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lily-fics-11 · 3 months ago

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I Can See You: Chapter 5 (Ellie Williams, TLOU)

I Can See You

Fic master post here

*Not beta read

This took forever and I’m so sorry😭 Since I last updated, I took a trip to see my girlfriend and she came to see me too (if it seems like I’m in my lover girl era it’s because I am). I went on a trip to Disney (I am an extensive planner, I even made spreadsheets. I put my heart and soul into it) (I had to prep my body and mind as well, for spending that much time with my mother, also the Florida heat and tons of walking). I’ve done a bunch of babysitting and have been on the hunt for a full-time job! I missed writing and hope to get to do it much more often now!!!

Ellie Williams is a player, on and off the lacrosse field. You begin tutoring her so that she can get her grades up and stay on the team. You try to keep things professional, however, your affection is a great motivator. Ellie wouldn't be caught dead with you so you become her secret mission.

Chapter 5

Ellie gets a little jealous when another girl shows interest in you. You share many sweet moments as she tries to spend every second with you that she can.

Word count: 4k

CW: *Ellie and reader are both 18* profanities, sexual innuendo/references, semi-intimate situations, mentions of drinking/smoking weed

You and Ellie spend the rest of the time before her practice kissing and planning dates. Neither of you can wait to share your dorky interests with the other.

Picking up your phone, while getting ready to leave, you see a text from Elise. It’s not about homework. You audibly groan and Ellie raises an eyebrow.

“I got a text from Elise,�� you tell her and then read it out loud. “Are you going to Kyle’s Saturday night? I’m hoping to see you there.”

Ellie’s face scrunches up in disgust, but she doesn’t say anything.

“I told her to only text me for school stuff. I’m going to remind her,” You tell Ellie, then type out a text while reading it out loud.

“I'm happy to answer your questions about school work, but I’m not looking to be involved with you in the way I think that you want us to be. I’m your tutor now and that wouldn’t be appropriate.” Ellie laughs at that, you ignore the irony. “Also, I’m seeing a girl that I like a lot, you and I aren’t going to be anything more than friendly.”

“You tell her.” Ellie nods in approval, hyping you up. “That girl better watch herself. She might be disrespecting what you want on purpose, but she doesn’t know that she is disrespecting me too.”

Elise asks who you are seeing so you tell her that the girl goes to North, not someone she would know. Ellie laughs again, though somewhat maniacally this time.

Ellie hugs you while saying goodbye, holding your close, not letting you leave until she is satisfied. She kisses you softly, longingly, and the taste of her lips lingers on yours for a while after you have parted ways.

Ellie calls you that night, to check that no one was bothering you. You tell her that Elise had continued asking more questions but you stopped answering.

Ellie was not happy to hear that.

The next morning you get a text from Ellie.

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: You free during home room today?

You: Yes!

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: Meet me in the science wing bathroom at 8

You like the message and finish getting ready. You get a hall pass and leave to meet Ellie. The science wing is empty during homeroom, so it’s a good spot to be alone.

When you walk in Ellie is leaning back with her hands on the sink.

“We’ve unlocked a new location,” she points out enthusiastically.

“We have,” you giggle at how cute she is.

“Less than ideal, but I like getting to see you in person.”

“You spend plenty of time seeing me in person,” you tease her. She walks over to you and flips your hood over your head.

“Actually spending time with you,” she specifies grabbing your hands to pull your arms around her.

You lean your head onto Ellie’s shoulder. “It is really nice getting to hang out with you. Even if it’s only for a few minutes.”

“A few minutes?!” She practically yells in your ear.

“It may be normal for you to disappear for a half hour but if I’m gone more than 5 minutes people are going to think I’ve got explosive diarrhea or something.”

Her face is contorted in confusion until it hits her, eliciting a discouraged sigh.“You study during homeroom don’t you?”

You raise an eyebrow. “That’s what it’s there for.”

Ellie waves a hand in the air dismissively. “It’s like those yellow speed signs, a suggestion.”

Your jaw drops and you shake your head in mock disapproval. “Remind me not to get in a car with you.”

“I am a GREAT driver. I’ll pick you up for our first date and show you.” Ellie says matter-of-factly. Eyebrows furrowed, but a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

Your heart flutters at the mention of a first date, but it is against your nature to halt the banter. “I’ll just have to bring a helmet.”

“I’m coordinated enough to play lacrosse. You on the other hand, I bet you hit a lot of curbs.”

“I plead the fifth!” You stick your tongue out at her.

“I know that one!” Ellie informs you with enthusiasm, eager to impress you.

“I feel like you are the kind of person to know the rules so that you can break them most effectively,” you tease her and you can tell by the look in her eyes that you are right on the money.

Ellie throws her hands up in the air. “I want my lawyer!”

You playfully shove her and she grabs your arms to rope you into a hug.

On Friday during your tutoring session with Elise you are working in a textbook. You slide the book towards her to point to the asymptote in the graph and she puts her hand on top of yours. You quickly pull away and you hear a textbook fall off a shelf nearby, but don't think anything of it.

When Elise asks to borrow your pencil sharpener she tries to slide her hand over yours once again. Before you can react someone coughs loudly from the other side of a book shelf. Elise gets startled and quickly lets go.

Reading over an answer to a problem Elise had done you hear a very familiar voice hoarsely whisper “what the fuck!”

You look around for Ellie but the first thing you notice is Elise’s arm around the back of your chair.

“Do that again and you won’t have a tutor anymore,” you tell her sternly and she folds her arms across her chest in a huff.

Looking around you see a pair of eyes peeking through a hole on the bookshelf, they are green and sparkling in a way that tells you they are accompanied by a smile. Further down the shelf you see another face poking through, Paz, accompanying Ellie on her little mission.

You pull out your phone and send Ellie a text.

You: Are you spying on me???

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: I have no idea what you are talking about

You: None at all?

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: You’re right. Now that I’m thinking about it Paz mentioned something about undercover work

You look back towards Ellie and Paz and they quickly duck out of sight. You have to stifle your laugh and refocus on your job.

Friday at the end of the school day you head to the locker room to retrieve your gym clothes, they need to be washed. You are giddy at the prospect of catching a glimpse of Ellie. Even if you don’t get to talk to her, let alone be near her.

When you enter the locker room you are greeted by the sound of a ruckus. You hear a crash a few rows back, like someone fell into a locker.

You creep down the rows of lockers to investigate. That requires navigation through a crowd of softball and lacrosse players. You see Ellie hovering in an offensive stance over Elise, who is crouching slightly, as if recovering from a hit.

“What the hell, Williams?” Elise asks in disgust, shoving Ellie away from her.

Ellie pushes her back, much harder. “Just think you need to watch yourself, Knolls.”

Elise doesn’t retaliate this time, Ellie plays lacrosse she knows how to rough someone up. “Fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Ellie pushes Elise up against the lockers and pins her there. You may or may not be jealous. “Don’t ever get in my way again.” The gathered crowd collectively gasps but no one tries to intervene. After staring Elise down long enough to make her point, Ellie lets go of her and turns away. Elise watches confused, pissed off, and embarrassed. You know why Ellie is angry with her, though you are baffled that she would display those emotions so publicly.

What if Elise told someone about this and Ellie ended up in the principal’s office? What would she tell her? Sorry, she was flirting with the girl I like. She was MY tutor first!

This isn’t a side of Ellie you are familiar with. This aggression is uncalled for, but it’s attractive. Seeing her physically fight for you? It has you in a lust filled haze.

The crowd disperses and Ellie walks past you. Her cheeks flush when she spots you, realizing you saw what just happened. But her expression turns cocky when she sees the hunger in your eyes. She bites her lip and winks at you. Her hand reaches so that her fingertips brush over your waist. No one else could have seen because of the way you two were positioned. Normally you would have panicked, but the public display of affection was concealed by the angle of her body. Not to mention the way you caught up in the passion you share.

Even after Ellie passes by, you stand there dumbfounded. Nonetheless, you force yourself to shake it off in order to continue on with your day. But your phone buzzes…

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: You liked that didn’t you?

Everyone else should be gone in about 10

Want to wait around?

You: That was a bad idea, confronting her like that

But yes I liked it

And yes I’ll be waiting

You dawdle at your locker while the chatting dies down to silence and footsteps are no longer falling.

Ellie approaches you and leans against a locker with her arms crossed.

“You know where my gym locker is?” You question.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t know where to watch you get changed?”

You playfully hit Ellie in the arm. “Shut up!”

“My locker is right on the other side.” She admits. “Doesn’t matter how many voices are around, I can always hear yours.”

Focusing down on your shoes you blink rapidly and take a deep breath, unsure of how to handle this attention. Yes, you’ve received this type of attention before. But Ellie being the girl that notices you is still incomprehensible. Not only that, you have now seen her feelings towards you exist outside of when you two are alone. Sweet moments in secret are one thing, but her defending your honor? Of course no one knows that’s what it is, but it doesn't stop your head from spinning.

Ellie tilts your face up with her pointer finger and your wide eyes stare into hers, they are focused on you.

“What?” She asks, her worry evident in her expression as she searches yours for a clue of how you are feeling.

“It’s nothing,” you lie and Ellie raises an eyebrow. She knows you too well now to get away with that.

“Well…” your voice is soft and timid. “It’s that… you just … seem to care a lot about me. And it’s sweet.

“I do care a lot about you. I guess I need to make that more clear. I have a secret to tell you.” You cock your head to the side in confusion, Ellie leaning close to whisper “I like like you.” In your ear. You start giggling.

Ellie wraps her arms around your waist and tucks her face into the crook of your neck. You rest your cheek on her soft auburn hair and hold her tight. You feel Ellie take a deep breath, breathing in your scent, and feeling her exhale on your neck sends shivers down your spine.

“I have to go to practice but I don’t want to,” she mumbles.

You sigh. “I don’t want you to go either. But super stars don’t skip practice.”

“Super star?” She asks, picking her head up to look at you. Her surprise is so genuine it melts your heart.

“I watched your old games, Ellie. You really are talented.”

Ellie smirks, her sense of wonder broken by her dirty mind. “Talented,” she repeats.

You roll your eyes playfully and ignore the comment. “You can’t slow down now. You’ve got another championship to win.”

She nods in agreement, with a sense of duty. “Very true. I’m like a Wendy’s 4 for 4. Plus I am dating the smartest girl and it would be embarrassing if she wasn’t dating the best lacrosse player.”

“I’ll never eat Wendy’s the same way ever again.”

Ellie’s green eyes sparkle devilishly. “Yeah. You’ll be eating me too.”

“I’m looking forward to it. But my super star really does need to get to practice.”

“Will you stay with me until I’m ready to leave?” Ellie asks shyly, a bright flush coloring her freckled face.

“Of course I can.”

Ellie grabs your hand and leads you over to her locker. She opens it up and pulls out her practice clothes.

You don’t even pretend that you aren’t watching. Ellie watched you watch her. She pulls her shirt over her head, only momentarily breaking eye contact when the fabric passes over her face.

Your breath hitches seeing her like this. Her sports bra hugging her exquisitely and her abdomen pleasantly toned. The urge to trace you fingertips over her impressive body burns in the pit of your stomach.

“Like what you see?” Ellie chuckles, clearly pleased to see you gawking at her.

“I guess you could say that,” you sigh, pretending like you aren’t ogling at her body.

