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insomniacowl · 4 years ago

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Neon genesis Evangelion Analysis Chapter 23: Katsuragi Misato Part 2 Dear Shinji, this is my will.

Misato: So you don't want to meet your dad?

Just like me

Let us start from the beginning. The scene in the first episode where Misato drives down to meet Shinji. Her first words to him were, "Sorry, I made you wait." This, I believe, is the first of many times their interactions will revolve around the theme of "Waiting." The line also contrasts with her final words to Shinji, "Let's continue when you get back."

Her cross is first brought to our attention through Shinji's eyes as Misato shields him from the blast of explosions from the Self-defense force's missiles used against Sakiel. Then, on their way to NERV, Shinji confides to her about his feelings towards Gendou. Misato empathizes, saying, "You're just like me," pointing to their commonalities.

She later consoles Shinji as he refuses to pilot Eva-01 and tells him to "Not run away from himself." At this point, she was already seeing herself reflected in Shinji, and those words were meant for herself as well.

After this point, Misato constantly finds herself reflected on Shinji. While it has a positive influence, like in episode 1, it also frequently caused Shinji to hurt. One criticism viewers lay on Misato is the sarcastic tone she sometimes takes when talking to Shinji about his actions. "You don't want to pilot the Eva? With that kind of determination…. What a pain!", Is one of the harsh words directed at Shinji. Even in episode 12, her cold reaction to Shinji's contemplation regarding Asuka is also, in its own way, infamous.

Yet, if we consider that she sees a lot of herself in Shinji, those lines come to represent her self-contempt rather than how she sees the fourteen-year-old. Misato was not really in the position to take care of teenagers if we consider her character flaws.

While such actions are worthy of criticism, there is room to empathize considering the traumas she had to endure, which has shaped the kind of "Adult" she became. As a young child, she was in the center of the Second Impact, and the psychological impact has led to her being mute for a few years. However, she seemed to have eventually recovered. Perhaps to compensate, we are told that she became an overly happy and talkative person. On top of this, she has studied hard and become a student at the Second-Tokyo city University. She met and began living with Kaji in the year 2005, at the age of twenty. According to Ritsuko, she even had a week-long sex marathon with Kaji, where neither of them left the house during the period.

To elaborate on her constant need for physical pleasure, we can start from the glimpse of her inner monologue we get during the instrumentality. We learn that it was one of the few things she had control over that made her feel alive when she was intimate with Kaji. Yet she breaks up with him because She saw a glimpse of her father reflected in him, although that was what got her attracted to him in the first place.

What are you embarrassed about? You wanted the man you love to see you for who you were. NO!

I wonder about that. You wanted your father to see you for who you were. That's not true!

We can identify Misato as struggling with Electra Complex (Oedipus Complex for girls) regarding how she views her father. She then attempted to quench the thirst for affection her father failed to provide her from a different man who felt similar to him. This can be observed through Kaji and Shinji. Two people sharing the same character flaws as her father (Workaholic and being bad at human interaction) being the two people she opened herself up to (Mentally, emotionally, and sexually). Misato was hoping to compensate for the loss she suffered and recover from her past trauma using her relationship with these two.

Consciously or unconsciously, she likely understood this side of herself. She felt disgusted by herself, leading to her breaking up with Kaji while punishing and labeling herself as someone "Undeserving to love." While her relationship with Kaji was open and overtly described in the series, some of you might wonder how Shinji is involved in this process. Especially regarding the sexual aspect of this analysis.

We can definitively say that Misato and Shinji do not share a simple Guardianship relation. But the discussion about Misato and Shinji can wait for now. First, let us discuss Hyuga Makoto.

Hyuga is seen approaching Misato as more than just a direct superior at work (Especially after Kaji's death). "Only if it's with you (I don't mind dying from the base self-destructing)." It is a telling line that highlights Hyuga's feelings that he begins acting on in the latter part of the series. Turning him into a more dimensional character. While Misato seems to be aware of such advances, we never see her acting on it. Neither accepting nor rejecting him outright. Since this is at the low point of her emotional journey, Misato would have been okay with anyone. Thus, it makes us wonder if there could have been more intimacy between the two off-screen. I'd argue that Hyuga died a virgin (or at least that there was no sexual relationship between the two) based on Hyuga's fantasy during the instrumentality.

To bring our discussion back to Kaji, we are shown that he was the first man she trusted and gave her first intimacy to. At the same time, she was someone Kaji was able to trust and be vulnerable with. We never see either of them refer to each other by their names. While the reason is not depicted, we can make an educated guess and say that it stems from their determination to interact professionally. Without letting their (embarrassing) past hinder their work.

