#Kyle's doing his very best with the best intentions and yet does so horribly

[mantequillamcwhoremick]

Thinking about when I had my best friend read chapter 7 of Chaos Plan and he wouldn't stop scrutinizing and fucking DESTROYING Kyle for every little thing that he said and did and in the end I told my friend "that's funny actually because the way I wrote him was inspired by you" and he got so mad he hung up on me

[popculturebuffet]

Scottrospective: Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness

Welcome back my Scottaholics! We’re moving right along fun and fancy free just a few days later from Book 2 to 3. Which fits: As I mentioned in my review of book 1 I first encountered Scott, Ramona and Wallace in a free comic book story, and VERY intrigued, bought volumes 2 and 3 from the same comic shop after reading it in line.. or maybe I went there again later and bought them. My brain is a foggy sinkhole. Point is I was hooked from then on out, and bought the next three volumes as I came out, and through the internet because by then i’d leanred to use Amazon. Ironic given Ramona’s work for them is not only iconic to the series but plot important in volumes 1 and 2. As is Scott’s package toss in the movie. But the story of my long wait for volume 4 can wait for February. Point is it was these two and Free Scott PIlgrim are the ones I poured over again and agian, obessing over as a teen and the ones that stick in my brain the most.  But even with that last time the exaustive process of covering it exposed a LOT of volume 2′s weakness: While it has a lot of iconic scenes, including Scott accidently convincing a man to skateboard himself to death, the Ramona and Knives fight, the envy call, the flashback, and is still very enjoyable..it also feels the most like a collection of loose events out of the books. Good stuff and character and tone wise better than last time.. but not quite as narratively strong. The series was GETTING there, the art was solidfiying into it’s final form, the characters were in the right place, SCott was more likeable.. but it hadn’t quite hit it’s stride yet.  Three guesses when it did and the first two didn’t count. Infinite Sadness is one of my favorite volumes, along with 4 and 6. And while part of that is nostaliga and a personal connection.. the bulk of it is just this volume being even BETTER on the re-read. I picked up subtle bits that I didn’t notice before that only enritched the experince, the pacing is sublime, the character work is top notch and compelling, the art work is finally crystlalized into what the series is known for, and would only get even better as it goes, and the fights are some of the series best. This is one hell of a story and I warmly invite you to join me as I break it down after the break.

Previously on Scott Pilgrim: Scott defeated Lucas Lee, the second Evil Ex, met Luke Wilson, and prepared to go to his ex girlfriend’s concert despite this being a terrible idea to discuss a gig. It was there he and Ramona found out Envy’s base player Todd, the douchenozzle who she cheated on Scott with, is also the douchenozzle Ramona cheated on Lucas with. 

So we open.. exactly from that moment, with Scott and Ramona starring wide eyed while the band plays in an utterly dazzling sequence that’s been brought up a notch in the color remaster. Also one of a handful of moments that was barely touched from page to screen, with only slight adaptations to make it better on screen, and the addition of Metric’s now iconic “Black Sheep”. And when reading the scene.. I couldn’t resisit turning black sheep on as it matched it perfectly..  so yeah have the Clash at the Demonhead performance from the film

So while that worms it’s way into your head, let’s talk about the character designs for Clash Of the Demonhead, since volume 2 is the last time in the color editions O’Malley really talks about character origins and stuff. I could’ve missed something of course, we’ll see as we go won’t we. I just saved it for here as the Volume 2 review was running a bit long as is and while their shown on covers and on the back cover of the black and white edition, they don’t show up in person and in their full glory till the last panel, hence saving it for here where Envy and Todd are the main antagonists and Lynette is... plot relevant. 

Envy was based on the front woman for the band Metric, Emily Haines, designed much like hanes to be a tough, confrotnational, sexy woman, his words not mine, who’d gone through a lot of change in a few years since according to him, and i’m willing to take his word for it since I don’t know the band outside of the one song he picked for the movie, a lot of the bands songs are about that. And honeslty it makes me want to check them out more, as does how awesome black sheep is I can’t belivie I took this long, and is supremely intresting as I hadn’t realized there was a good reason there wasn’t just an original song written for clash at the demonhead. I mean if you base your character on the frontwoman for a band why NOT use one of their songs.

Speaking of band, Plumtree’s drummer, Lynette Gillis, was the inspiration for Lynette Gycott, though the final version of her is more cold and robotic and less like Gillis than initially envisioned. 

Finally Todd..was based on Scott, and while he evolved out from that a bit especially in powers.. the concept basically stuck as Todd is a stronger, dumber, more agressive and douchey version of Scott whose mistreatment of women is far more deliberate than Scott’s untetional douchebaggery. 

So after some interview segments for some sort of documentary on the band with the crowd, we cut to our heroes after the show, all standing around and being nervous. Stephen’s first words are “Decent show eh, told you they were good”. 

Admitely re-reading this one and answering a reader question, unrealted but it got me to thinking, made me realize Stephen wasn’t AS much of a dick as I thought: I didn’t think about the fact Scott and Envy’s blow up cost him their old band which was close to singing, and that Scott both as revealed in volume 3 and in bits here, was kind of a dick towards the end, intitating the breakup while drunk and belligernt and saying a facepunchingly dickish comment we’ll get to. So he wasn’t BLAMELESS and it’s understandable Stephen dosen’t hate her as much. She was friends with his horrible albatross of a girlfriend and didn’t break his heart. 

However.. he’s still an asshole and deserve jeff blim’s theatrical fuck you up there. He still ignores Scott’s pain, or the fact that most of the breakup WAS Envy’s fault as we’ll see. We’ll get into it in full obviously but for the cliffs notes so I can yell at a fictional grumpy closted canadian man: She slowly drifted away from him, treated him like he had no say in a band he helped found or took his feelings into account in the record deal, and cheated on him with Todd and possibly another guy. And as seen here she used her fame to bribe her ex and friends into showing up just so, as we see, she can torture him and his new girlfriend a bit. Envy is not a good person and Stephen is ignoring that and his friends VERY obvious emtoinal turmoil. Especially dickish since by this point Scott has clearly swallowed his pride and agreed to a show with someone who really DEEPLY hurt him for Stephen and Kim’s sake.. and he’s not even remotely greatful for it clearly. The only reason  he’s not the biggest asshole left in the building is because Todd, Envy and Julie, queen of bitches, is in there. 

So after a save point gag that goes nowhere, Envy shows up to take the group back stage... awkward, uncomfortable and very intentional silence insues to makes Scott even more sweaty and nervous and Ramona visably and understandably annoyed. Knives tries to talk to her hero but gets ignored because Envy’s a bitch.. and so’s Julie who not only joins in the shunning of a fucking teenager who clearly loves this band, but also is clearly trying to conversationally surgically attach her lips to Envy’s ass. Her toadying is obnxoious as you’d expect and as transparent as you’d expect, trying to drudge up old nostalgia while Envy’s clearly barely intrested, and the only thing that makes it more tolerable than normal Julie is Envy clearly barely tolerates this and likely is only going with it because she could be a useful minon in the future. 

Thankfully this is broken up. Unthakfully it’s by knives shouting her most iconic line: 

Given Envy is shown to not be the best person.. her response is to have her cyborg goon belt knives in the face

Which leads to an even better line seconds later

Envy then to just .. complete the circle of being a bitch has NEil take knives out then mocks her when Julie explains why knives and neil were even here. And it’s VERY telling that even Julie, who was must minutes from humping envy’s leg and begging to go with her when she leaves, is visably put off by Envy’s attitude. So while Ramona is understandably fucking done with this, as even she has some shred of sympathy for the teenager who tried to stab her a day ago, Scott has to take a minute to have a flashback. We see two brief bits of Scott with Envy, at the start of their college band Kid Chamelon where they were all happy.. and shortly after the breakup where Scott is miserable, in the middle of the street, sadly saying their name while saying “I’m so alone”.. explaning that desert bit from volume 1.. and making it ten times more painful. Nicely done Brian. 

So with Knives gone we get our usual character age intros and descriptoins, my favioritte being Stephen “wants a damn buritto dammit” which I can relate to and thankfully got it monday. He also does show a bit more of his noble self as, things have escalated to the point even he can see Envy has some sort of evil scheme planned and he walked right into it so he asks what her ulterior motive is. Julie pipes up with “She dosen’t NEED ulterior motives she was written up with in spin!”

So Envy grills Ramona a bit clearly trying to make her squirm..though at least when Julie TRIES to jump in she shoots her down, like some asshole pulling a yappy dog on it’s leash hard. Eventually Scott flips out and .. well I don’t want to overpanel this review but this is just.. quotes cannot do this justice. 

The result.. is the reveal Todd is psychic due to being a vegan and he throwing scott through a wall with telkenisis, kyle!

It’s explained he has these powers because he’s a vegan and even was top of his class at the vegan academy. Citation... needed. Not because of his power but because Todd may be one of the stupidest beings that’s ever lived. And I once had a friend whose other friend told me, since they’d be going to diffrent high schools and he was trying to pass off his mummies curse of keeping him from destroying himself with his own stupidity, tried to run into a wall to loose weight. No I don’t get how this would’ve worked but having known the guy I guarnatee he was arrogant and dumb enough at the time to try it. Nowadays I assume he’s much better... I assume. You.. you’d have to be to have survived another decade. 

Todd is also THAT kind of smug dickhead. Thankfully I haven’t met one in real life or online, as the two vegetarians I have known, one of my best friends micheal and my uncle drew, the former of whom now also eats fish and the latter of whom gave it up once he moved to places he could get meat that was raced humanely easier, but who I still respect for having that amount of self control. But Todd is a clear parody of the type of vegan and vegetarian who think their better than everyone.. by thinking he’s even BETTER than regular vegans because not every vegan can take the strain of psychic powers, with Kim naturally sniping at him.. then flipping him off when he says “don’t get snippy babe” and is very lucky he has psychic powers as otherwise he’d suddenly be wondering where his dick is and why kim’s holding a broken bottle. 

Brian also pokes fun at the old 90 percent of your brain trope. You know the old one that claims you only use 10 percent.. 

But it’s only because your only ACTIVELY using it and the rest is simply other functions. But hey we got Deathstroke out of that claim so good enough. Todd claims it’s because the other 90 percent is curds and whey. This might be the greatest use of this outdated trope in human history. No.. no.. it is. It exactly is. 

Envy brags that’s why he can’t beat him having clearly traded disappearing up her own ass  for disappearing up todd’s, Julie was also crammed up there, it was getting crowded. Envy claims to have been with todd since age 11.. which.. is more.. delusion than anything and she brushes off Ramona rightfully pointing out that’d mean he cheated on her with Ramona as Rammy trying to distract her and trying to smack talk SCott more who has another flashback. 

