#I'm totally not deathly combining them

[loppy-darii]

I already combined Undertale Yellow with Warrior cats.

So now it's time for me to combine it with one of my semi-niche interests!

Y

Yeah it's digimon.

[liquidpaperdraws]

@lawlightweek2024 day 7: AU

!! I do not support JKR, which is why I enjoy Harry Potter exclusively through fan content and other means that don't put any more money in her pockets !!

That being said, this idea has been kicking around in the back of my head for months.

I'm honestly surprised almost nobody has done this crossover. I looked it up and there's maybe 7 or 8 fanfics and 12 pieces of fanart on all of tumblr, deviantart, fanfiction.net, and ao3 in total that combine Death Note and Harry Potter. It seems like it should be a more popular AU considering the overlap in time period and target demographic.

Alright, now here are some headcanons:

Light:

5th year

Was supposed to go to Slytherin, but convinced the sorting hat to put him in Gryffindor instead (that's where his father went, after all)

Gryffindor's token Evil Friend™

Wants to eliminate the death eaters and all dark wizards by any means necessary (as well as anyone who looks at him funny)

Is against unforgivable curses except when he uses them, because he totally has good reasons you guys

Nearly was able to get all three deathly hallows for himself

Avada kedavra avada kedavra avada kedavra

Good at persuasion, memory charms, and making polyjuice potion

Keeps killing so many others who are also trying to fight Voldemort for not being willing to murder as much as he is

Created the Death Note himself so he wouldn't have to keep spamming avada kedavra

L:

7th year

The sorting hat had a hard time deciding, but eventually picked Ravenclaw

He was disappointed (he wanted to be in Hufflepuff for the snacks)

Master of mind-reading, invisibility, divination

Possible werewolf

kept breaking the dress code by "forgetting" his socks, sweater, and shoes so he mastered illusion spells solely for the purpose of cloaking it look like he was wearing the uniform correctly and not getting in trouble

frequently uses duplication charms on cake so he can eat more of it without eating more calories

Doesn't talk to anyone but somehow knows all their secrets (he was spying on them using an invisibility cloak, crystal ball, etc)

His parents are unknown and dead so nobody knows how to be blood-racist to him

Lawlight:

L and Light constantly try to one up each other at wizard chess supposedly to show their superiority but really it's to impress each other

L got his hands on an invisibility cloak so he could follow Light around and spy on him but Light used the marauders map to figure out that L was following him

they won't admit their feelings for each other

Light started dating Misa (Hufflepuff) to beat the gay allegations but she realized what he was doing and decided to slip him a love potion to force him to love her back. L was the only person who noticed and begrudgingly decided to help Light by reporting her. Light confessed his feelings for L after that.

[misc-obeyme]

CC do you think Barbatos is deathly obsessed with anything? Not the obvious stuff like tea or baking, but something silly that only the closest to him know about.

I have this thought because I've been listening to the Hamilton soundtrack all day long and I.LOVE.HAMILTON. I have all the merch, I have the vinyls, I watch it like every other day, etc... and I was like "Barbatos would totally have Hamilton memorized because I'd play it all day long." And then I was like "woah wait, what is Barbatos' Hamilton?"

So yeah I don't have any thoughts so I'm asking for yours bdosndkwnrk2

I have so many ideas about this all of a sudden lol.

At first I thought it'd be cute if he was really obsessed with a cozy mystery series. Like one that takes place in a bakery (there are a lot of those... I love them myself lol). I think he'd appreciate the inclusion of food references, but the main story is this dramatic murder mystery where some uniquely unqualified individual gets sucked in and has to solve it to save their brother's best friend's dog groomer from going to prison!

But then I was like, okay but he would really like dramatic and over-the-top kinda stories and characters because that's so different from how he is, right? So maybe he'd get obsessed with a romance series... and then I was like NO WAIT soap opera... or telenovela!! Like he was in the human world once and ended up watching one 'cause it was on and got so incredibly hooked.

AND THEN that led me into K-dramas 'cause I could just see him watching some of those cute romance K-dramas and getting all teary over them... and THEN I was like hang on. Barb would love K-pop I don't care what anybody says.

THOUGH that does remind me that we have the fact that Barbatos likes heavy metal in canon! So maybe he has a specific Devildom heavy metal band that he's obsessed with. Buys all their merch, goes to all their shows, keeps it all behind a special door in his room that no one knows about because his shrine to heavy metal is a SECRET to all!

MC knows they've fully gained his trust when he shows them his secret heavy metal shrine lkadsfkjlfjkf.

Anyway, people can have more than one obsession, I know I certainly do. So maybe it's a combination of these things! Or perhaps you'll think of other things that you think he'd like!

