#I've done this before and my sleep schedule like doesn't really exist at all so I'm fine

[isayahacts]

hi um

[dawnwriterimagines]

The Guilty Plea

SIMON 'GHOST' RILEY x FEM!READER TASK FORCE 141 x FEM!READER

Traitors Among Us (Part 1) and Innocents Among You (Part 2)

Verdict Due (Part 4) Clear Skies (Part 5)

Summary: As you're discharged from the infirmary, under watchful eye, you head to Laswell to talk on the rest of your now ruined military career. Of course, you're forced to confront your team as it happens, the last people on earth you'd like to see.

If you liked this would you Buy me a Coffee?

---

Running your fingers along the raised, pink scar across you cheek, the feeling of it...it really looked terrible. A part of you thought it would disappear, hoped it would, but it didn't. It just became severely more noticeable. Looking at this, you knew you'd always have to think of it. You'd sport this reminder for the rest of your life.

Looking away from it, you find your own tired eyes in the mirror, you haven't been sleeping well. Or at all. You can't remember the last time you got 4 hours, let alone 8. Dark circles still surrounded them but at least the bruising and the swelling had gone down.

You couldn't recognize yourself. Not really.

This woman looked so exhausted, so frail and so goddamn angry. It was accurate, it was how you felt. All of it. So, you supposed that the mirror's reflection was the truth, this was you indeed.

"If you need another day or two, no one will ask questions."

You glance over towards your psychologist, your fucking therapist, a nice little 'gift' sent over by the bureau to check in on your mental state after your ordeal. Glaring at him through the reflection of your mirror, he sighs, putting down his pen that slaps against his notepad, "I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"I'm going to Laswell." Ignoring his statement, you speak. "I'm ready. I'll pack up. Get back to base. Vera had me discharged from the infirmary. I can start ov--"

"Vera?"

"My nurse. You met her," you continued, annoyance spiking at the interruption. Your wrist brace squeaking quietly under the pressure of your fist tightening beneath the table.

"Right..."

"Do you listen to a word I say outside of...my 'trauma'?" You wonder, bluntly.

Your psychologist blinks, surprised, before clearing his throat, appalled. "If you feel I can be more attentive to your state of well-being throughout our process, than by all means--"

"Oh, so 'no'?" you lean back into your seat, a strained laugh leaving you. His lips press together and you continue before he can find the words. "Because whenever I mention leaving this fucking team, you either adjust our schedule for another two weeks or suggest hypnotic therapy, as if I need anyone else digging around to fuck up my mental state."

"I never meant to imply--"

"Oh, you implied it," you interrupted, gritting your teeth. "I know what I want. And I want off Task Force 141."

He taps at the leather of his notebook. "Scars heal, just remember that, Ms. (L/n). The reminders of your experience shouldn't have to haunt you."

"It's not the scars, I've had my share way before this," you admitted, rising to your feet. You exhale deeply that tells to the effort of it, the steel gear hinges along your leg braces shift with your change of position. Still getting use to them. "It's the person."

"Has she changed, you think?" the psychologist begins to write, getting somewhere.

"She doesn't exist anymore."

Finally, placing the mirror down and onto the side table, you pushed off of the table, rolling your IV pole along with you. Passing the chair your psychologist sits on, he closes his notebook with a frustrated huff, looking over his shoulder. "Session over for you already, Ms. (L/n)?" he sighs. "We've still got the hour."

"I'm done," you take the knob in your hand. Turning.

In more ways than one.

"You understand that, informing your captain on your leave is required of you. Have you spoken to any of them, in the last few weeks?" he spoke up, quickly. "I'm sure giving them a space to open up, share from their view--"

"Why should I care--"

"--will give you better understanding, better clarity of the situation they were in--

Appalled. "What the fuck?" Jamming the door closed with a loud, shuttering thud, you whip around. "IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM!" you could just rip your hair out. "Who--who says that to someone?!"

Your psychologist sits there, eyes wide in confusion. "What--"

"Christ, can you hear me? Can you--can you see me? I've got metal plates in my spine, braces holding my knees in place and nerve damage that'll never heal! Who gives a fuck about them!" your skin feels red hot, your face twisted in rage. "I gave my life! My life to this! And then I'm tortured, I'm threatened, drugged and beaten by my own team, my f--my family for eight fucking years..."

You continue with a heavy chest. "And I'm supposed to invite them for dinner to talk and listen them bitch and moan about why they thought it was necessary to beat me to death for two weeks?! Fuck you!" you spat. "I don't owe them anything!"

"That's not what I was trying to say, Ms. (L/N). I apologize, I overstepped. Come sit down--"

"Of course you meant it," you interrupted, mock humor. "Don't be a pussy, own up to it. Revel in your truth. Be tter yet--" you snatch a journal from the cabinet. Tossing it his way. "Make a note of it."

Turning the knob, you leave the room with a slam of the metal door.

---

You were officially famous. On the base, you were now a legend.

A story that would be mentioned and told at lunch for months. Probably years.

First, you were a rat. Next, you were innocent. This was the most gossip any of those in service had ever seen in their years of service.

An interesting reminder to those in service that you weren't safe off duty either.

You learned a few days ago that there was an update put into the interrogational unit, something about how to properly go about dissecting evidence and being on the lookout for enemy spies in the militia.

You guessed you had been told about it in an effort to be appeased by the thought that the head of control paid attention to anything beyond their own noses for once. But, you had little to no faith in a system that's nearly killed you on and off the field by now, so it didn't matter.

You doubted the new rules would be followed though, there was a plethora of things they'd done to you in that cell that were both illegal and unsanctioned. Most of all, that were expected towards an enemy, a prisoner of war at best, and not a fellow marine.

You arrive at the housing quarters, swiping your key card, pulling the handle and entering the wing. Immediately, you're greeted by a dozen eyes, conversations stopping short and clothes ruffling to silence, suddenly whispers fill the space and eyes turn away.

"Oh, god, it's her..." says one man in the far corner.

"Shut the fuck up, man!" came a harsh whisper back.

"I didn't know it was that bad..."

All those eyes on you, makes you pause in your step, looking around at all of your fellow soldiers, the men and women you've served with for years. Many you recognized, ate with, fought beside that turned their backs to you now. Out of respect? Out of distaste, morale, nerves, pity, it all didn't matter. It all felt the same.

The wheels attached to your IV pole suddenly sounded much too loud on the polished flooring, as you walked down the hall as fast as you were able to.

Breathing out deeply, you get to an elevator, pushing on the button, once, twice, three times, just open goddamn it.

With a ding, the metal doors open, and suddenly you're aware that people could be in the elevator, they could be in this elevator, he could be in this elevator. Your eyes flicker down to the floor, your grip on the pole of your iv tightens, your shoulders stiffen, waiting for a blow that will never come.

You stand there as the doors open up, the small space empty, the metal walls reflect only her and a streak of lighting from the ceiling.

Looking up slowly, finally taking a breath, before sliding the iv up and onto the elevator, following it as you press your floor number along the way.

The ride up is fast, a little rumble as it stops, and then the doors open. Faster than you were prepared for.

Peeking out down the hallway, luckily no one to bump into, which you were thankful for. But, it didn't make this hall any less haunting. You'd been cornered in this same hall, you could recall being hauled out of the room after the solid handle of a knife hits your temple.

You don't go down fast enough, whipping around as you stumble to take the wrist of your attacker, mostly for balance, it's Price. In shock, you're unprepared as Johnny's arm encircle your neck, locking you into position as you both stumble backwards onto the floor. He blocks your airways, hushing you harshly as you struggle, feet kicking out and your vision blurring as your team surrounds you. Your family.

That was quite the headache to wakeup with afterwards.

You hadn't quite remembered until now. Being back served as a hell of a kickstart to your memory.

Just a few more reasons to get the fuck off of 141.

Getting off the elevators, the metal doors sliding closed behind you, you make your way down the hall. The polished flooring creates a subtle squeak through the wheels of your iv pole, your hand absently running over the fading stitches along your side.

Passing the shadows of your tortured memory, the doorway of the office was closed, locked.

You pass Kyle's room.

Johnny's.

Finally, you rush up to the next room on the left, grabbing the handle, before beginning to twist, but then you're yanking your hand back as if the metal had burned you. Your back ramming into the back wall, catching yourself, this wasn't your room.

It was Simon's.

You'd spent hours, days, in that room. More than your own.

Why wouldn't you? You were about to get married to the man. You had more in this room than you had in yours.

Sharp breaths leave you, shivering in your effort to keep yourself together, your head goes back into the wall, swallowing down the ache in your chest.

You wait, muscles tensed and your body pressing back into the wall, hoping it'd absorb you if that door opens. Listening for every sound, any pin drop, even an exhale from beyond that doorway. Luckily, Simon seemed to be out for the day.

Hurriedly, nearly running, you steady yourself against the wall as you rush down to the corner of the hallway, finally finding your room.

Turning the handle, it's not locked, it's broken. It opens with ease.

Entering the room slowly, pushing the doorway aside, the crackle of glass beneath your boots as you step forwards, clothes and picture frames laying scattered.

The mattress flipped and ripped open, springs and cotton cut from it. Your wall of metals and certificates, from acts of bravery and mementos of valor, discarded, later you'd find them in the trash, one with a bullet lodged into the gold.

Sniffling as you leaned down, picking a specific frame off the ground, the only one that hadn't been broken. Laying along the ruined rug, with no care for the glass digging through your jeans, you stare at the still shot of your family.

The only family you had outside of Task Force 141, your father and his sister, military brats themselves, until their retirement. Your mother had passed, or just up and left, days after your 5th birthday, you weren't completely sure, the story kept changing every year. But, these two were the only family you've ever known, ever had, until you joined the military, following in their footsteps.

They'd been so proud when you arrived back after your first assignment, in truth you were heavily traumatized, but seeing them, you just had to smile. Having a family that understood the harsh toll on the line of a trooper, now a lieutenant, it was always easier to bring your troubles to them. But, they were also military nuts so "suck it up" was also a quick go to answer from your aunt, while your father was the smoother talker.

They had met Simon, loved him, his rank, his love for you, his seriousness. They trusted him completely with your heart.

So, when he called them, after the evidence leaked...

They believed him.

"What're you talking about?" You took the handle of the chair in your grip, easing you down into it as your legs do weak at what you were hearing. "I didn't...I didn't do it, Dad."

"Do you know how humiliating and disappointing--how it felt to hear him say that to me, hm?" he says, static crackles on the reciever. "My daughter...my own flesh and blood...working with terrorists--"

"I'm not working with anyone! Are you-" you huff out a breath of disbelief. "Are you even listening to me? I've never betrayed the code. How can you think that way of me?"

For a moment, he's silent. "Alright, then," he began. "Than, what'd you do? huh?"

"What--what..."

"Oh, come on, (Y/n)!" your father yells. "What did you do?! What could they possibly have had on you that made you the most likely target? You had to have had done something, been somewhere, were with somebody you weren't supposed to be with! They didn't just get that information from anywhere."

