#IDK why this isn��t brought up often?

[tonya-the-chicken]

I wrote this post some time ago as a reply to someone and now I somehow want to post it again with some changes lol

TW: mentions of murder, referenced canon abuse and swearing

Let’s talk about redemption arcs and people’s overwhelming desire to punish fictional characters for what they did... Inspired by Endeavor hate ngl... I mostly speak about fictional charcters in this post so pllease, don’t go dumb and understand that fictional characters and irl people should be treated differently

I think sometimes people don`t understand why punishment exists in our society at all. Like, why couldn`t we just forgive? Why punishment is needed? Oh, I would like to talk about behavioural psychology, but it is kinda creepy so instead let`s remember what my teacher of LAWS said(idk what you call it in your bitchass America)

Punishment basically serves two functions:

Preventative (show others and a person that they can’t just get away with their deeds). Like, if you knew that there are no negative consequences, wouldn`t you do it? Wouldn`t you kill the old lady?

Correction and all work with a person in general (for example, you can be forced to go through some psychological help)

Also, I lied there’s one more: compensation. Like, if you stole something, then bring money back, you little shit. Or pay for therapy for your victim

So when we put it into stories and so popular nowadays redemption arcs (which I fucking adore if they are done correctly) we have 4 points out of this 3 cause the first one can be put into two

Character is punished to show others that this is not something you should do (it’s a kinda societal thing and has nothing to do with character in particular. This point in general is not interesting because it doesn’t drives changes in person by itself)

Character is punished so he himself would think twice before doing this shit again (we can’t know if person’s remorse is genuine so it’s better to simply scare them. But I can allow skipping this point if person’s remorse is clealy shown to be genuine and we as readers understand that. That’s probably the big distinction we, as readers, should see: while irl we never know persons true motives, work of fiction can provide them to us clearly)

Character changes and understands what is wrong in what he has done (the part of redemption we all love and enjoy)

Characters work hard to correct or atone for their mistakes

As we can see first two bullets has nothing to do with character development and serve for the purpose of maintaining order. The third one IS a character development and the last one is what makes people actually forgive horrible actions and not go ape shit I guess. But for some of us nothing is enough, isn`t it?

And there is one more shit that is often in redemption arcs and that shit is great and I fucking love it

Explanation of the character’s behaviour, their reasoning and motivation

I truly enjoy reading about WHY characters behave a certain way but people, remember, SAD BACKSTORY IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. Same goes to your mental problems and hard life situation. The fact that behaviour can be explained doesn’t mean shit. Like, behaviour also follows certain laws and despite the fact that it’s sometimes hard to understand all the details we still theoretically can explain ANY BEHAVIOUR. Does this mean we can excuse any behaviour? HELL NO

So remember folks, “They had their reasons to do this” means nothing most of the time. “I wanted to try how it feels” is actually a valid reason to kill someone, you know. Of course, if crimes is not severe, reasoning suddenly can be very important like we won`t punish harshly someone who stole bread cause he is starving or cause he has kleptomania (I mean as a literal disorder). But even in that case you must pay back money cause like stealing is bad but eat the rich

let`s talk examples from bnha cause why not

Endeavour

We have Enji oh my baby you have done so much stupid shit you dumbass. Sad backstory even if will be brought up in the future, currently is not a focus of redemption at all. Like, he even doesn`t explain his behaviour too much. “He want to be the strongest, so he decided that even if his genes will make it to the top it will be enough. As a result,  blinded by his goal,   he abused his family”. Basically, it`s all the explanation we have right now. And if Hori stops at it I will be fine with it. Honestly, as much as I want to learn more about Enji’s past if Horikoshi leaves everything at this I would give him nothing but mad respect cause... This kind of shows that your reasoning doesn’t matter that much if you did horrifying things

So 3 points to redeem someone

Enji didn’t suffer any punishment for his actions (nightmares are considered punishment only if you believe in God. Also, too weak, God, try harder... And same goes for High-End). When I think about him being punished I actually worry about society’s reaction cause, like, he is number 1 hero and the fact that he’s an abuser will be, like, very shocking to simple people.Trust in hero will fall harder than my will to live during 2020. And honestly, media would just turn this into a drama possibly hurting other members of his family, like.... Enji being legally punished for his action would be an interesting plotline but in general I am not a fan