But personally, I just think it'd be really cute if he got super obsessed with something totally random from the human world. Like now I keep imagining Barb as a BTS stan lolol.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

One very queer post to remind my fellow buddie truthers that patience is virtue...

Never forget that the show clearly called us clowns and crows...

And neither of those is an insult.

If you haven't, I recommend you read up on the history of clowns. Do you know where they evolved from?

Fools... What are fools, in story-telling?

They have always been the breakers of taboos, the ones who dare speak up and illuminate the truth.

That's repeatedly been the role of the "fool" in literature and theatre.

And remember the scene with these modern versions of fools, clowns, in 4x06? Bobby tells Eddie and Buck to be professionals!

...Much like when he has to cut off Buck from flirting with the tapework guy... In season one. The tapeworm guy? It's basically a scene of Buck being blatantly bisexual, totally flirting with a man... And Bobby going: Be a professional Buck, finish this conversation later!

And then that clown scene later on... There's a clown trapped under some (obviously quite phallic) helium tanks, and Bobby yelling about needing to "release the pressure"?

It's a parallel. Go rewatch Eddie's and Buck's first emergency together. They need to release the pressure to save that patient.

And the name of that first episode Eddie appears in? Under pressure. That's also in the season 2 promo, the first season with Eddie. And the songs in those promos... Under pressure by the Queen and David Bowie. And a version of Nowhere to run by Martha Reeves and The Vandellas. It's a love song, about a persistent, devastating love. Fitting for a slow-burn.

Also...

Eddie: "You're a badass under pressure, brother.

Buck: Me?

Eddie: Hell yeah. You can have my back any day.

Buck: "Yeah. Or you know... You could... You could have mine.

....

Then that emergency with the grenade when they first meet...

Everyone originally assumes it's not live. Oh but turns out, it very much is a live grenade, isn't it? We see it exploding. What's a grenade, going off?

Well, it's basically deathly amounts of pressure. Grenades injure and kill from a distance, the blast, the pressure is so powerful.

So the clowns watch that scene, watch Bobby urging Buck and Eddie to release the pressure... They look at Buck and Eddie working together...

And the clowns make their opinion known.

A clown starts choking, and coughs up rainbow colored string. That's the unsaid truth which this fool says out loud to the audience.

"This story is queer. I'm telling you, there are rainbows. I'm choking on them here!"

The combination of clowns, pressure, grenades... Again... Makes me think of the Batman movie Dark Knight, especially the clever bank robbery heist which

Joker - A famous fool type character, also related to fools and clowns... plans.

Btw, some of you may have noticed that I keep rambling about the Joker, and Dark Knight. Why? Because THAT MOVIE IS A CAPRICORN OF QUEERNESS!!!

And there's that clown theme which obviously comes up in 9-1-1, too. The clowns are the queer audience, it's quite clear. That clown scene was written as commentary, to us, freaking out about the queerness of buddie.

In The Dark Knight... Remember that whole conflict of the two freaks, a Batman and a Joker?

It's a battle against conformity. Diverting from the norm. Joker spends the entire movie trying to make Batman see and own his freakiness.

Honestly I think that we queers should worship that movie, it's a tale of us, the outcasts, the freaks, us against the world.

Because we are the clowns, the fools, the freaks that people fear. Who are always told to shut up, and hide. The ones who have always been the outlaws running from the police, still are. Who nobody believes, when we see our kind.

That bank heist in that movie, which the ultimate clown, fool, Joker, organizes?

They enter the bank dressed up as clowns. The Joker is among them, a twofold fool, a jester wearing a clown mask, his true identity unknown to the other clowns.

The bank robbery heist btw includes lots of stuff which make me go "is this intertextuality?, was 9-1-1 inspired by this?", because they remind me of memorable buddie scenes. A failed phone-call ("I couldn't even call you to bail me out of jail!"),

the bank vault with electricity ("What more proof do you need, Eddie! We are trapped in a death box, thousands of volts of electricity...")

the clowns, the queers, hiding from detection, from the gunfire,

then clowns, destroying each other, one by one.

A clown getting hurt because he's an idiot who cannot really count (Buck, Eddie, the embarrassing struggle to get to "bi"?),

This one clown who thinks it's his time to spring out of the box and stop waiting. This shotgun has no ammo...

and the Joker nods, which convinces the dumb math challenged clown that the bank manager's shotgun has no more bullets...

Here's another deathly nod from our favorite fool...

This backfires quickly, the math challenged clown who thinks the gun wasn't "live"... Dies.

A fool just fooled a fool. A third fool cries out in dismay.

