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redrobin-detective · 3 years ago

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Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached.

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control.

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule.

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown.

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments.

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand.

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents.

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture.

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...

#Ben 10 #this took sooo long whoops #i wanna write about ben's breakdown so mad you have no idea

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shititbe · 3 years ago

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Anyway, HSM2 is about internalized homophobia, and no one can tell me otherwise.

High School Musical is one of the most beloved franchises in the world. Teenagers all over the world grew up watching Troy and Gabriella harmonize together. Three movies, and nearly a decade later it’s still beloved by all. The first film easily forgotten in the ashes of the early 2000’s, the third film stuck in a purgatorial limbo of the rather unfortunate late 2000’s. The second film on the other hand sticks out between the ruckus.

The second High School Musical film takes place at Sharpay and Ryan’s family country club, during the summer between junior and senior year. The Wildcats are working summer jobs on the country club, often forced to the beck and call of Ryan and Sharpay themselves. Sharpay uses all her prestige to help Troy with college instead of starting at the bottom ( or rather, in the kitchen washing dishes) with his friends. In the time she’s helping Troy, she is also pushing her brother away; replacing him with Troy in their musical number for the talent show, and refusing to hang out with him in preference for Troy. Ryan becomes vengeful to his twin and starts hanging around the Wildcats in the kitchen. At first, he was met with some distasteful looks and words (most of which from Chad). With the help of Kelsey, and her neutral party, Ryan fits in smoothly with the other teenagers, eventually giving the WildCats all dance lessons.

Throughout the movie, the main conflict continues to be the internal conflict of Troy Bolton. He debates over and over again if he should go through with Sharpay’s shenanigans, or if he wants to “listen to my own heart.” This of course involves Gabriella, as she is Troy’s love interest. She’s not in the second film except for the beginning, then, where she leaves in the middle of the film - in order to create angst for Troy - then when she shows up again in the finally to sing/rejoin Troy.

The conflict in the second film is the combining of Troy’s two worlds. His first - his main world in the first movie, that hence became his secondary world - which is represented by Chad. Then his secondary world - which becomes his main world in this movie - which is represented by Ryan. Chad represents Troy’s masculinity, or his more idealized version of himself. Ryan represents Troy’s femininity or his current version of reality. These two worlds collide in the iconic song “I don’t dance”.

Since this movie - and hence this scene - came out in the early 2000’s, a lot of the innuendoes went over people's heads. Luckily, as the children who watched this movie grew older and more experienced, and the world became more accepting, we’re able to see this song for what it is.

Before getting into the lore and symbolism of the iconic “I Don’t Dance” sequence, context is needed. For most of human history, homosexuality was seen as a sin in all places except ancient times (see: Greece and Japan). The modern age is the most accepting on all fronts, such as sexual orientation, race, and religion. In the early 2000’s, High School Musical director Kenny Ortega was not publicialy out yet. He wouldn’t be till 2014.

Originally, while writing this, my first thought was that Kenny - the director - would be using Troy as a y/n type character to project his insecurities and struggles with masculinity, and what that means in defining his orientation and societal views that would be placed upon him. Then, it came to me later that this is in fact not the case, Troy (and Gabriella - who is in fact a y/n character for the female audience) is more of a character for a man of his time, confused with his own ideals of masculinity and the views of society because, “oh god, I can’t like theater/drama because only queer people and girls like it!” The second point is pushed further with the Troy and Sharpay sub-plot. Sharpay tries to further Troy’s career as a basketball player, though that’s not what he wants anymore, and Troy is no longer sure if that is what he ever wanted to begin with (enter the song “Bet on it” and the hilarious meme “no dad, I’m giving up on your dream”).

Keeping these things in mind - Kenney’s queerness, and Troy’s struggle to realize you can in fact sing and be a heterosexual, wow, revolutionary - it became clear to me that Kenney’s y/n characters were Ryan and Chad.

For those who aren’t into the arts, or find them too difficult after a singular attempt thinking they could write a world class novel on the first go, let me be the first to tell you every author has a y/n character. First, for those who don’t know what y/n stands for, it’s a popular fanfiction trope where a writer will write a story about a character dating, being friends, and so on, with the reader. The y/n stands for “your name” so anyone can be the main character in this story at any time. For a writer of mainstream fictional work, such as High School Musical, Game Of Thrones, Lord Of The Rings, Pride and Prejudice, Harry Potter, Hunger Games, even most comics. Now, most writers or directors aren’t going to be as obvious as having a character not named (or named y/n) or even named Jane (looking at you Jane Austin), the y/n character of many mainstream authors/directors/comic artists and so on is usually the character they feel or have given the most attributes similar to themselves.

It’s the same reason people have favourite characters. You see a fictional character and you either 1. Want to Bob the Builder them, 2. Some sort of weird sex thing, or 3. See more/the most of yourself in this character. Number three - thankfully - is usually the main reason. Some people just create their own favourite characters. An even easier way to think about this, is just projection baby, that’s psych 101.

Before I went off on a small tangent of fictional works and how human emotion plays into creating them (except anything Disney has made in the past decade, and no you can’t change my mind on that) I mentioned that Chad and Ryan are Kenney’s y/n characters. As a queer person myself, it’s clear for me to see the different struggles each of these characters face and how these reflect the queer experience.

So, let’s finally get into it.

Ryan, without it being explicitly said is clearly a character of what people in the early 2000s think a gay man is. He is effeminate, wearing bright coloured outfits with lots of accessories - namely his signature hats - he is also in the theater department doing musicals, and passive/subservient to any of his twin sisters' wills. Yes, now we know gay men aren’t just feminized men, but in the early 2000’s a gay man who can do "masculine" things like change their car oil, like sports, and so on, break the "effeminate" stereotype thus confused many cishet people. Sharpay is painted as more confident - or, for sake of comparability - masculine to her twin in the first movie, and most of the second movie. Making Ryan a bit of her dog who would do anything to get by - painting Ryan as lesser than human, once more, playing into the homophobia of the early 2000's.

Despite the clear stereotypes playing into his character, Ryan is consistently one of the most confident characters in the movie. The other, being his sister of course. This confidence in himself is what gravitates the other characters towards him, either by being intimidated (Troy, thinking Ryan and Gabriella were a thing), or admiration (Chad, by the end of “I don’t dance”).

Chad, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game. While he is confident in the first movie, and the first portion of the second movie, he begins to break more and more when Ryan becomes a more integral part of the Wildcat group. To keep in mind, Chad is also the most vocal about his distaste for Troy’s artistic past-time. When the other Wildcats join Ryan and begin learning how to dance for the talent show at the end of the movie, Chad is also the most vocal about his distaste. The baseball game where “I don’t dance” takes place, is the climax of Chad’s arc and his turn towards acceptance to Ryan/Troy’s hobbies.

Of course, there is more to the “I don’t dance” sequence than just Chad’s realization - the exact one Troy comes to terms with in the second movie as well - of “oh my god I don’t have to be gay to enjoy stereotypical ‘feminine’ things.” That is the main part of the song though, that and all the sexual tension.

Going back to what I’ve stated previously, Chad and Ryan are Kenney’s projection or y/n characters. Let me do a small recap before we get into the nitty gritty of the famous “I don’t dance” video.

Thinking back to the first few paragraphs, I stated that Kenney wasn’t publicly out till 2014, about 7 years after the second movie came out. This could be due to the fact that a) it’s the early 2000’s and everyones still very homophobic, or b) self-doubt that comes with the queer experience. The most likely reason is a mixture of both of these. Because of this, Ryan is the more self-assured version, or idealized version of Kenney that he wants to be. Ryan is confident, never being swayed about his lifestyle (could be read as: sexuality) even though Chad - and most of the wildcats in the first movie - put him through relentless “teasing” and humiliation. He’s confident, almost to a fault, he’s sure of himself, and yet still reaches out a hand to Chad and the other wildcats to show them that they’re just being, kinda dick-ish.

Every queer person wants to be Ryan. Despite his heavily stereotyped characterization, I personally believe he is one of the stronger written characters in the movies, mainly due to Kenney putting the time in to really make Ryan feel like a real person, to give himself some sort of relief of his own anxieties, a chance to see the world through a person who truly has no fear. Unlike Kenney himself.

This is where Chad comes in.

Chad is seen as “confident” in the first movie, the second Troy “leaves” basketball though, all that confidence comes crashing down. His best friend has another hobby - one he thinks is “not right” (it’s okay, you can say gay), - they wont be spending all their time together (first, can you say dependent relationship much, yikes).Chad’s defining characteristic up until their fight that instigate act three of the second movie, is being Troy’s best friend. I’m going to take this as if this were truly the case, and not a decently written character arch. Some people base themselves around their friends and their whole identity on being a friend, that they lose sight of themselves, this mainly in high school of course, when your whole world is really nothing but school, and friends. Newly developed independence is there, but that’s scary, so instead of worrying about the future, cling to something that’s reliable. I’ve seen this happen, mainly at the end of high school, when the “real world” is coming a bit too close for comfort. This could generally be the case if a person is lonely, but for timeline sake I’m going to say Chad has got some anxiety about graduating (considering the second movie takes place the summer of junior year).

His lashing out at Troy’s hobbies and at Troy’s neglectful friendship, make more sense with that background, and are seen more in the second movie where Troy begins spending all his spare time with Sharpay (trying to collect that BAG!). Chad - and others (read: father) - insists that music is not a feasible career option, and Troy should just stick with basketball (like...that is a feasible career option). The tension Chad creates in the studio only grows when the other wildcats decide to take up Ryan’s offer for dance lessons and move from the kitchen, to helping out with the talent show. (Next essay idea: how high school musical two was really about class all along, cause Jesus).

Chad is the less obvious option for a y/n character. Though again, the 2000’s were not as cool people like to pretend they are. Chad - for Kenney - represents what he actually feels, this fear of being rejected for how he is and how he chooses to live his life/lifestyle, so he sticks to something reliable. Ryan is new, and exciting, and confident in a way that Kenney/Chad wish they could be, but in order for that to happen they need to understand that maybe people are complex creatures, and can enjoy multiple hobbies (aka: the same lesson Troy is teaching the viewers, but far less boring). But, for Kenney/Chad facing that thought and that realization is scary, and thus, they lash out at anyone (read this paragraph as: Chad mad jealous of Ryan cause Ryan bomb as fuck).

All this build up, finally comes ahead in the employee baseball match

******

The baseball game is probably the most memorable scene in the whole High School Musical franchise (minus Sharpay’s “Fabulous” solo, but that’s also from the same movie, and it’s kinda rude to give what’s already the best more points); the tension in the scene, and what it implies makes it the best written segment of all three movies, let alone the most entertaining.

Some things to keep in mind from our background information: Chad is missing his bestie and struggling with what being “masculine” really means for him and others. Ryan of course makes this confusing, because the traditional method is being thrown out the window. In short, Chad has internalized homophobia, and Ryan being open - or as open as Disney would let him - is causing all sorts of problems.

Despite the song, “I don’t dance” being logged into our collective skulls for all eternity (you’re probably humming it right now, sorry about that), the very brief interaction of Ryan and Chad before the game is lost on the public consciousness. The two are clearly comfortable with each other, though the distaste seems to be on Chad’s side more than Ryans. So, the two start playfully jabbing at each other before deciding to do a bat toss to see who will be in the outfield first.

Before they begin the bat toss, Ryan says “You don’t think dancing takes some game?” Chad then very clearly checks him out, doing a simple but effective ‘drag-your-eyes-over-them-top-to-bottom-then-smile’ and says “you got game?” (Seen in gif below)

I don’t know how much you know about sex metaphors and how many of those baseball has in it (seriously though, it’s a lot), but with the bat toss, Ryan’s hand ended up on top, and Chad’s under Ryan’s. Let’s ignore this for now, it’ll be implied again later. Ryan’s team starts out in the outfield because he won the bat toss, and hence, the song officially starts.

The first lyrics (ignoring the chores of “hey batter batter, hey batter batter, swing”) is

I'll show you that it's one and the same

Baseball, dancing, same game

It's easy

Step up to the place, start swingin

This part is sung by Ryan, who is taunting Chad out in the outfield. Before the game, as stated, Chad was taunting Ryan about his lack of “game” (both sexual and not sexual metaphor are implied), and now, Ryan has turned those tables around. Baseball - is seen as more masculine than dancing, not as masculine as football or basketball, but it’s up there. Chad is someone who cares about his masculinity, enough to the point that Ryan playing baseball makes him loose his mind. Makes him question his own personal definition of masculinity, if you will.

Ryan says, “baseball, dancing, same game,” impyling that, to him, baseball and dancing are one and the same. That is baffling to Chad, cause well, how can something meant for girls even be close to something meant for boys.

Chad comes back with:

I wanna play ball now, and that's all

This is what I do

It ain't no dance that you can show me, yeah

This only proves my previous point.

I had a conversation with myself about this, and I’ve decided not to include it in this essay, but a second essay may or may not be possible. Basically the premise - the dancing/”musical” moments of High School Musical are conjured up images by those meant to see them (ie: like a visual hallucination, but, not really) but this scene kinda poo-poos that idea.

Now, the thing I am talking about is Ryan and Chad’s peacocking at each other during the time they sing these lyrics. The movements they’re making could be mistaken for dancing - as we automatically assume it is because of the title and themes of the movie - or it could be them just getting ready for the baseball game. Ryan swings his leg over the pitcher's mound, tossing the ball up and down into his glove, making wavy hand gestures, etc. Chad brushes off his gloves, swings his legs, hits the bat on each foot, and so on.

For the peacocking, Chad makes a mock of the ballerina foot stance before strutting over to the home plate. Ryan laughs at this, which earns quite the smirk from Chad himself (see gif below).

This is when it becomes a conversation.

You'll never know - R

Oh I know - Ch

If you never try - R

There's just one little thing - Ch

That stops me every time, yeah - Ch

Come on - Ch

When Chad says “Come on” it’s when Ryan throws the baseball at him, starting the game, and giving Chad’s team their first strike of the game (get it, it’s funny). Now, obviously we need to talk about the “there’s just one little thing that stops me every time.” As a queer person, I assure you, two of the things that kept me from living my Best Life were 1) my own ignorance of what asexuality was and 2) the fear that everyone I love would hate me for who I am, and what I have no control over.

Sorry to get deep like that on main, but, can any other queer person say different? Obviously, your first point may differ, but my point still stands. In the video/scene there is a very short moment (to which I have condensed into a gif for you all, you’re welcome, and I’m sorry about the quality in advance), of the camera moving over to Chad’s team (or his friends in this case since it’s an employee baseball game) as he says this line (gif below).

I will not be explaining the use of subtly in this essay, but I’m sure you get the metaphor Kenney is trying to use. If not, let me spell it out for you in very simple words. This song has a lot of sexual innuendos (as mentioned pervious with the baseball bat scene and still, more to come), with that in mind, and clearly queer themes at play (as mentioned before, again), this scene only shows Chad isn’t as straight as he leads on. His fear/phobia of Ryan/the arts come from a much deeper place.

In shorter, and much simpler terms: Chad queer.

But, let’s get back to the boy's conversation.

I don't dance - Ch

I know you can - R

Not a chance, no - Ch

If I could do this, well, you could do that - R

Translation: “If I can do this weird, sweaty, dirty, Male thing without blowing a fuse, you can and should be able to dance just fine.”

But I don't dance - Ch

Hit it out of the park - Both

I don't dance - Ch

I say you can - R

There's not a chance, oh - Ch

Slide home, you score, swingin on the dance floor - Both

I don't dance, no - Ch (This is just the chores, you’ll see it multiple times throughout the essay, I just figured if the song is going to be in your head, go all the way right).

Two-steppin, now you're up to bat - R

Bases loaded, do your dance - R

Here we are with the baseball metaphors you’ve all been waiting for ladies and gentlemen. Girls, gays, and non-binary pals. For those who have somehow managed a sheltered existence with access to the internet, lemme help you. Ryan is talking about “loaded bases” both in the context of the game (where it shows each base has one person from Chad’s team on them) and in the term of sex. While you go out there dating - while it’s mostly douche bags and people using it ironically - your nosey friends may ask you how far you got.

“First, second, or third base?” They may ask. Or something like, “oh wow, did you get to home plate/base?” These are simply the rankings of the stages of a sexual relationship. First - kissing, sometimes just handholding, Second - making out, some light groping, Third - full on groping, no clothes come off, but it gets close. While each person has different boundaries, these are the general accepted definitions for the bases.

Home base is obviously full blown sexual intercourse. Since Chad has his “bases loaded” it means he’s done all these things before, just never gone completely to sexual intercourse with someone - in the terms of the song and the history we’ve already established, it’s most likely a male character. This is only proven by Chad’s uncomfortable nature towards Ryan (internalized Homophobia, thank you, returning theme) but his easy, and cocky personality towards everyone else. “bUt thAt DoEsnT pRovE” hush, that’s the final cherry on top. Remember this conversation.

It's easy - R

Again. Previous points have been made.

Take your best shot, just hit it - Ch

I've got what it takes, playin my game - Ch

So you better spin that pitch - Ch

You're gonna throw me, yeah - Ch

I'll show you how I swing - Ch

Ah, the famous “I’ll show you how i swing” a very strong baseball metaphor for everyone. Keeps queer people from defining themselves to dangerous (straight) people, and, well, that’s it actually. This term is mostly used by bi/pan people, though if you want to stay in the closet or are in a dangerous place, it is also used to subtly tell other queer people you are in fact, not straight. My favourite is when this term came into play when President Buchanan got elected in 1856 (for those that don’t know, he’s the first and only gay president).

You'll never know - R

Oh I know - Ch

If you never try - R

There's just one little thing - Ch

That stops me every time, yeah - Ch

This is again, the same lyric as before it doesn’t pan, and the tone is much different. The camera stays on Chad as he says this line, meaning he’s reflecting, he is now his own problem, the person that is keeping him back. His friends are not on his mind anymore, which is good, Ryan’s Gay Propaganda has been working.

Come on - Ch

I don't dance - Ch

I know you can - R

Not a chance, no, no - Ch

If I could do this, well, you could do that - R

But I don't dance - Ch

Hit it out of the park - R

I don't dance - Ch

I say you can - R

There's not a chance, oh no - Ch

Slide home, you score, swingin on the dance floor - Both

I don't dance, no - Ch

Lean back, tuck it in, take a chance - R

Swing it out, spin around, do the dance - R

I wanna play ball, not dance hall - Ch

I'm makin a triple, not a curtain cal - Chl

I can prove it to you til you know it's true - R

'Cause I can swing it, I can bring it to the diamond too - R

You're talkin a lot, show me what you got - Ch

Again, like the beginning of this song, this is a heavy base for flirting and sexual tension, which this song is drowning in.

