#MIGHT count as a ship pic too

[heeology]

i want nobody but you | p.sh

synopsis → you and sunghoon have known each other your whole lives and although you've both dealt with jokes from classmates since elementary school on how you two would end up together, that never ended up happening; you two would brush it off and then move on. you never really thought about pursuing something with him romantically, especially since you like things with a more casual approach. but once sunghoon's girlfriend becomes a part of the picture, you can't help but feel these feelings consume you. being the way you are, however, you managed to push them down and you at least thought you got over them until you realize maybe they never left at all. or even worse: they were always there.

feat. → yujin (ive) & sungchan (riize)

genre → college au, friends to somewhat enemies to lovers, romance, smut, angst (eh, ig), slowburn (ig? srry lmao)

pairing → nonidol!sunghoon x fem!reader

warnings → MDNI, smoking !! (reader and sunghoon both smoke), drinking, cursing, mention(s?) of death, mention of hookups, reader is called and referred to (sometimes self referred to) as a: slut/whore; slutshaming, !! potential sh reference (pinching/hitting self; dk if that counts, but it's not mentioned after) !!, mentions of sex (obvi)

w.c. → 22.7k

a/n → long time no see lol. lmk if u would be interested in seeing some pics i took at the enha concert i went to :)) (i won't do vids because i was screaming like a baboon lmao) p.s. bear w me bc ik this is a long one, but i feel like i owe you all since i've been gone for practically a century, but pls give it a chance, i'm on my knees begging bc this took 3 days

disclaimer !! → i don’t ship any idols i portray as dating in this story irl nor do i have the intent to portray anyone in this story in a negative light, this is just for creative purposes, babes <3; this is all just fiction, take it lightly pls and thx

!!DO NOT COPY OR REPOST!!

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Today has been a long day. You groan as you take a seat on a bench somewhere near the lecture hall you just left and you close your eyes as you lean back against it. You had originally thought your senior year of high school was torturous, but being a senior in college was far worse. Your eyebrows furrow a bit when you feel the weight of the bench shift a bit, meaning someone has taken a seat beside you. Your eyes open a bit and you turn your head to see Sunghoon next to you. A sigh escapes your lips and you turn your head away, closing your eyes again. 

Sunghoon sits there for a moment, looking at you. Lately, you two haven’t hung out as much and although he admittedly forgot to text you for the past week and half, you were still his best friend. He could argue, though, that “the phone works both ways”, so you’re not exactly innocent either. He’s seen you around campus, hanging out with some members of the basketball team, mainly the captain: Sungchan. You didn’t seem bothered by the lack of contact between the two of you, either, so it didn’t bother him or make him feel guilty that you haven’t hung out in just a few days. No…not at all.

“Nice to see you, too.” he mumbles. You stay quiet, honestly close to falling asleep on the bench, especially with the warm breeze that is gently blowing. He narrows his eyes a bit and leans back against the bench. He does the same as you, closing his eyes as he relaxes, but he frowns to himself. “You and Sungchan seem to be close.” he says, not really even understanding why he brought it up in the first place. 

This piques your interest. “What about him.” you say rather than ask, still keeping your eyes closed.

Sunghoon shrugs, still not really sure why he cares who you hang out with or how often or who they are or…anything like that. Maybe it upsets him to think about the fact that you might replace him with someone cooler as your best friend; maybe he was too lame for you. How juvenile, he thought to himself. But that’s what it felt like, to him, at least. “Nothing. I’ve just seen you guys hanging out a lot, that’s all.” Sunghoon replies.

“How would you know that; we haven’t really hung out or talked lately.” you reply, not meaning to sound snarky, but it most likely came across that way.

Sunghoon scoffs softly. “I have eyes; I can still see who you talk to.”

You open your eyes a bit and turn your head to look at him. “Stalker.” you tease. 

Sunghoon opens his eyes, almost as if he can feel you looking at him and he rolls them, not amused. “Am not…I’m just trying to start a conversation or whatever.”

“About the people I talk to?”

Sunghoon shrugs. “About anything…” It stays quiet for a moment. “It’s just been a while since we’ve talked.”

“And whose fault is that?” You ask, rhetorically.

Sunghoon frowns. “Well, I’ve just been busy-”

You scoff, “Yeah. I know.” You reply dryly.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just that that’s what you always say whenever we don’t talk to each other for a while. Like, I get it, you’re dating Yujin, big whoop.”

You’ve considered the possibility that he has just been busy with schoolwork, but no matter how many times you would give him the benefit of the doubt, it always ended up being because he was hanging out with Yujin. You weren’t really mad, per say, just annoyed. Severely annoyed. But what could you do? Ever since they started dating freshman year, you’ve felt like you were on the backburner. Which, again, you can’t really be upset about that. Afterall, she’s his girlfriend, whether you liked it or not. There is nothing wrong with her, you two got along fine, even if you don’t really talk or are even friends. You don’t hate her, not for any valid reasons, anyway. Still, despite how many people you know, Sunghoon is your only real friend and always has been. But it’s times like these when it feels like he means more to you than you mean to him.

“She’s my girlfriend.” He says, matter-of-factly.

You roll your eyes at his statement. “I know that,” you retort with annoyance, “you only ever bring it up every chance you get.”

“You seriously can’t be annoyed that I spend time with my own girlfriend.” He responds with the same tone.

Sometimes, Sunghoon gets caught up in things. Like being with Yujin, for example. He’ll be with her and then it just slips his mind to respond to a text of yours or to ask if you want to do something, he can’t help it. He knows that he’s your best friend and he’s certain that you’re his, too. Sure, Yujin means a lot to him, but you mean more, whether he would admit that or not. He just wants to make everything balanced, for everything to work out. But a part of him feels like something has been off since he started dating Yujin. Sure, he’s had other girlfriends, but never one for longer than a few months. This relationship is important to him. What if Yujin is the one? He can’t screw it up and he’s afraid to, so he makes sure to spend as much time with her as he can. He thought you would understand, but apparently not.

You’ve met Sunghoon’s other girlfriends, none of which bothered you as much as Yujin. Maybe because this one seems more serious. Maybe because she seems more important to him. The thought makes your stomach curdle. This whole situation makes your stomach curdle. You shouldn’t care so much, but you do. You hate that. “Whatever.” you reply, honestly not having thought of anything better to respond with. What were you supposed to say to that? Of course you understood, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

“Besides, like I said, you and Sungchan have been hanging out a lot recently. Don’t act like you’ve never blown me off to hang out with him.” Sunghoon says.

“Barely.”

“Not barely. A lot. ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to his basketball game to watch’, ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to a party,’ ‘Oh, Sungchan wants to hook up’, ‘Oh, Sungchan this and Sungchan that’.” Sunghoon mocks, annoyed.

You frown. “Why do you care? You’ve got a girlfriend, so just hang out with her instead.”

Sunghoon frowns as well. “That’s not the point. The point is that you ditch me just the same to hang out with a guy who you’re not even dating. You don’t talk to me sometimes when you’re with him or another guy, so why are you so upset that I do the same with Yujin, who I’m actually dating?”

“Stop rubbing in the fact that you’re dating someone. Good for you, who gives a shit? So what if I do the same? It’s only because you do it first!” you argue back. You grab your backpack and stand up as you put it on. You start walking away from him and he watches you as you leave.

“Great talk!” he calls out to you in a sarcastic manner.

He didn’t mean to make you upset or try to “rub his relationship” in your face, he would never try to intentionally make you upset. So, why did he care? He doesn’t, it’s as simple as that. Maybe you doing the same thing to him with Sungchan bothered him a little. Maybe you wanting to spend your time instead with someone else you’re not even dating bothered him a little. But it’s not like he actually cared or anything. He knows he can’t tell you what to do or who to see, so why does he care? He knows he blew you off, so why didn’t he just apologize? Why did he bring up Sungchan in the first place? Sunghoon sits on the bench for a moment, rethinking things. Why was he acting like you were ignoring him when it was kind of the other way around? He sighs and closes his eyes again. He’ll figure it out later.

-

You let out a long yawn as the dim glow from your computer screen shines on your face. It’s three in the morning, and sure, you have a class tomorrow, but you can’t sleep and figure you can just skip your lecture anyway. Even if your brightness was all the way down, it still hurt your eyes every so often, so you would close them to make them feel better while you listened to the show you were watching. You hear your phone ding and your eyes open, your hand reaching for your phone to see the text.

“are you awake?” Sunghoon texts.

He knows you are. You almost always are, which is why he knew you would see the message. Although, he did anticipate the idea of you ignoring him. You were good at things like that, things that required a stubborn attitude. He didn’t mind your stubbornness, though. He didn’t mind anything when it came to you. He waited a bit, sitting in the darkness with just the light of his phone screen, his thumb gently tapping it so it doesn’t automatically turn off as he waits for you to text back. 

“yeah.” you text back.

It took you a few minutes and in all honesty, you almost didn’t respond. But you missed him, which even if he asks directly, you would deny. You wonder if he missed you too, but you shake that thought away.

“still pissy?”

This makes you laugh a little. Yes, you were, but you still found it a little funny.

“shut up.” you text back.

“wanna hang out?”

You sigh. Now he wants to? It takes you a while to reply with anything as you just stare at his message.

“can u bring the usual?” you reply.

He smiles at your text. “duh” he texts back.

You smile a bit, looking forward to actually hanging out with him. The whole argument was dumb anyway and you just wanted your best friend back. And after a while of waiting, you hear a knock on your dorm room door. You get up from your bed and unlock it, opening it as you step outside. He smiles softly when he sees you and you smile a bit back. You both quietly leave your dorm building before going outside and sitting on the curb. He sets the plastic bag he was carrying between you two and opens a bottle of beer before handing it to you. You take it and he opens his own, both of you taking a sip as a cool breeze blows softly. 

“Sorry about earlier,” he says quietly, “and for not talking to you for a week. I just got caught up with Yujin, you know?”

You take another drink, not really interested in discussing this anymore. “It’s fine.”

“I also wasn’t trying to rub her and I into your face and make you feel bad or anything, it’s just…” he trails off. It’s silent for a moment as you both drink. “This week has been shitty.” he mumbles.

“Amen to that.” you reply. He chuckles softly and you both clink your bottles before smiling and taking another drink.

“How’s your love life going, anyway?” he asks, genuinely curious.

Sure, there were other things he wanted to talk about, could talk about, but this is what slipped out of his mouth first. He was actually curious, he truly wants to know. He just wants to see you happy. 

You shrug, “The same; just hook ups.”

He looks at you for a moment. That’s it? You’ve been hooking up with people since the beginning of high school. Sure, you’ve dated some guys before, but they were all assholes; Sunghoon never liked them. He couldn’t stand them, to put it plainly. You deserve better, and he knows that. But he also knows you’re not into relationships. You like things to be simple and direct. But when it comes to how you feel, he knew you weren’t very expressive with that. Only when it comes to getting what you want. He kind of admires that about you.

“So…no one in particular? You just kind of…go after who you think is the hottest?”

You grin, “Something like that.” you take a sip, “So…how are things going with Yujin?”

You honestly hate that you asked. Why would you? Why would you want to hear about that? Surely, things must be going wonderfully if he’s so wrapped up in all that is her. But you’re still friends. It’s normal to ask these kinds of questions, right? Maybe he won’t really say much anyway and you’ll be a good friend for even asking. That’s what you’re hoping for, at least.

"Well... things have been kind of weird. She's been acting kinda distant recently; I don't know how else to explain it. She just seems really bored all the time. Like, the sex is good but it just seems like she's not into me anymore or something." he replies.

You give him a weird look as he brings up the topic of sex with Yujin. Gross. Just...Gross.

“Describing sex with your ‘girlfriend’ as good is never a good thing.” you say as you laugh a bit, taking a sip. 

Sunghoon scoffs a bit. Why did it seem like you were happy to hear that? It irritated him a bit, but he brushed it off. “Well, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s more like…it’s become something that’s routine.”

“Yeah, that’s probably not a good sign.”

Sunghoon sighs. "I know... it's just so weird though. I mean, we've been together for so long, and she's never been the type to get bored like this. It just sucks. I'm worried if something happened between us that's making her not want to be with me anymore."

You look at him for a moment as he drinks. You hate seeing him upset and you know that Yujin means a lot to him, especially since this is his first big relationship. You frown a bit as you drink. “Have you asked her?” you take another sip, “Aren’t people in relationships supposed to communicate and shit?”

"Yeah, I asked her and she said everything was fine, but like... I don't know. I just have a feeling that she's not telling me something, and I've tried asking her multiple times, but every time, she always says everything's fine." he takes another drink. “That’s pretty much what I’ve been spending last week doing, just…trying to fix what may not even be broken.” he mumbles.

You feel bad now for getting upset at him for blowing you off. It makes sense and you just got defensive again, not really knowing what he was doing. You sit there for a moment, not really sure what to say. Sunghoon didn’t mind the silence, though. He was trying to focus on Yujin and figure out why things feel this way when maybe, they aren’t even that way at all. Maybe it’s him. He isn’t sure, but he is sure that he already feels a million times better being with you, even if it is just sitting next to each other on a curb in silence.

“Do you cum?” you ask.

Sunghoon chokes on his beer a little, hitting his chest a bit as he coughs. He looks at you, not expecting your question at all, and as for you, well, you weren’t really expecting to ask it. It kind of just…came out. Your initial thought process was to ask more about his feelings on things in the relationship, seeming more like a routine, but it kind of led to you wondering if he even cums. In your defense, you thought that if he doesn’t, then maybe the relationship is going downhill. You look at him, as if what you asked was totally normal, taking another sip of your beer. He looks back at you, seeming to have processed what you asked.

“...yeah, pretty much every time.”

“Does she?”

Again, not something you really want to know, but you do want to help him.

“...sometimes, but most of the time she doesn’t.”

You suck air through your teeth, “Uh-oh.”

“It’s not a big deal, you know, so what if sometimes we don’t? It’s not about that, it’s just about…connecting or whatever.” he mumbles as he takes a sip.

“So, then what? Do you guys just like…do it yourself?”

“Yeah, so?”

You laugh. You can’t help it, it’s just too funny. Not his obvious pain with his relationship kind of going south, but the fact that he finds this to be normal. You at least found that funny.

“What’s so funny?” he asks, pissed off, but also slightly embarrassed.

“Dude, I'm not a relationship expert, but like...shouldn't people who have sex, I don't know, finish every time? I mean, I have never really had that happen often with any of the guys I hook up with, but hey, what do I know.” 

"Well... I guess, but it's not a big deal to me. As long as she enjoys it, that's what's important. And, it's not like it happens all the time. Sometimes she does finish, but it's just... well, not as often as I would hope..." he takes another sip.

You roll your eyes to yourself. Kind of out of instinct. If you’re going to be frank, you don’t give a damn about her.

You shrug, “I don’t know,” you take another sip, “you say you don’t cum sometimes, how come?”

“I don’t know…it just happens?”

You shake your head, “Nah, there’s a reason.”

“But the reason is dumb and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” he takes another sip.

“Do you think she’s hot?”

What a stupid question. You wish you didn’t ask it. Why would you want to hear him talk about yet again how hot he thinks she is. It makes your blood boil and you would rather bash yourself over the head with your beer bottle than hear him talk about how perfect she is. But, there is a small, small part of you hoping for a certain answer. Only a small part.

“Of course I do.” he replies, simply.

“So, then, what’s the problem?”

“Sometimes I have a hard time finishing, happy? Jesus…” he mumbles as he drinks some more.

You roll your eyes. You’ve known each other your whole lives, you know when he’s lying.

“Mmm,” you take another sip, “no, you see, sometimes when I hook up with guys, I suddenly don't feel attracted to them, so then sometimes I don't finish. So do you just like sometimes not like her or something?”

He shakes his head, "No, I'm always attracted to her. But... sometimes I have a hard time finishing, and I don't know why that is."

“What do you think about?” you ask, kind of quietly.

A part of you didn’t want to ask that, besides, this conversation was becoming weird. But that small, small part of you was so desperately hoping for a certain answer. Fucked up? Yeah, most definitely, but that didn’t seem to stop you.

“About what?” he asks, actually clueless.

“When you’re having sex, what do you think about?” you ask again, taking a sip of your beer.

“...about her, that’s what you’re supposed to do, so,” he trails off, “Sometimes I…think about other things...” he answers, blushing a bit.

“Like what?”

“Just…random stuff. Why do you want to know anyway?” he asks, getting slightly defensive.

“Maybe that's what's distracting you. I don't know, spice things up with her or something. Or have an actual conversation with her about how you feel or whatever.” you mutter as you finish your beer.

He takes another sip of his beer. “Why are you acting like some sort of relationship counselor? You’ve never even really been in a relationship yourself.”

Maybe he wanted to piss you off with what he said, but only so you could back off. “Spice things up”? Yujin and him are fine, he’s deciding that right here, right now. He doesn’t want your help with this or to even discuss it anymore with you. It feels weird. Besides, he doesn’t want you to think that he’s…not good at sex. Not for any other reasons, just that…he doesn’t want you to think that about him.

You set your bottle down and look at him. “Because you’re my friend? I don’t know. Why do you care?” You hold your hand out, wanting him to hand the cigarettes he brought while your other hand digs into your sweatpants pocket for your lighter.

He reaches into the bag and hands them to you, knowing full well you could have grabbed them yourself, yet he still obliged. “So, in all of your hooking up, have you ever had feelings for anyone you hooked up with? And not those bullshit feelings for your douchebag exes, like actual feelings. Or have they all just been hookups?” he asks, hoping to change the subject.

You open the pack, “Hookups.”

“Every single one?”

“Mhm.” you answer, taking one out and putting it into your mouth, lighting it as you take a drag.

“So you’ve never fallen in love with anyone you’ve hooked up with?”

You laugh, “Fallen in love? How stupid.” you say as you take another drag.

“Okay, love might be a strong word, but like, have you never developed feelings for any of the people you’ve hooked up with?” he asks, finishing his beer.

“Nah.”

"Right, right. So, you're just all about hookups then, and that's cool, no shame or anything; I get it. But you've never felt even just a little bit of loneliness from it?" he asks as he sets his bottle down. You ignore his question, taking another drag. He knows by your reaction that he’s said something that bothers you. Whenever anything is mentioned that may reveal how you truly feel, you just block it off and move on. He sighs, not too sure why he bothered asking since you always ignore these types of topics. Sometimes, he wished you wouldn’t. He wished you would be more open with him. It feels like he can talk to you about anything and everything, even if sometimes he doesn’t want to, but he does anyway because you…well, you’re you. "I mean, it's gotta get kinda boring... always hooking up, never really connecting with anyone. Unless you don't care about that kind of thing."

“Love is stupid.” you reply flatly.

What a groundbreaking opinion. Truly, nobody has ever felt or thought the same thing. Great stuff. Sunghoon sighs at your answer, not really getting why you won’t just tell him. He wants you to. He can’t really explain why. It doesn’t have to do with wanting to get some satisfaction out of helping you or changing you, but rather, sometimes he feels like he knows nothing about you. You’re important to him, more than you could possibly understand, but still, sometimes, you seem so distant; like a stranger. He just wants to know that you trust him.

“So, just because love hasn’t exactly worked out in your life, you think love is stupid? I don’t really think that’s fair…just because your ex boyfriends were assholes doesn’t mean that true love doesn’t exist.”

For some reason, him talking about true love pisses you off. It pisses you off greatly. You can feel your skin crawl and anger boiling up inside you, so you take a drag from your cigarette, blowing out the smoke, wishing it was something else you were getting rid of.

“It’s not about them.” you take another drag, “Do you love Yujin?”

You think you know the answer already. No, you know the answer indefinitely. There is only one answer. Why would he have spent the past three–almost four years–dating her if he didn’t? You think about all the times he talked about her when they first started dating. You try not to, but your mind recalls all the details, how he said them, what he said, how he looked while he was talking. It made you sick.

His heart sinks a little when you ask the question. He stares at you for a moment, not responding to your question right away. He takes a long deep breath before he answers, “Yes.” You sit silent. You heard his answer, but you don’t want to acknowledge it. You take another drag from your cigarette, a longer one this time, blowing out the smoke slowly as you tap some of the tobacco from the butt of it off. “Do you…not believe me?” he asks, watching you. He can tell something is on your mind, you’re just having trouble saying it. He’s not asking to be snarky or anything, he asks in more of a gentle tone, just wanting you to open up or at least just say something remotely close to how you feel.

“No, I do.” you answer quietly. For some reason, it hurts to say that. It’s true, though; you do believe him…unfortunately.

Silence consumes the both of you, just sitting on the curb as time passes. Crickets chirp softly in the distance and the subtle burn of the tobacco from your cigarette fills it a bit, but not enough. He stares at you, both annoyed and concerned. 

“Then what is it? Are you trying to say there’s something wrong with my relationship?” he asks, suddenly defensive. Even he, himself, doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so defensive about it, especially since he brought up the issue earlier, but he doesn’t like thinking that you think there is something wrong.

“Jesus, it’s not like that.” you respond, knowing full and well it is like that.

“Then spit it out; what are you trying to say?”

“Shut up.”

You take another drag and he rolls his eyes, annoyed. “You know, you’re so annoying sometimes.”

“So are you.”

“Yeah, I know, but you’re worse.”

You take another drag, genuinely wanting him to shut up, or for things to be normal. Or better yet, for things not to be complicated. “Go cry about it to your girlfriend.”

“Screw you.”

“Ditto.”

“Whatever.” he says, pissed off.

“Yeah, whatever.” you mumble as you take another drag.

He continues to look at you, pissed off at how you don’t seem to care about anything. He used to like that a lot about you, how you never cared about what people thought and are able to brush anything off. Maybe “used to” is a bit strong, he still likes that about you, but for right now, it’s incredibly infuriating. 

“You know, I’ve noticed that you always avoid giving direct answers to questions. Maybe that’s why you’re so scared of commitment; Not willing to really speak your mind out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or your own.” he says, hoping this would piss you off enough to just say how you feel.

You roll your eyes, “Shut up.” you say as you continue smoking your cigarette.

“No, I won't shut up. In fact, I'm gonna keep talking because this is one of the rare occasions where we’re actually having a serious conversation and not just talking about petty stuff.”

You roll your eyes again. “I don’t want to.” you reply, simply.

“Too bad. because I am really curious about it. So, I’m just gonna keep asking questions. Like, have you ever experienced real heartbreak before? Because you seem like the type that just throws people away and moves on with no remorse.” You become quiet. Sure, you weren’t answering before, well, barely, anyway. But this time, you feel like you’re shrinking. That type of quiet. The type of quiet you become when you feel like you got caught and you don’t want to admit to what you did. You just smoke your cigarette. “And you don’t just avoid answering questions about your romantic life, either. You do the same thing when it comes to family, friends, and anyone else. You just push people away and never actually let anyone get to know the real you.” 