SOME YEARS AGO.. I DUNNO 5? 5 YEARS AGO?

We see Scott’s first meeting with Envy, who was rooming with Julie. Julie, it might shock you.. has not changed at all in 5 or so years. She’s seen bitching at her roomate Natalie V. Adams, the future Envy, for not wanting to get drunk and high and for hanging out in her room with all her anime posters and stuff. As you can tell, she’s a vastly diffrent person at this point, a nerdy interverted otaku and as you can probably guess now the flashbacks have started at the top, we’ll be seeing how she became the sexpot rockstar she is now and how that drove a wedge betwene her and Scott. Julie SHOCKINGLY does not take this well and as Stephen to kil lher if she ever becomes friends with her. I mean I would but If I could travel into fictional works I certainly woudln’t be wasting my time murdering Julie. I’d be asking kim out and trying to get into some cool video game ablities myself. I ain’t got time for that bitch. 

Next cut Julie is ... even worse as she’s calling Scott some “jerky jerky ladykiller”, pointing out he’s hooked up with recurring background characters Sandra and Monique. Now GRANTED, Scott could’ve hurt them and Julie could be right for once..  we’ve seen he has a history of being an insenstive douche by pure accident. But.. from the sounds of it given his encounters with Sandra and Monique were both in seperate ladies rooms, as in casual hookups I assume are common in universities. As long as he used a condom and dind’t lie about being in it longterm, who the hell does it hurt. Same if he and Natlie ended up being that. He’s not a “ladykiller” if he got busy on a washroom sink. He just had casual sex in an awful location and given Scott is both horny and stupid freqently, I could buy he either inittated it clumsily and sandra and or monqiue went for it, or one of them thought he was cute and wanted a quick one with him and it just never went anywhere either due to lack of intrest or Scott being kind of a moron. I don’t buy he INTENTIONALLY hurt anyone, he MIGHT of hurt Sandra she seems kind of ditzy and might’ve not realized it wans’t serious.. but it just entirely sounds like a casual, consesual one time hookup with two seperate women. And as long as he wore a condom and repsected their needs what the fuck is it Julie’s buisness. BEcause their here freinds? I mean they told her but they weren’t expecting her to play dick sheirff with scott probably. And Natlie is not her buisness: their not really friends.. she’s just trying to ruin Scott’s day.  I honestly get the sense she only hates Scott because she can’t get rid of him, Stephen won’t dump him as a friend and he fucked her friends once. Which makes me hate her MORE. Natlie/Envy however also calls bullshit and thinks Scott’s much too awkward to be a ladykiller. Accurate. I mean he’s good with women and gets dates easily, he’s just not inteitonally leaving them high and dry. He’s just not great with empathy. 

Scott snaps back to the present and gets pissed.. and we get the real reason for the outburst as he shouts “You you ass! She USED to be NICE!”. It’s very clear that Scott blames Todd for Envy’s change into an cold and cruel person. But .. that’s not on him entirely. I do think Envy’s cattier, more cruel “play with prey like a cat with a mouse” personality at this point is due to Todd feeding into her worse impulses.... but the flashbacks make clear even before she saw him again she was slowly changing as a person for better, gaining a drive and passion for music.. and for worse, shutting scott out cheating on him and generally not carring about anything but her career, especially Scott. As much as he wants to belivie it she didn’t MAGICALLY change into a bitch overnight and beating todd won’t fix that. She became what she is as a choice. Todd just made what she became worse. 

After the predictable result of Scott getting flung into the air and falling back down, he has another flashback and we see the next phase of their relationship: Scott, Envy and Stephen playing in a band for Stacey and Wallace (!), whose hair is certainly a... choice. And the two falling in love and julie grilling scott on if he and nat are a couple because why stop making me wish for a bus to hit you NOW Jules?

So we then get ANOTHER iconic line and another scene that was perfectly translated into the film

Comic gold no matter the medium.. Brandon Routh just nailed it and I watched the scene again before writing this just out of curoisty. Flawless stuff. Check it out

I will say however that while Movie!Envy’s response of just quickly covering is pretty funny.. I prefer the comic’s envy’s utterly baffled and pissed off “What are you talking about Todd?”. Even she can’t fathom what the fuck just happened. But since it’s late and Todd’s brain is pretty fried, Envy calls for everyone to get some sleep and they’ll regroup tommorow at 1pm at Honest Ed’s. Honest Ed’s WAS a famous discount Store in Canada that sadly closed in 2016, making what ‘s about to happen to it here sad in hindsight. It was known for big sales, big spectacle and i’ts larger than life owner who sadly passed a few years after this volume. But god bless him for giving this series one of it’s best settings. More on that when we get there for now FLASHBACK

Back in College, we see Nat’s change into envy as she sells all her stuff for some bitching new boots and cd’s and during sex with Scott asks him to start calling her Envy. Their still somewhat happy, as the next flashback has Scott remembering their 8 month anniversary and her playfully mocking him as the girl.. before we get a much starker one of him telling her he loved her and her not responding.. and looking at him.. more.. bored than anything. 

Back in the present our heroes try to wait out the rain under a bank thing, can relate to the times i’ve visted the city and came out to rain, and when that fails Kim says she’s off and will see them at practice and tells Stephen to blow her when he asks her if she’s going to Honest Ed’s, then seems genuinly confused if he pissed her off before heading home. Swing and a miss stevie, swing and a miss. 

Scott is hungry and sorta drags Ramona, whose not in the mood for anything, over to Pizza Pete’s a nearbye eatery. It’s there they happen to run into Other Scott... Other Scott is another guy named Scott. He dosen’t do much in the books. But the name Other Scott is objectively funny and he is objectively nice so he’s fine in my book and I applaud the movie for using him as Wallace’s love intrest. Though I wouldn’t be REMOTELY suprised if they were fucking in the books too. And of course with him is Wallace himself, who really is just.. entering this volume in the most Wallace way possible. 

A little drunk, eating some cheap but good food, with a million dollar style and in just the exact right place at the exact right time. If that’s not Wallace Wells, I don’t know what is. Wallace and Other Scott were clubbin, not a huge suprise given Wallace has his own deep and complicated social life we never see and Wallace is naturally a little bit absolutley livid when he finds out Scott went to see Envy’s show anyway despite you know, putting him in a misery coma. Who do you think has to clean you and feed you when your like that Scott? Elves? Well I mean .. Wallace MIGHT be an elf.. but he stilld soen’t want to do either of those things.  He breifly gets sidetracked by the fact that Scott is wearing his shirt.. maybe. I mean he wore it the other day but given their living situation it’s honestly hard to tell. Ramona reminds him of his priorites

That’s part of the fun of rereading these again so soon after rereading them in december: I’m noticing tons of little moments like this I didn’t really before. The two explain things, including Ramona pointing out Scott’s extra stupid around Envy. I mean it’s a bit mean to point out given this is clearly a lot for him. 

Wallace brushes it off and promises to help him train like a true pal before being prompted to talk about this new boy he picked up Mobile.. who we wont’ see in person for a while but Wallace is clearly head over heels for and begs Scott to let him have the apartment.. or more accuratley Ramona, whose clearly not in the best of moods with Scott, to take him. His sales pitch is immaculate

So she agrees and a friendship is forged based on mutual hatred and being someone’s dipping sauce bitch. I’ve forged longer lasting friendships on far less. Also Wallace forgot his keys but wisely banked on his Gladstone Gander esque luck to help him out.. seriously i’m convinced he has a lower yield version of that. Or God wants to bang him but can’t because his penis is so powerful it CAN SPLIT A MOUNTAIN IN TWAINNNNN. You make the call. 

So they sleep it off, and Scott heads home early next morning.. and forgot he gave wallace his keys. Thankfully wallace finds him, and even got him donuts for when he came back, what a guy, makes you cry and I did. He also shows off a new trick about using your chi to dust rain off you. Turns out Mobile is psyhich which.. dosen’t come into play but for vallad reasons: Scott assumes Mobile can just.. give him psyhic powers and training but a) he and Wallace JUST met and while they’ll remain together for the rest of the series, it’s a big ask to have him help train his best friend to fight a man as dumb and chisled as a mountain, and B) “It dosen’t work that way” meaning scott’s probably not psi adept and even if he can be taught, there’s not NEARLY enough time for him to get good enough at shielding himself from Telkenisis in time given Todd’s already fighting him today and has two other oppprotunites afterwords to beat his ass to death. There’s just not enough time. So scott collapses with a donut in his mouth.. are .. are we sure this isn’t just a more attractive more sucessful canadian alternate me? 

We flashback to when Wallace met Envy and since i’ts post-becoming envy, it dosen’t go well and he hates her immidetly, and expects Scott to break up with her asap.. which while  bitchy.. actually woudl’ve been a good move in the long run. And “Bitchily phrased but a good move in the long run” has apparently always been Wallace’s go-to move. 

In the present Wallace helps Scott , who thinks everything sucks, realize it does not, with the help of fresh bacon and perspective, helping him avoid thinking Envy is “back” when she’s just vistiing and somewhat forces him to admit it’s not happening again nor should it. And implicity your both with other people, you’ve moved on, stay moved on. ANOTHER Flashback, this time with Envy asking Scott how he and Wallace met after dinner with Scott’s parents. It’s the story we’ve been hinting at since.. uh last volume. 

And indeed it is somewhat gay! Behold! The origin of a friendship to piece the heavens or .. something like that. I’m tired. 

It’s a quick breezy story that honestly both explains a lot and is what you’d expect; Wallace taking an intrest, Wallace presumibly realising Scott is straight off screen but deciding fuck it I like this guy let’s be pals instead, and jjust sorta showing up at his house. But since it’s Wallace and he and Scott both love gaming.. it just stuck. And it’s easy to see why. Scott’s a bit of an introvert and Wallace is a ton of an extrovert. Wallce is nice, naturally charming and endlessly cool, and as you can see it took him probably just an afternoon to go from freaking scott out for showing up randomly, to Scott talking the guy up and clearly being the bosom buddies they are now. The two just ballance each other out well. Wallace need’s scott’s weirdness and general heart, and Scott needs Wallace to keep him from running into the brick walls of life via his own stupidity and conflict avoidance. It’s what they do, they make it a two player game. 

So later that day, and some off screen training later, presumibly to the song Two Player Game despite the fact it didn’t exist yet, our heroes (Scott, Ramona and Wallace), Villians (Envy and Todd) and other not so much evil as just cretionus assholes (Stephen and Julie) arrive. It’s also clear that Envy just made up the challenge as she went and I fucking love it, just saying they’ll run to the back, try and kill each other and no psychic powers, with Scott’s own handicap being “He isn’t a surivivor” which earns a rightful you unebleiviable bitch from wallace and a just ast rightful “fair enough” from Scott. 

