#I've got nothing to do until 2 but i need to be Actually Awake for that so. hm.

[bearygentle]

maaaaaan I'm so tired and bored why didn't the adderall kick in ughhhhh

[turtletaubwrites]

My Favorite Kinds of Nights ~ Part 2

Thank you to the anon for this request! Look here for Part 1!

Pairing: Luffy x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3625

We've All Got Needs Masterlist

Ao3 Link

Summary: After an unexpected night with your captain, it's time for you to tell your partners who you spent your night with. How will your lovers react, and how will your captain treat you the morning after?

Rating/Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content, 18+ Only, MDNI, Fem!Reader, Reader Insert, Smut, Mild Angst, Polyamory, One Night Stands, Relationship Discussions, Insecurity, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Penis in Vagina Sex, Hair Pulling, Condoms, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, Biting, Dry Humping, Established Relationships, Fluff, Inappropriate Use of Akuma no Mi | Devil Fruit Powers, Luffy needs to learn boundaries, Luffy is a little shit

A/N: I hope you enjoy the conclusion to this Luffy one night stand request! Again, this would occur over 2 years after the current timeline, and may not fit into the story later. We've All Got Needs is ongoing, and I've got lots of plans! I'm having a great time with these requests, and hope to do more soon! 😁

“Has anyone seen Luffy?”

You’d just sat down, a little late to breakfast after grabbing a quick shower, and you could feel your skin flush red at Nami’s question.

Zoro still looked a bit wrecked, bandaged up from the fight, but finally awake. He pulled you in close, and you sighed against him. All while you pondered how to tell your partners that your one night stand last night had been with the captain. 

“He must have been more tired than he let on for him to miss breakfast,” Robin contemplated, looking as fresh and lovely as always. 

“That’s alright, more for us!”

Usopp reached for more waffles, until Sanji tutted at him.

“Usopp, I will gladly throw you under the bus if Luffy wakes up to no breakfast.”

His eyes went wide as he dropped the waffles, and you giggled along with Nami. 

“Anyone check on Luffy? He’s snoring so loud I thought there was something wrong with the Sunny,” Franky questioned as he sauntered in, chugging cola while he coiffed his hair. 

“Let’s let him rest, I'm sure he’ll be running in here to inhale everything in the fridge when he’s feeling better,” Sanji declared as he ran his fingers along your shoulder while he poured your coffee. 

The four of you settled down when the rest of the crew left, Sanji finally starting on his own breakfast. 

For so long there’d been nothing to discuss at these check ins. They were just a lovely, quiet time to connect with each other. Today was different. 

“I didn't see you at the party after dinner, Y/N. Did you find someone to enjoy the evening with?”

Robin’s eyes sparkled as she asked, always so eager to know about everyone’s experiences, if they felt like sharing. 

“I did, actually.”

You’d been together long enough, been through so much with each other, that Zoro didn’t even tense around you like he used to. It made you feel so safe, knowing that he trusts you.

But now your throat was tight with anxiety at what he might feel today. 

“So, do we get to hear about this lucky lover?” 

“It was Luffy.”

Sanji choked on his eggs, coughing and sputtering while Robin handed him his water. Her face showed more shock than you’d seen for a long time, her brows lifted, lips parted. 

Zoro did tense then, and you could see his brows tensing. 

“Sorry, my love. Did you say Luffy,” Sanji asked when he was able to breathe again. 

“Mmhm,” you said, nodding. You felt like you were floating a little outside of your body, not quite here.

“Wow, uh, I didn’t think that Luffy…”

Robin patted Sanji’s hand as she cut in.

“Will you be seeing each other again?”

“I think it was just for one night. He just said he wanted to make me feel good.”

“I don’t want to hear about it,” Sanji said as he shook his head back and forth, wide eyed.

You choked on a laugh as Robin mouthed ‘I do.’

“I know we’ve been okay with one night stands without checking in first. Last night happened so fast, and I’m sorry. I feel like I should have checked in before, I just never expected…”

Zoro had pulled his arm away from around your shoulder, leaning his elbows on the table while he looked down at his hands. 

“Z-Zoro?”

“It’s fine, Y/N. It’s okay.”

His gruff voice was hard to read, but fear and shame bubbled in your stomach.

“Do you want-”

“I’m fine. Just need a minute.”

Your breath caught in your throat as you watched Zoro stand and walk out of the room, still limping slightly from his injuries. You choked out a small sob as your hand reached to your chest.

Robin sent hands around you, rubbing your back and your hair while small, scared tears started to fall.

Sanji reached across the table and you took his offered hand. You were so grateful to have them both, their soft eyes holding you in comfort, while your body filled with fear and guilt.

“Y/N, you didn’t do anything wrong. We have all taken advantage of the one night stand agreement.”

“But this is Luffy,” you whispered, voice hoarse already.

Sanji shook his head slightly, still looked dazed at that news, while Robin dipped her head toward you.

“It was within our agreement. Now Zoro needs some time, and you both can talk about it. It’ll be okay.”

Your lips quivered at her words, closing your eyes for a long moment. 

“How do you guys feel about it?”

You and Robin both looked at Sanji with his mouth opening and closing a few times. He cleared his throat, voice a bit higher than normal. 

“I see no problem at all with you enjoying his, uh, company. I’m just shocked that- I just didn’t expect…”

Neither did I,” you breathed out, shaking your head.

“I think it’s just lovely,” Robin said with a smirk.

“Of course you do.”

You let out a soft laugh while her teasing smile brought you back to the moment. 

“I’m going to go look for him.”

“He might need some more time, sweetheart. There’s not enough brains in that moss head for him to sort things out so quickly.”

You gave Sanji’s shoulder a light slap as you passed him.

“I know. I just want him to know I’m here for him.”

~

You found Zoro leaning over the railing, looking out over the calm sea. 

“Hi.”

He glanced at you, and you were so grateful to see no anger in his eyes. He just looked away, hands gripping the railing. 

“I just want to tell you I’m here if you want to talk. Or just sit together. But I’ll give you space if you want me too. Whatever you need.”

Zoro took a deep breath, exhaling while he closed his eyes. He turned to you, and you were frozen, desperately waiting to know if he was okay. 

“I’m not mad, Needy. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

You bit your lip to keep it from shaking. 

“It’s just… he’s my capt-”

Zoro reached for you as you yelped, but he was too late. An arm had stretched out and curled your waist, until you were flinging backwards, hearing your captain shouting your name. 

He pulled you into the hallway, then carried you into the galley.

“Good morning, Y/N! How are you feeling?”

You were too breathless to reply, grabbing onto the table for support as he set you down. Luffy started eating the rest of the crew's breakfast, grinning at you through mouthfuls of food. 

Sanji and Robin were at the counter, mouths wide as they stared. 

“Luffy-” 

“I feel so good this morning!”

Still catching your breath, you couldn’t help but laugh at his manic voice, his eyes filled with that spark that sets him apart.

“Luffy, you can’t just grab a lady like tha-”

You held your hand out toward Sanji, not wanting him to speak for you. You needed Luffy to listen to you. Luckily Robin understood, and led a red faced Sanji out of the kitchen. 

Luffy swallowed his bite long enough to lean toward you conspiratorially, speaking in a stage whisper.

“Can we play again today?”

Shivers ran up your skin at his heated look, still so filled with his manic energy. Clearing your throat, you managed to get some words out. 

Lu-Luffy, it was a wonderful night. But nothing more can happen until everyone else feels okay with it.”

His brows tensed in confusion, his emotions often so easy to read.

“But you’re always so happy all together. Won’t you be more happy? We can keep feeling good.”

He’d stopped eating, even using the tablecloth to wipe his face while he stared at you.

“Is that what you want Luffy? And we are all happy because we check in, and listen to each other about what we need and want.”

“I want to feel good. I want you to feel good. I want to taste you, and eat you, and touch you.”

His hand stretched out to touch your jaw, his thumb rubbing lightly at the corner of your lips.

Shivering, you moved his hand away.

“That sounds wonderful, Luffy. But I know you want your crew to be happy right. I have to make sure they're okay before we do anything else.”

“I can check!”

“Wha- no, Luffy!”

You were in the air again, his arms holding you as he charged out onto the deck again. Your face was flushed red as you saw Zoro turn toward his captain’s voice, his jaw clenching. 

“Zoro, Zoro - can I help you make Y/N feel good?”

“Luffy st-stop, put me down, please.”

Sanji stepped up beside Zoro, eyes narrowing as Luffy set you down. 

You turned your back on them to face your captain.

“Luffy, I’m not ready to tell you yes, or no yet. Please give me time to decide.”

He looked into your face, his deep, brown eyes so intense. His breath was heavy as he looked from your eyes, to your mouth, and back again.

“Y-Yes, Y/N, I’m sorry.”

With a sigh of relief, you touched his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Luffy. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

You turned to see that Robin had joined the boys. She came toward you as Luffy walked away, the mania seeming to have seeped out of him for the moment. 

Robin nudged you all up, and you silently followed her to the crow’s nest. She turned to you, pulling you into a gentle hug.

“Are you, okay?”

“Not yet,” you whispered as you looked into Zoro’s eyes, hating his blank stare. Sanji’s jaw was still clenching slightly, and you felt sick.

Robin stepped in to ask the questions the boys couldn’t.

“Do you want to continue seeing Luffy?”

Exhaling sharply, you felt your fingers gripping against your thighs until Robin took your hands again.

“I honestly hadn’t thought about it. I thought it was a one time thing.”

“But would you want more if that was an option?”

“... Not if everyday would be like today. Not if it would disturb what we all have together.”

You couldn’t read the expressions on the boys’ faces.

“So if a balance could be found, you would enjoy spending more time with Luffy?”

You let yourself breathe and truly sit with the question. It was all so out of the blue, it had never seemed like an option before last night. And today was absolute chaos. 

You thought of the intensity in his stare when he looked at you, when he wanted you and your pleasure. You thought of how ridiculous he is, and how much you admire him, even with his chaos. 

You thought of Zoro, of how he’d grown so much in your time together, finally able to speak his needs. I don’t want to hurt him.

“I would be interested in seeing what it would be like. But absolutely not if it made any of you feel uncomfortable.”

Everyone was silent, and you tried to relax, focusing on the gentle breeze caressing your face. 

Clearing his throat, Sanji leaned toward you. 

“I would support you in exploring, uh. In pursuing your- um, in following your desires,” he said, his nervous smile fading for a moment. “However, if he mistreats you or handles you that way again, we will have a problem.”

“I agree,” Robin chimed in. “If you are going to explore that, we will have to ensure that our captain understands your boundaries.”

Sanji gave a choked laugh. Robin seemed to fight her small smile at him before returning her eyes to yours. 

“He is our captain, but you are our partner. If he can’t respect your boundaries, then I will not be able to support you seeing each other.”

Nodding slowly, you turned to meet Zoro’s gaze again, needing him to speak. He finally did. 

“He’s my captain. I won’t stand in the way of his happiness.”

Frowning slightly, you stepped closer.

“I won’t stand in the way of your happiness, Zoro. I don't need to do this. You are my priority.”

His lips pursed, and he looked over the railing. You couldn’t breathe, until he reached out, gently taking your hand. 

“It’s okay, Y/N. If you want to try, I’m okay with it,” he said, his voice soft while your chest filled with warmth. “Besides, he may be my captain, but I will still kick his ass if he grabs you like that again.”

“So will I,” you heard Sanji agree while you launched into Zoro’s arms. Breathing him in, you felt so safe. 

Robin and Sanji both held you too before you climbed back down to the deck. Your whole body was buzzing. Is this really happening?

Luffy was suddenly there, grinning at you all.

“So, can I help?”

Robin’s bright laugh was too much, and you couldn’t hold back a soft chuckle. Especially when you caught Nami across the deck, looking at you like you’d just turned into a whale.

“Luffy, there are some rules-”

“Can we do rules later,” he whined as he stepped toward you.

“Listen here, captain. Y/N’s not a toy, and you’re gonna have to share.”

“Share like a toy?”

He looked genuinely confused and you groaned at the frustrated growls from Sanji and Zoro. Robin’s laughter was like lovely background music, keeping the tone light.

Robin stepped in, walking up close to you. 

“Luffy, why don’t you join us at our meeting tomorrow after breakfast and we can tell you how things work.”

“Okay,” Luffy nodded, his grin growing wider as he kept his hungry eyes on you. 

“Do you want to go with him now?”

Robin’s whisper sent shivers through you. You looked at Luffy’s hands, clenching on air to keep from grabbing at you.

“Yes,” you whispered back, feeling a bit insane. 

“Luffy, you always need to ask Y/N what she wants before doing it, otherwise I will personally throw you into the sea.”

Robin’s dark voice made everyone go still, and you adored her even more. 

Luffy looked at her now, brows furrowed as he nodded at her. He turned his eyes back to you, looking serious, and determined, and you fought a laugh. 

“Y/N, do you wanna come with me?”

You looked back at your partners, loving each of them so much, especially for trusting you. Turning your eyes back to your captain, you smiled in disbelief, still not sure how you’d managed all of this. 

“Yes, captain.”

Luffy didn’t stretch his arms and fling you this time, but he did grab you, and fling you over his shoulder while he ran inside. You heard Robin laughing over the boys’ outrage, and you laughed breathlessly as you watched her hold them back for you. 

“Wait, Luffy!”

He stopped immediately, still holding you over his shoulder until you tapped him.

I just have to grab something, I’ll meet you there.”

His smile faltered, and you shook your head, leaning close to reassure him.

“I’m just grabbing a condom, unless you have some in your room?”

His grin returned, and he waited for you outside your quarters, before grabbing your wrist and dragging you to his.

He slammed the door closed behind you, and then you were gasping for air. 

Luffy’s mouth and hands were taking you over. His tongue invaded your mouth while he grabbed at your shoulders and hips, fingers slipping beneath your clothes to grab more of you. 

You reached your own hands to his lower back, teasing at his warm skin. The feel of his teeth as he sucked your lower lip into your mouth made you moan, feeling your body twisting for him already. 

“Mm, I’m so glad you wanna play with me.”

Gasping at his raspy words in your ear, you reached to grab the hair at the back of his neck beneath his hat, loving the sounds he made for you.