In the end... it's the patient fool here who ends up outsmarting the manager, and winning the battle.

Clowns are clever. We see under the surface, we voice the truth, but also, sometimes we lie to save ourself. That's what being an outlaw, an outcast is.

The Joker bides his time, is smart about it, and when the right moment arrives... he does not hesitate. He robs that bank, proves himself to be the smart one. The ultimate fool. The cleverest clown.

So remember the history of us clowns. We are silly, scary, strange, queer, the annoying ones who won't shut up.

And we are the fools. And fools are the truth seers. Tellers. We aren't dumb, we are clever.

That's how the story goes. Ultimately the fools always realise and tell the truth. We clowns, like the Joker... We saw the potential for "aggressive expansion" in buddie. We were there from the start, we looked at that lurking grenade, and thought... I'm seeing something here. And they will keep laughing at us clowns... But they'll learn when it goes off. I do think it's a live one, darlings.

So, how does the heist and the movie end?

Joker survives the danger, ducks the gunfire... And leaves the manager alive.

He also leaves an impression that will forever change that survivor. The Joker sticks a grenade in his mouth. It doesn't kill him, but that grenade is live, it releases a strange, queer gas.

The Joker gently tells the manager that whatever doesn't kill you... Makes you stranger.

Then... The way the Joker spends the entire movie urging Batman to hit him, to kill him... He challenges Batman to make him realise that they are really the same. That they are both freaks, outsiders... Birds of a feather. Batman needs to stop pretending that he isn't a freak.

It's like Buck and Eddie. Take a swing at me.

Wanna go for the title?

And in the end, they both survive this (really quite queer-coded) stand-off. They prove each other wrong.

Joker finds that he's wrong, that Batman cannot bear to kill him. And Batman admits defeat.

He becomes an outlaw, too. He takes the blame for the chaos, falls out of favor. The bat signal is smashed. Batman knows he'll be hunted... but he can take it.

"...Because sometimes... the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded..."

And that's why Buck and Eddie, "Buddie" has really never been a tale of two buddies.

The "truth" is a lie. The fools have always seen it.

And so the Joker, the fool, the clown, actually... wins this battle. He is captured but creates another freak by turning Harvey Dent into the Two-Face.

He makes Batman realise who he really is, an outcast. Batman goes into hiding. But Batman creates another freak, Robin.

It's a lesson. Some of us freaks argue for chaos, some will argue for order. But to others we are still the strange ones. Outsiders, outlaws. Queers. Listen to the fool and realize it, own it. See that we are the same.

And they will hunt us, but the circus grows stronger. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stranger.

Oh, and the crows I mentioned in the beginning? Well, they called the crows buddies, and told the audience that the crows always remember their tormentors, didn't they.

Do you think they're waiting for these boys to come out, the show asks?

Of course we were, are. And we've got one now. Waiting for another.

After all, sometimes the fool needs to wait and have patience to see the vision materialize. Doesn't mean the fool was wrong. In the end, the crows will feast.

Crows are smart. And the clowns see the hidden truth.

[innytoes]

53 + 54: I am so totally chill right now but at the next inconvenience I will start biting people

sounds very Alex. Alex in harem au please?

Okay, so maybe Alex was regretting asking to be Caleb's arm candy for this event. Just a little. All the camera flashes on the red carpet had given him a headache, and he'd tried to remember to smile and not grimace at the light. Maybe he could turn it into more of a smize.

The inside of the event was packed, and the combined noise of people talking and music coming from somewhere deeper in the venue was just awful, bouncing off the marble.

He clung to Caleb's arm, trying to remember why they were here. This was a big fundraiser for a queer youth program. He was here to help kids like him. And also look hot and a little slutty as a fuck you to his parents, who had started up their harassment again around his birthday. Willie had done his make-up, and he was wearing a pink suit with a sheer shirt underneath, a deep V neck that showed off the hickeys Luke had left there the night before.

"How are you doing, darling?" Caleb asked in his ear.

"I'm good," he said. "Totally chill."

"Let's go find our seats," Caleb said, leading him through the crowd, but of course, they kept running into people who wanted to talk to Caleb. Some of them were cool, like theatre directors or choreographers from shows Caleb had taken him to. Some were boring business people. And the worst ones had arm candy of their own who tried to either neg Alex or in one case, were a very lovely but very misinformed young lady who assumed he was also, ah, working.

Listen, he knew what it looked like, okay? But he really cared about Caleb. They all did. Sure, living at his place was nice, and being spoiled by him was fun, but even if all that stopped, it wasn't like they'd drop Caleb. The thought of the man moving into their shitty little apartment from before they met him made him chuckle, and Caleb turned to him, raising an eyebrow. He shrugged, squeezing his arm. That was maybe a thought he'd keep to himself.