But perhaps it was destined that this guise was not meant to be. In episode 15, we see the two confide in each other. Misato laments about her father and her regret of not being a good lover for Kaji. Kaji embraces and accepts her of it. The last time they ever shared a bed, Kaji gives her his final present. His death led to Misato shedding many tears, but the present helped guide her to her next step. Before this point, we see her constantly drinking her favorite beer, but never after this event. All we see her drink from then on is canned coffee, Kaji's favorite drink. And now, two peoples' worth of "Will" lived on inside her. One from her father, the other from Kaji.

Now, let's discuss the last "Male" in her life: Shinji. As mentioned earlier, Shinji was more than just a child under her care. Shinji's first introduction of Misato was through her photo that she sent him. It is a revealing photo of herself with arrows drawing attention to her breast. As a side note, the actual words in this image were written by Anno himself, and the lipstick mark was from one of the female Gainax staff.

From the photo, we can see that Misato wants Shinji to see her as more than a potential caretaker (as ethically should), but as someone of opposite gender and a "potential" love interest. Although, of course, we can brush it aside as a part of her quirky and fun-loving attitude. But the problem arises in the latter part of the series where this attitude crosses the line. The suspicion is confirmed in the official pamphlet's character introduction describing her as Shinji's family + co-worker + superior + "lover."

Misato: Shinji, I'm going in. This is about all I can do for you right now.

Shinji: No!

The scene central to this discussion happens in episode 23 when she takes her seat next to Shinji, who is grieving the death of Second Rei on his bed. Although surface-level reading is, Misato wants to hold his hands to comfort him. If that is the case, the line "This is all I can do for you right now" is unnecessary. And not only that, but Shinji's rejection of this advance is also too strong to justify the conclusion of the surface level analysis. If anything comes to mind about an act that two grown-up adults do on the bed is "Sex."

Even if we try to give the benefit of the doubt and stay at the surface-level conclusion that is psychologically comfortable, this is Evangelion. It refuses psychological comfort. The film book released by Gainax has a note about this scene that says, "Misato is attempting to give Shinji her body." This is even alluded to in the shot right before the line, the head of the chair being where Shinji's Penis would be, and Misato coming to sit right on top of it.

Throughout the series, both Misato and Asuka approach Shinji as the "Other sex." it's natural for Asuka since they are the same age. However, it is unnatural to think of Misato (Who is twice his age) approaching Shinji sexually (neither should be accepted). So let's dive into how Misato might think about that. As early as episode 2, we are shown Misato yelling at Ritsuko through the phone, saying, "There is no way I will lay my hands on a boy!". This is perhaps foreshadowing what she will be doing in the later part of the series. So what changed in her throughout the series that she would end up trying to lay her hands on Shinji sexually. Did she genuinely believe that it was the only way she can console Shinji? Or perhaps there was a more selfish reason, to distract herself from the sadness of losing Kaji? Well, it could be both. There is a middle ground and an explanation that I prefer. Kaji was the only man she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Because the best means of communication between the two have been sexual, she most likely believed this to be the most effective way to empathize and be vulnerable with Shinji.

We can see this as another manifestation of her Electra complex if we consider that Shinji also reminds her of her father.

As many of you are aware, Evangelion borrows concepts from psychology and is strongly influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis. Psychological terms are heavily used, especially in later episodes. The characters' internal conflicts are put into the spotlight in episodes 18, 19, and 20. All these episodes use terms from psychoanalysis for their title. Let me touch on each of them briefly over here. Episode 18's title is "Ambivalence." It refers to the coexistence of two conflicting emotions (Love and hate) regarding something and was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1911. Freud borrowed this term in his analysis. His followers believed it to be an essential state that leads to the sadistic sub-phase of development. Episode 18 is also when the dummy-controlled Eva Unit-01 destroys Bardiel. Thus the title can also help us understand the Destrudo-led sadistic destruction of the dummy program.

Episode 19's title is "Introjection" and was a term heavily used by Freud. It is the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others and a psychological defensive mechanism used by the ego to minimize anxiety. Almost every human being goes through this phase and is a part of healthy development as an individual. Episode 19 is when Shinji emits a strong dose of Destrudo and achieves a 400% synchronization rate. Here, we can try to explain the use of this term for the episode title in two ways. The first is to refer to the synchronization process of the pilot and the Evangelion. Secondly (and more specifically to the episode), to refer to Shinji becoming an individual that has become a part of Unit-01. Becoming a part of Unit-01 who have just absorbed the S2 engine and become as though god.

Last is episode 20, titled "Oral stage," and is the stage central to Freud's theory of Libido's development. Libido is the potential sexual energy, and Freud categorized the development into four distinct stages, starting with the oral stage. During this stage of development, the child clings onto its mother's breast for nourishment. This is also when the child begins to develop the ability to distinguish between themselves and the other. The significant happening of episode 20 is salvaging Shinji from Unit-01's Core, trying to bring Shinji back as an individual and away from the comfort of his mother. This can be seen to parallel the child leaving its mother's womb and coming to be born into its own person. And to add, they had to inject Libido into the Core to salvage him.

