#I’m way meaner when I vent I will give you that but who isn’t?

[aeraspais]

i know you said you’re not talking about it but i don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a little disappointed with how the gerrard stuff played out. no i don’t think it was a redemption arc but i’m still disappointed by that storyline generally. people not loving every choice the show makes doesn’t make them stupid

You can be disappointed in how it turned out, but for clarification’s sake, I do not think disliking a choice makes anyone “stupid.” I think the gleeful misreadings/misinterpretations of the show’s intentions has made people say stupid things in the race to set the "fandom dialogue.” My problem has and always will be the echo chamber both 9-1-1blr and 9-1-1twt foster in order to shut down any opinions about how the show received that’s not follow a particular fractions’ preferences. If you are not a contributor to that type of environment, we do not have beef and I will respect your opinion even if we disagree! I don’t always see eye to eye with my closest friends in this fandom, but I still understand where they're coming from.

[titleknown]

I will say, having come across this essay by a person being disturbed by the amount of stagnation in book Twitter’s reading takes, and while it makes some good points, there’s one thing I think it ignores...

MOST PEOPLE RESPONDING TO THE PERCEIVED STAGNATION OF READING TASTES ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO ARE ACTIVELY MAKING SHIT WORSE!

Like, a lot of my defensiveness over my own tastes is traumagenic, I will freely admit to this! But the essay’s solution to this is as follows:

and maybe that harshness isn’t the right approach to persuade people who i’d hope would be persuaded, but i don’t know, honestly i think we’re long overdue to start being harsh about it and i’m going to give that a little nudge. at this point, my visceral reaction to seeing this is just thinking “grow up”, and that they���ve been indulged and welcomed and catered to enough already now.

 Do you think it’s going to fucking help to encourage me to diversify my interests by replicating my trauma in a public space trying to make it unsafe for my interests via shame? NO, NO IT DOESN’T!

It activates that fucking trauma response and makes me double the fuck down! Especially as an autistic person for whom “grow up” was basically used as a phrase to shit on me for my disability and my tastes, a thing I don’t think I’m alone on, but I digress.

And the linked essay (which, don’t be a dick to them, if you are you’re missing the whole fucking point of this rant) is the nice version of that. I’ve seen stuff saying that shit on this site that’s a whole lot uglier and a whole lot more dogwhistle-y ableist.

But, like, I’m a person who likes finding new and different shit. I can recommend you a fair few obscure and weird works, feel free to send me some asks on that if you’ve got a subject of interest!

But, imagine how much that fucks up people who don’t have that sense of exploration?! Imagine how much it makes them want to do less exploration, because the second-worst way to get people interested in something is to treat it as a chore and force them to do at threat of public shame!

The first worst way is to shit on people’s current tastes and interests in the interests of getting them to look at something else, which is what they also fucking do. Constantly. Because the same people who say that shit are so often the people who say “bring back bullying”

And on that note, the people who say that are shit as educators! They spend more fucking time bitching about the lack of interest in the classics than; say; actually getting people interested in them! Which like, I get that not every gripe and vent has to have a purpose of direct action, but when I keep fucking seeing a hole like that in your discourse, I gotta question your goal.

And don’t fucking get me started on how these assholes also keep fucking bitching about the “fandomization” of the classics they keep begging people to read, because it’s not fucking enough they read the classics, they have to read them correctly.

Or, if I can be even meaner, the only endgame I see to this cultural push in terms of where current action on the part of the people saying it leads is basically the whole “bring back bullying” shit via making shared spaces unsafe for “wrong” interests, which is viewed as somehow going to magically diversify people’s interests.

Which like, buddy, making people shit on fanfic again like it’s 2005 isn’t going to make Ao3 any less of a shithole and it isn’t going to break up Disney/Warner/Viacom. It will lead to a bunch of autistic kids getting bullied

Like, I think there’s some points to be made about the need to expand one’s tastes, and in fairness, at least that essay I linked tries to address some of the points I made, which are broadly directed at posts in the same Genre I keep seeing.

But the point stands, STOP BEING FUCKING ASSHOLES, YOU’RE MAKING THE PROBLEMS YOU CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT WORSE!

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SOLVE THE FAILURES OF THE US EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM BY BULLYING AUTISTIC KIDS ON TUMBLR AND/OR THE WRETCHED BIRD SITE! YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE THEM MORE OBNOXIOUS AND DEFENSIVE!

[dragynkeep]

Hi there, ironpines! (Love the name btw, I read a really good fic about ironwood being a father-figure to Oscar when RWBY and co. get to Atlas).

So this is probably going to be very long but I’ve really gotta vent about some stuff.

(Also, first ask. I honestly didn’t know how to do this for the longest time. Just got back into tumblr a bit ago).

1. I hate Jaune Arc (a lot of people do), but I want to know why. Do you think/believe he’s an author’s pet? Also, why the HELL did he kill Penny in the first place?!? Why not Winter, Nora, or Ruby? Why did he have to go to the island? Just- WHY?

2. In the first three volumes I really liked Team RWBY, but now….how did they get so skewed? What went wrong? How can Ruby be THAT arrogant that she point-blank says to Qrow: “we never needed an adult’s help.” Like- yes you did! If not for Qrow killing the Grimm in v4 they would have been continuously fighting Grimm. I’m the fight against Tyrian (one of my favorite characters and favorite fights) if not for Ruby getting in the way Qrow wouldn’t have been POISONED!

3. (This is the one I’m going to get cyber-ly killed for). (I also had just started RWBY when volume 5 was airing weekly.) The beginning of Volume 5, in my opinion was good. I liked the first five-six chapters, but when AU watched ‘Rest and Resolutions’ V5C7, I was so angry! Everything about the conversation between Ruby, Weiss, and Yang felt so out of character and out of place. It was so bad and the next episodes following that were not good either (only the raven v cinder fight was any good). The battle of Haven was a train wreck that I honestly have no idea how I even retained braincells after that. Like- why KEEP teasing Weiss v emerald if you aren’t going to do anything with it. Why tease Mercury v Yang if you’re not going to do anything new and interesting with the two (Mercury isn’t even a character anymore!)

4. I wish we got good rep. I really wish we didn’t get confirmation on LGBTQ+ characters from supplemental material (that’s not even canon). And I’ve gotta ask, why do you consider cannon? Cuz for me, the only things I consider actually CANNON to the storyline are the Red, White, Black, Yellow Trailers and the show itself (Grimm Eclipse just for the sake of more cool lore about Mountain Glenn and the fact of mutant Grimm). That’s it. I don’t consider the World of Remnants, manga (DC or otherwise, those were HORRIBLE!), anthologies, and the DISGUSTING novels.

(This is the last thing, I promise!)

5. I’m working on a quasi-rewrite RWBY fic and I didn’t know whether or not I should post the first chapter on my page or not. I just really don’t want the simps to come for my head (though it might happen anyway). But I’ve been writing this for about a year and a half now and I really want to post it but I’m so nervous about the reception and backlash. What do you think?

Thanks for answering me and indulging the fact that it’s okay to like something and still want it to be better (critics/the Rwde tag is my favorite because I can read opinions that I mused share but are too scared to put as a post).

Thanks, we picked Ironpines because we loved Ironwood and Oscar, and then our friends, being the good friends they are, immediately told us it was the ship name for them so now we can't have anything nice.