They made it to the bar at least, and Alex asked for a water, and tried not to groan when he got a flute full of fancy sparkling water. He hated the way the carbonation felt, but he hated the idea of correcting the waiter even more.

When they finally found their seats at one of the big round tables, of course their backs were to the stage, so they had to sit turned during the whole showcase slash awards ceremony. Still, they clapped for the community organizers and artists being featured, and then enjoyed the meal.

Or, well, Alex tried to, except they were serving shrimp, which he was deathly allergic to, so he mostly pushed food around his plate as Caleb made apologetic noises and promised to take him out to eat wherever he wanted afterwards. He smiled and shrugged, because it wasn't his fault, and made polite small talk with the other people at the table. Willie had given them all a crash course at Rich Fancy People Parties and how if you just kept asking questions, people generally liked you and left you alone.

After dinner, there was some dancing, and he and Caleb got to spin around the dance floor. Things were finally looking up, except then someone actually cut in and swept Caleb away, and Alex stood there dumbfounded and Caleb made 'what the heck I'm so sorry' eyes over the woman's shoulder. He didn't just want to stand there, so he went to the bar and ordered an apple juice, which they didn't have, then an orange juice.

Of course the orange juice had pulp. Of course it did.

When Caleb found him again, wrapping his arm around him and apologetically kissing his cheek, he tried not to sulk. "I am so sorry, kitten," he said. "But she's a big patron at the Club."

"It's okay," he said, leaning in. He'd recognized the woman, and had realized why Caleb couldn't just brush her off.

"Be honest, how are you feeling?" Caleb asked him, warm hand on Alex' knee.

Alex took a moment to consider, swishing his gross orange juice around. He could just grin and bear it, but honestly, their donation had been made through the tickets, so the charity had already been helped. And he really, really wanted to get out of here. "I am so totally chill right now but at the next inconvenience I will start biting people," he said honestly.

Caleb bit back a laugh, before leaning in to kiss him. "Let's get out of here, then. We'll go somewhere to eat a dinner you can actually have."

"Can we pick up pizza on the way home?" Alex asked. He didn't think he could stand more fancy restaurants right now.

So that's what they did. Of course they picked up enough for the other guys as well, because even if they'd already eaten, Alex knew Luke and Reggie could scarf down a pizza whole at any time and would be sad if there wasn't any for them. And Alex was Not Sharing his.

After dinner (or second dinner for the boys), Caleb put on some music and pulled Alex into his arms, and he finally got to slow dance with his guy. And the only people who cut in were there to dance with both of them.

And the only biting that evening was very consensual.

[whumpitlikeyoumeanit]

Whumpuary 5

Whumpuary prompts should theoretically make up one cohesive narrative, though I'm not currently putting in the effort to flesh out the story around the prompts just yet. I have good intentions to do so eventually. Masterlist. Oh yeah and they're totally out of order, chronologically.

((content warnings: capture, mild Cruciatus torture, mild violence, minor magical bondage ))

promptspiration: @whumpuary 05: Kidnapping

Whumpee: Draco Malfoy Whumper: Bellatrix + Lestranges whump type: capture fic type: Deathly Hallows "Voldemort learns Draco hooked up with Harry" AU

Draco getting caught after a month on the run.

words: ~800

-------------------

Draco glanced up Knockturn Alley warily before he slipped out from between the houses. The street was dead; he could wish for more of a crowd to hide among, but no one wanted to be out any more than they had to these days. 

He had transfigured his hair dark and long and gotten secondhand clothes that didn't quite suit him; even with just that, he certainly didn't look like a Malfoy. When he went out in public, he took extra precautions by taking a sip of a Beautification Potion — not to try to look better, but because they did really strange things to him. When a wizard drank them, they were designed to emphasise classically masculine features, namely a strong square jaw and chin, that he just didn't have, so he ended up looking nothing like himself. Combine that with a little adjustment to his eyebrows and a bit of conjured facial hair and he was completely unrecognisable. 

The hardest thing had been taking off his signet ring; his thumb was still constantly trying to turn it on his finger. But he couldn't have any connection to his family. 

He hurried furtively up the alley; he would have tried to act normal, but that was 'normal' now. He glanced around once more to make sure there was no one obviously watching him before he let himself into Borgin & Burke's. 

He had paid Burke an enormous sum of money to smuggle a message to his mother; he hadn't revealed who he was and had coded and cursed the message to protect it from spies, but he still didn't know for sure that it had reached her. Burke had gotten a message back to him to meet, but he didn't immediately take that as a good thing. Maybe he had a response, but on the other hand, maybe he was going to tell him he couldn't do it after all. Maybe he was going to demand more money for it now that he knew he had him over a barrel.