“How do you want to play, Luffy?”

He lifted you, carrying you to the bed before setting his hat down gently. 

“I wanna make you feel good.”

Your eyes rolled back, until you moaned softly for him. Luffy was rubbing and squeezing his hands all over your body over your clothes. 

Sitting up to remove them, you fell back as he pounced on you, licking and sucking at your neck. You reached up to pull at his hair now that you could grab more of his soft curls. 

Luffy moaned in your ear, and started rutting against your center. The feel of his cock, so hard under all the clothes, made your back arch. 

“That feel good, Y/N?”

“Mmhmm.”

He whimpered as he kept going, and the pressure on your clit was making your breath hitch. 

Reaching and clawing at him, you got him out of his shirt. You tried to pull his shorts down, but he kept moaning and rutting against you, driving you mad now. 

“Please Luffy, I need more.”

“Mm, more what,” he breathed in your ear as he left trails of sloppy kisses along your neck and jaw. Crying out for him, you felt your body writhing, needy for more. 

“Please fuck me, Luffy. I want to feel you.”

He thrust against you harder now, the friction of your clothes starting to be too much, making you whimper.

“You okay,” Luffy asked as he pulled back, concern covering his features.

“I’m okay, Luffy, just please fuck me.”

As his manic grin returned, he helped free you from your clothes. He got distracted by your breasts, touching, squeezing, licking, and sucking until you were shaking and dripping with need. 

“Lu-Luffy…”

“Where’s the-”

You pointed desperately at your clothes, panting as he fisted the condom onto his swollen cock. 

“Y/N, I’m a rubber man!”

His cheesy grin as he gestured to himself with the condom on made you burst out laughing.

“Yes, you are,” you managed to breathe out before he was on you again, kissing the laughter away. 

He rubbed his cock up and down along your folds, drenching himself in all your wetness. He gripped his length, toying with your clit until you were tearing up.

“P-Please, Luffy!”

“You really wanna play with me, huh, Y/N?

All you could do was nod, your whole body burning, needing release. 

Luffy lined himself up, and plunged into you. He muffled your moan by shoving his tongue back down your throat. 

You were so close from all his teasing. The feel of him thrusting into you while his hands kept grabbing hungrily at you was overwhelming. You clawed at his back, and he groaned into your mouth, the sensations overwhelming you until you were over the edge.

Bucking under him, you held your screams in since you weren’t sure if Franky had soundproofed his room. Until Luffy bit your neck, and dug his fingers into your skin. You screamed his name then, and his moans got louder.

He kept fucking you while you came down, and you were already so overstimulated.

“P-Please-”

“Felt so good, squeezing me like that, Y/N. Do it again, pleease.”

Luffy’s desperate voice cracked you, and you couldn’t resist.

“Yes, Luffy, come for me please.”

He groaned, pulling away from your upper body, but continuing to thrust into you. He was on his knees now, and he lifted one of your legs over his shoulder. His rhythm got faster and harder at the new angle, and you were almost there again, crying out his name. 

His dark eyes looked down at you, sending chills across your skin.

He brought one of his thumbs to your clit, at the same time that he started kissing and licking at your calf over his shoulder, and you raked your nails across your own skin as you came on his cock again. 

You heard his groans of pleasure seconds before you felt his cock twitch inside of you, feeling the force of his release within you. He dropped your leg, making you both gasp as he slipped out. Then he covered your body, laying on top of you while you laughed and struggled to breathe. 

“Lu-Luffy?”

He mumbled something at you, and you shook him as best you could. 

“Luffy, I can't breathe.”

He bolted upright, his sleepy look making you laugh. 

“Let’s clean up.”

He looked down at the very full condom and giggled.

“Rubber,” you asked, shaking your head at your ridiculous captain.

His smile widened, and he stretched his arm across the room to grab a towel for you, waiting for you before cleaning himself off. 

“Are you hungry,” he asked, looking like a starving puppy.

“I need a few minutes, Luffy.”

“Oh, right!”

Luffy crawled back into bed, curling himself around you. You twitched as he started grabbing, and kissing, and sucking at your skin again.

“Luffy!”

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

He’d pulled back, looking scared.

“No, I’m just sensitive after all of that.”

“Sorry, Y/N. Did it feel good?”

“Mm, so good, Luffy.”

He cuddled up closer to you then, this time keeping his hands and mouth still. For a while you sat there, running through all that had happened since last night. This is wild. 

You stroked your fingers through your captain's hair, his snores not enough to keep you from napping with him. 

Jolting awake, you yelped at Luffy's face inches from yours.

“Are you hungry yet, Y/N?”

Luffy had thrown on his clothes, and looked like he was dying of hunger as he rocked from side to side in front of you. Laughing, you reached for your clothes, ready to restart this crazy day. 

“Yes, captain.”

Thank You For Reading! 💜

TurtleTaub Fanfic Masterlist

Buy me a coffee ☕🙏🏼

A/N: After writing the first part, I just couldn't picture this Luffy being satisfied with one night so 🤷🏼 Lol, I hope you enjoyed this miniseries!

[acesinferno]

Fateful Encounters (Donquixote "Corazon" Rosinante X Reader)

I'm starting to think all my favorite One Piece characters are actually dead which is pretty sad for me. Oh well, we're going to do another dead favorite. Depending on how much I enjoy these fan fics, I might aim for 2 a day cause I really have a lot of thoughts and ideas accumulating in this brain. Also I'd expect drabbles and small form thoughts that pop in my brain to make their way onto this page too.

Also quick input, Why is Ray Chase like the most recognizable voice to me. I feel like he's always my favorite characters and I'll go to see who voices him and I'm like YOU?!?! AGAIN?!?! I have a love for all of the Final Fantasy 15 boys. I've 100 percent of that game done except catching all the fish which I am working on.

Also I have been awake for over 24 hours while writing this, I'm sorry it's not the most cohesive plot. That's the fun of doing this when inspiration strikes, some of it comes out jumbled.

Synopsis: After saving him from his own clumsy curse multiple times, Corazon can't get you out of his mind. He wants to learn more about you and begins to seek you out even if it means having more accidents.

Additional Stuff: Meet-Cute, Fluff

Potential Trigger Warnings and other mentions: Strong Language, Burns, Cora's regular clumsy antics.

Word Count: 1.4K

Pairing: Donquixote "Corazon" Rosinante X GN!Reader

The 9'7" Giant had tripped again. It's not his fault he was so damn clumsy. He had to be cursed or something. He had fallen down the stairs and landed directly on top of a passerby. He looked down at them underneath him for a second before he realized that he was still pinning them to the ground. 

He quickly stands up and begins waving his hands erratically, patting his large feathered coat until he finds what he is looking for. His pen and paper. 'I AM SO SORRY!' He writes in big, bold letters and holds it out and shakes it at them for them to read. 

"Hey now, I can't read it when you're shaking it like that." You laugh and reach out and grab his hand to stop him from moving the paper. "It's fine. I didn't think you meant to fall on top of me." You tell him. "Are you okay though? It was a pretty mean fall." The concerned look in your eyes doesn't escape him as he nods. 

"Ahhh, good. Well, I'm glad I could catch you, even if unconventionally." You comment with a wide grin that almost matched his makeup. You quickly tell him your name before tacking on. "I'll see you around. I've got somewhere I need to be right now. Have a good day!" You turn and begin to walk off with a polite wave of your hands, not even waiting for him to write down his answer. For a moment he thinks about chasing after you. Just to tell you his name, but he quickly shakes off the idea and returns to his previous task. 

Days have gone by, but Rosinante just can't get that fateful interaction out of his mind. He knew nothing about you, just your name. As he stands there smoking his cigarette in the entrance of an alleyway where he had first met you, he hears a squawk of surprise from nearby. "You're on fire!" Someone screams and runs over and pulls him down and begins to pat the flames of his feathered coat out. 

When he looks up, he realizes it's you again. "You really are the most unlucky guy I think I've ever laid my eyes on." You laugh. "How does that even happen?" You question, your eyes meeting his as he turns a bright shade of red. 

'Just clumsy, I guess.' He writes down before taking the pad of paper back and begins to write another sentence. 'I'm Corazon.' He informs her with the next pass of the pad. 

"Charmed." You chuckle and repeat your name to him again. "Tell me. If you're this clumsy, why wear the jacket while you smoke?" You interrogate. He stands there for a second dumbstruck. Had he really never thought of that? The coat is usually the main thing that catches fire. His hand immediately smacks his face only to be burned by his cigarette. 

Luckily, his devil fruit ability was up, or you would hear him scream like a bitch. You can tell by his face that he is in fact screaming, though. "Oh shit! Let me see!" You command and grab his hand, taking a look at his now burned hand. Slinging your backpack off your back, you open it and pull out a small first aid kit. Acting as fast as you can, you get some burn ointment out and put it on the burn to help ease the sting you know he's feeling. 

"Alright, gonna wrap this up for now so the burn cream doesn't get everywhere and to make sure it doesn't get infected." You explain as you pull a roll of bandages out and begin to wrap his hand up like a professional. He stares at you with a look of shock and nods down at you. 

When you turn back to look at him, you see his face is flushed an even darker shade of red. He grabs his pen and paper and writes again. 'Thank you.' He tells you through his scribbled words. He's looking at you with a look of bewilderment like no one has patched him up before.

"Don't worry about it." You nod and turn around. "It was nice to meet you, Corazon. Hope we don't meet like this again." You comment and walk off again. Rosinante is completely in awe of how you can just waltz in and help him and then immediately leave again as if you didn't turn his world upside down in mere moments. 

His thoughts are fully consumed by you now; he's staring down at the bandages when the memory of his last meeting with you graces his thoughts. Of course, he should know by now to not look down while he's walking. He trips over a large rock and finds himself in the town's fountain. "Corazon?" He hears a familiar voice behind him ask. He turns over in the fountain as best he can and sees you there, grinning at him. 

"It's nice to see you again, but we really need to quit meeting like this." You extend your hand out to his good one to pull him up to his feet. He grabs your hand and lets himself be pulled up, only he gets pulled a little harder than he expected and crashes into you. The giant of a man is practically engulfing your entire body underneath his for a moment before immediately rolling off of you. 

He grabs his notepad out of his jacket again, even though it's completely soaked, and begins to compose a new note. 'I'm sorry, I was distracted,' he pouts out to you. You take the wet paper from him and have to look at it carefully because of how illegible the ink is on the soggy parchment. 

"It's fine!" You laugh with a wide smile on your face. "What were you distracted by, if I may ask?" You interrogate him as you seem to search over his large form for any signs that he is hurt. The trick is there isn't really a time he isn't hurting in some way, shape, or form. The scars that cover his body from his life still ache on occasions, and his clumsy curse never lets him go a day without some new scratch or bruise. He's lucky it's usually not worse than that. 

He looks away from you as your question registers in his mind. He had been thinking about you and how he wanted to meet you again. His face is a crimson red color as he tries to think up a way to explain his thoughts or maybe even just lie about them altogether. He looks down at the pad of paper in his hand and resigns himself to the truth, 'You.' He scratches out. 'I was thinking about how weird it is we keep meeting like this.' He scribbles and hands the pad to you. 

He hears you laugh with such joy at his word, and he wants to hide in case he embarrassed himself. "Honestly, it is a very weird coincidence, and this just goes to prove it. It's like fate, I'd say. Is there any other explanation you've thought up, Corazon?" You ask with a beaming smile. He's looking over at you from his place on the ground beside you and shakes his head no. 

"Well, what do you think we should do about that, then?" You question him with a mischievous look in your eyes before he snatches his notebook from your hands with force and starts to compose a new message to you. 

'A date! Let me take you out on a date!' He expresses through his written words. He shakes the pad at you much like he did the first day you met. When you grab his arm to steady his hand, you read it, and this time it's your turn to blush. 

"You want to go on a date... with me?" You ask, to which he nods vehemently in response. Before he can write anything else, you tackle him back to the ground in a hug, his soggy clothes making yours a little damp as well. "Of course, Corazon!" You respond. "I'd love to go on a date with you!" 

He wraps his arms around your torso and holds you to him for a minute, a large smile gracing his painted lips. He hasn't been this happy in a long time, and he can't wait to see what the future holds for the both of you. And honestly, you can't either.

[lynxtheserval]

Can i request Self-awake! Yandere! Illumina x player! reader? reader main sword

deadass kinda hard to write with limited information so I'm so sorry if it's bad or ooc!

Also! This wasn't the best writing I've done so I'm so sorry for that, but schools been hella crazy ngl

Might do a part 2 if y'all want , but it might take a while to make haha

Self-Aware!Yan!Illumina x player!reader

(TW: not as hard on the yandere aspects, but still a tw for stalking (kinda), kidnapping (also kinda), and curse words)

It was a normal day for you, at first at least. You got up, went to your classes in college, went back to your dorm, and played a Roblox game for a little while. You played Slap Battles for a good moment or two until you got bored of slapping children off a cliff with your overpowered paid glove. You then got back onto your favorites page, and saw a game you haven't played in like… a week.

Phighting.

It seems it got some sort of update, because the game icon changed to… some sorta deity looking thing. You didn't know much about the lore, you were mostly just playing the game for the gameplay. You had no idea what or who the icon was showing, but you went into the game without a second thought.

It loaded up like normal, same old music, same old map, same old characters… seems like nothing much has changed.

So you picked your main, Sword, and got into the game. You went to where Zuka was, pressing all the buttons you needed to get into the game.

It loaded.

And loaded.

And loaded.

Why the hell was it taking so long?

You started getting a little frustrated, and made an audible sigh of annoyance. You tried to close the game, but.. you couldn't? You went to the task manager, and tried closing Roblox from there, but Roblox didn't even show up! In fact.. nothing did. Your computer was messed up. You tried to turn off the computer as a whole, but surprise surprise, it didn't turn off.

“What the fuck..?” You murmured.

Then your computer froze completely. You tried clicking every button, tried turning it off AGAIN, and anything you could think of, until the computer suddenly unfroze.

You looked back up at the screen, and you saw you were.. still in Phighting, somehow. You were still in Crossroads, But every other player was gone, and all the NPCs were too, you were alone.

