long, Israelis must have a culture around the glorification of violence. And he looked for that in music. He looked for songs about war. And for a while he just couldn't find any, but when he did, he translated it more fully, and he found out the song was about an end to wars. And this, according to the story as I was told it, was one of the things that convinced him. If you know know the current trending Israeli "war anthem," you know this flimsy reasoning doesn't work.
Back then, my friend encouraged me to think more critically about how we as Israelis envision peace, as the absence of resistance. And how self-centered it is. They can be suffering under our occupation, but as long as it doesn't reach us, that's called peace. So of course we want it and they don't.
Unless we're willing to work to change the situation entirely, our calls for peace are just "please stop fighting back against the harm we cause you."
In this video, Shlomo Yitzchak shares how he changed his mind. His story is much more interesting than mine, and he's much more eloquent telling it. He mentions how he was taught to fear Palestinians. An automatic thought, "If I go with you, you'll kill me." I was taught this too. I was taught that, if I'm in a taxi, I should be looking at the driver's name. And if that name is Arab, I should watch the road and the route he's taking, to be prepared in case he wants to take me somewhere to kill me. Just a random person trying to work. For years it stayed a habit, I'd automatically look at the driver's name. Even after knowing that I want to align myself with liberation, justice, and equality. It was a process of unlearning.
On October, not long after the current escalation of violence, I had to take a taxi again. A Jewish driver stopped and told me he'll take me, "so an Arab doesn't get you." Israeli Jews are so comfortable saying things like this to each other. My neighbors discussed a Palestinian employee, with one saying "We should tell him not to come anymore, that we want to hire a Jew." The second answered, "No, he'll say it's discrimination," like it would be so ridiculous of him. And the first just shrugged, "So we don't have to tell him why." They didn't go through with it, but they were so casual about this conversation.
In the Torah, we're told to treat those who are foreign to us well, because we know what it's like to be the foreigner. Fighting back against oppression is the natural human thing to do. We know it because we lived it. And as soon as I looked at things from this angle, it wasn't really a choice of what to support.
#riki babbles#I had this in my drafts for ages and I was like 'not the time' but a friend encouraged me to share so here it is#palestine
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For the rare coherent, rational thought: it's pretty unlikely this is actually about him or even me. He's sure as fuck not helpin but it's just a smokescreen.
#i started spiralin pretty suddenly at almost two weeks since any interaction w/ him & w/ seemingly no trigger#unless we look outside the system. cause it woulda been a couple of days after we broached some things in therapy#n i don't know what it means but i don't like it#was just the general topic too close n triggered some kinda emergency protocols? we've mentioned it before w/ no issues#or was it that what we've assumed to be basically just speculation w/ nothing tangible is closer to the truth than we think#we can't assume anything til we have either smth tangible or actually remember things but#it's all blocked away#what changed? would pointing fingers at the wrong person have caused this too?#is someone tryin to tell us smth or is this a sign to back off?#we can't keep backin off forever we can't fucking live like this but idk what we need to do to get past that block#n i know we can't go digging it just triggers more defenses n doesn't even work#but it's driving me fucking insane#i keep wanting to watch some specific movies or shows to see if it'd trigger a memory but i know that's not even remotely safe#i don't know what to fucking do#do i ignore it? obsessing over the same things over n over helps no one but i got nothin else to go on from#some things in val that we don't.....recognize. it's not rly source him it's none of the other people he introjected things from#it's no one we remember. who is it? do we even wanna remember?#cause sometimes i look at the shit i say n see the trauma holder who Knows the one who can't tell n only talked about it once#something we're replaying just w/ a different cast#who's feelings are these? whose words is he repeating?#n then we have the fucking dreams we never talk about but idk if that's just cause we think about it so much#is it just all of the shit mashed together or is it a memory#or more just fragments of one anyway#spdrvent
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"you what?"
á„«áĄTheodore Nott x F!Readerá„«áĄ
summary: accidentally drinking a lust potion, you asked your best friend Theo for help.
warning: smut, cursing, unprotected sex, size kink maybe? cream pie.
word count: 2.4k
18+only; minors donât interact
âYou what?â Theoâs eyes widened, you wanted him to do what? He wasnât sure if this was a dream or not but if it was he didnât want to wake up
Earlier that day , you had accidentally drank a lust potion.Â
How, you might ask?