“You know the real me.” you say, looking at him. In all honesty, you were insulted. He was seriously telling you that he “doesn’t know the real you” after you guys have been friends since you were two years old? What does that say about your friendship?

“No, I really don’t. All I know about you is the surface layer stuff that you’re willing to share, but I don't actually know you. No one does. Because you never let anyone get close enough.” he says as he looks you directly in the eyes, meaning every word he says. Well, maybe not every word, but it is how he feels. He doesn’t want you to get frustrated, but if that’s what it takes for you to finally say how you feel, then so be it. You do feel yourself getting frustrated and you look away, taking another drag. “And don’t deny it, ‘cause you know it’s true. You just push people away and never let yourself be vulnerable, ‘cause if you did, then they could use that vulnerability against you. And god forbid anybody ever find out about your deepest insecurities-” 

“Shut the fuck up.” you say, feeling anger seethe out of you. He sits there, somewhat stunned by your response. Not exactly that you became angry, but more so that he actually got a reaction out of you. He watches you as you put your cigarette out and stand up. “I’m going back to my room.” you mutter. 

He stands up. “Seriously?” he says as he sees you start to walk away. He scoffs. “You’re just going to leave? Like that? Whatever.” he mumbles as he grabs the pack of cigarettes you put back into the bag (the pack he specifically bought for you and always buys whenever you guys hang out like this). He opens it and grabs one, lighting it as he sees you turn around. You walk back over to him and snatch the pack of cigarettes from his hand. “The hell?” he asks, annoyed, as he tries to grab it back.

You hold it out of his reach. “You don’t even like red Marlboros.” you say, almost tempted to take the one out of his mouth, too just to spite him.

“Give it back.” he says sternly as he takes a small drag from the one in his mouth, holding it between his fingers as he glares at you.

“No.”

“It’s my pack of cigarettes.”

“That you bought for me.”

“And I want it back.”

“Well, tough shit, I’m not giving it back.”

“Give it.” he says as he holds out his hand. You ignore him and turn around, starting to walk away. He takes another drag, grimacing because you’re right, he doesn’t like this brand, but he’s only doing this to spite you. He gets even more pissed off just seeing you walk away. “Why are you always such a pain in the ass?”

“Could ask you the same thing.” you yell back.

He quickly puts out the cigarette and puts the bottles into the bag before catching up to you. “I'm not the one who’s always being super mean and acting all mysterious about everything. Like, what’s with all the attitude and snarky comments? You’ve been extra shitty lately.”

“Fuck you.”

He scoffs, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You know, you’re being shitty, you just don’t wanna admit it.”

You stop walking and turn to look at him, throwing the pack at him. “Then go away.”

He grits his teeth and grabs the pack from the ground. He looks at you, “Whatever. I'm leaving. But just know, one of these days, you’re going to actually push someone away for good.”

“Hopefully it’s you.” you say as you cross your arms.

“Yeah, me too. Because I am so fed up with your bullshit.”

“Great. Go away.”

He rolls his eyes and walks past you, his arm bumping into yours purposefully as he heads back to his dorm.

-

As Sunghoon makes his way to his lecture, he sees Yujin in the distance talking to some of her friends. He thinks about your conversation last night. He had hopes of confiding in you a bit more about how he felt, but of course that’s not the way things panned out. He had no time to focus on that, even if he was feeling even worse now that he possibly lost his best friend for good. Shit…did he really lose you for good? He feels his blood run cold, but he’s trying to forget it and focus on her. She’s his girlfriend, he has to remember that. He walks up to her, smiling a bit. She looks at him.

“Oh…hey.” she says softly.

“Hey…can we talk for a minute?” She nods her head and stands still. Sunghoon glances at her friends and then looks back at her. “...in private?” Yujin glances at her friends before following Sunghoon over into the library, taking a seat at a table near one of the back bookshelves, a little bit of space between the two of them. “Is there a reason you’ve been acting like this lately? Do you not…want to be with me anymore?” Sunghoon asks, just getting straight to the point.

Yujin is quiet for a moment. “Everything is fine.” she says.

He crosses his arms, feeling himself getting frustrated. Why can’t people just be direct like you? Yeah, you’re not really direct with your feelings, but you are when it comes to anything else. “Are you sure? Because you've been really distant. We haven't been talking as often, you barely want to spend time with me... and it feels like you're avoiding being intimate with me, too. I had to almost beg you to spend time with me last week. Is there really nothing? Are you sure everything is fine?” Yujin listens and stays quiet. Sunghoon sighs. "You know, couples are supposed to communicate and shit, right? If something is bothering you, just come out and say it." Sure, he took a page from your book with what you said last night and perhaps some of what you said rang true after all, but he’s not really looking to give you a “you were right” moment at this time.

“You being friends with her bothers me.” Yujin says as she crosses her arms.

Sunghoon freezes for a moment, taken aback by her response. “...are you being serious?” he asks, not totally sure if she’s just messing with him.

“You hang out with her more than me to the point that I had to ask you to stop texting her whenever we would hang out and you always say you’re “just best friends”, but I don’t believe you. Do you have feelings for her?”

“Do YOU think I have feelings for her?” Sunghoon asks, becoming defensive while also avoiding answering her question directly. 

“Yes.” she answers, simply.

“What, do you think I’ll dump you for her or something?”

"She's a slut. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. I don't care if you guys are close, I'm worried she is going to make a move on you and then you break up with me just for her to use you once and then ruin you; She's bad news." Yujin says.

He feels his jaw drop a bit at what she says. Did she seriously just say that? And so boldly? He feels himself become upset about the way she talks about you. He wants to defend you, he always has, but he frowns. What if this leads to Yujin breaking up with him? You did say last night that you two were done with each other, so why does it matter? He doesn’t agree with Yujin, but he wants to save this relationship…

“You really think I'm that naive? That I'd fall for a girl like her? Just because we’re close friends doesn’t mean I automatically get feelings for her and forget about you. You know I'm smart enough to not get mixed up with someone like her.” he says, feeling like his heart is breaking as he says it. He wants Yujin to feel reassured, but after saying this…it doesn’t feel worth it.

“So you agree.” Yujin says.

Sunghoon sits there, feeling like he’s about to throw up. Why is this so hard? Why can’t he just say ‘yes’ and move on? Why can’t he be happy with Yujin? He just nods his head. “I wouldn’t fall for someone like her.” he says extremely quietly, almost as if he never wanted those words to leave his mouth. But they did and it was too late.

Yujin smiles, satisfied by his answer. She leans in and kisses his lips quickly, “I believe you.” she says softly.

Sunghoon hesitates, not glad that she believes him. Not glad that she said those things about you. Not glad that he said those things about you. He’s just not happy. He gives her a small smile and kisses her cheek quickly. “I’m glad.”

-

You are sitting on a bench, scrolling through your phone as you wait for your next lecture to start soon. Sunghoon sees you as he exits his lecture hall and his gaze lingers on you for a moment. He sighs to himself a bit, feeling like he was being pulled in two different directions. The more he thinks about it, he feels as though Yujin was giving him an ultimatum to choose you or her. If she said it outright, there isn’t a cell in his body that would hesitate to choose you. He thinks back to his conversation with Yujin in the library and he feels sick; he knows he did something wrong. 

He walks over to you and takes a seat next to you, just wanting to make up and move on. To his surprise, however, you get up immediately and take your bag before walking away. He sits there, confused, but figures you’re still upset about the argument last night. He gets up and he follows you before catching up and gently grabbing your arm, but you end up taking it away and start walking again. He bites the inside of his cheek before stepping in front of you, “Why are you walking away from me?”

“Get away from me.”

“No.” he said as quickly as the words left your mouth.

You look at him, feeling your eyes sting, hot tears wanting to form, but you blink them away. “You should probably go find your girlfriend, you wouldn’t want to be seen hanging out with a slut like me, right?” you ask rhetorically.

“Hey-,” he cuts you off, frowning instantly when you call yourself that. “Stop it…you know I don’t see you that way.”

“That’s a fucking lie; I heard you talking to Yujin. Or are you surprised about that too since you were in the library and someone like me couldn’t possibly be in a place like that.” you say as you cross your arms, swallowing as if that will help mask your clear frustration.

“...what?” he asks quietly, freezing as he realizes what you’re saying.

“I heard you. I heard you agree with her when she called me a slut. I heard you say you "would never be stupid to fall for someone like me". Well, fuck you. Go be with your perfect girlfriend, asshole.” you say before you push past him, swallowing again, but this time to stop yourself from crying.

“Wait-” he tries to grab your arm again, but you pull it away and keep walking. He feels his heart sink as he watches you walk away. The world felt as if it just collapsed. He feels like he’s sinking and as he watches you become further from him, he feels like he’s lost everything. He’s holding his breath, not necessarily realizing he is, almost as if he exhales, he’s not sure he has the strength to take another breath knowing he’s hurt you; he doesn’t deserve to.

-

Everything moves in slow motion, all voices muffled, as Sunghoon feels himself being dragged inside of a party by Yujin. He can hear and see her laughing and talking with her friends as they walk inside the loud and crowded atmosphere, but he feels as if he’s hollow. He stands there like a zombie as Yujin talks and greets some of her friends. He’s not sure how it happened, especially since it was almost midnight and he honestly just wanted to go to sleep, but he somehow ended up here. His eyes felt heavy as they looked around the room, but he subconsciously stood up straighter when his eyes landed on you. It was like he had been resuscitated, his heart beating rapidly as he sees you and then he sees him.

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, noticing how Sungchan was standing closely to you, how his eyes scanned every inch of your body with some stupid, smug smirk on his face. Sunghoon rolled his eyes again and grimaced at the sight. He sees how you whisper something into his ear, Sungchan grinning as he places his hand on your hip. Suddenly, Sunghoon’s heart stopped again as his gaze fixates on his hand. His hand grips Yujin’s tightly as he clenches his jaw and his other hand curls into a fist, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. His breathing becomes heavy as he sees you smile, smile in a way he’s never had you smile at him before as your hand caresses Sungchan’s cheek while you clearly flirt back with him. Sunghoon was livid. He feels like an extra in his own life as he watches you fall for someone like that.

“Baby…?” Yujin asks, loosening her hand and taking it away from him since he was practically cutting off her circulation.

“I’m fine.” he mumbles, hints of anger and annoyance clear in his tone. He doesn’t look at her as he answers and she catches on.

She looks to where his gaze is and then she looks back at him, upset. “Why are you looking at her?” she asks as she crosses her arms. “You told me you don’t have feelings for her. I’m your girlfriend, not her.”

“Stop, Yujin, it’s not like that…” he mumbles, annoyed as he keeps looking at you and Sungchan. He watches as Sungchan puts his arm around your waist and he feels like the air has just been knocked out of him. His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek as he glares at the two of you, wanting nothing more than to shove him off of you.

Yujin scoffs, “I don’t even see how you could have feelings for a slut like her.” she mumbles, taking a sip of a drink her friend brought for her. Sunghoon keeps his attention on you. How Sungchan keeps you close, whispers in your ear to make you giggle and you indulge in it, how he touches you, and how he looks at you as if he’s some sick animal that wants to devour you. “Did you even hear me?” Yujin asks, pissed off.

“Yeah, I heard you.” Sunghoon mumbles as he continues watching the two of you.

Yujin glares at him and then grabs his hand, dragging him away from her friends. Sunghoon just goes along with it and as Yujin starts dragging him upstairs, Sungchan leas in and kisses you. Sunghoon’s eyes widen as he continues going upstairs with Yujin, her dragging him into an empty bedroom and closes the door behind them. Sunghoon feels like all thoughts had escaped him when he saw that and he stands there with only one thing on his mind: you.

“Let’s have sex.” Yujin says as she looks at him.

Sunghoon snaps out of it and looks at her, feeling like this is his first time seeing her tonight. He looks at her in confusion, not wanting to since he only has you on his mind, but he doesn’t want to upset her any further, so he nods his head. Yujin pulls him towards her and kisses him. He hesitates, feeling himself grimace, but he tries to ignore it and kiss her back. He doesn’t want to be up here with her, he wants to be down there with you. As they continue to kiss, Yujin begins to undress herself and Sunghoon feels himself tense up. He tries to forget about you and focus on her, thinking maybe helping her undress would help, but it doesn’t. Not even a little bit. 

Yujin moves them over to the bed as she keeps kissing him and he sits there, partially kissing her back and also sitting stiff as a board. He knows this is supposed to be hot for him, having a practically naked girl on him, but he only finds himself wishing it was you. Yujin kisses down his neck as she takes off his shirt and he feels like he’s zoning out, not moving a muscle. Yujin moves her hands along his chest and down his body and then stops kissing him as she looks at him.

“You’re not even hard.” she says as she frowns. Sunghoon just stares at her, not necessarily surprised, but he still feels bad. "What the hell do you even like about her? She's a fucking whore who opens her legs for any and every guy. She has nothing else to offer besides her fucking pussy, which probably is already stretched beyond repair." Yujin says, angry. "She's nothing! She's not even special and yet she always gets any guy she wants. Well, why does she get you too?" Yujin tears up. "I'M your girlfriend, not her! Do you even love me?" Yujin asks, frustrated.

Sunghoon knows her anger is justified and he feels awful for feeling like he wants her to be you instead. As he watches and hears her say all of these things, he feels bad for treating her like this, but he also becomes angry at listening to what she’s saying about you. He feels bad for saying it feels like he doesn’t know you, because he does, and he knows you’re nothing like who she says you are.

“Answer me!” Yujin yells.

“I do love you.” Sunghoon says quickly.

“...do you love her?”

He stays quiet. Does he love you? He doesn’t know how to answer that. He knows he cares about you more than anyone else, he knows that even when you two fight, he would never want anyone else but you to be by his side, he knows that you’re the only one who gets him, he knows he likes making you smile and laugh and sometimes when you look at him, he feels like he can just look back at you forever. But is that love? Then, what is it he feels for Yujin? Does he love you and not her? How come he never realized it before? Did he always feel this way?

"Why the hell did you even ask me out? Why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend if all this time, you've wanted her? If all this time you've been in love with her?" Yujin asks, furious.

What is he supposed to say? Has he always been in love with you? He thinks for a moment. He thinks about why he asked her out in the first place, about a week after you hooked up with some guy after you two just started college. Was that the reason? Was it because he just wanted something and he knows deep down, you don’t want the same, so he found it somewhere else? You…everything has always been about you, his whole world has always revolved around you.

Yujin gets up and gets dressed. "If you want to be with her so badly, fine. But just know, she's still a whore. She'll just use you and then toss you aside." Yujin says as she finishes getting dressed. "But by all means, go sleep with that slut. We're done." Yujin says as she leaves the room.

Sunghoon sits on the bed in silence. Just great. Now, he doesn’t have a girlfriend and worst of all, he still can’t have you. He sits there for a moment longer before getting up and putting back on his shirt. Screw this party, he shouldn’t have come anyway. He walks out of the bedroom and goes downstairs, feeling like his mind is in a different place as he walks outside. He stops and notices you sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette. He feels relieved, not seeing you in Sungchan’s arms, and for a split second, he wishes he could just walk over and take you into his, but he pushes that thought away and just decides to take a seat beside you on the curb instead. You scoot away a bit from him, silence looming over the two of you and he feels even worse. 

“You shouldn’t be sitting here, you know. Your girlfriend might get pissy.” you mumble as you exhale some smoke.

“I’m not with Yujin anymore.”

You pause for a moment, “...I saw you two go upstairs.”

“She just…got upset that I couldn’t get hard. I just had so many thoughts running through my mind…” he trails off, not wanting to ramble on about it.

“Whatever.” you say as you take another drag.

“I wish I never asked her out.” he says before taking a deep breath, feeling like he said something he didn’t even realize he was keeping a secret, not even from himself.

“Why are you telling me this? In case you forgot, I am not your friend anymore. Not after what you and her said about me this morning.” You take another drag, “It's one thing for her to call me a slut, I don't care about her, but you? You agreed with her. You made fun of me. You're supposed to be my best friend and you say I'm a slut and then that you aren't "stupid" enough to date "someone like me"?  Fuck you, honestly. I was so pissed when I heard that. I know we fought the other night, but I never thought you would say that shit about me.” You take another drag. “So stop talking to me about your problems like we're still friends. You want nothing to do with "someone like me"? Well, then, you got it.”

Sunghoon stays silent, feeling as if everything around him is crumbling. You’re sitting maybe a foot away from him, but he feels like you’re on the other side of the planet. “I’m sorry.” he says softly, feeling ashamed to have talked about you like that.

You shake your head and continue smoking. “Whatever.”

“I miss you.” he says suddenly. “And, I shouldn’t have said any of that this morning. I was trying to reassure Yujin at your expense and…that was a big fuck up by me. None of what I said was worth any pain I’ve caused you.”

“Well, I don’t miss you. I don’t even care.”

Sunghoon stays quiet for a moment. “I have to fix this. Not because I feel like it will make me feel better to know I said sorry, because that doesn’t fix anything; that doesn’t make you feel better. I want to fix this because, even if you don’t believe me, I value our friendship more than anything in the world.”

You scoff and don’t reply, blinking away your tears as you continue smoking. “I don’t need you. Think what you want about me, I don’t give a fuck.”

“Hey…” he says tentatively as he notices you blinking away tears. He feels like he got punched in the gut and hates himself for knowing he’s the one that caused you to feel this way. “I know I hurt you…a lot.” he admits. He doesn’t know if you would want to listen to anything else he has to say, but he wants nothing more than for everything to go back to normal. To have you back. To just have you look at him. Anything.

You scoff, “You? As if.” you say as you put out your cigarette. “Don’t flatter yourself. Like I care about your opinion.” you say as you stand up. “I don’t need your pity and I don’t need your friendship. I don’t need you.” you say as you walk away and back into the party.

He doesn’t hesitate to follow you, not wanting to let you go. He can’t. He can’t bear the thought of you actually not being a part of his life, not for one goddamn second. He tries to catch up to you, but he stops in his tracks when he sees you go back over to Sungchan. It feels as though time has stopped and he was cursed with having to watch you be with him for the rest of his life. You whisper something to Sungchan, prompting him to grin and put his hands on your waist. Sunghoon feels like he’s about to collapse as he watches Sungchan whisper something back to you before taking your hand and leading you upstairs. He wants to do something, take you away from him, tell you that you mean so much more and are so much more than whatever Sungchan thinks about you. How you mean everything to him and watching you walk upstairs with some other guy feels as though you are taking away every piece of Sunghoon, breaking him apart. But he doesn’t and an hour passes before you walk back downstairs with Sungchan, his arm around your waist.

Sungchan whispers something in your ear before letting you go and walking over to his friends, all of them laughing and teasing him. You just walk back out of the party, feeling sick to your stomach; as if you just made the biggest mistake of your life; shame. As you walk down the sidewalk, the night suddenly feels much colder than before. You take out your cigarettes and start smoking another one. Sunghoon follows and catches up, “Can I have one?” he asks, not knowing what else to say, but wanting to say something. You stay quiet, but eventually extend the one you were smoking to him. You stop walking as he takes it, taking a drag as he stands beside you. 

You hold out your hand, wanting it back and after he takes another inhale from it, he exchanges it back. You take another drag, staying quiet, as you extend it back to him. He takes it as you two share the cigarette and he hands it back to you, almost wanting to just hold your hand instead. You take a long drag, holding the smoke for a while before slowly exhaling. “...you were right.” you say quietly as you hold the cigarette out for him. “It is lonely.”

He takes the cigarette, feeling hopeful that this is the beginning of an honest conversation, and relieved that you’re opening up. He hands it back to you, “Are you lonely? Do you miss having a relationship?” he asks, softly, wanting to make sure he’s being cautious so he doesn’t hurt you again.

“Not the ones I used to be in, no. Those guys were…well, you know.”

“Yeah…” he mumbles. You sigh and take a seat on the curb. He follows suit, seeing if you’ll say something else, but deciding to break the silence. “So…what kind of guy do you want?” he asks, deep down hoping for a certain answer. 

You don’t answer him and instead, ignore his question. In all honesty, you don’t know. Well, you do, but you’re too scared to admit it. “You were also right about me being a slut.”

“I-I didn’t mean it-”

“You know it, everybody else knows it…and I always knew it.” You take your cigarette back and take a drag. “Hearing you say it sucked, though, but I know it’s the truth.”

“I shouldn’t have said it. I was so caught up in trying to make Yujin feel better and fix things between us when it wasn’t worth it. Not when it came at your expense.”

“I know.”

“I should’ve still stuck up for you. It didn’t matter if she was my girlfriend, you don’t deserve to be talked about like that.”

You shrug and hand him the cigarette, lighting a new one for yourself to smoke. “I don’t care anymore. Hooking up with Sungchan just now made me realize it. Seeing and hearing his friends tease him for it…” you take a long drag, “I knew that’s what I am.”

He does the same and looks at you. “Did you want to hook up with him?”

“No.”

“Then, why did you do it?” You ignore his question and keep smoking. “Hey…” he says softly. He knows you’re avoiding his question, but he wants to hear what you have to say.

“What happened with you and Yujin tonight?” you ask, wanting to change the subject.

“Just…an argument.”

“About…?”

“That’s not important.”

“You wanted to tell me all about it earlier. You said something about you not getting hard and regretting asking her out. What the hell happened? I thought you loved her or whatever.” you mumble as you inhale more smoke, a part of you hoping it chokes you.

“I do love her. But I guess…it meant something different to her. She wanted things from me I couldn’t do.”

“Like what.”

“Like…her not wanting us to be friends anymore.”

You scoff before continuing to smoke. “You should’ve chosen her.”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow as he takes a drag. “You think I shouldn't have chosen my friend who's been with me through thick and thin over someone who was basically controlling who I talked to?”

“She was just controlling that you don't talk to me. Can't blame her, she probably thought I would try to sleep with you or something. Besides, since when did us being friends for so long suddenly matter? It didn't when you agreed with her about me being a slut.”

“It matters to me.” He says, feeling his heart sink a little at your words. It seemed like you didn’t think your friendship meant anything. He takes another drag and sighs quietly before continuing. “You’re my best friend. I care about you more than anyone else.” You stay silent as you continue to smoke. “Do you really think I don’t care about you?” he asks, softly. You just keep smoking, not really sure how to answer. He sighs to himself as he does the same and his mind wanders to thinking about you and Sungchan again. He rolls his eyes to himself as he tries to push those thoughts out of his head.

