#Like ... No. ... I've just been trying to do this since autumn and not really done much active changes

[mrfoox]

So... Another woman asked me starstruck 'how I lost my weight?' and im just uh

T... Thank you? But honey, I have nothing easy and quick to share :/

[selineram3421]

*Mermay ending* Sigh..

Other Worldly

Part 5

Part 4

Alastor X Shy Reader

Warnings ⚠

⚠ selectively mute reader, Italics= thoughts, implied past love(living life), jelly Alastor lol, Francis Forever-Mitski ⚠

Something he's noticed is that his little mer has been smiling more often.

Perhaps it was because they got more comfortable with speaking with the others but they still held some caution when around him. He wanted to change that very soon. The Radio Demon was quite impatient, especially when it came to something he wanted.

The mer used the pond area with the dock a lot more since his shadow guided them there. With them distracted in that little area, he started working on something new not too far.

It took less than a few days to finish and Alastor was ready to share it with them once he felt content with how it looked.

"Hm..", he hummed, thinking of when to show the gift he prepared to the aquatic demon. "I suppose I'll let them know after lunch time.", he decided.

After having lunch, he made his way down the hall that led to his hotel room.

Not seeing them anywhere in the hotel, he realized that they must have gone to the pond with the dock again.

He heard a faint hum as he approached, slowly increasing in volume. Not too far from the pond, he spotted them in the water.

Before he could announce himself, he heard the mer start to sing.

"I don't know what to do without you.

I don't know where to put my hands.

I've been trying to lay my head down

But I'm writing this at three a.m."

The Radio Demon stood still and listened, curious about the song.

"I don't need the world to see

That I've been the best I can be, but

I don't think I could stand to be

Where you don't see me."

Who is this about? He wondered. Why are they stuck in my Mer's head?

"And autumn comes when you're not yet done

With the summer passing by, but

I don't think I could stand to be

Where you don't see me."

He took a step closer when they finished singing.

"I wonder why it is that you sing such sad songs whenever I catch you.", he spoke, earning a squeak of surprise from the mer in response.

They hid most of themselves in the water, eyes just above it as they turned to face him.

He lifted a brow and chuckled.

How bashful.

"Come now my dear!", he said, using his shadows to pull them out of the water and into his arms. "I have something I'd like to show you!"

They gasped and scrambled to balance themselves, clutching onto his coat once they settled in his arms. He smiled when they glared at him with a pout.

"Smile dear~", he said, his smile turning into a grin.

They look away with a huff.

.

You don't like when he appears randomly whenever you're singing about her.

When he tells you to smile, you look away.

I hate this.. You thought with a furrowed brow. I hate when he catches me.

"Let's start heading over.", he said softly and began walking into the woodland area.

You haven't really explored all of the space that was provided for you to sing, so you looked around curiously, wondering where you were being taken.

"Where are we going?", you finally asked after a moment's silence.

"Ah, so they can speak.", Alastor's smile widens.

You roll your eyes and look away.

"Now, now. I'm only teasing.", he chuckles. "It's a surprise. Not too far from the little pond.", he answers. "Meanwhile, I'd like to ask you a question or two."

A question? About what? You thought.

"Who is it?", he asks. "The one that plagues your thoughts so, whenever you're singing those songs."

You look down at your tail and frown.

You didn't want to tell him. Why would he care about that? He had what he wanted and that was to listen to you sing. You didn't have to tell him anything else about your past. About your living life. About her..

"No one important.", you decide to respond.

"Ah, but it is someone?", he leans his head closer to yours.

You ignore him and listen to the crunch of twigs and grass, some occasional mud as he walks.

"Well, whoever it is, I'm going to ask you to sing those songs for me."

Blink

It catches you by surprise but you look up at him confused.

"What? Why?"

He just gives you a closed eyed smile. "Why not? I do so love your singing."

You look away again.

.

Alastor's smile grew as he noticed the blush forming on the mer's cheeks as they turned their head away.

Good to know they are sweet when complimented. He thought and noticed how close the gift was. "Close your eyes dear. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise now."

They glanced over at him with a questionable gaze but did as told, closing their eyes.

Carefully and quietly, he had his shadow move some of the willow tree leaves out of the way as he walked into their gift, setting them down on a smooth stone.

"Wait a moment longer.", he whispered into their ear before standing straight and snapped his fingers.

Little fireflies appeared, completing the look.

"Now you may look."

He watched with interest as they opened their eyes, smile turning soft as they gasped and looked around to see the space he created for them.

Trees that towered, the leaves covering most of the light, only a few beams of light hit the water and made the area glow. Willow tree leaves brushing against the water as they created little hiding spots beneath them and some vines hanging off the other trees.

They were enchanted by the sight and he noticed they wanted to explore but they paused.

"Why are you-", the siren began. "Why?", they asked in a hushed voice as they turned to look at him.

All the Radio Demon did was smile and took a step closer, leaning down to stroke their cheek.

"That little pond didn't suit you, so I made something that did.", he replied.

There was an odd thrum coming from somewhere but he didn't bother to pay attention to it. Right now, all he wanted to do was watch his little mer enjoy their gift, surrounded by the flickering lights from the fireflies.

He would have them.

*mermay in my heart* I'll work on the other fics now, just needed the mermay stuff out of my system. This isn't the end though.

Seline, the person.

Part 6

Taglist@

@preciousbabypeter @poppingaround @bishiglomper @darifes @random-3455 @mistpurpl3 @chirimeimei @sharkthong @enjisthings @aspiring-bookworm @cherry-cola-100 @fairyv-ice @phoephan-123 @fuzzyturtlepaws

@+more in the comments+

ML I Alastor🎙️ | OW🦀

[shuchu]

im not even a kyo stan but like 😳 imagining the trope where childhood friends get seperated for a while and when they reuinte again, person a is shocked at how much person b has changed and now person a is confused and flustered around person b 🥺

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅ different but familiar ₊˚ෆ

character(s): kyo kaneko

note: gn!reader ; fluff ; not proof read!

a/n: oh gosh i haven't written a proper fic in ages... i apologise if this is sloppy ;w; but hey, my first kyo fic o_o despite being a kyomie for a while now lol oops. i actually really enjoyed writing this, it made me feel all soft and warm on the inside hehe. this kinda ended on a cliffhanger, let me know if you guys want a part two!! thank you anon for the idea!! enjoy lovelies ♡

art credit

you were on your way to the coffee shop nearby to get your coffee before heading to work. you take a deep breath of the crisp autumn air as you walk through a carpet of leaves, hearing them crunch beneath your feet. you swing open the door and hear the little jingle of the bell before the delicious smell of freshly baked pastries mixed with the fragrant scent of coffee wafts towards your nose. a faint smile graces your features as you walk towards the counter to order.

"hi what can i get for you today?" the cheerful cashier asks.

"i'll have an oat milk cappuccino with 2 shots of espresso as well as a croissant please." you respond, giving the cashier a friendly smile.

"will that be all?"

"yep! thank you!"

just as you were about to pull out your card to pay, you see someone reach forward to tap their card on the machine. you turn to your left to see who it was. a guy with light blue hair smiles at you and says, "my treat."

as you walked over to the collection counter with him, you were trying to figure out why this guy looked so familiar. did you know him?

and then it hit you...your eyes widened as you looked at him

"kyo?"

he turned towards you with a soft chuckle, "took you long enough."

"oh my gosh...i haven't seen you in..." your voice falters as you try to recall the number of years

"thirteen years." he says as he looks at you with a small smile

"oh wow...it's been that long huh? how've you been? i hope mr. and mrs. kaneko have been well."

"oh yeah i've been busy, got a job that literally takes up all of my time. my parents are doing good though, thank you for asking about them."

"so...what brings you back to our quaint little town?"

"well...my mom and dad wanted to meet some old friends and catch up with them. i've been working tirelessly for months without a break so i decided..."

kyo's voice drifts off, melting together with the background ambiance of the coffee shop as you stare shamelessly at him, noticing the changes in his appearance since you last saw him.

oh wow, when did he get his ear pierced? his face changed a lot...it's a lot more defined now. also, he shot up so much what the heck?! i was taller than him when we were kids...that's so unfair, why do guys get so much taller after puberty...wait, was he always this handsome...?

"hey...hey y/n...are you done checking me out?" kyo's voice gets clearer again as you snap out of your thoughts. you feel your cheeks heat up after getting caught staring at him and because of the close proximity between the both of you. he leaned in to get your attention and now both of your faces were just a few inches apart.

you avert your gaze to compose yourself and mumble, "i wasn't checking you out..."

he leans back and chuckles, "uh huh...so tell me what i said then." he teases, a smirk evident on his face.

you stay silent because obviously you didn't hear what he said, he chuckles and flicks your forehead gently, "you haven't changed a bit, always spacing out."

you move your hand to rub the spot he flicked with a pout, "quit it, you're still as annoying as you were back then." you giggle after and he laughs too. it felt nice to joke around with him again. your heart swells with happiness, you've missed him — more than you thought you did.

the barista calls out your name and you go to grab your order.

"i'm assuming you're headed off to work now, where do you work by the way?"

"oh it's just 3 blocks down, that massive office building?"

"oh yeah, i know which one you're talking about. what time do you get off work?"

"6pm."

"oh perfect, i'll see you then. we need to have a proper catchup. dinner's on me too." he says with a boyish grin.

