#I’m going off of some fb post she made a couple years ago saying

[kelpeigh]

Amanda Palmer has said some truly wild things over the years but nothing— nothing— could possibly top her claim that Coin-Operated Boy was not written about a vibrator

[youcantfiremebecauseiquit]

idk if u care but crispin gray recently had an interview about his entire career and it kind of changed my perspective of queenadreena…idk if for better or for worse lol. it was weird to see him so dismissive of a lot of his catalogue w katie except for ‘love your money’ just because that was the only remotely chart successful song. i get you want to be able to sustain yourself but jeez him and katie really had a weird back and forth relationship

Sorry i'm replying late, i've seen the interview pop up on Youtube but honestly i was too invested in university shit recently & generally not in the good mood for that but i'm planning to watch. How did it change your view on Queen Adreena, did he say something mean specifically on QA or Katie? I mean i gotta watch it but honestly? Not surprised in the slightest. A few years ago he was asked to describe fave songs he recorded throughout the years and he listed more of Daisy Chainsaw ones than anything else, with Love Your Money as number 1. The differences in their points of view are real something, Katie Jane absolutely HATED Love Your Money, same as Daisy Chainsaw. Kinda apparent he wanted bigger fame but DC dropped fast and QA failed to live up to their predictions.

i had a time when i liked to dig up old Queen Adreena interviews that are lost in the old internet & generally not available for years (which i planned to post on is-she-suffering but my investment in that site is... varied in its intensity). Also that was back in the days when i wrote Queen Adreena book during manic phase and tried to sell it but lost motivation Well since i don't do anything with that knowledge anyway i'll put what i know here as i love fan discussions

So they sure had/have odd back and forth love-hate relationship & that's the reason why their career went how it went. There's been a huge tension between them at some point. I'm sure you know she had a major mental breakdown (probably schizophrenic episode) after Daisy Chainsaw, or even beginning before her leaving, and then she went into isolation and lived with an old woman in Lake District for awhile. She left Daisy Chainsaw cause Crispin didn't want her to come up with her own songs (all of DC was by Crispin except for Lovely ugly brutal world by KJ).

They almost split up as Queen Adreena after Drink Me. The material for The Butcher and The Butterfly was written at different times, originally it was meant to be called Atom Bomb at Bikini but it was constantly delaying and they eventually recorded everything they've got live. So that's obvious right? But i was surprised to find out they were writing songs separately. Some of them (i forgot which though) were written by Katie Jane and Pete Howard's sons band (they're even credited) + some with Melanie Garside, Richard Adams + some other musician. Katie Jane didn't like it. They intended it to be their last album at the time. She also hated live at ICA show but they released it cause they were broke

But that's a digression. I just wanna say that at this point they were done with each other but kept pushing it. Katie had her own art projects and stuff, Crispin started Dogbones with Nomi and i just remember how vaguely pissed at Katie he waas in the interviews. Like he stressed that Dogbones is his number one priority and if Katie wants to do something with Queenadreena, she must wait til Dogbones have a break first or something, and it sounded oddly bitter.

RaCH and Djinn era are just so weird, they had opportunities but let them go in a way. I don't think many people know but they were huge demand in Japan. They entered album charts and were interviewed by 11 magazines and 6 (!)TV stations there (wtf happened to that material i want to know???). But they only played 5 times or less.

Katie said she considers the band dead but they decided they can try to play for a couple more months. But aside from that she 100% lost the interest in the band around Djinn. There's an interview where she says "the overall image is Crispin but the shape will change again at rehearsals". And you can hear it, it’s more blues rock than anything. IMO it's their worst production wise. Instruments are fine but Katie's voice is so badly produced that sometimes i find some songs fucking irritating, cause they didn’t cut out her breaths and the vocals are TOO LOUD, to the point of distorting. As if she stands too close to the mic. The album is fine but it feels unfinished.

And here we come back to Crispin... here's what he said after the QA split:

Why the Dogbones started? “I needed to work more than the previous band I was in was working, the previous band who shall remain nameless, haha… um… Queenadreena. I wanted to work more than the singer of Queenadreena wanted to work… so that’s why it started. Fine by me… but I really like to be in a band, I’m not a solo project kind of guy. The last album (‘Djin’) did come out in the UK, but it was so low key because Katie kind of disappeared so there was little point in promoting it. Personally it’s my favourite by far so it was a shame but there you go… So here are Dogbones, it’s not been an easy ride but we are trying very hard.

Ok so the bitterness is kinda apparent isn't it. I think there were two reasons why they argued so much, first musical differences. Katie at some point lost interest in loud rock music for some years and went the folk way in Ruby Throat. I have a theory that Taxidermy and Drink Me are more influenced by Katie Jane and Butcher and Djinn are more Crispin. During first albums i think Katie more actively took part in music composition and choosing arrangements. She wrote lyrics, melodies but also composed a lot of songs on some little electronic keyboard thing and 4 track (Heavenly Surrender, Pray for me, My Silent Undoing, all Lalleshwari +more). Plus she wanted more peaceful/dreamy sound on Taxidermy than full on rock, Crispin complained about it in some 00's interview, that he'd like it to be more rock. Then there are 2 versions of Drink Me, the original has rough and alt versions of songs (it was sold by Katie and it's leaked on FB and probably YT). Crispin Gray apparently really hated the final Drink Me. Now next album is The Butcher & The Butterfly and it's more standard blues rock, no more crazy dreamy things of previous albums etc., Djinn is even more blues rock but darker. Djinn was his favourite at some point while KJ hated Butcher, not sure about Djinn. So i think they had different views on where they should go, Katie made her weird simplistic creepy tunes (like Lalleshwari) and folk melodies adding that strange things to noise rock. Crispin probably wanted blues & rock.

Other than that, i’m convinced they are bitter exes, lol. There’s been rumours about them dating during Daisy Chainsaw for years, plus Katie had a history of dating band members. Crispin wrote X-ing off the days about her. I don’t know if they dated again in Queen Adreena. Then there’s this interview, timeline is unclear, either The butcher & the butterfly or later:

„Katie writes all the songs herself and often looks for melodies and structure with the drummer. With Crispin - her husband or ex-husband, which is not entirely clear to me - for almost three years she has no longer been in a room. "Sometimes we send him a letter with a new song and that's all we can do. All we have are our lungs and our musical talent and we have to do with it. It is repugnant difficult life, I know most of the time how I should deal with it." But Queenadreena will still remain even exist? "I think so, we are now pretty busy and I see where the ship aground.”

I always wondered what exactly happened after Djinn, i’ve seen Katie Jane say „i think they gave up on me” while others said she disappeared. Other times CG said there’s no bad blood between them but at the same time there’s been some weird tension.  As of recent i thought they reconnected somehow through the internet and had a good relation but who really knows.s

I get why Crispin gets irritated when people compare everything he does to „stealing from KJ” but honestly, he gave them good reasons, at least in the 90’s. I can believe Starsha Lee singer isn’t copying Katie cause she’s from Brazil or something and she didn’t know Queen Adreena before. But everything else… Crispin’s problem is that he doesn’t know what he wants. He spent 90’s chasing something, tried singing himself, had girl singer replacements and even one KJ copy. Dogbones was ironically his most original non-Katie band, even with all their grunge influences. In a way he wants to be a frontman and at the same time doesn’t. Idk if he’s very controlling, but Daisy Chainsaw shows he valued his songs/lyrics first & in Queen Adreena he had to step back a lot, cause Katie’s condition was she would be in charge of the lyrics. I don’t think he realizes how strongly Daisy Chainsaw issues affected Katie, i mean from her own words you can read that aside from media attention/hate, her being unable to write lyrics had a role in her breakdown. I think she now let go but for years she hated remembering Daisy Chainsaw and she felt kind of worthless cause she was only somebody else’s mouthpiece. I’m not trying to say he’s cruel or anything, but i firmly believe rock lyrics writers should sing their own songs or else there are problems.

They both were writers-composers with different vision and i have impression they struggled a lot while shaping their songs, cause they both stuck to their ideas. Hence 2 versions of Princess Carwash maybe. Katie once said that he „gets terribly upset with her” cause she writes her songs on a simple wind organ and uses a few chord buttons only. Clash of writer ways/personalities/egos and at some point they had to let go.

Maybe he prefers music/bands where he was 100% in control including lyrics (note he wrote/sang some lyrics in Dogbones too). Daisy Chainsaw achieved bigger success US and UK wise as they were offered to play Top of The Pops, and they’re more well liked/remembered by „general alt public”. Queen Adreena however is way more valued as a cult band, with cult following and admiration in UK & France. Most people think Pretty Like Drugs and other QA songs are his best work and he probably finds it irritating cause truth is, he never managed to be more successful than Daisy Chainsaw/Queenadreena. Love Your Money is ironically the least Crispin Gray/DC/QA sounding song in my opinion. I kinda find it irritating that he downplays Queen Adreena cause it was probably his best work in this band but whatever

So yeah sorry for the word spill, that’s what i can think of it right now but as i said, i haven’t watched the interview yet, it’s just this kind of treatment is in a way consistent for him

[cwopf]

MY THEORY OF GILLOVNY

What if these two actually are together in real life. What if it IS a possibility. As lunatic as it seems, I can’t help but think about it. I have a life of my own, believe me, yet I keep coming back to this thought every once in a while, because I admit I’ve never seen anything like it before and I am not someone who gives even a flying fuck about celebrities. But these two make me wonder and I don’t know what is it about them, but I somehow want to believe in them.

What if their undeniable chemistry truly is real and their love is so much more than just a friendship.

What if Peter Morgan truly is nothing but a colleague and some kind of publicity she caught herself in, because even with all the “proof” of them being a couple, something just doesn’t sit right.

Her behavior, the gestures around him, it just doesn’t seem like a well loved, happy beyond dream kinda woman, I don’t physically see it. I truly don’t get the “love of my life” vibe. Do you?

Stiff, reserved and all in all a bit cold even, they truly make me wonder if it might be just a PR stunt. And, look, if I saw her crazy happy with a guy I’d be happy for her, totally. But, this? Nah, I don’t buy this shit.

Which, when I look back at all the gillovny moments, as crazy as it was, makes me believe that it was more than just an acted out exaggeration. And not even just a deep, year long friendship.

What if it truly passed all of that and became a romance at some point, and a big one. It certainly did look like it at a time. And while it currently looks like it had already ended, it made me think - what if that’s the point?

It takes a fool not to notice their ways towards each other, and even with all the denials, which sure make it hard to believe, when you see it for yourself it naturally comes as a possibility. It seems like a waste not to pursue something like that.

If we go back to the hints. The random sightings. Some might be made up, I am sure, but then some seem just crazy accurate.

What’s with the random dates in their lives, how can it all be so synchronized. Is it just random luck or is it an ode or a message to one another of some sort?

Why were they spotted in the same places so many times, randomly and out of their professional time together. Why the visits on sets, the airport sightings, the deleted tweets that seemed to reveal a little bit too much, the supposed holiday trips to the same destinations.

Why do people in the biz say stuff like “You mean Gillian and David? They’re not married, but they have been together for a while now.” Why does a random person (who apparently works for tv) on fb wish them a happy bday, then posts about how they have been together for a while now and how it was a nice surprise. And why would someone just say that out of the blue? Yep, it probably meant nothing. But, again. What if there was some truth to that? And that was only a fucking year ago.

How do two people accidentally get crippled at the same time? Also the stories from that same event, of how they love each other and their gestures towards one other, them arriving together and entering separately? What the hell are people noticing? Wasn’t she already kinda supposedly taken by then?

Why does she always wear the link bracelet, she wore it in their “good times” and it truly seems like a gift from D, which, of course, we will never know matter of fact, but it just feels like it. She has it on constantly, it seems so telling. She also wears it on red carpets with PM all the time and on almost every photoshoot. What IF it is from DD, wouldn’t that say something?

Also the necklace with a link he once wore on the stage of one of his concerts, could that very link be a part of her chain? If yes, then that is some deeply romantic shit.

Also the recent interviews, one in particular comes to mind. First, her mentioning her supposed boyfriend subtly and only saying the name out loud when asked about it, then proceeding to talk about her “partner” and telling a story of how they were talking about the aging process, but how they respect it because they are both going through it. Why does it feel like the mentioned totally fits someone else, like she’d discuss such a thing with someone who has been a part of her life for a long time and she had inevitably experienced this process with during the years. Does this click for anyone else too, or am I crazy and making up shit?

This was the moment when I stopped to think if just maybe there was a crazy possibility of David still being in her life.

Why does she speak about it being so good not living with her man and how she doesn’t see him that often, but when she does it’s special and it works for them.

While she must have been seeing her “current man” on set all the time. Do you notice how a lot of stuff that are supposedly about PM just don’t add up? Also, again, does the story make you think about someone else as well?

Also, have to throw this in here. The Christmas Jonathan Ross show. The sudden David (dick) reference. The Rob Lowe (apparently a good friend of David’s) saying “not far off from what I’ve been told” then both of them giggling together, almost as if an inside joke. The kind that gives off the vibe of making you wonder if the size thing’s something she’d accidentally blab out and brag about jokingly at some dinner party they once shared.

Why does she usually not give a fuck about half the stuff said, yet she would feel so shaken by people’s disbelief to publicly put it out on twitter about PM being the “love of her life” just to defend that idea? Why does it not seem like her at all? Why do I feel making a joke or being sarcastic about it would fit her more?

Is her SM being totally under control?

Maybe the penis and yoni of the day (along with Nelson) are one of the rare outlets right now, even that being some pre-approved idea for having it seem like she’s being her regular self, cause that’s something that we know fits her character.

But when you think about it, it is still a mini subtle commercial for SexEd. Which I love, yet...Netflix. Again.

Also, the constant mentioning of Netflix along with PM in her stories, desperately trying to fit him somewhere. Like the “what do you eat during quarantine” and bam: “when me and Pete hosted a dinner we froze a chocolate cake...” Riiight. Is it just me, or does it seem like trying way too hard?