“You asked me if I ever felt heartbreak when we fought that night, talking about if that’s why I have commitment issues or whatever.” you say as you take another drag. “Yeah…I have.”

“Was the heartbreak from…” he let’s the question linger in the air for a moment, “a relationship?” You shake your head. “So…what was it from then? Who broke your heart?”

You stay silent for a moment, just smoking “...i didn't realize I fell in love with him until he got a girlfriend, well, his first serious girlfriend. At first, I didn't really care, but then…” you go quiet for a moment as you keep looking ahead, not at him. “The way he talked about her, would smile a certain way when he was with her, like he's never smiled at me before...laughing at jokes they shared...seeing him kiss her, hold her hand…” you take another drag, “holding her hand..” you repeat, like you’re lost in thought. “It's something so stupid and simple, but I've never had a guy hold my hand romantically...but he held hers and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do a damn thing but suddenly wish I was his girlfriend instead. And then I realized. I loved him.” you take another drag, “I loved him and he was in love with someone else.”

He stayed quiet the whole time you talked. He took in every single word. He took in how you said every single word, how you looked as you spoke. He felt his heart break for you. The way you talked about it was nothing like he’s ever heard you talk about; so…innocent. “Did you ever try to tell him how you felt?”

You stay quiet for a moment as you swallow. “I almost did. One time. I just felt so tired from pretending and I didn't want to just hookup with anyone anymore. I wanted to be his more than anything in the world. I almost told him and then…” you take another drag from your cigarette. “He started telling me about how he finally had sex with his girlfriend. How hot she is. How he had never seen anyone so beautiful. How he couldn't believe he was so lucky to be dating her. Fuck-” you pinch your thigh to stop yourself from crying as you take another drag. “I felt so...gross. I had never had a guy say that about me, never had a guy be proud to be with me, but the way he talked about her and everything he was saying...I knew he would laugh in my face if I, just some slut, was in love with him; he would feel grossed out or whatever. No matter how close I thought we were, I knew right then and there I would never be like her. Never like the girl he wanted.” you take another drag, “So I didn't say anything.”

Sunghoon stayed quiet again, feeling awful. He hated that you thought about yourself that way. He hated that other people had made you feel that…him included. He hated this guy, especially, for making you feel this way. What a piece of shit. You deserve nothing but the best and this guy pulls this bullshit with you? He was about ready to punch him in the face. “And you’re still friends with him? After he did all of this to you?”

“He’s all I’ve ever had.”

“He’s not all you have, though. What about me?” he asks, intending to make something positive out of this all. He just wants you to know how precious you are to him because he cares about you so much. 

This, doesn’t help whatsoever, and you feel like you’re about to burst into tears. You can’t tell if he’s the idiot or if you are; maybe the latter. But when he says that, you just feel like sobbing, curling up into a ball, and dying right then and there. You pinch your thigh again, to prevent yourself from crying because you absolutely loathe it.

He notices and immediately puts his hand on yours to stop you. He hates seeing you like this and he looks at you, not wanting you to suppress this anymore.

His hand on yours, however, makes you feel even worse. Worse because it makes your stomach do flips and you can feel your heart beat faster. Worse because you know it only carries the connotation of a friend comforting a friend…nothing more. You pull your hand away and continue smoking.

He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t try to take your hand back. It hurts him to see you pull yourself away. He just wants to make you feel better, feel safe, feel loved. Feel nothing but happiness because that’s all you deserve. But you don’t. He wants to give you everything, and so, he tries again to comfort you. He reaches for your hand, gently taking it into his, it enveloping yours as he holds it as if it is the most delicate thing on earth.

“Don’t.” you whisper, taking your hand away.

You didn’t want to. God, you didn’t want to. His hand felt like silk against yours, but you felt like you didn’t deserve it. Compared to his, your hand was like felt, worth far less than his. You didn’t want him to hold your hand, not like this. You wanted it to mean something, have some sort of value. Not for comfort. Not because he’s your best friend. Not because he felt bad. But because he loved you. Because he wanted to hold your hand and be proud as he held it. Because he wanted to claim you as is. Because you wanted to be his.

He lets go of your hand and stays silent for a moment. It was as if a part of him died inside as you pulled away your hand. All the thoughts that he was having a few seconds ago were replaced by sadness. His hands tightened into fists from the frustration of being unable to comfort you or take away your sadness. He wanted so desperately to try again, but he knew that there was nothing he could do right now. Slowly, he takes another drag of his cigarette, and you do the same with yours.

“Did you cry whenever he would talk about his girlfriend like that? Did you cry anytime he complimented her?”

You don’t answer for a while. “Yeah. When he told me he loved her, I cried later. After that, I pretended like I didn't care. And for a while, it worked. I would just hook up with guys and I would still talk and hang out with him because he didn't treat me like what everyone else saw me as. He never did. And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, I guess, but then sometimes...he would start talking about her and then I just...felt worse. At some point, I just kind of felt numb about it, especially after he told me about the first time they had sex. He talked about it like it was so special...like she was so special...and I just decided then and there I couldn't love him. So, I just pretended and after a while, I thought I didn't love him anymore, but one night, he started talking about how he couldn't lose his girlfriend, how he wanted to make things with her work and I felt that same feeling again, like I was going to be sick. Then, I heard him say what he really thought about me and that was the last time I cried about him.”

“What did he say about you? Did he insult you?” he asks as he feels himself becoming angry, wondering what this jerk could’ve possibly said about you to make you feel this way. But, you don’t answer, you just remain quiet and that made him want to punch this guy even more. “Do you miss him?” he asks, quietly.

“...i miss being oblivious to the fact that I love him.”

He feels his heart drop when you say that. You still love him? He swallows, feeling like he’s choking and as if all of the oxygen has been sucked out of the atmosphere. “So…you do love him. You’re still in love with him?” Once you ignore him again, the answer is clear. “You do still love him…” he mumbles. Anger courses through his veins because you’re in love with someone so fucking awful. How could you give all of yourself to someone who is too blind to see how much you’re worth? How much you mean and value you provide to the meaning of life it’s goddamn self? He watches as you continue smoking. “So, you mean to tell me, after everything he’s done to you, you still love him?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“He doesn’t know you’re in love with him?”

“I told you, I never told him.”

This doesn’t help him feel any less bad for you. Some douche was out and about being happy and in love while you suffer on the sidelines? “Are you ever going to tell him?”

You shake your head as you look down. How could you? Especially since you’re delivering this whole pathetic monologue and he still isn’t taking any goddamn hint. 

“Is it because he’s still with his girlfriend?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” you say as you finish your cigarette.

He becomes frustrated, “Is he?”

“No.”

“So, they broke up.” You ignore his question once more. He waits a few seconds before speaking up again, “I’m taking that as a ‘yes’ then.”

“Why does it matter? Why do you care?”

“Why do I care?” he asks as if this question has the most obvious answer. He scoffs and takes another drag out of frustration. “Because I’m your best friend, dumbass.”

This only makes you frown as you pinch your thigh again to stop the tears threatening to fall. He frowns as well when he sees this and reaches his hand over again. “Stop.” he says as he grabs your hand. You look down at your hands and you take yours away again. He feels a lump form in his throat when you pull your hand away as a pit of sadness just keeps growing and growing in his stomach. “Why are you doing that? …do you honestly think I don’t care about you?” You just keep staring ahead of you, not looking at him once. He takes another drag and sighs. “Have I ever given you a reason for you to think that I don’t care? Have I hurt you like that guy did?”

His questions make you stay silent for a long time. You wish that you could just disappear. Or that you could go back in time and stop yourself from having these stupid feelings. Or…that you never met him in the first place. Maybe then things would be easier. Better.

“Just…answer me.” he says, pleading, almost. He wants you to understand that he is here for you, he always will be and nothing is going to get in the way of that anymore. He wants this to be clear, so he tries to hold your hand again to show his support, but you take it away once he does.

“Are you pretending or are you actually this clueless?” you ask, becoming frustrated, your voice having a hint of pain in it.

His stomach tightened when you rejected him once more. He doesn’t look at you, suddenly afraid to see your expression. He doesn’t know what to do, how to make you feel better. He stays silent for a moment and continues smoking. “Pretending about what?” he asks. You become increasingly frustrated and pinch your thigh again. He notices and grabs your hand again, “Stop.” he says sternly, but you pull your hand away. 

“Jesus, you’re the guy.”

He feels himself freeze. “What the hell do you mean ‘I’m the guy’?”

“Are you dense?” you raise an eyebrow. “You’re the guy I’ve been talking about this whole damn time!”

“...i’m the guy?” he asks, completely stunned. You let out a huff of frustration and stand up, walking away. He doesn’t hesitate to stand up and go after you. He grabs your arm to stop you. “Wait, you can’t just leave…”

You keep pinching your thigh, a part of you believing it will wake you up from this nightmare as you avoid his gaze. You take your arm away from his grip. “Just forget it.”

“No. You just said I’m the guy, right? The one you’re in love with?” He asks, all of his focus on you. You ignore his question and turn around, walking away. He groans and he moves in front of you, stopping you. “You love me?” But you just avoid his gaze and don’t answer his question. He sighs, “I’m not letting you leave until you tell me.”

“No.”

He frowns. “Look at me.” he whispers. “Please…” he moves closer to you. “Do you love me?”

“Why does it matter?”

“You tell me. Why doesn’t it matter?”

You punch your thigh harshly a few times as you finally look at him. Your breath hitches as tears well in your eyes, despite you trying to ignore them. “Because I’m just a slut.”

He grabs your hand and stops you. He feels panicked, not knowing what to do or say. He doesn’t want you to cry or punish yourself. “Stop it. Stop with that bullshit. You’re not a slut, don’t you dare ever call yourself that.”

“You said it yourself. You agree with everyone else. I know you don't feel the same. I know you'll never talk about me the way you talk about Yujin or see me the way you see her. I know you said you guys broke up, but so what? I know what I am and I know that's all I'll ever be.”

He feels tears prick his own eyes as he listens to you. He shakes his head, “Stop that. Stop saying that I’ll never feel the same. Stop saying that you’re just a slut.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! It matters to me. You’re not just “some slut”. You’re my best friend.”

You frown as you feel the urge to cry become stronger. You take your hand away and you pinch your thigh again, just wanting the tears to go away. What he said made you feel awful. It’s not what you wanted to hear. You didn’t want to be just that…and he just kept reminding you that that’s all you are. “...do you honestly think that makes me feel better?”

He frowns, “Fine. Maybe it doesn’t make you feel better. But it should. Because it’s the fucking truth.”

“Are you even thinking about what I told you? Are you even thinking about how you're the guy I've been talking about? How every time you talked about Yujin, every time I saw you hold her hand, how you talked about her when you told me about the first time you guys had sex, that I just wanted to curl up and die? You don't get it. You calling me your best friend doesn't make me feel any fucking better. It makes me feel worse than when people call me a slut. But I don't want you to stand here and try to make me feel better, because if you think telling me you care about me because I'm your 'best friend' is going to make me feel better, then you haven't listened to a damn thing I've said.”

He stares at you sympathetically. He stares at you as he realizes just how badly he’s broken your heart. As he realizes he broke your heart. 

“I don't want to be your best friend. I don't want you to tell me I'm your best friend.” You keep pinching your thigh harder, but tears roll down your cheeks anyway. “I wanted it to be me.” you say as you cry even though you keep pinching harder. “I wanted to hold your hand romantically. I wanted you to smile at me the way you did with her. I wanted you to talk about me the way you talked about her.” Your breath hitches as you cry and pinch your thigh harder, your nails digging into your skin. “I wanted to be special to you. I wanted you to tell me you love me. I wanted to be your girlfriend...more than anything in the world.” You cry harder even though you try not to and you dig your nails more into your thigh.

He’s never seen you cry. Not when you broke your arm, not when your pet goldfish died, not when your first boyfriend broke up with you, not even when you get incredibly frustrated. He has never seen you cry. But he hates it. He doesn’t want to see you so sad, so hurt, in so much pain…and he hated it even more because he–the one person you loved more than anything else–was the one who was making you feel this way. He pulls you into him, hugging you tightly, just wanting to take your pain away, just wanting you to…feel loved. But you push him away and wipe your tears, and he notices the imprints from your nails on your thighs. He doesn’t even realize it, but he reaches his hand out and gently touches the marks as he looks at them. He touches the ridges softly and your skin feels so smooth to him, so precious, but you push his hand away. His eyes travel up to meet yours and he sees you’ve stopped crying.

“Why wouldn’t you just have told me how you felt?” he asks, quietly.

“For starters, you had a girlfriend. The other reason: it doesn’t matter.”

“What if I never got with Yujin? What if I was single the whole time?”

“I didn’t realize I loved you until you started dating her…”

“Why her? I’ve dated other girls before, so why her?”

You shrug, “She’s the only one you really seemed to be serious about…the only one you told you loved. Besides…I’m not some sort of homewrecker.”

“I wish you told me.” he whispers. “You were never going to tell me?”

“No.”

“So, you were just hoping I would never find out?”

“Yes.”

“So, you were just going to keep that secret for the rest of your life?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you were just going to live with that pain forever?”

“Are you going to keep asking the same question?”

“I just want to know…” he says as if he’s desperate. “Why…why would you not tell me?”

“Because you were with Yujin! Because you kept telling me how much you loved her! How pretty you thought she was, how happy you were to be with her, how smart and kind and funny and fucking perfect you thought she was! You were happy. You were happy with someone who wasn't me and although that killed me, you were happy. I couldn't do that to you.” you say as your voice breaks.

“So that justified you suffering in silence? Why would you rather see me happy while you were in pain?”

You look at him like the answer was obvious. How does he not get it? You stare at him as you remain quiet, looking at him as if it’s your last time. “Because I love you.” you say, softly.

He feels like you’re looking at him as if he is the most special person to walk on earth. He swallows out of nervousness as he realizes you gave him your heart completely. “You love me so much that you were willing to put yourself through hell just to see me be happy?” He doesn’t feel worthy of that…but you seem to think he is. You love him.

“Wouldn’t you have done the same for Yujin?”

You don’t want to hear him answer this. You don’t want to know, but you feel like he doesn’t understand. You feel like you keep repeating yourself and he’s relishing in it. 

He doesn’t know how to answer. Would he? Hearing how you describe your love for him, he realizes what he felt for Yujin maybe wasn’t love. Maybe it was comfort. Or security. Or the fact that someone wanted to be with him so seriously. Maybe he did love her, but…not the way you love him. This sounds like love. This sounds like what he was supposed to feel. “Yes…” he says, not really sure if that’s true. He wants to believe he loves her. He wants to believe he didn’t waste almost four years on something that ends up meaning absolutely nothing. He has to love her.

“Then you get it.”

“Did you just hope we would break up one day so you and I would get together?”

You sigh, “You still don't get it. I know you don't feel the same way. I know I am not the type of girl you want to be with. I'm not the type of girl any guy wants to be with seriously.”

How could you say that about yourself? Sunghoon doesn’t believe any of that, not for a single fucking second. “That isn’t true. You’re smart, kind, funny, and pretty.”

“Stop.”

“No. It’s true. Everything I just said is true. You think no guy would be able to fall in love with you, but they would. You would make an awesome girlfriend.” he tries to reassure you.

You don’t want any guy.

“You’re not making me feel better.”

“What am I supposed to do, then? Agree with the bullshit you’re saying about yourself? Because that’s not fucking happening.”

“What I want you to say…you can’t.”

“Try me. Tell me.”

You just look at him. He doesn’t get it. He isn’t saying it because he doesn’t feel the same. This realization makes you feel like you’re crumpling. You look at him, defeated. If you have to tell him, you know he would only say it to make you feel better, not because he actually wants to. That. That’s what hurts the most. He would say it because you’re his best friend…but you don’t want to be.

“...are you going to try and get back together with Yujin?”

He pauses. He thinks about it for a second. “Right now…I don’t know. I guess a part of me wants to try still. Does that make me shitty?” He’s not sure why he does. Yujin is the first girl he’s ever told he loved…and he doesn’t say it often. Maybe he’s like you, in a way. He doesn’t really like saying stuff like that. It felt weird when he said it. But he thinks that’s just because he’s never said it before. 

“Why would I?”

“I feel like an asshole for even considering it after everything you’ve told me-”

“She’s the one you love.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” he says, truthfully. He just needs to think. He just needs one damn second to think.

“Then let me make it clear: be with her. From my perspective, she's the one you want. What I told you, how I so stupidly cried in front of you, that doesn't matter. I told you this earlier: you should've chosen her. So just, make up with her tomorrow or whatever and be with her.” you swallow. “...but I can't be your friend.”

He sees you giving up. He hears it. He hates it. His mind is running a thousand miles per minute, he can’t fucking think and it’s pissing him off. “It’s not that easy. I can’t just ‘choose’ between the two of you. I’m confused, I just…I want to be with whoever makes me happy.”

He’s always been happy with you. Sure, you two fought, but you always got over it. You make him happy. So goddamn happy. But he’s scared. He just gave nearly four years of his life to Yujin…what if it’s because he does love her? 

“That’s her.”

“How are you so sure it’s not you?”

“I know.”

He groans in frustration. “So, I have to choose between the two of you?”

You. He chooses you. He’s not sure about the rest of it, but all he knows is that he chooses you. Four years with Yujin doesn’t compare to the years you and him have had together. Nothing else matters. You. Just you.

“Just be with her.”

“What if I want to be with you?”

He hasn’t thought about it. Maybe he chooses you only as a best friend. What if he doesn’t choose you for love? …does he love you? He recalls the teasing from classmates when you guys were younger, but he's never really given any thought to it possibly becoming real. Does he love you the same way he loves Yujin? Does he even love Yujin? He doesn’t know…he just doesn’t know.

“You don’t.”

“And what makes you so sure that I choose Yujin over you? What makes you so sure you’re ‘not enough’ for me?”

“...because you would’ve chosen me first.”

“I can still choose you.”

You sigh, “You're making this complicated. You know she's the one you love, stop feeling bad for me like I'm some lost puppy and just admit it. I don't want your pity and I certainly don't want you to say you ‘choose me’ because you're confusing your pity for feelings. Stop saying I'm this great girl and stop saying any guy would be lucky to have me, that makes me feel worse. So just make up with Yujin and get back with her. Reassure her that you love her because you do and tell her I won't be a problem anymore because you and I aren't anything anymore. Problem solved.”

Is this really what you believed? Is this really what you thought? He just needed some time, he can’t think. He doesn’t know what to think anymore. You were speaking as if it was impossible for him to love you, but what if he does? How is he supposed to know? How did he know with Yujin? He’s questioning whether he even loved her since he can’t even compare how he feels about you with whatever he felt with her. He just knows it’s stronger. But stronger in what way? He sees how you’re looking at him and he realizes the only way for him to succeed in making you feel better–which is what he truly wants–is to just listen to you. He doesn’t want to. But he wants to see you be happy, even if it means he isn’t.

“Are you really sure this is what you want me to do?” he barely asks, the words leaving his mouth without any fervor, as if he never wanted to utter them in the first place. As if he doesn’t want to hear your answer; see you walk out of his life.

You don’t answer him. You just look at him before walking past him. You hold your breath, knowing that once you exhale, you’re going to start sobbing. You felt so lonely. So lonely. You’ve always had him…and then you lost him to Yujin…and now, you’ve lost him for good.

He doesn’t turn around to look at you as you walk away, because he knows if he does, he will run after you and that clearly isn’t what you want. You want to let him go, at least that’s how he understands it. He doesn’t want that. He wants you. He knows that much, he knows he needs you. He’s not sure how things will look without you now. He never thought it would be like this, but here he is. …why does this feel so much worse than when Yujin walked away from him? Why does this hurt more than his actual breakup? The reason is one he doesn’t want to admit. He realizes the answer and he refuses to let it grow to fruition. He doesn’t know why it took him until now to figure it out, but he’ll realize that later. He wanted time…now, he’s got it.

-

Deja vu. That’s what this all feels like. Here Sunghoon was, again, at another stupid frat party around midnight. Here he was, again, with Yujin. He took your advice, he decided to apologize and get back together with her, and these past few months without you have felt like torture. Even using torture to describe it seems too dull. He has thought about nothing but you. He’s heard around campus about people you’ve hooked up with, but he doesn’t feed into it. As he stands here with Yujin at this godforsaken party, all he can feel is regret. He leans against a wall as Yujin talks with her friends and he practically chugs his drink. He doesn’t even want to leave the party because he doesn't think it's worth to waste any of his wants on anything but you. You make up all of his desires and he wants nothing more than for you to be back into his life. He finishes the rest of his drink and to his surprise, he does see you. He stands up straighter as he looks at you, but feels like his insides are on fire when he realizes you’re making out with Sungchan. On the couch. On the couch, you are making out with Sungchan. On the couch, Sungchan is running his hands along your hips and waist. On the couch, you let him. 

You would be lying if you said you didn’t miss Sunghoon. A part of you went missing the night you walked away from him. You’ve seen him around campus with Yujin and eventually, it finally felt like you were over it all. Over him. You wouldn’t say you’ve been getting around quite frequently, but you won’t lie when you say that you did get with some guys to help get over him. It didn’t work. But you won’t admit to that. To you, at least, you’re over it. Over him. Sungchan helped a bit with some of the lonely nights, but you two aren’t anything serious. He’s not into that sort of thing and, hey, neither are you…so this is fine. He doesn’t lie to you about how he feels or what he wants and for that, you’re grateful. Although, you do have to admit, making out with him feels boring. Being with him feels boring. It’s not fun like it used to be…and even then, you aren’t completely sure it was even fun in the first place. Whatever, you’ll get into it at some point.

Sunghoon watches, now it really feels like deja vu. Is he dreaming? Or…is this him getting a second chance? Is this when he can finally pull you away from Sungchan and be there for you? Finally tell you how he feels? How he felt the whole time…? Suddenly, his spirits are slightly lifted, that is, until Yujin crosses her arms and scoffs before shoving him. Sunghoon is surprised and turns his attention towards her. Some people look at them, but Yujin doesn’t care, she just looks at Sunghoon, furious.

“Do you even want me to be your girlfriend?”

Maybe honesty wouldn’t be best right now. “I do…”

“Then stop looking at her.”

“Let’s…not make a scene.” he says, trying to calm her down.

“Just be honest for once: do you love me or her?”

He doesn’t know how to answer. He knows his answer, he’s had months to figure it out. But…you made yourself clear. You were done with each other. He sighs. “Can I get a moment to figure it out?” he asks, honestly a bit surprised he didn’t just cave and reassure her.