Well the boys (Enzo/ Mattheo) thought it would be funny to prank Draco by giving him a lust potion as payback for pranking them earlier that week
At lunch the 2 boys were there first, taking their usual spots they slip the potion to a bottle of Draco's favorite drink and placing it on the spot were Draco usually sits
One by one the group gets to the table ,leaving you and Draco left.Â
Soon both of you walk in, but you seem to be in a rush
âSorry guys I canât stay and chat, I have to get back to studying, iâm just here to get some food to eat while studyingâ grabbing random things and the only drink you see left, you quickly stuff it in your purse
âWait y/n!â Enzo saying frantically, giving Matt a worried look
You look up at Enzo as you start to zip up your bag. âYeah?âÂ
âWe were actually saving that for Draco, um- were having practice later and thatâs his favoriteâ
âOmg Iâm so sorry! Here-â as your opening you bag Draco comes behind you , going to sit downÂ
âI actually got my own drink, y/n can have itâ Dracos says while pulling out his drink from his bag,
Enzoâs and Mattheosâs eye widen.
âI- um, but we got it for youâ Matt says with a bit of a shaky voiceÂ
âIts fine, I donât need itâ as he waves his drink showing the 2 boys
âBut-âÂ
âOmg thank you Draco, I really have to go now guys see you laterâ you say as you're walking away before the boys have a chance to take away the drink.
Both Enzo and Matt try to call you back but youâre already gone, both freaking out inside. praying you don't find out what they did.
While studying in your dorm you couldnât focus for more than 10 seconds. Thinking you might just be tired from all the studying you took a break. Getting up from your desk you head towards your bed. Laying in your bed you start to space out
At first it was all innocent thoughts, school, weekend plans but then they started to shift The only thing you could think of was pleasure. Thinking of a certain boy made your cunt throb, making your body hot
Your hand slowly creeps down to your shorts. Slowly playing with yourself imagining it was Theoâs fingers rubbing circles on your clit.
âOh god Theoâ you moanedÂ
but no matter how good it felt you couldnât reach your climax. You were so needy and nothing was working. The rising heat from your body only made things more uncomfortable.
âGod what is wrong with me, and why is it so hotâ getting up from your bed you walk towards your desk, trying to find your drink, in hopes of it cooling you down . You picked up the bottle and before you can finish the drink you saw something written on the bottom of the bottle
âPayback- Enzo and Mattheoâ
Your eyes widened with confusion.Â
What?
Then you remembered how the drink was meant for Draco.Â
everything started to make sense
This is why you were like this
You couldnât even be mad at them, Your mind was clouded with the urge to get any satisfaction you could. all you wanted was any sort of pleasure but nothing was good enough. it started to get painful and a sudden thought popped in your head. Theo
heâd help right? He was really the only one you can go to.Â
Your heart was racing at just the thought of Theo agreeing to help you out, being best friends all these years you had developed a crush on him, of course you never acted on it because you didnât want to ruin your friendshipÂ
Pacing back and forth your room, you finally decide to ask him for help. Nervously picking up your phone, you open Theoâs contact.
âTheo?â
âHey Bella, whatâs up?â
The nickname itself making you get butterflies.
 âUm- I need a favor, can you come over?â
âOf course, i'll be over in a fewâ
âOkay see youâ hanging up the phone, your thoughts begin to consume you
What if he says no?
What if he laughs at your face and runs off
What ifâŠ
What if he says yesâŠÂ
Before you can continue, there was a knock on your door. That must be him. Slowly walking to your door, palms sweaty, you turn your door knob
âHey, what did you need help with?â Theo goes in to give you a hug
Hugging him back, your nose is infused with his cologne Â
God why does he always smell so good
He lets go and looks at you closely, he moves a strain of hair behind your ear to have a better look at you. His eyebrows frown, noticing your face is flustered and incredibly warm.
âAre you okay? Your face is warmâ resting his hand on your cheek
âYeah, um actually funny story-â Quickly leading him to sit on the edge of your bed, holding his hands as you begin to explain
âPlease just hear me out. I know it's odd ,but I have no one to go to,- just please-â falling to your knees, begging.
âHey hey, breathe. You know I'm here if you need anything. Now tell me, whatâs up?â Theo's eyes looking at you with worry.
âPlease I- I need you to fuck meâ you blur out
That was the last thing Theo thought would come out of your mouth.Â
You wanted him to what???
He was speechless, absolutely at a loss of words. jaw wide open
âPlease, I'm sorry for asking you for this, I know itâs a lot and weâre best friends. But please I canât take it anymore. I accidentally drank something that wasnât meant to me and it had this effect on me. Iâve tried everything but nothing is working. I need your help pleaseâ your face heating up from embarrassment . I mean you only ever had the biggest crush on your best friend for years, but what you didnât know was that so did Theo.
Theo had dreamt of the day he got to be with you.
