#Im not actually mad at myself or anything or upset for 'making myself a fool' | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sabtoonz · 2 months ago

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at this point I can't tell anymore whether i'm faking shit or my parents are just being horrible. my dad is always making fun of the way i dress because i don't like being feminine. he judges the fact im hairy, tells me that i can't question my gender because i'm still "too young for that". he always judges the way i do things and over explains things to me as if i was 5 even when i tell him to stop doing that. he just always tells me that he's my dad and I can't ever criticize his methods. he just always thinks he's immune to criticism due to being my dad, and yet he always tells me "why are you yelling at me? what did i do wrong?". he always threatens and intimidates me by saying that i will suffer so much in life.he probably thinks im faking adhd because he always tell me that being innatentive has nothing to do with it. i'm so tired.

my mom just thinks she's the person who suffers the most in this world. she's geniunely hurt me so many times before but whenever i tell her to stop doing that she guilttrips me by saying "oh, so i'm the witch? you think your own mom is being shitty to you? is that what you think of me?". and like my dad she refuses to understand my experiences with adhd such as suffering with executive dysfunction and breaking down because I can't make myself do simple tasks. she tells me my anxiety isn't severe even when i'm literally being medicated for it and i'm almost always extremely paranoid that someone's watching me, or overthinking every single small detail causing me to spiral.

recently I've tried to hurt myself to try to get attention from my parents and show them I'm actually struggling. but they always just say that i'm insane and get mad and yell at me. is it bad that i want to be comforted by them in situations like this? /genq. and everytime this happens i blame myself and yell at myself internally which just causes me to have more suicidal urges which just continues this vicious cycle.

but at this point I can't tell if i'm victimizing myself or truly suffering. I've always grown up convinced that i'm a fool, an idiot for struggling with things like this. i bring myself down and exaggerate so much i never give myself the chance to question why something happened and just always asume it's my fault. and i think it always is, really. I don't know. when i was younger i started yelling at myself in the mirror because i was having a meltdown due to not being able to do a homework and afterwards my mom called me to her room and told me to stop putting on the victim's mask and start accepting the blame. i still remember a few months ago when i went downstairs to try to cut myself and yet again my mom started yelling at me and saying something along the lines of "if you want to die ao much, why don't i just kill you?" and backed me to the corner of the room holding a knife. she didn't do anything but i was so horrified, and still am. the only time i truly hurt myself was when i was 10 and i cut my arm. it's the first and only time i ever saw my dad cry.

I can't tell anymore if I'mright or wrong. i am a shitty person and likely am wrong and just want to guilttrip others into feeling bad for me. i can't cry around my parents. i can't cry around myself. i deserve the worst punishment and should kill myself to end my own and my parents' suffering. i'm just a burden and i refuse to address it. but at the same time I don't want to die. should i end it or just continue being shitty and making everything worse? /rhetorical question

i just want to be comforted by my parents when I'm feeling upset. i don't have any friends at school because I don't trust anyone. i want a shoulder to cry on when i'm upset. i want to trust someone. i want to love someone. i want to love myself.

#text post #vent #sabreetoons

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thekeigospichula · 3 years ago

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Cw// bkdk/ miscommunication/ angst/ anxiety

"I love you Kacchan '' Midoriya's voice sounds like a song in Bakugo's ears, freckles paint the tan skin and freckled hands give him chocolates. The blond takes the box with pinkie cheeks and heart beating.

"Yeah, whatever" the crimson eyed shove the chocolates inside his backpack and turn, giving his back to the green eyed, who with a heart broken looks at the other back. He rejected him, of curse, he would, who'd like hang out whit him, the weird and useless boy that broke his bones in national tv, ha, so stupid, he should just keep his stupids feelings to himself, at least his friendsh- "What the hell are you doing still there? We are going to the my room" the blond grip his hand on the other wrist shoving him at his side, Midoriya gaze at the blond, he is frowning, but his cheeks are red and his hands sweaty, that day was a little warm, so obviously Kacchan is red and sweaty, but Midoriya feel his chest warm.

In the dorms, Bakugo and Midoriya walk towards Katsuki's room. The blond sits in his bed, taking the manga on his night table ready to start his lecture, whereas Midoriya is just there, standing in the middle of the room awkwardly. Kacchan rejected him? He said yes? Midoriya knows that Kacchan isn't a verbal person, and the fact that he didn't blasted his ass before his confession means a lot; he shoved him in his room —a place where he has been before— after his confession could mean a yes, but this little voice inside his head that has been growing each day, telling him how useless he is, right now is telling him that Kacchan is a kind guy, and he rejected him, but cause he is really kind didn't blew his ass and acts like nothing has happened, shit, his eyes are watering.

"Kacchan..." Midoriya said looking at the floor, no ready to look at the crimson eyes *disgusting* the voice say *weirdo* feels like a scream *pathetic* sings *stop to fool yourself and get out of here*.

The sound of Kacchan shifting in his bed reaches Midoriya's ears, he knows that the blond is looking at him.

"I... gotta go" say in a wobbly voice, again, the shifting sound and steps closing to him; Midoriya step back, and the blond stop after to see his reaction, confused at the state of his boyfriend, maybe Midoriya regretted his words and don't want date him anymore, maybe he realized that Bakugo doesn't deserve him, that he is an asshole and a bad guy, but he need to hear it, he need to hear it to let him go.

"Why?" The blond steps back looking at the trembling boy, his shoulders are shivering and he can see the tears falling on the floor "Why?" Ask one more time.

"Don't make me say it, it is humiliating" Midoriya hide his face on his scarred hands and Bakugo wants to hug him, wipe his tears and cuddle until the shorter feel better.

"Why is that humiliating?" Bakugo said in an angry tone, yes, he is sad as fuck, he feel his heart broken in pieces, but his stupid self-defense sistem acts like he is mad "What the hell is exactly humiliating, eh? Ya lookin' down on me eh? You think that I'm weak and I can handle this?" Midoriya raises his face, and God, his eyes, his beautiful eyes are like jewelry, a big wet emerald that reflects him. His face is a mess, his nose full of snots, eyes puffy and trembling lips, but his freckles were-

"I'M NOT LOOKING DOWN ON YOU" He can't stand this conversation anymore, he's sad, tired, his chest hurts and his eyes are sore "And you know" say in a broken whisper that reaches Bakugo's ears "You know tha-at I've... I've never looked down on you, How could I whe-en you are the most amazing person that I've ever known?" The freckled look at the crimson eyes, wide and surprised "I don't know why are you saying that I'm looking down on you... I know that I'm not the enough-"

"Hey-" He doesn't like where this conversation is going.

"Kacchan" the green haired cut him "I d-don't need you pity, I'm not looking down on you, I-I" his voice broke in a sob "I really love you Kacchan" say hidden behind his hands, and Bakugo feel his heart alive again "And I know that you don't love me" oh no, nonononono, shit, Bakugo fucked it, how couldn't love him? Bullshit. He step closer, and Midoriya step back again "I-it's so kind of you to receive me in your room a-and try to keep the things before my stupidity"

"Bullshit, that wasn't a stupidity Deku" Bakugo say harsh whitout that intention, fuck.

"Yes, it was" the freckled say with his wobbly voice "Because we were fine, we were friends again and each day closer and closer, but I'm selfish and I wanted you to me, and now all is going to be awkward and you gonna think that I'm disgusting, and I didn't want that, I just wanted to hold your hand, and k-kiss you, and all that cursi things that you hate, and I-im- sorry, shit, I woul-" Bakugo hug him, holding him between his arms breathing the smell of sweat in the green hair, feeling his shirt getting wet for the tears and feeling their crazy hearts.

"I... I-I, well, you are... I'm..., We..., What I mean is that I don't..., no no, forget that, back then when you said that you love me, I-I... shit" Bakugo flustered and whit his face red, try to express himself, but shit, he is not a man of words, he's someone of actions but this stupid nerd need words to things keep in his smart head. And Bakugo is a shit when we talk about feelings and communication. Fuck, he sucks to this "I shouldn't be whit you" The blond listen a whine and feel Midoriya fidget in his arms, fuckfuckfuckfuck.

"L-let me g-go Kacchan" shit, stupid, stupid stupid stupid.

"No, wait, that wasn't what I was trying to fucking say, shit" Bakugo grip his hold around the smaller boy " I don't fucking deserve you, fuck!" And then everything is quiet.

"What?" Midoriya didn't relax, but stopped to fight, he try to look at Bakugo's face, but the blond caress his hair and kept him in his chest.

"I... feel the same for you" the freckled man uses OFA to remove from the blond's arms and grip his hands on his best friend-crush biceps. Bakugo was red from his ears until his neck, but he was staring to the green teary eyes "I don't know how to make you feel lo-oved and all that shit, I think that you got it that I feel the same" the crimson eyes look at the ceiling whispering a little fuck to face his crush again "But I was stupid a-and" he glup and look at the floor feeling his eyes watering "I hurt you again" he try to control his voice, but sounded wobbly and fucking weak "I always hurt you, fuck, why this shit is so hard?" Hiding his trembling hands in his pant's pockets, try to speak swallowing the knot in his throat, and Midoriya is listening, he doesn't say anything knowing that the blond need to speak, need to say what he feel; it's true that his now apparently boyfriend, is bad with words and always has been an action guy, but Bakugo is actually really vocal, he need to hear and said what he feels and what other feels about him, and Midoriya knows exactly what to do in this cases, so, he let Bakugo go and grip his hand on Bakugo's wrist guiding him towards his bed and petting in front of him in an invitation to sit facing him. Bakugo sits exactly where Midoriya signaled and stares at the mattress, whiteout dare to face the green eyes.

"You didn't hurt me" Midoriya says, trying to make him speak again.

"I fucking did" his shoulders tremble and his breath is agitated "I always do, I yelled you cause I thought you realized that you deserve more. I don't know why I said what I said" whispers the last sentence wiping furiously his tears "Aaaaaahhhh fuck, stop" Midoriya hold his hands, stopping him to hurt himself.

"Kacchan, it's okay" Bakugo stand up upset again.

"NO, IT'S NOT OKAY" his breath agitated again and tears in his crimson eyes "I hurt you, stop to think about my fucking feeling and think in yourself stupid" the blond walks towards his desk and stamps his hand on the table trying to stop the little explosions on his hands "Fuck" Midoriya stand up as well and hug his back.