1) First off, yes, we absolutely think Jaune is an author's pet. We don't really go for self-insert anymore since everyone in RWBY was a self-insert, Monty clearly based them off his friends. But now, Jaune is absolutely an author's pet and has been since the start of the show.

Just look at Volume 1. Jaune literally had more of a storyline than Yang, one of the girls in the title. He then went on to have a dumb love triangle in V2, only to resolve it with Neptune without any input from Weiss, because why not, and then V3 was Jaune finally taking more of a step back for Pyrrha, who was long over due some character.

Until V4 where, rather than everyone mourning Pyrrha, we focused on Jaune mourning her instead. Nevermind that Pyrrha was Ren and Nora's teammate too, probably their only family since they're orphans, or how Ruby literally watched Pyrrha die in front of her. Nope, gotta focus on Jaune. Add that it stretches into V5 also, adding another storyline about his Semblance while Ren, Nora, and Ruby have to stand in the background and wait their turn, while Weiss literally loses all her braincells so she's injured for Jaune's development, how the confrontation with Cinder doesn't go to Ruby, the main protagonist, but Jaune.

Then we get that stupid statue scene in V6 that took over Oscar finally getting some development of his own. It's not even the whole team, because it's only Jaune that gets to meet the lady who totally isn't Pyrrha's mother, it's Jaune that gets the big teary moment, and how Ren and Nora have to stop and comfort Jaune because of course they have to.

I was glad that Jaune finally took a backseat in V7. I actually started to like him again, because he wasn't sucking screentime away from those who need it. But then V8 happened and now I want him dead.

I've said it countless times before so I don't wanna repeat myself, but Jaune is one of the last people that should've killed Penny. He shouldn't have killed her, he shouldn't have had the big tearful scene because another redhead died, he shouldn't have fallen into the void to join Team RWBY, but he did. Now there's no doubt in my mind that Jaune is a fucking author's pet, because the writers won't let him go into the background where he belongs.

2) There's not much to say about Team RWBY. They just suck now.

3) After watching V8, V5 is no longer my least favourite volume. That's how bad it was.

4) Yeah, RWBY's rep is absolute trash and it's because they keep putting it in supplemental material, and also because they look at the LGBT and only see L. The only MLM we have is Scarlet, and he's a catty fae gay stereotype that is so unlikeable and voiced by a creep. Nevermind the whole Fairgame queerbait controversy because this company can't stop themselves for five minutes.

5) I always say that, when you post work on the internet, whether its art of writing, you have to understand that you will get criticism back. It'll suck, especially when you've put so much time and effort into something, but that's the risk you have to take as a content creator.

The good thing is that AO3 has features that let you manage what you see properly. If people just want to hate without giving proper criticism, you can always remove it and ignore it, but I personally believe that people aren't entitled to criticism when it's only said nicely. Sometimes, people will get annoyed and say it in a meaner way, but that doesn't make the criticism any less valid.

Either way, decide based on how you think you'll react to it. If you don't want the stress of criticism, be careful, but if you think you can handle it? Then go for it, the world's your oyster.

[saturnsgrove-ed]

Saturn's Grove

Entry 1

Monday, June 14th, 2021

TW: eating disorders, ED behaviors, self loathing, mental health struggles, jokes about suicide that aren't actually 100% jokes, dark humor, abuse mention, dysfunctional family.

NOT A PRO BLOG. THIS IS JUST MY FEELINGS. NO THINSPO EVER.

Cw: 164

44lbs from next GW, 54lbs from UGW

!!! -Originally from an ed discord server personal vent channel ("diary" channels), for context on some of the points I've made in the second to last paragraph.

I am currently debating throwing all of my food away. I might. I probably will, actually. Give it to the chickens, let them gorge and grow fat and happy on my self induced suffering-- that sounds about right.

Anyway, what spurred this shit? Great question. Not planning on answering that so early here, but I'll preface, in short, with 🌟Family Trouble🌟 and past history of 🌟Abuse🌟

For future reference, if you see "🌟" Its a lovely tone indicator that I am being sarcastically reverent to that which causes me the most pain. :)

Escapist fantasies are nice, I've been thinking about dropping everything and moving to Missouri. But why the fuck would I move to Missouri? Not sure. Just like the landscape, I think. West Virginia, too. Anything that is 1: not the desert, and 2: at least three states away from my family, would be lovely. Do you ever get that desire to simply.. walk off into the wilderness and just die? Welcome to the vibe of my life! Death and escapism are irrevocably intertwined here, because isn't death just the ultimate escape?

Unfortunately, I am a coward, so the ultimate escape will have to wait until I have a breakdown severe enough to make me grow a pair and try it! Probably not gonna happen. As I stated before, I am, first and foremost, a 🌟coward🌟. Which, I suppose is what also leads to my terrible coping mechanism of lying in the face of danger or conflict -- instead of just coming out with it when things get shitty.

On to other things...

I have started a 3-ish day fast, a liquid fast because I am weak, to punish myself. I would like to be able to go for an entire month, we'll see how that goes. I was friends with someone, once, in an old ED server who managed an entire month before ending up in the hospital. I'd like to think I could manage it, and, due to living out in buttfuck nowhere Arizona, maybe I could just die! Doubtful Apologies if my humor offends, I'm really only partially joking, and... Well, you did come here of your own volition.

Also excuse my lengthy and roundabout ways to explaining things, 'tis the curse of an author who never writes in first person. Third person is far more appealing, but it would be strange to refer to myself as "Kaden", using pronouns that are not a single letter, or do not explicitly start with "m" and end with "e". Strange doesn't encompass it, really. You should try it sometime; write about yourself as though you're looking in from the outside. It's terribly revealing and I don't think I've ever been meaner to myself. You can only say "I hate myself" so many ways in first person perspective after all... second person is lovely, however. "You stupid bitch" "Why would you eat that" "This is why you're a fat, ugly fuck." Lovely, but third person? Oh man. So strange, but so satisfying. Reading it back later on is like reading a personal attack from a close friend, and it is terrible fuel for my self destructive tendencies -- alas, it is still just a bit too strange to do consistently.

This is what I was talking about when I referred to tangents, ironically enough. The idea of personal diary channels is actually a really interesting one; personal vent threads, the private and intimate illusion of a personal diary, yet the public scrutiny and possible ridicule of an open discord channel. My heart is palpatating at the very thought, though I suppose that could just be my vitamin deficiencies.

Anyway, that's all for now, but I'll be back soon enough, I'm sure. Don't be surprised if my writing style flips around a bit depending on my mood-- this is my lowest which, interestingly enough, lends itself to a rather in depth but still sarcastic and self depreciating voice in my words and explanations of things. Being buried by your own thoughts and feelings had that effect, I suppose.

Bye for now

[v3-killing-harmony-imagines]

While I can relate to this in a way, it’s not exactly like this, anyways I hope everything is okay anon!

-Mod Shuichi

potential trigger warning 

Shuichi Saihara

He had a hunch that something was up

Wearing long sleeves almost all the time, having a habit of crossing your arms....

It was just a thought that floated in the back of his mind.

He noticed your sleeve falling down as you went to pick up something and saw the gleaming contrast of stark white lines against darker, fleshier skin.

He...looked away once he saw you looking, awkwardly fidgeting with his hands and his gaze downcast.

“You can ask.” You said.

“Huh?”