Howâd he spend hours pleasuring himself of the thought of you under him, on top of him and how good youâd take him in your mouth. God, was he hard the second you asked him to help you out.
How could he say no?Â
Without another thought he picked you up from the floor. Sitting down back on your bed while you straddled his lap.
Looking into your eyes, moving a piece of your hair behind your ear, resting his hand on your cheek, he leaded in. Â
Your soft lips on his, both whimpering into the intense kiss. Licking your bottom lip asking for access. You gladly gave it to him.Â
Slowly rocking your hips on his clothed boner, trying to find any friction to satisfy you.
Slowly laying you down your bed, taking off your clothes until you were left in nothing but your matching black lace set.Â
âDonât worry Bella, iâll take good care of youâ Theo whispers as he starts to leave a trail of kisses down your body
âTheo please~â you pleaded, needing to feel something, anything.
âpoor thing, youâve must of been so uncomfortable for such a long time, donât worry iâm here nowâ
He stopped to look at your lying body, face all flustered, messy hair.Â
âGod youâre so beautifulâ he wasnât lying, heâd always thought you were the most beautiful person heâd ever seen. Always jealous of your ex boyfriends because they got to be with you. But now it was his turn and he was going to give you the best youâd ever gotten, he was going to ruin every other guy youâve been with.Â
Slowly pulling your panties off, dick throbbing at the sight of your wet glistening pussy. Trying to ignore his throbbing cock and focus on you, he gives you a sweet smile.Â
âYou're soaking wet, so ready for meâ leaving little kisses around your pussy, teasing. finally burying his face between your legs, painfully slow licks as he takes it in, savoring every moment.Â
As soon as you felt his tongue, you became a whimpering mess. Â
âTheo~ oh my god yesâ moving your hand to his hair, giving it a little tug.Â
Theo couldnât hold it in anymore, he started to devour you. eating you out as if heâd never get this opportunity ever again
âYou taste so fucken goodâ he groaned against your dripping core. The vibrations sending you waves of pleasureÂ
âMore please, Theo! oh my god~â it felt so good, his tongue making you feel things youâve never felt before with anyone else
âSo polite, even when your so needyâ Theo smirked as he sees how much of a mess you were for him
He starts so pump one of his fingering into you while eating you out. Soon enough you felt the feeling you were craving for
âM-so close, fuck Theo iâm so closeâ
He stops what heâs doing, getting up grasping on his zipper and undoing the button. Tugging his jeans and boxers off.Â
âTheo? Whyâd you stop? I was so closeâ you looked at him with teary eyes. you were so close, god why did he stop
âSorry princess, I wanna be in you, want you cum on my cockâ godddd was he hot
His cock strung out his pants hitting his stomach , you were lost for words. In no world was Theodore Nott small, he was big- huge even. youâve never taken anything close to his size.
Theo noticed your starring
âLike what you see?â A smile tugged the corner of his lips
âDonât worry you can take it, I know you canâ
You nodded at his worksÂ
He lined himself up to your pussy, tracing himself up and down, teasing you.
âYou have no idea how long i've been wanting to do this forâÂ
âFuck ,Theo please, please fuck meâ you whinedÂ
âAnything for you, loveâ
he slowly pushed himself into you. You both let out a loud moan.Â
âfuck, your so tightâ Theo was out of breath.
You felt so good around him that he never wanted this moment to end.
âfuck Theo your bigâ you said pantingÂ
âYou think you can take more?â
More???
âThereâs more??â Looking at Theo with a disbelief face
He chuckled âiâm only have wayâ
âDonât worry you can handle it, canât you baby?â
âMhm- yes yes, I can take itâ
Pushing the reset of himself into you. bottoming you out. heavily breathing, getting comfortable with the feeling of him stretching you out.Â
âgood girl ,Youâre doing so well for me, are you ready?â
âYes! fuck-please move, pleaseâ you begged
Brining your legs above his shoulders and laying them there. Gripping your ankles to keep you steady as he started to thrust into you. Both a moaning mess
âFuck fuck fuckkk, Theo-â your eyes roll back, arching your back.
âYou feel so good Bella, oh god-â pantingÂ
âYour squeezing me tight- fuckâ
One of his hands moving to your waist. fucking you harder now, unable to stop. His cock was so fucking good, hitting your g-spot every time.
âFuck Theo just like that, donât stop, donât stop please!â Your hands holding onto your bed sheets as he rocks his hips.
âYou like that huh? You like it when your best friend is pounding into you, god you look so beautiful, taking all of me like a good girlâ he groans while leaving kisses on your ankle.