“Don’t lie to me, tutor girl.”

You cross your arms and pout. “Fine. I’m impressed. Happy now?”

“Very.” Ellie hooks her arm around your waist and drags you into her, hastily, and you have to grab her shoulders to steady yourself. Ellie presses her forehead to yours and you take a deep breath after she has taken it away.

“Pretty girl.” Ellie mumbles and you just gaze at her starry eyed. Ellie kisses you gently and you let your hand slide down her body, over her perky breasts and tight abs. You grab her hips firmly when you get there and then distance yourself, still holding on to her.

“Practice,” you remind her and she groans. Ellie throws on her practice pinnie and then slides down her pants leaving her in her boxers. Thankfully she pulls a pair of shorts over them right away.

Ellie puts her clothes away and starts taking her practice things out.

“Can you hold this for me?” She asks, extending her lacrosse stick towards you. You nod as you take it. Ellie slings her lacrosse backpack over her shoulder and stops to take you in for a moment.

“I didn’t actually need you to hold it,” Ellie admits. “I just knew you would look cute.”

You shake your head at her and bite back a smile.

“I’ll text you after practice,” she tells you before giving you a quick peck on the lips and heading out.

You stand there dumbfounded for a moment.

Is this real?

Does Ellie Williams really like you?

This is not something you ever imagined happening, but here you are, kissing her before she goes to practice.

You literally pinch yourself so that when you get a text from Ellie you know it’s real.

Ellie sends you a message after she has finished with her practice. You ask each other about your time apart and chat.

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: Can you send me your schedule?

You: Plan on stalking me?

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: Yes

I’ve got some of it figured out but I want to try and run into you whenever I can

You send her a picture of your schedule.

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: I didn’t know half these classes existed

This doesn’t look fun

Like at all

You: Don’t worry about me😂

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: Don’t tell me what to do😡

I’m going to make sure you don’t get too stressed💚

You: I have a few ideas about how you could do that

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: 👀👀👀👀

I will mix wholesome and not so wholesome

You: Sounds like a plan

Ellie ends up going on a rant about practice, Abby Anderson did something to piss her off. However, Ellie’s team won their scrimmage so it’s okay.

You text Ellie the rest of the night and end up staying up later than usual until you finally say goodnight. Even though you don’t want to.

On Saturday Ellie has an away game and then goes to a party with a bunch of her teammates.

You spend the afternoon studying, then go to a party yourself. Definitely not the same one.

Elise eyes you from across the room and you ignore her. When your friends ask why you are giving her the cold shoulder you tell them it’s because you are her tutor now. Your friends are relieved, they know how that type of thing has gone in the past. You are happy they don’t know it already happened again.

You socialize outside of your friend group too, politely ignoring any flirting. You have a lot of fun, even if you are waiting for your phone to buzz.

You hear from Ellie more than you expect to. She keeps you updated on the drama around her and you can tell she had been smoking before she even mentioned it. She is more silly than usual, and it’s incredibly charming, especially since you’ve had a bit to drink.

Nicole sees you smiling at your phone. “I know that look!”

She gets excited but rolls her eyes when you try to brush it off. She looks you up and down with a bit of an attitude, it’s unlike you to keep this kind of thing from her.

“Fine. I’m talking to a girl,” you admit and Nicole’s eyes light up.

“Are you going to tell me who it is?” She pesters you, a wildly excited look in her eyes.

You make up a little lie. Nicole isn’t ready for the truth yet. “She goes to North. You wouldn’t know her.” Nicole knows who Ellie is but she doesn’t really know her. Not like you do.

She squints her eyes at you. “Is that all I get?”

“For now.” You take a long sip of your drink, signaling you are moving on from this topic.

Nicole shakes her head in disapproval. “I guess that’s better than nothing. Don’t think I’ll be forgetting about this.”

You and your friends get picked up around 2 am. On your way back to Nicole’s you get a text from Ellie, asking you to come over. You tell her that you can’t drive anywhere because you’ve been drinking. She says she is high but can walk to you, so you explain that you are sleeping over at a friend’s. Ellie says she will be coordinating with you next weekend because she always misses you extra when she’s intoxicated.

Sunday is busy. School work, chores, and family dinner.

Ellie gets some homework done too, alongside a bunch of yard work with Joel.

You get a lovely text from Ellie Monday morning.

You: Good morning:)

What are you doing up so early?

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: Getting you coffee

You: I always make it at home you don’t have to do that

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: I want to.

And I know your order anyways

You: How????

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: I took a picture of it that day you came in late with Dunkin

In case I ever needed it

You: I’m genuinely impressed

You’re 10 steps ahead

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: 🫡

Meet you at your car when you get to school?

You: What if someone sees us?!

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: I’m like Michael Jackson

You: ???????

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: A smooth criminal

You: That’s actually a good one😂

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: I’m glad you said that, otherwise I’d have to beat it

You: Okay ma’am that’s enough

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: Don’t act like this isn’t a thriller for you my PYT

You: You are too much

In the best way possible

Space Nerd 🚀🤓:

When you park at school you let Ellie know that you have arrived.

Out of nowhere Ellie casually strolls by and leaves a cup of coffee on the hood of your car.

As you are getting out and picking it up Abby pulls in next to you. She gives you a smile and a wave, so you politely wave and smile back.

Your phone immediately starts ringing and you pick up.

“NO FUCKING WAY SHE’S GOT THE SPOT NEXT TO YOU!” Ellie yells into the phone and you are grateful the volume wasn’t all the way up. Would’ve burst your eardrums.

“Last year too,” you inform her.

“My enemy is living my dream,” Ellie practically growls.

“I would pay good money for you to be my parking neighbor,” you promise her.

“Top dollar?” She questions, deadly serious.

“Absolutely!” You assure Ellie. You hear her sigh in relief.

“Thank you. I gotta go but I’ll talk to you later?”

“I would love that!”

“Bye pretty girl,” you can hear Ellie’s smile in her voice.

“Bye El.”

You say hello to Nicole a few minutes later.

“Is that Dunkin’!?” She gasps.

“Uh… yeah?”

“You didn’t even ask me if I wanted any! You always do!” Nicole groans.

“Sorry, I uh… it totally slipped my mind. I really needed it this morning,” you explain, trying to cover your tracks.

“You should set a location reminder on your phone. When you get to Dunkin’ it will remind you to ask if I want some,” Nicole says, not a hint of sarcasm.

You salute her. “Aye aye captain!”

Your phone buzzes a few times during 5th period, but you don’t check it until class is over.

Space Nerd 🚀🤓: Don’t go into 6th period right away (12:35 pm)

My class is right across from yours (12:35 pm)

I want to say hi (12:35 pm)

And maybe kiss you👀 (12:35 pm)

Hi (12:47 pm)

Hey (12:53 pm)

You don’t check your phone during class do you (12:55 pm)

When you see the messages you like them all and hurry to your next class.

As you approach your 6th period class you look for Ellie. She is outside the door across the hall, mindlessly rummaging through her backpack, despite looking around for you and not at all paying attention to what she is doing. Ellie winks at you when she spots you.

When the bell rings the hallway starts to clear, so you bend down to tie your shoe to stall.

Once the hallway is almost empty Ellie gets up and starts to walk over to you. Once everyone is gone she says hi and grabs your hand, giving you a quick kiss.

“I know you don’t want to be late. I’ll see you later.” Ellie holds your hand for another moment before finally letting go and heading across the hall. She gazes back longingly, a pouty frown on her face, not wanting to leave you.

You bite your lip, just as sad to watch her go, and think to yourself “I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into, but I don’t think I care.”

Tags: @bready101, @st4r-b3rries, @tlou-bombshell, @stvrs13, @dinanellie, @everegretseverything, @mikellie, @lamolaine, @0pheli4, @soupycloud, @radioheadfan699, @callmelola111, @hysteriawillnotsuccumb, @normalthing111, @3isosoup, @lmaoo-spiderman, @cqliflower

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captain-aralias · 3 years ago

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Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all.

but i also wanted to write this, idk.

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer.

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown.

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again.

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo.

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days.

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital.

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it.

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about.

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly.

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it.

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison.

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am.

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life.

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now.

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal.

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it.

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.)

what else did i want to say?

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.)

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it.

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point.

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin.

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute.

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but.....

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be.

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog.

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.)

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens.

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years.

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it.

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while.

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer.

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

#my content #tw: death #tw: death of a parent #tw: death of a loved one #personal #tw: cancer

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throwingideasatthewall · 4 years ago

Text

Clone Wars Shadow Warriors

Seas 4

Oh this- just screams edgy ... Whelp

So is Jar Jar an adult, now,? (Asking because before his characteri zation was force of nature to child

Now he seems to have his own personality.

Which is fine if you want to change some details for the sake of a better story, (Or to simply explore a new angle,). Aesthetic

Just. need to make sure I’m holding them to the right standard,

Okay,

That- was relatively adult,

Um.

Aight . . Well-

Wait

Did they just call Jar Jar away from Cou-ncil-

. I mean they are clearly trying which is some thing I do give credit for-

Though The Tone Is Robot- Ic-

(Though that might be int- entional since it seems to be hinting that this lady is practicing some kind of mind tricks on him

(Aka, he’s doing it under tox, because we don’t do suspension of choice in dra- mat ic Me- -dia,

S’up

What?

I-

H-elp

Screw my own accou- -ntability - See that was the correct -amount of emotion-

. Okay - Right-

Sus- (pic)

No one noticed the obvious people right there?

Like not even Mr. sus there?

[or are they just so kind that it’s like oh yeah we were just talking hate speech but go right ahead?

Logic?

There

Yeah some shit is definitely going on,

For sake of argument* sake, i’m just going to assume that his reaction to toxic behavior

*Account ability-

Any way

I-

I’m still going to try,

Despite you clearly saying you want understood

Because assumed authority - and assuming you know better than a person about themselves

Is totally ok-

- In this society

-[Cries in sad “accountability,” -of- war, ]

Whelp,

In- flue- n -c e

Still an adult-

Okay-

Imagine it was just a normal necklace and he pulled that shit-

[Ok for the sake of argument I’m going to assume the necklace is symbolism for toxic influence,

Being around it enabling]

It- - His voice voice dropped like - 6 octaves

Also I swear if they try to excuse him for his actions-

Mind over matter -Okay, so they’re not excusing him for his -actions,

Me- an - OK so it’s not naturally evil it just comes down to the users so that dude was still totally responsible,

Didn’t change - much

- Ha-Ha

Actual gas -lighting”

Also persuade, - Okay, good not excusing him from his actions, - Thing

The gaslighting goes deep - Also isn’t the Darkside supposed to be negative over involvement? - Aight- - - A-lone

Oh yeah that’s a great idea let’s just let the dude that just got gaslighted and completely fell forward go back into the person who did it,

👍

Genius

(This Jedi Council is fucking brilliant)

Gas- Light- Ing

(Note; Confronting the gas lighter is never the way to do it (Inter- Gen-) (Excluding accountability of the abuser (Gen-break Venting Pro- Ced- u re)

[as you’re usually too angry to let them get a word in edgewise And remain; in control)

With inter- gen productivity, They are possibly given five warnings before Being Kick ed-]

For the sake of argu- ment as well as simplicity-

We’re stick -ing with bas- ic-

If someone’s acting toxic with you, you reflect and you don’t have to hang out with anyone you don’t want to,

Logic

This dude is very clearly making it obvious that he’s willing to listen to this person,

And, enabling

“Cl-”

See he’s gaslighting him again because he thinks he can get away with it,

With no accoun- tability-

(Or the small bit this society believes in which is jail,”

Wr-

Oh!