Stop swinging - both

Hey - both

This is the part where they all start a flash mob in the middle of the baseball diamond. Again, alluding to the conversation I had to myself earlier, this only proves my own theory as no one takes notice of this. But, that’s not this essay, this is where I mention how close Chad and Ryan are at the end of the group dance.

Come on, swing it like this - both

Oh, swing - both

Jitterbug, just like that - both

That's what I mean, that's how you swing - both

You make a good pitch but I don't believe - both

Here is yet another (and the final) sexual innuendo. This is actually a rather quick one. Pitching in queer culture is considered the person who tops (because queer people even had to straight-ify their sex lives to “top” and “bottom”), this is the person who is giving, if you know what I’m saying.

I say you can - R

I know I can't - Ch

I don't dance - Ch

You can do it - R

I don't dance, no - Ch

Here is where that mosh pit ends, and how they get a little too close to comfort.

Nothing to it, atta boy, atta boy, yeah - both

The rest of this song is simply a mash-up of the baseball game being finished, and this lovely gem.

Now, clearly, Chad’s self conscious nature towards his sexuality is gone, he’s sitting close - if not squishing - Ryan, and talking to him like they’ve been friends forever. Take note of the change of close, most likely due to all the tension at the end of the song, and maybe a little of Chad’s own natural human curiosity built in. Now, I leave you with this note:

If there is anything that confirms all this more, its Chad’s girlfriend wearing the pride colours.

Also note: this could also be seen as a friend helping his bro discover his sexuality and fighting internalized homophobia, but, that’s ignoring the sexual tension, so go off I guess.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Watch the full thing here

#high school musical 2 #ryan and chad #do they have a ship name?#troy bolton #high school musical #the original not the remake or whatever the kids have now #ryan evans #chad danforth #Sharpay evans #troy x gabriella #ryan/chad #that baseball scene #yall know what i'm talking about #i don't dance #the gayest scene ever #and gayest song #Anyways: the series #should I write that second essay?#thanks for coming to my ted talk

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danwhobrowses · 3 years ago

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Cobra Kai Season 4 Review

I mean, how could I not binge it?

5 hours later and I'm fresh off of Cobra Kai's 4th Season, the Battle for the Soul of the Valley

Silver's back! Danny and Johnny are teaming up! Hawk has redeemed himself! How would we follow this up? Well, I found out and now I will review it

Spoilers for Season 4, Watch it first, Read this second, No Mercy!

So, I liked it, definitely liked it, buuuuuuut I also found myself only liking it. The season is still a strong season with implications into going into a fifth, but I did have my qualms about it which I will start with.

What Wasn't Great

It takes a while to gather pace After a very exciting set of episodes last season, the hype was on for this fourth season to kick off, but the first few scenes did kinda derail that momentum. It took about 3 episodes for Terry Silver to actually get back into Cobra Kai and properly push the story's major conflict along. So one of the early criticisms I do have is that it starts a bit slowly, we could've trimmed a bit of the fat.

Daniel and Johnny still don't get along Now we did expect growing pains, but after a point we did kinda hope that when Johnny learned Miyagi-Do and Daniel learned 'Eagle Fang' the rift will have ended. Instead after a kinda cheap draw to a fight Johnny trained all day for but Daniel only trained a few hours for they decided to ignore the kids and train separately. I mean they had a common goal and a common enemy, they could've put aside their differences a lot earlier in the story. I understand that the narrative wanted it to be more them shooting themselves in the foot, but it kinda felt like a dumb call, equally because only Sam decided to just train for both schools, which the other kids probably should've done as well given that they had a whole truce written up and remain friends with each other.

The last thing Sam needed was Aggression Samantha LaRusso continues to sadly be one of my least favourite characters. After having a whole season of her acting out and getting aggressive out of fear towards the girl she had beaten up twice, it kinda felt contrived that the story made her Johnny's crossover project. Her added aggression did not help her character either, only serving to paint Tory in a more sympathetic light, I didn't want to root for her and her behaviour only served to vindicate Daniel over Johnny's teaching (which we will get to in a bit). If anyone would've profited from the aggression in my mind it would've been Demitri, but we kinda dropped the ball on that one for the sake of drama.

Aisha only gets a cameo!? During Samantha's character arc though we get to see Aisha return, it's just a shame that it only lasts a pep talk. Because as she says, Johnny's teachings worked for her, and after establishing a female tournament in the All Valley there was definitely the platform to reinsert her into the cast - given how the season had only 2 women in the whole karate war at that point. With Stingray's return and additional use to the plot, we could've benefited having Aisha there, also as a bridge for Tory and Sam, since she was friends with both.

Forced and Out-of-Character Drama Of course some tensions made sense, and the teenage drama is a key part of it, but the show has done the Miguel/Sam/Robby/Tory love quadrangle for the fourth time in a row now, we have to pull the other one with it, the whole pre-tournament drama between Miguel and Sam felt forced. Kenny being confronted by Eli and the younger Miyagi/Eagle Fangs also felt a tad off, having been on that side you'd expect sympathy from the young newcomer, like how Eli did tell him to get out of Cobra Kai, it did feel odd at the drive-in movie that they kinda cornered him for no real reason other than to push tribalism.

Eli's character arc is rushed at the end Eli did engage in a really good character arc, the problem I have though is that before the tournament there was a session where he doesn't do much between returning to karate and entering the tournament. It probably would've helped to show him learning more of Miyagi-Do's style, and explaining why he didn't go back to Eagle Fang because Miguel is also his close friend, it would've also helped to serve the build to his and Eli's confrontation in the tournament.

It just barely hits second gear I said earlier that I liked it, but only liked it, and that's mainly because I was waiting for it to hit a new level, but it barely did that. While the gear it was on was still a good gear to be on, I didn't feel the same excited energy I got last season where confrontations felt like they were seconds from exploding. It probably didn't help that we had to work around the rules of the All Valley, limiting the room for the massive brawls of past seasons, but it did feel like it could've kicked off a bit more.

Sympathy for Kreese!? I did not expect us to try and humanize Kreese again, especially with actual effort to make him sympathetic and not manipulative. I can see the idea of shifting Silver as the big bad, but John Kreese is the Sith Lord here, he's the Palpatine, so having him crumble a little from seeing Johnny in pain and then telling Tory to do things her own way, especially off the back of his prior manipulations and intimidation didn't quite feel right. If we wanted to move Kreese out of scope for a while then we could've had him arrested without the whole Silver confrontation. Silver is great, especially as a maniac, but Kreese is THE Big Bad of this franchise.

Daniel gets the shine while Johnny sits in the shade, again! Unfortunately one of my main worries with Cobra Kai continues to stay prevalent in the show and it's that Daniel remains golden. This is mostly in a karate sense at least, because the season ends and we don't at all challenge that Daniel is a flawed teacher, or that his way isn't the best way. Eli wins the men's tournament under his banner, even though it's the aggression and confidence grown from Johnny's style that wins it for him, Miyagi-Do is the runner up group of the All Valley - even though Johnny would be much more about the flashy moves and weapons skills than Daniel would be - it's Daniel always dishing the life lessons and being the 'Apollo', even though this is meant to be Johnny's side of the story. I also dislike that they drew, it made sense narratively but I'm tired of pretending that Daniel is superior to Johnny in karate and teaching, while dancing around Silver's reminder that he does indeed have that innate aggression and hotheadedness without really having to confront it.

Meanwhile Johnny does take way too many Ls in this show, his side of the argument feels weaker in that he's jealous of Daniel and annoyed that Miguel is turning passive while Daniel worries that Sam can't control her temper and is acting more aggressive (which is more valid), he loses to Terry Silver in single combat even after showing that he can fight Miyagi's style, he has a rift with Miguel because he drunkenly talks about wanting to reconnect with his son, and ends the show having to give up his dojo, his only source of income, his ex-students he helped train from the start are champions who want nothing to do with him, and now he feels like he has failed Miguel by trying to push him too hard, it's a heavy contrast from Daniel who comes off a lot rosier and still treated like his karate is unproblematic and unable to produce bad eggs - it's always Johnny or Cobra Kai's aggression that is the problem - even though he's the reason for their latest rift. Johnny should struggle yes, but it falls flat when Daniel gets to have all the glory while Johnny deals with the baggage.

The Agreement is not Honored! This was an annoying point to end on as well. I can understand that we needed to push the story along somehow without nullifying Cobra Kai's win, but it feels wrong for Daniel to up and say 'I'm not gonna honour this bet we lost' when calling on Chozen to help. In a way he's doing the same thing Kreese did in Karate Kid 3 and calling on a fellow practitioner who has the franchise of his karate (since Chozen inherited Sato's dojos that teach the Miyagi style). It's very uncharacteristic of Daniel too, and not very paragon of him, especially since there are three different outs we could've had in the fact that: the All Valley rules were changed, Silver bribed the ref, and combined Eagle Fang/Miyagi-Do should have enough points to match or beat Cobra Kai. It was a weak way of keeping the dojo wars going, and hopefully it's something I hope can be cleared up next season.

What was Great

The fanservice is still the right mix Cobra Kai's strong suit has been finding that sweet spot between nostalgia and moving forwards, so luckily it's good to see that hasn't gone. We did pull back a bit more on the nostalgia, focusing more on the actions of the past movies rather than the quotes, we can still feel the energy of the Karate Kid legacy, but it's also good to know that we have a time and place for it.

Amanda helps turn Tory Amanda LaRusso has been sitting mostly on the sidelines for the series, being the supportive role for much of the series. But seeing her step out has worked to benefit both her and Tory's characters, sympathizing with the troubled girl and at least trying to make steps towards giving Tory a second chance. Paired with the cruel and excessive behaviour of Sam and it does push the audience to being more sympathetic towards Tory, which opens the door to her showing signs of a face turn too.

Robby steps into his father's shoes The introduction of Kenny Payne is an interesting new part of the story, being Robby's protege as he helped him defend himself from bullying using the training he learned. It bears similarity to how Miyagi took Daniel under his wing and how Johnny took Miguel under his, more the latter given its conclusion, Robby having his Season 1 moment where he saw how the excessive nature of Cobra Kai can corrupt and change people in a negative way. It was a good parallel to use, and one that allows Robby to better understand his father and his warnings about Cobra Kai itself, which like Tory can lead to his eventual face turn.

Anthony is a Character Now! Anthony LaRusso was a nothing character from the start, exuding youngest child energy of getting away with anything and being spoiled, his absence in Season 2 wasn't really missed. But Season 4 has actually put some effort into making him a character, and an interesting one at that. Making Daniel confront both his neglectful parenting and the fact that his son has turned into a bully was a very interesting take, one that makes Daniel have to embrace the stricter and aggressive approach that Johnny is more known for.

What's interesting for Anthony though is that while he is definitely a bully, he's not exactly a Johnny type, if anything he's more like Bobby was: a bully with a conscience succumbing to peer pressure. He's talked big game and been pushed by his friends to antagonize Kenny, acting impulsively and jealously while masking that they actually share interests and could've been friends. Now he also has to reap what he sows, with Kenny now becoming the bully and him the bullied, which can lead to more development for both characters.

New Blood in the Pack While we are definitely not done with our OG or our Cobra Kai cast, we've also began to add new faces to the cast. Debate team/New Eagle, Devon definitely has potential as a female Johnny-like character, as does Moon's flexible ex Piper - though we may have to worry if she's a little masochistic. Kenny is a good addition, while I was expecting his brother to show this season we did make a story out of it. Outside of Karate we also have Anthony and Kenny's joint love interest who one will expect will sow conflict in later seasons, as will Tory's money-hungry aunt. It would help if the show provided more focus on the side characters that aren't Eli, Demitri and Anthony but these additions felt a lot more natural and set up to play a role later on.

The Correct Tournament Calls I did have my concerns with the All Valley rule changes, especially since we had little female cast members doing Karate, but they did just about make it work by being both a meta commentary and providing a solid conclusion to it all. Miguel pulling his back on the penultimate episode was definitely a shocking moment and a great cliffhanger, but him not returning and forfeitting the match was a unique call to allow Eli and Robby to take the final (to tell you the truth when I was mulling over how I thought the season would go I actually had Robby beating Miguel in the semis and fighting Eli in the finals so it kinda lined up well for my thinking). While Sam and Tory was always going to be the women's endgame fight - because they're the longest standing female karate fighters - but I'm glad that we finally gave Tory her W, a win that was kinda overdue since I felt that she should've won during the school fight. The way Tory won was cool too, wanting to do it the right way and also extending an olive branch to Sam, which made Silver bribing the ref sting even more.

Eli's redemption In spite of his absence, Eli/Hawk's road to redeeming himself felt much more earned this season than it did last season with his instant face turn. Building bridges again, not acting out aggressively, and 'finding his center' with the help of Demitri, it all built up to a cathartic moment when Moon motivated him to demolish Kyler. While the Miguel fight definitely didn't go the way anyone wanted, his finals battle with Robby was just excellently done, building the tension and the suspense of who could win (though it was kinda telegraphed with the announcer's saying that Cobra Kai only needed to win once). Growing respect between both rivals, Eli's arc reached a peak with his victory that felt really earned, finding a proper balance with his character - it would've worked better at least if he acknowledged Johnny during the tournament for his role in helping give him the confidence that helped him win.

I'd also like to point out that Eli is the more perfect example of how blending Miyagi-Do and Eagle Fang could work. While Sam was more aggressive in her style, Eli found a perfected balance to show the profits of the hybrid style.

The Madness of Terry Silver Everyone was curious just how the ponytailed maniac that was Terry Silver was gonna gel into Cobra Kai as Kreese's second. While there was uncertainty at time, Silver definitely grew into the role the more unhinged he became. It was interesting that there was friction between the two also, and while I wasn't all too for him turning on Kreese the way they did, we got to see the contrasts that made both villains stand out in the movies. While Kreese can be manipulative, he was always subtle with it and intimidating, meanwhile Silver is purely cerebral, exuding the mad energy to fit the 80s universe wormhole Cobra Kai fits in. With him taking the helm as the main villain, we will likely see much more chaos from him, and possibly even Mike Barnes the Bad Boy of Karate also make a return.

The Story will Continue While this wasn't the best of seasons for me, I was happy to learn that Season 5 will be coming in late 2022. The loose ends on this season was a positive sign that we would be going in interesting directions with Silver's Cobra Kai against Daniel and the returning Chozen, all the while Johnny goes to Mexico City to find Miguel - who wants to 'learn where he came from' by meeting his birth father, who doesn't know he exists. This can of course cause conflict between Miguel and Johnny but also send them on their own kind of 'Okinawa Adventure'. What this means for the Dojo wars is unclear, since it seems that Johnny is gonna probably honour the agreement while Daniel isn't, what this means for the Eagle Fang lot I'm not sure, and how Johnny's excursion will affect Robby too.

We will likely see more of the younger breed's drama take over but I would still like to see a negative example of Miyagi-Do, and of course Daniel properly break bread with Johnny and find the balance necessary, saying they're 'set in their own ways' feels a bit off because Johnny's way is different to his old way. Perhaps though Johnny needs to be the Apollo in this one, it is supposed to be more his show than Daniel's after all, but there are positive signs for Season 5 (and hopefully a conclusive Season 6).

But overall, Season 4 was a well-balanced story that worked more in the favour of the villains being humanized rather than the heroes putting aside their differences. It had some weak spots for sure and didn't quite reach the same heights as Season 3 but it still pulled off some excellent choreography and continues to enrich the Karate Kid universe

#cobra kai season 4 #cobra kai #johnny lawrence #daniel larusso #john kreese #robby keene #tory nichols #samantha larusso #miguel diaz #eli moskowitz #hawk #demitri cobra kai #kenny payne #anthony larusso #terry silver #cobra kai spoilers #amanda larusso

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trampohlena · 3 years ago

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Okay, so after last night’s episode I would just like to say that Supercorp IS Endgame. I’d also like to point out the various reasons as to why Kara and Lena are not only soulmates but true twin flames.

For those reading this post who have never heard of the term twin flame: “A twin flame is your own soul, shared across what appears to be two physical beings. It’s one soul, split into two bodies.” -Google’s definition.

For those who are spiritually inclined and have a proclivity for indulging esoteric philosophies; Lena and Kara are ABSOLUTELY twin FUCKING flames 🔥🔥🔥!!

Here are the reasons why:

1. Their drastically different childhoods that resulted in remarkably similar trauma.

Both Kara and Lena have experienced great loss throughout their life. Both mourned the death of their parents, and life as they knew it, at a very early age. Both were shipped off to a foreign land, forced to leave behind everything they knew, in hopes for a brighter/safer future.

Albeit, Lena got the shorter end of the stick in regards to unconditional love, but both were given a second chance and a new start...and yet, they still never fit in, or felt like they truly belonged.

Although they individually have dealt with said trauma in different ways (Lena by pushing away those who try to get too close, and Kara by holding on tightly to those she holds dear) both of their actions are motivated by the same subconscious fear that they HAVE never and WILL never TRULY belong. All while yearning for a sense of “home”.

2. They are opposite reflections of each other; true “mirror souls”, if you will.

Physically, aesthetically, economically, and emotionally—they are complete “mirrors” of one another.

Kara is strong, physically powerful, cut from marble, all hard edges and sharp lines—except for her face. Lena is clearly not as physically powerful, she is soft, all curves, and exudes the grace of the Devine feminine energy—except for her face, which is hard edges and sharp jaw lines. You see what I’m saying?

Aesthetically and economically go hand in hand of course. Lena’s exorbitant wealth is evident in her high-end designer appearance; whereas Kara’s aesthetic is more humble and grounded, and prioritizes comfort over “fashion”. (Let’s admit it. Some of Kara’s fashion choices have been questionable. She clearly rocks the chinos and button-downs better than anything else in that eclectic closet of hers she refuses to come out of 😏)

Emotionally...oh honey. Do I need to say more? I won’t say much but I will say this: Kara is the sun and Lena is the moon. They compliment each other in a way that ensures the world keeps turning.

3. Their individual strengths are the other’s individual weakness and vice versa.

Goes along with the aforementioned “opposite reflection” point above but I’ll expand a bit further in regards to their specific personality traits.

