#I. THINK OF TJEM DAILY

[holographic-mars]

After centuries of promising I’d draw @jymic ‘s soundwave I’ve finally done it,, I love they. So much

[mejomonster]

Never Let Me Go ep 7:

I'm so mushy. Look, this isn't ur show if you're looking for the romcom type where people say the cheesiest mushy stuff quickly and are "in love" immediately etc. (Although I'll say Bad Buddy had best of both worlds since they knew each other their whole lives technically pre show so the mushy stuff is less from nothing and more from a foundation almost 2 decades long).

I'm mushy BECAUSE this show feels so damn realistic! In a good way. Neung asks Palm if he's ever loved someone so much he'd consider marrying them. If this were mushy romcom Palm would say yes and cue romantic music. Instead, Palm says no. Realistic answer for a guy who's only 18 - even if he did love someone, loving them enough to marry them forever? It might be happening rn as he's falling for Neungdiao but it's probably not something he went through before at like age 15. Despite saying no (the only realistic answer for Palm), he says he DOES think Neung will meet someone he'll love that much, who will love him that much. And my heart swoons. I'm sinking. I'm emotional. Awwwwwww. That genuine heartfelt hope Neung has happiness, that underlying current Palm thinks he can be that person for Neung when it's time for Neung to contemplate marriage. Is so soft. So sweet. It's worth buckets of a cheesy one liner to me. This scene is so much more my romance story preference ToT

Their scene on the beach, where Palm shows him the secret beach qnd they swim. It's just playful, it's them looking at each other having fun, and looking away at the world in contemplation. And man, have I also been there. On a special beach, in the sunset, having fun with my crush. Hoping we are like this year's later, hoping I'll still be with them, hoping they'll be with me. Trying to remember the moment forever in my heart. I loved that scene so much. It feels like idk. A real kind of moment. A moment you really might have had with a crush. I know it's me personally relating lol. But it's also like? I've never accidentally kissed a person by falling lol, or gotten pinned after we ran away from being chased ToT (though I find the trope fun). So like. The decision to do this as the big romantic scene was really nice to me, that they picked a moment many people who've gone on a trip in nature with a crush or lover can relate to. It's touchable, within reach, an ordinary moment (made extraordinary cayse its a super pretty Thailand beach but you get the idea). It makes the romance feel closer to our own lives, versus us trying to feel closer to a more romantic fantastical life.

The scenes with Ben and Chopper all absolutely wreck my heart. Rip it right to pieces. Choppers actor is SO GOOD you can feel a decade of history between him and Ben that's not in dialogue but PRESENT. You can feel he cares about Ben so much he tries not to grab on and never let go, that he'd give anything to have Ben in his life daily again BUT even more than that he wants to see Ben smiling and happy and free and safe. He loves Ben so fucking much it hurts me. Choppers a lot like me as a teen in that regard lol. And Ben? Ohhhh boy. Well they went the Very Realistic view of gay people in society in this show. So his military dad views gay actions as looking bad on Ben's image. The adults view a gay rumor as a Bad Thing in a way Ben caught kissing a girl would not have been. Neung being just gay and perfectly fine about it, still gets him ostracized compared to people who Don't think it's fine to be viewed that way. Neungs mom is as expected a loving mom who's just disappointed in herself that her son didn't feel safe to be open to her (and interesting this actually serves a character development function Totally unrelated to neung liking men - he acts very loving to his mom, but feels she can't "handle" certain things. She can't "handle" him not eating vegetables so he pretends to like them and eats tjem for her. How naive does he act FOR her, because he's trying to protect her from other parts of his personality. Neung has shown to be very intelligent and cunning sometimes when doing his own things alone. I imagine he hides all that from his mom. This whole arc further shows he's got parts of himself other people are not all aware of).