We see his genuine remorse and character growth. We all agree that he even is drawn differently now changed and trying to become a better person, yeah? Clumsily at first, but he genuinely works hard to be a better peron, hero and father. I can respecct that

Compensation… Well, you can exactly “correct” trauma so he should pay up for psychologists for each child he probably should follow the path of atonement and try to give them something he robbed them from. Like, go to family dinners with Fuyumi even though every last one of them is a disaster and nobody is happy to be there. Or make everything possible to provide Rei calm life with her children (like building a new house, yes, this is an amazing thing) or at least become *reducted cause I wanna this post to be serious and SFW*... Tbh I have nothing to say, he himself says multiple times that he seeks nothing but atonment, not even forgiveness

So like you better work bitch to make your family happy bastard... [And tbh they seem so much better then when I first wrote this post, I am so proud of you, my garbage fire man]

Overhaul

In no way is he redeemed but somehow people put Overhaul and Endeavor stans in the same category so here he goes

Kai has something Enji doesn’t: very good and detailed explanation, a plan, a smart reasoning. His wrong deeds were basically for a better good he believed in. But we all collectively hate him for what he done to Eri despite his actions having r E A S o n S. Dude has some MOTIVATION. So like yeah bros. It makes him an interesting character and he is an amazing villain but dude deserves to rot in prisons. He shows no remorse and I am gonna bet he won`t even think about somehow helping others. Dude is a shitty person. And I fucking love him

So let’s go for our 3 bullets again

Punishment. Yes, he is punished, he is in jail with both his hands cut off. Would it make people forgive him? Nah

Personal growth. I would like to see it but as far we saw barely no growth... Though maybe being in jail without quirk will make his brain work

Atonement... Dude has a Messiah complex, I ain’t waiting for that anytime soon

So I asked myself if I had two men: one who spent a sentence in jail for child abuse but is more or less the same person and another who wasn’t punished for his abuse but feel genuine remorse and actively try to make things better who will I choose? Of course, I will choose Pikachu

But is it possible to redeem Overhaul? I wonder if there`s a force in this world strong enough to make him become a better person. Welp... I am a sucker for redemptions, justt letting you know

All for One

Oh, he is irredeemable (and this is sexy). Why is he here? Cause, well

Even if he is punished there`s no punishment severe enough to describe how horrifying his deeds are

Even if he is to feel remorse… he has like 500 years or something??? And he didn`t feel anything killing people??? So why would he change today?

Even if he atone for what he’s done… I am to believe he started at least a civil war. You can`t atone for that bitch. You crossed all fucking lines, all fucking lines

AfO is literally the most evvil man in bnha... I don’t want to see him redeemed cause I love characters that are pure evil and I love the despair of realizing you can’t fix what you have done. Though you are free to have a different opinion! Who knows, maybe Horikoshi will make a classy redemption for him and I will scream out of excitement? Cause I am that kind of bitch??? Who knows! I just love to think Doctor Ujiko is gay for him

Anyway, why do people like to make this characters suffer? Like, Endeavor, Minoru, Overhaul, many others? Is this part of the “punishment” to feel like person paid for their deeds? Or do people just like fictional violence and punishing “bad” characters make them feel good about themselves? Who knows

I have no idea what this post is about I want to sleep and I like Enji though if you dislike him this is fine. I hope it was interesting reading this, love you all bye

Don’t kill me for my controversial takes, I am depressed

[i-am-forever--bored]

How about an AU where Tony lost one or more limbs in Afghanistan and he and Bucky bond over their awesome prosthetics? (because let's be real, if Tony lost a limb there's no way he wouldn't make himself into an awesome cyborg) angst is likely and encouraged, but please do add some comfort with it. Thank you so much in advance

