#Ive never been more lonely
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Suspirium - Thom York
#this is my very favorite song and i think ive been wanting to make this for abt a year#when i was at my most compulsivly unwell i would be focusing so hard and sleeping so little that i would feel physically sick#like the world was tilting around me and i would think: all is well as long as i keep spinning#bc i would stop moving and suddenly id be in pieces on the floor. but now i think my favorite lines are: when i arrive will u come and find#me? or in a croud be one of them? bc its such a profoundly lonely idea. i dont believe in a life after death. i think when ur gone ur gone#your brain stops and the thing that made you you is gone forever. but if i imagined an afterlife image getting off a train onto a crowded#platform and searching for my mom through all the chaos. when i arrive will u come and find me? would our connect extend past a lifetime?#or would u be in a crowed one of them? would i stand alone in a sea of people waiting for someone who was never coming?#its a very upsetting thought#im glad i waited to make this bc i feel the song more deeply after the death of my mom. it feels more sad and more ethereal.#there r like 2 different versions of the lyrics bc thom york is so fucking hard to understand#so i use the version i like better#original art
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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Touga kyriuu......................... *Inspects him under a ringlight like a surgeon*
#he's been getting into my braun recenyly even tho i might be very less interested jn utena sadly#boy who is terrible omg hiiiiii#i kknda get him btw (never gone theough anything like that im just horrible)#well. hes a super interesting character and honestly. characters tyat use the harmful system to their advantage#i kinda feel it idk. maybe because ive always been a lonely child who had more affinity w adults (authorities)#i really hope touga could get away from ohtori and lived. and realized#away from nanami anthy and saionji and everyone tbh#but most importantly away from akio ohtori#rgu#revolutionary girl utena#touga kyriuu
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Idk who needs to hear this but like
Nothing about jimins and jungkooks relationship is performative and whatever the heck it is (familial, platonic, romantic, etc etc etc) it's undeniably real and the only thing that keeps me with faith in humanity
#also pls bring hobi home bc jimins doing the lords work without him and its unfair#but FOR REAL#he flew across the globe for 3 or so days in nyc#2 of which were spent with jungkook like theres literally nothing else he could've been there for besides just supporting koo from the side#AND WE SAW THIS EXACT SHIZ GO DOWN WHEN JIMIN WAS DOING HIS CB AND LITERALLY ALL JK COULD DO WAS TALK ABOUT HIS JIMIN HYUNG#they are so fond and im so fond and pls#i want whatever tf is going on between them#as its been a decade and ive never seen 2 people more commited to the others happiness and this ladies and gents#is how you show people you care#minguk#like dear Gosh theyre so fcking cute someone pls stop them im lonely#jikook#mimi#gukkie
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#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
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I've been doing SO MUCH HARD STUFF lately and ZERO DOPAMINE REWARD has been issued!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am owed at least a fucking WEEK of happiness or at the very least CONTENTMENT and i am gonna be PISSED OFF until i GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRR
#BLOGGING LOUDLY#i am so frustrated and annoyed and lonely that i am close to tears#i got my pin today but it's STILL TOO FUCKING HOT to wear my jacket! so i can't even enjoy it!!!#ive had to take stressful detours to and from work and my card has been declining and i got my credit knocked down a lot AND my wo#work campaign is going awful AND i have had to go to THREE crowded loud places this week AND my prescription DIDN'T GET FILLED#i dropped out of my only vending opportunity#my wife just got injured so now I've got to try to make them rest and not injure it WORSE and they refuse to let me take care of them#its not been the worst week of my life but it's NON STOP shit#since i loved my recent tattoo the universe said no more good feelings for you i guess!#i have been trying to reach out to my one friend more too and i hate myself for it. we're not even friends the way this is going#UGH!!!!!#my script not coming in is going to fuck my emotional state worse than anything else >:( i FILLED IT last week and it never processed!!!!!#>:'(
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my best friend's MOTHER called me to scold me about being depressed and self isolating lol what has life even come to
#she was like. kya hua why won't you meet her she's saying you're busy do you have exams or something#and she knows too much about me so she's like beta exam toh agli saal hai na#it was more like pyaar se scolding ki mil liya karo usse acche lagega she's very sad she misses you#i was like. hmph. what??? she certainly hasn't said that to me#im kinda sick and tired of begging people to make me a priority pay attention to me tbh. i did ask to meet but she was like you come to my#house only i won't come to your house. even tho last few months ive been to her house soooo many times because of her parental drama#i don't want to go anymore im trying to study consistently and we don't sleep at all during nighout and i don't even want to waste a single#day. plus dad is being so weird and involved these days i can't even just sneak out. i mean if she came to my home atleast i wouldn't be so#tired that id waste the whole next day. but she doesn't wanna and she doesn't even have a reason so i just let it be i gave up#but aunty made me feel so guilty so whatever i texted like hey u wanna meet#tbh i don't want to sit and listen to her boyfriend drama all night. she never wants to do stuff together anymore we used to watch movies#we used to dance to songs we used to have so much fun. we were even planning on drinking but she keeps cancelling. now it's just endless#talk about how she feels so lonely and how she misses the guys so fuckinh much and howshe can't stop talking to them and how she needs them#to fill the gap the empty space#well fuck you!!! i feel the same and you don't give a fuck. you blow me off constantly don't hangout for a month even when we're in the#same city !! so we fuck you go to your boys and go your cousin ill be on my fucking own then always on my own desperately#trying everything to fix myself enough to move forward so my life doesn't fall apart and comes to a crashing halt#okay im definitely pmsing but whatever
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I just wish people liked being around me
#i feel so fucking lonely#like i was yalking to my friend who was talking about how he was imvited to go out tonight#and thats never happened to me#ive never been invited to places really#unless i kinda invite myself tbh#ive never gone to a bar and then gone to a second location#i just wanna have people who think pf me when theyre doing things#i want people to want me around#and is some of this the DID talking ?? yes#i have parts who mever get to do things like that for one reason pr another#i want people to think im cool in some regard or at least interesting enough to keep around#but no#im just here alone on a friday night and i couldnt go out cuz im sick#meanwhile my partner is sleeping over at a friends place cuz hey shes got a car and is good at people#she gets invited to things all the time and im so fucking burnt out from work that i never get to fucking do anything i hate this so much#i just feel so goddamn alone and unwanted#i know the latter isnt true but it sure fucking feels like it rn#and im gonna be even more isolated this summer since im working 2 jobs#and none of my close friends like to do anything interesting#im just so bored and stagnant and lonesome#i wish i coul sleep
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god they were right. those ocs can brainrot
#i have not been able to stop thinking about them and this is for the worse#i need to get STUFF DONEEEE#but all i can think about is Them <3 Augh <3 i dont even have tim eto draw or write about them naow... because i SPENT IT ALL#AAAAAA#text post#not art#i want to draw them doing everything ever its been Forever since ive been obsessed with my own ocs like this#the last time this happened to This Degree or even CLOSE. this might be worse. was with CK#and i doubt anyone on this blog really remembers them :p#but ck didnt really have any ccharacters to bounce off of (except a friends character)#cuz hes just like. a miserable fuck and his story is so sad and lonely#but these guys are FUN and COOL and interact in fun ways and ive never been able to care about More Than One OC at once like this#not of my own...