Back to Ben. They picked a realistic route. Further solidifying this show feels like My Dear Loser, 3 Will Be Free, and The Eclipse in how it handles queer people. This is not romcom world where our annoying problems in society don't exist. Figures. In a story where the class differences and inequality of it and how unfair it fucking is are HAMMERED nonstop, of course queerness and how it affects how society privileges or harms people is going to be included. I again LOVE how this show is written so far. Anyway Ben... Chimon always gives a stellar performance in my opinion, particularly in that he plays people who feel like real people. Ben feels as real as Wave in The Gifted, as his typical realistic teen character in My Dear Loser. It doesn't feel like a bl romance genre show. It feels like I'm watching a GENERAL thriller on gmmtv (a la The Player, The Gifted) and they just decided the majority of the main leads will be queer. (Actually Not Me and 3 Will Be Free may also feel like this). I personally love this approach as main-genre romance isn't actually my preference, and this feel really works for this story. Chimon does such an amazing job, I keep feeling like I'm seeing this slice of a person's life and vulnerability in privacy with Chopper admiting his heart out. As Chopper feels painfully unconditionally loving and trying to prioritize Ben's feelings over any pain of his own, Ben just feels brutally real. The actual class president you met in school if he sat with you some day off to the side during lunch and admitted all the shit he was actually going through. Anyway I am literally folded in half emotionally whenever Ben and Chopper get scenes together to combine this effect.

I love Ben. Thats all.

Suddenly thinking if Heartstopper fans also happen to like action thrillers, they might like this show? I mean they probably want something fluffier. But I liked Heartstoppers realism with anxiety and personal doubts and queerness. And those particular elements are also present here with the 4 leads.

Palm. Oh palm. I have a feeling about palm. That feeling is: I feel at some point when he fully reveals his own pov more, a TON OF SCENES IN RETROSPECT are going to click into place as way more emotional to watch than they were before. Sort of like when I watched The Untamed - first time around I thought Lan Wangji was boring expressionless until the teen arc was over. Because I saw him like Wei Wuxian did. The second watch, knowing how deeply Lan Wangji was effected from day 1? I realized the actor was actually putting a LOT of nuance in I was just tuning out on first watch. I suspect once palm shows his pov in a scene more overtly, his visual acting tells will become more obvious, and in retrospect I'll be emotionally overwhelmed on a rewatxh.

I suspect we see him like Neungdiao right now. And that is: Palm trying so hard to frame himself as servant, frame his own pov as unknown and unimportant, put his wants below the specific necessity that he serve Neung and make Neung feel safe AND make sure there's a clear boundary of "I'm a servant not equal" since his dad keeps hammering it. I think at first he might even have had some hostility wanting to be a servant instead of quiting, some feelings he doesn't need to do what his dad demands of him just cause dad feels that way. But he DOES care about Neung. And he'd be friends in a heartbeat - IF he could. If he could? He'd open up emotionally and let Neung treat him equal like Neung desperately wants. But Palm knows the societal punishment for them breaking their roles to act like that is going to be hard on Neung, and he 1 doesn't want Neung to deal with more because of Palm and 2 Palm doesn't want to attract anger from others and disappointment (or worse being full on removed from Neungs life by his dad and neungs mom) just because he violated the boundaries of his status. He knows Neung can choose to change how he treats Palm, but if Palm changes how he acts then they both get screwed by the world. Palm can't afford to reveal an inch, cant afford for Stubborn Nueng to notice what Palm wants. And Palms stubborn too so he keeps intensely reinforcing their boundary and keeping his feelings secret.

Cue Palm smiling, making stubborn jokes in private with Neung. Saying he's waiting for his moment on the beach (to make a romantic move). Palm knows once he kissed Neung that the cat is out of the bag. No matter how servant Not Friend, separate and not together, employee instead of equal that Palm is Supposed to be? He kissed Neung. He knows he did it cause he likes Neung, and was jealous of Ben, and in his heart wants to treat Neung with love and reciprocation. And he knows Neung sure wanted that reciprocation - so he kisses Neung. And now Neung knows for all the holding back, Palm feels some amount. And so Palms letting himself smile, when he thinks Neung won't push him, when he thinks they're alone enough he can tease and talk back and Be closer to equal socially without any outsiders punishing them for it. That's Palms resolve to be a silent separate protector deteriorating. I'm excited to see as it crumbles more.

[atlasci]

ø for hazel pls

text messages. accepting.

