#NEVER change NEVER heal NEVER work on your issues

[thebibliosphere]

I was just playing gotham knights again and noticed some passive dialog regarding Babs having a back brace, which is at least acknowledging that there was damage done, but I'm a little sad for the loss of some really cool disability representation. What are your feelings on her (and on a similar note Batman's) miraculous recovery from paralysis in DC?

I think Gotham Knights handled her disability fairly well, considering this is a universe where magic, nanobots, and puddles of evil green goo that can heal the dead exist. All things considered, it would have been very easy for them to either erase it entirely or just handwave and say, "She worked really hard and got better," as previous iterations of the canon have done.

Because she did work hard and get better, but the hard work is ongoing because they depict her issues as chronic.

She's got a limp (it's the most obvious in her Talon suit with no cape in the way), which means she can't rely on speed or high kicks like the others can (I mean, she can kick, but it's her slowest motion, and until you max out her suit, it's the most liable to get her thrown to the ground), so she falls back on precision and her tech.

Jason punches for maximum pain, Dick moves with dizzying speed, and Tim's gonna sneak up on you and drop you like a rock, but Babs is going for the pressure points with ruthless precision. Not to mention her drones.

The conversation with Tim, realizing she might need help boosting her suit to compensate for her pain/strength issues, is a nice little way of making the player aware that she's got these ongoing problems because, honestly, a casual observer could mistake her back brace for athleisure wear if they didn't recognize the shape of it. It's also a good way of throwing in some exposition about how she's still going to physical rehab and that her PT would like her to "wean off" her back brace, but because her PT doesn't know her actual job as a vigilante, Barbara admits she can't and is essentially finding ways to manage her own care and create her own accommodations. Accommodations which they are all shown to be willing to help with.

It's a nice little touch when superhero narratives tend to revolve around self-sacrifice to the point of self-destruction. Alfred giving Dick into trouble for pushing himself too far and hiding injuries is a nice touch, too, even if it's like trying to bail water on the Titanic with a teacup.

I also like that not only do you see her wheelchair lurking around the Belfry—along with the disability adaptations they put in place, like the ramps, the wheelchair elevator, and the desks that move up and down to wheelchair height—but that she also still uses her chair from time to time.

[ID a screenshot from Gotham Knights showing the Belfry. Light streams in through a giant clockface, showcasing a bank of computer screens. In front of the screen, Barbara Gordon is using her wheelchair as Dick Grayson stands behind her, probably making a bad pun.]

Whether she's using it because she's tired or simply because it's more comfortable than the computer chair is never revealed. Nor is it brought up or commented on. It's just something that's normal for Barbara to do, and I like that. I like that it's normal. It's not a part of herself she's trying to erase. She works with it, not against it.

Is it perfect? No. Do they outright erase her disability like so many of the comics are guilty of? Also, no. I'd argue that, in fact, they kept her disability. They just changed the nature of it.

Barbara now has a dynamic disability, one which fluctuates and requires different management based on her day-to-day (or night) activity. She's in active treatment for it and will be for the rest of her life. Are some of the physical feats she achieves realistic for someone with an injury of her nature? Not really, but again, this is a world where nobody stays dead, and there are zombie assassins coming out of the walls. I'll take the attention to detail and care they put into her story any day over the "Willpower Fixed My Spine" narrative we could have gotten.

As for Bruce getting healed by magic, again, it's Batman. Comic book logic is wibbly-wobbly at the best of times, and realistically speaking, they couldn't leave Batman paralyzed. His whole deal revolves around being stealthy and punching the shit out of people. He wouldn't be Batman anymore, and frankly, I don't trust the comic writers as far as I could throw them to handle that right.

By contrast, the Gotham Knights writers handled Barbara with much more care and nuance than I ever expected. And I'm thankful for that.

---

*I also like that both Dick and Barbara are often shown wearing joint braces. Dick's are especially reminiscent of the way gymnasts and people with hypermobility tape their joints to reduce pain and prevent injuries. It's a nice little touch. They're not invincible. Their bodies hurt. They're just like me but with money and much bigger problems like giant killer robots and zombie assassins.

[rafeandonlyrafe]

desperate measures

words: 1.7k

warnings: 18+ only!, smut, p in v sex, BABY TRAPPING!, pregnancy, female receiving oral

rafe thought it was just his paranoia, the gnawing thought in his mind that you were going to leave him. he never considered that it could be true, that you were putting plans into place.

until a rumor spread that you were fed up with his behavior. his over protectiveness, his anger issues. you love him, but think he needs to heal without you first. that's the claim thats whispered to him at the party, one you aren't attending, staying home to study for your online college class.

rafe rushes home, rage flooding through his veins, knowing he needs to do everything and anything to get you to stay. 

--

“hey gorgeous, almost done studying?” rafe combs his fingers through your hair, pressing a kiss to your head.

“yeah.” you hum, tilting your head up to allow rafe to press a kiss to your lips. “just give me 15 more minutes and ill come to bed, mkay?”

“okay.” rafe nods, squeezing your shoulder in support as you go back to typing out your essay. 15 minutes gives him plenty of time to do what he needs to. 

rafe grabs the condoms out of his bedside table drawer, throwing them all onto the bed. he's not sure how many tries it'll take, but he's determined.

he moves to your pinboard next, grabbing a tack that holds up a picture of you and rafe when you first started your relationship, before you saw the dark side of him. rafe frowns at the picture instead of mimicking the smile in it like he normally does, now noticing the difference in you, your smile is not as wide, eyes duller, cheeks not as full. 

“fuck.” rafe shakes his head, angry at himself for letting you down without even realizing it. things are going to change, he has to fix it. he can’t let you leave. rafe moves back to the bed, pin in hand as he takes a condom package and presses a hole through it, making sure to skewer it completely through. he continues until every condom is poked, glad for once that you reacted badly to birth control and had to seek other methods to prevent getting pregnant.

rafe cleans up quickly, tossing everything back into the drawer and then pinning the picture back up, looking over the other snapshots that you put up. there's some of your friends, but most are of you and rafe. rafe knows you love him, he just needs to make sure you never stop.

“whatcha looking at?” you ask as you enter the room, voice light and airy despite the bags under your eyes. rafe credited it to you taking college classes, but was now worried that he contributed to your current state.

“just how beautiful you are.” rafe doesn't miss the look on your face, the surprise.

“oh.” you blush, raising your hands to press your fingertips into your cheeks.

“and im really sorry if i haven't been telling you that enough lately.” rafe crosses over to you, hands coming to cup your cheeks, your hands trapped under his.

“what are you doing rafe?” you question.

“i haven’t been treating you well enough lately and im so sorry for that baby. i love you.” rafe presses his lips against yours. you react to the kiss, pushing past the surprise to kiss back, sliding your hands out from under his to grip his shirt, tugging his body into yours.

“are you tired princess?” rafe asks, lips still skimming over yours as he questions it.

“n-no.” you shake your head, bottom lip pouting out, making rafe lean in to kiss it. “why?”

“because i want you.” rafe smirks. he's used to your excuses. tired, headache, need to shave, need to eat, anything to get out of it.

“oh!” your eyebrows widen. “yeah.” you press yourself closer to rafe. it's been a long time since you felt the rush of lust for him, since he's treated you so sweetly, talked so candidly. no sign of anger or resentment hiding in his eyes. “yeah, i want you too.”

“good.” rafe moves you to the bed. his hands work effortlessly as his mouth distracts you, pulling at your clothes until you're naked, all of his clothes still on.

“rafe, let me see you.” you pout, tugging at his shirt.

“no, let me focus on you, princess.” rafe moves lower to wrap his mouth around your nipple, giving you full attention while his other hand cups the other side of your chest.

“rafe.” you whine, completely forgetting about your relationship issues, about how you were just thinking of the right time to leave him as he plays with your chest, ignoring your cries and pleas for him to give you more.

“spread your legs, baby.” rafe pushes at your thighs until you help him, spreading your knees apart to present yourself to him.

rafe lays between your thighs, but not before pulling his shirt off, granting you your wish of having him at least get closer to the state of undress you're in.

“such a pretty pussy baby. gonna give it so much lovin’, it's what you deserve.” rafe rubs your inner thighs, eyes locked on your wetness. 

“what has gotten into you rafe?” you let out a breathy laugh, starting to get slightly suspicious of how sweet he's acting.

“just wanna appreciate my lovely girl.” rafe moves closer, inhaling your scent before his tongue licks through your wetness.

you fist your hands in the sheets as he focuses in on your clit, knowing nothing gets you off faster than him sucking at your most sensitive part.

“rafe, oh my god!” you squeal. it's been a long time since he's given you head, and rafe is wondering himself why it's been so long since he tasted you on his tongue, moaning to himself as he swipes through what he swears is better than pure honey.

“so delicious.” he moans, the words vibrating over your pussy as he barely pulls away to speak, mouth greedily sucking at your clit, tongue rolling incessantly over it.

“it-it feels so good.” you moan, moving one hand to rafes head, his hair too short to grip onto, but you need the physical connection to him.

rafes eyes slide closed, concentrating on making you cum as soon as possible so he can get inside of you, his cock so hard he has to grind into the bed just to relieve himself slightly, knowing what he is about to.

rafe brings a finger to your entrance, carefully pushing in, knowing since it's been a while that he's going to have to open you up to take him. he immediately picks up speed to match to intensity of his mouth, only stopping sucking to press a few kisses to your clit.

“im-im gonna cum rafe, oh my god!” you let out a squeal, back arching off the bed as he works you until your high breaks through, legs clenching around his head, thighs pressing in but rafe doesn't let it deter him as he works you through it, only stopping when your whine from the oversensitivity and push at his head.

“gotta get inside you.” rafe pulls away, making sure to remove his finger carefully. he reaches over to the bedside table, grabbing a condom, knowing you won't notice the small hole pressed through the foil as you breathe deeply, recovering from your orgasm.

rafe tears the packaging open, standing up to briefly pull his pants and underwear off, sliding the condom over his hard cock, smirking when he can tell precisely where the small hole is. no way you wouldn't get pregnant, and then there is no way you'd be able to leave him.

“how you want me baby?” rafe asks. he knows his preference. to turn you over and have you on your hands and knees, ass presented to him.

“like this.” you open your arms up, wanting rafe close to you.

he nods, draping himself over your body, lips covering yours as his cock presses against your entrance, sinking in with a low moan.

your arms wrap around rafes shoulders, keeping him close to you, your chests pressed together as he lets you adjust for a moment, his cock pressing against your walls.

“god, ive missed this.” you mew out.

“gonna work on treating you so much better.” rafe says, a look of seriousness overtaking his features. “you're mine, baby.” he finished his words with a thrust. “all mine.”

--

“rafe!” you finally manage to shout out. you hear his footsteps pounding up the stairs, entering the bedroom and then finally the bathroom where you're hunched over the toilet.

“baby?” he questions, kneeling next to you, hands moving carefully.

“it's my stomach.” you groan, pressing a hand to your abdomen. “i must have come down with something.”

“yeah.” rafe nods. “im gonna get you a water.” rafe has to leave the room, he can't let you see him celebrate your morning sickness when you don't even know the true cause yet.

--

“when you get a minute…” your hands are wrestling with each other behind your back, trying to control your nerves. “i need to talk to you.”

rafe smiles. surely you must have had a suspicion yourself and taken a pregnancy test. surely that's what you must be holding behind your back.

“i have a minute right now.” rafe stands up from his desk, crossing the room. when he goes to place his hands on your shoulders, you take a deep inhale, not even meaning to retreat yet you step back into the doorway.

“baby?” rafe questions.

“im pregnant.” you blurt out.

rafe tries to control his excitement, tries to mimic shock before he pulls you into a hug, feeling how tense you are. “baby, that’s so exciting! oh my god, we are gonna be parents.” he takes your face in his hands, pressing a kiss to your lips, even though you don’t really reciprocate. “you’re gonna be the best mom ever.”

“i… i have something else to tell you too.” you feel tears fill your eyes, not stopping them from flowing down your cheeks. “i was gonna break up with you.” you let out a sob, burying your face in rafes chest as you continue. “i was gonna break up with you until i took a test and it came back positive. i’m so sorry rafe, i never wanted to leave i just thought-”

“hey, shh.” rafe strokes your back gently. “the past is the past. this baby will bring us together, okay? we are gonna be parents, happy, in love parents. thats what matters.”

you nod, snuggling into rafe as he kisses the top of your head, glad that you can’t see the smirk on his face, his plan executed perfectly.

taglist: @drewstarkeyslut @forstarkey @f4ll-for-you @dilvcv @drudyslut @jjmaybankswifes-blog @rafescokenostril @jjsmarijuana @seeingstarks @angelofcigs @cece45450 @babygorewhore @vanessa-rafesgirl @michelleisheres-blog @outerbankspov @drewstarkeyswifehoe @cutielando @kamninaries @buckyswhxre @rafeinterlude @bellbottombaby @deeaardiary @rubixgsworld @wearemadeofstardust0 @leighbronk @starkeysheart @pradabambie @tobesolovelysstuff @alexiskirkland @rafestar @brioffthegrid @juniebugg @magicalyoura @cokepewpsii @mysticallystilinski @luvdella @aerangi @folklorsweet @yourenogoodforme @auryyz @mayhem-72 @thestarlithideout

[ghostlyferrettarot]

🖤✨️Venus in the houses✨️🖤

❗️All the observations in this post are based on personal experience and research, it's completely fine if it doesn't resonate with everyone❗️

✨️Paid Services ✨️ (Natal charts and tarot readings)Open.

🖤🖤If you like my work you can support me through Ko-fi. Thank you!🖤🖤

🖤Masterlist🖤

♥︎Venus 1st house: charming people with a flirtatious aura. They know how to get people attached to them ; love to compliment others but expect double the praise in return, they know they are a catch. This individuals are usually the life of the party, the one who unites the relationship/friendship group.

♥︎Venus 2nd house: This is the house of finances, so these people prefer to be pampered by their loved one. People with strong values and respect, they expect the same from their partners. They don't play, they want stability and seriousness in a relationship; most loyal and supporting persons ever.

♥︎Venus 3rd house: really flirtatious and persuasive. They value new experiences, they are attracted to other's personality and interests. You have to keep them entertained, they have an adventurous nature and can get bored easily when it comes to a routine.