Lena is predominately analytically driven, whereas Kara is emotionally driven. Lena is good in crowds, Kara is not (overwhelmed). Lena is introverted, Kara is extroverted. Lena is detail oriented and has the memory of an elephant, Kara is clumsy and as forgetful as a Pisces (but hey, she has a lot on her plate and barely any free time to balance it). Lena eats like a rabbit-bird-hybrid and Kara eats like a garbage disposal. Kara loves giving and receiving hugs and other forms of physical affection whereas Lena does not (UNLESS it’s from Kara, of course). Etc. Etc. you get the picture.

4. Now this one is the DEAD GIVEAWAY. Undeniable, irrefutable PROOF that Lena and Kara are twin flames.

They are LITERALLY completing what is know as the Twin Flame Journey or the Twin Flame Union.

The stages of Twin Flame Union are roughly as follows:

1. Yearning for “the one”. I think every human being that believes in love experiences this whether it’s throughout their entire life, or only their adult life until they meet this person but yeah. You get it. Kara has always wanted that “Wapow!” moment.

2. Glimpsing/meeting “the one”. Whether it’s only for a short moment, an extended meeting, or perhaps merely locking eyes with them as you pass each other by...you feel immediately connected. There is an instant soul recognition when meeting them, so much so that you could have sworn you’ve met them before or that it’s as if you’ve known each other your whole lives.

Remember when Kara met Lena? And she was gaga-eyed over Lena? Or when Lena felt so comfortable around a new acquaintance that she granted an almost stranger unbridled access to her office? Or how about when Red Daughter flew to America (the country she was taught to hate), with no recollection/memories of Kara’s relationship with Lena (again, the woman she was taught to hate), all because she felt PULLED to do so. And then when she did meet Lena she looked at her and practically drooled over her as if Lena was a double XL cheeseburger with extra special sauce from Big Belly Burger? Like, biiiitch 👀

3. Falling in love. Need I say more? Fine, again, I will. You CANNOT tell me that there is no way in hell that these two morons are anything BUT in love with each other. That’s a lot of double negatives and I appplogize so let me reiterate for clarification: THEY ARE IN LOVE AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE MY MIND!

And at this point is it so freaking BEYOND platonic love, the show cannot explain it away or sweep it under the “just close friends” rug. No. Kara used her Fifth Dimensional Wish (she literally could have wished her entire planet didn’t explode) and she said “make Lena not mad at me, I’m sad 😔” 👀. Mmmkay. Not to mention Lena picking Supergirl over Jack, her former lover. Or the plethora of other times Lena chose Kara/Supergirl over everyone else she knew. Mmkay.

4. The fairytale relationship/friendship. Lena has finally found someone she can depend on, be vulnerable with, support her without judgement, trust with her life etc. and Kara has finally found a true best friend, not her sister, not Kenny who she didn’t realize was her best friend till after he passed? And now he’s not dead?? But her one true best friend that she felt she didn’t need to be neither Supergirl, nor Kara Danvers, but rather Kara Zor-El around (despite Lena not knowing that little tidbit of information).

They were each other’s best friend. Each other’s person. They were happy.

5. Outer Turmoil and Inner Purging—Supergirl and Lena fight. Lena still does not know that Kara is indeed Supergirl and does not pick up on the brewing tension between herself and Kara.

Kara of course is riddled with guilt and her relationship with Lena becomes strained. This outer turmoil creates inner purging by bringing out negative traits in each other. I.E. Lena hiding kryptonite and also Kara asking James to spy on her. Shit gets messy but they still try to make it work.

6. The Runner and the Chaser/Separation Stage—Tensions mount between the two and Lena FINALLY learns about Kara’s secret. And she has a choice to make. So what does she do? She runs. Not physically but emotionally. She completely withdraws from not only Kara and their friends but also withdraws from herself.

She literally experiences cognitive dissonance and becomes someone she is not. Someone other people made her believe she was on the inside, even though Kara knows that it isn’t. And so, Kara chases her.

Lena becomes the runner and Kara becomes the chaser as they navigate this separation stage.

Continuously running and continuously chasing.

7. The Surrender and dissolution stage—they’re fucking done. They’re tired. They’re exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally after all the bullshit they put each other through as well as all the bullshit Lex and the Phantom Zone put them through.

They come to an impasse in regards to Lex and realize the only way to defeat him is to work together, as a team. (El Mayarah anyone?)

They surrender to their emotions and to each other as their egos dissolve and their souls expand after having learned invaluable life lessons. The major one being: THEY CANNOT LIVE HAPPILY WITHOUT EACH OTHER!

8. The last stage that we have yet to see but we fucking better or else I’m gonna January 6 the CW studio building—“Oneness”.

This time, I’m not gonna say more.

So, in conclusion: Supercorp is Endgame because Lena Luthor and Kara Zor-El Danvers are the literal definition of a twin flame, soulmate connection. They are the same soul, manifested in two physical forms, for the sole purpose of expanding their soul’s consciousness.

They deserve to be happy, they deserve to be together. Not only does their union parallel some of the greatest love stories throughout history, i.e. Romeo and Juliet, Darcy and Bennet, Superman and Lois (duh) it would also break the curse of generational karma and illustrate to anybody who watches the show that the only person who defines who you are is YOU. Not a name, not a legacy, not society’s expectations, YOU. And most importantly of ALL...it would showcase that love truly does conquer all.

I rest my case.

TPTB, make Supercorp Endgame or kick rocks ✌️😘

Sincerely,

An empassioned fan with way too much time on her hands.

#supercorp #supergirl #lena luthor #kara danvers #welcome back kara #soulmate #twin flames #the cw

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undyingskies · 4 years ago

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Jealous

Hello everyone, I am back yet again with another Charlie fic! I really enjoyed writing this one, it was a lot of fun! Also it’s long about 3,000+ words, I read over it and edited it as much as I could, so I really hope I caught all the mistakes! As usual I am happy to take requests, especially because I am starting to run low on ideas! Anyways, hope you enjoy! xoxo

Warnings: None really, there is a little make out sesh but it’s not long!

_________________________________________

Season 2 came before you knew it, even though it felt like the renewal of Julie and The Phantoms took forever. But the minute it got renewed to now felt like a whirlwind of activities that happened before you could even take a breath in.

Now it’s two months into filming and this is the first time you’ve been able to visit your boyfriend Charlie since the start of it. You had to finish your semester of school before you could come visit him, knowing that you’d never get any schoolwork done if you came to visit during the semester.

It was a long two months and you truly could not be happier to be sitting smushed between Charlie and Owen in the car heading to set at 6 am. Any other time you would have dreaded being up so early but it didn’t seem so bad with your boyfriend’s hand resting on your thigh and the bickering of the two boys.

“You guys have been up for maybe an hour and you seriously haven’t stopped to take a breath from whatever you guys are arguing about this time.” You laugh, while pointing it out, because seriously it started the minute they woke up this morning and hasn’t stopped.

“Y/N, I feel like you’ve forgotten the dynamic that goes on between these two and their early mornings. We have sleep beauty number 1 and 2 here!” Jeremy laughs from the front seat.

You know he’s right; these two boys bicker non-stop anyways but especially on early mornings since they both love their sleep.

“Thanks for coming to set today baby, I know you got in yesterday but I don’t think I would have been able to get much done today knowing you’re sitting at the apartment waiting for me.” Charlie whispers into your ear sending chills down your spine and butterflies to erupt in your stomach at his early morning voice.

“Of course, you know I wouldn’t miss it for a thing besides I miss the rest of the cast! I’m excited to see them!”

A smile takes its place on Charlie’s face and he leaves a small kiss on your neck before turning back to look at his phone.

You originally met Charlie on the set of Julie and the Phantoms season 1. You never wanted to be on the big screen or some big actor but the industry always intrigued you so you signed up with a local company to be an extra for sets. It let you travel, see the business, and put money in your pocket when you weren’t doing school.

You were an extra for the crowd scenes, so basically any time the band played you were there watching. One day before they started filming, you were watching Dirty Candy perform and without thinking you started doing the choreography with them. You had been a dancer for about 12 years but a bad knee injury took you out of the game. Your love for dance never stopped though so you really enjoyed watching them perform.

I guess the girls had noticed you doing the choreography so they approached you asking if you were a new dancer on set. Embarrassed that they caught you dancing, you let them know you weren’t, you just watched them so many times you had memorized it by accident.

The girls were really nice and you quickly took a liking to Savannah and Tori, they would ask you to hang out while they practiced because you could pick out little details to fix or make better. From there it turned into a beautiful friendship, they started inviting you to hang out off set and to all the hang outs with the rest of the cast. Then before you knew it, you were a part of the group and always attached to their sides.

When you first met Charlie, of course he got your attention, his cute smile and energy would grab anyone’s. You never really thought much of it after though, but you always did notice that he would always look at you and for a little extra longer, he paid a little more attention to you when everyone was talking as well as you, and he always seemed to smile just a little bigger when he’d pull you into a hug to say hello.

Then one day he asked you out, just like that. Savannah and Tori mentioned that they thought he was going too but you didn’t think he would. Nothing ever really happened between you two, it was just a friendship where you flirted sometimes, but like you said before you noticed those small things but didn’t think much of it.

Of course you said yes though, he looked so nervous and cute that you felt yourself fall almost immediately after that. Which pretty much happened, after your first date there was another and then another, and then you guys were in a relationship and pretty much inseparable.

A tug to your hand pulls you out of your thoughts, you guys had arrived on set and Charlie was tugging you out of the car. Sometimes the boy forgets his own strength and he has you tripping out of the car. He laughs and stabilizes you by grabbing onto your hips. He looks down at you, placing a sweet kiss to your lips that was quickly interrupted.

“Is that Y/N we see?” You hear Tori squeal followed by a “Yes that sure is.” from Savannah. Then they’re both next to you pulling you apart from Charlie and engulfing you in a group hug between the two girls.

It does feel good to be back with them, they quickly became two of your closest friends during your time as an extra on the show and you never lost touch with them either.

“Charlie, they need you in costume quick, they want to start as soon as they can to-Y/N!!” You hear your name yelled and arms wrap around your waist.

You turn to see the one and only Madison Reyes, you’re quick to wrap your arms around her as well. You loved the girl and she felt like a younger sister to you, she always came to you to talk and tell you secrets. You had really missed her even though she did facetime you about once a day.

“Mads it’s good to see you, I’ve missed you girly!”

“I’ve missed you too ya know, those facetime calls just don’t always cut it.” She laughs. “Anyways they do need us, they want to start filming as fast as they can today.” She says turning to Charlie and letting you go.

“Well you wouldn’t mind if we stole your girlfriend then would you Charlie since you’re busy?” Tori asks. “Besides you had her all yesterday, it’s our turn now.” You laugh at the girl’s words and turn to your boyfriend.

“I guess it’s alright, I’ll see you on set then? You said you’d watch our performance today.” Charlie says while pulling you in for one last hug before you depart.

“Of course, you know I wouldn’t miss that!” He places a kiss on your lips before he leaves with Madi and you with the girls. Who are both staring at you almost two excitedly.

“You two scare me sometimes, so much energy so early in the morning.” All of you laughing at your words. You follow them to the area where they will be filming but they have chairs and breakfast set up as well. You’re sitting with the girls, just drinking some coffee for the time being.

“So how has it been Y/N, does it feel good to be back around this craziness?” Savannah asks you.

“It’s been good, as far as life goes not much has changed since we all last talked! I finished the semester strong and only have two semesters left which is a relief. I hope when I’m done that means I will get to be around more and to travel with Charlie. And of course if feels good to be back! I’ve missed it and everyone really. I was bummed not to be able to re-sign to do extra work but I had to focus on school.” You tell the girls.

“Oh of course, we get that. Everyone here just misses you so much especially Charlie! As much as I am glad, you’re here so we can see you, I may be more glad because now we don’t have to hear him complain about how much he misses you.” You laugh at Tori’s words. The girls decided to actually send you quotes of the day that Charlie said about how much he missed you, that boy was quite dramatic but the quotes did end up being the highlight of your day more often than not.

You’re engulfed in conversation with the girls and don’t even realize the time flying by. They talk about the new season how it’s going, the new dances that they’re doing, your relationship and any other topic you could really think of.

A flash of orange catches your attention, you know that orange beanie like that back of your hand and you’re glad to see that it’s making its appearance in season 2. You follow the hat as it’s weaving through people and see it stop in front of the cameras.

Charlie’s eyes catching yours, he gives you his dazzling smile and wave in your direction before Kenny pulls his attention back to him but not before Kenny throws a wave in your direction as well.

“Well we got to go, we’re all in this scene but we’ll see you after!” Savannah says pulling you into a hug, Tori quickly following her movements.

Now you’re left alone, to watch the scene unfold in front of you. It really is so much fun to watch them all interact with each other on and off the screen. It’s such a wonderful dynamic they all have going on.

This scene is some scene at school, where Dirty Candy confronts Julie. Julie has the boys behind her giving her comebacks to all the jabs thrown her way from Carrie. It’s actually a funny scene watching the boys yell the things at Julie.

Take one, take two, take three, take four, and then a large grumble erupts from your stomach pulling your thoughts away from the scene before you.

You look down at your watch to check the time, it has been about two hours and you’ve been so distracted by everything that you forgot to eat. The moment of realization makes your hunger grow about ten times more. You quickly make your way over to the food table.

There’s donuts, brownies, cookies, some croissants, an assortment of chips, and some breakfast sandwiches. Honestly it all looked so good, and your stomach was telling you to get a bit of everything. The donuts and croissants calling your name the most, and maybe one chocolate chip cookie as well. You’re finishing up putting together your plate and grabbing a water when a voice startles you.

“I’ve never seen you before, are you new here?” You turn to see a boy, probably about your age, dressed in the schools letterman jacket.

“Oh no, not really.” You say with a smile, turning back to grab your water and food, to walk back to where you were sitting.

“Oh really? I guess I’ve missed you around here then, what’s your name?” He asks, following your lead and sitting in the chair across from you. Guess this conversation isn’t over, you think.

“Ya, I’m actually just visiting. I was an extra for the first season. It’s Y/N.” You say hoping that was the end, but nope.

“Oh cool, I’m Josh.” He says leaning in, reaching out his hand for a handshake while scooting closer to you. Almost too close and beginning to ask more questions.

Little did you know, that someone’s eyes were on you watching the whole situation. The longer Charlie watched the more he could feel the pit in his stomach growing. He didn’t like how close that guy was sitting next to you or the way every time you said something he would just lean that much closer.

The look in that guys eyes could have made Charlie stop in the middle of the scene and yell something, but he’s too professional for that. But that look, he knows what that looks means, that guy liked you and he didn’t understand why you weren’t stopping the conversation. The pit in his stomach now a giant hole and his ears and face on fire from anger or is it jealousy he thought.

“And cut. That’s the last take for this one, great job guys!” He hears Kenny yell and before anyone could talk to him, he’s got his eyes locked on you and walking straight towards you.

A pair of arms wrapped around your shoulder and a kiss to your neck scares you, pulling you out of the conversation that never felt like it was gonna end. You can see Josh’s eyes widen at the action that just unfolded in front of him and before he could say anything you hear Charlie pipe up from behind you.

“Hi baby, who’s this?” You can hear him ask in a tone you never heard before; he sounds upset?

“Oh um this is Josh; he was just telling me about the role he’s playing this season.”

Charlie reached his hand out to shake Josh’s hand.

“Well it’s nice to meet you Josh, it’s weird that I’ve never seen you before. I appreciate you keeping my girlfriend company while I was just a little busy.” You can practically hear the jealousy coming from his voice and you don’t miss how Charlie emphases the world girlfriend.

Josh visibly gets uncomfortable by his words.

“Oh ya man, sure. Sorry, she didn’t mention she was here for her boyfriend, just said she was visiting.” He says giving an excuse to why he’s so close to one of the stars of the show girlfriend.

“Oh she didn’t, interesting...” Charlie says trailing off and giving you a look you don’t think you’d ever want to see again.

“As much as I would have loved to bring up the fact, I had a boyfriend there wasn’t much of a moment for me to mention it between Josh’s story telling.” You say getting upset at Josh and Charlie’s actions. Sass and frustration evident in your voice.

You can see Josh’s cheeks get slightly red. Charlie is quick to grab your hand and start to pull you away with a quick,

“Well nice to meet you bud. We’ve got to be going now.” He says while still pulling you away.

The minute you’re out of sight and hidden behind a wall Charlie has you pinned against the wall and his lips on yours.

He doesn’t even give you a chance to catch up before he has his tongue swiping your bottom lip to get in. He’s quick to bite down on your bottom lip, a moan escaping you.

Your hands entangle in his hair pulling him closer, his hands gripping your hips pulling you up to have your legs wrap around his waist. Charlie moves his hands down to cup your butt giving it a slap as he starts to attack your neck with his lips.

You can’t help but lean your neck to the side giving your boy all the access he wants, basking in the feeling of his lips on your skin.

You’re pulled out of your little world when you hear voices and they sound like they’re getting closer.

“Char...Charlie, stop, someone... there is someone coming.” You struggle to get out as he keeps kissing your neck, you place your hands on his chest to give him a little push away. You’re able to get him to detach himself from your neck and place you back on your feet.

Two people walk past you guys giving you small awkward smiles, definitely knowing what was happening due how close you guys were standing, the mess that Charlie’s hair now is, and what you can only imagine is two pairs of swollen lips.

When they leave, he’s quick to attach his lips back to yours. But you place your hands on his chest pushing you away a little bit, even though it took everything in you to do so because man is that boys mouth magic.

“Baby, what’s going on? As much as I know you and your love for what’s happening, it’s never this public.” You ask, slightly concerned at your boyfriends behavior.

He shakes his head a little and moves his hand to rub the back of his neck, a pink tint appearing on his cheeks.

“I just, I don’t know thought it’d be fun.” He says not making eye contact.

“Oh that’s some BS Gillespie, what’s up?” You knew your boyfriend too well and that was a cop out answer.

“I just, I didn’t like how that guy was looking at you, or sitting so close to you and then he brought up how you didn’t say you were here for me and I just I don’t know...” He trails off still looking away sheepishly.

A small smile does form on your face as his words, you’ve never seen Charlie get jealous and truthfully it was a little cute.

“Oh so someone was jealous?” You ask with a little laugh.

“What me? Jealous? No, never!” Again, he’s trying to brush it off; but with the lift of your eyebrows he knows you’re not buying it.

“Fine, I was jealous okay? I know it’s bad to be jealous but whatever...”