To return from our long detour, Evangelion is a series that heavily draws its conceptual inspiration from Psychology and Freudian psychoanalysis. What Freud posits, and perhaps most central to his scholarship, understands that desires created by both Libido and Destrudo, any forms of mental energy are irresistible and irrepressible. That is to say, if during one's development if any of such mental energies' expressions are disturbed and blocked off, it will results in the development of harmful coping mechanisms as an adult. In the case of Misato, her father's absence resulted in the absence of ways to healthily release her Libido. Therefore, Misato's inappropriate advance towards Shinji could manifested the harmful coping mechanism she developed as a child.

Losing her father as a child resulted in dysregulation in Libido. Losing Kaji, the only person she truly loved, left Masato broken. At this point, she had no other way to release her desires other than laying hands on a vulnerable child. When both Shinji and Penpen refused her the physical affection she needed, she could only find comfort in listening to Kaji's final voice message in repeat. Yet, she did not lose all possibility to recover. She was able to dry out her tears and began to follow the road her father once took. This leads her to analyze the evidence Kaji passes onto her and begins questioning the truth behind Rei. By the end, she manages to reach close enough to understand the "Truth." This is how she was able to explain to Shinji what was going on. She also experiences character growth through this process, becoming able to fully understand and empathize with the pain of others.

This is also when we see her starting to differ from Asuka. While both lost Kaji, whom they both loved, Misato comes to accept this loss and can carry herself as an adult. By the end, she was mature enough to send the grieving Shinji to Unit-01 during the End of Evangelion. While Misato has always convinced Shinji to get on the Eva, now, she was different from the past. Unlike in episode 4, where she emotionally manipulated Shinji into piloting Eva. Unlike episode 12, where she drew a hard line and coldly forced him. In EOE, she was no longer forcing Shinji out of her own hatred of the angels. All there was, was a grown adult's desire to convince a child that "Life is worth living." Even if she were to die during this process. All there was, was Misato's advice as an adult to the crying child. And it was this "will to live" that was passed on from Misato to Shinji.

Misato places her necklace on Shinji's hands and wraps his hands around it. Just as how she once held onto it while facing death in its face. Her father's memento. The love towards one's family. Hope for humanity. And all else that the cross symbolized. And the cross passed on from Misato to Shinji like the passing of the torch. To pass on the will to live. This was followed by a grown-up's kiss, just like how Kaji showed her, the perfect way to, perhaps the only way to fully communicate this will and pass it on. To want the other to continue living and hoping to live on as a part of their memory.

With the kiss, Misato stopped pretending to be Shinji's inept guardian.

She sent Shinji off, hoping that he could become a grown-up who can stand by himself.

Misato: You will be alone from this point on. You need to choose for yourself.

Shinji: No. I can't.

Misato: Crying isn't going to solve anything, either!

Misato: You hate yourself, don't you? That's why you hurt others. Deep down, you know that you suffer more when you cause someone else pain than if you just let yourself get hurt. But Shinji, that was your decision, so that makes it a valid choice. That's what you wanted, so that makes it worthwhile, Stop lying to yourself, and realize that you do have options. Then accept the choices that you made.

Shinji: But you're not me. You don't understand!

Misato: So what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean it's okay for you to give up! If you do, I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live.

Misato: I'm not perfect either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later, I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again. A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself.

Please, Shinji. You've got to pilot Eva and settle this once and for all. Find out why you came here. Why you exist at all.

And when you've found your answers, come back to me. Promise me. See you soon.

Kaji: Go and do what you can. No one will force that choice on you. Think for yourself and decide for yourself. GO and do what you must right now. So that you don't live to regret it.

Misato: If I had known it would end like this, I would have changed the carpet as Asuka suggested.

Many discussions about Eva centered around her last words, the one about the Carpet and Asuka. Most of the theories have interpreted it with the spilled coffee during the instrumentality scene. I'll touch on the scenes shown in instrumentality in future chapters. But for the discussion here, note that the coffee was not spilled on the carpet during the instrumentality scenes. So I'd instead interpret this line separately from it. Personally, I believe this to be Misato, as an adult, regretting not being as kind and compassionate as she could have been to Asuka.

Unlike Shinji, who she managed to pass on her will and true feelings, she did not have that privilege with Asuka. Instead, she wallowed in her sadness, not looking out for Asuka, who was herself suffering from traumas and grief. The regret of not being a good guardian and not making the home comfortable for Asuka would have hit her as waves of regret crashed in as she laid bleeding cold on the floor of section R-20.

After Shinji, who she just sent off, Asuka, who she feels sorry for, After Penpen, who was always there for her, Kaji now crosses her mind. Was she waiting for his praise for passing on his will to Shinji?

As though she can see him, she stares at the sky. Right before the explosion, we see Rei standing over her. Perhaps it was Lilith who traveled through time.

