#I’m not at home rn so I can’t sleep
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I’m going to riot
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it looked sooo pretty outside today :)
#the community garden across the street was being cared for (even in winter) by my neighbors#it’s the first day in a long time i came home from work and the sun was up still !!#it was so rosy#got greeted by my dog and my gf and the cat :#life is good even when it’s hard :)#i packed a lunch for me and for lauren and braided her soft hair before bed and sometimes i just want to cry with love#my therapist is helping me find a surgeon for top surgery and i got referred to a pain management specialist by my doc today too#and work was easy and slow today#i can’t sleep rn bc my pain is sooo bad so i’m tucked in the living room knitting w the snoring dog beside me on our tiny green couch#im so sad and so happy lol#personal
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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lol my job must be dropping people like flies they just gave everyone making under $20 a raise
mine was only 30 cents though
I mean I used to work in the department making IDs for every new hire/deactivating IDs for everyone who left and it was a lot and that was a year and a half ago. I’m sure it’s worse now that things have only gotten more and more unaffordable
This place actually pays more than pretty much anything else here so idk where these employees are going tbh. Take me with you. Please. Maybe they just move out?
#$18.70 an hour now#i wish this place didn’t suck so much#cause when I leave I’m going to be making like $15#because the whole state sucks#yay.#maybe I’ll finally escape the swamp this decade#saving up every cent rn 🙃#genuinely don’t know what the end goal of this city as a whole is#if no normal workers can ever afford a house and more than half their income goes to rent (with roommates)#how do the rich keep expecting to have an unlimited supply of servants if your servants can’t afford a bed to sleep in#and the people whose homes/apartments got torn down to build more? where did they go?#at this rate there is no end goal they’re just building till the flooding starts to scare people away I guess idk
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anyways moving back in w my parents has drastically negatively affected my mental health in ways I didn’t know it could be and it’s been like 8 months and im rly nearing a breaking point it’s no longer funny
#blah blah privlege whatever idc I’m very frustrated w my situation rn bc Im STUCK and can’t DO anything even tho I thought that feeling#would end as an adult but no I just move back home and immediately feel like a kid again in every negative aspect#and the layout of my parents house and the fact that they both work from home means I have literally almost no privacy to the point where I#have fucked up my sleep schedule to be opposite of theirs sometimes so I can be awake when no one else is w out concern that they’re there#like fr It’s fraying st my nerves being woken up by my step dads voice yelling every fucking morning because I can also HEAR everything#bc this house has terrible fucking insulation!!! and even if I can’t see my parents I can hear them talking and moving around#it makes me paranoid#GOD this was a rant and I’m def mentioning it to my therapist ykbow#ANYWAYS#sometimes I wish I could move in w my sister but that would still cause problems just in a different font
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i feel so terribly sick in the head i don’t know what to do
#having a truly terrible night. i don’t even know what i look like or if i’ve ever been mentally and physically healthy#i feel so so wrong and i should never be allowed to drink again. when did i get so self-destructive and raw#i moved from a place that i hated (it was my home) to somewhere beautiful but so so wrong. i hate these streets and i hate this view and i#just want to feel like i’m home. i never had a home though did i? i grew up hating where i lived and always wanting something more#i’m moving again in less than two weeks. another country. another place that will never feel like it’s mine#i drink and i sleep but i don’t eat or see the sun. it’s like i’m barely alive these days. video games are kinda the only think keeping me#sane rn. and even that’s coming to an end. my mother thinks i hate her and my stepfather is fine with ignoring me. i haven’t seen anyone#like me or even just my age in nearly two months. i hardly speak to anyone. i have no money and i can’t work. what am i supposed to do??#all i am is tired and angry at the world. and i’m in bed and i’m hungry and i don’t know what for and i want a fucking drink.#fucking hell it’s too late for me to be like this. i just want my best friend back.#michi.txt#vent in tags
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auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr
#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep#friend is asking abt lunch on Friday when I already have standing commitment w other friends then so I can’t do that.#but I also go home on Sunday and I can’t do shit until Friday bc work and I have plans on Saturday so I just. can’t see them#which. I guess makes things easier actually that’s not something I can control and I’m not changing existing plans that’s unfair#I’m also listening to a playlist of old music (Apple Music generated favourites — so literally random picked from everything I’ve ever done#and the last few songs have made me feel Bad bc of being associated with certain times but song playing rn is definitively a good song#w a good memory attached and it’s MY song not one of my old friends#okay where are we#I’m stressed abt presentation on Thursday but also a non issue. I’m prepared. I have all day tomorrow to practice and read up more#and then it’s 20 minutes on Thursday morning I’ll be done before 10am#I am. a little frustrated on a broader scale about the role I’m currently occupying#in that w a bunch of my friends I’m having to be the one with their shit together and dealing with their Stuff.#mostly in the way that I have to be putting in extra effort to tiptoe around them and steer stuff to keep them happy#i can do it i can do it easily I’ve just tasted not having to now so it’s. noticeably different having to do it more#i do Not have the words to talk abt this in the way I want to it’s so annoying#it’s like. I know how my friend responds to stuff. I know the things that make her anxious and what her instinctual responses will be#and I’m constantly having higher level thoughts planning out how things will go it’s effortless and constant it’s just There#with everyone all the time but sometimes I use it more and sometimes I have to because I’m in a position where if I don’t we’ll get nowhere#and I don’t like that I’m having to worry abt keeping other people happy while I’m talking to my friends it removes me a layer from stuff#hrm. there are broader questions here abt the utility of this bc like. sure it helps in some situations#but this probably isn’t great long term for either of us. wild. goddamn talking to my friend abt philosophy opened new parts of my brain#anyway I cba to have those thoughts rn! it’s midnight! I’m going to bed in half an hour <3#it’s honestly unfair that I have to do anything other than be gay and play pokemon#luke.txt#uaUrghrhfhjs I’m also being insane abt a guy. which is predictable and I feel stupid abt for multiple reasons but. here we are.#I’m being insane. and maybe I should be less mean to myself but I feel like I’m being insane.#I think! I need to go to bed!#I am not being insane I am having feelings and that is allowed. feelings are typically regarded as a pretty normal thing to have.#philosophy friend is gonna be so mad at me if anything comes of this but it’s fine and if it does I think I’ll be pretty happy anyway#point is I’m doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I like. okay.
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back on the topic of how aware viktor and archemorus have been of what’s happened while they’re dead….
i keep thinking about how they must have reacted upon first finding out what happened to their homes due to the jade wind. how fucking awful it must have been for them to learn the destruction that was wrought upon their homes and people.
i don’t think it would make them regret killing shiro… but it would hurt, knowing that them killing shiro resulted in that
#they’re both so fucking sad about their homes in their zone specific dialogue#but I’m under the impression that they were.. aware of what happened to echovald and the jade sea prior to being rev legends???#considering they’re aware of the tsunami that took out old kaineng city#they’re definitely aware of SOME shit that’s happened so#i can only assume they found out about the effects of the jade wind while in the mists#guys it’s nearly 1 am and im so fucking sad about these two#im especially sad regarding archemorus and the luxons cause like#as far as we can tell while echovald being petrified was really difficult for the kurzicks#it didn’t change their way of life SO drastically like the luxons losing the sea#it upended literally everything about how they lived#plus… there’s ships caught in the jade in dragon’s end#they were seafarers. so many luxons must have died when the sea turned to jade.#not to downplay what happened to echovald and the kurzicks of course but god. I can’t imagine how archemorus must feel seeing the jade sea#god it’s such a shame we never got to see what luxon way of life was back then#cause obviously it was way different than what we saw of them in factions#like i assume they had settlements along the coastline of the sea even back then but#going from being seafarers to…. not. is such a huge change.#i like to imagine that whenever orion and noriaki go out to dragon’s end for anything#archemorus just… has a Rough Time. he gets distracted just staring out across the frozen waves#IM ACTUALLY MAKING MYSELF CRY RN MAYBE I SHOULD GO TO SLEEP#AAAAAAAA#vindicator ghostposting
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it’s only getting worse -__-
#in neg city#i feel like every single day i’m just getting worse and sadder and more bitter and ughhhhhh#wanna go home and sleep and never wake up. genuinely just feeling the worse i’ve felt in months#which is so fucking stupid bc things are actually GOOD for me rn#yet i cant feel good. i feel so selfish#i just can’t shake this feeling of isolation and that everyone hates me and wants me dead#and that nothing i do will ever matter#my gf says i’m just burnt out but it feels like i’ve been burnt out for the better part of 3 years. when the fuck do i recover#getting impatient. one of these days i’m gonna get fed up and just jump in front of the train