“Actually, I think it’s pretty cute.” You say with a little laugh, grabbing onto his arm to pull him closer to you.

“Really?” He asks with his signature smirk and that tone of cockiness he just always seems to sport just a little. He now has his arms wrapped around your waist pulling you just that much closer, if it’s even possible.

You give him a nod and lead his lips back down to yours to interlock them again. This time he pulls away but leaves his forehead leaning on yours.

“I love having you here, even if it means you get hit on by gross extras.” You laugh at his words and the fact that his insult is what a twelve-year-old would come up with.

“I love being here, you know that. I really did miss you.”

“I missed you too sweet stuff, just don’t forget you’re here to see your very handsome boyfriend.” You both laugh together at his words.

“How could I ever forget? Plus it seems like if he thinks so he gets a little jealous and I don’t mind the outcome of it.”

“Oh shut up, you’re my girlfriend just gotta make sure everyone knows.” You roll your eyes at his words and he leans down again to place another kiss on your lips.

“Yep, your girlfriend and don’t you forget it.”

You both laugh again as you pull him in for another kiss. Your boyfriend may be a little crazy but you wouldn’t change it for the world because nothing feels better than being able to be back in his arms and laughing in between sweet kisses.

#charlie gillespie #charlie gillespie imagine #charlie x reader #charlie gillespie x oc #charlie gillespie x reader #charliegillespieimagines #charlie gillespie fic #charlie gillespie fanfiction #julie and the phantoms #luke jatp #jatp

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vennilavee · 3 years ago

Text

salt & the sea

pairing: levi x reader (perp universe)

summary: kuchel has passed away, and levi makes a visit to the sea.

warnings: descriptions of death

word count: 1.4k

a/n: hello it has been 3 months good day all, missed u<33

Levi has always had bittersweet memories of the beach. He can remember many, many weekends in his childhood with his mother and with Kenny. He can vividly recall the feeling of comforting sea water and a salty, sea breeze fluttering in his hair.

But the sight of nebulous, grey storm clouds over the sea has always made him nervous. His mother always told them that there was nothing that compared to an angry sky and an upset sea.

Even as a child, he would cling to the skirt of his mother’s dress even if he saw a single storm cloud. But Kuchel always loved the sea, no matter the weather.

Sometimes, when Levi was safe inside with Kenny in the little cottage she had rented for a weekend getaway, she would stay outside on the beach. She would sway with the gentle breeze as if she could fall over with even the slightest push.

She has always loved the sea, the openness and the unknown. The thought of the sea sets Levi on edge- after all, the idea that the ocean was vastly unexplored was enough to set anyone on edge.

But not Kuchel. She loved everything about the sea.

Which is why she had asked that when she passes away, her ashes be scattered into the sea, at her favorite beach. Levi had stilled at the request, his entire body going rigid.

But here he is. Standing at the nearly empty beach with his mother’s ashes in an urn. It’s the middle of the summer, but this beach is tucked away from anyone who doesn’t know that it already exists.

He’s alone on this beach. Except for him and his dead mother’s ashes, he’s alone.

But then there’s you. You, who had held him in the early hours of the morning last week, when the doctors had called him to tell him that Kuchel had passed. After so many months and years of suffering, she was dead.

Some part of him feels relief that she is no longer in pain. No longer feeling the absurd weight of life sucking her dry.

But still. His mother is gone and his heart is torn into insignificant little pieces.

Levi had operated on autopilot the day he found out. To the point that it worried you. The only inclination he gave you that he was struggling was the way he squeezed your hand tightly as you drove to the hospital together. Or the way he would uncharacteristically lose focus.

He insists he’s fine, ignoring your soft, concerned questions to focus on the logistics that come with a loved one passing away. You wish he would stop for just ten minutes. He’s hurting, you know he is.

His steely eyes are still and stormy, and he hardly meets your gaze. Whether on purpose, or because if he meets your eyes, he’ll break apart thread by barren thread… you don’t know.

Levi has always had a level head. This time, you worry that he’s too collected. This is uncharted territory for you, too. You don’t want to push him before he’s ready.

You watch him with careful eyes as the sand beneath your bare toes softens. Levi stares out into the open, neverending sea. His eyes are narrowed, lips pursed into a thin line. You don’t know what he’s thinking.

It makes you nervous. You don’t know how to approach him, how to talk to him. But you think not saying anything at all is worse.

You wrap a steady arm around his bicep and squeeze lightly. “Levi,” you say gently, “It looks like it’s going to rain in a few hours. We should go inside.”

“I need to stay,” Levi says tonelessly, “Will you stay with me?”

“Of course, honey,” you murmur, squeezing his hand gently. He squeezes back. You stand with him in silence for a while, your thoughts straying to the funeral ceremony from only days ago-

Levi’s eyes were blank, his stare hollow. People came and went but he cannot recall who he spoke to. What was said.

All he can remember is his mother’s dead, gaunt face. She looked so peaceful. Like she was only asleep in the hospital bed that had become her home.

He wants her to wake up. He feels so tired.

Is he asleep? Is he awake?

Kenny is somber next to him, looking at the casket warily. He almost can’t bring himself to look at his sister, but he does. He has to.

The cremation is the worst part. Levi managed to hold himself together through it, mostly with his hand in yours.

His mother, his dead mother who was previously so warm and filled with life in the apples of her rosy cheeks, is now reduced to ashes. Levi holds onto the urn tightly.

What else is there to hold onto after all?

You. There’s you. He squeezes your hand, reminding himself that he’s not alone.

“Levi?” you ask quietly. The lines in his face are tense, eyes vulnerable and closed off at the same time.

He hums in acknowledgement, the gentle sea breeze rustling his hair. It’s familiar, the salty taste of the air melting on his tongue.

“What are you thinking?”

Silence rings heavy in the air for a moment, but it feels like much longer. His words struggle to scratch their way out from his throat, somehow still held inside in a tight knot of unspoken sadness.

“I used to hate it when it stormed here,” Levi muses, “Was always so fucking eerie. But… Ma loved it. For whatever reason.”

“Then let’s stay.”

Heavy winds whip through Levi’s hair (you think he needs a haircut, the ends are getting long these days) as it starts to rain. It’s a cold type of rain, the type of rain that you know you both will end up sick from.

A soft headache is already forming in the forefront of your skull, but you stick it out. For Levi.

Who hasn’t let go of your hand the entire time.

The urn containing Kuchel’s ashes sits half buried in the sand, as if Levi doesn’t know what to do with it.

And then somehow, the sky splits open once more with the crack of lightning and rain pours down you.

The glossy sheen of wetness in Levi’s eyes doesn’t surprise you.

Levi doesn’t say more than ten words to you as the onslaught of rain and wind only increases in the next few minutes. You shiver next to him and notice that the apples of his cheeks are reddened from the cold.

You sneeze. He looks at you, as if being ripped out of his trance.

“I’m ready,” he says softly, rubbing your thumb with a featherlight touch.

“Okay,” you nod.

He takes a hesitant step forward, the rain whipping in his face. He tries, he really does. He tries to loosen the lid of the urn off to drop the ashes of his mother into the cold, unforgiving sea.

But he can’t.

“It’s okay,” you murmur, “Let’s go inside. We’ll get sick if we stay out here any longer.”

“I have to do it now. She loved the sea, even when it was shitty like this,” Levi says forlornly.

“If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. It doesn’t have to be today,” you say over the noise of the wind, “It can be tomorrow. Next week. In eight months. When you’re ready.”

Levi stares at you long and hard for a moment, only pulled away when the sharp crack of thunder startles you. He cradles your wet cheek and takes your hand, leading you into the small cottage.

Once you’re both warm and dry, wrapped in blankets and comfortable clothes, you stand by the window to watch the rain fall against the sea. It’s chaos all concentrated in one place, and you’re mesmerized by it.

You feel Levi’s presence behind you before you see him.

“Ma loved watching all of this,” Levi murmurs into your ear, pulling you into his arms.

“I can see why,” you reply, rubbing his hand, “It’s pretty to watch. When you’re not wet and cold, I mean.”

Levi exhales a laugh into your skin. He holds you close without saying a word, only wanting to feel the softness of your hips and the warmth of your skin against his.

He tilts your jaw towards him to drop a desperate kiss to your lips. He wonders if you know that your presence is a bright light in his life. While he’s always had a level head and had his feet on the ground, you bring comfort along with your light.

He never wants to see you dim yourself.

Levi doesn’t realize that tears are slipping out of his eyes and onto your cheeks until you thumb them away, pulling him in for a long, long hug with only the surrounding storm to keep you both company as evening turns into night.

tags: @simpingmaize @kentobean @captainchrisstan @alrightberries @celestidarling @regalillegal @castellandiangelo @bakuhoesworld

#levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi x you #levi ackerman x you #levi ackerman

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dream-a-little-bigger-x · 4 years ago

Text

Hero Complex | Owen Patrick Joyner

Requested by anonymous: Hi!! Can you do one where the reader is Jeremys little sister and she comes to set and hits it off with Owen and they start to hang out a lot and Jeremy gets really protective of her

A/N: I hope this is what you were looking for!

Pairing: Owen Patrick Joyner x Little Shada!Reader, Jeremy Shada x Little Sister!Reader

Warnings: fluff, big fight, anxiety

Words: 7,084

Reader’s POV

Jeremy and I have been the best of friends ever since the day I was born. He might be my older brother, but I’ve always considered him more like my best friend. We used to play games together when we were younger where I’d pretend to be a princess and he was the knight protecting my castle from dragons and dangerous monsters. Or, when we were in a swimming pool, I’d pretend to be a mermaid and he was my dolphin. We played so many pretend games, I’d lost track of most of them. When we got older and made a lot of new friends, we still tried to take at least one night in the week where we’d spend time together, whether it was watching movies together or jamming or just chatting about absolute nonsense or going out together. I even got to be his best (wo)man when he married Carolynn about a month ago, and we’ve been calling each other non-stop since he started this new project of his with Netflix called Julie and The Phantoms. I helped him prepare for his audition and was equally as excited as he was when he got it. This role was written for him. Though, when bootcamp and filming started, it did mean I’d have to miss him for a very long time since he was all the way in Vancouver for months on end. So, now I’ve come up with the idea to go and visit him and Carolynn in Canada. I’d called Carolynn to help me out and surprise him. She picked me up from the airport just a few minutes ago, and as we’re catching up in the car, I can’t help but feel giddy at seeing my brother again. It feels ages since I’ve last seen him at his wedding. That’s also when I saw the rest of the cast last. Jeremy had introduced me to the ones that were at the party, and I loved hanging out with them. It felt like being introduced to one big family that quickly became part of my own family. That was one fun night, but that’s all it was. One night of spending time with all these people and then never hearing or seeing them again. To be fair, they were all really busy with rehearsals and filming and everything. “Are you ready?” Carolynn asks when we’re at the door of their Vancouver apartment. “Yes!” I reply in a hushed voice, just to make sure Jeremy doesn’t hear me. Carolynn unlocks the door and walks in first, I follow suit. My eyes dart around quickly to take in as much as possible before the two of us turn a corner to the living room here Jeremy’s on the couch, watching something on the tv. “What’re you watching, bro?” His head snaps up at the sound of my voice, his eyes widening as he takes in my presence. “No way!” he exclaims as he gets up quickly and rushes over to me, taking me in his arms in a bone-crushing hug. “I can’t believe you’re here!” he mumbles in my ear as he twirls me around. “I wanted to surprise you,” I tell him as he puts me down again, taking my hands in his instead. “I don’t go back to college until like next week, so I figured, why not?” I’m overexplaining again, I know it. Jeremy doesn’t care how I’m here, he just cares that I’m here. “You wanna come to Set with me today?” he asks with this sparkle in his eyes he only gets when he’s really excited about something. “I’m sure the others would love to see you again!” I can’t help the smile tugging at my lips as I think about how much fun they all were at the wedding. There’s no denying that I’d love to see them again too. So, I nod my head eagerly, earning an excited squeal from the boy in front of me. “The driver will be here in half an hour, you need some time to freshen up after your flight?” “Yes, please!” Carolynn guides me to the bathroom where she puts out a pair of towels for me. I shoot her a thankful smile and when she’s out of the bathroom, I get into the shower. Once I’m all dressed and ready to go, the driver is already in front of the building. “Hey, Darren,” Jeremy greets as he gets in. “My little sister’s coming with me today.” He buckles himself into the seat as I do the same. “Hi, I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet you,” I say to the driver. He gives me a kind smile through the rearview mirror, letting out a small ‘hi’. He must not be very talkative. “What scenes are you filming today?” I ask my brother instead whilst the driver heads down to the next stop. “I think there’s a gig scene we’re filming today,” he answers, and the car comes to a standstill. “We’ve got about ten more minutes before Charlie and Owen head down. You want some coffee?” My eyes bulge out of their sockets at the thought of caffeine alone. I’ve been up for so long, I could use a good shot of wakeup-juice. “Guess that’s a yes. Let’s go!” he lets out a chuckle before getting out of the car with me in tow. “Do I need to remember anything I can or can’t do on set?” I ask the only thought that’s been haunting my mind since coming up with this idea. I knew he was going to have to work, and I also knew he would want to bring me to set. As a newbie to this entire world of filming a show, I worried I would be in the way or say the wrong things or break something. I knew I needed some pointers from my best friend to calm me down. “Just try not to trip over anything, Clumsy,” he simply answers before turning to the barista. This coffee shop seems really quiet at this time of the day, there are no customers at the counter. Just a few at the tables, most of them with their laptops open. “A large coffee with two extra espresso shots, and a medium black coffee to go, please,” he tells the man behind the counter. “Can I get your names, please?” he asks with the pen in hand. “You can write Shada on both of them,” Jeremy answers. The man nods his head curtly before scribbling down the name on both cups. He pays the barista and then moves to the end of the counter, pulling me along. “Filming with Kenny Ortega is really chill, Lil’ One, no need to worry,” he reassures me, taking me into a side-way hug, planting a kiss to my hair. “I’m just really nervous to be on a set, does that sound ridiculous?” I ask, twisting the bracelet around my wrist. It’s the one I got from Jeremy and Carolynn for Christmas last year. “No, I think that’s pretty normal. I ought to bring you to set more often, get you used to it all.” “Yeah,” I agree in a hushed voice, going over every possible situation that could go wrong. My train of thought is interrupted by the barista calling out our last name, sliding the two cups over at us. I grab the large cup whilst Jeremy takes his, and exit the joint to head back to the car. “Oh, seems like we’re right on time,” he points out, waving at two boys near the car. The brunette I know as Charlie, waves back before hopping into the front seat next to Darren. The blonde guy, better known as Owen, doesn’t get in yet, and instead waits for us to reach the car. He holds the door open for me, letting me get in first before hopping in himself. Jeremy jogs to the other side, getting in there. Now I’m squeezed between the two boys, clutching my coffee as if my life depends on it. “It’s good to see you again, lil’ Shada,” Charlie says, turning to face us. I giggle at the nickname. They’d called me that at the wedding. The entire night. “Surprising your big brother?” I nod my head in response. “Yeah, I didn’t have anything better to do, so… Came to annoy my brother and his buddies at work.” This makes all three boys laugh, which, not going to lie, makes me feel ten times more at ease. I thought seeing the boys again would be awkward. It’s anything but that. They make me feel so relaxed, and as though I’m a part of their group. Once we’re at the set, Jeremy introduces me to most of the crew and the rest of the cast, but especially Kenny Ortega. “Oh, look at that! Lil’ Shada’s here!” he says, opening his arms for a hug, which I gladly give him. I did meet him at the wedding, but it was so brief, I didn't think he’d remember me. “Hi, Kenny!” I greet excitedly and then let go of him. “You don’t mind if I hang around the set the next couple of days, right?” He inspects me from head to toe, eyebrows raised, and I can’t help the anxiety that’s welling up inside of me. I knew I shouldn’t have come over, I knew this was a bad idea. Kenny doesn’t want me here. I’m just going to be in the way of his mastermind working its magic on this show. I’m going to be a distraction for the actors, especially Jeremy. “Of course I don’t mind, Lil’ Shada! Jeremy's family is my family!” The pressures and intrusive thoughts wash away immediately. Those are the words I needed to hear. I sometimes think I need too much affirmation and confirmation, that other people get annoyed. My therapist told me that’s just my anxious brain speaking. He said if I want confirmation, I need to ask for it. Jeremy has been a great sport in my mental health journey from the very beginning. He took me to my sessions, did the exercises my therapist gave me with me. He’s always making sure I’m okay and gives me the confirmation I need whenever he feels I need it. Which is always at the right moment. “See, Lil’ One? Told you it would be okay!” I shoot both the men a thankful and relieved smile. Kenny places a hand on my shoulder as he passes me, leaving Jeremy and me all by ourselves. “You wanna go to makeup and wardrobe with me?” he asks, to which I nod. He then grabs my hand and leads me to the destined trailer. The second I step inside, I hear an ear-piercing screech coming from one of the chairs, and before I know it, I’m engulfed in a group hug by two pairs of arms. The sweet floral scent entering my nose tells me who it is without having to look at them. Savannah Lee May and Victoria Caro. “Hi, girlies,” I giggle, hugging them back equally as tight. The two let go of me, keeping me at arms length to inspect my entire being. Their make-up is only half done, Savannah’s hair is curled to perfection whilst Tori’s is put up in curlers. “I can’t believe you’re here, Lil’ Shada!” Savannah says, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. “We were just talking about you last night,” she points at Tori, who nods vigorously. “Yeah! We were wondering when we’d see you again because we missed you after your brother’s wedding!” the smaller girl explains. My heart melts at the idea of these two girls caring so much about me, they’re wondering when they’d see me again. “Aw, you guys! I missed you too!” I pout, trying my hardest not to start crying from happiness. “Hey! What about us?!” Owen’s voice sounds from the back of the trailer. I turn around to find him in the last chair, getting his hair done. “I missed you too, Owen, but I already saw you earlier!” I tell him whilst making my way to Madison and Jadah in the other chairs. I hug them each from behind, making sure not to ruin their neatly-done hair. “Yeah! But you didn’t say you missed us!” he exclaims. His bottom lip sticks out in a pout. Shaking my head, I make my way towards him and place my hands on his shoulders as I stand behind him. “I thought that was a given,” I whisper in his ear and then turn again to find Sacha and my brother near the doorway. The latter is looking at me with happiness emanating from his eyes. “Hey, Sacha!” I offer the boy a wave, which he returns with a smile. A busy-looking woman squeezes past me towards Owen, so I take a step back to give her more room. I watch her as she plays around with his hair, using spritzes of hairspray to keep it in place. I always loved doing other people’s hair when I was younger. I braided all of my cousins’ hair or used curlers on them whilst playing ‘hair-dresser’. My love for hairdressing went out the door as I got older and more anxious, but seeing this woman play around with Owen’s hair so determinedly, it reawakens the desire and enthusiasm. “This is Teresa,” Owen says when he catches me staring at his head and Teresa’s fingers. “She’s a magician when it comes to hair.” Teresa shoots me a kind smile through the mirror, which I nervously return. They caught me staring, that must’ve been a weird -- and kind of creepy, let’s be honest -- sight. “Y/N used to dream about becoming a hairdresser,” Jeremy informs them when he’s taken a seat in one of the chairs too. As both Teresa and Owen look at me with surprise in their eyes, I feel the heat rising to my cheeks. “You wanna give it a try?” Teresa asks, stepping aside from Owen. I open my mouth in pure horror, not knowing what to tell her. There’s no way I could ever do what Teresa’s doing. What if I mess it up entirely? What if I ruin all the work Teresa has put into his hair? What if I ruin Owen’s hair? “There’s not much you can do wrong with Owen’s hair. It pretty much just does what you ask,” Teresa tries to reassure me after probably seeing the absolute horror in my face. I glance at Owen in the mirror. He gives me an encouraging nod. “Okay…” I mumble and step up to his chair. “How do you need his hair?” I ask Teresa. Owen’s character Alex probably has a specific way to how he wears his hair. He’s a ghost from the 90’s, I’m sure it’s a little different from his usual hairstyle. “Leonardo DiCaprio from Titanic,” Teresa simply replies, which is enough for me to know. I nervously raise my fingers to Owen’s head, suddenly anxious about the fact that I’m going to be touching this attractive man’s hair. My eyes dart over to his reflection in the mirror, our eyes locking. He licks his lips before they curl up into a smile that gives me enough encouragement to just go for it. I play around with it a little and grab a comb to guide me before asking the hairspray. Teresa hands me the bottle and I spritz some more of the product onto his blonde locks. Though Teresa has already done the works, pretty much, I’m just left with the finishing touches. It takes me about five minutes to get it in perfect shape. “You can tell you’ve had years of practice,” Teresa says, impressed at my work. “I mean, you pretty much did the gist, I just… finished it…” I trail off shyly. I avert my eyes from Teresa to Owen, who’s checking himself out in the mirror. “No offense, T,” he starts, turning to Teresa, “But I think someone’s coming for your job.” I’m frozen to the floor from the compliments that I don’t even move when Owen gets up from his chair and turns around. Suddenly, he’s mere inches away from me and all I can do is crane my neck to look up at him. A vibe I never felt around him when I first met him surrounds us now, resting down on us like a blanket. I don’t know why this is happening or how, but all I can see for a good minute is Owen and his tender smile. Until he places his hands on my waist, picks me up, and puts me down again a feet further. “I gotta go,” he says with a smile, “See you around, Lil’ Shada.” He boops my nose. The sudden movement startles me a little. I watch him walk out of the trailer before I come back from my daze and find everyone else in the trailer looking at me. “What?!” I ask, confused at why I’m being stared at. “What was that about?” Jadah asks, chuckling as she turns to face me. “What was what?” I ask again, seriously unaware what had just happened. “You, pretty much drowning in Owen’s eyes,” Madison reminds me. The thought of Owen’s eyes looking into mine just minutes ago warms me up from the inside out. Especially the nose-boop. “What?! No, I wasn’t,” I deny, but I don’t think I can hide it from either of these people. Thank God Jeremy had left before Owen. He would not have liked that. Jeremy is an amazing brother, but he can get a little overprotective when it comes to love-interests. “I’m gonna go…” I cough awkwardly, trying to come up with a good excuse, “Find my brother…” That feeling I had in that trailer doesn’t subside for the rest of the day. Sometimes I think it does, and then Owen looks my way or sends me a wink from the other side of the room and I’m back to feeling absolutely and utterly mushy. “Hey, you wanna go get lunch with us, Lil’ One?” Jeremy asks around noon when they’re done filming the scene. I take a look behind him, Owen and Charlie standing there, awaiting my answer. I lock eyes with Owen again, and he offers me a beautiful smile that persuades me. “Yeah, sure,” I reply and link my arm with Jeremy’s. The two other boys fall into step with us, Owen on my left, Charlie on Jeremy’s right. “Where are the others?” I ask. Not that I don’t like the idea of having lunch with these three boys. I just really like hanging out with the others too. “They had to start filming another scene, they had lunch earlier,” Jeremy informs me as we enter the restaurant on the other side of the street from the lot. Owen takes a seat next to me while Jeremy and Charlie sit down on the opposite side of the table. “So, Lil’ Shada,” Charlie starts after we’ve ordered our food and drinks. “I heard you did Owen’s hair this morning…” I am taken aback by his subject of choice, especially since he makes it sound so teasing. My eyes dart from my brother to Charlie and back, unsure of what to say. Owen jumps to the rescue then, feeling me tense up beside him. “Yeah, she did a wonderful job! Her fingers are kinda like magic.” I look up at him, earning a smile from him in return. “Yeah, well, what can I say? It’s a talent,” I flip my hair over my shoulder confidently, though in my mind I’m wondering where all this confidence comes from. Even Jeremy is a little surprised by it whilst the other boys just laugh. “Maybe you should ask Kenny to start next week,” Charlie suggests with an excited grin. “Yeah! Then you could stay with us longer!” Owen’s enthusiasm dazzles me even more so than the words that come out of his mouth. He wants me to stay longer… “I still have to get through college, you guys. I can’t just quit?” I’m catapulted back into reality as those words roll off my mouth. “Do you know how much college costs?!” Owen and Charlie share a glance, wondering if either one of them knows. “I’m an actor, Lil’ Shada, so no…” Owen whispers in my ear without breaking eye contact with his buddy on the other side of the table. I let out a laugh, shaking my head in amusement. “How long are you staying?” Charlie then asks, his eyes flickering from me to Owen and back. “A week. I start college again next Monday,” I reply when the waitress finally brings us our food. “Thank you,” I say to her with a smile, the others doing the same. “So, you’re just gonna stay a week?” Owen queries before taking a bite from his lunch. “Yep… Going home on Sunday,” I answer. The disappointment in his face is prominent. “But I might come back soon if Jeremy will let me.” My eyes dart over to my brother, who hasn’t said much since we sat down. “Can’t really say no to Lil’ Shada, can I?” My lips curl up in thankfulness. “Besides, I think the rest of the cast would hate my ass if I took you away from them.” His eyes flick towards Owen for a split second. He has caught on to the vibe Owen and I have been giving off towards each other. Maybe it’s not just in my mind. “That’s very true,” Owen agrees, his mouth full of food. I turn my head to look at him, eyebrows raised at his immature way of eating his food. My eyes then fall on his chin, which has a little dressing seeping down it. I raise my hand and swipe my finger across his skin, taking the sauce away. He freezes at that moment, halting mid-chew. “Dressing,” I show him before licking it off my thumb. He swallows harshly and when I look back at the boys on the other side of the table, they’re staring at me too with wide eyes. “Someone ought to get this dude a bib,” I joke, trying to take the tension away. Charlie lets out a laugh, nodding his head agreeingly before turning back to his food. My brother, however, just raises his eyebrows at me. He doesn’t love the idea of his little sister being intimate with anyone. Especially not one of his best buddies. I can’t help it though. I’m a twenty-one year old woman, I have feelings. I have hormones. Jeremy’s overprotectiveness isn’t going to take away the fun from this week. I’m not going to let it.