Is he a Gungan Jedi?

Also,

You Don’t

SAY!

(The repeated Gaslighter who has shown multiple times to be toxic, Was toxic, (And prepared to use any means to subvert the will?

Prize for the most in competent Je di

Like, Serious- (Really had to put those two accoun t- ability- cells to good - use-”

(For matting issue-)

The writer just saving us the effort of him coming downstairs -all feckin- weird, and the obvious “should’ve seen that coming, “

? ha-ha

What?

Oh yeah no the creepy magical stuff wasn’t enough of a fecking clue in-

Appar-

Whelp-

He snapped out of that quick-

Like didn’t even need a reverse- mind trick

Good for him-

And - actual- nar- rative- -

Whelp,

Wreck-ing -house

Okay, but how do you think this is going to look to the general public like two Jedi,( very good at persuasion - mind tricks’ -just showed up, now they’re leader and said Jedi are wreck-ing one of their minster’s houses-

One who could’ve feign- ed lack of support for the war

Like if this is a set up-

the chips- are about to fall,

Da-

Okay, seriously how obviously evil, was this person?

Like we have a weird creepy room, The robots apparently hanging from the chandelier (eck) And the knife

Like if this person ever- went- through a checkpoint

Also, Oh-

That-

(That really does not look good,)

Bo-ss

Yeah, she clearly has medical experience,

(Also yeah that’s really going to make it better-”

Oh yeah the senator was seen trying to clean up the evidence-

Well the Jedi ran out full sword’s- a blazing

(Instead of you know the Senator chasing after him, While the peacekeeper stayed behind and tried to tend to the person,]

Great - - Or Not-

Well- tensions just got raised,

Of,

Ai. Ght,

Whelp,

(Okay, no way he’s totally not dead but sure-)

A-i-

Whe-

That- sucks- - Un- Con-cious

That- doesn’t tell me anything else-

Like; Critical condition?

D-usk

Li-terally no one else?

(Like don’t get me wrong I’ve been a pretty big Jar-jar fan ever since the change-)

But really, the Senator, the person that spends the most time away from your - planet

That’s the person, they trust the most?

Ai-

Hm-

Oh yeah just put on the deadly leaders hat-

The rese-mblance-

Not really?

I mean all humans technically look the same-

But-

Pretty sure Jar jar is a lot scrawn- thin -er

Also if they’re not going to listen to him as him they’re not going to listen to him as he pretends to be their (dead) leader

Also, please don’t go with the liar revealed plot,

Yeah no, they have completely different kind of light. tones,

The face structure-

Co-mpletely different-

Nope

-Dead

Di-ssent

Agree

I-

OK yeah I’m just gonna go over the fact, that as previously state, I am not a huge fan of the liar revealed plot-

-or lying

(No because it’s- unrealistic- - or there’s anything wrong with it

-people do lie

-maybe because of how overdone and poorly done it’s been,

-With the liar getting off Scott free without any weight

But I really don’t like this plot-

-And the skip button maybe used ad- nausuem- -

[Well- shit [for reference; I was using the skip button ad nausuem when I randomly stopped at the part with Greivous

Things just got a whole lot worse]

[Tumblr Refresh] -

Any Way,

Aww, That’s kind of nice the friendship and reliance the dude has on Other- Half - Yes ‘Boss Leoni’ when someone gets tox you leave- - In a - relation ship-

Also yeah he’s definitely not ‘Boss Leoni’ - He would’ve stayed and tried to take the tox

(Aka Jar-jar is less ena- bling, les- tox- And Doesn’t Take It For Much More. Than He Has To,

(He’s les -s

Dyfun. -c)

Okay

Good Job - Also - yeah how’d you manage that - That-

Didn’t get car ried up the chain of com- mand- - Then again Gri- evous has shown to be a pretty shit boss. - So I can’t blame these guys for being like yeah compl- ete stranger I will totally take a nap -right ,now- - You kinda have sticks- - [The rain is really nice,]

[is this the first time we’ve seen them use active particle effects for the camera?

Either way it’s really nice -

Oh,

They’re

electric sticks,

That makes sense

[- bet ter for Figh t- In- g-

Stop one 1v1 -ing- It

W-h

Again this is what happens when you 1v1 it and don’t assume accountability- - -

[Don’t fight a metal cyborg with metal sticks when you’re not prepared to take it, full way,)

I-

[I feel like this is supposed to be some big build up but they only shared like one scene where dude was completely silent,]

Like,

Sacr-ifice

Die to take someone out with you

[Great

Now

Ouch]

Are they actually going to kill off grievous because this isn’t look-ing too - good - Shit-

Dude- is still not dead- - How? - Whelp- - Oh, hey where the fuck did you come from,

I- Ack. Br-u- Tal

W-el

- Un - M - Plan-

“ damn it he messed up the script-, -Pal - patine

Cap-

Prison break-

Also yeah that’s probably like a vacation for him-

Given how toxic these assholes are - Ex- change - Damn Ship per-

Also screw the 150 or how many other sena -tors - Only Amidala - matters - A- ight- - Also, dude knows where everyone’s lair, Is,

Like he pissed off Grievous with -his

Now he’s just chilling in this dude’s sipping earl gray Or- Some Shit-

Him

Okay

Getting a little ahead of yourself episode- - O k

Hearing this, Skywalker doesn’t immediately run back shout -ing nope- - - Because, to my knowledge the speaking at room volume,

Not whispering and the distance isn’t enough to -explain it - Ai - - Wel- - There goes one min-ion- - Droids are apparently expensive enough to chastise Grievous �� over-

But sen-tient - beings are a dime’ a ‘dozen-

(Also gaslighter’s. don’t give a shit about you dear, God,

The Painful dramatic- irony-

*tra- gic- Wh- -Oa

Ai - Ri-

Wh- -elp,

You know if it wasn’t for the exposure earl- ier

I would assume they would think that the Jedi was just killing all their Im-por- tant- elected officials

Why?

Wh-at

He’s right. - But dude- that’s pretty ham fisted-

I mean-

How many episodes (and possibly seasons-) do we have to go- - - Anakin- is a dick to lanterns- - Also the random theme of the bots- coming out of nowhere- continues- - St -op- - Wh- elp-

? (He live?)

I-

Good Play-

Ah-

To-

Oh, yeah, He’s alive we’re not going to bring that up in any mention-able way?

Ike

Wh e l- p

Oh - That was -nice-

You deceived everyone and lied to all our people, you’ll make a great leader,

Or a great council/ committee leader considering that they do have an open position , Best

I like that they had one bad ass fall and had it replace-d by Dooku being particularly bad-ass - In his place-

In the trade off near the end really speaks to the frag-ility of war

I thought-

It was pretty al-right Though it really did seem like - they were trying to build up to something but the structure unfortunately just didn’t support it,

Which is unfortunate because they do seem like bits- that could’ve been nice

Like Jar-jar being a constant peacekeeper-

The underwater nations-

Wars be- tween - Those Dude’s

And that general guy - Who seems to be like he was supposed to be this - really big deal

[probably intended to do something massive in the previous arcs,]

But, here, all he did was that one scene,

[Would’ve worked better if he was like this Re- Public Gen- Er Al-

To the shark guy-

And Akbar,

Was just like the resident enforcer-

Or something to do with the prince

I think it would’ve really worked better with the concept of ‘being taken’ under, As well that possibly being a good contrast between Jar Jar binks And Char- If Jar- jar got promoted- With Char being eager at first but then realizing he just can’t- And Jar- Jar being reluctant at first but realizing he can-

[Note; assumed authority is bad, Just- some people are better at using it for venting than others)

Nope boomers vs throw- it-back, boom-

I-

And it really did feel like this episode -should’ve been the split one

Nearing the end- it started to feel like the 1st- part of a second ep-

Which is fine

Just cut- of-

Episode all around being al-right, with just several parts that didn’t make quite sense including the emphasis on the general for that one scene,

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mischiefandspirits · 4 years ago

Text

Doppelgänger (7/?)

Previously on Doppelgänger ~ Masterlist ~ Next time on Doppelgänger

Danny, Sam, and Tucker were just 14 when they took a look inside the portal Danny’s parents had built. From there, everything changed. They woke up with white hair, green skin, and powers they could learn to control. They were hybrids, halfas.

They were the hero Doppelgänger.

{Public Enemies, Part 2}

“Okay, listen up!” Dash’s voice said and Danny followed it to a science lab. He peeked inside to see a bunch of students and school faculty watching as Dash continued, “Is everybody clear with the plan?”

“Yes, yes, it should all go down tomorrow after the town meeting,” Paulina said.

“Meeting?” Danny transformed then stepped in. “What town meeting?”

The group all turned to him with frowns.

Suddenly the door slammed behind him and he turned to see Kwan glaring at him.

“I’ve seen this one hanging around the girl. They’re dating.”

“Girl? Dating?”

Dash grabbed him, then Dash was falling to the ground and a white ghost was holding him.

“Walker!” Danny said without thinking.

“Oh, you know me?” the warden asked, leaning closer with a smirk. “You might just be the most useful one yet.”

“Useful?” Danny looked over the ghost’s shoulder and blanched as he saw the horde smirking at him with glowing eyes. “Oh no, you do not want to overshadow me, trust me. The last guy who did that did not enjoy it anywhere near as much as he thought he would.”

“We’ll see about that,” Walker said and dove into him before he could react.

A presence, pushing, pressing, trying to force him out. Out. OUT! GET OUT!

Danny snapped back into reality to find himself kneeling on the ground. He looked up and was relieved to see it was Walker sitting in front of him instead of himself. “Ha! Poindexter is better at possession than you!”

“How?” the warden growled, looking up.

“Dude, my family’s been ghost hunters for centuries. You think we haven’t built up an immunity to possession?” he lied.

Although, he supposed it might not be a lie. They didn’t know for sure why possession didn’t work right on Danny since neither Sam nor Tucker had been overshadowed before. His dad had managed to throw off Vlad for a short time though so maybe there was something in the Fenton genes.

Oh well, something to consider another time. “Now if you’ll excuse me…”

Danny ducked under Kwan’s grab and rushed out the door. He heard the overshadowed people take chase and let a little ghost strength and speed slip through. He glanced over his shoulder and grabbed a pistol out of the fold when he was sure no one was looking. Kwan had said girl, so they thought Sam was Doppelgänger. The longer they thought that, the longer the trio could use it to their advantage.

Danny hissed as something slammed him into the lockers.

Though, if it came down to giving up the ghost or dying, Danny’d transform.

He shot Lancer with the gun, knocking him out the window. He flinched as he took off running again, hoping his teacher couldn’t feel that.

“Gotta get away long enough to disappear.”

Ishiyama and Paulina dropped down in front of him and he fired on instinct. Paulina dodged, but the principal went flying.

“You can't get away from me!” the popular girl growled and Danny was hit by both her fist and the irony.

“Wow. I waited all of puberty for a girl to say that to me and now it's a complete bummer,” he groaned, rolling away from her grab and rubbing his jaw.