"no that's okay, i can-"

"nuh uh uh, no can do. um...i'm sure you have to start walking, it's almost 9am. you don't wanna be late to work do you?" he says as he places his hands on your shoulders and swivels you around to face the direction of your office.

you click your tongue and start walking, turning your head back to respond to him, "we'll see mr kaneko. i'll have my card ready this time."

"byeee! good luck at work! i'll see you at 6!" he calls out as he waves at you

you wave too and turn back around with a sappy smile on your face, your cheeks flushed. well that's something to motivate me to get through work today

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

was i the asshole for refusing to pay a private contractor what they claimed i owed?

preface: i rent a townhouse that has both a front and a back yard, and the lawn mower broke (landlord refuses to fix it), so i was forced to find a landscaping company locally who could mow the grass in spring and summertime. i hate mowing so no real loss, plus i get to support local small businesses! score!

everyone around here sucks at communication (as in they just don't show up or respond to any texts, calls, or emails even when Maureen From The HOA is breathing down your neck) except for one company i've been using religiously ever since i found them. love these guys. quality work, excellent communication, affordable, flexible, these guys are the best and i have referred my neighbors to them as well.

at the beginning of spring 2023, money was kinda tight so i asked if they could only mow every three weeks. they told me no dice, only in two-week increments because they have a rolling scheduling of which neighborhoods get hit up on certain weeks. fair enough. i ask for a mow every four weeks. sure, the grass will get a little tall, but the HOA can shut up.

they come every two weeks instead and text AFTER they've already done the work, so i have to pay for it. i pay them promptly, but ask if they can please honor my wishes for it to be every four weeks, as we discussed. they honor that... once. and then go back to every two weeks. by this time, the grass is shooting up faster than expected and i still hate the HOA, so i sigh and let it go. every two weeks it is.

fast forward to late autumn as winter's rolling in and i'm writing the check for the last mow of the season when the guy calls and says "oh btw you owe hundreds of dollars we never told you about until just now".

somehow, they got it in their heads that they mowed my lawn every single week, and should be paid for that. not once did that happen. not only was there no communication about them having been there OR needing payment (remember how i said they were so good about communication? i have texts going back the entire season where they message me "hey we mowed your lawn today" every two weeks exactly, and what sense does it make for them to forget to say anything every other week on the nose?), but i think i would have noticed grass getting shorter for no reason. also remember how i specifically told them i wanted a mow every four weeks and never actually rescinded that request? it's in writing. it's in the text log. at no point did i ever approve this "weekly" work, even if they'd actually done it (which they didn't).

thing is, these guys are prompt and reliable. they're the best option i've got around these parts. they really don't strike me as the types to pull a fast one on me or scam me. i think it was a genuine, honest mistake and they got my house mixed up with someone else's in the ledger, and now they're out the money for work they legitimately performed... just not for me. i recommended them to my neighbors, remember? not impossible they got the house numbers for my street mixed up. a 6 can look like an 8, or a 7 like a 1 if your handwriting smudges.

i got so caught up in my kneejerk response of "hey what the fuck do you mean i owe money for work i told you i didn't want and you didn't actually do" that i didn't work with them to try to figure out what actually happened here, and now a local business got screwed over. WITAH?

What are these acronyms?

[iguessitsjustme]

I don't think any of y'all watch The Circle but I am absolutely DYING at the episodes that dropped today. And the only people I know that watch it are coworkers so I gotta wait until tomorrow to really talk about it but oh my god. I gotta say this or I will explode. Under the cut to spare y'all:

Mad, mad respect for Caress for making the right move and sacrificing herself. She knew where she stood and she truly went out in the best possible way. I hope she finds nothing but blessings in her life.

I think the way the show is being edited is indicating that Kyle is gonna win it. I hope he does. He has been nothing but loyal and honest to everyone (aside from the fact he's married but that's no problem because Liv isn't exactly honest either)

I HATE Jordan. First of all, get your shoes off the bed wtf. You sleep there. I also get that he's good for tv or whatever because he's brings the drama but that is literally not what anyone likes about the circle. We like the genuine connections that people build in there. We like when the show is wholesome. And he came in and just decided Myles sucked and was manipulating everyone? Because what? People liked him? When he was going around lying about everything? That boy still has insecurities he hasn't fully worked through and is projecting that onto Myles.

I will be so sad if QT goes because she is genuinely such a good player. She's kind but also realistic and she keeps it real with her people that they're playing a game. I'm glad she left that influencer chat with Jordan because she was right. If she blocked anyone he wanted to block, she would look like she can't be trusted. She would be the next one gone. Because Jordan would have been safe since he was the secret influencer, he had no issues gunning for her people. And trying to tell her that her strategy is bad because she doesn't want to break every alliance she has in one fell swoop? He's dumb.

I hope Liv gets rid of Jordan but the smart move would be blocking QT and I honestly think QT would respect her for it. I don't know if QT would throw shade at Liv being a catfish or not though. That is if they make Liv block face to face which is what they've always done in the past so I don't see why they would stop now.

I am happy to see Liv makes it to the finals. I've been up and down with Liv but I do like her and think she deserves to be in the finals. Or he deserves it I guess. Go Brandon.

I want Kyle to win. Out of everyone left, I want him to win. Myles is my favorite but I think Kyle winning would be the sweetest moment.

Jordan can kiss my ass.

I do want Lauren to make it to the finals. I wish she had been in any other season cause I think the AI twist hurt her a lot and she would have been able to build actual connections with actual people which is what I watch the show for.

No seriously. Jordan makes me so mad. All he had to do was literally none of what he did. Why did he come in so nasty? Has he seen the show? Those people never win. Never.

I do feel bad for Autumn and I think if she had come in earlier and had a chance to talk to Myles they could have been friends. I do not know why I think this but I think they would have been friends.

[gatoraid]

Random, but can I ask why do you love Yut Lung? What made him special? Is there a certain moment in Banana Fish where you know, this will be my favorite character?

P.s I can't believe the mangaka end Yut Lung just like that in the later manga. Are you surprised, too?

This is the perfect ask, YES you can ask me why I love my fave character. <3 This has been sitting in my drafts for a while but since the jp fandom is currently drawing a lot of Yut Lung fanart for the Mid-Autumn Festival, I feel like it's a good time to try answer this.

Yut Lung as a character is just endlessly fascinating to me. He’s the bitchy antagonist, the foil and twisted mirror image of Ash and to a lesser extent Eiji too. He has such delicious relationships with so many of the characters in the story, he's THE fandom bicycle to me.

I love how Yut Lung is full of contradictions. He’s an evil mastermind and seductress pulling at the strings, but he’s also a traumatized 16-year-old kid who misses his mother. He uses his femininity and beauty as a weapon and never fails to bring a fashion moment when going out, yet at home he only ever wears ugly grandpa sweaters.

One of the reasons why I enjoy reading about him so much is that he’s not really a good person. He’s petty and jealous. He’s been having a bad time his whole life and he wants to make it your problem too. Yet at the same time, you see how torn he feels about Shorter's death, how he just wants acceptance and for someone to take care of him. Idk, something about him showing his ugly sides and still being someone who clearly would deserve love and healing just feels so cathartic to me.

And let's not even get started on the gender stuff. I tend to latch on to characters with atypical gender expressions, and Yut Lung is explicitly referred to and viewed as feminine by other characters in the story. Is he someone who's learned to use his perceived femininity to his advantage (the ppl who have compared him to the main character of M Butterfly are so smart), or is this how he actually wants to present? Maybe both? In any case, this aspect of his character has also made him very dear to me.

Also, I actually do know the exact moment I realized Yut Lung would become my fave:

Soo yeah, despite being a fan of the manga for years, it was the anime adaptation that made his character really pop for me. Maybe it was just the right timing for me to vibe with his particular story, or maybe the fact that the anime staff clearly loved him made him stand out even more? His updated character design is just so good! Obviously I love his manga and anime versions equally now, the anime was just the catalyst.

You also asked about Yut Lung's story arc in Yasha. I'm putting the rest after a cut bc of spoilers.

I haven't read Yasha myself, but I've read enough fic and other reports to know the basics of how Yut Lung's life ends in that story. I'm very sad since I just wanted him to keep on living, taking reponsibility for the shitty things he has done. But idk if I can say I'm surprised. Unlike the anime staff, I think it's pretty clear that Akimi Yoshida did not love Yut Lung at all. I feel like she disliked him quite a bit actually, so writing an ending like that for him makes sense in a way sobbbb.

[k-slla]

Wish You Were Here

First of all, I have to say thank you to @deanbrainrotwritings for helping me on this one - I really really appreciate it 💖 & @impala-dreamer for the perfect song for this fic💖

Another one done for the @jacklesversebingo :)

Square filled: "I want to be the last one you love." will be in bold

Word count: ∼4.5k

Trigger warnings: Suicide, suicidal ideation, trauma, depression, mental illness, panic attack, angst

My Masterlist

You woke up abruptly. Clock on the nightstand glowed at 3:23. There was no way that you could fall asleep again now. You blinked away the tears that were welling up in your eyes. Feeling them roll down your cheeks, you sat up on the bed, trying to ignore the empty side next to you.

You had dreamt of him again. Actually, the more you thought about it, you realized, it wasn't just a dream. It was a memory of three of you- you, Jensen, and your daughter Elis flying a kite at your lake house on a beautiful, autumn evening a couple of years back.

