#I’m sorry some of you left because toxic people ruined your experience | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

winter-soldier-vibes · 3 years ago

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just a wittle request, could you do something where bucky comforts the reader who has mommy issues after she has a panic attack over the thought of turning out like her mother?

Hi there, sorry this took so long! I still haven’t processed my own so I had to take a few breaks. I apologize if this is off the path of what you meant, I’m going off of my own experience but I know it’s different for everyone.

You're nothing like her.

Bucky x reader

Word count: 3219

Warnings: mommy issues, toxic childhood, talk of divorce, panic attack/anxiety, negative self-talk

A/N: This takes place in a timeline where Bucky is retired

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You did everything you could to avoid it. To avoid her

You left home as soon as you could. When you were in college you were surrounded by people who were homesick, people who wanted to go home, people who finally had to take care of themselves. Things you couldn’t relate to.

You had been supporting yourself most of your life. Not that you had much of a choice. Your dad left when you were younger, your mother blaming it on you. If you had been better, maybe he wouldn’t have left. You, being young, believed her. What else were you supposed to do, growing up in a world that preaches ‘mother knows best’?

Load of bullshit to you.

You knew better now, being an adult, that she didn’t know best. She worked or went out with friends and left you to raise yourself, telling you it was your fault when she neglected her responsibilities. And when you would get upset she would play the victim, crying ‘woe is me’ because you were so ungrateful to the person who raised you after you drove her husband out.

“You know it’s your fault right?” she had snapped at you one night at dinner. There was a graded paper, a B written on the top of it.

“What?”

“You’re the reason he left me. He just couldn’t stand you. You’re the reason why he left and why I’m so miserable now.”

You had felt tears in your eyes.

“Tears, really? Tears aren't going to change the fact that MY husband LEFT.”

Her husband, not your father.

No, you knew better now to know that what she had done and said was wrong. But that didn’t make you forget. It didn’t make it any easier for you.

You went to college, saved up as much as you could, and gave tight-lipped smiles when people asked why you didn’t go home on weekends or vacations. You tried not to talk about her much, but that didn’t stop you from thinking about her.

You had stood at your college graduation, caps thrown and loud laughs and cheers echoing around. There were a bunch of people celebrating around you, taking photos, but you had stood on the outskirts. You had a small smile on your face for everyone else, but you couldn’t help but feel empty inside. You hadn’t made many friends, not close friends, but that was a good thing. You could take the photo so no one was left out.

Not so much of a text from her. She hadn’t come, she hadn’t called or anything.

In a twisted way, you were glad that she hadn’t. She couldn’t make a big deal about how you weren’t the top of your class or how you didn’t deserve to be. How you didn’t have a job set up to start the next week even though you already were planning on submitting your resumes. There wasn’t a way to please her, so it was almost better that she wasn’t there.

You had texted her after a few days and she made up some bullshit excuse that she had forgotten to put it on the calendar.

She liked your Instagram photo though. So thoughtful

You worried you would turn out the same way. Or that she had rubbed off on you in some way. You kept to yourself as much as you could, staying in, keeping your emotions to yourself. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust people, maybe it was, but more so you were worried that you would seem like you were playing the victim.

You didn’t want to bother anyone or make anyone feel obligated to listen to you. You worried that behind your back they would complain about you being emotional or making everything about you.

You worried they would talk about you the same way you thought about your mother.

People are supposed to look to their parents to teach them what to be, yet you found yourself wanting to avoid everything your parents did to you. They taught you exactly who you didn’t want to be.

Your father left. Your mother hated you.

You didn’t share your opinions because you didn’t want to be told you were wrong. You didn’t want to force your ideas onto anyone. Not like what you said would make a difference anyway, not that it mattered in the first place.

You remembered all of the sentences you would start but not finish because no one had heard you. Trying to jump in a few times and eventually giving up when the conversation had moved onto a new subject. All the times people would interrupt or interject, making you feel like you didn’t have something to say that was worth hearing.

You thought it would get better when you got a job. But the pressure you put on yourself to do well in school was transferred to the job you had gotten. You still were afraid that people saw yourself as your mom used to and that you would never be good enough for anyone. You thought that achievements would make you feel fulfilled.

But if you didn’t believe in yourself, what were a few “job well done's” supposed to do?

It made it hard to get into a relationship. People say that “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else,” but that didn’t feel so true to you. It was more that you didn’t trust yourself to love someone else. You worried about hurting whoever you were with, and you told yourself that if you didn’t get close to anyone, you couldn’t hurt them.

But then you ran into him.

He was on a morning run and you were walking home from a night shift, both too tired to see each other coming. You because you had just finished a shift, him because he was running off the nightmare he had had the night previous. Both of you craving a sleep that seemed just out of reach.

You were very apologetic, as was he, both afraid that you had hurt the other. You avoided his eyes even though they were trained anywhere but your own, as he fiddled with his gloved hands and you scratched the back of your neck.

It was the first time either of you had seen someone as unsure as yourselves

You had parted ways with only each other's names. Bucky and y/n.

The two of you crossed paths a few times in the following weeks, eventually getting each other’s phone numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee rather than hoping the other left at the right time. Eventually, the subtle nervous tics each of you had died down as you got to know each other.

For the most part.

You still overly apologized for everything. If you were a few minutes late, if you spaced out...you took the blame for everything.

Traffic had been bad, a storm and an accident causing you to be 5 minutes late rather than 15 minutes early. You had run into the coffee shop, scanning the restaurant with wide eyes when you saw Bucky sitting there casually.

“I am so so so sorry, I should’ve left earlier, there was an accident, I’m so sorry I’m late -”

“Y/n, don’t worry about it,” he had said, a smile on his face and a slight flash of concern on his face. “Seriously, it’s a couple of minutes. It’s literally fine.”

“No, I’m really sorry, I should’ve known or called or something.”

“Relax. It’s totally fine, I promise,” he had said, concern a little more present on his face. “Are you okay though?”

“What? Yeah, I’m good. How have you been with everything?

You wouldn’t let him talk about you. The same way your mother never let you talk about yourself.

Don’t think about her.

He had started opening up to you but you still kept your personal life under lock and key. Your name, how work was, and your physical well-being was about as personal as you got. Even so, if work had been a shit show or you had to pull an all-nighter would go unspoken. He didn’t need the burden of your personal issues. Not when there was nothing he could do about it.

The past was the past, you just had to learn how to get over yourself.

You couldn’t change what your mother had said over a decade ago.

You worried if you talked about yourself at all then you would be making the situation about you. You worried you would project your anger or sadness onto him. He didn’t deserve that. Plus, it wasn’t like he would be able to do anything, right?

You promised yourself you wouldn’t let him get too close. That if he didn’t get close to you, you couldn’t hurt him.

But damn, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t start developing feelings for him. And from the way he had started acting, you thought maybe he was too.

The hugs that were ever so slightly too tight or when he smiled at you a little longer than normal. He had opened up to you about many things in his past, and from the way he talked about it, you could tell he hadn’t talked about it much with anyone else.

You found comfort in your friendship, the way he trusted you. You liked being there for him, and you were honored that he trusted you enough to open up to you. Yet it also made you uneasy that you would ruin it in some way or drive him out.

The same way your mom drove out your father.

Goddamn it don’t think about her.

The closer you got and the closer you and Bucky had gotten, the more nervous you were. That you would turn out like your mother. You were having a harder time keeping to yourself, keeping up the façade that everything was all bright in your world. You wanted to be a light for everyone.

But at some point, days turn to nights and the light gives way to the darkness.

And you weren’t sure how much time you had left before you cracked.

Bucky had started making small moves towards you, and you were trying your best to deflect them in efforts to not fall flat on your face for him. He came over Wednesday nights for a movie and take out with you, and what started as being on two opposite ends of the couch had moved to being next to each other to him having his arm wrapped around you. Sometimes you felt he was a little too close and you would either shift away or get up to grab another drink or ‘use the bathroom’.

When you came back you would make an attempt to sit a bit further away.

Sometimes when Bucky would say goodbye at the end of the night he would hug you. That was nothing new, you were both big on hugs, but lately, he had been hugging you longer or tighter, lingering a few moments longer than could be platonic. You had started ending the hugs earlier, giving him a small squeeze before pulling away.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be with Bucky. It was that you were so scared that you would drive him away, leaving you as soon as you had started calling yourself his.

Which is what brought you here. Bucky had come over for another one of your movie nights and had his arm behind the couch rather than around you. An invitation for you to curl into his side, but he wanted you to make that choice. Eventually, you had found yourself curled up with him, his arm wrapped around you, and you could feel the tension.

You wanted to move away before you found yourself in too deep, but you couldn’t resist. It had been a long day and you found comfort with Bucky. Bucky turned his face slightly towards yours, kissing the side of your temple and you felt butterflies in your stomach. Your mind told you to shift away, to not let him get too close, but you found yourself turning your head towards Bucky and he leaned forward to kiss you gently.

After a moment you broke away, emotion taking over you. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I - I can’t do this,” you said, resting your forehead against his.

“Why not?” Bucky whispered, looking into your eyes.

Because I’ll hurt you.

I’ll disappoint you.

I’ll drive you away and I can’t lose the best thing that’s happened to me.

You sighed, standing up and moving away from Bucky. You couldn’t say those things to him out loud. Not without the entire story. And you weren’t ready to share all of that with him.

Bucky stood up with you, afraid he had just ruined the friendship or whatever relationship he had with you. “Y/n, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

You had already left the room and couldn’t really hear him over the sound of your thoughts.

This wasn’t supposed to happen

I wasn’t supposed to let this happen

How could I be so stupid?

You were feeling tears in your eyes and Bucky followed you, afraid of what he did. Your breathing was picking up and you had started mumbling some of these things to yourself.

“Y/n, what’s happening, what did I do?”

You shook your head “You didn’t do anything, but I need you to leave, please,” you said, trying to hide your emotions. You hated being like this.

“I’m not going anywhere y/n, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of here Bucky! I don’t want your help!” you snapped suddenly, Bucky looking taken aback before your eyes widened.

“Oh god…”

You shook your head and started crying harder, stumbling over your words. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t mean to yell, I’m so sorry Bucky please don’t leave I'm so sorry.”

Bucky came forward and hugged you gently and you cried into his shirt. He whispered comforting words into your ear as you tried to breathe, embarrassed at how vulnerable you were being.

Bucky kept his breathing slow and even, trying to get you to match him. He had no idea what was happening but he knew he needed you to calm down before he asked. Whatever it was had to be something deep, and you weren’t in the space to talk about it right now.

He brought you over to sit on the corner of your bed, still hugging you as you cried. You were mumbling out apology after apology but Bucky wasn’t having any of it. He kept hugging you, telling you that he wasn’t going anywhere and that you were safe. He had never seen you so upset, or upset at all to begin with.

After you had calmed down a bit, Bucky asked you again what had happened. You shook your head, not knowing what to say.

“I’ve opened up about so many things to you, right?” he pulled back to look at you.

You nodded slightly.

“And you’ve never judged me for any of it.”

You shook your head this time.

“Then why can’t you let me do the same for you?”

You took a deep breath, fiddling with your hands. “I don’t wanna hurt you,” you said, not meeting his eyes.

Bucky drew his eyebrows together, still confused. “Y/n, you’ve been the nicest person I’ve ever met. How would you hurt me?”

You were already shaking your head. “No, see, that’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna be nice and sweet and...and I’m gonna fall in love with you, and you’re gonna fall in love with me. A-and then I’m gonna let you down over and over again and snap at you for things that aren’t your fault and...and you’ll get sick of it and leave and I’m going to hate myself for it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, slow down,” Bucky held your shoulders as they started shaking. You brought a hand to cover your mouth, Bucky hushing you again. “What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

You took a shaky breath as you ran a hand over your face. “I’m just like her, Bucky. I told myself I would never let myself be like her…”

“Like who?” Bucky asked, blood already boiling at who made you feel like this.

Her.

You weren’t supposed to think about her.

You promised yourself.

“Y/n, stay with me here,” he said, guiding your face back to look at him. “Who?”

“My mother.”

Bucky looked at you for a moment. “What?”

“You know, mothers bring you into the world. They say a mother knows when something is wrong with their kid, that babies are put on their mother’s chest because the skin-to-skin contact starts the bonding process. They’re supposed to protect you, and love you, and take care of you. But then you start to get older and it’s your fault that you were born when you didn’t ask, or your dad left and it’s your fault before you even knew he was gone. All I wanted was to be told what to do and all she would do is tell me what I did wrong. I can’t be like her and the older I get the more scared I am that I’m going to hurt everyone the way that she hurt my father and me.”

You had started crying again as Bucky looked at you, both broken-hearted and furious that someone would make you feel this way. Not to mention it was your own mother.

You took another shaky breath. “I thought the world of her when I was younger. And she barely even gave me the time of day. I keep telling myself that I’m not what she thought of me, but what if I am?” you shook your head again. “And I am so scared that I’m just like her.”

“Y/n, look at me, I need you to look at me when I say this, okay?” he cupped your face with both hands, wiping away your tears with the pads of his thumbs as he looked into your eyes. “You are nothing like your mother.”

You let out a small sob. “You don’t know her.”

“I don’t need to,” he said firmly. “You are kind and gentle. You work hard and you make sure that everyone is taken care of before you even consider yourself. You aren’t going to scare me away or hurt me.” He wiped fresh tears from your eyes. “You are your own person, your mother has no say in who you get to be. Who you are. You are not your mother, and you never will be.” he said, still holding your gaze.

You held his gaze a little longer, knowing he believed what he was saying. You didn’t, not quite yet, but maybe if he believed in you, you could too. You nodded slightly, giving him the smallest of smiles. “Thank you.”

Bucky returned the small smile. “You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too,” you said, smiling.

You meant it, and you knew he did too. And maybe one day, you would love who you’d become too.

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tags: @babydaddy-buckybarnes @buckys-blue-eyes @buckys2thicc @broadwaybabe18 @peggycarter-steverogers @im-sick-of-failing @barnesplums @bucks-bunny @mardema @abitgryffindorky @freigeistundanderes @thatfangirl42 @strawberrimae @sup--ernova

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tcookies777 · 2 years ago

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I’m sorry to see those entitled readers that are b!tching about the ending of act 1 and the lack of smut. I hope you can take a good rest and ignore them. At first I was sad that it’s gonna be a really long time before the 2nd act start but now seeing these people constant b!tching about the pacing, I hope you take a break as long as you want and hopefully those readers turn to dust by then. I know you said you will finish this fic but If I were you, I would have stopped writing (Please don’t abandon this fic though🥺) so these little sh!ts get nothing. I’m sorry you have to constantly deal with these people for such a long time now but thank you for not giving up on TAOL.

On a side note, the animation quality for Sasuke retsuden……it’s over for us💀 . We can only rely on the manga now.

There are many times when I just want to abandon TAOL. I have all the outlines for the chapters done like a movie script, so technically I can read the story just fine for myself. There are also plenty of other fanfic projects I've been eager to work on.

But then I am reminded of a story that I was telling another reader in a chat just earlier:

The whole time the writer had been updating the fic, she had been secretly battling cancer too. Of course, that's not something you'd want to tell your readers and neither is it their business to know. And sadly she received very few comments when updating. Most of the readers wanted to wait until later in the story or at its end to comment at all.

But the moment she stopped updating, everyone came out of the woodwork to flood her comment section demanding when the next update is. They were getting sick and tired of waiting. It was a mystery fic so many questions they had about the story were left unanswered. So the more they got impatient. When the author didn't respond (because she had died of course), they started flooding her comments with hate, harassment, and insults, and such entitlement to make your lip curl in disgust. Out of the whole sea of vile comments, only 1 reader had bothered to stand up for her. To this day, it's still the most toxic comment section I'd ever laid eyes on.

Every time I think of that writer, I think of all the other writers who had abandoned their fics. They already have so much to deal with in real life, and constant harassment or entitlement from even 1 reader is more than enough to wear them out. So they quit the fic. I've heard some writers even fake their own deaths just so that they can abandon their fic and avoid harassment from enraged readers. Some writers, unfortunately, even commit suicide because of all the online abuse.

So while I do take breaks from the fic for my own sanity and health, I don't want to abandon the fic because it feels like I'm letting the haters win. And also I've been receiving so much support and kindness from so many readers like you. I know very well that only like 5% of my audience are trolls and haters - everyone else has just been wonderful. Like I said in that Love Note, it's not fair to punish all of you guys just because of the crimes of the few.

As an aside, I want to apologize that you guys even had to see this whole mess in the first place. I hate that it's ruined the fanfiction experience of so many readers.

Also, I haven't seen the animation for Sasuke Retsuden yet, but now I am terrified after seeing your Ask 😰 I already had low expectations to begin with because I actually don't like the current animation style for Boruto. Especially the faces... they look so weirdly chibi because the jawlines are rounded too much for my taste.

Idk maybe it's Dad weight 😂

But also, I was still hoping that the animation team behind the Shinden season would animate Sasuke Retsuden. I mean Shinden season animated many of the other Retsuden novels anyway. The Shinden arc was like the peak animation.

But you're right, at least we still have the manga :')

#cookie answers #taol #the anatomy of love

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the-witty-pen-name · 4 years ago

Text

Deadbeat Pt. 7

Lee Bodecker x F!Reader

18+ ONLY

Warnings: age gap (reader is 21), fluff, angst, cursing, abandonment, toxic parent, violence, toxic siblings, infatuation, cheating/divorce, insecurity, mild housewife kink, mentions of prostitution, mentions of alcohol, corrupt official, fake relationship, jealousy

Word Count: 2.5k

Summary: You work at the bar at the edge of town, the Sheriff is going through a divorce and needs to rent a room.

A/N:

IMPORTANT UPDATE

I made a Google form to be added to my taglists, so if you want to be added, the link is in my bio. I’ll only be adding people to the list if they requested to be added by filling out the form! This way all of the requests are just in one place so I don’t miss requests! Thank you!!!

I’m sorry for this chapter being shorter than normal, but it is more of a transitional chapter to set up some new stuff! I’m trying a new writing style in this chapter and this is why the word count is shorter. I’m nervous about posting this chapter honestly, since I tried something different. The following chapters will be back up to 3.5-4k as usual! This story is not over!

Thank you all so much for reading and sharing my work. Everyone whose reached out and told me how much they love the story really makes my day, oh my gosh!! I love you all so much, I’m so thankful.

Address mentioned is completely made up.

This is unedited, and I missed anything I should include as a warning let me know! I hope you all enjoy!

Tags and Requests are OPEN

Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five // Part Six

Lee never stopped telling you how much he loved you. At first, you had thought it was a spur of the moment exclamation but you were mistaken. When you realized he meant it, you reciprocated telling him you loved him too, making him the happiest man in the world. It all happened so fast, and your relationship was evolving quickly.

Maybe living together played a factor in how quickly the relationship progressed. It’s hard to just be dating someone you already live with and can’t take out on proper dates. It made everything else happen faster. He wished he could spoil you and take you to restaurants and walk into a room with you on his arm, but he couldn’t yet.

But from that moment on, he never stopped telling you. He said the phrase probably every moment he could manage. Every time he called from his office; he wouldn’t hang up without muttering the phrase. He’d tell you that he loved you before he left the house, or he’d just announce it unprompted when you both were home together, like it was some epiphany or declaration. He’d love to whisper it to you, especially at night with you pulled tightly to his chest.

He made sure he’d tell you in nonverbal ways as well, always letting you know he was thinking about you. Somehow, you’d end up with flowers on your desk at work at least once a week as well, never with a card. He’d cook, and on his days off, he’d spend them with you or he would surprise you by fixing things on the house. Never in a million years had you ever expected Lee Bodecker to be such a romantic, and when you’d joke about it, he’d say,

“You give me a reason to be, doll.”

It was thrilling, having someone to love and to have those feelings reciprocated. The ability to just be able to give and receive love was something he was never able to manage, perhaps it was just never the right person, or perhaps he had always been too selfish.

Now for the first time in a very long time, he wasn’t thinking about himself.

You gave him purpose and something worth fighting for.

“When this whole thing is over and we’re out of this town, I’m gonna marry you,” he said rubbing your arm as you lay in bed cuddled up to his side. You lay your arm across his tummy and rest your head on his chest. You hum in agreement, resting your eyes, both of you waking up earlier than you needed and you were enjoying the peaceful moment of the morning together.

“I hate seeing you with that Russel kid,” he’ll mutter, possessively pulling you closer, you could feel the vulnerability in his voice.

The past weeks have been really hard on Lee. It bothered him more and more each day, knowing Arvin was the one who got to drive you home from work and just being out and about with you. He knew you were his, and he never didn’t trust you. But you were so blind to the boy’s obvious feelings for you. It was something that would eat at him at night.

He couldn’t even blame you, if Arvin was able to sweep you away from him. Arvin was a good kid- took care of his family, worked a decent job, went to Church, and he was your age. He was much better looking in the traditional sense than Lee as well. Plus, you had a history. The boy was your first love and no one forgets their first love.

He knew you didn’t look at Arvin the same way Arvin looked at you, but he was always worried that a shift could come. If that damned reporter wouldn’t leave town and the more time you spent with Arvin, the more you’d see how much you’d actually want to be with him instead. You always told Lee he was the one you wanted and he believed you, but he worried that you would change your mind. He was so insecure, and he felt guilt, and he knew that he didn’t deserve to be happy, that he didn’t deserve your affection.

Sometimes he couldn’t let himself relax. Scenarios of all the different reasons you could leave him for polluted his mind and he hated how it took him out of being in the moments he just wanted to enjoy. He’d see you in his mind, happy with Arvin, marrying him instead and creating all those experiences with Arvin instead of him.

“He’s just my friend,” you reiterate, probably now for the millionth time. You were patient, and it never seemed to bother you, that the two of you ending up having this same conversation over and over. He needed the constant reassurance, and he hated the fact that he did.

“I want you, Lee,” you’ll mumble affectionately, trying to shower him with compliments and praise, to lift him up when he got down like this. “I don’t want any other man,” you’d affirm.

“This town is poison,” Lee mutters, looking out the window, the blinds pulled back as the sun is steadily rising. “Everything feels like it’s tainted,” he observes.

“Except us,” you correct him. He nods, but he knows his statement especially applies to him.

“Except you,” he sighs, his fingertips tracing circles on your bare shoulder.

“You don’t think you’ve ruined me, Sheriff?” you tease, making him smile, gradually pulling him out of his state. You’d lean up and kiss him, and the sensation would help his thoughts fade away for a few minutes. The feeling of your lips and soft skin against his own just putting his mind at ease, using his other senses to just keep his mind at bay.

He’s not sure if you realize how much he means it when he talks about escaping away from the town and marrying you. He thought about it all the time and it was what he was working toward. He knew even if he managed to go straight, if when Curtis left town, if the case around your mom was resolved, the town would still eat you up. The image of you both would be sullied. Reputation was crucial for survival in a town like this. You’d already been subjected to it before your relationship started.

He knew the solution was simple. He needed to take you away from Ross County, move to a new town where no one knew you both. It would just be a Sheriff and his new bride looking for a place to settle down. No rumors, or peeping eyes, or reporters, or exes, no corruption- just the two of you. Get a house, maybe start a family if you wanted that too.

He hoped you did. He’d be content either way, but he wanted a big family. His growing up was much less than ideal and it was just him and his sister. He loved the idea of a bigger family. He loved the image of having a house that was loud in a different way than what he grew up in. He often worried if he’d be a good father, but he never once doubted how excellent of a mother you would be if you wanted.

The only thing he wanted in his future was you, and everything else would be a blissful bonus of things he also doesn’t deserve. But to him you deserved the world and he simultaneously wanted to give you everything but then at the same time he felt like he would hold you back. You were young and had so many good years ahead of you. He couldn’t imagine you’d want to waste the rest of your life or even the rest of your twenties with him.

You could get a job doing anything you wanted and he could run for Sheriff in the new town maybe, or he could do something else. It didn’t matter to him anymore really. The time he’s been with you has really helped him see what is actually important. It was the only thing he wanted. He wanted to be able to give you that because he knew that you deserved it and more than he’d ever be able to give you.

Laying in bed with you on this lazy morning, reminded him of the last time he was there when you were still bartending. It was the first time that pesky day dream of his started. It was something a lot bigger now than it was then. He loved you, and he was relieved he could say it to you now, and he wanted to settle down. This backwards way the two of you got together was a mess but it was yours. He wouldn’t trade it for anything, but he knew he needed to make things right.

He had been so blind, for so long, and he finally started to feel like he could be someone he actually wanted to be.

All he needed was time and he could set it all straight.

***

Arrest of Pimp in Knockemstiff, Ohio Reveals Corruption of Town Sheriff

By: Henry Curtis

Sheriff of Ross County, Lee Bodecker, has been allegedly involved in the coverup of a local brothel, run by Leroy Brown. Brown and several of his associates were arrested on Wednesday night by local police for drug possession and possession of illegal firearms. As the group resisted arrest, there was a shoot out at a small bar in Meade, which was revealed to serve as a front for their operation. Seven men, including Brown, were arrested Wednesday night for questioning by the local police.

While giving his statement, Brown confessed to the charges and in hopes of a lesser sentence, cooperated with police and provided names of all involved in the underground prostitution ring. He provided the police with twelve names, including that of the local Sheriff Lee Bodecker and his sister Sandy Henderson, who has since also been apprehended by the local authorities.

Sandy Henderson was apprehended on Thursday morning, and made bail for $500 that Saturday. Henderson and her husband, both denied an opportunity to provide a statement. The pair only stated they will be promptly returning home and want to put this behind them.

Although there has been no release of his official statement as of yet regarding this alleged involvement, Bodecker was taken into custody the next morning, apprehended by his deputies from his home. Deputy Bill Thomas has since announced that the Sheriff will be subject to a trial in the near future, and for now faces an indefinite suspension from his post until his innocence has been proven. Deputy Thomas has also said that regardless of the outcome of the trial, Bodecker will be unable to run for reelection next term.