"You are right, I have to think more in myself" whispers on the taller back "But you have as well think in yourself" he sigh leaning his forehead on the muscled back, feeling Bakugo's breath calming "Sometimes... Sometimes we will hurt us, we do it without that intention, but in the end, we do it, but we can repair the damage, you did it, you are the proof, the past is in the past, just let's be free, okay?" Midoriya put his hand on Bakugo's shoulder, trying to make the blond look at him. Bakugo turned towards the freckled face, wet and whit snot, but not less cute.

Izuku caresses the blond's cheeks, wiping the tears that still fall off the crimson eyes.

"Kacchan, I love you, and you love me, let's be selfish together" the greenet smile and Bakugo nod, hugging him again and crying in his shoulder "We are going to be vocals, okay?, When you feel like this again tell me okay?"

"Okay, but" Bakugo grips his hold "You too, you are... Amazing. When you feel like shit tell me"

"Okay Kacchan"

"I love you Izuku"

"I love you Katsuki"

Fin

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over300books · 4 years ago

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I really need to vent, so I'll write part of my story.

i think what you said most to me was "i love you". which is funny, because my conception of these words became so warped over those four years that i no longer know what love really feels like. was it love i felt when you cried because of what your ex had done to you? was it love when you pitched her against me so you wouldn't have to fight that battle - which was completely yours to fight? was it love when you took advantage of what i thought i felt about you so i would take over personal resposabilities for you? was it love when you then started using our best friend and i was forced to stay in the bleachers and cheer for you? was it love when you obviously fell out (because how could someone so self absorbed love someone else - too bad i didn't realize it back then) and you came crying to me, again, as did she, and i had my first ever panic attack trying to mend your relationship for you? was it love when you got back together but you still flirted with me non stop and spurred me on? was it love when you opened your relationship with her and we all hooked up (that was a wild night) and you told me when we were alone that i was so special and that you had never felt that way with anyone? was it love when you made me feel like a stupid and crazy fool two days later when you looked me in the eye and said you never did anything to encourage my crush and that it was all in my head? was it love when you moved away with her and stopped replying to me, only to come back after weeks to say "you don't have a right to be upset, because i love you"? was it love when i went out of my way to visit you and you did your best to manipulate me and pretend that you never gaslighted me? was it love when i finally found out that you cheated on our best friend so many fucking times with your ex and she thought i knew, so that's why she stopped talking to me? was it love when you realized your enchantment over me was starting to break and you got mad and made me feel guilty about being angry and heartbroken with you when i asked you to stop talking to me for a while? was it love when the emptiness i felt after you completely broke me and my friendship with her made me so overwhelmed that i literally didn't see life in color anymore for months? was it love when i opened myself up to you again and tried to salvage the obliterated remains of our friendship and you replied with only a fucking word and ignored me for the next week? was it love when this happened time and time again over months until i stopped trying to talk to you? was it love when you still had the nerve to try to manipulate me again and say "im so glad that youre my best friend, i love you so much"? was it love when i decided enough was enough and sent you the longest message of my life telling you how bad you made me feel over the course of four years and then blocked you everywhere? was it love when the trauma you gave me will haunt me probably for years to come?

i know now that what i thought was love became so twisted and bitter after some time in your presence that it wasn't anything more that a tool you used to stroke your ego. telling this story now makes it all so clear, but i wont give you the satisfaction of feeling stupid or sorry for letting you do all that and more to me. something i also know now is that at some point in that trajectory, it actually was love i started feeling, but not for you, it was for me. it's a long ass road to learn to love myself and prevent me from ever accepting anything less than i deserve, but im taking baby steps to someday be free.

you may have broken the trusting and innocent part of me, but im healing and i am so proud of the person i am becoming. by acknowledging all this, i am learning to let go. in the end, it's your loss.

#i dont even care if no one sees this #if feels so good to put this out in the world #my story

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reeree1500 · 5 years ago

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The Return- Part 10

Disclaimer: YALL IM SO SO SO SORRY.😭😭 I have been horrible and not updated this story for at least a month.😬 I can explain though... University has been kicking my ass and between that and my co-op placement at a law firm.😅 Ive had absolutely no time to do anything😩 BTW IVE MISSED YALL SO MUCH❤️And Ive read all your messages and asks. And yes my mental health is now better and y'all are so understanding and supportive 💕 honestly could not have asked for a better group of individuals☺️❤️

Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 11

Anyways onto the storyyyyy.....

Warnings: ANGSTY AF (kinda figured out that im probably a smut and angst writer at this point🤷🏽‍♀️), sucky ass grammar and spelling like always, my cliche imagination and the fact that Im probably a horrible human being😬😩 Also made it extra long cuz I felt baddd

PLEASE DONT KILL ME FOR THIS ONE😬

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @affection-rabbit @amy8220 @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness

Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Arthur’s POV

“Arthur please! Open the door my love, I know what it may seem like to you, but I assure you that its not.” (Y/n) pleaded from the other side. I sat down on the mattress in our chamber contemplating whether or not it was true. Should I believe what my wife so desperately is trying to reassure me off. Or should I stick with my gut feeling and tell her how I have felt for the last 4 years. Her constant pounding on the door finally gets to me and I make my way to open it. “I wish to be left alone at the moment (y/n).” Her arms circle around my waist and I can feel her face wetting by back with tears. “Arthur please, talk to me. Why have you run off. You know that I love you. I do not want him, all he does is bring me pain and you take that away. So please, talk to me!” (y/n) murmurs into my back. As much as it pains me to do so I pry her hands off of me and sit us down on the bed. All I do is long for her touch, but this is not okay. I cannot keep feeling this way and go on pretending that I could have ever stood a chance against him. “(y/n), look at me. I love you and I always will. But its evident that you love him. and I honestly can say that I know I will never stand a chance against him, because the thought of you possibly running back to him has always been on my mind since the day we got married.”

Her eyes showed so much pain that confessing this felt as if I was driving a knife through her heart. “Arthur, I love you. What can I do to show you that. Yes I confess that I was in love with him, but that was long ago and I have left it in the past in order to build a future with you. Whom I love and who I share and will continue to share beautiful children with. So please don't shut me out, Arthur.” She says leaning our foreheads together and holding my face in her gentle hands. “Ok, however I want to be able to process things by myself. So I have decided to have the guest room across the hall prepared only until I figure things out.” With out giving her a chance to fight back, I place my lips on hers and savour the kiss as if it were our last. Meeting her eyes was something I wanted to avoid as I knew that just looking at her broken expression would make me change my mind. I hastily make my way out of the room, but sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find my wife staring off into the direction where I once sat. With tears streaming down her eyes...

Your POV

What had I done? Why was I such fool to not see what my husband was clearly going through? Millions of questions rushed into my mind about how to go about this situation. I loved Arthur, I was clear on that. But he spoke the truth, there was something in me that could not let Ivar go and it took hurting my husband and Ivar to figure that out. As I sulked I forgot about the doctor whom I had asked to see me earlier. I was having really bad stomach pains and my breasts were more tender then they had ever been. So I wanted to make sure that I was not sick, as that would have been the last thing I needed on my plate at the moment. “My Queen, are you alright? Do you wish to push back this appointment, I dont mind coming by later when you're better.” The doctor spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems so. Ill let the servant girl know if I need you doctor. Im sorry for the inconvenience.” “Nonsense your majesty, it is my pleasure to serve you.” With a bow the doctor retreats from the room and Im left to my own thoughts once again...

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“(y/n), wake up... its seems that you fell asleep on the floor. Come on I’ll help you up.” Upon hearing Hvitty’s comforting voice my eyes flutter open and I cant help the tears that song come down my face like a cascade. “(y/n)! are you alright are you hurt anywhere? Why are you crying?” Hvitserk’s eyes scan my face and my body looking for the source of my pain, which is held in my heart, but he’ll never know that. “Arthur... He...” I try to find the words to say. “What! What did he do! Did he hurt you? I swear ill kill him!” With that Hvitserk tries to let me go and run out the door, but somehow I manage to stop him. “Hvitserk, No! He didn't hurt me. I hurt him... He believes that Im in love with Ivar, and I fear that their maybe some truth to it...” I say just above a whisper, with my head held low. “(Y/N), Ive known that since before you were married. It was obvious, but I would never say anything to you because I found that it was best if I kept such observations to myself, before I found out about your father.” Lifting my head and staring directly at him, I move my head to the side with a puzzling look. “What do you mean about my father, Hvitserk?” Hvitserk now mirrors the same lost look that I have on my face. “I thought thats why you and Ivar had gotten together, because Ragnar’s not your father...”

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Ivar’s POV

“Aghhhh!”Is the sound that comes out of my gritted teeth when the medicinal herbs are placed on my face. “That hurts like a bitch, get out! Ill do this myself if I have to. GO!” I yell at the servant girl who tried to cleanse and tend to the cuts on my face. “Ivar, please let the servants tend to you. I still cannot believe that Arthur punched you in the face. Hehehe, you deserved it though, how could you question the paternity of his children and not expect him to want to kill you?” Bjorn laughs as he chugs the rest of his drink down. “Well, if you actually cared about your children and the heir to your throne, you’d also be quite upset to find a Christian King claiming to be their father. Those children are mine! And its pretty evident, just look at Marjorie. She's my spitting image.” I snarl at him as the anger begins to rise in me again. “Ivar, thats your mistake and why you’ll never get (y/n) back. You believe that everything should be yours. And that people are things you can govern over, but they're not. Because those are children. And yes they may be yours, but you cannot take away what they have known because you want to be selfish.” He says with a stern look on his face, whilst getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. “Now get ready and fix yourself we have a intimate dinner to attend to with MY sister and the love of your life.” Unbeknownst to us, there was Freydis on the balcony listening to our whole conversation. And little did I know that it would come to be the thing I regretted the most.

At the dinner I notice (y/n) sit on the opposite side of the table from Arthur. This wouldn't have affected me if it wasn't for the look on both of their faces. They seemed distraught and broken. Arthur masked it well, but (y/n) was an open book for all of us to know exactly how she felt at that moment. Not much talking happened, besides Marjorie and Erik shouting at each other on who was better at riding. They reminded me a lot of myself and all I wanted was to tell them the truth, that they were my children and that they would go back to Kattegat with me to learn about the true gods and not the fable that had been told to them about their so called ‘God’.” “(Y/n) are you alright, you do not seem quite like yourself tonight.” Bjorn states with a concerned look that we all share. Even Arthur looks a bit concerned, but his body language makes it seem as if he is alright and nothing is wrong. “Sarah, could you please put Marjorie and Erik to bed? Its getting late for them and they have their lessons early in the morning.” She says with a stern and cold look in her (e/c) eyes. “Su...sure your majesty. “ At that Bjorn stands up as if to accompany Sarah, but is quickly stopped by (y/n)’s icy glare and venomous words. “Sit your ass down.” At that we all look astonished, but Hvitserk only stares at her with sadness and what seems to be sympathy. He must know why she is like this then.