“About my arms, I’m sure it’s been killing you.”

He frowned. “Yeah, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable...”

 “If you are I’ll let you know, okay?”

He sighed, but nodded, leading you to sit down.

It’ll be a long conversation, with Shuichi trying his best to paraphrase some...touchy questions.

Ex: what made you do this, are you still doing it- and most importantly-  how can he help.

Please be patient with him, he has your best interest in mind. 

Amami Rantarou:

When it comes to Rantarou’s problems he’s always very secretive and unwilling to speak about whats going on. Almost like Ouma.

But when it comes to his s/o’s issues, he’s got that covered.

But when he realized you had self-harm scars he....didn’t know how to approach this.

He could always just bite the bullet and ask up front but...he feels like that 

would end badly for the both of you.

He decides to hint at it occasionally, and every time you questioned him about it he immediately let off of the pressure.

This back and forth cycle continued on for a couple of weeks, before you finally did’t let any more of it slide.

“Just say it to my face, Amami, what do you want to know?”

“Why you’d decide to scar yourself.”

You falter for a split second, and Amami is already apologizing when you shush him.

“Its fine, you deserve to know.”

So you tell him why, or when and how it all started, where you’re at right now and what’s on your mind about the future.

“I really was concerned about you, and I wasn’t sure of how to bring it up, sorry.” he places his hand on yours, comfort evident.

He makes an oath to help your out anytime you need it, so you won’t have to suffer anymore.

Kaito Momota:

VERY VERY UNSUBTLE.

At first he asks, “Hey s/o! What are those scars you have on your arms from? They like from a fight or something.”

Your face whitens, “Uh...something like that?”

“Well when did it happen?” Kaito over here has no idea that these were caused by 

“It...Kaito I really...” you sighed. “It’s not like what you think.”

“What is it then....?”

You explain it to him, and as you keep talking you can see the confused yet excited look slide off of his face like a greasy egg in a pan.

And he just, psychically can;t say anything, he’s actually breaking out in a sweat.

“Doesn’t that...hurt..?”

“In more ways than one.”

“Then...why?”

He starts blaming himself, asking if he wasn’t good enough, if he couldn’t make you happy.

He’s not happy about it, he has to leave the room because his emotions are getting the best of him. 

Things are....awlkward, needless to say, for a while.

He does want to help it just...he feels weird about it, the idea of you hurting yourself...it sends a shiver down his spine.

He’s a bit selfish during this, and he knows and he hates it, because you should be the one being afraid if anything, not him.

But it’s new to him, and he’s terrified of this new way he has to think about you (because it is, he;s always thought of you as happy and cheerful) 

It’s a change of his perspective, and it’s rocky at first but you two will work through it together.

Kiibo: 

He’s confused when he first sees them, and asks if you’ve been in contact with any gerbils or cats lately.

A really, really feral gerbil or cat.

Because what else could cause so many scars and marks?

Due to his misconception you just...let him think what he wants for a while, until you’re comfortable with telling him 

And so for the longest time Kiibo goes around telling everyone that you’re being attacked by wild animals daily.

Unfortunately, Ouma eventually finds out about this, growing quiet when you enter a room, vague hinting at it sometimes.

You’ll be having a conversation with him just a normal, before his demeanor changes and he says. “How long are you going to keep lying to Kiibo?”

He then reverts back to his bubbly self, pretending like nothing happened.

From Ouma’s “encouragement” and your guilt from not telling Kiibo, you decide to tell him once and for all.

And at first he’s confused, until you bring up you’ve done it to yourself.

“Oh, self-harm and hatred, usually caused by anxiety or depression.”

He takes it surprisingly well, reassuring (or boasting on his part) that he was always searching for causes from external parties, not internal.

He isn’t very...delicate, when it comes to talking about emotional subjects like depression, etc, but he understands it, and knows the steps to take in order to help you.

Just...call him out when you feel uncomfortable, and tell him what he needs to do, he’ll adapt very quickly, and if anything, you’ll be closer by the end of it.

Ouma Kokichi:

He always had a hunch that something was up, but for the life of him he could never figure out what.

He’d try and pry the information out of you, but when you don’t even know what you’re asking someone to confess it makes things difficult.

So he sat, and schemed for a while, helplessly waiting for a clue to pass by.

When he does get this clue, it’d from another person, Kiibo, Maki, Kaede- someone who’s close to you.

And he’s shocked, and feels betrayed.

Not because you didn’t tell him, but because you told someone else before him.

He know its petty for him to think like that but he’s too busy being jealous to think of anything else.

His whole meaner around you will change, hawk-eye- staring at you as you walk into the room, giving hints that you should probably just tell the truth to him, basically everything he can do physically without actually having to straight up ask you.

This method takes too long, so finally he just decides to ask you “Do you not trust me enough to tell me the truth.”

He’s a big walking hypocrite, god knows that he’s not one for telling the truth to anyone. 

He’s fed up with the situation , and mostly himself that he just gets up, makes an excuse and leaves.

The next time you talk to him it’s to talk things out and explain why you told others before him.

He’s angry, but it’s not anger at you, at himself for not being able to protect you, to make you think you couldn’t tell him.

He’s crying, actually fucking crying because he thinks of the pain you’ve gone through just because he was stupid enough not to put two and two together.

You reassure him it’s not his fault, that you didn’t want him seeing you so broken, he’ll still blame himself.  “I love you, I don’t want you to ever, ever fucking forget that.” He clenches his teeth. “Okay?” his voice quavers, and the night is spent close together, tears being shed and bodies shaking.

Korekiyo Shinguji:

He’s a calmer, quieter reactor.

He never wanted to pry into it, as he knows that there are things people just want to keep to himself.

When you do tell him he thanks you for trusting him enough to share him with that information

He gently asks what was the cause behind all of this, and suggests other methods to vent your feelings.

Like painting or drawing on yourself, slapping yourself with rubber bands, he even discuses the idea of going to a therapist.

And if you want other methods of pain, there’s pleanty.

(Aka, more sexual, and delivered to one by another person, not drawing blood or a lot of it at least)

Overall he’s very supportive, willing to do about anything if it means helping you.

he adapts very quickly, and nothing has changed between the two of you.

Gonta Gokuhara: 

Just like with most things, he’s clueless and can’t wrap his head around it.

He’s just always assumed those marks were from an animal or thorn, some outdoor elements.

The first time he actually considers that it might be something else, he assumes someone has hurt you, and freaks out.

When you get him to calm down, and reassure him that no one has hurt him, he’s relieved,  but still a little puzzled.

When or if you do tell them that the marks are self-inflicted he honestly doesn’t understand why someone would want to hurt themselves.

You have to teach him that there’s people who...are in a lot of pain and do things because of it.

By the end of it he doesn’t understand the psychological element behind it, but understands that you’re in pain, which makes you do it.

So, to help out , he asks you what he can do to help you not be in pain.

They range from mundane things, making sure the bed is comfy, that your shoes are the right size to more complex tasks, talking about your feelings and giving gentle head-pats, telling you he loves you.

Ryoma Hoshi:

He tapped your arms and thighs. “You too?”

You looked confused, he clarified, biting his candy cigar. 

“You have so much pain in your life that you need to cut it out of yourself to numb you, fight fire with fire as they say.”

You gulp, he releases your arm. “It’s alright.” 

He pulls up the sleeves of his jumpsuit. “I know that you’ve been through.”