Stephen wonders what the deal is and Julie’s answer is... I don’t.. I can’t unpack this. 

Meanwhile Wallace says “I hate her so much” Which I THINK was meant for Envy, but as a teen I interpited as being for Julie. Then again it being BOTH is entirely possible given no one can stand Julie for more than five mintues other than Stephen. And that’s because he’s still in the closet and hasn’t come out as bi or gay and thus sees her as a safe option or he really sucks with his taste in partners. Or a little from collumn a , a little from collumn b. So yeah Scott wants a Strategy and Wallace has.. nothing other than “Well he can’t use his powers so.. use that. I guess.. I dunno. I’m hungover” though Ramona warns he can’t go long without using them without freaking out. So gooood? I’m starting to think Kim is the most useful member in his crew for this fight.. and she’s the one who decided to nope out of it because she didn’t want to watch his ex pick him apart mentally and her muscly new boyfriend pick him apart with MIND BULLETS. Wallace isn’t really helping this go round, though he’s still a treasure, Ramona is trying but dosen’t have much, and Stephen thought bringing Julie was in any way shape or form a good idea. Which really sums up their entire relationship so it’s not surprising, it just makes me question why the two are friends at all. 

No really,  out of Scott’s three close friends.. this friendship feels the most like two guys who just used to hang out but have no real reason too other than convience. Wallace would go to bat for scott.. with an actual bat.. to Envy’s skull. He just dosen’t want to go to jail.. again. Kim pines for him, pun intended, and also does care, she just dosen’t show it because scott’s kinda a moron parade and an insenstivity brunch rolled into one. So she sticks around even though it hurts to. Stephen.. lost his big shot in part due to Scott (Though Envy’s pushness and lack of consideration for his feelings didn’t help), his shrew of a girlfriend hates him and he’s not that good at bass... and I just got it. While Tornoto’s a big city , he’s probably not sure if Kim would be doing this without Scott. He’s.. entirely still his friend because he needs a bass player and kim’s a damn fine drummer whose hard to replace. I just got it.. it makes him a self serving douchecanoe for only being someone's friend because he needs a bass player even though he doesn’t like him, but I at least GET IT now. 

 So the rush into Honest Ed’s begins and.. my god this whole sequence is sublimely redelcous. It feels like what would ACTUALLY happen if two guys fought for the reasons scott and todd are fighting: just two idiots dinking around in a discount store. Scott dosen’t even last a few seconds before shouting in response to Todd’s taunts “We are all dead”, tripping while looking for eyeware and well..

Meanwhile Todd starts to break down while shouting FATHEERRRRRRR like all good psychics. As for how long this beautiful nonsense has been going on....

Oh and if you thought it hadn’t gotten redicously hilarious enough... wait till you see what’s next. 

No words.. should’ve.. sent a poet.. got a tubby asshole who reviews comics, disney shows and disney comics instead.... 

So we then get a montage in todd’s head with his SHOCKINGLY OLD dad telling him he dosen’t have the willpower to be a vegan.. Lynette telling him she’s his for the taking and Envy will never know as she opens her shirt, and 

Gideon.. showing he not only consults the league but confriming what the audience and scott realized: He’s behind these assholes.. but it also shows how much. He’s actively coaching them.. and granted we KNEW the exes were in contact with one another given Lucas was having an understandable sigh about Matthew.. but this shows Gideon isn’t just some player and this isn’t some automated service. He brought them all together. The how ends up being hilarious, and we’ll get to that but while it was obvious he was the final boss this is a nice and terrifying bit of clarification. As for what happened next.. well Todd freaks out with his powers from not using them

Really sad in hindsight.. but still really funny despite the horrifying concidence. So yeah our hero declares victory but dind’t really when and things just kinda end. This segment went basically nowhere and acomplished nothing. .but was still really fun, with great lines and is one of the most memorable and awesome scenes in the series.  It also shows the series growth between volumes: Last volume had a lot of cool moments.. but no real plot structure, just a bunch of things that needed to happen to get here. With Volume 3.. things are VERY tightly plotted, and even a fun but kinda pointless diversion like this... still fits in perfectly, giving us a second Scott and Todd fight to build him up, showing off just HOW powerful Todd is, and fleshing out the tofu headed douche a bit. As we’ve seen this volume still has it’s little slice of life moments the series does well. their just well put into a very compelling and fast paced plot, one we’re fully invested in as we see Scott’s torment and Ramona’s mounting anger at envy’s bullshit. It helps that Envy and Todd are the second best big bads of a volume behind gideon himslef in the fimale, with Roxy close at their heels if you were curious. Envy just oozes ego and superiority and is fun to watch every time, while we see moments once in a while that show she’s still human underneath even if she acts like a goddes.. and is admitely one of my types but that’s enough of that. She provides a nice contrast to ramona, also being standofish and mysterious but wheras ramona is clearly mysterious out of shame for a past she’s not proud of Envy is out of a past.. she has no reason to flee from and was never that bad.The only part Envy kept was Todd which was an objectively bad decision. 

Todd meanwhile like all the exes as I re-realized.. is a mirror to scott. Each one has a piece of his worse traits amplified and expanded. So far Patel has been scott’s dorkyness, expanded from 

To being a giant showy hipster douche desperate to seem cool and important. Lucas is scott’s afabliity and laziness taken to just outright avoiding a fight.. not nearly as bad as the others given he still has one of Scott’s best qualities with no drawbacks.  But Todd.. is probably the ex that mirrors scott the second most. Besides both being base players with shaggy hair, both are delightfully stupid, both have a lot of charisma besides that and both are extremley good in a fight.  But noticably.. Todd zigs a lot where Scott zags and the simlarites sort of stop. While both are objectively attractive, Todd is more conventinually chisled while Scott is more adorable, expertly reflected in the movie by having former Superman Brandon Routh opposite former George Micheal, Micheal Cera.  Todd’s ablities are mental while Scott’s are entirely in martial arts and later swordplay. Todd has a rough relationship with his dad who never supported him and constnatly doubted him while Scott’s parents fully support him and love him uncdoitoinaly and despite his protests and annoyance with them.. it’s clear he still cares about them and loves them.  And most damingly.. Scott treats people like garbage sometimes.. but it’s because he’s oblivoius. He’s a finaical burden on Wallace, cheated on Knives, gave Kim no closure, blew up Stephen’s chances at the big time, and in general can be kind of a dick.. but NONE of that is intetnional. It dosen’t make it okay, the books make that clear.. but it’s why we can still root for him: It’s something that can be fixed. Scott hurts people a lot but he lacks gneuinely malicious intent. He leaves a lot of pain in his wake.. but it’s because he’s socially inept, and again and I say this as someone with atusitim myself, defintely on the spectrum , so he dosen’t GET he’s hurting people unless they tell him. Something that will probably not shock you but I relate to and has happened to me in the past, hence while i’ll clal him a douche or stupid, because he’s both, I do sympathize with the guy as the whilrwilnd of descrution is just him being so intent on being seen as a good person and moving past things he can’t see the wreckage in ihs wake, and the series is about him growing past that mindset. 

Todd.. is just an entitled dick who KNOWS he’s probably going to hurt people but does the things anyway because he thinks as a rock star he can do whatever he wants. As a Vegan he’s superior so he’s allwoed to do WHATEVER he wants. He’s so obessed with making his dad not see him as a failure he’s developed an Ego that can only be visualized properly using well.. Ego

That’s what his ego has become. He’s so up his own ass his head is coming out of his mouth somehow. He’s so in love with himself he’s probably googled “How to make a sexy clone of yourself”. He’s scott’s oblivoiusness and selfishness, but with genuine intent. He’s scott if he KNEW what he was doing was wrong.. and said fuck it anyway i’m a rockstar baby. Todd, is EASILY what scott could’ve been at envy’s side had they not broken up.. successful.. but an utter bastard who only cares about themselves.  Anyways we cut to practice that night were Stephen is spiraling and Kim declines going to the show.. not for the obvious reasons of wanting to avoid another round of “watch Envy tourture scott before Todd beats his skull in with his psychic powers”, but because she has a date. Lucky bastard. The guys are naturally as tactful as you’d expect about this and suggest she’s doing a collage or puzzles before she shuts htem down and they awkardly recover and I laugh my ass off. 

So Scott and Ramona head out, trading some talk and what have you and having some Sushi, not going there often because they can’t afford it.. but it’s cool Scott swipied Wallace’s card. When pressed on his douchebaggery Scott assures her. 

We’ll get more into this next time, but needless to say Scott’s mooching is finally becoming a plot point next time. Speaking of next time on the way to the show Ramona realizes “Wait why the hell are we doing this” and convinces Scott not to go as they can relax, have a night off, cuddle and stuff, and then Scott can fight Todd tommorow at the big show. Why DO they need to sit in with two assholes who are only inviting them to fuck with their heads some more. Well okay one asshole while Todd is okay with all this he probably just mubled some “sure whatevers” while trying to solve a rubix cube while Envy outlined her plans to him before rearanging the stickers so he could win.. I Mean with his mind so it’s sitll a little impressive but still. 

So they TRY making out, complete with being in their undies.. but it just dosen’t work as both of them keep picturing Envy’s face and that’s not good for either of them.

AND it was at this point fucking tumblr.. ate an hour’s worth of work I just did. Probably not something you need to know or care about but something that pisses me off greatly as I was approaching the end of the review and now have to either retype or entirely rethink what I JUST spent a while working hard on. 

And this time I mean it. The only reason i’m not giving up and shelving this review for a bit.. is ithat i’m a stubborn bastard who refuses to give up that easily and who needed to vent about this to somewhere. 

So Ramona finally comes clean about Todd.. and in a nice moment admits to cheating on Lucas with him “It wasn’t very nice but I wasn’t a nice person”. It’s a small thing, something I didn’t notice before.. but it’s actually a big step given how guarded Ramona is to admit to doing something this bad. Last volume, just a few days ago time wise, she lied entirely about this and probably has no idea Scott knows already. But she’s being honest, telling him the truth so he’ll be prepared for what’s coming and know the full story.  The full story is they were both little shits who raised hell together till Todd disappeared for a while. He shows up as you’d expect, dickishily interupting class before explaning Dairy Scientests kidnapped and experimented on him. He also says this

So he proves his love. in the most badass and horrifying way possible: BY MAKING ONE OF THE TWO BIG NOTICABLE CRATERS ON THE GODDAMN MOON. 