Bjorn slowly sits back down on the table. A shocked look graces his face, as he cannot comprehend why she is acting this way towards her beloved older brother. “How long.” Is all she grits out through her teeth. “What do you mean, (y/n)?” My eyes meet Hvitserk’s own and the realization dawns upon me. She knows...

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Your POV

“Stop with the bullshit! I cannot take anyone else lying to me!” I scream as I bang my hands against the table, stunning everyone in sight. “How long did you know that Ragnar was not my father! How long have you kept the truth from me! How long have you known that Athelstan was my father!” I could careless about everyone staring at me as if I was a mad woman. I had been lied to my whole life. All I had known had been a lie, and the people who I trusted the most in this world had been the ones keeping it a secret from me. “(Y/N)... I..I’ve know since the moment you were born. But father had sworn me into secrecy and I could not break a promise. This doesn't change anything though. You are still my sister and you will always be.” Bjorn says in a haste as tries to come closer to me, but I step back and move as far back as I can. “Did you know? Tell me! Ivar did you know that we were not siblings!” Ivar didn't even have to answer. I knew from the look in his eyes that he too had been lying to me.

“I knew.” Arthur says staring right at me. “I knew that you weren't his daughter and I knew that Ivar wasn't your brother. But I kept that information from you because all I wanted to do was have you by my side. I’m sorry, for the pain I have caused you (y/n). Im sorry for being selfish and not telling you the truth, but I now see that I was wrong and as of tomorrow you are free to go back to your country. I promise that your title and lands will not be taken from you or from the children. May they be mine or his. But I cannot go on with this facade anymore.” Arthur says in the most calm demeanour as he stands up and comes to me. “You hypocrite! How dare you make me feel like shit for harbouring feelings for Ivar when you knew all along and knew that my whole life was a lie.” I scream as I run at him and slap him across the face. But before I can get another punch in I feel a strong grip holding me from behind. From the shocks and the utter feeling in my stomach I knew it could have only been Ivar. As I try desperately to release from his vice grip, my whole world comes crashing down when Sarah enters the room. With blood all over her.

“Your highnesses...Erik.... he.. he..” She tries to say through her shock. “What! What is wrong with my son!” Ivar, Arthur and I scream at the same time. “He.. he’s dying!”

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We all simultaneously run after Sarah towards the doctors quarters. Ivar with his brace on, manages to run faster than all of us and busts the doors wide open. if I wasn't so worried about my son or upset about the fact they all knew Ragnar wasn't my father, I would've been impressed. “What are you doing! Get away from my son!” At that Ivar rushes towards the doctor who is bleeding Erik out. Grabbing him by the collar he slams the doctor on the wall and his sclera go into bluish hue, showing that he is in danger of breaking a bone. “Ivar stop it! Let the man go, he is just trying to help.” “Help my ass! I will not let you harm my son, do you understand me! I will not let you harm him!” At that Ivar lets the doctor go, but not without staring him down. And the doctor looking like he is about to shit himself. Rushing to Erik’s side I notice something strange. The colour of his skin is now fading and his eyes have bags under them. But what hits me the most is the memory of Uncle Rollo teaching me about poison. “He doesn't need to be bled, he needs medicine. He’s been poisoned...”

“Mama! What is wrong with Erik! He will be okay right? He has to be okay!” Marjorie begins to say as she shakes with fear. Before Arthur or I could say something to console her, Ivar bends down and takes her hands in his. “Marjorie, listen to me. Your brother is a fighter and so are you. After all were related aren't we?” Ivar says as he lifts her chin. “Yes..I suppose that we are. Is it true what they say though? Are you our father?” At that Ivar turns to me looking towards me for permission. At this point I think to myself how hard it was to learn my whole life had been a lie and that I would not want that for my children, so I nod. “Yes, Marjorie I am your father. And no your mother is not my sister. It was something that we had to say because she needed to be kept safe.” He says ever so calmly. “Safe from who?”She questions “From my mother. Your grandmother.”

Cough*Cough* Spurts of blood cover me in seconds. My attention becomes focused in on my son again. “Where is the damn antidote! Please someone hurry!” At that Hvitserk runs into the room with a small green vial. “Here take this it should help him. Lagertha gave it to me before her and father left. Something about it would come in handy some day. Here.” Shoving the vial in my hands I open it quickly and lift Erik’s head. “Drink this Erik. It should help you, my darling. Please be strong, I know you're scared, but you’ll be alright ok. Everything will be ok.” I say through tears. Today had been the worst day by far. “Mira... please help my son. I know you're always with me, but please help me now. Pray for my son and ask God to save him.”

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A few hours had gone by and nobody had moved from the room. Arthur sat on the chair next to the bed with his elbows on his knees, looking straight and focused in on Erik. Bjorn and Hvitserk sat by the fireplace and were wetting some towels so that we could place them atop Eriks head. I sat on the bed next to my son and caressed his beautiful face hoping for a miracle. I had dismissed Sarah and told her to take Marjorie with her, but she would not budge. Sarah left, but Marjorie stayed and sat in Ivars lap asking him if Erik would pull through. Ivar was sweet to answer as best as he could, and I could tell that he truly cared for his children even if his demeanour wasn't the greatest. I knew that deep in my heart I would have to let him get to know them, but it still hurt especially knowing that he now was married. “Wait, where is Freydis? I haven't seen her since yesterday.” I say looking towards Ivar. “I dont know earthier to be honest, she's probably looking at some damn flowers anyway. Its best if she's far away anyway.” “Why would you say that about your wi-” “she's not my wife, at least not yet. Were not actually married, (y/n). I just said that to piss you off.” Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new cloths. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

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aaronhart93-archive · 4 years ago

Text

discord II text Roman & Aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @romanbeckett

Mentions: @wtf-eden @davieslandon @jayceelynd

Where: Aaron in Paris (with Eden) and Roman is in NYC

When: June 12th in New York, June 13th in Paris

Description: After Landon texts Aaron that Roman is upset upon seeing Eden’s IG post, Aaron reaches out to Roman to check on him

Trigger Warnings: pain, brief sexting

Aaron.

are you okay

Roman.

why?

Aaron.

I just...

am making sure

Roman.

I'm ok

Aaron.

I don’t believe you

Roman.

lol it doesn't matter

Aaron.

it does to me

Roman.

I'm just trying to let you go like you told me I needed to.

Aaron.

I can’t do anything right

im trying not to hurt you

but I’m also trying not to hurt Landon Jaycee and Eden at the same time

Roman.

I understand

I’m not mad

you don’t have to worry about me

Aaron.

I think about you all the time

so I can’t not worry

Roman.

I think about you too.

all the time.

Aaron.

what are we doing

Roman.

if you find out, let me know.

Aaron.

what do you want from this

like for us

Roman.

does it matter?

Eden’s post made it seem like you all were having the time of your lives

I don’t want to ruin that.

Aaron.

im not

it does matter

Ro id drop everything for you

Roman.

You would?

Aaron.

yes

Roman.

Aaron, are you sure? I need you to promise me that you’re sure.

Aaron.

I love you

Roman.

I love you, too. I’m taking Jaycee to Naples for a breather. I’m going to have a talk with her.

which I was gonna do regardless.

I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I’m starting to realize that I don’t know who I am anymore without you.

Aaron.

Roman

fuck I love you

Roman.

I was trying so hard to be okay with you and eden I swear lol but when she posted that picture from Paris I LOST IT

I’m dramatic as shit lol

Aaron.

lol yes you are and that’s one of the many things I love about you.

im sorry it upset you

Roman.

it’s okay, I’m just a jealous bitch lol

Aaron.

lol

is it bad I’m kinda happy you get jealous when it comes to me?

Roman.

No, I’m not surprised. You’re an asshole

Aaron.

an asshole that you’re in love with

Roman.

You’re correct.

I miss your chin dimple

Aaron.

I miss your dimples too

and your fckn hair

Roman.

Aaron.

there they are

Roman.

FUCK

Marry me right fucking now lol

Aaron.

*side eye emoji*

Roman.

you’re so bloody FIT

Aaron.

”bloody fit”

I love being complimented in British

Roman.

*annoyed emoji*

Aaron.

its a good thing!

Roman.

Give me more pictures dammit lol

OH did you see the new rocketman photos?

Aaron.

show me!!!

Roman.

FUCK GOD DAMMIT SHIT DAMN HELL!!!

Jesus CHRIST on a fucking CRACKER

AaronBOTYesterday at 8:43 PM

current Paris status

Roman.

AARON

Aaron.

*pleading face emoji*

Roman.

I’m so pissed that I’m not there lol

taking off that robe

Aaron.

im sorry

ooo

me too

Roman.

You’re so damn hot.

feathers galore

Aaron.

omg

YOU’RE so damn hot

I can’t wait to see you preform

Roman.

I’m nervous, but really fucking excited.

Aaron.

you’re gonna be so amazing

Roman.

I hope so. I’ve busted my arse lol!

Aaron.

yeah and I love that arse of yours

Roman.

what if...it was all yours?

Aaron.

do you think that’s possible?

Roman.

anything is possible.

Aaron.

#corny

Roman.

Aaron.

taking it back to my childhood

Roman.

THOUGH HOPE IS FRAIL, IT’S HARD TO KILLLLLLLL

WHO KNOWS WHAT MIRACLES YOU CAN ACHIEVE, WHEN YOU BELIIIIIEVE, SOMEHOW YOU WILLLLLLL - YOU WILL WHEN YOUUU BELIEEEEVE

Aaron.

ahahaha

its a bop

Roman.

have I convinced you yet?

Aaron.

you may have to send more memes

Roman.

I’ll let you get some sleep

Aaron.

its really late here

but I stayed up to talk to you

Roman.

Aaron.

but I SHOULD sleep

I’d just rather talk to you

Roman.

I’d rather talk to you than do a lot of things.

Aaron.

same

Roman.

I miss kissing you

feels like it’s been so damn long

Aaron.

Its been ages

well like a week

but it’s felt like ages

Roman.

it’s been more than that

maybe like...two

Aaron.

lets be honest I want to kiss you like 24/7

damn that night was two weeks ago now?

Roman.

Yep

Aaron.

I think about it all the time

I wish I made some different decisions that might

Roman.

What would you have done

Aaron.

well I wouldn’t have solidified things with Eden

wouldn’t have fought with Harry

but I would’ve still told you I loved you

that I wouldn’t change

Roman.

you asked me before what I wanted from this. What do YOU want?