Your walls clenching at his words
He groaned again as he felt your cunt throb at his praise.Â
âOh you like being called a good girl donât you?â letting go of your ankle to grip your jaw to make you look at him.
âWho's a good girl are you?â Theo says as he speeds up his thrusts
Looking at him with half lidded eyes âYours, all yours!!~â you moan
âThatâs right all mine, no one can ever make you feel this good, isnât that right love?â
 âMhm only you, ah~ i'm so closeâ
âCum for me baby, come all over my cockâ
You were absolute bliss, god youâve never seen fucked this good, yeah youâve had other hookups but nothing can compared to this, to Theo
You moaned loudly, shutting your eyes as you reached your orgasm âim- im cumming!!â Your body shaking from the overwhelming feeling
The way your walls clenched from cumming made Theo on the verge of spilling. He continues to thrust into you through your first orgasm. He didnât expect you make such a mess all over his dick, your cum spilling out of you as he thrusts into you
You felt Theo twitch inside of you, knowing heâs close you moved his hand from your waist to your breasts.
âMmm so softâŠâ Theo whispered. leaning down, putting his tongue on your nipple, swirling it around. âMmm Theo that feels goodâ throwing your head back from a little act. Theo was soon approaching his climax. Â
âFuckk- can I cum inside of you? please oh god I canât hold it anymore, please? Fuck-â Theo begged as he tried to hold it in, waiting for you responseÂ
âYes!! fuck Theo cum inside meâ you practically screamed as you felt you stomach tighten.
He let out a loud moan as he spilled his cum inside of you. You screamed as you felt his warm cum spilling in you, triggering your second orgasm.
Theoâs thrusts became sloppy, riding out both your highs. He pulled out and laid beside you. Dizzy and breathless, taking a moment to catch your breath. Finally when you both got steady, you look up at Theo
âThank you Theo, reallyâ
âNo need to thank me Bella, you can come to me for anything anytimeâ smiling at you.
crawling onto his lap you whispered into his ear âstay the night? I donât think the drink has worn off just yet~â
This was going to be a long night for Theo.
á„«áĄreblog's & comment's are appreciatedá„«áĄ
a/n: Thank you for reading my first ever fic!! a special mention to @leona-hawthorne for being an angel and giving me feedback on my first rough draft. It helped a lot:)!! another honorable mention to @nottsangel!! Im that anon who mentioned writing their first story, hope you like it^-^ thank you both, your blogs have inspired me to start writing. xoxo
©lov3notts ,do not copy, translate or claim any of my writing or works as your own.
#theodore nott#theo nott#theo nott smut#bsf!theo#theodore nott smut#slytherin boys smut#slytherin#theo nott x fem!reader#theo nott x reader#theodore nott x reader#theodore nott imagine#slytherin boys#theo nott fic#theodore nott fic#theo nott one shot#theodore nott oneshot
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I see a lot of people joking about the adhd thing of "I have a appointment/phone call at 3pm, guess I won't do anything all day!"
But no one seems to make the connection that it's a time blindness thing. One of the symptoms of ADHD is not having a good and accurate sense of time. And not doing stuff prior to an event with a hard deadline is an obvious coping mechanism for that.
Can I go to the store? It's 10am and the appointment is at 3pm. How long does going to the store take? An hour? Three hours? Five hours? I DON'T KNOW!
I get anxious trying to do things before appointments because I'm aware that I don't know how long those things take, and that if I think I do, I may be very wrong. Too often I've been like "hey I can walk to the corner store and grab a drink, that'll take like 15 minutes!" and then an hour later I get back and whoops my rice has burnt.
Plus there's also the fact that ADHD people know that motivation and focus is a two-edged sword.
Like, let's say you decide to play a video game. You've got time, you can pause/save whenever, so this should be a perfect fit to make good use of your waiting-time. So you start playing and WHOOPS you get really focused for some reason today (because people with ADHD do not get to pick when their brain decides to focus) and the next time you look at the clock it's 2:49 and you haven't showered or dressed and the appointment is 30 minutes away. Fuck. (you could have set an alarm, but now you're asking people with the forgetting-things-and-time-ignoring condition to remember it set alarms)
And with motivation, it can be almost worse. Instead of playing a game, you so something useful or creative. You clean your room or fix your plumbing or write a story or draw a picture. And suddenly it's great. Your brain is firing on all cylinders. You've got all the motivation you can ask for, and you are FLYING. the ideas are brilliant, your hands are nimble, you're getting stuff done you've been putting off for weeks or months. And then the alarm goes off. Time to go to your appointment. Fuck.