Yujin frowns and scoffs. “Let me ask you this, then. Do you wish that you were making out with her?”

He looks back at you and Sungchan, seeing him whisper something to you and you giggling before he kisses you again. He looks back at Yujin. “Yeah.” he swallows, gathering all of his courage. “But, that sounds…awful. It’s like you want me to admit I regret getting back together with you or something-”

“Do you?”

“Yes.” he answers without hesitation. He feels all of his muscles tense up. Did he really just say that? Well…it’s the truth, but he never thought he would say it. He feels…better.

Yujin quickly squashes that by slapping him, “We’re done.” she says before storming out, her friends following. Sure, the slap hurt, but as Sunghoon looks back at you and Sungchan…the pain from the slap seems so insignificant in comparison.

You decide to tell Sungchan you’re getting a drink, so you get up from the couch and go into the kitchen. You pour yourself a drink and once you do, you walk to the backyard and take a seat on the patio. 

Sunghoon figures you want to be alone…but finds himself following you outside anyway. He walks over to you cautiously. You and him have spoken consistently for practically your whole lives, but he finds himself struggling to even say a simple sentence or ask a question. The time you’ve spent apart was multiple days…too many fucking days in his opinion. He can’t stand it. “Can I sit here?” he asks, referencing the spot beside you. You shrug as you take a sip of your drink. He feels relieved, baby steps, right? He takes a seat beside you and thinks for a moment on how to keep the conversation going. “So…what were you telling Sungchan?” …has he lost the ability to socialize or something because why was this the question he asks? He bites his bottom lip a bit in frustration at himself.

“Spying on me?” you tease as you extend your cup, offering him some.

Sunghoon chuckles softly and shakes his head. Hearing your voice for the first time in months makes him remember just how much he’s missed you. He feels like everything in his life is restored and he smiles a bit. “You guys were all over each other on the couch, is it really weird for me to wonder?”

You shrug, “I mean, just typical flirting and dirty talk or whatever. Why?”

He feels his breath catch in his throat. “Dirty talk”?...what the fuck? “Um…no reason…I guess I was just…curious or something.” he mumbles.

“Are you here with Yujin?” you ask as you take another sip of your drink.

He shakes his head. “Well, not anymore. She broke up with me so…I’m alone now.” he realizes how that might’ve come off. “Alone here now…not…me alone altogether…or anything.” he cringes and looks away from you, feeling completely stupid. 

“What? Why did she break up with you?”

“She…saw me…looking at you and Sungchan…so she broke up with me.” he says, not really wanting to say the other stuff from the argument. You laugh in response and he frowns. “Don’t laugh.”

You nudge his shoulder, “It’s okay. If she broke up with you for that dumb of a reason, her loss.” You say as you take another sip.

He smiles slightly. It feels like old times. It feels like he has you back. It feels like you want him back. “Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s probably best I don’t have her constantly being suspicious about me and you.”

“Especially since we haven’t talked in months.”

He feels caught off guard by your blunt statement. Sure, it’s true…but it sounds like you didn’t miss him. “Yeah…we haven’t talked in a while.” You just take another sip of your drink and he looks back at you. “I’ve missed you.” He waited for you to say something back, but you didn’t. “I’ve um…missed talking to you like before. Like, before…everything got complicated and stuff-”

“I know what you meant.”

He nods his head a bit, everything now feeling awkward. “So…what have you been up to? Anything interesting happen?”

“Nope.”

“Really? Nothing? Nothing at all?”

“Yup” you say as you take another drink.

“So…for the past few months, you’ve done absolutely nothing interesting?” he asks, his tone being more lighthearted and joking to try and diffuse the tension.

“No offense, but I’m not really looking to ‘catch up’ with you.”

Sunghoon feels his heart stop for a moment, but he tries to play it off. “Okay, ouch.” he laughs nervously, “So you’re not even remotely interested in talking with me?”

You shrug, “I dunno. These past few months without you, I’ve kinda just been doing my own thing, I guess.”

Your response left him feeling worthless. Like, he didn’t even mean a single thing to you before. Which, he knows isn’t true…but you sound like you mean it. “So, you haven’t missed me at all? Not even talking to me?”

“At first, yeah. But don’t worry, I’m not in love with you anymore.”

“...you’re not…in love with me anymore…?” he asks as he feels his blood run cold. You just shake your head and continue drinking from your cup. His heart sinks immediately. He feels small; insignificant. His mind jumps back to Sungchan and he frowns. “Are you in love with him now?”

“Him?”

“Sungchan.”

“Eh,” you shrug, “we’re not dating, just casual, I guess.”

“So, you’re not exclusive with him?”

“No.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah.”

He feels himself growing jealous and frustrated. How could you give yourself to someone who doesn’t love you? Sunghoon feels upset, realizing he unintentionally did the same thing, but still, not to this extent. He knows you. He knows you don’t want this…hopefully. But he sure as hell knows that you don’t deserve this. 

“That’s ridiculous. How can you be committed to this?”

“I’m not committed.”

He groans, “That’s…not what I meant. What do you two even get out of this?”

You shrug, “Why do you care? I get you’re a relationship guy even though you’ve only been serious with one girl, but don’t shit on me and what I choose to do.”

The way you spoke got under his skin. “I care because I happen to care about the people around me. In case you haven’t noticed, I care about you.” But you just roll your eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes. I’m being serious. Why do you feel like this isn’t worth talking about?”

“Because we aren’t friends. We aren’t anything. I don’t need your input.”

It feels like you’ve slapped him in the face, and this time, it fucking stings. “What do you mean we aren’t friends? We grew up together, how the hell are we not friends?”

“Are you stupid?”

“Am I stupid?” he asks, offended and frustrated. He was starting to lose his patience. “No. I’m not. I still consider you as my friend. We grew up together, went to the same schools, hung out every damn day, how is none of that relevant?”

“We haven’t spoken in months.”

“So what?” he asks, feeling as though your friendship suddenly means less than nothing to you, somehow.

“I told you that night that I wasn’t going to be your friend anymore.”

He freezes. He knows. He also knows you don’t just say shit without it meaning anything. He knows you aren’t friends anymore, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want you to be nothing to each other. He thought that if, maybe, he admitted he still sees you as his friend, you would admit the same. But you don’t. And now he feels that same empty feeling. “So…you’re just fine with letting us go without a second thought?”

You look at him, “Do you not remember anything from that night? Of course if fucking hurt; I was in love with you.”

“So it does matter.”

You sigh, “It doesn’t matter anymore; that was a long time ago.” you say as you take another sip.

He looks at you for a moment, feeling like his heart has become a punching bag and you were just taking any hit you could. Was this really the same person he grew up with? That he… “How could it not matter anymore? We used to mean the world to each other…how can that just…be…over?”

You look at him, “Because I had to get over you.”

“It’s not that easy. I spent everyday thinking about you. Everyday.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you!” He thought your question was so redundant, he honestly didn’t even realize what he said at first. 

“But…” you sit there, stunned. He finally said what you wanted him to say for so long, even if it was with a frustrated tone, still…it counted. “What about Yujin?”

“She…she doesn’t matter. You do. She always suspected I was in love with you-”

“Well, this is news to me.”

He deadpans. “Are you being fucking serious? I get I never said it before, but…” he pauses; he sees what you mean. “Okay…but…you never once thought it was possible that I love you?”

“No. Because that night when I told you that I was in love with you, you just kept saying I was your best friend. You’re so full of it.”

“I’m not full of it! I just…for fucks sake, I just didn’t know. I thought…I don’t know, I thought maybe for you it was just passing, or something, I don’t know what I thought I just…I don’t know.”

“Right. So as I stood there, crying my eyes out as I told you how much I loved you, you thought it was one sided.” you say as you roll your eyes.

“I…” he feels like he did that night, like he can’t think. “I just didn’t know, maybe something was holding me back, I don’t know.”

“I know why.”

He looks at you, relieved, thankful that you understand what he means. “You do?”

“Of course you didn’t want to admit to that. How embarrassing for you to have a crush on one of the school’s biggest sluts.”

He frowns. “That’s not what I mean. You honestly think it’s embarrassing for me to like you?”

“Exactly. And you knew that. I don’t blame you, no guy wants their girlfriend to be a whore.” You take another sip of your drink and you look at him. “Look, I’m not mad. I got over it and I honestly don’t care anymore. I know what I am and I know that until we graduate, that’s all I’ll probably be. But it doesn’t matter. Yujin breaking up with you not too long ago was dumb, you’re a really great guy, but you’ll find someone else.” You take another sip,  “I should probably head back in and find Sungchan.”

He felt anger wash over him. Not because you don’t believe him about being in love with you. Not because you were going to Sungchan. But because of the fact that you believe the things you say about yourself. You’re so special, so goddamn special, and Sunghoon is so scared as he realizes he may be too late.

“And what if I don’t want to find someone else? What if I don’t want anyone else but you?”

You look at him for a moment. “Do you remember how you would talk about Yujin with me? You may not remember everything you said, but I remember it all and I remember how you looked as you said it. You talked about her like she was the most special and most beautiful girl in the world. You had this smile that you only had with her…” you pause for a moment, “You may say you have feelings for me…but they're not like the ones you had for her, and that’s okay. I don’t want you to feel bad because you deserve to be happy, but you also deserve to find another girl that makes you talk and feel that same way…and I know that’s not me.”

You’re so wrong. You’re so fucking wrong and it was pissing him off. He wishes he just figured this out earlier. He wishes that he asked you out instead. He wishes that he told you he loves you that night. He wishes he kissed you. He wishes he held you and didn’t let go. He swallows, “You remember everything I said?” he asks, slightly surprised to hear that. Honestly, he doesn’t even remember what he said. Not anymore.

“Of course I do…I wanted nothing more than for it to be me.” you say quietly as you take a sip and sigh. “But like I said, water under the bridge.”

He feels tears begin to form. “Why did we have to grow apart? Why didn’t you just talk to me? Just one damn word. Something. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“I can’t be your friend.”

“Why not?”

You look at him for a long moment, just staying quiet. “...I’m only going to say this once…but if I stayed your friend, I would just keep hurting myself…I would still love you.”

He stays quiet for a while. Even the loud music and chatter from the people inside seemed to drown out as he looked at you; you’re all that matters; you’re all that deserves his attention. “...did it hurt when we would talk everyday?”

You sigh softly and shake your head. “Not until you started dating Yujin. Before that, everything was fine. But once she happened…it hurt like hell.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you. I couldn’t do that to you, you were happy.”

“I would have wanted to know. I would have wanted to be there for you…”

You laugh a little, “No, that’s weird.” You shake your head and still laugh a little, “It’s fine, I’m over it.” 

“It’s not weird. It’s not okay for you to act like everything is fine.” he says, softly.

“Why are you trying to rehash this? There’s no point. Or do you like to hear about how I used to love you and it gives you some sort of ego boost or something?” you ask, not wanting to dive back into this…not again. He shakes his head, but he sighs. What is the point? You aren’t believing him and you’ve said it yourself…you’re over him. You stand up and his eyes follow you, “I’m gonna go find Sungchan. Later.” you say, not really meaning the ‘later’ part, but nonetheless, you walk away and all he can do is watch you leave…again.

He heads back into the party, wanting to find solace in getting batshit drunk or something, but he continues to torture himself by watching you dance with Sungchan. His eyes only focus on you, sure, he’s jealous and pissed off that you’re with Sungchan, but he only sees you. Sees how you move and he finds himself wishing you were dancing with him. 

Sungchan pulls you closer, just whispering sweet nothings in your ear and you feel his hands grab your ass. You giggle a little and try to enjoy your time with him as he starts kissing your neck. You laugh softly as you dance with him and, unfortunately for Sunghoon, he’s bearing witness to it all. His hand practically crushes his red solo cup as fury ignites within him when he watches what Sungchan is doing. That should be him. Not that he would be so…vulgar with his actions, but it should still be him instead. He sees Sungchan whisper something to you as he takes your hand and starts taking you upstairs. 

As he watched the two of you making your way upstairs, his whole body shook and trembled in rage. Every step that the two of you took together enraged him. He hated the way you casually held his hand and how he casually walked you up the stairs. He hated how he acted as if he had every right to touch you like that. He hated the fact that you were both so comfortable with one another at this point. He hated the fact that he was leading you away to his room…

You were so focused on following Sungchan, you were surprised to feel a tug on your other hand once you reached the top of the stairs. Both Sungchan and you stop and you turn to see Sunghoon holding your other hand. 

Sunghoon felt at ease, like he was grounded when he felt your hand in his. This made him more confident as he tugged you towards him, wanting you away from Sungchan. This pisses Sungchan off and he scoffs as he looks at Sunghoon. 

“The hell?” Sungchan says, not in the mood for any games. He tugs the hand he was holding, pulling you back towards him, but you find yourself only focused on Sunghoon as your heart starts to beat faster.

Sunghoon pulls you back towards him, his grip on your hand tightening. “Back off.” he says as he glares at Sungchan. 

“You back off.” Sungchan says as he tugs you back towards him.

Sunghoon realized that you were just being tugged around, so he stopped, but he kept holding your hand. “Let go of her.”

“You let go of her.” He looks at you, “Who the hell is this guy?” Sungchan asks, annoyed.

“Someone who actually loves her instead of using her.”

You look at Sunghoon, surprised to hear him say that. Sure, he said he loved you earlier…but this time when he said it, he said it like it was what he meant to say; what he wanted to say.

Sungchan laughs. “You love her?”

Sunghoon glares at him. “Yes. I love her. Now back off.”

Sungchan scoffs and puts his arm around you. “Tell you what, bud, you can have her when I’m done.” Sungchan winks as he pulls you towards him.

Sunghoon feels enraged. This asshole was acting so entitled, acting like he won this argument when Sunghoon knew damn well he wasn’t giving up. The fact that he had the nerve to call him “bud” too made Sunghoon want to throw him down the flight of fucking stairs. How he treated you was disgusting, talking about you like that in front of you. Sunghoon tugged you towards him one last time and Sungchan rolled his eyes. 

“Whatever.” Sungchan looks at you, “You know where my room is.” he says as he winks at you before walking away.

Sunghoon grimaces as Sungchan leaves, but feels better once he’s gone. The whole time, you were just looking at Sunghoon and you feel as though your heart is beating out of your chest as he holds your hand. After what he said. After all of this. He meets your gaze and he looks at you in a much more gentle manner. 

“You deserve so much more…” he whispers, his breath lightly brushing along your face since you’re so close together. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry-”

“Stop.”

“No.” he says as he lets go of your hand and uses it instead to gently cup your face. “I wasn’t lying. You are all I’ve thought about for these past few months and you’re all I can ever think about. I’ve missed you every single damn second of the day and I’m sorry I was too scared to say it all before. I love you. And all this time, I’ve just thought about what you mean to me and the answer is everything; you mean everything to me. ...that seems like such a vague thing to say now that I say it out loud.” he chuckles softly, “But everything means nothing if you’re not with me. Eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking, are all pointless if I can’t spend one goddamn second with you. I’m not embarrassed of you and I only realized that night when you left that I’ve always been in love with you. Always. What I felt with Yujin is all meaningless when I compare it to how I feel about you. I love you. It was never her. Not for even a millisecond. You asked me if I would put myself through pain just to see her happy and I told you yes. I lied. I thought that was what I would do, but I realized I actually did that with you. I let you walk away because that’s what you wanted. I didn’t want that, god-” he takes a sharp inhale as he rests his forehead on yours, “It’s always been you…and I’m so sorry I never said it until now. I’m so sorry I put you through all of that shit. I’m so sorry, but please…” he whispers as he looks into your eyes, all of his focus only on you. “I love you.”

You feel your breath hitch slightly and you feel so tempted just to kiss him, but you hold yourself back. You smile a little bit and pull away slightly, feeling relieved. “...I need to smoke. You want one?” you ask as you take his hand, going into an empty bedroom. 

He closes the door behind the two of you as you walk over and sit on the bed, opening the window beside it. He sits beside you as you take out your pack and he smiles a bit. “Yeah, I do.” he says as you hand him one. He watches as you light yours and then you light his for him. You both sit silently for a moment as you smoke, it being a comfortable silence until he speaks. “Thank you.” he says, mainly for lighting his cigarette, but he does want it to apply to you not leaving him again.

“I forgive you.” you say after a moment.

“You do?” he asks as he takes a drag and looks at you.

“Yeah.” you say as you take another drag yourself. “But you’ve got to get better at saying how you feel.” you tease.

He scoffs playfully and nudges your arm. “Says you.” he mumbles as he continues to smoke.

You laugh softly and shrug. “We’ll work on it.” you say before exhaling your smoke and he nods his head a bit as you both look out of the window for a moment. You glance at him and inhale from your cigarette before gently pulling him towards you. He turns his head to look at you and you kiss him gently, shotgunning the smoke slowly into his mouth.

His eyes widen a bit as his heart beats rapidly. He closes his eyes as he inhales, letting the smoke slowly fill his lungs while he leans forward to kiss you back, indulging in the feeling of your lips on his even if it wasn’t an actual kiss. After blowing out the smoke, you break the kiss and watch as he exhales the smoke. He does it slowly, feeling as though his lips are tingling, begging to meet yours again. He smirks a bit after he exhales all of the smoke and looks at you. “Damn…that was good.” he whispers as he blushes a bit.

You grin, taking another drag, “I’ve missed you.”

He takes a drag as well as smiles softly. “I’ve missed you, too.” It goes quiet, but this time, a comfortable silence as you two smoke. He blows some smoke out of the window and looks back at you. “Do you think…we could give this another shot?”

You follow suit and blow some smoke out of the window before looking at him. “Our friendship or…something more this time?”

“Something more. Both, hopefully.” he smirks a bit as he says this, taking another drag.

You smirk a little back and chuckle softly, “I really want that.”

“So do I.” he whispers as his eyes lock onto yours. He smiles softly, “We’re going to be official.”

He reaches for your hand and carefully interlaces his fingers with yours. You take another drag as you smile shyly. “Good…” you say, softly.

Your fingers seem to fit with his perfectly; everything about you is perfect and it was things like this that make him realize it all the more. You hold hands as you smoke silently, both feeling a fluttering excitement in your stomachs as your relationship dynamic shifts to one that you both have been longing for before you even realized it yourselves. He glances at you as he exhales some smoke.

“Good? Wow…I was expecting some more passion out of that.” he teases, gently squeezing your hand.

You laugh before finishing your cigarette and putting it out. You turn your body a bit to face him, “What about…fucking incredible?”

He laughs loudly at your new choice of phrasing. He calms down after a moment, “That’s more like it.” he says with a grin before smoking his cigarette again. His gaze lingers on you as he watches you smile at his reaction. Stunning. He leans in, letting go of your hand, placing his left hand beside you on the bed as his lips meet yours, kissing you. 

You don’t waste a single second, kissing him back immediately as your hand makes its way to the back of his head, your fingers threading with his hair as you push yourself slightly forward, pressing your lips against his more. He inhales sharply as he moves his left arm around your waist, pulling you closer, desperately. He puts out his cigarette and discards it, using his other arm to wrap around you as well as he pulls you onto his lap. You part your legs, straddling his lap as you grin a bit into the kiss, both of your hands using their fingers to gently tug on the ends of his soft hair. You feel yourself fill with excitement, the fact that this is really happening after every inch of your body has desired this exact moment makes you feel restless. 

Sunghoon runs his hands up and down your thighs, squeezing them gently, before moving them up to your hips, and then your waist. His hands suddenly felt so big against your skin, his fingers sending shivers throughout your whole body anywhere they touch. He opens his mouth slightly more and you take this as a sign to slip your tongue into it. He grins, this time, and he pulls you closer to him by gripping your waist; your bodies now pressed tightly against each other. He moves his hands to cup your face and you move yours to rest against his chest, your fingers tightly gripping his shirt in an attempt to somehow kiss him deeper. His tongue glides across yours as he kisses you with increasing desperation. The need for you grows every second that passes, he has to kiss every inch of you, he has to make you his, he has to make you feel loved; the only thoughts devouring his mind at this very moment consisted of nothing but you and his need to ensure you only ever want him. 

The kiss becomes sloppy, both of your lips becoming covered in one another, and you feel yourself craving more. So much more. You bite his bottom lip a little, testing to see if this will make him decide to take initiative, resulting in him gasping softly and releasing a low moan. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He moves his hands back to your waist, pushing you down against his lap and his jaw loosens a bit as he loses his breath, feeling you finally press against his erection. You moan softly, enjoying the feeling of some sort of contact where you desperately needed it the most and it felt so good knowing he wanted you just as much as you wanted him. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to have you. 

One of his hands grips your thigh and his other arm goes back to wrapping around your waist as he picks you up a bit and lays you back against the bed, not once breaking the kiss; at this point, kissing you has become his oxygen supply. Feeling your hands on him is the only thing keeping him alive. His lips part from yours only to kiss along your jaw, just below your ear, and down to your neck. You gasp softly and your eyelids flutter closed as you relish in the feeling of his soft lips kissing your skin. He takes one of his hands and uses it to move some of your hair out of the way, placing it on the back of your head, pulling your hair softly to move your head back so he has more room to work with on your neck. You let out a soft moan, feeling him leave open mouthed kisses on every single inch of your skin, him making sure he doesn’t miss a single spot. 

He opens his eyes a bit and looks at you, to see how he’s making you feel. He watches as your lips part slightly as you take in small gasps of air, as if he leaves you utterly breathless; you’ve never looked more beautiful. He watches to see what spot of your neck when he kisses it that you seem to like the most. Once he gets to a certain spot and watches you bite your bottom lip a bit, he smirks slightly against your skin and sucks gently on the area. His tongue laps the spot a bit as he sucks and nibbles on it; this was his spot now. You moan softly and you feel your breath slightly catch in your throat as he leaves a hickey. He leaves a few soft pecks on the spot a little after he’s left his mark and he smiles a bit to himself. 

You feel the warmth of his body pull away from yours and your eyes open as you look at him. The moon shined a bit through the window, the light falling beautifully on him as he looked at you with a slightly flushed face. He looked back at you, seeing you laying on this bed, all for him, he felt like he was going crazy. He sits on his knees between your legs as his hands run along your thighs; he just keeps looking at you, admiring all of you. You lay there, looking at him, feeling your body become hot as he looks at you through hooded eyes, as if you leave him in a trance. Your breathing picks up in speed as he runs his hands painfully slow along your thighs and as much as you want to pull him back towards you, you feel as though you’re frozen. 