With this new development, it is also worth noting that the Sheriff is a tenant of (Y/N) (Y/L/N), the daughter of Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker who is currently wanted by law enforcement for embezzling thousands from her husband Harvey Tucker’s company, Tucker Brokerage, and then fleeing with her sixteen-year-old son. When police arrived at her home Thursday morning to apprehend the Sheriff, deputies on scene took an official statement from (Y/L/N), where she denied knowledge of the Sheriff’s involvement in any of the alleged criminal activities nor any knowledge regarding her mother or brother’s whereabouts.

Woman Wanted for Embezzling Funds from Tucker Brokerage Arrested in Indiana

By: Henry Curtis

Former resident of Knockemstiff, Ohio, Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker was arrested in South Bend, Indiana yesterday morning before dawn. Being able to identify her as a wanted person, Este and Harold Turner, owners of the Sunnyside Motel where (Y/L/N)-Tucker had been staying for about three days prior to the arrest, notified the local authorities she was staying in one of their rooms. She also was accompanied by her sixteen-year-old son.

The boy’s older sister has now become the boy’s sole guardian and he has since returned to his hometown. According to the police, the boy was completely cooperative and they believe he had no knowledge of his mother’s crimes. In a statement given the night of the arrest, the boy told police he believed they were running from his step-father, as his mother insinuated, she had been a victim of domestic abuse. There is no evidence yet as to whether her statement is true, but there will be an investigation of husband, Harvey Tucker, to discover if this claim is true.

Both children of Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker have not agreed to speak about their mother or the situation to anyone except police. Daughter, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), said when she arrived in Indiana to pick up her brother, seemed to only care about getting her brother home safely. Locals report she never asked to see her mother, and only focused on her brother.

As of now, (Y/L/N)-Tucker will remain in the custody of the South Bend Police until they are ready to transport her to Columbus, Ohio where she will face jail time and then eventually a trial.

Corruption in Knockemstiff High School Staff, Principal Arrested for Illegal Distilling- Sheriff Involved in Cover Up

By: Henry Curtis

Principal of local high school, Mark Cunningham, was arrested today after local police discover an illegal distillery on his residence. Police had retrieved a warrant to search Cunningham’s land after receiving an anonymous tip from a source close to the Principal.

Following his arrest, Cunningham admitted to the felony, but also claimed Ross County’s previous Sherriff, Lee Bodecker, had prior knowledge of the still, and in exchange for his silence, he demanded Cunningham offer a secretarial job at the high school to his landlord, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), who is the daughter of Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker, who recently was tried for embezzlement.

The vice-principal of the high school, Meredith Lively, has stepped forth as interim principal until the position can be filled, and ensured the press (Y/L/N) had been fired effective immediately, despite her claims of being unaware any such deal had conspired. Police have found no evidence to contradict (Y/L/N)’s statement, and in an official statement taken from Bodecker, he confirmed that it was part of the deal she not be made aware of the circumstances.

New Sheriff Elected to Ross County

By: Henry Curtis

Former Deputy Bill Thomas has been elected Sheriff of Ross County. Following the trial of former Sheriff Lee Bodecker, who had been found guilty of all charges, Bodecker was barred from office, and given a five-year sentence.

Deputy Thomas in an acceptance speech during a recent town hall meeting, ensured residents of Knockemstiff that “one bad apple doesn’t spoil the whole bunch” and the Sheriff’s department under new control will keep the town safe, and clean of crime and corruption. When asked by reporters how he felt about Bodecker, Thomas only described his situation as “unfortunate.”

There has been no other evidence of corruption within Ross County Sheriff’s Department although the investigation is still ongoing. When asked during his trial if he received any corroboration from any other law officials, Bodecker stated he never involved other members of the force with his wrongdoings.

REAL ESTATE

Room Available for Rent in Knockemstiff, Ohio

$50 monthly rent (utilities included)

1 Bedroom (250 sq. ft.), furnished

Private bathroom with shower

4 Birch Street

Knockemstiff, Ohio

Please call the following number with serious offers. Price negotiable.

PART EIGHT

Taglist

@scar-is-bi @jiminlife2k18 @asylummaniac01 @rosalynshields @charmed-asylum @jamesbuchananbuckybarnes1917 @alexandrathegreat3 @hersilencedscreams @malar-region @purplerain85 @vesper852 @smilewolfdolan @softshell-taco @champagnebucky @lilacmeadows @mollygetssherlockcoffee

385 notes · View notes

radiorenjun · 4 years ago

Text

I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Warnings: mental breakdowns, heartbreak, rejection, major angst, arguments, flashbacks, physical injuries, fighting, underaged drinking, panic attacks, mentions of death, slight mentions of druGS?, terribly written i dont rlly like this chapt.

• Wordcount : 6.1 k

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: XIII, XIV

Life had many pros and cons, but people always preferred to see the bright side of it. As they say one of the best feelings in the world was the feeling you get when you found your soulmate, your other half. You had heard a countless amount of stories about it in your youth. Mainly from your grandmother. But sadly, you were one of the unfortunate souls who couldn’t experience the feeling for too long.

Your sixteenth birthday was supposed to be filled with joy and excitement. But the moment you saw the ink starting to form on your wrist as soon as you blew your candles caused your heart to weigh down in your chest. At that moment, you remembered the feeling of shock and slight disappointment when you realised you had the same soulmate tattoo as Jaemin.

You remembered standing still in the middle of the room, surrounded by your friends and family who eagerly surrounded you to see your new soulmate tattoo as you entered a midlife crisis on the spot. How your mind turned messy with thoughts as your anxiety got the best of you.

‘My tattoo is the same as Jaemin’s. Jaemin is my soulmate?’

‘Oh god, but he doesn’t want to have a soulmate chosen for him. He wants to find his own love and experience the feeling of slowly falling for someone, I can’t possibly take that wish away from him, right?’

‘I’m his best friend, for pete’s sakes! He’s never going to treat me or look at me the same way again.’

‘This is really ironic. Grandma, you really got what you wanted, huh?’

The whole situation was almost laughable to you. Oh how your grandmother would probably be doing somersaults in her place if she was here to witness this miracle. But alas, that moment you just wanted to turn into stone on the spot. You wanted time to stop. You knew very well that there was a possibility that you won’t be experiencing that life changing feeling your grandmother always rambles about.

Though, you had some hope that maybe. Just maybe, Jaemin would be okay with having you as his soulmate. Maybe he would be happy to find out that his childhood best friend, the person who knows him better than his own family, was his soulmate. Maybe life would give you some mercy and decided that Jaemin would change his mind and you would end up living happily ever after.

‘Come on, he would definitely be glad to find out that someone close to him was his soulmate, right?’

‘I know him like the back of my hand, surely he would be ecstatic to see that we have the same soulmate tattoo!’

‘I’m sure of it!’

‘Grandma said that there’s nothing better than the feeling of finding your soulmate’

‘He’s your best friend, he wouldn’t be disappointed to see that you ended up as his soulmate, right?’

‘You’ll still get that feeling of happiness you’ve been longing to feel for so long, right y/n?’

Of course, you were only getting your hopes up.

When you turned to Jaemin, who was peeking over your shoulder at your wrist to see your tattoo, the look on his face was enough to push your hopes down to the floor. You honestly couldn’t decipher what he was feeling. But it definitely wasn’t anything along the lines of happiness.

‘What’s that look for, Jaem?’

‘Surprised? Definitely. Disappointment? Pretty clear. Sadness? Yep, it was there alright. Misery? Despair? Probably.’

You couldn’t show anyone your sadness though, you had to keep a bright smile until the day was over if you didn’t want to worry anyone. When Jaemin’s eyes met yours, he, too, was surprised to see your calm reaction. The sad smile you gave him was enough to silence him for the rest of the party.

It was quite painful when the rest of your friends and family decided to bombard you with questions of who you might think your soulmate could be. Not wanting to make things more awkward, you just tried your best to answer those questions without showing how upset you were with a simple shrug with Jaemin avoiding your eyes for the rest of the day.

At that moment you didn’t know how much pain you’d be in all because of your stupid soulmate mark.

One of the most hurtful things you’ve ever experienced was watching your friends and relatives find their own soulmates with the look of pure happiness stretched across their faces as you stand there with Jaemin by your side with a smile masking your faces and misery glossing over your eyes.

The one that always stuck to you was that time during Christmas.

It had been a few months since you found out you and Jaemin were soulmates and not much has changed other than your obnoxious flirting and affection towards him. Jaemin had grown less and less affectionate as time passed by. He was no longer attacking you with surprise hugs or giving you cuddles during your movie nights.

You could feel your friendship tearing apart with every step you take, it was hopeless, you didn’t know what to do. You wanted to stop before you ruin your relationship completely, you wanted to stop making things so awkward between you, you wanted everything to stop hurting. You wanted to stop feeling hurt all the time.

But at the same time, you couldn’t. You feared that once you stop, you’ll give up completely and you were scared that maybe if you stopped, you won’t have the courage to talk to Jaemin anymore. You were scared once you stopped you wouldn’t have the energy left to bare with the pain talking to him brought you. You were scared you’d give everything up.

And you were scared if it did happen, you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself anymore.

They say the moments you spend with your soulmate should be one of the best moments of your life. Was the pain you felt all this time really worth it? Isn’t this kind of toxic?

Your friend, Yiren, from another town had come to visit you over the holidays to spend some quality time with you. Your parents allowed her to spend the night at yours for Christmas while her parents finished their business in some other town. At that time, you and your other friends decided to hang out at the mall, asking her to tag along so they could meet her.

Yiren was an out-going person, just like you, therefore she got along very well with most of your friends. But when Chanhee finally arrived at the garden you were supposed to meet up at, you couldn’t help but feel your heart sink when you witnessed such an endearing moment between your two friends.

“Hey guys! I’m so sorry I’m late, my brother needed help closing up the shop!” Chanhee exclaimed, waving as he ran towards you. “You loser, just be grateful you have amazing friends who were willing to buy tickets 3 hours early,” Hyunjin clicked his tongue, slinging an arm around his friend’s shoulder who let out a loud laugh.

“Whatever you say, Hwang Hyunjin.” Chanhee stuck his tongue out teasingly at the boy. “Oh! Chanhee! I got my friend from Busan to tag along with us, I just want her to have more friends here, you don’t mind right?” you asked, slumping down on your seat. “That’s cool, where is she? Actually, where are the other girls?” Chanhee nodded, cocking his head to the side to find the other girls.

“The others went to buy some drinks for us. Don’t worry I made sure to make them order something for you,” Jaemin responded, scrolling through his phone casually. “Why didn’t you join them?” Chanhee asked, turning to you. You let out a wide, nervous smile, letting out small awkward laughs. “She wanted to stick beside me,” Jaemin huffed, trying his best not to roll his eyes out of annoyance.

“Whipped, I see,” he chuckled, watching you cross your arms against your chest before giving him a teasing glare. “You’ll understand once you actually find your soulmate, Chan. I can’t expect you to understand,” you joked in a rather arrogant tone, putting a hand under your chin as you grinned cheekily at your friend.

“It’s not that he doesn’t understands, Y/n. It’s just the fact that you’re really questionable,” Jaemin mumbled under his breath, earning a glare from you. “You two really are a questionable couple,” Hyunjin commented with a laugh. “I swear, my life wouldn’t be this entertaining if it weren’t for the two of you pushing and pulling each other like some kind of weird magnet,” he added with a loud snicker.

You winced internally at his words.

“We’re here!” Nayeon exclaimed in an excited tone, hopping up to you all with plastic bags filled with drinks. “Sorry, the line was so fucking long,” Yiren chuckled, pulling out the drinks from the bag to hand them out. “Nah, it’s fine. We’re not the ones paying after all,” you teased, waving it off.

“Bitch,” Yiren spat at you jokingly, earning a small laugh from your friends. You gingerly grabbed your drink and a straw, stabbing it into the drink before sipping. “Oh! Yiren! Meet Chanhee, he just got here because of business or something,” you squeaked, gesturing to the boy whose head shot up from his drink at the mention of his name.

“What? Me?” Chanhee rambled, stabbing his straw through the lid of his drink.

“Oh, nice to meet you! I’m Yiren, I’m Y/n’s friend from Busan,” she smiled, outstretching her hand to shake his. “Nice to meet you too, I’m Chanhee,” he nodded, shaking her hand before his eyes glanced down to her wrist. His eyes widened, letting out a loud gasp which alerted all of you.

“What? What happened?” Mina exclaimed, turning her head to the couple who were staring at each other with equally flabbergasted expressions. “It’s you! Holy crap, it’s actually you!” she exclaimed, using her free hand to cup her mouth. Chanhee slowly stood up, feeling tears gathering in his eyes.

Everyone was shocked. You let out dramatic gasps, recognizing the loving expressions the two of them had on their faces. No one dared to speak as they let the knowledge sink in, feeling the atmosphere tense up for a brief moment as you watched your two friends stare admiringly and longingly at each other.

“You’re real! What the fuck, you’re real and you’re here!” Chanhee managed to choke out, admiring the tattoo on Yiren’s left wrist that mirrored his own. “Hi soulmate,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around her soulmate who wrapped her in a tight embrace.

Your friends let out loud cheers and squeals at how dramatic their meet-up was, coming forward to congratulate them nonetheless. You couldn’t hold in your excitement for your friend but you couldn’t help but clench your fist tightly by your side, a heavy feeling in your chest piling up once again.

You couldn’t help but feel envious of how happy they looked. The tears in their eyes as they embraced each other so passionately, the bright aura surrounding them. You’ve seen your friends and families do PDA with their own partners but you had never witnessed what finding your soulmate truly looked like. That is, not until now.

Reading strangers’ experiences when meeting their soulmate online was one thing but seeing it first hand in person was a beautiful sight to see. You couldn’t help but turn to Jaemin in your seat, giving him a longing look as you ignored the loud exclaims and cheers of your friend group.

Jaemin’s expression was empty, void of emotion. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking or what he was feeling. Frankly, you didn’t want to know. They say you can see your future with your soulmate if your love was powerful enough. ‘Bull crap, all I see in his eyes is irritation towards me’ you thought with a roll of your eyes.

Jaemin’s eyes met yours, his brow raising at you as if to say ‘what?’

Your eyes widened slightly, taking aback by his sudden gaze, feeling hurt at the fact that he wasn’t fazed at all at the beautiful sight bestowed upon him. The reunion of two soulmates was always something special, it was a priceless moment that they can only share between them.

You felt your enthusiasm waver when you realised you were hoping something that wasn’t going to come. You were clinging on to Jaemin once again in hopes that he would give you the happiness you craved so much from hearing your grandmother’s stories.

When you finally focused back on Jaemin’s now concerned gaze since he noticed you had spaced out and had begun snapping his fingers in front of your face to snap you out of your deep thoughts.

You couldn’t help but smile brightly at him, ignoring the jolting pain blooming in your wrist and in your chest as you stood up from your seat to join in celebration with your friends. The thought of never experiencing the same happiness they’re going to have once they find their soulmates lingering in the back of your mind.

But fortunately for you, keeping a smile stretched across your lips is what you do best.

“Hey, I’m here,” Renjun called out, walking into your door without knocking. Your parents were away for the day and your sad hours were hitting you hard that you called Renjun to help comfort you and accompany you. Renjun knew the door was always unlocked for him to enter immediately without knocking whenever you were sad.

“Thanks for coming,” you smiled weakly, nuzzling closer to your bed sheets as Renjun sat on the bed next to you, dumping a plastic bag filled with snacks right in front of you. “You better pay me back sooner or later,” he joked, pulling out two cartons of milk and handing one to you. “When I don’t feel like shit that is,” you chuckled softly, sticking the straw in the carton as you tossed him the remote.

“What do you want to watch?” he asked, adjusting his position on your pillow as he pressed through the options on your TV screen. “The Office? That drama you’ve been wanting to watch? Or-”

“I’m good with anything, Jun. I just- I’m just glad I’m not alone, right now,” you inhaled deeply, sniffling back your tears as you shook your milk carton. Renjun paused, realising you were on the brink of crying again. He clicked his tongue, his eyes darting from the TV screen to your shaking form trying to maintain calm, debating whether to leave you be or make you talk your feelings out.

“You want to talk about it?”

Renjun obviously decided to choose the latter.

You shrugged, looking down at your milk carton so hopelessly, a hurt expression flossing over your features. “I was just having those dreams again,” you gazed up to keep your tears in. You’ve been having these dreams that you were in a completely alternate universe, that you were happy again, that you were in Jaemin’s arms.

That he was looking at you the way you’ve been looking at him for the past two years.

“Were you reading those soulmate moments again before you went to bed?” he asked with a soft chuckle. You huffed, crossing your arms before sitting up straight against the headboard. “Come on! Let me dream! I might not be able to experience the happiness soulmates share when they’re with each other because I decided to ghost mine completely, but at least I can imagine!” you whined.

“It’s the only thing I can do now that I don’t have any hopes of experiencing romance or love and what not,” you mumbled almost inaudibly, sipping on your milk once again. Renjun bit his lip, knowing full well where this was going if he said the wrong thing. “Well, I-”

“It’s not fair, Renjun.”

“Huh?”

He turned to you, watching you stare at the screen which was playing a trailer of The Umbrella Academy with an expression filled with despair. “I’m stupid for getting this worked up for a boy but he’s my soulmate, I have the right to be upset right? He’s my soulmate, I want to experience the same thing others are experiencing, too. It’s not fair,” you whimpered, crossing your arms tightly against your chest.

“Why does he get to be the selfish one? I’m here getting hurt all the time for his own happiness and he’s probably out there living his best life!” you exclaimed exasperatedly, sniffling back your tears. “It’s not fair, I want to be happy too.” You whimpered, furiously wiping away your tears,

“How did we come to this? I’m human too! I want to be selfish too for once. I want to be able to play with my soulmate’s hair, give them little smooches, have cuddles and movie sessions. I want to go on dates with my soulmate too! And take those aesthetic pictures you see on Pinterest too!”

“Y/n, I-”

“He wanted to find love and experience the feeling of falling in love with someone who wasn’t chosen for him, right? Does that mean I have to watch him fall in love with someone else in front of my own eyes? Oh God, I’m so fucking stupid!” you planted your elbows on your thighs, leaning forward to rub your eyes against your palms to avoid looking into Renjun’s sympathetic ones.

“Two years. Two damn years, that’s how long I spent parading myself around like an idiot hoping that he would like me back when all I did, really, was drive him further and further away! I just thought, maybe it wasn’t those immediate soulmate bonds, you know Jun? The ones that take time and effort. But it’s been two damn years. Once again, I’m just fooling myself with something that wasn’t there! I just want it to stop hurting!”

“Y/n stop, your wrist is glowing again-”

“I was so stupid, Renjun. So, so fucking stupid. All this time I knew that I was making the both of us uncomfortable, yet I still kept on going and I still kept on pestering him even if he told me to stop. Maybe I’m the selfish one?” you felt your bottom lip quiver as your scattered mind grew messier with every passing second.

“Why did I trick myself into thinking that maybe one day he would feel the same feelings I’m feeling? I’ve always known he won’t ever love me back. So why did I create false hope? Was that selfish of me to want someone to love and someone to love me back?”

“No, y/n, you’re not selfish.”

“Renjun. My own soulmate doesn’t love me. My own fucking soulmate doesn’t love me. I’m going to be alone forever. I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I hate this so damn much,” your whole body shook harshly with every sob you let out but Renjun couldn’t help but respond with a soft, “you won’t be alone, y/n.”

“The worst part is I told myself for so long that I’ll be okay if it happens. I’ll be fine with watching him happy without me. But the more I think about it, the more selfish I felt. I don’t want to see him fall in love with someone else and be happy with someone else, Jun. I’m so stupid, Why did I ever thought I’d be okay with it when I’m clearly not okay now!”

“Y/n, no, you’re not stupid. Don’t you dare say something like that about yourself.” Renjun pulled you away from the ball you were curling into, making you lean against his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around your back tightly, stroking your head and rubbing your back as he tried to calm down your soft cries.

“You’re not stupid, y/n. You’re really not,” he said in the softest tone he could muster.

“Renjun. I have a soulmate who doesn’t even fucking want me. If my own soulmate doesn’t want me then who else will? You all always see how he looks at me right? He hates me, he doesn’t even like me. Not one bit.” At this point, you were trying to focus on your breathing, wiping your nose and tears away with the fabric of your shirt.

Your grip on your bedsheets tightened when your heart ached even more. Your heart was screaming and pleading in your chest, crying out for something it can’t have. And all you can do to comfort it was to cry it all out.

Renjun sat there, rubbing your back and stroking your head as he whispered soft hushes, trying to reassure you your worth as you mumbled incoherent sobs, single syllables and broken words against his shoulder. You were hurting so much that you didn’t know if you should stop crying or let it all out to satisfy the pain in your chest.

But sure enough, Renjun held you there until you couldn’t cry anymore.

“Hey, I told you, you don’t have to give me chocolates anymore. My mom’s going to kill me if I have another sore throat,” you chuckled, pulling up the thin chocolate bar from your locker. Your friend, Nayeon, turned to you with furrowed brows, eyes filled with confusion. “Excuse you, I didn’t give you any chocolates this week,” she responded, pulling out her textbook.

You let out a small ‘huh?’ at her, trying to see if she was lying. Nayeon always gave you half of her lifetime supply of chocolates that she always receives from her soulmate because she wanted to go on a diet and she didn’t want to waste the delicious treats. “He found out I was on a diet and stopped giving me chocolates for the time being. Also, it’s my cheat day today!” she exclaimed, pulling out a chocolate bar similar to yours from her pocket.

“So no chocolates for you,” she waved the chocolate bar in your face jokingly, causing you to chuckle. “Well okay, Nayeon. But if you didn’t give me the chocolate, then who did?” you asked, furrowing your brows at the treat in your hand. “Dumbass, there’s a note behind it,” Nayeon reached over and flipped the candy over, revealing a small yellow sticky note attached to it.

‘I hope you have a great day!

- you know who’

The handwriting gave it away. It was way too obvious, you’ve seen that handwriting more than you could count. There was no doubt in your mind that this was indeed Jaemin’s handwriting. You chuckled when your mind recalled the time Jaemin kept giving you chocolate bars from his mother’s private stock whenever you were upset back when you were still kids. But how could he still remember your favorite chocolate brand? It was quite sweet but unexpected at the same time.

“’I hope you have a great day’, that’s so bland. Sounds like something moms would write on a piece of paper in their kid’s lunch boxes,” your friend commented with a small snicker, pointing at the note attached to the chocolate bar. “This sounds like some weird stalker-ish movie prompt,” she added with a teasing tone, nudging your shoulder. You forced out a small laugh to hide your discomfort.

“Do you really have to say it like that, though? I’d say this might just be someone’s weird prank?” you raised your brow, trying not to give away the fact that you know full well who this chocolate bar is from. “Come on, aren’t you suppose to be the prankster in this situation, y/n?” she giggled, waving her hand off to say she was joking.

“Nonetheless-Ooh! An admirer! Sadly, you’re too whipped for Jaemin to give this fellow a chance,” Nayeon gushed, snatching the chocolate bar out of your palms to inspect the note even further. “It even says ‘you know who’. I’m fully convinced that a Potterhead wrote this, I mean, it’s cute. But do they really have to include ‘you know who’? This isn’t Harry Potter, they ain’t Voldemort,” Nayeon rambled, causing you to giggle in response.

“Shut up,” you mumbled, suppressing the heavy feeling inside of your chest. Nayeon giggled, smacking your shoulder gently as she handed you the chocolate bar back. “I’m just kidding you! So, do you know this supposed admirer?” she asked with a small hum, oblivious to the sadness that had glossed over your pupils.

“Yeah, definitely.” You replied shortly, kissing your lips as you nodded. Her head shot up at you, eyes widening in surprise. “Oh! So are you going to do anything about it? I mean, you found your soulmate already as far as I know but are you going to do anything?” she asked, cocking her head to the side a bit in wonder. You sighed, putting the chocolate in the pocket of your backpack before shaking your head with a small smile.

“No, I’m not,” you replied, walking alongside her to your next class. “I don’t really want to think about it too much, I mean, it’s just a bar of chocolate, right?”

‘The ones I used to receive from him back when we were still in middle school that is,’ you thought with a heavy heart. You clenched your fists by your side, mustering up the energy you have in your system to put on your usual bright smile. “Anyways, what were you saying about Mr Seong earlier?”

When you said you didn’t want to think about it too much, obviously you were lying and you thought about it way too much all throughout math class till lunch. As you were doing the assignment your teacher gave you, you couldn’t help but remember the kiss you two shared at the party. Your chest fluttered at the seemingly distant memory

You paused, putting your pen down next to your notebook, propping your elbows on the table before rubbing your face in distress, the tips of your fingers coming up to rub your temples with a heavy sigh. ‘God, I need a damn vacation after all this,’ you thought, putting your arms down as you continued on with your work.

‘The tables really have turned, huh?’

You glanced at the small sticky note attached to the chocolate bar which was now hidden in your pencil case. You let out a silent chuckle, flipping your pen in between your fingers as you stare down at your paper. ‘It hurts,’ you thought, taking a small glimpse at your left wrist. The white bandage that wrapped around your wrist peeking out under the fabric of your sweater.

‘It hurt,’ you bit your lip, darting your eyes back at your paper filled with equations. As you started to continue with your work, your mind wandered to the weekend after the party.

You remembered waking up early in the comforts of your own bed sheets, still in the clothes you wore the night before. Your headache causes you to groan against your pillows when you felt like vomiting your stomach out. Apparently, Renjun had magically snuck you in your own home in the middle of the night by using the spare key you had in your pocket.