And we come to the final scene of the EoE. Shinji and Asuka are lying down on the shore, staring at the sky. At this moment, we are reminded of Misato through the cross, now nailed to a wooden post. The cross has come to symbolize Misato's hope and dreams for the two children who will now be growing up into two adults. Will Misato be able to revert back to her human form by her soul desiring it? Nobody knows. But I don't think that matters. Because now, Shinji carries on her will.

Let's continue when you get back.

I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome Shinji, this is your new home.

I'm back.

Welcome back!

Sorry, made you wait!

TBC Chapter 24: Ritsuko Part 1 Mother and Daughter

#Neon genesis evangelion #Evangelion #Eva #End of Evangelion #Nge #Nagisa Kaworu #Lilith #Sci-fi #Ikari Shinji #Soryu Asuka Langley #Asuka #Ayanami Rei #rei #Anno Hideaki #Katsuragi Misato #Kaji Ryoji #Anime #Analysis #Review

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atsunflower · 4 years ago

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Semi Eita x Reader

Rated: SFW — Angst, cursing, traffic accident, injury descriptions, slight mentions of anxiety and post traumatic stress.

Word count: 2070

Author notes: and here is the second part of our F.L.Y collab. I want to thank all the girls from Knights of the coconut and in particular, both @mooshua and @neonghxst who were pretty patient with me and helped me a lot throughout this process. You guys are amazing and I can't thank you enough. I guess that's all. Please enjoy your reading!

F.L.Y Masterlist

If this can no longer resonate/ No longer make my heart vibrate/ Then like this may be how/ I die my first death

He felt suffocated as the breath hitched on his throat.

Staring at his hands, the male recalled how said limbs brought the best time of his life:

A setter position at Shiratorizawa Volleyball club.

A desk job at the public department.

A promise as a rising star along his band, under a label with a contract too good to be true.

Roaming through his memories, he remembers that every single one of his achievements were accompanied by lights:

The reflectors on the court.

The white lamps from his office.

The blinding lights from the stage.

Once had he everything he wanted. Now it was all out of his grasp — And lights, very similar to the last ones, now plagued his thoughts.

After all, he remembers when they blinded him before the car came crashing onto his body. Chills ran down his spine every time he recalled how the headlights of the vehicle were the last thing he saw before blacking out.

All it took was one second and then, a month at the hospital that turned into a lifetime of pain — it took only an accident for his life never be the same again.

"Maybe this is what they call first death" He muttered to himself, the words tasting bitter in his mouth as he took on his surroundings.

The constant tapping the secretary made on the keyboard left his nerves on edge and, added to the sterile scent hanging on the air, it felt like a reminder of the folder that sat heavy on his lap. In addition, the curious, pitying, eyes trained to his figure did nothing to soothe his anxiety.

Well, it's not everyday you see a rockstar sitting in a clinic waiting room, after he almost died, the man mused in distaste.

"Semi Eita?" The voice called from the door across the lounge. There, a male stood eyeing him as he made his way to the office.

The room was spacious, with a desk, cabinets, a stretcher and some anatomic models. A typical physiotherapist office, he guessed — not like Semi had ever been into one before, though.

"Make yourself comfortable, Semi-san" The brunette said as he organized some papers on the desk surface "I see it's your first time here. I'm Ennoshita Chikara, the physiotherapist who will take care of your condition from now on" They both shook hands as Semi sat on the chair. He cursed internally as he felt no force on his right hand.

"So, what brings you here today, Semi-san?" Ennoshita asked, eyeing Semi's right hand.

The grey haired male gulped before handing the folder to the physiotherapist.

"Here, this is the medical report. Shirabu-sensei made sure to specify everything regarding my hand." The brunette hummed before taking it. Semi couldn't muster up the courage to talk about his condition.

"I know, Semi-san. But I need to hear it for the history taking and you may know acceptance can help you through the recovery process" The apologetic tone made him sick.

"I don't want to talk about it. Could you please just proceed with the therapy?"

"Look, I know it's a sensitive topic but—" The therapist was interrupted mid sentence when Semi stood. The chair screeched on the floor at the sudden movement before the male tried to snatch the folder from the other.

Tried.

The paper sheets scattered on the floor, since he couldn't take a proper grip on them.

Tears of frustration welled up on his eyes, as he murmured a meek apology only to storm out of the place.

Semi Eita felt the pitying eyes following him all the way back to his house.

At home, he felt in peace.

No sympathetic gazes and no condescending words. Just him alone with his own demons.

I need a bath. And a beer, the gray haired man decided as the weak hand carded through his hair locks. He flinched at the touch, feeling how dull it was — tactless, even. Just a bundle of flesh and bones hanging from his wrist. Nothing like it used to be.

Ignoring the pang on his chest, the man walked through the corridor. By his left, he saw a shining glass door and immediately, a sensation of longing crawled up his spine and clawed at his heart. He opened the tinted surface, entering the room.