She snarled and made another grab, only for a blast of pink to throw her back.

Suddenly a hand was pulling Danny to his feet and dragging him down the hall. “Let’s go, before more of them come.”

Danny’s eyes widened as he realized Valerie had just come to his rescue. Where was this helpful attitude when you were trying to blow me out of the sky last week?

“Watch out!” Danny jerked them to a stop just in time to miss a grab from his history teacher, who flew past them and out a window as a result.

“Thanks,” she said.

“Thank you. I don’t think I would have lasted this long on my own,” he shot back as they both fired on the science teacher. “Nice gear, looks familiar,” he added as he saw the gun she was holding.

It was exactly the same as his, but with pink detailing.

“Nice aim. I didn’t think you were into this stuff,” she said as they ran down the stairs.

Danny shrugged and ducked a grab from Dash. “I’m not obsessed like my parents, but you can’t exactly live with them without knowing at least a little about how to fight a ghost.”

The two made it out of the school and Valerie summoned her board. “Get on. I can take you to your house.”

“Thanks, Valerie.” He climbed on and knelt down so he could watch their back.

The board jolted. “What? Who’s Valerie.”

Oops. “I-I just meant…” He glanced up and sighed. “You do realize you don’t change your voice at all in the suit, right?”

She cursed and dove around a cheerleader Danny didn’t recognize.

“It’s fine, I won’t tell anyone. I mean, Sam and Tucker already know, but they won’t tell anyone either. Promise.”

“Thanks.”

“You wouldn’t mind telling me where you got all this stuff, would you? Some of it looks like Fenton tech,” Danny said, shooting Dash out of the sky.

“It’s not stolen.”

“Didn’t say it was. My parents do sell their stuff. I just didn’t think anyone in town bought it before today.”

“I have a benefactor. They’re worried about the ghosts.”

“I mean entirely no offense given the circumstances, but they thought a teenager was the person for the job?”

“I didn’t ask, for obvious reasons.”

“That’s fair.”

“What were you doing in the school anyways? I thought everyone had evacuated.”

“I did too. That’s why I thought it was safe to go grab something I’d forgotten in my locker.”

“Clearly you were wrong.”

“Clearly,” Danny snorted and used a lull in attacks to pull out his phone. He texted Jazz, telling her to turn on the ghost shield. “The ghosts were using the school as a gathering point. Apparently they’re planning to do something at a town meeting tomorrow. I overheard them plotting, hence the trying to kill me thing.”

“Noted. I bet that ghost kid is part of this.”

“You mean Doppelgänger?”

“Doppelgänger?”

“White hair, green skin, androgynous?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, that’s Doppelgänger. They’re the one the ghosts are after. Not sure how they think trashing the town and overshadowing half the school is supposed to help.”

“Why are they looking for him?”

“Them. Androgynous, remember.” The trio had decided to just use gender-neutral pronouns for all their sakes. “And no clue.”

Valerie turned a corner, then slowed down at the sight of the shield.

“It’s fine, it will only stop ghosts.”

She nodded and flew through.

Once they landed, Danny turned to her with a smile. “Thanks again.”

He couldn’t see her face through the mask, but he could hear a smile in her voice. “No problem. Try to be more careful.”

“You too. And hey, if you need any help with your gear, just ask. I know my way around quite a bit of it thanks to my parents.” It’d also give him and his partners an idea of her arsenal.

“I might take you up on that. You’re… not so bad, Fenton.”

He smirked. “You’re not so bad yourself, Gray.”

She shook her head with a laugh. “You could use some work on your form. If-if you want, we can train together sometime. I have a black belt, so I could teach you a few things. I mean, unless you think your girlfriend would object. I don’t want to cause trouble.”

Danny groaned. “Sam and I are queerplatonic. Same with Tucker. No romance involved.”

“Oh, cool.”

Danny blinked. Did she sound… happier?

“So, training?”

“Uh, sure.” It would make Jazz stop bugging him about spending more time away from his partners. And he’d get to see what Valerie was capable of while learning new fighting techniques. “I mean, yeah, that sounds great. Thanks, Valerie.”

They swapped phone numbers and agreed to meet up Sunday afternoon as long as the ghosts didn’t cause a problem.

“Why did you want the ghost shield on?” Jazz asked when he came in.

“Ghosts were chasing me.”

“You okay?” Jazz said, looking him over.

“Fine. I need to call Sam and Tucker.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ghost kid!”

The trio froze and turned as Valerie flew towards them. Sam and Tucker got into defensive positions, but Danny tugged them back. “What do you want? You here to blame us too?”

“For once, no. I know the mayor’s overshadowed. I ran into a pack of overshadowed people last night saving someone so I was looking for the signs. I also found out they’re here for you. So spill. What’d you do to tick them all off?”

Danny scrunched down slightly as his partners went through his memories of the night before. He hadn’t actually told them about his meetup with Valerie.

We’re talking about this later. “Their leader, Walker, runs a jail in the Ghost Zone.”

“Are you a fugitive?” Her hand twitched towards her gun.

“Only because anything and everything is illegal in Walker’s book. The zone’s laws only apply lair to lair from what we’ve been told. Walker just likes to enforce his own laws on the entirety of the zone because all he cares about is locking people up. He’s a menace. We were locked up for duplicating. That’s pretty much our thing! And we were in someone’s private lair. He literally wrote a rule against duplication into his book right in front of us as we were being arrested for it! He didn’t have any right to lock us up! So yeah, we broke out. Now he’s turning the town against us as punishment or something.”

She looked between them.

“Look,” they said as Danny floated closer, hands up in a sign of goodwill. “You don’t have to believe us, but will you at least help us free the people they’ve overshadowed and get them back to the zone.”

“Fine. I’ll agree to a truce, for now.” She crossed her arms and looked them over again. “You know, the talking together thing is really creepy.”

They shrugged. “We can’t help it. We’ve tried.”

“Do you have to be split up?”

“We’re stronger this way, and there’s a lot of ghosts. Three’s better than one.”

“That’s true. So what’s your plan?”

“We can get the ghosts out of people by pulling them out or using a low energy blast.”

“You want to fire on random people and hope they’re overshadowed,” she deadpanned.

The three shared a look. “She’s got a point. It’s faster that way though and a blast like that wouldn’t hurt anyone. We’re trying to convince them we’re here to help. We don’t think they’d see it that way if we’re attacking people.” They turned back to Valerie. “We can get the ghosts out by pulling them out of people.”

She pointed between them. “Did you just have a fight with yourself?”

“Ever hear of talking aloud to work through a problem?” Danny elbowed Sam. “Can your suit detect people who are overshadowed? Human bodies block our ghost sense.”

“I don’t know. I can try when we get to the town hall.”

“Alright, so we’ll work on getting the ghosts out, and then you can knock them down. Agreed?”

“Fine. Just know, as soon as this is over I’m knocking you down too.”

They nodded and the four shot towards the town hall.

Danny grabbed Valerie and phased her through the ceiling so they could hover over the crowd invisibly.

“Order! Order!” the mayor was yelling and everyone quieted down. “All in favor of declaring martial law, and allowing the completely competent Jack Fenton to mobilize a massive ghost hunt, please say-”

“We… might be too young to vote, but we’re casting one anyway!” they said as Sam turned visible.

The crowd panicked.

“You people have to listen to us. We’re on your side.”

“You're not fooling anybody, ghost kid! You are going down!” Danny’s dad yelled, brandishing the still tangled fisher. “As soon as I untangle this thing!”

“I’ve got the mayor on my scanner, but I’m having problems scanning the crowd,” Valerie said.

“The Fentons?”

“No, they’re clean.”

“That’s bad.”

“Why?”

“Maddie Fenton’s a good shot.”

Sam dropped to the ground as Danny’s mom fired at her. A moment later the ghost girl was dragged through the floor.

The three followed to see the horde from before all standing over Sam, with the mayor leading the charge.

“Walker! I should've guessed you'd end up in the guy that makes the rules!”

“Shouldn't you be running?”

Sam looked up as Danny, Tucker, and Valerie turned visible. “Shouldn't you?”

Danny passed Valerie his thermos then the trio launched themselves at the ghosts. Knocking them free with punches and blasts while Valerie vacuumed them up.

Then Danny’s mom was there.

“I’ve got her,” Valerie said, tossing Tucker the thermos and intercepting the woman before she could blast one of the trio.

“Ghost!” she said, pointing the bazooka at her.

“Human,” Valerie countered, removing her glove to show her human skin. “A hunter, like you. Name’s… Red Huntress. The ghost kid’s working for me, for now. The mayor and a few others are overshadowed.”

“Ghosts can’t be trusted,” Maddie argued.

“I don’t trust them, but I’m willing to use them until we can solve the invasion.”

The woman hummed and looked to where the trio were freeing their classmates. “I don’t like it, but I see your point. You’re certain the mayor’s overshadowed?”

“Saw it for myself. He’s the leader and he’s got a grudge against Doppelgänger. The ghost kid. That’s why he was trying to get you and your husband to lead the charge against them specifically.”

Maddie nodded. “I don’t have anything on me to deal with possession.”

“Neither do I. That’s why I’m using them.”

Maddie considered her arsenal. “I’ll be back.”

She ran upstairs and grabbed Fenton Zapper. She was about to run back down when the mayor appeared, hauling the ghost kid with him.

“Let us go!”

“Not a chance.” He forced the kid’s arm around his shoulders then threw the front doors open. As Maddie ran closer, she heard him quietly say, “I’m making sure your prison is the town where you live.”

She aimed.

“Help. He-”

She fired and a large white ghost was knocked out of the mayor.

The ghost kid caught the mayor and lowered him to the ground carefully.

“You okay, Mayor Montez?” she asked as she ran up to their side.

“What happened?” he said, looking around.

“You were overshadowed by him,” she said, gesturing to the angry ghost floating in front of the town hall. She glanced at the ghost kid, who held up his -- her? -- hands and smiled awkwardly. “We’re just… going to go fight Walker now if that’s okay Mrs. Fenton.”

She glared at… them and turned to the white ghost, drawing the bazooka and firing.

“Or you can do that. That works too,” they said as the ghost disappeared into the mini-portal.

She turned back to find the ghost kid gone.

“Mrs. Fenton! Mrs. Fenton!” some reporters rushed up to her, waving cameras and microphones. “What just happened? Was the ghost kid really kidnapping the mayor?”

“Mayor Montez was possessed -- or overshadowed -- by a ghost attempting to frame the ghost kid for reasons we don’t yet know.”

She heard footsteps behind her and turned to see Red Huntress leading out a group of people.

“They’re all free, but the ghost kid took off while my back was turned,” she said, voice annoyed.

Maddie nodded and turned back to the reporters. “It seems we were wrong to think the ghost kid was leading the invasion, but they're still dangerous and we don’t know why they are here.”

“He saved me!” one of the teens shouted, flipping her hair over her shoulder and beaming as the cameras turned to her. “He’s totally a hero!”

“Yeah, she was awesome!” a blonde teen in a letterman’s jacket said as an Asian teen nodded along behind him. “You should have seen her blasting the ghosts out of us!

"It was like something out of a superhero movie! Awesome!”

Maddie tried to interject, but a few more teens joined in and the reporters turned all their focus on interviewing the victims.