How he managed to sneak into your house and get into your room and out without waking your parents was a whole mystery to you. But you couldn’t care less when the events of the previous night overwhelmed your thoughts, resulting in you having a mini mental breakdown in your bathroom when you decided to take a shower.

You and Jaemin kissed! You and Jaemin fucking kissed!

What the actual fuck?!

At the time, you couldn’t help but touch your own lips with the tips of your fingers, giggling softly at the fond memory, feeling butterflies swarm your stomach. Collapsing on the mattress of your bed, snuggling against the pillows as you couldn’t hide the giddy feeling spilling from inside of you. But your little giggle session didn’t last long when your mind finally remembered the full events.

You had a mental breakdown- no, you had a whole panic attack in front of your own soulmate. Jaemin just did what any other male protagonist in a cliche romance movie would do, which was kiss their love interest. You are his soulmate after all. They say one of the most comforting things in the world will always be the first kiss you ever shared with your soulmate.

They say a lot of things, if you think about it.

What if Jaemin knew that and kissed you just to make you feel better? What if he did it out of pure sympathy? Jaemin was someone who would do anything to make someone’s pain go away, even if he had to share the pain to take it away. You sighed at the thought, remembering how he snapped at you at the dinner party. Or did he just kiss you because you appeared too pathetic in front of him?

‘I forgot, he’d gladly do anything for the people he loved. I’ll never be in that category. Not anymore,’ you thought to yourself bitterly as you hugged your pillow to your chest.

But then again, why did he kiss you? He was the one who initiated the kiss, right?

Right?

‘Stop trying to give yourself hope, unless you want to get hurt again you might as well go back to being a simp’

You snapped out of your thoughts with a click of your tongue, chuckling to yourself. ‘God dammit, y/n, you’re out of the soulmate game now. The universe really said ‘you’re never going to be happy with your soulmate, ever!’ in the most dramatical way possible. You have fallen out of God’s favor a long long time ago.’

You shook your head in disappointment before adverting your eyes back down to finish your paper.

‘You were dreaming too far.’

“Alright class. For those who haven’t finished their work, you can do them at home and give them to my next week,” your teacher announced as he puts his papers in between the pages of his book. The class groaned, the sounds of chairs grinding against the tile floor pierced your hearing as people started packing up their things.

You rubbed your eyes in distress, putting your paper in between the pages of your textbook, shoving it straight in your bag carelessly and walking out of the classroom with a heavy sigh. Gripping the saddle of your bag with one hand and the chocolate bar in your other as you make your way to the cafeteria.

As you entered the crowded place, you spotted a few of your friends sitting at a table nearby at the corner of your eye. Sending them a smile and a small wave you turned your head to scan the room in an attempt to find the table Jaemin was sitting at.

You quickly walked to his table, feeling your heartbeat quicken in your chest with every step you take. Jeno was the first one who caught you walking towards their table as Jaemin had his back turned to you. Raising his brow in confusion as you waved at him with a sheepish smile.

“Jaemin, is that-”

When Jaemin turned around, his eyes widened to see you standing right in front of him that he almost choked on his cookie. “Hey, uh-” you spoke, taking a breath to calm your nerves before placing the chocolate bar right beside him. “I don’t want to be rude or anything but I just want to return this,” you smiled, trying to ignore the eyes of his teammates boring holes into your figure.

“I’ll see you guys around, I guess,” you shrugged, turning around and whipping your phone out to advert your mind as you exited the cafeteria. You knew Jaemin was going to chase after you when you heard the sound of his friends calling his name which caused you to walk faster to the exit, jogging when you finally got out of the cafeteria.

“Y/n!” Jaemin called out, running after you.

You sighed, stopping in your step before turning to him with an exhausted expression. “What is it, Jaemin?” you asked, exhaustion lacing your tone. You haven’t spoken to him since that night at the party and you’ve been avoiding him like the plague since then. And frankly, you really don’t want to talk to him about it.

“This is yours,” Jaemin said, his breathing hitched as he outstretched his hand towards you to hand you back the chocolate. “No, Jaemin. I really don’t want to,” you shook your head, a frown stretched across your lips. “It’s a present, is it not? You have to accept it,” Jaemin raised his brow at you, attempting to take your hand but you quickly jerked it back to your side.

Jaemin couldn’t help but wince at the small action. “Y/n, you said it yourself once, right? ‘You can’t reject a gift from someone else, that’s rude and unappreciative’” He quoted, causing your eyes to widen slightly. “Jaemin, you know very well I only said that to make you accept my gifts,” you frowned, wincing at how hypocritical you sounded.

But still, he did not just use the same tactic you used back when you were still bugging him. Not when he whined and complained so much to his friends whenever you weren’t around afterwards.

“I still have the right to refuse your gift, Jaemin,” you frowned, slipping your hand in your pockets. He sighed exasperatedly, “fine, can we at least talk? About that night at the party? Please?” he pleaded, sending you his irresistible puppy eyes in an attempt to get you to say yes.

You bit your lip, feeling your heartbeat increase at the action, butterflies swarming your stomach as you feel yourself turn into mush under his eyes. But alas, your mind couldn’t help but have flashbacks to the party. The heavy feeling in your chest that made it hard to breathe. The burning in your wrist that made you want to chop your own arm off.

Everything that happened between you two was nothing but a mess.

In your eyes, there was nothing else to talk about. It is best if you two go your separate ways, right?

“There’s literally nothing to talk about, Jaemin,” you deadpanned, gripping the saddle of your bag tightly to keep your emotions intact when you feel a lump starting to build up in your throat. “I don’t understand why you want to talk about this so much,” you sighed, shaking your head as you ran a hand through your hair.

“If you have nothing to say, it’s fine. Then just let me talk,” Jaemin sighed, running a hand through his hair in distress. “Just hear me out, okay?” he said in an almost pleading tone, his lips forming a pout as his puppy eyes bore into yours. You took this chance to examine his features.

As creepy as it sounds, you missed seeing his face. He looks tired. So tired. Dark bags under his eyes, his pink lips forming a small pout as he waited for your response. You furrowed your brows, biting the inside of your cheek for letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding back.

“I really don’t have time for this. I just came to give you back your chocolate, “ you lied through your teeth. If you didn’t have time, then why did you decide to give him back the chocolate when you have been avoiding him? Maybe deep down, you just want to see him again? Maybe you just wanted an excuse to talk to him?

You didn’t know yourself. Why were you talking to him knowing full well it’s just going to bring you pain again?

You gave him a small, weak smile. “I need to go Jaemin. The bell’s about to ring soon and I need to get my notes from Renjun before Chemistry,” you sighed, biting your tongue to keep yourself from saying anything else that would make the atmosphere more tense than it already was.

“I’ll see you around.”

You missed him, but you also want it to stop hurting.

A/N: this was a really shitty chapter. But i felt guilty for not posting so here’s like a short ass chapter I wrote in like the four hours of free time I had in the past two days. So forgive me this is rlly bad lmfao. BUT HEY FINALLY A CHAPTER WITH Y/NS POV! yeah back to Jaemin’s pov when the next chapter comes out. My exams should be ending soon so I might or might not post somewhere next week idfk man

ANYWAYS

T A G L I S T : @candiednickles @itlittlefangirl @cherrym4rk @gotoartistprofile @d-nghyck @kingjvngins @aconeptun @chaeshii @lixseu @morks-watermelon @12am-musings @cherrystay @lowkeyviv @btm-taeyong @gothmingguk @luvlyjaemin @cowward @smileyyuta @cakelyn @uncovermenow666 @comically-sleep-deprived @wtfhaechan @xcherrybbyx @wishing–butterfly @wordsgodeep @seeing-dreams @sweetmoonlight9 @chwenchew @stuckwithhyuck @yunoelea @angelrenjunie @dae-chan @jenseoull @marklexleaf

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#NCT-WRITERS #neowritingsnet #neo-constellations #neoculturecafe #nct x reader #jaemin angst #jaemin x reader #nct dream jaemin x reader #na jaemin x reader #nct na jaemin x reader #nct dream na jaemin x reader #nct dream x reader #nct dream x you #nct angst #nct u x reader #nct 127 x reader

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svu-ncis-criminalminds · 4 years ago

Text

Almost Lost You

Request : Can you write something the the reader is young maybe early to mid 20s and she’s new to the BAU. Hotch is subtly protective over her but she gets shot and has like a near death experience but she ends up making it. In the end Hotch ends up telling her the feelings he has for her.

Your First Day

You sat in the chair across from your new boss, trying not to squirm under his intense gaze, you could tell everything about this man was intense, and while you weren’t a nervous person. He made you nervous.

“Degrees in psychology and criminal justice. Top marks in the behavioral analysis program. Says here you specialize in interrogation?” You felt like you were in one right now, but on the other side of the table.

“Yes sir.” You answered, hands twitching as they itched to play with the hem of your shirt. For the first time since you entered the building you saw his mouth twitch into almost a smile. Almost.

“You don’t need to call me sir, Hotch will do.” You nodded.

“Why interrogation?” He asked curiously. He was trying to picture the young girl in front of him sitting across from some of the most dangerous killers in the world. You didn’t exactly look intimidating. He watched the passion on your face, as the obvious nervousness passed.

“It’s the most interesting part, in my opinion. Getting people to confess. Some of them want to, some of them don’t. It’s like a puzzle. You need to know them, get into their head. Do you need to be their friend? Their enemy? Do they need to lead the conversation. I know I’m not always the one for the job, sometimes they don’t want to talk to a woman. But I know who they will talk to. Well, usually, obviously there are outliers. Sorry, I’m rambling.” You flushed.

“You aren’t. I asked a question, you gave me an answer.” You nodded. Hotch looked you over before nodding, mostly to himself. He took a file from his desk and handed it to you. “Here. We leave in 30. The rest of the team can catch you up to speed and we can talk more on the plane.” You took the folder and opened it, briefly reading it before nodding again.

“Yes sir.” Hotch almost smiled again at that but nodded in return, watching as you got up and left his office.

A Few Months Later

“Human decomposition begins a mere few minutes after death with a process called autolysis, or self digestion. Soon after the heart stops beating, cells in the body begin to accumulate toxic by-products as a result of oxygen deprivation. Enzymes start to digest cell membranes and then leak out as the cells break down. Then-”

“Reid, we’re eating.” Morgan complained.

“So? We see decomposition everyday all day, and yet you manage to always be eating.” Prentiss snorted into her sandwich and you put your own food down, pushing it away. Morgan pointed to your mostly eaten burger.

“Gonna finish?” He asked, proving Reid’s point. You rolled your eyes fondly.

“Nah, all yours.” Morgan grabbed the food from your plate and put it on his. Hotch came from where he had been talking to Rossi and sat across from the four of you on the jet. You smiled over at him and he returned it slightly. You were returning from a hard case, one that hit close to home for you on almost all levels. He was probably waiting for you to break down. He’d been hovering over you since the start. You’d never say it to his face but in your mind Hotch was the mother hen of your misfit team. Always worrying about someone. Little did you know, it was mostly you he worried about.

“Alright?” He asked, everyone around you averted their eyes. You blinked and smiled again, nodding.

“Peachy, Reid ruined lunch. Again.” You tried to tease, you wished everyone would just knock it off.

“Hey!” Reid looked over at you, “It wasn’t ruined!” You smiled and nodded before looking back over at your boss, eyes locking with his.

“I’m fine.” You promised, hoping he got the message.

Apparently he didn’t, because when you landed he offered to give you a ride home, and didn’t pull away from your curb until you sent a text that you were safely inside. It was sweet of him to care, you thought to yourself as you texted Hotch.

A Year Later

You held your hands up and tried to be as calm as you could, smiling at the young man who was currently waving a gun in your general direction. He was having a psychotic break, you were sure of it.

“It’s alright.” You promised him, “We aren’t here to hurt you.”

“They’re here they sent you they sent you to kill me, I’m going to kill you first!” You shook your head, Prentiss was beside you, gun still raised. You had yours down, as you stepped forward slightly.

“We’re not here to kill you, we just want to talk to you. No guns, just talking.” The boy, god he was only a boy, maybe 18 or 19. He waved the gun towards Prentiss and you tried not to wince. You had to be calm.

“She’s got a gun!!” He fired off a shot and you jumped back, but the bullet just went into a nearby wall. Too nearby.

“She’s putting the gun down,”

“Y/N.” Prentiss replied. In the second it took you to turn to look at your partner a loud bang when off, and you felt searing pain all throughout your body. Before you even hit the ground there was a second loud bang and the boy fell into a pile in front of you.

“No!” He was just a boy, “No..” You saw Prentiss above you, and you could see her lips moving but the sound of blood pounding in your ears was too loud for you to make out words. A second person arrived and you felt pressure on your abdomend. Hotch’s face was the last thing you saw, worried and panicked, before you blacked out.

Hotch was cupping your face in his hands, one finger on your pulse point while Prentiss continued to press on the wound.

“A bus is on the way.” Morgan confined, “Can I do anything?”

“Wait outside, make sure they get in here as quickly as possible.” Hotch ordered, feeling your pulse growing thready and faint below him.

“She’s going to be alright.” Prentiss assured her own worry written all over her face. There was too much blood for Hotch to be confronted. He continued to cup you cheek, gently rubbing his thumb on your cheek bone.

“She better be.” He said, then in a whisper, “You better be, Y/N, if you can hear me that’s an order. You better be okay. Please, you need to be okay.”

One Week Later

Your eyes fluttered open and everything was entirely too bright.

“Close the curtains,” Were the first words out of your mouth, and they came out in a hoarse grumble.

“Y/N!” Your boss’s voice came from beside you and suddenly he was right in front of you, eyes big and soft. He was in a t-shirt and plain jeans, it felt weird seeing him so casual.

“Where am I?” You asked, trying to sit yourself up, but a gentle hand on your shoulder pushed out back against the bed.

“Don’t move, you’ll pull out our stitches.”

“Stitches?” You asked, looking around, “I’m in the hospital?” Hotch nodded, keeping his hand on your shoulder as he rubbed gentle circles. It was coming back to you now. The case, the boy, the gun. The boy.

“Is he alright? The kid who shot me?” You asked and Hotch’s face stoned up. He looked away from you and you knew the answer. Your head fell back onto the mattress as you stared up at the ceiling. “He was just a kid.”

“He nearly killed you.” Hotch’s voice was firm.

“I’m fine,”

“No Y/N.” Hotch moved so you were looking at him again, holding you gaze with intense eyes. “You almost died. Touch and go. Surgery. Intensive care. We couldn’t even get you transferred to DC, we’re still in Florida.”

“Where is everyone?”

“They were here, but another case popped up. They had to leave.” You watched him.

“Without you?” Hotch smiled, his hand still on your shoulder finally moved, only to clasp around your hand, holding it tightly.

“I wasn’t going to let you wake up alone.” You smiled slightly and nodded, squeezing his hand back.

“Thank you.”

“Y/N.”

“Hm?” You asked. Hotch’s free hand came up to move some hair from your face.

“Don't you ever. Ever. Do that to me again.” You smirked slightly.

“No promises.” Hotch frowned deeply.

“I’m serious. I cannot lose you Y/N… I- I care too deeply for you.” You didn’t know what to say. You weren’t sure what it is he was trying to say to you.

“Hotch... “ He lifted your clasped hands and kissed the back of yours.

“I love you, Y/N.” He whispered and you felt your heart almost stop for the second time that week. You squeezed his hand back and nodded your head.

“I love you too Aaron.”

#cm #cm x reader #Criminal Minds #criminal minds x reader #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner imagine #hotch #hotch x reader #hotch x y/n #aaron hotchner x y/n

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fireladybuckley · 4 years ago

Note

Hi this is the Nonnie from before. To make this easier call me Val. I get that you want to provide evidence/examples to back up my viewpoint/argument. I have 3 main examples although at present they don’t directly relate to Buck. 1. When they found out that Chris had CP Eddie by his own admission admits that when he re-enlisted it was running away from the issue leaving Shannon to deal by herself which is why she got burnt out and ended up leaving. Eddie used the ‘selfless’ part 1/?

For anyone wondering, this was the initial ask this anon sent me.

Anon. Val.

I'm sorry, but those arguments do not convince me whatsoever, and especially as literally none of them pertain to Buck, I'm curious as to how this is even relevant to your original claim that Buddie would be toxic based on Eddie's behaviour as a "taker" and Buck being a "giver".

Let's break them down.

Example 1: Eddie reenlisting because he is afraid/doesn't want to deal with Chris's condition.

Yes. That was selfish. I don't think anyone would argue that it wasn't? He was at least paying the bills, but he definitely was trying to avoid the responsibility of his child, and leaving Shannon alone to do everything. The point of this, though, is that he has fully admitted that this action was wrong and that he regrets it. He has done everything he can for Christopher since then and has grown into a loving and devoted father. That is called character growth, my friend. Using that as an example of his current behaviour is completely moot.

Example 2: The cut rope during the well rescue

While I agree that this was a reckless (and selfless!) act, I don't agree that it's selfish. Of course it would be absolutely awful for Eddie to have died and left Christopher without his dad, but being a firefighter in general is dangerous. Look at how many times all of them could potentially have died! Every single one of the firefam has been on death's door before, some of them multiple times (although I suppose Chim doesn't count in this instance because his near-death experiences were outside of work). Hell, Chim's brother literally died on the job. An entire team of firefighters was lost on Lone Star. People know that there's a chance of this going into the job... it's just how it is.

Yes, what Eddie did was reckless, but he did it to save an innocent child from a terrible death. Buck would have done the same; hell, for what it's worth I bet Hen or Chim would have too when it came down to it in the moment, rather than letting the little boy stay down there to die - not when they were SO close. He didn't know the well would collapse. If it had all gone down 3 minutes earlier, everything would've been fine.

Example 3: allowing Ana into their bubble

This one is a weird one to be honest. I feel like it is much more than the writers wanted to shove in a love interest for Eddie rather than Eddie being blasé about Covid restrictions. If Chris was actually high risk, I firmly believe Eddie would not have let her in. Not to mention the writers have been very inconsistent with Covid things this season... sometimes they're wearing masks, sometimes they're not, sometimes it seems like Covid is a real thing they're careful about, other times not.... that is a weakness in the writing room, not a weakness of specific characters.

Carla seems to have left for most of the season mostly because of family issues (as stated in 4x13 - Eddie tells her they missed her and that he's sorry about her father, and Carla replies that she was grateful she got to "spend that time with him".) The clear implication here is that she was away to attend to her dying father, not because of Covid restrictions.

As for Abuela: who knows? Chris just says she's not around when he's talking to Buck that day (in 4x08). He says "Carla, Abuelita, my friends..." when he's talking about the people who have left. Of course his friends are probably in reference to Covid since he is doing school online and likely hasn't seen any of them. We have the explanation for Carla's absence in 4x13.

Consider something that is likely: Abuela herself is probably high risk. Remember that Covid has decimated elderly populations in many places around the world; I know a LOT of people who haven't seen their grandparents since this all started. It makes a lot more sense that SHE is high risk and they are staying away from her for that reason.

----------

Anyway. I kind of went on a bit more than I meant to there, but yeah.

If you have any examples that are actually pertinent to Buddie being toxic because "Buck is a giver and Eddie is a taker who uses selfless reasons to justify his selfish decisions", then please give them to me.

Otherwise? You've only convinced me that you just don't like Eddie in general, rather than pointed out personality traits that would ruin a relationship.

#anon asks #911 #eddie diaz #discourse #buddie #anon Val

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saltwatersweetner · 4 years ago

Text

End Me

Eren x Reader

A Prequel of Sorts. Eren never fought for control preferring the security of your hold on him but you could never fully domesticate a wild animal it seemed.

Part 1 Part 3

CW: Manipulation, Toxic Relationship, Attempted Murder, Unhealthy coping mechanisms all in all mildly unsettling themes.

Eren knew how to be good—painfully so. He also knew how to be bad—concerningly so. He was a creature of habit. He did whatever he decided was best for him at the moment and maybe thats what lead you to your current stare down.

“Eren I said move.”

“Fuck what you said.”

Frowning you tried to think what honestly could have brought this mood upon him. It couldn’t have been because you were going out he always understood your random need to socialize. You also can’t remember purposefully setting him off, not in the mood and you weren’t completely cruel to ignore his random—even for him mood change—more in tune to your partners mood swings and emotions than you were to you own.

Carefully reaching out for him you raise an eyebrow when he moves away from your—for now—gentle touch “Are you really upset or just being a brat?”

“Stop talking to me.”

Huffing you choose to ignore his attitude and slip your coat over your shoulders just in time for a knock to be heard from the front door. With Eren on your heels you open the door for your friend.

“Y/N I called but you didn’t answer so I just came up.”

You get a flashback of Eren throwing a tantrum not even 30 minutes ago and launching your device from you 6th floor apartment “Yeah I dropped my phone off the balcony but lets go—Eren be good.”

His glare turns even more deadly when Reiner politely wraps an arm around your shoulders. Closing the door behind you Reiner laughs into the quiet hall “Be good? What is he your dog?”

“Something like that.”

Reiner was a friend an attractive one at that and Eren didn’t like it at all. He hated anyone that was even remotely close to you because you already didn’t like anyone but with Reiner it was different. You let him touch you and hold you.

Eren hated it, he hated it so much—and to make matters worse you didn’t care about his feelings—not one bit.

After a night of bar hopping and watching Bertholdt make a fool of himself in front of Annie, Reiner once again brought you home.

“It was nice seeing you, without your guard dog.” The face he made at the thought of Eren wasn’t a nice one.

“Aw sweetheart don’t be mean.” Reaching up you hold his warm cheek in your slightly chilled hand.

You knew jealousy when you saw it, could detect the slightest change of emotion when it was presented to you. He leans into your hold like a cat seeking out affection—much different than Eren’s wild way of seeking you out.

“Don’t be jealous my dear use your words.”

Reiners face was slowly moving closer to yours and you smirk in amusement. It would seem you had a knack for catching the attention for boys who were looking to be controlled.

“Y/N....”

Your door swings open before Reiner can kiss you and Eren is looking beyond livid. Reiner freezes his fight or flight telling him to run but you keep him steady with your palm.

“Were you waiting for me?”

Eren’s nod is slow and deliberate his eyes still glaring at the nonexistent space between you and the blond.

“Then that ends our time together, goodnight Reiner.” He shivers in what you think is glee from the acknowledgment of the time you spent with him.

“Goodnight.” He doesn’t acknowledge Eren any longer and hurries out to the elevator.

Turning back to the aforementioned boy you make a motion with your wrist “Move.”

When he eventually does get out of your way your hyper aware of the way he sticks to you almost like glue. Throwing your coat over the back of your couch you stretch and lead him to the kitchen.

“You hungry? All I’ve done is drink tonight I could really eat—“

He swings you into the wall by the neck. The alcohol in your system made it incredibly difficult to feel the pain you knew was blossoming up your back so all you could do was stare at the man before you.

You saw the endless sea of madness that unlike you he didn’t bother to cover up. Everyone found the look endearing on him like he never left that childishness behind but you knew the truth.

You could slowly feel yourself starting to suffocate. You didn’t bother panicking because as it had it Eren had all the power right now. If he or you moved the wrong way your neck was as good as snapped.

“Why did you let him touch you?”

Putting a calm hand on his wrist you try and fail to alleviate some of the pressure being forced down on your windpipe “Why. Does. It. Matter.”

Eren was breathing unevenly stuck between fighting his impulses and actually causing some damage “You’re mine you’re—you’re not supposed to—“

“Says. Who?” That makes him let go.

As it would have it you and Eren weren’t dating in any shape or form but he belonged to you. You brought him pleasure that he couldn’t find anywhere else. He was entirely devout to you and you only, all on his own fruition. From the moment he’d accidentally bumped into you and saw through the mask you wore. From the moment he stalked you from the moment he’d shown himself to you begging for salvation.

He wanted to play the game—wanted to be entertained in the morbid way regular people would get sick to their stomachs at—and you let him. You found him amusing enough to keep around but you refused to belong to anyone but yourself.

He was losing the game and fast. As his god you couldn’t be bothered with feeling bad for him.

“Now we can eat or you can sit here and starve whats it gonna be?”

Eren looked terribly unwell like he was about to fold in on himself “u-um eat please.”

You’d never seen him look so unsure before and it made you excited. How would he cry for you next? Would he try to fight more, yell and scream? Or would it be silent and broken?

Flicking your wrist you busy yourself in the kitchen “Good choice, go sit.”

He does as he’s told mumbling words to himself along the way. Was it cruel? Maybe. But you couldn’t be bothered considering how much of a thorn in your side he’d been all day.

You wanted to break him more and till he was nothing but crushed up stars slipping away in the wind. You almost felt bad for how much you were going to ruin him.

But he was your property after all to do with what you wanted. No one could stop you even if they tried. Especially because he let you and thats what made keeping him around so worth it.

You didn’t have the capability of feeling anything close to love no matter how fond of the boy you actually were. So you settled with ownership—they were damn near synonymous anyways.

So you proceeded as normal—well as normal as you are. You order the food you feed him and you move on to wash the dishes. He’d eventually get out of his feelings because he didn’t have the mental capacity to dwell on certain emotions for too long. It was all but routine now.

“Eren bring me whatever dishes you left lying around.”

“...ok.”

Filling the sink with a mixture of water soap and a drop of bleach you wait patiently for the boy to bring what you requested. Turning off the tap You almost get impatient when it seemed like he was taking forever.

“Eren—“ you’re grabbed by the back of the head and shoved face first into the sudsy water.

You try with all your strength to get your head out of the sink but Eren just doesn’t stop. He’d never...hurt you before? Never acted out in this manner it startled you maybe.

And you were slowly but surely drowning.

When he finally does let you up you drop to the floor taking in large gulps of air. Your eyes stung from the mix of bleach and soapy water and you were suddenly freezing.

“Dont,” you look up to eren to see he once again wore that livid expression.

