#I'll be honest I kind of forgot about the post until I saw this ask and I got really happy haha

[olive-riggzey]

I saw your reblog of my bird post! :) Thanks for answering!

Just a few more questions - could you tell me more about nightjars in general? Would it be possible to keep them as pets? I actually had to Google them because I didn’t know what they were before, but I think they're neat!

Thanks!!

Oh hi!! I'm glad I could help! :}

I love nightjars a lot, but unfortunately the consensus is that they would make very bad pets haha (and not just because they kind of have a bad reputation in a lot of cultures, kind of like how crows are seen as "birds of death") Also some species are endangered, so you wouldn’t be able to keep those ones, anyways.

But I will gladly take this opportunity to tell you more about nightjars >:}

Nightjars are pretty much all nocturnal, although they'll go out around dawn and dusk to hunt (depending on the species). Interestingly enough, they have been observed to lay their eggs in tandem with the full moon (usually one week after the full moon happens). Nobody seems to be super sure why this happens??? But they usually have pretty small clutches, and they nest on the ground!

Sorry, did I say "nest"? I mean they just lay their eggs on the ground. No nest required! (And you thought pigeons were lazy.)

They like to hang around livestock to eat the bugs around them, or they'll sit near street lamps (sometimes on the road!) at night to catch moths and whatnot that hang around the light. Their eyes reflect light, so they are pretty easy to see in the dark if you’re paying attention. They fly very quietly, though!

I'll stop there to keep this short-ish, but if you have any more questions about birds, please feel free to ask! I love birds so much and I'll always be willing to talk about them haha

[ashxketchum]

Taiora - Hugging them from behind.

Is it ok to ask for Sora to be the one hugging Taichi?

+ smirking in a way that suggests more requested by @xnananko

Thank you for the request Anon, and for letting me know that you wanted Sora to be the one to initiate the hug. Though I'll be honest, when I first saw the notification of the ask, I could only read the first part and I'd already decided that Sora would be the one hugging so I'm glad our thoughts matched up 💖

This fic is set in a post adventure canon divergent au aka no 02/tri/kizuna/epilogue etc 😌

Hope you guys like reading it, posting something Taiora related after 7 months 😅

🧡~~❤️

Taichi would be lying to himself if he said that he had remembered Sora’s birthday correctly.

In fact, in the week leading up to it, he kept thinking he was forgetting something important but couldn’t put a finger on it. Until he arrived at school that morning and passed by Sora’s classroom, almost doing a double take noticing the crowd that had gathered inside. He’d always known that she was the kind of girl who made friends with people easily, but it was when he saw seniors and juniors alike handing her little packages and wishing her enthusiastically did Taichi realise, that maybe he didn’t know Sora all that well after all. He’d quickly made his way back to his own classroom, a little grateful that they weren’t in the same class this year and he could take this time to think about how he was going to make it up to her.

A distant memory of a failed gift from his childhood appeared in Taichi’s mind, how when he’d assumed what was better for Sora without asking her how she felt, it left her feeling upset with him during a crucial Digimon attack. He reminded himself to not make a mistake like that again, lest a wormhole opened up above their school and dropped more evil Digimon which Sora might refuse to fight against together with him.

All jokes aside, Taichi knew that he had to act and act fast. He texted Koushiro casually, asking him if he’d gotten anything for Sora at school, trying to make it seem like that he just wanted to check whether it was better to hand over the gift later, outside of school. His friend replied almost instantly, stating that he’d handed his gift to the birthday girl right at the school entrance this morning. Taichi tried his best not to curse under his breath, he’d seen a glimpse of Mimi’s pastel hair in Sora’s classroom, so he knew there was no point in asking the chirpy brunette. So as a last resort, he turned in his seat and came face to face with his best friend.

“You forgot Sora’s birthday,” Yamato muttered dryly, not looking up from the book he was reading, as if this conversation didn’t deserve that honour.

“Yeah.” Taichi accepted his fault, knowing that there was no point in trying to hide the truth from someone as observant as Yamato.

“And?” Yamato turned the page of the book he was reading and still did not seem as invested enough in this problem as Taichi would like him to be.

“Did you get her anything?”

“I’m dating her best friend, Taichi, so of course we got her a gift. As a matter of fact, we handed it over to her yesterday itself.” Yamato stated this as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and it was Taichi’s fault that he hadn’t figured it out yet.

“And you didn’t think of reminding me?” Taichi asked, exasperated by his best friend’s cold behaviour.

“What am I? Your assistant?”

“No, I’d like to think you’re my best friend, but apparently not.” Taichi gritted his teeth and turned away from Yamato, letting his head drop on his desk with a loud thud that scared some of his classmates seated around him.

“Just go to the convenience store during lunch and buy her some chocolates.” Yamato offered in a much softer tone than before, maybe the best friend comment seemed to get to him.

“It’s Sora! I can’t just buy her cheap chocolates for her birthday.”

As much as he wanted to hide his guilt and frustration with himself, it was hard to keep the emotions in when he felt so helpless. With his current track record of gifting stupid stuff to Sora, he wanted to make sure that this time around he’d get her something she would truly like. Of course, to do that he should’ve strived to remember her birthday correctly in the first place. However, Taichi still felt that if he had time on his side, he could make up for this blunder and walk up to Sora with the perfect gift in his hand. Maybe Yamato had figured his intentions out too, because he heard his friend sigh loudly behind him.

“I’ll help you in avoiding her today,” Yamato said.“Just make sure you go buy a gift after school and hand it over to her in the evening.”

“You’d do that for me?” Taichi raised his head and looked at Yamato with shining eyes.

“Yes. I am your best friend right?” Yamato smirked as he turned his attention back to his book.

It seemed that Yamato and Mimi were addicted to texting each other in between classes, which is how his best friend was able to figure out Sora’s schedule for the day, and that made hiding from her a very simple task for Taichi. He managed to keep his profile low the entire day, only stepping out from the comfort of his classroom when it was time for his afternoon soccer practice. But he wasn’t worried about getting caught then since most of the school would’ve emptied by the time his practice was over and Yamato had mentioned something about Sora making plans with Mimi for the evening.

And that’s why, as practice went on and Taichi completely immersed himself in the sport, he let his guard down, ruining all the effort he’d put into staying under the radar during school hours.

He stood gulping down water from his sipper at the edge of the soccer field. Their Coach had wrapped up practice with a few words of advice and while most of his teammates were heading back to the locker room, he considered if he should stay back for about thirty minutes to work on his weak points. He’d already figured out what he would buy for Sora, so he knew he wouldn’t take too much time in getting the gift to her, which should free up some extra time for soccer right now. The sun had only just begun to set and Taichi viewed the orange hue that had started to spread across the skyline with a hint of confusion.

Before he could reach a decision, however, he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist.

Taichi felt his whole body tremble as a familiar and sweet, flowery scent reached him along with the warmth that spread across his back as someone pressed themselves against it. He was frozen to the spot and colour rushed into his cheeks when he looked down and noticed the slender arms that now rested comfortably around his waist. The dimmed rays of sunlight made the beige coloured skin shine like bronze, making his fingers twitch with an ache to trace his name slowly across her arm.

“Gotcha!” A soft giggle reached his ears as he felt a chin rest upon his shoulder.

Taichi tried his best to not jump as an electric sensation ran across his body through his ears, the part where Sora’s breath had tickled against his skin still buzzing. His heart began to beat fast when the fact that Sora’s chest was now touching his back registered in his panic stricken mind.

Deep down he didn’t mind the proximity, especially when Sora had been the one to initiate it.

He was used to letting his hand brush past hers or bumping his shoulder with hers when they walked side by side. He didn’t try to hold himself back when he sat next to her, letting his knee rest by hers, letting his head fall onto her shoulder for a quick nap. He never hesitated to take her hand into his own when they walked through crowded streets or ran to get to school on time. However, Sora had never done anything like this before, sure she played along with him when he tried it, but in those few moments when he expected this of her, she’d shy away by averting her gaze or moving further apart.

Something about today must really be different for Sora to suddenly hug him from behind like this.

With all the willpower he could muster, Taichi pried her hands away from his body carefully and took a few step forwards, so he could turn around and face her with a nervous smile.

“Happy Birthday.”

“Thank you.” She returned his smile in full, cherry eyes filled with excitement as she looked at him.

“You’re quite the popular girl today, huh?” Taichi joked, an attempt to hide the anxiousness of being caught before he had the time to get her a gift.

“Is that why you didn’t come to see me all day today?” Sora folded her arms across her chest, tilting her head as she passed him a confused look.

“Yeah.” He lied, swallowing the nervous gulp in his throat with great difficulty, “Almost couldn’t find you, what with your ladies in waiting forming a wall around you.”

Sora narrowed her eyes at him, he could see the gears in her mind turning as she dissected his words and behaviour. He squirmed under her gaze, finding it difficult to hold his ground, he looked up at the sky instead and started to whistle in a low tune. If Sora hadn’t figured out he was trying to hide something from her till now, he knew that this would’ve definitely given him away. As expected, in the next moment she shook her head and sighed tiredly.

“You forgot it was my birthday today, didn’t you?”

“No, I did not! I totally remembered, you just looked so busy-”

“Oh, Taichi please don’t lie to me today.” She interrupted him with a raised hand and he hated how disappointed she sounded. This was the exact opposite of how he’d expected their conversation to go once he finally decided to face her today.

“Just admit that you forgot, I won’t be mad at you,” Sora said, letting her hands drop to her side so she could fidget with the hem of her uniform skirt.

“I didn’t forget.” Taichi reasserted, though he had no idea from where he was getting the guts to lie so confidently. “I...I even- I even prepared an amazing gift for you.”

Since he’d already dug a hole for himself with the first lie, Taichi decided that he might as well dig a little deeper. Looking at the sudden spark of interest that spread across Sora’s face, he felt more motivated to keep going with the plan he’d just come up with a few seconds ago, despite how utterly crazy and reckless it was.

“Really?” She asked him, eyes wide with hope as she stared at him.

“Yeah. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I should get you this year.” Taichi cleared his throat and took a step forward, reducing the distance between them slightly, “But nothing I saw seemed like the perfect gift that I know you deserve, so I came up with something else. Something...something I couldn’t have given you in front of everyone else.”

The sun had pretty much disappeared against the tall skyscrapers of Tokyo, which left the sky drenched in deep shades of purples and oranges. The violet hues danced off of Sora’s auburn hair, surrounding her with a reddish glow that made it hard for Taichi to look away from. Her bright eyes were fixed on him, anticipation bubbling through them as a pink tint spread across her cheeks. What he was about to do next scared him slightly, but looking at her right now, when she was surrounded by a mesmerising radiance that beckoned Taichi to come closer, he knew that he was taking the right step.

This might not be the gift he’d originally thought of, but it was still a perfect gift nonetheless.

With that thought, Taichi took another step forward to close the distance between them.

He cupped Sora’s chin in his hand and tilted her face upwards, pressing his lips to hers gently. He smiled against her lips when he felt both her hands clutch onto his t-shirt as he leaned deeper into the kiss. A soft moan reached his ears when he used his tongue to caress her lips, tasting her orange-flavoured lip balm. He raised his other hand and traced his fingers across her cheek, feeling her soft skin at his fingertips just so he could remind himself that this wasn’t a dream, but he really was standing on the school soccer field and kissing Sora.

The thought jolted awake his rational side and Taichi pulled away from the kiss abruptly, darting his head around to check if they were being watched. He sighed with relief when he noticed that the lights were out in the school building and the field was completely deserted as well. When he turned his attention back to Sora, he saw that she was still clinging to his chest as pouted up at him.

“So..uh..yeah, happy birthday,” Taichi murmured as he avoided looking at her eyes, feeling the repercussion of his bold move flood to his cheeks in the form of a hot flush.

“Hm. I wouldn’t consider it a happy birthday yet,” Sora said as her lips curved upwards and she let her gaze drop to his lips.