♥︎Venus 4th house: These individuals have a really harmonious and protective nature, a fairy-like aura to them. They value comfort and openness in a relationship, they want to feel the love of their partners and create a special bond with them. These people tend to attract people with mommy and daddy issues, with an "I can fix them" vibe.

♥︎Venus 5th House: These are my luxurious people, they have high standards and don't care what anyone has to say about it. They are in love with love, their cheerful nature attracts them towards creative people and people who are in a position of fame or success. They are the muses of artists.

♥︎Venus 6th house: These individuals tend to manage many things at once, they thrive on self-improvement. Their love language tends to be acts of service, they are also attracted to truly selfless people. They can spot a lie from miles away, value trust, and expect the same from their romantic partners. They forgive but they never forget.

♥︎Venus 7th house: They have an attractive and persuasive personality, they are tolerant and charismatic. The 7th house is the house of agreement and partnership, so your luck will probably change after your marriage, your significant other may play an important role in your life. These people crave love and genuine connections.

♥︎Venus 8th house: They are very sensual and intimidating; tend to have stalkers and admirers. They value deep connections, people who truly understand and accept them. People with some type of trauma are attracted to them. You may be interested in occult sciences and have healing powers.

♥︎Venus 9th house: They have a happy aura and an adventurous character. These individuals are attracted to optimistic and adventurous people, those who value their beliefs and want to take risks with them. Venus in the 9th house attracts many foreigners as it may indicate a lot of travelling, you significant other may be from another country.

♥︎Venus 10th House: The 10th House governs public image, career aspirations, and career achievements which makes these individuals attracted to status. They are goal-oriented, always looking to improve, and expect the same from their partners. You will want to live a high-profile life and connect with influential people.

♥︎Venus 11th house: They have a calming and jovial personality. Easily attract many friends who would want to work and connect with you to grow your business. These are my "friends to lovers" trope, they value friendship over romance, which attracts them to those closer to them.

♥︎Venus 12th house: These are my artistic people, they have a lot of passion and compassion. They tend to be attracted to spiritual or helpful people. They value connections and are naturally drawn to others; They find much comfort in helping those around them. They are looking for a partner with good character and empathy.

[i2sunric]

𝐄𝐍𝐇𝐘𝐏𝐄𝐍 𝐇𝐘𝐔𝐍𝐆 𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐉𝐄𝐂𝐓

enhypen hyung line fics based on daniel di angelo’s songs.

DISCLAIMER: these fics may contain heavy themes, smuts and angst. please be aware before reading and minors do not interact. i may change some things of the plots if i get better ideas.

STATUS: only sunghoon published.

a/n: PLEASE like and reblog to spread! i may be slow at writing but i promise i’ll publish as soon as i can + listen to those bangers 💋 COMMENT to be added to the taglist of the fic you want.

𝐋𝐄𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆 — 𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐄

“you’ve fucked with the wrong type, baby i’m the wrong guy.”

PAIRING: ceo!heeseung x stripper!reader

SUMMARY: during your usual shift at the pub on one late friday night, you noticed a gloomy figure sat on a sofa, his whole demeanour screaming broken. you wanted to fix him, you wanted to make him shine, but some things are too shattered to be put back together. be careful or you might get broken as well.

WARNINGS: rough sex. unprotected sex, dirty talk, sex & sex, heeseung is toxic (or at least i tried), gaslighting, mentions of drugs, daddy issues, self hate, happy ending? (more to be added)

PUBLISHED: coming soon.

WC:??

TAGLIST: open

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐉𝐀𝐘 — 𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

“i miss the way i used to fucking pull your hair, now you’re so far away.”

pairing: ex!jay x reader

summary: after breaking up with your boyfriend, time passed by but didn’t heal as many say. or at least for jay. he fell back in his old habits, drinking and smoking while trying to drown out his sadness; all until you receive a message from him and decide to make things right.

warnings: drinking and smoking. unprotected sex, dirty talk, doggy, toxic relationship, angst, self hate, hurt/comfort? (more to be added)

published: coming soon.

wc: ??

tag list: ??

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐍 — 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑

“fucking all the time is wrong when you’re not mine, baby”

pairing: boyfriend’s best friend!sunghoon x reader

summary: just like eva did in the garden of eden, you fell under the serpent’s court and now are under his spell. you knew you shouldn’t betray your boyfriend, jake, like that when he was (not) so right for you, but seeing that he spent more time out for work made you seek the love and affection you needed, and who if not sunghoon could give you what you deserved?

warnings: cheating (don’t like, don’t read). unprotected sex (don’t be silly, wrap your willy), they fuck everywhere and i mean it, toxic, creampie, masturbating, pussy eating, fighting, kissing, jealousy, doggy, missionary, rough blowjob, angst if u squint? jake is a toxic bf, sunghoon low-key corrupts reader, reader is designed with a weak personality. lmk if more. NOT PROOFREAD.

published: 6th August 2024

wc: 13.6k

tag list: closed.

𝐒𝐈𝐌 𝐉𝐀𝐊𝐄 — 𝐍𝐎 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏

“our relationship was better when we never fucked, like, but just sometimes.”

pairing: fuck buddy!jake x reader

summary: jake should’ve known better than making the drunken mistake of sleeping with his best friend. and he should’ve known better than falling for your tricks and become your friend with benefits. he really tries to talk you out of it but most of the time it’s his dick doing the thinking, and you don’t mind at all. problem is, his heart got tricked as well.

warnings: unprotected sex. dirty talk, fwb, smut, jake is a sucker (like down so bad), creampie, mentions of pregnancy (more to be added?)

published: coming soon.

wc:??

tag list:??

[astrobydalia]

Solar return observations

Virgo season is here which means my birthday is coming soon!!! I thought it would be fitting to share my first Solar Return observations with you. These are based on my experience, feel free to share yours!

Btw Ariel is my fave Disney princess I love her sm

work by astrobydalia

Fire rising in SR - these years were characterized for being SO SO chaotic and all over the place tbh. It was always a mix of good and bad things like damn I couldn't catch a break. So many rollecosters, STRESS, situations were I was at the edge of my seat, unpredictable and random stuff happening...

Air rising on SR - one word: fresh. Total opposite from fire risings. Air risings were years that felt so light and fresh! I felt like I was floating through the year in a good way! Just going with flow. And I've said this before the best most chill years where I've found myself thriving were Libra risings on SR (also venus in the 1st house)

Moon-Lilith conjunction in th SR - I felt like my life being sucked out of me and overall felt kinda unlucky that year. I felt so empty inside during this year it was insane. Also I was having mayor issues and conflicts with my mom

Chiron is in SR is a bit catastrophized imo. It can not only mean areas in your life that can "break" but also areas that could find healing or resolutions as well. Whenever I've seen the breaking or ending manifestation of this asteroid it was always from a place of reconsideration and healing rather destruction, like making peace with something. For example, Chiron in the 7th house could mean ending a relationship on good terms or unlearning unhealthy relationship patterns. On time I had Chiron in the 6th house and during that year I got a nice job after a long period of struggling to find a job. Of course it's nuanced and it can often be painful and disappointing process but I think people don't mention enough how Chiron is about finding relief as well

One time I read the SR for a client who had Pluto in the 6th house for that year and turns out she was planning to undergo surgery during that time for health reasons

Leo rising in SR - These years were TERRIBLE for some reason. Maybe it was due to Cancer 12th house but I was really struggling to find happiness and fulfillment in my life during these times

Cancer mars in the SR - So emotional!! Like truly it was years that were clouded by emotion. It was either due to family stuff, friends or relationships, but I was running on emotion all the time and I couldn't act on logic to save my life. However it's not like I was in my bed crying all day but rather these emotions were giving energy and motivation in some way. Somehow being emotional was always making be feel.... alive?

Moon in 12th house of SR - I was getting ready to move and separate from my family during this year

Taurus rising in SR - these years were surprisingly.... intense, specially with my relationships. A lot of patience, resisting and enduring. Every event that happened felt like I was going through a 10-year-long process and really had a strong impact in my life. Years were I reconsidered my priorities a lot and was really faced with what is it that I truly value

Uranus in the 1st house of SR - literally a few days prior to my bday I received shocking news that turned my entire year (and life) upside down so you can imagine how this energy played out. Life forcing changes on my life that I was not ready for but had to make it through one way or another

Virgo rising in SR - I started a new job!

Look at Part of Fortune and Vertex in your SR chart, these will be significant themes!

Capricorn rising in SR - I was.... borderline depressed here ngl. Those kind of years that never seem to end ever. I was receiving pressure from both my career life and my family life. Overall earth rising in the SR were years that felt very 'heavy' if that makes sense.

Juno in the 1st house of SR - these were years were I meant new people!!! I significantly enlarged my network

^Same thing with Venus/Libra/Vertex in the 7th house of SR. I didn't get into a relationships or had anything romantic going on, I met new people and made new friends in general. I also bought lots of new clothes and invested a lot in my image

Scorpio rising in SR -you know when you go through a very intense experience out of nowhere and then come out of it soon after like nothing happened and you're left feeling like "wtf was that for"? That's this.

Yod configuration in SR - very karmic life-changing and ground breaking events in my life. Before and after vibes

Moon in Capricorn in the SR - my girlboss era!!!! These were years were I began new professional opportunities like my first job or my first year in college

Moon in the 8th house of SR - you guessed it: trauma. I'm talking canon event kind of trauma. A family member died.

Vertex in the 8th house of SR - this was playing life on hard mode honestly. Not necessarily traumatic, but very complicated events and situations here that put you to the test

work by astrobydalia

[feefivefoe]

I guess I'm unintentionally working my way up the age ladder, so Jason next-

This is the first part that contains backstory stuff I gave my reader, so unfortunately this is where a lot of the "they can be anyone" immersion dies, sorry y'all.

Genuinely, he thought he might hate you at first. Even at the preteen age of 12, where children were usually trying to start striving to independence, you had been so...bland.

It's not that you didn't stand out. Quite the contrary. Anywhere Alfred could be found, you were just a step or two behind him. A leech. Only ever speaking in a hushed voice, making the old man strain himself to hear you, surely.

He doesn't think you've ever even looked him in the eye.

It isn't until that summer he starts connecting the dots. You still cling to long sleeved shirts, pants over shorts, even when it's clear you're struggling to not overheat.

Then he catches you in the kitchen in the middle of the night, t-shirt and pajama shorts.

Burn marks, healed yet gruesome, decorate your arms and legs. Based on how they're positioned, he'd argue they probably exist on the rest of your body, too.

And yet, despite his invasion of what you clearly(?) wanted kept hidden, you merely bow your head in shame and offer a meek apology.

That's when he stops seeing you as a problem, but as a victim of consequence.

Not a bratty child who doesn't care enough about the lower class to speak to your new 'sibling,' but a lonely child who had never even once considered he might want to speak to you.

"Mister Wayne and Mister Grayson are very busy." You had said once, matter of factly rather than bitter or sad. "I'm sure they'd spend time with me if they weren't. But they have two lives, so they have less time than anybody."

He doesn't have the heart to tell you that they make time for him. And the rest of Gotham.

As you do with Alfred, you begin to shadow him. Meandering behind him without a care as to what his plans are, happy to receive the barest of acknowledgments.

You hesitate when speaking about yourself, as though taking up his time with mentions of you is an issue. He's starting to understand why.

Jason isn't sure if it's pity or growing affection that keeps him around, at first. For a while, he sees you as more of a sad, wet dog than as his family.

But you begin to connect with peers at school, finding validation outside of those that feel forced to give it to you. You mature, grow up more than you should, and realize the reality of your home life.

And Jason is thrilled! ...and...a little sad? He's happy for you, sure. Having friends is probably what you needed. People who want you around, genuinely. Who choose to make time for you.

But he'd be lying if he said that the way you used to stare at him didn't make him feel like a hero. Like he was doing so much, changing your world, simply by existing.

You still speak, of course. You're friendly siblings that get along well. You give him various foods you've tried making, courtesy of Alfred inspiring a desire to learn to cook and bake on your own. You talk about books you've read together, and listen intently while he rambles about his favorites.

You even peek in after particularly rough patrol nights, just to make sure he's gotten through it okay.

But it isn't...quite the same. No, but it's...it's for the best.

And he is still a hero! As Robin, he's protecting the whole city alongside Batman!

So he's still a hero.

He's still your hero.

"Jay? I was wondering if I could ask you for some help. The show my club is doing is one of those old books you like-"

"They aren't that old."

"-and my character doesn't show up much in the movie-"

"You watched the MOVIE before reading the book!?"

"-so I wanted to ask if you'd help me with characterization!"

He remembers groaning at you and rolling his eyes. "I'm busy tonight. Go watch the dumb, BAD, movie again." He pauses. "Uh, but I can tomorrow. I'll make sure I don't have anything planned, promise."

He saw you pause, and sees the constant same promises pass through you.

"I...have other arrangements. I'll make it up to you next time."

"Ah...sorry, kiddo! Big kid stuff. But next time! You trust your big bro, yeah?"

But this is Jason. Jason doesn't lie to you.

Jason keeps his promises.

You smiled. "Yeah. Tomorrow."

...

Then he died.

[theambitiouswoman]

I have been celibate for 3+ years & I wanted to share how this has helped shaped who I am.

Disclaimer: This is not me telling you what to do with your life and your bodies. It comes with zero judgement. I am of the belief that there is a season for everything, and we evolve into many different people in our life. I would be remiss if I didn't say that I definitely think it's a good idea to practice it. I do believe that psychologically, spiritually & emotionally having casual sex has a lot of negative implications for both men and women. However your beliefs around intimacy are purely up to you. Sex isn't bad, that's not what I am saying, but when you are having sex with someone you are absorbing their energy, and the energy of their past lovers too, so having sex with the wrong person can really ruin you.

Honestly the idea of anyone touching me if they do not meet my needs emotionally, mentally, physically etc absolutely disgusts me. I have never been of the type of let anyone "have me" but even more so now. Remember that when you start treating yourself differently, your perspectives and the things you are attracted to also start to change.

Maybe some girls don't understand this so I am going to say it. You do not have to sleep with a man for him to like you, love you, treat you well, or buy you things. If you haven't experienced this, you may not agree. But this is my reality and the reality of so many others, so yes it is actually totally possible.