“Dont you ever think about leaving me do you understand?” His breathing was already heavy but now it was slowly turning into hyperventilation. “I’ll kill you I’ll fucking kill you if you ever l-leave me.”

You watched him begin to sob, dropping on his knees he crowded closer to you looking every bit of the victim he made himself.

“Im sorry I’m good I’ll be good I swear!” He tries to touch you but you smack his hands away making him sob harder.

You knew Eren you knew him. His inclination of violence had never been towards you and yet?

“Hit me hit me hit me im sorry please im good I promise.”

Those were the only words that made sense to you in the moment. You were a violent creature by nature one who prioritized your own life before anyone else’s, you’ve never done anything you didnt doubt you’d be able to get out of and yet? Eren had surprised you and not in a good way.

Your eyes come back into focus and you see the pitiful look he wore as if he hadn’t just almost killed you “Hit me please?”

And so you do.

You punch him right in the face with all your strength causing him to fly back against the tiles and you don’t stop there. You let out all the frustration from your near death experience out onto his body completely aware of the blissed out smile he now sported.

Regardless your mind was going 1 million miles per hour as one thing became clear. Eren was slipping out of your control and fast. One day you feared he’d be the one in control and that wasn’t a game you wanted to play.

You’re in control.

You were IN control

You not him.

You.

You freeze. Fist inches from his face.

It was like your body was in forced reboot you couldn’t move your thoughts finally spiraled too far and too fast for you to reach.

You weren’t in control?

Starring at the needy expression on his face you came to the horrific realization that maybe you’d been playing in his hands all this time. He’d been able to get anything he ever wanted out of you—he knew it too.

Did you really—no you couldn’t be right?

“I’m good see?”

Wrong—you were in so fucking deep.

Slowing your breathing you lower your once trembling fist “Get. Out.”

“Huh?”

Climbing off his chest you wipe the remaining water off your face “Get the fuck out I dont wanna see you.”

Eren hadn’t expected this outcome considering how hurt he looked “B-but where am I supposed to go?”

It was a stupid question you both knew he had his own dorm to himself but he’d been so used to sleeping with you every night that he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

Rolling your eyes you til your head “I dont care.”

“I cant sleep without you.”

“Cry about it.”

Hauling his shocked form up and out of your home you slam the door shut and immediately turn all three locks ignoring his soft cries from the other side.

Pulling at your wet shirt you could feel the breakdown coming. How did he do it? How’d he make your carefully crafted control snap?

Going into your room you lock that door as well before snatching the throw blanket from the end of your bed and a pillow. Going into your walk-in closet you close the door behind you and navigate in the dark to the farthest corner and sit.

You sit and sit and sit and sit and sit...and then you scream.

You scream until your lungs are raw and your voice is gone and you’re not sure when exactly you started scratching at your face but the stinging thats left behind is brutal.

You needed to think.

You needed a plan.

You needed—fuck you didnt know.

But you did know Eren was about to become a much bigger problem.

#eren yaegar #eren yeager x reader #eren jeager x reader #aot x gn!reader #aot imagines #aot x reader #snk imagines #snk x reader #reiner x y/n #gn!reader

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painted-crow · 4 years ago

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How does someone unburn? At first I thought I was a double Hufflepuff but after looking back at how I acted before I was harshly bullied in high school, I've figured out I'm a badly burned double Gryffindor with a Hufflepuff model and a really unhealthy Ravenclaw model that I use to cope with my ADHD. Do I just need to work on my self-confidence somehow?

I'll give some general advice, then try to take a shot at helping your specific situation. I'm not, like, an expert at this though, so I'm relying on my own and my friends' experiences to inform this.

The things I'm about to describe are really difficult and my description of them is going to sound pat and simplistic. Sorry about that. I'm not trying to minimize the struggle that's involved here, it's just that giving general advice for something this deeply personal is always going to sound kind of trite.

1. Get out of toxic situations and relationships, as much as possible.

Of course this is easier said than done, but it's really really important. If you can't leave the situation or relationship entirely, which would be best, try to work on setting healthy boundaries--as much as is safe for your particular situation. Don't put yourself in danger if you're reliant on someone abusive.

Related: try your best to replace these relationships with ones involving people who aren't shitty. Isolation is generally not good, and you want to avoid slipping back into shitty relationships out of loneliness.

I'm not talking specifically about romantic relationships, btw, just the people you surround yourself with in general.

2. Be patient with yourself.

Give yourself space to be wrong and suck at things. That's called recovery, and the less you can beat yourself up about needing to take time and space to recover, the easier it'll be. Trust that the people who love you don't consider you a burden.

3. Talk things out with someone non-judgmental.

Using your primary as it un-burns can feel really weird. You might feel guilty or uncertain. Sometimes, talking to someone else just to check that the decision you feel is right (but are conflicted about) isn't totally off the deep end can be really helpful. Choose the person wisely, though.

4. Do things that make you feel like yourself.

Don't apologize for taking the "easy" or "lazy" or "impractical" way to solve a problem, especially a low-stakes one. In context of an unburning secondary, that's probably your real secondary you're feeling weird about using.

Maybe take up a hobby that lets you play with your unburning secondary in a low-stakes situation. If you use Lion secondary to experiment in the kitchen, the worst thing that can happen is you ruin a little food and feed the neighborhood raccoon--it's not the end of the world and you can do better next time :)

Now, for your specifics...

If you're out of high school--hooray! You're out of the toxic environment. The thing you need to be careful about is making sure you don't subconsciously seek out similar environments in work or college because they feel familiar.

Also try to challenge the assumption that those around you are just the same as the bullies you left behind--it's very easy to still feel defensive after people were shitholes to you for that long. (I got bullied too.)

If you're not out of high school yet, try to set boundaries for yourself about what deserves your emotional and physical energy. If the only things asking for your attention are destructive, find something that isn't. I picked up writing fantasy novels, which I recommend because you're able to craft your own self-indulgent escapism and it's free and you don't even have to show it to anybody.

If you're in university in the US (and probably a bunch of other places, but I don’t know specifics about them) then you almost certainly have access to free therapy/counseling through your university. Take advantage of that. Don't feel bad about dumping your therapist if you can tell the relationship isn't working, either--I've had a couple of laughably bad therapists, but I've also seen some pretty good ones. And no, your experience isn't "too insignificant" or whatever to see a therapist--if you want to or feel like it could help, you should.

Since you bring up unhealthy model(s), I wonder if I should mention the 4F responses as something to be aware of. We can become over-reliant on one of the four (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) after long-term shitty situations. Unhealthy Hufflepuffs and fawn responders have some overlap. Same with unhealthy Ravenclaw secondaries and flight responders. This may or may not apply to you specifically but it's worth investigating.

Here's a very well-written, accessible explanation of the 4F responses, and here's the detail-rich academic version.

Anyway, back to your Houses. The more you can use your unburning Houses in light, low-stakes situations where failure isn't costly, the better. Play with them as much as you can, basically. Try to not get too upset when they fail; you're relearning them and they'll get better. If you think you're shitty at using them, try to be okay with that and be patient. Try not to dismiss them as not valuable or practical; lots of people use the different Houses to great effect.

Uhhhh so this is just a brain dump of different advice, and I have no idea if any of this is helpful. Anyone else want to weigh in?

#sortinghatchats #unburning #burned gryffindor primary #burned gryffindor secondary #asks #paint speaks #q

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wielderofmysteries · 4 years ago

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Jace Beleren, Masculinity, and the Trans Experience

(This post is a Twitter thread I wrote in response to a Goblin Lore podcast episode called “Jace Beleren and Toxic Masculinity”.)

I feel I have a unique perspective on this topic as a trans man. Trans man Jace isn't my headcanon, but it's an interpretation I love. He's my favorite character of all time, and as a trans man, I feel like reading Jace's flaws as toxic masculinity isn't quite right.

There are several "pillars" of toxic masculinity that Jace doesn't have. He doesn't have the self-destructive emotional repression, worship of sex and violence, or desire to subjugate women and his peers that men who experience toxic masculinity have.

Even BEFORE Ixalan, Jace was an example of many positive masculine traits. He was curious and emotionally open. He wrongly believed he could make decisions for others, but he cared for people, wanted to protect them, and couldn't sit idly by when he knew people were in danger.

In Agents of Artifice, he financially provided for Kallist and Liliana, and in Magic Story invited the Gatewatch to live in his home. Jace wanted to heal Garruk, tried to stop his rampage and had a Hedron implanted in Garruk's shoulder to relieve the effects of the curse.

"I don't want to hurt you, Garruk."

"Lucky for me, I don't feel the same way."

"Garruk, this is not a fair fight. You've suffered enough. Please. Come with me."

[...]

Jace stood in thought. Garruk held him by the throat, could end his life in an eye blink, had already proven he was immune to Jace's illusions. Garruk laughed again. If Garruk was open to having friends, then Jace might have been a good one.

"You win," said Jace. "We will leave you alone. I will not seek you out. But please, if you change your mind, come find us on Ravnica. Something is still not right here. We can help you."

In "Revelation at the Eye" Jace tells Ugin that Zendikar isn't a puzzle to be solved, and that it didn't matter if killing the Eldrazi has consequences, there are real people on Zendikar fighting for their lives and he needs to help them.

"Zendikar isn't a puzzle to be solved," said Jace. "It's a place. It's somebody's home. And those people are out there, right now, fighting for their world and wondering if anybody's going to help them kill what's killing them."

He showed scenes of suffering, then—of families mourning the lost, of landscapes ravaged by Ulamog, of even the skies and seas teeming with the Eldrazi menace.

Ugin cocked his head. The hedron architecture of the chamber seemed to melt and flow, became a pattern of tessellating dragons mocking him from the walls.

"So certain," said Ugin, "and so young."

Ral Zarek tried to kill Jace and ruined his relationship with his close friend Emmara, but in "Project Lightning Bug", Jace forgives him. Jace is honest about his feelings with Ral even after Ral was openly rude to him.

"I don't remember home," Beleren said quietly, unbidden.

"What?"

"You talked about growing up in Ravnica. A lot of my memories from my childhood are gone. Chopped up in my head into a few impressions. Most of what I remember begins here, on Ravnica. I'll never have roots here the way you do, and I admit I'm off to other planes a lot. But I think of myself as Ravnican to the core, too."

In Kaladesh block he wanted Chandra to be able to confide in him, and didn't want to stay home when he heard she could be in trouble. He used his mind magic to help Nissa sleep when she had a sensory overload in the busy city.

Nissa looked up. Jace and Gideon were exchanging a look. Both glanced at her.

They stood as one.

Jace turned toward the coat room. "I'll head to Kaladesh. It should be easy for me to—"

Lavinia appeared in his path, one hand resting on the pommel her sword. "Again?" she said, in a weary, disappointed tone.

He frowned up at her. "You can't expect me to sit here and do paperwork!"

Across the streets, beyond the barricades, the Consulate's panharmonicons are still blaring "The Gremlin's Wedding March" at us on infinite repeat at double speed. They left them on all night, and after the moon set Nissa started crying, hands clamped over her ears.

[...]

Jace sat down with her. They talked a minute and his eyes flashed. She curled up in a big potted plant and didn't wake up until the sun fell on her.

But what does being a man mean to Jace Beleren? Well, take a look at his feelings towards Gideon. Jace saw Gideon as the male ideal. I think Jace admires (and is envious of) the way Gideon is a representation of positive masculinity.

Eyes widened, jaws set. They understood their task, he was certain of that. But were they actually prepared to perform it?

What would Gideon say?

Jace smiled. Of course.

"For Zendikar," he said, raising one fist in the air. It felt thin to him, lacking Gideon's armored fist, his baritone war cry, his iron conviction.

None of that mattered. The soldiers shouted as one voice, holding their weapons aloft.

"For Zendikar!"

Gideon is not violent or hypersexual. He's kind, not afraid to ask for help, a defender rather than an aggressor. The pillars of toxic masculinity are absent in both Jace and Gideon. So why does Gideon's mere presence make Jace insecure? I think that insecurity is dysphoria.

I'm only 5 feet tall. People treat me like a kid, think I need help, and certainly don't see me as a man because I'm very small. It feels bad knowing my looks don't inspire others or make them feel safe like big tall guys can.

Gideon is super tall, muscular, conventionally attractive. He's charismatic and a natural leader. Gideon's like a human lighthouse. Jace is average height, out-of-shape, often pale and sickly, and his telepathy makes people automatically distrust him.

It's easy to see why people follow Gideon's lead so easily rather than Jace's. As a trans man, I personally related to Jace's insecurity. He feels inadequate compared to Gideon.

"I'd rather stand," said Gideon.

Jace stood up. It was an error. He still had to crane his neck to look Gideon in the eye, and now the size difference between them was glaringly obvious. He hated feeling small. Hated it.

Jace wanting to lead the Gatewatch didn't come from a desire to dominate others and be an ~alpha male~, but from a desire for people to believe in him. What Jace really wants is to prove to himself and others that he's competent and that he can be trusted.

This vision appeared whenever the man was struggling at a task.

[...]

"Listen, you aren't really suited to this task. Let me handle it." The vision's voice was gruff but friendly.

It came off as condescending.

The man was annoyed.

"I can do it myself."

The hallucination sighed. "You and I both know you're not suited to this. Let me handle it, you go philosophize on the other end of the beach."

"I said I can do it myself." The man let his irritation reach his voice.

"No, you can't. I call the shots and execute, you stand to the side. That's how this works."

The man responded by throwing his hook at the hallucination. It went straight through the figure's eye and landed behind him on the sand.

The time he spends with Vraska is so good for him! I loved that [the podcasts hosts] talked about how he was finally happy to follow someone else's lead! He didn't need to be a leader, he needed someone to trust him. She respected and loved him and thought he was incredible for who he is.

Vraska looked him in the eye. "You're incredible. You know that, right?"

Jace returned her smile and felt his cheeks warming. "I do my best."

"Well, your best is incredible," Vraska said, turning toward the central tower and approaching a large gate on what appeared to be its back side.

Liliana never told Jace he was incredible.

Liliana would have scoffed. She would have made a dismissive joke, rolled her eyes, and called him a show-off. She would not bother to talk to him for days. She would consume the body of a demon with a crocodile's jaws and laugh over the sound of its flesh tearing off. She would do all sorts of things, but she would never call him incredible.

It was important for Jace to get that validation. Now he's not insecure about his appearance. It's not that he finally developed into someone who was caring. He was caring all along, but he was held back by insecurity about how others perceive him. He learned to love himself.

Despite all his good qualities and deeds he still felt insecure because it wasn't easy to visually see him as a "strong man". I think it's important to acknowledge positive masculinity even when the man in question isn't attractive or charismatic, and even if he makes mistakes.

As a trans person, Jace's experience reminded me of the struggle to "pass". It's frightening how easily insecurity can turn into toxic masculinity when you feel different from "real men". If you don't look the part, some people will just never acknowledge you.

Next to 'perfect' guys like Gideon, it's easy to see our own perceived weaknesses and shortcomings. Easy to feel resentment for it. But from this struggle comes the strive to be better men, to be confident in ourselves, and comfortable in our bodies.

There's SO much I wanted to talk about, like how Jace's trauma shaped his need for control, how the IRL gamer guys he was created to represent actually hate him, how he's a male victim of abuse by a female partner, etc but this thread is already terribly long.

TLDR; I think toxic masculinity as a reading of Jace is missing some perspective. The trans perspective. Not all insecurity men experience is toxic masculinity. Sorry I totally should have waited until part 2 was out, but I couldn't stop thinking about that episode.

There's a lack of trans men's voices in... basically everything, and this is something I think we should definitely be included in. I'm so grateful for the Vorthos community opening these kinds of discussions. Super excited for part 2 of the podcast!

#mtg #jace beleren #magic story #analysis #long post

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iamanartichoke · 4 years ago

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Started to post this rant on the other post but the conversation was involving so many people going back and forth that I didn’t feel my additions were necessary there; everything I’d want to say was said already, and better.

But, of course, I still have feelings, so I’m just gonna dump them here instead.

Under the cut.

Wow. Just wow.

Fuck whoever took someone’s TAGGED POST and spread it around for the sole purpose of mocking it. @iamnmbr3 I am so sorry that happened to you.

Fuck whoever responds to people’s apprehension and negativity with anger and mockery.

Fuck people who think that the Loki fandom clearly has to be a hivemind, bc anyone who is deviating from the “omg bEsT mOsT AcCuRaTe LoKi dEpIctIoN EVAR i am SO EXCITE” reaction is being shunned, made fun of, vague-posted about, and just generally being treated as if they should not speak AMONG THEMSELVES about their disappointment in what we’ve seen so far of the show.

Fuck people who submit anonymous ask after anonymous ask to popular Tom Hiddleston ask blogs, obsessing over what people are disappointed in.

Fuck people who make posts like “omg guess what the whiners are complaining about today!!” and spread them around. (How do you even know what’s being whined about today? Stop fucking seeking it out.)

Here’s the thing: I am/was excited. I am taking the trailers with a grain of salt. I am examining what Tom has to say about it and considering the sheer volume of content we’re about to get and remaining (cautiously) optimistic. I have never hated the idea of this tv show.

And for the record, I have never hated Ragnarok, either. I’ve seen it more times than I can count bc there was a time when it was my comfort movie. It was funny and fresh. It got me into Loki enough to actively join and engage in fandom. But even when enjoying it as a comfort movie, it felt much more like crack fanfiction than anything that went in tandem - canonically, characteristically, or tonally - with the first two Thor movies.

As I familiarized myself more and more with the entire franchise, it was more and more clear to me that there were two sets of characters being portrayed, and that I vastly preferred to engage with the Thor 1/TDW set of characters even while enjoying the Ragnarok set.

And talking about that on tumblr was interesting and engaging to me, bc that’s how my brain works. I like to dissect things. I like to analyze fiction. I like to be critical. And I enjoyed reading meta and engaging with people who had similar thoughts.

Until it became clear that this is a fandom that makes you feel like you’re not allowed to be critical of anything, lest you be labeled an “anti” and a debbie downer and a misery queen. Ragnarok was kinda ruined for me in general bc I felt like I was no longer allowed to enjoy it the way I wanted to bc I didn’t also consider it even a good movie, let alone the best Thor movie ever.

And this is happening with the show now, too. Like I said, I was excited and I was optimistic but the closer we get to the premiere, the more deflated I feel. And it’s because this fucking fandom is ruining it for me. Specifically, the majority of this fandom who is so offended by a small number of outliers who do not care for the new way Loki is being portrayed (and yes, it IS new, and does not mesh with what we saw before Ragnarok, and you can protest that but you are wrong) that they can’t ever shut up about it.

Yes, I can curate my fandom experience and I can block tags and whatnot but even after doing that, I still keep encountering it. And, also, I feel like I shouldn’t have to block/blacklist 75% of the fandom just so that I can feel secure in engaging with it without worrying about being attacked or made fun of.

I don’t care if you’re excited about the show. I’m happy for you! If you’re excited and engaging with that excitement in positive ways without shitting on anyone else, good for you. Thank you.

But it seems like a whole fucking bunch of you aren’t content to just be excited. You’ve gotta stir up discourse shit too, bc - I don’t know, you’re bored? It makes you feel good? It feeds your superiority complex?

Here’s the facts: You are the ones who are making it miserable for everyone - you who are doing all of the above things and continuing to make tumblr feel very hostile to everyone who isn’t wetting their pants in excitement about this fresh new Loki stuff.

Just stop it. Maybe do some self-reflection and ask yourself why it bothers you so much that other people don’t feel the way you do, or ask yourself why you need to stir up drama where there otherwise shouldn’t be any, and whether or not you’ll be happy when the outliers have been driven from the fandom completely and all that’s left is your hivemind of toxic positivity.

^^^ This is not well-written, it is literally a brain dump, so I apologize if it’s nonsensical or disjointed.

#just ugh #fandom wank #reblog if you want to i guess but #i'm not proud of the quality of this post #smh #long post #cut post #skip if you don't want to read about fandom nonsense

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wlw-lovestruck-fiction · 3 years ago

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I actually left basically every single fandom and deleted Lovestruck because both sides of the fandom can be so toxic, I'd express liking for a character such a Runa and then people would come on saying that she's a pos while being obsessed with Chance. Everytime I'd say I like so and so female side character I'd get told that I've got enough females. They all ruined the app for me, I was finally so happy to have wlw as a newly out lesbian and they ruined it, so I left

I understand. That also happened to me in another fandom. It always sucks 😐

Honestly, I wanted to leave the fandom once Yvette finished. Then Piama came around, and I decided to stick around a bit longer. There are two defined sides to the fandom, and we're always risking angering the other. It's exhausting having to watch out everything I say because I'd rather not deal with the backlash. Can't really express love for a certain character without being pummeled by some people... but thankfully, not everyone is like that. I've found a lot of friendly people willing to accept opinions and I'm very happy for that, but it does mean I have to put up with the behavior you mentioned, anon. Not much we can do there. Sorry for that ruining your experience with the app 😞

On another note, I hope your gay journey is going well! Happy to have you in the community, friend ❤️ - Mod Jessa

#anonymous #answered

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all-things-are-nothing-to-me · 4 years ago

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The New Nihilism

It feels increasingly difficult to tell the difference between—on one hand—being old, sick, and defeated, and—on the other hand—living in a time-&-place that is itself senile, tired, and defeated. Sometimes I think it’s just me—but then I find that some younger, healthier people seem to be undergoing similar sensations of ennui, despair, and impotent anger. Maybe it’s not just me.

A friend of mine attributed the turn to disillusion with “everything”, including old-fashioned radical/activist positions, to disappointment over the present political regime in the US, which was somehow expected to usher in a turn away from the reactionary decades since the 1980s, or even a “progress” toward some sort of democratic socialism. Although I myself didn’t share this optimism (I always assume that anyone who even wants to be President of the US must be a psychopathic murderer) I can see that “youth” suffered a powerful disillusionment at the utter failure of Liberalism to turn the tide against Capitalism Triumphalism. The disillusion gave rise to OCCUPY and the failure of OCCUPY led to a move toward sheer negation.

However I think this merely political analysis of the “new nothing” may be too two-dimensional to do justice to the extent to which all hope of “change” has died under Kognitive Kapital and the technopathocracy. Despite my remnant hippy flower- power sentiments I too feel this “terminal” condition (as Nietzsche called it), which I express by saying, only half-jokingly, that we have at last reached the Future, and that the truly horrible truth of the End of the World is that it doesn’t end.

One big J.G. Ballard/Philip K. Dick shopping mall from now till eternity, basically.

This IS the future—how do you like it so far? Life in the Ruins: not so bad for the bourgeoisie, the loyal servants of the One Percent. Air-conditioned ruins! No Ragnarok, no Rapture, no dramatic closure: just an endless re-run of reality TV cop shows. 2012 has come and gone, and we’re still in debt to some faceless bank, still chained to our screens.

Most people—in order to live at all—seem to need around themselves a penumbra of “illusion” (to quote Nietzsche again):—that the world is just rolling along as usual, some good days some bad, but in essence no different now than in 10000 BC or 1492 AD or next year. Some even need to believe in Progress, that the Future will solve all our problems, and even that life is much better for us now than for (say) people in the 5th century AD. We live longer thanx to Modern Science—of course our extra years are largely spent as “medical objects”—sick and worn out but kept ticking by Machines & Pills that spin huge profits for a few megacorporations & insurance companies. Nation of Struldbugs.

True, we’re suffocating in the mire generated by our rule of sick machines under the Numisphere of Money. At least ten times as much money now exists than it would take to buy the whole world—and yet species are vanishing space itself is vanishing, icecaps melting, air and water grown toxic, culture grown toxic, landscape sacrificed to fracking and megamalls, noise-fascism, etc, etc. But Science will cure all that ills that Science has created—in the Future (in the “long run”, when we’re all dead, as Lord Keynes put it); so meanwhile we’ll carry on consuming the world and shitting it out as waste—because it’s convenient & efficient & profitable to do so, and because we like it.

Well, this is all a bunch of whiney left-liberal cliches, no? Heard it before a million times. Yawn. How boring, how infantile, how useless. Even if it were all true... what can we do about it? If our Anointed Leaders can’t or won’t stop it, who will? God? Satan? The “People”?

All the fashionable “solutions” to the “crisis”, from electronic democracy to revolutionary violence, from locavorism to solar-powered dingbats, from financial market regulation to the General Strike—all of them, however ridiculous or sublime, depend on one preliminary radical change—a seismic shift in human consciousness. Without such a change all the hope of reform is futile. And if such a change were somehow to occur, no “reform” would be necessary. The world would simply change. The whales would be saved. War no more. And so on.

What force could (even in theory) bring about such a shift? Religion? In 6,000 years of organized religion matters have only gotten worse. Psychedelic drugs in the reservoirs? The Mayan calendar? Nostalgia? Terror?

If catastrophic disaster is now inevitable, perhaps the “Survivalist” scenario will ensue, and a few brave millions will create a green utopia in the smoking waste. But won’t Capitalism find a way to profit even from the End of the World? Some would claim that it’s doing so already. The true catastrophe may be the final apotheosis of commodity fetishism.

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that this paradise of power tools and back-up alarms is all we’ve got & all we’re going to get. Capitalism can deal with global warming—it can sell water-wings and disaster insurance. So it’s all over, let’s say—but we’ve still got television & Twitter. Childhood’s End—i.e. the child as ultimate consumer, eager for the brand. Terrorism or home shopping network—take yr pick (democracy means choice).

Since the death of the Historical Movement of the Social in 1989 (last gasp of the hideous “short” XXth century that started in 1914) the only “alternative” to Capitalist Neo-Liberal totalitarianism that seems to have emerged is religious neo-fascism. I understand why someone would want to be a violent fundamentalist bigot—I even sympathize—but just because I feel sorry for lepers doesn’t mean I want to be one.