One of the series best jokes. Ramona also takes a hard pass to learning about envy and asks about Kim... not for any reason.. just thinks sh’es nice. It’s not like she wants to make out with her face.. a lot. Just.. girl things. SHUT UP. She’s also unsatisfied with Scott’s piss take version of his relationship with her.  Closing out the chapter, Knives.. has somehow climbed a huge pile of billboardsi n the middle of tornoto.. which would be awesome.. if it weren’t such a beautifully sad image. 

Whelp my heart just exploded with pain at this poor girl whose lost the love of her live, which is a goood thing mind you but dosen’t mean it dosen’t hurt less, her faviorte band and her highlights all in the span of a month.  Moving on as we approach the final act, we get a brief scene as Todd orders some Gelato, which is itallian icec ream, very not vegan and Envy does not relaize this. Todd however rants about being a rock star, being so above people and as for the rules

We also get this lovely bit

And then they make out and i’ts treated as a big shocker despite.. us.. finding that out several dozen pages ago. We know already. 

Back at Scott and Wallace’s place, Ramona shows up with cool new blue hairdoo, which I agree with Wallace is awesome and admits she changes her hair up every couple of weeks.. someething that in the color version we do see better. We also get a gag that no longer makes sense as he asks if that’s her natural haircolor and she says yay and the caption admits this was funnier in black and white. Eh one or two jokes for some really pretty colors is a fair enough trade. 

Scott however once again bitches about his hair, despite Ramona pointing out to him and Wallace that.. there’s like dozens of haircut places within walking distance. I remain unsuprised thier that oblivous. But to shut her boyfriend up she agrees to cut his hair and while they do asks what Envy’s actual name is.. scott’s response .. is pretty heartbreaking “Natalie. She stopped liking it. Then she stopped liking me.  So Scott shows up with his NEW HAIR CUT.. aka his old one just trimmed up a bit, but the one you see in modern merch and the game. A bit shaggy but not as long. Scott reassures Stephen whose spiraling with panic that it won’t be the same as last time and they’ll have fun. Kim, understandably and having not been told anything, wonders what “last time was”. After everyone chimes in Kid chamelon i’ts time for another FLASHBACK.. as you were probably expecting by now.. but this time I added some proper effects to spice it up. 

So we find out more of whta drove a wedge between the two: Envy slowly but surely took a tryanical death grip on the band, adding some guy named Joel on the drums, possibly the same guy from Crash and the Boys, and bumping Scott to bass, without asking him or Stephen about this and just sorta.. demanding it. While her intetnions are understandable, she just wants the band’s best sound.. her actions are still head tiltingly obnoxious, and clearly show she had not studied rock history yet as usually taking absolute control of the band and ignoring your band mates is the easiet way to destroy a band. Sometimes it’s just envy, pun unintneded but welcome, but yeah.. it’s no wonder they didn’t last. Scott is also shown to be more and more uncomfortable with the band going from a fun thing he did with his friend and girlfriend.. to something that could make him famous.. something he’s very transparently not ready for and dosen’t want.  And it makes sense: he was just a dumb college kid in love.. he didn’t start the band for fame or glory.. he just wanted to have fun. Same with his current band. And while in the PRESENT his lack of ambition can be obnoxious and will be a problem in the next volume, here.. he’s still in college and sudeenly got thrust into a career he dosen’t want with a person who no longer loves or respects him. It’s understandable that he’s a nervous , miserable wreck. 

So in the present, Stephen is throwing up and asking for julie and Scott.. is a dick and ignores him. Were it anyone else and any other relationship currrently int he books I would actually give a shit. So he wonders around a bit, running into some teens who are intrested in him, word travels fast apparently, Julie, who for once displays a human emotion of concern for Stephen or the closest she can, and thankfully Wallace, Stacey and Micheal,who now has a spooky skeleton ring from the future and badly needs his own spinoff. Stacey TRIES to pump her brother up.. but it’s clear he’s in no good mental place for that and trudges off while Wallace, man of the year, worries about him.  One GOOD THING about the astronomical setback that happened is in the orignal draft of this.. I forgot to talk about Stacey. Despite promising to. So here it goes: After this Stacey.. just sorta vanishes from the series. She’s still around and while not super promient gets a decent amount of screentime in the finale, she makes cameos before then. But from this book on she’s no longer a main character like she was in the first two books. There she had several scenes, lots of focus, and her own mini arc in the first one about Wallace stealing her boyfriends. There’s. an actual reason for this as O’Malley regretted naming her after his sister and thus basically stopped writing her unless he had to, sticking her in once in a while to assure fans he hadn’t forgotten her but removing her from the main plot.  That being said while his reason is weak.. I dn’t think it’s the ONLY reason she slid into the background. The main cast already had 6 characters, and on top of that this volume heavily focuses on Envy, the next adds Lisa Miller to the mix, and every volume frmo this one on has increased focus on the ex of the week, building them up more as characters and giving them way more screen time. Stacey.. really didn’t have a unique niche or roll in the sotry the other 5 non-scott leads didn’t: Knives filled out the position as the baby of Scott’s friend group, Ramona and Wallace served as better voices of reason, Kim and Wallace had better chemistry with Ramona and thus worked better as her friends, and Stpehn. did nothing she did but still at least had a part to play as band leader and the only one of Sex Bomb-Omb with ambition. Stacey is not a bd character and DID deserve to still be  way more prominent.. but her move to the back let Kim take her place and rightfully so. And not just because of the crush on kim thing, Kim’s just more compelling and tha’ts an objective fact. Still would’ve been nice to learn more about Stacey though. 

Scott then frees his girlfriend from a conversatoin with Sandra and Monique, as Julie bitchily told both about Gideon which Envy told her about, because as your every couple of paragraphs reminder, Julie is a piece of shit. Scott then orders them some alchols, breaking his usual teetotling and runs into kim, hollie and joseph. with Hollie here to see the band and .. Joseph here to see todd. At least h’es honest.. for this volume. Anyways, our happy couple soon split off for a bit and while we bounce back and forth.. i’m just going to cover what hapepned with each seperately as SOMEHOW tumblr once again ate a good hour’s worth of work, this review is already a day late, and I have both abother one and a dental apointment today. So in short

Ramona and Kim: Kim fills Ramona in on her past.. via  tone down, seemingly contridctary, and as we’ll find out later the true version of what happened: She was with Simon, he was a dick, Scott showed up he was also a dick, things happened. I guess. Ramona is disapointed, though Kim does provide some crucial info on her moving to tronto.. and reuniting with scott. 

It honestly.. explains a LOT of why Scott is the way he is what happened with Envy. He saw Envy change entirley as a person.. and thus feels changing as a person , and smoking, is a sign of something bad.. when really it just means.. your changing. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst but we area LWAYS changing and it took me a lont time to realize that. The two are distracted from this though by Todd sloppily making out with Lynette in front of everyone. 

We’re also reintroduced to Crash and the Boys, now redubbed the boys and crash, and seemingly playing music without intsturments. The thorughly lovely and rediculous explinaton for this and their new gloves and goggles, i’ll save for in a bit. 

Scott and Envy, Scott and Knives: Scott goes out to get some air.. only to find Envy, who despite menally tourturing him for a few days insits they talk like regular people.. Scott wisely counters with “Nat when did we ever talk like real people” and while saying he won’t get to call her that again, it still chips down her walls for a second and shows that a bit of who she used to be, loath as she is to admit it, is still there. 

Scott then spots knives... and has a moment of truth. And a hell of a series of reaction panels

It’s a VERY good scene.. that i’ve written about TWICE now but regardless, it shows Scott.. genuinely changing. Ignoring his past actions, running away from them and trying to pretend he never fucked up once... that’s been his go to. It’s his main flaw and hte one that takes the entire series to deal with as we’ll get into. And it’s here.. he faces it for the first time. He’s scared of knives at first.. but realizes.. he genuinely hurt her, and she’s where she is, cold, alone, and huddled in an ally lost and confused, because of him. Sure Envy hurt her.. but so did he.. and what’s worse. he did it just like Envy hurt him. Not thinking of her as a persona nd throwing her away when he didn’t need her. And so after books of build up.. he finally takes some responisblity and talks to her. It’s WHY the books work: Sure scott’s a dick, and remains a bit of one throughout, but.. he means well, isn’t inteitonally a standoffish prick, and slowly grows PAST this, and tries to be better, for Ramona.. and just because it’s the right thing to do. 

So Knives reflects on the past few weeks, admitting that it’s been unbearably painful.. but she can’t and won’t go back to who she used to be. She’s lost her innocnce and all that, been dumped by the “love of her life”, been punched in the face by her faviorite drummer and treated like dogshit by her faviorite artist. Todd did nothing for once but gets no credit because of who we’re dealing with here. Point is.. it was a lot and while sh’es not HAPPY.. she’s greatful for it. Scott however.. steps up, saying what Envy did was wrong, she deserved better.. and finally, after how terribly he broke up wit hher.. apologizes for how he hurt her. And while Knives takes this as hope they’l get back together, Scott continues to be very mature, especially for his usual behavior, telling her no, it won’t happen, to give neil a try as whle she is dating him because he looks like Scott he’s not all bad, and that wallce was right: she was too good for him. And while Knives isn’t ready to accept it.. Scott did the right thing. Good for you man. 

So while he, and later kim and stephen seperatly, get ready, Ramona.. runs into Envy. Whose oddly nice for ahlf a second.. before bringing up Gideon and giving Ramona a barrage of insults, clearly trying ONCE AGAIN, to knock her down and wreck her. Thing is while Scott clearlya nd understandably has baggage with Envy is easy prey for her manipulative elephant dung, Ramona. isn’t. All Envy’s done is piss her off more and more with each act of high school level mean girl bullshit... and sh’es done with it. 

FIGHT’S ON. This Volume.. is honestly where Ramona really comes into bloom, pun intended, as the duetragonist of the books. While the book IS about Scott getting his life together and their relationship and he’s still her hero.. the books are also about RAMONA growing as a person, her own flaws and past, and the climax of all of them.. is just as much about her as it is scott. And this book has her own flaws come into play: Just like Scott she runs from the past, from who she was, and only faces it when needed, which will become more apparent as we go. But at the same time, we get to see far more of her personality as a result as her mysterious facade continues to drop. She’s prone to getting upset, but also clever and witty and knows her limits, knowing that going to that second performance would’ve just done no good and knowing herself very well, something Scott has genuine trouble with. She’s strong, sarcastic and knows who she is and what she wants and this volume finally brings that into focus. Not only that but her fight with Envy, is just as warranted, climatic and awesome as Scott’s fight coming up, as no one has stood up to envy due to her fame.. but Ramona.. dosen’t care. Someone’s gotta stop her, and Ramona’s taking up the job. And the awesome looking hammer. 

That being said taking up a giant hammer against a beloved celebrity dosen’t win you any point, so Ramona finds herself discouraged, even if Envy can very clearly handle herself. Thankfully she gets some encouragment from exactly who you’d expect. 