Which makes me think of all the contrary. If we go back to the past Gillovny fuckery...“he’s in the shower” and “I’m with schmoopie” shirts and “chewie’s girlfriend” and the twitter saga. What if it was intentionally done that way to make people think “what if”, but obviously take it as a joke, because of course that’s what it is. But was it? Maybe they just knew no one would truly buy it so they could play around for a little bit and actually be a couple for a minute, make out on Kimmel and fuck around on twitter. Propaganda? Maybe.

Some truth in that? God damn it, almost feels like it. Sure felt way more natural, sexy and loving than any of the stuff going on today.

What if we hate MP for no reason, what if she’s just truly a fucking assistant, a help and nothing but it. What if G hugged her after the play in London out of gratitude, because she’s just a prop they need to act this shit out. What if it’s all a big shitshow, but a shitshow nonetheless.

What if I will say the silliest shit of all time and boldly assume...that behind all of this which we do not understand, D&G are still together and fine. What if it was meant to feel like the end to us. But they are there, in secret, because it’s somehow better for them, because they prefer it that way.

What if the shoe pic of “working from home in my Dune London shoes” a day prior to his 60th birthday is just another way to turn people away from that idea and subtly make them not even question anything, while in reality she is with him, somewhere, celebrating his 60th birthday. And things are much brighter for them than what they seem.

I might be so wrong, so off. But something is going on in the background and there are way too many things I do not buy.

Also, it was honestly more probable to me that they were once together, but fell apart somewhere along the way, I believed that and it totally seemed like a probable scenario.

Until the very subtle, yet interesting stuff that have been going on made me question it again, maybe it’s silly, but when I connect the dots, like the constant bracelet wearing, the talking about a partner and not mentioning the name, but referencing stuff that feel completely Gillovny, aging with someone, long distance shit, random people still stating “they have been together for a while now, nice surprise”. Maybe it’s a load of bullshit, but it also just makes it seem like he still might be there, somewhere, after all.

How the hell did I end up here? I ask myself this constantly. I still have no idea.

Yes, it is so fucking crazy. But this is where I leave this at.

[saybees]

I just remembered the shit that went on with my cousins several years ago and now I'm mad at them again.

My older cousin, L, had seen a post I'd made on fb where I was complaining about the emotional abuse I was receiving from my parents, mostly my mother, and she showed her dad, who is a dickhead and he then had the post saved to his phone (my fb was private btw and my uncle should not have had access to the post at all) and he cornered my parents at the grocery store and was being a prick to them and showed them this post of mine. My mother then guilted me about it and told me that it was lies and I wasn't being abused and to delete the post and that I had hurt her, blah blah blah, and it ultimately destroyed my relationship with my parents and ever since then it's been near impossible to get along with them. My cousin refused to apologize to me and defended her father by saying he was just worried and she was worried about me and all this bullshit, but the way he went about it was not at all in a concerned way, he used it as a weapon against my parents for no reason other than he hates them. Anyway, I took all my cousins off my fb after that because this wasn't the first time one of them had snitched on me for something I had posted privately. One could argue maybe I shouldn't post that kind of thing on fb, but I was an angry teen and recognized I was being treated unfairly, and it wasn't like the post was public, it was only visible to people who were supposed to be my fucking friends and my FAMILY. I had nobody to talk to and I just needed to get it out. My own family took it and weaponized it against me.

So, years go by and I haven't spoken to my cousins in a long while. I messaged S, L's younger sister who is the same age as my younger sister. We used to be really close when we were kids and my sister and I had felt that S had kinda pushed us aside and didn't want anything to do with us anymore and that felt hurtful. S and I talked for a while and the thing with L and their dad had come up and S decided to defend her sister and her father and again argue that they were just concerned for me, not taking into account at all what ended up happening with my parents and how it ruined our relationship and ended up subjecting me to even more emotional abuse.

I ended up having to block her and completely stop talking to my entire extended family. I have massive trust issues because of this. I don't tell any of my family members jack shit anymore because of this.

It's pretty fucked up to me that family members will just turn around and pull this kind of shit and then defend themselves when it made things worse. Like it literally made the entire thing a hundred times worse for me. I was gaslit by my parents, emotionally manipulated and abused, and made to feel as though I was the bad guy and my mother was the victim despite that I was the one being abused and my parents still treat me this way. I barely call them or talk to them anymore because of the crappy treatment. I was honestly so relieved that I had an excuse to not see them last Christmas (covid). I haven't seen them in a year and I honestly prefer it that way. The less time I spend with them the happier I tend to be. I do miss them to an extent and I wouldn't mind seeing them again, but I certainly don't want to spend more than a couple days with them. Even that is tough.

It just really bothers me that I had such a good relationship with my cousin S and now I don't get to have any relationship with her at all because they don't care that their actions ended up making things worse instead of better, even if they did have good intentions, it doesn't matter if things were made worse. Good intentions don't mean shit when I'm being emotionally abused over it. All I wanted from them was an apology and I would have forgiven, but they refused to give me any inkling of one. I really hope they recognize what they did at some point. I really fucking hope that one day it hits them that they did me wrong. All I did was vent to people who were supposed to be my friends because I needed to get it off my chest and it turned around and ruined everything. I hope they feel bad about it.

I guess be careful what you post online, but at the same time you'd hope that you can trust your friends and family. I guess that just isn't true. You can't trust anyone. And I don't, tbh...

[nancypullen]

What’s Up, Buttercup?

It seems like forever since I’ve posted on the ol’ blog,but I’ve been waiting for something to happen that was worth writing about.  And waiting....and waiting...and waiting.   Let’s face it, nothing is happening.  The days all run together and look the same.  What day is it? Oh, it’s Blursday again.  I suppose I’ve been a bit down in the dumps.  Not really blue, just weary.  I’m so tired - tired of the headlines screaming worse news every day (another surge!), tired of political ads that tell the most preposterous lies as if we’re all idiots, and tired of straining my eyes to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I miss my friends, I miss my family, and I miss Home Goods and Sephora (there, I said it).  I miss normal. That said, I never forget how fortunate we are.  So far all of my family is healthy and the pandemic hasn’t impacted our sources of income. That alone makes my whining seem selfish and shallow.  I get it.  I should be thanking my lucky stars, and most nights I am.  I’m sure that others can relate.  This relentless sense of heaviness can crack even the most cheerful among us.  We’re allowed to feel it.  Wouldn’t you know that just when I was feeling so unsettled and weary, an unexpected package arrived.  This person gets me.

A dear friend surprised me with Agatha, the world’s BEST spoon holder and steam releaser.  I was so tickled when I opened this that I made a pot of soup just to give her a whirl.  Agatha and I are now BFFs and if you think she’s only getting used during the spooky season, think again.  She is FAB-U-LOUS and she is now a fixture in my kitchen.  Thank you, Leesa, you have no idea how much your thoughtful gesture meant to me. Instant happiness! I’m also trying to draw joy from this beautiful season.  The trees are changing daily and if there’s anything more beautiful than autumn, I don’t know what it is.  If I’m asked my favorite color I will answer with pink, because you can’t just say fall.   Fall is like living inside a treasure chest filled with gold, rubies, topaz, and garnets, with a scattering of sapphires for the sky.  Just on our little patch you can find every one of those colors.  Yellow and red leaves flutter to the ground in a daily dance.  Deep garnet mums and fat, orange pumpkins sit on the porch and at the mailbox.  I love it all!

That lantern is filled with fairy lights that twinkle at night!  The table linen is just an old pillow case that I added trim to - I’ll flip it over and add trim to the other end for a Christmas table. ha!  Use what ya’ got, right? The porch railings look the same - a container on each side.

A couple of mums, a few pansies, and some pumpkins dressed up the mailbox.  I left the Russian Sage in place when I pulled up the summer flowers.  It was still in bloom, but I may cut it down now that it’s looking kind of ghostly behind those mums.  I kept everything cheap and easy this year, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty and pleasing.  Those mums at the mailbox were $4.98 but they’ll bring me a million bucks worth of happiness.   Posting these pics just helped me to realize why I was a bit glum.  This is usually the time of year that we travel.  It doesn’t help that Facebook (ugh,I hate FB!) is constantly offering up “memories from 2 (3,4,5,6) years ago” along with a photo I snapped at some wonderful spot.  My internal calendar says I should be packing a bag. I think the pics of Salem hit the hardest, it’s my favorite October haunt.  Pun intended.   This is where I remind myself that I’m fortunate to have a home and shouldn’t complain about being in it.

I haven’t put out much Halloween decor in the aforementioned home this year. I used to smother this place in witches and candy jars and pumpkins.  Mickey doesn’t need the candy, I can’t trust a certain cat not to knock over all of my witches...

...so it’s mostly pumpkins. My kitchen window has a bit of cheer and a Halloween countdown (obviously snapped last week).

And in the living room I added this nonsense. 

Why yes, I was watching a true crime show - aren’t I always?  Anywho, I thought the cats weren’t interested in the Halloween banner and that all was safe.  Then I noticed this...

one rosette is missing from a little flag.  I thought perhaps it had fallen off, but I have looked everywhere and can’t find it.  It’s been carried off by one of the borrowers in this house.  They don’t act one bit sorry and they’re not talking.

A dog would have the decency to look guilty. It’s time for me to set this laptop aside and make some dinner for the mister.  I promised him stuffed peppers so that’s what he’ll get.  That’s not my favorite so I think I’ll skip it and just have a turkey sandwich.  That means leftovers for his lunch tomorrow - win,win!  So there you go, a missive from my oddball little corner of the world.  If these crazy times are getting to you as well, take a break from it.  We can’t escape everything that’s happening, but we can give ourselves a break.  Take a walk and soak up the gorgeous season. Create a pretty fall planter for a porch or window, or just treat yourself to a cookie and a good book.  Let the world turn without you for a bit.  It’ll be fine.  We don’t have to carry the weight in our hearts all the time, rest if you need to and pick it back up when you can.  There are enough of us to carry it.  Be kind to yourself, be generous with yourself, restore yourself.  

I think we all need some peace. Sending you lots of love. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 8

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 211: I stayed up till 5am last night. The last thing I watched was Ronny Chieng, a Malaysian comic in the states. It was a Netflix comedy special and bloody funny. Other than that, a quiet night, nowhere near as fucked as Friday night. As I type, I am about to finish off spicy af sausage cassserole for tea and watch a film - all quite sedate. I’ve work tomorrow, after all!

Day 212: Every time I try and watch something on Amazon Prime, it errors or doesn’t load so I have to uninstall and reinstall, which is a pain the fucking arse. Glad I don’t pay for it. I watched half of the Tom Hanks film last night, A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood, based on a real life children’s TV actor. It’s good but weird. I’ll finish it tonight. Jo Broom called and told me (well, reminded me of, actually) some good info, especially about insulin lasting 4 hours and the liver producing sugar for when you wake up). Day 213: I didn’t watch the rest of that Tom Hanks film last night, doing so right now. I got a call @5.30pm from Tall Tom asking to pop round which he did (social-distancing at the front door). He dropped of a canvas print he’d ordered of on eof my pictures from FB. Fucking gobsmacked! That’s how much he likes them. I am still in shock. What a brilliant thing to do! Day 214: Finished  A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood last night, I enjoyed it. Today has been standard. Half way through the third week back from furlough and, while I am still very glad to be working, I now also relish pasrt of being paid 80% for fuck all! My walks have been tentative today, I have done something to my right ankle, it feels sore but OK when walking at pace. My phone and Google Fit are playing up - I am suddenly walking 8km/h! Day 215: Phoned Dad - Rita sent an email a couple of days ago telling of a lump in his ear which he had removed and they are going to check for cancer. When I spoke with him it was usual dad - nothing to worry about. He spoke very highly of the staff at Stamford Hospital where he had it done. They took skin from his nesxk to put on his ear lobe where they performed the op.  I had pie and veg tonight. It’s a real change and I am stuffed as I type this. SB pee-ed me off at work big time late this afternoon. Diary updated! Day 216: Dan’s in court today for his drink driving escapade. I think he’s pleading not guilty - I’m not sure, neither has he been each time I have talked to him about it. It was scheduled at 4pm and he’s meant to let me know how it went. As I type, it’s just gone 9pm. Fuck knows what’s happening. I guess he’ll let me know in his own time. Meanwhile, work was OK, nothing hectic, I am on my first Friday beer, just about to eat meatballs and pasta and watch Taxi, a film written by Luc Besson. End of my 3rd week back and it’s a bit like I wasn’t furloughed for 6 months!

Day 217: I switched off that Taxi film after 30 minutes. It was bollocks. Dan got a 20 month ban (reduced to 15, if he does a course, which he says he will) and £1100 fine. At least it’s over and done with now. I got up at gone 2pm today. I have to cut this late sleeping habit out at the weekends. That being said, it’s 8.40pm, just about to dive in the shower, eat and then get on it. Clocks go back later so I’ve an extra hour to play with!

Day 218: Still managed to stay up stupidly late last night, up at before 1pm (but in real terms, that’s just before 2pm!)  Had a video chat with Fog - I was meant to go up to his yesterday to listen to the footy but, ‘cos I was up so late, I didn’t. Anyway, during our chat, we’ve decidied to go to Honolulu when it’s safe, specifically to go to McDs. It was a bizarre conversation - I can’t actually remember the details!

Day 219: The lady (I think it’s a lady) from the Oundle Chronicle emailed to say she didn’t think William (the student) has contacted me (he has but is fucking useless), so she’s found some questions for me to answer and wants me to pick my favourite 4 (hi-res) photos. I’ve written a couple of paragraphs that answer her questions and I was to pick photos that have had the most likes on FB - finding that info out, without trawling back over my posts, is easier said than done! Got the car tyres sorted today - an advisory from the MOT that Julian did last week.. I do like Oundle Tyre and Exhaust centre. Work was fine. Marke had to deal with Eileen Baxter and chatted to me about it. I had it all the week before last. She’s delightful but the least IT savvy person I have ever known in a workplace whereby a computer is integral to the role!