“What the hell..?” You decided to look around the map, or the middle part of Crossroads at least.

Then you saw something in the chat. A name in purple-ish white text. A name reading: Illumina.

“Hello, I've been waiting for your arrival, Y/n.”

It.. it knew your name. Not your username, but your ACTUAL FUCKING NAME. Your own computer doesn't even know your own name! You use your username for everything!

You managed to type in the chat:

“Hello? How do you know my name?”

“I know a lot about you, my dear. Now why don't you come meet me face to face, hm?”

Your computer froze again. Then, out of nowhere, your body started hurting, your ears started ringing, your eyes got blurry, your head started aching, it felt like you were dying. You soon passed out.

You woke up startled. You quickly sat up, but your head didn't seem to be feeling too great. Once your vision calmed down and you were able to see again, you looked around at where you were. You seemed to be in some brightly lit white room with no door and no windows. You got up from the oddly comfortable bed you woke up in and stood up. And with a thud, you fell onto the floor, your legs giving up on you.

“You won't be able to walk for a few hours, Y/N. So stop trying.”

You heard a voice, intimidating and masculine in nature. You looked up towards the voice.

A man, or what looks to be a man, was looking down at you. A bright figure, with one wing, dressed in mostly flowy clothes. He was wearing mostly white, but had a hint of purple in his outfit as well. Not to mention, one purple horn protruding from the left side of his head, with two other small horns coming out of the main one.

You moved to try to get up again but before you could, the man picked you up, and placed you back on the bed. You both made eye contact, his eyes… they were completely white, and bright, they seemed like they would blind you if you looked in them too long. He took notice of this, and smiled slightly.

“Good morning, love. Are you feeling okay? Humans.. I do not know if they handle world transportation well.”

“I.. who.. who are you..?” You managed to ask, it was hard for you to talk, it seemed.

“I am Illumina, and you are Y/N, such a lovely name.”

He placed a pale hand on your cheek, and laughed a little when you tried to pull away. You were confused, and scared, but you felt so.. weak, that you didn't have enough energy to push back too hard.

“Y/N, do not worry. I’ll take good care of you.”

“Wh..what do you mean..? Wh..where am I..?”

“You're home.”

[footballfanficwriter]

The break up pt3

Summary:where Jude is Determined to get to the bottom of the reader's distress after finding her at Jobe's Match

⚠️mentions of abuse and physical abuse⚠️

A/n: This is still written from Jude's POV like pt.2 also don't play the song yet I'll let you know when to play it

We just got home from Jobe's match and he's obviously much calmer then he was when we left the house

"Ok what's the first order of business, Mr.stalker"

"Don't call me that, and the first thing we need to do is search all my fanpages"

"Why are we doing that"

"If this guy posted those pictures that we took together, which he most likely did, the fan pages will tag him and reveal his profile

"So what we're just going to wait until he posts the picture?"

"Exactly" I say

"For a detective, you're a very horrible one"

"Patience is the key to success"

"I wonder where that will get you"

After waiting for about 2 hours one of the fan accounts posted the picture of me and the guy with a tag to his profile

The rest of the night is spent trying to find any information that we can but everything is just a dead end

Y/n hasn't posted anything since we broke up, her "boyfriend" also doesn't post either unless it's on his story and he doesn't  have anything highlighted so we can't even see previous stories that he's posted

"Don't you think it's time to give it all up?, we've been at it for hours" Jobe asks

"Jobe, I think I've actually lost her, there's no way we're going to find her now, nothing on her account indicates where she could be, or where she could Be living"

"Jude I think it's time to let it go"

I sigh not knowing what to so next

"I think I'm gonna go to bed" I say

"Why don't you just find someone else to be with I'm sure it won't be that difficult"

"But that's the thing I don't want anyone else, I want her, and the time I actually want to care for her and help her she's not reachable, I feel so stupid, she was right there In front of me and I didn't do anything, I didn't approach or try to at least make contact,  I just stood there"

"You're being hard on yourself"

"This is the punishment I have to face for what I did"

"You went to therapy"

"It clearly isn't enough"

"You'll get over it Jude, sooner or later you will get over it and you'll look back on this moment and you'll laugh"

I give him a tight lipped smile as I can see that he's trying to cheer me up, I mean I love Jobe but sometimes the idiot is just annoying, most of the time he's supportive and is always there as my comfort

I call it a night and go to bed and fall asleep, well I try to fall asleep, I just lie awake staring at the ceiling

For the next 3-4 days my family and I are spending quality time and sharing family moments and making memories

"Jude, c'mon mate we're  gonna be late for the reservation"

"Bro what are you on about I'm the only one that's ready amongst the four of us"

After everyone is dressed and ready to go to the restaurant that we usually go to when we spend family time

When we arrive we order our food and coverstation starts flowing

I glance out the window and see a woman walking with her child in a pram/stroller

That's Y/n, she looks totally oblivious to her environment around her and doesn't seem to notice the truck coming up next to her as she's crossing the street

I quickly get up and run out of the restaurant to try and save the baby that is about to be killed

I run as fast as I can and make it just in time to pull the pram/stroller back onto the pavement/sidewalk

All that seems to have snapped y/n out of her trans and she looks at me like she's only just noticing my presence now

(Play the song)

"What are you doing here Jude"

"I was saving this baby"

"From what?"

"The truck"

"What truck?"

"The one that was about to kill the baby"

She sight and whispers "not again" under her breath

"Give me my baby back" she says

"Your baby?"

"Yeah"

I hand the baby back to her and she takes him and places him back into the pram/stroller

"Hey listen why don't you come back home with us, you look out of it right now and it's obviously not safe for the baby, i'll drive you back home"

"No thanks"

"C'mon y/n don't be like that, I promise I'm not going to do anything, you're free to leave any time you want"

"Fine" she says

I call the rest of my family and they greet Y/n, we go back home after our dinner date was cut jot due to the events that took place

When we arrive back home mum won't let this child go, she just refuses to put him down

Y/n sits on the couch like she's scared she'll ruin something

"Can I get you something?" I ask

"No thank you"

"C'mon y/n, don't be like that, let's talk"

"Jude I've got a lot of things on my plate right now to be stressing or talking about the past"

"I don't like the way we ended things"

"We wouldn't have had to end things if you had just kept it in your pants"

I look down in my lap not being able to face her and look her in the eyes

"I'm sorry"

"How many times have I  heard those words"

"This time I mean it"

"Whatever, can I have my child back now, I wanna leave, coming here was a mistake"

"Before you go I have one more thing to ask"

"What?"

"Is he mine"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because he looks like me"

"So?"

"That's usually an indicator of parental relation"

"Give me back my baby"

"Answer the question"

"I don't owe you anthing"

"I deserve to know, did you cheat on me?"

"Oh please Jude I am not like you, I don't cheat on people I'm in a relationship with"

"Then why won't you tell me"

"Because I don't want to"

"That's not an answer"

"Well then shame, give me my baby"

"Answer the question is that little boy in there my son"

She's silent

"Answer"

"Yes, he is"

To be continued...

Kidding, continue reading

"You kept that all away from me?, didn't you think I deserved to know?"

"Remember the day I left you, we had reservations made at a restaurant and we couldn't go because you'd forgotten we had plans and you came home drunk"

I nod my head indicating that I understand

"That was the day I was gonna tell you, that you and I would be parents"

"But still you should've told me"

"You came back home drunk, you'd forgotten the dinner reservations, you came back home with a hikey on your neck and having a feminine smell on your clothes, I obviously was'nt gonna tell you"

I step closer to her and place my hands on her arms and slightly grip on her arms

She flinches like I've just hit her

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah"

"I'm so sorry"

"I refuse to do this with you Jude" she says moving away from my hold

I try to ignore her rejection but I can't it's right there and I can't ignore it

"Can I have my child back now"

"He's our child"

"You were not there when he was born, all your rights of being a father have been revoked"

"I didn't know if I knew I would have been there"

"Well it's not my fault you decided to cheat, you made the choices you made and I never pressured you to do any of the things you did"

"So what are you going to do now?, this boy needs a father in his life, how are you going to fill the shoes of both a mother and a father?"

"I won't need to, because he already has a father"

"Who?"

"Chase"

"Who, the guy you were with at the stadium?"

"Yeah"

"You can't do that"

"Watch me, now I'm leaving"

"You convinced another guy that he was the father of our child"

"Oh no he knows, he's just there for support and to fill in the shoes you can't"

"Bit harsh innit"

"Whatever Jude"

She's about to go to the Kitchen to get the baby from my mom but I pull her by her long sleeve and it reveals her shoulder where I see a bruise

"What's that?" I ask

She looks at her shoulder and quickly pulls her shirt up

I have to get out of here" she says and walks away but before she can do that I pull her back

I take her arm and pull her sleeve up to reveal more bruises

"What happened"

"I bumped myself"

"You must have bumped yourself a lot of times then"

"Yeah I did"

"You're lying"

"What?"

"You're lying"

"What makes you say that"

"Your lip slightly twitches when you lie, but you have to watch it closely or else you miss it"

"You're such a creep"

"It's not creepy to notice, things about a person it just means I pay attention to the small things"

"Yeah well I notice small things as well"

"Oh yeah like what?"

"Like I notice how before every match you go to the pitch and you step in with your left foot then right, point each foot before crossing the line, poke the grass and wipe of the dirt of your pants"

"Yeah well that's not really something" I say

"Oh what about, when you're nervous"

"What do I do when I'm nervous"

"You wipe your eyebrows with your right hand, wiping your left first then your right"

"Ok fine then, I guess you do pay attention"

"See, I always pay attention to the little things"

"Yeah,and it seems like I can as well" I say

She pulls her hand out of mine and walks away

"Y/n, is he abusing you?"

She stops in her tracks and doesn't turn around

"No, he doesn't"

"Turn around"

She slowly turns around and looks down to the floor, I walk closer to her and lift her head up with my finger

"Does he abuse you"

"No" she says

"Your lip twitched"

"No it didn't"

"Y/n it did"

"No it didn't"

"So he abuses you"

"Sometimes"

"How often is somtimes?"

"Depends on what happens"

"What would provoke him to beat you?"

"If his favorite football team doesn't win, if I don't do something the way he wants me too, if the baby is crying and I can't keep him quiet"

"Y/n, that's not right"

"It's fine"

"No it's not"

"Jude it's fine, I've gotten use it"

"I'm gonna kill him, where is he"

"Jude stop , I have to live with it, I can't leave him, he took everything from me, he  forced me to quit my job, took away my savings and took away any assets that I had for myself"

It's quiet for some time and I look at her and she looks like she's thinking about a lot

"Is my taste in men really that bad, am I really that desperate for love that even when there are clear and obvious signs that I'm not loved I still stay?" She asks herself crying

"What do you mean? I ask

" I was in love with a man that cheates then got pregnant by him, then I moved out and got into a relationship with an abuser and now I have nothing"

"Y/n, there aren't any words in this world to Express how sorry I am for everything that I've done to you, I just really need you to know that, and I'm working on myself i really am, I've started going to therapy and my therapist says that I've made a lot of progress"

"That's very good for you Jude, I'm proud of you for finally taking my advice, I know how scared you were"

She moves to the sofa and sits in silence, I move to the sofa next to her and sit next to her and we sit In silence until I break it

"Come live with me"

"What"

"I'm not saying get back together with me, I'm just saying come live with me, you and our baby boy, we'll co parent and that's as far as our relationship will go, we'll share the responsibilities of parents and we can help eachother"

"I don't know Jude"

"Please, I want to prove that I can be a good father and that I can be there for my son, I want to be present in my child's life"

"What about Chase?"

As she says that her phone rings, she looks at her phone then back at me

"It's him"

"Hello?"

"Yeah, I decided to take Enzo for a walk, he was restless and he didn't want to sleep so I thought I should take him out a bit"

"Yeah, we're on our way home soon"

"Yeah, I'll cook"

"He won't make a noise, yeah I promise it won't happen again"

"Bye, I love you too"

She hangs the phone and looks at me

"You're not going back there, I won't allow it, if I let you go there how do I know that you'll be safe?"

"Jude, please don't make this difficult"

"Y/n, I'm not letting you leave this house to go to an abuser"

"Stop"

"No"

"Jude"

"Y/n"

"Fine, but if he comes for me or my son you will be held responsible"

"Deal, so does that mean you're moving in with me?"

"Well I have no where else to go, my mother disowned me, and she doesn't know about Enzo, so yeah I guess we are"

"Great, we leave next week, so get everything you need cause we won't be back in England for some time"

"Ok but how am I suppose to do that with Chase as our obstacle, all our clothes and things are there in the house"

"We'll sneak into the house when he's at work and take your things"

"Ok"

"We'll leave tomorrow, for now just get comfortable and don't stress about anything"

"Thank you Jude"

"You're welcome y/n"

"Where is Enzo?"

"With my mom, c'mon I'll show you the guest room"

We walk upstairs and I show her to the guest room

"Here you are"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome, get some rest, I'll take care of Enzo"

"Ok thanks, remember he doesn't like to be held like a baby, also when you feed him use a spoon not a teaspoon, he doesn't like it, place a bib on him because he always makes a mess and if you want to put him to sleep hold him close to your chest and play late 90s-Early2000s R&B songs, he's just weird like that I don't know I think he gets it from you"

"Ok, don't worry I'll look after him"

"Thank you"

"No problem"

I walk out of the room and head downstairs to find everyone cooing at Enzo

"Are they staying?" Mom asks

"Yeah, they are, actually we're moving I

together"

"What?"

"They are coming with us to Madrid next week"

"Oh ok that's great" mom says

"So is he your child?"

"Yeah he is"

"Why didn't she tell you about him?" Dad asks

"Dad I wasn't honest with you when I told you the reason for My break up with y/n"

"Why did you do?"

"I cheated on her multiple  times and eventually she got fed up and left but it turns out when she left she was pregnant with my child and she didn't tell me, because I had upset her"

"My gosh Jude, how can you mess up like that"

"I know, I know but now we're ok we're moving in together and I've been going to therapy so I'm working on bettering myself"

"So you're getting back together?"