And Wallce.. turns out to be pretty useful. At least in this one fight. His shouting not only gives Ramona her fight back.. but keeps distracting envy, leaving her wide open. The tide turns though when Wallace has to pee, and Envy uses the distraction to knock the hamme rout of Raona’s hand and prepare to flatten her. But once again.. someone save sher in the knick of time.. and this time it’s the LAST person you’d expect, as Knives gives the hammer a flying kick.. and then crashes into a wall, and when Ramona, understandably not getting this since she tried to turn her into swiss cheese earlier this week, asks why, Knives admit’s she just wants Scott to be happy. Knives has grown too, and while she’s still obessed with Scott and waiting for themt o break up.. she’s no longer going to try and wedge her way in. If Ramona is what Scott wants, tha’ts what he gets. 

All three are distracted by well.. this...

State of your outfits mates. Though that line is iconic. But serously the outfits are hilaroiusly and reaslitically mismatched. Kim’s home made and overdone gothica lolita outfit that dosen’t match her AT ALL, goth yes , poofy goth no. Stephen’s johnny cash outfit he clearly had lying around and Scott’s Dad Suit. 

That being said.. still the best looking one of the three. But Envy takes advantage to regrab the hammer and try and murder the two of them.. but Scott sees this.. and well... you get it by now, one more time. Bake me away toys!

So we get the final weeks or days or whatever of the relationship. In a nice parallel to Scott playing Ramona a song he does the same for Envy.. who both questions what this is for then is confused why he’d do something so sweet. Next scene is her getting a call while their cuddling in bed from some guy she idntiefies as Jason and.. barely disguises is clearly cheating on Scott with. and could possibly be todd I dunno.  After that we get to Kid Chamelon preparing to sign a deal and Envy.. trying to press Scott into sginging it, ignoring his obvious discomfort, and then casually threanting to replace him. While Scott does give us a face punchingly dickish comment about “How he started this band to meet chicks and maybe he met the wrong chick”... he’s still somehow in the right as while he’s being a manic dickhead... Envy has ceased seeing him as a person or even something she cares about and tells him to get a hair cut and leave. 

We then get the breakup itself as Scott goes up to envy.. and she tells him to get out of her life. ack in the present, Scott’s grown enough to realize he has to stop her and does so.. by touching hte back of her knee which.. uhhhh.

So yeah.. he beat her with an orgasm, and that looks oddly hot. And i’m moving on before that last part of the sentence sinks in. Envy, once she recovers, orders Todd to do a murder on them, but Todd’s not there and Ramona, naturally, brags about him having cheated on her. Envy.. denis.. this. 

I .. don’t have time to unpack that. This review is late, I have two other reviews to get to today. Time for ANOTHER flashback. 

This time it’s Envy teling a story bok verion of her and Toddd’s relationship. It’s a real poetic and well done sequence. In a nuthsell: Envy and Todd were best friends and deeply in love as kids until todd moved away i’m guessing sometime in middle school. Deeply depressed, Envy sailed through life as sort of a ghost, TRYING to find another connection like that, but failing. Todd returned after she graduated though, and gave her a symbol of his love.. a hole on the moon. Yes another one. And they both promised to never waiver as he went off to the vegan academy. Clearly Envy did with Scott... but it paints her ambition in another light. One where she wanted to be big and bold enough for him.. but slowly carved out her old self to do so. 

And as is obvious it was pointlness: not only did Envy love someone else.. but Todd never cared as much as she did. As Ramona points out, and relcutnantly because even she feels a little bad about this one, he did the moon trick with her.. and this time Envy CAN’T deny it.. becaue the evidence is right there. 

And of course Todd.. makes his case even WORSE by picking that moment to come out of the bathroom, sipping up his pants, with panties on his head, and with Lynette following right after him. Envy.. tries to murder Lynette, her go to, but LYnette teleports out. Because she can do that. Though Envy does hit her cyborg arm so she looes that and the panties and Ramona offers to mount it at her place if Kim takes the panties, but kim admits she wasn’t scrapbooking, she said she was and was just making the dress. Horay, as ramona puts it “Col se can still be friends. Right.. FRIENDS. 

Envy TRIES to cave Todd’s skull in, get some therapy woman, but Todd naturally tk’s it away but despite being the king of all assholes DOES care enough not to fight her. Envy... plays nice then knees him in the nuts like he fucking deserves. Todd then returns to being the once and future douchebag by TK’ing her into the crowd and bragging about it. 

Scott dosen’t take this well, even after everything and the final fight begins. They have a bass fight.. but like the game i’ts redicuously one sided since Todd both is a skilled bassist compared to Scott.. and is still using his psychic powers lest you forget he’s a bastard man. 

The Boys and Crash however show up to even the odds.. and their trainig is the reason they can play music without insturments as they can now manipulate pur sound. Fucking beautiful. But even they aren’t enough and Todd swats them aside. 

While poorly is a bit harsh.. the vegan police show up, which is awesome, though the movie got thomas jane for one of them and had that high five so they win. But yeah.. while this is hilarous.. and the scene with them is great.. it’s also the weakest part of an otherwise near perfect book. It just feels a bit anti clmatic that after all this build up.. Todd is just.. beaten with a sloppy depower. The boys and crash would’ve still been a cop out, but it would’ve been a freaking cool cop out.  The thing that saves it is afterwords Scott still gets an epic finish: after they devganize him for the gelato earlier, scott headbutts him epicly and wins. He gets money and. 

A 1-up, which understandibly terrfies him but will come in hand in a few volumes. Trust me. Scot checks on everyone. Ramona’s fine, Envy is not and breifly blames scott before he points out Todd was a no good cheating dickwad, and Kim is obviously fine as nothing happend, but him asking is a nice bit of charcter growth. Kim asks about kinves but she’s okay and neil is helping her. But theshow must go on and since the headliners are dead (don’t worry he’ll respawn), in parts unknown and in emotoinal apocalypse, someone’s gotta play.

So our heroes have the show of their lives, and crowd reaction is mostly positive with Jospeh noticing htier levels were horrible, a hint for next time, and the crew interviewing everyone.. including a mysterous gentleman having a beer, who has no commenta nd walks away. 

 Gideon.. was here the whole time,but he’s not ready for Scott JUST yet. Still a really damn cool tease for the final boss. 

So we close the next day, Scott and Envy sorta make up, with both apologizing for their behavor and while Scott gets no closure, envy promises to return.. and makes good on it. But.. that’s for the finale. For now Scott’s girlfriend and best buddy give him a moment to baste in his pathos, before heading off. And in a nice bit of metaphor, the clouds part, and our three amigos walk off into the sunset and a bright future. Three down 4 to go.  Next time: Lesbian Artist Ninjas! Side Stories! Scott Gets A Job! The Band gets a producer! Kim gets a decent apartment and a boyfriend! Lisa returns! See you in feburary. 

Until then if you liked this review, spread it around andi f ther’es a comic you want me to cover, my comissions are open. Until the next rainbow, it was a pleasure. 

[basketballandtextbooks]

disaster take

i saw this discourse on other blogs and come to the realization that most people probably won’t agree with me but... here’s my two cents:

wendy and kyle are very similar characters, not identical, but the character writing in south park is usually quite shallow (for any character in the cast) and normally any depth that can actually be found in any one character is entirely coincidental or accidental on the part of the observer. For example, in a previous post I mentioned that Kyle probably learned to dance after the events of the rain forest episode, and we know he must have because of highschool musical. This creates and interesting nugget of character depth that fits with his overall character but the connection is most likely entirely accidental. Did the writers think that deeply about Kyle’s character, or did they just forget the throwaway joke they kin-assigned Kyle for one episodes purposes?

for me these gaps between writers intent and interpretation are entertaining and it’s very fun for me to play detective, putting together the whole characters through the lens of ‘death of the author’ and figuring out how the characters behave based on not only their behavior in any one individual episode, but how the inconsistent and shallow character writing makes an overall character-arc (no character is more fascinating in this fashion than Eric Cartman, who has the most cohesive and entirely accidental character arc that spans from episode one and showcases a fascinating and horribly flawed individual)

All of this stated, the similarities in how Kyle and Wendy are written may not be intentional, but the fact is that given the same exact situation they respond similarly and to varying degrees. A good example of this is when they are jealous or their ego is bruised, they both have a tendency to have excessive if not murderous reactions (teacher into the sun, nuke canada, burn down the school, bully your friends)

I don’t think anyone can really make a good faith argument denying that they have strong similarities. There are of course differences, during the smurfs Wendy showed a much cooler head than Kyle would in the same circumstance. They do not need to be identical to share strong similar characteristics

Now for how fandom has perceived Wendy.

There is good reason that some individuals feel that the fan-reaction towards her isn’t entirely based on her writing being inherently ‘worse’ than Kyle’s. It also isn’t true that everyone who loves Kyle and hates Wendy is sexist or suffering from a case of internal misogyny.

That said, Wendy is held to a higher standard than Kyle is. Or more accurately, she is held to account for her actions in canon and Kyle is not. A primary example that I’ve heard multiple times in explaining why she’s a ‘bad’ character or a ‘bad’ person is that she broke Stan’s heart by dumping him. Some accuse her of cheating on him (with either Gregory or Token, pick your poison).

We can dismiss the cheating accusations immediately, there isn’t even a sliver of evidence she ever cheated. The times where she pursued other love interests they were either broken up or not together.

But the underlying message that hurting Stan makes her a bad character and not holding Kyle to that same account when Kyle, as early as the super best friends episode and as terribly as the assburgers episode, has a pattern of hurting Stan and in worse ways.

Wendy dumped him, that’s awful, but she’s allowed to have different feelings for other people and she’s allowed to end a relationship with a boy who constantly vomited on her. But the fan perception of this is “what a bitch” while the reaction to the style friend breakups is “oooh the angst”

This is only one of the ways we can see her being held to a different standard than Kyle. Not every fan is guilty of this, but enough people share this sentiment that is entirely justified for people to point out what appears to be underlying misogyny in how the characters are treated.

There are arguments based more on her writing than her actions, I have heard the ‘she’s always right and that’s not realistic’ on at least four different occasions now. But not only is this factually untrue if you’ve actually watched the show, it ignores the many times Kyle has also been right for seemingly no other reason than the writers convenience. Making him the moral center of the episode or a center of a joke. I find the ‘she’s too perfect’ to be a bad faith argument because the research behind it is shoddy and even when the person behind it acknowledges cases where she was wrong (killing her teacher, bullying, petty grudges to name a few) it’s always hand-waved away as ‘oh, okay, that once, but other than anything that disagrees with me, she’s too perfect. This is a very clear case of confirmation bias. Any evidence that backs the argument that she’s too perfect is guarded and anything that refutes it is discarded.