Day 220: I’ve been doing press-ups and toe tocuhes after each exercise for a little while now. 7 press-ups, doesn’t sound much but when I did it before and rapidly increased the numbers (up to 22), it played havoc with my shoulder which I thought was becoming frozen. So, I will icrease the amount slowly. I can just about touch my toes now. When I started, I barely got past my fucking knees! Work was standard today and I had an interesting chat with a recruiter about a job at Jagex, a computer game firm responsible for Runescape which is, apparently, a big deal. Posh playing tonight. At one point, when leading at home to Burton we were top. Now it’s 2-2 with minutes to go and we’re third with fucking Lincoln top. Day 221: I sent an email to Shirley from HR (re) asking about the salary discrepancy between mine and Mark’s. She’s going to talk to me tomorrow about it. I had a lomng chat with Barrzy tonight, always good to catch up and reminisce. I’ve just had two sausage rolls (on the cheap shelf from Co-Op, Dauphinoise dotatoes (ditto), mixed green veg and onion gravy for tea and I am fucking stuffed.

Day 222: Typing at gone 4pm on day 223! Had a meet with Shirley. No dice on the pay until it can be reviewed next year. All pay reviews are on hold. She explained that the salary offer was based on available budget rather than a pay grade or bench mark. Day 223: Typing this very late on day 224. Usual Friday. Work, beers, bed at 5am. went up Fog’s for a couple and watched Train to Busan. Day 224: I swore blind, when I woke and got up (2.24pm) I would have a day off from exercise. Stair climb and 10km walk done! Leigh from Oundle Chronicle messaged chasing my answers for the article. Last night, someone posted such great pics on the Oundle Chatter group that it makes me think twice about posting my photos. I tell everyone I just point and snap with my phone camera and, while it is the phone camera, I do so much pissing about with Google photos I feel like a con, it doesn’t sit well with me. Made lasagne for tea. Fucking lush - lardons, scothc bonnet and an Oxo cube really helped, I think. It’s 11:44pm as I type, 15 mins and I’ll deliver K’s birthday card. Not sure what I am hoping to come out of that, really. Just can’t let go! Day 225: Stupidly late one again last night. Up at 2pm. I’ve responded to Leigh at the Oundle Chronicle - why I make it so hard, I do not know, I really overthink some things.  Eye appointment tomorrow, 9.50am, which Sam, Mr. Minos’s secretary offered me when she called on friday. Sueanne was very cool about it when I checked it was OK. So, now I am fretful of what will happen! More lasering, I reckon.

Day 226: Eye clinic was not great. I need lasering in my right eye, so that will be both eyes. Mr. Hussain, the consultant that ive seen loads including today, explained that the field of vision is affected that it can mean I am not allowed to drive. In one eye it doesn’t matter, in both the DVLA will order a test and, if the field isn’t wide enough, means I won’t get a license to drive. Shit! K WhatsApp to thank me for the card plus some ‘chat’ which ended uninvitingly (i.e., end of conversation!). I just replied that I was glad she liked it (the card),

Something is up with my left thumb, it’s sore by the nail, as if it’s ingrowing, but it isn’t. Fuck knows what it is and it’s really bothering me, very painful. Pretty shit day, all in all. Day 227: Called the surgery about my thumb and Dr. leijsen called me back, asked some questions about the photo (I had to take a pic and send it in), including whether there’s any pus, and then said she’ll prescribed anti-biotics. Later today, it started to leak pus, and feel better! But, it’s still not right so I’‘l take the course. Looks like I have got an interview for the IT support job at Jagex, got a call from the recruiter today, just need confirmation. Spoke with Shirley from HR about the fact I might not be able to drive in the future. She was pretty cool about it in a kind of cross-that-bridge way and suggested I run it past Sueanne.

Day 228: Spoke with Sueanne about my impending eye lasering which is on Friday ay 3.30pm, the hospital called to let me know, she was very cool about it and even suggested I take Monday off! More importantly, she spoke of the non-driving as no factor to worry about job wise, especially as we are all WfH nowadays. I have an interview at Jagex, well, Zoom, but it is on Friday, 1pm.

Day 229: Told Mark at work about the lasering adn potential non-driving. I think it shocked him a little. I am worried about tomorrow, big time, although it’s just lasering - I’ve had it done before. I cannot wait for this time tomorrow (9.40pm). I have been trying to concentrate on preparing for the interview but it’s all too easy to get distracted. Day 230: Interview went OK. Eye appointment was horrible but bearable. The doc wants me to book in for more laser but, only so it can be reviewed and ‘topped up’ if need be. Better than a going for a check up and having to book another laser appointment thereafter. It’s near enough 9.00pm and I am going to enjoy a bear or two.

Day 231: No after affects to speak of from the eye appointment but I know lasering has occurred. It’s like I haven’t got the full set of cells recieve information from yje pupil. It’s intangible but still perceptible. Great walk today, took some cracking photos - very pleasing. More booze and draw tonight and, hopefully, up tomorrow before the 2.20pm wake up time of today. Posh beat Oxford away (1-2) in the FA Cup 1st round.

Day 232: 2pm by the time I got out of bed. I’ve got to curb this habit. Missed calls from Dad but answered one from Rita just before going for a walk when I promised to phone tomorrow. Day 233: I think SB wa surprised was at work today. I ordered two rugs (from irugs.co.uk). They are 8x5″ and were 75% off, £58 ea. One for under the table (desk) and I put one in the spare room. Hopefully keep the house a tad warmer. Getting into Barry on Sky Comedy. Barry’s a hit man. It’s darkly intriguing. I took a couple of pics of a solitary poppy today, icuding a couple of macros. They turned out OK so will post one on Wednesday (11/11).  Talking of photos, two people (one is Alison Brighty) asked for a jpeg of one of the photos I posted on Saturday so they can get it printed. 

Day 234: Spoke with dad today, let him know the situation with my eyes which, I think worries him, so I hate to do it but, also, he needs to know, just in case.

Day 235: The poppy pic I posted was very well received, over 160 likes on the Oundle chatter page and Jo Langford wants the original (why she can’t take it of FB?) to print off, which is nice. I am working on Saturday - gotta attend a meeting at 8am. FFS! SB also agreed for me to back on call, cool!

Day 236: Average sort of day. I really wish I wasn’t working on Saturday! OH, Dan messaged...first I’ve heard from him for over two weeks...he’s got two days of so he can watch all the US Masters which started today, and was good watching. So, not that average a day afterall, now that I think back on it. Day 237: Woke up at 9.14am today, yikes! Messaged with Dan a lot as he is home watching the US Masters...told him abbout my eye issues and the fact there’s a chance of losing my driving license. Also, in a silly facebook post and comments, about me not being able to drink tonight ‘cos of work tomorrow, Scottish Ricky asked if I was OK. I replied, not really, meaning that I’m pissed off I can’t get pissed. He messaged to say if I ever need to chat. Fucking great bloke. I rang him to let him know I was not being serious on FB and we chatted for 30 mins or so. Top man. still, it does remian that I am missing a beer this Friday - roll on tomorrow night!

Day 238: Work thsi morning was OK, finished at midday. Watchung golf, having abeer or two right now (just gone 8pm). Posh lost away to Crewe 0-2. Day 239: Up at 2pm after a good few drinks last night (and some silly video posting on FB of me  trying shit lager - Corrs Light - with hot sauce). Just settling down to watch Dustin Johnson win the Masters - he’s -20 with 2 to play, no one near him.

Day 240: I ordered some slippers from Amazon that arrived today. They were also returned today. I’m destined to never find a decent, non-expensive pair.

DJ did win the golf.

I watched Jojo Rabbit this evening. A first class film.

[szopenhauer]

Do you have a certain sense that’s stronger in recalling memories? it depends, my strongest sense is smell, especially when it comes to Nat, he is triggered by touch a lot too but temperatures and weights don’t bother him much as well as thirst/hunger/wanting to pee while the new guy is all about everything being itchy for him or getting cold quickly, hearing and sight (Nat has vision problems though) are huge triggers to me too but I often don’t feel things with my fingers, I’m used to pain and everything taste sour to me due to GERD

Do you spend a lot of time editing your themes and layouts on various social media websites? nooo, I had a phase on that just once when I added some buttons and a pointer/cursor to my old tumblr, omg I miss those! on fb I change my profile pic and background sometimes

Is there an author you’ll read absolutely anything by and if so, what about this author’s writing makes you love them so much? no

What was the last song you listened to about, or what can you guess that it’s about? last song I (Nat) listened to was Red eyes by Thomas Azier and of course it was about loving someone who doesn’t like you back I think

What’s the longest period of time you’ve gone without taking surveys? months? believe it or not :P

What mood are you most likely in if you’re taking a survey and do you usually have to be in a specific mood to take them or do you take them whenever? I’d say I take them whenever but not when I’m at my worst (not that my usual is any good) obvi as it’s impossible then to accomplish such a thing

Have you ever felt that a personality test described you accurately and do you believe in those types of tests or do you take them just for fun? I take them for fun but they might surprise you with accuracy at times ;)

What’s a survey question that’s asked often that you actually like answering? I try not to repeat answers so I prefer new questions unless it’s like “what shirt do you wear today” because it changes hahaha

Do you ever get a certain word stuck in your head and then you say that word every five minutes for the next month? yep

Do you have a sensitive gag reflex? very, once I almost bitten the dentist’s finger off and when I’m going to local doctor she knows that checking my throat is a nightmare 

Have you ever had an online argument? shitload

Do you like to listen to music while filling out surveys? not every single time but yeah

Do you ever eat/drink while you fill them out? not eat unless I fill survey couple of hours pfft

Have you ever done a survey whilst high or drunk? How’d it go? not applicable

Are you at risk for any medical issues? sadly

The general subject of your last text conversation? me complaining :(  sorry I hate myself...

Is there anything near you that’s considered dangerous? everything kind of can be I suppose

Do you ever do surveys at other peoples’ houses? nooooo

Do any of your friends know you fill out surveys? mhm

Do you tend to answer with only a phrase or word, or do you elaborate? prefer to elaborate when possible but usually there’s nothing to add as asks are too simple

Has anyone ever told you that you needed to get a life?  ...

Is anything in your hair right now, like gel, hairspray, &etc? nothing

How do you typically style your hair? Does it take long? I leave it be, Nat pushes hair to the back and tie it frequently if too long, recently he used water in public restroom to style hair, I like wearing hats, I will write more about alters’ hairstyles and such soon in an individual post (I plan to)

Would you try to be a hero in a hostage situation?

When were you last offered something illegal? few years ago - job

Did you accept or decline that offer? decline

Do you like wearing sunglasses? Why or why not? Nat does, he thinks he look cooler in them and he checks out girls without them noticing lmfao

Name the last person that made you laugh? M.

Have you ever seen somebody get shot? not irl

[this-lioness]

So like... it’s been a really weird fucking couple of days.

I thought about password protecting this, ‘cause not everybody needs to know everybody else’s shit, but I’ll try to summarize in a way that doesn’t incriminate anyone.  Not that I think anybody cares.  This is gonna be super fucking long, so hold onto your butts.

Husband and I belong to a smallish but close circle of friends.  We all largely met one another through one another, if that makes sense.  Like, Person A and Person B meet Persons C and D, then A and B meet E, who has a lot in common with D, and they become friends, and then C’s roommate F starts tagging along to stuff, and now we’re all bowling together or some shit like that.  So when someone in the group meets someone new, and gets along with them, it’s a pretty sure thing that sooner or later they’re just going to be part of the group eventually.

This has worked out really well for us. But... there have been some exceptions.

Case in point, Husband and I met and became friends with a local dude who we thought would integrate well with the group, invited him to our local NYE party, and it seemed like he was starting to blend with everyone.  But then the dude started flaking out, and the fact that at 30-something years old he was still floating from retail job to retail job, didn’t really bathe or keep himself groomed very well, was telling weird, vague lies about completely unnecessary stuff, and we were kinda like... yeah... maybe we don’t want him super involved after all.

But like, you don’t know until you try, right?

A few years ago Husband and I were tabling a local geeky convention of some kind, and we ran into this chick -- we’ll call her Selina -- who was cosplaying there with her best friend -- we’ll call him Logan.  Logan and Selina, with me so far?  They seemed nice enough, typically geeky folks that we had a good deal in common with.  We became Facebook friends with them both.

Something to note about Selina: She was married.  She was also an avid cosplayer and pretty talented makeup artist.  She posted lots of pics of herself in costume on her IG.

Something to note about Logan: In spite of the fact that Selina was married, it was painfully, excruciatingly obvious that Logan was in love Selina.  Like head-over-heels, constantly making “vaguebook” posts pining away for someone nameless who he yearned for deeply, etc.  Like... nobody ever acknowledged that it was Selina that he was in love with, because she was married and she clearly had no feelings for him, but e v e r y b o d y knew.  You couldn’t NOT know.

Not too long after we met them and connected with them on social media, one of our good, dear friends (let’s call him Jay) messaged me privately and said, “Hey, what do you know about Selina?”

Long story short, Selina was really into roleplaying.  Jay mentioned he wanted to give it a shot, and wanted to check to make sure she wasn’t, like, crazypants.  We still didn’t really know Selina all that well, but we told Jay that she seemed cool, and there was no reason to think she was crazypants.

Jay was like, “Cool,” and so Jay and Selina began roleplaying together.

Now, I myself am an avid roleplayer.  I actually offered to roleplay with Selina, but Selina kind of... blew me off?  It turned out I’m a much more long-form narrative roleplayer than she is, and -- if we’re being honest -- probably a better writer than her overall, and I think she wasn’t into that.

Since I’m being so honest, I think she also turned her nose up at the fact that I had a vagina.

Something we came to learn about Selina, the longer we knew her: She loooooooved attention from dudes.  She was a not-particularly-fit-or-attractive chick who used cosplay as a means of surrounding herself with praise and male attention. Which, good for you, you do you, but that’s kind of a thing I don’t care to associate with.

So as time went on, Marc and I kind of... not distanced ourselves from her, but sort of side-stepped away from her into the “Nah, we’re cool” camp, if you know what I mean.  Marc wasn’t one of her drooling admirers, so Selina kind of didn’t give a fuck about him.