“Uh, I don’t understand-”

“Come on, Taichi,” Sora smirked at him as she stood on her toes so she could lean closer towards him. A mischievous glint danced across her dark, rosy eyes as her smile and low tone suggested more than what her innocent words let on, “You can still give me a better gift than that, right?”

Taichi held his breath for a moment, waiting to see if Sora would laugh and push him away, claiming that she was just joking. But when her eyes stayed fixed on his face and her hands continued to hold onto his chest tightly, he allowed himself to grin as he snaked one arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him.

“The birthday girl’s wish is my command.”

🧡~~❤️

[overnightheartbeats]

"Okay okay. We'll agree to disagree," she said in response to Julia's observations of her roommate. Laurel didn't really get any odd vibe from Jenny, so she didn't really understand where she was coming from. And given that she was in a school housing contract with the girl for the school year, she rather not dig into it. They were friendly, that was okay with her, though she did keep a decent distance with her. Nowhere near as close as she was with Julia. Besides, she wanted to continue focusing on her boy talk, missing the days they'd spend giggling on the couch gushing about dumb boys, Julia's boyfriend included. A constellation picture? Did he share that interest with her? That was exciting, and something she wanted to ask about next time she saw him. Then again, he'd probably be confused how she even knew. Stalker alert. The Chicago mention caused a winning buzzer to go off in her head, "yup! that's him. I forgot to mention that, he recently moved from Chicago."

Eli C. Phillips, that was his name. Woah. It hadn't occurred to her that they only exchanged first names, but nothing more. Still, Juju's skills were unmatched because she was providing her everything. She listened to her best friend as she perused through his social media. "Yeah, that is something. Everyone loves posting about relationships online." She felt the phone buzz in her hand, and knew Julia had just sent her Eli's instagram. "He is an interesting one, isn't he? Very different from the other college guys I've met here so far."

Her head leaned back against her bed frame, knowing that Julia was right once again. A heavy sigh fell from her lips, feeling like her head was spinning. It had only been a few days, and this guy was already taking over her mind. Almost like her head had been spinning she met him. "Yeah that's true. Well, he did pay attention to me the whole time. It was a good time, really. The only odd part is the way he runs away and the date mention. Or, maybe he's just running away from me," she joked with a laugh. "I am honest," she defended completely amused. Her smile was betraying her, face completely flushed once more both with her own comment about going to his room, but also just the babygirl mention. Of course, Julia was clocking every single thing. "I wouldn't mind it at all, I don't know - I think it'd sound nice coming from him. He does have a bit of an accent."

"What?" She asked innocently, though quickly shrugged right after and grinned. "I know, I know. Probably not the smartest thing to follow a guy to his room on the first date. I don't know, just an impulsive thought." Then again, not even a proper date. "You know I'd do anything for you too, go to war if I need to," she asserted. "Can you? You should totally convince him, then we can be neighbors and hang out everyday! At least we still talk everyday, but it's not the same. I miss my sister. Or at least visit me! I'll go out to visit y'all soon too, but Texas is not too bad this time of year." Laurel knew that it was not likely they would transfer here. They were building a life out there, and Aaron was too close to family to move. Asking to visit each other was the next best thing. "Oh, totally. That's understandable. Yup yup, after all those classes, you need your rest. Well, I'm here to keep you company until he arrives! I'm not sleepy at all." Even if she was two hours ahead. Admitting she liked him so quickly after meeting him was bizarre to her. This was not a feeling she was familiar with, but there were no other words to describe it. "Yeah," a chuckle escaping her as she agreed. "I guess I do like him. Huh, you do say to be realistic, you're feeling hopeful. I will, maybe tomorrow. I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't get his number, so kind of at the mercy of running into him again. Or, would it be weird to show up at the diner again? That seems intense, no? I also should probably pass that physics test before I worry about securing a date."

Funny and smart. Not words used to describe college boys. This was already proving to be exciting. Though she let laurel fully explain before she interjected. The way she spoke it was different than when she came back from that date with the other guy. This made her more animated and made her show it in more than words. "I am nice. It's just her vibe I don't love." Juju would always be honest when people's vibes didn't check out. Nine times out of ten she was right but there was something she couldn't place on her that freaked her out. But for the Laurel's sake she nodded. "It depends on what you do know. Okay, Eli," she flipped her phone and took a shot in the dark and saw if his name got a hit. Scrolling through she found two possible matches. "Okay, one has an Instagram and the other doesn't. You said he's a genius at physics? Huh. Well this dude has a constellation picture. Not many pictures of his face. But did post a sidewalk picture and wrote fuck Texas. That him? And also from Chicago."

As she scrolled she found a last name. "Phillips. Something with a C Phillips. Is his last name." Then laughed out loud when she saw another caption. "You're right. He's funny. He likes to draw apparently. Scrolling through though he hasn't tagged a girlfriend or boyfriend and in his tagged, he's not have anyone tag him with baby or anything." Socials were telling and she knew that. "Doesn't post much but what he does is like he has something to say." She linked the Instagram over to her and smiled content in her findings.

"Lala. Doesn't matter. When someone is genuinely interested whether it's for a friendship or relationship they don't tend to have wandering eyes. If he paid attention to you when you talked. You know that's a good sign." Shrugging she knew that wasn't what she wanted to hear but it was the best course of action. "If you want straight answers you're gonna have to be honest first. Realistically only boys use it to gaslight people into thinking you're the crazy one. Though, given the fact that you can't stop smiling I'd say you wouldn't mind being called babygirl."

Julia smirked and let out a giggle. "Lala!" After a head nod she enthusiastically said yes. "Of course! I'd do anything for you. You're family. I miss you too. You know what, I could convince Aaron to transfer out there," convincing him to move and also leave his family would make him sad and she knew it. "He's with friends. I'm just waiting on him to come back. I can't sleep without knowing he's home and safe. He had some study group or something. I got out of my last class and didn't look back." she laughed and shook her head. " no not crazy at all. You like him. I know I always say to be realistic but this time I think you may have found something good. You just need to talk to him."

[unterwaesche]

Someone being found by a court as not being able to be charged with a violation because there isn’t enough evidence to legally prove it beyond a reasonable doubt is NOT the same as someone being found to have for sure not committed the violation. Also all those pedo/“jailbait” and racist texts he sent are still real.

(Cont) So: He may well have done it and I didn’t see any proof-positive evidence presented that his accuser lied at all.

For comparison this would be like if I keyed your car and you saw me do it, but there’s 0 evidence I did besides your word and I’m convincing in denying it to a court so I get off free. Does that make you a liar for sure? Does that mean I didn’t do it for sure? Or does it just mean I can’t be convicted of it.

---

I'll be super honest, I'm assuming I've heard and possibly even posted before about his behavior on Twitter, probably because I agreed with the sentiment someone else said (or maybe I said it?) that it doesn't surprise me that the person who wrote Rick and Morty would do that, not because it's a given that someone who writes that way is a creep, but because as far as I managed to watch I kind of picked up on something underneath it all that could have just been my imagination or it might not have been. But I pay so little attention to content creators that I can't even remember the guy's name unless I look it up and I forgot all about that he had been saying a bunch of gross stuff, too.

But like, when curiosity gets the better of me, after seeing a post on here talking about how so-and-so is being a dick on social media or some other such thing that's just vague enough that if you know you know and if you don't it won't mean much to just read it, I'll look up the name for a Wikipedia page and jump to the controversy section just to see what's up. His whole thing with the charges probably stuck with me since it's not all that often that accusations against people like him make it to court.

But as to your actual point, you're right, and I think I assumed when that ask was saying that he was declared innocent that that meant his accuser rescinded the accusation, or admitted that she had made it up, or something along those lines, but I work...maybe not necessarily in the legal field, but adjacent to it, so in my mind if someone is declared innocent that's above and beyond the case being thrown out due to insufficient evidence (I'm just assuming that's what happened, based on the content of your ask). Obviously every defendant is innocent until adjudicated guilty within the scope of the trial, but people have to make their own judgments out in the world.

As a whole I don't have any faith in the legal system. Juries will be biased no matter what the judge tells them before they're sent out for deliberations. The state will hide behind the concept of probable cause to bypass illegal search and seizure. Defendants get any and all prior criminal history marched out if they try to speak on their own behalf, in spite of the fact that nobody is supposed to assume guilt due to prior behavior. Every person in the courtroom knows good and well that they're operating under a fundamentally flawed system that really only gets worse with every reform brought forth to try and improve it.

One thing I must disagree with, though, is that because he creeped on that lady on Twitter that it serves as an indication that there's a higher likelihood he did the assault/kidnapping thing. One of the only things that the justice system gets right is the narrow scope of proceedings, because prior behavior doesn't necessarily mean that what someone is on trial before is more likely to be true.

Personally though, I think that if more people were killed trying to commit these sorts of crimes before they ever got a trial, there wouldn't be nearly as many. Unfortunately you have to be afraid of the state coming down on you for defending yourself half the time anymore.

[imatechbummerliketomholland]

I wish this trip never ends (sstbthw part 2) - h.h

Word count: 3768

Warning: angst, swear, mention of smoking

Pairing : harry holland

Request: no.

N/A: okay, i took me almost a whole month to write this but i'm kinda need to work on school too. Remember, english is not my first language, so be kind if you spot mistakes, i really tried my best. I asked you who the reader was supposed to end up with ... I'll let you figure it out but ... don't hate me for the end ... because after all ... it might not be the end. Don’t hesitate to tell me what you think of the fic! Love you all! xx

taglist : @angeliquekalampoka , @harryhollandsgirlfriend (the one and only harry holland's girlfriend to me)

ღღღ

previously - and you can find part 3

Restoring a relationship of trust and regaining the bond that you both had was particularly difficult. You had to learn to find your place in Harrison's life, but also in his relationship with Grace. You were roommates and friends, but it was complicated to plan meetings with Harrison's busy schedule. Between his job search after the cancellation of his Netflix series, his photo shoots, his dates with Grace, those with his family. It was getting harder and harder to find a moment to reunite with the two of you. It was without counting your schedule.

You were supposed to meet at noon for lunch at that restaurant Harrison told you about where he took his mother earlier this year, for Mother's Day. You felt uncomfortable going to such a place. It was very fancy; you had taken a look at the menu and you knew in advance that you would not be able to afford to split the bill. That was sometimes one of the downsides of being friends with Tom and Harrison. They sometimes forgot that their salary was significantly higher than yours. After all, they were still simple, good-natured guys, never saying no to a quick takeout meal or ordering pizza, drinking a beer at the local pub. And sometimes, they offered to go to prestigious places, not paying attention to money, wanting to please their friends or family.

Currently you were in your room. You were throwing countless of clothes across the room, trying to choose what you could wear to this lunch. Harry stopped dead when one of your dresses flew out of your room, right in front of his nose, blocking his way. You had left your door open and your spontaneity got the better of your best friend.

“Easy, Tiger. I had no idea your clothes had the capacity of Dr. Strange's cape.” He joked before coming into your bedroom.

You turned to find Harry leaning against your doorframe, a smirk encrusted on his face. You gave him an unamused frown and his smile widened. This wasn’t funny at all; you were stressed as hell. It’s not like you still had feelings for Harrison and try to impress him – to be honest, you still had feeling for your friend, but not as intense as before, you had drawn a definitive line on the possibility of a romantic relationship with him, which had helped you a lot. – But you didn’t want to be dressed down and looked like a clown.

“Come on Munchkin, it’s just a lunch. At worst, Harrison can still make it looks like he invited you out for charity, sort of “Make a Wish” event” Harry joked, in his significant humor.

“Go to hell, Robert. Don’t you have a pack bag to make, mister “I’m going to Spain to help my superstar brother to hold his tea while he’s filming”?”