The music studio was the same way he left on the accident day: the gray hoodie thrown over the chair, the paper cups of coffee scattered over his desk and the Moleskine with the lyrics he wrote that night. They resembled three months of hard work and the whole place, a sanctuary built of his dreams.

Too bad the room now felt like his own private purgatory.

Running his index finger over the notebook's leathery spine, memories invaded his mind. Regret gnawed on him even though he wasn't at fault — well, who would have predicted that going to get cigarettes late at the night would end up in a near-death experience? Who would've guessed that, on the way back to his condo, a drunk fucker would hit him with his car and vanish from the scene, without calling an ambulance?

If the medical help came sooner, would things be different? He often wondered, even though he knew it couldn't be helped. His friend, doctor Shirabu, said the damage on his arm was too extensive with a chance of recovery little to nonexistent. His heart stopped beating when he heard those words.

Looking back at it, Semi Eita regretted getting out of his house for such a trivial thing. Before, the musician had his dreams to push him through. Now, all he had left was a medical report — written in a horrendous handwriting, if he may add — stating that patient Semi Eita suffered a minor brain damage and multiple broken bones that caused a lower motor neuron syndrome with wallerian degeneration on the median nerve of his right arm — he didn't understand a shit about the medical terms, but he knew it was bad. Well, it's not like paralysed fingers in the form of 'the hand of benediction' could be a good outcome of an accident.

Benediction? More like a curse, he scowled.

Snapping out of his internal turmoil, brown orbs wandered over the music studio, eyeing all his equipment, as the man drowned on the nostalgic feeling.

On the far corner of the room, white tiles smiled at him — Though, it wasn't a sign of sympathy: in the far corner of the room, the black piano was smiling in mockery, as if it laughed at him, knowing his condition.

You'll never play again, The piano said

"I know!" He retorted.

Your career is dead, the piano chanted.

"I know!"

So pitiful, it snickered — and that was the last straw before despair washed through his body.

Semi spotted the electric guitar by his left. Grabbing the instrument by its neck, he threw it at the other. The wooden body crashed onto the keyboard, the ivory keys agonized at the violence.

Not that he cared, though. He was hurting a lot more than the piano did.

And the tears running down his face were proof enough of it.

Absorbed in his self-conscious state, he didn't see you entering the room, eyes roaming over the mess he made.

"Oh my, Eita!" And his body crashed into yours, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Eita, love" You said softly, testing the waters.

"Get out" He pleaded weakly, both of you still slumped over the carpet of his studio. Your boyfriend stopped crying long ago, but sorrow still covered his face.

The sight was heartbreaking.

"You know I won't" You said, holding him tighter.

"[Name], get the fuck out!" He said an octave louder, pushing you away "The last thing I want now is your pity. And I don't want you to see me like this, either" Ever the proud man he was, hatred laced his voice — and even though you knew it wasn't directed at you and that he didn't mean it, it still hurted.

"I won't leave you. And I don't pity you" You sincerely stated.

"So why the fuck you're looking at me like this?" Hazel irises squinted at you, the hands clutching your shoulder tightened their grip — the hold on your right felt a lot more stronger.

"I'm worried" And then, he laughed.

Hysterically.

Almost scaringly.

"Why waste your time, huh?" You tried to retort, he beated you to it.

"Why bother with a failure for a boyfriend, hm?"

"Eita"

"What's left to you, huh? I bet you're leaving me now that my fucking career went downhill and I won't be famous anymore" The venom of his words scorched your ears.

Throwing insults at you, Semi didn't measure his words and nor did you measure your actions. A second after, all the two of you felt was the stinging flesh.

Of your hand.

Of his cheek.

"So you'll just sit here and cry?" You grabbed him by the collar, eyes boring into his "Shirabu himself said there was a chance. Are you giving up this easily?"

"Shirabu said there was a slight chance" He corrected you, saliva was sprayed over your skin when he screamed at your face.

"And you'll just take it, giving up without a try?" You were so done. The Semi you knew wasn't a spineless man who gave up so easily.

"You don't know how it feels!" He cracked again, the cry went past his mouth, wavering on the air. Your features softened as your hands moved upwards, cradling his face.

"I don't" The words came ragged "But please, don't give up without pulling out a good fight. You're not acting like yourself"

"It's just so hard. You don't get how empty I feel" The man before you was nothing like your Eita.

"For fuck's sake, Eita. Try the surgery and if it doesn't work, wait for the physical therapy results. If it still doesn't work, learn to play with the other hand, goddammit" You leaned onto him, joining your foreheads "Just don't give up. Back to our Shiratorizawa years, you said you wanted to rely on your own strength to show you abilities, because you desire to do things were always too strong. You prided yourself for being free when showing off, then why are you letting this situation hold you down?"