In 2016, Marc and I announced that we wanted to do a group cosplay for Baltimore ComiCon.  We wanted to do steampunk Marvel characters.  I was going to be Scarlet Witch, Marc was going to be Colossus.  Our friend Jay was going to be Cyclops, and his wife Julie (our other very good friend) was going to be Psylocke.  Selina and Logan decided they wanted to join in as well, and we met them there in Baltimore, but we weren’t really there with them.  We walked around with them in costume for part of the con, then we all went our separate ways.

Shortly before the convention, Jay’s wife Julie brought to our attention the fact that she and Jay were having some problems, and that Selina was at the center of them.  Jay’s roleplaying with Selina, and the amount of time they spent talking one-on-one with one another, had become problematic.

I’m going to leave it at that, because I’m sure you can kinda suss out what was happening.  Suffice it to say that although it took Jay awhile to realize how his actions were hurting Julie, eventually he realized that he needed to distance himself from Selina for the good of his marriage.  Jay and Julie worked this all out between themselves and all was well again.  There was a bit of awkwardness at the convention, but then we all went our separate ways again and things seemed like they were normalized.

However, the whole thing made us side-eye Selina even harder.

A short while later, Selina divorced her husband.

Now I’m going to introduce you to Karl.

Karl was long-time best friends with Jay, and was good friends with all of us, being part of “the group”.  Karl was in a committed monogamous relationship with Karol, and had been for some time.  We were all really glad about this, because we liked Karol a ton, and frankly Karl was kind of an awkward man-child with a lot of issues, and we all felt that Karol was good for him, and helping him mature.

Throughout all of this Karl had also become friendly with Selina.

One day Karl announces to all of us that he has broken up with Karol for reasons that made no sense to any of us.  We were all very confused and upset, but tried to be supportive of both of them.

Yeah, well, it turned out that Karl had been fucking around with Selina behind Karol’s back.  He broke up with Karol, blaming it all on her, because he wanted to fuck Selina full time, and didn’t want to look like the bad guy.

When “the group” found out we all turned on Karl and were like, “NOPE,” and basically everybody stopped talking to him.  Selina eventually broke up with him, claiming that she had no idea he was in a committed relationship during this time (which is bullshit, because she could clearly see on social media that HE WAS, but whatever), but of course in cutting Karl out we all cut Selina out as well.

Some time passed.  For reasons none of us really understood, in spite of everything he’d done Karol was still in love with Karl, and they continued to live together: initially just as roommates, but apparently rekindling some kind of relationship with one another as well.

Earlier this year, very suddenly and unexpectedly, Jay died.

This came as an absolutely gutting blow to the entire group.  In the wake of his death, we all sort of let Karl back into the fold.  He seemed incredibly repentful, and he knew it was going to be a long road to regain our trust and respect, but he was contrite.

It has been a very hard year for everyone involved, for reasons that I may get into another time.

At the time that Jay died, Selina -- on her cosplaying Instagram account -- posted a budoir-style T&A pic of herself in costume, and at the bottom added, “RIP Jay”.

I’m going to say this again, as judiciously as I can: If this is your thing, good for you, you do you, but in my opinion that was beyond fucking tasteless, and fuck her.

Well.  Earlier this week, Selina killed herself.

This sent a small shockwave back through the immediate group, although it settled again quickly.  Karl is the only one left who had any even remotely positive feelings about Selina, and I’m not 100% sure how he’s taking it. He seems OK, and until he says otherwise we kinda’ have to just accept that.  If he’s mourning her, he’s fortunately got sense enough not to do it where Jay’s widow Julie can see it, so... thank goodness for that, at least.

You may remember Selina’s BFF and unrequited love, Logan.  Let’s get back to him.

Well, Logan has spent the past week melting the fuck down.  I don’t even follow the dude anymore, myself, but out of morbid curiosity I’ve checked his FB page.

Holy shit.

This is not just... mourning.  He has gone way off the deep end, calling he and Selina soulmates, as if -- in spite of the fact that she never reciprocated his feelings (publicly, anyway) -- she was as madly, head-over-heels in love with him as he was with her.  He’s also doing this in full view of Selina’s recent ex-husband, with whom Selina was still friendly, and with whom he is supposedly friends.  God bless her ex-husband for watching this unfold and not driving over and stabbing this guy to death.

Logan even went so far as to talk about the cast of characters from a roleplay he and Selina had been doing together, which included a number of “in character” children born of their two characters, and saying they were AS REAL TO THEM as real live biological children are to actual flesh-and-blood parents.

To note: HE ALREADY HAS ACTUAL REAL-LIFE BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN.

Can you fucking imagine being one of his actual kids and watching him mourn these fictional children who did not actually exist, who your Dad concocted with some chick he was obsessed with, and basically saying that these FAKE KIDS mean as much to him as you do?

Like, he actually concluded the post saying (to Selina), “Please watch over our babies until Papa can come home.” Watching this unfold has been COOCOO-NUTS BANANAS.  I have never wanted to say, “DUDE,” so much to someone before.

I don’t know why I’m writing all this, except to say I really wanted to get it all off my chest.  Part of me subscribes to the whole “don’t speak ill of the dead” thing, and like... look.  I feel for Selina’s friends and family.  I feel for her, because clearly she was troubled, and I’m sorry that she felt this was the only way out of a dark place.  But also, killing yourself doesn’t retroactively erase the shitty things you did when you were alive.  And she did a bunch of shitty things. And yeah, I know I’m probably a shittier person for saying that, but whatever.

Anyway. Like I said.  It’s been a wild fucking year. :|

[curlyshyy]

New Apartment and the same anxious energy with a while lotta guilt and regret :) (A short story by me)

I love that when I’m too lazy and sad to pull out a journal I can come on here cuz no one looks at this shit. Why do I event still have a tumblr?

The last two nights have been rough for me, as I think new happy events trigger my brain into being sad and hating myself? Of course it’s nights where I’ve had to open the bar at 9 AM the next morning. I suppose that’s the first reason I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hate my job low-key. I once loved Alamo Drafthouse. Adored it even. Then moved to this shit hole in Norrh Richland Hills which is the furthest from the Alamo way, and I’m not valued. I feel like a fuck up everyday. In a lot of ways I am. I’m functioning with severe anxiety and most people don’t know or understand. I do stupid things when I’m having a panic attack, and these managers judge me hard. But here’s the thing I know in my heart, even when I hate myself, I’m a good worker, I’m kind, and will do anything for my coworkers and will eventually get really good at this job.im dedicated to say the least. I think that’s what matters most but for now they just see me as a fuck up, slow learner. I work my ass off though and they don’t see it. If I could work every second of everyday. Ifthis shit hole wasn’t trying to cut everyone’s hours cuz they’re not making any money, i’d work myself into physical exhaustion, like I’m so good at doing. Thats the only thing I can feel. It’s my only escape and I hate being there. This is a little dramatic. My life has been improving, and yes I know I need therapy. We been knew. My ass was anxious at 5 years old. Anxiety is truly hell, I wish I’d just force myself to hurry up and get help, and I wish I wasn’t poor. I wish my mom had saw how fucked I was and made me get help as a kid, but she did the best she could. Could blame the bitch but like, she has a hard enough time accepting and coping with her own mental illness. She hardly acknowledges it. That must be hard to lie to yourself everyday, and say that you just have to choose happiness.

The reason the last two nights have been shit is cuz I stayed up dreading going to work and being there all day and I hate the fuck out of mornings and waking up before noon. Which is why I like closing and usually have night shifts. Since the fucks cut my hours I gotta take what I can get though. I need a constant distraction at night cuz my brain is literally scary as fuck. I can’t even tell anyone about 95% of it. It’s so terrifying. So I usually distract myself with my phone. But I was like “hey, brain I know we’re anxious af and sad, but can we go to sleep?” To which my brain replied : “Remember this event from two years ago? Haha you’re a terrible person.” Then my body physically stiffend, I felt physically ill and my head ached and all I could do was think about past mistakes and everything that makes me a failure and bad person. Typical manageable anxiety for me at this fucking point, I’m just not gonna be able to sleep and I know it. Then I remember an old friend, I used to work with at Chili’s. Javi. Literally one of the very slim parts of the things that I don’t block out and cringe hard about when it comes to chili’s, are our times together. I block that shit hard. I mean just thinking about me in this time frame is enough to make me believe I’m terrible. I wasn’t right. I regret literally everything about chili’s. That place is a nightmare and probably what hell is going to look like when I arrive. anyways god damn. Javi is this sweet kind angel. We were all struggling at this mother fucking chili’s let me tell you. My dumb ass had just come back from vid con (2017) How did I afford that? I spent my rent money. Also I couldn’t afford to eat for like a week. But YouTube was and still is the only thing in this world that makes my brain feel calm. It’s a safe place for me. And I was dumb as shit. Anyway my dumb ass was already starving before Vidcon and could barely afford rent. :) cuz chili’s doesn’t pay well. So I was real fucked when rent came up and literally considered myself lucky when I found a packet of cheezits lying around, cuz that was a good meal to me at the time. I guess I’m telling my coworkers this and busting my ass all night bussing peoples tables and helping out as a hostess which of course paid jack shit. And I know I’m about to go home fucked another night, and Javi, pulls out the $165 dollars he made that night, and hands it to me. The boy had bills, and worked all night too. Who would ever be so kind-hearted to do such a thing. I of course refused, cuz what the fuck. He insisted. I said I was going to cry and he said “aw don’t cry Sheyenne, or I’ll cry too.” And hugged me. I was also super numb and depressed and wanted to be with Hannah so much, and honestly I don’t feel like I was my best self. I look at that person and I don’t feel like it was me. But I used it to pay rent. Still wasn’t eating and he even bought me food one day. Literal angel. I don’t know or remember if I expressed enough gratefulness. I don’t know if I was capable of expressing it. A couple months later he’s about to move to Idaho, and we have a goodbye dinner, and I figure this is a good time to repay him. I give him $100 which is all I could really do at the time, and try to tell him I think he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. He leaves, and I think we only ever talked one time after that, and I offered to buy him pizZa but never did for some reason? We never really talked again. I alwyas momentarily remember him, but I really have chili’s and the person I was in 2017 so far blocked that I really can’t remember that shit. It’s so hazy. There isn’t a full day I can remember. Just tiny bits and pieces. For some reason two nights ago I remembered him vividly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt panic and guilty as fuck. Paralyizying guilt. I felt like I should never deserve to enjoy anything ever again in my entire life. I felt terrible. I felt like if he ever struggled to make it or eat, then I should’ve been there for him. I stalked his fb, cuz I needed to know he was okay.

He doesn’t use social media too much. His mom however posts about him a lot. Which confused me because I know they have a strained relationship, and he could have a lot of help from his mom, but I think he resented the help, because they didn’t always get along? I don’t know how fucked she was to him though. What fb told me was she paid for him to come every few months. He has a new girlfriend that he seems very happy with, he seems happy in general. He’s smiling in pics. But that’s social media. At best pictures his moms posting. I felt like I needed to know or I was going to have a breakdown. I don’t have his phone number for some reason, so I snapped him a long message. Usually I’d feel crazy to reach out especially when we Weren’t that close but I just needed to. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. Then opened at work. The shake machine of course was fucked and I had to put it back together correctly only after shake mix poured everywhere. That’s just my life. Me doing something out of panic, and then having to redo it after looking like a dumb bitch. I truly learn from fucking up. I’m wired so fucking wrong. He finally responds once I’m off work. I read it. It’s not what I need to hear but it’s decent, and proves he doesn’t hate me. He tells me he’s good, but working at Taco Bell, and I know he’s still struggling which makes me sad, but I guess I’ve been struggling to, so I shouldn’t hold myself accountable for not reaching out. I’ve been so poor, and me and Hannah are just now catching up, and taking a breather after 2 years of struggling. I let my mind rest though because he’s alive and he’s eating and has a girlfriend and family who are looking out for him. Until the next night when I should be exhausted from no sleep. The guilt starts eating away at me again. I feel like I shoukdve sent him more money,but after a while I stopped thinking about it because of all that I was going through and that made me feel selfish. I felt that I owed him for my entire life. Maybe I blocked out how much he and his kinda gesture meant to me because anything regarding chili’s, is so far removed, and maybe that super vivid memory, is what I needed to remind me. I’ve also been struggling heavily with my mental health and off and on numb most of the time, so it is possible that I wasn’t as grateful as I could’ve been or at least didn’t properly show gratefulness. So I once again reached out and also sent $20. I really went for it this time. I said I literally need to know you’re okay and happy, and for you to know how special you are and sorry if this sounds crazy dog. Like I must’ve seemed fucking insane but I needed him to know. I don’t know why it was physically paining me so much. Maybe because of all the roommates and so called friends who disappeared without paying rent and left me fucked with no second thought of how I’d eat tomorrow. I just couldn’t bare to think that, He was out there roughing it, maybe Skiping a meal, (like Hannah and I’ve had to so so many times thanks to people who literally could give a fuck less.) After he was there when I needed help. He ended up telling me he didn’t need money, and that he did what he did because he was my fiend, and he even apologized that I didn’t have any friends at the time that would’ve helped me the way he did. He apologized. He told me that I deserved it. That really calmed me. I guess I forgot the good that I did because I just remember the bad. I guess I didn’t think about the positive effects I had on him. That I must’ve done something right for someone to care so deeply that they just handed me that kind of money, after a long shift. He saw that, and maybe he felt he owed me in a weird way. I still feel like I owe him. I wish I’d talked to him sooner. Genuinely good people are hard to find. Who tf would do what he did? Seriously. I am so glad I reached out though.

It worries me though. How small past events can trigger me so hard. It’s a snowball effect. Anxious about work, life, who I am, past mistakes, and it’s paralyzing and hurts my entire body and keeps me from sleep and makes me feel undeserving of a good life or any enjoyment. I really need to get help because it’s getting to an unmanageable point, like it was after I graduated 3 years ago. It scares me that so many past memories are blocked expect for bad ones and bits and pieces. It scares me that, there has never been a completely care free 100% happy period of my life, that lasted longer than a couple days, and now as an adult it’s an even shorter amount of time. Genuine happiness is rare and make men feel pointless. I’m empty most of the time and want things and have the capacity to work hard and achieve them but also feel that I don’t deserve them. I am capable of happiness and some days, I do feel genuinely happy even if it doesn’t last the whole day. My family and Hannah still have a lasting impact on me and even when I’m an unfeeling zombie, I still know love, and numbness makes it hard to feel but somehow not entirely impossible. Little bits of light get through the cracks, and in some ways I’ve gotten better at managing my brain, and I truly don’t want to die or think I deserve to like I once did. The guilt attacks and fears of being bad, and some how accidentally hurting someone emotionally or physically, still fuck my head up because I could never hurt anyone intentionally and feel guilt for any small pains caused alwyas. I wish I could take back many wrong words and hurtful actions done and said to loved ones, but I can’t but it’s okay because they forgive me, so I can forgive myself too. I have to let go of the past.