"What the fuck--" Your expression twists with frustration and misery, running your hand through your hair, pulling at it. "I've sacrificed every part of myself for this job, for this team, what do I have to gain from throwing that all away? They send me everywhere, places you've never heard of, places you'll never hear about and people you'll never have to meet, because of me! Why would you just believe Simon? Why couldn't you just wait to talk to me?!"

Hearing your father scoff at your words was painful. "What reason do I have not to believe him? He knows you, maybe even better than any of us. Besides, he was going to be my son in law--"

"I'm your daughter! Fuck Simon, what about me? You'd believe him instead?"

He sighs. "Listen, you're upsetting Cass. We didn't expect your call. I gotta make this brief..."

"You're upset?" pulling at your hair, sucking in sharply. "I'm the one who's permanently fucking altered here. What do either of you have to be upset about?!"

"Watch your fucking mouth!" he seethes. The anger in his voice isn't new, but the way he spits it at you is. "You did this to yourself, I didn't. Maybe that's what your nightmares were about, am I right? Your guilt?"

Wiping the streaks of tears that had fallen down your face, lips quivering and chest aching with sobs you frustratedly shoved down. "Why don't you believe me?"

"I don't deserve the disgrace that will come with you as my kin, I've lived my part of this war. No daughter of mine should even be in this fucking position," your father spat, disgusted into the receiver. Suddenly, he was the cruel, bitter old man your mother had always known him to be, you wished she had stayed to at least remind you of that. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt as much. "You should be ashamed of yourself, but at least you got yourself out it. The least you could do for us."

"Well--what does that mean?" you spoke, quietly.

"Don't call again..."

"Dad, no--" you break this time, a sob escaping you.

"Me and your Aunt Cass..."

"Daddy please, don't do this--"

"..We've decided to cut ties. We're not taking any heat from this, you're on your own," he finishes, clearing his throat, waiting a moment, listening to the pleads and cries of his only daughter, his once pride. "You take care of yourself. Goodbye, kid."

"Why can't you just believe me? Why?!" you cried.

"Don't come to the house."

"No, no,--" the line goes dead. And staring down at your phone, his caller id going blank and the call disconnecting.

Your phone all of a sudden feels heavy, the device and your hand falling down to your thigh, before the phone slips out of your grip and onto the floor. You sit there silently, until your tears drop up and even after.

Staring at the photo now was haunting in its own way, it was just another painful reminder.

Using the bed frame to stand to your feet, your grip on the frame is painful as you squeeze it, the glass cracks audibly.

"Bonnie..."

Whipping around at the sound of John MacTavish's voice, you back up a few steps at the sight of him, your back hitting the edge of your desk.

He reaches out as you stumble, before his fingers curl back into his palm as you find your balance, his hands receding back to his sides. He doesn't enter the room, just lingering just beyond the doorway, his eyes flickering around the room, guiltily.

"I didn't know--we didn't know you were out," he speaks quietly, as opposed prideful personality that translated into his voice usually.

You say nothing.

In the dark, your eyes are wide and your shoulders are tensed up, he can see the glint of your leg braces, the iv pole at the side, the scar beneath your eye. You looked terrified to see him.

"We were coming back to clean up today, just got back from...from a mission..." he stutters on his words, shifting his feet.

"It's been a week."

His lips press together hearing your voice. "I know..." Johnny glances around at the room he'd let those officers destroy, it hadn't been them, but they might as well had done it. "I know...we just...didn't know it was so bad."

"Really?" your voice is mockingly sweet, drawing out the word. "You didn't know? Well look..." you hold up your family photo, the light in the hallway catching on the glass. "You missed one."

Your hand dropping, the heavy frame comes down just as fast, ramming into the ground, the glass practically exploding on impact.

Johnny flinches, the photo of your family...He looks back to you, surprised. "Bonnie..."

Snatching the next closest thing from your desk, a ceramic cup. "Oh, wow, can't believe you guys missed this one," you chuck it into the wall. It breaks on impact, the remains scatter along the flipped mattress and onto the floor. "That used to be my favorite mug by the way."

The Scotsman worriedly steps forwards, 'Lass, I'm sorry--"

"FUCK YOU!" you spat, coming into the light. You're sure you look deranged, and you didn't care. You could've wrapped your hands around his throat, killed him right on the floor and you wouldn't have blinked. "It doesn't mean anything! 'I'm sorry', 'I'm sorry', 'I'm sorry', over and over and over again! As if you shouldn't be! Your apologies mean fuck all."

"I know...I know," he breathes. "But, I've gotta say it anyway, bonnie. I should've believed you, there was no reason not to. I know that now. I just--"

"Believe me!" you cut him off with a yell. "Trust me! Fucking 'HELP ME'!" you screamed with the same fever as your days in the interrogation room, that terrible cell, the cold, the burn and pain. "I cried it all to you, to all of you, and nobody came. Nobody came for me," you breathe in sharply. "It doesn't matter what you should've done. You didn't do it!"

Johnny's eyes are red, he opens his mouth, closes it and then swallows down whatever chokes him up as he looks at you. "I should've came for you. I wish I did. I wanted to, Bonnie..." he steps forwards, and you recede back away from him, your eyes narrowed with violence. "I'll never forgive myself for not listening to you. For not coming to help you. For laying a hand on you. I'm so sorry, (Y/n). I'm sorry..."

I'll never forgive myself... "That makes two of us," you assured.

Johnny's eyes widen, before they close, his guilt ever consuming. He can't help but understand, to respect your decision, to know things can never be ok again. "(Y/n)...."

Grabbing hold of the nearest thing, a pencil cup, you hurl it at Johnny. He doesn't put his hands up, flinching as it hits him, the metal clinking against his kevlar, eyes closing then opening, he stands still. "I don't forgive. I don't accept your apology. I don't fucking care about it!" with each sentence you throw something else his way, a broken frame, the trash bin, a pillow, the CD player.

His hand has to come up for the knife you unsheathe, a memento from one of your missions, it's rusted, ancient probably. But, you hadn't given it up to a museum or to pawn, you had nearly died on this mission, saving Johnny ironically. You had to keep it.

Seeing the weapon, his defensive position is instinctive but his hands drop just as fast, he understands, you need this. You deserve this. "If you need to..." he speaks. Your eyes flicker up to him, away from the knife. "If you need to, I get it..."

And you need to. You really fucking do.

Your grip on the knife is dangerously hard, it hurts.

Looking at Johnny, he'd been your brother in more than a few ways on and off the field, he had been your comfort, your friend, your family. You had bled with him, held onto him as he carried you from the battlefield, joked, laughed, screamed and cried. You've loved him for years.

He'd had a rough few nights you could see that. He was quieter, reserved. Almost as terrified to see you, as you had been of him.

And you could kill him right now and never bat an eye.

And so, throwing that knife was so fucking easy.

Johnny's eyes close as you do just that, fists clenching and teeth biting down on his tongue to prepare for the pain.

The ancient weapon whiz's through the air, the sound is sharp and he knows it will cut through him like butter.

The thud rings in the room, and Johnny's eyes blow open wide, holding his breath as he collapses to his knees, before turning to you.

You dig into the pile of clothes that had been cast aside, a pair of sneakers and a new shirt. You don't look at him a single time as you take it all, stuffing them in a bag, and leaving the room, passing him completely, a limp in your step.

Johnny releases a pained breath, tears finally leaving him as he looks up, the knife lodged into the frame of the doorway, just barely missing him. The sleeve of his uniform ripped open.

He sits there in the quiet, destroyed room. A testimony to the relationship he's destroyed between you.

Part 4!! OUT NOW

[ilovetheriddler]

egon spengler fluff alphabet please?

I've never done one of these alphabet ones before, but I'll give it my best go, I hope that you enjoy it!

Egon Spengler Fluff Alphabet.

A: Attention (How much attention do they regularly give you?)

He gives you a fair amount of attention, as much as he reasonable can in between his research and his work as a Ghostbuster.

B: Bedtime (How do they prepare for bed with you each night?)

Egon is a very straightforward man. He showers, brushes his teeth, makes sure his alarm is properly set, and then lays down. However, you do have to remind him to take off his glasses every time, a small oversight on his part.

C: Cuddles (How much do they enjoy Cuddles/How good are they at giving them?)

He doesn't necessarily require them, but he understands that they make you happy, so he allows you to cuddle with him whenever you ask to. Despite not needing them himself, he's very good at giving them.

D: Date Night (Where would they take you on a date?)

He's done a fair amount of research into what would commonly be viewed as the best place to take someone on a date, so he gets a reservation at a nice restaurant for the two of you.

E: Effort (How much effort do they put into what they do for you?)

A lot more than you'd think, in fact, he has an entire list of things about you that he's noticed and how you overall like things. If he's asked about the list, he will deny its existence.

F: Fun (What fun activities do they like to do with you?)

He lets you help him organize all of his charts and research notes. And after that he enjoys reading to you.

G: Gestures (What sweet gestures do they like to do for you?)

He's compiled a list of everything that you like and will regularly do research into it so that He's always able to share in your interests.

H: Hugs (How good are their hugs?)

It's a bit stiff and sometimes awkward if you hug him first, but if he's the one hugging you, then he's a bit more relaxed about the whole thing.

I: Infatuation (When did they first realize that they loved you?)

He definitely knew that he found your presence enjoyable, but he didn't realize that it was love he felt until quite a few months into knowing you.

J: Jokes (How funny are their jokes?)

He believes his jokes are extremely well thought out and educated. You sometimes find them funny, but most times, you don't even realize that what he said was meant as a joke.

K: Kisses (How often do they kiss you?)

He gives you kisses on the cheek quite often, but he's not a big fan of PDA necessarily, so he prefers to save anything more than that until you're both alone.

L: Love Letters (How would they write you a love letter?)

It's extremely well thought out and well written, however, decoration wise.... let's just say that for a moment, you thought he was handing you a document.

M: Movies (Their favorite type of movies to watch with you)

Other than documentaries, he doesn't really have a preferred genre. He'll enjoy whatever you want to watch, most likely.

N: Naps (Do they ever really take naps?)

He's not too fond of napping. He has a planned out schedule, and he intends to stick to it, and resting outside of his scheduled seven hours of sleep each night would throw everything off.

O: Observations (How perceptive are they when it comes to you?)

He's extremely perceptive most of the time. However, sometimes he's a bit blunt when asking how you're feeling.

P: Presents (What type of gift would they give you?)

He regularly gifts you interesting mugs that he finds. It was really sweet at first, but now you have 30 mugs and are running out of room!

Q: Quirks (Something specific that they do)

Instead of stopping giving you mugs, he gets you another cabinet. It would be easier if he'd just stop, but he won't.

R: Resentfulness (How likely are they to hold a grudge against someone?)

He doesn't really hold any bitter feelings for anyone for that long. He doesn't see a beneficial reason to do so.

S: Stress (How do they handle stress?)

Egon has gotten fairly decent at working under a lot of stress. He can handle that just fine, but stress related to his personal life? That's more draining for him.

T: Trust (How much do they trust people?)

Most people? He averagely trusts them. You? He's given you his spare key, a list of his medical history. If you told him something, he would trust you without much question.