Tears well up in your eyes, biting the bottom of your lip, quivering.

He opens his arms, and you dive into the, letting all your dark thoughts and releasing it.

He coos into your ear, doing his best to hush your cries.

He stays with your for as long as you need after that. 

[saltydemonloves]

Beautiful Bride: Chapter One

Subtext: In a town, in a kingdom long forgotten, there lived a father and his three daughters. There was the oldest, Maria, then Elizabeth, and finally Victoria. 

These girls were known throughout the land for their great beauty. A young lord offered a great deal of money for the hand of Maria and their father gave her away all too willingly.  

From this, grew greed in their father. With the money he gained from Maria’s marriage, he bought land with a large house and a barn. Something he had been jealous of when it came to the richer men that pranced about town. That is where the rest of his family moved and stayed.

With a majority of the last of his money, he recreated his and his daughter’s appearance. Especially his daughters. Suddenly, their lives completely changed. Elizabeth and Victoria were immediately put into etiquette classes, put into the finest dresses, and shoved into social events in the hopes of attracting the attention of some rich men.

Eventually, another offer was made. Elizabeth was married off to another lord. An older cousin to her brother in law and then she too was taken away. With his new money, their father bought a place amongst the town’s council.

Victoria makes her way down the stairs of her home and walks with a frown to the kitchen. It was empty all throughout the house with no signs of anyone being home except for her.

Was today another meeting? She tries recalling if her father had mentioned anything of the sort. It is likely that he thought it unnecessary to say anything. Shrugging, she walks into the pantry to find herself an apple to snack on before going to make her way outside. But before she could, a sack catches her eye.

She unties the cloth and peeks inside to see her father’s lunch resting, forgotten. Narrowing her eyes, Victoria breathes a soft sigh before retying the cloth. She takes it and her apple and steps outside, taking just a moment to breathe in the fresh warm air. It is a nice day to go into town, Victoria thinks.

She steers herself towards the stables and smiles softly at the sight of her horse, Angel. “Hello, darling,” Victoria says brightly, smiling. Angel huffs in response and starts to get excited. Giggling, Victoria pulls Angel out of his stable and hands him the other half of her apple. “You want to go into town? Father forgot his lunch again.”

Angel doesn’t say much and continues munching on his apple while Victoria saddles him up.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Victoria murmurs, “I don’t want to go. I especially don’t want to go into the townhouse.” She waits and watches as Angel turns his head and stares at Victoria. Giving Angel a sideways smile, she continues, “The Head of the Council, Louis,” she says his name sourly and with disgust, “is always staring at me.” She brushes her hand against Angel’s neck and frowns worriedly.

Angel huffs and reaches for her shoulder, bumping her gently. He brings her back from her worry and she smiles thankfully. “Let’s go.”

She reaches the town and catches her father as he was leaving the council building. Jumping off of Angel she runs up to him, “Father!” He turns and scans the small crowd before his eyes fall on a grinning Victoria. His brows raise questioningly and when she reaches him she holds his lunch up, “You forgot again.”

“Ah!” he exclaims, taking it from her and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “You’ve saved me from spending extra money on lunch this evening.”

“Alex, I see your daughter has met you for lunch today,” the cold voice of Louis intrudes their small conversation and pulls Victoria’s father from him.

If not for her thorough lessons teaching her how to react and act like a lady, Victoria would have scowled angrily. But instead, she puts on a kind face and politely bows her head. She speaks in a controlled, soft voice, “I was simply delivering him his lunch, sir.”

“Please,” he grins widely and reaches forward, taking her hand from it’s clasped position and bringing it to his lips. “Call me Louis.” Laughing nervously, she pulls her hand from his and holds them together behind her back. Subtly wiping the back of her hand off on her dress.

“Louis,” Victoria repeats, forcing the name out of her mouth.

“Would you be so kind as to join us for lunch,” Louis asks. It sounded more like he was ordering it in the guise of a question. “I would love to get to know you.”

Internally, Victoria grimaces. But on the outside, she only smiles and shakes her head. “I’m afraid that I can’t.”

“Why not?” Louis frowns deeply and it deepens the lines in his face, making him look even meaner.

“I-I have a visit with my sisters planned today,” she stutters, backing away towards her horse slowly. “We’ve been planning it for weeks and it would be so rude to cancel on the day of. Besides, Maria needs help with Anna.”

“Ah yes, little Anna. How old is she now?”

“She’ll be a year old in a month,” Victoria answers. “Now really, I must go.”

“Perhaps afterward then,” Louis says offhandedly, making Victoria falter. She glances at her father who could only stand to the side and watch the interaction, his face was blank and his eyes empty. Most likely tuning the two of them out. Victoria can only manage a short and weak nod. Her face suddenly pale.

She backs away until she reaches Angel and exhales slowly. Angel nuzzles her face as she unties him from a post. Chuckling softly, she catches his face and scratches his cheek gently, “I’m fine. It’s not anything that I can’t vent to my sisters about.” She climbs up onto his saddle and clicks her tongue to signal to him to move. Victoria only spares one glance back to where her father and Louis stood, Louis, looking crossed and annoyed as he spoke to her father. Turning back around, Victoria shakes her head and focuses on the road ahead of her.

“He’s so old!” Victoria exclaims, wrangling her niece into her lap and squeezing her against her chest. “Ugh.”

Maria and Elizabeth both share a concerned expression before Maria presses her full lips together, “Father would never-”

“He wouldn’t-” Elizabeth murmurs.

Maria inhales deeply and shakes her head before smiling reassuringly to her little sister, “Really, Tori, Father would never send you off with someone so… well aged.”

“Are you sure?” Victoria grumbles, resting her cheek atop the young toddler’s head. “He seems to be willing to do anything for the proper amount of money.”

“I-I’m sure he’s just interested because of how little he actually sees you. The sense of mystery is an arousing thing.” Victoria and Maria share a groan at what their sister had just said. Elizabeth crosses her arms and pouts, “Well it’s true!”

“I don’t want him to find me arousing! I don’t want him to find me anything.” Victoria sighs before adding softly, “I just want to exist quietly and blend into the background where no one will ever notice me again.”

Sighing, Maria shakes her head, “You’re too beautiful for anyone to not notice you.”

“There are plenty of beautiful girls in town. I’m not special!”

Maria and Elizabeth stay silent, watching as Victoria stewed in her own anger and self-pity. There was nothing to say really. They understood where she was coming from. But what Maria said was too true. It would be impossible for anyone to not notice her. Now that she was the last of the sisters, there was more attention and pressure on her.

The sisters shared plenty of similarities, but no one would mistake them for twins or triplets. Their hair was ebony in color and curly, their skin the color of warm honey, and their eyes a light green. But that is where their similarities end. Victoria was tall and graceful, with a full figure body. Elizabeth was the shortest of the three, the most voluptuous of the three. Victoria was a head taller than Elizabeth and a head shorter than Maria. Her body was lean with slight curves.

Sighing softly, Maria scoots forward in her seat and reaches for Victoria’s knee, placing her hand there gently. “E-Even if father did make that sort of arrangement, it wouldn’t be that bad.” Victoria’s eyes snap to Maria and burn with surprised anger. “Just think about it! He’s well into his older years, the marriage wouldn’t last that long.”