“This won’t end well,” Red Huntress huffed and jumped into the air so a hoverboard could form underneath her. “It was cool working with you, Mrs. Fenton.”

“You as well.”

Valerie only made it out of sight of the town hall before she was stopped. Her hand settled on her pistol, but didn’t draw it. “You’re an idiot for sticking around.”

The ghost kid shrugged and rubbed their neck. “We just wanted to thank you for giving us a chance. And to apologize for what happened with your dad. We really are sorry we couldn’t stop Cujo before he reached the lab.”

“I thought the dog wasn’t yours.”

“He isn’t, technically, but someone has to keep him out of trouble and clearly no one else is going to do it so we kind of took him in after what happened to your dad. He’s actually really sweet when he’s not upset about being put down and losing his favorite toy.”

“Sure,” she said sarcastically. “Look, this was a one-time thing, understand. I just needed your help. I still don’t trust you.”

“We’ll just have to change your mind then.” They gave her a salute then disappeared.

She could have followed them with a scanner, but she let them get away. This time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam and Tucker were scowling when Danny met back up with them in Sam’s room. Head ducked, he landed and transformed. “So…”

“What were you thinking?” the two said.

“You know what I was thinking,” he sighed, dropping into a bat-shaped bean bag chair.

“She’s trying to kill us,” Sam growled.

“Exactly. If we can get her to realize we’re not the bad guys then that’s one less person after us.”

“It’s dangerous, dude,” Tucker said.

“I’ll be careful.”

“Uh-huh, sure.” Sam crossed her arms and stood over him. “Just remember you’re not the only one at risk here.”

“I know.” He stood up and hugged her. “Like I said, I’ll be careful.”

#danny phantom #valerie gray #public enemies #sam manson #tucker foley #Doppelgänger au

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lawgrain · 6 years ago

Text

Not Boyfriends (Phandom)

Fandom: Phandom (Dan and Phil)

Pairings: Take a random guess at it, I’m sure you’ll get it right.

Summary: This is actually a prompt fic. It goes something like this: “ Where a superhero has to deal with a super villain that thinks they're best friends.” I thought it’d be more fun to do boyfriends instead of best friends. This story has just been chilling out on my laptop (for at least a year), it’s kind of cheesy but I thought I’d post it.

***Those who follow me for Sanders Side, this is not that fandom but I’ll finish that fic up O.o

Story!

Phil's POV

“Put it down.”

“But honey!”

“Why do you insist upon being difficult?”

“Darling, I was getting it for you. I thought it'd be special.”

“For the last time. We. Are. NOT. Dating.”

Phil put his head in his hands out of exasperation. Normally it's a dangerous idea to break eye contact with the enemy but this was a special case.

This was Phantom Dove.

Phil hates him. Primarily because he decided to spend his time pretending Phil was his lover and they most certainly were not.

“Gasp! Are you breaking up with me?”

“Did you actually just say ‘gasp’? And no I'm not breaking up with you because we were never together!” Phil didn't know why he even humors the man.

“Oh good so you're not breaking up with me. And the gasp was for irony so you can't say anything.” Phantom smiled innocently, completely ignoring the latter part of Phil's statement.

They could honestly go all day if Phil didn't put an end to this.

“Just put the jewels down and we’ll get you to the police.”

“Really? Has that ever worked with me before?” Phantom’s voice laced with sarcasm because no, it had not worked. Ever.

“Fine. Shall you start or me?”

“Awe, you know I’d never throw the first punch, love.”

And just like that, they were off. Phil threw a powered punch straight towards Phantoms head. He dodged leaving just barely a space between his nose and Phil's fist. He shot a light beam with his other hand. Again Phantom dodged. Phil heard a shattering of glass behind them where his attack must have landed. He didn't hesitate at the sound and barreled forward with a kick aimed towards his side. This time it landed, shoving Phantom to the floor.

Quickly, the other got up. “You got one in, babe! You're getting so good at thi–” Phil cut him of with lasers streaming from his eyes. And no, not figuratively. Phantom jumped to the other side of the room ten feet away. Phil always hated when he did that. He liked playing a game of cat and mouse where Phil would have to guess where he'd be next.

Phil wasn't having that today. He flew forward, eyes lit up and ready to attack. He got a hold of Phantom and pinned him in the wall a few feet above the ground.

“Oh darling, I didn't know we were going to play kinky today.” He smiled. “Want me to call you daddy?”

Phil sputtered in shock. He wanted to kill Phantom right now. Taking advantage of Phil's hesitation, Phantom electrocuted him.

Phil didn't even see how he did it. Usually the man had to touch his hands to Phil in order to shock him but Phil thought he had the other securely pinned.

That didn't matter now as Phil laid on the floor with an approaching super villain.

“Wow, I hope that didn't hurt too much.” He leaned down and inserted something in Phil's arm. “Don't worry about this. It's just a thing I made that'll keep you still long enough for me to get out of here.” He pulled back and saw what must've been the syringe he put in his arm.

The thief continued to raid the place for more priceless items while Phil was unable to move a muscle. Before long, sirens could be heard in the distance.

“That's my que! I'd tell you when that stuff wears off, but considering your super healing, I don't actually know. Feel free to tell me later. Bye love!”

And then Phantom was gone. The police lost him and by the time Phil was able to move, it was much too late. He had disappeared like a ghost.

After speaking to the police, Phil was finally able to hang up the cape for the night and focus on getting sleep for his day job. Somehow, masquerading as a vigilante in a mask didn't help him make a living. That's why during the day, he worked as a film editor for various companies and people. He liked working on small projects so he could stay at home.

Once he'd considered becoming part of the police force, but luckily his common sense kicked in and he realized that would be too strenuous to keep up when he went out every night. He much preferred the decision he made. He got to put away his false sense of seriousness and be an actual person with friends.

When Phil was younger he couldn't say he had much of a social life. He was awkward and majorly confused at why he could fly and others could not. Later it became known that superpowers were a thing. Sadly, the world found out because of a super villain, but Phil supposed that was how he became the world's first superhero.

Surprisingly, the world wasn't complaining. Not about Phil at least. He knew that the lack of hatred was due mostly to how much crime had gone down in his city. Phil always caught the bad guy and not many with superpowered people were psychotic. The few that were caused unrest and Phil made sure to stop them as quickly as possible.

The only one Phil couldn't seem to catch was Phantom. It was ridiculous that a villain that took nothing seriously could always best Phil. It wasn't like the man was a top priority, but he still irked Phil. Most people had some sort of reason for crime but Phantom Dove made it look like a hobby. No motive, no purpose, just a thing to do. And that made him unpredictable. He lived up to the name Phantom. The man couldn't be found or tracked. He simply appeared for the heck of it and disappeared when things got tough.

Phil couldn’t wait to catch him. He couldn't wait to finally put a name on the obnoxious man. And he certainly couldn't wait to put him in jail.

Dan's POV

Fighting was a fucking bitch.

Dan should've been quicker. Should've dodged that kick better. If there was one thing he envied about Light Knight was his super healing abilities. Actually Dan would be happy with any superpowers.

Oh yeah, that's the real ringer isn't it? The super villain of the city isn't super at all. Not that Dan would sell himself short. His genius inventions had somehow tricked everyone that he was super. Even the city's superhero thought so.

Although that came with some downsides. For example, the hero never held back on Dan. Meaning he always came home with cuts and bruises and today he had a really bad bruise on his ribs. While his suit could absorb the brunt of any blow, he was pretty sure the surrounding neighbors thought he was abused.

Dan had tried stalling the man after that particular attack, but was certain the hero was too focused on winning to hear the strain in his voice. It didn't matter in the end. Dan had won and left with a lot more money than he came in with.

That wasn't the real prize though. No, the real prize was the Light Knight. Dan had been utterly paranoid about the man. He felt unsettled that he could be anybody on the streets and he'd have no idea. Dan set out to fix this and put a tracker on him while he was paralyzed.

Sure there were some ethical things being broken here, but Dan wanted to feel safe. So what if that involved violating someone's privacy? Then again Dan could've picked a less dangerous occupation if he wanted security.

Too late now.

Taking some pain medication, Dan took to looking at where the tracker was. Needless to say, he was beyond relieved to find out the hero wasn't a neighbor. That was somehow a worse case scenario to Dan. But it wasn't to be because when the man had settled for the night, he was not in Dan's area.

This brought Dan to phase two. He wanted to know the man's name. For others this would be hard but something tells him that no one knows of his side hobby: hacking.

He knows that his life decisions were morally ambiguous, but fuck society.

He had actually picked up the hobby as a thing of boredom. He wanted access to things the internet simply refused to supply and Dan just wasn't okay with that. He didn't know at the time that he was going to become a criminal, but it certainly didn't hurt when he accessed Light Knight’s building security, traced the footage from when he entered the building and then to the when the man arrived at his flat. And it really helped when he searched for the homeowners name of said flat.

Philip Lester. A rather disappointing name in Dan's opinion.

He supposed it was alright but he was sort of hoping for better material to tease the man with. Dan was fully aware that he shouldn’t piss off a guy with powers, but he couldn't help it. When he put on his suit he could be anyone he wanted. And he wanted to tease the straight-laced grumpy hero who was apparently called “Phil”.

Phil was the first thing that gave him actual happiness in a long time. He had been in the middle of a more complicated heist when they had met. Honestly, it wasn't extremely complicated other than the fact that Dan was apparently working with idiots. One of which would've gotten Dan killed, accidentally knocking him from the roof of a building, if it weren't for Light Knight catching him. For that reason, Dan wasn't even upset that his temporary partners were caught. In fact, it gave Dan the chance to sneak away.

After he started engaging with the hero as much as possible. Dan had never met a man that would give a criminal a second thought— someone who would save a criminal. He was used to people who shoot first and asked questions later. Once he'd gotten to know the hero more, Dan found himself enjoying their banter and quick quips. It got to the point where Dan thought they had a sort of relationship.

And not a romantic one. He wasn't delusional. That type of bantering started when he found out how much it bothered Light Knight and only then did he start to use flirting at every turn. It was refreshing to be able to do things he'd never do with the mask off. As Phantom Dove he could be confident, flirty and silly. As Dan Howell he was just a quiet depressing loner. Given his options, Dan chose to go with the thrill of being Light Knight’s friendly enemy. The relationship wasn't necessarily a positive one... But if a rivalry was the only connection Dan could have with someone, he'd take it.

He doubted the hero genuinely hated him though. Believe it or not, Dan wasn't the only bad guy around. While he relied on technology for crime, others actually did have superpowers. They also had no qualms about killing others which Dan would never do. If it's destruction and theft, count Dan in, but if it's world domination and murder, he wants no part in the deal. He thinks Light Knight just is pissed that he can't catch Dan. Well that and Dan insists on making suggestive comments to him.

Plus there was that one time he went overboard and said Light Knight was his boyfriend on national tv. The next time they saw each other he received some bruises that lasted a month.

Worth it.

For now though, all Dan had on his mind was how he was going to use this information to get under Phil's skin. He wouldn't deal out the information to others but there was no way he wasn't going to have some fun with this.

He couldn't wait.