It was the beginning of September- days were still warm but after sunset, it got cold quite fast.

Elis was running around with the kite until she stumbled on a rock. Jensen quickly ran after her to grab the kite by the string she had let go when she fell. "Hey, Princess, you okay?" He tried to help her, but she just stood up, took the kite back from him and said happily: "Yes, thank you, Daddy! " And ran away again. He shook his head and smiled to himself. "Like mother, like daughter." He said quietly.

You pulled him up and put your arms around his neck. "What was that?" You asked him, your lips teasingly hovering over his, but still not touching. "I said that she's just as stubborn as her mother. Never letting me help her. What am I supposed to do with the two of you?"

You swatted him lightly on his shoulder and made sure that Elis was out of earshot before continuing."Oh, shush, honey. Besides, didn't you help me last night? I remember letting you be really, really helpful. In the bedroom and on the balcony." You said slowly as he pecked your lips softly between your words. Sometimes you were glad you didn't have any close neighbors and that Elis is a heavy sleeper. Otherwise it would've been a very, very uncomfortable situation.

"In the shower too." He added.

You looked flirtily up to him. "Yeah, no, I definitely don't remember that."

"Hmm...I'll have to remind you tonight then, if you promise to keep quiet." He laughed cheekily, and pulled you close to him, and pressed a kiss on your forehead. You stood in comfortable silence in his arms, watching closely how Elis chased after your dog in the backyard, laughing and trying to catch up with her. The kite was already abandoned somewhere on the ground.

It started to get dark, so it was time to head inside. "Elis, honey, let's go inside now!" You called after her. "But moomm! Little bit more, please!"

"Not today, Princess! It's getting cold soon!" Jensen said and she immediately came running back to you, jumping into his arms. She has always been Daddy's girl. "How do you always get through to her?" You were amazed by him. "Let's just say I've had some practice." He gave you a wink and started walking towards your house.

You decided to linger behind to watch them go.

Small moments like these are the ones you would never forget. Now, these memories are even more precious. This dream has been a recurring one for you, ever since his funeral.

You got out of bed and walked downstairs to the living room, picked up an album from the shelf and sat on the couch. Looking at the pictures there were many thoughts in your head. Why didn't he talk to you? How could he let things get so bad that he saw no other way to get out? Why didn't he ask for your help? That's what hurt you the most. That after 8 years of being married, you felt like he still couldn't trust you enough to tell you how he was truly feeling. He suffered alone and you didn't see it until it was too late.

Knowing that this was his choice, was agonizing. Jensen chose to leave you, your daughter, and everyone he knew and cared about. How were you supposed to be able to accept that? It's been close to a year already and no matter what your therapist or anyone else says, it does not get better with time. For you, it still hurts the same.

You've had easier days and hard ones after that. You knew already that today will be especially hard for you to function. You missed him every day with your body, mind and soul, feeling like you were just an empty shell slowly moving through your daily routines. But today, you wanted - no, needed him to hug you, kiss you and tell you that everything's going to be okay. Even if you knew that it was the biggest lie ever, Jensen still always managed to make you believe it.

You sat there for a few hours, flipping through the album, looking at your wedding pictures, focusing really only on the smile on Jensen's face. How the happiness it was showing was just a cover up for all the pain he must have been feeling inside. And he hid it well. "Why did you do this? I don't understand. I could've helped you. Why didn't you talk to me, Jay?" You asked, voice barely above whisper, brushing your fingers over a picture of him and Jared laughing together, hoping to hear him answer. Turning the page you saw both of your handwritten vows you kept from the wedding. The memories brought back the tears that had already dried on your cheeks.

"Y/N, my dear, I love you. More than anything. And I will tell you that every day for the rest of my life. I promise to take your hand today, to hold and to guide you through life next to me, until we're old and wrinkly. I want you to know that I accept all your flaws and quirks because these little things make you who you are.

And while I adore your grumpy, almost lethal glares in the mornings when I forget to put sugar in your coffee, I promise that I have finally learned from my past mistakes.

You are the perfect woman and you make me try to be perfect too. You really are my dream come true, standing right here in front of me. All I ask from you today, is one promise: please promise me that your love for me won't ever fade. No matter the hardships we'll have to go through. I want to be the last one you love, because you are the one for me."

He did tell you that every day. Even when you had the biggest fight that day, you never went to bed angry and not once did you miss the I love you’s. You couldn't help but smile through tears when you read his vows over again, thinking of the excitement and happiness you were feeling when you first heard it. Now, it fills you with sadness.

It was almost 6am and you know Jared usually wakes up at around 5:30. It felt pathetic to call your late husband's best friend at 6am but you just needed to talk to him. Jensen was more like a brother to him. He lost that part of him that day, so he knew what you were feeling. Almost. You dialed his number and waited for him to pick up.

"Hey, Y/N. How are you?" His quiet voice rang through the speaker. "Not good, Jared." There was silence on the other side as he waited for you to continue. "I had a dream of him again today. I miss him. So much." You added with a shaky breath.

"I know. I miss him too. Can I-" he breathed in deeply. "Is there anything I can do?" You started thinking of how anyone but yourself really could help you.

"I don't know." You whispered. "I guess I just have to get through it somehow." For some reason you felt like the "acceptance" stage of grieving, just wasn't on the horizon for you, not any time soon.

"You are not alone, you know that, right? You can talk to me. About anything."

You nodded, but realized he couldn't see you. "I know, J. Thank you."

"Would you like us to pick up Elis for the day? We were planning to go to the fair today and I know for sure my kids would be thrilled to have her come join us. You could have the day to take care of yourself."

You always hated the feeling of being helpless and weak. Lately, it felt that it was all you were. Weak. For the last months, someone has been over to help you frequently. Your parents and in-laws came over the most. Surely, they just wanted to check on you and see their granddaughter, but every time they came, you and your home were always a mess. Deep down you knew that they would never judge, but it still made you feel like you were failing as a mother.

"I don't want to burden you."

He sighed. "Honey, you would never be a burden to us. Don't ever think like that. I'll pick her up around 9, is that good?"

"Okay." You said, exhaling deeply, hoping you'd finally get the rest that you've been missing for the past few months.

You dried your face from tears and dragged yourself to the kitchen to make some tea for you and Elis. After preparing breakfast, you went to wake her up. You were glad she didn't wake up earlier. You wouldn't want to let her see you like that.

"Morning, sweetie!" She was stirring in bed tiredly. "Morning, mommy." She mumbled out quietly. She sat up and shuddered. "Are you cold?" You asked and sat on her bed to pull her close to you. She climbed fully onto your lap and you held tight while she was still waking up.

"I talked to Uncle J today. He wanted to see if you'd like to go to a fair with them?" You had a feeling you already knew what her answer was going to be.

"Can we go? Pleeease?" All her tiredness was being swept away.

"He'll pick you up soon, so let's get you some breakfast." You said as you started to go through her closet to pick some clothes out.

"You're not coming?" The disappointment in her voice broke your heart. "Not today, sweetie, but you'll go and you will have fun for both of us, okay?" Giving her a small smile, you stood in front of her with three outfits. "So, what's it gonna be today? Purple, green or yellow?" Elis was at that age, where she had to do everything herself, but she always wanted her outfit to match head to toe, so every morning you gave her some color options and tried your best to match clothes up. The combinations weren't always the best, but it made her happy, so you were happy. "Purple!"

"Okay, purple it is. Come downstairs when you're ready." You gave her the clothes and left her to dress. "Yes, Mom!"

You heard a car pull up and minute later, Jared let himself in, greeting you loudly. "Hey, girls!" He came to give both of you hugs. "You want coffee or to eat something? Help yourself." You said and pointed to a table full of way too much food for just you and Elis. But you couldn't help it, you love cooking, and most of all, you love cooking whenever you're stressed. "I'll just quickly do her hair and then she's ready to go." You ushered Elis to the bathroom to brush her teeth and braid her hair.

A little bit later, you were saying goodbye to them when Jared hugged you again and whispered. "I meant it, Y/N. Please take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will, I promise. Probably passing out as soon as I close the door behind you." You chuckled. "Good! Do that! El, you ready?" He asked louder. "Yes!" And she gave you one last hug. "Love you, Mom!"

"Love you too! Have fun!"

Almost an hour had passed and you hadn't fallen asleep, instead of it, you laid in bed, thinking of what to do next. You knew exactly what you should do- get back to work full time. You were a freelance photographer, so you had some freedom in shaping your work schedule.

For the last months though, you had held back on taking new projects on. You had plenty of events already that had been planned long in advance and those kept you busy enough. But you knew it was probably the best for you to get out there again. Jensen would definitely say the same. For the sake of your mental health, you decided that coming Monday morning, you'd reach out to your contacts to see if anything new was coming up.

Since you couldn't sleep, you didn't want to let the day go to waste, so you decided to get busy instead. And you were honestly surprised to see how much you got done that afternoon. You managed to actually go and get the groceries for the week, instead of getting them delivered and cleaned the house from top to bottom. It wasn't a lot, if you'd think a year back, but even this seemed like a huge success for you lately. At least it kept you busy for hours. Still, you felt like your day was going too good for you and you were dreading the moment when you'd crash. You knew it would come. It always did.

It was early evening when Jared let you know that they'll take Elis with them to dinner before bringing her home. This gave you a few more hours alone. And you still had leftovers from this morning, so instead of just moping around, you decided to take a long shower. Maybe it would make you feel better about yourself.