"No we're not, we just gonna be co parenting and sharing responsibilities because Y/n's boyfriend has been abusive towards her and just because we're not together anymore, doesn't mean I can't protect her"

"Well I'm glad, you know I've always wanted to be a grandma" mom says

"But taking care of a child is not easy" dad says

"That's why we'll have eachother"

"And me" mom says

I give her a thankful look and she smiles at me

"We going to get her and Enzo's things tomorrow, it's just clothes so we'll be fine"

"And what if you meat her boyfriend there, then what?"

"We won't, and even if we do he won't try anything,especially with me there"

"Ok Jude, but just be careful, you don't know what he's capable of" Mom says

"I will, I promise,Where's Enzo"

"Who?"

"The baby"

"That's his name?"

"Yeah"

"Oh how cute"

"Yeah, it is anyway where is he, he probably hasn't eaten"

I pick him up and walk to the kitchen to try and find something to each, I finally decide to in mash potatoes since he can't eat solid foods yet

After making the mashed potatoes I sit on the couch and place a towel on my leg because y/n said it gets messy when he eats

after feeding him and swiping his mouth I try to put him to sleep

So I walk to my room, switch the speaker on and put them on low volume so it's not so loud, I take my shirt off and carry him and he lays his head on my chest right by my heart and I start swaying from side to side while lightly singing along with the song

He eventually falls asleep, but I don't want to lay him down yet, and as if on queue the door opens to reveal y/n

"Hi" she says

"Hey"

"Is he asleep"

"Yeah, he is, your advice worked, he wasn't restless at all"

"Wait until you actually see his restless side, it won't be so pretty

"Yeah I can imagine, hey are ready to leave tomorrow?"

"Yeah a bit nervous but I'm ready"

"Ok, well if you need anything just let me know"

"Yeah, I just wanted to check on Enzo, Denise told me he was with you"

"Yeah"

"Ok well uhm if you need me I'll be in the guest room"

"I'll bring him in a few moments"

"Ok"

She leaves the room and closes the door on her way out leaving us both with her scent

I sigh and continue swaying from side to side with my son in my arms

After about an hour and 30 minutes I walk out of the room and walk to the guest room where y/n is

I knock on the door and she opened the door

"I just came to bring him back"

"Oh yeah, uhm you can place him on the bed"

I walk into the room and place Enzo on t3 bed and he coos

"Thanks "

"Yeah,oh and by the way we're leaving at 8:00 am Tomorrow"

"Ok, I'll see you Tomorrow"

"Great"

I leave the room and go to my own and just let the say sink in

After some time I decide to go to bed and sleep but like always I can't and I just end up starting at the ceiling until I hear my bedroom door open

"Jude?" I hear y/n voice in the dark

"Mh"

"Are you asleep?"

"No, what do you need"

"Enzo won't stop crying and I've tried everything but nothing is working, do you mind taking him, maybe he'll settle down"

"Sure bring him over" I say

She walks over towards me and places Enzo next to me, but he cries even more

Y/n picks him up and starts bouncing up and down trying to calm him down

"Come here" I say

"What?"

"Just trust me"

"Ok"

She gets into bed next to me

"Now what" she asks

"Lye on the bed and get comfortable"

She sighs but does it anyway

I do the same and enzo lies on his back and stops crying immediately

Cheeky little thing

After a few minutes I finally fall asleep.

The next day

It 7:30 in the morning and y/n and I need to leave the house in 30 minutes

We reach the apartment at 8:30 and she opens the door to the apartment and to say it was a mess would be an understatement

There were empty beer bottles lying everywhere on the floor broken glass, a couch that looked like it came from the junk yard every piece of furniture was horrible

"I'll get started" y/n says breaking me out of my trans

"Ok"

I walk around the apartment and the more I walk the more in disbelief I am, the fact that Enzo had to live here and how much abuse Y/n had to endure

I walk into a room that looks like it was once a baby's room but the cradle is in a pile of wood like it was smashed and in the corner is a mattress with a huge stain of blood in the middle with a blanket and a pillow

Y/n walks into the room

"I'm done packing"

"So quickly?"

"Yeah well there was not much anyway"

"Ok, let's go then"

We leave the apartment and drive back home in silence

"So I noticed there was no bed there, where did you and Enzo sleep"

"On the Mattress that you saw in the baby room"

"The one that had a huge stain on it?"

"Yeah"

"How did the blood get there"

"He'd hit me very hard one day and it was painful I could barely recognize my face in the mirror and instead of putting ice on my wounds I just slept on the mattress and bled there and I tried to wash the stain but it never came off , so I just cuddled him like teddy bear"

"I'm sorry, you had to go through that?"

"It's fine"

When we arrive at home Enzo is fast asleep thanks to my mother

"Hey mom"

"Hi love, you alright?"

"Yeah, we got everything we needed"

"Oh that's great, Enzo is asleep"

"Ok, thank you Denise"

"No problem love"

"Uhm y/n, I forgot to tell you but I got a message from Madrid yesterday and we have to cut our stay short, we need to leave the day after tomorrow"

"So this is our last day here?"

"Yeah it is but we'll come back eventually"

"It's fine, it's not like I have anything keeping me here"

"Ok, just be ready"

"Yeah I will, anyway I'm going to take a shower"

"Ok"

She walks upstairs and heads to the bathroom

"You still like her don't you?"

"Unfortunately, more then I would like to admit it"

"Just take it slow ok, think about your baby boy and everything will fall into place"

"Yeah, but she seems resistant"

"She's heartbroken Jude, she's obviously going to start pushing all her Male interests away"

"Yeah, I guess you're right"

2 days later

"Bye love, we'll see you soon ok , and we'll call you as soon as we arrive

"Ok mom, I love you"

"I love you too Jobe"

We say goodbye to Jobe and dad because we're going back to Spain

The time I spent here was nice I really enjoyed myself and I found y/n after I had no hope of finding her and I found out I had a son which is also amazing but I'm concerned for y/n I think she needs therapy after the things she went through she'll definitely need it

After we arrive in Madrid, we drop mom off at her house we go back to mine and the minute we walk in y/n scopes the house

"I haven't been here in a while"

"Everything is still where you left it"

"Thanks, we'll tale the guest room"

"Cool"

She walks away with her and Enzo's bags then comes back to get Enzo

"Goodnight Jude"

"Goodnight Y/n"

She walks away toward the guest room

"Oh hey I was thinking, what do you think of going to Therapy, you know maybe get someone to talk to about your trauma and stuff"

"I'll think about it"

"Ok"

"Thanks for the suggestion"

"No problem"

"And I promise I'll be out of your hair soon, I'll find a job and move out, but you'll still get to see Enzo, we'll have 50/50 % of custody over him"

"No don't be in a rush to move out, you can stay for as long as you need to"

"I don't think that's gonna work, well goodnight"

"Goodnight"

And she's gone, she's so close yet so far

[shallyne]

The Diary of Feyre Archeron Ch. 2

Chapter two of Feyre's diary! I hope you enjoy,! Things might pick up in the next chapter

Words: 1.4k

February 7th

Dear Diary,

I feel like death on two legs. These past fews were SO hectic.

I've got the job I applied for and they agreed fairly quick for me to work the night shifts, and now I know WHY! Who would have thought so many people went to a seedy diner at the outside of town in the middle of the night? It's weird and I also need to act like nothing is different because mom knows nothing! She doesn't suspect a single thing! I guess being ignored by her has its perks?

Anyway, I'm not going down that route. Point is, I'm trying to juggle work and school and somehow get sleep at some point of the day, which worked until today when I fell asleep in Mr. Suriel’s class. And guess who woke me up? Rhysand!! He was very sweet about it but I felt so embarrassed, I basically bolted away from him and almost walked into a door. Yeah, I can't look at him anytime soon.

Also, dad is acting very weird lately. He's always in his office and barely talks to any of us if he bothers to show up for dinner, even mom and Elain.

Okay, that's it I think.

Byee

February 15th

Dear Diary,

The moon is so pretty. It's like 11pm right now and I'm not at work, I got this Saturday off to work on Sunday which even gives me a little Sunday bonus! Amazing, isn't it?

Back to the moon, it's beautiful! I've never paid much attention to it but now that I did, I never want to look at anything else again. Sitting in the moonlight and writing in my diary? That's so aesthetically pleasing, Pinterest would eat this up!

I'm also not the only one still awake, I can hear dad’s TV, he's watching the news again, as every evening although he's working much later than usual, mom is super grumpy about this. I think they even argued yesterday, I heard weird noises coming from their room.

I also have good news! Rhysand and I have to make a project together for history!! ME and RHYSAND. It's going to be so fun, as long as I keep him far away from my house. He already asked if we wanted to start the project at his house or mine, of course I said his even though I'm super nervous! We're meeting tomorrow. Should I wear the blue sweater? Maybe I can steal some of Elain’s mascara. Or I could ask her. We'll see, I guess.

I also don't know if I should leave my notebook at home. It's full of scribbles of Rhys's eyes. That's very specific but I just can't get them right! How can a person have such unique eyes? If anyone comes close to having literal starry eyes, it's him. So, what would be more embarrassing, if mom found the notebook or Rhys??

I think I'll leave it here, hide it in my closet. If mom still finds it I can lie and say it's just practice! Hopefully she won't find the R+F scribbled in the back.

I'm getting sleepy now, big day tomorrow.

Bye!

March 9th

Dear Diary,

Rhys and I got an A on our project! It was so easy working with him, it didn't even feel like working. He's not just the most beautiful guy I have ever seen, he's also so nice and incredibly smart! I think he also plays sports, what can't he do? Like, leave some talent for us!

I also got into an argument with Nesta if it's acceptable to use sus as a word. It's way too hard and time consuming to always fully spell suspiceus ous, same with saying it. Shortening it saves lots of time! She says it's stupid and to not use it in front of her friends because it's humiliating. To quote her, verbatim, “Stop trying to make sus happen, Feyre! It's not going to happen!” Rude. It's totally going to happen someday and I'm going to tell her “I told you so.” (She hates that)

Also, after weeks of acting sus, dad finally joined us at dinner and actually talked. Mostly to mom and the topic was the airplane that had just disappeared but nonetheless, he talked and his mood seemed better! He also doesn't look like a caveman anymore for the first time since he locked himself in the office, so that's good.

Mom also almost caught me eating chocolate, which would have been a total disaster. She's always making sure that we, mostly Elain and Nesta, aren't overweight. She's weighing them weekly! It's so insane. Sometimes I bring back some leftovers after my shift and sneak them to Elain and Nesta's room. They accept them and mom hasn't kicked me out of the house yet, so I assume they haven't told her. They also don't ask question when I bring the snacks, they just accept it. Good, that means they don't have to lie for me. Or I don't have to lie to them.

Okay, I guess that's it for the day.

PS: is it normal to constantly have a feeling of impending doom? Is it just PMS?

April 29th

Dear Diary,

Since Rhys and I did our project we've spent much more time together! He's so funny, he always makes me laugh. I think we've even become friends. We shared our lunch today, he got a half of my sandwich and I got a half of his! He even gave me his coke zero because he was shocked when I told him I never had any. It was amazing. (the coke, the company and the lunch)

Rhys told me he's super into astronomy, he's a nerd about it and it's so cute. I never saw him so animated about a topic! I mean, when he talks about himself. For some reason he also looks super interested when I talk about painting, he must be a good actor because I can't imagine him really being interested in art but I appreciate it anyway! No one ever really tried to listen to me about my hobbies.

I think I'm talking nonsense again, I don't know why that always happens. Sometimes my thoughts feel like a big heap of muddled words and everything is going on at once.

Oh, right, I almost forgot the most important thing! Rhys and I planned a sleepover during the summer holidays! I told him that I'd like to have a WiiU someday and he suggested a game night, because he has a WiiU, I'm so excited! I hope the time goes by fast, I can't wait. I need a break, my schedule is so tight these days, it's almost suffocating but I can't tell anyone.

It's going to be worth it, though. I'm saving my money, for what, I don't know yet. Maybe my driver's license? I have time to figure it out.

Mom is out for tea with her friends right now, so I'm using the time to listen to Taylor Swift without headphones!

May 31st

Dear Diary,

I could cut the tension here with a knife but either no one tells me what's up or they don't know. I tried to get some infos from our cook, Alis. She's always nice and she gets wind of all the gossip but she couldn't tell me what's going on.

Something isn't right and I need to know what it is, although something tells me I shouldn't. But can I just leave this mystery unsolved? Of course I can't!

It might be quiet right now, mom amd dad are in dad’s office upstairs, Elain and Nesta are in the garden and all the house staff seem to be huddled somewhere around the kitchen, whispering among themselves. Maybe I could eavesdrop? But there isn't really a way to hide without them seeing me. We definitely need more secret nooks in this house, I can't get information like this.

Nesta always says I'm nosy but that's such a negative way to look at it, I'm just curious. How is she not? How is Elain not? Is it wrong to be curious?

Especially if your parents are super jumpy for, like, the whole last week! It's super sus. Last night I knocked over the salt shaker and they flinched! Mom didn't even shout or reprimand me, she just glowered and went back to her dinner, it was sca–

Oh, hold on, the doorbell just rang, be back in a sec.

Taglist:

@captain-of-the-gwynriel-ship @starfall-spirit @rhysiedarling @corcracrow @sydney-fae25 @tothestarsandwhateverend @aayo-whatt @dreamlandreader

[alhilton]

I loved Hunters Unlucky so much. I've yet to read anything past Distraction, but I am in LOVE with what Arcove and Keesha have going on, and seeing that BEAUTIFUL cover with Keesha on it made me hype. It's made me more confident I can write xenofiction and have people read it! I have a question though; how you do get into 'xenofiction/monster' circles? I'm firmly placed in the art community, and my attempts to join writing ones made me realise we just aren't on the same wavelength :(

Hey, thank you! I think you will enjoy Bright Side and Legacy when you get around to them. ;) There is a future story cooking that is more Keesha-centric, although I haven't written it yet. The ramifications of what he did to Arcove in Book 1 keep popping up in the background of other stories and will eventually hit the foreground again. Iben surprised me with the cover for Legacy. It is a specific scene from that book, and it would be a spoiler...except that you won't understand how until you are already past that point, haha. As far as xenofiction communities - gosh, tell me when you find one? I've been writing in Hunters Universe since I was 14. I am not 47. I have 2 other story universes that are thoroughly established with many novels - Panamindorah (humanoids, but no actual humans) and the Shattered Sea (humans, et al). I throw Easter Eggs into all 3 from time to time - like the crossover Keesha story "Awake." I've got a 4th story universe - Sleipner (humans et al) that I haven't actually published books in yet (except for one sneak peek in cross-over in Legacy). I have never been part of community for xenofiction. Fans told me it is called xenofiction. I didn't know that. I called it an "Animal Epic." My books about human beings have a larger readership. By far my most successful series is The Knight and the Necromancer. Hunters is a relative tiny audience, but it generates the most fan art :) I'm not very good at writing what I'm "supposed" to write. I love writing gay romance, but if I was forced to write nothing else, I would sort of shut down and die. Fortunately, I am also a medical professional, so I am not dependent on my books making a living wage. The author for whom I feel the most kinship is Ursula Vernon/ T. Kingfisher. I feel like her audience and mine must overlap, but I don't think I've ever spoken to her.