Chapter 2

#phanfiction #cheesy #what am I doing

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cezulian · 7 years ago

Note

Ok so how Patrick's parents react or even do when he hurts himself while playing with the gang? Anything like a bad bruise on his knee and stuff

I think it depends on how old he is at the time. When he’s a little younger his mother definitely coddles him and is the first to realize that he doesn’t feel pain the same way everyone else does, or at least doesn’t really mind it. Once he grows up a little bit (lets say, maybe he’s 10 or so, which is the age that children start cognitively understanding things like how lying can be manipulative and not just something done to get them out of trouble for something small) he starts to understand the value of faking his reactions for attention and exploiting his mother’s need to feel motherly. Its actually pretty easy for him to force tears out of himself if the need arises, but he can never seem to get the full reaction he desires because his mother is always calmer in making sure he’s alright, if that makes sense. Like if he falls off his bike and lands badly and decides to make a scene of it once he realizes he’s bleeding , his mother isn’t in hysterics. She just rushes over and calmly goes “alright, its alright” in her deep but feminine voice and takes him inside the house, bandages him up, and gets him some juice. She also lets him lay down in her bed when she’s feeling particularly saintly and when he falls asleep, she’ll lay down next to him and try to see if, looking at him, she can feel anything that isn’t a deep, simmering unease that she can’t quite pinpoint. He’s pretty bad with consistency at this point though, so if he’s “sleeping off” a nasty blow to the knee when he wakes up he’s basically forgotten about it and is up and around again.His father’s reactions are more based on Patrick’s reactions as well, but in the sense that he understands how hyperbolic Patrick is being and is more concerned with getting him to stop so that nobody thinks he and his wife are bad parents. He knows how Patrick is, on some level at least, because exaggeration and feigning emotion as a means to an end is part of his job, so he picks up on these things a little easier than his wife does, whose feelings are more vague. He gets very irritated, I suppose you could say. Obviously he also doesn’t want his son to be bleeding or anything, but he notices that Patrick’s tears come in response to injury with ever so slightly a delay, and not the kind of delay that one would come to expect when someone’s senses are merely taking the time to realize how much something hurts. Its more like he personally is taking the time to decide how much something should hurt, and then its just a matter of trying to shut him up before the neighbors hear. He believes his wife is far too emotional in her response (when really she isn’t, its him that raises his voice and gets angry quickly, she’s just softer in her approach). He always hopelessly tries to get Patrick to realize and learn from his mistakes and give him some big whatever about responsibility once they’ve both calmed down. He also tries to slip in a thing or two about how lying is wrong, failing to realize the irony in him doing so. These talks always involve Patrick saying “okay” over and over again and his father rehashing the same point over and over again until they both just sort of want to be done. The only time he’s ever seen a legitimate response to pain come out of Patrick was that day at the lake with the leeches, all accompanied by real tears. He was disturbed by how Patrick didn’t even seem to be responding to any kind of physical pain, but as he wailed and screamed had more the look in his eyes like he was some figure of biblical history looking straight into the eyes of god and not understanding what he sees. He doesn’t like to think about that day, that somehow his son might truly have a fear and one that goes to a place that his father doesn’t want to follow him down to, but he can’t deny that he does.As a teenager though, like he is in the movie’s canon? Reactions to his pain are much more understated. Patrick himself is more interested to see his mom still gasp the little she does and ask “what happened?” when she sees him coming home looking beat up from time to time. He doesn’t see the point in all that. He can take care of himself by that point (he has no choice) and most of the time will only hang around within his mother’s cone of sight long enough for her to see his injuries, and then he goes to his room, takes off his clothes and goes to bed for a time. What’s disconcerting to her is when he comes out in the morning with even more scrapes and bruises than she remembers because she knows its means he probably snuck out later in the evening and continued his reckless behavior with those Boys. Including that awful Bowers boy who is just such a rotten influence on him. His dad won’t even look up when Patrick goes into his office, hoping his dad will see him kind of beaten up and daring him to say anything about it. He wants his parents to feel confused by the causes of these injuries and to get some kind of response out of them. His mother is always more paranoid. Those scrapes, did he fall? Why did he fall? Was he just carless or was he running from something? Why is he bleeding like that? Was he attacked? Was he defending himself or one of those friends of his? She supposed its fine if he was defending himself, but if he put his safety on the line for the Bowers boy, she really would have to talk to him. Some of those are cuts! Why are there cuts? Cuts and...bite marks, some of them. Animal or human? She doesn’t know which would be worse. His father, though, always jumps to conclusions immediately and all at once and then doesn’t process them and generally tends to shut up and not give Patrick the attention he clearly wants, but sometimes he snaps and just starts yelling, asking Patrick if his goal is to end up dead and how uneasy it makes his mother to see him like that all the time, but Patrick thrives off of those moments of anger expressed in such a way and towards him because it displays a real insecurity his father has in how little control he and his mother have over Patrick and just how afraid of that they are, and he loves it. He wont go breaking any bones for it, but he loves it.

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craniumculverin · 7 years ago

Text

so many. just. so many thoughts on stuff in feast for a king. lots of theories, that sort of thing. based on both in-comic info and info gathered from kosmic’s blog, some of which is like a year old. so what with how he’s changed the story over time, some might be plain wrong now. idk. enjoy my mad ramblings.

how did knife know to use sign language with rome when rome’s confident that next to nobody knows he’s deaf? i doubt that’s something knife would have gleaned from rome’s heartbeat alone.

is rome sex repulsed? pretty sure he’s definitely aro and/or ace. he’s had repeated instances of being disgusted by bodily functions as well as sex. doesn’t seem to be general touch aversion as he’s cool with handholding and being all close to king while facing that queen worm. he was engaged to a woman but for what little we know about the relationship between him and penny it could have been a strategic/political engagement that rome and/or penny wasn’t okay with.

Plus kos has inferred that rome’s aro/ace throughout their blog via asks in a multitude of indirect ways, soooo...

at the time of good leadman trying to take perkons from his cell, meat body robots (aka the helpers) were already in use. this means celadon had already received her creepy robot body shell from the aiguilles since she is all of the helpers, in some fashion. what was it that made that union between triangle alien and powerful human family? when did this alliance start?

cross was created by the aiguilles - specifically randall and rembrandt. being the creators of both cross and meat body robots, is it possible the aiguilles knew/found out about/was actively a part of cross’s change to cash? rome was born a year after cash was “born”. is it possible rome is a sort’ve meat body robot/human hybrid based from aiguille DNA? from the few aiguilles we’ve seen besides rome, they’re not a particularly physically jacked family. they’re brains and money. maybe they treated him like an experiment, fiddled with his DNA a bit? maybe this resulted in his genetic “oddities” (deaf, pink hair, orange eyes)? they were hidden from the public eye in order to have rome appear more “aiguille-ish”.

according to rome cash was his childhood friend as well as training instructor. did relations change between the leadmans and aiguilles (good leadman wasn’t to keen on randall at least, and info from scissor-as-cash adds more to her not liking how her creators treated her) in that 500 years for rome’s family to allow this? was it a strategic/political sort of thing for the sake of appearances? or did rome have more of a connection to the leadmans than just that? maybe his similar physicality to good leadman (and thus crimson) isn’t just happenstance?

cash’s “mother” is just another meat body she uses at the same time (at least occasionally?) as her main meat body for the sake of keeping up the daughter facade. so it’s possible, at least for an AI, to control at least two bodies at once. if rome is a meat robot after some fashion, maybe he could somehow be controlled? or allow someone to experience things through him at least? good’s dealt with plenty of shit to cause anyone to just shutdown, but maybe he’s not being as un-attached as it appears? maybe evil mother can see and feel what good’s original body/mind is up to - but hitching a ride in someone else’s might be a different story. if rome is aro/ace that could tie in - good doesn’t strike me as a voyeurism kinda guy... or maybe he just lucked out, idk.

dang this one feels like i’m really grasping for straws, why’d rome have to stay my favorite and somehow get next to no background yet, dang.

“aiguille” means “needle” in french. “de fil en aiguille” is a french saying, literally translates to “from thread to needle” but basically means “little by little” or “one thing leading to another” - moving from one thing to another, step by step. curious, what with all the thread-like, highly story-significant worms all over the place. plus, dylan’s particular specialty of using her worms like thread to “sew” people up; dylan, who was raised/morphed(?) to have such specialized skills either by or influenced by antony aiguille. and there’s the part where the aiguilles likely had a huge part to play in the initial near-extinction of the mandragora worms...

also, “anguille” means “eel” in french and for the life of me i can’t stop writing that instead of aiguille ffs.

also also, speaking of mandragora worms - crimson’s a human/mandragora hybrid (mandragora born in a human body), born with the usual 2 mandragora eyes and then a third, freak defective heart. king canary’s also a hybrid, except a hydragora/mandragora one(however that works). i’m guessing the mandragora part won out, since that’s how it usually seems to go between the two species, but what does that mean exactly?

did/does canary have 3 hearts - 2 mandra, 1 hydra? if so, how does antony’s becoming a sort’ve heart when he “fused” with canary play into it all?

some heart was used to fuel the creation of that meat pod and celadon (evident from that ugly turnip-ish looking thing amnesia!king pulled out of her finger) but which one was it?

my guess? which i suppose all of this is but still? it was the hydragora one. afterall it’s the hydragora worm kings that have the seeds, and king canary - if they (or evil mother as them) really did ever eat their father’s corpse - would be the sole worm in charge of the hekatonkheires (since they were made from one of his father’s seeds i think). it’d only make sense for any “seed information” to be stored in the corresponding species’ heart.

and it’d make everything waaaay easier for celadon if one of her bodies could control the main course of her eventual feast.

aeschylus has been “reborn” as a mandragora weed. weeds feed on worms, and he has amnesia to an extent - is he gonna be driven to kill worms now? did the weed do it’s job and make him forget about being a worm, or will he have some hang-ups about it? he remembers/is connected somehow with canary still... is that due to being knighted by king canary (who was actually evil mother att but w/e)?

if/when rome isn’t so ignorant about basically everything and more chill around non-humans - will he and aeschylus get along because yay killing worms? rome vaguely resembles leadman physically, and is kinda similarly empathetic - would aeschylus retain memories of him enough for that to affect how he sees rome? would being familiar with amnesia!king (who he'd remember because canary) give rome a leg up in case aeschylus remembers who killed his worm self?

aeschylus likely gets his name from an ancient greek actor that’s considered the father of tragedy - yay google for checking my spelling. anyway no one should be surprised when 2.0 weedman inevitably dies horribly. we all know kos enjoys doing it, lets not deny him that.

king canary’s body only has 8 seeds left according to antony. one was used to turn him into a worm heart-ish thing. evil mother likely used the other missing seed to create the mandragora weeds - which she planted inside aeschylus at some point while still piloting king canary’s body.

evil mother’s organization wants to wipe out humanity and is primarily comprised of hekatonkheires and hydragora worms - the worms that weeds eat. she also wanted almost desperately to revive her species. maybe having all those hydragoras in one place so to speak wasn’t simply utilizing a strong species...

could the disease she gave leadman be a sort of prototype of the weed? hm...

antony and dylan were doing experiments on worms, one of which was eventually aeschylus, the weed-bearing worm. one of those worms, licky, is/ends up being a weed. all/most of those worms had/have strange coloration for just common worms. antony claims he was close to curing aeschylus. were antony and dylan specifically experimenting with splicing/merging/whatever mandragora weeds with hydragora worms?