“Rude… I’m a film director, now”

Not for that, you thought to yourself, but don't have the balls to tell your best friend. You didn't want to take this joke too far. You smiled at his cute pretending offended face. You pouted mockingly before biting your lip. You loved the dynamics of your relationship so much. Your humor, sarcasm, your outspokenness, that's what brought you together. Harry pulled you lightly from your closet with a comforting wink. He chose Yves Saint Laurent poppy red wool jersey flared pants that Tom gave you on your birthday. You smiled at his choice. You liked these pair of pants because they were sparkling with vitality, the color was flamboyant. Harry then gave you a satin pearl-colored shirt from Zara and you laughed at the drastic brand difference.

“Oh I see. A classy look but no more than £ 1000 that's pretty smart,” you joked.

The choice of your outfit once again proved the reality of hanging out with wealthy people. You were not poor; you could even be grateful for the life you had had. But it would never occur to you to give your friends clothes that were going over the miles and cents. To be honest, you wanted it. You wanted to live up to the gifts your friends sometimes gave you. But the truth seemed quite different: you had cried over the price of a used Rolex you wanted to give Tom for his birthday. Even having saved for 6 months, you could not afford such a gift.

“Shut up, don’t be so dramatic. Wear that necklace Harrison gave you for Christmas. I’m sure you’ll look fine”

“Thank you,Baz…I guess. ”

You kissed his cheek and then invited him out of your room so you could get ready. It didn't take you more than thirty minutes, time to put on the outfit your best friend had chosen and to put on light makeup. When you were finally ready, you walked to Tom's room. He had offered to take you to the restaurant where you were to join Harrison. But when you got to his ajar door, you could hear the soft sound of a slight snoring. You let out a chuckle before ordering an Uber. You knew he had spent almost a full month in Los Angeles and hadn't returned until early last week. You wanted to leave him as much as possible alone so that he could rest before his trip to Spain for the reshoots of his film Uncharted. Tom was a boy who loved being in touch with those close to him, but you also felt his need to recharge his batteries. That's why you preferred to let him sleep.

You went down to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of water before leaving. When your Uber arrived, you left a note on the refrigerator to let the boys know you were safely gone. It was little everyday things that made you look normal that you enjoy. A post-it on the fridge, a table organizing household chores had been drawn up. Note to yourself; It was Harrison's turn to take care of the laundry.

☙♡❧

You had really hoped this was just a grotesque nightmare. That it wasn't real. He was going to arrive; he was just stuck into the traffic. Isn't it?

But you were there, waiting for over an hour and a half, without any news from your friend. Some people watched you with pity eyes, the others didn't give you any attention. You internally thank Harry for choosing your outfit. You didn't look like a lost kitten in this prestigious setting. It didn't prevent you from being ashamed right now. The waiter had urged you to order several times but you had told him that you were expecting someone, that he would arrive any minute. The last time, you didn't know if you were trying to convince him or yourself.

But it never happened. Harrison never came to your dinner. You were alone, sitting at a table, pathetically waiting for your friend to show up. It didn't look like him. He had never stand you up before. And not to improve this embarrassing moment, the waiter came to you again. This time, with a man in a suit. He was elegant, carried himself proud but diplomatic. They stopped at your table, a tight smile on their faces. No doubt the man in the suit was to be the manager.

"Miss, my employee told me that you seemed to have occupied this table for a while now. I am sorry to tell you that if you do not order a few things, you will have to leave the establishment"

You looked at him with misty eyes. You have never been so ashamed in your life. You just nod your head, not trusting your voice just yet. After taking a deep breath, you finally apologize to them before telling them that you are going to leave. The manager of the restaurant, out of politeness awkwardly apologizing for this uncomfortable situation.

You've finished the Dry Martini that you allowed yourself to, paying for it with whatever pride you have left. You pulled your cellphone out of your purse and decided to call one of the boys. After three rings, he picked up.

"Hey ... can you please pick me up?"

Your voice was shaky, you were so ashamed but it was less distressing than having to walk the Walk of Shame to your house or cry in an uber. You hung up and shared your location. You left the lobby, leaving the restaurant, standing in front of the entrance to the establishment. The air refreshed your cheeks burning with shame. Luckily it wasn't raining today. Which was pretty nice compared to that early summer you had had.

When you saw Harry's car pulled up in front of you, you slid into the passenger seat without a word. The curly redhead gave you a heartwarming smile but you definitely could see a spark of annoyance in his eyes. You sigh, resigned while shrugging your shoulders. It was obvious that your friendship with Harrison was still shaky.

"I'm sorry, love. He's a jerk about it."

Coincidentally, like a mitigating circumstance, your phone vibrated, receiving a notification from Harrison. You were chewing your lip with a sort of anguish and irritation, watching the message the blond had sent you.

"I'm sorry. So sorry. My agent called me for a pretty urgent casting briefing. She's detained me until now. Are you still okay for this dinner?"

You were angry. You were mature enough and had known the boys long enough to understand their obligations. The fact that Harrison had a lastminute meeting with his agent and missed your dinner wasn't a problem. The problem was, he made you wait for over an hour and a half before notifying you. You wanted him to call you to let you know, or a simple text just after he knew for the meeting. You typed a short answer, shorter than this was impossible. "No". You rested your head against the headrest, turning your gaze to your best friend.

"Hey, he's a Netflix star now" you replied to his last words.

Your voice cracked on the last syllables and your eyes filled with tears. You weren't usually that emotional but the anguish and shame really took over you. Harry noticed, unsure of how to instantly respond to your distress. He would have liked to stop on an emergency lane to take you in his arms but he already had 2 penalties to pay, respectively for speeding and prohibited parking ... a third fine would not be really welcome. He simply placed his hand on your thigh, drawing circles on your pants to comfort you. He simply moved his hand to shift gears and instantly rested it on your leg whenever he had the chance. This gesture soothed you, enjoying the touch, grateful to have someone as your best friend to mop up your pain.

☙♡❧

Arriving at the apartment, no sign of Harrison. When you walked in the kitchen, you saw Tom sitting at the counter, scrolling his phone. He looked up at you, not directly noticing your annoyed expression.

"Wow..you're ... gorgeous. I love these pants on you"

You smiled, a little amused by the compliment. Of course he loved the pants, it was a gift from him. But your smile didn’t reach your eyes. With a look on your expression then on the clock, the actor understood that something went wrong. Harry was right behind and still no trace of Harrison. It was suspicious. Tom gave you a worried look.

"Do I have to ask…Never mind, I’m still going to ask. How was lunch with Harrison?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask him? Oh wait... right, he didn't show up" you said sarcastically although you could hear the hurt in your voice.

Tom frowned, biting the inside of his lower lip in annoyance. Harrison was his best mate since forever and he knew him so well. It seemed strange from Harrison to not show up. The blond has told him he was happy to see you again and walking through this whole awkward “feeling situation” because he didn’t want to lose you. In a quick movement, he rose from his stool to walk around the counter. The next second, he took you in his comforting arms and you finally let yourself go under the sight of the two Holland brothers.

“It seems like you need a break of all this shit” Tom said while he ran his fingers through your hair.

You let a little laugh escape through your tears. He wasn't wrong. You really needed to get away from this whole situation for a moment. But how? Harry watched the scene unsure of what to do. You were his best friend and it seemed like the solace you found was never in his arms. He had tried in the car, however, as best he could. He walked over to the counter to make you both a cup of tea. It seems that as cliché as it sounds, tea comforts you, as the English person you used to be. As the redhead waited patiently for the water to boil, a flash of genius - according to him - crossed the glare of his eyes.

“Why doen't she come with us to Spain?”

His brother's words seemed to suit Tom, who released his hold on you. You opened your eyes wide, not sure of what you had just heard. Go to Spain, with them? Once again, you knew you were going to argue on this proposition. The idea was not bad, Spain seemed a rather pleasant country. But you had just graduated and had a student job to save as much as possible. However, you could not afford to leave for several days in Spain, at the last minute. Plus, what were you going to do while Tom was filming and Harry was assisting him? He was sure the film's production crew wasn't going to give you a pass because Tom had decided.

“Yeah! That’s it, you’re coming with us”

“Tom, I have a student job. I can’t just…decide to go to Spain.”

“You never take a leave, come on. It’s not negotiable”

You were looking at Harry for help but he just shrugged. After all, he was the one who had initiated the idea of ​​including you on the trip. You were trying to find a valid excuse to stay home. You really didn't want to impose yourself.

“I can’t afford that” you said, trying your best to convince him to quit the idea.

“I don’t care, it’s not even a problem. You coming to Spain with us.”

"Omg, does Z dominate you in bed to make you so bossy in life?"

Harry almost spitted his tea and laughed out loud while Tom gave you shocked eyes with pinky cheeks. You had always been sassy but hanging out with the boys had made you even more sassy than ever. How many times haven't you heard Tuwaine or Harry make fun of Harrison or Tom on the sex subject? Being a girl seemed to make you an untouchable character. The boys had never teased you about your relationships or your sexual partners. And while you've always had feelings for Harrison, you've had your own experiences. Anyway, you had just gone with the flow and Tom's brand-new romantic relationship with his co-star gave you the perfect opportunity.

“That's not the point.” stammered the actor.

Your smile widened, proud of your joke and the way Tom reacted. You heard Harry clear his throat. He had his phone in his hand and his own smile didn't bode well for you.

"The production is okay but it's at Tom's expense."

“You got to be kidding me…”

☙♡❧

You ended up in Spain with two of your best friends. You knew you had limited time before Tom had to fly back to Los Angeles for some Spider-man: No Way Home reshoots. So, you enjoyed as much as possible: accompanying the boys to the golf course - even though you weren't very involved in the sport -, spending time to visit touristic places when they were on set, talking with Rachael and other people from the set. You really enjoyed your trip.

On Wednesday evening you went out to a restaurant with Tom, Harry and two other friends/tom’s colleagues. You couldn't deny that it was fun. You had the opportunity to sunbathe a little while walking through the streets of Madrid. Spain was doing you good and not once did you think about your wobbly friendship with Harrison. You've just left the restaurant when a few fans politely show up to take pictures with Tom. You couldn't help but smile at the thought of how kind Tom had always taken in a few snaps when his fans approached him respectfully - and there weren't too many of them -. You sighed with pleasure before stepping away from the group. You leaned against a wall and took out the packet of cigarettes that Tom had asked you to keep in your clutch bag. Being an occasional smoker, he wouldn't blame you if you took one from him. You tilted your head back to admire the dark starry night when you felt a presence by your side. You narrowed your eyes in mischief as you looked sideways: Harry was there, his nose wrinkled from your cigarette. He didn't like it too much Silence filled your bubble despite the hubbub outside. You were in public and it was not surprising to meet travelers and Madrid residents mingling with the crowd to enjoy this pleasant evening.

"I wish this trip never ends." You finally said, breaking the silence.

Harry didn't know what to say to that. Instead, he was just looking at you. You were a little tanned, the Madrid sun had done wonders on you; your loose hair framed your face and the summer dress you had chosen for the restaurant looked great on you: It was a short red floral summer dress with a shingle collar. Light enough to keep you from suffocating but decent to wear on any casual occasion. You were beautiful, stunning. His heart exploded at the sight of you, so much that it hurt a few times.

"I wish I had been there for you more." he finally confessed

You finally turned your head towards him and shrug your shoulders, smiling shyly but sincerely.

“You were working, Baz”

“I meant…not only here in Spain. I’m sorry to have let you down recently”

You give him a confused look. He hadn't been a bad friend but he kept implying it. You just shook your head negatively to brush his words away. Harry had always been important to you. He had been the first to step towards you. It was him who introduced you to the rest of the gang. He had always been concerned about you.

The night you met, you immediately clicked up with him. And to be honest, for a moment, you thought he liked you that night. But he never took that step towards you and you never did either. You dreaded that if you kissed him, he would think you were interested in his notoriety by proxy. So you just acted like any reasonable person would - accept the status he gave you. And the second time he asked you to join him with his brother and his friends, you met Harrison and your heart exploded.