I have been a part of various creative communities over the years (notably the podcasting author community that flourished from about 2006 - 2014). They were wonderful while they lasted, but all of these things eventually run their course and you have to look for new groups. I got my start in podcasting, so I know a lot of voice actors, some of whom are also writers. They mostly don't write in my genre, though. I have some wonderful writer buddies from various conventions. I love visual art and purchasing illustrations, so I made some long-time artists friends that way. Some are also writers or comics artists, not necessarily in my genre. I am a member of various author FB groups, including MM romance groups. They are all business-focused, though. You get to a point where business is the help you need. You're doing the writing just fine and you have an audience, but you need community around business and marketing, because sometimes that's the hard part.

I guess my advice is: go to conventions and talk to people. Spread a wide net - don't limit yourself to your genre or even your art form. Nurture friendships with creative people of all types. Cross-pollination is rewarding. Write stories, finish them, and make them available. Wash, rinse, repeat. Interact with your readers, but don't make yourself so available that you get heartburn.

[nomoreusername]

What You Deserve (Part 2)

Pairing:Aris x female reader

Summary: Despite Aris wanting to fix everything, he doesn't think he can when he realizes how torn you still are.

I don't know what I can do to fix everything I've done. I'm in no way saying she didn't deserve the truth, but I am saying I didn't think she would tell me she didn't care if I died. I don't think I've ever known a type of pain like this, and it's not going away.

I just wanted her to know, but I didn't want this. I had just lost her all over again. Wasn't before the maze enough? Wasn't her telling me if she remembered me she'd kill me a sign that maybe what I said wouldn't actually convince her of anything? I had heard those type of words from her before. I had thought about them almost every night.

She had once said she hated me, and that I disgusted her before she got taken away. Those final words were 'I wouldn't care if' before she went unconscious. Now I know what they would have been.

The worst part is no matter what she says or does I will always love her. She could kill me, and my last thought would be at least I'm near her.

Because I watched her almost die so many times in that maze, and you can only get away with adjusting the Greiver's for so long until someone notices.

If only I knew how to say it. I don't know how to tell her she's still my everything. Even worse is she won't just say a single word to me, or even look in my direction. She hasn't even told another soul what I've done, and she won't just tell me I'm the most evil person she knows.

Her deciding I wasn't even worth insulting, thinking I was that disgusting, that's what kills me. So if she won't listen maybe she'll see it another way. I've never actually written a letter before, but I need to try

Dear Y/N,

I don't know how to start this, but I have to try. I know you hate me, and I don't blame you for that. In a way I expected this to be the result, but I wanted you to know. The first time you found out it wasn't from me, and every night I thought about the way you shouted that I was the worst person you ever came in contact with. You said I was worse than any other WICKED worker because I had manipulated and lied about loving you.

Y/N, I did lie to you but never about loving you. I always wanted nobody and nothing else but you. Every night I laid awake missing you. I took every shift I could just so I could be able to see you in some way. Even when you cried I couldn't bear the thought of just leaving you. In a way I had convinced myself that meant you were by me.

I would do anything if it meant changing this because of you. You made my rethink everything. That's why I went in the maze in the first place. I'd get to be near you, but I didn't think it would all turn out like this.

Tell me how to fix this, and I'll do it without a second thought. If it means begging, telling everyone, anything at all, I'll do it. You may not remember all the we've had, but I do. They're the only memories I want to keep.

You're my everything. Even if I'm your nothing you'll forever be my world.

So please. Please let me show you I've changed. I love you Y/N.

Love,

Aris

I took a deep breath as I stared at the letter one last time. I then looked at her sleeping figure. Before I could lose the courage I folded it and placed it beside her.

After a moment she stirred, and I saw how puffy her face was. I waited for another second. For what? I don't know.

She didn't wake up as she curled into a ball. Something about seeing her that way, so broken while asleep, was a haunting sight.

What good would a letter truly do? I don't think much. In fact, I think it may just send her spiraling.

Deciding it was pointless I crumpled it upon before kicking it as far as I could. Leaving her the way I always do, I went to pretend I would actually be able to sleep.

[eightsisterofmatariki]

Shazam!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

!! TW: child abuse !!

Billys P.O.V

I walked home and sighed in relief that the guy who owned the house was asleep, he was supposed to be my new dad and he was failing, hell even ignoring the abuse I didn't even know his name! I sat in my 'bedroom' and sighed. I wanted to run away, forget this place, welcome the streets.

And it's not like the guy upstairs would even notice until he missed a child support payment, but once CPS was alerted I was screwed. I doubt I could run form CPS for long as Billy and Captain Marvel would have no means of making money, at least as Billy I could beg which got me the food I needed. And here, when I was lucky, I could sneak a microwaveable meal, they weren't that bad raw, really.

Okay, that sounded pathetic even in my head. But another -more solid- reason was that the basement didn't freeze, even in winters, even if I was stuck awake I wasn't going to die from the cold, and most of the year it stayed warm enough that the abuse wounds healed by the time I went on patrol. Even ignoring what abuse wounds would do to my public image, I don't think I could deal with two sets of injuries. I was sure heartless muggers could and would replace a nameless drunk.

I sat down in my bed and my stomach rumbled, I ignored it, it was stupid that I was hungry. I could survive of meals from begging, the watchtower, and if desperate the cupboard. I snuggled into my jumper, pretending that there was someone in it, someone who cared enough to lie still of me; and if I cried myself to sleep that night, well that was none of your business.

I woke up with a sigh and as I sat up Phantom appeared "Why are you here?" I asked, Phantom held out a meal, a warm meal which varied from ration bars

"You can't check if it's poisoned." Phantom offered gentely, I took the food and ate it happily without checking. I was sure Phantom could've killed me by now, poison would be a waste. "I promise I'm here to help." Phantom said

"Why?" I asked suspiciously, something broke in Phantoms eyes

"Superheros- esspecially minors, often value their jobs above their own well being; and while I can't say that's bad even more hours for begging could change your life from what I've seen. I've never been in a situation like this but I know that presure and limited time can have effects, I just want to help." Phantom exlained, I hesiatated and Phantom opened up his... soul? Emotions? Mind? What ever it was it radiated safetruthcareprotect worriedconcernrelate helpnurtureteach protectsafe childghostlingbaby

"Okay," reliefhappydetermine "But nothing too big, I don't want to owe you or anything."

"Don't worry, I'm not a rope into deals kinda guy." Phantom said "I'll get you some food and heal what inguries I can." Phantom explained,

"If you're not lying... thanks." I said.

That afternoon I walked downstairs and found another meal, I ate it slowly and savoured the taste of actual warm food, I slept with a full stomach for the first time in a while that night. Next morning I woke up to the smell of another meal and relaxed when I realised it wasn't a dream!

-

A few weeks later when I walked downstairs Phantom was sitting there, "Uhh, hi." I said, he handed me a plate of food and I started eating,

"I looked you up, you have wisdom of soloumon-" I winced at how bad his pronunciation was "-or something. Does it apply to homework? For example can you know which one is the right answer on a multichoice math quiz?" Phantom asked while glaring at a book, I laughed

"I don't think so, I'm not going to be much help with math considering I dropped out before primary even ended." I mentioned, Phantom gave a long suffering sigh

"You know how to spell right? All my friends are busy and Clockwork's dealing with all the knots your speedsters keep making in time and Frighty and Pandora keep saying my grammars incorrect and suggesting words like 'twas' and 'shall' and stuff that belongs in a medieval movie!" Phantom complained, I made a mental note to look into Clockwork and tell Flash that he was pissing off someone powerful enough to have at least some control over time and know the ghost king.

"I can spell, just not really big words." I confirmed, Phantom gestured for me to sit next to him

"Great, you're helping me with my english homework." Phantom informed me

"You have to do english homework?" I asked in shock

"Yeah, I kind of want to strangle the guy who said that death is like sleep right now. Mr Lancer is relentless, oh and he doesn't know I'm dead yet." Phantom mentioned, I choked on the mouthful I was trying to swallow

"What?" I asked, Phantom gave me a small smirk

"What summoning book about me did you read? I'm a halfa, half human, half ghost," rings of light wrapped around him and showed me a very human looking teenager, almost 20, black hair that no longer defied gravity, teeth that have sharp canines but to a convincibly human level, freckles that were the same shapes as constellations but didn't glow, blue eyes that flashed green when the lights hit them just right, pink blush instead of green, a tan skin tone instead of a deathly pale, white and red socks, and a normal jumper and jeans with silver stars embroidered onto them. "I still live as Danny Fenton, not in this realm of course." Phantom said

"Wait, Danny Fenton, Danny Phantom... seriously?" I asked

"No ones put it together yet, I mean at the very start I looked pretty much like I do as a human only I glowed, and had green eyes, and white hair, and just happened to be wearing a hazmat suit. But I grew up within... two days I'd say, got a few more ghostly aspects, ghost instincts replacing or clashing with some human ones, and control over my powers. Then at two years of death I went through ghost puberty, Vlad is lucky, he just sped through it all in a hospital bed, I had to grow a mouth full of sharp teeth and deal with my nails turning into claws before I could control that stuff! Oh and get different forms and became way stronger but like, the teeth were really annoying and I accidentally sliced a door handle off when walking into class." Phantom ranted, I giggled

"That's gotta be hard to keep your secret identity." I said

"You'd be surprised what people are willing to overlook if you play it right." Phantom said, he waved his hand and a small portal appeared "Can you keep a secret?" Phantom asked

"Have you seen my secret identity?" I retorted, the portal cleared into an image of a guy with glasses opening a door and accidentally shattering the handle, another scene where the same guy pulled a different door off it's hinges, and accidentally lifted a weight which was definitely heavyer than most weightlifters could. "Is that... Superman?" I asked and I moved closer and sat down to watch

"Also known as Clark Kent, I'm the Ancient -which are... ghost gods? Kinda- of Space, Protection, and Heros. I have all of their moments." Phantom said happily, he pulled up a portal of some guy with spiderwebs in red and blue spandex swinging straight into a building, then a lamppost, then stopping while being chased by a giant man in a rhino suit to pet a cat. Then another portal of (IS THAT BATMAN!?) setting a pan on fire while trying to cook something, then deciding he could totally do that obstacle corse in high heels, then piercing his ear with a medical needle. I laughed as the scene changed and Flash ran into several walls, then managed to be late for work 3 times.

As I moved my hand up to cover my mouth it moved Phantoms bag and a few school books fell out, he sighed and closed the portal "Okay, okay, we're writing a novel on Frankenstein, how do we start this?" Phantom asked while clicking a pen

"Uhh, introduction, three paragraphs, conclusion. It should be TEXT, Topic sentence, Example, eXplanation, and then Tie back, you can swap the e's." I explained,

"Okay, uh, what about..."

-

The next morning I woke up leaning on Phantoms shoulder and curled into his hoodie, I sat up slightly and Phantom woke up

"Morning." Phantom said as he got up and stretched, turning back into the king he opened a portal "I'll get breakfast, take aways or cereal? The cereal might be slightly contaminated but it never really died so it won't come back to life."

"Your food comes back to life?" I asked

"That's not normal? I'll uh, get you a pastry and a smoothie." Phantom said, "I thought everyone's hotdogs unionised?" I heard him mutter as he stepped through the portal

[aladaylessecondblog]

2:12:08 (raphael x tav pt 7)

Tw: Panic attack, oral sex. Raphael is his own warning.

By the time Raphael let her return, Wyll was finally awake, and she brought him his soup with a smile. Cald stood on the other side of the room watching--not wanting to intrude too much but obviously burning with curiosity.

everything is FINE

"Finally awake," she said, "I'm sorry I put a sleeping spell on you, but it was the best way to ensure you recovered properly. Do you feel alright now?"

Cald went and got his own bowl, then quickly returned. Wyll took the soup and started eating, answering in between bites.

"Well enough...better than I have in quite some time, in fact. I knew I needed to tend that wound, but...I kept thinking I was fine."

"Until you weren't." Tav gave a slight smile. Wyll was, for certain, not the one that remembered, then. He'd been feverish before, she could excuse him not realizing then. But now he was awake and well...there was no reason he shouldn't be realizing--if he WAS the one.

Or...maybe Raphael was simply fucking with her. Maybe, she thought, Cazador didn't remember either...maybe no one but the two of them did, and she'd sold away her body and time for nothing--

Deep breath.

"Your wound is cleaned and healed now, and you should be well."

"I wish I could--"

"There's no need to worry about payment, all of what I treated you with can either be regrown or regained in time. The swamp is a bounty of herbs, and as for my magic...well...my god ensures I am capable enough to aid anyone."

"I was actually planning to ask if you had seen someone, but you've already done so much."

"Who are you looking for?"

"A tiefling named Karlach," Wyll replied, "I keep hearing that she's been seen around here...and, well...I ended up crossing paths with a Gur who'd had a few too many."

"I wonder if he was looking for anyone...I don't know why you'd be looking HERE, of course, there's nothing much here."

"Nothing?" Cald asked, "There's us."