He takes a slow, deep breath, as his left hand travels up to gently take your right hand. He holds it up softly, separating your fingers with his as he loosely holds your hand, his gaze now focusing on your hands. He raises your hand up and leans in, raising it to his mouth. He softly plants his lips on your fingertips, kissing them softly, up to your knuckles, trailing his lips to the back of your hand, then gently turning it to kiss along the palm of your hand. He closes his eyes as he kisses down your arm--slowly--and gently lays your arm back at your side as he kisses up to your shoulder. His hands move to the hem of your short dress, slowly sliding it up, you raising your hips to help him, and he stops, leaving it bunched around your waist as he goes back to kissing along your shoulder. He gently pushes the strap of your dress down your shoulder as he focuses on kissing your body, moving along your collarbone. He breathes deeply, pushing the other strap out of the way as he leaves open mouthed kisses on your left shoulder, down your arm, his hands gently holding it up as he kisses up to your wrist. You watch him, feeling as if your body is constantly shivering, still dressed (albeit, your dress is pushed up), yet feeling completely exposed. His hand envelopes over your left hand as he kisses your palm like he cherishes your entire being, the way he looks is as if he’s wanted to do this his whole life. 

He kisses your fingers, knuckles, and fingertips, opening his eyes slowly as he lets go of your arm gently. He moves his hands back to your waist, pulling your dress up more and you sit up, realizing your body is shaking, and he kisses your forehead before pulling your dress off carefully, like he’s afraid if he does it too fast, you’ll break. He lets the dress fall to the ground, the fabric hitting the hard wood floor just as softly as he lets it go. It’s as if the room is silent, no muffled music from downstairs, no rolling of tires from the occasional cars passing on the streets, no soft wind hitting the curtains, nothing except the quiet breaths escaping from his and your lips. He feels his erection become even more painfully hard as he looks at you, and he swallows, honestly trying not to let out a moan just at the sight of you. His breath stifles a little as he places his hand on the small of your back, steadying you as he leans back in, kissing the top of your chest. He feels himself growing more desperate, desperate to feel every inch of your skin on his lips, on his fingertips. 

He breathes in sharply as he presses his face more into your chest, his lips sloppily kissing along your chest as his need for you grows. His tongue trails along your skin and he shudders, his hands becoming shaky as he holds your waist, all his focus practically on making out with your chest. A low moan elicits from him and from the way he was kissing your chest with such desperation made you moan softly in response, one of your bra straps falling a little off your shoulder from his movements. It’s as if he senses it and just decides to unclasp your bra, still trying to let it slide off of you slowly and hold himself back, but once he sees you take it off, your bare chest exposed, he feels himself get so close to cumming in his pants. He gently lays you back on the bed, wasting no time, however, to wrap his lips around one of your nipples. Your breath hitches and you moan as he releases his desperation. Kissing, sucking, and fondling your breasts, small whimpers coming from him as he feels elated to finally be doing this. Spit covers your chest almost instantly as he licks and sucks, kneading your breasts, moaning as the soft flesh squeezes and molds beneath his hands. And it’s only until he feels his breathing becoming quick, his dick aching in his pants, is when he stops. He pulls away slightly, his hair slightly covering his eyes as he stares at them, his trembling fingers squeezing and spreading his spit along them, his thumbs pressing and circling your nipples, and you feel as if ripples just went throughout your entire body.

You gently push his hair away from his face and he goes back to kissing along your stomach, down to your panties. You can feel momentarily the thin layer of sweat covering his forehead when you push his hair away, running your fingers through his locks and he whines softly against your skin, his hands gripping your sides and finally moving to the edge of your panties. You wait in anticipation, expecting him to take them off, so you raise your hips slightly, but he pulls away. You pout–only slightly–as you look at him with a confused expression. He smiles sweetly, as if he’s not the one that caused you to quite literally soak through your panties. He’s noticed, god, he’s noticed, but it takes everything in him not to behave like some animal. So, with that, he moves his hands down to your feet, slowly taking off your shoes for you before setting them on the ground. He moves back a little, leaning down to kiss along your leg, stopping at your knee, before moving to do the same thing to the other leg, but this time, he kisses up your thigh, leaving open mouthed kisses on the inner part of your thigh, gently nipping at your skin, and up to your hip. He gazes at you through his eyelashes as he moves to kiss along the other thigh, closing his eyes as he moans deeply against your skin, his tongue running along your skin.

He takes in a shaky, deep breath, and you feel your whole body become stiff once you feel his warm breath scatter so deliciously on your core. He gently places his hand over your sopping panties and your breath hitches, your whole body feeling grateful for some sort of contact. His brows furrowed as he slowly rubs his middle finger along your clothed slit, a low groan escaping his lips as he feels even more of your wetness seep through the fabric as he pushes into it. His mind feels hazy; he has to taste you. He takes his hand away, licking his middle finger and he feels as if his whole body exploded. He moans quietly to himself, before gripping your thighs and sticking his tongue out, licking a slow, long stripe between your clothed folds to your clit. Your eyes roll back as you gasp and moan. His fingers dig into the skin of your thighs as he feels himself lose all sense of sanity. He wanted nothing more than to take his time, but fuck, he can’t do it anymore. 

His lips instantly latch around your clothed clit, sucking and lapping his tongue as he starts to subconsciously rut his hips against the mattress. His saliva soaks your panties entirely as he presses his tongue more firmly, causing you to moan louder, gasping, as your hand makes its way to his hair, your fingers tangling in it. He moans and pulls away only a little before diving back in, pushing your panties to the side with his face as he makes out between your folds. His jaw is working overtime, his tongue lapping and picking up as much of you as you can give, His nose bumps against your clit as he loses himself in your taste, eating you out like a madman. He groans and moans into you, his hip movements stuttering as he licks all the way back up to your clit, moving his right hand off of your thigh before pushing his middle and ring finger into you, making sure to rub them between your folds before he does. He sucks and licks your clit, moaning and whimpering as he pushes his fingers in and out of you, not stopping until his knuckles prevent him. 

You moan his name, gripping his hair, pushing his face against your clit more as your legs shake and you cum, moaning his name. He whimpers and the way you taste sends him over the edge as he feels himself cum in his pants, his jaw falling slack a bit, and he pulls his fingers out, desperate to lick them clean. You let go of his hair, trying to catch your breath and he sits up, his face slick and covered in you, and he tugs your panties off. You look at him, watching as he undresses himself and you feel your body become light as he reveals more and more of himself to you. His bare chest, his abs, god, his biceps, you were about ready to start touching yourself at the sight, desperate for him, but you managed to stay put. 

He feels his ego boost a little bit, watching how you look at him, examining his body as if he is some work of art. He’s going to give you everything he knows you deserve and that thought alone makes him smirk. You notice as he takes off his underwear the wet patch from his prior release, making you grin a bit. He finally lets his cock out, it still being painfully hard despite him having cummed already, and you gaze at it. You feel yourself clench around nothing, wanting him so desperately to fill you up and he sees it. He smiles innocently, as if you both aren’t completely naked and horny before he grabs a cigarette and lights it. He takes a drag as he spreads the precum spilling from his tip all along his length and you watch his every movement, honestly feeling your mouth water at the sight. You sit up and he motions his head to the window as the cigarette sits between his lips. 

You turn and face the window, propping your forearms against the windowsill as you look outside, the cool breeze honestly feeling nice against your flushed, hot skin. You feel his presence shift behind you as he takes another drag. He sighs softly, looking at yourself propped like this, he places his free hand on your hip, lining himself up with you. He moves that hand and gently brushes your hair softly to the side, exposing your back entirely, and you turn your head a bit to look back at him. He exhales some smoke and meets your gaze, gently brushing his fingers along your cheek. 

“Relax…” he says before leaning to whisper in your ear, “and don’t be afraid to let the neighborhood know my name.” he says before kissing your cheek. 

You feel your body shudder at his words and he holds the cigarette between his lips as he uses one hand to hold your hip, the other gripping his cock before he slides it up and down, teasingly, between your folds. You gasp softly and he smirks, pushing his tip against your clit and he hisses a little, more precum leaking from his tip. He guides his cock into you, needing to quickly grab his cigarette from his mouth due to his jaw falling slack as he bottoms out into you. Your fingers grip the edge of the windowsill, your jaw dropping as you feel him finally giving you what you want. You moan and become breathless. He takes another drag from his cigarette before moving his hand from your hip to your shoulder as he pulls his hips away and then thrusts himself back into you entirely.

He filled you up perfectly, and he was damn ready to cum just from the way it felt like you perfectly fit around him. So warm and so fucking wet. He thrusts in and out of you a few times, groaning as you moan, sounds of you coating his cock more and more each time he goes in and out of you. He takes a shaky inhale from his cigarette, his eyes rolling back a bit as he thrusts a bit faster, before taking the cigarette out of his mouth, gripping the back of your head, a handful of your hair between his fingers, as he pulls you up and turns your head towards him. You moan and whine looking at him as he kisses you, shotgunning you this time as he keeps a steady pace of thrusting into you. You felt like you were going to choke, but you inhale what he exhales and as he pulls away, you turn back and lean your forearms against the windowsill as you blow out the smoke, gasping afterwards and moaning his name.

“Good girl,” he groans and puts the cigarette out, putting both of his hands on your hips, thrusting faster. “Such a good girl.” 

You moan at his praise and breathe quickly as all you can do is let out strings of long moans as you feel his cock press into you over and over, him somehow hitting every area that makes your knees weak and mind hazy. His fingers dig into your skin as his hips rapidly pound and slap against your ass, the sound of skin slapping becoming louder and louder. You moan his name loudly, and as a reward, he pushes further, you feeling his tip brush against your cervix and you gasp, moaning his name lewdly. He grunts, the way you just moaned his name almost made him cum automatically. 

“Louder, sweetheart, come on.”

You gasp for air as he fucks you so goddamn good, and you try to arch your lower back a bit so he can go deeper. You moan his name as many times as he wants, whatever it takes for him to rut in and out of you faster, to which he obliged. His breathing becomes heavy and your legs shake as you throw your head back a bit, your jaw dropping as you let out a long moan, cum spreading all over his cock. He grunts and whimpers, wrapping his arms around your waist as his brows knit together, him leaning down and kissing your shoulder as he pumps you full of cum, a low moan coming from him and onto your shoulder. He moans your name softly as he lets out a few more shallow thrusts, making sure he gives you every last drop. You feel yourself shiver as the warm liquid pushes into you and you whine a little. 

After a moment of him holding you close and staying inside of you, he kisses your shoulder softly again before pulling out and pulling away. He lays back onto the bed and you shudder as you feel his and your cum spilling out of you and trailing slowly down your inner thigh. He opens his arms a bit and you go to him, letting out a sigh as you rest your head on his chest and feeling content when his arms wrap around you. His hand slowly moves up and down your back before he kisses the top of your head. It’s silent for a while as you both lay there.

“So…we’re a thing now?” you ask, partly joking, but part of you was seriously asking.

He looks down at you and scoffs playfully. “After all of this, you still don’t get it?” he chuckles softly. “I want nobody but you.”

[pandora-writes-one-piece]

Happy, happy birthday Pandora! <3 I wish you all the health and happiness!

"I’m not saying I like you, but if a sea beast ate you, I might cry a little." (that prompt is just so cute ahhh) with Eustass Kid please - fem!reader, sfw

Isn't it a cute prompt anon? I had fun with it! Especially with this firecracker of a Captain! Thank you soooo much for the birthday wishes and I hope you enjoy this! ❤️

Source for pic

Drowning in Flames

Word Count: 1652

Tags: fem!reader; cursing; feelings; love confessions;

Special Warning: English is not my first language, I apologise for any possible spelling or grammar mistakes.

Summary: You saved Kid from drowning and your thanks involves scrubbing the deck.

Tag List: @rosidaze @beachaddict48 @armiliadawn @jintaka-hane @sprinkklz @baby5555 @hopelesslover06 @mars-mizuko @sleepykittycx @nerium-lil @eustasscapitankid

|Masterlist|

“Reckless idiot! Stupid moron! Thoughtless imbecile.”

“Oi! I’m still yer Captain! Watch yer filthy mouth before I wash it with soap!”

Water puddles gather around your feet and each step you take makes a sploshing sound. Your eyeliner is running and you blame your freaking idiot captain for it. Okay, not all of it. You could’ve been less stingy and bought the waterproof eyeliner like - clearly - Eustass fucking Kid did. But the rest was his fault.

“I don’t give a shit!” You’re standing up on the deck and he’s sitting down, but you still need to look up to meet his eyes. “You almost drowned you reckless-...” Kid arches his eyebrow and growls. “Captain!” A hiss leaves your lips just as the salt from the water makes contact with a cut from the sword fight you were engaged in before having to save your captain’s ass!

“So did ya!” He shouts, throwing his arms in the air and splashing more water over the deck. 

You could make out the faint sounds of Killer ordering the crew around so you could manoeuvre away from the wreckage of the pirate ship you all had just annihilated.  

“I only almost drowned because you fell in the water like an idiot! A heavy, fat-assed, idiot whom I don’t have the strength to save from fucking drowning!”

“Oi, lass! I will tell ya this one more time,” Kid rises, looking more menacing by the inch, and leans down until his face is right in front of yours. “Ya call me an idiot again and I’ll have to punish ya.”

A mischievous smile curves your lips upwards and you cross your arms over your chest in a clear teasing manner, trying to push your captain further and see where it gets you. “Oh, really, Captain? And what’s the punishment?”

Eustass Kid’s unhinged grin should’ve given you a hint of what’s coming. 

It did not.

-*-

“Fucking Captain. I save his ass  from drowning and I have to scrub the freaking deck. Figures.” You keep muttering between clenched teeth. As soon as the Doc patched you up, Heat handed you a rag, a bucket and a mop, telling you Kid ordered you to leave the deck glistening.

He didn’t even have the decency to tell you himself!

You almost drowned trying to save his heavy ass from the freezing, relentless sea, and this is the thanks you get? 

“Fucking glistening? It’s gonna be fucking perfect! You’re gonna be able to eat off this shit.”

And you mean it too. Even when you crack a third nail by scrubbing too hard.

-*-

Dinner time comes and goes and you are still scrubbing. There are no more nails left to crack or break. Your hands are red and raw and your knees are bruised and have definitely seen better days.

There's a moment when you think you might have reopened that slash in your leg, but it stops bleeding after a while so you shrug it off. You’re not going to be the first one to cave.

When the stars are high up in the sky and the moon is casting its glow on the deck, you fall on your butt, kick the bucket to the side and sigh in satisfaction as your back hits the balustrade. 

“Fucking glistening. Look at that reflection! I can count the stars without looking at the sky.” 

A pained grunt leaves your lips as you start to feel sore and tired, cramped and cranky. A heated battle followed by almost drowning and a thorough scrubbing of the deck does that to you. 

“It just took ya all day, lass.”

Fuck.

“Captain. I hope you’re happy.” You close your eyes and rest your head against the railing, exhaustion seeping in through every bone of your body. You don’t have to open your eyes to feel him settling down near you.

“I’m fucking pissed.”

A moment of silence surrounds you before a chuckle emerges from your lips. It starts as a soft snicker followed by a snort, but soon evolves into something you can’t control and you laugh out loud.

“Glad to be of service.” Kid grunts, clearly not amused. “How’re ya feeling?”

“Like I died. Except not really, because everything hurts.” A groan leaves your lips as Kid places his flesh arm on top of your shoulders and pulls you against his body. 

“Ya did good, lass.”

A stubborn tear prickles behind your eyelids and you bury your head against Kid’s body. The scent of metal, oil and sea makes you want to cry, but you’ll be damned if you do that. 

“You almost drowned!” Your whine is pathetic and desperate. You don’t really care.

“But I didn’t.” He chuckles softly, or as softly as he can.

“Now you’re amused? Seriously?” You remove your head from the crook of his neck, your hand grabbing his shirt as your eyes pin him, anger written all over them. “You almost died! Do I have to spell it out for you?”

You’ve never been so afraid in your life before. Somehow, in the midst of the fight, Kid tripped and fell overboard. He was being so reckless with his attacks that it was bound to happen. Everyone was so busy with their own fights that no one noticed. So, you didn’t even think twice before jumping after him.

Obviously dragging his heavy, unconscious ass out of the water was the most tiresome and dreadful experience of your life.

Not to mention the panic and despair clawing at your chest. The possibility of losing the man you love to the clutches of the unforgiving sea. You only saved him by pure luck and adrenaline, there was no other explanation. 

“Aww, look at ya so worried about me, lass.” His hand grabs your chin as his playful eyes mock your tearful ones.

“Fuck off.” You brush his metal hand away and cross your arms over your chest, staring into the sky to blink away tears. 

“Ya like me. Admit it.”

There's this weird dance between you and Kid: he flirts and you avoid it, turning the conversation to safer topics or actually fleeing the scene; Then when you flirt he avoids you, by being gruff and bossing you around.

You know there are polls running around the crew, betting on when one of you will finally cave and fess up. Some are only about how long until you fuck each other. Others are about who will kill whom first. 

You love him, that’s the truth. 

But you’ll be damned if you’ll admit it.

Crinkling your nose and placing a hand on your chin, you say whimsically: "Well, I’m not saying I like you, but if a sea beast ate you, I might cry a little…” You shrug, avoiding the real topic of the conversation. “That’s the only reason I saved you.”

Kid pins you under his fierce gaze and you shift uncomfortably. It’s like he’s reading into your soul. 

“What?” You add, not sure how to respond to his stare. 

“Yer lying.” He leans forward and the sound that leaves your lips is half-squeak, half-weird-horn-like-sound. 

“The fuck would I lie about?” You squirm again under his gaze and try to move, but his metal arm grabs your chin, keeping you in place, challenging you. 

“Yer lying.” He repeats.

“Fine!” You relent, an urgency in your voice. “I would cry a lot! Happy?”

He leans in again and the distance between you is so small that you can smell rum and chocolate on his breath. 

“Better. Yer still lying. That’s not the only reason ya jumped into the water for me, is it lass?” Each word is a caress against your lips, a promise of something more, a plea to confess. 

Yet you don’t. 

“You're my captain.”

“Not enough.”

“The crew needs you.”

“That’s not it.”

“Killer would be devastated.”

“Try a little harder, lass.”

“Heat-...” He interrupts you with a pinch to your chin and a growl.

“Yer pissing me off again, the truth, lass!”

“Fine!” You yell in his face, your cheeks turning red as your chest heaves with shallow, nervous breaths. “I need you! I would be devastated! I would miss you! I love you!” Inhaling a gasp at the sudden confession, you purse your lips, trying to trap the words inside, but they have already escaped. 

Kid’s shit-eating grin travels through you like a wildfire that burns and destroys everything in its wake. It's powerful, it's raging, it's burning. It speaks to your soul and leaves you in a shaking, trembling mess. 

“Finally, the truth.” His metal hand releases your chin and, for a moment, you think he’s getting up to leave. Your heart skips a beat, thinking about the vulnerability of your words and how he’s going to dismiss them so quickly until…

The cold of his metal hand against your nape does nothing to cool off the heat of his scorching kiss. His lips crash into yours, demanding, hungry and commanding. A little nudge from his flesh arm has you climbing his lap in a desperate embrace as both of you deepen the connection. 

After a moment he pulls back and you're left panting and dazed, your eyes lost in his, your heart pounding so hard against your chest that you fear it might explode. 

“I love ya too, lass. Don’t ever jump in the sea again without my permission.”

The wildfire that is Kid may burn everything in its path, but the embers left behind don’t fade out. They keep sparking to life, burning bigger, hotter and more dangerously than the previous fires. 

“Not even to save your ass from a sea beast?”

He chuckles before he gets up, settling you over his shoulder, ready to take this somewhere else. 

“Especially not to save my ass from a sea beast. I will never die, lass. Burn that into yer pretty little head, will ya?”

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

[wanderingaldecaldo]

An open letter to the Cyberpunk fandom in general, and a few people in particular

It’s time to clear the air, and I want to take responsibility where appropriate.

Before we get into the recent drama, a history lesson is in order, both for the newer people in fandom and for those who have been around and just haven’t heard things from my side. This might be long with all the linked posts, so buckle up.

I don’t talk much to people about my experiences in fandom for several reasons — first, I don’t like to talk about others with people I don’t know; gossiping with friends is one thing, but otherwise it’s an undesirable trait. Because I’m human and fallible and absolutely capable of failing to meet my own standards, I have violated that rule, and it rarely does anything good. Second, even when I do share, people don’t tend to believe me because the responsible party, PinkyDude (PKD), has been “so nice” to them. “Surely there was a misunderstanding” is the most common response. 

No, there’s been no misunderstanding. He has harassed me repeatedly, both directly and indirectly, and has deleted most of the posts he’s made or reblogged from his friends/mutuals/followers that would serve as proof of this harassment. I could dig up old screenshots that people sent or I saved myself after being told of a post’s existence, but honestly I don’t want to go through that dreck again; my mental health is worth more to me than that. Instead I’ll present in my own words what happened to me over the last three years. I have spoken publicly about him three times before now — four if you count my response to the anon, which never referenced him or his ship. All of those posts are still visible and will be linked. I told you this would be a long read, but you need the context.

I joined Tumblr in spring/early 2021, back when I only wrote fic and played on console. PKD blocked me the first time I posted my fic, as is his right. As I was new to Tumblr, I didn’t understand the Tumblr app was actually telling me I was blocked whenever I clicked on the links on Discord, so I thought it was just bad software. Spoiler: it’s still bad software (affectionate). When I found out I was blocked, I was upset; I didn’t know about RSD at the time. I sent one anon asking why he blocked people; I was just a lowly AO3 author and he was the big, popular modder, and I was baffled and very upset and should have closed the browser, to be honest. He answered and explained why he blocked people (totally valid!! I will continue to emphasize that!) and shared how blocked people could still view his blog in a number of ways. Honestly, it was too much work for me to go through all of those steps, so I moved on with my life.

Not long after, he did unblock me for a few weeks and posted how someone had shown him how to filter posts. He messaged me to tell me I was unblocked, and we exchanged a few courteous messages. I believe I asked if it would be okay if I followed him. I know he expressed concern about me feeling discomfort at his ship. I don’t remember my exact response but I said I thought they were cute. That was the whole point of me joining fandom — I want to share love for blorbos! Things were civil, as far as I knew, though based on his comments later, it seems he and I had two completely different experiences. Where I believed I was polite and tried to be respectful to someone who had established boundaries, he accused me of being spiteful and vengeful. Soon after I started taking my own VP (with Mitch) he blocked me again. He sent a message to apologize that he needed to do it, and made a vague post that was directed to me, I assume, as it was something like “Sorry I tried” or whatever, and I moved on with my life, or tried. I still saw his Mitch pics in Discord servers when people shared them, though I saw fewer that were just Mitch alone.