"It's hard. It's like I'm dying, but feels much more worse than that" Words came in a whisper, still reluctant to consider the options.

"But did you die? Did your talent die?" You lightly shook his body, trying to infuse some energy into it "Did you, all of sudden, forget how to make music?" And he saw determination painted in the hue of your irises.

"But—" He tried to argue.

"No buts, even if you can't play in the band, you can still be a producer. Don't let life reap your art away from you" You pleaded, hoping your words could somehow touch him.

Peeking into his face, you observed its features softening as you felt his muscles relaxing under your palms and your boyfriend reciprocating your loving touches.

Your heart was finally at ease.

"How come you always know what to say in the right time, even if it's cliché as fuck?" Eyelids covered the orbs you loved so much as the words were spoken in a serene mode.

Semi Eita felt peace.

You tucked the broader body inside of your arms, caressing the lean muscles of his shoulders.

"There's a reason why, other than my pretty face, I'm your muse" He playfully scoffed at you, tightening the hold on your waist.

"Who said you are?" You ignored his words, paying attention to the hair locks under your chin "[Name]?" He started uncertain.

"Hm?"

"You're right. Guess if I didn't die in the accident, it's only fair if I don't let my life as an artist go away either" His soft-spoken words meant everything to you.

Relief washed over you as your heartbeat increased in your chest. But the most important was how you could feel Semi's heart beating again.

I'm in my workroom, it's my studio/ The waves go darkly by in a throe/ But I'll never get dragged away again

Taglist: @anseoo @keiijiis @inarizakikoukou @deerixiie @bristil @maramalademadara @thedreadthreadanomaly @catharsisbabey @aprettyfruit @ttsukii @chasekudo @kenmashoe @daijoubuyuki @krusty-cheetahs @ohmythatmiya

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thegeekystrategist · 5 years ago

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Okay, I'm coming to the full moon scene late. I get it. But I'm here, and I'm so glad I waited. I wasn't ready to hear these messages a couple days ago, but I was ready today. (Tonight. 2am.) Ever have that happen to you? Energy is weird, but I just roll with it.

And I rolled right into the Wild Unknown tonight.

Anyway, this isn't my original spread. I got this from @newagehipster333 (I think. I gotta go verify it's the right account haha.)

I'll unpack this. I didn't plan to, but, hey, that Daughter of Pentacles is just staring at me and coaxing me to continue. (Yeah, I get it. I need to be more open and vulnerable.)

So, where I am right now. Definitely can be described by the 5 of Cups. Not sure a better card could've nailed it. That whole head fog feeling from over thinking, depression, constant anxiety, doubting myself, and the whole "wtf am I even doing" --- yeah, that's me right now. Every so often, I feel like I just fall asleep for awhile. I know it's a trauma-based reaction, but I envision a fully conscious, vibrant life where I'm always awake and present. I'm coming out of this brain fog, but it's definitely still there. (Hence the reason the timing for this reading was SO critical.)

What I need to remember and know --- really KNOW in my soul --- is the Wheel of Fortune. This isn't going to last forever. There are highs and lows in life. And even though I'm at a low (emotionally, mentally, physically, energetically), shit is going to turn around. I might not know when, how, or why, but it's going to turn. And then turn again. It's a message of not getting too comfortable either stewing in my own shit or when I'm flying high. There's a lot of hope and optimism in this card.

And what needs to be released, well, come on. Could I have reasonably expected ANY OTHER CARD? No. Limiting beliefs, lack of self-worth, and bad headspaces have caged me far too long. I. Am. Done. Time to shed these self-imposed limits and emerge like the beautiful monarch I can be. It's time to fly, my friends.

Okay, if you know me, I'm NOT a delicate flower or anything like a duckling. I've gone through some tough stuff in my life, and I continue to show up every day like I'm in battle. (Is it any wonder why I'm burned out and in massive head fog right now? Battle takes it toll.) But this Daughter of Cups is just what I need to call in. In my own way. My way isn't becoming that delicate flower. It's showing my battle scars and standing proud of what I've gone through. It's standing up like the fierce warrior mama that I am and showing other single moms they can do the hard things too. It's going to get dirty. It's going to be messy. There will be tears. But, dammit, we are strong. The Daughter of Cups isn't telling me to so much as soften but to open. Allow. Connect. Get vulnerable.

(And between you and me, I have something I've been keeping close to my chest lately that I've been creating for these warrior mamas. Guess what? Time. To. Launch.)

Ah, my intention needs to be centered around the 4 of Pentacles. This card unfairly gets a bad rep. I actually like and appreciate this card. Usually, it's connected to misers and hoarders and people who just want to hold onto all their physical possessions (money, mostly). But I see it as having a firm foundation, and you know what, that's exactly what I need to focus on right now. Getting stable. Claiming and stepping into my personal power. (Which is exactly the action step for what I need to release, which is on the opposite side of this card. Funny how that works out, huh?) It's also telling me to BALANCE the different areas of my life. I'm so imbalanced now. So, focusing on physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of my life, envisioning what a balance would look like, and taking practical steps to getting that because they are all interconnected. It's also pointing to creating a structure and routine, which I am craving right now. (And so are my kids.) This card has so many layers of messages for me right now, which means it's such the perfect intention card.