You entered the bathroom and undressed, suddenly feeling exhausted and drained. You turned the water onto the hottest setting, hoping the burn on your skin would ease the pain you endured on the inside. You didn't know how to go on without him. You didn't want to. It was hard. And you couldn't help but think that Jensen found an easy way out. Like he gave up too easily, without giving you a chance to help him. Yes, you didn't have any idea how bad it must've been for him, but to you, it also felt like your promises of standing beside him, no matter what life would throw at you, were broken against your will. You couldn't stop the thoughts that passed through your head. What if I just do it? End it all. It sounds so easy. I'd be finally free of this constant pain and the feeling of being useless and pathetic. He did it. What's stopping me?

"Elis. You will not give up because of her." You said out loud, hating yourself for even having these stupid, stupid thoughts.

You stood under the hot stream of water for some time, scrubbing your skin until it was red. Starting to feel lightheaded from the heat, you got out of the shower. You stood in front of the mirror, taking a long look at yourself and you couldn't recognize the woman in the reflection. That there wasn't you. You refused to believe that. She looked small, fragile and tired. Not a sign in there of a confident, happy woman you used to be.

You pulled a towel around you and walked out of the bedroom to get dressed. You stopped in front of your closet and you were nailed in place. You could see it clearly. He was laying in there, like the day you found him. When it was already too late. You knew this was just your imagination but you had to shut your eyes painfully tight to make the view disappear. This is not real, I'm just seeing things. This is not real. This is not real. You kept repeating to yourself in your head.

Then it hit you like a ton of bricks. Your ears were ringing and your body started to shiver uncontrollably. "No, no, no, not now." You whispered and lowered yourself to the floor before your legs would give out. Leaning against the wall, it felt nauseating to just sit there, but you couldn't move. You didn’t know how long you were sitting there, but after some time you heard the front door closing and someone walking downstairs.

"Y/N, dear, it's me." Donna's voice rang through the hall. "I thought I'd come see how you're doing. You didn't answer your phone." His mom was here and you couldn't be more thankful for her for coming over right now. She and Alan supported and cared for you like your own parents did.

"I'm..here!" You called out to her shallowly. It took a minute before she found you. Her expression dropped immediately, when she saw you down on the floor. You looked up at her. "I'm so sorry, Donna. I'm - I should've-" I should've helped him, is what you wanted to say to her, but choked up in tears instead. You lost your husband, she lost her son. You couldn't even imagine what she must be going through.

She sat down next to you and pulled you into a hug. "Shh, honey, it is not your fault. Not at all." She whispered and held you close until you started to calm down a little bit. When someone other than yourself said it, it didn't seem as big of a lie. You took some deep relaxing breaths. "Let's get you dressed and downstairs. I'll make us some tea, okay?" She asked gently and let you go from her embrace. "Yeah, okay." You said quietly and got up.

After getting into your sleepwear, you followed Donna downstairs, where she was already waiting for you with tea. "Careful, it's hot." You sat down next to her on the couch and accepted the mug she offered you. "Thank you." You held it with both hands to warm them up. Feeling the first long sip warming you up from the inside, you sank more into the couch. Donna gave you some time in silence.

"Where's El? With your parents?" You took a sip of tea and shook your head. "No. She's with Jared today. They went to a fair and he thought maybe I'd need some time for myself. She should be home soon." She looked at you like she'd want to say something, but stayed quiet instead. "Hey, I know that look, you know? You can say what you're thinking." You laughed. You had more than once received it from your loved ones. "I'm sorry, Y/N, it's just I'm worried..Are your panic attacks getting more frequent? Have you talked to your doctor about them?" Yep, you knew this was coming. "Well, they're not as often as they used to be. Sometimes they just hit me hard. Sometimes, like today, I get triggered, because my imagination decides to just screw me over." You left a little pause in the conversation.

"I saw him in there again." Thinking back to when Donna found you in front of the closet. "I knew this wasn't real, but I saw him in there. I can't get that sight out of my head. I just can't. It feels like nothing is helping me." You let out a frustrated sigh.

She put her hand over yours. "I know this is a big thing, but have you thought about moving? Maybe this house that you spent your lives together in, itself is triggering you?"

"I haven't thought about it. But it's the only home Elis knows. All her memories of her Dad are in this house. I don't know if moving would be the right decision. Maybe someday in the future, but not yet."

Suddenly your phone rang in the kitchen. You got up to answer it.

"Hey, Y/N, we'll be home in about 20. Elis is totally out, sleeping in the backseat already."

"Okay, perfect, we'll go straight to bed then. See you soon!"

You ended the call and joined Donna again. "They'll be home in 20. I thought you'd get to say hi too, but he said that Elis is sleeping already." You smiled at her.

"Oh, it's okay. I actually wanted more to check up on you today. Had a feeling I should, you know?"

"Thank you for coming. Really. I needed that."

She hugged you. "Of course, dear. Maybe she can come stay with us for the weekend next week?"

"Oh, I'm sure she'd love that."

You said your goodbyes and stayed in the kitchen to wait for Jared and Elis. While you were sitting at the kitchen table, you remembered the first Holiday party that you and Jensen hosted in your home.

Saying that you were nervous that night, would’ve definitely been an understatement. You planned the dinner for ages, before getting the menu just perfect. It wasn’t going to be anything big, just your families coming over for Christmas dinner/ housewarming, but it meant a lot to you to get this perfect. And you still managed to run out of time, so at the last minute you were cooking, decorating and then redecorating the whole house.

“Relax, Y/N, it doesn’t have to be perfect. We'll be fine.” Jensen remained calm as he tried to get you to relax. “It won't be perfect, I can't even make a simple dinner party happen.” You sniffled. He came to stand behind you, while you were slicing oranges for the cider that should've been all done by this time, and started to massage your shoulders. With a deep sigh, you finally let yourself lean into his touch. “Listen...” He put his arms tightly around you. “I know that tonight's important to you, babe, and it's important to me too, but it's still just our own people. They’d hate to see you so stressed out over a dinner for them.” He kissed the top of your head. You turned around and locked your arms around his waist. “You're probably right.” You said quietly and took a deep breath. “So how about we'll let everyone know that dinner will be a little later tonight, and we could turn this into a cooking party instead? We already have everything we need and I'm sure everyone will still have a great time.”

And he was absolutely right because that night ended up being some of the most fun that you've had. Everyone loved cooking dinner together. Jensen and his siblings fooled around the kitchen like children and more than once you had to scold them. After that dinner, both your and Jensen’s parents started to ask about when you two would have kids, joking that you’ve had practice with multiple already.

A little later Jared's car pulled up the driveway. He opened the door and you saw Elis step out, groggily walking towards the house, a new light blue bunny in her hand. "Hey, baby, how was your day?" You asked her quietly when she reached for you to pick her up. "Good." She said quietly and put her head on your shoulder and almost fell asleep again.

"So, I have to come clean. We didn't hold back on spoiling the kids today, I was actually worried if she'd fall asleep from all that sugar." He laughed. "I hope it's okay."

"Of course it is. I think she needed that, so thank you again."

You got Elis awake enough to get her to brush her teeth and into pajamas. She sat in front of you when you were loosely braiding her hair for bed.

"Mommy?" She asked tiredly.

"Yes, honey?"

She turned around to look at you. "Can you sing to me tonight? Like Daddy did?" You felt your eyes tearing up a little. Since the funeral, not once had she asked for you to sing to her. This was her’s and Jensen’s little thing together, so it meant the world to you right now. "Of course, baby." You hugged her. "But you have to know, Daddy was a much better singer than me." That got a little laugh out of her, which brought a smile to your face too.

You got up from her bed. "Come. Take your Bunny with you. You're sleeping with me tonight. You have your Bunny but I want some cuddles too." Her face lit up out of happiness and she looked so much like Jensen, especially when she smiled. She had the same bright green eyes as he did. She jumped off the bed and hugged you. "I love you!" You hugged her back. "I love you too, go on, I'll be right behind you." You said and watched as she ran off into your bedroom. You followed her in there and climbed into bed next to her, pulling her close to you.

"Do you want the same song that Daddy used to sing?" You looked down and saw her nodding silently against your chest. "Okay." You took a moment to see if you still remembered all the lyrics, even though you knew she'd probably sleep in a minute.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

In your mind you could see Jensen singing it to her for the first time, when she was almost one year old. At least that was the first time you heard him sing it.

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better

He was in her nursery, sitting in the rocking chair next to her crib. She had just started teething and was crying all night long.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid

You were made to go out and get her

Jensen had gotten home for a longer break from filming the show and gave you a chance to rest, so he sat up with her, trying to get her to sleep.

The minute you let her under your skin

Then you begin to make it better

You remember standing quietly by the door, listening to his voice carrying out the lyrics.

After that night, him singing this song almost instantly calmed her down in any situation. That's how amazingly good his singing was. Not that you needed any confirmation on that.

And any time you feel the pain

Hey Jude, refrain

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

For well, you know that it's a fool

Who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder

You finished singing when you knew certainly she was asleep again and pulled her closer to you.

The thought that this song is something that will always stay with you, filled you with joy. And while it would take another year or decade, you knew that one day thinking of Jensen would bring a smile to your face and be a little less painful than it was today. You love him and you would always love him, no amount of time would ever change that.

