#I’m not questioning my sexuality over a mask! no I’m not! 😭

[callmelittlesanshine]

I love how his eye looks here

(Ritual in Ulm 20.06.2023)

@historian-crown @in-cardi-c-we-thrust @riptide-kid

[foursaints]

barty has a certified Evan Kink but what else specifically 👀👀👀

grim made a post here that i agree with & im going to reiterate some of it! but generally my barty is pretty disgusting so i’m putting this under a cut lmao…. Beware..... i know i just said i want my asks to be less horny but im not helping. this is so explicit seriously if you are one of my cool mutuals look away (fern do NOT read this i will be so mad)

prefacing this by saying 😭😭 these are NOT my personal preferences i’m simply huffing the fumes like the oracle at Delphi and divining into his mind. also with evan he gets way more switchy but these are just how i see his usual preferences in general 

24/7 power play (as grim said) and free use. barty gets off on blurring the lines between kink and reality and having complete control over his partner sexually but he does it in a sort of irreverent, half-joking-but-not-really-joking way. he’ll casually make his partner lick his boot and he’ll laugh and pat them on the head and get up to go make dinner. bend them over while they’re doing dishes because He Can Have Them Any Time & not let them finish because it’s his decision. that sort of thing

(but u have to put it in context like outside the bedroom that man is SO whipped. he’s calling evan his brainless fuckdoll but he’s also walking 4 miles in the snow to get him the specific type of croissant he wants)

to me there’s a major incongruity between barty’s fantasies and his actual preferences. he jerks off to the idea of keeping his partner collared & silent & pretty & obedient and dolled up and sat quietly on a pillow all day waiting to please him. but he would hate that irl and in reality he LOVES evan’s bitching and bossing him around. its so much more fun

FAKE KIDNAPPING (as grim said). SO REAL! HE IS THE KIDNAPPER! IN A SKI MASK! 

in general my barty is concerningly into cnc but only if its super negotiated and desired. hes checking in beforehand and throughout 800x but like? with evan? they are going the whole nine yards. he wants to pin him down and Take Him while he screams and struggles and cries and fails to fight him off 

while barty is cooing and salivating over him and petting his hair and licking his tears and mockingly telling him how sweet & weak he is and how perfectly evan takes him. btw

overstimulation. both giving and receiving. 

he’ll make his partner get off like eight times daily because he finds overstim entertaining. like he’s not even getting anything out of it at this point. just whenever he’s bored he’ll sit his partner on his knee for the third time that day and play with them until they cry while he scrolls his phone 

this next one shows up mostly in his dirty talk and his habit of manhandling but like? objectification? but in the weird possessive sense of “wow you are so perfect and pretty it’s like you’re a cute little toy that exists Just For Me” <- that type of vibe. he chooses to believe you were Invented to Be Fucked By Him

and his dirty talk is so meeeaaaan like he could be doing the most depraved thing ever and speaking in a casual tone of voice like he's making small talk. he's very condescending and asks a lot of demeaning questions and will laugh. he likes to see evan get angry and embarrassed and make him repeat filthy stuff

not really a kink bc i don’t think it’s something he seeks out or even thinks about much. but when he discovers evan rosier is a virgin he 100% gets SOOO weird and insane about it. bro is FROTHING 

but aside from all of that. he loves giving himself up to evan completely and service top barty is Real. that’s an entirely different rodeo with its own set of… fucking… rodeo clowns? lassos? 20-page long notarized consent forms? this is an untenable metaphor. but anyway i also like to believe that rosekiller has very loving vanilla dynamic-less sex too because im a romantic like that. and also because they are soulmates

he’s SO awful but. you know. i love him anyway

[earthwaters]

I also want to challenge myself to date various kinds of people too. I keep attracting the same kind of person and it’s getting tiring.

- virgin/inexperienced

- im usually their first girlfriend

- they ALWAYS have a black dog, every ex of mine has had one 😭

- very insecure/low self esteem but low key has a weird god complex

- doesn’t know how to verbally express their emotions

- always tells me that they thought I was out of their league when we first met

- the “nice” guy

- low key manipulative

- doesn’t take things as seriously as I do

- starts off as friends but moves quickly into a relationship

- says I love you on the first day/moves too quickly in the relationship

- lack of stable foundation in the beginning and their motive for being friends with me is just to become my partner and not a genuine connection in the beginning, I start to feel very untrusting and insecure in the relationship quickly.

- they choose me but I don’t choose them.

- my emotions don’t have time to develop in a slow, genuine manner in the way I’d like for it to

- the relationship starts off on rocky grounding

- they always like me first but I want to stay friends but then I feel like we have to date bc they keep pressing the issue

- initially attracted to me because I’m “nice” and “pretty” but when asked to elaborate any further than that, they cannot provide the details. It’s usually what I’m able to do for them and never vice verse

- they catch my eye cause I think they’re very attractive but we are highly incompatible and I don’t give myself enough time to know them fully

- I make excuses for their red flags

- makes me really jealous easily. I find myself getting triggered in the worst way possible and I question why I’m acting like this.

- they’re really bad at giving head

- when were intimate I always feel like I’m getting violated or I have to mentally detach to process what’s happening cause a majority of the time they’re bad at foreplay or don’t even try to get me in the mood before initiating anything sexual. they don’t wanna discuss healthy sexual needs beforehand. (I also think my ptsd and SA trauma play a big role in this too)

- sexual intimacy always feels like I’m performing. I feel like I have to put my needs to the side to make sure they feel good. it’s like I’m wearing a mask. I never feel satisfied in sexual encounters.

- my intuition tells me to end it but I don’t and when I finally have the courage to do so they either don’t let me or we actually break up and I end up in a runner/chaser push and pull dynamic with them because then I feel like I lost something with them bc I put in a lot of time and effort into something I didn’t want to do in the first place but I actually started to like them in the process (I’ve got to stop seeing pain=love, like bro omg just let it go and move on 😭)

- I nitpick every little thing they do or I find one thing I don’t like about them and it gives me the ick

- their version of conflict resolution is usually brushing things under the rug instead of addressing it right then and there and that always results in an argument because I would like to express my emotions in the heat of the moment to prevent me from holding a grudge over them but they never wanna “talk it out” they rather just dismiss it and any form of me speaking up for myself is seen as me being “difficult”.

- but then when my feelings get hurt it takes a long time for me to recover and I shut down when I don’t feel like I have a safe space to express my emotions fully so in the end nothing gets solved and they wonder why I become distant and I’m too stubborn to say it.

- im usually seen as being combative when I express my emotions. While the other person is very passive.

In conclusion,

I just attract a lot of romantic partners that aren’t compatible with me at all and it’s always the same pattern over and over 😭 I understand that it takes two and I’m apart of the problem also. I want to improve and fix these toxic cycles on my behalf. IM TRYING MY BEST. and I know that my best isn’t the best that I can be just yet. But this is a start right? I’m proud of myself for being able to identify these patterns.

I think I’m gonna start dating more casually this year so I can re-teach myself how to handle heartbreak. I can’t let everyone who leaves my life completely destroy me. it’s good to not form intense bonds with everyone im romantically involved with. I want to be able to say goodbye and be at peace with knowing that we served our purpose in each others life and now we’re free to continue our path.