U: Unexpected Kisses (How do they react to sudden kisses?)

Once again, he's not a big fan of PDA, so if someone else was around, he'd be a bit embarrassed. However, if no one was around, then he'd expect another one.

V: Valentines Day (What do they do for Valentines Day?)

He got you a whole bouquet of flowers! Lilies, Roses, Marigolds, a bunch of different kinds, because he believes that you deserve them.

W: Wishes (What do they hope for from their relationship?)

He has a 27-step plan for your relationship. No, he will not disclose what exactly is all there, but the important thing is that step 19 is marriage.

X: X Ray (What goes on in their mind regularly?)

"How can I implement this into our ghost busting? Hmm..."

"Reasonably that wouldn't make much sense.... however...."

"They really seem to like it when I cook dinner, perhaps I should do it more often?"

Y: Yearning (How much do they miss you while away from you?)

He sees no reason to really spend too much time thinking of you while at work. After all, he'll see you afterward, and you're fully capable of taking care of yourself, so why worry?

Z: Zzz.... (What do they dream about?)

His dreams tend to consist of him capturing ghosts, so, surprisingly, pretty much the exact same as his work every day.

[zorosjuicymelonsx]

Finding You

A/N: Guys I'm here and I'm so sorry I'm a week late with this. I got a new job after losing mine a few months ago so things have been hectic lately with my schedule. All I can say is sometimes adulting SUCKS but I love money so 😭🤑

A lovely reader on AO3 had helped me realise there was an anomaly with the timeline of how Y/N and Zoro meet and all so I went through it and I thought I would go through this:

Y/N's flashback of Zoro sleeping in the forest in Chapter 3 was when they were 15 so its actually 7 years ago and not 4 years ago. I've edited this and amended the story you tell Zoro slightly in Chapter 5 to correct this so my apologies for not finding this sooner. I wanted to show that she had a crush on him before they officially met after he rescued her in the alley. They then turn 16, graduate school and then Zoro asks her out. They date till 18, get engaged and marry at 19. Zoro disappears a few days after this and you spend the 2, almost 2 and a half years looking for him so he's 21 and your 21.

Its sometime after Wano and Egghead doesn't exist in this "dimension" when you find him in Chapter 1 so they're just cruising right now. I wanted to match the actual One Piece ages he was before and after timeskip.

I hope this has helped clarify if anyone else was confused of the timeline but please do enjoy this chapter. Because of my new job, I'll do my very post to work and post in a timely manner. Thank you for everyones patience and support with me.

Chapter Eight Previous Next “Zoro? You okay?”

“i-I have to go, m’sorry.” 

That was the last thing he said to you a week ago in the Crows Nest. You had gone through every single possible reason for why he suddenly would switch up the way he did which left you nowhere near to a conclusive answer. You were sure you’d done absolutely nothing but at the same time doubted yourself and wondered if you had done something unconsciously. 

Since then, he'd practically been living in the Crows Nest. He never ate in the galley anymore, never came on the deck to hang around with anyone and you weren’t even sure if he was sticking with his once a week baths. Every time you tried to seek him out, you noticed the hint of stress in his face and would walk away in the opposite direction. Thankfully you weren’t the only one who noticed the swordsman's strange behaviour. 

“Marimo is really starting to piss me off, can you believe he’s making me bring his meals to him like I’m some waiter?!” Sanji spat with annoyance as he piled nourishment onto Zoro’s breakfast plate. You knew Zoro wouldn’t have asked Sanji for food, you just understood Sanjis code of ethics when it came to making sure that every member of the crew was properly fed and nourished. You appreciated him for it. 

You were one of the few who remained in the galley after breakfast, sitting with Jinbe and Usopp who were finishing off their own meals. You’d leaned forward to sit your chin on your forearms as you traced the rim of your coffee cup with your finger caught in a net of progressive overthinking of the enigma that was your husband. 

“Has he really not said anything?” Usopp asked Sanji, the cook turning to face them, the plate in his hand piled high in mostly eggs, sausages and toast. 

“Not a word. I swear the algae on his heads really taken over his brain.” Sanji cursed before leaving the galley, chewing on his unlit cigarette. 

“Isn’t this normal for Zoro? I mean he is pretty quiet.” Jinbe asked Usopp. Since Jinbe was the most recent crewmate to join Luffy and the crew before you, it was understandable he would ask. You would have agreed with Jinbe on the fact Zoro was quiet, however, you knew better than to mistake this for just his regular self. 

“When something is bothering him, he shuts down. He avoids everyone, he won’t talk, he’ll just isolate. I just can’t figure out what's bothering him.” You grumbled out before lifting your cup to take a gulp of your coffee. Setting the cup down, you realised you couldn’t hear either of them talking anymore and turned to see them both staring at you with wide eyes. 

“Has he really never done this in front of you guys?” You questioned the gaping pair with a raised brow slightly mocking their owlish stares back. Jinbe shook his head as expected whereas Usopp's gaze drifted off behind you in thought. You assumed he was revisiting his album of memories with the swordsman. 

“Well…there was the time on Thriller Bark when he shut himself away to train but it wasn’t anything like this.” Usopp answered cautiously, his mouth slightly turned down in slight distress.This caught your attention and your heart filled with anxiety. 

“What happened?” You asked, unconsciously frowning. Usopp's gaze refocused back to yours, adjusting himself uncomfortably in his seat as he seemed hesitant to retell the story. Nonetheless, he sighed before clearing his throat to speak. 

“We were on Thriller Bark where we met Brook. Brook was stuck on his old crew's ship and he couldn’t leave because his shadow being taken by the ex-warlord Gecko Moria.”

“Brook has a shadow?” You asked in surprise trying to suppress a laugh. You valued Brook as a crew member despite his panties fetish. Thankfully Nami always stepped in after he asked to put him in his place.

“I don’t even know anymore, ANYWAYS ....we managed to defeat him but another ex-warlord named Kuma came for us.We don’t know what exactly happened because Kuma knocked us out but we know Zoro got really hurt. He was unconscious for a few days after that. I think at the time we underestimated them but knowing him, he blamed himself for not being strong enough.” 

Usopp clarified, his tone laced with guilt. Your heart ached at the idea of Zoro being that severely injured to that extent. You knew he didn’t care as long as he met his goal in the end even if you did reprimand him on his mentality many times over the years you both dated. You had eventually accepted it and you didn’t want to stand in his way.

“Let's just give him space and see what happens.” You spoke assuringly to the two despite your chest hammering with the anxiety of unsurety. 

One Week Later

Two weeks had passed since you last heard Zoro's voice. The patient person you were two weeks ago was buried deep inside and now your patience was wearing thin along with your paranoia running rampant. You couldn’t take the silence anymore and neither could the rest of the crew. 

It was the afternoon and Nami had called everyone in for a crew meeting on deck, including Zoro who had unsuccessfully attempted to blend into the background. Your eyes has locked in on him from the moment you walked in and spotted green. You also saw the obvious attempt he made to avoid looking your way as he chose to focus his gaze on the wall behind Nami. 

‘Just what was so interesting about the wall you fucker?’ You thought to yourself as you leaned back in your chair in observation. 

“Right guys, I called this meeting in because I came across information that there's an island nearby rumoured to have a fuck ton of treasure. We gotta make a game plan.” Nami excitedly spoke, the berries practically beaming out of her eye sockets. Reluctantly, you took your eyes away from Zoro to focus on Nami. 

For about an hour, she went over and planned in detail how to navigate the island, showing you and the others the maps and other sources of information from a book she read detailing the treasure and its history. 

“I also decided that not all of us can go on the island so I’m picking Zoro and Y/N to stay behind on the ship.” Nami added. From the corner of your eye, you noticed Zoro stiffen before clearing his throat to speak up. 

“I’m coming with you guys, have Sanji stay on the ship with Y/N.” Zoro spoke in a low, reserved manner clearly disguising his obvious discomfort towards you. It was the first time you’d heard his voice in two weeks but hearing the words he chose only had you gritting your teeth. You took a deep breath in and decided that at that moment you couldn’t take anymore. 

He had drawn your last straw. 

“Oh Y/N-chan, I’d love to-” You cut off Sanji as you stood up from your seat, the feet of the chair roughly scraping against the floor boards as you paced your steps towards Zoro to now stand strong in front of him. You felt the intense gaze of the others on you but ignored it, the anger you felt overpowered your rationality. 

“Whats your fucking problem?” You spat out as you looked up at him. 

This caught him off surprise. You could see he was trying to shift away from you but you weren’t going to allow him to get out of this. You moved in tandem with him whenever he attempted to get away from you only to have him give up and stay glued to the wall behind him. 

“I ain’t got no problem-”

“Bullshit. You’ve been avoiding me for the past two weeks. In fact, you’ve been avoiding ALL of us.” 

“You’re being dramatic.”

“No I’m fucking not.” You somehow got even closer, your chest practically touching his as you felt his body heat against you. 

“She's really not Zoro, did something happen between you two?” Nami asked cautiously behind you.

“Did I do something?” 

He could see you were frustrated with him and he could see he was only hurting you more than he wanted to. 

‘I’m sorry….’ He thought as he looked at you, the guilt overwhelming him. 

Whilst he didn’t appreciate the questioning from you and the heavy gazes of everyone, he will admit he had isolated himself from you. It wasn’t because you did anything to him personally and it wasn’t because he started rejecting your presence on the ship; by far you'd been patient with him by letting him be. The persistent questioning he got from the others, especially the shitty cook despite being appreciative of him bringing his meals to him only to be met with silence from him only fueled his guilt. Since the discovery of his feelings for you, he felt overwhelmed. Being around you distracted him. He felt the want to be with you but at the same time, his mind shielded him from you as if he was protecting himself from you. He prided himself in being strong minded and he felt frustrated with himself over how he could possibly feel this way when he prided himself in being strong minded. He could only theorise that this mental block with you had to do with the guy who’d wiped his memory. 

‘Was his named Edward? Ethan? Whatever, it didn’t matter.’

He knew he was being a dick by staying away from you but he didn’t know what else to do. The moment he accepted his feelings for you, he’d also accepted what felt like an overwhelming burden in his stomach. He felt panic, a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time. He left you in the Crows Nest, remembering the feeling of not being able to breathe. This was why Zoro did not do feelings; they were complicated. 

“You didn’t do anyth-”

“Then why have you been avoiding me?” You persistently questioned, the frustration brimming in your eyes. 

“I’m done with this, I’m leaving.” He felt his heart climbing up into his throat with you being so close to him.

“Oh no you don’t, you’re not getting out of this one.” 

You made an impulse decision out of anger. With your free hand, you summoned a hole behind Zoro. You pictured the very island where you spent time training yourself with your devil fruit, knowing it was quiet and you wouldn’t be disturbed. The hole behind him had formed and Zoro had realised too late he was no longer leaning against solid and fell through the smoke of clouds that enveloped him. 

You turned to the others who were gaping at you in shock. Even Luffy stayed glued to his seat with no attempt to jump through the cloud of smoke. 

“I’ll bring him back tomorrow.” You huffed out before going through the hole yourself. 