licky has some interesting patterns on their arms - kinda like a b-type hekaton’s. HMM.... more experimenting on antony’s part, or just an interesting subject? dylan couldn’t have been too involved, after all she didn’t know about hekatons.

it’s weird that king canary was alive but seemingly brain-dead before eating antony. could that be from worm/weed experimenting? could that explain king’s amnesia, that she was basically going through what we saw aeschylus 2.0 go through? ehh, feels like grasping at straws again...

and, to end on a different note...

mr. rotten’s original creator was randall, but the little guy didn’t get a franchise until relatively recent - like, 30ish(?) years before the present., about when fork was baby-kid age i think. so, who made mr. rotten into the franchise that it is?

my guess is rome and antony’s parent(s), or the third, unnamed aiguille brother. i could’ve sworn i remember seeing somewhere that rome was the eldest brother and antony was the youngest, leaving the unknown one to be the middlest brother, but i can’t find that info anywhere and i don’t feel like checking again.

anyway, my hope is that the unnamed third brother hasn’t shown up yet because he’s on wiggle world - being the guy in charge, or at least managing things. also he’s fat, like rembrandt. also maybe the least likely personality to be in charge of/ work at an amusement park moon based on a kid’s cartoon because he’s a no-nonsense, no-fun, business-minded butthead.

this is based on nothing but antony looking kinda like randall, rome’s weird, and there’s another bro that could look like rembrandt. except the last part, that’s just me being tickled by the irony of that character.

oh also, rembrandt - co-creator of the crosshatch unit, the most advanced AI ever, with a rather unique personality thanks to randall which rembrandt wasn’t too happy with. rock’s robot children/lackeys are known as rembots. where do the aiguilles fall on the HEEL/THUMB dichotomy, was that ever stated? hmm...

okay now i’m done, thanks for reading. if you didn’t, well

tl;dr - i think to much about a silly webcomic about worms.

#ffak #feast for a king #ramblings #rome aiguille #antony aiguille #you know what i'm not even gonna try for the rest #there's a lot and some of them are the same person #screw that #for now #kosmicdream

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lifestreamsblog · 7 years ago

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I Almost Married a Sociopath: The Time Together

It's funny how things work out Such a bitter irony Like a kick right to the teeth It fell apart right from the start But I couldn't even see the forest for the trees (I'm afraid you asked for this)

~Bring Me the Horizon - True Friends

This one’s long. Buckle up and get ready.

It began when I reached out to her in the dead of the Winter of 2015. She lived far away from me, but I never shunned long-distance friendships or relationships. She had just revealed her gender identity and desire to transition from male to female. I had spent a great deal of time with people over the years, helping and supporting them through these life journeys and thus, I had decided to do the same for my ex. From what I had seen of her, I got the impression that she was a very kind and loving person with a great deal of passion.

Things got off to a very solid start with our friendship; she was shy and reserved before she came out of the closet, but after that she talked almost non-stop. She seemed desperate for someone to let her out of herself and to encourage her down the paths in life she so desperately wanted to take. Thus, I felt as if the friendship was rooted in a very solid foundation and that the two of us would be happy together for a long time to come. We began to chat with each other every single night over messenger apps, deeply interested in our time spent with each other.

I admit I fell for her very quickly; it probably was a month or so after we became friends. She had told me very early on that she had no real interest in long-distance relationships and that she wasn’t even interested in getting together with someone else at the time, which I took very seriously. I was worried about my own feelings, so in the interest of full disclosure, I confessed almost right after I began feeling the way I did, telling her straight away that I was expecting total rejection and would be very happy if we could remain the best of friends.

This made her nervous, but at the same time, she also made it very clear to me that she did trust my intentions. I told her that if she ever had a change of heart about me, she could be the one to let me know and we could make any decisions from there; I made it clear that I never wanted to be any less than her best friend, but that I was always open to be more than that. This conversation led to some stress, but it ebbed quickly and our friendship continued, becoming even stronger in the wake of this matter.

Things actually began to move really quickly from there. True to my word, I let her advance everything, although I did attempt to encourage her about a great many things that were going on in her own heart a lot of the time. She began to open up to me with stories about her own family history and her friends, both past and present. This was where I first began to hear about all the abuse she had suffered over the years: a neglectful father who never cared for a single thing she ever said or a single way she felt...and an overbearing mother who made it very clear to her that her brother was the favourite and that she was expected to do as she was told. Friends she called “shallow;” people who were concerned more about social life and appearances than they were her or their own friendships.

I was fool enough to believe these stories, not even considering for one moment that any of them may be blatant lies designed to garner my sympathy. I am an extremely empathetic person by nature and have a very easy time connecting to others emotionally, so I did what anyone who has a nature like that would do: I listened constantly to every single thing she said, hanging off of every bit of her story. In response, I offered heartfelt love, compassion and a desire to show her that I was no socialite; my interest in her, her feelings and her desires was very, very real.

And so it went, for months and months as Winter turned into Spring and then into Summer.

I should add some stuff about myself and how much of myself I let out to my ex for a good portion of our relationship, since it’s truly important to what comes next. I struggle with a terrible guilt complex that I have tried desperately to overcome; this is in addition to chronic anxiety and depression, which lead me to internalise any hateful or abusive things others in my life say to me. I am also anorexic and have related health concerns, including physical weakness and poor physical endurance even for the most mundane of tasks. Due to my challenges, I have essentially been forced into the NEET lifestyle and am good for little else outside of being a housewife who can manage affairs at home (I make a very good manager, so there is that). Thus, I need--and am grateful for--people in my life who care for me.

My ex did a great deal of the talking in our relationship and I ended up not letting out a lot of my own feelings to her early on, spending most of my time listening to her instead and letting her out of herself, which she so desperately needed (or rather, told me she needed). This was basically for two reasons: the first reason was that she had so much going on in her own life and I didn’t want to burden her with my challenges (my guilt complex always rears its ugly head in these cases), while the second reason had to do with us not being close enough yet for me to be sure I could trust her with my own situation.

My own feelings really began to blossom throughout all of this time and I began to notice that she also became more and more attached to me as time went on. Eventually, she let it out of the bag that she had feelings for me, although she was nervous and unwilling to get involved with me, especially since she saw me as very unstable, emotionally. When she said this, I took it to mean that she had noticed the girl behind my smile and generally cheerful demeanour, which actually made me really happy, as I was certain this meant she would be ready to hear some of my own concerns.

Less than a year later, I would learn how tragically wrong this interpretation of her feelings was. However, at this time, I began to talk with my ex a great deal throughout each and every day instead of just seeing each other in the evening when we were both done with our daily lives. It wasn’t very long before things really began to get very intimate, both emotionally and physically (even though we were limited by typed actions in messenger apps). I eventually asked her one night, “we don’t really feel much like friends any more, do we? Are we dating?”

She answered “yes, we are dating.” And thus began some of the happiest times I’d had in years.

I began opening up to her slowly from that point forward, telling her bits and pieces about my own past, as well as my own struggles. We began to call each other every single day, sometimes several times a day. I began to help her with her schoolwork (she was going to grad school for a Ph.D in geochemistry at the time) and we got closer and closer. As I revealed more and more to her, we began to have fights from time to time. We called them “hurdles” and always spent a great deal of time talking them over. Many of them would happen whenever I would come to her with my concerns and feelings of despondency, but I never put two and two together; while I left each struggle feeling as if we’d become closer, she left each and every struggle with more ammunition for “sob stories” she’d tell her echo chamber after dumping me.

Not even beginning to think that she was extremely selfish and fighting with me over my challenges because she wanted to be the one being paid sole attention to, I kept on carrying on. She continued to draw me in by responding to me with her own desires to take care of me both financially and emotionally. I was so scared to ask for any of this and I didn’t even ask, since she openly offered (to the point of pushing) financial and emotional support. She would say things like, “you need to tell me your feelings!” and “you need to let me give you money when you need it!”

When you’re so emotionally fragile and accustomed to people abusing and taking advantage of you, it’s not even possible to notice when someone is using reverse-psychology like this to control and use you emotionally. I accepted her offer...and then she proposed to me.

Things became a whirlwind from here. She had decided (with my encouragement) to change from a doctoral track to a masters track and was set to pick a place she wanted to live and begin her life in half a year. To say that things were moving quickly is an understatement, but I had begun to trust her so deeply due to her expressing interest in my desires and wishes for our future that I went along with everything, doing all I could to accomodate her. She decided she wanted to move out and live where I was at, getting a teaching job instead of further pursuing a doctorate later on.

In all of this time, she gave me money, offered me a great deal of her own time and openly begged me to let my feelings out to her. She came out to visit me where I lived, we made love for the first time in person (anything before had been cybersex or phone sex) and I felt as if nothing could go wrong.

It wasn’t until I went to visit her for the first time where she lived that I learned that I was so very wrong.

Things went south rapidly. The fights we had began to increase in intensity and she began to seem very uncomfortable about the idea of leaving abusive people in her past, where they belonged. I encouraged her daily--sometimes several times a day--to put her mind on beginning the new life she so desperately wanted.

The fights got really bad and at one point, even involved her roommate, who had done some terrible and illegal things to my ex over the time they’d lived together (I won’t say more than this because even after all my ex has done to me, I’m not interested in ruining her life). At one point, I screamed at her roommate, telling her that what she was doing was putting my ex’s future in jeopardy and that she only cared about herself. I also confronted some of her colleagues at grad school who spent a lot of time ignoring her and treating her like crap.

I was the only one standing up for anybody at that point, as she would side with her friends behind my back on every single issue. I didn’t realise it at the time, but she began drawing a narrative in her head about how me encouraging her to begin her new life (that she had requested, proposed to me for and began arranging without me putting any pressure on her) was me not caring about what she truly wanted: to be with her abusive, unempathetic friends, neglectful father and overbearing mother. The fights kept on increasing in intensity and began to reflect what I had begun to notice: she wasn’t interested in anything but her own feelings and her own fears. She projected all of these things onto me all the while.

I began to want to leave. On several occasions I said this to her. However, I always stayed, wanting to believe that she wasn’t doing anything behind my back and that I needed to trust what I thought her and I were building together.

It was the most foolish decision of my life.

It all came to a head one day. I had asked her to take out the trash before going to grad school the next day, because it was full. When I woke up, the trash was buzzing with flies and generally looking and smelling gross. I took it out, furious that she didn’t seem to care about even the simplest requests I made of her. I confronted her when she got home about this and she used it as a reason to begin talking to me about separating. She painted it as ironic; that it was strange that she suddenly had begun to worry about this. It wasn’t until months later that I would learn that she was wanting to do this to me all along.

Two and a half hours later, I was at the airport, ready to fly home on her dime. She had dumped me, told me she never wanted to see me again and that it was all because she didn’t want any of this after all. I felt used, abused, neglected and completely thrown away. And due to my guilt complex, I thought it was all my fault. Maybe I should have never opened up to her. Maybe I never did enough for her. Maybe I should have just been quiet and let her let out to me forever and ever without ever opening up to her.

Maybe I was the jerk she told me she thought I was during our final fight.

It wouldn’t be until months later that I finally processed all this and realised she was a sadistic sociopath who wanted nothing more than to take me for a ride, just like so many others.

As I boarded the plane and we taxied down the runway, I broke out into deep, lonely, painful and unbearable sobs, earning the sympathetic glance of the man sitting across the aisle from me as we flew into the sky.