“Of course,” Victoria snaps. “That’s just what I want, to marry unwillingly to some perv and then become an unwanted widow.” She huffs and lets Anna slip from her lap. Crossing her arms, Victoria’s angry expression softens slightly, “Why can’t I just be left alone for the rest of my life.”

“Surely you don’t want that, Vicky,” Elizabeth moves to sit next to her on the sofa. “It really isn’t that bad!”

“Easy for you to say!” Victoria stands up abruptly making her sisters jump. She steps away from them and glares angrily at the two, “You two have happy marriages with loving husbands. Who seem to dote on you two.”

“What makes you think, hypothetically, that  councilman Louis wouldn’t do the same?”

“He doesn’t stare at me like I’m something to love.” Victoria’s brows push together and she shakes her head. “The way he looks at me,” her words tremble, “it’s so scary. I feel more like an easy prize to be won than anything else. Something that he wants to own.”

A/n: Hello! Please tell me what you think and leave a review! I always appreciate helpful and kind comments, they make my day!!

[nightterrorsblog]

GLOBOPHOBIA - PATIENT RECORD HB198610D

Patient Name: Harrison, Brenda

Age: 32

Sex: Female

Diagnosis: Globophobia, fear of balloons

The following journal entries were retrieved from the patient’s home on 02/07/2018 by Agent 14.

9/24/2017

My therapist wants me to document my “attacks”, so here I am.

I went bowling with Kevin today. There was a kid’s birthday party happening when we got there. I used my breathing exercises and tried to ignore the balloons they had tied everyfuckingwhere so that I could relax with my boyfriend and have some fun. It worked for a while, but when the party ended and the adults were cleaning up their mess, a yellow balloon came loose and floated up to the ceiling. No one could reach it and I guess it hit some air flow from a vent or something, and it floated right down to my lane.

I swear to God, the fucking thing stopped dead right above me and started to sink down like I was wearing a magnet for it or some shit. I ran into the bathroom and stayed there until Kevin helped one of the employees get it down and came and got me. He says he understands, but I can tell by the look in his eyes that he thinks I’m being stupid.

9/27/2017

Went to the store today. They decided to decorate for football season, apparently. Black and yellow balloons are tied to every damn register. I remembered the birthday party shit and walked out. I guess I’m ordering pizza tonight.

10/3/2017

Fuck that clown. Kevin says he was just being nice, but I swear to God that bastard was mocking me. “Take a balloon, ma’am, they’re free! No strings attached, I promise! Except the ones that keep them from flying away! HONK HONK I promise they don’t bite!” Get bent, you Pennywise looking asshole.

Kevin says I overreacted and that I embarrassed him. We got into a big fight and he left. Now he won’t answer my phone calls. Guess that’s over.

10/10/2017

Started a new medication today. Maybe this will work better than the hypnotherapy and other meds did. It fucking better. I hate needles.

10/14/2017

Got home from work today to find a yellow balloon tied to the doorknob on my front door. It had an angry face with sharp teeth drawn on it.

I went in through the back door and called my neighbor, but he wasn’t home. I could see the balloon through the window on the door. It had turned so that the face was looking at me. I barricaded myself in my bedroom and hid under my blankets, but I could still feel the fucking thing watching me.

My neighbor called me when he got home a couple of hours later, but he said there wasn’t a balloon on my door when he checked. Whoever put it there must have cleaned up the evidence.

It had to have been Kevin. Fuck you, Kevin.

11/16/2017

I was doing so well! I was able to go back to the store with the football decorations the other day and actually buy something. Sure, I had a panic attack in my car afterward, but it was progress! I thought the medicine might have been helping, but how much can anything help when someone decides to torment you?

There was another yellow balloon with a face drawn on it tied to my TV remote today. This face looked angrier and meaner than the last one. I ran outside and called the cops when I found it. It was gone when they got there. They looked all over the place to see if whoever left it was still in the house, but nope. They also didn’t find any clues pointing to how he got in.

This is so fucked up. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

11/25/2017

Had an emergency appointment with my therapist today. I keep having nightmares about the fucking balloons. I can’t sleep. Everytime I close my eyes, I dream about angry yellow balloons chasing me, watching me, hurting me. Last night I dreamt that a bunch of them tied me down with ribbon and ate me alive. I can still hear the sounds of the balloons rubbing together while they fought for space to take bites. Ugh.

I’m afraid to leave my house and give that asshole another opportunity to fuck with me.

The therapist encouraged me to stay on my new meds and call the cops when I don’t feel safe. What if I never feel safe?

11/30/2017

Woke up this morning and went to make myself some breakfast. When I opened the refrigerator to grab the eggs, a yellow balloon flew out at me. The face on it was really twisted this time, and it kept coming toward me no matter what I did. I started throwing stuff at it, but it kept coming. I passed out at some point.

I guess my neighbor heard the commotion and called the cops. They were there when I woke up. The balloon wasn’t.

12/5/2017

Went to the hospital today. I went out to grab my mail and when I turned around to walk back into the house, I spotted a yellow balloon with a fanged smiley face drawn on it floating in my living room window. I guess I stumbled backward and stepped off of the curb, right into the path of a dude riding his bike down the street.

I have a concussion and some nasty bruises, but I’ll be alright, I guess. I saw the doctor who gives me my shots on my way out. He was super focused on reading something in a blue notebook, so I didn’t bother him.

Surprise, surprise. The balloon wasn’t there when I got home. I thought about reporting it to the police again, but at this point the only thing that’s gonna get me is a nice vacation in a padded room. The cops that came last time were thinking about it, I could tell.

I’m not crazy. I just want this to stop. I don’t think I can take much more.

12/9/2017

I’ve seen angry yellow balloons literally everywhere I go. Doctor is worried that my concussion is worse than they thought. MRIs are loud and uncomfortable.

12/20/2017

My therapist thought it would be a good idea to bring a yellow balloon out during my session today. Stupid bitch. “You need to face your fears, Brenda.” Fuck that shit. I bet she set up the camera so she could laugh at my reaction later with her buddies. “Clinical study” my ass.

I tried. I really did. Then Satan’s party favor started coming at me and I started screaming and crying like a fucking baby. Bitchface let it push me into a corner before she took it away. She said something about static electricity making it attracted to me, but I could tell she was making shit up to placate me. She seemed more interested in scribbling notes about the incident than actually convincing me that it was totally normal. I’m not stupid.

1/2/2018

Another one popped out of my closet this morning and rushed at me when I opened the door. Its eyes were colored red and its fangs were so big that it took up half of the balloon. I grabbed my softball bat and swung at it. When I made contact, it burst and this black goo sprayed everywhere. It got all over my arm and burned my skin. I wiped the goo off and went to the hospital.

I’m not crazy. The 2nd degree burns under the bandage on my arm tell me so.

So where the hell did the balloon corpse and all the black goo go?

1/9/2018

My arm isn’t healing. The burn is this gross brownish color. I think it’s infected. The balloons keep appearing, but they’re keeping their distance. Like they’re watching me, waiting for something.

1/14/2018

I swear to God the fucking burn is spreading and it’s turning yellow. My therapist says it looks the same to her as it did last week. Useless bitch.

1/20/2018

I’m writing this from my bed, hiding under the covers like a fucking child. There are like 10 yellow balloons floating in my bedroom. Every single one of them has this creepy smile drawn on. I tried to call the cops, but my phone is dead. I could have sworn I plugged it in last night.