As you landed in the sand of the island, you looked up to see the hole you summoned. You then looked around to see your surroundings. The island hadn’t changed one bit; the wave of nostalgia hit as you breathed in the smell of the sand and sea, the lingering scent of greenery coming from the forest coming into the mix as well. If you looked around again, you’d be able to find the rock you carved the last date you were here before leaving to continue your search for Zoro. 

You purposefully summoned the hole on the empty side of the island, choosing to leave the small population of habitants to the other side undisturbed. They were peaceful people and had even shared a few meals with you from time to time whenever a few of them found you exhausted from exertion after training. They knew you well and that you didn’t pose a threat, choosing to peacefully coexist with them. 

Once closed, the anger still ever present in your system you looked around to spot Zoro sitting in the sand as he looked around taking his surroundings. 

“Wh-where are-?” 

“You gonna talk or what?” You aggressively asked. 

Zoro was now angry. He didn’t want to fight with you, he just wanted to piece together his feelings and rebuild his courage to be around you. He wasn’t ready to face you and being here with you only made him feel worse.  

He stood up from the sand and stomped over to stand over you, pushing the bile from his thumping heart back down his throat.

“What…the FUCK…were you thinking? Why would you do that? Do you realise without me there, you’ve put the others in danger? Take us back NOW.” 

“First of all, step the fuck back and calm down. Second of all, they’ll be fine. Third of all, were not going anywhere until we sort whatever the fucks gone up your ass and died.” You said as you matched his energy. 

“Fuck this, I’m out.” Zoro refused to admit anything. He couldn’t. He turned away from you and began walking. 

“Roronoa Zoro, come back here now.” You ordered him as you followed behind. 

“No. Piss off.” He called back as he continued stomping. 

“Zoro, stop.” You shouted, your voice almost broke as your anger now turned into hurt. 

“Leave me alone Y/N.” 

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?” You now cried out. You couldn’t stop the tears and the lump in your throat as you stared at his back. 

Zoro stopped at the sound of your voice breaking. He frowned at the thought of you upset, his heart ached but he couldn’t turn around. 

“I’m not doing anything to you Y/N. I just need space.” He spoke regretfully before he continued walking again and turned left heading into the forest. You stood still as you watched him walk away.

“Fuck.” You whispered to yourself, taking your palm to rub against your forehead in frustration and then using the back of your hand to wipe your tears away. You hated crying, you’d always felt so weak. No matter how much you try to control it, the tears always win. You decided to sit, digging yourself further into the sand before leaning back to let it envelop you. 

You breathed in, allowing yourself to take in the sound of the waves crashing against the damp sand. You didn’t realise how much you missed being back on land. You loved being on the Sunny, you really did but sometimes allowing yourself to be grounded for a bit always helped. 

You let your hands moved with the sand, feeling the softness of it between your fingers. You clenched the sand into your palms finding the action soothing and allowing the anger you’d felt seep into each particle.

What were you going to do with Zoro? 

————————————- ⚔️✨ ————————————

A few hours had passed and you found yourself waking up from a nap you had unconsciously taken. You noticed the sun was beginning to lower, you predicted you had a few hours left before nightfall. You sighed before getting up from the sand, swiping off the residue of sand that was left on your clothes and turned to face the direction Zoro left you from. You were grateful the island was small and you knew it  wouldn’t take you long to track down the lost swordsman. 

As you were about to start walking, you felt a presence lurking near you. You stiffened before smiling and realising there was more than one and posed no danger. 

“How long have you guys been there for?” You called out. You turned to find a small group of what you assumed were hunters gathering food. The group consisted of three men and one woman. 

“Y/N, are you okay?” One of the male hunters asked. 

“I’m fine don’t worry…you didn’t happen to see a green haired guy with three swords roaming around?” You queried. You didn’t know them personally but you assumed the few that did check in on you when you were training spread the word to the others of your existence.

“He’s sitting by the waterfall.” The female hunter softly answered. You nodded as you brought the memorised path to the area up into your mind to plan out your short walk. 

“Thank you, don’t mind us. We’ll be gone tomorrow.” You promised before you began making your way to him. A short walk through the forest and your feet found you at the beginning of a small lake. As you continued, your eyes caught the waterfall and the blue hues of water falling over into the lake. You looked around and soon enough your eyes caught on a head of green hair. You frowned at his slouched demeanor, noticing his eye was lost in the water and in thought. You took a quick breath in before continuing your walk to now stand near the swordsman. You noticed his body stiffened as you felt your presence before slouching back, his eye not breaking out of his lost gaze. 

“Zoro…I.” 

“Don’t speak.” 

Your mouth closed into a straight line, the words ‘I’m sorry’ stuck at the tip of your tongue. You felt like you stood for eternity but just a few short minutes later and you decided to find a seat on the grass near him. Your eyes followed his and soon enough you were also lost in the water with him. Apart from the sounds of the water crashing into the lake and the gentle calls from the birds in the trees, the angst between the both of you laid thick. 

As you watched the water, you were reminded of how much you missed swimming and the ability to just float. You had thankfully never fallen into the ocean since obtaining your devil fruit but the thought of sinking struck fear in you. You missed the feeling of saltwater soaking into your skin, letting your fingertips wrinkle and allowing your mind to wonder and be free. Sure you were able to shower in non-sea water but it just wasn’t the same. 

Time had passed and the sky had turned into a deep hue of orange indicating the end of daylight. The forest had begun to fill out with fireflies, adding to the ambiance and giving light to where you both sat. You knew you’d have to start a fire and look for food soon but you couldn’t find the will to do so yet. 

You had decided to scoot closer to the edge of the lake, allowing yourself to indulge in the only closeness you can have to water. 

“You ain’t plannin to jump in right?” 

Hearing his voice shook you out of thought, you shook your head to answer his question. 

Zoro had every right to be pissed at you but seeing the sadness in your face made him feel guilty for letting himself behave like a teenager for hours. This was his fault after all but admitted he let his pride get the better of him. 

“Why’re you moping?”

“I’m not moping..I’m just remembering how much I enjoyed swimming and just being in the ocean.” You confessed, pouting and allowing yourself to lean on your hand. 

“I thought you didn’t regret-” 

“I don’t regret anything. I’m allowed to feel sad.” You snapped. 

He allowed silence to fill the space between the both of you for a moment before he made an anxiety-consuming decision that would definitely change everything. 

“You wanna go in?” Zoro softly asked. 

You turned to face him, surprise evident in your face. 

“That's impossible, I’ll just feel weak and sink.” You answered. 

“Not if I’m holding you.” Zoro said. 

“I thought you were avoiding me, now you wanna hold me?” You questioned back. 

“Answer my question; you want to go in yes or no?” Zoro bit back with slight annoyance at you being argumentative. 

You bit your lip to stop yourself from going into a tangent, turning to look back at the water before nodding. 

From seeing your physical consent, Zoro stood up and began to strip. You visibly blushed and let your gaze turn away from him refusing to turn it into ogling. He brought himself into your line of vision as he walked forward and stepped into the water, waiting with his back turned to you at the edge to allow you privacy. You were able to see he was just left in his boxers. You stared for a bit before finding your brevity and beginning to strip until you were just in your underwear and bra. You walked a few steps forward until you stood just behind him but you hadn’t stepped in the water yet.

“Am I okay to pick you up?” Zoro cautiously asked, his back still facing you.

“y-Yeah you can.” 

Zoro turned around, pushing back his raging heartbeat and ignoring the growing heat in his skin before scooping you into his arms bridal style and slowly walking back into the lake until he was halfway submerged. You relished in the warmth of his skin and you hadn’t realised just how much you missed his presence. 

“If it gets too much for you, tell me and I’ll take you back.” Zoro’s voice almost broke. He was currently fighting back the blush that had threatened to consume his wholebeing as he avoided looking down at your naked body. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen a naked woman before, heck Nami and Robin walked around the ship in practically nothing and it never once bothered him. Seeing you see this way; shy and almost vulnerable gave a completely different meaning to it. He couldn’t fathom anyone else seeing you like this and the mere idea of any man seeing you this way made his skin itch and his temper rise.  

He hadn’t even allowed himself to be consumed in the lust-filled thoughts he had of you since his recent awakening of feelings he had for you. He felt too much respect for you to subject you to his internal needs. He didn’t even know if you both even consummated the marriage before he disappeared but refused to go down the tangent of thoughts surrounding it. 

He slowly began to lower you into the water, allowing the flow of the water to cover your legs and your arms. You gasped at the sudden coolness of the water, immediately feeling the weakness of the ocean consume you. Rather than fighting the weakness, you allowed it to sit as you relished in the feeling of the cool water and Zoro’s body heat. 

“You okay?” 

“Thank you Zoro.” You quietly spoke, grateful to him. 

His concern alone was enough for you to choke on a sob. You were overwhelmed. 

“Why did you avoid me?” You weakly asked, allowing yourself to cry. 

“M’sorry.” Zoro mumbled back as he bit the inside of his cheek.

“I don’t want a sorry…I want an answer.” 

Zoro said nothing. He didn’t know how to confess his feelings to you. He couldn’t even begin to explain or know where to start with talking about what was wrong with him. Seeing you broken hurt him badly and he knew he couldn’t let this go on anymore. 

‘Show her.’ 

A small voice in his head spoke. He frowned at the intrusion of the voice. 

‘Show her how you feel.’ 

He looked down to see you looking back up at him. The yearning he felt to hold you closer, the want to be with you overtook him. 

He decided to listen to the foreign voice, putting his anxiety to one side as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours in a chaste kiss.

————————————- ⚔️✨ ————————————

A/N: HE DID IT!!! FINALLY HE KISSED YOU AHHHHHHH 🥳 😭💚

Taglist: @starlightanyaaa @eggrollforyou @rosellerinfrost @qalable

[iheartmoons]

hi @moonagebooklover, i'm sorry for getting lovey on my blog instead of in ur asks xx but unfortunately i think this is the only way i can make sure that you get a message scheduled for ur birthday. ANYWAYS!! EVERYONE, IT'S MY WIFE'S BDAY :)))

hm, what to say, what to say. you're the best thing ever actually, and anyone who's friends with you is so lucky. honest to god, i've been thinking of what to say for a while bc i knew that i wouldn't have a device to text you myself, and b4 we were even talking very much, i was going to say something like "ur one of my favs, and it doesn't even matter if i'm not one of ur favs, because you deserve all the love blah blah" BUT. HAHAHA BUT. turns out i'm actually ur second fav and you remind me every day, and i have never ever encountered someone who is so devoted to making sure that people are loved (maybe you bully ur other friends, but... thats not my business 😇😇). ur so caring and incredible, and you joke from time to time about not having many friends, but i have literally never met someone who deserves all the friends in the world. like. oh my god. ur lovely and kind and i love hearing about your day and life, and i love that you sleep so late even though you really need to sleep before 12 because what the fuck, also you kept reminding me during exams that i needed sleep and i love you for that, and some day i'll have to repay you for all the love you emit just by showing that you care, but i'm not sure how i'll even begin. you fr help me manage my life, and im so grateful that you exist. that playlist sooths my soul and it's probably the best thing someone's ever done for me. so thank you <3 for just caring. (this is me trying to say: i care about you too, just as much, probably more)

anyways, happy birthday to my wife yall

i'm 96% sure that you're up right now, because god forbid that you go to bed before midnight, but i hope ur doing something fun like eating caramel ice cream or cake or something :)) but HOPEFULLY ur asleep right now xx

also, i hope ur having an incredible birthday party, and everyone there is super focused on you and u get to eat all that cake and receive all those presents 😻😻😻(seriously though, i hope you get to have some attention and time on you today, because you really deserve it. im genuinely upset that i dont get to give you the time + attention, but im hoping ur other friends will otherwise i'll tell them off xx)

[tuftypompom]

Update on the Chapter 3 Mock Stuff + Some Other Stuff!!