Tags: @jackles010378 @cevansbaby-dove @deanwinchestersgirl87 @alternativeprincess94

[andiatas]

I would love to know more about your thoughts on the Danish Royal Family. Is it that you dont like Margrethe or Fred or you are neutral?

I'm not sure what prompted this but thank you for the ask, nonnie! The easy answer is that I'm Swedish & it's in the DNA of Swedes & Danes to hate one another. There, ask answered!

Okay, no, to be serious. There is this joke amongst the Nordic countries (Sweden, Norway, Finland, Denmark, Åland, Iceland, Faroe Islands & Greenland) that Denmark is the USA of the Nordics & among the Scandinavian royals (Sweden, Norway & Denmark), the Danish have always been my least favourites. I'll post a deeper discussion around my thoughts under the cut & people; remember that these are my personal opinions. I'm not talking facts or trying to be objective here.

Not just the fact that they've done some questionable things (the same could be said for many of the European royals), but it has always struck me weird how borderline worshipped the Danish royals are - especially Margrethe & Mary. It reminds me a bit of the stan culture around some singers & bands where the fans don't simply like the person; they adore them & to the level where you're not even allowed to criticise the person. Then we have Margrethe's approval rating - in a democratic country (Denmark) & its territories (Greenland & Faroe Islands), there is no way someone can continuously have around 80% or higher approval rating.

Up to 2022, I didn't necessarily dislike them & I had no personal issue with Margrethe. The Danish royals weren't my cup of tea, but I found Margrethe very cool as a person & I still do to some extent. There was this public narrative of Frederik, the golden boy, Mary, who could do nothing wrong & Joachim having difficulty finding his role & purpose in the family. As someone who has grown up with Nordic tabloid culture, I assumed it was a Victoria vs. Madeleine situation where the tabloids make a hen out of a feather & try to create drama where there is none. Then that statement around the titles of Joachim's children was published & all the puzzle pieces came together for me...

Now I've seen a lot of people here on Tumblr point towards Nikolai & claim it's all his fault. But that guy has been working as a model under the name of Prince Nikolai since at least 2018. Maybe even earlier, I can't remember. But anyway, the only time his grandma told him off was when he was doing ad work for some car brand & used his royal title. If his modelling career was the problem, Margrethe would have done something years ago & not suddenly, out of the blue, make a decision in autumn 2022.

No, for me, the puzzle pieces all fell together. Joachim struggling to find his place within the Royal House & no one really helping him carve out a position for himself; it being public knowledge that Margrethe favoured his first wife; Marie saying that it wasn't her or Joachim's choice to move to Paris & they weren't happy about it; Marie being painted as the bitter step-mother who wouldn't allow Nikolai & Felix to be with their father & instead, they were kept close to their grandmother; & yeah, the car crash that was Margrethe stripping Joachim's children of their titles a.k.a. she legally changed her grandchildren's names behind their backs without talking to them about it. These are just some instances from the last couple of years that were at the top of my mind.

I've mentioned it in messages to @cambridgemadness @lizisanamimal & @world-of-wales (maybe other people as well, sorry if I forgot to mention you), but to me, it feels very much like Margrethe favouring one son over the other & also doing everything she can to coddle him. It's not just the Nordic tabloids pitting family members against one another. It's very much based on Margrethe's behaviour & her leadership.

[dduane]

In the digital art dep't...

Doing some work comparing renders in Daz Studio's (newer) version 4.21 to the older 4.15, which is where most of my rendering work has happened for the last couple/few years.

But also something else: starting to experiment with skin tone work on the main Middle Kingdoms characters... which I've been putting off because it's been incredibly complex and fiddly (and easy to screw up.). Then I ran across a new Daz-based tool which speeds this business up considerably.

(Adding a cut here because this goes on a little about subjects most people won't need cluttering up their dashes. Warning: contains volumetric- and non-volumetric-handling versions of Daz, character skin color work, complex (and complexion) lighting issues, image comparisons, and the local iteration of the These Two Idiots trope seen up close.

My attention right now is on the main characters, who come in a wide range of shades only casually referred to in the main-sequence books and the interstitial works. And among the core group—the human-born ones, anyway—there's significant variation. Herewiss, being northeast Darthene, is palest. Freelorn, being midlands Arlene with some Steldene ancestry, is darker. Segnbora, coming of people from the southeastern Darthene region along the Steldene border, is darkest of the human three of the Five.

All thee were details that had to go incorrectly depicted until now... because though I had the characters' faces and bodies pretty much sorted out, the skins were all, well, too damn unrelievedly white. And attempting to tweak that without sufficiently sophisticated tools (or enough understanding...) can cause real problems and a lot of lost time.

Now, though, with better tools I can start putting that situation right. Early attempts are inevitably going to be a bit spotty (I only got this tool over the weekend...). But the first few renders have been promising.

Compare this initial render of the Pride Month package "cover..."

to this one (after initial skinwork), which more closely mirrors the reality I see in my head:

(Over on the left, Tom's a bit pale in that run... but never mind. I'll sort him out shortly with the rest of the Young Wizards characters. Sunspark's human skin tone, meanwhile, can be expected to change without notice... especially when they've just seen a look they liked and want to try on.)

The difficulty with the above image is that for various reasons (like hiding the incomplete nature of the city behind them...) the lighting's from either a spring or autumn sunset, and therefore too warm for good clear comparisons. So as another early-stages test I took the version of Freelorn from the above image and repositioned him in one where the lighting was a lot better... at least when rendering in DSv4.15. Here's the "Short King" image from a year or two ago, before the skinchange...

...for comparison to the one I did this afternoon. (Since I was importing it from the laptop to the desktop machine running 4.21, there are some slight changes in camera position and lighting. Oh, and a different set of clothes for Herewiss.)

If the difference looks really subtle at the moment, that's okay. Lorn should be darker than this: Dusty's correctly a bit paler than last time. But it's a start. Further passes will get closer to what I'm after.

...So re-rendered versions of images on the MK website and elsewhere will start turning up with skin tones properly represented. (All this being secondary to cleaning out some of the 30K+ render files that have built up in the machine over the last ten years, and building a new tagging and indexing system for the ones that get kept. Whoopee. But it's gotta be done.)

Meanwhile, back to work on actual writing...

ETA: Meanwhile, no point in getting so caught up in image quality that you forget to move the camera around. Just look at these two idiots. :)

[sophisticatedyet]

if anyone's having a bad day, let me run you through what just happened to me. (content warning for rotten food.)

so, it's 1pm and I'm experiencing a wave of work-related procrastination that's enabling me to get chores done around the house, like empty the food waste bin in the kitchen into the bigger bin outside.

because it's been about a week since I last took the bins out, the food at the bottom has been in there long enough to rot causing the compostable bag its in to also start decomposing. no biggie, it happens: I grab another compostable bag, tip the bin on its head to avoid touching the icky rotting food, chuck a couple of very old bananas from the fruit bowl on the top, tie it off, and throw it in the outside food bin. great job me!

a little while later, I go to reassemble the kitchen bin and the lid's... not... there? it's not anywhere in the kitchen? the answer to the mystery where this lid has gone immediately presents itself to me, but I reject it and do another look, until I can't deny the obvious, and go check the outside bin.

to set the scene: it's a really nice, sunny day today. it feels like the first proper day of spring we've had all year. wildlife abounds: there are butterflies feeding on the cherry blossoms, the fish in the pond have come out for the first time since autumn. the bin is made of brown plastic that's warmed nicely in the afternoon rays. there's a little cloud of flies buzzing around me as I approach.

I open the bin and there, straining against the bags, is a corner of the lid.

there's nothing for it at this point, I'm not buying a whole new food bin because of my stupidity, so I rip open the first bag, BUT remember how I cleverly double-bagged the waste to avoid having to touch icky food? oh-hoho. I hate myself.

but fine. whatever. I rip open the next layer, like I'm playing the world's worst game of pass the parcel. this layer has been marinating in bin juices long enough to revert to a texture that's difficult to describe, but it's how I imagine an organ feels to the touch: slippery and wet and hot. at least it falls apart quite easily (along with my mental state).

I grab what I can of the lid and try to pull it out, but it only slides a few centimetres before jamming to a halt on the three rotting bananas that I added to the pile at the last moment. I try to wiggle them out the way but they aren't budging so I pinch one between my thumb and index finger. It's old enough that the skin slides away immediately, and my fingers sink into the meat of the banana. THIS is an easier texture to describe: it feels like warm snot. (I am reflexively crying at this point.) still, now that the skin it out the way, I can force the lid through the mucus. i have to repeat this process two more times before finally, the lid is free. (there's something on my finger, and I genuinely don't know if it's a grain of rice or a maggot.)

the saga's not entirely done, though, because the refuse collectors in my area don't take your food waste if it's not bagged, and I now have a bin full of scraps of plastic and a heap of rotten food. I use some egg shells to scoop up what i can and throw them into the gaping hole at the top of the bag and then it's I'm done.

obviously, I immediately run inside and start scrubbing my hands. something weird is happening, though: there are these spot of brown-and-yellow that just. won't. come. off. it's literally like I've super-glued rotting food to my hands?????

...I turn to look at the table.

...at the superglue I had been using thirty minutes earlier to fix a clasp on a broken box.

i am beyond tears at this point: the whole situation has gone past through horrifying into an absurdity so profound I must be dreaming.

