#I'm so proud of myself for keeping at it and getting this far
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uwudonoodle · 8 months ago
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I hit 50,000 words on my fic!!
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faelegacy · 1 year ago
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Ashlace: A Fae Legacy★ Prologue Pt. 10: Recap
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Oh no! It's the beginning of the end!!
No, no, silly. It's the end of the beginning!
Chronologically, the story up until now wraps back around to where we left off in Part 2. (Click here to read pt. 2!) Right there at the beginning where I said "Baelia left the faerie house ... but we'll get to that later"? Yeah, that ended up being the whole prologue. 😅
So let's recap!
After 100 years of semi-voluntary isolation, Baelia has been slain by a jellybean, yanked out of her faerie house, resurrected by the Grim Reaper, and abandoned in the... what's that? *checks notes* Oh yeah. The GRAVEYARD she's apparently been living in this whole time.
To make things even stranger, apparently the Reaper saved her life out of some bizarre selfish pleasure. However, most of her distress came from the whole graveyard thing. It left her with no choice - there wasn't a chance she'd go back into that faerie house knowing what was buried beneath it. She'd have to leave and find somewhere else to live.
After hours of brooding and multiple fits of shock and horror, Baelia finally finds herself poised to take the first steps towards a new life. The sun is setting over Moonlight Falls, which means she'll be face-to-face with horrors beyond her comprehension (ghosts) if she doesn't leave the graveyard soon. If only she had the strength to carry herself to the gates...
End of Prologue
Thank you to everyone for reading and following along! I haven't exercised my writing muscles in a very long time, so this has been a ton of fun. I really appreciate all the love!!
Look out for Chapter 1 soon! 🤍
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mirananananan · 1 year ago
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little life update/rant below :)
i feel like i've been so inactive lately which makes me big sad, but when i say i have not had the time, i'm being so serious. yesterday i literally woke up, went into work an hour early, stayed after for almost 2 hours, went home, made dinner, and immediately sat down to work on a grad school assignment and then had to work for another hour before i went to bed. then i woke up this morning and did it all again. it just feels like that's how my days look more and more recently, and it's been really hard tbh. it's demoralizing and just sad to work all day and still wake up the next day wishing i had done more, still with a mile long to do list, and knowing that it's just going to keep being this way for at least the next couple weeks.
anyways all of this is to say that i'm just both really grateful for and sorry to all my mutuals who have continued to tag me in things and stuff in the past couple weeks :) it may sound weird or dumb, but if i'm being honest i have SERIOUS fandom fomo right now, and, even though i haven't really had time recently, it's been nice to not feel like lost in the shuffle or forgotten (i told u it was going to sound weird).
being on tumblr/in fandom has truly been the most incredible escape and been such a stress relief and source of happiness for me. i'm still very much here, just lurking and liking more because i'm conserving brain bandwidth as much as possible during the week!!!!
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yesplsnothankyou · 3 months ago
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I only come on tumblr when I'm at the very end of my rope and barely hanging on by a quickly disintegrating thread and I don't know what that tells you about me
#boygenius#lah posting#I took the drugs again#I'm worse but better#I will not stagnate#i have therapy tomorrow#it's gonna be another one of those times when I spend the whole time crying#I don't have anyone anymore that i can rely on to hold space for me when I cry#i can hold space for my own emotions now thank you very much#i'm extremely proud of that fact because six months ago that hill felt absolutely insurmountable#but it really helps when there's occasionally someone else to help with that#sorrow shared is half the sorrow and joy shared is double joy#and all that#but i'm really scared for how this is going to end#i'm in really fucking deep at this point#and it's only getting deeper#i don't want to lose my person or the farm or our plans for the future#but it can't go on like this#no matter what i do#and i can't make him realise and i can't do it for him#but i'm afraid that instead of facing the music and turning shit around he's going to choose a much worse way of dealing with things#If this ends i don't think i could ever date again#i know that's dramatic but i'm being very serious about this#i keep thinking i'm dating someone completely different each time but then every time without fail after a year or two#they get into a deep funk and can't seem to do anything but stew and complain and be mean and ruin any chance of being in a good mood#every single time to the point where i wonder if that's just what happens to people who date me#and i can't stand it because while i'm far from toxic positivity i take pride in choosing to not behave like that when things dont go my wa#but i can't risk letting this keep happening again. I genuinely think i can now be happier loving myself than i'd ever be trusting romance.#I've come so far in my healing and I can't keep letting people derail me who have no idea how to self-regulate or have self-compassion#I'm getting sick again. I can feel it happening in my body
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kuromi-hoemie · 1 year ago
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heh i got a matching moonstone piece for my medusa 2 match my labret ૮ – ﻌ–ა good moonstone is so hard to find online !! i emailed the parlor i bought it from and as soon as they told me they had one in the shop i came thru immediately !! i like the bigger sized stuff :3c
they were so sweet to me too (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠) i just came in 2 buy jewelry real quick but got to talk to everyone who works there n said what's up 2 my piercer, got a lil gift bag to take home with me. one of them ran down the street for me bc they thought i dropped some jewelry but it wasn't mine 😹 thanks for running over for me though 🥺 heheh i can tell that person in particular thinks I'm cute they're sooo nicey to me when i come in 🙈 i see u ♡⁠
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izzy-b-hands · 1 year ago
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im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just
it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)
#text post#god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again#in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps#makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now#gonna sleep eventually#i think lmao#im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better#that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something#no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that#my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it#he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances)#and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year#i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND#and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live#that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me#he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off#where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself#if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao#i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine#gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings#find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try#forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others
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silverofthunder · 5 months ago
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chapter 12 of my Dracopia series is finished, yay!
and i'm pretty sure 13 will be the last chapter. it feels weird to think that soon i have finished the whole story. but also i'm kind of glad it's gonna be over. 😁
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unholyeverything · 8 months ago
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I just realised tomorrow marks the 7ths week of me being sick and feeling like garbage lol It's some ups and downs but generally it's been a while since I've been healthy and none knows whats up which is nice.