I will say that the first year can be difficult but after that it gets much easier cause your mindset changes. I recommend taking that first year to really dive in and analyze your relationships, work on your wounds etc. Feeling lonely is something I see come up a lot, and while human beings are not designed to be alone, you should not feel lonely and that is probably a good starting point to work on with yourself if that is the case.

Anyway, these are some of the changes I have experienced:

1. Greater mental clarity and can focus more on personal goals, career & self development.

2. Reduced emotional turbulence. Creating better emotional balance and inner peace.

3. Realizing self love and self worth come from you, rather than seeking external validation. It reduces stress, increases self awareness & provides identity outside of others.

4. Higher standards, better boundaries. Intimacy is a choice, not a necessity. Being unable to control your lust is a weakness. Understand that falling in love purely through sex is lust, wounds and attachment / abandonment issues, need for validation, insecurity etc.

5. Insane increase to intuition.

6. Gives you control over your body and life. It allows you to be more selective about who you let into their personal space.

7. Increased creativity & passion to channel into art, projects, or other personal endeavors.

8. For those recovering from past trauma or heartbreak, celibacy can be a time for healing and self reflection. It offers the space to process emotions, heal old wounds and rediscover yourself.

9. No energetic enmeshments with toxic souls, which btw you are absorbing all of it. Grosses me out any time I think about it.

10. Even prettier than before (but i'm sure not entertaining toxic men and drama contributes to that as well)

11. People are even more drawn to be because of my strong sexual energy & pure aura.

[harmoonix]

🥀 𝕻𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖎𝖘𝖈𝖚𝖔𝖚𝖘 🥀

Medusa Asteroid 149 Observations

🥀 - Medusa (149), aspecting harshly the ascendant (square, opposition, conjuct, quincunx), can have people envying them hard. It can be the personality or something they have

🥀 - Medusa (149) aspecting the ascendant harmoniously (sextile, trine, conjuct, quintile) can have people hating on them for simply being themselves, in a way they wish to be like you

🥀 - Medusa (149) in the 10H/In Capricorn, you're very magnetic, and that attracts people into you. They care because they may also be attracted to the status you have, to the things your status gives to them. Be careful not to get betrayed in the end

🥀 - Medusa (149) in the 5H/in Leo, you get lots of attention. For some, you can always be in the spotlight, and for some, you never got the attention you deserved. Your energy is manifested like a child who hasn't experienced pain yet, very pure and you know..childish. After a pain episode happens, you're basically hurt to be in that pure energy again. Maybe you got people telling you that "you're too childish," but that doesn't really matter because if you want to heal your inner child, you have to let yourself be a child again

🥀 - Medusa (149) in the 7H/Libra, relationships can get messy, so sometimes people can be attracted to you only for your looks and you can feel used because of that, make your own justice, because sometimes even your partner can come against you. Like being betrayed even for that person you loved the most. Medusa here can be tricky as hell because Libra in this position will represent Athena, you know Medusa was one of the priestesses of Athena in the Roman version, worshiping her. And she is very tied with the 7H because of what happened with her and Neptune (Poseidon) in the myth

🥀 - Medusa (149) in 9H/Sagittarius, a very enchanting energy for Medusa, you can be very wise and inteligent, you're proud of your roots but people may try to take your faith/beliefs as a joke and make fun of it, not only very disrespectful but immature as well. You can teach them how to appreciate all of these things without having to judge it

🥀 - Medusa (149) in the 1H/Aries, for some reason, you can feel like you're always guilty for something or someone. People may try to manipulate you because you're an intimidating person, and they may hate that. Is it important to always stick to yourself and not let anyone tell you that you're wrong for just being yourself

🥀 - Medusa aspecting the Moon gives full intuition and wisdom, you may know what people think of before they even say it

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Saturn may tell you that you're a very strong and capable person, you may work hard to keep all the things in order and sometimes you may need order in your thoughts

🥀 - Medusa aspecting the Midheaven (MC) gives the vibe of a very powerful and influential person, someone who can change something in the world, from rules to literally politics, you can stick for people's rights/for people's lives

🥀 - Medusa Retrogade is literally Medusa story itself (for those who know it), you can try to look for a "saving" in people, but they won't listen, you are the only person you can count on

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Venus may tell you that you can be interested in people who may not give the same energy back to you, basically you being into them, but not them into you. That's why you may be afraid to fall in love thinking they can hurt you

🥀 - Medusa in the 2H/In Taurus, your body can be very provocative, and you can feel like you have to hide it to not get others' attention, or simply that you don't want people staring at you. You may also have issues with dressing up, wear whatever makes you happy, and bring you joy. Also, for some, you can have body issues like feeling insecure with your body, and that can be a slow recovery, but trust it will change you forever

🥀 - Medusa in the 12H/In Pisces, you can feel like you're trapped, your energy in a way is sadistic yet melancholic, im thinking of a violin who sings a very emotional song for this placement is like you don't know you suffer, but in a way you're also very protected and loved..So Is like your soul can be emotional at times but doesn't know how to embrace that energy

🥀 - Medusa in the 3H/in Gemini, you're that type of person who got enough of people gossiping or talking bad or just you got tired of mean people in general, you don't always have the voice to speak up for yourself when something bad happens to you, yet you use that voice to speak for others, try to think at yourself as well. This Medusa is with one eye closed, meaning Medusa is afraid to know some "truth" in these placements

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Pluto can have people abusing your power, your human being, and your soul. Don't let people take advantage of you to profit out of you because you're a very powerful person, and you're here to evolve and rise from pain into a big ball of happiness

🥀 - Medusa in the 6H/Virgo, this energy is manifested as being drained by others, you have people with a very low energy in your life and that can drain you both mentally and spiritually, you can have some bad habits from them as well and you can feel a forced "bond" to them, like you cannot escape from that energy. I'm gonna tell ya if someone is being mean, rude, disrespectful, racist, homophobic etc they have a low energy, and you're like a magnet to that. Therefore, the key is to just let the toxic people out of your life before your life become toxic as well, like literally save yourself

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Mercury in harsh aspects can have people lying to them, hiding the truth, being very fake

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Mercury in good aspects have the people who tell them the harsh truth, like when you want to know something and people are damn honest about it with no hesitation

🥀 - Medusa in the 8H/Scoprio, this energy is manifested as someone who has been through a lot of personal and inner evolution, someone who has learned from their mistakes, someone who doesn't need nobody to make themselves complete. You're like a lone wolf because I think you got enough from people continuously showing you that they don't deserve you. They did you dirty, and they showed you their real face. And about this placement is that..you don't have to forgive people, you can just acknowledge what they did without forgiving them

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Juno (3) can indicate your marriage can involve some dramas about jealousy ane envy from others, to give you an example how mad were Selena Gomez fans when Justin Bieber married with Hailey Bieber

🥀 - Medusa aspecting the Sun can indicate you radiate a lot of popular/known energy is like you're the popular person in your domain and of course that attracts jealousy..you need the 3rd eye open to acknowledge when hate comes in your way

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Neptune is very mystical, very dreamy..that mysterious character in a movie like Megara from Hercules, though your magic is not known by everyone but in the same time chaotic if we talk about Medusa and Neptune they kinda hate eachother in one of the myths about her

🥀 - Medusa in the 11H/in Aquarius, so your energy is very welcoming you have that aura that makes people feel understood and comfortable, that makes people to just come to you and tell their feelings, your friends can mean a lot to you, you can find yourself being like the "founder" of the group and the one who unites them all, yet you can get envy from others about how easily you get others attention and about your friends/social group of people. Eventually your 'fake' friends can sometimes turn bad and betray you

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Mars is somehow that Medusa who holds a lot of anger for those who didn't found their justice, for those who need righteousness and a balance in their lives. Medusa might hate people who are simply mean on others, rude, people who discriminate and who are against others rights

🥀 - Medusa in the 4H/In Cancer, with this energy people can feel attracted to your empathic and emotive nature, your kindness can attract others, so literally a princess vibes..a princess who sometimes get to be villainized even by your own family/close relatives, to feel like you're the black sheep, I feel like you're the most calming when you're all alone by yourself and that type of person who cries when no one is around, I hope someday you can get free from those who do you wrong. You're kind but in a way hurt at the same time, you can manipulate people by their emotions sometimes without acknowledge it

🥀 - Medusa aspecting the IC (is different from the 4th house), you're like a mirror to your family, it reflects your whole persona, your roots and ancestors can be very connected with you even if you don't realize it, your ancestors could have fought with finding their own rights/and freedom back in the day (This can apply more if you have harsh aspects between those 2)

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Chiron the healer, with this energy you are able to heal the wounds from the past, I imagine this aspect as someone with scissors who cuts the "toxic" or bad lines out of their life, Medusa is in slow recovery but for sure it will change her forever. If you never found your justice, this is a good time to find it (during your healing era)

🥀 - Medusa in contact with Uranus, this is one of the very few placements where Medusa is actually more intuitive/clever than ever, she can feel very psychic, more connected with the universe

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Lilith h12/h13 are charming! It works if you have them in the same house as well, its a very intense energy because both Lilith and Medusa were neglected

🥀 - Medusa aspecting the Sun harshly can talk about how you always see and feel your dark traits, is like you look through a mirror and inside that mirror is the darker version of yourself

🥀 - Medusa aspecting Mercury harshly is not afraid to call people out, to curse/cuss, to talk dirty when it is needed

🥀 - Medusa in your sidereal chart can be more active than Medusa in the tropical chart, check it in both charts, and see where you relate more with the asteroid

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭

🥀 Medusa 149 is noted on the list of the "negative asteroids" on the astro seek site, so therefore, the energy can be considered as negative as well. Make sure to check it out in both charts even draconic if you want to know how Medusa influenced your chart before you were born 🥀

H a r m o o n i x 🥀

[girlgenius1111]

all the same

mapi x ingrid x reader all three of you want a baby. a look into the discussions leading up to this decision, negative tests, a positive test, and the first few months. cw: pregnancy..? mentions of body image issues. suggestive.

-----

You were really astounded at the turns life took. 2 years ago, you were new to Barcelona, having left everything you knew behind in the states, working for a social media company. You knew no one, had very few friends outside your coworkers, and barely knew the city at all. 

Today, Barcelona was your home, in a way no city had ever felt before. You’d fallen in love here, with two of the most perfect beings on earth. It wasn’t what you expected when you arrived in Spain, but their love was what had been missing in your life. It healed a fissure in your heart that had formed long ago, one that had been around for so much time, you’d forgotten what it was like to live life as a whole person. Live life surrounded by love. 

And surrounded by love, you were. Your girls fell in love with you and never looked back. They spent every waking minute of every day loving you, and making sure you loved yourself. María and Ingrid were perfect. There was no other adjective to describe the pair of them. They were everything you needed, everything you’d ever need. 

-----

It started when one of Mapi’s friends had a baby. It was a little boy, an adorable little boy, and you saw the switch flick in both of your girls’ eyes when they saw him for the first time. They’d met babies before, held babies before. They spent time around toddlers, but something was different about this. They held the boy with reverence, a quiet awe etched across their faces. They gushed about him to his parents, expressing how truly happy they were for the couple. 

Happiness wasn’t the only emotion they were feeling, though. Something evolutionary in them changed that day, and they were filled with a very distinct longing. For more, for this. This special kind of love that would transform their lives, change everything. 

You wanted it too, suddenly. You’d spent most of your adult life pretty neutral about having children. It was different, when you weren’t in a relationship. Now that you had Mapi and Ingrid, though, your fears of parenthood seemed to lessen. They’d be with you, so how scary could it be, really?

The drive home from meeting the baby was silent. You and Ingrid in the front seat, Mapi in the back. Everytime your gaze flickered to either of the other women, you found them deep in thought. You knew what their hesitation was, why they weren’t instantly bringing it up. 

How could they bring it up? When it was very clearly, very simply not an option for them to carry? They were professional athletes, in the prime of their careers. They loved football. There was such a short time of their lives where they could play, and both of them had decided a long time ago to not sacrifice any months of their career to have a baby. 

 And so, it wasn’t right, in either of their minds, to bring up how desperately they wanted a baby when the only option to carry said baby would be you. They couldn't put that on you, couldn’t ask that of you. 

You knew them well enough to know that this was exactly what they were thinking on that long drive home. The thing was, you wanted it to. Maybe you weren’t sure about kids before, but you definitely were now. 

You’d been focused on something other than the baby, earlier. He was adorable, yes. But the way his parents looked at him? Like what they were feeling transcended words, transcended all human rationality. Like that little boy was the only thing in the world that mattered, or would ever matter? You wanted that. And you wanted that with Mapi and Ingrid more than anything. And if you could give the two of them what they wanted so desperately, and without requiring either of them to sacrifice time away from football? You wanted that too. 

-----

It was almost funny, how similar they were sometimes. The three of you arrived home, and your girls each flitted off to their favorite corners of the house, leaving you rather amused in between the both of them. They were so wrapped up in their thoughts that they didn’t seem to notice the other was feeling the exact same way they were. 

Mapi was on the balcony. You peeked over her shoulder from behind the glass door, and found her watching baby tiktok after baby tiktok. Honestly. 

When you went after Ingrid, you were met with a slightly more concerning sight. She was wedged in between the nightstand and the wall in your room, a spot she only went when she was feeling anxious. You and Mapi were still working on getting her to come to one of you when she wasn’t feeling right, and she still sometimes found herself enjoying the tight space. 

You didn’t know why she was anxious, though, or why she had tears running in her eyes as her chin rested on her knees, staring blankly ahead of her. Ingrid was an emotional person, something you loved about her, but she was normally more put together than this, unless something was really wrong. 

“Ingrid? What is it?” You asked softly, sitting carefully in front of her and brushing a tear off her face with your thumb.

“Nothing.” She replied, not very convincingly as her voice shook. 

“Ingrid.” You repeated, giving her a look that you normally received from her. 

She sighed heavily, tilting her head back to lean against the wall. “Mapi wants a baby.” 

You nodded slowly, wondering if maybe you’d read Ingrid’s behavior all wrong.

“And I can’t give that to her.” She finished, looking at you with such pain in her eyes, you wanted to reach out physically take the hurt away from her. “You want it too, I can tell. I can’t give either of you what you want. It’s awful and selfish, I’m awful and selfish, but I don’t want to stop playing football. I can’t.” 

You weren’t quite sure why Ingrid had just assumed you’d both expect her to carry your child, but this assumption seemed to be tearing her apart. 