Okay I’m gonna be real here, I watched both The First Avenger and Iron Man to make this while also reading up about Bucky to learn more about his character. I actually really like this, a lot. but maybe I like angst a bit too much idk. I hope you enjoy this! (fic under the cut because it’s pretty fucking long)

Tony Stark is stubborn, prideful, and loyal, he strives for the best. He also doesn't want his life to mean nothing. So yes back in Afghanistan when he lost his leg he immediately made a new one, but that was mostly based off of Yinsen's small replacement. But that was only after they had cut off his right arm, which he could definitely say that making an arm and a leg definitely cost as much as the saying. That was one thing he brought home after Afghanistan, right after the iron suit fully functioning arms and legs were made for anyone with disabilities. Tony making them the lowest price he could for a endangered company.

Tony's arm was his ultimate nervous tick, his saving grace from his mind. If he needed a new plan he messed with it till he thought of something, if he was testing something that all he could do was wait he'd tinker. It kept him sane while he was stuck in his thoughts, it was the first thing he did right after he found out Barnes was the reason his parents died, a few parts and updates he had been wanting to add were there but he had been saving them for the perfect occasion. That had been the perfect occasion. He sat for what Pepper could swear was ten hours and he even moved on to work on his leg. At the time every malicious upgrade made up his sick fantasy of a payback story.

But thinking of Steve he kept everything a fantasy till he didn't like those. Sometimes he felt dumb for that, Pepper had told him he was being a good friend. He didn't understand it all, yet he ignored Barnes whenever he could, but taking a small road trip where Barnes was often expressed as a good person either made him annoyed or reconsider a lot. He tinkered on his metallic arm a lot while in Wakanda, though besides Barnes being there the place made him feel out dated. Which is what got him into his unfortunate situation, one where he was a bit too curious for his own good. He would ask Shuri directly about Barnes's now very developed arm but he'd get mocked the whole time. Tony wasn't in the mood for that.

"Can I talk to you?" Tony asked,  Bucky had just gotten out of conversation, Tony also wasn't in the mood to wait. Bucky furrowed his brow, his smile turning to a line on his face that was on the brink of being a frown.

"Um, sure" Bucky's voice was uncertain, though really he was worried. He had no idea if a conversation with Tony would end well but he thought if Tony saught him out then it could be important.

"What did Shuri do to your arm?" he asked, looking straight to Bucky now. But once again his face showed confusion.

"I- ... She told me about it the other day. She likes to add stuff onto it whenever but basically I can sorta feel the arm. Controlling it isn't just that, I don't have anything that is like nerves in it but I'm more aware when it's being tapped on or touched. If one of my fingers get turned the right direction it shoots bullets which I thought was funny. Uh If I push this..." he stopped using his real arm to tap on metal of his metallic one. "This pops up which basically tells me everything I need to know about my arm and myself. It can help warm up my body and it tells me how I'm doing health wise" he told as he showed a small blue pixelish almost picture frame sized menu. It had many different number on it. small boxes you could tap on that much take you somewhere else. Tony just stared for a moment, usually he had his full suit for that type of thing but it all being stuck inside a small arm amazed him.

"May I?" he asked pointing to Bucky arm, to which Bucky nodded letting Tony take his arm. He studied the metal for a moment before going to the board that he had been shown. Tony tapped around for a moment, till a small picture of a body appeared. It showed his heart rate, blood sugar, when he should go to sleep, to when he should eat next. Tony studied it all, his mind moving as anything new popped up. All of this in one arm was amazing, he loved this type of thing. So advanced it almost feels like a movie prop.

"It's also much lighter, my old one was a bit heavy and it did make me a bit stronger but it was sometimes a hassle when I wanted to do normal things. It's also mucheasier to control, it's not like I have an arm but it's as close as I'll ever get and if I pretend hard enough and close my eyes it almost feels like it's real." Bucky told as Tony messed with his arm, though Tony's focus went away slowly as Bucky continued talking. He stepped back after a moment letting Bucky have his arm to himself.