When I attempt to retain some shreds of my former antipessimism I fantasize that History may not be over, that some sort of Populist Green Social Democracy might yet emerge to challenge the obscene smugness of “Money Interests”—something along the lines of 1970s Scandinavian monarcho-socialism—which in retrospect now looks the most humane form of the State ever to have emerged from the putrid suck-hole of Civilization. (Think of Amsterdam in its heyday.) Of course as an anarchist I’d still have to oppose it—but at least I’d have the luxury of believing that, in such a situation, anarchy might actually stand some chance of success. Even if such a movement were to emerge, however, we can rest damn-well assured it won’t happen in the USA. Or anywhere in the ghost-realm of dead Marxism, either. Maybe Scotland!

It would seem quite pointless to wait around for such a rebirth of the Social. Years ago many radicals gave up all hope of The Revolution, and the few who still adhere to it remind me of religious fanatics. It might be soothing to lapse into such doctrinaire revolutionism, just as it might be soothing to sink into mystical religion—but for me at least both options have lost their savor. Again, I sympathize with those true believers (although not so much when they lapse into authoritarian leftism or fascism)— nevertheless, frankly, I’m too depressed to embrace their Illusions.

If the End-Time scenario sketched above be considered actually true, what alternatives might exist besides suicidal despair? After much thought I’ve come up with three basic strategies.

1) Passive Escapism. Keep your head down, don’t make waves. Capitalism permits all sorts of “lifestyles” (I hate that word)—just pick one & try to enjoy it. You’re even allowed to live as a dirt farmer without electricity & infernal combustion, like a sort of secular Amish refusnik. Well, maybe not. But at least you could flirt with such a life. “Smoke Pot, Eat Chicken, Drink Tea,” as we used to say in the 60s in the Moorish Church of America, our psychedelic cult. Hope they don’t catch you. Fit yourself into some Permitted Category such as Neo-Hippy or even Anabaptist.

2) Active Escapism. In this scenario you attempt to create the optimal conditions for the emergence of Autonomous Zones, whether temporary, periodic or even (semi)permanent. In 1984 when I first coined the term Temporary Autonomous Zone (TAZ)

I envisioned it as a complement to The Revolution—although I was already, to be truthful, tired of waiting for a moment that seemed to have failed in 1968. The TAZ would give a taste or premonition of real liberties: in effect you would attempt to live as if the Revolution had already occurred, so as not to die without ever having experienced “free freedom” (as Rimbaud called it, liberte libre). Create your own pirate utopia.

Of course the TAZ can be as brief & simple as a really good dinner party, but the true autonomist will want to maximize the potential for longer & deeper experiences of authentic lived life. Almost inevitably this will involve crime, so it’s necessary to think like a criminal, not a victim. A “Johnson” as Burroughs used to say—not a “mark”. How else can one live (and live well) without Work. Work, the curse of the thinking class. Wage slavery. If you’re lucky enough to be a successful artist, you can perhaps achieve relative autonomy without breaking any obvious laws (except the laws of good taste, perhaps). Or you could inherit a million. (More than a million would be a curse.) Forget revolutionary morality—the question is, can you afford your taste of freedom? For most of us, crime will be not only a pleasure but a necessity. The old anarcho-Illegalists showed the way: individual expropriation. Getting caught of course spoils the whole thing—but risk is an aspect of self-authenticity.

One scenario I’ve imagined for active Escapism would be to move to a remote rural area along with several hundred other libertarian socialists—enough to take over the local government (municipal or even county) and elect or control the sheriffs & judges, the parent/teacher association, volunteer fire department and even the water authority. Fund the venture with cultivation of illegal phantastice and carry on a discreet trade. Organize as a “Union of Egoists” for mutual benefit & ecstatic pleasures—perhaps under the guise of “communes” or even monasteries, who cares. Enjoy it as long as it lasts.

I know for a fact that this plan is being worked on in several places in America—but of course I’m not going to say where.

Another possible model for individual escapists might be the nomadic adventurer. Given that the whole world seems to be turning into a giant parking lot or social network, I don’t know if this option remains open, but I suspect that it might. The trick would be to travel in places where tourists don’t—if such places still exist—and to involve oneself in fascinating and dangerous situations. For example if I were young and healthy I’d’ve gone to France to take part in the TAZ that grew around resistance to the new airport—or to Greece—or Mexico—wherever the perverse spirit of rebellion crops up. The problem here is of course funding. (Sending back statues stuffed with hash is no longer a good idea.) How to pay for yr life of adventure? Love will find a way. It doesn’t matter so much if one agrees with the ideals of Tahrir Square or Zucotti Park—the point is just to be there.

3. Revenge. I call it Zarathustra’s Revenge because as Nietzsche said, revenge may be second rate but it’s not nothing. One might enjoy the satisfaction of terrifying the bastards for at least a few moments. Formerly I advocated “Poetic Terrorism” rather than actual violence, the idea being that art could be wielded as a weapon. Now I’ve rather come to doubt it. But perhaps weapons might be wielded as art. From the sledgehammer of the Luddites to the black bomb of the attentat, destruction could serve as a form of creativity, for its own sake, or for purely aesthetic reasons, without any illusions about revolution. Oscar Wilde meets the acte gratuit: a dandyism of despair.

What troubles me about this idea is that it seems impossible to distinguish here between the action of post-leftist anarcho-nihilists and the action of post-rightist neo-traditionalist reactionaries. For that matter, a bomb may as well be detonated by fundamentalist fanatics—what difference would it make to the victims or the “innocent bystanders”? Blowing up a nanotechnology lab—why shouldn’t this be the act of a desperate monarchist as easily as that of a Nietzschean anarchist?

In a recent book by Tiqqun (Theory of Bloom), it was fascinating to come suddenly across the constellation of Nietzsche, Rene Guenon, Julius Evola, et al. as examples of a sharp and just critique of the Bloom syndrome—i.e., of progress-as-illusion. Of course the “beyond left and right” position has two sides—one approaching from the left, the other from the right. The European New Right (Alain de Benoist & his gang) are big admirers of Guy Debord, for a similar reason (his critique, not his proposals).

The post-left can now appreciate Traditionalism as a reaction against modernity just as the neo-traditionalists can appreciate Situationism. But this doesn’t mean that post-anarchist anarchists are identical with post-fascism fascists!

I’m reminded of the situation in fin-de-siecle France that gave rise to the strange alliance between anarchists and monarchists; for example the Cerce Proudhon. This surreal conjunction came about for two reasons: a) both factions hated liberal democracy, and b) the monarchists had money. The marriage gave birth to weird progeny, such as Georges Sorel. And Mussolini famously began his career as an Individualist anarchist!

Another link between left & right could be analyzed as a kind of existentialism; once again Nietzsche is the founding parent here, I think. On the left there were thinkers like Gide or Camus. On the right, that illuminated villain Baron Julius Evola used to tell his little ultra-right groupuscules in Rome to attack the Modern World—even though the restoraton of tradition was a hopeless dream—if only as an act of magical self-creation. Being trumps essence. One must cherish no attachment to mere results. Surely Tiqqun’s advocacy of the “perfect Surrealist act” (firing a revolver at random into a crowd of “innocent by-standers”) partakes of this form of action-as-despair. (Incidentally I have to confess that this is the sort of thing that has always—to my regret—prevented my embracing Surrealism: it’s just too cruel. I don’t admire de Sade, either.)

Of course, as we know, the problem with the Traditionalists is that they were never traditional enough. They looked back at a lost civilization as their “goal” (religion, mysticism, monarchism, arts-&-crafts, etc.) whereas they should have realized that the real tradition is the “primordial anarchy” of the Stone Age, tribalism, hunting/gathering, animism—what I call the Neanderthal Liberation Front. Paul Goodman used the term “Neolithic Conservatism” to describe his brand of anarchism—but “Paleolithic Reaction” might be more appropriate!

The other major problem with the Traditionalist Right is that the entire emotional tone of the movement is rooted in self-repression. Here a rough Reichean analysis suffices to demonstrate that the authoritarian body reflects a damaged soul, and that only anarchy is compatible with real self-realization.

The European New Right that arose in the 90s still carries on its propaganda—and these chaps are not just vulgar nationalist chauvenist anti-semitic homophobic thugs—they’re intellectuals & artists. I think they’re evil, but that doesn’t mean I find them boring. Or even wrong on certain points. They also hate the nanotechnologists!

Although I attempted to set off a few bombs back in the 1960s (against the war in Vietnam) I’m glad, on the whole, that they failed to detonate (technology was never my metier). It saves me from wondering if I would’ve experienced “moral qualms”. Instead I chose the path of the propagandist and remained an activist in anarchist media from 1984 to about 2004. I collaborated with the Autonomedia publishing collective, the IWW, the John Henry Mackay Society (Left Stirnerites) and the old NYC Libertarian Book Club (founded by comrades of Emma Goldman, some of whom I knew, & who are now all dead). I had a radio show on WBAI (Pacifica) for 18 years. I lectured all over Europe and East Europe in the 90s. I had a very nice time, thank you. But anarchism seems even farther off now than it looked in 1984, or indeed in 1958, when I first became an anarchist by reading George Harriman’s Krazy Kat. Well, being an existentialist means you never have to say you’re sorry.

In the last few years in anarchist circles there’s appeared a trend “back” to Stirner/Nietzsche Individualism—because after all, who can take revolutionary anarcho-communism or syndicalism seriously anymore? Since I’ve adhered to this Individualist position for decades (although tempered by admiration for Charles Fourier and certain “spiritual anarchists” like Gustave Landauer) I naturally find this trend agreeable.

“Green anarchists” & AntiCivilization Neo-primitivists seem (some of them) to be moving toward a new pole of attraction, nihilism. Perhaps neo-nihilism would serve as a better label, since this tendency is not simply replicating the nihilism of the Russian narodniks or the French attentatists of circa 1890 to 1912, however much the new nihilists look to the old ones as precursors. I share their critique—in fact I think I’ve been mirroring it to a large extent in this essay: creative despair, let’s call it. What I do not understand however is their proposal—if any. “What is to be done?” was originally a nihilist slogan, after all, before Lenin appropriated it. I presume that my option #1, passive escape, would not suit the agenda. As for Active Escapism, to use the suffix “ism” implies some form not only of ideology but also some action. What is the logical outcome of this train of thought?

As an animist I experience the world (outside Civilization) as essentially sentient. The death of God means the rebirth of the gods, as Nietzsche implied in his last “mad” letters from Turin— the resurrection of the great god PAN—chaos, Eros, Gaia, & Old Night, as Hesiod put it—Ontological anarchy, Desire, Life itself, & the Darkness of revolt & negation—all seem to me as real as they need to be.

I still adhere to a certain kind of spiritual anarchism—but only as heresy and paganism, not as orthodoxy and monotheism. I have great respect for Dorothy Day—her writing influenced me in the 60s—and Ivan Illich, whom I knew personally—but in the end I cannot deal with the cognitive dissonance between anarchism and the Pope! Nevertheless I can believe in the re-paganaziation of monotheism. I hold to this pagan tradition because I sense the universe as alive, not as “dead matter.” As a life-long psychedelicist I have always thought that matter & spirit are identical, and that this fact alone legitimizes what Theory calls “desire”.

From this p.o.v. the phrase “revolution of everyday life” still seems to have some validity—if only in terms of the second proposal, Active Escapism or the TAZ. As for the third possibility— Zarathustra’s Revenge—this seems like a possible path for the new nihilism, at least from a philosophical perspective. But since I am unable personally to advocate it, I leave the question open.

But here—I think—is the point at which I both meet with & diverge from the new nihilism. I too seem to believe that Predatory Capitalism has won and that no revolution is possible in the classical sense of that term. But somehow I can’t bring myself to be “against everything.” Within the Temporary Autonomous Zone there still seems to persist the possibility of “authentic life,” if only for a moment—and if this position amounts to mere Escapism, then let us become Houdini. The new surge of interest in Individualism is obviously a response to the Death of the Social. But does the new nihilism imply the death even of the individual and the “union of egoists” or Nietzschean free spirits? On my good days, I like to think not.

No matter which of the three paths one takes (or others I can’t yet imagine) it seems to me that the essential thing is not to collapse into mere apathy. Depression we may have to accept, impotent rage we may have to accept, revolutionary pessimism we may have to accept. But as e.e. cummings (anarchist poet) said, there is some shit we will not take, lest we simply become the enemy by default. Can’t go on, must go on. Cultivate rosebuds, even selfish pleasures, as long as a few birds & flowers still remain. Even love may not be impossible...

#hakim bey #Nihilism #t.a.z.#anarchism

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whereisten · 5 years ago

Text

Cat and Mouse

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | more coming soon

Summary: You’re the daughter of an extremely well-known pastor. You’ve lived a quiet and sheltered life, that is until you meet and fall in lust with a gang leader they call the Grim Reaper.

Pairing: Gang Leader And Yandere!Taeyong X female reader (college student)

Genre: angst, SMUT, violence, if you squint there may be some fluff

Warnings: graphic and violent scenes described, mentions of religious practices (this in no way is meant to offend followers of Christianity), blood and death mention, gun and knife mention, profanity, toxic relationship, little alcohol use, drug addiction themes, stalking, manipulation, corruption kink, innocence kink, female masturbation, pet names, recording of sexual act, porn mention, oral sex (male and female), public sex, unprotected sex.

Word Count: 15.8K

(A/n: warning: Yandere Taeyong is extremely manipulative, he guilt trips and gaslights OC multiple times to get what he wants. This in no way represents the cute and kind Taeyong we really know. This gang leader is actually terrible lmao. TO the anon that requested this, THANK YOU for being so patient!! not my best,but I hope you like it!)

————————

It was just another Thursday night at home. Your parents left earlier that evening to go on a cruise to the Bahamas to celebrate their anniversary so you had the entire house to yourself.

Your father was a famous and wealthy pastor with money to afford an incredible mansion and luxury cars. Most people didn’t understand how someone that preached about humility and giving back to the less fortunate could live in a twenty bedroom house with a twelve car garage.

There was a certain irony behind it that pissed people off.

Taeyong was one of them. Taeyong and his gang had been watching the pastor, plotting for a robbery. He hated everything about religion and the fact that a man, such as your father, was capitalizing off of the hearts of devoted Christians irritated him. He wanted to take everything away from the pastor that lived in his community because he felt like he was the real criminal. Furthermore, your father never told you or your mother, but some of his wealth did come from his involvement in gangs and the drug trading that occurred in the community. He would use the churchgoers money to purchase large amounts of cocaine from other countries, then sell it on the black market at triple times the street rate. This was sold to business men that had money to spend and just needed their fix, regardless of the cost. The means at which they got their drugs was safer than getting it off the streets anyway. Your father funded the dark web website that almost functioned like the Amazon for drug trades, order today, get it tomorrow with “prime” shipping. Taeyong didn’t like that someone with a good reputation like your father had controlled such a large business. But he also didn’t like that his men were the ones that organized the deals on the website with little reward. They put their lives on the line to get it to these men, avoiding the police at all costs, but your father was behind on paying his workers by five months. Taeyong threatened him several times, but the pastor blocked his phone number and email. What he didn’t know was that Taeyong has access to all of his emails and text messages anyway, so he knew that your father would be gone on a twelve day cruise to the Bahamas. Taeyong took this as the perfect opportunity to drop by his house and well, “borrow” a few things. He knew that the pastor had a daughter, but what he didn’t know was that you’d be home from college for summer break. So there you are, flipping through channels, trying to find something to watch when you stumble across the late-night adult channels. Your thumb hovered over the “up” button as you watched a woman have sex with a man on a fluffy bed. Your eyes widened at how graphic it was. The blonde lady’s was making strange faces while the man held her legs and pushed into her.

You were a sheltered child, you didn’t even have your first kiss, so this was strange to you.

You had been taught the typical Christian rules of not having sex until marriage, but you wondered what it was like. You bit your lips and felt a certain warmth in between your legs that you couldn’t explain as you watched the TV.

You went to a Christian college, but many of the girls there had already lost their virginity and would talk about how they had sex with their boyfriends and touched themselves.

You didn’t even know what the girls at school meant when they talked about vibrators driving them crazy since their boyfriend couldn’t get them off. How could someone use a device to have sex when they were supposed to be in love with whoever touches that area? You’d think to yourself. But you were getting older and curiosity was killing you. You wanted to know about it, you wanted to rebel and feel what most of your friends felt all the time. If everyone can do it and still go to Heaven, why couldn’t you? The scene ended and the next thing you saw was a naked brunette laying on the bed, her back against a tall man. He rubbed his hands along her private area and then dipped two fingers into her. Your jaw dropped and your head turned, this had all looked strange and weird. You were so focused on the TV in your living room that you didn’t hear the front door open, nor the shuffling of several people in the large house.

You had forgotten to activate the security system for the night, so the cameras weren’t on and neither were the alarms. You were so used to being home alone that you never thought there’d be someone in it with you

You didn’t hear or feel a presence behind the couch. Taeyong stopped in the living room while his gang searched through the house for jewelry and a safe. He watched you and your facial expressions as you watched porn for the first time. He knew that you had no experience at all from the look on your face. You licked your lips and told yourself that it was time. You put your hand in your Rilakkuma pajamas and pressed your finger tips on your folds, you tried to mimic the way in which his fingers dipped in, but it was difficult. There was a weird wall that stopped you and a sharp pain that shot through you when you pushed too hard. You whimpered and opened your legs a little more on the couch, shifting in your seat to get comfortable. There had to be a way, you thought to yourself. Taeyong looked watching you. You were so innocent and cute. He liked the idea that a pastors daughter was trying to pleasure herself on the family couch. He smirked to himself at first, but was turned on by the sight of your widening legs and your moving hand. You had finally found the right spot and started to circle your fingers while pushing them inside you. You closed your eyes and furrowed your brows while you started to breathe harder. The feeling of your insides growing wet was weird, but good. Taeyong watches your mouth open and your head fall back on the couch, your soft, high pitched moans sounded like music to his ears. He had completely forgotten about why he was there. His brain became foggy and he licked his lips which were covered by the skull masks they always wore during robberies. You were unlike any girl he’d seen before, you were soft, pure and beautiful. You wiped the sweat forming on your forehead as you got closer with your other hand.

He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall behind the couch, still drinking in the wet sounds you made with your fingers and the loud groans you made. It was then that he felt his heart grow an attachment to you. He knew that he wanted to ruin you, pollute you, show you all the things that a sheltered Christian girl never knew about. The fact that you were the daughter of the pastor he despises was the icing on the cake.

He was breathing heavily as he watched you get off on your fingers.

He had a habit of becoming obsessed with things until he got them and eventually grew tired of them, and he knew that you’d become one of these things. He wouldn’t stop until you were his. His phone buzzed, interrupting his thoughts. It was a text from Haechan. Haechan: found the safe in the bedroom on the third floor, need a code. Taeyong smirked to himself. His boys always found things fast. Out of all the bedrooms in this extravagant house and they found the one with the safe in it. Brilliant. But now they needed a code.

Taeyong hadn’t found anything about a code in his emails or text messages. He thought of all the possibilities and closed his eyes. What was the code? Your moans still flooded his brain as he tried to focus and think hard so they could get out of there.

“Oh my God!” You cried out and his eyes flickered open.

You. It was you. He walked around the couch and stood in front of you while your eyes were still closed. You felt a presence in front of you and your eyes opened. You took your hand out of your pants quickly and screamed. A man with dark red hair and a terrifying skull mask stood over you and tilted his head.

He wore a black long sleeve shirt with a harness around it and black cargo pants tucked into black boots. You breathed heavily and held your head while closing your legs and pushing your body up on the couch. “Take whatever you want! I won’t tell anyone!” The man only stared at you and watched your eyes tear up. “Please, I don’t know why you’re hear but if it’s for money, I don’t have any and I don’t know where my dad keeps it. Please just let me live!” You begged. The man finally took his mask off and held it in his hand. He was unbelievably handsome. He had an eyebrow slit and a hoop in the center of his bottom lip along with several piercings in his ears. You could see the end of a long tattoo on his neck that led up to a jawline that he could certainly cut you with. His eyes were dark and striking. He was overall perfection. You felt the heat in your cheeks rise when he smiled down at you. “I’m sorry for interrupting, sweetheart, but I need something from you.” The man’s voice was deep and shook your body. You shook your head. Why would he let you see his face? Surely, he was gonna kill you after you gave him what he wanted. “I-I don’t have anything!” He stepped closer to you and held out his hand. “Stand up and give me your hand.” You did as he demanded and gave him the dry hand. He shook his head. “The other one. The one you touched yourself with.” You furrowed your brows. “N-no, I wasn’t touching myself!” You panicked and turned to the TV. “I was just..flipping through and-and I just stopped on this channel but I was gonna change it before your stopped me!” Taeyong only smiled wider and took your hand that you tried to hide. He held it up and looked at it before looking back to you. You tried to pull it away but he was stronger. He took your index and middle finger and put it in his mouth while looking into your eyes. You found it hard to look away, your mouth dropped as you felt his tongue lick in between and around your fingers. He took your fingers out and rubbed the tips along his lips while closing his eyes. “Mmmm..you’re just as sweet as I imagined.” You pulled your hand away and looked at the strange man. “W-What the hell is wrong with you?” Taeyong only smiled. He was about to say something when a voice called out from the hallway. “Taeyong! I don’t have any leads on the safe code!” There was another man with him. Taeyong looked to the hallway and was distracted for a split second, so you pushed him away from you and ran towards the other end of the house. Taeyong was caught off guard, but chuckled lightly while you ran. Johnny walked up beside Taeyong. “Who the fuck is that? And where’s your mask?” “The bastard’s daughter. She wants to play a game of cat and mouse.” Taeyong smirked. “Do you want us to kill her?” Johnny asked. “No, she’s mine. Bring her to me unharmed.” The rest of his men ran after you after Taeyong said that. You tried to find somewhere to hide, the front door was too far away and the patio was on the other side.. You cursed this house for being so big for no reason. You ran up the stairs and heard multiple footsteps follow you. You breathed heavily, dashing into a bedroom and locking the door. You stepped away from the door and looked around for an exit. You couldn’t jump out the window, you’d break your legs. Hiding in the closet wouldn’t help. You heard the door handle being fiddled with. They found you. “Open the door! We’re not gonna hurt you!” A voice yelled out. You panted and looked around. You looked above you and saw the vent. You glanced back at the door when you heard the man trying to break it down by slamming his body into it. You quickly lifted yourself up on the dresser below the vent and jumped up. You had to tip toe to pull the door of the vent open, but once you did, you raised your arms above your head and tried to pull yourself up into it. Thank God for the upper body strength you had. You were halfway inside when the door finally broke down and the men entered. “Hey!” The man ran up to you and grabbed your dangling legs. “No!” You cried out and tried to pull yourself away, but the man was too strong. You fell down through the hole and into the man’s arms. He also wore a skull mask, but was much larger than the man in your living room. You looked around and saw three other men surrounding you. Two of which had a bats in their hands. You couldn’t escape. “Don’t kill me please!” You cried out again. The tall man threw you on to the bed. “I would’ve killed you a long time ago if I wanted to, sweetie. But the grim reaper wants you alive.” “The who?” You scurried and held yourself up with your elbows behind you. “What do you want?” You cried out. Then you saw the red haired man calmly walk through the crowd of men in front of you. It was him, he was the grim reaper. You could tell because of the way he commanded the room as he walked in calmly and quiet;y, but still looked deadly.

His feline-like eyes narrowed in on you, making you feel small. “Oh little mouse, where you going?” He sat at the edge of the bed. “Don’t be scared.” He tried to calm you down. “I’ll make you a deal..” he started while wiping away a tear that ran down your cheek. “If you tell me the code..I’ll let you live and I won’t tell anyone, not even your father, what sin you committed tonight.” You cried and sniffled. “I..promise..I don’t know it.” Taeyong smiled wickedly. “I know you don’t know it..but what’s your birthday?” You were hesitant to share that information because if that was the code, your family would lose everything in that safety these strange men, but you couldn’t let your parents know that you touched yourself and committed such a tragic crime in a Christian household, they’d be so disappointed. You swallowed hard. “April fifteenth.” Two of the men ran out of the room while Taeyong smiled. “Thank you.”

He turned to the other men. “Leave us.” Once they left, he turned back to you. You jumped when he touched your leg. He took out a switch blade and you saw the twinkling reflection of a sharp knife. He ran it along your neck while you breathed heavily.

You shivered at the feeling of the cold blade on your skin. “What were you really doing little mouse, don’t lie to me and you might just live.” You exhaled and closed your teary eyes.

“Yes, I was watching porn..I-I’ve never had sex, I haven’t even touched myself before tonight..I feel like a loser and I wanted to know what it’s like. Please don’t kill me.” You were surprised to hear so much come out of your mouth to a complete stranger. But he made you nervous. “I see.” he glanced down to your lips. “Well, it would be a shame to kill you before you can experience this.” Taeyong almost pities you, the innocent and sheltered girl, while he drags the knife down your sweaty arm. “I’ll let you know my secret..my name’s Taeyong and those are my men. Your father pissed us off so we’re coming to take what’s ours.” He looked into your eyes before continuing.

“When they ask you what happened, tell them that you don’t know, you were out for ice cream and when you returned home, you saw that someone had broken in.” His low voice made your eyes widen. “I’ll let you live, and for tonight, we’ll take the money and jewelry. But I’ll be back for you, little mouse.”

You opened your mouth to ask what he meant but he put a finger on your lips. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill your mother first, sweetheart. Nod like a good girl if you understand.” You nodded quickly and watched as the strange man took his finger away and left the room. You laid there, terrified and shaking. You listened to the men yelling and laughing as the destroyed the house. You heard glass break and paintings being destroyed while you cried. You got up slowly when you heard the shuffling stop and walked downstairs. The place was a mess, they not only ravaged through your place, but broke everything. Your father never made anyone upset. He made everyone happy and at peace with his sermons. How could he upset these men? What did he do? You pulled out your phone and called him. “Hello? Dad?” You sniffled. “I-I just came home..and there’s been a robbery.” You felt bad for lying to your parents but you had to, who knows what Taeyong would do if he found out you told the truth. Part of you was terrified by him, but another part was interested for some reason.