And I don’t. I spend the entire week on set, either hanging out with some of the girls or with my brother and the other boys. Teresa lets me help out in the mornings with the cast’s hair, teaching me some new tips and tricks. If anything, it just brings me closer to the cast, which is a nice bonus. Mainly because it also brings me closer to Owen. The connection we created during my time in Vancouver has only grown from that first day. Whenever Jeremy’s not around or he can’t hear it, the two of us harmlessly flirt with one another and, whenever he doesn’t have a scene to shoot, we hang out together. One day, he took me to Julie’s bedroom set where we sat on her bed and talked until we fell asleep huddled up into a cuddle. Jeremy wasn’t happy when he found us like that. Even though I did tell him it was just an innocent nap. He didn’t take it. My brother’s disapproval didn’t stop us though. We just kept going to that set to take a nap together. It has become my favorite part of the day. “Hey,” he captures my attention. We’re cuddled up on Julie’s bed, legs entangled. My head’s resting on his chest, one arm slung over his stomach whilst the other is squished between our bodies. He has his left arm draped around my shoulder, his fingers trailing up and down my arm. “What?” I ask, looking up at him. He’s staring at the decorative lights above us. “Do you really have to leave tomorrow?” His voice sounds so soft, I’d almost believe he’s sad. “I mean… Yeah… I don’t think I can miss my first classes of the semester,” I whisper as though it’s a secret. My fingers start drawing patterns on his chest and abdomen as my eyes focus on them instead of his face. I’m too scared I might kiss him if I keep looking at him. “Can’t you follow them online? Or just… I don’t know…” he exhales deeply, my head bobbing along. “I just don’t want you to leave yet.” I want to reply, but people bursting in the room cut me off. I scramble upright, terrified it might be Jeremy. Instead, Owen and I are tackled by Charlie, Savannah and Madison. “Group cuddle!” they scream, making me and Owen giggle. I go back to my previous position while Charlie comes to rest his head on my thigh, his arms around my waist, the rest of his body curled up between Owen and me. Savannah takes Owen’s other side, mirroring my position while Madi rests her head on his stomach. “What were you guys chatting about so intimately?” Savannah asks, followed by a yawn. “Me leaving,” I sigh joylessly. I feel Charlie’s arms tighten around me and Owen tense beneath me. Savannah’s eyes lock with mine, a pout forming on her face. “I don’t want you to leave. It’s been way too fun with you around,” she whispers. “I agree,” Charlie mutters. “Ditto,” says Madison, making me smile widely. Even more so when Owen presses a kiss to my hair. This is where I want to be for the rest of my life. Not on some stupid campus studying for a job I don’t even want to do. I need more time with these people. And I’m going to get it. It’s about time I did something for myself instead of constantly doing shit for others.

“Can I talk to you guys for a moment?” I ask Carolynn and Jeremy at the dinner table. Jeremy halts, his fork lifted mid-air, while Carolynn simply places her cutlery down, giving me her undivided attention. I inhale deeply, trying to gather all of my courage. “I was wondering if I could stay here a little longer? I haven’t talked to mom and dad yet, but I wanna do an independent study this year while interning with Teresa.” Jeremy drops his fork on his plate, a loud clatter echoing through the place. “She asked if that would be something I’m interested in, and to be quite frank, I am. Helping around this week really reminded me of how much I loved doing it.” I glance at Jeremy, noticing how tense and frustrated he’s becoming with every word I say. “Being a doctor was never my dream, Jer. It was mom’s. I think I need to do this. I need to do more things for myself instead of wanting to please others.” “I agree, sweetie,” Carolynn chimes in, offering me a supportive smile before the two of us turn back to the man of the house. He has his lips pursed, clearly mulling this over in his head. “This is about Owen, isn’t it?” he finally asks. The mention of the boy I had grown so attached to startles me at first, I didn’t expect him to be brought up in this conversation since it has nothing to do with him. “He put you up to this?” I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. I have no clue what to tell him. On one hand, I do want more time with him and Charlie and all the other cast members. I want more time with my brother. But I can’t hide that it’s mostly Owen that’s drawing me here. Spending time with him made me feel so much more connected to myself, in some way. He calms my anxiety. He makes me feel happy. Genuinely happy. “Of course he didn’t, Jer. Why would he do that?” I finally manage to bring out. “Because you’re clearly in love with him, Y/N!” The loudness of his voice and harshness of his tone makes me flinch. “But he’s not right for you! He’s distracting you from your goals, making you think this is what you want! You don’t know what love feels like but you think you do! You and Owen can’t happen, and you can’t stay here. You have to go back home!” The anger and frustration builds inside of me, and pours out in the form of tears. “You don’t have a say in this, Jer! I am twenty-one, I’m not a child anymore! I can decide what I want to do with my life and I can decide who I love!” I’m surprised by the words that flow out of my mouth. “I get that you wanna be the protective brother, Jeremy, but this is going too far. You have to let me make my own mistakes! You have to let me live my life the way I want it to!” He angrily shoves his chair back when he stands up in frustration, making Carolynn flinch. “You’re still a child, Y/N!” he shouts at me. I stand up too, leaning my hands on the tabletop. “I’m not even a year younger than you, Jer! If I’m a child, so are you!” I yell back. “At least I’m married and have a family!” he aggressively points at Carolynn, who’s rubbing her face in desperation. My eyes flicker from my sister-in-law back to my brother. “I would be in a relationship if you didn’t scare off every person I ever brought home!” “I didn’t want you getting hurt, but did I ever get a thank you for that?!” I scoff at him. He’s not playing the petty card right now. “That’s just life, Jer! People get hurt! People break your heart! But you never even let me experience that pain because you’re too obsessed with being the good brother!” My heart is pounding out of my chest. Jeremy and I have never fought like this. Sure, we used to bicker when we were teenagers, but it’s always been something stupid. This screaming match sounds like years of bundled up distress from both of us. “You have a hero complex, Jer…” I lower the volume of my own voice. Jeremy lets his head drop, knowing all too well I’m right. About everything. About the hero complex, about him meddling in my life. Everything. “I think it’s better if you go to your room for a while, Y/N,” Carolynn orders sweetly. The pent-up anger still hasn’t gone completely, it makes me want to lash out at Carolynn too. “Still not a child,” I mutter instead before grabbing my bag and leaving the apartment. Once the cold Vancouver air hits me, the realization of what just happened does too. The tears escape again, along with anger and regret. I don’t regret what I said to my brother. It’s the truth. It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking for years. What I do regret is telling him all of that in a burst of anger instead of a civilized conversation like we used to back in the day. That’s the only thing I really do regret. After a while of roaming the streets of Vancouver and getting riled up about the whole situation again, I find myself aggressively knocking at Charlie and Owen’s door. I don’t know where else to go and Owen’s the only one who could calm me down from the anger and frustration I’m still holding inside for my brother. I still can’t believe he even dared to say that to me. “Lil’ Shada!” Charlie greets excitedly, but his smile quickly disappears upon seeing my state of being. Jaw clenched, balled fists, tears running down my face. “Hey, Gorgeous, are you okay?” Owen appears in the door too after hearing Charlie utter my nickname. Upon seeing the boy, I race into the apartment, grab his face and bring him down to meet his lips. He’s startled at the force and aggression I’m putting into this kiss, but that soon dissolves when he kisses back. His hands find their way to my waist, pulling me closer and closer until I can’t do anything else but wrap my legs around his waist. He holds me tight, scared he might drop me while my fingers find their way into his hair. I pull back from his lips, but keep my forehead pressed to his. Both of us are panting from the intensity. I can tell from that sparkle in his eyes he has no clue what happened, but he wanted it to happen for a while. “I’m gonna stay,” I tell him in a whisper, which only makes the sparkle in his eyes more earnest. Without another doubt, he crashes his lips on mine again. This time, he takes it a little slower, making it more sensational without depriving it from the sizzle from before. I try to forget about the fight I’d just had with Jeremy and focus solely on Owen, but my brain counteracts. His words are on repeat in my mind like syncopated beats. This time Owen pulls back when he no doubtedly tastes the saltiness of my tears mixing in with the passion. He looks at me, the sparkle in his eyes making room for worry. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he whispers, putting me down on my feet again but keeping his arms around me and my body close. “I’m sorry, I just…” I inhale sharply, “I had a major fight with Jeremy and I just can’t shake it. I have never seen him like this…” Owen snakes his arms around my shoulders, pushing him closer into his chest. He lets me cry for a while, holding me in his arms until I’ve calmed down a little. He takes me to the couch where Charlie’s sitting too. I hadn’t even noticed him still in the room, let alone that he moved. “Talk to me, Gorgeous,” Owen whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He’d stopped calling me “Lil’ Shada” a while ago, which makes me feel like I’m more than just Jer’s little sister. Savannah told me it was what he did to anyone he liked. Those little details are his way of showing his appreciation or love to someone. I like the small details in Owen’s love language. “I wanted to ask him and Care if I could stay at their place a little while longer, and I told him about the independent study and internship I wanted to do while here. For some reason, he thought I was doing all of this for you, that you put me up to this.” Owen inhales sharply at this. I can tell he hates being part of a fight between two people that mean a lot to him. “I told him it had nothing to do with you, but he didn’t believe me. He was shouting and screaming that I was still a child and that I couldn’t make my own decisions. I told him he had a hero complex,” I scoff at myself. This whole fight sounds even more ridiculous now. “Told him that he wants to be the good brother and that he has this idea of being a good brother that doesn’t let his little sister live… or love.” Owen’s eyes flick at mine, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I shouldn’t have shouted at him though… This was all just pent-up anger and frustration from the past twenty-one years. I should’ve just told him to back off like an adult instead of yelling at him like a child.” I glance at Charlie, who had been listening to the entire conversation. His eyes look somber, almost heartbroken. These two boys are just too good for this world. I can’t imagine a life without them anymore. “We both acted like children,” I mutter, shaking my head. There’s rap on the door, shaking all three of us awake from the somber cloud we’re all on because of me. We exchange glances, knowing exactly who’s at the door. Charlie goes first, Owen and me following suit. The anxiety welling up inside of me must be visible to him because he takes my hand, intertwining our fingers as we stand a little behind Charlie as he opens the door. “Hey, Char… Is Y/N here?” I hear my brother ask. The Canadian boy opens the door a little further, presenting Owen and I. Jeremy had been crying too, I can tell. His eyes are red and puffy, his lips swollen from biting on them in distress. “I’m so sorry, Lil’ One,” he mutters from the door. That’s enough for me to let go of Owen and launch myself into my brother’s arms. He’s stunned at first, but then wraps his arms around me too. “I know I can be a little overbearing sometimes, but you have to know it’s only because I love you,” he whispers in my ear, followed by a sniffle. “You’re an adult, just like me, and it’s time I treat you like one.” I push him back slightly but keep my hands on his shoulders. “It’s about time you figured that out.” He lets out a chuckle, dropping his head in defeat. “Hey,” he looks back up. “Thanks for looking out for me. I know you mean well.” “We’re family, Lil’ One, we’re supposed to look out for one another,” he looks past me at the two other boys, “We’re all family.” Charlie and Owen walk up to us, the latter scratching the back of his head with a pained expression on his face. “Yeah, can we not call it a family? Because otherwise, I’m in love with a family member.” He places his hands on my shoulders and presses a kiss to my hair. I meet his eyes whilst my heart beats faster. He’s in love with me. A boy I’m in love with is in love with me too. I mean, of course he is, he wouldn’t have kissed me like that. Jeremy glances from me to Owen and back, trying to decide what to think about this entire situation. I can tell it’s hard for him to let this idea of his little sister go, but he’s trying. “Be careful with her, alright? You might be my best friend, but I will not hesitate to kill you,” Jeremy’s pointing at Owen, a harsh look on his face. “Bro, I could never hurt her,” he reassures my older brother, and me at the same time. “You better keep that promise, Joyner!” That night, Jeremy calls Carolynn over too, and the five of us sit on the couch all night, talking and watching movies. I love being in Owen’s arms so much. Though we used to cuddle and be flirty with each other before, it really does give a whole different vibe knowing I could just turn my head and kiss him now. My parents allow me to stay in Vancouver and go through with my plan, much to all of our relief. Days on set are amazing. I help Teresa and the other hairstylists every morning and during all the scenes when they need touch ups, spend every night at Owen’s and Charlie’s place, and have the most fun I ever had in my life with all these people around here. “Cuddle session?” Owen whispers in my ear when we’re rounding up the scene. His sudden hands on my shoulders and lips against my ear makes me jump at first, but I calm down just as quickly. “Baby, I’m working,” I giggle, clearing all the hair products from the table, knowing he’ll convince me within five seconds. Teresa really is a very loose mentor and wouldn’t mind if I escaped now. “But you’re almost finished though? And Teresa is here to take over from you?” he tries, which makes me look up at him, and then at Teresa. The woman I call my Canadian mother winks at me, letting me know I’m good to go. I turn around in Owen’s arms, wrapping my arms around his neck. “You are so lucky Teresa’s this awesome,” I tell him and peck his lips quickly. “Thank you, T.” I grab Owen’s hand and guide him to the bedroom set we’d used so many times for cuddles, whether that be alone or with the others. The second we’re in the room, Owen tugs at my arm, making me stumble into him with a squeal. Before I can ask what he’s doing, he cups my face with his warm hands and brings me in for a passionate kiss. He pushes me backwards when I kiss back, right until I feel the bed push into the back of my knees. I crawl backwards, Owen following suit as he’s still attached to my lips. He pulls back for a moment, looking me in the eyes with those tender eyes of his. He’s holding up his weight by placing a hand next to my head, using the other to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “I love you,” he whispers, causing the corners of my mouth to curl up into a smile automatically. “I love you too,” I whisper back and diminish the space between our lips by pulling him down by the back of his neck. My fingers tangle up into the blonde hair I styled this morning. Doing his hair might just be my favorite part of the day, along with this. “Group cuddle!” Our intimate moment is disturbed by a mop of our friends attacking us on the bed. With a groan, Owen drops next to me, the others piling onto us. That lunch break, all of us take a collective nap on Julie’s bed, some on stomachs, on chests, shoulders, thighs. All our limbs are tangled up together, no bystander would be able to tell which limb belongs to who. To say my new job is the best ever would be an understatement.