#been to the doctor so many times#and at least my general doc is trying but she cant figure out what's wrong#and the throat specialist I've been to twice in one month got a very helpful “sounds like stress and you imagine all” for me#like thanks i keep having my ear throat and nose inflamed constantly and nothing i tried so far helped but surely its stress#my doc suspected a virus but we also didnt find any active anti bodies#so i was just told to rest and was off work for two weeks that also did nothing#so i worked again even tho my doc was like maybe not but i got psychological issues being home with nothing to do#gotta go to my dentist tomorrow to see if the source is there#but im sure its my ears but I'll never go back to that doc#i was there twice a month cuz it kept getting worse and got a stress stamp#stress i didnt even have lately cuz i got a healthy fuck you all work motivation now#and now I'll lose all chance for promotion cuz i cant do my usual 200% and my bosses translate that with: she broken now bye#going great#also don't really have motivation to draw anymore#I started to build model sets but idk if anyone would wanna see those#I also got a cyst on my ovaries and got an appointment in july#that gives me serious pms like i never had it before but ok#someone knows a doc that'll remove the whole uterus i don't need that shit anymore#anyways in case anyone's been wondering where i am lately or if anyone even read this my asks are open if anyone wants to ask smth#or ask my OCs they live rent free in my head and are very precious to me#even my new car is named Michael#he's cute and my record so far been 190km/h#one day I'll do the 225 he can do#just get off the road that day pls#that car was the onyl thing i worked for so idk what to do with my life now#save for car repairs maybe#anyone wants a pic of my child#he's orange#I'm very proud of myself i managed to save up for him quiet fast#these tags are wild but I'm feeling a bit more energetic thanks to some plant supplements my uncle gave me
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mothocean · 9 months ago
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Girl help i am having grievances over my art major final project
#idk i just keep thinking about how i had a grand spectacular plan for it and then. well. *gestures around* all of this happened#and like at the end of it it feels like everyone else managed to achieve their spectacular plans and make something amazing#while i just. failed#and i am picking myself back up and i am making something!! even if its not what i planned originally it should still be good enough!!#but i guess im having a hard time reconciling with it. being proud of it#like in previous years we had multiple projects to work on all with clear deadlines and so if one thing i mad didn't turn out right#at least i had everything else i made#but now.. because of everything and just. yeah. i have one thing to show and im not 100% satisfied with it#i still have a week or so and in that time im going to make it into the best thing it can be#but its not what i wanted it to be and its still inferior to everyone else's projects#and i know that doesn't matter on the technical scale and that i'm going to get graded on what *i* did regardless of what everyone else did#but like. when they put up the exhibition people are going to see my work next to everyone else's works#and they're gonna see that what i made is far less... impressive#and like. i dont even know if what i made is good enough! if it's not too obvious or too vague#if people are going to get it or if they're gonna think it's dumb#i don't know!! and my art teachers already warned me against putting too much text next to my works so like#i can't even explain myself lol#i am going to probably make a lil design document thing and put it up next to the works themselves#but like. idk if they're gonna let me do that#i don't know!! i will keep working on it and i will try to mold it into something i can be sorta satisfied with#but like. i cant help but mourn what it could've been#roseflower.txt#vent cw#rant cw
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wetpapert0wel · 9 months ago
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Hey, I saw your tags on the one post about abuse, and I wanted to reach out and say that I also struggled a lot and hurt a lot of people during a very low part of my life - and I’m proud of you, and of me, for doing our best to change ❤️🫂 I hope recovery for you is going well, brother, and that you have a great day/night. 🫶
aw thank you !! 🥺 same to you, homie. i hope everything's going well, & i'm proud of you for doing your best, too <3 🫂
it's been hard, especially since i lost my most recent job a year or two ago at this point, which has kind of put my brain into an isolative bubble. but i'm definitely still trying to be my best possible self.
#ask#ive been keeping myself out of social spaces for a long time to avoid relapsing. but i don't think my isolation is doing me too many favors.#so i'm trying to open up again. and that's been hard. but i'm doing my best#i've been doing better about catching my shitty behavior and i'm slowly getting used to like. going back on the shit i say#and apologizing for it. because i know it's shitty. and it feels shitty for me to backpedal.#especially when i try so hard not to say shit i don't mean lmao- i go so far as to make a point in speaking in definitives 🥴#because at the end of the day. i Don't know everything. and for me to confidently say that i know something only to be proven incorrect#damages my pride ig lmao- & i have my mom 2 thank 4 that mindset 🥴 tho that's no excuse for me to stay shitty.#i don't Want to be too proud to admit my faults. & i'm creeping and crawling away from that attitude.#it's been easier since my mom's been doing the same; she's trying her best to do better. and i can tell that she's trying.#she's more patient with my snippiness than she used to be. and that's been a big help.#we're all doing the best we can. especially with the resources we have; some are better off than others.#but we're all still trying our best to not be shitty.#(unrelated but on the note of not speaking in definitives. one lady was asking if i could add a gift card to her already-in-progress order-)#(& i said 'im not sure if i can do that' & so i asked my manager & she also said 🤷‍♂️. & when she came up & asked the customer what was up)#(the customer said ''ur cashier (me) said i couldn't add this to my order when other people have done it for me'')#(& i said '...thats not what i said.' & she said 'yes it was. u said i couldn't do this' & my manager was like 'w/e we'll do it this way')#(& i had 2 stop myself from doubling down & telling the customer that i make a point not to speak in definitives-)#(-therefore i Know for a Fact that i said ''i'm not sure.'' lmao. of all the things i was sure of in that transaction. that was it. lol)
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louisa-gc · 7 months ago
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how to start reading again
from someone who was a voracious reader until high school and is now getting back into it in her twenties.
start with an old favourite. even though it felt a little silly, i re-read the harry potter series one christmas and it wiped away my worry that i wasn't capable of reading anymore. they are long books, but i was still able to get completely immersed and to read just as fast as i had years and years ago.
don't be afraid of "easier" books. before high school i was reading the french existentialists, but when getting back into reading, i picked up lucinda riley and sally rooney. not my favourite authors by far, but easier to read while not being totally terrible. i needed to remind myself that only choosing classics would not make me a better or smarter person. if a book requires a slower pace of reading to be understood, it's easier to just drop it, which is exactly what i wanted to avoid at first.
go for essays and short stories. no need to explain this one: the shorter the whole, the less daunting it is. i definitely avoided all books over 350 pages at first and stuck to essay collections until i suddenly devoured donna tartt's goldfinch.
remember it's okay not to finish. i was one of those people who finished every book they started, but not anymore! if i pick up a book at the library and after a few chapters realise i'd rather not read it, i just return it. (another good reason to use your local library! no money spent on books you might end up disliking.)
analyse — or don't. some people enjoy reading more when they take notes or really stop to think about the contents. for me, at first, it was more important to build the habit of reading, and the thought of analysing what i read felt daunting. once i let go of that expectation, i realised i naturally analyse and process what i read anyway.
read when you would usually use your phone. just as i did when i was a child, i try to read when eating, in the bathroom, on public transport, right before sleeping. i even read when i walk, because that's normally a time i stare at my screen anyway. those few pages you read when you brush your teeth and wait for a friend very quickly stack up.
finish the chapter. if you have time, try to finish the part you're reading before closing the book. usually i find i actually don't want to stop reading once i get to the end of a chapter — and if i do, it feels like a good place to pick up again later.