The first time I spoke about PKD was Fall 2021, during the “not PKD approved” debacle, where someone (a follower of his! Not my follower! I cannot stress that enough!) reblogged a gif of Val and Mitch with the tag “not PKD approved.” I shared a screenshot with friends because, uh, that’s what you do, right? That’s what anyone would do — share a screenshot of an offensive tag with friends. One of those friends, a writer who had published Mitch/V on AO3 and also received anon hate on their Mitch fics, thought it was funny and used it for their Discord status. Someone shared that status with PKD, and he made vague accusations about who started the hashtag. 

I publicly defended a person who thought they were being accused, a friend at the time, and made the only statement about him that I regret and would take back — I commented on his propensity for reblogging posts that emphasize having the right to block people. I shouldn’t have said that, it wasn’t appropriate, and I apologize. Of course everyone has the right to block people for whatever reason they want. I disagree with what I said then and retract it now. 

Back to how I was targeted... Remember that it was my post that someone tagged with another person’s name; another person who had me blocked because of their jealousy about seeing anyone else with Mitch. I never named the person who tagged my post, yet I was deemed the perpetrator. Many months later, Zwei DMed me when we shared a small server to offer the most non-apology apology ever for telling people that I started the hashtag. Thanks, Zwei! Almost makes up for the other lies you told about me!

The second time was my response to the anon I got trying to “educate” me after the Pawel stream. I never referenced PKD or his ship. We’ll come back to this more in-depth later because it’s what PKD keeps using to harass me.

The third time I spoke publicly about PKD was when Silvay (sp?) posted first on Twitter, then later Tumblr. I posted a follow up the next day. I debated not saying anything. I’m an avoidant person. I don’t like conflict. I have a loud bark and no bite. My former team members can attest to this. But when I do... I don’t make public statements I’m not willing to defend, which is why everything I have linked is still published.

I do recommend stopping to read the posts linked here, and even the other posts I reblogged at the time from other people who shared their own experiences with PKD and the fandom. As I said, I don’t make public statements I won’t defend; or at least apologize and issue a public retraction. But, if you want to stay with the present and would rather have the TL;DR: I was regularly vagued about by PKD or his friends/followers, calling me transphobic and homophobic; one accused me of corrective rape; and I got tired of it.

I thought that posting publicly might bring some closure. It was cathartic to finally get it out and stop carrying that shame, and it was reassuring to hear from people who had similar experiences. At the same time, quite a few people made their own posts along the lines of “HE WAS ALWAYS NICE TO ME”. 

Oh, but he’s always been nice to me!

Look me in the eyes. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you truly believe he would be nice to you if you shipped with Mitch. Do you really believe he would? Do you think he would “block and move on” with you, unlike how he did with me?

None of those people shipped with Mitch, or other characters that people in his clique were protective over. A few months later he made a post saying not to tag me with him, and listed off every screenname I had used since I joined fandom, including the very first tumblr name I was assigned in 2021 and kept for several months because I thought it was funny. How’s that for a dog whistle? Want PKD’s attention? Better not tag wash!! [I’m sure there’s a screenshot somewhere but again, I didn’t have the energy to find it.]

By the way, why do I know all this? If I’m blocked, I shouldn’t see anything he posts without circumventing “the system”. We are mutually blocked and I don’t spy on him, or have my friends spy on him. I always knew what was going on because people were always quick to let me know anytime he was vaguing about me. “Friends” who were really concerned about the latest thing he said about me, or thought it was just terrible how people were always attacking my ship and wanted to share that feeling with me, but they only shared those thoughts in private. Slowly I separated myself from people who felt the need to keep me updated on drama, or some of them separated themselves from me and became friends with PKD, to the point that either nothing happened for some time or I just stopped seeing it, at least until last fall.

The last time I talked about him publicly was when I wrote about Fem V Friday in Fall 2023. Through the usual chain of vague posting about vague posts, a third person wrote a vague post and cast aspersions on the origin of Fem V Friday, suggesting it was created out of jealousy. PKD helpfully weighed in about a person named “W”  starting FVF from jealousy and spite, and implied he’s seen things I’ve said about him. I’d love to know what I’ve said, the context in which it was said, and the context in which he was told about what I said. 🤷

My post in response didn’t reference the vague post that spurred its creation, nor what PKD said about me, even though PKD must know my intentions and history better than me. I wrote about my love for Fem V and what drove my continued involvement week to week.

Despite my attempts to keep to my own corner or defend my name, PKD continues to defame and harass me. He has repeatedly dragged other people into his drama, sometimes my friends, just as he did in May when he brought up my anon response again. 

It was over two years ago now that I received the anon to “educate” me on Mitch being gay. I have never believed PKD sent the anon, despite his implications, and I have certainly never told anyone that he did.

Two years ago, a coward came into my inbox on anon and tried to bully me, and instead of spending a day writing five thousand words on “death of the author” and what constitutes canon and refuting the argument that I didn’t want to have, I used that energy to write about my ship in my favorite genre (smut) and published a fic on AO3. Neither my fic nor my response on tumblr referenced Mitch being gay or PKD’s ship. Before we go further, I encourage you to watch the relevant clip from the Pawel stream. It’s only 30 seconds of your time, but those 30 seconds are what PKD and others have used to justify their harassment of me.

The transcript for anyone not inclined to watch:

PKD: Am I right to overanalyze every detail in every place like the gay romance novel in Mitch's tent? Is that intentional? Pawel: My friend, on this stream, you could have learned already that everything is intentional...

The “gay romance novel in Mitch’s tent” is 1000 Beats Per Minute, a shard found all across Night City, nay, the continent as the shard/prop can be found in such locations as All Foods just after you meet Dum Dum, the foot of V’s bed in A10, and So Mi’s Brooklyn apartment. 

The contents of the shard are worth reading, if only for recognizing that the narrator is an ungendered person named “Alex” who is experiencing love for a man for the first time. Is Alex a man or a woman or neither? Whoever they are, Alex is having a queer experience, and to insist that the shard can only be about gay men is to erase a lot of other queer experiences.

Back to my anon response, PKD once again called my response transphobic and homophobic, though I will give him credit for saying he wasn’t calling me trans/homophobic, which is an upgrade from previous posts. He claims that I used the smut that I wrote as my response because I referenced writing “the smuttiest pussy eating smut I could”. I said “pussy eating” not in relation to anything about the claim that Mitch is gay, but as response to the intentions of the anon, which were never good.

The full context of my words: 

Not entirely sure what you were trying to accomplish with this message, anon. Should I pack up my words and keyboard and go home? See if it's too late to return my gaming PC because I can't take screenshots of Mitch anymore? Whatever your goal was, you pushed me to write the smuttiest pussy eating smut I could imagine. You know who wins today? - I do, because I wrote a shitload of words in one day and finished a piece that didn't even exist 8hrs ago - people who want more Fem V/Mitch content do - my meat husband does bc damn, I wrote 1800 words of smut today - not you

PKD is claiming that my description of smut I wrote about my ship is trans/homophobic.

The description of the smut I wrote about a cis bisexual female (Val) whose pussy was eaten by her cis bisexual male partner (Mitch). 

The smut I wrote about my ship, in which no one is trans or gay. 

You cannot apply the lens of PKD’s ship and characters to my writing and call it transphobic or homophobic. That’s not how literary analysis works. That’s not how social justice works.

The truth is that PKD and his mutuals/friends used his ship and beliefs to harass me. 

If that were me and it were my beliefs being used to harass someone on anon, I would demand whoever it was to stop immediately, not only because harassing people over fictional characters is awful and wrong, but good lord, to use me as the excuse? I would be mortified! Instead, PKD and his mutuals/followers used it as evidence of my being a bad person, and after several months of that, I borrowed Silvay’s courage when he posted on Twitter, and shared my own experience.

Now that we have the full background, let’s move on to recent drama and address the Flat Chest body and the wearable pecs mod, and what part I played in the process and when. This next part is for motherherbivore. I wish you had talked to me first. I thought I’d rate high enough for a DM. 

A Brief History of The Flat Chest Body Under Curation of Wash

I reached out to Na in March about helping update the Flat Chest body. I specifically wanted to update it to dynamic to take advantage of AXL’s dynamic clothing and, more importantly to me, reduce the number of clothing overrides I had to install for Hilary; plus I wanted to add toggle feet so I could have better options for shoes. Also I had another OC I’d been kicking around in my head, Grem, that I wanted to make using the flat chest. Grem did debut recently, but he changed drastically from my original vision for him.

Sharing the news with Kitty (shared with permission)

I started working on updating the mod in April but got stuck because I didn’t understand resource patching, even though I was sure it would be easy. :hidethepain: I tried adding the feet too, but everything I did resulted in a seam at the calves. As is all too common with my ADHD, I moved onto something else after getting stuck.

As I mentioned I was interested in dynamic AXL, and wanted to update my custom tee framework for Pride. With dynamic AXL, someone could generate all colors with all logos at once! (220, do not try this at home!) I included the dynamic version of the Flat Chest mesh in the upload to Nexus, even though the Flat Chest body wasn’t ready yet, but as a goal for me to also have it done in June.

I had the UV version working in early June, before the Angel body came out. I don’t remember if we already knew about the body’s existence at that point, but the community outcry against yet another unrealistic and fetishistic body mod sustained me in updating a mod that appealed to a small subset of fandom.

The message I sent to Na the morning I got it working

I got the UV version working first, since that’s what Hilary uses, then took a look at toggle feet again. After further investigation using both UV and VTK bodies, I realized there would always be a seam because the bodies were drastically different from the current body; they were completely different meshes underneath, and the seams would never line up properly. 

At that point I decided to release the functioning dynamic version without toggle feet, as I wanted to get it out for Pride. I reached out to mhb to test, as had always been my intention. For me Sanctuary is the most iconic OC to use the Flat Chest. After some technical difficulties I figured out that she used the vanilla version, and came back a few days later with a functioning vanilla version. I released my update once I had assembled the necessary files and pics from the testers, mhb included.

Later when PKD released the refits for his pecs, someone commented that the vanilla refits worked for the Flat Chest body. That’s been my only interest in his pecs mod — because people who use the Flat Chest were interested in having more clothing options. The release of the so-called “Flat Chest Detector” meant that Flat Chest body users wouldn’t be able to use the clothing refit for his wearable pecs, because it required using his pecs, which clipped with tattoos and cyberware — as is expected because it’s not a body mod, as he himself said on the mod page.

As the representative for the Flat Chest body, I agreed when streetkid-named-desire (Rat) asked me to be involved in the conversation with Berdagon about adapting their “Flat Chest” detector to recognize the Flat Chest body. Rat drove this conversation. I don’t say this to dump responsibility on them. In fact, I visited them last weekend and we talked through the situation. I suggested to Rat that I could have urged them to slow down, but they refused to let me take that responsibility, and at the end of the day they’re right — I can only control my own actions.

I do have one regret and one opportunity where I could have acted differently: when Rat asked Berdagon about the original script, Rat very explicitly asked whether the script was commissioned by PKD, and if so, Rat stated they were willing to pay to make changes; Berdagon never answered the question, and I wish I had pushed for an answer. Perhaps that could have prevented the entire situation; we could have stopped right then. While Berdagon never mentioned payment, Rat was so excited by how quickly they implemented the requested changes that they tipped them for the work.

Berdagon, the original script writer, owed PKD the responsibility to check in before modifying something that PKD paid for. Yes, Berdagon does have responsibility here as a professional who took money for a commission. When they didn’t answer the question, I could have stopped the process and pushed for an answer. I would have stopped things immediately upon hearing the answer that the script had been commissioned by PKD. PKD could still have been outraged at Rat asking for changes, but there wouldn’t have been fandom-wide drama about a body that only a dozen people use.

That’s the responsibility I will take — I, as a professional who works with consultants and freelancers, could have taken steps to ensure that everyone was acting professionally, including the person who received money twice to work on the same script.

Because I feel the need to be thorough in my explanation, here’s a simplified timeline of the release of the Flat Chest mod compared to the wearable pecs:

Late March - I receive files from Na for Flat Chest

April - I get stuck, stop working on it

April-May - I figure out dynamic AXL and convert tee framework

June 3 - I have a working dynamic UV Flat Chest

In response to outcry over the Angel body, PKD makes a poll asking what body types people want refits for and excludes Flat Chest body as an option

In response to people commenting over why Flat Chest wasn’t included, PKD explains he won’t support the body and that he would support a different Flat Chest body if someone made it

June 10 - I share the UV version for testing with several people. Two of those people, including mhb, use vanilla. I didn’t realize that, and because I didn’t name the file `UV` it took a long time to troubleshoot why things weren’t working

PKD releases the pecs

I share vanilla for testing

I post Flat Chest 2.0 before the end of June

I didn’t use you, mhb. I asked you to test because, like I said above and on Nexus, Sanctuary is the Flat Chest character for me. I asked you to test because I make mods for my friends first and foremost, and I thought you were my friend. I thought you were my friend because we’d known each other for several years now, and because of shared experiences and conversations we’ve had. I’ve been wrong before about who is a friend, and this one stings a lot.

I’m tired. I am 30 or 40 (or 50) years old and I do not need this. I have a career and a job I love, and an amazing partner who I’ve been with for a third of my life now. I have friends and hobbies in meatspace and friends who share those hobbies, and the real truth is, if I was actually trans/homophobic, well, that number would be tiny, but it’s not. I have a life that I love and that is full of joy. Most people in fandom only know the smallest fraction of the real wash, and I do not take pleasure in being targeted in a public fandom “feud”.

PKD, I say this with all the kindness I can muster for another human being who is clearly hurting: please get help. Go to therapy or see a psychiatrist or use whatever tools you can access. This obsession you have with me and my ship is not healthy for you, and your repeated pattern of bullying has hurt me and people close to me, just as your need to rehash old fandom drama hurts the community.

[lebedame-wegelagerin]

And here, as promised to the dear @vinceaddams come a lot of extant Garments from my recent Visit at the German National Museum in Nuremberg. I am trying to give as much Information about each Picture as I can though unfortunately not all of the Pictures were taken by me and I could take Pictures as extensively (including Info Signs) as I would have wanted, lest I be abandoned in the Clothing Section. Also the whole Section was awfully dim, which made it rather difficult to read some of the Signs. The last three Pictures were taken in a different Section, thus the more pleasant Lighting.

Servant Livery, bavarian Court, mid 19th Century (left); Servant of the Count of Cannotreadhisname, first half 19th Century (right)

Woman's Folkdress, Lötschental/Wallis (Switzerland), Museum dates it 1830/1905 which is an awfully broad Range, but maybe it was altered later; shows wonderfully how late 18th Century Styles were preserved in european Folkdress that came to be in the 19th Century proper

Various Men's Garments throughout the 18th Century, as there are Closeups of each, the respective Detailinformation will be provided further down.

Men's Spencer, c. 1810s-1820s, Linen and Cotton, the Sign didn't say it explicitely but due to it's Placement in the Exhibition and comparable other Pieces I have seen, I think this is more of a common Man's Piece of Clothing.

Three Men's Shirts, various Shoebuckles, a cocked Hat, a Periwig and what I assume to be a Hair Bag. This Display Case had a rather badly illuminated Sign, so sadly I have no further Details about the Pieces.

Justeaucorps, c. 1695, Wool, Silk, Metal Trim.

Waistcoat, c. 1695, Silk, according to the Museum it was worn together with the Justeaucorps, which seems to be a nice Colour-Combination.

Breeches, 1790-1800, Silk. Very pretty Pair, but the bad Lighting doesn't really let it show.

Habit à la francaise, c. 1790, Wool, Silk, Embroidery (What a Material Specification...). I really like the Combination of those subtle dark on dark Stripes and the Embroidery.

Tailcoat, c. 1790/1795, Cotton, Silk, Linen, really peak 1790s Look honestly.

Very wide Court Panniers, with Pocket Hoops and Crinoline in the Background. Alas no Detail Information for this and the next two Pictures.

Frontal View of the Pannier. I suppose I have to get one of those at some Point, if only for how extra they are.

Three Pairs of Stays, two from the Front, one from the Back. Sadly I don't feel confident enough to Date those and I have no Pictures showing the Info Signs well enough.

Lots of pretty Dresses that were exhibited in another Section of the Museum. The right one is a Robe à l'Anglaise, but that's all I can tell.

Another beautiful Anglaise, notable for being preserved in its Entirety with original Ruffles.

More pretty Dresses. Unfortunately due to Time Reasons I have no Pictures of the Suits displayed across the Dresses in the U-shaped Display, though I have to say one of them had a very much not authentic Lacebib hanging from the Neck...

That's all the cool Clothing Pics I have, at some Point I will return and take loooots more Pictures from all the Angles too. Also at some Point I might write to the Museum about the Lighting, there surely is a better Solution when having your Objects barely visible with unreadable Signs while still protecting them from UV-Rays.

Bonus-Pic 1:

Me, in historical Dress, c. 1750 (minus the Shoes), standing in a historical Kitchen.

Bonus-Pic 2, for the Boat-Crowd:

Beautifully detailed Modell Sailing Ship, early to mid 17th Century if I remember correctly. Interestingly enough all the little Sailor Figurines on it were very much early 19th Century in Style, so I assume the previous owner had those added at some Point, before the Museum acquired the Model in the late 19th Century. (The Incongruence sadly wasn't addressed on the Info Sign, so I might contact them about this too.)

[juno-stuffs]

so my hand slipped and while it did it made me search every nook and cranny of the epic fandom for every single existing wlw ship i could find and made me draw three so far + my ramblings

-- circe x penelope (cirpen/cirlope) (i personally prefer 'cirlope' but that's just me :])

was gonna put this in the "technically doesn't count" section since i first saw this ship with circe the book and not epic. but then i saw an epic version of this ship on tiktok so...fuck it we ball.

i luh luh love this ship in circe (the book). in epic, it's cool. i think they'd be a good duo, romantic or not tbh. also, if you read circe the book and ship penelope and circe in that book, go to ao3 and read the circe and penelope fics. i dunno why, but the writers in that scene are like sappho reencarnates? i dunno, they're great.

(also penelope had more sexual tension with circe than telemachus did in that book fight me /not srs)

-- circe x scylla

BOO!! TOXIC YURI JUMPSCARE! /silly

not the biggest fan of toxic yuri, which is pretty much this ship, but i felt very inclined to include these two. i don't have much to say about them, though, they're just neato. (btw you'll see these two again but with a plus one.) like with circe and pen, there were fics of them on ao3, but only two. if you do want to read them, i suggest only reading one if you aren't into freaky things. because one is normal and the other is like if circe got in on the manwhore au but like worse even by the mw au standards so...yeah. not for the squeamish.

also, if you saw my other scylla doodles, i made scylla's hair more wavy since she was looking a little too much like penelope. also gave her scales n shit so. good for her.

tbh i don't like drawing characters with long black hair, especially straight long black hair since i used to have that type of hair and every time i drew a character with that hair people would go: 'oh is that you' NO. SHUT UP. NO IT'S NOT.

but it's okay because i shaved my head and now i'm bald.

-- athena x penelope (bro i don fukin kno)(penna? that's just a name)(a name that gives marker brand but whatever)(athelope sounds like/looks like someone tried to say/spell antelope and fucked up)

a little break from circe. i love my girl circe but damn bitch, don't gotta collect all of them. you in epic, not pokemon. circe is in like 90% of these (i'm not fact checking that). probably since she is the female character with the most screen time, save for athena. even so, not only is circe more appealing to the sapphic gaze, she is easy to put in a wlw setting whereas athena is difficult to put in a romantic setting period. but when athena is, it's typically with a woman, so

found this one in an odysseus x tiresias fanfic on ao3

...

anygays. yeah, they can weave together and shit. penelope would love owls imo but maybe that's just me.

also they're both kind of gray themed characters? eh, actually, i dunno, penelope just gives gray but, again, that might just be me.

if we wanna get into odyssey (which tbh i don't really wanna do since I prefer separating epic and odyssey), athena blessed penelope with sleep often, which is sweet. she also did that to odysseus but this ain't about him right now.

i have a little more but i was too lazy to take a pic of it so. i didn't.

anywompwomp, more to come. (also if you have any wlw epic ships, crackship or not, maybe one of the characters aren't even in epic, send an ask and i'll probably doodle it too :])

[clonerightsagenda]

hi, you know a lot of space facts and i thought if anyone knew this it might be you: do you know if anyone has kissed in space before?

This one gets a possibly/likely from me!

The most likely candidates would be Mark Lee and Jan Davis, astronauts who got married in secret before going up on the same space shuttle mission. They didn't tell NASA until right before the flight that they'd gotten married, and NASA was not happy - there was already an unofficial policy against couples on the same flight, which became official after this incident. However, it was too late to train new astronauts, so they got to go.

A quick spin around the web did not turn up any official kiss pics, as that would likely tweak NASA's tail more. It's possible they did, though - although the space shuttle is not huge, and I'm not sure whether they were still keeping it a secret from the rest of the crew. Between discretion, professionalism (astronauts work very hard to get where they are, and they're often scheduled down to the minute! You would not want to hurt your chances of a future mission by annoying your crew and NASA. Plus, women in particular have had a long fight to prove themselves equal to male astronauts and overcome jokes that they've just been shipped up to space as comfort objects, so they wouldn't want to lean into it) and finally that everyone in space is super gross, I doubt any clandestine pecks would go very far. That being said, I am not the best person to ask whether the average human would decide "eh, worth it".

I know less about cosmonatus and taikonauts so IDK if there are any likely candidates there. Also if any couples have gone up on space tourism flights, that's possible. But do tourists even count

[neddea]

Polaroid Go tips and tricks - I really love this camera!

This is basically the post I wish I had read before and after I bought the Polaroid Go. I haven’t been able to find much info on tips and tricks, so I’m gonna share what I’ve learned, also with the intention of getting some feedback and hopefully more knowledge from the community 🙏🏻 Also, beware of the long post, I guess!

(NOTE: This is about the 2nd Gen Go, idk anything about the 1st Gen version).

The reasons I bought the Go instead of any other Instax or Polaroid camera:

☑️Analog camera instead of digital (I wasn’t sure about many other instant cameras). I wanted to restrict myself and not even have a screen to be able to tweak things or choose which picture I wanted to print. The goal for me was to learn photography in itself by using the “simplest” tools. If the picture turns out well, it’s because I’ve understood how to use the tools and how to get the most out of them (and sometimes I’m just lucky, let’s be honest!)

☑️Easy to carry around. I have ADHD, so I know that I will never do something if it feels like a bit too much work to get started on (for example, taking pictures outside if carrying it is a hassle). The Go was by far the best one in that sense.