"I'm glad you brought me here"

“I'm happy you accepted to come.”

“I didn't really have the choice, Baz” you joked.

He laughed slightly. You weren't wrong, he and Tom had practically dragged you onto the plane, leaving you no choice to be by their side. But you could only thank them, especially Harry who had the idea. You took another hit on your cigarette before leaning back to check out where Tom was with his fans. He seemed to be talking with the girls and didn't seem overwhelmed. So, you didn't want to interrupt him and were just going to wait for him to finish. Harry played with his hands nervously, looking straight ahead and then at you. He seemed to be repeating this game for several seconds before finally asking the question that was in his mind.

“Have you heard from Harrison?” Harry asked quite casually

“He sent me several texts to apologize and wished me to have a good time in Madrid.”

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

You swallow hard before looking at him. There was an indecipherable glint in his eyes and you weren't sure what to make of it. You drew another puff from your cigarette, maybe that would save you from entering this conversation. But Harry's presence was all around you and you couldn't really escape. So you've decided to be honest.

“It’s complicated. I suppose so...”

“Mhmm”

“But my friendship with Haz is important, I don't want to lose him because of it.”

“Yeah, you can't imagine how well I understand you” he sighed

“What do you mean? Who’s the lucky girl..or guy ?”

Harry turned to you frankly and you did the same, stubbing out the half-smoked cigarette. You are well aware that the conversation was taking a more serious turn. He moistened his lips and walked over to you. Harry was full of things: he was full-loving, sarcastic, talented, daring, impertinent. But Harry was mostly awkward when it came to love. Not just an attraction, no, love with real feeling. Delicately, hesitantly, he reached out to your cheek, stroking it with the back of his fingers, cautiously. You were frozen, your eyes fixed on him admiring his audacity.

"She's the most beautiful girl I ever seen." he said with a small smile.

Harry walked over to you and your heart was pounding at breakneck speed. Harry had ... feelings for you? You were really confused. Since when had he developed his feelings? Why didn't he tell you about it? Why hadn't he tried anything so far? So, were you right from the start? Was there a tension between you since the beginning of your friendship, since your met? But above all, did you want him to take that step? Instinctively, your body responded. You parted your lips and closed your eyes. You enjoyed the warmth of his hand on your cheek and were waiting for the touch of his lips. But it never happened.

"Hey baz, y/n..we're going back to the hotel" Tom said, taking his eyes off his phone. "I…Mhmm sorry, did I interrupt something?"

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 23)

Sorry. It's been a hot second... I missed a day because I got so busy with school that I actually forgot to update and also I just didn't have the time anyway. It's definitely not the end of the world but I'll post on Friday as well to make up for missing Monday.

In this part, we'll complete the Time-Travel Arc. Mikan makes a big choice and Natsume has to deal with the fact that he's the only one who can't dedicate himself to waiting, because he doesn't have enough time to, especially if Mikan won't be around.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty

They’ve just seen Yuka finally give birth to Mikan.

Natsume has been by Mikan’s side this whole time, because he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

But she’s about to make an announcement, because she’s decided something. Natsume looks shocked, almost like he knows what is even before she’s said it, but she is interrupted by another one of his coughing fits. He’s not the kind of person who’d want others to watch him suffer.

My throat hurts just looking at him.

When we first met Natsume, he went on frequent visits to the hospital. He was in a state of particular illness when he was kidnapped by Reo. After that, we saw the condition he was in while in bed during the Kaname/Bear chapter. I’d said then that Natsume was always in that much pain, but he managed to keep it to himself and tough it out until he was by himself in his room at night. Even after, when Tsubasa first finds out, he’s able to mostly keep it to himself.

Natsume is the kind of person who wants to keep his suffering to himself. He doesn’t like being caught with blood in his palm or dripping out of his nose. But he’s been getting worse and worse and he can’t keep up with his body anymore. He can’t always tough it out and pretend like he’s fine until he’s all alone anymore. He’s coughing more and more. His body can’t take it anymore. He’s in significantly worse shape now than he was when we first met him, and he was already dying then too.

The fact that he can’t hold it back, even in such an important moment when Mikan is about to make an important announcement, even when he’s surrounded by people, just goes to show how much suffering he’s in and how much worse it’s getting.

He brushes it off, like he always does, hiding his blood and reaching for the healing alice stone around his neck. He doesn’t want the attention on him, especially not for the sake of his stupid dying body.

But Kaoru has collapsed when running from the Academy pursuers. Yuka feels responsible, especially since Kaoru is in an especially vulnerable, pregnant state. So she gives Kaoru the alice stone she received from little Subaru. This is the same alice stone that Natsume just used for relief. It has passed many hands to end up in Natsume’s possession.

In the next scene they’re shown, Kaoru is struggling more than ever. They’re being pursued and Kaoru collapses again. Yuka finally realizes it: that Kaoru has the fourth type of alice, and she’s dying. She urges Kaoru to go easy on herself, for the sake of everyone, and then teleports away, unwilling to let her best friend suffer for her anymore.

We see a little flashback of Natsume getting Subaru’s alice stone for the first time. Kaoru gives it to him since she can see right away that he’s like her, getting sick whenever he uses his alice. It’s to protect him in her stead, because she knows that her life has a time limit on it. She then tells him he has to take care of his father and sister, and although she had nothing but good intentions, entrusting such a huge responsibility to a child, one that is already suffering with a life-shortening alice shape, can be damaging. And from what we know about Natsume, we know that he took all those words to heart and made it his only life’s mission to protect the people he loves, to the detriment of his own life and health.

Natsume has seen a great deal of his mother just now, and he’d never felt so close to her before. This is more than he’d ever known. He didn’t know about her bond with Yuka, or the true extent that Kaoru went through for her friend.

But Mikan is looking at him, and she’s obviously putting pieces together. So she asks him if he’s the same as his mother.

Natsume never wants anyone to worry about him. We know for a fact that he’s dying. We know that his body is in terrible shape. But Mikan is already crying, just at the thought of what he’s been suffering through. If he were to be honest now, as blunt as possible, then he would just be more of a burden. He doesn’t want her worrying about her and that’s more important than being honest. All he wants is to comfort her and minimize the pain she feels to the best of his ability.

LIAR!

So he hugs her again, and tells her that he won’t die, that he will not leave her.

But this moment isn’t all about comforting Mikan. He wants to live too. He doesn’t want to die. He promises that he’ll make it because he wants to believe it too. A long time ago, more than a hundred chapters ago, Natsume was willing to blow himself up so that his suffering could finally come to an end. He didn’t see any more value in his life. All he ever did was burden people around him. He felt like he couldn’t protect anybody, like all did was drag the people he loves into darkness. When he met Mikan, that changed. She talked about his future like he had one and even though he’s been resisting, ever since, he’s also seen it. He desperately wants what he’s always forbidden himself. He can’t have even half of what Yuka had dreamt of: getting married and starting a family with someone you love, making a warm home.

Of course he’d like that too! But he won’t make it. His whole life, he’s known he wouldn’t make it. Why waste his time trying anyway? Why waste the girl’s time just to break her heart? He won’t be able to live that long, so he’s distanced himself from everyone. He won’t make friends or really try with the girl he loves because it would be for nothing. From the beginning he tried to accept that and just deal with it, but the longer he knew Mikan and the further he fell in love with her, the harder that was to stick with. How can you give up on something that your whole heart is screaming for? He wants to live. He wants to be with Mikan, as long as he can.

He’s not making this promise out of callousness. He’s making it because he wants it to be true. He doesn't want to break it. He wants to be able to have a future.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-One

Natsume and Mikan are hugging. She’s crying, because she doesn’t want him to die. He’s promising he won’t go, because he also doesn’t want to die. But they’re not alone. He looks up at Ruka and immediately feels guilt.

It's been nice seeing the return of Natsume&Ruka again... The gap arc and even the Sports Fest really lacked their dynamic and it always bothers me how little they interact during that time. Seeing Ruka now stick up for Natsume and consider his feelings watching the flashbacks regarding Kaoru, and now giving Natsume his blessing... It's just nice to have my favorite friendship back.

So far, Natsume has done his all to be Team Ruka. He wants his best friend to be happy, for the girl he loves to be happy, so why not together? They deserve happiness. He has forbidden himself from even considering that Mikan could ever choose him. He can’t make anybody happy, after all. All he does is drag people into darkness, steal their smiles away like he did to Ruka, leave them unprotected like he did to Aoi, leave them all alone and lonely like he did to his father. But he can’t leave the embrace now.

He looks at Ruka with guilt because he is sorry. He really did try not to end up like this.

I get a little confused with this, but it's made clear at the beginning of the arc that the time window makes it possible for telepathic conversations, so we know for sure that Natsume is hearing these words from Ruka, receiving his blessing, but it also looks like Mikan can hear it too, and perhaps everyone else. How the heck would I know! Whatever. The possibility of her hearing will be covered in the next POV essay. Why does Mikan keep trying to weasel her way into Natsume's chapter anyway? Stay in your lane, Mikan. You'll have your turn!

But Ruka doesn’t want Natsume to be sorry. He loves Natsume too. And if he can’t be with the girl he loves, then he would want her to be with Natsume, who loves her too, who prioritizes her happiness. He would want her to be with Natsume, because she makes him happy and gave him a reason to live. Natsume wouldn’t make that kind of promise and want to mean it if he hadn’t met Mikan. So Ruka urges Natsume to stop holding back. He’d been resisting for so long, not being honest and not doing what he wanted to this whole time because he always put everyone else’s happiness above his own.

But the flashbacks continue, and Yuka has no choice but to give Mikan up, so that her daughter will not suffer the way she has. All she wants is for Mikan to be safe and happy, so she lets her go and suffers on her own.

Mikan has made her decision, but everyone already knew it would end up this way. She will leave the academy to be with her mother.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Two

Facing the news, Natsume is shocked. He knew it would end with Mikan choosing to leave with Yuka too, but he really didn’t want it to be like this.

Hotaru and Tsubasa and Ruka and everyone else can promise to meet Mikan again in the future, no matter how long it takes. But if Mikan isn’t there, what kind of future has Natsume been looking forward to?

Watch this, Lis! You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half!

Natsume isn’t selfish, though. He won’t say anything. He stays silent because it wouldn’t be fair. But this is the saddest that he’s been in quite some time. He’s heartbroken. If she leaves, he won’t ever see her again. He will die. He doesn’t have eternity to promise her, even if he wants to.

She looks at him to say sorry that it has to be this way, but Natsume’s feelings show on his face and she crumbles too. He won’t say anything, because he genuinely doesn’t want to make this harder for her than it already is, but even for someone like him, who always puts himself dead last, it’s hard to not feel these feelings of heartbreak.

I have a lot of love for this arc, especially because of the parallels. It’s pretty clear that Natsume got his looks and a lot of personality traits from Kaoru. He looks just like her, if a lot less smiley, and he’s also prone to dry humor and teasing his friends when he’s in a good mood. But the darker elements of his personality--like his tendency to give everything up and the fact that he’s suffered his entire life--have so much in common with Yuka, too. I’m sure Natsume noticed the similarities too.

Yuka had to give Mikan up to protect her, even though she loves her more than anything, even though all she really wanted was to start a family with her. Yuka’s future will never be what she wanted it to be. She will never be able to watch Mikan grow up. She has to give it up for Mikan’s sake.

"I couldn't protect her in any way but to let her go." - Natsume from the moment he fell in love with Mikan (it's actually a Yuka quote jsyk, I'm just making a connection). Why didn't we ever get a real Natsume-Yuka interaction? I've been robbed.

And Natsume gives Mikan up too, even though all he wants is a future with her, even though he loves her more than anything. Just like Yuka, his future will not be a pleasant one. They give up their own little pocket of sunshine so that the sunshine doesn’t get bogged down by the darkness they have to live in all the time. There is too much dark for light like that to survive.