There will be some fans that hate her and love Kyle for completely unrelated reasons to holding her to a different standard, sexism, or internalized misogyny. But it is a fact that a significant amount of the fandom holds her to a completely different standard and a very possible reason for that is either her gender or how she disrupts their precious ships.

I would make the argument that she has a far stronger and more engaging characterization than Clyde using the same standards I set above where I judge characters based on the totality of their appearances rather than on individual episode. A even removing that framework and basing solely on episodes that focus on them individually, she has a stronger character. And yet I have never once heard or seen anyone making the argument that they dislike Clyde because his character is too flat. This is another case where she, and the majority of the female cast, is held to a different standard. I’ve never seen anyone say ‘it’s hard to write Gregory because he has very little character and the writers only created a flat stereotype’. But I see that sort of perspective all the time for female characters that have more screen-time and development than Gregory ever had.

I love all the characters above and I find their characterizations and lack thereof to be a fascinating puzzle that I spend my free-time putting together.

But female characters in South Park do suffer from what I would consider a form of internalized misogyny. Most fans don’t do this on purpose (thus internalized) but the society we’ve been raised in has a tendency to put men and women on different scales.

This isn’t a scale that’s fair to either sex. The unconscious mentality that “its okay if he has no personality because he’s a guy” does men a disservice too. If you do fall under the category of someone who judges the female characters more than the male ones, I’m not trying to say you’re a bad person or even that you’ve done a bad thing. I want you to reconsider your opinion. Take a moment to actually think about it. I know I’ve been guilty of holding men and women to different standards. In both real life and fiction, I expect less from men. I look down on them in an unhealthy fashion that if I don’t address, could lead to ending up in harmful situations or harming someone else.

fiction is a lens that we can use to better understand reality. I am an advocate that you can treat fictional characters in any way you like and it doesn’t fucking matter. You want to kill Wendy because you think she’s an annoying bitch? Go for it. It doesn’t matter. Wendy is not real.

I don’t want you to change your fandom behaviors, I want you to reexamine them and ask yourself how deeply the disparity in how you view men and women goes. If you use fiction as an outlet for misogynistic or even misandrist feelings, I think that’s valid, but I want you to know that you’re doing it.

If you hold men and women to different standards, whether in fiction, real life, or both, I want you to be aware of it.

Now the elephant in the room.

Damien is one of the most popular characters in South Park and he has one episode focusing on his character. His personality is frequently discarded because in canon, he’s an uppity little git who is both petty and weak. He wants to be liked, is affected by bullying, and cries to his daddy about it.

In fandom he is frequently portrayed as a cool and collected impervious person who, yes, has a temper but instead of how petulant and bratty he appeared in canon, fandom portrays this as ‘badass’.

To put it simply, fandom has a tendency to ignore canon entirely in the name of what’s ‘hot’. They want the prince of hell to be sexy and dangerous, so he is just that.

The majority of popular fanon characterizations fit these same molds. They want Butters to be cute and sweet, so every character flaw he’s ever had is hand-waved away.

How does this relate to my topic?

Fans of the female characters are not impervious to this. Heidi Turner is an extremely flawed and vicious individual who would stoop to any low to protect her damaged pride. She is also a victim in a toxic relationship that put her through a horrible experience. And so the fandom either acknowledges one half, how cruel she can be, or the other, how pure a victim she was someone protect her. And neither combine her to a whole character. A person who was in a bad situation, had a lot of positive traits, bad things happened to her, and she didn’t bad things in return. Her penitent for cruelty in some earlier episodes when she was still a bg character is completely hand-waved away by both camps.

She’s an interesting character and she’s dumbed down for the pleasure of the audience, isn’t this the same treatment the men receive and thus invalidates my entire thesis that they’re held to a different standard?

For starters, the idea that an argument is entirely invalid because of one exception is in itself a fallacy, but to avoid acknowledging her existence would be confirmation bias. She is an anomaly, a female character given the same treatment as the male characters. Is it because she’s deeper or better written than the other female characters? I would argue no, critically watching her episodes she has tons of the same troped behavior that the fans love to despise in the rest of the female cast. Although unlike the other characters (both male and female), where I must do an in-depth watch of the series over the course of 20+ seasons in order to create a whole understanding of them, the majority of her arc happens over the course of two seasons.

An easily digestible amount of content. No one needs to put together the puzzle pieces to understand her like you do with the majority of the cast, it’s all there.

Except it isn’t, and this is why I mentioned her behavior in earlier seasons is discarded. The way people frame her is solely from the seasons where she’s a primary character, ignoring the clear characterization we got from her in earlier seasons that do help to create a more whole understanding of her personality and character.

That all said, there are still portions of the fandom who hate her purely because she blocks their kyman or style or insert-gay-ship-here. There are fans who hate her not because of her flawed personality or even that they find her character flat, but purely because they want to see ‘two hot boys kiss get the gross girl out’. Which is a pretty common mistreatment of Wendy as well.

Now, male characters are on occasion given this treatment but nowhere near as often. While creek shippers and crenny shippers might fight until their last breath, neither group seems to actually hate Kenny or Tweek. But in the ship wars of a ‘het ship’ vs a ‘gay ship’, the female character is frequently trashed by the gay side.

I could go into an aside about the troubling fetishization of gay men that borders on outright homophobia at times, but this has been surprisingly alot.

I guess my point is that any which way you fandom, try to at least understand that sexism is real and be aware when you might be perpetuating messages that can appear unbalanced. And maybe, ask yourself why you do that.

[junker-town]

What’s the 1 thing you’d change about every NFL team’s 2017 season?

In the spirit of the holiday season, let’s imagine what each team would pick if Santa existed (WINK) and granted them all a do-over.

When the holiday season rolls around, it’s fun to pretend you live in the fairy-tale comfort of a Hallmark Christmas movie. (This isn’t just us, right?) It’s Christmas Eve, you’re thinking about that one big regret from this past year as you gaze out your frosted window into a perfect-looking winter wonderland that somehow exists in a world without global warming. Suddenly, a guardian angel or a loved one’s ghost or your future self appears, ready to help you change the past.

Now imagine instead of airing on your grandma’s favorite cable channel, it’s on NFL Network. What would be the one thing each team would change about this season?

Unfortunately, this film doesn’t exist, as far as we know (there are an Avogadro's number of streaming services out there now, so we’re only about 99.9 percent certain here.) But we do have our friends at the SB Nation NFL team sites, who were willing to look back and write about at what was, for most, a painful memory from 2017.

For some teams, this season has been one giant blow to the solar plexus after another, so narrowing the list to just one was difficult. For way too many of them, a major injury was the moment when everything changed.

Others thought that a certain position, player, or one specific game altered the course of the entire season. And sort of surprisingly, one shared regret was not signing 38-year-old Josh McCown.

In the spirit Tiny Tim, a few sites counted their blessings and had to reach to come up with something they’d want their teams to redo.

Here’s the one change our team sites would make if the Ghost of Christmas Past gave them a chance to do this season over again:

The cruel fate of injuries

This was an unfortunate theme of the 2017 season.

Baltimore Ravens: CB Jimmy Smith’s career season getting cut short

I’ve been a huge Jimmy Smith believer since day one. Wrote many articles about him over the past four years, and to watch his best season yet be lost to an Achilles tear is disheartening. He was in line for All-Pro recognition, awards and respect among the league, but it was taken from him due to a torn Achilles.

For more, check out the entire entry at Baltimore Beatdown.

Chicago Bears: How they handled guard Kyle Long’s injury

The one thing I would change about the Bears’ season is they should have allowed Kyle Long to get his body right before letting him play.

Long had offseason surgery on his ankle, but his labrum was also ailing after his 2016 season. He had some complications during his ankle rehab that slowed his readiness for training camp, and that also led to him deciding to put off the labrum surgery.

For more, check out the entire entry at Windy City Gridiron.

Houston Texans: Deshaun Watson tearing his ACL is the obvious (and right) answer

If DW4 hadn’t gotten hurt, he would have surely built upon the electric seven-game sample he tantalized NFL fans with. It’s also entirely possible, perhaps even probable, that he would have led the Texans back to the playoffs. In any event, Watson would have made Texans games appointment viewing again instead of the grim trudge to the finish line they’ve become since he went down.

For more, check out the entire entry at Battle Red Blog.

Indianapolis Colts: If only rookie safety Malik Hooker hadn’t gotten hurt

Hooker is a very young player who only started for a year in his final season at Ohio State. His rookie year was supposed to be all about him growing and developing into a star, all while making opposing quarterbacks pay for errant passes. This defense is being built around young players like Henry Anderson, Johnathan Hankins, Wilson, Melvin and Hooker. The more they can play together, the better it will be for 2018 when they can hit the ground running and be a really good defense. That will have to be put on hold, at least as far as Hooker is concerned.

For more, check out the entire entry at Stampede Blue.

Kansas City Chiefs: Eric Berry’s Achilles injury in the season opener

I can’t help but think what this season would be like if Berry were here. Do the Chiefs go on that losing streak? Does the defense give up 38 points to Josh “Tom Brady” McCown?

I know there’s no point in wondering about all that. It’s not going to change anything. Berry isn’t coming back his injury this year (although I have thought about what an amazing surprise entrance that would be if he did — like Sting returning to WCW in 1997).

For more, check out the entire entry at Arrowhead Pride.

Minnesota Vikings: Star rookie running back Dalvin Cook’s ACL injury

The Minnesota offense is doing well without Cook thus far, certainly. But having #33 in the lineup would make this offense even more dynamic than it already is. There aren’t very many things that I would change about this season thus far for the purple and gold, but if I got the chance to change one thing, we’d still have a healthy Dalvin Cook on the field.

For more, check out the entire entry at Daily Norseman.

New Orleans Saints: They got infected with the dreaded injury bug

The injury to Alex Okafor would be the top thing many would love to take back. Injuries in general are horrible, as the Saints have lost the likes of Nick Fairley, Alex Anzalone, Delvin Breaux, Coby Fleener, A.J. Klein, Nate Stupar, and Zach Strief - to name a few. Fairley’s heart diagnosis was practically a godsend, because the alternative would have been much worse. Klein’s absence is going to be felt, and at this point of the season, there’s not much the Saints can do to to compensate for his loss. Okafor out of the mix has been noticeable on the opposite end of Cam Jordan.

For more, check out the entire entry at Canal Street Chronicles.

If only this one game had gone differently ...

These teams are all still feeling the effects of the outcome or a decision in one game.

Carolina Panthers: Losing to the Bears (wait, that really happened?!)