“ I don't ever want to hear you say that again. You are not awful, and you are not selfish. It makes complete sense that you don’t want to lose any playing time. It’s not selfish to know what you need, and to stick to it. And, Ingrid, baby. You cannot possibly think this is all on you. There are three of us in this relationship. Two other options. ” 

The Norwegian shook her head. “No, Mapi doesn’t want to be pregnant, she’s said it before.” 

“Well you’re lucky you are dating a third person with a uterus.” You said, joking lightly. 

“You don’t want to be pregnant either.” Ingrid said with conviction. 

You blinked at her. “Why do you think that?” 

“You said it. Years ago. When we met Mapi’s pregnant friends for dinner and she was pregnant, and barely sleeping, and nauseous all the time, and miserable. We left the restaurant, and you said that you could never be pregnant.” 

Ingrid recounted the story like she’d had it burned into her memory for the past 2 years. You remembered that night, very vaguely. The relationship had been incredibly new, you’d had too much to drink, and you were rambling. You hadn’t meant it, barely remembered it. 

“I didn’t mean that.” You began, but Ingrid cut you off, shaking her head firmly. 

“No, please don’t do that. Please don’t say you’ll do it because you want us to be happy, when this would make you unhappy. I know how your brain works, elskling, I’m not letting you do that.” 

You supposed this was fair, as you had some self sacrificing tendencies when it came to your girlfriends. The entire first 2 months that you dated, you pretended to like your coffee without cream because that's how both of them drank it, and you didn’t want them to have to go out of their way and buy cream for you. They were not happy with you when they realized you’d been lying. 

“Ingrid, I promise you, I didn’t mean what I said that night. I’ve been thinking about it too. And I want- hold on. Let me get Mapi.” You interrupted yourself. Ingrid withdrew her hand from where it held yours, expecting you to get up and get your other girlfriend. Instead, you turned your head. 

“MARÍA, VEN AQUÍ,” you shouted, ignoring the half amused, half annoyed look on Ingrid’s face. You simply grinned back at her, standing up and extending your hand down to her. She took it, allowing you to help her to her feet, and you both took a seat on the bed, amusedly listening to Mapi’s loud footsteps coming down the hall. 

“Amor, speaking spanish? Did you hit your head?” She joked, walking in and smirking at you. 

You rolled your eyes. “I speak spanish.”

“Sure, amor. What’s…up, Ingrid have you been crying?” Mapi said softly, catching the tear tracks on the Norwegian’s cheeks, walking forward and taking Ingrid’s face in her hands. 

Ingrid was weirdly emotional today, and seeing that baby had only made it worse, had only made the issue she’d been thinking about for weeks feel worse. She bit her lip, trying to fight off tears yet again at how concerned Mapi sounded. 

“I can’t give you what you want.” She mumbled. It was unlike Ingrid to be this soft spoken, sound this insecure, and Mapi looked at you worriedly, even more confused when you rolled your eyes. Ingrid was upset over something that wasn’t a problem, yet she didn’t believe you. 

“You give me everything I want, cariño, you both do.” Mapi assured her. 

“No, I can’t give you a baby. I can’t be pregnant, I don’t want to. I can’t stop playing for that, I’m so sorry Mapi,” Ingrid cried, leaning forward into the Spaniard’s arms. Mapi looked upset, heartbroken, there was no other way to explain the look on her face. “An she’s trying to convince me she wants to carry a child, and I know she doesn’t,” 

At this, Mapi’s head snapped to you, the familiar stern look she got when she thought you were putting your needs behind theirs taking over. 

“Both of you, look at me.” You instructed. Ingrid pulled away from where her head had been resting against Mapi’s chest, red eyes gazing at you. “I want this. I’m not just trying to make you happy. I want this for me, and I want this for us, I really do. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. Please, believe me. I want to do this for you guys, I want to do this for myself.” You spoke slowly, watching as a very cautious hope took over both of your girlfriends. 

“Amor, just because we don’t want to do it right now with our careers doesn’t mean that you have to.” Mapi reminded you. 

“I know that.”

“We can’t ask you to do something that we aren’t willing to do.” Ingrid echoed. 

“I know. You aren’t asking. I am offering. We all want the same thing here, no? You both want a baby?”

You took in the 2 very hesitant head nods. 

“I want it too. This makes the most sense, logically. And more than that, I want to do it. I want to be pregnant, I want to carry our baby. I promise you both. On Bagheera’s life.” 

Ingrid looked like she was going to break down into tears again, and Mapi frowned. “You better not be lying, especially now.” 

“I’m not lying.” You said seriously. “Although cats do have 9 lives…” 

Mapi pinched your arm. “That is not funny.” 

“Ingrid,” you whined, swatting Mapi’s hand away. 

“Never mind, both of you. I already live with 2 children.” Ingrid said, but the huge smile on her face gave her away. 

“We are doing this?” Mapi asked, looking between the two of you. 

“Yes.” Ingrid murmured.

‘Yeah,” you said, a soft smile tugging at your lips. Mapi moved forward in a flash, wrapping you up in her arms and spinning you both around before tossing you on the bed and climbing right on top of you. 

“María,” you laughed, hearing Ingrid scolding the Spaniard lightly. 

“Gonna put a baby in you, sí?” Mapi rasped, her lips attaching themselves to your neck. 

“I don’t think that’s possible, amor, no matter how much you want it.” You chuckled. Suddenly Ingrid’s face was next to yours, too, joining Mapi to kiss at your neck. 

“It’s worth a try,” she said. 

“Insatiable, both of you.” You sighed, lacing your fingers through each of their hair, relaxing into their movements. 

You were doing this. And you didn’t have any doubts. For someone that always had doubt and fears, this was unheard of. Of all the decisions you’d make in your life, though, this was one you needed to be sure about. And you were. 

------

You hadn’t thought much about the actual process of getting pregnant. IVF and sperm donors and doctors appointments and injections and stress. So much stress. It was insane, how difficult it was, how many hoops you had to jump through. You knew it was part of the process to have negative tests. That didn’t make it hurt any less, though, when it happened. At first, it was alright, because you weren’t really expecting it to work right away. As the months passed, though, and you failed to get a positive test, you grew more discouraged. As you sat, waiting for the allotted time to pass on your current test, you thought back to the last negative test that had been… a lot, to say the least. You’d been doing IVF for almost a year, and you couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working. Was it you? Were you doing something wrong?

------

The timer rang through the bathroom, and you took a shuddering breath, hand shaking as you reached for the test. Ingrid and Mapi were on the other side of the door, as you’d insisted. It was getting harder and harder for you to keep letting them down, and you couldn’t stand seeing their faces fall when you inevitably weren’t pregnant, again. They’d hated this idea, wanting to be with you regardless of the outcome, but you’d insisted. 

So, outside the door they sat, hearing the timer ring, and holding their breaths as they waited for you to read out the results. You didn’t speak for a full minute, and your girlfriends grew impatient. 

“Amor? What does it say?” Mapi called through the door. Her and Ingrid strained to hear a response from you. 

“I’m sorry guys.” You eventually got out, your voice thick with tears. Mapi and Ingrid deflated. They were disappointed, yes, but they’d been watching the toll this had been taking on you, and they knew what another negative would do to you. 

“Open up, cariño,” Ingrid insisted, knocking softly on the door. 

“I just need a minute,” you called back, trying to sound more put together than you were. 

Neither of them wanted to give you a minute, but they respected your wishes, moving away from the door and over to the bed. Inside the bathroom, you stood up, throwing the test away as you couldn’t bear to look at it any longer. You splashed some cool water over your face, noting that it didn’t do much to hide that you’d been crying, before you opened the door. They had both been staring at the door impatiently when it opened, the sadness radiating off of you as you stepped out of the bathroom feeling like a punch to the gut. 

Ingrid got to you first, wrapping her arms around your shaking form, holding you tightly to her. You sobbed quietly into her shoulder, feeling Mapi come up behind you and wrap herself around your back. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” you repeated brokenly. 

“Please stop apologizing, my darling, this is not your fault. It is completely out of your control.” Ingrid insisted, and you could only shake your head, burying yourself further into her sweater. Seeing you cry always made your girlfriend’s cry, even Mapi, and it wasn’t long before you were all sniffling pathetically. Still, you remained hidden in Ingrid’s shirt, even when she pulled you over onto the bed, allowing you to fully rest in her arms. Mapi sat next to the both of you, working her fingers through your hair, laying her head on Ingrid’s unoccupied shoulder. 

Every time they thought you were getting close to calming down, every time you stopped crying, just a little bit, you almost instantly fell back into sobs that wracked your whole body. You cried until your head hurt, until your throat was raw, and you felt dehydrated. You cried until you were empty, completely devoid of energy and feeling. 

When you finally stopped, you murmured another apology to your girls, feeling horrible for making them comfort you when they’d been just as disappointed. Both of them shook off your apologies, exchanging a look. They’d been discussing what to do if this test was negative, and they both agreed that you couldn’t really go on like this. It was taking everything out of you. 

“Mi amor, maybe we should take a break.” Mapi said softly. 

You flew off of Ingrid in a panic, frantic eyes meeting Mapi’s. “From us?” you asked, voice barely more than a whisper, as if you couldn’t even put your full voice behind that idea. 

“NO!” They said simultaneously. In a flash, you were yanked off of Ingrid and pulled into Mapi, her arms holding you almost painfully tightly. “No. No break from us, never a break from us, bebita, I promise. I meant a break from the IVF.” 

You tensed, and Ingrid rushed to explain further. “Just for a bit, love. This has been so hard on you, and we hate seeing you so upset. We take a couple months off, and then we can reevaluate. You need to put yourself first, my love. You are our priority.” 

You didn’t want to give up, couldn’t give up. You knew that if you stopped now, you’d never be able to start again, never be able to put yourself through the process again. 

“One more try. Please. One more, and then we can take a break,” you proposed. 

Ingrid and Mapi exchanged glances. It didn’t feel like a good idea to them, but it was your body, and your decision. If you said you could handle more, they had to trust you on that. 

“Okay. One more try.” Ingrid said finally. 

“One more.” Mapi agreed. 

You smiled weakly at them, sitting up off of Mapi and scrubbing at your face. Ingrid seemed satisfied, but María was looking at you with a pensive expression on her face. 

“One more, but only if you promise us that you know it isn’t your fault if it doesn’t work. We love you. If you can’t do this, we’ll still love you. Promise me you know that.” 

You looked back at her. “I think I know. I just worry sometimes. I promise to try to remember.” 

Mapi nodded. “Okay. Mi nina perfecta. I am so proud of you.”

Ingrid and Mapi took in the way you lit up at her words. From then on, they didn’t let a day pass without telling you how proud they were of you. 

------

Here you sat, again, on the floor of the bathroom, the test turned over in front of you. The seconds counted down until you could look, and you felt oddly at peace. Whatever was meant to happen would happen. If it didn’t work again, you’d figure something else out. And Ingrid and Mapi would still love you. 

They were, once again, outside the bathroom door, pacing this time. They both felt slightly nauseous when the timer went off, turning towards the door, freezing. It was quiet again, on the other side of the door, and they both feared the worst. 

“Amor?” Mapi called. 

A second later, the door flew open, and you launched yourself out of the bathroom, holding the test out for them to see. 

“Positive, it’s positive,” you cried, entirely overwhelmed in the best way possible. 

They each wrapped you in a hug, gentle hugs this time, tears flowing down all of your cheeks. It was positive. It had worked. You were going to have a baby. As you celebrated with them, you tried to remind yourself that the hard part wasn’t entirely over. There was so much joy to come, though, and you focused on that. One the absolutely alit with joy expressions on both of your girls’ faces. It had all been worth it, just for this. 

------

No one on the team had really known you were trying to get pregnant, aside from a few people.  They had left all of this up to you, assuring you that they didn’t care who knew when, as long as you were comfortable. That was pretty much it. It had been a difficult few months, and you knew your girlfriends needed the support of their best friends, so Alexia knew, and Frido knew you were trying. As such, you also decided that Ingrid and Mapi could tell them about the pregnancy first.

Telling Alexia went according to plan, for the most part. The three of you had her and Olga over for dinner, presenting her with a box after everyone had eaten. Alexia looked quizzically between the three of you, before she opened it up to find a very small Putellas jersey inside. The entire time you’d been trying to get pregnant, Alexia had teased Mapi that she’d get the baby in a Putellas jersey if it was the last thing she did, Mapi insisting the baby would only wear her and Ingrid’s jerseys. Alexia knew, instantly, what this meant, and to everyone’s shock, the blonde woman immediately covered her face, and broke down into tears. 

“Oh my god, I am so happy for you,” she sobbed, hands still hiding her face. 

You and Ingrid were frozen, never really having seen Alexia cry. Not like this. Olga simply rolled her eyes, placing a comforting hand on her girlfriend’s back and rubbing softly. Mapi was close to tears too, shockingly. 

“What is happening?” You whispered to Ingrid, as both Spaniards tried to pull themselves together. 

“I’m not really sure. Maybe I put too much pepper on the chicken,” Ingrid whispered back, and you covered your mouth to hide your laugh. 

Very suddenly, Alexia slid her chair back, clambering over to Mapi and yanking her up from her own chair. She pulled her into a bone crushing hug, which Mapi met eagerly. They hugged for a while. Long enough for everyone to grow even more confused. When they broke apart, Alexia pulled Ingrid into a hug, and Olga got up too. Alexia wiped at her tears hurriedly, sending you an apologetic smile as she hugged you, too, so gently you could have laughed. 

“I’m sorry, I just know how hard it’s been, and how badly all three of you wanted this, and it’s been so long, and I’m just really happy for you,” Alexia rambled. Behind her, Mapi blushed heavily, and you and Ingrid exchanged knowing glances. 

Mapi had been the picture of strength the past few months. While you had cried, and Ingrid had cried, Mapi had remained optimistic and perfect. Both of you had been wondering how she was managing it. It seemed that the answer was Alexia. She had been spending more time with her, and if there was anyone Mapi trusted with her feelings, it was her best friend. 

With that mystery solved, and the secret finally out, the five of you spent a long time in the living room, discussing all things baby related. Alexia really was so excited for you guys. She held onto the baby Putellas kit pretty much the rest of the night, and you were beginning to get the feeling she was having other thoughts as well. If the longing glances she was sending Olga’s way were any indication, they weren’t too far off from being parents either. 