I eventually scratch off the super-glued rotten food from my fingers (I don't know how long it takes me because I have detached myself from reality) and then wash my hands another hundred times before finally sitting back down at my computer because it's 2pm and a work day. I read half an email, before I'm interrupted by a strange noise that sounds like a gentle trickle of water. I turn around and my cat is in her litter box, butt positioned just on the edge, pissing directly onto the floor.

[lunadeathbed]

★ Popular ★

I've only seen fics of Our Life Now And Forever MC’s being shy and quiet. So I decided to make a fc with a popular MC for fun. It occurs during step one.

BLUE : MC

PINK : Tamarak

ORANGE : Qiu

★ Autumn Has Always Been My Favourite Season : 1) Popular ★

Yet again you sat on the plastic slippery red chair next to Tamarack. Mrs Murray was talking about… something? You hadn't really been paying attention, of course you enjoyed Mrs Murray's teaching but today…

Today you had been sucked into your imagination and thoughts.

You were popular.

You thought at least, Ma had said you were. She talked about how whenever you were around people they liked to hang around you.

The fact that you were new already dragged a lot of attention to you in the first place.

You knew Qiu was popular but you didn't think you were as popular…

Were you?

You hung around Qiu a lot. Ever since you arrived at Golden Grove you had stuck with him and Tamarack, and they chose to stick with you too.

It was only nature that you'd end up talking to Qiu’s fans and admirers at some point. Maybe they'd turned into your fans too?

Tamarack and Qiu said that you were cool, smart, kind, interesting, and all that stuff but you never thought about it too much. It was sort of hard for you to believe that you were actually all that, originally you thought they were just being nice but… Maybe you really were that and more, enough for people to actually want to get to know you.

Absentmindedly you taped your cool gell pen against the hard wood surface of your little desk.

Tap, tap, tap.

With every tap of your pen you seemed to get further and further into thought.

Maybe because Qiu chose to hang out with you people though you were cool too?

You flipped open you travel sized sketch book and began doodling aimlessly.

You smiled softly looking at it, Qiu and Tamarack had bought it together for your birthday.

It was sort of weird that people wanted to follow you around like minions.

You thought about lunch time. You routine was roughly the same every day but there was always a little fan group around you.

You didn't eaven notice until now.

You traced the edge of the small book. The cover was made of a sleek black leather with little painted on silver stars and moons. In the front page there was a note written by Qiu and Tamarack had drew you a little picture of all three of you.

You were pulled out of your thoughts as you felt someone tap your shoulder.

“What's up?”

You answered without looking at who it was first. You closed your scetchbook at looked at whoever needed you attention.

It was Qiu with Tamarack standing right next to him.

“Oh!”

“Hi.”

“Hey, are you coming it's lunch?”

Qiu looks at you with his trademark smile shineing brightly.

It never failed to make your heart race every time. You smiled softly at the both of them.

“Yeah.”

You stood up and pushed the hard plastic chair back into its place and of your little trio went to the cafeteria.

“Are you ok?”

“You seem spacy.”

“Yeah, you were zoning out for the whole of class.”

“I'm fine.”

You smile happily walking into the cafeteria and up to the line with them.

“Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Being popular.”

“Popular?”

“What do you mean?”

Tamarak and Qiu both look puzzled by what you said.

“Well…”

You trailed of thinking about what to say next.

“I’ve noticed that there's always a group of people around us… sort of like fans or something. I dunno, it's stupid. Nevermind.”

“No! You've said it now you have to finish!”

Qiu looks at you teasingly and Tamarack bounced up and down on the balls of her feat.

“Yeah! Come onnnn.”

You laugh softly at there antics.

“mmh, ok then.”

“I mean, I think we're like a little exclusive group of cool kids to everyone else.”

Qiu shrugs before his trademark smile returned.

“We are cool.”

“Yeah! Super cool!”

“I guess we are.”

This fic is sort of just a setup for a series I'm trying to write, I'm sick right now so I might get more writing done :)

[nestingtendencies]

Hello, my lovelies!

For some reason I don't post here often as just... me - the person behind NestingTendencies. I'm not quite sure why this is; I guess most of my crafting needs are catered to by Ravelry, as a platform. But I do realise that I have many, many wonderful followers, who have been regularly reblogging both the patterns that have piqued my interests and my own creations. And for that I am very grateful!

So I'd like to try and be a bit more social here; get to know you a little, learn what projects you're working on, and show you what's on my own hook!

First up is the Mariposa Sweater which has been the bane of my existence sole focus of my work since January!

You see, one of my new year's resolutions was to grow as a crafter beyond shawls, which are my specialty, and make sosme sweaters and jumpers! I've been having urges for those since last autumn and by now the craving cannot be ignored any longer.

So this is my first ever crocheted sweater, right? Do I bother with a gauge swatch?

No. Gauge swatches are for the weak.

Pretty soon I realise that my crochet is much, much tighter than the author's. Do I go back and try a size bigger? Do I increase the hook size to obtain the right gauge?

No. I decide that I know better, and I understand enough about how raglan works to just wing it. The joy of making a garment yourself is that you can make it fit your personal body contours perfectly, right?

So long story short, I am now on Mariposa the Second (First one is here) and I have frogged SUBSTANTIAL NUMBERS OF ROWS (like, all of the yoke for example) - wait for it - upwards of 20 times. Yes, 20. Not an exaggeration. If I hadn't done that, I could have probably about 4 completed Mariposas by now.

But no. The Gods have cursed me with a perfectionist streak. So we live and we learn and we carry that burden with us.

The photos in this post are the latest of the most correct version of this top that I currently have. My New Hope. My baby. I'm going to be sharing more WIP photos in the future.

The only good news is that as soon as I figure this sweater out, I'm going to have meticulous notes, which will give me the exact stitch sounts for my measurements and unlock the door to other jumpers like this one, of which I want to make at least 3.

And then there are other sweater patterns. 74 of them currently in my library. At least a dozen literally burning a hole in my consciousness - I want to start them immediately right now yesterday!!! Look look!

Elara Pullover - This is want in gradient purples, like an autumnal sunset

Chevie Sweaer - This I want in greys and golden ochres. I love the stitch used.

Don't Scrap That Raglan - Aaaah, Moss Stitch my favouritest stitch ever and I've almost improvised a sweater like this before!

Cosmopolitan Sweater - This I want in solid teal. Alpine stitch could well become my new mistress. It's also probably THE sweater I should have started with as my first project...

Peony Tee - I am in love with the funky-coloured contrasting sleeves and the raglan concept

Bridgette Ballet Neck Pullover - Ballet necks are my weakess...

Cap Sleeve Top - This I had a little romance with before, oh, about 8 years ago and it was shaping up beautifully in navy - I have all the yarn that I need for it.

Isop Sweater - I really want to learn this fair isle technique of making yokes, because I saw this pornographically beautiful set of 2 knitted sweaters in just the perfect colours and I'd like to do equvalent crochet versions, no I'm not at all trying to run before I can walk, why you ask?

Many of them much easier than Mariposa. Many of them not so tailored to the figure.

But no. Mariposa.

I have been buying up yarn in bulk again. This is how I know I'm in trouble.

But what about you guys? Do you have a Nemesis Project that has been kicking your ass for ages? Do you get overly ambitious like me? Or do you make your gauge swatches and avoid pissing off the Gods of Yarn, like sensible people?

[machifuwa]

Autumn Cafeteria | Chapter 5

A week later. At the Meeting Room in the ES Building.

Tsumugi: Sorry to keep you waiting, Shu-kun~

Shu: You're late, Aoba. I already got one job done while I was waiting.

Hm? That parfait...

Tsumugi: Here is the new menu. I sent a photo through Hold Hands, but I wanted you to actually try it. We borrowed the kitchen of the company cafeteria in order to make it.

Shu: Why did you have to bring it yourself? If you told me, I could have come to the cafeteria myself and eat it there you know.

Tsumugi: That's true, but... I couldn't bear to bother Shu-kun, who just came back from Paris. Are you feeling okay? Any jet lag?

Shu: Long trips are tiring, but I've been back home every once in a while. I'm used to it by now.

Anyway, let's have the parfait now. I'm glad to have a supply of something sweet and cold to keep my mind sharp.

Tsumugi: Also, please try these Salt Cookies. They are said to be a dessert for those who do not like sweet stuff.

Shu: Sounds like a good palate cleanser. I'll have it along with this.

...The sourness of the cherries is stronger than I expected. The sweetness of the whipped cream neutralizes it, making it easy to eat.

Tsumugi: I heard that the cherry was Koga-kun's idea. It was supposed to be a strawberry at first.

The arrangement of the bottom portion was Yuta-kun's idea. The red color makes it look more attractive.

The acidity of the cut cherries and the jellies allow you to eat all the way through without getting heartburn.

Shu: Hoh. I remember that the whole idea was proposed by Suou. So it was a joint development by those three.

Tsumugi: The menu has remained the same since the restaurant opened, and regular customers are ordering it because they are curious about it.

Shu: ...Fumu. Just the regulars? How about new customers?

Tsumugi: As you can see, we've not been able to attract any new interest. I have the impression that it's been limited to the inner circle, or that there has not been enough publicity.

We can also advertise on our social media accounts. I doubt it will lead to continuous sales, but it will still attract attention.

We can't tell them who invented the new sweets, since we're not actually working there.

Above all, as idols, it should gain some publicity. Let's just say that we're currently doing this for personal development only.