I’m talking about the stink job the Panthers laid in Chicago back in Week 7. If the Panthers would have won that game (like they should have), they would be 11-3 right now instead of 10-4, would have a playoff spot guaranteed, and would be ahead of the Saints in the NFC South race. This season would be much more fun to talk about had the Panthers not lost that no-good, stupid, rotten, cursed game.

And worst of all - we lost to John Fox, y’all.

For more, check out the entire entry at Cat Scratch Reader.

Dallas Cowboys: Hanging Chaz Green out to dry against the Falcons

The Cowboys insistence on playing Chaz Green at left tackle for the injured Tyron Smith in the game against the Falcons, then giving him absolutely no help, even after it was obvious he was getting destroyed. Not only did this decision lose that game, but the Cowboys were not the same team for the next few games. Only now do they seem to have recovered from that calamity.

For more, check out the entire entry at Blogging the Boys.

New York Giants: Early loss to the Eagles sucked the life out of them

For me, though, the biggest thing I would change is the Week 3 loss to the Eagles.

Desperate for a win at 0-2, the Giants played the first three quarters as though the season was already over, trailing, 14-0, entering the final quarter. Then, a 24-point outburst that saw them take a pair of fourth-quarter leads.

This felt like the kind of sudden turnaround that can change a season. Until it fell apart, with the Giants getting a crushing defeat instead of an uplifting victory.

For more, check out the entire entry at Big Blue View.

Washington: A QB sneak against the Saints could’ve saved their season

When inches are all that you need, why not the keeper? Put a different guy back there for that one play if you are that afraid of getting Kirk [Cousins] hurt. I don’t believe that is the issue, because I don’t believe Kirk would ever make that an issue. If you are worried about signaling to the other team what your intentions are based on personnel, that is ridiculous. The other team knows you need a few inches. It is about to be a fight for those inches. Put your best fighters in, but for God’s sake...get those inches.

For more, check out the entire entry at Hogs Haven.

It all comes back to this position

These teams should’ve made better choices this offseason.

Arizona Cardinals: How they built their OL

The Cardinals had one season of what you could call success along the offensive line, 2015, and changed out 3/5 of that group. Then in 2017, they changed out 3/5 of the group again moving D.J. Humphries to left tackle and Jared Veldheer to right tackle with only Shipley and Iupati remaining intact.

The most important part of offensive line play is continuity… Something the Cardinals have chosen to change to start every year in the Bruce Arians era.

For more, check out the entire entry at Revenge of the Birds.

Detroit Lions: Not addressing the running game (again)

With Matthew Stafford having one of his most efficient seasons of his career, and a pair of receivers nearly hitting 1,000 yards, it’s tragic to watch the season unfold where your quarterback is left carrying a poor defense with no help from his running game. If the Lions had paid more attention to their pass rush, they’d probably be a lot better off, but if they had paid more attention to their run game they could potentially be much better set up not only in 2017, but for the future.

For more, check out the entire entry at Pride of Detroit.

Green Bay Packers: Being unprepared for secondary injuries

Aaron Rodgers getting hurt is the easy answer — too easy. So the Acme Packing Company crew weighed in on something else they wish they had a mulligan on.

Perhaps no area of the team is as affected as the secondary. Green Bay figured to improve its cornerback depth with the additions of Kevin King and Davon House, but both starters have missed extensive time this season with injuries. After playing in 16 games both seasons in Jacksonville, House was notably hit with the injury bug once again while in Green Bay. It’s almost a curse. Without House and King, the Packers have been exposed for their lack of depth at cornerback behind Damarious Randall. Josh Hawkins has struggled in his sophomore campaign, while Green Bay has shied away from giving reps to undrafted rookies Donatello Brown and Lenzy Pipkins. Early season injuries to Quinten Rollins and the developmental Herb Waters didn’t help the situation, but it’s apparent that talent and veteran experience is needed in this unit and should’ve been addressed heading into the regular season.

For more, check out the entire entry at Acme Packing Company.

Los Angeles Chargers: Not choosing wisely at kicker

Deciding to go with Younghoe Koo over Josh Lambo. That decision alone would have given them at least possibly two extra wins. With a competent kicker, they'd have been a playoff team this year.

For more, check out the entire entry at Bolts from the Blue.

New England Patriots: The new faces at RB haven’t worked out like they hoped

This is an evaluation in hindsight because I absolutely loved what the Patriots did at running back. I loved the signings of Rex Burkhead and Mike Gillislee and thought that they would be able to form one of the best duos in the NFL. Burkhead has battled injuries all season and Gillislee has been a healthy scratch since the bye week. It hasn’t gone according to plan.

If the Patriots could do it again, perhaps they would have retained LeGarrette Blount instead of signing Mike Gillislee. The Patriots have used both players in the same fashion- they’ve been grinders between the tackles, but the coaches refused to throw them the ball to soften the run defense in the box- but Blount was a better fit just based on Gillislee’s inactivity.

For more, check out the entire entry at Pats Pulpit.

What a difference one player makes

No one could have predicted these, but still ...

San Francisco 49ers: Imagine if they had traded for Jimmy Garoppolo in the offseason

It would be mostly guess work to suggest how the 49ers would stand right now if Garoppolo had been starting from Week 1. Of the ten losses, the five single-digit games are clearly toss-ups. The second losses to the Seahawks and Cardinals were by 11 and 10 points, respectively. They are not toss-ups, but they would have been more interesting with Garoppolo in the saddle. That’s seven games right there that could have swung differently, so you’re looking at a team that could at the very least have found themselves at .500, if not better.

It’s all just speculation, but it is interesting to consider as we head toward the offseason. Barring anything unexpected, the 49ers are going to be a popular playoff pick next summer. It will be hard to really qualify them as a sleeper if Garoppolo is starting when training camp arrives.

For more, check out the entire entry at Niners Nation.

Seattle Seahawks: Malik McDowell’s ATV accident set off a chain reaction

The injury to McDowell reportedly while riding an all-terrain vehicle before the season set in motion the eventual trade for Sheldon Richardson. Not trading for Richardson again allows the Seahawks to retain a higher round pick, and in addition keeps Jermaine Kearse in Seattle. While fans and writers alike made a pariah of Kearse after struggling in 2016, he has since performed like his old clutch self for the New York Jets. Preventing the injury to McDowell, like all of these changes, has cascading effects throughout the franchise. With more cap space, better 2018 draft capital, and a receiver we know works well with Russell Wilson, perhaps the 2017 Seahawks end up better off.

For more, check out the entire entry at Field Gulls.

Tennessee Titans: Marcus Mariota taking a step back

Ultimately, I decided that the one thing I would change about the Titans season is the regression we have seen in Marcus Mariota. It has been a brutal year for him, and it has us all wondering what he will look like going forward- especially if there are no changes to the coaching staff. He needs to be running and up-tempo, spread-type offense. Mike Mularkey wants to run a slow, tight offense. Those two things haven’t gelled this season.

For more, check out the entire entry at Music City Miracles.

Can’t complain much, honestly

Oh, the season isn’t going well? Couldn’t be these teams.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Blake Bortles getting bit by that radioactive spider or whatever earlier

Maybe the one thing I’d change is flipping whatever switch went off in Blake Bortles’ head a few months earlier. If he had been playing all season as well as he has the last three weeks, we’d be undefeated. Easily. The early losses to the Tennessee Titans and New York Jets do not happen. The Los Angeles Rams don’t have enough fluke special teams plays in the world to overcome it. And the Arizona Cardinals don’t win on a last-second kick.

For more, check out the entire entry at Big Cat Country.

Philadelphia Eagles: Outside of Carson Wentz’s injury, not much

This Eagles season has been special. It’s simply not every year you start out 12-2 with a real good chance to clinch the No. 1 seed in Week 16.

Even with Wentz out, this team still have a legitimate chance to make a Super Bowl run. Their chances are obviously significant worse without Wentz, but hey, who knows.

For more, check out the entire entry at Bleeding Green Nation.

Los Angeles Rams: The waiting was the hardest part

We had to see a 10-win Cleveland Browns team and an 11-win Jacksonville Jaguars team in 2007. We had to see the Oakland Raiders turn things around last year. We had to constantly look upward at the San Francisco 49ers during their three-year run to the NFC Championship or the Arizona Cardinals who had periods of success under former HC Ken Whisenhunt and current HC Bruce Arians or the Seattle Seahawks who have consistently been a thorn in our sides since 2010.

Year after year after year, we waited. And hoped. And something worth celebrating has finally arrived.

I wouldn’t change anything except for how long we had to wait for it to get here.

For more, check out the entire entry at Turf Show Times.

Josh McCown, the one who got away

Maybe McCown has a future career as the love interest in a Hallmark Christmas movie.

Cleveland Browns: Besides everything? Letting McCown walk

McCown was still under contract with the Browns for 2018, but the Browns opted to let him go. He went on to have a great season by his standards for the New York Jets before succumbing to his annual injury bug. McCown had it rough last year after his injury, but the team could’ve kept him in camp this year to evaluate his health. If they had, there’s no doubt that he would’ve out-shined Cody Kessler, Kevin Hogan, and DeShone Kizer in the quarterback room. Brock Osweiler would’ve been cut right away instead of dragging that mess out for so long. I’d venture to guess that Cleveland would have a handful of wins right now too.

For more, check out the entire entry at Dawgs by Nature.

Denver Broncos: They should have signed an established journeyman QB like Josh McCown

Brock Osweiler - a journeyman quarterback now - was the only quarterback who looked like a functional NFL player out there, but the team never really seemed interested in keeping him as the starter. If they had brought in some other journeyman before training camp, maybe they would have liked that guy more.

Who knows. It’s a lot of woulda, coulda, shoulda, but a functional journeyman guy like a Josh McCown or something, probably would have guided this team into a playoff hunt instead of an eight-game losing streak.

For more, check out the entire entry at Mile High Report.

And all the rest

Like stocking stuffers, here are the ones that don’t fit neatly into a box.

Atlanta Falcons: All the little mistakes that cost them games

I’d erase the penalties which erased the interceptions which might have made a difference in the outcome of multiple games this year. I’d delete the interceptions that came off receivers bobbling and bumbling what should have been obvious catches. I’d terminate Julio Jones’ drops, especially the wide open one in the end zone against the Panthers that might have won that game. And I’d definitely send Steve Sarkisian’s decision to run a jet sweep on 4th and goal against the Patriots into the void.

For more, check out the entire entry at The Falcoholic.

Buffalo Bills: Rick Dennison was the wrong choice for offensive coordinator

Buffalo had Cordy Glenn, Richie Incognito, Eric Wood, John Miller, Jordan Mills and LeSean McCoy in 2016 and 2017 along with Tyrod Taylor. But out goes Anthony Lynn and in comes Dennison and the Bills offense drops to 23rd in scoring (down six points a game) and touchdowns. Instead of 5.3 yards per carry and 164.4 yards per game on the ground, Buffalo is averaging 4.2 yards per carry and 129.1 yards per game on the ground. So why are the same Bills players gaining a yard less on every carry and 35 rushing yards less every game?