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#some days are so hard like I am very not okay a lot of the time these days but rn I’m actually okayish so I can’t put it into words#but like basically I’ve been have trouble sleeping recently and it’s only gotten worse…to the point where I’ve been waking up every single#night and it’s so hard to get my brain to be sleepy again and go back to sleep#and it’s ruining my life like being exhausted makes life sososo hard I’m miserable and everyone around me is laughing and lighthearted and#I just wallow in my own misery…like when I’m okay I’m okay but when I’m not I question everything#I should really just quit my job and focus on dealing with this chronic insomnia I have now but I’ve been trying different things and#nothing has stuck..part of me probably isn’t trying hard enough but how can I with a full time#job and the need to feed myself and chores and getting my mind of everything and trying to workout more like??#that’s why I need to quit but I am hesistant to move home like I don’t have to but still then I wouldn’t need to pay for rent yknow but I#I also kind of don’t want to move home bc it’s quite nice not to and for covid reasons bc I’m like the only one I know that still cares#about covid lmaooo but like there are definitely pros too like I’m glad I still have the option tbh#but I wish I could just sleep and didn’t have to fight my own brain every single night why can’t I just be normal like I know no one is#normal but also why does everyone else do such a good job hiding it while I just feel like I’m just bringing the mood down by struggling so#much..like also my dept so small rn and I actually do lie my coworkers they really already take a lot of weight comparatively and are#reliable that I feel bad idkkkk why can’t I just sleep like seriously. wtaf is wrong with me#random thoughts don’t mind me#I’m so fucking tired
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:)
#sleepover is done and she’s ubering home#this is the messiest my room has ever looked. you can’t even walk inside#aughhh the vibes rn are good#i’m gonna sleep in tonight#tomorrow i literally sleep over at hers so it’s gonna get worse from here#it’s a need 2 by pinegrove kinda night rn
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we’re only 8 days into July and so far it’s been an absolute fucking nightmare
#so many things are like….. I just can’t function in my personal logre#putting on a mask for work like I’m the happiest MF alive#and then going home and feeling like shit bc wtf is going on in my life rn#I have no clue and it’s so frustrating and I’m riddled with anxiety#and heartburn LMFAO#and migraines#<- got one while trying to sleep last night and I was up for the next hour and half while waiting for my excedrin to kick in
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HI CRISA I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY AND GET WELL SOON AND GSDHSHDSHDSDDSJ CROSSING MY FINGERS SENDING HUGS sobbing., hope get some sleep
Have a little creechure of happiness i found in my yard !! I forgor what their name is in english but i love these bugs dearly and i hope this brings a lil joy amidst the pain ;;w;;
VICKYYYYYYYYYY ILY TYSM ;;w;; oooooh it looks like some sorta junebug/beetle, I love those guys!!
#edit to add context bc I deleted the post -> I’m in the hospital rn#like. for people who didn’t see it ALRIGHT BACK TO THE ORIGINAL TAGS#I mostly feel fine now!! I’m just. so tired lmao#can’t sleep here because the bed isn’t cozy and there’s tons of noise outside the room :’)#cant wait to go home but idrk when that’ll be atp#oughhhhhh#crisask#artistvicky
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post operation skinny✌️(i haven’t eaten in 24 hours)
#idk why i think i’m funny rn#it’s probably the drugs and the fact that it’s 2am and i can’t sleep#i was still kinda woozy when i got home so i didn’t want to eat anything#now i think it’s mainly wore off my the pain meds are making my brain all chattery#maybe i’ll take the other drugs they gave me that will make me drowsy#but sometimes when i’ve taken them before i just get really tired but still can’t fall asleep#maybe i have insomnia#i should really go to therapy#fruity thoughts#i keep closing this app and trying to sleep but then i have a thought and my brain tells me to post it
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#I’m like the lowest I’ve ever been in my life :)))#so many things have changed in such a short time I don’t know what’s up or down anymore#said goodbye to my childhood home 4 weeks ago#moved in with my girlfriend and her mom but I sleep in a storage shed in their backyard with my cat#my mom couldn’t keep Dino with her in the apartment so I’ve lost him too and that’s what hurts the most#I miss him so much#he has a new family and he’s doing great there and I’m so happy that he’s alright but it’s hard to accept that I can’t be with him anymore#everything happened so fast. all the decisions. I didn’t have time to react#and now all the grief is washing over me#at the same time my new medication is likely giving me side effects so I have this extremely intense anxiety and I’m constantly sad#I have to stuff myself full of promethazine in order to function somewhat normally#last week my anxiety was so bad that I almost had to go to the emergency psychiatric ward#also it sucks having to take physics and math rn it’s so draining and difficult and it feels so much harder cause my mental health is shit#really these classes make me wanna die but I have to take them if I’m gonna reach the education I have in mind#just venting I guess#sorry#I’ve been away from here for like a month? I barely have the energy to check my dashboard
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