Hey all! It's me, your favorite purple goat with a booty stank upload and sleep schedule, Pompom!

Ever since the newsletter Toby had published on Halloween, I have started to feel less and less encouraged towards continuing my mock Chapter 3 content. On top of lacking any sort of consistent motivation towards making music like I used to have, it seems like we're nearing the release of Chapter 4 sometime within the next couple of years. Now, that's exciting, for sure! And, while it may seem like a long time, it's been, like, almost half a year since my last uploads, LIGHT THE LIGHTS and Written in Stone, and, while I certainly feel better than I had during that time, there's no denying that I still lack so much of the creative potential I once held, and I'm afraid my motivation has been so lacking, that I can't fathom when I'll ever feel the same again. I would kill to upload consistently again sometime, but it really does feel like I have to be on this little forced hiatus. Darn you, brain!

Well- Apologies for the pseudo vent post! But I only bring this up because, due to these complications, I've decided to just drop what I have now here. This doesn't mean I'll never pick these back up, but I feel terrible for leaving my last upload five months in the past, and I haven't really added anything major to any of these tracks since, well, forever ago! So, if it's something you're interested in, these three are among the primary tracks I was developing for my mock Chapter 3.

"Obligatory Field Area"

Obviously, this track holds no title. I mean, technically speaking, none of them do, but the other two I just decided to play along with the existing naming schemes of Deltarune character tracks (Like "Queen", or "Lancer" (But is that called "I'm the Bad Guy?" I don't really know...)). Meant to be the primary area of the mock chapter, resembling a similar, sprawling "field" to that of Hopes & Dreams and Cyber, this is where you would, inevitably, meet Tenna. The art was just a quick mockup I made and never expanded upon, so excuse the poor quality.

Mike

A (very short) song doodle I was making for Mike, the day host (Think of him and Tenna like Nickelodeon and Nick @ Nite, or Cartoon Network and Adult Swim!). Mike holds a more mature, thoughtful attitude and is much less of a "threat" to the Lightners. Even if he has a notably short temper, he knows how to keep his cool and to remain with his stage face on! Instead of directly stopping the Lightners, he more so just likes fooling with them to keep his audience entertained. That is until partway into the chapter, when a mysterious foe comes to bust the party and kick Mike off the stage...

Tenna

A theme for the Big T himself, Tenna! He's a lot more, uhm.. Obnoxious? Than Mike? Being the night host, he holds a more brash attitude for his more mature audiences, and is a lot less thoughtful than Mike. There's not a lot else to say about him, as that's all I've really had in mind up to now, lol. Probably my favorite theme out of the three, though; Obviously, it's kind of a re-take of my previous "Mike" theme that was just made for funsies.

And that's it, really! Those are the three big songs I was doodling out before my brain said, "No." Perhaps sometime in the future I'll pick these back up and continuing developing my ideas. Thankfully, other than music, I've still been trying to get some stuff done, including prototyping various game ideas pseudo-privately. I do anticipate uploading on Tumblr more, I've just never really had a reason to do so as of yet, lol. Sometime, though, I'd love to eventually start posting about my coding projects, and maybe my art. I've never really worked with social media platforms before, admittedly, but I'll definitely try to at least consider branching out and experimenting more with Tumblr going forward.

Thank you all for the continued support! I hope to continue posting sometime, whether it be about music, coding, or whatever.

[howlingday]

For the Ask game: #3, 4, 6, 7

3. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy incorporating romance into the average story?

Unfortunately, I suffer from a very, very rare psychological condition known simply as "Ship-Brain". I see the slightest interaction between two characters, and my brain thinks of them doing cute things.

However, I remember a really good piece of advice for romance. The question is, "Why can't they be together now?" The best example I can think of for incorporating romance is the Night Angel "Shadows" trilogy between Kylar and Doll Girl.

---------------------------------------------------

4. What is the plot bunny you've been carrying for the longest? BONUS: Do you ever wonder why you haven't written it yet and experience existential dread?

Plot bunny? Uh, one sec...

Oh! You mean a story idea that never came out? Yeah, I have a couple of those. The one I've held the longest is probably the first and only legitimate story I thought of for a young adult fantasy novel. As for why I haven't written it, it's probably because I don't know the first thing about writing a real book, how it gets published, and a bunch of nihilistic rocks rattling in my skull. Still, whenever I get the urge to write it down, I write it onto a piece of scratch paper that I inevitably lose.

---------------------------------------------------

6. Do you have any kind of consistent writing schedule, or just hoping for the best?

It usually depends on my work. If I have free time, I'll try to work on a project bit by bit. If nothing else, I'll at least get the first paragraph done. The best time for me to do this is in my car, for an hour, on my phone, before work.

This past week was the worst because I had the bright idea to push myself in my muay thai class, resulting in me sleeping in late and having no time for my hour-long drafting. Going to bed at midnight doesn't help either.

---------------------------------------------------

7. Tell us about the plot of the first fan fic you ever wrote.

Ooh, now that takes me back...

I'll start with the first fan fic I ever published, which is "Lie Ren Goes To The Market" on FanFiction.Net. At the time, FF.net had a rule about how the first fic couldn't be above a "T-for-Teen" rating. So I chose a simple story about Ren going to Vale for a weekly chore. Most interesting experience from this was when an actual english professor corrected my grammar! Talk about a shock!

Now, as for the first fic I ever wrote, it was an anime chatroom. Yeah, it was that kind of cringe. My friend and I would write Naruto Chat Room stories and share them with each other. I would then watch Naruto Chat Room videos on YouTube like they were got dang soap operas! The plot didn't really exist; it was all more randomness than anything.

[mizakikimoto]

I have a certain situation that I need to get in. It's either that or I die.

It's...low chance. But...no choice.

So, these past few days I've been marking up this map. I want to be ready to go.

That's why this spreadsheet exists. I've been working on it since last year.

When I started on this spreadsheet I was full of adrenaline. I just got kicked out.

I've pushed through with this body since I was a little boy. I've had many days where I was tired...so tired. But...I moved. I've had so much stress on me since that age. So many migraines. Going hours without food, or just a little food.

I spent every day in high school tired.

I could go on about this.

Point is...I really ran out of energy in maybe 2014. I could only get by on way too much sugar.

2015...since 2015...I've been beyond dysfunctional. Slurred speech. Rough appearance. Slow thinking. Being irritable. I've basically been drunk and high 24/7 without drugs or alcohol.

I thought, last year, that I could push through again. Even in such a rough position my body made it clear: "I either sit down, finally...or my heart gives out."

No one will acknowledge it, of course.

No one can do what I can. They'd've tapped out years ago. Killed themselves. Beyond that...they don't have a noggin like mine. They can't resist sleep like me. Or output like me. Or exhaust themselves like I can. It sounds like...made up. It's not.

10 hours of sleep a day isn't going to be enough. A few weeks off isn't gonna fix this. I need 24 hours, every day, for years. There's no substitute.

I need the time stolen from me: to do things and also to rest. I need some of it. My days need to be...really, really full. I have to operate on a schedule that doesn't care about the work day, for most days anyway.

I just need things to work. I need to know what's what.

I'll take walks too, get lost (and discover new places). I did that before I burned out, for real.

People will tell me about places.

I'm just ready to go.

I keep telling myself that once I finalize these lists that someone will get back to me, to help me.

Well...I think I've done all the prep I can do.

Your turn, society. Screwed me over enough. Time to make it up.

-Chris

[autodialog]

Burnout

You remembered me.

Yeah, I completely forgot you existed. Sorry about that.

No worries.

No guilt trip?

I'm your inner sage, your satan, your voice of reason. What good would a guilt trip be at this point?

Pretty damned useless.

You swear too much.

I know.

So you're burned out.

I found out that my paid time off doesn't flow over to the next year, and I've never really worried about accounting for my time off. But I had to do the accounting and discovered 130 hours sitting there waiting to be used.

You need a break.

I needed a break six months ago. I'm a set-it-and-forget-it kind of guy. I don't take days off unless I have to.

That's not good enough. You need to schedule more time off in the future and stick to it.

Yeah, I know. I know. I've already added one day to my calendar next year. I'm waiting on my wife's job prospects before scheduling any other vacations, but I'm going to schedule them. I promise.

You also promised to call the clinic to get hearing aids today.

Damn. I forgot to do that.

Yup. See? I don't need to guilt trip you at all. So you're burned out.

Big time, but I'm afraid of it.

There is nothing to fear about it.

I'm afraid of the concept of it. It's hitting me. I really am burned out. I feel it. I know it. My brain in mush. At work I stare at my computer and can think of thirty things that have to get done and I have no idea how to do any of them.

Just start.

That's a recipe for burnout. I can't move forward. I'm scared.

Of what?

Burn out.

That doesn't make any sense, so explain it to me like I'm five.

Okay, you know how I don't even like to say the word "vulnerable"? It's a nasty word. It even feels wrong to say it, let alone be vulnerable. Brené Brown talks about it a lot and I just don't get it. I even heard the word used to describe John McClane in Die Hard and it seemed so wrong. Burn out is the same way. I'm supposed to be stronger than that. More resiliient.

Ah! So you don't know what resilient means.

It has two meanings. One is to be hard like stone and not moved by the world.

Be like the promontory against which the waves continually break, but it stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it.

And that's you, is it?

Sometimes.

But that's not how it works. The rocks eventually fall to erosion from the waves. Rocks are just slower about it than human beings. We break faster, but we also have something rocks don't have.

Oh?

We grow back stronger. Isn't that the whole point of progressive strength training? The body repairs itself from the careful damage done to it under the bar and so the next time you have to do just a tad bit more careful damage.

That's pretty basic.

You know what's missing in that? Rest. You can heal, unlike the rock. You can grow stronger, but only when you rest. A night's sleep isn't enough. How many times this week did you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work?

A couple of times.

And did you wake up thinking about music or writing or art or books?

No.

So you are failing even to retreat into your own mind often enough. You're not taking the time to remember what is good and what is bad, what is virtuous and what is vicious. If you were to stop right now and determine what was good or bad in your world, how would you enumerate them?

I'd stare blankly, unthinking.

Really? You've never unthought in your life.

There are people, supposedly, who do not have an inner monologue. I have a hard time believing this is true.