Or maybe, he realised as he opened the door and saw Burke's eyes flicker nervously to the side of the door, it was a trap. 

He didn't stop to see who it was; he just ran. He heard heavy running steps, and then a fragment of Bellatrix's voice promising she would deal with Burke later. Bellatrix.

He didn't have time to stop and cast a Disillusionment charm, he just ran, fumbling out his wand and trying to focus so he could Disapparate. Find a destination, focus… A red jet of a stunning spell flew over his shoulder, and he ducked toward the space between two buildings, a narrow gap choked with weeds and refuse. He made the mistake of looking over his shoulder as he pushed toward the back alley and saw Rodolphus' face crowding the end of the gap, like he was going to try to squeeze in after him. 

Instead, he thrust his wand in. "Crucio!"

The pain was sudden and overwhelming, worse than he could have imagined. He screamed and collapsed to his knees without really being aware of it.

Someone summoned his clothes and dragged him through the weeds back to the street while the pain was fading. He pushed himself up but Bellatrix stepped on his shoulder to hold him down. Her wand was aimed at his face; his was gone, lost somewhere while he was cursed. 

"Sure it's him?" Rodolphus leaned over beside his wife to look down at him. Rabastan was just coming up to join them, too. 

"Let's find out. Reparifarge." 

He hid his face behind his hands when she waved her wand, but it was a futile gesture; his transfigurations were undone, laying his identity bare. 

"Guess so," Rodolphus chuckled.

"Don't be shy, Draco." She crouched down beside him and grabbed his hair to shake his head, bumping his hands away. "Let's see that pretty face." 

"Let me go," he pleaded, meeting her eyes with earnest desperation. As though he thought the fact that they were family meant anything to her at all. "Let me leave, you'll never see me again. I'll disappear." 

She narrowed her eyes and slammed his head down into the street, and he hissed and clenched his eyes shut. Fuck that hurt. 

"Let's get the traitor back," she said. Her rough hands yanked up Draco's sleeve — he tried to squirm his arm away, but it didn't help — and dug her finger into his Dark Mark. It burned, and her long fingernail drew blood as she pulled away and stood up. 

Rodolphus dragged him to his feet and Body-Bound him when he started struggling so he couldn't fight the side-along Apparition.

[writingwithcolor]

Hi! I have a Jewish, OCD character called Rafael Brooks. My original idea was to have his birth name be Zachary, but changed to Rafael once he was diagnosed to give him additional mazal, then found out this was only done if it was a deathly illness and since OCD is a neurobiological disorder I'm having doubts if I should still go through with it. He's been raised around Reform Judaism, so would this be too disrespectful?

Jewish character with OCD changes name, being respectful to name-changing customs

I gleaned from this, and subsequent googling, that we have a custom about changing someone's name if they're on the verge of death so that the new name will buy them some extra life under the new name. Under this logic, changing someone's name to deal with a chronic but not life-threatening illness wouldn't help because you don't need to "buy extra time." So it's not so much that it's disrespectful as, unrelated? Plus, I'm not sure how common this custom is in Reform circles in the first place.

However. People can choose their names for any reason they want -- trans people can change their names, I've met converts who start using their new Hebrew name in place of their wallet name, and I even know someone who altered their name to distance themselves from a hurtful relative, etc. -- so if Zachary decides that changing his name to Rafael will in some way make him feel better about coping with his disorder, he can do that -- it's just not a literal manifestation of the custom. 

You can throw that in there if you want, spotlighting the discrepancy, something like "Well, I also wanna do this because there's a custom to change your name if you're deathly ill so the new name can buy you some extra time. Obviously this isn't the same thing but for whatever reason I find that symbolism comforting right now." - says character. For example.

--Shira

Thanks Shira, some great points! I also haven't heard of this, after googling I think it's maybe a Chasidic thing? Because it appears on chabad.org (Chabad: Changing a Name), but not in this article from myjewishlearning.com (MJL:  What to Do When A Loved One is Dying) which I think is more pluralist denomination-wise (or not affiliated with a particular Chasidic group anyways).

Just a couple of minor pernickety points in response to Shira's answer: 

rather than buy more time, I got from the article that this is to confuse the angel of death and hopefully make it go away? Nope, no Zachary ben Avraham here... 

I sort of just wanted to add that OCD can be life-threatening - however, I agree that this looks to be more relevant when there is immediate grave danger rather than on the diagnosis of a chronic condition.