That thought filled you with so much joy. Alexia and Mapi together were hilarious, and their children together could only be more entertaining. This was one of the fun parts of growing up; getting to watch the people around you grow and change in the best ways.

------

Telling Frido went less according to plan. In fact, no one even told her. 

The three of you were supposed to have her over for dinner over the weekend, and tell her the same way you’d told Alexia. You saw her before that, though, at the midweek match. It was at home, and you were in attendance, sitting in the stands per usual. Frido had picked up a small injury, and was sitting the game out to make sure she was good to go for the more difficult games coming up in the next few weeks. 

It was going fine, completely normally, for the first 15 minutes of the match. You and Frido exchanged easy small talk, most of your attention on the pitch. 

Then, there was a break in play, as one of the opposing players received treatment on the pitch. Frido took the opportunity to look at you, her eyes piercing as she looked down at you, almost smugly. 

“What?” You asked defensively. 

Frido just shook her head, turning back to the pitch. “You’re pregnant.” 

“I- I’m… what?” You stuttered, absolutely baffled. 

“You are pregnant.” She said again. It wasn’t a question either time, and you just blinked at her, wondering if Ingrid had let it slip or something. 

“Why do you think that?” 

“Because you’re glowing. And you were supposed to take a test last week, and Ingrid didn’t call me in tears at all last week, so I know you didn’t test negative. And when you walked off the pitch, away from them, Ingrid and Mapi looked like they were worried you were going to be kidnapped or struck by lightning or something. Also, Mapi bought a parenting book, and when Jana asked her about it, she said she was ‘just preparing’. We both know Mapi doesn’t prepare for things that aren’t happening for sure.”

She really had you there. You couldn’t lie, and she was looking at you expectantly. 

“Dammit Frido,” you sighed. 

She grinned at you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you in tight. “Congratulations.” 

She said it quietly, but the word was filled with emotion, and you knew that she, too, knew how hard this had been. You were struck, then, with a sense of gratitude, that your girls had such incredible friends. They deserved nothing less. 

After the match, after Barça won, you and Frido headed down to the pitch. Ingrid looked confused when the Swede pulled her into a tight hug, her expression growing shocked when Frido congratulated her quietly. 

“Love, we were going to tell her together,” the Norwegian scolded you, catching the attention of Mapi, who sent you a [less convincing] stern glare. 

You threw your hands up in the air. “I didn’t say anything, she figured it out,” you defended. All three of you turned to Frido, who was, once again, smirking rather smugly at you all. 

“You are bad at keeping secrets, all of you. I’d work on that, or the whole team will know before you’re out of the first trimester.” She said. 

“Know what?” Claudia asked, popping up from behind Frido with a mischievous glint in her eyes, like she knew she’d heard something she wasn’t supposed to. 

It was going to be a long first trimester, if this singular match was any indication.

------

This wasn’t to say that everything went smoothly once you were pregnant. 

Things were alright up until the 4th month. You had a bump by then. You hadn’t thought that it would bother you, gaining weight, not when it was happening for a specific purpose. You’d always had a certain level of discomfort in regards to your body, not that you’d ever admit it. Dating professional athletes had its perks and its drawbacks; your girlfriend’s bodies happened to be both. Normally, you were able to push through your insecurities easily, helped by the way Ingrid and Mapi worshiped you. 

Now, though, everything was different. Your whole body was changing, and you felt so different. What was worse was that you were only in month 4. There were still 5 months to go. You were really struggling. Maybe it was the hormones, too, you weren’t really sure, but letting them see you naked wasn’t an option, suddenly. You shrugged out from under their hands, you didn’t let Mapi pull your shirt up to talk to your bump before bed, and you hadn’t had sex in weeks. The bathroom door remained locked when you changed or showered, when it never had been before. 

They noticed pretty early on that something was going on. At first, they thought they were hovering too much. That didn’t seem to be it, though, because you wanted to be around them, clearly, you just couldn’t stand it when they touched you too much. They brought it up to you briefly, and Mapi believed your explanation that it was a sensory thing, for a while, but Ingrid saw through that. She just wasn’t sure how to bring it up without making you feel worse. It was evident you were feeling a fair amount of shame, and you didn’t want them to know this was going on. You felt so stupid; there was no reason for you to be so upset about something that was completely normal. Your body was built for this, and yet, you felt so uncomfortable, so unnatural. 

Ingrid was waiting for the right opportunity, which came a few days after you’d lied and given an excuse as to your odd behavior. The three of you were on the couch, watching a movie. Well and Ingrid were watching a movie. Mapi was squished against you, her hands roaming dangerously about your body, her lips nipping lightly over your skin every so often. 

You were enjoying it, honestly, until one of her hands drifted down to your thigh, squeezing lightly. Your thighs were a body part you currently were not very happy with, and you flinched away from the contact, pushing Mapi’s hand off of you, and sliding closer to Ingrid. Mapi tried not to be hurt, keeping her hands to herself and simply resting her head against your arm. Ingrid looked down at you with concern, but your attention was fixated on the TV, so she shrugged it off. 

Until a minute later, when she heard a small sniffle. She looked over at Mapi, who was looking at you. Ingrid tilted your chin up towards her, seeing a few tears in your eyes. 

“Hey,” she cooed. “What’s wrong, love?”

“I’m sorry, María,” you cried, reaching for her hand. You’d noticed how hurt she’d looked when you pulled away from her, and that hadn’t been your intention. 

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t want to, that’s okay, that’s always okay,” she assured you, kissing the side of your head repeatedly. That seemed to help, and you nodded, weakly smiling at her. She returned your smile, leaning in very slowly and pressing her lips to yours. You met her eagerly, kissing her back with hunger before she pulled away, pushing a strand of hair out of your face. 

Ingrid was not smiling. “Hey, elskling?” 

“Yeah?” You replied, shifting to look up at her. The small smile on your face melted away as you took in the concerned expression on Ingrid’s. 

“You know you can tell us anything, right?” She asked softly, her thumb tracing across your cheekbone. 

“Of course I do.” You told her, somewhat uncomfortably. Ingrid could sense your discomfort, but she pushed anyway. You needed to talk about whatever was bothering you. 

“Then talk to us, love. Something isn’t right.”

You knew she was talking about more than just your rejection of Mapi’s advances this evening. You sighed deeply, and the Spaniard sat up once she realized you were about to talk, leaning on her elbow to look at you next to her. 

“I look… different.” You said shortly. 

“Yes. You’re growing a baby inside of you, love. You’re supposed to look different.” Ingrid said, attempting to reassure you, not knowing this only made you feel worse. You knew you were supposed to look different; that didn’t stop you from disliking it.

“I know.” 

“But…?” Mapi prompted you. 

“I don’t like it.” You whispered. “I hate it. I hate how every part of my body is getting bigger. I can’t even look at myself, not when you two are so beautiful.” 

“Oh, mi amor,” Mapi sighed, curling herself closer around your body. 

“I’m not pretty anymore, and you guys are going to hate how I look, and leave me, and-” You knew you were spiraling, catastrophizing, but you couldn’t stop yourself, not even when Ingrid insistently placed her hands on your cheeks, turning your face towards her. 

“You are beautiful. So beautiful. You were beautiful before you got pregnant, and you are beautiful now. You will always be pretty. Gaining weight will never change that, my darling, never. And definitely not when you’re carrying our child.” She said decisively. 

Mapi spoke then, her voice right in your ear as she clung to you. “I could never hate how you look, I love you too much for that. When I tell you that you are perfect, I mean it. You and Ingrid are the best parts of me, and I would never leave you, no matter what.” 

You closed your eyes, trying to let the words wash over you, let yourself relish in the feeling of being so completely and entirely loved. You opened them, though, when you felt Ingrid move. She was kneeling on the floor in front of you, and her hands rested on the hem of your shirt, waiting for your permission. When you nodded, she lifted it up, letting it bunch around your sternum, before began to lightly kiss your skin, starting at your thighs, alternating legs, moving up slowly until she was kissing your bump, up to your collarbone, your neck, your jaw, and finally, her lips pressed themselves against yours. You couldn’t get over the way either woman was looking at you, with so much love and adoration. Like they were in complete awe of you. 

You exhaled against Ingrid’s mouth sharply, more tears falling down your cheeks. This time, though, they weren’t sad tears. You were crying because of how well Ingrid and Mapi loved you, how they always knew just what to say, and just what to do. It was this, most of all, that you were most excited to see transform into parenthood. It was different, and new, but at its core, it was still your Ingrid, and your Mapi. The three of you, together, with a new little addition. 

It was confidence in their love that had you surging forward suddenly, wrapping your arm around Ingrid’s neck, and drawing Mapi in closer by the front of her shirt. There was no room for insecurity when they held you this close, when they worked at your body like it was divine, like it was sent from heaven, just for them. All you had to do was let them in, and they’d make everything better, always. They’d do it for the baby, too, you were sure. For now, though, you needed to enjoy your dwindling time with just the three of you. And you planned to do so. 

------

no part 2 to this probably, i'm pretty happy with where it is :)

[moonbaetarot]

Pick a pile

what will your next relationship be like

1. 2. 3.

Pile 1

This person is going to respect your boundaries and respect you as a whole they know where they stand In the relationship. They are a bit greedy with their money they may be very money oriented. They do have a very good job tho. This relationship is going to have a good foundation. This person may be a bit jealous they don’t like other people trying to hit on you or in the way of your relationship. If they are a male they show their emotions they aren’t afraid to show emotions and tell you how they feel if they are sad or had a bad day. I feel like you can go to this person if you need an opinion on something and they are going to tell you the truth right or wrong. You are definitely going to be physically intimate with this person. You Two may meet at work or while traveling. This relationship will definitely be a big change in your life. You could meet this person in the summer time. I feel like at the end of the day this relationship with very lighthearted, just two people making memories and having fun. This person may be a bit stubborn or you are. For some this person could a distant friend at first.

Thank you for reading loves! 🤍

Pile 2

I see that you manifested this person into your life you may have been single for a while before you two meet. This relationship is going to be adventures I see you trying and doing a lot of new things with this person. If you procrastinate a lot this person is going to help you not procrastinating as much like if you put off making your bed they are going to be like “come on babe just do it it’s going to take like 5 minutes” I feel like they really help you with that. You two compliment each other so well. Y’all may get into fights about petty little things but they do this just to play fight with you lol. I feel like at times you may feel like this person doesn’t have enough time to be in a relationship or has to much on there plate to be in one. this person is going to be on the same level and vibe as you like if you’re someone who has a lot of energy they definitely do aswell. This love you two have if going go be very passionate and firey. You can go to this person for advice they are a very wise person. They are going to have a huge crush on you i see them watching your from a far not in a creepy way lol they may just be in the same area as you or watch you on social media before they make their move on you.

Thank you for reading loves! 🤍

Pile 3

I feel like this relationship is really going to heal you. Someone in this pile may have mommy/daddy issues and this person like heals that in you. If you don’t have issues with your parents it may just be you have never really felt loved or cared for in that way. You or this person could be very artistic and creative. This person is very romantic they love buying you flowers, taking you on dates and buying you whatever you want. This person cares about you and your feelings they put a lot of effort into you and this relationship. This relationship is going to be deep and loving built through trust and understanding. I feel like this person is very good with there words. This person is going to going to show you what’s it’s like to be loved. I see this relationship lasting a very long time this is definitely an important and significant relationship in your life time. They want the world with you they want a future with you. You’re on the right path to meeting this person keep doing what you’re doing and you two will meet. For some you you just got out of a relationship/situation this happened so you and this new person could meet. This person likes to be in charge and dominant in the relationship. You may meet this person after some type of family sorrow. I see you venting and crying to this person about this sorrow i feel like this took a big toll on you. But they are they to care and comfort you. You may love candles or like fire.

Thank you for reading loves! 🤍

[starsofang]

Change of Heart

hitman!ghost x f!reader / part 3

previous part

tw: alcohol use, brief mentions of suicide, soft ghost <3

When life has completely and utterly failed you, you hire a hitman to take you out, too afraid to do it yourself. Instead of killing you like you had planned, he strikes up a deal with you, and you're too stubborn to bail out.

Day six.

You made it another day in your deal with Ghost, and it was supposed to feel good. The entire point was to prove to him and yourself that you didn’t want to die, that you could figure out the demons in your head and summon them out, but it was proving to be a much more difficult task than you thought.

Waking up on the morning of your sixth day didn’t feel all that good like you thought it would. Ghost hadn’t returned to your apartment since he stayed to see you make it to day five, and you weren’t sure when he was coming back.

It wasn’t clear why you were taking a liking to his company. Maybe you were lonely, maybe you just needed a friend, and he happened to be there in the right place at the right time.

The thought of it scared you, though. You hadn’t let anybody into your life since your ex-boyfriend, and you always preferred it that way – keeping a distance meant you wouldn’t get hurt again, and certainly, this masked man would eventually do the same thing to you if he decided to stick around.

You wanted to call the deal off. Not because you still wanted him to kill you, not because you wanted your life to end, but because you didn’t want to grow attached, just for you to not have a change of heart in the end.

It would be fucked up of you if you allowed a bond to form between you and Ghost, only to take it away through an act of death after the deal was up. That would just be plain selfish.

So, you tried distracting yourself instead.

It was a nice day today, and the weather, albeit chilly with that slight bite of cold wind, was an almost perfect excuse to take a night off and have fun by yourself in a bar. Surely, that doesn’t count as you going against Ghost’s deal of self-healing bullshit if it’s just for fun, right?

That’s exactly what led you to appear at a local bar downtown. Ironically, it was right down the street from the coffee shop where you first met Simon in the meeting to discuss your self-proclaimed suicide mission. You passed it on your walk to the bar, and a slight feeling of guilt tugged at your heartstrings as your eyes drifted to it, even as it was already behind you.

Shaking the guilt away, you continued on your journey along the sidewalk. There was no reason to feel guilty. You owed nothing to Ghost, and you were still technically keeping up your end of the bargain. A harmless night of fun was something you needed to shoo away those demons, at least that’s what you told yourself.

The bar wasn’t packed, which you didn’t mind. After all, it was only a Thursday night and most people had work the next morning. Lucky for you, that meant the bar wouldn’t take a long time for your drink orders, so you wasted no time in diving in, conversing with the bartender as the night went on.