"The boy's right," Wyll replied, "You're alone here and you're a follower of Ilmater. If anything you're the person the monster would probably go for. Those Paladins of Tyr--"

"They're not paladins," Tav said automatically, and when she saw Wyll cock an eyebrow she added a little white lie, "In my line of work you learn the fakes, and those men are no more paladins of Tyr than I am. They're...servants of Zariel."

Wyll couldn't seem to find words.

"They were here some time ago, asking about Karlach," Tav went on with the lie, raising a hand to silence Cald when he looked like he'd say something, "And they thought I might be hiding her...I wasn't, of course. They were...well, they won't be back, if they know what's good for them. So if you meet those two fools again, just remember what I've said."

There was a pause.

"And try to remember that someone who has gained freedom from a master may not be the same now as before."

"Would you hide her, should she come to you?"

"If she causes no trouble to me or mine, then yes," Tav replied. She gave a slight smile. "Ilmater instructs us to help all who ask it of us, not merely those most would find deserving. I've even healed a few wargs and goblins."

"But she's a servant of Zariel herself."

"And no less deserving of care than you," she replied, "I have heard whispers of her...she is hurting no one, from what's going around."

"Yet you've heard nothing of where she is?"

"No," Tav replied. "Now please do me a favor and finish your soup. I'd rather not have you fall ill from not eating."

She moved off and whispered to Cald to play along with the lie, but then said he was free to question the man once he'd finished eat, as he looked like he was feeling well.

And when the boy approached him, Wyll perked up.

From the other end of the room, Tav couldn't help but smile.

-------------------------------

Wyll stayed through lunch since Cald didn't seem to want to stop talking to him, and then dinner--and naturally, Tav jokingly thought to herself, the sky opened up and let loose a torrent of rain.

"It looks like you're staying the night," she said, giving a slight smile. "I'm sure the famous Blade of Frontiers would prefer a better bed, but..."

"I sleep in tents most of the time," Wyll replied. "It's been nice to be in a bed again."

"If you've gold to spare I could sell you a quilt to make the tents easier to bear," Tav replied. "But--"

A sudden touch on her shoulder, then a stroke over her abdomen.

"I--pardon me, I need to...check on my mushrooms down below. The--heavy rains tend to make the waterfall a bit...overenthusiastic..."

"If you need any help--"

"No. No, it's fine, you can..." Tav turned her back to him just in time to avoid him seeing the wince that came next. Haarlep was stroking lower, and all she could think was that she couldn't let Wyll see her face.

He might understand having a patron but she still didn't want him knowing.

She practically ran through the fireplace, and was incredibly glad the next touch waited until she was on the other side to happen. Then there was groping, and stroking further down--

It's never going to stop.

The thought struck her hard, when the feeling of fingers slipping into her cunt echoed through her body.

Even when you've paid him off, this will go on.

A stroke a bit higher, a thrust of fingers a bit deeper. She squirmed, her hips automatically moved, jerked, when the next touch was deeper.

It was too much and not enough at once.

Her heart was racing a moment later; panic and pleasure tied themselves into a knot. It was humiliating, it was--

It's never going to stop

It's never going to stop

It's never going to stop

Sitting down didn't help at all. Despite the pleasure rising in her gut, she couldn't relax. From nowhere it seemed her breathing was getting harder, her chest aching, lungs burning...

Raphael's face above her.

When had he shown up?

"Not now," she managed to grate out, hardly looking at him. "I can't--I can't breathe--"

A hand at her shoulder, a whisper in her ear, and suddenly the rushing river of utter panic was gone. The sting of humiliation from being so touched by Haarlep remained, but at least she didn't feel as though she were running away from something while being rooted to the spot.

She let herself be held against his shoulder. He'd ask for it anyway if she didn't, it was easier just to let him do it.

"Poor little mouse," Raphael's voice came in a purr, "Not doing as well as you thought you were, hmm?"

"I--can--" She wanted to say she could handle it on her own, but her voice choked itself rather than be party to the lie.

"Perhaps if you would stop being so stubborn, things wouldn't have gotten to this point. But you struggle and fight...for what, really?"

Tav couldn't find the words. Her mouth opened and closed uselessly, the words in her mind refusing to speak themselves.

Because you're an evil piece of shit and I don't want the world to suffer under you.

I can handle this. I can handle this. I just need to wait.

"Now, now, dry the tears. You can hardly be the hero of Baldur's Gate if you're a sobbing mess."

Where had the tears come from?

Tav didn't remember starting to cry, or...

Deep breath.

"Take a deep breath and remember that I am here. Shut off your mind, simply obey, and all will be well."

Raphael's words were a soothing balm to her still aching head. But there was one lingering concern--

"I have--someone in the house--"

"They're not going to be a problem."

This was not the submission she'd enjoyed with Gortash, eager and waiting for the pleasure that always followed. This was the submission of exhaustion, of being too tired to go on, and she couldn't make herself like it even if she wanted to.

"On your knees, my pet."

Tav's body automatically obeyed, and she reached up to unbutton Raphael's trousers without him saying another word. There was no need to ask what he wanted when she was in this position--it was always the same. It was predictable, something she could not fail at.

He was already half-hard, and it only took a few strokes of her hand to complete the process. She lowered her head to take him into her mouth and heard a slight hiss from overhead. One of his hands moved to the back of her head, and stayed there as she started to bob over him. Haarlep's work went on below, and her hips rolled against nothing. The pleasure rose...

"There we are...very good, my little mouse. You see, don't you?"

She could say nothing, and she knew he didn't really want an answer anyway. Raphael never did when she was on her knees...he simply wanted to talk at her. She moved back, caressing the head of his cock with her tongue and stroking the rest of him with her hand.

"All you need to do is take your place, and all those pesky little problems will go away. No more fear over petty vampire lords and what they might do to you or yours. The tadpole? A thing of the past. Anything that would attack you would find itself in a world of pain. Because you are mine...and anyone attempting to take what is mine will find themselves cursing the day they dared to do it."

Tav was about to move down, and groaned when he pulled her back and off of him.

"Give me the Crown of Karsus, my pet," his voice softened and soothed, "And you need never worry again."

Before Tav could respond he pushed her head back down, and began to thrust against her head. She let herself relax, let him do as he wished, riding against her face. She zoned out, until all that remained was Raphael. His voice filling her ears, his hand gripping her hair, his cock in her mouth.

"Give me the Crown of Karsus, and your master will see you kept safe and well-cared for until the end of time."

A groan. She sucked in a breath when given a chance, brought her tongue up--and suddenly his cock pulsed, and filled her mouth with his seed. She swallowed it all down and felt her throat and stomach warm from the heat of him. After a short pause she tucked him away and fixed his trousers without being told to. Her own pleasure came, forcing a moan from her lips, and soaking her thighs with release.

"Are you not thankful I've made it so easy for you?"

She gulped one final time.

"Wildshape," he commanded suddenly, "I know you're able to."

"I-into what, master?"

Why was it so easy to say the word now?

"The cat."

Tav obeyed, shifting into the form she rarely took. A calico cat with dark eyes, fluffier than might be expected to be seen around here.

Raphael picked her up and sat her in his lap.

Why? Why are you doing this? What is this accomplishing?

He did nothing, that was the confusing part. Nothing of note. Merely stroked her, scratched behind her ears, stroked beneath her chin until she purred for him. He kept this up until she was almost falling asleep, and then he set her on the seat beside him.

"Change back."

She obeyed, rubbing her eyes for a moment before she found herself pulled into a soft kiss.

What IS this? What is he trying to do?

"Why me?" she asked quietly, once they'd parted. She forced herself to meet his eyes. "I helped kill you. I--"

"Because you're smarter than you think you are, and I am not averse to taking you under my wing should I get what I want. All I ask is that you lay down your pride--and serve. As you always have."

A pause, and a whisper in her ear.

"One hour, fifty seven minutes, and twenty two seconds. Less than two hours to go, o apple of my eye. A pity. I know you'll miss me."

Raphael was gone before Tav could reply.

[insomniac-astronomer]

Strange Situation: Episode 2 - First Morning

Series Masterlist

WARNINGS: none!

Description: The young avengers are living in an apartment together. However, they have no idea that each other are superheroes. They begin making ridiculous excuses for their injuries and being out late.

America's POV

I wake up to the sun shining through the blinds on my new window. My heart feels very accomplished this morning. I got to wake up in my bed in my apartment. I finally have a home.

Running through the metaverse is great, but I'm tried of trying to find the ones with free hotels every night.

Suddenly, something in the sunlight catches my attention. It almost blends right into the brightness, but there is a different way it shimmers.

It is long and a silvery-white see-through wisp of . . . air?

For a moment, I can't look away. My eyes are glued to its strange shine. My whole body feels warm and relaxed.

It starts drifting toward me-

BANG!

"Ow, shit!" Kate yells from somewhere. My eyes dart to the door, then back to where the wisp was a second ago, but it is gone.

I take a breath and shake my head. I must be imagining things.

Kamala's POV

I am awoken by a loud bang from outside my room. I groan and roll over to my side, but a slit of sun smacks me right in the eyes.

"Ugghh," I turn to the other side, no longer feeling tired.

Cassie's POV

I was in the middle of stashing my Stature suit under a pile of clothes in the closet when I hear a loud bang, causing me to jump backward and slam my head against the closet door.

I blink away the couple of tears that came to my eyes and walk to the kitchen.

"You good?" I ask, seeing Kate with a scattering of trays around her feet.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." She angrily kicks a tray. "I was trying to make breakfast for everyone and instead I woke them all up."

"Nah, I was already awake." I give her a comforting smile. She shares one back.

"So . . ." Kate purses her lips and clicks her tongue. "How'd you sleep last night?"

Oh, you know, just vivid dreams of the Quantum Realm, nothing too spectacular. "Pretty alright, you?"

"Yeah, these mattresses are comfy, right?"

"For sure, comfier than the one I had at home actually." I brought my own mattress and traded out the one that came in with the apartment, but she is clearly struggling to find a topic.

"Yeah, it was crazy. Haven't been that comfy since the mattresses as my fifth grade getaway camp." She laughs and almost drops the pan she's trying to fit in a cabinet.

"Yep, great mattresses." Oooookay, this is going well. I don't think I've ever talked about mattresses more in my life. "Sooo, what do you do for a living?"

"What?" She turns around, very alarmed.

"Sorry, if that's . . . not okay to ask."

"Oh, no. No, sorry, just caught me off guard. I, um, just got expelled from college so . . . undecided." Kate awkwardly shuts the cabinet and turns to face me. "You?"

"I work at a little coffee shop a bus ride away." I give her a smile, trying to help her feel more comfortable.

I hear footsteps from behind me and turn to see . . . America, I think, entering the room. She looks lost in thought.

"Good morning!" Kate says brightly.

"Huh?" America snaps back. "Oh, morning."

Great first morning.

Kamala's POV

As I'm struggling to find a matching outfit within the what seems like hundreds of moving bags to go through, I realize I forgot to put my bangle on.

I hop back up on my bed and reach under my second pillow to grab—my bangle? Where is it?

Shit.

First day and I already lost the one most important thing I needed not to lose. I frantically look through bags until I find it hidden under a box of poptarts in one of my food bags, right where I put it. And then promptly forgot.

I step out of my room with my toothbrush, headed for the bathroom when I hear the front door unlocked. I'm nothing if not nosey so I have to go see who is leaving already.

To my surprise, a confused looking boy is standing in the doorway, holding a backpack.

"Um, maybe I got the wrong apartment?" He mumbles to the four pairs of women's eyes staring him down.

"Yeah, uh, our other roommate is supposed to be a . . . Petra I think." Kate looks around for confirmation.

"Oh, um, okay. Bye." He shuts the door.

We look at each other for a moment.

The door reopens.

"Okay the landlord gave me a key that works on this door. Maybe it was a typo? I'm Peter." He fiddles with the key.

"Oh, okay." Cassie says warmly. "You can come in."

"Well," he freezes, "if you're not comfortable living with a guy . . . I didn't know who I'd be living with . . . it was last minute and—"

"Hey," Cassie smiles. "It's all good. We don't bite."

"Yet." America says from a dark corner of the room.

We look at her.

"Sorry, bad joke." She smiles sheepishly.

". . . Okay then. Um, sorry." Peter walks in. "I'm Peter."

"Hi Peter, I'm Cassie." Cassie is already such the mom of the apartment.

"I'm Kamala." I smile.

"Kate." She awkwardly waves.

"I'm America." She emerges from the shadows and shakes his hand.

"Well." Cassie claps her hands together to get our attention. "Now that we're all here, I propose we go to dinner tonight to get to know each other."

There are a few vague head nods, so I say "yeah, that sounds okay."

"Great!" She smiles. "We'll go a five then."

This is going to be a long lease.

Buy me a coffee?

I need ideas lovely readers. I would love comments on some events you would like to see happen in future episodes!

[mypunkpansexualtwin]

This is a big one, going under a cut for several paragraphs of introspection and some brief mention of my last suicide attempt.

Hell of a thing, realizing this time last year was about the start of my Nuclear RSD Spiral that ultimately led to me trying to go play chicken with a freight train back in February with half a bottle of rum and a handful of sleep meds in my stomach to make sure I didn't flinch. Obviously I didn't, but I did get far enough that I had to drag my drunk ass off the train tracks and go stumbling back home to have the rest of my meltdown in peace and un-queue the suicide note I'd had prepped since last November. Fun stuff, crazy to think about.

Especially considering how I'm doing now that I've had the necessary wake up call from that whole situation and have finally started internalizing "hey, letting people see you hurting and hoping they'll decide you've suffered enough to deserve help is not the same as communicating your needs. Talk to people before it gets to your usual Talk About It After You Tried To Off Yourself About It. If it gets to this point again, next time won't be an attempt." (Fun stuff, lots to thank my grandparents for.)

And now I've got the right medication combo to help me keep an even keel. Wellbutrin/Vyvanse? Bad. Lamotrigine/Vyvanse? I might actually be a human being for the first time in my life. I've been getting a shower every night and brushing my teeth twice a day without fail since I started. And trust me when I say that's fuckin astronomical progress for me. Even when I found out it wasn't the case, part of me was still certain it was fake that people could just get up and do things without mentally screaming at themselves for anywhere between 2 hours to 4 months first. Shit, I can do it now and it still feels fake.