You're not one of those people. I've been narrating your life since you were a kid and invented YouTube before the World Wide Web was a thing. You have thoughts all the time, as well as tinnitus. So what's really going on when you can't even think of a word?

Sometimes pure unadulterated fear. The big one is aphasia. I've seen it do things to people and I don't want to put my wife through that. But today trying to explain something to her I couldn't. I couldn't find the word to start with.

Which is all the more proof that whatever well you draw from is damn near empty and you need to pause to refill it. But you're afraid to do that.

I am.

You think it's a point of strength to plow forward and work twelve-hour days until this work crisis is over.

I do.

You're an idiot.

You're not being helpful right now.

Yes, I am, but you're being an idiot and not listening to me. Come back in the morning after you've slept.

[rendevousz]

not a lonely birthday

teen!actress!reader x platonic!jeremy renner

brief reader x marvel cast

req by @maximeevansblog : The reader (me ) is dating jeremy renner its the readers birtday, and jeremy renner spoiling her, taking to the hair salon and to the nail salon , and the trows a party for her, and he asks her to marry him, and a couple months later the reader is asked to been on say yes to the dress and alot of fluff please (i'm so sorry i couldn't write your exact request. i added the other cast too but it's still mainly jeremy renner so i hope you enjoy this still)

summary: you thought you were gonna have to spend your birthday alone but jeremy had other plans.

word count: 3296

note: i told her i couldn't really write romance because my blog is mainly teen!reader and she said i could just turn it into an x teen!reader so i did. i mean, i can write a non teen!reader but it probably won't be anytime soon so i'm not taking requests that aren't x teen!reader as of now <33

"are you sure you'll be okay?"

"yes, mum, i'll be fine here. i've been doing fine for the past two and a half months, what's another week without you guys gonna do to me?" you told your mother on the phone, rolling your eyes at her excessive, unnecessary worrying.

"we're so sorry about this, sweetheart," you heard your dad speak and you figured he must've been listening the whole time. your mum must've had it on speaker since the beginning of the phone call.

"you shouldn't have to spend your birthday all alone. i promise we'll make it up to you, honey." your mother spoke again and you groaned. "i keep telling you that it's fine. and what do you take me for, a loner? i've got the others here, mum, i'll be fine." you told her, a smile ghosting over your lips at how concerned she is of you.

your birthday was coming in two days and having a whole movie to film meant that you weren't allowed to leave the country for just a weekend to celebrate it with your family. so, they worked around your schedule and planned a trip to visit. unfortunately, your idiot of a brother managed to get himself into a skating accident and had to be hospitalised, affecting their whole plan of coming to celebrate your 18th birthday with you. well, not on the day of your birthday, at least.

"i'll make sure sarah'll bring you out to celebrate, okay? i'm so sorry about this, y/n." you could practically hear the pout in her voice and you held back the urge to tell her off for profusely apologising, you didn't want to receive a beating when she finally arrives here.

"i'll be fine, mum," you whined. "as i said, i'll be filming on my birthday too so i'll at least be with the cast then. it's never a dull day with them. and i'll be waiting for your gift from sarah on my birthday." you teased her. you knew she had a habit of getting birthday gifts way too early. for once, she was grateful for that because she had given sarah—your manager and also a family friend— your birthday present for her to safe-keep in case anything like this happened and she couldn't give it to you on your birthday.

"i'll give you permission to whack your brother once we come." your dad tells you seriously and you laughed. "thanks, dad. i'll be sure to remember it. anyways, i have to get back on set soon. i'll talk to you guys when i can?"

"of course, honey. have fun on set!" your parents bid you goodbye and you hung up with an adoring smile on your face. you missed your family and having been able to hear your parents' voices for a mere five minutes was enough to cure it for even just a little bit. sure, you were disappointed that you weren't going to get to spend your birthday with them but spending it doing what you love—acting— with the people, aside from your family and friends from home, that you love—the cast— didn't sound so bad.

"i'm so sorry about this, darling." you heard someone say, effectively breaking your train of thoughts. you turned to the source of the voice, meeting the hazel eyes of your manager and long-time family friend, sarah. she pulls you in for a hug that you groaned into but still returned. you rolled your eyes playfully when she let go. "i'm not upset, sarah."

"i know. but you're disappointed." she says softly, fixing your costume after the hug messed it up a little. "maybe i am, but it doesn't matter. i chose this life so technically i brought all of this upon myself. i signed up to have a normal life stripped away from me." you told her honestly, internally cringing because you hadn't meant to get that deep.

"y/n," her hands rested on both of your shoulders and she looks down at you with that stern mum glare she'd give you whenever you were being a little troublemaker. she was practically your second mum, having promised your own that she'd take care of you whenever you had to travel for filming.

"i know, i know, i'm sorry. i didn't mean it in a bad way. i love my job but it sucks that i have to be far away from family, you know?" you sighed. "i understand, darling. it's hard but hey, i'll be with you the whole day, okay? we'll go out and have a nice girl's day out together, do whatever you want. that sound nice to you?" she places a gentle hand against your skin, careful not to rub the fake dirt and wound makeup on your face.

"that sounds great, sarah. i have only a half day of filming that day, right?" you ask her, knowing she remembers your schedule better than you yourself do. "yup. anyways, they need you on set 3. get out there and make me proud, darling."

-

"and....cut!" the director called out and you dramatically dropped limp against the wire harness attached to your body, the wires holding up your weight so you didn't drop down to the floor but also didn't have to remain standing on your own.

you heard sebastian laughing, him being the closest to you in the scene you had just filmed. "you tired, y/n/n?" evans chuckled as he walked towards where you and seb were standing. "yeah, i just wanna sleep right now." you told them, standing up on your own when a crew member wanted to get your harness off.

"well, at least you get to rest now. you're done for the day right?" seb asked, the three of you now walking to the snack table together. "yeah but sarah wanted to take me out so maybe not rest but i'll get to relax. that's good enough," you say, peeling off a banana and taking a bite while the two men drank some water.

"she's taking you out later today? is there a special occasion?" chris asked and you smiled at him. "nah, nothing much. she just thought i've been stressed lately." you lied. you didn't want to seem attention-seeking for telling chris and sebastian that it was your birthday so you settled on a little lie.

"she's not wrong. you have been working hard and you deserve a relaxing evening off work." seb agreed.

"oh she's walking over here right now. are you going now?" chris asked, eyes trained behind you as he watched sarah coming closer. you turned around, meeting her frown-etched face and you blinked profusely in confusion. "i thought we're going in two hours?"

"y/n, i'm so sorry. some stuff came up and i have last minute errands to run all day," she told you, offering a guilty expression when your face dropped slightly. "oh.. i– um, yeah, it's fine."

"are you sure it's fine? i promised you though," she frowned. "it's fine, i know you have a lot to handle and it's totally fine if we don't go out today. i'll just take a nap and be on netflix all day, i guess." you joked but sarah didn't laugh. "sarah, it's fine. you know i've been wanting to catch up on a list of shows. when else will i be able to do this?" you assured her, trying to mask your disappointment.

"i have to go now. i'll make it up to you, darling, i promise." she gave you a hug before running off somewhere. you felt bad for her because she probably had to be running here and there all day but it didn't change that you were disappointed. maybe you really did deserve this for choosing this life.

"hey kiddo," you felt someone ruffle your hair and you were almost going to go off on them for doing that before remembering you had just finished your last scene for the day. an arm rested over your shoulder and you looked up to see jeremy taking over sarah's previous spot.

"um excuse me? do we not exist?" chris joked when jeremy didn't greet him nor seb. jeremy rolled his eyes at them, turning back to look down at you. "you did great today, kiddo." he complimented and you smiled, thanking him.

"wow okay, i guess we really don't exist, huh? c'mon seb, let's go somewhere else where people appreciate our presence." evans sassed, glaring at you two as both men strutted away.

"good riddance," jeremy said, dropping his arm so that you two were now face to face. "happy birthday, y/n." he says, handing you a little bronze coloured box. you gasped as you took it in your hands.

"how'd you know it was my birthday?" you asked him, eyes wide in surprise. "of course i know your birthday, kiddo. after all, you are my favourite co-star." he grins, gesturing for you to open the box.

you did and your hand immediately flew to cover your mouth in shock. "jeremy! you didn't!" you gently took out the necklace from the box, examining it closely. the charm was in the shape of your favourite animal and the chain was gold. this must've costed him a fortune.

"jeremy, you didn't have to!" you exclaimed, pouting at him to prevent yourself from bursting into tears right then and there. "kiddo, i love you a lot, how could i not?"

playing clint's adopted, eldest daughter in the films, as well as a member of the avengers, you and jeremy worked together a lot. he helped you a lot with practicing your lines and emotions for specific scenes and you bonded over so many things you two had in common. even off set jeremy still acted like your father so practically everyone knew how close you two were. if sarah is considered your second mum, you'd say jeremy is your second dad.

"so i heard sarah bailed on your birthday date today," he says as he helped you put on the necklace, smiling fondly when you looked down at it happily. "thanks a lot, jeremy. you really didn't have to," you hugged him tight, the man chuckling as he hugged you back.

"and sarah didn't bail. she just has errands to run all day. can't blame her, she's a busy woman." you told him. "yeah yeah, anyways, how 'bout i take you out instead? a birthday lunch and a day out with your favourite cast mate?" he wiggles his eyebrows at you, a smirk playing on his lips.

"you don't have anymore scenes to shoot?" you ask. "i do but i have plenty of time before then." he replies. you agreed happily and he tells you to meet him outside the set in an hour so you two could change out of your costumes.

-

"you ready for the best day ever, kiddo?" jeremy asks as you entered the passenger seat. "best day ever? then shouldn't we invite the rest?" you teased, buckling your seatbelt. "hey! i'm pretty fun too!"

you chuckled at his childishness. "i'm kidding, you are fun. now let's go already, i'm starving." you complained and he started the engine, letting you play whatever songs you wanted as background to your small talk.

you had lunch first at your favourite restaurant but not before you two had a debate of whether you were allowed to because you were supposed to be on a diet during the length of the movie shooting and him ultimately going 'to hell with that diet, it's your special day' and then dragging you in. after that, he said he had a surprise for you and told you to just get in the car.

when he finally stopped somewhere, you realised it was a pretty well known hair salon in town and you tilted your head in confusion. why would he bring you here?

"you said you wanted to dye your hair, didn't you? let's do it." he says nonchalantly, unbuckling his seatbelt before you both exited the car. "are you crazy? we're still in the middle of filming!" you exclaim in disbelief. this man was crazy.

"yeah but it's not like they can't just get a wig of your current hair and use that for the rest of the filming. scar and lizzie wear wigs all the time, you can too. now let's go dye that stupid colour you want!" he cheers, tugging you along with him by your wrist, into the salon. you chuckled at his antics, letting him drag you.

the next hour or two was spent with you worrying that your parents would kill you for this, or worse, anthony or joe. you knew it would be a meltdown for them if you came back with your hair a completely different colour.

jeremy assured you that the russos, as well as your parents, would not get mad at this but you were pretty sure you'd get an earful from both pairs. you made him promise that he would talk to both parties that he was the one who convinced you to do this. but once your hair was done, all worries flew out the window as you admired your new hair.