Aaron.

I’ve wanted to be with you since I spilled coffee on your shoes but I just realized that at the pride party. Ali suggested I be alone for a little bit which might be something I need but I want to be your fucking boyfriend Ro

Roman.

Oh babe...

Aaron.

and wake up next to you every damn day

I know...it probs won’t happen I’m sorry

Roman.

I want that, too.

Aaron.

and I know don’t like monogamy

ooo???

really??

Roman.

it’s not that I don’t like monogamy. I just...after Landon, I was scared to get hurt again. And I guess I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I couldn’t be with just one person again, and risk getting hurt like that.

Aaron.

I get that

I can’t promise I won’t hurt you....I never want to hurt you but I’ve been breaking a lot of promises lately

Roman.

neither one of us can make those promises. But choosing to be together means you’re willing to take those risks.

Aaron.

landon would also kill me if I hurt you which is another reason I don’t want to do that lol

Roman.

if I were him, I’d want you to hurt me lol

fell in love with his best friend.

Aaron.

I know

im afraid my friendship with him will never be the same

Roman.

I don’t want to come between that

Aaron.

I know but I want to be with you so bad...part of me doesn’t care anymore. I know that’s an awful thing to say....And I know he will eventually be okay with it...eventually

Roman.

I feel the same way.

Aaron.

really?

Roman.

yes. Really. I’m fucking miserable without you, and I don’t care if we have to keep it under wraps for awhile until the smoke clears, it’s worth it. I want you. I don’t like thinking about you being with anyone else.

Aaron.

shit

me too

like I said I’d do anything for you

Roman.

we can say we just want to be a single for a bit

but

I just want to be with you

Aaron.

me too

Roman.

Aaron.

I wasn’t expecting this

but I’m happy

Roman.

I was t expecting this either lol

wasn’t**

Aaron.

I need to sleep but I can’t

Roman.

I wish you were holding me.

Aaron.

I wanna kiss you so bad

Roman.

just kiss hm??

Aaron.

oh okay I see where this is going

I wish your wholeee dick was in my mouth

better?

Roman.

damn. Yeah, actually

Aaron.

hehe you’re welcome

im still so tired

I haven’t slept and the birds are chirping

Roman.

shit. go to bed babe

Aaron.

okay babe

I love you

Roman.

I love you.

#discord #aaroman #ft. roman #ft. eden #ft. jaycee #ft. landon

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angeliclunaetic · 5 years ago

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just thinking back to the day i met him, till now and,, there was always something about him. something that drew me in and everything just felt right. That day we met,, something about him just drew me in. idk if it was his sense of humor or just how polite n sweet and caring he was in general but it was,, something. idek why i even texted him in the first place. i just commented on his stuff and decided to text him. we talked for a few and then he showed me a pic of himself and i was just,, in awe. he really was the cutest thing ever. yes i had thought abt using him when i first saw him but,, i couldnt even if i had wanted to. i seen his pic and thought “yeah he looks like he’d be easy to use” but then by the end of texting him that night,, i fell so deeply for him. actually no. i already fell for him. way before we even met. that must be how everything felt so right. but just texting him a little bit that first night,, i just instantly wanted to know more about him. i never even talked abt someone else to my gc and for some reason i had the urge to talk about him,, like i knew he was the one but didn’t realize it. and then when we called for the first time,, i swear i had butterflies. even though i was otp with him and his friend,, i was so nervous to just talk to him. i had thought of him as my crush at that point. no one had ever made me feel that way. i never got so nervous to talk to anyone. i wanted to stay quiet that entire time so i wouldnt say something stupid and embarrass myself but something about him,, made me want to be so open. so i talked to him,, and when we got off the phone of our first call,, i was so incredibly sad. i wanted to talk to him more and more and i just wanted to call him again already,, but i wasnt sure how he had felt or if he even felt the same. i thought he did but i didnt wanna assume and make a fool out of myself. i wasnt sure if he had a crush or if he was just being nice. but after a while it was easy to realize. he was way too sweet and caring to me. more than a friend should be. he was there for me the night i was bawling otp w my ex. and he got mad and upset about how my ex was treating me in a way that was different than just my friends. and thats what made me fall for him even more. just him. being himself. him being so sweet. so caring. him just being there for me and not judging me and wanting others to treat me right. and when we videocalled that first time,,i was so nervous. i was worried he’d see what i look like and not be attracted to me anymore. but he still was. but i was so nervous anyways. but when i saw him on video call for the first time,, i was in shock. how could someone be so cute. so perfect. how could someone capture my heart just by simply smiling at me. i knew from then, that i, was in love with him. i wanted to be his so badly. but when he had asked me out i wanted to just scream yes at him,, but something in my mind told me to just calm down and wait,, however a part of me was worried that if i had made him wait that he’d find someone better and leave me. but he didn’t he stayed. even after that night i had told him everything. of how i used to use people and how i had originally planned to use him and he still stayed. i swear i felt my heart break that night and i was crying so much out of fear that he’d leave me before we even got together. i had such strong feelings for him and i wanted him to be mine. but i wanted to make sure i was away from,, that thing,, and that i fully loved him before i got into anything serious. i didnt wanna jump from relationship to relationship either. a part of me just wanted to be single and just have fun. but just,, talking to him and texting him,, i wanted him. i didnt care if i wasnt single. i just wanted him. but also a part of me didnt want to love again. or “love” as i should say considering i never loved anyone before him. i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationships are just so much work and you have to give someone such a large piece of yourself and i wouldnt be able to handle being broken again. so many thoughts ran through my head. “what if i dont love him, what if im just attracted to him because im going through things and he’s there for me” “what if he wont wait for me” “what if he doesnt like me “ “what if im using him and dont realize” “what if i get hurt” all these “what if’s” and i never once thought abt the reality of it all. that i, had feelings for him. that he felt the same. that he was willing to wait for me, even if it took years. that he would never hurt me and even allowed himself to be hurt by me if that meant even just getting a chance at me loving him. i guess i was just so worried and just in shock. no ones felt so deeply for me before.and that night that i had asked him out,,, i had seen a pic of my ex with this new girl and i felt absolutely nothing towards it. so then,, thats when i knew. i was over him. that emotional attachment was gone. and my feelings for sam were real. and we had called that night,, that entire night i was so nervous and got butterflies, and i realized i never stopped smiling once during that whole phone call. and after we got of,, i, once again, was extremely sad. i wanted to hear his voice talking to me for hours and hours. i wanted to smile and feel nervous and get butterflies. and at that point i was like,, fuck it. yes i was still worried that my feelings werent true. but what was the harm in trying. he was the only person to have caught my eye in like,, ever. he was on my mind that whole night and probably abt like 30 mins after we got off call i asked him out. my feelings for him were too strong. i was worried he wouldnt wait and i couldnt risk losing someone as special as him to someone else,, if i did, i wouldve never forgiven myself. im glad i asked him out. even though i had surprised myself by it,, i just couldnt wait any longer,, i needed to make him mine. and i did. and i wouldnt change it for the world. the first month for me was very,, rough. of course we were still getting to know each other and our boundaries,, and i of course made some mistakes. my fears of possibly not having true feelings were coming back. and it pushed him away because he didnt wanna get hurt. and he almost left me. those two nights that we had an issue and he had left me,, they broke me. they really did. that was the worst i had ever been. the crying,, the screaming,, the anger and complete sadness i felt. i felt as if i had lost everything. i felt as if i had nothing left. if i didnt have him,, then,, who am i. im nothing without him. he’s my other half. my soulmate. and i thought i had lost him. im glad im so annoying and clingy otherwise i’d be so fucking heartbroken without him. we had only been together for less than a month those two times and yet i felt so strongly for him. nothing has ever made me feel this way. i had never wanted to keep someone in my life so bad before. it was like,, i needed him to breathe. i needed him to smile. i just,, needed him. i cant live without him. just thinking about a life without him makes me fucking sick. i want him and only him for the rest of our lives. no one can even compare to him. im just,, in shock. like im really in love with him and it just amazes me. im sitting here writing this as he’s sound asleep and i just. i miss him a lot. i guess all my feelings are coming out now since ive been distant the past month but,, i dont care. ill gladly shout from the rooftops how much i love him. god there’s so much more i could say about us. even before we started dating. i cant get over the rush i felt. the excitement, the nerves, the butterflies,, even all the “what if’s”,, i still get nervous and get butterflies when talking to him but ofc they’re not gonna be as strong as when we had met and declared our love for each other. speaking of love,, now im reminded of the day i had told him that i love him,, we had “argued” the day before and i thought i had lost him for good,, and that next day,,i wanted nothing more than to just hold him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. i know the words “i love you” is such a meaningful thing,, i couldnt help but tell him. its exactly how i felt. i loved him. i couldnt be apart from him,, even after only a week of dating him,, i was in love that night i thought he was leaving me for good,, absolutely broke me. and the next day i just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. even though i was so nervous to tell him that i loved him,, i just,, i knew i was sure. no one had ever made me feel so strongly about them. yeah ive cried over my ex. but nothing could ever compare to just the complete distraught i felt that night. that crying so much it burned my throat and threw up,, the screaming,, just the complete sadness and anger i felt. after that,, i knew i loved him, and i wasnt afraid to tell him. i was nervous bc of how he’d react but i knew that i was never more sure of anything else in my life. i love him. and i want to be with him forever.

#lovenotesforsam

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broken-heartedgirlff · 5 years ago

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Chapter 34 ~ Incomplete

Even though it seems I have everything I don't want to be a lonely fool All of the women, all of the expensive cars, all of the money don't amount to you (you can have it all) I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see (Just give me my baby) That without you girl my life is incompleteEven though it seems I have everything I don't want to be a lonely fool All of the women, all the expensive cars, all the money don't amount to you So I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see That without you girl my life is incomplete Without you girl Without you girl Without you girl you girl my life is incomplete Without you girl you girl my life is incomplete Oh yeah My life is incomplete

Olivia

We had to go to court, because today was the last hearing for us suing Avery for full custody of Aden and me adopting him.

It broke my heart that we were dragging him in this, and no matter what happens I will always treat him and love him as my son. I’m getting all of the kids therapy after this. Avery has tried everything in the book to destroy this case, but my lawyer was the best family lawyer in the state.

She even had Aiden taken out of our home, and put in a temporary foster home until everything was solved. When I tell you I cried when they took my baby boy. He calls me every time he needs something and we talk every day. If we could, I would go see him everyday, but we have to go by the book in order to win. So it’s been supervised visits for the past few months.