try different languages. i was quickly approaching a reading slump towards the end of my exchange year, until i realised i had only had access to books in english and that, despite my fluency, i was tired of the language. so as soon as i got back home i started picking up books in my native tongue, which made reading feel much easier and more fun again! after some nine months, i'm starting to read in english again without it feeling like a huge task.
forget what's popular. i thought social media would be a fun way to find interesting books to read, but i quickly grew frustrated after hating every single book i picked up on some influencer's recommendation. it's certainly more time-consuming to find new books on your own, but this way i don't despise every novel i pick up.
remember it isn't about quantity. the online book community's endless posts about reading 150 books each year or 6 books in a single day easily make us feel like we're slow, bad readers, but here's the thing: it does not matter at all how many books you read or what your reading pace is. we all lead different lives, just be proud of yourself for reading at all!
stop stressing about it. we all know why reading is important, and since the pandemic reading has become an even more popular hobby than it was before (which is wonderful!). however, there's no need to force yourself to be "a reader". pick up a book every now and then and keep reading if you enjoy it, but not reading regularly doesn't make you any less of a good person. i find the pressure to become "a person who reads" or to rediscover my inner bookworm only distances me from the very act of reading.
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mclqren · 8 months ago
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WINNER TAKES IT ALL ★ CS55
PAIRING ✦ carlos sainz x fem!singer!reader
SUMMARY ✦ you and your boyfriend both seem to be very lucky recently: you in opening for taylor swift, and him in winning the australian grand prix [ SMAU ]
WARNINGS ✦ cursing
REQUESTED ✦ here!
NOTES ✦ for the purpose of this fic, taylor has added an extra date in melbourne for the friday before the australian grand prix. as per request, the fc i've used is sabrina carpenter, but feel free to picture whoever you want! my requests are open so feel free to leave a request :)
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yourusername and with that we have one show left: back to melbourne in a couple of weeks! thank you all so much for the support, love you all like crazy 🫶
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user1 you're such a disney princess i can't
user2 DON'T MESS W ME RN IM SO SAD UR NO LONGER OPENING.
user3 FR what will we do without all of her content???
user4 ☹️☹️
carlossainz55 so proud of you!!
yourusername im way prouder of you 💘
user5 PARENTS WOOHOO
taylorswift i'll miss you, my angel! ❤️
yourusername love you sm 😢💘💘
yourusername
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( caption one: just woke up and my boyfriend's got appendicitis hellooo?? wtf have i missed while i've been in singapore. | caption two: never mind guys all is well ❤️ ( i am a photographer and i took THIS photo ) )
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yourusername impromptu visit to jeddah after SOMEONE'S appendix was removed...thanks for giving me an excuse to see you carlos 😘💘💘
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user6 THE WAY HE STILL WENT TO SEE THE GP IS CRAZY ur boyfriend is hella strong
yourusername ur telling me 🤷‍♀️
user6 OMG YOU REPLIED??? I LOVE YOU
user7 nah carlos acc has to be some sort of super human because how THE FUCK did he walk after that surgery.
user8 literally convinced he is atp.
carlossainz55 the appendix wasn't my fault...
charles_leclerc or was it 🤷‍♂️
yourusername hmmm...
user9 i'm acc their biggest fan you don't understand
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yourusername from the bottom of my heart, thank you thank you thank you for all of the love and support i've received over the past couple of weeks. they've honestly been such a fever dream for me: like you're telling me that i was opening for THE taylor swift?? twelve year old me would be screaming right about now, let me tell you that much. i've loved every minute of this experience, and i can't wait to see what era is next for me 🫶
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user13 i still remember watching you when you were eighteen, just releasing music on youtube 🥺
user14 she's come sooo far since then im so proud of her
taylorswift loved having you with me!! couldn't think of anyone else better to keep me company during these times ❤️
yourusername thank you sm tay, im going to miss youuu 💘💘
user15 why am i acc tearing up this is so sad
carlossainz55 now i have you all to myself ❤️
yourusername yeah well you have ur cars AND charles so i guess it's not just me is it.
charles_leclerc why am i being mentioned
yourusername ur just like collateral damage in this argument
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carlossainz55 back from my surgery and into P2 👊 looking forward to the race!
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user16 SMOOTH OPERATOR IS BACKKK
user17 the surgery did NOT hold him back
user18 NO REAL THE GUY WAS FLYINGGG
user19 the extra weight is gone and now he's in first row THIS IS WHAT WE NEEDED
yourusername do you ever actually rest like. ur appendix was just taken out when i get colds i stay in bed longer.
carlossainz55 yeah i know from firsthand experience 😘
user20 SHE'S SO REAL FOR THIS THOUGH
yourusername either way i'm so proud of you! smash it tomorrow 💘
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user21 the way y/n is literally so supportive of him is my fav thing
user22 all whilst telling him off for not resting enough 🤣🤣 she's too iconic for us, i fear
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yourusername me and kika are truly THOSE BITCHES 😘
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user23 SPEAK ON ITTTT 🗣️🗣️🗣️
user24 my fav wags fr 🫶
fransisca.cgomes my girlll 😍😍
yourusername foreverrr 💘
fransisca.cgomes that second pic is soooo yum
yourusername leave pierre for me RIGHT NOW.
fransisca.cgomes gladlyyy! 😍
pierregasly HUH??
yourusername got ur girl tripod how does it feel 🤣
carlossainz55 ❤️❤️
yourusername love youuu!!
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carlossainz55 P1 babyyy!! Onto Japan we go 🎢❤️
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user28 THE SMOOTHEST OPERATOR AROUND
user29 staying up until 2am to watch it was SOOO WORTH IT
user30 SO PROUD!!
yourusername YESSS I KNOW THAT'S RIGHTTT!!
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yourusername MY FUCKING MANNN LET'S GOOO!! P1 BABY 💘💘
carlossainz55 ❤️
user31 the way she supports him will never not warm my heart
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yourusername he only went and did it!! after his appendix got removed and all. couldn't be fucking prouder 💘
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yourusername proud of @/charles_leclerc as well!! what a way to end the weekend 😘
charles_leclerc thank you y/n!! 😍
yourusername FORZA FERRARI 👊
user31 the way they support each other >>>
user32 actual power couple idc
user33 i need to find myself a y/n asap.
user34 WHY ARE YOU SO PERFECT
carlossainz55 te amo siempre ❤️
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carlossainz55 it was the lack of an appendix that did it 🤣
yourusername @/charles_leclerc are you taking notes??
charles_leclerc already scheduling an appointment for the winter, don't worry 📝
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bluelocksource · 30 days ago
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U-20 Japan National Team Match Just Before the Game: A Day in Daily Life at Blue Lock.