"Yeah I understand that, first few months without an arm felt like hell to me. At this point the only way my body feels normal is when I'm in the suit but I'm only in that if I'm fighting someone or on the way to do that. And feeling yourself while doing that isn't always the best." Tony didn't know if this is smart but if anyone could understand not feeling like his body it is his would be Bucky. Maybe he was too cautious.

"What a fun club us two are in" Bucky told chuckling. The small comment made Tony smile, but the small moment felt tainted. A memory of his father came and he felt like he needed to recoil, step back and never talk to him again.

"Uh- sorry. If you want any exact information on it go ask Shuri. I can't exactly contrast this from my old arm since I first got it while I wasn't there. But I definitely like this one better" Bucky told, he really didn't want to be stuck in silence because of something he couldn't control. But he often didn't have a choice in things like that.

Tony liked Barnes's new arm, maybe he was just being dramatic but the last arm always made him think of his parents. This one seemed to redefine Bucky Barnes, like he was someone different with this arm. But then again Tony always felt different with a new arm or leg so maybe he was self projecting.

They were in silence, almost as if a conversation about Tony's parents was happening but with no words. Just expressions saying that his father was a good man and always did his work, especially when his work was Steve and Bucky's team. Tony didn't agree but knew his father worked hard, he wished he acted different when he was a kid. Wished he was nicer to his parents, even if they didn't return anything he could of done.

Tony didn't like this conversation, he didn't fully understand what Bucky was saying. He didn't like that this could be one sided or he could misinterpret anything said. But this felt stupid, there was no progress in staring at each other.

"Thank you" Tony said, it had probably been a few minutes since there was a noise and it even surprised Tony that's what he said aloud. He wondered if this conversation would be better if he said it silently instead.

"For what?" Bucky didn't understand that, as far as he could see there was not a single thing to thank him for. But maybe Bucky was oblivious he couldn't always tell.

"You've grown a lot, helped us fight when we needed to and you've been trying to better yourself." Tony told, which really he wished this was easier. Giving out things like this was never what Tony found easy.

"Well what else was I supposed to do? Steve got me out of it and I wasn't gonna go back into all of that. It wasn't fun and going back is no way to repay him, plus I need to make sure he doesn't get his ass kicked without me." Bucky told, which really he didn't think he could do anything besides what he had been doing.

"You could of destroyed us and let Hydra win, I wouldn't be surprised if I was one of your next 'mission'. There's a reason Hydra killed off my parents, if they planned it right they would of got me next anyway" Tony told a bit darkly, it's what he really thought. It's one of the biggest reasons he didn't understand Hydra.

"In a different world maybe, but not this one. Steve won me over in that regards." Bucky told, it was a fact and he stated it like one. Bucky was staying, staying a good person and it was the simple fact hidden behind that sentence. And though Tony didn't understand why, he liked that.

Tony didn't understand him and Steve but he knew that time seemed to put a higher price on their friendship. He did understand how close they were, and if it broke Bucky being brain washed then their friendship was worth a lot more than many tried to understand. But Steve didn't have any metal in him, so it set Tony and Steve apart from each other.  

"Well I guess we're stuck in the metallic limbs club with each other" Bucky told smiling, what a club to be in. Definitely not the best nor the most fortunate, but not many in SHIELD were apart of that club so maybe it was better to unite then fight.

"I guess we are" Tony had a smirk on his face, though it's not an obnoxious one. It was one that weirdly signed equal to a peace treaty between the two. He agreed with the smirk while Bucky found comfort in it. Maybe they didn't have to fight, maybe they could move on and be friends. Bucky liked that thought, but he needed Tony to like it too. Or he'd be constantly defending himself in something he couldn't change, Tony had a lot of pride maybe he could put it behind himself for this.

[markleetrashh]

Husband Ten

Requests: can you do a "husband! ten" i loved what you did with "boyfriend! ten" and "best friend ten" so i wish you could do a husband version since i love ten so much, please :)

Can you plzz do Husband Ten? c: luv u

yay requests for this prince

have you seen him in the recent ivy club event he looked so good??

okay but ngl he's also very husband material

a really cute one!!!

before reading this you might want to read boyfriend ten first hehe

okay let's start!

honestly still the softest and cutest bun ever??

to you at least

he's so clueless at times you just want to squish him

he didn't know why he suddenly had the urge to ask you to marry him

maybe because johnny had a serious talk with him one day

johnny's all like "dude you guys have been dating for 3 years already, when are you going to take her hand?"