It hurt that I couldn’t represent myself and Jeremiah in the case, because I had to put my trust in a man that I hurt. But Jordan was absolutely amazing at handling the case, and he didn’t put personal feelings in our dealings. He respected Jeremiah and vice versa.

They are hearing the testimony of Aiden first and then the judge was going to tell us what is going to happen, and I am absolutely nervous.

“Olivia, can you stop pacing please? You’re making me dizzy.” Jeremiah mumbled.

We were in the hallway outside of the courthouse, and I couldn’t sit still.

“His testimony is taking too long J.” I said, I was really nervous.

“I know you’re nervous, but please.” He pleaded with me, I knew that he was also just as nervous, because if everything went in Avery’s favor, she would make our life a living hell.

I finally sat down, and held his hand, and whispered my worst fear “I don’t want to leave here without him J. I don’t know if I can take that.”

“I know. Trust me I know.” He said kissing my head.

Before I could even respond, the bailiff came out and got us. Jeremiah and I walked in with our heads held high. We couldn’t let Aiden or Avery know that we are scared.

The judge called everything to order.

“I have went over every single piece of this case. Every time that a case like this comes to my desk, it upsets me. That not everyone involved can get along with each other for sake of the child in question. Aiden is a very bright boy, he knows exactly what is going on and is trying his best to stay happy, but all he wants to do is go home.

With all that being said, Ms. Jordan your team gave a compelling case, its obvious that you care for your son.”

“I do your honor, he is my only child.” Avery spoke sweetly and I wanted to barf.

The judge acknowledged her outburst, but continued:

“If you love your child as much as you claim to, why did you blatantly ignore him the days he was supposed to be in your house without supervision. You only came back into Aiden’s life because of his father’s relationship with his wife. Aiden doesn’t remember you, but he can account all the times Olivia put him to sleep and nursed him while he was sick.

Now for Mr. and Mrs. Lavigne, it’s obvious that you care for the boy as well. Especially you Mrs Lavigne. Aiden speaks extremely highly of you and his father. He loves his brother and sisters and his home life. But Mrs. Lavigne, as an officer of the court, I would expect you to have a higher regard, and not fight Ms. Jordan, every time she does something you don’t like. That can jeopardize this case and your career.”

I simply nodded my head, because he was right, I have literally been arrested 3 times since this case started because Avery cant stop talking shit and she acts like I won’t hit her. Of course because of my reputation, they don’t put these arrests on my record, but obviously the judge knows of my wrong doings.

“Like I said, I have looked at every single side of this case, and with my final decision, I grant Mr and Mrs. Lavigne, full custody of the child, Ms. Jordan, you are to have supervised visits with the child and if and only if the parents agree to let him spend unsupervised visits with you, I suggest you take them wisely. Aiden will be dropped off at your house with all of his belongings with the social worker, as soon as court is adjourned. Being that Mrs. Lavigne needs Ms. Jordan to recuse her parental rights to adopt the boy, the request is denied because Ms. Jordan refuses to do so. Court Dismissed.”

I wasn’t happy about the adoption but I was happy that he can finally come home. Before I could even speak, Avery came and slapped the shit out of Jeremiah.

“I HATE YOU!!! HOW DO YOU TURN MY SON AGAINST ME TO CHOSE HER OVER ME! JUST LIKE YOU’VE DONE FOR YEARS!!!” She screamed.

I went to jump up and defend him, but Jeremiah stopped me.

“I will never allow him to be alone with you. I will never allow him to disrespect you, but you don’t get to disrespect my wife. I did that years ago, when I stepped out of my marriage to create Aiden, and it will stop today. Olivia has been nothing but wonderful to him, unlike you have, that’s why he chose her over you.” He turned to me and reached out to grab my hand.

“Our son is waiting for us.”

And we left to go home. Sure enough Aiden and the social worker were waiting in the car outside of our house when we pulled up.

I couldn’t hurry enough to get out of the car, apparently neither could Aiden. By the time I came around to the back of the car, he was running towards me. I dropped down on my knees and he threw his body into me, hugging me.

I was crying, my baby is home, and I am never letting him go.

Xavier

Living by myself has been an adventure. Not in a good way either. I miss my wife, and I miss my girls. I think that it’s crazy that Kamryn wants a divorce. I gave her, the space she asked for, and I thought she would want me back, but she only asked for a divorce.

What’s even crazier, is that we have amazing sex still. Which pushes back our separation papers. Legally we have to be separated for 6 months, before getting a divorce meaning every time we have sex, the clock re-starts. Yet, we are in each other’s bed every week, when we trade off on the girls.

Which is where we are now. We just got done fucking and it was amazing, I don’t know why I ever cheated on her, but I regret it everyday.

She instantly got up to go to the bathroom, to clean herself up and she came back and got dressed.

“Are you going to stay the night?” I asked her.

“Nope. Mom has the girls, have to get back.” She said back to me.

“But, you can stay.”

She sighed, “Xavier, this is just sex, I just want your dick. You know that you’re the only person I have ever been with. We are still getting a divorce, Plus you have a ‘woman friend’ whatever she is.”

She was right, I was seeing Callie again. I was mad at the girls that they told her, but I know its hard to keep things from Kam. But She didn’t seem to mind, and neither did I, so we kept up our arrangement. But with Callie, everything was different this time, and we were actually happy. But I couldn’t stay away from Kamryn. Sometimes, it seems like Kam is happy that I have someone else.

“I’m not staying because she lives here with you, don’t give me that face, the girls tell me everything. Im not staying, because I fell out of love with you, years ago. We just have sex and we co-parent. That’s it.”

As soon as she got dressed, Callie walked into the room and say me naked in bed and Kam leaving.

Kam just chuckled, said bye to me and patted Callie on the shoulder, “You now know how I feel Calliope.” and walked out.

“Really Xavier? My bed? When it was reversed, I had the decency not to step in HER HOUSE!” She said with tears in her eyes.

I really couldn’t say anything, because I wasn’t sorry. I cared about Callie, I cared about our relationship but I care about Kamryn more. Callie knew that.

“Next time, keep her out of my bed.” She mumbled, slamming the bed room door, leaving me alone in my bliss of Kamryn.

Dominic

Today was the day. The day that my doctor clears me, and I don’t have to walk with assistance, I would still go to PT but not that much, and I could finally start driving. These past 18 months has been absolutely draining, with me being in a coma, the birth of my daughter, the uphill battle between Giselle and I. I can genuinely say that everyone is in a phenomenal place.

Giselle decided to stay after our agreement, and I couldn’t have been happier. She was everything to me, and now I had my family back and this time we’re going to do this right.

“Daddy, can I hang out with Sage at Aunt Liv’s?” Angel said running in the room, with a new walking Dominique behind her.

I smiled at both of my daughters. They were absolute perfection. I slowly stood and bent to pick up Dominique from the floor, I knew that she was soon to put anything in her mouth. She instantly laid her head on my shoulder and put her fingers in her mouth.

“I don’t care, you have to ask your mother though. She’d have to take you.” I said to her.

She instantly sighed, “But she’s going to tell me no.”

“You don’t know until you ask.”

“Fine. But I already know the answer.” She stormed out the room, and as soon as she left, Niq started to whine and reach out to Angel.

“Angel, Niq wants you!” I yelled.

“She’s been following me all day! Keep her!!” She yelled back, going to find Giselle

I soothed her as best as I could, and whispered in a baby voice “Your sissy, is a big meanie huh?”

That instantly had her laughing.

“Cmon, let’s find your mommy and brother in the house.”

At Physical therapy, along with my doctor, they were checking my motor functions as well as where I had gotten shot.

It was a miracle that I am getting out of this now. I should’ve been paralyzed for the rest of my life. But it’s nothing but the Grace of God and I am truly thankful.

Giselle was sitting in the seat, and I know that she was anxious to hear what the doctors had to say because she was constantly shaking her leg.

“Baby, please calm down.” I chuckled at her.

She rolled her eyes, “I can’t, I just want them to say everything is good. I’m nervous.”

I shook my head and followed through with my session.

About and hour later, my doctor told me that he wants to see me walking without any assistance.

“Where do you want to walk to?” I asked.

He sat in silence for a minute and asked Giselle about 25 Feet in front of me and she got up and walked to the spot.

I was kind of nervous because she had never seen me walk by myself. In the house, I typically walk with a cane or a walker or if I’m with the kids, they hold my hand and give me strength to not lose my balance.

At first, it was a struggle, but I just kept looking at Giselle, and I knew that everything was going to be okay. She was crying, but tried to wipe it away, so I wouldn’t see, but it just made me happier. When I got about 5 feet in front of her, she told me that my shoe was untied.

I bent down to tie my shoe,

“Is everything Okay D? I can do it for you” She called out.

“I’m good, I promise.” I said to her,

I then acted like I was getting back up, but instead I took the ring box out of my pocket and got on one knee.

She looked at me with wide eyes and covered her mouth. I took her left hand, and said

“I’ve known you since you were 15 and I fell in love with you on day one, back in the principal’s office. We were torn apart and brought back together so many times, I don’t know how you still love me or put up with me. Not only are you raising our beautiful children, you’ve accepted my daughter as your own, which made me love you even more because you didn’t have to.

You stayed when I was in the hospital, you were there when I didn’t have anyone else. That time when you did leave and the times we were apart from each other, my heart ached for you. Without you Gi, my life is meaningless, sad, and incomplete. I want to spend every single day with you, until I’m gone.

Yes, we are already married but we’ve never had the actual experience of being married. I have asked this question so many times, under different circumstances each time, now I want to get it right this time, here, today, when I walked to you and all I could see was you at the end of my journey, I want to ask it for the final time.

Giselle Marie Boudreaux, will you make me the happiest man on this planet, and marry me?”

By the time I finished talking she had tears rolling down her face.

“Of Course I will Dominic.”