☑️The film is cheaper than the other Polaroid films (at least that I’m aware of). This is huuuge for me, since I wanted to take as many pics as I could and not feel as bad if I “wasted” film with experiments and trials. Still not as affordable as Instax film though, but closer than other types.

☑️It has filters. I know, this might seem like a dumb reason, but I really wanted to get into this hobby because I wanted to relearn photography and go back to that feeling of physicality that used to inspire me back in college. I wanted to experiment with cellophane paper and with the chemistry of the film itself and whatever idea came to mind, and the filters added to that goal. Some instax cameras have unofficial filters, but they didn’t seem as… sturdy? Properly made? Idk, looks deceive and they could be great for all I know (if anyone has experience with them let me know, I’m curious!)

☑️Double exposure and flash On/Off options. Two other huge reasons why I chose this camera! For the same reasons as the one before: I wanted to experiment and be able to control the tool to take the pros and cons to the extreme.

☑️Accessories to carry it around and keep it safe (although I have things to say about some incompatibility issues).

That being said, things I don’t like as much:

🔻Can’t control exposure times and diaphragm aperture (sorry if the terms are incorrect, English is not my mother tongue and I learned the basics in Spanish). There are only two options and they’re automatic, so it’s a bit difficult to get it right. You can half press the shutter button to lock focus distance and light sensitivity though, but I haven’t mastered it quite yet.

🔻Polaroid film is not the most stable (I find it difficult to put this as a downside, I’m actually quite happy and even grateful that it works like this to the point that I count it as an extra tool and a huge part of the artistic process. Then again, sometimes you want things to work as you planned, so I’m guessing this can be a bad thing for many people).

🔻The film is still expensive, especially if you add shipping expenses. There aren’t nearly as many options as with other Polaroid cameras, the only available editions are the white frame and the black frame. I’d love to be able to use the peach frame, or a monochrome film, or the Bowie edition… but it seems like Polaroid doesn’t pamper the Go as much as its siblings

🔻Pictures tend to not be as sharp as the bigger films or it’s harder to get them right.

🔻Too much contrast between shadows and lights.

All in all, I’m really, really happy with it! I think it was the perfect choice for me, and I’m sad to see it isn’t as loved in the community (I’ve read though that the 1st gen wasn’t great, so that might be one of the reasons).

I also wanted to share my tips and tricks for different things!

🔳Double exposure: I'm still figuring things out, but so far my best takes have been in total darkness with very intense and direct light sources (a phone's flash directed to the camera, for example). For anyone who has never tried or doesn't know how this works: think of photography as painting with light on a black canvas. Total darkness means total lack of light, so you're not painting anything, right? This is especially useful for double exposure, which basically means taking two pictures in one. If you have absolute darkness with one small source of light and you take the first exposure, you still have plenty of "blank" canvas left, so the second exposure's lightened parts are gonna superimpose over the darkness of the first one. For example, in the first pic below the first take was for the two lines and circle (with the blue filter) and the second was for my friends' portraits (with a yellow filter). Play around with the shadows and lights, you can for example give some texture to the shadows of an otherwise well lit figure. For this reason I don't recommend using the flash, but hey, there's probably a good way to use both!

⚠️BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE TO IT. You wish you could take more than two exposures?? YOU ACTUALLY CAN. I just discovered this and I'm over the moon: double tap the flash button to turn on the double exposure mode, take the first one, turn the camera off; turn it on again, double tap for double exposure, AND THERE YOU GO, you are gonna take three exposures now. Do this ad infinitum if you want to (probably not the best idea for the film though). I'm so happy about this, you have no idea.

🔳Filters: I’m still getting used to them so I might be wrong, but generally speaking they reduce contrast. Pure blacks and whites will still be there if it's a well lit place, but you get more details on parts that would be otherwise slightly overexposed, and the middle tones don't get as dark. I also have a feeling that the flash works wonders on closer shots, tinting that plane more strongly with the filter, but as the flash reach fades into the background, the filter is not as visible (again, I'm basing this in just one picture that looks like that, I'll have to do more research). Another rule of thumb: yellow is the lightest color and blue is the darkest, so use them wisely. The blue filter is probably going to make the shot look a bit darker, and the yellow one might make it look too bright. I want to hear how anyone else feels about them, I might be completely on the wrong track with these!

🔳Incompatibilities between accessories: This one is annoying. I bought all together the hard case, the silicone skin, the travelling bag, the mini album, the wrist band, the bigger band and the filters. The main issue is the silicone skin, since if used the camera doesn't fit inside the hard case, AND you cannot add the filters to the camera because there's no window for it. I had to cut the frontal part of the skin so I could fit the filters, which is not ideal. I don't know how Polaroid has overlooked this particular thing, but yeah, be aware of that. The bands and the mini album have a ring with a clamp that allows you to attach them to each other or to other bags pretty easily.

🔳Using the countdown to get sharper pics. If your pulse is as unstable as mine and you're shooting a picture under dim lighting circumstances, I'd advise you to use the countdown tool to avoid any blurriness and shakiness. At least for me, when I click the shutter button I end up moving the camera slightly, which has slightly ruined some pics (this is not just Polaroid, it's just a general photography thing, but heavier cameras are not as sensitive to movement, I think. Physics, idk). So to avoid that, I just press the flash button for several seconds until a LED light lights up on the front of the camera. When you press the shutter, it counts down to 9, I think, and then takes the pic.

🔳Film temperature and development: Listen. Some people might complain about this, but I actually see it as another tool to take the shots that I want. I feel it's more impressionist-like than any other kind of photography, since it captures not just what the eye can see: it also kinda captures the impression and feeling of the moment. I've taken several pictures of my hometown, and it was around freezing temps outside, so when I took the first pic of course the shadows came off looking blueish and greenish, and they didn't get too dark at all. At first I was confused and a bit disappointed, but after two or three more shots I was ecstatic about it. It reminded me of the blueish greys Monet used in his paintings. I made some experimentation with the amount of time the pics developed in the cold and it's just so much fun. So yeah, id say use it in your favour! Remember to keep it close to the body in the cold to avoid it, and maybe some insulated pockets for the heat (Polaroid sells a bag for the camera with one such pocket, but I feel it doesn't work too well against the cold, would have to try in hotter temps). ALSO, sometimes it will take several days for the shadows to get as strong as they'll get! Especially if the pic developed in cold temps.

🔳Let entropy be part of it. Just experiment with the camera. Take lots of double exposure pics to try specific things without wasting as much film. Remember: sometimes the pics won't come out as perfect as you'd like, but often enough the reason might be something you might have done wrong; other times, it's just bad luck with the film or something else. Sometimes those imperfections add to the feeling of the picture. And sometimes you half-assedly take a shot and it turns out to be especially interesting. It can feel like every pic is a conversation between you and the camera (as cheesy as this might sound), and some things that you find compelling the camera might not be too thrilled about; sometimes you can convince it, and sometimes it shows you the beauty of something you didn't pay too much attention to. Take all of the pictures as learning opportunities, adapt to the tools you have. This camera can be really good for what it is, but it has its own personality (and so does the film), and sometimes it takes a while to warm up to new people, right? (Instead I feel like I just found my new best friend right off the bat LMAO)

🔳Finally, Polaroid's app isn't necessarily created for the Go, since it doesn't have any Bluetooth tools, but it does help with scanning. I'd recommend giving it a Go (pun intended), since it already crops and fixes the perspective of the image to show just the frame and photo. I normally have to edit it so that it looks a bit closer to the physical picture, but that's just me going the extra mile.

I think that's it! I'm still thinking about how to store or showcase the pictures in a nice way, do you guys have any ideas? How do you do it? I'm also saving all the used film cartridges (is that the right word?), I don't know what for but I want to do something with them! I've seen people displaying pictures in them though... Any ideas?

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk (I’m so sorry for this stupidly long post)

[the-dreamy-horrors-symphony]

INTRODUCTION/PINNED POST!!

Intro pics with how we imagine ourselves:

These intro pics are slightly outdated! I am angelkin and demonkin, Emerald is alienkin, and ChuChi is demonkin! - Kofubi 🥬

above might as well be a list of all of our fictives

Emily's long-ass kin list: Cosmickin, vampirekin, wolf, bird, unicorn, fairykin, fallen angelkin, robotkin, demonkin, cat, red stag, dolphin, an old self-insert OC with the same name, ESMP1 Jimmy, ESMP1 Fwhip, Stardust cookie, and lssmp Zam!

This entire post is made by Kofubi!

We, as a collective, enjoy weirdcore/dreamcore/kidcore, horror, and music!

We still do not know how we were formed!

As for roles, so far, I (Kofubi) am the protector! And I don't know if host counts as a role, but if it does, then Emily is the host!

DNI ANTI-KIN, ANTI-ENDO, ANTI-SHIP, PROSHIP, ANTI-PLURAL, ABLEISTS, TRANSPHOBES, HOMOPHOBES, SEXISTS, SPECIEISTS, AND RACISTS!!!

Emily will make you a moodboard if you ask, she is the host! - Kofubi 🥬

Note from Emily 🐬: The most recent headmates are our two OCtives

Okay fuck wait there's sixty of us now

Second note from Emily: DISREGARD THIS POST IT'S OUTDATED AND WE'RE ALL TOO TIRED TO UPDATE IT

[alexiavettel]

chapter five

"The world was whole then, the sun and the moon together as one"

pairing: charles leclerc x fem!stroll¡reader

word count: 1.7k+

warnings: explicit language, i might’ve accidentally attracted Aston Martin’s good car this year (i wrote this feb 22nd), use of y/n and obviously Charles and reader acting like childs

disclaimer: any photo used is not supposed to represent the reader, are all Pinterest pics that match the context

<<< previous part

Y/n Stroll POV:

March 20th, 2022

Bahrain, Sakhir- first race

After the pre-season testing in Barcelona, that one pic of me with Charles blew up, we are already getting used to the questions about our “relationship”. We got closer after that day in the parking lot, not like best friends but I think I know him better now.

In the two next press conferences, we got paired up together and I was able to calm him down. Everyone noticed, our teams, the public and most important: the sponsors. I am not like his therapist but I can cut him whenever he’s going to fuck up, let’s just say that years of bickering made me used to him being a dick.

Yesterday Ferrari and Aston Martin posted the same video of us taking ice baths together after the quali. Long story short everyone is shipping us, maybe a little too much in my opinion but that’s good for us. Big part of the public tend to forget things pretty easily, like all the records of our F2 days, F3 and even karting pics that let our rivalry very clear. But for some fans it’s just a cute little love story of childhood rivals to lovers, and we are counting everyone believe in this version.

“I am your trainer not your therapist Y/n. Stop thinking loud and focus on the massage!” Derek interrupted my line of thought.

“Don’t be a pussy, man!”

“What? Are you too busy thinking about your boyfriend that you can’t focus on the race?” This little bitch…

“Are you trying to provoke me?”

“Depends, is it working?”

“No ‘cause I guessed your plan first, but why mate?”

“You might not like what I am about to say, but you look too focused on this marketing, business or whatever this shit of a deal is. Like more than in your training or the car performance and I’m worried about you… I know how mad you get when you can’t get the best out of the car”

“Let’s see it”

•

“The pre-season testing proved to be right! Aston Martin is flying! With Stroll in P4 and Vettel in P3. That’s an incredible result for the team. I have to admit Crofty, I am really surprised”

“It doesn’t really surprise me, Martin. Their data were actually good before the season, what really amazes me it’s that incredible maneuver Y/n is doing to overtake her teammate four times world champion Sebastian Vettel in this curve!”

“What a move she pulled out there!” 

“Do you think she can get the pace to use the DRS in Sainz?”

“Considering there’s only 7 laps left I think she can get to him but don’t overtake with those used mediums”

“I agree, and for the record, who is your driver of the day, my dear Crofty?”

“I got to go with Stroll, what an incredible performance. Coming from P15 after the penalty and crawling her way to the podium. The second in her career, by the way!”

“I’m gonna go with Leclerc who even starting from pole had to do an incredible undercut in Verstappen some laps ago. Ferrari’s pits stops and strategies, Leclerc and Sainz deserve this 1-2” 

“Little off topic but since we chose them, have you heard the rumours?”

“About them dating? I don’t know man, I usually don’t care about driver’s life out of the paddock but if it’s true that can influence on the track…”

“Yeah that’s exactly what worries me, Stroll is probably going to have her best year in that car and dating a driver could distract her-“

“And could distract Leclerc as well, he’s trying to be a world champ this year. I don’t know if I could focus on being a champion worrying about my girlfriend in the car ahead or behind me”

“Let’s hope everything goes fine, isn’t it? I always liked their dynamic tho, the rivalry and partnership in F2 were incredible!”

“True I forgot about that! But I honestly think they are not together, probably just got closer in the season break”

“I agree mate. And look! Just what we were talking about before, the last lap ahead of us and the podium is defined: Leclerc, Sainz and Stroll!”

“Wow, Ferrari starting the season with an amazing 1-2! ‘Didn’t expect Aston Martin to be that good! Stroll in P3 with the fastest lap and Vettel in P4! A shame for Red Bull with that double DNF but good for Mercedes with Hamilton in P5 and his new teammate Russell in P6! The pointing zone being completed by: Bottas in P7, Ocon P8, Alonso in P9 and Magnussen are getting their first points this year! This season will be absolute fire!”

•

“What an incredible drive you did today, Y/n! Congrats! I’m absolutely impressed with your performance and the car! How does it feel being back on the podium?”

“Hi guys, hey Ted” the audience erupted in cheers “I don’t have much words to describe how happy I am to be back at the podium. I’m very proud of our car, and being able to see the results after all the hard work is an amazing feeling!”

“‘Have to ask you, do you feel confident about a win this season?”

“Absolutely, I don’t think this is pure luck. There’s plenty of effort in it so we are all looking up for a win and even maybe a championship battle who knows! So yeah, a win for me or for Seb would be really welcome”

“Thank you so much for your time, and that was Y/n Stroll ladies and gentlemen!”

•

“You were amazing today, Stroll. S’such a pleasure being the one to tell you that you are the driver of the day!”

“Wow, I honestly didn’t expect this. Thanks y’all for the votes, it was a really challenging race after starting in P15”

“You did an awesome quali yesterday but got a 10-place grid penalty for changing a power unit, right?”

“Yeah, and still unbelievable I got P3 in the end”

•

Geez what a feeling! But I finally can get at least 2 minutes for myself, my cheeks even hurt from smiling too much. Everything just- No fucking way, my mobile started ringing. I really didn’t want to get up but thank god I did. “Mike Krack” was written on the screen.

“Mike, is everything good?” 

“Hi, yeah everything’s good. And beforehand I know how tired you must be but I need you to do something for me, girl”

“You say like I have a choice how cute” poor Mike but I’m definitely not in the mood right now.

“Sorry Stroll but it’s about that thing. Your managers suggested you both going home in the same car and plane, just like a cute little couple in love”

“Ew don’t say it like this”

“Sorry” he giggled “But yes, why don’t you try it? Would make even more believable after that hug”

Yeah, about that…

I get out of the car and do a little dance (which I will probably regret later) but I don’t even have time to think after jumping to the ground since a red flash came running towards me and hugs my waist taking me off the ground.

I took longer than I should to recognise the “red flash”, but when I felt the smell of white peach and orange blossom I knew right away it was Leclerc.

His perfume had been impregnated in my clothes lately after having to hug each other all the time in public, so when we pulled away from the hug I already knew who it was.

“You did so well!” He opens his helmet’s visor 

“Thanks, you too! You got p1 Leclerc!” He opens my visor this time, holding the sides of my helmet and looking into my eyes, smiling. The way he looks right into them is like he searches a reason to be doing it, or like he knows something I don't, or like he sees the future in my pupils.

“But just to be clear, I hated to hear about you pressing in Sainz over the radio” the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles is actually cute, and the colour of them look like the Mediterranean Sea with a bit of sand depending the way the sun shined on them is so interesting

“Just doing my job, baby” and then Sainz came over to hug us both and talk about the race going to the cooldown room.

“‘M gonna meet him in some minutes. And we are not going to talk about that hug okay?” I told him while sending the said Ferrari driver a message

“Sure sweetheart” he laughs loudly

“Bye Mike, I hate you” call ended and some mental health back

•

“Hey, pretty girl!” I heard as I entered the jet

“Hi Lo” I hugged Lorenzo 

“He’s in a pretty good mood, try not to fight today will you?” he whispered in my ear smiling.

“I’ll try” what an irony, the only seat available is beside Leclerc, but at least Sainz is seated in front of me.

“Wow look who it is! ‘m gonna have nightmares with the front of your car, honey”

“Well, hope you’ll have nightmares with the back of it in the future, honey”

“DAMN! She got you now, mate!” Leclerc finally said something since we met in the parking lot

“Darn it girl, you gave me a hard time, for real. What did your team do to get your car so good? Tell me”

“Magicians never reveal their secrets, dear Carlos”

“I wouldn't be surprised if Toto or Horner start to suspect Aston of cheating next race”

“You talk like Binoto wouldn’t do it too-”

“You’re such a buzzkiler, you know that right?” Leclerc interrupted me as per usual.

“‘m not even talking to you, golden boy”

“By the way why are you here, Stroll?” Sainz asked while untangling his charger cable.

“You told him about-” I ask Leclerc

“Yep obviously”

“About being the cutest couple not couple of the paddock? Yes, he told me and I loved every single part of it” Sainz said smirking and I swear it took all of me to not smack this smirk out of his face.

“So that’s your answer right there, we need to act like a couple. But I hope this doesn’t fall into routine, I like to go back with my dad…”

“So classic coming from the daddy’s girl” he gags at the term

“I’m not even gonna answer you, Leclerc. You make me tired, and I’m too happy to waste my time with you. Good night Lo, good night Sainz!

“You know it’s just a two hours flight to Jeddah, right sleepyhead?” he pokes my forehead annoyingly 

“And good night Leclerc”

@laura-naruto-fan1998 @honeyric3 @tempo-rary-fix hope you enjoyed <3

my taglist!!

[fandomsbyladymelodrama]

No pressure on this, but I wanted to ask if you'd like to tell me about one of/some of your favorite Christy scenes, and the things you like most about it/them? I can't singlehandedly revive the fandom on here, but it's such a joy to talk over this show with other fans!

I didn't realize until recently how thoroughly the Neil/Christy relationship informed my romantic preferences in all the media and writing I've done since watching it in my teens. Older, scholarly man/younger, determined woman, some kind of angst in the man's past, a need to change things for the better as an intrinsic part of the woman's character, a taboo element that stands in the way of the relationship... Even in the slash pairings I love so much, there's still so many elements of it!

Hey filmmakers, don't think we don't notice that you frame these two with Christy on a step/incline half the time to de-emphasize the height difference...

Oh my, oh my. Okay, first, let's be real. I've been waiting for an ask like this since 1994 (baby Tumblr wasn't even born yet 😂) so get ready for some major Neil/Christy feels that I've been suppressing but also diligently-tending-in-the-background for 30+/- years. THEY. ARE. PERFECT. Top-shelf OTP bottle, for sure. You understand, right? Of course, you do. We've discussed. But yeah, I feel the same way about this show/book/pairing influencing and informing both my writing style and romantic preferences in fiction over the years. Happy to admit it. Yes *raises hand* 1000 times yes. Hello, my name is ladymelodrama, and the fact that CBS so cruelly stole resolution for Neil/Christy from us forever (I'm not counting the PAX movies, I'm just not) is a crime against good television everywhere and will haunt my Christy-loving bones until I'm dead and buried in the ground deep enough so's the critter's can't find me, as Little Burl or Creed Allen would say. Anyway, you asked about Neil and Christy and favorite moments and since I can't just pick one...

I have a proposition to make :) Let's trade fave moments until we run out of them, maybe? No pressure, of course, but this is me mostly unwilling to commit to my Top 5 Scenes until I finish my rewatch, and even then I'll probably change my mind a couple times 😂 But here's one that I'll discuss in detail today and which I like to call the "Will This Do?" scene aka "and then they both smiled their little smiles at each other and lived happily ever after. The end." <3

(Credit to @heatherfield for this gif, and bless you, friend, for continuously shipping the same pairings as me - makes my gif-hunting so much easier haha <3)

So why do I love this scene so much? Oh, you know. Margret's dress. Objectively, it's gorgeous (the woman had style, even if she had no heart). And hey, it only coded Neil/Christy as endgame from the first episode, no big deal. Plus it was one of the softest moments in the whole show and THE WAY THEY SMILED AT EACH OTHER. Ugh. Soffffffft. I'm mean, you're seeing this too, right? ;) Meanwhile, I'm sure David is over here in the corner...doing what David does best XD Lurking. Always lurking.

(and, based on the pic I chose, maybe taking notes on how to have better chemistry with Christy? - "Dear Diary, Neil MacNeill is kinda the worst, have I mentioned?" 😂) But in all seriousness, what I love about that scene (and the exchange of smiles, in particular) is how there's an honest-to-goodness, my-spirit-just-spoke-to-your-spirit bit of humanity happening there. I die for those moments, little and quiet as they may be. It's just so...SOFT. They don't know each other yet. Not really. There's no romance at play (other than what I assume might be mutual physical attraction, even if Christy would never let herself go there. Not on her first days in the Cove) so it's more a budding friendship that we're seeing and friends-to-lovers is one of my favorite things? (Jorleesi, Jisbon, Siegfried/Audrey, Obidala, Red Cricket, Dickon/Mary much?). I also really enjoy when she comes down the stairs looking all pretty-in-lavender with her hair down (still lolling at your comment on that detail btw because...c'est vrai 😂) and "Oh no, David, it's so late...how will we ever get to Lufty Branch in time?" "Not we, Christy." (exactly, David, you're getting it). Too bad she has to spend all afternoon in this rustic cabin with a plaid-shirted, barrel-chested, brogue-speaking, moody mountain man with inside pain for dayssssss. Oh the everlasting horror XD

So yeah, so much to love about this scene (and the entire convo in the cabin afterwards and him plucking her from Theo prior to the whole dress thing - guy helps girl down from horse = I'm in love 😍). To witness the very beginning of their arc (okay, Part II of the beginning, but the doctor was busy with brain surgery during Part I, so you know what I mean) and to have the actors play it so, so beautifully and in an Appalachian setting that's just misty and magical and to die for all by itself... Mmmm *chef's kiss* Your turn, @darsynia <3

[dearweirdme]

On one hand, jk is heavily implying that he sees and knows more about what goes on in socials than people think he does and then on the other hand, he stays setting tae up? Telling him to get lost and acting like his presence alone is interrupting a serious conversation about music--- then when the switch up comes it's not about how Tae might contribute to discussing the music, it's once again about his looks and how either his visuals or shippers will bump up the view count, and ppl can pretend otherwise but his energy towards tae was real low in that ep.