It is most likely that we'll get complaints from people, so it's better to not disclose the fact that we were in charge of this.

It would damage us, and it's also disrespectful for the companies that try their best to protect our image.

Shu: So, we're basically limited to doing things. It can't be helped, then.

Tsumugi: Right. So, I was also thinking of taking advantage of the fact that we're idols. It's still not planned well, but...

I'd like NewDi to partner up with the café and provide working experiences for other idols.

Basically, it would have that "place where you can feel closer to your idols" concept.

Shu: ...I'm not sure if I'd like that place to be something like that--where the target audience are our fans.

However, the situation is already bad as it is. That's better than getting the café closed.

The question is whether the owner would agree with that proposal. Will it be all right for him to destroy the original image of this place for the sake of its survival?

Tsumugi: I already went through that. I asked the owner beforehand what things he'd want to be changed vise versa.

Actually, the owner is really determined to keep the original taste of the round bread.

Shu: The original taste of round bread...?

Tsumugi: When I asked about the details, it seemed like it was somewhat connected to the owner's childhood. Unsold bread, specifically round bread, was what the owner grew up eating.

I heard that his parents asked him to take care of the family business, so he ran away in the process.

A long time passed. He worked as an office staff in the city. After hearing the news of his parents' death, he returned home. Since then, the bakery has long gone out of business.

A short time after he left his parents' home, they closed the place with old age as the reason.

The owner missed the taste of the bread, so he looked for the recipe, but was unable to find it.

I guess there wasn't a recipe to begin with, since they were making it based on experience and intuition.

Even so, he's confident that he remembers the taste of the bread that he was forced to eat as a child, so he tried recreating it, but he hasn't succeeded at all.

As a result, the café was built in order to preserve the memory of his parents' bakery.

Shu: ......

...For some reason, I want to eat that round bread now.

Tsumugi: Actually, me too. Shall we buy some later?

previous | mastelist | next

translated by machi and mars

[waterflowing-under-ground]

Tell your good friends

You love them all doubtlessly

Wordless and senseless without reservation

Now's the time

Now's the time

Now's the time

Now's the time

Tell your good friends you love them without complaint

This road stretched for miles, straddled the countryside

Licking the hills with autumn decay

A fire that burned the bright gold covered forest down

This is the end of all that you thought was good

This is the end of reckless young energy

Breathless suspense and restless potential

This is the end

This is the end

This is the end...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This song from an obscure indie band from the mid-2000's I saw live once, opening for Andrew Bird when he was still just breaking into the scene and played small venues came to mind as I've been sitting with and processing grief that's aged 15 years, and reflecting on my most significant friendship of a quarter century, all because I decided to re-read Andrzej Sapkowski's The Witcher saga. It hit me hard then, but it's hitting differently now as a 40-something.

When I was 26 (I'm 41 now), I lost a close friend who was 27 years old at the time. I was very involved in post-death events after he died (suddenly, expectedly, and unfortunately, violently).

I helped his mom (who is also sadly no longer with us either as of a few years ago) clean his belongings out of his apartment which was one of the most surreal and disconcerting experience of my life.

She gave me the textbook from an undergrad class he and I happened to attend together years prior (we had known each other outside of the community college we took that class at, but being in that class together was the catalyst for becoming as close as we did) and all of his comic books.

I was asked to contribute to the eulogy for his celebration of life. I spent so much time with his family. I had vivid dreams about him nearly every night. And I didn't cry, not really, for several weeks. I was in shock. He was 27. It was not real. We'd had plans to hang out the Friday before he died (which happened on that following Monday) and I cancelled because I was tired. But the last time I heard his voice, it was a cheerful little chat on the phone. I remember he said, "awesome sauce, let's try again when you're feeling better." And it was not real.

Well, it wasn't real yet. Until it was. And it hit me all at once one random afternoon when I was sitting alone in my living room. It was quiet. And it was suddenly real.

The immediate post-death events were done and there weren't any more planned. And it hit me suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, that he was really gone forever, that I'd never see him or speak to him ever again, that this wasn't just a nightmare that I was having that I would wake up from any moment now. My dear, sweet, lovely, funny, intelligent, loyal affectionate, outspoken, wildly eccentric friend was gone. Forever.

That's when I heard a voice come out of my body I'd never heard before, something that sounded like it wasn't even coming from me or even a human being. I was screaming until my throat went raw, and then I was sobbing. I've never screamed like that since.

And I was alone. Just me and my grief finally catching up to me, weeks after my friend had gone. Me and the debt, the price I had to pay for loving someone, for the precious 8 years of friendship we had shared. Because I think of grief as the debt we pay for being able to love.

So tell your friends how much you care about them, how much you love them. It's not too mushy to do that. It's not too sentimental or cloying or whatever negative label someone wants to slap on being affectionate and demonstrative and vocal about your love for someone. It's important. I like to hope I did a decent job of showing him while he was alive, I hope he knew, but I always wish I'd done more, said more.

With the other friend in my life who I consider equally close to my heart, my BFF of 25 years, I recently decided to tell her I love her using those exact words and telling her how important she is to me. In this post about the Witcher (in particular the Geralt and Dandelion friendship), I mentioned that my friend tends usually not to be the touchy-feely type (but that it doesn't make her any less loving or caring or supportive because she is all those things to be clear). If you read that post it'll hopefully make sense why I brought that up.

But in any case, I saw her recently and decided to tell her some things. Because, to be honest, my Witcher re-read (because the Witcher has much to say about grief and loss along with myriad other aspects of the human experience and human conceits) got me thinking about my late friend who I lost over 15 years ago, and my best friend now, who I cherish and love with every part of me, who has seen me through so much, has seen the ugly bits of me as well when I was at my lowest, and who still loves and supports me, enjoys me because she loves me for who I am, considers me enough (as I am, in my unfiltered form in all my autistic and mentally ill glory), and chooses me after all this time. Because I am enough. And for me, she is enough, I love every part of her, I've seen her through low times and when she wasn't well, and I still chose her because she's my friend, my person, and I wouldn't change a single thing about her. We have both made mistakes and hurt each other's feelings in the past at times (not on purpose but still owned it), but real repair was done in those cases, and it made our bond stronger. And that's real, and as I'm learning as I get older, RARE.

I decided that it was the right time to tell her I love her, actually saying the words, and I was nervous she'd be embarrassed, but to my elated surprise, she was touched, told me she loves me too, and we had a sweet and heartfelt conversation about our history, our love and affection for each other, and our amazing friendship that we're so lucky to still have after a quarter of a century, a deep abiding trust in each other, and how we hope to be old and cantankerous together. She is just as important to me as my live-in partner, and I wanted her to know that. I'm so glad I told her because she clearly appreciated hearing it. And I'm relieved and feel peace after telling her, and after hearing her say the same things to me.

Anyway, people, please tell those important people in your life how much you love and care about them, because they need to know, they need to hear it, and it's important. Because nothing is permanent. Losing someone you love will never be easy, even if you do tell them you love them, but it's still important to do so.

"When he heard the death rattle, Gilgamesh moaned like a dove. His face grew dark. 'Beloved, wait, don't leave me. Dearest of men, don't die, don't let them take you from me.'"

- The Epic of Gilgamesh

"Who are you? You are no one that I know. I am Gilgamesh, who killed Humbaba And the Bull of Heaven with my friend. If you are Gilgamesh and did those things, why Are you so emaciated and your face half-crazed? I have grieved! Is it so impossible To believe? he pleaded. My friend who went through everything with me is dead! No one grieves that much, she said. Your friend is gone. Forget him. No one remembers him. He is dead. Enkidu. Enkidu. Gilgamesh called out: Help me. They do not know you as I know you."

- The Epic of Gilgamesh

"Gilgamesh wept bitterly for his friend. He felt himself now singled out for loss Apart from everyone else. The word Enkidu Roamed through every thought Like a hungry animal through empty lairs In search of food. The only nourishment He knew was grief, endless in its hidden source Yet never ending hunger." Herbert Mason, Gilgamesh: A Verse Narrative

[incendio22]

FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL

Chapter 27: Aftermath

It's been a week since Ominis returned to Hogwarts. Nurse Blainey had done everything in her power to start the process of his recovery. Ominis appeared to be in the exact same state mentally as he was when our 6th year began. This had, of course, broken Imelda's heart. She hadn't been to quidditch practice in a week, spending her entire afternoons next to Ominis trying her very best to make him recall things.

She didn't tell him about their relationship, but focused mainly on restoring other memories. Things like quidditch, classes and other events. In that situation she focused on being his best friend, and not his girlfriend. Of course, she was even unsure whether or not she could call herself his girlfriend any longer since he had absolutely no idea that they had been in a relationship.

I walk into the Undercroft, where Sebastian has spent most of his time awake the last week. He has a book in his lap, but I doubt that he can read in this light. It's probably just comforting for him.

''Hi there,'' I say in a low voice.

He glances up from his book and gives me a sincere smile.

''Hi,'' his voice is soft but sad at the same time.

I sit down next to him and put my head on his shoulder.

''How are you holding up?'' I ask.

''I've been better,'' he says and presses his lips against my forehead. ''But I'm better now that you're here.''

I know how upset Sebastian is about the situation with Ominis. Due to Ominis' state, he is still upset with Sebastian about last year and seems to have no interest in discussions on how he's changed during the year. In fact, he's convinced that it was Sebastian who cast Obliviate on him to make him forget something. Talking to Ominis about Sebastian breaks my heart because I really don't know what we did to make him forgive him this autumn.