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helena-thessa · 3 years ago

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Hi Helena! Big fan of your writing here🥺♥️ Your rivamika fics are my safe space 😭 (if you have time to answer) i’d love to know when you first started shipping them, why, and what made you continue to love this ship (or anything else to do with your journey as an RM shipper)? i love your characterisation of both levi and mikasa individually, but even more so, your portrayal of their dynamic as a couple, which is why i wanted to ask so badly ☺️ x

Hey anon! Oh woah, first of all, thank you so much. Second of all, oh god, you probably shouldn't have handed me the mic. heh 😅

I’m afraid to look at the word count of this response, I’m sure it’s much more than you bargained for, but I appreciate the question and enjoyed thinking through my response (: Most importantly, I’m so glad you find my stories as a safe space. It’s really an honor. Thank you for sharing with me 🖤🖤

TL; DR As a longtime reader, writer and lover of stories and story-telling, by being someone who pays attention to how stories are crafted and deliberately developed from beginning to end, I sincerely thought Isayama was setting up rivamika as an endgame relationship. So, I read into and interpreted meaning out of ALL their interactions and became deeply invested.

I don’t necessarily ship them cause of the parallels, age gap, enemies to lover trope, height difference, or some of those common reasons and/or kinks. I’m more basic and boring than that. I love the concept of them coming together as though it’s inevitable.

They both are unbelievably strong, selfless, and have suffered so much loss— so, no one else could truly understand them as well as they can understand each other. They both probably would have always settled for a stable, simple life, and been alone and lonely even without realizing it— instead, they find each other, and realize what it means to actually no longer be alone, to do more than just survive. It’s this understated bond, as opposed to a dramatic and passionate romance, that I envision in them and that I love so much.

Then, the passion, heat, the romantic "spark"— I think that’s an added bonus, the cherry on top, the perfect final puzzle piece. They’re both so physically capable, can speak through their actions, and don’t show much need or capacity for emotional/ verbal communication, so the ability to connect with each other through physical intimacy and mind-blowing sex seems like another given.

Still, at the end of the day, for me it comes back to their ability to fully depend on each other, to the inevitability. Not like some soulmate trope where they 'have no choice' in it, but like the stars aligned to prove it's right. How each of them have only one other person on the whole planet who could see and understand them, to be on par with them, to make them realize there’s more to life than settling and surviving, and they happen to find it in each other.

You asked, I rambled 😅 Here’s a breakdown of my thought process in my rivamika journey. For those who make it to the end or want to skip to the end, I'll finish with the excerpt of the very first rivamika scene I felt compelled to to write.

I've tried before to re-watch and remember the exact scenes, exact moments, that initially captured my full attention, but I guess it was all of them, the gradual and cumulative compilation of their earliest interactions.

Mikasa always appearing cool and indifferent, and paying no attention whatsoever to others fawning over, like Jean initially falling for her, but then her strongly reacting over Levi in the courtroom showed how uniquely capable he was at getting under her skin.

Of course, the scene in the forest chasing the Female Titan was a critical one. I think of that as the first time both Levi and Mikasa were truly able to see the other's strength, mental and physical. And for them, orphans and trauma survivors who have suffered extensive loss, I think that seeing strength in another person made them feel less alone. Less alone in a deep, quiet but cataclysm, life-altering sort of way, even if not a romantic one. Like they didn't know it was something they didn't have, something they didn't expect to get from life, but then found it with each other.

(Even when we found out Levi was an Ackerman, I was disappointed if it meant they were immediate relatives, but willing to accept it wouldn't be a romantic end to loneliness, it would be a familial end to loneliness. But... the author never explored that. Not once.)

In that forest scene, manga and anime, the way that Levi pauses to really look and see Mikasa and think about who she is, what she’s gone through, and how strong and dedicated she is now— that was a defining moment. It was also a visual demonstration of Levi breaking character, from aloof and ruthless, to considering and curious. I thought Yams was showing both of them do that on purpose.

Then, Levi getting hurt because of Mikasa in that scene felt like another clue. Sure, it was while saving Eren, and sure, it could have been meant to humanize super-soldier Levi, or sure, it could have been another aspect of how Mikasa rushing into things over Eren ends up hurting other people that later changes in her character development, but it felt like a very pointed statement about Mikasa being a vulnerability for Levi. And that's swoon-worthy, right? Most of us have been exposed to and conditioned by stories about how special and romantic it is to be the one and only girl who can make an otherwise disinterested or unattainable guy actually pay attention to her, and so admittedly I fall right for it.

I’m sure I’m forgetting plenty, but the opening of season 3 felt like confirmation. When Levi figures out Kenny's behind things and entrusts Mikasa with instructions to share with the others, instructions about fighting people instead of titans that ultimately everyone else besides her struggles with, and when Mikasa lets Levi hold her back from chasing after Eren, her most important way of trusting and having faith in Levi, I honestly took that as cues from the author that rivamika was endgame. I let myself get truly invested from then on. That’s that understated bond I was referring to. To me, that unspoken but undeniable trust is the most important dynamic.

Seeing them fight together or fight similarly has always been fun and powerful and fulfilling.

I'm newer to the snk club. I was originally an anime-only fan and started watching in fall 2019, I think. I wasn't on tumblr, twitter, or anything else to see fandom discourse. So, I didn't know that the rooftop scene of Mikasa fighting Levi over the serum was such a staple for our ship until much later. I love the scene just like many do for all the reasons we do, but I don't think the actual scene was pivotal for me, so much as it's aftermath. I thought it represented two things.

One, it was an important marker in Levi's characterization. Hands-down one of the most striking scenes to me is the one where Levi is in the alley, somber and alone, listening in on Eren, Armin, and Mikasa talking together. It artfully shows his longing for hope and connection. So, when Levi chose Armin for the serum, that represented Levi choosing hope. And when Mikasa ultimately gave up fighting Levi and didn't choose Armin, which Armin finds out about later on, I see that as an important marker in Mikasa's development. It puts a wedge between her and Armin/Eren [Armin, because he knows she would have let him die, and Eren, because Armin is too special to him and he couldn't look at her the same way after realizing she would have let him die]. That distance between her and her childhood friends is one I don't think could ever be healed completely, one of those painful lessons in growing up. By doing that, it then also puts a distance in Mikasa's own childhood self to her current self. I thought that matured her and separated her out in a way that was another clue toward eventual rivamika developments.

That's a whole other conversation on Mikasa, but I’ll stay on track. Her love for Armin was absolutely authentic and fierce, but at the end of the day, at the core of her being, she chose survival over hope. Meanwhile, Levi chose hope over survival. To me, that was soft, fertile ground for the reasons why eventually, if/when Mikasa found hope and chose hope, that could directly tie together with her inevitably in coming together with Levi. Again, less butterflies and fireworks, but more natural and in a way that was just a given.

I wrote Beyond the Walls before reading the manga from the Marley Arc and on, so that's why most of that story is her journey into embracing that hope. *manga spoilers* There's a lot of meta, criticism and talk about Mikasa's silent, off-screen and subtle style of character development in the Marley Arc and afterward. I won't go down that road, I'm still processing the end of the manga to be honest, but I think it's fair to say she does eventually end up choosing hope over survival when she lets go of Eren and saves humanity instead. I love the “Stay with Me” line and think it’s perfect; a simple but profound display of trust and their deep-rooted bond in a really understated way. *end manga spoilers*

Here's something I always wanted to talk about in full but haven't. It honestly reads to me like Yams was building toward rivamika, and didn’t do anything to stop that until too late. There are tools authors can use to ensure we stop shipping a pair or start shipping a new one; love triangles are commonly used in every artistic medium and we’ve all been persuaded by these tools. But Yams didn’t use these tools to make sure readers didn’t feel convinced by rivamika. For all the reasons I listed above, more I'm forgetting, and for the following:

If he wanted us to think they were family and it would be incest, he should have added in a conversation between them realizing they were (close) family and that they weren't the only ones left in their biological family like they thought. But he didn't.

If he wanted us to think it was completely inappropriate between a child-and-adult and student-and-teacher, then he could have done something to ensure Mikasa looked childish or Levi looked older, but no. They barely look ten years apart. I do think it's unacceptable and that there's a power imbalance between a child-and-adult relationship regardless of that, and that there can't be true consent when one is a superior and another a subordinate, so I personally age-up Mikasa in my head and try to handle his position of power responsibly in my writings... but the point being, by the end of canon, there's no inappropriate or non-consensual romance between them, yet there's a lot of history and chemistry that could naturally lead to an age-appropriate and consensual relationship. If Yams didn't want us to think so, he could have made it more clear that there were reasons it wouldn't happen.

The only thing that makes sense to me is the author planned on rivamika endgame but was shamed/pressured out of it (either internally or due to others) OR that the author somehow accidentally created such vibrant chemistry and an incredible dynamic between them. Like, he didn't put enough convincing substance of eremika in, didn't make Levi look old enough, didn’t have one of them do something unforgivable in the other’s eyes, etc. Those are some of those tools he could have used. Romance was never a key component in snk. And since we now know Yams planned or needed eremika endgame for sake of plot and the conclusion of the manga, I personally think he didn't know what to do with the riveting rivamika substance and chemistry being much more convincing to readers. Once he had them so well built-up, maybe the only option he felt he had was to just stop putting the characters together. We get little-to-no rivamika interaction, platonic or practical, after season 3 all the way up until the very end. But there was so much of it beforehand ?? So, it simply doesn't make sense. I think the author just straight-up cut any and all interactions out between them because it was too convincing and moving, more convincing and substantial than eremika. But, as the end of canon shows, we needed to have some eremika buy-in. It's messy writing and unskilled in the romance department, but considering for how long and how complicated snk has been in a creative process and how lackluster the eremika romance (the main and apparently pivotal romance) is developed, I think it’s plausible to say the author effed up.

As far as writing fanfiction goes, there's just so much room to explore them. In canon, we aren't given enough insight into their individual perspectives, let alone their dynamic together, so it feels like a blank canvas to work from. I think that's part of why I love to write them, and also why I don't necessarily read much of them. When I first started shipping them while watching the anime, I read a few of the classics that were canon-verse, but I haven’t really read much since. For me, exploring and discovering them as a writer is the most fun. (It's one of the reasons Naruto and Harry Potter have such large fanfiction collections. There's so much world-building and so many characters, but there's also so much left to the imagination.)

In general, I'm drawn to strong characters, especially women, who are multidimensional enough to be real, vulnerable and soft. Mikasa is the pinnacle of that. I don’t necessarily like to write about her love or infatuation with Eren, but I do respect and admire and consider it integral to her character and her amazing capacity to love. We can have strong, kickass women who falter when it comes to love but are still considered strong for it. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive and Mikasa is a beautiful example of that.

And Levi is strong, but real and vulnerable too; he’s honestly a fantastically developed character, from Petra explaining to Eren in the beginning how he’s not the amazing hero he’s painted to be to the public, to how Levi genuinely cares for Erwin and others and chooses hope despite all he’s suffered.

The end of the manga wrecked me a bit. Kind of like Games of Thrones. You have something that was so epic and well-done for so long, a rushed ending that isn't immediately sensical and isn't fulfilling is hard to stomach. Eventually, I'll move on from the denial of that and process what I think and feel about it. The whole reason we have fanfiction is to expand on canon, but it's made me put rivamika on the back burner until I figure it out. So I'm a little less hyper-fixated on the pairing right now even though interacting with you all and asks like this remind me what brought me here in the first place. 😊

To conclude, I’ll share that the very first rivamika content I wrote was a compilation of moments I thought could be inserted into season 3. These are still moments I plan to edit and publish one day. For anyone that actually read this far, I’ll put a rough and unedited excerpt of the first scene I ever wrote about them.

Thank you again anon 🖤😊

BEGIN EXCERPT [after the rooftop fight for the serum, immediately following the ceremony where Eren touched Historia by kissing her hand]:

Part of her was embarrassed at such a flagrant act of disobedience to a superior, especially to one who saved her and countless others' lives in the past. But mostly, she was anguished by the situation Captain Levi put her in once he revoked the serum meant to save Armin and planned to use it on Commander Erwin instead. Her current ostracization and self-loathing was not entirely her own fault. Anger she felt toward herself was just as easy to wield against him.

It must have shown in the grit of her teeth or defiant tone, because he turned to look at her, more aloof than curious.

Like a flint struck to steel, it ignited the fury she felt toward him.

“I shouldn’t have hesitated. I should have just killed you,” she answered him at last, piercing him with eyes darker than the night.

He wasn’t concerned. “You’re good, but not that good.”

Her hands fell to her side, fists clenched as she stood with a single, fluid movement. Before she could let loose a threat, he sighed.

“What’s the problem, Ackerman?” He was dismissive, his shoulders relaxed and posture loose.

The fire too furious to contain, she went sailing for him with the same speed from the battlefield. Her fingers already curled, she tightened her grasp as she swung her fist into his gods-damned apathetic face.

Levi wasn’t unprepared. He easily side-stepped her, then snatched her wrist to steal her momentum. Though he tried to toss her aside, she was no less fast; Mikasa dug her heel in and spun, her other arm shoving hard into his chest.

Too graceful to stumble, Levi used the chance to hook her second arm too. He caged both her wrists in a grip so strong, she was sure it bruised her bones. Still, he only looked at her warily, almost bored.

“Shouldn’t you be grateful? I chose Armin.” If his reminder was meant to ease her anger, it had the opposite effect.

Fury and desperation gifted her additional strength. She shoved into his chest hard. Levi shifted backward, nearly forced into loosening his grip; within that split second of an opening, Mikasa slammed her elbow into his chin, rocking his head backward.

“You did,” she seethed, but as fast as the fire inside her exploded, it was doused. Her next words came out broken and damp. “But I didn’t.”

Levi remained stern and otherwise unmoving as he attempted to flex his jaw through the spasm of pain. As the momentum of the fight died down, he loosened his hold on her wrists and evaluated her distraught frame.

Mikasa immediately released her own hands and turned away from him, eyes stinging from tears she refused to shed as she focused on the stars ahead. Admitting the harsh words aloud hurt her far more than any injury she could inflict onto him.

Not only was Armin one of the only friends she had, but he’d been a steadfast one throughout almost all she could remember of her life. After the trauma of her childhood, it was Eren and Armin who embraced her, whom she learned to love. Now, though, there was a wedge between her and Armin she was not sure could ever be removed. What was worse, as deplorable and selfish as she knew it proved her to be, was the painful wedge it now put between her and Eren too.

Once again, she found Levi standing at the peripheral of her sight, close enough to see but far enough to be a blur at the edge of her watery vision.

“You almost killed me.” Levi repeated his earlier words, but he said them with an odd bite, torn between frustration and patience. “You would have killed me to save him.”

Too late, Mikasa realized he hadn’t meant these words as an accusation, but an odd form of validation. She bit her bottom lip, teeth puncturing too hard; the tang of metal was sharp on her tongue when she swallowed blood.

“You thought about letting your closest friend die,” Levi said quietly, tiredly. “But I did let mine die. I left him for dead, when I could have saved him.”