Also, I love Shira's examples of why someone might change their name, and I think another example is if he's becoming more religious/starting to connect to his Judaism in a different way. My brother started using his Hebrew name all the time when he came back from yeshiva in Jerusalem. Maybe Raphael was the Hebrew name he was given at his bris and using this name gives him something that he needs to face this challenge: a connection to something bigger than his intrusive thoughts, or a feeling of being a new person who is ready to face his fears, to give a couple of examples. Zachary as his wallet name and Raphael as his Hebrew name is a totally realistic combination - it's not at all a problem that they don't sound the same.

As a final note, you don't mention what your character's main OCD themes are, but if he is taking on more religious practices, you should do a little research into moral/scrupulosity OCD. It occurred to me that switching to a Hebrew name could be read as a compulsion, depending on the nature of his obsessions - I wasn't sure if that was potentially something you were going for or completely at odds with your story.

- Shoshi

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[getmemymicroscope]

One of the truths of reading, I think, is that you start expecting something from an author after you've read a work of theirs (or, at least, I do, because my brain is a total mess). Like, John Grisham means legal thrillers. Agatha Christie means detective stories, usually ending with everyone sitting together in a room as the truths are unveiled. Michael Crichton's works meant sci-fi, with a lot of the 'sci.' And, as such, based on the one book of Neil Gaiman's that I've read thus far (Good Omens) - which, I know, it entirely my own fault for not having read more - I was expecting something 'laugh out loud' funny, because that's how I'd found Good Omens.

This ... well, it wasn't that, especially not at the start. So it took me a while to get into it. But then, when I was into it, I just couldn't stop. There were definitely some instances/lines that did make me audibly chuckle (thank heavens for reading for reading from the comforts of my own couch), but more than that - I just found this a totally enthralling story.

The way Gaiman builds this world, literally right under our feet, is spectacular. His way of describing things - it vaguely reminds me of those memes about how people will measure things with anything except the metric system: his introduction of Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar especially so. It's a fun ride (walk?, jaunt?, stroll?) through the underbelly of a city that I, well, unfortunately, don't entirely recognize; yet, even, then, I feel like I was there with them.

Richard is, in many aspects, a very unheroic hero - I mean, he has some mental strength (see the ordeal) and some sort of respectable moral compass, but he's also deathly afraid of heights, is claustrophobic, desires nothing more than a return to his original, if uneventful, life - and he's not afraid to announce this, multiple times, to anyone that will listen. His entire purpose of being on this journey is to end the journey and be back home. And in a world where so many main characters are 'extravagant' this or 'superhero' that or 'amazing' at everything (and don't get me wrong, I love those stories too), it's nice to find a character that you somewhat relate with in a more "I want an uneventful life" way. He makes the "mistake" (not a mistake) of helping someone, and suddenly his life is much more eventful than he would ever have hoped for.

I really like Door, and I think partially this is because, well before I even know what this story was about, I'd created in my mind a sort of similar character - well, similar only in the sense that they could open doors. It's a completely different concept, really, beyond the opening of doors that are closed for others - but that small bit of similarity sort of made me immediately like Door (aka, I'm glad she didn't somehow turn out to be evil).

My reading quest for this year (this decade? this past decade?) has been totally stunted by medical school/training/work and by my sudden fascination with movies and TV shows that are accessible whenever I want, but books like this make me not only want to read more, but also write more (also stunted, though mostly just by pure lack of motivation).

Like Good Omens, this is a fantastical journey that combines our world with bits of a fantasy-like recreation beyond our world as we know it, but it still feels like a very different type of story (admittedly, I haven't re-read Good Omens in a few years). But what it does do is shine another light on just how great Neil Gaiman's writing, and world-building, is. The characters, the story, the journey from start to end - it is masterful writing.

I'm clearly going to need to read more of his works, and I'm clearly going to need to go in with a fully open mind as to what exactly I'm getting. There have been rumors (more than rumors?) of a sequel - and this book I read, in fact, also has a short return to London Below as we follow the Marquis on a quest to find his coat - and now, having read this, I cannot wait for this sequel. It feels like, with a title like The Seven Sisters, it would be more like a spiritual sequel that brings us back to London Below but not necessarily reintroduces us to Door or Richard (though, of course, I could be very wrong about that) - which would be slightly sad, at least, to not meet them again, but I'm sure Gaiman will quickly squash that sadness with his writing and whatever story he pens for us to read.

What a book. I love most things I read and watch (well, not the "this is gonna be so bad, I should watch it for laughs" watch, but the more serious watches; though, that is definitely being tested by current day nonsense) to the point of rating almost everything as 4-5 stars, but this is easily 5 stars out of 5.