"oh shit i havent thought about it yet"

"do it sooner or later!! she's been looking up on these things often these past few weeks"

"oh really?"

so he starts thinking of ways to propose

and he wants to be unique and special!!

something only he could pull off and that you'd love

while he dropped really subtle hints on weeks before

"babe you're honestly so blessed to have me"

"uhm... yeah?"

"a few more weeks!"

"to what?"

"you'll know"

finally the day comes

he fetches you from your own house, to his own apartment

and he asks you stay outside of the door first

and you're all nervous and confused, but at the same time really excited

he finally opens the door, but calls you to close your eyes, his hand holding your wrist as he leads you into the apartment

which he decorated with cute colourful balloons, all in your favourite colours,

there's music playing in the background

and the lights are all dim but romantic

and he finally asks you to open your eyes

and you gasped when you see the decorations

and immediately squealed and screamed

when you saw an adorable tiny puppy on the couch!!!

wrapped in a tiny bow

and it's sleeping soundly on the pillow

which made your heart melt!!!

so you immediately when up to carry it and make cute faces to it

ten's smiling by the side and blushing slightly

he then holds you by your hand, and pats the puppy

"babe, she can be our first child together. i really want to have more with you in the future so, will you marry me?"

please forgive me this is so bad

and you start tearing up because you never expected him to get a puppy for you

what's more, propose to you

and obviously you nod yes and hug him

you hear him giggling to himself

how cute!!!

okay but when the members heard about your marriage they all freaked out

especially johnny, even though he was the one who started it-

"OH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D DO IT THIS QUICK- IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU WOW" -johnny

"you're getting married? time flies so quickly woah" -taeyong

"congratulations on your marriage with y/n hyung!!" -mark

and they're all so supportive it makes you extremely happy too

side note they all love bonbon (your puppy's name,, idk what i did) too and often visit your apartment just to see her

okay ten as a husband-

i feel like he'd become even more immature and act more like a child?

especially when he's alone with you

he's extremely clingy and affectionate

and whines a lot when you dont give him the hugs and kisses he wants but it's cute so you don't complain

still is an angel and smiles at everything that you do

really supportive!!

is always there when you need help, even when he's clueless himself

lots of lazy days together

just laying in the bed with your messt hair and pajamas,

both bodies tangled together

lots of laughter and giggling too

i feel like y'all would have a lot of sessions where it's all teasing and small pecks on the face at first

but at the end it turns out to be a hot mess and a hot make out session

where he turns into a whole different person because the way he stares at you

and the way his hands would trail down your body 👀

calls you his queen

and loves every single part of your body!!!

this man would smack your ass in public too if he felt like it

and he wouldnt even feel that embarrassed

where is this getting

but at the same time he's also such a sweetheart?

he brings bonbon out to walks daily

and treats her like an actual child!!

buys her all the treats and toys

and he's always so soft for her??

and it makes you smile seeing the both of them just playing together

but to you he's 10× sweeter

still compliments you a whole lot

even in public

"she's my wife, isn't she just gorgeous?"

"i think you shouldn't wear this out today, i don't think i'd be able to get through the day without fainting staring at such a beauty"

and he gets you the things you want like??

because he wants you to be happy

okay fights and arguments happen rarely,

but when they do,

it can get really serious and it's just dead silence from the both of you

he's either too upset or mad (at himself) to apologise

and for you, you feel bad for getting mad you can't bring yourself to apologise too

and that's where johnny needs to come in

he'd try to talk to the both of you and listen to both sides of the story

and he'd try his best to give y'all advice

and thanks to him, the both of you would apologise and cry in each other's arms

because y'all really hate conflicts

still a disaster when cooking

but not as bad as mark

but he tries his best to make breakfast for you while he can

which you really appreciate a lot!