This really creeped in again because I started to feel excited about a fresh start and our apartment. My brain tries to tell me I don’t deserve it. I deserve to decorate with Hannah, and to allow myself happiness so that I can be happy and enjoy life and be a better girlfriend. I also need to get a new job that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

A part from that all I’m feeling a lot better. I’m off tomorrow. I watched Phil’s new video and it made me feel hopeful, proud and nostalgic. YouTube and the youtubers that have been the stand ins for the lack of friends, have comforted me, inspired me, and put my brain to rest, and assured me I’m not as weird and alone as I think I am. That’s why I want to do YouTube. It’s a tough though. Editing takes a lot of time and I want to make things I’m proud of. I want to make music even though I’m bit a musician, I want to keep writing and actually read again like free 12 year old me did. I read and wrote so much then. I want to be that me again. I want to reach other people and help them feel less alone, I want to make a difference and I want to not feel like a failure. I just need to get past all of this guilt and I really think this is the start of that, and my journey to creating.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Whiskey Cavalier Connections

So Lauren Cohan’s Whiskey Cavalier has officially been cancelled, and I wanted to post some of my thoughts on this. I actually saw someone post about it being cancelled several weeks ago, but I checked and the official cancellation hadn’t come yet. I think at that point it was all BUT official, but I wanted to wait for the official word. Just in case. It came this past week.

First let me say that I haven’t watched this show and so can’t comment on its quality, but I’ve heard very good things for it. While I am sorry that Lauren’s show got cancelled, I’m glad that we’ll have a better possibility of seeing her in TWD this next season and in subsequent season because of it.

But my question is…was there ever really any question of that?

See, my issue with this is that it feels like a perfect replay of when Emily did the show Conviction. That was another relatively small ABC show that was cancelled after one season, but let’s start at the beginning.

We had a period of time between S8 and S9 where Lauren’s contract wasn’t renewed. Lots of reasons for this floated around the fandom, all of which were pure speculation. The biggest thing guess people perpetuated was that AMC didn’t want to pay her enough. People still say to this day. But it’s not true. Lauren herself debunked that theory in a podcast after she finally got her contract worked out. She said it had nothing to do with money on either side (hers or AMCs). Most actors sign 8 year contract and so renegotiation if the show is still going after 8 years is just part of the acting life. So the delay was about figuring out the terms of her contract, not about the amount of money.

She said something else really interesting in that interview. She said she didn’t know whether she wanted to continue with TWD or do something else, but she finally realized she could do both and got the contract signed.

That’s interesting to me because it shows that she never REALLY wanted to leave the show. If she was torn about leaving, then she didn’t want to, but there was something going on that also made her not entirely want to stay.

So I developed a theory (I’m sure you’re shocked) that it really had nothing to do with AMC writing her out or not wanting not pay her. I think they told Lauren that she wouldn’t have a very big role during this/these seasons of the show. Her dilemma was whether or not she wanted to stay exclusively with the show when she wouldn’t have much to do for one or more seasons. I don’t blame her for wanting to branch out and do other things if they don’t have much work for her on TWD.

So that’s why it took her so long to sign the contract: she was trying to decide what to do. But the show was obviously willing to work with her and told her she could leave for a season (be written out) but not killed off, so she could come back. That’s why the comment about being able to do both and going with that.

But what does it matter? Why am I telling you this? Because for me, it aligns perfectly with everything else we’ve always said about Emily and her leaving the show.

As I said above, this feels very similar to when Emily did Conviction. Both are ABC shows, and that makes sense because we know ABC is a sister company to AMC. Lauren taking an acting gig with them would have made it easier to coordinate contracts and filming schedules than if she’d taken a gig with a company that is completely separate from AMC.

But don’t you see? That’s exactly what Emily did. Left TWD for a time, and a took a short-term gig on a small ABC show that was never very likely to get picked up or last very long. I think Lauren chose that specifically because she always knew she’d be coming back to TWD eventually, and just needed something to fill the season where she wouldn’t have a big role in the story anyway.

This Emily/Lauren parallel is a lot like the Beth/Rick parallel. We saw all the same symbolism around Beth being shot as we did around Rick’s death fake out. The difference is that they showed us that Rick didn’t die and told us he’d be coming back (albeit in the AMC films).

Similarly, Lauren did the exact same thing Emily did when she left the show for a time. The difference is that we always knew Lauren would be coming back, and they haven’t overtly told us that about Emily (though I’d argue the symbolism does).

But if we saw the exact same thing with Lauren, and she’s coming back to the show, doesn’t that, by default, prove that Emily will too? I’ve said the same thing about Rick and Beth. If all the same foreshadowing and symbolism is there, and we KNOW Rick is alive, well, then…

 And yes, before anyone jumps down my throat, I know Emily has done other gigs besides Conviction, but one of our biggest arguments has always been that she’s never done anything truly big that lasts long or has a major contract attached. Could that possibly be because, like Lauren, she’s always known she would be back, and AMC still has some say in what she does because her contract hasn’t actually ended yet?

Something to think about

For those who are skeptical, let me give you a tiny piece of information some of you may not know. It’s something me and my FB peeps noticed back a couple of years ago when Norman and Diane’s movie, Sky, came out. DK gave an interview in which the interviewer asked why it was that she was nude in the film more than he was. She answered that it was because of his TWD contract that wouldn’t allow him to appear nude--at all--in the film.

I remember that because me and @doeroseq discussed it and how weird it was that Norman’s TWD contract would dictate the amount of nudity he could do in a completely separate film, you know?

But it kind of sheds light on how air tight the actors’ contracts are and how they can dictate what kind of other work the actors can do while still bound by the contracts. Might go a long way to explaining Emily’s choice of acting gigs--or lack thereof--since S5.

[leta-the-strange]

My troubled relationship with the FB community.

Okay, here goes. As ridiculous as it sounds (because in reality, it is ridiculous) I have taken a rather lengthy break from my writing – both here, on A03 and Fanfiction.net for my health. I have a few significant health problems and for as long as I can remember, writing is one of the few escapes I have – one of my true joys. Now, I’m by no means one of the ‘greats’ in any of the fandoms I’ve written in. I’m always in awe of the talent of some of the writers that I have been lucky enough to read and although I’m not at their level, I’ve been so excited to have the opportunity to have these platforms to share the stories I’ve poured my heart into and so mindblown and grateful to have people not only read them but take the time to leave feedback or thanks.

My love for Leta Lestrange began way back in the very first film when we knew very little about her. But I was starry-eyed from the get-go. A woman of colour main character? She quickly turned into my new inspiration and I was lucky enough to be one of the first Leta Lestrange-centred writers and blogs and meet some other great creatives and like-minded fans in the then tiny Leta loving community. I started developing my first multi-chapter story and (as daunting as it was considering the incredible talent in the stories I had read) started uploading the first chapters to share. A few people started reading my stories and left encouragement, advice and comments that absolutely made my day and I would feel so driven and inspired to keeping going and looked forward to spending my evenings putting together new chapters. My heart would skip each time I got an email saying that someone had left a comment, a review, kudos or notes.  

I was quite naïve in not knowing much about ‘ship’ and ‘fandom wars’ and when I found out that was a…thing, I did my best to stick to safe, neutral content, staying out of the confrontational tags, not engaging in the fandom too much – only to share things I created or liked (what all this is supposed to be about). Unfortunately, no matter how well I did that foreign, poisonous part of the fandom I was naïve enough to believe I could easily avoid by minding my business found its way into my life and quickly consumed something I loved.

PLEASE understand that this post isn’t about the characters. This is about real people. As a young girl of colour, yes there have absolutely been moments where I feel sick at some of the racist undertones in a large majority of the fandom’s depiction of Leta – I am happy to put my feelings on this in a more eloquent fashion in a separate post but again, the purpose of my first post back is about real people.

There are people in this fandom, quite a lot of people actually who all belong to one particular community, who not only are lucky enough to have the free time to create and share the things they love on the internet but also apparently have enough spare time to actively go seeking out posts, stories, works, etc that are centred on fictional characters and relationships that they don’t like (to put it lightly) for the sole purpose of abusing, bullying and degrading the creators to the delight of their followers that have little more than mic-drop gifs, ‘oh snap’s, and ‘#preach’ to contribute. 

This behaviour is disgusting, appalling, unacceptable and harmful.

And of course, not ALL people from this particular, I don’t know the word…’shipping group’ do this (so many are kind, talented and supportive) but enough have that I feel like even if I eventually came to like this pairing, I would never, ever feel safe engaging in that community myself.

I have characters I like, characters I love, ones that I am impartial to and ones I don’t like much. That’s the great thing about fictional characters. However, I have never felt the urge (or had the time or energy) to obsessively track the tags of ships and characters that I don’t like to leave hateful comments designed to make the creators feel unsafe and unwanted in a community in which they are just as entitled to be involved in than anyone else.

This obsessive, abusive behaviour destroyed my love for writing. One of the few things that drew me out of depression when I was unable to physically do much else activity-wise gave me intense anxiety and as much as I still received beautiful comments, I panicked when I received notification that someone had messaged me. 

My story has been called disgusting, dumb, awful, gross etc. I have been called deluded (apparently for not following a canon ship), a crazy dumb bitch, illiterate – just off the top of my head. I found a thread last year that encouraged people to upload new Fantastic Beasts content to A03 asap to get my story off the first page when I would upload a new chapter.  I was torn to shreds on both fanfiction websites after the second film came out and told that I hadn’t seen the movies (I had started my story well before the second film so I had to fill in the gaps which were quite a few). It seemed so pathetic and laughable at the start, I would just make sure I could monitor my reviews and would delete or not answer the abuse I received. 

Eventually though, it become too overwhelming and I found it too difficult to continue – my inspiration was gone and I was emotionally drained. A few times I actually became pale, shaky and vomited from the relentlessness of it. I tried to claw back the thrill and love writing gave me by practicing getting back on the saddle by doing prompts on Tumblr while I was in hospital battling one of my illnesses. I thought it might be nice to take requests from people – a gentle re-entry into my beloved hobby and reconnecting with other fans. I did a piece on Theseus and Leta that I had overwhelming support for. I actually cried when more than a couple people left beautiful messages in regard to my Theseus dying/Leta surviving prompt. A few people left me Newt/Leta related prompts. I got around to completing a first kiss request that earned me an anon informing me that my writing was trash, made them gag in their mouth and I should seriously reconsider inflicting my unwanted pieces on a fandom that doesn’t want them and to keep my shit out of the tag. 

I have seen blogs disappear from it and stories, posts and artwork removed. I was scrolling through Instagram and someone (quite notorious for this behaviour across all platforms) simply comment ‘ew #newtinaforever’ on a beautiful Leta fanvid that would have taken such a long time to put together. Surprisingly, the comments I got that were simply ‘ew’, ‘gross’, etc were more hurtful than the torrents of abuse sometimes. 

Just a few days ago, someone posted something absolutely non-confrontational and innocent about them personally liking Newt/Leta because they found it cute which of course opened the floodgates for abuse and I read a comment relating to people who don’t personally ship the ‘canon’ ship (this sounds so ridiculous now that I’m typing it) as deluded and needed to check into a mental ward. This is quite personal but I am someone who has an illness that is accompanied by psychotic symptoms and I have spent periods of time in a psychiatric hospital (and will likely need to during my lifetime) for my own wellbeing. I felt physically nauseous by this. I feel anxious now disclosing this as I know this will give more ammunition to the people who have not yet been blocked by me and enjoy taunting me but I want people to understand the weight of their childish, uneducated, ignorant outbursts.  

Because of my experience, PLEASE understand that when I say ‘unhinged’ I am not meaning it as a slur, it is coming from a place of serious concern. I think there are people in this fandom that are becoming quite dangerously confused between reality and fantasy. These characters ARE NOT REAL. If I can get through years of one my favourite characters being constantly hated on, written by fans as an abuser, rapist, you name it while far more ‘bad/problematic’ (white) females are adored and shipped with various characters quite harmoniously, and not resort to commenting, abusing or harassing people than you can get through your fave not being someone else’s fave. If your favourite pairing is canon, why are you so insecure about people liking other pairings? In Harry Potter, the most popular fan-favourite ships are non-canon and don’t cause any harm.

If someone writes on THEIR OWN BLOG that they personally don’t follow a certain ship, or they find a character bland or boring, or don’t agree with a casting, or don’t see chemistry between certain actors or like a pairing that differs from your own, JUST KEEP SCROLLING (and certainly don’t go on a witch-hunt by tracking down posts, blogs and stories you know you won’t like).

These are not real people. There is absolutely 0 reasons to be offended by someone saying that they find a certain character or pairing bland (which I haven’t done before). Of course you can disagree but if you are enraged, or offended, or feel inclined to personally attack or threaten A REAL PERSON over their preferences in something make-believe, than please, I implore you for your own mental wellbeing, to seriously assess if this level of emotional attachment to made-up characters is healthy.

I am planning on getting back into my story in time. I would love to get through the prompts and (nice) messages in my inbox now that I’m feeling a little more secure mentally and physically. I do thank all the beautiful people who have taken the time to request things, leave notes and such – I’m only back for them and feel confident that I can work through the toxicity and superiority complexes in this fandom with their support. I will do my best from now on to call out and check people when I see them mistreating others and to have more respect for myself and my work and not tolerate this any longer. I may respond and share some of the less pleasant messages I’ve received if I believe my responses can be helpful to others but there are some that require no response or audience.