Anyways. The ability to Task was an expected improvement, as was the ability to regulate my momentum on said task better than without meds (ie, at fucking all). Although I figured it'd be a ways off to get this much improvement. I can put things down without freaking out (mostly) and I can pick them back up again after an interruption.

Another unexpected bonus too, I hadn't even thought to anticipate any change in another big factor at all. Like, not only did I not realize it was on the table, I hadn't realized that this particular table even existed. I figured this other issue couldn't improve with anything but another two years of therapy.

I've got a lot more control over regulating my emotions and the kind of obsessive, destructive thought spirals (usually RSD or my usual Leech And Burden thoughts or my brain cooking up scenarios to get upset about because they felt too real, or a fun combination of the three) that'd lead to me writing off entire days or weeks until I burnt myself out. Used to be these were so intense it'd just kind of gut me and I couldn't do anything but ride it out. Intense enough that I've had a couple mental health professionals tell me "yeah, no, it's not enough for formal diagnosis, but there's definitely strong evidence for OCD where the autism and ADHD overlap," one of whom went "right, that makes sense with what you've described about the last month, and speaking of the last month, i think we should consider going back to once a week since every three weeks hasn't been helping you." It used to be that the only way I could get these under control would be by heading them off before they got started or getting borderline blackout drunk in the middle of the spiral and distracting myself until I couldn't stay awake to think anymore. Both required sufficient distraction because every attempt at actually trying to take it apart and process just perpetuated it. Healthy, right?

But now, not only do the little things that used to sap my energy for the whole day now just breeze by like nothing (again, hygiene stuff), I can stop the spiral. They're not nearly as loud and sharp as they used to be and I can just... put them down. I've got the energy to do more and the control to just pick something else up until I'm ready. The bad ones still take a few tries, but that's huge after 25 years of "welp this is just the week we're having." And even bigger than that, it's already easier to pick it apart to find what needs fixing instead of just metaphorically cutting myself up while making a bigger mess.

It's also easier to not need my anger as a wall to keep between me and the people who have hurt me. For the first time since my granddad died, I can look at him and my grandmother as people through a sympathetic lense and still be able to say that the bridge there is burned and I won't be going back. I used to need to think of them as awful, irredeemable people just to keep from crawling back for their approval.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed about everything that's hurt me deeply enough for my therapist to go poking at in the wake of a PTSD screener saying "yeah we're not even close to done, try again next year." But it's not the only thing that's there, and maybe someday I might even be able to scrape out my own closure instead of starving myself waiting for apologies that'll never come. Cleaning out the bullshit associated with the hurt didn't kick off the meltdown it would have even a month ago. The little scar from an arm-clawing meltdown last November is just a bitter little emotional bruise that I can push right back to the back of my mind until the dirt-spot mark finally fades out completely.

It's easier to not hate over it now. I've got more energy now and can finally use it for better things. Why waste it turning people into demons when I know damn well even if I wasn't the only one who fucked up and hurt people, I still did exactly that. And yeah, there's stuff I'm gonna stay bitter over, on both sides of things, and probably still mildly bitch about when the irritation of it decides to pop back in for a visit. That feels like a fair tradeoff for something that did still very much almost kill me, but it's not gonna stop me anymore. And it's not even a matter of "the best revenge is letting go and living well" because in the half dozen cases that stick the hardest, that wouldn't even be revenge. Fucked up as things ended, it's not like I was hated. Hell, maybe I'm lying to myself when I go this far, but I'd like to think that most of those people would be happy to see me doing better, even if they'd promptly turn right the fuck around and pretend they didn't see me at all.

Or maybe things did fester to a point where there's just as much animosity as I had for them and they'd rather see me lose a game of chicken a few more times before they can let go. God knows I was bitter enough for a good while to think pretty goddamn frequently that I hoped they were in just as much pain as I was. So yeah, that's also fair. Maybe they don't care either way, and as much as that idea stings the most, it's still entirely fair.

Regardless, I've got better things to do. I've got some self love and self respect to cultivate after realizing I was never given any kind of foundation besides "If You're Not Giving Everything, You're Not Worth Anything." Joked about it for years, but only in the last month did it actually Click. Admittedly I'm still falling into some of the same thinking, although instead of "I don't deserve the love people give me unless I'm Being Useful, I'm a manipulative liar if I get it without earning it," it's more like "I can finally Do Things, so I can finally deserve my own love." It's a brittle crutch, but that just means I know not to give it too much weight while I get my feet under me and start building the foundation I actually deserve. Because people deserve love and I'm a people too, goddammit.

Anyways, this was a big long rant partly for myself and partly for the six of you who've paid attention and might wanna know how I've been doing. I'm still standing, let's see where it takes me. For now, I'm gonna go be gay with my girlfriend of 6 months as of last week.

[nathank77]

8/14/24

11:41 a.m

My tsh is low. And my t3 and t4 are normal. That means subclinical hyperthyroidism. I'm not noticing symptoms minus the slight increase in my heart rate and worsening insomnia.

I called my Dr and left a message. Idk If I should be increasing Methimazole or just leaving my dose as is and seeing what happens, although it would explain my slight increase in heart rate and difficulty falling asleep without weed added in to my normal dose of xanax.

It would also explain why sleep hasn't been easy for me. Insomnia is a symptom of hyperthyroidism.... I smoked last night before the Xanax. I passed out. I prob got 6 or 6 1/2 hours of sleep bc I woke up needing to pee twice. The first time at 4:30 am. I took Melatonin 3mg and took an additional 3 hits. I passed back out within a hour.... per my tv sleep timer. When I woke back up at 6:50 a.m I didn't feel comfortable taking more Melatonin bc it was so close to my waking hour of 8 a.m (I don't chose to wake up at 7 a.m anymore if I can get 9 hours I take it.)

I also didn't feel comfortable smoking pot bc it was so close my waking hour, that regardless of if I fell asleep or not, I didn't want to wake up and be high or be high and awake bc of the slight increase in hallucinations....

I didn't fall back to sleep. I laid there with my eyes closed until 7:50 and got up cause what the fuck ever. I'll never microsleep as long as I hit rem sleep every night. 6 to 6 1/2 hours is better than nothing.

I'm awaiting hearing back from my doctor. I won't celebrate any weight loss if I have any that is. And now i have an answer for why weed or a higher dose of xanax has been required to hit sleep stage 1. I haven't taken a higher dose of xanax the last two night. Taking 4 hits at 9 p.m and taking xanax around 9:30 has adequately knocked me out within 30-45 minutes. Sometimes I think 15 minutes but idk that's the issue with microsleep, you lay there for hours with your eyes closed and once you start sleeping again, closing your eyes for 5 minutes feels like a lifetime.....

So to not raise my tolerance I will continue to smoke weed before bedtime and risk my hallucination worsening. Although I don't think it will bc when I smoked daily during the worst of it, I did start to slowly recover.

I mean it is what it is but I wish my tsh would go to normal. Sleep comes easier and then I wouldn't need weed with xanax. I always have anxiety from the weed but I fall asleep fast.

I don't like weed like I used to it makes me anxious but I fall asleep quickly. So whatever. I hope I don't have to increase Methimazole bc I'll go Hypo no doubt with my t3 and t4 levels. I'll see what the Dr says. Unfortunately I'm a long way from remission.

Also I've been thinking about Kristen a lot. If you're here and sometimes I think you are, do you know what I want more than your license? I want a sincere apology. I want you to look me deep in the eyes and prove that the good person I saw behind those eyes actually exists. I want the most sincere genuine apology you're capable of more than I want to strip you of your license. I only want your license bc you didn't show an ounce of sympathy.

[sincelastsession]

Today I took video footage of children unaccompanied by adults at the pool because I heard screaming and it freaked me out and there was no parents sitting outside watching them and I know what apartment they came from so I went to the office with the evidence of all of this and shared the office and deleted everything off of my phone immediately because I don't like to take pictures or videos of children because it's fucking weird However the office had asked me to give them evidence of this.

And then on the way back to my apartment the mother of the children walked past me and called me a fat stupid bitch and threatened to kill me under her breath or something to that effect And I just kept walking without saying anything back to my apartment.

Then I got angry because I was like oh no nobody's gonna fucking threaten me when I've lived here for 5 years and they haven't even been here 6 months yet.

And I go back to the office and the woman is speaking with office people about me and doesn't even realize that I'm there.

And I didn't realize it was her until that moment because I've only seen her sitting down and with different hair.

And for her to call me a fat bitch and all of that she is twice my size quite literally And apparently pregnant.

So I'm not wanting to have any confrontation with this woman so I asked the office after she walks out if we can schedule like a sit down mediation to where we can have like a talk and I can explain that I saw 2 old men down at the pool bothering her kids when she wasn't down there the other day and actually called the courtesy officer because I was very concerned and I heard them screaming and I heard one of the old men try to talk to 1 of the young children.

And I was also gonna let her know the reason that I'm calling voice complaints is that I have PTSD and I have never had a complaint about sound in the 5 years I've lived here and that has literally nothing to do with my PTSD flare or the autism burnout. I thought about that for a long time but it's not that because I know distinctively what that feels like.

And then I got fussed at by the office staff and then I started crying and one of them told me she would walk me back to my apartment and 1 of the children in the pool started laughing and said oh she's so scared she has to have the office staff walk her back to her apartment and it was an 8-year-old child and in that moment I wanted to go unlock the pool gate And insert mean horrible intrusive thoughts here.

But I didn't say anything the office staff lady told me she heard it and I went back up to my apartment and I had a full-blown meltdown PTSD freak out almost lost such of reality my mom had to come over my sister who I haven't spoken to in 6 months and her 3 black guy friends decided that they were just going to come over and that really upset me because I was not ready to see my sister or speak to her however her guy friends looked at the situation and one of them is in the military and the other 2 are more into like punk rock and art But there are people of colors so they surveyed the situation and Quietly talked amongst themselves and then told me what was happening is these people are definitely antagonizing me and they are trashy and it is probably because they think I'm racist or something. They told me it was in my best interest to just not engage with them unless there's a mediator present.

I was gonna get a roommate and I had to tell her I'm sorry I can no longer do that my neighbor has basically threatened me and said some nasty things to me I don't think it's safe for you to move in with me.

I really really really need help finding a good camera and if I have to just have a vent session on Thursday and look at good cameras with you on my laptop and your laptop that would be great.

Because my mother is spending the night tonight sleeping in a chair because she won't sleep in a bed and I'm still wide awake and terrified that they're going to do something even with somebody staying here with me.

And I would say it's on APTSD paranoid level but not lost touch with reality level.

I have been looking at this from all therapeutic angles and I have tried all my coping skills possible and I just very much need to find a safe quiet place to move even if it's just temporary and I understand that my parents are having money issues and I would rather figure out how to financially do this even if I have to take alone because I am worried about my mental and physical health now that I have been threatened.

These are the same people that have vandalized my apartment twice.

My sister should or might be calling to schedule an appointment with me.

I tried to speak with her about what happened and her story is drastically different than mine even though I remember every single detail she was flashed out angry and she was also inebriated On something during that time.

She said she didn't put her hands-on me at all which is very hard for me to believe because I remember it.

Basically she is stoned constantly and I can't help her about that and I can't help her about her drinking or her anger issues it's just not within my circle of control.

And her recount of what happened is absolutely not what happened

And she tried to gas light me to my face that I did things that I did not do.

And I haven't forgotten it because it's a trauma in my brain that replays since it happened.

She's telling me that I put my hands-on her first but she's totally forgetting a chunk of time where she rushed me before I went to pick up the object I threw which was a goddamn candle and I tried to explain to her this evening that if it wasn't the candle it would have been something else the candle was just in my hand and I was fucking pissed off because her and my father were both screaming at me at the same time and I was completely overwhelmed And then they both attacked me after she rushed me and I tried to get the candle and everybody says I pushed her but she was the one hitting me and pushing me and I Way twice as much as her if not more than that and there is no way that I would have tried to hurt her I was trying to keep her from hurting me and move her out of the way and tell her to get off of me.

And her feelings were just so hurt because she had tried very hard to find a candle in a scent that I liked and has this weird complex that she thinks that I hate every present that she gives me and I told her before it's not her. I don't like surprises. I don't dislike anything she's giving me. I don't always have a happy excited reaction to anything people give me. My entire life people have gotten mad and confused with me because I don't get super thrilled excited when I get a gift all the time. I'm of course happy about it I just don't always show the emotions correctly that they're looking for.

But she didn't really want to talk about it anymore and I told her we could shelve it and discuss it with you if you fall it necessary

I did want to discuss with her that she doesn't realize that she couldn't really hurt me and dad hurt me and I could have had them arrested for assault but she doesn't remember assaulting me conveniently.

And honestly I would just like to figure out how to communicate with a 22-year-old sister and squash the beef and move forward because the way she works and the way she acts and hermanipulation tactics it's just not worth arguing with her because it becomes exhausting because that's what she does to get her way she just wears people out.

And I don't hate her I love her to pieces and I cried out of stress but also because I didn't think that she and her 3 friends would come over to hang out and check out the situation.

It's really hard to tell that she cares because she seems to have a lot of anger issues and I can't tell if she's telling the truth or lying because she has lying issues as well. And the thing is like she calls me a liar and yeah I do lie once in a while but it's not like constantly like she does. I mean we're both human but she has a real issue with it and she won't admit it and I can't make her so I just don't respond if I think it's bullshit. And it very much bothers her that I think that she's lying most of the time but I kind of think she did that to herself. Because she's been doing it since she was a little kid because she thought it was funny as a little candidate it's just become a habit.

She kind of just bosses around the guys she hangs out with I have 0 idea how she just has a gang of dudes and no female friends but then I thought about it and I'm like oh that's very similar to me oh my fucking God Jesus Christ freak out GIF.

Because it's like watching my myself The kind of dumber version.

Anyway I guess I can work on that and therapy at some point I don't know what you have planned for next session I am so fucking stressed out that I kind of just want a chill session honesthat maybe we can just work on something simple

I mean my mom is sound asleep and I am in my bed freaking out still because the neighbor's kids are sitting with a group of other boys playing loud ass music on their phones on the stairwell right next to my bedroom and I can't do anything about it.