Was it the way he looked at you through lustful eyes and the power he commanded over the room? Or the fact that he lived a completely different lifestyle from you and was the typical “bad boy?” ————— A few weeks later and things return to normal. Your dad didn’t lose too much, and you found it weird that he wasn’t more upset than he was. But he claimed that he was just glad that you weren’t home when the savages came. The robbery made headlines and thousands of church guests donated to the rebuilding of your house and life. In public, your parents cried and thanked everyone endlessly, but in private they were all giggles. Something didn’t feel right, and the whole thing made you look at them differently. “Can you believe that we ended up with more than we lost?” Your dad laughed one evening when the three of you had dinner. “Yeah, the community really is amazing when they work together to help people.” You mom took a bite of her caviar. “Shouldn’t we give it back then?” You interrupted. Your dad wiped his mouth. “Now, why would we do that? This is a gift from God, we must embrace it and yes, we will use our voices and our power as role models in the community to help others, but we need not put the money we’ve been given back out there. This is all for a greater cause, y/n.” You nodded and looked back at your salad. ————— The weeks following the robbery felt weird. You always felt like someone was watching you. Taeyong’s dark gaze was both alluring and terrifying and the fact that he had watched you touch yourself only made you more paranoid. You were embarrassed, yes, but he made you feel..sexy about it. It was a strange feeling and you didn’t understand why part of you liked it. Taeyong was watching you. He would watch you as you went to dinner with your parents or shopped in Target. He was always there. He couldn’t let you go, and he knew he needed more. Your purity and soft expressions contradicted everything about himself, that’s why he liked you. And to see you being curious about sexual feelings sent him overboard. You had everything he didn’t have, in terms of wealth and status, but he also had experiences you’d never dreamt of. He knew ways in which to shatter your perfect world and innocent nature. He’d sit on his motorcycle and watch you skip around in your cute plaid skirts, frilly knee highs and button up blouses and all he could think about was how badly he wanted to ruin you. You are simply being yourself and living a life free of worries and sin, and he wanted to change that. One day when you went to tennis practice, he decided to watch you play. He wanted to hurt the tennis coach when she hit you with a high speed tennis ball on your thigh. You cried out and dropped to the floor, but the coach only scolded you for being too slow.

It took everything in him to not pull his gun out. Nonetheless, you got up and tried harder.

He felt the heat in his chest rise as he watched your glistening and sweaty skin peak out from under your white tennis skirt and on the tops of your breasts in your sports bra.

You were breathing heavily, your mouth was swollen from you biting your lips while you played intensely, your eyes dark and low, and you drank so much water, some droplets escaped and dripped down your chin and neck. His impure thoughts drove him wild and he knew he had to talk to you again. And so, when you walked home after he practice, he cornered you. You smiled and thanked the barista at Starbucks for your drink before turning to head out the door.

The tennis court was only a few blocks away from your house so you decided to walk home while drinking an iced caramel macchiato, probably not the best choice for post-workout session, but it made you happy. You sucked your straw while looking at your phone, but when you left the Starbucks you heard a voice call out to you. “Do you think Serena drinks caramel macchiatos after practice?” The low voice said. You slowly turned to see who it was. Your eyes widened. It’s him, the red haired man that broke into your house now leaned against the wall and eyed you up and down. You suddenly felt naked in your tight tennis uniform. You nearly dropped your drink as you stepped back slowly. “W-What are you doing here?” “What? A gang leader can’t enjoy a drink from Starbucks?” He took a long sip of his iced coffee while watching you intensely. “Were you watching me?” “I told you I’d be back, little mouse.” He walked closer to you.

“Take a ride with me.” He tilted his head to a motorcycle that stood beside the sidewalk.

You looked at it, then back at him. He wore a red high collar shirt and black jeans ripped at the knees. A pair of round sunglasses on his face made him look cool and relaxed. It was incredibly hot outside but he still wore dark clothing and black boots. The worst part was that you felt an aching in your chest at the sight of his toned arms, tattoos and piercings. “I-I have to go home.” Taeyong raised his slit eyebrow and threw his empty cup away.

He smirked. “It wasn’t a question. Get on.” What could you do? The man surely would’ve killed you if you ran away. So you let him help you get on his motorcycle. Nervous but eager to see where he was taking you. You got on and held onto his small waist.

To your surprise, Taeyong took you to the summer fair. “The fair? Really?” You looked up at the big sign above you as you two walked in. Taeyong didn’t pay, he only brushed past the guards and ticketing workers as he nodded at them. “What are we doing here? And how did you get us in for free?” You asked all the important questions but Taeyong only smirked and chuckled. “So many questions..” He took your hand in his and took you to the first rollercoaster he saw. “I’ve been meaning to visit this place, but never had someone to go with.” Taeyong watched your face as you looked on the intimidating rollercoaster. He saw your worried eyes and slightly parted lips, the way your hands gripped the metal barricade in front of you as you waited to be called on. “Are you nervous?” He asked, his tone a bit softer. You turned to him and looked into his concerned eyes. “Why do you care? It’s not like I can back out without you killing me.” Taeyong’s smile dropped and he put a hand on your shoulder.

“Oh, little mouse, you don’t need to be worried about that, I’d never kill you..” He stepped closer and your breathing stopped as he looked down on you with those sharp, magnetic eyes.

“But I will make you suffer endlessly...by forcing you to go on a rollercoaster.” His straight face turned into a bright smile as he winked. He was confusing. Scary at some points, but attractive at other times. And his words made no sense, was he messing with you?

And why didn’t you call the police or your parents? What was this control Taeyong had over you? You brain screamed danger but your heart was being pulled in. You wanted to know what a dangerous lifestyle was like for once. You wanted to stop living a “simple” life.

He watched you the entire ride, laughing as you screamed during the long dips and swift turns. You looked at him and hit his side with a small fist.

“Hey! It’s not funny.” You went on the Twister and a few other rides with him, laughing and smiling at each other like a regular couple. He even used his shooting skills to win you a Hello Kitty plush bear.

No one would’ve known that you were brought there against your will, or that the crazy man was a gang leader. He took your hand in his as you walked to the food truck area. “How’s your leg?” “Wait, you saw that?” You held your head with your other hand, too focused on the question to notice the strange way you two walked together holding hands. You looked up at him but he only looked forward, avoiding your gaze. “I like you, little mouse, and we both know you have never had a boyfriend, right?” The question nearly made you stop walking. “N-no.” You whispered, a bit embarrassed that you, a college student, never dated someone. Taeyong smiled to himself. Perfect. Everything was falling in line for him. “Well, little mouse, that’s what people do when they like someone, they’re always there to watch and support their significant other. How would I know that you were hurt and needed some fun if I didn’t stalk you a little?” Something didn’t feel right, but Taeyong’s eyes were softer as he talked to you, he rubbed a hand on your arm and gave you a small smile.

Why did part of you want to trust him? Was it because you knew nothing about love and how people show it? Taeyong was teaching you more than anyone else did about relationships and you appreciated that.

So you brushed off the bad feeling you had and looked down at your thigh. “Well, I do have a bruise, but I’ll be fine. Thank you for taking me here.”

You were surprised that he cared, but you didn’t think it weird that he was there watching you in the first place.

He only smiled and took your hand again. “I’m glad you appreciate my efforts, you can make it up to me later.” He winked. You were in line for a smoked turkey leg, and you wanted to know more about the strange man in front of you that suddenly couldn’t stop smiling.

“Okay but why me?”

Taeyong didn’t shuffle through his wallet for cash like everyone else did. He only clicked his tongue and waited for the chef to nod. He turned back to you. “Because you’re the only girl I have my eyes on..because I feel bad for breaking into your parents’ place.” You scoffed and furrowed your brows. “Oh really? You think this makes up for that?” “Come on, y/n, you and I both know your parents made even more than they lost. So in a way, I kinda helped you guys.” His eyes never let go of you while he bit into the turkey leg and chewed a large chunk of it. You rolled your eyes and couldn’t help but smile. How did things end up this way? Who was this man? “Are you happy you came with me?” He asked with a full mouth. “I had a good time, but I still don’t understand what you want from me.” You looked around nervously. He swallowed hard and handed you the leg. “Have you ever had a smoked turkey leg?” You shook your head. “No.” He scoffed. “Try it.”

You took a bite out of the leg and your eyes widened at the explosion of flavor. It was so good, it tasted cheap, yes, but the Smokey flavor was unlike anything you’d ever had.

“There’s so much..that you haven’t experienced yet..I just want to show you the world you don’t know, will you let me do that?” You nodded without thinking it through. What was the catch? “Yes, my parents have kept me sheltered and protected, and..I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know about most things..that the average person knows about.” You went on a tiny rant, but Taeyong already knew this.

He was captivated by the way you chewed and how your round cheeks filled up with even the tiniest bites of food. Your round eyes dazzled in the sunlight and your lips formed a small pout. He couldn’t hold himself back any longer. “Have you ever kissed anyone?” You looked down and were about to shake your head but Taeyong lifted your chin with his free hand and leaned down to your face. The handsome man placed a long kiss on your lips while your eyes were wide open. This was all so sudden, but you didn’t pull away. You liked it, you had finally been kissed. When he raised his head you looked up at him innocently. “W-What was that?” “I’m sorry, I had to.” He stepped closer to you and gave you a questioning look. “Do you like me, y/n?” You had just gotten to know this man and he was already asking if you liked him. Your sheltered and nervous mind screamed ‘no’ at first, but damn it you wanted to do something different.

You wanted to live like everyone else did. You felt things you never felt before in your short time with Taeyong and you weren’t sure if it was love, but you knew it was different.

Taeyong was probably not the best choice for your first “love,” the man was a killer and leader of a dark life, but you wanted to experience everything he was willing to show you. So, you dove in.

“Yes.” You nodded and looked into his eyes. He smirked. “Then you should kiss me back, but open your mouth this time.” You were hesitant, but Taeyong leaned down to you and kissed you again. This time, you felt his tongue on your lips. You slowly opened your mouth and felt it enter. He held your head in his hands as he turned his own and found your tongue. You lifted it and felt your eyes shut while you enjoyed this new feeling. He guided the kiss, playing with your tongue and licking your lips whenever he pulled away to breathe.

You loved the feeling and put your arm around his neck to pull him back towards you. Your chest rose up and down rapidly while you kissed him and his hands found your waist. He brought you closer to his hot body as you placed a hand on his chest lightly. Taeyong felt light headed when you were close to him like this. The feeling of your soft, round lips finally on his made his heart flutter. You were all his. He couldn’t think of anything but you. When you pulled away from him you looked up to see him biting his lips and blushing. “You did so well. Did you like that?” He held your chin and rubbed it with his thumb. “Yes.” That was all you could say as you thought of how good his lips and tongue felt on yours. Everything felt magical during the sunset. The lights behind his head and the gathering of more people around you. Everything felt warm. Then, reality set in.

“It’s getting dark, I have to go home.” He nodded and took your hand. “Let’s go.” You were walking past the tables by the food trucks as Taeyong held your hand. A man sitting at one of the tables stuck is foot out at the last second, making your trip and fall halfway down before Taeyong caught you and held you up. The men laughed and looked at your skirt, trying to catch a glimpse of your underwear. You both turned to them while you brushed yourself off. “Sorry dear..” the man started. “but I suggest wearing shorts next time.” The man and everyone at his table burst into laughter while you felt the heat in your cheeks rise. Taeyong came up behind you and stepped in front. The man looked up and wiped his teary eyes.

“Oh look, it’s the grim reaper himself. I’m sorry for tripping your angel of a girlfriend.” He rolled his eyes. Taeyong was silently boiling. How dare someone touch you and laugh at you. He tilted his head before placing both hands on the table. “Which hand do you use to play with your dick, you fat piece of shit?” Taeyong’s words made you jump as the man raised an eyebrow. He scoffed, “I use both when I’m fucking your girlfriend.” The man let out but before he could take another breath, Taeyong took a knife out from his waist band and stabbed the man through the center of his hand that rested on the wooden table. You covered your mouth and backed away as the blood spewed out from the man’s hand and he screamed out in pain. People nearby screamed too and ran away. Blood decorated Taeyong’s face while the other guys sitting at the table jumped up and ran.

The man tried to take Taeyong’s hand off of the knife so that he could remove it, but he forced the mans hand away and pulled out another shiny knife, stabbing that hand and pinning the man to the table again.

More blood spewed onto Taeyong’s face as he laughed. But he didn’t stop there. He dragged the first knife through the man’s hand and up his wrist, cutting it in half with the sharp blade.

“Oh God!! NO!! Stop!! HELP!” The man cried out but no one helped him. Everyone was gone and the food truck workers only shook their heads as they watched. “You’re right, I am the grim reaper.” Taeyong leaned in close to the man’s face and looked him in the eyes with a menacing expression.

“And guess what? No one can help you. Not even God.” Taeyong said before slicing through his other arm. The man stood up and bled profusely before passing out and falling onto the dirt. You didn’t notice that you started crying in fear. “T-Taeyong?” How could the man you just kissed moments ago become so violent? Was this who he really was? He turned to with a bloody face and smiled.

“Don’t cry, little mouse, he had it coming.” He walked up to you and tried to hold you with his bloody hands but you stepped back. “Why?” You shook your head as tears fell. “Because I like you! Because he hurt you! Don’t be afraid of me.” He started but you couldn’t stand to be around him, everything felt so wrong. You were hit with the reminder of who he was.

He wasn’t some sweet gentleman here to show you the beauty of the world, he was a bad person that only knew the dark sides of it. You turned and ran away from him, pushing through the crowd to try to get as far as possible. He would’ve followed you but he knew that it was too much for you. If he had just controlled his anger, he could’ve had his boys handle the man, but he didn’t. He was used to the violence, but he had to give you time. ———— A few weeks past and you didn’t text Taeyong even when he asked you out for lunch. You were scared of him, but part of you missed the feeling he gave you when he was nearby, looking at you fondly, watching your every move. You brushed off your thoughts and visions of him and walked into the practice room for your piano lesson. You always went to piano practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but on this visit, your piano teacher wasn’t present in the choir room you used for your lessons. “Hello?” You called out and looked around “It’s just you and me, little mouse.” “What are you doing here?” Your eyes wide when you recognized the mans voice.

“Well, you didn’t text me back, so I had to come see you.” He stood in the corner of the room with his arms crossed, this time he wore a gray long-sleeve that clung to his arms. He looked irritated, like he hadn’t slept for days. “Don’t worry, I’ll forgive you if you play something for me.” He stepped closer, but your gripped the strap of your backpack and baked away. “Forgive me for what? You nearly killed a man! What did you expect me to do?” He laughed. But slammed a hand down on the piano. You jumped at the sound. “I expect you to thank me for standing up for you!”

His voice was loud and husky, his dark eyes looked up at you. You wore a pink short skirt that rested above the middle of your thighs with a thin white button down shirt tucked into it. And of course, those frilly white knee-highs that he loved. “How could you leave me?” He stepped closer to you, making you back into the door of the practice room. You didn’t know what to say, he did defend you even though he scared you. “Don’t you understand that I did that for you? I could’ve been arrested.” Taeyong moved a strand of hair from your face.

You looked up at his lips innocently. You forgot about everything. The only thing you thought about was the feeling of them on you.

You leaned in and kissed him first this time. You missed the feeling and closed your eyes while moaning out lightly.

Taeyong kisses you hard this time, biting your lips before pulling away and kissing your neck. He held your body close to his, focusing on your moans and heavy breathing. But he had to hold himself back, he wasn’t ready to take you yet. He wanted you to beg for him. He took your hand and led you back to the piano. “Sit and play a song for me. Don’t mess it up.” He demanded as you sat down and flipped the pages to the song you had practiced with your teacher.

You gulped, worried for what might happen in you made a mistake.

He sat beside you and you started to play Piano Sonata No.24 by Beethoven. Despite your hands being shaky, you put your fingers on the keys and played. You started off well but jumped a bit when Taeyong breathy voice entered your ears. He whispered “I remember when I first saw you, you were touching yourself, isn’t that right, little mouse?”

You nodded, and stared straight ahead at the sheet music, finding it difficult to focus on the piece.

“Do you really want to know what it’s like?” He continued. You nodded and your breath hitches in your throat as his large, cold and bruised hands run up your thigh. The touch of his hand on your thighs makes you feel a heat between your legs, much like what you felt that night.

He stops his hand and runs his gun along the inner skin on your thigh instead, running it all the way up to your private area. You gasp at the feeling of a weapon being so close to your core, but Taeyong whispers again and drags the pistol back down to your knee. “Keep playing.” You continued, but missed a beat and picked your hands up off the piano. He inches the gun up your thigh but you continue with the song. A few bars later and you mess up again. He pulls the gun up further. You can’t stop skipping notes and playing incorrect rhythms until the gun finally touched your aching core. You pull your hands away and look at Taeyong who is focused on the device between your legs. “I’m sorry, please don’t kill me.” You beg. “Oh sweet girl, I already told you I’m not gonna kill you. You can leave whenever you want to, unless..you don’t want me to stop?” He whispers and continues to rub the gun against your folds.

You grip the piano tightly and shake your head. Everything felt wrong, how could an inanimate object make you feel this way?

“It’s okay, relax.” Taeyong’s deep voice and closeness calmed you down, and you felt the need to embrace this new feeling. You needed to know what others talked about when they talked about sex. “Close your eyes. Focus on the feeling.” He whispered into your neck. His hot breath pushed you along further.

You do as he says and breathe heavily, gasping at the strange, but good feeling you start to have. The cold metal pressing against you through your underwear makes you wet. “Does it feel good? Do you like the feeling of my gun on you, little mouse?” You sigh and nod, biting your lips and grunting as you start to rock your hips. “Why does it feels so good?” “This is what it’s like...I’m gonna make you cum for the first time, sweetheart.” His deep voice echoes in your head. He watches your lips part and your mouth fall open and feels the restraint in his pants. You moan a few more times as he kisses your neck and you move your wet opening against his gun on your own. He listens to your moans get louder, but before you can cum, he removes the gun and stands up from the stool, taking a few steps back and looking down on you as you still sat and breathed heavily, your forehead sweaty and your lips open. “Now, follow my orders, be a good girl.” You nodded, saddened by the withdrawal of his gun for some reason. “Put your hand on your pussy.” He smirked. You shakily lowered your hand. “How does it feel?” “It’s wet..and warm.” You breathily answered. He smiled. “Good, now turn to me and put one leg on each side so that your legs are open, and put your hands out in front.” You moved as he said and jumped slightly at the feeling of the cold leather in between your legs. He put his gun away and took out a switch blade, running it against your thighs, the sharp knife made you chilly. “Lift your skirt and lean back a little, sweetheart.” You moved again as he looked into your eyes while running the blade across the delicate skin of your inner thigh. You bunched your skirt up around your waist as he licked his lips and moved closer. You watched and breathed heavily, unsure of what he’d do next. “My gun made you so wet already, little mouse.” His mouth turned upward into a smirk as he looked at your soaking panties. He used the knife to cut the waist band of your panties and dragged the fabric from under you, making it so that your bare flower was against the smooth leather. “Now, slide forward and backward.” You leaned forward and started to rock your hips back and forth again, but Taeyong wasn’t pleased that you were barely touching the seat. He placed two hands on your shoulders and pressed you down. “Keep moving, yes, just like that little mouse.” He stepped back again.

Your eyes closed as you focused on the feeling and the strange building of liquid under you. You placed your hands in front of you and leaned forward so that your clit rubbed against the chair.

Something was building up in your stomach, you weren’t sure what it was. The aching in your clit made you cry out quietly in the studio. You looked up to see Taeyong recording you with his phone from two feet away. “Unbutton your bra.” “Like this?” You looked up at Taeyong innocently while unbuttoning the top three buttons and still moving back and forth. He nearly lost it when he saw your large eyes through the phone screen. “Yes, sweetheart, and take your boobs out of your bra.” You still held your body as it moved back and forth with one hand in front, but took your boobs out of your bra just like he told you to. “Ah! Cold..” you hissed at the cold air that hugged your breasts once you picked them out. “My nipples..they’re so firm and hard, is that supposed to happen?” Your high pitched and confused voice made Taeyong chuckle. He bit his lips as he watched your boobs jump up and down while you fucked yourself on the stool. “Yes, little mouse, that’s a good thing. Now, move faster.” You swallowed hard and picked up the pace while still holding your breasts. The sounds of your wet entrance against the leather covering filled the air.

You felt weird and raw. You bit your lips to hold back the sounds that wanted to escape your chest. The plush surface of the stool against your folds drove you crazy. How could something so simple make your chest so weak? “Open your mouth, let it out, the louder you are the better you will feel.” Taeyong demanded while still recording you. Your mouth fell open and you were happy to see Taeyong’s approval. Your whines grew louder as your pace increased automatically. “Do you like fucking yourself on the stool?”

You bit your lips and nodded, the strange heat building made your head spin. “Look at the camera and say it, tell me what you’re doing with your sweet pussy.” You opened your eyes and looked the phone. “I’m f-fucking myself with the leather s-seat of a stool.” The words barely left your mouth before the high pitched moans escaped.

“Oh—oh my God.” You whimpered You let go of your boobs and used your both hands in front of you move faster and further down onto the stool.

Taeyong’s pants felt extremely restrictive as he grew. The sight of you slowly losing your innocence made him weak. Your skin was glistening with sweat, your chest moved fast and your full lips stayed open while you cried out the sweetest sounds he’s ever heard. “Good girl, are you going to cum?” He huskily let out. “I-I dont know..everything feels weird. But it feels good..” You whined and moaned loudly. “What feels good?” Taeyong’s calm voice let out. “My pussy..it’s feels so good, Taeyong.” You shut your eyes tightly and moved a few more times before you felt the sudden tremble of your core under you. Your boobs jumped and your legs fell weak as you came. Your eyes rolled in the back of your head as your jaw tensed. Taeyong loved every second of it and was glad to get it on camera. Your mouth still open as you moved slowly and came down, he thought of how your lips would look around his dick. But this was enough for today. “Good girl, you came.” Taeyong got up and rubbed your cheek. “Get up.” He helped you up off the stool. “Look at that, little mouse, look at how wet you are.” You looked down and saw the leather completely covered in the liquids that escaped you. “Why is it like that?” Taeyong laughed. “It’s good...” He took your hand as he stood behind you and brought it down to your core. “Do you feel that?” His fingers over yours as he pushed them in between your folds. “Yes” You nodded, still shaken up by your orgasm. Taeyong’s hot breath on your neck made you weaker. “A wet pussy is a good pussy” Taeyong let go and you were saddened by the withdrawal. “Now, little mouse..before our next lesson, I want you to suck a few lollipops.” He looked at your lips. “When’s our next lesson?” You asked, eager to see him again for some reason. You had completely forgotten about why you were upset with him, what he had done.

He was helping you get over your sexual awkwardness and you liked that, even if it was coming from a gang leader. That was all you cared about. He made you feel good and now you wanted more. “A little impatient aren’t we? Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll find you.” He winked and left you alone in the now quiet studio. ———— Taeyong goes about his daily life of crime, but still can’t get his mind off of you He’d have sex with other girls he’d meet at the nightclub his gang controlled but nothing compared to the sight of you. He’d try to get off on the girls as they danced for him but nothing worked, he couldn’t get hard and cum if he didn’t think about your body and the way you moved it on the leather chair.

He pictured your lips and heard the echoing sounds of your high pitched whimpers and moans. When he was alone, he’d get high and watch the video of you on his phone. He’d touch himself as he watched and feel completely blissful as he came while higher than the clouds. But he knew he needed more, he needed another fix. It had been two weeks but he couldn’t shake the thought of you out of his head. When he robbed people, he thought of you. When he killed people, he thought of your innocent eyes. He had to see you. Taeyong goes to watch you play tennis again but you still didn’t know. He liked the way you sweat and move.

So he decides that it’s time for your second lesson.

He waits for you at home, creeping into your bedroom through your window. He saw your parents cars in the driveway so he knew they were home. While waiting in your bedroom, he syncs his phone with your TV so he can play the video he took of you when you get out the shower. He starts to play the video, his head falling back against the headboard while he watches your innocent expressions on the screen. That’s when you came out of the bathroom attached to your room. You clutch your towel around you tightly and jumped in surprise when you saw the man on your bed. “H-how did you get in here?” Taeyong smiled. “Nice to see you too.” You heard panting and light moaning and turned to the TV.

Your eyes widened, it was you in your white blouse moving up and down the leather seat in the practice room. You had completely forgotten that Taeyong had taken and kept the video on his phone. “This isn’t good, you should delete that.” You turned back to him and pointed at the screen. “Oh, little mouse, I kept it so you can remember how good you felt.” You looked back at the screen and your jaw dropped at how you looked like a porn star. “Don’t be embarrassed, sweetheart, come here.” Taeyong patted your bed. You turned to him and walked slowly, still holding your towel around you. “Do you trust me?” He asked as he looked up at your exposed collar bones and the water droplets that dropped from your wet hair. You pouted and looked away. “I don’t know.” “Do you want to feel good again? Look at me.” He touched your hand as you looked back at the gorgeous man. “..yes.” He smiled slowly. “Come here. Get on the bed.” You still held your towel and climbed on the bed, kneeling over his lap as he massaged your thighs. Your moans on the TV echoed in the back of your head. “Listen...you sound beautiful.” Taeyong’s voice was dark and low. He rubbed his hands along the soft skin of your hips, lifting up the towel. He pressed his thumbs on the skin and bit his lips. “I want you to ride my face, little mouse.” You gasped. “You what?” “Ride my face, move just like you did on the seat.” Taeyong worked his hands to your waist. “I’m gonna make you feel good.” You nodded, he pushed himself further down your bed so that his face replaced his lap. You still held the towel as you hovered over him, hesitant to show him your naked body.