[bettinalevyisdetermined]

So ever since I discovered Neural Blender, I've been obsessed with plugging different combinations of words into it! Yeah, the pictures are abstract and unsettling, but I think there's also something beautiful and uncanny about them. I see it like tarot cards, where they're open to interpretation, but also they're pretty scary accurate, in a way...

For example, here's just Harry Potter by himself, for funsies. Totally looks like a messed up HP poster, maybe with someone trying to Apparate out of there? Maybe it's Harry and Voldy together in Diagon Alley? Who knows? XD

With that all said, I present the new and updated book covers for the Harry Potter series, brought to you by neuralblender.com! XD

Look at that! It practically wrote the name of the book (at least tried to). Maybe that's young Harry down there, and you've got the red Quidditch uniform against the wispy green magic at the top... it's just perfect!

No idea what's going on here, but it definitely looks like a chamber alright. With weird fishy, squid like creatures in it... very creepy, but still feels accurate.

The people's faces are very weird and pinched, but that could be Harry and Sirius. And there look like ghostly Dementors in the back. And it tried again to wrote Azkaban, but failed miserably. XD

Look at that! It made a freaking Goblet of Fire! What more do you want?

From this point on, all the covers look basically the same as each other... but there's something appropriate about that, because if you think about it, the books get darker and more serious after Voldy's return. So it looks like these pictures are dominated by wizard newspapers or something... This cover is awesome because it's all red and gold and fiery, just like Fawkes the phoenix. It actually looks like a bird up top!

Not much to understand here, it just looks like Harry peeking out from behind the paper. Green and purple feel like good colors for the book, though. It's more of a mood or vibe than anything else...

This is just amazing to me, because it's like Neural Blender actually tried to make the Deathly Hallows symbol in the top-left corner! And then it's contrasted by the creepy, ghostly, deathly looking bottom-right corner. That's probably Voldy... Again, red/gold and green are opposed in this cover! The series has come full circle. XD

Just because I could, I put in the unofficial 8th Harry Potter book, and I was very satisfied with this. The original book cover is yellow, this cover is yellow. Looks like it tried to write Cursed Child. Very good job.

And there you have it, folks. The new Neural Blender editions of Harry Potter! I'm sure you'll get different results if you put in the titles yourselves, but I I personally love the pictures I ended up with. ^_^ Maybe I'll experiment with other books in the near future...

[pregstiel]

no one asked however i'm not getting an english degree to not put my knowledge to good use (spnblr).

anyways! brief summary of the relevant information about a doll's house. it's a 19th century play about a married couple: torvald and nora. their relationship is as deeply weird as most relationships were at the time, with their dynamic predicated upon the idea that nora is a weak pretty thing that exists only to entertain torvald, while torvald is the strong protector who takes care of everything. over the course of the play however, it's revealed that this a facade. nora does genuinely believe in torvald's performance for the most part, but many years ago when he was deathly ill, forged a signature to borrow money to pay for his treatment, and has spent the years afterwards secretly paying off this loan, using a combination of the money she makes through discreetly working and through being thrifty spending anything torvald gives her. disaster comes for nora only when the man she borrowed money from, who torvald despises, threatens to reveal to torvald what she did. nora is nearly driven to suicide believing that torvald, if her crime was revealed, would take the blame for it. when torvald learns what she did, however, he instead declares nora to be evil and wants her to take all the blame for her crime, reversing his position only when he learns that the blackmailer is no longer interested in exposing them. this glimpse of who torvald really is, along with the horror of her situation fully impressing itself on nora, leads to her instead deciding to leave torvald rather than stay and remain his doll (hence the play's name).

to put it another way, both stories are about someone who takes drastic (and perhaps morally questionable) action in order to keep someone they're in love with safe, while carefully cultivating an image designed to please said loved one. both do this by striking deals with a person their loved one has associated with and worked with before, but who they now hate, and furthermore, are willing to condemn the person taking action for associating with them at all.

when the truth comes out, rather than the loved one throwing themselves on the sword, as the person who did the action fears (cas literally started dealing with crowley to keep dean away from an angelic war he was sure dean would involve himself in if cas asked), he instead lashes out at the person who did the act, claiming it was unnecessary and has forever tarnished their view of the other person, despite there having been no real feasible alternatives to what happened.

however! where a doll's house roundly condemns torvald for his actions, both for how he lashes out at nora and for how he has treated her throughout their relationship, s6 very bravely asks: what if torvald was right? what if what nora did was super bad, and she totally should have consulted him first? and what if when nora leaves torvald, it's because she's gone crazy and is hurting people, and it's actually better if she stays with and submits to him? and furthermore, what if nora leaving the control of both torvald and the control (by extension) of her family doesn't lead to her discovering who she is? what if instead, the experience leads to her first developing literal amnesia (which must be cured) and then psychologically scarring her (which also must be cured) (both by torvald) (who she has to beg forgiveness from)?

