#I've been living off of kebabs and pizza the entire week and I will be living off of that until school is over too hhhh

[lifewithoutmeds]

august 13, 2023

sunday, august 13, 9:34 a.m.

it's been a relatively good week, that is, significantly better than i'd been feeling for some months. i was very productive all week, definitely more productive than i'd been in the last several weeks, but also just probably as productive or more productive than i'd ever been. i worked through some lunches and usually stayed a bit after to wrap up things and make sure things were getting completed. i was very on top of it. wednesday at work i barely had a chance to breathe, much less take my two break/walks, but i did get a lunch break where i had my favorite indian curry/rice lunch.

so yhea, nothing particularly eventful monday - friday. just worked, and as soon as work would be done i'd go lay down and stare at my phone. friday after work i was pretty bored and in need of something different, so i met up with lorena at tony's and we went to pizzanista, had a big slice of delicious pepperoni pizza, then to tony's for a couple beers and some ping pong, which was pretty fun. then we went our separate ways, but it was nice seeing her, and definitely nice just getting out. it felt good to sort of reward myself for a week's worth of productivity and staying at home and not spending money, etc.

saturday i didn't too much. had some coffee, looked at a lease for like 30 minutes, then met up my mom at 1pm to go look at a few open houses, condos nearby, none of which were fantastic, then we went to Bravo Cafe and got some kebab lunch plates which were quite good. she seemed glad to see me and seemed like she was having a good time and was grateful that i'd gone to see the condos with her. i guess she feels like she is seen and treated a bit differently, like we look more like serious buyers together but she gets treated like she just kind of wandered off the street and popped in.

at 6 i met up with grace to walk the rose bowl for the first time in YEARS. it was really great to be back there, like old times, and just walking and talking and working up a sweat. afterward we went to a local home state in pasadena where she got a few tacos and some tequila, while i was nursing a stomachache so just stuck to tequila-based drinks and an arnold palmer. again, it was nice hanging out, and just sharing our updates on life and feelings, etc. i went home feeling very satisfied.

today i got up around 6:30/7 and finally got off my stupid phone and went for a 47 minute walk while listening to The Read and caught myself kinda smiling a few times during their commentary. i then came home and took a FULL SHOWER, including the washing of my hair which i had neglected for possibly an entire week. i did take a quick rinse maybe yesterday or the day before but i hadn't been washing my hair, so today was a bit of a big deal.

today i'm meeting up with amy after she's done with church, about noonish, and we're supposed to go walking at this somewhat shady nature walk near JPL that i'd been to a few times before. then possibly eating, although if we finish walking around 2, i don't know what that would make it. a very early dinner? a late lunch? the tail end of brunch? i guess it doesn't matter particularly, but i have to sort of time if i have any breakfast so i don't get another stomachache from eating too much too soon.

i'm genuinely surprised at how much better i'm feeling this week than i have in weeks prior. it's genuinely shocking. today, one week ago, i was in bed, unable to move, just staring at my phone, reading weird true-crime stories off of facebook, and taking a total of 300 steps or so the entire day. i've already walked over 5,000 steps today and will definitely be adding at least 5,000 more after my walk today with amy. i feel like cleaning and sorting out my living environment. i fried some fish a few days ago and it still faintly smells like fish and it would be nice to get rid of that smell. mental health is a bizarre thing. i was completely convinced that i might never ever feel better, that i'd just feel like dying until the day i died, but i'm feeling just these gentle stirrings of .... life almost? i still don't really want to do anything, still can't think of things i'd actually like to do or have any real hopes or dreams or aspirations, but i feel okay about living today, which is HUUUUGE.

anyway, must remember that i can feel this way. that this is possible. this is again, just such a departure from how i was feeling even just one week ago. i can't believe a change could be this dramatic in such a short period.

hoping i can ride this bout of hopefulness for some time.