''I know that this is upsetting,'' I tell Sebastian. ''But I need you to promise me you won't let this stopping you from forgiving yourself.''

He's silent for a moment.

''It's just so hard,'' he then says. ''This makes it a thousand times harder for me because it feels as if I need to start over.''

''You don't need to start over from the beginning,'' I tell him. ''You just need to take a step back and start from there.''

He lifts my head off his shoulder and gives me a sincere look.

''Thank you,'' he says in a low voice.

My eyes fall to my sweater, where I'm wearing his heart pin on my sleeve. I touch it and feel at ease because it reminds me of our moment of happiness at the lake.

''Anytime, love,'' I say to him.

The last weeks haven't been the most romantic during our relationship since I have tried to be some form of emotional support to him. I have come to believe that love is not just about passion, the kisses and sneaking into the Forbidden Forest. I learned that it's just as much about being there for your person when the entire world feels like it has given up on you. I take his hand and kiss it softly. He puts his hand on my cheek and strokes it. My heart breaks when I think about how he barely asks me how I'm doing, as if this isn't eating me up as well.

When I enter my dormitory I see Imelda lying on the bed, staring into the ceiling. Whenever she is not in the Hospital Wing this is almost always where she is found, lying exactly like this. She doesn't say a word when I come in, nor does she look my way.

''Hi Imelda,'' I let her know that I'm here.

She doesn't reply. I walk over to her bed and sit on it. She glances my way, but as soon as our eyes meet she looks away as if she's ashamed.

''Are you alright?'' I ask her.

''What do you think?'' She asks in a voice that indicates that she's trying to be sarcastic.

''I can't imagine what you must be going through,'' I tell her in an effort to try and comfort her. ''You're a great friend.''

''Except that I'm not,'' she argues. ''I don't want to be his friend, I want to be the love of his life. And I'm an awful friend because I can't be friends with him.''

I don't know what to tell her, because there really is nothing I can say to ease her pain. In all of this I feel as if I'm trying to carry everyone else's pain in efforts to forget my own.

''He already fell in love with you once,'' I say softly. ''And I mean, have you seen yourself? He's gonna fall just as hard again. He just needs time.''

She gives me an angry look.

''Do you think I have forgotten?'' She spits at me as she sits up. ''I remember the first time I felt a little spark between him and me. I remember the first time our hands touched. I remember our first kiss. I remember everything and that kills me. My heart is breaking whenever I see him because there's no guarantee anything will come back. And I don't want to give myself any false hopes.''

I sit silently. Maybe I should just not have said anything at all. It feels as if all my efforts to make things right or comfort people just upsets them. I walk out into the Common Room, leaving Imelda alone and sit in front of the windows facing the lake. In this moment I feel like an open wound, bleeding and hurting. And when I think about how I try to be there for everyone else, I feel incredibly alone. Because right now, no one is here to comfort me.

Students make noises around me, but I don't leave my spot in front of the window. I hear someone making fun of me, but I couldn't care less. It may sound ridiculous, but it almost feels comforting to know that someone sees me. Even if it's to joke on my behalf. I'm not sure how long I sit there and I don't care. The common room echoes with emptiness and I find comfort in the solitude. I just wish that it was Sebastian I could find comfort in, instead of solitude. Of course I find comfort in him, but that's because he is my safe place. Not because he is trying to be my place of comfort, like I am trying to be to him.

I decide to take a walk around the castle and I end up where I always do when I wander. In the astronomy tower. Even though it's spring, the nights are still cold. I stare at the sky, admiring the stars and sink into admiration. I am interrupted by steps behind me that seem to stop when they see me.

''Y/n?'' The voice is familiar but I can't place who it is.

I turn around and see Garreth looking confused.

''What on earth are you doing here at this hour?'' he asks while giving me a confused look.

I turn back around and face the sky.

''I could ask you the same thing,'' I tell him. ''I just couldn't sleep, so I came here.''

He comes closer and stands next to me.

''Yeah, this really is the perfect place for sleepless nights,'' he says in a low voice. ''Why couldn't you sleep?''

He might be the first person in a week asking me how I am. I should be thrilled to feel that someone cares about me, but I feel nothing.

''I guess I'm just nervous about all the exams coming up,'' I lie.

He looks at me and raises his eyebrows.

''Yeah, if you say so,'' he obviously saw through my lie.

''What brings you here, then?'' I ask him. I'm not in the mood to talk, but I don't want to be rude.

''Same as you, I suppose,'' he says in a short tone. I assume he's lying too, but I'm fine with it. ''Anyway, I haven't seen Sebastian around lately. Is he okay?''

I really don't want to talk about Sebastian. All day I've been trying not to think about him and the first person who actually asks about me, decides to talk about him.

''He's been better,'' I tell him in a short tone.

''Oh. I get it,'' Garreth says in a kind tone. ''What's the deal with the two of you anyway?''

I look at him. Why would he bring up such a thing at this moment? And what do I tell him? That Sebastian is my boyfriend and our relationship was perfect, then our best friend saved the wizarding world and now he hates him and is distant towards me?

''What do you mean?'' I ask in hopes that he asks something more specific.

''I don't know,'' Garreth shrugs his shoulders and look out into the night sky. ''I just never thought he treated you properly.''

At this moment my small amount of gratitude towards Garreth fades away. I might be disappointed in Sebastian, but no one else gets to talk badly about my boyfriend to me. No matter how much I want to talk about him with someone, I will never do it with a person who doesn't seem to know a thing about us. I miss Ominis' cleverness.

''Oh, you know a lot about us?'' I say in a sarcastic tone.

''No, no, no,'' Garreth says quickly. ''I didn't mean to intrude or anything. I just never thought he showed you much appreciation, you know. I know you hang out a lot, I just never see him, making any efforts for you.''

And now I understand why Sebastian wanted us to keep our relationship private. So that no one would have anything to talk about, nothing to speculate about. I remember it so clearly, him explaining that the only thing that mattered was how we were to each other and how we make each other feel. Yet, I am even more infuriated when I realize that not only are people talking about it, but he also doesn't make me feel good right now.

''Yeah, because you just happen to know everything that happens when no one else is around?'' I spit out.

''Y/n, '' Garreth says calmly. ''Relax, it's nothing personal. I'm just really confused about how he can have someone like you and not be desperate to show it off.''

I give him an angry eye. His words are kind, but he doesn't know anything.

''I'm done,'' I tell him and walk away with fast steps.

I walk back to the common room filled with fury and disappointment, laying in bed and once again sleepless.

[todayinmagicalgirlhistory]

Adventures in the Astral #5: Missing Head

It's been a while since I talked about any spirit/fae work specific stories and after my recent guide post I made, I felt like talking about an instance I had with some death fae. It's autumn, the time for spooks. Even though now that I think about it, this took place spring of last year and it involved helping a dullahan find it's missing head.

Without going into all the detail's about my friend's business, there was a place they were trying to explore in the astral. According to them, this was a place they'd seen since they were a kid and I can't remember the specifics but they needed to scope the place out.

The only problem inhibiting exploration? A really aggressive dullahan guarding the area.

Whether it was a territorial thing or a 'keeping you away for your own good' thing, they didn't really know. Interesting additional info: my friend didn't see their head something that caught their eye because the last time they'd seen a dullahan, they had seen a head.

First thing that came to my mind? The head was lost.

So I asked my friend if they didn't mind if I checked things out since I work pretty closely with death fae like banshee and dullahan. And I figured, I could ask a few friends from the Death Court to help investigate because regardless of whether or not this could be someone my someone's knew, I figured the dullahan in question would be a less on guard if other death fae were involved in communicating with them.

Don't get me wrong, every dullahan is different but it's pretty rare (at least for me) that you'll see one without their head anywhere on their person or by their person.

So a couple days pass and I connect with a banshee friend and relay to her what's going on with my other friend and this dullahan. And the two of us come to an agreement that it is likely a lost/missing head situation. Glamouring isn't a rarity for dullahan, it's done in instances where they need to protect their head.

I've alluded to black markets on the astral in a previous post of mine, my selkie guide post discussing how selkie coats can end up there. Dullahan heads can also end up there being seen as valuable and exotic goods. Disgusting, I know.

But in this particular case, we came to the conclusion it was lost simply because this dullahan, in addition to their aggression, never left the area. If it was a matter of them trying to keep their head out of view from a possible threat while passing by, that would have been it. Just a possible threat to hide it from while the dullahan went on their business.

But for them to stick to the area constantly? Their head had to have been missing in the area and unable to find it themselves the next best thing they could do was keep others out to minimize the risk of someone else finding it and then pawning it off.

With that idea in mind, and a couple of dullahan in tow as a show of good faith they contacted this dullahan and our suspicions were confirmed. Their head had been taken and hidden in the area that they were guarding and the prick that took it was somewhere close by hoping to catch the dullahan slipping again to grab it once more and take off to who knows where with their head.

Thankfully this story does have a happy ending to it though with this dullahan's head being found and the prick in question being banished. I'm pretty sure it does not need to be explicitly said, but you absolutely do not take a dullahan's head. It's more than disrespectful and there really isn't enough time in the day to talk about how terrible it is that there are instances where a dullahan's head is stolen and they're never able to get it back.

I'm just glad this wasn't one of those stories.