"you look great, kiddo. this colour looks good on you." he looks at you with a fond smile, trying to resist the urge to ruffle your newly done hair but failing. you pouted at him when he did so, reaching up to fix it again. "sorry, y/n/n, couldn't resist," he states, pinching your cheek.

"alright, next stop now, let's go!" he pulls you by the wrist once again and you let him, used to him doing this already. the next time he stopped, you damn right almost had another heart attack because again, this man was crazy.

he did not just bring you to a nail place. surely he isn't about to let you get your nails done, right? the russos would have your head and his too if you were to get them done and casually get back to the studio.

"no." you said firmly, crossing your arms over your chest as you stayed seated in the passenger seat. "c'mon, y/n/n," he whined, throwing a tantrum outside the car door as he tried to get you to leave the car.

"no, jeremy, they'll literally send me back here to get it off because in case you forgot, in all my scenes, i don't have fancy nails." you reasoned, noticing that jeremy has now moved to your side of the car and the passenger seat door has now been opened, the man continuing to make a fuss closer to you now.

"no they will not, i'll make sure they don't. c'mon kiddo, it's your birthday, let's have a little fun!" he says but you were still unsure about the whole thing. "i don't know.."

"okay fine i guess i'll tell you this now. they didn't want to tell you until later today because they wanted it to be your kinda birthday present but your avenger suit has changed. it's not like the one in the last movie, it's got gloves now! and the rest of your scenes excluding the last few ones are all in your superhero suit right?" your eyes widened at this new information, a smile growing on your lips.

"wait, for real? are you sure they're not just fingerless gloves?" he smiles down at you. "yeah. i planned this day well, okay? put some trust in me, geez," he sassed, moving out of your way as you finally exited the car.

"this better not be a joke, renner, because if it is, i'll have your head." you threatened jokingly. "yeah, yeah. oh also, can you just pretend to be shocked when they tell you about your suit upgrade? because i really wasn't supposed to tell you this." he scratched the back of his head awkwardly as you walked two walked into the nail salon.

the entire time, he awkwardly sat at the side, waiting for you to be done. when you were though, he quickly got up, as if he had been restless sitting down the whole time.

"they're pretty," he says as you walked back to his car. "yeah, i really like them. haven't had my nails done in a long time." you replied, getting in the car and waiting for jeremy to get in on his side. once he did, he immediately started the engine and started driving back to the set where he had to continue shooting and where you knew sarah would be waiting for you.

it was after many different topics and finally arriving outside the set did you decide to get a little emotional. "hey, i just wanna say thanks for today. i thought i was gonna spend the day alone watching netflix all day like some loser but you made this day really enjoyable. you have no idea how much this really means to me, thank you so much jeremy. i love you." you pouted at him, trying not to cry. "aw kiddo, of course. you're an important person to me. couldn't let you be a loser on your special day," he teases, bringing you into a hug where he didn't miss his chance to ruffle your hair.

once you let go, he kept an arm around your shoulder as you both walked in. he opened the door for you both and you almost jumped in place.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

your jaw dropped at the sight in front you. every single one of your co-stars, along with some crew members were wearing party hats holding up a banner that said 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Y/N'. sarah was in the middle, holding a huge birthday cake with a smile on her face. you slowly walked towards her, hand over your mouth in shock.

sarah gave the cake over to robert before opening her arms up for you. you gave her a tight hug. "you didn't have to do all this," you say, letting go of her. "jeremy and i planned this right when your mother called beforehand and told me they couldn't come in time." she explained.

you turned to jeremy who had been standing next to you the whole time, giving him another hug which he happily accepted. "you guys didn't have to." you told them, trying not to cry at the thought that these people loved you enough to do this for you.

"but we wanted to. and the rest wanted to join in too. now before you start bawling your eyes out, let's get this party started!" he cheered.

"but before that, make a wish, kiddo." robert tells you after evans finished lighting up all the candles. you closed your eyes, making a wish and blowing them all out. everyone cheered before walking away to grab food or to talk to others. or in your cast mates' cases, fighting over who gets to give you your present first.

"you knew it was my birthday!" you exclaimed when you locked eyes with evans, who was in the middle of a brawl with both mackie and robert. he laughed out loud. "yeah! i did! your lie couldn't fool me, child!" he says dramatically, before being pushed aside by robert.

you laughed as they continued to fight right in front of you about who you love more and therefore getting to be first to give you their gift. they even managed to slip in a few compliments about your new hair, while they were literally fighting. you watched in glee, realising that even if your biological family couldn't make it for your special day, you still had a second one to make it special.

taglist <3

@amourtentiaa @rqmanoff @abitofeverythinggg @andreasworlsboring101 @cay-writes-fan-fiction514 @teenwonder @sevenmorningstars @fleurlovesbucky

[burstingsunrise]

Hiya molls! I realized in the tags of my reblog of in the in between (omg I never remember fic titles but I KNEW that one wow it's cuz I love that title) ANYWAYS It occurred to me that I haven't publicly declared my love for you or cyberbullied you in a while. So here I am!!! I have a couple of things. Number one is that I bought a water bottle today that is The most violently vibrant shade of violet and it makes me think of you. Number two is that I think in the in between felt so real precisely because it had no plot the way most other fics do; real life doesn't have arc plots. Real life is linear. Outta sight, outta mind. And that's what you wrote so perfectly. Lately I've been thinking about the existence of other timelines where I've probably said batshit things in public and been all around more unhinged. Is it possible for me to have gotten where I am, which is where I want to be (I think) and have been a little crazier? I'll never know. Have you ever felt like you're right where you're supposed to be?

ahhhh adri @cringeycal i have missed getting asks like this from you in the middle of the night. i know you've been very busy with stars and a normal sleep schedule so u know...sometimes you have to sacrifice anon asks.

when i first read about your violently violet (nail polish name) water bottle i interpreted it as the water being violet and i had a lot of questions, but now that i've sorted it out i'm very glad you think of me every time you hydrate.

i'm very happy you like the title of in the in between bc i'm terrible with titles. that doc had so many working titles and none of them felt right. that's normal, though, i almost never feel like my fic titles are right and i just have to live with it. but then i was listening to wfttwtaf for approximately the millionth time and that little tidbit of baby blue jumped out at me. i'll pass your compliments along to luke; i'm sure he'll appreciate it since he knows you're a hard sell.

you are a very perceptive person so it is no great surprise that you make a fantastic point about plot. real life doesn't have a plot. stuff happens, and it's never really clear exactly where it starts and ends; sometimes it never does. there's usually no grand climax or resolution, and if there is, you only really realize it in hindsight, not in the moment.

this is probably one of several reasons that as both a consumer and a creator i tend to favor characters and relationships in stories over plot, but i have never really thought about it so directly in this specific way before, so thank you for that.

interesting thoughts on alternate realities and it's like, way too early for me to make sense on the topic, but yeah it's sort of crazy to think about. we've all had these moments where we really WANT to do or say something but we don't for one reason or another, and how might things be different if you'd done the thing?

you probably would've either been emboldened to do the thing (or other similar things) again, or had a bad enough consequence that you never wanted to try anything like it again out of anxiety or fear. and in either case, that winds up creating a different version of you than the one that actually exists, just based on that outcome! sort of insane.

but i like this framing of it as being right where you're supposed to be. because even though i clearly have things i could work on as a human, there are definitely times i think...wow, life is very strange and i never would have guessed i'd be in this specific situation but it's exactly as it should be.

a relevant example: answering this ask from you.

a year ago i was here, reblogging stuff quietly and not interacting with anyone, only starting to consider the possibility of maybe writing a fic, obsessing over fics from people like meg and jess and not having anyone to talk to about any of it.

but look at how things are different now! jess actively bullies me! i've met people like you who i love and can talk to about the thing i love and more! the fact that i've had meg to talk to these past couple of months with all the luke solo stuff is all the evidence i need that i'm right where i'm supposed to be at least in one specific way.

as i say that i realize i sound absolutely unhinged framing, like, big life questions around a blonde guy with an album but i figure it all counts in one way or another. because even if i weren't here i'd still be insane about it, now i just get to be insane with other people.

well that was certainly a way to start the day.

i love you adri thank you for forcing me to address existential questions at 7am. :wrymouth:

[kidmachinate]

The Void

Meet Exdeath. Exdeath has an unnatural obsession with "the void". Everything revolves around it. But nothing truly takes place there. You're removed from the real world. It's scary, right? I get it. I've spent a lot of time there myself. At some point however, we need to escape the void. That said, the void is ever existing. You can fall back in and then time stands still again. If you're lucky, maybe it will activate time travel for you. I wouldn't count on it though.

When I start beating myself up over various choices and decisions, I am spending time in the void. I can choose to hear it all out, good and bad, and release it, or hold onto it for a extended period of time. Maybe I should binge Netflix the whole day. Now, people do this, sure. But all day, every day? Not really healthy. I've done it with gaming in the past. There was some good to come from it, but sometimes it legit took over. Diablo II until hours before school isn't great. Now whether school was worth it or not is a whole other conversation. Let's assume it is. A few hours of sleep doesn't help. May even make you fall behind in classes. Fall asleep in Math class. Not be able to focus on taking notes. No regrets, I guess but I probably could have used the extra sleep. Would have been a less stressful period of whether or not I graduate during my last year of high school.

What if I can't escape the void? The pull is too strong. I can seek out friends, family, therapy, etc. Or...I can go outside. To the crazy outside. With all the people. Alright...maybe not so much of that. That was another problem though. I've had points in time where I avoided the outside and my friends as well. I'm sorry.

There's been times like this in recent years as well due to some of the same things mentioned above and work troubles. Things can't be happy all the time though. So, if I must visit darkness (my old friend), it is only for a visit. I'll dip my toes in it. I'll dance through the danger and get back out quicker than ever. That's how winning is done.

Nobody has a 100% win rate...but you can have a 100% lose rate much easier...unless you choose to change it. All the help and money in the world won't fix you unless you want to fix you. Or...you can hope or pray for the best in the void. If you must, better to do it with someone else. Just make sure at that point you aren't both stuck there. That's just rude.

Be a decent human because we're all better off together than divided. End of post before we make the all too easy political comparison.

Also, know that if this resonates with you in some way, I too most likely, upon the scheduled time of this post, will need to escape the void.

[heck-im-lost]

A beautiful Christmas

Genre: just pure fluff

Pairings: romantic logince, platonic LAMP

Word Count: 1859

Warnings: slight self doubt about presents being good enough but nothing serious, cursing

Notes: this is for the @darknightvirgil 's Christmas exchange: I had @adultmorelikeadolt so enjoy my friend!!!

also, how do you title haha. this was a direct stream of consciousness so I have no clue how good/bad this actually is because it just seemed so good in my head...

and on AO3:

Taglist: @creativity-killed-thekitten

Logan stared blankly at his computer screen. He knew that he had been working too hard for too long without a break, but the next video still wasn't close to being ready and he couldn't let the fans down again. They had had to wait so long for the last video and he could not let it happen once more. He wanted to go down and see them all, but he just had so much left to do.