I can hear them laughing at me through the covers. My arm burns. I think it’s swollen too.

I don’t know how long I’ve been under here. I keep dozing in and out. I’m starving, but those fucking things are still there. I tried to get out of my bedroom, but they swarmed me and I dove back under my covers.

I took the bandage off of my arm. It’s not even covering the wound anymore. The burn itself takes up my entire forearm, and my whole arm is yellow like an old bruise and so swollen that I can’t even bend it. It smells as badly as it burns.

I heard someone knocking. My whole body is so swollen that I can barely move. It took all of my energy just to roll onto my stomach so I could write. I don’t know if the balloons took away my blanket or if I kicked it off at some point. They are on top of me now. I can feel them covering my back and legs. They’re so warm.

I think I’ll die here. Maybe the balloons will float me away.

To the offices of Dr. Verland,

First, I’d like to thank you.

I was skeptical when you insisted that your serum would make me better. I realize now that it was working even when I thought it was making things worse. My mind and body had to break before they could become stronger. I know that now.

I thought the balloons were threatening. I thought they were terrifying. I know now that they were watching, waiting not for the time to strike, but the time to act.

While my body swelled, stretching further than I thought possible, I prayed for mercy. I prayed for the strength to get me through pain worse than I had ever felt. I didn’t realize until I began to deflate that I was granted both.

I barely recognize myself in the mirror. My malleable yellow skin and razor sharp teeth are rather unsettling to look at, but my transformation will prove quite useful.

You see, my floating friends didn’t just give me physical gifts.

I know who you really are. I know what you’re doing. Your whole foundation will fall faster than a popped balloon.

[evelyn-fenton-blog]

Family Fuck ups.

I sit at the desk. I had hoped the palace would make chairs more comfortable than the ones at my own home, but alas any chair sat in for more than four hours is a bad chair. I suppose I should be socializing.

Maya is now my friend, Eloise is my friend, I’m supposed to be seducing Prince Nathaniel. But I want to write. There’s just no inspiration. It’s not like the first time I wrote. Not like the first time I lost.

**************Flashback time***********

It’s almost time for finals, but I couldn’t care less. All I care about is him. My childhood friend, my only friend, my first love, and my boyfriend.

I wait after school for him hiding around a vending machine, using the angles to keep me out of sight. Once he is in my sight I leap hugging him, taking him by surprise.

“I got you!” I cheer. He laughs as we hug. Then he tries to kiss me, though I was still much too young for that. So I pulled away.

The next year we stayed the same.

He aged to 18, I aged to 16. We grew up together, holding hands together, laughing together. Being together.

Then it all stopped.

It started calm.

“This is a really good poem for just Ms. Wallis’ class. Why not enter it in a contest?”

“You know I don’t really want to be a writer.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m a six.”

“It’s not that.”

“If it isn’t how come that is the only time you truly seem yourself? Why do you put in words the things you’d never say? Why do you put writing above even eating at times?”

“I don’t know. Well.. I may love writing but I love you more I just want to be with you!”

“You don’t know what you want Evey! You’re a child!”

“Yes I do I want you! If I’m such a child why are you even with me then?”

***************************************************

I lean back in the seat and look at the time.

One in the morning. It’s time to wake him.

I walk up to the royals hall. I know I shouldn’t be here but I couldn’t send a maid. Then I knock on the door and wait.

“Brooks!” I yell in a hushed voice not wanting to wake anyone.

He groggily opens the door. “What? Evelyn?”

I giggled at his appearance. He was not a very dainty sleeper. “You have bedhead. Anyways, it's time for you to help me with my next book. Get dressed.”

He looked back into his room, presumingly at a clock. “It’s 1am.”

“Yup. This way we won't get in trouble, brains work better at night, and the cold can wake you up.”

He yawns “Fine.” then grabs a sweater and closes the door.

“Where're we going?”

“We're going to escape the palace. I read on a map there's a beach by here. In short we're going exploring.”

“We should tell a guard.”

“That would take the fun out of it. If by some magic they notice we're gone we'll just say you were kind enough to take me on a walk because I couldn't sleep. Just to the gardens.”

“I'm hardly allowed to go anywhere without supervision.”

“Well, you have my supervision. Come on.” I then took his sleeve to slowly drag him along which he doesn't resist.

“Good boy. Nooowwww how do you think we should escape. The beach looks closer to the garden and there's that big woods right by it so I'm guessing there's a weak point there.”

“We are so not going in the woods.”

“And why not?”

“I could be murdered.”

“By a bunny rabbit?”

“By Hooks Heave.”

I laughed, “You'll be fine. If Hooks Heave makes an appearance I'll write in a wolf to maul him.”

“Oh, thank God. I'm so glad I have your writing to rely on regarding my life.”

“You’re very welcome.”

“Are you planning on murdering me?”

“Nope this is not inspiration for Hooks Heave.”

“Damn.”

“Damn? Did you want to die?”

He grinned, “Oh no, I would never be so self deprecating.”

“Somehow I feel like that's sarcasm. Now i'm for sure going to push you into the ocean.”

“Excuse you, I am royalty and I do not take threats like that lightly. Watch yourself, peasant.” He then poked my forehead.

“Right. Dear me, now I may lose my head. All because of some cold salt water.”

“The real world is a cruel, cruel place.”

“Thats an idea for a book. Writing about the crudeness of the world. A woman falls in love with a man only to learn he's a dick then they fight and she finally storms out to leave with their 5 year old daughter. She packs a small suitcase and boards a bus out of town. As the bus leaves a giant octopus comes and crushes the town. Everyone dies but the daughter. The lesson is the world is cruel.”

“Yikes... I see why you need my help. Tsk tsk.” I thought that one was pretty good. Even when you want to escape to a nicer world, the world is not nice and will kill you if you try.

“Well I lost my past inspirations so now I'm just stuck with bad ideas but a good brain. It's a very complicated situation.” I lost him, and I lost her.

“What a tragic time. I don't know about you, but I'm partial to accuracy.”

“Yeah but I don't know what to be accurate about. Even if i took out the octopus the root of that idea sucks. My first book was a love story, the second was a murder mystery, now I need something new but all I have are octopi and hooks heave.”

“Okay, what about a coming of age story?”

“People like those, but that focuses just on one person. I'm not good at that.”

His face brightens, “A challenge!”

I sighed, why’d something I hate so much have to inspire him? “I don't even know where to start with a book like that.”

“Think of a main character.”

“Well I normally base my characters a bit on myself but I can't make it too similar ummm..okay so it's about a young girl, maybe 18. No idea what her name is.”

“Close your eyes.”

“Why?” I ask but close them.

“Just do it. Okay, what is this character like.”

“Ummm. She's a redhead, she's pretty introverted, she can be a bit aggressive and selfish too but that's because she  raised well. She likes sweets and cats.” Like you but meaner.

“What's her family like?”

“Her mother and father fight a lot. They stay together for financial reasons. For most of her youth she was neglected as they were trying to divorce but finally settled on living separately but staying married. She later had a half-sister who is much younger than her who's raised under the custody of her father who was a much nicer man than her mother as a female.”

“Does she have friends?”

“Not really. She doesn't go out much because she's scared people will hurt her like her parents did.”

“Is there a love interest in her world?”

“No men are horrible.....” A book with a female lead without a female love interest is risky. It might not sell well.