The next scene that we see is Kaoru on the run, driving as fast as she can from some pursuers. Yuka just wants Kaoru to be safe, but it’s not to be. Her car crashes into a bus or a truck and her life ends.

Natsume has no choice but to watch it happen. Natsume isn’t as emotive as Mikan. He doesn’t run to the window to keep it from happening. He doesn’t collapse onto the floor. He simply stands there and keeps all the pain to himself. He wants to be the person Mikan can rely on for comfort, but he would never turn to somebody else for comfort, to burden them with his sadness. He won’t do it for his heartbreak, and he won’t do it for his mother’s death. He just takes it all on his own, because he always does. Besides, he always knew this would happen.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Three

He wants to just take it all on his own, but almost everyone is worried about him. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t even have a moment of mourning for himself before the topic is suddenly changed to the Z boss. I understand that in universe they might be feeling stressed for what’s happening back in the present, and all the questions anybody brings up are important to talk about, but I do personally resent this a little. Natsume doesn’t even have the time to be comforted by anybody because the moment is suddenly on anything and everything else. Just like Mikan, he had to watch a parent die, but nobody’s had the time to hold him. Even if he wouldn’t let them worry, I’d rather see what would happen when his friends try. If there was just a little more time spent on Natsume’s reaction to it, and his friends wanting to comfort him, I’d feel better. As it is, the scene simply moves on as though it hardly matters. Not my favorite transitional moment in the arc, for sure.

So Mikan got many pages of rightfully being able to cry and mourn her father but Natsume gets this one page for his mother before everyone changes the subject? Jeez, Natsume, it happened like ten years ago! When are you gonna just get over it already?! I guess on the next page. Everyone else does, after all. :/

Although there was hardly any time for Natsume to mourn his mother (I’m still salty), Tono makes sure to take the time so everyone can give Mikan an alice stone for the future. Everyone tries to make her a stone, and they all vary in size and shape. Mikan catches Natsume’s eye. He’s the only one who hasn’t given her one yet.

He wordlessly gestures to the necklace with alice stones that she’s wearing. She finally knows for sure that the mysterious red stone she got before Valentine’s Day was from Natsume. He won’t say anything about what it meant for him. He stays silent the whole time, because anything he says could just make things harder. He’s already said what he needed to, without saying a word: that little pebble she gave him meant the world to him, so he had to give her something in return.

I want to see Natsume cry. I want to see him bawling. Why don't we get to see this kid cry? I'm pissed about it. Why does he swallow everything? No wonder he's so fucking sick.

Maybe Natsume doesn't say anything because there's nothing more to say. Maybe he stays quiet because he doesn't trust himself to not sound bitter or upset if he does. Maybe he shuts up because he's just been through an emotional ordeal and can't bring himself to. An emotional goodbye with Mikan seems like something he'd want, but it's less painful for both of them to not address any of the feelings he's been obvious about all night. It's an elephant in the room she doesn't need to point out. He doesn't want to get rejected. It's enough that she knows that she's loved, even if she doesn't love him back. Even if she never will because she's leaving and he'll never see her again. He'd rather they have this as their formal goodbye (not that they're parting right away) so that he doesn't say the wrong thing or hear the inconvenient thing.

He's put his whole heart on his sleeve and she hasn't said it back all night. He can guess for himself what that means, and he's accepted it. He accepted it from the beginning, when she first tackled him in that warehouse. She knows how he feels now. She has his stone around her neck too. That's the most he'll get forever, and he'll accept it. Accepting things is what he does.

Conclusion

Natsume loves Mikan and she knows it. There's no way that after everything that happened this night that she could walk away oblivious. She hasn't said much about her own feelings, so Natsume has no reason to assume she feels the same. He's about to be separated from her, and even though it's one of the hardest things he's ever had to deal with, he does. He swallows it, like he always does, and doesn't say a single word in protest.

In the next segment, we'll see Natsume continue to swallow it. He completely surrenders, because they only thing he really wants is for Mikan to be safe. He gives up completely. He won't even say goodbye when he's about to part with her for good, but one tiny moment will change everything and uproot every single assumption Natsume has ever made about how she must feel about him.

Sorry if this isn't properly cleaned up. I felt okay starting the editing process but I started feeling a bit sick as I went along and now I'm tired. It's late. Anyway I'll probably update tomorrow's much earlier in the day, after I visit the clinic to find out if I'm anemic. Yes, I am stupid (locked myself out of my car again) AND possibly anemic (hair keeps falling out). We exist.

It seems like the tags won't let me say it but the title image is Populaire-flavored (Zoe gets it, no doubt). Macarons and retro outfits bring Populaire to mind. I like that movie.

<- Previous Next ->

[darlingpwease]

by the way, while I remembered and was not carried away by conversations with my loved ones, I wanted to make a note: recently, for the first time in all the years that I have been on Tumblr, I received anon hate.

and it was absolutely disappointing.

cw death threat, anon hate

To be honest, I stopped thinking a long time ago that I would ever get hate or venomous criticism or complaints because, well, I've been doing this for two or three years on this blog, and usually other relatively popular blogs have already dealt with it.

And because of that, I felt weird, because, look, I'm popular enough for a blog that makes content rarely and only for one fandom, ok? In addition, until the moment of decline, I did it regularly — both there and here, and never met with even disrespect.

And I was glad of it, because hatred is never useful, but it seemed to me that this is the kind of experience that means that you get more attention, because the more attention, the more negativity. If you publish, then you invariably face the fact that someone doesn't like you and someone will write to you about it. This is part of the experience, even if it is bitter, unpleasant and repulsive — the whole of humanity has not yet grown to be quiet when it comes to other people's tastes.

And recently, I got my first hate — after I even forgot that I would like to see it. And I thought, "oh, cool, wishes come true." And instantly blocked them.

Do you know why?

Because it was a common death wish. I can't even describe to you my disappointment that my first announcement was a death wish. Moreover, it's stereotypical, with this stupid "go kys lol", as if a person who saw Hamilton as a child is writing and is now trying to look young.

I forgot about it after a few minutes, but now, when I was asked how I was doing, for some reason I remembered it — probably because then I wanted to write a poisonous post, but deleted it, because it's too boring and stupid thing to bother my lovely sugar mice.

And although, of course, I saved the message as a reminder that I still received hate, but it looks so bad that I want to pretend that I didn't encounter it at all. Listen, all other writers have experience of struggle, or aggressive criticism, or "you write wrong" and the like, and I have some kind of boring crap that even friends are ashamed to show — why they were not ashamed to write this, I don't understand. Besides, I don't even know if it was addressed to me as a writer, or to something else. And that makes it all the more frustrating.

I don't want to say, "I hope I'll have more luck next time," because hate is definitely not something I want to get more, but, hey, if I still get hate, then hopefully it will be at least a little more creative anon than them, hmf.

[giulsherondale]

"Welcome Eda!"

Ehm Balca, dear, this is not your home so please don't behave like it is... Ahh my nerves.

And more the earrings tactic... Soo childish. I really can't stand her.

Loved that Eda literally throw the popcorn into Serkan's belly😂

And Sirius at the end, I love my son.

Honestly... I really love Ferit and Ceren together. They are so cute, and I love how Ferit is trying to correct his mistake. He confesses that he is love with her, that he constantly thinks about her. So sweet.

Serkan telling Eda that the first time they met she used the same tactic of Balca because she forget her bag in his car. I love flirty Serkan and the fact that he remembers everything about Eda and their relationship.

The bet, honestly this is only the pretext so that Serkan can take Eda to Paris and have a romantic moment so the two of them.

"What does Efe wants?"

"You heard. I said I'll talk to him in the office."

"How strange. Not answering anyone's calls, and doesn't answer questions. But he calls you."

"I still work for him Serkan. Did you forgot? Okay, let's move on to our bet. Perhaps you agree that I won."

"I've told you. Nothing is clear yet."

"What has to happen for you to understand? How much clearer should it be? She ordered the same dish."

"Maybe."

"She said she was interested in the stars."

"Everyone loves stars."

"This was not enough, she also said 'Love' looking into your eyes Serkan."

"I think when she talked about love she was thinking about another person Eda."

"She answered by looking at you."

"Who else Eda? There were two people in front of her. Either you or me. Should she look at the salt shaker?"

"Either you are really stupid, or you pretend not to understand. Okay. It won't last long. It is seen, in a couple of days she will already confess her love to you."

"And you will win the bet right?"

"Of course. It's not my business."

"I agree."

"At the end of the day, what matters is how you respond to Balca's attention."

"You're right. This is a special topic that only concerns me and Balca. This is between us."

"Between you? There is something? Then I will call her."

"Eda sit down please. You..."

"I'm not jealous of you Serkan Bolat."

"You're not jealous... Really?"

"Think for yourself what could have been. Is this funny?"

"Okay... But I'm jealous of you like crazy. What to do about it?"

"You crossed the boundaries again. We'd better have coffee in the office."

"Let's have coffe here."

"I have something important to discuss with Efe. We will have coffee in the office."

"Efe can wait."

"Then I'll send him a message."

"No emoji."

This was hilarious. Eda kicking Serkan under the table and Balca was obviously flirting all the time. I loved Eda expression, she was so jealous. Serkan is soo smart, I think that he is well aware that Balca is flirting with him and he pretend not to see in order to push Eda to near to him. My smart babe.

Engin and Piril... I really like them. They are opposite of each other but they are so in love. And I think their love is actually more stronger that the difference they have. And they take out the best part of each other.

"As if there is an invisible connection between them."

Balca, dear, believe me there is... There is. So better not to put your nose between Eda and Serkan because nothing will change.

"Your coffee Eda Yildiz. Much better now. When you aren't stressed, you're becoming even more beautiful."

"Don't stress me out then."

"I don't."

This moment was so sweet and romantic. Obviously ruined by Balca. And then when Eda takes his coffee mug I was laughing out loud. Love that my girl is marching HER territory.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BALCA?! I think she is really stupid because of course by removing the paper in the dossier Serkan will lose faith in Eda but you're damaging everyone and the holding too. She's so silly. And Balca even said that she felt hurt by seeing Eda and Serkan close the night before... Darling you know him for two days what the hell???? I hate her really.

Soo the interview and the photoshoot aren't enough... Balca you aren't spending too much time alone with Serkan and you even ask him to get a photo together and post it... Balca age 33... Balca real age 10.

"Well, until I'm 100% sure, this bet will continue Eda."

"What else should happen to make you 100% sure? What else? I'm just wondering."

"For example... When she look at me I have to feel that everything inside of her melts... When she's trying not to show her excitement... I have to see it by the way she look away... And when she try to stand firm... I have to see that her heart starts to beat faster... In her breath, in her voice, in her scent, even in her veins... I must feel this love."

"Serkan..."

"When she says my name... I must feel everything inside of her tremble."

TOO MUCH HOTNESS IN THIS SCENE🔥

Serkan reads her like a book... Honestly I don't know what to say about this scene... It speaks for itself. And plus new Serkan is enjoying his life, especially when he has the woman who he's in love with in front of him... Ahh Serkan❤️

"I really need Serkan"

Sorry Balca maybe I did not understand well... You NEED Serkan? For what? I really don't get her and I think I never will.

"His partner will arrive tomorrow and he wanted me to bring some flowers to his house and get everything in order."

"You went to his house? While I was doing the interview, you were at this man's house?"

"Yes I was. But there was nobody here. So I left some flowers and left. Anything else?"

"What kind of psycho would want flowers in his house? Is he romantic?"

"What's the problem? At least he doesn't have any allergies."

"And I also have another kind of allergy."

"What kind?"

"I'm allergic to Efe. I don't trust him."

"You should trust me. I know what's right and what's wrong."

Ohhh Eda, honey, you don't have an idea how wrong you are... And I love that Serkan says that he's allergic to Efe. My jealous boy.

I really like boys time, I like when Serkan, Engin and Ferit are together. And every each of them have some suspects on Efe,his behavior and the secret partner.

"You won."