Roman had repeatedly told him to take care of himself more. And Logan knew that he was letting his boyfriend down, and pushing him away, but he had to get this finished goddamn it.

There was a knock at the door.

"Uh, yes. Come in."

Roman burst dramatically into the room.

"Hello, my one true love! I have come to drag you out of this dungeon! You are under arrest for overworking yourself and not seeing your boyfriend! We're going Christmas shopping, specs! Get yourself presentable and then get yourself outta here!"

"Uh, well Roman, I should really finish this off before going out anywhere. It's not that I don’t want to be with you, not at all my dearest. But this is important and there will be time for trivialities after I have got this done. I promise."

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice on this one, Specs! Christmas is in only a few days and then it will be over, the fans can wait on this one. And anyway, I want to spend Christmas with you, not have you in here by yourself. Take a break, Nerd!"

"But- I-" Logan looked down at his work and sighed. "Alright then. I was rather missing you anyhow."

Roman held out his hand and Logan took it, allowing himself to be pulled up into Roman's arms.

"I love you, gorgeous." He whispered into Logan's ear, rubbing his boyfriend's back gently.

"I love you too. I'm sorry-"

"It's okay, let’s go."

~

Roman had constructed a shopping mall in the mindscape many Christmases ago to buy gifts, at first it was undeveloped; the shop keepers has empty faces and the shops felt floaty, like in an old memory that you couldn't quite remember if it was real or a dream. But as Thomas grew older Roman had more references to go from and was more accomplished at imagining things into existence. An amalgamation of the best bits of every mall Thomas had ever been to, the mall was now so well built that it felt as real to the sides as standing in Thomas's own living room. And every year at Christmas he would put Christmas decorations everywhere, and they would go Christmas shopping together.

~

Roman excitedly led Logan to the entrance to the mall, where Patton and Virgil were eagerly waiting. Well, maybe it was just Patton who was looking eager, but this was the first time Virgil had come along himself, without thinking that he was unwanted and having to be persuaded to come, so it would do.

"Okay kiddos! We'll split up now, and then all meet in the cafe again in a couple of hours, does that sound okay?" Patton was jumping up and down with excitement. "Oh, I just love getting people gifts! I'm super duperly looking forward to this!!!!!!!!!!"

"Okay, well I'll go with Roman, and you and Logan can go around together. Let's go." Virgil looked expectantly at Roman, who nodded slightly.

"Logan!!! Let's go kiddo! See you all later!!!"

Logan smiled one last time at his boyfriend before he was whisked away by Patton.

"Why did you want to come with me, Charlie Frown?" Roman may have been insulting him, but the kind smile on his face let the anxious side know that there were no hard feelings.

"Welp I didn't get much sleep last night and I knew that if I went with Logan he'd just lecture on about healthy sleep schedules and healthy caffeine intakes and it would just be rubbish. And you aren't that bad." Virgil gave a quick smirk at Roman. "Come on, I want to go get Patton some stuffed toys."

~

"Oh God Patton, what am I going to get him? He has been so incredible to me and none of this seems good enough! I can't just get him a lacklustre gift that he will look at once and then put on a shelf and forget about! I need to get him something that will show how much he means to me! But-" Logan frantically paced up and down, his speed almost matching that of his racing thoughts.

"Calm down, it's okay kiddo! Everything is okay! You don't have to get him the perfect gift, there might not be anything that shows just how much you love him, as love is so much more than things you can buy. It doesn't matter though, just get him something that shows how much you care about him. Something that shows you were thinking of him. That’s all."

"I suppose it would be stupid to attempt to convey such an abstract, intense feeling as love in simple material items. I will just get him something that I know he will like. Come on Patton! I have an idea."

~

“Oh, Virgil what am I going to do what am I going to get him? I love him so much but this time it feels like no gift, nothing I could do would show him how much I care about him. I am one for romantic gestures, you know me, but nothing I could get him would be enough for what he deserves! I have to get him something, but- “

"Dude it's okay! That guy is so in love with you you could get him one shoe for Christmas and it would become his favourite thing and would go on his special things from Roman shelf. We both know he has one. You don't have to stress out about this - it's my job to stress out about things. Just get him something that shows that you are thinking about him - all he really needs for Christmas is you."

"Virgil?"

"Yeah?"

"Virgil the emo who lives in an angst cave where it is always Halloween?"

Virgil sighed.

"Yeah?"

"Did you just reference Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'?"

"I hate to say I did. But I knew I needed something dumb and Christmassy to get to you. And anyway, I've got all of my gifts for the others, let's finish up getting yours before we have to meet up with the others, okay?"

"Okay, my dark and stormy knight. And thanks, I've just had the best idea of what to get my special Nerd!"

~

As he and Patton made their way into the cafe, Logan hoped that the ridiculous shape of the long, narrow box he was carrying wouldn't give away what it was. But when he saw Roman and Virgil, already sitting at the table next to their curious pile of bags and boxes of equally strange sizes, his worries left him. His boyfriend looked amazing. And it looked like Virgil was somehow already on his third cup of coffee.

"Are we late?" Roman spotted Logan looking nervously at Virgil’s coffee mugs

"No Virgil just decided to order three cups at once to avoid having to queue again. Anyway, how did it go, my beloved? Was it worth coming out?"

"OF THE CLOSET!" Patton burst out, laughing as he sat down next to Virgil.

"It went very well, Roman, my love. I have got everything I needed, and- well- I am glad to be back here with you." Logan felt himself blush and smiled, thinking of spending time with Roman: his work forgotten.

"I am too, my shining star."

~

It was Christmas day and Patton had woken them all up at exactly the time he was allowed to. (After one year when Patton had woken them all up at 4:30 in the morning because he was awake and excited and wanted to open his presents as soon as possible, they had enforced a strict "no waking people up before 8:30 on Christmas day" policy.)

Patton handed Virgil a cup of coffee, Logan a cup of tea, Roman a cup of peppermint tea, and excitedly led them all to the living room, where the presents were piled under the tree.

"IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!!"

"Yes Patton, and we are very tired so please don't yell in my ear." Logan took a long sip of his tea, and looked across at Patton who was bouncing up and down like a child. "Right then Patton do you want to go first?"

Patton excitedly grabbed a package - it was from Roman. He hurriedly tore at the paper, until out came a Winnie the pooh plushie.

"Oh my God Roman I love it! Aaaaaagh thank you!!!!!" Patton was positively bouncing.

"Squeeze the paw Patton."

The Winnie the pooh song started playing.

"Aaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!! It's perfect!!!!!!!"

And they continued like that, taking it in turns to open presents until there were just two left under the tree.

"Logan, for you, my precious."

"Way to sound like Gollum" Virgil muttered, and Roman shot a glare in return.

Logan slowly unwrapped the present, the last and biggest present from his boyfriend. He methodically cut each piece of tape, to reveal-

"A telescope! Wow Roman- I- Thank you so much I have always wanted to look at the stars outside my window properly."

"I just imagined you looking through the telescope and explaining to me the constellations. It would be so romantic and I know you would have lots to tell as you always wanted Thomas to be an astronomer."

"I would love that Roman! Now, here you go, and be careful with it." He handed Roman the long package.

"I have been so curious about what this could be!!" He started to unwrap the meticulously wrapped present.

"It could be a pogo stick." Virgil remarked.

"Or a tube of jelly beans. You know how you can get the long tubes and they are full of jelly beans and they-"

"We know them, Patton.” Virgil smiled fondly at Patton. “It could be a long thin hat."

"It could be a broomstick. I don’t know why Logan would get him a broomstick but it could be."

Roman finally rolled the box out of the wrapping paper. He gasped.

"I thought you said it was too dangerous!"

"Well I know how much you enjoyed it so..."

"What is it? What is it?" Patton leant over to get a closer look.

"My wonderful, amazing, perfect boyfriend who I love has gotten me a new KATANA!!!"

"And this one is weighted so it is actually statistically easier to use and will result in less chance of you getting injured, whilst being more effective in battle. I made sure to do quite a lot of research before buying to ensure I got the right one, so I hope it is satisfactory."

Roman grinned.

"It is more than satisfactory, Nerd. I love you so much, did you know that?"

[kittykatinabag]

Just realized something that's been tossing around in my mind for a bit.

Working in the present day doesn't allow you to enjoy your role.

Now I'm going to be mostly talking about non-retail/food service jobs here because that's most of my job experience as a privileged af (mostly)cis white woman. Rest assured, I've done the food service grind before and suffered for an entire summer where I threw most of my money away to gas so I've been there its just been a long time.

The overwhelming culture of most white-collar jobs (in America but maybe other places too) is that each position is just a stepping stone to a new position/title/responsibilities ect. Once you've done the training and initial experience in the role, every check in conversation with your manager is "where do you want to be by [insert time frame here]?"

So like any reasonable person you do a little internal monologuing and figure out the few parts of your job that you enjoy, or at least don't entirely hate. But the thing that most people don't tell you is that one, those wishes will most likely be ignored unless they're like managing people, and two, it becomes an experience where when you name the things you enjoy, even good managers will just push you towards more responsibility even if that's not the thing you want.

Using my experiences as an example: The parts about my previous jobs in the remediation industry I could at least tolerate were field work with a clear plan, ideally if there was some variety in the tasks but as long as the tasks were clear and I wasn't jerked around last minute by bad project managers I could at least deal with most of the downsides that came with the work. It helped my sleep schedule a lot, but it was pretty exhausting when I was still swimming in unmedicated depression and weird physical energy issues which turned out to probably be vitamin deficiencies (and general lack of in-shapeness but the out of shapeness was present way before any energy issues really cropped up). I knew what I needed to do, and at my old old company I was given more than enough time to do it. (By the time I was at my old company I had enough confidence to just rebuke the project managers. I don't think I was very popular lmao).

But even with my amazing first manager at my old old company, every meeting about future plans ultimately circled back to "lets aim for assistant project manager" even though I absolutely fucking hate project management. Even though we had technical experts at different levels in the company, it seemed like the pathway for internal hires was always pointed towards management. It felt like I was being dragged towards a precipice that I knew I didn't want to climb.

Every time I expressed satisfaction with what I was doing, a month or two later things would change and I wouldn't be doing those things anymore. Sure some were just projects ending. But other projects continued on. At some point you start questioning your competency, but every time you ask for feedback you get glowing reviews. Satisfaction in your current role never seemed to exist. It was always aim higher, do more, be responsible for more.

On a more meta level, the American work culture (and to some extents personal culture) doesn't seem to understand that people aren't always looking for the next bigger, better thing.

Yes, I want to improve. But I always want to enjoy my happiness when I have it. Live in the present and all that. One of the biggest things I've learned over the past two or so years is the feeling of joy in the present moment. Letting things sit for awhile.

I've never been encouraged to enjoy any of my successes for more than a moment. Its always "what are we doing next?" before I even had a chance to think about it. I don't want to go perpetually into infinity. Its discouraging to always be looking up at the walls and mountains that need to be climbed. Let me look at the view.