You drive there, your brain still full of ideas and plans. But by the time you get back, the motivation is gone. You may still have the ideas but you don't have the drive to write them down. You can't force yourself to do it. Your sink is still in pieces. Your room is half-cleaned, and you have to shove all the sorted clothes into one big bin just so you have somewhere to sleep. You've left things half finished again, in a cycle that has been repeating your whole fucking life. It seems sometimes that nothing ever gets finished.
So next time you don't even start. There's not time. You've been burnt too many times. Why add another half-completed project to your pile of shame?
My point is that people seem to be going "lol I can't do anything all day if I have an appointment at 3pm" like this is a quirky "oh I'm so scatterbrained!" weirdness they alone have, and not a major complication of a disabling mental illness.
(and that's not even getting into the secondary effects. If you know that having an appointment ruins your whole damn day, you're going to avoid them. Even when it's things like "going to that party" or "meeting your friends for a drink/game" or "going to a movie with that cute girl from your math class". Things you should enjoy. Things that'd help you be social. Things that make you feel human.)
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how i manifested (+revised) my dream body ౚà§
This is my first post on my new account, though I am NOT new to the law and NOT new to loablr either. This post is specifically about how I manifested my dream body instantly with no technique besides knowing :)
PART ONE - the old story
In the old story, I was so fixated on my body and my weight all of the time, I was tracking my calories and weighing myself and my food obsessively and constantly gaining and losing weight. Back then, my beliefs were that 1) Excess food causes weight gain, 2) If I don't track my food and weigh myself, I will become too fat/skinny, and 3) There is something wrong with my body, and I need to diet/exercise to fix it.
Noticing these beliefs were key to changing the way I viewed food and my body, and therefore changing how I knew food to effect me and how I knew my body to be.
When I was overweight, I knew my body was too big, I knew I was eating too much, I knew excess calories made me gain weight. When I was underweight, I knew I had no appetite, I knew I was too bony, I knew that exercise makes you gain muscle which is why I had none, etc. I had to identify the limiting beliefs that made me know my body was a certain way.
PART TWO - writing the new story
Once I identified the beliefs that were holding me back and kept me from my goals ("I know I eat too much, even if I affirm I'm skinny, I'm still going to gain weight."), I could then change them. I wrote down a list of these beliefs, like I did above, and came up with reversals. For example;
"I overeat, so I will gain weight" -> "Calories aren't even real, so I can eat whatever I want and stay the same weight."
"I eat junk food, so I'll never be skinny" -> "I love how fast my metabolism is, I can eat junk all day and still stay so skinny." or "Junk food is just like other foods. Raspberries can't make me fat so neither can hamburgers."
"I don't exercise enough to be toned" -> "It's crazy how I'm naturally so toned and fit without trying."
The key for me was changing key beliefs that kept me dieting and exercising to lose weight, to sever the tie between calories consumed and weight, and hours exercising and muscles. These are limiting beliefs. We literally create our reality. Not ice cream, not soda and chips, none of that can overcome YOU as a divine creator. It sounds silly when you spell it out like that, doesn't it?
PART THREE - how i did it
Okay, now we understand that the secret is to change the rules of our own reality to allow us to know a higher truth (my higher truth? I am a skinny legend). So how do we put this into practice?
All you have to do is know. You set these rules, so you know they are true, reality is bound to them. You must know you are successful, know that reality is in the 4d, and feel truly satisfied in that realm. You can do this using whatever method you need to, but personally, I just knew deep within me that I was my ideal weight, and that nothing could change that, that is simply the reality, that is simply the way things are. I thought about old pictures I took of myself, and remembered how skinny I looked in them, I thought about the last time I saw my friends and how much littler they said I'd gotten, I thought about the last time I stood on the scale and how it read the exact weight I knew myself to be. And I just knew, deep within me, that was simply how things were.
And the last step, for me, was to feel truly joyful at this realization. To feel satisfied it came into fruition. Without seeking confirmation, because I already KNEW.
And what do you know? Pictures of myself in my phone from weeks ago, they were my ideal body. The girl I saw in the mirror when I stood up from my meditation? She had my ideal body. My clothes? XS and S, all of them. I had revised my ideal body all the way back to the day I bought them. And confirmed this by checking pictures I took in the dressing room.
I'm telling you right now it is possible if you know in your heart you've always had your desire. It's always been fulfilled within you. You make the rules because you are a divine creator. Nothing outside of you can change what you know to be true.
That's all for now ౚà§
#edward art#law of assumption#law of attraction#neville goddard#manifesting#revision#loassumption#loablr#loa blog#living in the end#affirm and persist#loa
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