Mikasa was startled from her selfish reverie, for the first time acknowledging the sacrifice he made on that fateful afternoon. She’d been too absorbed in her own relief, and then, her own regrets to consider what the decision had done to him.

For a brief moment, she considered turning to face him, but the stark reality of the matter made her refrain. How could she feel pity for his loss, when his loss enabled her gain? An uncomfortable knot tightened in her stomach.

“Tch,” Levi sighed. He was only one notch less taciturn, but for him, that was soft. “You’ll live with your guilt, and I’ll live with mine.”

His words granted Mikasa’s tears the permission to spill. She buried her face further into her scarf, both hands trembling at the worn threads. As quietly as he arrived onto the roof, Levi disappeared from it.

It was rare for him to indulge in alcohol or celebrations, but Erwin’s absence felt more tangible than his presence ever did. Levi distracted himself with the chaos of the few remaining Scouts that Erwin had died entrusting his legacy to, and attempted to drown the pain with whatever drink Connie Springer shoved into his hands.

He found Hanji with their ale long-forgotten about on the table as they half-stood from their seat, frantic while explaining some morbid experiment in great, vivid detail to an unsuspecting and slightly horrified MP officer.

Though Levi wordlessly took the seat beside them, Hanji paused their rant to slap him hard on the back, an enthusiastic greeting flying from their drunken lips. The MP took this chance to excuse himself, a pathetic attempt at politeness, but Hanji either didn’t care or didn’t notice.

“Ah, Levi,” they smiled at his drink, though it didn’t entirely reach their one eye. “Where you been?”

Levi didn’t answer. “You know, shitty-glasses, you’re even more unbearable about your experiments when you’re drunk.”

Hanji waved dismissively and reached for their ale. Years spent in battle and command together had gifted both of them with an eased familiarity, and sometimes, genuine friendship. In the same manner he ignored their question, Hanji ignored his lack of response and went on with their original inquiry.

“Careful, Captain,” Hanji warned lightly. “Now that there’s far fewer Scouts, you having a favorite might cause some division.”

Even though Hanji meant the words, there was a glint of mischief that twinkled in their remaining eye.

“It’s not favoritism,” Levi countered bluntly, turning his vision toward the young man on the far side of the room. “Eren is simply the best chance that we have in this war.”

Hanji laughed as if he’d made a joke and Levi looked back to stare at them, unable to be surprised at their quirks or oddities any longer, but still a touch curious about what spurned this current demonstration.

“I wasn’t talking about Eren,” Hanji said at last, a pointed nod toward his injured chin.

Levi blinked. He didn’t realize he was nursing his injury with the hand not on his drink. As though it were too hot to touch, Levi dropped his hand.

Hanji was not judgmental, nor inquisitive. In a war-torn life of losing too many cadets entrusted to him, the fact that Levi found a soldier with the strength and skill to remain safe was not only rare, but worth special attention. Still, it made him too lenient.

“Sometimes I think you’d let her get away with murder,” Hanji chided halfheartedly.

When he thought of Erwin dead in his grasp, sometimes he wasn’t sure if he already had.

#my asks #my thoughts #rivamika #rivamika fanfic #lena writes

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acreativeme · 3 years ago

Text

Anti-undercover

TW: Mentions of death, getting shot, and blood.

Anti-Undercover

Ivan Ortiz x Reader

Y/N stood in the doorway of the Director’s office, listening as he and her unit chief, Jess LaCriox, talked about her new mission. She has to fake her death and go undercover in an underground anti-government group. With her familial history, they think that she is the best option for this mission.

“You will not be able to tell anyone about this mission.” The director stated, leaning forward against his desk.

Y/N shared a look with Jess, knowing that it is going to pain her to not tell Ivan. “I understand, sir.”

The director handed her a thick file, dismissing them as she grabbed ahold of it. “You have a week to prepare.” He said, just as she was shutting the door.

She nodded sharply, closing the door tightly behind her. She couldn’t stop from thinking about the what-ifs and how Ivan is going to handle her death. When he joined the team, something clicked within both of them and they became incredibly close. The spark blossomed into something more shortly after they became friends.

The next day, they got a case. A man was targeting women, who he deemed were trying to ‘end to male species’-- which kind of pissed her off. She talked with Jess about how this case could be her way to fake her death, because of this man’s disdain for women. He was quick to agree, but brought up that they have to be careful.

When they had narrowed down some locations, Jess and Y/N were lucky enough to have actually found him. He was holding a female CEO of a Management Company hostage in her Town Home.

With their guns raised, they silently move towards his ranting and raving about how she should only be managing men with her body. Y/N frowned at his statement, kind of wanting to shoot him in the nuts. Jess nudged her, signalling her to take charge.

Y/N stepped into the kitchen, because of course he wants to put the woman in her place. “Graham Holmes… FBI… Put your gun down and step away from Ms.Holloway..” Her voice was firm and authoritative.

His face grew red at her tone. “You have the audacity to use that tone with me!” He screamed.

Y/N smirked, “Considering that I am more important than you, I think that I have every right to use any tone I want with you. I mean seriously, my cat Ginger has more brains than you.”

He growled, like literally growled, at her, moving his gun so that it was focused on Y/N. “You think you are sooo special, but I bet any of your male counterparts are ten times the agent you will ever be.”

Y/N shrugged, brushing off his comment. “They can’t be ten times better than me, because I trained them. I am better than any man on my team. I am far superior than any of them.” She said it slowly to make sure it rubbed him wrong.

He screamed, pulling the trigger of his gun. The bullet hit her stomach, causing her to fall backwards just after getting a shot off herself. She hit him dead center.

Jess moved in quickly, calling for two squads and that an officer was down. He cut Ms. Holloway free. “Where are your kitchen towels?” He asked, looking around the busted up kitchen.

She pointed to the drawer next to the sink. “In the top drawer.”

Jess nodded, grabbing three towels. “Thank you.” He fell to his knees, pressing the first towel to the wound. “You did great, Y/N. But please don’t actually die.” He whispered the last sentence.

She winced, smiling up at him. “You taught me well, Jess.” She coughed up blood. “I think the bullet hit my lung.” She gasped, trying to take in air.

Panic filled Jess’ eyes, “Don’t talk. Breath in through your nose.”

Her eyes started to droop. “Tell Ivan that I love him and I am sorry.” A tear rolled down her cheek, mixing with the blood that she had coughed up.

The team stood around a blown up picture of Y/N, sharing memories of her. Jess had to stand back and watch as the team mourned someone who wasn’t even dead. He watched as Ivan drank and glared at the photo of the one person he loved. His heart ached, because he knew what Ivan was feeling and he wanted to make it go away.

Jess walked up to Ivan, who had just taken a long swig of his beer. “It will be okay.” He squeezed his shoulder.

“I was going to propose.” Ivan replied, voice raspy from holding back tears.

Y/N was coming back. She had gotten enough evidence to shut down the anti-government group within 6 months. She couldn’t help but be proud of herself, because any other agent would have taken over a year to collect the amount of evidence that she got. The leader had warmed up to Y/N quickly, especially after finding out that her father had led one of the largest anti-government compounds /groups in American history. She had told him that her father had her infiltrate the FBI as a spy, but was killed before anything could come of the information that she had stolen.

It was partly true. Her father was the reason behind her joining the FBI, but not for that reason. She had hated what her father screamed about and she wanted to put him away. She was also not going to share that she had been the one that killed her own father--- which only happened because he was using her 4 year old sister as a shield.

Y/N took a deep breath, straightening her mask-- cause COVID.. She pushed open the door, walking in slowly. “Anyone here?” She asked, looking around.

The team, who had been about to go over a new case froze, had been scattered around a large room. “Y/N?�� Hana asks, slowly standing from her place at the table.

Y/N waved awkwardly. “Hey, guys.”

Hana almost tackled her into a hug, sobbing in relief. “You are alive!”

The rest of the team, minus Ivan and Jess, took turns hugging her. Just as Kenny was pulling away, Y/N saw Ivan storm out of the room. She shared a look with Jess, who nodded at her to follow him.

Y/N found him outside, glaring at a tree. “What did that tree ever do to you, Ivan?” She asked softly, walking slowly towards him.

Ivan tensed up, eyes squeezing shut in anger. “It pretended to be dead for 6 months and thought it could walk back into my life without warning.”

She sighed, heart breaking at the pain in his voice. “You were supposed to know that I wasn’t actually dead. I made a list and gave it to LaCroix.”

He groaned, finally looking at her. “LaCroix knew that you were still alive?”

Y/N nodded. “He was the one that recommended me for the mission.”

“What was the mission?” He asked, fully turning towards her.

“Shutting down an anti-government cell that was inspired by my father.” Y/N responded, not holding back. “He and the director thought that I was the best option given my history. I didn’t want anyone else to suffer like my sister, like me. I had to do my part in shutting down something that my father had inspired, Ivan.”

Ivan slumped against the tree, anger draining from his body at the sight of her big eyes. He understood where she was coming from, as he had to do things for this job that he normally wouldn’t. “I am still mad.”

She chuckled, eyes swelling up with tears. “I figured. I am so sorry, Ivan.” She took a cautious step towards him.

He nodded, signalling her to walk closer. “I forgive you.” He pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly to his chest in fear of her slipping away.

“I love you, Ivan.” She whispered into his chest, tears falling freely.

He kissed the top of her head, tears falling too. “I love you more.”

#requests #ivan ortiz #ivan ortiz imagines #imagines #one shots #FBI Most Wanted #fbi most wanted imagine #faking death #undercover #trigger warning #sweetswriting

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falloutjay · 3 years ago

Note

Eric x careless/troublemaker reader, reader was always a crazy kid, she felt no one really understood her, and her only real friend was Esther Stoley, Annie Knitts and Nicole. But Reader has always admired Eric and never gotten why everyone hated him (she finds both Kyle and Wendy very annoying). One day, she finds him and Butters making their next scheme, and she wants in. After an effective day of pranking, they (well Eric but reader likes Butters's company) take her under their wing. They generally start hanging out and starts to be the 'girl' of the main group (she thinks of Stan, Butters and Kenny has her brothers) and she finds Eric and Kyle's banter hilarious. It gets better (for her at least): she always defends him now (be it irrationally, rationally, verbally or physically) like: Heidi tried to warn Reader about Eric...but the poor girl leaves with a broken nose or Wendy was just upset how someone so awful, could have someone advocate for them and starts to plan to tell her about the breast cancer incident when Bebe would tell that it's Y/n and if anything, what she did to him would just make her stay more, making Wendy stop. She was also a big fan of the Coon and would just gush about how cool he was (she does like Wonder Tweek, Mosquito and Toolshed but she loves Coon the best). Everyone was pretty divsive, some people thought it was funny and teased him on it (like: Craig, Stan and Kenny), some people shipped it (like: Clyde, Butters and weirdly Nicole/Tweek), but some people were afraid of those two becoming a couple (Kyle, Heidi and Wendy). Eric is strangely 'no comment'y about all this until one day, Eric is just about to be turned into the principal when suddenly Reader in a elorate plan, knocks out the witness and pins the blame on someone else. After that's over, Reader can't take it anymore and happily asks him to be her partner/boyfriend and Eric proudly accepts and the two go on to create to create anarchy. May others pray for their safety.

Hey guys! It's me! I'm back! :D

I'm still stressed AF, but after my day was really nice, I felt super motivated to finally continue this lovely prompt, so I did.

I'm currently still in the process of moving and my exams are still not over, but I'm trying!

So I hope I can publish the next request soon and I love all you guys, thank you for all the likes, reblogs, follows and most importantly your patience! <3

____________________________________

Eric Cartman x careless!troublemaker!female!Reader

“Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme Eric?” Butters asked, eyebrow raised as he listened to Erics new pranking plan. “No, it’s not at all, “eXtRemE”.” Eric retorted and shook his head.

They didn’t notice that someone approached them, listening to their plan. “W-well if you say so, I trust you, Eric.” As the fatter one of the two heard a twig snap, his head turned immediately and look at a kid from their class. What was her name again? “Who are you?” Eric asked unimpressed. “Y/N.” She answered dryly.

Butters kept looking between the two, moving his head, whenever someone said something. “What do you want?” “I want in on your plan.” “What makes you think I want someone like you in this? You normally play with the girls.”

“What does that have to do with anything. Just because I hang out with Esther, Annie and Nicole…That changes nothing about the fact that I love what you’re planning here, and I want in.” Eric seemed to think about the proposition for a second.

“Okay. I think I need one more person around here. Butters can barely do one fucking job.” So, he explained the plan to you in big detail. And in your humble opinion, it was brilliant. Once Eric had finished explaining, he looked at you with a sly smile.

“So, what do you think?” You pretended to think for a second, before an evil grin appeared on your face. “Why stop there? We can also pull a prank on the teachers and the school buses if we put in a little more effort.” “Never thought about that one before. I like your way of thinking, Y/N.”

The two looked into each other’s eyes, clearly seeing that mischievous spark in each pair of eyes. Butters watched you in horror, afraid of what he had just now witnessed. “Ohhh hamburgers.”

Y/N became a regular in Stans gang rather fast. Kenny and Stan love her to bits, just like she does. They love hanging out with her and to Kenny she’s like Karen. One thing that Y/N really enjoys is listening to Kyle and Eric's bickering. No matter the topic and no matter how loud or extreme the two get, she just sits there like it’s a cinema and the two are the newest marvel movie. Speaking of superhero movies, South Parks very own heroes are a topic ever so often too. And to Cartman’s delight, his trusted friend loves talking about The Coon. His super-secret hero identity. She would also gush about Wonder Storm, Mosquito and Toolshed but she would always praise The Coon, which is a melody in Cartman’s ears. Another thing Cartman loves about his only female friend is how she loves defending him to anyone. Be it teachers, her fellow girl friends, or anyone else. When Heidi tried to warn her that Eric means bad news, she had to visit the nurse afterwards. Y/N had detention for breaking the poor girl’s nose, but she sure as hell didn’t regret her decision. Even when she was shunned by the girls from there on.

“I just can’t believe her. Maybe she will change her mind when I tell her about the whole Breast cancer thing? You know… It could affect her too, maybe that’s wha-Wendy…” Bebe interrupted her and sighted. “You remember how Heidi was? How every time we said something mean about Cartman, she would only try harder to prove us wrong?” “Of course, I remember. How could I forget.” Wendy mumbled and stabbed her fork through her salad. “If you try to reason with her, she will just hit you with the whole “He isn’t like that”-schtick. You can’t change her mind, okay?” Bebe eyed their classmate who was happily chatting with Eric and Kenny a few tables away. “I guess.” Wendy said defeated and closed her eyes, asking herself how Eric could even make a girl interested in him.

On another table across the cafeteria, Craig and those guys were seated. Oddly enough, their topic was similar. Y/N L/N and Eric Cartman. “I don’t know why but they’d make quite a cute couple you know?” Clyde said with a smile before biting into his burger. “I know, right?” Nicole agreed and to everyone’s surprise, even Tweek nodded along. “I don’t think they’d become a thing though.” Craig mumbled lazily. “Why?” Clyde asked, obviously interested in the gossip.

“Well, Kenny, Stan and I teased him about it in History class, but he keeps saying he doesn’t like her that way.” “Aww, come on Craig, you know very well that he would never admit it just like that. Guys don’t just admit they have a crush. I’m sure he likes her. I mean, she the only one who can stand him for longer than a day.” Nicole commented, a sly smile spread across her face. “I just think the anti-Cartman fraction would rather die than see those two become a thing.” Token commented and his eyes darted across the room, looking at Kyle, Heidi and Wendy. “Well, I guess we will have some funerals to visit sometime soon.” Nicole replied and everyone at their table had to involuntarily smile.

“That’s it. ERIC. To the Principal. Now.” Mister Garrisons voice thundered through the hallways and a confused Y/N closed her locker. She let out a deep sigh, knowing something must have gone wrong with his new plan.

“Guess I gotta bust him out again.”

Knowing the way to the principal by heart she made her way there, only catching a glimpse of the in pink paint and glitter covered Mister Garrison, who kept cursing like crazy.

Y/N happily skipped past the not-occupied secretary desk and took a seat next to Eric. “I already wondered where you are.” Cartman commented unimpressed. “Sorry, I had to look at Garrison for a second. So what went wrong?” “This stupid asshole over there saw me set up the paint bomb in Garrisons locker thing.” The brown-haired whispered and pointed at the kid that was sitting across from them. “Thanks to that asshat, I will probably be suspended for some days or some shit.”

“Okay, I’ll handle it.” The h/c-haired said and got up to go over. She hovered over the boy who was looking up to her. “What?” He asked annoyed. “You’re Jonas Miller, right?” Y/N asked with the sweetest voice she could manage. “Yeah, what makes you care?” He asked, before a fist connected with his face. Surprised by her own strength, he seemed to be dazed and fell onto the other chairs.

“Y/N, what the fuck?” Cartman cried out confused. “Fast, hit me!” She said, not fazed at all. “What? Why?” “God, just do it!” Trusting his mischievous partner Erics fist landed on Y/N pretty face and he even felt a hint of remorse. “Good punch Eric. Now the other side.” Once again, trusting his opposite, he did what was asked. Despite now feeling rather woozy, Y/N grabbed Jonas and laid him down in a different position. She then made Eric kneel next to her and hold her.

“If you ever tell anyone I cried, I will tell everyone about your dirty little secrets, yeah?” Eric nodded, somewhat intimidated, and impressed, watched her do her best to cry heavily.

Hearing the blood-curdling scream, Mister Mackey and the secretary came running, looking at the scene before them. Mister Mackey immediately made sure that everyone was okay, before asking the roughed-up Y/N what happened. With a trembling voice, she answered: “J-Jonas over there did the prank on Mister Garrison and-and tried to pin it on-on Eric. So, I c-came here t-t-to tell everyone t-that Eric was with me t-the whole time. When Jonas n-noticed that, he hit m-m-me and Eric punched him, to-to help me.” The now fully awake again Jonas looked at the girl in horror. “N-No! That’s not the story! I- I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, M'KAY?!” Mister Mackey interrupted him. “Hitting an innocent girl?! Jonas Miller, you will have to face the consequences!” Y/N still held up her best puppy eyes and Mister Mackey finally turned to the two troublemakers. “Eric, will you bring Y/n to the nurse, please. I will bring Jonas to PC Principal personally, m'kay.” Eric nodded, somewhat petrified, and guided Y/N along the corridors. He felt shocked. He didn’t know why. He never felt this scared before.