I haven't told my partner every single detail of what's going on I've kind of kept it as short as possible for him because he gets overwhelmed with my stress and vice versa

I feel like I'm taking on a lot more than he is but my life has been a lot more different than his so I am not gonna really compare it 22 much

And I mean most dudes wouldn't stick around this long with me anyway at least that's how I feel and and he's been pretty supportive

I'm really hoping that maybe I can get this place on America street. It's actually kind of perfect I just don't know if the landlord is going to want to accept my ESA cats or ket me keep a foster dog for short periods because I am interested in doing that for my mental health and to make purpose in my life. I'm very very good at dog training despite liking cats and horses more.

I guess like the worst part of today like emotionally was being called a fat bitch and insulted by someone like twice my size who was pregnant who thought I was being a creep at her children but she was not outside watching her children her excuse was she was in the restroom but her chair was not outside and she was never at the fucking pool.

Also The other worst part of my day was sitting on my sofa and scream crying I want to go home while I was in my own residence.

And it was also pretty embarrassing because my apartment is executive dysfunction disaster and my sister and her friends came over and I looked like shit and I was embarrassed as fuck

And everybody seems to think that I'm being dramatic but I'm actually pretty fucking terrified right now and I'm scared to even have my mom sleeping here because what if something happens to my mother while she's here trying to be comforting to me but she's just dead ass asleep like nothing scares her but she's seen so much as an RN I guess nothing does.

And I don't know what to do when I feel like a big dumb idiot because I'm almost 38

I don't know how to handle these sorts of things.

I had to ask my sister's young friends where I should put up a camera and they were like it's just going to get knocked down by your neighbors and I'm like well at least if I get the right kind I'll see who did it on my phone.

But I don't even know what kind of git I've been looking at the ones that rotate and can go up and down that if I mount it in the right spot it will get sunlight and need less replacement of batteries and it has like a solar panel but there's like 60 different ones online and I don't know which one is the best 12 get that's not going to be horribly expensive.

And I shouldn't be getting a camera but I figure I can just bring it with me to wherever I move next but the camera is not going to make me feel any savor other than just knowing what's going on outside without having to look out the curtain.

Like we figured out where to put It where the safest spot would be if I got one but I just don't know which 1 to get and I really need help and nobody I know knows anything about cameras and I don't know who to ask and I don't want to go pay Twice as much Best Buy for something I can get on Amazon that will work the same that's cheaper and I'm so stressed out I don't even know if I can leave my house to go to Best Buy all I can prepare myself for right now is to Go to therapy on Thursday at 2 o'clock like my reminder has told me.

And get hamburger before therapy.

And right now that's pretty much my routine.

Otherwise it's bedrot and go to the Dollar General that I know the layout of and go to the Asian market does not stress me the fuck out like every other grocery store.

And I don't like this Joshua I don't like this at all.

I was not like this a year ago and I was not like I was then a year ago I am only getting worse even though people telling me I'm doing better and that doesn't make sense to me and I am confused.

I mean my mom is finally reading about autism and she gave my dad a print out about autism from the Mayo clinic and it's not exactly the most accurate thing because it's an older article but it's good enough and I'm happy that they're trying

And all I want to do right now is cry and wake up my mom and get a hug but she is going to yell at me if I do that

Like it wish I was a little kid and could just go climbing her lap because I'm just so scared dude

I'm terrified I don't want confrontation or violence or any more stress in my life because I don't know what will happen if I have a bad PTSD episode and lose touch with reality and that almost happened today because of this threatening ass crazy neighbor whose kids whose children under the age of 13 are harassing me now.

I mean literally in front of one of the office workers were like oh my God she had to have 1 of the office workers escort her back to her apartment because she's so scared

Yeah I am because I don't know what they're ratchet as rude mother is going to do to me and I didn't do anything to them

There were fucking creepy pedophile old men bothering her kids and she was nowhere around 1 day and She doesn't know that I saved her kids from to fucking creepy men.

And no they weren't 2 gay men just meeting up to hang out at the pool these where straight men they were older and they were very bizarre and acting very strange towards very young girls and I know that behavior because that shit has happened to me and I've seen it almost happen to my sister and many other young women and have had to get in between those men and other young women and I don't like it and I wish that mother would have understood and I wish I could have gotten a picture of the old man to bring to the office to tell everybody who they were so they wouldn't be around other people's kids.

And understand the other key people's kids are not my business and yes I should just let them swim in the pool and break the rules and drown but I'm not a monster and I have horrible trauma from Katrina.

I have seen children die. I have seen children bleeding injured screaming for people and I was in charge of reading them stories and giving them food and making sure they had water and I was also in charge of bringing things to other people who were being flown in from being in the flood waters for days and days. And it was horrible and I never ever wanted to deal with something like that again.

I'm so scared that I'm gonna have to go to a fucking hospital and I don't want to do that.

I'm so scared that I'm gonna have a heart attack because I've already having legitimate heart issues. And this dress is not helping a today I really thought that I was just gonna hit the floor and that was gonna be it.

And I'm tired of learning lessons and being around bad people and I just want to be in a safe spot away from all this crap.

And right now in my bank account I have enough money to hand to my parents and be like well this help me move any faster?

If I have to live on ramen noodles and ground meat and beans andspice and dollar store vegetables it was in order to move I will do that.

Also I did not eat 41 and a half days and then I ate the other night after I got stoned for my pain

And then today I didn't eat until like 10:30 PM

And it's not my eating disorder it's just pure anxiety

And I'm just scared I'm so fucking scared I do not want these people to bother me anymore.

And I don't have anybody to spend the night with me tomorrow night or the rest of the week

And I'm not gonna be able to have a roommate because it's just not safe.

And I am scared to go to bed and I know I need to.

I just feel like I'm running on nothing but a journal in an super hyper vigilant and my anxiety medicine is completely being overpowered by all of my stress and anxiety and all of that and I mean I haven't even smoked weed tonight I had planned too but I just didn't and I'm so sore and I hurt really bad in my hip and my back and it's probably because I've had all my muscles clinched up all day I'm day since I woke up

And I just don't know what the fuck to do.

I definitely want to do the testing stuff that we had planned or talked about doing like literally any of the testing stuff you want to do or you think might give you some insight on me or give me some sort of inside on my self

But honestly this Thursday all I plan to do is get my burger show app to therapy and I probably just need to cry and talk about things and just be heard that maybe get some help looking at cameras or figuring out what to do because this is bad for me and I'm so stressed out and I don't even know if you can help me with those things but I'm just asking that I don't think it hurts to ask

I just don't understand what people are so mean

I don't feel like a belonging in this world and I don't mean to suicidal away I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere

[alexyssc13]

May 23 - Free Day

Woke up pretty early today because it's Universal Studios day! After I got ready, I went to the train station, since I needed to take the train from Kyoto to Osaka. At one of the train stations, I bought a melon pan for breakfast, but I was sad it didn't actually taste like melon. Overall, my travel time was about an hour and a half to 2 hours long. I'm so happy that I know how to navigate the train system by now because if I didn't, then I probably would've gotten lost with all the transfers I had to do. But anyways, I got to Universal around 9:20am. There was a lot of people already. I took some pictures and then entered the park. This was around the time when I realized that I left my charger at home and used up about 40% of my battery on the train. So I started conserving energy and took most of my pictures on the digital camera instead.

To be honest, I didn't really have a game plan coming into Universal, so I just started walking around. The first thing I ended up going to was the Detective Conan 4-D Live Show: Jewel Under the Starry Sky. I've never watched the anime, but I've heard of it before. I was tired in the beginning, but when the 4-D effects started to kick in, it made me wide awake. The part when the chairs dropped especially woke me up, like it scared me a bit haha. This 4-D show was like nothing I've ever seen before because they included real life actors. It was actually pretty cool, since the jewel and the magician would change from animation to real life or vice versa.

Next, I stumbled upon a Kuromi and My Melody concert. I just saw the stage and the crowd and headed towards it. When I got there, Kuromi and her band were singing and dancing. Then, My Melody came out and joined them. Finally, this guy dressed in white popped out and seemed to be Kuromi's crush...? It was interesting to watch, but overall I thought it was cute. I really wanted to buy some merch, but my frugal self couldn't do it.😔

So I walked some more and saw a pizza place. I realized I didn't eat that much in the morning, and it was about lunchtime so I went in.  It also reminded me of how I was starting to miss American food. Anyways, I ordered a Margherita pizza set, which came with fries and a drink.

After a long lunch break, I continued my journey. I passed by the Despicable Me area and the Jurassic Park area. I was upset because all of the Jurassic Park rides were not available and they looked so cool to ride. But once I passed up that area, I came across the signs that said I could sign up to enter the Super Nintendo World, which was the main reason why I wanted to go to Universal Studios Japan. Luckily, it was free to sign up so I got a slot for 5:40-6:40pm. So until then, I roamed some more and found more rides to go on.

One of the rides that I went on was the Jaws ride. I got through the line really fast as a single rider. The ride itself was pretty good. I liked the water splashes and how the boat driver had to plan the shots from her shotgun. There was a part that involved a lot of fire, and it was really cool to see that incorporated.

After Jaws, I walked around the kids area, thinking I would get a Snoopy souvenir for my boyfriend, but Universal merch is so expensive.☹️

Next ride was probably my favorite for the day. I went on Hollywood Dream: The Ride as a single rider. This ride actually had a backwards track as well, but I got sent to fill in space for the forwards track. It's basically like Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit from Universal Studios Florida because you can pick a song to listen to as you go through the ride. I chose the song called Osaka Lover by DREAMS COME TRUE. I really enjoyed this roller coaster ride! I liked it so much that I wanted to do the backdrop version, but the wait was so long.😭

Another really good ride was Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba XR Ride - Mugen Train Dream Riders. I also haven't seen this anime, but it was a fun ride, nonetheless. It took a while to get through the single rider line, but it was worth the wait. When you're strapped in, you wear VR goggles as you ride a roller coaster. It was such a cool and different experience for a ride. Afterwards, I made a Demon Slayer medallion for myself.

Some of the last things I did before going into Super Nintendo World included the My Hero Academia: The Real 4-D and exploring The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I liked the 4-D show because I got to sit down again, but I thought the Detective Conan one was better and I've never seen My Hero Academia as well. The Harry Potter area was very similar to the one in Florida but smaller. I still liked roaming around though because it's been a while since I went to Florida's version of it. I wanted to ride the Flight of the Hippogriff ride, but I ran out of time. Instead, I drank some butter beer. I also got a Squirtle churro and did some shopping before getting to the Harry Potter area.

Finally, it was my time to enter Super Nintendo World. I was able to go on both the rides there before the park closed. The first was Yoshi's Adventure, which was a cute scenic ride. The second was Mario Kart: Koopa's Challenge. It was a driving ride where we wore glasses that allowed us to see graphics, such as enemies coming toward us, coins, power-ups, etc. At the end, I got 140 coins, which was the second highest in my group. Then, I left the park and went home.

[disaster-vampire]

sorry i know you're supposed to reply in the tags but i need to actually write this whole thing out properly. so my mom used to be friends with this rich couple who hosted a lot of dinner parties. i was 12 or 13, going through the absolute worst years of my life, we were renting a shithole of a house right above the funeral home, i was a wimp of a kid, quiet and extremely gullible, and i've always been obsessed with death and at that point also terrified of the dead and the dark (thankfully i got over those two. i actually find the dark comforting now which is very funny). i'd go down the stairs in the morning to walk to school and see the hearse right there and have half a heart attack as i started walking as fast as i could towards school. on top of all of that i've always struggled with insomnia and nightmares and i was going through stressful times (bullying, puberty as a trans person, we were living with my mom's abusive ex, untreated anaemia, anxiety, and depression, and so on and so forth). this is the set up to tell you what kind of state i was already in before seeing the damn movie.

so one night the aforementioned rich couple invites us to this dinner party. they'd usually keep the tv on as background noise. the grudge comes on. no one was paying any attention to the tv nor to me, i didn't talk much so no one engaged in conversation with me, and i was right by it, and i couldn't look away. i watched the whole thing. no one noticed i was shitting my fucking pants and changed the channel. boy oh BOY. the consequences. when we were leaving to go back to our house i started freaking the fuck out. i was already scared at the rich folks' home because we were having dinner in their basement (they had a bigger table there that fit more people and also two couches and a fireplace where they could roast meat) and it was very big and empty and i expected a monster to pop out of idk the damn walls and i'd have nowhere to hide. when we were in the car i started just. panicking big time. i didn't wanna go back. i was crying hysterically and trying to get my mom to let me sleep at my grandma's but i'd never had a full blown panic attack before that so my mom didn't understand what was going on and brought me to the local ER because she didn't know what to do. they fucking SEDATED ME.

so okay that night i slept no problem because i was literally drugged. but after that? bye bye sleep. i could only fall asleep when the sun came up which meant i got maybe 1 to 3 hours of sleep before i had to get up for school. sometimes i'd sleep a bit more just out of sheer exhaustion. and if you don't know, if you keep this up for long enough eventually your brain starts going balls to the wall. i started hallucinating shadow people walking by my bedroom door. closing it was worse because i needed to see just in case something happened. the door of the top cabinet of my wardrobe never closed properly, so i'd see pale arms reach out from it. one night i literally saw a lady sitting on the chair by my bed. she had no eyes but i was convinced she was my mother and i tried shaking her awake. when she wouldn’t wake up i just took her hand. i blinked and she was gone and i was holding the sleeve of a shirt.

this went on for maybe 1 or 2 years. not sure because as i said, insomnia. if you don't sleep and you're very stressed the brain stops processing memories properly, i have complete chunks of these years missing. the hallucinations didn't stop completely until i think around age 16. maybe even 17. not sure but while i still suffer from insomnia it hasn't been that bad since. i'd still see movement in my periphery or sometimes hear people talking but nothing major anymore.

i tried watching the movie again a few years and other horror movies later and i couldn’t. i literally run a horror blog now because i've become a huge fan of horror movies and i still haven't tried watching it again. maybe i will just so i can finally finally exorcise this whole thing from my mind. anyway. yeah. the grudge.

Reblog and put in the tags a horror movie that genuinely messed you up