Isagi: "I styled my hair. The little sprout on top of my head looks great today! Just then, Bachira came up and said, "Harvest ♪" while grabbing it tightly. No matter how much I tried to escape, he kept holding on. I resigned myself to it and let him grip it for a while until he got bored and went off somewhere. What a free spirit!"
Gagamaru: "There’s no nature inside Blue Lock. I wanted to see trees and flowers. Anything would be fine. Just something green. While I was looking around, I found Otoya. His bangs are green, so when I stared at him, he said, "Not into guys."
Aryū: "Little by little, the Blue Lock folks are starting to get a taste of 'Osha.' But in truly 'Osha' moments, people shine. I swear here that one day I’ll show that!"
Niko: "I was caught washing my forehead by Aryū-kun. It was embarrassing. But he taught me, 'Embarrassment is an important emotion that makes us human.' I became interested in Aryū-kun. I want to know a little more about this 'Osha' thing."
Chigiri: "I fell asleep while drying my hair. There’s no one here to wake me up. My hair is long, so it takes a while. Maybe I'll cut it next summer."
Bachira: "When I was walking around n*k*d, Karasu scolded me! Otoya joined me in being n*k*d ♪ Isagi... treated me the same as always! It seems he’s gotten tired of making remarks at my n*k*dn*ss. What a strange guy."
Karasu: "I found myself in the bath with Hiori. We didn't really have a conversation, but that was perfectly fine. I think we were both comfortable with it. It was great to see him looking well. I'm glad we had the chance to meet again."
Nagi: "I ate alone. I did the laundry by myself. I’ve become able to train on my own. I'm proud of myself. Changing is fun, but it can also be a hassle and a little lonely. Still, I think it's an important thing."
Otoya: "I contacted some girls I know on my smartphone after a long time. Most of them didn’t respond. It turns out that not keeping in touch regularly really does make girls dislike you. On to the next one! Woohoo ♪"
Yukimiya: "I talked about various things with Nagi-kun. Like the things we like, and how we've managed to get this far. It seems that for Nagi-kun, the existence of Isagi is significant. It's a story that doesn't really concern me, but having a rival like that feels nice somehow."
Rin: "When I woke up in the morning, my left lower eyelash was turned inside out and it hurt my eye. It happens sometimes, right? Bedhead with lower eyelashes. Huh? Is it just me? My brother said he has it... Oh, don't remind me of that guy. What a terrible wake-up!"
Hiori: "I trained with Isagi-kun. I sent in crosses, and Isagi-kun delivered a direct shot. With each one, he practices with intention and communicates well. He’s a smart type. He’s a bit like Karasu, too. I don’t dislike Isagi Yoichi."
Reo: "I ate alone and trained alone. It’s been a while since I did anything by myself. I can live on my own, but I dream of things I can’t do alone. I have to change. It’s not over yet. Someday, I’ll do it once more."
Barou: "I touched up the "X" shave on my temple. One line represents my murderous intent towards others, and the other represents my murderous intent towards myself. What’s that? Don’t look at me, you stinky guy (Nagi). It’s not a mark saying to give me a headshot here!"
Igaguri: "My hair had gotten long, so I asked Shidou to cut it with clippers, and he ended up giving me a heart-shaped bald spot on the back of my head. Love Amida Buddha…"
Ishikari: "I suddenly felt like playing basketball, so I asked Anri-chan for a basketball. I gathered some people randomly, and it turned out Kiyora was surprisingly really good. Basketball is so much fun!"
Kurona: "Good morning, good morning. Hello, hello. Good night, good night. Greetings are important, very important. It’s a given, but it’s precious. Everyone’s everyday life, everyday life."
Kiyora: "For dinner today, should I have croquettes or minced cutlets? My heart is 50% 50%. I feel like both choices are correct, but I also think I’d regret whichever one I choose. Alright. I’ll eat both. ………………………… Damn, I ate too much and my stomach hurts. Should I lie down or go to the bathroom? The borderline starts again."
Zantetsu: "It's better to brush your teeth properly every day, I told everyone. They replied, 'You should study more.' Well, if you get a cavity, don't say I didn't warn you!"
Tokimitsu: "I was saying, 'I lack confidence. I want confidence,' when Karasu-kun teased me, saying, 'It was just lying in the bathroom earlier, right?' Ugh… come on, don’t mess with me for real… Well, I went to check the bathroom anyway… but of course, it wasn’t there! Uwaaa!"
Nanase: "I washed my headband. When I put it in the dryer, it shrank a lot... what should I do? For now, I just wore it as it was that day. My head felt 'juri juri' (itchy)... Oh, I mean it felt 'zuki zuki' (throbbing). There goes my dialect again! Hehe, sorry about that!"
Hiiragi: "I used my hobby of tarot cards to predict my future. The 'Devil' card came up… Well, it's just a fortune-telling, right? Nothing to worry about! Right?"
Raichi: "I got really into a sideburns talk with Ishikari! His sideburns are pretty good, but mine are definitely cooler! In the end, we ended up arguing about it!"
Shidou: "I woke up. My mind feels clear. Yeah, it’s a good start today. In the afternoon, my body feels energized. I can sense my cells buzzing with excitement. At night, my heart feels restless. I’m sure something will happen tomorrow. I want to experience this night, knowing I can sleep with that thought, over and over again."
Ego: "Anri-chan was drooling and sleeping at her desk. She should sleep in her own room. Well, I decided to show a little concern for her. With this, she’ll probably listen to me for a while again. Kindness has its intentions. That’s how humans are."
Anri: "I was given an assignment by Ego-san to come up with ideas to make the existence of the Blue Lock better known to the world. Since that day, I've been stressed and having strange nightmares. Damn it… I want to sleep well! I’ll do my best!"
source: Egoist Bible 2
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secretarysong · 1 month ago
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BEEP BEEP!!!! Mayday delivery!! 🧨🧨🔥🔥
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not exactly sure what date but somewhere within This Week! marks my first 1 year of being an actual NSR fan (and my subsequent upwards spiral since then) so to celebrate i am throwing a BIG PARTY in FESTIVAL PLAZA and ALL OF YOU ARE INVITED!!!!🤑🤑🤑🤑 Just kidding. there is no party. BUT! below the Keep Reading i will share some of my earliest (and somewhat crude) drawings of mayday (and a bit of zuke). it feels like it's been ages since then...