Offensive coordinator Rick Dennison came in and changed everything about the offense, but especially changing the blocking assignments and the running game. He turned a successful offense into a bad one.

For more, check out the entire entry at Buffalo Rumblings.

Cincinnati Bengals: The youth movement should have started earlier

The Bengals started the season using none of their new young players. They relied on essentially a hollowed out version of last year’s squad to try and win. It did not go well. If I could change one thing it would be to infuse the youth of this roster into the starting lineup sooner and have prepared them better to succeed.

For more, check out the entire entry at Cincy Jungle.

Miami Dolphins: They didn’t start their season in Week 1 like they were supposed to

According to multiple reports back before Week 1, the Dolphins and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers both asked the league to allow the teams to play their season opening game in a neutral field, rather than postpone it until the shared bye week in Week 11, to avoid the dangers of Hurricane Irma. The league decided that moving the game to the bye week was the best option. That should not have been the answer.

The Dolphins (and Buccaneers) had to play 16 straight weeks this season because of that decision. Miami had to move out to California and spend a week there before playing their Week 2 game against the Los Angeles Chargers. The Dolphins did not have a true home game until Week 5, having to play in London in Week 4, a game which counted as a home game.

For more, check out the entire entry at The Phinsider.

New York Jets: Relying too much on veteran players to help win games

I don’t mind winning 5 to 6 games, but if I could change one thing about this Jets season it would be the wins resulting more from young players developing into foundational pieces than veterans having career years.

For more, check out the entire entry at Gang Green Nation.

Oakland Raiders: John Pagano should’ve been the defensive coordinator all along

John Pagano has pressed all the right buttons since taking Ken Norton Jr.’s place after week 11.

Under Norton, the Raiders gave up 368.2 yards and 24.8 points per game. Since Pagano has taken over, the Raiders have given up 304.75 yards and 19.25 points per game. Right now, that 368.2 yards per game would be good enough for No. 28 in the NFL.

If the Raiders had given up 304.75 yards per game all year, they would be No. 4 in the league. Their points per game under Norton would have them at No. 27 right now and if Pagano had the defense from the beginning of the season, they would be at No. 5.

For more, check out the entire entry at Silver and Black Pride.

Pittsburgh Steelers: They wish they could’ve toned down the drama

While I would love to change the amount of drama this team has experienced both on and off the field, it has done a tremendous job proving the mental toughness of this football team. Kudos to Mike Tomlin and company for keeping the team focused on the task at hand, especially when the outside distractions would have ripped apart an average team.

For more, check out the entire entry at Behind the Steel Curtain.

[thedailyjoyfulstruggle]

Criminals and Humans

“How can you work with those criminals? Aren’t you afraid? How can you stand to be around them and teach them? Don’t you want to just punish them? Aren’t they terrible people? Have you been robbed? Can they even read?”

I teach my students and I love them because they are me and I am them. My students don’t want to be “criminals.” They didn’t wake up one day and say, “Man, I want to fuck up my life, be angry, sell drugs and be a general disrespectful human being.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, 

“I want to be good but it’s so hard.” 

This is the human condition. This is the struggle we all face daily. 

Have my students made poor decisions? Absolutely. Am I going to rehabilitate them into model citizens by letting them write in their notebook for 30 days? No. 

I’m working against 16 years of conditioning that tells them that violence is the answer, that “respect” is worth killing for, that they belong in the projects, prison or the NFL; that self-medicating is okay as long as you don’t get arrested, that it’s normal to have been arrested at least once, that all cops and all white people are out to get them, that being nice to people means you’re weak...the list goes on.

I get 50 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Then they go home and resume life. Some days, it feels futile and I just want to cry. Most days, knowing that they have a place in the world to be a student, a child, a human being (rather than a gang member or a “bad kid” or the head of the house) brings me hope. Sometimes all people need is a glimmer. No, I can’t change the world. I can’t change the entire course of their lives but I can change 50 minutes of their day. I can transport them with literature. I can ask more of them. I can see their humanity. I can show them kindness and compassion. I can hold them accountable for their choices in my room. I can ask them to work and think deeply, daily.

These are the things I can do. They seem small but when the tide is overwhelming, just a little bit of air can make all the difference.

For the first two weeks of school, this one kid was stone cold. He didn’t speak to anyone. He sat alone with his arms crossed and listened. He never shared during discussion. Then he started reading a book that spoke to him, a book in which he saw himself and the ice began to melt. He started to smile, to greet his classmates and myself. He changed before my very eyes from this hard drug dealer into the kindest young man I’ve ever known. I learned that he liked the song “Oceans” by Hillsong. He liked soft music and not loud rap. We learned all kinds of stuff about this guy.

On his last day, he came into my classroom before school with the tiniest gift bag I’d ever seen. He held it out, “This is for you, miss. I got you this for your baby.” I took the bag and found that he’d smashed a set of onesies and some baby shoes inside. “I was going to get you roses, too, but I didn’t know if they would let me bring those through the metal detector.” This had never happened to me before and I was completely overcome. “Go to class before I start crying. Thank you so much,” was all I could muster. He walked away smiling. 

He was halfway through his book and was disappointed that he wasn’t going to be able to finish it. So, I wrote his name inside and told him he could have it. “You give this to me? Wow, miss. You gonna make me cry.” Pure gift.

The best part came when he said goodbye to our class (on their last day, students are always given a chance to address the class, say goodbye and give advice and encouragement). Rogelio wasn’t a talker but he told his peers this, 

“Thank you for teaching me to be myself. I didn’t know that was okay before.”

Sometimes my students find their dignity in their class community. Sometimes they see themselves, they behold their beauty as they’ve written it on the page. Sometimes they see themselves being seen by someone they thought was their enemy, and that makes all the difference.

Am I saving lives? No. I can’t save anyone’s life but I can encourage them to save their minds. Am I rescuing them from their destitution? No. I’m just walking with them a little bit of the way. Will they remember me when they leave? Maybe. Right now, I’m the crazy pregnant lady who makes them write too much and won’t let them sleep in class. I’m okay with that because I think they know that this crazy, pregnant lady loves them.

But more than ever, the world feels heavy, divided and scary. We’re so busy looking around for an enemy that we forget that the enemy is within each of us. The enemy is all of the hate, jealousy, intolerance, indifference, presumption, pride, violence, rage and ignorance that lives in each one of us. It is precisely this that makes us feel the need to box people up and ship them away.

Those fighting for social justice can forget that taking the rights of any human being is a the very form of oppression against which they are fighting; stereotyping and making blanket statements about people who have pissed them off is the very form of oppression against which they are fighting; committing acts of violence to gain power is the very form of oppression against which they are fighting.

“In order for this struggle to have meaning, the oppressed must not, in seeking to regain their humanity (which is a way to create it), become in turn oppressors of the oppressors, but rather restorers of the humanity of both. This then, is the great humanistic and historical task of the oppressed: to liberate themselves and their oppressors as well.”  -Paolo Freire

Nobody gets free by enslaving others. Nobody changes by silencing others. Unity doesn’t come by demonizing others, nor does it come by allowing injustices to occur. If we all really wanted peace, we’d talk to each other, we’d fight for each other, we’d see each other, really see each other as humans with equal dignity and humanity. Love (and love is tough, not fluffy) is the fight. Compassion, the realest of the real kind, is the fight. Anything else just makes things worse.

One of our former students is facing charges of capital murder (along with his two older brothers and an older accomplice). This student is white and the boy that was murdered was a black boy. The narrative, as told by the public, is one we’ve seen before, “If it was a white boy who was killed, everyone would be in uproar! The black boy would already be charged!” “These white boys are going to get away with it because of white privilege!” The fact is, people should be in uproar, not just because yet another black boy is dead or because a white boy has thrown his life down the drain. No, the reality is that a life, an irreplaceable life, was taken. Someone is dead, a human being no longer breathes. The real tragedy is that the circumstances they found themselves in brought on the greatest form of destruction of the human race.

The facts are simple: The Garrison boys are broken and have done terrible things. X’s life situation wasn’t perfect, he was in a bad situation that ultimately caused him to lose his life. All these young men had already faced some of the ugliest realities of the world because of the circumstances into which they were born. In this case, there is no such thing as one person having more privilege or dignity than the other--unless you consider being in jail, being a convicted felon, or being killed a privilege or a source of dignity.

Kyle threw a desk and cussed out the entire room in the first, and only, 30 seconds he was in my room. My other students cussed him out and yelled back. Nobody changed. Kyle didn’t change at all until someone was kind to him. The last thing he said to me was, “I want to do good now.” Unfortunately, his intentions weren’t enough. He reverted back to his old ways because he reentered the world that made him and continued to make choices he’d made before.

It would be easier to make sense of this kind of violence if we could make statements like, “All white people are rich and don’t face the problems black people do,” or “All black kids commit crimes because they think they can get away with it,” be true. Maybe that’s why we try so hard to make people fit into blanket statements; it’s easier to pick an enemy that way. But, this isn’t the way it is. In fact, looking at the facts is far worse than anything those statements carry. The fact is the three brothers experienced horrors that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. X faced turmoil I can’t imagine. The fact is, both boys were victims of the same problem: the system as a whole.

People think I’m crazy when I express compassion for the culprits of the murder. Like having compassion for them makes me blind to the fact that they have committed horrible acts or callous to the pain they caused an entire family, but doing bad things doesn’t strip them of their humanity, nor does it put them outside of the bounds of compassion. Acknowledging their goodness actually makes what they did worse. They weren’t made for that and yet, here we are. Compassion at its best knows no bounds and it certainly doesn’t create the latest crazy white man monster on the front page news or the black criminal who has met his demise.

I’ve been guilty of reading a horrible news story (there are plenty to go around), seeing the oppressor and thinking, “Man, another white guy killing folks because he can.” Then I have to check myself. Is this making me whole? Is this making me more compassionate? Is this kind of thinking closing the gaping divide that brings about hate and violence?

We need to teach each other how to make suffering--which is inevitable for all of us--beautiful, fruitful and a source of compassion rather than a wound that festers and turns a whole generation bitter.

Preaching the gospel of justice is only radical if you refuse to make anyone your scapegoat. Waving the flag of equality only works if you really mean that every person, even one who doesn’t see you, is worthy of dignity and respect.

We become the oppressors the second we become blind to anyone outside of our cause. This kind of thinking doesn’t make anyone free and it certainly doesn’t make us whole.