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last few hours in boston :(
#purrs#conference tag#we literally just got here and now we have to go 😭💔 i havent rly felt as enriched by this conference as i have in the past (though there’s#still 2 more sessions to go to incl the closing plenary and we’re getting lunch in the station before the train ride home) but ive walked#around so much and have spent time with people i love and some people i miss. and have been on adventures i have been looking forward to for#a rly long time though i am kinda bummed i never made it down to fanueil square. but… idk what happiness feels like anymore but maybe for me#it’s just absence of misery and despair. or contented ness. i have gotten a little triggered from time to time these last few days and ive b#been lonely in my hotel room but MAN it has been nice to not be miserable and suffering and to take walks and to not go to every session (ev#even though i do feel bad abt it like i missed 2 plenaries and an afternoon concurrent session which is more than i usually miss) and to#be in this city which feels so much like brighton and so uncity like in some ways. it’s so charming and omg i went to harvard and it was#NOTHING like what i imagined it to be / feel like.. just a quaint artsy quirky town. and the rest of the places ive been have been like that#too. and people LIVE here every day!!!!! there’s a big beautiful world here both above ground and below!!!! and im gonna be late to#breakfast but… i just feel nourished and healed in a way i wasn’t expecting to. I haven’t been this far away from home in 3+ years and#it’s just been really nice being somewhere else and going on adventures and seeing things surviving. i miss my grandparents a lot and im sad#to not be visiting them and to be unable to visit them now lol but it’s just rly nice and special being here. im goingto miss it so much and#im trying to savor every second. i wish we had one more day here and im a little sad to be going home lol#* what i meant when talking about happiness earlier is that i think… i have been happy these last few days. for the first time in a really#really long one. and that’s nice. it’s good to be happy again. and good to be here
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sometimes you gotta go sit on the porch in the middle of the night and stare at the stars for half an hour or so
#its been a rough week ngl#starting to think my biggest roadblock to happiness is just how suffocatingly lonely i am idk#and its all tangled and confused#im starting to think im aromantic idk#like i dont necessarily want a partner in the romantic sense#but the idea of having someone who youre committed to and is committed to you in turn is very appealing#idk i think i want something more along the lines of a qpr#its just tough because ive never really been interested in dating or whatever and i thought that meant i was happy to just be by myself#but im starting to think thats not quite accurate#and its terrifying because i have no idea how to reach for something like that#dont mind me rambling its 1 am and i didnt take my meds yesterday so im a bit jumbled i think#this is unrelated to the rest of this but for a minute i thought about taking up smoking so id have a reason to go outside more often#idk like i said its been a weird week
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i need to move out of this 'idk what im doing with myself' phase in my life and start doin shit that makes me feel like it matters
#i need someone in my life#im tired of being lonely#i want to move out of this shitty tiny apartment#i just wanna be happy more frequently than what im currently doing#but it just all kinda feels out of reach#im maybe about to get a new job#but idk im trying to stay positive#but im worried im like#just gonna feel the same way i do now at starbucks#i wish someone was waiting for me at home#i wish i had most constant psychical companionship in my life#idk im being whiney and needy#but idk how to take those steps for myself#iv never been wanted by anyone in that depth#and when i was they were like#ppl i went to school with#and i was skinny and young and cis#now im fat and an unexperianced adult and an transman who doesnt pass at all#ppl like me but no one wants me#no one wants to spend time with me on a permanent bases#and im still not sure if im capable of seeing myself as worth bothering other ppl to want me#i think im too shy#or the idea of having to open myself up to someone else so they can fit into the very specific niche of myself as a person#i sound exhuasting to be around#and im not partically good looking or good at stuff to make myself worth being around#'oh but sammi your funny and a good friend'#but that only goes so far!#no one wants to be in a realtionship with me#no one wants to deal with the specific melt downs i have#or to deal with my odd uneven level of relationship experiance i have
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Bad news I'm considering getting a dating app. Time to go hang out with my parents for a weekend so I swear off other people for another month!
#ramblings from me#its a vicious cycle#ill think hey im kinda lonely#maybe i should try to date#then ill spend time with me family#and i have never been more glad to be alone in my life#also ive got a roommate right now#and she sucks#so i definitely dont want more people in the mix
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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