About four drinks in, you could feel the weight of the alcohol lay heavy on your mind. It made things a bit hazy, like a brewing fog was beginning to loom over you. Your arms rested comfortably on the bar counter, head slightly bowed down as you attempted to keep yourself upright. Being an ex-alcoholic (you absolutely were not an ex, you just loved to float down the river of denial), alcohol was unpredictable in the way it affected your body.

Sometimes, it forced you to loosen up and have fun.

Other times, it made the weight of your issues much heavier.

Right now, it was an awkward middle, like your body was torn between wanting to enjoy this moment of serene relaxation, and wanting to plop right into bed and sleep your worries away, pretending they never existed in the first place.

The sound of somebody plunking themselves down on the stool next to you forced your head to lift, and when you came in sight of that damned mask, you wanted to stand up and let your legs lead you right to the bar’s exit.

Ghost sat unbothered, ordered himself a bourbon from the kind bartender. She flashed him a polite smile, throwing me a slight glance, and when you gave her a shrug, she left the two of you alone after retrieving Ghost’s drink.

“You a stalker now or something?” you grumbled in feigned annoyance, letting your head loll back down on the counter with a huff.

Ghost’s hand wrapped around the glass of bourbon while the other lifted his mask enough to reveal his mouth. You noticed instantly that he wasn’t wearing his gloves, and you stared at the littered scars on his hands as well as the veins that ran up from his knuckles and beneath the cuff of his hoodie sleeve.

Swallowing, you forced yourself to look away from them, opting on his eyes.

“Somethin’ like that,” he hummed, tipping the glass to his mouth to take a sip of the bitter alcohol. You wrinkled your nose up at it, not quite fond of dark liquor (though, who were you to be picky, seeing your collection of scattered bottles that consumed your home?).

“‘M not gonna kill myself, y’know,” you slurred out in defense, rolling your head so your cheek rested flat on the counter as you stared at him with what you hoped was perceived as disapproval.

“I know, love. Wouldn’t hire me if you were.”

Touche.

Frowning to yourself, you observed the way his lips parted to allow more of the murky liquor to pour into his mouth and down his throat, your eyes dropping to see his throat bob as he swallowed. The small scar on his lips caught your eye, and you couldn’t help but stare at it for a moment more, taking in the slight curve of it over his top lip, the scar tissue white in contrast to the light pinkess of his mouth.

“Why are you here?” you managed to ask, having to practically pry your eyes away from him.

The alcohol must’ve been getting to your brain too much, because you had the brief thought that he looked pretty. Gosh, half of his face was still covered by the mask, what was wrong with you?

“Went by your place. Saw you weren’t there.”

“You mean broke into my place,” you corrected, and you swore you nearly saw stars from the way his lip curled up in amusement.

“Mm. Maybe that,” he agreed with a careless shrug.

He leaned one of his arms on the counter, tilting his head in your direction. You could feel his eyes taking you in, studying you as always, as if you were a book he was analyzing every time he saw you. They stare at your cheeks, flushed from the alcohol. Your hair, which was lazily falling in your face from where your head lay. Your mouth, which was pulled into a mix of a frown and a pout that you clearly had no intentions of wiping off.

“Why are you here?” He repeated the question back to you, and you gave him the same shrug he had given you.

“I can’t have fun?”

“This fun to you?”

“...No.”

He chuckled out a laugh that rumbled you to the core, and you blinked stupidly at him as he downed the rest of the bourbon.

“Thought so, sweetheart. It’s a bit dingy in here, innit?”

You shifted your eyes to take in the bar, and sad to say, he was right. The bar itself wasn’t all that great, though you didn’t necessarily come because it was lavish. It was pretty old and outdated, with wooden counters, old floors, and stools that creaked under every movement. But hey, they had a pool table and a dart board, so it wasn’t all that bad.

“Maybe just a bit,” you sighed out, and he smiled at you.

“Right. So why are you here?” He asked again, and you stared at him for a moment before sighing again.

“Figuring myself out like you wanted me to,” you offered, and he raised an unimpressed eyebrow under the balaclava.

“Figurin’ yourself out with half a dozen vodka cranberries isn’t somethin’ I see as helpful. Weird choice in drink, by the way.”

You opened your mouth to protest, but promptly shut it, because damn it, vodka cranberries really weren’t all that good.

His fingers tapped mindlessly along the empty glass in front of him, and you found your gaze once again drifting to take in the rough pads of his fingers and healed cuts on the back of his hand. For a moment, a very, very brief moment, you wished you could reach out and take hold of it, just to feel what it was like to hold somebody else’s hand again.

It had been a long time since you’d had any sort of touch, both innocent and intimate, and your ex-boyfriend certainly wasn’t the type of man to hold your hand like delicate glass and place kisses along the back of it.

Ghost let out a long sigh through his nose as he took note of your mental absence. “That pretty head of yours is always runnin’ around.”

Pretty head. He always said that, and now, it caused a weird clench in your chest.

“You’re pretty,” you blurted out drunkenly, and when Ghost stared at you in silence, you prayed that the floor would open up and swallow you whole. Never in your life had something so embarrassing happened, and you weren’t even sure why you said that.

You’d met Ghost a total of three times, and it wasn’t under normal circumstances. Most people meet a man on dating apps or at a damn park where they accidentally bump into one another and have a moment of love at first sight. You met Ghost off of the fucking dark web.

“You’re pretty too, sweetheart.” He chuckled in amusement, seemingly unbothered by your sudden display of admiration, and you felt your cheeks warm.

You aggressively turned your head away from him, plopping your other cheek on the counter so you wouldn’t have to look at him. He made no move to stop you, which you were thankful for.

“Think it’s ‘bout time you start goin’ home and get yourself ready for day seven, yeah?”

Ghost’s voice sent a buzz through your already fuzzy body, and instead of protesting, you found yourself nodding despite him being unable to see your face.

Yeah, home sounded good. Your bed sounded good. Sleeping this shame off sounded good.

“Okay,” you agreed quietly, and when you felt a hand lightly rest on your shoulder, you picked your head up to look at him.

His mask was back over his mouth, but his eyes crinkled in a familiar smile as he gestured his head to the bar door.

Oh. He wanted to walk you.

You stood on legs of jelly, lightly swaying as you gained your balance. His hand reached out to grab hold of your elbow, and when you met his soft gaze, you felt small underneath it. Tall was what he was, towering over you, but instead of feeling intimidated like you did in your first meeting, you felt a wave of security.

Ghost had somehow knew you would be here, drinking away your sorrows, and he showed up with no judgment. Now he was offering to walk you to your apartment, even though he barely knew you.

Were hitmen always this sweet? Or was it just Ghost?

You let your mind run astray as he gently guided you out of the bar and on the sidewalk of downtown, keeping a light grip on you the entire way. No words were said, but none needed to be. The silence was comforting, and it allowed you your moment of serenity while you processed just how much this man was doing for you on his own free whim.

You expected Ghost to simply drop you off at your door and leave you to go inside, but when he fumbled with the doorknob and led you into your home, you realized he wasn’t that kind of asshole and he wanted to make sure you made it to bed instead of a heap on the floor.

His hand remained on your elbow as he took you to your room. The sight of your bed was one that could’ve brought you to tears, and you happily crawled into it, curling up in a ball the moment your head hit the pillow.

Ghost stood by your bedside as he waited for you to get comfortable, before stepping out of the room. At first, you thought he left you without saying goodbye.

Your mind plagued you in those futile seconds. Was he mad at you? Did you disappoint him by going out and drinking again?

Then you heard the tell tale signs of him rummaging around in cabinets, and you could only guess he was in the kitchen. You continued to lay there patiently while he proceeded with whatever task he busied himself with, eyes staring into the darkness that filled the room.

When he returned, he was holding a glass of water, which he set carefully on the nightstand near your head.

You didn’t understand. Nobody had ever shown you such kindness before. Life had only ever given you the hands of people who would use you up until you were wrung dry. People always expected things in return, and your fear was making you wonder if that was what Ghost was expecting.

To make things worse, you practically invited that idea into his head by saying he was pretty.

“Why are you doing this?” you asked, voice barely above a whisper. It came out in a tone that revealed your hidden uncertainty, and he instantly took note of it from the way his eyes softened beneath the fabric of his mask.

“You’re drunk. Not goin’ to just leave you there to dehydrate.”

“No.” You shook your head, frowning up at him. “I mean, why are you doing any of this? The deal, helping me, watching me, I– I don’t understand. I can’t give you what you want.”

“And what is it that I want, sweetheart?” he asked you, crouching down by your bedside so he could be eye level with you. You wanted to look away, you should’ve looked away, but you had never seen such gentle eyes before.

“I… I don’t know. Sex? More money? Isn’t this all some sort of trick?”

“Sex? A trick?” His tone was slightly offended, perhaps even hurt, and you instantly wanted to take your words back. “No, sweetheart, that’s not why I’m doin’ any of this. I’m doin’ this ‘cause I care.”

“But why?”

The air filled with silence as we competed in a staredown, and the sobering side of you was regretting every moment of this conversation. Stupid girl, always ruining good things, why can’t you ever keep your mouth shut–

“I see myself in you,” he confessed, and you shut your mind up. You didn’t respond, only continuing to stare at him, waiting for him to continue. “You’re hurtin’. I can see that. Life’s treated you real bad, hasn’t it?”

His words felt both like salt being poured into your open wounds, while simultaneously placing a bandaid over them with loving hands.

“You’re the only person who’s ever tried to hire me to kill themselves. Couldn’t just leave you high ‘n dry like that, not when you’re hurtin’ that bad. I don’t want to kill you, sweetheart.”

“You don’t?”

“No.”

“But… you will, if I end up deciding that’s what I want, right?” You weren’t sure if you were convincing yourself or convincing him.

Ghost stared at you, eyes flickering over your face that was dimly lit up from the stray rays of moonlight peeking in through your sliding door of your balcony. Your eyes were slightly glossed over from both the alcohol and unshed tears that threatened to spill, and he wanted nothing more than to wipe them away, to encourage you to let them fall.

“Don’t know if I have the willpower to do that to you anymore, sweetheart.”

He stood up from where he was crouched beside your bed, and your eyes followed, staying locked on his.For a pause in time, the two of you said nothing, and the room filled with a deafening silence that made it hard to breathe.

It was broken when he carefully lifted his hand, reaching to your face to brush a stray hair that was hanging over your eyes. The rough pad of his finger lingered, tracing along your eyebrow and tracing out the feature before promptly pulling back.

“Get some rest,” he said, voice soft and quiet, but still with the tinges of gravelly undertone that made it sound like a sweet lullaby.

Your nod was confirmation for him to leave, and as he stepped out of your bedroom, you called out to him.

“Thank you for bringing me home, Ghost,” you thanked with a grateful smile.

He looked at you for a moment before smiling himself, evident in the way his eyes wrinkled.

“Call me Simon, love.”

[just-trying-to-fangirl-in-peace]

Perfect illusion (Sauron x Celebrimbor’s daughter!reader)

-> in which you have to sit by your father’s side as Sauron coerces him into finishing the Nine, realizing just how blind you have been all along

Warnings: No romance, just angst. You marry Annatar (+ implied smut) when you don’t know he’s Sauron, so there’s all the emotional torment and consent issues that come with that. Uncomfortable touching (not smut) after you find out he’s Sauron. Manipulation, mind control and victim blaming as per canon

You sit in your chair, watching your father work. A familiar thing, which you have done a million times before. Before, however, there had never been a shackle around his wrist, or blood marring his brow. There had never been rubble scattered about the workplace, or the sound of battle coming through the window. Before, there had never been The Dark Lord standing behind you, his hands weighing you down as though the ceiling had collapsed upon you.

That is not to say that they are forceful. No, his touch is soft, as it has always been, his fingers brushing your hair gently, almost absent-mindedly. At times they reach your neck or your cheek, grazing your skin and sending shivers down your spine. You dig your nails painfully into your own hands to keep from trembling. It’s the least, even if the most inconsequential thing, that you can still do—to deny him this small satisfaction.

“Stop that,” Sauron says, his voice deceivingly gentle as he gives your shoulder a warning squeeze. “You’ll only hurt yourself.”

Of course, that only makes you want to clench your fists harder. But you force yourself to open them, mindful of what might happen if you disobey.

“You once took comfort in my touch,” he says. If you knew no better, you’d believe the sorrow in his voice is genuine. “It is only comfort I wish to give you now as well.”

His knuckles brush your cheek, painfully tender and excruciatingly familiar. Though you’ve been trying to keep as still as possible, you cannot help but turn your face away, if only just an inch.

His hand stills mid-air, then returns to your shoulder. He takes a breath, quiet but long and deep.

“I have caused you suffering. That is true,” he admits, patiently. “But I assure you that this too shall pass. Once Middle-Earth is healed, and the people will see what we did here... your feelings will change.”

You can’t help how your breath quickens, chest trembling with anger. It only becomes worse when Sauron puts his fingers to your chin, coaxing you to twist your neck and look up into his piercing eyes. “You must know it pains me,” he says, “treating you like—”

“Like you have treated countless others?” your father intercedes in haste.

Sauron’s attention turns to Celebrimbor then, as your father had no doubt hoped it would. The whole time he’d been working, his eyes kept straying to you, as if to make sure you are still alive and whole. To your relief, Sauron removes his hand from your face. To your dread, he is now moving towards Celebrimbor, displeased with his remark.

“Like Morgoth treated me,” he corrects, hovering over your father.

You are not bound. You could, in theory, try to run. But you are not foolish enough to believe you could escape. Any such attempt would only earn you a shackle of your own, similar to your father’s. Though, you’re starting to believe that the cold bite of metal might just be more bearable than the silent imprisonment of your husband’s touch.

Your husband. The word twists in your stomach, carves holes into your heart. It all came so naturally to you when you spoke the vows and sealed the bond. Now, you can’t imagine how you got here. All you know are the facts of what happened, and even those no longer seem to make sense in your weakened mind.

You know who you used to be, when the world still made sense: daughter of Celebrimbor, the greatest of Elven smiths. You think his talents mixed with your mother’s magic may have resulted in your gift to manipulate materials in particular ways which do not necessarily come naturally. You know the mithril had refused to be coaxed into joining with the other metals without your intervention. You know Halbrand had been the one to suggest that you try it.