“Let me see all of you, please.” His hot breath fanned your sensitive skin, making you tremble in his hands. You nodded and dropped your towel. “Good girl, now lower yourself onto me.” He made you so weak with his husky voice. His hands gently pushed you down towards him and you started to move when you felt his plush lips against your folds. He sticks his tongue in between them, giving you one long stripe as you start to move back and forth. Your breath stays in your chest and you hold onto the headboard for support as your weak and incredibly sensitive to the feeling of his hot tongue on you. Taeyong marvels at the sight do your body above him, the roundness of your breasts, the way your nipples stuck out from the pillowy soft skin, and the beauty of your untouched pussy on his mouth. He lays his tongue flat while you move, kissing your clit every now and then to send shockwaves through your body. He likes to see how jumpy you are at the new feeling.

But he pulls you down towards him whenever you push up away from him, forcing your legs further apart so you had to lower yourself. “Taeyong—“ You breathily call out his name and let your head fall back, while still rocking your hips back and forth. Taeyong hums and dips his tongue inside to give you more. His tongue laps up the juices between your folds and moves from your clit to your dripping opening. You nearly lose it as he explores your pussy with his mouth, moaning and crying out while you get closer to cumming. Taeyong digs his thumbs into your waist, making you yelp out in the unexpected and bruising pain.

“Quiet down, sweetheart, we don’t want your parents to hear, isn’t that right?” Taeyong’s raspy voice lets out. You nod amd shut your lips tightly, trying to prevent any sound from getting out. You move faster, gripping hard onto the headboard while Taeyong passionately circles his tongue around your clit and along your folds. He moves a hand to your clit and runs circle around it slowly while sticking his tongue deep inside you. This new feeling of the combined attacks on your core makes you go crazy, you can’t hold back anymore and cry out his name loudly. “Taeyong!” He slaps your ass hard with his other hand, making you jump. You put a hand over your mouth as Taeyong brings you to the edge with his mouth, moaning into it as tears start to form.

You moved back and forth a few more times before cumming. You tried to lift yourself off of his face as you came but he used his large, veiny hands to force you back down onto him.

You shake uncontrollably and look down at him while he holds you still, your mouth falling open in a silent ‘O’ shape.

He licked everything up while looking you in the eyes. He was so hard, he wanted to fuck you until you moaned so loudly, your parents would think you were being attacked, but he knew he couldn’t. Not tonight.

He finally lets you go and you fall down on the bed beside him, exhausted and weak with the a tired feeling in your legs. He wipes his mouth with the bath towel and leans over you.

“You were such a good girl for me, baby.” He kissed your forehead while you smiled. “That was amazing.” You let out. Taeyong sat up and flipped channel while you looked at the ceiling blissfully. “There’s a video I wanted you to see.” Taeyong turned to you and held your hand.

You sat up straight and looked at the TV. The video features a man dressed as a priest and a woman dressed as a nun.

“Why are we watching this?” You ask as Taeyong rubs small circles on your back. At first it seems like an innocent video of people in a church, but then you see what it really is.

The nun undressed like the priest tells her too then gets on her knees. You gasp as you watch the nun open her mouth for the priest and gives him a blow job in the church. “Is this real?” “Yes” Taeyong lies, they’re just actors but he doesn’t want you to know that. You gasp at the sight. “Isn’t this..wrong?” Taeyong chuckles at how naive you are. “No, little mouse, they are in love, So this isn’t wrong..now, watch closely.” You observe the way the lady’s head bobs up and down, and how she takes the priests entire length in her mouth. Your head turns and you wonder how it’s possible at a to fit so much in one’s mouth. “If you’re a good girl like she is, you’ll be rewarded greatly.” Taeyong watches your wide eyes on the TV. He gets up and sits on the edge of the bed. He could’ve just laid on the bed and had you between his legs while he rested his back against the headboard, but having you under him on the floor would feel so much more..satisfying. He takes your hand and gets you off the bed. “Get on your knees and be a good girl for me.” You look up at him while he rubs his thumb over your bottom lip. He unzips his jeans and takes his erect dick out. the size is intimidating, not as large as the man’s in the video, but you’re still not sure how you could fit all of him in your mouth. “What’s wrong, baby?” He asks once he sees your sad expression. “I’m not sure..if I love you, Taeyong.” Taeyong smiles and laughs lightly, still moving his hand up and down his member, circling around shaft and spreading the pre cum over it. He had built himself up so much, just the sight of you below him would make him cum hard if he kept moving his hand. But he wanted to feel your pretty mouth on him badly. “Well..do you hate me?” You shake your head. “No, no I don’t, Taeyong.” “And what is the opposite of hate?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow. “Love.” The word barely leaves your mouth. Taeyong is addicting, you can’t push away from him even though the small voice in your head tells you to.

He’s a criminal, someone that lives a completely different lifestyle from you and hurts others. He went against everything you were taught, he was dangerous, but you liked that.

“See, baby, I love you so much I tasted you and fucked you with my mouth.” The words sounded sexy as they left his mouth.

“but if you want to prove that you love me, you should take me in, all of me. Do you understand why we must do this now?” Taeyong intertwines his other hand with yours, his eyes large and focused on your soft face. “Yes..”

He was surprised to feel a small pain in his cold heart after he lied to you, but he brushed it away. He wasn’t capable of providing love. He only fucked well and got people to do things for him with that manipulative mouth of his. Love was never an option. “Good.” He smiles. “Now, open your pretty mouth.” He moves his hand up and down his shaft as you hover over it, a heat growing in between your legs again as you remember what the couple on the TV did. “Do it just like she did for Father. You want to be a good girl, right?” “Yes, Taeyong.” You lick your lips and put your mouth on his tip. You do as he says. Doing your best to follow what the girl in the video does, and lower your mouth onto him, taking in as much as you can.

There’s a harsh feeling in your throat as you feel you’ve taken in all you can, but you push even further. You had to be good, you had to make him feel as good as he made you feel. You gag and take him all in, your eyes squinting at the pain in your throat. You pull your mouth off and let your spit drop back onto his tip as you choke.

When you pull away you look up at him with large eyes and ask “Like this?”, Taeyong grunts.

“Yes, just like that, think of it as those lollipops you had this week.” Taeyong smirks and pushes your head back down. “Stick your tongue out.” Taeyong demands through dark eyes. You do as he says and he guides his tip on your tongue. “Lick it, little mouse.”

And so you do, you lick all around it and in between the small part at the top. You moved your head so your tongue can cover all bases while you place kitten licks on his veiny dick.

“Does it feel good, Taeyong, am I a good girl?” You work your tongue around the shaft as he throws his head back and holds back his loud groans. Your kitten licks drove him crazy “Yes, baby, you’re perfect, now swallow.” He looks back down at you and pushes the back of your head. You feel his dick hit the back of your throat and struggle to breathe as you bob your head up and down. “Yes, sweetheart, just like that.” You move your head up and down like the lady in the video did, drinking in Taeyong’s glorious moans. He looks down at your naked body while you gag and tears start to fall down your perfect face.

You pull away for a brief moment to breathe, and Taeyong watches as a string of spit and his pre cum fall onto your breasts and your chin. “Just a little longer, I’m almost there.” He pants. You look up at him innocently and nod before moving back down onto it. Taeyong grabs your hair and thrusts into your mouth, forcing your head down so that your lips and tongue touch every inch as he gets closer.

You groan as your throat becomes raw and irritated at the continued attack, but the vibrations make Taeyong go crazy.

You don’t even move your head anymore as Taeyong fucks into it. Your eyes start to water, your knees grow tired on the cold, hard floor.

“Fuck” he whispers as he gets closer.

You tap his thigh to tell him you can’t breathe, but he forces himself into your mouth with one hard thrust and you feel a hot liquid coat the back of your irritated throat.

He’s still holding the back of your head so you can’t pull away and see his release. “Swallow it.”

He groans and curses as he comes in your mouth.

You’re completely ruined as your tears stain your red cheeks and your nose runs. He finally lets go of your head and watches you swallow hard.

“It hurts.” You whined as you look up at him and wipe your chin of his cum. “I know, baby, but you did so well.” He picks you up off the floor. “you were such a good girl.” He sits you on his lap and cleans your face up with the bath towel before laying you down. He zips his jeans up and turns off the TV.

“Now you know what it feels like. Doesn’t it feel good?” He asks as he wipes your face. He doesn’t lay down with you, he only sits on the side of your bed while watching you. “Can I know..what the actual thing feels like?” You look down at his pants, eager to feel him inside you.

Taeyong chuckles and his smile makes your heart shutter. His beautiful large eyes squinted. “You will, little mouse, but not today.”

He wanted to fuck you badly, make you writhe under him and beg for more. He wanted to be the first one to stretch you out and the first to cum inside your beautiful pussy, but he knew he had to wait.

You were like a delicate, expensive toy. He couldn’t treat you like any other girl. You were pure. Little by little, he wanted to open your eyes and take out the hungry animal in you that would beg for his cock every day. He knew if he was the one to bring you to your amazing climaxes every time, you wouldn’t want anyone else, you’d only crave him. You were his, and he wasn’t going anywhere. He pulled the blanket over your naked body and rubbed your side as you fell asleep. You were tired by the new feelings and his attack on your throat, so you fell asleep quickly. “My little mouse, you’re all mine.” He got up and left the same way he came in. Oddly enough, you never asked him how he got in in the first place. ———— Another two weeks away from Taeyong, you felt a strange urge in your stomach to be with him again, to make him feel good. It’s all you thought about. You saw his perfect face and his smile whenever he called you a good girl. You felt his large hands over your body and imagined them in between your legs. You bit your lips and focused on the drive. Your parents were taking you back to college, the last thing you wanted to do was touch yourself in the backseat while they listened to a gospel album and hummed along. You pouted when you looked at your phone. Taeyong never texted you, maybe because he wanted you to come to him. But part of you was upset. You thought he got what he wanted and ditched you. He didn’t even call the next day to give you tips on how to get rid of the god awful sore throat you had. So you didn’t text him to tell him you were leaving town. Why should you? He wasn’t your boyfriend. —— Three weeks later and Taeyong kept an eye on you all the time. That night he went over to your place he put a tiny tracker in your bag. He always knew where you were and this was how he watched you. So he was shocked to see your strange location on the map when he woke up one morning. You were gone, out of the city and miles away. “Where you going little mouse?” He said to himself with a smirk. He was initially offended by you not notifying him of your leave but then he thought to himself, how wonderful this game of cat and mouse would be.

He could’ve texted you but he didn’t want you to know that he was watching. He wanted to surprise you, but first he needed to know exactly what kinda place you were in.

He went on to your social media and found a pic of you and another girl. The caption was “finally reunited with my fave.” He felt a tinge of jealousy, he thought he was your fave. He then looked at the location and saw the name of the university you were at. It was about 50 miles away so it made sense.

It was time for him to get his fix. He wanted to see you again, to feel your warm body and mouth on his again. He wanted to remind you of who you belonged to because he wouldn’t let you go that easily. He picked up his phone and dialed Johnny. “John..I’m gonna be taking a little vacation..I won’t be back for a few days. Make sure everyone keeps their shit together.” He didn’t wait for Johnny to ask questions, he hung up and gathered his things. ———— “Lets get fucked up!!” Your roommate Jessica yelled out over the music in the club while raising her shot glass. It was your first night together since summer break so you decided to have some fun at the nightclub near campus with a few of your friends. So much for good Christian morals. Everyone was drinking and dancing to the pulsating beats covered by profane language. Some kids were making out and some were talking. You missed Taeyong when you looked at the couples, you wanted to dance with him, to feel his hands all over you. “So my boyfriend and I had sex in the bathroom at Olive Garden over break!” Jessica yelled out over the music. You winced and tried to hide your displeasure at hearing the unnecessary confession. “Oh really? wow.” She had so much more experience than you did, and she knew this. While you had a strict Christian lifestyle back home, Jessica rebelled against it and did everything she wasn’t supposed to do.

She felt good when she talked about her sex life because she knew you couldn’t relate, but she didn’t know about Taeyong. You wanted to tell her how he fucked you with his tongue, but you didn’t, you’d only feel impure if you talked about it.

Luckily, your mutual friend Mark came up and disrupted the conversation before Jessica could go into the details. “Hey!! How are you guys?” Mark called out and hugged you both. You smiled widely and hugged him back, happy to see the cute dork. He pushed up his large round glasses and stuck his hands in his jeans.

Seeing him in a nightclub was strange. He was so innocent and sweet, you always felt a connection as he never had a girlfriend either and focused on church and studying. He was kind and just came back from his missionary trip in a country you forgot the name of. “I’m good! How was your summer overseas?” You asked excitedly. The three of your spoke before dancing together. Mark held your hand and spun you around in the typical flirtatious manner he always had. You two laughed and held each other, a bit tipsy from the alcohol.

You didn’t notice the pair of dark eyes that watched you from the bar. Taeyong drank you in, you wore a black body con dress that hugged your curves and had your hair messy for the first time. Your makeup was also darker than usual. You didn’t look so innocent anymore. He licked his lips and watched as you spoke to the man in front you. He was furious that the nerdy boy had touched you, hugged you. He hated the way he smiled and the way you looked at him like he was your entire world. He wanted to be the only man you looked at like that, so he knew he had to make it stop.

His anger took over, he knew he wouldn’t give a warning. ————— Classes start and it’s been three days since anyone has seen Mark. You were the closest to him so you asked his roommates if they’d seen him but they all shook their heads. You called and texted him but didn’t get a response. That was..until a few hours later. Mark sent a text back and you quickly unlocked your phone to open it. Your mouth dropped when you saw what it was. You quickly walked to the corner of a building on campus and watched the video. It was the same one that Taeyong took, the one of you fucking yourself on the leather seat in the practice room. You close the video and call him repeatedly until he answers, furious at what he had the audacity to send you. Then you heard the ringing sound stop and a breath over the line. “Mark?” You said quietly. There was a moment of silence as you waited for him to answer. “Hello, little mouse.” The voice answers. “..what did you just call me?” Your eyes widen. “Little mouse, you left me all alone..” the deep voice trailed, sending chills up your spine. “T-Taeyong..what did you do? Where’s Mark?” “Your boyfriend’s right here!” You heard Mark’s blood curdling scream and a few loud hits and cracks. Your eyes started to water when you heard the silence. You thought of what Taeyong did to the man at the fair and panicked. “Taeyong..please, don’t do this.” You beg. “How could you cheat on me?” “Cheat? What are you talking about, he’s my friend. And wait, we’re not even dating!” “Oh, sweetheart, you’re mine, I thought I made that very clear.” “Taeyong, you never texted or called me, I’m not yours and I never will be, you’re crazy!” You yelled into the phone, but Taeyong’s haunting chuckle overtook you. “Mmm..little mouse, you’ve gotten brave now, huh? Well..if he’s not your boyfriend and I’m not your boyfriend..I guess I’ll just get rid of him and leave you alone.” “No! Leave him alone!” “Why would I do that?” “Please..Taeyong, dont hurt him, he didn’t do anything wrong..this is my fault, I’m sorry I left you without saying anything.” “And what will you do to make up for it?” Taeyong asked and you paused. You knew what he wanted and you had to give it to him to free Mark. “Fine. I’ll do..whatever you want me to, Taeyong, just leave him alone please.” “I want you to live with me. I can’t breathe without you, little mouse. I need to feel you near me..if you’re too far away, I’m not sure what I’ll do..who I’ll hurt.” He was blackmailing you but what could you do? You had already gone too far. “I-I can’t do that...your life is completely different from my own...and you’re a gang—“ “Then say goodbye to Mark.” “No!” You started but Taeyong already hung up the phone. You hurriedly called the cops and tell them that someone called you from Mark’s phone. You delete the video but showed them the call.

You didn’t tell them who it was you spoke with, you simply said a strange man answered, but you hoped they would be able to track his phone and find Mark. You didn’t want to explicitly say it was Taeyong. But the information you gave them wasn’t enough, so they left and said they’d put out a missing persons report. When you got back to your dorm, you called Taeyong several times, he didn’t answer so you texted Taeyong after he declined them.

Taeyong knew you called the police because he watched the activity on your phone and heard your conversation. Taeyong used your phone number and gave it to his gang’s hacker, Taeil, so he knew who you called and who you texted after Taeil created a duplicate SIM card. He knew you didn’t tell the cops about him and smiled, thinking of how you protected him because you loved him. To Taeyong: please don’t hurt Mark, I take it back, I’ll live with you The guilt was eating away at your heart, you were terrified of what he’d do. Taeyong could’ve just given in and swooped you up that night, but he wanted to make himself clear, he’d hurt anyone that touched you. ———— You didn’t sleep that night.. you got up to go to class but walked by a crowd you saw gathering around the large cross that was seated in the center of campus. Some students turned away and cried, some students put their hands over their mouths. You finally looked up and saw what they did. It was Mark. Bloodied and bruised and tied to the large campus cross to turn it into a crucifix. He was nearly unrecognizable, it was his large round glasses and his favorite watermelon t-shirt that told you it was him. Your eyes started to tear up, your head started to spin, you knew who had done this and you couldn’t breathe. You looked away from Mark’s body as he barely breathed through a swollen lip. Both eyes were black and his hands and feet were swollen from the blood that had collected while he was tied there for what seemed to be hours.

You ran away and cried, unable to breathe. You brushed past campus medical and ran to a corner, where you bent over and screamed. How could he do this to one of your closest friends? Mark didn’t do anything, he was someone that was close to you and now Taeyong had hurt him, who knew what internal damage had been done. Mark only did great things for his community, unlike Taeyong who hurt everyone. And when you finally stopped crying, You were furious. You opened your phone and found Taeyong’s number. You knew you shouldn’t have cursed or wished ill on anyone, it’s not why you were taught, but you were just so mad. To Taeyong: fuck you. You closed the text box and blocked his phone number. You didn’t know that this infuriated and intrigued Taeyong. You weren’t his innocent little girl anymore, and while part of him was a bit hurt, he was more turned on by your sassiness.

He had no regrets for what he did to Mark, he only craved you more when you pushed yourself away from him because he knew that in the end, he’d get you, he’d have you under him, begging for him, loving him and no one else, for forever. Even if that meant hurting or killing everyone close to you. You sat in your room, locked your door and cried. You cursed yourself for not telling the cops about Taeyong. Why were you trying to protect him in the first place? Telling them about him now wouldn’t have made any sense. You had no idea where Taeyong was. They wouldn’t find him, you’d only waste their time again. You couldn’t talk to anyone about Taeyong, they’d say your crazy for letting it get this far. You held your face and thought of what to do, who could keep your information confidential? And then it clicked. You needed to go to the one place that always brought you peace when you had a lot on your mind. ———— Later that day, you went to the campus church, a large and ancient building with incredible high arches and velvet covered benches. You still cried softly as you kneeled in between the benches and prayed for a few minutes. You then went into the confessional box to speak with the priest. You sat on the small bench, resting your back against the walls and exhaling heavily. You couldn’t get the picture of Mark’s messed up face and body out of your mind. “Father..there’s a lot on my mind and my heart.” “Go on, my child.” “I put..my friends safety in great risk.” The tears started to come again as you choked up. “And now, he’s hurt..real bad.. and I know who hurt him..” You paused. “But I don’t know what to do Father..I think I love the man who hurt him, but I don’t know why..and now I can’t even face my friend who is in so much pain because of me.” You sniffled and wiped your eyes. “I’m a coward, father, please forgive me.. I’ve been lustful and ignorant..I’ve put myself before others.” You took in a deep breath and closed your eyes. “Father, I don’t even know if I deserve forgiveness.” “My child..of course you deserve forgiveness. That’s why you are here..you’ve acknowledged your mistakes and now you can learn from them.”

His voice sounded weird, unnatural, but you didn’t question it. “This man..that you love..have you asked for his forgiveness?” Your eyes opened and your brows furrowed. “No, Father, he’s the reason why my friend is hurt, why should I ask for his forgiveness?” “But you’re the one who left him and drove him to violence..it could’ve been prevented if you just did what he asked, if you just went to him and loved him.” You raised your head and your mouth dropped. “I’m-I’m sorry Father, I’m not following.” There was a moment of silence, just the sound of your breathing filled the small booth. “Little mouse, when will you learn?” Taeyong’s voice spoke out from the box, the fake voice you had heard before disappearing. You jumped up and opened the door of the box to run out but Taeyong beat you to it and pushed you back inside. You fell onto the small bench before standing up and trying to push past Taeyong, you opened your mouth to scream but Taeyong quickly put a hand over your mouth while closing the door.

He leaned down and whispered in your ear, keeping anyone else in the church from hearing anything. “Did you really think you could run away and block me?” “Why would you run away from the one that loves you the most?” Taeyong looked somber, genuinely hurt that you stayed away from him. He took his hand from your mouth when your eyes softened.

You breathed heavily. “How could you hurt my friend? I told you I’d do anything you wanted me to?” You cried as you remembered Mark’s bloody face. “I had to let everyone know that you’re mine, sweetheart, don’t you understand?” You shook your head and cried while he head your chin and stepped closer to you. “You’re crazy.” “No, little mouse, this is how people show their love for one another. Sacrifices have to be made for the betterment of the relationship.” You sniffled and you listened to the handsome man above you. “I hurt him..because he touched you, he tainted you that night at the club and I couldn’t stand it because I love you!” Your eyebrows furrowed as you looked at him, unaware that he was at the club that night. “He’s my friend! We were having fun!” Your voice raised. He only smiled and ran his long fingers along the side of your face.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but please understand me...do you forgive me?” He leaned down and placed soft kisses on your neck.

He held your head, softly tugging your head back so he could kiss your collar bone. “Don’t you remember when I made you feel good?” His low voice spoke against your soft skin.

You whined quietly and leaned into him, you didn’t want him to stop. Your mind told you this was bad, but your body was saying something else.

“Yes.” “I can do that again..but only if you forgive me, do you?” Something about Taeyong was so intoxicating. His hot breath on your lips made you weak, he clouded your mind again and you no longer saw Mark’s bloody face.

You nodded without thinking it through. “Yes.” He pulled back and smiled. Something about his dark eyes in the dimly lit booth made him look dangerously handsome.

“Good..now I have to forgive you for leaving me...how will you gain my forgiveness? What will you do for me, little mouse?” You looked up at him questioningly.

His lips were just centimeters away from yours, you wanted to feel them again.

“I-I’ll do anything.” You let out as you struggled to focus on forming complete sentences. His closeness was driving you crazy in the small booth.

The warmth of his body on yours and his touch made you want more. He gave you a wicked smile. “my sweet girl, there is one thing that has been on my mind.. but only if you’re ready can we do it.” You nodded, already knowing what he was referring to. You wanted it too and his closeness to you only brought out the craving you had weeks ago the last time you were together. “I’m ready.” Taeyong smiled and kissed your neck while he ran a hand up your thigh. He sucked hard to leave a colorful mark on your perfect skin. Your head fell back against the wall behind you and you pushed your body closer to his, feeling his bulge through his jeans. You moaned quietly when he placed his finger tips over your underwear, pushing the outward frills of your plaid skirt up so he could hold your skin. “Taeyong—what if someone walks in?” You breathily let out. He rolled hips into yours with his head still buried in the crook of your neck. “They’ll see how good I make you feel, baby. Now, put your legs around my waist.” Taeyong our two hands in your butt and lifted you up so that your legs wrapped around him. He pinned you to the wall to keep you up. He loved seeing you like this in your plaid skirt, white dress shirt, knee highs and pink bow tie. You’re an innocent girl ready to be fucked in the confessional booth in a church, and that drove him wild. “Unbutton your shirt, sweetheart.” His mouth watered as he pulled away and looked at you. His low eyes watching you breathe heavily. You did as he said while he hurriedly unbuttoned his jeans and pulled his boxers down. His dick sprung up out of the restricted clothing and hit your thigh. He lowered his head back to your boobs and suck the top. “Taeyong—“ You breathily moaned his name as you felt his wet, tongue on your skin and felt his stiff member on your thigh so close to your throbbing entrance. You heard the people in the church move about like they would on any other day. They had no idea that you we’re committing a sin within the walls of the house of God.

It felt wrong, but it felt good. Taeyong pushes your bra down and your boobs spill out to reveal your hard nipples.

He sucks them, licking and pinching them lightly whisk you cry out his name. “Tell me what you want, do you like that?” He let out in a sultry voice, making you whimper and close your eyes. You felt your legs start to waver as your heat grew. “Yes, Taeyong, please.” You begged and ran a hand through his hair. He backs away slightly and holds his cock, he smirks while he watches your low eyes and parted lips. He knew you’d be begging for this and it turned him on even more. He uses his other hand to push your panties aside then rubs his tip on your clit and along your folds. You moan loudly and hold his shoulder, the feeling making you twitch under him. “Tell me how bad you want it.” Taeyong whispered into your ear, still rubbing his length along your wet opening. He takes a nipple into your mouth again. “Please..Taeyong.” You run a hand down his back to pull him closer to you. “Say it, little mouse. What do you want me to do?” He’s pushing you to the point of begging and you didn’t care. “Please, Taeyong, please fuck me.” That’s all he needed to hear. He pushed into you slowly. He knows it’s your first time so you’re tight. He watches you and waits for you to get used to the new feeling. You cry out at the pain and close your eyes. When you feel like you’ve finally adjusted you nod, and he pushes into you again, this time he rubs your clit. “Relax, sweetheart, you’re doing so well.” “Oh.my God.” You feel tears run down your cheek as he stretches you out and pushes even further into your body, driving you up the wall. He holds your waist to keep your firm against him. He groans and looks down at your small pussy stretching around him.