Once in the nurse’s office and after Y/N was handed an icepack, she was the first one to speak, once the nurse left them alone.

“You’re so quiet.” She commented dryly. “Thank you.” “For what?” “Getting me out of there. I never- It’s fine, okay? Don’t worry.” Silence fell over the two once more. Y/N just enjoyed the cooling ice on her burning skin and Eric still felt thankful for what she did for him. For him. And no one else. She would have never done this for Kyle. Not for Kenny. She did it for him.

“Hey Eric?” The boy next to her nodded. “You know I wouldn’t have done this for anyone else right?” Eric nodded once more. “Can I ask you for something?” “Of course.”

“You know, I like you a lot. So, would you maybe like to be my boyfriend?”

Bonus:

Eric gave no answer. He just slowly intertwined his fingers with hers and that was answer enough. “Are your cheeks red from blushing or is it from me hitting you?” “Maybe a bit of both.” She laughed and to Eric, it was the most beautiful sound he ever listened to. His girlfriend’s laugh.

Kyle was doing his math homework and started to get annoyed with the harder and harder becoming questions. A vibration ripped him out of his thoughts. He fished for his iPhone without taking his eyes off the paper and unlocked it. The contact read “FATASS” and it was a picture. Kyle's eyes widened in horror as his eyes scanned the picture. It was a picture of a list with dozens of prank ideas. The caption was what truly terrified him. “Me and my GIRLFRIEND brainstormed a bit, hope you’re ready Kahl <3”

Kyle felt like crying. Not only because of his math homework but also because his worst nightmare became a reality. Cartman has a Girlfriend. And it was no other than the infamous Y/N L/N.

#south park x reader #south park fanfiction #eric cartman x reader

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anya-grace · 4 years ago

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Two beautiful people sent me an ask about my rivetra actors au, and boyyyy let me tell you, it was so fun making them again 😍 thank you to the pretty souls who asked this! 💘

The first actors au were from season 1 and 2, this one will focus on the filming of season 3 until the last season :) here you go!

more rivetra actors!au headcanon (some are nsfw-ish)

- Let me get straight to the point: lots of sex. Car sex. On-set sex. Dressing room sex. Name it.

- Both of them are aware that it was unprofessional, but there was a time when they did not see each other for more than a month because of their (especially Levi’s) busy and conflicting schedule, so when Petra surprised him on set, the frustration and longing just piled up and they had sex.

- Then it became a habit.

- And this habit, of course, didn’t go unnoticed by the other casts and even crews of the show. Armin heard them once, and the poor boy made a mental note to never ever come close to Levi’s room again.

- The older casts are fine with it since, you know, normal adult stuff. But for the love of the three Walls, can you lovebirds tone the moaning down? People are trying to get some sleep wtf.

- Levi’s make-up artist had to deal with the pain of covering his hickeys (courtesy of Ms. Petra Ral) every shoot. The ones on his neck, especially those near his adam’s apple were the most visible. And since Captain Levi rarely wore a cravat in season three, part one, it made the work harder for the make-up artist.

- As compensation, Petra always bought a special souvenir for Levi’s make-up artist whenever she flies overseas for her theater shows.

- For the premiere of season 3, Levi took Petra as his date on the red carpet. It was the first event they attended publicly as a couple.

- It was a big milestone for their relationship because they are both public figures. And we all know what happens when celebrities publicize their relationships, it is prone to issues and controversies.

- And you can very well guess that Levi Ackerman showing off his beautiful girlfriend to the press was big news. As big as the AoT premiere even.

- During the air of season three, Levi became more famous and he attracted many overseas fans as well as international actresses because of his brilliant scenes with Kenny.

- Although Petra is not the jealous type, she admitted that somehow it affected her when other international actresses expressed their admiration towards Levi. Some even said that Levi is their type and they are looking forward to working with him in the future.

- When Levi sensed this, he immediately headed to his IG and posted a picture of Petra with a very cheesy caption lmao. Forgive him, he's new to this kind of relationship.

- Did I mention he also posted a picture of them kissing in front of the Eiffel tower?

- Only a few know this, but the real Levi is one clingy boyfriend.

- He is very touchy when it comes to Petra. He just really loves holding her. Sometimes he just randomly hugs her, caresses her, nuzzles her. He just loves having skin-to-skin contact with her.

- His love language is actions and gestures.

- His favorite gesture to do to Petra is a back hug with his arms under her boobs. It was a soft gesture and it wasn't sexual in any way...until it did.

- More than half of their sex started with Levi touching Petra’s underboobs tbh.

- Sometimes Levi thinks that he's neglecting Petra and more than once he considered quitting the show business for her. But then he’ll see her smiling at him, and she tells him that she's very proud of what he’s doing and that she's happy that she gets to support him with doing the things he is really passionate about and just… all he could think of that time is that he wants to marry this amazing woman.

- He is also supportive of Petra’s theater actress career, of course. And he hates the fact that he needs to hide whenever he watches one of her shows since people eventually gather around him asking for an autograph and he feels that it’s rude for Petra. This is her moment and he doesn’t want to ruin it for her.

- Hence, his all-black and mysterious get-up whenever he watches her show.

- AoT season three was a huge success and plans for season four are already on the move. Casts were given a long break before the shooting began again and both Petra and Levi took this as a chance to bond together.

-Petra's favorite thing to do with Levi is playing with animals. She has a soft spot for animals, and she wanted for them to adopt a pet but she knew that the poor animal will only be given less attention because both of them are always busy.

-When Petra's theater world tour ended, she and Levi started living together. They didn't have the chance to do it before since they were both busy.

-Them living together is probably the height of their relationship. They fought, they had sex, they laughed, they played, they bathe together. They did everything together and it was a beautiful experience.

- For their third anniversary, Levi booked a vacation on a private island for a week. It was also their last bonding because Levi is going to start filming again for season four in less than a month.

- They did not communicate with anyone during that one week. It was just them, and they made the most of it.

- Mornings were spent for morning sex and breakfast in bed. Afternoons were for swimming, sleeping, cuddling, hugging, kissing, and every activity they could think of doing. They explored the island, they petted stray animals, they dived into the ocean, they build sandcastles, they ate different dishes, they had sex in caves and while swimming on the beach, they climbed trees, they bought souvenirs, and most importantly, they took many pictures together.

- Evenings were the most romantic of all. They had sex in the darkness of their own room while they hear the ocean waves crashed to the shore outside and as the sea breeze cooled their sweat-slicked skin. They took the time to explore each other’s body like it’s their last (because it will be in a matter of days).

- On their last night, Pet cried while they’re having sex. Levi’s face was buried on the crook of her neck and she was moaning one moment, and then the next she’s sobbing like a poor little baby.

- She said that she’d gotten used to life with Levi always by her side and she didn’t want it to ever change. Levi comforted her. He petted her hair, and he said that it’s going to be okay. He kissed her head, then her hair, her face, and her body. Then they had the most emotional and meaningful sex of their entire life.

- Levi started shooting again for season four. Petra, like the past seasons, visits him as much as she can. It was hard adjusting to this type of life again, but she’s a strong woman. And besides, she’s going to start rehearsing for another theater show again.

- They need to undergo medical check-ups before the casting and she found out then that she is pregnant with Levi’s baby.

- It freaked her out. She and Levi never talked about babies before since they’re busy with their careers, and their relationship has always been just the two of them.

- Levi was out of town for the shoot, and she didn’t want to tell him the good news on the phone so she patiently waited until he got home.

- He was greeted with a fancy dinner, and a “Welcome home, Daddy” by Petra. Levi thought that it was her being cheeky and naughty at first, but when dinner ended and she ran for her life to the sink, that’s when he started getting worried. And when Petra showed him the positive result in her medical check-up, well, let’s just say that on that day, Levi Ackerman received a good reminder of what he did to her on their vacation months ago.

- But seriously, he was seconds away from calling his manager and dropping his AoT contract just so he can take care of Petra and their baby. Petra said that it was fine, and she doesn’t want him to quit.

- Levi apologized to Petra many times because he wasn’t there when she discovered it, but she assured him that it was alright and it wasn’t his fault. God, he’s with the perfect woman.

- Since Levi is a big shot in the industry, he demanded control over his schedules. Honestly, he wanted to be at her side 24/7. He wanted to see her belly swell as months went by. He wanted to be the one to satisfy her midnight pregnancy cravings. He wanted to kiss her face and her belly first thing in the morning.

- He convinced Petra to move temporarily to the Ackerman family house where Levi’s parents are staying. Kenny and Mikasa also lived in the same affluent neighborhood. He had doctors, and helpers, and bodyguards hired for Petra. But she said that she’s too uncomfortable with many people around her.

- Petra and Levi’s mom build a bond of their own. She’d gotten to know more of Levi through his mother’s perspective. The older woman showed her Levi’s teenage room, his past awards, his photos, his audition tapes that weren’t out for the public, and she fell in love with him more.

- They had a super private wedding with their relatives and closest friends. Petra was six months pregnant by that time and season four is planned to air three months from now.

- So, you know about that one holy Rivetra panel where Petra is looking back to Levi? The reason why the scene was not in the actual show was that she is pregnant. That’s why the directors are forced to use old scenes from season one instead.

- Despite all the efforts of being private, paparazzi and the media still caught wind of the secret wedding, and rumors about Petra being pregnant started circulating over the internet. Levi shut down these rumors every time someone attempted to question him in his interviews.

- When the shooting ended, Petra was already eight months into pregnancy. As per tradition, the cast and staff held an after-party, but Petra was surprised when it became a baby shower for her instead.

- The baby was supposedly due in the third week of December, but Petra’s water broke around the first week instead and she started her labor. She ended up having the same birthday as their healthy baby boy.

- The baby was named River Ackerman. He was named after Levi’s role where he won the Best Actor Award when he was seventeen. It was also a tribute to Levi’s role in AoT since his name was sometimes spelled as ‘Rivaille’ on many occasions.

#this was so long oh boy #i love this au so much tooooo #y'all can send me more ask about this au if u want :)#rivetra #levi x petra #rivapeto #rivetra headcanon #rivetra actors au

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cosmicjoke · 3 years ago

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Alright, onto chapter 59 and 60 of AoT!

Chapter 59 of course has the big scene between Levi, Armin and Jean, and once again, we see Levi’s immense kindness on display, underneath the blunt honesty he also lays on his squad.

I feel like this scene really ties into my last post, and what I discussed about the 104th’s judgmentalism towards Levi, and how quick they were to condemn him for the actions he took. What strikes me during this scene from chapter 59 is how polar opposite Levi is in his own behavior from what the 104th’s was through chapter’s 57 and 58. That is to say, Levi’s utter LACK of judgmentalism towards his squad. This is one of the most remarkable things about Levi, and one of the traits that most highlights the actual goodness of his heart.

We see both Armin and Jean struggling immensely here with what happened in the wagon with that MP, Armin with the terrible guilt and fear that he killed a good person, and Jean with the awful guilt that his own hesitation and lack of commitment endangered everyone’s lives, and put the responsibility of taking a life on Armin.

What I find really interesting and telling about this scene is how Armin starts to voice his fear that the only reason he was able to kill the MP first was because she hesitated to kill Armin, but he can’t bring himself to ask the question to Jean, only imply it. And Jean, for his part, isn’t able to confess that that’s EXACTLY what happened. None of them want or are able in that moment to give life to their sense of guilt by admitting the truth of what happened.

And then... Levi steps in and does it for them.

He just flat out says the truth, where no one else was in that moment willing or able. That Armin was able to get his shot off first because the MP hesitated, and by saying so, he essentially forces Armin and Jean to confront the reality of what’s happened, and what they’ve done, and to come to terms with it. Levi then just flat out tells Armin that his hands are already dirty, and that there’s no going back to who he used to be, so he might as well just accept that this is who he is now. We see Mikasa start to make a protest, again, but Levi cuts her off and keeps going, to tell Armin that, if he hadn’t acted as he did, WHEN he did, Jean would likely be dead, and he tells Armin that he saved them all by getting his hands dirty, telling him that he’s grateful to him for that. Once again, we see Levi be the first and really only person there to express his gratitude and go out of his way to say thank you to one of his comrades for doing what needed to be done. He knows that Armin’s actions came at a great cost to himself, and he acknowledges that by expressing his gratitude for Armin’s sacrifice, for helping all of them, and giving a part of himself up in the process. This is exactly what Levi was trying to explain to them during the confrontation with Historia. That even if it means taking on the burden of guilt, or self-hatred, or being made to look like villains, none of that matters in the face of the greater good . Levi does the exact same thing with Jean, then, when Jean apologizes for judging Levi and his methods, and promising to not hesitate next time. Levi, once more, is brutally honest with Jean, telling him that, yes, because he hesitated, he put all of them in danger. Jean says he’s sorry, but then Levi tells him that what happened was “then and there” and “that’s it.”, before proceeding to tell him that he himself doesn’t know what’s right or wrong, and he wouldn’t try to tell Jean what is, that Jean may very well be right. Jean shows shock at this, and Levi’s willingness to consider Jean’s side and his thinking, despite how it put them all into a precarious position.

What gets me about this scene is how sharply it contrasts with the scene from chapter 57. Levi is totally upfront with his squad, telling them what he thinks and feels to their faces, being completely honest, and forcing them to be honest too, even though the truth is painful and sometimes ugly. He is, in turn, completely uncritical and non-judgmental towards Jean and Armin. Rather then condemning them, or belittling them, he tries his very best to comfort them and encourage them, and make them understand that they have nothing to feel guilty over, nothing to beat themselves up for. How, in fact, their actions were critical in aiding in all of their escapes. All of this is in such sharp contrast to how all of them acted in chapter 57, where Jean, Connie, Mikasa and Sasha were all highly critical and judgmental toward Levi, and how they only voiced those critics among themselves, not having the guts to say any of it to Levi’s face, the way Levi tells them without hesitation exactly what he’s thinking. This whole thing, I think, serves as a harsh lesson for the members of the 104th about the foolishness of being quick to judge and condemn without having a full grasp or understanding of the circumstances, the situation, or the person. Jean expresses remorse at having so quickly dismissed Levi’s methods as wrong, and says he’s sorry. But Levi doesn’t hold Jean’s own judgment of him against him, or tell him “apology accepted”, but rather tells Jean that he isn’t wrong to feel the way he did, basically telling Jean that it’s alright for him to think of killing as wrong, even still. When he tells Jean that what happened was “then and there. That’s it.”, he’s telling Jean that not all situations are the same, and that just because he made the wrong call in that particular circumstance, it doesn’t mean that a hesitation to kill in the future will be wrong. Levi is showing such a deep level of understanding and consideration for Jean’s feelings in this scene, and it’s just truly remarkable to watch unfold, again, especially, in light of how quick his squad was to judge him not that long before. We see Levi’s compassion for Jean’s feelings, and his consideration of his feelings here have an impact later on, between Jean and Marlowe, when Jean gives Marlowe a chance to prove his sincerity by not immediately killing him, even when he had the chance. We see Jean finally having listened to Levi, having heard his words and understood what he meant. That this situation was different from the one with the female MP in the wagon, that here, he WAS right to hesitate, here, he made the right choice. Levi is always impressing onto those around him that they can only ever try and make the right choice in any, given situation, and that they can’t expect those choices to always be the same across the board. That different circumstances call for different decisions, and there’s no point in beating yourself up or regretting those decisions that are made in the moment. Levi never puts unrealistic expectations or pressure on anyone around him to be perfect. He always tells them they’ve done a good job, just for trying. And that is just so incredibly sweet, and kind, and once again, really exemplifies just who Levi really is. Just that lack of judgment, that lack of condemnation, and the respect he shows to everyone by being HONEST with them, is amazing.

It’s interesting too, going through the rest of the chapter, and then chapter 60, when we see that Levi isn’t just some needlessly violent person that kills all the time. He doesn’t kill a single MP when they ambush them at their base, nor does he kill Marlow and Hitch, or the commander they take from the Interior Squads HQ. Once again, Levi’s squad gets another lesson in who Levi really is. That he’ll kill when it’s necessary, when it’s the lives of him and his comrades on the line. But when it’s a less dire situation, he doesn’t resort to it at all. He isn’t like Kenny, for example, who kills even when he doesn’t need to.

Another scene that really stood out to me in chapter 60, that I don’t think was animated, was when the commander they took from HQ tries to manipulate Levi into giving himself and the rest of his squad up, and tries to use Levi’s compassion against him, by telling him to save the lives of Erwin and his other comrades that have been arrested by giving up their own. This reminded me heavily of when Zeke tries to escape from the forest by turning Levi’s comrades into Titans, believing Levi won’t be able to kill them and thus leading to his own death. This kind of psychological deviousness, and attempts to use Levi’s compassion against him are particularly ugly, I think, particularly cruel and cynical. Especially in contrast to Levi’s own honesty and bluntness. Again, it only throws Levi’s own idealism and hopefulness into relief, seeing it clash up against the kind of psychologically manipulative games people like this MP and Zeke play at.

The way this commander of the interior MP’s tries to play head games with Levi by guilt tripping him, by claiming some of the people in HQ that they took down were only servants, and then implying that Levi doesn’t care about his comrades because he isn’t willing to turn himself and the other squad members in to save them is such an unkind thing to imply, because we know, and I think the MP knows, exactly just HOW much Levi cares about his comrades, and that’s why he tried this particular ploy. There isn’t anything much worse than the type of person who would use another person’s kindness and compassion against them this way, and again, the same way we see Zeke use it against Levi in that forest. And the same way we saw Levi’s pain and anguish in the forest when he realized what had happened, and what he would have to do, we see it too in the following panel here. Levi has, once again , an anguished look on his face as he readily admits that some SC members lives are worth more than others, meaning of course Eren and Historia’s lives are more vital than any of their own in overthrowing the corrupt government, and he understands in that way that even if it means Erwin and the others dying, it’s a sacrifice they have to be willing to make. You can see how these choices weigh down on Levi, how much it hurts him to have to make those choices, but tying back in to his earlier conversation with Armin and Jean, he has to be willing to make them in order to help the most people, and he never deludes himself about it. Levi is about as straightforward as you can get, he doesn’t mince words or try to play games, and he doesn’t lie to himself about any of it.

We get more of that honestly when he breaks the commanders arm and tells him straight that that was for refusing to answer his question.

That kind of honestly, both about himself and others, is part of what makes Levi not only the most heroic character in SnK, but also, in many ways, the bravest.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #Levi Ackerman #meta #thoughts #chapter 59 #chapter 60

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