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transitional phase....... these range from like november 2023 to march 2024 i believe? in no particular order
fun fact about me; i used to be a Strictly total drama fanartist and i preferred to draw pretty on-model to the very heavily stylized characters in the show. it was kind of difficult going from... that (Hardly ever venturing out of my comfort zone) to the oh-so-scary and intimidating world of No Straight Roads. in order to make art i'd be happy with, i'd have to inevitably get used to THREE-DIMENSIONAL SPAACE and... *gulp...* Dy.. Dy... DYNAMIC ANGLES!!!!!!!
love is one hell of a motivator however. and i love this schtewpid game and i love its world and characters and most of all i love MAYDAY!!! and here i am Today! obviously i still have a long looonngg way to go and much to learn but i've still come pretty far. and i'm pretty proud of myself! 🐊🐊🐊
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hgfictionwriter · 2 months ago
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Self Control: Part Eleven - Picture Perfect
Jessie Fleming x Reader
Summary: You and Jessie are settling into your new home as the arrival of your little one nears. However, Jessie wants to capture this moment in time before it passes.
Warnings: G!P content. Sexy photoshoot. Masturbation (reader), cunnilingus, penetrative sex, preg/breeding kink, language.
A/N: I couldn’t go another chapter without Jessie worshipping Reader’s body through photos. And if it led to smut…so be it. Also, a brief throwback/love letter to my Handy series.
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Jessie wore a gentle frown as she held two wooden bars together and eyed them up to make sure they were aligned. When she was satisfied, she retrieved a screw she held poised between her lips and starting assembling the two pieces together.
When done, she examined the manual and began lining up her next items. She looked up at you from her spot on the floor, a soft smile crossing her face. You were in the new glider chair that'd been delivered and had your laptop teetering on the edge of your lap as you typed away on something for work. Your arms were bent awkwardly around your protruding bump and your expression betrayed some of the effort you had to exert to just do this simple task.
"You know, I built you a desk," Jessie said with a smirk.
You exhaled and gave her a pointed stare, pausing mid-keystroke.
"And what a lovely desk it is. But that's in the office. You are here - in the nursery, building our daughter's crib, and I would like to be a part that. You refuse to let me help you, so I'll merely be an observer," you explained evenly.
Jessie bit back an amused laugh and simply raised her eyebrows with an accepting nod.
"Okay. Heard. And I'm sorry - I just like building things on my own," she said as she continued to piece the crib together.
"You can just say I get in the way," you said with a knowing smirk over your laptop screen.
"I would never," she said facetiously as she held your gaze with a grin. You went to protest and she nodded to the freshly painted walls. "You've done a ton already. You painted far more than I wanted you to yesterday. And you've done a bunch of arranging in here already today. You've been on your feet too much." She chided before frowning further and getting up from her spot on the floor to push the chair's accompanying foot rest in front of you. "Put your feet up. It'll help with the swelling."
"Ugh," you complained with an empty glare though you complied with her request. You continued typing as Jessie returned to her previous spot and you went on. "This whole sexy pregnancy thing is past its prime. It's not so fun sometimes."
"I'm sorry," Jessie said as she looked up at you again.
"Don't be sorry," you told her mildly as you looked at her. "I'm just not feeling so hot anymore."
"'Hot' as in sexy or 'hot' as in good?" Jessie inquired.
"Both," you said flatly, and she gave you an empathetic smile.
"Well, if it means anything, I think you're incredibly sexy," she told you before rushing on in case it upset you, "I know it's a pain for you, but I wish you knew how attractive you are like this."
"Well, I consider myself lucky that you think so," you responded dully.
"I'm so serious," she emphasized. She paused momentarily, a lingering, persistent thought pushing itself to the forefront again and begging to be shared. You noted her hesitation and frowned skeptically.
"What is it?" You asked.
"Nothing." Jessie smiled. "I just think you're really beautiful," she said before she ducked her head to keep assembling the crib.
The room was quiet for a few seconds and Jessie could feel your eyes on her. If you were going to probe, you chose not to and she heard you start typing again.
You both worked quietly in tandem with one another and eventually Jessie stood back, hands on her hips as she surveyed her work. She gave a single nod of approval, a proud smile on her face as she examined the finished crib.
"What do you think?" She asked as she looked over her shoulder at you. You looked up and over, a smile immediately on your face and you closed your laptop. You went to stand, rocking yourself to get enough momentum to get out of the chair, but Jessie trotted over and gave you a hand.
"You love this," you said with a mixture of accusation and gratitude as you narrowed your eyes at her. She gave you an innocent smile.
"Taking care of you? Sure," she said, undeterred.
You both walked over to the crib and rest your hands on the rail and peered in.
Jessie's imagination was rampant with visions of your daughter sleeping in this crib, of her rocking your daughter to sleep in the middle of the night, of her cooing and fussing and slowly growing up in this room you and Jessie had put together with love.
"I can't wait until she's here," you said softly, drawing Jessie out of her reverie. She smiled at you and kissed your shoulder.
“Me neither. I can’t believe it’s getting so close,” she said.
“I know. It seems like just a few weeks ago we were looking at the test. And now…,” you trailed off as you rubbed your stomach. Jessie frowned as she caught you faintly wince.
“Are you okay? Braxton Hicks?” She asked as she placed her hand next to yours on the underside of your bump. You exhaled through your wince and nodded.
“Yeah.”
Jessie gave you another empathetic look and rubbed your stomach for you. She remembered how panicked she was the first time you experienced one, despite reading up on them and hearing about them in an earlier birthing class.
“They’re becoming more frequent, hey?” She asked. They used to be every few days and now it was daily.
“Mmhmm,” you voiced. “A nice prelude to what’s in store in a few weeks,” you deadpanned as you side eyed her. “Which, by the way, you better not be missing next week’s class. It’s the big one.”
Jessie pulled you sideways into her and kissed your head. "Of course I’ll be there. The team already knows I’m missing training that afternoon.”
“Good,” you said sternly before relenting some. “Thank you.”
"Of course. I wouldn’t miss it. And hey, how about I run you a bath," she suggested.
You contemplated it, stubbornly almost, until finally accepting. “I suppose that would be nice. Between the Braxton Hicks and my back…it wouldn’t hurt.”
Jessie led you to the bathroom and soon she tenderly underdressed you as the tub filled. She held out her hand for you to step in, knowing balance was a bit of a challenge given your changing center of gravity.
"Babe," you complained, drawing out the pet name as Jessie helped you sink into the water. "It's cold."
"It's warm," Jessie corrected. "You can't have a hot bath - you know that." You rolled your eyes and continued to pout. Jessie gave you a withering look, but turned on the hot water for a few seconds.
"That's all you're getting," she told you, but you now smiled at her.
"Thanks, baby."
"You can have all the hot baths you want after the baby is born. I'll watch her and take care of her and you can sit in here, water as hot as you like and get all pruney," she finished with a smirk.
"I will," you said facetiously defiant.
Jessie sat on the edge of the tub and watched you quietly as you settled in, eyes closing as you relaxed into the water.
You'd been in the new house only a couple of weeks, but - with some help - you'd gotten the place more or less settled. It felt like each day the next piece of your lives was becoming crisper and clearer. It excited Jessie and she could hardly believe it.