#THEY GETTING MARRIED #again

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strictly-confectional · 5 years ago

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Who is your fave SCP???

oh god anon ive had a lot of favorites and im not sure if i remember all of them but i guess i can toss out at least SOME of what ones i like. also not all of them are "who"s, i have a number of favorite SCPs that are relatively inanimatethese are in not entirely any particular order, but i guess i'll lump them by categories for ease of reading-food-related:SCP-348 (bowl of soup; this one's mainly just sweet and not unnerving at all (except for One testing log is a little bit))SCP-261 (the pan-dimensional vending machine... its just neat)SCP-458 (pizza box that when touched replicates the person's favorite pizza)SCP-294 (the coffee machine that dispenses any liquid you type in... again I Just Think It's Neat)animals:SCP-529 (Josie the Half-Cat... she's a kitty idk what anyone expected of me)SCP-530 (Carl the Variable Dog.. again. just friend and boy material... also it feels illegal to separate mentions of him from mentions of Josie since i think people know of josie more than they do about carl and thats sad to me)SCP-511 (unnerving, fair warning for some body horror type descriptions. anomalous "cat" that lives amongst a cat colony. the colony show signs of neglect and 511 itself sounds uhhh... zombie-like but also frankenstien-like are the least upsetting ways i can warn, i think.)humanoids:SCP-2428 (Mr. Mad from the Dr. Wondertainment series. only appears to one person at a time as a hallucination. hes nothing too weird or scary really i just Like Him.. the entire wondertainment series is interesting but i've never been sure of the reading order of the tales for it and i think ive missed several, but like... its worth looking into. surely there's a list somewhere for best reading order)SCP-2396 (Ms. Sweetie, also a Wondertainment scp. produces candies within a 6km radius of herself that only affect masculine-identified humans into... basically big humanoid candy-creatures (but sometimes.. unicorns))SCP-030 ('Ariel', small clayish animate statue? i guess. i dont really understand whats going on with this one but they're Neat)misc:SCP-700 (building with somewhat-animate graffiti, little bit spooky but interesting. some body horror in part of this as it implies the building sort of.. 'consumes' people in order for said graffiti to show up?)SCP-2295 (patchworky teddy bear; anomalously makes replacement cloth organs to replace damaged ones on nearby humans, there is literally nothing scary or bad about this little dude (fair warning for One (1) sad test log entry though))SCP-999 (big mass of orange slime. acts "dog-like". literally.... friend and boy. i love you 999)SCP-3999 ("I Am At The Center Of Everything That Happens To Me"/Researcher Talloran. its... its just? i don't know what to say about this one it's really weird but like? i loved it? i think i should warn maybe for unreality and implications of s uicide though)also you did not ask for anything non-SCP article from me but if i dont proclaim my love for Duke Till Dawn in this answer somewhere i might have to shrivel up and diei also "like" SCP-1981 ("Ronald Reagen Cut Up While Talking") but i say like in quotes because i hold an intense amount of fearful hate for that one actually. idk why that one gets to me but it really did so i absolutely DESPISE it but it gets honorable mention for being one of few i can remember having that much fear impact on me.this got SUPER long im sorry... you opened an absolute can of worms here because even though i forget numbers all the time for these i have a Bit of a special interest about SCPs. i’m gonna reblog this from myself to add links just so i Know this shows in tags because. i am a fool and i want more people to know some of these SCPs specifically

#asks #Anonymous #scp

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solarianradiance · 6 years ago

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*deep inhale* a lot more people in the hs fandom would openly ship things like johnrose and dirkjane if other more toxic ppl in the fandom didn't attack those who ship stuff like that... but that's just my theory

I understand that the world can be a rather dickish place, but things like shipping get easier once you rationalize certain things about detractors

JohnRose and DirkJane harms no one, in any capacity, except perhaps peoples feelings, which are benign at worst, because they’ll get over it and theres better stuff to do than get mad over fictional characters and anyone who says otherwise is likely a cultist

As in

An actual cultist

Because they treat the characters like religious icons more than anything else, and they demand that you accept their version of canon as Gospel.

The word “Fan” does come from the word “Fantatic” for a a significant reason

Essentially, they’re trying to convert you to their faith… often through verbal abuse.

For me, It makes it a lot easier to just simply ignore them, and ship what I want to ship when them as such.

I say this in a connotation of pity instead of hate, because it drives my point home. I used to get mad alot myself too when I saw characters I liked be depicted in ways I didn’t agree with. Then I realized it really was just fiction and all of my feelings are the result of that fiction, meaning it was all a literal figment of my imagination, and I was letting others manipulate me through my emotions

“Wait, why am I mad about this? Its not real, I got better shit to do than get upset over this silly stuff about people mashing their dolls called characters together. I got my own dolls called characters and I can do it too! And I like my version better anyways! I dont need their approval, I just wanna do what makes happy!”

Sure, words can still hurt because someone said them about you specifically, butt you will learn not to care about what they think or feel because those people dont either. Remember, its ok to get a lil Jaded, and its ok to ignore people, you dont have to respond if you dont want to.

I ship John♥Kanaya, they hold hands alot, they kiss eachother, and they spend time together with their wife ♥Rose♥, and then they do the sex thing together.

And if people dont like, thats ok, they don’t have to, and im fine with that. I got better shit to do~

Take their hate and throw it back with love. They looks like fools to the rest of the world in the end if they still hate you afterwords.

Ship what you want, do as you will.

#homestuck

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chaeruls · 3 years ago

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february 14th 2019

that was the day when everything starts. but like all stories, it always has an end--and sadly... this one ends too soon. i guess.

i guess i owe u a lot. explanations, thoughts, kind words, i could've treat u better, for all i know... i tried. i don't know why i write this or what i'm going to write for that matter. i'm...so sad, let's just put it that way. but anyway, i guess i'm just gonna. because when i'm sad and i can't really put it through my lips, i'm just gonna put it here with my fingers.

i miss u.

back in 2019 at feb 14th (or 13th actually), i wasn't sure how it's gonna go. it's just like some other day, im just trying to suck out all the life could give me, yet i'm throwing it all away like i always did. there's something different though, i know how it started but i don't really wanna put it here. i guess we both know. we were just fooling around (virtually anyway), didn't realize that it's just gonna get so real soon. i didn't really remember what i had for dinner that made me filled with courage to knock at your door that night. i didn't even know how it's gonna end. well now we know, it ends badly :') just 3 yrs later.

it was beautiful, that night, kind of funny too. always funny to remember that i had to sit on ur front door waiting bcs u were trying to look beautiful. i guess u think i didn't know but i did anyway. well i'm not stupid, not really though... i'm so stupid in many other ways. but somehow you always try to make me understand about things. lots of things. i guess i'm not so smart, not so cool either. you made me feel like im cool, knowing great songs that i haven't yet known. you made me a playlist with that blue heart as a title. in fact i'm listening to songs from that playlist while i'm writing this. i'm not so good with this. this...situation. i always fuck up everything. i can't control myself. i'm just...too sad. i know it doesn't justify every words that may have hurt you.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i have been so horrible. i tried. but it's just... so overwhelming right now and once again i know it doesn't justify everything every word i said that have hurt u. it's happened. it always happened like that. something's upsetting, getting mad, and just crying for days after. that is just my days since 2017 i guess. not so really no but yeah, most days are just like that. not so much though, when i'm with u. idk why i'm not with u right now, but my other half feel like that i somehow know. i know u deserve better anyway.

sigh......i'm tired. i actually wanted to just recap everything. every moments with you. all the good times, the bad times and how we overcame it. but i just......can't. my head's spinning too fast. i can barely eat or even sleep. idk how. idk how you are but i hope you are doing much better.

i guess i miss u. or not guessing but yea i actually miss you. im just here singing along to the playlist just to hold my tears off of my face. looking to the painting you gave me on our anniversary. fuck really. fuck my life. when i told you i'm done. i really am done, not with u actually but with my life. i'm just putting it all on u, and i'm so soooo sorry. i know sorry doesn't mean a thing but...sigh idk.

i'm just recounting every moments we had. the last we kissed, the last we hugged. fuck really fuck myself. fuck me. i can't. i'm sorry. i miss u but i know what i did was horrible, and i know i do really really know that i don't deserve u. i feel bad you know. feeling bad because i can't be the guy you wanted. i can't be the guy you dreamed of. i can't be someone you seek help to, i can't be normal like most guys in their 26s. and maybe i'm selfish, to think that i have to let my heartbreak just because i think you're better off without me. because i was feeling bad about it. i know you'd accept me, but i can't accept myself. i just wanna be gone forever from everyone. i haven't even talk to anyone. i haven't check my phone for anything else other than some stupid games and netflix. i feel like im just disappointing everyone. i just wanna be not here i guess. more so right now. i can't stop hurting myself. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i really am i can't stop crying i'm sorry i have to stop writing this. i can't.

i hope you be well always. i loved u with all my heart, i never lied about being in love with you, i never lied when i say i missed u, but i guess i'm just gonna lie to u now that i don't love you. i'm sorry.

wish all the good things in life for you, putri, my putri.

june 1st 2022, c.s

#fmp

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90at90 · 6 years ago

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25/90: Plastic Cups Part 2: The Betrayal

We have a good start to this breakfast. I go to get my Coke Zero, and disposable plastic cups are back! I had previously mentioned how they are fun even if a bit smaller than the nomrl ones, but these emergency replacement cups are actually bigger than normal! Score! Great start.

To continue the good streak, I saw someone with a whole donut. There’s always donut holes on the weekend, but a whole donut? Surely not. I check and there they are, entire donuts! In several flavors too. This is where things get bittersweet before they get bitter.

They have football shaped cookies and sports team colored cupcakes. At face value, it’s just a fun way to celebrate the big game today. But what are the implications?

The 90 celebrates a football game more than Halloween.

This is the beginning of the betrayal, but it is only the tip of the iceberg. I make my way towards the breakfast section, and that is when the knife is planted deep in my back. There is no breakfast. None. It’s just gone. There’s just mad and cheese, vegetables, and whatever dried up meat they’re offering.

The 90 is advertised as offering “brunch” from 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM on weekends. Did I sleep in past 4:00? As I type this, a gruesome thought occurs to me. Is this the new normal? I shudder to even imagine it, but could breakfast on the weekends be gone forever?

My breakfast crusade has a simple reason behind it, but it bears explaining. It’s simple: the breakfast food at The 90 is consistently better than the lunch and dinner food. I don’t want to eat bean soufflé or whatever the heck they’re offering in what is supposed to be the breakfast section. The grill isn’t even operating right now, so there’s no chicken nuggets or anything. I’m already a picky eater and the questionable quality of this establishment is not the right setting to branch out and try new things.

So I’m eating cereal. When I could be eating sausage and biscuits, or maybe even Stromboli most divine. They are offering French toast on the Mongolian grill, but I’m saving room for a donut, so course 2 will be peanut butter toast.

I even like Mac and cheese, which they are offering, but I just got out of bed! Im not an animal, I eat certain foods at certain times of the day. It’s what gives them power mentally. Order is important to me, so is ritual. Doing things the right way. Mac and cheese is not for breakfast. At least I have a gallon of Coke Zero to drink.

BREAKING UPDATE: There is breakfast pizza at the pizza station, the kind with the sausage that looks like dog treats. I might be too full to eat it now, and also the whole concept is a little weird.