even though it isn't the best- slightly burnt eggs and overcooked bacon,

it still tastes good so you often repay it to him by making him lunch too

which he loves a lot!! and becomes an excited child whenever he sees you packing lunch

"yay!! it's gonna be a great day with a great meal"

at the end of the day he's really thankful for you

and how much positivity you've brought into his life

and he loves you with every single part of his body!!!

honestly blessed to have him as your husband

your days are filled with happiness 24/7 with him around

[reynabiddy]

today i was reflecting in the shower.. where i normally do all of my deeper thinking.. and i couldn’t stop thinking about 2016. i know.. we’re in a new year.. time to let it go.. but i don’t think i properly cleansed myself or made peace with how my year went. and because a lot of what happened to me throughout the year continuously comes to mind.. i knew it was time to sit down and write out my feelings. what has made me the writer or “poet” that i am today.. is i’ve spilled my heart out on paper, time and time again, but lately i've been extremely distant. i’m not sure whether it’s because i feel a burden to always be positive and uplifting or because i find myself more afraid than ever. last year i cried. and cried. and cried. more than i’ve ever cried in my 22 years of life. i even made a habit out of watching really sad and emotional movies just so i could find an excuse to. also.. i’ve smoked more than ever before. longing to both - feel.. and be numb. i’d smoke before writing so i could pull certain stories out of me. then i’d smoke after, to forget them. often times.. i just got high enough to make myself fall asleep so i wouldn’t have to deal with anything. in the midst of one of my episodes.. i realized i suffer, and have always suffered, from feeling like nobody really understands me. i’ve always felt like i was someone who was constantly mistaken for an entirely different person. i always feel like i don’t “fit”. i don’t fit around friends.. i don’t fit around family.. i don’t make sense at social gatherings.. i don’t feel at home in my own home. i think a lot of these feelings have come up, from time to time, because i’ve never really known my true identity. all i've ever known myself to be is someone that everyone clings to. and not in a “she’s the life of the party” kind of way, but more so, “she’s the person to get advice from” way. and although.. this may sound selfish, sometimes i wish i had someone like me. i wish i had someone who was willing to help solve my problems before solving their own. as i’m typing, i’m starting to cry again. and i’m crying because i don’t know when exactly this will end. or if this discomfort is how i’m meant to live life. maybe this is just the life of an empathic. maybe when i started asking god to “use” me, i signed up for this. the truth is, 2016 should have been the best year of my life. i released a book that hit the best sellers list, i bought my dog that brings an unlimited source of awe to my life, i signed a major publishing deal, i moved out of my parents house and into a new home, i lost friends that never clapped for me, and gained friends who’ve been there for me in every way since, i built this whole “brand” into something much bigger than i ever expected myself to, i found out i was cancer free, i promise the list could continue on. but depression got in the way. of everything. i never once celebrated myself. i never once intervened, and took control. i never even thought to. i felt like whatever i was going through.. i was supposed to. and still.. i’m not sure the reasoning.. i just kept living with a kind of sadness i have yet to find a name for. instead of focusing on all of the goodness that god was placing in my life, i had tunnel vision on everything that i felt was going wrong. i couldn’t see life in a positive light no matter how good things may have got. my parents split up. i was forced to move out. i lost my home base. i went, and still go, months without speaking to either one. my boyfriend was dealing with an ex who continuously threatened to take her life at the account of us being together. all i wanted to do was help her. but couldn’t. i had a new life to take care of, when i could barely take care of my own self. i lost all my friends. literally, every single one. i never ever could leave the house because of how bad my social anxiety was getting. i found out i had a fractured jaw because of the size of a tumor that was holding it in place. i found out i had a fucking tumor that could have been cancerous. i had reconstructive jaw surgery that ruined the nerve and feeling in my mouth. i could not eat or sleep or talk straight for months. i’m still dealing with the pain. i was consistently working and doing interviews right after my surgery. i was and am still extremely exhausted from this. i never properly allowed myself to rest or heal. i started working with a team that could not fully ever understand me which only added to my frustration, loneliness, and sadness. and again, THIS LIST could go on. but more than anything. i was bullied. as my brand kept getting bigger, i was bullied more. and more. and i couldn’t understand how my work, trying to help and heal people, could bring in such negative responses. i couldn’t understand why there were people who were so eager to tear me apart, they would start to attack my