She nearly had to laugh. A few years ago, she'd been sitting there, palms sweating and mouth dry as she wracked her brain over and over again with what to text you as she tried to charm you and wished against all odds that you'd like her as much as she liked you. Now, here you were, her ring on your finger and round with her baby, weeks away from giving birth. Your family of two about to become a family of three.
The thought that nagged her earlier came back. She watched you lovingly and just said it.
"I want to take pictures of you."
You opened your eyes and cocked your head slightly in question.
"I want to take pictures of you," Jessie repeated. "Like this." You frowned and she stammered slightly. "Well - maybe not exactly like that. Well? Actually, maybe." She shook out her head and went on assuredly. "You are glowing. And gorgeous. And so incredibly beautiful. And I want to capture this for us."
"For us or for you," you asked casually as your eyes drifted down her body teasingly. She blushed.
"Maybe both," she admitted haughtily. "And it doesn't have to be today. But soon."
"Is that why you built your dark room?" You teased. Jessie splashed you playfully and you squealed.
"This would just happen to be a nice perk," she refuted, a grin still on her face. She grew earnest once more. "I know your body is going through a lot and you don't feel great. But you really are the most stunning woman to me. I hope you know that."
You seemed to begrudgingly contemplate her words. Eventually, you sighed. "You need to be in some of the photos, too."
That wasn't what she was picturing, but she'd have to cope. She smiled.
"Okay. Deal."
"Now, if I ask you something - will you say 'yes'?" You asked. Jessie frowned.
"Maybe? What is it?"
"If I wanted you to go to the store and get me, say, some ice cream. Would you?" You asked as you looked at her expectantly. She rolled her eyes and groaned.
"You don't have to," you offered mildly, but Jessie was already standing up.
"Come on," she said dryly. "Let's get you out of there and into bed. And, yes, I'll go." You nearly snickered and she ground out with a lingering grin, "You have me wrapped around your little finger and you know it." She nodded to your bump with a shake of her head. "And she will, too."
"Mhmm," you merely nodded with a self-satisfied smile. "Who are you kidding?" You said patiently. "She already does."
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“You look beautiful,” Jessie told you as she crouched and held the viewfinder of her camera up to her eye. The camera clicked as she pressed the shutter.
“Well, it is your doing,” you joked with a teasing glance as you readjusted the flowing fabric of your dress. “So you’re really just admiring your own work.”
Jessie smiled, fighting off a blush as she moved around you and took pictures of you from different angles.
You rubbed your stomach before pulling your hand back. “Oh, sorry.”
“No, no, that’s perfect,” she told you as she encouraged you to do it again. She put her hand on your stomach as well and leaned back to take a picture of her hand and yours.
Jessie had you pose in various ways, all the while making sure you felt comfortable and at ease. She really meant it when she said you were glowing. You already were the most gorgeous girl to her, but like this, she couldn’t help but worship you.
When she was satisfied, she stood up straight and looked to you in question.
“Now,” she went on, clearing her throat as she looked at you. “How do you feel about…taking some clothes off.” She went on in a rush, one hand up in defense already. “It’ll be tasteful. I promise.”
You smirked at her. “I trust you.”
You started bundling up the fabric of your dress and Jessie helped you take off the garment. She couldn’t help it if her hands lingered on your hips, on your bump, on your swollen breasts. She cleared her throat once more as she forced herself to refocus.
“You’re gorgeous,” she told you as you held your breasts in your hands or covered them with your arm for modesty as Jessie photographed your otherwise naked body.
“Here, give me that,” you said gently after some time as you held out your hand for the camera. Jessie handed it over wordlessly with a frown. After some encouragement, she complied and you started taking pictures of her with your bump.
She took the camera after a few shots and set it up on a tripod to capture a few photos of the two of you together.
It was a challenge for Jessie to control herself as she kissed and caressed your bump. Some of her kisses and touches turned sensual. She kept an eye on you and fought back a satisfied grin as you began to fidget under her touch.
“Babe,” you drew out the name, half complaining, half whining.
“Yeah babe?” She asked through a smile as she continued to kiss your taut stomach.
“You know what,” you pouted.
“‘Mmkay, that’s enough,” Jessie said as she stood up and took the camera back. “This was supposed to be photos of you after all,” she said with a lingering look. She stood back and took a few more pictures, noting how flushed you looked.
“Why don’t you we get some of you sitting down,” Jessie said as she coaxed you over to the bed. You sat down heavily and gave her an accusatory look.
“God, now you have me all worked up,” you complained leaning back on your hands.
Jessie hummed as she wound the film. “Well, feel free to do something about it,” she offered nonchalantly. You shot her a look. She smirked at you. “They can be for my even more private collection.”
You studied her for several seconds and she could feel you were on the precipice.
“It’s obviously up to you, but I would adore some photographs of my gorgeous wife-to-be relieving some tension as she’s round and full of the baby that I pumped into her.”
“Christ Jess,” you huffed as you rolled your eyes in frustration.
“Her body blossoming in the most incredible, raw way possible. Her breasts gorgeous and full. Her hips softer and curvier to accommodate the life we created. God, you turn me on so much,” Jessie finished, her camera poised and ready, and also unable to ignore the tightening sensation forming in her pants.
She caught the way your eyes drifted to her bulge and you bit your lip. She snapped a photo.
"God you're beautiful."
You didn't say anything, you just lifted your gaze to look at her through the camera and leaned back further before reaching down with a hand to begin stroking through your folds.
"Oh yes," Jessie said with a broad smile as she knelt down to get a better angle. From here, not only did she get a clearer view of your swollen and slick pussy lips, but you looked incredible from this angle - leaned back, your prominent bump on full display, your breasts spilling out around it, further highlighted by how your chest moved up and down with each breath, never mind the profile of your face with your head thrown back.
Jessie bit the inside of her cheek as she felt herself straining further against the fabric of her pants as she watched you begin to rub your clit, soft mewls starting to escape you.
"You always sound so amazing," Jessie told you as she took another picture.
You simply moaned and began rubbing yourself with greater fervour.
"Help me, Jess," you said, eyes still closed as you gently rocked into your hand. She didn't need to be told twice.
She set the camera down quickly and shifted over between your legs and gently pushed your legs apart just enough to make room for her. She felt a pulse go through her at the low moan you made.
Wasting no more time, she dipped her head in and began licking you as you continued to play with your clit.
"Oh God," you breathed, your chest falling as pleasure coursed through you.
She pulled your lips into her mouth, teasing and licking them before dipping her tongue inside your entrance then returning to trace between your folds.
Between her attention and yours, it wasn't long until your hips began to buck into her face and your hand. Her face was coated in juices before you even started cumming, only to have your arousal dripping down her chin as you came.