You know how easily he had endeared himself to you from the moment you met, and how confusing and sharp the pain had been when he disappeared without a trace. You know how quick you had been to let him into Eregion when he returned, despite Galadriel’s inexplicable request that you refrain from doing so.

You know the transition from Halbrand to Annatar had been unexpected, if not jarring, but in the end the pull you felt towards him was unchanged. You know there were touches, desire... trust.

You no longer know why. Because there never was a reason—not a true one, anyway. Only his deception, his mind games. But at the time, you didn’t know. At the time, it had made perfect sense when, one night, you had found yourself at the dining table, anxious about giving your father the news of what had happened a mere few hours prior.

Annatar was to your side, sitting at the head of the long table, while your father was across from you. He may be the Lord of Eregion, but he had insisted that an emissary of the Valar should take the most important seat. Yet despite your father’s deep admiration for Annatar, you were not sure how he would react.

“As you know,” you began tentatively, “Lord Annatar has been a close and trusted friend to me, these past few weeks. As he has been to you.”

“Indeed,” your father nodded. His unsure smile and knitted brow told you he was at a loss for what you were leading up to. You opened your mouth, but found yourself quite tongue-tied. You glanced at Annatar, who graciously took over.

“However,” he continued, lips forming a gentle, almost bashful smile, “after a time, we found that there were... deeper feelings between us.”

Though he was speaking to Celebrimbor, his gaze sought yours. You met it, heart fluttering as he wrapped your hand in his, resting them on the table in such a way that the new ring on your finger was in your father’s line of sight.

“Annatar has proposed marriage, father,” you finally say, turning to him. “And I have accepted.”

Your father blinked, eyebrows lifting in an expression of wordless surprise. When words failed to leave his mouth, Annatar took it upon himself to break the silence once more.

“My friend, I...” He trailed off, uncharacteristically hesitant in his choice of words. “I am well aware I should have asked for your blessing beforehand. Especially since things have progressed with such unusual haste, but—”

“Oh, nonsense!” your father burst out, as if finally regaining his senses. “Nonsense, my friend, this...” A short laugh bubbled out of him as he turned to you with a face-splitting grin. “Such wonderful news! Oh, my dear,” he took your hand in his, gazing in wonder upon your betrothal ring before he pressed a kiss filled with fatherly love to your knuckles. “You could not have found a better match,” he praised.

“The same is true for myself,” Annatar said, giving you that kind smile of his that never failed to have you return it.

Relief washed over you. All was well.

You’d be lying to say there isn’t a part of you that resents your father for giving you away so eagerly. He could not stop you no matter who you chose to wed, but with anyone else, he’d have at the very least warned you that the engagement had happened much too quickly. He’d have been more cautious of your betrothed, tried to determine whether or not their intentions towards you were true. But Annatar, in your father’s eyes, was of divine nature, and the thought of becoming kin with one of his kind had filled your father with such pride, it overshadowed all else.

You wonder if he is as ashamed of that moment now as you are. And of everything that came after.

You’re not sure if speaking the wedding vows had somehow allowed Sauron better dominion over your mind, or if you were simply too far gone by then. Little by little, more and more over time, you came to depend on your husband. When your father began acting strange and ill-tempered, Annatar alone knew of his ailment, and he alone could help him heal. He alone could provide the comfort you needed as you watched your father lose himself by the day, unaware that the same was happening to you.

He always knew when and what to say to bring you peace. He never seemed to leave your side, whether in the presence of others or alone. And you craved being alone with him more than anything else. He was an expert lover, so attuned to the needs of your flesh, it was as though he could slither beneath your skin and discern for himself which of his touches felt the most exquisite. Being near him was a delight in itself, but intimacy with him was simply addictive.

Warm morning light flooded through your window, and you wondered how you were supposed to ever leave this bed. Lying on your husband’s chest, skin to skin in the afterglow of your love-making, everything else in the world seemed so inconsequential in comparison.

“Do you ever sleep?” you asked, wondering suddenly how it had never crossed your mind before. He was always by your side as you drifted to sleep—most often spent from yet another passionate exchange—and he was there to greet you each time you awoke. Yet he was not of your kind, and an emissary of the Valar seemed to you above such things as sleep.

“It is not in my nature to sleep,” he admitted, fingers tracing gentle lines up and down your spine. “But I rather enjoy laying by your side as you do.”

Your heart soared at the quiet adoration in his voice. And before long, you found yourself aching for him once more. You brushed his neck with your lips, lightly at first, and then with more insistence, making your desire known.

“Again?” he asked, faintly amused.

You lifted your head, the smallest furrow in your brow. “Does it bother you?”

“Not in the least,” he replied. If that wasn’t reassurance enough, his lips caught yours, and he moved so that your body was safely beneath his, and even the thousandth time would not have been enough.

You can still taste his kisses—and they feel like ash. You remember how each time you became one, it felt better, but only now can you see how it made things so much worse. A corner of your mind, growing larger by the day, was always occupied by him. Each time you aided in the making of one of your father’s Ring designs, you did so with thoughts of Annatar. You know now why he wanted it that way—your craving for his touch, your utter devotion to him, seeping into the Rings the Power, one by one. You think you might have known even then. But he was always careful not to push you too far, to bring you back from the brink of suspicion before it ever started to take shape in your mind.

Even when the reality of things was undeniable before your eyes.

Your last night before finding out had been spent in a dreadful haze. Sleep felt more like a waking prison as you dreamt of terrible, yet distant things, hearing screams without seeing where they came from, seeing blood and ashes on streets you felt you should but could not recognize. You were grateful to wake up and see the sunlit sky beyond your window. Its light adorned your husband’s hair beautifully, the familiar sight of him sitting on the edge of your bed bringing you further relief.

“There you are,” he greeted softly, brow creased with a trace of concern. “You gave us quite the scare.”

“What—?” Your attempt to speak ended in a cough, as if you’d been breathing dust instead of air. Annatar left your side in haste, returning but a moment later with a glass of water.

“Here,” he said, putting the glass to your lips. You took it gladly, relishing the water soothing your throat. Once Annatar had helped you sit up and settle against the pillows, you asked, as you had meant to, “What happened?”

There was pity in his gaze. “Don’t you remember, my love?”

You shut your eyes, trying to grasp at figments of blurry images. “I was outside, I think. Mirdania was there. And you. And...”

Annatar shook his head, speaking as softly as if to a frightened child. “Earlier in the day, perhaps. When you collapsed, you were in the forge, with me and Lord Celebrimbor. When you sought to aid your father in merging the metals for his latest attempt at the Nine, your efforts over these past weeks took their toll on you.” He gave you a sympathetic smile, fingers brushing your cheek. “You fell right into my arms.”

“I did?”

His words did evoke images. The memory was there, somewhere. But the more you tried to reach for it, the more your insides churned.

“Be at ease,” Annatar soothed. “You merely slept through the night. I have watched over you all the while, and I shall do so until you are better.”

Better. Yes, you would get better.

But you knew, deep in your bones, that you were not well. The sense of dread within you refused to recede, lingering in the furthest corner of your mind even in the moments where you felt the safest. Something deeply rooted in you wanted it all to be over—the work, the forging, the ailments, your father’s as well as yours. You wished so desperately for things to return to the way they used to be before the Rings, it felt as though a great fist had clenched around your heart and refused to release it. But then again, before the Rings, there hadn’t been Annatar. And your need for him hurt just as terribly.

In the end, everything hurt. Everything.

“Are you in pain?” your husband murmured. You hadn’t realized tears were already sliding down your cheeks.

You broke into sobs.

He slipped beneath the covers and wrapped you in his arms. It became even harder to breathe, and you clung to him all the harder for it, desperate to find that peace that he had offered you time and again.

“Hush, my love,” he cooed, holding you close to his chest as you wept for reasons unknown. “All will be well soon.”

You had fallen into his arms, just like he’d said. Only, you hadn’t been inside the forge, but outside, just as your mind had fruitlessly struggled to remind you. You were there when the siege alarms began to blare and chaos erupted in the streets. When you saw your husband walk amongst it, you had run to him at once. Asking where your father was, wanting to stand united with your kin amidst the unfolding madness.

Darkness had engulfed your vision instead, shrouding your memory as well. He must have carried you back to your chambers himself, crafting an illusion within your mind to match the one in which Celebrimbor was already trapped.

It makes sense now. How desperately you had clung to the very source of your misery. One cannot satisfy thirst by drinking sea water, but you, in your foolishness, had drunk enough to drain the sea.

“You chose it,” he now tells your father, speaking of the suffering he had inflicted, “not I.”

And there’s a part of you that believes him, even as another screams inside you that his words are poison. You cling desperately to the scrap of reason within you which recognizes that his claims are atrocious—that it is Celebrimbor who forced Sauron to torment him, that he is the true author of his own torment. You watch in disbelief, feeling as though you’re falling through the floor, waiting for your father to refute Sauron’s lies as if hearing the truth spoken out loud will save you from shattering to pieces at the bottom of the abyss.

And you can tell he wants to. There is defiance in Celebrimbor’s eyes as he glances to you, the fire of his will still burning beneath the burden of his torment. But, slowly and surely, he tames it. Averts his gaze in shame.

“Very well,” your father says. “Give me the blame. Punish me as you see fit. You have already taken my city. But I beg you,” his voice trembles, tears gathering in his eyes, “let my daughter leave.”

A smirk tugs at Sauron’s lips. “Your daughter...” He returns to your side, gathering your stiff hand in his and thumbing your wedding ring. “...is my wife, Celebrimbor. It is only natural that she should remain at my side.”

You and Celebrimbor exchange a despairing glance. Your father, determined to plea for your freedom—you, fearing the consequences he might bring upon himself.

“Please—”

“Father, don’t—”

“No!” he cries out. “I all but pushed you into his arms.” Tears slip from his regret-filled eyes. “That is my fault.”

Sauron takes a seat next to you, his brow furrowed as if he couldn’t possibly grasp the reason for such grievances.

“She has given herself to me freely,” he says, your hand still trapped in his as he wraps an arm around your shoulders. “Have you not?”

You glare daggers at him.

“How could I have chosen you freely, when I never knew who you were?” you hiss. It does nothing to deter him.

“Why do you lie to yourself? You knew.” You shake your head. He nods his, insisting, “Yes. Deep within your heart, you knew.”

“Don’t say such things to her,” Celebrimbor pleads, “I beg you—”

“Such things as the truth, Celebrimbor?” Sauron asks roughly, irritated by the interruption. “Tell him, my dear wife,” he challenges, “that you never once suspected I was more than what I claimed to be. That you never felt the caress of darkness within my touch.”

You cannot look at him, or at your father. You cannot speak those words, however desperately you wish you could.

“Tell him,” Sauron insists cruelly, squeezing your hand to the point of near pain.

“I did,” you murmur miserably. Sauron loosens his threatening grip on your hand, pleased.

“Yet even as you cried yourself to sleep in fear of it,” he goes on, “it was within my arms that you took comfort. Because, in truth, you were not afraid of who I was—you were afraid of how little it mattered to you.” A last spark of defiance drives you to make the mistake of meeting his gaze, and his sickly sympathetic smile makes you shudder within his hold. “He needed to create,” he reasons. “You needed to be desired. And I needed you both.”

His arm is no longer around you, but the relief is meager and short-lived as he then cups your cheek, thumb catching the tears that have begun to fall from your eyes. He insists to hold his hand there as you flinch, screwing your eyes shut. A small sigh leaves him.

“Have I not treated you well?” he asks. “Was I not kind to you when you most needed it? A caring husband, a most... generous lover?”

“Hold your wicked tongue!” you all but growl, your head jerking with enough force that he retracts his hand. Your eyes fly to Celebrimbor, and see that he has shut his in great pain. Shame crawls under your skin. Sauron smiles in a mockery of bashfulness.

“Forgive me for speaking of such matters before your father, but it is only the truth. You must admit that. And it need not change.”

His hand returns to your cheek then, pressed more firmly to it, and you only now realize it’s the one he cut. You feel a warm wetness on your skin, and know that once he removes it, his blood, black as the pitch, would be smeared there, marking you even further as his.

“The Rings are nearly finished,” you say through gritted teeth. “You never truly desired me. What more use could you have of me?”

“Who says I never desired you?” he whispers, almost as if wounded. “I would not have made you my wife, if it hadn’t been my wish to make you my Queen as well.”

His voice is so alluring, so saccharine and familiar to your ears, it takes everything in you to remind yourself that every word is a lie. And if you grasp at reason, you can tell why he speaks them. Because of your involvement in making the Rings, you would always have some measure of influence over them, so it serves him well to have you under his control. But not only that. He would relish knowing he has subdued you to his will. That he not only ensnared the mind of the greatest of Elven smiths, but also claimed his daughter as his prize.

A storm brews in Sauron’s eyes as he senses your persisting reluctance. His fingers grip your chin, pulling you close so that his breath falls on your cheek as he speaks.

“You will say yes to me once more.”

You hate how determined he is to make it so. You hate how helpless you are to do anything other than glare back at him.

But what you hate the most is that you are not certain he is wrong.

[rose-maidenn]

Pac : Let's get insights on your purpose for the next 5 months !

nov-dec-jan-feb-mar

using safe passage tarot from "Agatha all along"

Pile 1-2-3

Hey guys hope you're doing well , chose the Pile that calls to you intuitively, know that I'm not gonna sugarcoat things because I want your best . Hope you enjoy this

For more see masterlist and paid readings

Pile 1 :

You are represented by the king of wands a very charismatic person , you attract people who are looking for growth and you are someone who always wins in all fields you exactly know where to play the cards right to win . Alternatively for the other part of the group king of wands can mean someone who's nose is kind of everywhere they're at too many different things not giving one thing the change to reach the full potential.

What's missing is an ending !!! Ending to certain things relationships, people , in order to reach something new you have to let the old things go which is something you have to learn . You need stronger boundaries , more self worth and less attachment issues .

The lessons you have learnt is represented by the queen of wands it is about social settings I feel like you're someone who easily becomes friends with everyone and that's a good networking skill. You could also be someone who is very creative and starts at everything their heart calls for .

Your path ahead is represented by death , it calls for an ending ending of doubts , bad thought patters , old beliefs and relationships let shit go and see what happens .