And finally, the magic-maker card (which I totally love!) is the Father of Pentacles. I love how the intention is the 4 of Pentacles, but throughout this moon cycle, it grows and matures into the Father (King) of Pentacles. It's actually quite beautiful and poetic to see that direct journey. So, the magic in all this -- when I slough off the limiting beliefs and thoughts that no longer serve me, when I step into my personal power and open my heart, when I come to believe that this is all just a phase and it will shift, and when I take measured actions to create that new solid foundation -- watch out because I will become powerful. A powerful manifestor. A powerful guide and influential leader. Someone who shows up with consistency and reliability. Someone who has EARNED those antlers and deserves to stand tall in self-worth and competency. It's showing me the person I CAN become -- if I do the work to get there. (And there's a lot of inner and outer work to be done.) I love that my higher self chose to show me the magic of the vision, who I can become if I persist. It all leads to this Father of Pentacles. This vision that became attainable as a goal.

And the imagery is NOT subtle here. Right now, the horse is dejected and looking downward, hanging its head. It doesn't feel worthy, and neither do I. There is so much lack, pain, sadness. But the beauty of this transformation, the magic, is the opposite. The deer is holding his head up now. There is confidence exuding, and it's calm and collected confidence. It's a surety that this is right. Not boastful, not egotistical. It came from putting in the work, and so it's deserving.

So, that's what's happening THIS month over here. I'd love to hear your experience with this spread and how you plan on using it to take steps forward.

As for me, I'm going to:

1. Journal daily and write 3 things I'm grateful for every morning and again every evening so I see the abundance around me.

2. Paying attention to when limiting beliefs/thoughts pop up that no longer serve me and replacing them with 5 new positive thoughts.

3. Sharing my story and going live once a week to connect openly with my audience. (I'll be doing this on Facebook. Feel free to find and add me.)

4. Getting strategic with my life, filling out my calendar with dated goals, and creating a weekly routine to follow. Focusing on each of the 4 areas every single day by meeting small goals in each area daily.

5. Writing a list of 5 skills I need to learn to do what I do best, and working at one of them to become competent and confident.

Those are my 5 promises from now until the next full moon. I'll check in at the new moon, but I want to go full to full and measure the progress over 28 days of focused, consistent, clear action that is purposeful.

#theintuitiveveganintrovert #tarot community #full moon tarot #tarotreading #the wild unknown #self improvement #personal development #tarot journal #shadow work #momprenuerlife #warrior mom

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ais-n · 6 years ago

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i'm not sure if you've answered this before but what are your personal feelings towards vivienne? at the beginning i hated her but towards the end i grew to appreciate her characterisation, her evolution as a character, and what can i say i'm a sucker for bitchy female characters!!

Man, I love her! She’s one of my favorite characters I’ve ever written. I know she’s super controversial and most people HAAAAAATE her, and I can completely understand why because first of all, she’s pretty much the worst mother on the planet lol And I can totally understand why people who like Boyd or want to protect him are pissed at her. There’s very good reason. Plus secondly, she doesn’t even attempt to be nice to pretty much anyone. She’s logical almost to the point of ruthlessness. There are many reasons for people to not be a fan of her, but she knows that and she still is who she is because that’s who she is. And, as I get into, that’s one of the things I like about her.

One reason I love her is probably because she’s so different from me and I find that to be fun and freeing to write. The thing I like is that she basically kicks a lot of gender stereotypes in the balls. She isn’t the soft and loving mother who constantly self-sacrifices for her kids; she’s much more interested in her career than anything. She actually didn’t even ever want kids at all. As a woman who also does not like nor want kids, I know people give you CONSTANT shit for that, like you’re only as worthy as your uterus, and frankly that pisses me off a lot. So to be able to explore those frustrations in a character who gives no shits about upsetting other people is kind of fun, since I would typically not say the things she would right to peoples’ faces lol

Also, she’s in a male-dominated profession but didn’t let anything make her compromise her personal morals. I mean, her moral scale is quite a bit different from most people lol But she’s very honorable, in a lot of ways - the problem is just that her viewpoint is so skewed from the norm that her morality doesn’t really match others, and so when she honors that morality it’s also her sometimes seeming super fucked up to others.