"What?"

"You won."

"What did I win?"

"You won the bet."

"What bet?"

"Serkan, you won the bet."

"Ah... Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Balca is a little in doubt, so it happened. But she may still like you."

"Of course."

"I'm sure about it. You cannot change my opinion. She's just not running after you. As a result you won I lost."

"As a result, then, we are going to have dinner in Paris."

"It seems to me not to worth so many adventures. We can just go to that restaurant with flowers..."

"No no. A bet is a bet. Is it not? Therefore, after the results of the tender are announced tomorrow, we will take my plane and fly to Paris."

"It seems that I have no other choice."

GIVE US EDSER IN PARIS PLEASE✨❤️

During the ice skating scene was like the director told them to do whatever they want, have fun with each other, just be themselves. And I think we saw that, everyone was having fun, was laughing. In fact I really loved the scene it was one of my favorite of the whole episode.

"What?"

"I haven't laughed like that for a long time. It did me good."

"Me too."

"You keep well on ice."

"Ah yes? I am good in the air, on the ground, on the ice, in the elevators when you're around."

"Stop showing off. And when I'm not there?"

"You are always there. And you always will."

"Maybe tomorrow... Instead of going to Paris, can we eat fish and bread on the water front?"

"I will never agree. We will fly to Paris anyway. Have you ever benn to Paris before?"

"No. If you've noticed, I don't even ask you."

"I went. But to be honest, this is the first time I'm so worried."

"You probably planned everything hourly now. What are we going to do?"

"Yes. We will have a wonderful tourist route. First we will climb the Eiffel Tower, and then visit the best cafes and pastry shops. We will dine in restaurants. And then we will meet the order over the Seine. And then the Bridge of Arts and the Bridge of Lovers. But of course, none of this worries me so much..."

"Yes? What worries you?"

"Get lost with you in Montmartre."

"You won't get lost. You will not be lost anywhere. It seems to me that you even have a map of places where you are going in your head."

"You're right. But I've never been there before."

"Why?"

"Because I gave myself my word. I promised myself that I would go there with the girl that I really love. And it's you."

"Suddenly it got hot..."

Plus we got Serkan saying "Mon amour, je t'aime" and when she said that she understood what he said Serkan throw the ultimate romantic bomb "Because love has no linguage".

THIS IS POETIC CINEMA✨

Who the hell is Piril father?!😳

He has to be someone really important. He even has the guards.

And the final... Boommm... Grandma has come. I can't wait to see her and her plans.. In the fragment we saw that she will help Balca with Serkan because se has a "future husband" for Eda... Clearly grandma has no idea who Serkan Bolat is, he will never give up on Eda. Moreover I think that grandma arrivals is the thing that will unite Aydan, Ayfer, Eda and Serkan. They will work as a team against grandma. I can't wait to see it.

[annonmaly]

Ok, It's Not Red. So What? (continuation)

Noé and his left eye

At this point, I'm wondering why I decided to do this. At first, I just saw this official artwork collection, and I'm like: "These are cool, let me post something short about what I think (cos' I got a lot of time). Some of these ideas may already be out there. But still, I may drag someone else in this 'what if' hole I'm in". I meant this to be one post with 500 words only. But lo' and behold! I'm now on the fourth part of this thought dump. My lazy brain is so proud of me right now.

These posts could be read separately. But if you have some minutes to waste and have nothing better to do. Check out the previous parts here:

Part 1: Regarding some of VnC Artwork

Part 2: Oh, It's Not Red

Part 3: Ok, It's Not Red. So What?

No promises that it's worthwhile tho'.

Hopefully for the last time, a friendly reminder that best in writing is an award I never received. I'm not the person who could analyze, explain, or theorize things. Please bear that in mind while reading. Photos are not mine, of course. Also, spoiler alert to be safe.

Now that I said everything I want to say. Let's finish this thing. This would be the last absurd idea that I want to share.

I read this theory a while ago that Noé's left eye was partially blind. This was the result of his injury during his childhood. As proof, Noé always received an injury on the left side. I totally agree with this theory. There's something wrong in that left eye of his. What if Noé's left eye lost its original power? Or What if it's not his eye to begin with? Sounds farfetched? Yeah, it is, but give me a break here. This was on my head for a long time now, and this needs to be out of my system.

Ok, first, let me tell you why I think his left eye is suspicious.

1. Noé had an eye injury when he was a kid. But after a while, it healed as nothing happened. This could easily be explained. It was healed totally by his vampire's power.

2. How and when he received that injury is questionable. (Actually, that whole story is suspicious) Did he receive it before or after being kidnapped? I don't much about slave trade in VnC world. But, if you're going to sell something you don't want it to have visible damage, right? (Sorry if the comparison sounds offending)

3. This may be for artistic purposes. However, there are panels where Noé's left eye was hidden by his hair or something. Most of them are when he is emotional. Or, more precisely, when it's about Vanitas. This is not always the case, and maybe I'm just reading to it more than necessary. But let me give you some examples:

(I had a hard time in this cos' I'm confused about what is left and right)

Let me briefly explain the picture from left to right

Bal Masque Arc: (It is not noticeable in this arc, actually. But when Noé is scolding Ruthven, we can't see his left eye.) The image above is when human Vani told Noé to leave him alone Then the one beneath is the moment when Noé declared that he will stay with human Vani.

Catacombs Arc: This is the time when Noé forgot to cut his hair. His left eye is hidden at about 90 percent of this arc. I only saw it again when Noé got angry with the weird doctor because he keeps calling human Vani by number "69". Even after the conclusion of this arc, his left eye is hidden.

Pre-Gevaudan Arc: We all know what happened the night before this. In the panel above, his eye was hidden when he was expressing his guilt. Then when he's being honest, Mochijun-Sensei showed his left profile.

Misha Arc: I know it's still fresh in your memories. To make this short, they are fighting to the death. The above panel is when Noé's reevaluating the events that happened. Then below is when he realized that he did not look at human Vani properly.

I'm a VaNoé shipper so I could go on all day, but I think I already get my point across. There's a pattern here when human Vani and Noé are having an issue. Or when Noé can't understand the former, his left eye is hidden. After they kiss and makeup Mochijun-sensei shows Noé's left eye.

I think I already established that Noé's left eye is weird, so let's move on. If you encountered my prior post, I assumed that Luna and Noé are twins. Let's ignore that notion. For now, I will settle with the idea that the blue vampire and Noé are related. They could be siblings, parent-child, or kinsmen. I'll believe that Noé is related to the blue moon vampire until Mochijun-Sensei says otherwise.

So, I emphasized Noe's hidden eye a moment ago. Who else out there that we don't see her left eye? Yup, the vampire of the blue moon. (I already mentioned this on my previous post)

This is not related but look at these panels:

After hearing human Vani's childhood story, Noé and Luna both asked the question about hating the vampires. Take note that Luna is on the right, the eye that was she's not hiding. Noé on the left profile, the hidden eye at times. I don't know if there's a meaning in this or what, it's just interesting.

Going Back,

If Noé is related to the blue vampire and the cursed book. (I think Grandpa DeSade won't ask him to observe the book without reason, he possibly be the real owner). Maybe at some point, his eyes are blue. Or maybe one of his eyes is blue. The left eye, perhaps?

So far, we only saw Noé gazing at the blue moon in the first chapter.

Left profile, left eye, interesting. (I'll say this again and again, Sensei is shady. Even that smile)

Well, it's his right eye. However, it's his left that noticed the moon first.

Next...

The whole sentence is "and see for yourself with your own eyes..." Is it just a coincidence that the panel with the words "with your own eyes" was a close-up of Noé's left eye? (He's still looking up the blue moon here)

Now, assuming that his eyes are blue before. What happened? As I said earlier, maybe he lost the power of his left eye or just transferred it to someone. Is there someone heterochromatic that is always with Noé? Oh, yes, Murr.

So, in a nutshell: What if Noé has the power of a blue and red moon vampire before the series' timeline started? (He's kind of special since it would only show when he's using his vampiric powers) Then, something terrible happened that we don't yet. And they had no choice but to transfer that power to Murr?

At one point, I imagined that Noé and Murr exchanged eyes, but dismissed it since I thought that Murr's eyes are red. But now that I changed my mind about Murr's eye color, I think this could still be a possibility.

I'll leave it up to your imagination as to how everything happened. This is just a half-boiled theory I had that needs to get out of my mind. I'll try to expound it furthermore when I found out more (or maybe I would already change my mind)

This scene would negate my thousand words post entirely. Because the injury Noé had is shown when he met Sensei for the first time. This means he should still be heterochromatic here. The old man knows that he's a vampire. So, it's either, Noé told them, or the couple saw his vampiric characteristics. They would tell Noé that his eyes was strange, right? But it looks like had no idea at all.

(I'll just copy and paste from my previous post)

I believe that Mochijun-sensei is keeping the timeline vague since it would reveal too much information. I mean, we don't know how long time passed from the day Noé was found by the old couple to the day Sensei brought him to the castle in the forest. Keep in mind that the vampire's growth differs for each person, as well. Also, is the story the Noé and Sensei told trustworthy? As far as I could tell, Sensei is shady, like really. Besides, Noé's memory is also not reliable. After all, someone out there may have the ability to manipulate memories. What if Noé was was born ages ago and was induced to sleep for a long time for whatever reasons?

(Copy Paste ends here)

I really love Noé and Murr. You see, the title of the series is The Case Study of Vanitas, but I'm more curious about Noé. My guts tell me that he would unexpectedly surprise us in the future chapters. Do you have any ideas or thoughts you want to share about VnC? tell me, I'm so bad at digging gold here.

That's the end folks, I warned you this might not make any sense. I'm just a person who has a lot of time on hand got bored waiting for the next chapter. Still, I had fun writing this. It's entertaining to crack our heads with the possibilities of what would happen in the story. But remember to always respect the authors. It's their work and art.

Note: I wrote this to indulge my over-thinking self. This is just a random theory, thoughts, assumptions, and/or head-canons. Thank you for taking the time to read and understanding if I made any mistakes or post whatever it is you don’t agree on.

[prettymuchdolansbitch]

Love to Lie (Nick Mara)

A/N: So this is my first PRETTYMUCH / Nick Mara imagine &&& I'm worried 🥶 hopefully you guys like it ! Thank you for reading💖

Being the girlfriend of a famous popstar who was in a boyband was tough. You knew it and so did Nick, but you fought through it. His late night practices and tours were always getting in the way of you being together. To add on, college didn't help on your end. You always debated on seeing Nick or going to class.

You never minded though. You would do anything for the boy. He had you wrapped around his finger. When they announced that they were going on their own tour, you were ecstatic. Except for the fact that the semester just started and you barely had time to go to any of the shows.

Luckily, some time cleared up so that you can see the Anaheim show. After that you weren't going to know the next time you would see your boyfriend. His family hit you up mid-October to see if you were able to fly out and surprise Nick along with the rest of his family.

This made you the happiest girl alive. You've only met his family twice and they wanted to see more of you. You agreed and flew out to NY for their show. The family got to see soundcheck and spend a little time with Nick before he had to perform. That's when you came in, he was happy but you knew something was bothering him deep down. To be honest, you probably knew him more than he knew himself.

The surprise was a success and you got to see your boyfriend again. Going back to school was a struggle because all you wanted was to be in bed with Nick talking about anything. While studying, you simply played with your 6-month anniversary necklace that he got you. It was a simple gold chain with the letter "N" hanging from it.

Skip a few weeks to the weekend before Thanksgiving. You and Nick were still going strong, but he was being more dry than usual. You thought it was you overreacting, but you couldn't be more wrong.

You've been asking Nick for the past week if you should come out to see their last show. You dropped hints waiting for him to say something along the lines of "Can you come to our last show?" but you never got it. You eventually just asked him if you could go. He flat out rejected you.