I sigh, “I guess she can have a male for awhile. But I write tragedies so it'll end with them breaking up somehow.”

“She finds herself, huh?”

“Always better to pick yourself over a man. That's the theme of my first book, not the one you were reading.” It’s what I should have done. Instead he forced me to have no choice but myself.

“Ah, but are you writing your first book?”

“Ah no. I wrote that book in 2 days, dont want a mistake like that again.” I wrote it sobbing, with a fever.

He left me. He made me pick writing over him. He broke me. I didn’t leave my home for a month afterwards. I failed all my classes, I was basically a high school dropout. All I had was a box of tissues, my laptop, my cat, and my feelings. I needed to vent it all out somehow. My first book was how.

“Think of what you want again.”

“Right. Book. New book. Book with brooks. Maybe I'll have it end with her picking her career over her boy.”

“Why can't she do both?” Right Brooks is a prince. He has time to do careers as hobbies along with his caste given duty.

“She's a three, her boyfriends a four and wanted to include her in the family. If she stayed with him she'd have to accept eventually becoming a four and no longer being able to be a writer as her career.” Make it a four. Make it seem better. Safer. Less of a risk. That way the idea of her dropping down a caste seems more possible. Instead of falling three.

“So she chooses work over love?”

“Yes. It's the wise choice. It's what will make her money and keep her afloat in a society which she is already disadvantaged in due to her gender. Because of her upbringing she is also taught to have the practical mindset that would lead her to that choice. Also she wants to make her mother happy so obviously there is no other choice for her.” It’s the choice I should have made. I should have left his ass. I should have won our relationship. Been the empowered woman. Not the deer in the headlights.

“What if she breaks past that?”

“She can't she shouldn't give up what she loves for a man. But I can't end it that way either. Even if he wasn't right for her, she's still a person. No one deserves to just live alone like that, without friends or anyone to love. Maybe she should have just settled so she wouldn't have to be alone with only a cat who would die three months later.”

“Stop writing what you're used to.”

“I don't know what else to write.”

“Do something you're not comfortable with.”

“What about a sci-fi book. I hate those so maybe I could make one I like.”

He laughs. What? I thought that was a legitimate idea. “Open your eyes.”

I open them, happy to see Brooks again. “Thank God I'm not blind. I was starting to get tired.”

“Do you have an idea of what you want to do?”

“I want to go swimming. If I go to bed I'll miss the window the brain is most creative in.”

“You should go to bed.”

“Fine. I'll walk back with you so you don't get murdered.”

“I'm so honored.”

“You should be.” I then held my arm out.

“Here you can even link arms with me that way if Hooks comes at you it'll be easier to hide behind me.”

“What if I'm Hooks?”

That stumped me for a moment. “Hmmm then I guess I deserve to be killed for being dumb enough to not notice, then lead you to a secluded area with me.”

“Let's just head back to the palace. And quickly too. I don't want the press getting the wrong idea.”

“What do you mean wrong idea? Plus I doubt there's any press out and about this late.”

“Well, it's a little weird a selected would be walking with me out here. And they're always around.”

“True but I could explain it. Writers always do crazy things. And thats creepy. Maybe I should write about journalists being aliens from hell.”

“Wouldn't be that far off. Luckily, I'm not in the papers very often.”

“Shocking, you don't want to be a drama llama and win all the attention?”

��'Drama llama'?”

“I like the rhyme, kill me. Your sister clearly shows off that even those who aren't the heir can get all the attention they need.”

He frowned and back away from me, unlinking our arms. “Are you talking about Mal?” Fuck.

“A bit? It's not a judgement just a fact that press likes the way she acts so she gets a lot of attention from them. Why does it matter?” shit.

“It sounds like you're speaking in the negative.” Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“You can't insult my sister to my face, Evelyn.” God I’m a moron.

“Right. Maybe I should not talk about your sisters at all, doesn't seem to go well.”

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn't.” We walked in silence. Great Evey, you are a master of conversation. Insult his sister to his face.

“I trust you can make it to your room from here.”

I apologize once more and leave. It seems everytime we talk I ruin it. 

[queerical]

maaaan i rlly thought we’d gotten past these weird lists. normally i’d scroll past this but what the heck

i don’t really.. see how this is a Tumblr Problem? i mean maybe i’m old but i’m p sure the whole “drugs are cool” issue predates tumblr but ok

being rude to your parents isn’t okay, but neither is it okay for your parents to be rude to you, and kids learning about abusive parenting tactics and knowing they don’t have to take shit just becuz their parents are the ones giving it isn’t a bad thing

also like.. tumblr isn’t teaching kids to be rude to their parents okay kids will /always/ be rude to their parents becuz they’re KIDS and they’re learning; i didnt join tumblr until i was a HS senior but i was still a rude little shit to my parents from time to time becuz that’s just.. part of being a kid idk man

lmao k while witchhunts are a problem on this hellsite, calling out straight ppl on their BS ain’t persecution. if “this site” ever makes you feel like less of a person, well welcome to the queer person’s entire existence

so “controversial” is a really vague term, like are you referring to people who want universal healthcare and the dismantling of capitalism? or people who nazis or MRAs? cuz there’s is a BIG difference

being rude without provocation isn’t okay, but calling out oppressive shit is tiring and sometimes ppl get snappish; sometimes ppl are meaner than they need to be but sometimes the “rudeness” is completely justified. context matters

lmao again. being white doesn’t make you evil but it does make you privleged /as hell/ and being encouraged to look critically at your privilege and seek education about racism ain’t persecution again

as p much every mentally ill person can attest, having mental illness isn’t cool, but acknowledging that we /have/ mental illness and validating the humanity of mentally ill ppl isn’t encouraging NTs to try out mental illness for funsies so jot that down

cutting yourself isn’t “okay” in the sense that everyone should do it, but people who cut themselves shouldn’t face public ridicule for it and deserve sympathy and understanding and proper care, and not condemnation or callous jokes

of course not all men are inherently rapists, but all men are socialized in a rape culture that teaches them to excuse rape and laugh at rape jokes and look the other way when their buddies are taking advantage of a drunk girl, so all men /do/ need to look at themselves critically for that

again all men are socialized to have privilege and being called out for sexist behavior ain’t persecution; you want men as a group to have a better reputation? take to task the men that are /giving/ you a bad reputation

misandry isn’t real lmao

the doxxing one is legit

again don’t know what you mean by “controversial” but yes tumblr should not be your only source of information but also don’t pretend like this is a tumblr exclusive problem

*deep breath* okay so the public school system in many countries is incredibly flawed and entrenched in prejudiced social customs and built on terrible or outdated ideals and actually really harmful to kid’s development and mental health, and people /acknowledging/ this and venting about their experiences isn’t encouraging kids to drop out and live in dumpsters, it’s /important/ for kids to be informed and not hinge their self-worth on their grades or SAT scores or parent-teacher approval

i’m not gonna bother with this one

this one’s legit too

the world isn’t a horrible place, but a lot of horrible things do occur and it is important to fight those things, but it’s also important not to give up hope or write off all of humanity as not worth saving; the world can be horrible but it also has a lot of beauty

anyway i am just rlly tired of seeing lists like this becuz so often they completely lack nuance and rlly only serve the purpose of coddling privileged people’s feelings and reinforcing harmful social norms without any context. is tumblr a hellsite with a fuckload of problems? abso-fucking-lutely. do these lists actually address any of them? like.. one or two maybe

Do not let Tumblr make you think:

That doing drugs makes you cool.