It's getting exhausting trying to make excuses for this shit now 🙄 he pulled this shit with vmin the other day too---like he was too busy with 'serious business' to be bothered by them.

And yeah he validated the snowboarding trip but still couldn't help but set Tae up for his sad solos to call him a bad friend and question Taekook.

And all the pics you're all FFFFFF over are JK basking in the attention and affection but not really giving shit in return.

He gives the bare minimum, like a bit of dancing to a song, while tae is openly glowing about and praising his stuff and y'all are like 'oh, he's been busy' like tae has been on the sofa all day watching TV or something and has all the time in the world to devote to jk--like he doesn't just make time for him and jk couldn't do the same in reverse if he wanted to. He has time to do all those lives trying to convince delulus that he's singing about them in Seven but not to hype tae's stuff without being asked to by fans?

You can call me an anti or hater or a joker if you want but I'm not. I'm a taekook shipper too who is just fed up of seeing Tae giving all that energy and it not being matched and even not being appreciated. These guys are not approaching each other on the same level and you all know it because you keep making all these excuses for it; about how it's just jk just being to shy and cautious and tae being too bold and impulsive, when all its really covering for is a lack of respect and consideration and a sense of dismissiveness undermining and even passive aggressiveness towards someone who is, at best, supposed to be his boyfriend and at worst, supposed to be his best friend.

Haters out for tae's blood are having a field day with the chum that jk keeps throwing in the water for them so he's either dumb and doesnt think about the shit he does and says or he just doesn't care that tae keeps taking the heat for it.

I want this ship to be real and I still do think its real but he needs to course correct because right now, he's barely managing to pass 'supportive friend' nevermind 'supportive boyfriend'

It's giving 'tae deserves better' on both fronts.

Hi anon!

I don’t actually think the term Taekook shipper applies to you. Because in essence ‘shipping’ means you like the two persons together and you feel they would make a nice pair. You don’t actually think they make a nice pair, because you don’t feel Jk treats Tae well. Leaving aside that you are imo very wrong in interpreting the way Jk reacts to Tae.. seriously like.. how do you not see ���.

I’m seriously not going to go into how I disagree with your take on Jk. In my opinion you just don’t understand or get him.

Wanting a ship to be real isn’t the point. It’s either real or not, our wanting has nothing to do with it. I think you are a Taekook believer, but not so much a Taekook shipper (anymore). Maybe your ideas about what a relationship should look like differ from what you see, but realize that we will never get to see them as actual boyfriends.

[fourseasonsfigs]

Harper's Bazaar Game

I have enough Bazaar figs at this point to fill up more than one fig stand - but I'm still happy to get more. With any luck, I might manage to put together the whole shoot at this rate!

The inspiration for this fig set are these pictures from the official Harper's Bazaar x 山河令 issue:

And since the photos aren't quite enough, here's one of the official videos, featuring our favorite extremely charged weiqi game:

The scene with the crossed arms is at 1.08.

I do feel you need a pic with the full body outfits for fig comparison pics, so let me rustle up another one...

Didn't mind going back to this pic one bit! In fact, the less frequently posted but just as good second pic in this set...

We deserve it! Side note...I do NOT have a fig set of this scene yet, which seems like a grave oversight. That's all. I'm just saying. Please and thank you fig makers!

These two arrived safely in their polystyrene boxes. I have to say at this point, I'm pretty sold on these boxes as a protection mechanism - I've had extremely good look with them. I used to air bubble wrap everything, but these days I don't, which not only dramatically reduces the shipping volume, therefore saving me expensive ship costs, but dramatically increases my will to live when staring down huge boxes of solidly taped shut bubble wrap.

Here's a close up of these figs - please note the Zhehan socks and woven leather shoes combo and Gong Jun's big stompy boots, I love them.

Here's their benches too. The benches are nice and stable, no wobbles here.

And here they are! Look at those FACES. You know how much I love that sideways smile! This is the fig maker that always does the beauty marks on the ears too, which is always a nice touch.

These are just too perfect. I like the poses quite a bit, with Zhehan's hand on the bench and Junjun's on his knee.

Those are some shorter shorts there, gentlemen. I'd say they were at least mid-thigh length.

I ended up gluing them down as they didn't balance at all on the seats. I have learned (the hard way!) that fig stickers only work if the figs are pretty perfectly balanced to begin with.

This is time for my obligatory comment on how much I love Zhehan's hair in this style. Just amazing, my all time favorite.

You can see how the chairs are quite stable here - all four legs on the ground for each one!

I'm so happy these delicate pieces survived shipping intact!

This is a nice shot of Zhehan's curling-up smile.

And we're back around! What cuties. The fig maker did such a nice job with these - the eyes and expressions are just top notch.

I feel like the fig makers have really dialed in the process at this point! We get such good quality and such good detail.

Nice and flat undersides here, so they sit firmly in the chairs - at least once they have a little bit of glue.

Their feet are even posed differently (and cutely!) no replication of body types here.

I'll say once again how much I love Zhehan's hand on the bench. Adorable.

One last shot of them posing in their picture shot - I guess I should have scooted them in a little bit more so their wrists would have crossed!

Our very beautiful fig cards.

Material: Resin

Fig Count: 462

Scene Count: 31 (I already used this little scene before!)

Rating: Our favorite game

[link back to Master Fig Index for more posts]

[mlm-writer]

Synonyms for Penis (Shrek x Deadpool)

Pairing:  Shrek x Wade Wilson aka Deadpool Rating: Explicit Words: 1361 POV: Third Summary: The Big Tober Day 28 - Annual Shrek fic Note: DID NOT EVEN PROOFREAD THIS BECAUSE I DO NOT WISH TO READ THIS AFTER WRITING IT (Pic credit I am so glad someone else had the same idea) Tags: Shrek's [insert synonym for big] [insert synonym for penis], satire (or is it), 4th wall breaks, there is a little angst at the beginning for some reason, belly bulge, manhandling, unprotected sex, he growls uwu and cumflation

“Don’t you think it is… odd?” Shrek questioned as Wade pushed him into the armchair. The light from the fireplace made the merch seem like just a silhouette as the red-clad fool made himself at home in the ogre’s lap. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Wade cooed, before grinding all over his green companion. “Why would anyone want this? Who wants Shrek smut and who would ship a sexy, sturdy man with a green daddy? Well, let me tell you, papi, sometimes it is irony that drives the mind, but there is no telling when irony becomes something more.” Shrek had no fucking clue what Wade was on about. His facial expression said it all, but as per usual, Wade paid it no mind. 

Wade nuzzled Shrek's muscular neck. Shrek could feel the rough material of the mask against his sensitive skin. This was not their first time, but Shrek also felt like they had not swapped enough bodily fluids that it was his place to question the mask. He had seen every other part of his friend and he thought it was safe to assume the scarring extended to the human's face. “Hey my honeydew melon, stay focused.” Shrek blinked and hummed, mentally pulled away from the questions that plagued his mind. “I know that look my delicious lime.”

Wade booped Shrek's nose. The ogre looked up at the human in his lap with his big, chocolate brown orbs. “You do?” The merc couldn't help but think that the man whom people referred to as a monster looked nothing but cute. Unfortunately, he knew that look too well. Shrek wanted more. Not in the sense of a relationship - or maybe he did what did Wade know anyway - but something that felt much more intimate. If Wade thought about it for more than a second, there was no reason to assume Shrek would be repulsed by his face. However, Wade had never had a single thought in his life. 

Wade reached behind him to start unzipping his suit. Shrek immediately reached out to help. The ogre might be better at freeing Wade from the costume than Wade himself. Marred skin appeared from underneath red fabric. Wade had to stand up for a moment to remove his boots so he could get rid of the suit. “Another time, ok?” Shrek understood. The mask was the last line of defence, the barrier that held together the pieces that made up the merc with a mouth. The ogre gave a nod. Then the human was on his knees, helping him get rid of his pants. Wade was not even attempting to fully undress Shrek. As soon as the deep green, hefty pole was revealed, Wade had his tongue on it, lapping at the onion-flavoured precum staining the thick, mushroom-shaped tip. Shrek’s grip on the chair tightened, his mud brown eyes focused on the bit of skin that was revealed from Wade pulling his mask up just below the nose. He had seen that textured chin before; it drove him crazy. 

The edge of the mask scraped along Shrek’s long dong as Wade ran his tongue over the entire 10 inches and counting. The ogre was not at full hardness yet, but with the way Wade’s scarred hands glided over his member slick with the merc’s saliva, it would not be long until Shrek was at his full 15 inches. Shrek rid himself of his shirt. His thick fingers fumbled with the laces on his clothes, but he managed. He couldn’t see Wade’s eyes, but he sure could feel them latching onto every sliver of exposed, chartreuse flesh. 

The contrast of his dad bod against Wade’s toned form used to make the sensitive ogre self-conscious, but with his chest exposed, the human on his knees sounded downright pornographic. Wade had never been subtle about how horny he was whenever Shrek showed some skin. The human seemed to be impatient, forgoing the rest of his blowjob and making himself at home again in Shrek’s lap. Shrek put his huge hands onto Wade’s slim waist. “What are you doing?” He inquired in near panic, the idea of Wade taking him without any prep chilling him to the bone. 

Wade reached behind him, holding Shrek’s long John in between his luscious cheeks. “Don’t you worry about a thing, daddy,” Wade cooed as he rose as high as he could to press the emerald tip against his puffy wet hole. Shrek tightened his grip onto Wade’s hips, firmly asking him to let him at least finger him a bit. Wade sighed as dramatically as it was loud. “Shrek, babes, it’s the 31st of December and this was supposed to happen on the 28th of October. You realise how overdue our fuckfest is and now you want to keep the writer from joining his family on the couch just for a little fingering scene? Fuck that, let’s get to the real deal; it’s overdue.” 

Shrek had once again no fucking clue what Wade was on about, but he could not exactly protest. The head of his massive schlong slipped right into Wade’s tight hole. The green hunk let out an inhuman growl, perhaps because he was not a human. Wade rode the head with no problem as if he had been stretched already. However, Shrek had no memory of Wade ever having the time to sneak off without him to do that in the past hours they spent together. “How?” he grunted out in the split second of clarity he had to speak. Right after that single syllable left his exquisite lips, he could not say anything, only moan in ecstacy. 

“Fanfic logic, baby,” Wade replied with a shit-eating grin, before pushing himself down onto Shrek’s enormous plonker. He was barely halfway and he already felt like that green baguette was about to exit through his throat on the other side. He rose up a little, trying to coax his body into taking more, but it wouldn’t give. 

“Where is your fanfuck or whatever logic now?” Shrek growled impatiently. Wade huffed and prepared to give it another shot, but Shrek gripped him firmly and lifted him all the way off his piss weasle. “Since you’re so eager to get speared through like a shish kebab, let me help you.” Shrek stood up, kicked his shoes and pants off and manhandled Wade face down ass up onto the cold floor of his swamp estate. He grabbed Wade’s back melons, spreading them wide. The merc’s hole was gaping wide, but they both knew Wade could do better. He guided his pickle back into the winking shithole in front of him. 

The angle was better, but now Shrek could also use his own strength to shove his colossal meat stick inside his human fuckdoll. Wade gasped as more and more green sausage was forced inside him. Just when he thought he had it all, he didn’t feel hefty balls pressing against his backside. It was never-ending, exquisite torture. Shrek seemed to not care about Wade’s pleasure at all, a single focus on making the shreksiest merc ever envelop his entire spawn hammer. 

And when he did, both men were delirious with gratification. Wade collapsed, unable to keep his body up, but fortunately Shrek had him. The ogre moved his hands to get a better grip, only to feel the clear outline of his immense piston through the sweat-slicked skin of his personal whore. His last grip on humanity left him, hips rapidly moving on their own to feel that outline move with it. He didn’t know how long he was railing Wade when he felt semen cover the hand feeling up the outline of his love rod. He didn’t know how long he kept going after that like an animal. 

“Just fucking cum already! We’re running out of synonyms for penis over here, unless you want the writer to start using things like baloney pony,” Wade wailed. It was shortly after - for my own sanity - that the outline of Shrek’s flesh flute became less and less obvious, Wade’s belly expanding due to the copious, excessive load being dumped inconceivably deep inside his guts. 

—————

REBLOG TO SUPPORT YOUR FANFIC WRITERS

Likes do not help exposure!A comment in tags or replies can sustain a writer for months!

[ask-serendipity-sky]

Long post incoming. Sorry.

JM has a habit of casting doubt on him & JK and I think he prefers it that way, instead of the alternative, which is all eyes on him & the man he likes. The difference between Jikook is JK doesn't care. JM does. He worries too much about his relationship with JK and how it affects BTS & probably his dad's business too. He always puts others before him. He use to be more bold, but now that they're older, he does tend to wanna be more careful and private about things with JK. He'd rather be vague nowadays "did I or didn't I see JK on his bday? instead of saying I did. Like we know they see each other, even if he makes it seem they don't. I mean, did they plan that NY trip through emails. Come on, Jimin. however, Jimin didn't say he didn't see JK on his bday, he made sure to say his words carefully. I mean, who calls someone the day before their bday but not on their bday? So suddenly this ONE year, right before they leave for 2 years, he decides he can't see JK on his bday or call him, so he has to do it the day before? He's not lying. He probably did speak to JK the day before, considering he has always gotten a head start on JK's bday. Like last year. He wished JK beforehand, told us to look forward to it, counting it down, then saw him in person according to JK and again wished him publicly after he saw him with JK blowing out the candles.

I think JM just feels super exposed lately. Letter (with JK) and questionable lyrics, NY/CT/Silver Day, "Real" Love GCF Tokyo, explaining their rainy day fight and all of JK's super gay Jimin centric lives & then that one flirty live where JK is half naked begging JM to come over after their NY/CT trip. All of that back to back, has really thrown him & JK more into the spotlight & has everyone, even media & locals going Hmmn, ???, Are they, you know? Rainbow, Fruit Vibes, Twinkle, Twinkle. And now that shirtless picture has added to that already feeling exposed vibe. I think JM really did mean for that picture of the two of them, to be a gift for JK, cause he knows JK's been fighting hard to knock his walls down when it comes to him & JM and Jimin hasn't been budging. The pic is giving "I was with Jungkook at 4 am on his birthday/BB100" energy. Jimin knew JK was frustrated cause JK was having to make up a story about finding out about the BB 100, without mentioning JM. You could see JK's frustration in their OT7 live. I imagine Jimin got an ear full too, which is why when JM said it out loud finally, it was a big deal, cause JK's smile said it all. So this picture gives that same energy, esp since it was a personal picture from their private trip, that Jimin has been hell bent on not acknowledging.

So I think Jimin did see JK on his bday & not cause of shipping. It's because its who Jimin is. He never missed a bday, he wouldn't now. Jimin is just politely saying it's none of our business & he got us on the jump cause he knew it was gonna come up. Now if JK comes out and says he did not see Jimin, then I will believe it, since JM technically didn't say he didn't see JK or talk to him on his bday. He never once said he did not see or talk to him on his bday. He just said he talked to him the day before. And to be honest, it really is no one's business. So I get it. And the off chance he did not. Jimin himself had a work schedule that day. SO he could have spent time with him the night before or even went to him after that live, but we will never know. Well, we will never know from Jimin that is. JK on the other hand. That boy is a loose canon. So he might let it slip on purpose one day.

Hi anon,

Some of the stuff you all write makes me laugh lol

🌈Rainbow, fruit vibes, twinkle twinkle🌈

I agree with you. The picture Jimin posted ended up gathering international attention.

Could Jimin have tried to calm the people questioning jikook? It's possible so he picked his words carefully and said a lot but said very little.

At the end of the day, we really don't know if they saw each other. Based on this year and past year behavior, we could conclude they did see each other. But Jimin left those words floating in the air by not confirming or denying.

And I don't know, like you said, Jk is a loose canon. He is ready to spill at all times! Maybe he will!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[theslay3d]

Heey! I'm here for Alex with a sarcastic reader that loves to joke around and make funny comments, please <3

Alex Fierro x Reader

Gender: Gender neutral

Warnings: um arson? man idk just slay also probably spelling mistakes

Word count: 1132

A/N tbh hate the aesthetic pic for Alex might change it...Anyway hope you enjoy!! also sorry if you didn't want it romantic.

You've been in Valhalla for around the same time as Magnus. You even helped him when he had to go on those crazy quests. You were also there when Alex got there. 

You didn't like Alex at first. When Alex first got there and changed into a wildcat and started running around she stepped on your foot and ruined some of your stuff which made you be well…mean to Alex. 

Of course Alex was mean and sarcastic too but that was just her personality. You did start to get along after a little bit Which totally wasn't because Magnus made you to be friends because he couldn't  handle all the comments and insults thrown around. 

Anyway after all of you defeated Loki. You and Alex started to become closer until eventually you started dating. It wasn't much of a surprise to your friends as loads of them shipped you two. 

Alex likes your personality a lot. It reminded her of herself and it was easier to get along with you. Plus you both could bounce off of each other with insults to your friends. 

One time before you both started dating you were sat in the dining hall and were talking to your friends about Alex. 

You sighed. “You know Magnus I tried to be nice but then Alex happens and it ruins all of my progress.” 

Magnus’s eyes went somewhere behind you. “Alex is behind me isnt she?” You turned around and looked up. Alex raised an eyebrow at you. 

“Are you gonna say it to my face?” Alex taunted with a stupid smirk on her face. 

“You ruin all my progress of kindness” She seemed surprised you actually said it. You turned back around to sit normally. 

Alex rolled her eyes and moved to sit in the only empty seat. Across from you. 

That was one of the times you realized you may have liked Alex. There were other times when you realized it like this one time that totally did not involve arson. 

You and Magnus decided to go to one of the training areas to fight for fun. Now you both were standing outside the room that was currently on fire. 

Alex along with others ran up to you. “What did you do!?” Alex yelled looking at you. “Nothing!” His eyes narrowed. Alex knew it was probably you who set the room on fire. 

“Okay well I did commit a touch of arson but really it's Magnus’s fault” You pointed behind you to where Magnus was standing. “What!” Magnus yelled, raising his hands. “I didn't do anything!” 

You rolled your eyes. Can't Magnus take the blame for once?  

“Shut up Kurt Cobain wannabe take the blame” You whispered to him. Magnus looked at you offended.

Alex seemed to have heard you and he rolled his eyes. He grabbed both of your arms and started dragging you. “Your both grounded” 

Alex continued to drag you both to your room. He shoved Magnus in his and slammed the door. Then he dragged you into yours but stayed in. 

“Why are you staying?” You asked with narrowed eyes. Maybe Alex would actually murder you this time.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I wanted to see your room” You sighed and turned to jump on the small couch in your room. 

You could see his eyes dart around until they landed on a wall. 

“Is that a wall of knives?” Alex asked.

You turned to see where he was pointing. “Yes!” Alex noticed that you seemed excited about it. “Why?” He asked. 

“It's my emotional support knife collection.” You turned your head back and smiled up at him. “Maybe one day i'll get to use one on you” 

“Was that a threat?” 

“Did it sound like a complement?” You tilted your head. 

Alex didn't reply and turned to leave. “Are you leaving?” you called out from the couch. 

Alex turned back around but kept walking backwards. “Yes Y/n that is the point of turning around and walking to the door.” 

“Fine bye”

Alex opened the door and left. You didn't realize you were smiling at the door until a minute later. You rolled your eyes at yourself. Hopefully this crush would go away. 

Another time during a Valhalla battle Alex got hurt but not enough to die. 

You were standing near Alex while your other friends were off fighting. She was leaning on a wall trying not to fall over from her wounds. Alex knew she would heal which is why she was just waiting. 

You tilted your head at how much blood Alex had on her. You couldn't even see the designs she once had on her shirt. 

“If you pass out I'm not catching you” You blurted out. 

Alex rolled her eyes. “Remind me to kill you later” 

“Oh of course I'll set a timer incase i forget!” You said sarcastically. Alex sighed “This healing thing is taking to long just kill me already” 

“I dropped my weapon back on the field so…” 

“Of course you did” Alex muttered and moved to grab something from the belt she had on. It was a knife. 

“Oh! A knife, are you flirting with me?” You teased as you grabbed the knife from her hands. She locked eyes with you. “You need therapy” 

“I know!” You said and quickly killed her. Obviously she would come back but even just killing her felt a little weird. You kept having to repeat in your head that she would come back. 

Finally moving on to the time you finally kissed her. Or well she finally kissed you. 

You both were alone which seemed to happen a lot these past few weeks. It seemed your friends got super busy lately. 

You all were supposed to meet in one of the movie theaters in Valhalla to watch a movie. So now it was just you and Alex. Sitting right next to each other for some reason.

You sighed again. “My hands are cold” You whispered not expecting Alex to hear you. 

“I'm tired of you complaining” Before you could think of what she meant she grabbed your hands and held them. 

Your eyes widened. Alex Fierro was holding your hands. 

Before you could think about what you were about to say you blurted it out “You know what for some reason my lips are getting cold too” 

Alex turned to you a little surprised. You were also surprised at what you said but were even more surprised at what Alex did. She leaned in and kissed you. You kissed back. 

You broke apart from Alex. She turned back to the movie. “Now be quiet, I want to watch in silence.” You nodded your head and listened to her. 

Maybe you were glad that the crush never went away. 

[musette22]

Hiii my darlings, just dropping by to say that I am once again on a little trip, meaning I might not be very present on here for the next few days! I also am aware that there is still a couple of lovely asks sitting in my inbox that deserve a proper reply, so I will get to that one at some point, I promise!! 🫶🏼

And for those who are interested: I'm in Sheffield, UK, right now (home of Arctic Monkeys 💗) to see Miles Kane (one of my other ship) perform, and in true me style, I actually just ran into Miles and his little dog Max when I was on my way to the venue and he was just walking Max before the gig 😂 I got to pet the little fluff ball and chat to Miles for a bit and it was SO lovely (I took a pic but it's a bit stalkery in handsight oops) and that's not even counting the actual gig and the lovely tumblr friend I met up with!!! Very very good day 🥰

Here they are pre-gig 🥰

And tomorrow I'm heading to London to see one of my best friends and stay with her for a few days, and we're going to another gig tomorrow night (Audio Bullys with support from Jamie T, which I am SO excited about too 😍)

Anyways, that was a little life update from me and an explanation for why i might not be on here much for a few days, but I'll be back as always!! Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday tomorrow! 💕✨️