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.

to: hazel

msg [sent 11:42PM]: Are they done screaming at each other yet?msg [sent 11:45PM]: Cinder’s little brats, I mean. Ever since she left, it’s nothing but noise from the two of them.msg [sent 11:47PM]: If I can’t meet my deadline because of the awful damned headache they’re givine me on a daily basis, I’m taking tjem to her when I fail.msg [sent 11:49PM]: Ugh, typos. I can barely think straight, I can hardly type, how am I supposed to get anything done?!msg [sent 11:51PM]: If they’re done, can you please come to my office so I can feel somewhat productive? You’re overdue for an aura check after you used your semblance like that at Haven.

[art-of-slither]

Touched by Magic: Dementors Unleashed! (Pt. 2)

Last time I talked about how Gratitude seemed to bless me in many weird ways, all awesome. I wrote as extensively as I could about all I remember from those years.

Now, I want to talk about what happens when you stop doing all that you were doing right: the metaphorical Dementors descend upon you until you almost lose your soul to negativity. I turned into a shell of my former self.

For me it happened at the end of High Scool. Right before the end, I got accepted into med school, but not my friends (many would later suceed doing so, but not that year).

I started to panick.

Several things happened during that time, one after the other:

My dad and I started arguing more and more. Must have been his streak of homophobia bubbling up. I never brought a girlfriend to the house, you see? I think my reaction was the catalyst of the bad that kept poruing in, because I began continuously thinking how much I was angry and mad at him. Certainly I had still wonderful days, but I constantly ruminated about how I angry he made me feel.

I had problems with my then-boyfriend, he suddenly began ignoring me and days went by without me knowing nothing about him. Now I realized that I would have been ok if I had just stopped resisiting it, let it be, keep calm and accept the stuff that was happening and have fun. I know that is hard, a very tall order, and it's easier to in hindsight, but it is called True Allowing, it A-Thing, Pam Grout's talks about it in one of her books, Abraham-Hicks does also. I did the opposite of that, constantly thinking and talking about it. The times where I was just content with watching the breeze soothing the trees were mostly gone.

The guy I was dating decided to suddenly return to his ex, and I spiraled into anger and sadness. I was a mess. Watching trees? How about I listen to sad music in melodramatic fashion? I did that. I made myself cry every day, as if a part of my brain were convinced that was going to make him return.

High School ended and gone were the days when I could daily see my friends. I know this happens to every one, I knew it was part of life. I tried feeling happy that I got into med school, but all the other stuff just kept vying for my attention, and I was angrier and sadder each day. Having them would had helped, I concluded, but I now know I was kidding myself: having them wouldn't have distracted me enough, I would have still spent many hours a week talking about how hurt I felt. It would not have made a difference, I was the one that needed to make a difference in my day-to-day.

I jumped into a new relationship stupidly and immediately, because I didn't wanted to feel alone. The guy ended up being expelled from school for stealing a laptop from another student. Before that I lost my virginity to him and I regreted it for many years. But seeing my Practiced Vine from those years, there was nothing more I could attract. I take full responsability for it.

Dad and I fought horribly one night. After thay, my brother outright told that I needed to become straight because neither of tjem never were going to accept me. That hurt a lot.

Among everything, my usual optimism dissapeared, long were the days where my number one priority each day was loving my life just because it was my fucking life. I tried to take solace in my new classmates, but I was so negative I could only see frequently the negative in them. I hated them, but now I want to take full responsability too: I failed to appreciate what I had in them.

The good stuff that did happened to me I took for granted. Those years are now punctuated by my failure to being grateful for the good, however small and however different it was from what I wanted. Now they are gone and I find myself in a scary mess. But this time I am sure about what I have to do.

My point is not throwing myself a pity party but to share thoe recollections to anyone that wants to know what I did wrong and the price I paid: I stopped loving my life unabashedly, just because, in spite of whatever. I stopped celebrating the good, however small. I spent hours thinking how bad I felt, talking about it, writing about it. And my beautiful life was still there, by my side, waiting for me, I just didn't wanted to see it and love it. I felt justified in my stubborness, and I got what I summoned.