I feel very content in the knowledge that I can see a story, visual, video, etc, involving a fandom, character or pairing that I don’t necessarily like and still appreciate the time and effort the person put in and find enjoyment in it too. If you still feel incapable of controlling yourself around people who are not a carbon copy of yourself, please just save yourself the distress by just blocking me instead of wasting valuable time and energy finding new ways to abuse me. I am not a harmful person, I am not an abusive person. I encourage you in your journey to hopefully become the same and if you need to remove yourself from temptation than I applaud that decision no matter how much I cannot personally relate. 

To anyone who has read my stories or sent me prompts, thank your for your patience and encouragement. I look forward to being able to get back into a community I have found such joy in.

[fox-bright]

Several weeks ago, a friend of mine got the flu.  Someone publicly recommended to her that she take Oscillococcinum for it.  Oscillococcinum is a homeopathic remedy; it’s sugar pills, into which duck liver has supposedly been dissolved.

The thing about this “medicine,” though, is that it’s diluted to 200c, which is according to Wikipedia a a ratio of one part duck guts to 10400 parts water.  To have a pill with ONE MOLECULE of the duck guts left in it would require more molecules of pill than the number of total molecules of ANYTHING in the entire universe.

The homeopath’s explanation for this is that the solvent “remembers” the duck guts. That it takes on some measure of duck-gutness, and that ghost of duck offal is what heals you when you’re sick.

Somehow, the water doesn’t remember being used to brush teeth, flush toilets, wash garbage down the gutter.  Somehow it’s supposed to know what specifically to remember. Because we want it to, or some other similar woo.

Basically, homeopathy is complete bullshit.

So I warned my friend off.  I said, don’t go to the pharmacy, maybe getting someone else sick with this flu or picking up a new illness yourself.  Stay home, rest, keep warm, drink lots of clear fluids.

And then, as the flu was just starting to go around, I went to my own FB profile and I mad a quick little post, linking to the Wikipedia page on Oscillococcinum and warning people that it’s not medicine, and that depending on it is useless.

And I clicked submit and I forgot about it.  Weeks passed.

And then last night, I get a comment on that weeks-old post from a complete stranger, who shares no mutual friends with me. I’m not even sure how she found it. And she starts in like that, that’s her first comment on this wall of someone she’s never met.

Before she deleted, she suggested that I should “read some articles” and educate myself, and keep an open mind, and here’s what I have to say about that.

I was raised by a homeopath. My mother was obsessed with herbal cures, and our bathroom closet was stuffed with sugar pills of fifty varieties, for nausea and sore throat, for headaches, for muscle aches, for fever and cold, and I grew up being told "raise your tongue!" so she could drop a couple of globules of chalky powdered sugar in my mouth, under the tongue, where they'd dissolve and make my teeth feel weird for twenty minutes.

I was raised by a woman who, when my brother went into anaphylactic shock after an insect bite, called her chiropractor.

When my five-year-old sister got bacterial strep, Mom decided to treat it with sugar pills. The sickness went systemic, and my sister--in the Nineties! In the USA!--got scarlet fever, and very nearly died of it. She tottered around the house as bent as an old woman, her skin plastered with the sign of the disease, and my mother, FINALLY having got her some antibiotics said "We'll just have to see." It was touch and go. Because my mother trusted pseudoscientific idiocy over taking her badly-fevered child to a damn doctor.

When at the age of eleven I started waking up at night with sharp, sickening stomach cramps, my mother treated it with strawberry tea, and yes, more sugar pills. This variety was called "nux vomica," and if it there were actually any of the active ingredient left in the pills, it would be labelled "strychnine." But of course, it was so diluted that there was no difference whatsoever between those sugar pills, and the sugar pills she made us take for muscle aches.  She treated my stomach cramps this way for two weeks, until abruptly I became delirious with fever and began projectile vomiting.  Later on, after my emergency appendectomy, I heard the doctor scolding her; if I'd been so much as twenty minutes later to the ER, he said, I'd be dead.

There are absolutely some herbal remedies which are helpful, in conjunction with modern medicine.  I drink chamomile tea on the hard days, I use Tiger Balm on my martial-arts-related aches and pains, I might drink marshmallow tea with honey for a sore throat. 

But the sugar pills are dangerous bullshit, and relying on them gets people killed.

[stylesbicon]

had the WILDEST convo with my mom...

The background: I'll be going home in a couple months and my family is not supportive of me and my transness at all... I made these Facebook posts to tell them (specifically my mom) that they better shape up or I'm not coming.

Then my mom texted me...

Mom: Hey [Deadname]! I read your post. Did this come from me wanting to share a devotion with you? I only do that with my seasoned Christian friends who get it, and live it authentically. Not the other way around.

Mom: I'm

Mom: Sorry that those things have happened to you. I'm guessing that country isn't as accepting overall?

Mom: For some other times, perhaps you are feeling that things are 'because' of your gender look from people  that aren't thinking that? Like the minority who thinks everything is because of their color, when it's not at all. Or the woman who relates anything that happens to her because she's a woman? I'm not saying it doesn't happen on occasion from people when it certainly shouldn't and does, yet it might not be on people's mind as often as you might suppose?

Mom: Either way I'm

Mom: sorry your feelings are hurt.

Mom: I've always loved you for your heart and soul since before you were born, the outside package never mattered to me.

Me: Oh this country is very accepting actually!

Me: The only sucky people are family at home

Mom: What does that mean? Did something happen?

Me: No I'm just tired of the only people in the world who call me [Deadname] and treat me like a girl being my family because it doesn't feel good and I've been waiting for a long time for it to stop

Me: So I realized... I don't need to spend all that money if it's gonna make me feel Bad about myself

Mom: How does it make you feel bad?

Mom: You told me I could call you that as like a middle name of yours

Mom: If it's taken you 22 yrs to get used to the idea, we've only had 2. How would it be different now for you from before you left in Sept?

Me: But it's the lack of an effort to try in any other way... like it's been so long and the pronouns haven't changed and that says to me it's not important enough to you or you don't """believe""" me like... what if I always called you my dad?

Mom: If something was bothering you, why didn't we talk about it instead of the FB rant? I'm sure anxiety will naturally build, as it gets closer

Me: Or that I had to share a room with my sister, that wasn't great or understanding

Mom: Huh?

Mom: You're supposed to have your own room here?

Me: I'd hardly call it a rant. And every time I've tried to talk to you about it I've been shut down! Or invalidated. Like the time you told me I needed to see a psychiatrist because I wanted top surgery

Me: Would you make [brother] share a room with [sister] if he moved home?

Mom: What? I never said you needed to see one for anything other than the feelings you haven't dealt with from the family breaking apart.

Me: I DEFINITELY remember that. Very clearly

Mom: I've always supported you when you were different your whole life.

Me: You said how it wasn't right that I wanted to mutilate my body

Mom: Well, gender aside, that's not right in any form, to hurt oneself.

Me: It's surgery.... like. gender confirmation surgery

Mom: If I'm giving you grace on your choices then you need to give the same back.

Mom: Why is this a thing all of a sudden? We worked through this before?

Me: Because there's been no change from you for two years

Me: At least try to talk to/about me differently?

Mom: I love you for you, not for your outside. We don't have to agree on everything for me to love you accept you and support you.

Me: But it's a big part of me and that's the part that needs acceptance

Mom: I don't know what you want from me. I've always loved and supported you.

Mom: I always will

Mom: Where did this come from? Did I say something specific? Or the decision to come home?

Me: I just want you to think about how maybe you don't the way I want. I will try to make you a list of ideas and ways you can help, and better explain how I feel

Me: yeah coming home

Mom: I've always asked you before or when introducing you which name I should use and you've said either so how is that not treating you respectfully?

Me: I appreciate that, but I've only said that because you seem so uncomfortable. And I don't actually care about the name, but maybe introduce me as your son

Mom: I may never do things the way you want but that doesn't mean I don't accept you.

Me: (well I do care about the name, just not as much as the other stuff. I do think it's a great name)

Mom: I can't do that. No matter what you look like. And People will decide on their own.

Mom: It doesn't mean at all that I don't accept you

Me: That's what that means to me

Mom: I've always accepted you

Me: and you've actually corrected people asking you if I'm your son. eventually people are gonna start thinking you're crazy, especially after I've been on T a while

Me: I've waited to start T too because I knew it would make you uncomfortable, but that's something else I can't wait for

Mom: You say you are following what God told you, and I've accepted that and given you space. After much praying God told me to name you [Deadname] and that you were a girl. You

Mom: Feel He is telling differently now and OK.

Me: Right, That happened and it was meant to. And now it's different

Mom: I hear you. But I also have to follow what God tells me. I've tried really hard to be supportive of you too.

Mom: What is T? Male hormone?

Mom: To do what to you?

Me: yeah testosterone

Me: you can Google the effects there are quite a few. I think it's a good idea to research a lot of this

Mom: Yes it will make me uncomfortable but I still love you and accept you. I don't have to agree with everything the same as you. You like foods I don't like also, I'm sure, that's OK. We have different opinions on many things. We still love each other.

Me: I'm still going to give you a list of things you could do to be supportive, just ideas, and I do want you to pray and research some things

Mom: And you pray for accepting that I don't have to agree, I love you always. I also have to follow what God tells me too.

Mom: I'd rather you be in a healthy place emotionally (worked through

Mom: past, broken family, Dad stuff) before you change your body. so you are confident that it is right for you. I want you happy.

Mom: I want you to be happy. And making a decision on anything long term from a healthy place. That's why therapy suggestions. Clear out pain, baggage and go forward healthy, whatever you decide.

Me: I definitely made the decision a long time ago and every therapist I've seen agrees with me

Mom: I never tried to 'fix you', change you, only to help you be the best you, you can be.

Mom: You said you decided two years ago?

Me: yeah

Mom: When your family broke up, your dad was introducing you to his girlfriend while married and younger brothers going off the deep end and me crying sporadically probably. I'm

Me: yeah so you guys getting divorced made me realize that my perfect idea of our family was already ruined and so me deciding to be my authentic self wouldn't be the thing that did that

Me: from my point of view

Me: so it was kind of freeing

Mom: not saying it's not the decision you'll end at, just to make sure it the right one for you in a healthy emotional state. Same as I would if you were buying a house during that time or other major life decision.

Mom: Can you help me understand something?

Mom: If you are living who you believe God created you to be, and I believe you feel that, then live it. Be gay, don't have children, dress as a man, if that's who feel you are. By changing your body, the way God made you and intended you to be, how is that living who you are supposed to be? God doesn't make mistakes in His creations. Maybe it's being as you are now? Maybe it will give others the courage?

[homosociallyyours]

a friend just posted a pic on fb of the coffee shop we used to hang out at, taken way back in the day. it’s just a shot of the place taken from inside, looking out the big glass windows and onto the street of downtown chattanooga. but one friend pointed out that she could see another friend’s van parked across the street, and one of the baristas came on and said he’d taken the photo and then proceeded to post a bunch more. 

anyway i’m feeling nostalgic so i’m posting about it. memories behind the cut. 

i started going there when i was maybe 15 years old. i don’t remember why, but it’s likely that the artsy nerd club i was a part of (we stayed after school to watch amadeus and monty python and we’d sometimes go to the local art museum) went there after a meeting one day. or maybe someone told me about it. anyway, it was my favorite place to go. i would drink pots of tea, always trying new things. 

on my 16th birthday my parents got me a teapot from there and a gift certificate to buy tea with. i had that teapot til it broke a year ago. 20+ years! it moved with me to and from college, to nyc, california, texas, and back to california. damn. 

anyway after i’d been going for a while i started talking with the owner. his name was ian, and he was pretty young. he loved tea and coffee and he had a roaster where they’d make their own coffee. it was loud and lovely, and for a long time it lived up front, right by a little elevated area with couches. when it was running you couldn’t hear anything and had no choice but to either shout or be quiet. 

ian encouraged my love of tea, and offered to keep track of everything i’d tried in a little notebook that was kept behind the counter. i got to make notes on every pot i drank, and i remember writing “terrible! grass!” after my first pot of green tea (it was oversteeped--my fault--and probably made with water that was too hot--their fault). i had my first pu-er there, and fell in love with its damp leaf flavor and that turned earth scent that it has. i drank multiple pots of jasmine pearls and wrote a caffeine fueled poem about it with a friend. i loved that little coffee shop. 

i don’t remember when i went from hanging out inside to hanging out outside, but i feel like i was 18 or so. the older people (they were probably barely 21-25, fucking babies) sat out there smoking and drinking coffee. i developed a crush one summer on a guy who made me think of arthur dent for some reason (don’t ask because i don’t know) and we went on one awkward date and didn’t kiss, and now i wonder what’s happened to him and if he, too, wasn’t straight. who knows? someone, i’m sure, but i can’t remember his last name anymore so is it even relevant? 

i’d never felt cool til i went off to college. it was like leveling up without trying, like when you’re playing a game and do one action and suddenly all your stats are refilled and you’re like...this is unexpected? but i’ll take it? i think that’s why i decided i could really sit with the outside tables. that and my bff, who was dating someone who was friends with a lot of those people, would show up sometimes and sit out there. 