The peanut butter toast is fine. I preferred it in the real toaster we used to have. The conveyor belt burns the edges, but I can eyeball it in the actual toaster. I just have to trust the conveyor belt and hope I put the right number.

A brief peak inside my mind: the conveyor belt toaster can handle multiple pieces of toast at a time, but only one setting. If the second person wants to adjust the setting, they would alter the toastedness of the first person’s toast. The only thing to do would be wait for the time period where only the second person’s toast would be inside the conveyor belt and then adjust the knob past where they want it to compensate. I am pretty certain the knob just affects the speed of the belt. Assuming there is an optimal amount of time that each person wants their toast in the toaster, it would be realistically possible to calculate the amount of time needed before they put their toast in after another person’s toast so that after the first toast leaves the knob could be overadjusted to fit make the second person’s toast stay inside the toaster for the ideal amount of time. Of course, it would be impossible to calculate a lot of these variables such as the exact amount of time that suits each person’s toast tastes best. It would be realistic to calculate toast speeds/times at different knob settings. I do not think that I am a smart person for having these thoughts, just a person who thinks about toast and is mildly obsessive, and it’s just a thought experiment, I will not be doing toast tests anytime soon, promise.

My peanut butter toast got cold while I typed that. Is that ironic, coincidental, or fitting? I’m not sure, but I can barely stop myself from launching into another tirade.

Okay, wow, the donut makes up for a lot of the other things. It’s probably most closely comparable to Krispy Kreme, it’s got that texture down. Holy moley. I got the kind with the chocolate icing on top and it’s making my heart race (probably the sugar rush). Now this is a donut. It’s a good looking donut and it tastes as good as it looks. It was worth coming out this morning, and donuts are technically breakfast food, right? Right?

59/90

59/90 with all 59 points being provided by the donut, I’m very upset that The 90 didn’t offer any savory breakfast food for “brunch”. Donuts, French toast, and Mac and cheese is not brunch, but nice try fooling me.

PS I wonder if they know people will notice. I wonder if I’m the only one that notices. Do people just show up and eat food without thinking too hard about it? Am I the only person who shows up and expects certain things? Maybe there’s a small group of people like me out there, hidden amongst the mindless food eaters. There’s a few people I see here frequently, maybe they’re like me too. Probably not, I really doubt anyone else is running a blog for this place.

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joshterry · 6 years ago

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When I was just getting started in my career, I worked for a lot of different people. Some of them yelled at me, some of them encouraged me, others paid me little attention, some treated me well, & others were jerks. They all taught me something whether they meant to or not.

One guy bit my head off one time after I answered the phone & flubbed over my words. He told me if I didn’t learn how to use the phone to my advantage when dealing with people I’d never make a dime doing this & would end up working at Kinko’s (kids Kinko’s used to be this place where people went to make copies & the people that worked there were idiots who’s job it was to make copies for people who couldn’t make copies themselves). I thought “all my friends communicate by email or text or AOL IM or posting on MySpace. No one needs to be good at talking on the phone.” Truth was I was a little intimidated & afraid of confrontation & it was easier to hide behind a computer screen then to deal with issues head verbally. But that entire summer, in an attempt to not get yelled at again, I listened to every call he had. I studied his tone, how his personality changed based on who he was talking to or what they were discussing, the way he’d word things as he was negotiating or trying to get a point across, how he’d end each call making every person feel heard & like they won. I slowly found my “ oice" on the phone & when I eventually started managing & booking my own bands, promoters & label people would tell me when we first met after months of talking on the phone “I thought you were in your 40’s based on how you talk on the phone.” I was 22. The lion share of the work I do now happens over the phone. AOL IM & MySpace are dead.

Another former boss who ran a venue once told me I lacked confidence & conviction in my words most days. I was shy and didn’t want to screw up, so I came off as a bit timid. I wouldn’t always say what I wanted & instead just tried to not bother anyone. I would go to shows & watch as he interacted with bands, customers & his crew. There was no doubt he was the boss, but also that the people around him respected him & listened to him. He said “if you can’t convince people you believe in your own words, you’re not much of a leader and no band much less anyone else is ever gonna listen or trust you.” Putting that into practice forced me out of my shell & made me better with working with other people. Very rarely do I say something I don’t believe in, and very rarely do I worry if my words upset anyone either. I choose what I say based off what needs to happen at the moment and not whether everyone agrees with me all the time or not.

One boss I worked with when things were going well for me noticed I’d get frustrated & irritated easily. I’m a perfectionist & anytime something went wrong I took it personally & felt it was a reflection of all the work I put in & I didn’t want others to think I wasn’t up to par at my job. So I overcompensated by constantly venting my frustrations & making it seem like anything that went wrong certainly couldn’t have been my fault, it had to be because everyone else was an idiot. If I’m honest now I can say 60% of the time it was my fault and 40% of the time I was dealing with idiots, but in my role I was supposed to be responsible even if an idiot screwed something up. It was my ship to steer. He said once “JT sometimes you act so bitter and jaded, you gotta lose that attitude or people aren’t going to want to work with you, or at the very least you’ll have a stroke.” It helped me carry myself better even in periods of intense stress and frustration. I’m no Tony Robbins by any stretch but I try not to sweat the small things so much and people get under my skin far less than they used to. I also apologize when I make a mistake or don’t catch something instead of trying to push it off onto someone else. I still think there are plenty of idiots I’m forced to work with but I now bite fewer people’s heads off over small things that are easily fixable.

One time a boss asked me to play some bands I was listening to. They all sounded the same and he brutally made fun of me in front of everyone. He asked "why do you like all these bands?” My response, this is just what I know so I just listen to a lot of the same stuff. He said, “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If you only listen to what you know, how will you know if you like anything else. You can’t just enjoy one thing your whole life, you need to find a lot of stuff you dig and let your tastes change.” To this day he still listens & works with some of the coolest bands I’ve heard of and is always thinking about what’s now instead of what was then. It’s helped me try to diversify what I sign, what I listen to for pleasure and to pay attention to the people who work for me or who are around me, to see where trends are going and get a gauge on what they’re passionate about. Music is subjective so my opinion doesn’t matter as much as what others seem to be perking up to.

When I was planning to start my own company, a colleague asked “why’re you so hesitant to pull the trigger.” I listed off a mile of things such as what if I don’t make enough money, what if my bands leave me, what if I’m not as good as I think I am, what if I encounter things I don’t know what to do, what if my peers perceive me as a failure for trying to do this as the “little guy.” He stopped me and said “If you’re more worried about what other people think, than what you think, then you shouldn’t do this. But to me doesn’t seem like you’ve failed as much as you worry you’re gonna fail and anyone that doesn’t believe in you, no matter where you work or what your job title is, isn’t going to believe in you anyway, so screw ‘em.” It was remarkable what losing that fear did for my ability to speed up the process. Very rarely do I concern myself now with how I’m perceived, I’m too busy doing all the work that I have instead.

I’m sure there’s plenty more stories I’ve witnessed over the years that have shaped me for the good or the bad. The one about the guy I worked for who once got drunk at a show & while talking to a band he was trying to sign, he peed all over himself. That’s a good one, he still signed the band somehow, but I don’t get drunk at shows because of that because I never want to be “that guy” that’s making the night more about his good time than the job he is being paid to do. Or that sketchy promoter I used to work for who use to walk in the other room to take calls or be very closed off with information, as he was trying to embezzle money from people, or sell drugs, or evade paying his taxes. I don’t sell drugs or try to cheat anyone out of money and I always pay my taxes early because of that. Or that boss who used to get so mad at people that he’d throw his phone against the wall, he scared the crap out of me (and probably his clients) and made me not want to ask him questions. That fool went through like 10 office phones in 3 months and got fired over and over again by his bands for the same reason, he was impossible to work with. I now make an effort to never do anything that intimidates anyone who works for me from asking a question and I’m pretty sure in 18 years I’ve only thrown my phone twice and neither time it broke. And to this day I have a good relationship with all of my clients past & present and I’m pretty sure no one goes around saying “that guy did me wrong."

We’re all not as good as we think we are sometimes yet often we all expect a participation trophy for just showing up. Things aren’t usually as big of a deal as we make them out to be. We could all stand to check our ego a little more often & focus on how to improve our situation through learning and listening and putting into practice the opportunities that are all around us. It could all go away tomorrow and for some of the people mentioned above I also got to witness when it actually did and how they dealt with it when it did. Whenever I see someone from my past who helped teach me something, whether a good or bad habit. I always say hello, try to buy them dinner or a drink & thank them, even if at the time or still today I don’t really like them. I’m pretty sure without their help or nudge in a different direction than where I was heading, I’d probably be working at Kinko’s now making someone else’s copies because I wouldn’t have applied myself to do anything other than making someone else’s copies.

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themariotheme · 4 years ago

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okay i am Not Having A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

#personal #long post #dont read it tbh ily but if u do ilyt

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erosjeon · 7 years ago

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A rant; most of you will relate in a way

First of all, to all bullies out there just know that you're insignificant and a waste of air. Spread love not hate.

Okay so here we go. To help you get a small idea of my personality, I'm a mixture of Suga and Jungkook and I have severe trust issues when it comes to specific things I will touch upon later. I am a shy person needless to say and very quiet and observant so I'm able to pick up people's personality quite quickly.

To start of, I study a very competitive course at college/university so a lot of the people i meet and work with either are friends with me for mutusl help and benefit or to just simply use me. From my previous experience at school, i had developed trust issues with people regarding how well i do when it comes to exams becaude I was bullied LOADS for getting an A, people would ask me "Why the hell would you say you're stressed? You were just lying" & "You probably eat your book and you tell us your procrastinating" and bla bla and I really was, back then I'd used kpop as a way to stress relief but i managed to understand things although never finishing revision which makes me really stressed for the exam which is normal for any test taker right?

Anyhow! Fast forward to first year college, as a few would know it's really big and you dont usually get to make really personal friendships or relationships, i had focused that year to do really well since I had failed to get into medical school due to a stupid entrance exam, i wont deny that I'm a bright person in science so I managrd to do really well (after seeing my results) that year with however, much difficulty.