That being rude to your parents is okay

That being straight means you aren’t a person

That being controversial all the time is cool and will get you friends

That being blatantly rude to people to get your point across is okay

That being white makes you by default evil

That having a mental illness is cool

That cutting yourself is okay

That being a male means you are a rapist

That all men are evil, misogynistic monsters

That misandry is okay

That doxxing people’s personal information is okay if they said something you don’t like

That tumblr should be your vital source for controversial issues

That school doesn’t matter

That being narcissistic is cute

That making a minor mistake on a post will make the world hate you

That the world is a horrible place

[wishofgold-blog]

       [ ooc // headcanon ] On Yugi’s mental health issues. CW for mental health talk ( obv ) some mentions of suicidal ideation/self-harm ( vague, just one sentence ) and some mentions of ( past ) bullying.

       All of this is subject to change as I get further into the manga, because, obv, early manga Yugi is what’s freshest in my mind at the moment, and bc I don’t remember a whole lot from the manga, I can’t draw from it on more than what I’ve re-read thus far.

So first off, the way I write Yugi is that he has Depression and Autism-- I’m only ( read: mostly ) going to focus on the former in this post because I feel that... I’m.. more comfortable talking abt Yugi and his depression because I trust I can write abt in a more coherent manner.

Anyways. Yugi is recovering from clinical depression. Though there’s probably a biological/hereditary factor in there ( I don’t have many head canons in the way of either Yugi’s mother or father ) Yugi’s depression was, at the very least, kick started by the bullying he’s endured since he was a child. Yugi’s always been small, shy, and rather odd in the eyes of his peers, and he’s always been an easy target for older and meaner kids. He’s never really had much in the way of friends, and all of that has taken a toll on him from a very young age-- Though Yugi has always been on the optimistic side and tried to think positive and view the good side of things, a mental illness is a mental illness, and his situation was not kind-- He had a lot of very low moments and a lot of things that he kept hidden both for the sake that he was ashamed of it and because he’s not the type who wants to make his friends or family worry (( Which is a whole other ramble in and of itself in how Yugi views friendship and making/maintaining friendships )). Despite the lows he’s had though, Yugi has never made much in the way of attempts on his own life (( nor attempts at self harm-- He’s never been calmed by it, never seen the appeal. It does nothing for him. )), he’s very much someone who idealizes and comes up with plans but makes no action to go through with anything. This in and of itself leads to a lot of issues in perceiving his own disorder, thinking that he isn’t as mentally ill as he is, berating himself for what he perceives to be something that’s just for seeking attention-- It’s because of this that Yugi didn’t really begin to seek help for his issues until after the events of the manga ( just before DSOD ), not quite because he wasn't denying he had issues at all, but because he had convinced himself that most of it was born from wanting attention and wanting people to care about him. Obviously it wasn’t just that, because the issue persisted long after Yugi had made friends and no longer had a reason to be so distressed or just want attention/concern, and so he finally stopped kicking himself and sought out professional help. 

Not the most eloquent way to transition, but I want to talk a little more about the bullying Yugi’s gone through-- Both what we see in the manga and some of my HCS. First things first, it’s very clear that Yugi’s just sort of... used to being beat up upon. He always hops back up pretty quick for the beatings he’s taken, and he never really lets himself wallow over it for too long, it seems. I’d go through the manga and pick out examples but ngl I don’t... really want to. It also seems that Yugi just sort of accepts the things that are happening to him and his friends, and he never seems genuinely outraged with the way he’s treated, and though it could be read as Yugi just being passive ( which he is, but still ), but I think it could also be read as Yugi being used to being treated like that. He only seems to get upset when people treat his friends the way that they treat him. It could also be, or most likely a combination of all three, that Yugi just has a really low sense of self-worth (( also do note that pretty much all of this paragraph relates to early manga Yugi-- post-DSOD Yugi, the one that I write, knows his self worth and though he might not resort to kneecapping a bitch right away if you treat him like shit he will get tired of it and push back )). I think it could also be that Yugi recognizes that fighting back can, on occasion, makes the situation WORSE. He’d rather, in not fighting back, run the risk of being bruised rather than run the risk of giving his bully reason to hit harder. I don’t have much in the way of hcs about Yugi’s treatment prior to anything we see in the manga, just that it’s something that’s extended back into his childhood quite a bit and was the heaviest drive in his depression, self-esteem issues, and his issues in how he perceives friendship--

Which is what I wanna talk about right now. First things first: Early manga yugi’s perception of friendship is warped. Even now it somewhat is, but he knows well enough now that he isn’t right about everything. First off, the wish and the puzzle-- This is a headcanon and though I’m sure I could dig up manga caps to support my claim, I’m not going to, because I’m lazy.

I think Yugi, especially early manga yugi, has had a lot of issues concerning his wish, the puzzle, and his friendships. He made the wish to have friends, and now he has friends-- And he isn’t and hasn’t been sure if his friendships have remained strong because of his wish or because of who he is as a person. He isn’t sure if his friendships could’ve happened without the puzzle ( a scenario he doesn’t think of often-- He doesn’t like imagining what life would’ve been like if Atem  and the puzzle hadn’t become a part of it, bad situations and all ), and one of his fears is that the puzzle itself is what made Jounouchi and Honda (( shh )), and even Anzu (( and even Kaiba, because he does consider Kaiba to be his friend, and the worry doesn’t just apply to the friends he made right after making the wish )) like him at all and/or want to be his friends. He worries ( worried? ) that in making his wish he did something to change the people around him and that the friendship he has might be based off nothing but lies made by his wish (( and as a side note-- There might be ( read: I know there is, but i’ve chosen to ignore it ) canon evidence to dispute this but I, personally, don’t think the puzzle actually.. did anything. I don’t think Yugi’s wish worked-- at least, not in the way most people imagine wishes to work. I have.. more specific thoughts on this but this isn’t the post to do it in )). It should be noted however that with the Yugi I write, after everything that’s happened, this is only a worry that comes to him when he’s in distress or overthinking-- It’s not something that’s there throughout everything, it’s not a main focus of his, it’s just a thought that comes to haunt him on occasion. 

Now, on how Yugi perceives maintaining friendships, and this should be a much shorter ramble-- I think that Yugi is one of those people who ( and mostly when he’s already upset ) thinks that venting and expression his emotions if something that could chip at a friendship. He doesn’t want to overwhelm or overstep his boundaries, and it’s a nigh constant anxiety that he’s going to do something to ruin what he has-- This also manifests as a fear of abandonment. Yugi becomes anxious when his friends don’t reply to him, when they just drop off the face of the earth (( You know who you are )), and less frequently, a fear of being replaced. 

Now.. Another shorter ramble, but how becoming someone whose a p famous duelist changed how Yugi... perceives his own issues and his life in general. Being someone who is now loved and has a good support system has done something for the better, obviously, but it’s also done something that isn’t.. quite as good. As mentioned above, Yugi finds there’s no reason he should be upset with his life ( minus the fact Atem is no longer with him, but that’s a whole other can of worms ), which recycles the old fear that his depression is just him “Acting out” for attention or something of that ilk. 

I wanted to go on but my headache got worse and I’ve kinda exhausted myself on what I wrote already lmao--