(if you’ve actually been reading along so far, here’s where i’m gonna introduce you to a bunch of people i’ve never talked about before and will likely never mention again. just so you have fair warning.) 

the cast of characters shifted a lot, but there were always the constants. scott, the barista, who was much older than most of the people hanging out but looked young and seemed young. i look back with adult eyes and question the relationship we had, but at the time i just thought it was cool that someone so much older thought i was worth hanging out with. but he was 30 when i was 19, and man that’s a lotta years. he had a summer where he hit on my friend and i constantly, after his wife left him and he was kinda floundering a bit. but it never went past flirting and it never bothered me, though like i said it kinda does now. we were still hanging out when i was 21 and we’d go get beers after the coffee shop closed at ten or midnight. he’d turn up obnoxious music really loud and i’d sometimes help close. 

there was gabe and george, brother and sister in a family of people with names starting with the letter g. george was tiny and cute and either very drunk or very hyper from coffee at all times. gabe was a nerd who was usually quiet but loved to play scrabble, and we’d take the board inside sometimes and battle one another. he was much better than me, i won’t lie. liz and ever were both writers who would play with us sometimes. ever had changed her name at some point (to ever; any name she had before is irrelevant) and when we met she explained the meaning of her new name, which i won’t give because damn it’s very google-able. 

she was a so fascinating to me, always talking about some feminist theory or philosopher, and i always felt so smart when we’d hang out. like a Serious Thoughtful Adult and not a kid. and liz was less serious but no less smart. she played scrabble a lot more and for a while we got pretty close. she took me out after coffee sometimes to a shitty bar with pool tables and tried to teach me how to play pool. she had her own cue and even though she was like 5′2″ she could break like nobody’s business. i never figured out how to do that part. 

alex would come with us sometimes. he was tall and handsome and rode a motorcycle, and was the first openly bi guy i ever met. one time he invited me over to his house and we laid around listening to the smiths and talking. he burned me a copy of their greatest hits that i still have, all scratched up so it probably doesn’t play anymore. he crashed his bike more than once driving drunk. dumb fuckin kid. now he repairs coffee machines and sails, i think. life is funny. 

a few other people ran in groups. meg and waide and the aforementioned jason and ardyce. some people called meg “big megan” and another megan (her family was really wealthy, rich southern politicians who knew the clintons and have a mention in sweet home alabama--the song, not the movie) was “little megan” because she was still in high school. i joked that i was medium megan, but the whole thing was awkward because big megan was fat and i was small fat and little megan was skinny. i’m gonna blame it on thoughtless dudes, but who the fuck knows? we all pretended not to mind it anyway. 

waide ended up being a connection with other people who i met later. my hometown is weird in that it’s actually a pretty big part of the southern punk scene, so a lot of punks i meet have spent time there, and anyone over a certain age probably spent time at the bar waide worked at (the stone lion, and then maybe also the pickle barrel) so he’s one of those people who i’ll end up mentioning even though we haven’t spoken in years. 

at some point a kid named ory showed up. i think he was 16 when he started coming around, and i used to call him puppy because he was excitable and silly, full of energy one minute and then mopey crashing the next. like a lot of people there he drank a lot and would be fucked up sometimes and make dumb choices. i always wanted to protect him. when i was 22 (and he was 19, i think) we ended up sitting together at the second lotr movie and having some kind of weird chemistry. that summer i drove him home one night and we had a super heavy make out with lots of clothed grinding. honestly the furthest i’ve ever gone with a cis straight(ish, he hooked up with a couple dudes but idk if he’d say he’s bi) dude and it was awkward in that we never talked about it? and then he came to visit me a couple years later in new york because he was in the navy, and he got super drunk and passed out on my couch and was a mess because he literally never stopped being a puppy. 

he’s fucked up now, fully cancelled bc he said shit about girls rock camp (really dude?) and also probably cheated on his wife on their honeymoon? idk, it was fb rumors and then he deleted. but i’d believe it, honestly. 

and then there were all these absolutely random downtown characters: dirty mark (a crusty punk who was drunk or high most of the time) and shirtless dave (yeah he really didn’t wear a shirt that much) usually came as a pair. sometimes dave hung out with a guy my friends and i called blue hair. he once hit on my friend and she panicked and gave him my number instead of hers because her brain didn’t make up a fake number fast enough. 

there was sandy the flower man, who just passed away a couple weeks ago. he’d get flowers from local florists and go around on his bike, stopping into the coffee shop or to bars with roses and carnations and daisies. people gave him money usually, but sometimes he’d just hand you a flower because he wanted to. i saw a picture from a memorial and there was a portrait of him that was sat on top of his bicycle, all of it surrounded with flowers on flowers. so pretty. it’s what he deserved. 

things changed around 2005 or so, i think. by that time, all the old baristas had left and the kids who came in were all weirdly religious and went to the christian college on the mountain. they made shitty coffee and sometimes played xtian rock and most of the old regulars couldn’t take it anymore. ian got sick around that time, too, and ended up selling the place. they stopped carrying much tea, if any. 

but they finally sold the space and moved in like 2015. i remember the first time i drove by and didn’t see the lights on inside. it felt like seeing a friend from grade school all grown up, maybe the kid you had a crush on but they have a family now and you don’t think they’d recognize you at all so you just have to walk away. gone. 

fuck this post is long as shit, i’m sorry for anyone on mobile. but damn it was good to get my memories out. 

[contemplatingoutlander]

Listening to Sam and Cait’s Colleagues Can Help Put the SamCait🧚Fairy Tale🧚🏽into Perspective

Originally posted 05.07.18; last updated 01.30.20 

Back in the spring of 2028, a SamCait conspiracy theorist (CT) wrote this:

“There is all this to consider to of course. As I said yesterday I neither forgive not forget. I’m looking forward to the engagement part and how they solve that little hole they dug for her/them. I wonder if it’s gonna be the “it didn’t work out” thing, I was just too busy and we didn’t have time for each other, or the “I never said his name” version and it’s S she got engaged to if there’s any engagement going on at all.

Well, that SamCait CT’s prediction certainly didn’t come true. In fact, Cait married Tony in August 2019. 

As far as I know, Sam and Cait haven’t ever been a couple, certainly not at any time during the past 5 years. Cait really is married to Tony. And she continues to wear her wedding ring set on her left ring finger as a symbol of her wedding vows to Tony. 

Yet SamCait CTs still insist that the ship is real and that Cait’s wedding is fake. Many present their beliefs as fact despite all the denials that S & C are a couple, all the sightings of S & C with other SOs, and despite the fact that many of the SamCait conspiracy theories are based on a set of beliefs that have been proved to be false over and over again in many fandoms and which have no legal basis in this day and age.

Some major evidence that is often overlooked by SamCait CTs is the fact that a number of Sam and Cait’s colleagues have been pretty darn clear that S & C are not a couple and that they think the belief that they secretly are one is pretty odd. What they have to say gives a whole different perspective to the Sam and Cait situation.

DIANA GABALDON DENIED THE SHIP AND WAS SPOT ON IN HER OBSERVATIONS ABOUT “A CLOSED CIRCLE OF POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT” THAT KEEPS SHIPPERS BELIEVING IN SAMCAIT

First, let’s consider the comments on TheLitForum.com from someone who takes no prisoners when she tells it like it is, Diana Gabaldon (who wrote the Outlander series and who is a consultant to the show):

Diana went on to point out how many of her followers did not take kindly to the attacks. 

Diana is a straight shooter. She isn’t being paid off by Starz to pretend that Cait is engaged to Tony. She certainly doesn’t need the money and Starz NDA’s are about the production, NOT the actors’ personal lives.

And it’s not true that Diana “always said they were a couple.” In fact, she has maintained they aren’t a couple since she made this comment on 06.18.15--nearly three years ago:

What I think is most telling in Diana’s comment in TheLitForum though is her spot on description of how the extreme shippers are in “a closed circle of positive reinforcement.” Everyone in the ES group to a greater or lesser extent believes the conspiracy theories and they validate this belief for each other time and time again in the cocoon of their shipper blogs.

Consequently, it is a bit of a shock when some of these fans venture over to Diana’s FB page and discover that most of the fandom does not share extreme shipper beliefs and in fact think their beliefs are absurd. 

But NONE of it is real.

Diana and the Outlander fans on TheLitForum don’t have any hidden agendas. Diana isn’t lying. She isn’t a “troll.” She’s simply telling the truth.

See below the cut for what some other colleagues of Sam’s and Cait’s have said or shown us about their thoughts on whether Sam and Cait are a couple and/ or about shipper beliefs and behaviors regarding Sam and Cait. These colleagues include:

Terry Dresbach, César Domboy, Metin Hüseyin, Àdhamh Ó Broin, Richard Rankin, Graham McTavish, Stephen McNutt, Sophie Skelton and Tobias Menzies. 

TERRY DRESBACH TOLD THE TRUTH WHEN SHE SAID SAM AND CAIT WERE NOT A COUPLE

Terry Dresbach the costume designer for Outlander is a straight shooter like Diana and she was honest when she said that Sam and Cait aren’t a couple.

CESAR DOMBOY SAYS HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH LAUREN LYLE IS LIKE SAM’S AND CAIT’S RELATIONSHIP

In the Sasnak City 2018 Wrap-Up video (April 2018), César Domboy (who plays Fergus Fraser) was asked by a fan (about 6:32.5 minutes into the video) about how it was working with Lauren Lyle, who plays Fergus’ wife Marsali Fraser. César jokes a bit and then he says (starting about 6:51 minutes into the video):

“Nah, nah, she’s amazing, she’s amazing. And I thought um my, my experiences were kind of different in my previous shows and stuff meaning by that I happened to date my coworker, which is like a very bad decision! So when I started Outlander I was like, ‘Please don’t be attracted by your coworker! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please!’ And you cannot control that.

“And when we met it was like we became friends, it was like, ‘Yes! This is it!’ That’s good that’s like that’s a blessing!’ And and that’s actually that’s actually what is like working so well between us is I think we have that kind of a relationship that Sam and Cait have….and it helps us a lot a lot. And I think she is an amazing actress…” [emphasis added]

It doesn’t get much clearer than that that Sam and Cait are good FRIENDS and not a romantic couple.

METIN HUSEYIN THINKS SHIPPERS ENGAGE IN “HURTFUL LIES AND FANTASIES”

The Outlander director Metin Hüseyin got embroiled in shipper drama in early February 2018 because he liked a tweet by WS that was negative towards shippers. WS explained the situation as he saw it to Metin and Metin commented:

[NOTE. I do NOT believe that shippers are “insane” NOR am I condoning statements suggesting they have “mental health issues.” I am only trying to show that Metin thinks that shipper beliefs about Sam and Cait are absurd and hurtful--indicating that he knows they aren’t true.]

ÀDHAMH Ó BROIN FINDS SHIPPERS “BEWILDERING” 

The Gaelic consultant for Outlander, Àdhamh Ó Broin got embroiled in the shipper mess in late August 2017 after he retweeted an article about fans doing seances at Clava Cairns to try to contact Jamie. He tweeted  “First there were ‘shippers’, then there were …” Needless to say he was attacked for this.

RICHARD RANKIN THINKS SHIPPERS ARE “SO INVESTED’ IN THE SHIP THEY JUST CAN’T ACCEPT THAT SAM AND CAIT AREN’T A COUPLE

Rik Rankin who plays Roger Wakefield in Outlander stated in an interview published 09.01.17 in The Herald Scotland:

GRAHAM MCTAVISH LET US KNOW THAT SAM AND CAIT’S DYNAMIC IS LIKE SIBLINGS NOT LOVERS

At the Highlander Starfury Event in August 2016, Graham McTavish (who played Dougal MacKenzie) was quoted by a fan as saying Sam and Cait had a siblinglike relationship. 

Some fans can’t let themselves wrap their heads around Graham’s statement without putting their minds into the gutter. Graham meant this benignly. Cait herself said they act like kids together.  

If you really look at the two of them, IMHO they do often behave like children when they interact: 

STEPHEN MCNUTT FELT THAT THAT CAIT’S FRIENDSHIP HELPED WITH FILMING LOVE SCENES

Cinematographer Stephen McNutt, ASC, CSC commented on Sam and Cait’s friendship in an 06.22.18 interview in Studio Daily when he answered a question about filming them in Outlander love scenes:

“But as far as Cat and Sammy making love, their friendship and affection for each other is absolutely genuine. They like each other a lot. When they are standing outside in the cold Scottish weather, they hug and keep each other warm. They chat and laugh. They are not an item at all — I think she just got married — but what you see on camera comes from a lovely place. I was always in such amazement of that. There was never anything but great affection between them, both on and off the camera. They would just have fun.” [emphasis added]

SOPHIE SKELTON, TOBIAS MENZIES AND RICHARD RANKIN LET US KNOW WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF CERTAIN SHIPPER BELIEFS BY THEIR BODY LANGUAGE AT THE EW INTERVIEW AT SDCC 2017

In an a 07.21.17 interview with Lynette Rice for EW, Sam is heard in the VIDEO once again denying a relationship with Cait. The visual reactions of Sam and Cait’s colleagues (and Sam and Cait themselves) was quite telling during the response to Lynette’s question: “Have you had a really awkward moment with an Outlander fan that you’d care to divulge right now?” 

Outlander cast members Tobias Menzies (Frank Randall/ BJR), Sophie Skelton (Bree Randall) and Richard Rankin (Roger Wakefield) were all smiling, obviously trying to hold in the fact that they think the beliefs of this fan are absurd.

Furthermore, look at Sam’s body language when he says “obviously not together.” He’s was annoyed. He wanted to hammer home that he and Cait are “obviously not together!” He even made a little chopping motion with his hands! (BTW, IMHO it is sad that certain fans came up with the OPPOSITE meaning of what both Sam’s words and body language were showing with this statement. 🙄)

And finally that “smirk” on Cait’s face was not because Sam was lying but because it is pretty clear she thinks it is bizarre that anyone still believes in the ship and would think they had lied and led fans on about their “relationship.” 

I know that many fans got upset with the cast after that interview and didn’t feel they had any right to make fun of fans.

IMHO thought Sam, Cait, Tobias, Rik and Sophie didn’t make fun of fans. They just had a hard time controlling their body language when the topic came up. Rather than being angry with them for what they said though, it might be helpful for certain ES to ask themselves why they repeatedly overlook “communications” like these that indicate that the cast knows that Sam and Cait are not a couple. Hopefully newbie fans won’t make that mistake.

SAM AND CAIT’S COLLEAGUES ARE TELLING THE TRUTH

Diana, Terry, Metin, Àdhamh, Rik, Graham, Stephen, Tobias and Sophie are professionals. They aren’t being paid to lie. Starz/ Sony could care less who two B-list actors are dating. They are telling the truth. Maybe it’s time for certain fans to listen to them with their rational minds rather than with their wishful hearts that want to believe in a SamCait fairy tale.

NOTE: This is just my opinion as a fan, nothing more. If you disagree, please do so respectfully. Please also note that I write these posts to provide an alternative to the extreme shipper perspective for newbie fans and fence sitters (not for hardcore ES whose minds are already made up).