When she eventually pulled back, she lifted the collar of her shirt to wipe her mouth on the inside of it.
"God, baby. You were always wet, but you're so wet these days and I love it even more," she praised.
By now you had laid back on the bed to recover. You were only there for maybe 30 seconds before you shifted on your side.
"Ugh, that's too much," you said of the weight on you.
Jessie climbed onto the bed and kissed your bump and then your arm.
The room was quiet as you rested and Jessie simply watched you. She ignored the way her pants were pulled tight against her erection and the feeling of frustration it created.
Eventually, you peeked over. "What are we going to do about you?"
"We don't need to do anything," she told you and she meant it.
"Mmm, I know we don't have to, but what if I want to," you said.
Jessie gave you a scrutinizing look and you shrugged a shoulder.
"I love cumming on your tongue, but cumming on your cock is a whole other experience."
"Jesus," Jessie breathed as she looked up at the ceiling for a second before returning to meet your gaze with a smirk. She shook her head. "You know what you do to me."
"I can see it," you said with a teasing nod towards her very obvious bulge.
"How do you want to do it?" Jessie asked. In the state you were in, sex required a bit more forethought and consideration these days. It took away a touch of the primal need and 'in the moment' spontaneity, but it was far more important to her that you felt comfortable.
You hoisted yourself up into a sitting position and looked around the bed.
"I want to ride you," you said. "I might get tired quick though."
"That's okay. I can support you and we can flip over when you do get tired," she said.
With a nod of approval from you, Jessie began to undress and then maneuvered herself over to the head of the bed. She reached for your hands to help you, gently helping you straddle her and balance before guiding herself to your entrance.
"Are you okay?" She asked, only to be answered by you sinking down onto her waiting cock. Her jaw set and she dug her head backwards into the pillow as your warmth engulfed her. "Shit." She cursed and you merely smirked at her.
"Still good?" You asked with a glint in your eye.
"Fuck, you know how good you feel," she said as she held your hips and rolled herself up into you.
Jessie had her feet planted on the bed, knees raised so you could lean back against her thighs. This also let her better use her hips to help you move up and down. What good was working out if it didn't help her fuck you?
Again, the view was absolutely stunning from where Jessie was. She could adore you in all your glory as you were backlit on top of her. The days of fast and furious fuckings were on a bit of a hiatus, but it didn't bother Jessie in the least. The intimacy of these recent sessions put them in their own category and she adored it.
She held one hand under your thigh to continue supporting you, but her other hand came to your round belly and she caressed it as you two made love. Your hand came to hers.
"What are you going to do when I'm no longer swollen and heavy with your baby," you said with a lilt in your voice. Jessie grinned as she locked eyes with you.
"Put another one in you," she said without missing a beat.
You chuckled. "I know we make decent money, but we're going to have to be careful to not get too out of control. Two tops."
"Three?" Jessie asked as she continued to rock into you.
"I'm going to say 'two' knowing we'll end up at three. If I say 'three', we'll wind up with four and that's just too much."
"Fine," Jessie said facetiously as she gripped your hips again and picked up her pace just a touch. You moaned and gripped her forearms for support.
She wished she could kiss you, but she couldn't in this position. After would just have to do. She continued and soon she could feel your walls starting to tighten and clench around her.
"Fuck," you whimpered. "Rub my clit," you told her urgently.
It wasn't easy, given your bump, but Jessie did so and you quickly came undone on her fingers and cock. Her muscles flexed as she held you up as your body melted into hers.
You relaxed on top of her, leaning back against her thighs and nudged her for help to disentangle yourself from her. She chuckled and did so, unable to hide that she was still very much aroused.
You knelt onto your hands and knees, your stomach brushing against the sheets below. You looked over your shoulder at her.
"I want you to finish inside me," you said.
Jessie didn’t argue. She shifted behind you and held herself to your sopping entrance to push inside. Again, her eyes fell shut at the incredible feeling of your soft heat wrapping tightly around her.
“Fuck, babe,” she said, on one knee, the other foot planted next to you as she rocked her hips into you. She leaned back and watched how your lips wrapped around her cock and she kneaded your ass as she bit her lip.
“Oh God,” you said as she shifted to lean over you, one hand bracing herself on the mattress and the other on the side of your bump. With this angle she was hitting your g-spot directly and your legs began to quiver.
Wet sounds filled the air as she began to pump into you a touch faster, a tightness starting to build within her as you continued to envelope her, your tunnel repeatedly massaging the sensitive head of her cock and her length as she thrust into you with firm, measured strokes.
She could tell you were close again so she grit her teeth and held back a while longer. She reached down with one hand and began playing with your clit again. Your legs shook further and she leaned back to hold your hips to support you.
You came with a cry and Jessie finally released herself inside of you with a low moan, holding her hips flush against you as she pulsed and twitched inside your heat.
“Ah, fuck,” she hissed in pleasure as she took a slow stroke back before pushing in to the hilt a couple more times as she drained herself into your waiting pussy.
She exhaled slowly, her mouth in a tight ‘O’ as she withdraw altogether to see just a hint of her cum pooled inside of you, most of it too deep to be seen.
“Fuck, baby,” she said as she admired you and the state you were in. She leaned forward and kissed your back before you settled onto your side with a contented sigh.
You sighed further, catching your breath as Jessie snuggled in behind you to spoon you. She wrapped her arm around your waist, her fingertips barely reaching your bellybutton.
“Are you okay?” She asked as she thumbed the taut skin of your middle.
“Completely. Other than tired.” She could hear the smile in your voice. “And more Braxton Hicks,” you added flatly. “I guess multiple orgasms will do that to a girl.”
Jessie propped herself up on her elbow to look at you. You glanced up at her briefly, but soon nestled your head back into the bed and closed your eyes.
“Should we be concerned?” She asked.
“No. The midwife said that’s normal,” you replied. “If I end up past-due though, I’ll be tasking you with fucking me into labour though,” you said with a smirk.
You exhaled again before tilting your head slightly to look back at her. “How do you think the photos will turn out?”
Jessie beamed and kissed your shoulder. “They’re going to be beautiful.”