"Baby as much as I would love for you to come to the last show, it's just going to be so hectic and crazy. I don't want you to get hurt. I have to go, were rehearsing. Love you" That was pretty much how the conversation went. You were devastated, but you accepted. He was only looking out for you.

It's now November 18th and Nick hasn't called or texted all day. It's the last show day and you knew they've been in Boston for the past 2 days. Nick was being choppy on FaceTime last night and you were actually starting to worry.

You and your roommates decide to have a little Friendsgiving before you all were going to head home for break. While you were playing Just Dance with your roomies, you decide to go live and share the experience of having funny ass roommates.

You were reading comments and it was the usual. Until questions came up about Nick.

"Why aren't you at the last show?"

- "Nick thought it would be too hectic for me to be there and that he probably won't even see me."

"PLS FOLLOW ME I LOVE UUUU"

"NOTICE MEEEEEEE💙💙💙💙💙💙💕💕💕💕💕"

- "Love you (random user)"

"How's Nick?"

- "Doing good"

"u single?"

"Did you know alexys is there?"

"teaaaaa"

"alexys is in Boston to 👀🤭"

"I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU"

You felt your heart breaking at each comment about Alexys being in Boston. You end the live and look for any proof before you go ballistic. Going on your explore page, you see her selfie that was obviously taken on snap.

"5:45 Boston" The filter said. Jasmine was your best friend in the house. She knew something was up. She saw what you were looking at and she saw what you saw on the live. You kept scrolling to see if there was anything else. A fan posted a video of Alexys talking to people on a balcony. The balcony in the venue the boys were at.

Jas saw you shook up. "Hey, do you wanna go to the bar? Maybe take your mind off things?" You nod and plug your phone in the charger. You got ready and took off for the night.

~

After recovering from a hangover, you packed everything you thought you would need for the next week. You decided you were going home earlier than everyone. You didn't want to be anywhere near Nick's house when they got home. Your apartment/school was 20 minutes from the PRETTYMUCH house.

You have yet to talk to Nick. You assumed he was busy because of flights and stuff. But you also assumed the worst. After saying goodbye to your roomies for the week, you packed up your car and drove off.

Nick

He was definitely nervous to see you. He was scared to see your reaction and tell you that he loves you. The boys landed the morning after their last show. They all went home and decided to rest for the day. Nick on the other hand was already out the door to see you.

He got to your apartment and didn't see your car. He wasn't too suspicious, he just assumed you didn't park where you normally did. As he's walking up the driveway, the door opens. Nick kind of freezes and waits to see if it's you. Turns out it was only Jas.

Jas lays her eyes on the one and only Nick Mara. "Hey Jas, is -" She already knew what he was there for. "She's not here. Even if she was, wouldn't let you in anyways." Jas throws her bags into the trunk of her car.

"I just have to -" He got interrupted by Jas slamming her trunk. "Listen here, you have some nerve showing up here with the stunt you pulled last night. She was upset over a douche like you. But like I said, she's not here. She went home." Jas opened her car door.

"I thought she doesn't go home until Wednesday?" He said looking at the window that led to your room. "Plans change don't they." Jas was in her car and she zoomed off.

Nick hopped into his car and drove the two hours to your hometown. When he got there, he was even more nervous. He saw your brother was home too. Nick finally made it to the door and knocked slowly.

He heard the locks turning and his stomach fluttered, excited to see your beautiful face. Instead he was met with your older brother, Kai.

"Hey man. Is -" "I should really deck you right now, but I won't." Nick nodded and looked at his feet. "Who are you being a dick to this early -" You push the door wider and you see the face you were dreading to see all day. "Hm. Nevermind."

"You got this?" Kai said to you. "I'll be fine." you stepped out and sat on one of the chairs that were on the porch. Nick followed suit and sat in the chair next to you. You stay staring out at the neighborhood in front of you, waiting for Nick to say something.

"How was the last show?" You ask starting the conversation. "It was good, crazy like I said it would be." Nick was rubbing his hands together because of how clammy they were.

"Listen, I am so sorry that -" "Nick we're done." You blurted it out before you could even think. He was in shock. Nick never thought he would hear those words come from your mouth.

"What? Why?" He said leaning foward. "Did you seriously just ask me why we're done Nick? You lied to me, your own girlfriend. Also I looked like an idiot because I didn't even know your ex was going to be there. Not like she had a right to be there, but whatever." You scoffed at him.

"I know it looks bad, but I can explain." "Looks bad? Really? I don't need an explanation. Like I said we are done." You got up this time to go back inside the house and never see this kid again. "But I love you"

You felt the cold metal on your neck and realized you almost forgot. You unclasped the necklace and held it in your hand. "Nick, if you really loved me, there wouldn't have been an option for you to choose. We've been dating for months, and you still had the thought of choosing between me and your ex? Thought you were over that when you asked me to be your girlfriend. You obviously don't love me, at least not like I loved you. It shouldn't take you seeing your ex to make you realize that you love me. " You turned and put the necklace in his hands.

"I'll always support you and the boys, but as of right now, I want nothing to do with you. Goodbye Nick." you actually left him this time. You shut the door and slid down the door, crying for real this time.

[imgonnabehonest]

personal log 04 24 22

Yes I know it's been a very long time since i made a real post but Tyler, who I used to work with and Dan is friends with, asked about me being engaged before, and it kind of shook me because Dan had no idea what he was talking about. I'm thinking about just giving him the link to this blog. So Danny, if you're reading this... idk it doesnt get more honest than i am here. Maybe I'll just use this as like notes and just infodump on him for a while.

Also, I realized that I almost forgot why I really broked up with Andrew and found that I had never written about it but luckily it was just exactly what I fucking said I was afraid of last January. He fucking kicked me out of his daddy's house and expected me to come crawling back. I had to think about what he kicked me out for too; I went "home" upset because he promised I'd go to his grandma's birthday part two weeks (Saturdays) away that I was definitely working. So I yelled at him because 1) he never asked me and 2) he should have had some idea what my fucking schedule was at that point.

Uh yeah so I yelled at him for promising I'd go when I couldn't and then I asked why he never washed a single dish and he said it was because of his mom and then I asked why he couldn't do the 1 thing I actually had asked him to do which was clean up the fucking birdshit and he told me to kill the birds if I didn't want them. I don't remember what else we said, but he said something along lines of "You can't stay here tonight." So I started getting all my shit together and he started backpedaling and saying he just meant for like the weekend not forever.

I took what I had grabbed and drove around for a while before I called my mom. When I went back to get my stuff Monday he barely said a word to me until I was on like my last trip. He also hadn't washed any of the dishes that had been in the sink when I left. Obviously not the very end like we saw each other after that just read back like 6 months. But that was when it was over. I can't believe I forgot that.

Also Dan's told me multiple times to call him Danny which is cute but I would kinda wanna call him Dan around other people (bc he's my Danny). Come on Danny you gotta admit that's a you and me thing. I think that's what you meant anyway but I wanna ask.

Oh hey I fucking quit Starbucks that's some news. Working at an Italian bakery now and yes I see the fucking irony we just Don't need to talk about it. I'm giving it a month. I might be really good or really bad at this. We'll see.

Things haven't been going too great with me and Dan, by the way. As in, with each of us as individuals which, especially when coming from both ends, spills into our relationship twice as fast. I need to get a therapist or something I'm making things difficult for both of us. Sorry Babe I'm real tired. I love you 💜

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

The Big Day (Part 2)

I’m not going to lie...labour is hard, that’s why they call it labour! However, as women, we are made for it and we can cope. Not everyone will have a great experience and not everyone will have the labour and birth they wanted, but we are all superheroes, no matter how our labour/birth ends up. We need to remind ourselves of what our bodies have gone through - not just in labour, but over the course of our pregnancies. For me personally, it is the single biggest achievement of my life, hands down! It just so happens I'm also lucky enough to have had a very positive experience. My story is not to rub in others faces because I was lucky, it’s to help people realise that birth doesn’t have to be an awful, dramatic experience like it’s portrayed to be on TV or in films. 

I left the last post having checked in at the MLU at my local hospital on my due date, 7th April 2019. Most of my family and friends joke that they’re not surprised the baby arrived on time, despite it being so rare! Apparently it’s because I'm such a planner and organiser 🤷🏽‍♀️🙈

I was taken to one of the delivery rooms and hoped to god that this was temporary because it was roasting!! I was at the part of the building where it met the other side, so there was no air coming in the room from the open window and the fan that was already in there was broken. I tried not to think about spending hours in labour in there! The midwife I spoke to on the phone (the less experienced one) came in to check the baby’s heartbeat and how the baby was lying. Heartbeat was never an issue as I mentioned earlier, but the lie of the baby once again was causing problems! When she called her colleague in and they both failed to find the position they told me I would be taken for a scan. I joked that this wasn’t anything new but I was still in shock that they couldn’t find the position even now in labour!!

I was taken for a scan along the corridor where there was a doctor waiting. We were still so taken aback that we were going for a scan when I was clearly in labour that we almost forgot to say ‘don’t tell us the sex!!’. Thankfully the midwife prompted us and the doctor told us when to look away. To be quite honest I had struggled to get on the bed and was uncomfortable lying while I was contracting so I focused on my breathing. The doctor patted my arm and told me I was doing great. For a worrying moment he had let slip that he didn’t think the baby was engaged. I was so speechless I almost lost concentration. At my appointments with my midwife at 36 and 38 weeks I was told the baby was head down and 3/5 and then 4/5 engaged so it was baffling to think the baby would no longer be engaged at 40 weeks!!! Thankfully the doctor corrected himself when he spoke to the midwives and they reassured me they were happy the baby was engaged. Thank the lord!!! 😅

I was taken back into the same room and the midwife said she would take the baby’s heartbeat again and examine me to find out how far along I was. She struggled a bit to find the heartbeat this time but eventually got it. Then she couldn’t find my cervix!!! This is actually quite normal because I think it can have a posterior or anterior lie and can actually move position. Cue the midwife I didn’t like...Her colleague breezed in the door. She is the only midwife throughout my experience at the hospital that put my back up, and my husband’s! She came in and was trying to be friendly and familiar but came across as condescending. I think the way she was, was condescending to my midwife as well. She told me she wanted to find the heartbeat herself as she wasn’t happy that it was clear enough and then she would examine me and find my cervix. Bear in mind that each time, I'm still lying on the bloody bed on my back (worst position ever, certainly for me!!) contracting the whole time. Each time a contraction came, she would stop what she was doing. I felt like I was there for 20 minutes, but there’s every chance it was more like 10. Either way I wasn’t happy!

She eventually got a heartbeat that met her standards. The next words she said I'll never forget because it’s the only time I thought, ‘there’s going to be an argument here.’ She told me she didn’t really think I was in established labour so they’d probably be sending me home. However, when she found my cervix she could just do a sweep while she was there? I looked at my husband and I'm pretty sure the scowl on his face was reflected on mine. I’m not ashamed that this was one of the times my face betrayed how I felt. I told her I would prefer to wait until she had actually examined me before I made any decisions. I think in hindsight, I was obviously coping so well that she didn't believe what I was experiencing was established labour, because within seconds, and I mean seconds, she exclaimed: “Oh you’re a secret worker, you’re about 4-5cm dilated so we will be keeping you!” Never in my life have I felt so triumphant/relieved. Hypnobirthing teaches you many things, but one of the most important is to trust your body, and that’s exactly what I had in my head when she was talking about sending me home. I was confident in myself and in the Freya app and I was right!

Once she had left the room I finally got off the bed and the relief was immediate. I stood over a chair by the window and had some water. When my midwife re-entered, at that point I had a wobble. Bear in mind I had been on my back contracting for the best part of 10 minutes, with a woman who was undermining everything I believed and was about to send me home to come back over 12 roundabouts in total!!! I freaked out a bit and asked if I could elect for a C-section. I will always be grateful to my midwife for her understanding but also the way she was kind but firm, “It is an option but you won’t need it. I don’t think you really understand how well you’re doing!” I explained where it had come from but between her and my husband, they managed to talk me round again so I could focus. She told me she was going to find out if I could have the pool, but if not she would run the bath for me. She said she thought someone was about to deliver in the birthing pool but I might be able to get it later. When she came back, she had made a mistake and someone had come in requesting the pool, but it was first come first served and I got there first. I was never so relieved to see the back of a room! Everything was falling into place - I was in established labour, I was getting the pool and was leaving the hottest room in the delivery suite! In the meantime, my mum was also on her way.