One of the things I love the most about her is she really doesn’t care what other people think. I mean, she’s weird about looking presentable, as we have seen in her talking shit to Boyd when like a hair is out of place. I made the Queen Vivienne comic years ago for a reason:

((MORE BEHIND CUT BECAUSE I RAMBLED LIKE WHOA))

(You can read the rest of it/ the whole thing here if you want)

It was a joke but it was based on an exaggeration of her reality. However, despite her being so focused on that, she is otherwise completely uncaring in other directions. She doesn’t care if people think she’s a heinous bitch no matter what she says or does, because to her that’s unimportant noise. She cares about doing what is best for the long term, and what makes sense to her.

There’s a level of confidence she has that I don’t think I could ever achieve, and I appreciate having that in a female character when so often women are taught to be polite and hesitant and submissive and all these “feminine” qualities instead.

Because she is this way, what I find fascinating about writing her is that she’s actually almost too good at achieving her goals. She doesn’t bother to do any PR for herself, she just focuses on that for her job and her company. Because of that, all her life, people (other characters, I mean, not readers) don’t realize or recognize the things she does that are actually really helpful or good. (Things like her being the reason Hsin’s collar was removed and he was able to leave the Agency compound unaccompanied, and the box being destroyed, and him being given psychological help more consistently)

To her, it isn’t important. But to others, it could be relevant information.

There’s a scene in Julian Files that references this –

...

Wait… what??? I thought I had released this chapter forever ago…. did I never? wtf I can’t find it posted online.

UGH. Ok well. hmm. That kind of fucks up me excerpting it because you need context… but the book wasn’t at that point chronologically yet so I hadn’t posted it….

UGGGGHHHHH

Maybe I’ll release it as a standalone chapter. Would you be interested? Basically, it’s a scene that shows that side of Vivienne; her doing something good but refusing to let anyone give her credit for it. She comments about her reasons for why she’s so focused on outward appearance in that scene too, I realized when I tracked down the chapter to figure out if it was online.

Anyway I threw myself off by discovering that chapter isn’t online so now I forgot the other reasons I like her. But I will say one other thing I like is that she is very good at planning and executing those plans. She is super good at being aware of what’s happening and as a result she can usually maneuver through and around difficult situations without taking direct damage. I also like that although her logical side can seem ruthless at times, it also means she is able and willing to change her mind or reevaluate things with new information. Which means she has a chance for character development at any given time.

Also, she tried to stop the cycle of abuse in the generations of her family which I appreciate, but she wasn’t very successful because too much shit went down at once and it twisted her view of everything and she grew to hate Boyd. But if you go back to her childhood, she had a good one when she was with her parents and her maternal grandmother, but when they were all taken from her at a young age, she grew up from then on with a really bitter grandmother who said and did a lot of shit that was damaging. It’s possible Vivienne would have been the same without that influence, but I don’t think so. I think she would have remained a bit softer, less guarded, and a bit more emotionally daring - because her mother, father, and maternal grandmother, were all very free-spirited, loving people. But her paternal grandmother, who ultimately raised her after she was orphaned, was pretty much the exact opposite. There’s definitely a fair amount of her coldness that came from growing up around that grandmother. And I say Vivienne at least tried to stop the cycle of abuse because although Vivienne was always very distant from Boyd and was verbally/mentally abusive at times, she didn’t physically hurt him like her grandmother did her. Vivienne’s grandma was verbally and mentally abusive, as well as physically. For example, she used to drown Vivienne in the bathtub until Viv could make it through without showing any emotion on her face. Only then would she be allowed up to gasp for air. Things like that.

So, although from Boyd’s perspective Vivienne was a shit mother who caused him a lot of pain and who also abandoned him when he needed her most - from Vivienne’s perspective, she knew after all those years she couldn’t be a good mother, or really any sort of mother at all. She left Boyd alone because she couldn’t deal with him, but also because the small part of her that was motherly toward him wanted to give him his best chance. And she knew she would only make it worse if she was around him. She was trying to do him a favor by walking away. Whether or not that actually was a kindness remains to be seen. After all, someone shouldn’t get accolades just for not physically harming their child, since that should be a given. Especially if that person harmed that child in other ways. Her not doing worse things doesn’t make her a good person - it just means she wasn’t, generally, malicious in her ways.

In other words, some actions of Vivienne’s that seem really heartless from the outside (like walking away from your young child who recently lost his father and just wants to be loved), can actually have intentions and reasons that are much different from her perspective. They may even be really good ones. But you’d never know it, because she will never tell you. And even if you find it out, she will likely dismiss it as unimportant.

Because to her, seeking the approval of others is the stupidest waste of time. If people are going to judge you, she figures, then they aren’t worth your time anyway. Use that for better efforts instead.

I have no idea if any of this makes any sense.... I’m having one of those days where I’m suddenly exhausted and falling asleep at the keyboard so here’s to hoping so a cohesive post lol

I guess the tl;dr to this is I totally get why people don’t like her, but maybe because I know what she’s thinking and what she’s done (both good and bad), I like her a lot.

#Anonymous #ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #vivienne beaulieu

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