and, as this has been spoken on a lot by others i'll be brief, though it bears repeating, s6 is also told almost entirely from dean's point of view!!! where a doll's house focuses on nora, and lets the audience/reader marinate in her despair and anxiety, exploring her relationship, how she came to the point of making her deal, and how both are affecting her, s6 is instead a version of that play where the focus is entirely on torvald and his mostly normal life, with occasional asides to ask his friends why nora is acting so crazy.

it's just. these parallels have been tormenting me since i noticed them, because just. why would you write a relationship/characters like this, and then give them consequences that a 19th century author refused to give his characters even when being actively censored??????? i cannot fathom gamble's mind.

the thing about s6 is that it is very unintentionally just. what if a doll's house was written from torvald's pov

[luidilovins]

If you've read up to this far congradulations you unlock some of my tragic backstory. As a treat.

I'm going to give some context but in case you haven't noticed:

I fucking hate Doctors.

If you're a doctor reading this post then take it as a chance at humility because you know there's problems inheret in the system. Do fucking better.

I hate doctors more than I hate cops. IMO their sole job is to keep people alive and they allow people to die thru indifference and intolerance which has to have a highnnegative score similar to fucking Joseph Stallin. I hate doctors. I'm cordial. I do my part and wash my hands and listen when they stroke their own dicks. But I don't take shit from them.

I have a family riddled with neumorous medical problems and I mean NEUMOROUS. Just in my immediate family under one roof we have the fancy assortment of: Type 1 bipolar, autism, severe chronic depression, anxiety, hemihyperplasia, hemimegalencephaly, bone spurs, scoliosis, hip dysplasia, congenital heart defects, chrones, allergies, anemia, ovarian cysts, eye dryness, salavatory stones, astigmatism, complex migraines, TIAs, chronic joint swelling, and more. For a limited time offer you can have all that and double my grandparents having sociopathy, hyperthyroidism, schizofrenia, alcoholism and drug abuse, and an entire digestive tract swapped backwards. TWO COUNT EM TWO of my immediate family have an article in the medical journal making up a total of FIVE ARTICLES.

Literally I have been the Carl Wheezer of every friend group until I made two friends with lupis and I had more in common with them then I wish i fucking did.

When I was about 11 my mom got super sick. Like deathly sick. We had doctor after doctor tell her it was in her head. She was an attention seeker. She was annorexic. ETC-ET-ER-A. She was a five foot nine woman and she weighed 102 lbs and the doctors gave her a blood staph infection and let her agonize for two days.

It finally took a full geneticist ananysis to learn that she had FULL BLOW PANCREATIC CYSTIC FIBROSIS. It was a 5T alliel and Delta F508 and those strands combined basically give you the average life expectancy of 3 years if it manifests in the lungs. At the time there had been four people in existence that had that exact fucking matchup and three of them are dead now. The doctor that cut it out said in his 35+ years it was the WORST non cancerous pancreas he's ever seen.

And this is maybe the one thing on tumblr that I've ever regretted saying but here it goes if you fucking hold this against me you can suck a fat dick. But yeah basically I'm a menonite.

The only way this is fucking possible for this much shit to go bad is incest. Like a COUPLE of generations worth.

I came from this abusive dysfunctional backdrop where they're mentally ill, deny that their behavior has anything to do with being abusive not mentally ill and then perpetuate it and enable abusive behavior. That's my legacy.

So I sit here. Every day. And AGONIZE over falling back into a twisted pattern of denial and abuse.

But the thing that fucking URKS ME about this particular (at the time) possible diagnosis has me twisted in so many fucking knots for so many fucking reasons and I cannot tell if im overthinking it or being gaslit. So I search and sift for some sort of REASON why this shit bothered me.

I'm already doing most of the treatments that are suggested to help. I already decided that regardless of denial of diagnosis it doesnt mean i don't neccesarily have PNES. It's my bargaining chip for my fears and anxieties of what I mentally planned as the Worst Possible Outcome of this followup.

PART 1

Okay so now I've got most of that portion and brought it up to speed. I wanna clarify that when i mean there's a rabbit hole to PNES I mean... buckle the fuck up. In no way shape or form an I an expert, I wasn't there for it, and this is almost conspriracy theory territory but I got a little bug in my head about it and that little bug won't shut the fuck up.

I'm not a "gut" person. I'm a head person so when i get a gut reaction, I end up overthinking it until I don't trust my instincts.