And thus, the aftermath of the whole messy ordeal began.

#abuse #pain #ex #lesbian #sociopath #projection #self-hatred #self-abuse #suicide #blog

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klause-spickins · 7 years ago

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Journal Entry #2

Just got off of work doing a bit of overtime. It was a little relieving just keeping myself occupied, doing something productive. My mood hasn’t improved much though. Nothing’s changed. Time seems to be going by so slow, one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of summer. A couple days ago was my old friend Kameron’s birthday, but I didn’t wish him a happy birthday. I feel bad for letting it get by me. Next year I’ll be sure to send him a present. He just reached out to me yesterday though. Says he wants to be a rapper. Commitment is not a strong suit of his, but I’ll admit he’s got good rhyme and rhythm when’s he messing around. He’s a good guy, but he’s got his fair share of issues. But I guess I sympathize him in a way. I haven’t asked him yet if he’s still seeing Lucia. I hope he isn’t. She’s not exactly girlfriend material. To think I spent so much time with the both of them… but that’s a story for another time. The new Game of Thrones season just started. I don’t have HBO so I’ll have to watch it sometime tomorrow if I can. My girlfriend is coming back to town on Monday. I don’t know how I’ll be when I’m around her again. I’ve already expressed to her that I’ve been pretty depressed and mad while she’s been away. She doesn’t know why though. Not exactly. I can’t bring myself to tell her the real reason. All I told her was that I’ve just been rethinking (and almost reliving) everything that’s happened to us these past two years. So… I think I’ll put it all out here. It all started freshman year of college. I first met her in a school orientation group. One day she decided to sit next to me. I noticed she had a Star Wars t-shirt on, so correctly assuming, she was a bit of a nerd. We kicked it off fairly quickly. She would invite me over to her dorm, and we would just hang out and watch Netflix (without the chill). One day I come over to her place and I notice she had some peculiar bruise-like marks on her neck. Being 17 at the time and somehow went through my entire life not knowing what a hickey was, I thought that some some bad shit went down on her. But I never thought to ask her what happened. Apparently, she had hooked up with a boy she liked from L.A.. But what she thought would be the beginning of a new relationship for her, just turned out to be a meaningless one night stand. The boy didn’t talk to her again. I started getting romantically involved with this girl only a couple weeks later. And I don’t find out about the other boy until months later into our relationship. I was so stupid and naive that it fucks with me to this day. And it doesn’t help that I now work this this same boy at my job. But I must admit, those first few months of bliss that went by was exactly that; blissful and happy. For the first time in a very long time, I was happy. I was doing good in school, I had my very first real girlfriend. There were… a lot of first times that were done in those few months. It just saddens me that in reality our relationship didn’t exactly start off genuine. I knew deep down that things were just too good to be true. And it didn’t help things at all when I went back home to San Diego over the Thanksgiving holiday. Because that’s when I saw Lucia again. The start of the shit storm that became of that year. Lucia was the very last person from my high school to see me off for college. I remember being in the car with her after her folks gave me a ride home. She hugged me and wouldn’t let go. She even started tearing up a little. I didn’t believe she would actually miss me that much. And when I saw her again after that night, something in my head just clicked. “I still love you”. Because you see, I had a huge unhealthy crush on Lucia ever since the 9th grade. And I was never able to truly let her know that. I was a pretty reserved kid in high school. I had no “game” whatsoever. I wasn’t rich, I wasn’t really funny, I wasn’t outgoing all the time, and I wouldn’t kiss another girl up until my senior year. Oh and also, (if it wasn’t obvious already) I had never had sex before. Now granted, not having sex in high school didn’t bother me that much. In fact, I made it a rule to myself to do exactly that; not have sex in high school. But did I at least want to date? Have a cute romantic relationship with a girl? Hell yes! Hugs, kisses, cuddles, and I would’ve been solid. I wasn’t looking for anything remotely sexual. I mean, the temptation was there of course, but controlling urges has been something I’ve been dealing with all my life. But being in a relationship never came to be (technically). But anyway, something was just different on that day when I saw Lucia. I can’t really explain it. Maybe it was just past feelings resurfacing after being bottled up for so long, that’s the best guess I got. She didn’t even do anything. She wasn’t wearing anything provocative. She wasn’t looking at me a certain kind of way (I don’t think, I was never good at picking up social queues). It was just her. My friend. And I started to have feelings for her again, I could feel it again in my heart. But that’s when I knew I had to do something about it. I couldn’t just shove down my feelings like I had been doing all these years. I needed to confess. But I couldn’t do it while I was dating my girl. If something happened that I couldn’t take back while I was with her, I could never forgive myself. So sure enough, I broke up with her. And she took it really, really, hard. Like I was in total disbelief as to how hard she was taking it. We had only been together for a few months at that point. And it wasn’t like I was her first boyfriend either. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t even her second, or her third… To say the least, I thought she would’ve been more adept at handling heartbreak. And I kept telling her that it was something I didn’t want to do, and that together or not, I would still be by her side. But from all the tears that were pouring down her face, I don’t think I was reaching her. So I had to leave her. The winter holidays are upon us at this point. I’m back in San Diego again with Lucia, and at a rec park, I finally told Lucia how I felt about her all these years. At the time, she was still having her on-again, off-again, toxic relationship with Kameron. So to put it bluntly, I wasn’t really taking him into consideration. I was expecting Lucia to be in shock about what I told her, and that she would try to turn me down as nicely as she could. But that’s not what happened. She wasn’t shocked. And she wasn’t trying to turn me down. She reciprocated her feelings back towards me. Apparently she liked me back this whole time. A huge spiral of emotions coming rushing at me. I remember shock, confusion, anger, relief, and lost. We both liked each other… this whole time??? I felt like my whole high school life was a lie (I guess it was). But in the end, me and Lucia never acted out on our feelings. Lucia was still seeing Kameron. They were living together for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what I was thinking. We were both stuck. Lucia just wanted to us to remain friends in the end, but I knew I didn’t have that in me, not after what I confessed to her. All the while, I was trying to patch things up with my girl again and we had this on-again, off-again, thing going on too. I was at war with myself. Dealing with two women with different, but almost equal amounts of fucked up baggage. And I didn’t know what to do. I only knew what not to do, and that was only thing that Lucia was helping me on: not doing something we would later regret. We never had sex, we didn’t look at each other longingly in the eyes, we never kissed, we just tried to solve our shit out. And we did. But it came at a cost. At this point, I had went back to home for the spring, and I just broke things off with my girlfriend for the last time. Once again, I was in disbelief that every time I was letting her go, I was killing her a little more inside.I go see Lucia for the last time. and after a long talk, we came to realize that our time as potential lovers had long passed and that we needed to move on somehow. And I knew how. I needed to let her go. But I didn’t tell her that. But I had already made up my mind. I go back to school, a single boy with no sense of direction. I felt like I had screwed everything up. But I finally had a bit of clarity. But then I decide to go on Tumblr late at night, and to my surprise, I found this:

It broke me.

I remember just sitting there on my chair in disbelief. I remember just being so furious, that I couldn’t even sit there looking at that sentence anymore. I stormed off. I ran into town in the middle of the night and didn’t stop running. I kept running and running until I couldn’t run anymore. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to hurt the fuckboy that put his hands on her, I wanted hurt the boy that didn’t want to see her again after he was done with her. But really I just wanted to hurt anyone. Anyone who looked at me funny, anyone who seemed a little sketchy, anyone who may have had it coming. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I just kept screaming. And screaming. And then just sobbing. I fucked up. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. And she crossed a line that I don’t think she can ever make up for. But it was my fault. I didn’t go back to my dorm that night. In fact, I was hoping someone would just come along and put me out of my fucking misery. But obviously, that didn’t happened. No one dared to fuck with me when I was at my all time low. But someone took advantage of her when she was heartbroken and cross faded out her mind. The fucking irony of it all. Shortly afterwards, she texted me about me bringing the remainder of her stuff that she left in my room. And at that time, I was livid. I wanted to rain an endless shower of hellfire on her for what she did to herself. But I complied and did what she asked of me (sorta), but I left her a note with her things. It wasn’t long, it was pretty straight to the point. I think it went something like: “Don’t talk to me again.” “Get drunk and fuck dudes until you forget who I am.” “That’s how you cope, right?” Pretty sure that’s how it went. And not to mention, I left her a pretty…distinct drawing as well. The funny thing is that, that drawing originally started off… not so distasteful. But then I just poured poison all over it. I wasn’t with her at the time she got my note, but from what she told me later on, it fucked her up pretty bad. I couldn’t leave things they were between us though. Whether I like it or not, she wasn’t just someone I could dismiss so easily. She was my first love. And I know she wasn’t the person I was demonizing her to be at the time. She’s not perfect… she’s way far from it. But I know the good in her as well. She’s just been through too much shit to let the good shine out sometimes. And I should’ve been more sensitive to that. I failed her, and by doing so, she failed herself. But I couldn’t leave her the way she was. So eventually we decide to meet up to have a talk. It was our first real fight. I was still angry at her. She looked… defeated. I wanted to know everything about what happened with her on that night she slept with that other guy. Apparently they were both out of their minds. She wasn’t able to properly consent to his advances, but she didn’t care, and neither did he. I think I remember her telling me that he got permission from a couple of her friends that were with her at the time. That only made me pissed at them for being fucking idiots. She said that it didn’t matter what happened because we weren’t together, so it wasn’t like she was cheating on me. I told her, “Yea, you’re right, technically, you didn’t cheat on me. But you did cheat on yourself. And you know what? It felt like you cheated on me anyway.” And since we were both putting all our cards on the table, I told her the truth about why I kept breaking up with her. What I was feeling and what I was going through. I think her only concerns were whether I cheated on her and if I still loved Lucia. I said no. She believed me. I don’t quite remember how the rest of our fight went. I remember her threatening to walk out because I guess I was pushing her buttons. I remember just being very tense, all the time. And I remember crying in her arms, because the guilt had started to weigh down on me. Because in the end I knew none of this shit would’ve never happened if I had just kept my damn feelings to myself. So that’s just about how the last two years have been played out. I ended my relationship with Lucia, I haven’t spoken to her in months now. And ever since that fight, I’ve just been doing everything I can to try to make things right. But nothing has really improved. I was and still am depressed, tackling with the acceptance of the fallout that occurred. I try to be as supportive as I can to be a loving boyfriend and to take on the weight of the responsibility of being her protector and lover, but that weight is heavy on me now. It’s not as light and carefree as it was when we first started off. And on days like this, when she’s not around, I feel dead inside. Because I know there’s nothing I can do about the past. And it’s almost inhumane having to deal with it every single day. She’s been my coping mechanism. But also my virus. I don’t drink or smoke, I don’t take drugs to deal with the pain because I know what that does to people, and the people closest to them. So I’m left to deal with it in sober reflection. And hope for the best. I’ve already thought of breaking up with her again. But at this point, I don’t have it in me. I don’t want to. I can’t. I need her almost as much as she needs me. I love her, but some days it’s hard to look her in the eyes. We talk about having a future together, but a part of me doubts that we’ll even make it through college. But I can’t give up on her. I won’t. Because maybe, just maybe… there’s a chance for redemption for the both of us. And if not… I think I’ll just keep trying anyway. It’s all I can do now.

#journal #2017 #mehself

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