Med School is hard, but I know it could have been easier if only I had changed my attitude fast enough. I don't feel angry, sad or ashamed of arriving at that conclusion this late, but I feel liberated by it and that's even better. It was on me all along and it continues to be on me.

Devil's Snare, Boggarts and Dementors are all defeated by changing our attitude, conjuring up calmness, happiness, light and laughter in spite of them. I view them as apt metaphors for what now I know deep in my soul that needs to be done, what I require from me right now.

Do you agree?

[the-jaczac]

I can't find the ask meme you reblogged but do the evens!! And hey reblog it again so I can steal it please and thank you

Sure!

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

is your room messy or clean?

Messy. Always. 

what color are your eyes?

do you like your name? why?

Yeah its pretty good I think.  Not stupidly unique but also not common.

what is your relationship status?

describe your personality in 3 words or less

bad at these

what color hair do you have?

what kind of car do you drive? color?

A silver Subaru Crosstrek

where do you shop?

how would you describe your style?

Lazy. And comfortable. 

favorite social media account

what size bed do you have?

queen i already answered this though

any siblings?

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

again, already answered this

favorite snapchat filter?

favorite makeup brand(s)

??????

how many times a week do you shower?

favorite tv show?

Dunno. Futurama maybe?

shoe size?

how tall are you?

5′8 ithink

sandals or sneakers?

do you go to the gym?

Nope. I mean to though

describe your dream date

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

Already answered this

what color socks are you wearing?

how many pillows do you sleep with?

2

do you have a job? what do you do?

how many friends do you have?

Many? Few? I don’t know really.

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

whats your favorite candle scent?

burny. Or lavendar

3 favorite boy names

3 favorite girl names

already answered

favorite actor?

favorite actress?

daisy ridley is pretty great

who is your celebrity crush?

favorite movie?

Kingsman

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

money or brains?

Brains, I think. 

do you have a nickname? what is it?

how many times have you been to the hospital?

10-11 maybe. Not too many.

top 10 favorite songs

do you take any medications daily?

Nope

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

what is your biggest fear?

Immobility. If i get ALS or something, either cryogenically freeze me until a cure is developed or put a bullet in me

how many kids do you want?

whats your go to hair style?

lazy and shaggy

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

who is your role model?

Dunno? Nobody really

what was the last compliment you received?

what was the last text you sent?

“yes thank you i asked morty to give tjem to you”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

what is your dream car?

Tesla roadster or a lamborgini. dont know which one

opinion on smoking?

do you go to college?

Not yet. 

what is your dream job?

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

Suburbs. fuck rural places

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

do you have freckles?

Yes. i have MANY freckles. they’re everywhere

do you smile for pictures?

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

1000 or so 

have you ever peed in the woods?

do you still watch cartoons?

Yep. Making my way through LoK right now.

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Favorite dipping sauce?

barbecue

what do you wear to bed?

have you ever won a spelling bee?

yes. in 6th grade

what are your hobbies?

can you draw?

not a fucking chance

do you play an instrument?

what was the last concert you saw?

No idea? i don’t go to many concerts

tea or coffee?

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Starbucks maybe

do you want to get married?

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

I don’t really know who I have a crush on right now. 

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

what color looks best on you?

i don’t know colors

do you miss anyone right now?

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed

do you believe in ghosts?

what is your biggest pet peeve?

people scraping their forks on plates and making that awful sound

last person you called`

favorite ice cream flavor?

MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP FUCK YA

regular oreos or golden oreos?

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

chocolate

what shirt are you wearing?

what is your phone background?

Lock screen is Funny Valentine, home screen is Killer Queen

are you outgoing or shy?

do you like it when people play with your hair?

fuckin yes

nobody has, but still

do you like your neighbors?

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

in the shower, so in the morning. not specifically

have you ever been high?

have you ever been drunk?

nope

last thing you ate?

favorite lyrics right now

dunno, i don’t really listen to much stuff with coherent lyrics

summer or winter?

day or night?

night

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

favorite month?

June

what is your zodiac sign

who was the last person you cried in front of?

I can’t remember the last time I cried in the first place, so idk?

i aint deleting half of these