Posted 05.07.18; last updated 01.30.20

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 7

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 181: Typing on day 182. I received an email from someone at DSM who had got my CV from Helen Proctor (she was the manager that interviewed me along with the founder) and wants me to interview for a IT business consultant role for a shoe firm (Loakes) in Kettering. I called the chap and had a quick chat and arranged it for Wednesday.

A few beers, as it’s Friday, and caught up via video chat with Foggy and Irish Mike (Foggy’s on quarantine having holidayed in the south of France). It was a late one and they were both pissed, but nice to chat. Andy and Ham were meant to join but were no shows - Ham had his sister’s funeral this week - might explain it.

Day 182: I messaged Ham - he went round his folk’s house after work last night as his two sisters were there. I have to admit, I am ignorant of all of Ham’s brothers and Sisters so he may well have meant one was Preaya in an urn.

Someone on the Oundle Chatter FB group asked about Google Hangouts (on behalf of her son who is attending college and they have online classes using it. I am now about to look into it for her. Why did I get involved. It’s 8pm on a Saturday, ffs!

Update, I researched it and messaged her - seems I hit a nail on the head and she seemed suitably grateful. Booze and pizza coming right up (at 9:15pm)

Day 183: Up at just before 2pm - I drank shed loads last night and went to bed after 4am. Faffed about but did manage my stair climb, a 10km walk and I am now making a roast dinner-ish tea (chicken breast stuffed with red leicester and wrapped in bacon) with all the veg and yorkies (I am trying to empty the freezer as it needs defrosting).

Day 184: I posted on FB that today was half a leap year of lockdown (that’s wrong, should have been yesterday). Rachel replied that it isn’t lockdown anymore. I replied that it is for me but that got me thinking - are we officially in lockdown still? Checked, and we are. Posted that on the same thread and Badger replied that the current level of lockdown has been uprated to level 4, whatever that actually means. Rachel’s post worries me - 1. ‘cos it’s indictative of the far-too-relaxed attitude and, 2. I wasn’t even sure even though I’m still observing the same lockdown behaviour that I was before Boris made his announce on March 23rd. Scary how facts bleed into fiction. 

Jim contacted me today, asked me to call. I did so, he says I’ll be asked to return to work (from home) on the 5th October (two weeks). Shirley from HR will be in contact. I’ll believe when I see the email from her! 

Day 185: Boris announced a tightening of the relaxed lockdown including pubs shutting at 10pm. None of it really affects me since I’m still in as full a lockdown as when it started.

Received an email from John Morton at DSM for an interview at Loakes tomorrow (Wed) at 09:30am.

Received a Facebook message from the editor at Oundle Chronicle - he wants to do a short article about the photos I take and post on the Oundle Chatter fb group.

Day 186: Interview went ok.

Called Dad and Rita to let them know that I received an email from RCI confirming that I will be back at work on the 5th of October.

In the evening, Facebook had posts concerning somebody walking round Creed Road with a knife in his hand, and the police getting involved!

Day 187: Spend spend spend. Paid my speeding fine today £357, my water bill £147, bought two new duvet cover sets and two new sheets £58, a new pair of walking boots (my relatively new Hi-Tec are leaking and falling apart) £75. Oh, and the car insurance renews day after tomorrow, £230. Thank fucking fuck I’m being taken off furlough!

Day 188: Friday and I’m going to have a few beers and watch a couple of films.  I’ve been trawling through Seinfeld and am most the way through S3, and it’s brilliant. The Kramer character is mentally good. One episode had the actress who played Janice in Friends - that episode is a classic - which also included an scene whereby the cast are all exclaiming ‘Saturday night’ similar to the Friends TikTok trend. Got a call this morning about a service delivery lead role for EPM, a education service provider, based in Huntingdon. It’s a good role, very involved, reporting directly to the head of IT. But it’s only £32k pa. I replied to the email the recruiter subsequently sent to say I am interested but that salary is less than £5k pa than I am on now as a 2nd line support techie!  Lastly, I am well on my way to doing 500,000 steps in September!

Day 189: I was woken by the doorbell - a delivery of one of the duvet cover sets. On the door mat was a missed parcel delivery note from Ryal Mail (I have to get whatever it is from Warmington PO) and a note from next door (No. 34) asking for me to turn my music down at 10.30pm. That’s fair enough but....10.30pm! What are they, 80 years old? I have felt low today. There is no rhyme nor reason as to my moods suffice to say I am not of the happiest dispostion on a permanent basis, resigned to being alone. In fact, I have come to terms with the fact I’ll die alone but, it seems, some days I cope with it a lot worse than others. On that cheery note, it’s 8.45 pm on a Saturday night so, I am about to launch into some beers, weed and pizza. I think tonight I’ll seek out the second John Wick film - watch the first last night - so fucking good. You gotta love Keanu!

Day 190: Hopefully the last Sunday of having an enforced no-work-on-Monday so I’m going to have a beer or two (it’s now 8:20pm - just cracked open a Bud), watch American Sniper and eat Chilli and naan bread and onion rings. I did a 12 km walk today - I recall a time when 40-45 minuts walking was enough. Today’s walk was 2 hours! I know it’s only walking but I feel fitter than I have for years; still unfit, but fitter. Day 191: Well, I enjoyed the decadence of boozing last night but it meant getting up at after midday! Still managed two walks, trip to Tesco’s in Hampton after picking up the mystery parcel from Warmington PO. It was two unknown bottles of beer for a marketing campaign I entered a few days ago! I have to not open the beers until I receive instruction whereby I’ll be joining in with other drinkers in video chat! Day 192: Smahed 500k steps for September with one day to go! Cleaned the kitchen - I’m going to do the whole house over the next few days while I have the free time since I’m back to work on Monday.  The lad from next door called round this eveing to ask if I got the note. When I said yes, he told me they (he and his partner) can still hear music. FFS! I asked where their bedroom was, it’s along side mine, so I guess it’s the TV sound that is travelling up and disturbing them. Great, fuck knows what I should do if I want to watch anything after 10:30pm. I suppose going back to work is good timing..I shall be going to bed around that time myself, especially if I want to get up early to get a walk in before starting at 09.00 am.

Day 193: Typing on day 194. Only managed one walk today, before 9.00am. It made a great change walking that early. I then set about doing housework (which I started yesterday) - I want to clean the house from top to bottom before going back to work. i.e. while I have time during the working week. I did the Kitchen yesterday and the whole lounge today. It’s fucking knackering. I managed 519k steps in September, works out at 9.6 miles per day, which is good and, also, annoying. I have taken delivery and laundered all my new bedding. It’s brushed cotton lushness, can’t wait to try it. Last ‘happy hour’ of (this current) furlough, so I had beers (and a fucking spicey sausage casserole)...hence penning this a day late.

Day 194: I didn’t get out of bed until nearly 2pm, FFS. Spome with Ricky Roberts about kayaking, it sound sliek something I could take up but, I would need to join the boat club to have somewhere to get in and out!

Day 195: Sueanne from work called to let me know she’s taking over from Jim ‘til new yer and that the team are looking forward to my return - lovely. Dad called, he and Rita are fine as usual - lovely.

Day 196: Got up fater 2pm. I was seriously fucking wasted last night. Had a video chat with Fog - just checked, it ended at 02.04am and I did a lot more drinking and smoking after that. I still managed a 9.7km walk and am now going to settle down to a few (just a few!) beers, shepherds pie and watch Casino. Day 197: Quiet Sunday with some bizarre results in Super Sunday in the prem. Man U lost at home to Spurs 1-6 and Liverpool were thrashed at Villa Park, 7-2. Work tomorrow, feeling a little apprehensive, not sure why. Got to go to the office (to reset password) at 09.00am

Day 198: Back to work. It went OK. I had to go to the office so that my a/c could be enabled and password reset and t get VPN working. There were a few problems but I was back home and logged in OK in the afternoon. Saw Mark in the office - he’s lost weight and was telling me about a cycling accident - I knew about it, but I didn’t realise he had been in hospital and had a plate put in his shoulder. He also has the exact same issue with codeine as me! I am pleased to be back at work but it’s different - no Jim and Sueanne in charge is the main thing. I’m just going to keep my head down; it’ll be for the best.

Day 199: Second day back at work and I’m (trying to) crack on with it. It’s all coming back... New walking boots arrived today (I have them on as I type); I reckon I’ll be OK to walk in them with no breaking in. That’s just as well as my evening walk took me by the marina and the path between the lock, the small bridge and, especially, the larger bridge into the field at the bottom of Basset Ford Road was flooded, no way my boots will be dry for tomorrow.  I did my stair climb before work, 3.5 km walk at lunchtime and then a long, second one, as mentioned, later. I want to try and do a short walk before work in future, hopefully. On the way back from the lunchtime walk, I saw the lad from next door who thanked for me keeping the music down as per the note he left, so, that’s all good.

Day 200: I’ve started a work diary,  à la ENDC....nowhere as urgently required but I just think it’s a good idea.

I wore my new boots for the lunchtime walk (3.6km) and they’re fine. However, I didn’t use them in the evening, they niggled the left foot a bit, so some breaking in is required. My usual ones were just about dry enough having been sat on the radiator! Day 201: Popped into the office today to pick up my full headset dongle, did a quick shop at Asda. So, only one walk today. I have not yet managed to get a walk in before work, just the stair climb, so missed out on a lunchtime walk today since I was shopping. Did 8.5km in the evening. Bought a card online for K’s birthday. Not sure why, we seem not to be communicating - I haven’t heard from her for over a month now which, as mentioned before, I shouldn’t find as hard as I do. The card’s pretty cool though, a quip about just getting a card as a present would involve non-essential travel. Now I am back at work, I want a to do loist app. I recall a smart one that was a linear/curved affair that I saw on Producthunt but, fuck me, I couldn’t find it after over an hour looking. Then I checked Google apps and there it was (Lightpad.ai) - I was chuffed and relieved. The lad from oundle School has been trying to get hold of me via Messenger (he tells me by email) so he can interview for the article in the Chronicle. He has pencilled in Saturday at 6pm.Fuck knows if it will go ahead, the whole thing is sketchy. Day 202: First week back at work over and done. I ordered some stuff from Amazon (slippers and socks) and they offered a free trial of Prime, which is the norm, but, seeing as I have had a free trial under that a/c, I assumed it would error, as I have seen before. This time it didn’t! So, tonight, I just about to have some beers, eat pizza and watch The Gentlemen,. It was suggested by Miles on FB when I asked for  recommendations. It’s been on my to-watch list since its release. I need some cheering up, I’m having a low ebb today.Day 203: Typing on day 204. The Gentlemen was pretty good. I had lots of beers and smoke and went to bed fucking late, gone 4am. Up at lunchtime. I was meant to be going up Foggy’s for a few beers and to listen to Cobblers vs Posh but I sacked that off. I went for a walk at tea time when it got dark fucking quick and pissed down. I didn’t mind ‘cos Posh won 0-2. I watched two films in the evening: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World and Official Secrets. Both excellent. Day 204: Another late night, so up at just before 2pm. 12.64 km walk! I’m going to make stirfry and watch Knives Out...taking advantage of Amazon Prime.Day 205: I didn’t watch Knives Out last night, Amazon Prime was playing up. Tonight, however, after uninstalling and reinstalling the LG app, it’s working again. But, rather than a film, I have started watching The Boys series. 3/4 through the first episode and I’m kinda hooked. Another long walk tonight (I didn’t go out before work or at lunchtime), over 5 miles. My new boots are a marvel...they’re still new - I can tell I’ve got a little bit of wearing in still to do, but, pretty much from the off, I can walk long distances in them. I’m impressed. I think, because they are so light, they may be susceptible to the cold, especially now I can walk for longer periods without hypo-ing. The snow and frost will be the test.Day 206: Bit of a frustrating day at work. I am pleased I have a diary of events to update, that’s all I will say on this potentially public diary. Had a chat with Mark about certain aspects of the day, it was a good chat whereby he agreed with some of my gripes. In the evening I took part in a Ipsos marketing test of two beers with a whole bunch of people online. Ultimately, you have to choose one of two beers you prefer and answer questions why. It’s then revelaed which beer you chose. The beer I iked best was Stella but 4.6%, I think that’s the next product iine for them. You don’t get to find out the other beer. I shoudl recieve a £15 amazon voucher for partaking. If that actually happens, I’m going to buy a pair of gaiters. My new boots are fab (although I did turn my ankle last night) but their insides don’t half attract gravel and debris.Day 207: A productive day incorporating ToDoist with work and GCal, I have sacked off Lightpad.ai (it was too cumbersome moving tasks between dates) - so I managed to tick a few things off the task list as a result (responding to Jo Broom’s voicemail, chasing an eye appointmen, for example). Tim came round and did the garden, nice chinwag. I saw little Derek the other day, as well, he’s not coping great with the whole pandemic atm, certainly now lockdown has relaxed, he’s not as social as before. Day 208: Had a chat with Sueanne today, which is not unusal, and I was asking about creating KBs...she remarked how well, and quickly, I getting up to speed. It pleased me. I am having battered fishcakes, potato wedges and peas for tea. I am looking forward to it the most ridiculous amount (it’s cooking as I type). I shall eat as I watch more of the rather excellent The Boys. Seinfeld is on the back burner atm. Day 209: Emily Folgate’s room mate at uni has tested positive for Covid19! Marc’s avoiding the pub and I am glad I didn’t pop up there last Saturday! Bumped into Ash and Dee when i walked past the vets, chatted for 5 mins, it was really nice to see them. The lady next door (38) stopped me outside to say she recently realised that it was me who posts photos to FB, and said they’re ‘amazing’! End of week 2 back at work. As I type, I’m on my first beer, about to have many more and a smoke, half way through The Trial of the Chicago 7 on Netflix. Living the dream! Day 210: Things got messy last night. Sugar levels were a mess. I couldn’t even make it upstairs at one point, laid down on the long rug nursing a big bottle of coke. Got up at around 1pm and did usual shit, now having a beer, spicy sausage casserole in the oven (and it is fucking spicy) and I’ll pick a film to watch in a bit. Posh won, 2-0 at home to Oxford, up to 4th, one point behind Lincoln.