image. everyday people attack the way i look and sound. and this kind of bullying brought back a lot of old feelings that i never dealt with as a kid. growing up i was constantly brought down and picked on because of the way i look. i was never skinny enough. or pretty enough. or i was too hairy. or my teeth were too crooked. or my hair was too nappy. or i was too dark. or i was too “black”. or i wasn't “black enough”. now, i’m receiving - i’m too stupid or i’m too fake. my writing isn't good enough. my writing is cliche. i look like a monkey. and so on. and so forth. and as i’m typing these things.. i find myself giggling a bit, wondering why i even allow these things to bother me. but truthfully, all negativity from outside sources bothers me. no matter what form it comes in. i always question, “what have i done to deserve this?” and although i often ignore these nasty comments, i’ve realized i harbor the feelings i receive when i see these comments. embarrassment. frustration. confusion. hurt. disappointment. betrayal. i let these statements affect me to the point where i’m starting to silence my voice. i’m starting to be more afraid to speak up for myself. the thought of confrontation makes me nervous. the thought of even receiving any awful comments makes my stomach flip. so i won’t say anything at all. i’ll keep everything to myself if it'll keep the mean people and their nasty opinions away. but i’m trying to break out of this. i really am. i’m trying to be more understanding of the way people work. i know.. that the way we treat people is a reflection of the way we treat or view ourselves. meaning.. those who are willing to go out of their way to attack a person for absolutely no reason, ultimately feel that they need to. either because, they don’t have enough love for themselves, to be consumed within themselves and their own positivity, or, simply, they hate themselves just as much as they hate me. and not personally, but mainly, their views of life are formed in a negative and hateful way.. more often than not. idk.. maybe i’m getting too ahead of myself. or maybe i make sense and i’m afraid no one will understand it. lol. but anyway. idk. i’m just glad i got to get these things off my chest because i feel like my readers.. and supporters.. or those who just fuck with me, for whichever reason.. are always looking forward to hearing from me. and i’m trying to, again, be more accepting of the fact that not everyone is going to always like my shit. my writing. my poetry. my points of view. my ideas. and that’s okay. that doesn’t make me any less of an artist or woman or idealist.. and that doesn't make whomever else any less than either. i’m thankful. for these moments of clarity because they really ground me and put me back in my place. i get to reflect on how i’ve sabotaged my own life.. and i pray that god help me heal from it. the reality of this all is.. i’m my own worse enemy. and i have been.. for most of my life. and i know this because i would have never ever allowed myself to go through all the hardships that i did. i would have never allowed myself to not only deal with half the people i’ve dealt with - but also.. i wouldn’t have allowed myself to be as affected by negativity as i was. all i was doing, and all i’ve been doing, is place energy in places and spaces that my energy was never meant to be. 2016 was the ending. i firmly believe this because there is always a storm before a sunny day. there were times last year when i thought i was out of touch with myself and i couldn't hear god as clearly as i’m used to.. but really.. s/he was with me all along. guiding me to this place i’m in now. this place of - understanding, acceptance, and gratitude. i’m finally understanding that sometimes we go through shit. sometimes a lot of shit. but what we go through doesn’t define us. it shapes us into the people that we’re ultimately meant to be. stronger. wiser. and happier.. if anything. i'm finally accepting that some things, many things, are out of our control. but we have much more control than we think. the way we react to life will result in our karma. we can choose how to react and ultimately this will help affect all of our situations moving forward. i’m also learning to accept people as they are. everyone will do as they please. and not everyone will be considerate of mine, or anyone else’s, feelings. in knowing this, i have to constantly remind myself to not take anything personal. the longer i feed into other peoples negativity, the longer i’ll be miserable. misery is the result of not fully understanding or not fully having control over certain situations. but the more intuitive we are.. the easier it will be to keep away from misery. and finally.. i'm grateful for the one friend i had all along.. whom i never give enough credit to. my best friend and boyfriend. every single tear that came strolling down my cheek.. he was always here to help wipe and then uplift me. the more silence i become the more he encourages me to speak. even if he, himself, doesn't fully understand. i'm grateful to god for showing up in all forms. people. places. numbers. symbols. etc. i cannot be anymore thankful for my relationship with god. for not only helping me get through one of the best/worst years of my life.. but also.. for giving me the strength to open up about it. knowing.. that everyone’s perception of me is that i’ve “got it all together.”