This one girl which i was acquaintances with had approached me that summer and kept sticking to me and clearly was using me for something i didnt know well, so when she asked me how did you find the exams? With honesty i said really difficult because i found all the exams difficult and hadnt managed to complete my revision. When i had gotten my results, I was like oh wow thats an amazing average but since I had told her I didnt do AMAZING, my phobias kicked in and i asked my best friend who didnt attend the same university for advice, and she said " if you dont even know her then dont tell her you can trust anyone because the course your in is practically the hunger games for people who want to do medicine " so i was like your right and i dont owe this girl anything, she kept bothering me for my exact % so i couldnt actually tell her the truthful one because like o said...' i didnt do amazing'

Fast forward second year after that, she stole a friend of mine that i made in my first year and i confronted her that she's pissing me off and i dont appreciate her trying to keep people away from me but i left them both anyway to focus on my studied cos they got so much harder, i suffer from anxiety and through summer it had slipped from my mouth to her and so she knee something about me, we made up 4 months afterwards and we helped each other by giving recordings of lectures if the other couldnt come and helping with assignments and let me make this clear (i had helped her when she asked me for help and i helped her when she asked me and I knew the question or something) i had also made another friend who knew sara, i liked her personality but again everyone in this course wants to know how everyone did and i had to keep my grade consistent. Like any normal human i struggled a lot and complained when they complained and etc, i was in a lot of stress but thankfully second year went alright not that good but its okay, the same story goes i had came up tp many exams knowong 3 or 4 topics out of 20 but i was lucky for most of the questions coming up on them, im good at picking out questions. The two girls had become friends also towards that summer.

Now in my third year, as always they've bothered me with my grades and I had no trust for them, because if you tell them you did well they will cast you out and try to make you fail. I didnt talk with any of them outside college and we were no where close, we just worked in groups and etc if it had to come to it. Just today i had sent an email to my tutor for a presentation i wouldnt be able to attend because of my illness, i had screenshotted the email and sent it to them because i wanted to let them know of the situation and that its all good cos the tutor said its fine.

One of the girls had looked up my grades using my id and found my grade, i am not feeling well and they both know but for some reason they cornered me just like i got bullied at school and got accused of using them? I had never used them because when you ask someone for something and they also ask you and you give, its called mutual benefit, so i was like if you were my friends you'd be happy, i didnt mean to lie about it but then i got accused of making up times i struggled and stressed, when they said that I knew saying anything more was useless and I was just getting more ill and anxious from it.

It was so funny to see how they completely switched a 180° on me, if i had used them and never helped i would be able to understand but i didnt trust any of them, the girl who had stolen both my friends and she made me unable to trust any, i just sat down and thought why couldn't anyone mind their own business? We all got similar coursework grades and they'd usually get higher but my exams balanced it.

This year i am struggling more because of family issues and my illness so obviously before this drama i had complained when they did that i had a lot to do, so much to catch up with which is piling up till today since I'm taking rest.

It had upsetted me, i wont deny that because I'm not suffering from a flu or just some fly by sickness, they were aware of it and knew that my anxiety would probably spike but they didnt care. Sadly, i had cared whenever they had a "flu" and stayed home and would be worried sick about them.

Ahh..Since this blog is completely anonymouss it helps to get things out and even with 1k followers which is an impossibly micro fraction of the world's population I want to let as many people as I can to never let someone control how you feel, no matter how much or little they mean to you.

All of my friends had laughed about how little trust they had to search for my grades and my family are as speechless as I am, I'm mad that I got hate for doing well, i write on this blog, keep up with BTS 24.7 and watch kdramas... i procrastinate a lot and its not a lie to fool anybody so ughhh. I dont care about them but it makes me angry and sad that i was wronged and accused of using them... i cant even.

I just need a hug, being a person who had self loath and depression which is evident in many of my works it's becoming hard for me to love myself.

#bts #army #rant #kpop #angst #fiction #anons #what do you think #advice #anxiety #bullying #school

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survivorreelsmagicwithin · 4 years ago

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Episode 13- “lines aren't drawn yet and this game isn't over”-Lily

I VOTED THE RIGHT WAY!! FOR ONCE. IN. MY. LIFE!! And it really feels so great! I feel really bad, Landen is a GREAT player and if he was in final three no matter who he was sitting next to I am pretty sure I would have voted for him. The fan in me is so mad at myself right now and if this series has an All Stars season I will start a petition for Landen to be cast! Right now I am hoping that I can salvage my relationship with Lily but it feels great to have numbers on my side for once! I was never super close to ANY of these people except for maybe Kevin but I think that we all work good together and that vote was easy peasy with zero drama!

6 minutes later

ALSO, my favorite quote of the day today was from Chips, I am still cackling- Me: Telling Chips that I'm scared I'm going to vote wrong and that I haven't made my rounds bc I'm watching real Survivor, bla bla bla.... and I congratulate him again for winning immunity. Chips: I hope I vote right this round. Chips: Glad you can't vote me again HAHAHA I love how honest and to the point he is and how he isn't afraid to call me out, I am so dead, LOL.

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF. Just a big ole oof. wowza. Am I the biggest fool that there ever was??? YOU BETCHA. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LANDENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN WHY!? What a crazy game this is and as per usual blessed to still be playing but I'm in my lazy boy crying about Landen getting the boot. Played with that kid since day 1! Ultimate duo. Love you but why you gotta leave me hanging on a single autumn vote?????? The only good thing to come of this is now I'm a free agent. At least I made F7 my favorite number at least now I can go out with some dignity. I shot my shot and I got my best bud out of the game. Oop. So screw what I said at tribal council, lines aren't drawn yet and this game isn't over.

2 hours later

Am I going to go absolutely nuts today? Yeah, probably. Ruthie is the only one online right now and I’m trying to make something happen. If I think about the dynamics going on right now it’s clear to me that autumn and chips are on the outs with Joanna, juls, Kevin, and Ruthie working together on the last vote. I can also tell that Kevin and Ruthie don’t want to vote for me so that at least gives me decent odds of making it through this vote. However they will most likely go for autumn as Ruthie has already suggested. This will most likely lead into me getting voted out around 5th if Kevin continues to win immunity challenges. I’m wondering if I can work with Kevin and Ruthie on this vote to get out Joanna I might be in a better position in the next coming cotes. That leaves a lot of big threats still in the game including the ruthie/Kevin duo. I know I can’t be too pushy with this group but I gotta try to make something happen otherwise what’s the point.

As far as tonight goes I am covering ALL my bases and both groups of Kevin, Juls and Joanna as well as Autumn, Lily and Chips think I am voting with them... LOL. This is honestly going to come back to bite me in the ass, I feel it coming! It is nearing end game and I just NEED to vote smartly. I feel like if I can gain Lily's trust and vote with them this round maybe I can get her to turn on Autumn and we can vote Autumn out next round. I don't know who would be good to sit next to at the end right now, but with the position I'm in now I feel like Kevin will eventually try to get rid of me so that he could sit next to Juls and Joanna at the end and possibly win? UGH, I still don't know what I'm doing this round but I think that I am going to vote with Lily, Autumn and Chips as long as I keep a good read on them. My only other concern is if I need to tell Kevin I'm doing this before the vote or not. I'm just going to keep an open mind and figure it out when it gets to that. I feel like such a villain and I don't know how I feel about that!!

I almost won one :(

hello hello its me, so i won immunity this round in a TIEBREAKER !! thank god i took my time to think about that one, funnily enough my original guess was gonna be 39 just with the math i did in my head (the actual answer was 38) but i figured i wasn't giving people enough credit so i bumped it up to 41, i was even considering 43, but im glad i didn't whew. anyways enough about the challenge but i won a memory comp so i wanted to touch on that because thats exciting. Alrighty well today has been pretty tame as far as the vote goes, it's almost 30 minutes before tribal and the chat with myself joanna juls and ruthie all agreed chips was a good vote out, i spoke to lily who said she heard autumn's name but i didn't hear that but i do think voting autumn would be smart. My only concern is i think autumn is a good person for me to use as someone i can get votes on next round if i lose immunity, she has been involved in a LOT of stuff in this game she was involved in the owen flip, the ruthie flip even though she was idoled and then even the jules flip, like she's been in everyones ear but people dont really see it, but i think lily does. And so if i can keep autumn as someone to campaign against if i lose immunity i feel like i have a shot at staying next round without immunity. HOWEVER, BREAKING NEWS, juls just told me that chips told her that he thinks it might be her going home, saying that the people who think she is close to me are saying that. Which could be true, but it could also be a tactic to try and get juls to flip or maybe misplay an idol, theres so many things that are going on. In a perfect world chips goes home, then autumn and then idk what at 5. If juls DOES go i think potentially bounce back, i think i could work with ruthie and lily as og hufflepuffs and i dont think joanna would necessarily outright target me over ruthie or lily. But it's dangerous because right now joanna is in the middle and as she proved last round she is willing to do whatever she has to and i think she lied to landen REALLY well so im nervous. I'm considering getting lily and juls and just voting autumn and if they try anything it could go 3-3-1 or potentially if we are not being lied to it goes 3-2-2 which gets out my target for next round, and breaks my trust even more with joanna, who vocalized how upset she was that i have lied to her/not voted with her. I think my best bet is to stick to the chips vote and give off the energy like im riding this group til the wheels fall off. If juls does go home, then i have to step my game up but honestly i have been in the drivers seat long enough in this game, if people want to make moves and take the heat off of me and just keep giving me blows to the perception that im potentially controlling things or at the center of the things? idek if thats the perception people have or maybe im just delusion and overhyping myself. I think i can sell my position in the owen/dan/landen votes as being less impactful than i think it really was. But autumn is smart, as is lily, they could see through me, but i think the calmness of landen not being here is helping me kinda sell the whole "see all that stuff was cause of landen!! not little ol me!!!" and if i continue to vote with the people i voted with last round i could make f5 in this game in a neat spot. But that's if people continue to trust me, which they would have reason not to but i hope that they do. This is such a calm round yet things are still so so so complex and layered. this game is genuinely something unlike anything I have played. Wish me luck im gonna need it.

Alright. So last round was a mess with Landen leaving and Lily trying to blindside Autumn. Not really conducive to an alliance sticking together when one votes out another and the other makes the attempt. To try to pull stuff back together Autumn and I pulled in Lily since she was just swindled into voting incorrectly... and picked up Ruthie since she would be in the bottom of what could be viewed as a trio going into six. Kevin can easily take Juls and Joanna to the end and win if she does not flip. And he will. So this round is either a confirmation of Kevin's win or it's an unlikely group of four voting for one of the people who would be taken to the end as a no-vote getter. I say unlikely group because Ruthie has voted me twice, I have voted her once, I have forced rocks against Lily, and Lily has voted Autumn. Yay team!

yall better not try it this round or there will be blood at Final 6. Here's to hoping everybody does what they're supposed to but if they don't, you can't save em all https://drive.google.com/file/d/1arE1qIyJHouJHyXGrNtW_bS8oYZEpUWb/view?usp=sharing

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