Your Obstacles is represented by chariot I feel in this case it's about you staying in the same zone and resisting change it's like an ouroburos moving but in the wrong places and wrong circles , cut the string , your comfort zone is killing you honey

O of wands in this case is like don't wait around for anyone not even about being ready yourself just do what you need to do end the things that you need to you can't drag this anymore dear, this could also be about drug addiction or addiction in general .

Your destination is magician yay ! You know how if you just let shit go the magic happens so will it happen for you. Just let it go let people be , only work for yourself, give yourself all, heal and you will know you're powerful, you don't need a guru you're the star itself.

Thank you for reading, if you liked this and would like personal insights or a longer read to book click here .

Pile 2 :

You are represented by four of cups , you are someone who wants what they want and won't settle for anything. I sense a stern energy . Alternatively you might be someone who is extremely bored these days and just wants to lay .

What is missing is justice , you need to work hard rn for your dreams , but in the write direction I won't say you never worked hard but somehow in the wrong way , you might have a retrograde Saturn. You need to find what can do justice to yourself as you owe yourself everything and you are worth everything.

The path behind is represented by page of wands , your reading is like you were a very enthusiastic person once but now you have lost the zing for life . You have a great influx of ideas why don't you use them dear.

Path ahead is represented by the empress , clearly you are to start working on these ideas start the creative project take the leap. Focus on letting your creativity flow , your intuition knows , your soul knows.

The Obstacles is represented by eight of coins is that you need to learn dedication and working on something even if it takes time be it studying , art or relationships you are called to enjoy the journey and not just the victory.

Represented by ace of wands in this case I think you should avoid working on something new until you finish the old , you need to give one thing commitment and mastery then you will reach your destination

Represented by the king of cups. Mature and passionate about what they do . This infact represents a chance that you might become the best at what you wanna do . You might become a professor a teacher or a guide to people if you choose to follow this path .

Thank you for reading, if you liked this and would like personal insights or a longer read to book click here .

Pile 3 :

You are represented by six of coins a very beautiful earthy loving energy of gratitude and kindness , you give without thinking anything part of why you are blessed with more .

Ten of swords is what is missing in my deck it's literally a person cutting off a hand honey someone is using you , the awareness and discernment on who deserves your time money and energy is the thing that is missing .

You have learnt that people will be who they are despite giving your all so why don't you apply that in new relationships keep the knowledge but also use it . Alternatively this could be about relationship and someone leaving you in the past who was toxic.

The path ahead is represented by the fool , you're in the start of a new journey you have endless possibilities you can now leap into new and have faith that universe will do the best for you.

Your Obstacles are represented by death , you're ruminating on a past relationship too much which is making you work extra even for the bare minimum you have to work to stay in your queen energy don't do too much it's not worth it .

You must overcome the queen of wands I think this is a toxic person who was in your life you said you stupid shit that didn't align with you and now you have taken their words literally , recognize who this is maybe a family member a friend or a youtuber guru idk they have flowery energy but they're unhealed

Your destination is represented by the two of cups yay a union this can be the union of your logic and intuition. Masculine and feminine energie or a new relationship:) all in all an energy of balance and love .

Thank you for reading, if you liked this and would like personal insights or a longer read to book click here .

[celestialtarot11]

astrology observations

Hi friends! Today we’re discussing power dynamics in relationships, so there is light mention of drug use, abuse, gaslighting and emotional abuse. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable! I kept it light as best as I could. Do leave feedback & comments to help! Id love to hear your thoughts <3

Moon in scorpio- Growing up, emotions were regarded as superficial or was never even acknowledged. Mental health did not exist in the natives family, or it was shunned upon. Very likely an authority figure tried to impose their rules and values onto the native, going as far to have the native, “become like me.” As a way to save their legacy, even though it meant suffocating the native’s individuality. Lots of power dynamics and imbalances, the authority figure projected insecurities and problems onto the native at a young age—expecting the native to be a therapist of some kind. Didn’t allow the native to have a childhood of safety, stability and comfort.

3rd house stellium/virgo asc—If you have both of these, one, or Mercury as your ruler your sibling/s are very important in your healing journey. Depending on the planets in your third house or its ruler, you will find what your siblings can hell you heal/work on in this lifetime. If you have Jupiter in the 3rd, it’s possible you could have older sibling/s who always protected you in bad times. Always stood up for you. Always spoke up for you. Always got you when you had a bad day. The love shared between you two is deep. If Jupiter is in scorpio, both of you dealt with a traumatic upbringing only you two understand so deeply. You both saw each other at your deepest.

Jupiter in scorpio 3h makes for a very strong sibling bond. If it is unafflicted, if aspecting venus, or conj. The bond it intensified even more. The sibling would always look out for the native and even get themselves in trouble for it.

If Jupiter is afflicted with Saturn or Pluto, the sibling relationship dynamic will change. Possibly the sibling could move away and go silent, or deal with severe mental health issues. There ends up being a separation between the siblings, a divide in their morals, values and beliefs.

Taurus rising with moon in the 1st house—Its so interesting to see how this quickly can change depending on where the house ruler is. One can look at this and think this makes for an eloquent, observant and emotional yet passive person. But if the house ruler lies in the 8th house which would be Venus, this changes the meaning entirely. The native is possessed with wisdom and hurt of their traumatic childhood. They often experience tumultuous shifts in their identity, because of their lack of safety in their childhood, they never formed who they were. It is hidden by layers of trauma. But with moon in the first house this native carries their wounds deeply and openly. In some way, their childhood is exposed to family or friends around them. It reveals the pain they went through deeply. It can give them a heavier, intense energy. Something like a void of pain and hurt. They may also have eyes that penetrate deep to the soul because of their power. That being said, these natives have the empowerment to heal themselves on a deep level. They do a lot of inner work and may join therapy for a while to really understand themselves in a safe environment.

Sun in the 9th house, aspecting pluto—The native can become controversial due to a “taboo,” topic in their community. Very likely the native is misunderstood for years regarding what they say, what their message is. Somehow people project their opinions, assumptions without thinking of it affects the native. The native may experience backlash, ignorance from the community, until years later a revelation or truth comes out. People come to find out exactly what the native had been preaching was not only right, but astounding for so long. Sun aspecting moon also gives the native a denser, heavier energy. People may think the native was being rude or brash with their words, but in reality the native is passionate, deliberate, and intelligent.

Sun in the 9h, asp pluto— can also make an individual popular for taboo reasons. Or “heavier,” means. Like speaking up on child trafficking, political issues, ethical issues, getting into forensic criminology, becoming a lawyer, becoming a motivational speaker to help abused victims. As a lawyer the native may also fight a case that either hurts or uplifts their career. That case is something everyone will remember then by.

Chiron in the 12th in Pisces—The native experiences total loss of safety, love and stability. Stripped bare of their identity and personality, it’s likely the native experience gaslighting or emotional abuse of some kind around family or friends. The native had dreams and goals that struggled to reach light because as the native was a child, they were too busy shouldering responsibilities. Too busy caring for individuals who kept hurting them, thinking it was love. Confusing love and abuse all the same. I love you my Chiron 12h 🤍

Saturn in the 12h- Oppressive, absent father figure. If there was a father figure, the father either one: slacked on being a father or two, was obsessive in training the child. Strict rules, strict values, a conservative way of living. The native felt misguided and cornered under the father figure, having high expectations dishes out constantly and never being able to live up to any of them, because they are simply human. Which the father figure fails to comprehend—the nature of the child. Saturn in the 12h denotes the father figure experiencing separation from the child multiple times either due to: jail, alcohol, drug possession, divorce, etc.

Jupiter aspecting mars in pisces—Jupiter aspecting mars can make a native dream of taking action for a long time. Towards their future, love life, career, etc. then one day it hits them that they are spending too much time waiting for it to unfold passively. So they make a change. An impulsive much needed change. They undergo a drastic change physically and mentally. People may talk for a long time about the natives’ choices and decisions, leaving behind a legacy.

Mars in the 11th house—Can make parents/friends/family/people ignorant to the natives abuse. People may often gaslight the native as if the native is simply confused about their experiences, leading to disempowerment of the native. People may try and romanticize what the native experienced as well—glossing over extremely important details. The native gets shoved around in childhood, one to the next, never experiencing true stability. Their stability might just be the time they spend alone.

Venus in the 8h—Experiencing loss through relationships. This could exist in so many forms, betrayal, death, separation, etc. The native may relate to it being, not just one relationship, but it’s most of their relationship in this lifetime that bring up patterns in childhood. The native just wants to feel safe and not crash and burn at every connection. May experience separation with a loved one, someone very close to them. The native asks themselves why this pattern of loss keeps happening in their lives. Where does it come from? Often, a parental figure more-so the mother figure. By understanding their relationship to their mother natives can understand how they learned to cope with unhealthy treatment from others and how its impacting their ability to experience meaningful relationships.

NN in the 12h in Aries—Natives with NN in the 12h often experience isolation whether in prison, at home in an abusive family—or being on their own financially. Isolation in some way or form. NN in aries in the 12h, if you pay attention to the rest of the chart it will describe what kind of trauma the native experienced. Someone with this placement possibly experienced isolation & was forced to grow up to be a better mentor. Better son. Better daughter. Better older siblings. But lacked the guidance on how to. They were left to fend for themselves and figure it out. If the native has a stellium in the 3rd house, its possible they were left to be the better older sibling and weren’t taught how to be better for themselves.

Mercury in Capricorn—Surprisingly a native can struggle with speaking or writing with this placement. Whether it be from having a speech impediment, mutism, etc. or they could have been bullied into believing their voice didn’t matter so they hardly share their feelings and thoughts. When they do people expect them to still play that robotic monotonous role—which hurts them even more. Much love to my cap mercs 🤍 eventually its why capricorn mercurys can go on to be poets or be expressive in art. Because they weren’t allowed normal ways to express their feelings.

At your first saturn return, you will experience a massive life change. Any major circumstance happening at that time will be amplified, because Saturn is showing you lessons regarding growth. Healing never truly ends regardless of our age. At the end of your saturn return you may find that whatever issue you were dealing with will resolve itself much better—regarding your inner work and healing.

Thank ya’ll for reading!! <3 sincerely appreciate any feedback or comments you can give. I hope you are all having a wonderful day/night!

Extra

Paid readings🤍

[drdemonprince]

do you have any advice on navigating a friendship with a former abuser? they are pretty open about their past when asked although not incredibly initially forthcoming about it, which I think is understandable if maybe not the most,, idk,, straightforward I guess. But I do truly believe they’ve mended their ways and try really hard to do right by themselves and other people, but they’ve garnered a lot of vitriol from their former community (and with reason!!) but that community tries to, rightfully, make sure everyone knows about this person’s past, and I have a lot of guilt around being friends with them even though I do believe that they’re different now, I wouldn’t be friends with them if I didn’t believe that. Anyways, I guess im curious if you have any advice or experience with how to navigate any kind of relationship with someone who has done a lot of prior harm, while also trying to honor and respect the people who they have harmed?

I think that people in that situation are in really desperate need of community, most of the time. It is very difficult to work on yourself when pressure to excise you from every social group follows you everywhere you go, and the stories of what you've done have morphed into an entity that exists entirely outside of you, your victims, or anyone who was actually privy to the abuse that you committed.

It's very reasonable for people affected by the abuse & their allies to want nothing to do with such a person, of course. But there sometimes becomes a broader community norm of penalizing anyone who associates with the abusive person in any way whatsoever, and when you're already struggling with entitlement, boundary issues, loneliness, impulsivity, and self-hatred, as so many abusers do, it's hard not to spiral out further from being rendered that radioactive.

I think by being friends with this person you're doing something important. It is far easier for people to grow when they have social incentives to do so and emotional support. In the care of other people, we see our worth reflected. We learn more about who we are and who we *can* be through the interplay of ours' and others' various selves.

I think the best thing that you can do is to offer a space to this person in your life, if you continue wanting to, and building small spaces for them to find connection with people who are okay with that and feel comfortable doing so. Bring the person along with you into new spaces where they can help people and receive help in turn, without constantly being defined by their most horrible actions. Bring this person along with you to somewhere they've never been, with people who have no issue with them -- do a shift together at the local mutual kitchen or community garden, for instance, or a book club, or include them in a cultural practice that you participate in, and share that with them. Do jail support together, or mail books to prisoners. Take both of you outside of your everyday social context and allow them to exist in a new way, in new relations to others -- including people who, like them, have experienced social ostracism and struggle.

While you're doing that, observe them and see how they're doing. Talk with them afterward about how they feel, and anything they're finding difficult. I will trust your judgement here that the person seems fundamentally changed. Just being there and involved in activities alongside them will help you be on the lookout for any red flags, and I do think there is a degree of responsibility on your part to ensure you're not putting anyone else in danger by being around them, but you can do this in a light, nonjudgmental way, and let them grow into that trust that you're offering.

I have witnessed firsthand how healing it is for people like your friend to slowly realize that suddenly there are people that like them, now, and open up to them, when everybody shied away from them or hated them before. I do think that if someone is committed to no longer being abusive or boundary violating around others, they eventually do need to feel that they are accepted by some community, and seen as on par with anybody else. They can't be treated as lesser or more suspect for their entire lives in every social context. The communities they've already harmed shouldn't have to provide them with that acceptance and room to grow. But I think somebody should.

As always, keep an eye on your own feelings and make sure that this isn't too exhausting for you. By keeping the formerly abusive person separate from the groups they've harmed, you should be able to minimize the blowback you get for spending time with them. Not all of our friends need to be friends with one another, and not every social group in our lives has to make contact. It's okay to include your friend in a running group with a few other people you met volunteering but then keep their name off the guest list for your birthday party because associates of their victims will be there. If your friend is truly contrite over their actions, they will understand and respect that some people will never want to be around them -- and most reasonable community members should understand that who you associate with independently of them is not their business.

There may be some people who take a really hard line stance and expect everyone to ostracize the former abuser no matter what, and so you might be criticized or lose friendships with such people. But so long as you are helping to give the former abuser some social connection that is separate from anybody they've hurt, and you're not pressuring anyone to be around them or doing any apologism for them (which it sounds like you have no interest in doing), then you are not doing a thing wrong, and I think it's beautiful to give someone that space in your life. Navigating this stuff with grace, respect, and compassion is a skill that a lot more of us will eventually have to develop than we realize, I think. Life is long, and over the course of it, people change a great deal and do a great many things they regret. We need to be able to move through these things together somehow.