The relief when I entered the room with the pool was immediate - it was so much cooler and so big! As well as the pool, they also had a new block which was like one of those mattresses you get at gymnastics - it was one stacked on the other with bits you could remove so you could kneel on the bottom and lean over the top to get into a comfortable position. I used this initially while we got settled. My mum fed me fruit at this point and I drank lots of water and Lucozade Sport. I remember saying to my mum and husband - what about you two, you need to eat it’s almost dinner time! They joked, ‘oh yeah we’ll just go to a restaurant and leave you to it!!’ 🙄🤣🙈

I’m not going to lie, I constantly had the feeling of needing the toilet and was unable to go. This is the pressure from the baby and the pressure I felt was unbelievable. My show and my waters still hadn't gone at this stage and I knew if they did it might ease but I had to put up with it for quite a bit longer. After the fruit I was actually sick so that was all I ate through labour and didn’t eat again until the baby arrived. It’s amazing what you can do on so little food! After I was sick the midwife offered to run the pool. While they were doing that, (the midwives were my own and the lady who had initially tried to find the baby’s position) they told me they could set up the gas and air. If i remember rightly, (I'm not a wholly reliable source!!) I said I would want it at some point, but I would hold off until after I got in the pool. 

The pool was amazing! It was like a massive jacuzzi bath, really deep. I immediately felt the relief and the weight of the bump felt so much better in there. It had to be at 37 degrees for the baby arriving so they told me to let them know when it cooled, as they would have to keep re-topping up the heat. My husband jokes that when I eventually asked for the gas and air, I did it so politely that midwives almost laughed! I think I was about 8cm when I asked for the gas and air. My midwife’s colleague came back in and helped her set it up. She gave me really good advice which was contrary to what I thought I would do. The mouthpiece that I thought I would use, would mean I would have to alter my breathing for it to be effective, so if I had a breathing technique, the mask would probably help the most. This is why it’s not a birth plan, it’s preferences! The advice was invaluable and the gas and air helped so much. Honestly the best thing there is!!! I left the bath at some point to go to the toilet and noticed my show had come away. Finally! Though still no waters at this point.

I would advise anyone who has birth preferences, to write them on your notes in the app that the maternity team set up when you have your initial booking appointment. I had my birth preferences from the Positive Birth Company but I also put them into my app. What made me do this, I'm not sure, but I'm convinced the midwives saw them on the app through their system. I never handed them my handwritten ones, but they seemed to know I didn't want to be examined unless completely necessary, and that the room have dimmed lighting with little interruption as possible. They regularly checked the baby’s heartbeat which they could do even though I was in the pool, but I wasn’t examined again after the first examination at 4/5cm. This is why I can’t be certain of what stage I was at when I got in the pool, had gas and air etc, I can only estimate.

Two hours from giving birth there was a shift change and my midwife was finishing. I had a bit of a moment where I didn't know how I felt about that. She had done so much for me and she wasn't going to be there at the crucial moment. I felt bad I couldn’t have had her there and she told me she wasn’t back until the Tuesday so would have to find out what I had then. Something about that seemed so final! However, I think with hindsight it worked out for the better. The midwife who took over was significantly more experienced and there was just an air about her that she knew exactly what she was doing, and in a crisis she would be the one to go to. She spoke even less than my previous midwife but quietly monitored the baby’s heartbeat every now and then. 

There is a period in labour referred to as ‘transition.’ This is the point where you move from the uterus muscles drawing upwards, to the pushing stage. Quite often, women reach this point and before they’re quite there, feel like they can't do it anymore and want to give up. They often say this out loud. I had told my husband quite clearly - if I get to that stage, you have to remind me that I'm transitioning and will be moving on to the pushing stage. Remind me I'm close to meeting our baby! Well, I have no idea what happened, but transition for me was instant. One minute I was up breathing, then instantly I had the urge to bear down and push. My husband was counting through the breathing with me (as he had done throughout my whole labour!!) and I told him through gritted teeth, ‘it’s not that breathing any more!!!’ Only once I reached that stage, did my waters break. There was some relief at that point I must admit. 

Pushing is nothing like it is in films and TV - you’re not straining with all your might - it is completely involuntary and you cannot fight it even if you tried. Your body just knows what to do which is incredible! At the time, I had no idea of my progress other than cues from my midwife. I heard her quietly say to my mum and husband that, when she gave them the signal, one of them would have to press the call button for another midwife. Other than that I had very little idea of what was going on. Between contractions, the midwife still took the baby’s heartbeat and that was the only time I would be aware of what was happening around me. You really do go into the zone! With the pushing stage you feel it’s no more painful than the first stage but there’s a purpose to it so you are more focused. 

I do remember my midwife saying: “right Claire, you’ve got until 9:10pm and then I’m going to coach you with the pushing.” That was another thing I had put in my birth preferences - I didn’t want to be coached to push. Something about the way she said it made me think she was aware of my preference, and she was giving me a chance to do it my way, but would help me when needed. I kept an eye on the clock each time and in truth, even when it got to 9:10pm, she didn’t have to say very much to coach, she just guided me of how long to push through. It’s difficult to describe, but with the first push I would make great progress because I had just taken the gas and air and breathed down, but as I needed to intake breath, the baby would slip back again. That’s how it happens anyway, but it was almost like I wasn’t making much progress other than on the first breath. At one point, I must have got close to the crowning stage (the ring of fire is real!) when the same thing happened and my midwife said, “you’ve almost got me putting my pinny on!” 

Finally, after what seemed like a good while of pushing, my midwife told me she didn’t think there was much stretch in my perineum (so perineal massage had done zero for me!!), so she would give me one more push, but after that she would advise that she give me an episiotomy, otherwise I might end up in theatre. This would mean getting out of the pool and water birth was no longer possible. I didn’t need to be told twice, and said I would rather we did it now and not risk it. Well if it wasn’t the strangest feeling/most awkward thing trying to climb out this massive pool with the baby crowning!!! The walk to the bed felt like miles and I must have looked like John Wayne!!!! Those hospital beds almost feel like Mount Everest, they are so high!!! I haven’t a clue how I managed it, but once I got on the bed I have no idea what happened next - it was a very quick blur. I can’t remember if she waited for the next contraction, but I remember the second midwife was in the room and I didn’t feel the episiotomy at all - all I remember them saying was “the baby’s head is out, one more push.” Just like that, my baby was born - 9:39pm at 7lbs 10oz. My husband told me it was a boy and there was no crying. I kept asking if everything was okay and they said he was absolutely fine. Apparently, they gave him a rub and he started crying but when he was placed on my chest for skin to skin he stopped crying and was so calm. In total, my labour officially lasted just under 6 hours, which is pretty good for a first baby! They only record the time that you’re in established labour, as contractions can stop and start until that point, and even then your labour can still fail to progress.

We were asked if we had a name for him. Cailean Oliver Black was always going to be the name if it was a boy. Cailean is Gaelic for Colin, named after my dad Colin, who was killed in an accident when I was 14. Oliver for my husband’s brother who died when he was just a baby. We would have been delighted regardless, but having a boy meant so much to us and our families.

I’ll never forget the moment I looked at my son for the first time, it was truly the best moment of my life! We had wanted skin to skin immediately, and then also delayed cord clamping. This allows the blood in the umbilical cord to return to the baby. My husband also got to cut the cord. Another midwife came into the room at that point and I think she was the one in charge. According to my husband (I have no memory of this), she said “so this is the star of the evening.” I don't know if I agree, but it certainly felt like a massive achievement and one I will always be proud of. However, that should be true of all of us who give birth, regardless of how this happens and whether it goes to plan or not. She had actually delivered the baby of the woman who had also requested the pool. I felt so bad for that woman that I had taken that from her, but the midwife assured me she got her water birth by giving birth in the bath instead and she was fine. 

I delivered the placenta with the injection. I had always been told I couldn’t have that if I had a water birth, but I guess since I was on the bed at that point it didn't matter. I was supported for the first breastfeed and he latched perfectly. This was probably the best feed we had for the two weeks I managed to feed, but I'll cover that more in later posts. Then he dropped off to sleep cuddling his daddy! I was worried at this point we would be sent home, but my midwife laughed, “it’s 10 o’ clock, you need to be here a minimum of 6 hours so we won’t chuck you out in the middle of the night!”

I was told I would need stitches which was unsurprising. Thankfully, it turned out they weren’t that bad. Because of the expert advice of my midwife, I hadn't torn, but had a few grazes because the baby had crowned for so long, and a laceration. At that point I realised I need to pee desperately! I wanted to do so before the stitches if I could. I walked/shuffled to the toilet but couldn’t go, even though I knew my bladder was full. Unfortunately, that meant I also needed a catheter as well as stitches but it was worth it for the 700ml of urine that came out!!! As it turned out, although I don’t particularly remember drinking lots, I clearly had kept well hydrated during labour which they were pleased about. 

I wasn’t prepared for how long the stitches would take - I think I was probably being stitched for 2 hours or possibly even more. My midwife observed while the head midwife did it. I’m not sure why, but it definitely seemed the head midwife had done it more times than my own midwife. I have to be honest, I had a local injection which was fine, but I needed gas and air, particularly for the last stitch in the laceration! I was almost drunk I took that much at that point and it’s easily worse than labour, but she did an excellent job and looked after me well. 

At some point before I was stitched and after the birth, I was brought tea and toast and what they tell you is true - it is the best tea and toast you will ever have in your life!! Because I was feeding Cailean, the tea went cold but I shared the toast with my husband - remember, he hadn’t eaten since lunch and this was my worry during labour! 

The same woman who brought the tea and toast helped me to the shower. I think I would have preferred a bath at this point, as I almost collapsed in the shower I was so dizzy. It took me ages to get into pjs again and get my stuff together to be moved to the room we would be in overnight. I think by the time I was ready to move it must have been about 1:30am, so that will tell you how long my stitches took and how long it was before I could move! I ended up having to get a wheelchair to the new room. I had to use this to go to the toilet and get onto the bed, but was offered more tea and toast which was great. Through all of this, Cailean was sleeping soundly. He was such a good wee soul and we got some much needed rest, although it was difficult because we just kept checking on him the whole time and couldn’t believe we had a son! I put the way he is completely down to the way he entered this world - calmly and quietly. 

My midwife had said she would check in on us before her shift ended, but it turned out she left us sleeping. I was gutted because I thought I wouldn’t get the opportunity to thank her for everything. There are no words to describe how you feel about the midwives who help during labour and then deliver your baby. They are the reason our baby arrived safely into this world - how can thank you ever be enough for something like that? We owed her, and my other midwife everything! Little did I know, I would get the opportunity to see her the following night...

As I said at the start of the post, I've not told my birth story to be smug or to rub it in that I had a better labour than people I know who had a horrendous time. This is to demonstrate that birth doesn’t have to be traumatic, or pain like you’ve never imagined. Unfortunately, sometimes people will have traumatic births, but their stories should be heralded just as much, if not more, than ones like mine. We have all done an incredible thing, regardless of what the details were and I certainly consider it to be my life’s greatest achievement. The high I felt made me realise I could do it all over again and for that, I know I am very lucky. I completely put this down to the digital hypnobirthing pack from the Positive Birth Company and my amazing birth partners. I couldn’t have done it without the tools and the people in my corner to support me. That continues to be the case today, 3 months on - I don't know where I would be without the amazing support from my family!

In the next post I’ll discuss the early days and my (unplanned), extended stay in hospital!