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maidservant-hecubus · 5 months ago
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My father is an Ashkenazi Jew. His parents were first generation Americans. Their parents escaped the pogroms in Russia and Ukraine and came to find their American dream. They fought in wars and opened businesses and assimilated and my generation barely has a few words of Yiddish between us. My mother is as much of a WASP as it gets. American Revolutionaries and Signers and some household name civil war feature players. Not old money, but old America and undoubtedly white. I'm patrilineal. Not a Jew to a lot of Jews. Not a Jew to a lot of my Jewish family. Even though i was raised Jewish. Even though I look like my father. Even though i got enough of something in my DNA to get asked "What are you?" more often than not. More often than I'm just accepted at face value as "white". When i was little we lived in an Irish Catholic neighborhood. Like the 5-10 kids in every family sort of Irish catholic neighborhood. The kids calling me a christ killer and refusing to play with me because they heard it from their parents sort of irish catholic neighborhood. For some reason my parents tried to send me to the catholic school down the street. I lasted less than a week because i didn't understand their rituals and their language and they found out my father was a Jew and they couldn't have a christ killer in their midst. I was just sad i didn't get to wear the cute plaid skirt anymore. So i went to the public school and my well meaning shiksa mother who never converted but learned the Chanukah prayers and helped cook Seder dinners came to the school to teach the class about Chanukah. She taught them songs and all the kids got dreidels and had so much fun spinning the top for chocolate coins. It was nice to feel normal. A few weeks later a boy in a higher grade attacked me on the way to the bus and smashed my art project (we had made pig noses from solo cups to celebrate reading charlotte's web) into my face and called me a filthy jew. I didn't understand, i was more upset to lose the project i was so proud of. Other things happened. Things I wont talk about because putting them in context would doxx me. But a million reminders that i wasn't one of them. I wasn't welcome because i was Jewish. My parents divorced. My mother left. Far away so I'd only see her a handful of times growing up. And I went to live with my Dad in a city that seemed like it was overflowing with Jews. Everyone knew my holidays! In public school the teachers looked like my family and had familiar sounding names. We had the high holy days off just like christmas or easter. We sang Chanukah songs in the winter recital and nobody's mom had to come teach them to the class. Finally I belonged! My friends and cousins started planning for their b mitzvah celebrations and i asked for my own. I asked to go to hebrew school so i could be more like the people i belonged with and celebrate the things i loved about myself and them. "But you're not jewish." My father would say. This was news to me. The christ killer. The filthy jew. But a 10 year old has little power over their lives. So i didn't go. I didn't have a bat mitzva while my cousins had theirs. It was okay because i still belonged more than i ever had. But i was still jewish enough to keep the holidays and pray and fast and get sent with a box of matzo to my WASP grandmothers for easter, and have matzo packed in my lunch to eat in AP algebra in 7th grade and get asked if I'm a "Yid" by the teacher. And still to this day not know if it was endearment or insult but by then I knew even in this magical city being a Jew wasn't always safe. in highschool I tried to take hebrew lessons with a friend in a similar situation as me. She was also hungry to reconnect. I don't remember why the classes or the friendship fell through, but they did. My next "friend", a goy raised catholic from another neighborhood, liked to accuse me of being money driven when i picked up a penny on the sidewalk or tried to ask who was going to pay for the zine's she wanted to publish.
 "What are you?" I'd get asked a lot on the street by curious strangers, "Where are you from?" "Are you Italian?" Always Italian. I never really understood that, but its become code in my head for "You look like you're white but something about you is very not white and I just can't place it, so Italian seems safe and polite." I'm not here to unpack the Italian part of all that. I don't even know what I'm unpacking for myself by writing this except I've been sick for days and I'm so tired and this is all that my foggy brain can wrap itself around. Later I'm an adult and on my own and getting bloodwork done. The Nurse is a black woman and so sweet to me. She can tell I'm nervous about the needles because I've already stumbled through my apologies for my herd to find veins. So she distracts me with small talk. Where do i live? I tell her. She looks worried for me. Tells me that it used to be a nice neighborhood before white people took it over and she warns me like she's my own mother to be careful because they aren't safe. I doublecheck the skin she's putting a needle into. Whatever she sees isn't white. I love her for it. For a moment I belong there with her. She doesn't ask what I am or where i'm from, but she knows what i'm not. I'm the only one keeping the holidays with my family. We celebrate Passover because I go home to my fathers and cook the dinner and print out the Haggadah and lead the Seder to the tune of my drunk catholic stepmother eating my food and telling me i'll never be a jew. She's more of a jew than I'll ever be because she grew up in a jewish neighborhood and her friends were all jews and she married a jew and i was just playing pretend. I stopped going home for holidays and they stopped observing anything except Christmas. I marry a goy. "Is he a jew?" is the first thing my father asks and he's disappointed when i say no. He's abusive, i run. I end up living in the attic of this older old money WASP couple who need a live in house sitter. They're pillars of their church and they know someone from the WASP side of my family very well and its a funny coincidence and they think i belong there. I know from their divest from Israel bumper stickers that i don't. Then they find out I consider myself Jewish and i see the light in their eyes die and its replaced by something hard and disappointed. Now, while writing this, i can laugh about being the jew in someone's attic. But then, it was only a few months after that they started coming up with excuses for why I needed to move out. I did, their excuses never manifested into reality. I got married again. A jew this time! a Jewish medical professional liek grandma always wanted. She's a convert and her ex was a rabbinical student. I think maybe i'm home finally. She has to understand. I'm not Jewish enough for her. We don't keep holidays at home because i'm not a jew. I cry every year when pesach comes and goes and i haven't recited the plagues or eaten matzo piled high with horseradish. She insists on putting up a christmas tree. She turns abusive. I run.
I'm alone now and no longer in that magic jewish city. I'm far away and surrounded by mega churches and cows and the bagels suck and people quote the bible at me like some call and response that i don't have the cheat code for and I don't belong here at all but i'm finally finally free to light my menorah and recite the plagues and study torah with the group i found here on tumblr who love and accept me even though i'm patrilineal. Oct. 7th happened a few weeks after I moved here. I worry about my family back home and i think no one will look for Jews here among the cows and mega churches, so I can be a safe place for them to run if things get bad again. But i still don't fit in here. I don't look right. The last name I have now is common here and too white for whatever people see when they look in my face. I get interrogated about it a lot. But i learned quickly how to smile and say "have a blessed day". I hide my menorah when maintenance comes to work on my apartment. I flew home last month. Just for a visit. I've never been away from home this far or this long. And I'm the type that covers nerves and anxiety with chattiness, so at the airport i made a for-now-friend while we both waited for the plane to board. She's Puerto Rican. We talk about our lives. Our families. Her twin sister and i go by the same nickname and so we're family now. We talk about food. So much food and how much we love cooking and how important food was at home. "Are you Italian?" she asks as we're stepping through the hatch into the plane. Why always Italian? I wonder for the millionth time in my life. And I freeze up for a moment between fighting my carry-on over the gap and terror that I'm about to see the light go out behind her eyes and i'll lose this for-now friend. "No," i laugh but its not a real laugh and i see the concern in her face as we squeeze through the aisle because she can hear the apprehension in my voice, "I'm Jewish." And something strange happened because her face lit up and she smiled and said "No way?! You guys have GREAT food!"
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