Reyna Biddy

[punchnazisandeatbrandychocolates]

Cabaret (literally Small Art)

Tap tap. It knocks. Who may that be at this time? I go to the door and open.

“Ah it´s you”, I say.

“Hello”, says the kangaroo. “May I come in?”

“Please”, I say.

It hops past me into the living room.

“Do you like Nirvana?”, it asks and makes itsself comfortable in an armchair.

“The Band?”, I ask and let myself fall onto the sofa.

“No, the afterlife!”, it says. “Of course the band! You seem to enjoy asking unnecissary questions...”

“Yes.”

“What yes? You like Nirvana or you enjoy asking unnecissary questions?”

“Both”, I say. “I live according to the motto: Rather ask five times than think once. And Nevermind was the first album i bought myself in the store back then.”

“Really?”, asks the kangaroo.

“No. In Reality it was Hier kommt Kurt (here coms Kurt) by Frank Zander (idk that guy either).”

“Ohne Helm und ohne Gurt. Einfach Kurt? (without helmet and without belt. just Kurt? this isn´t funny in english i´m sorry)”, asks the kangaroo.

“Yes”, I say. “Just Kurt. But I wish it had been Nevermind.”

“Look what i coincidentally brought with me”, says the kangaroo and pulls out a very blue vinyl record from its pouch. “Would you mind if I put this on? Because i haven´t set up my system at home yet and ...”

I nod and point to the record player.

Here we are now - entertain us ...

“May I ask what you do professionally?”, the kangaroo continues the conversation.

“Why?”, I ask.

“You´re always at home during the day and - without overstepping my boundaries here - it´s 1pm and you are still in your pyjamas.”

“I am, uhm, oh well, uhm, kinda, uhm, an artist”, I say. “I work at night.”

“Anschaffender Künstler? (purchasing artist?)”, asks the kangaroo.

“Freischaffend heißt das! (it´s self-employed)”, I say.

“Ah okay.”

“I write stories and songs and then I perform and ...”

“Oh! You´re a cabaretist! (literally small artist)”, says the kangaroo.

I flinch: “Ah! The evil word.”

“Cabaretist?”

I flinch again.

“Do you know the Tocotronic song “I loathe you deeply because of your cabaret”?”, asks the kangaroo.

“Yes”, I say. “Don´t like it.”

“I understand.”

“And you?”, I ask. “What do you do?”

“I´m a communist”, the kangaroo says.

“Ah okay.”

“Something against that?”

“Nah, nah.”

The kagaroo looks at me challengingly.

“Trotzki?”, I ask.

“Ho Chi Minh”, says the kangaroo. It points to the package on the table. “What´s that?”

“Brandy chocolates”, I say.

“May I?”

“Go ahead. I don´t like them anyways.”

It throws two chocolates into its mouth.

“Delicious!”, it shouts. “Want any?”

“Nah. Don´t like them. Didn´t you listen?”

“Obviously not”, says the kangaroo. “Don´t you think ahead/think for yourself?”

“No. Never”, I say. “I live according to the motto: rather ask five times than think once. Didn´t you listen?”

The kangaroo takes another chocolate.

“So a cabaretist ...”, it says and gives a short laugh. “Here we are now - entertain us! (it says this in german)”

“Do you do that often?”, I ask.

“You mean quoting?”

“Yes.”

“Sollen wir uns duzen? (it offers the personal form of addressing another person, they´ve been using the polite form until here)”, asks the kangaroo.

“Fine with me.”, I say.

“I believe this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”