“Fuck, so tight, baby.” He lets out then watches as he pulls out, his thumb still rubbing circles. You wince as he pushes back in and breathe heavily. “Good girl.” He kisses your lips as he starts to move in and out of you slowly. He pushed into you deep every time and almost pulls out completely. Your dig into his back through his thin t shirt with your nails as he drives your body up the wall of the confessional. Something about the fact that you, the daughter of a pastor, was being fucked in a church by the man they called the grim reaper pushed you further to your climax. It was all so hot. He moves faster as you get even more wet, allowing him to slip in and out easily. Your head falls back and your mouth opens as your moans get louder.You ran your hands along his toned arms as he kisses your neck sloppily. “Taeyong!” You call out his name as the lewd sounds of him pounding into your wet entrance grows and your hand moves faster. You close your legs tightly around his waist. He puts a hand over your mouth to stop your moans as he hits your g spot repeatedly. He nearly goes crazy himself with the feeling of your tight, velvety walls clenching around him. You felt so good around him, it was even better than he had dreamed of. And now hearing your high pitched moans as you sinned for him, drove him to the edge. He kissed your neck and pushed into you hard while still covering your wet mouth with his hand.

Your boobs jumped up and down as he fucked you against the wall. His back was covered in scratch marks as you finally released onto him.

Your body shook while he still pushed into you hard. Your muffled cries quieted down and he kept moving but he let go of your mouth and watched it fall open. The sight of your drooling for him and making quiet, mousy sounds as he fucked you silly, made him realize he was about to cum. He pulled out of quickly and you slid down the wall and onto the small bench. You looked up at him through wet eyes while he pumped his cum out of his long dick. “Open wide.” You opened your mouth and watched as the long strings of cum left his dick and entered your mouth. He moved his hand all over it and made sure that your mouth was covered in his essence. He grunted as some leaked out and coated your chin. He tapped his tip on your tongue while getting out the last amount. You licked it before he pulled away. “Swallow.” You swallowed and closed your eyes, still focused on the feeling of losing your virginity. Taeyong held your hand after zipping his jeans up and cleaning your chin with his thumb. “I love you..don’t ever leave me again.” He held your head in his hand and pulled you in for a kiss. You kissed him back, feeling your sensitive body tremble while he touched you softly. You felt good, so good as the post-sex buzz roared through your body. You wanted to be with him forever and to feel him again and again. But why did you feel like something bad was bound to happen?

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dawniebb · 4 years ago

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Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

#personal #VERY PERSONAL LMAO DAWN WHAT HAPPENED THERE U OK?#tw: eating disorders mention #TRIGGER WARNING EATING DISORDER MENTIONS #tw: depression #TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION #face reveal #and im gonna tag this bc yes #renegades trilogy #marissa meyer #renegades #archenemies #supernova #also TW: BULLYING

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novantinuum · 5 years ago

Text

Shattering Atlas (a corrupted!Steven one-shot)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T (TW: depression and body horror)

Words: 4.2K~

Summary: A boy can only carry an entire galaxy upon his back for so long before the weight of it all finally becomes too much.

Folks, here it is! I’m finally finished. AO3 link to be posted in the reblogs.

Disclaimer: This is absolutely far darker and more drastic than I believe canon would EVER tread if this theory had the faintest chance of being anywhere close to the truth, but sometimes you just feel like being super angsty for angst's sake, y'feel? It was an interesting writing experiment nonetheless. Not gonna lie, this is kinda a vent piece. Please do heed those tags. This delves into some difficult territory both mentally and otherwise, as it's written entirely from Steven's POV.

_____

Steven knows he’s messed-up.

It’s not something he tries to advertise to all the sweet, innocent people who somehow after all this time still choose to stand by his side, but he can’t lie to himself. Spending a significant chunk of your childhood actively doubting your own personhood shatters you in ways no amount of unconditional love can ever hope to mend. And sure, he’s not his mom. He knows that. Been there, had the mental breakdown, seen it, done it. The proof’s in his gem half. He knows. But as much as everyone in his life coddles him, gently tries to reassure him while he tirelessly works day and night to realign the foundation of an entire ancient civilization...

“You’re almost an adult now, isn’t that exciting?”

“Don’t worry about the future, the futures I see for you are as limitless as they are bright.”

“Take a break if you need to, ‘kay? You totally deserve one, little man.”

“Y’know, Schtu-ball, the wonderful thing about adulthood is that you can choose to fly wherever the wind takes you!”

...it’s clear none of that matters anyways. Because it’s not true, not for him. Because beyond his identity as a Crystal Gem, beyond that bottomless desire for belonging he’s been chasing all his life, ever since the fateful moment early in his childhood in which he finally realized— small, pudgy hands clutching at the oversized hand-me-down shirt right over the pink hand-me-down gem in his belly— that he isn’t like anyone else and never will be, the truth is that he genuinely doesn’t know what he wants. Who he is.

Everyone else does.

Connie has plans. Hopes, dreams. A future. She’s already thinking about college, and aims on double majoring in political science and environmental science. (A combination only she’s daring enough to pursue, but if anyone’s got the drive to succeed in that it’s her.) Dad’s still manager for Sadie Killer and the Suspects, and they’re going strong. Amethyst has been playing tour guide to all her fellow Prime sisters lately, galavanting with them all around planet Earth. Garnet is currently on the search for terrified cross-fusion Gems still in hiding across the galaxy. Pearl, Bismuth, and a number of the boardies have spearheaded a campaign to help slowly teach and integrate the humans of the Zoo into modern day society. Lapis and Peridot recently built another barn in the outskirts of Little Homeworld, and are enjoying each other’s company.

But him? When all is said and done, as the restructured Gem society stabilizes and soon no one will need him for anything anymore, when Gems and humans alike stop knocking on his metaphoric door with handfuls of their problems for him to drop everything and solve, he has nothing left. He’s no one. No future, no clue. He’s been drained empty.

He’s just drifting through life with the parking break on, continuously waiting— his nerves jittering at every quiet moment— for the next big crisis to crash into his universe and drop feed him even the tinniest shard of purpose.

After all, what is one to do when they’ve spent their entire life training to save the world, but the world has already been saved?

_____

He can’t recall exactly when his current predicament began anymore.

Time’s been hard to keep track of as of late— the days and weeks blending together in an incomprehensible fashion— and yet simultaneously, he might as well have lived a lifetime in the span of the blink of an eye. That being said, he’s pretty sure his most recent gem troubles didn’t truly kick into gear until after the incident with the, erm... cactus monstrosities.

He genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he didn’t. He only wanted to help... to heal. To try and repair but a shred of the damage Homeworld wrought on this innocent world. It worked when Earth was poisoned, so it should work in the Kindergartens too, right?

Wrong. Very wrong.

His stomach churns as he catches a glimpse of a silly photo of Peridot and himself hanging on the wall by the stairs. A static monument to his shame. Lapis is (still, days later— or is it weeks?) taking care of her gemstone at this very moment, sure, but remembering what happened before that... holding Peridot’s cracked gem in his quivering hands, biting back cries of hopelessness as he ran to the nearest warp pad, escaping from the malformed, hurting creatures born of his own magic... it‘s the kind of horror that he’s sure will linger in his dreams for a long time yet.

It’s like he’s broken. Like his powers just aren’t coming as naturally to him anymore. It’s not quite like that time with the rejuvenator. There’s no sickly glow flickering in and out of existence. No external force acting upon it. No, it’s deeper than that. It’s not a gem sourced problem, it’s him. He’s just... wrong. He’ll try to use his healing ability and it’ll backfire, he’ll summon his bubbles and shields but they’re noticeably less durable, he’ll birth life from his very soul and it’ll grow bitter and corrupt, every bit a mirror of his present mental state. He’ll jump up high in the sky to burn out years of repressed stress in semi-peace and before he can actually do so gravity will grab ahold of him like he’s a petulant, disobedient child and drag him back to the shore. It makes him want to scream, to grind his fingers into the sand so hard his knuckles go white as he sobs out every last one of his stupid, meaningless frustrations, but instead his house is always swarming with people, and his bedroom has no real door, (and he’s too embarrassed to ask for one), and in sum he can never find enough time alone to freely be his genuine messed-up self. It’s fine, though. He doubts he’s capable of crying at this point anyways.

“Dude, you okay?” Amethyst asks with brows furrowed in concern, snapping him back to reality.

His GameStation controller rests precariously in his loose grasp, entirely forgotten in the previous moment. The game they’re playing is paused. He must have blanked out again, and completely ruined their co-op fight. He lets out a shaky breath as he tightens his fingers around the plastic grips, digging into them as if they’re his sole handle on reality.

“Yeah, sorry,” he says swiftly, plastering a smile on his face with the ease of someone who’s been growing adept at this endless charade for months and months. “Didn’t sleep too well last night. Muscle cramps from training, y’know?”

He watches her closely, catalogues every minute shift in her features. Her eyes narrow so slightly that anyone else might’ve missed it. But he doesn’t. He’s observant. He’s gotta be. It’s the only way he’s kept going for this long, the only way he can ensure no one else knows. They don’t need any more worry. Regardless, Amethyst’s lack of subtlety betrays her, because it’s clear she’s searching his expression and body language right back. His chest pounds. Hastily, he holds up the controller, feeling his face go pale under her scrutiny.

Geeze, how pathetic.

No matter how hard he tries to mask it, he‘s already falling apart.

“So... we gonna play another round, or?” Right as he says this, his stomach chooses to let out an inopportune gurgle. He bites at the insides of his cheeks, inwardly cursing at the bad timing.

It’s thankfully enough to divert Amethyst’s attention from... other matters, though.

“Yo. Ste-man. Your stomach’s straight up monologuing. Have you even eaten today?”

He dimly considers this as he tries not to focus on how empty and faint his body currently feels, mind turning to fuzz. “Uhh...”

She frowns, and promptly pulls herself to her feet. “Yeah, so I’m gonna take that as a no. I’ll be right back, ‘kay? Gonna get us some cheese!” she declares bombastically, putting on a mock announcer voice.

He watches her leave his room, prancing downstairs like she doesn’t have a care in the world. A faint huff of sheer relief passes through his nostrils. Absentmindedly, his thumbs jiggle the controller’s joystick, unable to strike the earlier image of Amethyst— concern engulfing her usually carefree self— from his mind. He really should be more careful about what he says. How he acts.

He honestly couldn’t live with himself if he slipped up and became yet another emotionally taxing problem for them to deal with. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl... all his family, his friends. They deserve peace. They deserve to be satisfied, they deserve their happily ever after. They certainly don’t deserve him, self-destructing all over the bright and shining future they’d won.

Or nearly shattering them.

Putting them in needless danger, danger that’s all his fault, because he’s broken.

His throat grows tight, airway constricted, images of black beady eyes, razor sharp fangs, and malformed limbs invading his thoughts, clawing away at insecurities long scabbed over until they ooze a bitter red. Peridot’s shrill yelp as she’s overtaken in an instant. That dreadful, immediately recognizable sound, a cracking Gem, seared onto his heart for the rest of time.

He... he can’t deny it anymore. His magic’s gone toxic. He’s toxic, bringing suffering and decay where once he brought healing. All his Gem powers are fading, maybe forever. And with them fading, he’ll soon be of no use to anyone, and when they realize why they faded they won’t want him around anyways, and y’know, it’s probably for the better they’ll have a concrete reason to finally push him away. He’s not stupid. He’s always known what an emotionally taxing strain he’s been on everyone, ever since the day Mom died for him to be born.

Steven grips the controller so hard that his fingers grow numb, mind stewing in the dark fantasies of what he’d like to do with himself when he’s left behind for good.

And then... his heart leaps in his throat as he dimly hears Amethyst begin to whisper to the others (they’re back? They’re back?? When did they return, why didn’t you notice them, how could you just miss—) downstairs.

“Y’guys,” he hears her say frantically, under her breath, “I think we really gotta talk with Steven. Something’s seriously wrong, and he won’t tell me what.”

“What, you mean to say he’s in danger? Garnet, do you see anything?”

“Hmm. I don’t foresee any external threats to Steven’s safety in the near future, but...”

“Amethyst, he’s clearly still upset about Peridot. And once she reforms in a few days, when she’s ready, he’ll be fine! Trust me.“

“No, trust me, I genuinely think this is more than just Peridot! It’s getting me super worried. He hasn’t been eating like he should, y’guys. I don’t think he’s showered in days. Sometimes it’s like he’s... I dunno, like, he isn’t even fully present. And y’know, thinking about it now? It’s been like this for a while. Since before all the cactus stuff.”

“Well, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m not sure how we could—“

“We need to call Greg over,” Garnet interrupts Pearl, a new, thinly veiled panic rising in her voice. “Right now.”

His eyes stretch open wide.

Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no... Not here, not now, not— please, not now!

His breath hastens, his body outright shaking now. He curls tight into himself, the game controller dropping from his slackened fingers onto the floor as he clutches his knees to his chest. Sweat beads in droplets on his forehead. He outright yanks at his hair.

Amethyst, she can’t just waltz downstairs and!—

I don’t want to—

Peridot, getting cracked, I- it’s all my fault and she didn’t—

I- all of this- I’m so useless, careless, l- I’m losing my mind, what’s even wrong- why are you panicking!- I don’t—

T-they can’t know, they can’t know, they CAN’T—

He can’t fully bite back his cries as his gem flares burning hot, a rush of pure, unadulterated agony spiking through his hard light veins in an indescribably eternal split-second, the very experience of hypocrisy. Every single muscle in his body seizes. His ears ring, filled with a cacophonous clamor of sound that slashes through his mind with the deadly force of a long blade. Crippling. Debilitating. All-consuming. Hell. This is hell. Because then his head is pounding, and his limbs are all weak and shaky, and for a moment he’s bathed in a faint wash of pink, the glow enveloping him like his own corona of sickness as he succumbs to the pain he’s sequestered inside, bitterly festering for all these years.

Hell eventually recedes, both its note and its physical touch, but the dark clouds looming over his mind do not. Slowly, he loosens his grip on his curls, trying desperately to bring balance to his breathing. His ears are still ringing. His head is still cotton. Questions abound. For instance: what on Earth was that?? Stars, is something else wrong with his gem now, too? Thoroughly disorientated, he yanks up the hem of his shirt.

“Steven?!” Pearl calls frantically from downstairs, right as his trembling fingers gently trace the exposed facets of his gem. “Are you okay up there?”

He squints, features compressing in his sheer confusion. Visually, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. No imperfections, no flickering light, nothing. So then what’s—

“Hey, Steven? Yo?? You, uh- maybe wanna come eat downstairs, or?”

A shudder runs clear through his form, starting from his gem and coursing outwards to the furthest extremities. He grits his teeth as he rides through the stabbing discomfort, clutching at his stomach. It’s like he’s about to vomit. Sure, so maybe he was really hungry before, and maybe that has a little to do with what he’s experiencing now, but... this... still doesn’t feel right. Spots swim in his vision as he glances down again.

And that’s when he sees it, slowly creeping across the skin of his bare forearm as clear as day.

It’s a patch of dull, pinkish hide. Not human skin, hide. He runs his index finger along its perimeter, all of reality screeching to a halt as his brain performs somersaults in a desperate last-ditch attempt to contextualize the information his eyes are sending him right now.

“What?” he whispers in disbelief, (even though he has a few terrifying theories), frantic heartbeat pounding in his ears like a drum.

“I’m checking on him,” Garnet says, just loud enough that he knows for certain she intends him to hear. Solid footsteps creep across the floorboards, advancing towards the foot of the stairs.

It’s frankly impressive how fast a single stimulus can turn panic to outright paranoia.

He almost trips over himself diving to retrieve his jacket off the floor, forcing his arms through the sleeves faster than any of the Gems could ever summon their weapons. Hide it. Hide it away. They can’t see you, they can’t know you’re corru- NO! Stop.

Bathroom. He needs to get to the bathroom.

His bare feet solidly connect with the floor, toes curling inwards as he shudders again. A pulsing ache settles into the bones of his skull. Then a prickle at his neck. Reflexively, he slaps his hand against the affected locale. There’s another spot steadily growing there.

Alone, NOW.

The whole world’s spinning as he turns on his heels and flies across the length of his bedroom— sprinting past the TV, shoving past Garnet, who’s already halfway up the open stairwell, and leaping clear over the couch from midway down the last set of steps. (Everyone’s shouting in blind panic as he enters their sight. Fear. Needless, unwanted worry. Calling his name, calling for peace, but his ears are still ringing and their voices are overlapping and he can’t distinguish any of it.) When he reaches the bathroom his hand grips the knob so hard that the metal almost crumples under his force, and he swings himself through the doorway, slams it shut, and turns the lock with pink-splotched fingers faster than any one of the Gems can move to stop him.

For a split moment, things are okay. He’s alone. Moreover, he’s safe.

(But are you really?)

His head is pounding again, the pulsing at his temples soon coalescing into a constant inescapable misery. Letting his eyes flutter shut, he lets his forehead lull against the door. Flexes his knuckles, imagines the splotches disappearing from sight as easily as eye bags under makeup. He tries to calm his breathing in the meditative way Garnet once showed him. In for four counts... and out. In... and out. Come on, just ride it out, Universe. You’re a Gem- a diamond, for cripe’s sake! Control it. Conceal. Move on.

“Steven?!” Amethyst calls from outside. “Please talk to us, what’s goin’ on?”

"Whatever it is, you don't have to be alone!" Pearl adds. He doesn't even have to see her face to know that she's crying.

A renewed burst of panic spikes through his veins at this realization.

“Stop worrying about me, I’m fine!” he bites back on impulse.

“No, you’re NOT!” Amethyst hollers, and then... after a thoughtful pause, her tone softening: “I- I know you’re not.”

He stares down at his hands, brows threading together, watching as the patch of hide continues to inch across his skin. The genuine concern interlaced in every syllable of her speech is enough to make his gut churn with guilt.

“Steven, I... stars, I know you probably overheard me talking to everyone jus’ a second ago, and I know I probably betrayed every scrap of trust we ever had ‘coz of that, and I wanna say I’m sorry, but I can’t just stand aside and watch you treat yourself like garbage. Please, the door’s jammed. Let us in. We just wanna help!”

His lip quivers, despite himself. “I don’t need any help!” he insists, stubbornly pushing past the crack in his voice. “I’m just—“

He’s interrupted by a rush of crippling agony radiating upwards from his gem once more, the ache at either side of his head intensifying into three points. Hands rush to the site on automatic. Fingers grasping, searching. Discovering.

There’s something growing at his temples, he realizes with a rush of horror. Something hard, faceted. Disturbingly cold to the touch.

There’s no way to bite back his screams as the growths fully protrude, none at all, even with his mouth clamped shut, and even though he can’t see them he can sense their weight as they wind upwards and back, up and out of his curls, and he’s shaking, oh stars is he shaking, chest heaving up and down so hard he’s not sure he’ll ever be free of these awful tremors ever again, and— A hoarse sob forces its way to the surface as a third growth crowns his forehead. Trembling fingers scrape down the length of the door as he collapses to his knees, nails sharpening into gnarled talons as they sink further and further into the wood, carving through it like butter. He clenches his jaw back together so hard that with any greater pressure he might shatter his own teeth.

Still quite woozy under the threat of hyperventilation, he slowly turns his head. Extricates those dreadful claws from the door. Dares himself to look. Forcing himself back up to his feet, he gazes deep into the depths of the mirror. And as the creature trapped on the other side stares back through sickeningly pink irises— blotches of color steadily creeping up their jawline and across their cheek, inching to meet the base of those glistening crystalline horns— all known reality shatters into smithereens.

Not me, not me, not me, is the mantra he chants to himself like a prayer, stubbornly clinging to any vestige of normalcy as if this is all but a vivid nightmare he can stir awake from.

(As if deep down, a tiny, beaten-down part of himself still wants to believe he deserves a future too.)

But the darkness reflected in that mirror is following his every jerky, erratic movement as all the despair and guilt and self-hatred festering within continues to consume him like a matchstick to fire.

Not real. It’s not real! I don’t need help. I don’t need the Gems, they don’t need to know, I’m fine, I’m FINE, this isn’t corru - NO, DON’T THINK ABOUT IT! YOU CAN’T—

They’re yelling outside. Arguing, probably. (And true to form, Pearl‘s cries are the shrillest.) But he can’t be certain of anything anymore while smothered under the fog’s thickening surface, with the rest of the world relegated to mere static and stimuli. Not a word, not a clue. No way to know if it’s an argument about him or with him.

And in his mind their distress stands as yet another sign. Just another slice of proof that they truly are at their happiest without him, that his continued existence only serves as a complication. He can’t deny it anymore. He can’t lie, can’t tiptoe around the inevitable truth; like this, he’s nothing but a liability. A ticking time bomb, set to shatter everything and everyone in his path. Shaking like a leaf, he unfurls his fists, watching as the dull pink hide overtakes the last clear patches of flesh upon his misshapen, monstrous fingers.

They’re better off without you.

The passing seconds cease to exist as he convulses again, this time centralized at the base of the spinal column. He doubles over, leans into the pain. Rides it through vertebrae by vertebrae, raking his claws deep into the wood floor as a fifth limb emerges from where the spine left off, steadily lengthening— fortifying itself with jagged crystalline spikes as it grows ever longer. Its weight is entirely foreign, yet it shifts upon his slightest command. Panic overruling all logic once more, he thrashes about, the tail swinging across the bathroom counter like a whip. His toothbrush, comb, and other various toiletries he hasn't made use of in days clatter to the floor, abandoned.

R u n.

The thought rampages through his shattered soul like an avalanche. Yanks him by the horns. Consumes his mind and body like a trance. He has to escape from here, from the house, the Gems, has to run quick, before it’s too late and you can’t do anything more but wordlessly scream.

He doesn’t stop to question this impulse. Doesn’t stop to peer at that poor tortured creature in the mirror again. For a moment his claws struggle to grasp the crumpled door knob, fumbling in failure’s wake.

When he finally forces the door open, the whole world holds its breath.

Pearl’s eyes blow wide upon the no-doubt horrifying sight. Her hands fly to her mouth. “Steven?!”

Even Amethyst reacts in an adverse manner, stepping back towards the support of the wall. “Holy...” she breathes, face paling.

And just knowing he’s out here now, every gnarled, nightmarish feature exposed in front of his family like a raw nerve, makes his blotchy, spot-covered skin crawl.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’m FINE!” he hollers as he sprints to the warp pad, barbed tail whipping wildly behind him. Pearl yelps in alarm as she only barely dodges its mace-like swing. Unable to hold back his sobs anymore, he collapses to his knees on the hard crystal. Coils his tail around himself by sheer instinct. Hides his face away behind arms. Hot tears spill from his eyes, vision blurring and sharpening in rhythm to the unbearable ache pounding in his head. “I’m fine,” he whispers pathetically, voice catching.

He can practically feel the vibrations through the floor as someone approaches. It’s Garnet. He doesn’t know how he knows, but it can only be her. His breath hastens against his better wishes. Can’t stop, won’t stop, can’t stop... The vision of the temple door begins to pirouette in dizzy circles around him as he arches his back, and with a sharp gasp feels something tear its way through his shirt and jacket right above his spine, all jagged and spiked and— NO! He grinds his jaw together, shrinking further into himself. Not real. It’s not real, not real, not—

“Steven,” she says in a measured tone as he heaves for air. (No, with hesitation. Fear. She’s hesitating because she’s afraid of you, she’s afraid because you’re a monster NO.) “I know you’re hurting, but I need you to take a deep breath with me, and try to calm down. Please, let us help you...”

A heart wrenchingly familiar hand reaches out to him, adorned by a ruby gem and a golden wedding band. His fingers clamp around thick, greasy curls, brushing against the horns protruding from his temples. A keening cry slips out from his mouth against his better wishes. They want to help. They only want to help...

He peeks at her through the crook of his arm, his most likely reddened, blotchy eyes meeting hers. She’s taken off her visor. She’s crying too.

For a glimmer of a second, he considers reaching out. Taking her offered hand with his own clawed one. But then...

Haven’t you been a burden enough already?

His face screws up, and his hands clench into fists.

“NO,” he shouts, slamming them down upon the warp pad. It activates, (blessedly still accessible at this early stage of corruption NO don’t think about it!!), glowing a bright cyan as he envisions where he wants to go: no particular destination in his mind but away, away, away.

After all, he already knows he’s a monster.

So... he might as well become one too.

_____

Notes:

Some days you just gotta have an entire mental breakdown and go full wyrm, y'hear?

HCs I tapped into for this fic:

After being healed, formerly cracked Gems take longer to reform than Gems who were only poofed. Peridot will be okay eventually, she just hasn’t reformed quite yet.

Steven is still able to warp because he hasn’t quite passed the threshold of corruption that prevents a Gem from accessing the warp stream. I imagine it's very much a matter of mental connection, and having the right presence of mind to tap into it. Probably a few minutes after this, if Steven were to continue going downhill and his mind fully fell into the fog of corruption, he’d no longer be able to warp. He got super lucky here.

This potential future blindsided Garnet because previously- like how Steven’s newfound maturity threw her off as discussed in Pool Hopping- she hadn’t factored in the idea of Steven being in such a low mental state. Amethyst was the first to really see past his attempts to mask it because she personally had dealt with depression like this before and knew what it looked like.

Maybe one day after SUF airs I'll write more on this topic, but as for now this will remain a one-shot. I 100% imagine Steven would ultimately be okay in this timeline, though. They'd be able to help him, stop the corruption. Steven goes to heckin' therapy. He'll live on, he'll begin to recover and cope. But that's a whole 'nother story.

Thank you for reading!

#su #su future #steven universe #corrupted steven theory #su fanfic #garnet #amethyst #pearl #su fanfiction #corrupted steven #corrupt!steven #body horror #my writing stuff #the mighty 500

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